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ne-fe-li-bata · 4 years ago

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Aye yo CORPSE! ...

Dead ass;

You can't convince me that Corspe was/is/does ;

in no particular order..

• Deserve to be held ( I would smother him with my chest and hold him tighter than he has ever been held) & protected from this world

• Pyro! Mans loves🔥🔥🔥 - mostly his fav elemental (Leo is a fire sign); “WOOO... now that’s a fire!”

• Loves knives/weapons- has a collection (quite a nifty 1, ay thank-a-you) & even knows how to use butterfly knives/ tackle combat.

Has a collection of weapons (brass knuckle, daggers, swords, knives,etc.)

• Highly interested in combat/training. Most likely has training in some sort of combat. Loves any form of physical combat < UFC,MMA, Boxing, any type of martial arts>

• Absolute proper gentlemen / clearly has the utmost charm/cunning

I.e holds the door open & will slap yo ass on the way in, moves you away from street side when walking, pulls chairs, defends your honor, etc.

• Takes A . L . O . T to truly capture his attention- but once you have it ..%100

• With his person; protective/obsessives/ possessive/ sensual/ affectionate .

< mine is mine. me no share -like absolutely not at all>

“ You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for ya“

• RP'er on DeviantArt/chats had his own OC. (also prob had his fav person to RP with)

• Watched mostly nothing by anime/cartoons (nick/CN) as a kid & also mostly watched certain shows/movies as a kid well into his teens

(could recite quotes/scenes as second nature)

• Not a major musical theatre type of kid. But musical movies/shows was 1 of his favs- but still highly interested/ in love with theatre/musicals/preforming arts none the less.

-EYES DON’T LIE

•’staring problem’ he’d just stare at you -deep in his head (both good & bad) you’d have to bring him back to you ..”babe- eh, come *snap*back to me. What’s on your mind my love?’

• Genuinely a really warm person- but only to certain people, but comes across cold & distance

• Grew up in the internet & knows the way around the 'business' & 'faceless' YouTubers/celebrities

• His teens/ late adolescents consisted & grew up on YouTube O.G videos/ video game commentary/content;

Cry.. <Cry was a huge part of my life & still hold a special place in my heart. Corspe just like I was most likely devastated with the shit that went down>

Jack

Nova

Sp00n

Jontron

Smosh

Nigahiga

Shane

Jenna

Hanna Hart

Phil/Dan

KevJumba

Ray William Johnson

Pewds

Machinima

EMT

ERB

Wassabi Prod.

VlogBros,

-etc

• Has an oral fixating (lovebites indefinitely <like dead ass ya’ll be chillan/ out & he’d attack you> & just needs something in his mouth always)

• Fidgety af, always need to be playing with something in his hands/playing with

• Is a goddamn absolute certified freak--but also super soft bean boi. (can't stress how this boi needs& deserves to be protected)

• Constant hand/arm touching/stroking for comfort.

• Daddy{papi} / Mommy(mamá) . Master . Sir kink - hard control kinks- but highly sub.

hard(er) kinks

• Lovebites = M I N E

obvs fishnets/ crossbody straps/ lingerie

lace

collars/ restraints

toys

•RP

degrading/praising

sub/dom switch

showing/proving your actually/completely & utterly his/ he’s completely & utterly yours..

& of course you know it's go time when 1 - if not both of you has kitty ears on.

over stim

*no touchy/ don’t let me go*

“look at what I’ve done to you”

“you kno only I can do this to you”

“look how greedy you are for me”

“look at the mess you’ve made because of me’

“cum on my face”/’cum for me”

“who do you belong to” / “you belong to me & only me”

100% all black clothing 🖤

*that once we get home / I swear I’ll deal with you right here, right now* look

primal play “when you run from me, it only makes me want you more” “you know imma find you kitten”

pet names (beast< i feel like you call this man “ (a) beast”-he about to lose his absolute fucking mind> , “oh Corpse/______, you absolute fuckin’ beast- my God” kitten, babyboy/girl, baby(e), bae, my love, lover boy, my darling, slut, needy little bitch, cum slut, lil’ whore, master/mistress, king/queen”

“only yours” “just ______” “ no-one but _____” “only____” “only you”

‘I’ll keep you so no one can find you or bother us’

“that’s my girl” / “that's my boy”

“would you like to/ I saw----”

“look at me” “don’t look away from me”

GROWLING / talking through clenched jaw

not breaking eye contact

• his name & ‘Corspe’ being cried out

“cry out my name for me baby. know who you belong to”

video/sexing/teasing

breeding kink

voyeurism

abrasions

aftercare af

impact play

24/7

edging

accidental stim; “holy fuck- I’m so turned on by you rn”

rope bondage

begging

worships

• But also soft kinks;

MEME SENDING

head on lap/chest

naps

playing with hair

matching outfits

voice messages

always touching (somehow)

no space between bodies

picture taking together/ just of you

body rubs, head rubs

massages

competition

play fighting

“this reminded me of you”

“I remember you said” “I know you...”

“you know I love you”

“I can tell by your eyes”

“ugh- I swear to shit imma marry you 1 day”

“nothing really made sense until you”

“do you wanna watch”/ “WAIT!? YOU HAVEN’T SEEN?!”

“damn- you really do love/like me, eh?”/ “you are SO fucking mine”

“that’s my girl”/ “that's my boy”

pet names/ “MY_______” “YOURS”

long stares

dates- stay at home dates are his fav, as your attention/focus is just on him

choker/necklace/ jewelry (that 1 of you bought- NOT LIKE HIGH PRICE TAG, but like seen it & was like ‘omg ____ would so wear...’)

cuddles with movies /anime watching time

just being in the same room/on call- even in silence

* emojis*- just some sort of communication

inside jokes/ puns/dark humor

seeing 1 another with kids

future kink (family, travel, etc)

playing video games

dancing/ singing with 1 another

Sitting on the ground, wrapped around his leg when he streams/edits

Nerf gun fights

Watching him record (tracks/editing/streaming)

• Loves- loves surprises <like dead ass would set up a surprise date/ do a scavenger hunt for you/ surprise you with your fav thing>

• Loyalty is everything & his best attribute (& pride)

• The music that he make is from the soul/heart. He pit everything has has/what he has left into his art

• No one has seen the real him - a side he truly hides

• He's both book & street smart

Taught himself through YouTube/Reedit/online

• Fav actors; Jim Carrey/Robbin Williams/Will Smith (?)

• Man’s straight up dangerous. we only know like a quarter of him & people fall at his feet. ( h e . i s . n o t . t o . b e. F U C K E D . w i t h)

• Hates silence

( constantly needs background noise) <also can't fight me on this babyboi cuddles pillows/blankets for night-night time>

• People don't understand the pain he is in every day, unless they have fibromyalgia/GERD/high functioning (sever social)anxiety/depression/ agoraphobia

(my mom suffers with fibro/depression <I myself have GERD/ sever social amenity/depression>& I wouldn't wish those illness on my worse enemy...)

• Over all pain has changed him

• Has dealt with self harm since a young age- most likely 9- 11 yrs old. (as someone else who’s suffered with SH for years- when you become so numb it 1 of the only ways to feel some sort of anything/makes you feel like you’re alive)

• Addiction (drugs/people/things)

• Wrote & read a lot of fanfiction

(most likely his main source of reading in pre/teenage years)

• Is a hopeless romantic but has his guard way up

• Obsessed with Japan / Studio Ghibli

• Doesn't think he deserves any of the recognition/ fame he's gotten--but definitely deserves it all as he's creative & inspirational as fuck. Also he’s worked so hard for it & had put himself through so much

Contrary is highly appreciative of those that are supporting

• Doesn't do it for the fame but for the fact he know how he's gotten people through hard time (just like those on the internet got him through)

• Was a scene boy that vibe’d of myspace/ listens to a lot of ‘scene’ pop-punk, emo/ scene band shit (band?)

• Also is/was a major tumblr boy

• Would be a phenomenal father

• His love language: physical touch & words of affirmation

• He would flinch at touch movement but would melt in your hands

• Face caresses would trigger anxiety/ tears.. but once he’s calmed/comfortable would burry his face in your touch. neck & chest

• Still caught up in daydreams

• A part of him is still never satisfied even if it’s exactly to the pin point detail of what he wanted

• Has at least 40/50(ish) songs he hasn't released

• Mommy & daddy issues (not saying his home life was really- really fucked - but non the less- it certainly wasn't the best).. Also wants to protect/provide for his family (especially his sister) & was prob closer to a grandparent/aunt/uncle)

• Definitely prefers to be by himself, as every time people come around, it's like;‘"this is why I'm okay (ish)with being alone"

• lost an important person to him due to O.D/ suicided..

• Also most likely to of heard his "friends" shit talking 'Corpse' or something correlated with him

• His pride is his biggest sin (next to lust)

• Has single-handedly defined a huge part of 2020 ( in the best way)

• Went through a fighting stage where he was ready to fuck anyone up on a drop of a dime (middle/'high school'/street fights- possibly even under ground)

but also a stage where he cut absolutely everyone off for a solid couple years

• Most likely obsessed with 1 of 3 creatures; lion, dragon, wolf ( 5ish- possibly bear/fox)

• Dinosaur obsessed

• Internet & video games raised him

• He raised himself

Quick to adapt to surroundings/situations.

• Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was his shit ( I CAN SO SEE YOUNG BABYBOI RUNNIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN A POWER RANGER SUIT) "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME MOTHER FUCKER"

fav ranger- green

• Has up until next year planned out & is working on the next 'version of corpse' ( PR, vids, music, etc)

• Also med/high key this man was most likely in a physcward (more than once) ..

• This man deserves more than he'll ever give himself recognition for & knows in the back of his mind--people will hate just to hate

• Rose is his fav flower 🌹

•⛈️🌧️. >🌞. Loves storms/ rain & prefers them over sunny days

• Loves the moon/stars/space (?) < observatorium dates = fuckin mint>

• Pixar/Disney lover

• Fav Pixar movie.. either Wall.E or Toy Story

• Pixar > Disney

• But fav Disney movie- Beauty & the Beast (?)

• Most likely had a Jackass obsession's (doing dumb hoodshit)

• Fall is his fav season (?)

• Horror/ thriller movies/shows over everything (obvs)

• Had an escape place in town where he’d hide from the world- that absolutely no one knew about.

• Was really into graffiti/ street art

• Arested as a youth - but charges dropped- or was still considered a mirror (either fighting/ possession/ trespassing/ vandalisms)

• Arrested on heavier charges (also same as above - but not tried as an minor)

• also-ALSO ... thou he feels like he owes people something. HE DOESN’T OWE ANYTHING TO A N Y O N E . His mental & well being is the most important.

• On a side & major note. You can't deny that this man single handily is a (in my opinion) the 2nd biggest “C” that define 2020.

• Was most likely really into skateboarding/BMX

• Late night drives/impulsive road trips & playlist/ sitting at lookouts, just in silence & touching 1 another.

• Clingy af-.. but could also be distance & cold af- especially on high pain days. stormy brain days. PTSD episodes.

• Slow dancing/ dancing around the apartments. with or without music.

• Rocking out with each other- screaming lyrics in each other face.

• “hey baby- how you feelin”

*grunting* *shuffles over & lays on chest*

• Huge comforts for 1 another;

Especially when going out, being wrapped around him for comfort & reassurance. Even being at home alone together- panic attacks are shit, PTSD episodes are even more shit. helping each other with bathing & caring

When he’d be hiding from his reflection- or stares just a little too long. Going up behind him & worship him (vise versa)

• He’d be your biggest hypeman/ #1 fan (vise versa)

• Would LOVE you wearing his clothes/jewelry & would love to wear you things.

Was probably engaged to his ex (that's why he gets offt when people mention "corpse wife"

There'd be days where he'd be so distance & cold.. & tell you to leave but wouldn't let you.

He'd sit in the bathroom with you when you shower/have a bath.

As he doesn't sleep most night. He'd be up just watching you sleep & caressing you.

Lil spoon > big spoon.

I love you... genuinely . turly. madly. deeply.

