#and if you wanted easy tension well. you could have acknowledged that being queer is Weird

[forcebookish]

ptl comes across as uneven because it's too simple when it ought to be complicated. like, any time arm is having a good time with arc or feels appreciative of something arc does, there's no baggage about it despite him treating him like shit in the last scene lol

i feel like the closest we get is arc deflecting about beating up that guy in retaliation but saying he'd hit arm instead and arm saying "you're the worst." then he's over it like it never happened

why does arc act like that? oh he just does

why does he like arm? oh he just does

like can i get a view into their inner worlds pls

[chevelleneech]

I definitely agree there's an odd tension between chanlix, I remember reading this rumor that someone had cheated on Felix around the time in which Chanlix stopped interacting with each other lol and mind went oh I'm connecting the DOTS. But I'm always surprised by people thinking misung are together because I really dont see how their dinamic is different from other kpop boyband duos, like there are so many, and misung beheavior is really not that different from I've seeb from other close friendships in other bands. I do think though that Minho is 100% queer, that man level of weird is not from the straight variety lol.

I just posted something that is not at all in response to you, lol. I am reading your message after, but my response is really that I kind of just believe them.

I’ve seen a good amount of ships and I think there’s fun to be had in shipping them, but I also feel like Jisung and Minho aren’t playing the longterm skinship game, because there are other members they could spread that affection out to. For example, Jisung and Felix love skinship and kissing, and I’d bet loads of money the two of them have had at least two drunk make out sessions, but I don’t think there’s anything romantic going on between them, because they don’t have any romantic vibes between them. Minsung though, seem to be very consistent in saying how they feel about each other, they don’t interact with the same level of palpable tension with other members as each other, and speaking of, the other members say their relationship is different as well. Which is why I also think Chan and Felix have a Something.

SKZ seem to be a group that adores affection and don’t hide that behind “Idol groups are known to do skinship.” They acknowledge it, but they also talk openly about how differently certain members treat other members. For example, I enjoy Hyunjin and Changbin’s dynamic and wouldn’t be shocked if they hooked up (not that we’d ever know, but hypothetically), but I don’t ship them in a serious way. I would even go so far as to say I think Changbin is genuinely attracted to Hyunjin, but who isn’t? Lol, he’s gorgeous. But for real, I don’t think their flirtations go beyond what is normal in SKZ but also idol friendships. In fact, I’d say they are the two best friends in the group who play at being a couple, and enjoy the pretend, but are genuinely just friends.

Chan and Felix, though, they just have a very awkwardly charged tension, lol. And they make a lot of their “We want to touch but can’t.” tension obvious because of how they react to each other. Add onto that how downbad Chan is when he talks about Felix, and how laser focused Felix gets when he’s emotional on stage and almost always only wants Chan… they just scream “There’s something going on here!” I don’t know anything about the cheating allegations, and currently can’t say I’d believe them. I don’t think Chan is perfect, but I can’t see him cheating on Felix. If anything, I’d say they likely weren’t together and Chan got with someone else, which might have pissed Felix off. Not to get too long winded, but I do think they love and want each other, but I also think they are in the stickiest of situations because of Chan’s position, and because his feelings have been obvious from day one. So maybe led to not so great discussions between them about what they’re feeling for each other, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it took them a long time to figure things out, which is why they have such an awkward yet obvious tension.

Minsung is different, at least in my opinion. They’re so easy to get, and again, consistent. They and the others say they go on dates, and they do. They and the others say the two of them are always together, and they are. The both of them constantly talk about how they flirt with one another and belong to one another, and Jisung has said he had thoughts of Minho when writing a love song. Minho has said Jisung is his boyfriend. Jisung said they will get married (which I’m not taking seriously serious, but it adds to the notion that they are comfortable and committed to the idea of being in each others lives for the rest of their lives).

Of course they could not be dating, that is always a possibility, but at the end of the day, I feel like all good romantic relationships have a root of friendship. Your partner doesn’t need to be your best friend, as it’s healthy to have close outside relationships with people, but I don’t think there’s anything that should prevent best friends from becoming romantic partners. So while Minsung absolutely do have lots of similarities to other pairs in the group, and there are other friendships in the idol sphere that are close like Minsung, for me, it doesn’t negate the possibility of Minho and Jisung being a romantic couple.

I think they are best friends who fell in love, and they don’t exactly hide it. They just have a lot of established ideals that keep them from have to do less. As in, idols are known for skinship and letting fans think there’s more going on, so they can get away with being super touchy because not many will think anything deeper. They work together, and idol fans don’t typically believe two people who spend tons of time together can or have ever fallen in love. And lastly, idol fans are more open to believing queerphobic rhetoric than not, meaning no matter what Minsung say or do, most fans are likelier to believe they’d never actually date because they don’t think any idols are actually queer.

So with all those ideals essentially stacked against them, forcing them into a platonic space… what’s stopping them from dating? For me, the answer is nothing.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Despair (15x18)

I'm having an out of body experience, I cannot believe this. Last night was legitimately one of the weirdest nights of my life, and not just because of *gestures broadly* but also because of *gestures broadly* and myriad other small but still totally bizarre personal things coming at me from all angles... strap in, y'all, I've got some shit to say.

Cons:

We're gonna talk about it. Ohhhh, we're gonna talk about it. But let's start with some other shit before we get there.

So... are we ignoring "Dean was willing to let Jack sacrifice himself" or something? Like there was that moment with Sam and Dean where they talked about it, and Dean apologizes for pulling a gun on Sam, and Sam is like "oh it's okay Dean, no worries." But at the beginning of this episode, Dean seems to be just as worried for Jack, and as protective of him, as the others, with absolutely no acknowledgment of what happened in the last episode. This... should have mattered. There should have been some regrouping and some serious talks about this. Seriously.

The Thanos snap thing... guys, when Infinity War did it in 2018, it was kind of fun and shocking and cool, and we knew the deaths wouldn't be permanent but it was still wild to watch our heroes react to such an immense loss and then leave us all in limbo for a year. This... is not that. The sheer tone-deafness of having this episode contain a moment of domesticity for AU!Charlie and her cool egg-making girlfriend Stevie, only to have Stevie vanish... and then to end the episode with the biggest queer-bait/bury your gays moment imaginable... like...

Okay, sorry, no, saving the Destiel thing until I've sorted out the rest of this nonsense. The point is, seems pretty clear that the deaths in this episode (other than Cas') are temporary, and Supernatural already has the biggest power creep problem of any show I've ever seen... they really couldn't think of another way to up the stakes for the ending, other than doing the thing where everyone gets killed? Didn't... Crowley... already do this to them several seasons back? Am I hallucinating? There's nothing new under the sun with this show.

Why does this show introduce things and resolve them in a single episode? Like, big, huge things? We just figured out Death was trying to double-cross them, and now by the end she's dead? This show either limps along and does nothing, or speeds through plot stuff at lightning-speed. These last two episodes were big and dramatic and full of Plot but in a way where it all feels kind of unreal. Pacing issues like whoa.

And speaking of. Ahem. Okay. Let's... let's do this. I have some things about the Destiel scene that I'm going to put in the "pros" section below, and hopefully as you read on you'll understand why it's really hard for me to be black and white about it. If I had to, if I had to determine whether I am "happy" or "sad" or "grateful" or "angry" I'd say... sad and angry, 97%? Like? Let's dive in, here.

Setting aside the larger context, a couple of smaller notes:

Acting-wise, what the fuck was Jensen doing in this scene? Misha was acting his whole heart out and Jensen gave him nothing to play off of. I don't understand how Jensen accidentally played Dean so obviously in love with Cas all this time, and then in this moment, no-homo'd it so fucking hard. Even the stage directions in the script page that was floating around said that Dean didn't reciprocate. That's dumb, like, in a shipping sense it's disappointing, but also... Dean, what was your face doing while Cas gave his whole monologue about how amazing you are? What a great and loving man you are? Even if he hadn't ended the whole thing by saying "I love you" and then dying right in front of your eyes, surely you would have been feeling some kind of way about the whole situation?

Also, the scene was shot so awkwardly, there was too much space between them, and then Cas pushes Dean out of the way and he just sits there on the floor with Pikachu-face while The Empty opens up and takes Death and Cas away, making these weird shocked noises... Supernatural often has awkward pacing when dramatic things are happening in action scenes, where certain people have to stand still like it's not their turn on the initiative order in a D&D fight or something, and this was one of the more embarrassing and awkward examples of that.

Cas' deal with The Empty has not been brought up practically since it happened. Cas has been sidelined as a character a lot this season, the past couple seasons, really, but we had this hanging over our heads, right? When Cas says "I've figured it out, true happiness isn't in having, it's just in saying it", the moment doesn't really work on a character level, because we didn't get to see Cas do any of that figuring out. We didn't know he was curious about his true happiness, we didn't know it was an internal struggle/debate for him, wondering what it could be. A lot of Destiel people wanted it to be Dean confessing his love to Cas, and that being the true happiness... but of course that would never happen in a million years. Others thought it would be "yay we defeated the big evil, we can all be a happy family together," oh snap, I'm too happy, goodbye. Which would have been... weirdly anticlimactic, but at least would have made some level of narrative sense. This idea that telling Dean how he feels would bring Cas peace is... well, it's okay, it's fine in isolation, but there's no buildup to it, no tension to his moment of "realization."

And now to fry some bigger fish...

Let's forget about the fact that we never thought this would happen to begin with. Is it actually... worse that it did? Seriously, queer angel man confesses his love to stoic human man who stands there without making a single expression, and the act of confessing said love, knowing it's not reciprocated, knowing he won't get to be with Dean or even be near him ever again, is enough to make Castiel so truly happy that he's willing to die peacefully and forever, all in the act of saving Dean's life? Is that not... like... textbook homophobia? People toss around "bury your gays" a lot and I think what they're missing is that the trope doesn't automatically apply just because a queer character dies. It means a queer character dies because of their queerness, or they are revealed to be queer but can't get any measure of happiness and then they die immediately. This is textbook that. The act of confessing his GAY LOVE is what KILLED CAS. It's a one-to-one sequence of events. It's not a coincidence that Cas died right after saying this. Saying this is what made him die. That's... appalling. Truly, in a very real sense, it's appalling.

Another thing I haven't seen people talk about much is the manufactured nature of this sacrifice. We just found out Billie was going to turn on them at the end of the last episode. If Cas was going to die in a sacrifice-y way, did it have to happen now when Billie was basically just knocking on the door trying to get at Dean for a last-minute revenge thing, even though Billie was already at death's door? This was so contrived, like, can Cas not whoosh them away to somewhere else? Keep them running until Billie succumbs? I get that it wouldn't have been easy, and maybe Billie could have caught up to them anyway, but my point is, they manufactured this moment to be "the only way" that Dean could survive, making Cas' sacrifice so noble and necessary or whatever... but I was sitting there thinking there's got to be another way. If they'd wanted to write in another way, there could have been. The inevitability felt so very contrived. And, as mentioned, the impact of dying on this show has lost all meaning, so even Billie trying to kill Dean, squeezing his heart in his chest, did absolutely nothing for me. I knew he'd be fine, because there are two more episodes left. And if Cas hadn't been there to do what he did, Dean would still have been fine because he's Dean. Am I making any sense?

