#and i wouldnt want to ignore that just because it's not something im as intimately familiar with

[hungee-boy]

Feel free to ignore if you’re uncomfortable with or just don’t want to answer but how would you change isebela to not be caricature without changing the whole character? Would it be more fashion changes or physical or something else?

Kinda like: how would you change her if you were her character writer/designer for the new game?

isabela at her core i think is a very compelling character and is relatable to a lot of romani experiences, especially with her doing whatever she has to to survive

i would definitely keep her stealing as castillion's responsibility, him making her steal the tome of koslun under threat of death for example would be fine because if he wasnt in the picture, chances are she wouldnt have stolen it in the first place

other forms of thievery besides just like looting bodies and picking chests (as those are gameplay mechanics for all characters) shouldnt be for her enjoyment or greed, only for her survival or just not done at all

her staying a pirate is fine imo and i like the idea of her being an ethical pirate (like her freeing the slaves castillion had her transport) but we all need to look at how pirates are depicted in fantasy and how much of that is anti-roma racism and caricatures

her being so sexualized and her comments on "life back home" are where i have the biggest issues honestly

like romani women have always been targets of fetishization and sexual violence, as well as many women being sterilized without consent to prevent more romani children being brought into the world

getting some damn clothes on her would be a great start, like some pants at the very least. i would like to incorporate more romani clothing in her design tho like maybe a traditional blouse instead of her usual top

maybe a romanced isabela can have her replace her blue dikhlo with red, since wearing a dikhlo is usually reserved for married women of certain vitsas (most common with eastern european roma if im not mistaken) or giving her a red hipcloth (again specific to certain vitsas)

romani dress is usually modest and loose fitting, with women commonly wearing long skirts and blouses with jewelry and adornments to symbolize her wealth and status and im not saying isabela should be covered head to toe, shes an open person and not every romani woman should be expected to dress one way over another, its just her look is way too impractical for the sake of being sexy and again romani women are very often sexualized regardless of what they wear

isabela's attitude towards sex and being open to intimacy is not an issue on its own, what is the issue is how the writers make fucking jokes of her sexuality at every chance they get (like the std joke in anders' clinic, aveline's slut shaming, etc. etc. etc.....) and this is just my personal opinion but there are times that she comes on too strong to like hawke or carver or fenris that seems unrealistic and just like an attempt for the writers to further hone in on how horny shes supposed to make you feel

like yes have her be open and not ashamed of being intimate but put more love and respect on it. i love an isabela that is repressed in her own feelings and the only way she knows how to have meaningful connections is through sex cus thats what was expected of her. like oh my god do you know how many people relate to that, if its done right it could be a very compelling arch to her character and maybe something she learns isnt concrete the more platonic/romantic meaningful time she has with everyone in da2 and beyond

as for her comments about rivain and the people there, like the phrase "even deny a fortune teller and theyll run you out of town" to merrill, just makes rivainis out to be greedy and shameless swindlers and that projection is obviously also put on romani people since that is a VERY common stereotype

like the phrase "getting gypped" literally means to be cheated and comes from the word gypsy. theres no denying the intention the writers had when they wrote that line for isabela

and honestly i love the idea of rivain (i say the idea cus we only hear accounts of the nation, we havent seen it in person yet) i love the idea of a matriarchal society that is religious and spiritual but does not tolerate the chantry's bigotry and openly accepts society's outcast such as mages and qunari

romani culture irl is patriarchal and often anybody who is not romani is typically not trusted, but if rivain was treated as an idealistic fantasy romanistan, where our values and traditions are implemented and we make a better world for ourselves and other outcasts then it could be very compelling

thats the thing with representation, sometimes it doesnt have to reflect reality 100%, but it still requires knowledge so that you can make new ideas based on the facts and reasoning of the group youre representing

[divinekangaroo]

Im rereading your Anders/Hawke/Fenris fic, Surrender, and I'm once again Thinking and was hoping to pick your brain, if you'd be so kind.

I'm so interested in the dynamic on display, the way they each navigate the relationship and how they cope with The Situation. I feel like I very much understand Fenris and his motivations, and on rereading I'm really getting more about Anders and what he's exemplifying. I won't share my interpretations because i feel that's presumptuous, and I'd much rather hear about your intent with the fic and how it stacks up.

I think it's obvious the fic is about the navigation of BDSM dynamics and the different ways people can engage with kink, specifically these characters and what they can get out of it. Would you consider this fic more of a character study, from the outside looking in, or more cathartic in nature? Did you relate personally to any of the characters and their struggle in the fic? I find myself accidentally working through things with my fiction all the time; is this or any of your writing like that? Some of your work is so raw and real and true to emotions i deeply understand, so I've found myself thinking you must have been writing from the same place. Is this true, or is it simply a painfully accurate and moving character study?

And while I understand Fenris and Anders' motivations and reactions, Hawke's are a little further outside my grasp. My reading is one of a man conflicted by his desires; he enjoys the power play, but takes issue with the morality of it, and when he doesn't get the aftercare/reassurance he needs (being kind and doting to Fenris), he feels cruel and immoral and that brings him pain. What i dont understand is the scene with the chamber pot, where he's afraid Fenris is leaving. He coaxes, and then orders Fenris to use the chamber pot and humiliating himself in a way that Fenris wouldnt find gratifying. Is he attempting to do as Anders does, but lacks the inherent understanding of Fenris to know when not to push? Is he upset Fenris rebuffs his kindness and understanding and need for comfort and connection and so seeks to hurt him with the power dynamic they've established?

I know some of these questions can be quite personal and intimate, but please don't take this as a desire to draw anything out of you you're not willing to share! I feel like I am interviewing a beloved author, as since i found it on AO3, I (and my partner) have been enraptured by your work. Anyway all this to say that whatever insight you share I'm grateful for, and don't feel any pressure to answer questions that cause discomfort.

Thank you you are the coolest thank you

I am so so happy this fic delivered so much interest! I both want to answer your queries, but also sort of *don’t* want to just in case I ruin the fic experience – everyone brings their own lens to reading something, and sometimes the writer's voice is the most accidentally obnoxious take. I mostly try to write in flow / instinctively, without a lot of intrusion or construction around the story itself. This all sort of means I have very half-baked, malformed and incomplete Idea Statements about what I was trying to do in a fic.

But at the same time it’s also an unfinished fic and I’m like, ohhhhh I should answer somewhat! So, I’m going to disclaimer the below with, please ignore it if it doesn't fit your mental map.

