#and i'll just end up suffering through all this for a degree that probably wouldn't even get me anywhere

[wereh0gz]

.

[finalgirlminamurray]

i have liked most of grady hendrix's books that i've read - i liked the southern book club's guide to slaying vampires, i really liked my best friend's exorcism, and i loved how to sell a haunted house (probably my favorite of his work so far). i'm hoping to read horrorstör and maybe also we sold our souls sometime soon. paperbacks from hell was a great and very enjoyable nonfiction read too.

i don't like to judge whether i'll like an author's work based on one book - if i did that after i read the final girl support group i probably wouldn't have read any of hendrix's other novels. i happened to read that one first because it was the only one available at the library and i felt like most of the reviews i'd heard from people whose opinions i usually agreed with were positive, but i was just disappointed by that one, idk. after i finished reading it i found myself basically drafting a whole bullet-pointed list of everything i liked and disliked about it and my criticisms ended up far outnumbering the good points. prime example of a book that could have been good but left me wanting to a frustrating degree. i was really mulling over why it didn't work for me for a while.

didn't help that right afterwards i read my heart is a chainsaw, to which fgsg seriously suffered in comparison. maybe it's not really fair to compare them since the only thing they really have in common is that they're meta-slasher novels released around the same time written by popular modern horror authors, but since i flew through both books in quick succession it was hard not to. the main difference for me is that my heart is a chainsaw is clearly written by someone who loves slasher movies just as much as its main character, and - not to presume anything about the author, but the final girl support group honestly feels like it was written by someone who was interested in deconstructing the genre without really liking it all that much before. hendrix definitely did some research - there are quite a number of name-drop references that you'll get if you've seen a lot of slashers and know a lot of trivia - but i wouldn't be surprised if it was just for that book. when i started reading it i felt like despite not really being a big slasher fan myself i did know enough about the genre to appreciate it, but by the time i finished i was thinking...maybe i actually know too much about the genre to appreciate this.

this ties back to what i was saying earlier about cabin in the woods. this also has the same problem as the scream sequels where it takes place in a world where popular horror movies - in this case, all slasher movies - are directly based on real-life murders, which presents a fundamentally different view of the genre than what it actually is in real life. it makes the story feel like it's trying to be about horror movies and true crime at the same time, and maybe i just have an instinctive hostile response to anything conflating the two in real life but...maybe you should commit to one or the other. in fact, this book really felt like it was trying to be about a lot of different things at once and i don't think it all came together that well.

also not sure the conceit of having all the characters be obvious analogues for specific classic slasher final girls, to the point of most of them being named after the actresses who originally played those characters, worked for me. i think i found it more distracting than anything, probably because i know the movies so well. i would rather have read a novel with original in-universe slasher franchises that maybe fit the archetypes (the supernatural slasher, the rural/backwoods slasher, the summer camp slasher, the meta-slasher, the holiday-themed slasher...) but aren't obviously based on specific real movies. those are fun to come up with. plus, the coexistence of obvious expies of real movies and actual real movies (and even some real filmmakers) made it even harder to tell what the book was trying to do exactly.

(also, because there were so many characters in the titular support group, it inevitably ends up that some of them feel underserved in a book that's supposed to be about solidarity among all these women. don't get me started on the...interesting choice to kill off only one of them, before the main events of the story even begin and before we've properly "met" that character in person, and have that character be the only woman of color in the group. maybe it's meant to comment on the "black guy dies first" trope, but like - if it is, you can't just do that and have it go unremarked upon, right?)

there was some stuff i did like - i think dani (the laurie strode expy) had the most interesting backstory, with her being deeply conflicted over whether she did the right thing in killing her brother or if he was just a heavily drugged mentally ill kid with no idea where he even was, who might not even have been the killer. that's like, an actual take with actual commentary on the movie it's inspired by. wish more of them were like that. also she is a butch lesbian version of laurie strode, that's cool in and of itself. and the main character turning out to specifically be a take on linnea quigley's character from silent night deadly night - she was supposed to be just another victim with a memorable death setpiece, the girl who gets naked/has sex and dies gruesomely, but she happened to survive and is a final girl by technicality. that's cool! that's an unexpected pull!

(if we are going to have a christmas-themed slasher in the lineup, though...why oh why does black christmas never get its fucking due. why does no one ever acknowledge it as one of the classic slashers. it's arguably the most influential since halloween was probably directly inspired by it. carol clover shockingly doesn't mention it once in her book - maybe canadian horror just wasn't as available in the us then? where is the british-canadian girl named olivia who fought off a killer in her sorority house who might have been her anti-choice boyfriend but might still be out there?)

i could go on but at some point most of my criticisms would just feel like nitpicks or me reaching for reasons to dislike it further. i think i just didn't like this book even though a lot of other people did and that's fine. it's been a couple years since i read it. i've said before that murder mysteries and whodunit slashers really aren't my thing most of the time so that could be part of it. if i were to do a more comprehensive review i'd probably have to read it again which...i don't feel like doing. i've got other books to read that i'll probably enjoy more, including some by the same author. he definitely seems to actually like the other subgenres he's written in - vampires, possession, haunted houses - so i do look forward to reading more of his horror fiction. i'm just glad this one didn't turn me off of it

[therhythmafterthesummer]

Bonjour!

Would our werewolves ever suffer from ailments which could affect their shifting? Perhaps being unable to shift into the wolf or not being able to change back? No longer hearing the wolf inside or losing their strength? Stress related or some AU sickness or magic?

How would you think each would handle it?

Sorry for the angst!

-🧁

hallo!!

what an interesting question. my short answer would be that: yes, yes this could potentially exist in this universe. it kinda makes sense to me for wolves to have specific illnesses that a human wouldn't have... things that could affect them not only physically, but also mentally as well!

as for how each would handle being sick... i'll leave some Thoughts under the cut.

Chris: regardless of the ailment, whenever Chris gets sick, he's GONE. he doesn't get sick often, but when he does he just becomes completely useless. can barely take care of himself. if he ever went through periods of not being able to shift it'll take him LONG time to recover. which, if it happens to be that he can't shift from wolf to human, would be very inconvenient. not only because he's got to work to maintain his flat, his house, and his life overall, but also because he wouldn't be able to be with his pretty girl, and that would be what would hurt him the most. on the other hand, if he weren't capable of shifting into his wolf form from his human form, he'd probably feel incredibly frustrated and inadequate bc at the end of the day he's an alpha and his wolf side is part of his pride as a werewolf, if that makes sense.

Minho: manages well enough on his own because he just... grew up taking care of himself. he'll be extra pouty if kitten is close just because he wants attention (she knows he's doing it on purpose, and he knows she knows, you know? lee know). anyway, minho already has trouble figuring out his instincts, so you could kinda say he's pretty much chronically ill on this aspect. unfortunately, this is a thing he carried over from his human self before being turned. he already had a condition, so it makes sense it affects his inner wolf, too.

