#and im so proud of getting ot out there at least

[autobahnmp3]

GUESS who brought up autism to their psychiatrist???🥰

[siunytoons]

I SAW SOMEBODY DO THIS

so its like how ppl think they'd b aligned w fears as an avatar? girl idk I just wanna do it cuz boredemmm

Eye: ermm I dunno. I'm a little slow w observing stuff sometimes and I don't rlly care when people watch me. lwk indifferent to this one cuz I'm not that much of a curious person. so not that compatible I don't think! whoopsie daisies

spiral: hmmm. I'm like super sane. sometimes I'm disorganized sometimes I'm not, but that's not super relevant. I'm not afraid I'm going like, cray or anything. I'm just kinda there tbh. prolly not aligned!

The flesh: hrmm. maybe. like, I don't hate how I look, personally I think I'm pretty, but sometimes I wanna just reshape myself. but like, not obsessively. so also prolly not aligned

the lonely: honestly? yeah tbh. I've got friends and crap but I tend to be isolating myself. not like, on purpose or anything, but it just kinda happens. I gotta fight to actually be noticed occasionally and it TOTALLY sucks. maybe aligned!

the slaughter: nope. I'm the least violent person I know

hunt: also no. super spooked by being chased and chasing people. it makes me nervous and I don't think I'd be aligned well.

the stranger: hey queens! also not aligned. wow, I am on a nonaligned combo here. call me the average joe cuz I am powering through this! I never ever really felt like I wasn't quite human or a stranger to anyone. I'm like, friendly and nice and not super into blending into a crowd too much

web: err, no. maybe when I was like younger cuz like, I'd cry to get out of trouble. but what kid didn't do that. Im a control freak sometimes, but that was all kinda in the past tbh. I'm a way better person now and honestly Im proud. non aligned! (I hope)

dark: nope. sunlight's just better. sorry queens

end: girl if ur not afraid of dying I'm afraid of u sorry! (jk). Srsly though. DEF not aligned

desolation; NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. whoever finds it fun to destroy things that make others happy? U make me SICK. def not aligned. love siun!

corupptionnnn: wow I just realized I snatched the "the" outta the fears after a bit. whoops! anyway, Im kinda indifferent to sickness and bugs. like, bees are my OPP. but I know they're natural and I share the world with them so like, why let it control me y'know? as for diseases, its whatever. I mean, it totally sucks ot get them, but also natural. non aligned!

buried: EW. DISGUSTING. NO. I absolutely HATE confined spaces. If I was ever an avatar of this I would DIE.

the vast: actually, maybe. this is the one I kinda lean towards mostly cuz like I'm always kinda head in the clouds lost in the sauce and all that jazz. I need an intervention for my constant spacing out. so like, probably my top one as of now. Plys, oceans and skies are kinda cool tbh. ESPECIALLY THE OCEAN. a little scary, but the beach oh em geeee. ily ocean <3

the extinction: who wants this. like genuinely. everyone hates this fear. KILL THIS FEAR. human life is NOT being eradicated. I love being alive

YURRT FINISHED!!!! What I've concluded is that I am a very normal person. thank you for listening to my tedtalk

[pretty-demiboy]

TW: Sort-Of Transphobia

this is a lot less light-hearted than my usual posts but i needa vent somewhere and my other blog is more bleh sooo...

idk, i was jst thinking bout terfs, transphobes and my mother today as well as jst a lot in general cause my mum and i have been having... well, not rlly conversations, more like her saying 'oh ur my daughter, always have been' and me being too scared of conflict to disagree with her. she knows what i am and all, like im out, but yk how it is with parents. they are passive-aggressive, love the old u too much and can think of rlly gaslight-y/guilt-trippy arguments. today she sent me a ss of an article explaining the origin of my deadname and sorta hyped it up with a caption along the lines of 'love u my little shapeshifter' (for context my deadname is a goddess who shapeshifts which like BADASS but also yk) and ik its like i shouldnt even be complaining about it cause she's not abusive and loves me and all but like... idk. it felt bad. she's more accepting than my dad but still yk having a transgender child is hard. she doesnt want her baby girl to rlly be a boy, and she's a non-aggressive terf and shit. idek if ill be demi for the rest of my life, its prolly jst a phase and shit cause i dont get much dysphoria but its still pretty upsetting in a way. i mean, i got into an argument w/ my sis abt micro-aggressions and whether or not they're harmful and i didnt explain it vry well (my sis is also openly transphobic despite being bi) and like it started when i tried to tell my lil bro not to say smt abt women, idk it was like stereo-typing or smt like that but he's only seven and i wanna help him grow up to be accepting unlike the kids in my school, but my sis... well. yk. and it sucked that i couldnt put into words how harmful micro-aggressions are without her making me feel fking sensitive or smt, and it sucked when my mam and stepdad acted like i was making a fuss over nothing, when its not nothing, its my whole fucking life. but my sis acts like im being a child cause yk, transphobic, like our dad, so. idk, its jst rlly fking shitty. i thought i was accepting of my identity but ppl keep making me second guess myself and my beliefs concerning basic human rights. it sucks so much. i shouldnt feel afraid of even expressing my opinion that trans women arent predators, or feel scared to tell my mam that atm i am a boy (technically i am, i think she'd have a stroke if i tried to explain what demi is xD) despite her being prolly the most supportive person in my close family. ppl shouldnt have to feel this way abt literally the most basic part of their identity. its jst not fair, and it sucks. idw feel like idw be queer, cause being queer is beautiful and the community is amazing, but sometimes i jst get so fking tired, and thats w/ me being in a lot more accepting family and community than most ppl. if i wasnt demi & biromantic i wouldnt be me, and i know that for sure, but sometimes i cant help but think of how easy it would b to jst be cishet, at least for shit like this. its pride month and i cant even b proud of who i am rn. its easy when im w/ my friends or watching an ot/click/jamie vid, but when im alone or w/ my family i jst... i hate it sm. if i wasnt queer, maybe a lot of my problems wld go away. if i wasnt queer, maybe id feel accepted at school and w/ family. if i wasnt queer, maybe id love myself a little bit more.

idk, its jst fking hard, especially when ppl say the lgbtqia+ community is like being unreasonable or dramatic or some bullshit like that, when they dont have to feel everything that we feel on a daily fucking basis. ive been so lucky with me being bi (practically everyone in my family is accepting of lgb) its jst my gender and asexuality thats causing problems, and if i cant even handle a little bit of discrimination that isnt even real discrimination, i cant imagine what its like for ppl in aggresively homophobic and transphobic environments. it makes me want to kms and hms when i think of all the ppl getting treated less than human or sinners or anything like that jst cause they arent smt that they are supposedly born to be... god, fking terfs and bigots make me sick, man. even the gaslighting and micro-aggressions are jst so disgusting. im so sorry to everyone dealing with discrimination. i wish i could help u somehow. i wld do anything to make this shit stop. jst know that i and others in our community love you so much even if atm it seems like no one else does.

[noro-noro-noro]

anyway before I put together smth to eat what did I dream about..?

part of my dream was a dream about sleeping. except I was in my room at mom's house at around 7pm when the sun was just about freshly down but not dark yet everything was blue there was the neighbors kid maybe 5-7 years hanging out doing SOMETHING in the corner? some kind of computer game he wanted to show me...? idk. i was trying to sleep. until he told his mom that I was sleeping instead ot watching him & I was like well I can't look bad to the parents I guess so I got up I don't remember what he was playing. I think it was a turn based game for kids mouse controlled only. who knows.

then later, something about going upstairs from my room to a spaceship? or maybe I went downstairs.maybe it was just like a higher tech lab, but not high tech in an everything is white way but more how you'd see a kids lab from like an older movie. like spy kids maybe. idk lots of round flared designs, Windows that bulged out aand were like thick green or orange or purple. kind of like a kids playground at mcdonalds or something. I miss those they just don't let you do those anymore in your 20s.... anyway. indony remember much of the lab. some omega striker characters were there. I remember estelles new skin + atlas + Luna, & I think atlas got gravely injured stabbed or shot in the lung maybe body blocking for his sister ? Juliette was there too. and shenhe.. anyway he tried to heal himself but it wasn't working, so he used the lab to pit himself into stasis. luna didn't totally get it - not sure if she was in denial (considiering the loss of both their parents) or if atlas shielded her from knowing just how badly he was hurt. Julie & shenhe left briefly on some kind of travel pod to go to the nearby outpost or planet or something to explore to look for resources, but as soon as they left they messaged back again sounding haggard like thank god you're still here & it turns out there was a time anomaly related to where they were going. it brought back someone's grandma who'd come to visit us as a teenage girl.

that's where my dream memory ends but as long as im slightly mentioning omega strikers i think that purely from a character design standpoint kazan is really meh. 2/10. hater shit below

his outfit just looks bad. on his splash art they wanted him to look crazy so they gave him anime shading around the eyes but on his model he just looks like he's wearing a solid black mask. and his giant earring tassels thst look like extensions of his hair are weird, and I think his outfit is really bland it's just a black long jscket shirt over orange pants & it's all got triangles on it. idk maybe they dressed him plainly to emphasize his umbrella more & I guess it's cool they're shaking traditional umbrella fighter stereotype by not making him noble or refined it or a classy gentleman or whatever, but he's just like the joker of violence. his kit is ok it's cool he can change stances but I'm just talking from an appearance standpoint. he is ugly and his outfit sucks!!!

at least with other characters I don't like the appearance of as much either, like their personality jumps out at you immediately. Estelle's outfit with the giant shoulders cape & the skintight bodysuit is like yes this is a woman who's proud of herself and knows she looks good. kai is kai. he's got the swaggy over the shoulders jacket and a relatively plain outfit underneath. this also tells me a lot about him. even atlas 's base skin is like ok this guy is sturdy, reliable, also sciency, he's even got all the constellations inside his sleeves. i like atlas but his bsse skin is only ehh to me.like you can tell from looking at him what he's like.

