#and i probably wont be able to finish the next one and start the last until january starts because of winter break. whatever

[coern]

i have been trying to get this gay ass thread through this needle for 20 goddamn minutes

[ggsbooks123]

Fighting back (part three)

summary: jude wants things to be the way they were before as her memories finally come back to her but to do that, she has to start fighting back…

warning; sadly this is not the final part, some angst and fluff for surez y’all deserve it!

— — —

My mind should have been on the tunnels, on what dangers probably lurked around the corner. The voices against Peeta coming back… my own voice that now haunts me over and over with thoughts that sound… deserving. Instead, I can’t seem to shake Castor’s — Pollux’s brother — retelling of Pollux’s past and why he would be able to lead us through the tunnels.

He’d been an Avox, if I had taken the time to actually fight the thought in my head instead of letting his subdue me, letting it convince me that Peeta was evil. Peeta. I shake my head, waiting as the others climbed down the ladder, I couldn’t even look at him or Pollux now, two people who deserved better.

I clenched my fists as Pollux and I stood alone before the ladder, he stared at me but not in a way that was offensive more that he was reading me. Trying to sense if you’ll kill him next, I frown before quickly stepping down the ladder after Cressida, the daylight from outside began to dwindle more and more as I climbed down, soon the artificial lighting from the tunnel creeped in, it wasn’t anything special.

Lucky for us.

The last thing we needed was a spotlight on us.

Finally joining back with the group all we have to do is wait for Pollux to climb down and when I glance to my right, Castor is beside me with that same questionable look, reading reading reading. I internally tell myself to shut up, it felt like I was a record held on loop, utterly out of my control. Was I getting worse?

“You okay? Pollux wanted to check on you more but wasn’t sure if you were warm to meeting new people yet” Castor speaks with a easy calmness, I envy it even now I can feel my hands shaking and beads sweating at my forehead but still I take a deep breath.

“The-“ Could I say voices? “The thoughts I’ve been having have changed direction, not to anyone of you and it’s not so easy to push down but no one should get hurt by it” No one but you, the voice seems to jeer. He smiles lightly at that but I’m not finished “Pollux is incredibly brave, I- I didn’t take the time to talk to anyone but I had tunnel vision and I wasn’t fighting but now I am and I want to know who I’m fighting with” Somehow his smile widens as Pollux finally comes down and reaches our side immediately seeking comfort in this dark place with his brother.

The others are standing a little away from us, already taking a peek at what lies ahead but it’s nothing but endless tunnel and tracks, surely there wouldn’t be any trains running at the moment. But we’d been lucky with the lights, two times lucky definitely wasn’t our thing. Suddenly an intake of breath makes me glance back at the brothers beside me, Pollux is now sweating profusely and can’t seem to take in a breath for the life of him. Maybe he remembered how you sent his friend to his death, I try to push my voice down so I can focus but it’s weeded within me like a virius. It is me.

Instantly my hand comes to his shoulder, I see Castor beside me reach for his weapon and understand his actions and try not to let myself be hurt by it as Pollux’s eyes connect with mine, I wouldn’t let the Capitol control thrm anymore, not with fear, not while they assaulted me with it.

“They wont hurt you again, Pollux. I swear on my life, you will see the end of Snow” I hear it, trying to sliver back it, Snow’s voice. Kill him, let him burn for- No, not anymore.

And this time, I’m met with silence… An itch remains, but I know it’s self-inflicting and safe, for now.

But i’d fought for them, and I’d keep doing it. I smile at Pollux as he takes a deep breath, Castor’s hand had moved from reaching for his gun to Pollux’s other arm, “We got you, buddy” Pollux smiles gratefully at the two of us, wiping at tears I hadn’t noticed fell before we finally joined the group.

Jackson and Katniss seemed to take lead with Pollux as the rest of tagged behind, as I moved to follow I noticed a certain blonde missing and instantly spin to locate the missing boy and sigh of relief comes out when he’s standing behind me, looking at me and the smallest flicker of hope. But it’s gone in an instant, as he clears his throat “That was nice of you, I wasn’t sure I’d had known what to do”

How heartless do you have to be to be thanked for being nice. My voice heckles me and I clench my jaw.