Changbin: also becomes a bit useless when sick, but to a lesser degree than chris. will still be capable of going through with her day as long as his ailment isn't too serious, and will also heal fairly quickly if he follows doctor's orders religiously, but he'll be super whiny about it the entire time. cranky mood to the max. will snap at people often. not being able to hear his inner wolf or shift from either form would frustrate him, but it wouldn't be crippling.

Hyunjin: this boy is fuelled by spite, and something like being sick won't stop him. fuck everything and everyone, he's gonna keep doing his thing for as long as he can. he's passed out in inconvenient places before because of this mentality lol. heals quickly overall.

Jisung: hardly ever gets sick at all. he's been blessed with amazing health and antibodies. he does, however, tend to suffer from mental related stuff... will try his best not to burden anyone with his problems but will eventually open up to kitten or minho or chris about it.

Felix: hardly ever gets sick as well. his time living in the forest has prepared him for almost anything and made him immune to a lot of things because of it. will be able to push through just fine if he does get sick, though.

Seungmin: will keep any problems to himself. doesn't like it when people worry about him so if he's feeling bad he'll isolate himself until pretty mum figures it out and goes into his flat to pull on his ear. will suffer in silence.... i don't want to add much here because i don't wanna spoil anything i've got planned for seungmin hfdsljkfds

Jeongin: also doesn't like to burden people with his problems, but is definitely more open than seungmin. will also become a little useless when sick, and he'll need a lot of help from his pack mates to get better.

[hebatollah]

Birthday Candles

Yoko Ono once said, “Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90. Time is a concept that humans created.” How old are you?

To tell the truth or keep you guessing, that’s the question. But I’ll tell you the truth.

Take (7)

I’m 37, and I’m told I have an ancient brain that can suddenly shine and easily resign.

My name is Heba, and I think my brain has only been trying to protect me, currently with an episode of amnesia, without my consent. That's the reason why I've been writing this, in case you're wondering. I wanted to remember who I am and how old I am. I'm deeply lost and I'm trying to find my own way.

Once the memories were put back on paper, not only did I remember what I loved and what I achieved, but I also recognized the countless losses I denied. Those losses define me as well. If I can't acknowledge them before I rush into the silver linings, I won't shine. Even if I have what it takes. I will never find home in a home. That's what my brother has been trying to teach me in the last few months, or maybe for his whole life.

To tell you the truth, there are many things lost that I absolutely don’t want back, like my previous job. It surprises me how convenient and sometimes even liberating that loss turned out to be! But the anxiety and the burnout that came with the change will remain unquestionable.

There are also losses that were already replaced by better things, like my bachelors degree. But I can't forget how it costed me long years of stolen self esteem.

There are losses that can always be replaced, no matter how old I get. I have hope that I’ll find love again, but losing the souls I once saw was utterly heartbreaking.. Do I have to go through an actual breakup to hear me say that? No.

And what about the irreversible losses? I heartily believe that my mum is in a better place now, and she’s no longer sick. But I owe it to myself to say out loud that living without her still hurts till today. Nobody is too old to suffer from losing their mum, let alone a 21 years-old. I never honored the loss of my 24x7 best friend after I saw her suffer. I focused on her ending pain rather than my ongoing one. My brain did an amazing job distracting me, and I never realized how damaging that has been.. Why did it take me so long to understand?

And how can I grieve better now? I asked myself on my 37th birthday.

I turned 37 on the day of my brother's funeral. Everybody hugged me on that day, but not the birthday hugs I have been longing for. The baby who became my best friend, backbone and guru before his twenties, grew much faster than I did, and died at 26. My brother wasn’t a simple man, and the lessons he’s teaching me about loss are hard for my brain. I let myself cry and made it about me.

I'm the one who's still tested with life, and should no longer take it for granted. That's one lesson I already learned. I now have more birthday candles to navigate that dark place I escaped in my twenties. This is where I'll take back my throne.

I’m putting together the shattered pieces that I still find important to me. Things might not seem to add up now, but I hope later they'll do. I hope I will be able to see more clearly what needs to be seen, and let the occasional moonlight through my window affirm what I see. I hope I can let it take my breath away every time.

I probably won’t want to celebrate my birthday again, but I will dress up to people who’d show up. I’ll carefully choose my outfits, but they wouldn't lock my foolish heart. I will put on my best make-up, but it won't top my glow when I capture souls, or write a new letter, or watch the moon. New birthday candles might light my fire, or burn me out, or just fade away and go forgotten. But they won’t tell you about the lessons I have to learn fast and slow. They won't dictate how I treat life, or whom I let into my life.

One more truth I have.. I don't look my age at all, and should have kept you guessing!

[ratralsis]

My 18-year-old cat, Tina, passed away today.

Two days ago, she was fine. Perfectly fine. Completely. But she didn't eat much. Yesterday, she barely ate at all, and she seemed wobbly on her feet when she walked around. Today, she wouldn't eat anything. I took her to the emergency vet for a final exam to confirm that there was nothing that could be done, called Lap of Love's local branch on the drive home, and she was euthanized less than four hours later.

Tina has been dealing with kidney and thyroid problems for the last two years. At one point, she weighed 11 pounds, and was a little overweight. I switched her from dry food to wet and she lot a couple of pounds. But once her thyroid became overactive, she dipped below 6. This morning, she weighed only 5.19 pounds. Less than half of what she was at her heaviest.

I didn't love spending $650 today, but it's the last time I'll ever spend money on her, and as long as I don't get a new cat in the next six months, the savings on not having to buy her food anymore will make up for it. Because, yeah, she was costing me over $120 a month in food, pills, and supplements. I still have about two months supply of those left, because I always tried to have about a two-month supply of everything she needed in case I would have trouble getting more. I'm not sure yet what I'll do with it. Probably give the medicine to the local vet, and keep feeding Max the food. I guess I have a four-month supply of it now that there's only one cat eating it.

I adopted Tina on February 14, 2006. It's an easy date to remember because it was Valentine's Day. A friend of a friend had just unexpectedly been forced to deal with kittens being born, and our mutual friend asked everyone he knew, including me, if anyone could take a cat.

I'd just lost a cat. I was still living with my parents and attending a community college to get my Associate's Degree. Spoiler: I did get it. Graduated with a 4.0 GPA and everything! Then I went back to school a couple of years later to get my Bachelor's, where I graduated with a significantly worse GPA.

The previous cat took over a month to die. I watched her go from being able to jump onto my bed from the floor to needing to jump to the chair and then to the bed. Then she needed help getting onto the chair. Then she needed help standing up at all. It broke my heart, and I promised myself I'd never let any cat of mine suffer for that long ever again. At the time, I had no choice, because I was still living with my parents, remember, and my mother refused to have that cat euthanized.

