#and i wanted another lamb that is just really emotionally and mentally the opposite of chimera bc theyre so stoic

[cult-of-the-rizz]

I have another lamb that I finally got around to drawing I just call him ushant for now

he's 4'11 and his neurons have been so fried from being resurrected so many times he usually just thinks with his dagger more than with logic. ushant never physically has the crown on his head bc it's always in dagger form under his cloak.

he also has an affinity for. squid. they're kinda bad together but uuuh maybe I'll make it work out good? idfk

[montanababe7]

Unshakable: One Woman's Journey from Desperation to Wholeness in Jesus Jessica's Autobiography: My Story & Devotional  (She was conditioned to believe she was broken. For years, this woman had bought into the lie that her only value stemmed from other people's perceptions of her.  She desperately wanted to believe that she could have a will of her own.  Instead, every decision and choice she made while growing up was dictated  by her birth mother).     I was depressed and suicidal for years. Honestly, I didn't see any other way out. I just felt stuck. The best way I can describe this feeling was picturing a wind up doll with string. Someone else was controlling the movement of the doll. Picture Pinocchio and the evil puppet Meister. He didn't actually care about Pinocchio or any of the other puppets in his control, all he cared about was the profits he would gain from them and how they would make him look in town. Every accomplishment I ever made was for my mom's benefit, not mine. I wasn't even allowed to go into town without makeup on; because God forbid if one of her fellow work associates or potential business clients saw me with her and I ruined her business. At one point, she even told me that no man would ever love or even notice me if I wasn't wearing makeup or my hair was perfectly dolled up. The song: the real me by Natalie Grant mirrors the sad life I knew while growing up. She even mentioned that my eyes were mouse like without any makeup on and that the guy who said I was butt ugly without makeup make on, but gorgeous with it on had a point. My own mother said this about me. Her words crushed me. What mother would do this to her own child. My father was the opposite, he has always been so loving. He told me that I am a natural beauty and that makeup should only enhance it. Another sad truth, One year, the church we attended as a family, they were putting together a young adults group, I told my mom how excited I was to go and make great friends. She told me that I wasn't allowed to because God forbid I go and meet the wrong one. So as you can see, it was one thing after the other. I felt like repunzel from tangled. I was wanted to live my own life, but I was her flower to use emotionally. Nevermind the fact that I was dead inside. Every chance I made to succeed in college, she put a stop to. Blackmails and ultimatums were her speciality. It didn't matter how much mascara I went through. I always ran out. I even gave her my end of the year tax return money out of guilt because of the passive aggression she used to imply I was a terrible daughter for not being grateful to live at the Minnesota home for free aside from endless housework. It broke my heart to see my other siblings flourishing and happy. They weren't on a tight leash. They were free. Not me. The only comfort I had was my friends over messenger. It felt like I was only a allowed a fake life when housework was perfect by her standards. She even dumped my ex boyfriend through a letter she wrote to him. I didn't even have a say in that either. So you see, nothing in that time in my life; I had a say in. Let's not forget, the pitiful lamb of the family garbage. She told me that it was my duty to be the lamb of the family. I was born to suffer and be sick for my family's sake. That God made weak so my siblings would. be strong.  What she told me through those years, was that God would handpick one person from every family to pay the price. That God had called me as a watchman on the wall. One day in college, I told her that I was done being the lamb of the family and it wasn't my job to intercede for them. She told me that if they died and went to hell; then their blood would be on my hands.  That woman was twisting God's word around for her own gain. Wow. So sad. Looking back, what a sad, pitiful woman who was bent on bringing to others for her own enjoyment. I was a victim to all of it and have been having ugly cry while writing this. I was so broken. It wasn't my choice. These were the sad circumstances of that time period. Somehow, miraculously, I never went through with suicide. I kept believing that Jesus had a better plan for my life than my current circumstances had deemed to say for me. Instead, I chose to focus on caring about others and reminding them of their value in Christ. I asked God to give me His heart for people.     Those stagnant years of living at my parents house, thankfully didn't last forever.      