#and i think part of that genuinely is why i have agoraphobia now

[maxellminidisc]

Like you absolutely grow up way too fast when you have a sibling with disabilities because you either start thinking or are influenced to feel that you have to be a parent or a grown up to help your sibling when truly your job is to be a sibling with some awareness that your sibling requires different kinds of care. And that can either end up making you direct resentment to the wrong person (aka your sibling and not your parents for neglecting your needs as another child in the home) or feeling like you have to handle responsibility at the same level as your parents that they should be shouldering and not you, even to the point where like all the desires you may have, you may even believe you have to set them aside to be of help.

And it sucks cause growing up you feel like you cant talk about any negative emotion about these circumstances or your environment, especially feelings of neglect or isolation, without looking like a bad person, feeling guilty about having these feelings in comparison to what your siblings is going through, like you're being selfish or a brat, and often as a result you end repressing it and putting it in your head that you have to ALWAYS be good so you're not adding more burden to the situation at home.

And its wild cause like parents need to instead foster siblinghood amongst their kids, not making them fit into adult roles or worse, doing the opposite of this and leaving them in the dark when it comes to what their siblings are going through and ultimately making them feel like an outlier. This would be far more helpful in the future for all siblings involved given that a majority of people with disabilities that have siblings, end up with their siblings being the people who are most constant in their lives, even more so than parents because we unfortunately are more likely to outlive our parents. When we have the opportunity to have space and desires for ourselves with support from family, to have fostered lives like anyone else where we have the ability and assured space for ourselves then family, I think making the switch to being our siblings main source of support and care wouldn't feel like an extension of that environment of, dare I say, enmeshment? that can happen. And not to mention I highly fucking doubt siblings with disabilities appreciate that their siblings act like parent figures all the time when all they went is a brother or sister, someone who treats them like a person with their own autonomy that their parents can sometimes unfortunately fail at.

It crazy cause like I think now that me and my sister are adults we understand that WAY more than our mom does LMAO I sometimes try to do things for her from years of habit and conditioning to always be looking after her and she'll be like "Stop. You're not my mom and I can do it" or "Hey I need space, go away and draw or something " and I'm like damn ur right ok! LMAO started realizing I could be far more of help to my sister as her sister than as her psuedo dad and it absolutely is true. Because now that's shes dealing with trauma, my sister doesn't trust anyone else in my house with her feelings or what she needs, let alone her words except me now that I've slowly started to change our dynamic. Everyone has to basically communicate with her through me now that's she gone non verbal with most people.

[the-vodka-came-diluted]

I don't know how many people still look at this account, but I thought I would give a bit of a life update :]

Im turning 21 in June and i'm doing much better than I was when I was on here, I'm still disordered and anxious, but less than I was. I ended up going to counselling summer last year 2 days before my birthday for my mental health as my anxiety was getting to the point where I had started developing agoraphobia, through that I ended up on Sertraline for the anxiety and depression as I was also still incredibly suicidal.

Things have been going a lot better since then, R (previously E), someone I had posted about alot, and I are best friends still, I accepted through counselling and improving myself that what I felt for him was actually infatuation caused by my mental health and a need to feel loved, they've done a lot of self improvement as well, and addressed the things they said to me, I forgave him a long time ago and things have settled now, sometimes when you put two mentally ill ND queers in a close friendship from a young age, shit gets messy and then you mature and become best friends who can trust eachother again.

Someone else I posted about, F who was my ex at the time, came back into my life and I realised she was the only person I had genuinely ever felt a romantic connection to, which sounds silly when you read everything I said about R before, but as I said, mental illness is wild lmao I was convinced I had to end up with R or I would be alone, he was the only other openly lesbian/queer person I knew from the age of 12 with similar experiences to me. F came back into my life and things have been going so much better since then, we spent over a year talking again and eventually confessed to eachother, she helped me leave my abusive mums house and we currently live together with our 2 cats and her emotional support dog, I love her more than I can express on here, I never thought I would get to be in a relationship like this where things are so calm and and loving, instead of blowing up at eachother over things, we sit down and talk about why something has upset us and how we can change it in the future, she's my whole world and even though it's not even a year being together again, I'd gladly spend the rest of my life with her 💜

As for things with my mum, she has just recently gotten out of a toxic relationship, things blew up a while back before I left, she got violent and police were called, so I left with a lot of encouragement from F and others. A lot of the cause of her becoming even more shitty than she already was, was her at the time new bf, she was drinking every day with him, abandoning my younger siblings and leaving them to me days at a time to drink with him, being homophobic, and was getting more and more physical and while she has hit me before, she hit me and my brother for being gay, which honestly hurt so much more than any punch or slap or shove she had thrown before. She was also doing a lot of shit to me mentally still that I had just had enough of. Through it all I kept trying to support her and help her leave her dickhead bf, in the end it was better for my own sake to leave, i think if i hadn't i wouldn't be here right now despite my MH doing much better than it had been. She recently had to call the police on him for causing her physical harm, and she reached out to me, while I'm still wary of her intentions, it seems like she's on the road to healing as well, she apologised for making me feel how she did for most of my life and says she's going to start counselling and wants to rebuild our relationship when I'm ready. Even though she was a big part of why I am the way I am, I'm proud of her for getting help and the fact that she has addressed how she treated me has given me a lot of closure.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I know "it gets better" stories are cringe and annoying, but it genuinely does get better. I still have my down days but much less of them and less intensely. I still have derealisation and dissociation episodes, but I don't think of my CSA trauma much anymore or have as many nightmares, I'm with someone who relates to and understands my traumas and mental health, theres no pressure to be intimate bc she's also ace, I'm a few months clean of SH and F reminds me how proud she is of me being clean, I don't abuse substances like alcohol or my sleeping meds or drugs that are offered to me and haven't in a very long time, apart from nic maybe but it's not in a self destructive way and I love my fruity air, don't judge, at least I'm not still smoking weed every day or snorting MDMA or downing pills offered to me in the woods at night to feel like a real alive human 😭💀 I've cut out a lot of toxic people and friend groups, and my dad and I are talking again and he's so supportive of me, things really do get better when you give them a chance 💜 I hope ya'll are doing well too :]

Oh! And F bought me a binder, so now I'm a lot less dysphoric too, she's honestly the best :']

That's all I have to say really, ik I'm just ranting to the void rn but i hope this inspires at least one person who sees it :D

[jockbrannigan]

Not everyone's an asshole

Maya and Jock catch up with each other at the Redwood Prom.

@mxyacho

Jock

-Honestly, Jock was overwhelmed. This whole night had been a risk for him and he was still undecided if it had been worth it or not. He had gotten to hang out with Mayra again and meet new people like Vi and Vivienne but all the good stuff was overshadowed by Zack and his stinky, violent attitude.-

-The temptation to run home was strong and honestly, Jock didn't think he had the will to fight it off. So he started to leave the prom. That was until he spotted Maya. Despite still wanting to get home as soon as possible, the part of his brain in charge of fighting against his agoraphobia and anxiety took over and directed him towards the familiar and friendly face.-

"Hey Maya. You OK? You having fun?"

Maya Cho

-Maya had wandered off to the bathroom and was on her way back to the party when Jock spotted her. She smiled and gave him a wave as she met him halfway.- Hey, Jock. Yeah, I'm alright. How about you? Honestly I'm surprised you came to something like this.

Jock

"Yeah, I surprised myself with this one!"

-Jock looks around nervously-

"Hey, so, be honest: not everyone here is a complete jerk, right?"

Maya Cho

-Maya notices how he's looking around and looks around with him- No, not everyone here is a jerk. Why? What happened?

Jock

"I might have found a not so friendly person. And by 'I might have', I mean I did."

Maya Cho

-Maya wondered if it was the same guy who had scared her- Who was it? What did he look like?

Jock

"Some dude called Zack. Tall, would be handsome if he wasn't so fucking sour, dark sandy hair. Sound familiar?"

Maya Cho

-it wasn't the guy, then. At least that was one guy to scrub off the list- No, can't say I've met him, but now I know to steer clear of anyone named Zack. What happened?

Jock

-Jock scratches the back of his neck and then shakes his head. He feels like he's already been over this enough times for one night-

"I pissed him off so he pushed me around. Pinned me to the floor at one point. I'm fine. Shaken, not stirred, you know?"

Maya Cho

Yeah, I know that way too well. -She realizes what she just said- I had a guy here corner me and attack me in the Laundromat.

Jock

-His eyes go wide as the realisation hits him. Before he can ask about it, Maya is filling in some of the details. He frowns.-

"I thought the Council vetted everyone here. You telling me they let in not just one but two psycho assholes? Are you OK? Dumb question, I get it, but are ya? OK, I mean?"

Maya Cho

They do....vet, I mean. But I guess psycho assholes know how to beat the system. -it was a good question- I'm better now, but I'm still a little shaken. I've been staying with Alex because I don't feel safe at home by myself, so that helps.

Jock

"Man, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's good you've got Alex to help you through it. Things going good with him, I take it?"

Maya Cho

Yeah. I mean, we're just friends, of course. But he's a good guy. What about you? Make any friends yet?

Jock

-He raises one sceptical eyebrow at her in the wake of the 'just friends' comment but he doesn't push it any further. If it was his business, Maya would've told him the additional details.-

"I'm working on that, I swear. I mean, that's the whole point of me coming here, right? Meet new people, put faces to names or whatever."

-He cringes over his rambling and the too fresh memory of Zack looming over him-

Maya Cho

Well, I'm proud of you for coming out. I'm just sorry you had to experience an asshole. But I guess the world is still full of them.

Jock

"Not everyone's an asshole. You're not an asshole, for example."

Maya Cho

-Maya smiled as she gently nudged Jock with her fist- Aww, thanks Jock. You're not too bad yourself.

Jock 

-He gives her a wide grin, a genuine one too-

"Thanks. My ego needed to hear that!"

Maya Cho

You are very welcome. I am glad to feed your ego.

Jock 

-His cheeks flush a little and he scratches the back of his neck for a moment.-

"Hey, so I know you said you have Alex but if you ever want to stay with me- wait, no. My place is tiny. So if you ever want me to stay with you, I can do that. Say if Alex can't for whatever reason, I can be the back-up, you know?"

Maya Cho

-Maya notices his blush and she laughs a little as she nudges him- You're so sweet. But do you mean that? I already owe you for that one Winter....

Jock 

"I wouldn't say if I didn't mean it. Plus you promised me a tattoo in return for that one Winter. Maybe now you can owe me two!"

Maya Cho

If I can get a working tattoo needle and ink and everything, I will give you as many tattoos as you want. -she gave him a smile- You are amazing, Jock. Thank you. Can I hug you?

Jock

"I could get a sleeve tattoo!"

-He laughs softly before his cheeks fully flush as she praises him. He nods in reply to her question and he opens his arms out to her-

"Yeah, you can hug me!"

Maya Cho

-Her smile gets huge as she leans in and hugs him tightly- See, now I'm extra proud of you. I'm glad you found your way here.

Jock

-Jock returns the hug and grins at her-

"I'm glad you're here too. Makes this whole experience much easier to face."

