#and i’ve had to deal with that anniversary affecting me for like. 8 years or so now (jesus christ that math can’t be right) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tsrookie · 4 years ago

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Alright, so today’s the three-year anniversary of Reputation a.k.a the greatest album of all time, my baby, the light of my life, the album that deserved a Grammy (trying desperately not to think about the scene from Miss Americana😭), the album that introduced us to the most beautiful couple ever, the album that shut Kimye up, and I better stop now, or else I’m not gonna shut up.

So in honour of this momentous occasion (and the fact that I reached 200+ followers! Thank you so much you guys!🥺 Love you all 3000💙), here’s a loooooong post on why Reputation is the Ethan and MC album.

1. ...Ready For It?

No one has to know

Throwback to MC saying the exact same words back in Miami.

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

You should see the things we do, baby, mmm

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

I know I'm gonna be with you

So I take my time

Remember back when MC asked for Ethan to get into bed right away during their first time? Ethan told them that he had dreamt about the moment for months, so he wasn’t going to rush it.

2. End Game

Big reputation, big reputation

Ooh you and me would be a big conversation

These two dating would be the talk of the hospital, and they know it.

Even when we'd argue, we don't do it for long

And you understand the good and bad, end up in the song

For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease

For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities

Think these lines are pretty self-explanatory😌

I hit you like bang

We tried to forget it, but we just couldn't

*gets war flashbacks of the ‘reset’ phase*😭 They tried to make it work, but we all know how Ch 8 of book 2 went😌

I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me

Perfect for our chaotic MC😌

3. Don’t Blame Me

Do I... really have to explain this one?

For you, I would cross the line

I would waste my time

I would lose my mind

They say she's gone too far this time

Do we need a recap of our rule-breaking MC?

And baby, for you, I would fall from grace

Just to touch your face

If you walk away

I'd beg you on my knees to stay

He was willing to risk his (mostly) rule-abiding reputation for being with MC. And there’s no way he wouldn’t beg for MC not to leave him if he ever screwed up🤷‍♀️

4. Delicate

This ain't for the best

My reputation's never been worse, so

You must like me for me

Ethan stood by MC’s side throughout the Ethics hearing, when her reputation was completely smeared, and people only saw her as a patient murderer. He didn’t know about the sabotages, but he would’ve definitely supported her if he had known.

We can't make

Any promises now, can we, babe?

Commitment-phobia🙃

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep

Are you ever dreaming of me?

Sometimes when I look into your eyes

I pretend you're mine, all the damn time

They spent so much of time apart, not able to be with each other, so the least they could do was dream of being with each other all the time.

5. So It Goes (an underrated af bop)

What can I say... it’s a sex song, okay? Don’t make me go into the details😂 Just listen to the lyrics, and all will be clear.

6. Gorgeous (Tumblr won’t let me put any more links)

MC’s eternal anthem to Ethan.

Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine

You've ruined my life, by not being mine

We all know Ethan loves Whiskey, and the second line? C’mon!

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face

'Cause look at your face

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way

But, what can I say?

You're gorgeous

Ethan Ramsey is famous for two reasons. One: his smart brain, I guess😒 Two: HIS LOOKS!!! HE’S GORGEOUS, AND DON’T DENY IT.

And you should think about the consequence

Of you touching my hand in the darkened room (dark room, dark room)

Ah, the olden days of hand holding in the diagnostics office🥺

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

No explanation required.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad

The wonderful will-they-won’t-they saga. The frustrating hot-and-cold behaviour. The ‘We can’t’, ‘It’s unethical’ and ‘It’s complicated’. MC deserves an award for her patience😓

7. King Of My Heart

I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own

I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone

Ethan ‘I don’t believe in soulmates and nobody’s waiting at home’ Ramsey.

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

This could be from both Ethan and MC’s perspectives. The love they share isn’t something that you get easily. It’s something that MC has waited for her whole life, and something Ethan never knew he needed, but now can’t live without🥺

Late in the night, the city's asleep

Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep

Change my priorities

The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

This was definitely Ethan throughout book 2, after he finally gave in. He let go of his previous rules and regulations, especially during the time of the attack. He was clearly affected, and once MC was alright, his main priority was her, and her alone.

Is the end of all the endings?

My broken bones are mending

With all these nights we're spending

Ethan’s been burnt a lot in the past. But all those wounds are now healing thanks to MC.

Up on the roof with a school girl crush

Drinking beer out of plastic cups

They act like lovesick teenagers around each other, like, that’s literally their description if you choose to kiss Ethan for the first time in Chapter 14 of book 2!😅

Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Baby, all at once, this is enough

We all know about his initial fear of his mother reaching out to him for the sake of his money. To him, MC not talking advantage of him is a pretty big deal, even though it’s never mentioned. You just know, you know?🥺

8. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

My, my love had been frozen

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Again, Ethan doesn’t have the best experience with love. But MC changed that.

I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted

This could go both ways, cause they’re both piping hot messes😬 (but love each other anyway🥺)

The rest of this song could have made so much more sense for them if we had gotten some sort of a secret relationship storyline. But oh well, I’m definitely not complaining about the gala😌 (and definitely not believing any of the supposed cancelled storylines)

9. Dress

Our secret moments

In a crowded room

They got no idea

About me and you

I mean... pretty obvious😌

Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me

And I woke up just in time

Now I wake up by your side

My one and only, my lifeline

This is practically Ethan’s train of thought, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

As for the rest of the steamier lyrics... I’ll um... let you guys listen to it yourselves😁

10. Call It What You Want

I wrote an entire fic inspired by this song, so excuse me for the shameless self-promo, but go give it a read?🥺👉👈(totally fine if you don’t! I’ve probably made so many posts about this song that y’all know the meaning anyway😅)

11. New Years Day

Don't read the last page

But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away

I want your midnights

But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

MC has always stayed by Ethan’s side, even when he’s pushed her away. These lines perfectly explain how she wants his worst times, and his best, the midnights they spend staying up together, and the moments where it’s just the two of them, when everyone else has left, like the aftermath of a New Years party (still mad at the fact that we didn’t get to see the gang celebrate New Year together😭)

I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe

Or if you strike out and you're crawling home

The above explanation for these lines as well.

Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Becoming strangers to each other would be their worst nightmares. Knowing that the other was out there in the world somewhere, but not being in their lives would kill them.

You and me forevermore

These two are each other’s soulmate, they know it, even if they haven’t said it yet. Forever wouldn’t be enough for them to shower each other with they love they hold for each other. But it’s a good start.

——————————

If you guys made it this far, then I honestly love you more than words can ever express🥺💙 Thanks for putting up with my Swiftie-Directioner-Ethan stan ass, cause I dunno if I’d ever be able to handle someone like myself. And if you read all the above stuff, then I hope you wanna know why this album means so much to me.

Reputation is perceived as a dark album, when in reality it’s truly about finding love amongst all the noise. This album, and Taylor and Joe’s story, taught me what true love actually is, and Ethan and MC cemented that. This album and these two couples (quite literally) saved my life.

The most beautiful part about both these relationships is that even though they never showed it openly, for the sake of their relationships, both Ethan(in the story) and Joe stood by the side of the one’s they loved, despite half of the people who they knew hating on them, or betraying them. And I think that’s what’s truly important. Forming a true relationship like that, be it platonic or romantic, is long lasting, and I hope everyone finds those kind of people to fill their hearts with. Sending much love, and sorry for being a huge sap😅💙

Tagging a couple of my Swiftie homies: @swiftlydarcy @nikki-2406 @dxnicaramsey @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @drariellevalentine @justanotherrookie

#open heart #open heart second year #dr ethan ramsey x mc #ethan jonah ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #mercy goes nuts #happy three years of Reputation🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤#ethan ramsey

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devinetheory-2 · 4 years ago

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I found this unnervingly accurate and fascinating.

Things Narcissists Do When They Think No One Is Looking ..

1 – Go through your personal things

2 – Create numerous dating profiles

3 – Try to get in touch with their exes on social media

4 – Visit websites of very dubious merit. KIK Skype etc.

5 – Try to turn your family and friends against you

6 – Plant spyware on your devices or install hidden cameras etc.

7 – Sabotage your finances

8 – Spy on you

9 – Flirt with your best friend (or even your adult children)

10 – Plan secret rendezvous with their side-supply

11 – Hoover old sources of supply (a.k.a., their exes)

12 – Pave the way for their next relationship

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone you suspect is a narcissist, there has likely come a time when you developed a burning desire to know the things narcissists do when they’re by themselves.

If we’re to be sophisticated about it, we must consider that like other citizens of society, they engage in activities that are conducive to maintaining a certain level of livelihood. Things like going to work, having their cars serviced, and going to doctor’s appointments.

But apart from those harmless undertakings, things turn rather bleak.

Narcissists rarely ever admit to it, but all your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.

You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or telling the truth? That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.

Our “gut feelings” are called that for a reason — research suggests that emotion and intuition are very much rooted in the “second brain” in the gut. In fact, Michael Gershon, professor and chair of pathology and cell biology at Columbia, says, “The gut can work independently of any control by the brain in your head—it’s functioning as a second brain. It’s another independent center of integrative neural activity”.

But don’t take my word for it. You can read all about it on Psychology Today in an article titled, Your Backup Brain.

My job here is to give you a breakdown of what the narcissist in your life – employing very specific techniques of psychological depravity – does when they think no one is looking. Hidden secrets that would literally bring you to your knees…

Here, I map out thirteen of the most common things narcissists do when they think no one is looking. The possibilities on this topic are endless, but the following is a sampling of the ones I’m most familiar with, some of which I personally experienced.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Things Narcissists Do When They Think No One Is Looking ..

1 – Go through your personal things

Narcissists are constantly doing things that they will eventually be confronted with. Therefore, they spend inordinate amounts of time trying to dig up the most minuscule piece of incriminating evidence against you so that they will have ammunition when they are finally caught.

Many times, what they find “incriminating” is just a figment of their imagination or something entirely fabricated. For example, I used to work in the banking industry for years before I left to become a teacher and, later, to create this space for narcissistic abuse recovery.

As a bank employee, I wore suits which required me to wear pantyhose. One day, I accidentally tore a hole in a pair of them and discarded them in the trash. My ex, during his regular “dirt diving” practice, found them and confronted me with them, accusing me of having been unfaithful.

Of course, he was entirely wrong, but you can probably imagine how it turned out.

Long story short, narcissists engage in sneaky, underhanded behaviors every day. In many cases, they think other people are like them, but just better at hiding it. In others, they simply want to have something to throw in your face when you discover they’re still doing ‘that thing’ they promised you they would stop doing.

A general exception to this shady practice is the cerebral narcissist, who uses their intelligence to lord over others. They think most people are simpletons who don’t have anything interesting going on in their lives, except, of course, other academics and scholars whom the cerebral narcissist is insanely jealous of.

2 – Create numerous dating profiles

Not all narcissists cheat, but most of them do. The ones who don’t tend to be of the “cerebral” ilk and simply do not enjoy having intimate relations with other people.

But if the narcissist you know is attractive, extroverted, and likes being the center of attention, it is very likely they are doing things you would be horrified to learn about.

To the narcissist, seducing people is another tool for manipulation, control, exploitation, and destroying the self-esteem of their partner(s). In most cases, there’s serial cheating, withholding affection, degrading requests, verbal assaults, and addiction to off-color websites.

Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, they’re so skilled in the bedroom that their partners often stay in the abusive relationship because they’ve never had it so good, which creates a twisted dynamic leading to self-loathing, guilt, and shame.

At any rate, narcissists have a track record of being serial cheaters. This explains why they generally have their cell phones on lockdown, leave the room when certain calls come in, and are oddly obsessed with a text exchange as you’re sitting down to dinner during your anniversary.

If you’ve caught them doing this, don’t be fooled by their seeming attempt to earn back your trust. It doesn’t matter if they let you go through their phone if they’ve secured a secret line behind your back.

If it feels weird, you’re probably onto something. Don’t ignore your gut on this one.

3 – Try to get in touch with their exes on social media

Imagine this scenario. You’re sitting at your work desk and decide to call your partner (whom you suspect is a narcissist) to check in and get a feel for how things are going. They seem fairly friendly and the two of you make plans for dinner and a movie that night. You hang up feeling relieved and begin to think your recent arguments were probably just normal relationship issues. You feel slightly elated thinking about how the evening will unfold.

The narcissist, however, hangs up and goes back to liking their ex’s Facebook and Instagram photos. The two of you have been arguing a lot lately (due to their relationship crimes), so they have to line up another source or two of narcissistic supply to have as a backup for when you finally come to your senses and give them the much-needed boot.

Moral of the story? Never trust that the narcissist will be a decent person. Ever.

4 – Visit websites of very dubious merit.

Webcam sites, porn, KiK, Snapchat, Tubmblr etc.

Since the media powers-that-be are now filtering and blocking certain terms and phrases, I am unable to express the exact terminology I’d like to use here, but, suffice it to say that many narcissists, when alone, spend hours on various websites of very dubious merit.

Sites that would break your heart and devastate you for weeks on end if you’re in a romantic relationship with them.

If you have discovered your narcissistic partner has been visiting such sites, you can bet with 99% certainty that he or she also has online dating profiles and is probably hooking up with other people behind your back. At the very least, they are likely engaging in things via the internet with people they’ve met online that would make you feel unwell.

5 – Try to turn your family and friends against you

Contrary to popular belief, the narcissist’s smear campaign doesn’t begin just after your breakup. In many cases, it’s been alive and well for some time. You just weren’t aware of it.

The reason everyone now runs in the opposite direction from you or, at the very least, looks at you with a raised eyebrow, is that the narcissist has been smearing your reputation since before the relationship even ended. The two main reasons for this are:

All relationships are doomed in the narcissist’s mind and they want to get a running start on assassinating your character.

They assume you will vent to people in your shared social circle and want to ensure they cut you off at the pass so you will look unstable when you muster the courage to start talking about your experiences.

These actions are to preserve the false image they’ve portrayed all along. Unfortunately, they’re often very successful at doing this. If your friends or family have suddenly started pulling back or questioning your judgement, the narcissist has likely planted the seeds of doubt in their minds. If they openly side with the narcissist when you begin sharing your relationship struggles, it’s time to start whittling down your inner circle.

6 – Plant spyware on your devices or install hidden cameras in your shared residence

This can happen a few different ways.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, don’t assume they aren’t smart enough to track you using your devices. I’ve seen this assumption come crashing down around people’s ankles more times than I’d like to admit.

One common method that abusers use to legally track you is by using the geolocation services built into all smartphones; if you know, or can guess, the password to someone’s cloud account, you can follow their movements via the software designed to find lost or stolen phones that comes installed on many devices. Many times, the abuser sets up a cloud account for the person they want to track, giving them full access to their target’s location at any moment.

If you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissist, don’t accept a phone from them that they’ve set up for you using their cellular account. If you do, you can assume they’ve set it up to track you.

Another way abusers can keep tabs on you is by installing spyware on your electronic devices. Some of these spyware can be installed remotely. It’s somewhat more difficult to install spyware this way than it used to be, but it still happens.

Most spyware is designed to track not only your location but also monitor your calls, voicemails, texts, and emails – and even watch you using the camera on your device.

7 – Sabotage your finances

I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve worked with in my coaching practice who’ve been financially devastated because they gave in to the narcissist’s seemingly genuine requests to give them access to their accounts.make you feel unwell.

They may have loaned you money or paid for a big-ticket item at some point to make you believe they are generous, but it was only to instill in you a sense of obligation in preparation for the debilitating shaft you’d get from them later.

Another scheme that falls into this category is their asking for your support while they are unemployed. These schemes are all designed to “break the seal” in the area of financial matters so they can take shocking liberties later, such as:

Getting loans in your name

Taking out a second mortgage on your home without your knowledge

Not paying IRS taxes, resulting in your possible confinement in jail

Expecting you to pay for everything while they save their own money for themselves

Forcing you to get all the utilities and insurances in your name so you’ll have to pay for them all

…and so on and so forth.

If you’ve been having problems in your relationship and believe your partner is a narcissist, it would be in your best interest to avoid mingling your finances in any way. If you already have, start a secret account and begin adding money to it whenever you can. Have your statements delivered to a family member’s address.

Prevent narcissistic financial abuse early by stashing away money when you can and refusing to put your name on any legal documents with them.

8 – Spy on you

We already covered spyware and tracking apps that narcissistic abusers can use to keep tabs on your whereabouts in #6.

However, many narcissists will literally stalk you so they can see what you do when they’re not with you.

While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual toward another person through the carrying out of behaviors intended to frighten, distress the victim, and/or instill a sense of guilt and hopelessness in the victim (which often leads to learned helplessness). Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and usually include following the victim (in person) and monitoring them.

According to Lamber Royakkers, author of The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws (California Criminal Law Review 3, October 2000):

“Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have a current relationship or a recent one. Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect).”

Disruptions in daily life that are necessary to escape a stalker can include changes in employment, residence, and phone numbers. Many targets of stalking have had to move to another country and basically go into hiding.

Many of my coaching clients have been stalked by their narcissistic partners. Stalking behaviors carried out by narcissists can include:

Constant texts, emails, and phone calls

Frequent, unwanted deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers

Constantly driving by your home

Showing up at your place of employment or favorite hangout

Spreading rumors or publishing personal information about you on social media

Cyberstalking

Using social media to follow and friend your social media followers and friends in order to keep an eye on you

Installing spyware on your computer or cell phone

Finding out about you by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers

Using technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go

Threatening to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets

Stalking is often mistaken as hoovering in that once a source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the narcissist refuses to give up their power by forcing themselves into the victim’s world through harassing, following, and monitoring.

Stalking is a common behavior of narcissists when a source of supply tries to initiate No Contact. When stalking begins, the victim typically has a clearer picture of what kind of person the narcissist is…which is why they want to go No Contact in the first place.

If you believe you are being stalked, you should avoid downplaying the issue as it will only get worse over time. You may have to take protective measures to secure your sense of peace, privacy, and security.

9 – Flirt with your best friend (or even your adult children)

When it comes to narcissistic cheaters, no one is off-limits. In fact, narcissists often derive a twisted sense of accomplishment if they can get your loved one interested in them, like your best friend or adult child.

So, imagine you’re at work and it’s the narcissist’s day off. You think everything is relatively calm and feel a spark of emotional safety. Then, you get a call from your best friend and they give you the very unsettling news that the narcissist has made a pass at them.

If you’re best friend is truly loyal, they will tell you about this the moment it happens.

But in some cases, the flirting continues while remaining a secret. Maybe your friend has experienced a string of failed relationships. Or they’ve recently gone through a difficult divorce. Vulnerability makes a person a prime target in the narcissist’s mind and this may well include your best friend.

My best advice? Never trust the narcissist alone with your friends or family members.

10 – Plan secret rendezvous with their side-supply

Speaking in very general terms, when a narcissist has an out-of-town trip planned, whether for work or for their third cousin’s wedding, there is a strong likelihood that they will meet their side supply there or even take him or her with them.

Narcissists are creatures of economy and rarely pass up an opportunity to groom supply. In fact, the narcissist could well be dubbed The Constant Gardner because they are perpetually trolling for and grooming new targets, even though they always have a main source of narcissistic supply. Furthermore, they are continuously ending relationships for various reasons, especially with those who require a lot of “maintenance” (i.e. normal human interactions) or have stopped giving them money or other fringe benefits. Therefore, they must fill in the gaps left by those they’ve discarded by securing new supply sources.

Those work trips the narcissist always goes on? They could very well be genuine, but don’t be surprised when the new supply calls you, asking who you are and what you’re doing calling the narcissist!

11 – Hoover old sources of supply (a.k.a., their exes)

Narcissists typically don’t let go of their exes completely (unless their exes completely let go of them). They’ve been known to contact old flames out of the blue, sometimes as long as ten years post-breakup!

