#and i'm going to be so incredibly embarrassed if i hit some kind of post length limit with this thang. so uh. send another ask i guess

[stellerssong]

Hi again. I'm on some level here to ask for a complete explanation of every aspect of Hawaiian culture that is even tangentially related to your latest fic because I know absolutely nothing and there is the ever present concern that the terms run through cursory Google Translate and internet searching will lose nuance and implications. There were definitely some references to divinities and myths and such that went over my unenlightened head. The story you wove was rich and intricate enough to be held in the mind of someone who knows less than nothing and still have great meaning and truth, but I know that it will mean yet more if I can see the threads you used to make it. (On another level, I'm asking for the explanation because I am abruptly deeply interested in a topic I had previously not thought about very much, and you seem to be significantly more of an expert than the average internet search.)

first off! well first off i am blowing you so many kisses for this very kind ask, thank you so much for giving me an excuse to ramble at (great, great, great) length.

so second off! i would just like to stress that i am very much not an expert in hawaiian language, folklore, history, culture, etc. i am neither kānaka maoli (native hawaiian) nor kamaʻāina (born in hawaiʻi although not necessarily of hawaiian ancestry), and i have not studied these topics formally/in a setting that applies academic rigor. i am an enthusiastic amateur with a personal connection to hawaiian culture, the kind of brain that likes to fixate on areas of interest, and a willingness to scrounge around for reading material. i have, i think, a decent sense of what some of the baseline texts in the field are, and a fairly good bullshit detector (and the understanding/ability to dig into things when i can't rely on the bullshit detector), but ultimately i am a layman and an outsider with corresponding perspectives and biases. i also, i will admit frankly, have a pretty sharp knowledge cutoff corresponding to the time of first european contact, just because of my own personal interests and reading preferences.

read that whole disclaimer? let your eyes glaze over while you skimmed it? good! here's my real quick (lmao) rundown of Sum Things U Should Know If You Wanna Close-Read Kīpuka:

ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi 101

Good grief when I put it like that I do NOT feel qualified to tell you any of this. Anyway. We can keep it basic just so you can get a sense of the mouthfeel of the words. And just fyi ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi is the proper name of the language; i'll be using "Hawaiian" as the adjective form, sans ʻokina, assuming an English-speaking readership.

ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi as it is commonly rendered today has 13 letters: 5 vowels (A, E, I, O, and U) and 7 consonants (H, K, L, M, N, P, W), plus the ʻokina or glottal stop (that little apostrophe-lookin' dude at the beginning of the word ʻokina, also the source of most of my typesetting woes). Pronunciation-wise, there are no silent letters and no though/through/enough-type surprises: every letter is pronounced, and all of the vowel renderings are approximately equivalent to how you'd pronounce them in Spanish or Italian. Hence, the word kuahine = koo-ah-HEE-nay rather than, like, kyoo-ah-highn, which made me feel gross even just typing it out.

The ʻokina is pronounced, and bear with me here, like the dash in the english nuh-uh. or, if you're a try-hard vocalist—reattack the vowel after the ʻokina instead of eliding it to the vowel prior. So the place-name Kaʻū is pronounced ka-OO, as distinct from the word kau which is pronounced more like kow (which is a bit of an oversimplification of the latter word, but I'm trying to be efficient here).

That leads us neatly into the other diacritical marking used in ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi, the kahakō or macron which helpfully appears in its own name. No worries here; the kahakō just serves as a stress marker, so you'd say kahakō = ka-ha-KO instead of ka-HA-ko, or from the example above ka-OO rather than KA-oo.

There are a couple of other little pronunciation tricks here and there. The letter W is sometimes pronounced as a V, and unfortunately I can't really describe the rules for that shift; that is one I must admit I know mostly from vibes. For example, the correct pronunciation of Hawaiʻi itself is ha-VAI-ee, but I've never heard the place-name Waimea pronounced as anything but why-MEY-ah.

Occasionally you will encounter the letter K pronounced as a T, which I believe is an artifact of the morphological shift from older related languages such as Tahitian and Samoan which do preserve the letter T as a unique phoneme. To my knowledge, the Kauaʻi dialect (spoken today on Niʻihau) also preserves the T, but most spoken ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi heard elsewhere is based on the Big Island dialect, which lacks the T. One notable exception is the word tūtū (an affectionate/respectful term for a grandparent or elder), which you really don't hear pronounced as kūkū.

Really, though, listening to Hawaiian music is how I got the language in my ear and imo it's the best way to get it in yours. Can't go wrong with Israel Kamakawiwoʻole (of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" fame), but I have a personal soft spot for Kealiʻi Reichel, Weldon Kekauoha, Amy Hanaialiʻi, and the Cazimero Brothers.

The Place-y-ness of Hawaiian Literature

This is more of a sidenote than its own heading, but I'm the one driving the essay, and I think it's an interesting thing to point out, just because it helps establish a particular perspective I wanted to keep in mind while writing this fic.

Something you might notice as you start to look at Hawaiian oli, mele, and myth is the high level of specificity of place. Hawaiʻi is, let's be honest, not that enormous of a place when you consider it on a global scale—but the specificity of localities within Hawaiian literature is kind of astounding. Not only are there loads of place-names referenced in any given work, there are unique Hawaiian names for landmarks, cliffs, peaks, hills, streams, waterfalls—even rains and winds of specific locations merit their own names.

"kīpuka" is very specifically set on the windward side of Hawaiʻi island, so I made an effort to focus my references to place-names on that region—Hilo, ʻŌlaʻa, and Waiākea are all locations on the eastern side of the island, and the one reference to Kona on the leeward side reflects the coming of someone bearing grievances (in addition to eia aʻe ka makani Kona being an existing idiom warning the listener to watch out for an angry person, the windward and leeward sides of Hawaiʻi island have a long history of territorial warfare and jockeying for control of the island). I'd also considered having the bird discussed in the fic be a different species, the kākāwahie—but that species is/was endemic to Molokaʻi, and quite honestly my knowledge of the history and culture of Molokaʻi as a separate polity is not that great.

(This is partly due to sample bias—my introduction to Hawaiʻi was within a Big Island-based context. At the same time, another thing you may notice about the better-known source texts is that many of them center around Hawaiʻi island and, to a lesser extent, Maui, thanks to the political supremacy during the unification/post-contact era of Hawaiʻi island and Maui aliʻi. Ross Cordy wrote a whole ass book about the Oʻahu chiefdoms that is simply not to be had for love or money no matter how I search for it. I am THIS CLOSE to straight up cold emailing the man and being like I WILL VENMO YOU $75 USD DIRECTLY IF YOU WILL SIMPLY JUST SEND ME A COPY OF YOUR BOOK. PLEASE. SAVE ME ROSS CORDY.)

Girl (Gender Neutral), I Cannot Explain Hawaiian Mythology, Poetics, and Mythopoetics As a Subheading in One Post

Honestly. I can't do it. But some tidbits to assist your further research:

A great deal of Hawaiian literature and oral tradition hinges on kaona, roughly "allusion" or "metaphor." In a description that is useful to precisely no one but myself, it's not unlike the complex plays on words, puns, and deep well of references used in Heian Japanese epistolary poetry. Some of it is easy to grok for newbies: for example, the concept of one's lover as a lei adorning the body, or being splashed or sprinkled with water as a euphemism for sex. Some of it goes a lot deeper, relying on historical or folkloric place-name associations, puns, and ancient practices and superstitions.

The Hawaiian "pantheon" I place in scare quotes because ancient Hawaiian religious practices and superstition were highly syncretic, often extremely localized, and more contradictory the more you read into it. In a very, very, very, VERY rough and off-the-cuff sense, though, there were thought to be four major gods: Kāne (associated with dawn, the sun, the sky, running freshwater, and irrigation-based agriculture, among other things), Kanaloa (associated with the ocean, sea creatures, and sometimes death, as an opposing or complimentary force to Kāne), Lono (god of fertility, agriculture with something of an emphasis on dryland agriculture, rainfall, and peace as embodied in the Makahiki festival), and Kū (god of war, the deified kingship, fishermen, sorcery, and quite honestly a ton of other things in various manifestations).

There were also quite a large number of "lesser" gods, the word "lesser" used just in the sense that they weren't honored to the same extent as the four previously named in state-sanctioned religious practice. Probably the most well-known of these is Pele, the volcano goddess. (I reference another in the fic, Niolopua, god of sleep—but the jury's out on whether or not that refers to an actual god or is just metaphorical in the same way that most people think of "the Sandman" as a euphemism for sleep and not a literal guy who comes into your house and puts crusties in your eyes.)

The gods were thought to manifest in a variety of forms, called kino lau (literally "four hundred bodies"). You can think of this in the sense of "Lono takes on the shape of an albatross or a tropicbird to interact with mortals, while Kanaloa prefers to manifest as an octopus," and in stories kino lau are sometimes represented that way, but in practice it's less of a Greek myth-style practice of shapeshifting and more of an animistic religious belief. The kino lau in nature embody the god and in a metaphorical sense illustrate the interconnection between divine and earthly and the presence of the divine on earth.

(HUGE OVERSIMPLIFICATION. HUGE OVERSIMPLIFICATION. PLEASE DO MORE RESEARCH AND DO NOT TAKE ONE TUMBLR POST AT ITS WORD ON THIS.)

The Endless, in the fic, are very easy to loop into the concept of kino lau, because of their canonical universality. Danny appears as a shark (a symbol of chiefhood), a pueo, or Hawaiian owl (an 'aumakua, or ancestral guardian), a manu-o-Kū, or fairy tern (a bird associated with the god Kū, likely in his aspect as a god of fishermen, navigators, and wayfinders), a kalo plant (a staple crop of ancient Hawaiʻi, a kino lau of Kāne, and a symbol of duality and rebirth), and a snowcapped mountain (a sacred site considered kapu, or forbidden, to all but the highest chiefly individuals). Despair, meanwhile, appears as an ʻalae ʻula, or Hawaiian moorhen (another ʻaumakua, but also an animal whose cry was thought to foretell misfortune), a stingray (for her barbed tail), a hāpuʻu fern (in contrast to Dream's kalo, the hāpuʻu was considered a famine food), a lava flow and its first growths (acknowledging Pele as both a destroyer and a creator of land, just as Despair also embodies hope), and a number of other things meant to embody the devastation of Hawaiʻi (rats, feral pigs, and mosquitoes have decimated endemic birds and insects; the kiawe is an invasive plant species that forms dense, thorny, and difficult-to-destroy groves; light pollution affects behavior and migratory patterns of both avian and aquatic species).

All pretty simple, obviously!

