#and i see myself growing old as someone presenting as a man especially in my career field

[dq1]

ohh im close.to having crazy gender issues again

[mrs-stans]

Meet Sebastian Stan, the actor who plays Donald Trump in The Apprentice

From Gossip Girl to Marvel Studios, to more independent productions: Sebastian Stan's career has been a roller coaster ride. During his visit to the Deauville American Film Festival, Vogue met the actor, who at 42 years old won a Hollywood Rising-Star Award.

BY LOLITA MANG

On October 9, Sebastian Stan will be Donald Trump in The Apprentice. Some know him for his role as Carter Baizen in Gossip Girl. Others, for that of the Winter Soldier in Marvel productions. But recently, the American actor, of Romanian origin, has ventured into more independent fiction, which sheds a new light on his career. At the Deauville American Film Festival, he came to present A Different Man by Aaron Schimberg, in which he plays Edward, a young disabled actor who decides to change his appearance to, he believes at the time, improve his life. On the contrary, this transformation marks the beginning of his fall. An antagonist role such as he has long played on our screens, and which he continues in The Apprentice, presented in May 2024 at the Cannes Film Festival, and directed by filmmaker Ali Abbasi. So many elements that made us want to talk with the 42-year-old actor during his visit to Normandy, where he was awarded the Hollywood Rising-Star Award. As proof of the new direction taken in his career, today considered by the proponents of European cinema, perhaps, let's confess, more snobbish than their American compatriots.

Vogue. Gossip Girl, The Covenant, The Apprentice or even Captain America: The Winter Soldier … Your filmography is full of antagonists!

Sebastian Stan: A lot of things came to me, other roles, I pursued them. What I am certain of is that I never wanted just one type of role. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I refuse the more traditional hero roles, which I also find very interesting, even difficult in some ways. But it's true, I've always been curious about the idea of playing complex characters, full of flaws. Sometimes, they are the antagonists. Often even! What interests me in human nature is the duality. We can be extremely good to each other, as we can become horribly evil. Life is more complex than that, there are not good guys on one side, and bad guys on the other. Each of us is capable of the best as well as the worst. The antagonists, in my films, offered a great potential for acting that I enjoyed exploring.

Even Edward, your character in A Different Man, seems consumed by envy.

Probably the most complicated character I've ever played! But he's still so realistic in so many ways. I was just talking about this: I hope a lot of people get a chance to see this movie because it's really about acceptance and truth. Someone asked me what I think are the most important human characteristics. I said: values, the relationship we have with ourselves, and how we treat others. When I look at younger generations growing up today, especially with social media, people are almost forced to be followers. Fewer and fewer people are brave enough to express their voices in a unique way to fight against conformity. When you look at a character like Edward, you understand that better. We've all lied to ourselves at some point in our lives. We've all wanted things we couldn't have. We've all envied the person next to us. I wouldn't go so far as to say that this film is a fable, but it has this ability to make us look inside ourselves, and ask ourselves: "What makes me different?" Rather than trying to be things that we are not.

For the first time, with A Different Man, you are putting on the producer's shoes. Why?

I found myself much more invested in the film. It was a very unique experience, which I had not anticipated, I must admit. When I met Aaron Schimberg, the director, at the very beginning of the process, we formed a great connection, and we tried to sell the film together here and there. He welcomed me with open arms in this collaboration, included me in all the conversations about the feasibility of the project. For example, I was the one who suggested that he watch the film Julie (in 12 chapters) because I think Renate Reinsve is incredible in it. I was even able to help with the prosthetics that are used in the film, as well as on the shooting. Let's be honest: it was a complicated shoot, to do in a very short time. Only about twenty days. As an actor, I worked harder, I didn't count my hours. As a producer, I helped Aaron Schimberg make the film as he had in mind. I learned a lot from A Different Man, that's for sure.

Does this mean you're going to try it again?

Oh yes! There are several projects that I have my eye on at the moment… But it’s very difficult to make films, which you probably know here in France. A film like A Different Man, honestly, if A24 studios hadn’t intervened, I’m not sure we would have managed to make it. The United States is not like France or the rest of Europe: there is not the same support allocated to the film industry from institutions. There are no dedicated funds, it’s up to you to manage on your own. When you fight for a film, in addition to playing in it as an actor, it’s both exhausting, but terribly rewarding.

It’s a role for which you were awarded a prize at the Berlinale , and tonight, you’re going to receive a Hollywood Rising-Star Award here in Deauville. At 42! That’s joyful!

I know! I'm a 42-year-old emerging actor, I should say that in my speech... The thing with this industry is that you're constantly growing. It's true, I'm 42, but for the first time, I feel like I'm learning very important things, that I wish I had known much earlier! It was a strange year for me, between the Berlinale, the Cannes Film Festival, Deauville ... For my two films, The Apprentice and A Different Man, I felt real support from the European festivals, very prestigious ones at that. It was very special for me who had never experienced that before. And then I have immense respect for European cinema, which for me is synonymous with real work and authenticity. Here, if people don't like the films, they're not afraid to say so! So that my films have been so well received here, it means a lot.

You are European yourself, you grew up between Austria and Romania…

That’s right. I lived in Romania for the first eight years of my life, and then in Vienna for four years. Coming to the United States in the mid-1990s was a turning point in my life. There, I had opportunities that I would never have had in Romania. That’s why I’m so interested in the idea of the American dream, which is reflected in many of my films. A Different Man and The Apprentice both explore it, in their own way. I think the central question of both of those works is: “When is enough enough? How far can we go to get what we want? Why do we always want to win?” Coming from Europe, where the philosophy is almost the opposite of that, helped me in many ways. I don’t know if I would have approached my roles in the same way.

In A Different Man , you don't speak much, but the physicality of the role is evident. How did you work on it?

Luckily, I was there from the beginning of the shoot. Our makeup artist, Michael Marino , who was working multiple shoots at the same time, would put the prosthetics on me very early in the morning. So I had this time before the shoot where I would walk around the streets of New York with this face that is not mine, and see the reactions of the people around me. It was scary, and enriching in many ways. It helped me understand what it meant to live in the shoes of a man like Adam Pearson, because I wouldn't have been able to realize it otherwise. Adam was very honest with me and talked to me a lot about his experiences, which helped me a lot. And then as an actor, I myself live this strange phenomenon of being recognized on the street every day. I don't have a private life. I sometimes feel like I'm some kind of public property: people can film me and do pretty much whatever they want.

Let’s talk a little bit about the Donald Trump you play on The Apprentice . How does one prepare for such a role?

Playing a real person has its pros and cons. The advantage, with people as famous as him, is the amount of archives available. Videos, articles, documentaries… you have plenty to study the character! But there is a problem: you have to find a place to insert yourself, as an actor. A real challenge, which I like to welcome without really knowing if I will succeed. That is part of the problem that faces me! But that is precisely the reason that makes me want to take on this kind of challenge. Telling myself that I can't do something only redoubles my desire to succeed. When you play a completely fictional character like Edward, it is up to you to build his story. How did he get there? That is what I am constantly looking for.

The Apprentice by Ali Abbasi with Sebastian Stan and Jeremy Strong, from October 9, 2024 in theaters.

A Different Man by Aaron Schimberg with Sebastian Stan, Adam Pearson and Renate Reinsve, coming soon.

[deasbanker]

Watching Ghibli film as a sort of Japanese habit for the summertime, so I rent 5 minor movies!

26/7/2024

Every Japanese person should have an experience of watching Ghibli film on TV at least once in its lifetime. Nippon Television（日本テレビ）, or Channel 4 in Japan, has constantly aired Ghibli movies in their night program called Friday road SHOW for more than 25 years. Especially, it tends to broadcast some of them in summer. That's why people who have lived in Japan for so long associate the Studio Ghibli with summer with great ease. Then, I've rented some DVDs as our sort of tradition and I'm expecting that I will be able to make the most of the summertime through this pastime.

＊

"Only Yesterday（おもひでぽろぽろ）" directed by Isao Takahata（1991）

"Only Yesterday" follows a woman called Taeko across two different timelines; the director Takahata did well in expressing visually what is like exploring the gap between someone's past and present in mind by using color contrast as well as a rough background in the past sequence. Then, younger herself shows up around her like she follows and sticks to her everywhere she goes. This double-layered screen in animation can be reflective of a kind of universal phenomenon that memories will always be with you wherever you go.

I, actually, had watched this movie once on TV when I was young and since then, I've remembered the scene about menstruation experienced by girls in/at elementary school; because their experience was so close to mine, and also it used to be rare to see episodes about period in public at that time.

However, for this time, I found myself relating to and gravitating toward other aspects of this movie, which was mostly the present part, such as the procedure of dying with the safflower（Benibana）, life in the countryside, and her introspective attitude to the past. Since I'm now 25, my viewpoint should differ from that of younger myself. In fact, I have a pile of memories to look back at and experiences to recall compared to a child. That is an adult, I've got convinced myself.

Again, this was also about what woman in Japan experiences as a girl/woman（I don't want to separate people by sex or gender, but most of Taeko's experiences seemed to be attributed to her gender）, I assume. Even though her childhood was during the 1980s, or long before I was born and I spent my own childhood, there was no big difference between us. It means that the society has yet to change a lot in term of gender roles, which is sad, indeed.

"Ocean Waves（海がきこえる）" directed by Tomomi Mochizuki（1993）

This is a 60 minute-long film adaptation made by younger artists at the Ghibli Studio and originally aimed for broadcasting but a theater. Nevertheless, I have never seen this on TV since I was born, and now it is only available on DVD and Blu-ray. So, I suppose that it's little known despite the New Media Age.

The story is all about reminiscence, as is "Only Yesterday". A man looked back at his high school days with a transfer girl before the reunion. He tells us about a series of events in the past not only from his viewpoint calmly but also in an objective way; that's why the film managed to show the wonders of meeting and separation on the globe and one theory that love can't always be explained.

I think that "distance" is a theme of this movie. It can help us to put things in perspective, especially we are stuck in something. Growing up, his classmate said that bumping into old familiar faces in another world could lead her to feel so relieved and comfortable that she rejoiced to see even one who she used to dislike. That resonated with me a lot, and I like this scene. Things change, people change, and feelings change. When I was young, I didn't think of such as good, but now I understand to the core.

"My neighbors the Yamadas（ホーホケキョ となりの山田くん）" directed by Isao Takahata（1999）

The Yamadas seems a bit traditional but still be a familiar family structure in Japan, as far as I can see. So, I, in my mid-20s, could deeply relate to many scenes of everyday life in their family and remembered my childhood vividly. Yet, at the same time, I found it a bit stressful for me to see this father behave as the head of a family and embody "patriarchy", although I tried to keep in mind that the movie was released 25 years ago.

Having said that, I liked its character design and its atmosphere which a very delicate touch in illustration and cheerful music by Akiko Yano, who is one of my recent favorite musicians, create very much. As well as that, I appreciate the late Takahata's direction, which always depicts memory or the past well to the point where I'm tearing up; for instance, this stripped down paintings, I mean its faint touch can feel like reminiscence. How nostalgic it is!

＊

I've rented two more DVDs: "ジブリの本棚"（Hayao's large book list）, a documentary film, and "Studio Ghibli short film collection（from 1993 to 2016）".

The former is all about worldwide children books, especially from the series of Iwanami Children books（岩波少年文庫）curated by a publisher Iwanami, and what Hayao Miyazaki as a creator had been inspired by. Then, he introduced some of the books on his list in detail and told anecdotes about behind the scenes of some films he made or his apprentice days in relation to children books. I liked this documentary in that director Miyazaki talked a lot enjoying himself and looked more interested than I've ever watched.

As for the latter, it was mostly dedicated to TV commercials made by the Ghibli Studio, but there was also a piece of art above named "On Your Mark" directed by Hayao Miyazaki, which was originally made as a music video with a storyline for its song by the J-POP duo CHAGE and ASKA. The story is that an angel is helped to escape from the authorities by two male officers set in the near future. It has a cyberpunk vibe, but somewhere peaceful in nature seemed like an ideal destination in this short film, which Miyazaki should like. Yet, personally, I'm not a fan of those kinds of stories, besides the song and its character design. He tends to depict young women as vulnerable and being rescued by men in the end, although they surely appear to have opinions, be confident, and independent.

[lesbiansoncaffiene]

Regaining my queerness; some thoughts

I spent the last 6 months being a straight, cis man’s girlfriend.

Which frankly is something I never thought I’d say after my freshman year of high school.

I identified as lesbian for 4 whole years before I ever looked at him any differently. I thought my lesbian-ness was set in stone. I thought my understanding of myself was complete at the age of 14.

For many people, those of us who are raised as women specifically, this is the expectation. To have our whole lives figured out so we can accommodate to those around us, especially the ones raised as men, as they are allowed to take their time, make mistakes, and change their mind as they grow well into adulthood. Not that this is necessarily their fault, but it is the societal expectation. Once someone AFAB hits their teenage years, they should have it figured out. Once they hit their teenage years, they are expected to remain mostly the same.

This is simply not the case, although I believed it at the time.

I am not saying all people who identify as lesbian will eventually reevaluate. Far from it. I admire those who have known their identity from an early age. I am in awe of lesbianism, of the culture it has, of the pure beauty of a diverse sense of womanhood and acceptance and love it represents. That’s why I was reluctant for so long to question it.

I was raised Catholic, and thought that my attraction to men was simply comphet, something I wanted to have but didn’t. And for many years I was comfortable with this idea. And for many people who identify as lesbian, this is their truth.

It was not mine, however. So when I began to look at a man as someone I could spend the rest of my life with in a romantic way, I panicked.

Like I said, I had identified one way for so long. I didn’t want to play into the trope that ‘all lesbians are actually attracted to men deep down’ or ‘we’re all a little bisexual’. So I resisted, and once I couldn’t anymore, I kept it very quiet.

Eventually, we started dating, and I barely had time to come to terms with being bisexual and this whole new identity before I upended my life to move 400 miles away from him and my family and my support system for college. And it was hard. So many life changes were going on at once and I couldn’t even begin to sort through all of it.