In 2012, I met my future husband. Through months of dating, God worked in Michael to break down all my deep walls of pain. He began praying for me. As he spoke words of life and words of knowledge over me, I began to see myself how God viewed me. One night, depression and suicidal thoughts hit hard. there was so much control and a man pleasing spirit in that house: I would see demons come through the walls in my old bedroom and my entire bedroom at night was blood red. The night I was gonna attempt suicide, the room was blood red. Both sides in the spiritual realm were fighting for my destiny😭. Jesus wanted me alive. The enemy wanted me dead. The reason I was ready to end it all, was because-all I saw was a never-ending life of housework and my mother's control. I wasn't allowed to have friends, she wouldn't permit me to date, she acted like God. At that point, I couldn't see a way out except for death. God pulled Michael into deep intercession mode for me. He began desperately praying for my life. He told me that God spoke to him, that my life was in imminent danger and he needed to pray immediately. I had planned on committing suicide. His intercession broke through the pain and I wanted to live. With a new lease on life, I began to think on what could be; instead of what couldn't. All at once I saw an opening I couldn't see before. Michael loved me unconditionally. His love for me was one without strings being attached. It was a love that was unfamiliar to me. He saw me. The real me. He saw my brokenness. The vulnerability and the rawness of a woman who been caged all her life. She was accustomed to a life of emotional chains. Don't go here and don't go there was her old normal. Her life had been completely shaped  by a woman who had been bent on usurping her energy and joy. With just once glance from my birth mother I'd freeze. I would go completely numb. Michael rescued me from that emotional prison. I felt a burst of freedom at the thought of finally escaping. He prayed for me when I needed it most. I am forever grateful for all the love he has poured into my life. God knew Michael was everything and more than I could have ever prayed for. Even typing this and doing a mental log of yesteryear, I am looking on this with new eyes shocked at just the travesty of all the hardships I endured and how Jesus held me throughout it all.    A few months later in 2013, Michael and I, got married. I moved away from my childhood home in MN to MT. The impact of being away from the woman who birthed me has been monumental. I not only fully forgave her; but I have also found the freedom to independence. For nearly 16 years, I made every effort to obtain my driver's permit and ultimately drive away to freedom, but to no avail.  (That was in MN).  that season was full of brokenness, but there was also so much of God's beauty that had broken through. Even in the darkest seasons and moments, I learned how strong I really am.     In Montana, I had very little trouble attaining my driver's permit and driver's license. But, that's only the beginning of my well being's transformation. I have gained a confidence of loving who I am and being comfortable in my own skin.  I have begun to discover who I really am. I am a loving wife to my wonderful husband, I have wonderful children, and I am so blessed with amazing friends that I consider family. Today, I see myself as a woman made strong by God's faithfulness. I am a woman who has been forged through the fire and pain. God has given me a compassion for those who have been made broken, because I know what it means to hit rock bottom and all you can do is to look up and cry out to God for help. I have prayed for friends throughout the night. God has moved mountains on our behalf time and time again. We have moved cross country twice. We have seen God do the impossible. I have cried till I felt there weren't any tears left. I remember days, when I didn't know how I would go on. The moments when money was tight; God provided. I have seen God come through for us time and time again. I have grown in my walk with God. I have prayed more and rejoiced more. There isn't anything our God can't do. I want to inspire others. Speaking into other people's lives. Pouring into them the truth of healing through Christ. I feel like a bird freed from the cage I was in. Looking back, I know I wouldn't have survived any of those onslaughts without Jesus. If I were someone else reading my story, I wouldn't have a clue how Jessica had survived all that.   This journey of discovery, has shed years of pain and trauma.  I'm on a mission to help others like myself become wholly free through Jesus. I want others to know the beauty of what it truly means to be free through Jesus. I want others to step forward into their best days for the rest of their life.  The Presence of Jesus has come in like a flood. Washing away every ounce of heartache and pain. I have asked Jesus to have every access of my heart. Everything is forever laid bare before the Author of all Time. The King of all kings. And the Lord of all Lords. Everyday . Every moment of my entire life. My very existence is His. I'm no longer holding back in fear. I am confident today because of Jesus. He paid the price for me. He made a way for me; even when I was broken.He made a way.   When all hope felt gone; Jesus Christ of Nazareth was right there. He made a way for me. This wholeness in Jesus that I have found, it is my prayer that other people will find themselves breaking free from pain of their past too. The beauty of becoming whole in Jesus is so delicious and is overwhelmingly satisfying. He reaches deep down into your heart. Healing you. Changing you deeply from the inside out and you simply are never the same again.   My prayer everyday, is that I will be the mother that my spiritual children and natural children need me to be.  Every day, I want to continually point them to Jesus. I want them to always see themselves through the loving eyes of their Heavenly Father.  