Maya Cho

Well, I'm glad I could help by just being here. -she lets go- Maybe I should stop by one of these days and check out your place. Maybe work on that sleeve of yours.

Jock

"Yeah, I'd love that! I can make you tea, I have a kettle and everything. You're welcome over any time."

Maya Cho

I am going to hold you to that, so don't come complaining to me when I show up randomly

Jock

"You get a pass because you're my tattoo artist. It's very exclusive!"

[poormommamay]

Let’s Talk About Mental Health

I don’t mean we’re gonna go into a full discussion on the horrible way society treats mental health and the stigma still surrounding everything that comes with taking care of your mental health. We’re just going to talk about mine right now and hopefully if I open up about mine, it’ll give you the courage, or honestly the excuse, to open up about yours. Because we should all be a little more open to talking about our headspace and the dark or the light going on in it. 

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia since I was a teenager (we’re talking over a decade now). I have been to therapy, quit therapy, been back to therapy, quit again, and let me tell you something. Therapy is fantastic--if you get a therapist that really works at getting you back to a good place and you put the same effort they put in. I’ve quit bad therapists. I’ve failed to put the work in for good therapists. And I hit a good stride with one to the point when COVID hit, she genuinely didn’t think I needed it anymore if it made me uncomfortable to go out during a pandemic (as they were not equipped to do virtual which was a shame). But once lockdown lifted I found myself really wishing I hadn’t stopped budgeting for it. Especially with my due date coming so close and I was terrified of postpartum depression. 

I was fortunate, unlike many other women around the world. I just had your regular garden variety depression, one I had worked with and worked through for many years. I was still able to connect with my son and take care of him and myself through the worst parts. I was able to tamp down my terror at being a new parent enough to try and so far, while I know it’s only been six months, it’s worked. 

But. I saw the start of my cycle the other day. You see, I put enough work into my mental health with the help of professionals who wanted me to succeed as much as I wanted to; I am almost hyper aware of the Spiral. It’s been six months since I worked, we are to the point of relying solely on my husband’s income, and that causes stress. Think of it like a kitchen sink. The tap is left on and sink is full of water and soap and icky food bits that didn’t get eaten or scraped off the plates. The longer the tap stays on, the more that water builds and overflows. And suddenly I’m a mess on the kitchen floor and the tap is still on, in fact it feels like the tap is only flowing faster. The mess gets worse and worse and seems never ending the longer it goes.

I noticed the signs. My stress levels. The shutting down. Struggling to maintain any organization. Struggling to put the mental effort into anything. If not for the baby, I would probably lay in bed all day, stare at the same three apps on my phone and pretend everything is fine. It wouldn’t be but I would pretend. And then I’d be surrounded by trash and gross smelling clothes and take out or cracker sleeves. 

There’s a baby in the picture now. I think it helps to have at least one thing to focus on when the Spiral starts. I have to take care of him, so I don’t have time for the depression to suck everything out of me. I have to prioritize taking care of this sweet, tiny human who has no one else to take care of him--and so I have to take care of myself. Even if I can’t summon the energy to really do the dishes, I can clean one pot out to make a dinner we can both eat. Even if I don’t want to drag myself out of bed, he needs me to get up to change him and get him ready to play. Even if all I want to do is lay on the couch and cry, I have a smiley, giggly baby to entertain and if Momma is crying so is he.

I have discovered, through trial and tribulation, that taking care of yourself for your own sake is difficult to make yourself do. Or, at least it is for me. Having something that relies on you keeps you just aware enough to drag yourself into at least one activity. Anything that gets you out of bed and to the kitchen or the bathroom is enough. Take the momentum of getting up to do One Thing to move onto another thing, and another, and before you know it you’ll have enough of a routine you can start to recognize yourself getting better. It takes just one thing to get yourself back to baseline. And once you’re back to baseline, you can start to enjoy things again.

So, I guess that’s why I’m here. I guess having one more thing to do is going to help. Something to add to my morning routine, something to do that’s just for me. It’s not for my son, it’s not for my husband, it’s just for me. Just to enjoy writing. And maybe, somewhere  in my ramblings and my rantings, there’ll be enough to help someone else. 

Welcome darlings. Thank you for listening to Momma.

[ne-fe-li-bata]

Aye yo CORPSE!  ...

Dead ass;

You can't convince me that Corspe was/is/does ; 

in no particular order..

• Deserve to be held ( I would smother him with my chest and hold him tighter than he has ever been held) & protected from this world

• Pyro! Mans loves🔥🔥🔥 - mostly his fav elemental  (Leo is a fire sign); “WOOO... now that’s a fire!”

•  Loves knives/weapons- has a collection (quite a nifty 1, ay thank-a-you) & even knows how to use butterfly knives/ tackle combat.

      Has a collection of weapons (brass knuckle, daggers, swords, knives,etc.)

•  Highly interested in combat/training. Most likely has training in some sort of combat. Loves any form of physical combat < UFC,MMA, Boxing, any type of martial arts>

•  Absolute proper gentlemen / clearly has the utmost charm/cunning

      I.e holds the door open & will slap yo ass on the way in, moves you away from street side when walking, pulls chairs, defends your honor, etc.

• Takes A . L . O . T  to truly capture his attention- but once you have it ..%100

•  With his person; protective/obsessives/ possessive/ sensual/ affectionate .

              < mine is mine. me no share -like absolutely not at all>

             “ You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for ya“

• RP'er on DeviantArt/chats had his own OC. (also prob had his fav person to RP with) 

         <prob even talked to them in MSN or private chat>

•  Watched mostly nothing by anime/cartoons (nick/CN) as a kid & also mostly watched certain shows/movies as a kid well into his teens

         (could recite quotes/scenes as second nature)

•  Not a major musical theatre type of kid. But musical movies/shows was 1 of his favs- but still highly interested/ in love with theatre/musicals/preforming arts none the less.

-EYES DON’T LIE

•’staring problem’ he’d just stare at you -deep in his head (both good & bad) you’d have to bring him back to you ..”babe- eh, come *snap*back to me. What’s on your mind my love?’

•  Genuinely a really warm person- but only to certain people, but comes across cold & distance 

•  Grew up in the internet & knows the way around the 'business' & 'faceless' YouTubers/celebrities

•  His teens/ late adolescents consisted & grew up on YouTube O.G videos/ video game commentary/content;

  Cry.. <Cry was a huge part of my life & still hold a special place in my heart. Corspe just like I was most likely devastated with the shit that went down> 

Jack

Nova

Sp00n

Jontron

Smosh

Nigahiga

Shane

Jenna

Hanna Hart

Phil/Dan

KevJumba

Ray William Johnson

Pewds

Machinima

EMT

ERB

Wassabi Prod.

VlogBros, 

-etc

• Has an oral fixating (lovebites indefinitely <like dead ass ya’ll be chillan/ out & he’d attack you> & just needs something in his mouth always)

• Fidgety af, always need to be playing with something in his hands/playing with 

•  Is a goddamn absolute certified freak--but also super soft bean boi. (can't stress how this boi needs& deserves to be protected)

• Constant hand/arm touching/stroking for comfort.

• Daddy{papi} / Mommy(mamá) . Master . Sir  kink - hard control kinks- but highly sub. 

hard(er) kinks

• Lovebites = M I N E 

obvs fishnets/ crossbody straps/ lingerie

lace

collars/ restraints 

toys

     •RP

degrading/praising

sub/dom switch

showing/proving your actually/completely & utterly his/ he’s completely & utterly yours..

& of course you know it's go time when 1 - if not both of you has kitty ears on. 

over stim 

*no touchy/ don’t let me go*

“look at what I’ve done to you”

“you kno only I can do this to you”

“look how greedy you are for me”

“look at the mess you’ve made because of me’ 

“cum on my face”/’cum for me”

“who do you belong to” / “you belong to me & only me”

100% all black clothing 🖤

*that once we get home / I swear I’ll deal with you right here, right now* look 

primal play  “when you run from me, it only makes me want you more” “you know imma find you kitten”

pet names (beast< i feel like you call this man “ (a) beast”-he about to lose his absolute fucking mind> , “oh Corpse/______, you absolute fuckin’ beast- my God” kitten, babyboy/girl, baby(e), bae, my love, lover boy, my darling, slut, needy little bitch, cum slut, lil’ whore, master/mistress, king/queen”

“only yours” “just ______” “ no-one but _____” “only____” “only you” 

‘I’ll keep you so no one can find you or bother us’

“that’s my girl” / “that's my boy”

“would you like to/ I saw----”

“look at me” “don’t look away from me”

GROWLING / talking through clenched jaw

not breaking eye contact 

     • his name & ‘Corspe’ being cried out 

“cry out my name for me baby. know who you belong to”

video/sexing/teasing 

breeding kink

voyeurism

abrasions

aftercare af 

impact play 

24/7

edging 

accidental stim; “holy fuck- I’m so turned on by you rn”

rope bondage 

begging 

worships 

•  But also soft kinks; 

MEME SENDING

head on lap/chest

naps

playing with hair 

matching outfits

voice messages 

always touching (somehow)

no space between bodies

picture taking together/ just of you

body rubs, head rubs

massages

competition 

play fighting

“this reminded me of you”

“I remember you said” “I know you...”

“you know I love you”

“I can tell by your eyes”

“ugh- I swear to shit imma marry you 1 day”

“nothing really made sense until you”

“do you wanna watch”/ “WAIT!? YOU HAVEN’T SEEN?!”

“damn- you really do love/like me, eh?”/ “you are SO fucking mine”

“that’s my girl”/ “that's my boy”

pet names/ “MY_______” “YOURS”

long stares

dates- stay at home dates are his fav, as your attention/focus is just on him 

choker/necklace/ jewelry (that 1 of you bought- NOT LIKE HIGH PRICE TAG, but like seen it & was like ‘omg ____ would so wear...’) 

cuddles with movies /anime watching time

just being in the same room/on call- even in silence 

* emojis*- just some sort of communication 

inside jokes/ puns/dark humor

seeing 1 another with kids

future kink (family, travel, etc)

playing video games 

dancing/ singing with 1 another

Sitting on the ground, wrapped around his leg when he streams/edits

Nerf gun fights 

Watching him record (tracks/editing/streaming)

•  Loves- loves surprises <like dead ass would set up a surprise date/ do a scavenger hunt for you/ surprise you with your fav thing>

•  Loyalty is everything & his best attribute (& pride) 

• The music that he make is from the soul/heart. He pit everything has has/what he has left into his art

•  No one has seen the real him - a side he truly hides

•  He's both book & street smart

           Taught himself through YouTube/Reedit/online 

•  Fav actors; Jim Carrey/Robbin Williams/Will Smith (?)

•  Man’s straight up dangerous. we only know like a  quarter of him & people fall at his feet. ( h e . i s . n o t . t o . b e. F U C K E D . w i t h) 

•  Hates silence 

         ( constantly needs background noise)  <also can't fight me on this babyboi cuddles pillows/blankets for night-night time>

•  People don't understand the pain he is in every day, unless they have fibromyalgia/GERD/high functioning (sever social)anxiety/depression/ agoraphobia 

(my mom suffers with fibro/depression <I myself have GERD/ sever social amenity/depression>& I wouldn't wish those illness on my worse enemy...)