Not all narcissists do this, but most do. When a person has passed the litmus test for being “good supply”, narcissists literally can’t help themselves and will often reach out in an attempt to resurrect old relationships (albeit, one-sided ones).

This explains why you may have noticed how the narcissist in your life likes to remain “friends” with their exes or wants you to be friends after your relationship has ended.

It gives them an ‘in’ if they ever need to cycle back around.

12 – Pave the way for their next relationship

You’ve probably read a hundred times how narcissists leave relationships and then swan dive right into a new one.

Maybe this happened in the aftermath of your own relationship with a narcissist.

The main reason this happens is because narcissists don’t bond with people. Not romantically, not traumatically (at least, not for them), nor matrimonially. We from these bonds with narcissists, but they are not able to form emotional bonds with us due to their true lack of empathy and inability to attach to others.

Another reason narcissists are able to form relationships so quickly is that, any many cases, the relationship isn’t so new. If you’ll remember from earlier, narcissists are always combing for fresh sources of narcissistic supply. Because of this, most narcissists are perpetually in various stages of relationship with other people, from the shiny, newbie supply to those who are enduring varying levels of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

Therefore, when they showcase the new supply on their social media accounts, it’s usually not someone they’ve just met, though narcissists are often very skilled in making it appear so.

13 – Emotional abuse of partners and spouses

If you’ve ended a romantic relationship with a narcissist, you probably saw them out and about, loving up on the new partner and seemingly having the best time of their life. You see them flashing an engagement ring on social media and sending out ‘save the date’ notifications, broadcasting how silly in love they are and giggling about how they feel like a couple of teenagers.

Your first reaction might be to (stunningly) wonder what this new person has that you don’t. Just maybe, the narcissist had been right about you all along. Perhaps you really ARE the reason your relationship with them didn’t work out.

Then, you feel completely disabled by the seeming about-face the narcissist has made with the new supply, sending you into a depression so deep you can barely get through the day.

This is just another phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle and applies to you the same as it does everyone else. The narcissist you know is no different from the others. As personal and unique as it all may feel, it’s just another blueprint narcissistic manipulation.

When you see this happening, it’s crucial not to take it personally. This is one of the narcissist’s favorite times, when they are love-bombing new supply while simultaneously making you feel like discarded trash. The narcissist can’t help but gloat over how they’re able to make you feel emotionally destroyed, left to pick up the pieces while they’re off living their life as though your history together means nothing.

What you’re not thinking about is how the new supply will be subject to the same emotional abuse that you’ve endured. There are no exceptions to this. Don’t listen to the new trend of so-called professional advice which states that narcissists are only abusive towards YOU because your personality is incompatible with theirs, which is on my list of ‘Stupid Sh*t Therapists Say’.

Narcissists are abusive towards everyone. Regardless of status, ethnicity, intelligence, religious beliefs, or how tiny their waist is. The new supply simply won’t be spared, unfortunately.

Dealing with a narcissist

Healing From the Trauma of Narcissistic Abuse

It’s absolutely crucial to come to terms with the unsettling things narcissists do when they think no one is looking so you can make educated decisions for your future and your wellbeing.

Don’t let yourself fall into a false sense of security because the narcissist knows what to say to soften your defenses and make you doubt your judgement. Pay attention to patterns because patterns don’t lie.

With the right support, you’ll be shocked how amazing it feels when you can flourish on the other side of abuse and heal your life in ways you never

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eryiss · 4 years ago

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Fraxus Week 2020: Day 8 - Proposal

Summary: After a crappy post-college first year, Laxus jumped at the opportunity to leave town for a week for a road trip with his friends. He intended it just to be a week away with his friends, but when he meets an unfamiliar stranger, the vacation turns into something much more. [Fraxus Multichapter]

This is the fifth part of my Fraxus Week admissions, hosted by @fuckyeahfraxus. This year I’ve made the prompts into a single multi-chapter fic. You can see all the chapters in the Masterpost linked below. Hope you enjoy.

You can read this on Fanfiction, Archive of our Own, and under the cut. Read the other chapters from this masterlist.

Epilogue – The Defining Term

Three Years Later

When Laxus woke up, it was in the bed he shared with Freed in their apartment. Under the covers was a mess of limbs, and Laxus had apparently chosen to use the other man's chest as an impromptu pillow. He had the mans torso wrapped up in his arms, and when he blinked up at the blurry figure above him, he saw Freed attempting to wake up with as much difficulty as he was. He smiled sleepily at the sight.

"Morning," Laxus greeted, pushing himself off his lover's chest and sitting up.

"Morning," Freed repeated. He reached over Laxus to pick up his phone and turn the blaring alarm off.

Laxus let his back rest against the cool wood of their headboard, the covers dropping from him as he ran a hand through his hair to slick it out of his eyes. He watched Freed as he rubbed his eye with the back of his hand and reached for a hair tie, pulling his hair into a messy ponytail. It was clear that the early morning was affecting Freed more than it was Laxus, and the blonde had to grin at that and nudge the other man with his knee.

"You can't be pissed off at waking up early when it's your idea," He laughed, voice a little groggy.

"I'd agree with you, but I think right now I'm proving quite clearly that I can," Freed commented, sitting up beside Laxus. "I was always led to believe that my body would adjust to waking up early. Why hasn't it?"

"Guess you're just hardwired to be cranky," Laxus teased. "We can sleep in tomorrow, I'll get ya some coffee."

Freed thanked him, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as Laxus left the warmth of their bed. He shucked on the leopard print robe – which he wore both for the comfort it brought and the annoyance it caused in Freed – and trudged out of their bedroom and into the kitchen where he had prepared coffee in the percolator the night before; Freed hadn't exaggerated his distaste for being awake in the morning, so Laxus had been cautious.

The two men had been living together for about a year and a half. Their Magnolian apartment wasn't anything special. One bedroom, a kitchen-living room, a bathroom, and a tiny balcony. It was close enough to Freed's school that he could drive there, and directly above Laxus' gym. It wasn't much, but it was good for what they needed.

He flicked on the coffee machine to reheat the drink, walking to the kitchen pantry. He shifted a few boxes of protein assistants he knew Freed never moved, to pick out a small wrapped package and a single cupcake. He picked up a birthday cake candle that went unused before returning to the countertop. He made quick work of pouring them both a large mug of coffee, placing them on a tray along with the package, a butter knife and the cupcake, candle lit.

"Feeling any more awake?" Laxus asked as he nudged the door open with his foot.

"Not particularly," Freed groaned, before looking to Laxus with confusion.

"Happy anniversary," Laxus said in explanation, grinning.

Freed smiled at that, watching as Laxus placed the tray at the foot of the bed and handed him a mug of coffee. Laxus was quick to join Freed in the bed again, their shoulders pressed against each other. He picked up the cupcake and raised the candle to Freed's mouth to blow it out, which Freed did with a fond shake of the head and smile.

"Happy anniversary," Freed said, resting against Laxus.

"I know we said we ain't doing presents," Laxus said as he picked up the package. "I know we've been saving for the trip, and we agreed not to. But I just… I don't know, I thought you'd like this. It was cheap, so you can't get mad," Freed chuckled, picking the package up.

The two of them had been planning their anniversary trip away for a year. They had discussed going away for their second anniversary, but hadn't had the money. Laxus had quit his office job so that he could put all his focus into growing his personal training career, and Freed had taken an extension on his student loan so he could continue his studying at law school; he'd changed his major after his first year and wanted to see it through. Once they had discounted the option, they had promised each other that they'd save up and go away for the next one.

There had been some discussion as to where they could go, but they eventually settled on an idea: The Grand Canyon. The fact it was in the country meant they didn't need to pay for flights, and they could use their money on a luxury hotel and good food. And it felt right, returning to the place where they got together on their anniversary.

"You really do know how to charm a man, don't you," Freed grinned as he started to unwrap the present.

"You fell for me, so I'm doin' something right," Laxus laughed.

Freed removed the paper from the gift, revealing it to be a small framed picture. It was of the two of them from three years ago, sleeping in the back of the RV in each other's arms. Their sleeping faces were content, and their foreheads were resting against each other. It was one of the many pictures that Bickslow had taken of the two the night after they'd gotten together.

Laxus glanced up at Freed to see the man smiling softly at the picture. He rested his head against Laxus' shoulder and smiled. "Thank you."

"It's nothing," Laxus shrugged but smiled. "Happy anniversary," He repeated in a whisper.

"Happy anniversary."

They moved in sync, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. They had gotten a lot better at understanding each other's movements in the three years of being together, but the spark that ignited when they were together hadn't subsided.

Eventually, they pulled away from each other. Freed seemed a little annoyed, but Laxus took delight in reminding him that it was he who had chosen they get the early train meaning that they didn't have the time to lounge around with each other; or do something a little more… active with one another. Freed had glared at him for that, and all Laxus had done was wink and flex his bicep to further annoy the man.

Cutting the cupcake in half, they ate it in place of a real breakfast and promised each other they would eat on the train. It was a quiet moment between the two of them, a silent moment of domesticity. Laxus had grown to adore those moments after moving in with Freed, however fleeting they might have been.

"I suppose we should start waking up properly soon," He said after they'd eaten.

"We should," Freed agreed, nodding. "Thank you for the coffee, and the gift."

"Yer welcome," Laxus said with a smile.

He leant down and pressed their lips together again, this time in a chaste kiss. He pulled away with a smile, looking at his lover with adoration in his eyes.

"Love you," He murmured.

"Love you too," Freed smiled, leaning in for another kiss.

~~~

"This is the first-class cabin," Laxus said, frowning. "We meant to be in here?"

"Of course," Freed said, stepping further into the train.

"I thought we were just getting regular seats."

Laxus looked around the cabin. It was smaller than the standard classes, and with nobody else inside of it. Each seat had a table by it, all with cloths, complimentary coffee, and a breakfast menu. Freed handed Laxus a ticket while walking to a seat near the middle of the cabin, and Laxus looked to see that they were indeed booked into first class. This hadn't been something that Laxus had been told about, and he frowned a little.

"Can we afford this?" Laxus asked, sitting opposite Freed. "I mean, it's great, and I ain't gonna complain, but I didn't know-"

"It's a thank you," Freed said with a smile. "I know that my studying and work has been making me stressed, and sometimes irritable. And you've been incredibly patient with me, especially when you've started your own business. So, although we agreed that all the tips I made wouldn't be part of the vacation savings, I made sure to save about half of them. So, fair warning, there might be a fair few surprise that you'll face throughout the week."

"You didn't need to do that," Laxus said softly, though he was flattered and couldn't help but smile.

"I didn't," Freed agreed. "But you're my boyfriend, I love you, and I fully intend to spoil you whenever the opportunity presents itself."

"Thanks," Laxus said, ducking his head in embarrassment as he often did. To recover, he gave a smirk and spoke with a mischievous tone. "Does that mean that, when you become a famous big city lawyer to millionaires that I'm going to be spoiled every day. Because if not, you're gonna have to deal with a really bitchy trophy husband."

"So long as you keep your legs like tree-trunks and your abs well-defined, I'll keep spoiling you," Freed teased back.

"That's all I ask of ya," Laxus laughed.

As the train started to move, Laxus looked out of the window while giving Freed a small nudge with his foot under the table; a silent sign of appreciation for what Freed had done. It had been quite quick in their relationship for them both to realise that Laxus used small physical gestures to show his appreciation for the man. Bickslow had once claimed it was a type of love language, and explained that the ways people showed affection ranged and that Laxus wasn't the type to use his words, particularly in public.

Laxus didn't particularly care for the weird social sciences behind it all. All he cared about was that Freed knew that with these small nudges, brushes against him, and tapping on his skin was his way of showing the man he loved him, and he was thinking about him.

He seemed to understand that, and nudged Laxus back in response.

The train ride was, as expected of being in a first-class cabin alone, luxurious. They were given a complimentary breakfast of bacon sausage and eggs, which had been given to them just as Laxus started to feel a sense of hunger. The coffee and juice they had been serves had been delightful, as had been the silence of the cabin. Laxus was glad he'd gotten over the slight motion sickness he got on trains, plains and boats, as he wouldn't have enjoyed this nearly enough if he was fighting off vomit.

As their empty plates were taken away, Laxus almost made a joke about how easy it would have been to get to the canyon three years ago if they'd taken the train. But then he was reminded of just how much had happened over that week, and the comment died on his tongue and he was wrapped up in the memories of their road trip.

Getting to know Freed, their shared kiss atop the RV, their date, the flirting at their stops.

All of that could have gone if they hadn't made the week into a road trip. If they had spent the day at the canyon then chances were that he and Freed wouldn't have gotten to know each other. He wouldn't be in love with the man, and instead he would be some kind of fleeting memory of a guy that Laxus had found attractive but hadn't had the balls to have a real conversation with. He would be a stranger, not a lover.

Hell, Laxus' life would have been pretty damn different. Freed had been the one to encourage him to leave his job and focus on personal training. And Laxus wouldn't have been able to keep a place of his own, so he might have still been living with Makarov. He would likely be exactly where he was three years ago; discontented, bored, and essentially alone.

But that hadn't happened. He had gotten to know the man he loved, and he was now sharing a third anniversary with him. All these hypothetical situations were entirely useless, because he was living the best life he could right now. And watching Freed's content, gorgeous face as he assessed the passing views through the window just proved it.

In retrospect, he was damn glad they hadn't taken the train.

~~~

When Freed had said that there would be a fair few surprise throughout the trip, he certainly had meant it.

After they'd arrived at the hotel, they had been guided to the most expensive and luxurious suite the place had to offer; the bellhop had even claimed it was the honeymoon suite, a fact which made Laxus blush slightly. After they'd unpacked, they had walked down to one of many restaurants and Laxus had eaten the best steak he'd ever had. When they'd returned from lunch to their room, they'd slept for a little while – Laxus had almost melted into the bed – and had been awoken by someone calling their room remining them of their couple's spa appointment. This had consisted of a few treatments, and then a class on how to massage one another. Laxus hadn't realised how many knots he had until Freed's hand had worked them out.

He was somewhat concerned about how much everything costed, but he knew that Freed wasn't the type to spend money he didn't have nor wasn't willing to lose. And even on his wage as a waiter, he always paid equally on the rent.

And Blue Pegasus did get rich customers, ones who would fall for Freed's easy charm. He was probably flirting without knowing. The thought made Laxus smile.

After completing the spa treatment, Freed claimed he had nothing else scheduled for the rest of the day; other than the evening walk to the canyon itself, but that had been planned between them both beforehand. Rather than returning to their room again, they had decided to have a coffee at one of the bars that overlooked the relatively empty pools of the complex.

"Thanks," Laxus said through the silence. "For all of this. It's really nice of ya."

"You really don't need to thank me, Laxus," Freed said with a smile. "Sometimes, I think you forget that you deserve to be treated and spoiled. You often do these things for me that mean a lot more than you might think. You downplay all the things you do for me, and I think that you don't understand what they mean to me, so I just wanted to make it clear that I more than appreciate all you do, and love you for it."

"I think you're bein' too kind," Laxus laughed, unable to take a compliment.

"I'm not," Freed denied. "The amount of time's you've come to the library with food because you knew I had to study and wasn't looking after myself, and you didn't once complain. I know it was you who organised the weekly nights out with Bix and Ever when I was getting stressed. Even the fact that you gave me that picture today; you have no idea how… loved you make me feel."

"You sound like you're describing some rom-com character," Laxus laughed, again trying to deflect.

"One day you'll be able to take a compliment without being awkward," Freed chuckled. "What I'm trying to say it, I know all the things you've been doing. I understand that these things you do are how you show affection. And that I love you so much, and that you deserve to feel the same sense of love and comfort that I do every time you do these things for me."

Laxus didn't say anything, and Freed didn't push him. They both knew that the intention of Freed's actions was understood.

They sat at the table in a comfortable silence for a little while longer, Laxus with his leg resting against Freed's. He had taken his lover's hand in his own and was gently rubbing his thumb against the calloused palm. In this gesture, Laxus was trying to show as clearly as possible how much he cared for Freed, and how he appreciated him just as much as Freed claimed.

Freed simply knocked his knee in reply, a silent message saying his meaning had been understood.

"This might sound slightly weird," Freed spoke again after a while. "But I'm always reminded of you when I think about swimming."

"You are?" Laxus asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"Yes. It was at that waterpark when I realised that I hadn't been in love before," Freed began, looking out at the empty pools with fondness. "It was on that obstacle course. You had tripped and fallen on your face, and were so determined to win that you actually grabbed by ankle and dragged me down with you. And I looked over my shoulder and you had this ridiculous grin on your face because you were so cocky about what you'd done, and it just hit me. I just understood that I could feel so strongly about you, could be so reinvigorated by you, that nothing I'd had in the past would ever come close to you."

Laxus was momentarily stunned. Freed had thought so passionately about him then, on the third day that they had known each other?

"You've never told me that," He eventually said.

"Well, I used to be embarrassed by it because I barely knew you and I considered loving you. And it hasn't really come up since, but given the mood I thought I should tell you," Freed smiled a little then. "Also, right after that, you used my momentary lapse of concentration to push me into the water. Thus making me lose a bet, which you've been gloating about ever since."

Laxus chuckled, and grinned at the man. "You shouldn't make a bet you ain't willing to play dirty to win."

"I suppose not," Freed agreed.

"I knew I'd be in love with you on that week too," Laxus confessed, blushing a little. "I had a crush on ya when I first saw ya. But by the end of the week, I just had a feeling that one day I'd be in love with ya. Guess I was right."