I was scared. But I loved him, and I began going to therapy again, and for a while it was fine if I didn’t think about it too much.

But every time I came home, I became his long distance girlfriend. I felt my queerness was completely stripped from me, every part of it. The bisexuality erased because I was dating a man. The transness erased because I am heavily feminine presenting. The asexuality erased because we were having sex and I am working through a lot of childhood sexual trauma.

It wasn’t bad, but it was a bit… isolating. Like I was a million miles away from the queer community I had belonged to for so long. I did not realize this until after we broke up, though.

He ended things because he didn’t see our goals aligning in the future. And it shattered me. Me, who a year ago was a very vocal man hating lesbian, was now crying in my parents guest room because I had fallen in love with a man and he had broken my heart.

A typical 18-year-old girl experience. But I am not just an 18 year old girl. I’m not even a girl, really. I have lived through foster care and all kinds of abuse and endured much more than most people my age, yet heartbreak and loneliness and a missing sense of belonging still plagued me after the breakup. They still plague me now.

One of the things I am doing to heal is to figure out how my queerness fits into the life I live now, one so completely different from the one it used to fit into when I was in high school. I’m not even sure what that looks like, to be honest.

But to start, I am dressing more masc, more sweatpants and big sweatshirts now that it’s colder where I live.

I am listening to more gay pop, MUNA and Chappell Roan now dominating my playlists.

I am working out, channeling my energy into building up my strength and mobility and looking hot and strong while doing it. One of my favorite parts of it is dressing in oversized T-shirts to go to the gym one day and then in a cute little workout set to go to the gym the next day.

I am wearing my binder again.

I have a bisexual flag up in my room, and every day I look at it and feel the settling in my chest of something feeling right, that label making sense for me and what I know about myself right now, and becoming more accepting of myself as the days go by.

I am learning more about bisexual culture. My roommate is also bisexual and we have a blast comparing our experiences being bi.

It’s not like I couldn’t be myself with him. If I’m honest, he loved every part of me in a way I have never been loved before, even if he didn’t fully understand it. He very much tried to. He asked questions, helped me sound out answers when I couldn’t explain something, and trusted me to know myself and explain it to him when I felt I was ready. And that is something so very special.

But I was separated from a community I had loved for so long. And now I am finding my way back, one gay joke at a time. Amongst all the heartbreak, I am finding a space for all parts of me, broken and healing and otherwise.

And I think that’s the beauty of queerness, always always always finding somewhere to belong, even as what you know about yourself changes over time.

[vinceleemiller]

Aging Spiritual Leadership | 1 Samuel 2:31-35

You never age out of spiritual leadership.

Welcome to the Daily Devo. I am Vince Miller.

This week, we are immersing ourselves in 1 Samuel 2. Chapter 2 contrasts two families—one who stands with God and one in defiance. Today I am reading verses 18-21:

Now Eli was very old, and he kept hearing all that his sons were doing to all Israel, and how they lay with the women who were serving at the entrance to the tent of meeting. And he said to them, “Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all these people. No, my sons; it is no good report that I hear the people of the Lord spreading abroad. If someone sins against a man, God will mediate for him, but if someone sins against the Lord, who can intercede for him?” But they would not listen to the voice of their father, for it was the will of the Lord to put them to death. Now the boy Samuel continued to grow both in stature and in favor with the Lord and also with man. — 1 Samuel 2:22-26

Then, jumping down to verses 31-35, a man of God comes to Eli and delivers a message from God.

Behold, the days are coming when I will cut off your strength and the strength of your father's house, so that there will not be an old man in your house. Then in distress you will look with envious eye on all the prosperity that shall be bestowed on Israel, and there shall not be an old man in your house forever. The only one of you whom I shall not cut off from my altar shall be spared to weep his eyes out to grieve his heart, and all the descendants of your house shall die by the sword of men. And this that shall come upon your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, shall be the sign to you: both of them shall die on the same day. And I will raise up for myself a faithful priest, who shall do according to what is in my heart and in my mind. And I will build him a sure house, and he shall go in and out before my anointed forever. — 1 Samuel 2:31-35

An Old Spiritual Leader

There are some interesting details in both of these texts.

Eli was very old. In fact, according to 1 Samuel 4:15, he was 98 years old. This suggests that he may have been out of touch with what was happening with his sons and their spiritual leadership. However, he eventually learned about their involvement in two forms of serious corruption.

Using their power and position for personal gain.

Using their power and position for sexual exploits.

What you have are two boys who feel entitled and have become especially egregious in their behavior. But what makes these sins egregious is that they interfere with God's sacrifices and in his house, and the boys just simply don't care. Then Eli's "why" is as close as he gets to calling them to repentance. He approaches them like a helpless old man and father who has washed his hands of them. In addition, we know the boys are going to dismiss his extremely soft interrogation.

An Indictment

The most startling part of this text and chapter is the indictment by God in verse 25:

"for it was the will of the Lord to put them to death."

The boys had gone too far. Most of us reading this text don't like to hear this. But it's a serious mistake to assume that these boys and their stubborn, entitled, sacrilegious, and hard hearts should be blamed on God. The hardness of their hearts was their choice, and thus, we see God's judgment for that choice. And given what I read here, Eli should have been a little more engaged in guiding them to repentance.

However, what is particularly interesting about this whole situation is that we never get the impression that Eli was a wicked priest. On the surface, he seems to be presented as a fairly "good" guy, but the way he deals with his sons and stewards the house of the Lord at the end of his life is not good. He is simply too old and lacks the fortitude to deal with his son's wicked conduct, which is not good.

But when one father fails to do his job, another takes over. God, the Father of his nation, inserts himself where Eli fails to lead.

An Ageless Responsibility

This is an important message for fathers, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers. The spiritual leadership of your family never ends. There is no time in your life when you age out or retire from giving your family spiritual correction and guidance. You cannot simply wash your hands of giving needed spiritual correction and direction. Sometimes, you need to muster some fortitude and call your family to repentance because you love them. It's not loving as a father to let them face judgment from the Heavenly Father.

So, what sins do you need to address in your family, and how are you going to do it?

#SpiritualLeadership #FamilyFaith #LegacyofFaith

Ask This:

How can you emulate Eli's initial concern and engagement with your family's spiritual well-being, despite any challenges or discomfort it may entail?

Reflecting on the consequences of Eli's passive approach, how can you actively cultivate a culture of repentance and spiritual growth within your family, fostering open dialogue and accountability?

Do This:

Never stop leading.

Pray This:

Heavenly Father, grant me the wisdom and courage to lead my family in the paths of righteousness, never shrinking from the responsibility to guide them closer to You. Help me to embody Your steadfast love and discipline, nurturing a home filled with grace, repentance, and growth in faith. Amen.

Play This:

Confidence.

Check out this episode!

[sparethcsympathy]

❛ don’t shut me out like this. ❜ / jack

memes that gotta go || @w1dowed

" I'm not- " AS HE SPOKE, A DEEP FRUSTRATION was evident in his voice. He realized the anger in his tone and stopped abruptly, taking in a deep breath and shutting his eyes tightly for a moment. He counted to ten, trying to control his temper, as he had read in a book before. It may seem cliched, but this technique helped him to calm down, somewhat. Gradually, he felt his heart rate slow, and the ANGER THAT HAD BEEN SIMMERING INSIDE him began to subside. After a while, he opened his eyes and turned to face his mother, his features softening as he spoke again, this time without any hint of rage. He tried to explain himself to her, "I'm not shutting you out, Mom. It's just that I did something, and I don't know how to deal with it."

JACK WAS GROWING UP IN A WORLD that was much different from the one his parents had grown up in. He was still a teenager, but he knew that he couldn't just live a normal life anymore. He had heard stories from Tilly, and his parents, especially his dad, about how the world used to be before everything changed. Jack had even found some books that talked about the joy of the old world versus the harsh reality of the present day. Despite being bored at times, reading those books helped him to understand how different things were back then.

THE DEAD still wanders the earth, changes have yet to be made, no cure, no sign of walkers going extinct... just same ol same ol. Would life ever go back to the old ways.. and if it did, would any of them even know how to live in the old world ? Would his mom or dad ? Would Tilly ? As he sits up, he GLANCES DOWN at his open palms before clenching them tight. His nails dig harshly into his palms as his lips press together, his mind racing with thoughts and emotions. Suddenly, he feels a desperate need to FEEL SOMETHING GOOD, SOMETHING SWEET, something that will remind him that despite the horrors of this new world, there is still love and comfort to be found in the arms of his mother. He runs up to her, wrapping his arms around her tightly, FEELING SAFE AND AT HOME. Maybe this is why his dad always found comfort in holding his mom, because it made everything better.

" I-- killed someone. " Barley a whisper as he spoke against her, pulling back just enough to lock eyes with her. " -- I was out... practicing's my aim. I know I should have told you guys, but i didn't because I-- I don't know, I just wanted to see if can do it all by myself without you or dad.... without Tilly or Alden hovering over me. And also I know you guys are busy, and I didn't want to be a bother. So I went off on my own. I didn't think it would be a big deal--- until I heard someone coming up behind me and, " Taking him down without giving Jack a chance to turn and see the stranger. He doesn't have to mention how he got in a fight with this man, the two of them wrestling for the gun in Jack's hand. The bruise underneath his eye tells that part of the story well.

" --We fought, he was bigger than me... but.... the spare knife is was what helped me gain the upper hand... I stabbed him in the neck while he was busy... " Choking him, but he doesn't say, just touches his neck lightly, wincing at the pain. He must look fucking stupid and can't even look his mother in the eyes as he spoke of what had went down. " I'm sorry... I just... I was just protecting myself... I-- he didn't give me a choice he was trying to kill me ! So I.... killed him first. I- are you mad at me ? " He dosen't give the full story of it all, it's just a summary. Can't get the image of the guys life leaving his eyes when JACK THRUSTED THE KNIFE INTO THE MAN'S THROAT, BLOOD SPILLING OUT without anyway to stop it. He pulled it out, had kicked the stranger off of him, watching as the older mean reached a hand out, gasping for air, trying to speak but no words just gurgling. Jack eyes widen, and it hits him--- wonders if he had a family to go back home to ? Why couldn't he just ask for the gun instead of trying to kill Jack for the weapon ? He killed walkers before but not another living being. And it was just.... a lot to take in.

[riverdamien]

Sloughing Towards Galilee

The Practice of the Cross--The Cross As A Stake!

"For the message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God (I Corinthians 1:18).

The fence outside of Laramie, Wyoming, where 21-year-old Matthew Shepard, beaten, battered, and bleeding was left to die.

East of Wyoming, I Remember Matthew Shepard

Ruben Quesada

The night my father died, I sat on a stool 

          at the Buckhorn, gazing                      out the window’s cool counter seat.  Like a funhouse mirror, you appeared.            I have a familiar-looking face; my father used to say—                      his wish for me to blend in.  Late after an argument, I fled            and was found bound to a prairie fence                       after eighteen hours. My body is like a sock in the wind            in a field just a mile from here.                       My face blooms, velvety  and light like a lamb’s ear,            stachys byzantina; my ears                       frozen with blood; down  my neck, it goes. A medley of ants shuffles            away. My body is rich with the sour smell                       of urine on my head like a crown of daffodils. 

=======================

(All names are Pseuydonym names)

Today we look at the Cross as a Stake I am reminded of the stakes my grandfather would make for his garden. They were pointed and if you were not careful could be hurt. I remember a time I fell on one, and bled a lot.

The word for a stake in the New Testament Greek is simply translated as stauros meaning an upright stake, especially a pointed one. This is the bleakest image of the cross has been presented.

I remember a young, nine-teen-year-old Hispanic man, beaten to a pulp, dying for being gay.

He died near his home in the Mission. As I sat with him, waiting for an ambulance, getting his blood on myself, I thought of the "Stake". Like Matthew Shepherd, he died on the "Stake", the "Cross" for who he was.

Jake thought he was safe in San Francisco, but the truth is we are never safe. As I sat with his body I felt the pain of my rejections, hurts, and of people frankly being cruel.

And so as we enter the first week of Lent I mourn Jake, emotionally and in pain deep within myself.

There is only one answer and it is found in The Stations of the Cross--I am holding on to them, with my whole heart now, and invite you to meditate with me in the coming weeks.

Tenderloin Stations of the Cross

“Our Journey With Our Brothers and Sisters

Who Lives on the Street

“Our Hauntedness!”

“The street transforms every ordinary day into a series of quick questions and every incorrect answer risks a breakdown, shooting, or pregnancy. “Ta Nehie Contes

                                       March 31, 2024

Noon

Meet In Front of City Hall

Sponsored By: Temenos Catholic Worker and Society of

Society of Franciscan Workers

30th Anniversary of Temenos Catholic Worker

22nd. Anniversary of Stations of the Cross

The Stations of the Cross

Introduction

People, who live on the streets, the homeless, have haunted me all of my life. From the time I was six years old, driving late night through Sequoia National Park, seeing an old homeless woman walking up the road, and when I was seven walking across the street with a homeless person begging for money. They continue to haunt me as I walk out my door and see someone begging or mentally ill, out of their mind. They tear at my heart!

Haunting is the relentless remembering and continuing reminding that will not be appeased by the propaganda of assistance and care or the promises of our city, state, and national Governments that all will be well. In over twenty years in San Francisco, we have seen the problem grow immensely, with tons of money being spent.

Haunting is both acute and generally haunted, but that haunting comes from the haunting of society. The

United States is permanently haunted by the homeless, its massive population of poor, and the violence intertwined in its past, present, and future days.

Haunting’s aim is to wrong the wrongs, a confirmation that the rich and middle class hope to evade.

On Good Friday the cross calls us to look at its “backside”, the side that points us seeing the homeless from their perspective, not one of judgment, but one of love, and to work to end homelessness.

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1. Jesus is Condemned to Death by Pilate!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross, you have redeemed the world.

How many others have heard the state bureaucrat say, “We cannot tolerate you. We cannot help you. The world will be a better place without you. You must die.”