• Over all pain has changed him

• Has dealt with self harm since a young age- most likely 9- 11 yrs old. (as someone else who’s suffered with SH for years- when you become so numb it 1 of the only ways to feel some sort of anything/makes you feel like you’re alive)

• Addiction (drugs/people/things)

•  Wrote & read a lot of fanfiction

        (most likely his main source of reading in pre/teenage years)

• Is a hopeless romantic but has his guard way up

•  Obsessed with Japan / Studio Ghibli

• Doesn't think he deserves any of the recognition/ fame he's gotten--but definitely deserves it all as he's creative & inspirational as fuck. Also he’s worked so hard for it & had put himself through so much

    Contrary is highly appreciative of those that are supporting

• Doesn't do it for the fame but for the fact he know how he's gotten people through hard time (just like those on the internet got him through)

• Was a scene boy that vibe’d of myspace/ listens to a lot of  ‘scene’ pop-punk, emo/ scene band shit (band?)

•  Also is/was a major tumblr boy

•  Would be a phenomenal father

•   His love language: physical touch & words of affirmation 

• He would flinch at touch movement but would melt in your hands

• Face caresses would trigger anxiety/ tears.. but once he’s calmed/comfortable would burry his face in your touch. neck & chest

•  Still caught up in daydreams

•  A part of him is still never satisfied even if it’s exactly to the pin point detail of what he wanted  

•  Has at least 40/50(ish) songs he hasn't released

•  Mommy & daddy issues (not saying his home life was really- really  fucked - but non the less- it certainly wasn't the best).. Also wants to protect/provide for his family (especially his sister) & was prob closer to a grandparent/aunt/uncle)

•  Definitely prefers to be by himself, as every time people come around, it's like;‘"this is why I'm okay (ish)with being alone" 

• lost an important person to him due to O.D/ suicided..

•  Also most likely to of heard his "friends" shit talking 'Corpse' or something correlated with him

•  His pride is his biggest sin (next to lust)

•  Has single-handedly defined a huge part of 2020 ( in the best way)

•  Went through a fighting stage where he was ready to fuck anyone up on a drop of a dime (middle/'high school'/street fights- possibly even under ground)

          but also a stage where he cut absolutely everyone off for a solid couple years

•  Most likely obsessed with 1 of 3 creatures; lion, dragon, wolf ( 5ish- possibly bear/fox)

•  Dinosaur obsessed 

• Internet & video games raised him

• He raised himself

Quick to adapt to surroundings/situations.

•  Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was his shit ( I CAN SO SEE YOUNG BABYBOI RUNNIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN A POWER RANGER SUIT) "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME MOTHER FUCKER"

              fav ranger- green 

•  Has up until next year planned out & is working on the next 'version of corpse' ( PR, vids, music, etc)

•  Also med/high key this man was most likely in a physcward (more than once) ..

•  This man deserves more than he'll ever give himself recognition for & knows in the back of his mind--people will hate just to hate

•  Rose is his fav flower  🌹

•⛈️��️. >🌞.  Loves storms/ rain & prefers them over sunny days

•  Loves the moon/stars/space (?) < observatorium dates = fuckin mint>

• Pixar/Disney lover

        <still believes- deep down in happy ever after ... but thorough an twisted yet not so twisted- simple(??), dedicated process(?)>

•  Fav Pixar movie.. either Wall.E or Toy Story 

    •  Pixar > Disney

         •  But fav Disney movie- Beauty & the Beast (?)

• Most likely had a Jackass obsession's (doing dumb hoodshit)

•  Fall is his fav season (?)

•  Horror/ thriller movies/shows over everything (obvs)

•   Had an escape place in town where he’d hide from the world- that absolutely no one knew about. 

•  Was really into graffiti/ street art 

•  Arested as a youth - but charges dropped- or was still considered a mirror (either fighting/ possession/ trespassing/ vandalisms)

• Arrested on heavier charges (also same as above - but not tried as an minor)

•  also-ALSO ... thou he feels like he owes people something. HE DOESN’T OWE ANYTHING TO A N Y O N E . His mental & well being is the most important.

•  On a side & major note. You can't deny that this man single handily is a (in my opinion) the 2nd biggest “C” that define 2020.

•  Was most likely really into skateboarding/BMX

• Late night drives/impulsive road trips & playlist/ sitting at lookouts, just in silence & touching 1 another. 

• Clingy af-.. but could also be distance & cold af- especially on high pain days. stormy brain days. PTSD episodes.

• Slow dancing/ dancing around the apartments. with or without music.

• Rocking out with each other- screaming lyrics in each other face.

• “hey baby- how you feelin” 

         *grunting* *shuffles over & lays on chest* 

• Huge comforts for 1 another;

      Especially when going out, being wrapped around him for comfort & reassurance. Even being at home alone together- panic attacks are shit, PTSD episodes are even more shit. helping each other with bathing & caring

     When he’d be hiding from his reflection- or stares just a little too long. Going up behind him & worship him (vise versa)

• He’d be your biggest hypeman/ #1 fan (vise versa)

• Would LOVE you wearing his clothes/jewelry & would love to wear you things.

Was probably engaged to his ex (that's why he gets offt when people mention "corpse wife"

There'd be days where he'd be so distance & cold.. & tell you to leave but wouldn't let you.

He'd sit in the bathroom with you when you shower/have a bath.

As he doesn't sleep most night. He'd be up just watching you sleep & caressing you.

Lil spoon > big spoon.

<more to be added>

I love you... genuinely . turly.  madly. deeply.

[casper-has-a-cat]

AJR appreciation post

because i don’t think enough people have heard neotheater.  some background, their previous album, the click, is a masterpiece in its own right, it came out when i was in college and it captured all of my college feels, not to mention the song about the office (yes, the tv show) which had me genuinely laughing aloud.   but this post will focus on neotheater, because i’ve only just recently finished college and this album perfectly captures new-to-the-real-world feels.

like this album has made me cry so much and in the best ways, it’s been the biggest reassurance because i’ve been on my own for a month and a half now and hearing people that i respect articulating everything surround the fears and pain and sadness of growing up is as heartbreaking as it is comforting.  i’m not the only one who is filled with doubts and uncertainty and having those feelings doesn’t make me a failure, thank goodness.  thank goodness someone put that into music because now i can hear it whenever i need it.

and let me just say, this album has an odd sound.  even for ajr, it’s odd.  it’s extremely theatrical sounding, and that’s not so much my style of music, so at first i was iffy on it, but... it directly ties in to the meaning of the songs and the story that the album as a whole is telling.  the idea of feeling as though you’re being judged and watched and that everyone has expectations for you whether you want an audience or not.  it was a brave move and adds to the authenticity of the album.

so, let’s get on to more specifics!

lyrics that make me cry:

“i wanna be next up forever, find a way to never hit my peak” - next up forever (these made me cry on the first listen, because like, i know they’re talking about music, but that’s such a big mood post-college)

“you’ll sail the ocean finding where you should be.  and if you’re broken, you’ll find your own thing” - next up forever.  there's???  so much in these two lines???  like the idea that life is just one big search is huge, its releases so much stress surrounding the feeling that you should know where you should be as soon as you graduate.  and the second part?  that reassurance that you’ll figure it out, even if you don’t fit, it’s so good

“i wanna move out, i don’t wanna move on” + “i’ll come by when i’m grown, it won’t be the same though, i can’t even go home” - don’t throw out my legos.  honestly the whole song just hits me hard if i’m in the mood.  the profound sadness that comes with growing up and going out on your own is so well articulated in this song, and the metaphor of like.  wanting to keep insignificant things around because if you do, then maybe your younger self can still stick around too.  and then this idea of not having a home, i didn’t even realize it until i heard this but that’s maybe the most painful thing that i’m dealing with right now.  because it takes time to make a home

“you say that i'm better, why don't i feel better? the universe works in mysterious ways, but I'm starting to think it ain't working for me. doctor, should I be good, should I be good this year?” - karma.  i have so much to say about this song and i could’ve included a much longer quote here but this gets the point across.  i think anyone who’s struggled with mental health can probably relate to this.  and i love that it’s (imo) very clearly not dismissing counseling- they’re being honest in that counseling is not a magic solution, it takes work and sometimes it doesn’t seem to be working as well as we want it to, even if we do still see value in it.  and the transition right here, at the end of the song, from the “i’ve been so good this year” to the question - should i even be good this year if it’s not making me feel better?  that’s what really got me.

“dear winter, don’t move too far away.” + “will we still hang out and talk when i’m no longer in charge?” - dear winter.  this song makes me cry every time i hear it no lie.  apparently when ryan (the lyricist) played it for his brother for the first time, his brother also sobbed so i guess it only makes sense.  but yeah this specific verse kills me a lot because this is exactly where i’m at right now.  i moved too far away.  i hate how painful that is for my parents.  i had to do it but it still hurts every time i hear this.

“they wanted heaven from me, i gave ‘em hell.  now they want something bigger, i’m overwhelmed” - finale.  this lyric is preceded by 4 repetitions of the line “they wanted,” and the first two times it’s sung in a deep tone, but the third and fourth times it’s sung in a higher tone, and the singer sounds more energetic and maybe even high-strung, it’s like he’s rejecting “their” opinion.  and then you get this lyric about heaven and hell and you see that he did something unexpected, he’s decided not to be “their” version of perfect and done something that “they” didn’t want, and maybe he thought he’d be free from “them” after that, but it turns out just the opposite happened.  

“just don’t forget about me when you get out of college” - finale.  it’s such a good double meaning.  it’s playing off of them being scared that they’re music will lose popularity when their audience graduates, but it’s also like... talking to college friends.  don’t forget about me.  and also the world?  and this is where things get complex with the idea of having an audience.  on one hand the expectations are oppressive and confining, but at least someone’s watching as we grow up, but when we graduate it does feel a bit like society no longer cares about us so much.  at least, it did for me.  so i guess this line could have a triple meaning?

lyrics that make me laugh:

“thank you for coming to my birthday party, i am one minute old today” - birthday party.  honestly, every lyric in this song makes me laugh, it’s just such a fucking hilarious song, and like, dark humor all the way???  but this specific lyric is said in such a funny way i love it.  i actually can’t think of any other song that’s made me laugh so hard.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you ugly, life gives you lemons, at least it gave you something” - break my face.  there’s a whole aspect of this song that’s really tongue-in-cheek.  like it’s funny because they’re taking an idiom and really looking it in the eyes and being candid, like okay let’s stop sugarcoating things, what doesn’t kill you might not make you stronger but it’ll make you ugly!  but then the song as a whole can totally be read as a satire on people who are so critical of anyone who complains, or those people who are always like “look on the bright side” and “why can’t you just be happy!” and anyway it’s so genius

extra notes:

100 bad days hasn't made me laugh or cry aloud but it’s still such an important song imo.  “a hundred bad days made a hundred good stories, a hundred bad days made me interesting at parties, no i ain’t scared of you, no i ain’t scared of you no more” it’s such a powerful mantra to keep in mind when things get rough.  idk if that last part was meant for this, but as someone with social anxiety and probably agoraphobia, it’s just been really empowering

turning out pt. ii... i don’t personally relate to this song as much as most of the others, and yet it still makes me profoundly sad.  honestly i don’t like listening to it because of that?  but also it kind of... doesn’t feel as clever to me as the other songs.  like i could’ve written those lyrics.  which is something i rarely feel about ajr songs.  idk, maybe it’s better if you relate more! and i’m biased probably because of how much i loved and related tot turning out pt. i and this wasn’t what i expected.

the entertainment’s here articulates something that scares me a lot?  how easy technology makes it to ignore real life, how tempting it is to just watch netflix or youtube videos or whatever.  so i avoid this song a bit as well.  i think it’s clever as hell, but it scares me and i’m a coward

beats: i’m just gonna say it, it’s my least favorite song on the album.  the idea is funny but to me the implementation isn’t the best?  it’s not that clever imo?  it’s very repetitive and i think that was supposed to like, go along with the meaning of the song, of echoing and doing what others are doing for success, but for me it’s just ultimately kinda... meh.

wow, i’m not crazy: kinda like 100 bad days, hasn’t made me laugh or cry aloud but this song is really important to me.  it makes me happy.  the idea of finding people who are crazy in the same way you are, and how that can make you love yourself so much more.  i love that.

okay yep we stop here!  honestly there are more lyrics that i love but this is an essay already sooooo.  yeah.  i love this album.

