#and i'm genuinely interested in reading about how your lives have been affected

[most-normal-eccles-cake-ignorer]

Good Omens: Lockdown and Crowley not mentioning his living situation in S2*

*till S2E6 when he asks if he can have his apartment back bc he's bored of living in his car but Aziraphale doesn’t hear bc mentally he’s in Alpha Centauri.

Having read the 'Crowley doesn't tell him' Neil Gaiman ask close to when I first listened to Lockdown (I lived under a rock until recently), my initial thought was HAS HE BEEN LIVING IN HIS CAR FOR YEARS?! but I think he was still in his apartment in 2020:

as far as Hell knows, Crowley just had a pool party in holy water (the holiest) so the higher-ups are probably willing to give him some space (plus Beelzebub is busy going on pub dates w Gabriel)

while there should be ~8 months between the end of Season 1 events (The Very First Day of the Rest of Their Lives on Sunday, Aug 25, 2019) and the Lockdown phonecall (on or near the 30 year anniversary on May 1, 2020), I can't imagine that's a very long time for Hell, especially if you're understaffed and busy dealing with fallout from Almostgeddon / going on pub dates

Shax dropping off mail and asking about the boiler seems like something one does in the first few months of living somewhere, not ~3 years in (if S2 is in 2023)

That said, I think the phone call underlines why Crowley never directly tells Aziraphale that he is living in the Bentley in S2, and it's just a great conversation (all hail Gaiman) sooo I wrote about it:

***Note: This post analyzes the Lockdown phonecall from Crowley's perspective only. Our heroine is feeling quite emotionally vulnerable at this point in time so things are going to hit him harder than they normally would.

I do not think Aziraphale meant to cause him pain (!!) but Crowley can't see that yet and I've written this post in a way that reflects that missing insight. (I explain in more detail in this reblog if you are interested) I am working on a companion post for Aziraphale's side of this conversation and how I think it affects his behavior in S2 because if we know anything about these two, it's that their exactlys are different exactlys.***

Crowley’s habit of sleeping to skip time like an RPG character by a campfire amuses me to no end, but in this context it feels heavy. Crowley already worries about losing time with what he loves and he probably hoped things would be different between him and Aziraphale after the events of S1. But things don’t change much. Then lockdowns start, and Crowley is trapped in his apartment alone, transcendentally bored, and unable to make his brain shut up. Sleeping a month away starts to sound less awful.

But Crowley hasn’t given up yet; he’s still awake when Aziraphale calls, and he’s even giving it two more days. Was he waiting for Aziraphale to call? Is it even possible not to at least kind of wait for someone’s call when you are cut off from everything and the caller has been your only friend and crush for millennia?

Aziraphale asks why Crowley isn't "out and about" tempting people or setting a bad example and he responds:

C: Everyone's so miserable and cooped up right now anyway, and I just… well… don't have the heart for it. A: *glowing audibly* I'm not miserable~ C: Really?

Crowley sounds genuinely surprised at Aziraphale's happiness and quickly assumes it's because the angel has been around people. He's so lonely/depressed/in his own head that he hadn't even considered someone enjoying being 'cooped up'. *sob*

Aziraphale goes No actually I put the closed sign up in the window and I'm having the Time of My Life, never had so few customers, not in 200 years!, etc. Although, he says:

A: …There were a few young lads a couple of nights ago who broke in through the back and tried to steal the cashbox! But they soon saw the error of their ways~ C: *clearly amused* Did you smite them with your wroth? A: Well I certainly gave them a good talking to, and I sent each of them home with cake~ C: *annoyed, swooning* Cake? A: Quite a lot of cake, actually. C: *physically ill from having such a giant crush on this dumbass baker/security guard* eeeekkkgghhh I'm gonna regret asking but.. ...rrgh.. *30 seconds of Aziraphale joyfully describing his baking while Crowley probably tries very hard not to imagine the angel eating each item in sensual slow motion* I stg you can hear him struggling in the background once or twice

A: …And once I've baked them, I have to eat them all myself, which was why I was so delighted— C: To send your burglars home laden with baked goods, yes, nnyeaayeah I follow…

Crowley interrupts, finishing Aziraphale's sentence in his nervous hurry to say the next bit:

C: *loud inhale* You know, I could.. hunker down at your place. … Slither over and watch you eat cake. I could bring a bottle--a case of… something… drinkable…?

He's trying to sound so casual about it but this is someone who was rejected/abandoned by actual literal God after asking what he thought were welcome, uncontroversial questions. Asking makes him vulnerable. He's supposed to be the rescuer, not a demon in distress. He does not feel casual about asking.

Crowley knows it's unlikely but he's so miserable and desperate for company that he can't help but ask, just in case. Even the smallest chance of spending time trapped indoors with Aziraphale—with nothing to do but drink, watch him eat, and talk about things they'd normally avoid—is too tempting.

A: *panicking* Oh I— I— I— I— I'm afraid that would be Breaking All The Rules! *nervous breathing* Out of the question! I'll see you… when this is over. C: Right. gnnehh. I'm setting the alarm clock for July. Good night, angel. *dial tone*

And just like that, Crowley doesn't need two days to decide. The depression nap doubles in length. He doesn't hear how badly Aziraphale wants to say yes behind the fear, or maybe he does and it hurts worse because why isn't Crowley enough for him? You can almost hear the spiralling:

SHOCKING, asking made it worse. It always does doesn’t it? Why even bother? you just embarrass yourself.. SLITHER over? why did I say that *grumble grumble* of COURSE His Holy Holiness, your only friend in the universe, would rather eat cake by himself while everything goes to shit than ~deign~ to have you in his presence. "AsK aND yE sHaLl ReCeIvE" bugger this for a lark im going to bed

(a bit dramatic but we've all been there)

I imagine sleep doesn't come right away. Maybe his thoughts drift to when he sat beside the angel at a dark Tadfield bus stop after a rather eventful Saturday. Crowley must've felt a tiny bit hopeful when he invited Aziraphale to stay with him: Heaven had withdrawn its favor and the bookshop was gone; Aziraphale was like him now. Didn't that mean things would change?

"I don't think my side would like that." Apparently not.

In the end, Aziraphale did ride the bus back to Crowley's apartment and stayed till the next morning when he caught a cab, but only to sell the illusion. Crowley understood that as far as sides went, the angel was still on Heaven's, even if Heaven wasn't on his.

And now this: the entire world is shut down; there is nothing for Aziraphale to do but stay in and read and bake in his magically reconstituted bookshop and he still won't invite Crowley in. Burglars and un-fallen angels only—nobody who asks questions.

So... of course Crowley doesn't tell Aziraphale when he loses his apartment. He already knows what answer he would get; the angel has told him so many times. Aziraphale is a company man first, a companion to one very sad owl when convenient.

If Crowley works up the courage to say 'please take me in, I have nowhere else to go' and Aziraphale goes 'sorry, no, far too political, but I WILL risk being erased from the Book of Life to protect this nude amnesiac former coworker who always hated me,' it's going to be too much. You can't sleep long enough for that type of hurt to go away. Better not to say anything.

"Then nothing has to change, does it?"

[begrudging-fudanshi]

So i stared reading windbreaker after i saw your post about it , it's wholesome manga with amazing fights

in your opinion Why didn't nii satoru reveal Sakura's past until now ? Why was Sakura alone ?

Hell yeah. Welcome to the fandom. I'm glad my propaganda has been working.

To be honest, I've been thinking about this series way too much over the last couple weeks, so this is probably going to be A Lot. I am dumping a lot of accumulated thoughts in here and simultaneously trying to keep a bunch of other thoughts from cluttering it up. If any of this feels disjointed, it's because I've been trying (I swear) to not make this like 10,000 words long lmao.

(CW: Wind Breaker manga spoilers + discussion of child neglect, trauma, feelings of worthlessness, parental loss, grief, and a suicide attempt in the context of the series. Hope you're ready for some pain.)

I'm going to answer your questions in reverse order, because I think they're actually very closely connected.

Sadly, my read on Sakura's past is really dark. Based on what we know so far, there's a lot to suggest that Sakura has been badly neglected for a long time, both physically and emotionally. Based on his lifestyle and the way he talks about himself, I really struggle to believe that he's received any genuine affection or care in many years, if ever. (I'm so glad he was able to go to Furin.)

The flashbacks at the start of episode 1 of the anime suggest he was taken in by relatives who didn't want him, and I think they basically set him up for failure in every way. They seem to have done the bare minimum required of them by the law, like sending him to school, but I can see no evidence that they did much of anything else. Like, what kind of asshole sends a 15-year-old kid to live alone in a barren apartment with literally nothing to wear except his school uniform? Caring people wouldn't let a kid live like that. (That said, I have a bad feeling that his lifestyle seen in chapter 56 is an upgrade compared to what he had before.)

Given this, it's clear Sakura really means it when he says he's always done things by himself. I think this is why he looks so torn up when his friends show him real kindness and why he's so sensitive to anyone showing affection. I also think this means that he really wants to forget his past. This is a big part of why we haven't seen it revealed yet: Sakura isn't ready to revisit it, himself.

---

Something interesting about Wind Breaker's backstories is that they all (as far as I and my notes can remember) follow a consistent pattern. They're not just lore dumps that tell us about the character's past. They actually follow each character through a process of changing their beliefs about themselves, often based on their view of the past. This is why they're all in the first person. Some of these changes happen in the present while others are part of flashbacks, but either way the process is basically the same.

In each backstory, the character starts out believing something about themselves that gives rise to a contradiction that keeps them trapped. This belief somehow keeps them from living their best life and, often, stops them from changing their ways to make their best life possible. However, someone else helps them challenge that belief, giving rise to a revelation that lets them change how they see themselves. This change enables them to see new possibilities and lets them move forward towards the life they want.

For example:

Umemiya believed his parents would blame him for their deaths, so he couldn't let himself grieve them nor believe that he deserved to live. His guilt blocked out his memory of the event, keeping him from remembering what really happened. However, a nameless(?) Furin student and Shitara helped him realize that his parents saved him and were happy to see him survive. Thus, he was able to grieve and imagine a future for himself other than his self-destruction.

Kaji believed that his rage was uncontrollable and couldn't even see himself as human. Hiragi helped him realize that he could manage his triggers and change his behavior to be able to find acceptance and live his life.

Tsubaki believed that she couldn't like pretty things or express herself how she wanted. Ito and Yui helped her learn to dress up and present herself the way she liked, allowing her to accept herself and transition. (I know she's not canonically transgender but that's still the best way I can see to describe it.)

After Yui's death, Ito believed that she might never have truly loved him. Tsubaki, Sakura, Suo, and Nirei help him realize the secret meaning of the tree that she planted in his garden, letting him live his life without worrying if she was truly happy.

What's important here is that the character must be ready to have their beliefs about themselves challenged so they can understand their full truth. Otherwise, their story of their past would be incomplete. (Consider what Umemiya's backstory would have sounded like if he still believed he was a murderer.) In fact, we already have an example of this that I'll get to, next.

Because Sakura isn't yet in a position to challenge the beliefs holding him back, he can't reveal his past, either. He has friends helping him, but it's going to be a while before they've truly shaken his most unhelpful beliefs.

---

That said, this process has actually played out with Sakura once before and I think it tells us a lot. It shows us exactly why he's not ready to reveal his past.

In chapter 1, Sakura starts out believing that he's meant to always be alone, leading him to initially reject the people of Makochi. Then, Kotoha helps him acknowledge that he does want to be accepted and convinces him to give it a shot. However, while this is great progress and very necessary for Sakura's growth, this isn't a complete resolution. He still has an even more deep-seated belief that has to be addressed.