What goes through the mind of the victim when he or she hears, “You are to be executed!” Over the centuries many who have claimed to be followers of Jesus have stood with the historical “community of executioners”—kings, presidents, governors, judges, soldiers, police, wardens, and hangmen. Jesus himself stood with the historical “community of the executed.” He did not stand with those who say, “You must die.” He stood alongside those who were told, “You must die.”

Capital punishment is not what Jesus taught. It is what he suffered. But, Pilate washes his hands and says, “I am not responsible.” The scientist who makes a part of the instrument that when discharged sends hundreds and  thousands to a fiery death says, “I am not responsible.” Christians in the Third World are beaten into oppression, while Christians in the First World live off the fruits of that oppression and say, “I am not responsible.”

The affluent Christian who spends thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours a year on sports, alcohol, fashions, drugs, and entertainment says to the billions of people caught in the unrelieved miseries of poverty, hunger, disease, and injustice, “I am not responsible.”

The poor, and non-white suffer the punishment of execution, suffer violence from the police, more than whites. Our society is not non-violent, but hungry for violence and death! The mentally ill are beaten every day!

We like  Pilate wash our hands as the suffering Christ is condemned to death.

2. Jesus Bears His Cross!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

The cross is the symbol and the reality of nonviolent love, of suffering love, of voluntary postponement of gratification on behalf of others, of hurt endured to serve, to forgive—to be merciful. The bearing of the physical cross is just the final moment in an existence that has chosen to serve others rather than indulge itself. The cross of nonviolent love is not an isolated instant. It is a free choice of a radically different verbal pattern, thought pattern, emotional pattern, and behavior pattern. That is, it is the free choice of a radically different reality orientation and self-understanding. When we sign ourselves with the sign of the cross, we are symbolically saying to ourselves, to the world, and to God that we choose to pick up Christ’s cross and follow his way, that we choose, as he did, to bear the cross of nonviolent love unto death. We choose to walk in non-violence with our brothers and sisters on the street!

3. Jesus Falls the First Time!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross, you have redeemed the world.

To fall under the abnormal burden of the cross of nonviolent love is painful. For the person who wants to love, who believes in forgiveness, who desires to serve, who wishes to reconcile, who is committed to patience, kindness, meekness and mercy—for this person to fail hurts and hurts deeply. Fatigue, ignorance, fear, selfishness, false securities, prior nurturing, self-righteousness,

escapism, and idolatry all stand always ready to trip up, to knock down the bearer of the cross of nonviolent love.

But Jesus teaches that when, for whatever reason, we fall under the humanly impossible burden of the cross of nonviolent love, our task is not to give up, stay down, walk away or change direction. Our task is to get up and to continue in the Spirit of Christ our journey to Calvary—our pilgrimage to the Absolute.

4. Jesus Meets his Mother!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

How many times have we said to ourselves or heard others say: “I would like to be more faithful to Jesus’ teaching of nonviolent love? I would like to respond more fully to suffering humanity. I do not want to be irresponsible and ignore or participate in homicide, causing homelessness, and pain for those around me.  But, what about my family?—my children?—my wife?—my husband?—my parents? It would not be fair to them.”

To what extent has the Christian family become one of the primary obstacles to living a faithful Christian life? Jesus foresaw this possibility and explicitly warned that the faithful following of God’s will as revealed by Him could cause hardships within families. He also said that this was not a legitimate excuse for not being a disciple of Jesus.

The early martyrs had to walk with their children into the Colosseum. They had to look into the eyes of their little boys and girls as they all waited to be disemboweled by starving beasts or torched by obedient soldiers.

When Jesus’ eyes met His mother’s eyes on His way to execution, did He and His mother not experience the unbearable distress of the “Crucified Colosseum Family”? Is the “Crucified Colosseum Family” is only a relic or is it a permanent condition in the life of the Church as long as the Beast of Power and Profit roams the earth?

If the “Crucified Colosseum Family” does not exist today, does that mean the Beast has been pacified, harnessed, or extinguished?

Do not all political and economic tyrants of all ages try to use the family to control the adult population? Can Christian family love and relationship find any lasting security in any source other than unconditional obedience to God’s will as revealed by Jesus Christ? Could Jesus have found any lasting life with Mary outside the cross of nonviolent love? Is the Beast interested in preserving and protecting the family or is it interested in manipulating it to satisfy its diabolical appetites? Is the Beast of Power and Profits not present as a cause of homelessness?

5. Jesus is Helped by Simon!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

How often do we fail to love those who are loving others, to help those who are helping others? How often do we fail to walk with those who work with the homeless? How often do we fail to even consider that those who have chosen the long loneliness of the cross of nonviolent love are not supermen or wonder women but people subject to the same human limitations and frailties that we are.

To help carry each other’s cross of nonviolent love is part of the purpose of the Christian community, the community of peace.

 To love without condition is hard. To serve without desiring reciprocation is hard. To suffer without desiring retaliation is hard. To reconcile without desiring domination is hard. To serve without suffering burn out is hard? How many of our brothers and sisters have grown weary and fallen under the harsh and dreadful weight of the cross of nonviolent love not because we failed to be heroically Christ-like but simply because we were not Simon, carrying our cross for a time in our relations with them?

6. Veronica Wipes the Face of Jesus!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

The poet says, “I am a part of all I have met.” For good or ill, I leave my image on all who, by whatever means, enter into my history. What image is it that the disciple should want to imprint on the consciousness of others?

We should never wish to leave the impression of a someone who desires clout, the good life, class, style, the quick fix, the quick trigger, the quick buck, the easy life, or “gusto” without end.

Rather, we should, as a follower of Jesus, desire to leave the impression of one who is always merciful, patient, and kind, who is never resentful or rude, who does not take offense, who is never jealous, conceited, or selfish, who is always willing to excuse, to trust, to serve, to forgive, and to endure whatever comes. The poet says, “I am a part of all I have met.”

When we help a suffering human being, it is not that person who should be grateful to us, it is we who should be grateful to them. Christ teaches that to serve suffering humanity is to encounter Him in the victims, the oppressed, the deformed, the paralyzed, and the bewildered. In serving them we encounter the sacramental presence of Jesus. The blood, the sweat, the vomit, and the tears that the suffering leaves on our handkerchiefs are the image of Christ’s suffering that Veronica received on her towel.

When we receive the blood, sweat and tears of homeless people in the same way we receive Christ.

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7. Jesus Falls a Second Time!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

Down again! Is it possible to overemphasize how foreign nonviolent love is to the consciousness nurtured through the formal institutions (schools, family, government, corporations, military, etc.) and the informal institutions (T.V., videos, CDs, DVDs, movies, internet,

iPods, newspapers, magazines, books, Kindle, peer pressure) of capitalism?

A mind that has been bombarded since childhood with notions like “the world would be a better place if everyone just follows their selfish interest” or “grabbing as much as can while giving as little as you have to is what life is all about,” becomesa mindset to which the cross of nonviolent love seems nonsense.

Who can stand against this knowing it leads to crucifixion?

It is easy to find hope, security, and a future in the G.D.P., a national anthem, a football team, military technology, Disneyland, drugs, fashion, and alcohol.

We will fall over and over again, but Jesus will pick us up! We need to follow him on the journey!

8. Jesus Speaks to the Women

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

How often have we been told, how often have we told ourselves, “nonviolent love does not work”?

In a world struggling under militaristic, bureaucratic, and technological oppression, what reason is there in suggesting that the road of nonviolent love is a road to anything but total failure and permanent insignificance.

As Jesus, brutally beaten in body and forced to carry the instrument of his own execution to the Calvary, looked at the women, what did he see in their eyes? Disbelief? Sadness? Confusion? DespDespair?Horror?   Desolation?

Through his eyes did he see his love for them and all who follow him non-violently, walking with the disenfranchised!

9. Jesus Falls a Third Time

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you. R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

Did Jesus fall only three times or was it in reality four ten or twenty? How often each day do I feel crushed under the weight of the cross of nonviolent love? How often do I want to walk away from the cross of non-violent love? How often do I turn my eyes on a person on the street? How often do I walk by someone in need?

10. Jesus is Stripped of His Garments!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you. R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

There was nothing tasteful or tactful about Jesus’ crucifixion. He was beaten brutally and stripped naked as billions of other oppressed people have been over the centuries and are being today. He was naked as many are on our streets. The vested powers of this world

always strip naked those they wish to control, humiliate,   and destroy, for if clothes make the person, then the absence of clothes means that the “thing” before them is a sub-human non-person.

To hide from the Christ stripped of his garments, which we see every day,  is to hide from the reality of the cross of nonviolent love and to continue to strip Jesus!

11. Jesus is Nailed to the Cross!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross, you have redeemed the world.

To choose the cross of nonviolent love is to freely choose to remain nailed to it until that day when the last person who has been crucified by the powers of this world has their nails permanently removed.

Gandhi said: “If I have to be reborn, I wish to be born an untouchable so that I may share their sorrows, sufferings, and the affronts leveled at them in order that I may endeavor to free myself and them from that misery."

12. Jesus Dies on the Cross!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you. R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

The death rattles, the open eyes, the limp, heavy, breathless body—this is how it ends. Christ dies!

In each homeless person, in each gang member, in each aged person, in each migrant, Jesus dies as the violence of our political and justice systems roll over them. They die by being judged by their color, and economic standing. Violence from all sides is Jesus dying.

13. Jesus is Taken from the Cross!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you. R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

Viewing the mutilated body of Jesus is the most grief-ridden experience of human existence. It is

 evidence that evil rules. It is evidence that violence rules and is used to control all of us.

Seeing the broken body of Christ is evidence that non-violent love is dead!

 14. Jesus is Laid in the Sepulcher!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you. R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

The dead body of Christ is a stark statement that a life of non-violent love is not the way to overcome violence, injustice, evil, and death. Or is it?

15. Jesus is Raised from the Dead!

V. We adore you O Christ and we praise you.

R. Because by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world.

“You are looking for Jesus of Nazareth who was crucified. He is not here, He is risen!”

His triumph is ours as well. On Easter Sunday, and the many other Easter Sundays of our lives, we rise above our failures, our burdens, and our struggles, and we too emerge victorious. Throughout our own Good Fridays, the risen Lord is by our side, pledging that we too, will rise again, and enter his reign on earth moving into eternity.

Through the years I have found that the majority of youth and adults on the street have poor experiences with Christians. Christians are the unseen, and churches lock their doors to our brothers and sisters who are homeless. Many work to remove them from our streets.

As we enter the new life of Easter let us remember the words of Jesus, and ask ourselves do we honor his commands:

Matthew 25: 26-46

31. 'When the Son of man comes in his glory, escorted by all the angels, then he will take his seat on his throne of glory.

32. All nations will be assembled before him and he will separate people one from another as the shepherd separates sheep from goats.

33. He will place the sheep on his right hand and the goats on his left.

34. Then the King will say to those on his right hand, "Come, you whom my Father has blessed, take as your heritage the kingdom prepared for you since the foundation of the world.

35. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you made me welcome,

36. lacking clothes and you clothed me, sick and you visited me, in prison and you came to see me."

37. Then the upright will say to him in reply, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?

38. When did we see you a stranger and make you welcome, lacking clothes and clothe you?

39. When did we find you sick or in prison and go to see you?"

40. And the King will answer, "In truth I tell you, in so far as you did this to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me."

41. Then he will say to those on his left hand, "Go away from me, with your curse upon you, to the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.

42. For I was hungry and you never gave me food, I was thirsty and you never gave me anything to drink,

43. I was a stranger and you never made me welcome, lacking clothes and you never clothed me, sick and in prison and you never visited me."

44. Then it will be their turn to ask, "Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty, a stranger or lacking clothes, sick or in prison, and did not come to your help?"

45. Then he will answer, "In truth I tell you, in so far as you neglected to do this to one of the least of these, you neglected to do it to me."

46. And they will go away to eternal punishment, and the upright to eternal life.'Amen! Deo Gratias!

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(This year the route will be much shorter, and we will not give out food, if you would like to volunteer or email.)

Thirtieth Anniversary Celebration

October 5, 2024

6:00 p.m.

Victor's Piazza pm Polk

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Fr. River Damien Sims, sfw, D.Min., D.S.T.

P.O. Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

www.temenos.org

snap chat: riodamien2

415-305-2124

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We will be having our Annual Good Friday Remembrance of The Haunting!" on Good Friday, March 8, 2024 beginning at 11:30 a.m. If you would like to participate by reading one of the Stations please let me know!

[cafalla]

"You're a Young Lady Now" (1961) Booklet Scans

I’ve got another oldie for this next post. This time it’s a booklet by Kotex from 1961. Yes, Kotex as in Kotex menstrual pads and tampons. 

Or rather, in this instance, it’s Kotex as in Kotex sanitary napkins and belts. That’s what the cool menstruating girls used to wear.

This booklet is titled “You’re a Young Lady Now”.

And now I’m having flashbacks to being twelve years old, horribly cramping on the toilet with my first period, while my mom says this same phrase to me through the door.

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I’ve always found puberty media and information to be interesting. Thankfully, I had my mother and Alabama public school sexual education courses to explain it all to me. 

...

I’m joking about the latter, because I’m sure you can imagine what public school sexual education was like in Alabama in the mid 2000s. 

I'm being for real about my mom though. She supplied me with books and DVDs about puberty, and was always available to answer any questions I had.

She told me that she wished her mom informed her about periods. When my mom got her first period, she freaked out and thought she was literally dying. I do thank her for not making me go through that same torture.

Now that I’m an adult and do not have to go through puberty, I think it’s interesting to look back on the messages conveyed to us about puberty. Especially back when it was even more taboo to talk about periods and puberty in general.

So this booklet was quite an interesting look into the past.

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Here is the opening page of the booklet, with a letter from an educational director.

I don’t agree with the idea of putting the weight of having a period “changing you into a woman” onto little girls. I think it’s just another way to force girls to feel like they have to “be mature” when they are still in their childhood/growing years.

It’s so tough going through so many physical, emotional, and mental changes while being expected to be a “prim and proper young lady” at all times. Ick.

Unfortunately, the idea of permanently changing into a “young lady” is prevalent in the booklet, but that’s to be expected given the title and the time period this was published in.

