#and i really want to know because i want to compare dimensions and stuff

[the-irrelevant-trumpeter]

is it weird to email a film & tv studio just to find out which stage a show was filmed on

[artistic-m3nace]

ok so to reference this post (because I didn't want to hijack op's post to talk about my own stories), the fun thing about fiction is that when it comes to transitioning, you can make the process whatever you want, and I've tried to have fun with it for Broken Dimensions.

Tartarus especially got all the fancy transitioning worldbuilding stuff when I was working on that aspect of BrDim. I have a slightly NSFW infographic I need to refine that I'd like share eventually (NSFW along the lines of like, artistic nudity and nudity for education purposes) but to summarize: it's magic.

No literally, it's magic! Most things in Broken Dimensions are magic, or if they're not, they're technologically advanced, such is the nature of SFF yk, but this! This was fun to design, ok.

Bascially, the god of True Self and creativity (across fields; not just artistic creativity but invention and science etc, basically innovation), Jacinthe, thought Tartarus was super cool when it entered the multiversial stage and made a home for themselves there. They immediately became a massive hit with all these queer people within Revolution-era Tartarus, especially central, central northern, and western Tartarus. Jacinthe thinks this is great, and starts blessing people and getting really into a lot of their research and the development of their culture and one of the most common complaints they (Jacinthe) receives is that, at this point in Tartarun history, they don't have the medical technology to assist in health transitions. Sex reassignment surgery is really risky, even with the extreme prevalence and skill of Tartarun mage healers. HRT is tricky because Tartaruns don't necessarily have the same kinds of hormones as human and can't use standard human/Shade HRT treatments without modification, which makes it costly...

Basically, it's hard AF to be a trans person in Tartarus IF you want to medically transition (folks who don't want to medically transition don't have as much of an issue here, but they're still being pretty vocal about the issue for their community members who do).

So Jacinthe gets this really smug little idea, because this is during the Great Silence and a lot the other gods aren't doing their jobs maintaining universal balance, and so Jacinthe goes to her cool new followers with this sneaky little grin and, like Prometheus introducing fire to humanity, goes "hey... you guys want to know something cool?"

And they just. Give the Tartaruns some arcane magic knowledge and this epic group of scientist mages create the first transition potion for trans Tartaruns. It's basically a very, very specific shapeshifting potion that also modifies your biology. It takes a while, but after a set period of time using the potion a given user will be their desired sex fully, biologically, wahoo.

Now, the great thing about this is that its customizable to every individual.

Don't want to fully become your target sex? Want to retain some aspects of your assigned sex at birth? Great! Talk to you doctor and your representative at the dedicated healthcare-temple-thing for trans people and they'll help you get where you want to be.

Want to reverse some things later? Cool, they can arrange that too (this is, however, relatively high-stress for the body. So either a somewhat length waiting period is suggested, or any kind of reversal process needs to happen more incrementally than the initiation process. Folks who go YEARS, even centuries (because Tartaruns have a lifespan of ~500 years) between transitioning their first and second (or more) times don't have to worry about this as much)

They also develop an individualized puberty blocker potion, that does the same things as tradition chemical puberty blockers, but without the tricky human-specific hormones available across the multiverse. It's pretty sick.

Then eventually this practice leaves Tartarus and expands to an interdimensional healthcare practice, and it gets improved on and added to over time, and all that. By Era 10, when most of the stories I write in BrDim happen, the process is pretty well streamlined.

---

Note: you can also petition a given godly patron to just like. Change your body to match your brain. But this is usually a one-time only thing, and since people change and gender is fluid, this isn't always a great solution. Jacinthe did this for a while too in Tartarus, but later decided that giving the mortals their own way to handle themselves was better than themselves, one single (beyond-the-binary) god, handling it all.

---

But yeah I just. I wish I could do that. I basically designed a transition system/process that I wish I could do. Like, I wish it wasn't a big deal to medically transition for those of us who want that. Instead, in many places in the US we're still required to go through years of therapy to be considered for HRT, for reassignment surgery, even for social transition things like name changes.

Like it's one thing to have people's longterm health in mind, and on one hand I understand the requirement to have therapy before having sex reassignment surgery and stuff like that to ensure its not like the consequence of mental health issue (i.e. not being trans). But on the other hand, that's fucking bullshit because most trans people know we're trans and we know what we need to be happy.

And ofc the system is rigged against us, and even if its not classified as such, there are still many medical professionals who treat being trans like a mental illness. That's a huge reason shit is so hard to do.

And god I just wish it wasn't yknow? I wish there was a support system and healthcare options surrounding the transition process, and that society didn't actively work against us.

So I made one.

At least my characters get my dream, yk?

[theniftycat]

What other Neil Gaiman work might you like?

The biggest thing to know about Neil Gaiman is that each work of his is a mixture of horror, fantasy, and subtle comedy.

That being said, each of his projects is pretty distinct from one another and there might be some that are more up to your tastes than others.

I haven't read some of his newer stuff (because I largely stopped reading as much since the early 2010s), but I'll do my best to remember what matters in other works.

Horror

The Sandman is a great work for horror fans. It's also great for mythology fans and other nerds, but horror is a major push and pull factors.

The comic is probably the greatest body of work Gaiman produced and it's recommended if you're a goth at heart and are comfortable with themes of death and humans being gods' toys.

The Sandman (TV) is a great adaptation, but it's very short so far and doesn't cover the best stories.

Coraline is a horror story for children. It doesn't have anything that's not suitable for kids, but it can be viscerally scary to some people. Both the book and the film are great.

Mirrormask is my personal favourite, it's a low budget film with mindblowing surreal imagery and one of the best soundtracks ever.

It's about a teenage girl who has troubles with her parents (who run a circus, btw) and who gets swiped up by her imagination into a bizarre world that is being eaten by her depression. Not a scary film, per se, but it's disturbing. However, it's a very warm film and it always makes me feel better.

Fantasy

Neverwhere is set in a dimension of twisted London Underground where everything that's straightforward in our world becomes weird and too real.

It really tickled my imagination, I highly recommend the book.

Stardust is set in a more high fantasy setting.

It features kings, witches, ghosts, and a star that fell to the Earth. It has a young protagonist who's not exactly the best or the brightest person, so if you hate such things, stick to the adaptation. In my opinion, the book is just lovely.

American Gods is a darker fantasy that asks the questions: "What if every god people ever believed in became real through the power of their worship? And then what if that worship started fading?"

It's set in the USA and because that country is such a melting pot, there are many gods. And not all of them are happy. This is the book that gave Neil Gaiman his reputation of a writer who loves weird sex scenes.

Humour

Stardust the film is often compared to Princess Bride. It's lighthearted, funny, full of imaginative adventures.

Just a very nice film with an all-star cast.

Anansi Boys is a spin off of American Gods, but it's a lot more lighthearted.

Anansi is a trickster god, so you know things will get funky.

I haven't read The Graveyard Book and The Ocean at the End of the Lane yet, but I hear they're very good as well.

Also, short story collections or Norse Mythology might be a good place to start if you want to get a feel of Neil Gaiman as an author first.

[loveinhawkins]

“Still super jealous as hell by the way,” Eddie says; Steve laughs, elbows him in the chest—disguising a want to touch by shoving him away.

There’s a brief flash of warmth against his skin before Eddie teeters back.

He stays close though, dances in and out of Steve’s space as they walk, almost close enough to…

“D’you know what’s adding an extra layer of, uh…” Eddie clicks his fingers then says with relish, “Of batshit insanity to everything?”

“No,” Steve says, and he feels a smile growing; he couldn’t fight it even if he tried. He doesn’t want to. “But I’m sure you’re gonna tell me.”

“My, uh. One of my favourite games as a kid was… uh well, it didn’t really have a name, it was more—”

“No jump rope for you?” Steve asks in mock surprise.

Eddie snorts. “Nah, nothing as normal as that, Harrington, honestly. Kid me was a visionary.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” Steve says.

The words hover in the space between teasing and genuine; he means both, of course.

“At, um. When I was at my dad’s.”

Eddie’s smile flickers, and Steve tries to fill in the gaps: has vague memories of middle school halfway through one year, of murmured interest, you seen the new kid? He just moved here.

“Our place backed onto some woods, and I’d just… kinda wander.”

Eddie scoffs—his foot makes an aborted motion as he walks, like he’d gone to absentmindedly kick a twig and thought better of it.

Better safe than sorry, Steve thinks. Hive mind and all that.

“So your favourite game was wandering?” he prompts when Eddie goes quiet.

A tease again. Softer. Really means you can tell me. I want to know.

He wonders if Eddie can hear it.

“Well, when you put it like that, it sounds shit. And it was more, like, active up in…” Eddie taps his temple. “I’d just… uh. Pretend the woods were haunted, stuff like that.”

“Oh,” Steve says, amusement growing. “So all this,” he gestures to the vines and trees, to the fog creeping along the forest floor, “is real immersive for you, then. Got it.”

“Um, no,” Eddie says, and his voice is going up into that wobbly tone that only comes from suppressing genuine, ugly laughter. “The stuff in my head was gothic, Harrington. It had class.”

“God, man, I’m sorry. Is the alternate dimension not living up to your expectations?”

“I’m gonna make a complaint.”

“Yeah, do it in writing. Make it professional.”

“To whom it may concern,” Eddie starts, all comically snooty.

Steve laughs.

And Eddie’s up close again, grinning, and Steve presses the side of his forearm up against his chest; the moment lingers, until Eddie moves back, until Steve drops his arm a fraction too late.

“I’ve found the experience provided—”

Steve snorts. “Experience?”

“—thoroughly lacking in both atmosphere and charm. I expect appropriate compensation as soon as possible.”

“Tell you what,” Steve says, “show me a picture of your haunted woods when we’re outta here. I wanna see how they compare.”

“Um,” Eddie says through the tail end of a chuckle. He sounds embarrassed. “I don’t have… My dad, uh, he wasn’t exactly the kinda guy to take a lot of pictures, y’know?”

And Steve doesn’t know—or at least, he thinks he doesn’t.

What he does know is that in the back of a cabinet there’s an old baby book: he can tell exactly when his grandma first began to get sick—and when everything else went to shit—because the milestone entries stop a third of the way through.

He doesn’t mention it. He can’t find the words, not here, not now—even if he could, he’s worried it’d sound a clumsy, weak comparison at best, self-centred at worst.

So he waits. Feels when the abrupt silence becomes less heavy.

“Did you, like, do speeches to yourself in the game, too?”

Eddie gives him a sideways, bemused look. “Maybe.”

Steve pretends to mull it over. Nods. “Yeah, figures.”

A pause.

“Uh, hold on,” Eddie says, chuckling again, like he’s been surprised into it. “You can’t just leave it there, man, you—”

“Nah, it’s just.” Steve smothers a grin. “Just fits you, that’s all. Like, you would’ve dramatically narrated your own birth if you could, I know it.”

Eddie laughs hard; he nearly drops his flashlight.

“You’re funny,” he says eventually, still smiling.

“Oh, sorry,” Steve quips back, “was I not supposed to be? Ruined your doctrine again?”

“No, just—” Eddie laughs again. Sighs. “Just timing, man. Wish I was finding out in a more, uh, low stakes kinda way. Like…”

His eyes go a little far-off, and for a second Steve can see that kid in him, the one who kept himself company in his own imagination.

“Like we’re just walking past the lockers, or something.”

“Yeah,” Steve says, with probably more feeling than it strictly calls for. “Anything beats these goddamn vines.”

He could add that there is no ideal timing, really: that if there’s one thing he’s learned throughout all this, it’s that there’s hardly ever time to dwell on things. It’s more do or die.

Besides, he thinks, you could wait all your life for a perfect moment, and it still passes you—

The earth trembles.

Eddie sways; Steve lunges to the side so Eddie falls backwards, away from a nearby vine. He tries to plant his feet, realises he’s inevitably going down, too, and course corrects.

Falls.

Feels the rise and fall of Eddie’s chest against his hand.

“M’definitely filing that complaint,” Eddie says breathlessly.

He turns so he’s facing Steve. Stays close.

They’ve both dropped their flashlights. The effect is dazzling—Eddie’s face is illuminated, eyes bright.

No atmosphere, my ass, Steve thinks.

“You okay?” he murmurs.

“Y-yeah,” Eddie says—gasps, really. Steve feels how his breathing shakes.

There’s barely a disguise now; they’re both leaning in.

And for a moment, they’re not here at all; they’re just at school, hiding by the lockers.

Then again…

Maybe it could only happen here.

Maybe wandering—maybe everything—has been leading up to this: the moment before a chance taken.

[sabrondabrainrot]

Bring back LAES!

I'm steadily making progress on catching up on sun and moon show along with foxy and monty etc etc but it's pretty difficult when one of the main key plot lines is gone. I know a few spoilers thanks to fanfiction but I want to see the drama in person.

Here's some outfit ideas for tsams cause I'm a sucker for fashion and redesigns!

Order is, SolarFlare - Lunar - NewMoon - Old Moon - Sunny (Solar's dimension) - Sun

closeups and more brainrot under the cut!

Explaining my redesigns! Lunar - he's not really a redesign and more so an overdesign. I love adding tons of little details to him to really hammer home his star-ness. He's such an interesting little guy, like yes he acts childish but I can see he's really growing (SAD I CANT WATCH MORE CAUSE THE SHOW IS GONE). I saw the ep he killed Eclipse and homeboy revived. The entire time I was like "Waaahh Lunar??? Waaahhh???" but I love the drama ngl.

SolarFlare - Same as Lunar, not really a redesign I just drew him with no dirt. I really love his base design it's so neat it makes me think of like sci-fi concepts from the 80's. Something from fallout really. I think it's kind of funny Eclipse's aesthetics for SolarFlare when you compare him next to say Jack who Solar designed.

OldMoon - I just wanted to give him a sleek mad scientist cool guy suave vibe. I saw the more recent thumbnails of him with a turtle neck and idk that's just peak character design for me. I'm a simple woman put the dumb-dumb in a dark turtleneck. I want him to kind of look like the BadGuy TM (he's not actually) so he gets all edgy and hard edges and stuff.

NewMoon - I wanted to do a similar color scheme but instead he has lighter colors like more white incorporated into his fit. To give him the whole 'reborn' aesthetic. He's all like "old moon wore black well I wear white now I'm nothing like him so hah!" kinda thinking. I gave his cap a fur texture cause of that one ep he turned into a furry. I drew rounder stuff on him cause he's a big ol' softy sweety pie.

Sunny - Sunny is my headcanon of Sun from Solar's dimension. I think it's really interesting his default with no personality was theater performance and not say...doing daycare stuff? I feel like honoring the FNAF books with this design by leaning heavily into the theater performer look. I like to think in Solar's dimension Sun and Moon were originally made for theater. (so far in the show I've noticed Creator says 'they needed a daycare attendant' something like that so it comes off more like they were intended for the daycare from the start VS. Solar's dimension where Sunny's core seems to be more so for the performing arts.) I also wanted to make Sunny look different from Sun for the extra angst potential of "They're similar but not the same" so I leaned more into a blue palette for him.