My prayer for them, is that they will always know what it means to be loved unconditionally by a God who will never stop pursuing them and Who is madly in love with them. Even when I grow old, I pray that my life will be seen as an example of a woman who once felt so low and then God raised her up.     To my readers,  it is my prayer for you; that everyday, that you will discover just how much Jesus loves you. Death is never the answer. It is never the easy way out. God has instilled within you all so much purpose value. You are a tremendous gift. God has forever planted so many beautifully intricate things within you. He wants you to find out who you really are. Your life is not a mistake. You are not a mistake. You are a masterpiece from the very Hand of God. God created you with so much destiny. Begin to ask Jesus to forever reveal your identity. Every person has been born with a calling and a destiny on their life. Wherever you are right now, God wants you to stop doubting your value. He has a good plan for your life. Jeremiah 29:11. You matter. Remember, your mistakes do not define you. Ask Jesus for forgiveness of all the wrongs you have ever made. Allow Jesus to wash them away by His Precious Blood. Ask Jesus to come into your heart and life. Pray with me right now,   Jesus,  I know that I am sinner in need of a Savior. Rescue me. Change me. Save me. Redeem me. Please come into my heart. Be my Savior. Be my Lord. I am yours forever Lord God! Thank you Jesus for saving me writing/recording my name down in the Lamb's Book of Life. From this day forward, I am a Christian. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen!       My dear friend,   If you just prayed that prayer, your name is forever written down in the Lamb's Book of Life! You will never be the same again! Welcome to the Family of God! God has a wonderful plan for your life. He sees you and He knows you. Wherever reading this book finds you:  Wherever it be- in a coffee shop, bookstore, shops, or in the comfort of your own home, etc,. I want you all to remember this one thing, You matter to God. You always have and you will always will.  That's the beauty of the Heart of the Father; you will always matter.    Next,  The Holy Spirit is prompting me too speak on inner healing. You might have had bad things to you. Things that were out of your control. The enemy of your soul, wants you to allow hatred and unforgiveness to fester deep. No matter what happened, forgive. I cannot state that enough.  Now, ask Jesus to begin to heal you. He wants every broken heart made whole. The Holy Spirit is ministering to you right now. Allow God to take you to the painful places, those places that brought pain. Ask Him to remove the sting of the trauma. He wants to bring healing. He wants your story to help someone else get free. But, you need to be healed first.  Friend, I want to pray for you.  Dear God, Wherever my reader finds themselves right now, I ask You God to begin to pour Your light upon those painful places; and pull out the sting. Thank you for releasing Your healing balm of Gilead and love over them right now. I thank You Father God that they are forgiving each and every person who has ever hurt them. I thank You Father God that they are submitting every pain and every hurt to the foot of the Cross. They are leaving it there.  Thank You Father God for restoring them right now, releasing Your Supernatural Oil of Healing refreshment and peace.  I declare in the Matchless Name of Jesus that Your  Love is flooding into all those places right now. Thank you Father God for restoring them. Do what only You can do. You are more than able Lord God to restore all. Thank You Father God, that they are inviting You to be on the journey of freedom in Jesus. In Your Precious Name Jesus, We do pray, Amen!  My Dear Friends,  I want you all to know that you truly are never alone. Jesus is the Friend that sticks closer than a brother. I am so excited for all of you to discover who you truly are in Jesus. You all have so much value and purpose. You matter. You have purpose. Remember this, that you and I, are far more than conquerors through Christ Jesus of Nazareth who loves us! You can all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens you! The fact that you are still here and you are reading this book right now, is not an accident. God set you up today. He led you to find this book. Why? Because Jesus loves you and I, everyday and He wants you to discover just how loved you are. You have a purpose. You have a destiny. I want you to shout out for joy; because all those years of heartache, trauma, and pain are all being melted away By Jesus Precious Blood. Can I hear an Amen! Declare out loud with me right now, that you are sound in mind and body. Declare, that God will finish what He has started. Declare, that He who has begun a good work in you; is faithful to complete it. God isn't finished with you yet! Begin to shout for Joy that Jesus has set you free! For remember, He Whom the Son has set free; is free indeed. You are not your father. You are not your mother. You are you. God already knows the path you will take. He knows where this is going. Nothing ever surprises Him. You are not too far gone for God to love you. You are enough. Say that right now with me:      I am enough through Christ. I matter. I am loved. I am accepted. I am accepted by the Beloved. That can be you today. You can be happy and confident through Jesus. You have nothing to lose! There's freedom in Christ.    