#and if your CD skips? So help you; it's back to the beginning (which happened on Muscle Museum)

[sunburnacoustic]

Track 4 from the US Promo-only Cave EP that was sent to press and radio in the US and Canada in 1999/early 2000. Coma is listed on the track listing as a "previously unreleased B-side" at this point in time.

[thejustmaiden]

Heyo, fellow Inuyasha fans! Happy Friday! This particular blog will serve as a collection of random thoughts I’ve been mulling over lately. Hope you’ll consider giving it a read. By the way, it’ll specifically pertain to the Sessrin ship. If that’s not something that is of interest to you, then no need to read any further. Whatever happens, I wanted to get this out before the sequel. Alrighty, let’s go! 

I’m not sure many of us realize just how much fiction sparks public dialogue and shapes culture. There have been countless studies and research done to prove it, therefore this really isn’t up for debate. What the real question here should be is have we taken the time to fully contemplate and assess just how much fictional experiences are able to change or influence our perspective on real, everyday life? The visual arts are just one of many evolutionary adaptations that serve to give us more insight into one another’s mind. If our outlook on fiction contrasts with said insight, then perhaps some re-evaluating is in order.  

Powerful works of literature such as 1984 and the beloved Harry Potter series are just two examples. George Orwell’s book contributed strongly to how readers viewed government and politics during that time, and to this day it’s a book that resonates with many. As much as Harry Potter is cherished all across the world, there are religious and academic institutions that condemn it or have even gone so far as to ban it. I may not agree with the extreme measures taken, but it’s fascinating nonetheless to witness the extent to which fiction can move and mobilize people for a cause.

The takeaway is that indicating fiction doesn’t have the power to create change in our everyday lives is misleading to say the least. So how exactly then can fictional stories that are, after all, completely made up affect society in such profound ways? It all lies in the power of the psychology of fiction. According to cognitive psychologist and novelist, Keith Oatley, who’s been researching the psychological effects of fiction for over a decade, he states that engaging with stories about other people can improve empathy and theory of mind. When we identify with these characters’ struggles, we begin to share their frustration for societal problems that plague them. These types of stories tap into our emotions more so than- believe it or not- nonfiction, and thus their effects inspire us and even have the ability to alter our worldviews. 

I’ll be returning to that specific topic a bit later, but moving on for now!

It’s safe to say that I speak on behalf of the majority of antis. That being said, I first want to add that we are aware that sessrin shippers claim to agree that there was nothing inherently romantic that took place between Rin and Sesshomaru during their travels together. The thing is we have trouble believing you guys when you time and time again provide contradictory statements to defend your stance.

Voicing things like, “all signs point to Rin” and “it’s been foreshadowed” sends the exact opposite message of what you supposedly stand for and, if anything, confirms that you’ve had romance on your mind long before it would’ve been acceptable to come out with openly. You can’t just go along with what we say when it’s convenient to your argument and then back it up later with “who else but Rin.” How can the relationship you’re imagining be so obvious if they didn’t hint at it for the whole duration of the original series like we agreed upon? Elaborate on how we could’ve possibly come to such wildly different conclusions when we started AND left off with the same views for and throughout the series. 

On top of that, making the excuse that we don’t speak for adult!Rin and that she has the right to make her own decisions once she’s old enough is a weak defense. Firstly, because we haven’t even met her. Secondly, because it’s unfair of you to assert that you know what’s best for Rin and then say we’re not allowed to just because it doesn’t align with your beliefs. I get that you feel protective over her character, but do recall that this adult version of her none of us have actually met yet. We have no idea what kind of woman she’s become, what her dreams or aspirations may be, and whether she’s married or even wants to be. I’m not against the idea of her falling in love, I just don’t think it’ll be with Sesshomaru. I guess I’m also a fan of the idea of her following in Kaede’s footsteps, because if anyone can grow up to be an independent, trusted, and wise leader of the community like her it’s Rin.

To make matters worse, way too many of you continue to celebrate the drama cd and profess that it was sweet that Sesshomaru basically promised he’d wait for Rin all while somehow ignoring the glaring grooming implications. Why do you only see what you want to see and fail to acknowledge that actual child grooming scenarios do in fact play out like this in real life? A high percentage of people who have been victims of grooming can attest to this. If Sessrin does go canon, all the sequel succeeded in doing to avoid the direct correlation with grooming was skip over the more questionable and dodgy portions of it. Take out the time jump, however, and you no longer have a loophole to cover up the scary unmistakable truth, which is that Sessrin and grooming are essentially one in the same.

No one case is identical to another so please don’t come to me with your “but how is it grooming if Sesshomaru didn’t manipulate Rin” refutes. Nobody knows what the hell went on during those years between The Final Act and this upcoming sequel. Based on everything exhibited so far- that is if we decide to recognize the drama cd like so many of you choose to do- Sessrin’s dynamic is eerily reminiscent of real life child grooming. Why else do you think a lot of us fans have a huge problem with it? It’s triggering for a reason. 

Let’s be honest, Sesshomaru’s supposed love confession could’ve just been the first of many gestures like it. Who really knows, right? According to you shippers, a major shift in their relationship took place sometime during this critical period none of us got to watch unfold. I’m sure you all have explored the various ways this would’ve gone down in fan fiction and through other creative means of expression. Not to spoil the fun, but all I can’t help but wonder about is just how many of those supposed “cute moments” would’ve been as creepy and cringey as that proposal. Hundreds of thousands (possibly millions?!) of fans would undoubtedly agree with me, too. It seems to me this ain’t due to a mere difference of opinion. Taste is one thing, ethics a whole other. 

By the way, in case you didn’t know, groomers don’t necessarily need to plan out every single move in order for their behavior to constitute as grooming. What we should be paying attention to instead is the fact that Sesshomaru made a conscious decision to act on his own selfish desire for a young girl who couldn’t have possibly known in that moment the magnitude of what he was asking of her. Why is it that a vulnerable Rin is put in a position that forces her to be the one responsible for making such a big, life-changing decision for the both of them? Yes, Sesshomaru gave her the choice and, yes, she doesn’t have to make it till later, but why on Earth is he coming to her with this well before a child her age is ready and mature enough to handle it? Even if his intentions are good (broadly speaking of course), his what you shippers probably call “innocent acts” are incidentally coercing Rin into reciprocating his feelings. Whether he planned for that or not, he’s at fault. Period. 

That’s one way the power imbalance works. A child wants nothing more than to please the adult they look up to and adore, because they’re impressionable like that. Maybe Rin processes this like she’ll want whatever he wants, so that’s what she trains herself to believe- either right then and there or over time. Plus, if you really think about it, why wouldn’t she trust him if in her eyes he’s been nothing but good to her and that’s all she’s ever really known? (Psst! Charm is integral to the manipulative nature of grooming so it’s deceiving AKA manipulation can come off as praise or flattery.) Bottom line is that Rin is too young to have to think about this kind of deep stuff at all, and Sesshomaru shouldn’t have taken advantage of the power he had/has over her to influence a decision she was by no means prepared to hear about much less decide on. Your headcanons seem to imply that she’ll eventually have to choose though, and Idk about you but I rather not push my own fantasy agenda onto a underage girl regardless of how much I want it. Idc if she’s fictional, it wouldn’t feel right so why would I want to see that? My principals couldn’t ever allow for it.   

Even if it wasn’t an official proposal, per se, it’s still disturbing to me that so many of you find joy in the thought of a grown adult male essentially waiting for a young girl HE KNEW to become old enough before pursuing her. I know this drama cd ain’t technically canon, y'all, but since this is literally the only source we have that may foreshadow a potential Sessrin to come, and it’s referenced a lot, I figured it still should be called out for exactly what it is- Grooming: 101!!!!

Just as I demonstrated above, fiction has the ability to make even the most inappropriate and uncomfortable situations be viewed in a favorable light when you put the right spin on it. *cough* Lolicon culture, need I say more? *cough* Despite what you may believe, the strategies fiction utilizes to explain themes/concepts can genuinely lead to how we perceive them, and ultimately to how we come to make sense of a similar event presented to us in real life. Especially if we have no prior experience with any of it and have nothing to compare something to, these perceptions can be dangerous yet still persuasive to certain fans- young ones in particular. The more narrative consistency across stories and different mediums, the more likely they’ll influence social beliefs. Minors don’t possess the same capacity as adults to think critically about the content they consume, and if we aren’t more careful about what we put out there then all of us will continue to face serious repercussions.

This is precisely why it’s crucial we persist in our fight against the rabid phenomenon of glorifying young girls in every sexual context imaginable. Just look at what something as seemingly harmless as fiction has the power to do. The scope of fiction is broad and far-reaching, and it’s about time we stop denying that fact and actually do something about it if we have the means to.

The truth of the matter is that we’re in desperate need of proper education and training programs on this issue in our communities. Families need to ensure their children have access to the necessary resources, but it isn’t just on them. ALL of us gotta do our part and ALL of us should be up for the task. It takes a village, right? If we do not properly discuss and address child sexual abuse (CSA) with our children and in public forums, including the internet, then we’re ultimately accepting incidents of CSA should they arise. Consequently, that also translates to indirectly accepting that the predators among us stay untreated and/or unpunished. That’s how the generational and societal aspect of the abuse can continue, and we must do everything in our power to secure our children’s future. Yes, even when it comes to fiction.

If you still somehow don’t think the Sessrin pairing has anything to do with grooming, allow me to break this down for you one more time:

1. If some of your fellow sessrin shippers say that a relationship like this in real life is harmful, then that should be pretty telling in and of itself.

2. Piggybacking off #1: if your only defense to that is “well it’s just fiction,” then you should ask yourself why you can’t ever come up with better reasons. Same goes for history and culture, so please stop using those to justify this relationship. None of the above can or should be applied since it’s already been established that fiction pervades our lives and vice versa.

3. If fellow shippers who are victims of grooming say they are drawn to Sessrin because it allows them in a way to “take back control��� from their abuser so that they can better cope with past traumas, then they’re inadvertently admitting that Sessrin does possess qualities associated with the past child sexual abuse they underwent. AKA Sessrin is relatable for its abusive dynamic.

I have to ask by the way, but why do you get so offended when we don’t support your ship anyway? Is it because we interpret it to be controversial and you don’t like your ship getting a bad rap? Is it because it would be insulting to admit that antis actually have a point in it being problematic and you rather double down instead? Or is it because you’re projecting yourself onto Rin and prefer to not go into detail about why that is? Maybe it’s too personal, or maybe it’s because deep down you’re ashamed. Of course that doesn’t mean you’re bad people, but suppressing these kind of negative emotions can’t be healthy for anyone. A little awareness and self-reflection on your part can benefit not just you but all of us in the long run. Cognitive dissonance can suck, but it’s also part of being human. 

I recently came across a comment I’d like to share with you. Unfortunately, this is not the first time nor will it be the last I see the likes of it. Anyway, in it a fan stated how embarrassing it must be being an Anti in this fandom when an episode like “Forever with Lord Sesshomaru” exists. Guys, this shipper and all those who liked their post are showing their true colors. Perpetuating and/or anticipating these sexualized images of young girls is a grave issue in both our society and media alike. I think we can all agree on that, or at least I hope so. It’s remarks like these that prove we still got a long way to go in terms of progress, and if we ever hope to effectively reverse some of our backwards way of thinking. So serious question for ya in regard to this: Why is it too much to ask that grooming be portrayed for what it is? Grooming. To clarify, grooming is bad and needs to be painted in a bad light. It’s as simple as that. If only we could all acknowledge it for what it is, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. 

Historical accuracy and cultural differences aside, it appears the crux of the matter between Sessrin shippers and Antis is our acceptance and/or denial of fiction’s influence on real life. If we can’t agree on this, then we’ll never agree on anything else. As mentioned earlier, there is more than enough evidence to support the idea that fiction impacts our lives in extraordinary ways. I, for one, believe in the transformative power of stories. I think they do more for us than many of us give them credit for and/or are inclined to admit. 

This is partially why I believe that the majority of sessrin folk are missing the point most of the time. All they do is focus on insignificant and irrelevant information that accomplishes nothing but more gaslighting and strawmanning. Whether it be an intentional or unconscious decision, whatever we argue goes right over their head. All they do is throw around deflections and antagonizing remarks that serve no real purpose other than to make Antis out to be the unreasonable and irrational ones. Making connections between our own lives and our stories is a completely natural and normal occurrence. If those particular shippers insist on denying just how interconnected real life and fiction both are, what that tells me is they’re either out of touch with reality or deliberately choose to be.

Just to be clear, I am of the opinion that most if not all antis aren’t real life predators. If they say they aren’t, I honestly take their word for it. Speaking to Sessrin shipper directly: We know it’s not Sesshomaru you want to be but Rin. No, we’re not calling you pedophiles or groomers. None of us think you are using a fictional ship to attract underage fans to be the Rin in your life or anything of the sort. We are well aware that many of you are self-inserting yourself as Rin, so please don’t feel the need to tell us yourself because that would be stating the obvious.

I learned from a few of you since this sequel was announced that the Sessrin relationship isn’t just a ship but an opportunity for you to confront the person who used and abused you. So there’s two issues with this I’d like to raise. (Sorry if I’m repeating myself, but it’s urgent I stress this again!) This is what I have to say:

If fiction does not affect real life or have the ability to normalize anything as you claim to believe, then why does “fixing” what happened to you via your preferred choice of coping associated with these two characters in the first place? Why bring your past abuse into this at all if at the end of the day it’s “just fiction” and nothing more to you but a source of entertainment?

By confessing that you use Sessrin to cope with your past trauma, you therein reveal that Sessrin does in fact resemble an adult-child relationship with a grooming dynamic. So why then would you want other fans to be exposed to a pairing that brings to mind the very abuse you endured? We’re supposed to stop this toxic cycle- NOT find more ways to manifest and relive it, much less subject other fans to it. 

You may think that Sessrin doesn’t fit the textbook definition of what child grooming is, but that’s not to say it doesn’t embody it or that it doesn’t at the very least have traces of it that stand out. 

“Antis are miserable people who don’t know how to enjoy a good story. It’s just fiction, stop ruining it for other fans!”

Well, no, it’s not just fiction or just a story. Some of you evidently went and proved that yourself, and without my help, by revealing how you relate Sessrin to your own life and apply it to cope with past abuse. Past abuse or not, as far as I can tell we’re all equally invested in these characters. That speaks volumes and just goes to show that fiction touches our lives in long-lasting ways.

I have something I want to say concerning some of who believe that it’s inconsiderate of antis who have been victims of grooming or another form of child abuse to tell other victims who ship Sessrin how they should cope with their trauma. Now as much as I respect the various means victims discover to deal with their painful pasts, there’s always an appropriate time and a place for these things to occur. We must seek out better ways to safely cope with the abuse we lived through (if any) without running the risk of hurting and endangering others. 

There are plenty of fans in other fandoms who don’t try to defend their ships going canon, because they’re able to recognize an unhealthy or toxic pairing when they see one and won’t try to justify it. A Sessrin romance simply does not belong on a show geared towards teens, and I really don’t need to go into detail about why we shouldn’t support it, at least canon-wise. Shipping Sessrin is your right, but if you don’t keep it to yourself and your corner of the fandom then you really shouldn’t be surprised by the opposition. All we ask is you respect that their specific dynamic falls under the category of child grooming (or very close) and should be treated as such in public. The world of fiction may be wider than the world we live in, but that doesn’t always mean “anything goes.” In the creative spaces our minds occupy we must still adhere to the same fundamental and moral guidelines we live by in life. There’s nothing wrong with exploring new terrains and experimenting with ideas, but we must also remember that our stories are all about communicating and connecting with people. So let’s please be more mindful of the sort of messages they’re sending. 

Besides, this isn’t only about you and what makes you feel safe, it’s about all of us. I don’t know how much more I can stress that really. How can thoughts endanger our children, you ask? Well, it’s not like we’re suggesting that our thoughts can jump out of our tvs, materialize themselves, and place kids under mind control. The forces behind fiction are a lot more complex and nuanced than a “monkey see, monkey do” approach, so don’t waste any more time trying to  describe that to us. You’re taking this argument in the wrong direction. 

Take the “violent video games breed killers” theory. I’m afraid you’re misconstruing what we’re saying and then taking it quite too literally. Please stop twisting our words, because nobody on our side is saying that just because you play violent video games that you’ll become a violent person. The Sessrin equivalent of that would be if you ship them then you must be a pedophile or turning into one. *sigh* I know you guys are feeling attacked, but I’m afraid your defensive nature is keeping you from thinking straight. Clearly, there are always exceptions (I’d recommend reading up on the Slender Man case), but Antis aren’t saying you’re one of them.

You see, it’s not so much about the content as it is the notion of the content. Kids and teens who are playing these video games have been informed that killing is wrong, because they grew up learning that early on like the rest of us. No sane person would advocate for violence and nonsensical killing in real life. Since they fully understand the severity of the consequences of killing a person in real life, they are able make a clear distinction between the two. When it comes to killing there is hardly any ambiguity. Sadly, that is far from the truth when it comes to sexualizing girls. It should immediately be perceived as wrong leaving no room for interpretation, and yet here we are still putting up with these inaccurate and demeaning female representations.

Most children who have been groomed don’t realize it till years down the road. If they aren’t ever taught the telltale signs to properly labeling grooming situations, how do you expect them to make sense of and relate to a fictional version? Let’s think of about it from a child’s perspective. Yes, this includes teens who rely pretty heavily on adult guidance and the content we put out there for them. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and picture that you’ve never had child grooming explained to you (because that’s just the reality for so many unfortunately). Wouldn’t you say it’s possible for them to deduce that what they see on their screens is how they come to discern something in real life, especially if they have little to no experience with it? Perceived realism is plausible, y'all.

What it comes down to in the end is that the ideas and emotions we cultivate behind these stories leave an impression on others. Impressions are capable of influencing the way we see the world, which in turn affects us and beyond just our imagination. The way I look at it, stories contribute to how and why we normalize certain beliefs and trends. If fiction reflects real life like most of us tend to agree, then wouldn’t you say Sessrin is a (in)direct result of this world’s tendency to place young girls in overly sexual or romantic environments? Where do you think fiction draws its inspiration from? Sure, some of it originates from our imagination, but most of what drives us to create these stories is the real world and the people who live in it.

Fiction is meant to mirror reality, but it’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s only a one-way street. That fiction in no way, shape, or form influences our reality? Or that it only works the other way around? With all due respect, that’s simply not true. No productive discourse can be had if we choose to ignore the truth and don’t come together (at least halfway) to tackle the real issues at hand. 

Okay, I think I’ll leave it off there! Thanks so much for reading. I expect this to be my last blog on any topic regarding Inuyasha in the near future. As much as I’ve looked forward to answering all of your asks and writing all the blogs I have over these past almost 5 months, I think it’s best if I spend some time away for now. With the sequel fast approaching, I’m doing what I always do: hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I’ve met some amazing people along the way, that’s for sure. And who knows, maybe you’ll see me active in the tags sooner than we think. Until then, it’s been an absolute pleasure! Enjoy the sequel, all of you. 💜

[merinnan]

Fic Tag Game

Grabbed from @hils79, because it looked like fun.

Name: Merinnan, which I’ve gone by for... fifteen years now, I think? Prior to that, I mostly used Calicia (and sometimes Zoi).

Fandoms: Like Hils, I’m only going to list the fandoms I’ve actually written fic for.

Star Trek: My very first fandom, and the one I’ve written the most fics for (so far - I suspect that DMBJ will overtake it. It certainly already has in terms of word count). I was (and am still) primarily a DS9 fan, and was a huge Kira/Dukat and Garak/Bashir shipper back in the day. Most of my Trekfics are DS9 fics, but I also dabbled a little bit in TOS and TNG, and had one or two crackfic crossovers that involved Voyager characters. Discovery has tempted me with a few fic ideas, but I haven’t written anything for it yet.

Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon: aka, the show that first had me seriously questioning my sexuality. Look, Haruka and Michiru are #goals, don’t judge me. This is also where my Zoi name came from, after the first season villain Zoisite, whom I cosplayed several times. Unsurprisingly, my main ships are HaruMichi and KunZoi. Despite this fact, neither of my published Sailormoon fics are HaruMichi.

Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040: A short-lived fandom, but one I still liked enough to write a fic for and get the OST CD.

World of Warcraft: I wouldn’t say I’m really part of the fandom, per se, but I’ve been playing since the dying days of Burning Crusade, am a huge lore nerd, and started writing a crossover fic that is currently on indefinite hiatus. I do plan to come back and finish it, but first RL got in the way, and now I have to try and remember where I’d actually been planning to go with it.

A Court of Thorns and Roses: That crossover fic I just mentioned? Yeah, this is what it’s a crossover with. ACoTaR fandom went sleepy for awhile, but it’s back up and kicking now that A Court of Silver Flames is out - if any of you are still following me, it’s great to see everyone active again! To the surprise of no-one who knows me, I’m a big Nessian shipper.

Mo Dao Zu Shi / Chen Qing Ling / The Untamed: I came to this fandom via ACoTaR, actually, after a certain person (hi, @rhysand-vs-fenrys!) wouldn’t stop gushing about it :-) This is the fandom that really and seriously got me back into regular fic writing again after 15-ish years. I’m a multishipper here, and have written / am writing WangXian, NieLan, XiCheng, XuanLi, and XiSang.

Guardian / Zhen Hun: MDZS fandom led me to Guardian, which, along with DMBJ, has devoured my life in a way that hasn’t happened since my Star Trek days, and I love it! WeiLan is my major ship, but I’m also quite fond of the DaMian life raft.