Sun - I just wanted to give him big puffy everything. I took away the tutu. nothing against the tutu I just hate drawing the damn thing. I like to think Sun in main has white eyes because he's so burnt out from within. *badum tish* (eyes are the window to the soul-) I also covered him in stickers because he totally would just be covered in stickers from the kids. I also decided to give some of his rays cracks because I think he's extremely sentimental and even in a newly upgraded body (after using star power to defeat Eclipse the first time) he'd keep rays from his original body? I also put the cracks ones on the side of his face where Old Moon hit him. Why? Because it just seems like something Sun would do. I love him so.

Ok just some brainrot stuff, look away to avoid spoilers .

RUIN DESTROYED HOW MANY DIMENSIONS?? SOLARS DEAD. LUNAR KILLED ECLIPSE. DARK SUN IS PLOTTING??? MOON BE CRYING??? Also Francine just had a birthday! ONE OF THE BLOODMOON BOYS ARE DEAD AND SAME WITH ONE OF THE STITCHY BOYS??? HELLO?!?

I love the drama.

Also, I love how every single kid vibe checks Sun and he passes every time. Francine? She loves Sun and learns from him. FC? He ONLY feels safe with Sun for a bit. Barry? He hugged Sun after gonad checking him (a right of passage for the bunny kid). Jack? I'm pretty sure he literally is just one room away from Sun at all times (he also calls Sun's cats his master???). I have yet to see Dazzle, but Dazzle 10000% loves Sun (I've seen the edits).

ALSO? When Lunar was first brought into the family the first person he hugged was Sun and then later on when Earth was in danger he ran into SUN's arms for safety/comfort. They're family your honor.

Sobbing and Crying laying on the floor over Solar's death but I think he'll be back.

Also the molten thing with Ruin? I'm excited to see more.

I don't have a youtube account to post about saving LAES but if anyone wants me to draw more LAES just to help the community please let me know. I'm planning to draw my idea of Earth next.

[bet-on-me-13]

My Dad can beat up your dad

Imagine if Ellie joined the Teen Titans (Cartoon Version)

When Trigon attacks, everybody is freaking out because how are they going to stop him? Raven is a kid, there are no other magic users around, and the Justice League is off world (idk what the canon reason is)

But Ellie is strangely calm

She mentions that her dad may be able to help, or at least be able to hold him back long enough for them to get help

Robin: How is your Dad going to stop THAT!

Ellie: Well, you know how I'm half ghost?

BB: Yeah?

Ellie: Ans you know how that one time the ghost we fought called me "Princess"?

Cyborg: yeah...

Ellie: Well the thing is, they weren't lying. My dad is the King of a Dimension called the Infinite Realms, and while he is young for a King he is still powerful.

So she calls in her dad, who is sporting the classic Ghost King Redesign, and he goes to hold Trigon back as the team comes up with a plan.

I don't like the "Insanely OP Danny" stuff too much, so for this let's just say that Danny can grow in size to be comparable to Trigon, and they have a Giant Kaiju battle in the middle of Jump City. He doesn't win, but he manages to hold on long enough for Raven to finish the Job

Also i really want Danny to start doting on Ellie, like really excited that he gets to meet his daughters friends and all that. He even pulls out some embarrassing Baby Photos from that time Ellie was reverted to her actual age.

Once he hears about Raven being Trigons daughter, he adopts her on the spot.

Raven suddenly has a new Dad, Sister, Brother (reformed dan), Aunt, Grandma and Grandpa (good parents jack and maddie) and maybe a new mom (Sam? Val? 3rd person?)

Basically I just wanted a "Kaiju Danny vs Kaiju Trigon" fight

[weirdsht]

My Beautiful Stranger, My Soulmate - Cale/Fem! Reader

notes: for some reason i have a thing for continued love, maybe the reason why i'm single is because my soulmate is in another timeline/dimension /hj ... anyways this was the fic that i've wanted to write for the longest time but had no time for hehe

tags: female reader, novel spoilers (KRS' past and some war stuff), angst? not sure, continued love-esc, told in Cale's pov, one-sided admiration, strangers, Cale is whipped, mentions of abuse

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are currently closed but my ask are still open (read pinned)

Buy Me Dessert

Navigation Masterlist

Everyone wants to have something constant in their life. Something that would keep them grounded. Something that would give them a sense of normalcy when everything else feels crazy. 

For most, a person will be their constant and their pillar. Choosing a loved one in their life that supports and cares for them. Just someone they can go through during the tough times in their life.

Kim Rok Soo’s case is the same… for the most part, that is.

The difference that sets him apart from the average person is the fact that his constant person is a stranger.

He knows what she looks like. Knows her mannerisms. Has seen her for almost his entire life.

Yet he doesn’t know her name. Doesn’t know what her speaking voice sounds like. Has never had a personal interaction with her. 

Is this considered to be a type of parasocial relationship? Maybe, but Rok Soo can’t be bothered to find out.

Kim Rok Soo’s first interaction with his constant was when he was a child. During the short while of his life where he was happy, complete. When his loving parents are still alive. That was the first time he saw her.

It was during daycare. The daycare is separated into morning and afternoon sessions. His parents had enrolled him for the morning sessions.

At first, he didn’t want to go. Even as a kid he had preferred the peace his house could offer compared to socializing with the outside world. But alas, it wasn’t like he had a choice, his parents had already enrolled him so he had to go. Plus either way, he has to attend school sooner or later.

That’s why he goes, albeit reluctantly. He participates in whatever antics the teachers/caretaker does even when all he wants to do is go back home. For him, daycare was extremely tiring.

However, all that tiredness was wiped away when dismissal arrived. And no, it wasn’t just because he was excited to see his parents and go back home.

It was actually because of the girl he saw. She was a cute kid, wearing a cute dress with her hair tied in those typical twin-tailed hairstyles girls her age would have. Rok Soo didn’t see her in daycare so she must be part of the afternoon session.

Since then, he looked forward to attending daycare just to catch a glimpse of her during dismissal.

Unfortunately, Kim Rok Soo’s life took a turn for the worse at such a young age. Tragedy had befallen upon him. His parents died and his uncle is a piece of shit that hits children. It was no surprise that he had forgotten about that pretty girl in daycare.

The universe seems to not want him to forget though.

Because then why else would he see her again in the playground he runs to whenever his uncle's house is too much? Why else she be there when they were far from the town where Rok Soo attended daycare?

‘It must be fate’

That’s what little Rok Soo thinks to himself as he watches her and her friends play on the monkey bars. He just watches them from inside the castle fortress thing that no one ever uses. The sand underneath him served as his cushion.

Sometimes he wants to join, he wants to befriend her too. But he isn’t really one for moving around, for playing such physically tiring games. Even if he was, his injuries from his beatings are stopping him from doing so. Hence why he was content with playing with the sand beneath his feet while watching her laugh as she tried to not get caught by her friend during a round of tag.

Despite what Rok Soo says, his constant isn’t as steady in his life as he wants her to be. There are long periods of his life where he wouldn’t see her.

Which was why he was internally overjoyed when he saw her not only taking the same bus as him but also going to the same library. They seem to have the same schedule, and the same free time allocated for reading books in the library. The library and the novels they held were already Rok Soo’s safe space, his constant’s presence only made it more heavenly.

Kim Rok Soo knows that his constant doesn’t know who he is. Even if he remembers seeing her almost every day, in her perspective he was just a random, faceless stranger.

However, sometimes there are incidents where he would think otherwise. Is he being delusional? Absolutely, but who would call him out? The voices in his head? His already used to blocking them out.

One incident was after the day she didn’t go to the library. Rok Soo was a bit concerned as this was the first time she skipped her usual library session. The next day after that, someone had left a canned drink on his desk. It’s the drink she usually buys from the vending machine. As a matter of fact, Rok Soo had never seen anyone else pick that drink except for her.

So sue him for being delusional, but that was definitely from his constant.

When the cataclysm started, Kim Rok Soo was sure he would never see her again.

But the universe had other plans.

No matter what happens, fate seems to be pulling them together. Intertwining their destinies.

Kim Rok Soo should be happy and should be overjoyed that he gets to see her.

However, he isn’t.

In fact, he wished he hadn’t seen her.

For maybe then he could’ve lived in ignorant bliss.

“Hurry and go! I’ll hold things down over here!”

Rok Soo’s constant commanded firmly. This is the first time he has heard her speak, and god does she sound heavenly. However, this isn’t the time for this. The eclipse is still happening, barrage after barrage of monsters is still coming after every shelter.

Still, he can’t help but admire her for a second. She’s so strong, so cool, so put together.

He just wishes she hadn’t been so selfless.

The skinny man couldn’t help but hold onto the hem of his clothes. Staring at her as if begging her to come with him using his eyes.

“I’ll be fine. You should go first, I’ll follow soon.”

Lies

Kim Rok Soo knows that she won’t be following them anytime soon. He is well-aware of the fact that after this the next time he would be reunited with her is in the afterlife.

That’s why he tries to convince her even though he knows he will ultimately fail.

Years passed after that and Kim Rok Soo never saw his constant again. How could he when she passed away? When she sacrificed herself for his sake and others.

Despite the accumulation of the time and people Rok Soo met, he never forgot her. He could never forget her. Sometimes he would just sit in silence, remembering how her voice sounded. Relishing the first and last words she spoke to him.

This did not change even after he became a team leader. As a matter of fact, the only change is that now he’s mourning for three people, instead of one.

His longing for her was strong. It did not disappear even after becoming Cale Henituse. He would still think of her despite turning over a new leaf, literally turning over a new life.

Cale longs to hold her again. This time not just the hem of her clothing but her hand. He wishes to have a proper conversation with her. Longs to ask her why she likes that canned drink that no one else drinks so much.

He longs to get to know her outside of the things he has observed. Wants to be the cause of her smile, and not merely watch others do it in his stead.

But alas, he couldn’t.

For not only is she dead, but his in another world.

Or at least that’s what he thought until he saw a familiar face standing up for him during the noble's meeting.

“Personally, I think we should just be grateful to Commander Cale Henituse. If it weren’t for him and his people then our kingdom would be in graver danger that we would not even be able to conduct such a meeting.”

She looked exactly how Cale remembered her. Her voice still has that same firmness in it, telling everyone in the room how she also wields power despite being younger than all of them.

“That’s correct young master. However, there are still some things that should be addressed. Such as that necromancer–”

“She has a name, it’s Mary. And she’s not a mere necromancer, she’s a revered hero of our kingdom. One of the people who had defended our kingdom from the Indomitable Alliance.”

Cale didn’t know he could fall deeper after all these years, but he just did.

“Due all respect my lady, but you are still young. I think your emotions are getting the best of you. Mind you that you are not even the heir of your household.”

The ugly noble tried to retaliate to which Cale’s constant only raised her eyebrows at.

“Oh my, how disgraceful… A noble pulling the age card just because his nearing his expiry age. Now forgive my disrespect, but you started it first… How dare you look down on me, the top 1% contributor to this Kingdom’s economy? I have built a name for myself outside of my family’s influence while all you have is your family’s standing. And emotional? Really? Of course, I’m emotional, the lives of our citizens are at stake and all you mongrels seem to care more about powerplay like the hungry bastards you all are. Is it because you’re not on the front lines? Is it because you think you can do what Commander Cale Henituse did? Then I dare you to do so at this very moment. Go to the frontlines and defend this kingdom you all claim to love very much!”

A deafening silence followed the young woman’s speech. Even Alberu had to take a double take. Everyone is tense, they don’t know what to say. Can’t refute what she said.

“I’m sorry for my outburst, Your Highness, Commander Cale. I simply cannot tolerate such disrespect when you are pulling most of the weight during these trying times. Please, let us proceed with our original agenda.”

Her poise never left her, even as she tore down every noble inside the room. Contrarily, the more she speaks, the more it looks as though she also possesses Dominating Aura.

At her insistence, the meeting got back on track. Most of the nobles were already silenced because of her, Alberu and Cale only had to deliver the finishing blow before wrapping everything up.

Once everything was done and settled Cale made plans to talk to his constant. Get to know her name, and finally interact with her. He knows that in her eyes his just a stranger. Someone who has no personal connections with her. But that doesn’t stop the redhead. He can always start forging their connection right here, right now.

He’ll do anything to not let her slip from his grasp once again.

And so the commander slithers his way towards where she is. He already had it all planned out; he’ll start the conversation by thanking her for standing up in Mary’s defence before asking for her name, and then he’ll let things flow naturally from there.

Despite running the simulations in his head, the only thing he could do once he was face to face with her was standing there. Face marred with shock and mouth unable to form words?

The cause?

Oh nothing much, it’s just because of her greeting.

“It’s nice to finally meet my beautiful stranger from Earth whose name I still don’t know. I’m [Name] [Lastname], may I know Commander Cale Henituse’s Earth name?”

[messrmoonyy]

- you sunshine, you temptress

Tess Servopoulos x Female reader

Request- already in like Jackson, and so Ellie and Joel live together but Tess doesn’t. They’re new in town so they’re still not used to the whole nice civilized thing, but the reader is her nice neighbor who wears her down. She plants stuff and even like cooks for tess. But she’s not a wimp either, very skilled with guns and stuff. Just a fic where they meet and like reader takes care of Tess. Smut too if you want

A/N- I took this request and ran with it. It took me a long ass time I apologise but I do really like how this turned out. It became far more angsty than I’m sure you wanted it to be but. Here we are. I wanted to explore an idea that Tess didn’t like Jackson and took time to adjust, didn’t really like reader as well. Tess leaning to adjust and love and be loved. Also in transferring this over none of my italics saved and I could’nt be fucked to go back through this again and add them back lmao

Warnings- 18+ | tess is quite low for the majority of this, canon compliant discussions of death and violence, vague/ implied smut (wc- 13.2k )

Tess masterlist | AO3 - Tess requests are open but not currently top priority

SPRING

Tess didn’t like Jackson. Not at first. The drastic change from Boston to the nomadic lifestyle she had been living with Ellie and Joel as they crossed the country had been difficult enough. But to then transfer to something so wildly different from both of those things? Yeah. It took some getting used to.

She didn’t quite know what she had been expecting really. Maybe something like Boston but without the soldiers. Small pockets of people doing their own things to get by, together for safety but nothing much else. Not the working, thriving town she had walked into. Not the cleanliness, the stores, the diner, the hot water- that apparently was only a little temperamental in the colder months compared to year round like Boston- and clean clothes. Jobs. Families. Farming. She felt like she was in an alternate dimension.

She didn’t like the way everyone was so… cheerful. Which was a weird thing to say, but it was true. Because it threw her off.

She had developed her own bubble of happiness with Joel and Ellie over the months. They laughed together at Ellie’s shitty jokes, shared in her joy when she found a can of ravioli she liked. But would be stoney faced in an instant to protect each other. Joel and Ellie she loved like family, they were her family. She was used to warm smiles from them, a desire to be near her and talk to her. She wasn’t used to it from others.

Other people were scared of her. They moved out of her way and they did as she asked. They kept their heads down in case they upset her and they didn’t cross her path. But not in Jackson. No.