We have two more episodes left. I am... fairly confident Misha won't be in those episodes. All context, both within the show and without, points to that. I truly think that after all this time, he gets the only ending in the whole show that's unambiguously unsalvageable and tragic. We have a world where the afterlife exists and people can hang out there, but The Empty is a different beast, and this means Cas is... gone. Permanently. Like, his consciousness no longer exists, he's caput. They could bring him back from The Empty, in fact, they've already done it once... but if they decide not to, that's just... where we leave things, and that's brutal and unnecessarily grim. The other characters, even if we get an end-of-show TPK (which would be STUPID, more on that later), could at least have canon or implied-canon reunions in the afterlife. If we don't see Eileen again, we can get the implied ending of her coming back to life, or Sam dying and joining her in Heaven. Same with Charlie, with Charlie's new girlfriend, with Bobby, with Donna, with every other character that's died along the way, including Mary Winchester and OG Charlie, OG Bobby, whatever you want. The fact that Cas gets this, after everything, is truly the part I'm the most sad about, setting aside love confessions entirely.

So as I said, two more episodes. I'm worried that Cas dying is gonna get swallowed up with everyone dying and not get its due, thus making the confession completely isolated. Like, here you go, gays, have this one scene, which, in isolation is quite heartfelt from Cas' perspective, but can be carefully boxed up and not touched for the last two hours of the show. If they don't want to touch on how this would affect Dean specifically, they don't have to. He can be generally angsty and sad about Cas, but they could get away with never bringing it up again, and that is some grade-A level bullshit right there, my friends. At minimum, Dean needs to tell Sam about this. He probably won't, but he should, if the show has any sense of integrity left in its bones.

Ahem. Like I said, I have... lots of thoughts. More on Destiel later, but let's turn to the "Pros" section and talk about some other aspects of this incredibly crowded episode.

Pros:

Despite my issues with everything that didn't get resolved re: Dean letting Jack die, I did kind of like the "to somehow" scene, because it was a nice little breather for the brothers, it solidified them as being on the same side to the bitter end, that despite all the crazy shit they've been through, that they've put each other through, they'll have this as a bedrock at the end of the day. I'm not a brothers-only sort of fan, at all, in fact, I think a brothers-only ending betrays most of what's beautiful about this show in its good moments. But they are the stars, they are the protagonists, they should be the center of their own story, and I like it when we get check-ins like this, that shows how unshakable they are underneath all the other crap.

Charlie and Stevie... okay, cute that their names are like that, cute that Charlie said: "I liked the way she handled herself" and that's how they got together... eggs are cute, whatever... and if these deaths are impermanent, which... come on... they have to be, I do like that Charlie gets to have a girlfriend and be happy as a hunter and as someone's partner.

I liked the tense car ride with Sam texting Eileen, with Dean, Jack, and Cas all silent in the car with him... that was a nice moment of solidarity, all of them entirely on the same page about being there for Sam and helping Eileen however they could... even knowing the futility. What were they going to do when they got there? That was a great tension-building moment, in isolation, even though the deaths are likely temporary.

Cas and Jack's talk was good, I'll admit I've definitely been won over by Cas and Sam as Jack's dads... Dean too, once upon a time, but dude needs to do some groveling before he gets to be Dad again, seriously. It's nice that in the midst of all the chaos, there was a check-in moment. Jack is the embodiment of a lot of our end-game themes, here. He had a noble destiny to sacrifice himself, and then it fizzled out and didn't work, and now he's just left in the aftermath, not sure what to do with himself. It was important that Cas tell him that Jack is worthy of love and family, even if he's not "useful" in the way he thought he could be. Definitely nice to have that nailed in.

If we're following the Infinity War/Endgame line, the last two episodes will be majority Sam, Dean, and Jack, but at the last moment there will be a way to reverse it, and everyone else will come back in a moment of triumph. But probably not so much Castiel, which... well... see above complaints. The point is, seeing Charlie, Bobby, Donna, Eileen, etc. all burst forth for one final moment of glory could be really cool, if they manage to stick the landing with it. It'll be an incredibly manufactured sense of triumph and nostalgia, but it will probably work on me because it's been... guys, I don't know if you know this, but it's been kind of an emotional year. :)

I will say, working under the assumption that the dead characters will come back, I'm actually oddly... not mad about Donna dying. It was actually a legitimately shocking twist. A rule was set up: if a person had died before and been resurrected, or if a person was from another universe, they could be Thanos snapped by Billie. Makes sense. Sam and Dean are in danger because of all their deaths, Jack and Cas aren't safe for the same reason. Charlie, Bobby, Eileen... sure. But Donna should have been safe, given the parameters we started with.

And then Dean and Cas are confronting Billie, she says she's not killing anyone, we realize it must be Chuck... and then Donna, who isn't from another world, who has never died... GONE. I gasped.

And the hits kept coming... Billie is dying because Dean killed her with that small wound, and didn't even know it. That's another excellent twist. The past two episodes, back to back, have kept me on my toes about who to ultimately be afraid of. Chuck? Billie? The Empty? It's so much better than this slow march to Chuck vs. Sam and Dean that we've been getting all season, even if we do loop around to Chuck again as the final Big Bad.

The Empty is actually quite a complex, interesting idea for a villain, this entity that doesn't get involved in petty squabbles, doesn't have personal vendettas, but actually just wants to sleep and be left alone. Having Meg be the Empty's face here at the end is also a nice touch. I wish we could have had more of this, truthfully, and I'm curious how The Empty will play a role in how things shake out, if at all.

So... I want to go back to something I've been saying these past couple episodes, about how if this show has a grimdark ending, it will be a betrayal of everything they've set up. It will be so stupid that my anger will manifest in yet another round of hysterical giggles. What I suspect is that we'll get something peaceful, something where trauma will linger but people will get to start anew. Maybe Jack creates a new world outside of Chuck's power. Maybe Sam and Dean take over as God and the Darkness, as some people suggested, and Jack is the new Death. Maybe maybe maybe. Bottom line, I could be satisfied with the majority of this ending, and I can even (obliquely, reluctantly) understand that they wanted one final perma-death to really make the stakes feel higher. If they aren't killing off the Winchesters, that leaves Castiel. So what I'm saying in this paragraph is basically that I'm not guaranteed to despise the ending of this show yet. They could still get it right.

God, that sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it?

Before I end this, I want to talk about, as promised, the few Destiel-related points that I'd classify as "pros", albeit with a big asterisk.

First off, Misha clearly found the moment very cathartic, and he pulled out all the stops, and, in isolation, the confession was hella romantic and quite poignant. Without context, just reading these lines? "The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have" and "because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you..." like, that's some premium content, I won't lie. I also kind of enjoy the idea that Cas finds happiness in saying the words out loud, in being true to who he is. I hate a lot about what happened to Cas here, but if Cas' arc, in its totality, is about embracing humanity, and Dean is the anchor to that, this really does come full circle. He pulled Dean out of Hell, he saved him, he loved him, he'll die for him, and in accepting that love, that human love, he is finally at peace with who he is. Now, mind my comments above, I'm still not happy, but I can see how in one sense, this is narratively poignant. And if others are satisfied with it, I'm happy for them.

(Added bonus, while Jensen's acting was WACK for the majority of that scene, I did like the ending shot, the silence, him not answering Sam's call, crying silently into his hands. That was very nicely shot and acted, I thought.)

Secondly, and this isn't actually praise for the show, it's more a... meta experience? I have to say, the idea that Destiel became sort of canon, but in the most homophobic way possible, in the year 2020, while we're all still waiting for election results to come in is... one of the wildest, most hilarious things to ever have happened to me. I mean it, last night sitting alone in my house I kept cackling loudly to myself, in complete and utter disbelief. I saw Tumblr explode in a way that hasn't happened in years. I was transported back in time nearly a full decade, to the person I was when I started writing these reviews, or even before that, when I was new to Supernatural, new to the whole concept of being truly involved in a fandom.

Here's the thing... I never. Ever. EVER. Thought we would get any sort of textual confirmation. I thought at most, if they went for a happy ending for everyone, we'd get Dean and Cas as hunting partners, and we could all fill in the post-canon gaps. I once told my sister that I'd be happy with a one-sided love confession from Cas to Dean, because that part was practically canon before last night, and in a way, I am happy. I'm happy that this crazy thing actually happened, and if nothing else, all of those clowns can put away their makeup. I was never with them. I never believed, and there's this sliver of me that's happy to have been wrong. It's completely bogus how it happened, but the fact that we live in a reality where it happened is still kind of tripping me out in a major way. So I'm happy, I'm... flabbergasted, but I'm experiencing a very unique, unprecedented soup of emotions this morning and I never would have felt like this if Cas had died with a no homo parting.

And that's the thing, they let it be unambiguously about Dean, not just in that one moment, but all along, and that's really satisfying in a meta narrative sense that when everyone was reading it as "Castiel is in love with Dean," they were... correct. It doesn't really matter when they decided this, in last night's episode they made it crystal-clear that it wasn't a whim, wasn't a recent development, in-universe. This has been Cas' truth from very, very early on, his entire experience since meeting Dean has been shaped by him, he's loved him all this time. That... I don't know, it's absolutely bonkers that this is all we're going to get, but it does mean something, if you want to let it.

Welcome back to 2012, Tumblr. Last night was a wild ride, I won't deny.

I'm giving the episode a bad score, but I just want to say the Destiel scene gets a simultaneous infinity-out-of-ten and also zero-out-of-ten, imploding the multiverse instantly. That's where I'm at, folks. Insert gif of Chidi dropping Peeps into a big pot of chili. I'm gonna go take a nap.

6/10

[aewriting]

I forget where I saw someone say that their Roswell NM OTP is every main character ​and a good therapist, ha (edited to add - it was @soberqueerinthewild, THANK YOU!) but it’s soooo true, and it got me thinking. Full disclosure - Malex is my end game. I hope they get it together. But once they do, they have so, so much trauma and hurt and issues between the two of them that to have a real, healthy relationship it would take a lot of work. And so this little fic was born.

Warning for relationship strife.

(Also edited to now include a "keep reading" option, which I had NO earthly idea how to put in last night on the tumblr mobile app, ha)

Here’s the AO3 link, if you prefer.

***

Michael stumbles out of the bedroom bleary-eyed, out of sorts.

Trepidatious.

The tension eases, slightly, when he smells the coffee, freshly ground.

He hasn’t left.

Not, not that he thinks he would, really, not that he has for years, now, but he can’t help it if that’s where his mind still goes.

Prosthetic’s not on, and he’s moving stiffly, with the crutches. Michael feels a pang of guilt, then anger. It’s Alex’s own damn fault, stubborn ass that he is. Wouldn’t sleep in the damn bed with Michael, and wouldn’t let Michael take the couch. So yeah, he’s probably feeling it this morning. Boo fucking hoo. Maybe next time he’ll just give in...

Michael should have never let him sleep on the couch.

Should have, could have locked him in the damn bedroom.

Michael knows he can hear him - Alex is always hyperaware of shit like that. He probably heard him the instant his feet hit the floor. So it’s frustrating as hell that he’s made no move to turn toward Michael yet, that there’s been no acknowledgement of his presence.

“Hey,” Michael finally says. Loud. Probably obnoxious. He’s wearing only his boxer briefs (nice ones, an Alex purchase last Christmas), and god dammit he’s gonna use that, knows it’s always been one of the best weapons he’s had against Alex and his moods. He ambles over to the kitchen, overly loose. Casual. Leans back, hands on the counter, body on display.

Alex finally eyes him, swallows hard. “Here,” he says, placing a mug of hot black coffee next to Michael’s hand.

The corner of Michael’s mouth quirks up, almost sly. “Thanks.”

“Mmm hmm,” Alex says. He’s still not looking at Michael, not really.

Michael makes a show out of blowing on the coffee, sipping it. He sniffs the air, frowns. “What am I smelling?”

“We had some bananas going bad. I made banana bread. It’s in the oven now.”

Michael’s frown deepens. “How long you been up?”

A shrug. “A while.”