"I suppose you were," Freed agreed, and they shared a private, lovestruck smile.

~~~

"I believe it was exactly here where we had our first real kiss," Freed said with a grin.

Laxus chuckled. The two of them were standing in the camping spot where, three years prior, Bickslow had parked up the RV. Just like three years ago, the sky was in the mid-section between the evening and the night, creating a soft orange that illuminated the impressive landmass before them. It was just as Laxus had remembered, both moving and humbling.

The walk towards the canyon had been one of the quiet moments Laxus loved. It was just the two of them in the open, with soft wind hitting them and cooling off the summer heat that had been battering down on them for the past few weeks. They had been hand in hand as they walked, relishing each other's company.

"The exact place, huh," Laxus said with a smile. "You seem pretty confident about that."

"Of course," Freed replied. "I have a good memory and I remember the exact position of the stars from where we had been sitting. And that was right here. Furthermore, the distance from the-"

"You're just guessing, ain't ya?" Laxus asked with a smirk.

"Yes," Freed admitted, grinning.

Shaking his head, Laxus pulled the man into a kiss. It was chaste and only lasted a moment, but they pulled apart with smiles on their faces. Laxus had always thought that Freed looked beautiful in the natural light, and the evening sun hitting their faces was a testament to that. The way his almost perfect skin glowed, the reflection in his eyes, the small quirk in his lips in a smile.

"You're so beautiful," Laxus mumbled, his nose pressing against Freed's. "I love you so fuckin' much."

"I love you too," Freed reciprocated. "I'm glad we came back here."

"Me too," Laxus whispered, pulling Freed into another kiss.

Rather than continuing the walk or returning to the hotel, they decided that they would spend some time sitting at the canyon and enjoying the view together. They walked closer to the canyon, climbing atop a large boulder, sitting with their legs dangling above the large pit. Their shoulders rested against each other, and the gentle wind that cooled them also gently ruffled their hair. The slowly setting son practically silhouetted them from behind, and it felt as though they were the only two people in the world at that moment.

The romance of the situation wasn't lost on the man, and he found himself resting his head against Freed's shoulder.

Freed's words from earlier in the day were still resonating in his head. Laxus had never been the type to do big grand romantic gestures, and although he'd gotten a lot better at speaking about what he felt and talking about his feelings, he would always prefer showing his romantic side in smaller, more subtle ways. The fact that Freed knew and appreciated that was such a great feeling that Laxus could hardly understate it.

Although, he had felt that Freed had been too harsh on himself. Yeah, the man had been stressed with his final year of school, but he hadn't been nasty with that stress. He's still tried to make Laxus feel loved, even on his worse days. That was something that Laxus wasn't going to overlook.

They were lucky to have found each other, and the thought made Laxus laugh a happy laugh.

"What?" Freed asked with a smile.

"Just thinking," Laxus shook his head. "About our relationship. And the fact it took us like eight months after we started dating to actually call each other our boyfriends. Especially since we both knew we'd be in love with each other the first week we met each other. Just crap at labels I guess."

"I suppose," Freed said with chuckle. "I've never really thought that labels were all that important, so long as we cared for each other and loved each other."

"Yeah, guess so," Laxus agreed with a smile, closing his eyes contently.

"Though, I must admit that I have come around to certain labels," Freed said, somewhat mysteriously.

Laxus waited a moment, expecting to hear a continuation of whatever Freed was thinking. When there wasn't one, Laxus opened his eyes. He looked at the mans face for a moment, to see that he was looking out over the canyon still. With a frown, Laxus' gaze fell slightly to their intertwined hands on the boulder, only to see something had been placed between them both. His eyes widened when he realised what it was.

A small, black velvet box, in which held an elegant obsidian ring.

"I should apologise for lying," Freed said, grin unhindered now. "I had one more surprise left for you."

"Is that a…" Laxus began, at a loss for words as he looked down at the ring glinting in the sun. "Did you… are you… I don't actually know-"

"I understand that you wouldn't want a large speech, that it would make you uncomfortable and clam up slightly, so I'll forgo that tradition," Freed continued, looking towards Laxus now, running his fingers over Laxus' knuckles. "But I just want you to know this. The moment I met you, I knew that you'd be the man I love. That has been more than true, and it would be a great honour if you chose to become my husband."

"You wanna-" Laxus asked, voice cracking with emotion. "I mean, just to be completely sure, you're asking me to marry you?"

"Really, you truly need to get better with compliments," Freed shook his head fondly. He leant forward, and their foreheads pressed together as Freed lifted the ring. "I am asking you to marry me, Laxus."

There was a beat, and then Laxus wore the biggest most dopey smile he had ever worn.

"Yes. Of fucking course I will," Laxus said in delight.

They were kissing a moment later, Laxus wrapping the man he loved in his arms a moment later in a tight and needy embrace. Freed laughed in the kiss, showing the same amount of glee that Laxus was feeling inside. He felt a giddy sensation flow throughout him as he leant further into his lover's kiss. His future husband's kiss.

When they pulled apart, they hardly moved, and that was only so Freed could carefully remove the ring from it's box and slide it down Laxus' finger. Laxus looked down at the black-stone jewellery, and it filled him with such a feeling of completeness that it physically made him ache.

"It's beautiful," Laxus whispered, then looked up to Freed with adoration on his face. "It's so fucking…" The words wouldn't come to him, and he didn't care. "I love you so fucking much."

"I love you too," Freed whispered with a small laugh. "And I fully intend to love you for the rest of my life."

Overcome by emotion, Laxus brought their lips together again in a strong, emotional kiss. He brought Freed as close as he could, portraying everything he felt in a single, beautiful kiss.

As they kissed, enraptured in their own world, the sun set low on the canyon before them.

#fraxus week #fraxus week 2020 #fraxus #freed justine #Laxus Dreyar #fairy tail #fanfic #writing #event #multichapter #modern au

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kileyrose-2003 · 5 years ago

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Dan Torrance x Fem! Reader Pt.2

A/N: Hello lovelies. This is part 2 of my Danny Fic series where it heavily revolves around Rose. If the ending to this part seems choppy that is because part 3 I am picking up with Rose and Crow’s side of the story. Link to the intro is here , link to pt. 1 is here

I hope you all are having a wonderful day and you all!

Warnings: None

"..By signing this document you are willingly committing to six months of rehab. Upon signing this you are also agreeing to also seclude yourself to the outside for a minimum of two weeks. No visitations either." The elderly woman sitting behind the desk was eyeing you judgmentally and you didn't have to be in her head to know she was calling you a whore.

"Do you understand the terms and conditions?" There was an awkward silence and you looked at Danny. "Dan? You understand?"

"Yeah I do, I just-" He bit his lips and tears started flowing down his cheeks, highlighting his freshly shaved face. "I've gotten so used to seeing you every day and now we're being torn apart again." Dan squeezed your hand.

"I know but Danny, it's for the better. It's only two weeks we won't be allowed to see each other." You tried to comfort him while also contain your emotions.

"That's the minimum though. It could be longer than that and you keep me grounded from sun up when you hold my hand while we have breakfast to sun down when you hold me at night. You're a safe person and I'm scared of losing you."

"D-danny." Your voice cracked. "I'll still be here when you get out and we can still have that but you need help. I love you and I want you to be secure enough where you don't need me for that support. You made it I've 20 years without me and we made it through. We can still make it through. I promise."

He didn't say anything for a minute. "You promise?" You nodded. "I promise." In a burst of energy he picked up the pen and signed the paper before covering his face with his hands.

You stood up and wrapped your arms around his back to hug him. "You did the right thing." He kissed your hands over and over again. "I love you," He whispered so softly you could barely hear him. "I love you too, Danny."

The woman behind the desk coughed and stood up. "Are you ready to begin, Mr. Torrance?" You glared at her and released your grip on Danny. "I guess this is goodbye."

"Yeah.." Dan wiped a tear away from your and held your hand in his. "Goodbye, Y/n." You gave the top of his hand one last kiss before he walked away. "Goodbye."

Once he was definitely gone you walked outside and were greeted by Dr. John and Billy. "He went?" You nodded and your lip began to tremble. "Yeah.."

"You okay?" Billy asked softly. You looked up at the cloudy sky and felt your relating to the dark hues of grey and black forming in the swirls like the windstorm of emotions you felt inside.

"I-" You knees gave in and you dropped to the ground as it began to rain. The drops of water falling as violently as your tears. Both men pulled you into a hug, not caring if they were going soaked. "D-danny.." You sobbed into them. "It's alright, Y/n. He's going to be alright.."

It was one of the hardest things you ever had to do in your life. You cried every single day when you woke up in the morning. Subconsciously reaching out to place a kiss on his cheek in the spot he would usually lay on the bed and find he wasn't there.

The house was empty without him. You started nursing school in hopes of getting a head start on your life with Danny and he'd always be there when you got home clinicals. Dealing with your tears that you had been bottling in all day after getting hours at the local hospice or hugging you tightly when you got to save someone's life in the ER but you couldn't share those moments with him anymore.

More often than not, either John or Billy would come over after they got out to work to check on you. Sometimes they'd stay for dinner that way you didn't feel as lonely and other times they didn't but, you appreciated the support either way and they made sure you were taken care of.

When Danny got out of rehab he changed. Alot. He looked healthy and clean and it made you happy, which made him happy. After six months of not being able to see you just that smile you gave at seeing him clean was worth it.

He was even clingier than he was before after not seeing you for six months. Always having to hold your hand when you went places together but you didn't mind as long as he was comfortable.

It was the first time in a long time you didn't feel the pains of your past coming back to haunt you and you didn't have to constantly worry about everything. You almost felt like you were in a quasi state of peace and so did Danny.

Not long after you graduated from college Danny proposed, probably one of the happiest days in your life next to your wedding.

The wedding itself was small as you and Danny kept to yourself and neither of you had any family. Well, you did but any relationship you had with them was long out the window and you didn't want them near Danny anyways. You were free now and you had the power to make your own choices and live your life the way you wanted to with no one to hold you back.

"You saved me, you know that right?" You mumbled into Danny's chest as he held you while the two of you enjoyed your first dance. "You saved me too. If you weren't here, I'd be long gone. I'd have nothing to live for."

"Sometimes I feel the same way." He dipped his head down to kiss you on the lips and as he did you seen your mother's ghost standing in the corner. Chills ran up and down your spine and that fleeting bliss slowly began to subside.

(Ka is a wheel, Y/n. Ka is a wheel..)

...

8 years later:

"Danny, what did I tell you?" You asked as your husband of five years plopped down next to you on the sofa in your typical salt box, New England style house in Frazier.

"You only said no flowers and there is only one five year anniversary so might as well I spoil you while I have the chance?" You shook your head and began to rip off some of the wrapping paper on the tiny box he laid in your hands.

"I don't need to spoiled, Danny." You rolled your eyes and open the tiny box. There was a ring with y/f/c diamond in the inside and you smiled. "Aww Danny, it's beautiful."

"Aren't you glad I spoil you then?" He grabbed a remote on your coffee table to turn on your stereo and pulled you into his arms. "Danny! Danny, you know I can't dance."

"Now you're just being stubborn." There was some light rock music from the 80s playing softly in the background and though the singer's voice was far from enjoyable, you were content.

"This is nice." You hummed softly and laid your head right up against his heart. "I know..I feel so calm. So at peace. If I could spend the rest of my life with you like this, I would."

"Me too..You don't regret it, Danny?" You asked sweetly. "Of all the people you chose to settle down with, you settled down with me."

"No, because I'm with you. The most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Inside and out." You blushed and moved your head away from his chest, wrapping your arms around his neck that way you could look at him. "I love everything about you." You blushed and giggled slightly. "Stop it, Danny."

"It's true though, I do love everything about you. Your smile, your laugh, the way your hair flows in the wind, how loving you are. Everything about you, I adore." You stared into Dan's eyes and you felt your heart flutter. There was nothing but pure affection for you in his eyes and a feeling of deja vu set in, making your heart sink.

You realized it was the same way you remembered Crow looking at Rose but you immediately pushed that out of your mind. 'Stop it, Y/n!' You told yourself. 'They don't matter anymore. You have Danny now and Danny is your everything. ' "Honey?" He ran his thumb gently across your cheek. "Are you okay?"

"Yes..I just- I love you so so much, Danny." He kissed you sweetly on the lips. "I love you too, Y/n." You held his face in your hands. "Promise me you'll never leave me?"

"I'll be with you until the day I die and after." You caressed his cheek as he swayed you back and forth. "I may not know a lot but, I know enough to know that we go after all this."

"I figured just as much," You smiled and let him spin you. "Tell me Danny, do you think we'll be like this in another 30 years from now when we're old and gray? Because I hope we are."

"Even if we aren't, you'll still be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." He pulled your body close to his chest and you giggled. "I love you, Mr. Torrance."

"I love you too, Mrs. Torrance. More than anything in the world." He dipped you and you let out a small laugh. Just as he was about to lean down and kiss you on the lips, you heard a clicking noise coming from the next room. "What's that?"

"Little Pen Pal." Dan planted a kiss on your cheek and straightened the both of your bodies out before walking into the next room. Your hands intertwined together.

'Morning!'

'Just us time today.' You and Dan both agreed on but Dan looked at you with those sappy eyes you couldn't resist and you smiled softly and held out a piece of chalk to Dan. "Go ahead." He bounced up like an excited child and anxiously raced over to the chalkboard writing a tiny 'School' with a smiley and you chuckled.

"How old do you think she is by now?" You thought about it for a moment. "I don't know. Maybe 12 or 13. She was little when we moved here and it's been a while since then."

You drew him close once he stopped writing and kissed his cheek. "Honey?" Dan hummed in reply and turned his neck to look at you. "I know we've only talked about it a couple of times but do you want to have a baby?"

There was a pause followed by a kiss on your nose. "I mean..I don't really know. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me doesn't want to put you at risk or just-what if I relapse and I fuck up? Big time. I wouldn't feel right subjecting our child to all that."

"Okay, okay. Just figured I'd ask." You spun him towards you and wrapped your arms around his neck. "Do you want to have one?"

You thought back to your childhood and sure when you were little, members of The Knot were always good with how they interacted with you, you thought you didn't know a thing about raising a child. "I-i don't know. That's what I'm scared of too..me messing up."

"You messing up?" Dan chuckled. "Honey, you're a nurse in a pediatrician's office. If there's anyone who's the baby whisperer here, it's you." You laughed and nuzzled close to him. "Well, that and my childhood."

Dan frowned and cradled your face in his hands, forcing you to look at him. "Y/n, you of all people know I'm never going to push you-"

"Danny," You warned, not wanting to hear the words but he continued on.

"To do or say something you don't want to but honey, you're going to have to open up eventually."

"I know Danny, I know. I'm just not ready for it yet." Tears started to threaten to fall from the corners of your eyes and Danny wiped them away. "Shh..I know. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to you but just know I'm ready to listen when you're ready to tell. Okay?"

"Okay." He kissed you softly on the lips and caressed the sides of your face. You could feel him try to poke through your mind. "Danny!" You shut him out. "Sorry! Sorry! I just..I love you, Y/n. You know that right? And I'd never, ever, do anything to hurt you or let anyone hurt you. You're my world. My everything."

"I know, and I love you too." Your eyes interlocked for a moment as if you were searching each other all through out an he grabbed you by your thighs and hoisted you up that way your legs were wrapped around his waist. "Danny, what are you doing?" You asked, thrown off by the change in mood. "I'm about to show you just how much I love you." You blushed and let out a giggle. "Oh!"

He laughed as he began to carry you off to your bedroom. "I love your response. Just an oh."

...

Hours later the two of you laid all curled up in each other's arms in the aftermaths of your act of passion, talking about every little thing that entered your minds.

"..Do you remember that show from when we were kids that had buff skeleton dude in it?" You looked at Danny like he had five heads. "No.."

"That and Looney Tunes was my shit when I was younger." You laughed and laid your head against. "I person was more of a Disney Princess person."

"Of course you were." You furrowed your brows and looked at Danny. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He kissed your cheeks and ran a hand through your locks. "Nothing. Just saying."

"Hmm." Danny laughed and nuzzled you close, enjoying the momentarily silence between the two of you. "God, the stereo must of been on for hours now."

"What makes you say that?" You looked up at him. "Do you hear the song in the background?" You shook your head and he helped you off the bed. "It's older than what the patients at my work listen too."

"Danny, I highly doubt tha-"

When shadows fall and trees whisper day is ending,

"You hear it right?"

'Grampa Flick’s favorite song,' You thought.

"Yeah." Your face dropped but Danny didn't seem to notice. "I don't think I've ever heard it before. It's different, right?"

My thoughts are ever wending home.

"Sure." Your chest felt constricted, like you couldn't breath and you felt like you wanted to run from everything. "Sweetheart?" You stared at the floor. "Yes, Danny?" You responded. "Do you mind if I get in the shower?"

"Not at all. It's almost 4. Isn't our reservation at the restaurant for 6?"

"Yeah. Formal dress."

"I know." He shut the door to the bathroom connected to your room and you held the remote to the stereo in your hand. Out of the corner of your eye you seen your mom standing by the front door to your house.

Night covers all and though fortune may forsake me,

(Ka is a wheel, Y/n.)

Sweet dreams will never take me home.

"Fuck off!" You chucked the remote to the stereo into the other side of the living room before going into the guest bathroom and stepping into the shower as if the water would wash your worries away. Not everything had to be a wheel. This has to be the end. It has to be...”

#doctor sleep #dr sleep #rose the hat #crow daddy #Danny Torrance #dan torrance #The Shining #stephen king #imagine #x reader #x fem reader #fanfiction #fanfic #abra stone

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sparrowmoth · 4 years ago

Note

Fandom asks 5 and 8?!

Thank you, @mycroftinthemindpalace! ♥

5. Do you have a favorite character “type?” What do your favorite characters have in common?

There’s two or three distinct types that recur as my faves. One of them would be the badass goth/alternative ladies who are always the first to catch my eye in media. Examples include, but are not limited to: Mal, Evie, and Uma (Descendants, ofc), Raven (OG Teen Titans), Kenzi (Lost Girl), Rosa (B99), andddd Harley Quinn. This type almost universally overlaps with the second one, which is…

The Feral Ones With Tragic Backstories And Marshmallow Hearts Whose Ability To Kick Your Ass Should Not Be Underestimated, who include Carlos (obviously), Daine (from the ship mentioned above), Ja’far (also as mentioned above), Nancy (Diablero), and Peter Parker (Spider-man).

Finally, we have the type that I most often ship with the types above: the sunny, extroverted, over-confident one who can be kind of a dick, but actually they’re pretty soft once you get past their defences (which are usually put up in response to a troubled past). Examples include: Jay (naturally), Sinbad (mentioned above), and Numair (ment. above). Also, uhhh, non-human example would be Dodger from Oliver & Company haha.

8. Best fandom experience?

Descendants! Descendants!! Can’t say enough good things about Descendants. Next month will be my one year anniversary in this fandom (very excited) and I can say without any exaggeration it’s not only been the best fandom experience I’ve ever had, but one which I don’t expect will ever be topped. It’s just not possible.

I have a lot of love for the community because, from day one, the people I’ve met have been nothing but welcoming, supportive, and incredibly kind. Honestly, I don’t consider myself good at making friends since I’ve always had trouble inserting myself into existing groups, so anywhere there’s a clique involved… it’s just not happening for me. And thing is, Descendants being a well established fandom, I fully expected to be the wallflower in the corner writing fics for my own enjoyment and maybe getting an occasional thumbs up from like one (1) other person.

Instead, uh… this fandom somehow made me into an extrovert and now that’s a problem you all have to deal with lmao.

But yeah, in all seriousness, I have to be incredibly sappy and say that this fandom is best fandom because I genuinely love the people I’ve met here and just… the way this fandom has affected me has been overwhelmingly positive. It’s not something I could have ever predicted, but I’m so grateful for it. I’m literally just… happier. I really am.

Fandom Asks

#mycroftinthemindpalace #thank you!#<3 #descendants fandom #the ask box #I will never shut up about how much I love this fandom I'm sorry jkldjskljdgklsg

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thewritewolf · 5 years ago

Text

Eating Habits Chapter 1: Anniversary

Things have never looked better for Adrien and his girlfriend, Marinette. Adrien has been living happily on his own, with frequent visits to the Dupain-Cheng bakery. Marinette is about to enter a design university and already has a thriving online store. Gabriel Agreste is serving a 184 year long sentence (92 on good behavior). Yes, it looks like its all turned out wonderfully for them in the last six years.

Now, if only Adrien could convince Marinette to take things easy, everything would be just perfect...

