#and ik i always say i hate kids usually (from my own real life point of view and the ones around me) but in THIS situation its different of | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thisdreamplace · 3 years ago

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hi, my brother's being a huge dreadful person. clearly judging me for somthn he doesn't know the whole story of, consequently treating me like im the most repulsive person,, his words,, nd has serious judging problems with everyone,, that im SICK of. Worse is hes one of ThOsE pppl who think they're always right and super suuuuper self-entitld. it's exhausting. one of my parents is out of picture which is for the best he wasn't emotionaly there for any of us anyway. and the other never ever takes my side or even calls my brother out on his horriblenes and pettiness. have u ever met someone like that? u know those pppl who'll youll endure wayyy too much shit from, coz u dont wanna stoop to their lvl but they'll provoke u nd then use that one occasion to gaslight and paint u out to be the monster HAHAHA what a JOKE!

its already taken me months to admit this. I thought i was overthinking but yesterday i got real evidence that i had to admit spoke volumes abt how they (wonder duo lmao) view me

I tried to change myself i pretended things weren't as bad or that it wasn't real nd I took some steps despite my pride to be amiable with them... its unbearable. i feel so bad. I don't have any friends i can discuss this personal thing with. i wish i realy didn't exist. Thats how theyre already treating me right? im tryjny to see things frkm their view nd the only conclusion is if i acted like this with someone, itd be because i either want to put them down as i hate them because of my own insecurities that maybe im not aware of, or because im not emotionaly mature nd think what I'm doing is 'not thaaat bad they deserve worse so im being easy on them anyway'

ive always had diff points of views from them. Hugely diff. So yes maybe most of my opinions dont align with their beliefs. idk what to do? im doing my best not to give jn, to accept my emotions nd to sooth myself its tough but i owe it to myself but idk my heart breaks when i confront them or mention lightly abt their ugly treatment they act like "yeah? So? Whats ur problem, you deserve it!" and what if theyre right? the thing is idk if its related? but a few momths back i started getting flashbacks of my past in school when i got similar sometimes subtle-but-noticable 'treatment' from a few. it was a short period of time nd like i said it wasn't until it was over thay i realised it was kinda them punishing me for what i did to them? haha. what i did, as i found out, was being myself nd having acomplished stuff they didn't?! so petty jealousy over smth not in my control. Wth is wrong with ppl? Please tell me why ppl act like this as children, but then why still as adults? nd when these randkm memories pop up, is it coz im feeling smth bad? Or subconsiously thinking of smth bad? or is it my mind trying to tell me smth?

As for my mother, i feel like she knows whats shes doing, i told her many years ago how i was struggling with certain issues but she never outright helped me, basiclly pretended i never confided in her... Like no wonder i got trust issues hahah. Ik shes not dumb, but if she wanted to put her foot down she wouldve. idk how to tell u its hard for me to find reasons to live they're all external anyway. once I came across an article which said that parents do have faves and its usually the kid who usualy resembles THEM more. so that gave me strength knowing i have enuff mind sense to know what can hurt ppl whether they mention it or not. for instanc please help me here, my mother is the sort who talks like: "since that person isnt saying anything, it means they're unbothered by things. Everything's perfect in their life!" "If ur smiling, ur happy! U can't smjle nd be sad. U have smth (mother wants), then u hav no right to complain!" This is victim right? Imagine growing up listening to things like this? And because of this I had a habit of mind-reading ppl in which I expected them to know what i thought, but turns out what I 'read' on their minds was usually not good at all lol. It was victim! Im over that now. Ive become a bit... sensitive after events nd dealing with them alone. i never realised until a few years ago that not all adults are emotionaly mature. Its not their fault maybe their parents didn't teach them either. But it makes me so so SO ANGRY that i never even knew whats normal to me is actually so so unhealthy and not normal? has this hapened to u? As for being in her favor, I no longer WANT to be her 'fave' if that means conditional love nd being an ugly human inside together. U see when its stuff I do or dont do i swear she's after my hide, yelling and screaming. she has had only criticism for my choices in life only because they don't align with what SHE would do, despite our differences. why does it hurt when u think of someone whos supposedly someone who loves u more than anything? is this love? maybe its love nd I don't see it? yesterday i broke down in my room when i admitted this isn't normal. i can't live like this. Its not good. It brings me no relief to think even if i die they'll blame me for it, for not 'ConFiDiNg' in them! What if its me being crazy? and theyre right? besides i think my mothers secretly scared of my brother BY DA WAY HES A YEAR YOUNGER because he judges hard nd can accuse u confidently of shit after all he's had so much practice, nd hes more independent coz he can drive coz he sevretly prepared for nd got his license before i got mine nd back then we only had one car so he used it for uni coz his was 'farther' away than mine nd would come home super late so there was no chance for me to practice. By da way my mother blames me for that one too. Says i should've 'known' he was getting his license nd I wasn't 'serious' abt it.... Right, I was supposed to know he'd go behind my back? 😶

it's been like this and together theyre all chummy nd pretend they're not doing anything 'wronf' but they r. they're both more alike than they'd admit, nd not in good ways. we can't choose our families but I wish we could choose whether we wanna live in this world or not. lets say i change nd yes they reflect that sure that's nice but u know what? im so hurt by them nd ik theyll never ever know the extent to which ive been hurt. why should i dump this under the rug using the assumption law? later when i'll be okay and have my own life without depending on them they'll come to me nd pretend it never happened or if i mention how they treated me ik i just know they'll say things like: "oh it was for ur own good!"