In addition to asserting that he's meant to be alone, Sakura also lays out another belief in chapter 1 that I argue really gets to the root of his deepest trauma. He doesn't quite say it explicitly, but it underpins both his belief that he's meant to be alone and that he's worth nothing but his fists.

The closest he comes to naming it is when he describes Furin. He says it's "The lowest of the low, hated by all others, worth nothing but their fists … It's a battle to determine the trashiest of the trash. That suits me perfectly."

I have to admit, the first few times I heard and read this, I completely missed how fucked up it is for a 15-year-old kid to say this about himself. I think I've gotten so used to taking shonen protagonists' confident declarations at face value that I just didn't question it, in the same way I've learned not to question, say, 12-year-old Gon deciding to become a pro hunter and travel the world fighting adults. The way it's presented very deliberately (and, I think, cleverly) blunts the impact as well, making use of shonen stylistic conventions to disguise it as stereotypical shonen protagonist bluster. This mirrors how Sakura masks his deeper feelings about himself.

However, as I read through the rest of the manga, it became clear that this is what Sakura actually, deeply believes. He's 15 years old and he truly sees himself as trash—in other words, worthless. The only way he can imagine finding worth in himself is through his strength. Even then, this is only for Sakura himself. He can't let himself imagine anyone else ever valuing him for any reason, so he must find self-worth all on his own. To put it more sharply, he can't imagine deserving unconditional love. Based on what little we do know about his past, this belief stems from a lifetime of emotional neglect.

The thing is, Sakura's belief that he's worthless is actually, paradoxically, a coping mechanism. As horrible as it is, it helps him rationalize his life in a way that lets him keep living despite his neglect and isolation. If he's truly worthless, then he's never had a reason to expect being loved or accepted by anyone—he's always been meant to be alone. This is how he can tell himself that he doesn't care and has given up. This lets him bury the pain of his isolation and pretend it doesn't truly hurt. By believing that he has always been worthless and unable to be (to deserve being) loved, he has had no reason to get his hopes up for the future, nor any reason to question why he's been treated so badly in the past. He can accept it (has to accept it), even if he hates it, because it was always inevitable.

Notice how Sakura reminds himself that he's given up right before punching the Spaltips' leader in chapter 1. This is the story he tells himself to contain the hurt. He does something similar in chapter 56, reminding himself that he's supposed to be alone as he grapples with his friends' kindness. He bludgeons himself with this reminder as a way to push away thoughts about his past. He then shifts his focus to thinking about his growing care for his friends rather than his feelings about himself. Once again, Sakura makes himself turn away.

The trouble is, this belief is his only means of holding back an unfathomable amount of pain inside of him. It's the only way he knows how to live with all the myriad ways he's been treated like shit. To doubt his own worthlessness, therefore, is to expose himself to overwhelming grief. Because, if he isn't worthless, he then has to ask himself why he had to suffer for so long. That kind of question is too awful for him—for pretty much anyone—to face on their own. This coping mechanism protects him, but it also traps him and prevents him from finding relief.

This comes to a head in chapter 1, as the townspeople surround him and the old woman tries to tend to his wound. As she reaches towards him, he screams at her to stay away. This act of genuine kindness fills him with terror. It's not just that he fears eventual rejection—Sakura fears the idea he could be accepted at all. Remember, he's just "failed" to win the fight and, worse, ended up having to be protected because he got hurt. Sakura could accept Kotoha's kindness earlier because he "earned" it by stopping her attackers, but now there's someone trying to help him for what feels like no reason. For Sakura, who must believe that he was never meant to be loved or accepted, being shown kindness for no apparent reason feels like an existential threat. It threatens to undermine the walls that he's built inside of him to keep going. This is why he allows Kotoha to help him instead—he can still rationalize her help as transactional.

This rationalization provides his means of escape. To accept his place in Makochi, he only has to accept that he doesn't have to be alone. He doesn't have to believe that he can be valued or loved unconditionally, nor that he deserved anything better. Instead, Sakura finds a way to "earn" his acceptance: The chapter culminates with Sakura accepting Bofurin, which he shows by leaping over all the others to kick the Spaltips' leader in the face.

By showing his strength, by upstaging the heroes and claiming his place among them, Sakura proves (to himself) that he is strong enough to be accepted. Rather than accept that he could always have been valued and accepted unconditionally—that he always could have been loved—Sakura would rather believe he's earned his acceptance based on his strength.

In this way, Sakura can continue to believe in his own worthlessness, saving himself from having to face his past. Because of this, even as he's learned that he can be accepted, he still maintained his belief that he was meant to be alone from the start (again, see chapter 56). This lets him continue to justify his past suffering and minimize his own pain.

This comes back around in chapter 162, when Sakura's classmates talk about his low self-esteem. Despite their efforts to show him that he's loved and valued, Sakura ultimately still believes he's only worth his strength. We see how he rejects Umemiya's praise, unable to understand how he could be praised when he "failed". Sakura can't believe he could be valued when he couldn't even single-handedly save the town.

But, as long as he believes this, his past will remain a mystery, not just to his friends and to us as readers, but even to Sakura himself. Just as Umemiya's repression kept him from realizing that his parents loved him, Sakura's repression keeps him from realizing that he has always deserved to be loved. He cannot acknowledge, can't even recognize, the pain he's endured in his life, because he still has to believe it didn't matter. Because of this, he can't let himself grieve or admit that he has always deserved better. He's still trapped believing he must always prove his worth through his strength alone.

Of course, changing this isn't going to be easy. He will get there. His friends will help him through it. Still, it's going to be rough. I think it'll be a while yet before he's ready to tell us about his past.

---

Addendum

All of that being said, something I really love about Wind Breaker is how hopeful it is and the way it shows Sakura living despite his past. To that end, I want to note one last thing: Sakura can still smile, despite everything else. No matter what he tells himself, he still feels hope.

I mentioned above that I didn't recognize Sakura's low self-esteem at first because it's masked with stereotypical shonen protagonist confidence. I think this is very deliberate by the author. We're supposed to see Sakura as cool, confident, and badass in the beginning, only to realize that he's also hurting inside. (Emphasis: that's also, not instead. These aren't mutually exclusive.) Sakura's cocky grin is part of a mask he wears, but it's not a lie.

While I believe Sakura has suffered a lot, it's important to emphasize that he's not broken or doomed to drown in grief. What I've laid out here is what I believe is going on beneath the surface, and I do believe he's going to have to face his trauma eventually, but let's not forget that our boy can still smile after all of that. The fact that he can smile doesn't mean that he's not hurting, but the fact that he's hurting doesn't mean he only feels pain. Let's not do him dirty by miring our view of him in grief. Instead, as we acknowledge how much he's suffered, let's also be happy at just how far he's come and hopeful for how far he'll go in the future.

[cecropiacrown]

We’re… friends, right?

Yes, we are.

Well, I need to ask you something. As my friend.

Oh?

But—and I promise I’m not joking—I also need to ask you something as… Ju Yang.

Oh?

So I have never struggled, as some people do, with my method of cultivation. I’ve never found another person attractive in the way people describe. Aesthetically, sure, but not… not carnally. That’s never been something I’ve dealt with. I’ve never had to worry about such things.

There are plenty of people like you who also feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Ah, but… that’s not what I’ve come to ask about.

Then what?

I understand those feelings. I understand how to live my life that way. What I don’t understand… what I can’t possibly fathom… is that it could change.

Mu Qing, are you saying that—

Can such a thing change, Feng Xin? I’m dealing with—with these feelings that are so out of my realm of understanding and I just—

What is it exactly that feels different? Is it that you’re now noticing others in ways you haven’t before?

Not others.

What?

Not… not multiple others. Just one person.

Ah, I think I may understand.

Oh?

I think you may be like me, Mu Qing.

In what way?

Let me ask you a question first.

Go ahead.

This person, are you very close to them?

Ah, yes. I am.

How close?

Quite…

And when did you notice these feelings you harbor for them?

Recently. Within the past few months. But, I suspect I’ve felt this way for them much longer than even I have realized. It makes… sense, looking back at least.

I think you may indeed be like me then, Mu Qing.

Explain yourself.

Well, for me, I find that I don’t have the capacity to feel romantic or sexual feelings for others unless I have an incredibly strong bond with them. That’s not to say I feel those things for everyone I have a strong bond with, just that the bond is a prerequisite.

Oh.

Yeah. Is that what you wanted to talk about or?

Well, yes, but… but also…

[Mu Qing swallows. Feng Xin furrows his brows and leans forward.]

I've changed my cultivation.

You… you did?

I did. And that’s where I need some… advice from Ju Yang.

Mu Qing—

Listen, I have looked through scrolls about how—about how it all works and they just—weren’t helpful. At all.

A-Qing—

I need to know more about—

First, tell me how the reading material was unhelpful. Are you looking for diagrams or—

No. No, I found plenty diagrams. It’s just that the material itself wasn’t…applicable.

How so?

I could only find texts about… intimacy between two people of the opposite sex.

…

…

Oh. Oh, Mu Qing—

What? Just—stop looking at me like that, I just—

You’re interested in a man?

…

Yes.

And you changed your cultivation for him?

No, no—I did it for myself mainly. But… but also because I wish… to be able to offer myself in that way. Not because it's expected of me but because I truly wish to experience it.

And have you told him this? That you've switched cultivation methods?

Ah, it's hard to say…

Have you even told him of your affections?

No. No, I haven't.

Why not?

I… I'm not confident he feels the same for me. I could make a fool of myself. I could be ridiculed.

But you said you're quite close to him?

Yes.

Anyone you're close to wouldn't dare to mock your feelings. There's really no sense in not confessing, when truly you have nothing to lose. Either you don't confess and you never know whether your feelings are returned, or you do confess and end up with an answer either way—even if it's not the outcome you're hoping for.

Even if he doesn't reciprocate, I'm sure he will be incredibly honored to have been the subject of the great General Xuan Zhen‘s affections.

[Feng Xin smiles, a bit teasing, but still with genuine care.

Mu Qing looks… torn. ]

Mu Qing?

Yes?

Who is he?

I… I can’t say.

Mu Qing.

Feng Xin?

It’s not Pei Ming, is it?

Oh gods no! No! What are you thinking!?

Then why won’t you tell me?

…

Mu Qing… I know him, don’t I?

Yes.

Then let me vet him. Or duel with him, at the very least.

What? Duel with him?

Yes! To determine if he’s worthy of you—though I can already assure you he isn’t. Of all the men I can think of who could reasonably be your beloved… none of them deserve you in the slightest, Mu Qing.

It’s you.

…

It’s always been you, A-Xin.

________

Been thinking a lot recently about post-canon fengqing becoming very close friends, maybe within the first decade after canon. Mu Qing, after everything that happened, being a bit softer and more open to his friends, but especially to Feng Xin. And then Mu Qing realizing he has feelings for him... it makes me so soft 😭 so I cleaned up this dialogue and wanted to share. I might expand on it later, we'll see 🩷

[pauking5]

Runaway 🏎️ Chapter 1

Pairing: Naozumi Hiyama x fem reader oc

Synopsis: There's no place for women in the world of racing. Let alone rally. Until you show up - the daughter of a racing legend who lost everything out of nowhere - ready to stir the pot of competition and throw fuel to Naozumi's fire, burning wild in more than just one way. Just how far will you go to take your rightful place in the world of rally, restore the team to its glory and change things for the better?

Genre: racing AU, enemies to lovers, rivalry, suspense, a whole lot of teasing, gender power games, dating in secret

Word count: 4.5k+

A/N: Here it finally is. I can't believe I got to write about one of my passions in this way. Though I love rally, getting the technicalities right was rough but I researched as much as I could on it so it feels like the real thing, though there might be some minor inaccuracies, not really affecting the story.