(While this is the third part in the series, you can skip the first two parts without missing much besides soft fluff)

First Part: Four Times and the Lucky One | Ao3

Second Part: Just Between Us | Ao3

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 (Final)

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3.

Adrien glanced at the clock. Still an hour or two to go before their date for the anniversary, but now was as good a time as any to stop. He slowed down and turned off the treadmill. Just because there wasn’t any supervillains left to fight didn’t mean he should let himself get out of shape, after all. Or maybe it wasn’t so much his superhero instincts as his supermodel instincts.

Either way, the highlights of both those careers were behind him, even if he could still technically be called both.

After getting changed back into his street clothes, Adrien stepped out of the gym and made his way home to take a shower. Or at least, what counted as his home for now. The apartment he lived in was fancier than what Marinette was used to, but it was still a big downgrade from the manor that he had spent his childhood in. He preferred it this way though - there was more life with a few neighbors around, and less space meant less that he had to fill. Besides, he wasn’t there a lot so it didn’t matter much anyway.

A shower, fresh change into nice clothes, some expensive cologne, half an hour making his hair the perfect balance of messy and styled, some extra cheese to keep Plagg fat and lazy, and he was out the door again.

No, the place where he really spent most of his time was where he was headed now - the Dupain-Cheng bakery. The place had practically become his real home years ago. Not long after he started dating Marinette, as a matter of fact. Tom and Sabine weren’t his in-laws… yet. But he was sure they would be someday. In the meantime, they treated him as one of their own, with all the love and affection he never had before.

He almost walked past a flower shop without going inside. Almost. On the bright side, he did refrain from buying Marinette a whole bouquet of flowers. But only because she was very insistent that she was running out of space for them all. Between his lack of impulse control and her green thumb, her small room over the bakery was becoming more like a greenhouse than a bedroom. Instead, he settled for just one flower.

The bakery smelled as delicious and wonderful as it had every day he’d ever gone there. He’d gotten the scent of bread and sweets so associated with the place that just a whiff was enough to make his heart soar. The bell above the door alerted them to his arrival.

Sabine smiled at him as he approached and they shared cheek kisses. “Oh, hello, sweetheart! It’s wonderful to see you again!” She said it was such feeling that Adrien had never doubted her, even if it was always the first thing she said to him every time they saw each other. “Will you be coming over for dinner again this weekend?”

“Of course, maman! How could I refuse such a delicious meal?”

“Is that Adrien?” A man’s booming voice shouted from the kitchen in the back. Tom emerged, a wide grin on his face and flour all over him as he walked toward Adrien.

Adrien’s eyes widened and he held up his hands. “Wait, I-” But it was too late. Tom had picked him up in a great big bear huge and he was lifted so high that his feet dangled off the ground.

“Oh, sorry, son!” Tom had the decency to look down abashedly at the mess he’d made of Adrien’s nice clothes, which were now spotted with flour.

“Don’t worry, papa. This won’t take me long to fix. I got here plenty early,” Adrien flashed a quick smile up at Tom. “Actually, is Marinette here? I could probably use her help.”

“Sure, sure.” Tom waved a hand toward the back door leading into their home. “She’s probably working in her room as we speak.”

He smiled and waved at the both of them before heading upstairs, feeling just like the fourteen year old boy who’d visit after school years ago. He opened her trapdoor and sure enough, there she was. So lost in her commissions that she hadn’t gotten ready for their date yet. Which also meant she hadn’t noticed him yet, and he got to bask in her ‘focus face’ - tongue slightly out, nose scrunched, eyes narrowed - for a little while longer.

While he would’ve been fine missing their reservation if it meant watching her work for a little longer, alas, she eventually noticed him. She fell backwards with a squawk and he rushed forward to give her a hand up.

“Adrien what are you-” She winced. “It’s today, isn’t it?”

He nodded patiently.

“...How long have you been watching?”

“Long enough to remember all over again just how adorable you are.”

She groaned. “I was making the face again wasn’t I?”

He kissed the hand he had taken to help her up. “Precious as always.” He held out the flower he had bought for her, a white tulip. “For you, my lady.”

Her eyebrows scrunched up, but the tension left her face almost immediately as she smelled the flower. She smiled up at him. “My favorite.”

“A tulip for your two lips?” He leaned down and closed his eyes.

“Oh my God, Adrien,” she said, laughing. “Okay, fine, but only because you went through all that effort.” She pressed her lips to his, wrapping her arms around his neck as she did. She pulled away and seemed to notice his suit for the first time. A twinkle of mirth shone in her eyes. “I see papa got a little too excited to see you again.”

“Nothing new there.” He shrugged. “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to help a poor boy out…?”

“Sure, just give me a minute to get changed.”

“No problem,” Adrien sat down on her well worn chaise and made no secret of watching her.

“Adrien…”

“Hm…?”

“Downstairs, sunshine.” She sternly pointed at the trapdoor. “I’ll call you back up when I’m ready.” Pouting, he paused every other step to shoot a pleading look at her over his shoulder. Eventually she got tired of him and pushed him forward, laughing. “Go, you tomcat!”

Adrien stepped outside her bedroom and sat on the stairs. Pulling out his phone, he checked the time and double checked his reservation. They still had half an hour to get there and it was close by. Plenty of time. After a few minutes of listening to rustling clothing, the door was opened above him and he walked back in.

“What do you think?”

Adrien’s eyes roved over her light summer dress and its pastel colors. He cupped her cheek with a soft smile.

“As beautiful as ever, lovebug.” He stepped back and offered his arm. “Ready to go?”

She giggled and gestured to his suit. “Forgetting something?”

A glance down reminded him of the flour. “Ah, right. I think I remember you promising me a hand?

After a quick clean up, they walked arm in arm out of the bakery and to their favorite restaurant.

----------------

The night was already going well with good food and a pleasant buzz from their drinks. Conversation was flowing between them, mostly one-sided as Marinette filled him in on everything that had happened since the last time they’d gotten to chat freely the week before. More commissions. Her last shifts at the bakery. Which brought her to the reasons she’d been saving so much money in the first place.

“...So I found an apartment.”

Adrien smiled as he poured both of them another glass of wine. “I can’t wait to see it. How close is it to your university?”

“That’s the best part! It’s within walking distance, just a couple blocks away.” Marinette took a sip of her wine while doing a happy shimmy. “I’ll save on commuting costs, and the rent is super cheap too.”

There was a surge of worry before Adrien quickly smoothed it over. Just because it was cheap didn’t mean it was bad. Maybe she’d just found a good deal was all. And even if it was… lacking… she’d be able to improve it, no problem.

“I’m so happy for you! You’re already ahead of the fashion game with all your contacts and professional experience. Having an education in design will be the final thing you need to really excel in the business. You’re going to do amazing, I just know it!”

“Thanks!” She ducked her head shyly. “I’ve been so nervous about… well, everything, to be honest,” she admitted with a giggle. “In a little under a month, I’ll be out of the bakery and putting my skills to the test. And it’s a pretty prestigious university, so I bet I’ll have some competition too.”

“It’s nothing you can’t handle, princess.” His smile faded as he swirled the last dregs in his wine glass.

He felt her take his other hand and he looked up to see her concerned frown. “I know it’s hard, Adrien, and I’m sorry Nino and Alya couldn’t make it. But you know we’re all right here behind you, all the way.”

He nodded, biting his lips. It’d been two years to the day. They had all met up last year to celebrate... and to forget. Sure, he didn’t expect it to really turn into a yearly tradition, and Alya and Nino had tried their best to make it... but it still stung a little that they couldn’t.

“I’ve been talking your ear off this whole time about what I’m doing. What about you, kitty?” She leaned forward to rest her chin and her hands, looking at him with tender affection in her eyes. “What’s next in life for you?”

Adrien didn’t have an answer for that.

---------------

Full, laughing, and slightly tipsy, Adrien walked Marinette to her front door just as the streetlights began to turn on.

“And you know I’ll be there for you forever and ever and ever, yeah?” He grinned from ear to ear, looking more like Chat Noir than Adrien Agreste in the moment.

“Silly kitty.” She leaned in a little closer. “I think just helping me move in a couple of weeks will be enough.”

His arm snaked around her waist, pressing her flush to him. “Then you can count on my help. Even if I have to carry in a hundred boxes alone.” He pulled back one arm to flex.

She rested her forehead against his chest and laughed. “You’re such a dork.”

“Your dork.”

She hummed in agreement. Rolling onto her toes, she gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. “Good night, Adrien. I love you.”

He sighed happily. “Ahh, that takes me back.” He let her pull away from him. “I love you too, Marinette. Pleasant dreams.”

After flashing him one more smile, she ducked inside and closed the door behind her. Adrien spent a few long moments standing there, grinning like a dork, before a tiny, snide voice from inside his coat pocket drew him out of his reverie.

“You done staring at the woodwork, kid? Or do you want a few more minutes?”

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t even manage to be exasperated. He was riding high after tonight, and he felt like nothing could drag him down. Not even grumpy cheese cats.

While it wouldn’t take him long to get home as Chat Noir… the summer night was warm and pleasant. He could almost pretend to see the stars above him. It would be a shame not to enjoy a little stroll back to his apartment.

On his way inside, he noticed that he had mail, but was in such a pleasant mood that he didn’t even glance at it until he’d shut his door behind him. As he kicked off his shoes, he finally looked at the envelope.

The prison-issued envelope.

His smile, a semi-permanent fixture on his face ever since heading over the bakery earlier that day, vanished like fog before the dawn. After skimming the contents, he neatly folded it back up and tossed it into a box of depressingly similar letters.

Try as he might, he couldn’t shake off the bad mood. His only consolation as he drifted off to sleep was that at least tomorrow would be a new day.

#Miraculous Ladybug #Adrien Agreste #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Adrienette #tom dupain #Sabine Cheng #Plagg #ml fanfiction #my writing #Eating Habits #The Lucky One series #Can't tell you how long I've wanted to write this series #been sitting in my inbox for months #some of it is *at least* from december of last year #and now we're getting into the meat of it!#very excited for this

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a-damn-good-medic · 4 years ago

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Meet the Muse

Tagged by: @cromwellharvests

Tagging: STEAL IT

Name ➔ Charlotte Beatrice Samaritan. Just Lottie or Samari is fine! ► Are you single ➔ Yep, kinda married to my job at this point though... ► Are you happy ➔ I try to keep a positive attitude! ► Are you angry? ➔ Nope! Honestly can’t remember the last time I got mad ► Are your parents still married ➔ Yep! 25th Anniversary next year!

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ The small town of Limoux in the southern countryside, not too far from Fotset ► Hair Color ➔ Black ► Eye Color ➔ Honey Brown, thank my dad for that! ► Birthday ➔ 17th August 1893 ► Mood ➔ I should probably be getting to bed but I’m lacking self control ► Gender ➔ Female ► Summer or winter ➔ Winter, it gets way too hot down South in the summer ► Morning or afternoon ➔ Afternoon, I haven’t been a morning person since I was a kid

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ Nope, I don’t seem to fall for people very easily ► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ Hmmm, I don’t know, just because I haven’t felt it doesn’t mean it’s out there somewhere for me ► Who ended your last relationship ➔ I did, we hadn’t seen each other for two years at that point due to my work and communication grew distant ► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ I don’t think so? I doubt he really cared anymore ► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ I haven’t really tested it out yet. I like to think that I’m not but I’m really focused on my job at the moment ► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ Yep! My favourite kind of affection! ► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Nope! ► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Nah, I’ve never really get that invested in someone in a romantic way

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ The traditional country girl in me has got to go with love ► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Lemonade, the fizzy kind ► Cats or Dogs ➔ Dogs, I love Sven with all my heart ► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ A group of besties definitely! ► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in, get all cosy and snuggle up ► Day or night ➔ Night, there’s too much to do during the day

FIVE FOUR HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ No, but I’ve never really tried to, there wasn’t much to do back home, and during military training I was too tired or busy to try anything ► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ Yep, I fall up the stairs far more often than I should ► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Nope ► Wanted to disappear ➔ In embarrassment? Absolutely

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ Eyes, but my instinct was smile ► Shorter or Taller ➔ As long as they’re taller than me ► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Geniuses who are passionate in their craft are an attraction ► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Relationship, I just don’t see the point in hook-ups

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ Absolutely! There’s the regular sibling jab or whatever but we’re tend to be pretty tight. Not to mention that I’m a complete daddy’s girl ► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ Definitely not! It’s been pretty perfect compared to some horror stories I’ve heard! ► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ Not that I can remember? I would often hide out in the barn or my old treehouse when I wanted to get away from everyone but I was always on the land ► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Nah, don’t think my parents have got it in them

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Pretending to like people you don’t is exhausting, I’ll do it to bosses maybe but never to a friend ► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ I deal with way too many people in my work for everyone to be good friends, but we maintain a group of 8-10 of us who regularly write and call ► Who is your best friend ➔ Growing up it was Chrissy, but now it’s a tie between her and Steff ► Who knows everything about you ➔ At this point? Steff. She’s seen me at my lowest during the rough parts of military life... I tend to hide that from my parents

#They see me scrolling [Dash Memes]#Getting to know [About]

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marshmallow--3 · 4 years ago

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TW: sui mention

Once again, I'm fine, just venting my thoughts and feelings since this is the only place I can really do that. Feelings do not equal actions, and honestly I get fed up of having to explain to people that I'm safe and fine.

If I can speak honestly,

There's a reason I don't enjoy anniversaries, birthdays, any yearly event. It's a reminder that time is passing and I'm doing fuck all with my life. Last I remember, it was Autumn, I was going to therapy sessions, the leaves had just started to fall and litter the ground, and it gave me inspiration for fic ideas. Have I written them? No. Have I noted them in plans? Nope. I haven't written anything of note or done anything worthwhile with my life, which yes I know is contradictory to the fact I idealise suicide because of how I never wanted to exist, existing is a hassle, and I don't actually want to do anything or live.

So I've just had my two year anniversary since I changed my name.

What am I celebrating? Two years I haven't killed myself. Because in that time period, it was heavy on my mind, it's all I could think about, it's all I could wish for. It drove friends away, which in turn led to my best friend of 8 years cutting me out out of nowhere, and oh guess what? It's her birthday coming up at the start of June, so I have that to cope with too.

Sunset and sunrise times are changing, another thing that causes distress. It's another reminder that time isn't stationary, it's moving on without me. Oh yeah, another thing I'm dealing with is how people move on without me and leave me behind. Change is such a huge trigger for me, and I just can't cope with it during the summer months. It'll be my birthday before long, shortly before that it's one year since I moved into my new place, then it'll be three years since I went to Germany and last properly spoke to my friends from there and somewhere along the way is three years since I dropped out of university following my suicidal episode in the exam hall. It's the most serious I've ever been about it, I had a plan, not a solid one, but I knew what I wanted to do.

I just can't believe it's 2020. I can't believe how old I'm going to be. I can't cope, I wanted to be dead before I'm 30 and I'm nearly six years away from that. Six feels like a lot but six is one more than five and five years sends me into panic. I just genuinely wish I could click my fingers, have what I want and be gone without it affecting anybody, have all memory of me erased so people aren't bothered by this.

What's really amazing is the one single consistent thing in my life has been that I want to not exist. Wanting to die and not wanting to exist are two very different things. Wanting to die suggests future action, not wanting to exist suggests hindsight and inaction.

I just, feel like my emotions wouldn't explode so violently like this if people let me release the pressure little by little at regular intervals. But when I try to talk, nobody listens, nobody responds. I brought this up in therapy and it's a thought I keep going back to: my funeral would be the saddest thing because of how few people would even be there. I'm really alone and my only solution is to just keep on eating, sleep it off and I'm back to bottling everything up by morning.

I think that's all I really have to say, can't think of anything else to add.

Again, I'm safe, I'm fine, I'm not doing anything stupid, I'm gonna comfort eat and try to sleep.

#tw: sui mention #tw: depression #tw: severe depression #sui ment #depression #severe depression

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revol-lover · 4 years ago

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I’m really struggling lately. I just constantly feel trapped between the two extremes of complete apathy and complete overwhelm and it’s exhausting.

For the most part I just feel too much. Being empathic and sensitive is like a good thing for a lot of reasons but it also brings me a lot of genuine mental suffering. Every feeling vibrates at a high frequency and when you have depression and anxiety that’s the last thing you need. To feel it more. But I do. And because of my mental illness, I don’t really experience lighter feelings as much (I feel really out of touch with my positive emotions if I’m being honest. Sometimes I know I should in theory, based on events occurring, feel happy, but instead I don’t feel anything. But then the bad feelings I feel too deeply).

And idk I just end up having weekly existential meltdowns. And I’m tired of it. I want for once to just “go with the flow” and not feel so affected by everything, not pick up on everyone else’s feelings around me and to not have that swish around with my own overbearing feelings.

I just want to not feel so much sometimes.

Today was a really stressful day. There’s so much going on that I can’t go into detail about and I’m just fucking overwhelmed to absolute hell. Had an anxiety attack while driving somewhere, had to turn around and go back home. Dealt with fucking chest pains for a half hour and all the while just wishing there was something I could do to numb this. And then I feel guilty because I know I can’t do that. Substances can never be an option for me because I’ll be done for. I know that. Not only is addiction rampant in my family. The anniversary of my uncles suicide was yesterday, he an alcoholic, my other uncle died earlier this year from a drug over dose. My other uncle is still an addict and on borrowed time. Like just about every third person in my family is either an addict or dealing with severe mental illness or both. And I know how genetics work. And even if I didnt know how they worked I’ve seen how my brain works. The one time I had Valium prescribed to me to have 8 teeth pulled before braces, I’ll never ever forget how I felt. I felt -nothing- I felt numb physical pain wise but also mentally (I had been going through a lot unrelated to my teeth that week so I was taken back by how genuinely chill I felt) and I remember thinking! This is fucking AMAZING! I feel nothing! I can relax!!!! And!!!! this is why I can NEVER!!! touch an additive substance ever again! (I’m thankful that at 14 I was smart enough to realize that) So I don’t. Because I know I’d be doomed. Because I feel too much and taking that away would be tempting.

So instead I have to feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, over emotional and on edge because I don’t think another choice exists? And like that’s why once I am in a different living situation I would like to explore marijuana (legal here) because I’ve opened up to my sister in law a bit about my anxiety specifically and she swears up and down that pot would help me and she’s ready to hook me up at a seconds notice lol. And I think I’m ok with that because it’s not addictive as far as I’m aware. But I just would hate if there were no real solution. I know prescription medications exist but like.. I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve always been kind of afraid to be dependent on a medication fully if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. But I mean at the same time do I have to suffer? Is that the only option? But then my brain is like.. are you just trying to look for a way out of the human experience? Maybe life is meant to be this way? Maybe I’m meant to feel this way? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that I hate having feelings. I wish I could numb everything. I know better than to try. I really do. Like please don’t read this and worry about me. My uncles suicide was one of the most unexpectedly (because we were not *very* close) traumatic things that ever happened to me and I mourn his loss often. I mourn for the pain he felt too “manly” to share. I could go on a whole rant on that but I won’t. I spill my guts on a regular basis so that this shit doesnt fill up inside of me. Suicide has never been something I’ve wanted. I want to live! I just want to feel less sometimes. But even if I had to suffer with my emotions to the end I would take it over hurting anyone with choosing my own death. Nothing good comes of that. I have seen it first hand.

But yeah. idk. Curious if anyone read this far and can maybe relate? Does anything help you? Pot? Is there a particular kind of therapy I should be seeking? I’m just so mentally tired of myself. My brain. How I overprocess every emotion. I’m just so tired of it.