And Michael can’t help it. “Guess the couch wasn’t too comfortable, then?” He sees the slight shake of Alex’s head, the eye roll. Then the guilt comes back, full force. “Look, I’m sorry. About last night. I should have texted.”

Alex is still just looking down at his own coffee cup, face tense.

Michael heaves a sigh and pushes himself off the counter. Approaches Alex from behind, finds him overly stiff when he finally touches him. “I’m sorry, okay? Real sorry.” Skims his hands down Alex’s arms, to his hips, his thighs. “Come to bed and I’ll show you just how sorry.”

And normally, that would do the trick. Alex would fix Michael with one of those dark, intense looks of his, or maybe roll his eyes, even - bite back a smile. The sex was always good like that, too - a little wild, dirty. An edge to it.

This morning, though, Alex exhales. Shrugs off Michael’s touch. “I...” he starts. Then, “No.”

Michael’s eyes widen and he stumbles back, chastened. Scared, honestly. Because in all the time they’ve lived together, he doesn’t think Alex has ever turned him down, not quite like this.

He suddenly feels overexposed, shrinks back. Alex is wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt. Michael wishes he would have pulled something on before coming out of the bedroom.

And he’s pragmatic. Cause he’s had to be. Already thinking about next steps, the Airstream. Isobel’s got a condo now, a nice one - same developer that did Kyle’s, though Isobel’s is nicer, of course... there’s no way her Homeowners Association is gonna let her shady brother park his shitty Airstream in the damn parking lot. He’s saved up some money, though, in these past few years, living with Alex. He’ll, he’ll have more options now than he did at 28, at 17.

He looks at Alex warily, watches him sit down heavily at their little kitchen table. He hangs his head, grips his coffee cup. “Are... are we fooling ourselves?”

“What?” Michael folds his arms in front of himself, like a barrier.

Alex isn’t looking him in the eye. “I just... All those years, when things didn’t work with us, it was so easy to blame all the other shit. The big, external things.”

And shit... this, this might really be it, Michael thinks. He, he’s been waiting for this - like, it was always kind of there in the back of his mind, but it... it maybe, really being here is something different. He tracks Alex’s every expression, every movement with wide-eyed alarm.

“My dad. DADT. Just, like, the military in general. You being,” he exhales shakily, “being an alien. Us seeing other people. And everything with Caulfield, Project Shepherd.”

Alex purses his lips. “But... but it’s just us now. And, and what if that’s the common denominator? Like, what if we’re the problem?” He’s shaking his head, looking stricken. “Dad’s dead, Project Shepherd’s shuttered...”

Michael leans his head back, sighs deeply. “What do you want, Alex? Just, what is this about?” Their eyes finally meet, briefly. “This is more than me forgetting to text.”

“Yeah, yeah it is.” Alex’s brow is furrowed. “It’s... it’s all the texts, that you’ve forgotten.” Michael open his mouth to protest, but Alex barrels forward. “And it’s all the times I’ve gotten mad about them. It’s the way we fight about stupid shit, like keeping the cabin clean, or what we should do on the weekends.” He bites his lip. “It’s all the times one of us has slept on the couch. All the times I’ve thought you were out with someone else. Someone easier, less complicated. All the times you’ve thought I was leaving.”

He’s rubbing at his neck. “Like, do we really think we can do this?”

Michael’s whole body feels tight, coiled. “Do you?”

Alex’s shoulders slump. “I... I don’t know, honestly.”

“Fuck,” Michael mutters, looking away.

“And that’s not to do with you.”

“Bullshit it’s not,” Michael grits out. “Don’t give me this ‘it’s not you it’s me’ bullshit.” He shakes his head. “Not with me.”

“Fine,” Alex says. “But it’s both of us. Like, we’ve been through so much shit, Michael. So much. And the way we grew up...” Alex’s eyes narrow. “You know I don’t know a single couple I’d want to be like? Not a single one where I’m like, wow, that’s a great relationship. Maybe I can have that someday.” He gives a disbelieving little laugh. “Not one! And sure as hell not, not a queer one. Or...” There’s another nearly hysterical little laugh. “Or an interspecies one, for fuck’s sake.”

Michael licks his lips. He’s, he’s grasping for ways to talk Alex down. “Is this about the wedding? Like, second thoughts? Are you, are you not ready?” Michael swallows. “Like, if you need time, I’ll give you time.”

Alex is just staring at him, and Michael starts ticking through the boxes of what else Alex could possibly need, want right now. “Is it, is it the idea of being with, with just me?” And god, he hates what he’s about to say, but he says it. “Cause, cause fuck, Alex, I love you. God knows I, I had years to fuck around. And I know you didn’t get that like I did, with the military and your dad and shit, so if you want that -“

“What the actual fuck, Michael?”

“I, I’m just saying -“

“Have you heard anything I’ve just said?”

And now Michael’s hurt. Offended. “Of course I have.”

“And your first thought was, what, maybe he wants to open this up?” Alex is looking at him, incredulous. “Like, do you?”

“No!” Michael exclaims. “I just, I love you Alex. I, I want you however I can have you.”

“And that’s part of the problem!” Alex says, desperate. “You’re so... so damn self-sacrificing sometimes. And let me just put it out there, for the damn record, you have me. You’ve fucking had me since I was 17, and, and I think I have you, but is that enough?” Alex is hunched over the table now. “Like, I want this to be good for us. Healthy. But, but how can we even know what that looks like?” He shakes his head at Michael. “Like, healthy is not volunteering to have a god damn open relationship at the first sign of trouble. Especially when you don’t even want one, my god.” He blows out a breath. Looks down. At his leg. “And it’s also not, not being a stubborn bastard and ignoring your own health just to stick it to your boyfriend and sleep on the couch.” He curses low, under his breath. “We’re both the problem, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

“I...” Michael starts, then stops. Buffy chooses this instant to trot up to him, curl herself against his bare legs, and fuck, he can’t, can’t imagine leaving Alex, leaving her...

“I left a voicemail for Dr. Ling this morning. Told her I want to start up regular sessions again,” Alex says quietly. “And I think, well, it was her suggestion, actually, when I was seeing her before. She said that maybe we should consider couple’s therapy.”

Michael scoffs, at that. Rolls his eyes.

Alex sees, and his jaw tightens. “You know,” he starts. “ I think it’s more than a little - “ he breathes, regroups. “I think it’s telling that you’d sooner suggest that we fuck other people than actually talk to someone about this.”

And fuck if he doesn’t have a point, there.

The truth of it rattles Michael, and he finally sits down across from Alex. Sets the coffee mug on the table, a little too rough. “I don’t want to have to go in there and lie.”

Alex purses his lips. “I... I get that. I know you hate that. But, with this, I think we could still get something out of it. I mean, I have to lie. To Dr. Ling. About you.” He sees Michael’s face. “And I know that’s not the same. It’s definitely not. But, but I think it could help us, Michael. I mean, even if we never even touch the alien stuff, there’s so much else.” He pauses. “And maybe, maybe we could learn. Learn to really talk to each other. So that when we did need to talk, about anything - even the alien stuff, especially the alien stuff - we could.”

And Michael looks at him, really looks. He’s just this side of desperate. Almost pleading, but... but there’s still hope. And the hope does it. Because he wasn’t lying when he said he’d do anything for Alex, and he knows it says something really fucking strange about him that, even after all these years, he’d find it easier to, to take a goddamn hammer for him than to open up like this, in this way. But at his core, he knows he’s right.

He breathes deep and looks right at Alex. “If it’ll keep you off this couch,” he says, pointedly, “then yeah, I’ll go put in my time on a different one.”

And Alex, Alex looks so relieved. Reaches across the table and grasps Michael’s hand with his own, still warm from gripping his coffee mug. “Thank you.”

Michael leans forward, then - cradles Alex’s face with his other hand, and gives him a kiss. A real one. Not urgent. Just... genuine.

And Alex smiles, pulls away and looks down, almost shy.

“What?” Michael asks.

“I, I just...” Alex finally looks at him, quirks an eyebrow. “I told myself I wasn’t gonna do this, this morning, told myself that we were gonna talk, but, well... want to spend a little time on, on our couch, first?”

The invitation is clear, and now it’s Michael’s turn to be relieved.

“Yes.”

[lordendsavior]

In the latest episode of HBO’s new NSFW teen drama Euphoria, there was sex scene between Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson. Well, kinda. One of the characters in the show, Kat (played by Barbie Ferreira), is famous online for writing One Direction fan fiction, specifically about Larry Stylinson, the name given to the theory that Styles and Tomlinson were, in fact, lovers. The sex scene in the episode actually comprised of versions of the two former boyband members in an animated scene lifted from one of this character’s stories. It’s unfortunate that the animation left Styles looking a little like Lord Voldemort and Tomlinson like a sweaty teenage boy. 

But while that aspect of the show might not have been real, the conspiracy of Larry Stylinson very much is. Since One Direction were launched off the back of The X Factor in 2010, Tomlinson and Styles have been dogged by rumours that they are embroiled in a love affair. On Tumblr – a breeding ground for fan theories, fan art, fan videos and fan fiction – fans would collect GIFs, images and videos of the pair that “proved” that they were in a relationship. A lingering glance was decoded as a lustful stare, the brush of knees during an interview a sign of a secret intimacy. These in turn would mutate into smutty fan fiction about the pair, where these unspoken sexual wants could play out in full explicit glory.

In the tradition of Bennifer and Brangelina, their names, like their desires, were brought together for the portmaneu Larry Stylinson. Shipping them – the act of wanting two people to be together romantically – became a way of life for some fans. To this day, these fans, known as Larries, are unwavering in their belief, love and support of Larry Stylinson.

The same cannot be said for Louis Tomlinson. For nearly nine years, he has been dogged by rumours and speculation about his relationship with Styles. This latest outing of Larry in Euphoria is just another example of the theory’s pervasiveness. After the scene aired, some fans on Twitter messaged Tomlinson to see if he had been consulted about the scene. His reply was telling. “I can categorically say that I was not contacted nor did I approve it,” he wrote.

For years, Tomlinson has categorically denied that Larry is real. In 2012  he responded to a fan stating that “Larry is the biggest load of b——- I’ve ever heard”, and in a 2017 interview with The Sun, the Doncaster-born singer said that he found the rumours disrespectful of his relationships with women and shared how it had also affected his friendship with Styles. “It took away the vibe you get off anyone. It made everything, I think on both fences, a little bit more unapproachable,” he revealed. “I think it shows that it was never anything real, if I can use that word.”

The decision to include the animated Larry sex scene in Euphoria has provied divisive. On Twitter, One Direction fans have dubbed it “disrespectful”, “vile” and an “embarrassment”. Even self-professed Larries called out the scene and some fans went so far as to start a Change.org petition to have the scene removed from the episode. (At the time of writing it has over nearly 17,000 signatures.)

The fandom’s rejection of Larry, at first, seems hypocritical. How can the very people who have spent years perpetuating the narrative that Tomlinson and Styles are romantically linked show annoyance when that same narrative gets utilised in wider media? However, fandom, specifically fan fiction, is a contradictory and confusing beast. The thing is, Larry Stylinson is bigger than the two boyband members at its core. Their supposed romantic relationship really has nothing to do with them at all.

To give a brief history of fan fiction, the medium, while it always existed in some form, came to prominence in the 1970s in fanzines for the TV show Star Trek. Then known as slash fiction (the slash refers to the forward slash that divide the two characters, for example “Kirk/Spock”), these early writings reexamined scenes within Star Trek episodes where it appeared that there was coded queer behaviour, language or sexual tension. A chance meeting on the bridge of the USS Enterprise could result in steamy sex behind a computer console. A violent clash with a Klingon that left either Spock/Kirk injured, may end with a restorative tryst in a hospital wing.