I knew what I was getting into, I won’t fault it too much for that.

There is admittedly a bit of old school charm to it for me, even if I don’t agree with this aspect of the text.

I also really love the artwork throughout this booklet. The line drawings are so lovely and unique. I'll show more of those at the end of the post.

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I wanted to point out the first paragraph of this page.

I was quite shocked to read that the book acknowledges that you should learn the correct terminology, as opposed to tip-toeing around with fluffy nicknames.

That’s exactly what I’ve seen some people advocating for now with sex education - that we should teach children the proper names of body parts and body processes, so that they have the knowledge to accurately describe themselves and the changes they are experiencing.

However, in the last sentence of the next paragraph down, it loses me. As does the first paragraph of the following page.

Ah, back to the days where it was expected all girls would grow up, get married (to a man, of course), and have children. And to never, EVER, talk about your period with someone who isn't a woman.

What if you don't have a mother or other trusted adult woman in your life? Well find one, as this is a LADIES ONLY topic that men CANNOT be privy to.

Snark aside, I do get it. It's hard being a young girl, and honestly when I was first dealing with this stuff myself, a man would be the last person I'd want to talk to about it.

And this isn't even touching on the fact that not all girls get periods.

I promise, I will not harp on about these time period and cultural differences, but it is interesting to see how blatantly some ideas are presented. Or the things and resources all girls are assumed to have.

The period science explanation text seems informational and all right, though!

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The booklet’s next section is about how to wear and clean your sanitary napkin and belt. I remember seeing a lot of older media regarding “napkins” and “belts” and being terrified of having to wear them when I started my period. 

Thankfully, I got my period in the 21st century, so we had upgraded from belts and napkins to sticky pads with wings. So much easier.

The booklet then goes on to basically discuss PMS, without calling it PMS.

I think the book could have been kinder here. They could have explained that the severity of period symptoms vary from girl to girl, rather than blame developing girls who are in pain, upset, and lashing out as “rude”, “mean”, and “hard to live with”. 

The phrasing of this section very much implies not to be that kind of girl when on your period, and to stop being so self-absorbed.

I feel like it's hard not to be self centered when you are experiencing your first year or so of having a period.

Just saying, I worked myself up into a "dither" plenty of times during that period (lol) of my life.

Pre-teens and teenagers are just like that, period having or not.

Again…I know this is information from its time. I’m sure updated material is not so flippant about this. I just wanted to talk about it.

At least the book is kinder on the next page. It tells us that periods are normal, and there is room to learn to cope with being on your period.

I know as a girl, I felt like I would never be able to go through life experiencing a period every month.

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The book then discusses hygiene practices. Shower often, change your napkins often, wear clean clothes, get lots of sleep, rest when you need to, etc. 

And I like the message of not letting being on your period hold you back from the activities you want to do while still being conscientious about your health. I know I’m prone to becoming dehydrated while on my period…I imagine most people are since you are losing blood.

I’m not going to even fault them for the “Just looking neat and pretty will help you feel better” line.

Because honestly? They’re right to some extent. 

I know I feel better on my period when I take the time to clean myself up and get “presentable”.

Do I think that’s a hard and fast rule for everyone? Of course not, I have plenty of period days where I am an unshowered bed goblin.

But I won’t deny that those are the days I tend to feel worse than usual.

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The next couple of pages basically say to have good posture and eat your fruits and veggies. Pretty typical stuff.

There is then some information on how to dispose of your used napkins, and some advertisements and diagrams for how to use Kotex napkins and belts.

Remember, this is a Kotex sponsored booklet. So some advertising is to be expected.

All I'm gonna say is I'm so glad these belts aren't still a thing.

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I wanted to show off this glossary of words in the back of the booklet.

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure why urinate, urine, and tissue are on this list. None of these words were mentioned or alluded to in this booklet. 

I think tissue would’ve been important to touch base on, as sometimes clumps pass during menstruation and can be rather shocking, but it wasn’t mentioned or explained at all other than here in the glossary. Missed opportunity.

I can only assume urine and urinate are on here because you go to the bathroom when on your period…that’s the only reason I can think of as to why they are relevant. 

And here is the last page of the booklet: the Kotex period tracker calendar!

For all your July 1964 - December 1965 needs!

Too bad this serves no use to us now!

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Lastly, here’s a compilation of the notable artwork in this book, just because I love it. I’ll probably repeat some of the art seen in the previous pages, but I've edited them all to give the art more focus without the text.

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As always, you can view the full booklet on my Internet Archive account.

Thanks for reading!

[bdbsvirtualjournal]

A Presentation - 15/10/2023

For the possibility that someone will stumble upon my page, I want to write a short presentation or bio for the potential stranger, but also for me too since I never actually wrote about me. Or discuss me in any way outside my mind.

So, I'm B. , I'm 21 years old at the making of this page, and I live in Timisoara. I've always lived here and I actually really love my city. I don't really plan to move from here, definitely at least. It is a big city, but with a low density so it gives small towns vibes sometimes. It is like a compromise between the stability of small communities but it also has the opportunities for a good career. I am studying Telecommunications here at the Polytechnic University. Even though the field itself is nice and in the 3rd year the courses seem more interesting to me, I can't say that I'm deeply passionate or interested in this domain at large. It mostly sparks a passive curiosity, but it never evolved into something I see myself dedicating my free time. My interests revolve around humanities.

I am tall person with an overall strong build, I work out and cycle a lot, but I don't relate in any way to masculinity. I consider myself gender-queer, my relation with gender being quite complex. Not just on an identity basis, I have feminine features as well. For as much as I can remember, people always remarked my unusual traits. 'Your nails are so beautiful, you should paint them' or 'Did you put mascara on?' are some of the earliest I heard. But that's a discussion for another time.

My political and moral views about the world are deeply left wing. Since my childhood I always took an interest on the human and social parts of the world and history. I was always concerned with how people lived their lives, what was their routine and how did they got throughout the day, rather than focusing on strategic things like battles armies or heroes. Most of the literature I liked growing up was about the human condition.

I am also a Christian. I am an Eastern Orthodox Christian. I go to Church every Sunday, mostly because I am also an Altar boy. I like helping and being deep in my local community. I really like Theology and the history of the Church. It is really fascinating how smart people interpret the Holy Texts and how much meaning they extract from Them and how they created a big system around it. However I'm not a spiritual person, I can't say that I FEEL the divinity.

If I had to describe my "'personality" in a psychological (or pseudo at least) I'd say that I'm an introvert. I don't really like to be surrounded constantly by people. I like staying in house and putting time into my interests. I enjoy the time I spend alone and sometimes I need it like a it's a necessity. However I don't consider myself anti social in any aspect. I can get along with most people, form amicable relations with most people and I can entertain discussions, be them casual or on specific subjects, joking or serious. I also seek people that have similar interests as me. I seek real and genuine human connections, just like anyone else for that matter.

As for my hobbies and interests, I have a deep passion for arts, in special for literature, music and movies. I could talk about those all day. I also enjoy other forms of media such as animations and video games, but not that much as I used to do a while ago. I watch way too much YouTube vids. I also love animals, especially birds. I own a lot of pets and domestic animals.

In my spare time outside the house, I go to concerts. A lot of them. I know every venue in my city and some in others. If there's a concert, most likely I'm there or at least I know about it. There are some places that revolve around cultural stuff but not that many. Just some libraries, some art hubs and small cinemas. I'm also there from time to time. I will get more into what types of music and literature I like, but another time.

Overall I'd describe myself as man of contradictions and conflicting ideas. I study in STEM but my passion is in humanities. I am progressive person and I would describe myself as socialist and/or anarchist but I'm also a practicing Christian in one of the most conservative denominations. I think about my gender identity way more than most people do. I can get along with everyone and I rarely feel alone, and most of the time I can find someone to distract me from that feeling, but I always felt like an outsider who can't find that easily someone that TRULY gets everything. Even my city has contradictions. Even thought I like in a big city (at the outskirts of it indeed but still in the city) I live in a basically rural area and I have farm animals. I don't care about the concept of nationality and overall I hate nationalistic ideas. On the internet I've always adopted other nationalities and formed my personas around them (for example I pretended to be Hungarian on Facebook to trigger dumb Romanians). But I also feel attached to this place I the thought of me not being here scares me. I know that I will miss it.

While I do have all of this contradictions in my life, I don't feel emotionally affected by them, but I do want to explore them more and maybe learn something about myself, that's why I want to journal my thoughts more.

[gh0st-3]

Trippin At Joshua Tree Trip

Spent Memorial Weekend at Joshua Tree since I've been craving for a vacation, especially since I worked in tourism, my social battery just always feels drained.

I just booked a cabin in the desert, it's (now) called "glamping" but honestly, you get what you pay for, especially if you're a native city-dweller like me with no boy/girl scout experience or how to camp overall. It felt like it was still worth every penny.

Just not with airbnb since they're assholes who will ALWAYS side with the hosts, even if the hosts will require their guests to clean every nook and cranny just to be charged a "cleaning fee."

Anyways, I took LSD on the way there because, again I wasn't sure what's to see out there in a desert, just thought that rocks and cacti will be boring if you're not high..

Well, I was wrong. I still had an 'ok' trip on the drug but I wished I could see the stars better. I have to admit, I felt like a stereotypical boho, white girl there as while I was tripping, I felt like I wasn't just feeling like I'm "one with" the desert, but the universe with how the sky was brightly sprinkled by stars. Not forgetting the beautiful sunset and sunrise!

I'm honestly afraid to divulge more about the LSD trip because I tend to have the opposite side effects to what others have described theirs as essentially, being on the trip has helped me refocus on my values in life.

Such instance was when we were watching the sunset just outside of the cabin, I gave a blanket and my cap to my partner while we were sitting outside the patio and .. I just felt like time paused for that moment since when I was looking at his side profile, he reminded me of my dear uncle, Bobby and how I wished so badly that he was there with us to enjoy the beautiful sunset.

In the end, I couldn't sleep and spent the wee hours of the morning until sunrise at the bonfire crying about my life (from past to present) because, in my head, I revolved my thoughts around Uncle Bobby.

Growing up, he was one of the 2 adults who was pretty consistent in my life until his passing in my junior year of high school. I've mostly felt guilt from childhood till now because I had wished for him.. in the end, I could only feel like me and my family abandoned him back in our home country, especially since we migrated to America. We did visit our home country every summer for at least a couple of months (our entire summer after school), but my abuser kept taking us to places that she can shop or vacation at while I can barely have a day to stay in our house, what more let Uncle Bobby out of his room to see him.

His scenario was similar to the book "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews because his family, our other 20+ relatives, saw his severe Cerebral Palsy as an embarrassment, if not a "punishment from God" (since some of them converted to a variety of religions) YET they cheated him and his mother (grandma) from what inheritance/insurance they could've received from his father's (grandpa) passing so by the time I was born, my mother (abuser) had to shoulder the financial obligations while needing to pay someone peanuts to take care of both an ailing old woman and a man with severe disabilities. We were already in 3rd world poverty by the time I was born, if my abuser hadn't married an American, I wouldn't be here now having the time to do the things I never once thought, what more imagined to do.

In the end, I still revolved my life around the thought of my uncle for what I could remember him. Even though its been 10 years and 7 months since he passed, and I still remember spending the summer for his wake and funeral, I still think of him just as he was still alive.

I just can't stop crying since its the only thing I knew to do. I've been labeled as a loner before I knew what that even meant because the other kids thought I was "creepy" being by myself.

Truthfully, I like being alone with my own thoughts or rather 'world' as its the only place I could feel like I had a family, or rather.. they were still alive.

I endured all the bullying and ostracism because for me, it didn't hurt as much as losing my family. At 3 yrs. old, my grandma passed away, I never met my bio dad since he walked out before I was a year old, so until I was 17, I only had my abuser, uncle and his caretaker. Even though we had A LOT of relatives, they were cold and cruel because they saw my family as the 'black sheep', despite my grandpa having supported them, especially financially when they came from nothing themselves. I did have a few others in my life but they passed away as I was growing up that I felt like I was "bad luck."

I never cared for others to think I'm pathetic for crying because I felt like I found some comfort in my own head letting it all out while getting some answers that felt like it was "good enough" to help ease the pain of losing people who you'll never see again.

When I was watching the stars, I could only think of Carl Sagan's quote that people are made of the same materials as the stars. In my naivety or wishful thinking. I could only hope that the people who have passed in my life (if there is reincarnation) that they can be whoever or whatever they are now, but I could only remember Mark Twain's quote about him never having to fear dying because .. he never did care about being born either. It was a lottery, still I want to be hopeful, if not for myself, at least for Uncle Bobby. I still wished that I was there for him when he was always there for me when I was getting abused at home and in school because he was the first (after grandma) to see me as a family that even my own parents never wanted me.

In a way LSD has made reflect and remind me of the way and why I do things.