You mention BDSM dynamics: I don’t actually know all that much about BDSM. I’ve had a few scenes and they were all right, maybe two really memorable ones, but nothing that really left the moment in time in which they were happening – and I never really picked up much of the vocab, structure, rules, lifestyle. Where I’ve read BDSM, the only time I find it resonating is if there’s something larger going on and the approach to dynamics that involve sadism, masochism etc is a piece within that puzzle that serves to get deeper into the characters. But I also don’t want to seem flippant, as if I was treating the BDSM layer as purely that lens for character study, because it’s not – there’s so many ways to do a character study, but this sexual dynamic was what felt really right to me in this instance. Sex and its methods and manners of articulation is such a huge part of identity AND how cultural/societal structures police sex/identity and shape sex/identity. I do think these characters resonanted with me in part because of how they do/don’t/can’t approach their identities, how parts of their identity (and/or how they are perceived) is forced onto them rather than self-defined, and the limits of what can be self-defined; the layers of BDSM and kink around that (and the roleplay associated) in particular just felt really right, as that intersection of identity, perception of identity, the roleplay of identity and the broader context.

With that in mind, it is so very interesting to me that you pick up on Hawke and the Chamberpot Scene. It was one of the first scenes that I thought needed to happen in this fic, but I was also Not Happy At All with how it turned out. Something is not quite right in it, and I think that’s why this fic hit a wall that I couldn’t find a way to move through despite having more scenes in my head ready to go. Part of this is that the broader context around why Hawke does what he does in that scene is shaped very much by things that have not happened in that room, and I don’t think I successfully embedded that in the fic enough to feel like I could move forward.

In this AU fic where Hawke stops Anders before the Chantry boom, the particular deeply intimate and sexual dynamic going on is interconnected with:

what this Hawke did to Anders in taking away Anders’ agency when he ‘saved Anders’ from committing the Chantry boom

the power Anders holds over Hawke by continuing to choose to abide by Hawke’s strictures/umbrella of safety, even though Anders could, in turn, completely destroy Hawke’s reputation, status and this life Hawke has carved out of nothing, entirely because of how Hawke has offered himself to the Authorities as surety for Anders

the mirroring distortion that occurs when Fenris puts himself in the middle of Hawke and Anders’ pretend Happy Husbands play; that surrendered offer that nevertheless has Hawke deciding to accept it and then acting on that in increasingly boundary-broaching ways

that this Hawke, who has lost pretty much everything and everyone, will do anything, including take away (via offer or force, and with constant crossing of boundaries) the agency of those he cares about, to keep those people alive

This fic was trying to do something interesting by exploring Hawke moving from that trauma state of crafting this “life” around him where “all is well [because I took control] and everyone is being satisfied [because I am satisfying them even though I cannot give them control back],” even though that is false; the story was going to be a slow destruction of the appearance of all-is-well-ness, and in that, a slow destruction of Hawke and then a reconstruction. That you notice Hawke is harder to understand was deliberate, if I remember my thinking correctly, because I was consciously trying to foreground the more active show-and-tell/push-and-pull of Anders and Fenris, while Hawke’s processing of that deep trauma and movement towards…something…was happening in the background. (The fic hopefully shapes this better than me trying to explain lol)

The chamberpot scene was Hawke wanting to do that to Fenris, to humiliate, and in that moment, without concern, because he could. The recoil upon himself, and then the assertion of a new type of control (shut down the games, so to speak), occurred because what Hawke did instinctively and how Fenris and Anders reacted didn’t fit his mental construct of why he does what he does; Hawke wants to play this role and require these acts because it makes him feel good/safe; gratitude is not required but that his aftercare (what you noticed as his ability to offer comfort and ‘make the act of me taking over good because we're soft together again’) is; the chamberpot scene threw back in his face that his reasons for doing these things are not entirely about the role he’s tried to frame himself in, in his own mind.

Where specifically I was going to take Hawke from here, I genuinely can't remember; the next (unwritten) scene was a Fenris-Anders one and then I hit that blank wall of 'now what?'

So, was it a character study or was it cathartic, was it personal, was there a personal relation to the characters? I think it was all a little bit of this? I mean, I only find certain characters and contexts interesting, and that is usually because there is a level of personal resonance, of contextual framing or certain character presentations or reactions that I see something in that speaks to me, and gives me the shape and space to write stories with themes and experiences that I explore repeatedly. If I were to pick one consistent thing, the more I look at my back catalogue, the more I start to recognise it’s because of a recognition/resonance with a certain anger in the characters in their source material, in combination with a type of context and identity articulation/shaping -- but also, a very specific, resigned persistence they also have. Fenris I have often written in many places where his true strength is his resignation, not his rage. This is an unpopular take: survival being committed by those able to tolerate the intolerable. But Hawke has this, too; Anders who commits the Chantry boom does not, yet Anders in this AU has been forced unwillingly into that role of the resigned.

Personal experiences – I do apply personal experiences to stories, in a ‘transferrable skills’ kind of way. That sex was a theme for a lot of my DA work was 1) because of the canon (sex/identity/perception intersects are threaded throughout DA:II) but, 2) yeah, this was a time in my life that I was being particularly out there. That I was personally participating in much of this and then found a connection and an "in" to both a canon and fanfic writing lens via sexual dynamics makes sense to me, because why care if it wasn't personal, I suppose.

If my interest in certain themes, characters and contexts defines what canonical source I’m interested in engaging with, then my deeper focus on the themes and scenes I like to explore shapes the narrow band of fanfic I’d be interested in writing. And then I have this library of sensations or emotions that I shuffle through to help inform what any character is feeling at a point. Sex, too. (I mean, in many ways being overly female-bodied, I kind of feel sex as a part of identity is forced on me and so I have to take it and shape it; I do particularly like it when I find male characters, more traditionally represented as sex/uality-neutral or non-sexual default icons, who have that same kind of sex/uality either forced on them via how the canon source material represents them, or how the canon context around them perceives/partitions them.)

But -- I couldn’t point at Hawke, or Anders, or Fenris and say, he’s closest to me in this fic, because it’s more that they’re all me, but only those parts of me that serve that specific character in that scene and that specific fanfic story at that time. Nor could I point to any scene in this fic and say, that happened to me, it’s more that every scene borrows a tiny part of something I know, or am deeply interested in knowing.

There was a time I tried to write fanfic that was just entertaining without putting that part of the self in, but wow was it boring to write. I write mostly for the process and pleasure of the act of writing, not so much the product. And yeah, I guess it's that question of, why would I even bother to write if there wasn't something deeply personally resonant about both the source material and my particular take on that source material in a fanfic; I don't think I "project" myself onto a character, but I definitely pour parts of myself into the ficwriting experience overall.

(And I am sure all of this reads as amazingly pretentious for what the fic is: a kinky sort of erotic many-scened fanfiction...yet honestly, that intersection of sex/uality, identity, cultural context boundaries, perception, is my genuine sweet spot. I could not write the porn if there wasn't the other stuff going on to make the porn interesting to me. It does make for strange sex writing, though; I want the story to be about sex and kink, but having it be hot probably is secondary to me compared to having the sex and kink be meaningful to the broader context? And that's the rest of the framing that is just as important to me: if Hawke, Anders, Fenris weren't caught in that particular point of time of a thwarted Chantry boom and all else that surrounds that as a canon divergent fic, the sex and kink dynamic would not be what it is represented as; a canonical Hawke x Fenris x Anders (pre or post Chantry boom) would not be what I explore in this fic.)