#dear cropse #if youre seeing this #i kno youll be okay #im sorry for everything you've had to go through #plz kno #to me #you are my brightest star in a universe of supernovas #you make everything okay for me #till fate do us part #i kno 1 day we'll meet #the universe will bring me to you & you to me

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casper-has-a-cat · 6 years ago

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AJR appreciation post

because i don’t think enough people have heard neotheater. some background, their previous album, the click, is a masterpiece in its own right, it came out when i was in college and it captured all of my college feels, not to mention the song about the office (yes, the tv show) which had me genuinely laughing aloud. but this post will focus on neotheater, because i’ve only just recently finished college and this album perfectly captures new-to-the-real-world feels.

like this album has made me cry so much and in the best ways, it’s been the biggest reassurance because i’ve been on my own for a month and a half now and hearing people that i respect articulating everything surround the fears and pain and sadness of growing up is as heartbreaking as it is comforting. i’m not the only one who is filled with doubts and uncertainty and having those feelings doesn’t make me a failure, thank goodness. thank goodness someone put that into music because now i can hear it whenever i need it.

and let me just say, this album has an odd sound. even for ajr, it’s odd. it’s extremely theatrical sounding, and that’s not so much my style of music, so at first i was iffy on it, but... it directly ties in to the meaning of the songs and the story that the album as a whole is telling. the idea of feeling as though you’re being judged and watched and that everyone has expectations for you whether you want an audience or not. it was a brave move and adds to the authenticity of the album.

so, let’s get on to more specifics!

lyrics that make me cry:

“i wanna be next up forever, find a way to never hit my peak” - next up forever (these made me cry on the first listen, because like, i know they’re talking about music, but that’s such a big mood post-college)

“you’ll sail the ocean finding where you should be. and if you’re broken, you’ll find your own thing” - next up forever. there's??? so much in these two lines??? like the idea that life is just one big search is huge, its releases so much stress surrounding the feeling that you should know where you should be as soon as you graduate. and the second part? that reassurance that you’ll figure it out, even if you don’t fit, it’s so good

“i wanna move out, i don’t wanna move on” + “i’ll come by when i’m grown, it won’t be the same though, i can’t even go home” - don’t throw out my legos. honestly the whole song just hits me hard if i’m in the mood. the profound sadness that comes with growing up and going out on your own is so well articulated in this song, and the metaphor of like. wanting to keep insignificant things around because if you do, then maybe your younger self can still stick around too. and then this idea of not having a home, i didn’t even realize it until i heard this but that’s maybe the most painful thing that i’m dealing with right now. because it takes time to make a home

“you say that i'm better, why don't i feel better? the universe works in mysterious ways, but I'm starting to think it ain't working for me. doctor, should I be good, should I be good this year?” - karma. i have so much to say about this song and i could’ve included a much longer quote here but this gets the point across. i think anyone who’s struggled with mental health can probably relate to this. and i love that it’s (imo) very clearly not dismissing counseling- they’re being honest in that counseling is not a magic solution, it takes work and sometimes it doesn’t seem to be working as well as we want it to, even if we do still see value in it. and the transition right here, at the end of the song, from the “i’ve been so good this year” to the question - should i even be good this year if it’s not making me feel better? that’s what really got me.

“dear winter, don’t move too far away.” + “will we still hang out and talk when i’m no longer in charge?” - dear winter. this song makes me cry every time i hear it no lie. apparently when ryan (the lyricist) played it for his brother for the first time, his brother also sobbed so i guess it only makes sense. but yeah this specific verse kills me a lot because this is exactly where i’m at right now. i moved too far away. i hate how painful that is for my parents. i had to do it but it still hurts every time i hear this.

“they wanted heaven from me, i gave ‘em hell. now they want something bigger, i’m overwhelmed” - finale. this lyric is preceded by 4 repetitions of the line “they wanted,” and the first two times it’s sung in a deep tone, but the third and fourth times it’s sung in a higher tone, and the singer sounds more energetic and maybe even high-strung, it’s like he’s rejecting “their” opinion. and then you get this lyric about heaven and hell and you see that he did something unexpected, he’s decided not to be “their” version of perfect and done something that “they” didn’t want, and maybe he thought he’d be free from “them” after that, but it turns out just the opposite happened.

“just don’t forget about me when you get out of college” - finale. it’s such a good double meaning. it’s playing off of them being scared that they’re music will lose popularity when their audience graduates, but it’s also like... talking to college friends. don’t forget about me. and also the world? and this is where things get complex with the idea of having an audience. on one hand the expectations are oppressive and confining, but at least someone’s watching as we grow up, but when we graduate it does feel a bit like society no longer cares about us so much. at least, it did for me. so i guess this line could have a triple meaning?

lyrics that make me laugh:

“thank you for coming to my birthday party, i am one minute old today” - birthday party. honestly, every lyric in this song makes me laugh, it’s just such a fucking hilarious song, and like, dark humor all the way??? but this specific lyric is said in such a funny way i love it. i actually can’t think of any other song that’s made me laugh so hard.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you ugly, life gives you lemons, at least it gave you something” - break my face. there’s a whole aspect of this song that’s really tongue-in-cheek. like it’s funny because they’re taking an idiom and really looking it in the eyes and being candid, like okay let’s stop sugarcoating things, what doesn’t kill you might not make you stronger but it’ll make you ugly! but then the song as a whole can totally be read as a satire on people who are so critical of anyone who complains, or those people who are always like “look on the bright side” and “why can’t you just be happy!” and anyway it’s so genius

extra notes:

100 bad days hasn't made me laugh or cry aloud but it’s still such an important song imo. “a hundred bad days made a hundred good stories, a hundred bad days made me interesting at parties, no i ain’t scared of you, no i ain’t scared of you no more” it’s such a powerful mantra to keep in mind when things get rough. idk if that last part was meant for this, but as someone with social anxiety and probably agoraphobia, it’s just been really empowering

turning out pt. ii... i don’t personally relate to this song as much as most of the others, and yet it still makes me profoundly sad. honestly i don’t like listening to it because of that? but also it kind of... doesn’t feel as clever to me as the other songs. like i could’ve written those lyrics. which is something i rarely feel about ajr songs. idk, maybe it’s better if you relate more! and i’m biased probably because of how much i loved and related tot turning out pt. i and this wasn’t what i expected.

the entertainment’s here articulates something that scares me a lot? how easy technology makes it to ignore real life, how tempting it is to just watch netflix or youtube videos or whatever. so i avoid this song a bit as well. i think it’s clever as hell, but it scares me and i’m a coward

beats: i’m just gonna say it, it’s my least favorite song on the album. the idea is funny but to me the implementation isn’t the best? it’s not that clever imo? it’s very repetitive and i think that was supposed to like, go along with the meaning of the song, of echoing and doing what others are doing for success, but for me it’s just ultimately kinda... meh.

wow, i’m not crazy: kinda like 100 bad days, hasn’t made me laugh or cry aloud but this song is really important to me. it makes me happy. the idea of finding people who are crazy in the same way you are, and how that can make you love yourself so much more. i love that.

okay yep we stop here! honestly there are more lyrics that i love but this is an essay already sooooo. yeah. i love this album.

#ajr #music #random #irrelevant #happy post #i love ajr that's all #neotheater #if you read this whole thing props #this whole unnecessary post

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aqenta · 6 years ago

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“AGORAPHOBIA”, a study based on the painting “Kissing Cupid,” for The Saturday Evening Post, by J.C. Leyendecker.

I know this is probably a harsh Mother’s Day tribute to a lot of people, so I hope everyone will give me a chance to explain my conflicted feelings on Jester and the relationship with her mother. Critical Role is very therapeutic for many people in many ways, myself included.

My mother suffered from depression and very intense anxiety for as long as I can remember. As a child, of course, I didn’t have any concept of mental health. I just knew mom took pills sometimes.

I say ‘sometimes’ because she didn’t always have her pills. Money was tight in our household, and my mother, as far as I know, was never able to afford health insurance for the both of us – only for me.

She always made sure I went to the doctor, while at the same time, struggled to be able to pay for her own medication. There were large periods of time as a child where I remember thinking of her as lazy because she was unable to get or hold down a job.

For a long time we lived on government assistance and sporadic child support payments from my dad. She was often drunk during these periods, and on several occasions, it even threatened her life. I never knew how to help her, or how to -deal- with her.

Her anxiety and paranoia were the worst parts of her mental illness. Not only would she not go out of the house (save to drive me to school), she also began imposing her anxiety onto me. Everyone was out to get us. She obsessed over what I did, and who I was seeing/out with.

I wasn’t allowed to see friends, or do anything without a chaperone. She stalked what I did online (as I naturally became more introverted, most of my friends became online friends), even going so far as to harass people she didn’t like for perceived slights/danger.

An adult now, I think often about the kind of person I am, and the kind of child that I was. How my mother’s anxiety groomed me, in a sense, into being a certain way. I loved my mom. So much. It was just us for a very long time, and she was my best friend.

Jester and her mother's relationship reminds me, in so many ways, of what I went through growing up, albeit in a slightly different way. Seeing Matt and Laura roleplay these two characters is both a gift, and incredibly frustrating at the same time.

Every sending, you can feel the genuine warmth that Marion feels each time her wayward daughter contacts her, every time she finds out that she’s still alright, somewhere out there in the big, scary world that she fears. I love that, so, so much.

But at the same time, I’m desperate for her to get the closure that I couldn’t. To ask, “Why did you do this to me? Why did you keep me inside? Why did you leave me alone?”

I feel like there has to be so much pent up emotion in Jester, so much that she never had a chance to get out, because she felt scared of making her mother dislike her. Of pushing her away more. Of losing her love, and her attention.

This is the sort of thing I hope to see from the characters in the future. I want to see not only Jester’s love for her mother, but her resentment as well. Her anger, her pain. But more than that, I want them to get through it together, and come out stronger on the other side.

Today, I experience a lot of the same symptoms that my mother had regarding her depression and anxiety. I understand her a lot better now than I ever did, and yet, there are so many questions that I wish I could ask her.

My recommendation today, Mother’s Day, is that you not only spend time with the mothers in your life, but also don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to leave an abusive family relationship, if you’re in one. Don’t be afraid to reach out if there’s been a falling out.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your mom (or any parent/guardian) about things that have been done or said that have hurt you. Don’t be afraid to call them out. And don’t be afraid to forgive.

We’re only on this rock floating in space for a short time. And you never know when something might take the people you care about away, either expectedly, or unexpectedly.

Anyway, sorry for the novel! I sincerely hope that everyone has a warm and bright Mother’s Day.

#criticalrole #critrole #criticalrolefanart #jester #marionlavorre #jesterlavorre #rubyofthesea

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nellie-elizabeth · 7 years ago

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: I Am Ashamed (4x02)

Another great episode. I am a broken record!

Cons:

Okay, so this isn't really like a big complaint or problem or anything, but I found it a bit odd that Rebecca had this cathartic moment in the graveyard at the end, and then after that moment, Patton Oswalt pops out of nowhere and a large group number about "shame" happens. It was a great song, but usually the musical numbers help us to understand a bit about why the characters are feeling the way they're feeling, and in this case, we had all of the emotional work, and then the song felt almost like an afterthought. I may be nitpicking just a little bit.

Pros:

Let's start with Darryl and White Josh's story. Last week I got really freaked out when I didn't see White Josh, so I was glad he made an appearance here. Darryl is scared that he won't be able to give his new daughter, Hebecca, all of the advantages she would have if she had a mother, too. He's especially worried about breast milk, and ends up going online to buy some. This leads him to driving all over town and leaving a reluctant WhiJo in charge of the baby. Josh comes over and the two Joshes dress the baby up in a cute Halloween costume and actually have an okay time. As the episode ends, Darryl's ex-wife, and his older daughter, both reassure Darryl that he's a great father and that the baby will be just fine in his care.

This was, in a lot of ways, your standard comedy fare. Darryl's antics go way overboard, and in the end he learns a good lesson about his own value and abilities. I actually really appreciated that simplicity, if I'm being honest. Since this is the last season, I'm starting to wonder about the "endgames" for the various characters on the show. Rebecca is such a fascinating lead, and thinking about where her story is going is a whole complex thought process by itself, but there's everybody else too. Will White Josh and Darryl reunite? Or will either of them end up with another romantic partner by the end of the show? One thing I will say: I'm grateful that they can still be in each other's lives, and it was cute to see White Josh's reactions to the adorable baby. He may not want kids, but he's pretty good with them!

We actually have a story focused around the law firm, which doesn't happen as often as it probably should. Basically, Nathaniel comes back and is ready to go back to work, only to find that his father has brought in the "silent partner" that Rebecca found through BPD therapy, and that this guy has been put in charge instead. Nathaniel decides to fight back, and learns in the end that his father actually only brought this guy in to try to shock Nathaniel out of his weird mental breakdown. I've got to say, I really love Nathaniel, and I feel so genuinely bad for him. I want him to find happiness. I loved the moment early on when Paula mentioned Rebecca, and Nathaniel tried to brush it off, but he slips up and makes it pretty obvious that he cares about her and what she's going through. The poor guy cannot catch a break.

I also like him taking ownership of the firm and trying to bring things back to the status quo. He didn't quite "stand up" to his father in the big way that I'd love to see some day, but he did stick to his guns and he tried his hardest to get what he wanted. We'll have to see how things go moving forward, now that there's this random, untrained man in the mix of the firm, who can pretty much do whatever he wants! Also, it was nice to see characters like Tim and Maya. They added some nice light comedy.

The main plot thread is spooooky, and also contains both songs of the hour. Basically, Rebecca has developed some agoraphobia, a consequence of the whole community now knowing all of her darkest secrets. She's worried everyone will hate her, and she's feeling a great deal of shame about her past. Things take an odd turn when she becomes convinced that her house is haunted, and convinces her friends to do a seance that at first appears to actually... work? Of course, in the end there's a perfectly rational explanation that Heather and Paula believe, while Rebecca and Valencia prefer to keep their minds open. So to speak.