Zhu Yilong: Yes, I’m going to list a person as a fandom. Zhu Yilong is one of the stars of Guardian, and is both incredibly pretty and an incredibly talented actor. So much so that I have suffered through some truly terrible dramas just to watch him in them. I do not write Z1L-fic, since RPF of living people is a personal squick of mine, but I am working on a massive crossover fic of most of his characters.

Mo Du: Guardian led me along to more of Priest’s works, such as Mo Du, which is now officially my favourite book, and I adore the main WenZhou ship. The Mo Du fandom right now is pretty tiny, and I’m still working on my first fic for it, but I hope that it will grow with the donghua due out this year, and the drama having just started filming.

Daomu Biji / The Lost Tomb: I initially came into this fandom because of Zhu Yilong, who played Wu Xie in the Reboot / Reunion / Chongqi drama, and then I got sucked into the fandom pit of all of the books and dramas and spinoffs, and it’s wonderful and fantastic. I have written so much for it, and have so much more planned. PingXie and PingXieSang are my main ships here, but I’m also a HeiHua fan, and very much enjoying the RiSang pool noodle that @kholran created.

Tropes: Hurt/Comfort and crack are my major ones.

Fic I spent most time on: A toss-up between Endings and Beginnings and Reunion, both DS9 fics. Endings and Beginnings is an alternate ending to the show, while Reunion is a Gul Dukat-centric fic set around, oh, season 5ish? Both were written for and initially published in print fanzines, so in addition to time spent writing, there was a lot of back and forth for editing, etc.

Favourite fic(s) you’ve written: Look, I honestly couldn’t say. I like most of the fics I’ve written, and there are several that I’m really proud of and really like.

Fic I spent least time on: Silent Graves, a super angsty DMBJ/Lost Tomb Xiaoge fic. I think I wrote it in like 15 minutes.

Longest fic: Cat’s Paw, a DMBJ/Lost Tomb PingXieSang canon rewrite fic I co-wrote with @xantissa, at  247 826 words. For fics written by just me, not with a co-writer, then that would be Nevermore, my WIP MDZS/CQL XiCheng Pacific Rim AU, at 22 276 words and counting.

Shortest fic: Every entry in my DS9 Drabbles series, with each one at exactly 100 words. Although if you count them as a quintdrabble, then Indiscretion (a DS9 missing scene vignette about Gul Dukat, set during the episode of the same name) at 169 words.

Most hits/kudos/comments/bookmarks/subscriptions: The answer to all of these is either Cat’s Paw or Nevermore, so I’m going to give the next highest.

Hits:  Those who fear darkness have never seen what light can do, a DMBJ/Lost Tomb PingXie supernatural AU fic co-written with xantissa.

Since this fic also takes the highest kudos, bookmarks, and subscriptions after Cat’s Paw/Nevermore, I’ll skip to the next fic along on each of those.

Kudos: Stars fall like diamonds, a DMBJ/Lost Tomb PingXie missing scene fic from Reboot/Reunion/Chongqi.

Bookmarks: A Knight in Bloody Armour, another DMBJ/Lost Tomb PingXieSang supernatural AU fic (but a different supernatural AU) co-written with xantissa.

Comments: Ears and Other Related Calamities, yet another DMBJ/Lost Tomb PingXieSang supernatural AU fic (of a different again supernatural AU) co-written with xantissa.

Subscriptions: The Rescue Job, a Guardian WeiLan Leverage AU, currently at one chapter complete and posted out of a planned five chapters.

Fic you want to rewrite/expand on: We have plans for a prequel and a sequel to A Knight in Bloody Armour, and a spinoff fic for The Zhang Identity (a DMBJ/Lost Tomb PingXie AU that is complete but not yet posted. It will be posted in April as part of the Small Fandoms Big Bang).

Share a bit of a WIP: This is from an as-yet-unnamed post-canon fix-it fic for the Guardian drama:

It was hurting again. Zhao Yunlan curled up into a tight ball under the hospital blankets, trying to ignore it enough to try to get back to sleep. He knew it wouldn't work, because he couldn't remember a time when it ever did, but it was always worth a shot, right? He squeezed his eyes shut and held himself tightly for a few...moments? Minutes?...before grabbing his stuffed cat and clutching it while he forced himself to breathe deep, slow breaths the way the doctors back in Spring City had taught him.

Eventually, the pain died back down to its usual dull ache, the one that was bearable and let him play, and watch TV, and do school lessons with his mother. One day, she said, they'd find a doctor who knew what was wrong, why he hurt all the time, and the doctor would give him medicine that would keep the worst pain away so that he could go to an actual school and meet more kids than the ones who lived in their apartment block or who frequented the same playground that he liked to go to.

Zhao Yunlan tried closing his eyes again, seeing if he could go back to sleep, but he was far too awake now. He sighed, sitting up in bed and looking around the room. Again. It was just like the hospital rooms in Spring City, and in Kiyota City. He figured that if the doctors here in Tomorrow Mountains couldn't help, his parents would take him to yet another city, and the hospital rooms there would probably look the same, too.

Then, over the faint beeping of hospital equipment, and the quiet murmurs further down the corridor of nurses at the nurse station or seeing to other patients, he heard a soft sniffling sound, like someone was trying not to cry too loudly. He picked up his stuffed cat and looked at it.

"What do you think, Dead Cat?" he asked it. "Should we go and find them?"

Dead Cat didn't answer, of course, but that didn't stop Zhao Yunlan from assuming that it agreed with him, and slipping out of bed. His feet touched the cold tile floor with barely a sound, and, still holding Dead Cat tightly, Zhao Yunlan padded over to the door. He looked up and down the corridor, then left his room to track down the sniffling noise.

He wasn't surprised that it came from the next room. He was surprised that it came from another kid, a boy who looked to be about his age, huddled in bed and wiping his eyes.

"Hi," Zhao Yunlan whispered. The other boy looked up in surprise, then stopped to clutch his chest as he began to cough. Once he'd finished coughing, Zhao Yunlan and Dead Cat were perched on the end of his bed.

"I'm Zhao Yunlan, and this is Dead Cat." He held up Dead Cat, moving one of the paws to wave hello. "What's your name?"

The boy wiped his eyes again. "Shen Ye."

I tag: ALL OF YOU! Are you a writer who hasn’t done this yet? Consider yourself tagged if you want to be.

[origami10]

Ajin ch 86 thoughts

Okay, it’s been a little bit! Thoughts and spoilers under the cut! (Warning, this is very long)

Writing this in a word doc because a) I don’t want to risk going on tumblr and b) I don’t want to risk the post getting deleted in the middle  [note from the end: this ended up being four pages long in a Word document, so I’m sorry]

Ahhhh, last time buying the digital magazine ><    Until... if... Sakurai starts publishing something new...

It seems kind of unfair not to have Ajin be the cover feature if it’s ending DX I guess they’re just starting with a new series, though. Is that how that works? (It has a main character with white hair so I might be interested...) It’s at the beginning of the mag.

Okay, yeah, pages 111-175.  Aggghhhh I’ve always put off reading the end of series, but I think this is the first one I’ve been up to date with when it actually ended. Promised Neverland was close.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ooh completely new characters...?????? whoops overshot the starting page by a few ughhhh it’s definitely the last one... I mean we knew that, but still..... OMG NO IT’S IZUMI AND TANAKA ISN’T IT??    jeez woah  I can’t wait to hear other readers’ reactions    [edit: yes this was about clover, and she recorded her reaction, which was beautiful ;u;] also omg they’re at least appearing together

omg Sakurai’s author’s note: “It’s very cold, isn’t it. Everyone, I hope you don’t catch a cold.”       YOU’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT’S ENDING?

okay, so at least some time skip Tanaka: New identity, who dis Ooh, Izumi called Tanaka “anta” – the rude/familiar version of ‘you’, rather than the polite one. Honestly I don’t remember but it’s probably what she called him previously. And then turns around and called him anata the next page X’D  Okay, I’m glad that not being consistent is okay in Japanese, I always worry/wonder about that ooooh so Tanaka doesn’t have a new identity YET. I wonder how long it’s been?? omg Tosaki prepared it??    Was he thinking that far ahead? Or is he not dead....   ???  okay so he made it ahead of time     oh, and Izumi was the one who asked him for it??? Oh wow, Izumi has yet another change of identity. I wonder if she’s back to (omggg I forget D: her original name... Tainaka [hah]) Also another great shot emphasizing their height difference X’) lmaoooo I always love when there manages to be some humor oh, they’re only about three years apart! I wonder if that helps pin down the timeline at all??

Aw, Izumi still respects Tosaki lmao  “I’m going home.” “You really have places to be?”  Oh I guess that wasn’t quite it- she really was wondering if he was had a living location... so he has been kinda on the run ><    [Sakurai. Sakurai, happy ending. There is, right? Right?]

Oh dude I really didn’t think we’d get any resolution on that ship and like, idk if this counts as resolution but it sure looks like it does right now okay I’m really sorry but part of me is like ///we’re using so many of the remaining pages on this///  although oh I guess it’s only been 10 pages... it feels like so many since the chapters have been so short lately...

heyyyyy  I mean we kinda knew the U.S. ajin would be back or else what was the point of introducing them Ogura not being dead at the end of the series is extremely impressive (also hopefully Kai :prayer hands:  as in I think he survived) so Ogura didn’t tell them he was coming back huh ... with the crew??? :eyes emoji: lmao AND they thought he was dead, I’m cackling oh okay so they had heard he wasn’t dead the close up of Jim’s face reminds of Kai somehow I guess this manga isn’t so long (and the U.S. ajin left enough of an impression) that at least we’re not like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE “I’ll kill you!!” “Go ahead!!”  HA Winnn I think the people in this series need to get their idea of ‘fun’ checked I don’t really understand what he says in the bubble after that... I’ll have to check the English did he like, metaphorically die because he’s out of FKs? I’m not up on my cigarette brands enough to know if that’s an FK or not... I think it’s what the brand turned into...? oh no what’s this omg    is it gonna be Kai? Are they all gonna be in there? Kotobuki??   also this is already super sad that not everyone got out of jail free... unless they did and I’ll see... but also it’s realistic so all for the best I guess?  i have no idea OH HA I thought it was the juvenile detention center but it’s Takahashi !  o_o not entirely sure I understand what Takahashi says to the guard either at least everyone’s having... fun??? KAI KAI KAI    gahhhh this looks exactly like how ch 69 started and agh they’re both in juvie but ahhhhh they’re together??         I’m already scared to read and actually find out –o- oh wait they have dates to get out!  and they said plural ‘we’ “That was fast”  I feel like that panel represents what this chapter means to me somehow lmao they just want them to be not their problem anymore... that really wraps it up nicely, hilariously, and realistically I’m glad I’m not translating this because there are really a couple lines where I don’t completely understand them “something happened that day”  um, yeah WOW I did NOT think we were going to get an answer to whether Kai was an ajin now or not, but I feel like that definitively answers that question?????     also that’s terribly funny HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW KEI REVIVED HIM??       -punches a wall-  Kai’s whole personality is  ‘I don’t really remember that happening’  >_____________________________> Kei... gave Kai a reason to live... because he almost died...?      I still kinda have faith in this wrapping up well but GOD Kai is not a character to invest all your emotion into, laughs cryingly Kotobuki: “You literally never make any sense, man.” oh no “ano natsu” GAH

I just realized that this almost certainly means Kai and Kou never met. There isn’t enough keysmashing in the world to express my desire to throw my laptop at a wall right now

In no way shape or form did I ever expect to get closure on Akiyama, even on him getting out of the barrel

Manabe definitely stole whatever it is he’s holding but it was probably some kind of personal effects...?  [my powers of prediction suck most of the time] he really looks beat up now ;u; Izukyū-Shimoda... Win, that’s not where you traveled, is it?  Maybe I saw it on the Sunday NHK travel program... but it’s also the end of the train line and has ferries going out into the ocean islands.  Is he getting away, or going home.......? or to Hirasawa or something...?

well that was an extremely abrupt shift are they really shooting Satou up into space they’re not using him as a test subject are they that sounds like an even more awful idea than I ever could have come up with okay... oh jeez can we please please not have Satou be Captain America you just KNOW he’s going to make trouble again, ,, , , ,!!

oh jeez Eriko! I didn’t expect to see her but it’s nice! it’s really sinking in that that’s all the closure we’re going to get on Kai isn’t it Eriko tsundere as if that needed confirmed okay cool, so she’s out of the hospital (for now)

It does seem appropriate? Likely? That Kei didn’t go home. WE BETTER SEE KOU THIS CHAPTER oh, it’s fall   (or winter? Izumi said it was cold...) oh phew

Sakurai said RIP KeiKai shippers I guess....  but they still influenced each other so that’s still shippable even though they’re not together?  sigh not everything is so straightforward and I guess it’s good it reflects that

Kei looks happy enough was Kei working a blue collar job with Kou or something? That’s 100% unexpected Kou adorable omg what is his new name gonna be Also ;-; so they’ve giving ajin rights but everyone’s still staying undercover...? or Kou isn’t I guess, that’s sweet oh wow we admit Tosaki’s great     I guess last chapter’s statement that they found his remains must have settled whether he’s alive or not ‘iroiro atta na’  YOU THINK    also pretty sure that’s Kai’s line from the drama CD what’s with that Kei face??? OMG PERF       also that is scarily close to what I wrote in a fic, but also pretty much to be expected crap I guess at least Tanaka and Izumi are with each other? KAI’S MOON JACKET   WITH THE SMILIE       we really messed up characterizing Kai as the sun haha he’s out he’s out he’s out is he going to meet someone literally zooming out on everyone (like at the end of last chapter too) is kinda messing with me Like they’re still around and doing stuff but we aren’t (don’t get to) watch them anymore Kou saying ‘let’s all meet again’... my heart is warm ;0; LMAO

we can at least rest assured that everyone stayed in character

I can’t I can’t I can’t  [note, this was when I thought Kei saying ‘nah’ was the last page]

O MM FRICKING GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

omg Sakurai you’ve done it again bwahahaah a coworker hit him and is like ‘oh cool fine nevermind’ this is WAY more hilarious than I was expecting for this chapter How do I always forget that Ajin has so much comedy not remembering what page number the chapter ends on is nice

Tankobon releases May 7th in Japan Elizaaaaaa Kei’s got a Shion coat

alright uh well I guess that’s good, in a way, we still get to imagine whatever we want

Finishing it hasn’t sunk in yet, I’ve have to get back to you on that one.

[deadontheinsidebut]

hi angel!! can i ask for hcs of kuroo, osamu and semi finding out that their s/o is really good - a mix of natural music talent but also constant practice - at playing the piano by ear and doesn't know how to read music sheets bc s/o learned it on their own? (s/o came from a family which couldn't afford proper lessons so every hobby that s/o has had to be self taught) i saw that you're up to date with the manga so could you use post timeskip for semi? thank u sm ❤️ sorry if it's too specific!!

 I took so long I’m SOSO sorry!! But hi anon! Ty for requesting❤️ This was a big difficult for me to brainstorm but I really hope you enjoy 😌 as someone who was forced to take piano lessons for 6 years as a child, this request made me regret not continuing and making something of it :(

Kuroo Tetsuro

you two are going on a mall date and you know those pianos they have in the middle of the mall sometimes?

yeah well, that’s what it was

he sees your face light up as someone completes their interpretation of Fur Elise and you skip over to them to ask for a turn

Kuroo is obviously super confused because what?? you play and instrument??

but when he sees you sit down, close your eyes, and place your fingers over the keys, he knows he’s got a bad bitch

and you confirm that by rapidly playing the song from memory without having any recollection of ever playing the song before

and he’s just standing there like.. the fuck is happening?

he remains dumbfounded as you begin to gather a crowd by your passionate playing style and does not collect himself until you’ve completed the song

the echo of applause is what snaps him out of his trance and he’s clapping the loudest

he makes his way over to you and snakes his arm around your waist 

“That’s MY girl everybody. Thank you thank you! Please come again!”

“Tetsu, we’re in a mall, please refrain from embarrassing us in public.”

that doesn’t stop that familiar smirk plastered on his goddamn face as he waves everybody off

“You did amazing. I never knew my baby could play like that. Sign me up with your teach because I need to get in with that.”

when you explain to him that you learned all on your own, he’s completely awestruck by you

you would think that he’s staring at an angel (which you are) and you have to shake him a little bit before you’re able to regain his attention

needless to say, Kuroo was hopping in his car to find you the best piano in town so he could hear the angelic sounds of your playing everyday

Miya Osamu

now, Osamu is not one to be easily impressed but oh boy, when he is? He’s IMPRESSEd impressed

you’ve just had a long night with the Miya twins at a piano bar at Atsumu’s request (yes they exist and I want to go to one so bad) and you’re raving about that one song Osamu and Atsumu sang to while they were dead drunk 

and the reason you were raving about it was because.. well 

30 minutes ago...

you were asking the pianist if you could take over for one song and fortunately, the pianist agrees 

Osamu is facepalming and Atsumu is jumping up and down, excited to see what you’ve got

but then Osamu hears the soft sound of the piano echo throughout the bar and you start to play the notes in crescendo and the increasing volume begins to hype up everybody in the bar

but Osamu, who could only stare up at you on centre stage with his saucer-shaped eyes just stood there

you let your body flow with the music and his eyes followed every move

maybe it was the alcohol or the adrenaline of the night but he found himself gliding up to one of the barstools near the piano and began to sing along to your playing

Atsumu is recording this of course and is singing along as well 

the song ran its course and everybody was cheering you on 

Osamu helps you down from the stage and he’s honestly speechless

“So... Samu what did you think of my performance?” 

you’re looking up at him with your adorable eyes and he couldn’t help but begin praising you 

“That wasn’t totally lame, y/n. I’d like for you to play for me again.”

“AHAHAHAH what do you mean “wasn’t totally lame”? you were literally singing your heart out up there. I have the whole thing recorded!” Atsumu interrupts

“Shut your trap. At least I didn’t have a voice crack every 2 beats.”

you’re laughing at the twins’ antics and hug them both 

Back to the present...

“So... should we go back and get him because he doesn’t have a ride home,” you say slowly

“no.”

Semi Eita

this beautiful boy was going off with his band to play at a gig and after you send him off, you’re getting a little bored

an hour has passed and you’ve completed your own work

you start humming one of Semi’s songs and make your way over to his piano

with the melody in mind, you start to run your fingers over the keys and play his song flawlessly

you’re so lost in the song that you don’t even notice your astonished boyfriend standing at the doorway 

he stands there and lets you play for bit more until he clears his throat to notify you of his presence

you immediately turn your attention to him and welcome him home

“W-where did you learn to play?”

you process that he saw you playing the piano and bashfully tell him that you’re self-taught

he’s honestly just more confused than ever

he completely loses his usual stoic demeanor and is praising you for your effortless performance

you start to explain to him how the piano has always fascinated you and how your family was never wealthy enough to pay for lessons so you just listened to CDs and watched concerts until you got the notes down

now he’s just impressed and a bit infuriated that you’re lowkey better than him at the piano 

but he offers to teach you how to read the sheets and that becomes a bonding activity for the two of you

he likes to constantly mention how shocked he is that he never realized that you’re musically gifted 

sometimes, you even join the band on their tours and offer assistance when it comes to tuning their instruments or accompanying them on the piano

[kenobion]

How to gif

Hey everybody! There has been some interest in me sharing a gif making tutorial with you all, so here it is! I hope you enjoy it! 💖

I use screen recordings for giffing, so in this tutorial we’re going to be working with a video, rather than screen caps or other methods. This tutorial is for Photoshop (version doesn’t matter, since all of these controls will be present). I happen to use CS5.1 though, and I work on a Mac. The experience should be similar on Windows, and equivalent processes/menus/etc should also be available in GIMP.

First, open your video from Photoshop.

Then from the menu choose Window -> Animation to get the animation panel open. Now we’re going to get this video ready to be giffed. I’m using a clip I took of an interview with Gwil that I used for a recent gif set, and hadn’t deleted yet so the file was handy. I have all of this video to gif conversion work saved as a Photoshop action, which I would recommend since this gets dull to repeat, but actions are beyond the scope here, so I’ll simply walk through the process step by step.

From the upper right corner of the animation panel, click the dropdown menu, then select “flatten frames into layers”.

Say yes if a dialogue box opens, then wait - it might take a moment depending on your computer. Notice that you now have lots of layers in the layer view.

Next, go back to the same animation menu, and select “convert to frame animation”. The initial view for a video is a timeline, and you’ll need to work with frames right now.

Next, also in the same menu, select “make frames from layers”. This will take those layers we generated before from the video and use them to create frames for us to use instead.

Now delete the first frame - you’ll see it has a ridiculously long duration. That’s just left over from the video and we don’t need it. Select it in the frame view, then hit the little trash can icon.

Bye-bye. It’s time to change the duration on the remaining frames. They all currently say zero and we don’t want that, we need some duration for them. Select all frames either from the animation menu, or by clicking the first frame, holding shift, then scrolling and clicking on the last frame.

With all frames select, click the down arrow next to any frame and choose “other” for the duration. I use 0.04, so type that into the box that pops up and hit ok.

We’re almost there! All you need to do now is resize the image. Go to the menu and select Image -> Image Size. Make sure the height and width are linked (with the little chain showing the line connecting the two dimensions) and you have bicubic selected for the image resampling (other resampling settings can cause undesired results).

I use 540px for full width gifs, so that’s what I’ll be using here. If you want half-size widths, go for 270px.