This one has been in the works for a good period of time and though this first chapter is short and fast-paced, there's so much more coming. Trust the process cause god knows I do. I hope I can make Naozumi justice and I can't wait for you to read the next ones. Enjoy lovelies.

Now Playing: Edge of Seventeen - Wuki

Next Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

It's not about how fast you go.

It's about how long you go fast.

Fast like-

A knock reverberated against your helmet, interrupting the pre-race mantra before you even finished reciting it, bringing you back to the chaos prior to the race start.

Chaos you wanted to avoid at all costs.

Blinking your eyes open, you took in the smell of burnt rubber and the atmosphere, fully packed with the deafening roars of the crowds in the stands soaring over the music heard all the way to your station. Another voice joined in the noise, demanding your attention.

"Raiko, are you ready?"

Letting out an exasperated breath, you waved off whoever spoke to you and closed your eyes again.

"Give me a minute, will you?"

Okay, where was I?

It's not about how fast you go-

A drilling noise came from your right, annoying the living daylights out of you.

Ah, fuck it. Since we keep getting interrupted...

How about I tell you a little bit about me.

Name's Raiko Suruki.

Yes, that Suruki. Here we go again.

I'm the daughter of the famed Hiro Suruki, five times Japan World Rally Championship winner, consecutively if I may add.

Proud podium sitter for thousands of times.

Also kind of a living legend of the primetime of the rally world.

The same Hiro Suruki that started one of the best teams in the history of Japanese rally, snatching six more titles under his directory. WRC'S Golden Boy.

After his personal fifth title, he decided he wanted something more. Something that would fulfill him, beside his love for driving at the most insane speeds known to man and having his first and only child - that's me, in case you didn't know.

Anyway, without any second thoughts or doubts, he retired from the sport out of nowhere, changing the fireproofs for the laid-back team principal shirt and a cheap very 'dad' baseball cap. At barely 35 years of age, he took the biggest leap of faith of his life and Suruki Racing was born out of fuel and passion for rally.

He poured everything he had into the team and built it from scratch, taking it so high in his prime that everyone wanted a piece of it. Be it driving in a seat for the team, changing parts as a mechanic or simply having shares in it.

It was basically the shit. The pinnacle of rally in the whole of Japan.

The team became a national sensation. So many influential people, from mere businessmen to politicians, even foreigners were so interested in it and helping it expand. It genuinely felt like the only way for him was up, flying like a rocket towards the legends' hall of fame.

It went like that for a while. He was beaming with happiness, unable to understand where all that luck came from. But like everything good, it didn't last. Once he started to question it all, it was like a switch flipped inwards and it all fell to ruins.

Everything started going wrong.

All of a sudden, the cars started missing parts the night before races. They had engine failures mid-race in almost every stage, followed by DNF's on every scoreboard.

And those aren't even the most shocking things that happened. You name the disaster and it definitely happened to Suruki Racing at one point. Disastrous, life-changing, career-ending type of things.

The mess piled up more and more and it showed despite dad's efforts to stay afloat.

Contract deals with sponsors started falling through, losing funding for a lot of parts and investments in equipment. Then the drivers got fed up with the constant failed races and blamed the car or the team if they felt like it. They terminated their contracts way before their terms were up under the pretense that they wanted different things... which were not related to Suruki Racing. The mechanics chose to stay, well, a few of them anyways, but it wasn't enough.

The team ripped at the seams and slowly but surely ran into the ground and dad couldn't find at least one reason why it happened.

It was like a curse you couldn't get rid of and I saw it happen first-hand.

The late nights he would spend in the garage trying new parts that kept failing with every test on the car. The way he would go as low as begging the drivers to come back offering them money he didn't have because no driver, rookie or experienced, didn't even bat an eye once the name of the team was mentioned.

Lost, penniless and with a heavy heart, he had to watch the one thing he loved the most on earth rust little by little, no matter what he would do to prevent it.

Mom called it karma for his reckless racing days because as talented as he was, the road forgives no one. That you can be God's favourite and still lose everything. And he didn't want to understand that. He never did.

I was too young to help back then. Too young to understand what Suruki Racing meant to him. Too young to do the only thing I could to save it.

Until now.

So, let's try that again, shall we?

Name's Rai Suruki, driver for Suruki Racing 2.0.

Another knock to your helmet, echoing in your head louder than the first, brought you back to the real world for good this time. Mechanics rushed around you to finish the set up on the car before you were called up to take your spot in front of the race marshal, which from a quick glance at the scoreboard would be soon.

Looking to your left, you were met with a set of dull brown eyes, messy jet black hair, a funky moustache and an extremely creased forehead for his middle age, all belonging to your co-driver, Don Tanaka. He's another legend of the sport.

Former training coach for some of the current biggest teams in the WRC, with a CV of experiences surpassing most people that have been in rally for longer. On top of all that, he is an even bigger friend of your father's. When he called him up asking for an old favour to train you, he couldn't say no.

But if it was up to commenting, you'd say he was one of the biggest fools for giving up a lavish salary with so many perks for one favour, especially for your old fart of a father.

Driving with him was great, but training with him was hell on Earth.

"I was doing my mantra," you reasoned, trying to get him off your case.

"Your mantra sucks."

He is an absolute joy to be around, isn't he?

"Well," you turned to him in your seat with a tight-lipped smile, "you're the one choosing to be co-driver to a young adult at your ripe age of 40. If I was you I would've picked something more calming, like gardening."

Bringing his hand to his chin in thinking, he sat in silence for a moment before he spoke.

"That doesn't sound so bad right now," he went on trying to push your buttons.

"Oh, shush," you waved him off, turning back to the wheel.

If there was one thing he liked doing, it was keeping you in check by poking fun at you. He was like that one uncle you could always go to with your secrets or to ask for extra pocket money, but in return he liked to tease the fuck out of you for it. Every. Single. Time.

As much as you hated his antics, you did kind of owe him a lot. He was the one who caught your talent for racing early on, back when you would drive plastic mini cars made from scraps around the team garage like you had years of experience. A few drifting maneuvers around old tires done like a pro at the cool age of 8, and he was sold on you and your potential.

Amongst all the teasing and the pain of having to train like a man, you've spent enough time with him to know you could count on him for literally anything. He was the best co-driver you could ask for and you wouldn't want anyone else in that seat directing your fate for the world.

He knew what it took to annoy you greatly in order to deliver on the dirt track and prove yourself. Especially now, since you were the only woman on highly occupied male territory.

Racing is a man's world. With as many female advancements in motorsport as there were today, the majority of the community was still not convinced that a woman could drive better than a man or even compete alongside a whole grid of their species. They can regard you, acknowledge your existence, but they would never accept you.

Your father knew your entry to the championship would stir up a lot of unwanted attention, besides the fact that he was basically reviving a cursed team and you happened to be the poster face for it this time around. It sounded like a catastrophe in the making.

Frankly, you were ecstatic to get to drive an actual race car outside of the junior series and helping the team get back to its rightful place, restoring its deserved glory. But you knew it wasn't going to be easy work. Especially, since public enemy number one - the press - was going to try and tear you to sparkly shreds for a lot of reasons. An attack that they started before any official information was out.

A few months ago, when the announcement of Suruki Racing's comeback after ten years of inactivity hit the WRC, the media had a field day with it.

They criticized your father for being a nutjob that didn't know when to quit. They smeared Don Tanaka's name like he didn't make most of the drivers currently selling their dying papers. They even tried to get paid scoops from anyone involved with the team in the slightest.

But the team had one wildcard left to play before pulling the curtains for good and giving them the satisfaction that they ruined it.

You.

The press didn't know about you. No one in the other teams knew about you. Thanks to your father's extremely private life, no one even knew of your existence.

The only people that did were your team in the garage, from the mechanics to your PR agent.

Even walking into the circuit grounds this morning, long hair down over your shoulders, sporting the team gear in plain sight, no one batted an eye at you. Even if they did, they would think you were involved with technical or marketing - though even that was a rarity in this universe - or worse, just another groupie looking to get one of the drivers under your hood.

Your father wanted to give everyone a show they'll never forget by having you drive the first race in the calendar without a proper introduction. No car reveal. No interviews. No pre-race press conference. Just a car and its driver.

This way they would judge your driving before they actually got to judge you for being a woman at the wheel of a three hundred horsepower beast. He trusted you and your judgement on the track far more than the lousy press setting you up for fail. They would get a proper car show and speech after the race anyway.

It was out of the ordinary but that kinda summed up Hiro Suruki and his bipolar personality.

The distorted sound of a megaphone, followed by the voice of the race marshal called you to the start line.

"Car 7, Rai Suruki for Suruki Racing, you're up next!"

You could already see everyone turning their eyes to your station, booming cheers going quiet, turning into sharp murmurs.

Time to get this show going.

Rolling up your windows to block the world, you put the car in gear and drove to the start line, waiting for the green light. Looking out at the lines in the road ahead of you spotting the first hazard ahead, the nerves climbed up your spine faster than your engine could pump the pistons for pressure.

You prepared for this for most of your life, but if you were being honest, it all got a little too real now, sitting with your foot hovering above the gas pedal ahead of the moment that could make or break your career before it even started. The very moment that could be a step forward to restoring your father's name, getting the team back on track in a new age of rally racing. The moment for a change.

No pressure, right?

"Raiko," your co-driver called your name, but you couldn't tear your eyes away from the road, gloved fingers tightening on top of the wheel with a small snap. "Do you remember the course?"

"Yes."

"Good. All set?"

"I think so."

"Raiko, look at me."

"You're not my style."

"Raiko," his voice turned more serious and deep with warning. With another sigh into the small, cramped space for breathing your helmet provided, you turned to him.

"You've got this. Let's prove everyone wrong."

He was right.

Let's prove everyone wrong.

The race marshal started the countdown, walking from the front of your car to the side, each number in the count descending with your nerves. You loosened the hold on the wheel, stretched your legs to the pedals and let out a deep breath.

"3."

It's not about how fast you go.

"2."

It's about how long you go fast.

"1."

Fast like lightning.

"GO!"

A soon as the lights went green, you hit the throttle and took off into the dirt, raising the dust behind you. You skidded off to the side a little due to the gravel but you got control of it before anyone could notice.

Tokai was a pretty difficult course to rally depending on which stages got picked for the day. More forest terrain gave way to hard roads, receding in wheel control, gaining insane suspension pressure. This one was more of an open valley terrain, which was a bit safer, but the later you got the okay to race, the more dust and gravel from other drivers would pile up in front of you, making visibility dangerously low. The corners were way too tight and one second off from Tanaka's directions or a mishap of your footing could cost you and put your car on the sidelines.

"5 left over crest," Tanaka paced you for the upcoming hill and you prepared to release the throttle.

"1 left 100."

Wheels back on the ground, you resumed pressing the pedal as a hairpin portion came into view. The cloud of dust in front of you was chalky and you had to get through it before it raised higher. Putting the car in second gear, you got ready for the drift portion.

You had to be extra careful here. The mechanic in chief told you to go easy as the rear could send you into oversteer, throwing off the balance of the car and fuck up the race completely.

Listening to your gut, you waited for the right time then tapped the brake, cut the wheels and pressed the throttle, sliding across the portion. Loud cheers and whistles erupted as the crowd in the stands got up to watch you complete a perfect drift.

"3 right don't cut."

Reduce pace and prepare for a possible road hazard.