This is the kind of plot thread that just screams over-the-top silliness, and it is silly. But it's also grounded by real emotion. The first song, "Time to Seize the Day" captures Rebecca's fear of confronting the outside world. It uniquely fits her situation, but is also just so, so identifiable, as she remains inside all day, distracting herself with facts about stingrays, with porn, with cleaning out her fridge, all to avoid venturing outside of the house. The song itself is sort of a basic musical theatre number, completely its own thing and not a parody of a particular song or genre. It's funny and very Rebecca-ish in its silliness, but it shows that now that Rebecca is fully taking ownership for her crap, she also has to deal with the shame of that.

And speaking of, I really did love the final song of the episode, called "The Cringe." The costumes, the choreography, each individual joke, all landed perfectly and made me smile the whole way through, even if I did question slightly the placement of the song within the context of the episode as a whole.

Because the moment right before it... let me tell ya. Rachel Bloom is a talented actress. When she gives flowers to the girl she believes was haunting her house, she is so expressive, so genuinely empathetic, that you start to find yourself emotional about this dead woman who, frankly, has nothing to do with anything. And it was an acknowledgement that the ghost, real or not, was connected to Rebecca's emotional and internal journey. She needed to come to terms with her shame and decide to go out and face the world anyway.

Also, shout out to the comedy in general this episode, especially my girls Heather and Valencia. They were both so great! Valencia talking about ghosts being obsessed with her... and Heather and Hector in bed together talking about Hocus Pocus, and Heather being disappointed that Hector's favorite part is a cliche... all of that was hilarious and perfect.

As always, I adore this show and I can't wait for more!

8.5/10

#review #crazy ex-girlfriend #crazy ex-girlfriend review #crazy ex girlfriend #crazy ex girlfriend review #crazy ex-gf #crazy ex gf

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fixaidea · 7 years ago

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For the hurt/comfort prompts--16 for Enjolras and Feuilly? ^_^

If Feuillyhad to pin down when exactly all of this started, he would have chosen themoment he figured out he was bi.

While hewas reasonably certain all the core members of the ABC would be just fine withit he desperately needed to hear it spoken out loud, to have it affirmed. Heneeded to formally come out to someone.

But who?His only options were the members of the ABC – he had no living family and noclose friends outside the group. But who to single out? Because it had to be oneperson, standing up in front of the whole group or casually dropping it in arandom conversation was out of the question.

After along, agonising deliberation his choice fell on Enjolras, who, while not asopenly invested in others’ personal lives as Courfeyrac gave off an air ofsteady trustworthiness and could be relied on not to pass on Feuilly’sconfession, even by accident – exactly what Feuilly needed.

As itturned out he chose right – Enjolras listened to him with his usual serioussolemnity. When Feuilly was done Enjolras fixed his intense, sincere gaze athim, squeezed his hand and thanked him for his bravery. That day Feuilly wenthome lightheaded, grinning with relief.

After thatsomething shifted in their relationship. Whenever Feuilly felt the heavy wingsof loneliness close in around him, threatening to suffocate him he would seekout Enjolras. He would usually find an interesting political or historical topic,sidle up to Enjolras and bring it up in conversation. Enjolras jumped on theopportunity with great gusto and these conversations often stretched late intothe night.

Beforelong, Feuilly found himself straight up spilling his guts to Enjolras. Almostwithout his conscious permission all his secrets and fears started to bleedinto their discussions.

The day hiscreeping fear of wide open spaces came tumbling out he knew he was in too deep.For a horrible moment he was scared Enjolras would back away, tell him to keepthese things to himself, but he never did. He listened, solemn and sincere asalways, pulled Feuilly into a tight embrace and thanked him for his trust inhim.

The firsttime Feuilly stayed the night was about a week after this, on a Friday. He hadan especially long and hard day at the end of an especially long and hard weekand he just couldn’t bear to be alone. He wound up on Enjolras’ threshold withouteven thinking about what he was doing. He was ushered in with no fusswhatsoever – they spent the rest of the afternoon watching a documentary aboutthe Ukrainian Black Army, curled up on Enjolras’ couch.

After thatthey fell into a routine: every Friday afternoon Feuilly would come over withsnacks, sometimes a bottle of wine and they would spend the night and Saturdaymorning together. Feuilly swore that the moment it started to look like he wasimposing he would cut it out and back away, but Enjolras seemed to enjoy hiscompany. He carried himself with more ease than he did at the meetings or evenwhen hanging out with the rest of the group, and every now and then he evengraced Feuilly with a genuine, happy smile.

There wassomething about that smile, warm and lovely as it was, that bothered Feuilly.It took him a long while to figure out what, but when he did, he had to fightthe urge to bang his head against a wall, it was so obvious.

It was itsabsence. These nights were the only occasions Feuilly has ever seen Enjolrassmile like that.

Since thefirst time they met Feuilly always assumed that Enjolras’ melancholy appearancewas just that – the way his face looked by default. His too thin eyelidsalways made his eyes look red-rimmed and his emotions hard to read. Or maybenot even hard to read, just easy to overlook. Having seen Enjolras smiling andhappy threw his usual behaviour into stark contrast. He wasn’t neutral – he wassad. His default emotion was sadness.

Now thatFeuilly realised this he started to keep a closer eye on his friend. There wassomething stilted about him – unless he was talking politics, the only time heallowed his passion to flow freely. He seemed to hold himself under strictcontrol – more than once Feuilly caught him tugging at his ponytail or rockingin his seat, only to immediately cease and freeze into a motionless statue whenhe realised he was being watched. Any time Feuilly asked him if something waswrong he was brushed off with a shrug and an ‘I’m fine’.

Enjolrasalso forgot to eat and he was working too much – much more than Feuillyoriginally thought. He was way too pale to be healthy, constantly zoned out,and even on their sacred Fridays Feuilly would hear him pace or type away onhis laptop after he thought Feuilly was already asleep, often into the wee hoursof the night.

And still,any and all attempts at trying to help were shot down with an ‘I’m fine’.

Things cameto a head when one day Feuilly caught him in the middle of what looked verymuch like a panic attack in the bathroom of the Musain. He was leaning on oneof the sinks, breath shallow and erratic, eyes wide and too bright. When henoticed Feuilly he shook himself, brushed past him and hurried away beforeFeuilly could even open his mouth.

This wouldnot stand.

Feuillydidn’t try to confront him for the rest of the meeting, but he did follow himhome. Once inside Enjolras’ flat be pushed his friend down onto the sofa andplopped down beside him with a heavy sigh.

‘Stoptelling me you’re okay.’

Enjolraswouldn’t look at him.

‘Please’Feuilly went on ‘I can tell something is eating away at you. You keep helpingme, won’t you let me help you too?’

Enjolrascrossed his arms and shrugged.

‘It’s notthe same.’

‘How so?’

‘It’s… I’mfine. Nothing happened to me.’

Feuillyfrowned.

‘Yourealise you don’t… Sometimes you will feel down with no reason at all, right?Let’s say one or both of my parents are alive. I still have the exact sameproblems: the nightmares, the panic, the agoraphobia, and I still choose toshare them with you. Would you tell me to man up because nothing has happened to me?’

Enjolraslooked positively scandalised.

‘Of coursenot!’

‘Well then.Why is me wanting to help you so different from you helping me?’

Enjolrasshrugged again. His back was ramrod straight and so stiff it seemed like hewould snap and break in half any moment now.

‘You areimportant. And good. Of course I want to make you happy, anyone would.’

Feuillyblinked. He felt a nasty, cold spike of unease stab at his belly, rapidlyspreading upwards to grab his throat from the inside.

‘That’s nota difference. Not at all. You’re also important!’

Enjolrassaid nothing but he did let out a dry, mirthless chuckle.

‘Useful,maybe.’

‘I – WHAT?Useful? Useful?! What the hell? Isthat what you think about us? About me? That we only keep you around becauseyou are useful?’

‘Why else?’Enjolras’ voice had a desperate edge, high-pitched and brittle. He crossed hisarms even more tightly, it was beginning to look as if he was hugging himself.He took a deep breath, forced his voice back to almost-normal and went on.

‘I’m boringand weird. I’m no fun. I’m unfeeling, a statue. I don’t have a single lovablequality.’

Feuillyfelt his belly freeze up. A horrible wave of nausea clawed its way up histhroat. He was paralysed, caught between wanting to hug Enjolras and shake himand scream into his face, scream until he understood what utter bullshit he wastalking. Thankfully the part of his brain that wasn’t completely clouded overwith shock caught that latter impulse, knowing it would be counterproductive,to put it mildly. Instead he reached out and very carefully laid a hand onEnjolras’ back.

‘Please tellme you don’t actually believe that. You are a good person. You are charming andkind and interesting. You are so warm and loving – nobody in his right mindcould ever call you unfeeling. Not after getting to know you!’

Enjolras’breath was getting more and more ragged. He started to rock in his seat, caughthimself and froze into a brittle, trembling statue. Feuilly scooted closer andgently slid an arm around his shoulders. When he was met with no resistance hetightened his hold a little and began to rock from side to side, pullingEnjolras with him.

Enjolrasshuddered and broke. He slumped against Feuilly’s side. Feuilly carefullyguided him down until his head was resting on his lap. Enjolras went withoutprotest and hid his face against Feuilly’s thighs and fisted his trousers. Hisshoulder was shaking with sobs, he curled into a small, keening, miserableball, desperately nuzzling into the embrace Feuilly offered.

They stayedlike that for a long while, Feuilly rocking Enjolras as he sobbed his heart outin his arms. Feuilly pulled him close and rubbed the back of his hand with histhumb.

After whatfelt like an eternity Enjolras quieted down and lay limply in Feuilly’s lap,silent, utterly spent. Feuilly stroked his arm, as if trying to smooth out thetears and wears on his soul with his touch. When Enjolras spoke up his voicewas hoarse but cautiously hopeful.

‘Are wefriends?’

Feuillysqueezed his shoulder.

‘Of coursewe are friends.’

Enjolraswas silent for a beat.

‘I know it,you know. In here’ he tapped his head ‘On the good days I can even believe it.Today was bad. Could you please… could you maybe say it again? Out loud?’

Feuillyswallowed against the lump in his throat.

‘We arefriends. The others all think of you as their friend. They love you. I love youand you deserve it. You deserve to be loved. You are important. Not for thecause, not because you are useful. You matter to us. We love you.’

Enjolrasturned in his arms and nuzzled his face into his belly. A sudden burst ofwarmth exploded inside Feuilly’s chest as his stomach tied itself into knots.He didn’t know how deep Enjolras’ pain went or what exactly caused it, but hehoped that with this first crack the walls he pulled around himself wouldeventually crumble and he would allow Feuilly to help him. That with time hewould heal. Feuilly bent down and pressed a small kiss to Enjolras’ temple.

‘We loveyou so much!’

#eirenical #Les Miserables #enjolras #Feuilly #modern au

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zzwheels1912-blog · 6 years ago

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Why the Fuck Not?

Today is December 24th, 2018. It is 9:17 pm. This is the moment I will remember for the rest of my days as the moment my life has changed. Yes, I’m a little high right now (on my medical marijuana) (wait - why should I defend why I’m high. It’s my business, not yours) but I swear to you I will be different from this moment on. For the last year I’ve been bulimic. More specifically, I’ve been secretly bulimic. Not so much in the last 3 months, but for the 11 prior to that I was definitely bulimic. I would even say hardcore bulimic. I lost more than 25 pounds in five months. - side note - I actually just thought of writing four months instead of the honest five because I somehow thought that would be more impressive. What the actual fuck?

So, back to the bulimia. It started in October when I went out for lunch with my grandparents, had an upset stomach, and projectile vomited on my driveway/shoes. After that, I continued to have an odd nausea that seemed to follow me (probably for a few weeks) and I found that this nausea was a perfect way to avoid eating. Well I’m not the type of person who can just not eat. I don’t have that life skill. Or dying skill? I needed to eat and as a side effect of my marijuana, I needed to eat A LOT. Plus, who doesn’t like food? It’s literally our purpose in life. So, I found that I could go into the bathroom after I ate a lot and shove my fingers down my throat and vomit up what I had just eaten, and when I came out of the bathroom I wasn’t faced with suspicion, I was met with concern. -another side note - Why I thought I’d be met with suspicion I do not know. My parents trust me implicitly.