#personal #trigger warning #TW: Suicide #mental health #highly sensitive people #empath

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migleefulmoments · 5 years ago

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Oh my God. So now people in Hollywood are threatening Darren and Chris's families if they don't comply? Tinhats are saying they wouldn't be surprised if someone died in a freak accident to put Darren and Chris in line. How long before they bring up Chris's mom and start getting suspicious?

Anonymous said: Damn it’s real dramatic over in CCLand today. Abby’s “anons” are talking about how someone must have threatened to kill Darren or Chris’s family if Darren didn’t get married. And then we have Abby saying that no matter what happens she won’t abandon them. Yeah, she is definitely setting the stage for claiming someone threatened to kill Chris if Darren didn’t have a baby with Mia. She knows a baby is coming eventually and she can’t let go of her CCThrone.

It’s da Mafia, my friends!

They are so full of themselves-and so dramatic- it’s terrifying.

I keep saying that Abby is writing a Telenovela and damn does she love the drama. She’s also desperate to keep her storyline going and there just isn’t a logical reason WHY Darren would be in the closet and married to Mia at this point unless you go for “big threats”. Abby has suggested this vague“threat” theory before but nobody else picked it up so we never had such scary-hilarious promises of allegiance to Criss and Colfer. This is exactly the kind of pithy, over-the-top emotional digging into a cause that social media was made for- the kind in which you have no actual impact but you blog the hell out it like you matter.

One of the biggest issues with the CrissColfer storyline is why should we be sympathetic to ccDarren and/or ccChris? They are both successful, famous, wealthy, powerful men. Abby’s never-ending criticisms of ccDarren are becoming a problem. While she always blames it on “his team”, most people don’t find it so obviously his team’s fault as evidenced by her Nonnies who then get a lecture on HOW it IS his team’s fault. Of course, nobody is controlled by their employees and ccDarren and ccChris aren’t victims or children.

Abby delights when she can claim that ccDarren is treating Mia abhorrently because it fulfills her hatred of Mia but nobody else feels so delighted. For instance, she claimed he was trying to pull her in the water during a New Year’s Eve embrace.

I’m guessing, and we are missing the moment inbetween d goes to dip her so she things she’s getting her kiss but in fact tries to throw her in the water.(X)

The sane among us are disgusted by a claim that he would try to drown his wife. The same goes for ccChris when he publically bullies and shames Mia on social media and his books. Abby’s love of hating Mia often overshadows her need to keep ccChris and ccDarren as victims.

The basis of CrissColfer is that both men want to be famous and work in Hollywood for the big money and they can’t tell their truth without fear of losing everything. After ten years, both men are no longer the “inexperienced, naive, innocent young men who made bad choices when fame was flashed in their faces” and Abby needs a new spin in order to keep her followers emotionally invested. Throw in a storyline where both men are just trying to stay afloat after their families were threatened and WHOA man, you have two very compelling characters with sympathy through the roof.

Anonymous asked: Let's not forget that with the wedding being the lesser of two evils, one of the threats could have gone far beyond you or C would never be working in this industry again, like you said, the people in power will do anything to hide their sins and there really is no limit, who knows a threat on his (or C's or other family) live could have been made. It sure as hell wouldn't be the first time someone dies in a freak accident because they have dirt on someone (Chris already lost his mom in a freak accident. I can’t imagine he would ruin his entire life over the fear of losing someone else when he understands that life is precious and you can’t control what happens to family members. Or the other argument is why would he allow someone to control his life when the easy solution is to go off to NYC and become an author. Leave Hollywood behind for the man he loves and living an authentic life. It doesn’t seem like that hard of a tradeoff to me)

ajw720 answered: Nonnie. I’m really starting to question. And m has her family and SS on her side. That’s a lot of power and ruthlessness. (I'm always fascinated by the power that Abby imagines Mia’s family has. If Chris and Darren are powerless then why is the head of Vera Wang’s company so powerful? Mia’s dad owned a small chain of small music venues. He’s likely loaded but not in the BIG powerful world of movers and shakers. As for Sunshine Sachs- they are very powerful and healthy but there is little incentive for them to risk it all by getting involved in little unknown Darren’s love life by closeting him).

I’ve decided. No matter what they throw at us, while i may not be able to watch as closely, I’m not abandoning them unless there comes a point I think it’s willing. I don’t see that happening. What is happening is not about straight. (What “they throw at us”? This isn’t about you, Abby. Nothing about CC is about you. You’re just a lonely, unstable fan sitting in her living room all alone obsessing about Mia and fabricating outrageous stories about a family you don’t know and a man who doesn’t care about you. I’m curious, what would convince you that he’s willing? You already said you wouldn’t believe him if he told you he loved Mia. You’re destinated to come out the loser because you refuse to see or accept reality.)

It’s about hiding sins. If it were just straight as I have repeatedly said it would be done better and with someone that actually makes d look good. (So she’s twisting the story to be about hiding sins. I’m not sure how forcing the farce to continue is a good strategy to ensure you don’ get caught. It seems like a cut and run strategy is better- preferably with big payoffs. Lots of us DO think Darren does look good. It’s only the people obsessed that he’s gay who don’t like him).

I just hope they have finally aligned with the right people to help them (How would this work? Either Ryan and Sunshine are terrified of their role coming out, all-powerful and threatening his family to keep it quiet OR there are people to align with who can help but not both because people who threaten others' lives for their own interests aren’t going to show up at the negotiation table willing to work out and deal).

flowersintheattic254. @ajw720 I’ll state publicly that I’m with you on that. I’m not going away unless I see it’s willing. Right now it doesn’t seem to be and frankly the more I learn about Holly/wood and how people are manipulated and abused the more I think it isn’t a choice or a very unwilling one. (Why would Darren and Chris stay there if it is that bad? If Hollywood is one big cesspool then reasonable people would get the hell out of dodge, do something because living in that environment will turn you into that kind of person. Also, I just have to add that the Catholic Church has an abysmal record on sex abuse of women and children so if anyplace is manipulative and abusive, it’s Abby’s church)

leka-1998 Totally agreed.

I feel like every day I get more repulsed by what the people in that awful industry are capable of.

notes-from-nowhere If it is possible, the more I know, the more I feel compelled to stand up against this habits and fight back. (How exactly will you do that? I’m fascinated and can’t wait to hear)

Nothing will change overnight. Not D’s life, not the ones of the others in his same situation but we can do something. And as much as we could, I’m sure, we will. (No shit sherlock, you’re 10 years inand no end in sight)

I will accept defeat the day D will show me, without a doubt, that this is what he wants for his life and not matter if right or wrong, I will respect his choice. To date, I don’t think we are even close to that. Time will tell. (Again, what can Darren do to prove to you? He married the woman he’s dated for 8 years, he opened a business with her, he gushed about the wedding, and he travels with her everywhere. When he tells you how he feels about her you all instantly dismiss his words as being contracted or “Mia wrote them”. You refuse to SEE what is so plain in front of you. I cannot imagine what he could do that would convince you.)

In the meantime I will keep doing what I do now. (which is lie, twist facts, post Glee photos as CrissColfer, make stupid comparisons, and blow some up Abby’s ass).

Anonymous asked: I agree about HW and who knows what kind of nefarious shit goes on. The problem I have is his parents not intervening in this . I get there is probably blackmail at this point but surely his parents can see this can’t go on. I’m afraid it’s affecting his family at this point and I would think his dad would take the reigns at some point and say enough. This is the only thing that tells me it’s short term and there is an escape date. I don’t see his parents accepting something permanent.

Do they have a choice though nonnie? That’s the question. How are they more powerful then the heavy weights he’s up against? What has been threatened? I have an idea of where I think this is going but I don’t know and I’m firm there’s 2 distinct paths, one is freedom. The other is too horrifying for words. And I think by the end of the year we will know. (She is sure they will be divorcing after the anniversary and Hollywood airs.)

Because no doubt this has gravely hurt d and his spirit. And between c and his parents, i’d think they are doing everything to help him win. All parties on his side have to be petrified. Because even if there’s a positive plan in place, what’s to stop it from changing? Because I reiterate. D was going to come out tied to ACS and it went nightmarishly wrong. And he’s well being and safety are at stake for as long as she is tied to him. (She reiterates God Damnit! She KNOWS she was right!!!!!!! WTAF? No, he wasn’t going to come out. He’s told you he’s straight and there is no reason to suspect he’s lying. I love the comments about his safety as long as Mia is around or his image as long as his team is around-He’s fucking thriving. When is the shit going to hit the fan? He won the top four awards, has his own show on a new platform, has a big Broadway show coming, has a Ryan Murphy Netflix show that he helped co-create, Elsie is amazing, StarKid had a very successful year, his wedding is all over the “top celeb weddings” lists, he was busy AF this year and he just bought a $3 million house. It’s been a decade-when will this bad stuff start? ).

Anonymous asked: I do fear D is in this for the long haul unfortunately. It has slowed down for her a bit post-nuptials but unless this show with RM is serving as an out, I don’t see how D will ever get out of this. We also need to remember she knows too much too at this point. It’s not that easy to get someone with the amount of info she has to just go away. If she’s intent on riding coattails, there may be little D can do to get rid of her. I hope I’m wrong. I want to see him win. But it doesn’t look good. (What does ccMia know that she can use against him? That would mean he’s done something wrong but according to cc lexicon, it’s all done against him, he’s the victim. If anything he would have dirt on her to use)

I can’t believe how naive I was to think it was as simple as d&c saying no. I doubt that was ever an option and they learned that, after months of fighting post encagement, in the cruelest manner. Honestly I’m feeling almost more heartbroken today then on feb 16 because I’m finally seeing the horrifying reality of HW.Nonnie. Despite the fact that I don’t trust him, I’m praying that RM saw that it serves his agenda and reputation to help d as it would rehabilitate his character much more than to continue to hurt him, because at this point I think he’s the only person that has the power to get him out. Now we wait and see. (I don’t see how Ryan Murphy can serve as both Mafia boss and his savior but I understand that he’s the only one that could possibly play that role right now. There are no other gay Yoda’s in Darren’s life with enough cloud to be the “savior” so by process of elimination, Ryan is the one). . ’t see how Ryan Murphy can serve as both Mafia boss and his savior but I understand that he’s the only one that could possibly play that role right now. There are no other gay Yoda’s in Darren’s life with enough cloud to be the “savior” so by process of elimination, Ryan is the one).

I can’t believe how naive I was to think it was as simple as d&c saying no. I doubt that was ever an option and they learned that, after months of fighting post encagement, in the cruelest manner. Honestly I’m feeling almost more heartbroken today then on feb 16 because I’m finally seeing the horrifying reality of HW. (So basically, the original cc storyline isn’t holding up anymore after the end dates passed for coming out- Glee ended, the 8-year contract expired, Hedwig ended, ACS started, filmed and ended, Awards season came to a finish and now you’re hoping the anniversary is the lucky date. But you need to explain why Darren and Chris have so much power and still are not together so you’re going for something bigger and more sinister. The problem is that while Hollywood has a seedy underbelly, you can’t take one person’s story and extrapolates it to everyone. Judy Garland may have been drugged but they didn’t know the effect of drugs back then like we do know and the military gives the pilots “go” and “no go” pills to help them perform to this day under close medical supervision)

#crisscolfer #darren criss #Chris colfer #crisscolfer lol #debunking cc lies #debunking cc nonsense #Hollywood #sins of Hollywood

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sarah-writes-stories · 5 years ago

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Chapter 14: Living Legend

A Post-Canon Inuyasha Romance/Adventure Epic

Find it on: Fanfiction.net / AO3 / Wattpad

Words: 2,254

Prologue • Chapter 1 • Chapter 2 • Chapter 3 • Chapter 4 • Chapter 5 • Chapter 6 • Chapter 7 • Chapter 8 • Chapter 9 • Chapter 10 • Chapter 11 • Chapter 12 • Chapter 13 • Chapter 14

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Kagome and Inuyasha stayed with Miroku and Sango's till after lunch. But eventually, Kagome remembered that Kaede had wanted to speak with her and had asked her to return.

"I think it's time we should be heading back to Kaede's," she said aloud to the room.

"So soon?" Sango didn't try to hide the disappointment from her voice.

"Yeah, Kaede wanted to talk to me about something and asked me to come back."

"Ah, okay, well, will we see you tomorrow?" Sango asked hopefully.

Miroku smiled at his wife. It had been hard for her to be without her closest friend all these years. If for no other reason than the happiness that Sango felt at having Kagome returned to her, Miroku wanted to celebrate the young Miko's return.

"Of course, Sango!" Kagome moved to give Sango a swift hug and a reassuring smile before she and Inuyasha waved at the rest of the family, calling out some quick goodbyes before heading out the door and back into the street.

But the walk back to Kaede's was nothing like their earlier walk had been. Now it was the middle of the day and life in the village was in full swing. Men and women came and went along the dirt road, as children ran and played in front of the homes that they passed.

And here and there, Kagome could also see small groups of men and women huddled together, speaking in hushed tones. She sighed, clearly the gossip and whispers of her return had spread like wildfire.

Sure everyone was very polite, calling out greetings to the great Lord Inuyasha and Lady Kagome, but it was the slack-jawed staring that really did Kagome in, until the now-legendary Priestess began feeling very much like a freak on a side-show stage.

'I've walked through this village hundreds of times before,' she thought. 'But it was never like this.'

Before, she'd been something of an oddity, with her strange future clothing and the fact that they all knew she was Kikyo's reincarnation. But this? The unadulterated awe at her very presence was just too much for Kagome. It felt wrong.

"Who's that, mama?" Kagome heard a little girl ask as she pointed toward the pair.

"Hush, child, and do not point!" It was an older woman, likely the child's grandmother spoke. "Ōji-sama and Miko-hime will hear you!"

Inuyasha could smell Kagome's discomfort as he watched her shrink in on herself. He stopped walking.

"Hey."

"Come on, Inuyasha, let's just hurry and get back." She tried to grab his hands and hurry him along, but it was like trying to hurry a mountain. He didn't budge.

"Hey." He said again, trying to get her attention enough for her to look at him.

"What?" She finally looked him in the eye.

"Remember what I said yesterday? You just gotta ignore it. You can't let it get to you. You're still you, just like I'm still me. It doesn't matter what they think."

His gaze bore into her, willing her to accept the truth of his words.

"I know it's just… When I came back, I wasn't expecting everything to be so different, but now I have all of this new power and the people here think of me as some kind of living legend… But I didn't ask for this." She signed before continuing. "Last night, in your– our hut, when I said that I didn't care what the villagers said or thought about us, I guess I was expecting anger or bigotry. I wasn't expecting this."

She waved her hand as though to encompass everything, then gave Inuyasha a small smile before continuing, "Sometimes I forget that you're a prince."

He growled at that. "I ain't no prince."

"But you are, Inuyasha. It doesn't matter that your mother's family cast you out or that your brother rejected you. You've always carried yourself with the nobility and honour of the royal houses that bore you. That sense of honour and the strength behind it is just one of the many reasons why I fell in love with you. Not because it makes you a prince, but because it makes you you."

She was thoughtful a moment before continuing. "Part of me always wondered if that was why, after a while, Sesshōmaru stopped trying to actually kill you. Maybe, hanyou or not, he realized that you were an honour to your father's blood."

Inuyasha really wasn't sure what to think of Kagome's words. He felt pride swell within him at the faith she had in him, as though seeing himself through her eyes for the first time. And he wasn't so dense that he hadn't noticed the change in Sesshōmaru , but he hadn't really given much thought as to what might have been behind it.

He shook his head though, "I doubt it. I think any change in that bastard has more to do with Rin than it does with me."

Kagome considered this. "Maybe. Maybe not. Or maybe it's a bit of both–"

"Lord Inuyasha! Lord Inuyasha!" Kagome was stopped from saying anything else by a man's voice approaching. She looked up.

"That man, he looks familiar…"

"He should," said Inuyasha. "That's Rikichi, the village headman. I'm sure you met him at some point during the hunt."

Kagome thought back. Yes, she had met this man several times, though she hadn't known he was headman at the time. In fact… "I think– I think he was there when I came out of the well the first time."

"That would make sense," Inuyasha agreed. "That's kinda his job, after all, overseeing stuff."

Inuyasha couldn't say he liked Rikichi much, though he was an honourable man who held his position in the village with great respect. He knew that Rikichi valued Kaede's wisdom and experience and had often followed her lead when it came to dealing with their Pack during the shard hunt – heck, it was probably why he had invited them all to settle here – but a headman was still a headman. It was their job to uphold the traditions and laws and to oversee the smooth proceedings of life within a village. Inuyasha knew from his decades of experience that it usually meant that most headmen were, if not closed-minded, then at the very least very conservative in their opinions… And Rikichi was no exception.

Finally reaching them, he stopped and gave them a bow and a good-natured smile. "Good day to you, Lord Inuyasha. I see that the rumours are true and that the great Lady Kagome has returned to us!"

Rikichi had been there in the field beside the well when the great Miko had been pulled into the Meido. He'd seen the Bone-Eater's Well disappear only to reappear several days later. When he'd asked, Lord Inuyasha had said that the Miko was safe, but the headman still had many unanswered questions, and it was his job to be informed in all things that affected his village.

Rikichi began, "May I ask, Lady Kagome, how did you escape the Meido? We thought you lost to the underworld!"

Kagome glanced at Inuyasha. She wasn't impressed by these pointed questions. The villagers knew that she travelled through the well. However, they didn't know that she travelled through time, and she wasn't about to explain one of the most painful experiences of her life to an all-but-total stranger.

"Well… Inu– Inuyasha saved me."

"I see, I see. And where you have been all these years."

Kagome seemed taken aback by his bluntness. "Uh, me? I've been… home… with my family."

Rikichi pressed on. "Your home? Is that where the well takes you when you jump into its depths and disappear?"

Inuyasha started to growl. He knew exactly why Kagome was hesitant to answer Rikichi's questions. "Look Rikichi–" He began, but Kagome cut him off with a gentle hand on his arm.

"I thank you for being concerned about what happened to me and where I've been, Rikichi-san, but all that matters now is that I am fine and I am here… and here is where I intend to stay." She hoped that the finality of her statement was enough to stop the curious headman from asking any more unwanted questions.

Her statement seemed to catch the headman's attention, "Is this true, Lady, that you will be settling permanently in our village? What a blessed event this is! I would ask for your blessing that we might prepare a great feast in celebration of your return if you would allow us."

Kagome gathered her frayed nerves. After this morning's announcement fiasco, she was the one who'd demanded she be allowed to announce their engagement to everyone else. She glanced at Inuyasha before clearing her throat and continuing.

"Thank you, Rikichi-san, for the kind offer and for your warm welcome. But might I suggest that you delay your offered feast for six days?"

"Eh?" Rikichi seemed confused. "Why delay?"

"Well, in six days time, it will be my 19th birthday. It will also be the anniversary of the first time I ever set foot in this village, the day I released Inuyasha from the Goshinboku… and… well… Inuyasha and I have chosen that to also be the day of our wedding."

Rikichi was dumbstruck at her words. He'd known that the hanyou lord and the young Miko were close comrades and travelling companions, and he'd sensed that Inuyasha had sorely missed the girl when she hadn't returned even after the well had reappeared, but he had not been expecting this.

"But… But…" He stammered. "You are the Shikon Miko!"

"Yes?" Kagome didn't see his point.

"Mikos do not marry." Rikichi shook his head.

After the stress of his earlier questioning, Kagome found his presumptuous statement highly annoying. "Oh yeah? Well, this Miko has every intention of marrying."

Rikichi didn't seem to take the hint, "But is not your power tied to your…ahem… purity?"

Kagome felt her face turning red, though not in embarrassment this time. She could have the patience of a saint, but when she came to the end of it? Well, the number of Inuyasha shaped craters that lay scattered around Edo could attest to what usually happened next. None of this was any of his business, but somehow he was weighing in with an opinion about her love life?

'Oh, HELL no.' she thought.

The power of Kagome's aura swirled around her slightly, just enough to lift her hair and give her body a shimmering pink glow.

She began, her voice rising in pitch the longer she spoke. "I don't see how that is any of your business, Rikichi-san, headman or not. And even if it was, even if being with Inuyasha meant that I'd lose every drop of power that I have, I'd still make that choice a thousand times over! He is the only reason I returned to this place and I intend to marry him six days from now, whether you like it or not!"

Her aura swirled even more, the pink glow would likely now be visible to anyone, whether they had spiritual powers or not.

"Kagome…" Inuyasha tried to warn her what was happening, but his throat closed when he looked at her face and realized that her eyes had been engulfed and were also glowing a bright pink.