You slowed down and sure enough a bump in the road came up. If you missed that one and took it at 120 kmph, it would've projected you off the track, crashing the car hard into the rocky wall like a cereal box. Thankfully, you swerved around it, feeling the car lift off the ground on the left for a bit before it fell back down.

"6 right very long."

Hard left into a tight corner.

"Cut 8 left."

Tight corner requiring you to follow a straight line in the curb.

This was the last and worst corner on the track. You were lucky it didn't rain because this is where your car can skid off into the stands. You caught the straight line pretty fast, cutting a few seconds off your lap time without slowing down.

Following the rest of Tanaka's directions and focusing on the rest of the road, the race finished before you knew it. You liked the state you were in as you drove, mind clear of everything else because as soon as the adrenaline in your body decreased, your brain got bombarded by all kinds of issues.

Did I push the new suspensions too hard? God, I hope I didn't scratch the rear in the hairpin. Was my timing too off on that last corner? I should've practiced it more.

Driving back to your team's station, you sent all those worries at the back of your head and got out to watch the screen showing the score board just as it updated to display the new track times since you were the last to go.

1. Akira Shinkai - Sigma Racing Academy - 1.23.40

2. Naozumi Hiyama - Spica Racing Factory - 1.23.59

3. Rai Suruki - Suruki Racing - 1.24.25

"WE BAGGED THIRD PLACE?!" you yelled throwing off your helmet onto the car seat.

"WE SURE DID," Tanaka high fived you, beaming with energy just like you.

"That's 15 points on the first stage! Well done, lightning strike," he ruffled your hair as you snickered, nose scrunching up with a smile at the gesture you were already accustomed to.

"The car held up a lot better today than in testing. Maybe we lifted the curse," you wiggled your eyebrows at him at which he flicked your forehead. "Ow, what did you do that for?"

"Don't jinx it. We still have two more stages to go."

"But-"

Before you could say anything else, you were interrupted by angry shouting coming from the station next to you.

"I told you to not touch the third gear," yelled a strained voice.

You walked to the side of your station, peeking your head by the team banner, and watched the heated exchange between one of the drivers and his mechanic. Your eyes wandered to the car sitting in the middle, not one hand touching it for the regular post-race check up. From the different strokes of sky blue layered over stark white, the red and blue sponsor stickers and the carbon spoiler, you recognized it to be Spica Racing's.

"It doesn't matter now," shouted another voice, so annoyed and sure of themselves as if they owned the place. "I got a good lap record this time."

"What would you do if you had to retire in the middle of the race?" shot the mechanic, chastising the driver for being careless.

He got up in his face, towering over him though the other was much taller than him.

"We won't win if I don't attack!" he yelled back, throwing his hand in the air to make a point. "The moment I think of being scared I will lose. I won't make that mistake. So just do your job and fix the car."

With that final remark, he rounded the car to walk away from the station until he noticed you in the corner, now standing in full sight just at the line between your stations.

Quickly replacing the scowl on his face with what was probably his natural smirk, he came to you, stopping short of the barrier separating you.

"I don't do autographs, but for you I can do more than that," he added a daring wink, flashing his cocky smile at you.

Ew.

Taking a small step back hoping his vibes wouldn't envelop you, you uncrossed your arms from your chest and lifted an eyebrow at him.

"I don't want your autograph."

Taken aback at your response, he backed up slightly too and looked you up and down, taking in your deep blue and dark gold team fireproofs and the suit tied messily around your waist. The old, way out of fashion colours seemed to ring a bell.

"Suruki Racing...," he started doubtful, "the shithole that revived from the ashes? Are you a mechanic, a co-driver or something for them? If you are, why don't you jump ships? I wouldn't mind having you on my team instead," he finished his speech of intent with another shit-eating grin.

Who the fuck was this guy?

The audacity that wafted off him must definitely make him popular with the ladies.

"I don't think we've met before," you extended your hand out to him, curt and polite, like a normal person would do, introducing yourself.

"Rai Suruki, driver for Suruki Racing," emphasizing your role in the team so he got it through his head that you weren't some bimbo.

If you were, you'd make sure your fist decorated his face in pretty red tones before anything else.

He straightened back, smirk gone from his face in all sense of the word. It got replaced by some kind of curiosity. Looking between you and your palm hanging in the air he looked confused to say the least. He's heard about female racers before and seen some working in technical around the place, he's just never seen one stand against him on track.

Tired of being polite to someone who obviously has never heard about manners, you were about to retract your extended hand when he caught it in a firm grip and pulled it towards him, just holding it instead of shaking it. The move sent you forwards, almost barreling into him when your reaction response kicked in to steel you a safe distance away.

Maybe Tanaka's intense survival program pays off sometimes.

"So," he began and you wondered if he was about to say something intelligent or spew more shit with that mouth of his. He decided to choose the latter. "You're the one driving the Beetle dupe right there?"

Eh, come again?

Your eyes widened at him, looking at where his finger was pointed to confirm that he was pointing at your car and not anywhere else, then you whirled your head back at him appalled.

"B-Beetle dupe?!"

"I thought you were a guy."

Wouldn't be the first time I heard that one.

You took your hand back from his hold, wiping it on the sleeves of the suit hanging on your hips in the hopes that it would wipe off the disgust you were feeling too. It didn't but it was worth a try.

"It's the name," you replied through gritted teeth.

He backed up some more to scan you again, though more attentively this time, like you were some kind of illegality, cooked up from the pits of his imagination. You gave him your best front, hardening your jaw and rolling your shoulders backwards, proving you were more than a pair of boobs and a vagina, which was apparently his deranged first impression of you.

You deserved to be here. No amount of stares from the male specimen, surprised or with sinful intentions, could ever make you back down from this. This was yours to take on. No man could take this from you. Not him anyway.

So, you stared him down too, trying to find something else beside the extreme big dick energy and unsurmountable lack of scruples surrounding him. Struggling to see anything else but some disdain in the way he crossed his arms over his broad chest, a rich prick attitude from how he shifted on his legs like the world owed him golden lingos every time he breathed, and some leftover rage from the screaming match with his mechanic still present in the tick of his jaw, you let your eyes meet his own in conclusion of your very own analysis.

Yeah, there's nothing else in there. An ambulant douchebag. Just like I thought.

Flashing cameras were suddenly thrown in your faces, interrupting the intense stare-down between you. The press and some people, potentially fans of other teams by their t-shirts, surrounded you from every corner of the plastic barrier around the two stations, pushing each other over the race marshals that tried their hardest to keep them away. It wasn't long until they pushed over the barrier.

Too absorbed in the chaos, you didn't notice he leaned down to your ear but when you did, you stilled in your shoes, all blood draining into your pounding stomach. He spoke close and low, so only you could hear his words.

"Don't get too comfortable around here, rookie," he whispered, hot breath hitting the shell of your ear making shivers run down your extremely clothed spine. "Let's see how long you last in here because this season might just be your first and last."

Pulling away with another one of his smirks that were starting to get on your nerves, he regarded you once more before he walked off in amusement to his cool-down room, giving you a full view of his broad back.

Oh, just you wait -

A reporter shoved into the human barrier of orange and green safety vests reaching the railing, yanking it back and forth repeatedly until the poor plastic seal broke off, letting everyone else pool in around you.

Uh-oh. This wasn't good.

They packed around you like wolves on their prey, all shouting different things at you while shoving their big cameras, recording devices and phones in your face. The flashes blinded you, turning the world white and too bright for it to be natural light from the clouded sky above.

Your hands shot up on instinct to cover your eyes from the flaring lights as your ears focused on filtering through the blaring sounds of camera clicks and voices. Then the countless questions registered clear as day, hitting you like a truck at full speed.

"Are you Rai Suruki, daughter of Hiro Suruki?"

"Where did your father get the money to restart the team?"

"Is your car even going to last a season?"

"Do you consider yourself a challenge to the rest of the drivers?"

I guess that was it for mystery, dad.

Some of the other teams passed by the ruckus, sparing quick judgmental glances or sending disgusting sneers your way like that was the way they initiated your welcome ceremony at the gates of the jungle.

If this was any other series, you would've been so welcomed by the rest of the grid and treated somewhat better by the media and the fans. But this was the World Rally Championships.

Driving was dirty.

Talk was filthy, full of disrespect and unspoken trials of envy between each driver.

The press competed to see who would get your head on a pike first and parade it as the story of the century.

Respect was fought for, not earned.

It was a different game. One where you needed to play even if you didn't want to so in turn you wouldn't get played. Survival of the fittest truly.

You steeled your gaze, waving the reporters off and digging a hole through the crowd, successfully escaping away to your pit crew. Helping with packing up bits and pieces and taking your own stuff, you headed back to your team quarters, aware of the intensifying stares belonging to the rest of the teams still around their stations, talking about the first day in this season's calendar being an interesting one.

You had a feeling you and the team were the hot topic of conversation since you could feel their eyes searing deep holes into your back, burning hotter and doing more damage than flame-lit arrows aimed straight at you ever could. Tanaka wrapped an arm around you giving you his curled moustache smile, sympathizing with you.

Looking up at the sky darkening in mauve and pink, you let a small smile grace your lips. At least today was done. Your rally racing career has officially started. The team was back in business.

However, this first stage was just one of the many challenges still to come. Who knew what else was on the way?

As you trudged on the warm asphalt, warmed by the mid-spring warmth of March, there was one thing you knew for sure.

This is gonna be a long season.

Next

Thank you for reading :) As always leave a like, comment or reblog!

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

Hi Mara,

I wanted to say that all of your writing feels extremely genuine, and I am inspired by the honesty and detachment in your retrospective posts, especially when talking about personal—external—influences. I rarely hear others say that their interest in X is simply gone, or admit that they like(d) Y because the ‘context’ seemingly urged them to. A pattern I often notice instead is personal attachment and the unwillingness to let go of ideas and things which no longer resonate or never really have in the first place.

I wish it was easy to distill all of one’s experiences and likes, remember why and how they came to be, be honest as to how one felt about them, separate the wheat from the chaff, and arrive at something that feels truly genuine and ‘you’.

It feels reductive and probably comes with projection on my part, but that’s the impression I get.

Hope the storm didn’t affect you and your family too much.

Good morning, anonymous--thank you very much for such a kind message!

I wrote about this more vaguely in last months subscriber post, reflecting on "how nothing seemed to scare me" lately and how baffling it seemed that people thought Stephen King's Apt Pupil was a terrifying horror story, and incidentally had been thinking about this during the period of having power but having no internet after Hurricane Milton--I had all these videogames I tried to play but realized they all felt completely boring and uninteresting without something to listen (my favorite streamer, my favorite podcast) to while playing (and in turn, that I needed to be doing something somewhat stimulating while listening to something); I had all these anime shows I could be watching, too, but again little interest because they were all just dead boring--and all I could really manage for myself were to read Henry James and rediscover my old Longmont Potion Castle collection to listen to until internet came back;

but, I don't know how much the genuine 'you' matters; I think about something a sculpture professor told me about the hippies and an adage they had that went kill your parents, and the professor added that it was meant not (always) literally, but to disentangle yourself from 'the origin' or: maybe: the most sacred and profane feelings you see yourself as being a-part of;

realizing I basically have zero interest in being an artist might have been a big hurdle for me to disentangle from way-back in Wilderness when I had some ego-fear of losing my identity as Marabarl and what that entailed: divulging everything about myself, being self destructive, seeming crazy, and using it all as oil to art--severing that all seemed like it would drive me more lonely and leave me with nothing but some bare-dry stick of a person that'd few people would be interested in (but glimpsing at this idea also spoke to how 'being an artist' had little to do with my own desire and more to do with maintaining 'connection' with 'invisible others'). I don't know if killing my parent there had left me a more true version of myself, but it severed connections I mostly kept entwined by wholly out of fear of the loneliness or of letting go of a familiar rot and pain. I'm far more boring than the older Mara, because really now all I'd like to do is go to my weekly sandwich shop, cook, clean, read, listen to audiobooks, be monotonously religious, and try to write bad fiction that I never finish because I keep rewriting the same few parts for months at a time.

