#and im procrastinating and avoiding someone in particular

[mildeleaf]

Whatever doodles

[auroraphilealis]

Can you please recommend me some good slow burn fics and/or chaptered fics. Thanks in advance xx

Are you READY?

Cause I have so many recommendations

Under the cut cause I went crazy

Give Me A Try @danfanciesphil - Dan, a bartender at ‘Habenero’, Brighton’s hottest gay club, has been obsessed with AmazingPhil, the openly gay Instagram model for a long time. In all the fantasy meet-cute scenarios Dan has imagined for he and his semi-celeb crush, none of them involved him being at work, being soaked in various liquids, or being halfway through a Saturday night hell-shift. Sometimes, life doesn’t wait around for your plans.

Ships that Pass in the Night @agingphangirl - Dan and Phil are YouTubers. The catch? They’ve never met, and Phil doesn’t want them to.

The Meaning of Love @phandomsub - Phil Lester is an intern at the British Society of the Prevention of Cruelty to Neko – an organisation that focuses on rescuing abandoned or mistreated neko and rehabilitating them for re-adoption. He can’t say he fully agrees with the way many neko are treated, but in a world where they have no rights Phil has to agree that being someone’s pet is the best option for them. Then neko #504 is brought into the shelter and Phil finally realises just how alike humans and neko are. 

Here By My Side (A New Color to Paint the World)  - So one day, Phil walks in on Dan wearing a dress. And after a very confusing discussion, it comes out that Dan enjoys wearing girl’s clothing in private. Phil lets it be known that he’d be fine if Dan wore it around him and slowly, Dan starts opening up and letting Phil into his private world. But what Phil doesn’t expect is to start seeing Dan in a whole new way.

breathe and ill breathe (and im in love with you)  - A series of one-shots in which we explore various kinks. Said chapters will include biting, dirty talk, blindfolds, rimming, orgasm control/orgasm denial, spanking and scratching, orders and obeying, handcuffs and leg cuffs, breath play, and wax play.

Stirring in Love - @andthenshesaid-write When Phil applied to be a contestant on the Great British Bake Off he didn’t even expect to make the long-list, let alone make it into the actual tent. But make it he does and there he meets Dan, a baker unlike Phil in every possible way. After a rocky start, Phil realises that maybe he can learn some things from Dan after all, and the biggest things have nothing to do with baking.This fic was nominated for the Phanfic Awards 2016 Best of the Best!

A Map of My Heart and Mind - Dan and Phil get drunk and wake up married in Vegas, the day after Dan’s 25th birthday. Dan thinks they could just get it annulled but Dan knows what marriage means to Phil, how important it is, and he wonders if they can just fake it for a year so it’s not a total waste and then divorce. Of course, a year is a long time to pretend to be married and things can always change…

Emergency Substitute @parentaladvisorybullshitcontent - “You could always charm Phil for us,” Jack suggests. “Throw him off his game.”“Right, yeah,” Dan says sarcastically. “Midway through the match I’ll just Summon his broom to me and he’ll fall off and then Gryffindor’ll automatically win.”“I didn’t mean that kind of charm,” Jack says, under his breath.In which Dan is roped into playing Quidditch when all he really wants is a quiet life. And for Phil to never leave Hogwarts.

Road to Acceptance Series @anerdwithakoreanhaircut - Dan never thought alcohol could bring anything but misery into his life, and…well, he was kind of right; the headache was painful and the memories of how he spent his 18th birthday were gone. He manages to break into someone else’s home. But it’s because of the alcohol he meets Phil, who impacts his life in more ways than one.

If You Think you Know Me @ineverhadmyinternetphase - Fiction. Phil’s a police Sergeant. He’s been itching to get promoted to Inspector for ages, but to do so, he needs to crack his biggest case - famed internet hacker the Howler. Phil’s been after him for years, but he’d never managed to get even a hint towards his identity. When he meets a hot stranger in a bar one night, Phil thinks his luck might just be turning up. But maybe getting close to this particular stranger isn’t the best idea.

Everything You Never Wanted - Phil is an omega, he’s spent nearly his entire life going to Eastbrook, an omega only school. When his parents make the decision to transfer him into an alpha,beta,omega school his whole life is turned upside down. Especially when he meets Dan Howell, an alpha who can’t seem to stand him. No matter how hard the two try to avoid each other the universe seems to keep pulling them together.

Our Threadbare Lies @ramonaspeaks - Dan is eighteen years old and newly single. He’s ready to come out to his family but he thinks it would be a hell of a lot easier if he had a boyfriend to help him through it.

Taking Every Chance I’ve Got - All Dan wanted was to get drunk, really. Have a good time, meet a few new people. He didn’t really think about getting involved with someone as dangerous as Phil Lester (someone as cold, as pale and, well, as not alive), and he definitely didn’t think that one trip out to a bar would change his life forever.

Behind Closed Doors - Based very loosely on ‘A Little Princess’ and ‘David Copperfield’14 year old Dan Howell is sent away to boarding school leaving behind his abusive stepfather and incredibly ill mother. 17 year old Phil Lester is the school’s jack-of-all-trades who works his hardest under harsh circumstances to avoid the workhouse. The two boys meet and become close friends knowing they have to stick together if they are to survive the trials that lay ahead of them.

read between the lines (i will if you will) @phanbliss - Phil ^_^ (5:31 PM)Dan?danisNOTonfire xD i swear im really not. come check. (5:31 PM)yeah?Phil ^_^ (5:32 PM)I think I'm in love with youI justI can't wait to meet you--Skype conversations between Dan and Phil, leading up to their first meeting. 2009!Phan. Prepare for fluff.

First Impressions (Perhaps I Was Wrong) @phanbliss - Phil Lester goes back to university for his third year, expecting to live in the dorms with his childhood best friend PJ. That's how it's been for the past years, after all. However, due to a mistake of some sort, he finds himself with a new roommate to spend the semester with.Daniel Howell, three years his junior, has rich brown eyes, a laptop to hide them behind, and not more than two words to spare in Phil's direction. Phil is no fortune teller, but he foresees the upcoming months will be filled with a whole lot of awkward silence.Unless, of course, Dan proves him wrong...Could one little mistake lead to something entirely life-changing? Perhaps it could. After all, nearly everything changes when Phil meets Dan.-Excerpt: Dan's hair is soft against Phil's cheek, and his presence - gentle against his heart.Winner of Best Slow Burn in the Phanfic Awards 2016!

Reflections of the Heart - “Being told to dress up in a dinosaur onesie and have cereal catapulted at your face is a little odd. Waking up to find that you and your best friend have switched bodies? That’s fucking bizarre.”(Or, the multi-chaptered, slightly smutty bodyswap fic that no one asked for. Featuring whiny/annoying!Dan, sassy/beguiling!Phil, unintentional innuendos, intentional innuendos, unnecessary kitchen supplies, and just a pinch of magic).