Kagome glared hard at the man who had insulted her. She felt a bit weightless, as though she might, at any moment, start floating up off the ground. It was almost as though she could look inside Rikichi… look right through him.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha finally grabbed her arm, singeing his hand slightly. But it was enough to release her from whatever strange trance she'd begun falling into.

She panted, taking a few deep breaths, before biting out the word, "What?"

Inuyasha gave her a strange look before Rikichi finally recovered from his shock enough to speak. He broke the silence with a faltering voice. "It is as you say, Lady Kagome. I apologize for any offence I may have caused. Good day to you both."

Rikichi turned and quickly walked away from the couple. The young Miko was clearly even more powerful than the stories of the final battle with Naraku had ever let on. He had never in his life experienced a reiki aura of that much intensity and power. No, Rikichi would not make the mistake of questioning her or her authority again. Better to have her as a powerful ally and member of the community than as an enemy, curiosity be damned.

A number of people had stopped with curiosity to watch the exchange between the great Miko and the headman, but they hadn't expected this. They all silently stared at Kagome, as though none of them were willing to even breathe.

Finally, as her rage subsided, she felt their combined gazes on her and began to squirm uncomfortably, looking around at the gathering crowd.

After a moment more, she looked at Inuyasha, and in a quiet voice only he could hear, she asked, "Why are they staring at like that? I wasn't that rude was I? Do you think it was something I said?"

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cecilspeaks · 5 years ago

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150 - The Birthday of Lee Marvin (III)

Deb: Hey squishy humans! Deb at it again, as usual, talking until your mortal forms pass away. Welcome…

Dana: Once again, the sun has risen. Good one, sun. We’re all very impressed by the same trick on the millionth day in a row. I’m Dana Cardinal. Welcome to..

Computer: Computer loves Night Vale. Night Vale provides home for computer. Welcome…

Deb: Welcome…

Dana: Welcome…

Steve: Heyy everyone! Oh uh, oh man, I’m supposed to prepare some sort of a start for this thing, huh? Dangit, forget every time! Every time! [chuckles] Come on, Steve! You have a responsibility here, Steve! You’re better than this, Steve. Sorry. God, sorry! Oh. Uh, Welcome to Night Vale!

Cecil: Listeners, it is a very special day today. That’s right, it’s Carlos and I’s sixth anniversary! Yes, we count that first night at the Arby’s, looking out at those lights, as the start. Why not? Something has to be the start. And that felt like the first moment of it, the rest of our lives.

It’s especially emotional this anniversary, because recently we did not exist for a brief period. Then we both did exist again, but I had forgotten about our entire life together. I have since remembered and it has been especially tender between us. Such things happen in any marriage that has gone on for enough years, and so it served us as a good reminder of who we are in each other’s lives.

But it’s not just a special day for us. Oh no. It’s also, oh wow – the 30th birthday of legend of stage and screen, Mister Lee Marvin. Let’s take a listen to a special message from the birthday man himself.

Lee Marvin: Hello. It is my birthday again. Huh. Well, happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to all of us. It’s all of our birthdays this year. Congratulations, us! But it’s only for so much longer. Uh.. I am tired of floating on time like a lazy river gone stale. It’s time for me to reach out, to cease. To alter. I’m so tired. I wish I could sleep. I mean I can, I can sleep. But also I wish that I could. Both the wish and the ability exist within me.

This will be the last day that I turn 30. I have been climbing a narrow rock chimney, but today I let go and fall into deep, clear waters. Hm. Thanks for all the birthday wishes. It really, really has meant a lot.

Cecil: OK, kind of a bummer of a birthday message, but let’s move on. And now, the financial news. Intern Maureen: And now the financial news or whatever. Looks like stocks are up, which is great for people who own stocks, who are statistically already wealthy enough that stocks being up or down doesn’t fundamentally affect their lives. And those of us without stocks, well then the health of the stock market has little relationship to..

Faceless Old Woman: Toni I see that you are reading the financial news. Yes, I’m looking at you right now. No, not behind your shoulder. I see you glancing back. No, not out the window either. Toni, look up. Look up, Toni. The great work begin-

Steve: Now see I’m VP of counting at the Last Bank of Night Vale. I can count very high, so I’m uniquely situated to explain these figures to you. So uh, oh OK. See where the graph is going down? That means that the price is, uh, lower. Or-or maybe the stock is? Or it’s all going up oh hold on, huh, I’ve been looking at this sideways. Oh this isn’t graph at all! [chuckles] It’s a picture of Lee Marvin.

Dana: Why do bad things happen to good people? Wrong question. The question is: why do things happen?

Basimah: I have 17 dollars on my bank account and my teenage father is living with me. So things are going great here.

Cecil: ..up 8 per cent, the highest percentage in the last three years. And this has been financial news.

Meanwhile, a last minute birthday party for Mr. Lee Marvin has been arranged at Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Bar and Grill at 5 PM. Where we will all celebrate the first three decades of Mr. Marvin’s life by taking advantage of some great happy hour deals. Gino’s happy hours are super appetizing. The most popular item is a small bowl filled with polished pebbles, but they are damn cheap, and that is appreciated in these tough times, when all of us are finding ourselves short on our bills. Except the estate of the late Marcus Vanston, which now contains approximately 15 per cent of all money in the United States, but still has no designated beneficiary.

Mr. Marvin himself is not expected to attend his own party, as he is not feeling well, and also says that he has a plan to move himself from this tired wheel of time. Well, feel better Lee, and good luck on that hobby of yours. Sounds complicated and exhausting. I’ll have a Shiraz and a bowl of pebbles in honor of you.

Lee Marvin: Night Vale. We are a town of good intentions. Once there was a god. Her name was Huntokar, and she tried to save one little town. She acted with love. The missiles came and she reached out to shift the timeline, only a tad, only enough to save us. And in that moment, her little town shattered into millions of parallel towns. This place became a prison. A god’s love is a dangerous force.

Once, there was a woman who was a general. She wanted victory for a just cause, so she fought every battle, over and over until time was jumbled up and overlapping and worn thin. She returned home and she died, but the wreckage she made of time remained.

And once there was a man. An actor. Once, but not much longer. Here, time and space have been scratched and scrunched, worn down until they’re translucent. And what if I reached out a hand? And what if I pushed that hand to the thin places?

Happy birthday to me. My last 30th birthday.

Steve: Well folks, there’s the hour and it’s time to, uh, do our usual checks and such. Check in on it. On the uh, you know the, what’s the word?

Faceless Old Woman: I’m standing on your roof, Randolph. Yes, Randolph, that’s my pacing you hear, back and forth on these cheap clay tiles that needed replacing three years ago. There will be rain, Randolph, some day. And then there will be leaks. That’s a certainty.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at…

Dana: That’s that for all that, listeners. I’m getting tired just reporting all this life. Can’t imagine how tired all of you are from living it. So let’s all take a break together and go to the…

Numbers station: 43. 12. 9. 55. 30. 17. The weather. To the weather. Cause I am the champion and you’re gonna hear me… roar.

[“Things Still Left To Say” by Mal Blum, https://www.malblum.com]

Lee Marvin: There are many Night Vales. This isn’t news, it’s merely the fact of it. There’s a Night Vale where the streets are rivers and the rain falls constantly from sunless skies. There’s a Night Vale where the mayor is a smiling man, and a Night Vale where the mayor is a brave woman. And of course there is a Night Vale that has no mayor and never will have again. There’s a Night Vale without a day. And there’s a Night Vale without night. There’s a Night Vale where the dogs sing and the birds bark. There’s a Night Vale with no people, only the angel who’s moaning and tapping their fingers. There’s a Night Vale where I was never born. And there’s a Night Vale where I’ll never die. There’s a Faceless Old Woman who secretly lives in your home. She’s in every Night Vale there is. There’s Night Vale where time runs backwards and a Night Vale where time skips about, and there’s Night Vale where time doesn’t work at all. That’s this Night Vale. Time is weird here. Time is weird everywhere, but it’s especially weird here. There’s a Night Vale where Dana is the voice of her town, and a Night Vale where Deb, the sentient patch of haze is voice of her town. And a Night Vale where you are the voice of your town. An infinitude of voices, of an infinitude of Night Vales.

But here, in this Night Vale, our voice is Cecil. Hah, a voice like distant traffic. A voice like strong coffee at midnight.

Once there was a god with good intentions, and a heart full of love. She shattered us in two, many versions of us. Once there was a general, full of courage and victory. She twisted our time about itself, lost us in a labyrinth of hours and years.

And once there was a man. His dreams were simple. He wanted to be an actor, that’s all. To lie a little to audiences, in a way that they like being lied to. But time got stuck on him like – gum on a shoe. It was always his 30th birthday, from the Big Ban to the tedious heat death of the universe. His 30th birhday forever. Time weighed on him and so he looked out at every Night Vale that has ever been, and every Night Vale that will ever be, all of them swirling and swinging thru intertwining chronologies and he concentrated veery hard. And he reached out one tired ancient 30-year-old hand and stopped them all, just for a moment. He stopped time’s gyrations.

All is frozen. Water hangs in the air below a leaking tap. The trees are sculpted by a gust of wind and haven’t yet swung back to their natural state. The clouds form a frozen pattern, like snowdrifts in the sky. A voice of Night Vale sits in front of a microphone, mouth open but no words coming out. All of the voices in all of the Night Vales.

On the highway out of town, the cars are stopped dead. Their drivers caught glancing at their phones or scratching their ears and thinking about what would finally make them happy, or looking in the mirror and trying to gauge whether the car behind them belongs to the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Farther out, over the mountains and to the coast, the waves are stopped mid-fall. Foam caught, rising water caught, tumbling.

An old man in Canada trips on a shoe discarded by his grandson, and there he remains, hands out mid-air, too late for anyone to save but not yet colliding with the earth. He will dislocate his knee.

A soldier in China squints at a bird, trying to decide which type of bird it is. Really it’s too distant to tell but the soldier makes a game of this to pass the tedium, and so here they are squinting at a bird that is stopped mid-flight, its wings outstretched, catching wind that is no longer moving. Observe the solder in this moment, a thin slice of a long life.

Out in low orbit, a spindly silver being in a graceful silver craft, is caught in an instant when its appendages that are not really fingers but we’ll call them fingers, even though technically are closed in function to kidneys. When its fingers phase thru the skull of a sleeping human that it has brought abroad, reaching into the human’s memories, seeking out a clear understanding of a planet that the being has been tasked to observe. That planet and all the other planets cease for a moment in their senseless hurdle thru the vacuum. They are suspended. The way they are in diagrams.

The story we tell ourselves of stasis, and clear spacial relationships is, for a moment, true. An entire universe holds its breath.

Huh. Then I shift my hand a little and the gears of time click back into place and start again to move. Not quite as they were before, they-they are on track now. Their tread a little truer.

The beginning of my end. The start of my death. I take in air, I let out air, and in the moment where the universe starts again, something happens that has never happened before. Not in all of history.

Cecil: Today is a special day, Night Vale. Lee Marvin, star of stage and screen is, oh wow! - turning 31 today. Happy birthday, Lee! You know, it feels like our thirties just fly by. Enjoy them while they last. Lee Marvin celebrated his birthday in a notably somber way. He stepped out onto his lawn, nodding at passers by and various idiot birds. He spit thru his teeth, placed his hands on his hips, watched the sun move for a while. Then he nodded in approval of everything he’d seen and stepped back inside. Well, we all express happiness in our own ways.

A few minutes ago, I got the most interesting voicemail from my most interesting husband, Carlos. It’s our sixth anniversary today, you know. Anyway, he was so excited, I’ve never heard him talk so fast in his life. Carlos said he opened the clock that was on our mantelpiece at home, the one that was given to him by his mother the day he received his PhD. The one he brought with him to Night Vale, the one that after having come to Night Vale, he opened to find that it was full of moss and fur and human teeth. Yeah, time doesn’t work in Night Vale, he had realized and he mourned the transformation of both the clock and his experience of the days and years of his life, but he still believes in keeping possession in perfect condition, and so today he opened the clock to brush its teeth, only to find it was full of gears and a battery and was ticking away. He measured the movement of its minute hand against the sun, and found that the sun, instead of disappearing at wildly different times, was setting on a normal schedule. He called me up, his voice cracking with excitement, bordering on terror.

“Cecil, Cecil!” he said to me. “Cecil! Time is normal in Night Vale. Well. It is night, Night Vale. Soon the sun will rise and we know exactly what time that will happen. Our lives have all lurched forward. Is that – good? Stay tuned next for exactly what was scheduled to run next, at the exact time it was scheduled to do so. And from my mouth to your ears, even after all these years, Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: Technically, the first human being and the first human being in space were the same person.

#welcome to night vale #welcome to night vale transcripts #episode 150 #the birthday of Lee Marvin

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hiraeth-doux · 6 years ago

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Untouchable (8/8)

Welp, this is it! This story is officially done. Thanks everyone who’s been following it, I hope you enjoyed it :)

AO3 | FF.net

“Tell me,” she demanded, leaning against the desk in front of him.

He did.

Being their only daughter, Jenny had been the sun and the moon and everything in-between for Sylvia and Greg Campbell. Their golden girl, their whole world. Growing up, she had everything a girl could have – ballet classes, a French tutor, horseback riding lessons, you name it.

Her relationship with Owen had come as a surprise to them. They didn’t mind him, per se, but they also never bothered to hide the fact that they had expected her to do better than him, obviously not thinking they would last, although neither had said a word when Owen and Jenny had announced their engagement. And then he had left for the NAVY, and then Harper had come along, and ultimately, it was Jenny’s parents who had made dealing with a small child while her husband was somewhere across the world possible.

The day Jenny had been diagnosed with cancer, their entire universe fell to pieces.

“I don’t think they ever forgave me for moving her and Harper back here,” Owen breathed out, rubbing his face with his hands. “But my mother is a certified nurse, Claire.” He looked up at her. “What was I supposed to do? Let a realtor and an accountant take charge instead?”

Claire didn’t respond. Obviously, it was something he had asked himself before, the decision not an easy one for either party. She doubted there was a right solution that would have satisfied everyone. There seldom ever was.

“So, what do they want now?” she prompted him.

Owen dropped her gaze, his jaw squared in helpless defeat. “They’re not bad people and they’re not doing this out of spite,” he said in a whoosh of breath. “They adore Harper. But to them, she’s first and foremost Jenny’s child and only then mine, and they believe that they can give her a better home than a single father who is chronically late for everything and who can’t remember the name of his kid’s favourite film.”

Claire’s hands clasped the edge of the desk on either side of her thighs, her heart splintering at the sound of raw panic in his voice, and even more so – at the sight of acceptance of whatever was going to come next on his face. He was so used to dodging blows from life that they no longer came as a surprise, and you could only fight for so long before it got pointless.

“You know it’s not true, Owen.”

“Yeah, well….” He squeezed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I just… I’ve already lost my wife. And then I lost you.” His voice dropped, getting hollower with every syllable. “My daughter is all I have left, and now they want to take her away. I can’t lose her, too, but I don’t know what to do, Claire. I don’t know…”

She pushed away from the desk and sank down next to him. “We’re going to figure it out,” she told him, knowing that she probably didn’t sound as convincing as she wanted to. “You remember Karen, right?”

Owen turned to her, the faintest ghost of a smile flickering for a split second across his face. “Even if I didn’t want to.”

Claire’s own lips curved slightly in response. “She’s a lawyer. We’ll talk to her, see if there’s something--” She cut off, the promises she didn’t know she could keep tasting foul on her tongue. “It’s going to be okay.” Reluctantly, he nodded – more in acknowledgement of her words than in agreement with them, perhaps. Yet, it still made something unravel inside her. And it was only then that it occurred to her to ask, “Where’s Harper now?”

He grimaced a little. “With them. They’re visiting for the weekend.”

Claire’s eyes narrowed. “With them? But don’t you think…”

“That they will simply take off with her?” Owen finished. “No, I don’t think so. I’m her sole legal guardian now, and family or not, if they did that, it’d qualify as kidnapping. A major strike against them if we go to court.”

“Okay, so…” She rubbed her forehead. It was late now, and the long day combined with everything he’d just dumped on her left her mind oddly empty. “We’ll talk to my sister tomorrow,” Claire repeated, then reached over to card her fingers through his hair, pushing it back from his forehead, not missing the way Owen went completely still under her touch. “How about you stay with me tonight?” she whispered. He nodded slowly. “You’re not alone in this, and you haven’t lost me.”

---

When his in-laws showed up on his doorstep without so much a phone call earlier this afternoon, Owen didn’t think much of it. He’d been married to their daughter for close to a decade, and whatever grudges they might have had about his not being the ‘right match’ for Jenny in the beginning were long forgotten, or so he wanted to believe, rarely ever contemplating this anymore.

He had figured they wanted to visit Jenny’s grave after missing the anniversary because Greg’s elderly mother had a hip replacement surgery scheduled for the same week, and maybe to catch a movie or two with Harper.

After they had broken the news to Owen, the rest of his day had passed in a blur, feeling smudged like a half-erased pencil drawing. As ridiculous as it sounded, he kept wanting to pinch himself in hopes of waking up from what beginning to feel like the worst nightmare he could ever imagine.

With his brain so wired it felt like his skull might explode any moment, he didn’t think he’d be able to fall asleep. But when Claire slipped under the covers next to him and he curled around her, breathing in her sweet, familiar scent, his mind went black the moment his head hit the pillow, a tiny bit more in peace than it was in nearly two months since their separation. There was nothing sexual about this, she merely gave him the only sort of comfort she could offer, but even that felt like so much more than Owen could ask for. And so he allowed himself to hold on the only anchor that kept him from being pulled into the open endless sea.

The next morning, he woke up first, barely breathing as he watched her sleep, her hair fanned out over the pillow and her hand tucked under her head. In the early pale light, he traced the line of her nose, counting the freckles on each of her cheeks, his heart aching from missing her, ready to burst from the mixture of affection and jittery nervousness coursing through his veins and pooling in every nook and canny inside him.

You haven’t lost me .

God, this couldn’t be real, could it?

At last, she stirred and blinked her eyes open, smiling when she saw his face next to hers. “Hi,” she murmured.

“Hi,” he breathed out when her hand curled around his lying on the pillow between them and her lips brushed to his fingers.

“I missed you,” Claire whispered.

And at that, he burst out laughing, a heartfelt sound rumbling from deep in his chest, as his arms pulled her toward him.

Not alone.

---

The moment Owen’s in-laws had dropped Harper off at his place, promising him to stay in touch about ‘ that thing’, he scooped her up and drove to Karen’s. Claire was already there, playing catch with Gray in the backyard.

“Honey, why don’t you show Harper your books?” she asked the boy when Owen appeared on the back porch with his daughter in tow.

Gray nodded and squatted down before Harper, motioning for her to hop on, and the girl scrambled eagerly on his back, clutching his shoulders. There was a major worship complex going on her side, and Owen shook his head, amused, as he and Claire watched them disappear in the house.

“So, from what I got from Claire,” Karen started when the three of them got comfortable in the living room, “the case is flimsy at best.” She turned to Owen and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “The good news is, you have a steady income, a house, and a good reputation in the community. Your daughter goes to school and is doing well there. There’s no way it can be qualified as negligence.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “And what’s the bad news?”

Karen sighed. “Your father and mother-in-law also have a house and a steady income, plus she just retired, meaning that she can provide child care without the involvement of a third party and they’re relatively young too – both under sixty.” She paused. “I hoped we could play the age card, but they can live for 20-30 more years…” she trailed off.

Owen scrubbed a hand down his face. “What are my chances?”

“They won’t get the full custody, no way,” Karen said firmly.

“But?” Claire peered at her sister.

“There’s a chance the judge might go for a shared one,” Karen admitted. “Fifty-fifty, that kind of thing.”

Owen swore quietly under his breath. “But they live in another state!”

“Hey, I’m on your side here,” she shrugged. “But you’ve asked.”

“Sorry,” he rubbed his eyes and exhaled sharply. “It’s just… God, of all the things that could’ve gone wrong, this was the one I didn’t expect to.”

“Look, I’m not saying it’s how it’ll end,” Karen pointed out, her eyes moving between him and her sister. “This is the kind of case that will depend on the judge, and the time of the day, and maybe a phase of the moon. You’re not breaking any rules, Owen, but your wife was their only daughter, and it’s great that you have two jobs and can bring home the bacon, but it also takes away your parenting time. These are the things that, strictly speaking, don’t matter in the face of the law, but your in-laws can just as easily play the sympathy card. God knows, it wouldn’t be the first time.”