I hope that was something interesting to read, not too much navel-gazing, and particularly that it hasn’t soured the fic – it's ten years old! This is absolute joy! I’m so very, very moved you find the story deeply meaningful and thank you so much for reaching out to let me know.

[boyfriendchosethisurl]

submitter here. a couple of things

for people telling me to talk to my boyfriend: i have. i brushed over the conversation we had in the initial ask, but i did ask him about what he thought. we had a pretty lengthy talk. again, my vague wording is causing confusion because at some points i said he doesn’t mind them and sometimes i said he likes them. i’m going to let him write this next part to explain for himself

👋 hiii Boyfriend! here. i like the pet names a lot !! i sort of like… the reason i dont normally like them is because im too used to people using them very genderedly (?? is that a word). in hs i tried a lot harder to pass but even when i did i had so many people say im pretty “like a girl” that even when people just call me pretty now i hear the comparison to girls in my head. ive also had too many ppl call me pretty and cute in a demeaning way. So thts my own internalized issue but i just Don’t like it. but i love op a whole lot and i know he doesnt mean it like that, and i actually really like it from him!! its nice to let myself be complimented in ways and called things i wouldnt be able to let myself be called otherwise i think id be pretty upset if they stopped honestly. we are all good ^-^

i was very ready to drop the issue as soon as we had this talk. i told Z we had this talk. she has continued to dig her heels in

i had to think a little on the reason this has continued to bother me, and yeah i feel like the reason is because Z keeps insisting im being transphobic, im seriously worried she’s right and ive internalized some stuff. the whole point of internalized transphobia is you don’t realize you’re doing it, right? Z’s argument at this point is that whether or not me and my boyfriend know it, im fetishizing him, and that makes me dangerous. on some level i feel like she has more authority to make this argument because she’s trans and im not. and because she’s told other people this too she’s not the only one giving me the side eye

i guess the issue here is less that i’m worried i’m making him uncomfortable, and more that im worried i’m unconsciously being transphobic because that’s what Z keeps insisting. if internalized transphobia led me here i want to be able to reflect on it but it’s hard to discern if that’s what’s happening, and the trans people i know (Z and my boyfriend) are telling me different things. im not trying to ignore him by submitting this, i want to see if a larger crowd of trans people think im being unintentionally transphobic or not

for people saying my boyfriend should talk to Z: he has, he’s been in contact with her throughout all of this. it’s only me she’s avoiding, and he’s tried to explain that he likes the pet names to her and she’s continued to insist that he’s just being too passive or he doesn’t realize what’s happening. though me and him have talked and we both agree he definitely hasn’t put his foot down as hard as he should. he and Z’s relationship is sort of built on her looking out for him, which i guess makes it hard for him, in general, to disagree with her outright.

also, someone asked if i call him other pet names besides ones like these: i do! the most common petname i use for him is just “babe”, that’s pretty much our default. i dont use these ones super often unless we’re alone or being intimate, i just accidentally let it slip in front of Z this one time because i was drunk as hell

(also me and him talked briefly about the pregnancy thing and sort of tossed it around. he says he’s not outright against the idea and he does want kids one day, no matter what method is used, but we didn’t discuss it too much since we definitely aren’t planning to have kids anytime soon. specifics are a conversation for future us)

so. i think the two of are going to stage, like… an intervention? or something? we’re discussing how to get her into a conversation with both of us since she’s avoiding me. fingers crossed

@am-i-the-asshole-official

aita for calling my boyfriend babygirl

let me clarify upfront: my boyfriend has never expressed discomfort with this, and says he likes it, so it’s potentially a non-issue, but it’s still bugging me. this has been ongoing for a little over a month and i feel like i’m going nuts. forgive me if any of the language i use here isn’t correct, i don’t know how else to get the ideas across - feel free to correct me if i could be saying things more inclusively. sorry that this is rambly also. small nsfw warning (nothing too explicit)

i (22m) have been dating my boyfriend (19ftm) for a little over a year. i’m cis and he is trans. admittedly i’m not like… the most well versed in trans issues but i love him more than life itself so i really try to be respectful of him. he was bullied pretty severely in highschool, not just for being trans but his gender identity was no small part of it, and even though he’s not super dysphoric day to day he’s definitely got some boundaries about it. there are certain compliments he likes and some that upset him (he doesn’t enjoy being called pretty or cute, typically) and he’ll snap at people for referring to him with feminine names or titles like “sis” “girl” etc even if it’s done jokingly.

the thing is he’s rarely, if ever, done that with me? i call him pretty and cute all the time (because he is) and he’s always been fine with it. admittedly the first time i did it i didn’t know it was something that usually bugged him, but he’s never said anything to me about it. everytime i have he’s seemed happy. he’s very outspoken, i pretty firmly believe if it was a problem he’d say something about it - again, he has no issues being firm about this boundary with any of his other friends and family. i was doing this before we started dating, so after we started dating it sort of bled into pet names

again, it was never something i asked him about expressly, but at some point i started calling him, like… princess, babygirl, etc. i only ever do this in private, when its just us or when i’m pretty sure only he can hear me, for a few reasons. my boyfriend doesn’t really pass (entirely his choice. he doesn’t bind his chest and he doesn’t want any gender affirming surgeries or hrt - again, he’s not super dysphoric day to day, he only gets upset when it’s commented on and he can bounce back from it pretty quickly) and again, it seems like it’s always made him happy. at the risk of tmi, it especially seems to make him happy in the bedroom, which is another reason i avoid dropping these pet names in front of anyone else. it’s private and i don’t think it’s anyone else’s business.

so. to put this mildly. we went to a house party together recently and i got super smashed. it was a pretty big party so we were sticking by each other, and when you’re drunk and your partner is there… well, yeah. i was admittedly being pretty handsy. he didn’t tell me to knock it off or anything, he was reciprocating. at some point he started talking to his best friend from highschool (19mtf, i’ll call her Z) so i reigned myself in but i was definitely still drunk and horny and being clingy. i don’t know Z all that well - she and my boyfriend are very close but she can be pretty harsh, and i appreciate all she does for him so i like her, but we never talk unless he’s there. i’ve had maybe one one-on-one conversation with this woman ever.

they’re talking. i’m also there. i’m not trying to rush him but i definitely want to get home. the conversation lulls and i take the chance to ask my boyfriend if he wants to leave soon, and because i am aforementionedly drunk and horny i drop one of those earlier pet names. before he can respond to me, Z snaps at me. she says not to call him that and that i was being a creep - this alarms me and was kind of frustrating since i wasn’t even talking to her, and i recognize i’m not in a headspace to argue? with her? so i just tell my boyfriend to come find me when he wants to leave and i wander outside. he finds me about 5-10 minutes later and we head home.

