#and i'm crying for my younger self who pushed everyone and everything good away

[art-creature]

acrylic in sketchbook

[teresovery]

When Bruce got his son safely back home,, Jason decided NOT to be Robin again. He wanted to help a different way, and Bruce agreed, saying a small thanks to the universe. At 16, Jason became the Wayne family liaison to the Wayne Foundation. It was frustrating at first, because he wanted to do so much.

One Sunday when the Kents were over, Jason mentioned that to Clark.

"I can hear nearly every one the globe, Jason. I hear cries for help constantly. I want to help everyone, but I know I can't. But I know if I don't focus, I'll end up helping no one."

"So I just need to focus my efforts?"

"Exactly."

Jason smiled. "Thanks, Uncle Clark."

So Jason narrowed his focus to two areas that were important to him - literacy and helping children of parents with addiction. Bruce was incredibly proud of him, and everyone he came across knew it.

Since Jason was alive and very well, Batman never started going dark side like he did in the comics, but this meant Tim didn't step in.

Yet.

One night, about a year later, Bruce got shot several times. He had a bullet in his chest, two in his right calf, and one in his abdomen. Tim hurriedly climbed down from the roof he was hiding on and went to the fallen hero. Calling 911 could go badly if they removed Batman's cowl, so he hacked into his dad's phone account and found the main number for Wayne Manor.

Alfred was out for the evening, so Jason answered. "Wayne Manor."

"Um, hi. Is this Jason?"

"Yeah, who's this?"

"Bruce is hurt." Tim didn't want to give any information over the phone.

"Who the hell is this?"

"It's Tim Drake. I'm your neighbor. We actually met last week at the Christmas gala."

Jason didn't say anything for a few seconds.

"Ok, we're on a secure line. What happened?"

Tim told him what happened and gave him a rundown of Bruce's injuries. Jason told him what to do as he ran down to the Cave and cobbled together a suit to go out in. He'd had a growth spurt since his Robin days, so his old suit would never work. He hopped in the backup Batmobile and raced to Tim's and Bruce's location.

They got Bruce in the Batmobile, and Jason set it to do a bioscan.

"Can you drive, Tim?"

"I'm only 15, but I know how."

"Good enough. I need you to drive Bruce's car back."

"You...you want me to DRIVE THE BATMOBILE?"

"The self-drive is down, and everyone else is out of Gotham right now. Just take it slow and follow the instructions on the display." Jason opened up Bruce's car and leaned in. He punched a few buttons. "You're all set. I need to get Bruce back. You can do this."

With that, Jason was off. Tim wanted to cry, but Batman and Robin, well, former Robin, were counting on him. He pushed down the excitement and fear and did as Jason told him. He was a little confused when he passed both his home and Wayne Manor and saw the waterfall coming up with no other road around, but he followed the car's instructions and was safely in the Batcave a moment later.

Jason already had Bruce on a cot in the medical area and had cut away his suit. He was cleaning up the areas to prepare to remove the bullets when Tim came over.

"Told you you could drive the car. How are you with blood?"

For the second time that night, Tim pushed away his fear and did what needed to be done.

A few hours later, Bruce woke up and saw Jason and a younger boy (was that the Drake kid?) leaning up against each other, asleep on the floor.

"Jason?"

Jason woke, gently placed Tim on a second cot, and went to his dad's side.

"How are you feeling?"

"Why is there an underage civilian in the BatCave?"

Jason sighed. "Right to the report. You must be fine."

"Jason..."

"That underage civilian already knew everything. And he saved your life. He's smart, courageous, kind, and understands about duty. He's already good at crawling around and hiding on Gotham's rooftops at night. So good, that in the five years he's been doing it, we never knew."

"What are you really saying, Jason?"

"You need a partner."

"Hmmrn."

"Don't hmmrn me, old man. I get it. You don't want to lose another partner, but guess what? I don't want to lose another parent!"

At the raised voices, Tim woke up.

"Jason? Mr. Wayne?"

"Hey Tim, what are your thoughts on being Robin?"

"Jason, no."

"You need a Robin, B. Tim's shown me in one night that he has what it takes."

Tim couldn't believe his ears. "I'll train hard, Mr. Wayne. I promise. I'll do everything you tell me."

(Author's note- because Robins always do what Batman tells them, lol!)

Two weeks later, Tim started training with Jason. Jason didn't go easy on him at all, yet Tim rose to every challenge. Even when he failed, he always got back up again. Four months later, he started training with Bruce.

Eight months after that, Jason and Alfred stood at the entrance to the Cave watching Tim and Bruce ride out for the first time together.

"The Dynamic Duo is back, Master Jason."

"And better than ever."

Bruce trains with the League of Shadows, grows close with Talia and Ra’s, but — eventually — spurns their movement to return to Gotham and pursue his mission.

Years later, he shows up in the middle of the night at Talia’s door. There’s a body in his arms, wrapped in bloodstained sheets.

“The Pit,” he whispers, trembling, “is it true?”

[billiedeanhwrd]

when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.

[mandoalorian]

Perfect To Me [Maxwell Lord x Reader]

Author's note: This is so self indulgent. I've been having a bad night and this just, kinda happened. I have a really bad relationship with my body image n stuff and so writing this sorta helped me vent out my feelings. Maxwell is like my fave character and I love him so much so ofcourseeee I wrote it with him. Anyways I want you to know that your favourite character loves you so much even when you feel like you're not worth it or in the moments you don't love yourself. I mean it, they love you.

Warnings: body dysmorphia, disordered thinking of a self conscious reader. And also. A little self conscious Maxwell.

Word count: 2.2k

Rating: PG-13

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gif by @santigarcia

You hated it. You hated everything about it. You didn't understand, when you had tried it on in the store just a few hours ago, you loved it. It fit you beautifully. But now, it wasn't the same. It was like something had drastically changed but you couldn't place your finger on what exactly it was. 

"Honey we're going to be late!" you heard Maxwell call from downstairs. Anxiety filled your body knowing that you had to be at the gala in— you checked the time— twenty minutes. "The carpool is waiting!" he called again. You could hear the stress in his voice. He hated being late, especially for events.

"Just a minute!" you shouted back but the words left your lips as a croak, breaking at the end. You scrunched your nose up in disdain and hoped that Maxwell hadn't heard the change in your voice.

You couldn't do this; your blood running cold as you stared at yourself in the mirror. You wanted to rip the dress off, climb under the blankets of your enormous bed and cry. You looked disgusting, embarassing… you didn't look like someone who should be dating Maxwell Lord. Tears pricked your eyes as you imagined the way everyone would be looking at you if you attended the gala wearing that monstrosity. You believed that the dress would be beautiful on every single other person; just not you.

You didn't know what to do. Quickly, you ran to your walk in closet and angrily began to pull out all the dresses that had been neatly organised and hung up. They fell in messy pools on the floor. You wanted to scream in anger, desperately trying to find a dress you could quickly change into. The anxiety only got worse when you could hear Maxwell downstairs making small talk with his driver. You knew they were waiting for you in the lobby. You didn't have time.

You picked up a red number that you had wore last year at the Christmas office party. You tried to weigh up if it would be appropriate for tonight's events, holding it against your body. You threw it to one side, screaming in frustration when you decided it probably wouldn't fit you anymore. You couldn't go. You'd embarrass yourself, and you'd embarrass Maxwell, and his company. 

You clutched onto the edges of your dresser, knuckles turning white as you forced yourself to look at your appearance in the mirror. The kohl black eyeliner was smudged from your tears and your foundation had begun to separate from the anxious sweat you had broken into. He would just have to leave without you.

"I'll go check on her," you heard Maxwell tell the driver. "I'm sure she's just deciding on a pair of shoes." you thought his voice sounded apologetic. You imagined him marching into your shared bedroom, angry that you were taking so long. You imagined his face burning with red rage when he saw you sitting on the edge of his bed, a complete and utter mess. Maybe you deserved it. You heard his footsteps get louder and louder as he went up the stairs and you figured there wasn't anything you could do now. Thoughts raced your mind as you wondered how you could possibly explain this to him.

"Sweetheart, I know what you say about being fashionably late but—” Maxwell stopped and froze up when he entered the bedroom, his eyes blinking between you and the pile of your dresses on the floor. You watched him, feeling ashamed, as his appearance turned from confused to concerned.

He slowly walked further into the bedroom, looking around. He glanced over all your cosmetics and hair products that were scattered across the dresser and examined the mountain pile of clothes on the floor, trailing from the closet to where you were sitting. He moved the red dress you had considered from the bed and sat next to you in silence.

Maxwell turned to face you, but you couldn't bring yourself to look at him. He placed a finger under your chin and turned your head so he could get a good look of your face. He swiped his thumb under your eye, trying to clean up your messy eyeliner, and cupped your cheek. The familiar coolness of his rings pressed against your skin eased you slightly, but you still felt an anxiety. He eventually spoke.

"Darling… what happened?" his voice was gentle and cautious. You tried to swallow the lump that had formed in your throat and looked down at the carpeted floor. You didn't answer him. He waited a few moments, and then he said your name.

"I made a mess." you gulped, looking around the bedroom. His gaze followed your eyes and he sighed.

"I can see that," he shrugged. "But I mean… you've been crying?" You nodded, feeling your cheeks heat up in shame. "Why?" he asked.

You sniffed. You could think of a thousand excuses less embarrassing than the truth. But he was your boyfriend, and this was a big problem in your life. You figured that he should know what was really going on with you. It was still scary. He was Maxwell Lord— feared by everyone. And there was a reason for that. While he had shown you nothing but love and care during the course of the relationship, you imagined the worst. You imagined him laughing at you or belittling you. Something you've had to deal with from plenty of people before. You rubbed your sore and glossy eyes before taking a deep breath.

"I hate the way this dress looks on me." you said, and Maxwell frowned, crinkles forming in between your eyebrows.

"I don't understand." there was an air of bewilderment in his voice, like he couldn't comprehend what you were telling him. It was a simple fact to you, but your opinion seemed lost on him.

Feeling frustrated, you stood up and flattened the dress down, standing before him. His jaw dropped slightly and his eyes widened as he drunk in the sight of you. The dress fit your body perfectly. He could swear that it was made for you and only you.

"If I go to the gala dressed like this, I'll embarrass you," you sniffed, scrunching up your face in disgust and immediately feeling even more self conscious as you stood in front of your boyfriend. "People will state, and laugh. They will write about me in the tabloids and-"

"Write about how beautiful you look in that dress? Damn sure." Maxwell mumbled, reaching out and taking your hand. "You're wrong. You're so wrong." he pulled you close to him and settled his hands on your waist as he continued to admire you.

"Please don't touch me," you shook your head, pushing his hands away from you. "I feel disgusting. I look disgusting. I am disgusting. Max… you should know that this isn't just a one off thing. I feel like this often, and I don't know why."

"You were obsessed with the dress when you tried it on for me earlier." Maxwell raised an eyebrow, brushing his lower lip with his finger as he processed what was going on.

"I know. I loved it. But now? I hate it. I'm sorry, you probably think this is so stupid."

Maxwell stood up and shook his head quickly. "No! No. Don't apologise. Don't ever apologise, okay? You're not stupid. I understand. I understand completely." 

"No, you don't." you sighed, holding your face in your palms. Maxwell stiffened up and shuffled uncomfortably. You pulled your face away from your hands and pulled on his wrist, reading the time on his gold wristwatch. "Max, just go. This is your big event and you don't want to be late." 

"No." he told you, loosening his bowtie and shuffling out of his suit jacket. He threw it to the floor, amongst the pile of your dresses. He kicked off his Armani shoes and folded his arms over his chest.

"If this is you being stubborn because you're upset with me for not getting dressed…" you trailed off and Maxwell looked at you. He looked hurt that you had made such a suggestion.

"You really don't think I understand how you feel?" He quizzed, and you didn't reply. He was confident, he exuded charm and charisma. He was a television star, he had done speeches in the White House and spoken to the most influential people in the world. You looked at him, waiting for him to continue. He stuck a finger into his belly. "I hate this."

You gulped. "Your tummy?"

He nodded. "I never used to have a tummy… when I was younger, I mean," he revealed, although it meant nothing to you. "But in recent years, you know. I drink a little more, have more steak dinners and don't exercise. So…"

"You're in great shape," you spluttered in disbelief. "And I love your tummy."

"Wouldn't you rather I had an eight pack?" he asked and the thought made you burst into a fit of giggles. The smile he made when he saw that he had made you laugh was unmatched.

"No, not at all!" you chuckled, nudging him playfully.

"So, I do understand," he told you. "I say I hate my tummy, you say you love it. You say you hate the way that dress fits you, and I say it's the most beautiful thing I've seen you in. Although, I think you get more beautiful everyday," he blushed and you beamed at his kind words. It was rare Maxwell would tell you something like that. "I wish you could see yourself the way I saw you. But your feelings? I'm so glad you told me. We can get through it together. I promise." he reached back to hold your hand and gave you a comforting squeeze.

"I still don't want to go to the gala." you bit your lip and he nodded understandably.

Maxwell leaned over to the phone that was on his bedside table and called down to the lobby where his driver was waiting for you both. He cleared his throat. "Yes, it's Maxwell. Take the night off. Myself and Y/N have decided we will not be attending the gala tonight."

"But sir-" the driver began and Maxwell abruptly cut him off.

"Do I pay you to question me? Hurry along now." He said before putting the phone back down on the hook. He sighed before turning back to you and smiling.

"What- what do you mean you're not attending the gala? Max, it's your gala. You have to go." 

"You think I could stand schmoozing with those slimy CEOs without you by my side? I couldn't be productive knowing that my beautiful girlfriend was at home, alone, probably watching some sad movie when her boyfriend should be with her and comforting her."

Your eyes were bright and your lips curled into a grin at his sentiment. You swung your hands around him and cuddled him tight, taking in the scent of his luxury fragrance and resting your head into his soft shirt. "I love you Maxie." you whispered, and he slung an arm around you, pushing you further into his lap.

"I love you too darling," he confessed, pressing a kiss onto the top of your head. "Cmon, let's get you out of your dress and into some cozy pyjamas."

