#and idfk how to cope anymore i really do fucking not

[angelstrawbabie420]

ive got to get my shit together holy fuck

[furiousofpanda]

Little regretevator headcannons of mine or ones I agree with to some extent. Primarily I prefer how the are canonically with a few fanon things here and there that really wouldn't change much.

Pest being very interested in prototype (mechanics wise) and ends up being like a mean uncle who pushes prototypes limits

Emphoso is responsible for the Mr. Maneuveror to some extent. Mr is not alive anymore but more of an object moved by a spirit. Mr used to be a God that had legacy that overtime was forgotten but images of it still persist (as see with all the smiley face icons such as on the elevator floor, and paintings in game) Emphoso in my eyes is of a simular species of what Mr used to be pre-godhood before Mr. went into godhood, got shrinked when falling and turned to slate. Mr's spirit is not bound to the rock in particular.

Pest would actually strangle Poob if they were left alone. (I have a distate for how most pestpoob stuff is written personally)

Lampert has a large age gap between Wallter and Mark but is close friends with them, technically got "adopted" (not literally) by the two when they were married as an inside joke but they never actually treated Lampert like a child unless it was for a bit

Mark and Wallter still enjoy doing these bits after the divorce, infact it amplified them. They enjoy arguing sometimes when they are both in with the joke. Not all arguments are entertaining though and some almost can get verbally violent in a way that would entertain pest and folly.

Lampert and Kasper were friends before Kasper got infected (idfk if this is a cannon factor not but that's why I'm putting it here)

Unpleasant actually has a real body but it's on a different plane of existence and the gradient is a placeholder. Unironically Folly and Unpleasant might be able to tolerate eachother more than anyone else can tolerate them.

Infected wants to get better but feels physically/emotionlly unable to take care of himself (autism?) Also feels bad for not asking for help and tries to instead Mask it, making it worse.

Pilby and Mach have the most Aroace Platonic(?) Relationship out of the whole cast. It's more built on comfort and a general distaste for PDA, so nobody really knows what he fuck is going on between these two. As long as they r happy :)

Gnarpy has crashed so many spaceships that area 51 has run out of room to store them.

Spud is afraid of things like physical touch (after a bit of it bro explodes)

Emphoso has ties with Mach's Higher-ups

Gregoriah and Emphoso own large store chains, Gregoriah having 2 areas both ran by them (,one self automated, *cough* reddy) and only them and Emphoso hiring (selling their souls) of other employees like Emerson or that one mf on the button floor which is why they sound depressed or generally unhappy with their jobs.

Gregoriah is a workaholic (like Poob, probably to cope with something) and doest get out much

Poob is technically a demi-god (a status gifted by a trickster god) but is repressing the fact and tries to ignore it. This also means all forms of drugs or intoxication would have no effects on Poob. Despite this it does not make poob invincible, just tough.

Bive flirts with Split in her own way but Split is sort of oblivious to Bives love language for the most part. Despite this they are really good friends that have feelings for eachother but the don't act on it for the most part (I want them to kiss)

I'd write more but I'm on a break at work, I'll update this later when I can fact check som things

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[resonance-eternal]

.

It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry I missed your last few birthdays. It's not that I don't think of you. January 31st is still etched in my brain. I still sometimes try to find ways to observe it, but it's been hard. I don't really know how to address you after everything that happened. You get that, right? Idfk, I can't find the words, I suck at this haha.

You pointed a gun at mom. Tried to splash bleach in her face. What the fuck am I supposed to think about that? Like you know I'm fucked up about that, but it's an elephant in the room. Fuck's sake. I'm glad that it was you that caught yourself eventually, mom was so quick to stop myself from screaming after she told me what happened, talked about that sudden lucidity. Told her to call the cops and arrest you. Fuck, man. Why? Why did this happen to you? You didn't deserve this shit. WE didn't deserve this shit. But I don't hold it against you, you were so far gone and fucked up on so many drugs; was the only way to cope out there, shit was so hopeless, and you seemed so scared by the end. I knew something was wrong and you were hurt. You had this expression. I didn't see that look in your eye often, the sheer vulnerability and pain. Like every time I'd see you examining sea-life on the shorelines up here. I saw it a lot when you'd listen to Blue October with us, or Nine Inch Nails. I still listen to them, by the way! You remember Trent's "Ghosts" project? He released two new entries back in 2020. I think you would've loved them, it still goes down that "creepy Aphex Twin" kinda vibe. I know you never liked those, but I dunno. They make me think of you. They make me think of many I've lost, but also like many that never really happened to begin with. That sounds like stupid word salad, I know. But it felt right to say.

