#and i've only just started to process how difficult this last year really was bc when i was in the thick of it

[collectate]

.

[stormyweaver]

Lots of venting below, but sometimes it's hard for me to jot it all down in my journal. Plus it's my blog so I can post whatever, fuck you.

Last night was... difficult. I think I slept 3/4 hours, which is about an hour less than I usually do. My mind just wouldn't stop racing.

I don't know why I feel so isolated in every space I inhabit. I know parts of it (my difficulty with trusting people, feeling like I'm never 'authentic' enough, trying to make my personality palatable to EVERYONE and then feeling like a husk at the end of the day) but I've noticed a pattern that's very disturbing to me.

I never speak up for myself. If something bothers me, I never say anything. Until I do. And it either comes out in a way that's civil, or I just completely blow up.

But it seems no matter WHAT way I say it, me speaking up for myself almost always ends in losing that friendship/relationship/etc. I let go of basically my biggest friend group this year because I expressed feeling left out, and was given verbal reassurance that that wouldn't happen - and then it did happen.

Ever since then (late May?) I've basically felt like I can't maintain any kind of friendship or relationship with anyone. I get triggered at even the perceived notion that someone doesn't want to be around me. I make friends at work, but then those drop off too, even when I'm giving all the effort I possibly can. I see people with friends and I get so viscerally jealous and hate myself for not being able to have that with more people.

I am so grateful for the friends I do have, the majority being on here. But there's a part of my brain that constantly tells me 'You're one bad take or one wrong joke from losing them'. That doesn't seem normal to me. I want to ask my therapist about it, but now that I'm starting this new job, and her latest slot is typically taken, it's hard to get an actual bi-weekly or even monthly appointment down.

When we did have our (short) introduction meeting, she asked me who my support system is, and I couldn't really give her a definitive answer. I don't really have anyone in my immediate area to rely on. It's literally just me, and the friends I have online.

I try talking to my dad, or my sister, or my paternal grandmother and it feels so empty and hollow bc, while my sister can at least empathize with me, the other two will just say 'Praying for you!' and send me like, 25 dollars. I don't... I don't want money? I need a support system. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to express to the people in my life that I'm so jaded, and anxious, and depressed, and miserable that I can't even sleep at night with how rapidly my thoughts are racing, with how negatively I think and react.

I've been trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just broken. That I'll never have a 'normal' life and a 'normal' thought process. But I feel like there's a difference between not being or feeling or thinking 'normally' and feeling like I'm being punished for every time I don't adhere to what everyone else says I should be doing.

The only thing that gives me any real reprieve is journaling, writing and reading. But I've become such a solitary creature over the years. Even when I try to befriend people who I live with, or work with, or go to groups with... it's like I can't get my own head out of my own ass long enough to make a genuine connection. Or I get ghosted.

I don't know how to figure any of this out. I don't know how to re-program my brain so it stops sabotaging every little chance I get at happiness. I don't know how to express how I feel without crying and sobbing because my emotions hurt so much to even convey to my therapist.

I'm so angry and sad and insecure and afraid. And I'm so, so very tired.

[napping-sapphic]

Hello! I have a Situation and its totally cool if you're not able to give advice but im looking for advice anyway bc im autistic and have no idea how to navigate romantic situations.

So ive had a friend since i was 12 her pronouns are she/they so i will be using both. Im now 20 and they're 21. I've known I like girls since i was 13. And shes pan.

So, in the past, ive had like fleeting thoughts of dating/kissing them but i usually just shake my head and think "nah i cant possibly want to date her bc they're my best friend, i just have very strong platonic feelings." Like Very Strong. Ive literally said that i will always compare my feelings for a future romantic partner with my feelings for her bc they're so strong.