They smiled at her in the street, asked her how she was, said good morning.

And it spooked her. She didn’t like it. And she hated that she didn’t. That she had become so hardened that genuine kindness scared her. Because no one was kind anymore. No one showed care unless they wanted something else in return.

So she didn’t know how to take it. She wasn’t entirely sure what to do with the new found trust people had in her, their ease at having her around. To her surprise Joel didn’t seem to be struggling as much. He had Tommy back after all and that seemed to be easing his discomfort. Ellie was fitting in… kinda. Her colourful vocabulary and brashness had put some of the kids off at first. But they seemed to be warming to her now.

So it was just her. Trapped in some odd isolated headspace where she didn’t quite know what to do. She didn’t mention it to Joel, didn’t want to interfere with him and Tommy as they rebuilt their relationship again. Maria had tried to pull Tess into things more, and Tess liked her. Maria didn’t take shit, she had power and was in charge. People respected her. And she didn’t let Tess mope around for too long either.

But even Maria couldn’t quite pull her out of that disconnected state completely.

Part of her felt she was being ungrateful. She was alive and as safe as anyone could possibly hope to be in the current climate. Joel was alive. Ellie was alive. She was alive. But there was just… something.

Maybe a sick part of her missed it. Missed Boston. But then again maybe it wasn’t so sick. She hadn’t liked Boston really. But spending so long in one place would always make it hard to leave behind. Even the things she had so often complained about. She found she couldn’t even sleep on her new bed, Jackson having been looked after for so long that the mattress was actually still soft. She was too used to the lumpy one in the zone, and sleeping on the ground for months.

She’d been sleeping on the couch since she’d arrived. If she even managed to sleep at all, unable to fall asleep on the soft sheets and bed.

She missed her power too. Got tetchy when she thought about who was running operations back in the zone now. Who was living in her and Joel’s apartment, had they found their stash? Who was selling her shit and walking around like she had? She had to remind herself she shouldn’t care. That wasn’t her life anymore. It never would be again. Boston was a distant memory she needed to put to rest.

But it was difficult.

The new house felt too big. The town too clean. The people too nice. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do with herself. She mildly regretted living separately from Joel. Just out of… familiarity. She wasn’t used to such an open space to herself. Even before the outbreak the house she had shared with her husband and son hadn’t been so big. And she had had two other bodies to fill the space.

In Boston that tiny apartment she had had Joel to fill the gaps.

But she knew she couldn’t impose on him any longer. Joel was handsome and mellowing. He would no doubt find someone in town… and she couldn’t be the one to stand in the way of that. Especially seeing as she herself had no desire to go there. Their relationship had always been purely platonic and she had no intention of changing that.

So when Maria had asked, she had taken her own place. Ellie had taken the garage. They all had their own space. But those two seemed far better at living in it than she was.

It had taken that stark shift though for her to realise that maybe she simply wasn’t made for being alone. She had met her husband in college. They had moved in together immediately after, and had their son young. Then she’d fallen into the group heading for Boston, met Joel… she’d never really been alone.

Though she also wasn’t particularly doing anything to change that either. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. Back in Boston she’d get lonely from time to time, would go out and pick someone up with ease. Now? She didn’t know where that confidence had gone.

She felt people looking at her when she ventured out. She knew she wasn’t exactly unattractive, she knew people liked to look. But she had no desire to pursue. She didn’t even entertain them for a second. And they all grew bored of trying and moved on.

Everyone was friendly enough, but some kept their distance when they realised she wasn’t the… happiest of people. But one person didn’t let the permanent frown glued to Tess’ face deter them.

You.

You lived across the street from her, would wave hello every morning when Tess ventured out to find out what tasks Maria had to keep her busy for the day. You’d smile. You’d say hello. You even left her things on the porch.

And you liked flowers.

She gathered that pretty quickly. The window boxes were full, potted bushes and blooms littered your porch and edge of the dirt path street. It made her own place look incredibly dull. But maybe that was fitting.

She’d never been one for flowers. So expensive for them to just sit and wilt away in a vase, to be left with nothing but some crisped petals and dead stems within a week. So amongst the sandwiches and pies left at her door, the odd flowering embellishments she knew came from you.

A lot of people in town left stuff for her and Joel, to welcome them. To give them things they needed. She didn’t like accepting any of it. She didn’t like the feeling of… owing people. Feeling like they would have a hold over her, that they had given her a new jacket so now she owed them something. That you had left her a pie so now you were owed something too.

So she left the majority of it exactly where it was placed on the porch, Maria being the one to bring them inside for her.

“ You are gonna attract every damn animal in town if you keep leaving this stuff on your porch Tess “ Maria used as a greeting when Tess opened the door one morning, seeing the woman standing there with what seemed to be a loaf in her hands “ and wasting food? Really? Especially this? Now this looks delicious. Still warm too “ Tess scoffed but before she could speak she heard your voice.

“ Good morning Maria! Good morning Tess! “ she looked over Maria’s shoulder to see you jogging down your porch steps and waving, thankfully turning to walk into town rather than try and start a conversation

“ morning hun “ Maria responded with a smile, glancing over to Tess when she ignored you as she always did.

“ what? “ Maria sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose in the way she so often did when she was at her wits end. Usually with Ellie and Joel’s bickering.

“ I’ve told you a million times. We all get along here. It’s a small town Tess, you can’t have grudges. Or.. at least public ones. I have a few secret ones myself “ Tess sighed and stepped back to let Maria inside, who only sighed too when she eyed the blanket on the couch “ you’re still sleeping on the couch? “

Tess brushed her off and grabbed her boots from by the door, sitting down to pull them on. She could already sense another of Maria’s lectures brewing, and the headache pulsing behind her temples made her hope she’d hold off on it.

“ I just fell asleep there I was… reading “ Maria did not seem even remotely convinced and walked through to place the bread down in the kitchen.

“ And what’s with the silent treatment with the doll across the street? “

“ she’s too… happy “ Maria laughed and shook her head

“ She's harmless. She’s kind “

“ she’s fuckin annoying “ Maria’s eyebrows flew up and she gave a small laugh again

“ Theresa “ it sounded almost scolding. Tess scoffed at that “ you sound like Ellie “ Tess scoffed again. Fucking Ellie?

“ calling me a kid now Maria? “

“ yeah. Cause you’re acting like one “ she sighed and stood with her hands on her hips, the way that told anyone nearby that she meant business. To shut the fuck up and listen to her “ you’re here now. And you need to stop isolating yourself “ she walked over to her and placed a hand to her arm, a gentle comforting squeeze “ I know it’s hard. I do. But you have to try “

She knew she did. She was just stubborn and stuck in her ways. And you really were… peppy. One of those people that seemed constantly in a good mood, seeing the world through rose tinted glasses and trying to spread your joy.

Tess’ own glasses had smashed a long long time ago. And she saw no reason for the amount of joy you seemed to hold.

“ I’m trying “

“ Try harder then “ Maria said before folding her arms and tilting her head a little as she watched her “ what’s going on with you? “ Tess stood up again and ran a hand through her hair, wishing she knew. Wishing she had the words to explain.

But how could she? How could she tell Maria that she wanted to go home? She wanted Boston back. That she felt out of place in Jackson and had never felt as lonely as she did in her entire life.

“ I’m fine. I’m just tired. Shall we go? “ Maria didn’t seem convinced but nodded, following her outside.

It was a nice day. Spring was in full swing now, in the weeks between Salt Lake City and settling into town the chill of winter had finally disappeared. She could see daffodils sprouting in the window boxes of your house. Her own were barron.

“ I’ve put you on farming rotation today. Sounds good? “ she nodded “ okay. It’s easy enough. Pot things, label things, pull things. It’s quite therapeutic “ she’d be the judge of that one.

She followed Maria around to the greenhouses, watching how people greeted her and smiled when they saw her. She didn’t know whether she was jealous or annoyed.

“ okay. Greenhouse 4, shouldn’t take more than a couple hours. When you’ve finished in there come find me if you want to help out some more. Okay? "She followed where Maria was pointing and stopped when she spotted someone already inside greenhouse 4.

“ are you fuckin kidding me Maria“

You.

Maria smiled and squeezed her shoulders, leaning close to her ear

“ Be nice “ Tess scoffed and turned to try and beg her to assign her anywhere else but there, but Maria was already walking off.

“ Maria- “

“ be. Nice! “

“ fuck “ she gave a frustrated huff and headed into the greenhouse, you turned around at the sound with that usual beaming smile on your face. She didn’t have the energy for this today. Didn’t have the energy for you.

“ Oh hi. I didn’t know I was paired with you today “ she stood not really knowing what she was supposed to do, annoyance practically steaming out of her ears “ you wanna get that side and I’ll continue with this side? Seeds are in that bag there, compost and soil is there, tools in the crate under the table. Okay? “

She gave a small nod and headed for the crate of tools, pulling out a small trowel and grabbing a pot. But she found her hands refusing to move. Simply staring down at the equipment in her hands. It felt like a weight was pushing down on her shoulders, crushing her chest, turning all of her muscles to lead.

“ I thought Maria would’ve had you trained up for patrols by now “ you said lightly, the sound of your trowel filling another pot “ from what I’ve heard your pretty handy with a gun “

What had you heard?

“ yeah “ she said, almost having to force herself to reply “ soon… they don’t like new people straight on patrol “ her hands still wouldn’t move.

“ figures. You could always ask her to put you on my regular route at first if you like. It’s one of the busier ones, you seem a little stressed. And well blowing the head off a clicker might be beneficial “ you laughed as you said it but quite frankly she felt you were right.

She didn’t like being unarmed. Adults in town were allowed to own their own weapons but weren’t to bring them out of their house unless they were heading on patrol. Her back pocket felt too empty without her gun there. Her fingers itched to hold it, if only for the familiarity of the metal on her fingers.

“ or why don’t you see if she’ll assign you on the hunting crew? Shooting rabbits isn’t exactly as fun as putting down clickers but. You know it’s something “ you seemed fully convinced that the answer to Tess’ supposed stress was killing something one way or another.

What had you heard about her? Who had been talking?

“ right “ she still hadn’t potted a single seed, some unmoving crushing sense of dread still heavy on her shoulders.

She didn’t know why the weight of her problems was weighing her down so heavily in the last few days. She didn’t know why she couldn’t just adjust to Jackson. Why was she feeling more anxious and depressed in the safest possible place she could be, than when she had been living under the looming threat of being murdered everyday?

No normal person's mind worked that way. No normal decent person craved the life she had once had. The familiarity back at least. She felt sick.

You were humming a song to yourself now. It felt irrationally loud in her ears. She could hear Maria’s voice in her head too. Telling her to try. To try be nice. Try to mingle.

“ thank you. For the bread “ she said in an attempt at conversation. She’d known it was you that had left it. Had seen the sprig of some kind of flower tucked into the cloth it was wrapped in. Obviously you “ but I don’t need charity “

“ it’s not charity “ you said, the sound of your tools stilling “ it’s a gift. I don’t know… welcome to town gesture that’s all “

“ Whatever it was. I don’t need it “ maybe this wasn’t exactly nice. But it needed to be said “ you can take it back if you want. I haven’t touched it “

“ alright “ she didn’t have to look at you to know your face would be reminiscent of a kicked puppy “ keep the lavender though. It’s calming… it’ll help you sleep” she turned around to look at you then. How did you know she wasn’t sleeping?

“ how- “

“ I came from a QZ myself, I spent years after that roaming. I know it takes time to adjust Tess. I barely slept a wink when I first got here… paranoid an infected was gonna jump me in my sleep or FEDRA was gonna come arrest me cause they suspected me of rebel activity… silly I know but. Our brains are hardwired into survival mode and it takes some time to shake it off “

It sounded genuinely sincere. Caring. She barely knew you and yet you seemed as though you actually wanted to help her. It made her skin prickle.

“ yeah. Well. I’m not you “ she turned back around as if to resume her previous activity. Though she had still not potted a single seed.

“ That's very clear “ even annoyed you sounded remotely cheerful still. Like no malice truly laced your words.

What was she doing here? The world was a hell hole, it was full of shitty people all doing shitty things. And there she was planting fucking carrots. In some odd altercation with you about her behaviour.

“ Tess? Everything okay? "Your hand falling on her shoulder shocked her into reality. She stepped away from your touch, moving so quickly it was as if you’d burnt her, heading for the door. She felt like she was suffocating she needed to get out “ Tess? “

“ I- I have to go “ you hurried out after her and she took a deep breath of the fresh air trying to calm herself. This wasn’t her. She wasn’t skittish and scared. She didn’t get anxious and erratic. She didn’t recognise herself anymore.

“ Can I do anything? I can get Maria or-“

“ look. I know you mean well. But I don’t need… any of this. I don’t need you thinking you’re helping all of the time “ her words were harsh and as much as you annoyed her, it was like looking at a kicked puppy “ just. Stop “

She turned away from you and headed straight for home. Home. Home that felt nothing like the word.

She felt ungrateful. People were sleeping out in the woods or in derelict buildings basically waiting to be attacked by infected. And she had a house. Warmth. Safety. But she couldn’t shake the feelings and she hated it.

She closed the town out behind her, closing the door and leaning against it to catch her breath. Why was this all so difficult for her? Why was she so incapable of adjusting to some kind of regular society again?

She debated talking to Joel. If anyone in town understood her it was him. Joel knew her inside out, could talk to her with just a look, knew what she was going to do before she did it. But he was settling in fine. He wasn’t struggling like she was. She didn’t want to weigh him down with that when he finally seemed so light.

She hid away for the rest of the day, almost expecting Maria to come and drag her back out again. But she didn’t to her relief. She had her peace and quiet to mope. To wallow in her own stupid sadness and isolation.

Until the evening.

She sighed when there was a knock on the door, probably Ellie ready to go charging around the room rambling off every piece of information about her day with an amused Joel in tow. Though she actually wouldn’t mind that.

But it wasn’t Ellie. Or Joel.

“ hey “

“ I thought- “

“ I know. Look. I just wanted to come and tell you I was sorry if I offended you or something. You just… you seemed like you needed a friend and I wanted to help “ she could tell you genuinely meant it. That you truly were one of those people that was just… nice. Good. Even after the past two decades that had twisted and warped so many others, herself included, you had somehow remained what she assumed was the same.

“ well I don’t… need any help “ you gave a small nod but didn’t immediately leave, shuffling a little awkwardly on the spot “ anything else? “

“ I noticed. I noticed you don’t have anything in the window boxes. I have some spare seeds… flowers can really help brighten the place up. I find that on sad days it’s always a little bit nicer to look at a flower than an empty box “ she opened her mouth to decline, to tell you she didn’t want you in her way. But you seemed to anticipate it “ you won’t even have to see me. Or talk to me. I can do it when you’re not home or if you are I can… I can just knock so you know I’m there. So you can wait for me to leave or- it’s just an idea “

She figured that in the long run giving you something to do that you might take as being helpful, might actually make you leave her alone a little more. And so, ever so slightly reluctantly, she sighed and nodded.

