#and i will just bring up concepts or thought tangents from months or years ago as if like

[duskerot]

bro sometimes my brain really is slow as fuck i just was thinking about something to add to an old conversation i had with someone and i went back to find it and it happened in JUNE LAST YEAR

[theacademicaesthete]

Creation, Creativity: The Roots of Life?

Creativity? What does it really mean? What does it represent? And what is the difference between creative and non creative thoughts?

I found initially that it is the combination of imagination, creativity, empathy and innovation that results in ‘value creation’. I quote, ‘Creation is the act of turning new and imaginative ideas into reality. Creativity is characterised by the ability to perceive the world in new ways, to find hidden patterns, to make connections between seemingly unrelated phenomena, and to generate solutions. Creativity involves two process: thinking, then producing. If you have ideas but don’t act on them, you are imaginative, but not creative’. This last statement hit some notes with me, my debate between thinking and doing, by the rules of this definition I’m being imaginative with all these ideas and concepts floating around in that complex brain of mine, but in order to be ‘creative’ I need to reach process stage 2 - creating.

Personally, I believe the processes of creativity are far from that simple, it’s a complex concept, so I looked further and found a definition, I felt, was more suitable. Rolle May, who wrote “The Courage to Create” wrote that ‘Creativity is the process of bringing something new into being. it requires passion and commitment. Bringing to our awareness, what was previously hidden and points to new life. The experience is one of heightened consciousness: ecstasy”. Perhaps this is why so many artists works are interlinked to our subconscious, our dreams (check out the theories of Sigmund Freud). This idea that creation, bringing something from thoughts into reality arouses a feeling of ecstasy resonates with art and how artists feel when they’ve spent weeks, months or sometimes even years on a piece of work. Even if it is badly received by the intended audience, just knowing that it was you who bought this new thing into being, is incredible.

Art in whatever form you may prefer it, is euphoric and not necessarily always in a positive sense. Art makes people feel, you may hate that painting of a flower on the gallery wall, you may be bored stifles looking at it, you may think it’s not worthy of being called ‘art’. But heres the thing, it is art because you still felt, a feeling of distaste but nonetheless the piece of work still communicated and resonated with something inside you. To a different individual that painting might remind them of the flowers their late husband bought for them their entire lives they were together. Your likely to see this person, standing in the gallery, weeping at the image. Art, or certainly the perception of it is subjective, existing in the mind; belonging to the thinking subject rather than to the object of thought. Eye of the beholder and all that.

Art and creative pieces are made to make the audience feel, think and react (unless its made for the indulgence of the artist, for the artist only- this is a whole other thing). This idea of art and subjective emotion,  can sort of explain my fascination with old photographs, it resonates with my interest in people, humanity and memory. The images I salvage, study and reappropriate tap into something within my retrospective, episodic, semantic and shared memory. It makes me feel, I look at those photographs and feel an emotion, I feel my own last experiences, I remember stories told by others and connect up the dots. Through my work perhaps I am trying to discover what that emotion is? Whatever it is, they make me feel, really feel, they are to me insights into lives past lived and the expressions/voice of untold stories. They are in my subjective opinion, a form of art.

There are a million different ways we could define ‘art’ but the official version is this - ‘art is the expression or application of human skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or power’. Just have a little think about some of the words within that definition, expression, humanity, creation, power, aesthetic beauty - now think about the beauty of the painting on your wall, or the power of the book that had you crying as you turned each page. Art and emotion are infinitely interlinked. Imagine if the arts were as I discussed in my last post entirely depleted, under appreciated and forgotten - what would we be left with? - A world of nothing?

I want to end this blog with asking you a question, if you could choose just one moment or experience from your past that made you feel human, what would it be? This is not necessarily directly linked to art, but perhaps to the origins of art, the root of artists ideas and practice. Where do we create from, what moments and memories do we draw from to reimagine and create? Try not to think of something that cost you a lot of money, and certainly not something materialistic but a ‘moment’ that really made you feel alive.

Creativity is, after all, partly defined as ‘perceiving’ the world in a new way, each new experience or old experiences, repeated or altered causes emotion, feeling, a reaction, it is what makes us human, it makes us alive. Every one of us perceives the world differently and whats more one day to the next is never the same, never identical. Our life, each day, is full with creativity even if we don’t realise or express it. The concept of ‘creation’ has its roots as deep as the formation of earth, around 4.54 billion years ago. Earth was formed by accretion by the solar nebula - the volcanic outgassing probably created the primordial atmosphere and the ocean. The bible believes that the earth was created in seven days, the act of one god, with a single son to protect it. There are even people who define themselves as Earth creationists. I know its a far fetched tangent but its the idea that without ‘creation’ the Earth wouldn’t be what it is, we would not have the wonder of life. Without art and creatives, what would the world be?

[girlwiththegreenhat]

thoughts on ur favorite drink? ur favorite art program? thoughts on keeping a sketchbook? on any pets you have?

HELL yeah thanks for the ask i hope u like tangents on tangents and run on sentences because just like my blog description says, I Do Not Shut Up!

favorite type of drink: crystal pepsi

every fucking year i email the Bepsi company and ask when this god damn drink is coming back. last year? literally spent almost all of 2019 moving house, and i got no crystal pepsi anywhere in that time. now it’s 2020. there’s a plague. and the world is burning. and there’s still no fucking crystal pepsi. the moral of the story here is, as soon as pepsi brings back The Good Shit, everything can be nice again. i am .3 seconds away from breaking into pepsi HQ in the midst of this Rioting Chaos just to steal the Crystal Pepsi recipe from their fat stupid noses and start making it myself. I will market it as... Creestöl Bepsi.

oh wait im supposed to talk about the drink, right, shit’s good yo. you know how all clear sodas taste vaguely the same? they all taste like Clear Drink? this is like Clear Drink in it’s purest form. it is the Clearest Drink. with the most Clearest Drink taste. and thanks to it’s (formerly) limited annual runs at the end of summer it literally tastes like nostalgia. I have left the house like twice in the last three months but if they brought back crystal pepsi i would march out of my house like its on fire (wearing a mask of course) and buy every fucking bottle i could find, life savings be damned

so anyway yeah crystal pepsi’s good i guess

favorite art program: begrudgingly, photoshop

adobe may be a greedy bitch baby company who doesnt actually let you buy their software outright but damn,,, photoshop Nice,,, hehehehe,,, i can do so Much with it it’s such a multitool of a program,,, i just upgraded to the 2020 version in february and there’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more brushes than there were in the 2014 version, and most of them are actually really useful!! i’m living for this guy’s brushes, uh, kyle?? yeah, kyle t. webster. now THAT guy knows how to make some brushes. i’ve been using the same ones for like six years but he’s got this GORGEOUS lineart brush i’ve been using and dear god i love it too much to ever go back. I Will Never Go Back. AND I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT LIKE, BLEND BRUSHES?? there are ones that perfectly emulate real pencils thanks to how photoshop handles brushes, it even wears out and widens with use (you can choose how fast...) and you can TILT your STYLUS to USE THE BROADER SIDE OF THE “LEAD”??? LIKE?? A REAL PENCIL???? still blows my mind,, photoshop’s brush engine is fucking amazing,,

Thoughts on keeping a sketchbook?

sketchbooks are great and i envy people who have those really nice, blank-page sketchbooks with the little rounded corners on each page? and they always fill them with studies and life drawings,,, its so Aesthetic,,,

meanwhile im adamant for some damn reason to do most of my drawings on lined paper still. not the serious ones, but if im doodling, or just doing a sketch i intend to finish in photoshop? composition notebook. i have Dozens of Actual sketchbooks, but those are so nice... i don’t want to fill them with stupid meme drawings and things i wont finish and things i draw Badly and things that i Will finish but not There. i’m glad im not going to college cuz i always hear “oh you have to submit your sketchbooks” im like haha What cuz my sketchbooks,,,, are probably some of the most unprofessional, badly organized, unfinished messes out there,,, like i do studies but it’s all on lined notebook paper and half-destroyed composition notebooks because at the end of 8th grade everyone was throwing out their unused or slightly used school supplies and there was a WHOLE RECYCLING BIN FULL OF COMPOSITION NOTEBOOKS?? MOST OF WHICH ONLY HAD THE FIRST LIKE 15 PAGES FILLED OUT IF THAT???? SO I JUST KINDA. RAIDED IT?? i havent bought lined paper in 8 years and all the school supplies i looted out of the garbage that day carried me all the way through high school. i bought maybe one notebook in highschool, that was it. i think i literally trash picked a lifetime of lined paper,,,

,,, anyway i have a Nice Sketchbook (no lined paper!) ive been toting around since sophomore year of high school. it’s still got printouts taped to it from supernatural and doctor who and black rock shooter. this was seven years ago, i still use it when i want to use Nice Paper, and only now am i approaching the last pages. i also have a separate sketchbook i decided to start using for concept art and sketches for my webcomic i will never actually start working on! that one’s about as professional as i get, it’s full of robot designs and sketches of scenes. its fun.

i am not a real artist aslkdfkljdfskjldsfkjl

Thoughts on any pets you have?

i love me pets! they are not my pets they are my parents pets but i take care of them more so who cares. i love them. i love all three doggos even if Gigi is an old lazy fart that doesn’t care about anything that isn’t sleeping, food, going outside, or bellyrubs. she doesn’t even listen to you if you call her or tell her to do something. i dont know what her deal is. and gemma!! is a depressed muppet. she’s probably just getting old herself even though she’s only,,, seven. we got a third dog and she never got over it. she is still my favorite though, she’s adorable and i love her little under bite and her big goofy eyes that don’t have a single thought or braincell behind them. she floofy and snuggley and a big ol scardey cat who always comes into my room for hours when there’s a Loud Sound outside which is great because i cant sleep when something else is alive in my room and its not me but whatever i cant say no to her, especially now that we’re both on the same floor and i would probably take a bullet for this funky lil fuzzball.

speaking of the third dog that is kiwi i post more pictures of her than anyone else for some reason but she’s a cute lil goblin. i mean what is this thing. what is it!! im not even entirely convinced its a dog, i think its a weird lil alien that knows what a dog looks like and that’s it

what is this thing!! dont know!! she’s plotting though!! i have never seen Thoughts happening in a dogs head before but she Knowes Things. she learned how to slap the other dogs. 80% of the time if you point a phone at her she stops moving because she somehow understands the concept of a “Camera.” she’s a little chaos bagel. a chaos bagel with a critical case of The Zoomies and a burning hatred of feet

we also have a budgie named olive. he’s pretty, but quiet

[demifiendrsa]

The Walking Dead comic book series ends with issue #193.

Robert Kirkman’s letter to fans with spoilers for the final issue omitted:

"This is the end of The Walking Dead.

"That's it... it's over... we're done.

"I'm sure you have a million questions... and I'm sure you feel as emotional about this as we do... if not more so. I'm completely willing to bet some of you are angry over this. I get it... I do. I mean... WHY didn't we announce this so that fans would have some time to prepare?

"Well... personally... I hate knowing what's coming. As a fan, I hate it when I realize I'm in the third act of a movie and the story is winding down. I hate that I can count commercial breaks and know I’m nearing the end of a TV show. I hate that you can FEEL when you’re getting to the end of a book, or a graphic novel.

"Some of the BEST episodes of Game of Thrones are when they’re structured in such a way and paced to perfection so your brain can’t tell if it’s been watching for 15 minutes or 50 minutes... and when the end comes... you’re STUNNED.

"I love LONG movies for that very reason. You lose track of time because you went in convinced that you’re going to be there for a long time, but the story moves at such an entertaining and engaging pace that by the time the movie’s wrapping up... you can’t believe it’s already over. SURPRISE, it’s over!

"All I’ve ever done, all a creator can really do... is tailor-make stories to entertain themselves, and hope the audience feels the same way. That’s all I’ve ever been doing... and it seems to work most of the time.

"THE WALKING DEAD has always been built on surprise. Not knowing what’s going to happen when you turn the page, who’s going to die, how they’re going to die... it’s been ESSENTIAL to the success of this series. It’s been the lifeblood that’s been keeping it going all these years, keeping people engaged.

"It just felt WRONG and against the very nature of this series not to make the actual end as surprising as all the big deaths... from Shane all the way to Rick.

"To be honest... it seemed like a really good idea at the time, but now that we’re here and the series is over, I’m having second thoughts. Not so much so that I’m changing course... that would be kind of impossible to do anyway. But... it’s possible, as much as I hate to admit it, that I’m genuinely feeling a sense of regret over this whole crazy plan.

"I want you to see what went into this though, I want you to understand why, if that’s possible. I feel like you all deserve at least that. So let’s pull the curtain back in a way... well, I usually try not to do. When it comes to the end of this series... here’s how the sausage got made.

"Way back in early 2015, Charlie Adlard turned in the cover for issue #142. He had taken my direction, of showing happy people at the Alexandria fair, the booths, the commerce... a very civilized scene, and he’d worked wonders with the concept. It was a cover unlike anything that had come before. To me, it was a real turning point for this series.

"The thing is... this was over four years ago at this point... but I knew pretty much every big story point that was going to happen all the way up to this final issue. A couple years prior, around 2013 or so, I’d even told Charlie at San Diego Comic-Con what the gist of this final issue was. [...] I just didn’t know exactly what issue that story would fall in. I knew the end... but I didn’t know where it would fall. I figured... somewhere past issue #300. As I’ve said publicly... I’ve always wanted to reach that number, that big, round Cerebus number that all the insane indy comics creators try to chase.

"But when I saw the cover to #142... it dawned on me. 'Oh, s***... we’re already at the fair! The Commonwealth is just around the corner... and... oh, man... there’s no WAY I’m going to make it to issue #300.' It was the first time I realized that I just didn’t have enough story worked out to get there. I didn’t know exactly how long we’d fight the Whisperers or how long we’d be spending in the Commonwealth before Rick would bring about his own demise... but I knew the whole run wouldn’t be another 150 issues.

"I started working things out... trying to figure out how long things would run... and it dawned on me... I had about 50 issues until I got to my planned end. I always have to keep collections in mind. Now that we do 48-issue compendiums (that are very popular, our most popular format), it would be really irresponsible to wrap this series up in a way that resulted in compendium readers having to buy a different format to finish the series. So I was happy that it appeared things would work out where this series would wrap up nicely in the fourth compendium.

"But I wasn’t quite sure it was time to wrap things up.

"I love writing this series. It’s been my life’s dream. So when I first came to this realization... my first instinct was, 'Well, I just need to come up with more story'. I even spent a few weeks trying to come up with new plot, new story detours to push the ending I had in mind back and keep things going... for a while, possibly even a long while... an extra compendium, maybe two.

"And... again, pulling the curtain back... this has happened before. I’d already abandoned one planned ending to keep the series going. Yep... that’s an exclusive I’ve never revealed anywhere.

"Let’s go off on a tangent for a moment. When the story got to Alexandria in issue #72, things were going to go pretty much as they did; Rick and his crew were going to have trouble fitting in because of everything they’d been through. That would lead to conflict within Alexandria, and it would eventually lead to Rick taking over. The big storyline NO WAY OUT ended with Rick proclaiming that Alexandria was a place worth fighting for, that they could no longer keep moving from place to place... they had to take a stand, lay down roots and start building from there. Their nomad days were behind them.

"Well, for years... that had been planned to be... the end. Rick would make his proclamation, and the speech would end with a big close-up on Rick’s face, you’d turn the page, and Rick’s face would be the same, only it was a statue... and you’d zoom out and see the full statue with some vines growing on the bottom of it... cracks forming... and you’d realize that it was quite OLD.

"We’d keep zooming out until we saw that the statue was in Alexandria, the same place where he gave the speech, but it was different. It was old and rundown, broken windows and missing doors. We would keep zooming out until a zombie walked by, then another... and we’d see that Rick had brought them to Alexandria, given this grand speech about rebuilding civilization and SUCCEEDED to the point that they built a statue to honor him... but in the end, the dead won, society crumbled again, this time seemingly for good... and that was it.

"It was a TERRIBLE ending. Bleak, sad... made the whole story pointless. What can I say... I was young and most of the endings I wrote or came up with way back then... were pretty bleak. So that ending... in hindsight was embarrassingly bad, but more than that, I wasn’t ready to end this series. Not by a long shot.

"You have to understand, when I started writing this series, I had no clue I’d make it to issue #12. So the thought of having a book that ran 100 issues was insane. So when this book really took off in its second year, I was able to make far reaching plans for the future, but even at that point, a 100-issue run still seemed impossible.

"So when I found myself staring down the barrel of a completed 100-issue series, I just wasn’t ready to let go. I was having too much fun. Think about how things would have gone if I’d wrapped things up then... no Negan, no Ezekiel, no All Out War, no time jump, no Magna, no Whisperers, no Commonwealth, no Princess... and a really crummy ending to boot.

"To top it off... shortly after I scrapped that planned ending and decided to keep going, I came up with pretty much the exact ending of this issue, which I felt was much more fitting and rewarding.

"I’m glad I made the decision I did back then. I have no regrets.

"This time though, things were very different. As I worked to come up with ways to expand the story, none of it felt right. Everything felt like an unnecessary detour... it was, for lack of a better word, filler. The harder I tried to come up with new places to go, the clearer it was to me that this is what this story needed... it needed to end.

"So like I said... it seemed like a good idea at the time. FOUR YEARS ago this plan seemed rock solid. Never tell anyone, keep it secret, and even go as far as soliciting fake issues that will never exist so that we can really surprise people. Oh, man... I thought this was going to be great.

"I worked it out with Charlie right away. He’d always been pushing to end on a high note. He was with me, all the way, as long as I didn’t run this series into the ground. Charlie just wanted to make this book special. If I had a solid plan for 300 issues, he’d have made it happen, but if I started turning in stories Charlie thought were lame... I would have heard about it and he’d have convinced me to end the series. So when we talked about the plan, Charlie was excited, his fear of us overstaying our welcome and keeping this book going well past its popularity were quelled.

"I’ll say it again, I love (loved... oh, god, I’m not ready for past tense) writing this series. I really don’t want it to end. In fact, I’ve been... kind of unsettled since I wrote the script for this issue. The whole thing just feels... weird.

"In a way, killing this series has been a lot like killing a major character. Much, much harder... but the same feeling. I don’t WANT to do it. I’d rather keep going... but the story is telling me what it wants and what it needs. This needs to happen. Whether I want it or not.

"It just feels right... while also feeling... terrible.

"The main point of all this is... well, I’m scared. Most of my professional life has been spent on this series. Countless hours are dedicated to this, month in and month out. More than anything in the last 16 years... this is going to fundamentally change my life. So I’m terrified.

"When my fingers typed out “THE END” on the keyboard as I finished this script... I thought I’d feel relief, or some sliver of pride in a job well done, but it was really just... dread. I wasn’t ready for it to be over... but it was.

"It is.

"Oddly, as unsure as I feel about ending the story, I feel confident in how I ended it. [...]

"I hope it makes you happy, too. Even if you’re upset at not getting to spend time in this world anymore.

"I’m upset, too. I’m going to miss it as much as you will, if not more so. It breaks my heart that I had to end it, and we have to move on... but I just love this world too much to stretch things out until it doesn’t live up to what I want it to be.

"I hope you understand.

"I hope you, dear reader, know how much I appreciate the gift you have given me. I got to tell my story exactly how I wanted to, for 193 issues, and end it on my terms, with no interference at all along the way... at any point. That’s such a rare thing, and it doesn’t exist without the unyielding support this series got from readers like you. Thank you so much.

"Thank you, Tony Moore, for drawing the first six issues. Thank you, Cliff Rathburn, for countless hours spent shaping black and white art with gray tones. Thank you, Rus Wooton, for turning my words into art month after month. Thank you, Stefano Gaudiano, for shaping Charlie’s pencils for nearly 100 issues. Thank you, Aubrey Sitterson and Sina Grace, for your time keeping this insanity in check. Thank you, Sean Mackiewicz, for seeing this project all the way to the end, despite thinking each compendium would be your last... and, y’know, doing a great job along the way. Thank you, Arielle Basich, for keeping Sean sane and doing the heavy lifting. Thank you, Andres Juarez, for keeping this book looking fresh after being on the shelf for over a decade. Thank you, Carina Taylor, for doing your part to do the same. Thank you, Dave Stewart, for making Charlie’s art pop on comic shelves the world over. Thank you, Dave McCaig, for you know what. Thank you, Ryan Ottley, for that amazing art in issue #75 that may never get collected. Thank you, Cory Walker, for your wise council before I even started this series. Thank you, Jim Valentino, for so many things, including saying, “Change the title so you can own it.” Thank you, Shawn Kirkham, for always having an ear to the ground for what this world needs. Thank you to the team at Skybound, who work tirelessly to bring you everything THE WALKING DEAD you could ever want and more. Thank you, Erik Larsen, for the undying support, even to this day. Thank you, Eric Stephenson, for the years of strategy sessions that made this series a continued success. Thank you to the evolving staff at Image Comics that was invaluable over the last decade and a half... especially the accounting department. Thank you, David Alpert, for your part in turning this into a truly worldwide, multimedia phenomenon, and all that came with it and somehow so much more than that. Thank you, Shep Rosenman and Lee Rosenbaum, for crossing the Ts and dotting the Is so I can keep all my Ts and not lose my Is. Thank you, Chris Simonian, for going to war and winning. Thank you, Allen Grodsky, for going to war and winning. Thank you, John Campisi and the team at CAA, for continuing the fight. Thank you, Frank Darabont, for going into House of Secrets in Burbank and saying, 'This one.' Thank you, Gale Anne Hurd, for helping turn “this one” into something real. Thank you, Charles H. Eglee, for being the original showrunner and setting us up for success. Thank you, Jack LoGiudice, for making me feel welcome in the writer’s room on day one... by being mean to me in the most entertaining ways. Thank you, Glen Mazzara, for keeping the fire warm. Thank you, Scott Gimple, for taking the show to new heights and for caring enough to say, 'No spoilers, dear God, no more spoilers.' Thank you, Angela Kang, for the future and beyond. Thank you, Greg Nicotero, for making the zombies (er, walkers) REAL. Thank you, Chris Hardwick, for telling the world every week that there’s a comic book worth checking out. Thank you to the ten thousand people who work on the now FOUR TV shows based on THE WALKING DEAD for pouring their hearts into this and loving this world as much if not more than I do.

"But most of all, thank you, Charlie Adlard, for sitting at the table, day in and day out, and devoting more hours to THE WALKING DEAD than anyone. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. It’s been a dream come true to get to shape this world together, with you. This never would have happened without you. I can’t believe we made it all the way to the end, my friend.

"Oh my god... I can’t believe it’s really over."

-Robert Kirkman"

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Having a whale of a great time!

Scuba diving in the Crystal Blue Lagoon? Check. Collecting pearl oysters and whatever else lies at Sea Glass Shores. Check.  Crafting a bunch of cool floaties and braving the Shimmering Whirlpool? Check and check. Riding whales towards the sunset? Check!

Vacationing at the Sparkle Islands has been exactly what I needed! It's nice meeting up with Lenie again as well as Nico and Dewey. The Fairweathers have been taking a break from recording and performing so they've been focusing on adventuring and solo endeavors.

I can't believe that Lenie's a college senior now - where did the time go? Jimmy's busy with family stuff so that's why he's not with us. It feels like forever since I last saw him - but that's what video chats are for! Also, his kids are adorable and I'm glad to finally meet them as well as his husband. Nico's been globe trotting as usual, full of fun and exciting stories to tell us. Dewey's been taking it easy, trying to create a better work-life balance after taking on too much last year.

So far their break has been going really well. With everything going on in their personal lives, they could really take some time off. Artist's block sucks but sometimes there's nothing you can really do about it other than wait it out and focus on other things. Creativity can be finicky, especially when you've got other things on your mind like responsibilities, burnout, or a busy schedule.

I've been in a bit of a creative slump as well. From running events at the camp to personal life stuff getting in the way, I've been feeling off this past week. Like I can't relax because I have a million things running in my mind. If I'm expecting a call or email I find myself unable to focus on anything else because I'm too busy mentally preparing for having to do something that makes me nervous and often drained at the end.

Fortunately, I managed to get pretty much all the boring and stressful adulting stuff out of the way. But after spending most of last week being on edge, it's hard to fall back into my normal rhythm. I've been kinda on autopilot, just trying to get through the day. Up until a couple days ago I've been feeling pretty meh most of the time.

Usually, to de-stress, I turn to art. Doodling, journaling, knitting - whatever creative medium I'm in the mood for. But when you're in an art block, it causes more stress. As someone who's been journaling for years, there will be times when you've hardly touched your notebook in days, weeks, and even months. I have to say, though, since running the camp I've been journaling in a somewhat regular basis - especially when I started incorporating art journaling into it - but I still have times when I'm just not feeling it.

Sometimes getting your feelings out on paper doesn't help, especially when you don't have the words to explain exactly how you feel without it sounding forced or an incomprehensible mess of words. There are times when I want to write about something but the words just don't come out right, so I end up scrapping the whole thing. And of course, there are times when I want to write about something that's been on my mind, only to end up rambling about something else and going off on that tangent.

Then there are times when your mind is so fogged up that you come up completely empty. Up until today, I've been head full of fog, thoughts completely empty. Still kinda feels like that, to be completely honest, but the fog's slowly clearing up. I think the whale ride really helped with that.

As someone who believes a change of scenery and a good distraction helps when life takes a lot of out you, I find that I have a hard time following my own advice. I'm all about taking time to forget your troubles and worries for a bit, but yet I'm having difficulty doing so. I don't know why, but I always find it difficult to completely let loose - like I let myself have fun but at the same time my worries are always there in the back of my mind. It's like I'm subconsciously telling myself to have fun, but not too much fun. As much as I want to let go, there's a part of me that holds on, making me afraid to let myself fall freely.

What's the point in telling people to escape their troubles for a bit when I can't even do that without feeling like I'm doing something wrong? It's not that I don't know how to have fun - though it's taken a lot longer for me to catch on than most people - but sometimes it feels forced. I don't know, it's always something I've struggled with - at least compared to most of my peers growing up. Maybe part of it comes from being a convenient person - one who doesn't ask for much, someone who doesn't go out of their way to bring attention to themselves - the kind of person who tags along and is just there.

It's kinda like I don't know exactly how to have fun. Sort of like I'm second guessing myself by wondering, "Is this what having fun feels like? Am I doing it right? Is this enough?" and of course, that totally defeats the purpose of escaping and letting go.

I have to say, being at the camp as helped a lot in terms of teaching me how to live in the moment and enjoy the good times to the fullest. It's still a bit of a new concept for me, but at least I'm coming out of my shell - and that's what counts. Maybe I'll never be as carefree as some people - I've been told that I'm kinda low-key and serious by nature - and I'm okay with that. Sometimes I wish that I could be a bit more vocal and expressive and active, but most of the time I'm happy with being an observer and doing my own thing in the background.

It was Chai and Rhonda's idea to visit the Sparkle Islands. It was on the list for a while but for the past year the islands were undergoing a lot of reconstruction so a lot of places were closed. Leyla, who's one of the princesses of the islands, was behind a lot of the restoration and repair of various sites.

Turns out that I just missed her when we visited Maron Heights to watch our friends perform in After Hours at the Opera. Because she was so busy getting the islands back in shape, she dropped by to see the show the night before we came and went back home the next morning.

Like with Kat, Hawk, AJ, and Elara, Leyla's been going through a bunch of changes as well now that things are settling down. Aside from rebuilding the islands, Leyla's getting reacquainted with her mom Archer, who disappeared about twenty years ago in a disaster that left part of the main island in shambles for years. Having her back is still a huge adjustment for Leyla and her momma Rosie as she missed out on a lot. Leyla and Kat are pretty much on the same page when it comes to reuniting with a parent who was presumed dead for most of their lives. Despite the initial awkwardness, things are going well.

As for Leyla, a heated reunion between her moms led to an unexpected surprise - three actually. In about five months their little family of three will double in size. While her moms are terrified, Leyla's at the point where she's fully looking forward to having three new siblings. Sure, it'll be tough as her moms are out of practice with taking care of a baby (or babies). The way Leyla sees it, the 20 + age difference is more of an advantage because she can easily help take care of the babies as her moms will definitely be overwhelmed.

So along with overseeing the islands, Leyla's been helping Rosie take care of Archer, who's on strict bedrest. Archer's doing okay for the most part but the pregnancy has taken a toll on her, especially since there's a high potential for complications. Now with reconstruction almost done - about 98% according to Leyla - she has been spending a lot of time with her moms.

It was by chance that we ran into Lenie and her brothers as well as Leyla and her moms. Leyla's been dropping by to check in on us but it wasn't until today she joined us on a fun filled day of crafting floaties and riding whales. Rosie insisted that Leyla take a well deserved break and invited us for dinner when we got back.

Crafting floaties was a lot of fun and so was diving in the Shimmering Whirlpool. It does take some getting used to though, and one should be a somewhat experienced swimmer as the currents can get quite unpredictable. A bit too rough for my liking at times - not a fan of being spun around quickly because motion sickness, ugh - but overall it was an interesting experience. Definitely more into crafting floaties though.

Maybe I would be more of a thrill seeker if I didn't get so dizzy easily. I can't even look at something spinning for more than half a minute without feeling a headache coming on.

Late afternoon and evening were much more chill, thankfully. Bubble tea, sandwiches, and ice cream at the beach. Building sandcastles and breaking open coconuts. Lying on a beach towel under an umbrella and watching the waves. It's hard to believe that a couple months ago this place was left in ruins.

The biggest highlight was the whale ride. Leyla set us up with some of her friends, who were more than happy to let us hop on and show us the ocean. And I have to say, it was an amazing experience!

For a moment, I was able to let go completely. No worries, no doubts, no second guessing myself. Just bliss and exhilaration. A rare moment in which I get to be in the moment instead of being aware that I'm living a memory that I'll be looking back on fondly someday. It's strange, to lose yourself like that and not feel... weird? Guilty? Disconnected? Like you're not enjoying it enough because a part of your mind is elsewhere.

Riding a whale towards a sunset - what a way to spend an evening! I guess my takeaway from this mind blowing experience is that I need to learn that a part of having fun is letting happiness come to you instead of forcing it or telling yourself that you should be enjoying this. I need to keep that in mind.

[upfrog]

So I finished reading Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

This isn’t so much a review, as an attempt to cement some of my thoughts, and to at least write something down, the better that I will not look back in a year and not be able to remember a thing of what I thought of HPMOR. But overall... that was quite a thing.

HPMOR is long. Longer (by word count, which isn’t a perfect method of judging this) than War and Peace, the normal benchmark for “really long books”. I don’t consider getting through it to be an accomplishment, in the sense of say, getting through Homestuck, though maybe that’s only because I have tried, and failed to do the latter several times. It may also be because the plot is, for all it’s time travel and scientific tangents, less complex than Homestuck. I do not expect it to stick in my mind the way the canonical books do. While I do not consider them to be high literature, the canonical Harry Potter books, in addition to being entirely an entirely decent story, had a certain... Depth, of sorts, to them. Some of this may come from the midi-chlorian effect; the workings of magic are never discussed greatly in the canonical books, but much of HPMOR Harry’s efforts are devoted to understanding magic from a scientific perspective. I think it is more likely that it is because HPMOR simply had a more limited scope.

HPMOR set out to be a puzzle, an encouragement of rational thought patterns, a demonstration of how they might be applied to great benefit. And it does this. While potential plot holes and inconsistencies exist, it does this fairly well on the whole. But there isn’t that much beneath it, at least not that I have seen. It’s a good enough story, and the way it chooses to fill in the unfinished coloring book of Rowling’s world creates a compellingly interesting universe, albeit not a pleasant one. It has some good humor at some parts (more on that later), many clever moments, and some moments that are, frankly, just plain awesome, though these often contribute to the monstrously overpowered being that Harry is. Both versions shared the core theme of (spoiler warning: the rest of this paragraph. If you’re interested, I’d really advise you to just read it so that you don’t have the dramatic tension reduced) Harry ultimately triumphing by virtue of who he is. Triumphing by being, as we would describe it, a better human being than his opponent. The difference is that in the canonical books, this is a much more theological process. By the final book, Rowling is pretty much bashing us over the head with a crucifix. I still maintain that, unless the hill you wish to die on is unmarried teen snogging, declaring Harry Potter as heresy for the simple fact that it includes magic is to foolishly ignore the veritable flood of Christian messaging the books contain. I thought I’d made a post about that, but apparently not, so I’ll divert myself to that briefly. 

Spoilers for the whole canonical Harry Potter main series in the following paragraph:

The entire story is based on an innocent child who was permitted to live because of the intensely real power and protection offered by the selfless sacrifice of another to protect said child. So there, straight off the bat, right in the premise. And then in the 7th book, Harry does the exact same thing, but more so, and pretty much pulls an Aslan, “dying” willingly to protect others, but not by this being truly killed. And it’s not like the Christian messaging in Narnia is obscure. And at the end of the first Harry Potter book, Dumbledore, the most “good guy” character that the series has to offer goes off explaining how “to the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure”. Then, in no particular order, having not done anything like a read through specifically looking out for these: the primacy of the soul over the physical, the specifically soul-corrupting nature of evil and killing, the power of redemption and forgiveness, the ultimate triumph of good over evil, the concept of powers that, while attainable, will damage your soul forever, and the existence of life after death. Anyway, back to the main matter.

HPMOR lacks any semblance of this depth (not that this is the deepest thing in the world mind), at least that I have been able to detect, and this makes it a lesser story to me.

The first ten or so chapters of HPMOR were pretty great as comedy. Harry constantly befuddling the wizarding world, and being befuddled by it, makes for some great laughs. Later on it undergoes a pretty significant tone change, and I had a very hard time adjusting to it, and enjoying the latter portion (which makes up most of the fic) for what it is. I did ultimately reach that point, but it was jarring.

This fic has some pretty obscure references. Have any of y’all read “Negima!?”? The author of this fic has. ( or at least, he’s watched some of the show.) It also had an offhanded reference to Madoka Magica, which is less obscure, but I still appreciate it. 

HPMOR Harry just keeps on getting more and more powers. (potential spoilers ahead, less severe): It seems like every month he’s making some discovery of how to do something that the entire wizarding world “knows” is totally impossible. It makes a certain sense, in context, but it certainly does contribute to some Mary Sue-like feeling. But on the other hand, Harry routinely oversteps his cleverness, failing to think things through enough, missing obvious points that would have counter-indicated his action. And some of the consequences are rather severe, so I don’t knock too many points off for it. Harry is powerful, but he is also rather a child genius in this telling, and all things considered, most of his discoveries don’t seem too ridiculous. 

I earlier mentioned that the world HPMOR painted was rather interesting. It (mostly) doesn’t directly contradict the wizarding world as portrayed in the common, but it does color in many of the blanks, and this author paints in dark colors. Wizarding britain, as portrayed in HPMOR, would be considered barbaric to most of the people reading this. Or perhaps it would merely be considered “medieval”. It certainly has some things going for it. It is portrayed as a place with relatively little history of institutional sexism, or racism amongst wizards. Even the stodgiest pure bloods find it silly to discriminate based on skin color. Wizarding Britain sees little wrong with homosexuality, and it is entirely un-taboo. But things get worse from there.

It is implied, or at least, I took away the message from my last reading some years ago, that the Wizarding power structure in the canonical books is... incompetent. That the benchmark of being a “fully qualified” witch or wizard does not in fact entail very much true competency, and many of the more powerful figures are somewhat dumb. HPMOR confirms this, and brings it into the light, offering more examples of just how useless most wizards are in matters non-magical. Wizarding Britain is controlled by an incompetent government, which is primarily controlled by one or several “Noble and Most Ancient House(s)”. The extent of Lucius Malfoy’s influence is brought up often in the canonical books, and the same is true here. This is a world where (minor spoiler for something before chapter 10-ish) a young noble raping a girl, and yes, girl is the proper noun here, repeatedly, and getting away with it indefinitely, is an open secret. Where this young noble’s security is secured by: a) the victim and her families’ fear of his familial power, b) memory charms, and c) a court system where the interests of the Noble Houses are often a primary concern. 

Wizarding news is minimal, and it seems to primarily toe the ministry (which is to say, aristocratic) line, save for the Quibbler, which... on the whole, isn’t great news either. There is no particular concept of a fair trial at play in this world, especially if your crime was committed against a noble house. Less than three days investigation is considered enough to go from crime to a sentence of ten years in Azkaban. And then there’s Azkaban itself. For all it is a prominent feature in the books, and Dumbledore’s opposition to it is often mentioned, Azkaban doesn’t get much light shone on it in the canonical books. This is likely in part because it is such an incredibly, ridiculously cruel place that it becomes very difficult for many of us muggles to imagine it being an appropriate punishment for anyone. I won’t go into great detail, but there are very few crimes capable of causing enough pain that, even working from a perspective of vengeance, instead of justice or rehabilitation, it becomes very difficult to mathematically justify Azkaban. 

To clarify, by mathematically justify, I mean, what percent of the pain a criminal inflicts by his misdeed can fairly be unleashed upon the criminal as punishment. Is a beating a proper punishment for beating someone? What about two beatings? Or three? At what point does the severity of the punishment become so much greater than that of the crime that it stops being sensible? If you slapped me, would I, absent any concerns about self defense or ensuring my future safety, be justified in immediately shooting you? Or boiling you? Or beating you to death? The murders who are so successful that we stop calling them murders and start calling them statesmen might have a shot at a mathematically (if not necessarily ethically) justifiable cell in Azkaban. For everyone else, it’s pretty difficult. And in both versions of the story, wizarding justice is NOT perfect. Innocent people go to Azkaban, and are exposed to this as well. Azkaban is pretty terrible, and most of the wizarding world just sort of... accepts it.

Anyway, I probably have more to say, but I really need to wrap this up. This probably wasn’t very coherent, so sorry about that. 

[ckret2]

And I got so into writing out that Worst Case Scenario last night I forgot to mention my second misgiving with the whole damn prompt, which AS IT HAPPENS covers some headcanons I've been meaning to bring up AND is relevant to a prompt coming up in my list that I am gonna write, so I'm gonna devote a post to this:

The very scenario "x character gets upset over y character CHEATING!!!" is based on the presumption that, like... the characters give a shit.

In the case of Rodorah, it assumes that two giant animals, one of which is an alien, both:

1) are familiar with the concept of monogamy as humans understand it

2) believe in and adhere to the concept of monogamy as humans understand it

3) consider dating or banging anyone outside their relationship a breach of trust in regards to said monogamy

4) would have the exact same emotional reaction as a human to said breach of trust

Which is a lot of assumption to put on a dinosaur and a dragon. And also anyone who dates Ghidorah is automatically in a polyamorous relationship so monogamy is kinda out the window right from the get go, you know?

So I'm gonna dig into why all those assumptions are unnecessary to assume. Half based on canon and half covering fic headcanons.

Gonna go out on a limb and assume that we don't know anything worth discussing about the mating habits of pteranodons; but Monsterverse Rodan's also got a lot of bird in him, so let's go with that. Lots of birds are socially monogamous, but not sexually monogamous. What that means is that once two birds are committed to each other—went down to bird city hall and signed their bird marriage license, exchanged tiny bird rings, whatever birds do—they've committed to sharing a nest and splitting egg-guarding and child-rearing duties in that nest. They HAVEN'T committed to only screwing each other. Depending on the species, 10% to 33% of the eggs in the nest could have a different genetic father than the male bird in that couple. (And some even have a different genetic mother, which boggles my mind. Like did she fly all the way over to someone else's nest just to lay the egg like "I don't wanna deal with this one thanks" and they're like "that's fine have a nice day"? I'm sure that's not how it works but the thought amuses me.)

Operating by that definition, Rodan's image of "totally committed and faithful" would be "there's only one person whom I split daily chores with, and I can have kids with anyone."

(Some bird species are both sexually and socially monogamous... but then, some bird species also are only committed to one partner for one breeding season, then break up and commit to a new partner next year. There's variation, is the point—and more than that, "you can't logically assume that a species like this is going to be sexually/socially monogamous for life the way humans idealize" is the bigger point.)

The fact that Rodan's species, like all titan species, seems to be in a perpetual state of "less than two dozen deaths away from total extinction" would actually select against sexual monogamy, because a species that goes "I'm not having kids with anyone except my one true love. Who died a century ago," is gonna go extinct a lot faster than a species that goes "boy won't my one true love be excited when she hears about the prime real estate me and Ms. Krakatoa found to lay our eggs in."

And I've established in prior headcanons that because parents might die long before their kids are born and because volcanoes act as natural fortresses/incubators for eggs, Rodan's species doesn't share nests, doesn't need to protect or incubate eggs, and doesn't rear their young—so what would social monogamy even entail for them? It doesn't need to entail much of anything, if they even subscribe to it at all.

Ghidorah's species is alien so there's no need to try to compare them to their "nearest related species on Earth" because they aren't related to any species on Earth. But, if we're gonna use Earth species as a framework off of which to base their headcanons anyway: dorats/Ghidorahs, when taken all together, are like 50% snake, 30% cat, and 20% bat.

Snakes are the least monogamous bunch of animals you could ask for. During mating season, males and females both have multiple partners, females can lay eggs from multiple fathers in one clutch, and most species don't even bother incubating their eggs. (In the few that do, the mother does that without a partner.)

Domestic cats are into gang bangs. When a female cat is in heat, she will yowl to attract as many male cats in the area as possible. When a male cat wants some, he'll yowl in hopes a female cat in heat will zip over. They'll mate with multiple cats in a row, loitering around watching while they wait for their turn. They'll mate with whoever shows up. They'll mate with their own relatives. Cats don't care. Cats are gross. Get your cats fixed.

Most bats will have multiple partners. Some bats are polygamous—one or two dudes with a collection of multiple female partners. In both of these cases, males don't help rear the young. A few bats are monogamous and share parenting duties—but these are the minority.

So Ghidorah's most closely related species are three counts of "I don't care who you screw, I don't care who I screw, once a year there's like a month where anyone could screw anyone else at any time and nobody is safe. I'll screw you and then I'll screw a space chicken cyborg and then I'll screw myself, watch, I'm flexible."

One hopes they're a bit more selective than that, but those are the nearest Earth analogues we're starting with as our basis for their species.

Based just on that, between Ghidorah and Rodan, if one of them is gonna be fussed about the other having additional partners—sexual, romantic, or otherwise—odds are it ain't gonna be Ghidorah. Ghidorah's gonna be the clueless alien trying to figure out what weird Earth etiquette rule he broke while Rodan's upset—assuming Rodan cares either.

So beyond Earth animals: what's been established about dorats so far is that they live in big groups with multiple aeries. The basic dorat social unit is a flock (30-200 adults), not a nest (1-2 adults). Since they communally share nests, eggs from multiple parents will end up in the same pile, and so it's likely no one gives a damn about who's had kids with who. (And—although I haven't gotten into dorat reproduction yet—eggs are laid immediately after mating, so it's impossible to have dubious paternity in a dorat mating—which IRL, aside from "doubling the amount of parents looking after these kids," is one of the driving factors of monogamy in the wild.)

The Xilien military HAS witnessed aggression based on sexual jealousy between adolescent dorats, enough so that they think it's a threat to their experiments. The Xilien military is locking up dorats in cages and experimentally fusing them together. The Xilien military is not observing dorats in their natural habitat. The actual dorat breeder is absolutely horrified to hear of dorats behaving like that, because it's a sign of extreme stress and trauma. Viciously competing for mates and chasing off other potential sexual partners, therefore, is abnormal for dorats.

Using Ghidorah as they are now as an example of what dorats are like is dicey, since they've lived such a strange life and so much of their psychology is shaped by trauma—buuut, it's evident from them that dorats can feel romantic love, but we don't know what function it would've had among normal dorats. Maybe it's supposed to be a temporary thing that fades after a mating season, maybe it's supposed to encourage a few members of one flock to latch on to members of another flock and move as a means to discourage stagnation in the genetic pool of a single flock, maybe its primary purpose has nothing to do with driving reproduction but rather is supposed to strengthen social bonds between members of this naturally empathic species...

So the presence of romantic feelings doesn't inherently correlate with monogamy, or a desire for monogamy, or sexual/romantic exclusivity, or sexual/romantic jealousy...

So add all that together and what do you get. Of the two of them, Rodan is more likely to have a natural and/or cultural inclination toward any sort of monogamy than Ghidorah is, and even at that it's most likely to be romantic monogamy than sexual monogamy. Ghidorah's the one more likely to assume against exclusivity from the outside. However: to the original premise, if Ghidorah DID find out Rodan had taken another sexual partner (and let's be frank, it would be sexual because nobody in this fandom is writing a damn thing about infidelity plots that don't eventually fall back on "o noez Rodan screwed someone he shouldn't have," even when romance IS involved it boils down to sex, and yeah it's always Rodan��)

That parenthetical went on a bit of a tangent. Anyway if Ghidorah found out Rodan had taken another sexual partner, there'd be three possible reactions:

1) The LEAST likely: as in the potential scenario yesterday written on the "okay, let's assume that cheating is a thing for them" assumption: an apocalypse with a potential side of murder/suicide. In order for something like that to happen, Ghidorah's experiences on Earth would have to have pushed them into full Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just A Dorat In A Cage mode. Their baseline mental state is at about 45% on the "stressed caged dorat" meter. Right now they're hovering around 30% and gradually dropping. Being an enslaved war machine kept them at a steady 75%. They'd need to be at like 90% before they started flipping their shit over romantic jealousy. To get them to that level of stress, they'd need to be getting constantly harassed by Godzilla and human military units, psychically bombarded by Mothra, and on top of that probably getting gaslit to hell and back by Rodan re: their relationship status so they couldn't be confident of where they stood with him—and that leads into the other factor that's necessary for this scenario to happen. Rodan would need to 1) insist to Ghidorah that he's the only one Rodan's got any sort of sexual/romantic involvement with, and 2) convince him that the stability and continued existence of their relationship is predicated upon Rodan being interested in only Ghidorah. They'd need to be specifically convinced of these things first in order to feel lied to/betrayed if Rodan had a relationship of any kind with someone else, because they wouldn't naturally assume either of them.

Since we've got no evidence Rodan is a raging abusive asshole who would go out of his way to convince an ignorant alien that their happiness is dependent upon Rodan being exclusive and then go off and not be exclusive, this scenario isn't happening.

2) Actually likely scenario, bad outcome: Rodan comes home and Ghidorah asks where he's been all day and he goes, oh yeah, he found another member of his species today, they're gonna try to make eggs, it's great—because to Rodan that's no big deal, that's normal, he's got absolutely no reason not to tell his mate that he's banging another bird. Ghidorah gets nervous solely because they DON'T know what's normal here. They don't know whether monogamy or polyamory is the norm for Earth in general or Rodan in particular. Are they still a thing or is this Rodan's way of saying the relationship's run its course and he's moved on? Was he always planning to move on once someone of his own species became available? Was he expecting Ghidorah to expect that? Because they did expect that, they've always feared they were just a temporary substitute for a more desirable partner, they just didn't know if they were supposed to expect that. At which point they go "oh" and Rodan goes "'oh' what?" and they go "so is that it then?" and he goes "is what it?" and they actually communicate for thirty seconds and everything's fine. So hey the bad outcome isn't even bad. It probably just takes them a month to have that conversation while Ghidorah invents mental worst case scenarios.

3) Actually likely scenario, good outcome: Rodan comes home and Ghidorah asks where he's been all day and he goes, oh yeah, he found another member of his species today, they're gonna try to make eggs— And Ghidorah goes EXCUSE US if they're in a relationship with him and he's in a relationship with her then that means they and he and she are all part of the same flock and they are DEEPLY offended that he hasn't brought her by to meet them yet, come on, go get her, they need to know what she looks like so they don't accidentally get in a fight with her if they see her in Rodan's territory. Also they need to know where her volcano is so they can get their scent all over it.

[dear-space-cadet]

al horford sleeper agent

—————

anyway by now ive told basically everyone i care about but i had a life changing experience over the weekend. n it sounds dumb as shit but i met a real life dude who was basically a clone of nick from franz. weird hours. guess this is a thread

before we start i want to say i havent thought about franz in weeks. theyve gone away on their own finally but really i think my old obsessions just get replaced every few years and maybe it was my hard work in therapy or my new obsession with rap or

maybe it was just a realization or me growing up and maturing or something but i dont even want to work on my favorite fanfics anymore or anything. it’s just odd. i think im changing

and i don’t think about how my former favorite band members are doing or worry about them or check their socials n it feels really good. but i know there probably is or probably will be a replacement

ok that was a tangent. if they were replaced by anything they were replaced by new friends and the NBA. so there’s the exposition of this story sorted

anyway back to the weekend. the sleeper agent invited me to lunch. and that was the catalyst. god people are being so loud in here let me go to the art library

anyway i just kind of realized "huh i guess there's more out there." i went to lunch n shit. WE went to lunch n shit. stopped caring so much about my math homework. let myself be dumb and in love

that’s a very human thing. lunch. he spilled his stupid chipotle burrito all over his stupid bright green celtics jacket

he’s from italy. never even stepped foot in a chipotle. immediately clowned himself. some world we live in

we hung out all weekend. we went to lunch like two more times and we went to dinner. there was this big threat of leaving looming over my head the whole time. i made him walk like a mile on crutches and i feel very bad about it

i don’t know what’s wrong with him. it’s somewhere between a basketball injury and a chronic disability. either way that just made me feel even more emotionally attached to him. i never saw him without the celtics jacket

it was so cold that weekend. or maybe i just didn’t bring the right jacket. if he were a gentleman he would have offered me the celtics jacket. i didnt even hug him goodbye

and then of course he went back home. theres a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time. theres nothing special about me. he doesn't want to talk. i wrote my ap psych notes in green yesterday bc i was so in love with that stupid celtics jacket

im a sixers fan. the sixers and the celtics have been rivals forever. it was about to be war, except i want to move to boston. but really i want to move to dc. i wish the whole world was philly. things would be less complicated

im in love with a celtics jacket. a celtics jacket. of all teams. and i cant even talk to my basketball friends about it because they think im dumb shit for falling for some celtics fan with a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time

im not like those girls. i don’t think im like those girls. but i definitely exactly am

i have an economics test in fifteen minutes. i think one day ill drown in the atlantic ocean.

the test wasnt that bad. i thought about writing this the entire time. i would just zone out and stare and think about the phrase ‘al horford sleeper agent’

because he has to be. why else would someone put a diehard sixers fan right in front of a diehard celtics fan who looks exactly like the guitarist of their middle school favorite band

in reality i should be calling him a celtics sleeper agent because the whole point is that al horford is a sleeper agent for the celtics. but i hate al horford so i guess it’s more funny to include him in the title

i mean how can one player change so drastically like that? al horford was benched for the first time since his rookie season, like, two weeks ago after being traded to the sixers. how does that happen? why *wouldn’t* he be playing badly so his old friends win the title?

al horford’s gotta be retiring in like, three years, tops. he’s working for the celtics, i know it. and my sleeper agent is trying to convert me to a celtics fan

i understand why people make jokes, though. it’s a very human thing to want to go home. al horford just wants to go home. he lived in boston for however many years let me look it up

god whatever it was only three years i thought it was like eleven that just ruined my point

back to the matter at hand though that’s all we’re trying to do. we all just want to feel at home. we’re all just these little things trying to connect somehow. sometimes we are more desperate than others

i think im pretty desperate right now. sometimes i sit in my bedroom and im like damn when do i get to go home? but im home

i didn’t even want to leave dc. it was all star break and there wasn’t even basketball on. so there i was, in basketball purgatory, wizards territory for some god forsaken reason, losing sleep over a celtics fan and not wanting to go home

and when i say i was losing sleep you better believe me. i was so excited to wake up in the morning that i didn’t want to fall asleep. i wanted to be awake forever, endless, running through the city

i’ll get there soon enough. it’ll be with different people. college, yknow. all that. but sometimes i feel like certain things can’t be replaced.

and im acting like a different person lately. im using my phone at red lights just so i can check for a message from the sleeper agent. it’s always one word responses

yes. ok. maybe. some shit like that. a haha every once in a while. he’s not interested and i should stop trying

and then, INEVITABLY, i send something stupid back, a photo of my hand on the wheel or something, and i get left on read

and i know im stupid for it. everyone i know is screaming at me “disco, you’re dumb shit” but i just want to believe for a minute that im loved, im special

I want to feel like someone out there cares about me that isn’t obligated to, yknow? my mom can say she loves me all she wants but it doesn’t feel as good as some italian celtics fan saying it

some hot italian celtics fan mind you

even if he wasn’t hot or italian it would be nice. and actually it would be better if he liked like, ANY other basketball team

except maybe the knicks

but whatever. main point: i know im dumb shit and should stop trying. but it feels good to feel like if i keep trying maybe i’ll be wanted

sleeper agent is just one of those people tho. he’s magnetic and everyone always wants to be around him. dumb as hell in the most charming way ever. my friends are still all making fun of me

i started crying in a pizza place the other night because even the CONCEPT of italy sent me over the edge. i need to stop before i

wait what’s the word

i need to stop before i immortalize him? no, no

i need to stop before i deify him. soon enough he’s going to be a new canonical character in my head and i’ll start making up legends and stories to myself

we barely knew each other. if i deify him i’ll start telling people he offered me the celtics jacket when it was cold out. he’ll become a perfect gentleman. and he wasnt. he was just some stupid hot italian boy in a bright green jacket

im not going to deify him. it won’t happen. but i love the color green. i always say i love yellow more but i think that’s passed. i wear a green ring on my right ring finger every day. im not going to deify him and i still hate the celtics

overall, the celtics are winning the rivalry. i don’t think the sixers have ever truly been “great,” at least outside of philly. maybe allen iverson. wilt chamberlain. dr j? theyve never had like, a dynasty. idk. i don’t think you’d be able to get a sixers jacket in italy.

it’s his birthday today. i should probably text him. i should probably stop thinking about him. that’s just dumb shit, disco youre better than this what happened to a little self confidence every now and again

sure lets say external validation isnt necessary but also i think that’s something the mindfulness crowd made up to sell more planners and tote bags in 2011. it feels good to be wanted

never waste all your time on it sure. know youre still worth it even when you have no friends and there are a million girls all over his instagram comments. but it does feel good to hear “goodness disco i like how much you like the philadelphia 76ers”

my friends are all making fun of me for being on some romeo and juliet shit because he’s literally from verona and he’s a celtics fan and im a sixers fan god damn it disco why does this always happen

i never even read romeo and juliet but i saw the dreamworks adaptation so i guess ive got the story relatively right i know they die in the end. the gnomes shatter into little pieces i think

anyway tangents aside the sixers won tonight. philly is lit up green. why the hell is philly lit up green? the eagles were done like three months ago and the flyers are orange. why is philly lit up green

oh god, he just snapped me. a zoomed in photo of himself with caption that says “76ers” with like five exclamation points

here we go again, everybody

wish me luck

[endarkculi]

Endark Update: Damn, do I feel used sometimes.

Hey, everyone. Hope you’ve all been doing well. Haven’t had any original content for a while, but I hope you’ve all been enjoying reblogs of things I’ve found interesting.  My life’s been going well so far...at least, I can’t say that I’ve had more bad than good. A minor bug or rodent problem, sure, but nothing that’s outright ruined my day.  Today, though...I just felt like making this post, if only so I’m not keeping the stress trapped up in my head.

So, I have company today.  All week, actually; I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I have an out-of-town friend that I usually see for a week every couple of months.  This week has mainly been “Persona”-centric; it’s his first chance to play Persona 5 on my system, and I’ve usually been on the sidelines watching him and advising with help from an online guide.  I don’t usually mind that set-up, because it makes me feel involved in a normally one-player experience, like the tactician to a general...ah, but this is mostly just a tangent; I should get back on-track.

So, today, I wake up around 10 AM, as I have the previous days.  My friend wasn’t awake, but would probably be so around 1 in the afternoon, as he has the previous days.  And today I thought I’d do something special.  My mother (who I still live with) brought special meat and sandwich buns, so I thought I’d prepare some club sandwiches.  Ham, bologna, cheese, lettuce, tomato, ranch dressing...nothing too foreign, but a good combination.  And I certainly enjoyed mine!

But when he woke up (around 1) and ate his...well, at first, his only complaint was that I’d sliced the tomato a tad too think for his tastes, and removed them.  That’s a fair and acceptable complaint, I think.  Halfway through, he says he’s not really that hungry since he just woke up, and says he’s putting the rest in the kitchen. Also fair, I think, though a tad odd since he’s usually a big eater. But just half an hour ago, I went to the kitchen to wash some dishes, and notice the garbage can lid slightly ajar.  And in it is, as you might guess, the sandwich.

Which still isn’t the main reason I’m feeling so stressed out right now.

I call out to him from the kitchen, saying I feel insulted. He asks why, and I say it’s because he threw out the sandwich. He said he probably wouldn’t feel hungry for the rest until supper, and we’d already made plans to eat out (with him paying for both me and mom), which meant it would go bad anyways, and asked what else he’d do with it. I asked him why he didn’t just put it in the fridge for later.  He went “Oh.”

The thought hadn’t even crossed his mind.

I’m not upset that he threw out my food. I’m not upset that he didn’t tell me he threw out my food...well, okay, maybe partly upset.  But I am MOSTLY upset that he’s seeing this visit as more of a personal vacation, and not even thinking twice about perfectly edible food that’s bought with my family’s own grocery money.  Next time he’s hungry, he’s probably just going to take something else from the fridge, not thinking ahead about how much is going to be left for mom and I once his visit’s over. And him bringing four cans of soda and paying for one supper in a week-long visit of no chores, no bedtimes, fresh meals handed to him, etc., shouldn’t make us “even”.  We’re f***ing 25 years old; the fact that concepts like “responsibility” haven’t quite sunken into his head yet is troubling.

So now I’m in my bedroom, complaining of a backache after bending over the sink to wash dishes, while typing this out on my laptop before my head explodes.  I’ll probably be fine later (whether I will be in time for the meal he said he’ll pay for is currently indeterminable), but for now, I hope everyone following is having a good day and is experiencing far less stress than I.

[allisonswrittenwords]

Sack It, Stuff It, Stack It, Express It! Got it?

No, this is not Allison’s Written Words’ way of ridding itself of readership, but rather, a interestingly-named line of school supplies that made 80s kids too cool for school.

That’s right, it’s a new month, hence, a new theme!

School’s In Session!

That Rubberband Man, he’ll find you!

The month of September, being a month of back to school, needed some nostalgic trips into school.  Specifically, needs school supplies.  So, four new articles, four different ways of going back to school in style! Forget laptops, tablets, and smart phones – those are way too modern for our very nostalgic back-to-school supply list.  We’re focusing on how WE went back to school in the 1980s and 1990s.

Some of what you’ll see this month will have you wanting to go back to school…or not.  But it will definitely bring back some memories.

Today, we kick off “Too Cool for School” Month in 1987, with a familiar brand and its venture into the hallowed halls of education.  Perhaps you remember today’s school supply lineup?

Sack It, Stuff It, Stack It, Express It!

Got it?

Class Act was a “high tech” line of school supplies (considered “high tech” in concept, but only one aspect of the school supply line was actually technology-based – more on that shortly) created and manufactured by Worlds of Wonder during their ill-fated year of 1987.  Yes, you read that right – Worlds of Wonder – the same company behind Teddy Ruxpin, Grubby, and various other talking dolls of the mid 1980s.  They turned away from their high-tech aspirations (well, not totally) to create a line of “high concept” supplies that made going to school…cool.

Seriously, I had to rhyme that.

Each product had its own special name, with the commonality of the word “It” attached to each title.

The Class Act of School Supplies…

What were these products, pray tell?

There were pocket folders (Stash It)…

Image: eBay

Image: eBay

Image: eBay

Image: eBay

Butts.  So many butts.  Because butts and folders are the same thing?

A locker shelving system that Worlds of Wonder called Stack it…or Rack It?

Image: PicClick

I had something like this during my mid-1990s middle school years.  It wasn’t this, but it was the exact same thing, and it worked pretty well.  Since I was in my “cool phase” at the start of high school (yep, keep feeding yourself that lie, Allison), I kept my version in my closet at home.  It worked well there too.

But wait, there’s more!

There was a heavy-duty binder called Stuff It…

The 1980s version of Five Star Binders, and the precursor to Trapper Keeper fad. Kinda like how Worlds of Wonder’s Action Max was the precursor for Nintendo.  Or not.

Can you imagine someone asking about this binder, and being told “Stuff It!…no, that’s the name of the binder!  Come back!  I didn’t tell you to Stuff It!”

And if you need a place to put your Stash It and Stuff It, we have…Sack It!

Image: Reddit

Sack It was a series of school bags – backpack, tote, and duffel bag, now with the ultra-stylish Acid Wash look that will never go out of style!

Image: eBay

Next up, a mini tape recorder (Got It) to check the authenticity of your note, or for the budding school newspaper journalist who needs one of these for interviews.  Also known as “the one item in an already rare line of items I can’t find any information on!”

And a – prepare thyself! – a locker answering machine (Express It)!

So serious.  A locker answering machine.  And the way to make it work was so bizarre, the commercial didn’t even explain how to do it.

I had three minutes to get to my classes in a three-story high school.  Sometimes, I had to run from one side of the school to the other and be lucky if I could squeeze in a locker trip at times (figuring things like that out in my youth made me great at managing my time and keeping schedules in adulthood).  That tangent said, I never would have time to check my hair and makeup in that time, so having a “locker answering machine” to check in the thirty seconds I probably gave myself to swap out stuff from my backpack and mall walker-style power walk to my next class was completely unrealistic!

And Worlds of Wonder didn’t care to demonstrate it, but decided to show you that you had a social life and needed a tape recorder so people could leave you messages at school.  Because you were of the generation for slipping notes into the locker, but you were above that.

Ah, that Worlds of Wonder, with their tape recorder enhanced products.

But, how does it work?

Allow YouTube user Doug McCoy to explain!

Upload via Doug McCoy

And I’m sure this thing never worked quite as well as the commercial made it seem!

Marketing To The Big Kids

While the little ones were enjoying Worlds of Wonder’s talking toy offerings, and the elementary school-age kids were playing with Action Max and Lazer Tag, Worlds of Wonder marketed “Class Act” to the junior high/high school crowd.  Because they ate up pocket folders decorated with acid wash-clad butts, binders called “Stuff It,” and answering machines for your locker.

The commercials were very 1980s high school, DeGrassi/21 Jump Street/MTV style, which was bold for Worlds of Wonder, who often featured cutesy plots about Teddy Ruxpin being the experiment of a mad scientist, Pamela the Living Doll being given to her creator’s adorable granddaughter, and kids having a birthday party for Teddy Ruxpin so they could present him with his friend, Grubby.

They freakin’ wrapped Grubby in wrapping paper in a commercial!

And as for that neon sign logo…

It has teen sitcom feel all over it.  Even the music and the sting used at the very end of the commercial gives off that feel.

As for its success…

(Insert Obligatory “This Is What Happened To Worlds of Wonder” Story Here)

Like other Worlds of Wonder products that had hit it big during the mid-1980s, this product line hit a snag with the Stock Market Crash on October 19, 1987 (by all means, something to associate with my fifth birthday!), and the line lost sales, leading to the end of its production, and cancellation of any future Class Act products.

I will say though, aside from the locker answering machine, a line of school supplies – excuse me, decent looking school supplies – had potential to stand out among Teddy Ruxpin and animatronic talking dolls in Worlds of Wonder’s success stories.  Where Action Max was a total disappointment, a binder with the unique name “Stuff It” screamed “buy me!”

Oh, and how about those oh-so-1980s, teenage-geared commercials?

Sack It, Stuff It, Stack It, Express It…With Commercials!

Because when you know something exists, you’ll try to hunt down proof.  Behold, the joys of YouTube offerings!  I am so grateful to people who have cool stuff like this, when I didn’t even know it existed until just recently!

Thank you to TV Mad Man and Doug McCoy for your contributions to the world of obscure product advertising!

Upload via The TV Mad Man

Upload via The TV Madman

Upload via Doug McCoy

By the way, Doug McCoy has even gotten his hands on other products in the Class Act line, and made videos about it!

So The Important Question Remains…

Did I have anything from the Class Act school supply line?

Well…no.

Honestly, until I learned about the fate of Worlds of Wonder about six years ago, I’d never heard of Class Act, nor had I ever seen these products.  Even when I’d heard about them initially (while researching Worlds of Wonder on many occasions in the last six years), I’d never thought to look up a line of school supplies from the same company that manufactured talking dolls for young children.   I was of the age where playing with Teddy Ruxpin and Action Max were the norm.  I wasn’t in school yet, so I had no need for butt-clad pocket folders, hard plastic binders that hold pizza, and locker answering machines.  Acid Wash denim bags, perhaps, but definitely not the other supplies.

Which is a shame really, though by the time I was ready for cool school supplies, I was ready for next week’s featured school supplies.

That’s your teaser for next week, folks.  Going from obscure supplies that who knows how many people had, to a supply plenty of people had!

So, until then, tell me about your knowledge of Class Act, and have a great day.

Oh, and if you’re going back to school, have a great year.  If you’re sending someone back, hope they have a great year.

And watch out for this guy!

  Sack It, Stuff It, Stack It, Express It!, and be a "Class Act" with Worlds of Wonder's line of too-cool-for-school supplies! (Got it?) Sack It, Stuff It, Stack It, Express It! Got it?

[charlesjening]

State of the Profession 2019: We Need to Talk About Accounting’s Big PR Problem

Not sure if anyone’s noticed but the profession is in trouble. You know it’s bad when the most cynical of cynics feels compelled to say yeah, this is kinda actually bad.

Sure, I’ve talked plenty of shit over the years but I’ve also been one of the profession’s biggest cheerleaders, lifting up future CPAs when they’re about to give up on their dreams, supporting ambitious accountants at conferences and lobbying days, even sharing press releases that in the back of my mind I thought were completely stupid but knew deep down had the best of intentions. But now? Now we’re in a really dark time.

I wish I was more into sports, then I could say something relatable like “if the accounting profession were a team, it would be the 1981 [shitty team here]” and Bramwell would commend me for my extensive knowledge of shitty sports teams. Are the Clippers still a joke? The Cleveland Browns? Yeah, I’m terrible at this. Anyway.

Accountants behaving badly

Anyone noticed Bramwell has been writing an “Accountants Behaving Badly” column on the regular for weeks now? WEEKS. Used to be maybe we could scrape one of those together once a month or so, but now every single Monday conference call we have with The Powers That Be, when it comes time for our publisher to ask what Jason is working on for the week, he confidently exclaims “working on Accountants Behaving Badly, should have that done this afternoon!” Well damn.

I pulled up headlines from the last few he’s done, and holy shit. These aren’t just your run-of-the-mill middle-aged accountants embezzling from clients, we’re talking theft, fraud, kiddie porn, even murder. MURDER.

Yorba Linda accountant arrested on suspicion of embezzling $1.8 million from Suzuki of America in Brea

Rensselaer accountant sentenced in child porn case

Phoenix tax preparer sentenced to prison for stealing his clients’ tax refunds

Lansing accountant sentenced to 7 years prison for fraud

Wakefield accountant sentenced to jail, probation for stealing from church

Essex accountant admits fraud against Cats production firm

North Las Vegas murder suspect a UNLV graduate student

EY employee conspires in £76k staff fraud

PwC accountant fired after 1,700 upskirting images

Accountant lied on oath to protect crime gang torturer

I could keep going but we’d be here all day and we still have a lot of ground to cover. You get the point.

I looked back in the archive and it appears it’s worse than I initially suspected. Bramwell has had no shortage of weekly material going all the way back to July, with even more littering the pages of the archive if you go further back than that. What in the hell is going on?

I mean, maybe people are just losing their minds. These are hard times we live in after all. Everyone is all worked into a lather politically and the future seems bleak, and you know, maybe otherwise good, honest accountants just snapped and started stealing and lying and, uh, killing their wives and then sloppily trying to pass it off as suicide.

I want to say these are isolated incidents but damn, in the aggregate, it’s starting to look like accountants around the world have collectively lost their shit.

KPM-God damn they did it again

No discussion about the profession’s PR problem could be had without mentioning the elephant in the room. Not pointing fingers but I just have to say it: KPMG.

Has KPMG had a single positive headline all year? Honestly I have no idea, I’ve been too distracted by all the not positive ones. They’ve had a rough go of it, no doubt. Just when you think their reputation couldn’t get worse (on top of the baseline reputation they’ve always had as the sweaty armpit of the Big 4, that is), something else appears that makes you sigh the sigh of a bitter, alcoholic, old accounting tabloid writer who is sick of this bullshit (I’m projecting here, obvs).

Rather than blockquote the dozens upon dozens of articles we’ve written in the last year or so that simply beat this already dead horse to a pulp, let’s just pull some headlines from the last year, shall we?

SEC Says $50 Million Fine For KPMG Is ‘Significant’ and ‘Appropriate’ For All That Cheating Going On

Survey Finds That Nearly a Third of KPMG Employees Aren’t Surprised by Latest Cheating Scandal

Which KPMG Scandal Is Worse: PCAOB ‘Steal the Exam’ or CPE Training Exam Cheating?

KPMG Australia Partner Pleaded Guilty to Stabbing a Dude with a Corkscrew Outside of a School

Here’s More Proof That KPMG U.K. Totally F*cked Up the Way It Handled Bullying Allegations Against Partner

KPMG Doesn’t Think It Should Have to Pay a $16 Million Fine For Screwing Up BNY Mellon Compliance Reports

Another Day, Another Fine for KPMG

KPMG Just Can’t Stay Out of Trouble

KPMG Mexico Could Be Facing Fine of Up to $1.6 Million For Huge Data Leak Blunder

U.K.’s Audit Regulator Wants to Find Out Exactly Why KPMG Is Such a Hot F*cking Mess

KPMG Appeals One-Year Auditing Suspension In Oman, Loses

Should I keep going? I could keep going. That’s only some of the worst ones going back to March. Of this year. Soooo… seven months. Of course, no discussion of KPMG malfeasance would be complete without including what I think is my favorite headline of the year:

The PCAOB Needs to Just Beat the Sh*t Out of KPMG Already

Alright. So yeah, KPMG has a problem. But bigger than KPMG’s inability to keep its nuts out of the fire is the fact that thanks to the Big 4 oligarchy, every KPMG fuck-up is a fuck-up for the Big 4. The average person doesn’t know nor care that it’s a single firm bogarting all the fuck-ups. All they see when opening up their Wall Street Journal is some accounting firm cheating or failing in their duty to clients or whatever the hell it is KPMG is fucking up this week.

That’s not to say other firms haven’t had their fair share of fuck-ups. Which brings me to my next point.

Our toothless regulator

Those of you who know me know I’ve been an outspoken critic of the PCAOB over the years. At the same time, I can respect some of the work they do in the way I respect about 60% of what is posted in /r/therewasanattempt.

  Back when the PCAOB was formed in the early ’00s, I was but a starry-eyed 21-year-old, and let’s just say I had more important shit to care about back then without turning this already long piece into another tangent about Adrienne’s Poor Choices in Life That Lead Her Here. It would be five whole years until my world would come crashing down and send me spinning into the purgatory of accounting, where it seems I’ve been banished to exist for eternity like some drunken, angry ghost. I digress.

Not sure if you guys heard but the PCAOB is failing in its mission as it quickly approaches its 20th birthday. Damn, has it been that long? Am I that old? Ouch.

Francine McKenna writes via MarketWatch:

The PCAOB board is staying out of the public eye in 2019, in violation of bylaws established by the law that created the PCAOB, the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. The law requires the PCAOB to hold at least one public meeting of its governing board each calendar quarter. However, the PCAOB board has held no public meetings of its governing board since December 20, 2018.

MarketWatch asked the PCAOB to comment on its apparent lack of compliance with its bylaws regarding open board meetings.

A PCAOB spokeswoman told MarketWatch, “Consistent with long-standing practice, the Board holds open meetings to take action on business such as standard-setting or voting on its budget and strategic plan. We expect to hold two open meetings in the coming months to address our 2020 budget and a proposed concept release related to our quality control standards.”

Not only is the PCAOB getting called out by us pundits circling the profession like hungry vultures waiting to pick the last rotten piece of muscle off a rapidly-decaying corpse (no offense, Francine, you know I love you), the normies are starting to pay attention, too.

In September, the Project on Government Oversight wrote a scathing hit piece on the PCAOB titled How an Agency You’ve Never Heard of Is Leaving the Economy at Risk that I absolutely recommend reading in its entirety.

A federal watchdog you’ve probably never heard of is supposed to be protecting your financial security.

It’s supposed to be policing some of the biggest and most powerful firms in American business.

It’s supposed to reduce the risk that, as a result of fraud, error, or corporate incompetence, your financial future goes poof.

Indirectly, it’s supposed to help safeguard any savings you’ve stashed in the stock market, any stake you have in a pension or retirement fund, and maybe even your paycheck and employment benefits.

It’s supposed to help avert man-made disasters like the financial crisis and mortgage-meltdown of a decade ago; the accounting scandals that destroyed a long list of corporations such as Enron and WorldCom almost two decades ago; and the savings and loan crisis that consumed mountains of taxpayer money in the 1980s and ‘90s—the kind of catastrophes that can cripple your community, crater the economy, or collapse the financial system.

But in key respects it’s been doing a feeble job.

That goes on for, well, let’s just say it’s a long read. Read it. All that to say, everyone’s getting called out now. Remember the good old days when mainly all we had were low blows for Grant Thornton and McGladrey cracks? Yeah, that time is over.

Meanwhile, in Canada

So we’ve established that the profession has a PR problem and that’s all well and good, but at this point, I’m not entirely sure even Don Draper could turn this dead horse into dog food.

On September 11, I wrote an article about CPA Canada’s new advertising campaign, the goal of which I believe was to make CPAs “cool” although who the hell knows with these things sometimes. Yeah, I guess that was it.

In its ongoing effort to smash the green eyeshade stereotype and convince the public that CPAs do more than just annoy their clients and vague tax-like things civvies will never understand, CPA Canada hired advertising agency DentsuBos to develop a new campaign with the lofty goal “to portray CPAs in a modern light.”

The “new face” campaign comes on the heels of last year’s “boring CPA” campaign, also developed with DentsuBos, which ran a cool $5 million. Personally I prefer the AICPA campaign in which a small business owner literally gets his ass beat until a CPA appears to rescue him but whatever.

Just nine days later, Canadians across their fine country opened up their Financial Post to read all about how CPA Canada absolutely fucked up the Common Final Examination, which for my fellow ignorant Yanks who might be wondering, is their version of the CPA exam essentially. Abject failure, slapped all over the national news. Embarrassing.

So what now?

This article is already way too long and since no one is around to edit the shit out of me I could probably make it even longer, but let’s not turn this beating into a massacre, K? Point has been made.

So I have to ask: What is the solution? For all this talk of public trust and ethics, the profession is wobbling unsteadily at a pretty crucial crossroads and in desperate need of a come-to-Jesus moment. All it’s gonna take is one more big scandal to topple the whole thing, and at this rate, we should see that, I dunno, next week sometime?

I dunno about y’all but I’m getting tired of getting all worked up over the potential for some big blow-up only to be disappointed when literally nothing happens. To be frank, I’ve had doom and gloom blue balls since 2008 still waiting for the economy to fully bottom out and that never happened, so let’s just say I’m not too hopeful even Enron II will have much of an impact at this point when not if it happens. Sure, there will be a few salacious headlines and maybe we’ll get another toothless agency out of it but will anything really change? From the depths of my cold black heart I’m inclined to say nah.

I guess all we can do is wait, see, and hope middle-aged bookkeepers would stop robbing their employers blind.

The post State of the Profession 2019: We Need to Talk About Accounting’s Big PR Problem appeared first on Going Concern.

republished from Going Concern

[ulyssessklein]

Guitarist Tom Guerra Talks about His Music, American Garden and Mambo Sons

By: Rick Landers

Images courtesy: Tom Guerra

Tom Guerra

Some music lovers are “All Rounders” and shoulder the weight of their guitars, amps and other gear, yet also find the time to work in other areas of music beyond performing and recording.

Guitarist Tom Guerra also has a talent for writing and has interviewed musicians for Guitar Player, Guitar World, Vintage Guitar, Guitar International and others for a few decades.

Although, I’d guess he’d call himself a working musician, he’s now developing a following with his solo music, as well as albums and performances he’s done with colleagues in Mambo Sons.

His music has always been a mix of rock and pop, a bit of rave up and grit, always melodic, always catchy and oftentimes serving up life lessons or tributes to those he admires or elects to honor.

Guerra’s latest release, American Garden, is an eclectic mix that tracks well, without going off on some tangent. Guerra sticks to the knitting with solid and interesting riffs, adds some Tom Petty and Byrds jangle, grabbing influences and driving them home to make them his own. The production is excellent and serious….thoughtful.

Tom’s past work was cool, but on American Garden he’s raised the bar, and it’s evident that he paid close attention to every track, there’s no filler. Each song in its own way packs a punch. At first glance, the title track seems to be a novelty, but that quickly fades away the more you listen, catch the clever lyrics, give in to the trance-like groove and let the song take you to another place, a deeper place.

Tom Guerra reaches into his musical soul to make his music, keeps his love of rock and pop honest and genuine, no extra splash of glitter here, no frenzy. There’s even a cover of Brandi Carlile’s hit, written by Phil Hanseroth, “The Story” that captures the beauty of the original with its balladeer beginning, then the drums snap down on it with a heavy guitar riff and it’s off with a bit of a turgid heavy clip.

Singer, songwriter, music journalist, guitar aficionado….Tom Guerra has found a niche in the world of music that fits like a fist in a velvet glove….perfect.

******

Rick Landers: Your music career seems to be rather eclectic, not only in your style of music, but in the paths that you’ve taken to build a solid base of friends, fans and professional colleagues. How would you describe your path, any strategy or was this more happenstance, based on interests?

Tom Guerra: This have definitely progressed on an organic level, vs. a planned approach. Like in any field, if one’s been at something for a long time, meeting and clicking with certain people just sort of happens.  We [Mambo Sons] were on a label that got us known in places beyond our reach, so I am grateful for that. I’ve been playing and writing music for about forty years now, and for about half that time, have also been writing about music and musicians, so both paths have converged over time.

Rick: It seems your approach to songwriting doesn’t track in similar ways with songs that are rock, blues and some that venture into what some might call folk-style topical areas and more. I can only imagine that some are channeled from a collection of influences, but a few are clearly purposeful, intending to convey a message. How would you describe your spectrum of songwriting approaches?  

Tom Guerra: The thing I love about songwriting is that you start with a germ of an idea, be it a lyric or musical hook, and then can use different components to set a mood, or paint a certain picture.  By “components” I mean progressions, grooves, tempos, feel, clean vs. dirty tones. Arrangement and production also shapes things. Certain songs I have written have been very spontaneous, like “Nevermore” which kicks off the American Garden album, while others such as “Blood on the New Rising Sun” and the title track “American Garden,” were written to convey a message or to shed light on something I felt strongly about. As far as inspiration, we are all a collection of our influences filtered through our own imaginations.  

Rick: Making music is wonderful, but most would like to gain some bucks along the line. The music business has changed so much over the course of the past several decades, since you’ve been working at it, what course corrections have you had to make, and what are you learning now to keep the music alive, while pulling in some income?

Tom Guerra: You really have to put aside the old business model and figure out what is going to work best for your own situation.  About 20 years ago, people got the idea that they no longer had to pay for music. This concept was sort of fostered by indifference from the record industry, and then the whole model blew up.

So now, you have to get creative to survive in the music business. I have friends that do this by touring the world constantly, selling merchandise to supplement ticket sales. Others I know have created new market opportunities in other ways, writing jingles, doing lessons via Skype, writing for guitar publications…Some get into the gear aspect of the business, buying and selling guitars, parts, amps…On a personal level, I am trying to get my music out there via much online promotion, college radio station promotion, and have been doing ok selling both physical albums and downloads.

Rick: You’ve rubbed shoulders with The Yardbirds quite a bit, including writing some for the current members, right? How’d that come about and what was that like?

Tom Guerra: I’ve been friends with their bassist Kenny Aaronson for years…he played on the first Mambo Sons album back in ’99.  When I started doing my solo records, I asked Kenny to play on them because besides being a world class bassist, has such great ideas and we’re both cut from the same rock and roll cloth. He is a great collaborator as well. So about a year and a half ago, The Yardbirds decided to do a new album of original material. At the time, the band featured Johnny A. on lead guitar and they were just on fire.

Anyway, Kenny called me up one night and asked if I’d be willing to collaborate with him on songs for this record, and of course I jumped at the chance. Over the next several months, we developed about a half dozen songs and took three to completion.  When you are writing for another band, you take what you consider to be the best qualities of that band and use those as parameters to help you shape the songs. For The Yardbirds, I thought those qualities include great guitar lines, socially conscious lyrics and strong hooks.

So, the three songs, “Goodbye to Yesterday,” “Family of One,” and “The Lyin’ King” were presented to the band and the producer, Jack Douglas, who I am told really dug what we’d done. The band was in process of learning the tunes in preparation to record them when I got word that they’d pulled the plug on the record, disappointingly.  Kenny and I had put so much into these songs, which we both thought were very strong, that I said “these are going on my next album,” which I was working on at the same time. So they all appear on “American Garden…”

Rick:  I’d really like to hear the story about how you ended up with that white Strat, that I think is on loan to the RnR Hall of Fame…

Tom Guerra with his Howling’ Wolf guitar that he loaned to the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame.

Tom Guerra: Sure…About 20 years ago, I bought a well worn white 1963 Strat that quite frankly, reeked of whiskey and cigarettes, and had the letters “LIL BILL” on the pickguard.  This was in the early days of the internet, but I typed “LIL BILL” and “GUITAR” into the search engine, and up popped a pic of an old bluesman with another guitar that also said “LIL BILL” on the pickguard.  His name was Alex “Lil Bill” Wallace, and he played an important part in blues history as he was the guy that convinced B.B. King to sing the blues vs. gospel. He was still alive, and living in a nursing home down in Greenville, Mississippi.

I sent him pics of the guitar and then called him a week or so later. Not only did he identify the guitar, but said that it once belonged to Howlin’ Wolf.

Of course I was skeptical, never even having seen Wolf with a Strat, so I then got in touch with Wolf biographer Mark Hoffman, who sent me several pictures from 1964 of Wolf playing a relatively new white Strat with a  distinctive chip in the upper treble bout. I remember going home that night and comparing those pics to the Strat, and getting a chill when I saw that same chip in the horn.

Later on, Hubert Sumlin (Wolf’s long time guitarist) verified the guitar and Wallace’s son collaborated how Wolf with stay with his father when he went back to Mississippi, and how his father got the guitar from him.  After a story about this axe ran in a guitar magazine, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame contacted me and asked if they could display it as part of their “Roots of Rock” section. They’ve had it for the past three years now…

Rick: How did the Mambo Sons come together and how do you all keep things working constructively and keeping it fun? Who brings what to the party?

Tom Guerra: Mambo Sons initially came together as a songwriting collaboration with my friend of almost four decades, Scott Lawson Pomeroy.  Scott and I went to college together and have always shared a love of the same type of music. He’s very active to this day with several New England based bands, and is an immensely talented singer/songwriter.

By the late ‘90’s, I had built a nice little studio and we really amped up our writing partnership. Over the next ten years, we put out four albums, our last being the double album called “Heavy Days,” and played a ton of shows around New England. We were on a little indie label called Omnicide Records, and the owner was a great guy named Marko Van Der Werff.  Marko got our music to Eastern Europe, where we charted.

Sadly, right after we put out the double album, Marko passed away after being hit by a drunk driver. That was it for Omnicide Records, and after doing the double album, we were kind of burnt out, so we agreed to put the band on hold as we both pursued other musical endeavors. Since then, we have gotten together for several shows each year, and have brought in special guests including Jack Sonni of Dire Straits to round out the band.

We are playing this summer to help promote my American Garden album, and the band consists of our longtime drummer Joe “The Cat” Lemieux, a great guitarist / vocalist named Russ Waesche, Scott and me.

Rick: Hey, yeah…great new release with American Garden. I loved the dark humor of the title track and the chopper, the cover of Carlile’s “The Story” and the others, and the production was excellent. Who’d you work with the get the production side of it down so well and how’d you work together?

Tom Guerra: Thank you for noticing the production.  As with the Mambo Sons albums and my first two solo records, I was the only producer.  I think the key to good production is good arrangements, and having an idea of what you want the listener to focus on throughout the song. When you start to have songs with 20+ tracks, it is very important that the mixes retain clarity.

Mixing is itself an artform and can be very time consuming, yet taking your time to get the mixes as clear and dynamic as possible is critical. Once I start to get the mixes close to where I think they need to be, I listen on several different systems, including car stereos, and tweak from there.  Once they are together, they are sent to a mastering house for the final sparkle, and I have had a great experience with John Scrip of Massive Mastering in Chicago, who has done my three solo albums.

Rick: Since I brought it up, how about giving us the background on the Vietnam era track (“American Garden”) and how that song evolved or was it a straight from the hip, quick draw writing thing?

Tom Guerra: Over the years, I have listened to many Vietnam veterans tell their stories, experiences of returning home and feeling survivor’s guilt, nightmares, PTSD, struggles to make sense of what they’d seen and done, sometimes being rejected by their fellow Americans.

The verses here are their stories, and the chorus is my take on how they were treated…In tracking that, I used an eBow through a flanger to give it a kind of spacey sound, and Kenny helped me produce the vocal on that to make it sound a bit psychotic.  That song has taken on legs since an Austrian artist named Berndt Ertl approached me about illustrating the lyrics in a video, and he did a great job.

Rick: As a Tom Petty fan I was pleased to hear “Walls” covered and the Petty style vocal was evident on at least one other song. And, of course, some of that Petty/Byrds jangle going on. What’s the connection, if any, you have with him?

Tom Guerra: Tom Petty was one of America’s great songwriters, and dedicated every move to making the song better.  His songs transcended trends, as great songs tend to do and his influences were the greatest songwriters of his generation, from Dylan to the Beatles to the Brill Building songsters.

Plus, he was a Traveling Wilbury [Laughs]. As a songwriter, I admire him immensely…I have hung out with The Heartbreakers, interviewed Mike Campbell a few times and have gotten to play some of his guitars, and we share some mutual friends, so I did feel a connection.  On the night Tom passed, I had realized what we had lost, and a few days later, I recorded “Walls” as my tribute to him. The trem drenched solo in it is something that I did as a tribute to Mike.

Rick: What projects are underway, solo or with the Mambo Sons?

Tom Guerra: Mambo Sons continues to play shows, and we’re doing some of “American Garden” live, which is cool.  As always, I am continuing my writing, and have talked with former Yardbirds guitarist Johnny A about covering “Family of One,” one of the tunes that Kenny and I wrote for that band.

I also am looking forward to doing more with Jon Butcher, who played on “Blood on the New Rising Sun” from American Garden. I want to keep collaborating with different people as well, as most of the joy I get from music nowadays is from the creation of new songs.

Rick:  There are plenty of great young musicians today who are looking to have careers in the music industry. What kinds of advice would you give them before they fall into some of the traps that can pop up along the way?

Tom Guerra: I would just say “everything in moderation,” except for maybe in the process of discovering new music.  I would also advise anyone looking to have a career in music to be flexible and to stay in school for as long as possible to learn the type of skills which would enable you to make a living, in any field.

Rick: What kind of rig are you playing at gigs and what guitar’s your “go to” at home to noodle around with to “find” some new songs?

Tom Guerra: Over the years, I’ve used Ampegs, Marshalls, Fenders, but for my recent live shows, I am alternating between a Colby-dtb-50 and an old Vox AC30 TB.  I have a couple pedalboards that I use as well, which contain the stuff that players of my generation use, including an old Tubescreamer, a wah and an analog delay.

In terms of “go to” guitars that I tend to write on, I have several…For Strats, it tends to be a maple necked 1970 4 bolt that has a nice spank to it, and for a Gibson, it’s a P90 equipped Les Paul goldtop which I’ve owned for about 35 years.  For acoustic, my ’63 Gibson LG-1 is never far out of reach and many ideas start with that guitar.

Rick: Having a solid music career these days is tough, how much of it is luck and how much of it is hard work and perserverance?

Tom Guerra: The guys I know that are recognized as top tier stars will tell you that it’s a combination of luck and hard work and I would agree.

[samtheflamingomain]

dear danny,

You started writing me the first week of July, just before the breakup. I was there for the whole thing - well, 4100km away - but still there. I saw the before, the middle and the ultimate end.

Before was when you didn't talk about him much and it didn't seem like he was a big part of your life. The middle was when you started telling me that things were going downhill. The end was, not when you broke up officially, but when you knew it was over.

I've watched a huge change over the last four months. You changed. I remember June Danny, who knew he had some problems but who seemed content with much of his life. Then I saw July Danny slowly realize what was coming. I like to think it was a bit like "waking up". You called it "putting [your] life on 'play' after being ‘paused’ so long".

I saw Paused Danny in the early weeks. And to be honest, looking back, I kind of felt you were on pause, even from across the continent.

I'm so glad I get to see you on 'play'. I like to think I helped a bit with that - not that one should rely on another person to be happy, and not that you couldn't have pressed play without me. I just hope I helped in some way.

You described feeling alone after the breakup, which, despite my constant internet presence, is understandable. You also said you didn't like how it ended - also understandable given the situation you were stuck in for a month.

But enough about him and you. I want to talk about me and you.

You write to me because you love writing to me and telling me everything, and I understand when I can and just listen when I can't. You say this is a quality you don't find in other friends.

Neither do I - it's taken me ten years of teaching Connor how to talk to me when I'm depressed. My therapist has taught me a lot about how to help others just by the way she talks and responds.

I think it's a rare quality to have someone understand and listen without judgement or suggestions for quick fixes is because humans are very judgemental and solution-oriented. This, I think, is a sociological phenomenon. But no need to get all philosophical.

My point here is that it takes a lot for people to learn how to overcome their social hard-wiring and realize how to actually communicate effectively and how to handle different people. If you’d met me 4 or 5 years ago, I would’ve been uselessly dickish. But we learn.

And we are different. We're special and we're odd, like you wrote. Well, you wrote that I'm special. I just fixed that for you.

Another thing you wrote about was expectations and low self-esteem, which I think go hand-in-hand more than most people would realize.

See, when you have low self-esteem or social anxiety, one of your main concerns is that you're "not (good) enough". We believe that others have a certain set of expectations that "normal" or "good" people should meet up to. There definitely is some truth to that thanks to social structure (wearing clothes in public is an expectation that we all agree is good) but it doesn't go as far as we think.

My main worry, thanks to my parents, is "getting in trouble". I'm afraid that others' expectations are such that if I make a mistake or similar, that that will breach their set of expectations of me.

But that's usually just not true. Most people, myself included, have an understanding that nobody's perfect. I think this plays into perfectionism a lot - the perfectionist doesn't realize that nobody holds the set of expectations where they must be perfect at all times.

"Desire is the direct cause of human suffering" is a Buddhist concept I've turned over in my mind a lot. It definitely has a lot of truth in it, but there are obvious exceptions. Desiring your friend to succeed doesn't tend to bring about suffering.

I think "having expectations" is a form of desire that does cause suffering. So it became very easy for me to stop having them. In a similar vein to "aim low and avoid disappointment", but more zen. More like  "aim low and be pleasantly surprised if something good happens, but don't expect it."

Low self-esteem is a big part of most of the fears and worries you talk about, too. "Am I even worth meeting?" Of course I'd say "fuck yes" but I know that doesn't make the visceral, instinctual worry disappear. All I can do is keep saying it till you believe it. Neuroplasticity, the concept that explains habits and thought patterns. Do something enough and your brain literally changes shape as you absorb it over and over. It's why we get trapped in our same thought patterns and worries, and it's also why I can't stop drinking.

I hate to keep vomiting quotations at you but one more: "Well you'll never find it/If you're looking for it" from Blue and Yellow by The Used (another song that makes me think of you actually).

Anyway, that concludes my ridiculously long segment on expectations. Join us next week for a philosophical breakdown of the meaning of life.

Let's jump elsewhere.

"I want to be my best self when we meet". You are. There is no "Ultimate Form of Danny" that exists. That person would be fluent in every language, be able to play every instrument and every sport. Humans can only do so much with the time we're given. Don't spend it trying to achieve Ultimate Danny. That's not to say we can't better ourselves and learn more, but if you get stuck on "being the best" it's easy to let the perfectionism and low self-esteem back in. Just be. That's how we grow naturally.

You talk a lot about how much you fear meeting me in person. I've beaten the horse to death but it's because of those non-existent expectations and the low self-esteem and the neuroplasticity that make our fears, and time that makes them grow.

Like you said, maybe you'll cry, maybe you'll freeze, maybe you'll feel exposed. And all those things are fine and not the end of the world. I'm still me in the flesh, the me you've grown to know and love just by text. Also keep in mind your own expectations building: if you build me up too much in your mind - I know you're afraid of disappointing me - but I'd be more likely to disappoint you.

That's why I know you won't disappoint me: I have no expectations and therefore no overwhelming fears. I do of course have low self-esteem, but I've learned so much about it over the years that I know now that it just stands in the way of life. I've learned not to stew on it but instead to acknowledge, "hey, maybe this thing you're afraid of is because of your low self-esteem and expectations from yourself and others?" It takes practice.

Let's talk about feelings~! Yours were confused pre- and post-breakup. You recognized that I was there for support, but I know exactly how confusingly and subtly feelings of "wanting more" from a good friend can creep up on you.

I can't remember if I've told you, but I used to think I was in love with Connor. I randomly came across the word "limerence" one day - an emotion that seems like love but is actually just extreme possessiveness and desperation. I didn't love him, I just possessively and desperately wanted him to return my feelings. It's very common for people with few relationships and bad parents to go through this, and some people never get over it (but, with a little help from our good friend therapy, I did). It's hard to describe but well worth the read of the Wikipedia page.

I say this because I want you to know that I really do understand how confusing feelings can be. While I (thought) I was in love the first time I saw him and did so for the next 12 years of my life, it crept up on me in that it got worse and worse. For a while after I got through it, it was extremely confusing to navigate how I felt about him. It took a while, but eventually I picked out the emotions: bitterness, rejection, platonic love and codependence. Once you can name them, you can trace them back to where they come from. Bitterness and rejection from him not returning my feelings, platonic love from being friends for so long, and codependence from the fact that he was the only person that I cared about for almost my whole life.

Anyway, sorry for that tangent. My point is that emotions suck.

And it segues into my next point of interest, "unresolved issues" that you mentioned. Once you were able to pick apart your feelings about Nic and about me, there were still more things to disassemble. Gender, living situations, the future. All these things are ongoing; it's hard to process things that are still in motion, so try not to get too hung up on them. Take things as they come. There's always time to analyse who we are and where we're going - so much so that we spend our entire lives trying to "resolve" these unresolvable "issues". ‘Tis the nature of life. 

You feel fake, cynical, like you're pretending. I'm sure the term "Imposter syndrome" isn't new to you, but it's yet another part of low self-esteem. I also suffer from Imposter syndrome on the extreme end. So much so that I spent nearly my whole life trapped with the belief that "I'm not a real person". "Pretending to be fine" falls into this category a bit, along with the categories of "having expectations" and "social conditioning". I can't tell you how to fix this one, since I can't fix it for myself, but what's helped is having someone constantly challenging these feelings. Neuroplasticity takes care of the rest.

At the end of "August", you say you're excited and you want to quash your fears via rationality and logic. This works to an extent, but it's not the cure. For example, I /know/ I'm a living, breathing, thinking person, but I still /believe/ that I'm not. Logic and rationality have a hard time digging past what we "know" to affect what we "believe".

You almost didn't send "September". I'm glad you did, obviously. You told me why you wanted to talk to me and how, with the conclusion of "Folly", I piqued your interest. I never get messages about my stories so when I do, I always reply. I rarely give people I've never met my Facebook, but I didn't want to be rude; you'd sent me a lot of messages asking if I was okay and how I was doing, so I figured you'd earned it in a way, despite how weird that sounds.

I figured, like the last time I did give a reader my Facebook, I'd be stuck with someone filling up my feed with stuff from across the globe that I have no involvement or interest in. I already scroll through my feed weeding out the stupid memes and videos as it is; I only use it to keep track of what others are doing with their lives and how people from high school are doing. I never used the messenger much at all.

But much to my surprise, you actually wanted to talk to me and be friends and tell each other things. I'd never had an internet friend before so it was interesting to pick apart how I felt about it.

I guess at first I was kind of detached, the same way one might if one was in a Twitter argument: the internet makes everyone else feel almost anonymous or unreal. I found myself wishing several times that you too had a Tumblr full of your life stories that I could pour through to get to know you.

When I first met Ayla, that's how she got to know me. That's how you got to know me. It's also how I spent my first 2 therapy sessions - I brought in my Tumblr and my journals and watched her read them and then paid her 100$.

Because it works. It's like an instruction manual for how the person thinks, what they've been through, what they need help with. If you have all the background laid out, conversations become easier once talking actually starts.

So, thrown into a conversation with someone I've never met in real life or talked to with no background was... interesting. While I wished I could've just read everything about you, I got to experience it in real-time. That's how it works in real life for the most part, so it slowly made you feel more and more real to me, and matter more and more in my life.

You wrote that you thought we connected so well was due to lack of attention on your end. That our connection made you guilty at first, having your emotional needs met by someone who wasn't Nic.

I too actually felt guilty about it. I worried if I was being a sort of homewrecker. That, I think, right before you ended it with him, was when I started to fall for you. I have a bad habit of falling for close friends, but this was markedly different.

You mentioned the distance working in our favor, giving us the time and "safety" to get to know each other as friends. For me, it also worked because I knew I really fell for you as a person. Whenever I'd fall for friends in the past, the lack of distance was my biggest problem. I spent so much time around them that I grew almost obsessed or attached, kind of like with Connor. I guess with 4100km between us it felt more genuine. I talked to you every day, but I didn't see you, I wasn't physically there. I really don't know why I fall for friends easily, but actually being around them makes me think about them a lot, which makes me fall for them.

I thought about you a lot too, but I guess the fact that I could step away from the phone at any time to chill or think about something else was a form of my "safety wall". Please don't be insulted, I truly believe this is a big part of simply being introverted.

My absolute favourite part of your letters is "But nothing gets past Sam, right?" I laughed because that's usually true except in this case. Your non-platonic feelings whizzed over my head. I've actually wondered why you thought it was obvious - are you more subtle than you think or am I more imperceptive than I think? Probably the latter. 

At the same time, I did have an inkling. You thought I was attractive and interesting, and the fact that we talked all day every day all made me think that it was possible you liked me. When you started talking about how hard it can be to talk about serious stuff and can I ask you an Important Serious Question, I pretty much knew what the next text would be. As I watched the little ellipses flash by as you typed, I got stupid happy and filled with butterflies. I hate that cliché but there's really no other way of expressing that sensation in English. Weird.

Anyway, when you first asked if I'd be against becoming more than just friends, I wasn't sure what to think. I'd never even had a super-long-distance friend before let alone a super-long-distance boyfriend. I told you the truth, "not necessarily", because I was still hung up on the distance.

But then I realized that it was the only thing I was hung up on.

I did an LDR with Ayla for seven months out of our ten together. And our breakup had nothing to do with the distance. Before things started going downhill, I was fine with the distance. I did, of course, wish I could've seen her more, but like I've believed from the start, emotional connection knows no time zone. And again, for me, emotional connection trumps all else in any relationship or friendship.

So once I thought about it, how it worked (on a smaller scale) in the past, I put that worry to bed. Then I had no other worries.

I'm generally not a worrier, though I used to be. I've thoroughly learned to accept things as they come and to let go of what I can't control. I accepted that we were a continent apart and that I can't control how you feel or how things would end up going.

That's not to say I haven't had my doubts, wondering, like you, if it's too soon after Nic, if it might ruin our friendship. But those seemed pretty insignificant to me; I've never let a romantic relationship ruin a friendship before and you seemed to have had some good self-reflection and recovery time. After all, you were the one to bring it up.

So then I was just excited and happy that you liked me how I liked you. I, too, am a fan of people who listen, don't judge and put in time and energy into a relationship. I too am mentally ill. I too have shitty parents. I too have terrible days. We were the same in a lot of important areas, and where we differed only made for good conversation and learning.

I'm not a particularly mushy person - at least not to the extent you are - so I have a hard time going on and on about how much I like you and want to see you like you seem able to do. Maybe it's another introvert thing.

But I too want what you want. I want you, your emotions, your face, your thoughts. I want to play piano for you and write long-ass posts about you.

You finished by bringing up the concept of overthinking. Again, not something I tend to do, but I know you definitely do. You mentioned a bunch of things you were worried about and then ask, "You'll say it's fine - then what?" To which I reply: nothing. Then we continue to be. Worries come and go, sometimes we dwell on them, sometimes we resolve them. It's only by either addressing what you can control or accepting what you can't that puts worries to bed – and, either way, usually not forever.

It is fine to overthink. It's not necessarily helpful, but it's a part of low self-esteem, mental illness, and even just part of life for some people.

I like you as you are. You are fine as you are. Being with someone means accepting their faults and still caring about them. We all have faults - worrying that we worry too much, overthinking, perfectionism - but I know that and still care about you. That's why I'm still here and will continue to be.

Finally, your last question: "What do you want?" I answered that a bit a few novels paragraphs ago, but I'll say it again: you. Everything about you. I want to be your Attractive Canadian Boyfriend and for you to be my Attractive American Boyfriend. I want us to fall in love and somehow end up at least in the same time zone. Fade to black.

I'm not complicated: I just want all you have to give.

Well, it’s not 20 pages, but it is 3500 words. I hope you enjoyed them.

Love Sam

(And Stay Greater, my Flamingo)