You smiled, tugging on the collar of his shirt and pulling him into another kiss, this time on the lips. It was soft and brisk yet passionate. He pulled away slowly and you took in his dark lust blown eyes. "I wanna wear your shirt," you whined, beginning to unbutton it.

"Okay." he replied simply, leaning back and letting you pull his white button up shirt from his body.

"I love your tummy." you reminded him and he smiled, crinkles forming in the corners of his eyes and a dimple in the left of his cheek.

"Dress off, shirt on." He told you and you nodded, getting up from the bed and getting changed. Maxwell unbuttoned his belt and pulled down his tailored pants, throwing them to the floor. He took off his socks and clambered under the bed sheets, his arms out, waiting for you to join him. "I love seeing you wear my shirt." he told you as you curled up into him.

You hummed in contentment as he played with your hair. He said your name, in an almost questioning tone.

"Yes?" you replied. 

"No matter what, you'll always be perfect to me."

Permanent taglist (let me know if you wish to be added!): @supernaturalgirl @phoenixhalliwell @ah-callie @luvzoria @stardust-galaxies @wickedfrsgrl @goth-topic @nerdypinupcrystal

[althephie]

𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 - 𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐤𝐞𝐢𝐣𝐢

to 100-0

like so sad

do i feel bad for doing this to yall yes. but i am curel to myself too! so have fun!

𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 - 𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐤𝐞𝐢𝐣𝐢

- akaashi took advantage of his childhood friend y/n knowingly, and ghosted her for someone else.

I got my driver's license last week

her e/c looked out of the front of her car watching herself drive past down her street.

Just like we always talked about 'Cause you were so excited for me

the female could feel her eyes watering as her tears stream down her face wetting it. reminding her of the day that she found the love of her life with someon else. oh how much she cried that day.

she wanted to punch his stupid perfect face

perfect eyes

perfect body

perfect everything

akaashi was just perfect.

that it was too good to be true

To finally drive up to your house But today I drove through the suburbs Crying 'cause you weren't around

y/n was so heartbroken when she saw him at their favorite cafe with someone else. he had ghosted her for the past 2 weeks and barely contacted her. they were dating still and it hurt her.

on a very cold winter day, she decided to go get some coffee. instead of happy memories rushing in the heartache did.

And you're probably with that blonde girl Who always made me doubt She's so much older than me

she was a pretty blonde foreign girl, who was tall and had beautiful green eyes. she was definitely older than y/n and akaashi. she was mature. she had a perfect body.

she was perfect.

perfect eyes

perfect body

perfect everything.

the blonde was also just perfect.

She's everything I'm insecure about Yeah, today I drove through the suburbs 'Cause how could I ever love someone else?

the h/c was driving mindlessly as despair surged into her body as if it was her only life support. the only thing that kept her alive was her own depression.

ironic isn't it?

the thing that killed many, made her stay alive.

And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

another round of tears flooded her eyes as a sinking feeling in her chest bloomed. she remebered confronting him alone.

he kept a straight face.

his once warm eyes were now cold.

he looked at her with such disgust and annoyance.

it broke y/n...it made her feel so insecure.

so useless

so stupid

all the dark-haired male had to say was....

" bye."

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Lifeless e/c eyes looked and examined the house that he lived in remebering all the times they had in his front yard.

the small cheesy picnics

the snowball fights with their friends

the stargazing

the pictures they took of each other.

the warm feeling of the sun touching their skin while their hearts skipped a beat each time they touched or made eye contact.

And all my friends are tired Of hearing how much I miss you, but I kinda feel sorry for them

her friends

their friends

they did not know about his girlfriend, until they all reunited during spring break of her 2nd year of college. instead of seeing y/n and akaashi being lovey dovey. they saw akaashi and some girl.

who even was she?

y/n’s once lively self was dull and stoic. usually she would jump into bokutos arms and fangirl over how cute hinata was still, but instead they all received a fake smile. it broke their hearts and angered many.

'Cause they'll never know you the way that I do, yeah Today I drove through the suburbs And pictured I was driving home to you

bokuto, the one who introduced you two as children was offended. she was his cousin. he asked akaashi for his reasons without anyone knowing. akaashi just looked away and shrug.

And I know we weren't perfect But I've never felt this way for no one, oh

“ i didn’t feel the spark anymore, but when i met Kila. she became the sun in my eyes. she is so bright and gorgeous. she is just...amazing….”

“ y/n was just the moon during a winter sky. cute but dull and boring. she could be bright, but did not stand out, i guess ”

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone I guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

in that moment, akaashi’s grey-blue eyes widened when he saw a fist coming straight to his face. Akaashi fell to the floor and looked up at his senpai in shock.

he had never seen bokuto look that scary before. instead of going into emo mode, he went into pissed off mode. His eyes piercing into the younger males soul

the nerve

Red lights, stop signs I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

“ WE ARE ALL CHILDHOOD FRIENDS!! SHE LOVED YOU!! AKAASHI” the white-haired male shouted with tears running down, “ YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BROTHER!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD NEVER HURT HER!! YOU ASSHOLE!”

“ Y/N IS NOT DULL!! SHE IS NOT JUST CUTE! SHE IS FUCKING GORGEOUS WAY BETTER THAN THAT STUPID BLONDE YOU HAVE NOW!! “

unknowest to them, y/n was sitting against the wall of the building the two had met up and cried silently.

“ YOU-Yo...You promised me...you promised.”

bokuto weeps falling onto his knees infront of his bestfriend.

he promised to take care of her and love her

to never hurt her

and he failed

“ i guess her light is to bright that it...*choke* it blinded you akaashi....it blinded you from seeing her beauty.”

Can't drive past the places we used to go to 'Cause I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

this y/n shook her head and woke up from her daydreaming. she did not know that she stopped the car in front of his house for a minuts. the s/c female sighed shakingly and pushed on the pedal to continue on going.

she needed to move on...but she knew she would never.

Sidewalks we crossed I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing

she continued on driving more hearing his laugh ringing in her ears as memories kept on flushing through. she hoped he was happy

she hoped it was worth it for him

losing all his friends

losing his bestfriend

losing her

Over all the noise God, I'm so blue, know we're through But I still fuckin' love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

present y/n looked up with a microphone in hand as she watched the audience infront of her sing the lyrics.

they all looked at her with eyes of support

the same ones her friends and family gave her as she tried to move one

y/n broke down smiling and blowing kisses at her fans as she sang her song

I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one

she was letting it out

she finally moved one

she wanted everyone to know that she was inlove once to and that no one is alone.

she felt free and happy

and...she got her drivers license. yeah, she was 20 years old, and should have gotten it earlier, but she had him...she had him to take her away from here.

now she has herself and her license

one that they planned to get it together after akaashi said that she needed one even if she sucked at driving. it made the two laugh.

now that was just a memory

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay, now that I'm gone

she sung softly

not noticing a pair of grey-blue eyes staring up at her with awe. the girl he called “ dull and boring” was far from that, he was blind.

her brightest was so bright that it made him blind.

“ whoever broke y/n like that it stupid”

“ right? when she said that her ex ghosted her and left her for someone else it was so sad! they were childhood friends too!”

“ his lost.”

“ it was your lost akaashi.” he muttered to himsef watching the female laugh and cry at the song, she wrote about their love story.

'Cause you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

she finally felt free after writing this song, but her love for the boy was still there. first love is hard fo forget of course. it’s the one that hurts the most.

she was not perfect

he was not either

it took him to realize how much he needed her

when he let her go

akaashi was wrong

she was bright

she was not dull

he was just blind to it all...

blinded by her beauty

blinded by her personality

and her glow

that it made him ignorant to it all.

maybe his beautiful y/n was too bright for him

too bright for him to handle.

as i said sorry but not sorry T-T

i am also crying tbh. if yall are.

bc idk why i hate it when ppl cheat but i keep reading angsty fanfics about it bc they are so good. don't cheat ppl it hurts

i will be uploading more on my masterlist soon! so watch out!

[kaaytea]

Yaku Morisuke x reader

Summary: Yaku insisted that he didn't need your help, but the sound of glass breaking over the phone said otherwise.

Warnings: none

A/n: Yaku canonically has 2 little brothers now🥰 this is basically a gift for bug anon and @hikari-writes​ anyways enjoy mwah!!💖

----------------------------------------------------------

"Hi baby!" You happily chirped into the phone, "I'm excited for our date! It's been a while since we've gone on one."

There was a pause on the other end, you could hear shuffling and a few muffled giggles.

"Stop it you two! I'm sorry (y/n) but we're gonna have to postpone our date, my Aunt fell ill so my parents asked me to watch Yuji and Shiori While they go look after her. I'm really sorry I know how excited you were"

You let out a small laugh and shifted your phone to your other ear as you went to pick up your bag, "It's ok Mori, we can just reschedule for next weekend. How about I come over anyway? It sounds like you'll need the help."

"Ah you don't have to do that, I can usually handle them and I don't want you to-"

Yaku was cut off by the sound of a glass breaking followed by two voices

"ooooo Oniisan is gonna kill yooooou"

"No! He's gonna kill you because I didn't do it!"

Mori let out a tired sigh, "On second thought some help would be greatly appreciated."

"I'll be over in ten minutes, sit tight sweetie!"

<< --------------------------------------------------- >>

The Yaku family home wasn't too far from yours, being only a little over an eight-minute walk away. You'd been there plenty of times throughout the years after befriending Morisuke in junior high; your younger self would probably explode if they knew you'd end up dating that cute boy with pretty eyes and wavy, toffee hair who walked home the same way you did. The Yaku's basically became your second home at this point so helping Mori watch his little brothers wasn't that rare of an event.

You hopped up the steps to the humble house and knocked on the door, which swang open a few seconds after revealing a flustered Yaku Morisuke.

"Thank you for helping (y/n), I’m sorry.. this isn't exactly what I had in mind for us today," he said as you walked in, pressing a kiss to your cheek in the process.

"I don't mind helping you out Mori, sure it's not the same as a dinner date but we always have fun when watching the boys," you offered him a smile, which he returned, and followed him into the main room where you were immediately tackled by his brothers.

"(Y/n)-chan!" Yuji jumped up from his seat, abandoning the gaming controller he was holding leaving Shiori to win the game they were currently playing, and bounced over to you to hug your waist. Shiori followed closely behind his older brother and latched on to your waist as well.

"Hey you two!" You wrapped an arm around both boys and hugged them back, both of them looked up at you with big smiles.

They were looking more and more like Morisuke each time you saw them -which was understandable seeing as they're all brothers.

Yuji, the older of the two, shared the same toffee hair as his elder brother but Shiori's, while similar, was a few shades darker than Mori's. All three of them had the same chocolate-colored eyes and delicate freckles dusted on their cheeks though.

"Alright get off them, this might surprise you two but they need to do this thing called breathing," Yaku said from where he was leaning against the couch.

Both boys pulled away, Shiori lingering a little longer, and then dragged you over to the couch to play videogames with you.

Videogames were the most popular form of entertainment whenever you came to watch them. Yuji was scary good at games and almost always won when the four of you played; he could honestly rival Kenma's abilities.

Because there were only three controllers Shiori always sat on your lap so the both of you could take turns, but you had a sneaking suspicion it was because he was a little more attached to you and liked to be near you.

"Are you sure you don't want to play (y/n)-chan?" Shiori looked up at you from his spot on your lap with an innocent look.

"I'm sure Shi, I'm having much more fun watching you play," you leaned closer to him and whispered," Plus, I can help you beat your brothers this way."

He grinned at you and looked forward again to the tv. It seemed as though today's game of choice was Smash Bros Ultimate.

The three brothers started the game with Yuji instantly knocking Mori off the map resulting in him to yell out in frustration. Yaku could be very petty when he wanted so he spent most of the game targeting Yuji, leaving Shiori to sit safely on the sidelines. The game was coming to a close with Mori and Yuji both having one life left. Mori took a wild chance and ended up hitting Yuji off the map making the younger boy cry out in shock. That's when you guided Shiori over to Mori's character and won the match.

"No fair! (y/n)-chan helped you Shiori!" Yuji whined.

"I have no idea what you mean Yuji," you gave him a smile as he pouted at you; he took gaming very seriously.

"Ok ok, stop attacking (y/n) and Shi, why don't we go outside for a bit? The both of you have been in here playing games all day," Yaku got up and turned off the gaming console and tv then turned back to look at the two boys.

"Oooook," they both said before racing to the door. They pushed at each other in attempts to sabotage the other causing you to laugh at their antics. You were so engrossed in the younger boys race that you didn't notice Yaku standing in front of you until he flicked your head.

"You totally helped him win, didn't you" Mori stated with a playful glare.

You got up and pressed a kiss to his nose, "Maybe I did maybe I didn't. Why? Do you want me to help you win next time?" Mori blushed at your response then teasingly hit your shoulder.

<< --------------------------------------------------- >>

You and Yaku sat on the wooden porch together watching the younger boys kick around a soccer ball. Mori's arm was around your waist, his thumb occasionally rubbing soft circles into your hip.

"Niisan?" Shiori had diverged from Yuji and now stood in front of Mori and you, nervously fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"What's up bud?"

"Can...can you teach me how to play volleyball?"

Mori honestly looked like he could cry when the words 'teach me to play volleyball' left his little brother’s mouth. He'd been hoping that at least one of his brothers would become interested in the sport and it seemed quiet Shiori would be the one.

Mori stood up with a grin on his face, "Sure Shi! Come on, we'll teach you how to receive first."

You smiled watching Shiori run after Morisuke; Yuji and Shiori really looked up to him, it's like they think he hung the stars in the sky himself.

"Yuji!" You called out. The boy looked up from where he was kicking around the soccer ball, "Wanna come help me make dinner?"

"Yeah!"

Yuji happily trailed after you to the kitchen, hopping around from foot to foot as he blabbered on about a Tv show.

You honestly didn't know where he got all his energy from, everyone else in his family was significantly less hyper; though, his cheery attitude was one of your favorite things about him.

"Alright Yuji, what should we make?"

He stopped his bouncing and brought a hand to his chin, his face scrunching up as he pondered his options.

"Ramen!"

