#and im not in survival mode anymore so i cant just power through | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hauntedlikeahuman · 4 years ago

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my higher power

Happy born day to my angel. Your birthday is exactly a week after mine, i was born to never forget you. I think about your birthday a week before i think about my own birthday, and a week after your birthday i’m still thinking about you.

I feel like everything i am today is attributed to you. and its something im trying to understand. im trying to believe this makes sense or has the potential to make sense but. still just trying to keep my head abpve water

its crazy cause you passed away about 4 months before the pandemic and quarantine and all the hate and violence and bigotry and heartless monsters were the stars of our collective nightmare. i was suprisingly unbothered/privilaged in 2020, in comparison to others. i was annoyed at the world for suffering after me and the people i love finally clawed our way to not suffering. then nothing healed, everything internalized and it compounded over that year of absolute chaos and pain, and it was waiting for me when i got out. which meant people were even less open to hearing about it. people were talking about suffering because they couldnt go to the olive garden or get a haircut. and through all of this shit i was annoyed at the fragility of people. the entire time i knew the world would be fine and would go back to relative normoralcy and adjust. I KNEW THAT PAIN WOULD END FOR MOST PEOPLE AND I WOULD HAVE TO PICK MINE BACK UP AND START. ALL OVER AGAIN

i havent made a new friend since you passed. i have not shared a piece of me with anyone. i feel a connection with no one because no one feels like you. when i think i want to open up to people, im always somehow reminded of how theyre NOT like you and thats all i can think about. its like trying to find people to connect with but you have to seriously lower your standards for connectedness or be alone and never have a true connection ever again cause you were the ONE and youre gone now, even after all those years of surviving. so fuck it. seriously, fuck it. i dont even care about being a good friend to anybody anymore. i feel like ive lost that ability because ive lost you so i cant see the good in people, i only see how inferior they are as loved ones in my life. people i love will lowkey disappoint me when they do things you would never do to me. you are always the standard comparison. its literally a curse. you. cannot explain any of this shit to anybody so what the fuck is the point if i can never get over this? i literally dont ever want to make friends who will not live up to you. it is absolutely a waste and being alone forever feels like the better option for my heart

like i cant fucking believe im in this world without you. i will never get over it. it is the biggest fucking joke and i cant believe im forced to be here when youre gone and jude and noah have to grow up without you. i hate the entire world for that. im pissed that this is really how things have worked out. im pissed that we’re told in rehab that all our friends might die and you think theyre just serious about saving your life so of course they say that cause they cant be wishy washy, they need to be deadly serious. you KNOW the statistics but in this moment you still feel like a warrior among warriors and theyre saying that for all the OTHER people who cant stay sober... and 5 years later you suddenly realize that everyone really did die and they were right. and then you wonder if they even believed they would be right or if they were handing heroin addicts with gentle hands and sticking to the all or nothing bottom line because of how fragile that life is and because of all the funerals they have attended. i think about all the people who were in that room with me who are now gone and wonder if they thought they would make it. its like youre trained to never get too comfortable with your life. and you will enter recovery for the first time and feel like youre on a cloud and met the most amazingly strong friends and then slowly you watch them fall off, relapse, go to jail, get kicked out of rehab, in the. hospital with a blood infection or texting you asking you if you have any old anti biotics because they have an absyss and cant afford. to go to a doctor or have. a warrant or cant bother being admitted to the hospital for an abcess when you have a heroin habit to keep up on. the hospital is the least comfortable option at that point.....

let that sink in

the hospital is the least comfortable option for someone who sleeps in a park and has to beg for food and spend every waking hour in problem solving mode with only very temporary reprieves from the pain and the shame. and youre treated like trash the second people realize you dont have a home. its the most absurd nonsensical shit youll ever experience and then they actually do all end up dying. i have a vivid. memory of the people sitting in that room with me who i didnt wanna lose..... theyre all dead. except one. i’m not lying... its really hard to not keep score at that point. my friends thrive and rebuild and change other peoples lives along along the way and then die at 4 years sober... literally am worthless compared to all the people who should be here instead of me. i still cant even fucking stand life. and sometimes i feel guilty and ashamed and mad that you left me here. and im fucking worthless in this world compared to you. i have not been able to get myself back in the gym. i literally cant do shit without you and im paralyzed without realizing it. when i try to tell people that i literally dont give a fuck about anything because i’m already carrying the greatest injustice of my life, i really mean that shit. im not exaggerating for literary purposes. these are things that break my heart in retrospect.

it took me up until the first anniversary of your death to actually piece together the fact that literally the whole fucking world went to shit after you passed. i swear to God thats not a coincidence. shit i never thought i would never see in my entire life was happening right after you were gone to the point where i was so distracted with that atrocity, i wasnt even tending tending to the atrocity in my heart.