“It’s awful, I always think I’d had it bad then I actually open my ears to other peoples experiences and I just- I understand now. Why this fight is so necessary, its all clicking” I admit to him, it’s not much to work on but I’d do anything to see that hope in his eyes again, the stars ill never reach… Oh Peeta.

I feel myself reach out for him before I snap back into my body. You don’t deserve him, and you never will. You never did.

I turn and walk to catch up to the others, though my mind is everywhere at once. I want to get better, and be better and stay alive but the nightlock pocket burns and burns and burns, i know that I have to use it, i know that I’m too far gone too far gone too- I shake my head, I need to stop doing that.

My mind is on fire and my feet won’t stop, until I slam into a hard wall. No, my head doesn’t ache and the wall’s arms have closed around me? No, not a wall. I look up, and I frown. Finnick always manages to find me at my worst, how does he do it? I’ll have to ask him some time.

I shake my head, what the hell was I thinking? I had just run off on Peeta and now I was talking about wanting to ask Finnick something, I shouldn’t have run. But my mind is scrambled whenever he latches on and lets go, was this how I’d live? Latching onto to him my whole life, a dead weight chained to his ankle…

“You’re mumbling and kinda freaking me out” Finnick’s voice is like someone taking a sledgehammer to a static tv, the silence is deafening in my skull. I look up at him “I’m sorry for saying anything, this is way creepier” I let out a chuckle and shake my head.

“You’re such an asshole” I whisper, my hand rubbing at my temples as a headache grows there, and the unreachable itch never sways but I’ve grown accustomed to it, sometimes it felt as if it wasn’t there, never like how it evaporates when Peeta touches me though.

I don’t understand, it didn’t work like that with the other voice, I’d tried to kill him enough and our skin had touched, but why now? “I- Peeta deserves so much more than some broken girl” Is all I manage to whisper.

And I’m waiting for it, the obviously, no wonder look at you, it seriously took you this long to figure that out. But they don’t come and when he does speak, I don’t understand how I could think so lowly of him sometimes .

“That guy could live a hundred lifetimes with hundreds of different girls and I’m almost positive that they’re all forgotten when finally meets you” I freeze, looking up at Finnick

“Finnick I-“

“You don’t see because you want him to hate you for what you’ve done, but he loves you so much and I really hope you remember how much you reciprocated that… I thought I loved Annie with everything in me until I saw you looking at Peeta before the 75th games” He shakes his head, a dazed smile on his face “You were looking at your whole life right in front of you, your future and you looked on top of the world”

I bit my lip and close my eyes for a moment because I can feel it, the warmth in my chest and clench of my stomach with how I left him. I did love him with everything in me, and more.

And I couldn’t give up now.

— — —

“Maybe the tunnels weren’t the best idea” Finnick teases after we dashed into another passing tunnel to avoid a train making it’s way through and we all distastefully look at him, his eyes flick between all of us “Top side?” Pollux huffs and I can’t help but smile, poking his head around the corner to make sure everything was clear.

I take the time to look over at Peeta, we hadn’t said anything to each other after I ran off like a child, I wanted to groan into my hands right there. You’re just kids, after what I just did it wasn’t so surprising anymore. I wanted to be able to put all this behind us and give into that hope that he was so easily filled with but I just can’t- Not after Boggs and Mitchell… I close my eyes as we wait for the tram to pass us.

“We definitely can’t stay here” Katniss speaks up, and this time Pollux doesn’t seem to annoyed by the fact, probably because Finnick liked to tease and lighten a situation, and this situation was one that definitely needed it but was a little to obvious when someone did.

Pollux waves over his shoulder before we’re jogging over the tracks that were just being used, quick and together to make sure no one gets left behind and hoping another tram doesn’t soon come through again. But it’s not long before we reach a door and Pollux takes a second to unlock it before quickly rushing inside, and Cressida turned to me quickly, us being the first two behind Pollux “Wanna stay here and make sure everyone gets in?”