“ fine “ the smile on your face after that almost made her want to smile too. Almost. So kind. So genuine. So… bright.

“ yeah? Okay. Do you have any preferences? Or allergies? Colours maybe- “ she lifted a hand in a silent request for you to shut up.

Be nice.

She closed her eyes for a moment and gave a steady sigh, forcing some attempt at a smile onto her face.

“ anything. Anything is fine “ you gave a nod and turned slightly before pausing. You seemed to debate something for a moment before delving into your pocket and pulling out a small jar of something that looked like jam.

“ I know… I know you said you didn’t want- it goes real nice with the bread “ she waited a second before taking it from your hands. You said nothing else, just gave her a small nod of a goodbye and headed down the steps and across the street.

That evening she ate bread with the jam. It was annoyingly good.

———————————

You’d appeared the next morning to plant the seeds. And then you tended to them everyday. Watering them and doing god knows what to the soil. You would let her know you were there each time, a small knock on the door that you didn’t even mind if she didn’t answer. Just letting her know you were out there. Just as you’d said.

And as time passed she found herself answering it from time to time. Just poking her head around the door to see what you were doing, always there with your small watering can and a smile.

And that was okay. You were okay. Nothing else in her life felt right at that moment. But having a new constant did. And she had to admit that even when she woke up on the couch, rubbing at her sore neck, seeing the sprouts through the window almost made her crack a smile. Almost.

SUMMER

As the cold completely shifted from Jackson’s air she found that not even the warmth could truly raise her mood completely. Everyone in town seemed far more cheery, like the sun had some odd healing ability to make everyone more joyful after the bitter winter and the final week of spring which had been nothing but solid rain fall.

Though Tess, begrudgingly enough, found that her own joys still only stemmed from her family. But also from you. As much as she refused to admit it, she’d found herself looking forward to your small knocks on her door each morning, or on mornings where she left early for patrol she found herself almost hoping you’d be on the porch with your watering can and your smile.

Which she didn’t exactly understand or care to understand either. In fact she blatantly ignored the voices in her head warning that she was going soft. That she was beginning to almost look at you as some kind of friend.

She opened the door more often than not now, even made attempts to ask you about the flowers or ask about your day. You never probed her about herself which she liked. You didn’t pry. You let her be. You let her keep her walls fiercely guarded without so much as a complaint. And she kind of hated the fact that made her like you a little more.

And that morning was no different to the rest now, you had knocked and she had gone out to say hello. Had offered you tea and you had accepted as you so often did.

Her night had been filled with bad dreams. And she had feared that it would send her into another one of those days. Where she wanted to do nothing but hide and mope. But she had forced herself to go outside. At least to say hello.

Annoyingly to her, Maria had been right. And she lived there now. And that meant she had to try. She had to try adjust. Fit in. Be… nice.

She still felt wary around you. Maybe even more so because of how she was beginning to sort of like you. Or maybe tolerate was the better word. She told herself it was anyway. But she had been in Jackson a few months at this point. And after a few months your joy and happiness was bound to wear her down. Even if she was reluctant about it.

“ you know if you take good enough care of these they’ll bloom next spring too “ you said as she hovered by the door watching you “ it takes time and care though. Pretty things but strong enough to survive the winter if they’re tended too correctly “ your eyes flitted up to her for a moment as you said it and she felt the statement were a little more loaded than just being about the flowers.

“ I’ll leave that up to you “ you smiled warmly and looked back down at the plants.

“ here’s hoping “

Tess watched you carefully, still unsure exactly how to pinpoint what she was feeling. She was beginning to like having you around. But also your joy drove her insane. You were annoying. So unbelievably annoying with your bright smile and desire to care.

And yet… you had managed to be the one to coax her out of the house. Yes it was only to her porch but it was still out. You had given her something to almost look forward to each day.

She didn’t like it.

“ oh shit “ she blinked a couple of times to drag herself out of her head to see blood in her peripheral, dripping between your fingers and between the floorboards of the porch.

“ what did you- “

“ fucking sheers they slipped I. Look, it's fine it’s just a cut… You got a bandage or something? “ Tess nodded and glanced towards her door. She realised how bad it would seem to keep you out on the porch. To just leave you there whilst she went looking. But also the thought of you in her home…

“ yeah. Do you wanna… come in? Wanna wash it or something “ part of her almost wished you’d say no, but the relief on your face made her regret the thought instantly

“ thanks Tess “ she headed straight for the kitchen. Not even looking to see if you were behind her, rummaging around in a cupboard for her box of medical supplies.

“ wash it. The sink “ she murmured, watching you carefully from the corner of her eye as you headed for the sink beside her, cupping your hand in some attempt to not drip blood onto the tiles. She looked at your bloody hands, ignoring the guilt rising in her chest at the fact you had injured yourself doing something for her, and reached out for you. She held your cut hand in her palm, leading it carefully under the water. She could feel you watching her, eyes almost burning into her skin as she gently washed away the blood and the soil.

She focussed on the pink swirls twisting down the drain rather than looking at you.

She didn’t like it. Didn’t like how you put her on edge. She didn’t want to go delving into why exactly that was either. Why in the space of 6 months she had gone from despising your very existence, to having you in her home because you’d hurt yourself tending to her flowers. It was a lot to try and process all in one go.

“ Marias always laughing at me “ you said as she turned off the water “ says I’m one of the best snipers in town yet I’m clumsy as shit with anything else. Can shoot a clicker miles off but can’t handle a pair of gardening shears? Idiot “

Maria had told her all about your impressive skills out on patrols. She was yet to see them for herself though, Maria hadn’t paired you together yet. Thankfully. Though she couldn’t lie that curiosity on the matter was strong. She’d always had some morbid fascination with the nicest of people that were able to kill like it was second nature.

A silent chaos raging behind a gentle smile.

“ guns more important than sheers “

“ well that depends on the situation don’t you think? Gun won’t help clip the weeds “

She bandaged your hand silently with the care and tenderness that few saw from her, wrapping it up and admiring her work for a second.

She stood back when she was done not exactly knowing what to say anymore. And she hated it. Despised it. Tess always knew what to say. She was always one step ahead of everyone in the room, but she faltered when it came to you. And she didn’t know why. Or what power you seemed to hold over her as of late. Was it your kindness? Was it the simple fact that you had never shown her nothing but care and respect since day one and she just didn’t know how to accept it? Maybe.

She wandered if you noticed how she looked out of place in her own home. Surrounded by so many things that she had no connection to. Objects that weren’t hers, placed into a house that had once been lived in by others. Loved by others.

Like so many others she had gotten used to not getting attached to materialistic things. She could see you glancing around, how you could probably see that from the way the place looked so… bare. Unloved by her. Un- lived in by her. That you probably figured it out pretty quickly.

You were watching her intently as you wandered the kitchen and she didn’t like it, she didn’t like the way you made her feel like a prey animal ready to dart any moment. That wasn’t her. She wasn’t prey. She wasn’t the hunted. She was the hunter. She was the one with the upper hand.

But not with you. Not with you and your unyielding kindness and desire to know her.

So she turned around and started packing away the medical box slowly and carefully. Just to give her hands something to do.

“ why are you so afraid of me? “ you asked suddenly and she turned around with a confused look on her face. Afraid of you? Why would she possibly be afraid of someone like you.

“ what are you talking about? “

“ you’re afraid. You won’t let me in. You barely even let me be your friend. You keep trying to scare me away with being so… miserable. You have to let people in Tess… and I think it’s because you’re scared yourself I- “

“ I’m not afraid of you “ She said immediately. Her heckles raised at the intrusion. And at the confusion for your sudden lack of ability to not interfere “ are you afraid of me? “ she asked, her voice calm. And low and steady. Intimidating. The way she spoke to people in Boston who were pissing her off and she needed to remind them who she was. Her eyes had not left you for even a second. They were burning into you. Calculated. Smart. Intense.

Some desperate attempt and desire to keep you out. To make you back off. Even if it meant missing those morning knocks and tea on the porch. She couldn’t let you in. She wouldn’t.

But you weren’t afraid of her. You never had been. She could tell. You were stubborn. So unbearably kind but stubborn. Stubborn in the way you had kept up your daily visits even when she wouldn’t answer her door, in the way you still waved at her before she even spoke to you. So stubborn in the way you were standing your ground before her.

“ no. I know I should be. I know what you did. But I’m not “ she folded her arms across her chest, quirking a brow. Who had you been talking to? What could you possibly know. So you hadn’t been refraining from asking her questions all along, you’d been getting your information else where. She was almost impressed. It was smart. Calculated even.

At this point she wouldn’t be surprised if you’d cut yourself on purpose to get inside and make her talk.

“ oh? Oh you know what I did? “

“ someone in town… was gossiping I- everyone’s done bad things “ you said with a shrug.

“ what do you know? “ she advanced on you then. Slowly. Crossing the room to where you stood by the wall. You didn’t move. You held your ground.

“ a lot “

“ tell me “ she wanted to hear you say it. To confirm if what you knew was true. But also because maybe some sick part of her needed reminding what she had once been capable of. Of what she had been before she had become that misery of a human whose only joys came from her pseudo kid and the woman who planted flowers for her.

“ all the people you killed. Tortured “ your voice had dropped to almost a whisper as she stood in front of you. But you still didn’t look scared. And she couldn’t decide how that made her feel. Annoyed? Because she clearly didn’t hold the fear inducing powers she once had. Or… relieved? That she had finally come across someone that took what she had done and dusted it under the rug. Accepted it and moved on.

“ and it doesn’t scare you? “

“ you must’ve had your reasons “ there was a heavy tension hanging in the air, she could feel it thickly between you. Soon enough one of you would choke “ I know what you did. I don’t care. You can’t scare me away Tess “ at this point she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to.

No one had challenged her like that. No one like you anyway. No one so… sweet.

Her old self would’ve laughed. Would’ve laughed in your face and thrown you out. But then again. Her old self would’ve laughed at what she had become too.

Things had changed. And she needed to accept it.

“ stop trying to scare me off “ to her surprise you reached up, your hand gentle on her face. She recoiled at first. As if your fingers were steeped in acid and you’d blistered her skin with your touch. But you waited a moment and did it again. And she froze, unsure of what you were doing or how she was supposed to react to it “ I want to be your friend. Let me. You don’t have to scare every single person that wants to care for you away. If anything you damn well need it “

She didn’t know what to say. Stood there like she was made of stone with your gentle hand on her cheek, your face full of nothing but warmth and affection for her. She felt like a deer in headlights.

“ you don’t know what I need “ she finally spoke, taking a single step back so that your hand fell away. Though she was certain she could still feel it. A kind touch was so unfamiliar to her, so rare that it lingered in her skin “ you know nothing about me “

“ I know enough “ so stubborn. So unwilling to take no for an answer or let yourself be pushed away. She kind of liked it. Liked the challenge “ you have to let people in. Let me in. I know how you feel- “

“ how could you possibly know how I feel “ she almost spat “ you’ve lived here. Comfortable and safe “ you gave a small laugh at that

“ not always “ she didn’t know why she had assumed you had been there so long, maybe because you were so… settled. Adapted “ spent two years captured by a bunch of slavers before I even set foot in Jackson. I’m not some sheltered little girl born into comfort Tess “ she took a step back, eyes narrowing as she tried to asses the new information presented to her.

She knew about slavers. Had been taken by them herself at one point. But two years? She had been there two days, in a tiny camp as they prepared to move her to their main base before she’d managed to get away. Those two days had been hell. She couldn’t imagine two years.

Maybe she had underestimated you after all.

But before she could answer you properly there was another knock to her door.

“ only me! “ Maria’s voice sounded as she entered the house, opening her mouth to say something else but stopping when she saw you stood there. She looked violently overjoyed “ oh! I’m sorry. Didn’t know you had company “ it must have been an odd sight to walk into. Tess as stoney faced as ever and you practically gazing at her.

“ sorry I- “

“ did you need something? “ Tess asked

“ lunch, the whole family. Good haul from the hunting crew today “ family. Her family. As dysfunctional as it was she very much wanted to escape the current situation and see them “ but if you’re busy- “

“ no. I’m not. She was just leaving “ she glanced over at you as you gave a small nod and a smile, quietly excusing yourself and heading for the door.

“ just. Think about what I said Tess? I’ll see you tomorrow “

She didn’t hear the end of that for the entirety of lunch. Maria not usually one to pry. But knowing very much that Ellie and Tommy would. Casually mentioning it and… that was that.

Ellie seemed particularly delighted. Looking at her in a way that she recognised from her own childhood when she realised liking girls wasn’t just a her thing. That she wasn’t the only one. But Tess didn’t probe. Though she was happy in the knowledge Ellie would come to her if she needed.

“ y’know I think it’s real nice “ Joel said to her when she stepped outside stating she needed a little air “ she’s softenin you “ Tess scoffed and folded her arms across her chest

“ you have no idea what you’re talking about. She’s a neighbour. And she looks after the flowers. She’s a pain in my ass”

“ baby steps Tess “ she glanced over at him and he was giving her that look that said he knew something was going on inside her head “ you leave the house more now “

“ to my porch and back “ she mumbled not entirely wanting to get into that conversation. She was not in the mood to discuss her long hours trapped inside her house. And her head.

“ baby. Steps “ she sighed and ran a hand over her face. She was tired.

“ she wants to be my friend “ it sounded so unbelievably juvenile to say out loud. She almost regretted saying it

“ and… you don’t want that? “

“ no “ she said maybe a little too quickly

“ right “ she could feel him watching her, trying to read her as he so often did. The way only two people who had been together for so long could do “ I don’t think I believe that “

“ I’m not asking you to “ he sighed again, used to her stubbornness. Her bad moods.

“ you are allowed to have friends Tess. And… more than that. I don’t know what that girls intentions are, I don’t pretend to know how your mind works either. But if you really didn’t like her then why are you still lettin her around? Tess I know would’ve told her to fuck off and threatened her for good measure for even tryna talk to you if you didn’t like her “

“ you’re talking shit “ he laughed and shrugged

“ you’re proving my point. Tess. Just do something. If you want her? Go get her. Tess I know would. And if not? Tell her to leave you be. Cause this mood you’re in… it’s not nice to see “

“ ‘ the Tess you know’ “ she muttered under breath. She didn’t feel like that Tess anymore.

By the time she walked home she couldn’t tell if she was more annoyed by the entire situation or relieved by it because somehow Joel of all people had begun to put things into perspective for her.

Maybe it was both.

Though the annoyance was slightly winning out. She wasn’t soft. She didn’t like the implications that you were softening her. She was stronger than that. Stronger than you. She hadn’t pushed you away because Maria said she needed to be nice. That’s why.

It was.

Wasn’t it?

She felt a sudden desperate need to prove to herself that what she was thinking was correct. And not Joel.

She was not soft. She was in control.

She didn’t quite know what it was that compelled her feet to head up your porch steps rather than her own. Knocking on the door before she’d even fully come to a halt.

Waiting impatiently for you to answer, looking a little surprised to see her when you did appear.