im trying to want to believe that makes sense

the first anniversary of your death came on the day the election was officially called a victory by Joe Biden. Literally what the whole world was waiting for, including myself. i watched people celebrating and parading in the streets and finally being relieved. i woke up with you on my mind way before i heard the good news and was quickly reminded that my heartbreak goes on. couldnt even distract myself with social media. i feel like i’m always the one sad on the days of celebration. and its not even about me just seeing some shit on social media one day in 2020. in 10 years this day will be in the history books my kids will read and i will hear about it in my classes in the future and i’ll be 83 years old in November 2073 and you will still be on my mind

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noblehope · 7 years ago

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Hey! When you get the time/drive, I really want to know what personally draws you to your muse! What is it that inspires you so much? What do you admire in them? What do they mean to you? Just give me a sweet, sweet feelings dump :D

… ah. No one’s ever really asked me this before, I think??? It actually caught me off guard. I’m still hibernating until my days off again but I really want… to answer this now. Though forgive me cause???? Idk where I’m going with this.

I… I really don’t know how to answer this, I’m sorry. It’s a very… hm. Idk, I’m actually not that good at describing stuff when it comes to me personally.

I’m drawn to… Everything about her. It’s weird how important she’s become to me. I’ve had other favorites, other characters I felt a bond with and adored, but throughout my life Sonia’s just been special. Even new characters in new fandoms I get involved in (karma from c/inderella phenomenon, zeno fro a/katsuki no yona) I really can’t explain it unless you have yourself. She’s been a constant in my every day life and I don’t remember how or why it started.

She wasn’t one I was drawn to at first. I remember, I did Twog/ami’s and G/undam’s ftes first. Those were my first “I really like them”. I just… I can’t remember, but by the end I really did like her most of all. She was the one who led me to roleplaying on tumblr, not Sakura. I had… roleplayed a little bit with my bf at the time on Skype as her and Peko, but I liked rping Sonia more. Haha, I wonder… how would this all have turned out if I had chosen Peko instead? I plan on rping her at some point so we’ll see how that goes.

Okay, I looked back on my steam trophies and I see that I completed Sonia’s FTEs on May 6th, 2016. I beat the game on May 12th, and Sonia was the 3rd one I had completed (Gundam first though it would’ve been twogami first if he fucking lived i remember now how i had nyoomed to finish his in island mode, Fuyuhiko second which I remember blazing through during the fun house because of being fucked locked from his ftes and THE 2ND TRIAL UGH I NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON IN HIS HEAD, and the final event revealing that he survives somehow but yes)

So yes, of the survivors by that point I can definitely see that she had won my attention since I didn’t complete any others during my run in story mode. But… that brings again, why?

Okay let me ramble on for a second about my other favs of the franchise: Sakura, and Hoshi. They all seem such different characters but I believed it was around mm… this time last year, that I discovered what they all had in common: some kind of self sacrifice.

Hoshi sacrificing his future for revenge, Sakura sacrificing her life for her friends, and Sonia sacrificing her desires and wants for her country. That is a big thing why I adore her, I would say it is the second thing, but we still haven’t reached the root of her importance to me beyond just “everything”, and I do mean Everything, even her flaws, though that’s a topic for another time.

“Do you not agree that dismissing a different set of values due to ignorance is foolish?”

This. This is the driving force behind my interpretation of Sonia, and always will be. This reflects so much in the game. How she’s the one to ask everyone if tying up Komaeda will solve anything, but if it’s what’s everyone agrees to she won’t object. She’s genuinely the only person in game to stop and think about Komaeda even if he is “troublesome” (excluding Chiaki and Hajime), and I spotted that a mile away even when I hated his guts in story mode. It doesn’t matter to her if someone’s ways of thinking is strange, she wants to understand. She wants to know how they think, and this extends to her interest in true crime and serial killers as they shouldn’t be thought of as “mere murderers”, because their reasonings are far more complex than that. It doesn’t mean she will agree with them, but she doesn’t want to dismiss them as just.. unreasonable, because to them they are being reasonable and just have different values. She wants to know the why.

As well though this is just my headcanon, Sonia’s been stalked with the intention of being murdered. It’s cathartic to her to learn about things like this. Again, that’s a topic for another time tho since this is getting way too long.

She’s so… often thought as naive, but that shouldn’t be confused as ignorant. The language barrier doesn’t help. Sonia’s one of the smartest in the cast and I will defend that as truth forever??? She’s so so smart, she’s so talented, like holy shit. 30 languages? All these topics that’s required of her to know because of her being apart of this strange and almost fairytale-like land’s royal family? Like, holy shit.

But, we learn through the little tidbits she gives us Novoselic is far from perfect. You can read in between the lines (um hello? Weapons everywhere despite it being a peaceful nation? Basically raising children soldiers with them knowing how to drive tanks in grade school? An underground blackmarket for creatures we only know are a nobility status and required for courting, and grow/shrink when angered and scared or whatever I think that’s it tho?), and see how unhappy she is with her country with certain things. (Sonia mentions how consuming a Skong is her country’s ritual for her to be recognized as an adult but she refuses to do it) She wants to change her country for the better. It’s time to move forward and Sonia wants to be the one to start it.