As fan communities evolved from zines to online forums, so fan fiction became more widely accessible. Forums gave birth to sites like fanfiction.net and archiveofourown.org, where every intellectual property from Harry Potter to Bob the Builder was free game. And not every story written was sexual, either. Many fan fictions, while romantic in nature, kept their plots suitable for all ages. They also mainly took fictional characters and queered formerly heteronormative (or platonic) senarios.

Incorporating of real people – celebrities, public figures, popstars, actors, artists – into these stories propagated during this online boom of fan fanction. Portals like nifty.org had dedicated sections for celebrity fan fiction, while sites like Wattpad, a sort of social media site for writers to share their work, filled with stories about famous people. During One Direction’s imperial phase, Wattpad especially became a hive of 1D fan fiction.

And not all of it was slash fiction, either. Anna Todd’s popular YA novel After, which became a movie this year, had its beginnings as One Direction fan fiction on Wattpad. That story featured a heterosexual relationship. Her literary success follows in the footsteps of EL James, whose Twilight fan fiction was repackaged as 50 Shades of Grey.

Nevertheless, it’s fair to say that much fan fiction, smutty or not, specifically draws on queer narratives. The reasons for this are multi-faceted. Demographically, fan fiction is predominantly written by women. In the case of Spock and Kirk, it has been argued by academics that in queering their relationship, women were able to carve out safe sexual spaces in the world of fiction away from the dominant glare of patriarchal sexuality.

According to fandom academic Camille Bacon-Smith, the fact that the gender of the characters was the same allowed women to reconstruct men without the toxicity of masculinity. The American writer Joanna Russ added to this, suggesting that in this safe space, women were able to explore their fantasies outside the confines of heteropatriarchal normalcy.

In fact, Constance Penley, a professor of Film & Media Studies at the University of California, Santa Barbara, wrote in her book Nasa/Trek Popular Science and Sex in America that the gender of the characters was irrelevant. The act of having characters acknowledge their homosexual desires, she argued, was a metaphorical one, grounded in a desire to change “oppressive sexual roles”.

Still, exploring sexual desire with fictional characters doesn’t feel like an ethical problem. Neither, really, do private fantasies about real people. But fan fiction takes those private fantasies and makes them public. If authors like JK Rowling and Annie Proulx (Brokeback Mountain) take umbrage with fans writing their own stories using their made up characters, how do real people feel about having their lives dissected and fictionalised for entertainment?

The problem is the blurred line between celebrity and the human being. As celebrity’s lives playout on websites, television and physical media, their real life stories – often fabricated for headlines or sales – become a sport. There’s a twisted sense of ownership over these people. The public, as a throbbing and beating entity, made them famous. Their payment is their lives. The boundaries begin to disappear, and these human beings become characters in a soap opera. The internet, which its unending ocean of content, only helps to conjure more moments that fans can decode or adapt for their fics.

The implications of this are different for everyone. Stars like Benedict Cumberbatch and Andrew Scott, who played Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty respectively in the BBC’s cult favourite Sherlock, take the fictionalised versions of their lives in their stride. In an interview with MTV, Cumberbatch, while acknowledging that he found some of the racier stories weird, called it “flattering”. Daniel Radcliff and James McAvoy also seemed to be able to find the humour in it (although, again, acknowledging that they find it “really weird"). There’s also those who just outright ignore that this phenomenon exists.

Harry Styles, despite being one half of Larry Stylinson, has only ever alluded to it once. After the release of his debut solo album, fans speculated that the track Sweet Creature was about Tomlinson. In an interview with a radio station, Styles said: “I think people are always gonna speculate what songs are about, and I don’t think I’d ever want to tell anyone that they’re wrong for feeling what they feel about a song. Even when they’re not necessarily right. But I think if you really listen to the lyrics, I think you can work out if it’s really about that or not, and I would lean towards no.”

However, this level of ambivalence isn’t always easy. In a recent interview with British GQ, Taron Egerton expressed his discomfort with people writing fan fiction about him. “I don’t know why people think I’d want to see that,” he said. “I don’t love it at all.”

It seems that Louis Tomlinson exists firmly in this camp. And unlike these other celebrities, the ship he was involved in evolved into a full blown conspiracy theory. Fans accused management of keeping his and Styles’s relationship a secret. Paparazzi pictures, performances, interviews, press cuttings, tweets and Instagram posts were dissected for clues that the pair were linked. Tomlinson and Styles were bombarded on Twitter by fans, the first comment under every post on social media almost always being “Larry is real”. That level of scrutiny would have been difficult for anyone, but for a teenager progressing into young adulthood it was unbearable.

What’s debatable is whether any of these fans and their libraries of “proof” and “receipts” actually believe that Larry Stylinson is real or whether shipping them is just an extension of their fan fiction fantasies. For the millions of One Direction fans, the members of the group, while clearly real people, were also mythic, so far removed from their realities that they were almost imaginary.

Anyone who has ever truly obsessed over a band or musician can understand that this distance between true human interaction incubates a need to develop an alternative form of intimacy, be it through listening religiously to their music, attending concerts or cooking up fantasies.

And because of the inequalities in knowledge between celebrities and non-celebrities, where we know everything about them and they know nothing about us, these fantasies, and in turn our perceptions of them, become skewered. This mutation is the perfect breeding ground for fan fiction and conspiracy theories as we attempt to fill in the blanks in our intimate knowledge of celebrity lives.

In the case of One Direction, whose fans were mainly young girls and gay boys, this fantasy  became a way to explore their own sexual wants and desires. It’s what the showrunner of Euphoria, Sam Levinson, told The Los Angeles Times he was trying to convey by having the character of Kat write 1D fan fiction.

The fact that the members of that boyband were in a similar age bracket only intensified things. Intimacy and a coarse understanding of celebrity saw the lines between fantasy and reality blur, accelerated and magnified by social media. In a way, it stopped being about Styles or Tomlinson and became about the fans, the community they’d found, a safe space to explore their desires in which those desires were often mirrored and supported by others in their community.

Does all that make real person fan fiction okay? Speaking to i-D, sex psychologist Jess O’Reilly, put it like this: “How might is make someone feel? How would their parents, partner(s), kids or friends feel about reading it? How would they feel if their friends and family read your work? How would you feel if someone published a similar story about you, your child, your partner, your best friend, your sibling or someone else you love?”

For Tomlinson, who has repeatedly shared the impact the sexual speculation had on his relationship with Styles, maybe a line has been crossed. His discomfort with the theories and fan fiction, along with countless other public figures who take issue with it, should be respected.

And, really, in the pantheon of fandoms, Larry Stylinson was its own perfect storm of burgeoning internet cultures, the proliferation of social media and cute boys singing pop bangers. The need to share sexual desires in fan fiction and, by extension, romantic celebrity conspiracy theories, feels more complicated than mere right or wrong, but rather an expanse of grey, ethical ambiguity.

It also feels too late for it to stop, too. Perhaps, as the role and makeup of what constitutes celebrity evolves, accepting fan fiction in its myriad of forms, like with gossip and rumours, is par for the course. Clearly, it’s up to the individual to figure out if they’re okay with that.

[afanoftheglassscientists]

The Glass Scientists...Midnight Predictions?

Pupy and his creatures hath returned and I immediately wanted to start this week’s predictions after last week’s page.  If the tgs tag wasn’t so cozy I might have made like seven different posts by the time this Sunday.  As it stands I feel like if I do more than three posts a week I’ll end up swallowing everyone else’s hard work because of the frequency.  These posts are long because I still have some restraint left in me to wait...but then I spend way too long on this post and Monday rolls around...whoops.  So now this is...a Glass Scientists MIDNIGHT Predictions post!!!

Anyway tailors are scary and they scare me, but I wonder why Jasper’s a little frazzled at the thought of them?  Also Jekyll what are you doing with Jasper’s collar?  Are you straightening it or loosening it?  I hope its the latter because my child must be set  f r e e.  F R E E   H I M  !  !  !

After exploring these questions regarding tomorrow’s page I’ll be talking about Jasper’s immunity to the nightmates.  Last week I actually came close in predicting that Jekyll can still concentrate on doing productive things like helping Jasper, but last page reminded me of what makes Jasper unique in the story as well as my predictions made for this chapter as whole.  It also reminded me that Jekyll’s desire to be depended upon is going to be even more prominent now than I thought, and its going to get worse before it gets better.  Hopefully it gets better.  Please let it get better Miss Sabrina.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you this one was going to be long folks.  

Tomorrow’s Page Predictions (Ch. 8, Pg. 8)

Tailoring Troubles

I feel I need to acknowledge the elephant in the room here:  Jasper is queer.  This isn’t up for debate.  Sabrina made it very clear that almost everyone in The Glass Scientists is Bi, and she specifically referred to Jasper and Jekyll as queer.  I don’t think its much of a stretch to assume Jasper doesn’t feel great about being measured because of this aspect of him, which he might not be proud of yet and is also scared of what might happen if that part of him is revealed.  Not to jump the gun here, but maybe Jasper calling himself a monster in Chapter 2 wasn’t in reference to him being a werewolf.

“I’m not a real scientist!  I’m not even a real human anymore!  I’m...just a monster.”

“Just” meaning “what’s left for them to be,” and not “what they’ve become.”

However I’m not going to get into specifics as to why Jasper’s identity plays into his fear of tailoring here, because I think that requires us knowing more about how Jasper actually identifies, which at this point in time is still pretty vague.  So instead I’m making a list of all the other reasons why Jasper might not want to meet a tailor.

Tailor might judge him for his usual attire.

Tailor have long snake-like ropes that wrap around you that don’t have cute doggy faces so whatd the point I ask of you.

Tailor might make comments about Jasper’s body like, “oh nice collarbone,” or “you could lose some weight a bit here,” and it might be a nice gesture to ease tensions but don’t

While being measured Jasper is scared breathing will mess with the measurements and consequently almost passes out.

Jasper has a bunch of bites and scratches all over his body due to his creatures (plus the werewolf that bit him) and he thinks its fine and normal but the tailor might faint in horror.

If tailor accidentally pokes him he might jump out of his skin and attach himself to the ceiling.

Jekyll wht r you doin?

While Jekyll is making Jasper uncomfortable at the mention of tailoring he is doing something that would make me uncomfortable in Jasper’s situation.  Don’t just go messing with other peoples clothes, Jekyll!  Especially when its around their neck!  Anyway what he’s doing with that bow?

Option 1 - He’s rearranging the bow to make it even - alright fair, but he should have warned Jasper first!  I feel like a PTA mom ready to call the principal.

Option 2 - He’s removing the bow altogether - F R E E  H I M.  In Sabrina’s blog waaaaaaaaay back when one of the sketches introducing Jasper showed him sitting down looking like he just went through a sauna and is giving the dopiest look.  I feel like releasing him from the bow prison and being able to take a full breadth would give him the same feeling.  Listen we got the Hungry Jasper we will get the Dopey Jasper!

Option 3 - He’s replacing the bow with a bow that might suit him better - No keep it off let Jasper be f r e e.

Option 4 - He just wants to play dress up - I’M CALLING YOUR MOM!!!

Option 5 - Jekyll doesn’t have the chance because Jasper backs away at the thought of tailors - You win this round uneven bow.

---

General Predictions

Before Chapter 8 started I predicted that Jasper would join the Concerned for Jekyll Club.  I was also going to add that if Jasper does try to show concern for Jekyll, Jekyll would hit back that concern and center it toward Jasper.  He wants to help and fuss over Jasper, and NEVER wants that help and fussing over to be geared toward him.  Being fussed over implies he has a problem.�� Jekyll doesn’t have a problem, Jasper has the problem!  That’s why he needs to help Jasper, see?  Its important they keep that dynamic, otherwise Jekyll would have to confront his own issues and that’s just not as fun.