She pushed past the threshold, watching you take a step back in mild confusion at her sudden intrusion, cupping your face in both her hands and kissing you. You stumbled for barely half a second, kissing her back with a muffled moan and your fingers wrapping around her wrists.

The confidence she was used to felt far more present in your space, in the four walls of your home rather than her own.

She pressed you up against the closest wall, kissing you like her life depended on it. Far more in control than she was a few hours earlier. Than she had been in a while.

And this was it. This was the familiarity she had craved wasn’t it? This was the power she had been missing, the ability to take what she wanted when she wanted it. Even when she wasn’t entirely sure it was what she wanted.

So why didn’t it feel the same. Why did it not even slightly fill the void in her chest.

You were breathing heavily as she pulled away to catch her own breath, a joyful almost dopey smile on your face. You looked so incredibly beautiful. Sweet.

She’d break you. She would. She knew she would. It was a vicious awful cycle. Anyone she got close to got hurt. Friend or… more. It would all end the same way.

“ this won’t end well “ she said quietly, not entirely meaning to say it out loud. The words escaping her as she watched you, someone so beautiful and kind didn’t belong with someone like her.

Someone who had not let the awful things that happened to them twist them into something unrecognisable. In the way that Tess had.

It would be a mess.

“ maybe not “ you answered, voice just as quiet “ but did you ever stop to think that maybe it will be okay? “

“ no “ you laughed softly, head leaning back against the wall and your eyes falling closed for a moment. She wished she could have such a carefree look. She didn’t think her face even knew how to relax into such an expression.

“ have a little faith “

AUTUMN

It had been over 20 years since her life had completely fallen apart. And a lot could happen in 20 years. A lot had happened. Tess was good at having bad shit happen and then burying it so deep down that she didn’t have to think about it. She was good at having a blank face when inside she was screaming. But in the end, one person could only hide so much stuff for so long. Eventually it would spill. And every now and again it did.

And when it did? It was suffocating.

It struck her out of no where. She never saw it coming.

Sometimes it almost scared her. Scared her that the stuff she had done wasn’t even the worst of what kept her up at night. She had no remorse for the people she had killed. Tortured. Those bodies and those sounds. They didn’t haunt her. The stuff that had come before that had damaged her beyond repair.

The first few years had been the worst. Before FEDRA had full control, before any rules were in full effect. When everyone ran rampant, when people looted and murdered because they felt like it. When groups formed and did whatever they wanted. To who they wanted. When Tess had been alone. Had left her home with nothing but the clothes on her back and ran. And ran. And by some miracle survived.

That time before Joel. Before the entirety of the group making their way up to Boston.

Tess didn’t get scared. She wasn’t afraid of things. But she had been back then. She had been so afraid.

So utterly powerless and out of control.

She tried to see the positives as ridiculous as it sounded. Tried to twist the shitty things that had happened. The shitty things that she had done. She had done them to survive. And maybe that scared her even more. That she felt justified in her actions.

That she could think back to certain people she had tortured. Killed. Ambushed. And justify it. Not feel as though she had done the wrong thing at all.

And that she would do it all again if she needed to.

She would throw herself in front of trucks feigning an injury. Just a poor, defenceless woman. Beg for help only for Joel and the others to spring from the bushes and take everything they had. She’d kill every man and woman that got in the way of her rise in the smuggling ring. She’d tortured ever last piece of information out of those fuckers who had taken Ellie. Murdered every. Last. Firefly. In that hospital.

All again. A million times over.

But her humanity was still in her somewhere. Buried deep down but there. And when it reared its head it was ugly. Filled with words to make her feel like the worst person alive. Fill her ears with the strangled cries of her son. The sickening sound of the blood that pooled in her husband’s throat.

It made her feel numb. Like she was floating. No longer in her body and desperately trying to claw her way back down to it.

“ Tess? “ she was too lost to react. Too deep inside her own head to even turn around and look at you. But she knew that voice. The voice that had become as familiar as Maria’s. Ellie’s. Joels “ Tess what are you doing it’s freezing out here “ your voice was soft compared to the voices that were screeching inside her head, soothing. Gentle. Quieter yet somehow speaking over the screaming ones.

Your hands fell onto her arm and she flinched, shifting away from your touch.

“ hey. Sorry “ you said softly, hands raised in some kind of surrender “ won’t touch you again “ the voices were still shouting at her, but a little further off now. Like she was on one side of the room and they were on the other. And wasn’t that interesting. Where in the past only Joel had been able to coax her back to reality. Ground her. Now you had. And she had known you far less “ can I sit? “ she gave a small nod and you sat down, leaving a small gap between you both.

Things between the two of you had been a little different as of late.

You hadn’t kissed since that day she’d barged through your front door and re established that she was very much the one holding the reins. But she was letting herself be lighter. Trying her hardest to open up to you. To go into town more. Smile back at people. And it was hard. And slow going. But she was getting there.

Baby steps. Like Joel had said.

“ I’m gonna go get a blanket okay? It’s so cold “ she listened as you went inside, returning a few moments later.

“ why are you here? “ she asked as you sat down beside her again, wrapping the blanket around you both.

“ I was out on late patrol. I saw the light on… was gonna come see why you were still up. Have a chat or something… you didn’t answer so I just poked my head inside and I saw the back door was open“

She gave a small nod and continued staring out at the backyard. She hadn’t really done much to it. But there was a rope swinging attached to the large tree at the bottom now. Ellie loved it.

“ do you need to talk? About anything? “ you asked quietly “ it’s what friends are for you know. Talking “

“ I’ve never been very good at friends “ you gave a small laugh and nodded

“ yeah. I figured that one out myself “ you shuffled a little closer to her, nudging her leg with yours “ you must’ve had friends at some point “

The ones that truly stuck in her mind were Bill and Frank. Frank would’ve loved you she realised very quickly. You were so alike. So happy. Made to see the positive in absolutely every single thing. Yet becoming friends with Frank had been far easier than becoming friends with you.

She’d been different back then.

“ I had. I had friends “ she started, realising in that moment that she had never actually spoken about Bill and Frank since they’d died. Her and Joel had done as they always had and refused to talk about it. Let it settle and weigh heavy until it began to dissipate on its own “ they lived a few miles out of Boston. Met them over the radio “

“ they weren’t in a zone? “

“ no. Bill… fuckin crazy been planning for doomsday his whole life. Had the whole town mapped out and wired up “ she actually cracked a small smile thinking about it “ Frank though. I think. I think he’s the closest thing to a friend I really had “

She missed him. She missed them both. And missing Bill was something she never thought she’d feel, even if he was more open to her company than Joel’s.

You listened diligently as she spoke about Lincoln. Dinners in the garden and Bills stash of supplies, the awkwardness that always lingered between Bill and Joel. The bi monthly drop offs that had started increasing in distance as Frank got sicker and Bill got older. And then finding them with Ellie. The silent moment she had taken in the garden to cry for her lost friends whilst Ellie showered and Joel fixed the car.

“ they sound like amazing people “ she shrugged and glanced over at you for a moment. And maybe it was silly of her to take so long to realise it. But maybe she had a friend in you, maybe more than that. Maybe she had done all along and had been too blinded by her own self loathing and moping around to truly notice it.

It was the early hours of the morning and there you were, sat on her porch steps in the dark. Listening to her talk. Comforting her. And she realised that you were exactly what she needed. In that moment and every other moment to follow. Your compassion and your calming force of a personality. The way you cared…. Loved even. Your stubbornness. Your loyalty.

“ thank you “ she said quietly “ for being here “ you looked up at her and smiled. That warm, sweet smile that made even the coldest of days feel mild. Tess was all sharp edges and bitter words, someone so soft should be keeping a safe distance to ensure they didn’t get cut. But you weren’t afraid. You never had been “ for everything “ she didn’t want to elaborate and you didnt make her.

She reached forward to cup your face in her hand, thumb tracing over your cheekbone. You understood her in a way it had taken Joel 20 years to. Some odd force of nature that wiggled your way through the cracks in her heavily guarded walls.

Her eyes drifted down to your lips. Remembering the hard, forceful kiss you had shared that one time before. The kind she was used to. The kind she was good at. She wasn’t very good at being tender and caring. Kissing and all that lead from it had long since been something she did out of care and love. It was a means to an end. A release. A way to remind herself she was human.

But it didn’t have to be that way anymore.

“ you gonna kiss me or not? “ you whispered. And it made her lips twitch into a smile.

Tess had kissed a lot of people in her time. And if she was perfectly honest she wasn’t entirely a fan. Kisses were not like how the movies or books portrayed them most of the time. Uncoordinated or clumsy, too much teeth or tongue. She didn’t care much for kissing.

But kissing you was different. Kissing you was like a shot of adrenaline straight into her veins. It was the closest she felt she could come to understanding why Joel had been so hooked on pills before Ellie. It was addictive.

But something had changed now. Some locked gate inside of her had finally clicked open and you had seized the opportunity to slip your way inside. And she surprised herself with the realisation that it actually didn’t seem all that terrifying now, having you there. Having those feelings and thoughts.

Of course there was still… something. But it was less so.

Holding your face in her hand, your willingness to let her lead and melt into her. With every soft and gentle movement of her lips against yours she felt herself slipping. Like when the winter storms would hit Boston and her worn down boots couldn’t find grip on the icy paths.

But this slip wouldn’t end with her falling flat on her ass and nursing a bruised leg. You were keeping her tethered. Your fingers that were looped around her wrist, your hair that was tickling her face.

It made her feel startlingly real. Alive. Present. Present in a moment in a way she hadn’t done all day, she’d spent the day drifting. Some far off place in her head where her demons scrambled over her and suffocated the air out of her lungs. But she was breathing fine now, breathing in air that was yours, breathing as if you were her air.

She kissed you until her jaw started to ache, not sure how long it had been or how many quick seconds apart to catch her breath there had been. But when she finally did let you go the fog that had been blinding her all day seemed to have disappeared. Everything felt as though she were looking through glasses that had just had the lenses cleaned.

Sharper. Clearer.

“ it’s really fuckin cold “ she murmured, causing a giggle to bubble past your lips.

“ yeah. It’s freezing “ you didn’t seem even mildly pissed that that had been her first words after practically kissing your face off. Instead you both silently seemed to agree to go inside, collapsing onto her couch and kissing some more.

Something had shifted after that. Had changed after she’d woken up the following morning on the couch with you.

She actively chose to be around you, even more so than she had been. Spent enough time with you that people began to murmur about it. But she found she no longer cared.

There was still an odd weight looming in her chest, one she was certain may never actually go away. But it was far lighter than it had been.

WINTER

Tess had always preferred winter to summer. Especially after Boston. She hated those sticky summer days. Especially in that apartment that was freezing in winter but a sauna in the summer, no comfortable in between. Days when she felt like the heat was suffocating her and every drop of water she drank sweated its way out of her within the minute.

Winter felt so much… fresher. She liked the snow and the opportunities to wrap up and be warm on her own terms.

Some people found it bleak. But she rather enjoyed it.

You seemed to like it too. Because you could use the cold weather as an excuse to be close to her. And it felt nice. To have you there, to have you wanting to be near her. Even if she was beginning to believe you were forgetting your gloves on purpose now so she would hold your hand.

The arrival of the winter months had brought along the silent confirmation that you two were… something now. Dating didn’t feel right. That word didn’t feel like it belonged in the world anymore. And there had been no real discussions of the matter, mostly due to her own refusal to mention it. And ‘girlfriend’… it felt a little juvenile. Even if was Ellie teasing her every fucking day that you were in fact her girlfriend now.

Jackson was starting to feel more like somewhere she could begin to call home. Riding back through the gates with Joel, watching them close behind her but not feeling that feeling of imprisonment anymore. Not feeling as trapped as the walls in Boston, but finally feeling safe.

She walked into the Bison, happy to find it slightly less crowded than it could be. She walked over to the bar, smiling at the guy stood drying off a glass

“ hey… she here? “ something in her still prickled with an odd sense of anxiety that she didn’t need to ask for you by name now. That they all knew who she meant. That Tess would not venture into the bison alone for anyone else, and that you would never be leaving with anyone else but her.

But she pushed it aside.

“ yeah she’s out the back. I’ll grab her “ she waited patiently as he disappeared through the door, glancing around with some still deep rooted fear that someone was watching her. She didn’t think she’d ever shake that. But she had to remind herself that no one there was after her. No one there was watching her to find her weakness and abuse it.

“ hey you “ you appeared through the door a few moments later and you greeted with that beaming smile of yours, looking at her as if she were the singular source of joy in your life. You leant over the bar and she met you half way, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips. It was the kind of kiss that was… familiar. The kind two people in love shared without thought, something as simple and regular as breathing.

“ having fun? “

“ oh yeah. Making sandwiches, riveting stuff “ she watched you wipe your hands off on a towel before slipping your way out from behind the bar “ but I’d really like to go home now “ Tess nodded and offered you her arm without needing to be asked, your hands slipping into their usual place and huddling close against her.

It was getting chillier out, the sky had taken on that odd yellowy state that signalled impending snow. The kind of day that back in Boston would’ve been some forewarning of an impending low ration season. But there was no such thing in Jackson.

You spoke about your shift in the bison as you walked and Tess listened diligently, all the while silently musing over you asking to go home. And very much heading with Tess towards hers.

But. You stayed over more often than not now. Your things were starting to intermingle with her own, the space that had previously felt so barren and so disconnected from herself… now felt almost like a home.

There were some of Ellie’s drawings tacked to the fridge, her talent alone making the space seem a little more lived in. A few pictures had been framed now too and dotted about the place. Tess, Joel and Ellie over for dinner at Tommy and Maria’s. Another of Ellie pulling a stupid face with Joel looking slightly amused at her side. One of you and her, you beaming at the camera as she looked at you. Maria had taken that one much to Tess’ original dismay. But she was quite thankful for it now.

That was the first piece of you that had made its way into her home.

You had a toothbrush in her bathroom now. A spare jacket on the hooks by the door. A small box of gardening tools by the front door. A hand knitted blanket across the back of her couch.

You were in the air even. The air wafted of the flowers you adored wherever you went, you filled the place she had only ever referred to as a house into home.

And sometimes it almost made her want to laugh. Laugh at herself for what she had become. Tess didn’t take things slow like this. Tess didn’t let her space be invaded by someone else. Tess didn’t have feelings or let herself… love.

Which was exactly what she was feeling more and more these days. Which was completely and utterly terrifying but she found she was just letting it happen. Because she could. And because she was allowed to.

She wasn’t old Tess anymore. If anything she was beginning to feel as though she was slowly becoming more and more like the version of herself that had existed before an apocalypse had destroyed the world. The kind of woman that did date and did take things slow. That had girlfriends or boyfriends and wasn’t scared. Was care free and happy.

And maybe that was more scary than the fear she had felt at losing the version of herself that had developed over 20 years of hell.

She was beginning to think that nothing would ever be without fear these days. But she was working on it. And it was lessening.

And you becoming a permanent fixture in her house was part of that.

Quite often the nights ended exactly as they currently were too. With you walking home together, cuddling up together on the couch to escape the chill of winter.

And making out until she forgot how to breathe.