Wherever you find yourself right now, remember this; you are never too far gone for God to love you. Right now, you can feel the Holy Spirit reaching out to you. He is drawing you closer to His side. Despite what anyone has ever told you. You are a leader. You stand out. You Shine. Let go of all of the negative words that have ever been spoken over you. All those negative voices have to leave right now in the Matchless Name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth! Begin to inquire of the Lord God Almighty- what are His Dreams for your life. Design a vision board. Pick up a Journal. Begin penning down what the Holy Spirit impresses upon your heart. There is so much that Jesus wants to speak to you. You are Jesus Beloved Child. You are His Son. You are His Daughter. He loves you and wants to spend time with you.    Spending time with Jesus and reading God's Word is what got me through high school and some of the most trying times of my life. When my high school friends abandoned me; I clung to Jesus. When my world seemed shattered; I forgave and I set my sights on Jesus. He reminded me that those hard times were temporary and wouldn't last forever. When I could have turned away from God; instead, I gave God everything. Even in the difficult moments, when life didn't make sense-Jesus was still there. There have been beautiful moments in my life too. The young people and adults I've mentored throughout the years. I have seen countless precious people be completely transformed in the Presence of God. There's one thing I know for certain. God has always been there for me; no matter what. He's there for you too!      I pray this book finds you feeling stronger in your faith and in knowing that God will never your side no matter what.  No matter the length of this book, it is my heartfelt prayer that you are already better because of reading it. Wherever you find yourself, remember this: You're an inspiration to many. God  has placed within you indescribable giftings and talents. You're more loved than you possibly can ever imagine. Ephesians 3:20. Now, Go and change your world for Christ!     Everyday, let a smile rest on your face as you remember God's Goodness and Faithfulness each and every day! Your journey is as unique as you are. Your entire life tells a story. What are you doing with it? It's never too late to make an impact on someone. Share with others how much Jesus loves them. I encourage you guys to bring a smile to someone's face today. Ask God to show you the gold in someone- meaning: bring out the best in others. Be the reason somebody is alive today. You are making a difference whether you realize it or not. Pray for everyone. Love everyone just as Jesus first loved you.   God is healing your heart right now. Those painful ashes of deep pain are being washed away by Jesus Blood. Hold your head up today. Love yourself. Instead of seeing yourself as being unworthy or unloved, you're a beloved Son of God and you're a beloved daughter of God is transforming your pauper mindset. Into one of royalty. God is removing your spiritual rags and is beautifully replacing them with elegant ballroom clothes. The finest tuxedo and the most extravagant ball gown. Exquisite with cascading diamonds and other flawless jewels & gemstones. My dear friends, that is how God sees you. And I'l say it again: You are all royalty in Christ. You have just to believe it. When you start viewing others through the heart of Jesus and from the perspective of Heaven: you begin to see them through His Eyes. That's the Beauty of having a heart of God for others. You begin to cry out for them. What a precious gift it is to get to pour into others through prayer and building them up.   You are leaving behind a powerful legacy for God that will impact countless souls for eternity. This is my journey and I'm so so blessed to include you guys in it! There are some pretty amazing people who have always been there for me and their prayers&encouragement are a huge reason why I'm alive today. They have poured into me . They have prayed with me and for me. They have encouraged me. They have built me up when I've been down. I want to say a huge thanks:    First to God-Thank you for always being there. To my Dad Michael Farnam-I love you so much. Thank you for always having my back. To my Husband Michael Wolf-You're my best friend, my lover, and my rock. To My Camp Girls-you are all amazing! I love and pray for you gals daily! To all those I've impacted over the years-I've never stopped praying for you or ever stopped believing in you! To Carrie Park Sears-You're one of my best friends, my precious sister in Christ. Thank you for building me up when I've need it most. Let's not forget all the ugly laughter and ugly crying. To Kelc- for being one of my besties and praying for both of our spouses-many hours of prayer and tears! To Tisha-To such an amazing sister in Christ, and one of my very best friends, to a fellow infj. So many prayers. To Kathy-Thank you for being my amazing friend and constant inspiration/role model To Alyson-I’m so thankful that you’re one of my best friends. Jesus has truly given you a heart of gold. Life can definitely bring many challenges; but we’ve also seen amazing blessings along the way. I’m so proud of who you are And a many thanks to so many My final thoughts: Never let the world diminish your light. Show them Jesus. I'd never be where I am today without Jesus. Thanks for reading! -Jessica Wolf