There's a quote from a book I finished a few days ago, For Thy Great Pain Have Mercy On My Little Pain, by Victoria Mackenzie, that I really loved:

"When the day begins, we say that it is breaking. So with my life. Part of me had to be taken into pieces before I could truly start to live. For in my shewings Jesus had said, 'I shall shatter you for your vain passions and your vicious pride; and after that I shall gather you together and make you humble and meek, pure and holy, be oneing you to me.'

My will was broken and I am glad of it. I am only a thing that moves this broom and sweeps the curled leaves and corpses of insects from one side of my cell to the other."

Each layer of myself, as it seems with age, starts to seem more-and-more to be a vanity that I hold to myself well-after it has separated and shed, out of fear and comfort for the more simple figure that is underneath--morosely, I start to really believe the purest part of my-self comes with death when all has been shed away wholly and the carcass is left as the most simple and un-connected atom of Me, and for others: when the Left are shred out to ash and the Right are ate up to heaven; tears and emotion for the dead, too, a type of vanity over wishing that lost other to not be gone from the identity yet though it is truly just another vain callous now shed and clung-to: Dieth and Daniela who I keep getting mad at in fear of letting go-of;

but even in more simple ways--remembering old loves towards things like Narutaru and not wanting to let go because of how fond and warm they felt just a few years ago, and keeping that old passion around like it were furniture that had gone decrepit past any real function except favor; although, during Hurricane Milton, again between time of Power but no Internet, I rewatched some of FLCL and .hack//sign and wished I could be rewatching Hey Arnold's scary episodes--cause really no-matter how much I think I'm capable of letting go of things that seem all vain, boring, and worthless to the simple self, I am a simple creature who wants comfort in the familiar and to things I've loved and felt loved by. And, luckily, I still love Boogiepop! (I think it's easier to keep a love for those things around because they don't really remind me of bad-times as Narutaru does, but I'd like to always keep an effort to keep Hiroko and cute little Ensof in my heart)

Take care.

[thesleepyfable]

i can't tell you how much i adore your still here au and your writing and everything you've done with it. i always drop EVERYTHING to read new chapters!!! also i love that the infected that were visibly affected by the shape haven't been "fixed"/turned back to their pre-infection appearance and are treated just as lovingly and respectfully by you as the characters that weren't changed by it physically

it makes me emotional in a very positive way that i can't really convey. the infected aren't treated as "lesser" or "gross" by you/the narrative for looking the way they do. idk it just really means a lot to me and i love how you handle it. you describe what they do and how they move and talk with such care and respect. it's never "eww gross he's reaching for that with a tendril" it's treating and presenting them as the individuals they are with dreams and histories and motivations of their own

Well, you did it. You made me cry.

Sounds silly, but I'm so happy my writing has genuinely made people interested and inspired me to keep going. It's something I never thought would get any attention because that's happened in the past on old blogs, so seeing the notes for each chapter still gives me whiplash, but in the best way. Definitely help me find my passion for writing again.

I've always loved the 'human in the monster' trope, where the turned are still themselves. It makes for interesting dynamics and gives them a new perspective on life. Also, the 'monster boyfriend trope' is S-Tier, and as a Muirinne shipper, this is a match made in heaven!

At the end of the day, the infected are still characters who have lives, history, and personalities. Addair is the hardest to write out of all the characters, but I'm determined to flesh him out with everyone else.

A part of me wants to write this AU similar to the Paddington films. Strange, but hear me out: No one cares that a bear dressed in a blue coat and red hat is walking around with a suitcase. No one should care about a bunch of infected men walking around, trying to live their lives.

Overall, thank you for this wonderful ask, and I hope you're ready for what's to come next!

[biconickyoshi]

Hi! The Zukaang prophecy dream person here. What you said about a lot of people not even considering Aang and Zuko as a ship made me think. Following that thought, I fell down a rabbit hole that turned into something a lot deeper than just shipping discourse. I'm not a professional psychologist or anything, but I hope some of my insight on this topic is interesting. I apologise in advance for so many words to read!

As a kid I remember being very clueless about romance. I never really interpreted Aang's affection towards Katara as romantic at all, and I honestly have no idea why, since they literally kissed on screen multiple times. So that's why, for years, I remember trying to find a ship that I would like, yet nothing seemed to click just right. That is until the Avatar Renaissance of 2020 when a lot of new people joined the fandom, and a flood of new discussions arose, way different than it used to be years ago. It made me realize that the core of the issue lies in Aang himself. At least that's my own theory, feel free to disagree. A lot of popular avatar ships include everyone from the main cast, but rarely ever Aang himself, apart from the canon Kataang. In all aspects, Aang is an unconventional protagonist, one unheard of at the time. He is a monk, he is a pacifist, he is a vegetarian. For an average kid or teenager in 2005, I don't think much of these aspects are too relatable. We were and still are used to seeing agressive, determined teenage protagonists, ready to beat up the bad guy at any opportunity. That's what was considered "cool". So a bald 12 year old boy with an arrow on his head who grew up in a temple, surrounded by monks, who avoids hurting people, even those who wiped out his entire nation, is simply foreign. You often hear arguments against Kataang: he is too young for her, she sees him as a little brother, they simply don't fit. Those are all false statements, as rewatching the show without bias you can clearly see them love each other deeply and mutually. Aang is a child, but he is a person too, someone with his own values and principles, and so is Katara. To me, both of them are deserving of love, Aang is deserving of Katara's love.

I am now going to talk about the genocide of the air nomads, as I think I can provide a unique perspective on this. I am Ukrainian. The russian invasion of my country has been going for 10 years now, but two years ago specifically my whole world turned upside down when russia launched a full scale invasion, intending to conquer all of Ukraine. A lot of my beliefs of how the world worked changed drastically. Seeing myself from years ago in people from around the world, not yet knowing war, I think this is something you have to experience yourself to truly understand what it means for another nation to want yours erased from existence. Aang's entire nation is gone. Everyone. No one is alive, not a single person. I don't think many people truly let that sink in. He has to keep going every day with the knowledge that the world he is in doesn't have a place for his nation anymore. He has nowhere to go and no one to come to. He has the gaang, and that's wonderful, but it's not the same. He is the only person in the entire world who truly bears this pain. To me, imagining that for myself, is an indescribable horror. To imagine having no place to come back to, living among strangers who know nothing of you and your people. Yes, he has the temples that preseve history, but how much of them has been destroyed? Even the people at the Northern air temple, although fleeing a disaster, still contributed to the destruction and loss of that history.

Yet, bearing this unimaginative hurt, Aang is able to forgive. He is able to make peace with his loss, and let go of his feelings of rage. He wants to see good in the Fire nation people. And through that, he is the only one who can truly see Zuko as he is. Having let go of anger and hurt, he can see the genuine wish Zuko has for atoning for his family's sins. He can literally see through him, all his feelings and thoughts, like no one else. He holds no grudge, no hatered for him. If you ever have a war, genocide unleashed on your country, you would know how impossible it is to forgive. Yet, Aang, as the avatar, has no choice but to do just that, to let go. I think that alone makes Aang one of the strongest people in the avatar universe.

But how is this relevant to the Aang ships being dismissed? Circling back, to me, this is a matter of understanding. People resonate with Katara for her experience as a younger sister, thrown into the role of a mother figure, for her experience as a teenage girl in a sexist world, someone with a desire to become stronger despite being denied that opportunity, be it by the circumstances or by someone stronger than her deeming her "unworthy". People resonate with Sokka for his struggle to become a reliable leader, for his insecurity being the only one without a special "talent" (aka bending). Toph for her sheltered upbringing and parents that are unwilling to see her as more than just her disability. Zuko for his struggle with his identity, his own values versus those forced upon him, an abusive household, repressed emotions and anger, being a sibling of someone way more naturally talented, coming to terms with the hurt he has caused and atoning for it. But what can people find in Aang that resonates with them? All of what Aang is, is grand and bigger than yourself. I relate to Aang as someone whose nation is being subjected to genocide, but is that a common experience? I'm sure that nowadays a lot more people came to appreciate Aang's character more, but as a child in the 2000s, would you really say you saw yourself in Aang as much as you saw yourself in Sokka, Katara, Toph or Zuko?

In conclusion, my theory is that, because of how unique Aang has been written, that prevents people from seeing him as someone they could imagine in a relationship with someone else. After all, how can you write about someone you don't share many life experiences with? How do you write them in love? How do you make someone so different from you come to life?

Anyway, thanks a lot for reading all of my brain vomit. Avatar is truly a goldmine for character analysis and study. Would really love to hear what you think!

I absolutely loved reading your analysis on Aang's character, anon. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you've brought up here. I think it's so true that many people (whether they're conscious of it or not) view Aang through a certain lens due to how unconventional of a protagonist and person he is. To many, he's not "supposed" to be the one who "gets the girl". He's not your stereotypical handsome/buff/rugged teenage boy protagonist; he's small, kind, goofy, and pacifistic. And I think in general that people find it difficult to wrap their heads around a male character like Aang not conforming to Western and/or patriarchal society's expectations/conventions when it comes to behavior and overall physical appearance. I think this also results in a lot of people unconsciously infantilizing Aang and having a hard time viewing him in a shippable way.

It's also interesting that you brought up Aang's almost "otherness" when it comes to the world he finds himself in when he awakens from the iceberg - he is the last one of his kind in a world where nobody remembers his people. He's from a culture that is vastly different from the ones that remain in the world. His philosophy, mannerisms, gender expression, appearance, etc. are all completely unique, not only canonically in the post-genocide AtLA world, but in our world as well, especially in the West.

The fact that despite everything Aang has been through, despite all the atrocities he has witnessed, he still is able to remain true to himself at his core through to the very end is so moving to me. Aang will always be my favorite character all time simply because of who he is. Even as a kid, I loved him so much - I never had a crush on Zuko or Sokka, it was always Aang. He represented not only the type of person I would want to be, but also the type of person I would want to be with. And sure, he's not perfect, but that's another one of the many things I love about him - he's human, he makes mistakes.

I feel like I could say more, but you already wrote so much good stuff in your analysis, and I'm not sure if there's much I could add haha.

Also, thank you for sharing your perspective as someone who lives in Ukraine - I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be dealing with all of Russia's BS the past decade, and especially recently. I sincerely hope you're staying safe and healthy! <3

[itlogricky]

𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐄𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇.

Itoshi Rin x Reader.

basically just angst.

You spent a lot of time trying to improve yourself so that Rin would find you great, but you eventually come to the conclusion that you have been good enough.

You strive to push yourself harder for Rin's sake, thinking that you're only deserving of his undivided attention if you're at your best. But despite your efforts and accomplishments, he seems unaware of your development.

"Just let me wave to you, not wave goodbye.. Let me stay by your side.."

you silently said. He doesn't answer, hes too busy focusing on his matches. You begin to wonder if Rin is even aware of your emotions because he rarely acknowledges them until he needs something from you. As long as your fears go unrestrained, your insecurity increases.

You make an effort to approach their romantic interests, but you always feel as like you are being yanked away, and your chances of success are fading.

Your constant effort to capture his attention makes you feel helpless and as like you're constantly in danger of losing his favor. You gradually get desperate as a result of his chilly and distant demeanor.

"Don't let me go back to darkness of blue."