You gave him a nod and searched through the cabinets for the noodle packets you were, oh so familiar with. You pulled out enough for four people, placing them on the counter. You then moved to the refrigerator -just eating the packaged noodles wouldn't be the healthiest, so you decided to put your own spin on it. After a quick once over of the fridge you pulled out some carrots, spinach, and a few eggs.

"Ok Kiddo, I'm giving you a really important job. I want you to wash the carrots and spinach, think you can do that for me?"

"Yep!" Yuji gathered the vegetables in his arms and brought them over to the sink to start his job. Once you were sure he was safe, you started looking around for a pot and cutting board. You'd been to this house so many times but if there was one room you weren't familiar with it was the kitchen. Yaku's mother always insisted that she had everything handled and for you to go enjoy your time with Morisuke.

"(y/n)-chan I'm done!" Yuji called over his shoulder. He had perfect timing as you had just found a pot big enough to cook the noodles in.

You walked over to the sink, pot in hand, and gave Yuji a pat on the head -he was absolutely beaming at your approval.

"looks good, I'm gonna start cutting the carrots, fill this pot a little over halfway and then we can start making the noodles," Yuji nodded up at you and started filled the pot while you started cutting the veggies.

You were fully concentrated on your task, you didn't even hear the backdoor open.

"Careful!" You looked over your shoulder to find Mori taking the filled pot from Yuji, the latter had a slight pout spread over his face.

Yaku placed the pot on the stove top and turned back to the younger boy, "Don't do that next time, alright? You could have gotten hurt...it's ok to ask for help when you need it."

Yuji nodded pitifully, he's eyes down casted on the floor in a mix of shame and embarrassment. Mori huffed and ruffled Yuji's hair making him perk up a bit, "I think (y/n) and I've get it handled from here buddy. Go play with Shi, we'll call you both when the foods done."

"Ok!" All previous sadness had left Yuji as he instantly reverted back to his happy self, he bounced out of the kitchen and in the direction of he and Shiori's shared room.

"Thank you for helping Yuji!" You called out. His head popped out from the side of the doorway with a large smile on his face.

"you're welcome (y/n)-chan!"

<< --------------------------------------------------- >>

After dinner and a few more rounds of Smash, Mori and you had tucked both boys into bed for the night.

You stretched your arms high into the air with a hum, "I should probably start walking home."

You felt Yaku latch onto your back, his chin resting on your shoulder and his strong arms pulling you into his chest.

"Nope you're staying here, I don't want you walking home this late."

You chuckled at him and leaned into his hold, he's always looking out for you.

"Ok...that means we're gonna go cuddle in your room, right?"

"Duh"

Being curled up with Mori was one of the best things on earth. Everything about the action was soft and warm; the embodiment of comfort.

"I love your brothers but they really are a handful."

"Try living with them," Yaku responded dryly.

You slapped his shoulder lightly causing him to chuckle at you.

You sighed, enjoying the feeling of Mori tracing random shapes on your back, and nuzzled further into his chest.

"How did Volleyball with Shiori go?"

"It was fun. He's not that bad of a receiver, though I think he'd make a better setter than a libero."

You hummed and placed a kiss on his jaw, "He does have the aspects of a good setter in him, liberos need to be a bit aggressive and crazy to throw themselves around and receive."

"Wow thanks babe," he deadpanned causing you to giggle at him.

"I loooove you~"

"Yeah, whatever you say," Yaku rolled his eyes then tickled your sides changing your giggles to full-on laughter. You shifted and twitch in feeble attempts to escape Yaku's grasp.

"OK OK IM SORRY, Y-YOU MADE YOUR POINT!!"

He stopped his attack and watched you with a soft look as you calmed down. That's when a sliver of light cut through the room like a knife making both You and Mori look towards the door.

"Oniisan...we heard a scary noise outside," Yuji stood in the doorway with Shiori behind him clinging to the back of his shirt.

Mori sat up, he may complain that his baby brothers were annoying but he still loved them with all his heart and couldn't stand to see them upset.

"Do you guys wanna stay with us tonight? (Y/n)-chan and I will make sure nothing scary comes to snatch you away"

Both boys nodded and rushed over to Yaku's bed; their brother was like a beacon of light and the bed a safe house, the childlike fear of standing in the dark room unprotected lapped at their minds.

You all had to squeeze to fit onto the bed but eventually, everyone got situated and relaxed. Both kids laid between you and Mori; Shiori was clinging to your waist with his face pressed into your stomach and Yuji was facing Mori hugging his arm.

Both Yuji and Shiori fell asleep instantly once in the comfort of You and Yaku.

You ran a hand through Shiori's wavy hair, you looked up to find Yaku watching you; he looked starstruck, an almost loopy smile on his face and a warm glow in his eyes. He reached over Yuji and Shiori and grabbed onto your free hand, his thumb ran up and down the back of it prompting you to close your eyes and start to drift off.

Everything was warm and cozy, nothing but the distant chirps of crickets and the soft breathing of the two sleeping boys filled your senses; the feeling of safety and protection evident in the air.

This single moment in time was better than any date Yaku could take you on.

[desertofsnowflakes]

Incorrect Order Chapter 5 (Nessian AU)

A/N: Do inform me if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist! If you happen to find my storyline similar to another fic or one of yours, I'm extremely sorry, I might've just not known. All characters belong to the author Sarah J. Mass. Enjoy!

Summary: Don't first impressions always affect the way you see someone? Well, what more with the Nesta Archeron? Nesta meets Cassian at few unexpected places and to say it didn't go well was a major understatement. Certain circumstances make them become enemies to tolerable company to friends to lovers.

Trigger Warnings: Swearing, an angry Nesta and a heart-broken Cassian

2094 words | Incorrect Order Masterlist | Read on AO3

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Nesta had never been one for small talk but in his presence she spoke as if she was excellent in small talk. They spoke of all unimportant things and ended up forgetting the important stuff; their names. Again.

Feyre sent an invitation for her first anniversary party as she did for every other occasion. The only thing different was that Nesta never bothered to pay heed to her invitations before. After the day in the alley, however, she decided she was going to turn over a new leaf. This was her first step.

She checked her reflection on the side-mirror. She tried to keep her outfit and make-up as simple as possible. She only wore a white ruffled-sleeved blouse with a black pencil skirt. Her hair was braided into a coronet. She looked good, but not as good as she’ll look if she took her own time to do a detailed make-over. She let out a breath and braced herself for the inevitable little chat with her sisters.

“Nesta?” a bewildered voice breathed. She whirled around to face her younger sister, Elain, looking up at her, a small smile playing about her lips. “You’re here,” she said and flung her arms around Nesta. Nesta automatically wrapped her arms around Elain’s smaller frame. Eventually, Elain pulled back.

“No offense, but I really thought you wouldn’t be coming,” Elain said.

Nesta felt as if the smile on her face couldn't be wiped out for the next few hours. “Honestly, I didn't think I'd come either. But here I am.”

She nodded and pulled Nesta to the garden the party was held at.

“I did this,” Elain said. “This garden, I planted and groomed all this.”

“No wonder why it looks so beautiful,” Nesta replied.

She flushed and said contemplatively, “You're so different now, Nesta.”

“I hope in a good way. Where's Feyre?”

“Let's go meet everyone first.”

Nesta shook her head. “I— I need to talk to both of you before I meet everyone else. ”

Elain hesitated then said, “Can you wait in that room? I'll fetch Feyre and come.”

Nesta nodded and headed to the door at the end of the garden Elain pointed at. The room was classy, much like the exterior of the house. She was struck by the simple yet grand theme of Feyre's house. She knew he and his brothers were rich but she just didn't understand the extent of their wealth. Till now.

“What are you thinking?” Feyre wasn't the type to blindly trust people. It took more than coming for her anniversary to persuade her that Nesta's intentions were good.

Nesta faced Feyre, her youngest sister, who stood before her, gorgeous yet fierce in a simple but elegant blue gown. She shrugged, “Just thinking that I'm glad my sisters were well-provided when I couldn't take care of them.”

Feyre’s face didn’t change, she just gestured towards the couches. “Have a seat,” she said.

Nesta sat down, “You both look splendid,” she said. Feyre said that the gown was a gift, Elain thanked Nesta and offered the same.

Nesta cleared her throat. “I need to tell the both of you something. Many things, actually.”

Elain nodded encouragingly. Feyre said, “Go on.”

So Nesta spoke. She apologised. For how she wasn't there to fulfill the role of an elder sister. For how she failed to attend Feyre's marriage and many other occasions. For all the rude words she spoke to them. For shunning them. She apologised for being self consumed. For everything else.

She also promised. To try harder. To become better. To be a good sister and sister-in-law. To be with them at all times, especially when they needed her. And they listened.

“I know these words aren't enough, but I'll try to make it so,” she finished, her hands clasped with both her sisters on her sides.

“You said you'll try, Nesta. We will too,” Feyre said.

“I see a very bright future ahead of us,” Elain said.

Nesta couldn't help the tears anymore. She folded her arms around her sisters and tucked them close. Her sisters. Her beloved sisters she now knew she'd do anything to protect.

“I see a very bright future too,” Nesta said.

Nesta pulled back after what felt like an hour and looked at her sisters' tear-streaked faces.

“I love you,” the three of them said simultaneously. Nesta giggled. Elain laughed. Feyre stared.

Nesta gently brushed the tears from both of their cheeks. “I don't want to see any of you crying.”

She hugged them again, willing the hug to convey everything she didn't say out loud.

“Now, now, enough snuggling. We've got a party to attend and people to meet, remember?” Feyre said.

***

Cassian was anxious. He had always hoped Nesta, his sister-in-law, would come for the gatherings they had; be it family dinners, or birthday parties, or the random meetings they had when they just got tipsy and played games. He hadn't seen her face-to-face before. All he knows about Nesta are from the descriptions from Feyre and Elain. That, too, was minimal. One of them would quickly change the topic to something pleasant the moment traces of an emotional breakdown were visible. Every time he hoped, he was let down. She never came. He vowed he would stop hoping and instead just go about and act as if she didn't exist. But that never happened. Every time his family met, his treacherous heart would start hoping only to have a chunk of it fall off when she failed to attend. Today was no different.

Then there’s the woman who he’d been talking to the whole afternoon. He was a tangled up mess of emotions and doubt and confusion. He had been sort-of pining after Nesta. She was exactly the person he’d like. Apparently she was drop-dead gorgeous, witty and… feral. Feyre said that. Feral. She’d be someone worth seeing. She was totally a worthy opponent. It’d be fun. But the other woman? Mother above, she was ethereal. More than ethereal, in fact. Words can't contain what he had to say about her.

He was damn near killing Az for calling him right when they were about to exchange names. He really can't believe he was a hairsbreadth away from knowing her before it was all ripped away. Now they were back to square one. He didn't know anything about her.

Azriel clapped him on his back so hard that he almost stumbled and fell. Or probably that was because he was too distracted. “All good Somm?”

“Mmm-hmm,” he replied noncommittally. He busied his hands with re-rinsing the champagne flutes and wiping them clean again. He did this two times already. Still.

“Mood is sour today, Cass?” Az teased, mock-frowning.

“Nah,” Cassian said wryly, “it's as sweet as honeydew. Especially today, when my chat got interrupted.” He glared at Azriel.

“Now, now, that is a story for another day. For now though, I think I've got something that can cheer up your brooding self.”

“What is it?” he mumbled.

Az grinned. “Nesta is here.”

***

Feyre and Elain took Nesta on a quick tour around the house. Feyre’s paintings were hung on the walls throughout the whole house. Nesta grimly noticed that there wasn't a single picture of her. There were even paintings of their father whose heart had long stopped beating. But none of hers. If only she didn’t push herself away, Nesta would’ve been a happy part of her sisters’ lives.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Feyre took her hand in hers. Elain tucked herself to Nesta’s side, wrapping her arms over her slender shoulders.

Nesta already met Mor, a stunning blonde woman, and Amren, a slightly intimidating and short person. Now she only had to meet her brother-in-laws.

“Let’s go meet the boys!” Elain said brightly.

We walked back to the garden. Feyre seemed to get more and more elated the closer we got to the garden. Huh. Probably falling in love would do that to someone. Anyway, as long as her sisters were happy.

They stepped through the doorway. The garden was decorated with more banners and streamers hung on the back of chairs and on the low branches. Again, it looked opulent in a simple way.

There were three men in the centre of the garden, gathered around a table. They all were slightly similar, broad shouldered, tapered waists, muscular limbs. Three of them wore formal shirts and pants clinging to their frames. The one in the middle was Rhysand, she supposed. She smirked internally. Of course Feyre ended up with this guy. She's got a good taste. Must've gotten it from the oldest sister.

The one on the right, though. His figure felt familiar. Very, very familiar. She couldn't quite put a finger on it yet.

“The one on the left is Azriel, the one on the right is Cassian,” Feyre said, and Nesta nodded.

The boys must be really engrossed with their conversation. They hadn't noticed the three of them yet.

The guy she thought was familiar threw his head back and laughed. She gasped. That laugh. She'd know the laugh anywhere. Indeed, when he angled his face so that she could get a glimpse, she knew she was done for. She swallowed with much difficulty.

“I need to go,” she said quickly.

“Go? But— but we haven't cut the cake yet. It's still early. We've got lots more fun stuff,” Elain said.

“You said you'll try, Nesta. Only, this doesn't feel like 'trying',” Feyre said.

They sounded… hurt.

Mother above, I'm doing this wrong.

“Nesta?” Elain asked. “Is something wrong?”

“Yeah,” Feyre added, “you look pale.”

“Y-yeah it's f-fine. Kinda. My head hurts,” she said, accidentally clutching her stomach. “I-I mean, yeah my head hurts. Very badly. I gotta go.” She looked helplessly at both of them. “I'm so sorry. I really am. It's just— I think I need rest. I'll recompense. Probably dinner in three days?” They both shared a look and agreed.

Nesta was already walking away. “Love you both,” she threw over her shoulder.

***

“Feyre!” Rhys called. He beckoned Feyre and Elain to the table. He didn't see Nesta.

Cassian lightly kissed Feyre on her cheek once they made their way to the table and said, “Gorgeous as always. Happy anniversary!”

Feyre grinned, but it showed traces of disappointment.