Further Resources and Recs

Okay, so, obviously I'm not going to be able to explain every single reference in this fic in a single post, though I obviously tried my damnedest. In lieu of that, I'll offer some useful resources for further reading:

Stephen Trussel's Combined Hawaiian Dictionary is a fantastic resource for vocab that incorporates several major Hawaiian dictionaries in a straightforward (well, as straightforward as this gets) text-based web page. Ulukau also has a searchable interface, which is a little easier to interact with, but I like having the Trussel for reference.

Huapala is everyone's go-to for translations of Hawaiian lyrics. I've linked to it in the endnotes of the fic for readers interested in more on "Ka Ipo Lei Manu," but it's got nearly any ʻauana-style Hawaiian song you please, and if I recall correctly even a few traditional oli. Again, another slightly old-fashioned text-based site—but we all know how to use CMD + F in a page, do we not?

Native Books is awesome if you, like me, prefer reading things in print but would prefer not to feed your dollars into the maw of the Amazon beast. A lot of the lit on Hawaiʻi was printed either a long time ago or in very small releases and is now out-of-print and difficult to find even in libraries, so it rocks that there's an independent bookseller that specializes in getting those works to an audience in hard copy. @ NATIVE BOOKS PLEASE CONSIDER GETTING ROSS CORDY TO RE-PRINT THE RISE AND FALL OF THE OʻAHU KINGDOM THANK YOU SO MUCH. University of Hawaiʻi Press is also a good source for academic texts, although their website is...mm...difficult to navigate, and do be warned that they charge academic press prices.

In terms of who to read, you really can't go wrong with Mary Kawena Pukui, a Native Hawaiian scholar, author, composer, and educator whose work is the backbone of just, a fuckton of writing about Hawaiʻi, both academic and popular. Her book ʻŌlelo Noʻeau: Hawaiian Proverbs and Poetical Sayings is worth at least a skim just to get the feel of the Hawaiian mindset; it also contains a healthy dose of myth, folklore, and history in the explanations of the sayings. Absolutely adorably, I've found two books she edited that I read the absolute FUCK out of as a child available as PDFs through Ulukau: The Water of Kāne and Other Legends of the Hawaiian Islands and Hawaiʻi Island Legends: Pīkoi, Pele, and Others. Definitely worth a quick read if you want more on the myth side of things.

As a non-specialist, I've really enjoyed Patrick Vinton Kirch's writing on precontact Hawaiʻi. For a field archaeologist, his writing is both highly engaging and very respectful of the peoples he studies, and trust me, I do get my back up easily when it comes to white people writing about Other Cultures TM, so I'd posit it means something that he passes my sniff test. A Shark Going Inland is My Chief is a great overview of the history of the Hawaiian chiefdoms from the first settlement of the islands to immediately precontact, and Kuaʻāina Kahiko offers a bit of a closer look at everyday life in a specific locality in the islands (in this case, Kahikinui, Maui).

Kamehameha and His Warrior Kekūhaupiʻo by Stephen Desha (trans. Frances N. Frazier) began its life as a serialized Hawaiian-language history of the rise of Kamehameha I. It's a dense read, and it WILL test your ability to remember who the hell all these people are to its limit—it mostly discusses the lives and times of the major players of the aliʻi class in the late precontact–early postcontact era, and when you remember that a) a hell of a lot of personal names in this tale begin with the letter K and b) the aliʻi class of Hawaiʻi practiced a mindboggling amount of political marriage, consanguineous marriage, and sanctioned adoption between blood relatives, the family trees get real complicated REAL fast. If you can hang on through all that, though, it's an intensely detailed and very vivid portrait of a culture at a tumultuous moment, it gives a great sense of how the Hawaiians viewed themselves and the world, and it's an interesting exercise in the mythologizing of the Kamehameha dynasty.

Okay, So...?

So...if you hung on through all that, god DAMN are you dedicated. Have what is quite possibly my favorite Hawaiian song for your trouble. It is, funnily enough, about a bird.

EDIT: I am retroactively making this post unrebloggable. I'm really, really glad folks have found it interesting and are looking into the resources I shared, but I absolutely do not want this getting passed around as Hawaiian Culture 101. If you want to learn more about Hawaiʻi, I must stress that you should look to a reputable source and not some schmuck on Tumblr rambling about her effortposting fanned fiction.

[cripplecharacters]

I searched your blog and didn't find this, so if it's already been answered I'm sorry!

I'm writing a character who has photosensitive epileptic seizures and I was wondering if you have any tips on describing the experience of having a seizure?

My sister has them so I know what hers look like, but I've never had an epileptic seizure myself. Is it a painful experience? Is it more like fainting? What does the post-ictal phase feel like?

I know seizures can look different for everyone so rest assured this will not be my only source :)

Hello!

You're right that seizures are different for everyone, especially considering how many different types of seizures there are.

My last (Confirmed) seizure was several years ago. I have had some... "episodes" (For lack of a better term) that we're unsure if they were seizures or something else more recently but I'll be answering this with my confirmed seizures in mind.

I has epilepsy as a child and mostly had grand-mal/tonic-clonic seizures from what I've been told. For me, I experienced an aura anywhere from 5-10 minutes before the "main" seizure itself. This aura was usually a strange feeling in my head (Almost a tightness or pressure but feeling very loose as well? It's difficult to explain) with a rubbery taste in my mouth.

I can't say much about when the "main" seizure was actually happening as, for me, I wasn't really aware during it.

As somebody who faints... embarrassingly often, however, I can say confidently that it doesn't feel like fainting (At least for me). With fainting, I can feel myself starting to 'go' (My ears begin to ring and I feel almost like I'm fading out) and then I faint and it feels like I wake up almost instantly, even when it's been several minutes. For my seizures, it felt more like a blurred passage of time. I was an aware to an extent, I think, but not in the way it's usually defined (As being aware of your surroundings), it just wasn't like I was unconscious/asleep.

For me, I hated the postictal period the most. My seizures were usually accompanied by a loss of control over my bladder and would occasionally make me... not throw up, really, but almost spit up a bit. I'd usually wake up feeling incredibly tired and grumpy and usually ended up crying. The crying wasn't tied to any particular feeling, it was more of a physical response. And though I can now acknowledge that it's nothing to be embarrassed about, as a kid it was all pretty humiliating for me.

Just as a side note, my boyfriend also has seizures currently but not from epilepsy. I've been with him during his periods after the seizure before and he usually ends up acting like a kid, for lack of a better term. He cries a lot and is very disoriented but he's also very easily distracted. There have been several occasions where he's played with my keys for a few minutes before he comes back to it. He doesn't experience the same grumpiness and deep exhaustion that I did, though he has said that they make him feel very sleepy.

Although I didn't find the seizures themselves to be painful at all, there were several occasions where I ended up hurting myself during one. Usually this was hitting my head when I fell or during the actual jerking of the seizure but there have been other times when I had bruises or sore muscles afterwards. Given how young I was when I was having these kinds of seizures, I don't fully recall how the sore muscles/injuries felt as they didn't have as much of an impact on me as the seizures themselves.

After a seizure, I'd end up sleeping for anywhere from a couple hours to the rest of the day. I think part of it was the emotional exhaustion of a seizure while another part was the physical.

Now, I did speak a lot about the grand-mal seizures I experienced but I did also (And actually may still) have absence seizures as well.

A few years ago my seizures came back briefly and, despite my neurologist's best efforts, we couldn't figure out why. I'm not entirely sure how to classify them now but I was mostly aware during them and, from what's been described to me, my head was nodding up and down (To the point where it was all the way back), my eyes were rolled up into my head, and my eyelids were fluttering. I didn't experience any of the side-effects of my grand-mal seizures (Ex: Peeing myself, spitting up, crying, etc.) during these and I also don't know if I fell or not because when I had them, I was generally sitting down somewhere.

During these, my vision was flashes of colour/shapes and just generally what you'd expect from having your eyes rolled up and your eyelids fluttering. I was still aware that things were happening around me but I couldn't really process it the same way. I could hear people speaking but couldn't understand what they were saying.

You did mention looking into other sources for this and I'd definitely recommend doing that. These are just my (And, briefly, my boyfriend's) experiences and there are so many different experiences of seizures and epilepsy in general.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

Hi lovely asker!

I have absence seizures and myoclonic ones so I'll add on my two cents as well (Cover more of the seizure spectrum here 😁).

For absence seizures for me its mostly just a complete blank space of time. There's one moment where I'm walking, talking, doing whatever and then the next thing I know I look around and usually like 30-ish seconds has past. If I was having a conversation and the person I'm talking to kept talking, I'm not aware of any of what they said when I was having the seizure. It's kinda like someone turns my brain off for a quick restart and then turns it back on again.

If there is nothing physical around me indicating of a passage of time. (Ex. Someone talking, I looked at the clock right before it happened, any living object that moves around) then I most likely won't know I had the seizure. Sometimes I have a little feeling because I often get headaches leading up to my absence seizures but other than that they're painless and more so there is that panic feeling of losing track of time. I'm usually just disoriented because of that sudden missing frame of time. I'll kinda look around, try to get my bearings, see what happened, if anything's changed etc.

Myoclonic ones really depend on how aggressive they are. They can be big (a whole side of my body will twitch) or itty bitty baby ones (my fingers twitch or I can feel certain muscles twitching). Kinda like with Tonic-Clonic seizures, all the muscles involved will contract on me and it's painful. Often times they're more annoying and frustrating than painful (trying to eat breakfast one time and let's just say my eggs ended up across the room).

They can cause my legs to jerk too which if I'm walking will make me just suddenly fall as my legs give out. Sometimes they can just happen as one, or they can cluster and that means that multiple happen in a row. When they cluster, they're often more painful because my muscles are contracting so many times. If I fall like I mention I often hurt myself because I just completely fall to the ground (not like fainting, I'm conscious and alert and I can move my arms and torso, it's usually just my legs that are the problem.)

Leading up to my myoclonic seizures sometimes I get really really really bad tremors that worsen with movement to the point where If it's my legs then I can't stand or walk (trusty old wheelchair). And if it's my upper body than my hands have very little use to me so things like eating, changing (buttons my enemy), writing, and pressing buttons is very hard to do (also I will add that I just have very clumsy dexterity in general so the tremors certainly don't help but yeah XD)

For all my seizures in general I get very light sensitive afterwards and my lovely doctors and nurses have told me it's because my pupils get completely blown and then constrict and they do this rapidly and it's often paired with nystagmus. So my Post-ictal is usually more just being sore, my head hurts, my eyes are very sensitive and usually the nystagmus is what lingers on the longest.