So I knew, years ago, that I would someday have Tina euthanized, too. I wondered for a long time how I'd know when it was time. I had all these little ideas and rules: when she has trouble getting onto the bed at night, then I'll know! Or when she can't climb onto the boxes by the window, then I'll know! But I worried that she'd slowly get worse and worse, and I'd refuse to end her suffering.

Instead, she went from perfectly healthy to unable to stand up long enough to avoid wetting herself in under 48 hours. Truthfully, I hope I'm that lucky when I die. I want to go from walking around and doing everything I want to do to dead in under 48 hours. Ideally, I want to have a stroke and die before I hit the ground. That's the dream. Three days after my 90th birthday. For me, and this applies only to me, hoping to live to be older than 90 just feels greedy, I think.

When I took Tina home from the emergency vet, she was already so weak that she didn't want to get out of her carrier. I had to pick her up and place her under the recliner, in her favorite cozy spot, lying on the blanket that hung over it. She was happy there for many, many days of her life. Today, she was struggling to breathe. I hope she forgave me for making her suffer through that. Her final four hours were the hardest of her 18 years.

The vet who came to my home to euthanize her was named Jessica. She was very kind. She gave Tina an anesthetic to relax her while she was still under the recliner, and I was there in her field of vision as she relaxed and her eyes unfocused. I'll never know if she was awake when we gently retrieved her and carried her to the sofa, where I held her on my lap as Jessica shaved a small patch on her back leg and, after a long conversation, injected the final drug. I held Tina during the entire process, as she coughed and breathed more easily than she had all day. She didn't purr. She didn't react to me scratching her ears. She didn't move her eyes, but they were open the entire time. Her muscles, Jessica told me, were so relaxed that her eyes had relaxed in an open state.

I watched the color fade from her gums and the pads on her paws. Her pink toe beans slowly turned a pale yellow as I held her, and her heartbeat got softer, and her breathing slowed, and then stopped. I was there, holding her on my lap, until the very end.

Max came out a few minutes later. Jessica took a few steps away so Max would be more likely to come and see me, which he did. Max has never liked strangers. He's always been skittish.

I adopted Max eleven years ago, in March of 2013, specifically to keep Tina company. Now it's just him and me. It will take a long time for us both to adjust, I think.

It will take a few nights and a few days for everything to sink in. For me to get used to the idea that Tina isn't here. Starting with the fact that I just put down only half as much food as usual for Max's evening meal, because there's nobody else for him to share it with.

Jessica said she was impressed that Tina was 18 years old. She'd never personally had a cat that old, though she'd tried. She said she could tell from how good Tina's coat looked and how clear her eyes had been that I'd taken good care of her. The truth is, Tina's coat took a lot of work. Tina didn't clean herself much. But I had a wire brush and a softer brush and she would demand that I brush her nearly every day. She was the softest cat I've ever known. Not a day went by that I didn't at least pet her enough to help keep her that way. At least, not a day that I was there with her. There were times when I was out of town and she stayed with my parents again. During those times, she didn't get brushed or pet quite as much, unfortunately.

But she did during her final days, that's for sure.

She was damp when she died. Despite putting her on a clean, dry towel afterward, she did wet herself under the recliner an hour or so after coming home from the vet, and a clean towel could only do so much. She also threw up some foam, so I tried to dry her off with a paper towel, but there was only so much I could do.

I'm glad she died in the summer. In the winter, because the bathroom becomes the coldest room in the house, I keep a space heater in there. So the cats loved spending as much time in the bathroom as possible, where it was a couple of degrees warmer than the rest of the house thanks to the heater. In the summer, Tina always felt like she had a lot more options as far as places to sleep. That included, of course, her favorite cozy spot under the recliner. I was worried that she would die in the bathroom. I'm glad that she didn't.

I'd love to say she was the sweetest cat in the world, but she wasn't. She was terrible. But I loved her more than any other cat I've ever had. She was my favorite, and I'm not afraid to say that even as Max is still alive and sleeping behind me as I type this. Sorry, bud, but I didn't know you since you fit in the palm of my hand. She wasn't the sweetest cat in the world, but she was the best.

The first few days after I brought Tina home, she had a habit of running laps around my bedroom until she was so tired that she didn't know what to do. She couldn't keep running, and she couldn't sleep, so she would just lie in my lap and cry about how tired she was from all the playing she'd done.

Tina would climb onto my bed and sleep next to me at least part of the night starting the very first night I had her. That first night, she licked my earlobe in the exact same spot as the cat I'd had who died a few months earlier, and I cried, because it reminded me so much of the previous cat. Tina didn't do that very many more times. She hadn't done it in years.

Last night, she struggled to get onto the bed, but she managed it. She walked across my body and then laid down on her side, which she'd never done before. She would always slowly lay down on her stomach, then roll onto her side, with her back against my arm. Last night, she laid down directly onto her side, with her back against my body, instead. I sat up and said to her, out loud, "Oh, shit." I pet her and tried to see if I could calm her down, and she started to sit up, because she didn't want to be pet right then. So I laid back down, and she did, too. But she had her legs out, so my right hand was on her front paws. I slid my hand under her front paws, instead, and she flexed her claws and gripped my hand in the way that cats like to put a paw on people to be assured that they're still there. She held my hand, the night before she died.

I don't know how much she knew, but she knew she was sick. She might not have known she was dying, but she knew something was wrong with her. She didn't feel well.

The emergency vet told me that she could feel Tina's kidneys were a little smaller than normal. This is expected for a cat with kidney disease. The kidneys, she told me, shrivel up, like raisins. Like they dehydrate.

Despite my best efforts to give Tina her thyroid medication twice a day, every day, feed her a special diet for her kidneys, and give her a potassium supplement every day, her kidneys finally gave out on her. She lived longer than anybody would have expected. Eighteen long years I had her. Nearly all of my adult life. One of those years were with just me, living together, and then ten with Max.

I kept a lot of plates spinning for a long time, and only one had to crash for her to die. She just ran out of time. That's all there is to it.

Her regular vet told me, a month ago, when I brought her in to get some antibiotics for an upper respiratory infection she was struggling with, that she was doing great for her age. I said at the time that that made sense, given that "typical" for her age was dead.

Tina is now doing typical for her age. She is beyond all earthly suffering and pain. I'll never know if I did the right thing. I wish I'd known yesterday that she'd have to spend those four hours today gasping and damp under the recliner. I'll regret that forever, but I did do the best I could. I have to cling to that.

If my final four hours are spent coughing and damp, I do hope I at least get to spend my final minutes without any pain, relaxed and in the arms of someone who loves me, like Tina did.