Now you’re ready to get coloring! When it comes to this part, it’s really up to your preference. There are many ways to do it and nothing’s necessarily the best. Just do what looks good to you. I’ll walk through what I do, and then you can use your best judgement for where you’d like to go from there.

In the layers panel, scroll up and select the highest layer. We’ll be adding some adjustment layers (Window -> Adjustments) on top.

I always begin with curves. Select the curves item in the adjustments panel. Curves are a way to adjust the dark/light balance of an image in a fine-tuned manner. There are some presets you can use, or you can drag the curve however you like to get your desired result. Upper right represents white, and lower left represents black. Gray values fall in the middle. I want to brighten this image, so I will click in the middle of the straight diagonal line and pull upwards.

Before:

After:

Now, I always up the vibrance. I like how it looks, and the result is less obvious than increasing saturation. Click the back button in the adjustments view and select vibrance.

I set it at +14, because that’s what seems to consistently produce a decent result. The colors pop a bit more now.

Now we’re going to tweak the color balance. Hit the back button in the adjustments menu again, and select the color balance item. This is where you can get into the nitty gritty of your image.

Color balance allows for not just overall color adjustment for the image, but separate color changes for shadows, highlights, and midtones. As you can see above, nothing has changed yet.

I always start by adjusting shadows first. This is less of a science and more of a ‘get it to look good by eyeballing it’ situation. Generally you want the items that are black to look black and the items that are white to look white, without a color cast on them, and peoples’ skin tones should look normal. In this image we have the black microphone, white shirt, and Gwil’s face, so we can adjust the shadows, highlights, and midtones based on those elements.

I like to start with shadows first - be sure to select the radio button for the one you want to work on.

This did darken the image a bit, but no worries. Highlights next.

And then on the midtones to finish it up.

Feel free to go back in and tweak any of the values you chose if you’re not happy with how all of the adjustments look together. This looks alright for our purposes though, so let’s move on.

In the adjustments panel, let’s add one more thing. Hit the back button and then select brightness/contrast. This image is looking a little muddy still, so let’s up the brightness and tweak the contrast to be higher so it feels really alive.

Much better. It looks like maybe you could be sitting there across from Gwil. Now that we have this masterpiece, it’s time to chop the frames down to a suitable length. This gif has 87 frames, which I find from general experience to be too long. I aim for about 70, but if a gif has a lot of action or a lot of color variety those both can increase the size, so you may need to decrease the frame count to 60 or even down to 50 (especially with big gifs). I’m sticking with the 3MB size limit for gifs, because I don’t care for the compression that happens otherwise, so these frame counts are based on that.

Select some frames in the animation panel and delete them - be sure to delete only from the beginning or end, and not in the middle, or your gif is going to skip like a scratched CD. Or broken record. Or something. You don’t want missing frames in between. The same thing with accidentally dragging frames out of order (which I have done).

I’m taking 20 off of the beginning of the gif for starters.

Now, in the animation menu select “convert to timeline”. We want that timeline back now, because it helps us see what the gif will end up looking like far better than the frame view, which plays the gifs with a lag. It’s easier to preview with the timeline, and you don’t have to worry about which frame you’re currently on etc etc.

In the layers menu, you will now see that some layers have an eye next to them, meaning they are visible, and some don’t. Delete all of the invisible layers. We want them gone so they don’t increase our file size upon save, and they’re only taking up room anyhow.

Next, select all of the layers of your gif except for the adjustment layers, then right click (option click) and select “convert to smart object”.

Now, with your new smart object selected, go on the menu to Filter -> Sharpen -> Smart Sharpen (you didn’t think I’d skip sharpening did you?).

This is what my smart sharpen settings look like, so feel free to copy them.

(Note the preview doesn’t show our adjustment layer work) Select ok - your image is now sharp!

I’m going to add a watermark at this point by using the text tool, typing my text, then moving it to the upper right and lowering its opacity. You can do that too if you like, or skip it if you don’t want to bother. 10pt size font is what I use.

We’re ready to save!

From the menu, go File -> Save for Web & Devices.

If you have saved a gif before you might have some settings saved (at the very top with ‘presets’), or you might want to make a new setting. This is what my save settings look like. Note that I created this setting by editing a no-dither gif preset Photoshop has, so I don’t apply dither to gifs. It does save some on the file size and I haven’t noticed any difference in quality.  

You’ll see in the lower left that my file size is still too big though - 3.6 won’t work if I want this to be an under 3MB gif. I’ll delete some frames and come back to this screen. The increase in brightness may be a culprit with this gif too, but I don’t want to change that, so I’ll simply remove frames.

This is small enough now. 2.6MB. Now select “forever” under looping options (otherwise your gif will stop after one go).

Now hit save if your gif is at the size you want, and choose a name for it, and viola! Gif complete!

If your gif is still too large, you can go back and delete some frames, as I did, or you can change your coloring to be less bright or have less contrast. Generally I think people don’t mind if your gif is shorter as long as it looks good, so I would prioritize appearance over duration. Gif making can be frustrating, especially when you’re fighting with file sizes, but in the end it’s all worth it to make something people will enjoy. 💖

I hope you found this tutorial informative and enjoyable! If it helped you out, perhaps spare a reblog to share the love!

[maitranslations]

[ENG Translation] =LOVE Takamatsu Hitomi - HUSTLEPRESS interview (2020.10.12)

“Appearing in their personal clothes!” Serialization part 1 - Takamatsu Hitomi

Note 1: It is her first interview with HUSTLEPRESS since her return.

Note 2: There are bound to have mistakes so I apologize for any errors.

Switching from lazing around at home to deciding to return took one day.

--Upon returning, how did it felt at the dressing room waiting to perform for the 3rd anniversary concert in September? It felt the same as last year, the usual.

--It was your first stage in one year, were you nervous? Nope. I have always been the type who doesn't get nervous. But on the actual day, time was tight, and we all had to get whatever we need to confirm right into our heads. So when I saw Sashihara (Rino)-san from the stage during the rehearsal, I got nervous.

--During the preparation lesson, you find the choreography for 'CAMEO' which was released during your hiatus, difficult that you cried even though you rarely do...... I heard this story from Sasaki Maika-san's radio show on YouTube. It was difficult, or rather, I didn't know the choreography when we were working on the 12-people version, so I was supposed to learn it while doing it with everyone else. But then I didn't know the choreography plus I had no idea where my position was, I was like, "This is impossible after all. I'm sorry."

--During your hiatus, you were "at home almost everyday" so what did you do at home? Nothing (laughs). For one year, I was sooo out of it (laughs).

--Did you watch Ikorabu (=LOVE)'s activities? Yes. From my perspective, Ikorabu has become more and more popular and famous, and I think that's great.

--At some point, did you go into "I can't wait to return" mode? I had the feeling of "I will definitely return" ever since I went into hiatus, but there were days where I couldn't think like that. During those days, I tried not to force myself to think that "I must return".

--During your hiatus, Sashihara-san commented, "I want you to have a wonderful experience that you could only have while you're on break". Did you get such experience? I wanted to, but because of the self-restraint period (Note 3: most likely referring to the ‘lockdown’ period due to COVID), I didn't go anywhere, and I hardly did anything. At most, I met up with my friends from my hometown in October when I started my hiatus.

--Hitomi-san, you like movies, right? Did you watched all sorts of films? I watched quite a lot on streaming services.

--Did you watched whatever movies that was on "Recommended"? I searched for what I want to watch. I watched a lot of Japanese movies, but what I looked forward to every week wasn't a movie nor drama, but "Gout Temps Nouveau 2". It broadcasts every Wednesday, I hardly can wait every week (laughs).

--To that extent huh (laughs). The casting of the guests is superb, I never get bored because I get to listen to opinions of different people each time, and I love that the talks are interesting. Topics about romance are a lot, so there are some things that I don't understand. I even went for the public recording (laughs).

--You bought a ticket normally? I applied for it. I was close to the stage, the casts were all so beautiful.

--Hasegawa Kyoko-san, Tanaka Minami-san, Takizawa Karen-san, and Nishino Nanase-san, right? Their talking ability were so great that I was overwhelmed.

--Anyways, it seems that you decided to return 2 months before the 3rd anniversary concert, were you able to immediately switch your life and mind back? Yes. I called and talked to a staff a while back. All this while I was just lazing around, but my life completely changed in one day. I thought I should do my best that I switched really quickly.

--Perhaps your mind got into the "it's about time" mode. I did get into it, but I couldn't take any actions with my feelings alone. When I needed someone to push me, I felt like I got it.

--Did you devote yourself into self-training for dance? I did some self-training, and had a one-to-one lesson with the teacher to sort of help me recall the steps for everything from '=LOVE'. In case I might have forgotten.

--So even when you didn't dance for so long, your body still remembers? There were times where I went "huh?", but I'm fine.

--Do you feel different now compared to before you were on hiatus, and when you made your debut? I think so. I feel much more positive than ever.

--We would like to ask you about the theme, "Whatever moves you has a meaning" for this interview. Hitomi-san, is there anything that moved you recently? The moment I saw the audience during the 3rd anniversary concert, I got really excited. It went straight to my heart too, I could feel it pounding hard. It's been a while since I felt that, I knew it I would feel nervous, but I was so happy.

--Were the audience cheering louder than you expected? The audience weren't allowed to let out their voices, but when my name first appeared on the screen, I could feel everyone let out a "Woahhhh!".

--Were you touched that during your hiatus, Oba Hana-san made a flipbook-like animation of you dancing to '=LOVE' in the ending card for the official YouTube channel?   I was so touched. I only got to know it as a surprise when I watched the video, so I immediately texted "Thank you" to Hana-chan on LINE. She was still working on the drawings at that time, so she told me, "I'll do my best".

--Did you watched it when it was completed? It was perfect. The animation is so cute, it does feel like Hana-chan's work. I was also happy that she drew me with a ponytail.

--What is the most impressive thing that happened in your life so far? At our first stage in 2017 at TIF, where we performed outdoor at a very large venue, two of my friends came down to watch us while wearing cooling pads. They screamed my name, "Hitomi-!".

--They didn't tell you beforehand? They were like, "We might come down". They were right in front among the audience, so I was like, "EHHHH!?". One of them came all the way from Hokkaido. I remembered being so happy that it gave me the energy, so I was able to work even harder.

--Looking at the other Ikorabu members, anyone impressed you? After being on hiatus for a year, I started looking at Ikorabu in an objective manner, and I realized the effort everyone put in behind the scenes. Especially (Takiwaki) Shoko-chan and Hana-chan. I didn't go and watch their performances during my hiatus, I only listened to the songs from their CDs. Listening to their live singing for the first time since my return, I realized they really improved. When I asked them, "What did you do?", they told me they went for voice training, and sang a lot. I'm so impressed.

--Okay, any food that left you a good impression? I'm into eating imo-kenpi recently. Also, I started cooking for myself every day ever since I decided to return. I was like, "Eh? This is delicious!" loudly when I tried the sesame soymilk noodles that I made (laughs). I was so impressed by how delicious it was then.

--Is the cooking of high difficulty? It was rather easy to make. I just looked at the recipe and made it, and the spiciness and seasoning was just how I like it.

--Do you usually cook before this? Not at all.

--No wonder you got burned while cooking. I got burned at two areas. Both times were when I was trying to take something while using the frying pan, it hit my arm and burned me (laughs).

--In the first place, what's the link between returning and cooking for yourself? I didn't take 3 meals a day before this, I ate and went to bed whenever I want, to the point where I became pretty chubby (laughs). I felt like I need to lose weight before I return, so I started cooking healthy meals for myself.

--So you completely changed your eating habits. I did a complete 180 degrees change. I eat a lot for breakfast because I get hungry, I basically skipped lunch for two months, and eat light food such as fish for dinner.

--2 meals a day huh. I was often told that if I'm going to have 2 meals anyways, it is better to have breakfast and lunch, but I can't hold my hunger in at night. I still can tolerate not eating lunch, so I choose to eat breakfast and dinner.

--Have you ever been moved from looking at beautiful sceneries? I can see the sky from my room, so during my hiatus in January, February and March, I often get to see beautiful sunsets that were like pink and light blue. Whenever I open the curtain and watch the sunset. I feel soothed.

--Hitomi-san, you will be turning 20 at the beginning of the new year, right? I used to feel like I still want to stay in my teens, but recently I want to turn 20 as soon as possible. There are more members who are legal to drink, so I can't wait to mix around with them.

--You will be able to do more things. There are various places I feel like going, but with the situation right now, it's hard. Thinking about it now, I really should have gone when I was still on hiatus (laughs).

--What kind of places do you want to go? Overseas. Like Taiwan or Italy. I was planning to go to Italy with my mother and older sister, but we couldn't go abroad at that time, so it got cancelled. We did talk like, "We should use the money supposedly for the overseas trip to go somewhere within the country", but couldn't go anywhere eventually due to country being in a state of emergency.

--What do you look for if you could go? I want to eat authentic pizza and pasta in Italy, I want to eat while walking around the night market in Taiwan. I would look for food if I could go (laughs).

--You are waiting for the day to be able to go...... right? It is precisely at this time that we, =LOVE, would like to be given more chances to make everyone happy.

[amysubmits]

I’m kinda just wondering how you started off on tumbler making your long posts? I really love your writing, I’ve always kinda wanted to do that but I felt weird putting my feelings out there. Did you just start doing it? How did it begin?

I wanted to blog for a few months (maybe more like six months?) before I did. It took me a while to find the courage. I felt weird about sharing my feelings or stories too. I sort of thought...why would anyone else care about my relationship? I’m just some random girl, you know? But there were some other D/s blogs that basically shared diary or “slice of life” type blog posts and I really liked them and of course they’re just regular people too. 

CD made his blog and did a blog post to try to help me feel more comfortable with taking this step because he knew I wanted to but was scared. So I saw that he did a post and didn’t die so then I posted one the next day. It took like half a day but someone with a small-ish blog at the time gave it a like and followed me so I was no longer 100% talking to myself, haha. So I did another and yeah just kept going. After a couple of posts someone reached out via DM to say they could relate to my posts and was happy I was blogging which was a big confidence boost. Someone told me about SCCWriting and encouraged me to use that to help more people see my posts so I did that and started slowly growing and just kept making new blog posts as I had things happen that I felt like sharing or thought of stories from our past that I wanted to share. About two months in or so dwpreturns reblogged from me and I got like 100+ new followers over night so then I really felt like I wasn’t just talking to myself. It’s still a little odd that people care about my life? But people really do like seeing ordinary D/s stuff. I know that I love following blogs that just share everyday D/s stuff that I can relate to. Before I started writing I wasn’t sure people would be able to relate to me because my D/s style wasn’t super similar to other bloggers that I saw at the time and it was easier to see ways I didn’t fit in vs the ways I did, I guess? I was still not really very confident in seeing us as D/s as opposed to domestic discipline and there weren’t really any other D/s blogs that seemed to strongly identify as DD so I thought ehhh we’re kinda D/s but kinda this DD thing which most people haven’t heard of so maybe we won’t be welcomed in? But we were. So if you feel like your d/s is a little unique or different...don’t let that hold you back. I used to see D/s as sort of having a handful of categories and none of them fit CD and I really well so I felt like we were just misfits. But I now realize that it’s really not a handful of categories it’s really more of a variety than that... I almost want to say spectrum but that isn’t really true because that implies there is just a range when it’s really more that everyone mixes and matches different things. 

So my advice is definitely to just share what you feel like sharing and keep going. Posting about fairly ‘ordinary’ stuff can still be interesting to people. Stuff that is only subtly D/s can still interest people too. I didn’t share my mini posts (that I tag with #anecdote) for a long time after I started blogging as I felt like I needed to have something really worth saying in a blog post in order for it to be worth posting...but there are anecdotes I’ve shared that I probably would have forgotten about by now if I hadn’t written them. So I’m glad I’ve sort of preserved them as memories that way now. If you post something you really like and it doesn’t do well, try not to over-analyze it. My most popular post is one I don’t love and some that mean a lot to me have basically flopped compared to others. It takes a while to get off the ground and get some followers and I suspect it takes longer now that Tumblr search is so wonky. But i’d still recommend using #sccwriting and #d/s and whatever else might apply to your posts to help others find you via search. Also using some sort of tag for your own original content can help you to find it later. For example I use #writing on my long posts and #anecdotes on my short posts and that makes it possible for me to just point people to

https://amysubmits.tumblr.com/tagged/writing 

if they want to browse my original writing and skip over my reblogs. Any tag that you use will create a URL like that. 

I hope this helps! I hope you decide to start blogging and love it. I’d love to see more people sharing, it’s been pretty quiet for a while. 

[authoratmidnight]

Aiballship + 39?

...because time’s run out.

how dare you

ya’ll want me to suffer apparently

The world was ending. Of that Ai was certain.

It had started when they created and programmed SOLtis for war, gave them the capacity to kill. No one was quite sure what went wrong.

Some said a virus corrupted the systems and made them unable to distinguish friend from foe. Some said a skilled hacker took control of them and changed the programming. The most popular theory was just a ‘robotic uprising’ one.

But whatever the case, the world was ending and SOLtis were enemy number one.

Ai groaned as he leaned against the broken wall, one arm wrapped around his middle as oil and grease leaked out through the tears in his synthetic flesh.

His other hand clutched a bag tightly, a bag weighed down with bandages and gauze.

‘Come on, I can’t break down now, I have to get back to Yusaku, he needs me,’ he thought. His limbs were already stiff and beginning to seize up from lack of repair, and loss of the grease and oil that kept him functioning was not helping things.

He hesitated for a bit, listening to the roaring sounds of explosions and gun fire in the distance.

Ever since the SOLtis had turned they had become enemy number one, and that included Ai. He wanted to part ways with Yusaku, that way at least he would be safe. But Yusaku was having none of it, Ai was his partner and his friend, he wasn’t about to leave the only tie to his life he had left.

So they stuck together, even though it meant that finding decent shelter, food and care was that much harder.

As the sounds died down Ai started off again, he needed to get back to their safe house, to help Yusaku.

Despite his best efforts to protect Yusaku he had still gotten injured, wounded when an explosion went off nearby. Ai had done his best to bind the wounds, but it still needed constant dressing and care, which was why Ai had dared to leave him to go in search of some fresh dressing. He just seemed to keep bleeding through what they had.

As he ran he could feel his legs shaking and growing harder to move, sticking every couple of steps. Damn if only he’d been more careful. He’d almost been caught and had been shot at as he ran to escape, in the process a large blast had ripped a hole in his side.

‘Yusaku’s gonna chew me out for sure,’ he thought with a weak laugh. ‘He’s always telling me to be careful and not be stupid.’

His foot caught on a rock and he stumbled, crashing to the ground with a thud as his limbs chose that moment to stick and refuse to respond. Ai groaned and brought a hand to his head, now his vision was beginning to glitch out too, the focus slipping in and out.

‘I wonder if I can die, stuck in this body,’ he wondered as he forced himself to his knees. Transferring to another SOLtis was an option by trying to find a blank one was nearly impossible what with them all being destroyed. And with the network down he couldn’t hop into it or a duel disk.

‘I know I said A.I don’t pray but, please, if there is a god, if one is listening, please, just let me make it back to Yusaku,’ he thought, struggling to his feet.

Fighting stiff limbs and blurry vision he staggered back to the place they had been holing up, the only place they could be safe.

“Yusaku?” he asked, voice soft as he peered in. “Are you awake?”

“Ai?” His weak voice sounded from the other room and Ai felt a flicker of hope in his chest.

“I’m back-I found-I brought bandages for you,” he said. “Now we can patch you up.” He dragged himself through the rooms to the small bed where Yusaku lay. Or at least he was supposed to be laying, as he had been when Ai left.. He had also been sleeping.

Now he was awake, sitting up and had removed most of his bandages.

“Ah! Yu-yu-yu-yu-Yusaku!” he exclaimed, covering his mouth abruptly. Now his speech was skipping, like a scratched CD or broken record. That couldn’t be a good sign.

“Ai? Is everything alright?” asked Yusaku. “What happened to you?”

“It’s n-nothing,” he said, dropping the bandages on the bed beside Yusaku. “Why are you-did you,” he gestured to Yusaku and his wounds.

“They were itchy and sore and tight.”

“Yeah to k-keep your insides, inside,” said Ai, hands shaking as he reached for Yusaku. “Let me fix you up.”

"I can do it,” said Yusaku, placing his hands on Ai’s as he reached for the bandages. “You need to look after yourself. What happened to you?”

“It’s nothing,” said Ai, pressing a hand to his forehead. Damn it, his vision was slipping again. Was this what it was like to be dizzy? “Just a small tear, it’s fine.”

“No it’s not,” said Yusaku, one hand moving to brush over the injury and coming away covered in black oil. “You’re leaking oil and grease everywhere.”

“And you’re leaking, human juices,” he retorted.

“It’s called blood,” replied Yusaku with a hoarse laugh, the first time he’d laughed for a while.

They sat in silence, Ai on the floor as he could not longer stand, while Yusaku worked to bandage himself up, Ai’s movements too slow and jerky to do it.

“Yusaku I don’t....I don’t think I’ll be able to go any farther,” said Ai finally. “I’m b-b-b-breaking down. You’ll have to g-go on without me.”

Yusaku was quiet, flinching as he touched his side, trying to wrap another bandage around himself. The wound was so deep that he wasn’t even sure that the bandages were doing much for him. Clenching his teeth in pain he stood up, sliding off the bed and moving to sit in Ai’s lap and looping his arms around Ai’s neck.

