#and if he showed up to you specifically four times then you’d also be in trouble

[mildmayfoxe]

i had a dream i went back to school (or was maybe just taking classes for fun?) and we were in some kind of performance class and someone was like “oh i play trumpet” and i was like “oh sick me too!!” and i just happened to have mine there but i knew i would be called up on stage to play so i went out into the hallway to practice some bc i knew it would be embarrassing otherwise & while i was out there i could barely force any notes out and the valves were soo sticky but i didn’t have any valve oil to fix it and a guy i used to work with stuck his head out of a classroom down the hall and said hi but that’s not important. so eventually i went back in and people were doing like acting tryouts on stage or something and eventually it was my turn (i missed the other trumpet guy perform when i was in the hallway) and the professor handed me a note card with three songs on it and was like “play one of those.” two of them were pieces i didn’t recognize (now that im awake i think they are not real) and one was just mary had a little lamb. so i said i could play mary had a little lamb but probably not very well rn bc i am SOO rusty & the professor looked so disappointed and i could tell he thought i’d been lying about being able to play at all. but im just out of practice! and then i talked to the other trumpet guy for a while about what kind of performance he’d done & he said like mostly improvisational (but not jazz ?) and a bunch of the class seemed excited when i said i had a lot of symphonic orchestra experience. i got the impression they thought i was doing solo pieces with an orchestra & didn’t feel like telling them otherwise. and then the art teacher from down the hall came in & said that her class heard me laugh from there and wanted to compliment me & that she would come in and do it as often as possible. anyway my subconscious is telling me it’s pathetic i don’t play anymore

[fangirl-dot-com]

☕️That's That Me Espresso

Pairing: Max Verstappen x Singer!Reader (fc Sabrina Carpenter) Genre: Fluff/SMAU Summary: Max had been single for the first time in almost 4 years. What do Lando and Charles do? Lightly set him up with a very popular acquaintance. They just hope he likes espresso.

TAG LIST IS CLOSED

There was a different type of electricity in the air that Max was not familiar with. Sure, every race had that adrenalinistic atmosphere that, really, he had gotten numb to. But this, this was different. He might have even gone as far as to call it a “breath of fresh air.” 

His whole body was tired, especially after a grueling race. Why the FIA decided to push the Brazil Grand Prix to the dead middle of summer? He didn’t know why. But he had said enough passive aggressive remarks about the weather. The reason they gave was to avoid the typhoons that normally showed up during the later months of the year, when the usual race was scheduled. 

The Dutchman didn’t mind. The race last year, although the weekend had been soaked, hadn’t even been canceled. Sure there was rain, but they had raced in wetter conditions before. But, he had no control over the schedule. 

If he had been in charge, the calendar would have only 10 races comprised of all historical tracks, no US races, and sprints would be cast into the nearest dumpster. 

But Max Verstappen was not in charge of the Formula 1 calendar, and he was now standing backstage to some concert that Lando and Charles had dragged him and some other drivers to. They explained that it was for their girlfriends, but Lando didn’t have a girlfriend and Max knew he and Charles genuinely liked the pop genre. 

He just never bothered to listen to specific music. He went more by the vibes the song gave, and if he liked it, he liked it. There was no reason to go deep into the discography of the artist and the albums. 

Music was just music to Max. 

Well, that was until the lights dimmed and the most beautiful person, well to Max’s opinion, walked out in almost 6-inch heels and the shortest white skirt. 

Now, Max had been single for almost three months. He had known that Kelly was drifting, but he didn’t make any attempts to draw her back in. The close to four year relationship just fizzled. 

However, he was confused when his friends celebrated the breakup. Lando had gently told him that, while Penelope was very sweet, Kelly had been using him. Charles also brought up the fact that Kelly had said that she had a “magical meeting” with him when he was 19, practically a child with how fast he had to grow up. 

The 9 year age gap pretty much put people on edge about her. 

But Max had no time to dwell on that as he watched the female dance around, pretty skirt flipping up every time she skipped on stage. Her voice echoed through the large speakers, and Max found himself head bobbing to the beat. 

When there was a brief intermission, Lando had snaked his arm around his neck. 

“So how are you liking it?” he asked, taking a sip of his drink after. The Dutchman hadn’t taken his eyes of the door where she had gone through. 

“She’s very pretty.” 

Lando snorted, making Max turn to face his friend. 

“I didn’t ask about her mate, but good to know. I can introduce you to Y/n after the concert is over if you’d like me to.” 

Max’s eyes widened. 

So that’s what your name was. He thought it was very fitting, and he could start to daydream of how the vowels and consonants would sound through his mouth. He wondered if his lisp would accidentally seep through. 

“You would?” 

Lando sighed before calling Charles over. The brunet was quick to round the other side of the two drivers, now taking up Max’s left. 

“Yeah mate?” 

Lando slapped Max on the back, making him wince a bit, muscles still sore. 

“Our race winner here seems to be a bit infatuated with Y/n.” 

Charles wiggled his eyebrows up and down. “Is he now? They’d be a nice pair wouldn’t you say Lando?” 

Max tuned the last bit of their conversation out as he watched you prance out of the door you disappeared through earlier. He didn’t know what caused you to look over as you were putting in your in-ears, but you did and your eyes met his. 

You quickly blushed under the gaze of the unfamiliar blond man as your eyes darted back to the ground. You had recognized Lando to his right (your left), but the man remained a mystery to you as you began to sing the second half of your set.

You kneeled on the edge of the stage and reached out for a Brazilian flag that a fan was desperately waving around. You took the soft fabric and wrapped it around your shoulders for the rest of the evening. 

Max thought you looked like an angel. The lights reflected your blond hair perfectly, creating almost a halo around your face. He himself wanted to give your stylists a raise for picking out the perfect hair, makeup, and outfit. 

You had a big smile as you waved to the crowds after your last encore. 

“Brasil! Voce tem sido incrive! Todos voces tem meu coracao! Te amo e boa noite!” 

You even had the voice of an angel. 

And you were now walking toward their group. Max was not prepared. Thankfully Lando and Charles were as they stepped in front Max and congratulated you on the concert. Every now and then in the conversation, your eyes flitted to the blond man, who was looking everywhere but you. 

“Y/n! I don’t believe you’ve met Max yet! Max this is Y/n, and Y/n this is Max Verstappen, current world champion.” 

The last words made Charles huff a bit, only being behind Max in the points this season by a small margin. You put your hand out for a shake but Max just looked at it, stared, then looked back up. 

“You’re very pretty.” 

He wanted to slap himself in the face, but your giggles that flew out of your mouth made him want to melt into the ground. Your hand covered your mouth as you looked up at him. Even with your heals, Max was still a half a foot taller than you. You know that it’d be closer to a full foot without your shoes, which you were desperately wanting to get out of. 

“Thank you. You’re very handsome, but I guess you hear that too often.” 

He actually didn’t. Most didn’t go for his stockier build, rounded features, and flat hair. He knew that many preferred Charles’s slim waist and Lando’s boyish looks. But here you were, looking up at him like he was God’s gift to mankind. Your round doe eyes were hitting all of his buttons. 

He smirked. “Not too many, but I only remember the gorgeous ones.” 

Oh, so he could flirt. That was news to Lando and Charles as they watched the interactions nearby. 

Lando leaned over when Max fished out his phone from his pant leg almost shy at the action. “I didn’t think he had it in him. I wonder if he has ever had the chance to try to date.” 

Charles hummed. “He had a few girlfriends before Kelly. But again, they were all older. Y/n is only 22.” 

When you trailed off to go change, Max walked over to the duo with a dopey smile. 

“I think I’m in love.” 

y/nl/n has posted

liked by landonorris, y/nisqueen, mothery/n, and 3,205,094 others y/nl/n brasil! you were amazing! Te amo, te amo! I will miss you all 💚💛🇧🇷

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y/nnation this concert was just chef's kiss!!

y/nisqueen the outfits, the flag, the hair - oh my gosh I love her

f1xy/n did anyone else see that tweet about the f1 drivers in attendance??

norris/n I hope that lando was there, him and y/n would be so cute

maxxy/n I think y/n and max would be so cutie tho

landonorris great show once again y/n!

y/nl/n glad that you and your friends could come see!!

teamy/n your honor I love her

Another giggle left your lips as you were driven back to your hotel. Your manager was watching you with fond eyes, happy to see you all smiley. Your last relationship had not ended well, leaving you heartbroken and depressed. But your emotions fueled you to write your best album yet.

“I’m going to guess that you’re texting you driver,” she wiggled her eyebrows at you, making you sink into the seat, phone covering your face. 

“Maybe. Mila, he’s so perfect. He’s very . . . sweet, but at the same time he’s sharp. He’s a bit like my every morning drink.” 

Mila sent you a warm smile. “Speaking of morning drinks, do you still want your espresso sent to your room at the normal time, or do you want to sleep in?” 

Your brows furrowed, mind running quickly. You opened your notes app and began typing. 

“Espresso.”

A few months passed with you and Max growing closer and closer. People online could definitely tell that the Dutchman was more smiley, but no one knew why. They could only speculate that he was in a relationship, but he hadn’t really been anywhere in the past few months that could signify a blooming relationship. 

You were up writing late when your phone buzzed, the familiar pattern letting you know that a certain blond was calling you. Your eyebrows pinched as you noticed the time. You pressed the green button before saying hello. 

“Hi schatje,” the familiar pet-name flooding the room. 

“Why are you up so late? Don’t you have a race tomorrow morning?” 

Although you were in two different countries, you and Max miraculously were in the same time zones, meaning if you were up late so was he. 

“We have the sim race this weekend.” 

“Maaxxx.” 

“Y/nnnnn, I’ve done it before. And plus, you’re also up.” 

You nibbled on your lip. “I couldn’t sleep. Lyrics are just racing around my brain.” 

“That or you had your espresso too late again.” 

You smirked as your eyes landed on the empty espresso mug on the bedside table. 

“I’m taking the silence as ‘yes Max. I had an espresso too late.’” 

Max’s favorite sound, your laugh, sounded through his phone that was resting on his simulator. The two of you had some weird humor, but you never failed to make Max laugh and neither did he. 

The sound of him shifting the gears was better than any white noise machine could be. Max tried his best to focus on his race, but the scratching of your pencil and your sporadic sighs kept him a bit distracted. 

“Would you be fine if I put a hint in my song? I like having you all to myself, but I want people to know that you make me happy.” 

Max almost virtually crashed. You never ceased to amaze him. 

“That’s fine with me liefling. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

y/nl/n has posted

liked by gracieadams, y/nvideo, maxverstappen1, and 3,405,295 others y/nl/n ☕️ espresso is now yours :) let's call it the bop of the summer

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maxxy/n ayo max, why are you here so early 🤨

f1xy/n what the hell is a polar bear doing in Arlington texas

y/n.nation when she says bop of the summer, it's the bop of the summer

maxverstappen1 ☕️

y/nl/n ☕️

queeny/n what the heck is this supposed to mean?????

user204502 this song has been on repeat

Max hadn’t know when you were going to release the song, he just knew that you were. He hadn’t even realized that it was out to the public until Charles had mentioned something. 

“Y/n’s new song is great, non? Didn’t know that you two were soft launching, but I’m happy for you two.” 

Max never ran faster than he did to get to his driver’s room to listen to it. He never thought that you’d ever write a song about him, but here it was. The title was catchy too. 

Thankfully, you were waiting for him when he got back to Monaco. The first thing he did was lean down to kiss your lips. You could never get over the feeling of his lips against yours. The broadness of his shoulders made you feel safe as he caged you in between himself and the door. 

His large hands fit perfectly against your hips as he brushed his face against your neck. Your hands gripped his shirt that was thankfully not a Red Bull polo. 

“I take it you liked the song?” you managed to get out, breathless against him. A hum vibrated against your neck, letting you know that he was pleased. 

He finally gave you a bit of space once he kissed you on his way back up. 

“Espresso?”

You giggled, head digging into his chest. “I had one almost 15 minutes ago.” 

“Of course you did.” 

There was a comfortable silence between the two of you as you just stood in the walkway to his house. The place finally looked like someone was actually living in it, and not looking like an Ikea display. 

Little bits of Max were visible everywhere, now that he didn’t have to hide his stuff away in his little mancave. His suit was now on display with pictures of his various wins decorating the walls. But in between all the racing were bits of you left behind. Pictures of your stages filled in the gaps. 

But Max’s favorite bit was the circle stain of dark espresso by your side of his bed. 

“Come with me to Silverstone and later to Zandvoort.” 

You looked up at him, still not getting over the foot in height difference. Your neck had to crane for you to look him in the eyes. 

“Think about it,” Max continued. “You’re taking a small break from your tours when Silverstone happens. And then Zandvoort is the Sunday before the Netherlands concert.” 

You couldn’t say anything but yes. 

Lando was surprised to see your hand held tightly in Max’s. The last thing he knew is that you and him were texting, but he didn’t know if it went any farther than that. The Briton was happy to learn that you had been behind the Dutchman’s wide smiles between races. 

He thought you looked absolutely tiny next to Max, even in your usual heels. Lando did notice that you weren’t visible in the garage during the practices and even the race on Sunday. When it was him, Max, and Charles on the podium, he took his chances to ask. 

“Where’s your superstar?” 

Max visible brightened at the mention of you. “We’re not public yet. I think we like the privacy a bit too much.” 

Lando looked confused. “But the song?” 

He watched as Max leaned back with a laugh. “Mate, everyone thinks she’s in a relationship with either you or Sebastian of all people.” 

“Why would it be Seb?” Charles piped up, finally joining the conversation. 

“Because she sings something about calling me a honey bee. People are trying to connect that with the racing lyric and Seb’s bee keeping skills.” 

The photographers thought that they were getting good pictures of the three enjoying the post-race celebrations as they caught giant smiles and laughs. They probably couldn’t even imagine the conversation that was going on. 

It wasn’t until Zandvoort that people started to catch glimpses of you in the paddock. You smiled widely as you stepped through the turnstile, hand clasped in Max’s. Cameras were clicking wildly, but you knew how to ignore them. 

You were here for Max and Max only. 

You had wanted to find something orange to wear, but the weather was a bit rainy and cold. Max had convinced you to wear something warm, much to your chagrin. When you had pouted earlier in the hotel room, he just leaned down and kissed your lips. 

“Hmmmm, espresso. My favorite.” 

You had rolled your eyes. “Yeah, because you were up late again. I was able to get some more work done though.” 

“Must have gotten some from you then.” 

The Red Bull driver was able to secure his home race win, putting him just behind Charles in the standings. The Ferrari driver had been driving like a madman all season, and Max had just now been able to catch up to him. However, you knew how scared he was of losing his champion title. 

But, this year, he had you to be his support. Whether he won or lost, you’d still be there. Unlike Kelly, you didn’t push your way into his life. You let him choose you when he wanted. There was no constant grabbing at his arms to pull him away from his crew. 

When Max finally made his way to you, he just brought you in close. He wouldn’t have been able to kiss you with his helmet on anyway. When he pulled back, he was surprised to see tears in your eyes. His face must have had confusion written all over it as you shook your head. 

“Happy tears. I’m so proud of you.” 

The validation he got from you meant so much more than any he ever received. As Max looked down at you from the top step of the podium, you looked up at him like he hung the sun. The Dutchman would never fall tired of your gaze. 

y/nl/n has posted

liked by maxverstappen1, mothery/n, verstopen33, and 4,204,938 others y/nl/n oh, he looks so cute, wrapped around my finger

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mothery/n WAS NOT EXPECTING THE HARD LAUNCH WHAT

f1xy/n thank you y/n for feeding us with boyfriend max material

verstappen33max I don't think I've seen him so smiley

maxverstappen1 💙 schatje

y/nl/n 💗 my love

y/nisqueen awwww I love them your honor

landonorris rue, when was this? 🤨

charles_leclerc me as well 😊

maxverstappen1 I think since February??

landonorris SINCE FEBRUARY???

charles_leclerc congrats!!

y/nl/n thank you charlieeeee

y/nvideo this is now my otp for the rest of my life 🥺

A week later, it was Max’s turn to stare at you the way that you stared at him. The little pink number that you were wearing was turning Max’s thoughts into something more that just hugs and kisses. But, he put those away (maybe for later) and just continued to enjoy the set that you had chosen. 

He couldn’t believe that he was back in the same place that he had been eight months ago. But, there he was, still as starstruck as he had been. He loved to see you skip around, skirt still flinging around and heels still adorning your feet. 

As the evening was closing, he just couldn’t wait to bring you back to the hotel to love on you, even more than he had already been doing. He wished time could speed up just a bit because he knew you were it for him. 

There was a before you, a during you, and he never wanted there to be an after you. 

He, along with the rest of the crowd and fellow drivers, got confused when you didn’t leave the stage after the last song. But, as slow piano music left the giant speakers, Max immediately knew what was happening. 

In the past couple of months, you had been holed up in your studio, really only seeing Max whenever he dropped off lunch or when you came back to his house. And many times, he was surprised to see Charles there as well, dressed in comfy clothes and glasses on his face. 

Piano sheet music always covered every inch of studio space when the Monegasque showed up, meaning that you were in the middle of creating a masterpiece. And, Max got to listen to multiple different melodies that the two of you put together. However, he wasn’t allowed to listen to any of the final demos which eventually got turned into songs. 

Tears pricked his eyes when he heard you explain yourself to the crowd. You had turned a bit to face Max as you talked. Your message for him more than the crowd. 

Your smile shined in the bright spotlights. 

“This next song is one that I wrote for a very special person in my life. You all know who it is so I won’t embarrass him.” 

Max could never be embarrassed by you. 

“I call it Lover, because that is what he is to me. My one and only love. Max, my espresso, I love you dearly.” 

And so dearly, he loved you too. 

y/nl/n has posted

liked by dior, maxverstappen1, y/nfan, and 4,205,893 others y/nl/n a song for my lover? how about an album 💖

lover is now yours on all streaming platforms

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y/nfan I THINK I BEAT MAX TO THE LIKES

y/nfan never mind...

y/n.nation the new song and now new album, max please keep keeping her happy

charles_leclerc glad to be a part of the album y/n!

y/nl/n thank you Charles! merci beaucoup 🫶

maxverstappen1 my lover 💖

y/nl/n my one and only 💙

landonorris ok, when do I get an album??

y/nl/n I can set you up with one of my friends?

ynsmax and we all say "thank you max!"

TAG LIST: @fionaschicken @myxticmoon @cherry-piee @blueberry64857959 @glitterquadricorn @lizzypiastri @sam-is-lost @spilled-coffee-cup @ilove-tswizzle @the-untamed-soul @allenajade-ite @starssfall @torchbearerkyle @judespoision @halfdeadsage @juniper-july19 @severewobblerlightdragon @thatgirlmj @gods-menace @ineedafictionalman @namgification @dark-night-sky-99 @samantha-chicago @2pagenumb @treehouse-mouse @fangirl125reader @megatrilss1885 @kagatinkita @itsjustkhaos @nikfigueiredo @awekbachira @vellicora @skepvids @sunrizef1 @stan-josie @fanficweasley @hiireadstuff @barcelonaloverf1life @c-losur3 @graciewrote @bruhhhhhhhhehhhhhhh @tallrock35 @ashy-kit @kat-s2 @minkyungseokie @lozzamez3 @leslieis-crying @adventuresofrose @lighttsoutlewis

[freedomfireflies]

Overdrive*

Summary: The one where it's 1969 and Harry likes to drive really, really fast.

Word Count: 5.5k

Content Warning: 18+, smut, multiple orgasms, breeding kink, exhibitionism, very brief daddy kink

Five.

The sound of revving engines echoes between the tall, city buildings. Loud enough to startle a nearby flock of birds on a telephone wire as they take off into the dark night to escape the lurid noise. 

Four.

The smell of burning rubber is everywhere. Tires screech against the pavement as the smoke dissipates into the warm summer air and the drivers prepare for that familiar white flag.

Three.

There’s a murmur amongst the crowd. The bets have been placed and the anticipation has set in. They pick their favorite driver, and they hope that somehow, they’ll be able to beat the unbeatable. 

Him.

Two.

You can see your little speed demon just up ahead as he waits patiently in front of the makeshift starting line. He seems relaxed. Confident. One hand is settled on the steering while the other is flipping the bird to the driver beside him. 

One.

The flag waves and the drivers take off. A streak of color flashes across the street as each of the five cars attempt to take their place ahead of the rest. But nobody can seem to get an edge on the black Lamborghini Miura already skidding around the first curve, effortlessly leaving them all behind.

You grin. It’s harder to see the cars now that they’re on the other side of the buildings, but you can hear them. You can hear his engine, specifically. You’d know the sound anywhere. After all, he spent weeks introducing you to the ins and outs of his favorite toy. Showing you exactly how to care for it, with those rough, practiced hands that also happen to care for you, too. 

You catch a glimpse of his vehicle just before it disappears past the drugstore. He shifts gears and accelerates, just before the blue Stingray to his right can gain on him. You hold your breath as both cars drift around the corner onto the next road and the crowd begins to cheer. 

Harry hasn’t lost a race in weeks. You don’t imagine he could lose if he tried. In fact, he could be blindfolded with no brake pedal and a faulty transmission and somehow, he’d still be miles ahead of the competition. 

It’s one of the things you love most about him. The way his eyes light up when he gets behind the wheel. The way the engine purrs in his hands and the way he can bend the road to his will. 

The Stingray veers to the right in order to get ahead of him, but Harry seems to anticipate this attempt. He cuts the other driver off just before he can speed up and your heart jumps into your throat. The only thing you don’t like about his racing is how careless he can be at times.

If you’re in the car, he takes the utmost care to make sure you’re safe. That you’re never put in harm’s way.

But when he’s alone, he’s in a whole other world of his making. He doesn’t consider the consequences or the repercussions. He doesn’t consider you. The way you’d feel if you lost him. 

And you trust his instincts, you do. But you can’t always say you enjoy the show. 

The Stingray slams on his brakes as Harry takes off and slides around the second to last corner. Tire marks are painted across the cement in his wake and the crowd cheers. 

Your stomach twists. He seems to be doing all right, although one of his fatal flaws is that it’s nearly imposable to tell how he’s feeling. He’s eerily stoic when he’s under pressure and perhaps that’s a good thing. 

But that doesn’t exactly help you now as he zigs and zags across the road before finally reaching the last turn that leads into the final stretch.

This is it. You hold your breath as you watch from the edge of the sidewalk, hands twisting in front of your chest as he races across the last few hundred feet. It’ll be close—the Stingray is gaining on him with each passing second—but Harry’s undeterred. He switches into a lower gear and the engine comes alive. Giving the car torque for those last few inches as he flies across the finish line. And the race is over.

The rest of the cars follow shortly after and the growing crowd of onlookers all swarm the street. They cheer and they holler, and they flock to the handsome driver now stepping out of his vehicle, desperate to congratulate him. But those soft green eyes only search for you. 

When he finally finds you squished between the horde of admirers, he grins, and begins to push his way through to you.

The moment you meet, he picks you up, hugs you to his chest, and spins you around. And you squeal giddily, happy to be back in his embrace as you wrap your arms around his neck and hold on for dear life.

“My little lucky clover,” he whispers proudly. “What did I tell you, hm?”

The nickname makes your insides grow warm. He’s called you his lucky clover ever since that first race when the two of you met. He claimed he only won because he saw you standing there watching and was desperate to impress you. And that every race he’s won since has been because of you and your charming presence. 

You aren’t so sure you believe him, but you have to admit it sounds pretty on his tongue.

You laugh as he puts you back down. “I know, I know,” you finally concede. “You were right.”

“Mhm.” He smirks—cocky—before he’s surging forward to kiss you. Soft and slow and with a desire that almost feels scandalous for such a public place. “I always am.”

His tongue brushes against yours while his hand splays across your lower back to tug your body to his and the crowd cheers as you giggle. But you don’t fight the way he loves you. Instead, you cling to his shirt and allow him to take what he wants.

When he finally allows you a moment to breathe, you gaze at him curiously. “How fast were you going?”

“120 on the main stretch. 80 on the curves,” he says, then chuckles at the way you frown. “M’fine, Clover. I promise.”

“You agreed nothing over 100,” you remind him.

“Yeah, but I needed to win.”

“No, you don’t need to win. You need to stay alive.”

“Well, why can’t I do both?”

Unamused, you huff, and lightly slap at his stomach. “Not funny, H.”

However, he merely laughs aagain and pulls you back between his arms. “Come on, sweetheart,” he says softly. “You know I’d never die on you. I’d miss you too much.”

“Let’s hope so.” You push up onto your toes to bring your lips to his once more. “Cause if you die on me…I’ll kill you.”

His smile is smug as he kisses you hard before he leads you back to his car. The large mass follows, anxious to ask him questions or offer their praise. And he listens to dutifully, perching himself on his hood while pulling you between his legs. 

It’s the same after every race. The other drivers try to tease him while his growing group of fans are desperate to be noticed by him. He might not be inherently famous, but he is to this crowd. They love a lot of things about him. His skill, his confidence, his looks. 

And you can’t exactly blame them.

It’s impossible to tell if you want to be him or be with him. You imagine for most people, it’s both. He has a sort of relaxed assurance that seems to make everyone else around him comfortable. And there’s a mystery about him. An intrigue to know more about the man behind the wheel. About who he is outside of these races. What he’s really like. 

He slings an arm around your shoulder and pulls you back into his chest. He talks to the driver of the Stingray and they exchange comments about the almost collision that makes your stomach turn. But when he notices, he presses a quick kiss to your temple and changes the subject. 

However, the rowdy celebration is cut rather short by the sound of sirens as two police cars come slinging around the side of a building with their lights flashing and their microphones on.

Everybody scatters, a collection of wild cheers and hollering voices as the officers step out of their vehicles in order to round up the crowd and instruct everyone to return home.

But Harry is unfazed as he pats your hip and nods his chin up. He’s rather good at his getaway now. After all, you imagine he’d have to be with all the times the police have broken up these races. 

And he’s only been caught once.

You slip inside just as he starts the engine. The radio comes alive, the sound of Jimi Hendrix enough to rival the roar of the motor as places one hand on the back of your seat in order to look behind him before he speeds away from the scene, hangs a sharp left, and takes off down the adjoining road. 

The sound of sirens follow. There’s a cop car on the next street over, attempting to chase after him as Harry weaves in and out between the scarce traffic. He’s good—incredibly good—but they haven’t given up yet. 

They cross over and skid behind him. They’re getting closer and the red and blue lights are bright in the rearview mirror. Still, Harry is calm. Simply shifting gears with ease as the car accelerates and offers a bit more distance before he takes a last-minute right in order to shake them.

The force of the turn slings you against the side of the door and you huff as Harry shoots you a cheeky grin.

“Sorry, baby,” he calls over the music. “You all right?”

With a grimace, you nod and say, “Mhm. Just great.”

He winks before he’s blowing through one red light and then another. Somehow missing the few cars currently crossing the street while the police are forced to slam on their brakes as somebody passes. And once they lose sight of him, he veers into an old, abandoned alley to hide.

Seconds pass before they finally fly by. Oblivious to his plan as they head further into town while Harry takes another right and disappears from the city.

He cheers victoriously and rolls down the windows and you laugh as you gaze at him. Entranced by the way he nods his head to the music as a gentle, summer breeze blows through his curls. 

Freedom tastes better with him. Life is better with him. His hand on your thigh, squeezing, while he sings along to Jimi Hendrix and grins at the open stretch of road ahead of him.

You wouldn’t want to be anywhere else and he seems to bask in your admiration before he finally looks over.

“What do you say, Clover?” he says with a wicked gleam in his eye. “Wanna see what a hundred feels like?”

A bit hesitant, yet wildly curious, you nod. 

He reaches for your hand in order to help you across the car, and you crawl over the console until you can settle onto his lap. Once you’re snug over his thighs, his arms slip beside your middle to keep you safe while he holds onto the steering wheel, and you scoot back into his chest for support. 

And it feels good. Comfortable. Even though the car is going faster and faster with each passing second, you feel protected. You know he’d never let anything happen to you. And there’s hardly any danger out here, along the old, backroads away from the city and traffic.  

The needle on the dash rises higher and higher. 70…80…90. Harry’s grinning against your cheek as the wind dances across your skin. The moon is bright in the sky, illuminating the road even without headlights and it’s exhilarating. Limitless.

“How’s that, hm?” he whispers. He kisses your jaw before dropping his foot against the gas. “You sure you’re ready, sweetheart?”

You nod quickly and brace yourself in his hold. “Mhm.”

The car reaches 100 and it feels like flying. You laugh, giddy, and he grins. The straight stretch of empty street might as well be a runway and the faster you go, the lighter you feel. As though the tires will simply lift off the ground and carry you into the sky. 

He shifts gears and the car jolts forward as the needle jumps to 110. You gasp and squirm excitedly over his lap before he suddenly groans. The sound is low and strained and you recognize the lustful cadence almost immediately.

Amused, you bite the inside of your cheek. “You okay, H?”

He takes one hand from the wheel and places it on your thigh. Squeezing it once. Pointedly. “Don’t stop.”

You don’t. You squirm again, settling into the feel of the hardening bulge beneath your ass and he makes another noise that goes straight to your cunt.

Your lashes flutter. The world blurs and your heart races. Perhaps you shouldn’t be doing this while you’re going so fast but Harry is calm. He trusts himself and you trust him.

The needle rises.

“Harry,” you whisper and his knuckles go white against the steering wheel. “Harry, please—”

“What?” His mouth rests against your cheek and you whine. “What, Clover? What do you need?”

He wants to make you say it. Wants to hear the words on your tongue and you swallow thickly as you intertwine your fingers with his. “H…”

“What, baby girl?” He nips at your skin with his teeth. “M’I making you nervous?”

You nod and he chuckles. A dark, sadistic sound.

“Do you want me to stop?”

There’s a quiet moment of hesitation before you eventually shake your head. Of course you don’t. How could you?

“No?” He squeezes your leg, touch slowly slipping beneath the fabric of your skirt. “Good girl.”

The car begins to go faster. 115…118…120. The same speed he reached during the race and even if you knew it was fast, this feels infinitely faster.  

You gasp and clutch his hand. Terrified and enthralled all in the same moment. And even if you shouldn’t be, you feel insanely aroused. Legs squeezing together as he subtly bucks up into you.

The music is loud and the wind is loud and the sound of your heart pulsing in your ears is loud. 

And then…the needle drops. The car slows. The speedometer goes from 120 to 50 in only a few seconds, and you blink curiously before glancing back at him.

He says nothing. His expression is firm but stoic and it’s not until he pulls off the road and into the dirt that you understand.

He turns the car off, then pats your hip. “Get out.”

You swallow again and swing the door open. Crawling off his lap before obediently trailing your way to the front of the vehicle while he follows.

“Bend over.”

You do. The hood is warm but not hot and it’s almost inviting as you place your hands against the covering to brace yourself in wait.

“Let me see.”

Your breath catches as you move your fingers to the delicate panties beneath your skirt. You pull them down your quivering thighs and the summer air makes you shiver. You feel nervous under his gaze. Under the way he owns you. But it’s thrilling. Addictive. And it leaves no room for questioning as you drop your underwear to your ankles in the middle of the open desert. 

You hear him step closer. Feel his hand on your hip as he pulls the fabric of your outfit up in order to get a proper look. But he’s quiet. Almost too quiet, and you feel a touch warm as you wait for his remark.

“Have you been this wet all night, Clover?” he finally asks.

You nod once. “…yes.”

“Mm.” Another pause while his other hand begins to trail up the back of your leg, slowly pulling it open. “And when were you planning to tell me?”

“I…I figured you already knew.”

He hums and you can only imagine his smirk. “Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Is that what you were waiting for, then? For me to do something about it?”

“…yes.”

The tip of his finger drags its way through your folds and the sudden sensation makes you whimper.

“Then why didn’t you ask, sweetheart?” His tone is soft but condescending and you make another noise as you attempt to glance back at him. “Uh-uh. Eyes down, Clove.”

With a huff, you drop your chin to your chest and anxiously wait for more.

“Why didn’t you ask?” he repeats. “Thought I taught you better than that.”

 When your only answer is a needy mewl, he lands his palm against your ass in a sharp smack.

“Speak,” he murmurs. “When I ask you a question, I expect you to use your words and answer me. Is that understood?”

“Yes…yes, I’m sorry.”

“So why didn’t you ask?”

“Was…nervous,” you admit, glancing off into the dark night to hide the shame in your expression. “Didn’t want to bother you.”

He steps closer and his touch becomes gentler. “You were nervous, baby girl?”

“Mm. Knew you were busy and…and didn’t wanna be greedy.”

“Oh, my sweet girl,” he exhales before he’s grabbing onto the cheeks of your ass to pull you open. Allowing him an even better view of the way you drip. “Can always be greedy with me, you know that? Don’t have to be nervous. All I wanna do is take care of you. My time is yours.”

You release a stuttered breath before your eyes fall shut. You love the way he touches you. The way he cares for you. The way he humiliates you, even out here where nobody can see. 

“Look at you,” he whispers and you feel yourself clench around nothing. “Look at how pretty your little hole is when it’s so empty.”

The pad of his thumb brushes through your folds and he ignores the way you gasp his name.

“Think I should fix that?” he asks. “Think I should fill you up? Make it better?”

“Yes,” you pant. “Yes, please—”

“D’you need me to stretch you open? Hm? Play with your little cunny till you’re coming all over my cock?”

The dirty words inside his gentle voice feel criminal. Your mind turns to mush and you can do nothing more than press your chest into the hood as you excitedly wiggle our ass further into his hand.

He laughs, amused by your desperation in a way that only pushes you further toward the endless edge. “Is that a yes, Clover?”

You nod quickly. Your cheek rubbing against the car until you finally—finally—hear the sound of his belt flicking undone. 

The metal clink is music to your ears and you release a deep moan at the thought of the leather against your skin. Of his cock as it brushes against your clit, mindlessly teasing you past the point of no return.

“Easy,” he says. “Give me your hands, sweetheart.”

Slowly, you pull your arms behind you until he captures them in his hand. He wraps the length of the belt around your wrists until he can securely bind them to the small of your back, and once your mobility is gone, you simper.

“There you go,” he coos. “You okay, honey?”

Another nod. “Yes.”

“Gonna tell me if it’s too much, yeah? If I hurt you?”

“Yes…”

“Know it’s a tight fit, baby, but m’gonna make it work. Promise.”

And this vow makes your heart thumb against the inside of your chest before you feel him disappear from behind you.

And then…his tongue.

He’s dropped into a crouch in order to taste you, fingers locked around your wrists to keep you still while his lips suck on your pussy. 

“H,” you inhale, already undone by his technique. “I…”

He says nothing but the noise of wet licking echoes between your ears. His other hand pushes your leg away, creating more room for his head as he mouths at you. He flicks your clit with the tip of his tongue and you steel yourself against the hood, almost as though to get away.

“Careful,” he warns again. He smacks your thigh. “M’having so much fun. Don’t ruin it.”

And you try to be good. Try to stay still so he can do with you as he pleases. But it becomes increasingly harder when he nips at your cunt like he means to feast on you. 

Your fingers wiggle about the air, desperate to grab him. To clutch onto his curls or yank on his arm. But he keeps you restrained, keeps you compliant. And you are nothing but a toy for him to play with now.

You hear the sounds of the world around you. The crickets, the owls, the flock of birds flying overhead. You’re reminded yet again that anybody could drive by, even out here in the middle of nowhere. They could find you, bent over the hood of a Lamborghini as you get tongue fucked by the handsome man on his knees.

And yet…you don’t care. In fact, you almost hope somebody does pass. Because you know Harry wouldn’t stop even if they did. He’d keep going until you were unraveling in his hands as you whimpered his name.

As if to prove this, he adds a finger in beside his devious lips. “Gotta make sure you can take me,” he says in a low grunt. “S’too tight in here, Clove. Don’t think I’ll fit.”

You whine louder and angle your ass closer. Desperate to get his finger in as far as it’ll go. “I’ll take it,” you promise. “I will. Always do.”

“Always do,” he repeats in a soft chuckle. “That’s right, you do. Treat my cock right, don’t you, sweetheart?”

Nearly purring, you allow the subtle thrust of his hand to drag you closer to that blinding pleasure. 

“Do anything I ask. Even have my babies, wouldn’t you?”

The thought nearly does you in. Your tummy all swollen and full of him. Tits leaking milk that he’d eagerly lap up. The way he’d still treat your body like a temple. A prize to behold. Because you were carrying what he gave you. He fucked you so hard and so deep that you became a vessel for him. 