There’s also so much she’s hiding from everyone. Her final FTE is her breaking down in front of Hajime, collapsing and sobbing in his arms as she cries out how she wants to go home. How he thinks she’s finally letting herself act like a normal girl, and how before he had thought “of course she’s scared”, when he sees her hands shaking and that being her only betrayal. It’s just…. gahhhh… I could talk about her for hours.

She’s just so… so, so amazing. There’s a fire inside her and just this overwhelming kindness to everyone and she’s so strong. She inspires me. She’s so fun to explore and crack at because I want her to experience everything, and imagining her in alternate universes like siren sonia or serial killer sonia (which um I’ll start up again someday) is so fun, because I always make sure she is still Sonia at her core. I want her to feel, I want her to break, get angry, fall in love, develop both positively and negatively and see how it changes her. I’ve said it before but always kinda jokingly… idk, the best answer to “what does she mean to you” is… Idk, she’s my daughter. Not my waifu, not my lover, not my whatever. A daughter. I love her. She makes me happy. I have a little nendoroid of her??? And I kiss her little head for good luck when I’m going out and feeling nervous, and it’s my favorite thing in this world, I about cried when I got her as it was random chance. I’m… IDK IM CRYING RIGHT NOW. There’s so much to say about her but I can’t say it properly just how much she means to me and why she inspires me so. She just does, she’s not perfect but she’s so wonderfully important to me, not only for my creativity, but like. She’s my rock.

It’s… really something, when you learn so much both about the world and yourself through roleplaying and researching a muse. And, just what I’ve been through, it’s all because of her. I don’t think things would’ve been the same if I had chosen someone ese to roleplay first… I’ve had people compare Sonia to me, and gosh is that a delightful feeling that makes me smile. She’s radiant and makes people feel at ease, and it’s a blessing to know I evoke the same emotions and people feel strongly enough to make a comparison. That I’m doing something right. I don’t think she is me, I’d never use the word kin, its just… idk? Being compared to someone you really care about is an amazing feeling. It makes me want to keep doing what I’m doing.

But ahh… I’m, rambling so much and Idek if I’M MAKING SENSE? I love her, I really love her, and nothing comes close to what ideas she’s given to me and what peace she brings as well. Like okay, Ik it’s fun to shit on ko/daka a lot but I’m so thankful for him bringing her into existence. Ughhhh I’m crying and CANT SEE ANYMORE so maybe this is where it should end. Please just know I absolutely adore this character and I am honored that I bring her to life for people through roleplay and invoking emotions (being proud of her, being scared for her, etc, not only just cause Sonia but gosh is it powerful when you know people are moved by your writing) through that, that I can bring others to appreciate her (even Sonia haters to liking her, which is such a feat) and love her too. To make people understand her a bit more and how many layers, some even contradictory, she has. I really really hope this makes things a bit clearer even if it’s a mess of emotions, and that it’s the sweet sweet feels dump that you wanted.

there’s so much more i can say but i figure this is enough

#〚》𝔾《 straight from the horse’s mouth ( out of character. ) ✧ 〛#〚》𝔾《 there’s a rainbow somewhere and it’s a beautiful day ( mun info. ) ✧ 〛#tulpacest

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originalkittensublime · 5 years ago

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...

(NOT EDITED) Not sure where to start.

I was gone, then I was gone again. Then I left her. But didn't let go ..ever.

Now I'm back in the city. Of course, I was on that street, of course, I was passing by her work a few times.

When i saw her first time...from the car, from the other side of the road...my whole body was stuckstucked...like some kind of electricityelectrycity run through it...

wow. Like there was huge physical response. Mega huge. Then I was there again from the other side... and she saw me. And again boom. I hoped she wouldn't

Now I'm waiting for her to come. Not in a place I wanted, and not in a place she said.. so

...

3.1.20

So it was just a randomrandome coffee place. I was nervousnervouse as fuck, when i was waitingwiting few times i was going outside. If ill be still smoking i would, alot. Then she wrote me she is outside...1 sec and im out. just going there. Going there to hug her. I wasnt thinking i just went there and hugged her, and jesus... that feeling...i missed her so much. She was smiling, she seemedseemsed to be ok. We went in, she was happy as fuck. I was reading. I started to read and all the pain i was trying to get over in past month was comingcming back. All that nightmare we went through... when I was saying I can'tcan live like this anymore coz its killing me, i was saying it all the time, writing even screaming at her, and all she heard was, I will be alwaysallways here, we will make it. And then I left. Which made me a lier in her eyes, made me the person who through her outr of the windows, doors and all the other escape holes on the street like a dog. (her words). I read it all. There were a lot of love, alcohol and some drugs. There was changes, written on a paper. I have no idea about real changes. I believe that people dont change. And when they change for another person it'sits never healthy and good.

I saw on a paper that all her world is me. That her love is so huge, that it took all the place. Which isn'tisnght sound good...but then.. Somethings turned, changed.