“I don’t know how much time I have left either Ai,” said Yusaku, leaning against his shoulder. “I think this wound is, deeper than we thought. I feel so tired Ai. I don’t think I’m going to be going anywhere either.”

“Yusaku! You can’t!”

“I don’t think I get a say in this Ai,” said Yusaku. “So can you, stay with me please? Till the end? I don’t want to be alone. Dying alone, the thought scares me.”

“Of, of course Yusaku. But you’re not going to die, you’re going to be fine,” said Ai.

“You don’t need to lie Ai,” said Yusaku, pressing his forehead to Ai’s, tears glistening in his green eyes and hands tangling in Ai’s hair. “I love you Ai, I love you so much.”

Ai trembled as he gently put his arms around Yusaku, careful not to touch the bandaged side. “Oh Yusaku...”

Yusaku leaned down and pressed their lips together and Ai was grateful that he could still feel things, Yusaku’s lips soft against his. He wasn’t sure he liked how cool Yusaku felt though, or how pale he looked. Just how much blood had he lost?

“Ai love you too,” murmured Ai against Yusaku’s lips as he kissed him back. If this really was to be their final moments together then he wanted to savour them as much as he could.

Carefully, and with great difficulty, he helped Yusaku back into bed before laying down beside him, linking their fingers together between them, his other arm draped carefully around Yusaku.

As the light in Ai’s eyes began to flicker and dim he leaned in so their foreheads were touching and gave Yusaku’s hand a squeeze. “I’ll stay with you as long as you want, as long as I can. I promise.”

Yusaku gave him a weak smile as his eyes fell closed.

“Thank you, Ai.”

[yeontanismypresident]

Our One and Only | 02

Pairing: BTS x Reader

Word count: 3.2k+

Summary: The members didn’t think they could be any more content than they were at the moment. They were getting to become known worldwide and have inspired a significant amount of other hybrids to follow their aspirations. However, when Y/n strolled into the room, they realized they could turn out to be quite a lot more satisfied.

Let me know in the comments if you want to be tagged! 💕

Prologue, 01, 02, 03, 04, 

Chapter Two 

Despite the fact that the line was long it still passed by fast. You couldn’t tell if it was because they were moving quick or because you were too caught up in talking to Hyuk. Before you knew it, it was Yuna’s turn to go down the line. She turned to you and tried to stay calm making you chuckle at her, “Go ahead Yuna, I’ll be right behind you.” She gave out a little squeal and turned back around and sat down in front of what seemed to be a wolf hybrid. You think he was the one Yuna called Namjoon? As she was talking to him, you saw him slowly start to get anxious, his hands shaking a little. You wonder what he could be nervous about? A staff member ushered her along after the five minutes had passed. She let a pout cross her face before it turned into an excited smile as she moved onto the next member.

You sat down in front of Namjoon, inhaling sharply when you looked into his eyes. His own eyes widened, his breathing picking up, his heart racing, hands sweating. He couldn’t stop looking at you, taking everything in, trying to memorize your face. A minute had passed, the two of you continuing to stare at each other. You could feel your face heat up as he kept gazing at you in what seemed to be happiness and love. Clearing your throat, you tore your eyes away from his, looking behind him, “Um, hi, I’m Y/n.” Hearing him repeat your name in a whisper did something to your heart, making it skip a beat. “I’m Namjoon,” he put his hand out for you to shake, and as you did so you felt what seemed like electricity running up your entire arm. You tried to suppress the shiver that ran down your spine, but Namjoon caught it, a smirk making its way onto his face. He intertwined your fingers together, “God you’re so beautiful.” Your eyes widened and you turned your gaze back to the side, a blush creeping up and warming your whole face. As your eyes meet another members gaze, your breath hitched causing you to choke slightly. You could see the guys eyes widen as he kept his stare on you instead of the fan in front of him.

Namjoon looked at you in concern and pat your back lightly, “Are you okay?” You nodded your head, tearing your eyes away from the bunny hybrid. He grabbed your CD and signed it quickly, grabbing your hand right after. The two of you discussed your favorite books for the remaining time left together. You swear you had heard a small whimper come from Namjoon when the staff told you to move on to meet the next member. Shaking the thought from your head, you gave him a slight smile and moved on.

 In front of you sat a red fox hybrid, who did not look as nervous as you were. In fact, he was far from looking nervous. He looked more excited than you and it slightly calmed you down. Similar to what had happened with Namjoon, you two stared at each other for a few minutes, not saying anything.

“Hi! I’m V but you can call me Taehyung! What’s your name Jagiya?” the big, boxy smile on his face was extremely infectious and caused a similar one to grace your face.

You couldn’t help but giggle at him, your face still a nice shade of red, “Y/n, it’s nice to meet you.” His face lit up at the sound of your giggle and voice, his smile becoming even bigger if that was possible. After he signed the CD, the two of you continued talking and laughing until it was time for you to move on. Though before you could scoot over, Taehyung grabbed your hand and kissed your knuckles lightly. With wide eyes and a bright blush on your cheeks you rushed to meet the others. How could these guys you’ve never paid any attention to make you all flustered and feel like a little school girl again?

“You’re so cute oh my gosh we’re going to be so close!” a golden retriever hybrid yelled out in excitement. You jumped in fright as you didn’t expect him to be so loud. You had heard that golden retriever hybrids were joyful and boisterous, but you didn’t actually believe it. Everyone turned their eyes on the two of you and you put your head down, not liking all the attention his outburst had gained.

He looked at you and let out a small whimper at the fact your face showed how uncomfortable you were. “I’m sorry! Please don’t be mad at me...” tears seemed to be welling up in his eyes as he shrunk in on himself. He didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable when around him. He would never be able to forgive himself if that was the case.

You looked up at him quickly and frantically spoke,”What? No! You’re fine I just don’t like it when a lot of people look at me is all…” You trailed off at the end not knowing what to say. Why were you so set on making him feel better? You didn’t even know him!

You hesitated before you slowly put your hand on top of his, “I’m sorry..please don’t be sad!” You really couldn’t stand to see him sad and you didn’t exactly know the reason why and it was beginning to bug you.

“It was my fault. I just got so excited to finally meet you!!” his pout fixed into a heart shaped smile and you would have been blown away by it if it wasn’t for what he had said.

You tilted your head to the side with furrowed eyebrows, “What do you mean excited to finally meet me?” He gazed at you with heart eyes, you looked so cute to him in that moment. Before he realized what he had said as he put his signature on the CD.

“I’m Hoseok but you can call me Hobi!” Hoseok quickly said, trying to make you forget his little slip up. You would have questioned him even further if it weren’t for the staff member telling you to move along.

You gave him one last look before sitting in the seat placed before a cat hybrid. He quickly signed your album, completely focused on getting his signature perfect with his shaking hand. You looked to the side, meeting the bunny hybrid’s gaze once again. You noticed the his eyes going wide and quickly looking away with a blush present on his cheeks.

You were brought out of your staring by a voice whispering in your ear, “Whatcha lookin at?” Completely started your head whipped around to face the man the voice belonged to. You were shocked to see your face extremely close to the hybrid’s own. He gasped lightly as he gazed into your eyes before trailing down to your lips. Your breath got caught in your throat as he leaned forward, his lips almost meeting yours before he let out a yelp. You pulled back instantly, your mind clearing up enough to notice him holding his leg and hissing at the man next to him.

“What was that for Hyung!?” the cat hybrid spoke, a slight growl heard in his words. His Hyung only shook his head and nodded back to you. He glared heatedly before his gaze softened as he met your eyes, “Hi! I’m Jimin and I’m a tabby cat hybrid! What’s your name cutie?” His voice was soft and you cooed at the way his tail was swaying slightly in excitement. As soon as he had heard the noise his ears twitched and he smiled so big his eyes became little crescents.

You giggled at him and let your eyes wander over his fluffy ears, “I’m Y/n..” You trailed off as you tried to stop staring at the appendages on top of his head.

“You can touch them..if you want that is! You don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable!” he spoke as a soft blush spread through his cheeks.

You let out a gasp, your voice raised in excitement, “Oh my gosh really? Can I really?” You absolutely adored cats and loved petting them, hearing them purr in the process, it always made you feel happy.

He nodded, as well as giggling some more, leaning over the table so you could have better access. You raised your hand, a huge grin present, and softly touched his twitching ears. His eyes fluttered shut and he relaxed as you scratched behind his ear lightly. A little laugh came from you as you could hear him begin purring. It was when his purring became loud, so loud that others looked your way, that you quit. Jimin’s eyes snapped open as soon as he felt your warm touch leave his head. If he didn’t have the ears and tail to prove he was a cat, you would have thought he was a dog hybrid by the way he pulled puppy dog eyes and a cute pout.

You shook your head and laughed lightly, “I have to go now. It was lovely to meet you and thanks for letting me touch your ears!” He bid you goodbye and watched as you moved over so the next fan could meet him.

The man who had kicked Jimin was staring back at you, and God was he beautiful. You couldn’t quite identify the hybrid type he was and he could tell, “I’m a hamster hybrid. I know it’s not that cool as the others…” He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. He didn’t want you to think of him as pathetic because he was an unusual hybrid species.

“Actually I love hamsters. They’re so cute and cuddly!” you let out with a reassuring smile. He reciprocated the smile and laughed. You stared at him in happiness, he had such a unique laugh.

He kissed your hand smoothly, ‘I’m Jin, and you are?” You blushed as your eyes widened. It seemed like all you could day today was blush.

“I’m Y/n,” your voice was tender as you tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. The time spent between you was filled with puns and dad jokes.

Your laughter slowly became quiet chuckling, “Okay Okay, how about this one? What do planets like to read?” You were sure he wouldn’t get this one, but he surprised you once again.

“Easy. It’s comet books!” his laugh, which you decided sounded like a windshield wiper, bellowed out and you joined in as well. You jokingly pouted as you were told to move on. You bid Jin farewell and sat down in front of the bunny hybrid.

His eyes had widened like they did earlier, his head ducking down so you couldn’t see him. You giggled and held a hand towards him, “Hi, I’m Y/n.”

“I-I’m Jungkook,” he gave you a bunny smile, you awed at him causing him to blush a darker shade of red.

You talked to him with a soft voice, “You’re a bunny hybrid right?” He nodded his head and as much as he wanted to make conversation with you, he was way too shy to talk without stuttering. So both of you just stared and smiled at each other, as if talking through the gaze. He signed your album quickly when the staff told you it was time to go.

“It was nice to meet you Kookie,” you spoke, watching as he grinned a bunny grin and uttering a goodbye.

Next you took the seat in front of the last member. You could tell he was of the feline species, but it was hard to tell which exact one he was. Although he was looking down, you could tell he had sharp eyes. His ears were pitch black and fluttered whenever a loud noise erupted from within the room.You subconsciously raised your hand and softly put it on top of his ears. His whole frame froze and you began to feel fear creeping up your bones as you heard a soft, threatening growl released from the back of his throat. You stopped breathing as a hand gripped your wrist tightly. Eyes watering from the pain, you tried to get out of his grasp, but he wouldn’t budge.

“Please...I’m sorry!” you cried out as the pain became too much.

You saw Hoseok stand up from your peripheral view, yelling out, “Yoongi! Let her go! You’re hurting her!” When Hoseok saw the tears about to fall, he growled and started towards your direction. However, he was stopped by their manager telling him to calm down. By now everyone was watching you and this ‘Yoongi’ guy to see what would happen.

Yoongi raised his gaze slowly before his eyes met yours. There was a hard glare on his face, a glare directed towards you. The tears started descending and you had no way to make them stop. You were terrified. You let out a quiet sob as your other hand, the one that wasn’t being tightly held, moved to cover your mouth so no more cries could come out. The one sound seemed to cause Yoongi to realize what he was doing. He was hurting you. His eyes widened in horror as he took in the scene before him. You were shaking, your eyes red from all the water in them, your cheeks covered with the trails of tears, your eyes filled with fear. Fear of him.

He let go of your wrist with a gasp, a bruise could be seen already forming on your delicate skin, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He repeated those words over and over as his own tears clouded his vision.

You sniffled and took your CD, that he hadn’t even gotten the chance to sign, and stood up from the chair, bowing deeply, “I’m sorry for disrespecting you sir.” You quickly walked away, wiping your cheeks hastily and sniffling.

“Wait please!” Yoongi called out for you desperately, but you were already standing next to Yuna.

You looked back and saw him standing up as if to reach out for you, but he sat back down once the person sitting in front of him cleared their throat. You looked at the fan, only to realize it was Hyuk, your boyfriend. Oh god how could you have been so stupid and forget he was there? Hyuk was next to you the whole time you were meeting the BTS members. He was there when you almost kissed one of them! You just hope he didn’t notice, but by the look on his face you knew that wasn’t the case. He was sat there talking heatedly with Yoongi. From where you were standing you could tell they were glaring at each other with hate.

“Aunt Y/n? Why were you crying?” Yuna’s voice sounded from your left, her tiny hand tugging at your shirt.

You didn’t have the heart to tell her one of the members from her favorite band had hurt her, “I was just so excited to meet the people you admire and my emotions got to be too much. Don’t worry sweetie.” She smiled up at you with glee that you liked them as much as she did.

“Let’s get to our seats. I’m tired from standing in that long line,” Hyuk said as he approached you. Even though he had a big smile on his face you could tell her was beyond annoyed and just wanted to go home.

As you guys were about to exit the fan-signing room, you were stopped by a female staff member, “Excuse me!” You all turned towards her and she gave you a smile, “You guys have been chosen to hang out with BTS backstage after the concert!”

“Can we Aunt Y/n! Pretty please!” Yuna quietly squealed, tugging at your shirt once again.

As much as you wanted to say no, she was your niece, “Of course we can Yuna.” She clapped her hands and you look at Hyuk to see him frowning. You prayed in your head that you could make it up to him later tonight. You did not want an angry Hyuk when you leave.

When you guys got to your seats, you gave Yuna your phone and turned to face Hyuk, “Are you okay baby?” Grabbing his hand, you ran your thumb over it calming him down slightly.

“No I’m not,” he was short with his answer, trying his hardest to not lash out on you.

You gulped hard, afraid to say it but you knew you had to, “Look, if this is because I almost kissed Jimin then I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to!” If you wanted him to not be mad at you, you had to be truthful no matter the consequences.

“Wait what? You almost kissed one of them!?” he had trouble keeping his voice quiet and you looked to make sure Yuna wasn’t hearing any of this. You didn’t want to ruin this experience for her.

Chuckling nervously you rubbed the back of your neck, “Uhh..you didn’t notice?” How could he have not noticed? You were right next to each other when it happened!

“I was too busy having a conversation about how that golden retriever hybrid thought I wasn’t good enough for you,” he spat as he glared at the stage where the BTS members would be performing soon.

You unknowingly rolled your eyes, “His name is Hoseok.” Hyuk looked at you with disbelief written on his face.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now Y/n? I just told you how he was saying we weren’t good for each other and all you can do is correct me on his name!?” His voice was raising fast and you looked around to make sure no one was paying attention to the two of you.

“I think we should have this conversation later at my apartment,” you took your hand out of his hold and put it on your lap, turning to face the stage.

Everyone around you started screaming as the lights dimmed and the ones on stage flashed. Seven figures appeared on the platform and the excitement rose to a greater level. As the concert progressed, you joined in on the fun, dancing around with Yuna. You didn’t notice the BTS member’s gazes on you, but Hyuk sure did. And it pissed him off. A lot.

By the time the concert had ended, you were tired and sweaty from all the jumping around. Expecting Yuna to be in the same state, you were shocked to see her even more excited than when the concert began. You were confused as to why until a security guard came over. You had completely forgot about hanging with them backstage. Anticipation ran through your body and it confused you. You shouldn’t be feeling this way, especially seeing as Hyuk was pissed at them. At how they mocked your relationship. These thoughts were rushing around in your head as the security guy led you three down a secluded hall. Stopping front of a door you could hear all of the boys laughing and joking around. Hyuk had his arms crossed, a scowl firm on his mouth, so you took the lead and knocked on the door softly.

It became quiet before a deep voice rang through the door, “Come in!”

Tag List: @child-ofthe-moon-and-leaves @chari-a @cjisluckycharm @huhuehuey @childfmoonn @i-am-canada-13 @jinsnena @eilowyneleyne @goldenkookss @2seokkyo @timberkat @lokathefemale @kpopgirlbtssvt @raja-in-demigodishness 

[july13th2004]

Always, Evermore

Kranna Week 2019 Day 6

Characters/Relationships: Kratos/Anna, Kranna, Lloyd Irving

Rating: T - For slight sensual themes

Genre: Romance/Fluff

Prompt: Always/Forever

Word Count: 1,573

Summary: Before the final battle with Mithos, Kratos visits Anna’s grave one last time. He falls asleep and dreams about the significant moments in their time shared together, and ultimately comes to an agreement regarding the answer to a question she once asked that keeps haunting him. Manga/OVA canon where everyone lives to fight in the final battle. 

Author’s Note: This might be sort of long because I have a few references, so if you want to just skip this and go straight to the story, the story will be after the break. 

About five years ago, I came across this song (skip to 1:25 for the song, unless you want to listen to some banter) by the frontman of one of my favorite bands. I immediately thought of Kranna, and it wasn’t until three years later that I would get to hear the studio version, and it was everything I wanted and more. Around that time, I was inspired to make a gifset based on the chorus of the song. So, I was heavily inspired by this song in order to write this one-shot, and I hope it’s more of an unique take on a songfic.

I would also like to credit this song for helping me get through some major writer’s block in order to write the majority of this story, there’s just something calming about it to me I guess. 

Parts of this were also inspired or loosely inspired by the drama CD ‘A long time ago’, particularly the track “To Protect”, or “The Ones I Must Protect”. You can read all of that here. You’ll probably notice that I use one quote a few times throughout the story. I also heavily relied on some of the material found in Kratos’ biography that was posted a few years ago.

Lastly, if you bought the Kratos zine by @moldy-mold, you might notice that I was inspired by the piece, ‘Forgiveness’ for a certain part of this story.

Now, without further ado, let’s move on with the story, which is after the break.

           “Always together? Always… Always…”

           It was a question that haunted him often, even when everything felt meaningless after her death; with his world having lost all its light and hope. A question in which he wasn’t sure if he agreed with the answer quite yet.

           Kratos knelt before Anna’s grave for what would be the final time, explaining to her how strong Lloyd, their son, had become. He missed her terribly still, hoping that someday he could join her in the afterlife, but that day would not arrive anytime soon; which was another lesson Lloyd taught him after their one on one battle a few days before.

           Noishe was curled up next to the gravestone, sleeping, and the protozoan’s presence gave him a fleeting sense of comfort from his current thoughts. Lloyd and the rest of the party had gone to bed hours ago, as it was around midnight, not aware that he was there. The next day, they would fight the final battle against Mithos, and he hoped they would allow him to join in one last time.

           Averting his eyes from her name on the gravestone and bowing his head, Kratos began to reminisce about a time long ago when the three, and eventually the four of them would travel around as if they were the only ones. He thought about the time where the four of them camped out one night in the middle of an open field and looked at the stars. Lloyd was sitting on his shoulders and pointing at various constellations in the sky, wondering what the names of each one was. He then recalled a conversation they had a few days later as they watched Lloyd playing and running around with Noishe, giggling and smiling all the while. Kratos had asked her why he looked so happy, and her response was that he realized that the world was pure and beautiful, a wonderful place to live. She was right, or so he felt at the time, simply because the two of them were alive and gave him a reason to keep going. The conversation ended with Anna asking the question that kept haunting him.

           “Always together? Always… Always…”

           He let out a small sigh as his head and back slumped against the grave and closed his eyes. Another memory taking place shortly after they got married flashed before him. They were curled up by a campfire on a chilly night out in the desert, with her in his arms and wrapped in a worn-out blanket. She was starting to fall asleep against his chest when she mumbled the next few words.

           “Forever mine, I’ll be forever yours…”

           He softly smiled and kissed the top of her head before leaning down to whisper in her ear and kiss her cheek.

           “Always, evermore…”

           They were married in a covert location by a member of the Desian Resistance group they were in communication with, and those words were some of their wedding vows.

           The following memory that appeared before him happened about year after the previous one. It took place following a night of intimacy on a cold night in November. They were inside an abandoned cabin with a fireplace and their own futon and blankets. The two were situated in front of the fireplace on the futon the next morning, with Kratos once again holding Anna in his arms. She leaned against his chest and looked up at him, giving him a wry but tired smile. He leaned down to whisper something to her.

           “Forever mine, I’ll be forever yours…”

           Her breath hitched and she closed her eyes, letting out a blissful sigh as he kissed her neck before tracing a few scars along her shoulder with rough kisses. Anna reached up to run her fingers through his auburn locks before responding.

           “Always, evermore…”

           She had always thought she wouldn’t be able to have children due to her experience at the ranch and the frequent illness caused by her Exsphere. Destiny would later prove her wrong.

           It was twilight when he jolted awake, unaware that he had fallen asleep. Lloyd and the others would be up in a few hours, and suddenly he felt a pain in his chest, as if something was missing. That something was her, and once again he felt himself missing her terribly, needing her. He closed his eyes once again, a tear beginning to trickle down one side of his face as he felt the spirit-like presence of her hands touching his face and lulling him into another dream, another memory.  

           This next memory would take place a few days after Lloyd was born in a Desian Resistance group hideout just outside of Izoold. There were complications from the birth, causing Anna to become ill and requiring bed rest. Kratos was scared he was going to lose her again, just like a time before they were married where she became gravely ill.