That's as good as somebody like me can hope for, I think.

I'll be better soon.

But not right away.

[thosebrookfieldgirls]

I had this thought for a sort of AU/what if scenario where when Jamil,Azul,Leona,and/or Idia overblotted they ended up hurting the girl you coupled them with (Jude and Jamil,Kris and Leona,etc.) not kill them mmind you but end up injuring them really bad

Ooof ok the angst for this one. I'm going to put this under a cut because some people might not be comfortable with this. And bad is rather broad or subjective in terms of what's a bad injury vs a mild injury like the girls have experienced so fair warning there and I'll discuss very degrees of injury and what level it would take for the couple to not happen.

TW: mentions of bodily harm, physical trauma, and psychological trauma. You have been warned

Now all of this is running on the idea this is not a Dark AU of sorts where everyone is actually a villain and not a morally grey asshole. Magic is helpful but not without limits. So no one ment to hurt anyone just a product of blot influence.

So for Leona and Kris it would depend on the degree of injury she suffered as to how the injury would affect their relationship. I imagine if it happened in overblot Leona would have used his unique magic on her which could result in anything from needing skin graphs if she's lucky to losing a limb in the worst case scenario. If it was just scaring because she needed to grow back skin she would be fine. She's never really cared much about that type of stuff and she's never had much self confidence as far as people wanting her for anything more then her body so it doesn't bother her. Even if Leona would probably go through a lot of grief. It might even be interesting to look at the dynamic of Kris worrying he's only around and showing affection out of guilt and Leona actually latching on because despite his magic and it hurting her she stayed.

If she lost a limb though... it could be tough. I don't see her giving up volleyball or sports easily. She would find a way to play even with a disability and I imagine prosthetics are much closer to full metal alchemist in terms of advancement in twist. But her being able to forgive him to the point of having a relationship that was healthy, and Leona forgiving himself with his up bringing... that might he pushing the realms of believability but not implausible. Just very hard.

Azul is actually probably let off the easiest, as far as really injuring her he can maybe break a few bones or crush her with his tentacles. Things that recover. And oh boy, he would make it his personal mission to make it up to her for the rest of his life romance or not. He wouldn't be alive if not for her and she got hurt saving him. He believes in debts being paid, so a life for a life as they say. But again, she would be hesitant to see any romance because she would be considering it gratitude over anything more.

Though if we wanted to go a step further and say he had crushed her voice box and so she couldn't talk anymore that would probably be a limit you don't come back from. Not even cause she blamed him, but she would be in such a depression fit and while he would do his best to help her learn to communicate and fix her voice it would still be pretty melancholy.

Jamil even in overblot I can't see physically hurting Jude. Jamil is a far more psychological person and would probably wreck her mentally. Something I almost did include but decided I was mean enough with his pre overblot speech. She probably would have gotten the Jasmine treatment, but actually remembered what happened. Jamil's unique magic is very interesting in that I think he actually tells the person he's using it on to forget and can chose to let them remember if he wants to. And overblot Jamil, if he was trying to hurt her, would have let her remember. If that happened I don't think either of them would have been able to look the other in their eyes for a very long time. (Though fun fact I did almost have Jude get glass shoved in her side and back from the hour glass breaking but decided against it since she already got her back slashed up the previous arc)

For Eva and Idia, going to be honest I need to see how the overblot goes to know for sure. Though Eva as a character in general does not deal with trauma well and would take an extreme amount of time to forgive any pain regardless of mental state. She grew up with an alcoholic father and so her ability to forgive things "under an influence" is greatly skewed compared to the others.

But yeah... honestly now I kind of wish I injured Kris. Maybe even have had her injured before coming to twisted wonderland. That would have been so interesting and as someone who is dating a person with a physical disability it would have been really easy for me to get infomation on it. Damn, oh well. Maybe in an au or my original story I'm working on.

[genshin-obsessed]

I dread everything about school, sure, I got some friends. But that doesn't help ease the pain of having a mental breakdown the night before school starts.

I've given up trying to ask my mom or dad if I could get a day off, my mom wouldn't allow me since my dad won't let me. My dad has said he only cares about my education, so I don't see the point in trying anymore.

I envy people who have a mental break day where they can skip school/work. Even in the weekend I can't get rest without thinking about tomorrow. I had a breakdown last week and ended up being yelled at by my dad. Now I really don't think he cares about me besides getting an education.

I already plan on getting an actual job, started a business, how much longer do I have to suffer before I can just get a day off? Or when will I ever be good enough for him?? I'm trying to do things that make me useable enough for society, even though my grades are fucking failing and I can't stop lashing out on things.

These things don't matter anyway, he'll just end up telling me again "and I don't want to go to work" then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT JOB?? fucking peice of shit, he doesn't care about my mental health unless it makes me unable to be a working citizen and get an education.

I'm so fucking tired, I'm trying to keep everything in, but I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that something will happen that I can't control. I don't want to hurt someone again, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in.

I just have to suck it all up, going to school like nothing happened, again. My suicidal thoughts have started to come back, my anxiety has been worse and worse, and I feel like relapsing again.

The only reason I don't self-harm anymore is so I don't get put into a mental hospital again. But if I end up not keeping all these urges and thoughts away then I'll just end up in the mental hospital or worse, an actual prison. The mental hospital felt like a prison anyway, which is why I'm scared to tell any teacher or adult at my school.

It's also 1am, and I shouldn't be bothering anyone with this. I can't bother my sister, she has to get enough sleep to go to work, and with how much little time I get with her now, it's just like when she was in college and i had nobody. My parents are useless in this situation, because my mom would just get yelled at by my dad for suggesting me staying home. And talking to her feels so.. uncomfortable. My dad is just a no. There is no talk about my mental health, if I'm feeling sad, I'll just have to deal with it.

I'm stuck, I don't know how much longer this will last, but probably for a couple more years.

I wish I could easily take my life away, there is hardly anything I want in life anymore.

Just a note before I start: I made a new tag for anyone to block because I’m gonna allow more serious topics with it. I’ll go with the regular tw tags as well, but this one is just one big tag: 🐚— vent

Right, onto you anon. I wanna start by saying I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. I understand, my mother was extremely hard on me in school. She rarely let me take breaks off of school and kept his idea that I had to attend almost every day to be a good student and to have a good education.

Even in college, both of my parents are pretty hard on me to take “good classes” and not “waste” my time. I don’t think many parents understand the stresses of school and it makes it hard for them to understand how terrible those days can be.

The school system is all messed up. Learning subjects that most of us won’t use- unless you’re choose a job in that particular field- teachers pile on too much homework, everything is just memorization at this point, and it gives us little time to relax. The way some teachers even assign homework makes it hard for us to even relax on weekends, which is why we have them. You really only have summer and even then, some parents force their children into extra activities then.