The amount of work required to continually prove your worth to Rin makes you feel confined and overburdened. The more you attempt to keep up with him, the more you feel alone and depressed since he never appears to notice the suffering you're through.

You put all of your heart into trying to be good enough so that Rin will like you, but it seems like your efforts are in vain. You become even more alone and estranged from him as a result of this. The blue darkness begins to gradually envelop you as you continue to fail to be noticed and valued by him.

The idea that Rin would never genuinely see and love you begins to plague you as your anxieties take over. Despite all your efforts, you don't seem to be getting any closer to earning his affection.

you want nothing more, nothing more...your just..good enough.

You can't help but feel like you'll never be enough for Rin after so many unsuccessful efforts. Despite your best efforts, you constantly seem to fall short. You question whether it is really worthwhile to try any more when he is constantly so cold and aloof. You feel worthless and alone in the face of his indifference.

as he broke up with you, leaving you to darkness of blue, it felt like the dark sea filled with sadness.

As you give in to your anguish about losing Rin, the darkness envelops you. You begin to doubt yourself more and more as a result of wondering if you really were as useless as he constantly treated you.

If you can still recall, you were shifting position while reaching for,the place Rin and you are familiar with seems so far away. Where he'll encircle my heart with his arms. Additionally, keep you warm all night.

Rin's passion with winning at all costs dominates his thoughts. He is totally committed to his game, striving to be the best and avoiding distractions. His feelings are subdued, and he is just focused on winning. He can't or doesn't care if he hurts people since he is unaware of how his cold and distant demeanor affects those around him.

His heart is focused on a single objective, and nothing, not even you, can get in the way of that.

In the face of impossibly high standards and the need to live up to the expectations of the person you love, you tried to accept yourself for who you are. one of accepting oneself and accepting one's flaws, perhaps you're simply too...𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙚𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝.

A/N : its almost 3 am here and i'm still awake lol, this story is inspired by xdinary heroes by their song Good enough. Thank you for reading.

Tags!1!1!1! : @0rah-s

[theheirofthesharingan]

Hello,

As someone who’s recently delved into the anime community, I’ve noticed a profound connection many fans have with characters like Itachi and Sasuke. Their stories are undeniably tragic, and it’s clear they hold a special place in the hearts of many.

I’m curious about the depth of affection and empathy for these characters, considering they are fictional. What is it about their journeys that resonates so deeply with you? Is it not challenging to experience heartache over their struggles and sacrifices on a daily basis?

From my perspective, anime is a source of enjoyment and escapism. While I understand the impact of these characters, I wonder if focusing on their sorrow might overshadow the joy and adventure that new anime series can bring.

Itachi’s tale has concluded, and Sasuke’s safety is assured within the narrative. Wouldn’t exploring new stories potentially enrich our lives with diverse experiences and emotions?

I hope this question comes across as sincere and not dismissive of your feelings. I’m genuinely interested in understanding the emotional bonds fans create with these characters.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Any piece of media that explores emotions and emotional bonds between characters is likely to click with a lot of people and leave profound impact on them. I'm not into anime or TV in general either, so I haven't seen many shows except for a handful few I can count on the fingers of my one hand.

To me, personally, while both Itachi and Sasuke are special because they're well written, there's also a kind of relatablity factor.

Sasuke grew up being compared to Itachi, no matter how hard he tried he didn't get the acknowledgement he deserved, because his brother was considered better than him. Maybe Itachi was better than him in skills and knowledge, but Sasuke was a different person with a different personality who shouldn't have been compared with Itachi at all. I've been through the same. Being compared with my classmates, friends repeatedly no matter how hard I worked. It just wasn't enough for some reason. It poisons you from inside and leaves you feeling insecure with a lot of sell-esteem issues. We know Sasuke went through them.

It's the same with Itachi. Kids experience different versions of parents. Older kids meet more immature and flawed versions of their moms and dads. The mistakes parents made with them aren't repeated with the second and third-borns. That doesn't mean it doesn't damage the older children who didn't ask to be born and bear the brunt of their parents' traumas. They're older so no they're expected to take the burdens and the responsibility. They kind of become mother and father to their younger siblings but more tender ones.

That's how Itachi and Sasuke's relationship before the massacre was as well as Itachi's relationship with his parents. I find this very relatable. The way he's not allowed to voice his opinions yet he cares about his brother. His ideals aren't really considered relevant, and his feelings don't matter to any adult in his life. That is so, so, so relatable to me. I learned a lot about my relationship with my parents when I watched and analyzed Itachi's with his parents. I learned to forgive my own parents after that. This is getting a little personal, but yeah, it happened. I don't feel as angry and bitter with them as I did before I watched Naruto last year.

Other than that, there are people who watched Naruto and also other anime, and they love these two along with the characters from other anime. I'm just not all that interested in it even though, yes, more stories would mean more entertainment. But I'm not someone who moves on easily from things and people.

Plus, I like the 'flavour' of angst some characters provide. It's hard to explain in the words, but it's like seeing colours. And it doesn't happen with every character I read about or watch. With Itachi, I 'see' red colour, and yes, it's the colour of his susano'o as well, but I'd had this feeling about him before it was introduced. It's like his aura that has some kind of purity to it. It doesn't have anything to do with his morals or how I perceive them, but something else. With Sasuke, it was bluish-purple. Again similar to his susano'o, but I'd had this 'vision' about his aura from the beginning. A character from a show in my country made me think of transparent snowflakes - pure and unblemished, and when his character was ruined, I started to see the 'muddied static' and I lost the connect with him. It never happened with Itachi or Sasuke. I love them both so much.

And I don't think I'm missing out on anything by not watching other anime. They might have other well-written characters that I might fall in love with too, but I love what Sasuke and Itachi make me feel. They're my comfort characters and they're therapeutic to me too, and they both feel very personal to me. Their pain made me feel less lonely. I don't really have friends irl (not the ones I can talk to when I feel alone), okay, this is getting even more personal but yeah so I spend my time either reading or writing. And it's also probably because if you've been depressed for too long, this kind of pain becomes addictive. So I need something to latch on to because I don't want to go to therapy.

This whole answer probably hasn't made any sense, because I don't know.. I tried my best, I swear.

[boyrobott]

(i know you're on break rn so don't feel pressured to reply ) but the video essay is officially on youtube worldwide!! I had to fight with copyright for a week to get it up lol, but its here! 90 minutes of unhinged rambling about this movie. (GhostyQuartz on youtube, I don't think your asks allow links lol)

it's great to hear from you again! and if it helps you feel any better about messaging me while i'm on hiatus, i pretty much never log onto social media when i'm on a break, so i didn't even see this message until a couple days ago when i had some downtime. but i immediately went and watched your video essay right away as soon as i had the chance! i'm going to drop a comment on the video itself at some point, but i also don't want to clutter up your comment section too much, so i'm going to post the majority of my thoughts here instead.

for interested followers, here's the video in question.

"make america metro city great again" is living in my head rent-free from now on. it'll be here for exactly forever.

"you won't grow??? get sold to the circus, idiot" 😭😭😭

referring to elefun as tenma's "definitely not gay lover" ITS TRUE BUT YOU SHOULDNT SAY IT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTING THEM LIKE THIS. THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR PRIVACY. WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM.

i literally never noticed nor considered the symbolism of astro being suspended by wires, breaking free of those wires in the first moments of existence, and becoming so much more than the puppet tenma wants him to be. that literally got me right in the chest. i never thought about that before. thank you. i will be thinking about it for exactly forever now.

your notes about tenma's relationship with both his sons being largely transactional in their own ways (tobio gets good grades, tenma "rewards" him with love & affection / astro behaves like tobio, tenma "rewards" him with love & affection / astro fails to behave like tobio, tenma shuns him, withdraws from him, and rejects him) and how that bleeds over into astro's dynamic with everyone else in the movie, particularly hamegg, and colors his actions during his stay in the orphanage, is actually something i've thought about a lot. so it was really cool to hear somebody else drew the exact same conclusion. still got me right in the chest though.

re: why do robots have their own language, separate from the humans, in the 2009 universe?? i'm actually writing a fic about that!! i originally intended for it to fill one of the astro boy 2024 fanweek prompts, but then i got a better idea and this one went on the back burner. but it'll definitely get written & posted someday!

your analysis of the tension in astro's posture whenever tenma is in the room made me so sad for real. the fact that astro is so visibly uncomfortable and nervous around his own father will never not break my heart. poor kid deserves so much better.

ZANE IS BESTIE GOALS!!!!! this is real!!! this is true!!! this is canon!!! sometimes i feel like i'm the only true zane stan in the fandom, so it's always so great to encounter other people who also notice what a good friend he is to astro. their dynamic is usually ignored or overlooked in favor of astro & cora (which is understandable, considering their parallel backstories) but i really love them. zane is so ride-or-die for astro it's UNREAL. i've played around with the concept of zane faking his illiteracy so astro can reveal his secret on his own terms, too, and that was actually my automatic assumption when i watched the movie for the first time -- zane was just pretending for astro's sake -- but then the joke came back a couple times later on, and i don't know if zane has the patience and dedication to commit to the bit for that long, lmao. nonetheless, i've been considering a post-canon fic where zane accidentally reveals he does know how to read, and astro is so genuinely stunned lol

the surface was SO criminally underutilized. thank you for noticing. kissing you on the mouth. in my opinion, it was a far more interesting location than metro city, and i would've loved a more thorough exploration of it before he goes back home. i'd love the opportunity to write a post-canon fic one day where astro stays on the surface for several years at a time, slowly helping the surface-dwellers bring the earth back to life. elefun did say the blue core had the power to do that, and i just think it'd be really cool if his prediction came true not because of the energy within the core being "properly harnessed", as he says, but because the robot who's powered by it cares enough about humanity to devote himself to planetary restoration efforts all across the globe.

did not realize cora was canonically seventeen. i dont like that. i dont like that at all. i'm rejecting that full stop. she's like twelve or thirteen now because i said so. (i know she's pretty tall in comparison to the boys, which would suggest she's older, but i always assumed that was because girls tend to hit puberty first and reach their adult height by fourteen or fifteen, with maybe another inch or two before they hit adulthood. so i figured that was what happened with her. plus, astro & zane aren't really that tall. astro is canonically under five feet, and zane is only about four inches taller than him, give or take a bit. even if we assume astro is 4'11 (he's not lmao he's closer to 4'5 or 4'6 i think) that would only put zane at about 5'4.) and now you've got me wondering whether astro is canonically thirteen or not, because i always assumed he was younger, too, and everyone just jumped on what that security guard in the ministry says to tobio ("you're what, thirteen?") as a canon confirmation of his age. but you know what, it doesn't matter what his canon age is, because i won't accept it, anyway. he's ten or eleven to me. no way he's any older than that. he's too baby-coded <3

you want a copy of the 2009 novelization?? i gotchu. give me a little while to get it together and find a site to put it on (i know internet archive hosts rare books, but i dont know shit about it beyond that i just use it to read out-of-print stuff from decades past lmao so there WILL be a learning curve). i also have the 2009 graphic novel AND the Underground comic series. hmu if you want any of that too

"hamegg should have found out astro was tenma's son and hurt him as a way to get back at tenma" NO NO BUT I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WRITING A FIC ABOUT THIS?????? I'VE BEEN WRITING A FIC ABOUT THIS FOR REAL???? I'VE HAD THIS EXACT IDEA IN MY HEAD SINCE 2021???? WHAT THE HELL AND FUCK!!!!!!!

that moment where you stopped to count up all the times astro died in the movie literally sent me into fucking orbit for real. i saved the picture to my computer because i want to be able to look at "death #3 (kind of)" whenever i want

speaking of memes i'm honored my "do it for him" one got featured in your video 😭😭😭