So im honestly not sure if i would know if i was in love with someone unless it hit me in the face, and i am currently feeling like it has hit me in the face. I woke up at like 4 am last night from a dream just thinking "omygosh im in love with her" and ive been journaling and thinking all day ahout my feelings and im starting to think ive just been in strong denial/oblivious about my feelings. Both bc im autistic and have difficulty identifying emotions and bc im demiromantic and rarely experience romantic attraction so i dont have much experience with it.

I guess the point of this ask is about any advice you can give regarding knowing if i actually have romantic feelings and if i do,, like what do i do about it??? Should i tell them? We have a really strong friendship and i dont wanna make her uncomfortable. I think ill be okay not acting on my feelings but its been literally less than 24 hrs since realizing my feelings might be romantic and i dont know if it will be difficult to hide or what to do about it. They're also like my only close friend so i cant just ask her what to do like i would normally, which is why im asking you.

Again, i understand if you cant answer this bc its a pretty personal situation but i would appreciate any advice.

Thank you! :)

Ahh once again prefacing with the fact that I am really Not Qualified to give advice on most things😅 but I can give you my take as an outsider on the situation and with my (very limited experience) in case that might help you at all, but again really take all of this with a LARGE grain of salt i am a VERY unqualified stranger on the internet so most of what i say is probably nonsense😅

I feel like this is like my go to advice but I’d say just wait it out tbh, as someone who was in capital L love with their childhood best friend for a while it really just came down to time for me. It took a while for me to be sure whether the feelings were romantic or platonic for SURE. Especially since the platonic love stayed for me even when the romantic love began🤷‍♀️ it made it extra tricky to tell lol.

My ‘oh this is NOT just platonic’ realization came from YEARS of excessive thinking about them, WAY too much jealousy when they dated other people, a LOT of thoughts and urges about holding their hand, a lot of comparing them to people i had passing crushes on, and (i kid you not) an embarrassing amount of love poems teenage me wrote about them lol😅

However! The slow process and thinking it through also lead me to the conclusion that i did NOT want to date them. Being a couple just wouldn’t work for us and I value them so so so SO much as my best friend and really need them in my life as that separate, constant, platonic relationship that I deeply love and care for. It works better for us than any sort of dating could🤷‍♀️ not to mention all of our other clashing traits that just wouldn’t work if our relationship was romantic. And now I’m honestly really not romantically interested in them anymore, they’re just my best friend and always will be :)

I dont think it’s too unusual to fall a bit (or a lot) romantically in love with a best or close friend, I think the more important thing to recognize is whether it’s something worth acting on, that you’re willing to act on, and that will be good for both of you to act on

So I’d say ruminate on it! There’s no pressure to figure it out, if you start getting too preoccupied with it you can try talking it through with them, not even as a confession type thing, you can simply have a conversation letting them know you’re a little confused or wanting their opinion if you think they’ll be receptive to it. Best I can tell you is that there’s no clock on figuring it out, there’s no “right” way to define what type of love you feel, and to remember that either way you’ve got a great person in your life. I’m very sorry I can’t be more help and if anyone has any other advice feel free to leave it in the notes for this person! Good luck to you and I hope you find what you’re looking for soon <3!!

[cinnamostar]

hiiii again! :)

just wanted to share my thoughts on 'Four Dates to Fall in Love.'

I hope you are doing well ❤️

I loved the start with Chris—how you incorporated him as someone reader can share their feelings with and sort out their thoughts. It adds so much to the story and the characters. Especially when the reader goes on about wanting to keep having fun with Hyunjin but struggles when memories and emotions about the past years come back. I loved how Chan validated both feelings and helped the reader find a way to deal with the situation. This whole situation takes a lot of emotional intelligence, maturity, empathy, and firm boundaries. I'm so happy to see this portrayed in fanfiction. 🫶

Besides that, I also really enjoyed them cooking together—the teasing, their smiles, and the reader's hands over Hyunjin's. It was such a good read, and the underlying awkwardness was so tangible!