like thisdreamplac i dont want to revise it like it never hapened nd honestly idk if i want their apology even! if ur hurt by someone's behavior, it means u care abt them! Whether its friends or family, so it means im caring for them. despite this i dont hate them enough to cause them hurt or pain back. why? Coz ik too well how it feels. the more this life feels like dreaming, the harder i feel things, more the pain more the fears

😶

hey :)

firstly, i'm sorry that's all happening to you. it's definitely heavy and not easy to deal with, when your pain runs deep and you're reminded of it all the time. it's surely not easy.

i hope that one day you decide to give yourself the freedom you deserve. hopefully one day you realize a life full of misery isn't worth it, and you change within for the better. not for anyone else, but for you. we are allowed to be happy, and we don't have to keep using others as an excuse for why we can't be. but that's a choice we must make on our own.

at the end of the day, whether you want to apply the law or not, you're still the one deeply carrying these burdens. not your family, but you. so you have to decide that you deserve to be free from the burdens, for yourself, because you deserve that lightness. it's not about who is right and who is wrong, but it's about you and taking responsibility for a beautiful tomorrow that doesn't rely on someone else.

i wish i could console you better, but i wouldn't tell you do something that i wouldn't follow myself. but anyway, i hope you do find yourself feeling better 💖

#eiypo

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mrninjapineapple · 7 years ago

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Fallout 4 Word Prompts - Toddy Leviathan Saloon Juniper

Here’s another 4 word prompt I did a while back. It’s a bit longer than the last one but I hope you all enjoy! :)

The Last Plank was full to bursting, every chair and table packed with people, all craning their necks to get a good look at Marcus and the Mariner. They were sat at the bar, blankets around both of their shoulders as their teeth chattered noisily in the silence.

Mitch placed two glasses of brown liquid on the counter before them, a thick layer of purple skim floating atop both.

Despite his obvious need for warmth, caution tempered Marcus’ reply as he picked up the strange brew and gave a cursory sniff.

‘What’s in this?’ he asked.

‘That’s an old family recipe,’ said Mitch proudly, nodding at the viscous liquid. ‘Whiskey, hot water, and tarberry syrup, all garnished with a couple mutfruit slices.’

The noxious potion bubbled in response.

‘Well,’ Marcus thought to himself as he eyed the glass. ‘It sounds almost like a hot toddy. Just with dirty water, weird irradiated fruit, and no honey…’

He mentally prayed to every God he knew – even mentioning Atom for good measure – before downing the entire concoction in one big gulp. His eyes began streaming as he felt the fire make its way down, his throat feeling as if he had swallowed hot shards of glass.

‘Smooth’ he managed, whispering hoarsely through gritted teeth.

As the feeling subsided, he became aware of the eyes upon him and turned to the Mariner.

‘I suppose you all want to know how it happened, then?’ he asked the room, sending a murmur through the gathered crowd. ‘How we killed the Red Death…’

Looking deep into his glass, he heard the chattering from the Harborfolk around him.

‘What happened?’

‘What was it?’

‘How big was it?’

As he sighed, about to begin his tale, the Mariner put her hand on his. She imperceptibly shook her head; a slight motion which only he saw.

‘I’ll tell you all what happened,’ she said, her expression grim. ‘What really happened…’

All eyes turned to her as the voices grew silent, the creaking wood and sloshing waves loud against the quiet.

‘We took the boat out slowly,’ she began, her tone as morose as her expression. ‘Avoiding the rocks and sunken ships, we came upon the island and saw the red light. When we finally moored the ship and got onto the island though-‘

‘We had no idea what we would actually be facing!’ Marcus interrupted, rising from his seat, all eyes shifting to him. ‘It crawled out of its cave with a great howl of rage, shaking the whole island! We saw its legs first, then its body, and finally the giant head of the great leviathan wormed its way from its burrow and we realised we were staring up at… the Red Death!’

The Mariner rolled her eyes at the melodramatic performance, but Marcus had the crowd enthralled with his story.

Continuing, he told them how the stalwart pair fended off the beast, at one point the Mariner holding it off with nothing but a broken oar whilst he danced and waved to get the creatures attention. His tale grew wilder as he went on, from utilising junk as weapons to a horde of super mutant pirates entering the fray, much to the crowd’s constant amusement.

They also played their part to perfection, their gasps and yelps punctuating the fantastic tale at just the right moments.

Marcus finished with the final breath of life of the Red Death, as it flailed wildly, broken oar handles piercing its hide and riddled with enough bullet holes to make a super mutant look away in disgust. His audience jumped to their feet, cheering triumphantly as they knocked their glasses together, laughing at their vicarious victory.

The Mariner turned to him as the crowd shouted and applauded, her narrow eyes contradicting her small grin.

‘What can I say?’ Marcus shrugged. ‘The people wanted a real story.’

‘Real?’ the Mariner laughed. ‘Like how I “fought valiantly against the foul creature, using only my wits and a rubber duck taped to the end of an oar to stay alive”?’

They both shared a real drink, laughing together as the crowd died down and dispersed.

After a few moments, they noticed that someone was behind them and turned to see that Small Bertha had joined them, hands on her hips as she gave Marcus an incredulous look.

‘Did any of that story actually happen?’ she asked, a little too loud for Marcus’ liking as a few other patrons glanced over to listen in.

He drew in close.

‘Look, Bertha, I’m going to level with you,’ he said quietly, the general bar chatter ensuring his privacy regardless. ‘We told everyone what they wanted to hear… what they needed to hear. You understand that, right?’