It had not been more than that. She hadn’t allowed herself to let it be. Had happily let you sit in her lap or let you pull her down over you and sink into the couch cushions. But she never let it progress.

She didn’t truly think about why and you had never asked it of her either. Until tonight.

“ why are you holding back? “ you whispered, pulling back from her slightly. Still close enough that she could feel your breath against her lips.

Why was she holding back?

Because you weren’t some random girl she picked up in the zone because she was bored and lonely. Because until you, sex had become something with little feeling. Something to do because she needed some human contact that wasn’t Joel stitching up a stab wound.

And it was funny, really, when she thought about why she was holding back. Why as much as she may have wanted to, as much as the old her would’ve gone and gotten what she wanted months ago… she hadn’t.

Because it hadn’t felt right. Hadn’t been the time. You deserved more than that. You deserved more than a quick, meaningless fuck off somewhere secluded because she wanted to feel like a human being again. No, you deserved more.

Maybe you still did. She couldn’t figure it out yet.

But what she did know, was if now was not the time then she would wait. She would wait a million and one lifetimes. As much as she knew the short serotonin boost would breathe some life into her for a few hours again… she would endure. Because when she really thought about it, that wasn’t what she wanted really.

She wanted you. Of course she did. Needed you. In every single sense of the phrase. You had been a shiny little light in her darkness, you had prevailed and endured her bitterness to discover something sweet hiding beneath.

And so you deserved the best. Deserved every ounce of love and compassion Tess could find deep within herself.

“ where’d you go? Hm? “ you whispered softly, fingers trailing along the side of her face and tucking an unruly strand of her greying hair behind her ear “ you seem… else where “

“ just thinkin “ your touch was gentle, fingertips somehow still smooth and soft. So different to hers, calloused from years of fighting and doing shitty jobs in the QZ. She felt too rough for you. Too sharp around the edges. Like her hold on you alone could shatter you.

She knew in reality you weren’t delicate. She had watched you shoot like a trained marksmen. Had seen you jump on clickers and stab them until you face was splattered in blood. Chop firewood for town like it was nothing. You were strong. Capable. And yet she felt like she could bruise you like a peach just by looking at you wrong. She was no stranger to your strengths, your capabilities. Yet to her? She felt she could always see you as breakable.

Fine China. Soft fruit. The petals of the flowers you cared so much about.

Soft and pure and delicate. Not made to be touched by the rough and ready hands of the likes of her

And yet…

“ thinking about me? “ you said it with a small laugh, half joking. Half hoping. She gave you a small smile, a small nod.

“ of course “ it came out so quiet she wasn’t even sure she’d really said it right away. But your warm smile told her she had. And you’d heard. And even now, even in that moment, she still took a moment to be amazed at that smile. Amazed that it was because of her. You were smiling because she was thinking of you. You were on her mind. And you liked that.

Her hands twitched slightly at their place on your waist. Almost involuntarily. Like they were trying to make her move, go ahead. Do… something.

You looked down for a second before letting go of your gentle hold of her face, sliding your hands along her arms and trailing your fingers over her wrists.

“ I’m not going to break “ you picked up her hands, moving them down to brush over your ass, your thighs “ you can touch me “ she was afraid she’d do something stupid like blush. So she kissed you again, gently tugging you close by her soft hold on your thighs.

Your hands slid back up her arms, over her shoulders, up to hold the back of her neck, your fingertips slipping under the collar of her shirt. Everything about you was soft. Precise and purposeful. She could practically feel the desire radiating out of your fingers. But also the care.

She hadnt been touched like that in… a while. Touched in a way that conveyed love. A way that was gentle. Caring. Deliberate and slow. Like you wanted to take your time, in a way akin to how you had behaved since you had met her. You wanted to know her. To understand her. To peel back the layers she kept pulling on to keep you out.

And maybe a part of her would always want to keep you out, deep down. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a vulnerability she was still learning to adjust to.

But she was adjusting. Had been. And it felt right now. Felt right having the soft weight of you on her thighs, having your gentle fingers rid her of her sweater. Felt the shame of her equally as raging desire dissipate.

It was okay. She was okay.

She watched your deft fingers carefully unbutton your plaid shirt, one that now she thought about it looked remarkably like one of hers. When had you taken that she wondered.

She let her hands slip over the bare skin of your waist, disappearing under the soft worn cotton of your- her? - shirt. There was a scar along your ribs, the kind that had been there a while. No longer angry and red but faded and soft. She ran her thumb across it.

“ chains “ you said, answering her unasked question.

“ the slavers? “ she murmured, still tracing her thumb over the long stretch of scarred skin. You hummed a reply, your eyes watching her intently

“ plenty of permanent reminders of those fuckers on me “ it still baffled her how you had endured such cruelty and appeared on the other side as gentle as you were. She wanted to track those fuckers down. Torture every single last one that had even looked at you wrong. And reserve a special place in hell for the ones who had left their permanent marks.

She leant forward, dipping her head and pressing her lips to the scar. Your chest deflated in a soft sigh as she did, ghosting her lips over the skin in some feeble attempt to replace the pain with care. Your fingers laced into her hair, silently urging her to kiss you some more. And she did. She kissed up your chest, breath stuttering embarrassingly as her cheek brushed against the cotton covered swell of your chest as she pressed kisses to your sternum.

Everything about you was soft.

She inhaled deeply, your skin smelt of that familiar scent of being outdoors. As if winter air had been bottled and sprayed across your skin like perfume. Something so usually mundane and common place, yet intoxicating on you.

She kissed up your neck, skin in flames with every single soft sigh it caused you to let out.

“ can… can I.. “ you said in between kisses, hands now fumbling with the button of her jeans.

“ not here “ she murmured, pulling away from your lips slightly reluctantly “ you deserve better than the fuckin couch “ that made you smile, head titling to the side inquisitively.

“ well aren’t you just a lady “ Tess scoffed, patting your leg gently to urge you to stand up

“ lady? You must be thinkin of someone else “ you seemed reluctant to stop kissing her, grabbing her multiple times on the way out of the lounge. Including a long pause on the stairs where she almost regretted suggesting you move. And seriously debated just letting the entire thing play out right there on the staircase.

She’d never really been one for kissing. But with you she couldn’t stop. She was obsessed. A woman possessed. And she was taking her time.

But she remained on track. Leading you into her bedroom and the bed she had barely slept in.

She sat down on the edge, watching you as you closed the door before turning to her. Leaning back against it for a moment.

You were truly something. Stood there in your jeans and your bra. Your mismatched socks and your ruffled hair. Lips kiss swollen and eyes watching her intently.

“ c’mere “ she said quietly, gesturing you over with a tilt of her head. You wandered over, coming to a stop in front of her and reaching out to cup her face gently “ you’re so fuckin beautiful you know “ she said, not entirely intending to say it out loud and rather just think it. But the blush that crept across your cheeks made her glad she had said it.

“ you think? “ she hummed a reply, her fingers trailing up and down the backs of your thighs.

She didn’t know what it was about having you there in that room. Her room. Alone. It felt so incredibly intimate. In fact the entire night had. She’d never taken such… time. Time to explore and to appreciate, to admire. And now to have you in bedroom, a room she had barely been able to step foot in alone since arriving in town. But felt almost at ease with you there.

It was a lot to attempt to process all at once. And so she decided not to. That it wasn’t the time to send herself spiralling into yet another pit of despair and dread, she focussed all her attention back to you.

“ you’re sweet “

“ I’m not sweet I’m honest “ you smiled again at that. In reality she was not an honest person. She was deceitful and not to be trusted by anyone but Joel. But you trusted her. And she was honest with you.

She was. You truly were beautiful. And she felt a fool that it had taken her as long as it had to stop and really look at you. Had spent so long despising your presence rather than admiring you from day one.

She slipped her hands further up your legs, cupping the denim clad flesh of your ass and pushing you forward slightly. You took the hint, stepping over her legs and placing yourself back in her lap. Your arms looped loosely around her neck.

She couldn’t resist diving forward, lips against your neck and teeth grazing your soft skin in a way that made the most delicious sounds leave your lips.

“ oh, Tess “ your fingers tugged lightly at her hair as she continued her gentle assault, hands wandering and desperate to touch as much of you as she could. “ I can’t take much more of this teasing “ you whispered after a few moments, tugging at her hair to make her raise her head.

Her fingers ghosted over the blooming marks on your skin. Blossoming spots of red and purple, marks of a gentle cruelty that had sent the most beautiful look of bliss to overcome your face. Yet another mark of possession on your skin, but not of chains and binds this time…. Of hatred. But of teeth. Of lips. Of desire.

Possession through the deep rooted need to keep you as her own, but simply to hold. To protect. To love.

“ Tess “ she wouldn’t make you wait any longer. She wanted to keep touching, to commit every single inch of you to memory. But she figured that she’d have plenty of opportunities to do so.

And she would give you anything you asked of her. So she would not make you wait.

Through a desire blurred haze she manoeuvred you to lay down, a blur of clothing making its way to the floor and soft moans as her hands ventured downwards.

“ no no keep looking at me “ she said, her voice as quiet as it had been since you’d lead her up those stairs, coaxing your head up from where you were hiding with her free hand “ that’s it I wanna see you “ you slipped a hand to the nape of her neck, pulling her down to press your forehead against hers with a small nod, lips parted slightly as she moved her fingers in soft circles.

She lost track of time. Of all straight forward thinking. The seconds and the minutes all blurring into a moonlit haze of body parts in her mind. She took her time, breaking you down and unwinding every single knot under your skin.

Nothing else existed outside the four walls of that room, just you and her. The soft lewd sounds of her fingers between your legs, your quiet whimpers and gasps into her mouth, the rustle of the sheets beneath you as you arched and writhed beneath her.

There was something incredible about having you there, foreheads pressed together as she hovered over you, something so… romantic. How your hands held onto her, fingertips warm like they were branding her skin. Isolated in that room in a newer way than she had been used to.

And when she finally brought you to your long awaited climax, she watched you intently. Admiring the beautiful way your face moved and contorted in pleasure, watching your lips part and your legs tremble.

You returned the favour once you’d regained your regular breathing pattern. Pushing her onto her back and leading a trail of soft kisses down her chest and her stomach, settling between her legs and sending her eyes falling into the back of her head.

Her back arching off the mattress and her hand twisting into your hair, relishing in a bliss she hadn’t felt in an incredibly long time.

And then you lay there together. A comfortable silence enveloping the room, only disturbed by the occasional kiss or soft sigh.

Tess’ fingers played gently with your hair, inevitably lulling you into sleep. And she took the time to think.

She realised that in the time she had lived there it was her first night actually sleeping in her bed. She glanced down at where you were sound asleep on her chest, the weight and warmth of you pressed against her keeping away any anxious thoughts that wanted to creep into her mind.

And she didn’t want to escape downstairs, didn’t want to run. To push you away and tell you to leave. That sleeping together was far more intimate to her than any form of sex act could be.

The thoughts didn’t come.

It had taken her meeting you to finally come to terms with what her life was now. And the things that she had done. That in the current climate there were really no good or bad people. Just human beings trying to survive. Do whatever it took to live to see another day. Doing unspeakable things to get by and trying to convince themselves afterwards that they had done the right thing. That they had had no choice.

And that was okay. She was coming to peace with that. She would never fully forget, but neither would anyone else. But that was okay. Because as long as she had you by her side, she was quite content in the knowledge that she could handle it.

That then come spring those flowers you had planted would bloom again and she would let her fears die with the frost.

Everything would be okay.

[thedemonsurfer]

-chinhands- I know everyone is up in a tizzy over Moon, but I wanna take a step back and look at the chain of events that have led to Moon's current state of mind.

And the root is Dark Sun.

So, Ruin Thanos-snapped a bunch of dimensions, and Solar is a casualty of that. Cue multiversal grief, Ruin getting locked up again, Eclipse getting bullied by Puppet and Frank into helping, and Moon declaring that he's going to find a solution.

Stuff happens next. Eclipse tries to pick a fight with Dark Sun and runs into his security system like a deer tangling with an electric fence, and also gets Something done to him. Moon finishes scanning Ruin, turns around for 2 minutes, and Ruin gets kidnapped (again). Moon hits a dead end with his research.

And Moon falls apart.

Up to this point, Moon had been pushing his grief off for later. There was a solution to this, he just had to find it. And that hope drained away over the course of the month, until he found a solution that involved sacrificing someone. Also the most justifiable candidate for this just left with spaghetti dinner.

Now, here's the crucial point. Because this is where Moon could have started to heal. He's being faced with the enormity of his grief, he's a few weeks behind his sibling on processing it, but he has the opportunity to do so here. There's nothing he can do to fix this, and he'll have to accept Solar's death.

This is fine. This is normal. This is healing.

And then Dark Sun showed up, grabbed Ruin out of the fridge, stapled him back together, and dropped him off on Moon's doorstep.

And Moon snapped.

Suddenly, he doesn't need to heal. He doesn't need to move on, he doesn't need to process. Opportunity is back on the table, and Moon latched onto it with hands and teeth, and he's not letting go.

It's not really hope anymore at this point, I think. It's desperation and fear. It's thinking himself a fool for even considering giving up on this chance. It's him moving his target from Ruin to Bloodmoon to possibly Eclipse or Stitchwraith or anyone else that's 'expendable'. It's using himself if he can't find a substitute.

And it's not about Solar, now. It's about control-- control over death.

And the root of control is fear.

And what he's afraid of, what Moon is actually fighting right now, is the fear of losing any more of his family. He has to bring back Solar, because it will prove that he can bring back any of them. If something goes wrong he can fix it. He has to fix it.

(I've got a whole aside comparing Ruin to Moon, but I started this thinking about Dark Sun specifically, so i'll try to stay focused)

So! That leads back around to what does Dark Sun get out of this?

Again, Moon was at a point where he could move on, until Dark Sun very deliberately intervened. This is exactly the same thing Ruin did by making Eclipse as a diversion to keep Moon occupied-- Moon is being nudged in a specific direction, and it's this plan for sacrifice. Eclipse apparently has an idea that won't involve sacrifice, and Dark Sun tampered with him so that he may or may not be dying (or his code is breaking down because it was based on Solar's).

So what does Dark Sun get out of it? Does he want to co-opt the procedure and use the energy or whatever for his own ends? Does he know the consequences and want to see them play out? Does he want a solution to the 'wiped from existence thing' as well, and is encouraging Moon to take the fallout if something goes wrong?

(They've said that time travel isn't a thing, I believe, which is a damn shame, because I think it'd be neat if Dark Sun was Solar in a time loop situation, where Moon brought him back but wrong and in the wrong time, and he's spent the past ??? years working back up to this point and is getting the loop closed. This isn't the solution but what if it was.)

Anyway, if Dark Sun interferes again to clear the way for Moon, that'll cement that he's directly benefiting from this, and we'll just have to see how things pan out.

OTL

[generic-sonic-fan]

The post where I do vague cultural worldbuilding headcanons for Sonic characters??