She was mad again, that kind of mad I'm scared to death, that kind of mad which makes me silent and i cant talk. And then i knew will come that "So?"with that look i was scared too... What could I say if the only thing i was saying was that im not going to be back no matter what. She was mad. Mad that i was there. Mad that i was a ghost. Mad that im not back. Just leave or stay. I decided to leave but never left in a way she needed it. i should probably block her...kindergartenkindergarden...

After she said "don't you ever come to my face" and left to the bathroom, I did what i thought was the best decision, don'tdont come to her face. As i was going away she run out from the coffee place like a hurricane. Throwing things on the floor. Mad as fuck. Screaming at me all kind of those things... She asked me if i something something like a cunt. Cunt) I said yes. What else could i say. I was going away. She was holdingholing me and she was screaming at me and begging to stay at the same time. I saw all the pain again. Also she said that all her days arealre filled with pain even tho she is calm and ok.

All the things why i endededned it happened that night again. Fuck, how hard was to just stay with my decision. I just wanted to hug her and all would be good. But that'sthats what we were doing all those 3 months. Just being in the present moment doing things that feels good now. Now I'm focusing on the future.

You were saying me all those things didn't realize that that'sthats what is frighteningfrightenign me the most. Those things would never make me stay. If I'd stay that night, that would be just coz I would want to stop your pain. Not out of positive feelings towards you. Which is wrong. All the things I'll write and all the things I'll do in the future, you might say i don't love you coz if i would love you I wouldn't dowouldn'tdo and say those things. But please realize, that its not that i don'tdont love you, our love is just very very different. Very much. I read this line when i was around 12 and i rememberedremebered it for all my live "just because a person doesn'tdoesnt love you the way you want, it doesn'tdoesnt mean the person doesn'tdoesnt love you from all the heart". Hear?

Now let me explain. I will explain as much as i can, i will be writingwrting for as long as i can. Coz i think you need and deserve to know and to understand. I cant talk with you. Coz you with your reactions and negative emotions blocking me and i'mim just stuckstucked in myself and in blaming myselfmyslef for everything in this word.

Now I feel, that I'm recovering fast. This month without you saved my life, the factfack that my phone died saved my life!! Coz if it wouldnt just die i wouldn be able to just let you go, and i would again focus all of my on you, not on myslef.

You said that you were hoping that I was thinking about you sometimes, that you was there in small things. Dear, you were everywhere. It wasnt for me easy breazy vacation. I didnt have fun, laught and had sex all days long on a sunny beaches. It was completly different story. Which is my story. JUst mine. I went there to come back to myslef. That what i was doing there all the time. I wasnt about anyone inthe world. Just me for me. I needed to recover from all the hell weve made. And I did. And i might seem for you now cold and heartless. But If i wouldnt we would end up in the same shit.

Im not onlynot gonna be back in those states where i was before i left. I will not even go that direction. Not even one step there. I realized where i was emotionally. And when with a bit clearer head i looked at it, i was shocked and surprised that i got there and survived it.

And no, I wasnt giving you "half" that time, as you said me in the car. I gave you 150%. And the only mistake i made, was that I dave you too much. I was surviving with you in a mode that couldnt least for a long time. Just that time i didnt realized it. I thought Im doing right. I did what i felt that time. I was never actually lyingling to you.

I will repeat you things Ive said many times again for the last time. You were for me special. And you know very well, that I have in my life few more very special people for me. They never went anywhere, even when i was with you. And for the last time - you were on top of all of them, I never gave that much to anyone in my life. That is one of the reason why it dint work. I got into this .. how was it bittersweat tornado, and I focused on you too much and lost myslef.

Thats not how I love, thats not how my free love works. I locked myslef and I died. And i killed you. I had no idea that time it would be like this. But I couldnt not try. I wouldnt forgive myslef.

You would do anything for me. You dont want anything in this life just to be with me. Somehow, anyhow. Just to be. Seems like you would do anything, anything just to keep me at least a bit, at least once a week. Im everything for you, and thats the reason i cant be with you.

For me this is not pure and healthy. The only way I could be in some kind of contact with you, would be if you would have your life and priorities, and i would be somewhereon a second third place. That I would know that I'm not your world. That I'm not the only reason you don't feel pain. Only if you would be able to be happy individual I could be with you by your side. Not as close as i was, obviously.

My goal was never to delete you from my life. But see, for me love is when I'm ok with myself.

Thats what i was trying to say a lot of times, thats why i solve all by myslef. Only with clear head and when we learn to be happy and FULL by ourselfs, we can make someone else happy, we can give, without any side feelings, coz if the person will be gone, there will be still a whole world. It wasnt always easy even for me to let go. But i did, I let go everyone, but thay didnt go anywhere. some people who mattes they stay. And doesnt matter how rare is out communication.

I admire and love when a person has him own life which is more importaint then me. Its terrifying for me, that Im your life, that im everywhere.

I will not allow to be in my life all this pain and tears and sadness and dramma, and all this.

You know what says that red label on my wrist?