He frowned. “Hey, what's wrong?”

She just shook her head and mumbled, “Nesta.” Rhys's face hardened. His brother was never fond of Nesta. He said that she was why Feyre was always worried.

“Where's Nesta?” Az asked, craning his neck to see behind farther.

“She… left,” Elain pointed, revealing a figure disappearing behind the gates. A figure he knew all too well. Shitshitshitshit.

His head snapped back to his brothers. “That is Nesta?” he damn near shouted.

Rhys scowled, “Yeah.”

No wonder why she's so beautiful, he thought dumbly before running after her with a quick “I'll be back.”

***

Nesta was wrong. In all her happiness of being reunited with her sisters, she completely forgot how even a small thing can break one's smile. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She kept her calm demeanour, but inside, she was a raging storm of emotions.

One step in front of the other, she kept reminding herself.

She kept walking. Even when she heard footsteps. Even when the steps got louder. Even as he got close enough to cease running.

But not when he called her name. She halted. Locked up her emotions. She knew she shouldn't but she turned around anyway.

“What do you want?” she snapped.

“Nesta,” he breathed. She tried to hold back her shudder. It was from the night air, she told herself.

“If you have nothing to say, do let me know. I'm not going to wait forever,” she said. Harsher than she intended to. But she didn't care, at least, that's what she told herself.

Cassian winked, “I'm honored you came, sweetheart. I'll pass the credit to my influence on you. ”

She ground her teeth against the truth threatening to fall off her lips. Yes, I came here because you made me happy. And I thought that if I tried, as I did with you, I can rebuild my relationship with my sisters.

***

Cassian did something stupid. He grabbed her hand. Her eyes snapped to his, burning with anger. Like the day they first met.

He gave her a crooked grin that he knew would drive her mad. Well, more than she already was. He tilted his head to the garden, “The party is that way, love.”

She snatched back her hand at continued walking. Like a fool, he followed. “I spoke to my sisters. Told them I won't be staying tonight. And that we'll have dinner in three day's time. Does that satisfy you? Now, can you stop following me?”

“Something's wrong. What's wrong, Nes?”

“One,” she ground out, “don't call me that. Two, I'm a grown-ass woman; I know how to take care of myself. I don't need a babysitter.”

“You did. That day,” he said quietly.

She whirled on him, “Is this you taking back favours? Because I'm not interested. You want money? Take it. Tell me your price and fucking take it! Don't tread on my heels because you helped me, okay? I've got way better things to do.” She paused, “And don't follow me, Cassian.”

She turned and stalked away.

You want money? Take it. 'Take it.' As if he were a beggar, asking for alms. As if they weren't laughing at each other's jokes not more than an hour ago. As if he didn't spend a week taking care of her as if she were a part of his soul. Maybe she was.

But that was before, Cassian thought as his heart cleaved into two perfect halves. No— it smashed to a million tiny pieces.

He waited till Nesta was out of his line of sight. He turned and walked back to the garden, leaving his heart behind.

taglist: @shadowsinger07 @im-someone-i-guess @saltyfortunes @cressjacquine @julian-blackthorn-supremacy @champanheandluxxury @zemiraa @ladygabrielli1997 @nehemikkele @heartless--aromantic @sv0430 @ddsworldofbooks @irenethaleia @sjm-things @dontgetsalmonella

[polaris13]

THE STRING

Hi, this is me again. Grammar is still not my friend.

Summary : Ye-seul could see the red string of fate. But it doesn’t make thing easier.

TW : Abuse, Self Blame

All her life, ye-seul could see the red string of fate. The red string that tied around our little finger that tied us to our fated one. She was five when she know not everyone could see it. She could still remember that day vividly from the way the wind blow softly, the scent of hot choco, the way the swing move slowly to how sleepy she feel in her halmeoni warm embrace and of course to the red string that insistently tugging at her grandmother.

“ Seul-ie, you sleepy?”

“ No, no sleep. Is Halmeoni hurt?”

“ No, Why sweetheart? ”

“The string keep tugging Halmeoni,

Doesn’t it hurt?”

“Seul-ie could see this?”

She could only nod to Halmeoni.

“This is called the red string of fate. This

string tied us to the people that will love

us forever. We can’t feel it. But it’s there.

So no, it’s not hurt.” Halmeoni said with a

smile.

“Oh, ok.

“ Aga, promise me something. Don’t tell

anyone you could see the string, ok?

She said while linking our pinkies

together.

“Ok. Pinky swear.”

“And remember. This is a blessing. Only

special people could have it. Just like our

Seul-ie”

“Yes halmeoni.” She answered sleepily.

Looking back, she really want to tell her child selves to wake up and ask more about the string because two weeks later her grandmother passed away. And with her gone all the hug and the warmness in her world.

She’s 25 now. A law school student. A girlfriend. Still a girl who could see the red string of fate. When she was younger, she still believe this string tied us to our forever. But the older she got, she realize that everything is not that simple. There is a string that so vividly red, so strong that look like nothing could ever break it, just like the one that Sol A unnie and Joon-Hwi oppa have. The one she like to call the ultimate soulmate string. There is a string that tangled beyond believe, just like the one Ji-Ho and Sol B have. Honestly, she’s so shocked that she keep staring at it. But she shouldn’t have, after all that was the rivals to lovers string. There is a string that looked so battered like it left in the rain for so long, the destined but not meant for each other string. Professor Yang have this string. She still couldn’t find the end of his string. There is a common string that looked like your ordinary red string. Almost everyone have this kind of string like Seung-Jae oppa and Ju-Yeong Unnie, Ye-Beom and even professor kim. There is a string that half transparent because their other half is not in this world anymore. There is a string that doesn’t look like a string, more like a ring on the litte finger. Just like that, no connection to other side. Sweet Bok-Gi have this string. Then there is string like hers, thin and frayed at the edge. String for broken people like her. She doesn’t want to say this, but Oppa have this kind of string too.

All her knowledge about the red string come from observation. She’s good at it. She must be good at it. There is time that she reflect on how she is different girl before and after Oppa. The girl before Oppa believe in fairy tale, of true love, of kindness, of unconditional love. Sure her string is frayed and it worry her a little to what kind of love life that she would have, but she is still young, unfortunately naive and believe that everything will work out in the end. The one after Oppa should have know better. Should have know the world is cruel and unforgivable. Oppa not always like this. He used to be so sweet. He was all her fairy tale come to life. Her rosy future. But everything slowly change when she got accepted to law school, while he don't. He start becoming volatile and angry all the time. Maybe it was all her fault, she shouldn't get in law school, she should wait for him. The first time he hit her, he was drunk. He beg for her forgiveness afterward and she forgive him. Then came the second time, the third time, and so on. It was a vicious cycle. He hit her, she forgive him. She always find excuse for him. Maybe he was drunk, maybe she was to noisy, maybe it was all her fault. What he doesn't know is with every hit, punch, slap and bruised skin he give her, the more frayed and faded her string is. Maybe her grandmother is wrong, maybe this ability is a curse. Maybe everything that befall her is payment for her ability.

" Noona, are you okay?"

Bok-Gi voice bring her back from her thoughts.

" I'm fine." she pretend.

Pretending, another thing that she's good at. Pretending that everything fine, pretending that Ye-Beom quip about eye candy doesn't hurt. It hurt, as if she is nothing but pretty face.

Today, Oppa forced her again. Forced her to do something against her wishes. She doesn't want to commit perjury. She want to work in law. A tiny part of her hope that Oppa love her enough to let it go this time. He doesn't and she was afraid of what he will do to her. So, here she is. Hiding. Sol A unnie is the one that find her. Sol A unnie embrace feel more like a mother’s embrace than her mother’s ever was. It was warm and she feel like everything will be alright again. But then, she pushed Oppa. While he was bleeding in that parking lot, the only thing she could think is how his blood is brighter than her string. She was numb and everything went black.

When she wake up, Joon-Hwi Oppa is there. He protecting her from assemblyman Ko, from the police. Just like a father protecting his child. His string is as bright as ever. It bring comfort to her in the bleakness of the hospital. Later, professor Kim's hug also feel so warm just like her grandmother's hug.

She doesn't want any of this to happen. All she do is bring everyone down. She should be punished instead. It's not until the jury trial that professor Yang make her realize that it's not her fault. That all she ever did was protecting herself. There is nothing compared to the relief she feel when she's win the trial. The only thing that could distract her from her feeling is prosecutor Bae's string. After all she finally find the end of professor Yang's string.

The tell the truth, the notes hurt. Ye-Seul before Oppa would cry, but Ye-Seul after Oppa is stronger than this. So, for the last time. She will apologize for something that is out of her control. But never again.

She will be forever grateful for the study group, professor Yang, professor Kim, Dean Oh, and gollum for everything they did for her. Starting from now she will be the new Ye-Seul, with the girl before Oppa kindness and the girl after Oppa strength.

She is Jeon Ye-Seul. She's 25. A law school student. A friend. Still a girl in a study group. Still a girl that could see the red string of fate. She is happy. She is alive. And this is just her beginning.

////

Bonus :

For Jeon Ye-Seul the red string of fate is very fascinating. Maybe because only her could see it. Or maybe it's awakening her matchmaking hobby.

After waking up one day and realizing that her red string not frayed anymore . Finally becoming whole and attached to the person she's hope. And you're right, it's Min Bok-Gi. She have a new resolution. Matchmaking everyone based on they're red string. They're in 3L now, they have limited time.

" Ji-Ho should be the one to buy the coffee today." she said out of blue.

" Isn't this Joon-Hwi hyung turn?

" Well if he go, then Sol A Noona will also go. Do you know how long we have to wait if that happen?" Ye-Beom quip.

" Hey, it's because you always have addition to your order." Sol A Unnie scold Ye-Beom while blushing and of course Joon-Hwi Oppa see Unnie with heart in his eyes.

(Well, what the blushing for Unnie. And Oppa stop with the stare. It's too obvious. She think she don't have to worry about this two)

" Then, Sol B. Please help Ji-Ho. Ok? It's always 2 people that go buy coffee."

She expecting a protest. But she's ready. She manage to go through a jury trial. This expressionless couple will be a piece of cake.

" Ok. Let's go Ji-Ho."

Well she's not expecting that. After they go, she feel a tug on her sleeve.

" What's that for. Are you matchmaking Ji-Ho and Sol B now?"

" Maybe, Min Bok-Gi. Keep guessing." she said with a laugh.

She is Jeon Ye-Seul. She's 27 now. Her new hobby is matchmaking. She believe every red string start from common string and evolved into something new because our action and of course love. Last but not least, she believes her ability is a blessing not curse.

[evierena]

The demon brothers reacting to a MC that got cheated on. Part 2

Hello, I come here with the second part of my first headcanon, and I wanted to say that I did found a mistake in Satan’s hc, but I already fixed it. Just like last time, if you see a mistake, please kindly point it out for me, I really want to improve in everything I can. 

TW: Mentions of death. 

Intro:

MC was going to get married to their high school sweetheart, they were deeply in love and had been very clear about their status. They had made friends with everyone but never accepted any advances.

Halfway through the year, they get a text from the third party informing them about their significant other affair.

And now, heartbroken and angry, it was up to the rest to help them pick up the pieces. How? Well... Let's see.

Asmodeus

(In this one MC is GN, but the cheater and third party are female and male respectively)

This demon would love to talk with you about your wedding preparations. The theme, your outfit, the flowers, the music, the lingerie for your wedding night *wink, wink*. He would absolutely adore going through pictures upon pictures of weddings.

However, at the same time, as much as he is the Avatar of Lust, he wouldn't like to talk specifically about you with your fiancée. Yes, he would offer to *show* you how to make your bride go crazy on the wedding night, but since you always shot him down (gently, because you know he is sensitive about rejection) he wouldn't actually give any input to help you in that matter.

There is something else that only he, as the Avatar of Lust, sort of anticipated as he listened to you talking about how you met your girlfriend thanks to her being your younger brother's best friend.

And there were nights when, as much as Asmo could feel guilty later, he just couldn't help but fantasise about it coming true so that he could steal you away.

When it finally came true, he felt... Well, overjoyed and immensely guilty for even feeling like that.

You see, you were video calling your girlfriend, and as she was telling you about her day someone entered her room while saying "Honey, I'm home" and you recognized your little brother's voice.

Your girlfriend's face was in shock, and then you saw your brother placing a kiss on her lips casually, like it was the most natural thing in the world, like she was his and not yours. Then, he turned to the camera and his face was disfigured with shock and remorse.

But you had seen enough so you finished the call.

Asmo was in your room, but he was busy doing a face mask in the bathroom and when he came out and saw you crying and sobbing, head between your knees, he just knew it.

I wouldn't say he went as far as hating himself for that (knowing he could've given you a heads up) but he did feel remorseful.

So, for the rest of the week he made it up by pampering the hell out of you.

He lend you his bathtub, he made sure your skin didn't suffer the consequences of crying so much, he gave you massages, he took you shopping, he distracted you by inviting you to clubs, parties,  he bragged about you in his social media, giving your self esteem and ego a much needed boost.

Of course, he would always make sexual innuendos, but he never did anything to make you feel uncomfortable, more like friendly reminders that you are desired.

"Oh, MC, you look delectable with that, I could just eat you up" and "If she saw you like that, she would beg for you to take her back" and some more "You'll see they'll regret everything, you are beautiful inside and out, and they will soon realize what an amazing person they let go"

Asmodeus will try to be in constant touch with you (as long as you allow him) holding hands, a hand in your back, sitting really close to you in school, cuddling with you on movie nights, fingers brushing delicately through your hair, etc.

His revenge is by far the most direct and cruel out of his brothers.

He teamed up with Solomon, the latter getting permission to go to the Human Realm for some errands he needed, and then he summoned Asmo.

In there, he went and meet your ex and brother, and with just a few words he charmed your ex so badly she forgot all about your brother, falling forever in love with Asmo (Solomon helped with a spell that would keep the charm on forever), effectively breaking your little brothers heart and driving your ex to a state of desperation, for she was obsessed with the demon until she died.  

As for you, as time went by, you moved on and once you were ready to embrace your new found feelings for the pink haired demon, you decided to let him know.