"[...] suddenly hyper aware of the strange warmth in your stomach that was also accompanied by the feeling of your stomach dropping. It was an uncomfortable feeling, one you didn't know how to explain or ever experienced before, but you did know you didn't want that combination of symptoms again for whatever emotion this was." I think I died reading that part. Way too good. YOU ARE SO TALENTED. I've said it so often, but the way you describe feelings—especially those opposing feelings—it's perfect.

AAAAAND you did justice to Hyunjin and his feelings in this part! How he struggles with what he has done, the reader's friendliness, the guilt, and the hate he almost has on himself.

"[...] shame paralyzed his body, the warm sensation behind his eyes reminding him to blink, reminding him he shouldn't be so selfish in his pain when he was the cause of so much discomfort." Shame is such an underrated emotion and is rarely acknowledged, but yet it is so powerful. Loved that you incorporated this emotion.

Last but not least, the last part broke me. How the reader chose to comfort Hyunjin, their inner conflict with their choice—"[...] despite what your mind screamed at you, you chose to listen to your heart, you chose him over himself".... I was fr dead on the floor after reading this. I mean—I know how hard it is to be in this situation, and I probably would do the same, but I screamed with the reader's mind.

Sooooo - in conclusion, I love how you portray them so humanly, all their struggles... I can really see myself in them. I can't wait to finally get them together.

And I wanted to point out: taking a rest from writing has paid off. Your dialogs were just perfect. I loved the slow burn. You did really well. ❤️

YOUR MESSAGES ALWAYS MAKE MY DAY SO MUCH BETTER T - T THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH it makes me genuinely so happy that someone finds my work that impactful so it always so appreciated :')!

my intention from the start was to always have chris there as someone the reader could rely on and have candid conversations regarding their emotions! its one thing to write how the reader is feeling, but i think its another for the reader to talk to someone else abt it bc i feel like it can reveal a lil more about the characters and their relationship with each other! like yeaaa chris is reader's manager, but also a great friend over the years theyve known each other!

and yeah, they both have a lot of emotions to process and figure out! its really hard to be either of them in that position because shame/guilt is such a difficult feeling to digest, especially when the other party still hasn't forgiven. so tbh, its hard for hyunjin to know what to do or how to handle anything bc ultimately, it is up to the reader on how they wanna handle their relationship w him... hyunjin can only hope for forgiveness, but has been blessed with kindness too!

reader is also in a hard position because if it wasn't for the fact there wasn't an acting project on the line, reader would've probably been a lot more callous towards hyunjin. but theres a role on the line that the reader really wants, so reader gotta suck it up a little. while the reader did chose to be kind to hyunjin, a lot of it has to do with just spending time with him. i think no matter how angry you can be with someone, if you miss a friendship and are able to see them for who they really are, its hard to be a total dickhead to them JKLFDSJ especially if they seem super apologetic.

BUUUUUUUUUT reader choosing this doesnt mean their hurt goes away.............. I HAVE PLANS, I CANNOT SAY MORE, BUT THERE ARE PLANS FOR THIS SERIES NSJKDFNA emotions are complex and hard so this entire series is just gonna be That (but also im avoiding being repetitive too so that was an added challenge when i outlined this series)

personally, reader is actually a lot better than me, im a hater til i die, but then this story wouldnt be going anywhere...

after this chapter, there are only three dates left and then one extra chapter... i have had this all planned out, im excited and hope u enjoy whats next !!<333 thank u sm again i literally love seeing ur messages in my inbox . and yes!!! the break helped a lot :') thank u for encouraging the writing break tooMMMMMMWAH

[djservo]

[...] This is the last one ☝️ I promise 🤞🙇‍♀️ I have Giovanni's Room by Baldwin in my wishlist and I know nothing about it!! 😃 How's he writing style? Is it too refined? Don't know anything about him not gonna lie, but I've heard/seen his name around multiple times. Do you have favorites? Or a recommendation from where to start? 👩‍❤️‍👩 Definitely go read Fight Club 🙆‍♀️ I highly recommend reading it at one sitting (especially bc it's short) even tho it's been a couple years since I read it and, nowadays, I don't think it would get to me as much ― honestly, barely did back then; but the consumerism as a sort of coping mechanism was something that def made me police how I spend money with stuff that I want vs stuff that I need and the whole Individual Image & Society bit I got from it. Hope I don't get a Tyler Durden bc of insomnia, it would piss me off 🙇‍♀️🧘‍♀️