[charlenelouise-gdc]

3.1.3 — PROCESS PROJECT:

Finding a topic (part 2)

After realising the loopholes in my earlier topic, I looked back into the mind map I made earlier. I hoped to find something more unique to my experience. This is where I found Code-Switching. 

Code Switching is the process of alternating between languages or language varieties in the context of a single conversation. It is a method of communication often used by bilinguals/multilingual. As a bilingual, I feel like this is something I really want to explore as it’s something that I do on the daily and plays a significant role in my life, not just because it allows me to communicate efficiently, but it also culturally - its my bridge to a culture that is all mentally, emotionally and geographically distant (Philippines is after all, in the other side of the world, miles away from the English isles). 

As shown above in my notes, I’ve researched the ways it functions, the reasons behind it, the different types it can exist in, the methods behind it. In it’s most basic form, it is structured with two components: the matrix language and the additional language. The matrix language lays out the basis for the communication, while utterances from the additional language are embedded within it. 

e.g: “Kumain na ako pero I still ate kasi gutom pa ako.” The regular is the matrix language. The bold is the additional language. 

Interestingly, when I was looking at further research into some academic writing to find other angles it could possibly be. I found that this is not explored as much linguistically or even as a phenomenon/act as I thought it would be (despite globalisation and the rising number of bilinguals in the world). This has really sealed the project for me as I feel like if I do this project, this is could be something to add to the conversation and add more knowledge into.

CODE-SWITCHING: Jumping Between 2 Different Languages:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Na4UvRIhu4

The video/link above is also a good research piece I found. It broke down the process really well through linguistics. More so, its visualised the topic for me, it gave me the chance to see how others have already tried visualising the process and see how I can do it differently.

With all this knowledge in mind, I began to think about the many ways can this phenomenon can be visualised. Again, as shown on the notes, I did some quick sketches to try visualise the duality of the process and spark some ideas to develop from. I tried exploring through colour, shape, “wave forms” (since it’s a oral process), and percentages. I can pick this up later on when I start making more solid experiments.

My research has also led me to the concept of Lingua Franca. This is the language that is adopted as a common language between speakers whose native languages are different. This is could be another angle to take the project into. This plays largely in the London experience; in a city that is culturally diverse as London, many multi-linguals live in this city, bringing their own language here while the english language is our common denominator.

From all the research, I feel like the most important part to recognise is why this particular process exist. I believe this is going to be the heart of the project. The main functions behind code-switching are: directive, expressive, referential. phatic, metalinguistic, and poetic (this is further explained in the notes above). Throughout the different information I’ve come across, I feel like this is the most crucial part of my research because its provides reason behind the process and helps the project move further beyond the methodical - which can feel “dry”. The cultural aspect is what I would like to explore the most.

Of course, I explored my personal encounters with code switching to further build my knowledge. After all, I’ve completed the methodic or factual part of my research. It’s time to take the macro to the micro. As shown in my notes above, I looked at the reasons why I code switch and how it exist in my life: I do it between family and friends, its a means to understand and connect to my culture without a mediator or complications, express closeness with someone, I can explain a story better through this method, and my code switching varies depending on the relationship I have with the opposite speaker and the environment we’re in (e.g. with a filipino friend, I code switch less in environments where english is the dominant language - like school or the workplace; on the other hand, I tend to code switch more where english isn’t the dominant language - like at home with my family). In addition, this has also added another branch into my research. There are certain words that can’t be translated into english or better expressed in the language of origin. With this in mind, I also listed out various words which doesn’t have direct english translations from filipino: kilig, tampo, basta, lambing, gigil just to name a few (Again, more on the notes above). This is another interesting angle for my project to explore.

To conclude, I finally found a lead for this project. More so, through the research I made, I’ve laid out some good foundations which I believe I can build a good project from.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

s2g that moss has even been foreshadowing that lars was gonna get briefly killed like…not that specific but since we’re shown that the moss is lars and the flowers have a bit of gem in them…………

ppl are always weird about stuff everywhere smh but like…theres been obviously weird things like being way more ok with ancient beings ready to destroy all life on the planet than lars being too ill-tempered or doing something selfish like…i see that…. like lars doesnt need to be redeemed for anything jeez. every episode where he does something crap its on a minor scale vs like endangering lives or something and he gets k.o’d for it and then makes some sincere form of apology like? theres your redemption…i guess maybe people expect him to become acceptable overnight maybe but thats how people work and then every episode is like The Lesson of the Week instead of a closer look at a character and another step in their development as people figuring themselves out