All those last days with you, I didn't know what to say after you were released from jail. I know you wanted psychiatric help, and you never really got what you needed there. I'm forever angry, I feel like they let you die. But sometimes that sensation creeps up and I remember the things I said after the incident. Or maybe it was the things I didn't say? It doesn't matter. The point is I wasn't there for you and I wasn't kind to you. I didn't know what to do. I was one kid struggling to live, themselves. But if you knew I didn't hate you, that I still loved you, that I still called you my dad, would you have waited at least one more day? Just one more day where I could see you. Maybe I could get you help if I went back in time today. I have what it takes, and the laws up here in Washington would have wiped away all your criminal history! I could have worked. Why did you fucking leave us? Mom and little Jay still wake up crying, locked doors still send Jay spiraling. It's been 6 years. Even if I had one day where I could have told you I loved you. I fucking hate knowing that I let things end so coldly between you and I. And I get scared, I sometimes wonder if you'd be disappointed in me today if you were still here. I made such colossal fuckups and did such reprehensible shit. I don't do anything with my life and I'm cold, lonely, boring and forgettable. I don't know if you'd ever see me as a girl, if you'd accept the real me. You always made those jokes when you were drunk, I wished you did that less but I was so spineless. I feel like no matter which way I slice it, I'm failing.

You were such a mess of a father, but god you fucking tried. But I still have to acknowledge you and mom abused me, when you were both still using. Mom's clean again now, and she finished her degree. I think you'd be really proud of her.

There's nothing I can do or say to really make amends anymore. You're dead. Gone. Nothing left. I hadn't seen you for weaks. I didn't even see your body. I would have fallen apart and I'm too chicken shit to handle that.

I don't believe in the afterlife, but I hope when this is all over I can find you again. I want to be your daughter, and I wanna catch up with you again. Talk about computer science and engineering shit like we used to. Watch shitty arthouse films. I fucking wish I took you up on that when I was younger. I was such trash. I'm done. I can't write anymore. I love you, dad. You left us too soon, and I'm sorry I didn't do more

[shangsclaws]

random shang tsung headcanons that no one asked for :)

This is reaaaaalllyy long y’all…pls read at ur own leisure 😭

can we also talk abt the way shang eyes raiden in this gif-

acted like a much, much, much ruder version of Kung Lao when he was Kung Lao’s mk11 age

is acutely aware that he comes off as unnerving if he flirts as his older self. so he simply plays the wise old man without much complaint (unless they were into rlly old men…then he flirts like fuck all lol)

is very good friends with the people who helped construct his island, make his gear, etc — art is one of the few ways he’s found to cope with whatever the fuck happens when u live for 10,000 yrs

hates having to kill said people and actively avoids doing so as much as possible

believes he met his soulmate at the golden age of 17-20ish, and, deep down, continues living as long as he has bc he also believes in reincarnation

it was puppy love for sure lol

he’s met people who looked even remotely like his soulmate, and has tried desperately to recreate how it felt to fall in love all those years ago. it never works.

when things don’t work, he lets them go, but refuses to hurt them for petty reasons like he usually does. instead he just…idk…gives them selective amnesia??? anything for them to forget it happened

and he feels very upset when this happens…it’s almost depressive, but he’s lived for so long that depression basically feels like a mild inconvenience 😭

smells really good….idek why i hc this but he just….he looks like he smells irresistible idfk

walks around the island topless when he knows no one is visiting

hums a lot

he has tears on the ends of his cape if u look closely to what old version him is wearing in the dlc cutscenes — he probably said some out of pocket shit to Nightwolf or Fujin in the void and got his ass BEAT to next week 😭

suggestive hcs:

horrendously good at pleasing the female body not just bc of experience….but bc of shape shifting

that said he’s good at pleasing anyone he’s had the chance to shapshift into on his ‘downtime’. it’s a ‘tailored experience’ if you will 😭

had a fling with sindel. the way they interact in aftermath is just…he had a fling with sindel

idk if sindel was even alive when shao kahn took over edenia (cos didn’t she ‘kill herself’??), but if she was, then he had a fling w sindel while sindel was banging shao kahn. felt like a million bucks every time.

likes males who are much, much bigger than him (is that what u call a size kink?). like Shao/Kotal/fucking Goro huge. either it’s bc he likes feeling small for a change, or bc he likes the thought of dominating someone who is probably stronger than him by all means

you are legally not allowed to say that he doesn’t use the same chains he summons in his fatality in bed. becuase he does. it’s not a hc anymore it’s certified kanon 😤

[embcrry]

ok thisss took wayyy longer than i’d expected . like it’s fucking midnight ? like guys im such a mess omfg . anywaysss * tana mongeau vc “ welcome to my trash bin daught or welcome back to my trash bin daughter ... what ? was ? that ? idfk . if you wanna plot with my overly tired ass give this post a like and i’ll love you down i promise !! also i apologize for how long this intro is going to be in advance !