Again, back to the bulimia. The concern I was met with forced me to come up with an explanation (or we can call it what it really was; an excuse). I decided to narrow in on one of the new medications I had been prescribed (I have severe depression, but that’s another story). This medication had a side effect warning of nausea and vomiting so it actually worked out perfectly for me. My parents suggested coming off of the medication, but I wouldn’t do it because I hadn’t felt this good in the last decade. And the thing is, I GENUINELY believed that I was feeling better because of the medication. I thought for sure that the med was the reason I was happier and not the two years of Electroconvulsive Therapy, frequent psychologist visits, many medications, and a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy group at a mental health hospital. Or because I was finally losing weight. Weight that I had accumulated in the previous decade when I had been meds that had weight gain as a side effect, and the chronic, unrelenting hell my depression was forcing me to live in. Looking back, I think it’s mostly that depression that helped me gain the weight and less the meds. I eat when I’m sad. Or bored. And believe me - as an agoraphobic, socially anxious, and utterly depressed person, you’re often sad. And bored.

I was the thinnest I had ever been, and I was the happiest I had been in literally longer than I can remember. I knew it was the meds. And I didn’t even consider my newfound confidence and happiness was from being thinner than my older sister for the first time in my life. But here’s the thing - I think it was. I now know that it was never the medication. It was the compliments. It was the new clothes. It was putting on my old pants and complaining that they were now huge on me. What a fucking awful person I must be. Or am I just a fucking idiot who let the outside world tell me what I should be. Personally, I think it’s a little bit of both. Maybe I craved the attention, both positive and negative, and maybe I craved the freedom to finally eat whatever I wanted and not worry about gaining weight. What my family and friends must have gone through. I can’t imagine. So worried about my health, but so happy to see me happy. Fuck it, it’s definitely more awful person than fucking idiot.

And my family and friends were worried. I could see it on their faces every time I came out of the bathroom with a red face, bloodshot eyes, and broken blood vessels. For eleven months I put my loved ones through this. For eleven months I was more selfish than I can ever imagine being. And still I was happy. But here’s the weird part - I wasn’t happy in my body. I still thought I was too big, and saw a flabby stomach in the mirror. - side note #3 - I love the word flabby. I’m claiming that word as my own. I think that’s how I’ll describe my stomach from now on. That makes me smile.

I was unhappy because I had body dysmorphia; something I knew about, and could discuss, but never thought to apply to myself. That’s what it was, and probably what it is today. It took me eleven months to break my vow of vomiting and I only broke it because I wasn’t that great at it anymore. Seriously, it was just getting harder to get myself to vomit. I guess I developed a tolerance for it. And then I enrolled full time in college and the stress was my excuse to eat more and more. Not even unhealthy food either - not that it matters - but I still like to tell people that I gained 7 pounds of Jif’s chunky peanut butter and granny smith apples. Which is actually pretty accurate, though admittedly probably more peanut butter than apple.

And then my agoraphobia came back and I quit college and I said “fuck it” and ate whatthehellever I wanted to. So, couple of pounds later, here I am, pretty much exactly right back where I began. Except that was before 9:17. That was before my life changed. My life has genuinely changed because I’ve read the first 22 pages of Jes Baker’s “Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls”. Jesus Christ, imagine where I’ll be when I finish the book. Or even the second chapter. Now I love my body. Or at least I’m damned well trying to. And I’m believing it. Which is kind of amazing because I haven’t believed that since the fourth grade. I kind of like my flabby stomach and my thick upper arms. Maybe this means that I can wear guys clothes, or hell, even make my own, instead of fucking crop tops. -side note #4 - Don’t fucking get me started on crop tops. Don’t give a shit if you wear one, but why are you paying for half a shirt??? Get your money’s worth girl.

Why should I wear guys clothes because my body doesn’t fit perfectly (according to society) into size small, you ask? Well because I like guys clothes. They’re more comfortable and I like the tops that have half length sleeves in a different colour than the chest (no fucking idea what those are called). And I like dresses. Frilly, froofy, British royalty, or Tahani-from-The-Good-Place dresses. But I can never find any that fit correctly or that aren’t obscenely expensive, so maybe I’ll just take up sewing and make my own. Because why the fuck not.

I think that’s how I’m going to live my life from now on. Whenever I look in the mirror and question how I look and if I should keep this top on, I’m going to say to myself “well, why the fuck not?” If I like it, why the fuck not? If I like boyfriend jeans and baggy tops or dress up to the nines; why the fuck not? If I think it’s right thing to do, will make me or someone else happy, then WHY THE FUCK NOT.

#whythefucknot free secretbulimia abouttime

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icanonlybe-human · 3 years ago

Text

Today was great until it was crap.

My parents and I spent the day at the cinema, ended up watching two movies. Dad made me feel bad about making him watch the 1st movie. Mum made me feel bad about info dumping on her about the background of the first movie. The second movie was fine. I got home and started thinking about the relentless death March of time and how I truly despise it. How much I wanted to stay in that sweet moment.

So, I’ve been having the usual shit that comes with staying in The Godforsaken Bed. Like, yes it sucks when I have to deal with the usual shit every night (severe anxiety, clinical depression that is becoming drug resistant, agoraphobia, PTSD as well as the usual problems with having autism and ADHD), but having the PTSD and anxiety on higher alert than usual sucks. But you know what sucks more? When you’ve got all that going on normally only for it to be worsened ten-fold due to the general shitshow of your life.

So, my cousin texted me about the Mother’s Day gift I gave Nan. It was meant to be a lighthearted text but ended with me having a meltdown. The gift we were talking about has a swear word on it and Nan refuses to use it. Everyone laughs about it, but Nan keeps joking about how she wants to take it to the Op Shop. Except, tonight it didn’t feel like a joke when my cousin mentioned it. Because yesterday, when Nan was talking about taking it to the Op Shop in front of me, I said she couldn’t take it to the Op Shop. She said “but I can’t wear them, dahl”. And, I know it sounds stupid, but it sounded so sincere that she really didn’t want my present. So that, paired with a thing that happened last weekend (another thing I accidentally did to upset Nan, surprise surprise) that the family kept teasing me about made me feel like a useless pile of shit covered trash. So I was feeling crap about all of that, started crying in front of my parents and Mum told me that I was overthinking things again and to cut it out. Right, because telling me something I already know is so fucking helpful /sarcasm

Then, I vented on an autistic chat on discord and realised that the only person who has genuinely asked if I was okay this year (we’re now in the 6th month of the year), was a guy I met on the internet. Like, don’t get me wrong, I love them for being there for me even though they don’t really know me (yet knows parts of me no one else could ever understand), and the fact that I have someone like that in my life. But… the fact that I have real life friends and family who say they care about me and yet don’t check in on me even though I check on them… it hurts like fucking hell. The fact that I was openly crying in front of my parents and they couldn’t give a bigger shit - these the people who created me and raised me and literally paid for me to exist and are meant to care the most.

No one ever cares properly until you say you’re going to off yourself. And then it’s “why would you ever do that? You have so many people that love you!” Real love, is giving a shit when someone else is hurting, broken, in pain and literally crying out for help. Love isn’t stating the obvious or asking where thoughts came from when someone has a meltdown. Love is supporting people. I don’t have that, with anyone it seems. Except for some random I met on the internet.

Now tell me, how am I supposed to not be suicidal when this is happening in the lead up to that thought process. When it comes to this stuff, it isn’t “I suddenly want to d*e for no reason. There is a long build up before, and there is an after. And if we choose to live, then we have to deal with the same shit we had to deal with beforehand before people only give a shit for a fleeting moment when you tell them just how sick you are.

It seems in my survival effort to become invisible to neurotypicals, I have become too invisible - even to my parents and family and supposed friends.

You always feel the most alone when you are surrounded by people you know… and they don’t notice or care about you.

I hope this made sense, I’m a bit sleep deprived at the moment. And emotional.

#diary #journal

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pride-vns-blog · 7 years ago

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LGBTQ VN Week: Day Four! (6/21)

Wow, we’re already at the fourth day of LGBTQ visual novel recommendations! You’ve probably seen this preface on previous parts of this list, but if you haven’t read my first post, that writeup’s “One note before we get started” section, explains more clearly what this list is and why I’m writing it!

Plenty of visual novels talk about sex and intimacy, so for today, I’ve set aside four with my personal favorite approaches to the topic — CODE:Phantasm’s 404 Error: Connection Not Found, parade’s No Thank You!!!, SugarScript’s Cute Demon Crashers, and Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim, plus a conversation with Mitch about his creative process on Tusks.

Head on in to hear about your little brother dyeing his hair pink, a truly inscrutable protagonist, freeloading demons playing Mario Kart, and inspirational Skyrim mods!

404 ERROR: CONNECTION NOT FOUND (CODE:PHANTASM)

Itchio Tagline: “Sometimes connecting to others is harder than loneliness.” Genre(s): Slice of life; drama. Release Date: July 30th, 2017 (demo); TBA (full version). Content Warnings: Text-only depiction of sex and sex work; adult content.

404 Error: Connection Not Found is the story of Ren Matsuura, a camboy who ran away from home after turning eighteen and supports himself financially through camming — but thanks to his agoraphobia and general anxiety, he rarely goes outside, to the point that he’s pared all his social connections down to casual conversations with his clients and lying to his younger brother Haru about what he does for a living. When his brother decides to come visit for the first time since Ren moved out, Ren is forced to confront the fact that his guilt and shame have driven him into a corner with no support system. In the span of the demo, he starts to try and reach out to the clients he has a more regular relationship with to prepare him for Haru’s eventual visit, ending on a cliffhanger that seems to be leading directly into the plotline of the main story.

This visual novel’s demo is the shortest of all the stories on my entire list, to my knowledge, but it’s also the most memorable demo I’ve played in a long, long while. As someone who’s had to contend with similar mental illnesses in the past — paranoia and agoraphobia unsurprisingly have a pretty high degree of comorbidity! — I felt like Ren’s slow struggle to make progress for the sake of his younger brother was written sincerely, thoughtfully, and believably in the timespan of a single demo playthrough. Ren can be funny, when he’s not spiraling internally, and his rocky progress at trying to talk to others more honestly is loaded with plenty of funny jokes and quips about his takes on things. He’s a sympathetic, well-rounded protagonist who comes across strongly in the demo alone, and I ended up really rooting for him to make it to a place where he was happier with his life.

There’s another aspect to the story that I ended up really liking, too: the fact that sex work, especially jobs like camming, can be extremely common among LGBTQ people who can’t support themselves financially in other ways. Ren can’t go outside and can’t interact with many people without severe, earth-shattering anxiety attacks (a few of which we see in the demo!), so this job is what he’s got. It’s a job that’s sustained him for years, and although it’s certainly fed into his own relative isolation, 404 Error seemed to walk that careful balance of making it explicit that it’s Ren’s own lack of steady support for his mental illness instead of the simple fact that he does sex work that causes his interpersonal problems. I’m optimistic about the remainder of the story’s handling of those kinds of things, too, because what was present in the demo was sympathetic and sincere! There’s not very many sex workers or camgirls/camboys in visual novels outside of an extremely tiny handful, let ones alone in conjunction to stories that acknowledge of the way LGBTQ people as a whole can struggle with more convential jobs, so Ren’s genuinely empathetic personality and the hope I have for his future makes me excited to see where CODE:Phantasm takes 404 Error from here.

404 Error: Connection Not Found’s free Yaoi Game Jam demo is available now, and you can follow the CODE:Phantasm team on Itch.io, Twitter, or Tumblr to stay updated on their progress with Ren’s story.

NO THANK YOU!!! (PARADE)

MangaGamer Tagline: “This summer vacation begins with a car accident...” Genre(s): Comedy; drama; mystery. Release Date: June 28, 2013 (Japanese); February 27, 2015 (English). Content Warnings: Adult content; multiple sex scenes; frequent sexual harassment; blood; drugs; violence; death.

Right off the bat, I think parade’s debut visual novel (as a studio, at least) does a lot of interesting things and definitely seems to be aiming high with creating distinct, memorable stories. The art in No Thank You!!! is gorgeous, its voice acting is top-tier, a lot of the side characters are compelling even beyond the space or role the narrative gives them, and the love interests alone are all fully-realized characters with interesting stories. Romance option Ryu’s route, in particular, fleshes out the larger sense of mystery and the other characters to an astounding degree! That’s to say nothing of the most unique mechanic — which I mostly call the NTY!!! button — that offers you the chance to say “no thank you” in a variety of scenes without always telling you what it is you’re saying that to. It’s occasionally a little too easy to guess, but at certain points I ended up lulled into a false sense of security with that easiness that the game was all too ready to take advantage of with a much less obvious choice.

One of the sticking points with No Thank You!!! that I’ve seen other players express, on the other hand, is the way protagonist Haru is written. That’s not to say his writing specifically is bad — parade clearly had a vision in mind for Haru’s personality, and from his sketchy beginnings to his clearer end, he’s a coherent character with a consistent narrative. While the crux of the story is more insight into Haru, where he came from, and what the truth behind all those mysteries might be, though, Haru’s behavior still underpins a lot of what drives the romance routes forward. And his behavior... The official quote on his personality, “[s]exual harassment is an everyday activity for him,” can at times seem like it’s underselling exactly how often he tries to grab an ass. It’s no surprise that a fair few other players I’ve seen have walked away with pretty strong opinions on Haru as a character. (I’m personally not a huge fan.)