She eyed him for a moment before replying.

‘Of course I understand,’ she answered, nodding slowly as if realising a great truth. ‘Got any more stories?’

‘More stories?’ he said, sitting back on his stool. ‘Everything has a story to it, you just have to ask the right questions. What do you want to know?’

Her eyes went straight to the western revolver on his hip and he knew that she had approached only to learn more about it.

‘This?’ he asked, unholstering the weapon and twirling it around his finger expertly, revelling in Bertha’s awed expression.

‘Oh brother…’

The Mariner seemed less impressed.

Marcus asked the girl if she wanted to hear about how he got the revolver and chuckled at her energetic nodding as she took a stool beside him.

‘Well, it all started in Dry Rock Gulch, far away from here, in a place called Nuka-World…’

Marcus sipped the ice-cold bottle of refreshing Nuka Cola Wild as he sat in Doc Phospate’s Saloon. He raised an eyebrow at the familiar taste of the brew as it reminded him of Sunset Sarsaparilla, a popular beverage from his pre-war days, nodding in appreciation of the spicy aftertaste.

As he enjoyed a pleasant conversation with Mackenzie Bridgeman, the saloon doors swung open, the wooden clattering alerting the patrons as they all turned to face the newcomer.

Deputy Codsworth hovered in, a gun-belt tied clumsily above his thruster and a cowboy hat atop his head. A small star-shaped badge had been welded onto his front and he seemed to hold himself with more pride than usual.

‘Good aftern- I mean, howdy, sir!’ he said, his western accent quickly becoming one of the few wonders of the post-war world. ‘I’ve been runnin’ for a mighty long time to find you. Word is, there’s a no-good, yella belly just waiting to test your skill out by the ol’ livery.’

‘Buddy… I think you’ve short-circuited’ said Marcus blankly, prompting a laugh from Mackenzie.

The Mr Handy unit hovered closer and lowered himself until his eyestalk was at the same level as Marcus’ face.

‘Sir,’ he whispered. ‘That’s just my Southern accent. It’s really me… Codsworth! Sorry for the deception but I believe I’m rather taken with this whole dramatic persuasion. It’s really rather fun!’

Marcus sighed.

‘I know tha-’ he began, before pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘What did you want to tell me?’

‘Well,’ Codsworth replied, tipping his hat and speaking at a normal volume once again. ‘Some outlaw callin’ himself One-Eyed Ike has challenged you to a duel… sir.’

‘My my, Overboss,’ chimed Mackenzie from the stool beside him. ‘Looks like its pistols at dawn.’

Marcus sighed again.

‘Fine, let’s get this over with…’

They left the saloon, two on foot, one hovering in mid-air, and headed down the dusty road. As they reached the middle, a protectron slowly began to saunter out of a large wooden building to meet them.

‘There he is,’ said Codsworth, his Southern drawl still going strong. ‘Ol’ One-Eyed Ike himself! No good, yella belly varmint!’

The protectron walked into the middle of the street as they stopped, eyeing him with suspicion.

‘Howdy partner… took your time… heh heh heh,’ droned One-Eyed Ike, his mechanical voice grating. ‘You ready to… test your shootin’ skills?’

‘Sure, but can we hurry this along, I really-‘

Codsworth turned to Marcus.

‘Sir, you must indulge in the drama. I fear One-Eyed Ike will never become a deputy again at this rate,’ he said, his eyestalk zooming in on Marcus’ confused expression. ‘Allow me to explain. Sheriff Hawk felt that Dry Rock Gulch could use some drama to drum up business again, and had a cracking idea. He conferred Ike’s deputy status to me and made him an outlaw, only offering him his former position if he is able to defeat a genuine gunslinger in a duel.’

‘…And he chose me?’ Marcus said, sighing for the third and, he hoped, final time that day. He cleared his throat and remembered the time he had pretended to be the Silver Shroud, fighting crime across the Commonwealth with his sidekick, the intrepid reporter from the Great Green Jewel.

She always hated being called a sidekick.

He felt a pang of worry as he thought of her venturing around with Nick and Curie, chasing another story, but he cleared his mind and focused on the ridiculous task at hand.

‘One-Eyed Ike, I presume? They call me Mar- I mean… Butch… Butch Cassidy, and this here’s the Sundance Kid,’ he said, pointing his thumb at Codsworth. ‘Heard you been lookin’ for me?’

‘I see that iron on your hip… Butch… We draw on three… May the better man win.’

‘Oh… I intend to.’

Mackenzie and Codsworth moved to the side of the street as bystanders followed suit, everyone peering from windows and doorways, eagerly anticipating the action.

‘Knock ‘em dead, Butch’ shouted Codsworth before slipping back into the shadows beside Mackenzie.

The street grew silent.

The wind whistled through the dusty street, sending a tumbleweed rolling towards the saloon. From his position at the side of the road, Codsworth began playing a sampling of music from the Dry Rock Gulch archives, which Marcus recognised from pre-war radio spaghetti westerns.

The music continued as the pair eyed each other, Marcus’ steely gaze meeting the focused camera lens of One-Eyed Ike. As the song began to swell, Marcus unbuckled the holster to his 10mm pistol and time seemed to slow.

He watched as One-Eyed Ike drew his own revolver, as he raised his own weapon. He had the pistol aimed at Ike’s chest… but the handle slipped slightly from his grip.

As he fumbled with his pistol, he heard a shot and felt the blank round strike his shoulder.

‘Looks like I won… partner… Too bad… Now, I gotta go see the Sheriff… See you around… Butch.’