new york’s very own  𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐄 " 𝐄𝐌𝐌𝐀 " 𝐁𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐘 was spotted on broadway street in 𝘓𝘖𝘜𝘉𝘖𝘜𝘛𝘐𝘕 𝘌𝘓𝘖𝘐𝘚𝘌 𝘉𝘖𝘖𝘛𝘚  . your resemblance to barbara palvin is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your 𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃  birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being guarded , but also dependable  . i guess being a 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be  𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘶𝘱, 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘫𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘯 + 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘸𝘬𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴  .  &  ( female & she/her  )  +  ( faith , 21 , she/her , est . )

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

FULL NAME : emilie sierra berry . NICKNAME : emma , em , emma bear ( by her little sister ) . BIRTH DATE : march 1st , 1998 . AGE : 22 . GENDER : female ( cis ) . PRONOUNS : she + her . ORIENTATION :  pansexual ( attractions are equal ) , panromantic ( leans more toward women ) . BIRTH PLACE : brisbane , australia ( see home here ) . the family still owns this house but don’t use it much . HOMETOWN : new york city ( upper west side ) , new york ( see home here ) . her dad + little sister still live here today . CURRENT LOCATION : new york city ( upper east side ) , new york ( see home here ) . moved in one year ago after break up . EDUCATION LEVEL : highschool diploma .   OCCUPATION : olympic swimmer ( emulated after katie ledecky ) , socialite , escort ( no one knows ) . NET WORTH : 32million ( every year up until she’s twenty five she receives a percentage of her trust fund ) . FAMILY NET WORTH : 3.1billion ( father ) , 4.8billion ( mother + step - father ) . PARENTS : adrian berry ( father , 51 , hedge fund manager ) , natasha laffont ( mother , 48 , former super model + philanthropist ) , thomas laffont ( step - father , 50 ,  businessman + art collector ) . SIBLINGS : tatiana berry ( sister , 10 , student + ballet dancer ) , bradley laffont ( step-brother , 24 , new york rangers player ) . PETS : jagger ( ragdoll cat , picture ) , maggie ( pomeranian - husky , picture ) . NATIONALITY : australian - american . ETHNICITY : hungarian . CLOTHING STYLE : expensive yet casual ; alot of black , hoodies , leather is a staple , high end sneakers , boots , colorful suits . JEWELRY : gold ; dangly earring , cartier bracelet , tiffany rings , barbell nipple piercings. DIET : pescitarian , no dairy ( lactose intolerant ) . WORK OUT HABITS : six times a week ( mostly boxing + swimming  ) . PERSONALITY : guarded ; there is nothing emma hates more than talking about her feelings or letting anyone know who she’s feeling , she has trouble trusting people for good reason ( the girls trust issues have trust issues yall ) + dependable ; if you need anything in the world go to emma she will move mountains to get shit down for you , she’s very punctual , and super disciplined probably due to being an olympian + goofy ; she doesn’t take much too seriously tbh , ( similar to joey + phoebe from friends ) she can be a bit of a space cadet and that always ends in her making everyone laugh + stubborn ; one thing is for sure about emma she’s extremely hard headed , loves getting her way , and is incredibly unforgiving . 

𝐁𝐈𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐘 ( in bullets )

her parents met during college , where they both attended princeton university . natasha , her mom , was in the middle of her modeling career completely blowing up while adrian was already setting the foundation of his investment company . they had a whirlwind romance and were married just a year after adrian graduated from princeton . both coming from old money , emma’s grandparents on both sides are extremely meticulous about the image of their family + so the same mentality was instilled in adrian + natasha .

 emma spent the first nine years of her life in brisbane , australia . her parents had moved out to australia just a couple years before she was born for the sake of making her father’s company an international success . 

with her parents always off doing something , emma was raised by her nanny + butler . when she was six she expressed her desire to get into swimming after watching michael phelps in the 2004 summer olympics . she was in absolute awe by him + wanted to be just like him . so the next day her nanny spoke to her parents and later that day she was enrolled into a local swimming program .

when she was nine her parents broke the news to her that they were moving to new york . at first she wasn’t all too mad about the move , she didn’t have many friends in school , wasn’t a big fan of her teachers , and knew the one thing she loved she could still do in new york . her outlook on the move changed when she found out that her nanny + butler would not be making the move across the equator with them though . how dare her parents steal the only people who’d ever taken care of her away from her ? she thought . she threw an absolute fit in protest ; completely wrecking the home + locking herself away in the bathroom in her room for nearly 20 hours before her nanny talked her into coming out . 

once in new york , emma was miserable . she had tantrums everyday and even stopped swimming for a few months . what inevitably pulled her out of her funk was a trip disneyland paris + her mom bringing her out to buy a whole new wardrobe . yall ever heard of a spoiled brat ?

once she was open to the idea of new york she kind of fell in love with the city , to be honest . she grew close to her new nanny + butler , of course and fell in love with her new swimming coach .

when she was fourteen her parents got a divorce and just six months later her mom was married to a billionaire living in connecticut with a son just two years older than emma . anyone with a brain could put together that her mom had been cheating on her dad , that was except for her dad who’d fallen into denial that his ex - wife would come back . 