it doesn’t get brought up again that night but a day or so later i text Z to ask her what she meant by me being a creep, because it was bugging me. she says that it’s obvious i’m fetishizing my boyfriend’s gender identity, that the fact i call him those things brings up major red flags, etc. i tell her that my boyfriend doesn’t have an issue with it. she says it doesn’t matter and asks me why i want to call him those names in the first place, and posits that maybe i don’t actually want to be dating a boy - that i just like the idea of dating a boy and actually want to be with a woman. i’m gay, so this is VERY out of pocket to me. i tell her my boyfriend is not a woman and end the conversation there, but it DOES stick with me. so, very belatedly, i ask my boyfriend what he thinks of all this. i adore him so much and i hate hate hate the idea i could’ve been treating him like that, even unintentionally. he says the pet names never bothered him and he’s never felt like that, and that he’s fine with me specifically doing it because he trusts me and knows i don’t see him as a girl.

so, whatever. she has a problem but me and my boyfriend don’t. i try to move on, but the next time i see her she asks if i’ve apologized/reflected at all. i tell her no, because my boyfriend said i have nothing to apologize for and it seems like a non-issue. she is now avoiding me, refuses to be in the same room as me, and will declare to anyone who asks that she doesn’t want to be near someone who fetishizes trans people and she doesn’t feel safe around me. my boyfriend tries to talk to her but she insists i need to apologize at the bare minimum, but to who? even if i did apologize to my boyfriend i wouldn’t mean it and he wouldn’t want it. Z is his long-time best friend, i can’t exactly go the rest of our relationship just avoiding her. so i have no damn idea where to go from here.

on some level, i worry she’s right? i honestly don’t know why i started calling him those things. i think it started as a joke but i just kept doing it when i noticed he seemed to like it. in hindsight that was maybe shitty of me, but i trust him to tell me when something i do is making him uncomfortable. it’s not like i can do that over, but if he ever told me to stop i would. it’s definitely true that if you saw my boyfriend on the street you’d probably assume he’s a woman, but i’ve never been attracted to anyone who actually identifies as a woman before. i’ve only ever liked men, and no matter what he looks like he is a man. this whole situation did make me think about how i think about him, and i’ve realized that, like… i want to have kids with him one day, and ideally i’d like him to carry them. ideally, but id never make him. if he decided tomorrow that he wanted to medically transition and go the whole nine yards i’d support him. he’s my whole world, i just want him to be happy. but does the fact i want him to carry children prove her right?

i’m just. confused. i feel like i’m running myself in circles. Z knew him in highschool so she was there when bullying over his gender was at his worse, so i get why she’s protective. she’s also trans herself so she undoubtedly understands this stuff better than me. but i’ve heard it’s normal for trans people to have complicated relationships with gender, so it’s normal to be okay with gendered language from some people and not others (like only letting close friends use certain pronouns for you). i figure it’s like that, but it’s not my gender so… i don’t know. should i just stop calling him those pet names altogether, even though i know at this point he enjoys them, to be safe? am i an asshole for calling him those things in the first place / would i be an asshole if i kept doing it?

What are these acronyms?

[nahalism]

There’s this girl who has been in me for two years and no matter what I do, it doesn’t go away. I have periods where I’m doing great and also not. When I’m not doing great, I think about her and it drives me crazy. When I’m doing great, I work on myself, feel better, but then it hits me harder. As if she gets closer. She comes in dreams, but I can also feel her. Never bad, it always has been warm and pure. She changed me and my life. Unknowingly. It made me spiritual. Weird thing, we only spoke online. The past three weeks the dreams turned into nightmares and it’s not warm and pure. Its not like the other dreams, where I felt both of us where there. I’m not sure if my fears are hunting me, or if it’s really happening. She ignored me in the dream, walked away and was with another guy. She had a relationship and I was happy for her, but this just feels different. The dreams make me not wanna sleep and this sounds even crazier, but i feel like I sense her being intimate w another guy. It’s a gross feeling in my body and idc about nothing, but this drives me mental. Idk what it is or why her. Never had this with any girl. Not the ones I dated either. Tbh I asked myself if it’s me linking this awaking to her, but this awaking happened 4/5 after we stopped talking. I asked myself if I portray my desires on her, but it can’t be. The first time I’ve seen her face on a photo, i don’t know what it was, but I heard “she’s part of you” and honestly not one day since then has been without her in my head. Beside that she’s my opposite. It can’t be real. She’s on every guy and very open minded, while I am very private and just want to be in a relationship rather than being w everyone a little bit for a while. I know it’s weird. I did not tell her this or anyone I know, cuz how tf do you explain. I accepted it all. We either speak, meet or will never, but I can’t bare living w these dreams and gross things in my body. You seem honest, whatever it is I’m curious about your thoughts. Have you felt anything similar or have tips on how to get rid of this?

hey. in advance, this is going to be really long – i 100% believe in unexplainable spiritual, emotional, mental ties that occur between people, whether they're built over time, or instantaneous. i think sometimes those quick intense bonds need to be watched though, because whether or not theres a true vibrational match underlying them, they tend to have their roots in trauma or unconscious conditioning.

its hard to speak on your situation because i dont know the depth and breadth of you guy's conversations. im weary of filling you with a false perception or confidence that theres potential between you, when i have no evidence to support that. there may or may not be something between you both, but ill gear my observations toward your own self enquiry, then hopefully if there is potential between you two, that self inquiry will put you in better stead to further cultivate your relationship with her and yourself.

disclaimer: i know you said you dont think your projecting your own desire on to her, but i have to speak the truth of what i feel with the facts i have. – often what we feel in relation to other people is a deep mirror of something operating within ourselves. since most people are usually unaware of what those aspects within them are, we feel drawn to understand them and relate to them by understanding ourselves through the people we are drawn to. this means you may not be actively projecting your feelings on to her, but that she is a larger projection of something you resonate with/feel. if not, she wouldnt be such a high vibrational match to you and showing up for you the way she is, and intensely as she is.

if the truth of the situation is that you feel bonded to this girl beyond physical explanation, (a connection so deep its awakening things within you you never felt before), then my question for you is, why haven't you spoken to her about it, or made moves to actively pursue her? im not saying divulge the full depth of your feelings and experiences straight away, because telling her all that at once might be a bit intense and scare her off. (not because what you feel is wrong, but because it can be confusing to have someone feel all these things about you without having met you, or truly gotten to know u. she may feel unduly fantasised about or fetishised which will enhance a feeling that the relationship is one way & feel way too intense, yfm?)

anyway, the fact you feel all these things but are so quick to accept that you 'may never meet her and nothing may ever come of it' seems like complete passivity and almost a rejection of pursuing what you deep down desire or yearn for in order to protect urself/ ur feelings/preserve ur pride from rejection/failure? (or even out of the feeling that even if your current relationship is limited, at least it still exists which is better than nothing). regardless of the reason, the fact your talking to me about this and haven't addressed it with her, is an issue, and the part you need to get to the bottom of. regardless of if she feels the same right now, its fully possible that had you moved to her, she may have awakened to that same feeling, and same connection you feel toward her. the fact that you didnt, and werent vulnerable with what you were feeling in the moment is what allowed that chance to slip.