And what do you know: Lanyon, who is a professional Jekyll fusser-over, is deeply affected by the nightmates, but Jasper, who’s still preoccupied with his own worries, isn’t.  Hyde said so himself-

“Jasper’s the only person left who isn’t yelling at, gossiping about, or relentlessly fussing over Jekyll.  And that’s a problem.”

Now Hyde’s not mad at Jasper here, because this has nothing to do with Jasper and has to do entirely with Jekyll’s perception of him, which is as a reprieve, or to put in the Broadway show Wicked’s terms, a “new project.”  He’s a opportunity for Jekyll to practice his hobby, like a office worker getting the chance to write a few extra pages in his novel about snails.  And a novel about snails wouldn’t ask its author to take a break now would it?

Jasper’s not targeted by the nightmates because he hasn't done anything yet to change Jekyll’s view of him.  He’s a nice young man who has agreed to be a respectable mad scientist under Jekyll’s wing.  Both parties get something out of this arrangement, and there is no possible way for this to go wrong.  Easy peasy...

So How Does This Go Wrong

For me, there’s three ways for Jasper’s nightmate-free bubble to burst: Jasper confronts Jekyll, Jasper is negatively affected by Jekyll’s attention, or Jekyll is forced to recognize how dependent he is on Jasper’s need for his help.  Here’s how we could get to any of these points-

Jasper Starts to Put the Pieces Together - I still have my money on Jasper being more observant than he lets on, but is easily distracted by outside situations or inner fears.  If Jasper starts to remedy these self fears he might have a moment to register how Jekyll is much more enthusiastic about helping him than he is with, say, helping a sick elderly mad scientist up in the attic.  Or how Jekyll looks at his fellow lodgers and Lanyon versus how he looks at Jasper.  Or how Jekyll doesn’t seem to do have anything else to do on his free time.  Oh he still treats Frankenstein and go to important meetings, but if Jasper asks what Jekyll does on his off-time would Jekyll give him that same blank-eyed stare he gave him in front of his door?  I don’t think he’d be creeped out right away, but he might start to think that Jekyll needs to like, sleep or something...

Lodgers Gossip and/or are also Worried - The Lodgers gossip about Jekyll, that’s pretty clear from Hyde’s comment, which is why they’re affected by the nightmates.  And what’s this?  Jekyll seems to concentrate an awful lot on Jasper.  Why is that?  I think there might be a mix of Lodgers who will gossip about Jasper alongside Jekyll, Lodgers on Team Frankenstein who want to bring Jasper on their side of the playing field or at least out from under Jekyll’s “respectable” thumb, and maybe Lodgers who realize that Jekyll treating Jasper like his personal therapy tool is, like, bad and want to either tell off Jekyll or tell Jasper this isn’t a great situation.  Jasper might not see it as a serious issue, but he might be inclined to start doubting it.

Lanyon Confronts Jekyll on it OR Tell Jasper About Jekyll’s Situation - Hyde’s annoyed at Jekyll being around Jasper basically because Jasper’s NOT doing things that Lanyon would do, which is hilarious given how much Hyde tooootally hates Lanyon.  So wouldn’t it be funny if Lanyon was the one to burst the bubble?  Anyway there’s a likely chance that Lanyon will notice how Jasper seems to be the only Lodger who doesn’t see Jekyll stressed, because he doesn’t realize that he’s the de-stresser.  And if he does than Lanyon will have to first go, “Really Henry, ANOTHER werewolf!?” and then go, “How do I handle this situation in regards to Jekyll’s problems, not to mention finding Hyde?”  He might find issues with their dynamic (n-not that he’d be jealous or anything! b-b-baka!) and tell Jekyll he should probably take a break, or tell Jasper he needs to refuse Jekyll’s help every single time he offers it, because it could hurt Jekyll in the long run.  He could also try to set aside his concerns and use it to his advantage.  Jekyll doesn’t seem to want Lanyon’s company or answer his questions, but maybe if Jasper asked questions Jekyll would be more willing to give answers, even if its not truthful answers.   I do a lot of predictions centered around problems Jekyll, Jasper and Hyde have, along with a little bit of Rachel’s flaws, but I think I might talk more on Lanyon’s faults as well at a later date.

Frankenstein -  Just Frankenstein.  That’s it.  That’s all it takes.  I’ll leave you to imagine how she’d affect the situation.

---

Okay I need to stop here.  I might come back to the topic later because it involves Jasper but for now I think it filled my quota.  I hope you enjoy this while we wait for tomor...this morning’s page.

And since this is a midnight post...

That’s it for this midnight prediction.  Now go to bed!

[honeylikewords]

Talk to me about tros!!!! I need to know about Poe!!

Okay, I’m finally sitting down to answer this anon, and a few things before I start!

1. Most of what I’m going to say will really only make sense if you go see The Rise of Skywalker yourself. While it’s far from a perfect movie, it’d take way too long for me to try and transcribe everything that happens in the film, and the context and nuance of certain scenes. So, yeah, while it’s not a good movie, if you’re invested in seeing how the movies have played out, you should probably go see it yourself.

2. I have some... mixed feelings about the movie. I also know that what I don’t like, I can choose to ignore; despite the disappointments of the series, I don’t have to take Rian or JJ’s bullshit as MY canon. I get to decide what I do and don’t adhere to as canon. Everyone else has their own varying scales of how they respond to canon-- some are super adherent to canon, some don’t care about anything at all-- and that’s fine. So although I have beef with how all this unfolded, I also know that I can take my love that I have for the characters (and all the potential that The Force Awakens had) and carry that on through my own interpretations, re-writes, et cetera, and I can choose to ignore the poor decisionmaking on the parts of Disney and Rian/JJ/who-the-fuck-ever. 

3. This ask is very open-ended, so I’m going to have to put some parameters down for myself because otherwise I’d get too overwhelmed with the breadth of information I’d need to present about TRoS. A comprehensive review would be really hard to write out, so I’ll just list some initial impressions (I haven’t been able to see it a second time, but likely will in the near future), and some of the relevant Poe-related issues in the films. If you wanna know more, feel free to send in more specific questions (specificity can help, because with my neurotype, I can easily be overwhelmed by large, “general” questions, and getting more granular can help me rein in and focus on a specific idea)!

4. Also, this post isn’t going to be friendly to R*ylo or people who straightwash Poe/are only interested in him as a straight guy. R*ylo is fucking gross, and I’m gonna rip it apart in this post, and Poe isn’t straight. I try not to be too aggressive on here (I’m generally not very aggressive at all!), but the fandom is just so toxic and vile at times that I feel like I need to put my foot down on these topics and say a firm “no” to R*ylos and Poe straightwashers. Oh, and I’ll be talking about the racism in the movie, as well as in the fandom, so buckle up for that, too. So consider this the “bigots begone!” spell as I wave my wand and attempt to shoo them all away!

Anyway...

From here down are spoilers for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. If you’re interested in seeing the movie spoiler-free, please scoot waaaaay past this post! Last warning!

And, with that out of the way, here we go!

Alright, here’s a list of stuff as it occurs to me. I’m almost overwhelmed with information, so it’s hard to condense my thoughts, but I’ll try my best!

1. The whole Zorri thing was a fucking nightmare, but not as bad as it could have been. It was really bad, believe me, but, like, it can be ignored easily (though if you’re anything like me, it’ll still leave a sour taste in your mouth). Like I predicted, Zorri was introduced to straightwash Poe and effectively quash any queer interpretations of his character and relationship with Finn. 

But, like, Poe and Zorri had no chemistry. It was almost embarrassing; they were clearly trying to work the “badass woman” angle, but, eh, she was just, basically, a minor blip on the radar; incredibly boring, incredibly useless, and just, like, a “sexy lamp” that could easily have been replaced. She added literally nothing to the film and was blatantly just an insert to try and prevent people from being able to make the case for a queer Poe. But, too bad, Disney! Poe is pansexual, dumbasses!

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of Poe’s queerness, I should add that I’m not really a big FinnPoe, myself; when it got big after the release of The Force Awakens, if felt like just another creepy Tumblr fetishization of male relationships, so that really set the tone for how I’d see it in the coming years. It’s grievously oversexualized on this site, but I also respect that, for many actually queer fans, the ship represents seeing themselves in Star Wars, and I do totally see their bond as canon. I completely acknowledge that Oscar wanted to represent the queer fans who wanted his character to be queer, and in that way, FinnPoe is definitely canon in some form! 

So, I do have a complex relationship with FinnPoe, in that it’s not my personal favorite ship (I vastly prefer FinnRey, since I never really felt that Finn and Poe had a romantic tension, but felt that Finn and Rey did), but I do respect the importance of it for queer fans and for trying to push at the limitations a major series like Star Wars has had for so long. Star Wars has been dominated as a straight, cishet, white man’s fandom; it’s time other people got a chance to love it and see themselves in this vast universe, too.

The cast also seems to be leaning into FinnPoe as a form of protest against censorship and homophobia in the fandoms and film world. They’re using their positions as major film stars to push back and say “hey, queer folks belong here, too”, and that’s so great!

But, anyway, the point is, Zorri sucked, and Poe’s not straight. He’s certainly capable of being attracted to women, but he’s not a straight dude, because he’s equally capable of being attracted to men and nonbinary people as well. 

Thankfully, Zorri and Poe never actually form a relationship in TRoS. He jokes about asking for a kiss, she tells him to go, and then he, at the end, sort of motions his head as if to say “wanna go kiss?” and she, again, tells him no, which he shrugs off. It’s pretty shitty, but easy to ignore.

Anyway, Poe is pan, Finn is pan, Lando is pan, Luke Skywalker is gay and nonbinary, Rey is nonbinary and probably ace, maybe interested in girls, I’m still ironing my hcs for her out, and no one can stop me! Go ahead and try to kill me, Disney (and homophobic Star Wars fans); if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!

2. Poe’s “backstory” is such a fucking trainwreck. They basically tried to nix a bunch of what was already canonically established in order to, get this, make Poe a drug dealer. 

It’s a little more complex-- the idea is that Poe was a pilot for a group of pirates for about six years, from the age of 16 until he was 22-ish, and ran Spice, the drug in Star Wars-- but it’s also not. It’s really bad. 

Way to take a canonically noble, hardworking, Latino character and reduce him to the most shitty, racist stereotype imaginable. I’ve already complained about him not needing a “dark” past, but this? This is somehow worse than him being, like, a bounty hunter, because it carries political implications and is just such a stock, trash stereotype that we don’t need in this world or in our fantasies. It’s ridiculous, and I refuse to acknowledge it.

Worse yet, it’s said that Poe “ran away from home” to join the pirates to “avoid responsibility” at age 16... dude, Poe has been shown in EVERY PRIOR CANONICAL APPEARANCE TO CRAVE NOTHING BUT RESPONSIBILITY. Yes, he’s a hothead, but he’s responsible! He wants to labor and take on caring for others because he’s a hardworking, compassionate, headstrong man! Ugh!

I could go off forever about this, but I’m already feeling myself grinding my teeth, and for the sake of my blood pressure and psychological wellbeing I’m not going to make myself go feral over it right now. Deep breaths, K, deep breaths...

3. In things I did like: Poe got promoted to general, and he made Finn a general alongside him. He really grew into his position, and I’m so proud to see him as General Dameron of the Resistance. He deserves it. 

4. Poe and Finn had SO many good scenes and such great chemistry. I loved seeing them bounce off each other, and their relationship made me laugh and smile and feel warm, even as everything else was falling apart. I love my boys!