[aqenta]

“AGORAPHOBIA”, a study based on the painting “Kissing Cupid,” for The Saturday Evening Post, by J.C. Leyendecker.

I know this is probably a harsh Mother’s Day tribute to a lot of people, so I hope everyone will give me a chance to explain my conflicted feelings on Jester and the relationship with her mother. Critical Role is very therapeutic for many people in many ways, myself included.

My mother suffered from depression and very intense anxiety for as long as I can remember. As a child, of course, I didn’t have any concept of mental health. I just knew mom took pills sometimes.

I say ‘sometimes’ because she didn’t always have her pills. Money was tight in our household, and my mother, as far as I know, was never able to afford health insurance for the both of us – only for me.

She always made sure I went to the doctor, while at the same time, struggled to be able to pay for her own medication. There were large periods of time as a child where I remember thinking of her as lazy because she was unable to get or hold down a job.

For a long time we lived on government assistance and sporadic child support payments from my dad. She was often drunk during these periods, and on several occasions, it even threatened her life. I never knew how to help her, or how to -deal- with her.

Her anxiety and paranoia were the worst parts of her mental illness. Not only would she not go out of the house (save to drive me to school), she also began imposing her anxiety onto me. Everyone was out to get us. She obsessed over what I did, and who I was seeing/out with.

I wasn’t allowed to see friends, or do anything without a chaperone. She stalked what I did online (as I naturally became more introverted, most of my friends became online friends), even going so far as to harass people she didn’t like for perceived slights/danger.

An adult now, I think often about the kind of person I am, and the kind of child that I was. How my mother’s anxiety groomed me, in a sense, into being a certain way. I loved my mom. So much. It was just us for a very long time, and she was my best friend.

Jester and her mother's relationship reminds me, in so many ways, of what I went through growing up, albeit in a slightly different way. Seeing Matt and Laura roleplay these two characters is both a gift, and incredibly frustrating at the same time.

Every sending, you can feel the genuine warmth that Marion feels each time her wayward daughter contacts her, every time she finds out that she’s still alright, somewhere out there in the big, scary world that she fears. I love that, so, so much.

But at the same time, I’m desperate for her to get the closure that I couldn’t. To ask, “Why did you do this to me? Why did you keep me inside? Why did you leave me alone?”

I feel like there has to be so much pent up emotion in Jester, so much that she never had a chance to get out, because she felt scared of making her mother dislike her. Of pushing her away more. Of losing her love, and her attention.

This is the sort of thing I hope to see from the characters in the future. I want to see not only Jester’s love for her mother, but her resentment as well. Her anger, her pain. But more than that, I want them to get through it together, and come out stronger on the other side.

Today, I experience a lot of the same symptoms that my mother had regarding her depression and anxiety. I understand her a lot better now than I ever did, and yet, there are so many questions that I wish I could ask her.

My recommendation today, Mother’s Day, is that you not only spend time with the mothers in your life, but also don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to leave an abusive family relationship, if you’re in one. Don’t be afraid to reach out if there’s been a falling out.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your mom (or any parent/guardian) about things that have been done or said that have hurt you. Don’t be afraid to call them out. And don’t be afraid to forgive.

We’re only on this rock floating in space for a short time. And you never know when something might take the people you care about away, either expectedly, or unexpectedly.

Anyway, sorry for the novel! I sincerely hope that everyone has a warm and bright Mother’s Day.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Honesty it seems like for most of my life people have just never been able to take my loneliness seriously. In HS I had a “friend” who was a gay man. We were both out to each to each other and he actually had like 3 long term bfs in high school while the most I had was a text based “relationship” with a woman who was in hospital for the entire time we were together and I saw like once and was also probably too old for me at the time but no one wanted to care about that. He would come to me and talk about how lonely he was, and I would listen, I would tell him how sorry I am he has to go through that, I told him I know how painful it is but I have faith he’ll find someone. I told him it’s okay to be upset and angry. I told him I’m always here if he ever needs to talk about, if he even has to repeat the same thing over and over. I told him I know loneliness is painful and I’m sorry he has to feel that way. I try to talk about being lonely??? “It’s different for you. It’s just not the same.” EXCUSE ME????? At the time I never said anything because I thought he was just dealing with his own struggles that way and I didn’t want to make him feel bad. The bets part is even now, he has long term boyfriend m they rent an apartment together, and last year, when I thought maybe we could fix things, I mentioned that loneliness again, and you know what, he shut me down and pushed my issues aside. He was in and is still in a happy relationship but he couldn’t even give me a slither or compassion. But it seems even now when I talk about it people don’t want to take me seriously. I talk about it with my family and they either walk away, brush me off or just don’t respond. I don’t know why people always want to push aside my pain. Loneliness is painful for me. Not having anyone around me is painful. I’m so touch starved it’s crazy but I’m called annoying at home when I ask for hugs. Yet people still wont just acknowledge it for some reason. As if telling me I’m not lonely will suddenly make me no longer feel that way. I’m allowed to be upset over being lonely. I’m allowed to be scared of the future because I think it holds nothing but loneliness. The sadness I feel leaves we with constant heart ache. I wholeheartedly genuinely do not believe I’m going to find someone, but I keep looking because I’m so, so desperate for just that one percent of a chance that I don’t have to feel this way anymore. I know for some people it isn’t a big deal. But it’s a big deal to me. It’s easy to just look at me as being sensitive and a crybaby when you have someone. But I don’t have someone , so it is a big deal to me. I can complain about my loneliness, you can tell me it’s not a big deal, and then go be with your partner while I’m still alone. I’m tired of my family just dismissing how I feel. Loneliness is a disease, and when you feel unlovable, when you feel ugly, when you feel worthless, when you have mental illnesses and physically bad health up the wazoo, it makes it worse. So much worse. I feel like I’m just running in circles at this point, trying to escape something I’m tied to for life and I just wish people who listen to me when I talk about how damaging, debilitating and outright painful this loneliness is. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say this loneliness is killing me. This loneliness makes my ED worse, this loneliness makes my depression worse, this loneliness makes my self harming worse, this loneliness makes my OCD worse, this loneliness makes my agoraphobia worse. This loneliness dwindles my will to live. This loneliness is both physically, emotionally and spiritually slowly killing me from the inside out and making all my problems that much worse and I just wish people would listen to me and believe me when I tell them that. Maybe loneliness isn’t something that really affects them, but it affects me and it’s painful

[nellie-elizabeth]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: I Am Ashamed (4x02)

Another great episode. I am a broken record!

Cons:

Okay, so this isn't really like a big complaint or problem or anything, but I found it a bit odd that Rebecca had this cathartic moment in the graveyard at the end, and then after that moment, Patton Oswalt pops out of nowhere and a large group number about "shame" happens. It was a great song, but usually the musical numbers help us to understand a bit about why the characters are feeling the way they're feeling, and in this case, we had all of the emotional work, and then the song felt almost like an afterthought. I may be nitpicking just a little bit.

Pros:

Let's start with Darryl and White Josh's story. Last week I got really freaked out when I didn't see White Josh, so I was glad he made an appearance here. Darryl is scared that he won't be able to give his new daughter, Hebecca, all of the advantages she would have if she had a mother, too. He's especially worried about breast milk, and ends up going online to buy some. This leads him to driving all over town and leaving a reluctant WhiJo in charge of the baby. Josh comes over and the two Joshes dress the baby up in a cute Halloween costume and actually have an okay time. As the episode ends, Darryl's ex-wife, and his older daughter, both reassure Darryl that he's a great father and that the baby will be just fine in his care.

This was, in a lot of ways, your standard comedy fare. Darryl's antics go way overboard, and in the end he learns a good lesson about his own value and abilities. I actually really appreciated that simplicity, if I'm being honest. Since this is the last season, I'm starting to wonder about the "endgames" for the various characters on the show. Rebecca is such a fascinating lead, and thinking about where her story is going is a whole complex thought process by itself, but there's everybody else too. Will White Josh and Darryl reunite? Or will either of them end up with another romantic partner by the end of the show? One thing I will say: I'm grateful that they can still be in each other's lives, and it was cute to see White Josh's reactions to the adorable baby. He may not want kids, but he's pretty good with them!

We actually have a story focused around the law firm, which doesn't happen as often as it probably should. Basically, Nathaniel comes back and is ready to go back to work, only to find that his father has brought in the "silent partner" that Rebecca found through BPD therapy, and that this guy has been put in charge instead. Nathaniel decides to fight back, and learns in the end that his father actually only brought this guy in to try to shock Nathaniel out of his weird mental breakdown. I've got to say, I really love Nathaniel, and I feel so genuinely bad for him. I want him to find happiness. I loved the moment early on when Paula mentioned Rebecca, and Nathaniel tried to brush it off, but he slips up and makes it pretty obvious that he cares about her and what she's going through. The poor guy cannot catch a break.

I also like him taking ownership of the firm and trying to bring things back to the status quo. He didn't quite "stand up" to his father in the big way that I'd love to see some day, but he did stick to his guns and he tried his hardest to get what he wanted. We'll have to see how things go moving forward, now that there's this random, untrained man in the mix of the firm, who can pretty much do whatever he wants! Also, it was nice to see characters like Tim and Maya. They added some nice light comedy.

The main plot thread is spooooky, and also contains both songs of the hour. Basically, Rebecca has developed some agoraphobia, a consequence of the whole community now knowing all of her darkest secrets. She's worried everyone will hate her, and she's feeling a great deal of shame about her past. Things take an odd turn when she becomes convinced that her house is haunted, and convinces her friends to do a seance that at first appears to actually... work? Of course, in the end there's a perfectly rational explanation that Heather and Paula believe, while Rebecca and Valencia prefer to keep their minds open. So to speak.