[ trigger warning : alcoholism , child abuse , violence ] after months of listening to her father , emma broke , the two got in a huge screaming match about how her mom wasn’t coming back saying things like “this is so pathetic, stop graveling over a women who doesn’t want you” + “she doesn’t want you” + “just move on, she’s never coming back, she’s fucking an art collector in connecticut”. mind you she’s fourteen talking to her dad like this , yikes . he started spiraling after that , drinking heavily , doing coke more than just at events , and when emma copped an attitude he’d hit her . it started with just a rough slap , pushing her into the pool or down the stairs , and then it turned into punching her . it got so bad her coach started noticing during swim practices and inevitably threatened her dad , either he let her move in with him or he’d call the police . so , not wanting a tarnished reputation , her dad sent her off to live with her swim coach .

[ trigger warning : grooming ] life with her swim coach was cool , she got to swim alot more plus he was extremely high profile due to sending swimmers to the olympics as well acting in a few movies so she got to go to alot of events with him all across the world . she enjoyed her time with him more than she’d enjoyed the entirety of her life and then he got her to the 2012 olympics in london + her trust and appreciation for him sky rocketed . in her eyes no one int he world could or did love her more .

coming back from the olympics , her had fully sobered up and was ready to bring emma back home .  her and her coach weren’t completely gun ho for the move but she inevitably moved back home with her father .

[ trigger warning : statutory rape ] just a month after being back home , her coach started being a little too touchy with her . she felt uncomfortable by his advances but figured her was only taking care of her . then he kissed her and she was pretty creeped out so she asked what he was doing , basically the creep told her he was just missing her alot because she wasn’t living with him and reminded her about how he was really the only person who cared about her . she accepted what he said and soon after they started sleeping together regularly . he didn’t even have to tell her not to tell anyone , she innately knew if she ever told anyone he wouldn’t be her coach anymore and emma just wasn’t willing to lose the best coach she’d ever had . this continued for a little over a year until she went to the doctors and her mom went with her , her mom stayed in the room because the check up wasn’t all that invasive + then when her doctor asked her if she was sexually active her mom answered no but emma , not wanting to lie , stayed silent . she inevitably confessed at the appointment that she was sexually active . her mom freaked out and wanted to know who but of course emma didn’t spill that . she inevitably lied and said some guy she went to school with . within a week her mom found out she lied and refused to let emma go anywhere until she confessed who she was sleeping with . knowing her mom wouldn’t let up she told her it was her coach + that it wasn’t a big deal . but emma knew it was . her mom gave her coach an ultimatum he either quit coaching for good or she’d turn him in . she he quit and emma never heard from him again . 

she stopped talking to her more directly after that + stopped going back to connecticut for the weekends like she had been since her parents divorce . she was now sixteen without a swimming coach + completely mad at the world .  she’d had a rough few years , to say the least . she turned to partying , HEAVY , to cope with it all . she slept with anyone who so much as gave her a second look she didn’t care if they were older than her , had a girlfriend / boyfriend , if you were into her you could have her . it took her almost five months before she committed to a swim coach + they really whipped her back into shape . no more partying , emma went from school to practice and then home . it was awfully boring for the new party girl but she had one of the best coaches in the world + they promised to stop coaching her had she not listened to their every word . the only thing she cared more about then letting loose was going to another olympics . 

she attended a private school in manhattan where she completely smashed each and everyone of the school, districts , and state records in swimming . she was never big into her academics but she upheld a b average for the sake of being able to stay on the schools swimming team . if she received anything less than a b she would guilt her dad into giving her school a donation so they’d give her the grade she felt she deserved . 

she graduated from highschool in 2016 and although she was accepted into multiple schools across the nation , with athletic full ride offers from each school  , but she inevitably declined each school because she did want to spend another second behind a desk . knowing her dad would never approve of her not going to college , with his ivy league education ass , she lied to him and said she was attending nyu . 

she went to the 2016 olympics in rio and completely dominated ( 4 gold medals , 1 silver + breaking five world/olympic/american records in the meets ) . 

just months in 2017 her dad started to pick up on her lie about attending college . telling her she needed to enroll immediately or he’d cut her off . calling his bluff she didn’t enroll . she quickly learned that he wasn’t bluffing when he completely cut her off , telling her she had a month to find a place to live and move out .  