My heart warms, she trusted me. I tried not to show how much it meant to me as I nodded, placing my back to the door keeping it open as I rushed the others inside. The first one behind me is Finnick who sends me a wink, probably knowing how much this small tasks means to me.

They’re finally seeing me as a member and not a bomb about to go off. I try not to get my hopes up especially when a certain blonde passes next, he sends me a soft smile, eyes lingering half a second too long before he was out of sight through the door, I let out a breath I hadn’t even noticed I was holding. The next few go by uneventfully, Messalla and Castor who both send me smiles, Messalla a little more strained I knew he was friends with Mitch more so than anyone here. Then holding up the rear is Jackson and finally Katniss.

Her brown eyes burn into mine as I look down at my feet, something that slowly makes it way in is the memories of Katniss. I hadn’t realised how much they had wiped until recently, the voices spitting at me for forgetting her, my best friend. The girl who saved my life when she didn’t even know who I was.

The 74th Hunger games is what I’m tossed back into, watching all the time in between pass before I’m watching myself dart through the forest.

I run and run until I can’t stop, and I know it’s not long away now. The careers’s had broken apart to try to cut me off but I’d managed to lose three of them but one of them were still right on my tail, there was no way I would be able to outrun him, I’d caught a sight of his brown hair and lanky form. Especially with the things I had done in the past twenty minutes to get rid of his three friends. The forest leaves smacked into me and the humid air around me wasn’t helping my panting breaths. I would either stop on my own or collapse and stopping wasn’t an option.

I take the moment of silence behind me to look over my shoulder… there’s no one behind me. I let myself slow as I plant my hands on my knees, desperately trying to suck air into my lungs. I think back to what my mentor said, that I should try and ally with some of the victors but I couldn’t do it, not when I knew I’d have to kill them by the end of it. But now, standing here physically unable to stand on my own, I wish someone was there to watch my back.

Because I hear the footsteps coming from my right far to late, I quickly shoot up just in time for Career’s shoulder to smack directly into my stomach as he tackles me to the ground, even with the fatigue crawling through my bones I struggle underneath him, kicking my legs in every direction but his legs are on both sides of my torso, locking my arms against my body. Panic began to flare within me, I was going to die.

The boy actually laughs as I struggle, it’s sickening to watch and I don’t understand how I could have forgotten the fear and panic I’d felt spewing from me. “Weak little sheep, thought you could survive on your own did ya?” He laughs again, pulling a blade from his waistband, I try to push him off again, and manage to slip my arm out the slightest bit but he quickly swipes causing me to cry out as blood now seeps from my arm, giving him time to lock it back into place with his leg. “Any last words?”

I open my mouth ready to rain every curse word I’d learnt but his face of humour switches to shock as I hear a sickening crunch and an arrow protrudes from his chest, I swallow my gasp as I quickly push him off me, no longer impossible to do since all his strength had been sucked form his body the moment that arrow hit him, redirecting his dead weight to send himself backwards as I scrambled away and looked around in the trees. Who ever had shot that either tried to help me or was trying to kill two birds with one arrow.

Finally a girl steps out from the trees, I shoot up to my feet instantly when I notice the bow trained on me in her hands. I couldn’t remember her name at this very moment but I knew she was from District 12, I still thought about her flaming dress. My designers wouldn’t shut up about Cinna and I myself couldn’t stop thinking about his designs so I couldn’t blame them. “He killed Rue” Are the first words she says, as I look back down at the boy who now lays dead.

“So you would have let him kill me if he hadn’t killed your friend?” I let out a huff, I shouldn’t complain, I was saved wasn’t I. But her standing there with her bow ready to strike didn’t feel to safe. And she doesn’t respond to my question, I fix the straps on my shoulders of my bag before sighing “Want some clean water?” Her eyes perk at that but still the bow stays trained, “I promise I won’t try and kill you” I smile at her and finally the bow drops as she grimaces at me.

“And what if you’re lying” Neither of us realised that we were going to become far more than acquaintances sharing clean water.