what may be haunting you in the form of those nightmares may therefore not even have anything to do with her being with other guys. it could be a reflection of the discomfort you feel deep down toward all you feel but haven't voiced/acted on. if that resonates, then it could be that the disgust/grossness you feel, is less about her actions, and more about you having fumbled an opportunity to be in a role you secretly desire to be in with her due to your own inability to act on what you feel. – again, if that resonates question: is that theme present somewhere else in your life? wanting something deeply but not striving to attain it because you feel its futile and out of your reach? – if thats the case, are the intensity of your feelings truly about her, or do they exist in relation to her in as far as she represents something desired but unattainable. –––– if im completely off here then question why it is that you cant bare to think of her with someone else. you cant bare to perceive her in the way you usually feel comfortable doing, specifically because she feels distant to you and attached to someone else.. yet you also havent done the work to make sure that wouldn't be the case?

who knows. it could be that she is a part of you. whether thats as a life partner or as a teacher, only you and she can answer that. her being your opposite doesn't mean she cant be perfect for you, and her being more liberal with her approach to dating at the moment doesn't mean that she may not desire containment and a long term relationship. but in order for that to manifest, you also have to show up in your authority and as the kind of person she feels willing to be in a relationship with. being blasé or nonchalant is not cool and is not the embodiment of that energy.

this is all hypothetical of course, because idk if her feelings toward you are mutual. if they are, id suggest you do the work to make yourself emotionally and physically available to her. dont fear rejection or assume that if shes into you she'll drop everything and make you a priority. you may have to put in work and show up as a solid figure for a while for the situation to unfold.

if she isnt in to you, try not to beat yourself up or feel weird for 'inventing scenarios' in your heard. your not weird, your working through something, and as time passes the lesson will be whats prominent, not the circumstances that brought you to learning it. take the l, charge it, just do the work to make sure u arent caught slipping again.

i genuinely hope this helped and that i didnt just make u feel more misunderstood. im sending u love and all the resolve necessary to be able to assert yourself accordingly in this situation!!! may you get your desired outcome, and that regardless of whether u do or dont the growth that comes from this is the most beautiful part. ty for trusting in me enough to share with me and lean on me <333333333333

bon chance !

[bkafkab]

i think if i could replace a part of what i want/ need with content consumption i would man. to have a crush or feel in love is just agony and pure raw dogging of emotions man. cant believe the hold she has on my emotions, where she is in terms of my priority wrt where i stand for her. all i do is talk about her or think about her and think you know this message is good or yk i can get her this or idk lol. cant watch a fucking movie cause all i was doing during the course of that movie was think about why did she not think harder about her masters, like she could have genuinely done one at germany or something and yk i could have joined her in europe or something but she is just running on pure vibes.

neither do i think she understands the affect she has on my emotions. that talk after i crawled back to her after saying gn to g was such a favorite and beautiful moment for me, my heart was so :3 and everything when she was like maybe i did think of you romantically and everything and like when today she sent me a voice note out of the blue i was smiling like an idiot in front of another dude irl lol. i was just so happy and somehow in my stupid head that was a sign of something yk, that she trusts me with something and wants to send me vn and get one back from me and so on. on the other hand it was honestly just heart breaking when she was telling me in december how she is going on date with different dudes and making out with her ex, wink wink theatre eh. heartbreaking when i saw her tweet in jan about ex, heartbreaking when she admitted to me that she still likes her ex at times, heartbreaking when she was like she was on video call with her ex on her graduation prom, heartbreaking when i saw those songs on her loop list.

it just sucks so much that she is not the wrong person at any point here lol. i just get delusioned everyday with every other message of hers, think yk maybe she wants me when she has never really flirted with me et al. everyday i wake up thinking about her and what i can talk to her about and what reel i might have bookmarked is a perfect fit or anything and idk if she cares really. i get delusioned and then get hurt because she did not live upto what she never promised me lol, ive just been stuck in this loop for so long. that tweet of hers about homoerotic friendship with woman is just me with her, she is making out with some guy and telling me all about it and god i dont know. i had ig somewhere in my heart thought we would go out yk, maybe she will enjoy it, maybe i will see things moving in the right direction. that is not really the case honestly.

i just keep thinking yk wouldnt it be nice to be loved by her. holding hands with her, being intimate with her. i keep thinking about the hug she gave and how warm i felt at that moment lol people around me have gotten in relationships and made out with multiple women lol i can say whatever i want to say but that is obviously something in my head. another thing that does suck is that dating to a relationship rate isnt particularly high, so many factors in that and most probably if there was a romantic thing that would wither out asap and it makes no sense to be stuck on a gurl like that lol. just keep on thinking about a hug lol when she is so much into her ex lol. wdym sometimes i ignore his drunk calls and texts if im busy, i thought your notifications were off man. i just wish after a long day lol, where im just drained out completely and dont wish to talk i could sit by her and just hug or cuddle her or just lay in her lap like the kafka quote. i bet that would feel wonderful. might get greedy and kiss her a bit eh. i dont know man. i wish it was different.

[divinesouldariax]

it doesnt have to hurt more to be love!

it doesnt have to hurt more to be love.

there’s been a lot of very good meta about ashton, taking hits, carrying his friends, carrying heavy things for their friends, doing things that hurt, that make it hurt worse, to protect his friends from pain. because he knows how to carry pain. because they’re used to it. because they know he can keep going. because, because, because it’s what he knows, it’s all he knows.

and it’s true. ashton loves them. ashton is willing to hurt more for them, and it’s because they love their friends.

but, but, but. he shouldnt have to. people with chronic pain shouldnt have to do things that make the pain worse. we might choose to, and that is definitely an act of love, but feeling like they dont have a choice, that taking on more pain, silently, suffering without ever asking for help or saying no, i can’t do that, it hurts too much...

because, listen. for most people, chronic pain is limiting. it says no, we’re not climbing those stairs today. no, we can’t lean down and pick something up off the floor. no, we’re staying in bed with a heating pad and telling our friends sorry, i can’t make it today after all. i know you were looking forward to hanging out, but i can’t do it. maybe there’s some people with chronic pain that never have days bad enough that it limits them, but i’ve never met one.

so when i see ashton, whose friends didn’t figure out that he has chronic pain until they literally felt it in his mind, keep their pain under wraps for over a month, never saying no to carrying something (a heavy statue, fcg up a ladder, orym after he fell, laudna’s dead body for miles), swinging his hammer to defend and protect, literally picking losing battles to see if anybody is watching...to me, that doesn’t read as “look at this strong, empowered person with chronic pain who never lets it limit them”.

to me, that says “this is a person who thinks that love cannot exist without a worsening of pain, who won’t let themself pause or say no or even tell anybody that it hurts because he is deeply, deeply afraid that refusing pain is the same thing as denying his friends love”.

and that’s fucking devastating.

it doesnt have to hurt more to be love.