And even past that, you’ve always wanted to be a mother. Always wanted to start a family with him because you know he’d be a wonderful father. He’d take them to races and hold them on his shoulders so they could watch. He’d kiss all over their little cheeks and tuck them into bed. And your kids would know nothing but love. Because they’d look up to the two of you.

It makes you smile.

“What do you say, hm?” he whispers between kitten licks to your pussy. “You wanna have my babies? Wanna make me a daddy?”

He adds a second finger and begins to scissor them almost immediately until you cry out. Loud enough to startle a bird from a nearby branch and this proves to be answer enough for him.

“Okay,” he decides. “Okay, I’ll fuck your little pussy and get it all nice and full. Give you all I’ve got. And you’ll take it, won’t you? Hold it in your little belly like a good mama.”

You cum. Suddenly and without warning as the intensity of the orgasm explodes behind your eyelids like stars in the sky. You cum and you don’t get a chance to warn him or prepare or even hold off as you feel yourself drip down his hand. 

“God, H,” you moan. You sound pitiful. Voice hoarse from the way you’ve been wailing and arms sore from the way he keeps them behind you. Still, you don’t mind. The pain is pleasure in and of itself. “I…m’so…”

“Yeah.” He stands up and tugs his pants down. “I know, baby. I am, too.”

The tip of his cock drags through your soaked and sensitive pussy before he pushes in. He’s right, it is a tight fit. Even with the way you attempt to relax your muscles and draw him in. But it’s always snug with him and truth be told, you almost prefer it this way.

“There you go,” he breathes, dipping down to kiss your shoulder before drawing back his hips. “Just like that. Fucking hell, Clove, I wish you could see. Wish you could fucking see the way you look taking me right now.”

You wish you could, too. As it is, the feeling is enough to make your eyes roll back and send sparks of electricity up the length of your spine.

He keeps your wrists in his hand as he fucks into you. Sharp thrusts that sound sloppy and uncoordinated but feel like heaven. And there’s an urgency here. A desolate need to feel you unravel. He cares for you and he uses you all with the same technique. 

He grabs your leg and forces it up onto the hood. Giving him more room and a deeper angle just to hear you moan. And you hate that you can’t see him. Because you know how pretty he looks when he’s in control. His adrenaline high and his eyes alive with the possibilities of what he could do to you.

Instead, you choose to imagine. The way a few rogue curls must be sweeping across his forehead, unable to stay constrained beneath the sticky gel he likes to put in his hair. His chest is probably heaving, offering peeks of his tattoos beneath the white shirt clinging to his sweaty torso. His thighs will be flexing with each thrust. The muscles rippling in such a way that would surely make you drool. 

You understand why every woman you pass on the street tends to fawn over him. You know they’d do anything to take him home. Cook for him, clean for him, be good for him. Anything to earn his affection.

But you also know, his affection belongs to you. You’ve seen it, time and time again. He doesn’t even glance their way. He doesn’t notice when they giggle over him or when they try to call to him with their eyes. 

Because his eyes are always on you.

“You’re beautiful,” you hear him whisper. It’s soft—restrained. Almost as though he doesn’t mean for you to hear it. But you do and you nearly sink into the car in bliss. “Fucking hell, sweetheart. You’re perfect.”

A fervent heat rushes through your body from his praise and subsequently has you clenching around him. The feeling makes him groan and you’re proud of the way you can still care for him. Even if you can’t see him. Even if he’s the one with all the power.

“This sweet little pussy takes such good care of me,” he says and reaches around your tummy in order to press his palm against the subtle bulge there. “Every…fucking…time.”

You careen forward, cheek squished into the hood, skin dewy from the way your body shakes with pleasure. It’s always this close and somehow, he keeps you there. As though reminding you not to cum until he says so.

The hand on your stomach moves down until his fingers find your sensitive clit. He rubs and he plucks and he plays with your body with the same precision and skill he uses when he drives. Because no matter how much he loves to race, he loves you more. And winning you will always be infinitely better than winning some goddamn race.

“What do you say, hm?” he mumbles from behind you, rubbing the swollen nerves while pistoning his hips to yours. Dragging you closer and closer and closer. “You gonna cum for me? Gonna let me feel it?”

You nod and when you start to waver over that edge, he chuckles.

“Okay,” he agrees. “Okay, baby, cum.”

You do. Again. Harder this time. Louder. It’s almost cruel how easily your body breaks beneath him but before you can indulge in the feel of the way he follows…he’s pulling out. 

He guides you away from the hood and turns you both around. He sits in the spot you once were and he lets you see him. Because this is what you needed. The intimacy, the eye-contact. The beautiful look on his face.

He guides you closer with his hold on your bound wrists before pulling you onto his lap as best he can. He helps you place one leg back on the hood while his other hand moves to guide his cock between your overstimulated folds. Then, he brushes his swollen tip through, just to tease himself, before he’s pushing in.

And you can see him now. Can see the fucked-out expression on his face. The way his vision becomes hazy and his teeth grit together in ecstasy. 

You whimper, whine, cry out. You want to hold him. Want to wrap your arms around his neck and curl yourself into his beautiful, broad chest. 

But you can’t this time. In fact, he uses his grip on the belt to help roll you over his cock. A soft smile on his face as he whispers, “Just one more, sweetheart. Give me one more.”

He’s insatiable and greedy and you love it. Because you’d fuck yourself on his cock for the rest of time if you could. Even out here in the open.

“Wanna watch,” he whispers, then slips his other hand around the back of your neck to bring you down for a kiss. “Wanna watch the way I fill you all full of my babies.”

You make a rather pitiful noise against his mouth and he smirks. 

“You want that, too, don’t you, Clove?”

You nod, although you imagine it should be obvious. You’d do anything for him. 

“This little pussy was made to have my babies, wasn’t it?” he says and kisses the corner of your lips before moving down your neck. “Just made to be fucked by me. Perfect tummy to carry my kids. You’ll be so good, mama. Know you will.”

Your lashes flutter shut. The nickname breeds something new in your chest, a blossoming sort of urgency that almost makes it hard to breathe.

“Harry,” you plead. You nudge your nose against his temple. “Harry, please—”

“Shh.” His voice is soft. Still mischievous but kind. “I’ve got you. Yeah? M’right here. Just let me take care of you.”

And he does. He moves his hand from your neck to your shirt, slipping underneath until he can find your tits and give them a squeeze. 

“There you go,” he coos. “Oh, baby girl. Do anything for you, you know that? Just to keep you.”

He moves from your chest to your clit, and you know the second his fingers make contact, you’ll be gone. You squirm in anticipation, and he grins against your cheek before kissing you hard. Tongues and teeth colliding as he sucks on your lip and murmurs, “Can I cum in your pretty pussy, mama? Will you let me? Please?”

You nod so quick and so hard, your head aches. But it doesn’t matter because nothing else will ever compare to the feel of his hand on your body and his cock in your cunt. Releasing the warm, sticky offering that means infinitely more now than it did before.

He thrusts up into you a time or two, milking himself with your pussy before he drops back down and pulls you with him.

You’re both panting. Heavy, hard. Depleted of all energy as he holds you as close to his heart as he can.

Eventually, he frees you, tugging on the belt with one, easy pull as it comes loose from around your wrists. And the moment your arms are returned to you, you use them to grab onto his shoulders and bury yourself in his embrace.

He laughs. A delicate sound that makes you feel just as warm as his cock does. And you stay there for as long as you can until he finally nips at your earlobe and says, “Need to get you home, Clove. Don’t want you to get cold out here.”

“M’not cold,” you pout. “And we can’t leave until it works.”

“Until what works?”

You look down and he looks, too.

Then, he grins. A big, giddy grin that’s all teeth and dimples. “Oh,” he murmurs. “Can’t leave until you’re pregnant, huh?”

“Mhm.”

“I see.” He squeezes your hips and kisses your neck. “Gonna have to hold me in there, aren’t you? Keep me all snug?”

“Mhm.”

“All right, mama,” he says and you giggle. “We’ll stay until you’re all nice and pregnant. And then I’m gonna take you home and fuck you again. Just to make sure.”

Your stomach flips.

“S’that sound good, Clover?” he asks, and you bring your eyes to his in order to see him fully.

You smile.

“That sounds perfect, Daddy.”

For a more immersive experience, feel free to play All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix during the chase hehe

Beautiful divider by @firefly-graphics 💞

Taglist: @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @keepdrivingkisses @swiftmendeshoran @tiredinwinter @straightontilmornin @justlemmeadoreyou @harrysdaydreams @tiaamberxx @myfavfanficsever @littlenatilda @vamprry @fdl305 @ssaama @indierockgirrl @likeapplejuicenpeach @lukesaprince @closureesny @lc-fics @0nlythrowharrybeaux @hannahdressedasabanana @dylanobandposts21 @butdaddyilovehim-hs @floral-recs @itjustkindahappenedreally @samanddeaninatrenchcoat

[gay-dorito-dust]

can I request batboys with an s/o who shows affection with biting?

it’s kinda stupid, but it could be cute, or they’re weirded out.

I don’t know, whatever you think ❤️

Idk why but I like the idea of Tim absolutely reading people to filth, this might just be me but I like it.

Dick would yelp when you first bit him on the neck, instinctively pressing a hand there and look at you with a pout.

‘I know I’m an absolute snack but I didn’t think I’d see the day where you’d try and take a bite out of me.’ He whined as he rubbed his neck, feeling exactly where you bit him from the teeth marks and wetness you left behind.

He loves it when you bite him but he can’t help in being dramatic when your bite marks are left in the most visible places where anybody could see them and speculate.

‘What if people ask if I like being bit?’ Dick would gasp, looking at the marks through the mirror, whimpering slightly when lightly grazing them. ‘What if they think I like being marked?’

‘Well you obviously do because not once had you stopped me once from biting you. Not once.’ You replied from your place on the bed, looking up from your phone to stare at him through the reflective surface. ‘If anything I think I heard you whimper a few times whenever I bite your neck.’ You add, smirking upon seeing Dick’s face grow flustered.

Dick wouldn’t admit it but he did like it when you bit him, probably more then he should, but he loved the fact that whenever you bit him you were only reassuring him that he was yours and you were his, albeit in your own unique way of affection.

Jason would bite you back purely out of retaliation but it’s mainly on your cheek or shoulders that he bites.

He lives for the little yelps you give when he does bite down on your shoulder lightly, smirking like the cheeky shit he could be at times.

He’ll proudly display the bite marks to anyone who was getting too comfortable with him for his own liking, by pulling down the collar of his shirt and showing off your bite marks across his collar bone and says with his whole chest ‘I’m taken.’

Once you both were lying on bed and were just about ready to fall asleep, but your eyes honed in on his bare upper body, more specifically his big tiddies. Jason -who had just put down his book after finishing a chapter- gave you a look and said ‘don’t you fucking dare-‘ but it was already too late as you opened your mouth and bite down on his left tiddy, staying there for a good deal of time.

Jason only sighs and pets your head, pressing a kiss there and whispers. ‘What am I going to do with you?’ To which you respond cheekily with. ‘Love me?’

Jason couldn’t help but chuckle. ‘I can think of a few ways to do that.’ But before you could ask what he meant with that, he then proceeded to bite down your neck, causing you to squeak.

However when Jason bites you, it looks at though you’ve been bites by a fucking vampire, mainly because he’s got four distinctly sharp dentures and you had developed somewhat a love/hate relationship with it, much to Jason’s amusement.

‘Hey! You do it to me so why shouldn’t I do it to you?’ He’d say with his hands raised but a smile on his face and mischievous glint in his eyes. He loves it more than he lets on, he just likes to meet you on equal footing.

He calls you his little piranha.

Tim would look at you as if to say ‘are you done?’

He’s perpetually tired from everything, so you biting him to show affection doesn’t phase him in the slightest.

You could bite his bicep and he’d be like ‘love you too you menace.’ Before taking a sip from his mug as he went about the rest of his day, uncaring of the bite mark already forming on his bicep.

However whenever Tim feels as though he’s missing you, he’d just brush his fingers over the bite mark and remind himself that you were waiting for him to come back…and probably bite him as a way to show him that you missed him also, but he really didn’t mind.

If anything his only request is that you don’t bite him anywhere his brothers could see them, they’ve already teased him enough about being with you that seeing a single bite mark would send them into utter insanity. They’d would never him live it down and would forever tease him into hell and back for it, especially Damian and Jason.

Even if you did accidentally leave a bite mark on a viable part of him and someone teases him for it, all he has for do is look them in the eye and say ‘at least I got someone who makes me really happy, and who isn’t afraid of showing me that they love me just as equally without feeling ashamed.’ He stops and looks them over with a look. ‘Which is more than I can say for you, the only real relationship you have is with a box of tissues, lube and a shitty computer system that’s on the verge of collapse.’ He adds before stalking off, leaving the person to wonder how Tim knew about the shitty computer, a shitty computer that was currently being held together by duck tape of all things.

All in all, Tim doesn’t mind you biting him in a display of affection, just don’t do so in areas where his family will take notice of and start asking really uncomfortable questions…

[sukunas-wife]

Sealed 2

1 3

“Year after year after year the hours pass and it never ends, I’ve been here for millennia is Ryomen even trying?” You sat down onto the pile of bones, skeletons supporting you the best they could. The Prison Realm had become your domain, you’d molded every bone and skeleton to do your work. Your elbow resting on the spine of skeleton your cheek pressing against your fist as you stared bored.

Looking down the pile of bones and skeletons holding up your throne that you had formed to match Sukuna’s you saw two Skeletons battling for your amusement. Sighing you slouched back in your throne, watching the two headed four armed skeleton using sharpened bones as spears, fighting a towering 6 armed Skelton. His arms like vices ready to grab and shove whatever into its gaping rib cage to crush it. “This needs more!” The two skeletons looked up at you, before the rumbling of the skeletal centaur could be heard, a centaur of bone, his torso with 4 arms, it held an extended spine as if it were a chain. Lower two arms ready to grab at anything, more specifically rip off the head and spine of its opponents.

“YES! THIS IS what we need!” You smacked the skeleton who stood near you on the back. His bones shaking as you leaned forward, you’d find out soon which of your creations was truly the strongest. “Let’s get this show started-“ it was quick blur of red and black before you were standing head tilted to the side as you stared irked at the man in front of you. “Do YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID.”

“PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I BEG FOR MERCY I SPENT MUCH OF MY LIFE LOOKING FOR THIS TREASURE THATS BEEN hidden away heating the tales of how the sourcerer’s of old time had wrongly imprisoned a Diety of Fertility separating her from her son. I just come to beg and ask you give my wife your blessing to have a child were old in age but she’s always prayed and begged. I’ve run out of hope until i heard you tale, i beg and hoped you’d have mercy- Sit up” was all you said. The man went from groveling to sitting back on his heels. Sighing the conflict inside of you was great. You looked around tucking your arms into the sleeves of your worn Kimono. “Bring me your wife,” you looked up through the canopy of the trees you see the sun at mid day, “you have two sunsets and then I leave.” The man quickly bowed again at your feet thanking you before running off. You kicked the prison realm box “Damnit who won!” You snatched it up, the air was familiar, you started to look around. The reason it was so familiar was because it wasn’t to far from where you had been sealed. The skeletal remains of the sourcerers made you seethe. You found the remains of the man who sealed you grabbing his skull with your free hand making it look at you, “my child my husband,” you crushed it without fail, “you took it all from me and now everyone will pay.” Th tears falling down were hot. Dropping the remains you started your first technique “Reanimate.” A wave of purple radiated from you, hitting every border of the palace. Skeletal remains shaking and coming together to stand, “Get this place back into shape.” They started moving, you made your way inside the palace the inside help had been reanimated also, your ladies in waiting now remains, standing beside you as you enter “Find fabric I need new robes.” They rushed off and you made it to your old room, the massive bed your son had fallen off many times when he would try to sleep with you and his dad. The wardrobe filled with your husband’s old robes. The room was dusty and smelt humid, shoving the window open you tried not to cry, on the window sill was a talisman Sukuna had created for Yuji. Sniffling you turned your head, finding a small blanket and stuffed Tiger doll Yuji carried around that morning. A gift for his 2nd birthday that he loved and it showed on the tigers rugged appearance.

“My Yuji..” your faint whisper sounding so loud in the silence as you ran your fingers of the stuffed doll holding it close to your chest as you made your way around the room planning your moves. Your plans had always been to follow in similar steps to Sukuna. Except that you’d be known for good to balance out the evil perspective they had of your husband. First, fix your palace. Second, create miracles in the closest town or village to make profit and move into a bigger city to improve profits. Find wherever Sukuna had been sealed away, and break him free. Find Yuji and take him back from this cruel world.

❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️

It’s been over 100 more years and you’d grown accustomed to the changing in technology and times, passing the crowds into your shrine you smiled ruffling the heads of kids who smiled up at you, rubbing the plump bellies of pregnant women you passed and “blessing” the sick with instant health with simply laying a hand on them and smiling kindly.

Entering your shrine for the last time your Gentlemen in waiting was packing up what was left. The last thing left was the main room where your wide throne sat, you’d be leaving it being to your followers, the cushions you provided for your followers during your sessions. “Morí.” You called out and he came from the room he was in bowing and holding his hands out in front of him. “Yes Lady Y/n?”

“Morinozuka, we’re leaving tonight to Sendai City. The mark of my binding vow is burning more, but are you sure that’s where we need to go?”

“Yes Lady Y/n.” He spoke not looking up from his bow. You nodded, “then it’s final.”

❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️🖤🖤❤️

“So this is the place?” You turned to Morí and he nodded. “It’s not as lavish but this is the closest we can get… Your excellency.. I strongly recommend you continue to hide your cursed energy until I suggest otherwise.” You nodded getting out of the car “Very well, I will.”

It was morning when you had arrived, standing in front of the door to the house you looked over an elder man was walking out of his house he looked over and you smiled at him and he had a very faint twitch of his lip. Until a man with pink hair came out, follows by a woman with black hair and you felt it. The pulse of cursed energy and instinctively you grabbed Mori by his robes and pulled him towards you, “That woman, she’s no woman that- is the carrier of your child.” You head snapped instantly to him, “The father of my child, that’s the sorcerer who knew Sukuna, and he is going to mother my child?” Your face showing your exact emotions Mori placing a hand over yours, “Lady Y/n, please recollect your thoughts. I can assure you he will NOT be mothering your child, and her husband will not be fathering him either.” Letting go of his robes you nodded. Looking over your shoulder you watched the couple get into a car the elder man scowling when they started to drive away.

Turning to look at you he tucked his arms behind his back walking over, “Good Morning I’m L/n Y/n.” You greeted bowing after you moved closer, he dismissed you with a wave of your hand. “Morning, Wasuke Itadori.” He cocked a brow and looked over at your house, “It’s been up for sale for a long time. Almost 3 years before someone has moved in.” You looked back at your house, “I moved in to get closer to work. I thought it was just a blessing for everything to line up so perfectly.”

He nodded, “Well, blessings only go so far here. My son’s wife is something I’d consider to be a curse.” You nodded, “oddly enough I wouldn’t disagree. I know a snake when I see one and from a brief glance I wouldn’t trust her at all.”

He nodded, “Have a good day moving in, if you need help my son and his wife will be returning soon. I’m sure either of them would be willing to help with any problems.”

“Have a good day Mr.Itadori.” You bowed your head slightly and you both went separate ways.

“Mori,” you sighed entering your house “count these days.”

[penkura]

Everybody Knows

Summary: You want to keep it a secret as long as you can, but living on a pirate ship makes that difficult.

Warnings: Pregnancy, mentions of vomiting, slight food aversions, loving husband Sanji (not a warning tbh haha)

Note: Everyone, hi!! I wrote this before I ever finished 'knowing', and I just couldn't help but to share it here now that that's completed! I loved writing this so much, and yes, this is one of the two one-shots that are connected to 'knowing'! I'll post the second next week most likely! This also takes place about four to five years after the end of 'knowing'! I hope you all will enjoy this!!

“Sanji, look, look!! It’s positive!”

“Wait. No way, really?!”

Your smiling and giggling while showing off the positive pregnancy test ended up being contagious, Sanji grinning when he saw it as he wrapped you in a tight hug and spun you just a little. He couldn’t do it too much after all! You’d just found you were likely carrying a precious blessing, he didn’t want to make you dizzy or sick or anything!

It’d been nearly four years since your wedding on the Thousand Sunny after the events in Wano, and just about two years since you decided to start trying for a baby, but now! Now you were pregnant! Finally, after what felt like so much longer than it should have been. You hadn’t told anyone that you two were even thinking about having a baby, you wanted to keep it as secret as possible, and it taking almost two years to even get to the point of a positive test was definitely keeping it secret.

Honestly, when you’d told him you wanted to try having a baby, Sanji was ecstatic and nervous all at the same time. Of course he wanted to be a dad, he’d thought about it for so long, especially once you two married. But, with the life of a pirate, it couldn’t be that safe, could it? Obviously others had done it, Gol D. Roger had kids on his ship, Whitebeard did too, and Big Mom had all her kids (don’t remind him of that though, poor man thought he’d never see you again). The world had become moderately safer, people weren’t as terrified of pirates anymore, specifically your crew with how much you had helped others.

When you did tell him, you had made sure no one else was around and that it was about bedtime for most of the crew. You’d stay in the kitchen with Sanji while he finished off the dishes, telling you what he was thinking about cooking the next day for meals most nights, and that was the perfect time. A few of your crewmates came through to wish you both goodnight. Nami had done so early so she could check the map and log pose, making sure you were heading in the right direction. Zoro had the first night shift and had, like always, just requested someone bring him some sake after a while. Brook had chosen to spend some time playing his violin on the deck, Franky was likely in his workshop you thought. Robin came and said goodnight a bit later, saying she’d be joining Zoro in the crow’s nest for a bit with her latest book. You hadn’t been entirely sure about where Jimbei was at first, then heard him on the deck with Brook. Luffy and Usopp had tried to sneak in with Chopper to get a late night snack, making you giggle softly when you saw them come in the door as quietly as they could, before Sanji threw bread at them and chased them out, shouting “that’s all you get! The kitchen is now closed, goodnight unless you want to work!”

Hearing your giggle made Sanji turn back and smile at you, his lovely wife! He still couldn’t believe you two were married some days, just about two years at this point. Before he even started on the dishes, he stopped and gave you a kiss on the top of your head, saying “Once I’m done with the dishes we can head to bed, okay?”

“Sure!”

You tried to keep your focus on your own book while he worked, but your thoughts kept jumping around. You started one thought and lost it, wondering what it was before it came back, and your face heated up at the thought you’d been having the last few weeks anytime you were alone with your dear husband. Every time you’d try and bring the subject of having a baby up to Sanji, someone would interrupt and you’d back down, nervous they’d hear and it would spread around the ship before you even started trying.

You just wanted to be a mom on top of being a pirate, nothing more to it. And you knew Sanji would be an amazing father. No matter how his biological father was, Sanji would be different, he’d had Zeff as his chosen father, his real father. You knew he would be okay.

When Brook started to play what sounded like a familiar lullaby from the East Blue, it made you smile. You checked around quickly to make sure the coast was clear, before getting up from your spot at the table and walking over to Sanji, giving him a hug from behind that made him greet you.

“Sanji~?”

He hummed a bit while finishing drying another dish, “Yes, darling? What can I do for you?”

Smiling just a bit and burying your face in his shirt, you quietly made your request, “I want us to have a baby.”

It was loud enough for him to hear it, nearly causing Sanji to drop the plate in his hand as he choked a bit on his cigarette. Carefully, he set the plate down before turning around and taking your face in his (still damp) hands, trying to make out if you were joking with him or not. All you did in return was smile softly, nothing but love for him in your eyes. Once he realized your smile was sincere and that’s what you really wanted, he smiled widely and nodded, kissing you all over your face.

“Of course, of course, mon amour!!” he was almost as quiet as you were, he could tell you didn’t want anyone else to hear this precious desire yet, “Absolutely, whatever you want, as many as you want!”

You giggled while he kept kissing your face and you wrapped your arms back around his shoulders. "One would be a good start."

Now, you finally had the positive test you’d been anxiously waiting for. Every other one you’d taken that came up negative frustrated both of you at times, but every time it happened, seeing how upset you were, Sanji would just hug you and say it would happen one day, he just knew it would. You’d just keep trying and praying and hoping until it did.

And finally it did. The second line on the test was faint, but you could see it. You had a positive test!

After you two had calmed down from your excitement, you decided to keep the news secret for the time being. You wanted either Chopper or a doctor at the next island to confirm that your test wasn’t a false positive before you told anyone. The ship was due to land at an island that had a large town on it the next day, so Sanji agreed on taking you to a doctor once you did, under the guise of getting some ingredients to store (of course he did need to do that shopping, but making sure you really were pregnant was top priority). You absolutely trusted Chopper as a doctor, but you knew it was likely word would spread sooner than you wanted it to, so you made the choice to go to a doctor once you docked at the next island instead.

Some of your crewmates picked up on how you two acted through the day, but didn’t think too much of it. You guys were sickeningly sweet to each other most of the time anyway, it was gross how lovey-dovey you were (to Zoro anyway). A few times you’d be doing your chores, and someone, namely Robin or Nami, would catch how Sanji, who had been handing drinks and snacks to those who wanted them, would catch you out of the corner of his eye, before quietly watching you for a moment, deciding to go over and offering to take your work off your hands. You just smiled and said he could help if he was that bored and he looked like he wanted to say something, but instead gave a smile and a nod, helping you finish your chores a little faster.

Nami noticed first how weird Sanji was acting towards you. Normally he'd be his regular self, providing her and Robin with drinks and snacks in his normal way, before going over the top to do the same for you. It made sense since you were his wife, but that day he seemed…off? Almost like something had happened to calm him down. His normal acts of treating them like queens were a bit more subdued, and then with you, the one he almost treated like a goddess, he seemed like he'd been hit with a tranquilizer that made him more gentle, soft. It was very odd.

“Hmmm, Robin? Do you think those two are being…weird?”

Robin looked up from her book just enough to see Nami watching you two again; you were playing a card game with Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper, while Sanji stayed nearby just watching. This was the most they'd seen him out of the kitchen in a while, it definitely was odd.

“Sanji is being a bit more protective of her today.”

“Is [Y/N] sick or something?”

“She seems normal to me. Maybe she’s pregnant.”

Nami laughed a little louder than she intended, but it didn’t gain yours or Sanji’s attention. It did gain Luffy's, who looked over wondering what Nami was laughing about before returning his attention to your card game.

“That’d be something.”

Neither girl dared to ask you about it that day, just in case they were incorrect and said something that could be considered offensive. They didn’t even know if you two wanted to have kids in the first place, maybe you just didn’t feel well and Sanji was just being the overprotective husband to his sick wife. The last time you'd been sick he barely left your side and got some help with the cooking so he could take care of you.

When it was dinner time, you were very careful to not let anyone notice how the smell of the fish you were having was making you nauseous. When Luffy asked why you weren't having any, you made the excuse of not feeling very well, deciding to forgo the fish to keep from making yourself sick. It wasn't technically a lie, you just made it sound convincing enough that no one questioned you further.

A silly argument broke out about who would get your share since you weren't eating the fish, and it made you laugh along with Nami. Luffy and Brook both wanted it, Usopp said it should be left for the next day because maybe you'd feel up to eating it then, while Chopper tried to ask you what was wrong and you just told him your stomach was a bit upset, he said he'd give you something to help if you wanted.

You really did impress Sanji with how well you were keeping your little secret. If it weren't for your restraint, he'd have told everyone by now, he was sure of it. It was taking everything in him not to pick up a transponder snail and call Zeff to let him know the good news. He knew you'd let him as soon as it was really, truly confirmed, he was just so anxious to tell someone.

Everyone cleared out after dinner minus you and Robin, she decided to stay behind and help with clearing the table, something you normally did to spend some extra time with your husband that he greatly appreciated.

However, this time, Sanji kept trying to make you stop helping.

"[Y/N], please, sit down! Robin and I will take care of the table." Sanji really, really wanted you to sit down and take it easy. If you were pregnant, you needed rest! You might be growing a whole new person inside you! You'd need all the energy you could have over the next few months!

"Sanji, it's ok! I can help."

"[Y/N]," Robin gave you a smile as she looked between you and Sanji, "if you aren't feeling well, I don't mind helping tonight. You should go let Chopper check you though, just to be certain it's not something to be worried about."

You bit the inside of your lip, wanting to tell Robin why Sanji was being so much more protective over you, but you weren't sure if you should. You viewed her like an older sister, and knew that if you did tell her, she'd keep your secret. Robin would take any secret you told her to the grave. Instead, you looked at Sanji with a slightly pleading look that caused him to just know what you were thinking. Sanji gave you a smile and nodded, which made you smile in return.

"Robin, the only reason Sanji is like this right now is because we got a positive pregnancy test this morning."

Honestly, Robin was joking earlier when she made that suggestion to Nami, but hearing you confirm her silly thought actually made her smile even more at you.

"Really? That's wonderful!"

Nodding, you started to almost beg for her silence on the matter.

"We don't want anyone else to know yet, so I haven't gone to Chopper for real confirmation. We're going to go find a doctor on the next island tomorrow to get a blood test done."

"That's a very good idea, to make absolutely sure your test was positive."

Sanji nodded, setting a hand on your shoulder. "So…could you keep it a secret please? Just until we have it confirmed."

"Of course. Your secret is safe with me."

Robin then joined Sanji even more in telling you to sit and relax, to the point you decided to head to bed with a laugh when Sanji said he didn't mean you had to leave. All you did was kiss him and say you'd see him when he finally came to bed himself.

You took a quick shower, before changing into your pajamas and choosing to lay in bed, hair still a bit wet but you didn't care. You wanted to see that positive pregnancy test again. It still felt surreal to you that it might be happening. You might become a mother in a few months.

The two faint, pink lines were still there, you hadn't been dreaming all day.

Gosh I hope it's not a false positive…

Eventually Sanji did come to bed with you, after his own shower and with his hair still damp too. You barely even moved when he laid down next to you, setting his hand on your stomach while you kept staring at the test.

"It's so weird."

"Hmm?"

"To think that we might be having a baby. It feels weird, doesn't it?"

He nodded a bit, while you finally laid the test back down on your nightstand and turned to face your dearly loved husband with a smile.

"You might get to be a dad soon."

"And you might get to be a mom soon."

Your giggle never failed to make him smile, even more than he already was. Sanji wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you close to him, hugging you and burying his face in your hair.

"I love you…no matter what we find out next, I love you so much."

You returned his hug and sighed happily, content with where you were now. You really hoped and prayed your test was accurate, that soon you'd be parents, you'd have a baby of your own to care for and love as well.

"I love you too, Sanji."

All would be well.

+!+

"All right everyone, I have your allowances for today!"

The normal culprits of bad spending habits cheered or thanked Nami, while you gladly took your decent sum and pocketed it immediately. Of course you wanted to look for some clothes, but you had no idea how much a doctor would charge you for a test, so you hoped the allowance Nami gave to you would be enough for both.

Usually you'd join in on drawing straws to see who stayed on the ship to guard it, but before you even could take one from Usopp, Sanji took your hand and told everyone you had decided you were going with him to get groceries this time. Not a single one of your crewmates questioned it, the rest of them drawing straws and Zoro and Jimbei being the lucky ones to stay on the Sunny. Once everything was settled, the rest of you left the ship and broke off in different directions. You stopped a local and quietly asked her where a doctor or women's clinic was, and she was kind enough to lead you and Sanji there.

After the kind older woman left you, the two of you didn't go inside yet. Your nerves had picked up and Sanji could tell. He felt the same way, you both had the same thought running through heads.

What if it was a false positive? What if all your hopes you'd had over the last 24 hours were about to be dashed and you weren't really going to have a baby?

Despite all the fears and worries, Sanji held your hand just a bit tighter and it brought you out of your thoughts and you looked at him.

"Do you want me to go in with you?"

You thought for a second, then shook your head. "It's ok, I can go. You need to go grocery shopping so we're back on the ship at the meeting time."

Although he really did want to go with you, Sanji nodded and gave you a tight hug, kissing your forehead. "No matter what they say, I love you. You know that right?"

"Of course I do!" You laughed a bit, leaning up to give your sweet husband a kiss. "I love you too, and I know it's all gonna be okay. Meet you here in about an hour?"

Sanji nodded, letting you go but letting his fingers linger on yours as you turned and walked into the clinic. He stayed for a few minutes, before turning to go find the shopping district and get his grocery shopping done by the hour time was up, saying silent prayers that the news you brought back would be good.

+!+

The hour you had agreed on had passed, Sanji was waiting for you outside the clinic nervously. He'd honestly expected you to be outside and waiting for him already, but maybe something was wrong? Did something happen that was keeping you there longer than you expected? He prayed it wasn't something along the lines of you getting your pregnancy confirmed but being told you'd lost the baby already. That would devastate both of you after the time you'd had even just trying to get pregnant.

No, no, don't even think that. Everything is fine.

Every time someone exited the clinic and it wasn't you, Sanji got even more anxious, wishing you'd finally step out. He'd nearly gone through another two cigarettes while waiting, knowing you'd be upset with him over it but he couldn't help it. The nicotine was at least calming his nerves somewhat.

I'll have to apologize to [Y/N] later.

Finally, after another almost twenty minutes, you left the clinic and his nerves calmed a bit more but his heart started racing, wondering what you were going to tell him. You hadn't even looked up from whatever papers you had been given, you were still reading them it looked like. But once you did and saw Sanji was waiting for you, you gave him the brightest smile he thought he'd ever seen from you, even brighter than the one you had when you two got married.

"Sanji!" You ran to him and threw your arms around him, causing him to do the same. He tried to ask you what the doctor said but the words wouldn't come out, but once you pulled back from your hug, you didn't stop smiling. "It was right! We're having a baby!"

Actually hearing you confirm that your pregnancy test was positive made Sanji unbelievably happy. Even though he could feel tears starting, he smiled at you, hugging you again even tighter than before, picking you up and spinning you a bit, and telling you how happy he was. He set you back down and released you from the hug, kissing your face and thanking you for this blessing while you laughed a bit. He didn't need to thank you, not even a little bit. It was your choice and you were glad to be having a baby with him.

After one more kiss, he ended up pulling away from you with a grin, throwing his arms in the air with tears in his eyes.

"I'm gonna be a dad!!!"

+!+

Usopp and Nami were the ones to find out next. The two had been wandering the town when they came up near the clinic Sanji had dropped you off at, not thinking much about it at the time. You had a doctor on the ship, Chopper was the best one possible!

…so why was Sanji standing outside this clinic like he was waiting for something?

"What's he doing?"

"Why would I know that?"

The two were obviously confused. Had you gone inside? Were you that sick? Why didn't you tell Chopper or anyone else?? You could have stayed on the ship instead of letting Sanji drag you to town! Granted yes, he was your husband and you didn't seem to mind at all, but still. If you weren't well, you could have stayed behind and rested instead of running through the town in the few hours Nami had given you all to explore. She had just learned it would take two days for the log to reset, so you had plenty of time to explore! Honestly, sometimes Nami thought Sanji of all people could be a touch more considerate when you said you weren't feeling well.

"[Y/N] did say she had an upset stomach last night," Usopp remembered while watching Sanji light a second cigarette, "maybe they didn't want to bother Chopper and brought her here?"

"Oh come on, they have to be hiding something." Nami was trying to think what could be so important that you two would come to a random clinic on this island instead of just going to Chopper, just as you stepped out and ran to hug Sanji. The two of you were full of smiles and excitement, making her tilt her head. "What's going on?" Nami was trying so hard to hear, she was about to just discreetly walk by and eavesdrop.

"I don't know, I can't hear them." Usopp leaned in a little more, still trying to stay hidden.

The two didn't need to wait any longer to know what you two were saying, as Sanji's outburst of shouting that he was going to be a dad told them everything and Nami gasped while Usopp's jaw dropped almost to the ground.

"She's pregnant!!"

"Did…did they plan that?!"

"Who cares, Usopp! There's gonna be a baby on the ship soon!"

The two were conflicted on if they should confront you now or wait until you told everyone, while they were deciding you and Sanji had started walking back towards the farmer's market to finish the grocery shopping, neither Nami or Usopp noticing until she went to shout for the two of you.

"They're gone! Dang it!"

"Well…I bet they'll tell us later, Nami."

"If they don't," Nami's berri eyes didn't get past Usopp, "I can try offering them some baby funds, at an interest."