and the main thing about kazan that conveys anything to me is that he stands like a crazy person on the select screen and hes doing finger guns to his head in his splash art. no drip at all. even rasmus has "young scientist" vibes.

i play with voice acting off also. I don't want to hear any of them talk. i did see that scaramouche's VA was kazan, so that's another point for him though. pat pedraza did a great job with scara. ok the end

[daffodil-69]

You know what? You can leak. Make your di a bit more wet. But don’t you dare let go just yet. Think how proud we’ll all be and how proud you’ll be when you get to 10! We will finally know that you’re not JUST a stupid pissy boy, but you’re also capable of something at least.

no no no please it's so hard to stop it, i let out a little bit of wee wee and now it all wants to come out!! please let me pee im so close to a 10 ot hurts so bad

[kisslaterr]

enhypen, twice and monsta x 💓💓

finally got around to answer that oml sorry!

enhypen : attempting to / no? (i don't necessarily plan on but i do know a bit)

who or what caught my attention : niki! he seemed fierce in a way?

why i want to stan : i've been enjoying their comebacks so far

what i already know about them : hybe, from a survival show yada yada, they have a storyline i believe?

current favorite member : can't really tell, too early 😔

a question i have for veteran fans : i heard that the show was pitting them against each other so i'd like to hear if you can tell their bond feels strange or on the contrary do they suprisingly get along? i don't really watch their content so

twice : YES

my bias + bias wrecker : jihyo!!! she hits just right

first time i heard of them : mmm i think i saw their debut on the fine bros or smth but when i got into kpop in 2017 i saw a bit more

when i became a fan : i think around yes or yes era???

favorite (and least favorite) title track : fav > either likey or feel special? least fav > like ooh ah or knock knock?

favorite (and least favorite) b-side : fav > 24/7!! its in a ot of my playlists, also first time, and least fav i actually dk

favorite (and least favorite) mv : fav > what is love or cheer up those are classics 😤 least fav > knock knock bc of the senior citizen

favorite (and least favorite) album : fancy, eyes wide open and least fav idk (can u tell i cant pick what i dislike yet)

a concept i wished they’d try : i wanna see smth retro yknow in the vibes of exid's lady perhaps?? or smth cosmic too :o

what i like most about them : they feel like a big tight hug just seeing them having fun has me so happy fr, they've been through a whole lot and im proud of them i gotta say, talented gals deserve it!

monsta x : i say yes bc i was really into them but i have to admit i haven't been following them as closely :( but! i still know a bunch

my bias + bias wrecker : alors là.. maybe jooheon?

first time i heard of them : i think i heard hero or stuck?? when it came out

when i became a fan : i think before jealousy dropped!

favorite (and least favorite) title track : fav > all in, least fav > im sorry but i have to say love killa i couldnt get into it for some reason

favorite (and least favorite) b-side : i think saddly i know too little of their discography to answer well, i do enjoy fallin' tho lol

favorite (and least favorite) mv : fav > all in of course! least fav : miss trespass...

favorite (and least favorite) album : once again idk... though if we talk eras maybe i can say my fav was around shoot out, and least fav around dramarama perhaps?

a concept i wished they’d try : the vibes that jus2 had..

what i like most about them : family fr :( makes me realize i've been missing out recently damn i need to catch up.. but yeah similar to seventeen they just work so weel together, be it on and off stage, love seeing them

[tricewithaz]

We just want to see more Zoyalai fluff pleasee

my brain is a bit fried but lets see what i can do

sometimes i think about them eating together and its ✨soft✨, both of them like sweets (different kinds, but sweets regardless) and Nikolai is always the kind to bring zoya her favourite raspberry jam ones from downtown. theyre little so when he brings it hell just ask her to open her mouth and put it in there, and then none of them say a word really. its a thing, routine almost, even before theyre like actually a couple.

He'll also do that thing where he'll offer her some bit of food only to eat it himself right when shes about to take a bite 👁.

and then shell steal a kiss 🥰 and turn around all "mad" and walk away

he also takes a bit of caramel, or chocolate or pastry cream, tell her that "she has something right here" on her lip so he can place ot there and then kiss her 🥰🥰

Nikolai has mastered the puppy eyes, since he was tiny. Zoya is resistent to it but when he asks for a kiss or to stay out with her a bit more or maybe for a dance shell act all fussed about it and "reclutanctly" accept

but hey shes learned something from him, and as ruthless as she always look and as much of a resting bitch face that she has, from time to time shell do the kitty eyes too. Nikolai will sigh and plead her to stop but hell eventually accept to whatever shes asking. To which shell respond with a flirty smile and maybe a wink, and she will definetely swing her hips more than usual when walking away

Both of them know exactly where to push to get the other swooning, let me ellaboratr

Zoya knows Nikolai loses his damn mind when she has her hair up, but even more when she is tying it. so she asks him to hold the ribbon for her and then puts her hair up and nikolai will tie the ribbon for her (oh yeah theyre face to face very close)

Some other times nikolai will see zoya before she sees him and hell deliberately open up his shirt and mess his hair just a bit, so he looks like hes been working. when zoya sees him she raises an eyebrow and fixes his hair up.

oh btw yeah zoya loves to see nikolai working on his.... science shit. Mans passionste abour engineering and design (canonically) and seeing him with his sleeves up and his shirt a bit messy, brows furrowed with a pencil on his ear or between his lips. She thinks its so cute and sexy she will actually even make tea or coffee for him and all, herself!! And this time he doesnt even notice that hes driving her crazy.

they also think its sO attractive when the other goes full commander. When Nikolai puts on his commander face, frowns just s bit and for once doesnt smile, straightens his back, zoya cant do anything other than look at him with a proud-like smirk and a raised eyebrow (sometimes shell need to take a deeo breath too)

and when she gets all general, even raises her voice just a bit, nikolai just looks at her with an amused expression and think that damn, this truly is the woman of his dreams.

This happesn especially when they defend each other before impertinent nobles and military men.

Nikolai does that thing where he taps zoya on one shoulder but hes on the other side, a lot. it annoys her to no end every single time, but at least she gets a peck on the forehead.

I know ive rambled about nikolai kissing her hands but she also kisses his. When he cups her face shell take his hand and kiss his palm. and playfully bite it too. She also kisses the scar on his chest 🥰🥰 in turn he kisses the ones on her back

when shes getting ready in the morning hell take her lip tint (lipstick.... man idk i have no idea of makeup history) and paint her lips for her. hell purposefully not look into her eyes just to tease her

help i do have lots of headcanons for them at the beach theyd be adorable if you want ill ellaborate 👁👄👁

thats all i have for now folks im hungry and tired and just want these two to be happy

[littlx-songbxrd]

okok here it is, i don't have a working title yet lol and i wrote the first like three paragraphs a year ago and only now finished it

but uh here it is ig (it's long so below the cut)

oh and i named the characters before i read chog believe it or not so there is no correlation lol

Prologue - Cordelia

May brings with it the memory of battles fought and won and the ever looming presence of a war not quite lost but certainly nowhere near done. As I hand out threadbare blankets around the flickering fires of the temporary war camp, I have to force my mind not to stray to all the people who should be here but are not. Well, the one person, really. I don’t allow myself to dwell, for I know that if I let my heart open to loss, there will be no hope at closing the hole left behind. No one here will tolerate that.

Yet no one criticizes Halen when she fumbles and breaks her fragile composure, storming out of the planning tent, the memories glistening in her eyes threatening to spill over. No, when it’s her, they rush to comfort her, to appease her, and they tell her to take all the time she needs. After all, has the poor girl not been through enough? they whisper pityingly as though we all haven’t lost others to this fight. But, of course, it’s not my place to comment on the actions of the mighty Chosen One. Even if she is my friend.

I look down to find my hands are empty. Tir has taken the last blanket from me without my noticing, and he’s settling down against his pack with his bare feet at the fire. I scowl; he isn’t allowed to speak against Halen either, despite being her older brother.

Heaving a sign, I slump down next to my friend and pull a corner of the blanket over myself. Tir shifts slightly so I can lean against his shoulder. We don’t speak. There are no words big enough to dispel the cloud of grief that hangs over us.

I know Tir is thinking of Zo today, just like he knows I’m thinking of Cherry.

Both of us, I’m sure, are also thinking that Halen ought to be here. She ought to be spilling those tears she always threatens and apologizing meaninglessly for deaths that aren’t her fault. Since when did she choose to be distant and calm? Couldn’t she at least have the decency to break down with the rest of us?

I scowl at a gecko as it skitters through the dirt toward the treeline to the west. I should say something to Halen. I should scream at her, sob at her, cry out until she understands that we need her as a friend, not just a commander.

My mind made up, I stand quickly, earning a confused stare from Tir. “Where are you off to?” he asks, his voice thick.

I shake my head. “Somewhere that isn’t here.”

He chuckles and reaches up to squeeze my hand. It’s enough. He was never one for many words.

I smile sadly down at him and set off to the eastern shore, where the purple and gold tents of the Eneris royal tents have been set up. Their fire and sun emblem shines bright on the tent flaps behind guards dressed in layers upon layers of robes and wraps and blankets. I scoff. The army settled just twenty yards away is shivering under thin blankets and dying fires while the royals and their company dine on mutton and venison. Not that I’ve come to expect anything else from them. They recruited Halen and built this army from the ground up—of course they believe themselves worthy of a few more precious coins exchanged for better conditions.

Even today, the first anniversary of Monvira’s troops storming villages and uprooting lives, they haven’t so much as acknowledged the flood of pain that’s sweeping through their army. I wonder if they even know what May first means to their people.

I stop mid-stride, staring straight ahead at the Strategy tent, where I know Halen spends most of her time these days.

It hits me: May first. The sky is clouded and the birds are silent, but it’s May first and no one bothered telling me that I forgot my birthday. Which was April thirtieth. No one noticed.

Weariness pushes at the back of my eyes, and I blink heavily against the tears blurring my vision. Memories from last year flood my mind as I turn and hurry towards Halen’s private tent. It bares the same colors and seal as the others.