I have to check your Bobby Book Club tag to get some different stuff to look at, bc I remember when you posted a picture that included Gay Bar and my guts yelled for me to read it, but 1) english only and 2) I don't know where to find it. When my guts yell I know something is waiting for me, bc I BELIEVE IN INSTINCTS 🏄‍♀️🔮 Watchmen has been in my radar since 2018 when a friend mentioned it, but a copy is hella expensive!! You mentioned the backstory and world building and it made me want it so bad, bc those are some aspects I CRAVE in books 🙆‍♀️ if one day I get to it, I'll let you know — mark my words!!! 🧎‍♀️ Last one: the Beautiful World Where Are You ― I've seen some people say it was a disappointment but I still want to read it, what turned you off the most? But I'm pretty sure I'll end up not liking it that much, it's a feeling AN INSTINCT 🏄‍♀️🔮

Damn, do I talk a lot 🫥 at least I’m exercising my english skills ― but I hope I make sense too 🥴

THE FINALE 🎬

I've only read one fiction by Baldwin (Go Tell It on the Mountain) but i really loved it! Then again I think I'm just a sucker for the intersection of coming-of-age and religion and repression, the hypocritical layers of morality and all that good stuff 🍽️ My knowledge is limited too (I think I've only read 2 or 3?) but I have yet to be disappointed. Personally I'm trying to read in chronological order bc I like to see the evolution of the Craft 🤌 but I don't think you can go wrong with any of it! I think he's very indulgent with his exposition and writes in his train-of-thought— all very thorough and maybe even a little rambling which can kinda make it difficult to follow certain sentences/paragraphs Because there is so much to follow, but in the end I feel like it helps his points come across that much clearer like he really leaves no room for misinterpretation if you take the time to work through and unpack it all 🧰

GAY BAR IS SO GREAT!!! Im surprised there's not a translation yet bc I feel like it's gotten so much critical acclaim? But maybe I just live in my little naive bubble 🫧 & I'm surprised Watchmen's still expensive bc it's been decades?? LET IT GO ALREADY 🗣️ jk I get it & im sure it's a hot commodity with comic book collectors or whatever.... definitely avoid watching the movie then (if you haven't already seen it) until you read it 💭 (but also maybe avoid watching that movie in general bc it was just pretty awful period 🤭)

I do like Sally Rooney's style of writing and would probably read just about anything by her bc I do enjoy the conversations her characters have & the sort of processing of politics and current events in a very digestible/millennial way (as repetitive as it's gotten this point) BUT I think by this point I'm also kind of like, this can't be all there is!! The story & characters themselves are going to have to do it for me too, and I thought the character developments were so weak and disappointing? Truly bizarre and rushed ending too, though I don't really know what kind of ending would've saved it anyway. OH WELL. My friend openly hated it and I still read it / thought it was worth it even if just to fully form my ability to shit on it LMAO so if you're curious you should defo still check it out!

[stranger-nightmare]

I've recently discovered Daredevil (and your blog as a result) and I'm simping HARD for Matt Murdock.