This is the kind of plot thread that just screams over-the-top silliness, and it is silly. But it's also grounded by real emotion. The first song, "Time to Seize the Day" captures Rebecca's fear of confronting the outside world. It uniquely fits her situation, but is also just so, so identifiable, as she remains inside all day, distracting herself with facts about stingrays, with porn, with cleaning out her fridge, all to avoid venturing outside of the house. The song itself is sort of a basic musical theatre number, completely its own thing and not a parody of a particular song or genre. It's funny and very Rebecca-ish in its silliness, but it shows that now that Rebecca is fully taking ownership for her crap, she also has to deal with the shame of that.

And speaking of, I really did love the final song of the episode, called "The Cringe." The costumes, the choreography, each individual joke, all landed perfectly and made me smile the whole way through, even if I did question slightly the placement of the song within the context of the episode as a whole.

Because the moment right before it... let me tell ya. Rachel Bloom is a talented actress. When she gives flowers to the girl she believes was haunting her house, she is so expressive, so genuinely empathetic, that you start to find yourself emotional about this dead woman who, frankly, has nothing to do with anything. And it was an acknowledgement that the ghost, real or not, was connected to Rebecca's emotional and internal journey. She needed to come to terms with her shame and decide to go out and face the world anyway.

Also, shout out to the comedy in general this episode, especially my girls Heather and Valencia. They were both so great! Valencia talking about ghosts being obsessed with her... and Heather and Hector in bed together talking about Hocus Pocus, and Heather being disappointed that Hector's favorite part is a cliche... all of that was hilarious and perfect.

As always, I adore this show and I can't wait for more!

8.5/10

[fixaidea]

For the hurt/comfort prompts--16 for Enjolras and Feuilly? ^_^

If Feuillyhad to pin down when exactly all of this started, he would have chosen themoment he figured out he was bi.

While hewas reasonably certain all the core members of the ABC would be just fine withit he desperately needed to hear it spoken out loud, to have it affirmed. Heneeded to formally come out to someone.

But who?His only options were the members of the ABC – he had no living family and noclose friends outside the group. But who to single out? Because it had to be oneperson, standing up in front of the whole group or casually dropping it in arandom conversation was out of the question.

After along, agonising deliberation his choice fell on Enjolras, who, while not asopenly invested in others’ personal lives as Courfeyrac gave off an air ofsteady trustworthiness and could be relied on not to pass on Feuilly’sconfession, even by accident – exactly what Feuilly needed.

As itturned out he chose right – Enjolras listened to him with his usual serioussolemnity. When Feuilly was done Enjolras fixed his intense, sincere gaze athim, squeezed his hand and thanked him for his bravery. That day Feuilly wenthome lightheaded, grinning with relief.

After thatsomething shifted in their relationship. Whenever Feuilly felt the heavy wingsof loneliness close in around him, threatening to suffocate him he would seekout Enjolras. He would usually find an interesting political or historical topic,sidle up to Enjolras and bring it up in conversation. Enjolras jumped on theopportunity with great gusto and these conversations often stretched late intothe night.

Beforelong, Feuilly found himself straight up spilling his guts to Enjolras. Almostwithout his conscious permission all his secrets and fears started to bleedinto their discussions.

The day hiscreeping fear of wide open spaces came tumbling out he knew he was in too deep.For a horrible moment he was scared Enjolras would back away, tell him to keepthese things to himself, but he never did. He listened, solemn and sincere asalways, pulled Feuilly into a tight embrace and thanked him for his trust inhim.

The firsttime Feuilly stayed the night was about a week after this, on a Friday. He hadan especially long and hard day at the end of an especially long and hard weekand he just couldn’t bear to be alone. He wound up on Enjolras’ threshold withouteven thinking about what he was doing. He was ushered in with no fusswhatsoever – they spent the rest of the afternoon watching a documentary aboutthe Ukrainian Black Army, curled up on Enjolras’ couch.

After thatthey fell into a routine: every Friday afternoon Feuilly would come over withsnacks, sometimes a bottle of wine and they would spend the night and Saturdaymorning together. Feuilly swore that the moment it started to look like he wasimposing he would cut it out and back away, but Enjolras seemed to enjoy hiscompany. He carried himself with more ease than he did at the meetings or evenwhen hanging out with the rest of the group, and every now and then he evengraced Feuilly with a genuine, happy smile.

There wassomething about that smile, warm and lovely as it was, that bothered Feuilly.It took him a long while to figure out what, but when he did, he had to fightthe urge to bang his head against a wall, it was so obvious.

It was itsabsence. These nights were the only occasions Feuilly has ever seen Enjolrassmile like that.

Since thefirst time they met Feuilly always assumed that Enjolras’ melancholy appearancewas just that – the way his face looked by default. His too thin eyelidsalways made his eyes look red-rimmed and his emotions hard to read. Or maybenot even hard to read, just easy to overlook. Having seen Enjolras smiling andhappy threw his usual behaviour into stark contrast. He wasn’t neutral – he wassad. His default emotion was sadness.

Now thatFeuilly realised this he started to keep a closer eye on his friend. There wassomething stilted about him – unless he was talking politics, the only time heallowed his passion to flow freely. He seemed to hold himself under strictcontrol – more than once Feuilly caught him tugging at his ponytail or rockingin his seat, only to immediately cease and freeze into a motionless statue whenhe realised he was being watched. Any time Feuilly asked him if something waswrong he was brushed off with a shrug and an ‘I’m fine’.

Enjolrasalso forgot to eat and he was working too much – much more than Feuillyoriginally thought. He was way too pale to be healthy, constantly zoned out,and even on their sacred Fridays Feuilly would hear him pace or type away onhis laptop after he thought Feuilly was already asleep, often into the wee hoursof the night.

And still,any and all attempts at trying to help were shot down with an ‘I’m fine’.

Things cameto a head when one day Feuilly caught him in the middle of what looked verymuch like a panic attack in the bathroom of the Musain. He was leaning on oneof the sinks, breath shallow and erratic, eyes wide and too bright. When henoticed Feuilly he shook himself, brushed past him and hurried away beforeFeuilly could even open his mouth.

This wouldnot stand.

Feuillydidn’t try to confront him for the rest of the meeting, but he did follow himhome. Once inside Enjolras’ flat be pushed his friend down onto the sofa andplopped down beside him with a heavy sigh.

‘Stoptelling me you’re okay.’

Enjolraswouldn’t look at him.

‘Please’Feuilly went on ‘I can tell something is eating away at you. You keep helpingme, won’t you let me help you too?’

Enjolrascrossed his arms and shrugged.

‘It’s notthe same.’

‘How so?’

‘It’s… I’mfine. Nothing happened to me.’

Feuillyfrowned.

‘Yourealise you don’t… Sometimes you will feel down with no reason at all, right?Let’s say one or both of my parents are alive. I still have the exact sameproblems: the nightmares, the panic, the agoraphobia, and I still choose toshare them with you. Would you tell me to man up because nothing has happened to me?’

Enjolraslooked positively scandalised.

‘Of coursenot!’

‘Well then.Why is me wanting to help you so different from you helping me?’

Enjolrasshrugged again. His back was ramrod straight and so stiff it seemed like hewould snap and break in half any moment now.

‘You areimportant. And good. Of course I want to make you happy, anyone would.’

Feuillyblinked. He felt a nasty, cold spike of unease stab at his belly, rapidlyspreading upwards to grab his throat from the inside.

‘That’s nota difference. Not at all. You’re also important!’

Enjolrassaid nothing but he did let out a dry, mirthless chuckle.

‘Useful,maybe.’

‘I – WHAT?Useful? Useful?! What the hell? Isthat what you think about us? About me? That we only keep you around becauseyou are useful?’

‘Why else?’Enjolras’ voice had a desperate edge, high-pitched and brittle. He crossed hisarms even more tightly, it was beginning to look as if he was hugging himself.He took a deep breath, forced his voice back to almost-normal and went on.

‘I’m boringand weird. I’m no fun. I’m unfeeling, a statue. I don’t have a single lovablequality.’

Feuillyfelt his belly freeze up. A horrible wave of nausea clawed its way up histhroat. He was paralysed, caught between wanting to hug Enjolras and shake himand scream into his face, scream until he understood what utter bullshit he wastalking. Thankfully the part of his brain that wasn’t completely clouded overwith shock caught that latter impulse, knowing it would be counterproductive,to put it mildly. Instead he reached out and very carefully laid a hand onEnjolras’ back.

‘Please tellme you don’t actually believe that. You are a good person. You are charming andkind and interesting. You are so warm and loving – nobody in his right mindcould ever call you unfeeling. Not after getting to know you!’

Enjolras’breath was getting more and more ragged. He started to rock in his seat, caughthimself and froze into a brittle, trembling statue. Feuilly scooted closer andgently slid an arm around his shoulders. When he was met with no resistance hetightened his hold a little and began to rock from side to side, pullingEnjolras with him.

Enjolrasshuddered and broke. He slumped against Feuilly’s side. Feuilly carefullyguided him down until his head was resting on his lap. Enjolras went withoutprotest and hid his face against Feuilly’s thighs and fisted his trousers. Hisshoulder was shaking with sobs, he curled into a small, keening, miserableball, desperately nuzzling into the embrace Feuilly offered.

They stayedlike that for a long while, Feuilly rocking Enjolras as he sobbed his heart outin his arms. Feuilly pulled him close and rubbed the back of his hand with histhumb.

After whatfelt like an eternity Enjolras quieted down and lay limply in Feuilly’s lap,silent, utterly spent. Feuilly stroked his arm, as if trying to smooth out thetears and wears on his soul with his touch. When Enjolras spoke up his voicewas hoarse but cautiously hopeful.

‘Are wefriends?’

Feuillysqueezed his shoulder.

‘Of coursewe are friends.’

Enjolraswas silent for a beat.

‘I know it,you know. In here’ he tapped his head ‘On the good days I can even believe it.Today was bad. Could you please… could you maybe say it again? Out loud?’

Feuillyswallowed against the lump in his throat.

‘We arefriends. The others all think of you as their friend. They love you. I love youand you deserve it. You deserve to be loved. You are important. Not for thecause, not because you are useful. You matter to us. We love you.’

Enjolrasturned in his arms and nuzzled his face into his belly. A sudden burst ofwarmth exploded inside Feuilly’s chest as his stomach tied itself into knots.He didn’t know how deep Enjolras’ pain went or what exactly caused it, but hehoped that with this first crack the walls he pulled around himself wouldeventually crumble and he would allow Feuilly to help him. That with time hewould heal. Feuilly bent down and pressed a small kiss to Enjolras’ temple.

‘We loveyou so much!’

[zzwheels1912-blog]

Why the Fuck Not?

Today is December 24th, 2018.  It is 9:17 pm.  This is the moment I will remember for the rest of my days as the moment my life has changed.  Yes, I’m a little high right now (on my medical marijuana) (wait - why should I defend why I’m high.  It’s my business, not yours) but I swear to you I will be different from this moment on.  For the last year I’ve been bulimic.  More specifically, I’ve been secretly bulimic.  Not so much in the last 3 months, but for the 11 prior to that I was definitely bulimic.  I would even say hardcore bulimic.  I lost more than 25 pounds in five months. - side note - I actually just thought of writing four months instead of the honest five because I somehow thought that would be more impressive.  What the actual fuck?