like literally every character has issues smh! in like this and everything also but like….honestly lars has been a super self conscious and anxious teen from the start and really unhappy and like sometimes he does dumbass shit but who hasnt. if you think youve never hurt people you havent been paying close enough attention

anyways one of the things i really dont like? despite general overall stuff like teenaged lars momentarily losing his patience and realizing he’s in the wrong and immediately trying to make amends = him being judged more harshly than like….every millenia-old actually murderous actual antagonist introduced…. is that overall? its like really really clear really early on that he’s always struggling with a lot of mental health issues, and a common theme is irl people who really do have disorders pointing this out. like, that point can be made for every character in su and lars isnt The Mentally Ill One who alone represents the whole of the universal mental illness experience because obviously that doesnt exist and its a very unique and personal experience, and people dont have to directly relate to lars or any other character with such problems to verify their own. but lars and the cool kids is like super upfront about anxiety and he obv has really low confidence and low self worth and i’ll fight anytime about island adventure hinting strongly at depression—in addition to having him state outright that he feels lonely and isolated all the time. and like, he hates the job he works all the time, he’s not good in school, he and sadie feel an early connection but they obviously had to do a lot of work on that and step on each other’s emotional fingers along the way to finally get to where they are now—which i’m guessing is dating but without acknowledging so or at least not to others, he isn’t very close to his parents currently, he starts the series with 1.5 friends maximum and cant even approach the cool kids besides being desperate to be friends with them

like clearly he’s unhappy and for a while sadie and steven are probably the people closest to him even tho he is a lot more annoyed by steven at the start of things when steven is more little-kiddish than he is now…..but lars still acts mostly like himself around them But at the start him and sadie have too many complications and uncertainties to be really comfortable and again steven doesnt really come across as very mature, with lars pointing it out just now how stevens changed in that way, and it being difficult anyways for lars to confide in anybody

so like lars is and has always been super super defined and restricted by his fear of everybody he encounters, specifically being afraid of being hurt by them / fear of being disliked. i like to say that i think the way he prevents himself / his image is meant to be a way of controlling the reactions he expects people to have: i.e. making people dislike him is less scary/painful than being judged badly while hoping for the opposite. but i also never like saying that anyone who consciously cultivates their Look is faker than someone who doesnt put any thought into it, or is lying to themselves or others or whatever, i just would bet thats a part of it. but moreso than that, the fact that he’s irritable and ill-tempered all the time fits really well as a result of being so unhappy and afraid and trying to deal with it solo. it’s not about him not caring about people, when on an unrelated note but related-to-the-universal-human-experience he does something thoughtless or mean or just generally crosses a line, he notices immediately when someone feels hurt, and he’s shown to immediately feel bad, arguably to a fault and going too far with how guilty he feels. but anyways clearly even though he has the capacity to hurt people’s feelings, he’s very sensitive to that, he cares deeply when it happens, and he doesn’t want to hurt people. like apologizing with any genuine depth to it right off is an incredibly difficult task even for grownass adults, and lars is already really good at it. its wild that people think of him as super cruel and selfish when it’s clear that he’s very emotionally vulnerable and doesn’t have the capacity to callously disregard other people’s hurt feelings

anyways a point i’m taking a really long time to come around to is that lars is a really good example of someone who’s young and unhappy and isolated and really struggling with a lot of things and afraid of everything and the fact is that usually when youre looking for characters who are struggling with this kind of shit you get one-dimensional, maybe even one-episode characters like the person who shows up for the very special episode where everyone has a serious talk and learns a serious lesson and the Depression Character never shows up again, having gone off to be depressed somewhere else since we already know about depressed people. or depression and anxiety is something that can be solved literally overnight if you just confront the root cause, like eliminating the life problem that made x depressed or giving y a makeover or throwing them a surprise party to show them they have friends or something. or you learn that joe the bully is actually just physically violent because he is insecure, whoa man. or the Sad Kid is a running joke and a periphery character and their parents are getting divorced etc etc etc etc

the point is that lars is a main character and even when he learns things about himself that put him in a better place than when the episode began, his issues still don’t vanish (and i wouldnt be surprised if people use that as evidence that his character doesnt “grow”). and dealing with / revealing some of his issues arent a special episode, its just an episode, and its about him. he’s developed over and over and he’s shown to be a complicated person. he’s shown to enjoy things and have interests and a life. he’s a regular character as much as anyone else is, he isnt set aside in a special category