"Nothing gets by you."

+!+

Getting back to the ship, you helped Sanji put away all the groceries (despite him telling, begging you to rest), before putting away the very few clothes you ended up purchasing. After paying for your appointment and the prenatal vitamins they gave you, your allowance was about half gone, but you were able to find a few cute clothes you could wear now and some pieces to put away for later on. It was a bit difficult for you to find some maternity clothing items, but you did find some cute pieces! Even more difficult was keeping those pieces hidden when you were showing the other items to Nami, Robin, and Chopper. You made the excuse that they were more intimate items which flew over Chopper's head but made Nami pull a face while Robin laughed a bit.

Nami did keep pestering you about what you did and how you spent all your money this time, but it wasn't that weird to you, she normally asked if anyone had anything left from what she gave them, and if they wanted her to put it away for the next island stop. You almost, almost told her, but just claimed your clothes were more expensive than expected.

Robin was the only person who you pulled aside and confirmed you were pregnant to. She gave you a hug and congratulated you properly, sitting with you in the room you shared with Sanji to get a little more information from you.

You'd told her that yes, this was planned, about two years later than you had originally hoped. You were nine weeks along, and intending to keep it a secret from everyone else until your first trimester was over just to be safe. The doctor you saw had said everything looked good so far, and it gave you immense relief to hear that.

Your plan was to stay on the ship the next day and tell Chopper so he could start to prepare for whatever he'd need to do to help you through your pregnancy and delivery, but you wanted to wait and tell everyone else once you passed the twelve week mark. Robin said she'd absolutely help as well, she even gave you a few books on pregnancy that you and Sanji could read through.

The rest of the day, Nami and Usopp wondered if you or Sanji were going to say anything about your having a baby. Not one word slipped from either of you, and it was starting to frustrate both of them. At dinner you were able to eat, Sanji quickly catching on that fish was making you nauseous, so he ended up making some meat instead which greatly pleased your captain.

"Sanji!! Seconds!" Luffy whined a bit and Sanji told him to hold on while he got a bit more ready, making Luffy lean over on you, "[Y/N]~~~ can I have some of yours??"

"No, Luffy!" Sanji looked over his shoulder and set a small glare on him, "[Y/N] needs her dinner!"

"But she always shares it with me~!"

"She can't right now!"

"Why not???"

"Because she–"

"--I'm starving after being sick yesterday!"

You nodded, eyes slightly wide as you realized Sanji was that close to revealing your pregnancy earlier than planned. He covered his mouth when you shouted over the two, turning back to the stove and cursing at himself.

Almost blew it, holy crap.

"But I want meeeeeaaaaat."

"You can have some vegetables, Luffy."

Luffy made a face and decided it wasn't worth it, he'd wait for more meat to be cooked. Franky was willing to share with him though, which made your captain happy at least. Once you had finished eating, you took your plate to the sink and stopped to give Sanji a hug, he whispered sorry to you, but you just shook your head, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

“No worries, my dear.”

“Yohohoho, you two are so loving even with a baby on the way!”

Everything went silent. Your crewmates all stopped eating, the sound of silverware on plates was quieted as they stopped to stare at you with widened eyes, and both you and Sanji went completely stiff, you started feeling ill.

How the hell did Brook know?! You hadn’t told anyone apart from Robin, and were fairly certain Sanji didn’t tell anyone after you left him alone earlier to start on dinner. Nami had been a little persistent with you, asking you a lot of questions earlier but you didn’t tell her anything, and you didn’t know at the time that Zoro had even questioned Sanji about why he wasn’t smoking as much. Usopp knew Sanji was close to shouting at Luffy that you were pregnant, and now Chopper realized you feeling nauseous last night made more sense. Robin smiled a bit since she already knew, and Franky hadn’t thought to question anything yesterday or today, honestly thinking you were sick and Sanji was just trying to quit smoking. Jimbei had noticed you feeling sick earlier than anyone, but assumed you’d just caught something since you all were constantly out at sea and stopping at various islands, you could have picked up any kind of illness.

Luffy never questioned a thing, but hearing Brook’s statement made him break into a large grin.

“You guys are having a baby?!”

Your nausea was back, and Sanji could see it in how pale your face was becoming as you, back still turned to the table, tried to figure out whether to confirm, deny, or start asking how Brook knew.

“I…” You felt worse while trying to decide what to say, covering your mouth with your hand.

“[Y/N]? Are you–”

“I’m gonna be sick.”

You pulled away from Sanji and ran out of the kitchen with your hand still over your mouth, making several of your crewmates yell for you, while Robin had run after you. Sanji almost ran after you as well, before realizing he needed an answer from a certain musician first. He set a glare on Brook that made him shudder.

“You. Who the hell told you that?!”

Brook continued to shudder while everyone else couldn’t believe the glare Sanji was giving him.

“T-t-the test was still in the bathroom trash this morning! I-i-it was only n-natural for me to assume!”

“Damn it,” Sanji pulled at his bangs, cursing himself for not suggesting you threw that in the kitchen trash or hid it under your bed until you were ready to tell people, and really wishing he could light a cigarette right then, “Fine, all right?! We’re having a baby! She’s nine weeks and we were gonna tell you all once she was past the first trimester, but guess everyone knows now!”

“Sanji–”

“You guys take care of putting the food away and the dishes, I’m going to go comfort my pregnant wife!”

Sanji threw down his apron and ran out of the kitchen after you and Robin, causing Nami to shout for him, but she didn’t follow him.

Everyone that was left, was completely silent, all mulling over the news that you and Sanji were going to be parents soon.

“S-so,” Brook was still a little shaky after seeing how angry Sanji was, “uh, did anyone else know?”

Nami and Usopp raised their hands, heads down. They only found out by mistake, but both felt awful at your precious secret basically being revealed against your will.  Surprising everyone though was Zoro who nodded.

“Wait, how did you know Zoro??”

“He told me earlier.”

“He what?!”

Rolling his eye a bit, Zoro nodded again while taking a drink of his sake. “I mentioned that he hadn’t been smoking and he ended up telling me. I didn’t want all that information dumped on me but he seemed like he was anxious to tell someone. I just happened to be the first person he talked to.”

That made more sense than Sanji just deciding Zoro would be the first person he told. It became quiet again, Luffy was thinking and pressing his index finger to his forehead before he finally said something.

“So…why did Sanji say they were waiting?”

“Well,” Chopper spoke up, a little shell shocked that he was going to have to take care of a pregnant woman on the ship, but a bit excited about it, “A lot of couples wait until after twelve weeks because the chance of miscarriage is higher before then. It’s never really zero, but waiting until after the first trimester is common practice, by then they’re more confident that the baby will make it.”

“Oh, I see!” Luffy started laughing after that, a grin on his face that seemed to start spreading to his crewmates as the information sunk in. “They’re gonna be awesome parents! I bet it’s a boy!”

“Oh no,” Nami shook her head with a small glare, “It’s got to be a girl, we need more girls on this ship!”

“I can make some SUPER toys for them!”

“I’ll make sure the baby and [Y/N] are both healthy!”

“Would playing lullabies for the child make up for this?”

“Imagine if the cook’s kid wants to be a swordsman.”

“I have some great stories of bravery and adventure to tell them!”

“I’m sure they’ll be great no matter what the child is or what they decide to do in the future.”

The other eight members of your crew continued discussing their own ideas of what your child would be like, working to clean up dinner, when Nami stopped and bit her lip.

“What’s wrong, Nami?” Luffy tilted his head at her as she stopped gathering the plates.

“I feel bad that she got sick because of this. We all made [Y/N] so nervous after Brook said they were having a baby. I hope she’s not too upset.”

“Even if she is,” Zoro had started to leave, but stopped to listen to Nami’s concerns, “the cook will take care of it. He’s her husband after all.”

+!+

“Can I get you some water, [Y/N]?”

“Thank you, Robin, but I’m fine at the moment.” You sighed a bit and leaned against your pillows, Robin nodding as she sat beside you on your bed. You’d completely lost your dinner after you ran off, Robin staying with you to keep your hair back and help you get back to your room until Sanji got there.

He almost burst into your shared room a few minutes later, running over and hugging you close.

“Are you all right, mon amour??”

Nodding, you just hugged him back. “I’m okay. I’m…upset, but otherwise just fine.”

"Rightfully so," Sanji nodded, stroking your hair a bit, "We've barely had time to process this and it's already out."

"How did–"

"The test was still in the bathroom trash can."

Hearing that, you realized it was your fault in the end, for not being more careful about how you disposed of the test. Whining a bit you leaned against Sanji again. "I'm an idiot. I didn't even think about someone seeing it there…"

"Hey, you're not an idiot. Anyone else would have done the same thing," Sanji leaned down just enough to kiss your forehead which made Robin smile before she took her leave, knowing he would make things right, "it didn't even cross my mind that we should've put it somewhere else."

"I should've tossed it overboard."

"I don't think any of the fish want something that's been peed on, love."

That made you burst out laughing, so hard you almost felt like you were going to be sick again but you knew you weren't. Seeing you smile and laugh made Sanji smile as well, as he crawled into bed by you and pulled you back into his arms. He was glad to see you smiling and laughing after the disaster that had been dinner. You deserved to be happy about having a baby, not stressed because it got out earlier than you had planned.

Once you calmed down, you laid there and stared at the ceiling for a bit, Sanji still holding you and rubbing your arm to help comfort you as you thought.

"I'm not that mad at Brook for bringing it up."

"I'm pissed at him."

"Sanji."

"It wasn't his secret to tell."

You sighed with a nod, turning to be face to face with your equally as upset husband, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. "I know…but now I don't feel like I have to agonize over how to tell everyone."

"I…suppose that's true…"

Thinking about the reactions you got from your crewmates, you smiled a little.

"Luffy sounded happy."

"He did, didn't he?"

"He probably thinks this means new crewmate, instead of what is essentially his niece or nephew."

Sanji laughed, nodding. "That's exactly what he thinks, I'm sure of it."

The two of you spent what felt like hours just talking about your day, the insanity of it all. Finding out you really were pregnant, that secret getting out during dinner and making your morning/evening sickness come back, and the likely reactions of your crewmates. You talked until you started dozing off, Sanji quieting his voice when he noticed you were falling asleep. Once you were asleep, he stayed at your side a few minutes longer, before deciding he needed a shower and to check the kitchen before bed.

Before he got up and left, Sanji tucked you in a bit, kissing your forehead with his hand resting on your stomach lightly.

"Sleep well. I love you both so much."

+!+

Breakfast the next morning was weirdly quiet. You'd helped Sanji get everything ready, once again despite him telling you to sit down and relax, to rest since you know, you were growing a whole new person in your womb, you needed as much energy as possible. You just ignored him, smiling and setting the table quickly as everyone else started to file in. Brook had found you earlier in the morning and apologized for the night before, which you accepted with a bright smile, telling him everything was fine.

Sanji still was angry but couldn't find it in him to glare at the skeleton anymore. If you were willing to forgive, Sanji would find a way to do that himself.

During breakfast, Luffy stood up with his drink in hand, making everyone look at him while he grinned. He wanted to toast something obviously, and everyone else raised their drinks to his.

"To Sanji and [Y/N]'s baby! Our future crewmate and niece or nephew! Hopefully nephew though!"

Everyone else laughed and shouted cheers, taking a drink, while you were fighting back tears. You hadn't fully expected all of them to be so accepting of the idea of a baby on board, but what else did you expect?

This ragtag group was your family now, your baby would have no shortage of protectors or joy in their life.

Sanji, the ever attentive husband he was, smiled just a bit seeing the happy tears in your eyes. He leaned over with a kiss to your temple, whispering "It's ok to cry if you're happy."

And you did, just a bit. You thanked Luffy, thanked everyone for being so wonderful and accepting of your baby, who hadn't even been born yet. Most of your crew responded in kind, telling you their thoughts of how they could help when the baby was born, offering to decorate a nursery, asking if you want a boy or girl. Everything they could think of that would help you and Sanji to settle into your roles of mom and dad in a few months. They offered to split up your chores among them, something you asked them not to do until later into your pregnancy. You still wanted some semblance of a routine before you gave birth and had to devote all your time to a tiny human.

Eventually, breakfast had its own little squabble as Luffy snatched the last piece of bacon when Usopp and Franky were reaching for it, a small brawl breaking out. It made Sanji yell for them to be careful around you, leading Franky and Usopp to drag Luffy to the deck to continue their little spat.

You laughed, leaning back in your chair and giving Sanji a smile.

"I love our weird family."

"Hmmm, so do I, mon amour."

All would be well, when you had your baby in a few short months. They would be welcomed with a flurry of love and adoration, not just from you and Sanji, but from everyone else as well.

Can't wait to meet you, little angel.

[lilacxquartz]

Those Late Summer Nights I Chapter 15

Satoru Gojo × Fem!Reader × Suguru Geto

ABOUT: You moved to Tokyo over the summer to take a teaching job. As you get settled in, you find yourself entangled in a toxic dynamic.

CHAPTER SUMMARY: Having to work with Satoru on something on campus, he does something he shouldn’t.

Trigger Warning: sexual assault/non-con

A/N: Next week’s chapter will arrive on Friday instead of Wednesday due to irl factors. The posting schedule will resume as normal after. :)

< Previous Chapter • Next Chapter >

15. Surrender

The training with Suguru was set to resume a couple of days later, just as he had promised for lesson number two. The letters from jujutsu tech also started arriving at Shoko’s doorstep, relieving you that you didn’t have to go back and forth to campus anymore to check if there had been any new mail. Took the system long enough to update, you thought.

You read the letter on your way to meet with Suguru for the next lesson, unsure why you were even entertaining continuing to meet with him at your own will. Maybe it was confusion, or something similar? You didn’t quite understand a single thing that was going on in your head right now and needed some familiarity even if it hurt you.

(Again and again.)

Through the letter, you discovered that you needed to be at the campus to finalise some arrangements with Satoru, who you would be sharing some students with as a finalised decision after all.

Suguru caught up to you quickly as you walked, filling out the empty space beside you with his company, snatching the letter right out of your hands all the while you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. You didn’t have privacy around him anymore, it seemed, but it was strangely comforting in a way you didn’t want to understand, wanting to grab onto whatever positive fragment your life teased you with, urging you to hold onto any sort of comfort with all of your remaining will.

You glanced upwards while he read the letter before giving it back to you, something about his demeanour suddenly seeming troubled.

“You’re working alongside Satoru?” he frowned slightly, albeit subtly. Suguru was good at concealing his emotions if he had to, but his eyes always gave him away.

You nodded, folding the paper back into your pocket, “Yeah, um, seems it…”

“In that case,” he hummed, pulling you just a little closer to his side as he walked, “let’s train just a little harder today.”

Usually, you would have thought nothing of it. You already knew that you had to know how to conduct yourself in front of the students and that much was ingrained in your mind already. However, it was the hint of worry that crept through his words that left you feeling a bit hesitant, the tone throwing you off just a little.

The truth was complex and Suguru already knew how badly you were adjusting to him, so he kept the truth hidden for now. Even if it was a risk to do so. Satoru however, surely wouldn’t be risky enough to do anything on campus.

…Would he?

The possibility haunted the back of Suguru’s mind as he reluctantly let go of you, interlocking his fingers along your hand instead. He didn’t trust his friend for this one isolated matter, which was messing him up as well. Rather than leave you alone entirely like last time though, he was going to collect you from the campus instead.

“What time did it say you’d have to be in for?” he asked, trying to feign simple interest in the job instead.

“Um, sometime around two in the afternoon…?” you replied, “It said it would be until four specifically.”

He nodded, making a mental note of it in his mind. He saw that it had to be for Monday, so that’s when he’d show up and pick you up directly, not risking a single repeat of what happened the last time.

“And why do we have to train harder…?” you warily asked, still feeling somewhat sore from before.

Reeling you in a bit closer, he tried to ease your worries, “He’s just a bit too much sometimes and enjoys showing off, I’d want you to keep up, you know?”

“I suppose…” you shrugged, seeming to buy into his response to his relief, although the way he delivered his assurance only seemed to agitate you further. If he was in this deep with you, then why did he continue to withhold things from you? Especially since he didn’t like it when you did the very same.

How frustrating…!

Suguru continued to walk with you, still choosing to conceal his concerns. Something else stirred as he plotted for you to not even start the job at all, but he couldn’t quite justify it just yet. He needed a reason to pull you away from it all, to make it seem justifiable to the both of you rather than just doing so without a cause in mind.

“So yeah, let’s just focus on making today count,” he mumbled, making his way into his car with you, ensuring you were all buckled up before getting ready to go.

For now he settled on a different, less extreme plan, deciding to move you into his place instead permanently later on.

Shoko would be fine, she wouldn’t suspect a thing, surely.

(She would.)

You didn’t say anything but you did let it go, entering the studio along with him after the ride and getting started with him as he prepared himself to teach you how to actually fight now.

And he was going to ensure that this lesson counted, because if he didn’t, then it would be you who suffered more in the end and that was something that he was trying to avoid repeating ever again.