"I love you, Asmo"

"Ow, of course you do, peaches, I love myself too" he would say, playfully.

"I mean, I love love you, Asmodeus"

Cue to squeals of joy loud enough to be heard in all House of Lamentation.

" Really?!! Ohhh, I love you too, MC!!!!"

Beelzebub

You and Beel had an amazing friendship, he was very protective of you, and soon everyone knew that you never were far from each other. You would cook for him, accompany him in his nightly carvings when you were also awake, he would share his food with you, pretty much the most wholesome friendship you ever had.

As such, you told each other everything. He would tell you about Lilith and his nightmares, how he felt about his brothers and himself, and you would tell him about your future spouse, the nervousness and eagerness of sharing your life with the love of your life and the want of starting a family with them.

He only wanted for you to be happy, so if that person was making you happy, he would ignore the ache in his heart every time you talked about it and wished you the best.

One day, you were on cooking duty, and you decided to make Beel a feast of his favorite Human Realm recipes, so you left your human phone charging in your room and put yourself to work, but you took your D.D.D with you.

Beel was coming back from practice when you texted him if he could bring you some stuff from your room before you finished everything in the kitchen.

He saw the tilting screen with several notifications and decided to also bring it to you. However, one text captured his attention.

He didn't recognized the name of the sender, but the text read "I can't keep up with the lies and I wouldn't want someone as important to me as (name of your soon-to-be spouse) is to you to do this kind of thing" Beel furrowed his brows, trying to read more in the screen, but he decided it was best for you to read it first.

And just in time, you called out to him.

He went and when he saw you he gave you your phone with a pained look on his face.

"I think you need to see this before eating, MC"

You were puzzled, "what could have happened that was more important than eating?" you thought. Oh, but when you started to read everything, you understood. 

Your ex co worker had confessed to you to be having an affair with your soon-to-be spouse.

You looked up to see your best demon friend, your big teddy bear for some sort of comfort when your world was coming crashing down on you.

Beel hugged you tight, letting your tears stain his shirt, engulfing your entire being in his bigger and warmer frame.

He didn't say anything, he even forgot all about the feast you had prepared, his soft and big heart was broken for you. However, he did feel a sudden craving for a certain human up in the human realm.

Finally you pushed yourself out of his embrace and said "Beel, I'm hungry" causing him to smile gently at you.

"Me too".

With Beel, you eat your woes away. He would always make sure that you had at least a snack in your hand, because in his experience, food can make you feel better.

He became your personal body heater, always keeping you at arm's length. If before you both were close, now you were joined by the hip.

You welcomed him, his compassionate and sweet presence was all you needed to keep going.

With time, you began to recover from the blow, started to smile more, be more happy and lively, like you used to. Beel would always smile at your way, and he always offered his help when things got a little too much for you.

If you felt like you gained weight from all the comfort food you had been eating, he would remind you, by lifting your body, that you were still really light for him and that you would always be very pretty to his eyes. Nonetheless, if you still felt insecure or uncomfortable, he would offer to help you train and get back on track.

If someone dared to make you feel guilty about what happened, Beel would growl at them and then he would remind you that it was not your fault and that you are an incredible person who helped him to get his family together again, and that he would always be there for you.

If you fall for this sweet, adorable teddy bear I don't blame you (honestly, same) you would also need to be the one to come forth about it, not because he is dense or clueless about your feelings for him, but because he was already happy with your friendship and didn't want to push for more.

"Beel, I love you"

He would look at you with big and excited puppy eyes, and the biggest, most heartwarming smile you had seen

Belphegor

(Spoilers from lesson 16 read under your own risk)

When you found him in the attic, and accepted to help him, you started to sneak to try and keep him company when Lucifer wasn't around.

You would try to make conversation to help him feel not so lonely up there, and in his efforts to gain your trust he let you ramble about your future marriage.

He HATED hearing you talk about it, it just made his blood boil. How could an insignificant and naïve human like you even dared to think about being remotely happy when he lost everything because of humans? Oh, he would be so thrilled to crush your pathetic dreams of happiness by taking your life. But all that  had to wait until you were stupid enough to let him out.

Well, after the whole Incident™, you, Belphie and Beel had The Talk™ because you wanted to start over, forgive and forget and give yourselves a new chance at friendship.

Who knew you two would become such good friends??

When you weren't busy doing your tasks or studying for class, you would be with Belphie, napping and recharging energy in the most weird places. One time, Lucifer found both of you sleeping hanging from the horns of that demon head at the entrance.

Somehow you would always get dragged with Belphie's pranks at Lucifer, and more often than not, you were the reason he stopped from doing the really dangerous ones, something that the Avatar of Pride was mildly grateful for, if only you could make his little brother stop completely.

With your new blossoming friendship with the youngest of the demon brothers, you confide in him with your worries about your future. He would listen to you, if he wasn't too tired or if he didn't fall asleep, and in his heart still remained a little bit of the annoyance of hearing you talk about your wedding, but for entirely different reasons.

After everything that happened between the two, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop you from leaving back to the human realm, but it still hurt him to think that he wasted his short time with you trying to trick you instead of enjoying your company.

One night, you were napping in the attic next to him, and he just stared at you, unable to sleep, when your phone started to vibrate unceasingly.

He was annoyed to say the least, thinking that it could wake you up and break his peaceful time with you, so he took it to turn it off when he saw the preview of a concerning amount of texts you were receiving.

He froze reading the previews, (I do not justfy invadig someone else´s privacy at all, but he is a brat and a demon, so he just did it) so he decided to investigate further by unblocking the device and read thoroughly what seemed to be... a confession.

Once he was completely informed of the current situation, he put the phone down, took his own and texted Beel asking him to bring you some comfort snacks, because you were going to need it.

Once he got the confirmation from his twin, he turned to you and, against his own desires, woke you up.

"What is it Belphie?" your sleepy eyes trying to focus on his, your voice barely audible. He was almost convinced to let you go back to sleep and deal with this shit tomorrow. But he stopped himself from giving in to his sin.

"MC, you need to read something"

The severity in his voice helped you clear the haziness from your mind as you sat up.

He knew the moment you were completely awake while you were reading the messages from who, he deduced, was your partner's ex telling you that they were having an affair from at least two years prior to your coming to Devildom and now that you were gone, they were planning to move in together despite all your daily calls and weekly video calls.

When you looked at Belphie, tears clouding your beautiful eyes, he remembered why he hated humanity so much. They didn't hesitate to crush souls as pure and kind as yours, they were selfish bastards.

He held you, firmly pressed against his chest, rubbing your back, while he let you know his feelings against your now ex.

That's when Beel showed up with your favorite snacks in tons. And when he saw the scene before him, Belphie just looked at him while still whispering to you that you have them, he and Beel, that they were going to look after you and that you were going to be fine. Cue to Beel sitting by your side and took you and his twin in his arms, reaffirming the youngest words.

After they helped you calm down, Beel and Belphie offered your snacks and all three of you ate quietly, you were leaning in Belphie's shoulder and he even kept quiet about the crumbs you were spilling on him.

Once you were done and full, you went back to their room, and all three of you decided to join the beds and sleep together for the night. So, you were resting in the twins's bed, in the middle of them, engulfed by their comforting warmth when you felt Belphegor's hand snake his way until he found yours.

"I will never let anyone hurt you ever again" he swore to you, and you fell asleep.

Belphegor would be the type of friend who would diss and bad-mouth your ex to help you feel better, and he definitely teamed up with Satan and Solomon to effectively curse the people who hurt his favorite human so much. How? You'll never know, but one day you found him staring at a wall as if he was reminiscing something with a malicious grin, and when you asked he simply said "I was just wondering how long can a human stand with only three intermittent hours of sleep daily".

You dropped the subject and never brought it up again.

Belphie would make sure no one bothered you, and he kept his promise to you, whenever he wasn't awake and around you, Beel was.

The Avatar of Sloth guarded your dreams, allowing you to sleep soundly and safe, he would steal you to nap the moment he sensed you were feeling down, and the glare he gave to others left no room to argue.

He wouldn't make a move with you, directly, but he would *subtly* and most of the time while falling asleep, let you know about his own feelings so if you did end up falling for this sleepyhead, you would be sure he felt the same.

"Belphegor?" you whispered while you both were in the middle of one of your napping sessions, snuggling up to him more.

"Mm?"

"I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life"

You didn't see him, but you felt him hugging you closer to him, tangling his legs with yours, pressing kisses to your head. But he would still tease you.

"Took you long enough, MC"

Again, thank you so much for reading all of this long ass headcanon. I hope you have a great day, and remember to take breaks and stay hydrated. 

P.s: In case you haven’t found it, here’s Part 1

[nerdygaymormon]

Sometimes I really hate being Bi. I know know the Church is true and I'll never leave it, but man is it a struggle. I started to think I was Bi on my Mission, and wow, that was scary. Ever since I got home, little over a year ago, I feel like I'm attracted to women more and more and I hate it. (I know I'm Bi and not Lesbian.) I see a cute gal, and I want cuddles and dates, and so many other things, but I can't act on it. (Especially since I'm at BYUI.) Do you have any tips on not hating yourself

Everyone has some things about themselves they don’t like or about which they’re hyper-critical. Often these are about not living up to our ideals, actions we wish we had or hadn’t done, not living up to some societal ideal, about a failure in our life. This is normal and part of being human. 

Queer people in particular must deal with self-hatred that goes beyond just a normal part of being human. We grow up hearing negative messages about people like us and we internalize those messages. And often we have an inner voice that is authoritative and may sound like our parents or religious leaders and thus when it speaks to us, that voice gives those messages extra heft. These things cause us to see ourselves as lesser and to feel shame over our feelings and how we experience life. 

An important part of unraveling this self-loathing is to recognize the negative messages, refute them, and replace them. 

For example, your world won’t end just because you’re bi. Some people may view you differently if they find out, but a lot of people will continue to respect and love you. Perhaps you’ll lose some people, but you will not lose everything and everybody you care about.

That’s recognizing and refuting the negative messages, now let’s replace them. Being bi is a wonderful part of what makes me the person I am and I’m lucky because it brings many important gifts into my life. I can find beauty and love that others miss. 

When you’re at church or school and hear a negative message about queer people, push back against it. You can raise your hand and speak up. If you’re not feeling brave in that moment, it’s okay, and explain to yourself why that comment was wrong and replace it with a positive comment. 

Another thing you may have heard is that being gay or bi is a choice or the result of a lack of faith or some other reason. Fact is that it’s biological and a natural part of this world. This is literally how we’re made. 

Associate with other LGBTQIA people. 

I always feel so much better after I’ve been with other queer people. Being with them helps fight the things I was taught about the queer community, I can see & experience that they are normal people. They are fun, loving, caring, and supportive, exactly the opposite of what I’d been told. You can attend USGA-Rexburg and there’s a new resource center going up in town. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spends quite a bit of time teaching and celebrating early pioneers. It’s quite a legacy and something to be proud of. The same is true of the queer community, we have amazing pioneers. We are a brave people. You have claim to two incredible legacies. Read about some of our queer Mormon heroes of the last decade.

Shame withers in sunshine

If you’re not yet out to friends and family, that’s okay, you have a blog and can write about your experiences and thoughts online. You can also find & connect with other queer Mormons. 

One thing I’ve experienced, which has surprised me is that as I write and post about things of which I was embarrassed, the shame associated with them goes away. By sharing with others, it is no longer a secret that needs to be hidden, but something I’m taking ownership of. 

If you’re awesome on paper, then you’re awesome in person

I used to know that I could write things on paper about myself that would sound great, but I didn’t have positive feelings about them. That person on the paper looked good, but somehow I didn’t have those same feelings about myself. I was the first person in my family to get a college degree, I now have an MBA, I served a mission, I am the favorite uncle in my family, I play the piano, I am kind and trusted and so on. 

Learn to draw boundaries

Often when we don’t feel great about ourselves, we make up for that by seeking the approval of others, more so than is usual or healthy. We end up agreeing to do things we may not want to do just so that we seem agreeable and worthy of their approval, even from people we don’t care about that much. There is power in being able to say “no.” Schedule time to get your school work done, to participate in activities you enjoy, in having time for friends, for contributing to the community. You can agree to spend time helping others with things they want, but protect your boundaries and don’t overstretch yourself. 

Boundaries also are important when it comes to people and messages you associate with. Try to find allies and queer people that you can associate with. Even if you’re not “out,” you can present yourself as an ally and be with people who express positivity about queerness. 

You don’t have to accept everything you hear at church, what church leaders have said, or even all the “doctrine.” Church leaders have been tragically wrong in the past, they are not perfect conveyers of the love of our Heavenly Parents. You don’t have to believe the terrible things taught about LGBTQ people. I know this is easier said than done. It helps if you’ve experienced God’s love for you, or if you’ve thought about how illogical it would be for loving Heavenly Parents to send queer children to earth with no way for them to express who they are or to have happiness. We are supposed to experience joy in this life. 

Take care of your health

When I met with a psychologist because I was suicidal and also wanted help with my internalized homophobia and low-self esteem, the first things we discussed were if I was getting enough sleep, was I eating a healthy diet, was I getting exercise. Our physical well-being contributes to our mental well-being. Sometimes a good cry is what I need to express the feelings I’m having, followed by a nap, then I feel much better. 

Allow for growth and forgiveness

We all learn and change and grow. As others grow in understanding and do better, allow them the grace of forgiveness by recognizing things said by their past selves were said in ignorance and recognize the growth they’ve undergone. This also applies to you and your past self. 

A common exercise that helps is to think of what you would say to someone else in a similar position. So often we speak of love and acceptance and not being hard on themselves, and it’s pretty great advice which we could apply to ourselves. Another exercise is to have a picture of our younger self, or even of just some young person around ages 5~12, and know that they are going to grow up queer, what advice would you give them? You deserve the same compassion, kindness and love that you show to others. 

Growth and change also happens to our faith. Here’s a post where I shared about faith transitions and I found it very helpful in understanding how I experience my faith is different from my family, it’s because we’re in different stages. 