For tonic-clonic seizures (which I won't go into much because Icarus already did) they're the most painful for me and it usually hurts to move afterwards. I usually start to mumble and can't talk when they're about to happen it's just a lot of "um's" and "uh" and I can't form any words. I start to rub my hands over my body because my skin gets this tingly feeling, and I start to kinda look around frantically because again my anxiety does no help. During the seizure I'm usually in and out of consciousness so it's black and then I'll hear or see something for a split moment and then black again and yeah so on and so forth but I can remember bits and pieces (that I'm conscious for that is). Everything usually sounds really far away like I'm under water and my vision of what I can see is very blurry and there is usually like ten of the same person.

Very rarely i've stopped breathing during my Tonic-Clonic and with those they're usually not as painful (don't ask me why) but they are. Granted that initial struggle to breath again is a bit jarring but in my opinion these are a lot more traumatizing for the people around me than me myself.

Alrighty, hopefully this is of some help lovely person! As Icarus said this varies very wildly person to person and seizure to seizure so yeah. Have fun writing!

~ Mod Virus 🌸

[shinobus-unbreakable-spirit]

hello, I've read about your post about yoriichi's headcanons and I love them!

Just thinking can I request a headcanon about reader jealous about Yoriichi being pestered by another woman? and how would he react after finding out his s/o's jealous?

thank you!🌹

I'm so glad you loved them! ^^

You must certainly can request that, anon! That is a very interesting scenario.... Lets get into it!

You and Yoriichi lived a humble life. You would both go to work, and then come home to each other. Sure, sometimes people would hit on you, but you'd always tell them that you were taken. You were faithful to him and expected the same in return. No matter who hit on either of you, the other would be the first to know and the third party stood no chance of disrupting your romantic union, as you were two devoted people in love.

This was how things were and how you believed they always would be.

That was, until she showed up.

You always liked to watch Yoriichi walk home from work, on your comfy queen-sized mattress, gazing out of the window roughly fifteen minutes after his shift ended; seeing him walk briskly back to you just filled you with an inexplicable jubilation. However, about two weeks ago, you observed something horrifying: he started walking home with a despicably beautiful young woman who you had never seen before. Soft-spoken, he would never say much, so she did all of the talking.

Every day, the same thing would happen: you would stare out of your window after his shift, he and the woman would stop outside your house and say their goodbyes, then he would be home. He never said anything about the woman, which made you paranoid. Why didn't he ever speak of her? Was she his dirty little secret, something he was trying to hide? Was he cheating on you?

One day, you decided you couldn't hide your emotions anymore. You exclaimed how you felt dramatically, voice cracking due to all the feelings that had bottled up; you told him that you knew about the woman, that you wanted an explanation, and that you were worried about what this woman could mean to him.

After you were finally done, Yoriichi, calm as the gentle waves brushing against a rock, cupped your cheek lovingly and said these words:

"My love, it has been weeks and I still don't even know her name."

Your eyes widened. If he didn't know her name, that meant-

"She is nothing to me but a co-worker. In fact, I still don't even know why she wishes to follow me home after work, but people have their reasons. Perhaps she is simply afraid to walk alone." He explained, relaxed.

You felt a little embarrassed. This was the first time jealousy had ever been a factor in your relationship, and it was ultimately over nothing. "I-I'm sorry.. We've just built such an incredible relationship, and then I saw this new woman and I just-" you were stopped abruptly by a warm finger meeting your lips. That same silky hand then navigated down to your shoulder, massaging it calmingly.

"Please, you don't need to explain yourself, Y/N. I understand." You looked up and saw nothing but sincerity residing in his maroon stones. Immediately, you felt all of your embarrassment wash away. He saw no fault in you whatsoever, and if a woman that beautiful was really nothing to him, then your relationship had to be secure. It was clear to you in that moment he wanted you and only you.

Then, you kissed him firmly on the lips with burning passion for your beautiful man. He was a little taken aback, but relaxed into the kiss and even offered some initiative of his own, interlocking his tongue with yours. He cupped your face with his hands as you two continued to kiss.

He then whispered something in your ear, words you wished to capture in a jar and keep forever: "You are the only one for me, my dear... I beg of you to never forget that."

------

Ultimately, I believe Yoriichi is the kind to be very cool-headed in a situation like this. He wouldn't shame his S/O at all for experiencing jealousy, but would simply inform them of the truth, then comfort them after. I hope you liked this anon! <3

(NGL I kind of wrote this twice since the first time I accidentally deleted the entire thing HAHAHAHA I think it came out even better the second time though so perhaps it was a blessing in disguise?? anyways defffff had to harness my inner Yoriichi to not get mad when I deleted my first draft lolol)

[luvwich]

✒️ writer interview tag

tagged by @dustdeepsea — tysm, this was great fun! read their answers here and mine, if you like, beneath the cut ✨

When did you start writing?

early 2023 was my first foray into writing actual fiction. prior to that i'd done an embarrassing amount of roleplaying many years ago, which i shall speak on no further, but it did form the basis for a lot of my writing now!

once upon a time, i seriously entertained the idea of an MFA in screenwriting, but went on to pursue something even stupider for grad school 👍

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

honestly everything i enjoy reading gets smuggled into my writing in some form or another!

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

there are like 26 different writers where i wish to take bits and pieces of their style, send it all into a meat grinder, and press the gunk into sausage casings to be dipped in batter and deep fried. ideally i want my writing to hit like wagyu beef that's been corrupted into a county fair corn dog. but no i'm not sure i've ever been compared to another writer! that would fuck my shit up truly (in a good way)

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

typically curled up on my couch, because the ergonomic status of my home office setup is terrible — potentially lethal. sometimes i stay late at my not-home office, hidden away in a dark conference room, but that's usually only if i'm on a self-imposed deadline (i.e. i've started posting a WIP)

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

the spark that gets me to write is usually some kind of Dynamic that i want to explore so i do a lot of noodling upon situations and then figuring out how to get there. and by situations i mean smut

also, writing bits of dialogue, even if i don't know the context yet. it gets a character's voice and mannerisms in my head, and gives me a little grain to start building on

sadly, going on a hike and/or reading a really good book are both very effective and by far the most time consuming

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

longing, isolation, identity, the difference between the person you'd like to be and the person you are, strained/dysfunctional family relationships, wrong person right time, hope, blowjobs, self-deception, california, fucking your way through it, guilt, social class, mommy issues, mono no aware, oral fingering, etc; they don't surprise me anymore but the first time i finished a long fic and took a step back i was like "ohh haha Damn"

What is your reason for writing?

i am horny, sad n silly

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

all forms of feedback are so touching! i think much of what i write is pretty niche, so simply knowing someone has read my stuff gets me pumped. a big essay of a comment is like receiving a love letter, and comments that are just an emoji are like someone's tucked a little note in my lunchbox, and both are incredibly nourishing to me. as far as motivation, though, anything that implies someone is looking forward to reading more is the surest way to light a fire under my people-pleasing ass

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

affable wretch, trickster, wine aunt

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

i'm not sure any one thing stands out: i believe i'm pretty good in a few areas (dialogue, sensory detail, characterization) and notably lacking in others (action, "plot," pacing, not getting high on my own supply)… okay i'll stop being an asshole though and say my strength is in "delivering on a mood," if that is a thing

How do you feel about your own writing?

generally good. for one, i'm proud of myself for ever finishing and posting anything, because following through on shit isn't something i'm renown for. i tend to hate everything i write after i've gotten some distance from it, but i think that's normal? right? i'm new at it and it's all for fun so i try to be gracious with myself, with mixed success, because beneath my goofy exterior i do take everything too seriously

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

mostly for myself; i do abstractly ask "would someone who isn't me enjoy this?" and never quite know the answer. like most humans i crave external validation and connection, but like a cactus i can survive on just a lil rainfall 🌵

tagging w/no pressure (but with my best barbara walters impression) @corpocyborg @ghostoffuturespast @merge-conflict @streetkid-named-desire @writing-for-soup

[sweetpinkchampagne]

sweet torture

18+ readers only please lovelies!! (this is for a reason please listen<3)

little synopsis: a man hits on the reader at a bar innocently, and this leads to an interrogation from stephen who is incredibly possessive...

pronouns: female pronouns are used

relationship: fem reader x stephen strange

note: not super proud of this but like i will be uploading this because being overly self-critical is not hot xx i hope you enjoy this i love u!!

warnings: stephen being possessive, controlling lowkey insecure, accusations of cheating, smut, dacryphilia, bdsm, temp play (ice), sensory deprivation, dd/lg kind offf ??

“who is he?”

“i told you! i don't know what his name is.” you gritted through your teeth, angered about how unnecessarily prolonged this conversation had become. 

stephen was naturally a very tall man, you had always found this characteristic of his incredibly attractive, until now. his figure towered over you, inches away. his usual soft blue eyes darkened as he bent down to your height, you could feel his hot breath against your neck and the occasional graze of his goatee against your skin, it burned and you loved it. 

“i'm gonna ask one more time, what's his name baby?..” he whispered in your ear.

jesus christ you hated how much control he had over you when he was like this. you didn't know ‘his name’, he was just a guy at a bar who was drunk and hitting on you. of course you turned him down, but stephen’s always been overprotective, dare you say downright possessive. you hated the way him looking down at you and whispering made you press your thighs together, fighting being angry at him. but god, his possessiveness was hot as shit.

“what are you gonna do? here you are trying to sound so threatening. what? you gonna pull some KGB shit on him?? because i'm pretty sure i can handl-” your sentence came to a crashing halt at his undeniably quick response. 

“i’m going to fuck you within an inch of your life, actually. hows that sound? and its going to be for me, not for you.” your stomach dropped. jealousy sex sounded hot on paper but he loved to drive a response out of you, a yelp, a squeal until your cheeks were painted with tears and you were begging for him to stop teasing you.

“stephen..we could just talk this out, i promise you he was just drunk” you mumbled out, looking wide eyed. although you couldn’t lie to yourself, the way you were gently begging him to fuck you, to gain some relief. this shouldn’t be arousing but fuck it is. stephen noticed this, he also noticed how your cheeks flushed, and how your pupils dilated - he could read you like a book. 

before you could show even an inkling of shame or embarrassment for being turned on because of him, you yelped as he effortlessly slung your body over his shoulder - your legs failing in surprise and your ass in the air. you were brought back to reality by the familiar sound of his portals opening as you were no longer in the sanctum foyer. 

“stephen..” you breathed out as you were laid down on his bed, god you wanted him. 