(Not knowing what his friend had in mind at all.)

~~~

Come Monday, the day to go to the campus had finally arrived. Per Suguru’s request, you let him know when you went and promised to shoot him another text when you were done, although he kept an eye on the time anyway.

The atmosphere on campus also seemed to be much more livelier than before as the stillness from summer finally started to move forward again. Students were beginning to move into the accommodation and other staff seemed to be returning to the grounds.

It was still a little unbearably hot though, especially in the late summer heat. Your body felt sore as a result from Suguru’s relentless training and the humidity surely made it all a little worse. Various insects chirping and buzzing alike could be heard in the background, especially where the water flowed.

Satoru could be found in the classroom portion of the campus. The letter told you where to go on that note and you luckily knew where to head exactly because you forced yourself to memorise the floor plan in its entirety while you still resided on the grounds.

His head craned up when he saw you enter the room, seeming happy to meet, “Hey [name], looks like we’re working together after all, huh?”

You smiled and nodded as you entered, however noticing something strangely off about his demeanour but you couldn’t place your finger on it.

“Yeah, seems it,” you replied either way, brushing your hair behind your ear to keep the heat from overwhelming you.

He hummed as you spoke, handing you a timetable with an allocated student that you would both be overseeing. Your eyes scrolled over the paper, seeing a whole lot of scheduling but not a single name.

Pursing your lips together, you tilted your head off to the side in confusion, “Who’s the lucky student? It doesn’t say.”

“Oh, doesn’t it?” Satoru smiled, seeming a little playful. “You might find the details in the supply closet. Should be inside a folder somewhere with this year labelling it, yellow tabbed shelf if so.”

You stood still for a moment as he instructed indirectly what you should be doing, some alarm bells going off in your head as you drifted past him to approach the supply closet. The windows were cracked ajar and the hot air pushed inside, wafting a familiar smell past your senses—a cologne of some sort? It smelled a little like…?

(Your mind made the connection immediately, but you refused to believe it. It couldn’t have been... It couldn’t.)

Stepping inside the closet, you felt immediately trapped somehow, your suspicions turning into confirmations as you felt the small space becoming stuffier. Swinging right around, you saw Satoru standing right before you; his figure blocking the doorway, his once calm eyes that offered still waters were now a raging blue storm, catching you in the middle of it.

“Satoru…?” you asked, watching warily as the warmth from his face faded entirely.

You remembered how Suguru seemed to act after hanging out with Satoru for the evening just a while ago. His hostility didn’t quite add up to you back then, but you were starting to understand something slowly but surely.

“Hey, [name]?” Satoru asked you, his tone of voice ice cold.

“Yeah?” you replied, half torn away deep in thought.

“So, I’ve been thinking…” he trailed off, or at least that’s how it all sounded to you. Something was connecting in your head, like puzzle pieces falling into place. Your brows involuntarily knitted even if you maintained a smile while he spoke, feeling an air of danger grow thick between the two of you.

You nodded on and off and answered him on autopilot, feinging some semblance of what could have been a normal conversation although you zoned out as he spoke. His words became a droning sound the longer that the smell of his cologne sat in your senses and how the memory of Suguru joking to train extra hard now replayed in your mind.

It could have meant nothing, but the intensity on his face when he parted that suggestion didn’t leave your head. His tone just days before was almost pleading and that threw you off now that you were catching up to all of it.

Satoru continued to explained to you how he was going to do most of the talking as if to brag, because he wants to be the fun teacher of the duo. He did say that everything should have a healthy balance though, so you could be the reliable sensible teacher to keep the students in line.

“Don’t you think so?” he would say as he closed in, walking you into the wall.

“What?” you asked as you tried to relax. “Oh, yeah. You can show off.”

Satoru hummed in amusement, “I’m glad we can agree, but you really should have listened more.”

“I have been listening-“ you defended yourself in protest only to be cut off with the truth.

“—no, at least not after a while,” Satoru corrected you, “once I could tell you were distracted, I started reciting nonsense to see if you’d pick up but you ever did,” he concluded with a slight laugh.

“Oh sorry, I thought I was listening,” you tried to defend. You knew that you seemed off too, but you also didn’t quite feel safe in the dynamic he was playing you into. Unlike with Suguru who seemed to be at least somewhat into you genuinely and out of a form of twisted care (or at least that’s what you kept telling yourself to sleep better at night, that he was just misunderstood in his way of expressing his feelings, even though both you and him knew fully well that your relationship was built on something much darker than that.)

“You’re a bit of a mess lately, aren’t you?” he continued to ask, caging you in with his arms.

“Oh…?” you replied, trying to ground yourself together again, “I suppose it’s just nerves?”

He didn’t reply for a moment as he took in the sight of you. In his mind, you were a perfect disaster right now and likely didn’t notice a single thing with how he was approaching you, how he was subtly coaxing you while you were distracted with different thoughts.

Satoru indeed thought that this was the fault of nerves (rather than it being a revelation on your end) and that made it a perfect time to ease into you, to take you away from your own imploding mind and dare he say it, perhaps even share what Suguru kept hidden perfectly well for a while.

And as your very state of being crumbled in front of him, you found yourself barely being able to hold yourself together, not noticing just what exactly you got yourself into and how.

You went into the supply closet to get a folder, right? So why were you backed up against the shelves while breathing in his scent that smelled so much like the… person who…

(Your mind refused to make the connection. This wouldn’t be happening to you a second time, would it? By someone you thought you could trust. Again? There was simply no way. It was a coincidence. It had to be, but the way he trapped you and the way he didn’t seem to let you go was already telling enough.)

“You know, you’re very easy to get along with,” he spoke up after a while, completely catching you off guard with his observation.

“I am…?” you replied as you were broken away from a troubling realisation, not sure what to make of that statement. Was that a compliment? Or did he simply just mean to imply that you were very agreeable?

“Very much so,” he said flatly, not offering you a further explanation.

You tried to move past him but he wouldn’t budge, pushing you back into the closet to keep you right where you were.

“W-What are you doing?” you asked, not wanting to deal with him being this obnoxious. However, something told you that it was much worse than that.

(It was happening again. It was happening again. It was happening again.)

“You know, I don’t usually have to go this far, but,” he said as he spoke up after a moment of excruciating silence, “there’s something I don’t quite get.”

You blinked at him, doing your best to understand, “What?”

“You’re not into me at all, are you?” he asked.

“Are you really asking me that?” you frowned.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” he shrugged, the playfulness still absent from his voice. “So, what is it? Is there someone else already?”

“Well…” you tried to forge a suitable reply but your words were lodged in your throat again; there absolutely was someone else.

“Is there?” Satoru repeated himself.

“Does it really matter?” you asked.

“I guess not,” he replied, forming a faint smile as something dark stirred within him, “I can’t force you to like me, that’s not on you.”

“So, can you move aside…?” you asked.

“It’s just… I feel like you owe me, at least just a little bit,” he said instead as he leaned further in, pressing his body up against yours, “at least after how I’ve helped you as your good friend, you know?”

“I thought friends do things for each other because that’s just the nice thing to do?” you asked, hoping that he really wasn’t holding what he did for you against you.

“I mean,” he replied as he mulled over your response, “you’re right, but it wasn’t something insignificant, was it? I helped you out a lot and friends are allowed to owe friends favours.”

You stared at him.

“Wouldn’t you agree?” He asked as he stepped back just a little, just enough to allow you to breathe again.

“I-maybe?” You considered despite not liking at all where he was going.

He suddenly laughed a little as he eyed you up and down despite the anger playing in his eyes not matching his grin. He knew that he was scaring you and that he wasn’t acting fair, he didn’t usually act this way either but… he also felt played to an extent and regardless of everything else, he was still human (and humans thrived off of irrationality, especially when facing things they didn’t understand).

“Of course, I’m also just messing with you,” he assured, the back of his hand brushing against your face.

“I-If that’s the case, then I’ll just b-be going-“

“—hold up, I didn’t actually say that you could leave yet, now did I?” he said as he didn’t budge yet again. “Just humour me for a sec, [name].”

You sighed but tried to stall it off, despite knowing where this was headed somehow, “Huh?”

(It was the same sort of conversation. The same sort of entitlement. You could feel it. It was the worst type of deja vu.)

“Just… tell me. Why have you been giving me absolutely nothing?” Satoru asked.

“No attention?” you quizzed back, furrowing your brows in utter confusion.

“Well, anything really,” Satoru replied, his smile fading again despite adopting a playful tone, “who’s the loser that’s got you on a leash?”

You kept quiet as you withheld your answer.

“Do I know them?” he pressed.

You looked at the ground and gently nodded your head, your suppressed body language giving it away that it must be someone close to him.

In the back of Satoru’s mind, he already knew from the moment he saw you in Suguru’s room, but he was hoping that it was actually because you didn’t want to be around anyone else. This meant that his friend had also lied to him.

“Don’t tell me,” he said as he raised his voice a little, his tone ripe with mockery and taunt, “you’re both serious, aren’t you?”

“I-I, uh, yeah-“ you nodded, recognising that it was only because he got to you first, because you didn't want it to be over for some twisted reason, because then that would have meant you got used and that possibility ate away at you constantly, keeping you up at night as Suguru held onto you like his life depended on it.

It was that sliver of uncertainty that settled in your mind, again and again.

“—well that’s just incredible, I got the short end of the stick for once, didn’t I?” he laughed a little as he realised it, acknowledging the idea that if Suguru didn’t want to share, that it was actually serious between you two. For some reason, that hurt more than it being just a casual thing.

He suddenly seemed very calm as he relaxed, “Have you two..?”

You nodded again, not daring to reply. In your defence, you didn’t exactly have a say.

“And all I got was a shitty kiss?” he laughed again, finding the comedy in this whole situation.

“S-sorry?” you replied, unsure how to proceed. Why were you apologising? You didn’t owe him anything, you knew that fully well.

“Hey, hey now, don’t worry, I’m just being dumb aren’t I?” he said, his body language relaxing even further as he settled on something, he already knew that he could get away with it.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” you asked, unsure how to deal with him right now.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Satoru smiled, leaning closer, “but,” his voice lowered, “we’re going to be working closely now, aren’t we?”

“I-I could transfer-“ you stammered.

He cut you off, his words sounding sharp. “—I could make it so that nowhere else hires you, actually. You should know by now how influential families work, right?”

You didn’t reply, the words stinging a bit too much. He didn’t know the full story but he knew enough to understand that his words cut you a bit deeper with that remark and although some guilt formed in his mind for using that line, he didn’t apologise when he saw the hurt forming in your eyes.

“So,” Satoru spoke up again, continuing with what he wanted to say initially, “what if I asked you to break up with Suguru. Would you?”

“H-huh?” you asked, even if you wanted to at this point, you were pretty certain that he wouldn’t let you.

“What if I wanted you instead?” he asked you, leaning in closer as he continued, “would you break up with him for me?”

“N-no?” you answered him.

“Ah, a shame, but… I don’t like it that it’s only Suguru who gets to have all the fun,” he considered, “you can handle me as well, can’t you?”

“N-no, I’m not like th-that,” you shook your head in response.

“I know you’re not,” Satoru replied, laughing to himself as he seemed awfully relaxed for this intense situation he had you locked into, “but what if I didn’t care about that? What if… I just took what I what I wanted from you anyway?”

“Y-you wouldn’t-“

Interrupting you again, he moved dangerously close, “—who would believe you?”

Your body reacted slightly, attempting to push him away. Some things from the training sessions stuck, like how to keep people off while they presented an opening, but it was only a couple of lessons at most and you were up against someone who had likely been training from the very moment they could walk.

“Oh? So he’s taught you a few tricks, huh?” he laughed, holding you back with a hint of amusement laced his tone, “I don’t have to tell you that it won’t be enough, right?”

As you struggled to reply, Satoru continued to hold you in place with one hand while the other hand unzipped his trousers.

He pushed you down at the shoulders, forcing your knees to bend as you quickly caught on to what exactly he was about to do.

Before you could say anything in retaliation, he cut you off before you could say a single thing.

“Just remember, [name],” he said as he held you below him, “you’re mine too”

“N-no?” you replied, trying to push him away from you but the door behind him was now both closed and locked from the look of it. When did he have time to lock it? Let alone close it—and why was he looking at you like that?

(You knew why, though. You fucking knew why.)

“I’m gonna have you, [name], at least like this,” Satoru purred, his eyes boring yours, “at least for now. You’re going to be mine in one way or another.”

“W-what if someone sees or hears something…?” you asked as you tried to talk him out of it.

“They’ve all gone out to after work drinks, I made sure they all know and usually I’m a late arrival,” he smiled, “besides, students can’t access this building either over the summer.”

Satoru then pulled you towards him as he fumbled with his trousers while your mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening to you. This approach felt humiliating as he loomed over you, keeping you perfectly locked into a kneeling position and so forcefully compliant. Of course he would prefer if you were at least the slightest bit willing, just as he had fantasised but you weren’t… so he adapted.

“Open up, [name],” he purred as he attempted to coax you in without too much force. He felt himself harden quickly, the blood rush feeling almost dizzying, prompting him to think more with his other head than anything else, “It’ll be over sooner if you just cooperate~”

Continuing to protest however, you pushed away from him a second time all the while he simply repeated himself, proving it to painfully pointless to continue fighting against his demand. Satoru’s fingers held onto your shoulders painfully, as though clamping you into place, his own irrationality threatening to escalate unless you surrendered to his own frenzied craving.

Arrogance dripped from his expression as he looked down at you with straight entitlement leaking from his gaze; he felt owed this, especially after for being on good behaviour for so long. Suguru all the while got to you while being pushy—forward, disrespectful and maybe even worse and yet, you didn’t seem to protest too much when around him.

That much stung for Satoru, to see you not even pretend to not be okay. You were fine. Almost accepting of it.

(Not knowing that you were the silently imploding type, but how could he, when you were both so different? While he openly complained through his troubles while you took them in pained suppression, despite you perfectly demonstrating this at his side in late June. He wanted to believe that he pushed a breakthrough for you, to leave a troubling world behind, to forget about the past and move forward, even platonically, but something about his friend having you and not him stirred at something ugly and he hated the taste.)

The pain continued to build while you finally gave in, unlocking your jaw and reluctantly opening your mouth. He didn’t wait around as he brushed the tip of his hardened length against the edge of your lips, the regret and irrationality melting away as he savoured the sight, the ugly taste of envy boiling off into something that tasted sweeter as lust finally settled into the brew.

You struggled initially as you took him in, your mind trying to block out the taste of him and the experience overall as you willed for it to be over sooner than never, not quite daring to scroll your sights up to meet with his hungry eyes. You shuddered almost, as you felt him lean into you; your tongue enveloping him slowly but surely.

Initially, you tried to pull away again as though by instinct. You didn’t think much about such a movement, but he slapped the side of your cheek ever so gently to keep you compliant and paying attention.

“Bad girl, keep giving me attention,” he whispered, pulling you closer to him; his fingers clasping around the base of your skull.

Not protesting a second time, he held onto you as he slid you back and forth against his shaft, feeling the all too incredible sensation of something forbidden, it somehow tasting even sweeter as he got into it. You struggled to take him properly as your lacking experience came into light, feeling unsure of what to even do but this didn’t seem to deter him.

As though to signify you to not worry, he pushed you gradually deeper as he rolled his his hips in a steady motion back and forth; his tip just about managing to reach your throat but your gag reflex worked against you, so he didn’t push you too far—just enough to get the job done.

“Shame you can’t keep up,” he hissed, seething his frustration into the air, “what has he been doing with you otherwise?”

You ignored the comment although it wasn’t like you could protest anyway, feeling him continue to use your mouth while his rhythm slowly but surely picked up. He couldn’t get enough of you struggling to take him, but at the same time, something bitter left behind a sour taste in his mouth again when he noticed tears spill from your eyes, deciding to let you breathe, if only just for a second.

Slapping the side of your face again with his palm, he played it off as annoyance, not concern, “Keep up with me.”

Pushing through it all again, he rocked his hips against your head while staring straight ahead this time; focusing more on the sensation than anything else. He rutted his hips as his release gradually built up, surrendering to something darker than the initial lust that fuelled him—guttural moans escaping his mouth as he let go of being careful for a moment, forcing himself to forget that it was you, that it was just one good feeling, that you weren’t crying—that you weren’t in the process of growing to dislike him.

(Something he truly feared above everything else was those he liked to think badly of him, an insecurity he kept safely hidden. He was the strongest and enjoyed a good ego boost, but what did that matter when the people he cared about didn’t think the same?)

He faltered as this revelation hit, despite being close to his end but strove forward to see it through, regardless. The guilt was already there from the start, so he just had to push through it once more.

“I’m close,” he warned as he leaned forward, one arm prepped against the shelves for stability while the other pushed at your head, demanding release.

Satoru held onto you as the sensations intensified, his movements beginning to get erratic as his breathing shuddered against his lips. He slammed his hips against your face, eyes fluttering as they rolled back, shooting hot white ropes of cum into your mouth and sealing himself forward to not even dare make a mess.

“Swallow for me,” he demanded, refusing to leave behind a trail of evidence while his thoughts now spiralled. He could feel you struggle to accept his load in that way, knowing it was likely not the safest to empty himself like that without giving you as much as a breather, but it was already done.

You reluctantly did so, feeling it travel down your throat. A sickening sensation.

Studying your face as he finally pulled out from you, tucking away his now spent cock back into his trousers, he didn’t quite understand how to proceed with the consequences.

“Don’t tell anyone about this,” he warned, “it’ll be our little secret, right?”

With a strained demeanour, you nodded, knowing fully well that this couldn’t remain hidden for very long because Suguru could read you strangely well and such a prospect troubled you, given how he reacted the last time when you told him the truth.

As Satoru left in what seemed to be a hurry, he left the doors to everywhere else unlocked for your eventual departure. He wasn’t about to face you again so soon, the guilt of the aftermath already taking its toll. He couldn’t help but wonder if Suguru had a similar reaction after; the feeling of something almost nauseating that almost violently haunted him after.

You too, felt something horrible stir within you as you remained slumped against the shelves with your eyes blurring on and off from the tears that kept gathering and spilling again and again. A burning sensation after a while, as though to remind you that you were indeed in hell.

It wasn’t quite anger, nor shame, nor sadness. It wasn’t guilt, nor disgust, nor even disappointment.

No, it was a combination of everything.

And in a moment of realisation, it all started to make sense at last—in fact, you understood it all so perfectly well now.

You were starting to hate yourself.

[defbotboy]

Something Like Love

“Hiya there, pretty boy.”

Megumi scowled, “You’re late.”

You felt your lips spilt into a grin, he was pretty when he scowled too, you couldn’t help it.

“Aww. Did you miss me? Were you eagerly waiting for a chance meeting with your beloved?” you teased.

“It's not a chance meeting if we agreed to meet at a specific time only for you to waltz in half an hour late. That's just you being irresponsible, “ he shot back. But you didn’t miss that he didn’t say anything about the ‘beloved’ part. You also didn’t miss that under his tousled messy hair the tips of his ears were faintly blushed.

“Cute”, you thought to yourself.

“I’m sorry to have kept milord waiting but it’s not easy to gather information on the location of forbidden cursed tools.”

Three days ago, Megumi had called you asking for the information on them. You were surprised on two accounts. It was the first time he had sent you a message longer than four words. It was also a bit of a shock to you as Megumi, while not a stickler for rules exactly, was asking for information on a potentially dangerously illegal task to you.

Then again, the Jujustu Technical school kids had no one else to get such information from other than you. The higher ups won’t just let them get access to such information despite leaving Special Grade Cursed items in Stevenson screens. It was ridiculous to you.

“Do you have a fight today?”

Oh, this was new. Megumi never asks you questions about this part of your life. He despised that you took part in the illegal fighting rings for Jujustu sorcerers. It was the only way you could make a living though, you’d rather die than join the school.

“My my. You know what this is, Megumi? This is a personal question. This indicates that you have taken an interest in my personal life. What’s next? Are you going to ask me out on a date?”

“And if I do?’

Huh. It was your turn to turn flushed in the face. You’ve flirted so excessively with your crush as if to make up for his taciturn nature. Never in a billion years did you think you’d end up here.

“What?” you asked, lamely.

A smile tugged at the corners of Megumi’s lips, Not so chatty now are you, he thought.

“A date. It's where people romantically interested in each other go some place together and eat and stuff. Now that I've said food is involved you’re surely not going to say no arent you?”

Your appetite was undeniably legendary. And you were living on cup noodles, so any chance you got with free food was a battle to witness as you demolished plate after plate. But this wasn’t just any idiot asking you out.

It was Megumi. Megumi Fushiguro, the boy you’ve been (not so secretly) pining after ever since he beat your ass in a fight at the underground rings. He, along with Yuuji and Nobara had stumbled on the rings while investigating a case. The boss had promised them some information on a cursed spirit if they made the day’s show legendary. That’s how you had ended up pitted against Megumi. It was a long battle. You were the ring’s top contender until he came in. The fight was won by a hair breadth. You could both barely stand up after it.

And then covered in blood and panting like his life’s last breath was being taken each time, Megumi had never looked as beautiful. You couldn’t stop thinking about him.

So you wormed your way into being their informant. You flirted every chance you got. When Megumi offered up his number for, “Easier information exchange, I don’t want to hang around your stupid fighting rings every time I want something from you.”

But he had. Every rare holiday that the school offered him, he spent hanging around the rings watching you fight. The days you caught him hanging around he pretended to have been waiting to see you for information. Then after completing whatever task he had thought up at the last minute together, you both would have dinner.

He adored seeing you eat. You ate with such relish of the food. Your mouth stuffed and your eyes eagerly scanning for what you should take a bite of next. It was a secondary sight to seeing you in battle though.

Each kick, and punch delivered with absolute surety. Your cursed technique might have been dull, but you wasted no amount of cursed energy. Every move was calculated to utter precision and you moved with the grace of a dancer, and attacked with the strength of a seasoned warrior.

Megumi knew he sounded cocky as he asked you out, but his heart was hammering inside his ribs.

“So?” He asked. “Do you want to go on a date with me, Y/N?”

“Why?” you asked, all of a sudden not too sure about anything. Your insecurities coming at you in a rush before your insides which were screaming at you to shut up and just say yes.

But Megumi was prepared. He knew you from months on watching you move. You might fight fiercely and flirt shamelessly but he’s also seen you after fights lost, drowning in self-doubt and he knows how hard you find it to trust those on your side. It's not easy being raised to destroy and finding yourself in a moment like this that promises something more. Something like love.

So, he had known when he came today that you would ask him this question.

Megumi stepped froward and extended his hand. He softly brushed away the stray hair that fell on your face. From up this close, he could smell the familiar scent of soap on you, your sweet breaths coming out slow and heavy from how close you both were. He tipped your head towards his face.

Your heart was in your throat now. Ready to jump. He was so close. You could see his long. wispy eyelashes touching his cheeks in full detail. He was so fucking pretty.

“Why?” he repeated.

You nodded slowly, “Why?” you repeated.

“Why, because I like you. Because if you flirt with me once more and I’m not able to do anything about it then my heart might just explode.”

You felt your lips perk up into a smile. “What do you want to do about it?”

Unable to hide his smile anymore, he let it break out in its full glory. It was blinding to see. How could anyone smile like that, you wondered.

“This,” he said in response to your final teasing. He leaned in and pressed his lips to yours, he tasted like peppermints and the promise of something more. Something like love.

[or0ch1maru]

akatsukis kinks and turn offs?

18+, full blown smut, kinks, and more smut

•

Omg omg omg, I had wayyyy too much fun writing these. Also! If anyone wants a one shot of a specific character with the kinks I’ve listed, pleaseeeeee let me know and I’d be more than happy to write it, especially for Tobi, Hidan, or Zetsu🫶🏻

I feel like Hidan has done everything at least once, and if there’s something he hasn’t done, he’s more than willing to try. This man is KINKY. I imagine his favorites are period play(or anything involving blood), s&m, fucking outside with the thrill of getting caught, knife play, and threesomes. I believe his turn off’s would be the “I don’t use safe words” thing. Hidan is intense when it comes to sex, and he won’t do it with just anybody either. He must have a safe word for his sessions and if you refuse to use one, just know you won’t be getting in his pants.

Kakuzu is similar to Hidan, has done everything at least once and isn’t close minded about trying new things. I know for a fact his tendrils would definitely come into play, whether it’s him tying you up, or toying with your clit. He’s definitely partnered up with Hidan for three ways, and just like him, also requires a safe word. I imagine Kakuzu enjoying a daddy kink as well, would lose his composure the second the word slips from your lips four orgasms in. Big into brat taming, but when it comes to turn off’s, just like with Hidan, if you have the no safe word mindset, he won’t be down.

I’ve mentioned this before but I truly believe Konan is into Shibari. Has a whole collection of ropes, of all different colors too. Mostly pastels; pinks, blue’s, and purple’s. I see her as being a passionate lover, with intense sessions time to time. Loves bringing toys into the bedroom, and her favorite to use on you would be her Hitachi. I can imagine Konan being into impact play as well, using only her hand or her paddle, likes seeing little pink marks on your ass or thighs. Would primarily be the top with you and unless she has stated it otherwise, WILL NOT be down to be topped. She needs absolute trust in her partner before allowing them access to her that way. If you try to top her during sex, it’ll turn her off.

Sessions with Pain can last relatively long, only because he loves to draw it out. Mixing pleasure with pain, but it’s never done to hurt you, wants you to experience pleasure in all aspects. I believe he’s into piercing play, also known as recreational acupuncture, or needle play. Aftercare is a very important thing to Pain, especially with the minor wounds that were inflicted during your session. I think his only turn off would be if you thought aftercare was stupid or unnecessary. Especially the times when he requires aftercare too.

Our sweet explosive loving babe. I feel like Deidara hasn’t experimented much with kinks, and the few he has tried, he wasn’t crazy about. How some people are into riding their partners fingers, you’d be riding his hand. Could cum just from watching you ride the appendage that sits between the lips on his palm. As stated in the show, Deidara isn’t into s&m. I feel like he tried it once but the thought of inflicting pain on his partner was too much for him and visa versa. Even though he loves bombs and explosions, I feel like he’s more of a gentle partner.

I can see Sasori absolutely loving when his partner sits on his face. Is the type to get upset if you don’t sit your entire body weight down on him, would grab hold of your thighs, pulling you down onto him and holding you there. Loves looking up and seeing your eyes rolled back, tears streaming down your face as you continuously cum on his tongue. Bonus points if you end up squirting. Apart from that, I can imagine him using his chakra threads on you, whether it’s holding you still when you start to squirm, or when you start faltering when riding his cock, his threads would help keep you balanced. I don’t think he’s be into food play. Since Sasori doesn’t need to eat like others do, he sees no use for it, in or outside of the bedroom.

Breeding kink, I repeat, BREEDING KINK. With Uchiha’s, they form deep bonds, and love the hardest. So naturally, that would be reflected during sex. Itachi loves filling you up, and then watching as you go about your business throughout the compound full of him. I think he also enjoys when you ride his thighs. If he’s busy working on something at his desk, best believe one hand will be holding your lower back, helping you keep your rhythm. I personally think Itachi’s turn off would be Dacryphilia. Only because he doesn’t like seeing you cry. He strives for his partner’s happiness.

Just like Hidan, I feel like Kisa enjoys period sex. Has a container under his bed full of towels specifically for that time of the month. Apart from that, I imagine he likes choking, Dacryphilia, and rough sex in general. Loves seeing the scratches you leave on his back or the bite marks left on him. When he has you in doggy or bent over any hard surface, best believe his large hand will have a fistful of your hair. Now for turn offs, I don’t think he’d do anything risky where he could get caught. Just like a lot of his comrades, he’s protective over his partner and doesn’t want anyone seeing what’s his. Especially in such a vulnerable state.

Now, you can get either Tobi, or Obito, it truly depends on his mood, or situation. Our sweet gentle Tobi loves seeing his partner in cute little outfits, especially a maid outfit. I see Tobi as more of a sub honestly and if he acts out, and you want to punish him for it, his all time favorite is edging. If you happen to act like a brat, just know Obito won’t hesitate to grip you by the hair and walk you back to your shared room. Rough sex, double penetration, and surprisingly exhibitionism. As long as others don’t see his face/scarring, he will fuck you senseless in front of others/doesn’t care if someone walks in during. Will even hold a conversation with said person while he fucks you. Even when alone, loves fingering you with his gloves on. Tobi wouldn’t want to see you cry, just like Itachi, he doesn’t like seeing his partner upset. With Obito, I don’t think he’d like sensory deprivation. Doesn’t enjoy having any of his senses taken away, wants to be able to hear, and see every reaction he pulls from you.

Just like Tobi, you can get either Black or white Zetsu. All depends on their mood & said situation. White Zetsu loves nothing more than praising you, especially when his cock is buried deep in your throat, with tears threatening to fall, black Zetsu is all for degrading you. Will mush your face into a wall, a desk, the mattress, and take you from behind, whispering dirty words as you take him fully. I also fully believe Zetsu is into having sex outside, and orgasm control/denial. Enjoys hearing you beg to cum, bucking your hips into him or the toy just to get yourself off when you can’t take it. As well as quickie’s. Won’t hesitate to pull you into a bathroom and fuck you silly before walking about like he didn’t do anything. I think his only turn off would be being bitten. For some reason I imagine Zetsu being really sensitive and doesn’t like the blunt pain one can inflict by digging their teeth into him.

•

[inciting-chaos-series]

j can you please make a corpse x reader where they are both publicly dating and as all internet couples do, get a fair amount of hate. but one day a specific comment gets under the readers skin so they distance themselves from corpse (lots of angst but with a good ending ?)

I'm sorry this took forever, I couldn't get my meds and went a lil crazy agh, also idk if this is any good tbh I feel bad at writing lately. Hopefully you like it though oof.

-J The Ghost

死 Requests Masterpost 死 Request Topics 死 Submit A Request 死

➢ Author: J The Ghost ➢ Pairings:  Corpse X reader | Corpse X y/n ➢ WC: ~4k ➢ Themes:  Hurt/Comfort? | Angst | Fluff | Happy Endings ➢ Warnings: Depression | Anxiety | Death Threats | Spiraling | Intrusive Thoughts | Cyberbullying? ➢ Summary: You and Corpse are publicly dating, you knew you'd get some hate, but you didn't actually think it would get to you like this...

Request: Hate Mail

You woke up from your nap to the sounds of several voices coming from the other room. He must be streaming… You thought groggily as you stretched and snuggled back into the covers enveloped in the scent of his cologne.  You pulled out your phone and checked the time, almost four… Jesus, he really had made good on his word, you didn’t even realize you could be that exhausted. As you scrolled through your socials you saw the notifications of most of his friends live streams. Sussy Sundays, of course, how did you forget? He really had taken it out of you earlier. 

You were grateful to have weekends off, allowing you to see him more than just any days you managed to get off work at a decent time, but you hated Sundays. You both took turns staying over at each other's houses and coming up with fun things to do together, but since he’d agreed to be a part of the Sussy Sundays, you had to find a way to entertain yourself. When he would stay at your house, it was easy to find things to do- dishes, laundry, and tidying up always needed done- but at his place, he mostly ordered takeout, and didn't really have enough stuff to ever accumulate messes, much less any laundry, so you were left to figure something else out. 

A few times he’d asked you to join in on games, or hangout and watch him, but if the viewers got wind that you were with him- everyone's chat would latch on and start blowing up about it. You hated the fact that you’d turn viewers' attention away from the streamers they were watching, which led to you feeling guilty for making even the slightest sounds despite both him and his ever supportive friends trying to actively involve you. 

Ever since the two of you had gone public, the internet had gone wild. In the beginning fans were pretty supportive and kind, but once Corpse started to post about you more and more, they quickly turned on you. It felt like the majority now was vehemently against the idea of your relationship. You knew that once it was public, you would get a lot of hate, but some of the comments were so hyper specific and vile- you couldn't help but be hurt. You always did your best to not read through them, or let him see when ones you did see affect you. You knew it was mostly young fans that were crushing on him and envious of you, but it all still seemed to leave you feeling drained, and anxious, an empty feeling of doom settling in with each critique. What if he saw merit in some of them? Sure most were shallow insults, but some seemed so spot on to you. 

Who even are they? They're nobody, why is he with them??

He probably felt bad- he’s just too nice…

He can do soo much better…

You weren't usually an insecure person, but it was hard to stay positive when you did kind of agree. You worked a normal job, lived an average life, and you weren't really into the world of streaming, even as a viewer. It was- at the least- confusing to understand why he would be with you over someone with a similar lifestyle, or had more in common with him. 

Tik Tok was your savior while he finished up with his friends. The algorithm only showed you the mind-numbing content you wanted to see, nothing about him or streaming at all. It was around 7:30 and you were halfway through a dinner recipe video when he finally entered his room again. 

“Have a good nap?” He smirked tiredly as he plopped down on the bed beside you. 

“So good…” You chuckled, saving the video before tossing your phone aside to snuggle up to him “How was the stream?” 

“It was fun. Everyone said to tell you hi…” He wrapped his arm around you and absently traced his fingers along your arm.

“Tell them I say hi too.” You smiled as you buried your face into his hoodie. “Your friends are so nice…” 

“Mhm… they really like you.” He chuckled. “Are you hungry yet? I'm starving…” You nodded and paused, still groggy from lying in bed. 

“Can we get pasta? I’m craving it so bad…” Your voice perked up at the thought of the recipe video.

“Of course,” he laughed at your enthused voice, “you better start getting ready though…”

“Were going out?” You looked up at him in confusion, it was rare he ever wanted to go out, especially so spontaneously. 

“Yeah why not? I mean… as long as you’re up for it?” 

“Y-Yeah, just surprised that you are…” You beamed up at him before mustering the energy to get up and get ready. You pulled your hair aside and headed to the bathroom to wash your face, peeking slightly in the mirror's reflection and catching glimpses of him changing from the bedroom. The cheeky blush across your face turned quickly to a hot embarrassment as you watched the black button-down settle across his lean shoulders. Your mind started flashing through images of all the comments deeming you unworthy of him. You turned your face away from the mirror and avoided eye-contact with yourself- knowing it would only cement those thoughts and sour your mood even more. 

You quickly brushed your teeth and headed back to the room, only to stare at the clothes you had brought in disappointment. Too loose you’ll look like a soggy cardboard box, too tight you’ll look like a shrink wrapped ham, too-

“You okay?” He chuckled from behind you as he fixed his shirt.

“Yeah… I’m fine.” You huffed out, grabbing at a random article of clothing and feeling yourself physically recoil at the thought of wearing it. 

“You don’t look fine- if you don’t wanna go out we can stay in…” He shrugged and examined your clothes with you. “You still have some other things in my closet you know… you don’t have to keep living out of your carry on bag. You can keep things here.” He laughed softly. 

“I- I know. I just… I don’t know- it's one of those days- you know?” You mustered up a small laugh. “Nothing feels right.” You shrugged it off. 

“I get it… let's just stay in.” He sat beside your clothes on the bed, offering a soft smile as he took your hands and pulled you closer .

“No, I want to go out…” You furrowed your brow a bit, irritated that you were letting it all affect you so much. “I’ll hurry up.” You pulled another few items of clothing out and headed back to the bathroom, not wanting to even think about him watching you change right now. 

You came back out after continuing to struggle through every aspect of getting ready while your mind attacked you. He sat up from scrolling his socials on the bed and quickly tucked his phone back into his pocket- a detail you wish your brain would find insignificant.

 “Ready?” He smiled and stood as you nodded. He grabbed his jacket and threw it on as you grabbed your things and started to head out with him. 

You were grateful for the comfortable silence as he drove to the restaurant, allowing you some time to try and change your mood. He’d put some softer lofi on the radio and let you silently watch as the streetlights flashed past your window. You weren't sure how he always seemed to know exactly what you needed, yet he always did. 

When you arrived at the restaurant you were surprised to hear he’d made reservations for the two of you. You couldn’t help but smile, despite the discomfort welling up that he’d chosen something more fancy than you had expected- or dressed for. 

“Wait, wait…” He hooked arm around your side, stopping you as you followed the host to the booth. He spun you into him in front of the elegant floor length mirror stood beside the entrance and pulled out his phone for a picture. You giggled at the quick cute gesture and posed with him, shutting your eyes as he snapped the pic to avoid any further mental spiraling. 

Dinner went by uneventfully, you stayed a bit more quiet as he excitedly told you about new songs he was working on, or vented about the issues holding up his new merch drop. It wasn’t entirely due to your bad mood, you loved seeing him enthuse about his passions and how animated he’d suddenly become. His whiskey toned eyes would light up and his excitement was palpable in the air, making even you more energized. It wasn’t until halfway through or so when you came back from the bathroom that things shifted. You caught sight of him looking up at you returning before tucking his phone quickly away again. 

“What’s that about?” You questioned lightheartedly with a laugh.

“Oh it’s nothing… Did you wanna get dessert?” He dismissed before swiftly changing the subject, but not before you caught a strange look on his face. 

“Okay Mr. Secretive… um, I think I’m full though.” You shrugged awkwardly as you looked down at your plate.

“You sure weren't saying that about the wine though…” He chuckled as he sipped his own glass.

“I- okay?” You rebutted, hesitating as you gave him a confused glance. “I was just trying to cure my bad mood…” You internally cringed as your voice came out more defeated and offended than you intended, seemingly proving his point that you’d had too much. It was only two glasses… am I really that bad? All that stupid pasta I kept shoving in my fat mouth absorbed it all- I don’t even feel drunk…

“Wh- no… baby I- I was just making a joke… I didn’t mean anything by it-” His face softened with concern. 

“No it’s fine… I probably have had too much- sorry.” You managed to squeak out, your face reddening with embarrassment. “Let’s just get the check…” I just want to go home now… Jesus Christ. You bit down on the inside of your lip as you heard the harsh, irritated sigh he let out. 

---

The drive back from the restaurant was insufferable, just as it had been for him to the restaurant. He wasn’t sure if even his knives could’ve cut the tension radiating from the passenger side. It was clear something happened but he didn’t know what. Before he’d gone to his office to join the stream everything was fine, but once he came back the mood had completely changed. 

“Are you- okay? Did I do something to upset you?” He asked as tentatively as he could upon getting back home. 

“N-No, I’m fine. I’m sorry I had too much to drink.” Your voice was still soft but had a bit of an edge to it. 

“I’m sorry I said that at the restaurant, I didn’t mean it like that at all. I meant it in like a- ‘it’s funny that you chose the wine over dessert…’ because I agreed- kind of way… I’m sorry baby.” He paused, taking your hands and tugging you gently closer as he kissed your forehead. “Y/n, If I did something to upset you, I wanna know, so I can fix it and make you feel better. You’ve seemed upset since I got off stream.”

“It… it’s fine, I’m just stupidly sensitive. I’m fine.” You ruined the entire night with him, great job. If he really wasn’t hiding anything on his phone earlier, he’ll surely start now. You huffed in frustration at yourself. “I should probably get home…” 

“W- Why? You always leave Monday mornings…” He asked, feeling his energy plummet as you continued to shut down. 

“I just have an early day tomorrow is all. I’m sorry…” You met his gaze, immediately wishing you hadn't as you offered a half smile to his heartbreakingly defeated expression. You pushed back the self-criticism as you went to collect your things, that could wait until you were alone in your car. He silently followed you back into his room like a kicked puppy and helped you gather your things, making your brain slew more insecurities about him wanting you gone. Once all your stuff was in your bag he walked you out to your car while you said your goodbyes. 

“Please drive safe…”

He’ll just feel guilty if something happens…

“...text me when you get home…”

He feels like he has to say that… you’re so fucking sensitive. He walks on eggshells with you.

“I love you…” 

No he doesn’t, why the fuck would he? 