Take pride in trying, not in failure or success

Coming out is freaking hard and takes a lot of courage. Like a lot of things in life, many people attempt to do this and then fail, they back down, the moment feels wrong, they get panicked, or whatever reason. Failure isn’t the worst thing, not trying is. And the more we try, the more successes we’ll eventually have. And once you have some wins under your belt, it gets easier to do those things that were once hard. 

When being bi brings happiness, it’s easier to love this about yourself

For so many people, being queer is only associated with negative things in their life, but when you can start associating it with positive things it becomes easier to accept and love this part of yourself. When you have queer friends, when you have experienced the excitement of a crush on a boy and on a girl, when you go on dates, or someone sends a message that your posts about your feelings really helped them, those positive experiences will be associated with being bi. 

Add voices and writings that affirm you and your experiences

So often scriptures are used as a weapon against queer people. A lot of people think they know what the Bible says about queer people based on a few verses pulled out of context, but they’ve not put in any real study to the original language, situation or what those verses read like when put back in context. Nor are they aware that there’s also positive scriptures about queer people. I put together a collection of things I learned that I hope will help others. 

This year I’ve really been enjoying the Beyond the Block podcast, which has a Black man and a gay man discuss each week’s Come, Follow Me lesson. I also have liked the Faithful Feminists podcast. Both of those podcast highlight principles and concepts from the scriptures which are important for marginalized people. 

Find blogs, podcasts, books, videos, lectures, classes, twitter accounts and whatever else that helps affirm you and helps you understand yourself.

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.

Levi POV

The other members of the squad gathered to see me spar with the new girl. I've only taken her into my squad because Shadis bragged about how good she was on the combat stimulated graduation test. "If trained by you, she'll be a very efficient titan slayer. However, she seems to work best alone, and when you give her some respect. She strangled a cadet to unconsciousness once for catcalling her. That's the only time she got in trouble with the rules." Shadis explained. I, however, wasn't going to give 'respect' to some privileged cadet who's much younger than I am. He mentioned she's as good as I am but I doubt it because she looks like she can barely lift a rock. Her big mouth back at the courtroom didn't improve my views on her either. A weak brat with a big mouth is as shitty as horse shit in a stable. She did have something different about her though. Her eyes, they held the same expression as mine. "Am I judging her wrong?" I wondered internally before putting the thought aside because what possibly can happen to a privileged brat who lived all her life up here? Dead parents? That happened to pretty much everyone in the undergrounds. As we reached the middle of the courtyard, I saw her take a defensive stance. "Hmm, that is a pretty good strategy" I thought. This means she wants to access my attacking style before attacking me. But it isn't too easy to predict me. With that, I threw a kick at her.

Your POV

He figured out my plan about the defensive strategy. I could see it in his eyes. His face was expressionless but his eyes gave it away. I understood because I never bring what I feel onto my face either. He came close to land a punch on me but I knew it could be a kick as well since he already figured out my plan. I was right and he did through a kick. I caught his leg and tried to twist it so that he would fall down but surprisingly, he just used his other leg to kick at my face. I held it at the last moment but that made him wrap his leg on my neck and throwing me to the ground. He wasn't using any particular fighting technique. He went from offensive to defensive and the other way around in a matter of moments. He made up his moves along the way.

Now that I knew his tactics, I took advantage of my aerobics skills and grabbed his neck from behind with my legs as he was over me holding my hands securely and putting a leg on my back so that I couldn't move while I was on the ground with my nose on the floor. As I choked him, he released my hand to remove my feet from his neck. I took the advantage of it and used my hand to remove his leg from my back and slid away from underneath him. However he caught my leg and as I fell down, he pinned my hands with his legs and my legs with his hands. There was only one thing to do now but that made me feel uncomfortable beyond measures. He wouldn't expect this attack in any way because most people in the army were strong but not flexible enough to do this. I had to thank my childhood in the underground for this as the amount of stretching I went through all my childhood made me flexible enough to ace all the aerobic lessons my aerobics instructor threw at me back when I trained with Uncle Erwin.

"You privileged brats don't know the importance of survival. All you can do is bark like a street dog, trying to make your whims justified. No wonder you can't win. If you have never seen death right infront of your eyes, you can't take a fight seriously. This is what brats like you should get for trying to act like grownups and interfering when your superiors are talking" he said with his monotone voice. A flash of memory went through my head. The picture of a darkened room, the blood splattered on the floor, the many hands approaching me. I knew I had to do something.

Levi POV

I had her now. She did put up a good fight but she definitely didn't last too long. Just when I was thinking this, I saw her boots sliding off and her legs shooting out and then she sat on my face. Leaving out the part about how embarrassing it was, that clearly was something I didn't see coming. She pinned my arms and legs with immense speed using her hands and legs because she couldn't hold it alone with her hands. "I surrender" I grunted because my face was being squished. She got up and saluted me. Everyone was staring dumbstruck. I personally was caught aback with that move. She was looking down on the ground trying to hide her face because she probably was blushing. I had to admit she was good. Being able to bend so much without breaking her back was an immense feat. She was second in command material. I finally understood what Shadis was implying. She doesn't deal with criticism well. Her fighting techniques were impressive enough to gain my respect though, even if she was a subordinate. I decided that I would respect her as an equal since that probably would lead her to trust me and help me to train her to make use of her skills in the most efficient way possible. Maybe I judged her wrong because someone with a privileged life wouldn't be able to react like that to a simple sentence... Her name seemed familiar too...

"I suppose Shadis wasn't lying. You are really talented. I couldn't have predicted that move but please do try not to sit on people's faces because it's awkward." I said keeping my normal monotone voice. "Sorry sir. This won't happen again" She answered, embarrassment clear in her eyes. "You have the quality to be second in command. However, I'll see how good you are on our next expedition and then think about it. You're dismissed. Get me a cup of tea at my office in one hour, Petra" I stated before going back in the castle to take a shower. The fight made me filthy.

Your POV

As embarassing as it was, I won against the strongest soldier of humanity. I was only able to win because he wasn't too tall and I surprised him by sitting on his face. He probably didn't expect a girl to do something like that. Not to mention that my flexibility gave me certain advantages in combat. I wouldn't have won against him otherwise because he's very much stronger than I am. Everyone was staring at me and once Levi left, Petra, Eren and three other men came towards me awestruck. "YOU ACTUALLY DEFEATED LEVI HEICHOU!" Petra screamed. "I thought he was gonna kill you" said Eren with a bright expression. "Well, you did pretty good for a rookie though. I'm Oluo Bozado. Call me Oluo" said one of the three men. "I see you will take my post as second in command in no time" Eld Jinn sighed. I knew him from the newspapers. With that, Eren went back to his chores already since it was clear that he was scared of Levi heichou to death. "She clearly deserves to be second in command given that you never won against heichou" said the other man. "Well, Gunther, atleast I didn't piss my pants like Petra and Oluo here when I first saw titans" said Eld. "It wasn't anything notable. I have much to learn." I answered to them. "Oh come on! Don't be so sour! Lighten up a bit!" Petra laughed, invading my personal space by hugging me out of nowhere. Did she really not get the message that I don't like people around me? "Well, I'll take a shower" I muttered before leaving. I made my contribution to the conversation and went to the bathroom.

After washing my body, I took a blade in my hand as usual and started making clean strokes on my back. Tears streamed from my eyes as my back was bleeding from the not-too-deep wounds but I didn't make any noise. This was the only way I knew to cope with my demons. This reminded of my childhood. Being hurt was what I was born for and I didn’t know how to live without it. The things Levi heichou told me triggered every emotions all at once. I wanted to kill him for denying the fact that I faced all those things that no one should face. I wanted to get rid of the whole squad for being so damn noisy and getting in my personal space. I needed the pain to calm down. "It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts..." my mind kept muttering like it did every day back in the underground. "I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive..." my mind consoled me with every stroke of the blade. This helped me keep my sanity back in the underground. As long as I was alive and I felt the pain, I would be alright.

"Ugh these disgusting food will give me constipation like Levi Heichou. No wonder he looks like someone slapped him all the time" I heard Petra's voice and before I could do anything, the door of the bathroom opened and Petra saw me. She looked petrified to see me naked, crying and bloody and she lunged at me, trying to take the blade from me but I kicked her in the stomach and pushed her out of the bathroom and locked the door. "Damn it, I shouldn't have forgotten to lock" I thought. Petra called at me a while after I asked her to mind her own business and then she left the room. By then I bandaged my back as usual and was cleaning the blood off the washroom when I heard a loud banging of the door and Corporal Levi's voice saying "Open the damn door brat!". I hid the blade and got dressed quickly and opened the door. " Petra told me that you were cutting yourself. Is that true?" he asked firmly. "Yes but it's not her damn business to poke her nose into everything I do" I replied with a cold glare at Petra which made her flinch. "What's your name Cadet?" Levi heichou asked with pure anger in his eyes. "(Y/N) (L/N) Sir." I replied with a calm voice. "And where are you from?" he asked with the same expression. "From Shiganshina District Sir." I replied. Some sort of realization spreaded across his eyes.

He turned to Petra and surprisingly, he only asked her to give me some antiseptic cream before he left. Petra did what he asked but kept giving me a sympathetic look. "Petra, stop with that pitying look that you're giving me. I don't need it" I told her while we were making lunch together. "I'm sorry." she replied but didn't stop with the sympathetic looks. I decided to let it slide. I didn't talk much at lunch except for when Eld asked me about my graduation results. They were mostly busy talking to themselves about how I beat Levi heichou until Levi heichou himself arrived shutting all of their mouths. After lunch, Oluo and Gunther were doing the dishes and I took a new book from my bag and went near the pond behind the castle to read it. The stairs of the bank was clean. Levi heichou probably made Eren clean it. "I see you're into reading too" I heard Levi heichou's voice. I stood up and saluted. He nodded and sat on the stairs too. "You can sit cadet" he said in his monotone voice. I sat at my place glad that he kept a good distance from me.

"Are you the girl who killed that Garrison soldier? " heichou asked without looking at me. "Yes sir." I replied calmly. I should've expected this to come up. "I read that book. It's a good one" he said, again with his usual monotone voice but that sentence made me blush. Levi heichou reads romance books with machoism in it? "You probably would like the book more as it is from a girl's point of view. After all, you do seem to cut yourself" he said. "It's not like that, heichou. I suppose cutting myself reminds me that I'm alive and I can make everything right. I feel like this book portrays it well because as long as you feel pain, you can still hope to feel happiness someday. When you stop feeling pain, you're either dead or too numb to feel anything. I honestly would like to keep feeling because when someone is numbed, all that's left for them is to die." I answered.

"I've heard something similar to that. About having no regrets. I suppose you can only have regrets when you're numb as you wouldn't have anything to live for. So, I guess that makes sense." he replied. "Heichou, please don't mind me asking, but, why are you alive?" my mouth blurted out. "Well, honestly, I don't know. Probably because humanity needs me and I probably am making a difference? I don't know really." he answered vaguely. "So, is it pride that's keeping you alive?" I asked him. "No. It's not. You could say, I'm alive because if I can make a contribution to eradicate the titans, I will feel worthy of having a normal life." he answered. It was strange that he talked to me so freely. Is it because I gained his respect by that fight? "So, you want to make things right for yourself and the feeling of worth is what makes you remember that you are alive and well enough to do that." I stated. "Yes. That's it." he replied. With that he started reading another book. After a while I was ensured that he won't make anymore conversation and so I got immersed into my own book.

A week later

Levi heichou decided to train me personally after my first day at his squad. He told me that I had potential but I wasn't doing things right and just agility won't get me anywhere. Thus, I needed to build my strength. Yesterday, Levi heichou found me cleaning the stables as he ordered me to do so after I spilled a cup of tea on him and apparantly my cleaning was close to flawless which is why, I was excused from every other cleaning duties and was assigned with cleaning his office daily. "I take back everything I said about you getting out of work, (Y/N). You just got handed a death sentence." Eren told me last night at dinner time. "Just don't argue with him when he shouts at you. Answer with 'yes heichou' only." Petra chimed in. "You'll get kicked out of the squad now for sure" Oluo snorted while the others merely gave me pityful looks. "I don't know... It didn't seem too bad when he criticized the way I cleaned the stable... Heichou even helped out to clean the spots I missed." I answered, confused with their statements. "Huh? Levi Heichou shouted at me to clean the stable again during my first time... And he made me do it three times..." Eren answered, quite surprised. "You must be really good at it then..." Petra muttered, sounding quite jealous for some reason. "I suppose I am..." I muttered, eating a spoonful of stew, remembering all the practice I had of cleaning.

I knocked on the door to Levi heichou's office to hear his monotoned voice shout out, "state your name and business.". " It's Cadet (L/N). I'm here for cleaning duties." I told him before he answered me with a "come in". I entered his office with a bucket full of water in one hand, a mop, a broom, a brush and a soap in another, and a dish cloth on my shoulder. Heichou was right, I need to work on building my strength because I felt like my hand was getting torn off by the weight of the huge filled bucket. The buckets in this place were too big to be honest. "You look like you're about to die. Aren't you practicing the exercises that I taught you the other day?" Heichou asked me with an irritated voice as he approached me and snatched the bucket from my hand and placed it infront of a window. I didn't get any time to practice those exercises because...well, I was slacking off due to all the new books in my room. "Sorry, Heichou. I will pay more attention to training from now on." I answered, with a speck of guilt in my voice since I didn't join the military to slack off. Heichou didn't reply to that and went back to his desk to continue his paperworks.

I started with cleaning the window, using the brush and soap to clean the windowsill. It didn't take too long as the place was pretty clean. Then I moved on to the furnitures, using water from the bucket to get the dirt off. I cleaned all the furnitures in silence except the desk, as I thought that disturbing Levi heichou wasn't a good idea. Then I used the brush to start scrubbing the floor. Just like I used to do back in the underground. "People usually start with the mop but I prefer what you're doing." I heard heichou comment. "Thank you." I replied and continued scrubbing. "Where did you learn to clean?" he asked me after a few moments. The question made me pause everything that I was doing momentarily but I collected myself almost immediately and answered, "Back in the underground." "I see. Seems like people from the underground are better at cleaning than the ones up here. Talk about irony." Heichou scoffed. "I believe that they don't have that need to clean because they take the cleanliness for granted." I replied, not taking my concentration off from scrubbing. "You're right." Heichou answered.