Love Yourself @imnotinclinedtomaturity - A lot of things about Dan's life are pretty great. He gets to make the music he wants, he's got a great fanbase, and his manager is his best friend. A few things about his life suck a bit more. He's currently lacking inspiration, he's rather lonely, and he's stuck in a rut.Dan's been going to the same coffee shop for years. It's quiet, it's quaint, it's near his home. Most importantly: none of the employees give a shit that's he a world-famous singer. Things change when he meets the new barista.

In My Way @ineverhadmyinternetphase - Daniel Howell is 21 and Britain’s newest star. He’s just been cast in the much-anticipated film adaption of Last Man Standing, the popular teen fantasy novel with a huge fanbase hanging off his every tweet. In other words, Dan has made it big.Phil Lester couldn’t care less. He’s a stressed out PHD student working part time at a bookshop while he struggles to get into post-production. He’s 26 and still lives in a tiny flat on the fifth floor of a building with a lift more broken than it is in use. He loves books, but he thinks big film adaptions screw with the plot too much.Needless to say, Phil is less than impressed when Last Man Standing is getting filmed in his hometown. And he certainly doesn’t want anything to do with obnoxious, arrogant, so irritatingly perfect leading actor Daniel Howell.

Let Me Down Gently @ineverhadmyinternetphase - AU in which Dan is (briefly) a lawyer, until he gets fired and kicked out by his girlfriend. Wandering alone at night looking for a place to stay, he happens across a slightly strange man who introduces himself as Phil and who owns a B&B. Without much choice, Dan takes up the offer to stay there, and quickly grows to have a certain fondness for Phil. There’s only one problem: Phil runs the B&B with his long-term partner Alex.

jump a lil higher @snsknene - Dan co-hosts The Breakfast Show. Phil's his new producer. They fall in love, assisted by a bunch of romcom tropes I refuse to apologise for.

danandphilKINKS @snsknene - "I've got mine!" Dan said, waving it triumphantly. Phil knew this was serious, then, because a) he hadn't procrastinated on it at all, and b) it was barely legible: he'd handwritten it.Or: Dan and Phil have a bucket list. Except with less seeing the Great Wall of China and more Googling how to wash enema.

Strangers @waveydnp - dan is new to london and living in a mostly empty flat, desperate to forget the mistakes of his past. he's all alone -- until one day he gets a piece of mail addressed to someone in the neighbouring flat, one mr. philip lester. he can't exactly not return it, can he?

a match and a fuse @waveydnp - Phil is twenty six years old and stuck in a dead end life. He works at Starbucks and may or may not be carrying a torch for his best friend of eight years. He doesn't know who he is or what he wants--or how to go about figuring it out.That all starts to change when he happens upon the resume of a certain law school grad named Daniel.

[babyprime]

15, 40, or 50 for whichever OC you choose

If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why?

Let Hank Have A Deathclaw 2287 :( one of these days im gonna break down and actually give him one but i really dont think the others will support it, especially with his like 3 dozen fucking dogs. literally if hank were left to his own devices he would have at least one of every wasteland creature (in particular the most murdery ones) but he once tried to come home with a juvenile radscorpion and annie left town for like two weeks so hes stuck with just dogs for now. probably has had a nightstalker though

Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with?

it takes trouble a calendar week to prepare for anything like that but he lies about it. forcibly removes sweet eri from his own fucking house and emerges a day later looking like a suggestive vogue photoshoot, and it really doesnt matter where theyre going or if looking like that is appropriate or practical, he WILL be wearing it and later WILL be removing 3/4 of it when he gets drunk enough. it’ll either be with eri (in my own verse) or with Dem Boys (in the campaign verse) and it its with the latter he’ll say I’m Ditching These Clowns Lol but in reality never go more than 2 feet from them at any point

the Childhood Trauma Trio™ (aureus, nex, and loa) would go out together whenever someone can convince loa to like, go outside. it couldnt be to anywhere one of them wouldnt be comfortable with, so shit like Posing In A Graveyard and plays/etc would always be a safe choice. loa either appears dressed like a victorian porcelain doll or in the spiritual equivalent in the fantasy world to shorts and an anime t shirt and theres....no in between. theres also no telling which one. aureus gets very slightly drunk and takes his shoes and shirt off and they get kicked out 3/10 times they go anywhere

the only one of The Boys that stands out in this circumstance is hank. hank doesnt “Get Ready”, he hears the rest of them leaving and emerges, like a cat, and someone (usually barry or probably nik) reminds him of anything hes currently missing (shoes, armor maybe, jackets, etc) and MAYBE he’ll put those on but otherwise no change whatsoever. of course, hes going with at least one of the others, because he doesnt have any friends that Do Things and nobody likes it when he goes out alone. literally nothing good comes from hank going out alone. he WILL return with a baby deathclaw, stolen items, and 3 bounties placed on him

If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count?

i could give a number of sad responses to this but aureus would absolutely leave death on read. he would procrastinate doing anything and ultimately forget about it. aureus would set a phone alarm for “2:43 PM Wednesday: Die” and it would go off and he’d be like ‘huh’ and then drop dead immediately. like what im saying is death means NOTHING to this man

[k-bloggs]

Have an embarrassing read at something i tried to write a couple years ago. back when i was happy lol

My First Blog. – 20/11/16

Okay, so here goes. This is my first ever attempt at anything like this really. I have written before in many different formats and styles but I don’t know what’s come over me lately but I feel inspired to write again and I know as well as anyone else this isn’t a typical feeling that comes along every so often so by fuck I am gonna’ grab it and take a chance and see where I end up.  I literally just unlocked and locked my phone again there because I’m trying to have a proper focused dedicated mind to attempting this. I’m not even too sure what I’m supposed to do in a blog, what even is a blog? I don’t know but I know that I’ve wanted to start making a journal of things that are going on in my life but due the fact I am extremely lazy this may be very seldom so the next update could be quite a while so don’t expect anything too frequent.

Like I said I’m not even too sure what I am meant to be doing or how I am even meant to go about it, I am a firm believer in the fact that writing doesn’t have to be performed or practised in any particular way. That there is essentially no wrong or right way in how it is carried out or laid out, but I feel like I just want to do something a bit more productive with my life from now on. A long childhood friend has recently started doing animations and making his own videos and uploading them to YouTube and to be quite honest they are great, its so great to see something like that, the thing about Ryan Is that our friendship took a bit of a standstill when we were kids must have been between the ages of 8 and 10 at least. Ryan and his family were emigrating to New Zealand and as a kid yeah you see this as a big thing but you don’t realise the likelihood of seeing them as often is completely and utterly abolished due to the fact you have no idea how much it would cost to fly out there. Ryan must be around 18 or 19 now and I just turned 20 there this year, and its great to see we still have so much in common, to just spit it out and be clear after seeing that this is what he into it kind of inspired me to get back to what I love doing. I love writing. I’m not so much of a reader which is the weird thing, again all down to my laziness, if a book doesn’t get my attention within the first paragraph or so I find it very hard to stick with it or even go back to it if I do manage to finish a chapter. The same applies for the likes of articles and campaigns and any form of literature really. But I thought hey you know what it’s about time I started doing what I love and even more its about time I start love what im doing.