           He rushed into the room, and upon seeing that her eyes were open, and that she was sitting up in bed, frantically embraced her.

           “Kratos…?”

           She gave him a slightly worried look as his arms gently gripped her shoulders.

           “I thought I was going to lose you again,” He cleared his throat, referring to Lloyd, “That we were going to lose you.”

           “Oh, Kratos…” She gave him that gentle but knowing smile that she had whenever he worried about her.

           Anna cupped his cheek before leaning in to kiss him, hoping that would assuage some of his worry. He reciprocated before letting out a sigh of relief. She then softly held his face in her hands, her eyes boring into his as her visage turned serious.

           “Remember our wedding vows? No matter what happens to me I will always be with you and Lloyd. Forever mine, I’ll be forever yours…”

           Kratos gently placed his forehead against hers before replying.

           “Always, evermore…”

           Her positivity and determination under difficult or trying circumstances was one of the many things he loved about her. His strength, gentleness, and resolve to protect, along with his willingness to atone for his wrongdoings, were just a few of the things she loved about him.

           The final memory he would recall before waking would take place a few months after the previous one, when Lloyd was just a couple months old. A street artist in Palmacosta painted two small pictures of the three of them, which was Anna’s idea, though she wouldn’t tell him what she had planned for them. He wouldn’t understand until later what her plans were.

           “Kratos, I’m going out for a while. You don’t mind taking care of Lloyd while I’m gone?”

           Kratos, holding Lloyd, who was sound asleep, while sitting at the edge of their bed at the inn, looked up at her, his face stern and clearly worried.

           “Where are you going? How long are you going to be gone?”

           She gave him that gentle smile once again, noticing the worry written all over his face. He had been like that since even before they were married, worried that something might happen to her when she was out in public and he wasn’t there to protect her.

           “I won’t be gone very long, an hour at most. There’s just a little something I want to buy at one of the shops down the street from here.”

           He decided against inquiring further as she walked over and gave him a kiss on his forehead before leaning down to give Lloyd a kiss on his as well.

           Then she left, leaving him to his own devices, and came back about an hour later just like she promised. In her hand she held a small box and walked over towards the small bedside table where the portraits had been placed. He wordlessly watched her as she took out a gold pendant from the box and placed one of the portraits inside.

           “A locket?” He thought as his visage turned curious.

           “There!” She exclaimed as she held the locket towards him. “This is for you!”

           “Me? But why?”

           She sat down next to him on the side of their bed, unclasped the chain and placed it around his neck. Later on, she would put the other portrait inside the other locket, which was for her to wear.

           “Well, I thought that if anything happened to me and Lloyd, that you would have something tangible to remember us by. A reminder that we’ll always be with you, no matter what.”

           Kratos was visibly moved by the surprise gift from her.

           “Forever mine, I’ll be forever yours…” He murmured as he pulled her in for a kiss.

           Anna kissed his cheek before responding, “Always, evermore…”

           He woke up shortly after dawn, coming to the realization with that last dream that a part of her would always be with him, those memories would always be with him; and with Lloyd now in possession of the locket, a part of both of them would always be with him. He finally agreed with the answer to her question, the question that now no longer haunted him. She was right, no matter what, they would always be together.

           “Always together? Always… Always…”

                                                 Close your eyes

                                             And dream me home

                                   Forever mine, I’ll be forever yours

                                               I’ll be forever yours

                                               I’ll be forever yours

                                   Always, evermore, and on and on

                                   Always, evermore, and on and on

                                   Always, evermore, and on and on

                                                Always, evermore

[crayolacrayonhalloweenpacks]

Lo Stesso Tempo

Summary: Logan Berry and Roman Gold are equally ambitious and skilled pianists. Unfortunately, those ambitions are not necessarily compatible. Competition ensues.

Words: 6045

Notes: Alrighty! This is my first Sanders Sides fic, and the first fic I've ever posted in a public space, so please don't murder me if they're super out-of-character or some parts are super rushed or whatever. (Which they are, lmao.) But I really enjoyed writing this, so I decided to post it anyway, because that's the only way to ~grow~ and whatnot. Have a nice day! :)

Read on: Archive of Our Own, Wattpad

Ms. Anne Berry had always wanted to be a musician, and when she grew up without achieving her aspirations, turned to trying to raise one. In her childhood daydreams, she entered a shining hall, hung with crystal chandeliers and gold sconces. A stage was set before a sea of black velvet chairs, upon which hundreds of elegant aristocrats sat on the edge of their seats in anticipation. On the stage was a sleek black grand piano. She walked out to ear-splitting applause and cheering, but the audience hushed immediately, eager to watch the virtuoso at work, when she placed her hands upon the keys. Those dreams turned to dust as she aged. She attended law school, became an attorney, worked so tirelessly she never had time for music. In her new dreams, the baby in her womb grew up to play sold-out shows in those beautiful halls to hordes of admirers in her stead, so that she could at least be at peace with her former ambitions.

In that spirit, she had selected a wonderful name to encourage her future child’s musical inclination. It that of many great composers, graceful, and refined. Clunky, awkward, unexceptional Logan was not the name she would have chosen for her child, but her husband insisted on it. The Berrys had been bickering over this since they found out she was pregnant. It was practically routine.

Ms. Berry would list off notable musicians who bore her chosen name. (“All I’m saying is that it has a fantastic musical significance.”)

Mr. Berry would argue for his family’s honor. (“And Logan has a wonderful familial significance. My grandfather was a--”)

She would dismiss this argument every time but the first. (“Yes, yes,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “You’ve given me your little spiel already.)

He would point out what an absurd name it was. (“We cannot name our son Johann.”

“And why not?”

“Are you kidding? You’re going to get him bullied!”

“Johann is an excellent name. No one in their right mind would mock it.” “They’re kids!” Mr. Berry threw up his hands. “None of them are in their right minds!”)

Then the two would stalk off to their respective ends of the house and not speak to each other until dinner, upon which they would smile and nod politely as if nothing had happened.

~

The Golds went grocery shopping every week, just a walk to the store with a list of items they had to buy. Roman was in charge of keeping track of what they had in the cart. Tomatoes, check, chicken, check. He pointed out that it would be much easier to lug the bags back home if they took the car and didn’t have to carry all the bags, but his mama insisted it was barely half a mile, and besides, they had to get their steps in somehow.

It was a path they’d tread many times before, but this time, there was something unfamiliar in the way. Well, not in the way. Even though it was on the sidewalk, it was pushed near the entrance of the nearest shop, leaving a wide berth for pedestrians to pass by. It was new, nonetheless. Roman jabbed his mama’s arm. “Look!”

She glanced down, amused. “Yes?”

“Why is there a piano on the road?” He had only ever seen them in movies. They were huge, glossy black, and, according to his moms, expensive, so even though this one was brown wood and hardly in mint condition, he couldn’t fathom why it would be left out in the elements.

“It’s a public piano, darling,” explained his other mom. “There’s a music shop right here,” she said, pointing to a sign reading SANDERS MUSIC. “They’re probably the ones who put it out here. People just put them out in the open so anyone can play them.”

“Anyone?”

"Yes, anyone. Do you want to play?”

Roman’s eyes lit up. “Yeah!” He plopped down on the bench and pressed down on a key. Roman’s breath hitched. He pressed it again, just to listen to that sound. It sang out over the street like sunlight, bright and brassy and warm. He looked up at his moms.

His mama smiled. “Go on.”

He plunked the key below it, and then the one below that. His head shot up, and he replayed the keys, stuttering his way through “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. “Look, mom!”

“Lovely, Ro,” his mom said, ruffling his hair. He beamed.

"Hey, that was pretty neat!” A brunet man with multiple black cases strapped to his back and dangling off his arms jogged up to them. “You’re a natural.”

Roman rolled the word over in his head in delight. He was a natural. “Thank you!”

“Of course!” He held out a hand to his moms. “I’m Thomas. I own the shop.” His mom shook his hand. “The piano was a new idea my friend pitched, and I wasn’t sure about it at first, but it’s really been a hit so far!”

Roman jumped up from the bench. “You own the store?”

“Yep! Family business.”

“Mama, can we get a piano?”

She chuckled softly. “Honey, those are expensive.”

“How expensive? I have a lot of money saved.”

His mom smiled sadly. “A lot more than what’s in your piggy bank.”

"But I wanna learn!”

His mom flushed red and turned away from Thomas. “Those are expensive too, darling,” she explained.

Roman’s eyes stung. “How much--”

“A lot more than we can afford.”

Thomas cleared his throat. “Your moms are right,” he said when they looked over. “Lessons and pianos cost a lot of money. It’s not a decision to be made lightly. But,” he continued quickly when Roman’s face fell, “I teach group piano lessons at most schools in this area. If you want to go to our school for details, they can give you a registration form. Most are held after school hours, but it’s completely free.”

“Can I go?” Roman pleaded. “Please?”

“I don’t know--” his mom began.

His mama shushed her. “I think we’ll be doing that soon,” she said brightly. “Thank you so much for the information, Mr. Sanders.”

“Of course. Always happy to help.”

“Thank you.” His mom nodded after a moment, then took Roman with one hand and her wife with the other. “Let’s go get some bread, huh?”

Roman skipped all the way to the supermarket and back. He couldn’t wait for school to start.

~

There was a specific story his mom particularly enjoyed telling, and would to anyone who would listen, from relatives at dinner to total strangers in the audience. As she told it, while pregnant, she had purchased a CD of classical music off a website that proclaimed the amazing effects of prenatal musical immersion on later intelligence and academic performance. She played it daily against her belly. A few months later, Logan Johann Berry was born, and at the ripe young age of six, he began playing the piano, beginning his transformation into the gifted musician he was today.

His mom liked to leave out the part when every major news source in the country debunked the website’s claim and she was delivered a ten-dollar refund alongside a note of apology. Once, Logan had chimed in with this fact while his mother told the story to an audience member at one of his recitals and received nervous laughter and a death glare in return. He never attempted it again after the incident. He supposed it somewhat diminished the dramatic effect of the story.

Regardless, it was at this age, during the lesson, that he met Roman. His mother had enrolled him in the after-school program’s piano lessons as soon as she heard. The teacher, Mr. Sanders, had left briefly for the restroom. Before he left, he instructed them to practice playing a C scale using the method they learned--tucking under their thumbs to play F. Logan had already mastered this technique, but supposed a bit of practice couldn’t hurt.

Out of curiosity, he glanced over to the child seated in the middle of the bench and frowned. He had decided to play the first five notes with his left hand and the last three with his right, going against Mr. Sanders’s explicit instructions. “Hey,” he said, “You’re doing it wrong.”

The boy glanced over at him, shrugged, and played the scale again.

"No, like this,” he supplied helpfully, giving a short demonstration. C, D, E, tuck, F.

The other shrugged again.

Irritation growing, he pointed out, “You can’t do it like that, it makes no sense.”

“Yeah it does.”

“No, it doesn’t. What if you wanted to play two different things? You’d need one hand for both.”

“Maybe I have four hands,” he contested.

“Hey, guys, maybe--” the boy on the other end of the bench interrupted.

“No, you don’t.”

“Don’t be mean--”

“How do you know? You’ve never seen them.”

“Because you can’t have four hands, that’s not how people work!”

“Please, can we--”

“Maybe I’m not a person, then! Ooooooooh!” he said, wiggling his fingers.“Maybe I’m an alien!”

“That’s not what aliens say, that’s ghosts--”

“Whoa, whoa, okay!” Mr. Sanders stood between them, holding out his hands cautiously. “Let’s break it up, alright?”

Logan looked down, picking at the keys. “Sorry,” he muttered, but his gut was still boiling. He was just trying to help.

“Mr. Sanders?”

“Yes, Roman?”

“Is this right?” And he proceeded to play the scale in his completely, totally, utterly, infuriatingly wrong way, topped off with a triumphant sneer at Logan when he finished it. That halfwit. Logan dug his nails into the bench.

Mr. Sanders’s face twisted. “Well. That was certainly…”

The two boys looked at him expectantly.

“Well. Hm. And how are you doing?” He turned his attention to the child on the other end of the bench.

Logan grumbled. He was right! And he was just trying to help! Why wouldn’t Roman, or Dolan, or Rolan, or whatever his name was just take his advice when he was clearly the correct one?

The lesson ended, and the three children filed out to be picked up by their parents. On the drive home, his mom asked, “So how was it?”

"Good--”

“How were the other kids? Did you do well?”

“Better than the other boy. He wasn’t doing it right, and he didn’t even listen when I tried to help him!”

“Oh, really?” His mom was more than happy to commiserate, seeming positively ecstatic at the news of his classmate’s failure.

~

Roman practically floated off the stage as the next act was announced, unable to keep the triumphant beam off his face. He had killed his rendition of the Moonlight Sonata, chosen specifically to outdo Logan, who was always being praised for the beauty of his pieces. Well, see him try to beat a piece so lovely it reminded a critic of “moonlight on Lake Lucerne”. His moms and Mr. Sanders had thought it was pretty, too--they were all smiles while he practiced it on the piano in the music shop. And the whole audience applauded a little more enthusiastically after his performance, too. Certainly more than they had for the parrot trainer and that kid who had just hula-hooped for ten minutes straight. So, admittedly, the bar was low. But that meant he had just set it higher--so high that Logan couldn’t even dream of touching it with the barest brush of his hands. Actually, maybe he’d gotten some of the notes wrong--he hadn’t had lessons since a few years ago, before the after-school program was discontinued--but no one would be able to tell unless they’d memorized the whole piece. He was satisfied. That talent show trophy was his.

The act was dismissed to dim applause--some kid with an instrument that looked like a giant violin? How weird--and Logan started heading to the stage. Roman clapped slowly, not bothering to stifle a sneer when Logan passed by his chair. What was going to upstage the Moonlight Sonata? His precious scales couldn’t help him now. The announcer told the audience the name of the piece he was playing, and Roman’s smirk widened. What on Earth was “Shoe-bert” and his impromptus? More like Snooze-bert.

Logan began playing and the audience fell silent. He laughed quietly, earning himself a jab in the ribs from his neighbor. This was Logan’s piece? It barely had anything beyond a basic melody! And there was so much repetition--had he learned anything beyond a couple lines? Anyone could play that. He leaned back in his chair. And here he’d thought he’d get more of a fight. Then, his eyes widened and he nearly fell off his seat.

What-- How was-- It couldn’t be. Was Logan playing a two-against-three rhythm? It was so difficult! Whenever Roman tried to do that, his right hand kept trying to catch up to his left and he would end up with a mess of ugly, clashing notes. Roman could never get that right. Never. But apparently Logan could. He ground his teeth. Before he knew it, Logan’s performance was over. He smirked back at Roman as he walked past.

Roman’s heart dropped even lower when the winner was announced. Hint: he got a participation award.

~

Roman was a high-school heartbreaker, although not in the traditional sense. At his last performance, he got the entire audience bawling into their neighbors’ shoulders. He played with incredible expression, drawing tears of joy and sorrow alike from his listeners, filling them with every emotion possible, from anger to flights of fanciful passion.When Logan played, people just clapped. He hated Roman for it, but there was a sliver of him--which he shoved safely into the back of his brain, because Mom always said he couldn’t afford distractions--that admired it. Logan’s strength was in technique. He had spent countless hours studying Czerny and Hanon, scribbling reminders on all of his pieces, drilling even the shortest measures ruthlessly if he felt there was the tiniest imperfection. It would have to be enough. It had to. There was only one pianist spot in the entire orchestra, and Logan was determined to claim it as his own. His mom had done nothing but encourage his hard work, and the look in her eyes when he told her he wanted to play for the orchestra was so bright he feared his whole world might go dark if it disappeared.

He happened to be directly after Roman in the audition order. Roman eyed him up and down as he approached. “What are you doing here, oper-awful?”

He rolled his eyes. “That makes no sense. I don’t even sing.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Auditioning, like you. Although, on second thought, hopefully nothing like you. I don’t want to play remotely like the guy who’s probably going to try to “Moonlight Sonata” the judges to death again.”

“Is that so, Moz-fart?”

“How juvenile.”

The doors swung open. The student who had just auditioned was smiling broadly until he saw the two death-glaring at each other. “Um. How are we?”

Roman sniffed haughtily. “Well, I’d better get in. Don’t want to be late.”

“Good luck!” the boy called. He turned to Logan as he walked down the hallway. “And to you too!”

Roman disappeared behind the double doors of the audition room, but not before Logan caught a glimpse of his piece. “Papillons.” A common nickname for one of Chopin’s etudes--a rather easy one, at that. Sure, choosing Chopin was playing to his strengths, but Logan thought he’d play something more difficult. Not that he was complaining.

He peered in through the window, and it was only then he realized that what Roman was playing looked nothing like the etude. His stomach twisted and he ducked away from the window. Of course it was the other Papillons--the notoriously difficult piece by Schumann, so difficult that some parts as short as a few measures were learned as separate pieces. Roman came out two minutes later. “How’s that for juvenile?” He brushed off his shoulder. Logan didn’t respond. “Good luck. You might need it.”

Logan lied to his mom for the rest of the year.

~

The New York State Musician’s Association’s annual charity recital was about the great cause they were fundraising for--bringing music education to more schools. And of course Roman cared about that! How could he not? Having a proper music education certainly would have helped in his endeavors as a pianist. However, it was undeniably also about victory, and glory, and basking in the light of the aforementioned. He, like every other reasonable musician in the room, was vying for the Junior Musician Recognition Award, the most prestigious music award for high school students in the tri-state area. The orchestra position was fantastic, as was passing the audition and performing at the recital, period and he was wholly glad he’d earned those opportunities. But this was something to finally prove his talent, the central gem in his crown of achievements. And the fact that he could lord it over Logan didn’t hurt, either.

Logan was the current performer, playing something Roman didn’t recognize. The audience whispered to each other in hushed, pointing out a particularly good bit. He rolled his eyes. Wasn’t speaking during a performance supposed to be rude? He poked the contestant--excuse him, performer--next to him, a Victor or something who went to his high school. Roman distantly recalled him playing cello in the back of the orchestra. “What do you think of that guy?”

Victor jumped. “W-what?”

“What do you think?”

“I--who are you?”

“Roman? The orchestra pianist?” he said impatiently.

“Oh. Yeah.” He glanced at the stage. “He’s good. Is that Bach?”

“Yeah,” he snapped.

Victor raised his eyebrows. “Whoa, dude, chill. I was just asking.”

Roman closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. I’m in my happy place. I’m in my happy place… “Right. Sorry,” he muttered and turned back to the performance.

“Well, what about you?”

“Pardon?”

“Do you think he’s good?”

Roman looked back to the stage. Logan’s posture was perfectly straight, elbows perfectly out, every note perfectly hit. The longer he watched, the more impressed he was. Ugh. His playing was technically flawless. His fingers flowed over the keys as easily as water. Every movement was deliberate but delicate, gliding like a figure skater. He made everything he played look elegant and effortless. Maybe, Roman realized, that was why he had always underestimated him. What had really gone into making the masterpiece before him? How devoted was Logan to his craft that he had this kind of skill?

“Well?” Victor prompted.

"He’s fine,” Roman spat, a bit louder than he intended.

Victor cringed when the people sitting behind them glared. “Sorry,” he whispered.

“He’s fine,” he said, lowering his voice. “Just. Fine.”

The piece concluded with a final chord and he bowed, catching Roman’s gaze across the room. Roman suddenly became very invested in adjusting the buttons of his shirt.

Logan was not fine. He was good. He was a good musician. Really good. Great, even. And also… He swallowed, biting the inside of his cheek. He’d studied his piece for so long. Even if he wasn’t as talented as Logan, at least he could fake it with his hard work. His effort had to mean something. It couldn’t be for naught.

His turn was approaching. He adjusted his buttons shakily, hands damp and clammy, and made his way up to the stage. The crowd applauded politely. The announcer was calling his name and piece. The stage was empty, the keys  alien on his fingertips, unwelcoming and cold as ice. He shook his head, trying to focus. Focus. It would not be for naught.

Well.

He admitted it to himself.

And also, Logan was better than him.

~

Logan was still swooning from the adrenaline. He was certain he’d messed up the trills--his hands kept slipping off the keys, and his heart thundered faster just thinking of it. But there was no use worrying about that now. He took a deep breath and glanced over at his parents. His mom was grinning broadly,  nudging the person next to her, mouthing “That was my son!” He exhaled. It was done. Finally.

The boy next to him seemed even more anxious, bouncing his leg and fidgeting with the edges of his blazer and his tie. “Are you alright?” he asked.

The boy looked over and gave a nervous chuckle, wiping his forehead. “I’m going next so… Whoo. Stage jitters.” His eyes lit up with recognition. “Hey, don’t we go to the same school?” He stuck out his hand. “Patton Baker.”

He shook it. Patton’s hand was damp, and Logan tried to wipe it on his pants discreetly after he let go. “Logan Berry.” He frowned. They were supposed to perform in alphabetical order. “Shouldn’t you have gone already?”

“Oh, no. I’m doing a duet, and my partner’s all the way over there.” He pointed down the aisle.

“Neat. What are you playing?”

“Oh, just a little--hey! Isn’t that the orchestra pianist?”

Roman was onstage. Logan’s gut clenched. “Yeah.”

“Is that Chopin?”

Yes, it was. One of his waltzes--A-flat major, if he wasn’t mistaken. Roman evoked joy perfectly, of course. But he didn’t look the part--actually, he looked rather downcast. Logan always thought he just played what he felt, but that couldn’t possibly be what was happening here. Now he realized how well thought-out his interpretations were, down to the most minute detail. Roman played with skillful subtlety. The tactful shift between staccato and legato, delicately plucked highs and elongated lows evoked grand, golden, glowing joy perfectly. Even when he was miserable, Roman was happier than Logan had ever been. Logan never stood a chance next to someone like him.