THE EYE CONTACT DURING THE SCENE WHERE TENMA DEACTIVATES ASTRO. YOU GET IT. YOU ABSOLUTELY GET IT. YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GET IT. ALL THE UNSPOKEN THINGS BETWEEN THEM HANGING SO HEAVY IN THE AIR IT'S ALMOST PALPABLE. THE REGRET AND REMORSE AND GRIEF AND DESPERATE HOPE ON BOTH SIDES. TENMA'S EFFORTS TO FIND TOBIO IN ASTRO. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER THEY ARE NOT CAPABLE OF BEING WHAT THE OTHER WANTS OR NEEDS. I'M LEGIT CHEWING DRYWALL RN.

your absolute roast of tenma's redesign was so good lmao. "you can tell he hasn't had a good night's sleep in 3 decades" took me OUT. they really yanked his dilf card away and didnt give it back until pluto 😭

you really hit the nail on the head when you said hamegg's presence on the surface combined with stone's presence in metro city means astro isn't safe anywhere. one of my favorite things about the movie is how there is nowhere astro can go to escape the humans' cruelty. he can't even find basic safety and security, let alone home and family. it really drives home the hardship he's living through, and underscores the inherent tragedy of his existence. i'm absolutely fine.

i'm really surprised to hear you disliked astro's statements regarding his "destiny", since that was something i personally enjoyed a great deal! the way i've always interpreted is not that astro genuinely, wholeheartedly believes in fate so much as he has to believe in it to maintain his sense of hope and optimism. he has to believe that he has a greater purpose beyond a failed experiment and an imperfect copy of his father's real son, he has to believe he exists for a good reason, because otherwise, he'll have to face the fact that he's nothing more than a mistake tenma made in the darkest depths of his grief and denial. if he admits there's no such thing as destiny, he admits that he has no purpose and no place in the world. if he admits there's no such thing as destiny, he admits that he shouldn't even be alive. when he says it's his destiny to die at tenma's hands in the ministry, and when he says it's his destiny to die fighting the peacekeeper, that's actually an extremely realistic and heartbreakingly human response to his very distressing, very traumatic, and horrendously unfair circumstances. at the end of the day, he's really nothing more than a young boy who's just had his whole world ripped away from him, and he's struggling to make sense of this new reality he's found himself in. the horror of his situation is simply too cruel for him to accept fully, so he dresses it up as destiny. that's always been fascinating and heart-wrenching to me in equal measure. but i understand it's not for everyone, and to each their own 🤷

thank you again for linking me to the video! it was so much fun and so enjoyable for a die-hard 2009 fan such as myself. i'd be interested in hearing your thoughts if / when you complete your watch of the 2003 series, though i understand videos of that length require a lot of time and commitment, so i absolutely don't expect to see anything like that, lol. i hope you're having a wonderful day, and that you have a lovely holiday season if you celebrate anything around this time of year!

[snkts]

I'm thinking about how every Howlett's 'auxiliary' mutation is so telling of their personality. I'm not talking about claw formation, that's a different thing I haven't thought about. I'm not talking about the hot claws, either, because those are powers Logan acquired, he wasn't born with them - and the adamantium isn't a mutation.

So I'm only going to talk about the 616 relations, since I know those ones best, but I love when you guys chime in with your own headcanons so add in other kids in the replies ❤️

When it comes to Canon Snikts, we have John Jr, Logan's older brother (maybe half brother, unconfirmed); Logan himself; Akihiro, Logan's son; Laura, Logan's daughter; and Gabby, Logan's daughter who is also his daughter's clone. (There's also the rest of Gabby's sisters, but we don't have a lot of Intel on them.)

John Jr. was technically killed before Logan/James ever got to meet him in 616, but going by his multiverse adult appearance, he had the claws, the healing factor, and the power to turn both intangible and invisible. This fits his story really well, because whether it's the multiverse story where he was shipped off to an asylum and essentially forgotten, or the canon story where he died before his little brother knew him, John gets erased. He's completely forgotten. He disappears.

Logan has two powers he was born with, aside from his claws and factor. He has the famous berserker rage, and the lesser known connection with animals. When Logan rages, he doesn't lose his strategic thinking - he just loses his inhibitions, going after anything that moves with 100% intensity, ignoring pain, and becoming a killing machine. Everyone knows that one. The one some people forget is how he can connect with animals on an empathic level - he can understand and get them to understand his emotions and basic wants and intentions. It's partly how he was able to live with so many wolf packs over the years. And this dichotomy makes me think of this quote I read once, when I read a psychologist breaking down Logan and PTSD - I don't remember the exact wording, but they were talking about how the anger was the trauma, and the kindness was the person under it. And I think that's a really good way of thinking of it. James wasn't a fighter. He was a sweet, almost shy little boy who liked art and playing with his friends and his dad. The first time we see him rage is when his father is killed and Thomas and Dog are trying to take Elizabeth and Rose away - aka the first major trauma he experiences. Logan's berserker/empathy is a great show of the dichotomy that is his personality; you've got the jaded, cynical, aggressive soldier who charges head first into every fight, but you also have the warm-hearted conscious of the team who fusses over all the kids, comforts his friends through their trauma, and once felt bad about fighting a bear that was trying to kill him because he knew the bear had been conditioned to hate humans. Logan is both of those things, so he has both of those powers.

Then we have his kids. Daken/Akihiro spent a good chunk of his life without any genuine love, used and abused by Romulus to make him a weapon to use against Logan. Any approval or affection was as false as it was fleeting, and he became a ruthless manipulator - especially during his time in Madripoor. Daken's 'extra' power is manipulating other peoples' emotions through pheromones. This is also interesting, because learning to predict and work around other people's emotions is a common habit in abuse victims.

Then there's Laura. The next Wolverine and the only other one to have truly gone through the Weapon X program - she inherited his trauma, and so she inherited the berserker rage. Laura is his legacy and his mini me. She's on the same path Logan went on long before her, learning how to be a person instead of just a weapon.

And her clone - the youngest of the three - Gabby. The one who feels like she isn't a real Wolverine. She's the only one of her siblings who hadn't killed anyone (at least in the first issue(s) with her in it), even though she's great in a fight; her sisters sheltered her from it. She's the one of all of them who smiles most, who seems to enjoy life - she's the emotional glue that holds the family together and lifts their spirits. She makes them happy. While they haven't confirmed anything, I think her relationship with Jonathan hints that she got Logan's animal affinity. Laura inherited his rage, Gabby inherited his kindness.

Anyway I love the snikt family if you can't tell

[miupow]

I'm asking this question to several authors I admire, so if it seems a little random, feel free to blame my overthinking brain.

I frequently read fanfics about hybrids and honestly, I really enjoy them. However, I often find myself with little context about many aspects of the hybrid universe, so I’d love to know your perspective on it.

For example:

• How do you imagine the origin of hybrids in your universe? Are they a natural evolution, a genetic mutation, or a scientific creation?

Additionally, I have a few more questions I'd like to ask:

• How do the government and society treat hybrids in your universe? Do they have the same rights as humans, or do they face discrimination in any way?

• How do you envision interactions between hybrids of different species? Would there be rivalries, alliances, or specific ways of coexisting?

• If there’s adoption of hybrids by humans in your universe, how does that process work?

• How do you approach the topic of heat and hybrid reproduction in your universe? Do they follow similar patterns to real animals or do they have their own biological rules?

• How do you imagine the hybrid nature (half-human, half-animal) would affect their emotions and psychology?

I’m sorry if this seems like a lot or a completely off-topic question (because I know it kind of is), but I’m genuinely curious since no one seems to talk about these aspects in depth.

Regardless of your answer, thank you for your time and patience! Have a great day 🤘🏻😁💖

(If you see this same message sent to another author, don’t worry—I love you all equally!)

hii anon !!!! this is such an interesting question,, with hybrid aus i don't tend to overthink it a lot like i do with other aus, so i had to think for a bit to answer this lol

for my writing, hybrids are a naturally evolved subspecies of humans ! some live wild and others have been domesticated and live as pets <3

hybrids would be seen as pets by the gov't i think, and i imagine they would face a lot of discrimination if they tried to live as a human. hybrids r seen more as animals than humans.

i imagine hybrids would get along with hybrids based a lot on their respective animal halves... like hybrids of any kind can be friends or enemies but theres natural gravitation iykwim. like cats dont like dogs, bunnies are afraid of foxes, etc.

i like to follow the heat/breeding cycles of the actual animal they r a hybrid of ^^ i love zoology so it's an excuse for me to be a nerd lol. but ofc theres aspects that r just added for spice and fun >< hybrids can only have babies w hybrids of the same species but that doesn't stop them when they're horny lmao

for me, hybrids are more animal than human, if that makes sense. ofc they have human sentience and emotions and thought processes but they would be heavily influenced by animal instinct in most if not all aspects of their life.

hope these answers r up to what you wanted >< thank u for sending this ask in n making me think lol

[riderofthemist]

It is okay if I vent a little about my Covid experience so far?

Some years ago, I was getting worried that I was becoming too anti-social, mostly sitting at home, rarely meeting with the few friends I have, not participating in any local gatherings or other in-person social events. And I have never been in any romantic relationship, despite wanting it very much. Chatting with people online is one thing, but I keep reading about how important it is to have real-life, in-person friends too. So I decided that I was finally going to do something about it. I was going to join local hobby groups that interested me, I was going to visit conventions, maybe I would even try going out to concerts and clubs, and actively pursuing dating. There's a part of me that's always pushing against these things, trying to come up with excuses for staying home instead. But I was determined to ignore those excuses, to make a genuine effort to become more social.

Then the pandemic began. And suddenly, my anti-social aspect had the perfect excuse, that I couldn't argue against. So I thought "damn, well, I guess I can wait, this will probably be over in a few months, or maybe a year?"

But it's not over, is it? It's never going to be over.

And by now, I'm getting desperate. I feel like I have to take *some* risks if I'm not going to end up completely isolated, if I don't want to just sit at my computer, reading social media, going to bed and fall asleep while worrying about dying alone.

At the back of my mind, I'm thinking that even if I'm vaccinated, and I wear a mask, and I'm constantly staying on high alert, counting how many people are in a room, always staying at a distance, always washing my hands, never eating or drinking until I'm completely alone... It's not enough. Nor precaution other than staying home by myself is 100% safe. Especially not when I'm the only person who is wearing a mask (and I'm definitely too socialy anxious to ask anyone else to wear one). As far as I know, there are no "mask blocs" or other serious efforts to create Covid-safe social gatherings where I live, and I don't feel like I have the time, energy or skills to do it myself.

So now, whenever I happen to be in place with any number of other people (even if it's just me and one other person, even if I'm wearing a mask), there's a buzzing feeling at the back of my skull, a mixture of fear and shame. "I'm going be infected, or I'm going to infect other people." "Since you can have Covid without any symptoms, I have to assume that I and everyone else are infected at all times." "I should have just stayed at home, this isn't worth it."

(Also, I should probably try to stop reading people posting angry rants about how the world is full of ableist, eugenicist plague rats who are responsible for the deaths of millions, etc. etc. I know that they're just expressing totally legitimate anger and frustration, possibly engaging in a bit of hyperbole, and that I shouldn't take it personally... But I can't deny that it's probably affecting me on a subconscious level, contributing to the miserable feeling I get whenever I go outside, masked or not.)