But to me, a divisive protagonist who you don’t actually fully understand as a character — Haru’s thoughts on a lot of key things are far less accessible than the likes of Aoba Seragaki or most Western M/M protagonists, which leaves you knowing most of his thoughts or feelings via his interactions from others — seems to go perfectly hand-in-hand with the way the visual novel as a whole operates. No Thank You!!! puts you at a distance by Haru’s viewpoint being occasionally “indecipherable” (to use the official phrasing), and then it throws you further with its sometimes-unpredictable NTY!!! button mechanic, but the strength of its other individual pieces taken together still sold me on it as both a solid set of mystery stories and an 18+ dating sim.

Also I really like Maki.

No Thank You!!! is available for a sale price of $19.95 on MangaGamer’s store (18+), and you can read more about parade’s story and characters on MangaGamer’s designated No Thank You!!! page (also 18+).

CUTE DEMON CRASHERS (SUGARSCRIPT)

Itchio Tagline: “A short and silly consent-friendly and sex-positive VN!” Genre(s): Modern fantasy. Release Date: April 7th, 2015 (Mirari and Akki’s routes); August 15th, 2015 (full version). Content Warnings: Multiple sex scenes; detailed uncensored nudity.

I don’t think I could sum up Cute Demon Crashers better than the Itch.io tagline does — it’s short, it’s hilarious, and it’s got an emphasis on consent that meshes perfectly with its goofy “a bunch of incubi and one succubus come to the mortal realm to have sex” plot. The characters are all charming and fit perfectly into its universe, with distinct personalities that come across clearly without ever feeling hamfisted in the limited time that the script lets you spend with them. Although this isn’t necessarily a romance game, especially given that incubi and succubi are “closer to what people know of as aromantic” according to the SugarScript FAQ, its cute, thoughtful writing and adorable design in everything from the characters to the user interface mean that there’s plenty of love infused in every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers.

Like yesterday’s We Know The Devil, Cute Demon Crashers is one of those visual novels with a distinct, memorable mechanic that almost placed it squarely in Tuesday’s creative design list. Cute Demon Crashers is one of the first visual novels — or, by my experience, the first altogether — to implement a mechanic specifically themed around stopping in the middle of sex. If you’re ever uncomfortable or you just plain want the scene to end, you can hit a button and protagonist Claire will talk with her partner to bring things to a close. (There’s also an option to just plain old not have sex with any of them, and spending time with the characters!) A lot of the dialogue in these scenes in particular is thoughtful, nuanced, and reads to me as being a pretty realistic depiction of how someone like Claire might ask those questions or express those kinds of concerns.

The way Cute Demon Crashers handles intimacy and sexuality, by another measure, is one of those things that I think has also had a not-insignificant impact on the visual novel community as a whole; I’ve seen a fair number of people who’ve apparently never enjoyed an 18+ dating sim before talk about how its portrayal of sex resonated with them or brought them some measure of comfort. Because of the SugarScript team’s relative investment in the English-language visual novel scene as a whole, too — this project was born out of NaNoRenO and I’ve seen them promote development forum hub LemmaSoft or other small visual novels more than once — the compassion for the player that’s written into every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers seems to extend naturally to everyone else around the team in real life, which is something extremely special.

The entirety of Cute Demon Crashers is available now for free, and you can find out more information on its upcoming sequel (Cute Demon Crashers: Side B) on the SugarScript Twitter, Tumblr, and Itch.io!

Itchio Tagline: “GAY ORCS available in YOUR AREA.” Genre(s): Romance; fantasy; community building. Release Date: July 18th, 2015 (First Day demo); January 1st, 2018 (FUARLANG/full main story); TBA (individual route endings). Content Warnings: Adult content; sex; mentions of violence.

Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim, from head to toe, is one of my favorite depictions of sex and intimacy in video games — and with every gradual update, especially the most recent FUARLANG build that finished out the mai storyline, I’ve only become more sure of that. There’s an endearingly genuine quality to its art, character dialogue, and even in things like the NPC autonomy feature, where your companions have just as many chances to sway things like group votes or decide who’s on watch as you would without NPC autonomy being enabled.

Interested to hear Mitch talk a little bit about his design process and the inspiration behind Tusks, I got in touch and asked him a few questions!

Thanks for taking the time for an interview, Mitch! While the title might be fairly self-explanatory, haha, how would you outline Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim in more detail to somebody new?

Tusks is a visual novel where the player joins a group at an annual orcish gathering, in a forest at the edge of a semi-mythical version of Scotland, and you then travel with this new found family and get to know them better. Most of the game is your group getting into adventures, talking to them one-on-one at camp at nighttime, and making decisions about how to go about your travels. The game's cast are all queer, and the game itself is an exploration of queer identity, community, history, and our relationship with the idea of monstrosity/Otherness.

I think it's fair to say that Tusks, as well as your larger body of work, deals a lot with intimacy and sexuality, especially the intersection between those two things; this is probably a question you've thought over yourself a fair bit, but what in particular interests you about those topics that drives you to explore them in Tusks and your other work?

Part of it is the fact that intimacy and sexuality are areas that can be massively important to queer people (especially since many of us are marginalised as a result of our sexuality being seen as deviant) but there aren't a lot of mainstream sources that play with intimacy and sexuality in relevant ways. And part of it is just because exploring sexuality for its own sake can be fun as well!

Definitely! There's always room for more fun with depictions of sexuality, haha. The premise for an all-orc dating sim is definitely a memorable one, and one you've fleshed out incredibly well with the thoughtfulness of your worldbuilding and character dynamics. What was the original inspiration that you built Tusks on, and what helped carry you across the finishing line of completing (for the most part) its story?

It was a lot of different threads coming together: I'd been playing a modded Skyrim save with an orc character who, in my head, was gay and had left his stronghold so to find other orcs like him and establish his own wee found family. That happened at the same time as me finding out about the NaNoReNo visual novel game jam, plus wanting to work on a game that actually put queer characters and discussions first and foremost rather than us just being a token presentation.

As for what carried me through, there was lots of things: the excitement of getting to tell stories that you just don't see in mainstream games, getting amazing feedback from players, and then at the end when I released the full main story on New Years', it was sheer bloody-mindedness.

There's a fair few interesting mechanics in Tusks, especially with regards to NPC autonomy; can you share a little bit of insight on why you decided to include those and how they function in the code?

NPC autonomy's a small but effective way of just slightly upsetting this idea that in visual novels, the player character gets to make all the decisions -- it automatically puts you in a decision-making leader role, and it's up to the writer then to narratively justify that -- which can be difficult if you're wanting to tell a story about a group of equal partners. So instead, NPC autonomy lets characters vote on things or lets characters potentially turn you down for romantic encounters.

It's an optional feature, so it's possible to play the game without it being on -- it just slightly changes the flow of the story and makes it seem a tad-bit more like you're part of a collective, if that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes sense! I think my playthroughs where NPC autonomy was on were definitely more interesting, by and large, because it really does add a lot to that sense of cooperation and community.

If you had to pick just one, what non-human (and non-orc) creature do you think more people should appreciate?

I'm really interested in exploring things with strong mythological connotations like minotaurs, since they're surrounded by particular ideas like labyrinths, being half-human and half-animal. I'd also really like to see someone explore the monstrousness of hags from [Dungeons and Dragons], because I think there's probably a way to talk about them and explore their relationships to femininity, presentation, glamour magick, witchcraft, and power.

Good choices! Those are both definitely really interesting ones. To wrap things up, are there any LGBTQ visual novels from other developers that you'd like to recommend?

I'd recommend checking out The Bitter Drop, by Isak Grozny; Ladykiller in a Bind by Christine Love, and We Know the Devil by Date Nighto!

Perfect! It's been a pleasure talking to you, Mitch, and I'm looking forward to your future projects.

Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim is available now for a reverse-sale price of $2.02, and you can support Mitch Alexander’s work on Patreon or follow his “nonsense” on Twitter and fully-released work on Itch.io!

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eeveelutionsforequality · 7 years ago

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What if the Autism cure only got rid of certain symptoms that most people wouldn't miss, like sensory overload? Would this be a good compromise between the two groups? That's only a what if, I think if there was a cure for autism in our time, the risk of it being abused and forced upon people would be way too high, so it's better that there isn't one. Maybe in a future where there's less ableism, better education and better care available.

Exactly! Like, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a cure or wanting a treatment or wanting something that can take away the harder parts - like the sensory overloads you mentioned, the moments of explosive anger, the confusion, etc - but at the moment I do think that we live in an atmosphere where something like that would be forced upon people.

Being somebody who's been forcibly hospitalized, I think I'm pretty acutely aware of those risks - like, I was forced onto meds that lowered my blood pressure, because when you're sectioned the doctors have complete say in what you can or can't take, despite me having low blood pressure issues, and I spent an entire night on a blood pressure monitor unable to even lift my head and feeling like my body was gonna give out any second. I watched friends get forced onto ECT and suffer horribly, and was told that if I didn't behave and do exactly as I was told then I would be put through that too (most of the staff don't actually believe that ECT works, and they know that it wouldn't help some of the people that they put on it or threaten with it, it's just a useful thing to scare or control people with, but don't tell anybody I told you that, it's an industry secret).

When I was in supported accommodation, I had to attend some of the support groups that they ran to teach you life skills (things like cooking and cleaning) and to re-introduce you to socializing (because a lot of people become what they refer to as "institutionalized" when they're institutionalized for too long - by that they mean that you lose your ability to interact with the outside or normal world, you forget how to cook or clean, you forget how to talk to normal people, you don't feel safe knowing that there isn't an alarm system for if something goes wrong, you're dependent upon the idea that there's a staff member nearby 24/7, you're afraid of going outside or of being left alone, it's kinda like combining some features of Stockholm syndrome and agoraphobia, it's weird). Because I'm a magnet for dark conversations, apparently my group got way deeper into what it was actually like being in hospital than my support worker at the time was used to - all of us had stories of being restrained or forced onto meds that fucked us up.

My support worker at the time, having been doing direct care (*cough* badly and illegally *cough*) with outpatients for so long, had no real understanding of how bad the bad side of mental health treatment actually is. I mean, we're still fixing the fuck ups from centuries ago.

Right now, I genuinely have no doubt that a "cure" would be forced onto- maybe not everybody, but at least everybody who was sick enough to end up in hospital, regardless of whether that was the right thing for them. And regardless of what that cure is, even if it only takes away sensory overload, I'm against the idea of forcing things, especially things that alter your brain or thinking, upon people without their consent. I mean, we don't even force cancer treatment upon people without their consent, we can have "Do not resuscitate", so why is it that we don't get a choice when it comes to our brains?

On the flip side, there are definitely people who want treatments like that, and I really don't want to deny them that - I think a lot of the "I'm perfect how I am!" stuff has an underlying level of anti-medication stuff. It's like that whole "but what if the anti-depressants take away the 'real me'?" stuff in some ways sometimes. Medication isn't inherently evil, it can help a lot of people, it can be great for a lot of people, but we shouldn't force it upon people. I think people really need to challenge the mindset that taking a pill makes you not you, and the mindset that the end goal of treatment is to be able to live without pills.

But yeah, I get that the people developing treatments and the people working in mental health treatment are different people, so I can't really be like "Slow down the development until you've exorcized your demons" or words to that effect, but I do think that mental health treatment is a shambles at the moment. Like, it seems to be flip-flopping between being too eager to shove people on meds and disregard their wants, and being too against diagnosis and meds and practical treatment... like, some doctors will just be like "maybe that's just who you are, maybe you just need to come off the anti-depressants and change your outlook" and you're like??? are you trying to make me kill myself, Karen???

Like, it feels like we said "we want individual care with a focus on case by case treatment" and they heard "we don't want to be diagnosed, we want our treatment to be dependent upon the doctor's politics and not our own needs, and we want to be treated like the end goal is to make us act normal not to ease our struggles".

As I've mentioned before, this isn't an anti-treatment thing, and I genuinely believe that people should go and speak with a doctor if they need help - the chance of something going really wrong is low, especially if you're aware of the risks and aware of your rights. Suffering alone is not preferable to getting the help that you need, just make sure that you've learnt your rights, speak carefully, get the right doctor, and contact advocacy groups - stuff can fuck up, that's true, but it can also save your life.

~ Vape

#Mod Vaporeon #this got really rambley #I hope I made my point somewhere in there

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cchie · 8 years ago

Text

Poppy Heathcliff’s Big Ol’ Honkin’ Questionnaire

A. Psychology

What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera… Poppy is most definitely an INFP “The Mediator” - gentle, shy, passionate, pure, emotional.

What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera… Neutral good. She only wants to do what is best.

Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it? When she was younger, she used to have agoraphobia and anxiety. She still experiences them to this day but to a severely lesser degree. Taking medication for it was something she had considered but once she found her passion for horticulture, she’s found ways to deal with it.