With that, One-Eyed Ike trundled away and the bystanders began to return to their normal activity. Codsworth and Mackenzie sidled up to Marcus.

‘Bad luck Butch, we’ll get that varmint some other time’ said Codsworth, before hovering close. ‘Sir, don’t forget… It’s only me, Codsworth. I’m not really the Sundance Kid.’

Mackenzie chuckled and Marcus holstered his pistol, the trio retreating into the saloon. As they entered, Deacon approached, holding out a bottle to Marcus.

‘Here,’ he said. ‘I saw what you did for Ike out there. I’ve seen you take out everything from radroaches to behemoths and you’ve never messed up a shot.’

Marcus took the bottle with a shrug, feigning ignorance. In reality, he was thankful that nobody realised that his pistol had jammed. He made a mental note to repair the battered weapon as soon as he was able.

‘Fine,’ Deacon continued, grinning. ‘But you should know by now, nobody can’t get anything past me.’

‘Really?’ asked Mackenzie, a smile growing on her face. ‘Not even me?’

Deacon’s cheeks grew hot, a crimson stain spreading across.

‘Well… obviously I… y’know…’

As Deacon floundered, Marcus examined the cold bottle of glowing, deep purple liquid. It had no markings or label but had a strangely familiar aroma as he drew it up to his nose to smell.

‘What is this?’ he asked, interrupting the awkward exchange between the couple.

‘Oh, right,’ said Deacon, thankful for the intervention. ‘That is a genuine bottle of Nuka-Gin. Only one of its kind. Apparently, Bradberton was some kind of genius with these things. Made a ton of products that never made it to the shelves.’

‘Hey Butch, I think that-’ Codsworth faltered at a stern look from Marcus. ‘Sorry, sir. It’s becoming something of a habit. I shall purge my addiction chip later. What I was trying to tell you was that Miss Sierra would want to have a look at that, I’d wager.’

Marcus eyed the Nuka-Gin, remembering the last time he had tasted genuine gin. It was back in his army days, just before his retirement. He could still remember the distinctive taste of juniper berries melded with the myriad spices added during distillation.

‘I’m sure she won’t mind if I just took a sip’ he said with a small smile.

He put the bottle to his lips, savouring the feeling of the cool liquid as it ran down his throat.

He instantly regretted his decision.

The acrid tang of burnt metal assailed his nostrils as the noxious concoction burned his tongue. He spat the drink onto the floor and stayed there, doubled over with his hands on his knees, until the retching had subsided.

‘So… you liked it?’ quipped Deacon as Marcus regained his composure. ‘Look, at least we know why Bradberton kept it off the shelves now. Silver linings.’

Marcus gave Deacon a cold stare.

‘That. Tasted. Like. Sh-’

Gunfire from outside the saloon interrupted him.

Moving to the window, he could see a group of raiders at the far end of the street, firing wildly into the air as they approached.

‘Stay here’ he said as he walked out, leaving his companions behind.

The street once again empty of bystanders, he found himself facing a small group of raiders. There were six in total, all of them in matching cowboy outfits save one, who wore a darker set, bulky with extra armour beneath.

‘You the one who cleared those lily-livered pinheads outta Nuka World, boy?’ asked the lead raider.

Marcus merely nodded, acutely aware that the group’s attention was focused solely on him.

‘Then you’s the one who’s been sayin’ Dry Rock Gulch is yours,’ continued the raider. ‘See, this here gulch is mine. Name’s Mad Mulligan, and you in my house, boy. So, I think s��only fair that you… compensate me before you leave.’

His eyes flicked to the exposed stock of Reason, still strapped to Marcus’ back. He drew the revolver from his hip and gestured to the rifle.

‘That’s a mighty fine weapon you got there. Now, I’m a reasonable man… so how’s about you throw it over to me or I take it from your cold, dead hands?’

Marcus unstrapped Reason, feeling the familiar weight in his hands. He noted the positions of the raiders, what weapons they had, any cover they could utilise, and any exits they could run to, all in a fraction of a second.

‘This old thing?’ he asked, holding up Reason. ‘No, I have an offer for you… Mad Mulligan. I like the look of that revolver of yours. How about you give it to me and you can leave… just walk away with your pals there? Or… I can take it from you?’

Mad Mulligan and his crew began to laugh, confident in their numbers.

‘You must be one duck short of a shooting range, boy! I’m gonna enjoy taking that gun!’

Marcus smiled as he flicked the safety off his rifle.

‘I’d like to see you try…’

‘No way you said that!’ exclaimed the Mariner, who had poked holes in Marcus,’ logic throughout the tale. ‘That’s something you think of afterwards and shoehorn into a story.’

Marcus began to protest but Bertha caught his attention.

‘What happened next? Did you kill Mad Mulligan? And his men? Is that how you got his gun? Why did you try ancient Nuka-Cola?’

All valid questions.

Marcus laughed, easing back on his stool as he drained the remnants of his beer.

‘Well, kid… they all saw Reason in the end.’

#my writing #writing prompt #my oc #marcus #fallout 4 #MNP fallout 4 word prompts #MNP OC Marcus

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years ago

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Life these days!