He snapped his head up. “What about Harper? Will her opinion matter?”

Karen leaned back in her chair, forehead creased. “Yes and no. She will most likely be asked who she wants to live with. But she’s six. You’d be surprised how many children choose every day to stay in abusive and unhealthy households – and I know it’s not how it is with you guys, don’t look at me like this! – just because it’s their parents we’re talking about here.”

“Which means?”

“Which means that the judge will take her statement with a grain of salt, just to be safe.”

Owen dropped his head onto the knot of his hands, the line of his shoulders so still Claire thought that he’d snap in half if she touched him.

“So, what can I do?” he asked after a couple of minutes during which no one uttered a single word.

“Nothing,” Karen shook her head. “There’s no case until they file the motion, just the talk.”

“But if they do, it’ll be too late,” Claire muttered with a wince, and Karen nodded.

“All I can suggest now is to try and negotiate with them. Offer better visitation options, more frequent contact, I don’t know. Whatever will pacify them.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “I did. I offered them the holidays, all of them.”

“Well then…” Karen drummed her fingers on the armrest of her chair. “Don’t do anything stupid until all of this is resolved. Don’t give them anything that they could use against you.”

“Yeah…” Owen breathed out, disappointed beyond measure with the outcome of this conversation. Whatever hopes he had harboured when Claire suggested talking to her sister were effectively washed down the drain. “Thank you,” he said, offering Karen a weak smile. It wasn’t her fault that this situation was so shitty.

“Anytime,” she returned, her gaze darting between him and her sister when Claire reached for his hand and laced their fingers together. “Let me know if there’s anything else I can do.”

“Thanks, Karen,” Claire echoed.

Karen cleared her throat. “Well, now that we’ve done with the bad part, would you guys like to go to the movies with us?”

He exchanged a quick look with Claire who shrugged in the You-decide way, and then said, “Why not?”

“I’ll go get the kids,” Claire offered, rising to her feet.

“Karen?” Owen turned to her when Claire disappeared up the stairs. His gaze darted toward the hallway, and he dropped his voice to make sure no one could overhear him. “I didn’t mention this to Claire, but when we first started seeing each other, Harper didn’t take it well and I think she might have mentioned it to Sylvia.” He paused. “Maybe I’m wrong, but the reason behind all of this can be that they think I’m moving on from their daughter and it makes them feel… I don’t know, betrayed? Threatened?” He huffed. “So, I guess, what I want to know – if I’m right and if we make it to court, would something like this be considered as a substantial problem?”

Karen considered him for a long moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “No, I don’t think so,” she replied at last. “Your daughter adores Claire, and the feeling is quite obviously mutual. If anything, you’re kind of proving that you can provide her with a steady family environment.”

“Thanks,” he repeated.

“Owen,” she called after him when he got up as well and uncurled from her armchair. “I’m not saying that you’re correct, but it’s my baby sister we’re talking about here, so humour me, would you?”

“Sure.”

“Say, your in-laws offer you a deal – no custody battles and no lawsuits if you stop seeing Claire. Your daughter for your girlfriend. Who would you choose?”

He didn’t hesitate. “Both.”

---

Owen was still mulling over everything Karen had said when they pulled up to Claire’s house several hours later, Harper asleep in her seat in the back. In the early dusk, the colours looked faded somehow, washed out, her quiet street completely deserted.

“Will you stay?” Claire asked softly when he turned off the engine.

Owen glanced quickly over his shoulder at his sleeping daughter, then turned to Claire.

“She’ll be fine in the guest bedroom,” Claire added as if reading his thoughts.

One of his eyebrows cocked curiously. “We didn’t bring any spare clothes.”

“I’ll find something for Harper to sleep in. And you’re not going to need any.” A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, intensifying the one that blossomed on Owen’s face.

“So, are we okay then?”

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “But I want us to be.”

Harper found the idea of staying over at Claire’s delightful, especially when she woke up and found out that the bed in the guest bedroom had springs. After her bath and putting on one of Claire’s shirts that hung down to her knees, she spent a solid 40 minutes jumping on it like a trampoline until Owen poked his head into the door and promised to tuck her in so tight, she wouldn’t be able to move if she didn’t cut this out and go to sleep right this very second .

“Why haven’t we done this sooner?” he asked Claire after the girl had fallen asleep and the two of them had found themselves in the bathtub, Claire’s back resting against his chest and his arms wrapped around her. Mellow and relaxed in the hot water, with the weight of her body pressed deliciously to him, Owen almost managed to convince himself that the past 36 hours didn’t happen. He traced his hand along her arm and pressed a kiss to her shoulder, holding on to every precious moment they got to spend like this. Like the rest of the world didn’t exist.

“Maybe we needed a special occasion?” Claire offered with a soft smile, tilting her head back to plant a kiss on his stubbled cheek. “I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you planned, with Karen.”

He pressed his lips to the top of her head, just above the knot she had twisted her hair into to avoid getting it wet. “I didn’t expect her to magically fix everything.”

“But you hoped she would.”

“Maybe a little,” he admitted.

“Does Harper know? About what’s going on?”

“No,” he shook his head, his mood changing almost palpably by the second. “I asked Jenny’s parents not to say anything to her until we figure it out between ourselves. No need to drag her into this mess before it’s absolutely necessary.”

Claire sank into him, her forehead resting on the side of Owen’s jaw, her fingers running absently up and down his wrists. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this at all.”

“You know, when Harper was little and only started to talk and couldn’t pronounce her name properly yet, she’d say it as ‘Happy’.” He chuckled at the memory, his arms flexing around Claire as if in need to reassure himself that she was still there. “She’s run around the house, bumping into everything, and point at herself and say ‘I Happy!’” A shaky sigh bubbled up in his chest. “It’s all I ever wanted for her, Claire. To be happy.”

“I know.” Claire squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could go and fix it for him, make sure she’d never have to hear this panicked edge in his voice again. “And she is. She really, really is.”

“Thank you,” he murmured against her temple. “For this. For everything. For coming back to us. I don’t know what I’d do if--”

Her hand slipped around her neck, fingers gripping the hair on the back of his neck, and she captured his lips with his – a reassurance, an invitation - until the urgency in him shifted from worry to need, melting into something larger than life.

She turned around to stretch over him, her arms snaking around his neck while Owen’s hands slid slowly along her thighs and up her sides, savouring the feeling of her body against his. Claire’s breath was hot on his skin, turning his blood into lava in his veins. Languid in his arms, she pressed a kiss to his jaw, trailing her lips along his cheek to the corner of his mouth until he turned his head, kissing her properly. He pulled her closer to his chest, his fingers skimming along her back as his teeth nipped on her bottom lip.

Owen’s knees hit the edged of the bathtub when she shifted in his arms, and low laughter rumbled in his chest as he traced slow, deliberate kisses along her neck.

“We’re gonna need more space.”

A towel wrapped around his hips, Owen pulled the door open slowly, and then took Claire’s hand, leading her toward the bedroom, pausing every few seconds to press his finger to his lips to shush her, fearful of Harper waking up if they didn’t keep quiet. He pulled her into her room, his hand cupping her face immediately, lips finding hers, swallowing her giggle.

---

The world still hazy and unfocused around him, Owen rolled onto his side. Another moment, and he was pulling Claire to him, his fingers brushing her bangs from her forehead, their lips meeting in slow tender kisses, both of them still breathless and riding off the endorphin high, basking in the warm afterglow, their bodies tingling with low hum running like electric current under their skin.

A few minutes later, he was chuckling softly against her mouth, and Claire pulled back, a hand on his chest, to ask what he was laughing at.

He scrunched his face and shook his head. “I’m not… it’s not that.”

“What?”

It was incredible, really, how everything his grieving and guilty mind kept rejecting, his pain too strong for so long he almost forgot how to feel anything else, was right there, at his fingertips, barely at arm’s reach away.

Owen traced the lines of her face, trailing his fingers along her forehead and down her upturned nose and over her jaw toward her chin, reading her with his hands like a blind man in search of something outside of his realm.

This was what he wanted, every day, for as long as he lived. Her. Not even the physical intimacy, even though it never felt enough, her lean, cool fingers pulling the shattered pieces of him back into place, smoothing the jagged edges that threatened to tear him apart, sealing the seams with her lips. No, it was about coming back to Claire, her smile, the sound of her laughter, the captivating green of her eyes, her breathing in the night. Seeing her play with Harper, seeing his daughter happy again – all this was right in front of him.

He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so alive, so eager to live and see what the next day could bring, his heart beating in earnest, elated and soaring above everything he’d been through. How long did he know but didn’t really know ?

“You,” he whispered, running his knuckles over Claire’s cheek, and the words he couldn’t keep biting back any longer tumbled out of his mouth. “I love you.”

---

“Claire?” A loud whisper pulled her out of her deep, dreamless slumber.

She blinked, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, half-certain for a moment or two that she had made it up until her gaze focused on Harper standing by the bed.

The clock on the nightstand read 3.46 AM, and Claire stifled a yawn, fighting off the fog in her head. She pushed up, propping herself on her elbow and thanking heavens that she and Owen were dressed – a precaution taken before she had unlocked the door when they were about to turn in for the night, worried that the girl might get scared if she woke up alone in an unfamiliar place.

“What is it, baby?” Claire whispered.

Behind her, Owen didn’t even stir, his soft snores filling the room.

Harper rubbed her eyes sleepily, her nose scrunched. “I had a bad dream. Can I stay with you and daddy here? Just this one time.”

“Of course.” Claire slid back and closer the furnace of a man who could seemingly sleep through a nuclear war to make more room for the girl, and Harper climbed next to her, curling in on herself after Claire tucked the blanket carefully around her.

She was already asleep by the time Claire’s head touched the pillow again.

---

Claire had picked up sketching after the accident.

When the days she needed to stay in bed, barely able to do anything without help had turned first into weeks and then into months, it had become clear to her very quickly that there were only so many things a person could do before going crazy from boredom. The TV had lost its appeal almost instantly – for one thing, most of the daytime programs were dumb as hell, and since her life got fucked up stark in the middle of the ice-skating competition season, the channels had been full of live feeds from events all over the country as well as reruns that she had no desire to even be aware of, let alone watch.

The first time Claire saw someone else, a girl in a blue dress, perform her short program routine, she wanted to throw a remote at her parents’ TV set. She had settled on crying for the next three days instead.

After that, the TV had been deemed a backup alternative to everything else. Something that Claire rarely turned to.

She would read instead, but it had also become too much after a few weeks when she grew restless and impatient and in a desperate need of something more creative than that. It was when Karen had caught her doodling in the margins of a book that she had brought Claire a sketchpad and a box of charcoal pencils. It had hardly changed Claire’s life, but it sure made killing those endless hours of nothingness easier.

By the time she had been capable of walking around without assistance, Claire had a few dozens of sketch pads filled with everything from doodles of flowers to attempted copies of famous drawings and paintings she’d done with the help of online How To tutorials. She was no genius, but she had a good eye and enough time to master something that required patience and scrupulous work. And at some point, she had figured out that not only did she have plenty of both, but that she also rather liked it.

Up until a certain point in her life, Claire had associated the idea of a college with a sports scholarship of some sort, and when that had fallen through, she had stopped considering the possibility of getting a degree altogether. However, when Karen had suggested she submitted some of her works to the Art School of the University of Wisconsin, it didn’t sound as insane as Claire had first thought it might.

Although, frankly, if she had known back then that it would ultimately lead to spending her nights bend over her desk because the client needed a draft of something or other submitted on short notice, she’d probably think twice about her career choices.

Sometime around nine, she straightened her back and rolled her stiff shoulders, wincing at the sound of cracks and pops in her neck. Owen had texted her a while ago asking if she’d like to come over and offering to bring her pizza if the answer was no, but she had to turn down both options. Mr. Masrani expected her to send in her side of the project within the next couple of hours, and just thinking about Owen was distracting enough. Having him and Harper around would be a disaster.

She pulled off her glasses and rubbed her tired eyes, contemplating another cup of coffee. It might keep her up all night, which was a downside, of course, but with its help, there was a chance she wouldn’t fall asleep mid-stroke.

Instead, she decided that it was time to have a short break and get some dinner. The thought of that pizza that Owen had mentioned earlier made her stomach grown, reminding her that she hadn’t had anything to eat since late morning, making her go through her options on her mind.

She could have ordered something, Claire mused absently, but after being cooped inside for most of her day, she decided that getting out of the house was her number one priority. If she didn’t, she feared that her head would fall off her rigid neck.

Still rubbing the sand out of her eyes, Claire slid off her tall chair and headed for the door, grabbing the car keys from the bowl in the hallways as she passed it.

She was driving back home down the quiet, dark street, her Chinese takeaway sitting on the passenger seat next to her when her eyes snatched a familiar figure hunched under a streetlamp, small shoulders shaking ever so slightly.

“Harper?” Claire muttered, straining her eyes, almost certain that the girl was nothing but a figment of her imagination so wild the idea of Owen’s daughter being outside alone in the dark was. So shocking.

Claire hit the brakes, her car coming to an abrupt halt with a screech of tires. She was climbing out before it even fully stopped, fumbling with the door for a moment too long.

“Harper!”

The girl snapped her head up at the sound of her name, and before Claire knew it, a small body barreled into her in the middle of an empty street, thin arms wrapping around her thighs.

“Oh god,” she murmured, her own arms coming to rest around the girl. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s alright.” Claire’s eyes darted up and down the street. It took her a moment to realize that they were only a few of blocks away from Owen’s place. Which still didn’t explain anything, and the fear stirred inside of. “What happened?”

She tugged at Harper’s arms to break free from her hold and crouching down in front of the girl whose face was streaked with tears. She was breathing through convulsive sobs, her small shoulders shaking and her lips trembling.

Claire’s stomach clenched. “What is it?” she asked almost numbly, her imagination offering her a full range of the worst-case scenarios, vivid and bright and surprisingly detailed. A fire. A car crash. A robbery. Something bad that happened to Harper—

After this one, her mind went blank.

“I don’t want to go live with Grandma Sylvia and Grandpa Greg,” Harper muttered between sniffles, and then her small face started to crumple again, and Claire drew her close again, stroking the girl’s hair, weak in the knees with relief that it wasn’t anything deadly and irreparable. “They said that every child needs a mommy and a daddy, and now that my mommy is dead, daddy is not enough and they will be my new mom and dad.”

She was clutching Claire so tight that Claire could feel the frantic beating of her small heart, her frightened tears soaking Claire’s shirt.

“Shh,” Claire kissed the side of Harper’s head.

“But… I have daddy … and you,” she mumbled. “You can be my mommy. Why do I have to go?”

“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” Claire picked her up, and the girl wrapped her arms around her neck and her legs around Claire’s waist as if determined not to ever let go. “First, we need to call your dad, okay? He’s probably lost his mind--”

As if on cue, her phone let out a series of persistent shrills, Owen’s caller ID blinking on the screen. Somehow, Claire managed to slide the answer button without dropping the girl, her hands shaking.

“Owen?... Yes, I know. I’ve got her.” A pause. “I don’t know… Okay. I’ll see you soon.”

By the time Owen showed up at Claire’s house not ten minutes later, Harper was asleep in the guest room, too emotionally exhausted to stay awake.

“Where is she--” he began, stepping through the door, but Claire pressed a finger to his lips, telling him to stay quiet and then pointed upward to the second floor.

He pushed past her and climbed the stairs two at a time, needing to see for himself that his daughter was safe. The girl was curled under the comforter, her breathing deep and even and her face still slightly blotchy from crying. Slowly, he walked over to the bed and pulled the comforter further up her body, careful not to wake her up.

Afterwards, he found Claire in the kitchen, fumbling with the kettle.

She turned around at the sound of his footsteps, struck by how worn her looked, the lines around his eyes deeper than she remembered.

“What happened?” she asked, watching him attempt to smile at her. It came out as a grimace instead.

“I asked Greg and Sylvia to come over, to try and reason with them again.” His eyes when they met Claire’s were wild, her expression so pained she could feel it in her bones. She stepped toward him and wrapped her hands around his waist, listening to his ragged breathing. “Harper was supposed to be in her room getting ready for bed. When my father-in-law started to yell at me about the whole moving Jenny here thing, she heard him and came downstairs, and then Sylvia outright told her they were taking her away from me.”

He cut off as if it physically hurt him to talk about this.

“Oh, Owen…”

“She started to cry. I told her to go to her room, where she was supposed to stay.” His hands bunched fistfuls of Claire’s shirt in helpless fear. “She must have snuck out. God, I didn’t even check up on her until they had left.”

Claire ran her hand up and down his back. “She’s okay, everyone is okay,” she murmured, the words not as important as the soothing sound of her voice.

“She didn’t go that far, but sometimes, it’s all it takes. Do you have any idea--” He swallowed, unable to finish his thought. Claire did. Six-year-olds in the dark didn’t really scream ‘good-idea’, all things considered. She did, after all, jump to the exact same conclusion not thirty minutes ago. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am an unfit father.”

“You know it’s not true,” she whispered. “She must’ve thought they were going to take her away tonight and got scared.”

His short laugh was humourless and sharp to her ears. “Well, welcome to the club.” He rested his cheek on top of her head. “Shit, so much for not bothering you tonight.”

She chuckled into his chest. “I should’ve known.”

Owen sighed and pulled away from her. “We should get out of your hair.”

“Don’t be absurd.” She squeezed his hand, a nervous chuckle bubbling up in her chest. “I was basically promoted to the role of ‘mommy’ tonight. You can’t just leave when I’m freaking out about it.”

A small half-smile flashed across his face, gone before Claire could register it. He ran his thumb over her cheekbone. “You don’t look like you’re freaking out.”

“Oh, but I am,” she assured him, “and I might need some help dealing with it.”

Owen wrapped his arm around her shoulders and dropped a kiss into her hair. “It’s like I said – welcome to the club.”

---

6 months later

It was Harper who gave Claire the idea, and in retrospect, it was practical more than anything else.

The girl needed a mother and a father, and that was something that Claire could fix.

After laying her plan out to Owen, she asked Karen to prepare the paperwork, stating explicitly that his rights must remain intact no matter what. If anything, it was meant to be just a safety net in case something happened to Owen, but on the day Claire Dearing officially became a legal guardian to Harper Elizabeth Grady, Sylvia and Greg Campbell withdrew their custody claim.

“You know what that means, right?” Owen asked Claire when they walked out of Karen’s office, each holding a copy of guardianship papers.

“That I must brace myself for a soon-to-be-teenager?” she inquired, slipping her hand into his, and then shuddered dramatically, “God, please tell me I don’t have to learn how to cook .”

“No, you weirdo.” He dipped his head to press his mouth to Claire’s for a quick kiss. “You might have to move in with us.”

Her lips stretched into a grin. “Well, technically speaking--”

“Technically speaking, we really want you to,” he said, his voice dropping, and Claire’s heart made a flip in her chest, plunging down all the way from thirty thousand feet in the sky without a parachute. “Don’t make me sic Harper on you,” he added quickly when she opened her mouth, probably thinking that Claire was going to argue. “I know you can’t say no to her.”

“Well, there must be something about your family as a whole, then…” She rolled her eyes. “And I was just going to say that I might not have enough boxes so we’ll have to pick up some more this weekend. If you were indeed serious about the whole moving in thing.” Eyebrows arched, Owen squeezed her fingers, beaming for all he was worth. “Also, dibs on that blue cup that I like.”

His jaw dropped comically. “But it’s my favourite!”

“Take it or leave it, Grady,” Claire snorted, biting back her smile.

Owen threw his arm around her neck and kissed her on the hair, the two of them blocking the pathway on a busy afternoon, and not caring one bit about it.

“You can have it so long as I got dibs on you.”

#jurassic world #claire dearing #owen grady #clawen #claire x owen #my fic #untouchable

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son-of-alderaan · 6 years ago