Just to be clear, this year has probably been one of the biggest milestones of my life. I finally did it, I finally got a girlfriend. Fuck. It’s still weird even saying that, so yeah I will leave the ultimate love story of the century to maybe the next blog or edition whatever the fuck you want to call this. This is mainly just for me to get to grips with the style that im going to write in, if I do choose to carry on with this (Which I feel like I will). If anyone reads this yeah, awesome im happy someone out there is reading my stuff but to be honest this if for me as much as it is for anyone else out there. I want to see what I can do and if this really is the best time to get back into writing, basically one side of me is saying yeah what the hell go for it you need something like this but at the same time as there always is, the polar opposite emotion of just fear I guess? Not wanting to pick something up again only to go off my track record and drop this 5 minutes later like I do with everything else? But hey its 7.15pm on a frosty Sunday night in November, what else am I going to do? Sit, procrastinate and wish I had of done something useful.

Not that im going off track because essentially there isn’t much to this article its just me spamming a lot of stuff down so who ever reads this can kind of of get a grip of where I am right now in life and basically why I’m doing this. So here goes, I dropped out of college for last week. For the second time…

Yeah im officially a two time college dropout, nothing t be proud of I assure you, but im just waiting for the opening credits to roll ad realise im in the first scene of a really shitty coming of age movie where im the older brother your parents don’t want you to turn out like.

But yeah, I left school at 16 and went to a technical college, basically an establishment which offers a-levels to people who didn’t get back into school or else didn’t want to go back to school. I studied a 2 year course in creative media production and honestly it was awesome, it was so fucking cool and the course didn’t have that many uninteresting or boring areas, but yeah you guessed it I was lazy didn’t do any of the work and just took advantage of the whole independent learning aspect of it and never bother showing up for class plus a whole pile of other steamy shit went on that year that we are just not gonna discuss at this moment in time. But coming towards the end of the second year when the course was gonna finish and In a couple months after that I would figure out if I got the grades to get into the uni of my choice I asked my teachers if they would be wiling to let me come back and repeat the second year of the course. They were more than happy to, they gave me exactly what I needed, a fresh slate and a chance to correct myself, and you know what happened? Yeah your right I totally blew it and fucked up again just hated the thought of working or studing in media for any longer. Like I loved making short films and writing screenplays and everything I even liked some of the assignments but basically I had it in my head I didn’t want a career from this anymore due to the fact it was something I loved so much and it was basically kicking my ass all day, all fucking week long. The only thing that got me through that repeated year of college was the girl of my dreams and we weren’t even going out yet. But as said before there is more to come with her, she deserves the whole word so the least I can do is dedicate one sole piece of writing to me and her and our story, truth is there are not enough words in the world to even begin to describe who she is and how she thinks and works and even jus to describe how she came into my life, yes a combination of letters on a page or screen may work for some people but no, not for her. This girl is a queen from another realm, she is a princess from a faraway kingdom, she is an angel from heavens further and beyond the highest clouds. She is the love of my life and that is the only way to explain her and who she is. But getting back to the educational fuck ups In my life, here goes the explanation to how I arrived here, 5 days after dropping out of another course. This time I was studying IT, you know trying to go down that route of career, thinking of my future and what not? Yeah that didn’t go to plan either, I basically rejected a full time promotion on good money and I hadn’t regretted anything as much in my life. Basically college was another fuck up and let’s just say I managed to get out and finished a bit earlier this time rather than waste my own time and anyone else’s. Plus, if I carried on with these next two years that would 5 years of studying A-levels just for me to be a whining little bitch about how I didn’t want to go to university. I am just at the stage of my life now, not where I am considering moving out and settling down but some things don’t appeal to me the same as they used to. Going to uni and living and experiencing that independence in life and finding a career path and devoting the rest of my life to something I may not even be happy at? Na, no thanks not for me. Not at this moment in time anyway. For right now I’m happy enough to keep my eyes and ears open for what all jobs are available for me and what foot to put next in front of me. Get a couple extra pounds in my pay check each fortnight and you know that might do for year or so. Maybe get back on the studying boat in a year or two and carry on with the IT. That is, you know if I don’t become like a stereotypical copy of a character you would expect to see in a ‘Community’ reboot.

I was watching a clip of Jim Carey giving a speech a couple of days ago and basically what I got from it was that he had returned to his old school or college or university or whatever in order to give a commencement speech or he was receiving his award or something anyway not really vitally important. What is important is what he said in his speech, basically his message he was getting across as in most motivational speeches, is the reinforcement of using fear to help you rather than to put you off, accepting fear and accepting that no matter what you will fail, but that’s okay and if it wasn’t for the fact that accepting it you wouldn’t have the drive to reach for greatness like so many greats have done before you, whether they have made it to great fame and fortune or if it was just the regular girl from a small town who made a life and career for herself because it’s what she wanted to do. Anyway, Carey says, “You will only ever have two choices, love or fear. Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.” Basically what Carrey is telling us here is to embrace fear, don’t avoid it, stare down the barrel of its gun charge at it and conquer it, but never let it conquer you, never let fear become the objective always make sure it rises no more than an obstacle in your course, a mountain you must climb or a hurdle you must leap over. Defeating fear is never the final piece of the puzzle. Like walking in a straight line, you put your left leg forward and then do exactly the same with your right, repeat until you arrive where you need to be? Well, fear is that first big step. The first big step into a new world and a new environment and mind set and who knows what it’s going to throw at you. But you need to remember that it’s there to make sure you don’t triumph in whatever you set out to do, but you can’t move forward without taking that step. Then comes the next step, failure. And as stated before yeah, your gonna fail, your gonna fail and you’re going to fuck up and mess up and trip up, over and over and over again, this is the repetitive steps the same as walking that we take to go in a straight line, the same works with this. Without taking the same repetitive bullshit same old story steps in life, we will never reach the finish line that is success.

[meanderfall]

A-Z meme

Tagged by @daydreamingofdragons, thank you! ^_^

A (age): 19

B (biggest fears): Being alone, being unimportant

C (current time): 9:21 pm

D (drink you last had): Raspberry flavored wine (’twas very mild and thus the only wine I’ve ever enjoyed drinking so far)

E (every day starts with): Trying to remember what is reality and what isn’t

F (favorite song): atm, probably Saturn by Sleeping at Last

G (ghosts, are they real?): Sure

H (hometown): I live in the vicinity of Montreal (though not really, I’m like an hour drive away from downtown)

I (in love with): No-one irl. (lmao pretty sure im deathly afraid of actually falling in love so that’s probably not gonna happen for a while)

J (jealous of): Nobody, I don’t think. In general, I’m jealous of people who are capable of being a functioning adult in society because man. It is not going well for me right now.