Hmph :) So i have never..no let me write that in caps! So i have NEEEEVEEERRRRRRR (aha👌) felt this before. Like no, no its not cause i dont have a good vocabulary or something or like im not good with words or something, i mean those are not the reasons. But but i REALLY REALLY find it impossible to describe -IN WORDS- how much I feel for him. Like you know how somethings bugging you..Oh well everything bugs me.. And i DIEEE to tell him..But i cant🙃 So idk I just talk to myself maybe or like atleasr i have words i can use. But like those stuff are wordless. He means so much to mee.. And God!!!!!!! You have no idea how restless you feel when you have to keep such strong feelings suppressed within you! So normally I had some stuff to do. Like arranging my room, my clothes, my shoes, my stuff n all and i thought ill do them towards the end of vacation or in other words after my bro leaves which is like in 10 days but then i already feel like vacations ending. Now i dont mean that in a 'dramatic' way like you know, how your whole life every vaaction when its ending theres this sadness or happiness, well that depends. But like i mean there is some emotion you have towarss it and its like a "thing" like OH noo or oh yaaaayyy *dramatic* vacs almost over!!!!! Bleh -- yeah that ^ isnt there anymore. Cause like now im more of living life one day at a time. Like sure as hell i have plans/ dreams for future but when im 'living' a day at a time and you know that saying about how lifes a 'journey not a destination' - well ive been hearing it SO much since i was a kid. As in its such a mainstream quote that i just took it as something cheap and tacky w/o ever even realizing what it wants to say. I mean ok i do understand ehat it means but only now i can realize the 'depth' of it after experiencing life a bit. I think it means to say that life is ongoing, it will forever be until ofcourse we pass away. But like, then 'passing away' is the end point aka destination BUT nothing else before that is. So since passing away is certain we can ignore it and say that theres no 'destinatiom' in life. What we usually mistaken as destination are our 'dreams/ goals’ in life. But no, they are not destinations or end points. They are your targets. You want them, and yes you will adjust your life in order to focus and head towards your targets and youll be fighting for it and eventually you will reach it one day but. Your life will not end there. It does not end there. You keep living. New problems may come up. New targets will arise. So you see? Life is ongoing. May be these days youre living life but its not anywhere close to your dreams/ goals but BUTTTTT your life right now is also AS REAL as the life youre always picturing in your head. IT. IS. AS. REAL! so yeah life is ongoing. Its vacation now but yeah it wont be anymore and its not just the fact that it wont be vacation anymore but to add to that itll be SUPER hectic but yeah thats life and then before you know it therell be a vacation and then itll end and blaablaa. Life goes on!!!!! And you need to be okay with it and face anything that comes in your way with an open heart! I said face it. Means sometimes you need to accept, sometimes fight, sometimes struggle, sometimes cherish. Aha soooo ok lets get back to what i was sayin :3 Yeah so i mean its almost a month left, and for me i kind of feel like vac almost ending and i just dont really want to keep sruffs like cleaning and organisjng for the week before uni will start. So i did it this week. Also i kind of eat now. Like 'listen to my heartc typa eat. Like not apples and almonds and tea all day! So i also need to work out and so i decided this week i was going to focus on arranging my room, washing my scarves and all and my shoes and stuff and working out and eating and chilling. So well im not really done with it but its going ok. Also the reason i feel like vacation's almost over is because i finally came to know which 'rotation' i am going to start with in 4th year! So its like normally in 4th year there are 4 rotations. Surgery, Pediatrics, Internal Medicine and OB Gyne. So the females get the first 2 rotations that i mentioned above in semester 1 and the males get the last two. And in semester 2 females get last two and vice versa! Now within females/ males - you divide into 2 large groups. So 2 female groups - one starts semester 1 with surgery the other starts with peds. And similarly for males. So the whole batch is divided into 4 larges groups and at any time of the year all the 4 rotations are going on with different groups. Now lets talk about any ¼ group. So in that one group, theres roughly around 50 girls for example & they will start with lets say ‘surgery’. So now among those 50 girls, theyll need to make smaller groups of 5 members each so like 10 small groups of surgery. And now this 5 girls will be together for the whole rotation in the hospital. They go to see patients together. They meet the doctor together and everything. Only once a week there is ‘academic day’ on any specific day depending on your rotation and on that day all the 50 girls will have class at uni and like its a long day usually till 5 with many lectures by doctors. Aha so to summarize, that's how it all works! Now the thing is. People have preference. Like which rotation do you want to start with? Surgery or Peds? Haha Also, the thing is you dont get to decide! You just randomly form two big groups of equal number of girls and then they will assign a rotation randomly! But then people have preferences! Like some wants to start with surgery & some with peds. Now both has advantages & disadvantages! Surgery - ok this is hard! Its a fact, not my opinion! And it doesnt just end there! The doctors who teach surgery well let me rephrase..The “surgeons”! Well they're “surgeons” so they kind of expect you to know how everything works in the hospital right from Day 1 & they are less friendly, they teach less and expect you to know more! But if surgery is your 1st block how will you possibly know how things go in the hospital! So yeah you need to be alert always! Ok but the good side to starting with surgery is that since youre starting with it right after vacation youre all energetic and motivated and all and you can give it the attention and energy it really demands! But with time you seriously feel less motivated and its harder to study for uni! Well that is no excuse to slack off but then yeah in order to not slack off you need to work harder and harder! So thats the thing! Surgery is just easier to handle if started first but then the surgeons are the problem! Now peds. So yeah the things goods & bads of peds is the opposite of surgery! The doctors are extremely friendly and they teach but but peds is boring. Infact i personally hate peds and obgyne! So yeah! Now at first i wished i start with surgery but then with time I wanted peds. Cause like I really want to work hard for each and every block and so the timing of the rotation shouldnt matter! Whenever whatever comes, i have to face it and ace it! Simple as that. So if i start with peds I will also be able to start with friendly doctors and will have enough time to get to know how things work in the hospital rather than having surgeons who expect you to know everything on day 1! BUT BUT thats just my preference which switch from surgery to peds and anyways final say is not in my hands AND TO ADD TO THAT, more than what i preferred, i honestly left it more to Allah to give me whatever He thought was best for me. So like id say peds sounds good, but then I wouldnt like baaaaaadly want it and all like id be fine with either because im praying to Him to take care of it and help me through the entire path! Aha. So I got surgery! And i didnt feel bad even for a second. I mean. Oh surgery? Ok yeah cmon show me what you got!!!!!! :3 haha So yeah cause like now ik ill be starting eith surgery and then later peds. And like i mean just imagine like vacation started end of May and since then until beginning of this week youre completely clueless wth youll start the next year with and all is kinda confusing and then you finally know youll start with surgery. OHHHH! HOW COULD I MISSS THIS OUT. Like SURGERY!!! You GET IT????? Surgerys the REAL DEAL. i mean surgery is my thing. I never joined med school thinking ill be a ‘doctor’! I entered med school thinking ill be a ‘surgeon’ inshaAllah. AND it has never changed! So yeah! Now i never said it i think, but, i chose medicine because IN MY OPINION this is the most realistic way in which you are doing something for humanity which ultimately contributes to your religion i.e. to Allah and therefore for your own self for the Hereafter. I am aware that there are a zillion other ways to do so but i think this is number one on the list. Or if not 1 at least in the top 10! Now it doesnt end there. So first, i chose “medicine” for this reason. Now, yeah it doesnt end there. I want to be ‘involved enough’ in doing the job that i need to use to -use my own hands- to do so!!!! And thats nothing but surgery! Yeah! Thats basically what im about :):):) Aha okay so i started typing and then i keep talking talking talking and now idk what i wna say. Im all over the place looool Okayyy i need to go now! Just one thing i missed oh! Him. There's SO much of emotions stuck in me. SO Strong.. I dont think I have ever felt for him, or can ever feel for him AS MUCH AS I feel for him right now.. ❤