Hi, it is okay. ^^ Let me tell you something : when you are around people, you are the safest person they could be around. You are doing your part. It is a big part, and an efficient part. If they catch Covid, it won't be your fault. I don't know if you expect an answer to it or just wanted to vent so I'll give one and if you don't care you can just skip it. ^^ I understand what you're going through very much as I currently go through the same thing. If there isn't a network of Covid Conscious people around you, maybe you can do your own thing. When you see someone wearing a mask you can get in touch with them. If talking to them directly is too hard (which I understand) you can give them a note and... run away, waiting for them to contact you. They probably are as eager as you to meet Covid conscious people. There is something else I love, it's associations that gather old people. But it's kind of a special type of socialization. However, most of the time they wear a mask or are happy that you wear one.

As for the "buzzing feeling at the back of your skull"... I wear headphones most of the time to silence them. Or I try to think about it that way : I can't be a 100% safe about anything but it's okay. I'm doing all I can to protect myself from Covid, so I just need to relax. It is working, I need to trust my safety measures. Yes, people around me are not wearing a mask, but I do, and until then, I've never caught Covid so it is working. Be safe.

[unhappy-last-resort]

thoughts on latest cn chapter? If you read the translations

Because it's WILD

Okay, so I do try to avoid a lot of stuff on the CN story, unfortunately, I have been made to see some of it anyway and I've been wanting to talk about the way EN players have been acting for a hot minute.

Spoilers ahead, if you don't wanna know, don't read. I'm also forgoing my usual hand written note for this because I have too much to say

Before I start, if I have gotten something about the game story wrong, please don't tell me or be kind enough to hide it under a keep reading divider, I really do not want to know more about the story than I already do. This is the second time I have been spoiled about something I really wanted to experience first hand, thank you.

First of all, I do not understand the freak out about the kiss. Lucia has always been romantically interested in the Commandant, her Affection story in Plume is basically her working up to asking you out on a date, it has been well known and established that this woman loves you, this isn't coming out of left field and the people who are complaining it's destroying her character are people who likely didn't pay attention to it in the first place.

Secondly, the way people are acting like two fem characters confessing suddenly makes all their headcanons invalid, or is going to stop the masc characters from having a chance...ridiculous. It's literally implied that Camu was going to kiss you, if not more, in his affection story and if he wasn't interrupted. He's also not the only masc character to be implied to have feelings towards the Commandant and they all still have those romantic tones in their past, current, and future events (and in some coating descriptions too).

Calm down please and go write/draw your Commandant having hot gay sex instead, what happens in the game has as much affect on your daydreams as you want it to.

Thirdly. The complaining about the writing suddenly being bad.

Do you think the CN players would also not be complaining about it? I've been in a few gacha communities and this attitude of acting like the CN playerbase is too stupid to know what a good game looks like is racist.

Yes, they're from a different culture from you, but we're here to play a video game. Do you think they don't like the game for the same reasons you do? Do you think they can't tell when something is poorly made, or poorly written in a game that has been flourishing for months?

If the story was genuinely badly written, I think we would see a lot more of the CN playerbase complaining, but what I've seen instead are people being moved by it.

Aside from that, stories in live service games don't usually become "suddenly" bad, there are generally signs beforehand and you'll notice it starts to taper off before it hits rock bottom. If it was bad, then there should have been some complaints about it dating several months prior to now.

Lastly, and most importantly. We don't have the full story yet. I just heard the rest of the story, or at least the second half, just became available for CN players. Why are we spending so much time crying about a story that isn't finished and that we can't even read for ourselves yet? We're only getting little snippets of the story and we're already making judgements while not having context and you would be surprised how much having the context and being able to follow the events of a story by yourself instead of hearing about it from someone else changes how you view it.

I highly doubt that they're going to leave so many drastic changes, or deaths, of characters and not explore them. I doubt they're actually throwing these characters away, let's wait and see where this goes because they're clearly gearing up for something big.

Tl;dr relax, go enjoy the stuff that's on global instead of freaking out about stuff that's ten months away, if the story or game actually does go downhill, you won't be the only player in the world who will be upset and Kuro is known for taking feedback, we can deal with it when it comes up.

[sonicattos]

Ok I apologize for how long this is but I read your post about npd and I have some thoughts I want to share. First, yeah that screenshot is gross and ableist. With ya on that. Making fun of someone for having a disorder is wrong, full stop. Also, I agree that it's wrong to call someone narcissistic just because they're abusive. Not all abusers are narcissists and vice versa.

HOWEVER. Many of the symptoms of clinical narcissism relate to how people interact with others. And the reason they are regarded as "symptoms" is because truly narcissistic folks relate to others in an abusive way. If people with narcissism did not typically display abusive and/or manipulative behavior they would have nothing to be diagnosed with.

I'm a victim of abuse by a narcissistic person. (Notice I don't say they have NPD. I'm not "armchair diagnosing for sympathy" here.) That person was not simply abusive for no reason. They were abusive BECAUSE they had narcissistic traits such as having little regard for others. I genuinely fail to see how saying this would be hateful or ableist. I can tell that you feel very passionate about this, but as someone who has been on the receiving end of abuse by a narcissistic person, I feel that your post is implying that this kind of abuse doesn't exist, or worse, that people who say they have suffered it are making it up. I know there are a LOT of people who throw around the term narcissist and don't know what they're talking about. But there are also people who truly have been abused by narcissists. And they're not lying for attention.

Don't feel pressured to respond and I apologize for the wall of text. I just have strong feelings about the subject and wanted to share.

1) please don’t take words from my mouth. i never. EVER. said that the abused are making up being abused. i come from a very abusive household that i STILL live in. my mom and my sister used to fucking beat me. i was starved. i was denied any medical help for illness. im isolated. i was groomed into believing that i was more mature than i was and wasn’t treated with the care a child could have. i was and still am constantly told how useless i am and how my mental/physical issues are my fault. my parents never cared and only did things that benefit themselves. i would never deny that someone could hurt someone and i never had. jesus fucking christ.

2) i study psychology. i know i can’t just prove that by saying it but you have to take my word for it i genuinely look deep into this stuff, as it’s a special interest of mine. you come from a place of ignorance of the situation as a whole. never call someone with “narcissistic traits” (aka abusive traits) a narcissist. it’s a medical term. again. call it what it is: abuse. there are other ways to describe that abuse than labeling it as such. narcissism is supposed to be a neutral term to describe traits of npd, not how someone is acting.

3) no. you don’t have to be abusive to be diagnosed with npd. there are many symptoms and tendencies that come with the disorder and it’s also a spectrum just like any other disorder.

npd describes a disorder of someone who has an inflated self-importance. besides putting others down to lift themselves up, they can also try to lift themselves up in a way that’s unrealistic or may seem “prideful”, try getting other’s attention by doing something good or dramatic. narcissism comes from a place of abuse from their elders, either emotional neglect or lack of teaching of responsibility. it affects those who lack empathy or even other mental illness’, which again, doesn’t mean you are an abuser or a bad person.

how would they get diagnosed? perhaps they’re hurting themselves. maybe they have constant breakdowns for not getting attention. etc. a dramatic event of abuse doesn’t have to happen for a psychologist to figure out someone has npd.

4) the entire point of the post is to tell fucking people to stop using a word that they learned on the internet and didn’t look up what it meant maybe besides the fucking saneist articles vilifying narcissistic people instead of educating one what the disorder actually is.

people with npd deserve sympathy as much as any other person. they deserve help and awareness as well. narcissism isn’t a word to pass around like table salt. it’s a real thing that people suffer with. they’re hurt. they believe if they don’t do something that they’re not worth anything. yes a lot of them become abusers because people who are abusive have most likely been abused. but not every person who’s been abused is abusive.

[powderrblue]

Please explain all the genloss characters to me

All I know is the stuff from the live I haven’t kept up with anything else

oh boy you're gonna have a TIME reading this one brother i'm gonna spend hours typing out the insane stuff the randy collective has come up with

okay so the insaneification of genloss started with sneeg. FANON IS WRONG ABOUT HIM HE IS WRONG IN EVERY FIC THE MASSES DO NOT UNDERSTAND HIM . so basically to be true to the canon sneeg mutual started actually talking about the trauma he would have and how genuinely fucked up he would be and that's how the randy collective started. anyways i touched on the whole being raised by showfall thing which ties into kids theory. charlie and sneeg would have been so so so codependent and toxic and they love each other and they're all over each other like animals but they'll also fight to the fucking death because showfall can just revive them. (there's a creature au as well that is very cool but i'll talk about that later if i remember.) frank was sneeg's boyfriend and he got permakilled for it and i will come back to this (but also. side note. yellow is frank's color. that's the color of the number code ran chose to put into the computer. maybe this doesn't mean anything but i think the yellow connecting to frank and the fact that he was dead was foreshadowing but take that as you will. moving on)

generation loss charlie. everyone talks about him. everyone loves charlie. they don't care about sneeg. charlie knows this and he will use it against sneeg any way he can. he's the favourite and he flaunts that at sneeg and knows showfall would kill sneeg if he said the word. at the same time sneeg knows this and he would be so fucking jealous of that. he would kill charlie for it. he'd regret it but that wouldn't stop him. it's the cain and abel symbolism and it could be explained so much better but i really really love this point so i had to mention it.

another thing about charlie being the favorite. charlie genuinely doesn't have anyone without sneeg. so when frank comes along and starts talking to sneeg and basically taking his brother away from him he gets jealous of that. there's multiple endings to this one but it was an interesting point.

last thing about charlie for now the charlie mutual made headcanons for transfem/transmasc charlie separately and they are so cool. i can't remember who had the idea of aroace charlie but we love that too. we spin him in the washing machine

i have my own version of ran as well. in all my post escape aus they use hearing aids and prosthetic eyes from where the box messed up their face. (SHOWFALL EMPLOYEE AUS GO SO FUCKING HARD WITH THIS ONE. TO ME. i literally cannot forget to talk about this later.) but yeah that's my basic design idea and the headcanons for this guy are crazy. one of my favorites is the one that sneeg and charlie were literally on top of each other all the time being brothers so ranboo adopted that kind of show of affection post escape. they're fucked up brothers your honor

hETCH IS NOT THE VILLAIN. HE IS A VICTIM TOO. the popular headcanon is that he's also gay for the founder and sometimes we like to think about how it would be funny if the founder were gay for him too but honestly hetch is most likely just their emotional support wet cat. but yeah charlie mutual started making headcanons about charlie and hetch being blood brothers and i was never able to erase that from my memory /vvpos . i love thinking about that dynamic too for so so many reasons. hetch staying with charlie and sneeg and basically raising them and there's just so much in there that i can't even get into yet because i haven't explained the employees BUT I WILL I PROMISE

niki is such a fucking fun one to think about too. i don't have much on her because she's actually characterized decently well from what i've seen but @/white-collar-cannibal has an au where she cuts off her hair and just. the butch niki headcanons. it's such a cool concept. because we've discussed her too and as popular hcs go niki was brought in as a teenager. i think we said 14-15 (but don't quote me on that i could be wrong). but the basic idea is showfall made her be pretty and she wants to be like sneeg. she wants to fight and be able to stomach stuff like all the gruesome stuff showfall fed sneeg and charlie as kids and ough. it's just so cool to think about i love her character

I'M GONNA REBLOG WITH STUFF ABOUT THE OC SHOWFALL EMPLOYEES (AND ANYTHING ELSE MAJOR I MISSED SO FAR) BUT I'VE BEEN TYPING FOR SO LONG AND THIS PROBABLY MAKES ZERO SENSE THE WAY I WORDED HALF OF THIS SO .

EDIT: tumblr notifs ate it but @/white-collar-cannibal actually came up with the transfem charlie hcs! my bad on that one i don't remember who does what sometimes!!