[turtlemagnum]

coming to terms with some shit, gonna rant under the cut

so, some context here. i am severely mentally ill and neurodivergent, and i've known this for pretty much all my life. i've had PTSD since i was 6 goddamn years old, and i've also been struggling with ADHD, anxiety, depression, anger issues, and autism all my goddamn life. now, i've gotten better as time has gone on, at least in terms of not Freaking The Fuck Out. i'd say my anger has eased the most, probably because i have significantly less exposure to dickshitters these days. i'm also queer, i'd consider myself some manner of bisexual and some manner of nonbinary; albeit in a very loose sense. i think part of both of those are me mostly not especially caring about societal preconceptions of what a man should be. whenever someone has historically tried to call my masculinity into question, i've just sorta not really reacted at worst and been slightly amused at best. my mom insisted that i don't shave my legs because i'm a man, and i didn't care because i think body hair is Gross. so like, in terms of gender, i still present more or less like a man because i prefer the presentation styles of masculinity, but i don't adhere to it out of some sense of what i innately should be due to some misguided gender essentialism. i just like having pockets and don't care enough about my appearance to learn to do makeup (i feel as though it'd be like putting a V8 engine in a ford model T). in terms of sexuality, i'm less so bisexual in the sense of "i'm attracted to men and women at similar levels" but moreso "i'm almost exclusively attracted to women and people who identify as men that look enough like a woman to me (e.g. femboys)". i've heard some describe this as a valid form of bisexuality, but frankly i feel like i'm sorta faking it? but also some men are real pretty and cocks look pretty cool, so i dunno. i've pretty much known all of this for as long as i've been capable of critical thought, partially because my mom's also bisexual in a similar way (predominantly being attracted to men but acknowledging some lesser attractions to women), partially because she never talked down to me about stuff like mental illness and sexuality. i will say that i had no fuckin clue what being nb meant until high school, when this really cool nb person was really patient with me and explained that shit to me (hope you're doing well on the off chance you see this, skye), but hey ya can't win em all. i was also a so called "gifted kid" back when i was in school, teachers always fuckin loved me because i was slightly less of a dipshit than most other kids and i was good at taking tests. that, in combination with my variety of mental shit, gave me such a fucking superiority complex that took me until i was at least 16 or so to grow out of. i will say that the PTSD made me mature a lot faster than most kids, though obviously this is a bad thing and being mature for a fuckign kid still isn't very mature, but Still. all of this, in combination, has generally left me feeling fairly separate from other people, like i'm perpetually a stranger, on the outside looking in. a part of me wishes i could like things a normal amount, that i could like the things most other people seem to like but are mind numbing to me, i wish i could've had more of a childhood before gaining sentience right before becoming traumatized. but also, i feel a small freedom in my solitude. i feel as though i'd be significantly more boring without all of this, without all of my esoteric interests and beliefs, without my shitfucked sense of humor, without my desires and beliefs in a better world and a better future. in all earnestness, despite my regrets, and there are many, i feel i'm a better person for all i have been through. conflict can make you weaker, it can erode you and your will, your fighting spirit. but it can make you stronger, it can give you no choice but to hold on for dear life or to not live at all. it can enact growth.

things may seem bleak, they may seem like they'll never get better, but they can, and if enough people work together to make the world a better place, it can and it will. we can't all be strong, especially not on our own. that's why it's important to lean on the people you care about, and let them lean on you when they need to. the world can be a better place, for people like me, for people like you, for everyone.

i yearn for a world where people like me aren't forced to exist. not in the sense of wanting to die, or wanting other neurodivergent or queer people to not exist; but in the sense of not wanting other people to have been through so much as myself. i yearn for a world where children don't have to be strong, where adults can permit themselves vulnerability, where people can love and be loved freely without conflict and abuse. a world where weakness isn't necessarily encouraged, but certainly not punished. one of peace, of prosperity.

this got away from me, but alas, most things do these day. if you read all of this, stay safe out there. i won't lie and say i care about you personally, because chances are i don't know you. but most likely, someone loves you. remember them in the times to come. you'll likely need to at times

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

Bro I love you so much /p as someone who read the whole Tintin's comics multiple times as a child, saw the different movies and related smh sometimes to this wild lil belgian/french dude, seing your stuff makes me so goddamn happy.

I'm not at a super good time in my life rn. But seeing that some people still love those comics to the point of being hella creative about it reminds me how happy I was, at the time, when I was reading those on my mom's old ass MacBook in primary/elementary school, or on the floor of the living room with my dad's comics that were a bit falling apart becausd he had them for so long ; and then I was joyfully doing stories about it by myself too ! I now remember how badly I wanted to be like Tintin growing up ! Wow ! My trans ass just realised that !

I'll probably start to read them again tonight, you smh woke up my actual first hyperfixation of all time I think. Also I spent maybe one full hour sending all your stuff to my gf tonight because I was so happy and my connection sucks ah-

Have a good time in life, honestly you're amazing ! (and sorry for the grammar/syntax/spelling mistakes ! My french ADHD ass can't write anymore in english)

Oh wow. oh man. Thank you so much for sending this to me, I know you sent it some time ago and I'm sorry I took a long time to respond, but this really means a lot to me!

I'm also transmasc and can relate to fictional characters being formative in childhood (though for some reason I never related to Tintin? he was just Too Perfect for me. I definitely related to Haddock as a kid. maybe i had Issues lol).

The way Tintin performs gender is super appealing, I genuinely believe his unique way of presenting gender was a large factor in his global popularity - he was a total badass without alienating people who don't relate to "traditional" Western forms of masculinity! A petite androgynous guy who loved musical theatre and dressed his little dog in ribbons and was never mocked for it. Really makes him stand out from a lot of male action heroes of the time.

I hope you're in a better place now, it's been a rough couple of years recently. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me, especially in English!

[buckyownsmylife]

I’ve Told You Now - Bucky Barnes smut

The one where alpha!Bucky fucks you in front of the other avengers

Warnings: smut, a/b/o dynamics, public sex, oral (f), p in v, possessiveness

Word count: 2.3k

A/N: Thank you to my lovely @wakingbeauty​ for giving this a read for me! This is strictly the product of mine and @navybrat817​‘s belief that public sex should be more common in A/B/O dynamics, so there you have it 😊 Also, I used a prompt the sweet @jbreenr​ gave me ages ago for a headcanon and I asked to save it for this story since it made such perfect sense! Hope you guys like it! I might write more public sex A/B/O smut in the very near future!

Bucky’s P.O.V.

Everyday was the same. I’d wake up and join the rest of the team for breakfast to find out that despite the fact that someone had saved me a seat, that same someone had thought of a new joke to make at my expense.

If I thought Tony’s nicknames were bad, this was a whole new level. It’s like she wanted to find all the little ways to annoy me, while still remaining mindful of my recovery process and triggers.

I’d never met an omega like that before. Back in my time, omegas were mostly prim and proper, almost shy around alphas, even if they were starting to show a little more skin and entertain the possibility of staying closer to us for longer periods of time.

I wasn’t used to someone who felt so comfortable with my intimidating aura, and the alpha in me definitely couldn’t grow used to seeing so much of her skin all the time. By now, I was sure she was doing it on purpose.

She knew how it affected me, she could smell it - every omega was able to identify when a nearby alpha was aroused. And I knew it turned her on in return. I was also biologically wired to sense that.

It was basically a game of who would break first. And I knew she thought she would win, but my resolve still wasn’t broken.

“Ah… What a lovely day. So full of possibilities… if you’re not a hundred years old,” she quickly added, throwing me a glance that had me rolling my eyes. “What do you say, grandpa? Feel like going out for a run?”

Who knows what I would have answered if she hadn’t decided to pull her hair up right at the second Wanda opened the window to look out into the field? The smile that had been on my face quickly dropped when I was hit with a heavy wave of her scent and my knees buckled as I tried to hold myself back from just jumping on top of her.

Unfortunately, because awareness was not something she seemed capable of having, she did not realize my struggle. “What’s wrong, old man? Can’t even keep up anymore?” The growl that escaped my chest at her joke was all the warning she needed to finally understand what was going on.

“I’ll show you what I can keep up.” I was on her in a second, my consciousness of our surroundings reduced to absolutely nothing. It was only her and me, and the way our lips moved as I guided her back to the couch, until we both fell on top of it.

“Is this what you wanted, huh?” I asked as I tore her shirt with a simple flick of my wrist. “Is this how you wanted it to happen? For me to lose all control and just take you right here?” All that left her was a garbled sound, her hands clawing at my back as I easily got rid of her jeans until they were nothing but scraps on the floor and then exposed her pussy to the tower’s living room.

“Fuck yes,” I growled, immediately leaning down to get a taste of her. Sweet and wet and mine, all mine. I had no idea where that possessive instinct had come from, but I would be crazy to ignore it - especially since it felt like I’d kill and die for her at that very second.

Her hips jerked up, instinctively searching for my tongue, but a breeze of clarity seemed to brush over her and make her sit up on her elbows, looking down at me. I knew what was running through her mind before she said it, and I wasn’t having any of it.

“You better lay back down and let me savor my meal,” I warned, knowing the rest of the team had gathered around to watch the show. I didn’t have to take my eyes off her debauched state to know it, but her gaze was on them, even if the rest of her body was still spread open for anyone to see, uncaring of the fact that we were being watched.

“You poked the beast, now you’ll entertain it,” Steve warned, shaking his head as if to scold us, but when I met his eyes, I could see the glint of desire in them. He wanted to be in my position, he wanted to have his own tongue shoved deep inside my girl’s pussy, and it only made me eat her more hungrily.

“Eyes on me, ‘mega,” I called out to her once I saw her eyes linger on Steve. “Let them watch, that’ll keep them away from you.” She groaned at the possessiveness in my words, but it was the sounds of someone who was relishing in it. And I was relishing in her juices.

“Fuck!” She cursed when I buried my tongue as far as it could go in her, something deep inside of me desperate to be drowning in her scent. “Should have gotten you mad before.”

The thought was amusing to me. Did she really think this was only the result of pent-up anger, and not months of desire and lust that had finally spilled from my weakened resolve?

“Well…” I started, pushing two fingers inside of her to scissor her open for me, although my scent had already made her body as prepared for an Alpha an Omega could get.

I was a bit larger than usual Alphas, though - courtesy of the serum - so I wanted to make sure she wouldn’t go through any pain whatsoever. “You keep me mad all the fucking time, kitten.”

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“With desire or anger, it doesn’t really care,” he continued, like it was any ordinary day and we were chatting in the living room, our usual teasing banter taking over the conversation, instead of him eating me out on the couch in front of all of our teammates while I was spread out for their eyes to take in.

“You’re always a tease to me, in one way or another.” His huge hands massaged the inside of my thighs as he finally lowered himself to suck on my nub again, making me instinctively buck my hips up in search of his tongue.

“Stay…” he ordered in his Alpha tone, and the whine that broke free from my chest was more animal than human now. The way he used his mouth was nothing short of sinful, licking me from ass to clit with an eagerness I had never expected the former Winter Soldier to have.

But I guess today I was discovering all of my fantasies about Bucky had been a bit misplaced. For one, I never thought he’d be the type of Alpha to take me in such a public environment.

In every dirty dream I’d had, Bucky was far too possessive to allow anyone to explore what was his - even if it was only visually - but what I’d come to learn was that while he was definitely dominating, there was a hint of exhibitionism in his craving.

He liked to have people see him break me into a million pieces only to glue me back together with a lick of his tongue. He liked that they were seeing his talent - and I had to admit, by what I saw in his friend’s stare, that they were also admiring me too.

And he got off on that. I didn’t expect it would make me get off too.

“Delicious,” he hummed when he finally pulled away from my cunt, having brought me to my release and licked it off of me. Still, an overwhelming amount of wetness covered the lower part of his face, prompting me to raise myself to my elbows and lick my own juices off of his lips, the omega in me begging to scent him as mine.

“You’re a nasty little bitch, aren’t you?” He chuckled once the surprise faded away, easily manhandling me onto my stomach, the sound of a zipper being opened denouncing that he had undressed.

“Keep fucking me and you’ll find out.” I heard him spitting behind me, a shiver running up my spine as I realized he was playing with himself while looking at me presenting for him.

“Oh, I’ll do much better than that.” That was all the warning I got before I felt the head of his member poking my entrance, slowly but surely sliding in until he had bottomed out.

My whines became intensified when he pulled me up by my hair, his free hand covering my breast to rub my nipple as he whispered, “I’m gonna claim you, sweetheart. You think you’re ready for that? Think you’ll be able to take it?”

I was quickly realizing I had severely underestimated the man inside of me, even if not to the extent he thought I had. I was not ready for that. I don’t think I ever would be, but fuck if I wasn’t gonna take it anyway.

Because it was so much better than I ever imagined it to be.

“No more playing hard-to-get,” Bucky continued, finally starting to move and immediately settling on a punishing pace. “No more teasing me with your short skirts and tempting scent. You’ll be mine now, ‘mega. Forever. How does that sound?”

God, I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to keep exercising this complete control over my body that he had so easily managed to take. His cock was stretching me in ways I’d never been stretched before, his inflated knot slamming against my opening with each thrust.

“Always mocking me… Am I too old for you now?” I shivered as he licked a stripe up my neck. I knew he wouldn’t actually bite me in front of everyone - a claiming ritual was a sacred ritual, even the most feral of Alphas respected the intimacy of that. But the way he was taunting me was all too arousing, I couldn’t deny it. “Tell me.”

His hand squeezed my hip, looking for an answer. I tried to open my mouth, but nothing came out. His palm slipped further down, finding my clit, and as two fingers rubbed my own juices, around it, I screamed.

“N-No!” Bucky chuckled against my neck, body continuing his onslaught against mine as he nuzzled my scent gland. “Y-you’re not too old for me. Take me, take me please.” His coos were too provoking, making me cry out loud at the mocking sound.

“Aw, kitten…” His warm mouth breathed the next words against my ear, “I already did.” He turned my face towards his with his fingers tangled in my hair, engulfing my mouth with his.

“Alright.” A familiar voice spoke from not too far, startling me for a second as I once again was reminded that we were still very much surrounded by our team. “You two might just be the sexiest mates I’ve ever seen fuck.”

A growl escaped Bucky’s chest at hearing someone refer to us as mates for the first time, and I panted in need, desperate to cum, desperate for him. “Seen a lot of mates fuck, Romanoff?” He nibbled at my ear, hands roaming over my body as if to make it very clear to every person watching that they could look all they wanted, I was still his.

“You have no idea.” Looking over a bit to the side from where she was seated, there rested Sam’s almost limp body, a hand curled over his boner as his eyes never wavered from the place I was connected to the man behind me.

“Well, I know what I’m gonna think about tonight.” Something between a laugh and a moan escaped me, making Bucky growl again, hands pushing me back down onto the couch as his hips picked up the pace with which they’d ruin me.

To say I was soaked was the understatement of the century. I could feel it, running down my thighs, drenching the couch underneath me. I don’t know how we’d be able to use it again, but that was the least of my concerns in the moment.

“I am begging you to let me lick her pussy after you guys are done,” came Tony’s voice, and I knew Bucky would growl in his direction just from the way his fingers pressed tightly on the flesh of my hips. “Not that type of Alpha, sorry, I got it.”