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moonshroooms · 7 years ago

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Hey, let’s talk about the awesome kids I have as neighbors :D

So there are a few kids in my building who like to come over and play video games. Them, along with my friend/their older brother Tay, all roast each other and play video games on the weekends (though it has been sans Tay, since he’s off in the army for a while ; w ;). The kids still come over on occasion regardless. I tend to refer to them as “my kids,” to my friends. Most of these kids are siblings, except for two, who aren’t related to the other like, 5 or so, but are cousins to each other.

First up is

Nyla: She’s a cute little, six or so?, year old. For her age, she’s pretty good a smash bros, though obviously she’s not great, cuz she’s only six. She doesn’t come around as often anymore (mostly because I grew very tired of essentially babysitting. Smash isn’t quite as fun when one of your opponents has a hard time getting back on stage, and interrupts the FITE you’re trying to have with someone else, as well as getting pouty and crying when she loses a lot. Not fun at all). When she is here and plays though, we have realized she is not good enough to be an opponent (obviously), but dangerous enough to not be ignored (Little Mac is her favorite and that sucker hits hard). We call her the Stage Hazard.

Next we have Young, about 10 or 11 or something like that. Young’s kind of a spazzy kid. And I feel like I might be making bad assumptions or something, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was autistic or something of that nature (keeping in mind that I don’t know, and it certainly doesn’t make a difference to me if he is, just something I’ve thought might be possible). I also have no idea what signs of autism are, nor do I know any common behaviors beyond the extremely stereotyped “bad social skills, likes trains” stereotype (which I’m sure is an incredibly over-generalization).

His social skills aren’t fantastic and he just kinda says random things sometimes? He’s a good kid though, but he’s certainly not good at playing nice with the other kids, y’know? But then, the other kids are also not very nice to him either (it’s kind of a back and forth thing. They’d be nicer if he was nicer, but he’s not, so then they’re meaner to him, and then he’s meaner back and just endless circle of boo). If he’s over by himself he’s perfectly content just playing Super Mario Bros. for wii (his favorite one. He always restarts it for some reason every time he picks it up again), and talking to himself. He gets real salty real fast is smash though, and him and his brother usually slap each other at least once when they’re playing smash. If he’s getting pouty it’s pretty easy to cheer him up by making him laugh (usually by way of threatening to tickle him). His other favorite game to play is Life is Strange, which obviously isn’t really the most appropriate game for a kid, but I didn’t feel like it was bad enough to say no. He really likes it, and it was interesting to sit and watch him think about what decisions to choose and why. He was pretty introspective with it tbh. He choose to have Chloe and Max kiss, and then acted like it was so scandalous, but he didn’t rewind and change it at all XD

At first I was 100% sure he only ever came over to play video games, but I have learned that he does indeed like me and think I’m nice. (At some point he made a grand exit to go play with some of his friends and he stopped at the door, turned to us and pointed at each one going “you suck, you suck, you suck,” *points at me* “you’re cool,” *points at last kid* “and you really suck, PEACE.” And just left XD Then again, one time he did promise me he’d beat me in smash over and over again so much that I’d get really mad and cry about it (to which I told him “kiddo, if you get good enough at smash that I lose multiple times in a row I will be the happiest person and super proud of you”). He seemed a bit confused and sad that I wasn’t gonna be salty about it XD One time his family went to Chuck-E-Cheese and he brought me back vampire teeth, like what a sweetheart?? I mean, they were too small for my adult teeth but I appreciate that he spent some tickets on me. Young’s favorite Smash characters are Cloud, Captain Falcon, and Ike (sometimes he picks up Little Mac).