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Making a movie is a powerful thing,” says Adam Driver, dressed in a baggy hoodie and eating a breakfast of bacon and eggs at Brooklyn’s Dumbo House. “And to fuck it up or get tired while you’re making it?” He frowns. “Why not make sure you leave nothing on the table instead?” The 34-year-old actor is here on a cool fall morning talking about his own career, both onscreen — most recently in BlacKkKlansman; most famously as Adam Sackler in HBO’s landmark Girls and Kylo Ren in two Star Wars films — and onstage. It’s the latter, via his Arts in the Armed Forces nonprofit, which brings theater to military personnel, that he’s most eager to talk about. (On November 12, AITAF will celebrate its tenth anniversary with a special Broadway performance of Sam Shepard’s True West.) But he knows it’s the glow from the big and small screens that often draws people in. Like, presumably, the eager young podcaster who sidles up to us and asks if Driver will participate in a live podcast something or other. Or the barista who wants his autograph in her book of poetry. “I thought,” Driver says, despite having handled the interruptions gracefully, “that here I could avoid that kind of thing.”

Stories written about you always make a big deal out of the fact that you’re an actor who served in the military.[1] Like it’s a kitschy thing?

Not so much kitschy, but as if those two jobs are fundamentally at odds. Are they? I see more commonalities than differences, but yeah, in one job you’re pretending the stakes are life and death and in the other they actually are. And people expect that being in the military is going to be difficult. They’re not like, “Oh, the catering’s bad. Oh, we’re shooting more than 14 hours?” Fucking who cares? The stakes are so high [in the military] that there’s no “Well, I feel this way.” Everyone is on the same plane.

What are the commonalities? The team effort. You have a group of people working toward a bigger picture, working together intimately for however long it takes to get the job done, and there’s somebody who’s in charge who, if they know what they’re doing, makes everything seem necessary and urgent. And if they don’t know, everything feels like a demoralizing waste of time.

But the collective effort you just described could also be said about a business or a sports team. Sure.

So what I’m trying to ask about are the specific mental and emotional similarities and differences that might exist between actors and soldiers. It seems to me that one profession is at least partly about individual expression and one is more about conformity. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. This is where things differ: In the military there’s a structure in place for how things work, and you can’t supersede it. If a PFC is really good at his job, then he’ll get put in charge. But in making movies, when people get to a certain level they can push their needs ahead of others’. Acting is not set up to be a collective effort. It can be, but it never is.

What do you mean? There’s more bureaucracy to navigate.

There’s more bureaucracy in acting than in the military? I’d never realized that most of your job in acting is managing personalities and talking about your job. Only, like, 10 percent is the actual doing of it. Sometimes that 10 percent is all you need to keep motivated but often there’s so much bullshit — never mind. I don’t want to complain about having a great job. I don’t want to be that guy. What am I trying to say? Obviously in the arts people have more liberty to be individual, but I still think of the work as a group effort. I’m not saying my view is better than anyone else’s but it can be at odds with someone who thinks, No, you guys are here to support me with my effort.

How much do money and fame distort your thinking and feeling about work? Does money? Yeah, it does. In terms of this nonprofit, we [AITAF][2] could probably be doing even better financially if I wasn’t one of the people at the head because I’m so unwilling to do so many things — or talk to people in general.

Because those things make you uncomfortable? I don’t want to start getting into favors. It’s not about me and Star Wars. It’s about the people that we’re trying to serve and if you don’t get that then I’d rather not be associated with your money. I guess that applies to acting also. But then you have someone like [John] Cassavetes, who did all this TV work and had no loyalty to the things he was doing just for money. He would take all that money and dump it into Faces or Opening Night. I’m sorry. I feel like I don’t have the right answers for you.

There’s nothing wrong with your answers. What made you think acting could fulfill you in the same ways that being in the military did? I don’t know. As you change, your relationship to your job changes. At school [Juilliard] I learned the value of time. Well, I learned that in the military, but I transferred it into making movies. I don’t take doing a play or making a movie for granted: We’re here, right now, and we’re never going to get a chance to do this again. It always seems like a miracle when someone is willing to pay for us to do that. And the fact that films are so democratic — for me, it was discovering [Martin] Scorsese and [Jim] Jarmusch movies in Indiana.[3]

The Blockbuster in your town had Jim Jarmusch movies? It was a Hollywood Video. We also had a Blockbuster and PJ’s Video. You just learn how films have a way of finding their audience. Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore was completely different from my life growing up, but finding it was so powerful. Making something that can affect someone like that is an amazing opportunity. And we’re not going to live forever, so we have to make the most of the time we have. I’m getting very saccharine, but you can’t take anything for granted. I don’t know, these big themes of life and death — feel free to jump in any time.

Okay, I know that acting in Silence, which was all about sacrifice and purpose, made you wonder about the larger point of being an actor. Right.

So how does thinking about your job in a holistic way like that affect how you go about it? I don’t know if I have a good answer to that.

I bet you do. That thinking you just described affects everything. Without sounding pretentious, which is impossible, I’m trying to mean it as much as I can. So I want to work with people who are taking things seriously. There’s a quote I stole from an interview with Thelma Schoonmaker. It’s something like, “Making a movie is like having to take a piss.” It’s so urgent. That’s how I feel.

Does acting need to be difficult in order for you to feel like it’s worthwhile? No. Some roles are more challenging than others. Silence, for example, was physically exhausting[4] but that’s what was required. I do like to work hard, though. I don’t know if that’s because I’m from the Midwest and was raised with “you work from nine-to-five and you come home exhausted.” But I don’t need work to be any more difficult than it needs to be. I’m always trying to find a way to work more economically. Can I ask you something?

Yep. Do you feel with writing that you overdo things or put a lot of work in you didn’t need? I always want to feel like I’ve exhausted every opportunity so that no question comes up while I’m working that I can’t answer.

I think what I do is a million times easier than what you do, but yeah, I try to make sure I’m as prepared and have as many cards to play as possible. Right, right, right. Also, this is another frustrating thing: You’re at a table read and you’re reading the script for the first time and in a way it’ll never be that good again. You weren’t thinking about it. You weren’t overanalyzing. You were just doing what was instinctual. I’ve been lucky to work on jobs that required me to trust my instincts and move on. [Steven] Soderbergh[5] is one of those people who will only give you one or two takes no matter how much you’ve prepared. Spike Lee[6] is another. Then you have Noah Baumbach[7], who’ll do 50 takes and that’s 50 opportunities to do the same scene in a completely different way.

You did an interview with Noah Baumbach where you talked about having to “rebel” when you get too comfortable with your work. What does that mean? It doesn’t mean not showing up to set or anything like that. But if Noah wants me to move over there [in a scene], I don’t want him or me to get too comfortable trusting that I will go over there. So if we’re doing a scene 40 or 50 times, I’ll need to do something to remind myself that it’s all supposed to be happening for the first time. Maybe I won’t go over there and I’ll completely fuck it up. I’ll have a little battle with him [Baumbach] to keep the scene on its toes.

Are you someone who thinks a lot about your own thoughts? You can probably tell from this conversation that I overthink the shit out of everything. I do try to be introspective but not to a point that it’s vain and I’m thinking me, me, me.

Let me tell you why my belly button is so interesting. [Laughs.] Yeah, what makes me tick? In life I have such a problem of wanting control, and between “action” and “take” is the only time when I have to think about just one thing. In that moment there’s nothing else, and so much of my life I spend thinking about myself or other people, life, death, what our point is in the world. So to not have to think — this discussion is getting too abstract. I’m also moved by straightforward things like the writing in Ordinary People[8]. You know that movie?

For sure. There’s this scene in the hallway when he [Timothy Hutton’s character] is like, “You took trig?” And she [Mary Tyler Moore’s character] goes, “Did I take trig?” It’s very beautiful. There’s also a scene where those two are outside and he’s trying to talk about Bucky, the brother who died, and she’s talking about something else and he starts barking like a dog. So there’s the formal structure of the script — the lines that are spoken — and then there’s something abstract, too. I want to make sure that I don’t shut myself off from that abstract thing.

You’ve been helping run a nonprofit for ten years. What are you doing better now with it than you used to? I didn’t used to feel comfortable fundraising. Like, “Yeah we’re interested in your mission but could you take a picture with my daughter? She’s a big Star Wars fan and if you do that I’ll give you $100,000.” No, I’m not going to take it. Is there nobody that is just philanthropic for the sake of it? Is there always some picture with your kid? I don’t want AITAF things to turn into Star Wars events. But then you say, “No,” and you’ve pissed somebody off. I don’t know that I ever handled that badly; I just took it too personally.

So now you say yes? I still say no. It has to be the right thing or it can feel disgusting. Some people are good with being like, “It feels uncomfortable but imagine what you can do with that money.” So I’m starting to get more comfortable with that idea because we’re raising money not only for a military nonprofit, but a performing arts nonprofit. It’s difficult. We’re not saying, “Give us $100 and it’ll go towards $100 of art.” We’re giving something that you can’t quantify.

You find that you can’t emotionally disassociate when you have to glad-hand? Even if you know it’s for a greater goal? I can see the advantage of going “What do I care?” but I’m not wired that way. This is an ongoing thing I’m trying to figure out. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing us [AITAF] a disservice, but I don’t want people to give us money for me. I want to cultivate donors that we’ll have a lasting relationship with. So it’s not just, “Give me a check and we’ll keep this as impersonal as possible.” I’m trying to make things meaningful. Do you know what I’m saying? I’m not quite explaining myself.

I get what you’re saying. Okay, good. I’m trying to say things to you here that I don’t normally say.

I know fame, and the subject of fame, is not your favorite thing. So how did that distaste factor into your decision to be in Star Wars? You had to know that’d kick things into a higher gear. No.

No? I was aware that more people would see it than see most things I do, but I don’t think I could have anticipated how often I’d get recognized because it’s so different for every person. I’m very tall and I look a certain way. I can’t blend into a crowd.

You’re fairly nondescript this morning. I look suspicious.

What’s interesting to you about playing Kylo Ren? That’s hard to say because we’re working toward something in particular with that character. I don’t want to give anything away.

It seems like it’d be fun to play around in that world. Yeah, the scale and size is interesting. Usually you work with people who are like, “Everybody save their cigarettes because we’ll need them for the rest of the movie.” But Star Wars has 4,000 people working on it. It’s an entirely different process.

Is there anything about your public persona that’s given you insight about yourself? Or made you think about yourself differently? What do you mean?

There are very few people in the world who can see the ways in which a large number of other people view them. But celebrities can. So does seeing what people pick up on — whether it’s being considered attractive or intense — incur any particular self-reflection? Being an “intense” actor[9], I don’t understand what that means. That I show up on set and glare at people? That before every scene I’m like, “I need to fire off a rocket really quick and then I’ll come back and act.” That I carry around cold cuts that I smash before every scene?

Do you? [Laughs.] Only on Paterson[10]. I don’t think of myself as an intense person. If what I’m doing is so abnormal that it’s intense — yeah, I have no idea. I’m not a method actor. I like to stay focused on set but it’s not because I have a process that I’m imposing on everybody else. Sometimes you have to be more focused in between scenes because what’s happening is that, on something like Star Wars, it’s pure comedy in between takes. It’s stormtroopers running into walls because they can’t see through their helmets. So I don’t know where the intense thing came from.

This has been a mostly serious conversation. So just to counterbalance a bit: What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun?

Assuming you have any. I’m so fun that I can’t think of anything. Clubbing. I go clubbing[11] .

Did I read somewhere that you play music? No, I don’t play music.

You don’t play an instrument? I play the piano, but it’s not …

It’s not for fun? [Laughs.] Yeah, not for fun. Work is sometimes fun. I mean, I have fun. What do I do for fun though?

It’s okay if you don’t have an answer. I have no fun.

One more question related to fame, and I mean this as nicely as possible: I could imagine that in high school you were maybe kind of gawky looking, and then to learn as an adult that you’ve become an internet sex symbol — did that have any bearing on your self-conception? I’m not aware of much of this. Social media, I don’t participate. I don’t have an opinion that it’s bad — or worse. You’re right that the existence of a public persona is an interesting thing, but I have no control over it so I don’t try to control it.

Some people try to control it. That’s not how I want to spend my time.

When did you know that you wanted to be an actor? And when did being an actor feel like something that could actually happen? In retrospect, I always wanted to be an actor. I did a play in my freshman year of high school and then tried to do theater throughout. The rule in our house was that I could do it if I got good grades. But being an actor didn’t seem like a realistic job to someone living in Mishawaka, Indiana. Juilliard was one of the only colleges I wanted to go to, and before I joined the military I auditioned. I liked that that school didn’t check grades and admission was based on your abilities. That doesn’t mean I thought good, I’m in.

It meant you thought you had a shot. Yeah. And then I didn’t get in and I put acting out of my mind. But it wasn’t until I was in the military that I was like, “I know what I want to do when I get out.”

Was there something that happened? I had a come-to-Jesus moment. There was a training accident with white phosphorous[12] where we very easily could have died. After that happened I thought, The two things I really want to do are smoke cigarettes and be an actor. And then it just so happened that I did wind up getting accepted [into Juilliard] and I was incredibly lucky to go from having not even a novice’s understanding of the acting world to suddenly having the best access.

Is a soldier who has been affected by the arts different than one who hasn’t? I think so. The Armed Forces has acronyms for acronyms but no language for expressing anything abstract. When you actually have that tool at your disposal, there’s such — I’m hesitating to say “cathartic” because that sounds pretentious, but there’s such power in being able to describe a feeling.

How does having that ability manifest itself in a soldier’s behavior? Speaking for myself, coming from the military and not talking about what we did and then suddenly encountering a play that described my experience was incredibly important — even though the play wasn’t about the military. And the military is a stressful environment. Having an emotional outlet is — I hate to say therapeutic because I don’t want to label what we do as therapy — but I just think it’s good. And it’s not as if everyone in the military only thinks about the military. It’s like, you’re a writer and on top of writing you have to deal with your kids and whatever else is going on in your life. It’s the same situation with the military, only people are also handling weapons. People are stressed out. Expressing that feeling somehow makes it less stressful.

Do you remember the first play that was cathartic for you in that way? True West was one of the plays that started it all for me: the idea of brotherhood, and how the characters are so different but bound by their brotherhood. I totally got that play. These answers I’ve been giving you are the worst. I’m listening to myself and thinking, What the fuck am I talking about?

Why do you keep saying that?! Your answers have all been fine. Anyway, this is probably overly broad, but I think that underneath a lot of what you’ve been talking about is the idea of integrity. Is the business you work in — show business, Hollywood, whatever you want to call it — a high-integrity one? How do I give you an answer without giving you a headline?

I don’t know. That was a joke.

I know. But I’m not bailing you out. No, you aren’t. I would say no, it isn’t high integrity. There are people in this business that have integrity and I’ve been lucky enough to work with a lot of them. But overall no, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of integrity. I’m not saying anything controversial with that. At the higher levels there’s interest in money, and wherever that appears, it affects people’s choices. But I try to work with people whose main interest is in making the thing we’re working on as good as possible.

How interested are you in the subject of masculinity? Was exploring that part of what made the military appealing? I don’t know if I was seeking that out — I guess so. When I was in high school I wasn’t an organized sports guy. A bunch of guys getting together doesn’t sound appealing to me. I never had the “hey bro, let’s all hang out” thing. I haven’t been asked about this subject a lot recently. When Girls came up I used to get these questions more.

Questions about masculinity? About modern masculinity and what it means.

Why do you think people were asking you that? Because I was playing a type of guy on that show. Maybe also because a lot of people thought that since Girls somehow represented a generation of women then that guy [Adam Sackler] also represented a generation. That’s not really an answer to your question. I have no insights on modern masculinity. I don’t think much about it. I see value in being emotionally available sometimes. I see value in getting angry sometimes. A sense of responsibility is a good thing to have. I don’t have a better answer than that.

Do the best directors[13] you’ve worked with have common ways of going about their job? They all know there’s no one right way to do anything. They’re constantly exploring or doing things wrong. The great thing about this work is that you you never truly figure anything out. It can always be better. It can always be more economical.

You’ve mentioned “economical” a couple times. Why is that quality important to you? I’ve had the experience at the end of a play’s run of wishing I could go back and start with what I’d learned from doing it for four months — instead of having wasted energy on things that didn’t work. If I can start from an economical, efficient place then the performance is going to be better.

Is there a role that you can look back at and think, I did that as well as I could? No. I try not to watch things that I do.

But you must have feelings about what worked and what didn’t. There are ones that felt good, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that made them better. And it’s not my job to feel good about what I’m doing. It’s the audience’s job to get an effect from what I do. I can feel anything I want. But I do remember one of the first theater jobs that I ever had, right out of school, was a play we did at the Rattlestick Theater called Slipping. I didn’t know anything and that was good.

Because not knowing anything meant you didn’t have any expectations? Yeah, exactly. I had no pressure. I was just doing what I’d gone to school for four years to do.

It’s a special feeling when you first get paid to do what you’ve always wanted to do. Yeah. It was a miracle to be making a living as an actor. Nothing else mattered. What I get to do, it still feels like a fucking miracle.

This interview has been edited and condensed from two conversations.

[1]Motivated by a sense of patriotism post-9/11 — and a desire to get out of his Indiana hometown — Driver enlisted in the Marine Corps. He served for just shy of three years before being medically discharged after breaking his sternum in a bicycle accident.

[2]Driver and his wife, actress Joanne Tucker (the two met at Juilliard), have been working hard at AITAF since they were students, bringing what Driver described to me as “the greatest hits of modern American theater” to soldiers all over the world. That means material by the likes of Sam Shepard, Stephen Adly Guirgis, August Wilson, etc.

[3]Driver was born to Nancy Wright and Joe Douglas Driver in San Diego, but raised in Mishawaka, Indiana (home to an AM General Hummer plant!). His stepfather was a Baptist minister. Despite that, by his own admission, Driver was a misfit growing up.

[4] For Martin Scorsese’s harrowing 2016 adaptation of the great Shūsaku Endō novel, Driver lost 50 pounds to play a Jesuit priest trying to clandestinely spread Christianity in 17th-century Japan.

[5]Driver gave a sly performance as a one-handed bar owner and Iraq War veteran (he stays on just the right side of caricature) in Soderbergh’s delightfully breezy 2017 heist movie Logan Lucky.

[6] Driver played police officer Flip Zimmerman in Spike Lee’s much-talked-about BlacKkKlansman. Just recently he earned a best actor nomination from the Gotham Independent Film Awards for his work in the film.

[7] Driver teamed with Baumbach for the director’s 2012 Greta Gerwig–showcase Frances Ha, as well as 2014’s modern comedy of manners While We’re Young. He’s especially funny in the latter, playing Jamie, an outwardly chill, inwardly opportunistic Brooklyn hipster.

[8]Robert Redford’s 1980 directorial debut starred Donald Sutherland, Mary Tyler Moore, and Timothy Hutton as a family coping with the aftermath of the accidental death of a son (Buck). Judd Hirsch played the therapist helping Hutton’s character through the trauma. I don’t get the sense that this movie is held up all that often these days as a classic, but it is, with uniformly strong performances.

[9] There’s a reason, after all, that SNL had Driver play Abraham H. Parnassus.

[10] Jim Jarmusch’s exquisitely subtle 2016 character study is a truly lovely film. In it, Driver plays the title character, a Paterson, New Jersey, bus driver who writes poetry in his spare time. Nothing much happens. In the best possible way.

[11] In case there’s any doubt, this is sarcasm.

[12] Here’s Driver describing the near-miss to NPR’s Terry Gross in 2015: “White phosphorus is … a highly acidic chemical … And the FO, the forward observer, the guy who’s alone, called in the wrong coordinates. And so artillery fired on us as opposed to what they were supposed to be firing, you know, miles away from us.”

[13] Given that Driver’s film career is still relatively young, the list of directors with whom he’s already worked is especially impressive: the Coen Brothers (Inside Llewyn Davis), Steven Spielberg (Lincoln), Jeff Nichols (Midnight Special), Terry Gilliam (The Man Who Killed Don Quixote), J.J. Abrams (Star Wars: The Force Awakens), and Rian Johnson (Star Wars: The Last Jedi). That’s in addition to Baumbach, Jarmusch, Lee, Scorsese, and Soderbergh.

#adam driver #interview #vulture #long post

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