I collapse on her bedroll and let out a single sob.

Last year, on the night of my birthday, Cherry had wrapped a blanket around us both as we stumbled back to our village after a whole day spent together at Renton Lake. She’d kissed my hand and twirled me toward the hut I shared with Halen, giggling in the moonlight, her dark unbound hair spilling over her shoulder like a waterfall of night. The memory rips through me, forcing another sob out of my quaking body.

The next morning, she’d been gone.

I’m not sure how long I lay there, my tears collecting in a pool around my head, but eventually the shaking subsides and leaves behind a solemn heaviness. Only when I hear the tent flap ruffle do I stir. There’s a small gasp, then: “Delia?”

Halen’s nickname for me only makes the smallest dent in my sorrow. I push myself to a sitting position, sure that my face is red and splotchy and my hair wild and tangled. All in all, I don’t blame her for looking taken aback. “Delia, what is it?” she gushes, crouching before me and taking my face in her hands. “What’s wrong? What can I do?”

This is exactly what I wanted when I stormed in here. Now, I nearly laugh. It’s pathetic, really, all this time I’ve spent cleaning up after Halen, chasing her, thinking maybe she could do something that would fill the cavity growing inside me. I see it now, as her hazel eyes rake my face. “Nothing,” I tell her. Her thumbs are soft as they wipe away the tears that trickle down my cheeks. “Not anymore.” My voice is scratchy, and I push down against a wave of shame. I’m better than this. I’m better than breaking down in my friend’s plush tent. I’ve never been the emotional one—that was always Halen.

I wipe away my tears, feel myself stand and walk out of the tent, my mind still occupied with hazy revelations I’m too exhausted to fully pursue. There’s a feeling in my gut, the only one that matters right now, and it’s an overwhelming cry to get out.

The grass is silent under my feet as I walk, and I’m distantly aware of Halen calling after me. Her cries of “Wait!” and “What’s going on, Cordelia?” follow me, even after she stops.

I keep walking.

I don’t look back.

---

so uh yeah that's it 👉👈 i can give u the idea of the book if u want or you can just take this offering and run lol <33

Im gonna give you my unfiltered thoughts with no order or organization

REMEMBER ME WHEN YOURE RICH AND FAMOUS AND A NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR

OMG IM GONNA GET TO BRAG I SAW THE PROLOGUE TO AN AWARD WINNING BOOK IN THE FUTURE HOLY SHIT

I DONT HAVE ENOUGH WORDS TO EXPLAIN HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS AND IM BILINGUAL

RENDERED ME SPEECHLESS IN TWO LANGUAGES GO YOU

SHE DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER HER BIRTHDAY HOLY SHIT

LOOK I ADORE THE FEELINGA CORDELIA POTRAYED DURING THE ENTIRE PROLOGUE

LIKE HOW YOU WROTE IT IS JUST

I WANTED HER TO COME BREAKDOWN WITH THE REST OF US?????

NO IM SORRY IM HORRIBLE AT COMPLIMENTING EVERYTHING HERE IS BRILLIANT

1) i have a basis for how the crown is unfair (based on cordelias description) ALSO HOW CORDELIA DESCRIBED "i wasnt even sure if they knew what may 1 meant to their people" IDK BUT I LOVED HOW OT WAS WRITTEN. Its not explicit BUT LEAVES THE MESSAGE SAID

2) basis to whats going on? C H E C K

3) JUST HOW YOU WROTE CORDELIAS GRIEVE AND ESTABLISHED THE CHARACTER

Artie i've told you a million times but I adore your writting style, i always adored it BIT READING YOUR ORIGINAL WORK

I FEEL SO PROUD OF YOU?????

Your style is perfect

I WASNT LOST WHICH IS GOOD!

AND LEAVES ME WANTING FOR MORE

I DIDNT NOTICE BUT MY PHONE HAS LOW BATTERY SO IF I DONT REPLY AFTER THIS ITS THAT BUT TELL ME MORE PLS

[voorbeees]

[ hi im back with a part 2 bc im a sappy bitch. you can read part one here ]

Jesse makes his way into the kitchen. Early mornings are a thing he's had to get used to and there doesn't seem to be enough coffee in the world to keep him awake. Sure he's typically awake for work, but he schedules appointments around the time he spends recouping from his nightly hobby. After all a business doesn't run itself. He thinks this, accompanied with a move to LA shortly after taking the girl in could play a large part in it.

Shortly after they'd arrived at the new home, Tilly had been thrilled to learn she had her own room and own things. Apparently that was another thing her mother had failed to provide. He wants to ask her what her life was like before, but each time he thinks to broach the subject something makes him shy away from it. Maybe it's for the best. Besides, considering what it was, Jesse's sure he'll feel fire settle in his veins. Not long after that he'd had her enrolled in a small private school. It was never too early to start an education. He's also taken it upon himself to start teaching her ASL. The decision was only made final when she had looked up at him with those puppy dog eyes and said the simple phrase "I wish we could talk better."

And that had been another thing, not once had she acted like he was a stranger. It was actually the opposite. She acted like she'd known him her whole life. Maybe that was good, it made breaking the ice less difficult, at least in his mind.

Now Jesse adjusts his black suit coat, making sure he looks dressed to a T, even if he is just going downstairs. He's always been one to preen, current circumstances haven't changed that at all. Black Oxfords echo off the marble floor and he's instantaneous met with the beaming face of Tilly.

"Jesse! Jesse!" She rushes from her seat at the dining room table and bounces around his legs. Her tiny red curls dance about her shoulders in the process. She wastes no time in asking for her favorite thing, which is only made obvious a split second later when she holds her arms up, waiting to be picked up.

He picks her up with ease, acting like she weighs nothing (and to him she probably does). Her tiny arms wrap around his neck. She's made it clear she enjoys being at his height. Tilly pulls out of the hug a second later and starts flapping a tiny arm in the air. "I've been practicing with my writing!" She beams, little face begging for approval. He'd be cruel to deny her that so Jesse nods and walks the both of them back over to the table. Tilly wiggles herself out of his grasp just enough so she can grab the paper and shove it in his face.

It takes his eye a moment to focus and he has to hold the paper back a bit but sure enough, there in a child's scrappy handwriting is her name repeated at least ten times. Her statement is met with a slow nod of approval.

"Oh!" She finally makes the effort to remove herself from his arms and settle back into her chair. "Maybe I can try writing your name next?" It's a question but he knows what she's implying and its not a moment later that he pulls his phone out. He spends a moment typing on it and then turns it around to face her.

J-E-S-S-E

An amused look settles on his scarred face as he sees her focusing all her attention to write his name. Her tongue pokes out of the left side of her mouth as she finishes the last letter and holds it up, rather proud of herself.

It's messy but it's a cute gesture, so he takes it from her and pins it to the fridge with a magnet. That earns him a squeal of delight. The excitement is short lived as she goes back to her task. Jesse takes the opportunity to finally pour himself a cup of coffee.

' YOU'RE SPENDING THE DAY WITH SPANN. ' He hasn't actually left her alone yet. At least not that she knows. He's made sure to always leave when she's asleep, a caretaker there if something was to arise in his absence. The last thing he wants is for Tilly to think he's abandoning her.

"Why?" She asks as she looks up at him and then goes back to her work.

' I HAVE...BUSINESS. ' If you can consider visiting a plastic surgeon business. It's something he's wanted to do since he first saw what was once his "face". But Spann and the doctors had highly discouraged any reconstruction until the scars were fully healed. All in all it had added up to almost a year's time and it had been nothing but pure hell. Not that he cared what people thought when they saw him, more so he cared what he saw when he looked at himself in the mirror. It wasn't good. Hell, for the first several months he'd busted every mirror within five feet of him, going so far as to have them removed from places of his organization that had them. It'd been a touchy subject and not many could breach it.

Jesse remembers when Tilly saw his face for the first time. It had been the next day and it was on accident. He wasn't planning on showing the mangled part of himself until she seemed comfortable around him. But she had walked in on him in his home office. He'd been sitting at his desk, mask safety packed away in the chrome case. She was supposed to be sleeping and much to his horror when he had looked up, she wasn't. Instead she was standing in the doorway with wide eyes. He'd frozen like a deer in headlights. What the fuck was he supposed to do? Was she scared of him? Fuck, he'd be scared of himself. It's not like he even looked human anymore. He sat there for what felt like an eternity, unmoving until she walked forward. "You got hurt bad, huh?" She hadn't looked at him in disgust, but rather understanding. It was like it was the most common thing to ever happen. Tilly had come up and stood in front of him. "I got hurt one time too." She pulled her hair back to show a small indention on her forehead. "I hit my head and it left a really big spot." Something about that small stupid child gesture had made him laugh. It had demolished the wall he had built, afraid of traumatizing her.

Tilly lays her pencil down and looks up at Jesse now. To only be six she's intuitive. She can tell by the way he grips the handle of the mug and shifts his weight slightly that something is off. Usually its "I have work." Not "business." It's an odd choice of words. So she does what kids do best, she bombards him with fucking questions. "What kind?"

' BUSINESS. '

There's that word again. No matter how hard she tries, she just can't fucking pick out the problem. "Can I come?" Jesse shakes his head 'no.' A tiny frown creases her brow. "Do you have to go to the doctor?" Suddenly she gasps, standing up in her chair. "Are you sick!?"

Jesse's signing and shaking his head 'no' before he can stop himself. It's not hard to tell she's working herself up. Fuck, the last thing he wants right now or at all is her to he upset.

"Are-are you going for your face?" Tilly sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. Of course he fucking is, why else would he go to a god damned doctor. He obviously can't say it like that so he nods. "Bu-but there's nothing wrong with it!" Now she's just being polite, Jesse's sure of it. But the logical part of his brain says no, she's upset because she fucking cares about you you god damned fool. "What i-if I don't know who you are after? Because you lo-ook different?!" At that she breaks into full on hysteria. There's a few other words but Jesse can't make them out. It just all sounds garbled to him.