The drive back home continued that way as you dissociated the entire time, only letting the tears fall once you were back inside your own house. After having a small breakdown over the bullying your brain had done, you texted him you were home before collapsing down into your bed- exhausted by it all. You were ready for any solace you could get from mindlessly scrolling your phone, though it seemed the universe had something else in mind. You opened your instagram to check messages from your friends but were promptly bombarded by a photo he’d posted of the two of you from the restaurant. He’d put some goofy angel and devil emojis over your faces that you tried to let yourself laugh at but couldn't muster at the moment. He’d captioned it ‘LOMFL 😍🥵’ that got a small smile out of you, but not without a scoff. It wasn’t really until you tapped on the comments, you felt your gut tighten. The first few were various heart emojis from Rae, Tina, and Sean- but below that it took a turn. His fans attacked everything about you, your outfit, your weight, even your personality- as if they even knew you. But it didn’t stop there, some crazed fans had gone as far as finding you somehow- despite him never tagging you- and DMing your personal account even more vile things, even death threats. You wanted to vomit. You wanted to scream and show them how awful you could really be, but mostly you wanted to make yourself stop believing them. You didn’t want any of it to be true… but you were now convinced it was. 

The next day you kept your phone completely off, even going as far as deleting all your socials before shutting it off. In the morning meeting with your boss you informed her your phone wasn’t working and email was how you should be contacted from now on, so you wouldn't even need it on for later. You went about your daily tasks at work completely numb, doing everything you could to keep yourself too busy to think. Of course, that only worked at work, at home it was entirely different. The next few days turned to weeks as you cleaned like you never had before, you rearranged furniture like you were suddenly trying to fit four Alaskan king sized beds in your home, you went to the store and meal prepped- full well knowing you’d have no appetite, you binged several of your favorite shows entirely. 

By the third week, you’d fully run out of tasks to keep the thoughts and anxiety at bay. You scrolled through Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon- finding nothing. Out of either habit or some subconscious cue about the anxiety of not texting the only person you wanted to at the moment, you opened up Youtube. You rolled your eyes and groaned softly but scrolled through the videos anyway, cringing as the recommendations of Sussy Sundays and various other videos with your boyfriend popped up. You felt incredibly guilty about not talking to him. It wasn’t like the two of you talked non-stop, or that he’d be mad, you were just sure with the way you’d left things he was likely worrying about you by now. As you continued to scroll you saw a live video pop up in your suggestions, of him. He’s live? Why is he live? He doesn’t stream anymore… You were already anxious, but after reading the title ‘we need to talk…’ you started to feel sick. You hesitantly clicked the video and his voice rang out from your TV. 

“...I really don’t give a fuck how you guys feel or what you fuckin think…” He paused, presumably reading the chat. “I know it’s not all of you… but those of you that are commenting this shit… I don’t wanna fuckin see it- I don’t everr wanna see this shit again… if you like my content but come into my chat, or friends chats, or on twitter.com or instagram and say that shit… fucking unsubscribe right now, fuck you. Get off the fucking internet, it's disgusting.” You took in a deep breath as anxiety welled up more, why was he doing this? “I’ll straight up never put out another thing ever again if this keeps happening. I know that people are always gonna be assholes, but if you’re a fan of me or whatever- and saying this fucking shit about my partner? Go fuck yourself. I don’t want your fucking support…”  

You stared at his animated figure standing in the rain blankly and opened up your laptop, starting a video call to him. You waited for a while as he went silent on stream before it was denied. Is he mad at me? It’s all my fault- fuck.

“Anyways- I just thought I’d get on here and reprimand you fucks… and to all my actual fans, being kind and supportive, thank you, and keep reporting these people- love you guys… oodles and oodles… keep being you- I’m sorry you guys had to hear this… love you.” 

 You tried again as the stream ended. Again denied. Fuck he’s pissed… Because of me he had to get on after not streaming anymore and do that- fuck… You took a deep breath and tried to not overthink. Maybe he’s just sick of your bullshit. If he was worried or he’d been trying to contact you at all, he probably would’ve answered. You fidgeted nervously at the thought. I’ll just start a new show- keep my mind off this… You shut your laptop and dejectedly threw it aside on the couch before getting up and grabbing some blankets for another night of Netflix. 

You were two episodes in when you decided to grab a snack but just as you paused the show and stood, there was a knock on the door. You looked over, and cautiously moved toward it. Peeking out the peephole you saw what looked like an outraged figure of your boyfriend standing outside. You felt icy panic run through you as you grabbed the handle and twisted, preparing yourself for the worst.

“You’re okay…” He sighed in relief as his whole body relaxed. 

“I- Y- yeah… I- I’m fine.. What are you-” You tried to play catch up, still in shock to see him at your door, let alone not yelling at you. 

“You haven’t answered your phone- for anyone- in like a month…” He seemed to pant out. “I tried to give you space and not worry too much when you weren't answering, but then you deleted your socials, and then didn’t answer Tina, or Rae… or me… I was… scared.” He paused and caught his breath. “When you video called me I panicked, I thought you were in trouble or- I- I don’t even know… I just rushed over.” He stepped in and yanked you into one of his enveloping bear hugs. You stood motionless, mostly from how tight his arms were around you, but partially from even more surprise. Here he was, yet again, proving that he knew you better than anyone- and certainly better than you knew him. The guilt of not talking to him only grew now. How could you have ever thought any awful things about the panic stricken, devoted, heart-of-fucking-gold man that was seemingly holding onto you for dear life? 

“I- I’m sorry…” You squeaked out, faltering under his obvious concern. He sighed again and released his hold but kept his hands gently on your arms. 

“Please don’t do that again… If you need space that's okay, but please just tell me… I- I didn’t know what to think- or do…” He knelt down to your level slightly, his face full of worry as he seemed to practically beg. 

“I’m sorry…” You swallowed hard, feeling your face heat as your voice wavered. 

“I-It’s okay… I- I’m not mad… I just wanted to know you’re safe- cause I worked myself into a panic not knowing- I’m sorry I just showed up out of the blue…” He took a deep breath. “If you still need space that's okay I just- I was really worried. I know I’m probably overreacting…” 

“No… I just… I don’t know-” You looked down at your feet, the guilt consuming you now as he continued to prove every horrible thought you had about him wrong. 

“Do you want to talk?” He questioned hesitantly as his mind began reeling in the same way yours had. You just nodded, looking up as he closed the door and looked back to you, eyes still full of worry. 

You moved back to the couch and curled up into the blanket, comforting yourself and trying to hold back tears of guilt over how you’d acted toward him. He slowly moved to sit by you. 

“What’s going on? A-are you upset with me?” He stuttered nervously, also anticipating the worst. You shook your head and shut your eyes as they welled up. It all felt so stupid now- but the constant harassment, death threats, and insults had done a number- and having him here, almost completely in the dark about it all but still so kind and loving was just too much all at once. 

“Oh- baby… shh come here.” He soothed melodically as he pulled you closer, wrapping his arms around you tightly again. “Please talk to me.” His voice was soft and quiet as he pressed kisses onto the top of your head. 

“I don’t wanna cry- it’s stupid…” You managed to mumble. 

“It’s not stupid- something is really bothering you… is it the comments and shit?” You nodded. 

“It’s all of it- I- I don’t know why you’re even with me…” Your voice cracked and broke. 

“Y/n, I’m with you because I’m in love with you- I wouldn’t ever let the opinions of fucking dumbass ten-year-olds with no internet supervision change or dictate that…” You cringed as you heard the offended tone in his voice. 

“I know… I just… I let my brain believe it all… and I feel shitty… and that just makes me wonder even more why- because I do shit like this- even though you’re nothing but amazing and loving to me…” You choked out between sobs. 

“You’re not shitty…” His tone softened even more as he pulled your face up. “I have no idea what it’s like to go through that, and how you can even deal with it. Most people don’t. I knew it was hard to see, and if I had any idea that you’d been this upset about it for this long I would’ve stopped it right then and there…” He kissed your forehead and wiped off your tears. “I’m so sorry baby… I should’ve known.” You shook your head. 

“I should’ve just told you… but I felt so stupid- letting it get to me- I wanted to just come home and clear my head and get over it… but then it got worse and I just I don’t know, I couldn't deal.” He pushed your hair from your face and let you continue after the sobs began to slow. “Now I just feel guilty and shitty for avoiding you- avoiding all of it, not telling you… especially when you are… like this- so nice, and understanding.” You scoffed harshly at yourself, making him chuckle.

“Don’t. It’s a pretty understandable way to react… I’m sorry honey…” He leaned in and kissed you softly. “Would it help if I pretend to be mad at you?” He joked lightly as you parted. You let out a weak but honest giggle and gave an exaggeratory nod. He laughed and tsked loudly. “I can’t believe it… how could someone so goddamn attractive, funny, kind, and lovable think that I’d be dumb enough to see any warrant to the words of fuckin dipshit kids? To think that I’m not already blindly and completely head over heels? I’m disappointed…” He mocked in a goofy tone.

“Shut up…” You laughed, wiping your face and pushing him playfully. 

“I love you dummy.” He chuckled and kissed you again. 

“I love you too, Corpsie.” 

[justagalwhowrites]

Shelter

IT'S FINALLY DONE!

A request from MONTHS ago from the lovely, the talented, the supreme Lavender fan @dundienominee who wanted some QZ era Joel angst that included a few specifics. I thought you'd sent an ask but I think it was just one of the millions of DMs lol

So here it is! A NON-CANON Lavender one shot, where Joel and Doc are stuck together when FEDRA puts the QZ on lockdown.

I hope this is what you're looking for, love!!

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader from Lavender (can be read independently with the understanding that Joel and Reader are exes and Reader also dated Tommy in the QZ.)

Warnings: SMUT!, Results of canon-typical violence, infidelity (not on each other). No use of Y/N. Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 8.4k

August, 2017

Joel had been right. 

That wasn’t a fact he particularly appreciated in that moment. He’d rather have been right and not shot. He’d rather have been wrong, for that matter, even if you’d be bound and fucking determined to hold it over him for the next who knows how fucking long. 

But no, he had to be right and shot. 

Still, better than another alternative. 

You shot. You hurt. That was the worst possible outcome. 

Well, maybe not the worst. That would be you dead.

Joel couldn’t think about that. 

“Shit,” you swore, the sound of FEDRA around the next corner. 

“There,” Joel said through gritted teeth, nodding toward a pile of junk. 

“Right,” you said, pulling him along toward it, your shoulder tucked into his underarm. You pulled him down to the ground just as a dozen or so FEDRA guards ran past, armed to the teeth, guns drawn. Joel fought to keep quiet, breathe silently through the pain, until he couldn’t hear them anymore. You looked at him. There was blood on your cheek. “Should we wait? Or do you think we’re good to move?” 

“So now you want to listen to me?” He asked sarcastically. You glared at him. He ignored it. “Should be alright now, doubt more troops will be headin’ that way from here.” 

You helped him to his feet and he leaned against you again, trying to ignore the way his body seemed to be hyperaware of everywhere you touched him. You started walking. 

“I’m really sorry, Joel,” you said, sounding a little breathless, as you started getting close to his apartment. “I really thought it would be alright…” 

“Maybe fuckin’ listen to me next time,” he managed through the pain. “Might not be a damn doctor but I do know about shit like this…” 

“I know,” you said quietly. 

Joel let the subject drop. 

The two of you had gone to the absolute shittiest part of the QZ to run medication to a boy there who had been in the clinic just a few days earlier. You’d gone on a special trip outside the QZ for it. You had explained it all to Joel and Tess, of course, but he didn’t really get it. All he knew was there was a four-year-old boy who needed some drug urgently. 

You just hadn’t bothered to explain where that drug needed to be taken until you, Joel and Tess made it back to the QZ. 

“No,” Joel had shaken his head. “No fuckin’ way…” 

“He’s going to die,” you said. “He has the flu, he’s already showing signs of complications, if he doesn’t get help it will kill him, I need…” 

“No.” 

“Fine,” you snapped. “I’ll go on my own.” 

You turned to leave. 

“No the fuck you won’t,” Joel grabbed your wrist, yanking you harshly alongside him. “Gonna just get yourself fuckin’ killed…” 

“Fuck off, Joel.” 

You pulled yourself from his grip and stalked off, leaving him no choice but to follow you. For someone as damn smart as you were, you made stupid fucking decisions. 

Decisions that led to the two of you getting caught in the crossfire between two rival groups that left Joel with a bullet in his stomach near his hip. 

“Almost there,” you said, your fingers holding tight to his side. 

“Know where the fuck we are,” he muttered. He didn’t need to look at you to know that you rolled your eyes in response. 

He managed to make it up the stairs and into the apartment, Tess pacing the living room. She stopped when she saw him, her eyes going wide. 

“Jesus Christ,” she ran to him, taking his other side. 

“Let’s get him to the table,” you said. “Trying to avoid doing this on the floor again…” 

Joel had all but forgotten that you’d saved his life here, in this room, once before. He had almost no memory of it, what little he did remember was more like a dream. You, next to him, your hands soft, voice gentle, something warm in him that was tied to you. You didn’t seem real, you seemed like something he’d lost, something that was in a place that was too far and too good for him to reach. But you were there. And you were taking care of him. 

“Fucking told you, Doc,” Tess snapped, helping to haul Joel’s broken body to the table. She cleared the papers and trash from it, dropping shit into a chair. “Fucking told you not to go to that side of the goddamn QZ…” 

“Yeah, I get it,” you snapped back. “I’m a fucking idiot, alright? Just help me.” 

You and Tess got Joel up on the table and he groaned, his muscle tensing and pulling around the wound in his stomach. 

“Sorry, sorry,” you said, helping him lay back on the wood with a grunt. 

“Don’t know why I let you talk us into this shit,” Tess said, still pissed, as she unbuttoned his shirt. “I should really fucking know better by now, you’re the dumbest smart person I know…” 

“Tess,” Joel growled. 

“She’s going to get you fucking killed,” she snapped. “She’s going to get us both fucking killed…” 

“Tess,” his voice was sharper. 

He knew that Tess was far from a fan of yours. She’d been growing tenser and tenser around you for a while now. He was never sure why, if it really was what she said and it was because she felt like you took stupid risks, if it was because he’d never been able to care about her the same way he cared about you in spite of how much he loathed it, if it was because she was tired of trying to keep the peace when you were so clearly done with him. For a while, it had seemed like the two of you were friends. Almost friends. But not anymore. 

“Someone has to give a shit if you live or die, Joel, and we both know that it’s not going to be you and it’s not going to be her, either,” she unbuttoned his jeans next. “So that leaves me.” 

“You think I don’t give a shit?” You asked, dropping your pack on a chair and yanking it open. “You think I keep you and him alive for fun?” 

“No, I think you do it so you can keep trying to save a place that can’t be fucking saved,” she was yelling now. 

“Tess.” 

“Shut up, Joel,” she barely glanced at him before rounding on you again. “I’m tired of being some tool in her goddamn stupid crusade…” 

“Tess.” 

“I didn’t fucking make him come with me!” You yelled back at her. “I would have gone on my own, he’s the one…” 

“You really think he’s the one who makes the decisions when it comes to you?” Tess shoved you. “You really think he’d let you run off to get yourself fucking killed? You’re an idiot sometimes, Doc, but you’re not that fucking stupid.” 

“Tess!” Joel was trying to sit up but she wasn’t paying attention. You were. You looked at him, frowning. 

“No,” she yelled, shoving you again. “No, I’m done with this shit, I’m done pretending that we’re doing fucking anything besides risking our fucking lives for some pointless…” 

“Tess!” He managed to sit up, grabbing her arm before she could shove you again. Her head spun, hair whirling, eyes narrowed. “She’s right, don’t fuckin’ blame her…” 

“She’s…” Tess shook her head. “You are so fucking stuck on her, on her bullshit, on…” 

“Get out.” 

You pulled gauze out of your pack and pressed it to the wound at his hip. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She gaped at him, her brows raised. 

“You can figure out how to fuckin’ respect her or you can go,” Joel said through gritted teeth. “Not gonna just let you talk about her…” 

“Her is right here,” you cut him off. “Stop talking about me like I’m not fucking here. And Joel you need to lie down before you fuck something else up, Jesus…” 

Tess looked between him and you before she shook her head and stepped back from the table. 

“Good fucking luck,” Tess snapped before stalking out and slamming the door behind her. 

You looked where she had been for a moment before nudging Joel back down onto the table. 

“You done?” You asked, brows raised. “Because I don’t need you to defend me from your girlfriend, Joel. I’m still going to keep you alive even if you both hate me.” 

“I don’t…”

“Stay still.”

He gritted his teeth and stared daggers at the ceiling while you worked on him for a moment, pressing gauze into his skin for a bit before pulling it away. 

“Don’t think you’ve hit anything major,” you said, more to yourself than to him. He still grunted in response. “Stay put, I still need to get that bullet out and get you cleaned up.” 

He followed you with his eyes as you went about collecting tools, cleaning yourself up, putting on sterile gloves. He tried to focus on you without it raising his blood pressure which, he figured, wouldn’t be the best thing to do when there was an open wound on his torso. 

But it was hard. 

It had been years with you like this. More than a decade. Thinking about you too much made his chest tight, his stomach clench. Thinking about you too much made him worry he might be having a fucking heart attack, that you just might be the death of him.

But you were still who he thought about when he needed comfort. Still where his mind went when he was in pain and he needed to remember why he should try to live through it. Still what he pictured when alone at night and he thought the loss and the emptiness of his life would swallow him whole. Still where his thoughts found when he wanted to come because nothing had ever felt as good as you. 

“Think you can sit still while I get this sucker out of you?” You asked. “Because I don’t exactly have someone here to hold you still at the moment.” 

“Just do it,” Joel squared his jaw and stared at the ceiling again. 

You were quiet for a moment before you touched his bared skin with the lightest, gloved touch. 

“I really am sorry,” you said softly. “I know… We have our issues but… I really hate seeing you hurt. I really hate getting you hurt.” 

Joel looked at you, your face drawn into a frown, your eyes sad. Even now, he thought you might be the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“I know,” he said, looking back at the ceiling. 

You were quiet and he could feel your eyes on him before he felt you slip some kind of instrument into the wound. He hissed through the pain of it but kept still. 

“I know,” you said, voice gentle and soothing. “You’re OK, it’ll be OK.” 

He remembered you using that voice with Sarah. He came home from work once and his daughter was perched on the counter, sniffling, her face streaked with tears. You were talking to her in that voice, a wad of paper towel held against her knee. 

“You’re OK. It’ll be OK.” 

“You with me, Miller?” You asked after what felt like an eternity but knew it must have only been a few minutes. “Need a break?” 

“Just finish it,” he managed through gritted teeth. 

You found the bullet and planted your hand firmly on the softness of his stomach. 

“Hold still,” you said. “This is going to have to be kind of slow, there’s relatively little damage, nothing major hit and I’d like to keep it that way.” 

You pulled on it and he could feel you moving through him, through the gaping wound him, pulling the pain out into the open air. 

When you finished, you held the bullet up, glistening with blood. 

“The cause of all this trouble,” you said, turning it in the light. “Let me patch some of this up and make sure you don’t bleed out. I don’t think you’ll need a blood transfusion this time at least…” 

Joel frowned, lifting his head slightly as you set to work. 

“What do you mean ‘this time?’” 

You froze for half a second before you tried to brush it off. 

“Just, you know,” you said. “In general.” 

He watched you work for a moment. 

“Hey.” 

You glanced at him before looking back at his wound. 

“What?” 

“You had to give me a blood transfusion last time?” He asked, trying not to groan at the pain. 

“I didn’t want to freak you out,” you said eventually, tucking gauze into the wound. “But… yeah, you were down a lot of blood and… Look, I did what I had to do to keep you alive.” 

You cleaned up the skin around his injury. 

“Whose blood?” 

“What?” You asked, focused on the task. 

“Whose blood did you use?” He asked. “Don’t imagine you went down to the clinic so whose blood.” 

You were quiet and Joel was about to ask again when you spoke. 

“We didn’t know your blood type,” you said quietly. “So Tommy would have been the best option…” your voice trailed off but he knew that wasn’t the end. He kept watching you and you sighed before you kept going. “But I’m O- so…” 

He just blinked for a moment. 

“It was yours.” 

Your eyes darted to his for half a second. 

“Yeah. It was mine.” 

He was quiet as you pulled off your gloves with a sharp snap. 

You’d saved him. Bled for him, poured yourself into him so he would keep breathing. He’d walked around for who knows how long with you pulsing through his body and he hadn’t known. 

“You should have told me,” he said eventually. 

“Yeah, well.” 

You started packing up. 

“You should have…” 

“I couldn’t be sure that you wouldn’t fucking slit your wrists if you knew, alright?” You snapped. “You hated me. You still hate me but it was worse then, you’ve figured out how to tolerate me in the last decade which is great and all but Jesus, Joel, don’t act like telling you was the easy thing to do.” 

You threw your pack over your shoulder and he sat up, ignoring the pain at his hip. 

“I need to get home,” you said. “Try not to wreck all my work…” 

There was a pounding at the door that made you jump. Joel shoved himself off the table and quickly buttoned his shirt as he limped for the door. 

“Bag down,” he said quietly. “Stay back.” 

You nodded, obeying him for once in your damn life. 

He opened the door slowly, cautiously. A FEDRA officer stood at his door. 

“Can I help you?” Joel tried not to growl, tried not to do anything that would incite suspicion. Not that he could help that he had on a bloody shirt with a fucking bullet hole in it. 

“There’s been increase violence in a nearby quadrant of the QZ,” the man said, barely looking at Joel. “We’re requiring all residents to shelter in place until further notice. Is everyone here a member of your household or does someone need an escort home?” 

Joel saw you step toward the door, opening your mouth like you were about to speak, but he held his hand out behind him, silencing you. 

“Same household,” he said. “We’re all set here.” 

“We’ll let you know when it’s safe to leave,” the guard said. “Lock your door.” 

He left before Joel had a chance to respond and he shut the door quickly before slumping against it. 

“Joel!” You hissed, going to his side and looping an arm around his waist. He leaned against you and you helped him to the couch. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

“You really want to get a fuckin’ FEDRA escort home?” He grimaced. 

“No,” you snapped, setting him on the couch. “But do you remember how long they locked us down for last time?” 

“No.” 

“A week,” you said, sitting on the threadbare arm chair. “And I’d rather get a FEDRA escort than have you kill me out of frustration in three days because that’s how long we’ll last before you get that fed up with me.” 

“Jesus, you really think we can’t manage to not kill each other for a few fuckin’ days?” He settled into the couch. “You n’me have survived a lot worse than that.” 

You scoffed. 

“Have we?” You asked, brows raised. “Besides, aren’t you worried about Tess?” 

He shrugged. 

“She can handle herself better than you can,” he said and you rolled your eyes. “You that worried about gettin’ back to Derek?” 

“Worried about FEDRA showing up at my door to look for relief for the clinic and not finding me,” you snapped. “Should have just let them…” 

“Not gonna let you go out there with those fucking assholes if people are out there shooting at each other!” Joel cut you off. “Don’t trust ‘em with shit let alone with you! I can keep you safe here so you’re staying here, it ain’t up for discussion!” 

You just blinked at Joel for a moment, a shocked look on your face. 

“Think we can handle not strangling each other for a few damn days,” he muttered, looking away from you. He couldn’t really handle looking at you. You didn’t say anything. You just got up, grabbing your pack and stalking further into the apartment. He frowned. “Where do you think you’re goin’?” 

“Don’t want to be around you any more than you want to be around me,” you said. “So I’m going to Tommy’s room…” 

“Always liked his bed,” Joel muttered, grinding his teeth. 

You flipped him off, not bothering to even look at him before slamming Tommy’s door behind you. 

***

Day 1

Tommy needed better hobbies. 

It was clear Joel had barely used Tommy’s room since he’d left. There were some boxes for storage - things you weren’t about to go searching through since you were pretty sure it was full of black market things from smuggling runs - but otherwise it was exactly how you remembered it. Not that you’d ever spent much time here. You liked to avoid Joel and Tommy seemed to like to avoid him even more than you did when you were around. You’d slept here a few times, when Joel was outside the QZ but Tommy had stayed behind, but he was much more likely to be at your place than his. 

But this room was all but a shrine to him. Or maybe more of a mausoleum, something left in memory of someone who was gone and would never be back. You hadn’t really realized how much you’d missed your friend until you were back in his space, surrounded by his things. 

You also realized that, in reality, you didn’t have a ton in common. Tommy’s book collection was… lacking. He had a few tattered Tom Clancy novels and you settled on one that you were pretty sure he’d brought over to your place once or twice. 

It wasn’t really your thing, though, and you were desperately bored. You were going to have to emerge from the room eventually to do more than pee and refill your water bottle in the bathroom sink. You were almost out of the jerky you’d packed for your trip outside the QZ and you’d never been very good at sitting still with nothing to occupy your mind. 

But you’d need to check on Joel’s injury at some point, anyway. Because looking at the ex who seemed to mostly hate you but apparently flew off the handle at the thought of you getting shot. 

Which you didn’t fully understand. If anyone asked you, you’d have sworn up and down that Joel would shoot you in the street if it wouldn’t make his life harder. You were surprised he hadn’t all but tossed you to an infected in the years you’d been going outside the QZ but the fact that you did things like pull bullets out of him and stitch Tess’ knife wounds closed was apparently a good enough reason to keep you alive. 

You didn’t see how that was a good enough reason to keep you from leaving his apartment when the two of you were about to be locked down for who the fuck knows how long. What were you supposed to do with… well, any of it? 

Your head dangled over the edge of the bed when you spotted a ratty tennis ball in the corner. You tumbled off the bed and picked it up, oddly grateful to have something to function as a distraction and started bouncing it off the wall, catching it out of the air when it bounced back at you. 

“The fuck you doing?” Joel called at you from the other side of the wall. 

You rolled your eyes. 

“Keeping myself from being so bored that I jump out a window.” 

He was quiet for a minute. 

You threw the ball again. 

“It’s annoying.” 

You caught the ball and then threw it. 

“Should’ve sent me off with FEDRA then.” 

For a moment, you thought that might be the end of it. And then the door opened. 

He’d gotten changed, at least, his new shirt as clean and intact as you could really find in the QZ and he looked a little pale. You looked him in he eye and you threw the ball again. 

“You tryin’ to piss me off?” He asked, one arm propped against the door frame. 

You shrugged and caught the ball. 

“You just make it so fun…” 

You threw the ball again and he came and snatched it out of the air. You glared at him. 

“Are you trying to make me miserable?” You asked. “Because it’s getting really old…” 

“Is that what you think I’m doing?” He snapped. “Think I decided to come find you in my brother’s bed because it’s fun…” 

“Oh will you stop fucking harping on that?” You shoved off the bed and stalked over to him in the doorway. “It’s ancient history! Think it’s time to get over the fact that your brother decided to pick up your broken toy…” 

“You think that’s why I’m pissed?” He asked, brows raised. 

You ignored him, dropping to your knees and yanking his shirt up. He stopped breathing and you checked his wound before getting to your feet. 

“In a few hours I’ll change your dressing,” you said, looking up at him as you stood almost shockingly close to him. You could see the pulse in his throat. “Leave me alone until then.” 

He clenched his jaw, looking you up and down, before storming off, yanking the door shut behind him. 

Day 2 

You waited until you heard the bathroom door close before you emerged. You were officially out of jerky and sitting in a room full of Tommy’s things while being sharply aware that he was thousands of miles away from you was wearing on you fast. You needed something - anything - to distract you. 

So you darted to the kitchen, grabbed a bag of jerky, and paused on your way past Joel’s room, his door cracked open. If you were quick…

You opened the, the hinges creaking, and ducked inside. 

It was neat, orderly. Like you remembered it being years ago when you were together. There were little signs of him everywhere, enough that you’d have recognized the room as his even if you’d walked into it in a strange place a thousand miles away. Little carvings on the window sill, the watch you’d helped Sarah picked for his birthday gift on the nightstand, a cracked Springsteen CD case sitting next to a worn boom box. You resisted the urge to touch the booklet and see if it fell open to a specific page, if you could tell what he’d been looking for when picking that album. 

Instead, you went to the bookshelf that was collapsing, worn boards sagging between cinderblocks. You recognized Joel’s taste in books, a little more in line with your own. You found a Cormac McCarthy book you hadn’t read with a spine that looked comfortably warn and pulled it, almost reverently, off the shelf. 

“The hell you doin’?” 

You jumped, almost dropping the book and the bag of jerky. 

“Sorry…” 

“I say you could come in here?” 

He was standing in the doorway in pajamas, his pants slung low on his hips, t-shirt stretched over his broad shoulders. 

“I am bored out of my mind,” you said, squaring your jaw even though you knew you shouldn’t be in his room. “I got desperate.” 

“You think that’s a reason to just waltz in…” 

“No, but…” 

“Sure acting like it!” 

“Is hating me fun for you?” You snapped. “Because it sure seems like it is! I don’t know why you’d work this hard at it if it wasn’t.” 

He looked you up and down for a moment. 

“Just get the fuck out of here,” he stepped to the side and you ducked around him, all but running back to the room you’d claimed as your own. 

You settled in on the bed with your new book, resting it on your knees and trying to forget how mad Joel had been just because you dared set foot in his room, as though you didn’t live together once in another life. It had been so easy for him to forget. You’d been so easy for him to forget. 

You opened the book and tried to get absorbed in the story but were having a hard time focusing, shifting around on the bed and hoping that a more comfortable position might make it so you could let yourself fall into it. You were changing positions for the third time when something fell out of the book and flitted like a leaf down to the worn quilt. You frowned, picking it up and turning it over in your hands. 

It was a picture. A picture of you. 

“What?” You whispered to yourself, eyebrows knitting together. 

It was a photo you recognized. Derek had it in his bedroom and he’d taken it without you knowing. You were folded into an armchair in his living room, a book in your hands, hair wild with a ribbon in to keep it out of your face. When he’d developed the photo, you remembered the day he’d taken it. One of the few that you had off from both jobs in the QZ. It had been warm that day, you hadn’t bothered to put on a bra or even pants, sitting around Derek’s place in a pair of his boxers and a tank top. He’d fucked you that morning, before it got too hot, and the two of you spent the day not moving much otherwise, not wanting to spend hours sticky with sweat and miserable. 

The day stuck out to you, though, not because of the heat or because you got to spend it somewhere besides the clinic or the school. Instead, it was because it reminded you of summer days in Austin with Joel. Trying not to run the AC too much, you sat far apart on the couch wearing as little as possible with Sarah coming and going from the house with friends. He would bring you glasses of ice water or lemonade almost every time he got up, his lips finding your forehead when he pressed the cold glass into your palm, his large hand finding your ankle because he had to be touching you in some way without making both of you miserable in the heat. 

And now Joel had a picture from that day, the one where he’d been on your mind the whole time, so much that you’d given up on trying not to think of him. 

You weren’t sure how he’d gotten it. Derek may have given him a copy if he’d asked but you didn’t know how he knew it existed. And why would he want a copy in the first place? 

You looked a little closer at it, the corners curling, edges peeling. Like it had been held a lot. There was a discolored almost halo around the edges of you, like someone had been tracing over the outline of you over and over again. 

There was a sharp knock on your door and you stuffed the photo into the book again. 

“What?” You asked, tone softer than it had been when speaking to Joel in years. 

“Mind checkin’ this damn wound?” He asked through the door, his voice oddly gentle. “Since you’re here and all. Make yourself useful.” 

“Yeah,” you said. “Yeah, of course. No problem.” 

You made sure the photo was tucked away and set the book on the nightstand, keeping your fingers crossed that Joel didn’t realize which book you’d taken. 

***

Joel didn’t like that you’d taken to hiding in Tommy’s old room. 

He didn’t like that you were still here. Or so he tried to tell himself. Really, he didn’t like that you were still here without being here, like you were the ghost in his house in the same way it seemed you’d spent most of the last decade. You were just more corporeal now. 

He was used to you crossing his mind all the time. Used to the feeling that, any second now, you’d come around the corner as you finished braiding your hair or with a little bottle of nail polish in your hand or a book in fucking French tucked below your arm. He knew what to do with that. 

He didn’t know what to do with you actually here, in such close quarters. Especially not when you seemed to find such comfort in just the memory of his fucking brother - his brother who had damn near gotten you killed - and not Joel, who was actually here. 

Joel stared down the hall at Tommy’s - your - door. His wound ached. You’d checked it earlier, said there was no sign of infection and that things were coming along well. You refreshed his bandages and he’d try not to think about the way the soft skin of your arm felt when you brushed against his exposed flesh. 

That had been hours ago. He hadn’t heard a word from you since, not even the squeak of the mattress as you shifted and moved in ways he knew so well but couldn’t see. 

He shoved himself to his feet with a pained grunt and went to the door, the one that seemed to fucking haunt him now. He knocked once. 

“Yeah?” 

Your voice sounded thick. 

“Want a drink?” He asked. You were quiet. He pressed on. “Figured it was better than drinkin’ alone.” 

He gave you a minute and was about to give up on you responding when he heard small creaks on the other side of the door before it opened. 

“Whatcha got?” 

It took a few whiskeys before you stopped being quite so stiff at his kitchen table and Joel pulled out a deck of cards that had to have been old before the world fell apart but had somehow managed to stay complete. 

“Game’s Gin,” he said, dealing. “Remember how to play?” 

You rolled your eyes. 

“I’m not a total idiot, Miller.”

It was strange, drinking around you. Spending time with you in ways that weren’t required, being able to look at you in ways beyond brief, desperate glances driven by the subconscious need to never, ever forget just how you looked. The precise way your eyes were shaped or your brow arched or lips curved, the exact shade of your skin and your hair and your eyes. Because as much as he didn’t want to need these things, he did. He needed to know these parts of you the way a scholar needed to know his subject, with this obsessive, aching drive for more. 

It had never been enough before, the little pieces he was able to collect when you and Tess were distracted with other things and he could take in the new way your skin creased around your eyes, and it somehow wasn’t enough now, memorizing the way you pursed your lips as you organized your hand and the way your hair had fallen out of the braid that was tight against your skull. 

“Need somethin’ to change into?” Joel asked eventually. 

“Hm?” You looked at him over your cards. 

“Just…” he nodded to you. “Still wearin’ what you were when we came back from the run. Need somethin’ to change into?” 

“Oh,” you looked down at yourself and then shrugged. “I mean, I won’t argue with it but I don’t want to put you out. It’s not like anyone’s getting close enough to smell me. Oh God, please tell me you can’t smell me from across the table…” 

“No, Kid,” he laughed a little and took a sip of whiskey. “Can’t… can’t smell you.” 

He wondered if, below the grime of the world outside, you still smelled like lavender. 

“If you’ve got some stuff I can borrow then,” you shrugged before grabbing a card. Your face lit up a bit and you set a card down before fanning out your cards in front of you. “Gin.” 

“Well shit,” he said, looking over your cards. “You win.” 

Day 3 

He left you something to wear outside your door. 

Joel stared at the wall most of the night, telling himself it was because the fucking bullet hole was hurting more than it had been but that was bullshit. It had faded to a dull pain, one that was easily tolerable and certainly not enough to keep him up at night. 

No, instead he stared at the wall that he knew you were just beyond. His mind went over and over your face again and again, logging every single facet so he’d know the next time he was away from you for a while. But that wasn’t enough, either. He wanted to hear you breathing as you slept, wanted to salt away that information, too. He needed it, needed to add it to his collection of you. 

But you were out of reach. Asleep in his brother’s bed, the place where you’d chosen to be all those years ago and now left Joel wondering if you’d ever really left. If you’d ever have chosen Joel at all or if he’d just been a stop gap, a thing keeping you from Tommy all this time. 

It would have made sense, when he considered it. You were always softer and more open than Joel, always more like Tommy in that way. Maybe all he’d ever been was a placeholder. 

He was still awake when he heard you get up in the morning, heard you pause at the door before going to the bathroom and starting the shower. 

He hoped he’d find your hair in his shower later. 

Your hair was down and wet when you emerged, cautiously coming into the kitchen where Joel was making the shittiest excuse for coffee with instant packets that had expired so long ago it seemed like a miracle there was anything usable at all. You were in one of his flannels and sweatpants, the legs cuffed so you wouldn’t trip, your arms crossed tight over yourself. 

“Morning,” you said, glancing at him like he was a predator and you were prey. 

“Morning,” he said. “Feelin’ better?” 

“Yes, actually,” you said. He held a mug out to you and you took it with a slight frown. “Thank you.” 

He just nodded stiffly. 

“If you want to lie down,” you nodded toward the couch. “I can check your dressings again. The good news is, this might be the last time I really need to do it so…” 

Joel shrugged and obeyed, trying not to think about the sense of panic that flared in his chest at the thought of you not touching him anymore. 

It was something Joel had found almost impossible to hold within himself. There was this constant yearning, a pull towards you that was as persistent as gravity and twice as strong. He needed to be close enough to touch you, hold you, protect you. He needed to be close enough to love you. 

But standing in sharp contrast was the cold threat of you. The painful grip of it always there at the edges when he lived too long in the memory of loving you. It was a cruel and constant thing - one of the few constants Joel had found in his life in the QZ. He could let his mind wander to the memory of you asleep in his arms but, linger there too long, and the memory shifted to you pale and bleeding and nearly dead as he ran with your broken body to the clinic. The thought of you laughing all full and free with your hand on his chest would twist into you reaching for him and screaming as you were dragged away by raiders. Hell, spend too long trying to savor the memory of being deep inside you, the look on your face as you came undone under his touch, and his mind pulled him down into what McCarthy had described doing to you years ago. 

All it took was a second, a moment of Joel not protecting you when he should and you could wind up there again. He didn’t know how to live with that. He wasn’t sure he’d ever figured out how to live with loving you at a distance, either. Something that had become harsh and clear in the days the two of you had been locked down in his apartment. 

“This is looking good,” you said, nodding to yourself. Your hands were on his stomach.  “Think I can trust you not to fuck it up from here, don’t need me messing around with it anymore…” 

You got up and held your hand out, helping Joel sit up without pulling too much at his wound. 

“Thanks,” he said. “For making sure I don’t drop dead.” 

“Yeah, well,” you shrugged. “It’s what I do.” 

You gave him a tight smile and went back down the hall, Joel frowning after you for a moment before following. He knocked on the door and he heard you sigh before opening it a few seconds later. 

“Yes?” 

“Don’t…” Joel realized he didn’t really have a good reason to be standing at your door. “Don’t have to keep hidin’ in here. Sure you’re going stir crazy… Just come out here and…” 

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” You asked, brows raised. “We’ve managed to not kill each other so far, I don’t know that we want to push it.” 

“You really think being in the same room is gonna be pushing it?” 

You laughed a little and crossed your arms protectively over yourself. 

“Honestly? Yeah, kind of. I mean, Joel, come on. This is the most time we’ve spent together just the two of us since my first trip outside the QZ and we both know how that ended…” 

“Yeah,” Joel scoffed, his blood getting hot as he saw you standing there, in his brother’s room, next to his brother’s bed. “Ended with you hating me and jumping into bed with my fuckin’ brother…” 

“Jesus Christ, you cannot be serious,” you pinched the bridge of your nose. “Joel…” 

“What?” He propped an arm against the door frame, holding himself back from stalking into Tommy’s old room like he wanted to. “That not what fuckin’ happened? You all but disappear for months and the next thing I know you’re with him. What was it, hm? Was I just who you settled for because you thought he wasn’t interested? That it?” 

“No!” 

“You just waitin’ for a chance to…” 

“I was only with him because you left!” 

You yelled it at him. You so rarely yelled, usually so measured and soft and kind in damn near everything you did. He went quiet, the silence hanging heavy between you. 

“Do you think I was interested in him before?” You asked, quieter this time. “It was always you, Joel. From the day I met you, it was always you and you’re the one who left me. You’re the one who made me live without you after you made me love you and you don’t get to judge me for what I did to survive you hating me. Yeah, I probably fucked up with Tommy, by having him be anything more than a friend but I was so alone because you made me be so alone! You left me, Joel! I’m sorry I didn’t sit there and wait for you to decide you gave a shit again, I’m sorry I tried to find some semblance of a life without you because losing you was going fucking kill me if I didn’t! So stop holding Tommy against me, stop blaming me for what I had to do to survive losing you, what I’m still doing to survive losing you, because out of all the shitty things that have happened in my life that might just be the worst one!” 

Your eyes were shiny with tears and you were standing closer to him than he’d really realized until that moment and his hands were on your skin before he fully understood what he was doing. All he knew was he needed to touch you, feel you, taste you. 

His lips were on yours and swallowed the small, surprised squeak that slipped from you as he kissed you, mouth hot and needy against you. 

He’d expected you to push him back, to be mad or hurt. Instead, you threw your arms around his neck, body curving and arching into his. Your fingers tangled and knotted in his hair and you pressed yourself so tightly against him that he could feel every line of you through his clothes. 

“Joel,” you pulled away from him ever so slightly, sounding needy and breathless. “We shouldn’t do this…” 

“Why.” 

“We don’t work,” you tugged him closer but kept your lips from him. “We just hurt each other. And you have Tess, I have Derek, it’s not…” 

“Tell me you don’t want this,” he cut you off, his eyes searching yours. “Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.” 

For half a moment, Joel thought you were going to. But you didn’t. Instead, you kissed him again, a sense of urgency on your lips, like you were trying to devour him and he longed for you to swallow him up until there was nothing left. 

He pulled you into the hall, pressing you back against the wall and ignoring the pain at his hip when he did. In that moment, he didn’t care if it killed him. He needed to be inside you, to feel you close and tight around him. Being without you now would be a more painful end than ripping himself open inside, what difference did a bullet hole make? 

Joel pushed his leg from his uninjured side between your knees, shoving them apart and pulling your hips down on his thigh. You ground down against him and moaned into his mouth as you worked your core on his leg. 

“Fuck,” you breathed, pulling ever so slightly away from him, your pupils blown and lips swollen. “Joel, you’re hurt, we shouldn’t…” 

“Don’t care,” he pressed his mouth to your throat, earning him a delicious moan that hung in his ears like syrup on the tongue. “Need you, Baby. Need you so fuckin’ bad…” 