[dballzposting]

If I were Trunks then when Yamucha visted my house and was lame and nice I would think that he's so cringe and embarrassing and lame but I'd also feel really disturbed at how easygoing he is and nice to me and on some level I would want him to be my dad so that I could hug him and he could be nice to me forever and and I wouldn't know how to handle the presence he has in my mind or the way that I'd want to be physcially close to him and I would read the latter as something deranged and sick and bad and fucked up and irredeemable and intolerable and I wiould be afraid of it so I'd hang back and wait for him to leave and I would convince myself that I hated him so so much and that he was awful and that I felt intruded upon by him and that he's hurt me and that he sucks and is the root of all of my probelms and I would stick close to my mother who ignores me unless I'm working on a machine and my father who ignores me unless I'm fighting him in the gravity chamber but the presence that yamucha left on my mind would linger and stick around like a thorn in my head becasue there's unprocessed and unresolved feelings there but I wouldnt know what to do about it or what it all meant but even thouhg he's gone it would linger and hang over me and i wouldnt be able to eat or sleep or bathe or shit or be aloine or really do anything without feeling intruded upon in some manner and i blame him for all of this but really it has nothing to do with him spoecifllay it's just that he's taken the symbol of the pain that my brain is stuck on but i've decided it's all him and finallyyy after a long while I'm ablwe to msotly get over it and feel at home in my body again but then i find out that there's gonna be some barbecue coming up and Yamucha is going to e staying at Capsule Corp for a WHOLE WEEK and I'd be like NOOOOOOO

and i'd have a massive flare-up of those indescribable sympoms that only I seem to know and I wouldnt sleep or eat for days becasue i dont feel safe enouhg in my body to be present for those intimate sensations of eating and sleeping and i cant train with my father becasue im all locked up and tense and excercising focus makes all the bad stuff come out and it's a good opportunity to express all the frustration but also he's all like "what? have you regressed this much? you fight like you were born yesterday" and that would make me feel soooo bad and well anyway eventually we get to the barbecue and Yamucha shows up and I put off looking at him for a long time but eventually I look at him and I'm struck by how easy it is to look at him and how normal his presence is and how chill he is and how soft his facial expression is and I see him drinking with the adults and I dont want to be a fucking nuisance so i leave but he hangs around in my mind and i start to hate him again but he's there for a whole week and im again feeling the need to cuddle up with him on the couch and feel safe in his arms and affectionate ways of speech but im too afraid to let him talk to me so I hang around corners and walls and stare at him witjh my big blue eyes and TBH this creeps him out and I pick up on these subtle signs of apprehension and I think it means that he hates me and wants me dead and I dont know how to handle that so one day when he's not looking I go up to him and hit him really hard but not too hard because i know im strong so i pull my punch but he's still a middle-aged human man so he goes DOH like homer simpson and half-falls over and it's a really sudden and shocking display but I hold my ground and try to look angry so that no one knows how guilty or afraid i feel but he cringes for a long time before ever attempting to turn to look at me so I just run away and i dont know what to do so I go to a phone and try to call Goten my best buddy Goten and I dial the number and the phone rings and rings and rings and rings and rings and eventually his mother picks up and I ask to speak to Goten and she says that I'd have to try again during visiting hours becasue he is GROUNDED he is SO GROUNDED for always disappearing for a long time and then tracking mud in the house and into his bed and into every corner of the house.

So I hang up and meanwhile unbeknownst to me the adults are having a conversation elsehwere in the house that is going like "Yamucha why are you limping?" "Oh well yeesh yknow haha ... Got into a little play-tussle with your boy and wow he doesnt know his strength. Took me a bit off guard. What're you feeding him?"

So im slinking around the halls in my own damn house shoulders tensed for what's coming and my mother finds me and approaches me and tells me to be more careful with Yamucha becasue he's a fragile older gentlemen. And I don't know about the cover story that Yamucha has spun for me so I think that my mother knows about the ignoble sucker punch that I should probably be taken out back and shot for (per the warrior code) and I can't stand to let her see me cry so I get angry instead and I turn away holding back tears and she's gets all like "Hey. I'm talking to you, Mister. What's with this attitude? I think that you should go apologize to Yamucha." but that sounds like a fate worse than death and it hurts me so much to be defiant against my mother ebcasue all ive ever wanted was her love and attention but she's backed me into a corner and my hands are absolutely tied so i just continue holding back tears with the angriest face i can muster and i hustle away.

So eventually the week is up and Yamucha goes home and we're gathered to say our farewells and i dont look at him becasue i havent gone near him since i hit him earlier in the week so i sort of hide behind my mother and i dont look at him but i still really want the pain in me assuaged and i crave the comfrot of forgiveness and safety so i do look up a little bit to see if he's looking at me but he's not he's not looking at me at all his kind eyes are turned away from me and I don't know that it's becasue he's repsecting my body langauge and avoiding contact with me becasue i was avoiding him first, I think it's becasue he hates me and wants me dead.

So I go to the phone and try to call Goten again but in his timezone it's fully nighttime and he's gone to bed already and I don't know what to do and I'm too afraid of my feelings to be alone with them so I hide in my room and play video games on my computer for hours until I pass out on the keyboartd

iiin-DEED your mom gavemea

great deal

on

THis old 

Cruiser

[polyamorouscultureis]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Wow, this is a lot. I'm sorry you've been through this.

From your original question, being a "bad communicator" when you're angry suggested to me that you're the kind of person who needs space to collect their thoughts before being able to have a mature conversation, which is perfectly fine - I'm like that too!

But given this story you followed up with, sounds like the instance you are talking about where you didnt tell him what was wrong was long after these mismatched expectations had been established. You told him you wanted more than FWB, and he didnt want to move beyond something casual. You both were going through really hard periods of your life. It's possible that subconsciously, you didnt feel safe speaking candidly to him yet, considering your past with abusive men.

However, considering the aftermath of all that, I do think you dodged a bullet with him. You said you told him everything you were having issues with (even if emotional, you still told him, which is good!) and his response was to turn to name calling and vagueposting on Twitter? That does not point to a communication problem on your end.

At the end of the day, I do think it's best to block him and move on. What do you get out of that relationship? I know it's hard to know people are upset with you, but given what you told me I think you both need space from each other.

Best of luck to you anon ❤

[ferraii2]

im bored...

1. stats:

H: 164cm, hw: 53kg?, cw: 50kg, gw1: 48kg, gw2: 45kg, ugw: 42kg

2. height and do i like it?

164cm. im happy with my height but not my bone structure. it doesnt fit me well.

3. fav thinspo and why

her arms, legs, upper body... shes so tiny.

4. greatest fear about weightloss

eventually gaining back all the weight ive lost.

5. why do i wanna lose weight?

because i think im ugly. i feel like if i lose weight, i'll atleast have something about me that is beautiful and/or desireable.

6. do i binge? if so, why?

binge as in emotional eating? no, i dont, luckily.