Are they a pessimist or an optimist? Optimist! She always wants to find the brighter and sunnier things in life. The darker parts scare her and make her sad, but she knows it’s important to accept those as well.

Are they good at handling change in their life? Sort of. Change can be pretty hard for Poppy since she just likes being comfortable. However, she can be resilient. So while it might be hard for her mentally and emotionally, she’ll get used to it after the initial discomfort.

Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.” Because of her anxiety and people-pleaser ways, she generally questions it. If somebody confronts her and says she said something different, she’ll shrink in size and say something along the lines of “O-oh, I’m so sorry. I thought I-I said the r-right thing!”

Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted? Oh, god, Poppy is very easily embarrassed and shamed. She hates it. If someone were to startle her, she’d probably squeal and cry, and then feel completely humiliated. Whenever she cries, which is indeed a lot, she does feel like she’s overreacting but only because kids picked on her when she was younger. Her parents have taught her that it’s okay to cry.

Is your OC a martyr? She absolutely would be.

Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others? Nope! Poppy prefers being honest with people. She doesn’t like lying because she knows it’s wrong and disrespectful. She used to make excuses for herself when she was younger but now she’s grown and learning to love herself. If she’s late to something, which she rarely ever is, she’ll be honest and let them know ASAP.

Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily? Yes. Poppy is scared of not pleasing everybody and wants everyone to be happy, even if that means compromising something. Generally, if it’s something she feels incredibly strongly about, she won’t back down. After fighting for it, she would be highly reluctant to compromise at all.

Does your OC put others’ needs before their own? Yes, that’s one of the downsides of Poppy. She’ll put others’ needs before hers at all times and it destroys her a bit inside. It’s tiring and exhausting but she’d rather everyone around her be happy than solely herself be happy.

Does your OC have any addictions? If so and problematic, have they admitted it to themselves? While Poppy loves gardening, I wouldn’t call it an addiction.

Does your OC have any phobias? If so, where did they come from? Many things scare Poppy and freak her out but I wouldn’t think to go as far as diagnosing her with multiple phobias. She had agoraphobia and has a mild case nowadays but she’s getting better with it. Really, her anxiety makes her afraid to fail, displease people, and lose loved ones.

Is your character empathetic? Poppy is actually my most empathetic OC. She feels so deeply and strongly and doesn’t necessarily know how to handle any of it, though she’s trying really hard. This is why she tries so hard to make everyone around her happy, because she can feel what they are feeling.

Is your character observant? Yes! In a quiet way. She doesn’t actively seek out to observe everything. Rather, she does it in a way that she’s trying to learn and the anxiety also makes her aware of her surroundings.

Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first? Listening to others and learning from that is primarily how Poppy functions. She values the words of others and would rather not go through trials herself in fear of failing or doing something wrong.

What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves? After squeezing through the hectic halls of Hope’s Horizon, the small pigtailed blonde stepped out of her school’s back doors and into the sun soaked courtyard. The sun beat down on her freckled face and she had to squint her leaf green eyes to see for a few seconds. She took a deep, relaxing breath, and decided to head for the school’s garden. This was shared between her (the Ultimate Horticulturist), the Ultimate Florist, the Ultimate Pedologist, and the Ultimate Entomologist. While she didn’t like crowds, she had become friendly with these fellow students since they all shared similar interests and had to share the same garden area. Although, Poppy was allowed her own Greenhouse in which she would also graciously share it with the first three. She was a bit drained socially after having to bump into classmates in the hallways and apologize profusely. It was always a challenge for her, especially because she was so small in stature. As she hummed to herself and walked towards the Garden, she heard two angry voices and one...anxious one. Her heart stopped in panic as she heard and she quietly snuck behind some nearby trees. She peered from behind the tree trunk and saw two rather tall boys, one holding what appeared to be a violin. In front of them was a rather upset-looking, but gorgeous, brunette. She was wringing her wrists and stammering. “Ha! Ultimate Violinist, what a lame Talent! What are you without your violin, huh? Just a stuck up rich girl, huh?” the first boy snickered, holding the violin up high. “Ah, please, give th-that back,” the brunette’s voice shook. The second boy mimicked her stutter and laughed. “Hey Scott, what if we smashed it?” The first boy gave a wicked grin. “Yeah, Kaden, I think that sounds like fun!” Before Poppy was even aware of what she was doing, she sprinted towards them and planted herself in front of the brunette. She could feel the fear and anxiety radiating off of the Ultimate Violinist. “S-stop it! G-give it back to h-her!” her voice squeaked. The two boys looked at her and laughed. “And who the hell are you?” “P-p-p-” she cleared her throat and tried again. “Poppy Heathcliff!” she said confidently. “I-I’m the Ultimate Horticulturist. And you n-need to, um, stop being so c-cruel!” The two bullies just laughed. “Huh. And whatcha gonna do, shrimp? Kick me in the knees?” the first boy sneered. “A-actually, I h-happen to h-have some poison ivy leaves on m-my person at the moment, and it would be a sh-shame if they happened to touch you two,” she said, in a panicked but fierce tone. “Y-you know what poison ivy, um, d-does, right? It gives you a rash and a fever and-” she reached into her pocket and grabbed a ziploc bag with leaves inside of it. The two boys narrowed their eyes in suspicion and as she pulled out the bag, they straightened up and a very brief flash of fear appeared in their eyes. “A-and I know that V-Violet Adams would be sad to hear about t-two bullies, and Redd Blaze certainly doesn’t l-like bullies, and-” she stammered hastily. The two boys looked at each other and scowled. “Fine, this isn’t fun anymore anyways. Let’s go, dude!” They started walking away and before Poppy could shout that they still had the violin, the first boy tossed the violin behind him without even looking. The brunette tried to grab it but with not much dexterity and much more clumsiness, it bounced out of her hands and headed towards the pavement. Seeing this, Poppy instinctively dove to catch it and did so successfully, while also scraping her knees in the process. “Oomph, ow!” she winced, softly whispering. The tall brunette kneeled down and avoided eye contact with her scraped knee. “Oh, ah, my goodness, I am so sorry!” Poppy smiled and looked into the eyes of the girl for the first time. They were a beautiful light brown, so light they were almost golden, and it was like looking into two small suns. Her heart skipped a beat. This woman was gorgeous in the classic and elegant sense. “Ummm, uh, I-I’m Poppy. It’s n-nice to meet you!” she exclaimed, giving a big smile. “I’m Aria. Aria Arpeggio. Lovely to meet you,” she said, giving a small smile. Poppy and Aria shook hands and she gently handed her the violin back. “Here, this m-must be very, um, important to you. It’s a lovely violin. It’s made out of the best wood for s-string instruments, too. You r-really know your stuff,” the small blonde said happily, all the while taking a small first aid kit out of her backpack and caring to her wound. “Haha, well, I would surely hope so. Thank you, ah, for saving me from those two...those awful boys,” she shut her eyes and shook her head, then looked in the direction of the bag Poppy had. “Erm, are those actually poison ivy leaves?” Poppy giggled, it was like a wind chime. “No, not at all. Those are just some bay leaves I’ve gathered for a friend. Not dangerous at all. I d-don’t even know if I w-would have, um, had the courage to h-hurt them with it, anyways.” She looked down and gave a small sad smile. “Well, I think that’s rather, ah, noble of you, Poppy Heathcliff. You did more than I could, certainly.” Poppy’s heart swelled and small tears welled her eyes. “Let’s be friends, okay?” Aria blinked with surprised and stammered. “A-ah, sure, P-Poppy. That sounds nice.” Poppy smiled. I can’t believe I stood up for somebody, she thought, and I can’t believe I just made a friend.

Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do? I mean, she gets envious but more in a unselfish way. She’s envious of how others can be the life of the party and be so outgoing but it’s more of an admiration type of jealousy rather than an ugly jealousy.

What instantly irritates them or puts them in a bad mood? Bullies, her anxiety kicking in.

Are they harsh on themselves? Yes. She wants to be good at what she does and she wants to make people happy. She pushes herself a lot and doesn’t take care of herself as much as she should when it comes to pleasing others and making other people happy.

Do they make excuses often? See previous question about excuses.

Is your OC intended to be found generally attractive? Unattractive? Average? Is there a reason why? Poppy can be very pretty when she decides to dress up. She’s got dandelion yellow hair she usually puts into a ponytail or pigtails. Her eyes are a beautiful leaf green, and she has freckles. Her right cheek has a scar from a rose bush years ago and her hands are surprisingly rough and scarred from gardening. While she uses lotion, it doesn’t always work. “Cute” and “adorable” are better words to describe Poppy.

Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it? Poppy is not a very confident person but she tries. She likes wearing cute, comfortable, and practical things. She’s concerned with appearance in terms of just making sure she doesn’t look ridiculous. Her taste is more floral prints, frills, lace, and simple.

What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it? Some of her biggest obstacles are overcoming her anxietys, her fears, her struggle with her gender identity versus her biological sex (intersex), and her selflessness. She’s aware of all of this and trying her hardest to work on it.

B. Social

Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it? She’s somewhere in between the two. Basically, she believes in showing respect regardless of being shown it first. However, if there is a continual disrespect, she no longer believes respect should be shown to that individual.

Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly? Not at all. She’s rather slow moving herself and she daydreams a lot. So while she may be waiting a while, she’s very patient and understanding.

Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera? Virtually none. As I stated above, she’s incredibly patient and understanding and would not get upset. The only thing I can imagine her getting upset over is blatant discrimination.

Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip? Over 25% is how Poppy tips, even if the service isn’t great. She is empathetic to people working in the food service and knows they rely on tips to survive.

Do they hold doors open for people? Yes, if she notices people are walking in the same direction. She always wants to be polite and show manners.

Would your OC let someone ahead of them in line if your OC had a big cart and the person behind them had very few items? Yes! She would always offer them to go in front of her.

How do they respond to babies crying in public? Being empathetic, she would wince a little at first and worry about the child and eventually walk over and ask to hold the baby. She’s really great with children and can almost always calm them down and soothe them.

Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny? Not funny in a conventional way. She’s funny in the way she’s innocent and cries a lot and is just super adorable. She likes to believe she can be funny sometimes but overall she doesn’t think she is. Humor is not her strong suit.

What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM… Plant humor. Any plant puns or anything similar makes her smile and laugh and it makes her days brighter.

Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t? She actually abhorrently hates that kind of humor. Having her empathy she feels what the victim feels and also suffers severe secondhand shame and embarrassment. Why is hurting or scaring people funny?

Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late? When she rarely ever runs late, she’ll let the person know as soon as possible and is always honest.

Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do? Honestly, she would struggle with letting them know but would do so after 15 minutes of internal struggle. Then, she would let them know in the most polite way possible and apologize profusely and reassure that it’s not a big deal.

Do they have a large or small group of friends? Small, with the potential to become large. She’s just usually never the instigator with friendships due to her wilting under social anxiety.

Do they have people they are genuinely honest with about themselves? Herself, her parents, Aria, Sam, and Violet. And occasionally Piper. Hawkbit and possibly Effy once they ever meet.

Does your OC enjoy social events, such as parties, clubs, et cetera..? No. She likes the idea of them but she can’t deal with the crowds, the loud music, etc. If she does end up going, she either stays in the corner or runs outside, or stays incredibly close to whoever she goes with.

Does your OC like to be the center of attention or more in the mix? More in the mix, for sure. Being the center of attention is uncomfortable for her. While she likes attention and craves it because she’s deathly afraid of ending up alone, the limelight freaks her out.

C. Morality

Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it? Poppy just wants to do what is best for everyone, and she wants to do that if it’s moral. If it isn’t mean, dishonest, hurtful, offensive, etc. she’s okay with it. If it violates anything of the sort she wants nothing to do with it. Even in the end, if she’s put in a situation like she was in Tabletonpa, she wouldn’t kill. She would always choose Mercy.

Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it? Yes, and no. Poppy is not the type to act against her morals unless it’s critical to do so (like lying about the poison ivy leaves). She would feel immense shame for it but believe it was the only option that left both parties unharmed.

Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own? Yes. She has tried to be friends with people who have different ideas than herself and it was very hard for her. Like-minded people make it easier and more comfortable for her. If they have drastically different personalities, but similar ideological tenets, the friendship can still exist.

Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser? If anything, Poppy believes herself to be inferior to everyone else. She has self esteem issues but tries not to dwell on it too much.

Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational? Nope! Even when she was in the killing game she didn’t act against those morals. Even if it was inconvenient. The only time she’s okay with lying is if it is to save somebody.

What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so? Poppy can never ignore the hungry or homeless. She actively participates in soup kitchens and even brings bags of vegetables and fruits to the homeless. She visits them and always brings those bags and some money for them.

Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort? She does believe in change, very firmly so. It can be either natural or very hard, and she holds these beliefs very close to her heart.

Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical? Definitely holding everyone else to the same high expectations. In the events of the killing game, she was always dismayed and disappointed in those who murdered fellow classmates and friends.