He considers pulling his phone out again but settles for a different approach. Jesse lowers himself on to one knee a few inches from her perch in the chair. He signs "hush" and "okay". Those are the easiest ones she's able to read but she just shakes her head crying even harder. "It's no-ot okay!" There's a hiccup added after she finishes speaking and for a split second Jesse thinks she's going to suffocate on her own tears. He blinks several times, actually taken aback by just how upset she is over this. This is a good thing not a bad one. He's going to look better but she doesn't want that. Of course he understands the whole "changing of features" process but it's still him. It's not like he's cutting off one of his fucking hands.

" It will be okay. " His hand hovers over her back like it's debating if it should offer comfort or not. Instead the decision is made for him as Tilly wipes at her eyes and sniffles.

"You don't know that!" There's a long pause and for a second Jesse thinks she's going to start bawling again, but she doesn't. Instead she looks up at him and the intensity in that stare almost has him drawing back. There's something in it. Love? Impossible. People don't love him, they tolerate him. Or rather he pays them to tolerate him. Tilly blinks once, then twice and yes, he sees it now. It's a mixture of love and adoration. Something almost foreign to him. "What if something happens?" Her tiny lip quivers. "Who will I have then?"

Fuckfuckfuckfuck. His mind draws a blank. There's no way for him to completely assure something won't happen. Granted people don't usually die from plastic surgeon, though he guesses it's possible. ' IT WON'T. I WILL STILL BE HERE. ' The phone's electronic voice drones out into the air. That's not what he wants to say. Jesse wants to say this huge fucking essay of why she doesn't need to worry but sometimes the simplest answers are the best.

"Promise?"

' YES. '

--------------

Blinding light sears his brown eye as it flutters open. Are lights always this bright? He doesn't think so. If they are then he's definitely paying someone to dim all the ones in his house. Because Jesus fuck that's a horrible thing to wake up to. Jesse blinks a few times then lets out a sigh. He can't feel his face (which, God willing, with strong as fuck drugs he won't have to until it heals).

It's only after he's been awake for an hour or two that he turns to the door at his right and sees Spann standing there, Tilly's small wide eyed form in front of her. He offers a shakey wave as a greeting. Tilly looks up at Spann, who nods and urges her in then steps back out to answer a call. Jesse thinks she looks even more comical like this. She's acting like he's a porcelain doll that could break at the lightest touch.

Tilly rests her tiny arms on his bedside. "Do you feel better?" Jesse gives her a so-so response with his hand. She takes this as privilege to climb her way up into the bed beside him, her tiny form looking even smaller near him. "Well," her forehead wrinkles, "you don't look different."

Now he is laughing. His shoulders shaking as an indicator. She looks at him before deciding to curl up next to him, her tiny head on his shoulder. "I still love you anyway. Even if you look like a mummy."

Jesse signs. " I love you too, squirt. "

[luescris]

I posted 218 times in 2021

113 posts created (52%)

105 posts reblogged (48%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.9 posts.

I added 640 tags in 2021

#my stuff - 97 posts

#luescris - 95 posts

#nahmahstuff - 93 posts

#random - 87 posts

#ninjago - 66 posts

#lego ninjago - 64 posts

#disney - 46 posts

#lego - 38 posts

#my artwork - 27 posts

#my art - 27 posts

Longest Tag: 95 characters

#power m👏👏👏😌👏👏ove!!!!! freakibg 👏👏power move👏👏😌😌 go o f f king yaass!!!!!!👏👏👏👏👏

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Im posting this absolutely everywhere and no one can stop me.

147 notes • Posted 2021-08-26 21:49:34 GMT

#4

HERE'S THE FINAL PRODUCT OF THE WIP I POSTED A WHILE AGO *DANCES*

Legit I am so very proud of this hdhhhhhh The shading and background is messy yeah but at least I actually put one there this time HDGHSSH

I did a l ot of experimenting on this freaking thing, and I'm justmmmmmmmm

188 notes • Posted 2021-05-14 00:12:15 GMT

#3

Hello tmnt fandom (Specifically Rise/LFLS fandom aaa) it has been a while have this comic I did based on @eternalglitch 's fanfic Like Father Like Son y'all should go read it it be good It is currently the only TMNT content I am consuming until the Rise movie atm, which apparently is coming soon aaa

Edit: mmmmm PLEASE click for better quality Tumblr screwed it up again-

209 notes • Posted 2021-04-14 21:30:50 GMT

#2

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! :D I did this for a Ninjago Valentine zine (I can't really link it or anything like that cuz I'm on mobile and idk how aaaa ;^;) and I may have went a bit overboard with the blur but I still like how it came out! ^3^

300 notes • Posted 2021-02-14 18:24:55 GMT

#1

Hrjshdg colored this last night credit goes to @drawbauchery aaaaa there is more to color yes-

Died laughing going through their stuff y'all should check them out jfdhg,,

310 notes • Posted 2021-01-14 01:30:18 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[sukirichi]

Sae..(i can call you saeren if you prefer bur sae sounds cute to me <3) I-...

I was so happy the whole track but.. In a way i was dreading something bad to happen and the last part i just... Shes so fucking toxic... She cant...im trying to write this just after finished reading but this mortifying feeling i have in my chest, how my body feels so cold from the impact i..

The track 8 felt different was so poetic, written in such beautiful way it felt like hearing a fairy tale told in a melody of a song.. It was like floating in a dream mostly...

And then all crashed down..

I wanted to talk about the part where y/n questions what suna was supposed to be a best friend or a lover or both in the same body... Honestly both.. The most beautiful relationships are when you consider your lover your best friend and suna fits in so well the way even though they're together now he still respects if she wants to go slow to make sure she really wants this.. The line 'before you know ot you're going to start resenting your husband' also screams alot about how suna cares... And also how he dreads the chance of that happening.

But well mari beat us to it..... I- pls it cant be real? I mean something here doesnt make sense? Like she says her parents kicked her out yet they're the ones that reached to suna? And she didnt pick their calls like?? The calmer i feel and the more i read it...or try to cause i always get this pang on my chest no matter how many times i reread that part alone something here its deeply bugging me.... Besides the fact mari was capable of sleeping with another guy just to break y/n and suna appart is making me really wary of this.. Also she knows nagisa un.... I kinda went to the first track to read if she had mentioned at least anything about London before and nothing... This... I admit i dont want to accept this... Its not just being extremely wary about it but i also dont want to accept this.. I just reread how she breaks up with suna and this doesnt make sense at all... She pushed him off like he was trash to use and throw away because she was pregnant and her parents kicked her out? I dont buy it i dont...

Well this chapter even tho it fucked me up at the ending and now i can only picture myself at the side looking at suna with mari in his arms... It was really beautifully written honestly probably the most beautiful one yet 😊💕

i’d love to be called sae 🥺 honestly, whichever u prefer !! sae or saeren is both fine to me ;)

mari is really awful tbh. and aww i’m glad you think it was poetic 🥺 i was listening to an inuyasha instrumental playlist that time and it felt like i was in a different state of mind so i was quite proud of my prose that time. also i agree with the ‘both’ part !! it hits different when you also have a deep friendship with your partner, but YN was struggling to be both since its always just one at a time. its either she’s a best friend or a lover, but put in a situation where they have to be both, it’s all new to her.

suna does care a lot. he knows when YN means what she says before she even realizes it herself. he’s aware she’s rushing it but naur look at what happened now 😭 and about mari’s parents looking for her even tho she was kicked out, its because they still cared for her in a way. they kicked her out of their place out of shame since she’s still a student ( around 22 ) and she still had so many things ahead of her. but when mari completely cut contact with them, they got worried, even more so bcos they knew she was pregnant. i can’t speak more regarding nagisa’s involvment here bcos that’s for the next track hehe but i understand the mortifying feeling you felt 🥺 AND LOOKING AT SUNA WHILE MARI’S IN HIS ARMS NO I DON’T WANT THAT 😭💔 also Kya thank you so much for this <33

[juupajaa]

this is partially venting, partially a cry for someone to help... because I know how badly im suffering with this ed. but any time I've managed to tell anyone about it, they haven't seen it as enough of an issue to do something about... so why should I either?(besides the obvious of feeling like crap all the time, headaches, heart palpitations...) I don't know how to convince myself it matters enough with no one in my life showing it does.... i don't know what to do anymore...

I'm sorry it's been rough getting through to people, that's awful😔 You shouldn't have to work hard to convince others to help you, just asking should be enough. For what it's worth, I trust you and you can come ask help from me whenever.

The awful hard truth is that you are the one who has to recover and has to want it and allow it to happen. And similarly, you're the one who has to live your life and be you, so pretty much the only way to make it through life is to learn to like yourself, because you are the only person you're kind of stuck with.

We all dislike ourself sometimes, so it's not even about you being somehow worse than the rest of us. I'm sure you're a cool person, just like pretty much everyone I have ever met is pretty cool in their own way. The trick is in finally realizing that you are you, and you are very much in control of what kind of a person you are. There are some things in temperament and personality that are in our very genetics, but everything else is pretty much moldable.

I used to be really bitter and angry and I'd be really mean to others and myself. I hated that version of me and I saw how she had not going on for herself and I decided one say that I'd start working on that. I spent a whole year kind of re-evaluating myself and what kind of a person I wanted to be and I taught myself out of those old ways of acting and thinking. Now I'm much more at peace with myself, since I'm pretty much exactly the way I wanted to be. Sure, I'm not perfect, but no one is, but at least I don't hate myself and I have a lot I can be proud of.

Good news for you is that recovery is an excellent time to take on exactly this kind of a project. Often people fear that they might feel "empty" after recovery because their ed has pretty much become their whole personality and headspace. With recovery, you can start filling those blanks in and try to become more like the person you'd want to be.