7. do my parents know that im tryna lose weight? do they care?

they dont know but even if they did, i dont think they'd have a problem with it or prevent me from working out and losing weight. but when it comes to eating less, they, especially my mom, will definitely not leave me alone.

8. my workout routine

unfortunately, i dont workout regularly. i only do it when i feel like i overate, but then also only a little, light workout from youtube.

9. did anyone ever comment my weight negatively?

yeah, many times by nearly everyone. especially my sister as she has an eating disorder along with anger-issues. she always used to attack me for my weight when i was a (chubby) kid (keep in mind she is 12yrs elder than me).

10. the hardest thing i gave up during weightloss?

nothing until now!

11. my fav thinspo blog and why?

my own blog which got deleted a few days ago lol. it was my fav thinspo blog obviously cause i reblogged everything that i liked the most.

12. what do i normally eat?

i eat whatever i want as long as its below my calorie limit. that includes fast food, anything my mom cooks, proteins, etc

13. am i losing weight in a healthy or an unhealthy way?

healthy i believe. i mean, i allow myself to go up to 1100 calories a day, sometimes even 1200. i dont starve because i know that it has no benefit whatsoever.

14. whats my ugw and when do i expect to reach it?

my ugw is 42kg, thats a total weightloss of 8kg. i wish to lose it by march, basically in about 2⅔ months.

15. am i a vegan/vegetarian and would i consider becoming one?

no, not for weightloss purposes nor moral reasons. meat and milk products contain a lot of vitamins which i wouldnt want to give up!

16. when did i first decided to lose weight?

when i was 12. and i did lose weight succesfully (from 53kg to 46-47kg)

17. do i have an eating disorder?

luckily i dont.

18. what food is my weakness?

easy, cheese cake... i could eat a whole cake on my own.

19. when was the last time i ate fast food?

today, actually. i only ate sweets today.

20. fav diet?

eating-below-1100cals-and-work-out

21. what are my clothing sizes?

european sizes: my pants are 36 and my clothes also 36 i believe, not sure.

22. what was my lowest weight and how and why did i gain?

my lowest was about 47kg 3yrs ago. i gained due to puberty/growth and food, obviously.

23. did media play a role in wanting to lose weight?

i dont think so, atleast not consciously. i barely know any celebrities and all the women i see on the internet are thicc.

24. how do i feel about the term "proana/mia"?

"pro" is definitely disturbing to me. its like saying "pro suicide".

25. have i ever purged?

nope.

26. what excites me most about reaching my ugw?

wearing smaller sized clothes, having sticky legs that dont touch, constantly looking delicate, being treated more nicely, being taken care of, no insults on my weight by anyone ever again, jealous looks of other girls, not feeling ashamed to undress in front of somebody else, not being scared to get intimate with somebody, etc etc...

27. how do i deal with being around food?

when im really hungry or have high appetite, i'll probably eat some of it. if i dont, i just ignore the food.

28. do i want a thigh gap and why?

i do, because i find it aesthetically pleasing.

29. my definition of beauty?

a kind, honest, polite and respectful nature.

30. ten facts about me:

i'm 16 years old.

i am practically religious (muslim).

i developed an obsession for mukbangs over the past few years.

im extremely shy and awkward in real life.

i love animals but im afraid of them in real life (literally every animal... even birds or cats).

i cant eat meat off of the bone (e.g. drumsticks). it just disgusts me.

i actively try to improve my character.

i have a naturally athletic and fit body.

i live in germany.

im addicted to chocolate and other sweets, i need them nearly every day

if you actually read all of this, ily and wish you all the best 😙

[randombubblegum]

I saw an ask on another popular bandom blog that was basically having this discussion abt pete wentz lol but I think there are a lot of men who are probably bisexual but bc they are also capable of being attracted to women they’re able to ignore or downplay that attraction to men even to themselves, and they end up having very close, emotionally intense friendships with men while not being able to recognize that their feelings are romantic. part of this is also due 2 societal misogyny bc men are taught to view women as trophies and/or sex objects rather than full partners so these men will get their emotional fulfillment from male friends while basicslly treating their gfs badly bc they’re not really taught to see women as people, but also aren’t really able to recognize romantic feelings for men bc it ‘feels different’ bc they’ve been taught that romance is a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and can’t picture that with a man. anyway I feel like literally half of the early FBR/pop punk scene men are exactly like that lol. internalized homophobia is fucked up!

so this is all absolutely true BUT: i want to draw a distinction between being bi and repressing it in like 2005, and being bi and repressing it in 2022. literally the public opinion has changed so much on being queer its like 2 separate worlds entirely.

as for pete wentz i dont think its rly even a question that hes bi and was attracted to men and had deep intimate platonic relationships w them in the 2000s. but i also dont think it would have been okay for him to explore them even on the dl….. like he wouldnt get hatecrimed necessarily but it would have branded fall out boy “the gay band” until the end of time in an era when they were already getting such homophobic vitriol from the mainstream press for the crime of pete wearing girl jeans and eyeliner. i also think pete really did and does love the women he dated and married!!! he was so clearly infatuated w them and (when he was younger) passionate abt them to the point of volatility and emotional turmoil. i mean he wasnt free from the early 2000s cultural misogyny but he was by no means a terrible offender. esp coming up in punk and then leading the pop punk scene. but i 10000% think that if pete was born and this all happened 20 years later he could be honest abt being bi, could be honest abt the relationships he had with men (bc i know that he did) without having to use plausible deniability straightness as a shield

awsten is…… a different case. i think at their core the issues they went thru are similar, esp being exposed to homophobia constantly for all their youth bc texas is a hellscape and awstens always been somewhat effeminate, but im not rly convinced awsten feels deep emotion for most of the girls he dates?? i think ciara was the one exception. i think hes intentionally or unintentionally echoing old values of a “hot gf” affirming your masculinity or status or straightness because its what he grew up in and was too scared to ever challenge. i rly think getting called gay slurs growing up for being feminine and pretty and small fucked him up so bad he could NEVER actually tap into the part of himself that actually did like men… it probably felt like a death wish and maybe still does? so he just finds girls to date who are pretty and desirable to other men and convinces himself he feels something deep for them until he cant anymore

but yeah internalized homophobia IS fucked up. i think los angeles in 2022 is a weird place to keep buckling down on it tho…… like…. talk about it in therapy girl

[nsaint1]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Hey ♡

anyone cursing at you is a MAJOR red flag. A man who cares about you is going to be patient even when he does not want to be. I almost got dragged into a similar situation like this literally last week. Please assess the situation! If a man just got out of a relationship, they are most likely not going to be looking for anyone serious. They are just looking for someone that they can freely use their body (that is what it is). They will try to lie and manipulate you so that you won't say no or get involved and it is too late.

I was going on a rant about this literally two days ago. These grown men act like they can't communicate and say what they want because they want to try to take advantage, it's pathetic and sad. He manipulated you and decided not to be upfront. "Going through stuff" does not give someone the excuse to treat other people like trash and lie. Nonetheless, It happened and now it's time to move on. At least you know that is not what you want for yourself.