5. Poe gets grossed out by bones. Canon. Love a squeamish king.

6. Oh, ugh, I just remembered that they tried to frame Poe and Rey as having an aggressive relationship with each other and I rolled my eyes. How dumb can they be? Ugh. I don’t even have the energy to try and unpack how ridiculous all that is. More deep breaths...

7. In terms of the worst thing to happen in the movie... R*ylo, like, gets shoehorned in. Honestly, looking back at all the predictions I made a few months back, I’m entirely right; everything I predicted came to pass. This included.

It was shitty and bad and nearly all the cast has spoken out against it now that their contracts with Disney aren’t as binding, and seeing it happen on the big screen was just... oh my god, it was horrifying.

It really was.

But thankfully, Kylo died, so the ship can’t really continue! Yeehaw!

8. I actually did like parts of the ending. I’ll talk about that more if anyone asks more specific questions, but right now, I’m kinda burning out because of the wide net this ask casts, so I’ll have to defer for the moment.

At any rate, it all happened exactly the way I thought it would, bleh. Like, so much shit in the movie went down exactly the way my TRoS predictions post said, it’s almost scary. 

Honestly, though, just running through all this is exhausting me; I really can’t make myself go through it all in this particular format. So, I’ll just leave this here as it is, and if anyone has any specific questions-- what I thought of specific moments, characters, scenes, etc-- send an ask! But this is all just really wide and general and burning my brain out to try and process it all again, so more specificity in future asks might help me stay more on track and not get overwhelmed trying to explain every single thing all at once. 

I have tons and tons of thoughts about it, ranging from what I loved to what I’d have done different about the whole series, but I just don’t have the psychological wherewithal to make myself write everything out in one giant, dense, indecipherable post: it’s just all too much, so I’d need to break it down into smaller, more specific questions.

This probably isn’t a super-satisfying answer, but feel free to just send specific asks and I’ll answer them, no matter how many! It just helps to have a specific line of thought to follow, so feel free to ask about each individual thing and I’ll try to answer!

Thanks!

[jmsa1287]

Not Just for the Straight Guy: 'Queer Eye' Reboots & Rebrands Itself on Netflix

i wrote about the rebooted “Queer Eye” on Netflix

It's been over a decade since the hit makeover show "Queer Eye," once known by its longer title "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," ended its five season run on Bravo. A lot has changed since it went off the airwaves in 2007, including the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" measure and the legalization of same-sex marriage in the U.S. Rebooted and rebranded, the second iteration of "Queer Eye," which hits Netflix on Feb. 7, offers something more substantial than just hair care tips or clothing advice. The new Fab 5 wants their viewers to know beauty isn't only skin deep.

In the weeks leading up to the rebooted "Queer Eye," series creator David Collins promised the new series will push the envelope when it comes to a number of social issues, including LGBTQ rights and the Black Lives Matter movement.

"It's a new time with a new audience," he told Entertainment Weekly in December. "If the original round was about tolerance, this time it is about acceptance.

"If you think about the original five, we definitely weren't going to be talking about that Tan [France] is married to a Mormon cowboy, let alone that he's Muslim," Collins added. "So it's those authentic moments that really pay off in this new version of 'Queer Eye.'"

The first "Queer Eye," which debuted in July 2003, gained notoriety for "normalizing" gay life thanks to its Fab Five - five men who were openly gay and not ashamed of their sexuality were in the homes of millions of Americans across the country. Though 2003 may not seem that long ago, the U.S.'s views on LGBTQ people were starkly different than today and marriage equality was still a dream - it wasn't until 2004 that Massachusetts became the first state to recognize same-sex marriage.

In the show, the Fab Five took over the lives of (usually) slobby straight men, making them and their homes over while teaching them life skills. That format is still the case for the rebooted "Queer Eye," which features a brand new crew. The new Fab Five is made up of Karamo Brown (culture), Jonathan Van Ness (grooming), Tan France (fashion), Antoni Porowski (food and wine), and Bobby Berk (design). Unlike the first series, which was set in New York City, Netflix's version finds the Fab Five heading down South - specifically, Georgia, which doesn't have the best track record when it comes to LGBTQ equality and protection.

Collins may be hyping up the new "Queer Eye" as the "woke" version of the show but the new Fab Five only scratch the surface of what could be a provoking unscripted series. That doesn't mean "Queer Eye" is bad or not worth your time - it's an enjoyable and easy watch that's fully entertaining.

In a few moments throughout the eight episodes provided for review, "Queer Eye" edges up to discussing important issues but avoids getting in to the weeds. The new show lacks the political bite it promises - if you're looking for a deep discussion about LGBTQ rights by five proud gay men with Trump-supporting police officers from Georgia this isn't it.

One of the most interesting moments from the show comes in the third episode when straight guy Cory - the aforementioned Trump-supporting cop - and Karamo are bonding while driving in car alone together. Earlier in the episode, Cory's friend, also a police officer, pulls the Fab Five over while Karamo, a black man, is driving. Though the incident ends up being a gag, it's a tense moment that finds Karamo worried about how he'll be treated by the authorities. It later serves as a talking point when Karamo expresses his feelings over the faux pull over.

"The perception right now, especially between black people and cops - it's tension," Karamo says, adding that when he was pulled over he was "freaking out."

"I thought, 'This is going to be that incident when I get dragged out of the car,'" he continues. "...My whole thing is, obviously not all black people want to be lumped in one category as criminals, which sometimes we feel that way."

"And all police officers don't want to be lumped into being the bad guy," Cory says. "I get stereotyped because of that 10% shown on the media of being excessive or killing a black guy that didn't need to have deadly force used upon him."

Cory then recalls a recent nearby incident about a cop kicking a man in the face after he was handcuffed.

"There was nothing that makes it alright," he said.

"I got to tell you just even hearing you acknowledging that the officer that used force should never have just heals me and gives me a little bit of relief," Karamo tells Cory. "All I ever hear usually is cops sticking together, saying, 'What about us?' And it is true, what about you all? But it's also like, what about us? We're both dealing with the same pain on two different ends. But none of us are acknowledging it."

"It does go both ways and I'm glad you feel that way," Cory responds. "Black lives matter. They weren't able to be heard and the police officers weren't able to be heard. If we could sit down and have a conversation like you and I just did, things would be a lot better in society. Everyone wants to talk but nobody wants to listen."

In his confessional later, Karamo says, "The beauty with what is happening here is that I am open and I'm going to stay open because I need him to learn from me and I need to learn from.

"Right now our country seems to bet getting worse and worse and worse and it has to start somewhere and I'm not saying a conversation with one police officer and one gay guy is going to solve problems but maybe it can open up eyes to something more," he adds.

Indeed, Karamo is right - it's a start and an admirable effort with a moving payoff. But these moments come far and few between in "Queer Eye."

In the fourth episode the Fab Five make over civil engineer AJ, who is gay. AJ is shy and not out to his stepmother, who was married to his late father. Part of the episode finds the Fab Five guiding AJ, who has kept his life and boyfriend separate from his family, into feeling comfortable with talking with his stepmom. Though the episode is touching, it also has a concerning moment when AJ is speaking with Tan about his conservative style. AJ gets anxious when Tan explains his fashion plans for him.

Tan says he wants AJ to dress younger and "dress sexy, feel sexy"

"Just don't make me look feminine - or just some regular guy on the street. Keep me original still," AJ says.

"I want to mention one word that you just mentioned: 'feminine,'" Tan says. "Why are you concerned about that? And it's a concern a lot of gay guys [have]."

"A lot of my friends they live more free with what they wear and I just couldn't do it," AJ responds.

"...You being your true self isn't going to offend anybody," Tan says. "It's very unlikely people are going to cause you an issue just be cur being yourself. And if their concerned that's ton them - your happy."

Though Tan's advice is sound, it doesn't go far enough in correcting AJ that there really isn't anything wrong with dressing "feminine." Again, a commendable moment but one that doesn't quiet go there.

"Queer Eye" is a well-meaning reboot that can be easily binge-watched - the new Fab Five hold their own and are all thoroughly charismatic. It's also a cathartic experience, with almost every episode in the season ending in tears and the men expressing their admiration and respect for the Fab Five, proving the country has indeed come a long way when it comes to LGBTQ rights. Netflix's "Queer Eye" may not the remedy to solve America's deeply rooted divide but it does provide hope, proving even straight cis white men from the most conservative parts of the U.S. appreciate a fierce makeover, honey.

[puns-and-fics-has-moved]

Finding Her

Part 2/5

<<Previous  Next>>

Pairing: marliza (maria x eliza)

Premise: modern soulmate au – Eliza and Maria desperately seek their soulmate in a world where their first words to you are written on your arm from birth.

Warnings: swearing

Word Count: 1698

a/n: enjoy <3

“Wow!” Eliza cried, grinning. “Um… hi. I’m Eliza … what’s your name?

The beautiful girl swallowed, having trouble thinking. “Um… Maria.”

A gorgeous smile lit up Eliza’s features. “That’s a really beautiful name! And, if I may say, you’re really beautiful too, like… your smile is amazing.”

Maria was taken aback. No one had ever complimented her smile. It was always something about her body or her face… never her smile. “Thanks…”

“Look, I’m so sorry, I have to go teach a lesson, but when does your shift end?” Eliza asked in a rush of excitement.

“At three,” Maria replied hesitantly.

“Can I see you then?” Eliza asked, smiling shyly.

Maria nodded, attempting to smile. Eliza waved sweetly and left.

“Do you not want your coffee?” Maria called, but Eliza was already gone.

Eliza pulled on her hat and mittens as she stepped out into the cold January air. That hadn’t gone as she’d always hoped. Maria was beautiful, but she didn’t seem interested in Eliza. At all. She barely smiled at her, looking too shocked to speak full sentences.

Shivering as she shuffled through the slush on the sidewalk, Eliza thought about meeting Maria at three. Maybe she could bring flowers… violets or roses… and then they could go on a walk or to a movie. Eliza couldn’t believe that this was the beginning of the rest of her life with a soulmate. She’d dreamed about this for years… sure the other party had always seemed more interested in her imagination, but she was sure Maria would come around. They were soulmates, after all.

As soon as Eliza had left, Maria leaned on the counter, head in hands, and groaned. What the hell had just happened?

Her co-worker, Aaron, left his cash register, the line having been cleared, and leaned on the counter next to Maria.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“I’m… I just met my soulmate,” Maria stuttered out, barely believing the words she was saying.

“Wow! Congratulations. Which one was he?”

Maria groaned again. He. It was supposed to be a he. She wasn’t a lesbian… “Can soulmates be just friends?”

Aaron looked taken aback. “Um… I’ve never heard of that happening. Why?”

“It’s a girl,” Maria said. “My soulmate is a girl.”

“Really? Oh, was she the really pretty one with the long hair?”

“Yeah… I guess so.”

“She seemed really nice,” Aaron smiled. “Really sweet. I guess to balance out your salt.”

“Excuse me?” Maria laughed, punching him on the arm. Aaron laughed too, and started to wipe down the counter. Maria’s face settled back into her pensive pout.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that my soulmate’s a girl?”

“Why would it be weird?” asked Aaron.

“Because I’m straight!”

“Clearly you’re not,” he laughed. “Just get to know her, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

Three o’clock came, and Eliza was waiting expectantly in the alcove of the coffee shop, excitement boiling inside her stomach as she clutched a bouquet of violets. Maria exited from behind the counter, took a steadying breath, and walked up to her soulmate.

“Hey,” she said.

Eliza grinned widely. “Hi Maria! Um… I got you flowers…”

Maria spared a quick smile that didn’t touch her eyes, blushing slightly. She didn’t want this to be a date, but Eliza was making that quite difficult.