Start by imagining or maybe even writing down what kind of a person you would want to be, what values they have, how they treat themself and others, how they look at the world and how they act in it. Then little by little start trying out those new things. When I taught myself to be less mean, I started by small baby steps. I stopped saying mean things outloud. Then I started to scold myself when I noticed thinking mean things about myself or others. Then finally I took the extra step of switching mean thoughts to neutral ones. And neutrals to positives. It takes a long time to teach yourself new habits ot new ways of thinking, but if you just keep doing it, it gets easier.

I believe in you sweetheart, you'll figure this out and there's gonna be nice things ahead, trust me. You can DM me or send asks if you need help, I'll do what I can 💞

[howaboutleeches]

one needy request: following captain!MC and captain!julian’s encounter in the tavern, they party on either on Mc’s or Julian’s ship and spend the night teasing, building ENORMOUS sexual tension like eye contact, mc noticing details about him dhxhshsv but also getting to know one another and their crew... all perhaps leading to a smut or any sort of tension relief satisfaction? up to you, tho im sure whatever you choose to do t’ll be eyecandy 🌸👀

"Are you a good man, Captain?" Julian x Reader (pt.2)

Warnings: Smut, NSFW, sexual tension

Part 1

Word Count: 3,839

On the last chapter....

"Captain! We won!" Jackie bursted into the room and Julian turned his head while I ducked to the side to look at her "Ooooh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were, well, yeah. I'm, uh, going down and, well, see ya!"

We kept looking at the door until the sound of her footsteps were nothing but a simple memory. We stared at each other again and starting laughing, still holding onto one another.

"Now that was a mood breaker" I pressed my forehead against his chest and he sighed.

"Well, I'm sure we'll be able to continue our fun another time"

My eyes went wide and I smiled at him "We are having a party tonight at my ship, you and your crew should come!" I realized I sounded to excited and fake coughed "I mean, only if you want to"

He laughed lightly and kissed my cheek "It'll be my pleasure, darling"

I let go of his clothes and walked past him, going out of the room, but stopping before he vanished from my sight "Maybe you can show me how bad you are"

I ran down the corridor, rushing down the stairs, excited and giggling like a teenager. I couldn't wait to tell Jackie all the juicy details.

Now....

"Ah, I just can't believe I ruined that! Captain, you were finally gonna get some!" Jackie said loudly enough to turn some heads in our direction.

"Keep it down, I don't want everyone to know about my personal life" I led her by the arm to the street, going outside of the crowded bar.

"So, do you have anything in mind? I mean, he looks like a piece of work. The type that likes to keep things interesting"

She wasn't wrong. By the little time I spent with him I noticed that he was the type that liked to be surprised. Dull wasn't his thing. I wanted to make a good impression on him, not gonna lie. But I still didn't want to seem desperate.

"Not really. I don't want to overdo it, but I definitely want to show my interest. What do you suggest?" I trudge Jackie with my life, and she always had success on her love affairs, so why not ask her?

"You know what? Go to the ship, take a nice bath, dress nicely and spray some perfume. I'll take care of the rest" Her mischievous grin made a chill run down my spine.

"Can't you at least tell me what you're thinking?"

"Sorry Cap, no can do. Now go and get sexy" She started pushing me to walk faster and I did, a little grumpy for not knowing what her plan was about.

After a few minutes walking on the dark and calm streets, I saw my ship. The beautiful Enchantress, lit by the moonlight. It was a "family inheritance", since all my ancestors before me were pirates as well. My parents retired, saying that piracy life wasn't for them anymore, and gave me the ship. Even though I was quite young at the time, I still managed to select a very good crew, sail and manage it with grace.

The ship itself had been strictly taken care of. I have visited many ships during my years as a captain. Invitations to raids, parties or just drunken talks were quite usual for me. And that gave me the chance to take a look at other captains ships, making me feel proud of my own. There was usually blood, oil or even piss on the deck, making it unbearable to stay on the deck for more than fifteen minutes.

My beautiful Enchantress, on the other hand, was vigorously scrubbed almost every day and, to my surprise, the crew actually enjoyed doing the cleaning. Some of them had some experience with ships and claimed that they always wanted to keep the place organized, but their former captains required other types of services from them, leaving no time for cleaning. It was a relief for them to be able to work in a nice smelling place.

As I entender the ship, the soft smell of the ocean entered my nose and I could help but feel I little bit more relaxed. I strutted towards my cabin, the captain's cabin, and started taking some of my ornaments off. Hat, bandana, necklace and rings were all off and laying on the bed next to my recently removed sword. I noticed a stain on my shirt and leaned down to smell it, instantly regretting it. Booze and probably piss. It probably got there when I was crawling behind the counter.

And then it hit me. Shit! Captain Devorak probably smelled that on me. And now he must be thinking that I'm a drunk that pees on myself. I ruined everything. Damn it. Changing clothes was the best option that crossed my mind and I decided to oblige to it. Taking off my pants and dirty shirt, and throwing them on the dirty clothes bucket, I opened my wardrobe to find...almost nothing. Literally, almost nothing. The piece of clothing was almost nothing. On one of our scavenging hunts to Danog, Jackie stole this, well, night lady worker's dress and told I would look marvelous on me. Of course, marvelous wasn't the word that she used.

And now that was the only piece of clean clothing left on my wardrobe. I couldn't wear something dirty, especially after the booze and piss incident. That would have to do for the night. I gave light pats on the dress in case there was any dust on it and started to put it on. At first it was a little uncomfortable, since the outfit had many holes on it and I didn't exactly knew how to put it on. After five agonizing minutes, the dress was on and I looked at myself on the mirror, not recognizing the person staring back.

The dress wasn't short, but it had an opening in it that went from my feet to the middle of my thigh. Its fabric was very light and soft, making the dress dance with the slightest presence of wind. On the chest part, it was indeed very exposing. It showed off almost all my chest, and if I bent down, that's exactly what would happen. It had no sleeves, except for a very thin strap holding the whole dress on my body. It was definitely not my style, but it had to do for tonight.

As I kept preparing myself, I could hear people getting on the ship and going lower deck, towards the little saloon that we had. I couldn't help but to hear Jackie and the Captain speaking to each other, quite loudly actually. They seemed very excited. I love Jackie with all my heart, but sometimes she just can't hold her tongue. Once, she sold off all our plan to the Royal Navy and it ended up bloddy. Of course, is not the same situation, but still, I should get there fast.

I put on my classy shoes and exited the cabin, rushing downstairs. As I went down the stairs I slowed down in order to analyze the room. The music was loud, the room was filled with laughter and bottles were being lifted everywhere. I gently strolled down the stairs and heads slowly turned to watch me. There was a lot of whispering and a few shy whistles were heard here and there. I couldn't help but feel embareased and I quickly tried to find a distraction. I ran my eyes along the room and grabbed a rum bottle lifting it up while flashing a smile.

"TO PIRACY!" Excited screams and clincking bottles where heard from everywhere. Soon, other things were heard. "To money, to power, to women, to a good fuck" and so the saloon was filled with laughter and music again. I could help but to notice a tall man, speaking loudly at one ot the tables as a small crowd gather around to hear what he had to say.

"...and so he stared at me in the eye and said "I bet you could do that blindfolded" and so I did" A few gasps were heard as Julian finished his story and leaned back on his chair.

"Did you really walked on a lake of piranhas blindfolded?"

"And with your hands tied?"

"Sure did" He grabbed a cup and started chugging on it.

"Now that's impressive" He chocked on his drink as my voice reached his ears. He immediately put his drink down and sat up straight.

"Captain (Y/L/N)! How delightful to see you! Oh my, you are absolutely stunning tonight. Looking like a real mermaid" He tripped on his own words as he tried to talk to me. Maybe it was the drinks, or maybe something else.

"So, tell us more about your many dangerous adventures" I sat down opposite to him, slightly bending over the table and watching his gaze fall down to my cleavage "I like a little danger" I grinned.

"How funny, I, um, I can't think of any more stories right now. How odd" He cleared his throat "Well,well, I'm gonna get some fresh air, if you don't mind" And then he left, hands shaking and ears turning red.

"You know he's into you, right?" An old lady said to me, probably part of his crew.

"What do you mean?"

"Haven't seen him behave like that in a long time. And we've been on the same boat since he wore diapers"

"Since he- what?"

"Doesn't matter. Go after him, kid" She gave me a daring smile and patted my shoulder.

"How impolite, I haven't even asked your name" I extended my hand to greet her.

"Mazelinka. And I know exactly who you are. Now go, you're wasting time" She shooed me away from the table and I left the lower deck going outside and feeling a soft and salty breeze on my face.

I felt the bottom of the dress swerling around and it tickled my legs a little. I liked that feeling. I couldn't help but to do a little twirl. It was definitely a change for me to wear something like this and I was a nice change of scenario.

"I think I changed my mind. You look more like a fairy than a mermaid. And yet, your beauty exceeds all others"

Julian was leaned against the mast and only turned his head to look at me. His coat was off and his hat was far back on his head, exposing his whole face and the front part of his hair. He wore tight black pants with a white loose shirt tucked in it. What a sight.

"I can say the same for you, Devorak. You look absolutely stunning under the moonlight" I lifted my eyebrow at the sight of his red cheeks by using his own compliment against him.

For a moment, the only things that could be heard were the sound of the waves hitting the boat, my shoes hitting the wooden floor and our clothes dancing in the wind. I positioned myself in front of him and stared at his face. He tried his best avert his gaze from my face, but I grabbed his chin and made him stare at me.

"You're making me confused, you know. You flirt, you get me all worked up and then you just shy away. What do you want from me, Captain?" I stared deep into his eyes.

He started to mumble nonsense and I couldn't help but to chuckle. He was so shy and yet so bold. I remembered Mazelinka's words and did something on impulse. I moved my hand from his chin to the back of his neck and pulled his head towards me.

He was definently taken by surprised, since he didn't move for a few seconds. But eventually his bold side took over and he grabbed me by the waist, pressing your bodies together. I could feel the temperature rising and the kiss was getting more and more intense. His hands dared to explore more of my body and eventually ended up on my ass. I let out a little gasp that made him chuckle. He forced my body to the side, exchanging positions and pressing me against the mast.