D. Religion and Life and Death

How religious is your OC? What do they practice, if anything? If they don’t associate with any religion, what do they think of religion in general? Poppy is actually polytheistic! She believes in multiple gods and she’ll pray but she doesn’t believe it necessary to do everyday or go to church or anything like that. She believes that religion can be important to science and vice versa and respects beliefs.

Do they believe in an afterlife? Yes. She believes in an afterlife because it just sounds too lovely to be fake.

How comfortable are they with the idea of death? Poppy is aware of death, obviously, and accepts that it is a part of nature. Unnatural causes unnerve her and upset her. Death upsets her even though she knows it is a part of life and is frustrated that she can accept that and yet still feel so miserable when somebody or something dies.

Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be? No, she would hate it. She would have to watch all of her loved ones grow old and die without her.

Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible? Poppy is very uncertain about her belief in ghosts. She believes that it’s definitely possible and is scared of them, while also sad for them.

E. Education and Intelligence

Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree? Poppy is smart and above average, but not by a lot. She likes to be a sponge with knowledge but has trouble retaining all of it.

Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera) Unsurprisingly, Poppy is strongest in naturalist and intpersonal. Her weakest is probably intrapersonal or logical-mathematical.

How many languages do they speak? Two! English and Spanish.

Did they enjoy school if they went to it? She did! She enjoyed learning the subjects and field trips but didn’t necessarily love the social aspects. They made her anxious.

What’s their highest education level? Do they want to continue their education? As of Tabletonpa, high school. As of currently, she’s double majored in Horticulture and Therapy..

Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education? Poppy loves learning! She loves learning knew things and actively seeks out more sources.

Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous? Poppy is a great note taker, but taking tests make her very nervous. For a while, her teachers were aware of her severe anxiety and had her take the tests after school instead of in class to ease the anxiety and show her true academic potential.

What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets? In tabletonpa, her biggest regret was not telling Sam or Aria that she was intersex. Currently, her biggest regret is letting people walk all over her when she was younger.

F. Domestic Habits, Work, and Hobbies

What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there? Poppy lives in a small house with her parents in the country area. It’s a small white house, complete with a picket fence and a beautiful garden (a past birthday present for Poppy).

What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it? Ideally, she’d like a slightly bigger house than the one she has with her parents. It would have plants and flowers all over, complete with the love(s) of her life.

Could they ever live in a “tiny home”? Yes! She doesn’t mind tiny homes at all and finds them charming.

How clean are they overall with home upkeep? Pretty clean. Even though she gets dirty outside from gardening, she makes sure the inside of the house is clean. Even what she considers messy is still pretty clean for the average teen.

How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera? Poppy isn’t super handy with appliances but is super handy with medical remedies and first aid. Usually she’ll call Piper to come and help her, or have Piper FaceTime her and walk her through the process.

How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it? She works as a local horticulturist and sometimes lends fruits and vegetables to local farmers. Poppy loves working with plants. They are the light of her life.

What’s their “dream career” or job situation? She’s already pretty much got it. Just gardening and working with plants. She’s interested in plant therapy and wants to get into that.

How often are they home? Pretty often, though she enjoys traveling to see the sights and exotic plants.

Are they homebodies and enjoy being home? Yes! She loves her garden and her parents and being comfortable.

Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are? Poppy loves drawing and the arts. She’s not very good at it though as we’ve discovered through her art collaboration with Piper. Although, she’d like to believe she’s really good at it.

What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most? She loves to garden, listen to soft pop and soft indie and classical, and be with nature.

Would they enjoy a theme park? On one hand she would love all the cute themes and food, but on the other hand, she would be terrified of roller coasters and the crowds.

G. Family and Growing Up

Is your OC close to their family? Yes, she’s very close with her parents. She is an only child. Her parents were kind and nurturing and overall excellent. Poppy loves them so much and admires them more than anything.

Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them? Just her parents!

Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not? Yes! They have been super supportive since day one. They’ve actually helped her so much in terms of her acceptance towards being intersex and her dealing with it.

What kind of childhood did your OC have? At home, her life was just fine. Her parents were loving and accepting, she didn’t misbehave, and she excelled in school. School was a little rough due to her agoraphobia and anxiety, but she’s overcome most of that.

Did they go through any typical phases growing up? Not really. She did have that little girl horse phase though, the one where horses are the best thing ever.

Do they have any favorite childhood memories? Her favorite childhood memory is her parents taking her to a butterfly garden park.

Do they have any childhood memories they’d rather forget or be less affected by? Poppy would love to forget the types of bullying she went through but she can’t.

H. Romance and Intimacy

What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation? Oooo boy. Poppy is polyamorous, panromantic, and demisexual. It’s been a great source of stress to her because for a while, she thought being poly was bad. This lead to her feeling even more different and left out in society, until she came to her parents about it. They reassured her and calmed her down and let her know it was completely normal.

Is your OC a thoughtful partner, in whatever aspect of that you want to cover? Yes! Poppy absolutely is thoughtful with her partner(s). She always gets them gifts from the heart and pays attention to what they love and what they don’t like.

Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right? Nope! She believes that it’s different for everybody. She’s polyamorous, but doesn’t mind being monogamous if it makes her partner uncomfortable with dating others. Poppy loses eyes for everyone else when she’s in love with somebody monogamous.

Does your OC believe in love in first sight? Absolutely. She’s a sucker for love.

Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)? Yes! She loves weddings and wants to get married.

Has your OC ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on? God, no. Poppy could never. And she would never want to.

What do they look for in partners? (Emotionally, mentally, physically..) She looks for somebody who strives for her to be a better version of herself. She looks for a loving, gentle person. Someone who understands her and is accepting.

What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date? A small quiet picnic somewhere, with some nature involved. And soft, playful touches and games.

What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners? Ignorance, impatience, meanness.

I. Food

What are their favorite kinds of flavors– Sweet, salty, sour, spicy, creamy, et cetera? Sweet and healthy are her two favorite. Yes, healthy is a flavor. She loves veggies and fruits, cheeses, and breads, generally snack food.

Do they have any eating requirements or preferences? Allergies, vegetarian, organic-only, religious restrictions… Poppy tries to stay vegetarian but understands that meat is nutritious and important for diets. So every once in a while she’ll have fish, chicken, turkey, etc.

Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances? As I said above, she’s okay with eating meat because of nutrition but she likes staying as close to vegetarian as she can. She thinks the way they kill animals for food is extremely cruel and wishes they would do it in more humane ways.

How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot? Poppy is actually pretty good with cooking due to her knowledge of herbs, veggies, and spices. She doesn’t order out a lot but she’s not against doing so.

Are they a good cook? See above!

Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly? Yes! She does that a lot, but she prefers eating different things.

J. Politics, Current Events, Environmental Aspects

Where does your OC stand most politically? What would they align with most? Poppy is independent. She doesn’t like taking sides and sees positives to both sides.

How politically aware are they? Poppy is pretty politically aware due to her concerns about the environment and global warming.

How politically active are they? Poppy will speak up to her followers about certain acts that limit funding for the environment and so on and so forth. She’ll go to protests but only if somebody goes with her and holds her hand.

Is your OC the sort to fall for fake news? If not, do they ignore it or make a point to clarify that it’s wrong? She used to be until she learned that that was a thing. Now, she talks to Violet and Jack about reputable sources.

Are they or would they protest for a cause they’re passionate about? Absolutely. She wants somebody to be with her when she does so, but she’s passionate about some things and would absolutely go to a protest about it, i.e. Women’s March, Science March, LGBTQIAA+ March, etc.

How do they react to people whose political viewpoints are very opposite of theirs? She tries to be respectful and debate with them and see where they are coming from, but once they resort to ad hominem she leaves.

How much interest in environmental health do they have? SO MUCH. Naturally, Poppy is very interested in environmental health since she works around plants.

In reality-based or applicable worlds, do they believe in global warming? Do they recycle? Yes and yes. She tries to be as environmentally conscious as she can be.

L. For the Writer/Owner

How have your characters changed since you created them? Originally, Poppy was going to be a redhead who wasn’t very empathetic and rather was very apathetic and quiet. Instead, she somehow became this tiny ball of emotions and love.

What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any? Nature, gender identity, love, anxiety, mercy, morals.

Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you? I initially created her to be who I used to be, and then she ended up turning into the softer side of who I am today. She’s an emotional mess, much like me. She’s also a huge people pleaser and terrified of letting people down, also taken from me. However, she’s more moral and full of love than I am, and she’s more eco-friendly.

Would you hang out with your OC if you could? I would love to. She’s adorable and so full of love.

How did you come up with your OC? So, in the Danganronpa Tabletop game I created her for, I wanted to make the Ultimate Horticulturist so I could have somebody working with plants. I love plants but I haven’t done a lot in terms of caring for them so it was cool to do research for that. Then, I wanted to make her different from everyone else, so I made her intersex. It’s also cool to have an intersex character because it raises a tiny bit of awareness as to what intersex is. It’s sad because intersex people don’t get a lot of reputation in the media, or at all, really. Poppy transformed into a small, sensitive ball of love and adoration who had so much love and respect to give and I fell in love with that concept much more. She was also a good contrast to Redd (the fireball of energy and excitement) and Violet (my serious and logical character).

#poppy heathcliff #tabletonpa #my ocs

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prepare4trouble · 8 years ago

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Star Wars Rebels fanfic - Trepidation, part 4

(AU Masterpost)

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

"So," Ezra said, reclining in his chair and trying not to sound jealous or wistful. "Mission starts tomorrow, huh?"

Sabine gave him a strange look, like that had been an unusual thing to say. It was, he supposed. "Yeah," she said. "Funny thing, Hera originally said you were going to be coming with me, now all of a sudden it's Zeb. What's that about?"

"Oh, uh...". Ezra frowned and rubbed at an itch at the tip of his ear. "You know..."

Sabine's suspicious look deepened slightly.

"Jedi stuff," he clarified. "Yeah, Kanan and I have a bunch of important stuff we need to do, so we figured..." He ran his hands through his hair, and hoped he was being convincing. He didn’t feel convincing. "You know, not an important mission, so..."

"Oh, thanks for that." She scowled at him. "It's always nice to know you think my time is valuable."

Oops. "No, no. That's not..." He sighed. "That's not what I meant. It's just, my stuff is more important than..." No, that wouldn't work either. "It's..."

Sabine laughed and shook her head, "You should probably stop now, I think the hole you've dug for yourself is deep enough, don't you?"

He sighed. "Yeah, probably. Sorry."

She shrugged. "It's fine. I know it's probably going to be a waste of time, but I'm looking forward to getting off the base; how long has it been since we went on a real mission?"

“About a week?"

Sabine thumped him lightly with a loose fist. "Fine, you're probably not far wrong, but all this time on a planet? Doesn't feel right to me, you know? Can you go stir crazy when you can go outside whenever you like?"

Ezra shrugged. "I dunno. I think they call that agoraphobia? You know, if you love being cooped up on the ship that much, you could always sit around here and pretend we're in space."

She went to hit him again, but he dodged this time and laughed. "Missed me."

She scowled.

"You know the mission you're going on is to a planet, don't you? Wide open spaces everywhere… Sure you can handle it?”

“It’s a moon, actually,” she informed him.

Ezra shrugged. “Whatever it is, I hear there’s a really bad smell there, so… sucks to be you guys.” He placed his hands behind his head and mimed leaning back, relaxed, “I’ll just be here, hanging out, doing Jedi stuff.” He grinned. Did it look forced? It felt forced, but she didn’t seem to have noticed anything; she just looked vaguely annoyed.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘bad smell’?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Just something I heard. Well, enjoy…” He grinned, a genuine one this time, got up and made a swift retreat, leaving her glaring after him.

The Ghost felt unnaturally quiet without Zeb and Sabine. No argument over breakfast that morning, deciding who got the last waffle. No waffles at all, actually; they were all out, and although he was fairly certain that Zeb kept a secret supply somewhere, he had so far been unsuccessful in locating it.

Maybe that was something he could do while he was left behind. He wouldn’t take them all, but maybe one or two? Zeb could probably be convinced that he had eaten more than he realized, and Ezra felt that he deserved some comfort food. If he could locate them, he could hold off on eating them until after he t…

Told Hera.

He pushed that thought to one side for now. Good things about not being on the mission; he didn’t have to listen to Zeb’s snoring. He would be able to leave the light on all night -- that had become something of an issue between them lately, and it wasn’t like he could blame Zeb for that; after all, he didn’t know why…

He was going to have to tell Zeb soon too. And Sabine.

Zeb would probably give him his waffles if he asked, after that. He wasn’t going to ask. He probably wasn’t going to steal them either, but he was going to find them, and then if he ever did need them, he would know where they were.

He couldn’t actually imagine ever needing them, not right now. The sick, queasy, feeling in the pit of his stomach left him feeling certain that he would never be hungry again.