“spread those pretty arms and legs for me, yeah baby?” His deep baritone voice was the only sense of sound you could focus on. you did as you were told and his fingers snapped, his godforsaken magic leaving you bare in his bed. the cold hit you, your nipples immediately hardening. 

“you just have to be good for me, huh sweet girl? that’s all i’m asking baby.” he whispered as he firmly grabbed your wrists and ankles, binding them to his dark oak bed posts. you laid there, looking defeated as he reached over you, stopping to hover and smirking condescendingly.

“don’t act like we both don't know you were pressing those pretty little thighs together 2 minutes ago” he chuckled. he knew your deepest desires, it was as if he could poke and prod around inside your mind, well- realistically, he probably could..much to your horror.

the last thing you saw were his scarred fingers holding fabric that he ever so gently tied around your head, blocking your sight. unironically he could have done all of this in less than 30 seconds with a wave of his hands, but was purposefully prolonging the torture knowing you were impatient.

“stephen.. please” you barely whispered, begging for his touch. he tutted devilishly at your impatience. he conjured an ice cube, placing it on your torso with no warning. you couldn’t help but squeal at the freezing sensation you weren't prepared for, he swirled it up and down your torso, slowly - leaving a trail of melted ice, now cold water that pooled around your lower stomach. your back arched at the sensation, pulling at the magical binding. you could feel a band in your lower stomach building inside you, you wanted to free yourself, kick, scream, touch him. his cruel tongue lapped up the water slowly, teasing you - a familiar feeling. the ice cube rolled over your nipples as you tugged on the ropes, your back arching and your body jolting forward as much as it could. 

“look at you... mm??” he laughed. the icecube disappeared and for a moment you couldn't feel his touch, you whined at the feeling. 

“is my little girl feeling needy?? mm..?” His head darted between your already spread legs, kissing the soft flesh on your inner thighs and lazily licking them, as if he was preoccupied. you moaned softly, the relief you felt for him to be even remotely close to where you wanted him. 

“please stephen..” you whined, tears pooling in your eyes in absolute desperation, throwing your head back as he slid his tongue between the wet warmth of your pussy, lapping up your slick in long, cruel strokes. the teasing bastard. he licked circles around your clit, but didnt touch it once - not yet. he placed his large hand on your lower stomach to further stimulate you as his goatee rubbed against your thighs, scratching and burning once again. you were shuddering and shaking, pulling at the robes like a fucking mess. 

“come on baby, give it to me. let me ruin you for a sec, yeah? i got ya.” he praised, as he paused to pepper kisses and then went back to work. it was only 8pm and knowing him, you still had at least 2 hours of this left.

[no-face-no-shame]

Ok. I said I will write some of my thoughts on Disco Elysium a few days ago, and I'm finally in the mood to do so, so here we go.

First things first - it's one of the most unique, incredible games I've ever played. It just feels different from anything else that I know. The world, the characters. It feels real. The worldbuilding is spectacular. As someone from a post-Soviet country, the atmosphere of the whole game hits too close to home. Even stupid things like architecture - I've seen it all before. I've seen these buildings, those streets. DE is the kind of game that will make you laugh until the full meaning reaches you, and then there is no laughter left.

Staying on the topic - the art style and animation blew my mind. The portraits are beautiful, painted in a very characteristic way. The animation of the game itself perfectly translates the atmosphere of the drawings into 3D. Extremely detailed backgrounds and locations, just a beauty overall.

Great soundtrack. The boat song made me cry. Literally. It just paralysed me. The whole OST is spectacular, but there is something so etheric about this particular track and its placement in the game.

There are no fully good people there. And I love it. I love how complex everyone is. It's one of the aspects that make DE feel so real. Everyone has some shit going on, everyone has some stupid opinions, everyone has fucked something up. Just as in real life. It doesn't make the characters any less sympathetic or likable. Quite the opposite - it makes them feel human in a very touching way.

Harry is a fascinating protagonist. He has so much good in him, and so much evil. It depends on how you play him - from the same background you can obtain such different people. Just like in real life, it's up to you to interpret his past and make a future out of it. Will Harry become bitter and hateful towards everyone? Will he start hating women and pouring his frustrations out on minorities? Or will he see the hope in the future and not give up on himself, letting the world welcome him back? The only chance for him is in love. Yes, you can choose the path of a hateful bigot who scares everyone. But this is how you get the weakest version of Harry. He can't build himself up, create a new himself out of violence and hatred. It only ruins him.

The way DE deals with the topic of addiction is one of the best takes I've seen in any media. The drugs will give you bonuses on checks, so you want to do more of them. Everything seems easier. Before you know, you take something before every check. And we're back at the beginning. I did my playthrough without taking anything, and I'm thankful for that. I like how especially alcoholism isn't shown in a profound, elegant way it is often in media. It's ugly, it's embarrassing, it reeks, it makes you stupid. Nothing elegant about it. Quite the opposite. It's a humiliation. No romanticising.

DE also has one of the best takes on politics I've seen recently. This is a very political game, it's one of the most important mechanics. To cover this topic more fairly, a separate post would be needed, but it's really refreshing to see such a complex portrayal of such a complex topic after being regularly exposed to, well, social media takes on politics. DE seems to be mocking all political fractions equally, however the reality quickly shows that they aren't the same.

Leftist Harry is the only one who has a chance to make some change - not only in his own life, but in the world around him as well. Yes, he's cheesy. Yes, he says stuff that sounds naive. But the thing is - he's right. The naive dreams about justice for the weak are right. It reminds me of that one quote, I can't recall the author, who says that children are naive in their belief that everything should be fair and that life should be good, and they are right in their belief. Things won't change immediately, especially not for Harry. But there is hope.

Centrist Harry never does anything and lets his life remain bad. Just as real life centrists, he sees harm, injustice and suffering, and is indifferent to them. But he's also indifferent to the good of the world. He's stuck in limbo which he will never leave.

Fascist Harry is a miserable rubbish that will probably die soon. He hates everything and everyone, and himself the most. There is no hope. The fascist route is the one where Harry gives up, collapses into the darkest chasms of his own mind. Everything is ugly, everything is violent, and the world will fall apart. Harry takes no pleasure in his views - they literally hurt him (by taking away his morality points), but he can't stop making himself and everyone around miserable.

Now, into the supernatural. I'd classify Disco Elysium as magical realism (one of my favourite literary genre.) Many times it reminded me of South American literature, with its smooth mixture of brutal reality and magic that's just right outside your grasp. There are so many moments in DE when you're wondering if something is actually happening, if this world is magical or not. And you never get the answer. Once again, spectacular worldbuilding and atmosphere.

The Pale is an intriguing, unique concept. A mixture of science and something supernatural. The End, Death, Freedom and Oppressor of the world. There are people who travel through it, yes, but they never come back the same. Some don't come back at all. The whole concept is linked to the side plot with the whole in the universe and the scientist woman. It was one of those parts of the game where I just sat in my chair and thought very deeply about not only the reality of DE, but also about ontology in the context of our world.

Dolores Dei and her becoming one with Dora in Harry's mind. What can I say. The dream was so eerie. I find it interesting that it happened towards the end of the game. "I will see you tomorrow, Harry." He’s not free from her. Will he ever be? The figurines won't win her back. Nothing will, because she's gone. The innocence and war criminal at the same time. The love of his life and his nemesis. With a crown on her forehead and an ugly suitcase in her hand.

I could talk about a million more things, but I think this post is already long enough. My final thought is - if you haven't played Disco Elysium, do it. It's one of those games you won't ever forget. I believe that there is a piece of it that detaches itself from the rest and buries somewhere deep within you, not allowing you to ever forget what you've seen.

[tia-amorosa]

Sunset Died - Bunch Family

Connections (Part 2)

After Lisa had prepared dinner, they sat down at the table together. “You look exhausted, mom"/ ‘I am too, Ethan, really’. Ethan was really worried about his mother. After the disaster, she was the first to offer her help to the others. She hadn't been able to sit still since. “Why don't you just take a break for a few days. Mrs. Andrews often asks if you need help. And Officer Keaton from next door, too.”

“Justine… I don't trust that woman at the moment. But that shouldn't be your worry. Who will be teaching you all from Monday?"/ ”Peter's father. We're really glad it's not Landgraab, he always looks so stern.” Judy couldn't help but grin a little nastily. “He's good at that. Is it true that the Landgraabs have moved out? Someone said to me the other day that they were walking around with Malcolm and a lot of luggage.”

“Yeah, I heard it from Holly. And they must have moved into the house you just decorated the other day…”. Judy was about to put her fork in her mouth, but she paused. “I went to all this trouble for these people of all people? Pff… And did she say why they moved out? I thought Nancy and Vita were best friends now?"/ ‘No, she didn't…’. Judy was naturally curious and wondered what must have happened there that the Landgraabs had decided to take such a step.

After the meal, Lisa helped clear the dishes. “So, who gets to work on the laptop first, Dad?"/ ”Me. I have to write an important email today and I don't know how long it will be yet. Maybe I'll be lucky and I'll get a quick reply"/ ”So you'll be on the laptop for the whole hour? Great…"/ ‘You can use your phone, be glad you're one of the few who still has it’/ ”I get it. I'll be in my room then”.

After his return, Cyclone mainly took care of the Internet reception. But not the restoration of the telephone network. That was something he was less familiar with. But he knew how to use a computer to bypass some barriers and close minor security gaps. So for now, everyone had to make do with just being able to send each other emails. “My mother saw the pictures, it was so embarrassing.”

Of course, it is also an incredible waste of text space and time if you only ever send each other small messages. But that didn't matter to the young people, the main thing was that they could communicate with each other at all, even if they weren't in the same room together. “Crap! Which ones?"/ ‘Luckily only this ones where I was covered’/ ”Yes, lucky! Hehe, imagine if she had seen the other pics too…”

“We'd better be careful with things like that, VJ. I don't want something like that to end up on the net either. You'd never post something like that, would you?“/”Me? Nonsense, don't worry about it, I'm not that kind of person. I'll probably go hunting again tomorrow. I'm starting to like it“/”you kill animals, I don't think that's so great“/”so that you and your family and everyone else here have something to eat, don't forget that!”.

“OK, OK, you don't have to hit on me like that” / ”Sorry, sweetie. But I'm really only doing this so that we can all survive here somehow. Man, why are they saying all this garbage out there about us all died here?"/ ‘I don't know, VJ’.

“Something is going wrong here. Maybe someone out there should finally be contacted to send us help. Didn't you used to have so many chat friends?"/ ‘Yes, yes…’/ ‘And do you have the e-mail address of any of them?’/ ”I don't know, I can check tomorrow. I want to sleep now, VJ, I'll see you tomorrow. Good night xx.”