K (killed someone): Nope.

L (last time you cried): Last week, 1) because of the movie I was watching (Moana) and 2) because of the general stress of my life atm and her struggles hit me deep

M (middle name): Hélène 

N (number of siblings): 4

O (one wish): A job please.

P (person you called/texted last): My older brother

Q (questions you are always asked): “How’s the job search going?” (the answer usually being poorly, which is probably my own fault bc i am an Anxious Mess)

R (reasons to smile): Friends

S (song you last sang): Son by Sleeping at Last

T (time you woke up): I woke up at like 2 am today and then went back to bed at like 4 or 5 am, and then woke up again at like 11.

U (underwear color): Purple

V (vacation destination): ???? Meh, there’s no place in particular I really want to go. Maybe Japan?

W (worst habit): Procrastination and avoidance (I also did not forget to change this, but this is definitely my biggest and worst habit as well, so)

X (any x-rays?): I don’t think so.

Y (your favorite food?): Rice

Z (zodiac): Capricorn, which would fit if it weren’t for all the talk of being a hard worker and goal-orientated

I’ll tag @cloudsaysthings, @anthcny-stark, @aroacedrienne, and @theaussiedragon

[modiintrainguy]

7 Nights

You need to make a nice song I can listen to at night time.

Not this grime rap shouting stuff.

3.38

Pm

Tel aviv hahagana

 It was Krepts birthday yesterday. Fact. I saw it on Instagram. They went to a hotel in manchester. 100-strong squad.

Well nice to start with a detour.

Just shows eh.

Addhdhdhdhdhdhdhdddd

Distraction procrastination whatever it is.

Well to be fair, I usually write nice a focus relatively so what the u know.

But now im avoiding. Which has been the theme of the last few weeks.

 So where are we at. Whats going on in this fuckedupheadof mine

With 2 days till the mrs’s birthday and 4 till dad turns up once again.

?

 It appears the painful anxiety has gone gone gone. One minute I couldn’t take it. Next minute I had a sympathetic manager who agrees I need some clarity and structure and says I should use jira.

And bingo.

 Now u mightthink ive not written for a while but I actually wrote on paper. Im gonna photograph them paper and post them on tumbling just to keep things in one place.

 But anyway

Whats on my mind.

Im gonna list it.

The problem is typing is such a natural relaxant for me I prefer to just type whatevers coming out.

But when I write with a pencil im more specific.

Then again, why is one better than the other.

Nobody knows whats right. Whats gonna help.

 So

List

In no particular order – I keep on thinking I need to put it in order of importance and I cant work out whats the most important!

 1.       Therapy seems to have come to an abrupt end. I mean I wanted to but im disappointed cos I feel like she got upset and I tried to be polite – all I did was say I didn’t feel like there was a plan, a structure and she got upset.

So now ive got to find someone else I guess.

So maybe I find someone on Maccabi.

But it feels like rejection. I didn’t mean to be unfocused. I didn’t mean to come across like im anti. I wasn’t.

I guess its just time. At least the anxietys gone even though its kind of been replaced with depression.

 2.       Im confused. Whats going on with my head. What is actually wrong with me. Theres got to be something – im undoubtedly emotionally unstable. I run from fine to fucked up in seconds.

But what is it. Cos if I don’t know what it is then how can we find the solution?

Childhood? Untreated add fuckoing d?

Mother?

Self esteem?

Did T have it all so sorted?

What do I need?

Adddddddddd therapist? Drugs? Whats the matter with me and whats the answer? I neeed a path.

 3.       Planning the birthday. Get a present. Book the waffle. Go with the girls to the kanyon. Yes.

 4.       Littlun pottty training isn’t a success.

I wanna give up

Mrs doesn’t

Blames me for getting annoyed.

Fuck this shit.

 5.       And all this before work work work? New job?

I mean its ok but its not comfortable.

So I wait n see what happens after ice and just get on with it.

 The heads rushing

 6.       Tried to run Friday. Fell over so stopped but felt rubbish

I guess the anxiety was powering my running although today I did 5k and a lot of it on 11.2 2.5 incline

  7.       Am I being lazy not taking a hold of myself?

I think so but I get stuck.

 8.       Im being a burden to the mrs.

I wish I wasn’t but I am.

I get upset with the girls

I smacked littlujn for pooing yesterday

 9.       I want a watch

But do I want the casino for 250

Or ask dad to bring me

Or apple watch plus airpods

Can I afford

 10.   Money money bills

Ts idea – just do it.

Focus on the solutions not the problem

Easy said. Hard done.

Easier to go to bed.

 Do I feel better?

No.

Gonna read that shit book

Whatever. U do ur best.

  Gonna do this tonight:

-          Think about therapy options – stay or go!

-          Book the waffle bar

-          Think about what to do when dads here – go away? Invite people for lunch?

-           

PS Morning update. i didnt do any of that stuff.

kids were asleep by 7.45. got uncomfortable. tried to watch man city v arsenal. tried to watch more tv. tried to get meaty washing up done by the time wife came home. she came home while i was doing it. finished it. went to bed while she did a fuck load of other things -washing the covers for the seats and stuff - all cos my dads coming. my dad. not hers. 

fucking shit. 

woke up at 4am. told her i love her but i hate me cos i all i am is a problem. she said im not for the litteun. or for her (implying i am for the littlerun). i said i am. tried to do meditating. didnt sleep. got up to give litterlun tete. got the kids up went to work. same shit. 

can i get out of the funk funk. is a new job the answer? potentially.

being sociable. MadinAmerica? fuck it all.

got to write some copy.

[mdpikachu]

VIRTUES AND FLAWS

Have you ever needed a list of descriptors for a character bio? I have.

Absent-minded

 - Preoccupied to the extent of being unaware of one’s immediate surroundings. Abstracted, daydreaming, inattentive, oblivious, forgetful.

Abusive

 - Characterized by improper infliction of physical or psychological maltreatment towards another. Insulting and violent, cruel. good at manipulating people

Accepting

 – Tolerating. too accepting; willing to excuse extreme behavior

Adaptable

 – Able to adjust easily. used to traveling from situation to situation; may not be able to fully adapt/live in a permanent situation

Addict

 - One who is addicted to a compulsive activity. Examples: gambling, drugs, sex.

Affable

 – Easy to talk to, friendly.accidentally befriends the wrong sort of people; pushes to befriend everyone

Affectionate

 –Very fond and tender. inappropriate affection

Afraid

 – Fearful. knows how to create traps

Aimless

 - Devoid of direction or purpose.

Alert

 – Quick to notice unusual things. constantly on edge; paranoid

Altruistic

 – Cares about others but not themselves. self-destructive behavior for the sake of their Cause; refuses to think of self; suicidal. Selfless.

Ambitious

 – Zealous, committed. willing to do anything for their success

Anxious

 - Full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous.