“Thanks.”

“So… do you want to go on a walk, or we could go see a movie, or grab something to eat, or –?”

“How about some coffee?” Maria said, not wanting it to be something so romantic.

“Coffee? Where? Here?” Eliza asked, confused that after working a 6-hour shift in a coffee place Maria would want to stay.

“No. At the Starbucks across the street.”

“O… kay,” Eliza smiled, still a little confused, but excited to get to know this girl. “So, how was your shift?”

“It was fine. Pretty empty, as usual. ‘Cause of the Starbucks.”

“Right. You know, I’ve actually never been to Starbucks. I’ve only ever been to Costa Coffee or, when there wasn’t one around, Bodegas or whatever.”

“Wow. Weird,” Maria said.

“Well, I mean, it said Costa Coffee on my arm, so I figured –”

“Yeah. I’ve worked at a few coffee shops, trying to find… well, you, I guess.”

“Yeah. Me,” Eliza smiled. They entered the Starbucks and got in the long line. There was a silence as they each figured out what to order, then once they’d received their drinks (Eliza paying), they found a seat by the window.

“Why would they call it a ‘tall’ if it’s a small?” Eliza asked, clutching her tea tightly.

“To be fancy, I guess,” Maria said, shrugging.

“Right,” Eliza said.

There was an awkward silence before Maria realized she was being extremely rude. She hadn’t asked Eliza one thing about herself. Straightening up in her seat, Maria asked, “So what do you do?”

Eliza smiled. “I’m a piano teacher. I go to people’s houses and I teach them how to play piano, and… well, it’s not a big deal, but some nights I play in hotel lobbies and things like that. I do weddings, too… I wanted to be a school teacher, but I can’t spell for shit, so I figured that wouldn’t be good…”

“You have the writing for a teacher,” Maria said, relaxing a little and pointing at her tattoo.

“I’ve been told,” Eliza laughed, noticing Maria’s tension easing a little. “Anyway, do you go to Columbia?”

“I got my undergraduate there. In visual art. AKA, the reason why I’m working at a coffee shop.”

Eliza laughed kindly. “That’s cool, though. Do you still do art?”

“Yeah, sometimes… not as much though.”

Maria was relaxing quite a bit. Eliza was easy to talk to. She seemed so genuinely interested in everything Maria had to say. She wasn’t used to this kind of attention; Eliza seemed so… caring.

“I’d love to see it sometime,” Eliza grinned, leaning forward with a beaming smile on her face.

Maria felt inclined to lean forward as well, but something in her stomach caught. This was a girl. She tensed up again, and it did not go unnoticed by Eliza.

“Are you okay, Maria?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. But, I guess I should be going.”

Eliza’s face fell. “Okay, yeah. Where are you going? I mean, I could walk you –?”

“No,” Maria cut her off quickly. “That’s okay. I’m just down the street.”

Eliza tried not to let the hurt show on her face. “Right. Well, can I text you or something? Later?”

Maria thought about it. This girl was her soulmate. Maybe she should give her a chance…

“Sure,” she said, extending her hand for Eliza’s phone. She quickly entered a contact and turned to leave.

“Maria,” Eliza said as the other girl walked away. She turned at the sound of her name. “It was really nice to meet you.”

Maria smiled slightly, touched by her genuine kindness. “You too,” she replied, closing the door after her and leaving the violets behind.

After an hour on the subway, Eliza finally made it back to the apartment she shared with her two sisters. It was a cozy place, warmly decorated, with books overflowing every shelf (all Angelica’s, though the others read them too) and blankets and pillows everywhere, all in bright candy colours. Normally just the sight of her home could cheer Eliza up, but she was upset from the way her date had gone. Was it even a date? Maria didn’t seem interested at all.

“You’re back late, Eliza, what’s up?” Peggy asked from the kitchen, where she was making dinner for them all.

Angelica was on the counter, reading The Second Sex for the millionth time. She looked up from her book and saw clearly that Eliza was upset. She stood up immediately and hugged Eliza.

“Who do I have to punch?” she asked, taking a step back and looking up and down her sister, trying to see if she was in any way damaged.

“No one,” Eliza laughed. “I, uh – I met my soulmate.”

“Oh my God, who is she?” Peggy cried.

“She’s, well… she’s beautiful. Like, really, really beautiful. But she seems really uncomfortable or something. Like… like she’s not happy that we’re soulmates. I don’t know what it is. We got coffee together and for a little bit, I kinda thought she liked me, but then – I don’t know, she just kind of… rejected me? I mean, she just really wanted the date to be over, and I’m not even sure it was a date! Plus, I got her flowers and she… well, she left them behind.”

Eliza’s eyes teared up as she finished her rambling. Peggy, noticing the tears, pulled her into a hug. Angelica, meanwhile, looked thoughtful.

“Maybe she’s surprised you’re a girl,” Angelica said.

“Hmm?” Eliza grunted, raising her face from Peggy’s shoulder.

“I don’t know, it sounds like she’s denying some feelings. Maybe she didn’t know she was queer.”

“Huh,” Eliza huffed thoughtfully. “That would make sense.”

“My advice,” Angelica continued, taking the mom role as always, “is to keep at it. She’ll come around. Why don’t you ask her out again?”

Eliza nodded and pulled out her phone. She and her sisters deliberated for almost half an hour before crafting the perfect message;

Hey Maria, it’s Eliza. I hope this isn’t weird for you, but I’d really like to get to know you better! Do you want to grab dinner sometime?

“It’s perfect. It’s casual, it acknowledges that she seemed uncomfortable, and it’s definitely a date,” Peggy said with finality. “Send it.”

Eliza looked to Angelica for confirmation. After a moment of thought, she nodded seriously. “Send it.”

Eliza did so, and she and her sisters sat down for dinner with her phone lying on the table. Even when it hadn’t buzzed, they grabbed for it every now and then, just checking to make sure she hadn’t replied. After dinner was done and the kitchen was almost clean, finally a buzz signified a text.

Hands dripping with dish soap, Eliza rushed to the table and her sisters crowded behind her.

Maria: Saturday at 6? La Lanterna di Vittorio?

Grinning, Eliza shot back: It’s a date.

[non-pursuitofhappiness]

So today my boss announced to our team that we are to start using an entirely new system, in addition to the multiple insufficient systems we are currently using because my employer doesn’t fund shit and had bad leadership for so long, and stated that the big boss is intent on us using this and that it is meant to be our new “dashboard” (except that it’s not a dashboard so much as a live and admittedly more accurate task list than what we had). We’ll use this for maybe half a year before the real actually-supposed-to-replace-everything-at-once-new-system goes live.

My office has spent the last two years experiencing massive changes to leadership, procedures, policies, tech, organizational structure, even a move to a run-down half-abandoned building in the total opposite side of town from where most of our staff actually lived and away from anything walkable or convenient (although parking is better), right down to title changes for everyone suggested by some anonymous person to “better reflect [that persons’] responsibilities.” Now the reasons for most of the changes are pretty valid and they may indeed make us a better unit and may even be good and necessary changes, but in the meantime they are essentially massive rocks that have been flipped over to reveal a morass of team rivalries and long-held personal resentments and insecurities. My team in particular has felt beat up and disrespected by the rest of the office for some time (and a few individuals on it have been given years-long bottom-of-the-totem-pole treatment by the more ambitious or sorority-types in the office). They are fucking TIRED of new shit. And each meeting in which new shit is proposed or discussed now comes with a lot of complaining, passive-aggressive joke-making, head shaking, and eye rolling. And although their feelings and actions may be totally understandable, they are fucking exhausting.

I have unfortunately had the opportunity to provide early input, contribute or debate ideas, and participate in meetings with lower management where some of these changes have been discussed where others (who would like the opportunity) have not. It’s my first time having this kind of potential influence/impact in a large and highly bureaucratic organization with competing interests and you know what? It kind of sucks. It’s nice to feel valued, respected, intelligent, and important or whatever. But it’s also hella emotional, confusing, and stressful. I do my best to balance the interests of the larger organization with the interests of my teammates, whom I love and feel I represent and want to help/protect even as I am sometimes frustrated with them or embarrassed by them because I wish we could all be flexible, nimble, confident, and positive. Then I catch myself feeling frustrated/embarrassed and I listen to my suggestions and I wonder whether I’m actually just an arrogant asshole with low expectations for them and whether I’ve just revealed my low expectations for their abilities. (I once suggested a goddamn typewriting/business class for them with the older non-techie in mind, uuuuggggh.)

I have stressed about making sure that management doesn’t leave particular teammates (like the older or potentially neuro-atypical ones) behind in their rush to make everything more efficient. I don’t want to create a situation where someone feels forced to retire or leave or, god forbid, cry in secret in their offices. I often suggest slowing things down or making changes to some new idea. Sometimes I suggest not doing a thing at all. Sometimes I promote a thing because it really would be great if it worked and then it gets abandoned because of some other priority or because of a snag we discover after having talked it up to the team and announced that IT’S HAPPENING and that is confusing and annoying to everyone. But especially when I write long analytical emails with headers emphasizing various problems or making recommendations, I feel negative, arrogant, and also kind of like Tracey Flick, and I wonder whether everyone’s starting to hate me and would like me to shut up once in a while, whether my team is starting to see me as not-on-their-side and management’s secret mole, and then I’m annoyed and have to accept that I will not always be liked. And if I appear ambitious, I can’t help that, and what’s wrong with that anyways, even though I’m actually not ambitious anymore because this experience has taught me that I’d much rather be that person who happily does the same job every day for 30 years (but probably 40 if we’re being realistic) and retires having never taken work stress home with them or contributed to bad office politics.

So for a while the grumbling to every. proposed. idea. kind of got to me and wore me down, because it would wear anyone down to have to face that attitude after having worked so hard to make a thing that came from up high good and workable. I would get immediately annoyed/angry/flushed every time I saw a negative reaction at the mere mention of a thing. At one meeting I actually ground out a “For God’s. Sake.” during the uproar and I’m sure someone heard it. I’d also get embarrassed and stiff and avoid eye contact whenever it was disclosed that I had input on a thing or had seen it ahead of them so I didn’t appear pleased or smug or like I had a stake in whether they liked said thing or not or a preference or feeling of my own. Also I’m just sensitive to other people’s emotions. I’m super aware of them at all times and I hate knowing that some people feel angry or terrible or cheated or failed because I don’t want them to.

With regards to this new system, I got to preview it for a few days with a few other teammates and I sent that long detailed email were I was real clear about the problems that I and others would have with it, acknowledged the potential benefits but said others would weigh the pros and cons differently, and made a number of suggestions to improve it. Then we met and one colleague said it seemed easy and my boss put my email on the projector screen to address my points and I looked at how long and fussy it was and felt like a JERK. A negative, needlessly pessimistic, and pompous jerk with possibly ruined judgment. And I defended my points but said I’m not against the system as I do see potential benefits and apologized if I was too negative. Pretty sure boss wanted me to know it was useful and I do hope it was shared with upper management. But, still, embarrassed jerk.

Then we had our staff meeting. And the new system was announced and SILENCE. Instant tension. And boss did her best to present it as positively as possible while tempering any concerns people might have and making it clear that Big Boss Wants This and there is no fighting that and I jumped in like Tracey Flick to emphasize or explain what I felt needed to be emphasized or explained as if my boss isn’t fully capable of doing her job and must absolutely need me. And the micro-expressions y’all. The head shakes, the pursed lips, the eye rolls and “I’m real angry” nods, the glances and sighs, and the staring intently at the table. One colleague brought up one of the same exact points that I had laid out in my email. Another colleague demonstrated another of my points. It was a tense thing to sit through, but I did kind of enjoy the colleague who said it seemed easy just sitting there and not making a single joke as he usually does about changes. So, I may be Tracey Flick and I may also be struggling to balance office goals and needs with my team’s interests and positive can-do-ness with negative nancying but DAMN if I don’t read and know my team well.