Sonic and Knuckles are mountain man bros in the sense that they both grew up in the wild raised by animals. They dunk themselves in a river, call themselves clean, and then fistbump about it. They eat fruit right off bushes. Knuckles can find you a damn good tuber in a pinch and Sonic would be able to snatch you a worm if you really wanted it. Knuckles finds it difficult to pick up on mainstream cultural customs but Sonic's always found it easy now that he's older.

Tails and Amy, meanwhile, grew up in towns. These towns had a definite human influence, hence their possession of first and last names, but they still grew up in a Mobian in-group of sorts. They know proper fur/quill care, feel that it's gender non-conforming for a boy to wear clothes and a girl to go without them, and are adept at reading ear/tail gestures. Tails was never really one for any small-town slang but Amy still uses more rural phrasing even now that she lives in a larger city.

Rouge grew up in a large city, so she's more well-versed in cultures other than her own. She's adopted some human rituals because she thinks they're fun, like face masks and shaving some of her body fur. She loves exploring human cuisines because they're "exotic" to her while Mobian cuisine are comfort foods. She's fluent in several different kinds of slang along with the gestures/manners of the different cultures.

Shadow was raised by humans. His mannerisms are unmistakably human. From wearing human-sized shirts around the house, to having a taste for "human" comfort foods, to being completely unable to read ear/tail gestures in conversation, any Mobian is able to peg him as an outsider pretty quickly. While he's absolutely embraced proper quill care, Rouge had to first point out to him that he was doing it wrong- using human shampoo is not going to cut it, hun.

Omega is. . . weird. For the most part, he's predictably alien: what few social customs he's bothered to learn he has to have observed first. Rouge has been a helpful educator on the rare occasion he gives a shit, usually in regards to slang translation to add to his dictionary. He's almost more like Knuckles in the sense that he was isolated and now he's playing catchup. Sometimes, sometimes, though, the assumptions Omega makes will lean more towards human biases. Anyone who values their life knows not to ever point that out to him.

Metal Sonic reads like a robot imitating a human imitating a Mobian. Yes, he can imitate Sonic's gestures, but it's the movement in between that's uncanny. The physicality of his limbs. The weight of each step in his out-of-combat walk cycle. It screams "human". Most of his cultural knowledge, the little that he has, comes from observing Eggman's daily routine. But Eggman is just one human, and an isolated and eccentric one at that. Metal Sonic could recognize a refrigerator but not a washing machine, could recognize a plate and fork but not any other kitchen cookware. His knowledge is piecemeal. His imitations are incomplete. He was designed for combat, nothing more. His unconscious attempts to fill in the gaps are illogical, aren't they?

Silver is permanently locked into a culture called "survival mode". That's a joke, but only mostly. His behaviors more closely match that of someone growing up in extreme poverty. He can't stand to throw stuff away and he has a hypervigilance about danger that someone who grew up in a "bad neighborhood" would understand. Not to mention that any cultural values he has learned are a few hundred years out of date, so his guesses at any customs tend to be slightly off.

Blaze is from a different dimension, which basically reads as just a different culture than the one that's prominent where most of Sonic's friends reside! She actually gets a kick out of sharing her customs and comparing them to everyone else's. She's also from an extremely privileged walk of life, though, and it definitely shows no matter how much research she does to try and be less ignorant about how "normal" life works.

[jellolegos]

From Alicent and Rhaenyra's kids which one do you think would be the perfect Rhaenicent baby? I'm leaning towards Jace simply because he looks like Alicent but is a lot like Rhaenyra.

mmm yes I see the family resemblence

and i've seen quite a bit of helaena too (and find it kinda funny that alicent canonically kinda tried to baby-trap rhaenyra with her) which i like :]

Memes aside I know this isn't probably the answer you were looking for but I think both helaena and jace have some interesting non-maternal parent stuff that I would really be loathe to get rid of, so I think neither! They would have to name their joint kid aegon though seeing as they both have an aegon...

For helaena (IN THE SHOW), I've seen, rightly so, a lot of analysis on her relationship with her mother. However, I haven't seen as much reflection on her relationship (or really lack thereof) with Viserys, which I find really equally compelling. I have always interpreted Viserys' relationship with his two daughters parallel insights into how Viserys' passivity ultimately results in the dance (which kinda boils down to how a 'good' king can often be a weak one). Whilst his favouring of Rhaenyra, which is blinding to the extent that he endangers her as a queen, shows his weakness as a regent, his comparative neglect of helaena shows his weakness as a Targaryen.

One of first scenes we get of Viserys is the one where he proclaims the absolute weight of prophecy and his vision of his son on the Iron Throne.

'This child is a boy, Aemma. I’m certain of it. I’ve never been certain of anything. The dream was clearer than a memory. Our son was born, wearing Aegon’s iron crown. And I heard the sound of thundering hooves, splintering shields and ringing swords. And I placed our son up on the Iron Throne, as the bells of the grand sept rung, and all the dragons roared as one.'

This leads to him killing Aemma for Baelon (who he believes is said son). In ep 2 or 3 while Alicent is pregnant with Helaena we get this line/scene as well,

'Many in my line being dragonriders. Very few among us have been dreamers. What is the power of a dragon next to the power of prophecy. When Rhaenyra was a child I saw it in a dream. As vivid as this flames. A male babe born to me, wearing the Conqueror’s crown.'

So, Viserys is clearly motivated by prophecy and the power of both his own visions and those of Aegon (the Conqueror's) and it is a key driver for his actions in s1. But it is also a targaryen trait, and therefore he is very much attached to that specific dimension of Targaryen exceptionalism.

However he cannot, for whatever reason, see Helaena as a dragon dreamer or value Helaena's visions with equal weight. I don't think Viserys listening to Helaena's warnings would've prevented the war but they very well could have. I mean she essentially reiterates his dream here, modifying it from 'all of the dragons roared as one' to 'dragons of flesh, weaving dragons of thread'. Where Viserys interpreted a common dragon roar as a unification of the dragons, Helaena correctly sees this as a division of the dragons, both literal and in name (Targaryens).

I see him as a character who is attached to the ideal of both a Targaryen and a king, but unable to adequately fulfill either role; nostalgia and idealism allow him to sleepwalk into a civil war. He wants a political successor, who he believes he does not have when really she's right under his nose, and a Targaryen successor for his dragon dreams, who similarly goes unrecognised.

I don't really have an intelligent way of articulating this, other than vibes, but his one and only ride of Balerion the Black Dread seems an extension of this 'nostalgia as a fatal flaw' theme for him.

So I really Helaena as being viserys' daughter as much as alicent's.

For Jacaerys, it's a little harder for me just because I'm a little less engaged with the men of the show as whole (doing the opposite of the normal fandom thing that happens, giving the women rich inner lives while I ignore the men lol). But I think there's a similar wrinkle and depth added with Harwin Strong as his dad (chivalric, brave and strong, but just not a Targaryen), and I don't think Alicent would fill a similar role. He is sort of characterised by an internal tension regarding his status as a bastard which I think was developed really well in s2, and the tension is one that will continue to really drive him until his sacrifice and death in s3. It was one of my favourite parts of the last season and made me like Jace as a character a lot more, tbh. I was sort of neutral on him previously. I think having a woman as his dad would certainly give him all sorts of other complicated feelings (!), but maybe not in the same way.

Since I think both of those parts are really important for the story overall, I'd rather not get rid of either! I guess my Rhaenicent kid would be an Aegon with auburn hair and violet eyes, lol

[ikamigami]

I'm so happy that Moon opened up so much about his trauma and his feelings bsbzbzbzbbznx QwQ 💞

I'm proud of him 🥹💗

Earth really did awesome job with helping Moon with this stuff 👏

I'm glad that Earth is more understanding to why others don't tell her everything right away.. she starts to understand that she knows she can trust them and they'll definitely let her know in their own time..

She still feels hurt but it's a start and I'm proud of her as well 💞

It's good to see that Monty is honest with Earth about Taurus <3

And I'm happy to see Monty hanging out with Lunar like they used to ^^

And at last.. Sun.. spill your guts finally pls QwQ

Why he has to wait to open up till trauma just corners him and basically forces him to face his issues and feelings? - July 16th and Dazzle..

The silence when Sun heard that Moon nearly died again.. was painful QwQ

And yet the only thing he told is like always "Nexus wants to use to find shards and he doesn't seem to listen"..

Like pls Sun what about "Nexus told me how I and everyone else were unable to see him as his own person and I'm just still scared of him being hurt or dead"..

I think I know why Sun doesn't want to talk about this or about the specifics of what Creator told him in that dream or how Dark Sun told him about Moons killing their Suns in most dimensions.. or about what Goliath told him.. or about anything else like that really..

Cause Sun holds all the blame for all these things to himself.. he blames himself for everything..

"Sometimes I don't know how to help.."

"The fact that you support him is really helpful.."

Earth is right obviously.. but I'm sure that this line won't help Sun too much..

Cause look what happened when he was supportive to Nexus.. look how it ended..

I swear when Sun will finally admit to how much he feels guilty and blames himself for everything I'll be old bdndndnx/jjjj naaah but I'm sure that Sun won't admit to it too soon QwQ

Also ha! to all the peeps that were angry at me for saying that Sun is self-harming - look what Moon admitted that he's doing to himself hmmm ʘ⁠‿⁠ʘ

So I guess that talking about self-harm is okay.. and hints towards them having suicidal thoughts.. but at least no one will commit suicide.. cause we have that confirmed..

I just wish that people weren't so hacking rude and condescending towards me for saying that Sun is suicidal or that he's self-harming..

Like I said the only thing that I exaggerated about was that Sun will kill himself.. but other than that just leave me tf alone if you disagree with me on Sun's mental state.. ofc I'm always open to normal discussion ^^

So yeah anyway.. I think that Sun may do something reckless.. because he won't be able to kill Nexus.. that's my theory 👏

Xbjsndbdbndnd I just wish that at least someone would know.. at least one person.. how much Sun struggles with guilt delusion and all.. pls QwQ sbsnnsnxndnxn

But I'll wait patiently and suffer with Sun crying and enjoying the angst (⁠人⁠*⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

Also I saw someone's comment that maybe it could help Moon if he saw how much Eclipse's changed and grew (⁠ㆁ⁠ω⁠ㆁ⁠) and honestly I agree ^^

I also wish that Eclipse would be first to find out that Sun holds so much guilt QwQ pls 🙏

Also I'm so happy that Sun and Jack talked in today's sams episode zbnxnxnxnx but I'm sorry Jack but it's hard to make Sun to spill his guts QwQ you tried though *gives headpats to Jack* ^⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠^

And Sun and Jack watching a movie together vzbxbxbbxbzbxb

Sun sleeping on James Bond "how dare you, sir?!" Hdjjdjdjdjd /jjjj I know that Sun just didn't have much time when he was only one working in the Daycare to watch stuff and now he mostly play games when he isn't overthinking stuff or cleaning vxbxbsnsnnsns

Also hell yeah I love Kingsmen xbxnnxnxnxn yay yay yay (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) Sun you'll love it x3 💞

And I'm so glad that Solar and Sun seem so comfortable with each other compared to how it was before vxbxjnxnxnxnxn ✧⁠◝⁠(⁠⁰⁠▿⁠⁰⁠)⁠◜⁠✧

Sams episode was funny and wholesome bxbxbbxbxbxnx

[cindersnows]

short essay thing i wrote in avf about plural tsc that i feel like people should see bc its so interesting to me

just to preface i highly highly doubt this is all intentional on alan+teams part due to the fact that plurality is just ,, not that well known. also im not too knowledgable on non traumagenic systems and all the stuff surrounding that so i will just be speaking from what i know from my own experience + research

so anyways. from the start of sec's life she has been kind of in a high stress situation. from the getgo she had to hide her existence from alan due to likely knowing the fate of the other living sticks he has made + the fact that she very much isnt supposed to be alive. she lets her guard down, makes friends, and then almost instantly theyre all deleted. although did and osdd1 form from long-term trauma (often accompanied by cptsd) and all of this only happened in a few minutes, at the very least this provides the basis for some sort of dissociation

theres a moment where she glitches and changes to black for a second. obviously back then this was intended to be an allusion to the fact that she's the chosen one's return, since alan+team hadn't planned ava s2 yet and tco was just regular dead atp, but its interesting to consider the sudden change in her personality. shes not even shown to be overly angry like she usually is, just a. Calm?? specifically the same calm that preceeds her beating up tdl in ava s2.

notably that moment in s2 where she unlocks her powers is like. sudden change in personality and demeanor, suddenly gaining the powers, and memory loss afterwards. even though she only really switches between two "modes" it's reminiscent of switching between two alters (while its uncommon for a system to have only two alters it's not unheard of, especially in cases of osdd-1a where theres not much distinction between personality states).

i said ava/e specifically because the aveducation videos in particular provide a very interesting insight into tsc's psyche. while alan said in his avg avma video that the series isn't canon, a few things about the series have already been retconned. avphys was originally supposed to be the last entry in the series, but with avma+avphys+avgeo's massive success and the lead animator's interest in these sort of topics i wouldn't be surprised if they continued to make more, especially considering that they're now interconnected via avgeo. phi, who appeared at the end of avma, is the protagonist of avgeo, and there's that scene at the end that teases avphys that i'll also get into in a sec because it's very interesting.

about why i think it represents tsc's psyche specifically and not just some math dimensions that tsc happens to stumble upon: in the avg avma video dj proposes the dream theory, that this is all happening in a dream during ava s3. noncanon of course but considering alan himself knows about it and ave seems to be gaining some kind of overarching arc, as well as the fact that its releasing between ava s3 episodes (which is going to focus on tsc's powers) i wouldn't be surprised if the episodes slowly grow more and more representative of her mental state as she works towards properly unlocking her powers

anyways speculation aside. avphys introduces a second second (haha). this is explained through the mechanics of time loops and whatnot, but at the same time, the hat tsc seems to know a lot more than regular tsc, having.. basically created the universe. even if our tsc can then explain this to the next tsc, hat tsc is shown to literally create the entire universe avphys takes place in (again tying back to her powers of creation) and also act much calmer and composed compared to our tsc. it seems like hat tsc is somewhat representative of the state tsc gets into when she unlocks her powers, shown both times in ava s1 and 2. shes cool and mysterious and all knowing i want her so bad

the scene at the end of avgeo is the most compelling thing for this idea (and the push that made me go "ohhhh my god multiplies her). hat tsc appears once more, this time seemingly wanting to communicate more with our tsc, but being cut short by tsc getting surprised and falling. the most interesting part to me is the imagery in this part— there's tons and tons of tsc's, all reflected, and being reflections makes them slightly different from what we see (of course light refraction will always make things appear slightly different; discolored, blurred, flipped etc). hat tsc is framed as Also a reflection despite being shown as different person/personality state.

i just got back from dinner and lost my train of thought. im not sure if this is enough for other people to consider her plural but at the very least i feel like interpreting her as such does enhance one's reading and understanding of her, as well as how you write her (for those who do).