Next up is Leeniel (or LeeLee, as we call him. Also I have no idea how to spell his actual name): I think he’s maybe 12 or so? Lee’s actually not around very much. When he is here he’s usually quiet (though he does talk during the match and all that. We all gotta trash talk in this group). He likes to draw (in fact, for my birthday last month he drew me a very adorable picture of Toon Link, one of my smash mains. Like how sweet and awesome are my kids? I love them). I can’t really say much about Lee, other than he’s pretty cocky about his Smash Bros. skills (he’s better than Young, but still not better than Trell, who I’ll talk about in a bit). Lee’s favorite fighters are Link, Cloud, and Little Mac.

Neeeext up is Solomon (or Solo, as we call him): Solo is a 16-year-old giraffe. Like I mean it, he’s fricking huge. He has to bend down to get through my doorway. I think he’s somewhere past 6”5, I believe? I don’t even know man. I do know that the best thing is when he comes by to visit after being gone a long while, he always picks me up. Being 5”2 and suddenly being hoisted way past your own height is great. Solomon is energetic, loud, funny, and a little immature. I know for a fact that he’s autistic, as his mother has randomly mentioned it to me (she was lamenting that it was hard for him to have friends his age, since he tends to be less mature than them). Solo doesn’t come around much, as he’s often living with his dad, and it seems he’s lost a lot of interest in smash. He’s tried to get me to buy Pokken Tournament, but like, I played it and it’s pretty meh? It’s okay, I just like Smash better (probably cuz I already put in the work for that one and I’m pretty good at it. I ain’t wanna start at ground zero again). I worry that if I buy it the other kids won’t play it with me as much (though they are children, if we’re being honest: if you build it, they will come, if I buy it, they will play lol). Solo I know for a fact hates Undertale, though he hasn’t played it for himself. It’s just the Undertale explosion he hates I figure, so sad, cuz it really is a great game that should be at least tried out once. He did surprise me by spotting my Journey game was like “muthafucker that game is beautiful.” XD So he’s got a short attention span and is pretty immature, but loves Journey. It’s fantastic honestly. Solo was actually the person who inspired me and Trell to get really good at the game, cuz we were on top until Solo came along and we realized “wait we actually have no idea how the FAKC to play this game.” I can proudly say I am now smash queen and Trell and Solo are about par with each other. Solo’s favorite characters are Little Mac and Samus (but mostly Little Mac).

Next is Charni (Shar-nay), who I love and call her my Protégé. I think she’s around Young’s age, maybe a couple months older. I first met her when I was at Solomon’s house (another kid I’ll bring up in a sec). She’s his little cousin, I believe, and she was kinda shy and bored. I plopped down next to her and started showing her how to play Smash so she could play with us. She had quite the steep learning curve since none of the other kids would go easy on her for being new, but I made sure to praise her when she got a good hit, and show her what to do so she wouldn’t get discouraged. I’m proud to say she quickly adored smash and is a regular part of our game weekends when she’s in town :D She’s at about an equal level with Young (not surprising, since they’re the same age), though she tends to play a bit smarter than he does and is less predictable.

I made it my mission to try and make sure she ended up liking nerd things, and I’m happy to say it ended up that she did XD She’s reading some Legend of Zelda manga last time I saw her, and she knows a little about Undertale from some fan things, though she’s never actually played the game? I tried to get her to play it, but she got bored, so meh. She likes Steven Universe and Gravity Falls too! I let her wear my Dipper hat whenever she sees it. Sometimes I’ll come home from work or school and she’ll just be there, chillin’ with my mom and watching an old black and white movie. I’ll usually have to put my foot down like “hell naw it’s a weekday I ain’t dealing with you snots come back Friday.” It’s pretty obvious she looks up to me a lot, and gets really happy when I praise her. Sometimes the boys pick on her (like saying she’s fat in a derogatory manor or saying she sucks at the game. She’s not fantastic at Smash obviously, she’s still just a kid, but she’s certainly not as bad as they make her seem. And she’s not fat at all really? She’s not basically bones like I am, but she doesn’t look like she has serious weight on her? She’s like, 120lb or something and quite a few inches taller than me. Not ThaT theRE’S a pROoBlem if shE WaSS, just she’s really not fat, and I don’t like the other kids to be using the word fat in a derogatory manner. Body shaming is not okay in my house).

I love her hair to, it’s fantastic. I believe she’s black and Hawaiian, and my god that Polynesian wavy hair is so fantastic I wish it was mine. I’ve gotten her to play Breath of the Wild, Mario Odyssey, and Phantom Hourglass (not that it took much convincing, lol), and she’s pretty good at them honestly! :D Sometimes she doesn’t want to play games though and she’ll just plop next to me while I’m on my computer and read funny Tumblr posts or webcomics with me, she’s adorbs. She’s a tough cookie, and she can get salty about Smash sometimes, but she’s usually a pretty good sport. Sometimes when it’s just us practicing, she’ll tell me to go at her 100%, and then quickly start yelling for me to stop when I do XD. For my birthday she made like, typography of Link’s name and colored it. So sweet. Her favorite fighters are Corrin, Dark Pit, and recently her brawler Mii that she made.