You clutched yourself closer to him, rocking your hips on him as he pulled you back from the wall and maneuvered you to his room, his bed, the place he woke up every day and looked for you, some part of his subconscious knowing that he belonged next to you. 

Your fingers pulled at his shirt, tugging it up and over his head before casting it aside and he nudged you onto the bed, taking his shirt off your body, too. 

“Joel…” you were sitting back on your elbows, the soft fullness of your chest bared to him as he crawled between your legs. “I can’t… I can’t do this and go back to being nothing to you, Joel, I can’t…” 

He looked in your eyes, a pain in them that he found sadly familiar now but it was harsher than he was used to, like you couldn’t keep it contained now so it was laid bare. 

“Oh, Baby,” he breathed, his hands finding your waist. You closed your eyes at his touch, breath catching in your throat. “You’re everything to me, everything. Always have been.” 

His lips moved to your throat, kissing and biting at the tender skin there as he pulled your pants down and off, you lifting your hips to help before putting your hand down his front to take hold of his cock with a moan. Joel moaned, too. He couldn’t help it, your touch was burned into his memory, what he longed for more than anything else and you were touching him. Your thumb grazed the head of his cock and he shuddered at the contact, whole body on fire with aching and desperate want. 

“Need you,” he panted into your lips. “Fuck, need inside you…” 

“Good,” you pressed your body against his and he felt his head graze your soft mound. “Because I need you, too. Never stopped…” 

He kissed you and pushed you into the bed before pressing his cock into your wet heat. You moaned as you took him into yourself, your back arching. You were so warm and tight around him, Joel had to focus to not come from just the feel of your body clutching onto him. 

“Goddamn,” he looked down to where he was buried in you to the root, your fingers sinking into his bicep as you panted for breath. He could feel you breathing, feel your heartbeat from inside you. Why had he wasted so much of his life fighting this when he could have been with you instead? In that moment - when he was buried deep inside of you and he could feel you everywhere, in everything - the fear he’d been so desperately fighting against faded to nothing. There was just you and everything you held, the whole of all his wanting looking up at him in quiet desperation. “Forgot… forgot just how good you feel, holy fuck.” 

“Need you to move,” your nails dug into his arm. “Fuck, please Joel, need you to move, please…” 

He wasn’t about to say no, even as your already tight walls clenched around him. He dropped his head to your chest and pulled out of you almost entirely, until just his head was left within you, before thrusting back in hard and deep. He kissed you again as he did, swallowing your needy sounds. 

Joel tried to hold back, the echo of some pain in his body and his mind, but he was too overwhelmed by you for it to last long. You met his every thrust, working your hips back up against his own as he fucked into you. 

“Fuck, Joel,” you wrapped one arm around his shoulders, digging your fingertips into his skin as he felt you getting so tight around him it almost hurt. “Fuck, I’m gonna… Joel, I’m gonna come, I can’t…” 

“Do it,” he slid an arm below your waist and pulled you tight and flush to his body, needing to feel as much of your skin as he possibly could. “Come for me, come for me, Baby, need to feel you, have to feel you, fuck Baby…” 

You whimpered and keened as your tight channel pulsed around his thick cock, squeezing him so tight it was like your body was pulling his own orgasm out of him. 

“I’m comin’ Baby,” he pressed into you deep and hard and you clung to him as he came undone, emptying himself into you. “I’m comin’, fuck, I’m comin’ so fucking hard, Goddamn…” 

He collapsed on top of you, his cock still twitching inside you. He couldn’t remember the last time he came that hard, felt quite that drained when he was done. His head rested on your chest, your heartbeat heavy against his cheek as your fingers trailed through his hair and his cock softened inside you. 

“Fuck,” he was still panting for breath when he pressed a kiss to your breast bone and slid from your body, the pain at his hip suddenly back with a vengeance, as he collapsed beside you. 

“We shouldn’t have done that,” you said quietly, turning your head to look at him. 

“Baby…” 

“We shouldn’t,” you said, your voice thick. “You’re hurt…” 

“Good think you’re a doctor.” 

You glared at him. 

“We just blew up our entire lives, Joel,” you said quietly, eyes wet. “I’m with Derek and I just fucked you because, what, you loved me once and felt bad letting me get shot in the QZ? This was stupid, this was so…” 

“No,” he shook his head. 

“No?” You raised your eyebrows at him. “No what?” 

“No to all of it,” he said. “I didn’t blow up a damn thing. I just finally was able to admit to myself that there isn’t anything to blow up without you, don’t want any of it without you.” 

“Joel…” 

“Been too scared of it all to admit that,” he pressed on. “But I can’t keep living like that, Baby. I can’t. And I don’t think you can, either.

“We’ve already wasted too much damn time,” he continued. “But I’m not wasting another minute of it, not when I could be with you. Not sayin’ there’s not shit to figure out - pretty sure we got a decade’s worth of it - but don’t ask me to waste more time. Please. Not when it comes to you.” 

Your eyes held his as you reached a hand forward and carefully, delicately, cupped his cheek, your thumb tracing his cheekbone. He brushed his lips against the inside of your wrist, feeling the flutter of your pulse against his mouth. 

“Think we can figure it out?” You asked. You sounded so uncertain, so afraid. 

Joel’s large hand covered your own, holding you against his chin. 

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “With you, think we can figure anything out.” 

[servingrobin]

Hihi, hope ur doing well😽 can I request nsfw alphabet for ussop pls and ty😸

Ahh my first Usopp request thank you!!! Love this sweet boy

✨requests open✨

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Will go with whatever you ask - you want a warm towel, cuddles and tea? All yours. You’d prefer a little kiss and sleep? Absolutely. Usopp is all about making you happy

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Under ‘boob guy’ in the dictionary would be a picture of Usopp - he loves all breasts, no matter what size, and would spend his life using them as pillows if you let him. Quite memorably did almost pass out the first time you took your shirt off in front of him.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Over your chest was the preference to start with, which eventually became covering your face and cheeky grin

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Accidently spied on you in the bath once - didn’t realise you were in there and almost walked in, took him a good few minutes to leave. It was way before you’d both gotten together and still featured in his wet dreams (specifically your breasts all soapy)

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Let’s be real this guy will tell you his body count is in the hundreds - but really has only ever kissed on girl and you will almost 100% be his first (esp pre ts) - you think it’s adorable

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Standard missionary, you feel so good wrapped around him and he loves being able to look down at you.

Also cowgirl for obvious tits in face reasons

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Was very serious at first but realised how much he adored your lusty giggles and suddenly it was a comedy show

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Black curls tightly nestled, trims it up but not religiously (they’re all pirates dunno what you guys are expecting)

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Very sweet and overly romantic, took one too many tips from Sanji seriously and now treats every occasion like prom

J = Jack off (masturbation)

Regular occurrence, especially before you got together, sees it as a bodily function like anything else

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Pulling on his hair drives him crazy, shibari (man can tie knots like a sailor given he is one), overstimulation, praise (giving and receiving),

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Reserved for the bed, Usopp thinks any time with you is sacred and doesn’t want even a chance of someone else seeing you like that

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Low cut tops do it for him, especially when you know you’ve got his attention - bending down in front of him, spilling water down your front, bikinis in the summer sun

Also: bright lipsticks, heels, a good shot, capable fighters, begging

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Degrading or humiliation, it’s just not for him, also anything public/exposed

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Usopp loves the taste of your pussy but definitely prefers receiving, especially if it comes with a titjob

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Slow and romantic is his vibe, will have you screaming for him with the slowest of thrusts

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Not the biggest fan of a quickie, likes to be able to show your body appreciation and love, but won’t say no if you fancy it

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Happy to try most things once, especially if you’re keen, anything involving other people is a no go though

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Fairly quick to cum but can go three-four rounds with ease before satisfied

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Anything that brings you pleasure - Usopp will try out new toys all the time and in more creative moments will also try making them

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Not a tease by nature, prefers mutual pleasure and extending that as long as possible

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Low grunts and whines in your ear, soft moans and whispered praise “good girl…. Taking it so well for me…. Such a pretty little thing on my cock.”

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Really wants to fuck in the water at least once, they’re surrounded by it every day he definitely wants to see you soaking wet, clothes sticking in all the right places, frosted nipples tenting out the fabric, while Usopp is swimming underneath you, cock thrusting up enthusiastically into you as you splash at him

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Exceedingly long but not too thick, easily kisses up against your cervix without really trying

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Wants you all the time, but not necessarily just sex. Just as desperate for sweet kisses and snuggled hugs

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Will make sure you’re happy and satisfied, then falls into a naturally light sleep, one arm slung over your waist

[eff4freddie]

After She Left | Five

Words: 6k

Preparations for Jackson's first ever prom are well underway, and even Ellie is helping out. As Jackson's only teacher it is, of course, your job to run the show and you'd be more than capable if one parent didn't keep distracting you.

Chapter warnings: Illusions to smut, slow burn, angsty memories of being a teenager, 'She' finally arrives. Minors DNI.

A/N: Ok, second act kicks off after this chapter. You'll get a glimpse of what that means now. Hope you enjoy!

Four | Series Masterlist | Six

Your dreams were changing. Used to waking with a chill, the echoes of loss and the face of your sister blurred in the grey clouds streaking across your dreamscape, you’d started to wake now with a warmth, a vein of light. You felt it on your skin like the first spring day out of a long, cold winter. You’d wake trying to grip its tail as it slipped from you.

The prom thing was your idea, and you only half regretted it. You’d had the idea when Isaiah had asked you what school for you was like, so fascinated by the before times, the kids trying hard to imagine classroom upon classroom filled with students all of the same age. You’d tried to explain that school wasn’t anything, really, that sometimes you didn’t even go because it was so boring, and they gawped at you, disbelieving. You felt a little sliver of shame at having wasted it, reminded yourself that was what you were supposed to do at age 14.

You’d mentioned prom, and there had been a ripple of interest throughout the room.

‘So, there was dancing? But it wasn’t the whole town, it was just you and your friends?’

‘Well, there were teachers and parents as chaperones, but…yeah, there were so many of us that it was just each grade. We got all dressed up, we had our picture taken, we had to choose dates.’

‘You went with a boy?’ Celina piped up from the front row, her nine-year-old face scandalised by the idea that you would willingly expose yourself to boy germs.

‘Yeah, well, some girls had boyfriends in their grade.’

‘Did you have a boyfriend?’ someone asked, the judgement almost silent, and you knew without looking that it was Ellie.

‘No, I didn’t. I had a crush on a boy, but it didn’t really…’

You remembered him, even now, an actual apocalypse not enough to erase the shame. You’d let your friends talk you into a promposal, standing in the bleachers as he ran track with an enormous sign that you’d spent far too many hours painting at your bestie’s kitchen table. It had heart-shaped glitter. You were especially proud of that detail.

You hadn’t realised that the entire track team would also see it, that you would need to specifically point him out in the crowd. Never had you imagined that he would dodge away from your finger, pretending to hide behind another boy, dodging your desire for him while his teammates laughed. It was enough to shrivel your heart into coal. You’re not sure you ever recovered.

You said none of that in your Jackson classroom. Instead, you focused on the decorations, that there was always a theme, that you heard the high school two towns over got Nelly Furtado to play live at theirs, but you weren’t convinced that was any more than an urban legend. They had no idea who Nelly Furtado was. You didn’t try to explain.

‘So can we have one?’ Mika asked, finally looking up from his comic book. You hadn’t thought he was paying attention.

‘A prom? Well, I’d have to talk to the town council.’

‘Tommy’s my uncle, I got an in,’ Ellie said, her face lighting up with the power of being connected, such nepotism so rare as the last vestiges of civilisation withered.

The kids grinned up at you, and you realised that maybe this was something they needed. Jackson already did Christmas, blew eggs, painted them with bees wax and dye from mashed beets and honey, and held a hunt on the first weekend of what the town council’s best guess was April. You could get the kids to decorate with paper flowers. It would be really cute to watch them decorate the mess hall, and there was probably some kind of educational value in it, too.

--

From his post, Joel watched Guillaume and Jonah, his new patrol partner, disappear into the treeline. He watched them, a little nugget of shame festering in the depths of his belly, but mostly – if he allowed himself to admit it – he was happy to have been moved to shifts on the wall. It meant he wasn’t back so late for Ellie, that he could be home to help with her homework or make her help him make dinner, and he didn’t feel so paranoid all the time when he could see the horizon. He didn’t mind the early starts, preferred the quiet up there, liked being able to turn and survey the town as much as the wilds outside it.

If he turned and leaned over a little, up on one foot on the top rung of the ladder, and leaned a little to the right he could make out the path heading up to the schoolhouse. When Billy asked him what he was doing, he explained he wanted to make sure his girl got to school OK. He generally, for the most part, broadly speaking, was referring to Ellie.

Tommy had been nice to enough not to give him shit for it, even after a bloody-nosed Guillaume took it upon himself to point out that Joel was a liability out there. Tommy had appeared on his doorstep the next morning, his brows crowding together, but Joel had spent most of the early morning on the wall, had imagined you lying in bed as he made sure to keep the nastiness away from you, and he was more ready than his little brother expected to hang up his boots.

‘M’getting older, Tommy, we talked about that,’ Joel reminded him, and Tommy nodded.

‘Still the best shot we got, and the best survivalist.’

‘Don’t mean I can’t advise if anyone asks it of me,’ he said. ‘S’not even that hard, just gotta keep your wits about ya.’ He thought for a long moment. ‘Maybe it’s gettin’ harder, now I think about it,’ he conceded.

‘Well, so long as you’re agreeable,’ Tommy said, shuffling awkwardly.

‘What would’ya have done if I wasn’t?’ Joel asked, a crooked grin forming on his face.

‘Would have taken you off patrol, but mighta felt a little bad about it,’ Tommy answered, earnest. Joel scoffed.

‘You’d pull rank, Town Councilman?’

‘Yes’sir, I would,’ Tommy said, no less earnest. Joel nodded at him.

‘Good,’ he affirmed, and saw the way Tommy expanded under the praise of his big brother. ‘You do what’s right for Jackson, always,’ Joel said, and Tommy agreed.

It was cold up there, though, the windchill on his face and his fingertips causing his whole body to tremor in his coat. It was Spring, but it was turning out to be a cold one, not a lot of warmth getting around the mountain. Joel shuffled his feet, trying to get the feeling back in his toes a little. He hadn’t brought his big coat, thinking the sun would be enough to keep him warm, but now that it was nearing the end of the day, the sun disappearing below the mountain ridge, he was counting every minute until he could clamber down and warm up.

He knew you’d be at his place already, working with Ellie at his kitchen table now that the heat had gone out of the day. He was going to try and make his beef stew tonight, had practically begged the kitchen staff to let him have a side of the meat. He hadn’t resorted to violence, but he would have.

He just wanted to thank you for everything you were doing for his daughter. Wanted to nourish your body the way you were nourishing her mind.

Billy called up to him from the bottom of the ladder. ‘Come on down, Joel, night shift’s here.’ Casting one last glance at the treeline, he vaulted down the ladder to rungs at a time.

--

You’d held a democratic process to determine the theme for the prom, but Ellie had dominated it anyway, either unfamiliar with, or just straight up unwilling to, compromise. As the day grew closer you gave up any pretence of tutoring her, working instead on cutting out yellow paper stars at Joel’s kitchen table.

‘Why does the moon change?’ Ellie asked, one day, and you’d paused for a second. You weren’t sure how bad FEDRA school was by the time she was in it, but that seemed fundamental.

‘Well, I mean, you know we’re a planet, right? That we’re like, a big round ball? Floating in the sky?’ Ellie levelled an impatient gaze at you, and you swallowed.

‘Do you think I’m an idiot?’ she asked, and you thought very hard and very fast.

‘I think you’re brilliant and FEDRA school is terrible,’ you said, diplomatically. She softened, her cheeks pinking up a little.

‘Can’t argue with you there,’ she said, quietly.

‘I mean, how much did they teach you about planets?’

‘Sweet fuck all,’ she said, plainly, and you wanted to tell her not to swear but she was in her own house, and it felt like the horse had bolted long ago in any case. ‘But I read about it as much as I can.’

‘The moon?’

‘All space… being that high up where nothing can, no-one up there who can…it’s just so cool. Were you alive when they landed on it?’

‘Ellie, that was the 60s,’ you complained, waiting for her to do the mental maths and wondering how old she thought you were, or if all adults were just ‘old’ to her, a kind of non-descript age in which you are both responsible for everything and also mere moments from shuffling off into death.

She stared at you blankly. ‘I wasn’t born for another like, twenty years,’ you said.

She nodded. ‘Oh.’

‘A lot of people didn’t even believe we really did land on the moon,’ you said. You picked up another piece of paper, your pile of stars nearly double the size of Ellie’s. She wasn’t being careful, her general distractedness was making her slow.

‘What? But wasn’t it on TV?’

‘Yes, it was, but they said it was faked.’ Her eyes blew wide at this, and you realised she was considering it. ‘Ellie, there’s no way it was faked. There are footprints up there that’ll be there forever.’

‘Guess we’ll never know, now,’ she said, quietly, and you suddenly wondered whether the space theme was such a good idea, after all, whether you were tormenting the kids with something they would never see, never have even the smallest chance to explore.’

‘Ellie…’ you said, but she wasn’t looking at you anymore, concentrating hard on her paper star.

‘It’s ok, it’ll be fun to pretend for the night,’ she said. ‘There’s a lot of pretending, won’t be too hard.’

You wanted to ask her what she meant, who she thought was pretending, but you heard heavy footsteps on the front porch and knew Joel was home. You felt your cheeks flush, your hands picking up a little tremble that make it hard to grip your scissors.

‘Hello, ladies,’ Joel said, and when you looked up, he was grinning at you both from the doorway, his hands criss-crossed over his chest as he leant on the frame. It was a domestic enough moment that you had to fight the impulse to go over to him and welcome him properly, into your arms. Ellie barely acknowledged him, because she was 14.

‘What are we making?’ he asked, picking up one of Ellie’s ‘stars’ and genuinely requiring clarification. You winced a little at it. Perhaps it could go towards the back.

‘Prom decorations,’ Ellie said, and she still seemed a little down. You watched her, carefully, trying to determine if she’d already lit her fuse.  

‘Oh, I won’t interrupt,’ Joel said, raising his hands, feeling something in the air. ‘You stayin’ to eat, Teach?’ he asked, and he hoped his voice didn’t make him sound too eager, didn’t give him away.

‘I don’t want to be a bother,’ you said, just like you always did.

‘Oh my God!’ Ellie sighed, throwing her star down in front of her and pushing her chair back. ‘Just say yes, you always end up staying anyway.’

‘Ellie!’ Joel barked at her, and she huffed, her shoulders so high they nearly touched her ears.

‘It’s true, you guys do all this polite bullshit and for what? Just say what you want and then you can get it. It’s not so hard.’

You looked over at Joel, who was staring at his likely hormonal teenager with a perplexed look on his face. You took a second to gather yourself.

‘I would love to stay for dinner, Joel, but one of these days I want you to let me cook for you both.’

Joel paused, considering this. Eyes still on Ellie, who was still quietly fuming, he nodded his head, once. ‘I would like that, Teach,’ he said, his careful tone that of every bewildered teenage-girl-Dad the world over. ‘Ellie, I want you to go wash up before dinner, then I want you to peel the carrots.’

She stood up, stomping to the washroom. You concentrated hard on the paper in your hands, hoping it was enough to stifle your smile.

‘I want to know what the fuck that was about,’ Joel said to you, but smiling.

‘I want to remind you there’s nothing worse than being a teenage girl,’ you replied.

--

You stood, wobbling on the end of a step ladder, hanging up the stars. Tommy found some string lights and put them up around the mess hall, and Johnny and his assembly of post-apocalyptic musicians set up in the corner. You and Tommy had already pushed all the tables back against the wall to make a dance floor. As you worked, he regaled you with his favourite memories of his own prom, most of which seemed to involve trying to get up the skirt of someone called Tammy Schmidt. She’d never let him anywhere near her, and you told Tommy to his face she was right to do it.

‘You would have been Tommy and Tammy,’ you said, and he started to giggle. Actually giggle.

‘That was the appeal!’ he said, sheepish. ‘I figured it sounded like those made-up celebrity names.’

‘Brangelina,’ you said, and he grinned.

‘Tomammy,’ he replied, and you rolled your eyes.

After everything was set up you went home to get dressed, pulling out a little black number foraged from the bottom of Maria’s wardrobe. She had complained she was never going to get back into it, and you had waved her off. It made you feel silly and out of place and pretty and ridiculous, and you liked the way it swished when you walked. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d swished anywhere. It felt so normal you weren’t sure you could trust it.

When you arrived back at the mess hall the lights had been dimmed, and Johnny and his band were starting to warm up. With the lights down and the paper streamers and stars you could forget for a moment it wasn’t a normal prom, a real one. You felt a surge of pride in your belly, looked around at the tangible good.

You heard the doors to the mess hall swing open, followed by shrieks and laughter and multiple sets of rapidly advancing feet.

‘Oh my god it’s so amazing!’ Mika said, his face illuminated by the warm glow of the string lights, of the smile stretching his cheeks.

‘This is cool,’ Dina said, quietly, up the back, and you grinned. Something in you, some teenage part of you, was quietly relieved.

More kids arrived, some trailed by their parents, and you busied yourself setting up the orange juice and cola station. The kitchen had done little sandwiches and finger food and you wanted to make sure the kids ate, worried you’d send them home on empty stomachs and sugar pinging through their veins. That their parents would never forgive you, and that they would be right.

As soon as the band started up you stepped back, letting the kids swarm the plates and start to dance. You wanted to join them but you also felt a pull back to the edge of the room, kept thinking you were seeing snatches of your sister in the half-light, of you as a girl. You weren’t sure what the feeling was, some kind of melancholic nostalgia, some kind of longing for something that didn’t make sense to you. You’d never even liked prom that much, had mostly just gone because everyone else was. But it was different seeing one from the other side: from the other side of adolescences, from the other side of the end of the world. It felt precious and sad and joyful, and you weren’t sure if you wanted to turn away from it or bottle it up and store it safe under the bed.

You kept wondering if this was what your 14-year-old self ever envisioned for herself, if she could have envisioned anything so apocalyptic at all.

The doors swung open again, and you exhaled the breath you didn’t realise you were holding when Ellie strode in, almost skipping, her face titled up to the ceiling to see all her decorations hanging in the rafters. ‘Holy shit!’ you heard her exclaim, and you cringed a little, trying to avoid the eyes of the parents. You would have to speak to her about that, eventually.

You turned to pour yourself a juice, the acid tingling at the back of your teeth, before you heard heavy footsteps behind you, even over the thrum of the music and of Ellie grabbing Mika and swinging him around the dancefloor.

‘Hey, Teach,’ Joel said, his baritone rumbling out from his chest. You suppressed a shiver.

‘Joel,’ you turned to him, allowing the surprise to show on your face. ‘What are you doing here?’ You were ignoring that he was standing in black suit pants and a white shirt, unbuttoned at the neck, maybe a size too big, you couldn’t be sure. He’d done his hair, or had made an attempt at it, maybe running water through it and in the humidity of the room it had started to curl. You were alarmed at how distinctly you wanted to lean forward and sink your teeth into his neck, to lave at the skin there, to feel his pulse with your tongue.

You swallowed, the juice catching in your throat and making you splutter. Suddenly Joel was beside you, an enormous warm hand between your shoulder blades as you fought, doubled over, for breath.

‘Easy, easy,’ he was saying, and you wanted to slam your eyes shut and imagine him whispering exactly that as he slid inside you, as he rocked into you and felt your cunt quiver around his length. Jesus Christ, you were going to spontaneously combust.

‘Sorry, went down the wrong hole,’ you said, fluttering your hand in front of your face in the hope it would ward him off somewhat. As you straightened, he let his hand slide down your spine and away just as he reached the small of your back, and you felt your spine arch towards where his touch had been.

Fucks sake, you needed to get it together. You were like some horny teenager at, well, prom.

‘Tommy had something he needed to do at home, something with the baby.’

‘Is he OK? Is Maria Ok?’

‘Yeah, they’re fine, the baby just has a sniffle and I believe Maria’s exact words were “you’re not going out there to watch teenagers marinate in their hormones while I sit at home being snotted on by your crotch fruit”.’

You gaped at him. ‘Maria did not say crotch fruit.’

‘Might have put my spin on that bit,’ Joel said, grinning.

For his part, Joel was watching your eyes so that he wouldn’t look down at your dress, a little black flitty number that came up to your knees and down close enough on your chest that when you leant over trying to get your breath he had to move away to resist the urge to stare at the swell of your breasts, instead coming to stand beside you and placing his hand on your back just to try and keep himself standing. You were so fuckin’ pretty, done your hair all up nice. He wanted to swivel you around, tuck you into his chest and nibble on the nape of your neck, put his nose in your hair and inhale as he flipped that silly little skirt over your rear, letting one hand wonder over your cheeks as he slid further down, cupping and probing, into the slick between your legs.

Christ on a cracker, he needed to get it together. He was behaving like Tommy at, well, prom.

‘Place looks great,’ he said, his voice slightly strangled. You gazed up at him, taking a second to comprehend his words.

‘Thanks, Ellie did amazing work with the stars,’ you said, and you knew he knew you were lying, and you also knew he was a good enough Dad that he was going to let you get away with it.

‘She certainly has her own style,’ Joel replied, eyeing one particularly wonky cutout you had strategically placed in a dark corner.

You turned to watch the kids dance, Ellie’s hair bouncing around her face as she twisted her hips, holding Mika’s hand as she did.

‘She’s really gravitated towards him,’ you commented, and you looked over at Joel just in time to see a cloud pass over his face.

‘He probably reminds her of…’ he said, but then he trailed off, recalibrated. ‘He’s a sweet kid, so it makes sense,’ he finished.

‘Oh, speaking of sweet, Billy loves having you on the wall,’ you said, smiling at him and watching him blush.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked, and you swore you could see genuine anxiety on his face.

‘Big Bad Joel Miller helping out? Billy getting to tell you what to do? He’s like a pig in shit.’

Joel could feel the heat on his cheeks and was powerless to stop it. ‘Big Bad Joel Miller,’ he echoed, feeling the words on his tongue, seeing how they tasted. ‘Not sure about that.’

‘You must know there are stories,’ you said, leaning into him a little, goading him a little, wanting to see if you could get him to crack and tell you something about himself.

‘Don’t pay any of that much mind,’ he said. ‘Don’t reckon any of ‘em are close to the truth.’

‘Well, no they can’t be,’ you agreed, quickly, feeling like the conversation was slipping from you and not really knowing why.

‘Not sure there are words for some of the shit I’ve…seen,’ he said, and he saw the shift in your face, the shock before you covered it, and he knew that he’d scared you a little, but there were things he didn’t want to talk about, shit that he’d had to do to get Ellie here, to get her to be able to forget the cost of it all. Big Bad Joel Miller. No one had any fucking clue.

He looked over at you, at the way you had sunk into yourself, and he cursed himself. You were too sweet, too warm, and he’d gone and thrown a wet rag on your fire. If you knew about him you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him. He took a step back, too. You’d made him forget for a second, that he was no good to anyone. Especially not to someone like you.

You were lost in your thoughts, watching the kids again but not really seeing. It wasn’t even what Joel had said, although you felt the way he was pushing you away, and you went willingly. It was that as he spoke you realised, finally realised, what the feeling was that had been pulling at you all night.

You were fucking lonely. 14-year-old you might have been OK with the QZ stuff, with what you had to do to survive, with keeping your sister alive along as you could, with making sure her death meant something, even just until they cleared her body away. 14-year-old you might have even been OK with the teaching, although that would take some convincing. But the fact that you were alone, that you were nearing 40 and hadn’t ever really loved anyone other than your family, hadn’t ever really had anyone love you. OK, so you hadn’t married Jonathan Taylor Thomas, in the circumstances maybe for that you got a pass. But that you weren’t with anyone, that you had wanted love for yourself and never got it, that you had wanted to belong in that most specific way and you hadn’t, hadn’t ever really come home. 14-year-old you was screaming and howling and gnashing her teeth. You’d failed her, failed the both of you.

You were horrified to feel a tightness across your throat, the heat building behind your eyes. You needed to get away from all these people, needed to go and pity yourself in peace.

‘I just need some air,’ you said, barely above a whisper, pushing past Joel with your face turned away lest he see your eyes growing redder and wetter by the second.

‘Teach…’ he called after you, but you were gone, heading straight to the door, not seeing Ellie turn to follow Joel’s voice, to see you making a break for it, turning back to him with her hands in the air.

Joel felt his stomach drop, staring back at Ellie with panic written all over his face.

‘What did you do?’ she mouthed to him, and he shrugged, helpless. He’d pushed you away, had shut you down, had been rude and cruel and cold. But he had no idea how to mouth that to his teenage daughter across a dance floor. ‘GO AFTER HER’ Ellie whisper-screamed at him, and it jolted him, got his feet moving before he’d even given it another thought.

You were standing under the awning a couple of paces from the door, leaning on the railing and sucking in the chill of the air. You realised when you heard the door swing open that you’d cornered yourself, cursed yourself for getting all your years in the QZ.

‘Teach,’ he said, and you hung your head. ‘M’sorry, I didn’t mean to…’

‘Wasn’t you, wasn’t that, I just…I needed to breathe for a second.’

Joel paused, watching the way your shoulders rose and fell, sharp and insistent, as you gathered yourself.

He took a step forward towards you, saw the way you flinched and turned away, and stopped, deciding instead to sit on the steps, giving you space but not too much, distance but enough that he could reach out for you if you wanted him to.

‘I did a lot of things to get here,’ he said, after a while. The hair stood up on the back of your neck. ‘I ain’t ashamed of ‘em, I’d do ‘em all again to keep her safe, you understand?’ he asked, and you nodded, still with your back half-turned. ‘Never regretted getting her here, both of us, to safety and to family.’ You nodded again. You knew all of this, had lived all of this, but you didn’t stop him, couldn’t turn to look at him, just let him talk because you couldn’t think of a single thing to say. ‘What bothers me, Teach, is that Big Bad Joel Miller might be too old to do ‘em again.’

You felt a pull towards him, turned your body to peer at his face. He was staring down main street, avoiding looking at you, too.

‘What if I can’t keep her safe?’ he asked, almost to himself. You swallowed, moving towards him, sucked into his gravitational pull. As you sank down beside him on the step, he shuffled to make room for you, but you didn’t want distance, leaning further over so that your shoulders touched. He was so warm even in the chill of the night. You wanted him to take your hands and blow warm breath onto them, smile and put them on his chest to warm them even though the cold of your skin stung him.

‘She’s so capable, Joel,’ you said. ‘You did that. She’ll keep herself safe, soon.’

‘She’s just a kid,’ Joel said, but he wasn’t attacking, just stating a fact.

‘I wasn’t much older on outbreak day,’ you said, simply.

‘Lotsa girls her age weren’t so lucky,’ he replied, quiet.

Blood smattered all over a pink and purple tee-shirt. Curls caked in blood and mud. He swallowed.

‘I know that,’ you said, after a while. Joel watched your face. He saw that it was true, that you knew.

‘S’what was it, if it wasn’t me being so rude to ya?’ he asked, after a long silence that would have made his bones itch if he’d been sharing it with anyone else but you. You shied away a little, and he watched as you started to recede. ‘Hey,’ he said, reprising the conversation from the night at the kitchen table. ‘I want you to tell me what’s up,’ he said, and you smiled, faintly, recognising what he was doing.

‘Prom, I guess. Memories. I don’t know.’ You paused, tried to form the words. ‘It’s all about promise, isn’t it, being a kid and being in high school and doing all of these…rites of passages. There’s an assumption about how things will go. We all make ‘em, made ‘em. Guess it’s hard when they didn’t come true.’

Joel nodded. He wanted to pull you into his lap and rock you, gentle and soft in the night, feel your warm breath on his neck as you pushed your fingertips through the buttonholes of his shirt.

‘Most of the time I’m OK,’ you went on, trying to repair it, slink back under your shell, your slimy snail body suddenly exposed to the elements.

‘Everyone’s OK til they ain’t.’ Joel said. He turned to look at you, swivelled his body to yours so that your knees rested against his. His eyes were so deep and dark in the streetlights, his brows saddled as he petitioned you. ‘I don’t mind it, Teach. You can be all of it with me.’

You felt your heart gallop in your chest, heat suddenly in your belly.

‘So can you, Big Bad Joel Miller,’ you told him, smiling but earnest, wanting him to believe it was true. ‘I’ll take whatever you got,’ you said.

There was a moment, Joel knew, when he could pull back from it. That this was that moment, when he could turn away from you, could crack a joke or make some excuse to head back inside. Could get up and bolt for the gate, swing it open and face whatever demons were out in the darkness so as not to have to face his own. He knew this was the moment of no return, for him.

He looked down at your lips, painted red for prom and so soft, so plump. Your skin soft and glowing so gently in the light. How many more times was he going to have to resist you by porchlight? How many times could he?

‘Joel…’ you whispered, edging yourself closer to him, leaning in without even really thinking about it, watching him mirror you and Joel knew the moment had passed, that your little whimper of his name was branded on his chest, that he would parade it around town for you, would bare it to anyone who wanted to lay their claim.

Your hair was soft, so soft, in his palms as he pulled you into him, his lips crashing into yours, your mouth opening to welcome him, tongue dancing across his. He groaned, from deep down in his belly, for the want of it, for the way his tummy flipped at his first taste of you.

You were pretty sure you were dead. It was the only explanation. But if this was heaven then so fucking be it, because Joel was cupping your face in his hands, and his kiss was insistent and gentle and he was guiding you through it, teasing you open as you felt the hinge of your jaw creak under the pressure of your want for him. You weren’t sure you were breathing. You weren’t sure you cared.

He was pulling you closer, wrapping his arms around your back and pulling you into him, the weird angle meaning both sets of knees were in the way. You considered vaulting over the top of him, riding him on the steps of the mess hall while a bunch of teenagers supposedly under your charge danced under paper stars, but you had the wherewithal to hold back, to pry yourself from him, to lean your forehead on his and catch your breath.

Granted, you didn’t have a lot of experience. But you’d never had a kiss that felt like that.

‘Teach,’ Joel said, so quiet and just for you, and you could hear that he was out of breath, that his chest was heaving, that he was fighting it back just as hard as you. He lifted his head and gazed at you, the look of naked desire on his face such that you wanted it to be photographed, painted, hung in a gallery and studied by future generations.

Then, alarms. And yes, you thought, that felt about right. Everything had just shifted off its axis, after all, it made sense that the universe was now screaming.

Except it sounded weirdly familiar. Kind of like the one that you pulled when there was a problem at the gate.

You turned your head down main street as you saw the flood lights come on. You were up, Joel just behind you, as you and your little swishy dress headed towards it, front doors ripping open around you, men and women pulling on jackets over their pyjamas, arming themselves for war.

‘State your business!’ you heard Billy yell from the top of the gate, his rifle trained at a hard angle just beneath him. Jesus, they were close, you realised. Nearly right up on the iron.

You couldn’t hear the reply, vaulting up the ladder without thinking, without a weapon, leaving Joel to defend the gate.

‘State your business!’ Billy called again, and you came up beside him, peeping over the edge to report back on what you could see. There were three of them, that you could see from here. You scanned the treeline, the floodlights turning the trees into fingers scratching harsh at the night sky.

‘Where they come from, Billy?’ you asked, and he gestured with his head over to the right. You picked up the binoculars and scanned.

‘Can’t see any others,’ you reported back, going to the other side and holding up three fingers to the crowd.

‘We’re just passing through,’ the man called back, ‘saw your lights and thought…we’re injured.’

‘Injured how?’ Billy called. You could hear murmuring beneath you, a plan being hatched.

‘One of us is a woman. We were ambushed. They took everything we have, nearly took her but she got away.’

You peered down over the gate, could see that a woman was indeed holding her arm in a sling, her face pale. She was wavering, like she was ready to collapse.

You heard footsteps on the ladder, felt it sway the wall as Tommy appeared beside you.

‘Whatdya reckon?’ he asked you, his eyes focussed but his breath coming in short and fast.

‘They’re telling the truth so far,’ you said, ‘best I can tell.’

You stepped out of the way, Tommy taking your place at the wall while Billy stayed fixed, his gun unwavering from the strangers.

You heard a gasp, a kind of choking shock. ‘No fucking way,’ Tommy said, and you peered over his shoulder again, trying to figure out what he could see. ‘Shauna?’ he called down, the woman’s face snapping up to him, a shaky hand covering her eyes to make him out.

‘Tommy?’ she asked, as though she was dead and found herself at the gates of heaven, surprisingly less gilded than expected. You swallowed, saw Billy’s hold on the gun waver.

‘Open the gates!’ Tommy called, before turning back to the strangers. ‘Hands up and come forward slowly, I’ll meet you there.’

‘Who is that, Tommy?’ you asked him, grabbing at him as he made to hurry past.

‘It’s Shauna,’ he said, his face pale and disbelieving. ‘Where’s Joel?’

‘Who the fuck is Shauna?’ you asked, every nerve ending screaming.

‘She’s Sarah’s mom,’ he said, before he disappeared down the ladder, calling for Joel as he went.

‘Who the fuck is Sarah?’ Billy said to you, his gun lowered but eyeballing the group all the same.

You had no idea.

Taglist (let me know if you want to be on it)

@harriedandharassed

@vickie5446

@kaseyconnour

@orcasoul

@missladym1981

@spacesoutdaydreamer

@tangled-tumbler-blog-blog

@fancyyoouu

@anoverwhelmingdin

[bettyfrommars]

Ring of Fire

a biker!Steve au

Part 3: The Runaway

Masterlist

18+Only, adult themes, mention of an abusive relationship, mention of cheating (not on reader), mention of violence, alcohol consumption, yearning, reader uses she/they pronouns, it's the late 90's, but also time doesn't really exist in Hawkeye. Platonic Stobin Forever, biker!Hopper, and biker!Eddie. Reader has very specific skills and backstory that verges on OC.

Word Count: 5.4k Playlist

A/N: I was going to call this a very self-indulgent chapter, but they all are, lmao. This is my love letter to biker Steve and my yearning to go to one of Hopper's barbecues with the rest of the gang. There will be a future wlw relationship for Robin with a woman worthy of her love, and we'll see more of Wayne in the next part. Trying to decide if I should give biker Eddie someone too, but for now, we have this. I love those of you who have decided to join me in this world, truly. Also, the playlist is a work in progress, and if you stumble upon a song that makes you think of biker Steve, or this story in general, please let me know!

-----

Groaning as he rolled over in bed to face the green numbers on his digital alarm clock, Steve felt a strange satisfaction at the fact that he hadn't tossed and turned all night.  Thumbing sleep from his eyes, he felt around the nightstand, and cursed under his breath to note that it was barely daybreak, and he was out of smokes. He knew the gas station would be open, and then immediately wondered if you would be there.

He tried to blink the thought away, desperate not to make thinking about you first thing in the morning a habit.  Habits like that were hard for him to break once things inevitably went to shit.

On his back, he stared at the ceiling, recalling bits of a dream that were still floating behind his eyes.  The images of the family he kept having were so vivid, he expected to roll over and hold the woman next to him and call her his wife, but that side of the bed had not been warm in years. He’d never had the urge to marry, and he certainly didn’t have any children.  But when he slept? It was as if he lived a double life. Tears built on his lash line at the memory of one of the young girls holding his leg and calling him daddy, it made him shoot up into a sitting position with a jolt.  

“Shake it off, Harrington,” he mumbled to himself.  

Hissing at a sudden sharp pain in his knee, he made his way to the kitchen in his polka dot boxers, scratching his head with a yawn.  Robin had been staying with him for a few months after her breakup, and it was the happiest he’d been in a while. There used to be dishes piled up in the sink, but now there was nothing but a single Chinese takeout container on the kitchen table and a pot on the stove with Velveeta cheese caked to the insides.  

He’d thought about getting a smaller place or another roommate, but the rent Eddie was charging him was dirt cheap, and he’d surprised himself with how much he liked taking care of the yard and the domesticity of it all.  He only wished he had someone to share it with.

The first thing he did was turn on the tiny 6-inch, countertop television near the toaster so that there could be some noise; the early morning silence was deafening, it made him uneasy.  The only thing showing on all four channels was the news, announcing more rain over the weekend.  One newscaster was talking about a rash of women disappearing around Hawkeye, but the murmuring was low, and he was busy searching around for the sustenance he needed to start his day.   

He used the French press that was already there when he moved in to make coffee, and when he opened the fridge to get the milk, there was your dish of lasagna.  Clear blue Pyrex dish staring him in the face, just one more reminder. 

It made him feel warm for a second, as if you were also in the house somewhere.  Like maybe you’d come around the corner and slip your arms around him from behind.  

He pulled back the tin foil cover to be reminded that there was only a slice left in the corner since he’d been eating it for practically every meal the past three days.  

He hadn’t set eyes on you in just as long, since the protection run with the Kings got pushed back a day and he had to cancel on his plans to pick you up and go for a ride.  

It was all for the best, really.  He wondered if it was too soon to show you what he had in mind.

But he promised he’d return the dish to you, and he needed cigarettes.

Was there a way to ask for your schedule without sounding like a stalker?