but the thing is that maybe people expect Mentally Ill™ characters to be more of the hamfisted media clichés with zero nuance and about as much accuracy to them? because there’s always the sweet-and-soft kind of person who’s surely dealing with mental illness acceptably because they make up for it by being pure and noble and something approximately like a newborn lamb. like depression is being maybe a bit cagey and avoidant and crying a lot and writing poetry (which will later be revealed as their secret talent!!) and sighing and generally just waiting for someone to approach them, very gently because they are shy and nervous like a fawn, and that savior will cure them with love and also with showing them how beautiful life is!!! and then they will start wearing more colorful clothes and they will be happy and the depression is over now, because someone just had to show their delicate, beautifully wounded soul the light

trauma? you can tell someone has Trauma because they act very stoic and strong 1000% of the time no exceptions but it is just a façade. they will never talk about The Thing. they will finally talk about the thing because someone pries about it with pure intentions and it is a big dramafest and theyve never talked about this before and everyone cries and its super serious and heavy and the person is a bit softer after that because they could finally let it out that one time. thanks, another savior. having disorders is just having turned away from the light

the point is that irl obviously things are very different and its rare to see people with such issues being treated the same as any other character and being able to grow in a realistic way and being able to have flaws the way that everyone else does, not having to be a pure defenseless dewy-eyed baby kitten who someone strong and Normal needs to rescue and put on the right path away from these problems forever. being pissed off and frustrated and confused but trying a lot of different ways to figure things out anyways is a lot more common, the way lars reacts to and deals with his vulnerability is a lot more realistic than just being a fairy-tale in-distress type figure. his character feels a million times more like he was developed by people who understand what its like to be experiencing what he does and developed for people who can relate to him, rather than being made by and for people who cant directly relate and who tend to make content thats wholly inaccurate and treats that kind of thing like an Other issue for Others that you only need to learn bullet points about because if its going to be a part of your life it’ll be a fleeting, one-time thing, not your everyday reality

i mean, its unsurprising that lars is actually pretty comfortable with steven now, given how long theyve known each other, but also how relentless steven is in being supportive of lars and treating him like a friend. its not surprising that it took lars this long to accept that, or that it was in part forced along by being stuck in a “we might die” scenario with steven. and its important to point out that this wasn’t just lars changing that made their relationship better, but steven growing as a person as well. if you put both if them in that situation during the start of the series, they could probably get along better than usual still, but you cant say that this is the first sign of lars developing any more than you can say this is stevens first development. lars has been struggling with himself just as steven has, although not in a fate-of-the-world way till now. lars couldnt be so conscious of his own fear and frustrated with it, and steven wouldnt have the maturity to do stuff like freakin sacrifice himself for earth by separating himself from the other crystal gems, much less lend lars the emotional support needed to give lars enough confidence to protect the off-colors

lars has been developing the whole time and even if people look at individual episodes and think lars learns nothing during them, i cant see how anyone could deny that this isn’t a turning point for lars as much as its the culmination of a gradual path he’s already been on. not to mention that “turning point” has implications like “redemption arc,” as if lars was inherently bad or worthless at the start of the series. he wasn’t; none of the characters were, but each character and all of their relationships were least developed of course. we see details and different sides of the donuts right away, and they both care enough about steven to treat him more as a little brother than a customer and to humor him sometimes. theyve always been important, and the fact that lars has always been a main character in the set of protagonists and that steven has always been a friend means that he cannot be converted by a “redemption” arc. he’s already there smh he’s always been there. seriously name one episode where he’s done something shitty and didnt do anything to make up for it. the only thing unresolved rn is he couldnt fight topaz for sadie, and he said himself he felt guilty over it, and it was already at that point the boldest thing he’d done and like, its not that unreasonable for a wisp of a teen to be terrified by a giant gem warrior that he had zero chance of doing anything to anyways. it wasnt glistening heroics but if thats gonna condemn lars like throw me in the pit too i guess. then he went and died for twelve individuals and left himself defenseless in hostile unfamiliar territory so that steven can go back to earth so thats something. but before all this alien drama like, again…..he’s always directly apologizing for shit and he’s just making everyday kinds of fuckups. he beats himself up about stuff. and gets beat up. and really like doesnt ever require an apology when he’s the one to get hurt, which isnt a requirement by any means and which is probably part of him thinking too badly of himself