You feelings are valid. 100%. You’re allowed to feel exhausted, especially when you’re not getting any breaks. Getting through high school is the probably the only thing that’s really required for most jobs. But having a college degree doesn’t mean you’ll be rolling in money. It just means you can have a more secure job but by no means guarantees success. Parents don’t realize that.

For you, especially, it’s all building up. I’m sure you already know this to. Holding it in 100% won’t help. The stress also seems to be affecting your school work and it’s making it harder to pass classes which just leads your parents to lash out. It’s a vicious cycle that just doesn’t stop. And the only way to really stop such a thing is to take a step back, but you’re not even allowed to do that.

I think the attempt to please your dad’s ideals is also adding stress. You want to be good enough, and that’s understandable, but sometimes parents project what they couldn’t do onto us. Sometimes, it’s never enough because at the end of the day, they’re not the ones who could accomplish that. I’m sorry to say that and I hope it doesn’t upset you further, but maybe you should try doing this for yourself and not him. Some parents will never be happy- as sad as it is to say that.

I’m glad you don’t self harm, and I’m really proud of you for breaking away from that. Yes, it may just be to stay away from the mental hospital, but I’m still happy you’re staying away from it. Although, I would recommend talking to someone about this, other than me of course, because I can’t do much for you, unfortunately. I can only listen and offer a bit of advice.

Though you don’t want to stress out your sister, it seems like she may be the only one you can kind of trust. Maybe if you’re of age, you could try talking to a therapist or meeting with a school counselor/therapist. They may be able to actively help you, maybe even working with some of your teachers to lessen the workload. Either way, they’ll be more helpful than me.

I want you to know you’re doing an amazing job though. You’re still going after all of this and I know it seems bad, but I know it’ll get better. I know this isn’t much, but I’m very proud of your resilience.

If anything, when you’re on your own and in college, you can 100% take a break and you’ll definitely deserve it. But I do want you to try and talk to somebody you find you can trust. Or try to reach out for help, because something like this can’t be done alone.

There is one thing I think you want and that’s to be free from all of this. School, your parents, the exhaustion, the stress, and so that can be your goal. Though these days will show up often, maybe the idea of being free from all of this while still being able to live a happy life can be that push you need. I’m not sure if you’re able to move away for college, but I would recommend you do that. It’s a little difficult to be on your own, but you’ll get to choose how you live.

I know my response was kinda all over the place, but I really hope it helped anon💖💖 you’re always welcome to come here and talk to me if you’d like. Maybe about school, homework, just to vent, or chat! I would like to hear how you’re doing too 🥺💖

[thedreamparadox]

Do you have any tips on writing dreamers ? ( elliot claris will and helen ) i am working on swap AU but I don't feel confident I my understanding of those characters . If not than ignore this and have a nice day

Not many, honestly. I'm winging a lot of my characterization because like, the only Dreamer I had the slightest clue to when I started doing fics was Helen 'cause violin-ing.

I've got some general rule of thumbs for writing them though.

Helen: Writing style leans into Alice in Wonderland. Is a teeny bit of a crybaby in the early plot but totally has the ability to work through that and be brave (she wouldn't have a red Ideya otherwise). Has dad based trust issues because if I'm already relating super hard to the violin kid I might as well go all in lol. Absolute Twin Dreams fangirl to the degree some people I knew in high school were super into Phantom of the Opera, just more lowkey about it. Has a good eye for color so tends to use more definite color descriptors (ie magenta or rose instead of just pink).

Will: Writing style leans into Little Nemo (the comics far more than that one weird movie). Walking cinnamon roll who has some minor self confidence issues but is mostly suffering in his dad not being around as much anymore. Inherently a good natured kid who just wants to help. Maybe a little gullible, but more than smart enough to look at Reala and NiGHTS and go 'wait they're related.' Uses less descriptive language overall compared to Helen.

(Note: Both of the JoD kids were written to have some language in their style that reflected 'storybooks' to a point because it was a stylistic thing I wanted to lean into. I didn't go for anything stylistically for the NiD kids because I didn't plan on writing a full series worth of stuff for them originally.)

Claris: Her entire family is theater or some kind of performance geeks. Doodles a lot but is not an artist. Has chronic stage fright issues up until the end of NiD. Would absolutely throw hands with a Nightmaren solo if pressed, especially if her friends or family were in danger. Definitely owns a VHS of Cats and several various Broadway cast recordings. Probably reads a lot of fantasy books.

Elliot: Has some self-confidence issues revolving around basketball because poor kid's go performance anxiety. Curious to a fault, even in the face of danger, though tends to be really indecisive before he makes any given major decision. Kind-hearted and a little socially awkward. Not a good artist, but he tries. Way better with words than he thinks he is. Absolute Sonic fanboy. Massively. He dyed his hair blue like, come on lol

My characterization of the NiD kids is a lot shakier than the JoD kids mostly by sheer volume of writing. General rule of thumb is the gals are action girls even if they might freeze up at first and the guys are just good dudes that just want to help.

When it comes to writing in general, I'll quote my orchestra teacher from high school: do your best and fake the rest. (this is good life advice too lol)

[emeraldeyes23]

Fictober/Fantober2020 -

Day 22 - Soulmates

Edit: If you want to know if Eiji and Ash meet and who couldn’t help but meddle into their affairs, read my story on AO3. I lost control over this story, so the text is far too long for a Tumblr post🙈🙂 You’ll find the link is at the end.