Just that red fucking little stuff holded my yesterday from breakdown. Another one. After meeting with you. I wanted to find there, million km away from home something which will remind me all the things i was thinking and realizind there. When I was there just with myslef. Trying to hear me. Realizing what is importaint and how to make my happy again.

I wasnt happy there. I dint find my piece. I didnt get over anything i didnt clear my head. I thought i will in 18 days there, without phone. Without you. I didnt. But when I came back to Prague... It was like all this 18 days something was preparing and all this i got in Prague. I'm not sure how to call it. But now I'm stronger. Now I'm fighting for myself. Yes, I'm selfish. It's time to be selfish. It's the only way how can I protect myslef and be happy.

Sorry, But I will be happy, no matter what. There is not a single person in this word who is more importaint then my happiness. Its like in a plain, you first put mask on yourself, then on others. Same thing.

No matter what you mean for me, I mean for myself more. And just people who understands this and are the same staus by my side. Coz they are the same.

Just in this case I can be really free, and i can give all the freedome to them. All. Now I dont specify. Now i talk about me, and all the others. Teo, Anton, You, my friend all the special people, all the random strangers.

It's a bit scarry to me that I'm not broken now, knowing how bad you feel. But I'm putting all my powers to be happy to focus on positive things and to bring positive in my life. Just positive. Its not that i dant care. Its just when i care i care too much and its killing me , thats all. And its good for nothing and noone.

When I came back... I saw my kid... Fuck.. You have no idea, but i feel so much love to him now. I realized again that all those months before I didnt feel nothing to him. I knew i love him, but didnt feel. Now this feeling is dreeping out of me. Like never before. In those moments i feel how much i did for myself in this month. I realize that i will never allow to come back even close to where i was.

I will be ruthlessly cut off all the negative stuff from my life.

All this months you was in my head, I missed you, I was sad. But then I started to be more me, I wasnt desperate sad, I just missed you in a very warm way. When i was sad, it was still the warm sad. Not the sad which was killing me. Coz Knowing that you are there and you are alive, and you live your life was warm. Would be warm if you would life your life without pain coz im not there.

And yesterday I got a huge drop down to all the terrible emotions which were killing me. From which i was running away. Which I cut off. Which makes me not me.

I was writing you if you cant meet 31 not coz i couldnt wait to get rid of you and keys, but coz I missed you so much. Missed with a smile, and warm feeeling.

I was thinking that i meet you and i felt happy.

Wanna know something? Before we met, I had in my head the idea, that i will pretend that i forgot keys, just to have the occasion to see you again. That time i was happy that you gave me those damn keys. And If your meeting would be as it started, if I would see, that you really changed and you are focusing on building your life and on making yourself happy, i would meet you again, and maybe then in some time again, and maybe ....

But all I saw, was that I mad a huge mistake. As I am, for me is weird to just cut off people form life, block them ect... But thats probably what I needed to do, coz cant let me go.

In this state, even tho you say that you would be happy even if i would be free and we will meet once a week... You will be not. Coz it wouldn't be equal. I would be free, me and happy, doing whatever i want. And you will be living from meeting to meeting pretending that you dont mind how things are just because you can have at least a little piece of me, hoping that I will not want anyone. This is very wrong.

And yes, i read what you wrote. But you said all those things even before, not with this words, and probably not so strong. But it was there many times. And this pain and things are

not changing in few weeks. Even for me is hard sometimes to let go. But for you... considering how you love me. You will never be happy for any of my other connections. Why would you?

My love doesn't tie down, doesn't wrap people, doesn't cover. It's there. It's my shine. It's free. And I want the same. Thats me. And It's not easy. It takes alot. Even for Anton it's hard sometimes, to handle my feelings towards others, my falling in love, easy ones or stronger. But this is what makes me me, what makes me alive. When it's blocked I'm dying. I need to be free and walk around with a smile. Be light, be alive, be positive pure, too feel unlimited quantity towards whoever I want, KNOWING THAT IM NOT HURTING ANYONE BY THIS!! Coz No matter what you think I'm doing here, I was never killing people by this. And all of them, in the end, are way happier. I showed them something, and they saw how things could be. They became more strong and fearless to search and find what they really want and need. They were able to believe that they can be how they want. Who they are. Some of them are in relationships, and we are not talking, maybe 2-3 messages a year. They are practically gone from my life, and I'm gone from theirs. But I didn't go anywhere basically. They just have their lifes. And I will be happy to see anyone anytime, tmw in year or 20. We might meet and realize there is nothing to talk about. Next time we could meet and feel all the warmest things in the world. Its life people coma and go. And there is always times for each person in our lives.

When I once (as you say) said you that I will be always here. I meant this. Coz I dint had in plan to go anywhere. Coz this is what i do. I let go but i dont go anywhere. No matter what stories happened, Im still here for all of the people from my past. Just sometimes when with someone we meet, I feel that there is nothing for this moment.

I could stay here forever. I could If you would be able to build your life without me. Coz thats how it always was with everyone. Thats how i think, feel, am.