I heard his footsteps retreating quickly, probably scared of what Bucky would do to him once we were done, but in the Alpha’s defense, Tony seemed to disappear from his mind the second he left the room, all of his senses directed to me and his goal of making me cum around his cock.

“C’mon, kitten,” he whispered, fingers easily locating my clit to play with me as he pulled me up to rest against his chest one more. “Come for me, milk me dry.” That was all I needed to give him what he wanted, and although I was anticipating to moan loudly as I creamed his knot, his mouth covered mine to swallow all of my sounds in a deep kiss, hands protectively covering me while pawing at my breasts at the same time.

“Steve,” Bucky called after he managed to catch his breath, having fallen on top of me on the couch once his knot popped open. “I won’t be able to work out with you today.”

I looked up as best as I could to find Steve already staring at us, although red from head to toe. “That’s understandable,” he spoke in a thick, rough voice that I barely recognized as his. “You seem to have worked out enough already.”

Bucky stopped running his nose against my cheek at his friend’s attempt at teasing, a slow smirk taking over his face as he joined me and stared at his friend. “Oh, I’m not nearly done,” he warned. “You’re more than welcome to join us for some cardio, if you want to.”

The soft smile Steve sent our way told us everything we needed to know about his plans for the evening.

[kaitsawamura]

would you like to stay forever?

SUMMARY⎮   Sparring with Pro Hero Kirishima Eijiro in his private gym at his home doesn't seem like a bad idea if you don't count the fact that you really, really like him.

STATS⎮ minors do not interact, 18+ ⎮  Rating: M (for mature)  ⎮  WC: 5525  ⎮   Pairing: Pro Hero Kirishima Eijiro x Fem!Reader  ⎮   Tags: Aged Up Character(s), Friends to Lovers, Sparring, Smut, Fluff, Age/Experience Gap (if you really squint)  ⎮  AO3

NOTES⎮  Thanks to @spacelabrathor​ for listening to me scream about this and to @some-kindofgnome​ for fueling my Kiri fever dreams.  Yes, that title is based on a Mulan quote. This whole fic was based on THIS POST and Kirishima seemed like the perfect character for this pwp.  Hope y'all enjoy!  (Also please for the love of God, click on the banner to see in HD if you’re on mobile, it looks so much better lol)

It was Saturday and even though you’re on your way to becoming a Pro Hero, you can think of several things you’d rather be doing with your one day off than going to Kirishima Eijiro’s house to spar.  But here you are pulling into his driveway, going over combat moves in your head as if your life depended on it.  They weren’t really serving their purpose which was to distract yourself.  Kiri had offered up his personal gym, encouraged you to stop by with one hand in his pocket and the other rubbing the back of his neck as if he was nervous.  

A couple of his friends had already taken him up on the offer.  You were the only one he’d offered who hadn’t come over yet.  He had texted you a couple of weeks later saying he was starting to take it personally…  and then immediately texted with a laughing emoji just to clarify he was only giving you a hard time.  It brings a smile to your face now as you remember it.  Yesterday he had also clarified it would just be the two of you if you were self-conscious sparring in front of other people.  You’d have the whole place to yourselves.  Like that should mean something.  Which it did.  It does , you realize with butterflies growing in your stomach.  Kiri doesn’t need to know that though.

The two of you had been toeing around something since you had been hired at Fatgum’s Agency a year ago.  Neither of you had made a move.  Kirishima, the Red Riot, was a big Pro Hero and while you took pride in your quirk, it didn’t hold a coin to some of the others you’d come in contact with.  It had surprised you when Toyomitsu had brought you on.  But he had mumbled something about “liking your spunk” and that he thought a teleportation quirk would be a useful one to add to his agency.  The first day you had shown up, Kiri had immediately caught your eye.  Not for the obvious reasons.  Obvious reasons being the fact that he was climbing the Pro Hero charts or the fact that he had a dynamically interesting quirk or that at twenty-five he was already built like a brickhouse. 

Those were all valid reasons, yes, but what had pulled you in was his smile and his genuine interest in you outside of your quirk.  But he was just like that you had quickly discovered.  He knew everyone’s coffee order and what they liked for lunch.  He knew when to push and when to back off.  He knew when to talk and when to listen , knew when he still had a lesson to learn.  The kids flocked to him.  Even now you’re still entirely convinced that’s actually his quirk, getting people to like him.  It’s not a difficult thing to do though.

Your brain stutters back to the present when a text notification pings from your cell phone as you sit in Kiri’s driveway, picking at non-existent lint on your gym shorts.  The cute ones you’re still convincing yourself were your only clean pair and that’s the only reason you wore them.

KIRI : i saw u pull up, u gonna come in or what 😂

Had he been waiting for you to get there?  You tapped out a quick response, one that hid the little flip in your stomach at the thought: creeper, you were watching for me lmao

Response bubbles immediately flash on your phone screen but you’re angling out of your car and shutting the door before he can reply.

Somehow, this house fits Kiri perfectly.  It isn’t big.  You had seen pictures of other top-ranking Pros’ houses.  Enji Todoroki’s house, for example, was fucking ridiculous.  But even without a massive floor plan, Kiri’s house is nicer than any you’d been in for some time.  Clean, straight lines and lots of windows.  In fact, you can see straight through the floor-to-ceiling windows out to his backyard when you reach the front door.  Is that a pool ?  Kiri had tons of fun showing pictures at the agency; it was a well-deserved investment for his already multiple years of service as a Pro.  The pictures hadn’t done the place justice though.

Kiri comes to the door, throwing it wide open with a huge grin that shows off his sharp teeth.  You ignore the way your mouth goes dry as he drags you in, babbling on like an excited little kid at you actually coming.

“I really thought you were gonna back out!  I mean, that would have been fine, of course.  I just can’t see the point of having the whole place to myself all the time.”  He’s irresistibly cute, walking around showing you the living room and the kitchen and pointing out to the backyard where, yes, there is indeed a pool.  “You can come over any time and use that too if you want!”  You thank him, warmth pooling in your stomach at how incredibly nice he is.

“Uh, we should probably get in the gym.  I have… stuff to do later,” you finish lamely.  You don’t have anything to do later but very quickly you’re realizing how far out of your depth you are here.  The familiar beginnings of the head over heels fall is washing over you in steady waves.  But you’re coworkers and the thought of coming to work every day and having to see his adorable face and not doing anything about it is almost making you nauseous.

“Oh, yeah, it’s just down the hallway,” he rumbles, leading the way and you follow trying and failing miserably to calm the nerves flashing through your veins.  You’re here alone with Kiri , the man you’ve been crushing on since you’d started working with him a year ago.  And now your stupid brain isn’t just thinking about what it would feel like to run your tongue along his teeth or how his hands would feel between your legs.  No, your stupid brain is thinking about what Kiri looks like when he first opens his eyes in the morning.

Your one-track mind is not getting any help, especially when Kiri walks through the doorway of the gym addition and immediately proceeds to pull his shirt up and over his shoulders and tosses it to the side.  Shit.  His back muscles ripple with the movement and when he turns to face you, it’s heart-wrenchingly obvious that he has no idea the effect he’s having on you.  He has to know .  Doesn’t he?  From your end, it seems wildly obvious that someone as good-looking as him should know .  

You glance around, eternally grateful for the fact that the gym is also attractive.  Floor to ceiling windows span two of the walls here as well and there’s a large set of French doors leading out to the yard.  You find yourself actually in awe when you get a better look at the landscaping.  It’s so green .  There’s a small patch of lawn but the rest is just artfully arranged native flora and fauna.  Violets, tulips.  Huge hosta plants.  And cherry trees heavy with their signature sakura blossoms.  

“Kiri, it’s beautiful!”  He comes to stand beside you, looking out the French doors as well.

“You like it?  I guess it is pretty nice, huh?”  You glance up at him, your chest expanding on a lurch looking at his smile.  You’d never noticed before but he has a light dusting of freckles across his nose.

“Yeah, really nice.”  You look out again, letting the silence grow until it feels like the most comfortable thing in the world.  After what seems like an eternity Kiri clears his throat, rocking back on the balls of his feet.  “What are you thinking for today?”  The question leaves your lips and you’re immediately regretting it; your stomach flips again when Kiri looks at you like you’re prey.

“Close combat, hand-to-hand combat.  You did mention a while ago you wanted to strengthen that, right?”  You throw your head back, rolling your eyes, and groan.  The two of you make your way to the center of the mat.

“Yeah, I mean, I’d be scared to take me on too,” Kiri says, large hands on even larger hips.   He isn’t as tall as some of the other heroes at six foot three inches but he’s wide , thick.  You know for a fact you couldn’t wrap your arms around his waist and have your hands meet.  He’s wearing the biggest shit-eating grin you’ve ever seen.  The sharpened points of his canines are out and on prominent display.   Famous last words you think as a snarl erupts on your face.

“I’m not scared , Kiri.  I just don’t want to wear you out .  You’re a Pro Hero.  You’re on the job a lot more than I am.  Plus, you’re getting kind of old.  Is that a little gray I see coming in?”  Kiri bares his teeth even more but it’s not lost on you that he quickly reaches up to rake his fingers through his hair.  There isn’t any gray, obviously , but the thought has Red Riot distracted.  Distracted enough that when you plant your feet and your fist connects with his face, your knuckles hit skin and not the reinforced rock of his quirk.

“ Shit.”  Kiri takes a step back, reaching up to cradle his jaw.  His tongue swipes out to lick at the blood on his bottom lip.  His vermillion eyes find yours and if you didn’t work with him on a regular basis, you would have felt fear at this moment.  You know he wouldn’t hurt you but even now, a thrill races through your veins like electricity.  He looks as if he’s going to devour you.  You take your own step back, readying your quirk, reaching out to it as your fists hold their position in front of your body.  A dark chuckle spills from his chest as Kiri calls on his own quirk.

Now it was your turn to be distracted; you had always been fascinated by Kiri’s quirk, the way his body looked when it hardened up.  The ripples of muscle still visible under the toughened skin.  The divots and ridges and how they mapped their way across his shoulders and chest and abdomen.  You knew how it felt to the touch in fake combat.  The Fatgum heroes all took pride in maintaining a healthy routine; sparring was a common workout that was previously done at a local public gym.  You wonder absently what it would feel like to touch him slow and at the moment.  When you could give extra attention with extra time. 

Kiri closes the space between the two of you at the moment your mind strays and you barely are able to teleport out of the way to avoid him crashing into you.  You try to take a swipe at him as you materialize from in front of him to behind but this time he’s ready for you and he’s using his quirk.  Instead of moving out of the way, he plants his feet and allows your punch to hit.  Pain radiates up through your fingers and wrist.  It always irritated you that you had to prepare yourself to strike Kiri when he was using his quirk.  Otherwise, you’d be in for a whole lot of hurt every time you landed a punch.

Teleportation is a pretty handy quirk.  It gives you a pretty good advantage the more you work on your close combat skills.  The trick with Kiri was to keep going at him until he ran out of energy.  You hadn’t gotten to that point yet; your quirk had its limits as well.  You were only two years out of UA, Kiri was out by seven.  His strength was already fairly unmatched; sparring with him was always good practice.  You relish the thought of the day you can win a sparring session without tapping out.  It surges through you like pure energy.  

You teleport to stand in front of him again, shifting your weight into your hips and up through your right hook.  This time your fist connects with Kiri’s side and he lets out a small grunt.  Your fingers don’t hurt so bad this time and by the time Kiri is retaliating, you jump back a few feet.  He hmms, a sound that reverberates from his chest.

“That’s all well and good but how do you expect to do anything if you jump that far away?”  He lunges forward at a running start, leaping at the last second, sending his gloved fist into your stomach.  You were fast, but still not always fast enough.  You double over, the air rushing from your lungs and your pre-workout protein smoothie threatening to exit back the way it went in.  Sweat is already beading on your brow and sliding under your tank top.  You take a few breaths through your nose when an idea pops into your head; you stay bent over.  “Hey, I didn’t hit you that hard.  You good?”  

Kiri comes to stand in front of you, leaving him vulnerable.  He can’t see your smirk until it’s too late.  You wail on him, using some of the basic combos he’s taught you before today.  Satisfaction rolls through you when he actually takes a step back.  But then he puts his arms up in front of him, clenching his abdomen and bending inward to protect his core.  He drops just a fraction and before you realize what’s happening, he’s swiping his leg out to push through yours.  You watch in slow motion as you see his laughing face then the ceiling of the gym as you flip and land on your back.

If you thought you were out of breath before…  “Fuuu-.”  It’s a wheeze that feels like it’s ripping your chest open.  You’re seeing stars.  Kiri stands over you, hands on his hips again.  You stare at his face; the hero has his hair pulled back into a bun.  You snort, rolling your eyes.  Why does he still look so fucking good?  The sweat has caused some of the pieces falling out of his hair tie to curl.  His hair has curl to it?  You’ve never noticed before, considering he always gels it into spikes.  You like the curl.  “Are you--are you gonna help me up, or what?”  It was still painful to talk.

Kiri tilts his head to the side, just slightly, and crosses his arms.  “I’m thinking not.  Last time I let down my guard you got those good combos in.”  You stare in stunned silence, sitting up so you’re supported by your elbows.  Kiri shifts slightly and if you didn’t know better, you’d say he’s backing up to… get a better view.   

“Is that any way to treat your student,  Red Riot?”  You know you get under his skin when he clicks his tongue against his teeth and holds out a hand with a begrudging eye roll.  He pulls you up with ease, quickly enough that you almost lose your balance, swaying into his space.  You look up, eyes moving back and forth between his.  

He draws in a breath and drags his bottom lip between his teeth.  “First of all,” he says as he places his hands on your upper arms, “I’m not your teacher.  I’m not that much older than you.  Secondly,” he mutters as he tucks a stray lock of hair behind your ear, “our relationship isn’t that formal is it?”  He’s so fucking close.  This is getting dangerous.  Dangerous because Kiri is within kissing distance.  Dangerous because this gentle side of him is making you lose more breath than falling on your ass.  Dangerous because the thought of Kiri taking you on the floor right now is almost too much to bear.  