An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle. But it will never break. Eiji had grown up with this saying. In his world, everyone had a soulmate. All his classmates had one, his parents and his sister. Most people had a soulmate that didn't live far away, and they could communicate telepathically, just by sending thoughts or feelings to each other. They also heard if the other one was injured or scared, overjoyed or happy if the emotions intensified. Now that he was going to school, he wondered why he couldn't communicate with his soul mate. His parents had tried to explain that a soul mate's bond was easier to connect to if both people sharing the bond lived next to each other. If his soul mate lived far away, maybe in another country, the bond was still there, but it was impossible to communicate telepathically. But you still noticed your soul mate's presence and could send emotions through the bond. Your soulmate was always present, like a little humming sound in the background. Eiji hadn't believed his parents. He felt the presence of his soulmate, but it was faint, and he felt lonely because all the people around him could communicate with their soul mate, and they were best friends that shared everything. So Eiji often dreamed of meeting his soul mate and was convinced he would meet him one day. One night, he woke up screaming. Tears streamed down his face while fear, panic and pain surged through him, making his whole body tremble while tears flowed down his face without knowing the reason. After a moment, he realized that those horrible and intense emotions were coming from his soulmate. He was scared to death and was suffering so much that it affected him as well. Eiji felt that he was injured. The emotions were so intense that Eiji could feel the injuries and the pain on his body as well. Eiji felt the raw pain as if it were his own. It was nearly unbearable, and he wondered how much more his soulmate had to suffer. He curled up in a ball and hugged himself while he cried, and his whole body shook from that horrible experience. His soulmate's emotions were so intense, they overwhelmed him, and he couldn't control them.  All he could do was cry himself to sleep. His parents didn't know what to do, either. In their country, people lived peaceful lives, and a soulmate that experienced traumatic events or physical pain was rare except for minor injuries or accidents. So their doctor had no advice either about how to handle this unique situation. His parents always ran to him and hugged him, assuring him they were by his side until he had calmed down. But at that point, he woke up screaming every night, and his parents grew worried. One day, his mom asked him what he wanted to do. She assured him that if he could control the bond, he could also influence the emotions that came through to him from his soul mate's side. He also told him of the possibility to block his soul mate's emotions so that he wouldn't feel them anymore. "No, I'll never do that!", Eiji exclaimed angrily. "My soulmate is suffering. I can't just block him when he goes through so much pain! I want to be there for him. What can I do to help him? To show him that he isn't alone?", he asked her desperately while tears streamed down his face. His mom gently stroked his hair and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "You're a good boy, Eiji. It's only natural that you want to help your soulmate. But please be careful. If emotions get too strong, they can affect you and your mental or physical health as well.", she explained to him while she looked at him with concern in her brown eyes. "I can show you how to control emotions. Then, they wouldn't affect you this much." When Eiji glared at his mom, she clarified it to him. "If you're overwhelmed by his emotions, you can't help your soul mate. If you can control your bond, you can also control how much his emotions affect you personally. If you manage to do that, you can help your soulmate better

Eiji smiled happily at that. "Then, I'll try!" "If you want to help your soul mate, try sending emotions to him. He'll always notice them. If he's suffering, intensify the feelings you're sending to him. Try to send calming and soothing emotions to him. They will help your soul mate even if he doesn't respond. You'll probably notice through the bond how he calms down or relaxes a bit, or falls asleep again. Eiji nodded, wiping away his tears. "Thank you, mom. I'll try that next time." "Your soulmate is lucky to have someone as kindhearted as you, Eiji. I'm sure he can feel your love, warmth and comfort through the bond." _________________________ Seven years later Eiji had just landed in New York a couple of hours ago. Now, he was busy cleaning his new apartment whole humming to himself cheerfully. After his pole vaulting accident, Ibe had offered him a job as his assistant in New York while finishing his degree in photography there. What are you so happy about? Eiji was so shocked; he dropped the cup of coffee he had been holding, spilling the contents everywhere. Eiji sighed in frustration but was more interested in the question that had resonated through the bond. That question had been transmitted through telepathy. How could that be? They couldn't communicate telepathically. But, now, he also noticed that their bond was stronger than before. He could feel more than a soft humming sound coming through the bond. He felt the emotions of his soulmate more clearly now. "What? How is that possible? I could never talk to you before!", Eiji exclaimed in pure surprise. 'Sorry for scaring you. It's possible because you're closer to me now; I can feel it. Did you move somewhere else recently?' "Uh, yes, I moved to the US. In fact, I've just arrived today.", Eiji explained to him. 'Then, it makes sense that our bond is stronger now. Because I'm American.' After a little pause, he continued, but Eiji could feel his amusement coming through the bond. 'You do realize that you don't have to say everything out loud when talking to me, right?' 'Oh, sorry. I was too excited to realize that. I've always wanted to talk to you. What's your name?" 'Ash. What about you? Where are you from? And how old are you?' 'I'm Eiji, and I'm 19. I'm from Japan. What about you?' 'I'm 17. Where exactly did you move to in the US?' 'New York City.' 'Wow, it's a small world. I live in NYC.' 'You do?', Eiji exclaimed overjoyed. "Does that mean you can show me around? That I can meet you? What do you look like? I've always wanted to meet you!" "You did?", Ash exclaimed in surprise. "After all I've done to you? Don't you hate me?", Ash asked him, this time aloud. Eiji felt his devastating sadness through the bond. "What are you talking about? How could I ever hate my soulmate?', Eiji replied in surprise. "I don't know what happened to you, but the people hurting you are responsible, never you." 'I just wished that I could have done more for you. I wanted to hug you and wipe your tears away. And punch the person who did that to you! I felt so powerless... 'Thanks. You really mean that. I can feel it through the bond. But I don't think I can meet you yet. I'm sorry. I have difficulties trusting people. You'll probably be disappointed in me anyway. I lead a dangerous and violent life on the streets. I don't want to drag you into this. You sound as if you have led a peaceful life in a nice neighborhood.' 'It's fine. I wanted to meet you, but it doesn't have to be now. I'll stay here for a year, at least. So, we can always meet later. But I'd love to talk to you more. I really enjoyed it.' 'Thank you for being so understanding. I'd like that. I enjoyed talking to you, too. I have to go now. Talk to you later. Welcome to New York. If you need some tips about New York, ask me anytime. I know some great places that aren't in any tourist guide.' 'Great! Thank you. Talk to you later.'       Read on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26757259/chapters/66844921#workskin

[another-blog-bites-the-dust]

Lap of the gods.

Summary: Two gods from different worlds prove that opposites really do attract.

Warnings: tiny bit of angst and flirty Roger but that's about it!

A/N: Thank you all so so much! I honestly never expected the amazing reaction I got from the first part! I'm so glad you all enjoyed it! I'm still working away on 'Lap of the Gods' but I think I'll probably get 6-8 parts in the end but I'm still tweaking and adding to the story! Anyway here's part two! Enjoy 😁💖

Gif source [x]

Part 2.

——————

"Hello my darling," you widely smiled as you greeted Cerberus, your guard dog, who came running up to you with all three tongues hanging out. "I missed you so much!" You placed a kiss on each of his heads before kneeling down on the floor of your throne room. You softly scratched behind his ears "I should have stayed here with you..." Cerberus whined as you softly spoke, he could see how disappointed you were. "You're the only one that matters..." you whispered "I hate the rest. I hate them all." You felt your fingers burn with rage, it disappeared when Cerberus licked your cheek. You couldn't help but laugh at his attempts to make you feel better "Let's go for a walk."

Your loyal guard dog walked by your side, occasionally rubbing one of his heads against you. He led you down to Lethe, a favourite spot of his as he'd splash about in the water. Unlike the souls who drank from there, Cerberus wouldn't forget anything. You sat by the bank and with a snap of your fingers, your shoes vanished and you happily began to dip your toes in the water. A genuine smile was a rare thing for you to have, but never around Cerberus. He always made you smile- especially when he was splashing about having fun in the water.