thanks to her olympics money + her endorsements with tyr sports + adidas she had enough money to get an apartment but her saving would deplete quick so she knew she needed to do something to make alot of money + quick .

desperate and running out of time emma joined seeking arrangements under an alias as sierra meyers . there were a few success and plenty of total blunders on the site but she got lucky with the first women she met with who offered to get her into escorting . emma didn’t even give it a second thought before she said yes , the only thing she asked is that the clientele not want her to attend highly publicized events with her as she's quickly get caught due to her socialite status   . 

within a year she’d made half of what her entire lifes work had made her , she grew obsessed with escorting and what made it crazy was there were people who would pay her half a million just to have dinner and talk with her . of course , those were the unicorns though because most wanted to sleep with her at the end of the night . 

when she turned twenty one her dad gave in and gave her back her blackcard + even offered to move her back into the house , she took the credit card but decided to continue living outside of his walls . 

she could’ve quit escorting right then and there , but she’d grown an addiction if you will to her work . there was something about the secrecy of it + her ability to make millions so easily that kept her going .

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

former roommate ; these two moved in together after her dad kicked her out + even though she moved in with someone else months after they signed the lease she payed them for her half of the rent for the rest of the lease , ex ; they dated when she was cut off by her dad + they inevitably moved into together they could of had a rocky or really good relationship by broke up around this time last year , the guy she “ lost “ her virginity to ; he didn’t actually take her virginity , in truth these two could very well have never even slept together but he’s the guy she lied to her about sleeping with to cover up sleeping with her coach he found out about her lie when emma’s mom asked his parents if he was sleeping with emma we can decide where things went from there between these two , suspicious friend ; they’re starting to pick up on her random disappearing + secrecy , maybe they start following her at some point and inevitably confront her about escorting or maybe they think she’s doing something else and accuse her of that ? , first girlfriend , more exes , people she’s slept with , someone who she slept with + they had a significant other , fellow olympians , travel buddy , podcast co-host ; these two came up with an idea recently to start a podcast , they haven't released it just yet but it’d be similar to call her daddy / impulsive !

[abcdosaka]

i think im also annoyed cuz (surprise!) my roommate, fucking genius that she is, aimed the kitchen sink tap right at my dish rack (idfk why to clean something i guess) and water got all over the counter and she didnt even fuckin clean it up properly.

i honestly truly hate this bitch in particular. i thought i hated the other dumbass more but no, J’s definitely the worst of the two. the thing is she’s so fuckin friendly that i can’t really be mean when i know its differences in how we were raised but still. i was raised in a place that was almost never clean and i still became the clean freak i am now lol. i guess i was also raised to be a doormat so this was inevitable maybe. honestly im not even a fuckin clean freak i just wish i wouldn’t have to pick up after other people. (just remember its better than being at home, anything is better than being at home)

it wont even be better next term. maybe it’ll be a bit better bc i’ll barely be at home and apparently theres a guy who lives there permanently as a cleaner. but itll be shit cuz i have too many fuckin classes. idk. i wish i was still in that state i was in during summer 2017 when i was working 8 hours 3 days a week and doing summer classes all june. i was so focused and honestly maybe not that happy but its more like i didnt even have time to think. i didn’t need anything to cope either. i just did shit. i had a routine. how did i do that?

i remember during that summer, on one of my off days at work i woke up at 10-ish am the next day and missed one of the live classes and i was so mad i started crying. honestly i dont remember how i felt back then. i think i was just always tired but i still did things no question. why cant i do that now? am i just burned out? how have i been burned out for so fucking long? its like ive been in a constant state of burnout since summer 2019. i cant even be sure its burnout or i might just be lazy. wtf is wrong with me? is it cuz i have no positive reinforcement? or is it just cuz i give less of a shit now? thats probably the answer isnt it. back then i really cared about the end goal. doing well in bio, making sure my boss likes me, those were solid and comprehensible. they made sense to try to achieve. but now....i question shit a lot and its making me unhappy. i think its probably more courageous to question if what im aiming for is right but i dont know anymore. i dont want to think anymore. i dont wanna talk anymore. i just wanna do.

[snarkyowl]

Can’t Help But Wonder Why

honestly this is so shitty idfk man.

Chase is left wondering why.

Chase Brody had a long of things on his mind that morning. The day the sun rose into a clear sky, perfect shades of orange and yellow spilling across the horizon. Sunrise on the sun was, oddly enough, like anywhere else. One would think the sun wouldn’t have weather, but Chase hadn’t questioned it much.

Chase hadn’t slept, the morning he found himself settled on the very top of the septiceye household. Above it all he felt he could breathe, felt he could relax if only a little. Felt he could let his fatherly and idiotic expression fall away. He didn’t need to play a part while he was up here on his own.

People said that life on the sun was so much better than life on Earth. In a way, it was. Being a winged being was… Odd, though. He wished, many days, he wasn’t. Wished he didn’t exist in general, really.