You're probably asking yourself: why didn't they contact someone out there a long time ago, now that the Internet is available to a limited extent again? Well, perhaps they were unsure? After all, there were many stories and articles on the internet suggesting that everyone was dead. Would they then believe someone who sent you a message from here? “There she is, I don't believe it!”.

But what's the best way to start an email to someone with whom you had quite a few arguments back then? In the military, the tone was harsh. There was discipline and everyone had to listen to their superiors, even on missions. And even if the last encounter wasn't a pleasant one, Jack didn't want to leave it untried.

Jack looked at the watch and realized that he was spending more time trying to work everything out in his head instead of just typing away. Once he had banished the drafts from his head, he started typing. “I see you've been promoted, congratulations Miss Kennedy. A bad start to begin an email, but please read this carefully.”

Jack wrote everything that happened in the destroyed city after the disaster, who survived and how they had managed here without help so far. And that apparently no one had ever thought to come and check on things. He wrote everything carefully. For example, that he hoped he could write this message to her in confidence. But above all, he made it clear right away who he was, with some details that only she could know. “Perhaps you know something, Miss Kennedy, or can tell me something. So please… Get back to me when you receive this. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye…”.

“…But we should put the last bad encounters behind us and trust each other again instead. I think that's probably the most important thing at this time. Yours sincerely, Jack Bunch”. After he had sent the e-mail, there were only two minutes left in which he could have done something. But he let the time pass until the Internet fell silent again. Then he stared at the screen of the switched-off laptop for a moment. “I hope that was the right decision”.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

@greenplumbboblover ☺

[impyssadobsessions]

Bully: The Deal

I've been proud of what I wrote for a big story idea for Bully (the game by rockstar) but its still like first chapter and I probably wont get to it anytime soon. So I wanted to post some bits and pieces. Mostly showing like Pete's perspective and resemblance of like Gary and his Grandfather Also this is the game Bully so offensive language is kind of part of the deal.

Pete Kowalski have had many bad days in his life. As being a small and shy, but curious child, it was bound to be the case. Like the time when he was five and a bunch of boys poor glue all over his head. Or like the time he was eight and he watched his dog get hit by a car because he wanted to play outside with him.

The lady who hit the dog, fussed at Pete for not keeping him on a leash and demanded his parents pay for the damage done to the bumper. Pete never asked for another pet since.

There was also a time when Pete first started Bullworth. A bunch of bullies stuck him into a trash can and rolled him off of school grounds down into the beach path. He rolled straight into the water. Pete had to swim back to shore as the trash sailed off to sea. And that was just a few really terrible ones that came to mind, however, none of them compared to the deep sense of dread and anxiety of today. Well... maybe the dog thing was worse, but this was a close second. “Hello~ Earth to Fem-boy!” A hand waved in front of his face. The hand retreated back, like a pulled curtain, revealing a scarred face with a wicked grin. Gary Smith was back for another year at Bullworth. “I hate to disappoint you, Petey, but I don't swing that way. Though I know its hard not to stare. I'm an incredible. Human body at its peak.” Gary flexing his arms, “Humanities greatest achievement. Genetic marvel, really.” “Not mentally.” Pete bit his tongue as soon as he let his words slip. Cursing internally as Gary turned back towards him.

“Ooohoo hoo~ I see someone got started on their testosterone while I was gone.” Gary cooed with a nastier grin. Eyes sharp. Petey rolled his eyes, as he always did with the boy. Though he can't deny after the stunt Gary pulled last year, he was highly on edge. Just being in same room with Gary, set off his flight response. Pete couldn't imagine rooming with the guy again for another year or two. “Whatever Gary. What are you even doing here?”

“Oh, you know! Just like every snot-nose moron that infect these halls, I was.. forced to.” Gary gritted his teeth and clenched his fist, shaking it a little.

Pete raised a brow, his arms crossed. Forced to? “Yes! Girly-boy,” Did Pete say his thoughts out loud again? Though, with Gary, it could be that he read Pete's expression or that he wanted to continue for the sake of dramatic effect. “-Forced! Forced by the unfortunate trash that gave me life to attend this sorry God-forsaken zoo we call a school.” Gary flopped back on his bed, opposite of Pete's, arms crossed. His back against the wall. “Trust me, this is the LAST place I would want to be. Well, I guess second to that damn asylum.” Petey couldn't say he was shocked. Letting out a sigh, Pete asked mostly to himself, “Why me though?” “I don't know, Petey. Why don't you go ask Dr. Crabs-for-brains? After all, I'm sure he'll tell you with all the sucking up you had to do to get the title of HEAD boy. Or maybe he might even switch you with Hopkins if you offer some ass.” Pete's face flush with embarrassment and scrunched up in absolute disgust at the comment. “You're so gross.”

“I'm not the one sucking cock-” “Whatever, Jerk. I'm outta here.” Pete swiftly turned to walk out of the dorm. “Give the head a good kiss for me~ Right on the ass che-!” Pete slammed the door shut, a bit harder than he wanted to, but within ten minutes in the same room with Gary and Pete was ready to go back home. Too bad his parents wouldn't let him even if he did. 'You spend too much time inside!' 'Go out and play, son!' 'Don't you have a girlfriend, yet?' 'You're sixteen, Pete! Go to the park, go ride a bike, or get drunk at a party- just go do something!' Pete pinched the bridge of his nose while sticking his free hand into his pocket. To think he was even looking forward to the new year. He had FRIENDS.. well a friend and his friend's current... girlfriend? Jimmy never made it clear what Zoe was, but neither did Zoe. He was the head boy, which was bound to gain him some respect. At least by the smaller kids. The cliques were somewhat on good terms since Jimmy beat their asses again. Things were looking up for once. But... Pete should have known better by now, that anything that goes up must come down.

-----------------

“Here he is, Mr. Smith. The perfect model student of Bullworth Academy. Our Head Boy, Paul Kowalski-”Dr. Crabblesnitch stood up and patted Pete on the shoulder. “Peter, sir.” Pete corrected with a muttered. “Aha-yes yes. My mistake. Peter Kowalski.” Dr. Crabblesnitch's hand squeezing Pete's shoulder. His face keeping a stressed smile. “Head Boy?” The gruff voice of the older man asked with a raise brow. Pete tried hard not to frown as he recognized that tone. Mr. Smith plopped down in a empty chair right next to the one that was overturned on the floor. “This puny punk? Ha! He looks like one step away from wearing a dress and changing his name to Patty.” Okay, yeah. They were definitely related. Pete's face twitched in annoyance. “You must be Gary's grandfather. I can see where he gets his sense of humor from.” Petey outstretched his hand out towards Mr. Smith, trying to ignore the painful grip of Dr. Crabblesnitch's hand on his shoulder.

Mr. Smith tilted his head as his mustache swished back and fourth. Pete tried to keep his smile in place. He didn't want to appear weak or intimidated, but the silent tension was making Pete nervous. “Hahaha! Nice to meet you, Peter.” Mr. Smith burst out laughing while he reached out to shake Pete's hand. “Nice. To meet. You. Too... Mr. Smith.” Pete said through gritted teeth, trying to not let the pain show as Mr. Smith crushed Pete's hand in his grip. “Call me Allen, son.” Mr. Smith let go of Pete's hand and leaned back into his chair. He nodded his head slightly, as if he given Pete his approval. Pete let out a slight breath in relief. He folded his arms behind his back and rubbed his aching hand. Jerk. “Nice to meet you, Allen, sir.” --------------------

“So I thought to myself on how we could prevent the past from repeating itself and then it occurred to me. Our major blind spot is among his peers, thus entrusting a student with upstanding morals for the task was top priority.” Dr. Crabblesnitch looked over at Mr. Smith, “Of course, Gary Smith will be tested regularly as well to make absolutely certain that no tampering has arise.” This was a bad idea. A VERY bad idea. Pete couldn't stop Gary last year! He definitely couldn't, didn't WANT to this year. Gary did what Gary wanted too. He could fake it so easily and Pete... Pete was pretty certain all this would bite him in the ass. In more ways than one. “Hmph. Sounds like a lot of hoopla to me.” Allen's voice snapped Pete out of his daze. “S-sir! I was Gary's roommate last year and-and I don't think-” Petey stuttered. He had to say something, anything to try to get out of this. “Splendid! Then you'll already know what his condition is like with or without his medication.” “No-I mean yes, but-!” “Well! You've certainly convinced me, Crabblesnitch. I think its a wonderful idea.” Allen laughed loudly, standing up with a grin. Pete froze as he whipped his face towards Allen in confusion. What were all the adults on in this town?! The old man walked over to him, and slapped his back making the poor boy stumble forward. “I feel quite satisfied that this young lad is going to be playing caretaker to my grandson.” Allen barked. Pete's eyes danced between the headmaster and Mr. Smith. Confusion still written clearly on his face. “Ah, I'm so glad you've come to reason, Mr. Smith. Though Peter is not going to be responsible for Gary Smith's actions, he will at least keep us updated.” Dr. Crabblesnitch letting out a small breath of relief. Pete was too stun to reply. His fate was sealed, just like that.

---------------------

“Ah, finally some fresh air. I was getting tired of smelling all that bullshit in there,” Allen chuckled as he gave Pete a wink. Pete choked on a snort. “It was.. stifling to say the least.” Allen barked a laugh as he started to walk again. “Well, I'm glad there was at least one person that isn't stuck so far up their own ass that they can't smell shit around them.” Pete hummed in response, not sure how to take the compliment.

[doctorweebmd]

I never knew what to say about zsg because, well, there are a lot of aspects about it that don't align with my usual taste, despite its objective high quality. I mean, I'm a sfw fan 😂 That said, I'm always in awe that with your busy job, you continue to feed us so well. I'm busy too and only going yo get busier, so it's an inspiration, as longfics are what I prefer to write as well (though it doesn't come nearly as naturally, lol). And, you're right, zsg deserves to hear the love and admiration I have for it, so here goes.

To start with, the fic definitely has residence in my head, despite reading it nearly a year ago. There are scenes I still think about. I was talking about then with a friend just a week ago. Since I don't have time to read fic these days (cries), the most I can do is go back to old fics and reread my favorite scenes, and I do that with zsg, because there are such high quality, top tier moments. The "you're looking at me" "I never stopped" ??? That might be the pinnacle bkdk. I can't believe I've never seen that before in a bkdk fic? Or if it was there, it didn't hit as hard.