Eh, probably not.

The wall phone rang and he scratched his balls through his boxers on his way over to answer it.  He’d shaved down there just to see what it would look like, but the new growth itched like a motherfucker.  Even though it did make his dick look bigger, he’d decided to never get a sharp object so close to his sack ever again.  Unless, maybe, you were into that sort of thing.  

“Yeah? This ‘s Steve.”

It was Robin letting him know that she’d broken up with her live-in girlfriend yet again, and needed him to come and pick her up.

“You never should’ve gone and done that again, I told you,” he ran a rough hand down his face.

“I don’t need that from you right now,” she sniffed, speaking in a strained whisper.  Her voice was raspy, and she hiccupped to hold back a sob.  

This was the second time she’d tried to make things work with the newest one, Nicole or Nikelle or some shit.  They’d decided to move in together a week after they met, and the last few months had been emotional turmoil.  She hated her, she loved her, and then she hated her again.

Steve hoped that this time it stuck so that he could have his roommate back.  He got busy doing the dishes and cleaning up, whistling while he worked. 

“I’ll pull your sheets out of the closet,” he told her. “Be there to pick you up in twenty minutes.”

—---

“Your precious Steve is here,” Nic spat, pushing the curtain back to eye the truck pulling up to the curb.  “I suppose you told him this was all my fault?”

“I haven’t told him anything,” Robin sighed, frowning into her bag, shoving her last few belongings in.  “But I’m not the one who cheated again, am I?”

She swallowed, aching to explode, but not wanting to give her newly appointed ex the satisfaction of another tear or argument.

“Hey,” Nic took hold of her elbow, pinning her with an earnest look.  Her complexion was olive, her thick black hair buzzed short, and the bright green of her irises had a long track record of melting Robin into submission.  “You can’t hold that against me, you know I can’t help it.”

Robin scoffed, jerking out of her grasp .  “You know, I can’t believe I fell for that a second time.”

Steve was halfway up the sidewalk when Robin shuffled out of the door wearing a backpack, and carrying too big duffle bags that had clothes spilling out of the open zippers.  

“Get me out of here, “ she groaned, letting him take one of the bags from her to help.  

He caught Nic’s stare through the kitchen window and she flipped him off.  He mirrored the gesture with a wide, fake grin, hoping he’d never have to see her face again.  

Robin slid the blue Pyrex dish over while she scooted in to throw her stuff behind the seat in the extended cab.

“What’s this?” 

Steve got behind the wheel and gave a curious grunt as if he wasn’t sure.  “That’s, um, you remember when she brought the lasagna.”

Robin’s tired, puffy eyes lit up for a second.  “Interesting. You finally going to ask her out when you give it back?”

“Was thinking about it,” he put it in gear and peeled away, tires spitting gravel and dust.  He pushed the sleeves of his flannel up.  “There’s that party at Hopper’s place tonight.”

Robin sat ridgid, but her shoulders started to relax the further they got down the road. She rolled her eyes. “You’re going to invite her to a biker party as a first date? I’m sure you could do better.  What about that Italian place?”

He agreed with the sentiment, but to be completely honest, he was nervous as shit to be alone with you.  He didn’t get that way with everyone, but his heart fell out his ass with nerves every time he imagined what he’d say when he had you all to himself.  

“I guess it’s not a bad idea,” she shrugged.  “Casual, no pressure.  Better than getting stuck on an awkward, uptight dinner date.”

“I really want to take her to the old Danvers place.”

Robin twisted in her seat to stare at his profile.  “You sure she could handle that?”

“Dunno,” he got on the ramp to the freeway, rolling down his window as he went.  “But I think she’s got secrets too.”

—-----

You stood behind the worn, yellowed countertop at work that morning selling smokes and gatorade and snacks for weary workers and travelers.  A woman brought a batch of fresh sandwiches wrapped in cellophane and chocolate chip cookies every day, and they always sold out fast, so you set a turkey on wheat aside for later.  

Earlier, you’d stood at the sink in your apartment with a razor in your hand, considering shaving all of the hair off of your head.  Once the moment passed, you just stared at the blade for a long while, turning it over in your hand, wondering about its other uses.

A group of teenagers on their high school lunch break came through buying chips and beef jerky and soda to the tune of The Plimsouls singing A Million Miles Away, and while you were busy counting the loose change they paid with, you didn’t look up when the bell over the door chimed.  

You were just closing the register after the last kid when your pyrex slid into view.

He thought about leaving it further down on the counter with a note for you to find later, but then he told himself to not act like a fourteen year old.  Would you like to go on a date with me? Please check yes or no.

He had his wayfarer sunglasses on, showcasing the simplicity of a white Hanes tee, fresh pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeve like an old-time greaser, and worn jeans with a hole in one knee. The rolled up sleeve revealed more of the tattoo on his bicep; it looked like traditional Sailor Jerry ink, but you couldn’t tell what.  He worked a piece of pink gum in his mouth, grinding it in his front teeth, but he didn’t say anything, he just moved the dish closer.

“Is this a robbery?” You adjusted your shirt, wondering if you looked okay.  

He cocked an eyebrow high and held it there.  “That’s right, put all the money in the dish and no one will get hurt.”

You gave a soft snort, tucking your chin to stifle a grin.

Pushing his sunglasses up into his hair to show that he had a clear sunburn line on his cheeks, he checked around the room as if it were illegal for the two of you to be talking.  Scratching his chest with the LOVE hand you noticed the motor oil stained in the creases of his knuckles.

“So, um, if you’re free tonight and you get bored or something, there’s a party, at a place out near the lake,” he paused, trying to gauge the blank expression on your face.  “I know the guy, he’s a friend of mine. Hopper, from the other night at the Blue Light.  There will be plenty of booze, he’s got a pool.  Burgers and shit.  Just a few friends but I dunno, it might be fun.”

He closed his eyes for a beat, worried he was talking way too fast.  He cupped his hands on the edge of the counter, exposing the muscles and veins on the underside of his forearms.  “Unless you have plans or something.  Thought I’d invite you cause you’re new in town and all, but if you’re busy, I get it.”

“I’m not busy,” you were quick to respond the second he gave you the chance. After he had to cancel the last time he wanted to take you somewhere, you wondered if he would ever try again.  A grandfatherly gentleman came through the door and you greeted him while he shuffled over to the coffee station.

 “Are you going?”

He made a fist and pounded the side of it lightly on the counter a few times.  “Yeah, I was thinking about stopping by to check it out.  If you want, you know, I could pick you up or something.”

Steve moved aside so that you could take the money for the older customer’s big styrofoam cup of cream and sugar coffee.

You put the quarters in the cash register with a metal clatter as you spoke.  “I think I might take my own car,” your eyes flicked to him and then down again.  “You know, just in case I hate it.”

“No, that's smart. I’lll take my own vehicle too, and then we can, you know, meet there.”

He heard how stupid the words were when they left his mouth, but it was too late.  He took the pack of reds out of his sleeve and squashed it open to pluck out a smoke to put between his lips.  

He didn’t light it, but he kept it pinned there, bobbing as he spoke. “You got a piece of paper?”

He took a pen from the collection at his elbow, and you ripped off a piece of cash register tape so that he could jot down the address to the place.

“It’s real easy.  Once you get to the end of the road, go left, and it will be about a mile down on your right.  Red mailbox, the house is tucked in the trees.” He straightened to look at what he’d written, and then bent down again to keep the pen going.  “This is my number just in case.”

The side of your mouth jerked up in a smile while you watched his profile.  “What time should I be there?”

He rolled the cigarette from one side of his mouth to the other and capped the pen.  “Whenever. Around 6 or 7 if you wanna eat, but I’m sure the party will go on until late.”

“You can bring a friend if you want,” he added, praying you didn’t show up with another dude.

“I don’t have any friends,” you kept your eyes on the paper as you pulled it toward you, chuckling softly.

“That’s not true,” he turned away as he said it.  “You’ve got me.”

—-------

You thought you were lost at one point, winding through the old highway through the cornfields, but the second you found the fork in the road, you knew exactly where you were.  You hated that you’d spent almost two hours throwing clothes around your apartment trying to decide what to wear.

“He’s just some dude,” you mumbled to yourself, fixing your hair in the mirror.  “It’s nothing to get all nervous about.”

You took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “It’s just a lame barbecue, nothing to get worked up about.  He’s a friend from school, that’s all.”

But, was that all?  

You had a blue and green stained glass bird hanging in one of the small windows, right above a trio of succulents in various planters, and you made sure to sprinkle a rare dose of water on them before you left. 

You got all the way down to your car, realized you hated the shoes you had on, and went back up to change them.  Donna eventually came out to ask you where you were going, not that it was any of her business.

“To a friend's house,” is what  you appeased her with, feeling that it would be wrong to ignore your boss, even if she had no right to ask..  

Hopper’s place was a brown and tan double wide surrounded with trees with an above ground pool out back, through the carport.  The grill was back there too, and a bunch of friends downing beers in camp chairs.  He’d gone over to the motel to invite Lorelei, but she was leaving on an out of town date with a regular that night, and a part of him wished he’d never known that.  Now, he’d have to drink away how worried he’d be for her to make it home safe.  

Or maybe he’d stay relatively sober, just in case she called.

He turned from the grill to catch his reflection in the living room window, rubbing a hand over the short beard there under the smoldering cigarette between his lips.  He muttered out loud to himself that he needed to get a fucking haircut soon since it was long enough to tuck behind his ears.  

“Sorry man,” Steve brushed by on his way around the house again.

“Hey Taz,” Hopper called after him, making Steve spin around, the heel of his Converse digging into the grass.  “Why the hell are you so fidgety tonight? Have another beer, sit the fuck down.  I’m gonna shove this burger down your throat in a minute.”

Steve raked a hand through his hair a few times, exhaling a ragged breath.  This was only his third or fourth time going around front to see if he could get a view of your car coming down the road, but for some reason, Hopper was keeping track.  

Steve wondered if it was wrong that he wanted to hug you when you showed up.   

He moved his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing there.  “I told you I got that friend that might be coming. Wanted to make sure she didn’t miss the turn.”

Hopper brought his attention back to the food, letting the ash from his smoke dust the front of his Magnum P.I. tropical shirt as he spoke. “What if she doesn’t show, what then?”

“Won’t matter to me,” Steve shrugged, hooking his thumbs into his belt loops. “I need to get the other cooler out of my truck anyway.”  

He kept on his way before Hopper could say another word.  

An hour, a burger, some potato salad, and several beers later, there was still no sign of you.  A few people bobbed around in the pool as dusk bloomed on the horizon, while the rest settled in a circle around the campfire to the tune of Wild One by Thin Lizzy.

He was staring at the fire, thinking about getting up for a third beer, when he heard the distinct crunch of  tires rolling up to the gravel of the driveway from the main road.

—----

You turned down the radio, taking a few calming breaths.

He’s just a stupid boy…you reminded yourself, pulling in near the red mailbox to park behind two Harley Davidson Fatboys.  Steve’s truck was parked further up the road, away from the house, to give others more room to park, you assumed.  Hopper drove a Bronco, as well as his Harley Softail, and there were two other vehicles you didn’t recognize. 

Several tiki torches lined the way to the back of the home while the sunset blazed tangerine.  You hadn’t even turned the engine off yet when you saw Steve appear at a slow jog, waving as if to assure you that you were at the right place.  

Your heart tripped over itself at the sight of him, and you gave a quick glance to the rearview mirror to check your face. He waited for you to open the door and step one foot out before he asked if you needed a hand.  

“I brought beer,” there was a 12 pack Schlitz on the front seat from the mini mart.  A last minute choice since you’d forgotten to ask if you needed to bring anything. Steve stood holding the door open while you stretched over to grab it.  He saw the way your shirt creeped up to show some skin on your hip, but then she quickly averted his eyes.

“Wasn’t sure you were gonna make it,” he took the case of beer from you as you stood.  “Saved you some food if you’re hungry.”

Shouts and splashes echoed from the pool after it sounded like someone did a belly flop.  Steve had on a nice, button down, grass green shirt with what looked like newer blue jeans.  Had he just bought them that day? You liked the way the shirt was unbuttoned a few so that his messy patch of chest hair was on full display.  That was the most “dressed up” you’d ever seen him.  

“Think you might want to go for a swim?” He carried the case under his arm like it didn’t weigh a thing.

The question flustered you.  “I didn’t bring a bathing suit.”

He smelled really good, not like strong cologne or anything but just clean and spicy and…soft.  Like maybe you could bite into his flesh and honey would come out. 

Most of the 12 or 14 other people at the party there were too tipsy and too busy deep in their own conversation to really care or notice when the two of you came around the corner.  Hopper looked up from his chair across the fire, exhaling smoke from his cigar.  It was a big, circular fire pit made of stone, and you had the feeling he made it himself.  

There was an empty seat you assumed was Steve’s, and next to it was a younger kid with thick sideburns and a PROSPECT insignia on the back of his Coffin King’s leather.  

Still holding the beer, Steve kicked the aluminum legs of the young man’s chair. “Get up.”

The guy snapped his head to see who it was and was quick to stand.  You had your mouth open to protest taking someone else’s seat, but the guy was already off to find another one.

“I’m gonna go put these in the fridge,” Steve said.  “You want beer or–?”

“Got any whiskey?” You could feel Hopper’s eyes on you.

“Coming right up,” he replied, squeezing your shoulder. 

The whiskey tamed your nerves, and he handed you his cigarette for a few drags.  He offered you one of your own, but you declined, citing that you didn’t want to get too comfortable with it.  But really, you just liked sharing his; to hold it in your lips right after him, teasing the tip of your tongue across the filter.  He introduced you to the ones around the fire, all members of the Coffin Kings, and a few of them had partners, or “old ladies” as they were affectionately called.  You listened to the conversations buzzing around, and every once in a while, you’d find yourself chuckling at some story Steve told.  What about the time he tried to steal a riding lawnmower from the hardware store, and four employees chased him through the parking lot?

“I was just a kid,” he leaned over to tell you so that you wouldn’t think it was something he did recently.  “Barely sixteen I think. One of the guys dared me, and I never say no to those for some reason.”

“You never say no to a dare?” 

He shook his head. “Nah, I figure if I’m not hurting anyone else, there’s nothing I won’t try once.”

You pondered that, wondering about the things you wouldn’t do if dared.  

You must’ve shivered, or maybe it was just his intuition, but he motioned to his leather jacket on the backseat of the chair. “You cold? Wanna wear this?”

“No I’m fine, thank you,” but then, “maybe later.”

“What about you,” Hopper said over the tips of the flames, looking in your direction.  “You got a story?”

For the first time all night, they all turned to you, expectantly, and your face began to sweat.

Steve’s hand found your knee. “You don’t have to,” he whispered.  

You thought about the stories you had, and wondered if you should tell the truth or make one up.

“Um,” by then, the others had lost interest. Steve and Hopper were the only ones looking at you. “Well, I ran away from home once and joined the circus.”

Sparks popped in the fire, and Hopper tilted his head to squint curiously.

Steve went along with it.  “Were you a dancer? Those women with the tassels on their—”

He was about to say nipples but stopped himself.

“I had a couple different jobs,” you took another sip.  “I sold cotton candy at one of the kiosks, did tarot readings and fortune telling.  The last job I had was as a magician’s assistant.”

“You serious?” Steve was fascinated.  “You mean you’re, like, psychic or something?”

You rubbed your lips together, thumbing the rim of your beverage.  “Not exactly, I’ve never been sure how it works, but I see things sometimes.”

“How old were you?” The woman with the bleached blonde hair next to you asked.  She wore an American flag bikini top with tattered denim Daisy Dukes.  

“Seventeen.”

Steve had his chin pinned to his shoulder, searching your face with deepening interest.  

“That’s badass,” the Prospect that had once been in your chair said, but he was next to Hopper at that point.  He had a full head of wavy hair, feathered off his face with some type of gel.  come to find out, his name was Dino, as in short for Dinosaur.  “I’ve always wanted to join the circus.”

The rest of them gave low chuckles, and one mumbled, “there’s still time.”

“Why did you run away from home?” Steve whispered it, wondering if maybe you might not want to answer that in front of everyone.

Dino went on to expand on what a good circus barker he’d be while you spoke only to Steve.

“I didn’t really have, you know, the best childhood,” you mumbled. 

“Someone hurt you?” Just the thought made him upset.

You took another sip, and then raised your voice so the group could hear. “We had one of those big red and white tents, like in the movies. The Bearded Lady, Becky, she was one of the nicest people you’d ever meet.  The lions were my favorite.  The big one, his name was August, we’d go for walks together. I made friends with a trapeze artist, but one day she was up there doing a routine on the tightrope and she fell and there was a hole in the net.  She went right through.  Her name was Debbie.”

There was a hush, and then an older biker with a gray beard next to the blonde said, “that’s fucked up.”  

“How long were you with the circus?” Dino asked.

“Only a few months,” you cleared your throat.  “And then I was on the road for a while.”

“By yourself?” Steve’s voice was louder than he’d meant for it to be. 

You gave him a soft smile and a shrug.  “I’m always alone.”

What were the odds of two lonely fucks finding each other again the way you two had?  Steve was grateful for Robin and Eddie, they were his only constants.  

Robin had decided to stay home that night, to unpack some things and get her room situated again.  Steve made sure she bolted the door and told her to use his gun if Nic tried to come around.  

“She won’t,” Robin huffed, dumping the contents of her backpack onto the bed.  “That would imply she actually gave a shit about me.  She’ll have some new married woman from the bar in our bed by tonight, I’m sure of it.”

Back at the firepit, you got to your feet and Steve followed.  “Could you tell me where, um, the bathroom is?”

The bathroom wallpaper was blue and white striped with ducks in bow ties on the trim, something you imagined was there before Hopper moved in.  A mirrored medicine cabinet and a shower without a tub that had one of those frosted, glass front doors.  Besides some mustache/beard trimmings near the sink, it was a tidy place, and smelled of cleaning supplies.  You used the fairly new bar of green soap in the clear dish, and peeked around in the cabinet like any nosey person would.  

Steve was lingering in the carpeted hallway to hand you a fresh beer.  “Didn’t want you to get lost on the way back.”

There were photo collages in frames on the walls of what looked like Hopper’s extended family.  In one, he had his arms hooked over the shoulders of Steve and an older man in their Coffin Kings kuttes.  It might've been a decade old; Steve looked like a baby.

“How long have you and Hopper known each other?”

Steve let out a raspberry sound with his lips.  “Who knows, forever.  He’s been around since we were kids.”

He was just about to reach for the sliding door out to the back patio, when someone else pulled it open.  Shirtless in his boxers, with a yellow beach towel wrapped around his waist, stood the person you knew to be Eddie Munson.  Wet hair long over his shoulders with a handful of tattoos scattered over his torso, he was dripping wet, and in the middle of scowling about something you weren’t privy to.

“Hey man,” the two men bumped fists.  His eyes darted back and forth between the two of you.  “My beeper just went off, need to make a call real quick.”

Steve introduced you, praying to whatever god would listen that whatever Eddie had to do that night did not include needing his help.  

You saw the metaphorical lightbulb of recognition brighten above Eddie’s head.  “Oh shit yeah, I remember you.  You punched Danny Rogers right in the jaw once on the playground. Dude went down hard.”

Steve seemed to beam with pride at that, exposing his gold canine, but you shifted nervously.

“I don’t like violence,” you admitted.  “But he deserved it.”

Danny was one of those boys who liked to try and put his hand up girls shirts and make nasty rumors go around that one of them blew him in the supply closet.  They were only kids, and you didn’t even know what “to blow” someone meant at the time.  

Eddie shook his hair out like a dog. “Hey, I’ll catch you two out there in a minute, okay? Good to see you again, killer.”

It was dark enough that you could only see the shapes of the people in the pool, moonlight reflecting off the water, and felt the unmistakable weight of Steve leaning into you as you went through the door.  He slid it closed once you stepped onto the concrete slab, and then you turned, not realizing how close he was, and accidentally bumping chests with him.  

You didn’t move away, but you kept your head down until Steve put a finger under your chin to lift your gaze.  The porch light was out, allowing you an extra veil of privacy from the party, and you snaked a hand up over his ribs.

“Are you gonna run away this time?” He mumbled, staring at your mouth, his lashes fluttering.

He didn't know about your dream but somehow, he did.

“I thought we were going together?”

He wondered if you could feel him shaking. 

“I’m ready,” his mouth came down close enough to exchange oxygen with you.  You shifted closer, pulling him in.

But then he abruptly cleared his throat and turned his head.

“Not like this,” he rumbled, glancing at the rest of the party.  

“Not like what?”  You sought his hand and intertwined your fingers. 

He didn’t want to say out loud what he meant, that he wanted it to be special.  

He was revealing himself to you, these things he’d been taught to hide, the ways he daydreamed about how well he could love you, if only you’d let him.  If he could write for shit, he’d be one of those insufferable assholes scribbling out poetry in your honor.

He wasn’t like this with every woman he dated.

There was a special chemistry, something more spiritual than primal, that had only been activated in him a couple of times.  The last one was a while back and she took all of his trust; he was sure he’d never lean into that feeling ever again.  

Were the two of you dating? Is that what this was? Maybe the connection was all in his head and you were just going along for lack of things to do.

No, that wasn’t true.  He could tell you wanted that kiss.

He should’ve taken the chance…

Shit

But then you held his hand all the way back to the firepit, and that was something.  

----

Thank you for reading, I love you. Biker Steve will be back soon.

[lovelybucky1]

Neil trying to be cool to get the attention of a client (disinterested in him) being totally cringe and geeky with his movie recommendations

im a filmbro just like neil so i really resonate with this

my inbox is open for requests!

warnings: one mention of sexual content, mild mentions of violence, neil being a geek with zero rizz

masterlist

It’s not often hot people walk into Gumshoe Video. There’s the regulars, the families, the loser film bros who are there at least four times a week, the teens who try to rent pornos, and old people looking for the classics.

When you walked in, Neil almost dropped his fast food cup filled with Dr. Pepper. You’re exactly his type, and he pushed the other employees out of the way so he could be the one to help you.

“Hi, I’m Neil. How can I be of service?” he greets you, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. You look down at his name tag and note that it says owner underneath his name.

“I don’t need any help, thanks,” you smile politely and continue walking. You aren’t trying to be rude, but you had a long day at work and this puppy dog of an employee is only going to get on your nerves.

“Are you looking for anything specific?” he asks, following you down the aisle.

You sigh. “No, just something to watch.”

“We have a huge selection. What’s your favorite genre?”

You resign yourself to the fact that this man is going to be up your ass until you leave the store.

“I don’t know. Action? Comedy?”

“Well, right over here we have Fast and Furious.” You wrinkle your nose. “We also have The Dark Knight.”

“Uh, no thanks. The villains in those movies are always so cheesy.”

Neil hums and scans the shelves, looking at the collection of videos for rent. “If you want a comedy we have Daddy Daycare, Superbad, American Pie…”

“I think I’ll just look around myself-”

“Or if you want something classic, we have Citizen Kane, Casablaca, The Godfather, Apocalypse Now-”

“Look, Neil,” you sigh. “I appreciate the suggestions but I really don’t need any help.”

Feeling rejected but not letting it show, Neil nods and steps away. “If you need anything, I’ll be behind the counter.”

You nod and watch him walk away before turning to browse the movie selection by yourself. It takes you a while to find anything that you were interested in, but you settled on Friday the 13th. It’s not what you’d usually go for, but your life needs a little excitement here and there.

From across the store, you could hear the other employees ridiculing Neil for “striking out”, though you’d have to argue that he never even got up to bat.

When you walk up to the counter to rent the movie, no one is to be found. You look around and find a bell on the counter labeled ring for assistance. You hit the button and the bell rings, and immediately following the chime is a thud and a curse. You peak over the counter to see Neil crouched underneath it, rubbing the top of his head.

He stands up and looks at you, putting on a charming smile like he didn’t just embarrass himself.

“All set?” he asks.

“Yep,” you reply shortly, handing him the box.

“Friday the 13th,” he reads. “That’s a good one. You didn’t tell me you’re into horror.”

“I’m not really. Just wanted a change,” you reply, figuring if you engage in his small talk, he’ll let you off the hook sooner.

“Did you know this was filmed at a real summer camp in New Jersey?” You shake your head. “It’s still operational, actually. The only set piece they had to build was the bathroom; everything else was already there.”

“That’s really interesting,” you smile, lying.

Unfortunately that was the wrong thing to say, because it made him perk up. “If you think that’s interesting, wait until you hear this…” He ducks under the counter again and comes back up with another movie in hand. “Scream was based on a series of real murders in the 90s. Ghostface was based of the Gainesville Ripper who killed five students in Florida. He wore a black ski mask, which was the inspiration for the movie.”

Neil must have noticed your concerned face and stopped.

“Uh, sorry. I guess giving a stranger facts about a serial killer is kind of weird,” he chuckles.

He scans your movie, swipes your card and prints out your receipt. Before he handed it to you, he scribbled something at the bottom.

“Thank you for renting from Gumshoe Video. Have a nice day,” he smiles.

You give him a polite smile back and on the way out of the door, you look down at the paper in your hand. He wrote what looks to be a phone number, but his handwriting is too messy for you to make out the digits.

[heesdreamer]

anything else

PAIRING ➩ hyung line x reader

SUMMARY ➩ life brought you four boys at different times, somehow knowing when you needed them most. how could you possibly choose?

WARNINGS ➩ sexual content, um they’re very punk so piercings, fights, etc

WC ➩ 12.7k

AUTHOR NOTE ➩ so this one’s a little out of the ordinary but i hope you like it because i do despite the issues it gave me lol. little reminder that you can request additional scenes or specific scenarios you’d like to see but i don’t think ill just write a “part 2” also i originally started this as a specific member one shot try to guess who she was going to end up with! (NOT PROOFREAD)

There were three rules you religiously followed when it came to hooking up with people and any sign of them even slightly bending and you were gone before your side of the bed had even cooled.

The first one was the most simple and the one people had a problem with the least, no exclusivity. You didn’t want to belong to anybody and considering the crowd you ran with seemed just as against commitment, you didn’t find yourself having to argue this point a lot.

Your friend group had been close since a young age, only adding on a few additions as you all got older and branched out into different social circles, some of you bringing back worthy contenders into the main group of people. But for the most part things remained tight between you all and you liked it best like that, knowing the scandal that could unfold if some of your weekend activities were made public knowledge.

You’d met Jake and Sunghoon fresh into elementary school when they moved into the house next door, Jake’s parents taking in Sunghoon pretty much full time to the point he had his own bedroom in their house. You’d learn over time as you got closer to them that his home life was shaky and he slowly and slowly stopped going home at all as the years passed.

Jake caught your attention from the first night you’d seen him, standing on your porch in front of his parents legs with a scowl on his face and messy hair.

The same scowl he had now as he leaned back against the couch you were sat on, groaning and settling his feet into your lap. Jake wasn’t necessarily the troubled kid your parents had made him out to be, growing concerned and warning you away from him once they realized he had caught your interest. He was more sensitive than he let off and could do more damage with his clumsy feet and the way he threw his whole body into a laugh than his fist, but his bark was always a lot bigger than his bite.

You liked him immediately.

You’d spent the first few months of knowing him watching him from your porch and he tried to learn how to skateboard, seeing him fall and scream words that you’d only ever heard your parents say when they were particularly stressed about something.

He’d fall off the board a few times and you’d watch him stand back up, knees and hands bloody from smacking against the concrete. He didn’t pay any mind to it and you wondered if he felt any pain at all.

When you were 16 years old, you let him take your virginity. You’d spent the previous hours leading up to that drinking on a random week day, Sunghoon having thrown up in the kitchen sink and then falling asleep sprawled across the cold tiles.

You were both young and drunk, extremely stupid, and his handsome face was rambling about something that had happened in detention that pissed him off when you sloppily fell forward on your hands and kissed his sneering face.

It wasn’t good and it definitely wasn’t romantic but you trusted Jake more than anybody on the planet, with Sunghoon following at a tight second place, and you didn’t regret it the following morning. Jake, of course, showed no sign of awkwardness and if you didn’t sleep with him yourself you would’ve had no idea anything had even happened between the two of you.

That’s what you thought at least, quickly being proven wrong over a hungover breakfast when Sunghoon immediately sniffed the two of your out and bluntly announced it in the middle of the quiet restaurant.

That was your favorite thing about being friends with Sunghoon, you absolutely never had to worry if he was telling the truth or sugarcoating things to protect your feelings. He couldn’t care less how you reacted to his honesty, as long as he told you exactly what he was thinking.

Sometimes when Jake had little outburst of anger or isolated himself from the two of you, Sunghoon staying temporarily at your house during those times, you got stuck in your overthinking about him. If he actually liked being your friend or if you were just leeching onto him and he was tolerating your company for convenience.

You never had to think about that type of stuff with Sunghoon, directly opposite to Jake in the way he handled his emotions. You figured that’s why they managed to be so close for so long, their differences balancing each other out.

It became apparent to you that Jake had a habit of befriending people different than him when you finally graduated from high school and all entered college together (Sunghoon had been accepted to better schools but he didn’t want to miss out). It had only taken a week of classes before Jake was showing up to lunch dragging a boy you hadn’t seen before behind him.

The boy looked nervous and you watched them as they approached, getting the urge to push his round glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

“Made a friend.” Jake was declaring as he swung his leg over the tables seat and smiled at you and Sunghoon. He looked back at the boy impatiently and patted the spat next to him, implying he wanted him to hurry up and sit down.

“If he kidnapped you let us know.” You were addressing the boy, a bored tone in your voice at Jake’s antics. “Sunghoon can hold him down while you get a head start.”

He looked like he didn’t know if you were joking at first, eyes going to Sunghoon who had looked up from his plate and was observing the stranger with his usual stony face. Then Jake was bursting out into a laugh loud and you cracked a smile, extending a hand towards the boy who relaxed slightly.

Lee Heeseung was a stark opposite to your trio, even more so than your usual dynamics. Jake explained he had befriended him because he was smart and you were all struggling, minus Sunghoon but he was less than helpful when it came to helping you out with academics. Immediately following up and saying that he seemed cool too when Heeseung shot him a hurt expression at his shallow reasoning.

You found Jake’s influence over people very interesting from somebody who was unaffected by it for the most part. You wondered if people were partly fascinated by him because they carried the very human urge to fix things that they deemed broken.

You’d seen it on random people who’d been in your life, classmates and week long girlfriends who’d came and went quicker than you could memorize their names but it was especially noticeable in Heeseung, more apparent as the years went by and he remained in your lives.

It was hard to remember when exactly in time he had stopped being so quiet, stopped being so kind and dedicated to his studies and started to become a bit more like you and your friends. You felt small pangs of guilt when you’d come home to your shared apartment and see him sitting on your couch in a haze, missing another important class that just six months ago he would’ve broken into a nervous sweat over.

Still, he was an adult and capable of making his own choices.

“This is a terrible choice.” Your voice was mumbling today, watching him as he was perched on your bathroom counter with his back pressed against the mirror. You were stood between his knees and staring at his face with a disappointed look.

“You’d do it for Jake but not for me?” He was complaining, trying to get on your good side.

You fiddled with the metal stick in your hand and glanced down at it. Last week you had drunkenly fulfilled Jake’s request for a home style eyebrow piercing, amateurly piercing his smooth skin and ignoring Sunghoon’s groans of disgust at the blood dripping down his forehead.

“Jake’s an idiot.” You sighed and pressed the sharp point of the needle into your thumb for a second. “That’s why I don’t care if he looks like an idiot.”

“When’d you get so motherly Y/N.” Sunghoon’s flat tone was ringing from behind you and you looked over Heeseung’s shoulder at the mirror, seeing him leaning against the doorway and watching the scene play out.

“I don’t know, I guess something about cleaning after three boys in their 20’s for four years does that to a person.” You were sarcastically responding, bitterness in your voice. His mouth quirked up into a half smile and you grinned at his reflection.

You looked back at Heeseung who was watching you with excited expectant eyes, bangs pushed back so you could have clear access to his eyebrow when you inevitably fell for his begging and negotiating. You hummed at his expression and stood on your tiptoes, pressing forward to kiss him.

He wasn’t at all surprised by this, or unnerved by the fact Sunghoon was standing right there and still watching the two of you even when his hand came up to hold your hair.

Bringing you back to your original point and the most important things to you as you entered your young adult life, your three rules.

No exclusivity was the most important to you for multiple reasons, the main being the fact it made your skin crawl for anybody to consider you something they owned, something they had any say over. And more selfishly, you’d quickly realized after sleeping with Jake that you liked sex.

You didn’t discover this through him, in fact after the first time you slept with him, the two of you never once spoke about it. Then three years later at a college party you were tipsy and dancing together, pressed tightly against his front and you weren’t sure if it was the alcohol running through you or the way he looked under red lighting but you suddenly found yourself desperate for him.

So you let him fuck you against the wall of a grimy frat house bathroom and tried not to think of the consequences with him panting into your open mouth and roughly tugging on your hair.

It’d been three years now and you’d still yet to feel any negative effect from that night, waking up the next morning to bruises on your skin and him sleeping off the liquor soundly next to you.

It almost drove you crazy how normal he was about it, how normal he continued to be every time he was coming into your room at night to let off steam or pushing against you in the kitchen. At a young age you admired the way Jake handled tough situations but as an adult it weighed heavily on your mind, not being able to get a read on his emotions.

So when he had walked into the living room after a late shift at work and caught you pressing Heeseung into the couch, mouth moving against his and his shirt thrown onto the carpeted floor, you aren’t sure why you expected him to care.

He froze for just a second, mirroring the way Heeseung did from underneath you. You sat up to look at him in the doorway, breathing heavily from your spot in your friends lap. He watched you for a few seconds, holding your worried gaze, before he was smirking slightly and walking down the hall towards his room.

Much to a distraught Heeseung’s displeasure, you were too thrown off by his reaction that you immediately hopped off the boy and you didn’t sleep together.

Still to this day you hadn’t ever fully had sex but you’d built up a casual habit of intimacy in other forms, including, and the one you did most frequently, kissing him. You liked the way he sent you a text when he couldn’t sleep, coming over to lay on your chest and get some rest and you liked sitting in his lap in a packed car and letting him rest his head on your shoulder.

So the first rule was silently installed and despite your initial confusion at Jake’s careless reaction you eventually found yourself thankful for how normalized it was in your small group to find comfort in each other in different ways.

The second rule started right around the time you met Jay.

It wasn’t often you yourself made friends outside of the boys, despite your frequent stops at parties and clubs you tended to stick near one of the three or make light conversation with somebody who knew one of them and you by association.

So when you brought home a boy after a particularly hazy night, spending an open weekend smoking on some random frat boys uncomfortable couch, it was a big shock to your roommates and best friends.

An even bigger shock when the next morning he was shirtless in your kitchen, cooking breakfast suited for five and acting like the scratch marks across his back weren’t an obvious tell to what you had been doing the night before, just a few feet from where they’d been sleeping. (Or not sleeping considering your lack of volume control.)

Somehow Jay had understood your friend groups dynamic without needing it explained, automatically fitting in and proving himself an asset both to the boys who happily devoured every home cooked meal they’d been missing out on, and to you.

If you need a distraction, an outlet for you to forget temporarily everything weighing heavy on your mind at night, you could call Jake over to your room or barge into his no problem. He wouldn’t ask questions, he wouldn’t give advice, he’d understand your silent need and pin your down and help you pretend for a few hours that things weren’t as bad as they were.

But that was where he was comfortable and you never experienced tenderness with him during those moments, not that you were complaining while it was happening.

Jay was similar to Jake in personality, although a lot less angry, but opposite to him in the way that he treated you during your time together.

So you established rule two in a whisper against his chest as he slept soundly, hand moving in slow soothing circles on your arm. You were absolutely not allowed to catch feelings.

You were reminding yourself of this now as you moved against Heeseung’s mouth, stomach pressed into the bathroom counter and the feeling of his knees on your sides. You pulled back from him and smiled at the way his soft pink hair was covering his eyebrows again, pushing it back so you could get a look at the area he wanted you to pierce.

“If she hits something important and you can’t move that side of your face you owe me 20 bucks.” Sunghoon was remarking from the doorway, still unphased by the kiss or the fact Heeseung’s lips were red and glossy now.

“Facial paralysis and short on cash? What kinda bet is this?” Heeseung was smiling over in his direction and you pressed his skin together softly, squinting your eyes to try to find the best angle to send the needle through.

You could hear the front door opening and closing, sound carrying easily in the small apartment. You weren’t sure which of the other two boys it was, despite the fact it was originally just you, Jake and Sunghoon living here the other two had gradually stopped going home over time.

Jay still had his own dorm, less than twenty minutes from your apartment since you lived right off campus but for christmas you’d gifted him his own key on a lanyard with your faces on it. As for Heeseung, you weren’t exactly sure when he had started living here but he was a permanent fixture now, bouncing between the three bedrooms and the couch.

“Are you guys ever going to be doing anything normal when I get home?” You could hear Jake’s tired voice getting closer, sounding half amused and half annoyed.

You imagined the latter emotion was due to the fact you were hogging the only bathroom, slapping Heeseung’s bare chest when he turned his head to look at the approaching Jake and messed up your measurements.

Heeseung smiled apologetically in your direction, leaning back down to kiss you again. You kissed him back for just a second before pushing his chest so he would sit still, eyes catching Jake’s in the mirror now that he was standing in the doorway with Sunghoon.

They were hardened as he looked at you and your expression fell slightly, not knowing if he was just in a bad mood in general or if you had done something directly to piss him off. As much as you cared for the boy, he was completely unpredictable in his mood swings and sometimes it was best to just leave him alone until he found an outlet for his anger. Sometimes said outlet leading him straight back to you.

As much as they both were judging you and Heeseung as you situated yourself again, they both watched with interest and let out sharp hissing when your shoved the needle through his skin. It came through the other side and you were relieved to see he wasn’t bleeding nearly as much as Jake had.

“I didn’t even feel it.” He was remarking with a small frown, like he was looking forward to the pain.

“It’s going to bruise.” You were explaining to him, having gone through the process yourself already twice. “You’ll have a black eye for a few days.”

“That’s kind of sexy though isn’t it?” He was smiling down at you, the needle still in his eyebrow and he groaned in pain when he tried to quirk it seductively in your direction. You laughed softly stop him and heard Sunghoon chuckle dryly from behind you.

“If she found black eyes sexy she’d just need to sleep with Jake more.” Sunghoon was saying, catching on to what Heeseung was implying with his comment.

“If she slept with me she’d never be able to fuck Jake again, black eye or not.” Heeseung joked back and you looked at Jake in the mirror again, jaw twitching slightly at the comments regarding him. You knew the boys were just having fun and typically he would know that too. You figured he must be in an extra bad mood.

You shushed Heeseung with a small shove to his chest, cupping his face to hold him still while you interchanged the needle for a small piece of jewelry with two balls on either side. He leaned into your touch and quieted down, stopping his jokes so he didn’t accidentally mess you up.

“Does it look good?” He was whispering once you’d put it through, trying to stay as still as possible.

It did look good, better than you’d originally thought it would and surprisingly nature on his kind face. You were reminded of the kind boy with fluffy black hair and big round glasses you’d met at the start of college and your heart softened slightly. As different as he looked aesthetic wise, he was still peering down at you with doe like eyes waiting to hear words of approval.

“You look hot.”

——

Sometimes you missed being a freshly turned nineteen year old, away from home for the first time and just getting by on gas station meals. You missed the free feeling that came with curing a hangover with more drinks and finally getting home from the night before after the sun has already risen.

You still carried some bad habits now that you were slightly older, in your last year of college and only now legally allowed to engage in all the things you’ve been doing since middle school but other things were overwhelmingly different.

“Literally what the fuck is the difference between a red and green pepper.” The reason for your thought process was speaking now and you looked over to see Sunghoon angrily glaring down at a piece of paper.

You wanted to laugh at the fact that he was having a rare show of extreme emotion at something as simple as a grocery list, but you held back. You walked closer to him and leaned against his arm, looking at the list Jay had sent with the two of you after he had gone through all your cupboards, becoming more and more appalled at every empty one.

“Aren’t you meant to be the smart one?” You muttered to him and he stuffed the list into his pocket, looking down at you from where you were still leaning against him.