If he wasn’t winged, though, he wouldn’t be like he is now. Wouldn’t have been created, forced into a story he didn’t want to play a role in.

He had an ex-wife he couldn’t remember marrying, two kids he barely remembered raising. Every story he told was made up from flashes of what he and Stacy had gone over remembering together with the kids. Well crafted lies.

Chase hated to lie to his new family, but he felt he had no choice. He couldn’t fill silences without stories to tell, so he told lies. Lies were easy for Chase to tell, and to say them with a convincing smile was even easier.

Chase felt like Jack’s cheap, half-assed replacement.

He would never, never, mention that to any of the others. How could he? He didn’t even begin to compare to Jack, not at all. He was pathetic, pitiable at best. How could he, Chase Brody, compare to Jack? He hadn’t even known Jack. The name doesn’t carry the same weight for him as it does for others, but it still carries with it a heavy weight. The name Jack, to Chase, is the name of a man he’s apparently too-similar to. His wings, his face.

Only difference they really had appearance wise, from what he’s learned, would be their eyes. Chase has, several times, considered burning his face just to distance himself further from Jack.

He plucks feathers sometimes, wondering if maybe he can get them to grow back different colors. They don’t, and he eventually starts doing it just for how it feels.

He feels he shouldn’t be so caught up on a dead man, but he can’t help it when he knows the only reason Anti let him in in the first place is because of his similarities with Jack. That hurts the most, he finds, because he loves Anti without comparing him to anyone he’s ever known.

Anti becomes family to him because Anti needs him, but to Anti he knows he’s just a sad attempt to replace all that Anti’s lost.

Some days he tries to convince himself that isn’t the case. When he flies with Anti, he foolishly believes for a moment he’s done it.

Of course not.

Anti calls him Jack, and Chase questions it like he doesn’t know. Because to Anti, he doesn’t know. To most of the others, he doesn’t know. He’ll play the fool, the ignorant one for their sake and because it’s the one thing he’s good at aside from letting other people walk all over him.

It’s disgusting how pathetic he is.

He talks to Anti quietly, as though he isn’t in pain too. Pretends that he’s not considering the fact he may never just be Chase because he’s too much like Jack and yet so different. Chase pretends this is all news to him because sometimes letting them think you don’t know is better than letting them know the grave is the first thing you found, and the pieces weren’t that hard to put together.

When Anti hugs him, he beams. He is happy, happy that Anti is hugging Chase for the moment and not Jack. Not happy enough for what he projects, but Anti doesn’t need to know that much.

Anti makes up with the others, and Chase feels his job is done.

Chase doesn’t distance himself, doesn’t ostracize himself completely. Anti is still broken, still needs him, but at least Anti is doing better. Genuinely better, not just using him as a coping method.

Soon, Chase is back on the roof again. He lets himself relax once more, lets the facade fall if only for a moment. His wings drop like lead weights to his sides, and he slumps forward as though the bones in his torso just can’t support him anymore.

Chase lets himself, in that moment, be exhausted. Everything aches, every part of his body is begging him to just go back to his nest like he wants to.

He doesn’t, though, because he has things to do.

The sound of someone flying up makes him straighten up again, wings folding on his back like they should be. His expression turns from lost and morose to simply thoughtful and a little lost as whoever it is lands behind him.

The clicking of the shoes expose it to be Dark, and Chase let everything fall again. Dark already knew everything there was to know. Had already picked him apart piece by piece and found what makes Chase Brody tick.

Already knew how broken up he was.

“Finally here to collect?” “I am.” “What do you want?”

The next morning, every sound beats through his head incessantly and interrupts any thought he may have been able to settle in on. He blinks, and day turns to night.

That should have been enough to startle him, but it doesn’t. Instead, the knocking at his door and worried voice of Schneep is what scares him. He’s spent the whole day in his room apparently, what’s his excuse?

In the end, he panics over a lie so badly he vomits. This makes Schneep assume he’s ill, and soon he’s taking medicine and eating chicken noodle soup.

A few days later, he leaves the house with no real plan or destination in mind. He just wanders for most of the day, and when he finally gets home he promises Henrik that he’s already eaten plenty and isn’t hungry. He ignores the looks he gets as he makes his way to his room, wings drooping ever so slightly on  his back. He’s not sure where he is when he blinks his eyes open. It’s an odd feeling, he feels��� Claustrophobic. Carefully, and with one hand only, he reaches up. Ice floods his vein as his palm rests against hard wood.

Oh.

They buried him. He should be dead, then, shouldn’t he?