I shrug with an even more mischievous grin “You’ll just have to trust me. I’m Jude”

She frowns slightly before slinging her bow over her shoulder and brought her hand towards me “Katniss and you better not be lying or I’ll shoot you next”

“And I believe you”

I feel the memory swirling and changing but I refuse it, this is the memory. I know it, Katniss just being precautious. The only part of the memory that left me stumped was my nonchalance, and outgoing nature. I couldn’t imagine smiling at Katniss a couple seconds after I’d nearly lost my life but I was an incredibly different person back then than I was now. I’m finally back in the sewers, watching Katniss slip past me but my hand catches her wrist. Her gaze meets mine again and this time I speak “Why did you save me in the 74th Hunger Games?” I knew why, she said because the guy had killed Rue. But it didn’t feel right.

Itch itch itch. It grows the more the silence spreads. Did they all feel the need to hesitate and raise my blood pressure?

She looked at me like I wasn’t real before whispering “I knew you’d be important to me, I didn’t know how but I heard you scream and I acted before thinking. After you shared your water with me I planned on ditching you but you have a habit of digging into peoples hearts without them knowing it” She frowns, staring at me so intensely that I have to stop the tears from falling, she barely had looked at me since I’d come and to see her unflinching, it made my heart warm. My other half. I didn’t know how’d I’d gone so long without her. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you-“

I don’t let her finish, my arms shoot around her neck as she returns the embrace immediately “I’m sorry, I should’ve been stronger” I whisper but I feel her shake her head before she pulls away slightly to look at my face and presses our foreheads together.

“We’re together again, we’ve always been stronger together” I smile sadly at her words before she fully pulls way and links her arm with mine “They’re probably waiting on us, ready to head down?” I nod, warming at the rush of memories that slowly flood me, small things like Katniss and I in the water seeing who can dunk the other first, her teaching me how to shoot her bow.

Without Katniss I wouldn’t have survived this long and if I had never allied with her I wouldn’t have won the games with Peeta and her, I would have never met the blonde boy who I thought of night and day, who’d I sacrifice everything for.

That was who Katniss and Peeta are, how could I have ever wanted the hurt them? My best friend and the love of my life, I’ll never go back to that. At that thought the pocket above my heart burns, Only when I have to.

And I find myself for the first time as I gaze at her brunette braid, that I don’t want to leave them. But it’d be better for all of them if you did.

Katniss climbs down first, I wait till she’s a fair bit down before I go after her, except I feel slightly betrayed when a smell hits my nose. It’s everything that could possibly have smelt bad smooshed into one place, I wanted to gag or climb back up the ladder but that definitely wasn’t an option so I gagged instead “How’re you not throwing up right now?” I manage to say between holding my breath and own fluids from appearing on the floor.

She shakes her head, “I’ve smelt worse” She doesn’t say it in a rude way, no, it’s more haunted and I want to hold her again but my hands are securely holding on to the ladder as I slowly make my way down. I hear the team as we finally reach the ground and the smell has only intensified, I can’t hope to grow use to the smell but I knew we’d be down here so I don’t have to just try to ignore it. Maybe breath through my mouth, I grimace.

“How’s it look?” Jackson asks, making Katniss pull the holo from her pack. I join Finnick’s side as Katniss heads to the front of the group. I smile to her as she looks over her shoulder and sends one back, warmth flares me. My best friend.

Finnick raised the restricts at me “We won’t-“

“Put them on me, Finn” I smile sadly, “Precaution” He sighed, nodding sadly before restraining my hands together, not as tight as before but enough to restrain me.

He smiles softly at me as I looked back up at the rest of the group, my eyes always automatically falling into Peeta. He doesn’t notice, engrossed in whatever Katniss is showing him on the holo.

Finnick nudges me “After.”

I smile at the blonde boy, who had his back to me before looking up at Finnick to my left “After”

— —

We’re slowly making our way through the tunnels, the open space now shifted into a tighter tunnel, causing us to form a single file line. I stood behind Cressida and in front of Finnick.

The only light is from Katniss’s holo but that does little when I’m four people behind her, I squint trying to adjust to the brightness.

A few of us had flashlights but the beam was so small it barely helped.

“Can you see any-“ A pipe bursts suddenly beside me, pressurised air broke from the pipe right into my path causing me to let out a scream.