Apologetic

 – Regretful. apologizes too much; is a doormat; guilt-ridden

Arrogant

 – Egotistic, haughty. confident

Ashamed

 – Sheepish, guilty. attempts to change, destroy, or get over what they are ashamed of

Aspiring

 – Can direct hopes and ambitions. becomes very ambitious; ruthless in their attempts to reach goals

Assertive

 – Confident, forceful. misunderstood as aggressive; actually aggressive; others react negatively when they take command all the time

Athletic

 – Physically strong, fit, and active. joints weakened from exercise; performance-enhancing drug abuse; competitive

Audacious

 - Recklessly bold in defiance of convention, propriety, law, or the like; insolent; braze, disobedient.

Avoidant

 – … Self explanatory? an expert in indirect communication (i.e. internet); keeps secrets

Bigoted

 – Biased, prejudiced. probably has a group to support their bigoted world view, is intolerant of those who differ.

Blunt

 – Straightforward, frank. honest, callous, insensitive, brusque.

Boastful

 – A bragger, prideful. confident; high self-worth; not easily belittled

Bold

 - In a bad sense, too forward; taking undue liberties; over assuming or confident; lacking proper modesty or restraint; rude; impudent. Abrupt, brazen, cheeky, brassy, audacious.

Boring

 – Dull, plain. blend into the background; unnoticeable

Brave

 – Can face danger and pain. engages in risky behavior; exposes others to risky situations

Busy

 – Occupied. overworked; no time for play

Callous

 - They are hardened to emotions, rarely showing any form of it in expression. Unfeeling. Cold.

Calm

 – Tranquil, quiet, hiding emotions. do not want their sense of security disturbed; turn a blind eye

Carefree

 – Free from anxiety. apathetic about life; naïve

Careful

 – Cautious, wary. paranoid

Charismatic

 – Compelling. uses their charm for evil; convinces people to do questionable things; gains an unexpected cult following

Childish

 - Marked by or indicating a lack of maturity; puerile.

Competitive

 – Combative, fierce. always gives their all to win

Complex

 – Complicated, intricate, hard to understand. difficult for others to understand and/or get close to

Confident

 – Self-assured, positive. arrogant

Conservative

 – Cautious, reasonable. plays to not to lose before playing to win

Contradictory

 – Contrary, opposing. true intentions always unknown

Controlling

 – Seme-ish, in-charge. excellent organizer; observant

Cooperative

 – Helpful. submissive

Cowardly

 – Timid, fearful. survivalist

Crafty

 – Sly, tricky, cunning. intelligent; manipulative; evasive

Creative

 – Imaginative. lazy; procrastinator

Critical

 – Negative, disapproving. good at spotting errors; opinionated; strong-willed, judgmental

Cruel

 – Savage, sadistic. everyone fears them; few enemies

Cultured

 – Discriminating, enlightened. elegant; stylish

Curious

 – Eager to learn. sticks their nose where it doesn’t belong

Dainty

 – Small, pretty. delicate; easily broken

Decisive

 – strong-willed, makes quick decisions. refuses to change their mind

Delusional

 – Misunderstanding, mistaken. thinks original thoughts

Demanding

 – Nagging, insistent. knows what they want

Dependent

 – Reliant on someone else. protective of the thing they’re dependent on; emotionally linked to object of dependence (capable of love). Unable to exist, sustain oneself, or act appropriately or normally without the assistance or direction of another.

Detached

 – Aloof, uninvolved. won’t worry about empathy, sympathy; no emotional connections to slow them down. Mentally decayed. Insane. Crazy. Mad. Psychotic.

Determined

 – Firm, resolved. refuses to recognize a no-win scenario

Diligent

 – Hard-working. perfectionist; neat freak; works too hard; doesn’t get enough credit for their work; taken advantage of; forgets to take care of self

Dirty

 – Vile, low, unfair. can work well in chaos

Disciplined

 – Controlled. by-the-book; need standards

Dishonest

 – Given to or using fraud, cheating; deceitful, deceptive, crooked, underhanded, corrupt

Disloyal

 - Lacking loyalty. Unfaithful, perfidious, traitorous, treasonable, Fickle, faithless. self-serving; always looks out for Number 1

Disrespectful

 – Rude, impolite. challenges ideas that others haven’t out of fear

Disturbed

 - Showing some or a few signs or symptoms of mental or emotional illness. Confused, disordered, neurotic, troubled.

Dramatic

 – Intends to make an effect, theatrical. overdramatic; no one takes them seriously; see life as a game

Dreamy

 – Not practical, a daydreamer. cannot focus on the present; thinks only in abstract; cannot see evil motives or fault in others; naïve

Dry

 – Unemotional, dull. negative; smartass

Dubious

 - Fraught with uncertainty or doubt. Undecided, doubtful, unsure.

Eager

 – Enthusiastic. hyperactive; refuse to follow through; blindly rushes through actions

Eccentric

 – Strange, odd. not understood by others; strange; cannot socialize; cannot read body language

Egotistical

 - Characteristic of those having an inflated idea of their own importance. Boastful, pompous.

Embarrassing

 – Humiliating. outspoken; rebellious

Empathetic

 – Easily comprehends others. bleeding heart; try to humanize everything

Envious

 - Showing extreme cupidity; painfully desirous of another’s advantages; covetous, jealous.

Erratic

 - Deviating from the customary course in conduct or opinion; eccentric: erratic behaviour. Eccentric, bizarre, outlandish, strange.

Extravagant

 – Spendthrift, wasteful. appreciates the finer things in life; probably rich

Fair

 – Honorable. value justice over mercy

Fanatical

 - Fanatic outlook or behaviour especially as exhibited by excessive enthusiasm, unreasoning zeal, or wild and extravagant notions on some subject. Extreme, eager

Fickle

 – Erratic, changeable, unstable - especially with regard to affections or attachments; capricious.

Fierce

 – Intensely aggressive. violent

Finicky

 - Excessively particular or fastidious; difficult to please; fussy. Too much concerned with detail. Meticulous, fastidious, choosy, critical, picky, prissy, pernickety.

Fixated

 – Obsessive. motivated, possess a goal they will pursue until the end. Fetish, quirk, obsession, infatuation.

Flirty

 – A tease. flirts with the wrong people; make unwanted advances. Minx. Tease.

Forgiving

 – Softhearted. forgives everyone, no matter how bad they are

Frightful

 – Horrific, nasty, grim, dire. few enemies; not actually frightening on the inside

Funny

 – Humorous, amusing. not taken seriously; sad on the inside (several famous comedians have been suicidal); eager to please

Generous

 – Kind, giving. gives everything away; thinks nothing for themselves

Gentle

 – Mild, considerate. patronizing; over-forgiving; naïve; cannot make hard choices; bleeding heart; unwilling to injure or hurt others, tender

Gifted

 – Talented. fear others will surpass their abilities; arrogant; ambitious

Gloomy

 – Downcast, dejected. can always think of (and plan for) the worst case scenario

Gluttonous

 - Given to excess in consumption of especially food or drink. Voracious, ravenous, wolfish, piggish, insatiable.