So, back to the bulimia.  It started in October when I went out for lunch with my grandparents, had an upset stomach, and projectile vomited on my driveway/shoes.  After that, I continued to have an odd nausea that seemed to follow me (probably for a few weeks) and I found that this nausea was a perfect way to avoid eating.  Well I’m not the type of person who can just not eat.  I don’t have that life skill.  Or dying skill?  I needed to eat and as a side effect of my marijuana, I needed to eat A LOT.  Plus, who doesn’t like food?  It’s literally our purpose in life.  So, I found that I could go into the bathroom after I ate a lot and shove my fingers down my throat and vomit up what I had just eaten, and when I came out of the bathroom I wasn’t faced with suspicion, I was met with concern.  -another side note - Why I thought I’d be met with suspicion I do not know.  My parents trust me implicitly.  

Again, back to the bulimia.  The concern I was met with forced me to come up with an explanation (or we can call it what it really was; an excuse).  I decided to narrow in on one of the new medications I had been prescribed (I have severe depression, but that’s another story).  This medication had a side effect warning of nausea and vomiting so it actually worked out perfectly for me.  My parents suggested coming off of the medication, but I wouldn’t do it because I hadn’t felt this good in the last decade.  And the thing is, I GENUINELY believed that I was feeling better because of the medication.  I thought for sure that the med was the reason I was happier and not the two years of Electroconvulsive Therapy, frequent psychologist visits, many medications, and a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy group at a mental health hospital.  Or because I was finally losing weight.  Weight that I had accumulated in the previous decade when I had been meds that had weight gain as a side effect, and the chronic, unrelenting hell my depression was forcing me to live in.  Looking back, I think it’s mostly that depression that helped me gain the weight and less the meds.  I eat when I’m sad.  Or bored.  And believe me - as an agoraphobic, socially anxious, and utterly depressed person, you’re often sad.  And bored.  

I was the thinnest I had ever been, and I was the happiest I had been in literally longer than I can remember.  I knew it was the meds.  And I didn’t even consider my newfound confidence and happiness was from being thinner than my older sister for the first time in my life.  But here’s the thing - I think it was.  I now know that it was never the medication.  It was the compliments.  It was the new clothes.  It was putting on my old pants and complaining that they were now huge on me.  What a fucking awful person I must be.  Or am I just a fucking idiot who let the outside world tell me what I should be.  Personally, I think it’s a little bit of both.  Maybe I craved the attention, both positive and negative, and maybe I craved the freedom to finally eat whatever I wanted and not worry about gaining weight.  What my family and friends must have gone through.  I can’t imagine.  So worried about my health, but so happy to see me happy.  Fuck it, it’s definitely more awful person than fucking idiot.

And my family and friends were worried.  I could see it on their faces every time I came out of the bathroom with a red face, bloodshot eyes, and broken blood vessels.  For eleven months I put my loved ones through this.  For eleven months I was more selfish than I can ever imagine being.  And still I was happy.  But here’s the weird part - I wasn’t happy in my body.  I still thought I was too big, and saw a flabby stomach in the mirror. - side note #3 - I love the word flabby.  I’m claiming that word as my own.  I think that’s how I’ll describe my stomach from now on.  That makes me smile.

I was unhappy because I had body dysmorphia; something I knew about, and could discuss, but never thought to apply to myself.  That’s what it was, and probably what it is today.  It took me eleven months to break my vow of vomiting and I only broke it because I wasn’t that great at it anymore.  Seriously, it was just getting harder to get myself to vomit.  I guess I developed a tolerance for it.  And then I enrolled full time in college and the stress was my excuse to eat more and more.  Not even unhealthy food either - not that it matters - but I still like to tell people that I gained 7 pounds of Jif’s chunky peanut butter and granny smith apples.  Which is actually pretty accurate, though admittedly probably more peanut butter than apple.

And then my agoraphobia came back and I quit college and I said “fuck it” and ate whatthehellever I wanted to.  So, couple of pounds later, here I am, pretty much exactly right back where I began.  Except that was before 9:17.  That was before my life changed.  My life has genuinely changed because I’ve read the first 22 pages of Jes Baker’s “Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls”. Jesus Christ, imagine where I’ll be when I finish the book.  Or even the second chapter.  Now I love my body.  Or at least I’m damned well trying to.  And I’m believing it.  Which is kind of amazing because I haven’t believed that since the fourth grade.  I kind of like my flabby stomach and my thick upper arms.  Maybe this means that I can wear guys clothes, or hell, even make my own, instead of fucking crop tops.  -side note #4 - Don’t fucking get me started on crop tops.  Don’t give a shit if you wear one, but why are you paying for half a shirt???  Get your money’s worth girl.

Why should I wear guys clothes because my body doesn’t fit perfectly (according to society) into size small, you ask?  Well because I like guys clothes.  They’re more comfortable and I like the tops that have half length sleeves in a different colour than the chest (no fucking idea what those are called).  And I like dresses.  Frilly, froofy, British royalty, or Tahani-from-The-Good-Place dresses.  But I can never find any that fit correctly or that aren’t obscenely expensive, so maybe I’ll just take up sewing and make my own.  Because why the fuck not.

I think that’s how I’m going to live my life from now on.  Whenever I look in the mirror and question how I look and if I should keep this top on, I’m going to say to myself “well, why the fuck not?”  If I like it, why the fuck not?  If I like boyfriend jeans and baggy tops or dress up to the nines; why the fuck not?  If I think it’s right thing to do, will make me or someone else happy, then WHY THE FUCK NOT.

[icanonlybe-human]

Today was great until it was crap.

My parents and I spent the day at the cinema, ended up watching two movies. Dad made me feel bad about making him watch the 1st movie. Mum made me feel bad about info dumping on her about the background of the first movie. The second movie was fine. I got home and started thinking about the relentless death March of time and how I truly despise it. How much I wanted to stay in that sweet moment.

So, I’ve been having the usual shit that comes with staying in The Godforsaken Bed. Like, yes it sucks when I have to deal with the usual shit every night (severe anxiety, clinical depression that is becoming drug resistant, agoraphobia, PTSD as well as the usual problems with having autism and ADHD), but having the PTSD and anxiety on higher alert than usual sucks. But you know what sucks more? When you’ve got all that going on normally only for it to be worsened ten-fold due to the general shitshow of your life.

So, my cousin texted me about the Mother’s Day gift I gave Nan. It was meant to be a lighthearted text but ended with me having a meltdown. The gift we were talking about has a swear word on it and Nan refuses to use it. Everyone laughs about it, but Nan keeps joking about how she wants to take it to the Op Shop. Except, tonight it didn’t feel like a joke when my cousin mentioned it. Because yesterday, when Nan was talking about taking it to the Op Shop in front of me, I said she couldn’t take it to the Op Shop. She said “but I can’t wear them, dahl”. And, I know it sounds stupid, but it sounded so sincere that she really didn’t want my present. So that, paired with a thing that happened last weekend (another thing I accidentally did to upset Nan, surprise surprise) that the family kept teasing me about made me feel like a useless pile of shit covered trash. So I was feeling crap about all of that, started crying in front of my parents and Mum told me that I was overthinking things again and to cut it out. Right, because telling me something I already know is so fucking helpful /sarcasm

Then, I vented on an autistic chat on discord and realised that the only person who has genuinely asked if I was okay this year (we’re now in the 6th month of the year), was a guy I met on the internet. Like, don’t get me wrong, I love them for being there for me even though they don’t really know me (yet knows parts of me no one else could ever understand), and the fact that I have someone like that in my life. But… the fact that I have real life friends and family who say they care about me and yet don’t check in on me even though I check on them… it hurts like fucking hell. The fact that I was openly crying in front of my parents and they couldn’t give a bigger shit - these the people who created me and raised me and literally paid for me to exist and are meant to care the most.

No one ever cares properly until you say you’re going to off yourself. And then it’s “why would you ever do that? You have so many people that love you!” Real love, is giving a shit when someone else is hurting, broken, in pain and literally crying out for help. Love isn’t stating the obvious or asking where thoughts came from when someone has a meltdown. Love is supporting people. I don’t have that, with anyone it seems. Except for some random I met on the internet.

Now tell me, how am I supposed to not be suicidal when this is happening in the lead up to that thought process. When it comes to this stuff, it isn’t “I suddenly want to d*e for no reason. There is a long build up before, and there is an after. And if we choose to live, then we have to deal with the same shit we had to deal with beforehand before people only give a shit for a fleeting moment when you tell them just how sick you are.

It seems in my survival effort to become invisible to neurotypicals, I have become too invisible - even to my parents and family and supposed friends.

You always feel the most alone when you are surrounded by people you know… and they don’t notice or care about you.

I hope this made sense, I’m a bit sleep deprived at the moment. And emotional.

[pride-vns-blog]

LGBTQ VN Week: Day Four! (6/21)

Wow, we’re already at the fourth day of LGBTQ visual novel recommendations! You’ve probably seen this preface on previous parts of this list, but if you haven’t read my first post, that writeup’s “One note before we get started” section, explains more clearly what this list is and why I’m writing it!

Plenty of visual novels talk about sex and intimacy, so for today, I’ve set aside four with my personal favorite approaches to the topic — CODE:Phantasm’s 404 Error: Connection Not Found, parade’s No Thank You!!!, SugarScript’s Cute Demon Crashers, and Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim, plus a conversation with Mitch about his creative process on Tusks.

Head on in to hear about your little brother dyeing his hair pink, a truly inscrutable protagonist, freeloading demons playing Mario Kart, and inspirational Skyrim mods!

404 ERROR: CONNECTION NOT FOUND (CODE:PHANTASM)

Itchio Tagline: “Sometimes connecting to others is harder than loneliness.” Genre(s): Slice of life; drama. Release Date: July 30th, 2017 (demo); TBA (full version). Content Warnings: Text-only depiction of sex and sex work; adult content.

404 Error: Connection Not Found is the story of Ren Matsuura, a camboy who ran away from home after turning eighteen and supports himself financially through camming — but thanks to his agoraphobia and general anxiety, he rarely goes outside, to the point that he’s pared all his social connections down to casual conversations with his clients and lying to his younger brother Haru about what he does for a living. When his brother decides to come visit for the first time since Ren moved out, Ren is forced to confront the fact that his guilt and shame have driven him into a corner with no support system. In the span of the demo, he starts to try and reach out to the clients he has a more regular relationship with to prepare him for Haru’s eventual visit, ending on a cliffhanger that seems to be leading directly into the plotline of the main story.