Instantly I crouched, luckily it wasn’t scorching but it left a bad taste in my mouth, my ear on my left was ringing.

What if there was worse than faulty pipes? Maybe this wasn’t the best idea, maybe they’ll get lucky and you’ll die down here.

Finnicks hand caught my shoulder before I could growl at the voice in my head… my own damn voice i have to keep reminding myself.

“Are you-“ He didn’t get to finish before I’m lifted by my arms to my feet suddenly and i’m staring into panicked blue eyes.

“Are you hurt?!” Peetas eyes search me head to toe, his hand trailing over my arms, scowling at the restraint for a moment, and stomach not even noticing the way I tremble under his touch. And I almost freeze when his skin touches mine.

It’d been so long so i’d felt him… And my head finally clicks the relief I feel, the itch is gone

“Yeah…” I respond breathily, heat coming to my cheeks “Yeah” I can’t form another word, he seems to catch on freezing and taking a step back, his pink cheeks no doubt matching mine. I have to hold my temple for a moment as the itch slowly returns, had it faded because of Peeta. My heart swelled with hope but I didn’t let it show.

He clears his throat, “Right, best keep going then.” He looked over my shoulder, nodding his head before trailing back and I want to follow him, stay by his side but I don’t move and soon the group is moving again.

We keep the single file line since the tunnels never seem to widen, no, instead it seems to throw obstacle after obstacle at us, I grimace as I watch Cressida drop into the shoulder deep water.

“Afraid of water, Jude?” She jokes as I don’t move from the ledge, “Can’t hurt ya” No more than you’ve hurt others- Or how others have hurt me, I scream back in my head.

“Jude?” She mutters again and I nod my head, smirking at the relief in my head for the moment.

“You’re right,” I take a breath and drop into the water, trying to hold in a gag when it splashed into my face, I raise my hands keeping my restraint from getting soaked“Totally not piss and shit”

Finnick drops behind and laughs “Keep saying it and it might come true” I shoot him a look as we begin to shuffle in the water, I thank whoever designed the suits because if I had a inkling of skin outside below the neck I’d probably die from the feel of whatever this was.

“We going to pretend you didn’t blush like a schoolgirl when Peeta grabbed you before?” Finnick whispered in my ear suddenly, making me jump and heat sprouted through me at the memory from moments ago.

“Shut up, before I drown you in piss and shit” He laughs and lucky for him doesn’t try to continue the conversation.

— —

Once we were walking for about thirty minutes and finding nothing but endless tunnels, Jackson spoke up to break the silence “All right, everybody, we’re gonna stop here for a bit and get some rest, yeah?”

Slowly the group walked up a staircase and into a grate pathway. I glanced around, watching everyone get comfortable as Finnick nudged me “Sit there, I’ll take first watch”

I nod, biting my lip as I took a seat with my back against the railing closest to the staircase, I heard some laughter and talking as I crossed my arms and gazed at the doorway we came through, running through everything that could happen in the next couple of days.

We could all die or Snow could… The world could change or we’d become forgotten. It wasn’t good to think like that, no, Snow would pay.

I glanced around at everyone now, slowly settling in for the night. And though Finnick said he’d watch me, his gaze is wondering. We all wanted Snow to pay, and he would.

Finnick didn’t say much to me, probably hoping i’d fall asleep but I couldn’t every creak had me jumping and cracking an eye open, I’d seen three changes of watch before finally when I peeked, blonde came into my vision.

I stiffened, I didn’t know what to do, I cracked an eye open a little wider and unlike Finnick, Peeta’s whole attention is on me and no mercy to my heart, he’s smiling at me. Itch, itch ,itch. I bring my hand to my temple again, just as Peetas boot pushes against mine and it’s gone, my head snaps up to him. He’s looking at me with a calculating look, working out easily what was going through my head. But at this moment, I wouldn’t even notice the itch my chest felt like it was going to burst.

Does he care that he makes my heart beat out of my chest? This feeling feels like it could physically kill me. “Cant sleep?” His voice is quiet but carried across the quiet walkway. No mention of our boots touching.

“Yeah, not the best place i’ve ever slept” I respond, I don’t want to shut him out. But I don’t know what to say, what did we use to talk about? Was that appropriate now?