"You have no idea how much I wanted this" He muttered as he slowly kissed your neck.

"I can make things even better" I pushed him, making Julian tumble backwards. My intention was for him to think he would fall but at the last second feel the starboard hit his back. But instead, his feet got tangled in some rope and his body changed the course towards an small opening on the boat. He was actually going to fall.

I rushed to him, the dress making things more complicated, and held a rope attached to the ship with a hand and his waist with the other. He looked absolutely terrified but after realizing he wasn't actually going to fall, he stared laughing and so did I. What really wasn't expected was a loud caw behind me. A crow's caw. I got startled and lost my balance, making me let go of the rope and making both of us fall in the direction of the sea.

It was a matter of instants before we could feel the cold water surrounding us. The dress made it harder to emerge, but I managed anyway. When I got my head out of the water, Julian was already there, almost out of breath, laughing.

"Wait, you're not...angry?" He looked at me, still laughing.

"Are you serious? Why would I be mad? I'm having a nice time with a beautiful girl and now things just got more interesting."

I started to laugh with him and swam closer to his body, embracing and kissing him again. Since we were out of breath, the kiss didn't last very long before we were almost passing out for lack of oxygen.

"We should swim back. We might catch a cold" He agreed with my statement and we both raced back to the docks, shivering, and then entering the ship again.

We were greeted by Jackie who had a very mischievous grin on her face and her hands laying on her hips.

"Having a good time, Captain?" She failed to hold back a giggle.

"Absolutely" As I passed through her I managed to whisper "Make sure we are not disturbed, please...until morning"

"Aye aye, Captain" And with that she left.

I guided him to the cabin and after getting in, I discreetly locked the door. Even though I had warned Jackie, that was always someone who had a complaint or some gossip and decided to tell me on first hand. Better safe than sorry.

"Soooo...what do we do now?" He was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, staring at me like a wet dog.

"Well, I had some ideas in mind" I waltzed around the room, putting out the fire on most of the candles, leaving the room very poorly lit "First, we should undress"

I turned around and, even if the room was almost as dark as the night, I could sse that Julian was blushing. I laughed and grabbed a bucket from the floor, extending it to him.

"Our clothes are wet. Unless you wanna catch a cold, you should undress. Then I'll give you a blanket and maybe we can chat. How does that sound?"

"Marvelous" He grabbed the bucket and turned around. I grabbed another bucket myself and turned around as well.

As the clothes left my body I felt a cold breeze rushing through it and a chill ran down my spine. A soft moan left my mouth and I heard a grunt behind me. A tall mirror was close to me, in an angle that allowed me to see the naked body close to me. He had his clothes off, except for his trousers and his hand was laying on top of a bulge on it, gently stroking.

I couldn't help but bite my lip. It was wrong to watch him, but he looked so helpless and fragile. So needy. He let go of his erection and threw his head back, slightly turning it to the side. It was a matter of seconds before our eyes met in the mirror. I smirked at him and he did the same, with red painted on his cheeks.

I turned around and so did he. Our naked bodies, only covered by our undergarments facing each other, and for a moment, neither of us knew what to do. I stretched my arm and my hand cupped his cheek. His head leaned agaisnt my hand, like a puppy seeking for comfort. I ran my hands through his hand and gave it a small tug.

His lips parted in pleasure and I knew exactly what he liked. I pulled his head so that we could be on the same level and kissed him hard. Soon, his not-so-shy hands started to rub circles on my waist, gently pressing our bodies against one another's.

"Come. Lay with me" He just nodded eagerly and let me guide him to the massive bed covered in red silk sheet underneath the thick fur of the blankets.

I pushed him into bed and appreciated the sight. I've lost count of how many times he had blushed, but he still managed to keep the cherry color on his cheeks. His skin was pale and his chest was covered in hair. He was biting his lips so hard that I though they would start bleeding soon. I knew exactly what he wanted and deserved. And I was going to give it to him.

I left him waiting on the bed a little while longer and walked graciously to the nightstand. Opening the drawer, some items could be found inside. Rope, a piece of red cloth and an expensive massage oil I had acquired during one of my trips. Just what I needed.

"Now this is what you're going to do for me. You're gonna sit on the bed, rest your hands on the headboard, spread your legs, and be a very good boy"

He followed every one of the commands quickly, and soon, his wrists and ankles were tied to bed, his mouth had a made up gag and I was sitting on his lap, naked.

I reached for the oil and slowly opened the bottle, dripping its content on my hands. I placed the bottle on top of the nightstand and rubbed my oily hands over my body. I started at my chest, rubbing circles on my breast while staring intensely into the captain's eyes. They were begging me to touch him. But not yet.

I ran my hands lower and spreaded the oil on my things, each one on the sided of his body. Every now and then I brushed my fingers lightly against his sides just to tease him a little bit. Seeing him squirm under my touch was very pleasant, I had to admit that.

After the front part of my body was shining with oil, I decided to take some pity on the pirate and lossened up the cloth wrapped around his mouth, making it possible for him to talk properly.

His mouth was wet and red, a little swollen, probably from biting on his lip. Which was exactly what he did again, running his eyes over my body, also licking his lips on the process.

"Please let me touch you. I'm begging, please" He lunged forward, being restrained by the ropes, only inches away from my face. He had a desperate expression on his face.

"Not now, bunny. But you will have your time soon. Right now" I slided my hands down his chest "I wanna have some fun with you"

I leaned down and trapped his bottom lip between my teeth, pulling back a little, forcing him to come along. I placed my hand on his neck, and the other one gripped his underwear, pulling it down skillfully. He hissed as a cold breeze hit his region, making it stiffen and rise a little.

I used the little portion of oil left on my hand to rub him down, earning back a chocked moan from his throat. I stroked his shaft up and down in a painfully slow motion, making him buck his hips in response. I chuckled a little and my mouth traveled to his neck, giving it soft nibbles and slight butterfly kissed. I trailed my tongue along his chin, and a little bit lower, trying to find a soft spot.

When he groaned I knew I had found it. I bit him right on the spot and he moaned pornographycaly. His wrists kept trying to break free, which made me realize just how desperate he actually was. He just had to take it just a little while longer.

I braced myself on his shoulders and stared deeply into his eyes as I pushed him into me. We never broke eye contact, even as we started moaning, our mouths hanging open and I staterd to bounce on top of him. The only option he had to relief a little of his heat was to buckle his hips as hard as he could, slamming himself into me. I had to hold both my hands on his shoulders to keep myself from falling of his lap.

The pleasure was way to intense, and I just couldn't take his pleading eyes anymore. I leaned back to untie his ankles and he thrusted his hips firmly up, making me almost loose balance and scream of pleasure at the same time. After his legs were free, I started working on his wrists, which was hard given he hadn't stopped his work down there.

Not even after two seconds after he was free, he embraced my back lunging forward and sitting with his knees pressed against the bed, holding me close to him, like our bodies were one. He still thrusted into me, our means mixing together and we stared at each other's eyes. He kissed me deeply and laid me softly on the the bed. Finishing himself inside of me. I finished soon after and he detached himself from me and pulled me to his chest, caressing my back and planting a soft kiss on my forehead.

"You're beautiful. And I mean it. You're special. I want to be with you" I looked up at him, a soft and genuine smile forming on my lips.

"I want that too"

///

Six months later, your belly was starting to get heavier. You felt a soft pain in your stomach and let go of the ship's wheel, but a pair of firm hands came from behind you and used one hand to hold it and the other one laid on top of your baby belly.

"I told you many times already," He kissed my cheek "go back to bed. You need rest"

"Rest my ass. I'm still capable of running this ship. I'm no less of a captain just because I'm pregnant"

"I know it, darling, but the ships now has two captains for a reason. When one isn't available or not feeling well, the other one takes over"

I sighed. There was mo point on arguing with him.

"I know, bunny, I know. I'll go, okay?" I kissed his hand and strutted to the deck, encountering Mazelinka on the way.

"How's that baby mama going, huh?" She gave you that smile you loved.

"Actually, better than I expected. Some occasional pains, but it's part of the process, I see it now"

"Very well, that's good. Julian told me to keep an eye on you. Now off to bed" She pointed to the captain's cabin.

I groaned to her in a pleading way but she kept her posture. I walked grumpily and she followed right behind. I pulled the sheets and laid down, eventually trying to pull the sheets, but I couldn't reach it because of the belly. Mazelinka grabbed the sheets and covered me, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

"You're a strong woman. You'll be a strong mother too"

And with that, I fell asleep, content.