Thoughts on how reader/you and matt would actually get together (like friends to lovers sort of deal where you've known each other for a few years from school or something idk but you never dated and just saw other people but maybe theres ~feelings and tension~)? S

Sorry I dont mean this as a request just any ideas no pressure I hope this is ok

Ooohhh yes yes yes I’ve actually been thinking on this a lot, readers long-term relationship with Matt and how they got together is my current reality shift that I use to go to sleep lmao😂 so yeah I’ll give you my personal headcanon on how I think your relationship would go

(Warning: slight mention of date rape drugs)

Also apologies in advance this might be quite a long headcanon but here goes:

Okay so you guys meet in college, on a random night out

Some guy tried to spike you but Matt smells the change in chemicals in your drink

So Matt steps in and makes sure you don’t drink it, kicking the shit out of the guy in the process

You thank Matt outside the bar, tending to his split lip where the guy managed to get in one punch

Matt and Foggy then walk you back to your dorm but not before you put your number in Matt's phone

And then the two of you start dating, going on lil coffee dates, exploring the Colombia area, study dates, etc etc.

He’s really nervous and awkward and only makes a move to kiss you after the third date

You of course become best friends with Foggy as well

You and Matt are each other’s first times, it’s kinda bumpy and awkward, not only learning sex for the first time but with a blind man as well

But fucking hell Matt is eager to learn how to please you, he’ll spend literally hours just learning the layout of your skin, learning what you like and what you don’t, listening to your body intently and how it responds to his touch

You, Matt and Foggy become three lil besties

And then you graduate, Matt going off to work with Foggy and you going your own direction in careers

You guys manage to keep up your relationship for a while but eventually it becomes too difficult

Matt becomes gradually distant, disappearing at all times of night, just generally not paying as much attention to you as he used too

You guys start arguing a lot more, always ending in tears

Eventually you make the heart breaking decision to leave him, he cries and begs you to stay saying he’s sorry but you just can’t be dragged on like this

So you go your separate ways even though it pains you so much every time you think of him

You try dating other people but it never lasts, you’re still too emotionally invested in Matt no matter how hard you try to deny it

Also no one even remotely compares to Matt when it comes to pleasing you

But randomly one day after a few years you come home to your apartment to find a broken and bleeding masked man on your couch

You’re about to scream and panic until you hear that all too familiar voice pant “no wait please, y/n, it’s me”

You suddenly realise that he’s the masked man, the devil of hells kitchen, that’s been on a vigilante mission

Now it makes sense why he was behaving so strangely before, disappearing at night and returning with all sorts of bruises and cuts on his body / face

He’s beaten to a bloody pulp but begs you not to take him to the hospital

He’s shady about the circumstances of his injuries but you patch him up regardless bc I mean what else are you gonna do, he can’t tell you much bc he doesn’t want you to know to much just in case someone comes after you

But he can’t help himself now that he’s got a taste of you being back in his life

He keeps coming back, sneaking in through your window late at night

Sometimes it’s to patch him up, sometimes it’s just bc he needs comfort

And let’s be honest eventually all your unspoken feelings will bubble over and one night him needing ‘comfort’ just turns into the two of you having really passionate and needy sex

Slowly but surely you and Matt just fall into sync again, basically rekindling the relationship you had together during college🥺

So so sorry this took me forever to answer but I really hope you like it🥺🙈

- Hope🐝

Masterlist

[nothorses]

hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know.  i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)

[koishua]

Hiii, here to tell you that I'm (surprisingly) still alive 🤭🤭 He's a handful when his mother enters the house, but as the majority of the time we're alone he has been actually behaving better than what I expected.

Finally I'm not staying for a month, I'll be going back this weekend, but I'm *thinking* 🤔 of coming here to study (there's better chances than at my country), the only thing taking me back is having to learn another language 😩😩 they all say I'll learn it quickly but I just don't like languages 🤧

It's actually really cold here but I don't go out more than to take my cousin to school so no problemos, thank you <3

As I've been really unoccupied these days I started a drama called Law School and I'm currently obsessed, but I'm planning on watching All of us are dead after 👀

Besides, apparently even if my other friends are studying they appear to be free everyday for an anime hangout 🤔 (but who am I to reject?🤷🏽‍♀️)

I end up sending such long asks bc I accumulate so much info 😔... But please do tell me, how are you baby? Elaborate as much as you want. Seen you've been feeling under the weather, hope you're feeling better, I gotta work those reconnections to my good vibes, seems they aren't reaching you 👀✨✨