To answer your questions no, you are not being selfish, you don't owe him anything, he misused your trust. There is nothing you can really do with moving on from this, just know that time heals, and every day you will start to care less. If I were you I would block him back like yesterday.

[writethatdown]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

hello anon, i apologize for getting back at my asks very late. first of all a reminder that i'm in no way a professional at giving advice, this is me, as a friend voicing my opinion on your situation. i hope you heal and find clarity real soon ♡

being angry is often seen as unhealthy or bad, but it is just our emotions telling us something is unpleasant. there is nothing wrong with feeling anger. however you can always find healthy ways to direct the emotion like: workout, meditation, tapping exercises etc.

directing our anger at an external factor often leads to having a victim mentality. so focus on what you can control and cultivate patience to let time give you the clarity you crave.

communication is necessary in any human relationship. especially when you are romantically involved with a person. but remember effective communication is achieved through practice. it's very much like any other skill. for most people communication is far from their comfort zones but believe me good communication makes things a lot easier.

i hear you. it must be really hard to be in your position atm. but people are out of our area of control. so my advice for you is to stay out of anything which doesn't give you clarity. when we say what's meant to be will find you, it usually means: people. because we just can't change them for our will. we can only induce a motivation for the change.

and i want to remind you to not feel guilty for feeling a certain way, love. people make mistakes. the important part is to recognize and work on them regularly.

also, it's normal to react out of feelings, because at the end of the day we are just humans wanting to be seen and heard. so i want you to listen to yourself rn and see what you crave and the place where it's coming from. most of the time the answer lies somewhere inside us.

last but not the least, patience and time will treat you right, i promise. stay safe love. i'm sending a big hug your way ♡♡

___________________

a little life update: my offline classes at uni started and i've been stuck with this new routine with no time to invest in social apps atm. i will be answering other asks soon! hope you all have been safe!!

[depression-culture-is]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Hi, dear. I can definitely see why you'd be upset! I honestly think you handled the situation well - you communicated your feelings with him and you apologised for your behaviour when you realised you were in the wrong, and from what I've heard, he had a lot to apologise for that he chose not to as well. It isn't your fault, so don't beat yourself up over it.

If blocking him helps you to move on, you do that. He's chosen not to forgive you, and that is completely fine as well, but it means that the chances of you having a decent relationship with him at this point are slim. There's nothing more you can do.

Sounds like he wouldn't have been the best of partners for you anyways, if I'm being honest. Regardless of your behaviour, calling you selfish for speaking up about the abuse you went through is never okay. Take your time and find someone who's going to treat you with respect at all times, even when things are hard (though that goes both ways).

That's not to say you aren't allowed to show that you're angry. It's more that you shouldn't take jabs at personal things (things they can't control) when you're upset.

When you feel yourself getting angry, particularly if you say hurtful things during those moments, take a time out, grab a drink of water and then address the issue when you're level headed again. I know this can be hard, but it truly is easier than making things worse because you've said something in the heat of the moment that you don't mean.

I don't have much advice other than that, sorry. I hope things get easier!

-Milo

[dracoswolfbloodclan]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Honestly it sounds like he was gaslighting you, you do deserve to be loved and I would want to get a restraining order against him and block him everywhere, but the first option can be pretty expensive depending upon your general location (i.e country, state, province) or laws. But definitely block, he's not worth the time and effort you deserve so much more better than him. Plus, what he was/ is personally going through doesn't give him a "I can do what I want and stay out of jail for free card", he deserves to be held accountable for his own actions.

I am also very guilty of being a horrible communicator when I'm angry as well. For the past few months or so, maybe for the first half of this year, I would work on breathing exercises for me to calm down or I would put music on until I calmed down enough to detect the source of my anger and then try to talk about it with the person. Eventually once I calmed down enough I apologised to the people who were affected and everything was chill. As for the guilt part, I would usually send them something related to what the person in question liked (like marvel fanarts or minecart "hacks") and then we'd go on from there. Personally when I do feel extremely guilty I have hard time with overdoing my apologies and I will never stop apologizing until they tell me to stop. (Also sorry if this fragment wasn't very helpful I got a little distracted while typing this-)

But yeah you definitely dodged a bullet with this one. You aren't selfish, I would like to recommend maybe picking up a time consuming hobby or exploring a newer side of music, like writing or songwriting. Honestly if some men are going to act like toddlers then they deserve to be treated as such, and that's insulting to every toddler ever.

Translation: He's an asshole, block him back ma'am.

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[quirklessidiot]

In minazuki if the relationship between gojo and y/n was still indifference towards each other and nanami came along and asked the question again of her coming with him would she say yes in that case?

nope :") they'd kinda turn to wanted individuals even if satoru was still indifferent to her. i dont think she'd ever risk kento's life :") 

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫. What would have happened if nanami appeared earlier in minazuki? Would y/n gravitate more towards him or keep her distance to not cause suspicions? Would she go to nanami for comfort if she could do it discreetly?

He'd visit her regularly still! i dont think satoru would mind at that time as well :") i dont think he’d even notice lmao HAHAHA

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫. Rereading ch 10 and did gojo have thoughts like nanami and yn got intimate? Physically? This is when he thought nanami was the one who loved her and dropped by their house to give the present

he actually thought nanami was a lover or smthng (it turns out the box design and everything was just a tribute to yu because yu would get y/n something like that when they were younger as a way to secretly professed that he liked her more than he let on)

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫. Was y/n using yu? Even subconsciously doing it?

I wouldnt say use (in a way to get through her goal which was to have that marriage with satoru) tho because their were moments where she could have used the kohai-senpai relationship yu and satoru had but chose not to! but idk if staying in his life despite the danger she had with her could be counted as using? 

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫. Who would she fall in love faster gojo or haibara? Would she feel more at ease with gojo and there by fall in love faster if he was nice to her during the wedding?

haibara takes the cake on this one sorry, idk y/n was at a difficult time when she was 16, unsure and unsteady stuff on who her husband would be, her grandma just dying... yu was there when literally no one was.

i mean sure she and satoru do have chemistry now but thats because they were forced to work on that lets be honest (if y/n ended up in someone elses arms, satoru would still be ignorant to the system and wouldnt care about what tf was going on with the women) minazuki doesnt sort of in line with the fated lovers type of storyline, its anything but a fated love. its just two people finding each other at a certain point in time and ig thats what makes them unique in my perspective 

𝔄𝔫𝔬𝔫. Rereading ch 10 and one of your fics implies you read aot so I’m just reading and crying over the scene with nanami and her before he goes away for good and I’m just screaming call your name in my head

🎵I’m standing alone, no way🎵

Looking up the lyrics i always thought it was I’m standing alone in the rain and i thought it would fit so perfectly in that scene between yn and nanami😝

ah but theyre not lovers tho :(( very platonic friendship im so sorry :((( (honestly i feel like it would fit yu and y/n moreheheh)