I know you're not so into the falling action part of a fic, but I loved the last bits with bkdk. When Baku realizes Deku's staying? Those moments they have of figuring things out are so good. And the provisional exam being inspired by Kamino was great. Really clever and a nice homage. And, of course, very nice that Deku could be a hero again.

Also, the Shinsou content is perf. I always love a side character having a big part in a ship fic and that shinbaku relationship is exactly why. (Similarly, I loved All Might and Aizawa helping Baku out.) That flashback scene where Deku calls Baku Kacchan? So good. And so smart as a flashback, because it would have been too much in the actual timeline, but where you fit it in the plot was really really clever. I also generally love a flashback--unpopular opinion, but I do.

Those were some of my biggest highlights! I hope my little disclaimer at the top isn't totally assholish 💀 I think you're just great and really admire your openness and the things you try to tackle in fics and your incredible output. I hope you're doing well <3

ahhh Anjum thank you so much for sending this!!! AHHH i'm sorry i complain on here so often i was so embarrassed i deleted the post lmao

gosh yeah especially when you read sfw stuff in general! i have this habit of writing REALLY detailed and explicit sex scenes 😳 what made you read it, in that case? (obviously you dont have to answer!)

god. every time i think about their devotion to one another i want to combust into flames. think for much LESS we had to work with when we were writing a few years ago?! the way horikoshi has developed katsuki into this passionate, level-headed, absolutely hopelessly committed to Izuku - literally never saw it coming. these two deserve peace in the end. they deserve to live a life on their own terms. they just DESERVE TO BE HAPPYYYY

urgh its Izuku's DREAM and of course horikoshi is setting him up to lose one for all, i think thats been his intention from the beginning, but his life is only starting!!! he's only 15!!! you're telling me he's going to risk his life and lose the only thing he's ever wanted?! i wonder if horikoshi used all might in his big-old mecha suit as a hint that deku would still be a hero, just using assist devices. at least i hope. this kid deserves a chance. (i dont know if you're caught up on the manga?? i'm kind of ranting lol)

adjfakldjflk;asjdlfjasdfj ANYWAY WHEN I TELL YOU THIS MADE MY DAYYYYYY adsjfaldjfkl argh you just made me so happy especially because its been a long time and i forget parts about it but TO HEAR THAT EVEN THE PARTS THAT FELT LIKE A STRUGGLE WERE STILL ENJOYABLE?! urgh i appreciate you so much thank you for taking time out of your day to reassure a complainy weirdo like me

[sycamorre]

Can I please get the whole girl gang with Ori, Mela, Vaela, and Riven!

[send me a character]

Oh boy you're making me do my homework over here!

Oriana —

Favorite thing about them: I'm going to be incredibly non-specific and say that her growth as a character was my favorite part of playing her. She started out as this uptight, dutiful monk who was scared to show her own face too much for fear of making people mildly uncomfortable (and honestly to avoid invasive questions) to someone who was finally getting comfortable with who they were was such a blast. I love her newly-acquired confidence and the dynamic it brings to her post-campaign. She's far from perfect, and never will be, but she's maturing and making a new purpose for herself other than being someone's errand girl.

Least favorite thing about them: She is the worst pessimist in the world and sometimes her logic is so quick to jump to the worst conclusions that she literally puts her foot in her mouth. And it hurts for me to write that every single time due to secondhand embarrassment but I have to commit.

Favorite line: "She loved you! She still loves you!" at the Prince during the final fight while she's trying to distract him (or something like that). Or Ori's first jab at Damak "Maybe you would see more of it if you stepped out of the shadows" since it still makes me chuckle.

brOTP: Even though the Ori/Damak ship didn't sail, I still think they probably stay pretty close and end up working together on jobs in the future. They absolutely still push each other's buttons, but that's just how they are and they don't question it.

OTP: I am so mad at myself retroactively for not giving into the OriRanna feels by the conclusion of the campaign but I do not regret bringing it up afterwards and getting to enjoy it now at least.

nOTP: Ori and Cobalt are forever divorced and they barely know each other, this is just canon.

Random Headcanon: Ori has a hard time accepting the fact that Sharaea is basically keeping her distance after the Prince's defeat. In part because she does feel that connection still and worries that Sharaea is hurting, and partially because it is such a strange sensation to her to be without the dreams for so long after such a major revelation. It takes her a long time to get used to it, but she still wishes that there was more she could do.

Unpopular Opinion: I don't know if it's an unpopular opinion among our little group, but I never had intentions of making Oriana some kind of fated hero. I never had thoughts of making her tied to a major NPC or giving her any kind of serious destiny, I just wanted to play a radiant energy bomb with the aasimar/monk combo because I thought it would be funny once I pitched the idea to Sam and he told me about Damak who was basically her foil. But I do adore how her story developed and how well it ended up narratively.

Song I associate with them: So many... "Like the Dawn" by The Oh Hellos, "Warrior" by AURORA, and "Drumming Song" by Florence + The Machine to name a few.

Favorite picture of them: I like a lot but honestly one of my favs is the one I made of Chibs trying to hit on her, partly because it's Chibs and partly because I did really like how Ori's outfit came out in this one.

Mela —

Favorite thing about them: Literally the most wholesome member of the group. Not a bad bone or crystal in her body. I am so sorry for all that we put her though.

Least favorite thing about them: Only that I didn't get enough time to learn more about her and her backstory. Sigh.

Favorite line: "Real neighbors. Real family. Not just people that make you feel like you can pretend it doesn't exist."

brOTP: Mela and Halion. Druid buddies that deserve the world.

OTP: Mela is an independent Genasi who don't need no one... though I could be swayed about a certain fae...

nOTP: Literally anyone who would try to be mean to her in a relationship will meet a swift end by my hand.

Random Headcanon: 100% think that Mela's magic is flavored to look like the crystals on her body. If she wildshapes and doesn't specifically want to look a certain way, the animal she changes into will have things like crystal horns/claws, the flame sword she summons has the appearance of a crystal blade, etc.

Unpopular Opinion: I do wish she had gotten a chance to use wild shape more. I think Mela being a cute little critter sneaking around would have been amazing.

Song I associate with them: "Come Out and Play" by Billie Eilish

Favorite picture of them: That dang sketch I never colored, rip

Vaela —

Favorite thing about them: Drinking game QUEEN. Also just the fact that she doesn't take any shit while still having a lot of heart and empathy to those who earn it. Something about that balance between the two just made her all the more lovable.

Least favorite thing about them: she can out-drink my high constituion monk I do think I missed out on really getting to know her during the campaign, and I regret that a lot.

Favorite line: Not a specific line but I think back to Vaela's talks with Erosen when he was ready and willing to be her stand-in dad before Vaela was ready to reach back out to her family and i can't help but smile.

brOTP: Vaela, Riven, and Mela is the real brot3 and nothing can change my mine

OTP: I mean... I definitely have a certain paladin that turns a lovely shade of pink when someone talks about her because she sure is pretty and really cool to boot~

nOTP: Zaresh and his memory is not allowed to ever hurt Vaela again. If Damak didn't do it, Ori would have definitely put him out of his misery.

Random Headcanon: Very little thing, but I could see her gathering small, light trinkets that remind her of her friends and tie them to her bow, possibly for good luck, and possibly as a way to to tell which direction the wind is blowing when she's aiming.

Unpopular Opinion: I still think it would have been cool for her to pull an Erosen and punch Zaresh in the face. Just once.

Song I associate with them: "Dear Fellow Traveler" by Sea Wolf

Favorite picture of them: So fun fact: I never finished them but I started making emojis of the party members for kicks and here's the one I started of Vaela:

Riven —

Favorite thing about them: Riven's sassiness and perfect comedic timing always leaves me in stitches. She really felt like the heart of the party in that way.

Least favorite thing about them: This is the hardest thing and most of my "least favorite" things are mostly the things Oriana keeps fretting about when she thinks about Riven being in such a high position so I'm gonna go with not much at this time to be honest.

Favorite line: Not a line again, but specifically the scene between Ori and Riven where Riv dressed her up while Ori reassured her that she didn't think any less of Riven after they all found out about her half-drow heritage. That always felt like a major point in their friendship and I hold onto it fondly.

brOTP: I wanna say Riven and Halion just because I think their friendship was so neat, and it hurts a bit when I think about their falling out post-campaign. But there's also Riv and Damak's sibling-ish dynamic that I love a lot, too.

OTP: As much as he pushes Ori's nerves, I do think Riv and Delethil are on the same wavelength as each other and fit very well together, even with Eravin in the mix.

nOTP: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Random Headcanon: On the occasions where Oriana comes up to Aerenth on business (either with Ranna for her research or at the request of various Tyados officials who think she's got some kind of in with them because she's friends with Riven), Ori always makes a point to find Riven and any of the other girls that might be there with them after all the formalities are done and run off into the woods to find a clearing to just hang out in like they did before.

Unpopular Opinion: As much as I understand the reason why she and Del made the choice to execute Vasion, I still disagree that it was the best decision.

Song I associate with them: "Savage Daughter" by Sarah Hester mostly because of the rebellious vibes

Favorite picture of them: I mean... I think it's obvious (also bonus Vaela).

[dreamingdarklyblog]

Experiments Part 2

So yesterday we played around with more things. I think triggers? Whatever it was I couldn't pick up on how/when/why it was happening exactly. But I feel like they were mostly triggers that I wasn't able to perceive.

I think I mostly write about things we did the day after because well... It's very hard to write about them at the time. There's a lot of confusion and I'm usually Very distracted >_<

So I can't really tell you how things started, or what order they went in... Or much at all I guess =/.

I think the first one was that after some conversation, I found myself getting more and more worked up. He'd say something and sometimes it was just, like, nearly normal conversation, or sometimes it was a pretty... racy comment. Or sometimes he'd send a picture. And I'd just get... Like a lot more excited. A LOT more. Whatever it was he said, or sent, or did was like... the hottest thing ever. It made sense at the time. Looking back at it, it seems kinda obvious that the specific things he said probably shouldn't have been THAT hot. But they were at the time.

Things escalated from there and it got to where I was pretty out of it. I remember hitting "peak excitement" more than a few times. And I wouldn't really come down. I'd just, stay excited. And peak again. It got pretty intense. And then it would just... Poof. Gone. Vanish. Which was super weird.

It's hard to describe it. Like maybe tossing a blanket over a lamp. The lamps still there, the heat and light are still building up. But the blanket is covering it, so it's like it's not there. Almost. But it IS still there, and could start a fire...

Okay I lost the simile a bit, but I think you get it I hope?