Suddenly, he froze and began to growl- having three heads meant his growl almost echoed around you. He was growling for one reason only.

A guest.

You stood up and snapped your fingers, reappearing with Cerberus in your throne room in a cloud of thick, black smoke. Your throne room was grand. It had a huge roaring fire that never went out, a red, gold and black throne, the walls and floors were made out of black marble with gold swirling through it and there was various other decorations like skulls, and jewels, and gold ornaments, and paintings scattered about- a small showcase of your riches. You walked up to your throne and sat down on it in a casual manor, your legs crossed and you leaned over slightly to pet Cerberus who always faithfully sat beside you until you ordered him to pounce at a guest. Most people weren't guests though. They were intruders.

"Yes?" You called out and Hermes appeared. "Oh, it's you," you groaned and rolled your eyes. "I thought you might have been my disappointment of a father..." you sighed and couldn't help but feel slightly let down. "Thought he might have felt guilty enough to come visit me."

Hermes shook his head "No, I have a message of sorts for you." You grew suspicious when he smirked. As well as being a messenger, he was known for pulling tricks but you also knew he was loyal to you as consort and a guide to the underworld. "I'll be back," he vanished in a flash and then returned just as quick. Hermes walked forward to you, outstretching a gift to you.

"What is this?" You whispered, a light growl from Cerberus reminded Hermes of his boundaries. You took the dark crimson rose from him, it's leaves such a deep shade of green that they almost looked black in the low light of the throne room. You looked it it, utterly bewildered at why you had been given a flower.

"I'll be right back, there's more."

"There's more?!" You looked up from the flower in shock only to notice that Hermes was missing again. You let out a huff before looking down at the rose, twirling the stem between your fingers. Moments later, puffs of black smoke plumed around your throne room- Cerberus barked and you slowly stood from your throne with your mouth gaping open.

Flowers. Flowers everywhere.

You looked Hermes dead in the eye.

"Who did this?"

•••

"You did what?!"

Roger sillily smiled to himself and leaned over a balcony, looking down to earth and then picturing beyond that. Freddie, also known as Dionysus, joined him even though he was in a shocked and surprised state. "I gave her some flowers..."

"Yes, darling, I heard that part- I'm just wondering why?!" He shrieked. No one would dare look at you in the eye never mind send you flowers. "Out of all the gods and goddesses- why her?"

Roger shrugged a shoulder "Why not?" Freddie rolled his eyes and let out a groan. Roger just laughed "I'm serious! Why not? She's not like everyone else up here."

"That's because she's down there!" Freddie deeply sighed. "Just be careful around Hades. Very careful." He warned before swooping his ice white cape with gold piping around the edges around him and leaving Roger with his thoughts.

Roger had heard all the stories, all the whispers, all the gossip and all the rumours. He didn't believe a word of it. He only wished the others in Mount Olympus had better things to do instead of talking about you- a beautiful, mysterious goddess- behind your back. Roger had a feeling that you didn't care what they said. His mind drifted back to the party, when he saw you for the first time emerging from thick black smoke with lips that looked like they had been stained with blood they were ablaze with such a bold colour.

He was bewitched.

So Roger did what he did best and sent you a 'little gift'. Thousands and thousands of roses in dark colours. He looked down again, imagining where you'd be and how you'd be reacting to his present.

•••

You strode through the halls, in and out of every room with Cerberus and Hermes trailing behind you. "Every room. Every. Single. Room!" You shut one door and opened another, being greeted by yet more flowers. You opened your bedroom door, the whole room inundated with flowers and the sweet smell that came from them. "Tell me who sent these!"

Hermes shrugged a shoulder "The sender would like to know if you approve or disapprove of their...message...before making themselves known." You didn't want Hermes to be a middleman so you went to your bureau in the corner of your bedroom and scribbled a note in flames. The flames singed the words in black on to the paper.

You snapped your fingers and the paper folded and then disappeared in a puff of smoke before reappearing in front of Hermes who took it with a degree of caution. "Take the note to the sender. I'll know if you read it..." you warned with your eyes narrowing. "Now go!" You ordered and Hermes disappeared.

The moments after he disappeared you took in the sheer vastness of the flowers.

And then you smiled.

•••

'Earth- the second sunrise from when you receive this. Come alone and tell no one.'

Roger smirked and folded over the piece of paper and tucked it in his robes, close to his heart. It was still warm from when you had wrote it.

•••

You spent the day before you had to meet the god nervously pacing around your throne room. Cerberus followed you back and forth before growing tired and curling up next to the ever burning fire. You were so preoccupied with your thoughts that anyone who disturbed you quickly received a click of your fingers and vanished with a bloodcurdling scream, disappearing down to the pits of the underworld and left to suffer for all eternity. That's when you got thinking; 'Who could ever be so kind to a monster like me?' You even thought the word 'monster' was too polite of a term. Those who were kind or sent you gifts to you always wanted something in return. Wether it was to be spared or a favour- kindness and presents were something they always gifted you with.

You were almost tempted to call on Hermes and torture him to tell you who it was who sent such an abundance of flowers. Their sweet smell had kissed your skin all night and you woke up to the deep, dark colours that matched your abode perfectly.

When the sun rose the next day you prepared yourself for earth. You hardly ever went up there. With a snap of your fingers your clothes changed from a dress that was smouldering at the bottom where the fabric glowed red to a casual black top and jeans with boots. You kneeled down and pet Cerberus "Are you ready my darling?" You asked and he barked. You snapped your fingers again and instead of him being a three headed dog, he transformed into three jet black dogs. You sadly smiled and pet all three of them "If only they could accept you for who you truly are..." The people of earth didn't quite take to a three headed dog, but, if Cerberus was three dogs, they saw it as normal. "If only they could accept us..." you sighed and placed on his leashes. You stood upright and with another snap of your fingers you appeared on earth in a secluded area and walked down a lane, taking you to a white, sandy beach with a dark and gloomy sky looming over it. There were various shops and trendy eateries dotted along the walkway next to the beach, all of them were quiet with only a few customers and staff in each place.

Cerberus pulled you forward and you stumbled. "Calm down! I know you want to go in the water!" You took the leashes off the three dogs and they ran to the water. Seeing Cerberus as three dogs was always a strange sight. You walked forward and threw a stick for him, you stayed well back from the waters edge. If you went in your brother John would know you were on earth and he'd appear. "Ugh! Cerberus!" You groaned when he shook his three bodies at once and covered you with water.

It looked as if he was smiling before all three tensed simultaneously. They spotted someone behind you and ran towards them. You went to command him to stop but instead of hearing screams of pain which tended to happen when Cerberus attacked- you heard the most melodic laughter. You turned with your brows furrowing. The sight before you amazed you. Cerberus wasn't attacking the Greek god- he was happily playing with him. Your mouth gaped open with shock- shock from seeing Cerberus so joyful around another god and from who it was that arrived.