This visual novel’s demo is the shortest of all the stories on my entire list, to my knowledge, but it’s also the most memorable demo I’ve played in a long, long while. As someone who’s had to contend with similar mental illnesses in the past — paranoia and agoraphobia unsurprisingly have a pretty high degree of comorbidity! — I felt like Ren’s slow struggle to make progress for the sake of his younger brother was written sincerely, thoughtfully, and believably in the timespan of a single demo playthrough. Ren can be funny, when he’s not spiraling internally, and his rocky progress at trying to talk to others more honestly is loaded with plenty of funny jokes and quips about his takes on things. He’s a sympathetic, well-rounded protagonist who comes across strongly in the demo alone, and I ended up really rooting for him to make it to a place where he was happier with his life.

There’s another aspect to the story that I ended up really liking, too: the fact that sex work, especially jobs like camming, can be extremely common among LGBTQ people who can’t support themselves financially in other ways. Ren can’t go outside and can’t interact with many people without severe, earth-shattering anxiety attacks (a few of which we see in the demo!), so this job is what he’s got. It’s a job that’s sustained him for years, and although it’s certainly fed into his own relative isolation, 404 Error seemed to walk that careful balance of making it explicit that it’s Ren’s own lack of steady support for his mental illness instead of the simple fact that he does sex work that causes his interpersonal problems. I’m optimistic about the remainder of the story’s handling of those kinds of things, too, because what was present in the demo was sympathetic and sincere! There’s not very many sex workers or camgirls/camboys in visual novels outside of an extremely tiny handful, let ones alone in conjunction to stories that acknowledge of the way LGBTQ people as a whole can struggle with more convential jobs, so Ren’s genuinely empathetic personality and the hope I have for his future makes me excited to see where CODE:Phantasm takes 404 Error from here.

404 Error: Connection Not Found’s free Yaoi Game Jam demo is available now, and you can follow the CODE:Phantasm team on Itch.io, Twitter, or Tumblr to stay updated on their progress with Ren’s story.

NO THANK YOU!!! (PARADE)

MangaGamer Tagline: “This summer vacation begins with a car accident...” Genre(s): Comedy; drama; mystery. Release Date: June 28, 2013 (Japanese); February 27, 2015 (English).  Content Warnings: Adult content; multiple sex scenes; frequent sexual harassment; blood; drugs; violence; death.

Right off the bat, I think parade’s debut visual novel (as a studio, at least) does a lot of interesting things and definitely seems to be aiming high with creating distinct, memorable stories. The art in No Thank You!!! is gorgeous, its voice acting is top-tier, a lot of the side characters are compelling even beyond the space or role the narrative gives them, and the love interests alone are all fully-realized characters with interesting stories. Romance option Ryu’s route, in particular, fleshes out the larger sense of mystery and the other characters to an astounding degree! That’s to say nothing of the most unique mechanic — which I mostly call the NTY!!! button — that offers you the chance to say “no thank you” in a variety of scenes without always telling you what it is you’re saying that to. It’s occasionally a little too easy to guess, but at certain points I ended up lulled into a false sense of security with that easiness that the game was all too ready to take advantage of with a much less obvious choice.

One of the sticking points with No Thank You!!! that I’ve seen other players express, on the other hand, is the way protagonist Haru is written. That’s not to say his writing specifically is bad — parade clearly had a vision in mind for Haru’s personality, and from his sketchy beginnings to his clearer end, he’s a coherent character with a consistent narrative. While the crux of the story is more insight into Haru, where he came from, and what the truth behind all those mysteries might be, though, Haru’s behavior still underpins a lot of what drives the romance routes forward. And his behavior... The official quote on his personality, “[s]exual harassment is an everyday activity for him,” can at times seem like it’s underselling exactly how often he tries to grab an ass. It’s no surprise that a fair few other players I’ve seen have walked away with pretty strong opinions on Haru as a character. (I’m personally not a huge fan.)

But to me, a divisive protagonist who you don’t actually fully understand as a character — Haru’s thoughts on a lot of key things are far less accessible than the likes of Aoba Seragaki or most Western M/M protagonists, which leaves you knowing most of his thoughts or feelings via his interactions from others — seems to go perfectly hand-in-hand with the way the visual novel as a whole operates. No Thank You!!! puts you at a distance by Haru’s viewpoint being occasionally “indecipherable” (to use the official phrasing), and then it throws you further with its sometimes-unpredictable NTY!!! button mechanic, but the strength of its other individual pieces taken together still sold me on it as both a solid set of mystery stories and an 18+ dating sim.

Also I really like Maki.

No Thank You!!! is available for a sale price of $19.95 on MangaGamer’s store (18+), and you can read more about parade’s story and characters on MangaGamer’s designated No Thank You!!! page (also 18+).

CUTE DEMON CRASHERS (SUGARSCRIPT)

Itchio Tagline: “A short and silly consent-friendly and sex-positive VN!” Genre(s): Modern fantasy. Release Date: April 7th, 2015 (Mirari and Akki’s routes); August 15th, 2015 (full version). Content Warnings: Multiple sex scenes; detailed uncensored nudity.

I don’t think I could sum up Cute Demon Crashers better than the Itch.io tagline does — it’s short, it’s hilarious, and it’s got an emphasis on consent that meshes perfectly with its goofy “a bunch of incubi and one succubus come to the mortal realm to have sex” plot. The characters are all charming and fit perfectly into its universe, with distinct personalities that come across clearly without ever feeling hamfisted in the limited time that the script lets you spend with them. Although this isn’t necessarily a romance game, especially given that incubi and succubi are “closer to what people know of as aromantic” according to the SugarScript FAQ, its cute, thoughtful writing and adorable design in everything from the characters to the user interface mean that there’s plenty of love infused in every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers.

Like yesterday’s We Know The Devil, Cute Demon Crashers is one of those visual novels with a distinct, memorable mechanic that almost placed it squarely in Tuesday’s creative design list. Cute Demon Crashers is one of the first visual novels — or, by my experience, the first altogether — to implement a mechanic specifically themed around stopping in the middle of sex. If you’re ever uncomfortable or you just plain want the scene to end, you can hit a button and protagonist Claire will talk with her partner to bring things to a close. (There’s also an option to just plain old not have sex with any of them, and spending time with the characters!) A lot of the dialogue in these scenes in particular is thoughtful, nuanced, and reads to me as being a pretty realistic depiction of how someone like Claire might ask those questions or express those kinds of concerns. 

The way Cute Demon Crashers handles intimacy and sexuality, by another measure, is one of those things that I think has also had a not-insignificant impact on the visual novel community as a whole; I’ve seen a fair number of people who’ve apparently never enjoyed an 18+ dating sim before talk about how its portrayal of sex resonated with them or brought them some measure of comfort. Because of the SugarScript team’s relative investment in the English-language visual novel scene as a whole, too — this project was born out of NaNoRenO and I’ve seen them promote development forum hub LemmaSoft or other small visual novels more than once — the compassion for the player that’s written into every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers seems to extend naturally to everyone else around the team in real life, which is something extremely special.

The entirety of Cute Demon Crashers is available now for free, and you can find out more information on its upcoming sequel (Cute Demon Crashers: Side B) on the SugarScript Twitter, Tumblr, and Itch.io!

Itchio Tagline: “GAY ORCS available in YOUR AREA.” Genre(s): Romance; fantasy; community building. Release Date: July 18th, 2015 (First Day demo); January 1st, 2018 (FUARLANG/full main story); TBA (individual route endings). Content Warnings: Adult content; sex; mentions of violence.

Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim, from head to toe, is one of my favorite depictions of sex and intimacy in video games — and with every gradual update, especially the most recent FUARLANG build that finished out the mai storyline, I’ve only become more sure of that. There’s an endearingly genuine quality to its art, character dialogue, and even in things like the NPC autonomy feature, where your companions have just as many chances to sway things like group votes or decide who’s on watch as you would without NPC autonomy being enabled. 

Interested to hear Mitch talk a little bit about his design process and the inspiration behind Tusks, I got in touch and asked him a few questions!

Thanks for taking the time for an interview, Mitch! While the title might be fairly self-explanatory, haha, how would you outline Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim in more detail to somebody new?

Tusks is a visual novel where the player joins a group at an annual orcish gathering, in a forest at the edge of a semi-mythical version of Scotland, and you then travel with this new found family and get to know them better. Most of the game is your group getting into adventures, talking to them one-on-one at camp at nighttime, and making decisions about how to go about your travels. The game's cast are all queer, and the game itself is an exploration of queer identity, community, history, and our relationship with the idea of monstrosity/Otherness.

I think it's fair to say that Tusks, as well as your larger body of work, deals a lot with intimacy and sexuality, especially the intersection between those two things; this is probably a question you've thought over yourself a fair bit, but what in particular interests you about those topics that drives you to explore them in Tusks and your other work?

Part of it is the fact that intimacy and sexuality are areas that can be massively important to queer people (especially since many of us are marginalised as a result of our sexuality being seen as deviant) but there aren't a lot of mainstream sources that play with intimacy and sexuality in relevant ways. And part of it is just because exploring sexuality for its own sake can be fun as well!

Definitely! There's always room for more fun with depictions of sexuality, haha. The premise for an all-orc dating sim is definitely a memorable one, and one you've fleshed out incredibly well with the thoughtfulness of your worldbuilding and character dynamics. What was the original inspiration that you built Tusks on, and what helped carry you across the finishing line of completing (for the most part) its story?

It was a lot of different threads coming together: I'd been playing a modded Skyrim save with an orc character who, in my head, was gay and had left his stronghold so to find other orcs like him and establish his own wee found family. That happened at the same time as me finding out about the NaNoReNo visual novel game jam, plus wanting to work on a game that actually put queer characters and discussions first and foremost rather than us just being a token presentation.

As for what carried me through, there was lots of things: the excitement of getting to tell stories that you just don't see in mainstream games, getting amazing feedback from players, and then at the end when I released the full main story on New Years', it was sheer bloody-mindedness.

There's a fair few interesting mechanics in Tusks, especially with regards to NPC autonomy; can you share a little bit of insight on why you decided to include those and how they function in the code?

NPC autonomy's a small but effective way of just slightly upsetting this idea that in visual novels, the player character gets to make all the decisions -- it automatically puts you in a decision-making leader role, and it's up to the writer then to narratively justify that -- which can be difficult if you're wanting to tell a story about a group of equal partners. So instead, NPC autonomy lets characters vote on things or lets characters potentially turn you down for romantic encounters.

It's an optional feature, so it's possible to play the game without it being on -- it just slightly changes the flow of the story and makes it seem a tad-bit more like you're part of a collective, if that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes sense! I think my playthroughs where NPC autonomy was on were definitely more interesting, by and large, because it really does add a lot to that sense of cooperation and community.

If you had to pick just one, what non-human (and non-orc) creature do you think more people should appreciate?

I'm really interested in exploring things with strong mythological connotations like minotaurs, since they're surrounded by particular ideas like labyrinths, being half-human and half-animal. I'd also really like to see someone explore the monstrousness of hags from [Dungeons and Dragons], because I think there's probably a way to talk about them and explore their relationships to femininity, presentation, glamour magick, witchcraft, and power.

Good choices! Those are both definitely really interesting ones. To wrap things up, are there any LGBTQ visual novels from other developers that you'd like to recommend?

I'd recommend checking out The Bitter Drop, by Isak Grozny; Ladykiller in a Bind by Christine Love, and We Know the Devil by Date Nighto!

