#and im not mad at my friends of course and its not theyre burdening me

[caffeinatedopossum]

All of my friends are either suicidal or have anorexia or both and I don't know what to do with all of this worry

[megamind2010]

hello im nell bishops #1 fan i need to know 4, 10, 11, 12, 17 and 19. (takes my final breath and passes away)

please live

11 and 17 i already answered 🐞👍

4. How do they act when they’re sick, and does it change depending on who they’re around or how sick they are?

will soldier on to the best of her ability within reason (if it's infectious she'll work from home etc etc) and often stupidly pushes herself past what is healthy... dummy. doesn't like being doted on by or "a burden" to anyone cuz theyre very self sufficient so its pretty much the same for anyone. of course acting like this has landed nell in "feverish fatigued horribly ill" territory a couple of times which is deeply embarrassing for him. and for casey who has had to take care of him probably

10. Share a sentence of dialogue from your OC that you think represents them well.

i... i... (flipping through my documents) i. im sorry. i dont think i have an answer for this one..?! i dont write a lot of actual bona fide nell dialogue... she isn't very talkative!! can i cheat and say dialogue that YOU wrote? cuz the "he hurt me!" "did he?" exchange still like. haunts me forever. nell getting really serious for one second at the idea that casey genuinely came to harm... ACK... GUH... sorry i dont have any presentable nell fanfiction to draw from. are you mad at me

12. What does their bed and/or desk look like? Tidy or cluttered - are they both the same, or is one neat and the other messy?

tidy tidy tidy. can't stand clutter at their desk especially! everything has a place and if it doesn't belong on the desk it won't BE on the desk. their bed is a lot more dependant on casey cuz he's usually in it later than nell is. extreme pet peeve is casey eating in bed and leaving crumbs, nell HAAAAAAAATESSSS it

19. How do they connect with the people around them? Love language, how they offer comfort, etc.

how do they connect with people...? not very well most of the time. nell is pretty uncommunicative with almost everyone and doesnt tend to offer comfort either verbally or physically. she's big on acts of service for people that do matter to her, but she doesn't tend to back it up with words or any readable outward display of affection... even ted isn't getting a full deep&meaningful convo with her on the reg. for her family and real friends, it's about... providing for them... doing what she can to keep them safe and happy... my little tsundere*

*citation needed

[unproduciblesmackdown]

like i said i’ve never dated anyone, never slept w anyone, never even really kissed anyone that i count as a proper kiss; i don’t regret this as i’ve never really wanted to date anyone and i doubt i ever will—not in the proper “romantic” context anyways. in fact nowadays the idea of being totally independent in that regards is appealing whereas the abstract concept of being with someone makes me feel Neutral - Put Off

as per kissing, i just havent happened to do that tho im not put off by the concept, exactly. its the same w having sex—i’m not against it, but i do have a lot of boundaries and i wouldnt be surprised if nobody came along at the right time that i’d be comfortable being fwb. but there’s a chance i could ever have an orgasm w someone else’s help, as i’ve never even gotten close on my own, but frankly if this never happens at all i dont really care. im just mad that i don’t have access to this basic ass thing. being able to masturbate and get an orgasm. thanks for another arbitrary shit deal that ought to be one fuckin luxury in this life

also im fine w kissing to express affection. but again; boundaries. again; not betting anyone will come along who i’ll be comfortable kissing, awesome if they do. again; dont really care much abt missing out

oh im also always annoyed abt virgin jokes. i also would not call myself or anyone else a virgin because thats a fake and shitty concept but you know. there’s really no way not to be mocked here and i’m not about to take on the burden to spend 49 min dismantling why it shouldn’t really be particularly funny or be obligated to lay out every reason i’ve never had sex to prove that i get to be exempt from being laughed at

also it doesnt help i’ve never dated anyone b/c thats like oh definitely a loser. and im fine w it myself but im not fine w other ppls shit obviously. and yeah i’ve turned people down but i shouldnt have to say so. yeah i guess its hilarious or whatever that im single. im used to all kinds of contempt based on other bare bones factoids abt you and im not about to hide anything abt myself so that i can, idk, retain the respect of total asshats

oh and then there’s the fact that i dont really drink. ive been drunk once for like five min but that was coz i was dehydrated and didnt stop to think that my first drink shouldnt be coincidentally a cocktail that i didnt even like b/c i can’t get thru a full glass of anything containing rum w/o it being just punishment and gagging at the end. nobody likes alcohol for the taste and i dont like getting drunk coz ive never had friends for social drinking and all alcohol does for me is the Depressant shit of making me even more tired. but i dont have to abstain b/c of religious or Moral High Ground reasons and yeah i’ll have a drink to be polite or b/c i came to this bar to use their tvs or whatever but most of the time i dont bother but if you say you don’t drink assholes wanna ask why for shitty reasons and for the sake of ppl who truly would not be comfortable answering that question i hate being asked it and also ive never been non-sober in other ways and don’t particularly want to but i very much despise the whole straightedge thing and gotta explain im Not That lol like. its never enough to just say you dont want to. i mean, of course it is, it should be, but people act like its not

anyways back to the never dating ppl and don’t particularly intend to ever do so—sucks becauseeeee

1) having that kind of partner is being given priority from someone in a way you probably won’t be given otherwise (*i* won’t be given otherwise, i don’t have family or longtime close friends, and i wouldnt expect or want anyone i know to have to support me this much)