Greedy

 – Possessive, covetous. opportunist; great at using situations for maximum profit

Gruff

 - Brusque or stern in manner or appearance. Crusty, rough, surly.

Gullible

 - Will believe any information given, regardless of how valid or truthful it is, easily deceived or duped.

Hedonistic

 – Pleasure-seeking. likes a good time; appreciates a good party

Hoity-toity

- Given to flights of fancy; capricious; frivolous. Prone to giddy behaviour, flighty.

Honest

 – Sincere, virtuous. blunt; tells truths that hurt others; cannot keep secrets

Honorable

 – Moral, right-minded. honors all promises, even the stupid ones; by-the-book; studious

Humble

 – Modest. refuses to take credit for work; dislikes attention

Hypocritical

 - One who is always contradicting their own beliefs, actions or sayings. A person who professes beliefs and opinions for others that he does not hold. Being a hypocrite.

Idealist

 - One whose conduct is influenced by ideals that often conflict with practical considerations. One who is unrealistic and impractical, guided more by ideals than by practical considerations.

Idiotic

 - Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless.

Ignorant

 - Lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact. Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge.

Immature

 - Emotionally undeveloped; juvenile; childish.

Immoral

 – Wrong, wicked, corrupt. nothing holds them back

Impartial

 – Neutral. fair

Impatient

 - Unable to wait patiently or tolerate delay; restless. Unable to endure irritation or opposition; intolerant.

Impious

 - Lacking piety and reverence for a god/gods and their followers.

Impish

 - Naughtily or annoyingly playful.

Incompetent

 – Inept, clumsy, unskilled. good at compensating for inadequacy; good at masking disabilities

Indecisive

 – Hesitant, undecided. impossible to predict

Independent

 – Individualistic, free. does not play well with others; withdrawn; dislikes authority

Indifferent

 - The trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally, remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern. Having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless.

Infamous

 - Having an extremely bad reputation, public reproach, or strong condemnation as the result of a shameful, criminal, or outrageous act that affects how others view them.

Insensitive

 – Heartless, inconsiderate. impossible to criticize or demean

Insulting

 – Disrespectful, mean. don’t care about anything

Intelligent

 – Brilliant, smart. arrogant; does not listen to others’ ideas; depressed

Intolerant

 - Unwilling to tolerate difference of opinion and narrow-minded about cherished opinions.

Judgmental

 - Inclined to make and form judgments, especially moral or personal ones, based on one’s own opinions or impressions towards others/ practices/ groups/ religions based on appearance, reputation, occupation, etc.

Klutz

 - Clumsy. Blunderer.

Lazy

 – Slothful, lethargic. works in quick spurts of inspiration

Lewd

 - Inclined to, characterized by, or inciting to lust or lechery; lascivious. Obscene or indecent, as language or songs; salacious.

Liar

 - Compulsively and purposefully tells false truths more often than not. A person who has lied or who lies repeatedly.

Loyal

 – Devoted. overwhelmed with responsibilities they feel they need to honor; does not see faults in what or who they are loyal to; taken advantage of; dogmatic

Lucky

 – Blessed. relies on their luck to get them through situations instead of working it out themselves

Lustful

 - Driven by lust; preoccupied with or exhibiting lustful desires.

Manipulative

 - Calculating, devious. makes people do what they want; size up situations well; long-range planning abilities

Masochistic

 - The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

Mature

 - Adult, responsible. arrogant; condescending; patronizing

Meddlesome

 - Intrusive in a meddling or offensive manner, given to meddling; interfering.

Meek

 - Evidencing little spirit or courage; overly submissive or compliant; humble in spirit or manner; suggesting retiring mildness or even cowed submissiveness.

Megalomaniac

 - A psycho pathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence.

Miserable

 – Sad, downcast, glum. accustomed to working with mental handicaps; motivated to destroy source of misery or overcome it; perfect for hurt/comfort fics

Morbid

 – Macabre, gruesome. accepts death is inevitable

Mysterious

 – Puzzling, evasive. unknowable; isolated; unsociable

Naïve

 - Lacking worldly experience and understanding, simple and guileless; showing or characterized by a lack of sophistication and critical judgement.

Narcissistic

 – Vain, self-obsessed, concieted. praises those who praise them; high value of self-worth

Narrow-minded

 – Intolerant, bigoted. opinionated; strong-willed; righteous

Nervous

 – Anxious, edgy, jumpy. plans for everything; survivalist

Nosey

 – Prying, inquisitive. curious; discovers things before others

Obedient

 – Compliant. obeys stupid commands

Observant

 – Sharp-eyed. pick up on negative body and language cues faster than others; perceives others to have extreme emotions

Obsessive

 – Neurotic, fanatical. single-minded; driven

Offensive

 – Insulting, hostile. down with the establishment; rebellious; free-thinker

Opinionated

 – speaks at inappropriate times; alienates others with radical views

Oppressive

 – Harsh, Tyrannical. commanding

Optimistic

 – Dogmatic, pompous. refuses to acknowledge defeat

Organized

 –Neat. perfectionist; neat freak; cannot function amidst disorder

Overambitious

 - Having a strong excessive desire for success or achievement.

Overconfident

 - Excessively confident; presumptuous.

Overemotional

 - Excessively or abnormally emotional. Sensitive about themselves and others, more so than the average person.

Overprotective

 - To protect too much; coddle.

Overzealous

 - Marked by excessive enthusiasm for and intense devotion to a cause or idea.

Pacifistic

 - Opposition to war or violence as a means of resolving disputes back

Paranoid

 – Fearful, suspicious. prepared for anything

Patient

 – Tolerant. waits too long; inactive; passive

Patronizing

 – Condescending. unintentionally patronizing

Peevish

 - Expressing fretfulness and discontent, or unjustifiable dissatisfaction. Cantankerous, cross, ill-tempered, testy, captious, discontented, crotchety, cranky, ornery.

Perfectionist

 – Purist. obsessive disorders; take a long time; never satisfied with their work

Pessimist

 - A tendency to stress the negative or unfavourable or to take the gloomiest possible view.

Pest

 - One that pesters or annoys, with or without realizing it. Nuisance. Annoying. Nag.

Playful

 – Fond of games, jolly. don’t take life seriously; inappropriately try to make light of a serious situation; not taken seriously

Possessive

 – Overprotective, clingy. attached to something; has something they value

Powerful

 – Dominant, forceful. absolute power corrupts absolutely

Practical

 - Level-headed, efficient, and unspeculative. No-nonsense.

Predatory

 – Wolfish, exploitative. good at spotting weaknesses; opportunist; patient

Predictable

 - Easily seen through and assessable, where almost anyone can predict reactions and actions of said person by having met or known them even for a short time.