He panics quickly after that, crying out and slamming his hands into the top of the coffin because he isn’t dead, please he’s still alive-

He hears the laughter, and then the coffin opens. He sits up, and a microphone is shoved into his face. Warfstache asks something, but Chase is so upset he can’t focus on what it is. Chase shoves the microphone and Warfstache away because he feels sick and as upset as he is right now he’s not going to risk vomitting on the show host.

He hits the floor with a grunt, wings flapping as though they’ve got a mind of their own. As he stumbles to his feet, hands try to help them and in his panic he screams for them to keep the fuck away from him.

Finally, he straightens up and finds himself staring Anti in the eyes. Anti? He’d been in on this, then.

“How would you find me in a coffin being funny?” It’s the first thing that comes to Chase’s mind, and he watches Anti’s expression fall.

“It ̵wa̶s͢ ́jus͡t ̢śu̶pp͡o̕se̡d͏ ̀to̶ b͞e a p̛r҉àn҉ķ,̨ ̸Cha͝se. I̧ ̶di͢d̨ń't̡ ͟th̷i̕nk͡-”

“You didn’t think it’d be so bad?” Chase’s tone is accusing, but he still feels like he’s going to be sick and his breathing is still coming in gasps.

“You didn’t fucking think at all, did you? Oh it’ll be fine, Chase can take it! Right? That’s what you thought?” Chase snarls, and Anti steps back out of genuine fear.

“He’s chill so he won’t freak out! Right? Right?” Chase demands, and he’s so incredibly mad.

Anti’s expression, though, is enough to make him stop. His breathing is harsh, and he ends up on his knees with a hand over his mouth. Anti remains still in his shock as Schneep barrels into the room, cursing violently. He knocks people out of the way, finally going to his knees by Chase.

Chase is sobbing by then, sobbing and screaming and he doesn’t know what’s going on anymore. He doesn’t want to die, he tells them, he just wants to be left alone. Why he says it he doesn’t know, but in the next instant something’s stabbing his neck and he’s getting drowsy.

He wakes up in a hospital bed, monitors beeping around him. There’s someone with him, and a quick check reveals Anti. Chase breathes in deeply once, lets it out. He detaches himself from the monitors, carefully, one by one. Anti jerks awake as the heart monitor signals a flatline, and Chase winces at the sound.

Henrik appears, looking sleep deprived and terrified. Chase feebly smiles at the both of them, but it falls as he’s scolded for undoing everything. Schneep helps  him finishing freeing himself, though, because now that he’s awake there’s no reason to keep him there.

Anti follows him outside, and Chase turns to face  him.

“Anti.” He sounds stern, father.

Play the father.

“I̧ ̢re̴a͘lly didn̵'t̴ th͜in҉k ͏y͢o͡u̡'d get̵ ́so u͝p̸set,̴ C̛ha̢s̴e̕. I͢'m̧ s̕o͟rry̡.́”

The apology is sincere, and Chase nods. Despite the fact he’s been knocked out for a while now, he feels exhausted. He doesn’t have the energy to be mad or upset. “It’s fine.” He states, gentle and with a pleasant smile.

Anti looks unconvinced, but nods and uncomfortably heads off to his own room.

Chase knows, logically, they weren’t laughing over the fact he was dead. They were laughing at his panic, though he wasn’t sure that was any better. He’s sitting in his window, legs dangling out over the ledge as he contemplates the whole incident.

Contemplating the incident takes a turn when he falls.

He’s not sure if he fell asleep and fell, or just let himself fall as he plummets toward the ground. He moves as though trying to correct himself to fly, but the energy leaves him and he continues his descent.

Despite the wind screaming around him, he hears Anti’s voice screaming for him.

I’m sorry, he wants to say, I know you lost him like this too. Yet nothing comes out as Anti crashes into him. Unfortunately Anti fumbles and Chase’s descent continues, only this time with less momentum.

He falls through trees first. They rip into his wings and slice his arms and face, and as he cracks off a particularly large branch he finds he doesn’t feel any of it. He hears Anti again, sees him  up above. Fastest flier can’t fly fast enough, the ground isn’t gentle as she catches him. Anti wails, and Chase loses consciousness.

For the second time he wakes to beeping monitors, but this time he’s also greeted by pain. It hits so suddenly and so harshly he lets out a pained whine, loud in the otherwise quiet clinic. Someone nearby stirs, and Schneep comes into view. He looks like hell, and Chase’s heart aches to know he did that. He caused that.

“Chase- mein freund-” “Hey.” Is all Chase can muster, it cuts Schneep off and the tone lets him know Chase can’t handle much right now.

That’s easy enough to see, once he’s close enough to see Chase. He isn’t wearing his glasses so Chase knows he can’t really see until he’s gotten closer. Chase is crying for a lot of reasons now, and Schneep quietly pets his head as he ups the morphine.

“Chase, I zhought I’d lost you… I am so glad I didn’t.”