After a few more moments, I heard him say, "Back when I was a kid, I had the fortune to spend a whole day in a room with a corpse in it. It started to smell at the end and I decided that I would not tolerate filth ever again because it reminds me of rotting corpses.". Did he just share a childhood experience with me? Why would he do that? Is it because we both have similar backgrounds? These thoughts filled my head for a moment before I remembered that I never talked about my childhood with anyone. I never did it because I didn't expect anyone to understand. I assumed that they would think I'm a freak. Is that how Levi heichou felt too? If that's the case, maybe letting some burden off my chest by talking to him won't hurt. Ofcourse, I wouldn't tell him everything about myself but a random experience won't hurt.

"How much do you know about me?" I asked him. He seemed to be surprised by the question. "You were rescued from a brothel in the underground and you killed a guy from the garrison. Why do you ask?" he asked me. "Well, when I was a kid, I was locked into this room by the pimp. It had this small window on top of the wall that I couldn't reach. Almost no light came out of that window and I used to sit on that speck of light as I was scared of the darkness. So, the pimp came in that room with a lamp every day to clean up the mess and I used to take as much time as possible to clean cause I wanted the light to stay there for as long as possible. I guess, that's what gave me my habbit to clean. Oh, and about that question, I asked it to determine how much I can tell you." I answered, not looking up from the floor. "You used to live at a brothel? I didn't know... I'm sorry about that. I grew up in a brothel too." Heichou told me, his eyes showing that he understood me.

However, he didn't understand. No one here could. "I'm sorry too. Because you had to go through that. Being around a corpse doesn't feel good." I answered quietly. Thus, with that, a friendly relationship with heichou began, as we would talk every day when I came to clean his room, each time finding out that we understood eachother more than anyone else ever could.

To be continued

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder, @realityisoftendisapointing

[tk-productions]

Mystic Sisters- Ch.8 Sunet

“ What the hell happened out there? You had a simple mission and it fell through. Explain yourselves!” The older women yelled from her desk at the two teenage boys in front of her. 

“We were attacked, you didn't send backup like we asked!” The older of the two boys shot back now standing in front of the desk. 

“Who the hell do you think you are? Don't get smart with me Riyoshi!”

“Can we just take our punishment and go?” The younger one asked standing up from his chair.

“Both of you go back to your rooms and await your punishment.” The two boys walked down the long dark halls back to their rooms in silence. 

“Why’d you have to talk back? You couldn't have just let her yell at us like she normally does could you?”

“Cuz I felt like it, alright? If you don't like it too bad.” Riyoshi said hotly as he walked back to his room completely unbothered.

“Can you at least not get me mixed up in your issues!” 

“Bye Akio!” Riyoshi yelled back while throwing up the peace sign.

“I really hate him sometimes.” Akio walked into his room slamming his door behind him.

Akio tossed himself onto his bed sighing heavily. He stared up at the ceiling of the dark room. He had grown accustomed to being alone besides when he was with Riyoshi. His route had been the same as long as he could remember. Wake up early. Breakfast. Training. There was never any room for change. Everyone here had a goal and needed to do everything to complete that goal. He didn't remember much of his childhood. This was the only life he knew. 

“Aye Akio you up? Amelia summoned us, let's go.” Riyoshi said as he walked Akio’s room without even a warning.

“You really should learn to knock.” Akio stated grumpy but Riyoshi was already walking out of his room towards Amelia’s office.

“That was rude man.”

“If you're gonna whine at least whine about the fact that we are about to be punished for a mistake we didn’t even make. Or the fact that the people we called friends lied to Amelia to save their own asses.” Riyoshi said as he looked Akio in the eye.

“Yea but what's done is done, you can’t just stay angry.” Akio calmly replied

Riyoshi just shook his head then kept walking to Amelia’s office. Akio sighed and followed after him. Amelia was typing furiously behind her computer when they arrived. She sat there with her hands moving a mile a minute.

“You wanted to see us?” Riyoshi spoke up after a few minutes. Amelia finally looked up and starred at the boys for a few seconds before returning her attention back to her computer.

“Hmm yeah, you're off the hook for now. Go get changed for training.”

“That's not like her.” Akio said once they were out of earshot. 

“She probably has something bigger planned for us.” The boys shared a defeated look before going inside their rooms. It wasn't too long after when Riyoshi came knocking on Akio's door. 

“Riyoshi I swear you better want something. I was almost asleep.” Akio said grumpily, opening his door to see Riyoshi dressed in his all black training uniform. He sighed knowing what this meant. 

“Get dressed. We have to be in the training room at 10. And fix your bedhead” 

Riyoshi Pov

Akio and I walked into the training room were the rest of our team mates from the mission were. Some other guys who were training to be on our level. Akio and I  started to train a little but on our own as we waited for the instructor. Well until Levi decided to open his mouth.

“Aye Akio how was your chat with Amelia huh.” Levi had a smile on his face that only widened when Akio didn’t answer him. “Hey Riyoshi your boy is very quiet over there probably because Amelia finally punished her favorties for being dumb asses.” Levi started to Laugh and so did everyone else. 

“Why don’t you just shut up Levi. Don’t make me embarrass you because I will.” I said with a blank face, annoyed.

“You guys thought you were untouchable huh but even the so-called best gets punished.” He laughed again but quickly shut his mouth as I lunged at him.

Akio grabbed me before I could touch the bastard. “You forgot the most important part where you were actually the one that fucked up and we saved your ass. You got the rest of the team to lie for you!” I yelled, pushing Akio off of me and grabbing Levi by his shirt. “If this is how you treat someone who saved your life then I’ll just leave you to die next time around you little shit.” 

Letting go of Levi’s shirt and punching him dead in the face. When he hit the ground I walked back over to Akio who looked at me while shaking his head.

“You have no self control. You could have at least waited till there were no witnesses and we could have done more damage.” Akio looked at me disappointedly.

“Sorry man I couldn’t help it he was basically asking for it and my fist was dying to give him what he wanted.” I laughed rubbing my hand on the back of my head. 

“I think you broke my nose!” Levi yelled getting up looking at me with wide eyes.

“You act as if it won’t heal in probably 20 minutes so stop crying.” Akio told Levi with a smile on his face. 

“Shut up Akio!” Levi yelled before he charged at me, throwing a punch towards my face I dodged it then punched him right in the stomach causing him to stumble back.

“You should back off. Don't continue to push him because you're gonna get hurt.”  Akio told Levi with a more serious tone.

Levi of course didn’t listen to Akio and continued to charge at me. Throwing punches at me left and right out of anger. He had  no agenda on how he was gonna take me down which was very disappointing. I thought I was gonna have a good fight. I threw a couple punches at Levi all landing right where it hurt before finishing him off with an uppercut and watching him fall to the ground in defeat.

“What the hell is going on in here!” Instructor J questioned walking up to us

“Levi wanted to fight me and I gave him what he wanted.” I said point blankly. Akio elbowed me in the gut in response and I just looked at him and shrugged.

“Riyoshi goes to see Amelia now. Akio go with him.” Instructor J ordered.

I walked away, not looking back. My head held high and Akio followed me not like it’s our first time in her office anyway. 

“Ha!, that’s what you get!” Levi yelled after me. “Levi, you will be visiting her office after they return so stop celebrating.” Instructor J clarified. Levi’s smile fell from his face and the rest of the class laughed as Akio and I left the room.

We walked into Amelia’s office completely unbothered and sat down in the seats across from her desk in the same spots we were sitting in just a few hours ago. Amelia just looked at us a little bit annoyed.

“Why is it every time I turn around you're in my office?” Amelia said as she rested her hand on her face.

“Levi wouldn’t leave us alone and you know Ryoshi has a temper. When the fists started flying there was nothing I could do by that point.” Akio answered honestly with a sigh.

“Well Riyoshi I understand the situation but I'm gonna have to punish you so for the next couple days help out Mia in the kitchen.” She told me and I nodded my head.

“Wait we have to trust Riyoshi with our food.” Akio said laughing while Amelia just looked at him “Not just him but you as well since you think this is funny.” Akio stopped laughing instantly as he looked at Amelia.

“But I didn’t do anything!” Akio whined.

“Exactly you could have stopped the fight and you didn’t and that's why you will join him in the kitchen.” She explained nonchalantly

Now it was my turn to laugh as I looked him in the eye. “Not funny anymore huh.”

Amelia looked at us in amusement before regaining her composure. “Ok boys listen up I have a bigger task for you.”She grabs two files and hands them both to me and Akio. We Immediately opened the files and saw pictures of these two girls and all the information on them. 

“The girls you've been watching for months. They are very important to this organization and I decided to choose you for the mission because of your age you're more likely to get close enough without any suspicions.” Amelia looked at us seriously as she spoke

“Why are they so important? What did they do.” I asked curiously looking at the girls' pictures. 

“They're of the royal bloodline of vampires but these two girls possess a power like no other.That’s all I can say for now until you bring the girls back here by the sunset.” Amelia looked at us again but with more determination in her eyes. “I’m really sticking my neck out for you by putting you on this mission so don’t let me down.” 

“We won’t. You have my word Amelia.” I told her and Akio agreed. 

“Ok now get back to training and stay out of trouble! If I see you here one more time it’s both your asses.” Amelia snapped before resting back in her chair.

Akio and I looked at each other and walked back towards the training room but we stopped by our rooms and left the files there since the others would probably be very nosey and we don’t have time for that.

Looking at the file one more time. “Why sunset?” I questioned.

[mcshiiin]

Title: Not My Energy

Pairings: KageHina

Sypnosis: A short, sad songfic about the two where Hinata lost his ability to fly

Song used: Not my Energy by IV of Spades

[A/n: Thank you for reading! I hope u enjoy huhu]

"I've ran out of reasons, reasons to comfort my mind."

Harbingers of daybreak busted his windows open. With gleaming dark eyes and sleek black talons, a crow stared straight to his soul. A sudden prickling sensation running from his toes began clobbering his body, rendering him paralyzed. Panting... Gasping... Drowning his mind in a sea of sorrow.

"Illusions, delusions. Confusions are running inside."

Hinata, despite sinking down the shallow waters feels as if he's floating mid-ar, going "boing boing". Slowly plummeting down the sea floor, he never hit the bottom. Instead, he landed rather harshly on the plywood surface of the gym. A familiar stinging pain on his palm smiled at him viciously. Taken aback, he grabbed his thumping, hollow chest and inhaled as much air as he could. An unforgiving force clashed against his torso, almost obliteraring him before the ceiling collapsed.

"Pale lips and dark lies has conquered the dreamer's eyes."

Poring dreamily at the honey glazed tree tops with hooded eyes, a sigh escaped from his drought ridden lips. While licking away the parchness on his lips, a worried yet kind gaze cut through him from the opened door.

"Sho-kun, you're going to be alright. Don't worry sweetie, we're here for you."

"Nii-chan! Hang in there. I love you!"

The warmth from his sister's hug dissipated into thin air. The soft caress from his Mom ghosted above his puffed out cheeks. Forcing his lips to curl upwards, he fooled them. Just as how their words of affirmation and consolidation were mere lies to comfort him.

" 'Cause there is something in those eyes I can never find, boy."

"Hinata boke..."

Shoyo swore Kageyama's voice were softer than ever. Terrified to face him, the bed ridden boy looked away. His bones shaking. His muscles tensed up.

"I don't want to dive in those same steel blue orbs..."

He kept his mouth silent. He kept his resolve solid. Then it crumbled down.

A feverish touch was ignited from Kageyama's fingertips grazing atop Hinata's trembling hand. The setter is careful enough not to break him, delicately and softly, he slid his hand and interwined it with his partner's. Shoyo's ribcage shattered, his throbbing heart and strained heartstrings tore it down.

His orbs stung with pain as he stared back at steel blue ones.

"I'm sick and tired of the noices, the voices. Everything seems magical."

"We're here for you, Hinata."

"Call us anytime!"

"I'm sure everything will be figured out by the adults. Cheer up, Hinata!"

"Let's buy popsicles when you're discharged, ne Shoyo?"

"Here's some food for you, eat up. You're getting thinner. Ne? I'm the best senpai aren't I?"

"gET WELL SOON AND WE'LL PRAY FOR YOU!"

"Don't worry too much. Idiots don't get sick, tch."

"Tsukki's right, you'll be okay, Hinata."

"I--no we, are here for you. Don't worry about catching up to class, I can teach you anytime!"

"Get some rest and take care please."

"I won't bother you with my words, Hinata-kun. You'll be okay, I'll pray for it."

"Rest up well, kid."

Everything and everyone seemed to pass by in a blur. Their faces muddled together like a murky pond. Indis​cern​ible. Chafing. Quaint. As if it never happened, as if he never heard anything.

"I'm sorry but there's nothing that we can do..."

"D-doctor no-!"

What? He heard nothing. His mother's face didn't crumple to despair. Her hands didn't ball into a fist. Her lips did not quiver. She never looked at him with those eyes.

No. Natsu is a sweet and clingy sister, her hugging him to death is nothing. She always said that his hands are rough, calloused, and big. They're also warm, and emollient. Maybe that's why she's holding it tight. Oh? Natsu is drooling. He chuckled, overseeing the shuddering figure of his dear sister.

 

Such an ethereal dream it is.

"And yes, my mind is awakened, dead conscience. Eveyday's a torture for me."

Panting heavily whilst swimming in a sea if sweat, Shoyo is wide awake. But, awake from what? Running away from what, his reality or his nightmares? Scampering to and fro, for what? Just to slam his head on a rock, trying to shake his dreams up.

He doesn't know what's hounding hin anymore.

He run a hand through his thick tuft of hair, unable to get back to sleep. A frown creeping up on his lips as he tries to pry his gaze to his legs. His world stilled. His breathing stopped. His mind blown to smithereens.

It hurts. The seering pain from mid-thigh down to his calf. It hurts, so he screamed.

"No I am not holding on to the darkness, 'cause you're already in my mind."