Productive

 – Gets work done, inventive. rushes through things; envied by coworkers; nerdy; perceived as sucking up to the boss

Protective

 – Defensive, gallant. over-protective; paranoid; possessive

Proud

 – Conceited. arrogant; unwilling to accept help; headstrong

Rebellious

 – Defiant, disobedient. resents authority; uncooperative; temperamental; represents a defunct or incorrect ideal

Reckless

 - Heedless. Headstrong. Foolhardy. Unthinking boldness, wild carelessness and disregard for consequences.

Regretful

 – Ashamed, remorseful. spends too much time in the past; sad; avoids situations like the one they regret

Remorseless

 - Without remorse; merciless; pitiless; relentless.

Reserved

 – Slow to show emotions, aloof. bottles up feelings; unsociable; difficult to understand; reluctant to tell secrets

Restless

 – Edgy, tense, nervous. unfocused; cannot follow through; has a history of moving and/or many short relationships

Romantic

 – Passionate. cheesy; enslaved to their partner

Sadistic

 - The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others. Deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.

Sadomasochistic

 - Both sadist and masochist combined.

Sarcastic

 - A subtle form of mockery in which an intended meaning is conveyed obliquely.

Secretive

 – Silent, reserved. unknowable

Seducer

 - To lead others astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; corrupt. To attempt to lead or draw someone away, as from principles, faith, or allegiance.

Self-Martyr

 - One who purposely makes a great show of suffering in order to arouse sympathy from others, as a form of manipulation, and always for a selfish cause or reason.

Self-righteous

 – Smug, preachy. high self-confidence; unshakable belief

Selfish

 – Egocentric. self-interested; survivalist

Senile

 - Showing a decline or deterioration of physical strength or mental functioning, esp. short-term memory and alertness, as a result of old age or disease.

Sensitive

 – Responsive, touchy. over analytical; perceives things that aren’t there

Sentimental

 – Emotional. saves everything; vomits emotions; tells everyone, even when in appropriate, about the object of their sentiment

Shallow

 - Lacking depth of intellect or knowledge; concerned only with what is obvious.

Simple

 – Plain, straightforward. want yes/no answers; turn away from complex problems; passive

Skeptic

 - One who instinctively or habitually doubts, questions, or disagrees with assertions or generally accepted conclusions.

Smart Ass

 - Thinks they know it all, and in some ways they may, but they can be greatly annoying and difficult to deal with at times, especially in arguments.

Soft-hearted

 - Having softness or tenderness of heart that can lead them into trouble; susceptible of pity or other kindly affection. They cannot resist helping someone they see in trouble, suffering or in need, and often don’t think of the repercussions or situation before doing so.

Solemn

 - Deeply earnest, serious, and sober.

Spineless

 - Lacking courage. Cowardly, wimp, lily-livered, gutless.

Spiteful

 - Showing malicious ill will and a desire to hurt; motivated by spite; vindictive person who will look for occasions for resentment. Vengeful.

Spoiled

 - Treated with excessive indulgence and pampering from earliest childhood, and has no notion of hard work, self-care or money management; coddled, pampered. Having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or over-solicitous attention.

Squeamish

 - Excessively fastidious and easily disgusted.

Strong

 – Physically powerful. fears being seen as weak; bullying; compensates for or hides weaknesses; refuses to acknowledge weaknesses

Stubborn

 - Unreasonably, often perversely unyielding; bull-headed. Firmly resolved or determined; resolute.

Suave

 – Charming, sophisticated. manipulative; untrustworthy

Successful

 – Rich. fears losing success; paranoid; ruthless; hates or fears competitors; arrogant; descends into self-aggrandizement; decadent

Superstitious

 - An irrational belief arising from ignorance or fear from an irrational belief that an object, action, or circumstance not logically related to a course of events influences its outcome.

Suspicious

 – Wary, doubtful. quick to sniff out problems

Tactful

 – Discreet, perceptive. tells white lies; despises revealing information; unwilling to give up secrets; waits for the appropriate moment

Tactless

 - Lacking or showing a lack of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others.

Temperamental

 - Moody, irritable, or sensitive. Excitable, volatile, emotional.

Theatrical

 - Having a flair for over dramatizing situations, doing things in a ‘big way’ and love to be ‘centre stage’.

Thoughtful

 – Reflective, philosophical. under-appreciation can make them bitter; sensitive; over-attentive

Timid

 -Tends to be shy and/or quiet, shrinking away from offering opinions or from strangers and newcomers, fearing confrontations and violence.

Tongue-tied

 - Speechless or confused in expression, as from shyness, embarrassment, or astonishment.

Troublemaker

 - Someone who deliberately stirs up trouble, intentionally or unintentionally.

Unforgiving

 – Harsh. just

Unlucky

 - Marked by or causing misfortune; ill-fated. Destined for misfortune; doomed.

Unpredictable

 - Difficult to foretell or foresee, their actions are so chaotic it’s impossible to know what they are going to do next.

Untrustworthy

 - Not worthy of trust or belief. Backstabber.

Vain

 - Holding or characterized by an unduly high opinion of their physical appearance. Lovers of themselves. Conceited, egotistic, narcissistic.

Vengeful

 – Revengeful. justified in revenge; driven; vigilante

Violent

 – Threatening, wild. passionate; reactive

Weak-willed

 - Lacking willpower, strength of will to carry out one’s decisions, wishes, or plans. Easily swayed.

Wise

 – Enlightened, clever. perfectionists; people expect them to be right always; fears giving the wrong advice; have doubts

Withdrawn

 - Not friendly or Sociable. Aloof.

Witty

 – Comical. cannot take things seriously; offends others; thinks they are funnier than they actually are

Zealous

 - A fanatic.

[emanresusi-blog]

Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

[smallalison-archive]

hey folks! a lil update. . .

here’s what’s been goin on:

not being on tumblr was awesome. i suggest y’all try it, even just for 3 days or a week. cool shit happens; u just gotta be introspective and observant to notice. u’ll have wild vivid dreams. very cool.

i got into one of my top colleges (and will be interviewing for their honor program in february) and finished all of my college applications (im so FUCKING relieved)

read and bought a lot of books!!

here’s what’s gonna happen:

i won’t delete my tumblr in the immediate future, but i have deleted the app from my phone (and intend to keep it deleted) which means i won’t be on as often as i used to

if y’all catch me being on this site a lot, call me out. tell me to get the fuck off and read a book. if you see me making posts about how irritated i am about this site, call me out. tell me to change my password and stay off for a week. i really mean it, and i don’t mean to sound dramatic. there’s a sense of dependency i have on this website that has done no favors for me. i rely on this site for interaction, but much of it is unhealthy or inauthentic or prohibitive of legitimate nonvirtual interaction.

being off this site does not strain me in the least bit. i.e.: i do not get sad or lonely or unproductive or anything negative w/o it. i noticed that i compulsively attempted to check it and when i realized that i was unable log in, i didn’t feel upset or irritated; i was simply reminded that i’m too dependent on it, and i moved on w my fucking day. nothing’s different except that my mind is clearer and i feel more in control of my emotions. along with tumblr, i deleted my twitter and instagram apps, and i don’t have the desire to go back on either. i redownloaded instagram to check someone’s account and checked my feed afterwards and was immediately angry and jealous and irritated! which is how i feel a lot of the time with tumblr as well. so i’ve deleted the app again and don’t plan on going back on. 