So you fall back on what you’re here to do.  Fight.  You flash him a wicked smile before rallying your quirk and teleporting a few feet away.  His hand is still raised in mid-air and when his head whips to look in your direction, his crimson eyes are narrowed and his nostrils are flared.  He laughs and rolls his neck, dancing on his toes.

“Okay.  I see.  I’m not gonna go easy on you, you know?”  You snort and put your fists up in front of you again.

“As if you were going easy on me before, Kiri.  Bring it on.”  He smiles, the sharp points of his teeth enough to make your thoughts swerve again before you bring them under control.  “Bring it on,” you whisper more to yourself as you brace for the fight.

Two hours later, you feel the strain in your muscles.  Your quirk is running low on reserves and you know you won’t be able to use it much more.  Kiri looks like he hasn’t wasted a breath but you can see he’s getting tired in the way his feet don’t move as sharply.  And if the length of time he’s using his quirk is any indication to his state of mind, you know the two of you will be calling it a day soon.  But you’re also both stubborn.  And you’re dying to get one more good move in on him.

The cockiness the two of you had at the beginning of the sparring session hasn’t gone away but has burned hot into determination.  No more smiles, only clear-headed concentration.  The two of you are an arm's length from each other, throwing various punches and switching quickly between using your quirks and not.  You’re breathing hard, sweat gathering at your brow as you throw another right hook that Kiri easily blocks.

“Get out of your head.  You can be too predictable sometimes.”  He doesn’t mean for it to come across as rude but the words strike a match to a guttering fire.  You bare your own teeth at Kiri even though they aren’t sharp and probably don’t look nearly as threatening but it helps you feel powerful nonetheless.  You drop without a second thought, lowering to your palms and sweeping your leg out in front of you in a wide arc.  A grin spreads across your face when your calf meets Kiri’s ankle.  He’s too physically dense for this move to work if he had seen it coming.  But he doesn’t.  And his solid 220 pounds of muscle falls hard.  

You allow yourself the satisfaction of the moment for only a split second; Kiri’s recovery time is much shorter than yours so it isn’t long before he’s scrambling forward.  He goes straight for your wrists to subdue you but with a smirk, you realize in his haste he’s put himself in the perfect position for you to possibly gain the upper hand.  You scoot up away from him just enough to drag his arm forward and swing your legs around his neck.  Then you elevate your hips and lock your core.

It’s over from there as you squeeze with every last ounce of strength left in your body.  It doesn’t take long for him to tap out.  You release as soon as you feel his loose hand tap your arm; he collapses over you and you’re too tired to move away or push him off.  Now his breathing is rough and you feel a surge of pride.  You reach up and place your hand on his head where his bun has come undone; he’s so heavy but it doesn’t feel bad.  In fact, the feel of Kirishima resting his head and upper chest on your stomach is feeling nothing short of good .  He’s still between your legs and suddenly the air is crackling with a new kind of energy when you gently comb your fingers through his hair.

He rises up, his hands on either side of you.  His hips rest between your legs; the mingled heat radiating from both of you is almost more than you can take but there is no way you’re going to move anywhere.  He leans forward, so close you can see the flecks of burnt orange in his eyes.  If you moved forward just a little, you could close that space between you.  He leans down more, his mouth right next to the shell of your ear.

“Maybe not always predictable.  You did good today.  Probably some of the best fighting I’ve seen from you so far.  Keep it up.”  He grunts, a shift of his hips allowing the curve of his cock to brush against your clothed sex through his gym shorts.  He stiffens in what you think might be embarrassment.  “Shit, sorry, let me just, uh--”  The stuttering mess he becomes right before your eyes makes something lurch in your chest; you reach for his face without thinking.

“Kiri,” you whisper, rolling your own hips against his.  His cheeks are burning a shade of red almost as vibrant as his hair.  You bring up your other hand, holding his face between them and bringing him down to settle over you once more.  Your lips meet his; he seems to war with himself for just a moment.  A suspended second in time.  But then he gives in, slipping his tongue against yours in a delicious sliding vision of what’s coming.

He reaches between you to slip his hand under your tank top; his hand is big and nearly encompasses your side.  But it’s warm and gentle.  Gentle.  Who would have guessed that Red Riot could be so fucking gentle?  But he is and when his hand moves lower to slide below the hem of your shorts, you give yourself to him with no reservations.  His middle finger passes through the mess of your sex; a hissed breath rattles through his chest as your back arches on a ragged groan.

“ Shit.  You’re so wet .”  He slides his finger back and forth, gathering your slick on the thick digit.  He takes his hand away and you mewl.  “Can I?”  He asks breathlessly as he hooks his hands on the hem of your shorts.  You nod, eyes half-lidded.  He pulls them down along with your underwear and the way he looks at you, at what’s between your legs, you don’t even have the wherewithal to feel self-conscious.  Adoration.  It’s the only word you can think of and it makes you wonder if you’d made a mistake waiting so long.

He’s on his knees when he takes your legs and drapes them on either side of his hips; this time he doesn’t hesitate in slipping his finger into your cunt.  You nearly see stars just from that and if one finger is any indication, you’re in for it.  Slowly, he adds another, his hand pumping into you in a steady rhythm.  You’re grabbing for the ground, grabbing for him as a strangled noise pushes from your throat.  He reaches out with his other hand to splay it across your sternum and it’s the only thing anchoring you as he adds the third finger before scooting down to put his mouth on your clit.

“ Kiri,” you keen, shoving your hips into his touch, frantically scrabbling for his wrist that’s on your chest just to have something to hold on to.  He’s done this before, he’s had to.  He’s too good.  Too fucking good.  Already there’s coiling in your gut as incomprehensible words tumble from your mouth.  “Shit.  Shit.  Kiri I’m--I’m gonna--”  He rumbles approvingly against your clit; the vibrations send you closer and closer to the edge and when it crests, your back arches near pain as you cry out, your voice echoing in the gym.  It’s deep, roaring through all of your limbs but  Kiri keeps going, fingers still pumping, tongue still swirling around your sensitive nub.

Another orgasm breaks over you sharp and quick and the overstimulation has your legs quaking as your arousal gushes over Kiri’s hand and tongue.  But then he’s moving again, and you’re blearily aware that he’s shoving his own shorts and boxers past his hips to free his cock.  You stare as it bounces back to sit near the planes of his stomach; it’s already leaking steadily with precum.  Kiri looks back at you and when your eyes meet, you dart your tongue out between your lips to wet them.  Another time, maybe.  

Kiri leans forward to lift you up and the closer you get you can barely see any red in his eyes; his pupils are blown, his nostrils flared as he lifts you like you weigh nothing .  He could snap you like a twig.  But he won’t.  You know without a doubt this is the safest you’ve ever felt, even as he lowers you slowly over his cock and it does feel like you’re being split .

“ Fuuuck…”  You wrap your legs around him, your mouth dropped open, your hands gripping his shoulders.  You try not to dig your nails in but it’s almost impossible with how you’re being filled.  You knew Kiri was big but this was almost too much.  His forehead drops to yours as he pants.  But he’s not moving, won’t move until you tell him to.  It makes your heart ache and your cunt floods, drunk on the affection thrumming through your veins.  You roll your hips experimentally and the friction is bliss.  “Oh fuck, ohfuck.”  You move again, pushing yourself up and back down, listening to the hitch in his breathing.  “ Kiri, please, ” you whisper.  Those words… they’re enough.

Kirishima grips you by the hips, his fingers splayed and digging into the flesh; it’ll leave bruises and the knowledge cracks through you like electricity.  Let him leave marks.  Let him leave them everywhere.  He’s moving you up and down his cock, grunting, mumbling.  “Tell me, Kiri, tell me.”  His eyes meet yours again and his own mouth drops open.

“Fuck, you’re so good.  S’ tight.  Jesus, I-- ” Kiri moves his hands from your hips to support you as he lays you down on the floor of the gym.  The idea should be questionable but it’s not, it’s fucking not and you can’t concentrate on any other thoughts when Kiri grabs your wrists and pins them gently above your head with one hand while the other comes back to your hip.  He thrusts into you at a brutal pace but… it feels like home and you think in that moment as your cunt begins to seize around his cock that you would give up forever to continue touching him.

“Yes, Kiri, yes.  Right there, right--shit yesyes yes. ”  He pistons up, the veins of his cock rubbing just right and when he releases the grip on your hands, they’re moving to wrap around him on instinct.  He’s planting kisses along your jaw, mouthing up to your lips and back down to graze his teeth over your pulse point.  “Do it, fuckin’ do it, let them know ‘m yours, ” you slur and when he bites down you crash over the edge on a groan that’s really more of a scream.  Everything goes black but you're cradling him to you as his movements become more erratic.  The snapping of his hips is getting sloppier by the second and a steady growl punches from his lungs with each breath.  “Cum, Kirishima, cum inside me.”

He’s never heard those words before and it lights a fire in his veins.  His head is buzzing and then he can’t hear anything as his cock releases and he’s spurting searing hot ropes of cum into your cunt.  He goes until you’ve milked every last drop from him and he’d be lying if he said his world didn't suddenly feel whole.  Finally, his body settles and his chest drops to yours.  Everything slowly bleeds back into focus and somehow, everything seems more colorful than it did moments before.  You’re still clinging to him.

“Kiri.  Kiri, babe, I can’t breathe,” you say and he slowly rises, taking in your blissed-out expression.  Your eyes can barely stay open, your cheeks are flushed.  He backs up to see his handiwork on display, hyper-focused on the trail of the mingling cum dripping from the mess of your sex.  But you’re smiling.  Lazy and tired, completely at ease.  “Wanna take a shower?”  When you nod he doesn’t hesitate in standing to kick his underwear and shorts the rest of the way off his legs and then he’s grabbing you, scooping you into his arms and against his chest.  He pads out of the gym and across the hall to his bathroom where he deposits you on your feet, only after he’s sure you can stand and only long enough to turn the shower head-on.

He puts his hand under the water, waiting for it to get warm.  Steam billows from behind the glass door when he’s turning back to you to remove your tank top and your sports bra.  Thank god you chose the front-closure one today; you didn’t think either one of you wanted to struggle to get one up over your head right now.  When your breasts spill out of the high-impact fabric, you notice with tender amusement that his cock is half-hard again.  His eyes go dark again and he leans in for a kiss.  But it's slow and sweet. 

"You're so fuckin' beautiful," he whispers.  He ignores his arousal, ushering you into the stream of water.  Your care is the only thing that matters to him right now.  The heat slides across your body, and when Kirishima steps up behind you and begins soaping up your shoulders, it feels like heaven .

You take turns washing each other until you’re both blissed out in a different kind of way and the only thing either one of you can think about is sleep.  But the afterglow is fading and doubt is creeping in.  When you step out of the water, you stand awkwardly as Kiri hands you a towel.  “You okay?”  He’s actually concerned and you can’t put your finger on why you’re so fucking grateful for it.

“Yea, just tired.  I should, uh, probably get going.”  Kiri freezes and you think you’ve said something wrong, already crossed a line.  Your brain is like a broken record as the stomach-curdling image of having to see him at the agency flashes across your eyes in vivid detail.  But then he’s stepping into your space and pulling you in for a hug.  A hug.

“Don’t go,” he whispers into the crown of your head and it has you smiling like an idiot against his chest.  His skin smells clean and warm with a hint of spice.  You bury your face further in as you nod against him.  Then he’s leading you to his room, to the king-sized bed.  He peels back the comforter and the white sheets and pulls you in beside him.  Your back is against him and he hooks his foot around your ankles, bringing you even closer.  

He doesn’t say anything more, just lets out a huge sigh as he wraps his arm around you.  The last thing you notice before your eyes flutter shut is how your heartbeats are thumping at the same steady rhythm.  

Late afternoon sunlight slants in Kirishima’s bedroom window, creating interesting patterns across his blanket.  It’s pushed towards the end of the bed, your legs intertwined and tangled in the sheets.  He’s still dozing, his breathing not quite that of someone sleeping but not of a person fully awake.  You reach out to cup his cheek, stroke above his eyebrows, caress his lips with your thumb.  A contented sigh leaves his chest as he grabs your hand and kisses your wrist.  His eyes are open now and he watches you.  You smile at him, snuggling closer, not wanting the moment to end.

“Hey,” he says quietly, suddenly serious.  “I just want you to know, I don’t do this all the time.  I mean, I’ve been with other people before but I don’t…  I don’t really hook up .”  Things start clicking into place as you realize what he’s trying to get across.  He just fucked you stupid in his personal gym and somehow he looks bashful.  And because you love it, you’re not going to help him along.  You just watch, biting your lip to keep from giggling.  “I just.  I guess what I’m trying to say is I like you.  I’ve liked you for a long time.  And normally I would have wined and dined you first but...  Well.  Here we are.  Would you like to stay for dinner?”

That’s the last straw; your laughter comes bubbling out of you and Kiri is leaning back to look at you with a quizzical expression on his face.  “Is something funny?”  That just makes you laugh a little harder but the confused look he’s wearing has you leaning in to press your lips against his.

“I’ve liked you from the first day I met you, Kiri.  I’ll one-up your offer and tell you that I might like to stay forever.”  A grin rips across his face and your heart blooms with warmth and affection.  The world seems full of possibilities but none of them matter except for the possibility laying right in front of you.

[dootdootwriting]

CONGRATS FOR 600+!!! I SAW UR EVENT SO IF I HAVE THE CHANCE, IM TAKING IT

The whole alphabet for Thoma. (Gn reader)

PLEASE dont overwork yourself though. You dont have to do it all if youre tired or something. Thank you and congrats!

600+ writing event

ty for ur request anon!! also you're funny. overwork myself? how could i possibly do that when i'm already avoiding all of my schoolwork? entire alphabet for thoma coming right up! (under the cut for length)

fluff alphabet with thoma; gn reader; no warnings apply

A-Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?)

- thoma enjoys pretty much any type of shared activities with you, but ultimately his favorite kind is any that involves food. he'll go on tours of inazuma city with you to find the best places to get ice cream, or he'll buy a whole bunch of food and see what kind of dishes you can make together! nine times out of ten it ends up being really weird and a little gross, but it's fun and he loves spending time with you.