Just i lost myself in you, and all those things i pushed away and all i had in my was you, and continue to say and do some stuff on autopilot, even tho it didnt fit to our situation. Coz your situation was so different and unique. I didnt know anything. Therefor made a lot of mistakes.

If I could i would do things differently from the beggining. I cant.

What I can now, Is to be myself. To be happy. I don't see how can I be all of that and have you in my life. Coz you and your love is very different.

When people love they dont leave. No, when people love, they dont hold.

Love is not easy, you have to struggle and sacrifice for love, you have to go through shit for good moment. No, love should be easy, yes, its constant work, but work on yourself at first place, then on the relationship. It can be hard sometimes, but never the struggle.

I'll copy here my Ig post:

"Sacrifice

Once i heard: “True love is full of sacrifices” I was so... so... I couldn’t even say anything to that. I was speechless.I do not remember now what’s anonymous from sacrifice but exactly that is love. In my world love is running away with a mile steps from sacrificing. And when it comes Love is being destroyed. We choose our partners to get stronger to grow bigger to achieve higher. If you sacrifice for the person “because you love” you doing something which you don’t need and that person doesn’t need. Coz in the end no matter how good intention you had, putting yourself into the position of a person who sacrifice something for another, subconsciously you expect the same from the other side. So in the end you are both just unhappy, BUT you could proudly say that you are working your ass off for each other. That’s just so not right. Live is about giving. Things that makes us happy. Giving freedom and support. And you are not afraid to give endlessly coz you know you will not be less. And when you get, you are not afraid to take, coz you know that this person is free too, and she will not obligate you to give bac

k. You give back coz you are free and happy and you are happy to share those capacity. Coz you trust. It’s unconditional. Even if the person walks away. It’s not your choice. This person is not yours. We are all free. And just when person is totally free and he/she comes back to you, this is what matters. I let go coz I want all to be free, coz I know what we had was precious. For both. And he/she knows it too. He/she might go away on his own path, but in some way he/she is still with you. And if it’s not like this then what’s the sense? Love is not about sacrifice! You could call me selfish. But I believe that you could never do anyone happy if you are not truly happy.

I’m full, I’m whole, I’m happy and I can give. And in this kind of “Give” this will not make me less, it will not kill me even if the person doesn’t give back. Just in this state it’s possible to build good relationship. And it’s doesn’t matter if you live together or see each other once a year.

No matter how much i give. If the person go his own way, its ok, coz it’s what he/she needs and wants now. I can't just support and be happy for the person."

All that contains tears and drama is far away from this.

You should be independent and build your happiness and your life. Put all the effort to make yourself truly happy not depend on anyone. Coz your happiness is what is you what is inside you. Not something or someone. In this case all will be killing you again and again. and the more beautiful things will happen the more it will hurt coz you will think that this will be gone and you will suffer again. You cant put yourself in anyone. Coz it will tear you apart. It always did, and it didn't lead to anything good. When you will putt all the effort to yourself you will never lose. Its win win situation. Coz you find real peace and happiness. Coz you will be free. Strong. Not depending on anyone.

Coz, when you are happy and shining, people want to be around coz this atmosphere is beautiful. You should be the reason of your happiness not me, not anything else. You. All the rest will come when you will realize this.

I know you were saying you are ok, and you have peace in you, that you feel again how it is to have you. When I was reading i was happy to read it. But then I saw all this pain again. Pain coz I'm not there. The second part of our meeting just contradicts with all that you wrote. Thats how i fell it.

First time in all those months I'm not affraid to write all. I'm not affraid how you will react on this message. Coz It's just me, I share my thoughts and who I am. Before when i was saying or writing somthing to you, i was stresssed out of my mind. How will you react. Did i say it right? What is the right answer? Coz I was afraid i will make you fell bad or sad or mad. But this all is just who I am. And this month helped me to make few steps back to myself. I still cant talk to you when you look at me like you did. Its just an automatick reaction with which i cant work right now. I'm not that strong yet. But at least I can write you.

I cant be the only reason of your happiness. Its scares me. It's too much pressure. It would scare anyone who is a bit ok in his head. To be the reason why person is not in pain.

If I can wish for something I would wish that I will never mean the whole world for anyone. I don't anyone in this word to have a feeling that that could die for me, that they will do anything for me.

People should do anything for themselves. And when people are together its not coz they depend on each other. I run from it. Its scary and wrong and against all that I believe in.

In a fact, basically, I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't go. But I understand that you really need to cut me off your life completely, coz there is no other way. I wouldn't want it. You said me many times with all the pain of this world "stay or just go" And your "go" means disappear from my life. And your stay means all the things i will never be able to give you. Coz how we was togather wasnt right. There wasnt space even for myself, im not talking about

Teo Anton Nastya, and all the other people, and all the new people. I became more like you. Giving all me to another person. You was my world. My whole world. And nothing else mattered. And look where did it lead us...