“Maybe I’d know how to cook better if I hadn’t had such awful influences growing up.” He looked annoyed, face flat as he watched you but you knew him well enough to understand he was teasing you.

You took a step away from him with a sigh, scanning the aisle and shifting the basket that you were holding in your hands.

“Influence, singular.” You reminded him, excluding yourself from his comment. “Don’t complain too loud, I feel like Jay can hear you from the house.”

He looked amused at that and you started to walk down the aisle again, bumping into each others sides. As different and foreign as it felt, you were having fun with him. It was strangely domestic to be grocery shopping on a random week day. If you were lacking the dyed hair, piercings and specific clothing style, you imagined you’d look like a regular college couple with normal responsibilities and living situations.

“I’m sure he can. Everybody is so uptight there these days.” His voice was still light and flat as he voiced his concern and you frowned slightly, agreeing with him. “Is the sex not good?”

You shoved him once you processed what he was implying and he groaned, nearly knocking over a display of cans as he tripped over his foot. He steadied himself and gave a half smile down in your direction at your angry expression.

“I’ll have you know sex with me is amazing.” You were suddenly aware of your loud volume when an older woman passing by the aisle you were stood in gave you a disgusted stare, speed walking past you when you offered her a small apologetic shrug.

Sunghoon didn’t respond as he grabbed something off the shelf, tossing it into your half full basket and turning on his heel to head back to the front of the store where the registers were, now that your list was fulfilled. You followed him to the self checkout where he took it from you and started to scan the items slowly.

“I wouldn’t know.” He was saying after you’d gathered up the plastic bags and started to walk outside towards the bus stop. You were glancing over at him and cocking your head in confusion. He looked down at you and shrugged. “How sex is with you.”

You were beyond used to his bluntness and the fact it sometimes created uncomfortable situations, other times hurting your feelings even though at the end of the day you were always thankful you found out things from him first and directly. So you were only half thrown off at his comment.

And he was telling the truth.

You always wondered what he felt about the fact the two of you strictly didn’t sleep with each other or ever even do anything non platonic. You knew he would tell you if you asked but for some reason you never did and you never wanted to talk about it, this being the first time he’s brought it up on his own.

Truthfully you weren’t sure why you hadn’t. Sunghoon was probably the most stunning person you’d ever seen in your entire life, so pretty that you were genuinely taken back sometimes when you saw him doing casual acts around the house.

Not to mention how much hotter he was considering his usual attitude and demeanor. He was already strong in the literal sense but he felt sturdy and solid in his calm direct approach to things and you liked the way his dark eyebrows always stayed unmoving on his inexpressive face.

You think maybe it was a weird complex thing. The thought of sleeping with not only some, but all of your closest friends on a regular basis made you have a strange sense of insecurity. You knew they liked you and cared about you and if you decided one day to never touch one of them again that way, they’d accept it immediately and not treat you any different. You were their friend first before anything and you felt reassured in that despite your occasional habit to overthink.

“Do you ever wonder why?” You decided to ask him the thing you were curious about directly, knowing he wouldn’t judge you.

He took a second to respond since you were approaching the bus stop. He grabbed the bags you were holding and added them to his pile, setting them down on the bench as you stood together and waited for it to arrive. Eventually he was turning to peer down at you with a small look of amusement.

“Saving the best for last I guess.”

——

The third rule was one that needed no discussion, undeniably the one that needed to be honored above all else.

Sometimes you forgot about it, especially it’s importance. When you were at home and it was just you and the boys, you felt comfortable and hidden away in your little bubble of a world. Things were unconventional, maybe a little dingy and immoral at times but there was never any judgement and never any type of conflict you couldn’t work out with all of you together.

So when you left this space you were struck with the reminder that things were not like that in the real world. There was consequences to your actions and considering you were still in college and surrounded by your peers and gossip most the time, most your consequences were social.

You were currently sat on a couch at a party, a common occurrence still despite you not being at the age where you wanted to be black out drunk every saturday. You still liked to have fun, or at least watch the boys have fun while you sat and smoked.

It made you feel good to watch them feel good. You liked the way Jay danced with strangers, a bright smile on his face and you liked watching Heeseung chat animatedly with people standing near the kitchen, almost forgetting how shy he used to be. Sunghoon was typically with you or off somewhere doing… whatever it was he did.

You normally didn’t see Jake until the end of the nights, having to drag him away from an argument or a full out fight at least once a week if his attitude called for it. You were always amazed at his ability to have a problem with absolutely anybody.

So you were slightly surprised at the fact he was sat next to you on the couch right now, a hand on your thigh and his side pressed against yours tightly. He was passing the joint back to you and letting his fingers linger against yours when you went to grab it from him. You could feel him breathing against the side of your face and you almost wanted to laugh at how fucked up he was this soon into the night.

Sunghoon was on your right, similarly pressed against you but he seemingly wasn’t paying any attention to you. He was scrolling on his phone and occasionally watching the people drunkenly dancing on the floor infront of you.

“What was with your mood the other day?” You were speaking out a cloud of smoke, face curling into a grimace as you coughed and nudged Sunghoon to take it without looking, keeping your eyes on Jake. You blamed said smoke for being the reason you asked, normally you’d avoid it knowing it could go one or two ways with him.

“You worried?” He lazily smiled over at you and you felt his hand squeezing your thigh as he spoke. Thankful he hadn’t gotten defensive at your question, you leaned into his space slightly and shrugged.

His eyes were darting sideways suddenly and you followed his gaze, seeing a girl across the room watching the two of you. Her eyes were low and hazy as she took a sip of her cup and you glanced back at him in confusion. He kept his stare on her, either not noticing you were seeing him or not caring. His eyebrow was cocking in her direction and he squeezed your leg again.

You frowned slightly and leaned away from him, feeling your back bump against Sunghoon’s side and ignoring the noise he made.

From your knowledge, Jake didn’t sleep around a lot. He never brought girls back home with him and you or one of the other boys were there almost every time he went out, he stated once he simply couldn’t be bothered to do small talk every single time he wanted to fuck something. Even if the thought of him fucking somebody else when you were sat next to him bugged you a little, you had no right to say anything. However the fact he was only touching you as some form of flirting method with some random girl made your stomach flip in disgust.

You smacked his hand off your bare thigh, Sunghoon’s head turning at the sound, and scoffed at him. Now he finally turned his attention back to you, eyes sparking with slight anger and a challenge.

It was clear to you now that he hadn’t gotten over whatever was bothering him before and you frowned at the harshness in his eyes.

You scooted away from him slightly, now fully pressed up against Sunghoon to the point you were nearly halfway into his lap. Jake shook his head at your reaction, letting out a mean humorless laugh and standing from the couch, disappearing into the crowd of people.

“The fuck is his problem.” Sunghoon’s sudden voice caused you to jump slightly and you felt his arm move so it was resting on the couch behind your head, helping him get comfortable now that you were a lot closer.

“Your guess is as good as mine.” You frowned and shifted in your spot slightly, not understanding what he was possibly so upset about. You didn’t recall anything happening but then again, Jake didn’t always seem to need a reason to lash out. “He makes no sense to me sometimes.”

“I think Hee pissed him off.” Sunghoon was telling you and you were slightly surprised at the fact he had also caught sight of Jake’s reaction to Heeseung’s comments in the bathroom.

You looked over at him to find him already watching you, heads so close your nose brushed against his.

“Why would he care about that?” You were still frowning as you spoke and his eyes were looking down at your lips before meeting yours again. You’d never been this close to Sunghoon before and you were starting to think about the conversation you’d had at the grocery store.

“Maybe he’s worried Heeseung was right.” He said it like it was obvious but that confused you further.

“That still doesn’t make any sense. He knows I fuck Jay and he’s never cared about that.” You were reasoning your side of things but Sunghoon seemed pretty certain in what he was saying.

“Jay doesn’t fuck you like Jake does.” His voice was nearing a whisper as he spoke and you tensed for a second at his words. He was right of course, he always seemed to be, but you weren’t quite sure how he knew that in the first place.

He was staring at you intensely, somehow more intense than he usually looked, and you had a feeling he also knew that you were thinking over the things he had said to you at the bus stop. His hand that wasn’t around your shoulders was coming over and resting at your knee, pulling your legs forward so they were over his and you were halfway in his lap. You took the hint, lifting your butt up off the couch and moving forward so you were fully sitting on him.

He hummed softly in approval, looking up slightly now that you were sitting on him and above him. It didn’t feel weird or too new being this close to him. Living in the same small place and growing up together didn’t leave much room for privacy, you’d seen each other in different states of undress and slept together in beds on dozens of occasions.

Yet it was different all the same. His eyes were more narrow and hazy, a clear want in his expression and he was watching you with interest as your eyes studied his features from this angle.

“You think he’s worried Heeseung will make me feel better?” You continued on your conversation in a low challenging voice, trying not to flush when he was putting one hand in your hair and the other around your waist to keep you steady in his lap.

“Maybe.” He was mumbling, distracted now. “Or maybe somebody else.”

The implication in his words were obvious and a heavy tension settled over the two of you as he spoke his mind. His multiple shows of confidence made your skin feel hot and you had completely forgotten about the girl and Jake’s random attitude.

“I want you to show me.” You spoke bluntly, knowing he liked it best when you did that. He didn’t respond, quirking an eyebrow at you like he was expecting something. “Please.”

He let out another hum as you quickly pieced together what he was expecting and delivered it, your voice soft raising an octave and you leaned against him. You wanted to kiss him or have him touch you, not minding who saw.

“Rule number three.” He was basically whispering against your lips as he spoke and you frowned at his words, mind spinning and hazy from both the weed and the heavy tension between the two of you.

So it took you a second to understand what he was trying to say before you gathered your thoughts and immediately deflated in disappointment, knowing exactly what he was implying.

Rule number three clearly stated that the most important thing in your friend group was that nobody, and absolutely nobody, was allowed to find out about the things you did. It had actually been Heeseung who suggested this become an official rule, not just a silent acceptance. He wanted a firm promise that the entire campus wouldn’t figure out you were essentially all spit buddies.

You imagine you were already slightly teetering this line with the way you were perched on Sunghoon’s lap, especially with how rare it was he was seen interacting with somebody so openly and how obsessive his fan club could be. But you were sure it could be brushed off as the drunken need to have contact with somebody.

“Are you rejecting me?” You made sure to quirk your mouth into a small smirk so he would understand you were just messing around with him, waiting for him to take the bait.

“I’m actually trying to take you home.” He confirmed what you were thinking but for some reason hearing him actually say it made your cheeks flush.

You looked down at him for a few seconds, not saying anything just yet. Your eyes were going around his handsome features as you felt your resolve completely sway and shatter.

The two of you didn’t speak for a long time after that, not when you stood from his lap and took his hand in yours and not when you started to make your way out of the party. You briefly met Heeseung’s eyes as you pushed through the crowd with him behind you and he continued to watch you with a clouded expression until you were out the front door and into the cold outside air.

You didn’t speak when he whistled for a taxi, feeling less than sober as you leaned into his side in the backseat and pressed a kiss to his neck as he muttered your address to the driver.

He didn’t touch you the whole ride other than a hand on your hip and you were growing impatient and desperate, moving your mouth and teeth against his warm skin while he occasionally squeezed your side. If you cared a bit more you would have felt guilty for the driver regarding the loud noises filling up the otherwise silent car.

But your head was spinning with desire and you almost didn’t even realize the car was stopping and you had gotten out until Sunghoon was pushing open the door to the apartment.

The second you were inside your back was hitting the wall. He wasted no time and immediately was pressed against you, kissing you feverishly. You moaned against his mouth, hands going to his dark hair and making sure he couldn’t pull away from you.

You were drunk off excitement and lust, clumsily walking forward until his legs hit the couch and he was falling onto his back, taking you with him.

He laughed into this kiss and you smiled at him, pulling away for a second. You were suddenly hit with the fact that you were making out with Park Sunghoon, your childhood bestfriend who you’d gone over a decade without touching once. He seemed to be having a similar thought process, eyes darting around your face and back to your mouth.

You kissed him again and he groaned, hands clumsily sliding down your back before grabbing the back of your thighs and pulling you up slightly so you were more on his lap and not sprawled on top of him.

Your hips were moving instinctively at the new position, rubbing against him and drinking in the way he cursed into your open mouth. His hands were moving to the top of your thighs, kneading them as a form of relief and your breath hitched when his thumb accidentally dipped forward and pressed too close to your underwear.

He froze at the noise and pulled out of the kiss to look at you. His eyes went down to your puffy lips and then back to your low hazy gaze that was watching him as you panted. He pressed his thumb down again, purposely this time as he held your stare.

He smirked slightly at the way you immediately rocked forward, mouth parting in a soft whine as he kept his hands just a few inches away from where you needed them.

“Ask me.” He was leaning forward to speak, pressing his mouth against yours and you felt his tongue snake between your open lips. You unfroze at the feeling, closing your mouth around him and sucking his tongue softly while he waited for you to respond.

“Touch me.” You eventually breathed when you couldn’t take it anymore, your voice whiny and bordering on a beg.

“So now you want me to touch you?” He was humming mockingly, eyes darkening softly at your request. As attracted to him as you had always been, you never took too long to think about what Sunghoon would be like in bed. You should’ve guessed he wasn’t going to be easy on you, a mean tone to his voice.

“Please.” You were too desperate to show any dignity, grinding down into his lap again and kissing messily against his jaw. “Please I want you to touch me so bad Hoon.”

“So needy for a whore.” He was whispering the words but you caught it loud and clear, breath catching at the word. He noticed your reaction and you heard a smirk in his voice when he started to speak again. “Three cocks isn’t enough for you, right baby?”

You were nodding your head, sitting up slightly to look him in the eyes and make sure he knew you were agreeing with him. He smiled fully at this and kissed you softly, caressing your cheek and nodding along with you mockingly.

“I want you to speak.” He was repeating with a soft voice, directly contradicting the hard expression on his face.

“It’s not enough.” You were rushing out and you felt slightly embarrassed at how slurred your words were, not thinking clearly. “It’s not enough, I need you.”

He seemed momentarily pleased by your words but he didn’t say anything, still not moving his hand and just watching you. Your gaze fell down to it’s placement and you felt another wave of need pass through you at the sight of his large hand and long fingers resting just close enough to the end of your skirt to fuel your imagination. You put your hand ontop of his and looked at him, feeling satisfied when he didn’t tell you to stop.

You slowly moved his hand with yours, pushing your skirt up onto your waist so he could have a clear view of your panty clad lower half sitting in his lap. His breath hitched slightly and you suddenly were curious how often he had done this, if ever. You seemed to just now realize he’d never spoken about being with anybody and knowing him, that would be something he’d casually mention like it was no big deal.

You were distracted from this train of thought when he was suddenly kissing you again, your hand leaving his inside your skirt and coming up to hold his face so you could deepen the kiss immediately.

Before you could process the movement of his hand, you felt his fingers pressing against your underwear. His hand was practically cupping your entire core and you bucked into it instinctively.

“You’re so cute like this.” He was smiling into the kiss and curling his fingers so they were pressing against you harder, you were embarrassed at the way you pathetically held onto his broad shoulders and practically sobbed at the feeling.

“I’m always cute asshole.” You were pushing out, voice breaking. He laughed softly and kissed your cheek, a weird show of affection that almost caused you to pause your movements and question him about it.

He seemed to notice your change in demeanor and for the first time in a long time, you saw him look visibly thrown off and embarrassed. You quickly forgot about it when he was grabbing your hips and turning your bodies so he was on top of you now.

You didn’t think about it for the rest of the night.

——

“What’s going on with you and Hoon.” Heeseung’s tired voice was mumbling above you in your bed and you frowned against his chest although he couldn’t see it.

“What do you mean?” You were laid against him, leg thrown over his waist and hugging his chest. Your room was warm and silent, perfect for a nap before he started to speak.

“He brought you home the other night.” He was explaining in a weird tone. You could hear his slow heart beat and you picked your head up off his chest so you could look at his expression, eyes locking on his bruised eye for a second. “Never seen you guys do that before I guess.”

He was holding your gaze with soft eyes and you felt a bit worried at the hurt in his features.

“Yeah.” You didn’t explain any further, knowing the simple answer would tell him what he wanted to know and what he was asking without asking. You didn’t have sex with Sunghoon but you did go home with him. “Why?”

“What’d you guys do?” He asked, his hand coming up to push your hair behind your ear and rub against the smooth skin of your cheek.

You didn’t say anything for a few seconds, trying to think about how much you wanted to tell him about that night. You shifted in your place on him, basically laying on top of him with his hip between your legs.

“He fingered me.” You answered him bluntly and his eyebrows shot up, a small amused smile appearing on his face at the information. “And we just kissed alot.”

“Oh, you kissed a lot?” His voice was teasing and you were overwhelmingly glad that his weird expression from earlier was gone. He sat up slightly so he could lean closer to your face, pressing a small kiss against your lips and sitting back again. “Was he a good kisser?”

You groaned at his nosy line of questioning, laying your head down on his chest so he couldn’t look at your flushing face. You could feel him laughing with the vibrations against your forehead.

“He better be considering he watches us all the time.” He was continuing on and you picked your head up quickly, eyebrows furrowed in an accusatory stare.

“You like it when he watches us.” You pointed out and he shrugged with a small smile. You were the telling the truth, something he admitted to you during a particularly tension filled make out session you had at a party a year or two ago.

Sunghoon had been a few feet away from the dance floor, leaning against the wall and keeping an eye out like he always seemed to be doing. You were too caught up in kissing Heeseung to notice, his hands on your hips pulling you into him as you half danced half grinded into his leg.

“Our guard dog is watching us.” He was whispering into your mouth and you opened your eyes to look at him in confusion, finding his eyes over your shoulder. They were low and hazy, arousal apparent at the observation.

“Tell him to cut it out.” You were half whining, upset his attention wasn’t fully on you and too out of it to process his reasoning for saying it wasn’t because he was feeling uncomfortable. Quite the opposite you’d quickly realize.

Heeseung hadn’t responded verbally, instead keeping his eyes over your shoulder open as he grabbed your chin and pulled you in for a wet sloppy kiss, moving his mouth against yours deeper and deeper in a lewd display.

Thinking back on it now you shifted ontop of Heeseung, arousal flaring up at the thought of him keeping strong eye contact with Sunghoon that night. You wish more than anything you had been in sound enough mind to look back and see what his expression was, if it changed at all.

“So he was good then.” He hummed softly and cupped your face. His expression was a bit guarded again and you frowned causing him to mirror your frown in confusion.

“Why are you so curious?” You asked him softly but your heart felt tight and heavy, fearing you already knew what his response would be.

“Why not?” He shrugged again but it looked more awkward this time, like he was trying to fake casual. “You already know that I’m i-.”

“Don’t.” You cut him off quickly, freezing on top of him and you suddenly felt the urge to get off the bed. You didn’t because you didn’t want to hurt his feelings but you felt a sick wave wash over you when his eyes deflated looking into yours. “Don’t say it.”

You weren’t stupid and you knew Heeseung had feelings for you. It was obvious from the first year you’d spent together, back when he was still nervous and didn’t talk as much. He’d follow you around like a lost dog and listen to you speak with big wide eyes like every word was important to him. You ignored it at first because you figured it was just because you were the first girl he’d really spent time with, it would just go away with time.

You admit you still feel guilt sometimes now regarding the way your relationship progressed. Kissing him and letting him hold you while you slept together probably did nothing but sink him in deeper and confuse his feelings now that they mixed with arousal and want.

But you did love Heeseung. You loved all the boys and you wanted them to be happy and feel cared for no matter what. And selfishly, you liked how much he liked you.

He still, after years of having time to get sick of you, looked at you like you personally hung the stars. He made no move to hide the way he felt about you but you’ve warned him before not to say it. You reminded him of the rules and what it would mean if you heard the words yourself, how you wouldn’t be able to do this with him anymore.

He didn’t respond to your interruption and you laid your head back on his chest hesitantly, feeling relieved when he wrapped his arms around you and squeezed you in a hug.

You still felt sick with guilt. You hoped he knew that you loved him too, even if you’d never say it yourself or allow him to. But things were far more complicated than being two friends inlove with each other and you weren’t willingly to pop your bubble just yet.

——

You were sat on the kitchen counter, watching Jay attempt to coach a simple meal prep, when Jake slammed the front door shut.

All four of your heads turned in his direction, Heeseung slowly halting mid vegetable cut in confusion. Jake looked over at the feeling of being stared at and glared in your directions, taking in the sight of everybody packed into the small kitchen.

“Hi.” You hesitantly greeted him. You weren’t sure if he was angry again or if this was his current resting face. “Do you want to come help? Jay’s trying to show us how to…”

Your words slowly trailed off as you watched him start to walk away, down the hall towards him room. He completely ignored you and you felt your heart sink.

Jake had mood swings, he was rude to strangers and he didn’t talk about his emotions or personal thoughts as much as you wished he did but he had never been this angry at you for this long and you still had no idea what was causing it. You always felt special at the fact he seemed to have a soft spot for you, outside of sex he was always gentle and showed you he cared about you in little indirect ways.

You felt a hand on your knee, rubbing it softly in an attempt at reassurance and you looked to see Jay’s worried expression watching you carefully. You imagined the other two had similar looks on their faces but you didn’t check to verify this, sighing softly and giving him an attempt at a smile to signal you were okay.

“You should go talk to him.” Sunghoon’s low voice was muttering and you looked at him now, meeting his expressionless face.

“She’s tried already.” Heeseung sounded annoyed and was shaking his head, eyebrows furrowing. You wanted to smooth out the crease in his forehead and remind him to be careful because his piercing but you stayed still. “He’s just in one of his moods.”

“No it’s different.” Sunghoon was responding, still watching you and you suddenly remembered what he had said about Jake at the party. You wondered if he knew more than what he was telling you or if he was just making his usual observations.

“If I go in there he’s either going to ignore me or tell me to fuck off.” You shook your head in denial, slightly anxious at the thought of confronting an angry Jake. You knew he’d never hurt you, or any of your friends, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have a habit of saying harsh words for the sake of shutting people up. Even if he didn’t necessarily mean them.

“Then you can come back out here and watch a movie with us.” Jay shrugged like it was an obvious solution and you smiled at him because it honestly was.

As much as you wished Jake would calm down and join the four of you, you knew that regardless you could lean back on your friends and find comfort in them.

“If I’m not back in half an hour, save yourselves.” You were joking with them as you left the kitchen towards the bedrooms. You smile immediately dropped when you rounded the corner, feeling nervous for how many ways this conversation could go wrong. You reminded yourself again that this was Jake, the person you loved and trusted most in the world.

You kept repeating this to yourself as you knocked on his door, soft taps as you shifted from side to side and waited for him to open it and invite you. The door was swinging open and he was glaring down at you, one headphone dangling out of his ear.

“Why are you knocking?” He mumbled and turned to sit back on his bed. You felt stupid after his comment, considering he was right and you’d never had to knock on his door before.

“Didn’t know if you wanted to be bothered.” You shrugged and sat on the end of the bed near his feet, anxiously picking at a loose thread on your sleeve. He was watching you with a guarded expression.

“Well are you planning on bothering me?” His tone caused you to frown and look down at your lap.

“What did I do?” You felt slightly childish for your disheartened tone but you truly didn’t understand why he was treating you so bad. You glanced at him when he didn’t immediately respond and his face softened at your sad expression.

He sighed softly, taking his other headphone out and leaning back against the headboard. You watched him from the side of your eye as he patted the spot next to him and waited for you to climb fully onto the bed.

You hesitatingly did what he said. You didn’t want to acknowledge the fact it was rare you spent time in Jake’s bed with your clothes on. He wasn’t like the others in terms of cuddling or taking naps together and you slightly appreciated the show of vulnerability.

“You didn’t do anything.” He was saying once you were situated. You weren’t sitting that close but your shoulders were pressed together. His legs were laid out flat down the length of the bed and you were sat hugging your knees as they were pulled tight to your chest for comfort.

“So why are you being so mean.” You voice broke slightly and he swayed a bit into you, bringing your attention to him.

He was holding his hand out, palm up, on his lap and you looked at it for a few seconds in frozen shock. Jake was blankly offering you affection and comfort and you were starting to get worried something was really wrong for him to be acting so out of character. Still, you took his hand in yours and waited to see what he was going to say.

“I think I’m losing my mind.” He was laughing as he was saying it but it was dry and humorless, a sad heavy tone to his words.

You didn’t say anything and gave him a second to explain, squeezing his hand and trying not to think about how strange it was that he started to rub yours with his thumb in smooth circles.

“I think you’re making me lose my mind honestly.” He was turning his head to look at you for a second and your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I’ve noticed it for a while but I think Heeseung being a dickhead really made it a sure thing.”

You felt like you were holding his breath as he spoke, still not sure where exactly this line of conversation was heading towards. You felt a tightness in your chest at the thought he might suggest you stop sleeping together, or even worse, you stop being friends.

Maybe hearing Heeseung directly mock him in a way, woke him up to the fact they were both involved with you.

“Then he told me you left that party with Sunghoon and I didn’t think I could ignore it anymore.” With every word he spoke you were becoming more and more certain your current arrangement wasn’t working out and he was about to completely remove himself from it.

“What can I do to fix this?” You were squeezing his hand as you spoke. You respected his comfortably but the thought of Jake not wanting to be with you anymore and thus pulling himself even further from your tight knit group made your stomach lurch.

He let out a soft laugh at your statement, shaking his head and leaning into you again so you swayed slightly to the side.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He was explaining his reasoning for the laugh and still shaking his head. “I know the rules and I fucked up, it’s my fault.”

This confused you even further. What rule was he implying he broke? He could be saying he’s longing for exclusivity but he hasn’t broken that yet even if he is finding himself insecure or jealous and you highly doubt he’d told anybody about your arrangement considering he barely talked about it amongst the five of you.

“What are you talking about?” You urged and he slowly looked over at you again, an expectant and nervous expression on his face like he was waiting for you to piece it together any second now.

When you finally did you felt the breath get knocked out of you, your hand going limp in his and your mouth parting in a shocked exhale. He grimaced at your reaction but he didn’t move or pull away, letting you process the fact that he was seemingly saying he had developed feelings for you.

“I know you’re inlove with Heeseung… or maybe Jay I’m not sure but I just needed to tell you.” His voice was strangely vulnerable and for the first time in your life you were saying him look upset and out of control, his mouth moving faster than his thoughts as he rambled on. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick that probably didn’t help my case at all, I was just freaking out.”

You didn’t say anything for a while and tried to decide how honest you wanted to be in this situation.

He was right and you weren’t denying it anymore, feeling more and more suffocated everytime you felt your heart warm or your stomach tighten with happiness around one of the boys. He was right about who you were in love with and he was also wrong that you weren’t in love with him.

If anything, you had loved Jake first and most passionately. You’d been glued to him since the second you saw him on your front porch and you’ve stuck by him despite his bad habits and people constantly warning you that no good could come from a boy like that. Because good did come from Jake for you and you’d always been sure of that even when things were messy.

When you first moved in together and you had barely enough money for rent, Jake was working multiple odd jobs late into the night to make sure you all had meals on the table and you didn’t have to worry about missing too many classes to try to individually support yourselves. You were a family and you shared resources because you wanted to see everybody thrive together, not just one person or one pair.

Jake was the type of person who befriended Heeseung without a second thought because he looked lonely and nervous and he was the type of person who you still felt you needed to see at the end of a hard day even after all these years passed.

So you think a large part of you always knew you were in love with Jake, maybe that was the reason you’d established the second rule in the first place. You never thought he’d date you or even really see you as somebody he could do that with, normally teasing each other or sitting in comfortable silence outside of when you were having sex.

You let yourself bury it down deep, to never be unearthed, and you watched him continue to be the funny and out of the box boy he’s always been.

He didn’t need to know you loved him, you didn’t need to make things weird or ruin such a good thing while it had managed to survive everything else thrown your way. So to go through all that and now hear him say the things you’d been biting your tongue on for over a decade, you felt a bit breathless.

Your first instinct was to tell him he was wrong and that you did love him, more than he could ever know. But he wasn’t wrong and you felt bad lying to him.

But you also weren’t sure you could bring yourself to tell him that you loved the others too. You were barely processing it yourself, you knew of people who had multiple crushes or even multiple partners but somehow throughout this whole arrangement, you never considered being able to be with all of them at the same time.

On the other hand, you also never considered having to choose one of them.

Heeseung was the light you needed in your life. Things didn’t feel hard around him and you could just have fun and bounce off his intoxicating puppy like energy. And you knew he truly loved you, certain of it for the first time in your life.

He never rushed you to be with him or implied he was upset that you always stopped your hookups before things got to that point. He was patient and warm.

Jay was similar to him in that aspect but he had an added sense of being grounded that Heeseung lacked. He’d always make sure you ate on days you couldn’t find the space to remember and he took care of the other boys just as eagerly despite not knowing them for as long as you had all known each other.

Realistically Jay probably had figured out you loved Jake, being kind enough to never bring it up and only giving you vague advice when you inevitably found yourself teary eyed in his bed looking for comfort. It wasn’t a rebound thing, or seeking what Jake didn’t give you in him, you just genuinely felt most comfortable and safe when you were around him.

Sunghoon had been the most recent development for you.

He was always an anchor in your life, both as unruly kids and misbehaving teenagers. You knew nobody would ever be as important to you as him but you hadn’t fully considered the idea of being with him in the extra way that dating required.

Yet you hadn’t stopped thinking about what it felt like to kiss him and more importantly your mind had been replaying the gentle way he kissed your cheek. You’d never seen him with that look in his eye before and you wondered how long he’d been looking at you like that without you noticing.

“I am in love with Heeseung.” You finally responded to Jake now, turning on your knees so you could fully face him as you said the heavy weighted words. His face dropped at your sudden statement before he was slowly nodding in acceptance. “But I’m in love with you too.”

He didn’t say anything when you said this, face unchanging like he was waiting for you to deliver the punchline of a joke.

When he realized you were insanely serious, your eyes teary as you anxiously chewed on your lip and rocked slowly back and forth on your knees, a self soothing action you didn’t even realize you were doing, his face changed.

“Oh.” His one worded response made you feel sick and your watched him with desperate eyes as you waited for him to continue. “Somehow I didn’t see that coming.”

You groaned softly at his attempt at a joke, leaning forward so your head was hitting his knee and you were able to grab his hand that he had left loose in his lap since you abandoned it.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice broke in a cry and you looked down at your conjoined hands, not be able to see his confused expression for another second. “Do you hate me?”

“Hate you for what? Why are you sorry?” His voice was smooth and calm, taking you by surprise as he cupped your cheek with his free hand and lifted your head so you were looking at him again.

“Sorry for falling inlove with people you’ve spent your whole life with? What’s wrong with that?” He was reassuring you and you imagined you looked extremely confused and thrown off because he smiled softly.

You shook your head through your tears, face scrunched up as you tried to make sense of what he was saying to you.

“You don’t care that I’m inlove with somebody else, with all of you?” He didn’t look at all surprised as you spoke, bringing up the fact it was more than just him and Heeseung.

“I mean it’s definitely a surprise but it makes sense when I think about it.” He was shrugging and weirdly casual, almost like he was just relieved to have his feelings reciprocated. You never treated him any different even when you started sleeping with Jay or forming your strange relationship with Heeseung. He was starting to think you had way more than enough love for all of them.

It was silent for a few seconds as you both looked at eachother, observing the multiple pieces of new information you’ve just brought to light.

“Do they know?” He was asking after a bit, voice so soft it was almost a whisper.

“I’ve never said it until now.” You suddenly flushed at the reminder you had just casually done the one thing you swore you never would. He gave you a smile that looked prideful, like he was prepared to brag he heard it first. “I think if any of them know it’s Hee.”

“Because he’s obsessed with you.” He said it matter of factly, always teasing your friend for his obvious feelings towards you.

You half laughed at his joke, not fully being able to relax at the thoughts of how many different ways this could go wrong. Jake was okay with it but who knew how the others would react and even if they accepted it for now, you knew a relationship like this wouldn’t be easy or conventional.

You had no idea what you were going to do and you were starting to feel yourself cry again, squeezing Jake’s hand absentmindedly. He was scooting forward on the bed so he could wrap his arms around you slightly, rubbing your back.

“Maybe I should bring them in here and we can have a talk. Does that sound okay?” He was whispering and you were nodding your head before he even finished talking, knowing that was the best idea.

He pressed a loving kiss to the side of your head before getting up and disappearing out of the room.

You felt worse at his absence, scooting back against the headboard now that you were alone and sniffling softly as you anxiously waited for him to return, this time with a lot more company. You were trying to think of what you were going to say but nothing was coming to you and you realized you were just going to have to wing it.

That idea was completely blown out of the ball park when you actually saw them, following swiftly behind Jake with varying levels of worry and distress on their faces. Minus Sunghoon who seemed calm, more so than usual, and almost expectant.

They silently sat around the bed and you felt your heart warm slightly seeing them all together like this, knowing it could potentially be the last time you did if things were to go as wrong as you were expecting. Jake was scooting back into his spot beside you, Jay following so he was on your other side. Heeseung climbed into the middle of the bed and hesitantly placed a comforting hand on your knee like he wasn’t sure it was appropriate.

Your gaze locked on Sunghoon’s as he sat on the end of the bed, slightly distanced from the rest of you.

“Do you want to say it or should I?” Jake was murmuring from beside you and you appreciated his nice gesture, willing to take the heat of voicing it out loud.

“She should say it.” Sunghoon was immediately disagreeing in a stern voice and all of your eyes went to him. You noticed a slightly hurt look in his eyes and you were beginning to think he didn’t know as much as you assumed he did. “If you guys are together now, she should be the one to tell us.”

He immediately proved you right in your assumption, clearly misreading the situation and coming to a false conclusion.

You felt a heavy guilt and sadness wash over you at the thought of how he must’ve been feeling this entire time, sitting and thinking you had chosen Jake after just sending him mixed signals by hooking up with him. You wished he wasn’t sitting so far away so you could reach out and touch him but now you understood why he was.

“We aren’t together.” You were shaking your head and Jake nudged your side gently with his elbow, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively with a smirk and trying to lighten the situation. “Okay well maybe we are apparently but it’s more than that.”

You looked over to see their reactions and if anybody had caught on to what was happening yet. Heeseung was looking down at his hands with furrowed eyebrows, betrayal and sadness radiating off of him but Jay on the other side of you almost looked happy for you, a soft calm smile on his face.

“I want to date Jake.” You started to explain, hands coming out in front of you in slight frustration for your lack of words. You decided to just say it outright. “But I want to date Heeseung too, and also Jay. Sunghoon you too.”

Similarly to how it was when you said this to Jake earlier, the room fell silent and you almost bodily cringed at the way the words seem to just hang in the air obnoxiously. You wanted to curl into a ball and not move until they all left the room.

You didn’t want to look at their expressions, not sure you could handle the confusion and possibly heartbreak on their faces at this news. You were still figuring that this was going to be the end of it all and knowing you were sitting here and tearing apart your family for the selfish sliver of hope they could accept your feelings was crushing you.

“I mean,” Jake was clearing his throat from next to you and you glanced at him expectantly. “Feel however you guys feel but, just for the record, I’m okay with it.”

“What?” Sunghoon’s voice sounded just as upset as it had before you clarified and you forced yourself to look at him. His body was turned towards you guys now like he wasn’t sure he was hearing you properly. “How could you be okay with that?”

“Personally I don’t think it’d be that different.” Jay sounded casual next to you and you turned your teary eyes towards him just in time to see his shoulders fall from a nonchalant shrug. “I’m basically already dating Y/N while she’s with you guys so what’s the major shift in adding an official label to it.”

“She may be with you guys but she’s not with me.” Sunghoon was scoffing and you looked at him again, slightly hurt at his angry words. He wasn’t one to lose his temper but you imagine the fact it’d only been a new development between the two of you was making it harder on him than the others, who had plenty experience being with you. Both alone and in pairs.

“But I want to be.” You were telling him as earnestly as you could, scooting forward slightly so he’d keep his attention on you. You wanted him to see how sincere you were, not wanting him to feel like a last choice. “I’m not saying it just so you’re included, I really mean it.”

“It’s always been you and Jake.” He was spitting, looking more frustrated at your closing distance. “After all these years suddenly you notice me?”

The other boys didn’t say anything, understanding this was something that dated back before their addition to the friend group. You didn’t speak immediately either, professing what he was trying to say.

Sunghoon was displaying insecurity you’d never seen from him before and you felt a wave of guilt at the fact you’d never even considered it to be something he’d feel. If he had any feelings for you other than sexual, he’d done a good job at hiding it but you felt shameful that he had apparently felt left out or like you’d picked Jake over him at some point.

“You’re crazy Hoon.” Heeseung was finally speaking and Sunghoon dropped your gaze to look at the boy. You couldn’t see his expression since he was looking over his shoulder to face your upset friend. “I knew she was inlove with you guys the day I met you all, atleast you had a shot.”

“Are you not listening to what she’s saying?” Jay suddenly sounded annoyed and you could feel him tensing next to you.

The room got quiet again as you all looked over at him. You were starting to feel like you were getting whiplash from the constant focus changes, mixed with the different statements and scenarios suddenly being confessed.

“You all had a shot, and guess what it landed dude.” It was weird hearing Jay sound so fed up but as he implied earlier, he clearly has been observing this long enough to know it without being told, having entered the group most recently and spent alot of intimate time with you. “She loves you all, us all.”

He was looking at you as he said the last two words, correcting himself with a small smile on his face. You tried to return the warmness in his eyes despite the tears still clouding your vision.

“You love me?” Heeseung was talking again, sounding breathless like he had just fully processed what was happening. His eyes were big and round and you felt your heart warm at the sight of him. You knew suddenly that no matter what happened now, you had made the right choice.

“Of course I love you.” You said it to him more directly and he looked overwhelmed for a second before smiling softly at you and nodding.

“For what it’s worth, I don’t necessarily need to be making out with you idiots but I do love you guys too.” Jake was shrugging from beside you and you heard Jay snort a laugh on your other side at his casual comments.

“This is actually what you want to do?” Sunghoon was finally talking again but he looked and sounded a lot less angry, still having a slightly guarded expression on his face.

You looked at each boy carefully, all laying together in different ways on Jake’s bed and your heart felt full and happy, most of all safe. They’d been your family for so long and you didn’t want to be anywhere else, with any of them missing or somebody different in their place.

“More than anything.”