And, yes, it felt bad and frustrating. But you know what? People are always going to complain no matter what and I can’t help that. People are gonna be angry but I’m not fully responsible for why they’re angry. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. I did my best. And if I am resented, I can’t help that either. I did my job, so after having blogged my feelings about it, I’mma let it go, go home, and focus on my real fulfilling life that happens outside of work. Work crap is far less important to me than Good Omens fanfiction, my friends, my mental health management, my books, my roommate, my television, my super cute nephew (who encountered a cockroach for the first time today and LOL) and family. Work is literally just a small percentage of my life even if takes up the most hours. I invited potential new friends to my home for next week, I’m gonna try and hang with another friend at a queer film event next week, I’m gonna see my family and hopefully a very old friend this weekend, and I’m looking forward to a NYC wedding later this year and buying an amazing and sexy outfit for it (still deciding between the dandy look, a neutral-semi-femme look, or a straight up dress). It. Is. Fine.

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15 Ways To Be More Inclusive

A dear friend of mine was recently called to her Stake Young Women presidency. She asked for my suggestions on how she and other leaders could be more inclusive of Young Women and LGBTQ+ youth. With the help of some of my peers and friends, I complied a list of practical ways LDS leaders can be more inclusive. Even if you don’t have a calling with a lot of influence on policy, please consider how you can help in whatever capacity you can.

  1. Educate Yourself on the Latest Developments

Go to mormonandgay.lds.org and learn for about the latest teachings from the Church.

“What is changing – and what needs to change – is to help church members respond sensitively and thoughtfully when they encounter same-sex attraction in their own families, among other church members or elsewhere.”               —President Dallin H. Oaks

2. Create Space for Honest Discussion

Make spaces for honest discussions where Young Women and LGBTQ+ youth can share their unique experiences and testimonies without negative backlash. Include nuance and understanding that everyone is different, and we don’t always have to think or testify the same way. Allow them to share their feelings, struggles, questions, and concerns without immediately correcting or stifling them. Validate their existence as a child of God by affirming their authentic experiences.

Be willing to listen to the youth. They have genuine and important experiences to share.

  3. Say Heavenly Parents

Say Heavenly Parents as much as possible. It is one of the most authentically Mormon ways to include Heavenly Mother. The ultimate of goal of Mormon theology is to become our Heavenly Parents. By leaving the trajectory open to diverse experiences, genders, identities, and family structures, Young Women and LGBTQ+ youth can more fully see that they too are made in the image of God and eternal families are diverse.

  4. Acknowledge LGBTQ+ Youth

Latest studies and surveys estimate that roughly 5% of the population is LGBTQ+. That means that roughly 1 in 20-25 people you know is LBGTQ+, whether or not you actually know about it. LGBTQ+ people are certainly a part of our congregations, and a simple acknowledgment can mean the world to a queer youth.

“I now speak directly to Church members who experience same-sex attraction, or who identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. We want you to know we love you. You are welcome. We want you to be part of our congregations. You have great talents and abilities to offer God’s kingdom on earth, and we recognize the many valuable contributions you make.” —Elder L. Whitney Clayton

For me, this was the first time I ever heard a church leader even say the word bisexual and I’m 34 years old. I cannot explain how much it meant to me to hear the word “bisexual” come out of the mouth of a church leader. It felt I existed. Not only that, I was being told I was wanted in the congregation. It doesn’t always feel that way, but saying it is a good start.

  5. Talk about Women and the Priesthood

Talk about women and the priesthood. Don’t shy away from it. Talk about the differences between priesthood power and ordination. Just because a woman isn’t ordained, doesn’t mean she can’t invoke and embody priesthood power.

Talk about priesthood responsibilities of women in the temple, such as washing and anointing rituals and women donning the robes of the Aaronic and Melchizedek priesthood. Include how women are necessary for the “true order of prayer.” Talk about priesthood responsibilities and rituals of women in early Church history. This includes blessings of healing, midwife blessings, blessing by the laying on of hands with oil, and blessing animals. Talk about the historical origins and structure of the Relief Society. Talk about how Joseph Smith was recorded saying he “turned the keys” over to the Society and he would make this Society a “kingdom of priests.”

Prepare and educate the young women for ordination if or when that day arises. If the revelation comes, they should be ready.

  6. Include LGBTQ+ Adults

Include as many as possible Mormon LGBTQ+ adults in this effort. If LGBTQ+ youth don’t see LGBTQ+ adults at church, they won’t see a future trajectory for themselves in the Church—there’s no pattern to follow. Ask LGBTQ+ adults to pray and speak. Give them callings and responsibilities. This also includes allowing LGBTQ+ adults to express themselves and their faith as genuinely as possible. We need honest stories and testimonies from LGBTQ+ folks. Hold LGBTQ+ adults as a shining example. Don’t fear them. If LGBTQ+ youth can’t see a hopeful future to aspire to, that’s when suicide can become an appealing option.

I know this can be intimidating and difficult when feelings have been hurt and lives have been traumatized. We are all exploring new territory and we must love and trust one another as we mend bridges together.

  7. Host a Fireside

Host a special fireside on women and the priesthood. Invite women to speak who have studied and are educated in matters of early Church history and contemporary priesthood practices and policies. Consider assigning the young women priesthood topics and have them research past and present priesthood responsibilities, rituals, and practices.

“My dear sisters, whatever your calling, whatever your circumstances, we need your impressions, your insights, and your inspiration. We need you to speak up and speak out in ward and stake councils.” —President Russell M. Nelson

If you are in Utah or Salt Lake County and you don’t have access to Mormon women who are familiar with historical priesthood practices, I am volunteering to assist you in any way possible. I can speak, pray, read, or give a spiritual thought, or get you access to a woman who can.

  8. Include Women Speakers in the High Council Circuit

Include women stake leaders in the speaking circuit with high councilmen. It’s an easy way to show women can speak from a pulpit with communal authority even if they are not on the high council. If possible, call LGBTQ+ folks to stake callings so they can be included in the speaking circuit as well. If you are already doing this, fantastic!

  9. Combine Activities

Combine as many activities as possible. Integrate the sexes beyond heteronormative assumptions about orientation and attraction. Growing up bisexual, it felt very odd that people assumed we should cater to heteronormative assumptions about sexual attraction. It felt like we were purposefully segregated to avoid sexual tension, but if that were really the case, bisexuals would need to be isolated, quarantined, and segregated from all people, because sexual attraction to anyone is a possibility. It was a harsh message to receive in my youth, because people acted as if my sexuality was something which isolated me from all genders, not just males. Even though I was implicitly taught otherwise, my sexuality was something that I was capable of controlling even when I was surrounded by person(s) I was sexually attracted to. I am confident today’s youth can do the same. Trust the youth.

Also, for many youth who are transgender or non-binary, attending sex-segregated meetings is difficult. Many wards do a combined activity once a month. These activities can be a way to include youth in your ward who don’t identify with their assigned gender. Reaching out to such youth, and specifically inviting them to combined activities is an easy way to include them in ward activities without proscribing gender roles.

  10. Respect Gender Identity

Respect a person’s gender identity. If a youth asks you to use different pronouns, respect their autonomy over their gender identity. Likewise, respect their gender expression. If a trans* boy wants to wear a shirt and tie to Young Women, from what I’ve read, there is nothing in the handbook that says they cannot.

  11. Teach That Women Are More Than Motherhood

Teach women that they are more than motherhood. Encourage their other interests and accomplishments. Give them options to aspire to that may or may not include motherhood. Try encouraging parenthood as a balanced option with a partner, as opposed to motherhood being their only source of worth and value in community.

In Young Women, I was implicitly and explicitly taught my worth as a woman was tied to my ability to produce children. This caused a lot of damage because I was born with an abnormal uterus (among other issues) and was uncertain about how or if I could have children. Looking back, I repeatedly put my life on the line during pregnancy to “prove” my worth as a woman.

For the many sisters who cannot or do not wish to have children, they often feel like they don’t belong at church. Women have many talents, gifts, and abilities which may or may not include motherhood.

  12. Hold Special Workshops

Hold special workshops addressing the needs of LGBTQ+ youth. Allow them to speak if they feel so inclined. Allow them the opportunity to talk about their concerns, fears, and troubles. Let them ask hard questions about LGBTQ+ issues.

Hold workshops to educate adult ward and stake members. From my experience, some of the greatest challenges are coming from the adults and older generations, not the youth. Invite LGBTQ+ adults to speak about their Mormon experience. Ask them to share their testimonies of Mormonism and how they have continued to integrate Mormonism in their lives. Ask LGBTQ+ adults educated in LGBTQ+ issues to speak and set the example of how LGBTQ+ adults can have authentic testimonies focusing on love, compassion, and charity.

If you are in Utah or Salt Lake County and don’t have access to LGBTQ+ Mormon adults who are willing to share their testimonies, I am volunteering to assist you in anyway possible. I can speak, pray, or give a spiritual thought. I can do a Q&A workshop, give a presentation, or anything else to assist your ward and/or stake’s needs.

  13. Stay Humble

There is so much we don’t know. The restoration is still happening. Don’t pretend to have all the answers. Stay humble. Saying “I don’t know” is one way to show epistemic humility while leaving the door open for continuing revelation.

  14. Let Them Go

LGBTQ+ kids need to know that in this current climate it is okay to not be at church. They may experience a better spiritual life in an environment that doesn’t condemn their orientation or neglect the experience of their gender. They need to know there is happiness outside of the LDS Church. It is reasonable for them to leave the Church for the sake of their mental health and safety, especially when many suffer from self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If they can’t see a future for themselves in the Church, a future outside the Church is better than no future at all.

Additionally, it is important for leaders and other youth to demonstrate that their friendships are not contingent on church attendance. They need to know they have a friendship whether they choose to stay or go. If you love them, sometimes it’s okay to let them go.

According to Elder Quentin L. Cook, Latter-day Saints should be at the forefront of love and compassion. He states that we need to be a part of the family circle, which also implies the ward and stake family circle.

“As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. No family who has anybody  who has same-gender [attraction] should exclude them from the family circle. They need to be part of the family circle . . . let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion, and outreach to those and let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender . . . I feel very strongly about this . . . It’s a very important principle.”  —Elder Quentin L. Cook

  15. Love Them

Love them. Love them. Love them. Teach love, charity, and compassion. If we do not know love, we do not know God, because God is love. Jesus also taught the greatest commandment of them all is to love one another. Believe it. Teach it. Live it.

“To put it simply, having charity and caring for one another is not simply a good idea. It is not simply one more item in a seemingly infinite list of things we ought to consider doing. It is at the core of the gospel—an indispensable, essential, foundational element. Without this transformational work of caring for our fellowmen, the Church is but a facade of the organization God intends for His people. Without charity and compassion, we are a mere shadow of who we are meant to be—both as individuals and as a church. Without charity and compassion, we are neglecting our heritage and endangering our promise as children of God. No matter the outward appearance of our righteousness, if we look the other way when others are suffering, we cannot be justified.” —Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Jesus Christ taught that the first and great commandment is to love God and the second is to love others as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and prophets. The scriptures teach that we will be known as true disciples of Christ if we have love one to another. And there is no fear in love. We cannot know God if we do not know love, for love is God.

*Thank you to everyone who participated and helped me put this list together. Your insights have been invaluable and I appreciate that you took the time to share your experiences with me. Sincerely.

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