the point? that maybe i still havent made besides saying i was gonna make it like half a dozen times?? is that lars is a really real portrayal of a person dealing with things in a real way. and its not the “pain is transcendent” thing where if someone is Suffering from mental illness it makes them wiser and kinder and holier than us regular people. its not where all you need to help someone with mental illness is one incidence of reaching out and telling them you love them and look at the stars and isnt it lovely. its not where disorders themselves are an arc and at the end, people’s personalities will be indistinguishable from that of those who never experienced what they did. its where dealing with this shit is normal and human and everyday and its not beautiful and its not gonna make other people “inspired” or get to feel good about themselves as your savior. its about pushing people away or having them avoid you anyways because they can hurt you in ways they can’t understand as being hurtful and shits confusing and sometimes kids will lash out and i bet lars was a lot more Difficult closer to stevens age than he is now. its about characteristics that seem ugly or repulsive or otherwise don’t directly cry out for help. its about shit staying with you even while you’re trying to figure out how to work through it. its about the unpleasantness of it all but also the real humanity behind it, not just using it as some device. lars’s problems are about lars and belong to him

and yeah of course he hurts people, but literally all the characters do; it has nothing to do with having disorders or not. everyone hurts each other even though they love each other, sometimes with the best intentions or 0% knowingly because they just have to figure out more things about themselves and each other. everything is about people making mistakes. lars is no worse in that matter than any of the other characters, he just happens to have a less appealing/inviting personality, god forbid less relatable. in the recent episodes he didnt have his usual defensive abrasiveness, even his frustration with steven in “stuck together” wasn’t that significant, and wasnt even much directed at steven. after that he was just scared, without it being masked by anger. he could be brave for the other gems because he knew he wanted to be brave and he knew how it felt for them to be so afraid and he was finally told that it was an okay thing that he still felt terrified. he could be completely himself with steven because of all the ways steven has gotten to know lars and refused to stop valuing him and how steven has grown to be someone who could protect others on his own in serious situations—which in this case included supporting lars emotionally as well as protecting him physically. if lars was dropped in that situation with the kid who just learned to summon his shield and was having an ice cream crisis five minutes ago, he couldnt trust or rely on him or count on him for encouraging advice. the way lars is in the wanted arc being so different from earlier episodes is as much about stevens development as lars’s really

like the real lars is and always has been deeply sensitive to peoples feelings (to the point he feels extremely vulnerable to them e.g. afraid of being hurt by being regarded negatively) and he’s always cared about the people he feels close to and he’s always been capable of moments of bravery for the sake of others and he likes wrestling and he’s good at cooking and he’s a dumbass sometimes and he watches scary movies and plays video games and sucks at school and is grumpy and is passionate and is scared and is a huge nerd with nerd parents and he never got over feeling hurt by the explorer club incident and he doesnt like fries and he and his coworker like each other and relate to each other and he sees steven as his annoying little brother and he doesnt know what he wants and also he’s a bi icon, it must be exhausting

lars has always been good and complex and i might be willing to forgive my slight disappointment in people realizing he’s good only now if and only if they go back and acknowledge that he’s been good this whole time. like obviously he doesn’t have to be your Fave or even “liked” to just be not hated or to be recognized as a complex, solid character. lars is so, so developed, probably more than any other human. he’s always been important, even before his importance had direct cosmic significance. he’s always shown signs of being thoughtful and caring and soft, and the fact that he’s hurt people he cares about and who care about him isnt evidence that he’s bad, not only because of the fact that literally all the Good characters hurt each other, but because irl hurting people you love isnt even necessarily evidence of a failure, its just an inevitability, and what happens following the event is whats a lot more telling than the fact any negative emotions were ever a part of a good relationship

anyways what’s definitely true is that lars didnt need to die. it wasnt a necessary atonement for anything lars has ever done. he didnt and doesnt need to be redeemed. he just was willing to risk his life for gems in a situation he could immediately relate to, and that risk happened to win out momentarily. besides, what lars was overcoming in that situation was his own fear, it wasnt anything that caused the stuff in the past that people seem to think so badly of him for. he was also protecting steven, sure, but steven was pretty much fine by the end of it coz of his shield. but he also hadnt ever really Not protected steven or anything so he didnt really need to make up for that or whatever

also one more thing ive always meant to bring up is that lars doesnt think much of himself and is prone to being too hard on himself but i know there are probably plenty of people who believe him when he says he needs to “deserve” being alive again. nah!!!! lars always deserved it