Next up is my favorite child (but don’t tell the others) Latrell (or just Trell): Trell’s a fantastic kid honestly. I think he’s like, 13/14 or so? I always say he’s 12 though, just cuz it ticks him off. Trell is easily my biggest rival in smash, as we’re just about at the same level (though I’m still reigning champ). He tells me that I’m a sore winner (I mean, I celebrate when I win, but it’s not like I jump up and dance and sing about what a loser everyone is. So that’s the salt talking ;3), but then he’s actually a sore winner/loser. If he loses enough time he’ll start trying to slap me or get pouty enough to need a break, and if he wins (or god forbid starts winning a few times in a row), he’ll start rubbing it in my face. And when I lose I tend to laugh and be like ‘dangnabit that suck, next time I got this’, but obviously losing starts to suck when some little twerp starts acting like he’s hot shit cuz he won the last 4 rounds and cuts you off with proclamations about what a loser you are – like, not even in a joking way either XD At some point I had to stop playing against him one day cuz he was getting really mean about me winning. Like, tone it down child we’re all friends here.

Most of the time he’s a great kid, though like most children he’ll have his moments. He likes to help me cook and bake and likes to sing. One of my favorite things is that I think he sort of came out to me last month or so, but in like the lamest way possible. Keeping in mind I knew he wasn’t straight (I figured he was either gay or bisexual, but I wasn’t sure), waaaaaaay long time ago. Like, I think before he knew kind of a thing? There were obvious stereotypical signs, but I don’t really like to assume, so I figured until I had confirmation that he did like boys or girls or both, I’d just use gender-neutral terms and stuff. He likes a lot of musicals, celebrity gossip, RuPal’s Drag Race, y’know the totally-not-stereotypical interests of gay culture – it’s really a miracle I picked up on it at all it was so subtle. He’d also made mention to several boys being cute, or that a few of his male classmates had a crush on him (or vice versa), so I knew he was interested in boys at least. Girls were yet to be seen (though I knew he’d had a girlfriend or something in the past, but I didn’t know if it was because he was interested in both, or if it was a ‘I didn’t know I was interested in boys, so I had a girlfriend’, kind of thing).

There was this one conversation that I still look back on and laugh. He was talking about his crush, and that he was worried about them cuz they were getting wisdom teeth pulled out and (since I work part time at an oral surgeon’s place), I just said “wisdom teeth? Oh he’ll be fine calm down.”

And he looks at me all mock-offended and goes “Did you just assume my crush’s gender??”

“That depends – was I right?”

“Listen that’s not the point here”

Anyways I official learned he was bisexual when he made me watch a movie called GBF (Gay Best Friend, which, I don’t know if this movie is revolutionary in the gay community or anything, but I’m sorry it’s an awful fucking movie. This kid gets forcefully outed by some app, and then the popular girls were all clamoring to get him to be their best friend, because a gay best friend was the hot new commodity they just had to have like he’s a new fricking purse for them to customize so they could win their petty popular girl war. And then there was like, a prom war/prom sabotage thing? Either way it’s a dumb-ass movie. Also waaaaaay too inappropriate for this 13/14 year old to have watched? Like, in one scene a Mormon dude in it was being all bi-curious and 100% starts trying to rub off our Main Character in a truck, and another scene of one of the popular girls is like dry humping one of the dude characters in a bed and like omg I wasn’t expecting it to get that inappropriate + my mom walked in right at the truck scene and I died inside. Like you are too young for this go watch some Duck Tales fool what are you doing).

Anyways, at the end of the movie he just goes “guess I already got you you’re GBF, haha lloloeeleolol :D ;D XDDD.”

And I just gave him this fed-up look like “did you just come out to me with the worst movie I’ve ever seen??? Even though I clearly already knew?????”

“Yes. Also it’s actually BBF.”

And I was just like “Trell you’re hilarious and everything, but if you ever show me a movie as bad as GBF ever again I will punch you in the throat.” And then I shoved him off the couch.

Since the GBF movie I swear he’s been making 10x more LBGT jokes. We have a tube of muscle relaxer or whatever called Bengay, and anytime he happens to see it he’ll pick it up and loudly announce “heh, yeah, I’ve been-gay before lelel” which usually ends up with my snatching the Bengay and launching it across the room.

And he’s like, 14, so I wouldn’t be surprised if his sexuality changed at all in the future, but for now at least he’s stated he’s bisexual. Either way, he’s the sweetest and funniest kid, and I do my best to know he’s more than accepted in my home.

Anyways, Trell is absolute incapable of playing single player games. I tried to get him to play Mario Odyssey and he got as far as pressing the jump button before he melted off the couch and complained that it was torture. He loves to challenge me to Pikmin, but won’t play the single player campaign (I got him to play like, halfway through the first level and that’s it). His favorite characters in smash are aaaaaall of them. He’s more of an all-arounder for the characters, and sometimes he’ll switch and have a new main for a while. Sometimes he’ll get butthurt about being beaten by Pikachu and Toon Link, cuz he says they were his mains first and he only stopped cuz I used them (which for some reason all the kids feel like they need to ask me to use Pikachu or Toon Link, and I have NO IDEA why. Like the fuck use whoever you want it’s a fricken game I don’t own them). The characters he goes back to most though are: Peach, Zero Suit Samus, and Villager (usually the girl skins).

And while he’s not child, why don’t I bring up the older bro Tay: Tay is really bad at smash but he keeps on trying and I’m proud of him XD His favorite characters are Samus and Ganondorf.

Aaaaand that’s all I wanted to say bye

#personal #kids #LGBT+ I guess?#I mention it a lil #but in relation to my kid

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subjectsilver · 7 years ago

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my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol)

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems. all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective.

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight

#fuckwormy #waitttt

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