if this comes across as pretentious or preachy, i apologize, and i don’t intend it to sound that way. your relationship with tumblr and social media is your own, and i can’t speak on your behalf, but i do encourage you to stay away from it for at least a couple days or a week and see how you feel and evaluate the healthiness of your relationship with social media. and then do with your evaluation as you will. 

in my own experience, i feel inhibited by a lot of aspects of social media and find that they control and instigate a lot of negative feelings that i have. i don’t at all want to be dependent on something so controlling and manipulative and skewed. i value very few things more than independence, and my history with social media has only deprived me of that. 

tumblr and other social media have the potential to be addictive if they are not balanced out with more reliable forms of satisfaction. i mentioned that removing yourself from your smart phone or ur most used apps can produce some complex and vivid dreams. same thing happens when smokers quit smoking. i think that speaks volumes. if my brain is thinking more creatively at night because i’ve stopped filling my time with useless online shit during the day, who’s to say what i can do when i’m conscious and not reliant on another entity? 

i also want to clarify that i am not trying to bash or make a case against people who enjoy using social media and are able to extract happiness from their relationships w it. tumblr, in particular, has been a fantastic medium through which i could share and expand my interests with others who cared as i did and make some really solid friendships and connections w people. there are ways to use social media healthily, to control it so that it is not negatively affecting you, and i’m working on learning how to manage that. technology is advancing and media are transforming, so the best course of action, for me at least, is to learn to utilize it to my advantage and learn to step away from it when necessary or change my frame of mind and approach to usage.

in my personal experience, tumblr is a distraction; i function better w/o it. these past 2 weeks, i got a lot of shit done! that’s not to say i didn’t procrastinate or i wasn’t tempted to check tumblr (in fact i checked some people’s blogs during the 2 weeks) or i was super productive, but i experienced a conspicuous change in perspective. i was able to concentrate more deeply, think more creatively, and process information more efficiently. my emotions were more manageable, more sensible, and unmuted. i want to avoid the negative facets of this site as much as i can, but as i mentioned, i do retain dependence on it and find a lot of satisfaction on the site which is hard to achieve without equal amounts of dissatisfaction. over the next few weeks, i will be on, but i will try to limit my usage and function in a way that promotes only beneficial results. if any of you would like to reach me in a non-tumblr way, or talk to me about anything (really anything!), go ahead and PM me and i can give you my number or email or kik or whatever. <3 catch ya later lads

[twelvesixabm]

“Its worth to learn.”

 By: Brookshield Kim Supresencia

Its such a previllage to learn something that can really help you specially in Academics. In English for Academic and professional purposes has taught me more than what I expect, it helped me a-lot i never thought that I’ve come this far to write and learn something that will measures my ability when it comes in writing. Nevertheless i can prolly say that im not that good in writing essay and making such things related in academic writing but now i can proudly say that ive conquered those challenges theres more that i can do. There were many lessons that have  been significant to me, those are writing an position paper, book critique, review paper, movie critique and many more. In addition i can now apply this soon when im in my collage where my skills are now better and well enhanced. Furthermore the lectures that was very important to me is when we discuss plagiarism, it is very important to know what are things to be applied when it comes to writing.  Committing plagiarism is a crime where you are stealing someone’s idea and works and it comes with lying, cheating and claiming whats not yours. Honestly many of students were familiar to this kind of practice they often do this because of the idea of procrastination and they don’t believe in their self’s. Its not that wrong to look for someones idea but make sure that you cites everything in order for them to be given a credits. Also as i know now im already particular in avoiding and committing plagiarism as i start practicing myself to believe in my own works it made me more productive as a student. Moreover i was able to understand about the note taking techniques, aspect of professional and academic language and the factors that shapes the academic writing, with all of these i can now create a more professional and academical outputs. Additionally academic essay is a piece of valuable, informing and persuading the audience and besides it has three main parts which is the introduction, body and conclusion. It should provide debatable thesis and solid evidences and most specially it follows set of guidelines to promote and produce an better academic essay. Somehow all the lessons are worth to learn for and i can also share it to other people because learning is sharing. Moreover in a short period of time applying those lectures is such a relief as if i can now construct an essay formally, i must always be thankful to all the patience’s and knowledge that have been given to us for i know that i will also use this in the future. In addition you can’t pay the hard-works that was provided for us but somehow by cherishing and loving those learnings of my beloved professor, doing all the best for the future professionals.

Brookshield replied

[aj-wolfington-iii]

I don’t think i actually want a relationship yet. I thought I really wanted to be with someone, especially one person in particular, but I think what I’m really after is the actual state of friends who are interested in eachother. No obligations, no restrictions. I just want to like somebody and them like me back, I want to find that person who looks at me the way I look at them, who is interested enough in me in a relationship sense that they actively want to talk to me and learn things about me. Someone who is ok with just being friends and spending time together till we either change our minds or fall in love with eachother. I'm just tired of the "you're attractive, let's date, oh wait I don't actually like you, bye." This way I just avoid pointless break ups.

I don't get out much though, and don't really make a lot of friends in public, don't talk to much of my old friends either, I guess thats why I fall so easily for people on the internet, cuz I feel it's the only way ill meet someone, I'm always under that impression that someone on the internet is that person, and honestly I agree you can't know someone from social media, but I feel I put more of me on the internet that I put out in real life and I then I open up more about more secret things after knowing someone better.

In doing things this way I think im accidentally becoming interested in someone, maybe not as bad as I usually do but i stated quite firmly there was nothing and now this person has made quite an impression on me, cuz they have been playing into my weakness, being nice, giving me attention, talking to me back and forth, and laughing at my jokes or just stuff I say, and how they actually went back to something i brought up despite getting sidetracked multiple times, it doesn't help that they have a cute personality, nice sense of style, nerdy, and has a nice voice. And don't even get me started on how they knew just what to say to make me not feel bad about my laziness or procrastination, even relating but still pushed me, I dont really get that much.

While I'm still not necessarily crushing, or actively pursuing them, I'd still be really heartbroken if it turns out they are just good at being quite the charmer and friendly person who happen to have all the right things to get to me, but doesn't actually think about me more than any other person on the internet.

That could be my anxiety...

They said I made their 2017 great, they talked about me while I wasn't there, how do you just ignore that?

I find myself now wanting to be closer to them like I am with the particular person stated earlier, I just want them to at least of their own accord tell me that I mean something to them, I no longer want to be the first one. I'm tired of hurting myself, but this is starting just like my last feeling catch, while it's not serious now, I'm scared it will be eventually.

This went a direction I didn't expect, but guess I'm posting it anyway.

And one of my followers might know the people im talking about, if so please don't tell them.