"I'm assuming that you're just supposed to be the one pup," the god smiled and tried to scratch all the dogs equally. "Nevertheless, still handsome!"

You shut your eyes, trying to find the right words. Only you ever called Cerberus your puppy or pup- even then it was very rare for you to do so. "Y-You...?" you whispered out in disbelief.

"Are you really that surprised?" Roger asked with a smirk "Flowers are my forte."

"Why?" You said in a tone much harsher than you intended- you could hear crows starting to violently caw as they began to land near you. "Why did you send those flowers to me?" He moved closer to you, still petting Cerberus "What do you want from me?"

"Nothing!" He said sincerely and you almost believed him.

"Every god has something to gain from me- don't lie!" You snapped, Roger now seeing the true extent of just how much you had been taken for granted and used all your life. Cerberus barked at you, warningly- he had never done that in all his days. You jumped back slightly before glaring at Cerberus and then at the god, a sea of emotions and questions flowing through your body. One being why Cerberus was defending the god against you. The three dogs licked and nuzzled their heads into Roger's hands. Perhaps Roger was telling the truth. "Why did you send them?" You asked again, this time much softer.

"Okay," Roger sighed and held up his hands in defeat, looking at you with those eyes that looked like sapphires they were so blue. "I did want to gain something from sending you those flowers," your nostrils flared and you felt your fingertips burning, ready to drag Persephone to the very pits of the underworld. "A smile from you."

Your rage melted away and was replaced with another sensation- a tingling in your chest. You discreetly rubbed it while Roger was distracted with your dog...dogs. Cerberus brought Roger a stick and he threw it for them with a smile, running along the beach with the three dogs. You turned around swiftly when you snapped back into reality. "Don't go in the sea!" You warned and Roger stopped on the spot. "Poseidon will know you're on earth and relay that information back to Mount Olympus. Cerberus is charmed so goes undetected." You explained as your dog splashed around. "I..." you blinked, struggling to find words "I don't know why he's acting like that around you. He doesn't like other gods or goddesses- he almost killed Brian once."

Roger sniggered, his surprise shocking you- in a good way. 'A little sadistic...' you said to yourself. "Maybe he likes the flowers I sent?" Roger suggested, biting down on his lip while grinning as he walked towards you. "Did you?"

You could see a hopeful glint in his eye. "I did." You replied truthfully and he let out a joyous sigh of relief under his breath. Now that you were becoming more accustomed to his presence, you thoroughly examined him. He was wearing a pastel coloured top with little flower drawings dotted all over it, jeans, shoes that had the tiniest real flowers on them and a daisy in his hair. It looked like he had just been picked from a beautiful garden. Cerberus came up to you both again and shook off the water on him, you groaned while Roger laughed. A ghost of a smile flickered over your face- he had a laugh sweeter than the smell of the roses he had sent. "He's is usually much bigger than this," you said, motioning towards the dogs.

The god sniggered, immaturely "Funnily enough I sometimes say that about myself..." Your brow quirked and Roger looked up to you with a toothy grin. "Let me get you a drink? Traveling to earth must make you parched- I know it does that to me!" You nodded and walked in silence to one of the cafes on the walkway by the beach that allowed dogs. "What can I get you?" Roger asked.

You held out your hand "This is on me," you offered. "As a thanks for the flowers." You looked at the barista "Coffee. Black." You practically demanded.

"Green tea, please." Roger kindly asked.

The barista nodded and said they'd bring the drinks to the table. "How can you be so nice to them?" You asked, sitting down across from Roger. Cerberus lay down beside you, his three bodies trying to get as close as he could get to you both.

"In my nature, I guess..." Roger trailed off, shrugging a shoulder. "I've always taken care of the mortals on earth."

"And yet they've always taken you and your gifts for granted." You bluntly replied, hitting a little too close to home for Roger. You made a fair point.

His head hung a little low and his shoulders drooped "I know," he perked up a little when he noticed a couple outside, one of them exchanging flowers with the other. "But I still do it because I know some people don't take what I give them for granted." He turned back to you "Centuries pass, people change, the world changes," you glanced around at all the new modern technology everyone now had- the world had changed a lot. "But the mortals still need taken care of and I'm happy to do it- all the gods above are."

"That's why I'm below," you darkly replied but that didn't bother Roger. The barista brought over your drinks and left you the bill on a dish. You snorted at his name, Troy. Roger goofily grinned hearing that pleasant sound. "Troy- that's his name. I remember the battle of Troy...I didn't expect such a large influx of souls..." you nonchalantly added.

Roger narrowed his eyes with curiosity. "Why do you call people souls?"

You pursed your lips, a passive expression on the rest of your face. "Mortals, even immortals, are nothing but vessels to carry the soul. It's the most important part."

"I see..." Roger nodded with a sad smile on his face. It did hurt him seeing you so resentful to everyone- it pained him knowing you were like this because of how you've been treated. You were a goddess. You were a queen. You were never supposed to be treated so brutally and horribly. You were supposed to be loved and treasured and...worshipped.

You drank your bitter coffee while keeping an eye on Roger. You took in every movement- he even stirred his tea sweetly. You quickly finished your coffee while Roger was still sipping on his tea. You glanced at the bill and then discreetly made money appear from thin air. Roger raised a brow. "Money of the root of all evil." You answered his curious look with a casual shrug of the shoulder "I'm very wealthy."

"Is that why you're leaving thirty pounds for a five pound bill?" He chuckled and you almost cracked a smile. "That's a very generous tip..."

"Perhaps your kindness is rubbing off on me...please stop it." You deadpanned.

Roger's eyes flickered to you as he drank his green tea, trying to be quick as it was getting cold. "I've always wanted to see Hell."

Your head snapped up to him and you looked at him like he was insane. "You cannot be serious! You're from Mount Olympus! You're...too good! Too pure! That should not be something you want."

Roger had a boyish smirk on his face as he shrugged his shoulders. "Well...it's always interested me. It's fascinating! Just like you..." That tingling sensation in your chest returned.

"I've been called many things- fascinating isn't one of them," you leaned forward slightly. Why wasn't he shuddering away from you yet? Why was he being so polite and kind to you? "Fine," you uttered while standing up, Roger choked and spat out his tea back into his cup in shock. "If you want to see the underworld so badly then I'll arrange it. Hermes can bring you tomorrow." You clicked your fingers to wake up Cerberus. "You should probably be prepared," you warned.

"For what?" Roger asked, his tea was now cold. You reached a hand forward, he watched intently- full of amazement as steam began to rise from the cup. You had warmed up his drink with nothing but your hands.

"All that is evil."

———————————

Part one • Part three •

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[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar