#and i was only miserable for a few hours
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you know, i don’t really mind being sick. I guess it’s because i pretty much always feel like shit anyway, and least when i’m sick people let me act like it. I find the sensations that come with it fun to complain about as well. Fun to put the specific aches and off-feelings into words. I like being miserable in ways i can describe and others can relate to.
#just my luck#my immune system’s fair impenetrable#to the common cold at least#but im also the only one i know who didn’t get covid#the last time i was sick#it was from eating an entire jar of spicy pickles#and i was only miserable for a few hours#this tendency rears up severely#if i get less than four hours of sleep two nights in a row#i feel all light and muffled and like circulation to my head is pinched off#and get a little too interested in that#and start wondering how long i can keep it up#and how long i can go without eating#and how long i can hold my breath#and then i have to beat back that idiocy with a broom#and get myself a sandwich and a nap#before i end up nocturnal and fainting in bathrooms
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This is all because I wanted to draw Arven with a lil braid and it got out of control with me letting my kids be friends.
Some formal event and Arven is like "I'll bring this along because Penny will probably have one" and then they don't have one so he has to give them his. And he's like "ok so i have heard of a security blanket but not a security boa......".
#pkmn sv#arven#penny#look at my children i was thinking about them recently#and spent like two hours looking through fanart of them and another guy from sv and it uh#made me really miss them#no i have not beaten dlc (i started the first part but didnt get far in it) so please dont talk to me about dlc#i have only done base game e4 and then a few gym battle test evaluations#i just love my kids ok#penny thinking the sunglasses will make them unable to be seen crying in social anxiety#and then failing miserably and sobbing over a security boa but they do get it and the evening goes fine after that#thank you
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most of all i hate the govt for letting everyone in our parents generation drink lead contaminated water so that i (uncontaminated) have to deal with my parents and in laws completely insane unhinged detached from reality decision making and thought processes
#im not being mean they are fucking insane#my mom asking me to drag my toddler across the ocean in a 20 hour plane ride and complete time flip to attend a wedding#and this is only a few weeks after im supposed to move my entire family and all my things across the country??? are you out of your fucking#meanwhile my mother in law is like hey can you drive your toddler 6 hours in one day to see me for an hour so i can show off my grandkid in#front of my fuckass bitch family who is in town for god knows what#are you both out of your minds???? what the fuck is wrong with you all??????????????????#fuck!!#imagine being so selfish that you don’t even see how unreasonable all this is lol like yeah im gonna put my toddler through all this when#nobody’s visiting her or calling to ask how she is she’s not a fucking accessory or a pet she is a person#fuck the world#also my parents put me through so much as a kid to visit people and travel and i was miserable I am NOT putting her through that too#they are useless#fuck the govt fuck the boomers fuck the world goodbye
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really trying to get ahead of the fourth of july shitshow this year. started pushing corid on every young or new rabbit in the barn; they'll have it well in their system by the time the fireworks start, and i might offer chamomile to the older ones that i'm not worried about getting ill from eating things off the ground. for the hoofies i bought a calming paste to try so that maybe this year i won't be shooting one of my goats the next day 🙃
unfriendly reminder that if you fire fireworks near livestock i hate you and i hope you get a really big boil directly on your asshole
#actually i don't think the public should have access to fireworks in general#because it's not just livestock that suffer#plenty of pets children people with autism people with ptsd or just people who don't want to hear explosions for five hours#and if you try to say anything or ask for accomodation you're RUINING OUR FREEDOM#i guess the freedom to not be terrified or lose money on dead animals isn't as important#anyway i hate the fourth of july so much#the only saving grace is that people in my neighbourhood are good about obeying the 'fireworks are illegal every other day of the year' rul#so i don't have to put up with it for weeks#just a few miserable hours#ag talk
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God the loneliness has been hitting real bad since yesterday
#vent#not many irl friends to hang out with#i signed up for an event tomorrow and monday but#so many online friends but none that are either available or that I'm cozy with to talk#my best irl friend has been so busy for months that we barely exchange a few texts a day#and the larger friend group i had has been gone for months#it fucking sucks man i feel miserable#sure i get out and go outside and like volunteer and stuff but that's not friendship yknow#i spend maybe like 2-4 hours a WEEK talking to someone who isn't family#it's not enough i miss having friends and i miss being able to see people in person#all the ppl i relied on either left or are too fucking busy to talk#on certain days of the week i can reliably spend the whole day not once talking to a real life person. like today#it's slowly getting to the point that i'm getting existential dread and anxiety just from existing#because the only thing i can reliably look forward to every day is being fucking alone
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apparently it's race week wtf??? i have a 10PM shift though so.....
#amgf is yapping. . .#another proof of life!!!#once i get abhang of this internship i might post something#but y'all i don't even want to do anything when i get home#but thw internship is a fun and learning experience i'm very much enjoying the labs and working in an actual hospital#i had my doubts in the first few days but thought i would've never have this experience in a different hospital#that's just a could've would've situation that aside i'm learning alot and they have a vitros 5600??? yo i only saw that in books it's cool#a bit intimidated using it but i'm not assigned in cc yet so i'm just looking around the ropes on how to operate the machine 🤧#12 hour shifts which are actually kinda bearable and miserable 2 pm shifts#i'm looking forward for my day off but i might study instead so... yeah!#see y'all soon
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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i hate hanging out with kids because of the way people treat kids and the social rules surrounding speaking out when you don't like how a kid is being treated. like, if you're hanging out with a group of adults and one of the adults is cruel to another, there are many ways to say, "hey, don't treat them like that." or you can even ignore that person and tell the person who was wronged, "i can't believe they were so cruel to you." but with kids you're really not supposed to say anything at all unless it's your kid. and it's crazy because the stakes are so much higher. an adult being treated cruelly has so much more agency. they can leave, they can speak up and probably be listened to, they can be cruel back and not immediately be vilified. a kid usually just has to endure it. and judging by personal experience they don't even internalise it as "that person is cruel" it's more like "this is normal treatment."
#it's such a minor example but last time i saw my babiest cousin he had a messy nose so i grabbed a kleenex#and everybody said 'ohh he hates when you wipe his nose' but then i did it and he just rolled with it#and everyone was like 'wow so weird!' and then i became the nose wiper for the next few hours#and it was kind of an ongoing puzzle that he'd just let me swipe at his face repeatedly#then i saw someone else do it and realised what it is is he doesn't like it when someone scrubs the fuck out of his face#which i can personally relate to quite a lot#so i said 'oh that's what it is i'm just way gentler with the tissue'#and i got a dirty look and an awkward pause ☹️#like every time i go hang out with him there's always something like that where i feel like i'm pissing everyone off by having an opinion#meanwhile these same people keep rapists around like it's nothing#i got invited to see the baby this weekend and i don't even know if i should#i love him but the older he gets the more moments of 😨 i'll experience#and judging by experiences with my now-teenage cousins it will only get worse and even more high stakes#it was miserable finding out my 16 year old high school dropout cousin was astronomically high every day and had been for six months#and no one else really thought much of it at all#i hate this fucking family :'(#adam yaps
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One day I'm going to finish my FFXVI mega essay, but for now I think my thoughts on the game can be summarized like this:
When making FFXVI, the developers sure knew what they wanted to do, and by god were they going to do it.
Were they also going to do other things that would make those first thing better? Were they going to do other things that make a good game overall? Ehhhhh...they were going to do what they wanted to do, and invest all their time and effort into that, so surely that would be enough! Surely!