After that we took a break. I actually think maybe I wrote about that above part before? It sort of blurs together. I took a look but didn't see it. Maybe I just imagined posting about it? Lol

So then later on after a break, we were talking again, and I think he was playing with that same trigger. Actually I think this morning it had partially worn off, and I was seeing the actual way he triggered it. But it still had... Well. An impact. *cough*. I won't tell you what it was of course. Anyway, he was playing with it again, and I was getting very excited, and then something else started happening.

We would be talking, and then I'd just kind of lose the thread. I'd forget what I was saying, and thinking. It was pretty unsettling actually. But also, weirdly hot >_<. And I would... Giggle. Just this stupid, vapid little, ditzy giggle >_<

It was... Weird. But hot. Kinda conflicting. A lot of mixed feelings about it to be honest. But also Hot. So... Yeah.

Anyway, not long after that we had some other interactions go not so well, and we had to stop for the day.

This morning was... Different.

All the triggers had I think maybe worn off, but not entirely? It was confusing. I was seeing the things he was doing, things I hadn't seen yesterday. But I was still reacting. Not as strongly I think, but, there was this pressure to respond. And as he repeated them it got stronger, and stronger.

At one point I was trying to argue about something. Trying to make a cogent thought and I kept... Giggling >_<. Every time I tried the thought would just poof. I'd lose the words and Giggle. He was talking and, it was so hard to remember what I was arguing about. Every time I the thoughts would line up in my head they'd just vanish again with that stupid, vapid Giggle. He kept talking and I lost track of what I was arguing about. What we were talking about. Lost track of the fact that I WAS arguing. Everything just faded into this... Confused, Horny Fog...

It was both infuriating and... Intensely hot. >_<. Which is very conflicting and rather embarrassing for me. It's one of those things where like, I don't WANT to find it hot? But I do >_<

Anyway... Despite that being intensely hot, and getting me Incredibly worked up... We had to end things early.

It's been a VERY frustrating day >_<

[strictlybecca]

fic stats!

rules: give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the least words.

please excuse me bc i was not tagged in this, but i saw this pop up on my dash from some of my non-mutuals and i was OBSESSED - so i did not wait my turn, i've just gone for it :)

most hits: yes, there is a chain and no, you're not on it (schitt's creek) a patrick/david fic i started when there were literally 15 fics for them on ao3 - it's patrick and stevie's text chain for all of the episodes of season four and i still feel smug about some of the things i managed to predict. i think it has the most hits of anything because it was there at the Beginning on ao3, it's got the most chapters, and i did accidentally leave it unfinished for like two years. (oops.) [but it has an incredible podfic!]

second most kudos: the best made plans are your open hands (911) for a fic that kind of walloped me upside the head and made me write it in like... a single evening, the reception on this has been SO sweet!!! an au where maddie takes buck with her when she leaves home at 18. i call it my 'happy healthy buckley verse' and i even have some more headcanons for it in the tag i have for it. in my mind, nothing ever really goes wrong for these two in this verse; it's my emotional support au.

third most comments: i only wanna be alone with you (schitt's creek) another patrick/david fic, this one written for a challenge. (a deadline always increases the likelihood of me finishing a fic.) this is probably (?) the ~sexiest thing i've ever written and it is... like not that explicit lmao. it also had a prompt that made me want to jump out of window bc my secondhand embarrassment threshold is practically zero - but i managed to write something that even my poor little soul could read and enjoy. [technically, 3rd most comments is the previous fic, but this one isn't far off in 4th place.]

fourth most bookmarks: deliver us unto each other (the old guard) this fic is my favorite child. i just think the stuff i love writing and the stuff i'm good at writing collided in this fic in a really lovely way and i'm so stinkin' proud of it. i felt feral while writing it lmao. it's about nicky's complex but deeply earnest and loving relationship with god and how his love for joe actually reaffirms his faith!! plus some great nicky + nile bonding.

fifth most words: i fell heavy into your arms (as the world turns) this is not my favorite of my luke/noah fics but i am very glad one of them made it on the list because all of my longest stuff is for this fandom and i miss nuke an unreasonable amount. those big bang prompts could pull 30k from me, no problem!!! this one's an au where noah is a detective and he has to solve damian's murder - and holden is a suspect :(

and least amount of words: Commandeered (h50) god this one was written so long ago it's still got an uppercase letter in the title 😬 also back in the day when i was still posting individual drabbles as their own fics - i've learned better! this fic represents my intense mcdanno phase, which still lingers in my heart like poison. (or a bomb.) genuinely a delightful prompt tho - an au where danny is the navy SEAL and steve is the jersey transplant. i honestly think i pulled this one off pretty well! they still sound very much like themselves.

-

i'm sad none of my sparty fics happened to make it in, since that was an Era unto itself but all of these delight me, so!!! here you go!!!

i tag: @cluelessheroes @functionalnihilism @angryfightingjew @woebegone-kenobi and literallly anyone else who wants to do this. you, yes you. i mean it!!! i promise you, if you do this and just pretend like i've tagged you to do it i will EDIT this post and tag you in it like you've always been there. i don't care if we're not mutuals DO IT!!! (sorry this was fun i really liked it and i'd like everyone else to have fun too!)

[purplesurveys]

1780

When was the last time someone admitted to having somewhat of an attraction to you? Few months ago when some dude in Malaysia hit on me and also tried to use this cheesy pickup line which was tbh adorable but I just wasn't looking for anything so I turned him down.

If people hit on you semi-often, what race tends to hit on you the most? Eh that never happens to me.

Have you ever had an experience with ghosts or angels? If you have, explain: No and I don't believe in either anyway, so...

How has the summer been treating you thus far? June was fantastic; I went on back-to-back overseas trips and it was incredibly refreshing to have a month where I spent more time off than at work. The rest of it is an autopilot blur because I spent the rest of it working, lol. I can barely remember what happened in July.

What was the last wedding you went to like? Any pictures you’d like to post? I haven't been to a wedding since my aunt and uncle's in 2007. None of my friends are married, and the people I know who have since gotten married I'm not even close with so I've never gotten invited to theirs.

Was yesterday an exhausting and busy day? It actually was my most exhausting day of the week. It left me so tired I don't even know how I managed to drive home lol, I just wanted to close my eyes and pass out the whole ride.

Have you ever choked on food before? Not on food but on liquids and my own spit in the past, yeah.

Do you ever make awkward eye contact with people at restaurants? I wouldn't call those instances awkward. Sometimes I just meet eyes with strangers and that's all there is to it. I just look away as quick as I can so that they don't think I'm staring.

How often do random numbers call your cell phone? I wanna say 2-3 times a month because we're apparently doing a crap job addressing the whole thing about scammers and them having a hold of literally everyone's numbers.

Can you just go with the flow, or do you like control? I like an overall structure, but it's nice to have a bit of freedom within that structure. That said I definitely am not nearly as anal as I used to be and enjoying going with the flow is probably the biggest change I've undertaken in the last three years.

Is your internet connection slow? It is and it has been SO SHITTY the last 2.5 weeks. Our internet service provider is shit shit shit shit SHIT. I've been going to the office for 2.5 weeks now because I can't stand the slow service lmao; they also keep saying they'll bring someone in to fix whatever the fuck problem is happening but they've been saying that for the last couple of weeks and no one ever comes.

Have you ever unblocked someone that you blocked before? Yep.

Do you like to eat fruit salad? No that sounds like the worst punishment ever.

Can you take naps, or does it make you feel horrible? I can, but I don't. My free time is very rare and I always see sleep as a waste of time, even though I know I shouldn't... but idk, I guess I've always been a "I'll sleep when I'm dead" kind of person.

Do you know anyone who can’t swallow pills? I don't think so! I mean I have my moments where the damn pill just won't go down and the water makes me nauseous already LOL, but for the most part it's not a cause for concern with me.

When was your last uneventful day? That would be last Friday and Saturday – I had a fever then and both days were entirely spent on the couch recovering. I didn't want to risk getting up and doing stuff and possibly making my fever even higher.

Does your ex have a reason to hate you? Yes.

What annoys you the most about people? This is speaking only on the side of Filipino culture but I hate the culture of aggressive bargaining and find it embarrassing. Like the seller you're haggling is making a lot less than you are; if she says a top is 700 just pay the damn 700 lol. I'm FOR SURE in the minority here but I just don't like the idea of pressuring people, especially because I know I would hate it if I'm being forced to lower down prices that I set hahaha.

Don’t you hate how cameras are almost everywhere in public now? I don't find it a problem and it actually makes me feel safer.

Has anyone slapped you across the face before? If so, why? Yeah. Fuck if I know. I haven't talked to him in like five years.

How long have you been on the computer today? I want to say a little over 6 hours.

Did you know that a large fry at McDonald’s contains 500 calories? No but tbh I don't care. I know what I'm signing up for whenever I eat fast food, lol.

Do you find it hard to truly trust people? I trust my friends; it's a question mark for everyone else. I want to remain guarded, especially with how unsafe or sketchy the outside can get.

Do you prefer to have more or less in common with your siginificant other? Less is always more fun, as long as it's the little things – like me liking wrestling and my SO not understanding it one bit. It's a mess waiting to unravel if you have nothing in common with the fundamental items, like religion or wanting to have kids.

Why do you think people care so much about looks? Doesn't it just simply boil down to society and media and what we think society and media tell us to do?

What do you do when there’s a question in a survey that you don’t want to answer? I just delete it altogether or give a noncommittal answer.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a thing with? I did. I'm just calm now.

Have you ever taken a survey so long it bored you? Yes.

How easy was it to get over the person you last dated? 7 months, to my own surprise.

Do you allow people to ask you questions? Sure.

Would you take a shot of heroin for a million dollars? No.

Why don’t you talk to your ex anymore? I don't need to and I don't want to.

[bourbon-ontherocks]

I have definitely experienced this, anon is not alone!!

A few years ago, I posted the very first fic in a non-existent AO3 tag, and let me tell you that the sheer feeling of loneliness and embarrassment was CRUSHING. I'm not sure which one is worse between posting a fic in an active fandom and getting zero engagement, or being the only clown around lol, but I think the overwhelming feeling anon describes is the same regardless, as I definitely relate to that. For weeks, I felt incredibly exposed and embarrassed, getting a hit here and there but no comment nor even a single kudo. I considered deleting the fic. Multiple times.