~

All the musicians had performed, but Roman hadn’t paid attention to any of them. He’d been too busy wrestling with the thought. Logan was better than him. He imagined Logan snickering with the other orchestra kids after tricking Roman into thinking he had even an ounce of talent, watching him parade around and brag while knowing the whole time what an absolute moron he was. His eyes stung. His heart sank.

"Folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for!”

Roman glanced up.

“All of the young musicians here tonight are extraordinarily talented, and we celebrate that with the Junior Musician Recognition Award!”

Applause.

The announcer cleared his throat. “This award is given annually to one student or performing group to celebrate those who have shown themselves to be valuable members of their musical communities as well as exceptional artists.”

Roman tried to hone in on what the announcer was saying but just slumped back into his seat. Come on, Roman! Isn’t this what you’ve been working for? This was what he wanted. A chance to prove he belonged here with everyone else, that his relentless dedication had paid off somehow. But he couldn’t bring himself to feel like he had before.

~

Valuable members of their communities. Logan would have laughed if he wasn’t afraid of disturbing the anticipating hush that had fallen over the crowd. All his music was just him, holed up in his room, ignoring everyone else so he could...what? So he could keep his mom happy? So he could have a reason to feel superior to everyone else? He didn’t think he qualified as a team player.

~

And what if he got the award? How would that feel? He wanted to get out of the room and never have to know the answer. He was afraid the award would make him feel exactly what he had wanted it to.

~

How much of this was because he enjoyed it? There was a time when he loved music, right? Wasn’t there?

~

He was also afraid of feeling nothing. That everything really would have been for naught.

~

“Would Patton Baker and Virgil Grayson please come to the stage?”

He clapped as Patton, a surprised but ecstatic grin on his face, joined Virgil on the stage to accept their certificates. The audience applauded, and then they were dismissed.

When he got home, he took a step back to examine himself. He felt...fine. He wasn’t upset about the award. He was worried about his mom, though. The car ride home had been spent in silence. He tried to glimpse how she was doing, but each facial feature had been carefully schooled to stony neutrality the whole way. Other than that, he felt oddly calm. Relieved, even. He collapsed on the bed, trying to bury himself in the mattress.

He thought about the piano against the wall of his bedroom. His mom had bought it when he was ten and proved that it would be worth the investment. The piano, new sheet music, lessons, audition fees--it all felt like she was giving a gift to herself. He had always wanted to put a bookshelf there.

What he had thought earlier. That there was a time when he had loved the piano. If he dug deep inside himself, he could find what something that resembled it--the satisfaction of a perfect run-through, the intense concentration that overtook him while learning a piece, the relief that came with the end of a recital or the ecstatic look on his mom’s face after he played. Piano was just another part of his routine. He couldn’t find so much as an ounce of himself that played just for playing’s sake.

~

The most talking they got to was arguing during an audition. They never had a proper, civil conversation until a few days after the recital. A knock came at the door while Roman was wrapping up his practice. He got up from the bench and opened it. “Oh. Hi.”

Logan nodded. “Hello. Um, can I come in?”

“Uh--”

“I-if you don’t, I understand completely. I wouldn’t like for my practice to be interrupted either, I just didn’t know where to find you, but the sign on the door outside said this room was reserved for you, so I figured I may as well take my chances.”

“I was going to say sure.”

“Oh.”

A moment passed before Roman stepped to the side. “Come on in.”

Logan closed the door and seated himself at a desk near the piano. Roman faced him. “What’s up?”

“I…” Roman saw his throat move as he swallowed. “We’ve never spoken.”

“Yeah…”

“And I just wanted to say. You were really good. You are really good, actually. Duets aside, you were the best person there.”

Roman scanned him for any sign of snark, but he seemed genuine. “Oh.”

“No, w-wait.” He took a deep breath. “Your technique is good. But your dedication and love for your music really shines through. You just...blow life into everything you play. I can’t imagine how meticulous you are.”

“I… Oh.”

“Actually, how did you go about learning the Papillons a couple years ago? That was very impressive. I’ve never tried to learn them, but I’ve been meaning to.”

Roman straightened. He could talk music. This was much more familiar territory. “I just picked a couple pages to learn,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“Seriously? That’s it? No other tricks or methods?”

“If there are such things, I don’t know them.”

“Really? None of that? Your teacher didn’t teach you how to drill a piece?”

“I don’t have an instructor.”

His jaw dropped. “You’re self-taught?”

“The last lesson I took was that program in elementary school.”

“Wow.” He stared at Roman, wide-eyed and quiet.

“I just practice a lot, I guess.”

“Do you usually do that here?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes. When the room isn’t available, I usually go down to this music shop. The owner lets me use the piano there.”

“That’s incredible, Roman,” he said softly. “Sincerely.”

Roman’s face flushed with heat, and he looked away, chuckling. “Well, you’re not bad yourself.”

“Thank you.”

“No problemo.” He stuck out a hand.

He raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to give you a handshake.”

“Why?”

“You seem like the handshake type. Now. C’mon.”

He rolled his eyes but shook his hand. “Anyway, I’m glad that Patton and Virgil got the award. I’ve seen them perform together before the recital. They’re quite a duo.”

He braced himself, but the mention of the recital didn't hurt him like he expected it to. His loss wasn't nearly as harrowing as he'd expected. After giving up on being better than Logan, it ceased to matter to him, but even now that he was feeling better, it didn't affect him. A part of him was even glad to have avoided the potential conflict after Patton and Victor-- He gasped. “Virgil!”

“What?”

“I just remembered, I’ve been calling him Victor for a year!”

Logan snorted. “And he never noticed?”

“I guess not? I should apologize!”

“Yes, you should,” Logan snorted.

Roman grinned. “You know, we could be quite a duo as well. With your talent and my dashing good looks, we’d be unstoppable.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, you’re talented--” he began.

Roman had already stood up, striking a dramatic pose that sent Logan into another laughing fit. “Maybe that’s why the universe made us rivals. Our combined gifts would be too powerful.”

“Rivals? I wouldn’t go as far as that, there are tons of pianists at this school.”

“But how many are on par with you and I? The brightest of our age?” Roman tucked his sheet music under his arm.

“I--I can’t say I know,” he stuttered as he was tugged to his feet. “Quite a pair we’d make,” he mused.

“Dynamic!” Roman punched a fist in the air.

“Vivace,” he suggested.

“That doesn’t alliterate.”

Logan laughed, and Roman along with him. Maybe he wasn’t so bad after all. And he could use someone to talk music with.

~

It became a regular occurrence for Logan to visit after school while Roman was practicing. However, Roman didn’t always practice in the same location. After walking a few blocks, they entered Sanders Music, the bell on the door dinging brightly. Logan glanced around. It would have been small to begin with, but the instruments and accessories adorning the walls furthered that effect. He watched his surroundings warily and stepped gingerly, hoping with all of his pounding heart he didn’t knock something over. His mother would not be happy if she had to pay a damage fine. Despite the worry-inducing surroundings, Roman strode in, spun around, and, with a flourish of his hand, announced “Welcome to the birthplace of my musical career.” What a place to begin. “It’s…” He hesitated, trying to pick through his words carefully.

Roman rolled his eyes fondly, clapping him on the back. “I know it’s cramped. And a bit stuffy. And probably not as fancy as what most musicians are used to, but this is really a place of magic. The kind of magic that turns a clueless little boy with nothing but fantasies of being extraordinary”--he placed a hand over his heart--“into a man with ambition and skill. Plus, Mr. Sanders is super chill.”

“Wait.” The name sounded familiar. Logan scoured his memory for it. “Mr. Sanders from elementary school?”

“Indeed!”

“Oh, no.”

He frowned. “What? Did I say--”

“No, no, it’s not you. I was just...absolutely insufferable as a child.”

"Technically, you’re still a child.”

"I suppose I could still be insufferable now and not know it. Am I?”

“A little.”

“Thanks."

“No problemo, andanti-nerd.”

“That wasn’t one of your better ones.”

“It certainly wasn’t,” he agreed. Roman pulled out the piano bench, sat, and rummaged through his bookbag, presumably for his sheet music. “So, what’re you learning now?”

“Me?” Logan said.

“I don’t see anyone else here.”

“Well, I haven’t really decided on a piece,” he admitted. “I think my mom’s still really upset after I didn’t...you know. With the award. So I’m trying to find something she’ll think more impressive and appropriate for a performance of that magnitude.”

“What do you want to play?”

His stomach twisted. “What do you mean?”

Roman looked at him, deadpan, and stopped rustling his papers. “As in, what have you heard lately and thought, ‘Hey, that’s cool, I want to play it’?”

He looked away and shrugged, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

He raised an eyebrow. “Alright,” he said, and resumed, shuffling his sheet music and placing it on the stand. “Okay. You’re really into technical stuff, right? You seem like the type.”

“I guess?”

“So what’s your practice situation like?” He barely disguised a chuckle, turning his head away to face the piano. “Do you have, like, a schedule? A timer so you can make sure you do exactly an hour, or whatever? I bet you don’t move around as much as I do.”

“I guess not,” he muttered, picking at a loose string on his shirt. “My piano is in my room, so I stay pretty stationary.”

Roman’s jaw dropped. “You have a piano in your bedroom?”

“Yeah. Against one of the walls.”

His jaw dropped even further and gasped, reeling back. “You what? Nobody puts a grand piano in the corner!”

“Baby grand.”

“Regardless! I can’t believe you have an actual piano and you just...shove it in a spot like that.” His voice was tinged with bitterness. “Totally ruins the acoustics.”

“I...suppose.” Logan knew the physics of sound, but to be honest, ruining the acoustics had never really crossed his mind. Maybe he just didn’t care enough to realize that would be an effect. He took a deep breath, leaning against the wall for support. “Can I tell you something?” he said quietly.

“Sure.” His irritation softened.

“I don’t...I don’t believe I want to continue playing.”

“Whoa, what? Is this because of that stupid recital?” Roman stood up, his sheets swept off the stand in his wake. “Because you should know, they totally got that wrong. You were by far the best person there. I don’t see how--”

“No, it’s not--it’s not that. I just...I don’t know.” He sighed, glaring at the floor. “I don’t really...like. It. That much.”

“Then why would you do it for so long?”

“I… I don’t know.”

Roman gave him a knowing look.

“I--I guess. My mom. She really wanted me to…” He trailed off. He hated stuttering, how unsure he was of his words.

“Seriously, is it the award? Because you have serious talent, and it would be so wasteful to just throw it away like that--”

“No!” It came out louder than he intended. Roman flinched. He took a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m--sorry. I just… I don’t know. Why do you play?”

“What?”

“Why do you play?” he repeated.

Roman blew out a long exhale. “I guess...I love it, but it’s not just that. It’s like a part of my identity. If someone took that away from me, I don’t know what I would be.”

Logan stared at the ceiling. “I don’t feel that way. I don’t think I ever have.”

“Oh,” he said softly.

He nodded.

“What’s your mom going to say?”

“I don’t know.” He hadn’t thought that far. “I don’t think I’m going to break it to her yet. What with the recital having happened so recently, it wouldn’t be an ideal situation.”

“Well. Whatever you decide, I...support you.” He leaned over awkwardly and patted Logan on the shoulder. “You’re actually pretty cool when you’re not, you know, roasting my taste in music--”

“Gee, thanks.”

“--and you’ll continue being really cool without the piano. It’s not a part of you. You don’t need it to be anything. You’re just...really good on your own.”

Logan swallowed thickly. His eyes stung, and he willed himself to hold back tears. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Roman smiled warmly. Logan's lips curved in response.

It was impossible for Logan to know what would come next. How his mother would react, whether or not he and Roman could be friends given their history. But for now, it was nice to be here, enjoying the company of someone who was willing to move at his same pace.

[thebluestsunshine]

You Will Burn pt. 5 (semi-finale)

pt. I / pt. II / pt. III / pt. IV word count: 3000+ notes: ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o) are you guys ready?

You go through the next few weeks in a fog. Nines came by daily to check on you, often bringing by things he thought might help, things that really you didn’t need but appreciated none the less like soup, blankets, and even a CD that he thought you might enjoy. Every gesture was offered with a casual sort of air, no strings attached, and you appreciated it more than you could say. He helped to distract you from what happened with Connor, and was even there for you the few times you broke down into tears.

“Why would he do something like that? Why wasn’t I enough?” You sobbed to him one evening, hunched forward with the balls of your palms pressing harshly against your eyes. He grabbed your wrists, gentle but firm, and pulled your hands away, turning you to face him with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. His expression was serious, silver eyes burning and narrowed as he spoke.

“You are enough. You are more than enough, and he’s a fool for not seeing that.”

His words only made you cry more, leaning into his chest and sobbing against his turtleneck while he stroked your back. You didn’t catch him smiling to himself.

Eventually, you went back to work. Everyone seemed to buy the excuse that you were out with a bad flu, Nines even lying for you which you quietly thanked him for in passing. Connor seemed different by the time you returned. He looked tired even though he didn’t need to sleep, worn and like there was a weight on his shoulders that even Atlas himself couldn’t hold. Good, you thought bitterly for a split moment while your gaze lingered on his profile from across the precinct, before flinching at the thought. You were still upset. You were still hurt, and angry, and that night still burned white-hot and fresh in your mind, but...you would be lying if you said you didn’t want to talk to him. Didn’t want to get the whole story from him.

You stayed away though, at least for the time being. Between work and Nines insisting on taking you out for lunches and even after work at times—”It’s important for you to stay positive,” he kept saying—you didn’t really have the time to talk to Connor anyway. You did, however, notice him staring at you whenever you would come out of the morgue. You noticed his longing gaze, the sorrowful downturn of his lips. You’re certain if you dared to check, his thirium pump would be thudding heavily just from looking at you. Before, such thoughts would have torn you apart, knowing he was in so much pain. For the time being though, you just couldn’t let yourself care.

“Something is troubling you.” Nines spoke up smoothly, walking arm-in-arm with you down the sidewalk one evening after work. He had taken to walking you home each night. It wasn’t necessary, but it was rather nice. He made a sound at the back of his throat, a sort of hum, pushing you to speak up. You shook your head, gaze focused on the sidewalk as you walked.

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. Tell me?” He asked, silver eyes focused entirely on you and you alone, making your cheeks flush lightly. Everything about Nines was so intense, like standing next to a fire, the flames just waiting to burn you. You cleared your throat.

“I’ve just...been thinking.” You answered slowly, unsure on how to proceed. Nines didn’t like Connor, that much was obvious, and you weren’t really his biggest fan either at the moment, but something about Nines’ disdain for the other RK model seemed deeper. You couldn’t really explain it.

“About Connor.” He didn’t phrase it like a question because he knew, and the drop of his tone and shifting of his attention away from you made you wince.

“I’m sorry, it’s just—” Nines stopped suddenly, making you stop as well. He shook his head as he turned to face you.

“You need to stop letting him get inside your head, (Name). Don’t you remember what he did to you?” The question made you grimace, both because of course you remembered and because thinking about it all made your stomach twist in painful knots.

“Well, yeah, of course, but—”

“Then why do you keep letting him hurt you? You’re better off without him. Right?” You didn’t answer immediately and his eyes narrowed, still burning, while his tone grew sharp.

“Right?” He repeated.

You couldn’t answer that. You looked away, feeling ashamed as you heard Nines let out a quiet and frustrated sigh. “You’ll see in time.” He muttered before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. The gesture made you shiver, eyes closing for a moment. When he pulled away and you heard his steps growing distant, you finally looked up, watching his frame walk away back towards the precinct. You couldn’t explain why you didn’t just immediately despise Connor, why you couldn’t let go of him so easily.

Something just seemed...off, about the whole situation. You decided, while standing on the sidewalk, the sensation of Nines’ lips pressing against your head still lingering, that you would get your answers the next day, no matter what. You needed them.

The next day came and you headed into work earlier than necessary, far earlier, before everyone else except for one person specifically; Connor. Nines had started staying with Detective Reed, something that surprised you until you learned through some office gossip that it was because he and Connor had been getting nearly physical with one another before you returned to work. Connor wasn’t going to stop coming into work early, he took his job more seriously than anyone else at the precinct, so the chief decided it was best that Nines not go into work until someone else, specifically Hank or Gavin, were there to make sure nothing happened.

Connor was sitting at his desk, focused on filling out a report it looked like. He still looked weighed down and sullen. If he could, you would have expected to see bags under those beautiful brown eyes of his. You shook your head. Now wasn’t the time for thinking about his eyes. Now was the time for you to demand answers, without anyone else interfering. Taking a deep breath, you approached his desk, trying to give off the air of someone who knew what they wanted. Did you really though?

When Connor heard your steps, his head turned, eyes widening in surprise and lips parting as you stopped to stand beside his desk. For a moment, he simply gawked up at you, fluttering those same brown eyes of his.

“(Name),” He breathed and for a moment, you thought your heart might skip. You pushed those feelings down though, biting the inside of your cheek.

“We need to talk.” He looked even more taken back but nodded slowly, rising from his desk. Leading the way, the two of you went down into the archives, where it was private and quiet and no one was going to hear you both. You stood a couple of feet away from him, an obvious distance between you two. He stared at you, fingers fidgeting and rubbing one another at his sides. His brows furrowed.

“What did you wish to talk about?” He asked finally. You weren’t sure where to start, and it showed as you stared back at him, expression conflicted. It wasn’t long before you let out a heavy sigh.

“(Name)?” He urged gently. Always gentle, always warm. You shook your head.

“Why?” You finally blurted out. He seemed to know immediately what you were talking about, judging by the way his LED spun yellow and his lips formed a line.

“I told you, that wasn’t me.” “Then prove it.” You demanded, trying desperately to remain calm. If he was serious about that having been Nines pretending to be Connor, about Nines supposedly having tied him up in the basement of the precinct, then he needed to prove it.

“I can show you my records of that day.” “You could have doctored them.” “I wouldn’t do that.” He defended, voice tight, speaking a little sharper. You scoffed.

“Yeah, and I didn’t think you would have sex with some random intern but—”

“I told you I would never do that!” He spoke up louder, LED red as he stepped towards you. You instinctively stepped back, brows furrowing. That seemed to be enough for him to deflate, LED slowly returning blue, expression defeated.

“I—I would never, do anything to hurt you, (Name). Ever. I just want a chance to prove that to you.” He asked desperately, a foreign note of exhaustion behind his words. You eyed him carefully, your own hands beginning to clench and unclench into fists at your sides as you pondered. Connor used to be a great liar, before he deviated. It was his job to be charming, smooth, to get answers and results no matter what. You knew that.

You also knew that he wasn’t lying, not in that last declaration anyway.

Chewing on your bottom lip, you finally exhaled through your nose. “Okay, Connor. I’m listening.” He looked relieved and stepped closer to you.

He explained it all, or tried to at least. He showed you how easy it was for androids to change features of their appearance. He demonstrated by changing his eyes that were normally brown and warm and soft, into a familiar shade of molten silver. You said that while that explained the eyes, it didn’t immediately make Connor innocent and Nines guilty. Connor actually groaned in frustration at that, blinking away the silver colour as he did so.

“Why would Nines do that though, Connor? What does he have to gain?” You asked, finally stepping closer to him, confusion evident in your voice.

“You. He wants you, (Name).” He spoke with such confidence, yet you still found that hard to believe, fluttering your eyes in surprise before rolling them. Connor wasn’t having it though.

“Do you not find it the least bit strange that all of a sudden, after we have this problem, he starts doing all of these things for you? Going to your apartment with gifts, taking you out to lunch, walking you home?”

You had to admit, that it all was rather sudden. Nines never showed any interest in you before, other than occasionally staring at you, something that you always wrote off as not a big deal. You shook your head once more, a hand reaching up to run through your hair. “Okay, fine, but I can’t honestly believe that he would do something so...so disgusting, just to be with me.”

“I can.” Connor answered earnestly. He was standing close to you now, closer than he had been since that night, a mere breath away. Your heart skipped in your chest finally and you stared up at him, cheeks burning first.

“Why’s that?” You asked quietly, gazing up at him. He hesitated for a moment before slowly lifting his hand, letting it press feather-light against your cheek. You couldn’t help but let your head tilt into his touch. God, you missed it so much.

“Because you are worth it and so, so much more.” His words were thick with emotion, heavy and soft and so warm you felt that burning sensation spread through your whole body. He wasn’t like Nines. Instead of a raging fire, Connor was like sunshine. He was warmth and comfort and home. You felt tears well up in your eyes, closing them as you stepped away. He looked on, pain evident in his features.

“I—I want to believe you Connor. I really, really do, but...but I need proof. I can’t—” You swallowed thickly, barely holding in a sob as you wiped away the tears beginning to spill down your cheeks.

“You can’t risk being hurt again. I understand.” And that was the great thing about Connor. He was always understanding. You couldn’t help but draw a comparison to Nines the night before, who instead of being understanding of your grief and confusion, became frustrated that you weren’t immediately bending his way.

“So, then...what do we do?” You asked, clearing your throat, it having grown thick at the prospect of tears. Connor contemplated for a moment, LED spinning yellow in thought as he began to slowly pace his way around the spacious room. He stopped suddenly, eyes lighting up and a big smile spreading across his face.

“I’m an idiot.” He declared, making you blink and scoff, raising a brow.