Author's note: I loved doing that one, and I loved to see that at least one person liked it and asked for more. Thank you for your support 💞

[giratinalove3]

Different Mom prompts for Siegbert

Nobody asked of this from me but I’m going to do it anyways because Siegbert is undeniably one of my favorite characters in Fates and probably Fire Emblem. And I’m going to do one for Shiro next. ———————————————————— •Peri: He got ot her amazing cooking skills and a bit of her temper. And is a lot more bloodthirsty when it comes to fighting. Though he destests needless death, he’s not okay with innocent lives being taken for unjust reasons. He’s most likely to throw objects at people when he’s mad. Is probably one of the most hardest cryers, like Peri, out of the Siegberts. Outsiders can’t hurt him when they say something, unless they are about his mother; he will eviscerate them. ——————————————————— •Selena: He’s slightly more petty and sarcastic. One time he was feeling particularly petty he named one of his swords Xanfried to get back at his father for nameing him after his sword (though he soon learned that’s wasn’t the reason for the origin of his name. He still kept the name Xanfried for his sword though). He’s insecure about how his red hair looks on him. Is slightly a compulsive shopper. Which annoys his father to no end that both his wife and son love to go shopping. ———————————————————— •Effie: He’s undeniably one of the strongest versions of Siegbert. He likes to push himself to the limit. He is the most self-conscious about his body than other versions of himself since he works out so much; To bad puberty is weird stage of life that messes up your body. Can definitely out bench Xander, which makes Xander both proud and scared of his own son. He stress workouts and probably loves food(minus Azura Version) the most. Can likely crush a skull with ease with just his elbow. ———————————————————— •Corrin: He has more of lighter outlook on life(though the Xander part of his puts a damper on that). Is disappointed in himself that he can’t trasform like his brother or mother. When he does transform for the first time he will most likely scream then find it to be fun in a dragons body and runs for a little while before he collapses due to exhaustion. Is crazy protective over his brother. Sometimes when angry he snarls showing his teeth unconsciously letting his dragon claw grow. Is the most pacifistic out of the Siegberts. He trust people more often which gets him hurt a lot(both mentally and physically). Acts like a total cat when he’s happy; Purring, rubbing his head on you, sometimes you can even hear a little tiny baby mew. ———————————————————— •Nyx: Has very low immunity to magic which makes his constantly sick (explains his bad stats). He wants to wield Siegfried so, so badly but easily starts to get sick when constantly being near the divine weapon; He works hard to overcome this. He does know that his parents don’t want him to wield Siegfried for this very reason; he acts like it doesn’t bother him but it really does. Has the lowest self-esteem out of all of them. He has shown great magical prowess towards the dark arts. ———————————————————— •Beruka: He’s the most paranoid. He is also the least expressive. He has thought of every possible attempt on his life and has a very dark outlet of the world around him, for his mother drilling into him that since he’s the crown prince he’s a high target and once he becomes king he will have to constantly look behind his shoulder. Keep friends close and enemies closer after all. (Sorry there isn’t a lot, I don’t really ship Beruka and Xander together). ———————————————————— •Azura: Has the best singing voice out of all the Siegberts,though he’s to shy too demonstrate it. Like his mom, has to be bribed into coming to social event. He doesn’t want to take the throne but since Shigure has shown clear signs that he CLEARLY doesn’t want to be king leaves only him to become the king. He hates everything having to do with social events. Is a total wall flower that has extreme social anxiety that will be that one introvert at the party that stays near to food and drinks. ———————————————————— •Felica: Is the most clumsy- DEAR GOD HE DID IT AGAIN!😱 DON’T WORRY OTHER MOTHER or sister HAS COME TO SAVE YOU! He doesn’t have a good grasp on his height; Constantly hits his head on the door frames, walks into low hanging lights, trips on his own legs or trips someone with his legs, accidentally runs into door frames or walls, etc. Tries to keep his powers in check, seriously the boy’s hands are always freezing (LIKE ME BECAUSE IM A WALKING CORPOSE IN THE REAL WORLD) a room always has to be pre-heated before he enters because it gets cold real quick. Forrest makes everyone wear sweaters when entering into his cousin’s room. He gets hot extremely quickly. Doesn’t have a good grasp at how cold he can get let alone feel the cold weather natural or magic related. The only good that has come to the poor boy is that he has a very high pain tolerance. ———————————————————— •Charolette:He has the biggest lying and manipulative streak out of all the other versions. Fits in best with court. He also has his own version of Charrolette’s creepy smile, his is less harsh but it can still freak people out. Cares most about his looks, always keeping up with the lastest trend. Is the least trusting of people and doesn’t like opening to those that will abuse that power against him and shows his true colors sparingly. Like Effie!Siegbert, can out bench Xander, but not as much as Effie!Siegbert. ———————————————————— •Mozu: This Siegbert has his own garden and enjoys the slower pace of life. He serves foreign dignitaries some salad from his garden. Sometimes slips into Hoshidan when he’s either excited or lying. He has freckles on his face and his ma loves to call them angels kisses. He can out bench Xander but he can’t out becnh Mozu. He has a Saint Bernard and a lot of little annoying birds that come stop by Krakenburg from time to time. Hates those who talks bad or does bad things to the lower class. ———————————————————— •Hinoka: He trains the most out of all the Sieggy’s. Is probably the harshest in himself when it comes to training. Has to physically be stopped to end training. Has the shortest temper out of the Siegs. Doesn’t as along as well with his Hoshidan cousins as Sakura!Siegbert. Butts heads with Shiro a lot. Stubborn as hell. Headstrong. Has a bit to much pride to be healthy, though he isn’t cocky. (Also don’t really ship Hinoka and Xander together) ———————————————————— •Sakura: Got her stutter. Extremely shy. Can’t be bribed as easily into coming to social events. Extreme social anxiety. Gets along best with Shigure. Tried to play to koto but was bad at it and hasn’t tried to play an instrument since. ———————————————————— •Oboro: He’s always updated with the latest fashion in both Hoshido and Nohr. Knows how to sew. Takes pride in both his cultures. Has a different version of Oboro’s demon face, only shows it to people he truly despises (haters of Nohr or Hoshido will see his wrath, people who talk bad about the lower class, those who abuse their power, etc) ———————————————————— The one thing all these boys have in common is that they are total mama’s boys and would do anything for their mothers.I got really lazy on the last few.

[lixiepeach]

Nadia, Part 5

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OC, eventual Stucky x OC

Summary: He’d forgotten a lot of things. He had no name. No identity. No sense of self. But he never forgot her. The omega. His omega. He didn’t know her, name. Or where she was from. Or who she was. But he knew she was his. And he’d kill anyone who dared to put their hands on her. An A/B/O AU of what happens at the end of The Winter Soldier.

Warnings: Winter Soldier Bucky, violence, kidnapping, A/B/O dynamics, mating, explicit sexual content.

Masterlist

Nadia stayed behind Bucky as he followed Steve through the compound. Her hand was clamped tightly in his, her chest nearly against his back. She jumped every time someone passed, pressing closer and closer to Bucky. He had nearly stopped to grab her, carry her so she could feel protected, but he wanted to keep himself open in case of an attack. He didn’t trust anyone. Not even Steve. They had tried to take his omega from him. Even HYDRA had been smart enough not to do that.

Steve took them to an isolated part of the compound, offering them some privacy. The soldier scanned the room, checking every nook and cranny, Nadia pressing herself into the corner by the door. Steve watched them silently, Nadia’s eyes following Bucky’s every move. He stopped when he found the room to be safe, standing in the middle, facing the door. He held his hand out, Nadia moving to his side, her hand gripping his as she stood slightly behind him, her eyes glued to the floor.

She was strange, to Steve. They had found no record of her anywhere. Not in HYDRA’s leaked files, not in any of the bases they’d scoured. A DNA test and background check offered no hints that she even existed. What had HYDRA been trying to hide?

“You’re safe here.” He told them, realising they had been waiting for orders, or at least Bucky had. Steve had a feeling the omega would follow him without question. “There’s a bathroom you’re more than welcome to use.” He nodded to the open door to his left. Bucky had already checked it, but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to tell them they had free will. “Dinner’s at 5. I can bring you food, or we’ll save you some. If you need anything, just ask.” He stared at Bucky for a moment longer, hating the blank look on his face. He knew his best friend was in there somewhere. He’d just have to dig him out.

Steve left them, closing the door behind him. He wanted to sit and talk to Bucky. Get him to remember. But he knew he couldn’t force anything. Bucky was a scared animal at this point. Coming on too strong could push him away. But being around his old Alpha once again had him feeling strange. He’d been the Alpha for so long. Science had changed him. Turned him into something greater. But now...now he had his Alpha back. Well, his body could recognize that. But his mind knew it would take a lot to get Bucky back to that state. But he would give as much time that was needed to bring his Bucky back.

“ Doveryayete li vy ikh? ” (Do you trust them?) Nadia asked after Steve left, judging he wasn’t coming back.

“ Oni pytalis' vzyat' tebya ot menya. Pytalsya otdelit' nas. No ... no ya yego znayu. Ya znal yego. Tak ili inache… ” (They tried to take you away from me. He tried to separate us. But ... but I know him. I knew him. One way or another…)

Nadia sat on the edge of the bed, pulling him down beside her. “ On Captain America. On vasha missiya. ” (He’s Captain America. He is your mission.)

“ On byl. On byl moyey missii. ” (He was. He was my mission.) He tightened his grip on her hand, reaching up to cup her chin. “ Teper'... moya missiya sostoit v tom, chtoby derzhat' vas bezopasnym. Ot nikh. ” (Now ... my mission is to keep you safe. From them.)

He tangled his fingers in her hair, yanking her head back so he could nose at her neck. A small whine left her throat as his teeth scraped over her skin. His mark on her shoulder was starting to scab from when he bit it, his tongue running flat over the rough marks. She whimpered, shifting slightly against him.

“ Tishe. Seychas ne vremya, omega. ” (Hush. Now is not the time, omega) He said, releasing her hair so she could tuck her head into his neck, scenting him.

“ Kogda, Alpha? ” (When, Alpha?) She whispered, licking at her mark on his neck.

“ Skoro. ” (Soon.)

******

Bucky hovered over Nadia as they sat in the kitchen. Steve and Natasha were the only two left. Bucky kept his metal arm over the back of her chair, keeping her tucked against his side, his body between Steve and her. He kept one eye on her, and the other on the two occupants in the room. Natasha sat at the opposite end of the table from them, watching the two. It wasn’t unheard of for an Alpha to be protective over a bonded omega, even more so in the presence of two Alphas, but this was something else. It was almost smothering, but the omega didn’t seem to have any objections.

“ Kak vas zovut? ” (What is your name?) Natasha asked, tilting her head slightly at the omega.

She paused, mid bite, her eyes shifting up to Bucky uneasily.

“ Nadia. ” Bucky said, looking to the red haired assassin. “ Yeye zovut Nadia. ” (Her name is Nadia)

“Can she speak for herself?” Steve asked, interrupting Natasha before she could say something smart.

“No. She doesn’t speak English.” Bucky said, brushing a hair away from Nadia’s face.

Nadia looked up to him as she chewed her pasta. Bucky had a plate in front of him, but he hadn’t touched it. Steve wondered if he ate, or if he got hungry. He’d taken a bite before Nadia, checking to make sure it wasn’t drugged, or poisoned, before handing her the fork, letting her eat.