B-Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

- he admires your ambition, your humor, and your own personal flair. he loves the person you are, and almost everything that goes into that, but he specifically loves the unique little traits that make you you.

C-Comfort (how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?)

- his first instinct is to give you a big hug or rub your back, but only if he knows you're okay with it and that it would actually help. his first goal is to make sure you're okay, and then his second goal is to cheer you up: with bad jokes and kisses, usually

D-Dreams (how do they picture the future with their s/o?)

- thoma isn't super picky with how you two end up in the future, as long as you're together and happy. he wants to grow old with you, ideally, though however you do that will decide itself.

E-Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or rather passive?)

- thoma is used to taking the lead in your relationship, but he's not necessarily more dominant or anything - he's just excited to be with you and wants to make sure you're just as happy as he is. your relationship is pretty balanced!

F-Fun (what do they do for fun with their s/o? what's their idea of a fun day out?)

- he loves loves loves going out on walks, especially in the city, and just finding random things that seem fun to do. there are a bunch of people playing cornhole over there, how about you guys join in for a game? they're selling a new kind of hotpot at that restaurant, better give it a try!

G-Gratitude (how grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?)

- he's definitely aware of everything you do for him, and he's also very grateful that you're with him. he makes sure to let you know that every day.

H-Honesty (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?)

- i think the only time thoma would ever keep something from you on purpose is if it would be somehow dangerous for you to know. other than that, he likes to make sure you're aware of everything you need to be. he likes his privacy like anyone else, but he also values communication.

I-Inspiration (did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?)

- being with you hasn't necessarily changed him (aside from the fact that you two are almost always seen together now) but it's definitely improved his mood a lot, not that it was ever really bad. he also likes to show off more now that you're around...

J-Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?)

- thoma gets jealous relatively easily but is also not one to step in unless it's a situation in which you seem uncomfortable. he trusts you wholeheartedly, which sometimes means he has to keep himself from getting overly worried.

K-Kisses (are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?).

- he's a very good kisser. thoma's kisses are playful and sweet, or alternatively full of reassurance and love. your first kiss was a little rushed and he was a little nervous (not that he'd ever admit that) but he knew it was the right time.

L-Love confession (how would they confess to their s/o?)

- confesses accidentally while watching you do something that's actually pretty normal. you tap him on the shoulder and ask where he wants to go for lunch and he just kinda stares at you and then says "man i love you" and you're like. what. but he plays it off like he TOTALLY MEANT to say that and definitely didn't slip up.

M-Mornings (what's it like waking up with them? do they sleep late or wake up before the sun rises?)

- lazy lazy lazy. thoma knows he has to go to work but why would he do that when you're next to him all curled up into him? he can't just abandon you like that! fortunately the kamisatos are very forgiving, so when he shows up late they don't give him an earful.

N-Nicknames (what do they call their s/o?)

- babe/baby, sunshine, and occasionally sweetheart but usually just to tease you

O-On cloud nine (what are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?)

- when thoma first realizes he's in love with you it hits him like a truck and he has to sit down for a second to process it. after that he hangs around you a lot more often, and it's pretty obvious to anyone watching that he's in love.

P-PDA (how are they with PDA? is it fun to them or are they more reserved with their affection?)

- thoma's comfortable with pda and likes to tease you with it sometimes, unless you're someone who absolutely hates it, in which case he'll settle with handholding. otherwise, he'll give you random light kisses on the cheek or will grab you and pull you into him at random points throughout the day.

Q-Quirk (some random thing they do when they're with you for no reason in particular)

- his nose scrunches when he's trying not to laugh at you, which makes you laugh at him, which makes him laugh at you. congratulations! you have achieved pile of laughter.

R-Romance (how romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?)

- thoma is very romantic and also values friendship with his partner as well. he's sort of a mix between cliché and creative - while he will definitely take you out for a fancy dinner and lend you his jacket, he will also take you out to the lake and push you in or make a date out of who can spot the most dogs on a day out.

S-Support (are they helping their s/o achieve their goals do they believe in them?)

- one hundred percent he believes in you and will do his best to help you achieve any goals you have. ok thats the end of this headcanon i have nothing else to say GHCCN

T-Thrill (do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship or do they prefer certain routine?)

- thoma loves trying new things! he doesn't need things to change constantly (and also that might be very tiring for him) but he does like to switch things up a little.

U-Understanding (how good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?)

- forgot to change it from "good" to "well." WHOOPS. anyway

- thoma is very empathetic, so he's quick to understand how you're feeling, though it'll take him a little longer to understand why it is you're feeling like that. once you explain to him, he knows just what to do, whether it be celebrate with you on a big win or comfort you or give you some space.

V-Value (how important is the relationship to them? What is its worth in comparison to other things in their life?)

- it's SO important to him. having you in his life is one of the most important things to him. he's also been with the kamisatos for a really long time though, so thoma will need a little bit to sort out where his priorities are. rest assured that you're definitely up there.

W-Wild card (a random fluff headcanon?)

- thoma really likes the feeling of you running your fingers through his hair. bonus points if you wash it for him (he'll return the favor)

X-XOXO (Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?)

- if you're ever available for affection, thoma will take advantage of it. he loves being close to you and generally just the feeling of loving and being loved in return, especially when that incorporates physical affection. listen he just really likes being kissed.

Y- Yearning (how will they cope when they are missing their partner?)

- when you're gone thoma will surround himself with things that remind him of you. he'll also occasionally call your name or say things to you absentmindedly before remembering you're not there at present. poor guy... he'll be very happy once you're home.

Z-Zeal (are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind?)

- it depends on the lengths. the worst case scenario for thoma would be if he somehow had to choose between you and his work - that would terrify him, even though there's no way it would ever happen. other than that, since you're way up on his priority list, there's not much that he wouldn't do for you.

[chifuyuzu]

leap of faith — sano manjiro x reader.

word count — 1.3k.

genre — fluff fluff fluff, i love sweet mikey.

contains — cursing, timeskip SPOILERS present, reader is gender neutral.

description — sano manjiro is in love with you, and he realizes how much he loves you at the ass crack of fuckin' dawn.

author's note — hey besties, this is my first published fic here, kinda short but mikey brain rot is heavy. i hope you enjoy this cute fic before i rip your hearts out with some angst in a few days :^) reblogs and likes are always appreciated! and please give me feedback in my inbox! hehe, enjoy.

“it’s late.”

you know. but you still wanted to hear the sound of his voice before bed.

“mm… i missed ya’, is that a crime?” your voice echos through the receiver, the sound of your duvet crinkling in the background as you shift in place. sano manjiro was a busy man. always has been, always will be. being the leader of a biker gang was never easy—let alone some “new age” criminal organization.

you didn’t understand why manjiro persisted to play this game of russian roulette with his life. but it was never your place to overstep, especially since this was his life. it was all he knew, all he understood. you’re not sure what he’s doing, or if he’s even allowed to talk on the phone at this hour, but you still wanted to hear him. just so you know he’s alive and well.

you hear him chuckle, the sound of his feet scurrying against whatever floor his sandals were clacking against. the background noise that accompanied him earlier has dissipated; you realized he probably went outside to hear you better.

“your crime is loving a fool like me way too much. don’t think you’re sane.” he’s right. you’re actually crazy for even pursuing him. there was a lot of push and shove in the beginning, both parties scared of being hurt and getting hurt. but you were always there, even when manjiro went through whatever darkness was eating at his soul.

“crazy for you.”

“corny.”

“you love me.”

a pause. eerie enough to send shivers down your spine. why wasn’t he responding? did something happen? did you smother him too much? is he regretting—

“marry me.”

… not what you were expecting. especially not over the phone.

“sano manjiro, did you just propose over the phone? what kind of shitty rom-com are we in?”

“is that a no?”

“... never said that.” you wanted to marry him. but you wanted him to put that lifestyle behind, for the sake of the family you might have in the future. kids, dogs, cats, etcetera. you wanted him to be in, one hundred percent. but you knew he was too deep into this world to run now—especially since he’s so well-known as the ‘invincible mikey.’ you still longed for a happy home with manjiro, and a normal life.

“maybe you’re right. it’s not my style to ask you this over the phone.”

“try again later. when you’re really ready.”

the gag is, he is ready.

manjiro hurries home, blond locks hidden underneath a thin, black hoodie. he’s shaking, like a pomeranian in the presence of fireworks. his hand meets the left side of his chest, back pressed up against the grey colored wall of your shared apartment as he slides down to sit on the floor. it was four in the morning, and manjiro was about to shit himself.

he gulps, eyes peering around for you, double checking that you were fast asleep before he makes a phone call. his fingers tapped the back of his iphone, impatiently waiting for the other caller to answer. though it was the crack of dawn, he still needed some moral support.

“mikey? fuck you callin’ for at this hour? haven’t heard from you in mo—”

“ken-chin. i’m proposing.”

a loud ‘flop’ rang through the receiver, accompanied by the bedsheets seemingly slipping underneath draken’s feet. it was a huge bomb to drop, especially when the duo has been separated for months on end. manjiro hears more shuffling, followed by a few curses. “you’re fucking lying. the one you’ve been one since—?”

“yeah. i’m crazy as hell. but i love them. head over heels. i’m a goddamn simp.”

“why the hell am i the first to know, man?”

“you’re m’best friend, even if i need to stay away from you. and, also… you’re not the first to know. i asked them already.”

“you WHAT? don’t fuckin’ tell me you did it some dumb way like over the pho— you did. you’re impulsive enough to do it like that, too.” regardless of how long it’s been, draken still knows and understands manjiro like nothing ever happened.

“yeah… not romantic. but i can’t see myself with anyone else. i trust no one else. but i… am…”

“scared? man, you’re the head of a criminal organization. ‘course you’re scared. you don’t want the love of your life… to get hurt…” his voice trails off and manjiro’s heart tenses even more. the memories of the past still felt fresh. all the people they lost in tokyo manji… could never be replaced. not in a million years.

but the living must live.

“i love y/n. never felt like this before. i’d quit everything. but i would have to make sure they’re safe and whatever future we have together is secure. i know i promised takemichi that i’d protect everyone and that future he worked so hard to save… but what about mine?”

manjiro really did sacrifice everything for his friends. being the type of person who carries everyone else’s burdens takes a toll on his mental. he felt selfish for wanting to leave it all behind. but maybe being selfish was beneficial once in a while.

“listen—”

“do you think i’m stupid?”

“mikey. you’re not stupid,” draken sighs, shuffling again in place. “you just want to love someone and be loved in return. nothin’ stupid about that. what is stupid though, is you proposing over the damn phone.”

he’s not wrong. it was a spur of the moment decision that could drastically change his life forever. but with you, he doesn’t care. as long as you’re his, forever.

“how do you think i should do it?”

“well. i guess, tell me some sappy shit. how do you feel about them, and whatnot.”

“i don’t think i could ever imagine me with anyone else. a lot of people have tried to grab my attention but i only have eyes for y/n. sometimes when shit gets real hard…” manjiro takes a deep sigh, fingers threading through his hair, tilting back the hood to let it fall onto his back. “i think of y/n and i remember that even in this shit world, someone is here for me. someone cares about me. they make me feel like i’m not alone anymore.

i have dreams ‘bout us, y’know? me and y/n… kids running around. a little mikey clone. pissin’ them off because we want little flags on our meals. going to the park and letting kids be kids. maybe i’ll teach ‘em at a dojo like gramps did for me and my siblings. maybe i’ll teach ‘em about bikes—with your help, of course.”

draken laughs, letting his friend continue his little speech as he gets comfortable in bed again. don’t think i’ve ever seen mikey like this, ever, draken muses.

“man, we can own a whole zoo if we wanted. chifuyu could hook us up, in secret, of course. still have to protect everyone,” manjiro is grinning from ear to ear, head resting against the wall. “i wanna grow old with them. honestly, i didn’t think i’d make it to my twenties. more so, i didn’t want to live past twenty-something. but now… things are different. wanna be old and gray. see grandkids terrorize our children. die together.”

the tension in manjiro’s chest has faded away, only left with warmth that only you could bring him. his free hand reaches into his pocket to fumble with a small box, snapping it open to reveal the engagement ring his grandfather handed down to him.

he wasn’t the marrying type. but for you, he was.

“that all? you sound good like that, man. make an exception and let us come to the wedding.”

manjiro wants that more than anything. his friends, you... all safe. all happy. but again, the fear creeps up. he doesn’t know what to do with himself if any of you get hurt.

“... how do i tell y/n that?”

“you already have.” your voice makes him jump, knocking the velvet box out of his fingers and onto the hardwood floor. his face pales, followed by a huge lump forming at his throat when he sees your figure emerge from your shared bedroom.

“i-uh… i thought you were a-asleep.” manjiro mumbles, earning a huge laugh from draken on the other side. he hears him say something along the lines of ‘my cue to leave. good luck. send me an invite.’

“i was waiting for you.” 

he’s sweating now, a small bead forming at the base of his neck. his phone is now at his side, the screen flashing from draken’s caller id to the lockscreen photo of you on your first date together, a few years back. your eyes zone into the box, though.

“i was going to do this… better. god, i fucked up, huh?”

you’re laughing now, rubbing your tired eyes before you join him near the wall, picking up the box. “what makes you think that, dummy?”

now he’s confused. you wanted him to ask when he was serious, but in his head, serious meant rose petals, candles, someone singing celine dion in the distance.

without a word, you slip the ring onto its appropriate finger, holding up to the small rays of sunlight that peaked through the window from the approaching sunrise. manjiro’s hands fly up to your face, holding his whole world in his hands. his eyes are shiny, on the brink of tears. you nudge your noses together, foreheads connecting tenderly. your hands hooked onto the hem of his hoodie, bringing his frame closer as you whisper a soft ‘yes.’

“yes?”

“yes, i’ll marry you.”

manjiro’s lips curl up into the silliest grin you’ve ever seen him sport, before he presses a soft kiss to your lips. now he’s kissing you quite desperately. as if he’s trying to make sure you’re real, that this isn’t a dream. you feel his words vibrate against your lips, “gonna make you so happy, i promise. i love you. i love you so, so much.”

“forevermore.”

“forever yours.”