“Hey, so… something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” He feels nervous, but he manages to remain calm. Hera is curious, but not worried. Calm. She smiles at him. “Okay.” “Yeah, it turns out I’m going blind. I’ve got this thing called…” No. No, that wasn't going to work. He wasn’t going to be able to just blurt it like that.

“Um… So, I…” he scratches his head and looks everywhere but at her. “I’m… It’s like this…” No, he needed to get the words out. If he couldn't even do it in his head, what hope was there for him?

Okay. Deep breath, don’t burt, don’t stammer. “Hey, Hera. Remember that time when Kanan went blind? Well, funny story…” Oh, this was going to be a disaster.

Okay, skip ahead. You’ve got the important bit out, what then?

Hera shakes her head. “How?” “I’ve got this thing called…” “This thing runs in my family. It’s happened a bit earlier than…” “It’s okay. No, really, I’m going to be fine, Kanan’s already taught me how to…” Uh… something? Note to self, learn something so you can say you have.

Hera shakes her head. “No, you’re not. I’ve heard of that, it turns out there’s a cure. There’s a really common plant that grows on Ryloth that will fix that in a second.” Don’t do that, Ezra… “There’s a rare plant that only grows on a planet deep in the heart of Imperial territory, but we’ll get it for you.” “I’ve updated Noisi with more modern medical information, and it turns out they discovered a cure last week. He can give you it now, if you want.” “So, we’ll have to bandage your eyes for about a month, so you’ll be essentially blind for all that time, but after that you’ll be able to see perfectly again, so it’s worth it.”

“What are you thinking about?” Kanan’s voice cut through the daydream, dragging him back to reality.

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

Kanan looked unconvinced. “We need to talk about Hera. If you’re going to tell her while Sabine and Zeb are away…”

“I am,” he told him.

“Then you need to think about the best time. Some time when she’s not busy with something else; I’ll check her schedule to make sure, but I think she’s got some free time tomorrow morning.”

Ezra frowned. “Yeah, wouldn’t want to mess up her schedule,” he muttered sarcastically.

“Actually, I think this is going to mess up a lot more than that,” Kanan said. “I’m just thinking you don’t want to get all fired up to do it and find she’s in a meeting for the rest of the day. I mean, she’d leave if I asked her to, but it’s not ideal.”

Tomorrow morning. It was sooner than he had anticipated. But maybe that was a good thing; get it over and done with. Maybe hold off on breakfast, it wasn’t like he was going to be able to eat anyway. Then afterward, maybe the waffles.

He needed to find the waffles.

Without saying a word, he got to his feet and slunk out of the room.

Kanan let him go without comment.

#little by little #star wars rebels #swr #fanfic #ezra bridger #sabine wren #kanan jarrus #do you think Ezra's gonna find those waffles?#feedback and comments are welcome #and actively encouraged #also thank you to everyone who is reading #something will happen soon I promise!

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murasaki-murasame · 6 years ago

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Now that 2018 is more or less over and done with, I suppose it’s time for me to finally do a write-up for my top five anime of the year that I watched.

This is just gonna be about stuff that I actually managed to finish this year, so I’m gonna pre-emptively give an honorary mention to SSSS. Gridman, Bloom Into You, A Place Further Than The Universe, Liz and the Blue Bird, and Pop Team Epic for being anime that I know I’d love if I actually got around to starting/finishing them.

Anyway, the top five list is gonna be under the cut because this might get kinda long and I don’t wanna force people to witness my Terrible Anime Opinions.

#5: DEVILMAN CRYBABY

Oh boy, this sure is an anime, huh. I still struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that this actually came out this year, given how this year’s been about a decade long. There’s basically no way this one wasn’t going to be on this list. It’s a modern retelling of an 80′s classic that actually does a great job of working itself around the modern political climate, all while being super gorey, sexy, and gay.

The main reason why this isn’t higher is because, frankly, Devilman is the sort of anime that I struggled to have much of an emotional connection to, in spite of how objectively great it is. A lot of this might just be due to how it’s been about a year since I watched it, though. I definitely remember loving a lot of the stuff in the second half, but it didn’t quite balance out the way that the whole first half was kind of forgettable.

I’m glad that Masaaki Yuasa is getting a whole lot of new projects recently, though, and I wish that more adaptations of classics could be as daring and artistically unique as this one was.

#4: PLANET WITH

Even though this is a whole different type of genre compared to Devilman Crybaby, I had a similar reaction to it of having more of an objective respect for it than a subjective enjoyment of it, if that makes sense. Mecha stuff just isn’t really my thing, but this was undeniably fantastic in basically every way, so it deserves to be on this list.

Even though this was only one season long, it felt like it had more content to it than a lot of similar anime can manage to cover in three or four times the length, in a good way. If I had to commend just one aspect of this anime, it’d be that it’s an absolute master-classic in efficient storytelling that makes the utmost use of every single second of it’s run-time. There are a few characters who suffer a bit from having less screen-time and development than I would have liked, but the more broad story arcs and themes were handled almost perfectly.

Honestly, my biggest complaint with this, beyond my vague indifference toward mecha genre stuff in general, would be that I still don’t quite know how to feel about the way that it all ends in a message of forgiveness and hope. It’s probably the most well-written and hard-hitting example of that sort of ending that I’ve seen in a long time, but especially in today’s socio-political climate, I just don’t quite know how I feel about stories that are all about the power of forgiving people who have hurt you. But again, of all the stories I’ve seen with this sort of theme, this handled it the best out of all of them, so this is too minor and subjective of a complaint to be worth knocking it down too much for.

#3: RASCAL DOESN’T DREAM OF BUNNY-GIRL SENPAI

It might surprise people to see that a sorta-kinda-harem Bakemonogatari-lite show about a dude helping a series of girls get over their mental problems would make it onto this list, but it’s worth saying that Bakemonogatari is actually one of my favourite anime ever, so it’s probably not a surprise that this show’s on this list.

It does ultimately suffer a bit from how it really is just a show about a dude helping girls with their issues, and all of the genre baggage that carries along with it, but it’s definitely one of the most well-handled takes on this whole concept. Sometimes it can veer into being TOO quiet and casual, but overall I love how realistic and down to earth it is in discussing and exploring different things. It strikes a nice middle-ground between being too over the top, and too boring.

The strongest part of this as a whole was definitely the central relationship between it’s two main characters, who had an incredibly refreshing amount of communication and openness, while still being moody and imperfect teenagers. But on a more subjective note, the part that hit me the hardest and almost single-handedly ensured that this show would make it’s way into this list was the final arc of the season, and the way it explored it’s core topics of crippling mental health problems, and the complicated nature of recovering from such things.

This probably deserves a post all on it’s own, so I won’t go too deeply into it here, but the final few episodes of this show were some of the most surprisingly realistic and empathetic portrayals of severe agoraphobia and social anxiety that I’ve ever seen in basically anything. It was wonderful. It even managed to use seemingly cookie-cutter ‘little sister character’ tropes to explore how people can cope with their life situations. Most of all, it hit me surprisingly hard how it explored the way that people living with severe mental illness can pretty much develop a whole new identity and life centered around that, and how a central part of recovery can involve having to pretty much discard all those parts of your personality and daily life. It’s an idea that I haven’t really seen any other story explore, but the idea of recovery can become incredibly scary in it’s own right because of that. It can feel like the person you are now, the person living with mental illness, has to be killed in order to make way for the ‘real you’, the version of you who will live a completely different, but healthier life. It’s easy to think that recovery is a wholly good thing, but for the person going through the process, it can create it’s own grief. It means a lot to me that even an anime like this can empathize with and place value on the lives that people with mental illness lead, while acknowledging that it’s not as simple as ‘they’re more healthy now so what’s the problem?’. Seeing Kaede become a completely different person and forget all about who she had been for the last several years was low-key one of the most tragic things I’ve seen in an anime in a long time.

Basically what I’m saying is that we need more anime that have a nuanced and empathetic understanding of mental health. This show might have been kinda wonky in the long run [Nodoka’s arc in particular was just straight-up boring and predictable, and even Kaede’s arc ended on a relatively flat, ‘check out the movie sequel coming out in a few months! :^)’ sorta note], but it struck such a personal chord with me by the end that there’s no way it wasn’t gonna be on this list.

#2: REVUE STARLIGHT

I wasn’t sure where exactly on this list I should put this, since in a lot of ways it was another show that I had more of an objective appreciation for than anything else, but in the end, the sheer aesthetic prowess of this show lead it to being in the number two spot.

I knew from the start that it would at least be a visual and auditory treat, since it has so many inspirations in Ikuhara’s older works, but it still managed to genuinely surprise me with how ambitious and spectacular it was. I still regularly listen to a lot of the revue soundtracks because they’re just that great to listen to.

The actual story was definitely where I struggled to have more of a personal connection to it, although I understand why a lot of people did. It’s a very specific sort of story that’s very specifically about exploring what it’s like to be in the theatre industry, which is so completely outside of my own interests and experiences that I spent most of the anime just observing it’s story from a distance, if that makes sense. But I can definitely say that, as an exploration of the theatre industry, it was amazing, and got into some really interesting ideas.

Especially in it’s mid-season arc, which ended up being so uniquely interesting and surprising that it ended up making the rest of the show look worse in comparison. Sometimes I wish we could have gotten a whole anime about Banana and her whole complicated deal instead of her just having a three-episode arc that had to get fairly hurriedly wrapped up to prepare for the final arc, but oh well. In a lot of ways, this anime had a recurring problem with how it’s side characters and their focus episodes/arcs being WAY more interesting than the main two characters and their overarching journey. I think the last two episodes more or less did a good enough job at selling me on their relationship and what the story was trying to say with them, but ultimately it didn’t quite balance out how basically everything else about the show was even more interesting.

I do really want to rewatch this eventually, though. I think that, given it’s twists and turns and reveals, it might benefit a lot from a rewatch, and I might appreciate it a lot more once I can do so. But for now it’s not quite enough to be in my number one spot, although given the series that actually IS in my number one spot, this can probably be classed as my ‘objective number 1 spot’, out of the anime I actually managed to finish this year.

#1: TOKYO GHOUL :RE

Yeah, this one shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that’s been following me for the last three months or so, lmao. This is one hundred percent subjective and entirely rooted in my own personal, emotional experience both with this adaptation and this franchise as a whole, so I’m probably the only person in the goddamn world who’s going to unironically place this as their Anime Of The Year, but here we are. If Revue Starlight was my ‘objective number one spot’, this is far and away my ‘subjective number one spot’. But honestly I think it’s always worth making that distinction. There’s always a big difference between things that you objectively understand are great, and things that just work perfectly for you as an individual, which is one of the reasons why I don’t entirely like the idea of trying to label just one thing as being ‘your favourite of the year’. But if I had to pick, this is definitely it.

Anyway, all that aside, I don’t really need to get too deeply into this since I’ve already written extensively about this whole adaptation. You can just go through my tokyo ghoul :re tag and find all of that. I did one big post for the first season of :re, and then posts for each episode of the second season. Sometime in the near future I’m probably gonna rewatch the whole thing, so I might do another, more comprehensive post about the whole thing, but we’ll see how that goes.

To be honest, part of my enjoyment of this is definitely rooted in pettiness, since it’s just incredibly vindicating to me that everyone else hated this adaptation so much after I had to suffer through so much bullshit in the manga when that was still going. But the more it went on, the more that any pettiness got weighed out by me just unironically appreciating pretty much everything it does as an adaptation, and how it improves upon the source material. In a perfect world, we’d get an adaptation that’s truly transformative and takes the story in a much different direction, but at that point I’m basically just asking for someone else to write a completely different story that just has similar themes as Tokyo Ghoul, so I can’t exactly fault the :re anime for ultimately following the same trajectory as the manga. But even then, I think it does a genuinely great job at taking the source material and telling a much better version of the same central story. It really went to show how many terrible decisions Ishida made with the manga originally, and how easily avoidable a lot of it’s issues were, even if you still want to tell the same general story.

I’ve talked about this specific element of the anime a lot, but I really can’t overstate how much the anime’s handling of Mutsuki’s character in particular just encapsulates everything I mean about how the whole anime just cuts out like 99% of the unnecessary, offensive bullshit from the manga, and is far better off for it. I have nothing but love for how the anime handled Mutsuki with infinitely more respect than the manga ever did, and gave him a much happier, kinder ending.

As I’ve already said before, I’ve had an incredibly complicated and hate-filled experience with this whole franchise over the last several years, but it’s nice to be able to give it a final send-off with a shockingly pleasant adaptation that fixes a lot of my issues with the manga. I’m much happier about moving on from it all now than I was right after the manga ended.

It’s a kinda weird feeling to have my AOTY be an adaptation of a manga I really truly hate, which just makes me happy that it’s finally over once and for all, but for better or worse I didn’t have anywhere near as much of an intense emotional connection and history with anything else I watched this year, so it’d feel like a lie not to put it at the top of the list.

#murasaki rambles #on the one hand there's lots of clearly great stuff I haven't watched this year but on the OTHER hand hnnng tokyo ghoul :re anime good

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