Steve’s question was answered when Nadia put her fork down, pushing her plate away before leaning back slightly in her seat.

“ Vy zakonchili? ” (Have you finished?) Bucky asked, looking down at Nadia.

“ Yesh'te, soldat. ” (Eat, soldier.) Nadia said, the exchange seeming to come naturally. Like they’d had it many times.

Bucky grabbed his fork, staring at the food for a moment, before taking a bite. Steve could see the tension in him when he waited for the drugs to kick in, or the poison to start working. But he relaxed slightly when it didn’t taking another bite.

“ Otkuda vy? ” (Where are you from?) Natasha asked, staring at the omega. Nadia.

She looked up to Bucky and he nodded slightly, telling her it was okay to speak. “ Ya...Ya ne pomnyu. Ya byl molod, kogda oni vzyali menya. ” (I ... I do not remember. I was young, when they took me)

“ Kogda kto vzyal vas ? ” (When who took you?) Natasha asked.

“ HYDRA . ” She went silent, turning her head towards Bucky. Both Natasha and Steve knew they wouldn’t get anything else out of her.

Steve tried to talk to Bucky as he ate, but Bucky was just as ambiguous as Nadia. Don’t tell anyone too much, they could use it against you, Natasha had said afterwards. Especially people you don’t trust. Nadia had followed Bucky back to their room, Steve peeking in the open door. He could hear the water running, neither of them visible. But his sensitive ears picked up the sound of flesh hitting flesh, the soft whines of the omega, and the grunts of his Alpha. He immediately felt heat rush down his body and he swallowed, quickly closing the door. He could picture Bucky, taking the omega from behind, her hands pinned to the wall, head thrown back as he plunged in and out of her without resistance. He remembered when that was him in that position. Bucky bent over his back, taking him roughly through a rut. He tried to calm his flaming cheeks as he quickly made his way to his room. He was going to need a very cold shower.

Bucky didn’t sleep that night. The bed was too soft, the compound too quiet. Too peaceful. Nadia slept, her head on his thigh, arm draped over his legs as he sat and kept watch. She was wearing his shirt, his scent covering her. A ghost of a smile formed on his face at the thought. A proud smile. His omega should smell like her Alpha. He tangled his hand in her hair, feeling the strands slip through his fingers. He liked the feeling. Soft? Smooth? His fingers slipped down her cheek to her jaw, feeling the joint clench as she swallowed, taking a big inhale before shifting closer to him, her breath leaving her in a sigh.

“Alpha?” She breathed, her grip on his sweatpants tightening.

He shushed her, tangling his hand in her hair again. She drifted back off, her breathing evening out again. But her sleep wasn’t so peaceful.

She was dirty, clothes torn and burned in some places as she was thrown into the room. White. Everything was white. Her clothes were pulled from her body, leaving her naked. She tried to cover herself, but the hands were everywhere. Grabbing, pinching, scrubbing the dirt away. The water was cold. So cold. She was forced into a gown, pure white, her skin rubbed raw. She cried, screamed, fought them as they tried to inject her with something. She let out a high pitched cry, an omega calling for her nonexistent Alpha. There was a crash and the door flew open, the hands leaving her. A loud growl, warning, dominating,filled the air. She curled in on herself, crying as the Alpha stalked towards the men in white. They were speaking, trying to calm him, but his anger washed over her. She whimpered, curling further in on herself as he approached her. Black. And silver...metal. One of the doctors tried to stop him. Crack. Broken wrist. More people entered. More black. Voices spoke around her, but no one stopped the Alpha as he approached the distressing omega. He knelt beside her, reaching out with his hand. Pale, flesh. She froze, watching his face as he touched her cheek, his fingers slipping around to grip her chin, tugging it so she was looking into his eyes. Cold silver. His anger dispersed, and she relaxed slightly.

‘Ne pozvolyayte im prichinit' mne bol...' (Don’t let them hurt me) She whispered, no more than a breath.

His grip on her chin tightened momentarily. Protect. Mine. His arms slipped around her, picking her up off the floor, carrying her from the room. No one stopped him as he left, taking the omega back to his nest.

Nadia jolted awake at a knock on the door. James stiffened, his hackles rising defensively.

“Bucky?” He knew that voice. “Bucky, it’s Steve. I have breakfast if you want it.”

He looked down at his omega for a moment before getting up, moving to the door. He hesitated slightly before opening it. Beta . His head hurt as he looked at the man on the other side, hands full of food. His beta. Memories swirled around him, making him take a step back and clutch at his head. Fingers tangled in his hair as he stumbled back, dropping on the edge of the bed.

Steve frowned. “Bucky?” He watched his friend stumble back, tearing at his hair.

Steve set the food on the desk before cautiously approaching the ex-assassin. Nadia sucked in a breath, curling in on herself on the bed, scooting back as far away from the unknown Alpha as she could. Steve held his hands up, eyes on her as he stopped a foot away from Bucky. He could smell the change in her, the distress starting to seep into the air. His heart was pounding, knowing things could turn violent quickly.

“Bucky?” He asked, kneeling down in front of his friend. “Bucky, you’re okay. You’re safe.” He wanted desperately to reach out to his friend. His Alpha.

Bucky inhaled sharply, eyes snapping to Steve. Light Blue. “Stevie?” There was no lit there, no roughness like there had been before.

“Buck?” Steve swallowed thickly.

“I remember. I remember everything.”

Part 6

[virtuissimo]

pardon me for using my blog for its intended purpose, but I’ve gota talk about my life insecurities and the pathetic reality of my ongoing existence

if ur prone to thinking badly of ppl for having social difficulties maybe dont read lol

if uv talked to me more than a few times then u kno already tbh i sound like a broken record but I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS im so fucking mad about it, why is this so hard for me???

people say that you have to go to clubs,  but honestly thats realy not enough advice for me because Findng People is not the issue, in fact i have been in several places where by all means i shuold have found someone to be friends with, but even if i do force myself to talk to people and be sociable and say uuh things and even if i do succeed in being funny and likeable (which is far from the norm and my self esteem takes a huge hit every time i exit a social situation having flopped & yes i am overly judgmental of myself but the fact that i dont got friends is proof that maybe there is some truth to it) , nothing ever comes of it!

and like i know this is a pattern with me, where ill try to do something consistently for a semester and then when i see no evidence of progress i give up. same thing happened when i decided to stick to a consistent exercise routine. i didnt feel any better, i didnt look any different, my health didnt improve, my body didnt even get any stronger my bodys limit on weight and time remained the same from beginning to end, all i felt was tired, sore, and depressed. i felt a little proud of myself for having stuck to it for that long (4-5 months? honetsly an accomplishment for me) but at the first excuse i could find i broke routine and was never able to get back on.

and honestly. same thing happened with that club. i went to almost every QTPOCA community meeting for one semester, but i just! couldnt! make!! friends!! a few people talked to me i think?? one girl named Cassie who i saw once and never again..augustine talked to me and i was really happy about that...they were very friendly and i like talking to them but i dont think our personalities mesh very well for us to be close, we also dont have any real shared interests and i dont think they particularly have fun in my company.

but other than those two people, thats it.... the meetings themselves are very different from what i expected, its absolutely not an environment conducive to my very uuh specific needs.

How did  i make friends before?? i had friends in high school. or at least i thought i did. i guess thats why im not still friends with most of them. i never really went out to movies or to their houses or to get lunch or even had most of their phone numbers, & even those whose # i do have i never really USED them. maybe its cuz i didnt get a phone until high school. maybe its cuz my parents are workaholics AND overprotective and made it too much of a hassle to ask permission to go everwhere. maybe people only rly liked me for school work purposes. maybe im just too obedient and never snuck out. maybe im just too close to my sister and never felt the need for social interaction outside of school because i had her. maybe im just making a whole lot of excuses for what ultimately is an inability to interact with other people. 

& its not like im not good at talking. im pretty quick and uuh quippy ig like i can say some off the wall shit, that just all goes out the window when im talking to strangers. idk. i can make phonecalls now, but only if i script out what im going to say in writing bcause even if i mentally script, by the time the other person picks up the phone my mind just goes blank.

i think its a part of my horrible personality maybe. like maybe i can only be in my element when i feel like i have power. my small high school & my ugly superiority complex made it easier for me to think of myself as better than p much all my peers maybe? but maybe its not that easy to do that in college since EVERYONE here got to college somehow (despite some of them actualy being dumb as fuck)? maybe?? idk if thats the case i gota change that personality quick cuz thats no way to live life. just the way im talking about it now makes it seem like maybe its not that but idk i think in actuality im a lot more egotistical than i come across as. which may or may not be saying something idk self awareness is hard.

probably also got something to do with the fact that i moved to texas away from the rest of my family & my parents work too much to make rfriends ot their own (and neither of my parents are very social people to begin with) so i never had adult social interactions modeled for me in a way that integrates friendships into ones life. thats probably just an excuse tho.

anyways. im really sick of not fitting in anywhere. im sick of not knowing anyone. im sick of being lonely all the time and feeling unlovable . and iv got like 2 friends on the internet that i rly talk to but we all know it aint the same & the MOMENT theyve busy i feel soooo fuckin lonelyyyyy

also FUCK another thing is that i am no ones priority, that shit SUCKS idk if im emotionally built for casual friendships cuz i care about all my friends so fucking much...i dont even gota be a best friend i just gota be ...important to someone lmfao maybe thast too much to ask fori know im just 21 but it rly feels like everyone already has their friends and thats that, and the worst part is that i could have made friends but i wasted all of college uuuh idk doing school or whatever LMFAO ok but other ppl can figure out how to have an active social life while doing decent in school why couldnt i do that...

whatever. if i die alone i die alone , nothin to be done about that. just gota put my best foot forward i guess. maybe learn to settle a little more. put more effort into things that arent worth it because id rather have something rancid than nothing at all.