But this is what you want. Im sorry but i really cant believe that for you will be ok me meeting other people (and doesnt matter what i do wth them) and meeting you once a week. I dont belive that this will make you happy. Ever. And i know that being without me is even worse. But like this after some time you will get over it. It will take time. How long is on you. You can choose to feel better. You can choose to work your ass of to overcome this. And then you will be free and way happier. Not depending on anyone. This is freedome. To not be depended emotionally on anyone. That thing that you said about pet love. Scared me to death... This is just so wrong and fucked up. And if you will not learnt to cut this off your life, you will never be happy. Coz you are full human being, not a helpless animal. You are beautifull and strong personality.

You would be happy to see me with someone else just when you will let me go. Not get over me. Im not gonna be over you ever. "There will be no getting over you". But I let you go. And you can't. And with all the feelings you have i have no idea how could you. All your feeling are very strong and very beautifull, but they are not free.

I hate to bring you so much pain. But the worst is the fack on its own THAT IM ABLE TO BRING YOU SO MUCH PAIN. When I came back to myself i feel that i'm stronger again and I'm again slowly but getting back where I was. Noone can hurt me unless i will alow it. Coz It's just on me, not on someone else. (except when someone will just put a bullet in me, there i cant do much) But the emotional state is something we can and should control.

It might seem that Im saying that I will be just with happy person in happy moments coz its easy. That would make me not so great) But You should know that im not like this I'm far from this.

Its not about that. Its about presets and settings in your head. Of course, there could be harsh times for everyone, and I dont remember myself letting someone down when i knew i could help somehow. Or just to talk to a person, give some advice. Or be there. I can be support. But never a whole reason for feeling ok or happy.

People who are around me, I want to have a desire to reach them. To be inspired by them, and to inspire them back. I wan't to look at them and feel that they are hustling in their life for their happinness and when they need a little support to kick their ass in the direction of making theyir life happy. And be somewhere next. No matter how close of far.

One of the most important people for me, I see this person once a year. Doesn't make it worst. And no, I cant say that i relay on this person 100% and that no matter when i call i know i will get help there. NO. Its not about this. I don't feel this to anyone. Coz i respect all the lifes. I can never just relay on anyone, coz this person could have his own stuff to solve and deal right now. The only one i can relay is me. And of course i know there are people who will support me. But its not like they are obligated. And if they will not, i will understand why not.

Actually I feel now so much purity and energy, I wish I could somehow share it with you, and help you to become a happy person, but I'm exactly not the person who should to it. Coz it's like a drug. And to overcome it and be happy you should get rid of drugs - me) And I feel that untill I'm in your life you wont be able to do it. And I know you said that I'm not addition.

But i dont know how else to call it.

After many month, I feel the power and desire to work on myself. For the better future. To think and plan future and put afford to it. To slowly get rid of all bad habbits and bad influences. To make all i can to make myslef happy. To clear my mind to be in perfect balance with my disasters inside)

All that i have in my head is "SORRY, BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY"

I kno

w that all that is inside of us creating all our life, that is why i don't want any negative anymore, coz it affects our body, our life, the things around. Its all so much connected that its unbelievable.

And I don't want to be for someone just "saver from pain". I want to be an addition. I want to make whole happy lives even happier. That's the only way when i can give and not be afraid that person will get addicted on my or on what i give. I just make it a bit better. Add something extra to already something beautiful. This is pure and not harmful for me.

I have no idea how will be my life now, how and with who will be my future. But I know I will be happy. I decided to be happy. No matter what. No matter how hard is it. No matter how hard is no say "no", and make some decisions. I'm sorry, but i want to be happy. Happy in who I am and how I am, and next to me will stay just people who can also trully TRULLY be happy for who I am and what I am. For who my decisions will be not harmfull.

I really dont fully get it... I thought after yesterday I will be broken again as i was allways. I thought all this 3 weeks of hard work to bring myslef back was just gone by few hours with you. But I fell ok. I cant understand how the hell can i be ok, knowing that you are suffering. But I stopped taking on myslef responsibility of someones happiness. I cant make anyone happy. I can make happy myself. The only person in the world who goes over this rules is Teo.

All the rest... no ,not Anton, not even my parents. No one happiness is my responsibility. I'm sorry if you think that Im cruel and cold by saying this. But this is who I am and what I believe in. And always was. I just lost myself for a while.

And a big part of this is Teo. I know that i can give him endless love just when im like this. When I'm happy. Not coz something or someone. Not coz somethins is happening or not. I dont want not to run away and just to be with mysleft coz i dont know where and how to put somewhere all my feelings tat are tearing me apart. I want to come back to him, and give him all of me, all of my love. Coz Im finally stong and have capacity for giving him all this. To be there for him with my mind not just dead body. And this worth it all. And just in this state i can give not only to Teo, but to everyone. I'm learning again to feel, seems like learning to walk from the scratch again. But as im learning to feel, I'm learning to be happy and to feel feeling for all, bright, true, pure feelings.