Natsu must be lying, his hands isn't big at all! She probably hasn't seen Kageyama's slender, setter hands. They look also pretty. Tobio's obviously taking good care of it, he bet that he goes as far as taking it to the nail salon. He's both dilligent and an idiot. He wants himself to be in a perfect condition so he can exert his best every game.

Shoyo wonders what lotion his setter is using. He want to buy one for himself too. How irksome it is to look at your partner's long fingers, perfectly groomed nails (it must be nice to have a manicure once), and mosturized, vanilla scented palms whilst yours is anything like that.

"Hmm spacing out?"

Tobio snaked his arms to his frail waist. Nudging his face deep into Shoyo's neck. So warm. So cool. So comfortable. Too real.

"Nah, I'm barely hanging."

"And if you would walk alone, then just do it. The clock is ticking backwards."

A tall, tall wall looms before him. The view from the top. He wants to see it. But he never can, unless alone.

And now, he's more alone than ever.

"Onigiri, pork buns, curry, what do you want honey?"

He's out in the cold again. Jumping higher, digging deeper, receiving with his face to no end. Wheezing as his body thrives, playing as his blood pulsiates. His heart more alive than before. His grin toothier than before. Hinata Shoyo loving too hard ever than before.

The pure joy from he gets from being with the team. The steam he emitts whenever Tsukishima pushes his buttons as Yamaguchi fell in line with laughing at him. The always fidgetty Yachi and Asahi-san. His superb senpais. That reminds him, he need to ask Nishinoya-senpai to teach him the rolling thunder double. The hardworking second years, the goddess Kiyoko-san, everyone. Even Daichi-san's roaring voice along with Suga-san's refreshing smile.

And of course, the skull-crusher milk boy who knows no word except Boke.

"I'm going alone."

"I ain't got it all, I don't care. You're not my energy."

Extending his arms, reaching with his hands, everyone is too far away.

Lying awake for hours, figuring how to run, how to fly.

Then, his bed decided to swallow him up.

A stringent touch engulfed his throat that produced an acrid cry from his mouth. The need for air is urgent, but his compressed windpipes aches with the mere presence of oxygen flowing through. For a second he thought the hold loosen, then his limbs. were vehemently ripped apart.

As blood splattered, his lower region were mangled.

"Your tears are in laughter while your smile is in despair."

Happiness looks good in Kageyama and Natsu. No doubt, hands down, bets raised.

Their carefree laughter bounced off the four walls of his room. Pearly white teeth are exposed as their lips ae stretched up to a smile. As far as their drinking game goes, Natsu is losing. Yes, they're drinking milk, much to Kageyama's delight.

Shoyo lost a long atime ago and the two milk heads are on it. The way their eyebrows knits together in concentration, noses scrunched up, and cheeks puffed out is a sight to see. You don't get to watch Kageyama with a child that doesn't cry within his mere presence, let alone play with him.

"I can't hold it in! I'm going to pee!"

The shorter ball of fluff ran outside as fast as her legs could carry her. Just a little bit more... three more steps... two... then one. She got in!

Natsu came back to her brother wiping his tears as he cackle like a rooster. He reminded her of the Kuroo Tetsurou that he once mentioned, bedhead, hyena laugh and all. When she glanced to her Kageyama-nii-chan, she was almost blinded. His higantic smiles were presented at her boldly. A soft glow from the dying sun illuminated his face. She can feel the love strongly eminating from these two.

Just as the puzzle is coming on together, someone had to filp the table and topple off the pieces.

Whimpers and hiccups. Rattling and rustles. Disintegrating and decaying. Shoyo-nii-chan is crying.

One end of his lips tugged upward. Blood-curling smirk emblazoned on his dainty face. And as she peek at the door opened ajar, tears came rolling down her rosy cheeks, staining the fabric of her shirt with pure sadness that a child can't comprehend. A younger sister shouldn't see her brother's soul being chipped off like that, you know.

"The poison of your tongue has killed all your truthful words."

His throat is a sand paper being stroked on a piece of wood that produces a nasty sound. It aches. It's painful to shout. It's straining. He too doesn't like sound coming off from his mouth. Disdainful words that tarnishes their bond, lacerating sentences that makes him bleed too.

"I don't need you!"

Yes I do.

"Go away!"

Please stay.

"I didn't like the food. It was awful."

They're my favorite, thank you.

"When I said I don't wan't to it, it means I don't! Don't force me!"

Maybe I'm a bit hungry?

"I AM OKAY. I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP I CAN DO IT BY MY FUCKING SELF!"

I am a lost cause.

"Pale lips and dark eyes has broken the dreamer's lies."

He inaudibly shrieked one morning when he woke up. The world was wet with dew as it sleepily waved back at him. He tried to wave back, but the shock of living in monochrome froze him. Then he tumbled down with a thud.

For a moment he forgot what predicament he's in and tried to stand up only to out balance himself and landed face first down their wooden floor. Natsu, who was never asleep the entire night, came rushing by to her brother's room beside hers. Clearly shocked and bemused at her nii-chan's bleeding nose and busted lip, she stood frozen. A part of her wants to laugh but the other half actually feels bad. And good thing she did, because the next scene was horrifying.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

"N-nii-chan..."

"SEND FUCKING HELP!"

A soul was broken.

"There is something in your mind you can never find, boy."

Searching. Wandering. Roaming around an unprecedented area.

What was he seeking?

He alwas have thought that it was the adrenaline. His heart beating so fast, so loud that he can hear it through his ears. An energy flowing deep within, tingling his senses, pricking under his skin. He enjoys the rush, the pain, the smile in his teammates' lips.

Yet when he stared at Kageyama, he realized it wasn't.

What kept him alive...

"Im sick and tired of the voices, the noises. Everything seems magical."

"Hinata boke..."

"Nii-chan."

"Sho-kun!"

"HINATA SHOYO!"

...was love.

"My eyes are hiding the pavements of my vacancy. You can't take the power from me."

Kageyama wish he could hold Shoyo tighter. Peacefully zoning out in his arms, a small drool pooling below his mouth, and beautiful long lashes. So angelic and breathtaking.

Yet he still fears poring directly in his partner's eyes for they scream,

"I'm going to eat you alive."

Placing a kiss atop his head, a sigh escaped his lips. Then, honey-flecked orbs dangerously stared at him. A tremble was awaken inside his body.

"I love you."

The both of then were taken aback by his sudden words. Hinata was left in awe, speechless while Kageyama quickly recovered his composure. He came into terms with his feelings finally just right now, it's now or never.

"I want you more than any perfect toss. It's you that I want to hit my balls. We're partners, aren't we? I want to be by your side, holding you, loving you. We'll drink hundred liters of milk, we'll eat as many pork buns as you want. I want to spend my life with you."

"Kageyama-kun..."

"I know it'a sudden but Hina--!"

"Loving means being alive. Being alive is being able to love,

But you see, living, is not my energy."

-FIN

[harieltaj]

Your mother has convinced her friends to bring their kids over, "for a get-together," she says. "Give the kids a chance to know themselves."

You listen as she makes the call, the date is set and you pray they get food or get in an accident so you don't have to see or interact with them. You flash her a smile when she tells you you're going to love Nduka, her best friend's son. You pray Nduka gets sick, or falls into a well and isn't rescued until the day after the get-together. You realize you're being mean, so you pray the trailer falls on you instead, or you fall into a well and aren't found until the event is over.

You're a pretty girl with large brown eyes. Emeka the potter said it makes you look cute and that was when he kissed you. Inside his room that smelt of burnt clay, you let him fondle your breast. But then you had to leave because your mom had called. That was the last time you saw or spoke to Emeka. He left for his uncle's place in Onitsha and changed his number.

You're short and your petite height is just an added feature to your overflowing beauty. If only you knew Bankole spent all his time reading poems and trying to write one, maybe you'd have been able to see through his bluff and refuse him the chance to place his warm mouth on your breasts. You didn't know and the next time you saw him, he told you he got a message from the Lord; you're not it for him.

Your small mouth is beautiful and your cocoa-colored skin is a work of art drove you to Hassan's hand. It was the accent he spoke with, your belief that love knew no religion or tribe, and the way he paid attention to your every word that made you fall for him. He had the brightest eyes and all these dreams he wanted you to be part of. But then, he had to go abroad and you broke when he told you not to wait for him.

Your sense of fashion is explicable and enviable, the way you let your skirt stop just before your knee is an art only goddesses can achieve. You are a goddess. Vanessa was the best friend you've ever had. Everyone compared her to pawpaw, so yellow and edible. Same height and you both had a great connection; it would have been weird if you didn't end up as friends. She was your hype woman. She cared about you as you did her. Then you walked into Gideon's house, the boy you were dating, and found them tangled in the sheets, going at it like spent swimmers.

Bose was quite the sympathetic soul. She cursed Vanessa and Gideon on your behalf and shut down any attempt they made to talk to you. You were grateful for her; she was heaven sent. Your money ran out quicker than water in the desert. You had to buy for two. She guilt-tripped you whenever you didn't buy for her or said you were broke. She reminded you, in case you suffered amnesia every now and then, that your parents were well to do whereas hers put the poor in poverty. When you didn't give her the money she had asked for, she called you a bad person and told you to prepare yourself because there was no way hell would pass by you. And when you get to hell, because you would, she won't give you a drop of water even if Father Abraham begs her to. She slammed the door after saying you deserved every heartbreak you got.

Samson was your strength. He told you he admired the way you held your head high. He said you were the strongest person he knew because after having your heart broken and used like that, you still put on a brave front and smiled like you didn't have the weight of the world on your shoulders. He said you were a hero and with so much sincerity in his eyes, he said you reminded him so much of his mom. Boys preferred women who reminded them of their mom, everyone said so. You felt like you've hit a gold mine. He was the one for you, but you held out just in case. You gave it up when he told you he loved you in a way only writers could describe.

It was in his apartment. He had kissed you with so much intensity that shook your knees and the only witness was the blue bulb that tried to light up the tiny room. He had raised you up and placed you on the table which, happily, was wood. Plastic wouldn't have been able to support the wave of intensity that was crashing through you. The way his tongue invaded every corner of your mouth made your body go wild. His lips were on your neck suffocating every reasonable thought you could form. He nibbled dedicatedly on your neck, writers would say he was marking you as his. You could still remember thinking that he was about to turn you to a vampire, a clear sign that he was in it for the long haul.

Then he pulled away and kissed you even harder on the lips if only bulbs could narrate. You felt everything he wanted to say. He was in between your legs and your shirt was hitched really high. Your bodies were pressed together and he had one hand on your cheek, holding your face to him, while the other made miracles on your nipple.

He pulled away and placed his forehead on yours. Both of his hands rested on your face and you exchanged air. You watched his eyes close as he struggled to catch his breath. He swallowed a lot and you knew he was trying to control himself. His eyes opened and you felt trapped in the want and love that resided in them. There was lust, plea, and something else. He opened his mouth to say something and shut it back up. You're breathing heavily, anticipating his words, and then finally, he spoke.

"Somto, I love you. I really do. The thought of you consumes me so much that it actually hurts. I can't function without you; you're invading my thoughts."

Your heartbeat could be featured as drums in punk rock. He kissed you, and by Aphrodite, you couldn't form a thought that didn't involve sex. Romance authors should see you; you finally found your prince charming. He unclasped your bra and you whisper his name.

"Samson."

His hand was out from your shirt and resting on your waist. He brushed his lips against yours.

"I need you. Please, don't make me stop."

How many times have you read those words wishing they'd be said to you? Like the million characters you've read about, you gave your book worthy reply.

"I don't want you to."

Your shirt came off as did his. Soon, you were going at it like cavemen. Not on the table, goodness no, Samson couldn't afford to replace it if you ended up breaking it. On his small bed, you gave yourself to him. Funny, the romance books didn't mention that he would cut all forms of connections from you. Maybe they did and you didn't read that part. You were confused and hurt, even more, when you found out it was all a bet and he didn't know his mother. He grew up in an orphanage.

Your self-esteem gave way for insecurity. There had to be something wrong with you. Maybe a curse that made people want to hurt and abandon you. There was no sunshine in your world and gloom and darkness lead you on. You couldn't trust anyone. You faked and pretended your way through it all. at school, premarital hell was condemned. At church, you were announced a candidate of hell. At home, your mother condemned the girls whose stories came out. You could barely breathe.

You're sitting in the dining room and everywhere is packed. Your mom's friends and their kids have arrived. You're watching them talk and exchange pleasantries. The girls in your age grade are sitting close to you at the dining table chatting, but you don't join in. You have your eyes on your siblings, both boys, watching them play host. They're talking with boys and flirting with girls and being cute with kids. One of the girls says the younger boy, the one you're older than, is cute. You say nothing, you smile. You don't tell her he has plans to be a priest because something about people didn't work well with him. The glass of orange juice feels like royalty as you pay it all your attention.

You hear your name and you find your mother and her best friend beckoning for you. You walk over to them, a fake smile in place. Your mother tells you he's here. She points to the young man standing with your older brother. Your mother hands you a mirror and you stare at your twenty-three-year-old face and wonder when the pimples showed up.

Your mother hurries you to him, her and her friend dishing out instructions. You catch only one.

"Be yourself. Nduka doesn't like pretenders."

As you make your way to him, you know Nduka isn't going to love you so much. You search your head for who you truly are. You push past your demons and personalities and you find her sitting by the corner, her knees to her chest, her hands wrapped tightly around her knees. She's crying and hoping the walls she had built won't crumble. She doesn't want to get hurt again. Your brother smiles as you reach them.

As he introduces you to Nduka, you reach for your charming personality and slip it on. Your brother comes up with an excuse and leave. You see your mothers grinning.

"I'm Nduka," he says even though you just been introduced. You flash him a smile and shake his outstretched hand.

"I'm Somto."

When your hands connect, you see her raise her head. Your personalities are thrilled as they rush around prepping to be slipped on. She shakes her head furiously and your personalities are asking her to shut it. She's refusing the idea of him and in your head, you hear her recite her mantra about how she can't take another hurt. You tell her you understand. She doesn't have to worry.

Nduka smiles at you and you smile back. You already know this is a fruitless venture, this wasn't going to lead anywhere. As Nduka tells you the reason you haven't been seeing him around was that he was abroad. You tell her it's okay.

Not today, not ever.