Perfect! It's been a pleasure talking to you, Mitch, and I'm looking forward to your future projects.

Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim is available now for a reverse-sale price of $2.02, and you can support Mitch Alexander’s work on Patreon or follow his “nonsense” on Twitter and fully-released work on Itch.io!

[eeveelutionsforequality]

What if the Autism cure only got rid of certain symptoms that most people wouldn't miss, like sensory overload? Would this be a good compromise between the two groups? That's only a what if, I think if there was a cure for autism in our time, the risk of it being abused and forced upon people would be way too high, so it's better that there isn't one. Maybe in a future where there's less ableism, better education and better care available.

Exactly! Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a cure or wanting a treatment or wanting something that can take away the harder parts - like the sensory overloads you mentioned, the moments of explosive anger, the confusion, etc - but at the moment I do think that we live in an atmosphere where something like that would be forced upon people.

Being somebody who's been forcibly hospitalized, I think I'm pretty acutely aware of those risks - like, I was forced onto meds that lowered my blood pressure, because when you're sectioned the doctors have complete say in what you can or can't take, despite me having low blood pressure issues, and I spent an entire night on a blood pressure monitor unable to even lift my head and feeling like my body was gonna give out any second. I watched friends get forced onto ECT and suffer horribly, and was told that if I didn't behave and do exactly as I was told then I would be put through that too (most of the staff don't actually believe that ECT works, and they know that it wouldn't help some of the people that they put on it or threaten with it, it's just a useful thing to scare or control people with, but don't tell anybody I told you that, it's an industry secret).

When I was in supported accommodation, I had to attend some of the support groups that they ran to teach you life skills (things like cooking and cleaning) and to re-introduce you to socializing (because a lot of people become what they refer to as "institutionalized" when they're institutionalized for too long - by that they mean that you lose your ability to interact with the outside or normal world, you forget how to cook or clean, you forget how to talk to normal people, you don't feel safe knowing that there isn't an alarm system for if something goes wrong, you're dependent upon the idea that there's a staff member nearby 24/7, you're afraid of going outside or of being left alone, it's kinda like combining some features of Stockholm syndrome and agoraphobia, it's weird). Because I'm a magnet for dark conversations, apparently my group got way deeper into what it was actually like being in hospital than my support worker at the time was used to - all of us had stories of being restrained or forced onto meds that fucked us up.

My support worker at the time, having been doing direct care (*cough* badly and illegally *cough*) with outpatients for so long, had no real understanding of how bad the bad side of mental health treatment actually is. I mean, we're still fixing the fuck ups from centuries ago.

Right now, I genuinely have no doubt that a "cure" would be forced onto- maybe not everybody, but at least everybody who was sick enough to end up in hospital, regardless of whether that was the right thing for them. And regardless of what that cure is, even if it only takes away sensory overload, I'm against the idea of forcing things, especially things that alter your brain or thinking, upon people without their consent. I mean, we don't even force cancer treatment upon people without their consent, we can have "Do not resuscitate", so why is it that we don't get a choice when it comes to our brains?

On the flip side, there are definitely people who want treatments like that, and I really don't want to deny them that - I think a lot of the "I'm perfect how I am!" stuff has an underlying level of anti-medication stuff. It's like that whole "but what if the anti-depressants take away the 'real me'?" stuff in some ways sometimes. Medication isn't inherently evil, it can help a lot of people, it can be great for a lot of people, but we shouldn't force it upon people. I think people really need to challenge the mindset that taking a pill makes you not you, and the mindset that the end goal of treatment is to be able to live without pills.

But yeah, I get that the people developing treatments and the people working in mental health treatment are different people, so I can't really be like "Slow down the development until you've exorcized your demons" or words to that effect, but I do think that mental health treatment is a shambles at the moment. Like, it seems to be flip-flopping between being too eager to shove people on meds and disregard their wants, and being too against diagnosis and meds and practical treatment... like, some doctors will just be like "maybe that's just who you are, maybe you just need to come off the anti-depressants and change your outlook" and you're like??? are you trying to make me kill myself, Karen???

Like, it feels like we said "we want individual care with a focus on case by case treatment" and they heard "we don't want to be diagnosed, we want our treatment to be dependent upon the doctor's politics and not our own needs, and we want to be treated like the end goal is to make us act normal not to ease our struggles".

As I've mentioned before, this isn't an anti-treatment thing, and I genuinely believe that people should go and speak with a doctor if they need help - the chance of something going really wrong is low, especially if you're aware of the risks and aware of your rights. Suffering alone is not preferable to getting the help that you need, just make sure that you've learnt your rights, speak carefully, get the right doctor, and contact advocacy groups - stuff can fuck up, that's true, but it can also save your life.

~ Vape

[velvetv0nblack]

What are your top 10 favourite hobbies ? :D

Top ten? That’s a lot of hobbies lol. I don’t think I’m even that interesting hahaAgoraphobia/body dysmorphia/ocd/bipolar and chronic pain/illnesses keep me stuck in a lot, or has effected how long I can do something for or even having the motivation to keep myself busy.But I’ll give it a go.

1. Art- I come from a family of artists, been drawing forever, the first face I ever drew was at the age of 10 months, I actually achieved shit as a kid, not so much now 😩😂👌🏻 I love to paint massive murals, and I want to tattoo eventually…

2. Hula hooping- who can be sad if you’re hula hooping? It’s one of the few forms of exercise my joints can handle.3. I make clothing, a friend and I want to start our own business, making custom made clothing, and accessories.

4. Even though I have had mainly blue hair for 5 years, I love dying hair. I’ve got friends who come and visit from all over the UK to dye their hair, I like giving my friends dye jobs that are as individual to them as you can get. I also really enjoy installing dreads, despite the long tedious process, I think that’s actually why I like it haha.

5. I do quite a bit of photography, this is something I fell out of for a while. I lost everything I had running from a violent relationship, and that included my cameras and most of my inspiration. My lovely friend @boujeeepeach is getting me back into this and modelling.

6. Kinda linked to 5, I love doing make up, I’ll take any chance to create a mental make up look. Especially for photo shoots. Despite this I have a love hate relationship with make up. It does control my life, doing my own make up is an OCD controlled process for me, it is one of the most distressing parts of day to day life.

7. I like to write, there’s about a thousand partially written books in random boxes all over my flat, some going back as far as 11-12 years. My perfectionist mentality is probably why none of them even even got close to an ending 😂😩

8. I love to read but this is something my mental health has really effected over the last 3-4 years. I used to read two books a week, but after having a psychotic break my concentration basically completely disappeared, and it’s something I’m just getting back now , I actually finished 2 books in the last month, and I hadn’t manage to finish a book for while.

9. I was a pretty good, and driven equestrian rider, and tbh I still am a good confident ride ; I worked with horses throughout my childhood and teenage years, but as my chronic pain has increased and my mental and physical health has declined, it’s something I lost touch with. I still ride occasionally, but it’s something I wish I could do more of again. I used to compete in a dressage and did pretty well within that as well. Just caring for a horses was really good for my mental health, and still is- it’s just something I unfortunately cannot do nearly as much as I used too. And really I can’t just blame it on my health, as a teenager I eventually chose my drug addiction over pretty much everything else, and I was homeless a lot. That makes me kinda sad, I could have been a pretty accomplished rider right now 🤦🏻‍♀️.

10. Errrrrm I’m stuck now??? I lost touch with so many things because of my poor mental health, my abusive ex, or through a drug addiction. I want to pick back up my guitar I used to perform and sing a lot but my ex knocked the confidence right out of me, he knocked a lot of things right out of me 🙃👌🏻

You actually made me realise I have more interests than just going stir crazy in my flat hahah 😂I genuinely thank you for that 🖤

[brttaperry]

At what point did you realize you had a mental illness?

I’m so sorry for not answering this sooner... I genuinely did not even know that it was here??? I mean also hiatus but still asdkjfl;adjf

ANYWAY tbh it’s literally unreal how long i’ve been mentally ill and did not realize it at all. i’ve been aware of my mental illness for a while now but even during that whole time, up until now, i still had no idea how much of my thoughts and actions were based upon my symptoms.

so, going back, i now have an earliest memory of a panic attack when i was locked in bathroom at the age of three. i can realize that i was performing ocd rituals and throwing up in bathrooms at the mention of any of my fears at the age of 8 (earliest memory of this, at least. it’s all still pretty foggy). 

i can trace my eating disorder to the sixth grade and my first sustained “Pure O” compulsion (that I can recall), which i still perform to this day, to being 13, i think.

it’s been hard to track down when i knew. i dissociated a lot through 15-19, which was the peak of my eating disorder and when i was experiencing abuse. i knew i had an eating disorder. but i thought i could have been making it up (i’d later figure out this was part of ocd ugh) so even if i’ve known for a long time that what was happening to me was not necessarily within normal bounds, i somehow always found so little validity in my own memories and experiences that i’ve only now, many years later begun to say out loud that i was raped. i never really believed myself and thought i was trying to get attention. it’s so much more complex, especially with personality disorders.

anyway, i think i figured it out the most in 2012, when i was drinking a lot of coffee and smoking a lot of sativa and i went through some traumatic memory stuff and ended up having very intense physically heavy panic attacks multiple times a day, started experiencing agoraphobia, and began dissociating and mildly hallucinating like...... a fuckin lot. i was like ok this is not good.

i had been experiencing moderate ocd symptoms for around 6 years at that time, and still did not realize i had ocd.

some time during 2014 i know i began to confront it. i developed a fear of fuckin plucking this neck hair of mine (lmao ikr) because every time i did i thought someone would die. and that thought had been there since my shithead grandpa died in nov 2013. and the summer of 2014 i was in field school and working outside with skeletal remains and excavating graves a lot and drinking a lot on weekends with my crew so idk if it was stress or what but i had this like ~~iconic~~~ panic attack in the cab of my truck, windows up, in lflorida??? in june??? i literally dont remember v well it is so so so fucking foggy but my mom found me and i admitted that neck hair fear (band name) and was like sobbing and that was when we were like.......... holy fucking shit.

and it’s weird? because i have like thousands of compulsions and obsessive/intrusive thoughts but i just liek assumed i guess that everyone dealt with this stuff??? tbh the anxiety^tm kept me from telling anyone i had a yeast infection when my virgin ass thought i must have gotten an std at the age of like 14. so a lot of it was probably seriously just being scared of something being wrong. that vicious cycle, y’all.

it took me a long time to even look in the mirror and even want to figure out why i was so unhappy and so afraid. some of it was cultural. some of it stemmed from years of abuse. i just want anyone experiencing this kind of horrific circle to know that there are people who get it and won’t judge and once you have people like that in your life, getting help and finding relief and just feeling like you can breathe is so much easier. sometimes it can start with people online.

my roommate and bff @capheusvand and i met on tumblr like 6 years ago and we’ve been one another’s absolute pillars as far as mental health and self care goes. she’s one of the few people that just gets it and that i can be what i am around, compulsions or none.

the moral of the story is that i type a lot and that i’m glad you sent this message because i used to give a lot of advice on this blog and i’d like to try to help people more again, however i can