The statement catches Chase off guard, and he makes a soft sound in response because what else can he say? He can’t just tell Schneep he’s not overjoyed to be alive, can he? No. Schneep is happy to have him here.

He can’t help but wonder why.

[the-emotional-equilibrium]

Depression has no fucking concept of scale?

I feel so ridiculously shite at the moment but I barely have that much going on. Or maybe I do? Idfk we'll see how long this post turns out. I guess I'm just pissed I've been through worse and felt better at the same time, so this makes me a "wuss". Fuck my life. I mean, there are plenty of small-ish things I'd love to be able to tweak to feel a little better, but it hardly adds up to how shite I feel? It's things like: -I'm on the edge of regretting taking 4 A levels because this amount of work is inhumane. -I'm at the end of my tether with who/what the fuck I am. 10 years since I knew and I still can't accept myself. I hate myself. -I just need to leave this house. I'm so tired of being tense 24/7 at home. -But I'm fucking terrified of going to uni. -At home and often at school I'm surrounded by literal fucking mood hoovers. -I feel anxious all the time at the moment, which is probably my medication. Do I have time to get that looked at? No. -My IBS and EDS are acting up all the time and reacting to my mood. I'm in pain more often and more severely than usual. I can't concentrate at home. I have more work to do when I get home. Its a vicious cycle. -I feel so fucking lonely. Like, I know I'm not alone and I have a couple of really amazing friends who are my absolute rocks. But ngl I really want a relationship but I just feel unloveable. -I just fucking hate myself in general. ....it isn't that much stuff? And it's hardly terrible. Though I guess the chronic nature of all of those is getting to me now I feel more stressed in general. I can't even put my finger on what emotions I feel though. There are just so many and too much of them. My brain feels like a hurricane and my chest feels like it has a 10 kilo weight in it. I don't even know where to start to make myself feel better. I've just been doing my best to carry on functioning. I've been working for 10+ hours a day so I didn't have to think about everything else and I've been telling myself if my school work is done it's one less thing to worry about. But it hasn't worked. To add to it all, I just got an email from my boss saying I'm being layed off because "they need to reduce the size of the team". Why me though?!?! There are 6 of us, and I wasn't last in?!?! It just seems so unfair and it's properly knocked my confidence. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Now I've just fully reverted back to unfunctional depressed doormat tbfh. I have my music on so loud I can't think and I'm probably guaranteeing myself tinutis when I'm older but I don't care anymore. I don't care I don't care I don't CARE. I don't give a shit if I get hit by a car or fuck up another job or waste my time or fucking die rn I just want to stop failing at living. I'm so fucking angry with zero healthy coping mechanisms rn I JUST WANT TO LEAVE. My mum keeps asking what's wrong. I dont know what to tell her. I hate my life? I'm not the daughter you wanted? I'm a "freak"? I'm failing you? Nothing I do is good enough? But if you ask how I am? "😎👈👈👈" Because how the fuck am I supposed to explain all this??

[kanashisan]

24/11/17 - When I opened up about my gf to someone I thought was a friend

I’ve been in a bad place for a while, I’m usually able to keep my emotions in check, but recently things in my life have just got more and more stressful

And yes I do have time to send her a message or two and I used to do that every chance I had but now, when I msg her, instead of feeling...better...I just end up getting guilt tripped by her because I can’t spend time with her and give her the attention she craves. I don’t know if she means to but she just makes me feel more shit. Recently I’d prefer to just spend the little free time I have; drowning my mind in some shitty tv to forget about the world rather than msg her and end up feeling more shit. Maybe that makes me selfish and a bad person, idfk

Also...I’ve explained why I’m so busy multiple times but it’s like she forgets by the next day.

Maybe I’m fucked in the head but from day 1 it’s felt like me always trying to please her and rarely the other way around. When She wanted to do something, if I didn’t agree she’d get pissed or upset and obviously I’d feel bad etc.

Like....I fucking hate ***** like ***, but because I wanted to spend my time with her that’s what I did with the very little spare time I did have.

For the past year and a half when my life went to shit I’d treasure all moments I get to myself

When I met and got together with *****, she was the better alternative, I could come back to her and she would be my save haven, it doesn’t feel like that anymore..I’m hardly coping with handling the shit right here in my life rn and now I’ve got this issue with ***** which no matter how many times I try to address  never manages to be resolved.

So many times after really long shitty days I’d come back to my phone and msg her asking how her day was, just feels like I’m always here to help her feel better or satisfy her needs. I don’t remember the last time she asked my how my day was ?

I don’t think I can keep going with this, and yet I still think I love her so I don’t fucking know

I don’t have anyone I want to or feel comfortable talking about this but since you’re here might as well write down some of the thoughts that have been in my head  in recent times.

[in-the-midst-of-everything]

Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....