#i saw someone call FFXVI the most disappointing 8/10 game they'd ever played#and i agree 100%#it started off SO STRONG#and then. and then!!!#ffxvi#my overall rating is in fact an 8 out of 10. maybe 8.5. definitely not a 9#i enjoyed many parts of it but by god were the lows low#some of the highs were very high too! i don't regret buying or playing the game! i'm glad i did#but yeah most disappointing 8/10 i ever played is an apt description#my opinion might be slightly impacted by my uh. mental state at the time#2023 was not a good year for me. for several months ffxvi was the only thing i had to look forward to in life#and that's really sad but that was just the place i was in. life was absolutely miserable#i played the demo and was over the moon. good things were coming! it was way better than i anticipated!#then i played the game and while i enjoyed a lot of it a lot was just tedious in a bad way#so many repeated plotlines and so much whacking you over the head with the points they wanted to make#like come on guys i am not an idiot do you really need to tell me this exact thing 18 different times#and have me go out of my way to get. reward which is just a slightly different flavor of that same thing 18 times#that's what i mean by them doing a few things very well. by god were they going to do them. and only them#graphics? beautiful. i had to stop at several points bc i was stunned by the quality.#but after you've seen a few forests and some fallen ruins it gets boring when that's it. the world was just so small and empty#yes i do support the rise up against your oppressor plotlines because that is a good thing to do but that was like. 90% of the story#(including sidequests) and it just kind of got old. why did i just spend 3 hours straight doing sidequests that gave me nothing new#made some of the sidequests feel pointless. especially because the rewards in this game sucked#uh oh i'm getting too negative so i'll end it here#ffxvi was a good game but it is not one of my faves. glad i played it but idk when i'll play it again.#erurandomness
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okay goodnight 😴 car tomorrow
#I MADE IT THROUGH EASTER!! and i was only horribly miserable for a few hours there#i feel a lot better now. excited about the trip... excited about new books i have to read... etc#hopefully [redacted] is enough to hold me over for the next week. okay goodnightttt#happy tdov also. 🏳️⚧️ 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵 hooray#.txt
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me and half my cohort is on the verge of a mental breakdown and we're only partway through week 3 of this semester. can everything please slow the fuck down i am dying
#and it's only gonna get worse in a few weeks for me!!! when clinical instrumentation starts#but at least that's only three (miserable miserable) weeks#after which it will all get much better#i'll only have two 12 hour days a week instead of 3-4 🥴#i need it to be mid october already#or even better - fucking december when the semester is ending#ugh i hope i don't end up hating my placement too#i had my first full day today and the vibes were weird#cause i'm stuck with that all semester#j.txt#here is that grad school tag
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ohh i did NOT think i’d be asleep until 11pm
#me: im sure i’ll only be asleep for a few hours i can never nap for too long even after all nighters#six fucking hours later uh- KSMDBF#I WAS RIGHT. NOT HERE TONIGHT#i’m probably just gonna pass out again within the hour💀#⁂ ･ﾟ: i was looking for a job‚ and then i found a job‚ and heaven knows i’m miserable now ➛ ooc
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I was talking about how fucked up was my friend's job at the supermarket, since she basically was working all jobs there and getting paid not even one, also she overworked every day thus her week was a full 60+ hours more or less.
And what did my parents say?
"Well that's why you should work in the school."
Their first thought was pointing out the privileges of working for the State instead of siding with those who have to do private jobs and earn shit for overworking.
When I replied: "Yes, well and who's gonna supply those supermarkets where you buy all this stuff?"
They literally had nothing to say, they just muttered some excuses like "So what you should be the one to do that kind of work?"
NO KAREN I mean to say that you don't need to work for the State to get a fucking good job that you probably still don't enjoy but at least pays you well and maybe gets you some free time to actually do what you like.
This is what I mean when I say 'what a fucked up world we live in'
#momochats#this is why i cannot stand this type of mentality#this is how most of people think and this is so fucking miserable honestly#you spit on people who do the actual work#because i knew for a thing that the school doesn't work at all#another very fucked place where the only important thing is having parents on your side and letting kids do whatever they want#but at least you geta decent pay and few hours#things that everyone should get at the very least
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Brother I am just so tired
#every few days its like. ok well maybe im moving on maybe ive got my feelings under control maybe im working through this fine#and then I have some stupid fuckin dream that leaves me feeling like theres a black hole in my chest for the rest of the day#and all i can do is try to distract myself from it keep busy do things study read make shit work work work work sleep 10 hours a day#and i still go back to This no matter how hard i try to fix my damn life. yeah yeah im coping im not actively destroying myself or whatever#ive gotten better at getting better. but im still fucking miserable and escapism can only get you so far#i need a lobotomy fr#anyways.
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