And then. Then. It took almost three weeks (which I'm aware is a ridiculously short time for some fandom, I was just very lucky) but someone left a comment. And oh boy, what a comment! (@boom-goes-my-heart if you're around: 😘). They said that they'd looked for fics about this fandom with very little hope of finding any. That they couldn't believe my fic actually existed. That they'd loved it. And when I mentioned in my reply that I had almost deleted the fic, they were so grateful I didn't. I used to be in much more active fandoms with quite successful fics, but let me tell you that this single comment was worth a hundred of the casual comments I used to get back then. It actually made all the aforementioned embarrassment worth the wait. And then it took a few more weeks, a new season of the show aired, the fandom grew, and now it's a flourishing fandom with almost 200 works on AO3.

My point is, it might take a while, maybe weeks, months, years, but eventually your fic will reach its audience anon, even if, perhaps, you will be the only audience sometimes.

Which brings me to the second part of this topic, aka how to make that unpleasant feeling go away, or at least live with it. And my first answer would be, be proud of what you wrote! Being all excited to share something you enjoyed writing, and getting close to zero attention is, understandably, disappointing. But I find it easier to deal with when you actually love what you wrote. This is, incidentally, the reason why I didn't delete the fic I was talking about earlier. Because sometimes you might be the only audience interested in your own work, so you'd better enjoy it 😂

Another thing that works for me is getting invested in a new project. I like to think of my fics as little birdies of mine that I craft and shape, but when I hit the post button, it's like I'm letting them spread their wings and fly freely away from me. You can't control the way your fic will be to the world once you've posted it, but in some way, it's no longer your problem. That will be your fic's journey, not yours. So focusing on my next project helps me not to dwell too long on a feeling of failure.

And in the long term, I find that going through this kind of unpleasant experience can actually turn out to be quite positive! Because it helps to grow some sort of confident feeling that no matter what, you had fun creating something, and the rest is out of your control. Sometimes you'll post something that will get unexpected traction, and sometimes very few attention will reach something you loved crafting, and that's actually okay, it's just the way life goes.

Hang on in there anon, your fic will eventually find all the love it deserves, and I guarantee you that this love is worth waiting for ❤️

any advice about how to deal with posting a fic and getting radio silence? I know ppl aren’t owed engagement ofc, but I feel embarrassed at having spent so long on something no one cares about, and although I liked thinking about the characters and fandom before (and was considering writing more about them), now I can’t think about it without feeling that overpowering embarrassment 😭 part of me wants to delete the fic, but that would mean having to open ao3 and look at it again LMAO

sorry for the venting, I know this is probably a me problem, but has anyone else felt this, and if so, is there any way to make this pervasive shame go away??

*hugs* This is a very painful thing to experience and there isn't really any way to make it just go away, unfortunately. However, you can reflect on it a bit, when you're ready to.

Writing and posting are separate activities. If you've enjoyed writing the story but you haven't enjoyed posting it to the Archive, you can always continue writing just for yourself. This may or may not be something you'd enjoy - you know better than I do whether some of your enjoyment came from the anticipation of a reaction to your work.

Try to analyze where your embarrassment is coming from. Is it worrying that your story was poorly written? A lack of a reaction doesn't mean that the story is bad. Being unpopular doesn't mean it's bad, either. If your story is good to you, then it's a good story.

Is your embarrassment from feeling like you were "caught trying." Is it a cringe at the idea that you put effort into something that someone else doesn't (appear to) find valuable?

Is it actually embarrassment at all? Are you feeling a different kind of hurt instead? Did you hope that someone in particular would read your story and now you feel ignored? Did you hope to be embraced by your community and now you feel shunned?

These are difficult questions that I'm asking and you might not want to think about them right now. That's okay. You don't need to if you don't want to. You can definitely delete the fic and pretend it never happened. Or you can log out of that AO3 account and create a new one and never look back. Maybe you just need to take a week or a month off for a hiatus of sorts and when the ache isn't as bad, you'll be able to face it all again.

When I felt this way, it was because I felt like I'd put something into my community and that I'd been ignored. But since that time, I've found one person who gives me all of the community support I used to get from an entire fandom, and now when I post something on AO3 I don't actually need a response anymore. I get all of the fun and excitement and validation etc from my conversations and RP threads with my best friend.

Once you've got a little distance from the pain of this moment, try to figure out what it is that you were hoping to get and then figure out how you can get it. Maybe it's through posting fic to AO3, but maybe it's not.

Let's see what others can suggest. This is not something you're experiencing alone, anon. So very many of your fellow fan writers have experienced this too ❤️

[zorlok-if]

Dev Log – Oct 5

Hello everyone! 😊

Hope that you’re all doing well. Things are much better over here since my last update. Some tough stuff, but feeling like I'm in a good place. Unfortunately, schoolwork is eating up a lot of my time and I haven't been able to write much.

Zorlok Progress

Honestly, not too much (school has been A Lot)

Drafted some of the interlude scenes with characters like Giles, Nasir, Ciel, and Ainsley

Some plot restructuring

Character work

More lore entries

There's also more commissioned art coming... more on that later though 😁

Next Goals

Just getting as much writing does as time and energy permit

Main Posts

This absolutely incredible art of Rose by @sovhina

Some new cast profiles: Meet Giles, Meet Nasir, and Meet Ainsley

Updated the Zorlok masterpost and itch.io store page

Short about Dev and EJ reminiscing

Updated options for the first interlude

Changed/revealed some characters' names

On Ciel's asexuality

Things the cast are afraid to admit they're afraid of

Cast's favorite flowers, favorite seasons, favorite foods, guilty pleasures, and relationship experiences

Tommy embarrassing himself and Zorlok

Some reminders about asks and some other info about asks

Werewolf lore and a follow up

Major lore posts about the Local Factions and the Global Factions, some more info on the Slayers, difference between monster hunters and Slayers, are the Magi bad?, and some more info about how the global factions work

Other Stuff

Applied for graduation! (I'll finally, officially be done in December)

Obsessed about Dimension 20 so much (which you can see over on @gamesbyalbie) that I've gotten several friends to watch it, very excited to watch the finale and for the next intrepid heroes season reveal next Wednesday

Can't really think of anything else 🙃 (it's mostly just been school stuff)

And in other news/some really exciting stuff (for me at least), Zorlok just passed 20k browser plays and this blog hit 2k followers a few days ago! 😊

I'll be announcing a thank you event/giveaway soon. Lmk if you have any suggestions!

That’s all I can think of. Thanks as always for reading this and supporting this project (it means the world to me). Hope you have a good weekend!

- Albie 😊

PLAY ZORLOK | CAST | FAQ | NAV | ASK | LOGS

Even more posts you may have missed below the cut:

Some writing advice (and my many current reads)

How long have you been working on Zorlok?

Can you do magic if you're human? and what makes the magi different from humans?

What is the Summit?, did Zorlok go to the summit?, more on characters from the Summit, and is Tommy related to one?

Is Tommy worried?

How bad is this for the Demon?

What's up with Zorlok's real body?

How did the Demon let this happen?

How do demons spend their time on Earth?

When was Z last on Earth?

Did Zorlok date the Celestial?

A fun fact about the secret RO

Some hellhound and timeline related asks

Who does the hellhound like more?

Why is the hellhound kind?

Does Z remember the hellhound as their pet?

An ask about the hellhound's forms

Can we be mad at the hellhound? and a follow up

Will the Hellhound and Celestial recognize each other?

Celestial biblical form?

Can Z have fangs?

Consequence of D&D choice

Build-a-Bear trip?

Some Dev thirst here and here

An observation about Tommy's parents

[fullofleaves]

I feel like one of my fics ended up on a "rec" list or something, thought I'm using the word "rec" there very loosely because whatever list it's on definitely isn't recommending anything. In the past few days, I've just been getting negative comment after negative comment.

And fandom, I gotta ask. Why would people bother to go through a story that was finished eight years ago and leave their stale, unnecessary two cents? Honestly, this is baffling, and kind of funny. It raises so many questions. Namely, what do they expect me to do about the fact that they hate my characterization? Am I mean to go back and change things? Should I rewrite the plot of this entire fic to fix the fact that it allegedly doesn't make sense? Should I even be caring about the opinions of somebody who doesn't seem know how to spell the word "series"? Do I owe them a refund of the zero dollars they paid to read this? Did they accidentally hit "comment" instead of "close tab"? Did they accidentally do that multiple times??? (Wow that's embarrassing.)

Anyway, bottom line is: I don't care. I'm an adult, and I write for a primary audience of myself. If other people like it, that's a bonus, but I have to be honest here. 100% of everything I inflict upon AO3 is because I wanted to write it, I found the idea entertaining, and I decided to type it all out for my own personal satisfaction. I don't expect readers to enjoy every single choice I make. Hell, sometimes I'm not thrilled with what I do, but I do it anyway because I want to move past X roadblock and get on to Y scene. This is the great thing about writing fanfic on the internet. It doesn't have to be perfect. I can write absolute dreck if I want, and nobody can stop me. 🙃

But the big, glaring problem I see here is with the comfort level some people have with leaving these comments in the first place. See, I can take it. I get that email notification, I read their silly little opinion, and I dismiss it with a hearty guffaw. I am a confident person. The words of somebody I don't know and don't respect on the internet are about as important to me as bird crap on my car. It's a minor annoyance that I wipe up and delete if it's particularly bad and then don't think about again. Is bird crap going to stop me from parking on that side of the street? Nope. Are mean comments going to make me change my writing? (See answer to previous.)

Now what if I were a much younger person just starting out, posting a piece of writing for the first time? One I was incredibly proud of, and nervous to share with the fandom community?

Because I'm currently a contrary asshole, there are two things a negative comment will do to me. 1) Nothing. 2) Make me double down on my bullshit. Scenario 2 is way more likely, FYI. At a younger age, though, I would have been devastated. It took me a lot of years, a lot of practice, and a lot of determination to get to where I am now in my confidence level. As a teenager, and even in college, I didn't have that. I have literally been writing fanfic since before I knew fanfic was a thing other people did, but for years I never shared it because I was nervous about how it would be received. Other people's opinions mattered a lot more to me back then.

If I had received these kinds of comments on something I had written when I was 20, flat out, I would have stopped writing.

So that brings me back around to my original question of why people bother leaving negative comments and unsolicited criticism. Are you REALLY trying to help the author improve? Do you REALLY think your comments will have a net positive impact down the road? Is it REALLY necessary to go to the trouble of typing out your soggy opinion on a gay superhero story you read for free on the internet? For real, my dudes, I always find it easier to just nope out of something that's not to my tastes. Reading the whole story and then commenting about how much I hate it seems. Uh. What's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah. Pointless.

People who do this aren't trying to improve anything. They're not leaving criticism that's constructive in any way. They're just dicks with petty grievances. How cringe.

Now to go delete some more shit because I don't need this kind of negativity in my life. ╰(*°▽°*)╯