He doesn’t say anything for a moment and just stares at me, did I mess up? God, so many questions when it came to him. Yet I knew one thing was certain, my heart adored him.

“Ask me a question” This time his voice isn’t quiet due to his whisper, his words are a breath and have goosebumps rising all over. You don’t deserve him. Its voice is so distant I almost don’t make it out.

Ask me a question. His voice rings louder in my head, suppressing the voice as I let my eyes meet his as I think, what? What could I possibly-

“Right, because we’re going to pull off what we did last year. Please tell me you didn’t come all this way to tell me fantasies” My voice slams into me, but not like normal, no, I remember this.

The night we learnt we were going back in, I’d run from the tv and fallen on my knees in the backyard of my victors home and wept for hours. Even after there was nothing left to cry I sat there.

And of course, when he could have been down the street at his own house, worrying instead he had found himself here.

“They’re not fantasies, we don’t have to let them win” He whispered, probably not wanting to scare me but I was terrified, absolutely terrified that he might die.

“Stop being stupid, okay. Just stop.” I look at him over my shoulder, “Just go back to your house and forget about me so it’s easier in a couple months ” I spit the words, hateful hateful words but I won’t have him feeling a connection to me, not if it costs him his life.

“For me? Or for you?” I shoot a harsher glare at him now, but my thoughts ring sadder thoughts, both of us.

“For you!” He chuckles, he actually freaking chuckles. That makes me shoot to my feet as I skin on my heels. And there he is, Peeta Mellark is laughing! “Are you seriously laughing?!”

He shakes his head, the laughter dying but the smile remains “You seriously don’t know do you?”

I cross my arms over my chest as I glare at him, “If you’re trying to be funny right now, it’s not working.” He sighs, taking a step forwards me, I take a step back “I told you to go”

“And why was that again?” He asked, tapping his chin. God, I hated him when he knew more than me in a situation like this, he became so confident, so hard to resist.

My neck flushed and slowly creeped to my cheeks as I clenched my fists at my side “You need to leave so you can kill me when the time comes” I say the words plain and simple, his smile final drops.

And suddenly I’m more frustrated because he’s right in front of me, for once he’s feet seemed to have made a silent approach and I can no longer find my breath as his hand slowly comes to my cheek as his thumb brushes the skin under my eye.

His blue eyes are all I see and want to see forever, and then he’s speaking “It’s too late for that, sweetheart” My heart explodes.

And somehow I choke out “Explain” He laughs, it’s deeper this time and heat explodes, all I want is him.

“I love you, Jude. More than I ever thought possible” My mouth hangs open and he smiles wider, pressing his hand under my chin to shout my mouth before leaning forward and kissing me softly.

His soft lips moving against mine, I never wanted to move away from the heat and softness he pressed upon me. I let my hands raise up his chest and catch in his curls at the nape of his neck before we finally pull away, and all I see is blue again.

Then I’m back, staring at those same blue eyes and I’ve realised how stupid i’ve been. Because he’s looking at me the exact same way he looked at me back in my backyard.

“After the 75th Hunger Ganes was announced… You came to me and you-“

“Real. I told you that I love you more than I ever thought possible” I can’t breathe “And everyday you prove it to me more and more, Jude. I love you”

And I knew it deep down, that he wasn’t lying that he never was lying. And I also already know my response, the warmth rushes in blaring out the itch in my skull for what feels like maybe forever but before I can speak there’s a whisper that makes me freeze.

Katniss. Peeta. No! No, they couldn’t be back. Katniss. Peeta. Katniss- It repeats over and over again, I slam my hands over my ears knowing it won’t-

It worked. There’s silence, I look up at Peeta and he looking at me, not in fear but concern. I remoce my hands and get to my feet “Peeta.” I whisper, staring down the staircase. I feel though, that feeling of pure and unadultured rage.

It’s not coming from me though, I throw my head over my shoulder at Katniss “Both of you, go now! The rest of us will be behind you!” I demand, tightening my hands on the chain from the restrain, needing somehting solid for whatever the hell was about to go down.