Have a great day tomorrow (today?) bubs 💕 - 💐

well hello there miss 😭 i kinda wanna ask why you're up so late but then again that would be hypocritical of me so i'll stay quiet bahaha it's so nice to hear from you again and im so glad to see that you're still all intact 😩 i'd be going back home asap too lmao also ooh studying there? i have heard that it was quite nice there but yeah the language problems </3 what do you want to study anyways?

that area is freezing istg im just glad that where i stay, it doesn't go lower than -10° c or else i would literally die of hypothermia or something regardless of how many layers i have on 😶 they call me michelin man on the streets smh

OMG LAW SCHOOL AS IN THE ONE WITH THE GIRL FROM ITAEWON CLASS?? or did i mix things up? anyways!! all of us are dead is SO goddamn good oml korea really has apocalypse movies down like man train to busan, happiness, this. all of them are *chef's kiss* ugh

any animes y'all are watching other than the new aot season? im gonna start this new badminton anime and it literally looks so good and the animation is PERFECT 😭 i think i'll enjoy it a lot like haikyuu since i actually used to play for a team too so that's nice 😩

also no worries i love your asks!! i just like talking to you in general haha as for me... idk man things have been all over the place but we're getting there ig 😔🤚

my mental health has been jumping everywhere every two seconds lmao it didn't seem too bright for me last night and im just glad im still here and breathing tbh 💀 i DID transfer schools again though so ig leaving my old school has helped me regain some sort of stability? (we are just going to ignore the fact that most of my issues are probably BECAUSE i had to move schools every six to ten months the past ten years 💀)

good news tho omg i am getting better at italian 👏it's similar to spanish, yes, but the speed and the way things are pronounced while natives speak made it difficult for me at first but bless easy italian bc it literally is my saving grace 😭 ive been binging their videos the past week while under quarantine no thanks to my siblings bringin covid back home with them lmao

i had the biggest urge and inspiration to paint something yesterday, but i ran out of the necessary paints and it pained me greatly that i was stuck inside till next week 💔💔 BUT‼️‼️i ordered A Thousand Splendid Suns, champion (marie lu) and They Three Body Problem and im so so excited to read them oml i read cixin liu's The Wandering Earth over and over so many times and am now in the process of reading all of his other books starting with the three body problem haha

i really recommend him if you like reading sci-fi‼️‼️and that's it from me <3 take care and stay safe >:(

[fairycosmos]

about your last post, is it like that for you too?? like every year I feel like 'I have no idea why i still here', and I've no motivation but also feeling too tired to actually try something, so I'm just here,, living and waiting for.. anything tbh

yeah me too i...... fucking hate it so much ...... because im not even a naturally positive person but every year? i keep waiting for Something? that will make it all feel worth while and CLICK. even just a little bit. despite the overwhelming evidence that nothing is coming to help me out of this, and that there's no plan or hope or whatever, i'm still here. like i said in that post my ape brain can't let go of that fact, the fact that i exist, and the whole survival thing. so im stuck in a cycle of pointlessly existing, occupying space i can't justify, and idk.......how long i can realistically keep it up. but the only narrative i've found that kind of comforts me is that happiness isn't the entire point or the be all end all of life, and it's better to aim for a sense of inner peace + a healthy foundation, while utilising the right mental and emotional skills to work through the turmoil rather than trying to avoid it, and to just let the rest be as emotionally debilitating as it's going to be bc....... unfortunately you can't run from life and apparently it's still worth living even if happiness being a constant state of mind is a myth. and getting to that point is probably a process in and of itself, which is just another factor that makes it all so difficult. but it you believe in time and the natural concept of personal development i suppose you have to believe that change is always possible, positive change at that. i suppose even if things don't live up to how we think they should be, there's still a lot to see. at the end we're probably still going to miss it all. and i think it's very normal and human to be tired but that absolutely doesn't mean you always will be, i think the permanence of any set thought or emotion is an illusion so......sometimes i hold onto that too. when im overwhelmed. i hope you can too!!! i'm not sure where you're at in terms of having a support system or seeking professional help and i know you've probably heard it a million times before but i also hope you know that it's an option that will always be available to you, and one that you don't have to be afraid of. whether it's a hotline, a friend, a family member, your doctor, a support group, a therapist.....there are so many ways to confront the underlying causes and to learn to cope with them rather than living under the control of them. especially through professional help and talking about what's going on. maybe that's what you're waiting for. after all your brain is the filter through which you see the world, and sometimes it needs some extra love and care and patience to find itself again. i really encourage it and believe that yr capable of taking those initial first steps no matter how scary, even just considering it is a good place to start.....anyway i don't want to get even more rambly, ultimately i know there's nothing i can say. because it's really hard and we should probably just sit with that fact sometimes. i just hope you're okay. i'll be here if you need a friend, i really get it x