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

Wisdom Teeth Removal

Your girl is getting her wisdom teeth yanked today so here's how I think the cast reacts on anesthesia

Heartslaybul

Riddle: He's so so sleepy, and starts crying when he's told he can't sleep yet. He's very emotional, just wants cuddles, BUT he gets really excited when he can still eat like the custard part of a tart.

Trey: He's just Not Present whatsoever, he's in a different dimension. Just leave him to his thoughts and make sure he eats he's fine.

Cater: Does a tiktok with a before and after audio. However when he sees himself in the camera he starts crying and calling himself ugly, he needs cuddles and reassurance. In relationships where it is appropriate, he will try to kiss his partner and get So Sad when they won't kiss him

Deuce: Also pretty spacey, starts crying when he hears/sees his mom, but is also convinced he's spiderman.

Ace: Flirts with the nurse on the way to the car, is convinced he's being kidnapped like....

"Y'all are kidnappin me?"

"no we'r-"

"Its cuz I'm hot ahaha" *fuckboy face*

when he notices his bandaid he gets mad "I ain't a fuckin pussy, take it off"

Savanaclaw

Leona: He doesn't have wisdom teeth this son of a bitch. and although I really want to imagine Leona on anesthesia, chances are hes still just sleepy and gets mad when he cant have burger

Ruggie: Is convinced his gauze falling out is his tongue and panics, "I cant afford that" and while crying tries to stuff it back into his mouth

Jack: my poor baby is bullied so much by his upperclassmen that he's convinced that they took his legs too and just starts crying. They let himvideocall with his siblings and he starts crying and telling them how much he loves them.

Octavinelle

Azul: wough baby boy is so out of it, he doesnt even notice when smoothie starts dripping down his chin bc he can't feel it. He starts crying if you tell him he's making a mess, but is fine the moment he's shown he's clean.

Jade + Floyd: Wakes up during surgery around the same time as Floyd and both of them are trying to talk to each other and laughing because they cant with peoples hands in their mouths. Also this links to a tiktok thats like them. After.

Scarabia

Kalim: I can't find the video, but when he's sitting in the chair after surgery he notices a nurse leave the room and starts crying. "They should be here. Everyone should be here to see me"

Jamil: He and Najma get them done at the same time, he's emotional, she's making fun of him, gets confused in a funny way when he cries and tells him to stop being a baby

Pomefiore

Vil: He gets mad if you record him, he's still coherent enough to know he doesnt want a phone in his face, but the audio clips are immaculate. Compares himself to god more than once.

Rook: Son of a bitch doesnt have wisdom teeth >:(

Epel: Pulls his shirt away from his chest to look down and gets sad "they didn't gimme my muscles" and is absolutely miserable

Ignihyde

Idia: Ortho fucks around with him some, puts pringles cans on his arms and convinces him he's ironman/some equivalent from an anime or something. Mans is hyper in attitude but wont get up from his chair. Yes Ortho livestreams it to the rest of Ignihyde.

Ortho: N/A

Diasomnia

Malleus: he's really weepy after getting his wisdom teeth out. Lilia convinces him that his horns have grown legs and walked away and Malleus proceeds to cry more until his favourite person shows up and all is right in the world again.

Lilia: He's a runner he's a track staaaar, someone put him on a leash because he will unlock and open the door of a moving vehicle to try to jump out (HC that medical practitioners can enforce magic restraints so that while a patient is incapable of making an informed decision they cannot use magic) also dances a lot. Looooves to talk on the phone,ven if theres nobody on the other end.

Silver: Sleepy baby stays a sleepy babyyyy

Sebek: He has the widest fucking eyes at everything, everything feels waaaaay too fast for him, but its the first time hes so quiet , hes like dead silent

Masterlist

[citrus-cactus]

Citrus' Art Summary 2024!

I made my own template this year, based on filling in all the squares of a 5x7 grid. Not sure I recommend this method; it was difficult to both place pieces in roughly chronological order and make the layout varied & interesting, and I feel like the final result is too easily divisible into (uneven) quadrants, which I wanted to avoid. Ah well, maybe I'll think up a better system next year! :)

This is a bit of an odd year for an art summary, because while I created something every month and I'm legitimately proud of SO MANY of these, I kind of... stopped publishing my art to the Internet in the latter part of the year. There are various reasons for this. I'm not sure all of them are good, especially given the above statement about being proud of everything I made on the whole. But I'll talk about that beneath the cut, since that's where I usually ruminate about the year. There are also links to full pieces (where they exist) at the very end.

***

First, the positive! I branched out a lot this year (or at least... continued the trends that were starting to form in 2023). I did a lot of uh... darker/more serious art? Which I have enjoyed immensely, though I know it can be a bit of a tone whiplash compared to most of my finished art from past years. I love cute, happy things!! But I have these other dimensions that have long been in need of exercising. My favorite thing that I did is probably the first Bad End Takuma piece from January, which was for Survive Week. I just... really love how it came together. It surprised me every step of the way, and it was full of happy accidents (despite the subject matter! Lol). I still look at it and am like "wow! I made that!!" But I really like October's piece too. It's an illustration for a fanfic I'm (still) working on, and it gives me emotions. Justice for minor characters. Justice for minor characters for 1000 years!!! XD

Besides fanart, I made some other things! I published a secret fanfic (it's absolutely not hard to find if you're willing to do a little searching, but there's no way I'm going to link to it ever! Sorryyyyy! :3). I spent two weeks in Iceland, and somehow that inspired a fair bit of artistic endeavors XD September shows a small sample of a digital collage that includes several photos my spouse and I took (as well as some other stuff. The full piece partially communicates my somewhat-cynical thoughts about being a tourist in Iceland). November shows a drawing from an 8-page zine about hiking the Laugavegur Trail, which was an amazing experience! I also cross-stitched a Christmas ornament for a family member this month! None of these were intended for an Internet audience, but they were all fun and somewhat different to do!

So... yeah, the whole "not sharing art" thing. It started because I was... kind of frustrated with how few notes I felt I was getting compared to how hard I felt I had worked on some of these pieces? Which is... I mean, I know it's silly. More effort =/= more notes, especially since I'm focusing my creative efforts on such tiny little niches of the Digimon fandom (sadly, Appmon and Digimon Survive are just not that popular, especially compared to Adventure!), so any "engagement" on that art is going to be low, because the audience is just not that large to begin with. Plus, activity on Tumblr just seems to be tailing off in general. And I GET that numbers on posts shouldn't matter. I really, super-duper get that! But when something you worked really hard on and are excited to see people respond to only gets a handful of notes... well, it does kind of sting a bit, or makes me feel like I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up about it being received well. And then I end up waiting with baited breath for the usernames associate I with the fandom to react to it. If I don't see them in my notes, does it mean they hate it? Or did they just miss it? It's not something I have any control over, so why does it matter to me?

And it's NOT to say I don't appreciate the notes and comments I DO get. I appreciate them so much!! I just hate knowing that my worth as an artist has become tangled up in this notice-me-senpai attitude I seem to have created for myself. I hate caring about numbers (I know I should not care about them!), and I hate how much I seem to care about numbers. Posting used to bring joy, but now it brings... I don't know, anxiety and entitlement mixed with disappointment, I guess? So I decided to remove it from of my art process. I took a purposeful hiatus from The Numbers and caring about who sees my art to really just create for myself, for the first time in many years... and overall, I think it was a healthy way to hit "reset" on myself and my ego's ravenous desires.

But now... well, I don't exactly know to proceed.

There are things I do want to post, that I want other people to see! But the situation on Tumblr and on the Internet at large really isn't any different, and I'm not sure it's different in my brain, either. Can I continue to not care about The Numbers if I put them back in my life? I hope so, but I'm not certain. On top of that, I'm doing a lot of of art for a different fandom, and I'm still unpacking... well, let's call it what it is: a seemingly unending supply of middle school shame that I feel about Liking This Thing Too Much, which (apparently) never really went away. Yikes! This is a "me" problem, it has ALWAYS been a "me" problem. So that's a fun feeling to have (...not :/). Plus it's just... idk, different fandom, different people, different opinions flying around, I've been away from it for so long, do I really belong here?? But of course I do (even when I feel like I'm being so incredibly cringe... looking at you, August). I bring my own unique viewpoints to all the fandoms that I'm a part of (as does everyone!), and by sharing our ideas and stories and passions, we create our own community and extend the lives of the things we love. I do want to continue to be a part of that, but getting back on that horse is hard for me right now! I took a posting hiatus for health, but it also made me that much more shy. I have been thinking about my Return to Posting Art for months at this point, which again feels silly, because it's so easy to hit "post" on one of the many things I have saved up. I probably will go back to it... I'm just not exactly sure when. Maybe when I have something Digimon-related to share. Digimon is comfortable and safe. It's the only fandom I've felt like I really belong in. Sharing anything else feels... too personal somehow, and also too unknown. All of these have been thorny problems to grapple with, and I'm still working my way through them, carefully and slowly.

So yeah. Phew! If you made it through all that existential angst, you deserve a medal! But I can't give you one, so here are those links to the full pieces that I promised:

JANUARY: Bad End Takuma #1 ("Cooperation")

FEBRUARY: Survive Week Day 5 ("Villains")

MARCH: Dark Ages Gargirls

APRIL: HaruShinkai-Daily 4th Anniversary/100 Follower omake

MAY: Bad End Takuma #2 ("Darkness & Loss")

JUNE: Happy Birthday, Haru! (2024)

JULY: OC drawn on iPad

OCTOBER: “True” fanfic illustration

[sabrondabrainrot]

Just finished "Dark Sun CONFRONTS SUN in VRchat" SO

it's late and I need to go to bed for the weekend plans but I HAVE TO WRITE THIS I think D!Sun isn't doing this for OUR SUN I think he's doing things for the CONCEPT of Sun. He just showed Sun all the worlds where Sun dies, mostly because of Moon.

I usually don't believe what villains say, but here's the thing. This is Sun to Sun. D!Sun is one of those villain's who won't share all the things he wants to do. He trickles out just enough to raise more questions but never give anything of importance away.

Neptor, in the last episode I just finished, did implode. He warned Neptor that is what would happen. He didn't lie to Neptor. He hasn't lied about Nexus. He still sees Nexus as a Moon but hasn't lied about any of his actions. Nexus has done all the things D!Sun warned Sun and Moon about.

So I'm taking what he says to Sun as the truth. I think he's telling Sun this information because it's the most opportune time. He told Sun all the things he CAN do. He fully believes Sun can kill his baby dragon WitherStorm.

He told Sun that he is capable.

D!Sun wants Sun to gain his own independence because I think D!Sun sees our Sun as his HOPE.

Dark Sun wants to SAVE all Suns. He wants to save the future ones from dying. Not just from Moon's (that's the main reason though) but also from other things.

We haven't heard of a Sun council, but I think what we're witnessing in the show is the lead up to one being finally formed.

It's canon in the show that Eclipse's tried to work together and ultimately fail.

I don't remember if Moon's were ever stated to try to make councils but it seems most go crazy beyond the point of return far too soon to form one.

Creator is the only person who made a working council and that's due to their own shared delusions. They, however, did not have strength in numbers due to their own shortcomings and egos. They thought they could be uncontested while they 'researched' WitherStorms.

Ruin, a singular amalgam, killed off the entire Creator council in one fell swoop.

ANYWAYS

I think that D!Sun wants to make a council with our Sun, because he's been watching their dimension for a long time. I think he was watching since before Moon even reset and created N!Moon.

I made a silly haha joke about the council of Suns a few weeks ago but now I'm actually seeing character motivation and proof on it.

D!Sun is a villain who's not really done villainous stuff...he's been a schemer and he can't be trusted...but he's not done anything horribly evil yet (besides Neptor, that was so sad, but compared to literally everyone else in the show he did the same thing that Old Moon did to that one Moon robot he built that went rogue in one day. Old Moon blowing that bot up was treated for laughs but what D!Sun did was treated serious, food for thought). He does cherry pick what information he gives but the strange thing is, he hasn't lied. Not once. Early on he flat out told Eclipse and Ruin what he was going to do to them when he put something in their heads. He just didn't tell them what it was. He also grabbed N!Moon and told him he'd scan his head and he did just that, then sent him home. We know he also took a chance to secretly move his dimension and save it during Ruin's revenge scheme. (It's unclear if Ruin's statement that 'Dark Sun killed another Dimension' is valid or not)

I think D!Sun picked N!Moon as the catalyst to making our Sun independent from all Moons.

Nexus is a Moon who started off completely differently from any other Moon. As far as Nexus was aware they were never merged, they never had to fight for dominance. He had the ever present shadow of Old Moon....but that's it.

He got to be a gentle sweet and loving brother to Sun and the rest of his growing family. He wasn't perfect, but with time he would have been a great family member. It was growing to be that way.

I think D!Sun was waiting and hoping Nexus would also go crazy. Like every other Moon he's ever watched. He called him 'a dead one'. We have no privy to how other reset Moons are. The chances are they all are doomed by their own narrative to kill their Sun or just go insane.

While he didn't cause Nexus' to go crazy...he was fully banking on it to happen.

After all, Sun is willing to forgive Old Moon for hurting him over and over because he can excuse it away. "Moon was trapped in my head so it is justifiable why he was mad and lashing out." "Moon had the kill code so it makes sense why he hurt me and flew into blind murderous rage." "I call Moon brother and that means something to me." Sun has always found SOME WAY to justify why he should forgive Old Moon. It's his greatest strength and his greatest weakness.

D!Sun I think wants to show our Sun that forgiveness can run out. There's also the added bonus N!Moon/Nexus promised to never hurt Sun or be like Old Moon.

He broke that promise.

This is also D!Sun's evidence that Moons are going to always be 'evil' or in the wrong.

D!Sun is also studying things that were thought to be impossible. He's taming WitherStorms and learning how to communicate with them. He's figured out how to make multidimensional star energy work. He's done the impossible over and over. He, like our Sun, has the uncanny ability to affect and change fate.

My entire theory is just this, I think D!Sun is trying to rewrite the universal fate of all Sun's and he's starting with ours. The one we know, because he hopes that he can break other Sun's free.

Free from Moons. Free from suffering. Free from death.

He states he just "wants to be left alone." but he's ALWAYS interfering. Even visiting Puppet's original world to go to the grave-site of the Sun and Moon that tore themselves apart.

D!Sun can't sit by because he knows too much. He knows too much on the suffering that occurs to every innocent Sun out there. He's still a Sun. He's just the Sun that loves other Suns.

It explains so much. It explains why he's bothering to do any of this. Explains why he went and killed Lord Eclipse/witness his downfall personally. It explains why he told Puppet to not hesitate with BloodMoon (the entity that's tortured Sun from day 1 with the July incident). It also explains why he's kind to Earth and Lunar, even joking with them while subtly hinting how to catch Goliath. Explains why he kissed Sun on the mo-

I mean....

Anyways that's my late night rambles typed this up 30 mins before bed hope it's coherent. I couldn't sleep unless I wrote this down. That was such a good episode.

I also want to go in to how D!Sun is super wrong and I think Nexus is going to subvert the expectation by snapping out of it but idk about that one. I have to wait and see. I would want nothing more then for D!Sun to be wrong about all Moons.