Im sorry, but i chose to be happy. This is me. And i would not block you in insta. If what I have there will hurt you, please dont follow me. I respect you, and will not chase you or be a ghost. I will not. I will be just me, I will be happy. And I want you to know that I will be happy to see you again. Coz my feeling... I know it seems that thay changed a lot. But in the fact they didnt. They just got into the form that is not harmful for me. Unfortunately its harmful for you.

And I dont want to be a reason of pain as much as i don't want to be a reason of happiness for you.

I might be wrong. But if things would really really change, yesterday meeting wouldnt look like that in the end.

Im sorry, I choosed to be happy. And yes, I will welcome with warm hug anyone who will come with warm and positive and pure feelings to me, who will want to make me even happier, not expecting anything back.

Selfish? yes, alot, a guess. But this is the only way how i can recover and give back my pure and huge shiny energy i had inside. I was shining all over the place. I lost it. And i will not lose it again.

I know there will be hard times, sometimes. But I will fight them all. And I will be able to make other happy and give just with this attitude.

I'm not cruel. I'm not a cunt. Im pure and kind. And finally I started to belive in it again. You, you made me belive in opposite many times. And its hard to go back. And I'm not blaming you, it was just my perception of your words and actions and what i allowed to happen. I dodnt get when and how i tottaly lost myse

lf.

I dont want anymore be sad and reflect every sad song i hear. I dont want any more stress and dramma in my life, I dont want to freeze on the street, i dont want to go to sleep later then 22, I dont want to be lost, i dont want to be tired, depressed, melancholic... I want to move forward. I want work my ass of for a better life, for better wellbeing, for better body, better mind, I want to work, i want to feel, I want avoind alohol, cigarettes, bad habits. I want to avaod anything which is not moving me with every step to better life not now but in the furute. in 1 year, 5 years. I want to go there, I see bright and wonderfull future, I dont know with who or how. But i know i can. anyone can. And every day I will make a small step to a happier furute. And I want people like this around me.

I will always welcome people like this in my life.

Yes, It's easier just to lie down under the blanket and be sad and cry over all sad things in life then fight for own hapiness, takes a lot of energy, but it will bring way more effort in the future.

I didnt get over shit) And balive me, this all is not easy for me. But I understand how valeable this is. And for this understanding im greatfull, coz it's the most powerfull triger. To realize and understand what for you do stuff, what the thigs you do today will bring you in the future. What can you make to feel at least a bit better. Small things, step by step, but in right direction. Coz you know where it will eventually lead you one day.

I dont want to be blamed, i dont want to feel guilt, i dont want to make fuckups, i dont want to make bad decisions. I want to be happy. Not coz of something, but coz of me. Then Im endless treasure with light. for everyone. Yeah, thats my shine.

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours.

I dont wanna be your shine. I want you to find yours. In you.

As I did.

I dont think that you will fully understand me, as you think i dont listen dont read and dont understand you. But maybe this will make the whole stuff at least a bit more clear for you. And for me. I wrote this more for myslef. To remeber al this. To read it again and coma back to this state when needed.

To never forget what the red line in my body means. BEYOU.

those are not just words. Those two words doesnt mean much untill you dont put meaning in it. And i Put the whole universe to it. This red mark on my body is my ticket to bright happy future. I dont know with who. But I know for sure it will be wonderfull!

I want to beback to all my sided to the purest person and kindest, to the slutty slut, to shy girl, to honest happy kid, to silly creature, to crazy weirdo, to depressed darkness JUST WITH MYSELF AND FOR ONE EVENING, to a stunning lady, for caring for not caring sometimes, to fale sometimes in a way that it doesnt actually matter alot, to free to feel and do whatever i want. But with thinking about consequences. Thinking subconciously just as i used to.

Yes, I will do mistakes, coz I'm not on an easy path. But i will do all i can not to forget and lose myslef again. No matter what!!

I never wanted to cut off you out of my life, I wanted to cut out all the negative stuff. And I dont want to fight with you or for you or for anyone else, i dont want to struggle i dont want to suffer. I will not put myself or my energy for saving anything! I will be happy and i will be myself and i will emit warmness and shine as I used to. Thats how it always could work. Thats the only way it could. When troubles come to relationships people should start to work on themselfs and if those are the right people it will bring them closer to each other. When we were in shit with A i never fighted for him or for us. We both started

to work on ourselfs with psychotherapist and by ourselfs too, this brought us back to the right path. Thats the only way I will always do it. I was never fighting for anyone. The only person I was fighting for was you. And it killed me it killed you. wrongwrongwrong! I learned. I did. If you think im cold and selfish. OK. You have all the right, i guess. But i look back and analyze all my life how i was how i am who i am how it worked what i did, and this is what i see. This is my truth. This is me.

This is me to who Im coming back through everything and everyone who will come on the way. To shine again. To feel this endless energy in me. To be so alive that it contagious for all the people around!!

Im not going away from this road, no matter what and noone will stop me.

I’m sorry, but i choose to be happy.

__________

all this text is on my wrist, all this text marked me with a red line and comes from it. This all I put to the two primitive words BE YOU and two one red line.

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