edit o shit i just got your other anon after i posted this turns out you were on anon but if you want this deleted let me know!! 💖

[lesbeet]

Hi! Just out of curiosity, which of those writing tips did you like, and which ones did you not agree with? I've seen a lot of them before and thought they were pretty common tips

i'm sure this is more than you were asking for but i'm just gonna go through em one by one and add a bit of commentary bc i have nothing better to do

1. every character’s first line should be an introduction to who they are as a person

generally a good rule to follow - personally, i try to make every element of my writing work on more than one level. dialogue for the most part should be used to reveal character (as opposed to exposition). like, obviously sometimes characters will reveal information aloud to each other which advances the plot, but well-written dialogue for a well-rounded character should reveal some combination of information that character intends to communicate as well as some information they don't (eg someone saying one thing and their body language or expression saying something else, which not only provides the information the reader needs, but also provides information about how that character wants to appear to others vs how they actually are/how they actually appear, etc)

2. even if you only wrote one sentence on a really bad day, that’s still one sentence more than you had yesterday

yes 100000%

3. exercise restraint when using swear words and extra punctuation in order for them to pack a punch when you do use them

i'm ehh about the swear words part bc they can be used to demonstrate character info, but definitely re: exclamation points and the like. idk if by "extra punctuation" they mean like "!!" which is something i personally never do - exclamation points should be used sparingly as is, but if what you're writing requires more than one right next to each other, your dialogue isn't strong enough.

4. if your characters have to kiss to show they’re in love, then they’re not in love

absolutely

5. make every scene interesting (or make every scene your favorite scene), otherwise your readers will be just as bored as you

easier said than done, but a good goal

6. if you’re stuck on a scene, delete the last line you wrote and go in a different direction, or leave in brackets as placeholders

this one is a good piece of advice, but ive seen people say (and have found out for myself) that usually the problem is further back than the most recent line you've written. rarely do you detect the problem so soon after you write it, so it helps to go even further back in the scene to find where things got muddled

7. don’t compare your first draft to published books that could be anywhere from 3rd to 103rd drafts

this is one of the most difficult items on the list and also one of the most important lol

8. i promise you the story you want to tell can fit into 100k words or less

sure, but Can doesn't necessarily mean Should. concision is the best practice, especially for less experienced writers (and i include myself in that), but i would caution that some stories work better with a little bloat or with a tasteful amount of subplot or scene that doesn't necessarily move the plot forward; however, you still need to be able to justify a scene's inclusion in the story. if it's not advancing the primary plot, it should be advancing a subplot and/or revealing more about character or even some slight worldbuilding.

i hate to mention jk rowling here because she's not that great of a writer, but think of all the people who talk about how much they love the scenes that don't show much more than the hogwarts daily grind. studying in the common room, meals, classes, just adding to the worldbuilding of hogwarts and student life and showing us what the main characters do when they're not saving the world or trying to solve a mystery. the hp books would be significantly shorter without those scenes and maybe readers wouldn't have even noticed if they'd never been added to begin with, but so many people (again, including me) love and appreciate those scenes. they make the world and the characters feel more real, more relatable, etc.