“I mean, okay, but I don’t see how that—”

“No! I mean, I can prove to you that it wasn’t me. I may be able to remove memories, but I can’t add false ones.” He explained, almost giddy as he stepped closer once more. You furrowed your brows, not really getting where he was going at.

“Nines held me captive down in the basement. He took my jacket and then went upstairs to have coitus with the intern Mich—” You wrinkled your nose and held up your palms quickly, urging him to get to the point.

“Right, sorry. My point is, he also came back downstairs afterwards, to gloat. I managed to get free and attacked him, before I ran to your apartment.” Your eyes widened in shock.

“You attacked him?” You asked and he rolled his eyes quickly.

“You’ll see why, come on.” He grabbed your hand suddenly and started pulling you through the archive room, down the hall and into one of the small offices where a large monitor hung on the wall. You let him, heart beginning to pound with anticipation. He didn’t let go of your hand even as he closed the office door and approached the monitor. Connor didn’t even need to hit a button or anything to turn the screen on, using that special android connection he had with seemingly all technology to flicker the black monitor to life, flooding the room with white light. You squinted, eyes adjusting. After a moment, the white bled into an image.

You watched, hand still holding Connor’s, eyes focused intently on the screen.

You watched through Connor’s eyes as he went about his evening at the precinct that night. He was speeding it up, obviously not interested in you watching him do paperwork or research on the case at the time.

You watched as Nines came into the main area of the precinct from the archive room, claiming to need Connor’s help with something. Connor obliged.

You watched as Connor followed Nines down into the archives, and then down into the basement, all the while trying to figure out exactly what the other man wanted.

You watched, in horror, as Nines struck Connor, sending warnings flooding through Connor’s vision. Your heart raced and your grip on Connor’s hand tightened.

You watched as Nines wrestled with Connor before finally restraining him in a chair.

You watched Nines put on Connor’s jacket, and you watched as Connor spent the next however long struggling to try and get free from the bindings Nines had used. They were reinforced, made specifically to restrain androids it seemed. Finally, Nines entered the basement again.

“What did you do?” Connor hissed, pulling at the restraints around his wrists, eyes burning as he glared at his counterpart. “What I needed to.” Nines answered smoothly, fixing his hair and his clothes, fixing Connor with an icy stare of his own, a sickening grin spreading across his lips. “You won’t get away with this!” Connor snapped, baring his teeth, continuing to yank and pull against his restraints. Nines laughed, only pushing him further as he stepped closer. “Oh, but that is where you are wrong. You just need to wait and s—” Before Nines could finish, Connor’s right arm came from, a fist smashing harshly into the side of his successor’s skull. Warnings flashed red in Nines’ vision as he fell to the floor, letting out a noise of disapproval as he slowly began to get up. Before he could, Connor was free and grabbing him again, slamming his knuckles hard into Nines’ face once, twice, three times until it was covered in blue blood and Nines was left in a heap on the floor in the basement. “You, Nines, are the one who’s wrong.”

The screen went black again, and it was then that you realised how tightly you were squeezing Connor’s hand, and how tears were pouring down your cheeks. He was telling the truth. He had been telling the truth that whole time and you had just screamed at him, snapped at him, treated him terribly. You told him you hated him.

“Connor, I’m—” You sputtered, breath catching as you turned to look at him, eyes wide and desperate. He smiled, of all things, he smiled at you with warmth and love and wrapped you up into a tight embrace.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry!” You sobbed, burying your face into his chest, gripping onto him for dear life. He rocked you gently and pet the back of your head.

“It’s okay.” He repeated. You shook your head.

“I never should have doubted you, I-I should have listened, I don’t deserve—”

“(Name).” Connor interrupted you, voice soft but firm as he tilted your head back with his thumb and index finger.

“No matter what, you are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I will always, always love you.” He leaned in then, and as his lips pressed warmly against yours, burning, you finally felt better. Everything felt right in that kiss, your watery eyes fluttering closed as you kissed him back. It evolved from soft and tender to deep, passionate, aching. You both had missed each other so much, more than you had ever admitted to yourself. When you finally pulled away, both of your faces were flushed while you softly panted for air. For a moment, you both just stared up at one another, content.

Then, you remembered. You remembered Nines and his lies, his false kindness, his deception, the agony he had put you through. Your face twisted into anger and Connor looked worried, brows creased.

“(Name)?” He asked softly, worried that somehow he had made you angry. You grit your teeth.

“We need to do something. He can’t get away with this.” You hissed, trembling with your newfound rage. Connor’s expression of concerned melted into something sharp and cold, and he nodded, pulling you back in for a hug while his chin rested on the top of your head.

“And he won’t. We won’t let him.”

[anagentinwriting]

To Catch a Thief - Part 4

Summary: Being an FBI field agent was your dream job but having been stuck behind a desk for most of your career you’ve almost given up. Fortunately, a series of robberies with minimal evidence forces you to assist a team in the field to help solve the case. But when the only thing left behind is a series of song lyrics, will you be able to find the perp? Or will the number of obstacles and lack of evidence keep you from solving the case?

Pairing: Peter Quill x Reader

Word Count: 2429

Warnings: Swearing

To Catch a Thief Masterlist / Main Masterlist

“The same hologram system used in Vegas was used here, too,” Gamora informed. “The Norway police told us the case the Space Stone necklace was in was supposed to be the most secure in the world, but it's not anymore. The case has bulletproof glass and sensors running every which way. There is also a metal box below it where the necklace is stored at night, so no one ever needs to touch it. SL must be good at picking locks or has a tool that can break into anything.  One thing's for sure, SL must have friends in high places to get him equipment in a foreign country.”

“No kidding.”

“And the museum still has no idea when this happened,” Kraglin added. “They only realized it was missing when the hologram shut off and underneath it was a paper with lyrics on it. We figure the theft happened three days before since it took that long for the hologram from Vegas to trigger off.”

“What were the lyrics this time?” You asked as Kraglin handed you a picture of the paper with the lyrics on it.

It’s magic you know

Never believe, it’s not so

It's magic, you know

            Sorry, SL

“Do you recognize these lyrics at all, music expert?” Gamora asked with a hopeful smirk.

“No, it's a little vague, but I’ll do some digging. Do you have any idea how he did this?”

“Magic, according to him,” Kraglin insinuated, making you and Gamora shake your heads. “It’s crazy how Harry Houdini died from getting punched in the stomach, but I guess, later it was found out he had acute appendicitis. He may have been one of the best escapologists, but no one can escape death.” You narrowed your eyes at him. How did he know the randomest things and share these things at the most inconvenient times?

“Interesting Kraglin, really, but there’s no such thing as magic,” Gamora declared. “We need to try and figure out a plausible way for how he managed to do this."

“Abracadabra,” Kraglin chimed in, twiddling his fingers in the air.

Kraglin and Gamora got to work looking over the evidence the Norway police sent over by email. Kraglin would be flying out later this afternoon to collect anything physical he could find and bring it back to further examine it.

You sat in your chair listening to the song Magic by Pilot after doing a Google search on the lyrics.  From your understanding, it’s a happy cheerful song.  It’s about loving life and not taking every day for granted. It’s short and to the point. SL could've forgiven himself for doing the things he did in his past, and instead of dwelling on them any further he's moving on. He was finally looking to better days ahead of him, and you were happy for him. Both his last songs were uplifting and this one seems like he’s happier.

“Find anything, YN?”

“I did and last night Luis gave me some insights as well…” You filled them in on what you found out from Luis and what you were thinking with the new song lyrics.

Gamora wanted you to search the database for anything related to Space-Legend or Star-Leader while she got Kraglin ready for his trip. But like always you found nothing on the names. Then, you remembered SL exposed a few companies a couple years ago. You ran a search, but without the company names, it would be hard to narrow down the long endless list related to the mistreatment of animals.

SL had to of committed previous crimes before this, but with no leads you needed to move on to something else. With Gamora watching the Vegas footage, you started on the two months worth of camera footage the Norway museum sent over.

“Peter, why is this even a discussion Faithfully by Journey beats their song Separate Ways.  It’s no competition.” After getting locked out of your apartment a couple weeks ago, you and Peter struck up this weird friendship. He has his issues, but he’s a nice guy even though you have petty arguments over music and movies.

“What? Are you crazy?  Separate ways is so much deeper than you are making it out to be,” Peter argued, making his voice rise a bit higher.

“How? Faithfully is how love should be. It proves that even though the distance and the problems are putting a strain on their relationship, he will always fight to make it work because he loves her.”

“I agree, 100 percent. But, hear me out, Separate Ways is more realistic. I mean, a guy falls in love with a girl that thinks she’s unworthy of love, whether it's from a bad past relationship or whatever, but the dude understands this.  He tells her someday she’ll be able to love, and he hopes that one night they touched will get her to come back to him. But, even though he tried his best to show his love is real, he knows she will never feel worthy of it.  All he wants is for her to be happy, even if it's not with him.”

“I'm done having this discussion, but if you ask me it sounds like you have experienced this first hand.”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m right and your wrong.  So, how is your case coming?” Peter ignored your comment by covering it up with a quick question.  He walked to the fridge to grab another beer, but before he closed it he peeked over at you silently asking if you wanted one.  You nodded as he pulled out another one for you.

“I'm afraid that's classified.”

“Still? Wow! It’s almost like the FBI is keeping this under wraps and away from the public, huh?”

You narrowed your eyes grabbing the beer from his hand.  Why did he always insist on asking you about your case? Was he curious or did he want to help?  To keep things safe you decided to stick with a one-word answer.

“Sure! Back to my previous topic, who broke your heart? Was it a high school sweetheart? A friend with benefits ordeal gone array?”

“What makes you think someone broke my heart? My heart is rock solid like my body.” He plopped down in his usual spot on the couch, staring at the coffee table.

“Rocks are breakable with enough force.” You took the seat next to him, setting your beer on the coffee table.

“Smartass,” he sighed, taking a swig of his beer. “If you must know, there was this one girl, Beeret, we were dating all through high school.  She was a super cool and amazing painter.  We both claimed to be in love, but before she left for college, she broke up with me.  She didn't want to try the long distance relationship thing since it never works. She wanted me to forget about her and move on. She told me she’d always love me but she didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“What? Who wouldn’t want to be with you? Any woman would be lucky to have you,” you blurted out, feeling your face begin to heat up as your palms started to tingle. Your eyes moved to your beer bottle on the table, before returning to Peter.

“You'd be surprised,” he said, keeping his eyes on yours.  

“Hmm, that's why you don't like Journey's Faithfully." He shrugged with one shoulder. "At least this explains why you have lady friends and not girlfriends.” You watched his eyes move from yours to your lips before he leaned back licking his lips.

“Hammered that nail right on the head didn’t you.”

“I’m an FBI agent, it’s my job to notice things.” You shrugged, patting him on the thigh before leaning back into the couch.

A month in and you’re still analyzing security tapes. Two months worth of tape was exhausting to look over. Staring at this screen all hours of the day was starting to strain your eyes, but all you could do was rub them and keep going. You never heard of these necklaces until you started this case, but every time you switched on the footage you noticed they attracted a lot of attention.

You were watching the recording three weeks before the thief happened.  In the corner of the camera, a guy with a notepad walked by looking around each exhibit like he was taking notes. Is he doing recon to see where the cameras and sensors are at?  You couldn't see his face, but notice the red jacket he was wearing.  You speed up the camera keeping a close eye on him, but he doesn’t stay before he wanders off in the other direction. You make a note of the date and time of his appearance and what he was wearing. You skip over to the next day but saw nothing.

A week later, Red Jacket showed up on camera again. This time he was standing close to the blue stone necklace almost like he was examining the cases lock mechanism. Then, you don’t see him again until three days before the hologram turned off.  You go to the front entrance camera of the museum and watch him walk in.  He never gets anywhere near the necklace nor does he leave the museum out the front door. You might finally have something.

“Gamora, I got something.”

“Seriously? What is it?”

“A possible suspect, Red Jacket,” you said, pointing at the screen.

It was Thursday night, and once again it involved hanging out at Peters apartment. You always hung out on Thursdays because he worked at the bar, Trash Panda, on Friday nights and weekends.

His apartment was always a disaster with takeout containers, and clothes laying on the floor. Cd's, DVD's, cassettes, and records laid everywhere else. Peter also had some weird decor, or as he called them his useful relics. There was a broken sword, which he called Dragonfang, a knock-off Jackson Pollock painting, and a basketball size Pac-man head.  It might’ve been dirty but it felt more like a home than your apartment ever did.

“Why do you always insist on watching the old Footloose versus the new one?” You asked, taking a seat on the couch next to Peter.

“The old one has Kevin Bacon. And if you don’t like Bacon something is wrong with you.” You rolled your eyes and Peter’s phone starts ringing. “Pizzas here. I’ll go get it, can you put the movie in?”

“On it.” You put the disk in the player and grabbed the remote off the end table. A picture frame you never noticed before catches your eye.  You pick it up taking your usual spot on the couch. The image was of a much younger Peter laying on the grass listening to his Walkman with a woman you could only suspect to be his mother.

“Got the pizza. You got the beer. Let's watch this flick.” Peter carried in the pizza kicking the door close but stops short seeing you staring at a picture in your hand. “Ahhhh….whatcha got there?”

“Is this your mom?”

“Oh ah, yeah.” He walked over setting the pizza down on the coffee table and taking a seat in his usual spot next to you.

“She’s beautiful. Is she....”

“Dead…...no. She’s very much alive,” he answered, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Um, her name is Meredith. She’s an amazing mother, but she does have an inoperable brain tumor.” You set the picture back down beside you.

“I'm sorry, Peter.” You reached for his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“It's okay. It's not the first time she fought this. She’ll beat this thing again, I just know it,” he said with a hopeful spark in his eyes.

His mom beat cancer before and it’s back. You couldn’t even imagine how hard it was for him to see his mother going through this the first time; let alone a second time. You would never want to relive any of your bad memories all over again.

“Still, it must be hard to watch her go through all this again," you sympathized, squeezing his hand again before letting go. “I’d hate to see you go through this alone, so I’m here if you need anything, okay?” He nodded with a sly smirk on his face. “I’m serious! If you want a home-cooked meal or need help getting your mind off this or --”

“I get it,” he interrupted you by patting you on the leg. “Thank you. I appreciate it. Really.”

“Is your dad still around at all? It must be tough on him, too?"

“No, he’s not. He’s dead, but he was never really in the picture when I was growing up.  I mean he was, but he wasn’t.  He taught me a lot but it was always me and my mom.” Peter grabbed a beer and rotated the bottle in his hand smearing the condensation across the label.  

“I’m sorry, that’s tough to deal with growing up.” He nodded his head before twisting off the top and taking a sip. “Do you at least get to see your mom often?”

“As often as I’m allowed,”  he murmured, wide-eyed at the floor before flickering them back to you with his eyebrows raised. “Anyways, ready to watch this flick?” You nodded, dropping the subject. He didn’t want to continue talking about this and you understood, but you couldn’t stop thinking about his choice of words.

“How’s work? Find any new clues on your case or whatever?”

“Yeah, I may have found a break in the case actually. Gamora seemed pretty happy about it so did Kraglin and he’s tough to impress.”

“Nice work.” The opening credits start coming across the screen and Peter starts tapping his leg and humming some tunes before he starts singing. “Leaning on my pillow in the morning / Lazy day in bed music in my head / Crazy music playing in the morning light / Oh-ho-ho It’s magic you know / Never believe it's not so.”

“Stop singing and watch the damn movie.” You nudged him in the ribs, forcing him to stop and snicker. “Why are you singing that song anyways?”

“Oh, the pizza guy was singing it. It’s a classic, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, something like that,” you replied, grabbing a slice. It was the same song from the recent heist. It might have nothing to do with the case, but it didn't hurt to look into this pizza place or their employees, even if it led to a dead end.

[ipptorri14964432-blog]

Top 5 Free FLAC Converter For Mac Customers

A utility to convert a Flac library to MP3, Opus or free flac to mp3 converter portable Ogg Vorbis format. That's how the perfect FLAC to MP3 Converter for Mac works. It additionally supports a ton of different audio and video formats as enter. Tagging will change into a difficulty. For those who intend to use particular person recordsdata turns into more of a chore. You'll do that in the event you use playlists or randomize information your moveable machine. Use one thing like tagMP3 in the event you want this. Tagging permits your software program to entry tune titles, artist, observe quantity, album titles and album cowl art as metadata. It's important to add this to each file. In fre:ac, click the far left icon on the toolbar. This can open a dialog field the place you can browse file on your computer and select the precise information you wish to convert. Apple fans will admire the option to add transformed information on to iTunes multimedia library. 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[aimeelockwood-blog]

Panic Away Review – My experience and unbiased opinion

Hey, Noline here. Welcome and thank you for checking out my blog. If you are looking for a complete review of Panic  Away, you have come to the right place as this is where you will find my detailed review of what I experienced and really thought about Panic  Away.

Note that this is a review site: Click here to visit the Panic Away official website.

Now you may wonder why I am writing this review. Well, I have been struggling with panic attacks and anxiety for many years. When I found Panic Away, I decided to take a chance on it and to share my personal experiences and how Panic Away may, or may not assist me in this process. I then decided to write a review to help other people like me, who are looking for a solution to this overwhelming feeling that has affected my life for so many years.

What you are about to read is the essential details you need to know before grabbing Panic Away for yourself. But be warned, I give you my personal experience with Panic Away and also the good and the bad, so if that is not what you want to hear, then this review is not for you.

So what exactly is Panic Away and what makes it different?

Away Ebook Panic Away Review

Panic Away, which is a completely natural approach has been developed by Barry McDonagh over many years after he himself suffered from panic attacks and general anxiety for years.

Barry McDonagh identifies the key element to curing panic attacks and overcoming anxiety as no longer fearing the thought of having a panic attack… Around this key concept he developed a comprehensive, but yet simple program for any person who wants to be cured from panic attacks and substantially reduce anxiety.

To discover exactly what is included in Panic Away, check out my previous blog “Panic Away Review – My journey to overcoming anxiety begins”. In summary Panic Away consists of a 256 page eBook, 4 videos and 7 audio recordings for immediate download.

The core of the program is the 21 – 7 Technique, which is made up of the 21 Second Countdown and the 7 Minute Exercise. This is then followed by C.A.L.M. Recovery, which helps to integrate this technique into your life. Panic Away aims to restore you back to your former care free self through eliminating panic attacks and reduce general anxiety fast.

This one simple technique can be applied anywhere and anytime to stop a panic attack in its tracks. It does not matter how long the anxiety has been present, this technique can be applied with great success.

The program is also available in hard copy with the book, dvds and cds ready for home delivery.

It currently includes a free bonus, with lifetime access to the Panic Away private members forum. The forum is available day and night, with supportive members consisting of qualified therapists and lay people who have been there and know what you are experiencing.

Lastly, it comes with a 100% money back guarantee, so if it is not exactly what you need, just return it….

What Panic Away is not…

It is not complicated, nor is it time consuming. It is not a 30 step program that takes forever to implement and only brings minor improvements.

It does not rely on out-dated techniques like distraction or positive affirmations.

It is not NLP or hypnosis and regression is not required to break the cycle.

It is not about teaching coping mechanisms and strategies. In fact it teaches how to be free and to never have another panic attack again.

How did this course help me to overcome anxiety and stop panic attacks?

If you have been following my blog you would know that I have followed the Panic Away program over the last few months. Please read the posts below if you are interested in my experience.

Panic Away Panic Away – Anxiety Thermometer

I have to acknowledge that over the last few weeks I haven’t followed the program. It really only hit me this morning when I sat down to write this review that I have forgotten about Panic Away. I haven’t had a panic attack in weeks and when I think about it now, I have been much less anxious than I have been in many years.

Now, I am too scared to say that Panic Away has cured me. It really is still too early for that, but I haven’t had a panic attack in weeks and my overall anxiety level is probably on a healthy level of 3 to 4.

… but don’t take my word for it. Visit the official Panic Away website and discover the authentic photo and audio testimonials from doctors, psychologists and former sufferers.

Who is Panic Away for?

It is for any person who is tired of being scared of when the next panic attack will strike or any person who is feeling generally anxious.

Click here to visit the Panic Away official website.

So, if you have experienced any of these, maybe Panic Away is the answer for you:

Finding yourself in the emergency room at the hospital, because you thought you were having a heart attack only to be told it was “only” anxiety? Worry that you may stop breathing because your chest feels tight and you are breathing erratic? Fear getting stuck in traffic on a bridge? Have anxious thoughts that just don’t seem to stop? Are you nervous and on edge in normal situations that didn’t bother you before? An overwhelming fear that you feel will be pushed you over the edge? If any of these bodily sensations are familiar maybe Panic Away is what you were looking for:

Dizzy spells leading to anxiety Tightness in the chest or shortness of breath Racing heart Obsessive worries and unwanted thoughts For a detailed list of bodily sensations and symptoms refer to my previous post – The physical manifestations and symptoms of a panic attack.

What are the Bad things about it?

The eBook is long, 256 pages long. This does however give you a lot of information on panic, anxiety and so on. You can always skip this information if you just want to jump straight into the 21 – 7 Technique.

The core of the program, the 21 – 7 Technique is simple, almost too simple to believe. If you expect complicated techniques, this is not for you.

What are the Good things about it?

Panic Away was developed by Barry McDonagh who himself used to suffer from panic and anxiety. He managed to work through his own anxiety and that of many other people during private coaching.

The program is presented in an easy to understand and logical format. The core of the program, the 21 – 7 Technique is extensively explained and reinforced with video and audio.