2) related to that first point—all the kinds of support ppl get in a relationship, financial and emotional and all that shit. like even that simple issue of how married ppl often get a bunch of essentials as wedding gifts that a single person has to buy themselves and theyre not getting to split the rent either lol

3) related to the first and second point—you’re the extra wheel around all the Most People You Know who arent interested in being single forever. like man i third wheel even as a friend amongst friends. and im just not interested anymore. used to be more depressed abt how Never Dating Anybody means youre guaranteed to be non top tier priority to anyone but im less bothered by the idea of not getting that kind of support. i have myself to be my Number One and its never enough to make sure things are okay for you but i dont care about how little other people might care about me b/c i’m not interested if they’re not

like its not me who has a problem w me not wanting anything Romantic but its so fuckin like hammered in as the ultimate peak of humanity that there’s plenty of external bullshit with this. smh

[blackrupee]

god theres no way to talk about this without sounding like an ugly obnoxious “i hate small talk” tumblr brat but

social interactions are so fucking fake, and its encouraged to maintain some sort of “appropriate” facade that is just. straight up dishonest. this can manifest itself in various ways

customer service, specifically emotional labor. demanding this labor, either employer-side or customer-side, just feels gross. does it not feel gross? i can only speak on the latter case as i have been a consumer but not an employer. the knowledge that a cashier is faking happiness in order to “please” me because its “expected” (expected according to social standards of interaction or expected of the employer? more on the former later)...like doesnt that feel manipulative? like im being manipulative by existing? perhaps thats a fault of my own—the feeling of existence as a default burden on others. i feel like an argument could be made that this is in the nature of existence, and not a flawed perspective of my own. in any case, my personal experience is that because of the nature of “customer service” i end up sharing an unnecessary burden that is, at its core, arbitrary.

of course, much has been said on providing emotional labor. faking a smile for customers is as such—fake.

casual social interactions. this is where it gets really “i hate small talk” obnoxious but hear me out lmao. i was a passive party in a conversation at work the other day, partially due to my reclusive tendencies, primarily due to my lack of knowledge about the topic of conversation. this conversation was about some tv show, letterkenny? idk. the only thing ive seen of it was a scene that was on tumblr. but my coworkers were just going back and forth talking about the show, and it just seemed strange to me. like it was literally (sorry this is edgy) “yes, i consume and enjoy this media” “i also consume and enjoy this media” “haha this is a fact about this piece of media that i enjoyed” “i enjoyed that as well. [media references]” “[more references]” “[even more references]” is there anything of value or of meaning with this interaction? is there a purpose beyond saying that you both exist in the same world (contentious) with access (contentious) to the same media? and that you have consumed the same media? whats the point? whats the point? an argument could be made that human identity is formed in part due to things we “like” and by sharing things we “like” we share our selves. yet is this not an unnecessary abstraction, and unneeded proxy, a useless avenue by which interaction occurs? the question then is what qualifies “real” interaction? what forms might this take, and what information is shared?

more on casual social interactions since that was dominated by an anecdote. just basic daily conversations with “acquaintances” just. it just feels so pointless. honestly, it feels like more of a burden and inconvenience than anything. however, im still going to feel lonely because no one talks to me. [maximum edge incoming] i just fucking wish the animalistic desire for companionship could be fucking bred out of people already. its such an inconvenience. i want to be able to exist without feeling, like in general, but specifically without feeling like i need to meet some requirements for social interactions. babies die if they arent handled enough in infancy. how stupid is that?

friends in particular. there seems to be a significant difference in what we consider a “friend” versus an “acquaintance,” but the distinction seems to be as intangible as the one between pseudoscience and accepted science. just as science is “real” and pseudoscience isnt, such are friends and acquaintances. and as such, similar problems of demarcation present themselves. im nto going to delve too hard into this but like. with regards to the initial topic of falsity in human relations, friends seem as guilty of this as other more “casual” (how is that defined?) relationships. the most pressing thing rn is actually what prompted this entire post lmao. when faced with the despair associated with consciousness, or even less existential problems like a poor exam score, it is always suggested to confide in friends. “dont bottle up your feelings” “talk about it” “im here for you if you ever need anything” its all fake. theyre all lies. no one gives a shit, they just pretend to because theyre expected to. why are they expected to? universal standards of “not being a dick”-ness, maybe. the aforementioned primal urge for social realization, maybe. (being an asshole nets you few friends, a fact i can attest to). unloading problems on people is a burden, and it will always be a burden. even if it was hypothetically possible for someone to actually want friends to come to them with problems (sadism, maybe?), it is objectively burdensome. as such, no one wants to take on the burden, yet acts like they do. they have to. theyre required to. and its bullshit.

i dont know this is stupid and ramble-y and edgy and literally the worst thing ever but i literally feel like im going to explode and this is the best way to avoid being a burden. instead, ill release my stupid pointless ridiculous edgy problems into a virtual oblivion visible only by zeros and ones. no one will read this, and thats good. thats the point. release of pressure while inconveniencing no one. just. talking through dumb shit to no one at all, but it feels cathartic. definitely feels better than curling up in a fetal position alone in my room.

im still mad that it feels at all

basically im just a fucking sociopath (or im just being an edgy preteen lol) and need to be locked up bye

[somedaypast-thesunset]

 im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked  our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole.  i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".