this one got long (lol irony) but basically, shooting for an arbitrary number of words should really only be a rough estimate (also unfortunately if you're trying to get picked up by a publisher then you're probably better off sticking to the status quo of your particular genre in terms of average word count). take out what isn't necessary, but maybe open up your definition of "necessary" - just a little (seriously, just a little)

9. sometimes the book isn’t working because it’s not ready to be written or you’re not ready to write it yet; let it marinate for a bit so the idea can develop as you become a better writer

idk how i feel about this. im good with writing a draft and then taking a break for a while before going back to it, but this just seems like a really effective excuse for not writing something.

maybe it's just how this tip is phrased idk i just feel like the idea of you or the story "not being ready yet" is kinda silly. if you've been hacking away for a while and getting nothing out of it but frustration, then yeah take a week or two off. but this makes it sound like "oh you haven't matured enough to tell this story yet. try again in a few years." imo it's always better to write a steaming pile of shit and make it better through editing than to put it off until you feel "ready" - bc, at least in my own experience, it's very easy to convince yourself that you're not ready yet instead of taking the plunge and just getting started

10. a story written in chronological order takes a lot more discipline and is usually easier to understand than a story written with flashbacks

this one is confusing to me bc i'm not sure if they're referring to the writing process or the story itself. i agree that writing it in chronological order takes more discipline than writing whatever scene tickles your fancy at a given moment, but just because you WRITE it in chronological order doesn't mean the final product has to be structured that way. likewise, chronological order is usually easier for a reader to follow, but you don't necessarily need to WRITE the story in order. do what works best for you.

personally ive found over time that i prefer to go in order unless i get stuck somewhere, in which case ill move on and go back to it later. so there are a lot of holes in my drafts, but i do try to write in order so the timeline of the story stays clear in my mind, and also so i can get up close and personal with the mechanics of the story, like how different events and scenes lead to what happens next, etc. and like the tip mentions, it's a fantastic disciplinary practice - otherwise you could write all the fun/easy scenes and be left with very little motivation to write the more complex or less favored scenes (which, contrary to that tip up there, are sometimes necessary even if they're not AS exciting as others)

~~

as usual sorry my answer was so long djsksksksk

[shi-kiori]

Note 10: Metamorph

adulting's a different kind of race in life, really.

this year, i've had my first job; which i eventually left for my second job bc overall it was a mentally challenging place to be in and now im in a different place, i feel like nothing's changed. im starting to think if maybe im the problem.

im proud of myself for not cutting yet. it's been a year since ive last done it which for me is a good feat. ive gotten more tattoos to cover up my physical and mental scars but you know what they say, the healing process is never linear.

so anyway, going back to my adult life and job problems, im slowly starting to feel as if im not living in my full authentic self. i want to be able to produce outputs and do the things i want to do without ever feeling like im being forced to do so by other people. somehow, it feels like that when im in this new job of mine. am i crazy? am i really the problem here? am i just so difficult? sometimes it hurts to breathe just thinking about things like this idk how to feel

my mom's been a real handful lately as well. dk if its the menopause period lol or the fact that her life's been going great and well to her plans. either way, im suffering bc of it mentally. i dont want to be the one to cause people their problems. i dont want to be the cause of it so i just listen and laugh (yes mz ariana). this job im in feels a little suffocating considering its only my 2nd week but i feel like my mom plays a big factor in that. slowly starting to regret this and that maybe i shouldnt have left my 1st job.

sighs such is the adult life. im only 23 so i guess these things come by and u accept them as learning points. my life just sucks real bad right now. trying to be something im not is (as teen chick flick movie it sounds) not what i am. i want to be me and show what i want to do wherever i go.

manifesting that it gets better. at this point idk anymore.

but as always, sending with whatever love i can give.

x