Panic Away provides a number of specific applications of the 21-7 Technique that relates to everyday life like how to deal with panic attacks while driving, leaving home, anxiety caused by the fear of flying and the fear of public speaking.

The 21 -7 Technique can be applied anywhere and anytime…

Overall what do I think?

Panic Away by Barry McDonagh, in my experience can help reduce panic and in the very least substantially reduce anxiety.

It is simple and can be used anywhere and anytime.

Once you GET that you no longer have to fear the thought of a panic attack, anything can happen. Click Here to discover this for yourself.

Hope my review has helped you,

Noline

Quote by Barry McDonagh “The key difference between someone who is cured of panic attacks and those who are not is really very simple. The one who is cured is not afraid of panic attacks.”

I have been quiet for a while. That is not because I decided not to write a Panic Away Review, but because I have been following the C.A.L.M. Recovery part of the Panic Away Program.

This is really important as it helps me to integrate what I have learned and as I am finding, it definitely speeds up my recovery from panic attacks and anxiety. I have decided to take my time, so that when I write a Panic Away Review it will really reflect my experience.

If you are getting impatient and want to check out Panic Away for yourself: Click here to visit the Panic Away official website.

So, what is C.A.L.M. Recovery?

C.A.L.M. Recovery is the final element of the Panic Away Program and teaches you how to remove obstructions from your life and to restore the natural flow and thereby letting go of anxiety and panic. C.A.L.M. Recovery consists of four areas:

C – Community Support. Panic Away Panic Away Program

A – Acceptance, which is possibly the most important factor in curing panic attacks. L – Lifestyle Changes, and M – Meaning. Barry McDonagh makes the very valid point that anxious people find it hard to stop checking in on themselves. So, when you move a little bit away from yourself and become more involved with the Community around you, it is a great distraction and helps to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts or circular thinking as I like to think about it. So getting involved in your community doesn’t just help the person you may support, but can help you to get a mental break from your problems.

Acceptance… Many of us feel that acceptance means giving in, but it doesn’t. Wishing things were different to the way they are, doesn’t help.

Firstly, things are the way they are. Secondly it just causes more frustration to fight what is. Thirdly these feelings of resistance that leads to mental conflict, anxiety and panic attacks have already proved that the process of resistance as a strategy to manage anxiety or life for that matter doesn’t work. So, to come back to the tree referred to in my post Panic Away Review – 21 Second Countdown Technique, no tree will fight nature by going head to head with the wind. The tree moves with the wind and moving with the emotion in the present moment means there is no conflict, no resistance and no or at least much less frustration.

To eliminate panic attacks and to reduce anxiety minor Lifestyle Changes (with exercise and diet) can have a big effect. It is however important to make small changes, as big changes are unlikely to be sustainable.

Firstly exercise reduces stress and secondly trains the body to handle the bodily sensations experienced during a panic attack. With regards to dietary chances, consider these three changes:

Eliminate or substantially reduce caffeine and alcohol. Keeping hydrated, so ensure you drink enough water. Eat healthy complex carbohydrates as they release serotonin. Lastly, find Meaning in your panic attacks and anxiety. Rise above the experience by finding meaning in the experience.

My experience to date with Panic Away and C.A.L.M. Recovery

Since I started the Panic Away Program, I feel much calmer and feel that I “am on the road to somewhere specific”. I have incorporated these four principles into my life. Most importantly for me is to accept my life and anxiety and to learn to move and flow with life.

I had to accept that recovery is not a linear process and that it comes with ups and downs. So some days I feel like I take a step back for every two steps I take forward.

I think though that my most important action was the decision to commit to Recovery…

Keep an eye open for my Panic Away Review where I will share my opinion on the program.

In conclusion….

I have now followed Panic Away for a month and am still doing the exercises, although not as regularly as I should. I have incorporated C.A.L.M. Recovery into my everyday life.

The question remains! Can Panic Away cure panic attacks and eliminate anxiety, I still don’t know for sure.

Can it help reduce anxiety and do I feel less anxious? Definitely, no doubt about that!

I will continue to integrate the program into my life and I will write my full review in my Panic Away Review within the next few weeks… Thank you for following my progress.

Panic Away Review – The 21-7 Technique and 7 Minute Exercise

Hey, today I want to write about the 21 – 7 Technique and specifically the second component of the technique, the Seven Minute Exercise as explained by Barry McDonagh in the Panic Away Program.

This is my experience of the Panic Away program. Click here to visit the Panic Away official website.

What is the 21 – 7 Technique?

The two main goals of Panic Away are to stop panic attacks and to eliminate general anxiety and the 21 – 7 Technique is the core of the Panic Away program. Barry McDonagh describes the 21 – 7 technique as first aid for anxiety and it is made up of two components:

The 21 Second Countdown Technique which is designed to stop panic attacks, and The Seven Minute Exercise which is designed to reduce general feelings of anxiety. The 21 Second Countdown Technique has been explained in a previous post. Click here to revisit the post. In this post I focus on eliminating general anxiety through the Seven Minute Exercise and my personal experience with the Panic Away program.

Generalized anxiety disorder – what it is and symptoms

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is described as a lingering background anxiety. It tends to stay with a person for days and is associated with exaggerated tension and worry. The symptoms associated with GAD include:

Exhaustion Intrusive thoughts Difficulty concentrating Insomnia Dizziness Nausea Cramps Panic Away Panic Away – Anxiety Thermometer

As explained by Barry McDonagh this is not a mental illness, but a sensitized state.

As can be seen in the picture, the thermometer shows complete relaxation as zero and a full blown panic attack as 10. The typical stress level on an average day for the average person is around 3 to 4. For a person with GAD this level increases to around 5 to 8. The objective of the 7 minute exercise is to reduce this day to day stress level back to around 2 to 4.

What is the Seven Minute Exercise?

The Seven Minute Exercise combines a strong feeling of empathy or unconditional love with relaxation techniques to reduce the general level of anxiety. Ideally this technique should be used right after the 21 Second Countdown Technique and should then be practised three times per day to help in reducing the anxiety level. You can discover how to implement this technique for yourself at the Panic Away official website.

My experience to date in applying the exercise

I tried the exercise as soon as I read how it worked and then also every time that I practised the 21 Second Countdown Technique. The first time I tried it, I felt some pain leaving my body as I relaxed and followed the instructions from the exercise.

I am not always very good at “following” instruction, so have not implemented it three times every day. Maybe I am not the best person to write a Panic Away Review, but anyway… I do however follow it every morning when I wake up and once most days. My anxiety is higher in the morning, so this helps me to ease into the day rather than “fight” into the day.

I had a very frustrating day today, so my anxiety levels have been higher than normal. For one Google sandboxed this blog, so that means that nobody will find it as it doesn’t show up in a Google search. I just hope that it will be released soon, as I really want to share my experiences and my panic away review with as many people as possible.

Anyway let me get back to my experience. This increased anxiety (Around a level 8.) leaves me with stomach cramps and feeling physically hot. When I tried the seven minute exercise, the pain in my stomach just got worse. I then stopped and applied the 21 second countdown and again tried the seven minute exercise. During the 21 second countdown the knots in my stomach released and I could then follow the 7 minute exercise. Afterwards, I was a bit dizzy and had a slight headache, but the knots in my stomach had been “untied” and I felt more like being about a 4 and not an 8 like when I started the exercise. Still stressed, but somewhat calmer and clearer…. I will tell more in my Panic Away Review soon…

In conclusion….

I am still following the exercise and realizing that both are better than the one without the other. I generally first try to do the 21 second countdown, although as I said earlier when you try to invoke a panic attack it tends not to be there.

Can this cure panic attacks and eliminate anxiety, I don’t know yet. Can it help reduce anxiety? At this time I think so. I will write about my experience and my personal review in my Panic Away Review within the next week or two.

Bye for now… Noline

My Experience with Panic Away The physical manifestations and symptoms of a panic attack Posted on November 20, 2011 by Noline 10 COMMENTS In this post I like to share the physical manifestations and the symptoms of a panic attack as described by Barry McDonagh in his Panic Away program.

The physical manifestations of a panic attack and the role of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems

Anxiety is a response to a danger or threat. Its objective is to either fight the danger or to flee from it and therefore its sole purpose is to protect you from harm. The working of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems was explained in a previous post. Click here to revisit the post.

In ancient times our survival depended on this fight or flight response and even today it is needed when we find ourselves in a situation where we have to make split second decisions.

When confronted with danger, the brain sends signals to the autonomous nervous system.

Panic Away Release of adrenaline

The sympathetic nervous system releases adrenaline from the adrenal glands priming our body for action. When a panic attack begins, it does not switch off as easily as it is turned on as these signals continue to travel throughout the body. This is one of the physiological causes of panic attacks.

Eventually the parasympathetic nervous system is engaged and its role is to return the body to homeostasis or balance, but only once the perceived danger is gone. This is a built in system that will always kick in as the body cannot continue in an ever-increasing spiral of anxiety – no matter what our mind tells us.

During the fight or flight experience, resources like blood, oxygen and so on are moved to where they are needed most. This has an effect on the various bodily systems. It is these effects that cause the symptoms we experience during a panic attack and are briefly described below.

Symptoms of a panic attack

The fight or flight response affects the different bodily systems as follows:

Cardiovascular system – Blood moves to the area where it is most needed for a fast response. For instance it moves away from the hands, arms skin and so on to the thighs in preparation for fast action. This result in: Increased heartbeat Numbness in the arms and fingers Tingling in the arms, fingers and so on Tingling in the stomach Respiratory system – Breathing increases to allow more oxygen to prepare for action. The result of this however is also less oxygen to the head. The increased breathing, but less oxygen to the head results in the following: Breathlessness Panic Away Chest tightness symptom of a panic attack

Hyperventilation Sensations of choking and smothering Tightness in the chest Dizziness ( and sometimes extreme dizziness) Blurred vision Confusion Sense of unreality Hot flushes Muscles – Many muscles tense up in anticipation to fight or flee. This could lead to: Feelings of tension Muscle aches and pains Trembling and shaking Digestive system – As seen above resources are moved to the body systems that require more, leaving the digestive system with less. This could lead to: Dry mouth as less saliva is produced Nausea Butterflies in the stomach Constipation and other digestive concerns Panic AwayOverall – The flight or fight response results in an activation of the overall body metabolism. This can leave a person hot and flushed and ultimately drained and tired. When these symptoms and sensations occur and people do not understand why, they feel and worry that they have contracted an illness, or a serious mental condition. The threat of losing complete control seems very real and naturally very terrifying. This often starts the vicious circle of a fear of fear…

Quote by Barry McDonagh from Panic Away – “Panic attacks are not your enemy and they are not dangerous; they are an overreaction to a series of heightened bodily sensations.”

Anxiety Information Panic Away Review, Physical manifestations of a panic attack, Sympathetic nervous system What cause panic attacks and anxiety? Posted on November 14, 2011 by Noline 1 COMMENT There is much debate as to the causes of anxiety disorders. In this post I briefly share the views of Barry McDonagh as explained in his program Panic Away.

Anxiety disorders are often the result of exhaustion. This can be:

Physical exhaustion as a result of poor diet, substance abuse and bodily and hormonal changes. There is a clear link between hormonal changes like premenstrual syndrome and perimenopause and anxiety. Mental exhaustion brought on by excessive worry or stress. Emotional exhaustion linked to bereavement, divorce or an internal conflict caused by abuse or neglect. When a person is depleted in any of these three areas, the body and the mind becomes sensitized or overly alerted and more susceptible to anxiety disorder. In this sensitized state a person feels jittery and more susceptible to an internal shock like a rapid heartbeat or an external shock like a loud noise.

This sensitized state can lead to a person feeling more confused about bodily sensations. As a person becomes more confused about the sensations they feel or a change in their bodies, the more they fear that something is seriously wrong. An anxious thought can then send the body into overdrive as happens when you experience a panic attack. A cycle of fear and confusion in this sensitized state turns into an anxiety disorder over time.

Quote by Barry McDonagh from Panic Away – “What keeps a panic attack coming is the fear of the fear – the fear that the next one will really knock your socks off and the feeling that you were lucky to have made it unscathed through the last one. Your confidence has been damaged by the previous attack. Once you fully understand that you are not under threat you can then have a new response to the anxiety.”

Anxiety Information Causes of panic attacks, Panic Away, Panic Away Review The sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system Posted on October 26, 2011 by Noline 28 COMMENTS In this post I briefly look at what the autonomous nervous system and its two parts the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are and how they work.

The autonomous nervous system controls body activities automatically. It is composed of neurons that regulate cardiac muscle, smooth muscles and glands. The relative stability of our bodies depends largely on the workings of the autonomous nervous system.

The autonomous nervous system is made up of two parts, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous system. These two parts effectively have opposite functions. The one stimulates and the other inhibits. The sympathetic nervous system acts as the gas pedal and the parasympathetic nervous system acts as the brake.

The sympathetic nervous system is often called the “fight or flight” system. It comes into effect when we are excited or in life threatening situations. Its function is to provide the best conditions for responding to a threat.

The parasympathetic nervous system is active when the body is in a resting phase. Its main function is the promotion of normal digestion and elimination of faeces and urine. It further conserves energy, especially by reducing the demands on the cardiovascular system.

These two parts complement each other and it is important to have them in “balance” and our bodies in homeostasis. As per Wikipedia: “human homeostasis refers to the body’s ability to physiologically regulate its inner environment to ensure its stability in response to fluctuations in the outside environment.”

The illustration below shows the effect of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system on the different organs of the body.

Panic Away

When the body is in a continued state of anxiety, the sympathetic nervous system is over stimulated and the parasympathetic nervous system does not get an opportunity to do its work.

Quote by Barry McDonagh from Panic Away – “Recovery happens by teaching the person to break the cycle of anxiety and stop adding fear to fear.”

Anxiety Information Autonomous nervous system, Panic attack, Panic Away Review Panic attacks and general anxiety – Basics Posted on October 4, 2011 by Noline 10 COMMENTS In this post I highlight some basic concepts and definitions as they relate to panic attacks and anxiety.

A panic attack is defined as a period of intense fear that are of sudden onset and last for a short period of time. An attack begins abruptly, reach a peak within minutes and then subside after several hours. It may however take days to recover from an anxiety attack, especially after the first attack.

Experiencing a panic attack, especially for the first time can be an intensely frightening experience. People often fear that they may be having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. It often also leads to anticipatory anxiety in situations similar to where an attack occurred before.

Panic attacks vary from person to person and can be either spontaneous or situational. A situational panic attack occurs when a person finds themselves in a situation or place where they experienced a panic attack before.

Anxiety is defined as a state of apprehension or fear resulting from the anticipation of a real or imagined threat, event, or situation. It is one of the most common human emotions experienced by most people at some point in their lives.

Anxiety is not a mental illness; it is a behavioural problem and therefore can be easily corrected with the right guidance, knowledge and action.

Experiencing a panic attack is not physically dangerous. Panic attacks are not the enemy; they are the result of your mind misinterpreting the signals sent by your body. Anxiety is a built-in mechanism to protect us from danger.

Panic attacks and the fear of having another can lead to generalized anxiety disorder or GAD. Generalized anxiety disorder is an anxiety disorder which is characterized by exaggerated worry and tension. Some people may describe it as a fear of fear, personally I describe it as circular thinking as I feel that the same fearful thoughts go around and around in my mind.

Lastly, having an anxiety disorder in no way relates to a lack of courage. In fact, getting up day after day and facing your fears takes a lot of courage. On the positive side it builds and develops inner strength…

Quote by Barry McDonagh from Panic Away – “What if I told you the trick to ending panic attacks is to want to have one!”

Anxiety Information Panic attack, Panic attacks and general anxiety, Panic Away Review Panic Away Review – the 21 Second Countdown Technique Posted on September 30, 2011 by Noline 14 COMMENTS Hey, today I want to write about the 21 Second Countdown Technique, which is the first part of the 21 – 7 Technique explained by Barry McDonagh in the Panic Away program. I will write more about the Panic Away program and the 21 – 7 Technique later. I was eager to jump in and try the 21 Second Countdown Technique and over the last few days I used it a number of times to stop panic attacks.

I have to note at this time, that just taking action, recognizing and understanding how these circular thoughts in my mind is affecting me has already made me feel more in control. Sometimes you get into a rut and the moment you start moving forward, everything looks brighter and seem to get better.

This post is about my experience with Panic Away. Click here to visit the Panic Away official website.

What is the 21 Second Countdown?

The 21 Second Countdown is the first part of the 21 – 7 Technique which forms the core of the Panic Away program by Barry McDonagh. It is a simple four step program that can be used anywhere and anytime to stop panic attacks in their tracks.

The technique is focussed on observing and embracing feelings related to anxiety and panic attacks and not fighting, suppressing or trying to work around the feelings with positive thinking or happy thoughts. When observing and embracing the feelings we approach anxiety in a new way that does not require us to go head to head and fight with the feelings. Rather, we follow that what we generally observe in nature – acceptance and participation. No tree will fight nature by going head to head against the wind. The tree moves with the wind and moving with the fear and bodily sensations is the first step in overcoming panic attacks.

Thirdly we stay with the feelings and demand the feelings or fear to become stronger. When we don’t fight the feelings, we don’t create the tug of war to keep fuelling the war. Maybe we should all try a bit more of this in our relationships as well… :)

The fourth step is about trust, trusting that a panic attack is not dangerous and will not physically harm you in any way. The 21 Second Countdown Techniques then teaches a quick and easy way to implement these four steps counting down from 21 to 1. You can discover how to implement this technique for yourself at the Panic Away official website.

My experience to date in applying the technique

Firstly I tried to follow Barry McDonagh suggestion that I should “look for”/encourage a panic attack to practice the technique. It is however not so easy to bring on a panic attack when you want to have one. I suppose this is because when you eliminate the irrational fear, the panic attack itself can’t happen.

When the circular thinking in my mind did lead to an anxiety attack it felt counter intuitive not to want to fight and the fear got worse before it got better. Afterwards I felt disbelief more than anything and maybe just a little like a tree that looks strong, but is wise enough to move with the wind…

Noline

My Experience with Panic Away 21 Second Countdown Technique, Panic Away Review At last someone understands – could Panic Away be my answer? Posted on September 12, 2011 by Noline 1 COMMENT I watched the introduction to Panic Away and wondered why I have not found this program before. Yes, I really felt that someone understands exactly how I feel. This gives me hope, firstly this means that I am not alone and secondly if Barry McDonagh really understands these feelings, maybe this course can help me overcome anxiety and panic attacks.

The introduction video shows an animated character Jane having a panic attack during a shopping trip. She finds her heart beating hard and her throat pulsating. She thinks something is wrong and then run all the worst possible scenarios through her mind. She goes to the hospital for tests and is told that she had a panic attack. She is shaken by the experience and now lives in fear worrying that it could happen again. She feels restless and can’t concentrate, continually thinking and worrying about the next panic attack.  She now worries obsessively and has entered a phase which is referred to as general anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder. She now worries constantly and goes back and forth between panic attacks and general anxiety.

Sounds familiar? Watching this video made me realize that I am not alone and that someone out there understands how I feel. And just maybe, if Barry knows how I am feeling, his Panic Away Program may help me overcome anxiety and stop panic attacks.

I have detailed exactly what is included in the Panic Away Program in my previous post – Panic Away Review – My journey to overcoming anxiety begins. Check it out by clicking on the link if you would like to see the makeup of Panic Away for yourself. Then, watch the video of Jane’s second panic attack during lunch with a friend and discover for yourself, whether this is what you are going through.

My Experience with Panic Away Panic attack, Panic Away, Panic Away Review Panic Away Review – My journey to overcoming anxiety begins Posted on August 25, 2011 by Noline 4 COMMENTS My aim is to deal with my anxiety and to stop panic attacks. My aim with this website is to share my experiences as I work through my anxiety and ultimately to write a Review of Panic Away based on my experiences.

So I bought Panic Away created by Barry McDonagh and got access to the member’s area. This basic purchase gives me access to the bronze area. I am not exactly sure what that means right now, or what other levels there are, but I am sure I will find out over time.

I bought the basic program, so will limit my Panic Away Review to this program. There is also a coaching option which brings with it a 28 day challenge where one can work with an advisor who will help you set challenges and provide advice for your specific problem. It suggests fast results can be achieved with the least effort. I haven’t gone for this option as I prefer to work on my own.

So where do I start? Well, first I downloaded all the material. The Panic Away Program consists firstly of the e-book that is 256 pages long and include the following chapters:

Introduction What causes an Anxiety Disorder 21 – 7 Technique The 21 Second Countdown Examples for real life situations Eliminating general anxiety The 7 Minute Exercise C.A.L.M. Recovery Dealing with unwanted Anxious Thoughts Dealing with unwanted Bodily Sensations Dealing with Morning Anxiety Dealing with Insomnia and Night Panic Dealing with Phobias Dealing with O.C.D Dealing with Setbacks Turning the Corner Anxiety Medication A Round Up of the Usual Suspects Conclusion Then there are 4 videos:

An 18 minute Introduction 21 Second Countdown 7 Minute Exercise C.A.L.M. Recovery Panic Away Panic Away Program

Next there are also 7 audio recordings:

Introduction 21 Second Countdown 7 Minute Exercise Symphony Technique Driving Anxiety Deep Release End Anxious Thought Part 1 End Anxious Thought Part 2 Now this is a lot to take in and all this material is enough to make me somewhat anxious, but I will work through the material and start to think about my Panic Away Review and will check in again later or tomorrow…

Noline

This blog is about my personal experience with Panic Away. Click here to read my final Review of Panic Away and…