“Keep your voice down!” Gale whispers harshly as I glare at him.

“They’ve released mutts! These things were made to kill them, I don’t think our voices matter, what does matter is moving.” I bring my eyes back to Katniss and Peeta, they both look too worried about everyone else and not about themselves “Pollux you know a way out?” He nods, “Follow him and get out! Go!”

Quickly Pollux ran out, Katniss and Peeta right behind him while the rest of quickly followed, I didn’t know where everyone was but I knew Pollux and Gale had the front while Jackson watched our backs.

Gale shot a fire arrow further into the tunnel, helping us see ahead, luckily nothing was there but I could feel them still, I couldn’t hear the voices rather feel them bouncing off the walls, it left me cold and terrified.

In a matter of seconds his arrow went out and we were plunged into darkness, once again the tiny flashlights being our only light. We continued cautiously, Gale shooting whenever we came to a cross roads to make sure nothing jumped out at us.

I almost internally screamed when we had to watch Pollux climb through an opening and wait for him to give the all clear, I’d just gotten to know Pollux and from his history.

I didn’t want to know what person i’d become if he died like this, my breath released when he came back and gave us a thumbs up, and slowly we all climbed through, the restraint on my wrist didn’t make things easy as I misjudged the stretch of it as I went tumbling towards the ground but hands caught me and brought me back to my feet.

“At least your clumsiness hasn’t changed” Peeta jokes, dusting me off and returning to the group. I love you, Jude. I clenched my fists, After after after.

Katniss came through after me, the three of us coming together. A small smile coming to my face, this could be the future, the three of us together again. Including Finnick since there was no way he was getting rid of me now.

I glance over Katniss’s shoulder to make sure Jackson got through okay, just in time to watch four mutts jump from the darkness and tear her to shreds “Holy-“ I don’t get time to finish before Katniss his pulling back and arrow and launching it.

An explosive arrow.

She flies back from the blow, slamming into me and then Oeeta but somehow he manages to keep us all up right and yells “Go! Run!” And we don’t think twice, I pay respects to Jackson in my mind.

Another person dead who saved my life, when would it be my turn?

The sounds of rushed footsteps in the water and yelling was all that occurred within the next few minutes, I couldn’t tell if we were even following the right path at this point or just running for survival.

Screeches sounded from all over and I couldn’t tell what tunnel the mutts would shoot out from, then a scream sounded behind me “Castor!”

The words left an ice over my skin, as I spun to see mutts crawling over each other to get to Castor, who in no way could be alice anymore. Finnick ran into me and didn’t waste a second to drag me along with him.

So many dead, dead, dead. I shook my head, finally picking up my feet and racing alongside Finnick and Gale.

Being restraint was definitely the stupidest decision I had made, all I could do was run as the others fought off the mutts. Though losing Castor somehow Pollux still managed to lead the charge, finally pointing to a ladder in the middle of a room… that had four entrances.

Instantly the mutts rushed in, Katniss and Pollux went to firing arrows and bullets at them, keeping most of them at bay, Peeta spraying his automatic, taking out a fair amount until it clicked and it began to ram it into any white heads he saw. Finnick doing the same with his golden spinning trident, he was a dancer with that thing.

I kept my eyes alert, ready for anything to come for me as I glanced at the entrances, hoping more of our group turned up… Cressida still wasn’t here.

But my mind went blank from eveyrthing as I heard a yell, a mutt had Peeta pressed to the wall. His arm the only thing keeping it away, I froze. I had nothing to help him with, nothing, nothing- My gaze meets my restraint.

And in that moment of thought, I’m running and jumping onto to the mutts back, wrapping my restraint around its neck and pulling, not expecting the attack it easily falls backwards, causing its weight to fall onto me.

Ouch, is all I can think as the wind is knock out of me and it spins in my grasp and suddenly my hands are the only things keeping it away l “Holy shit! Holy shit” I scream as it snaps his jaws at me, pure and unadulterated terror causes through me.

Katniss jumps into the brawl to my thanks and sends her foot into his face, sending it sprawling as I scrambled away, only for another to leap from the water. I didn’t even realise the water was deep enough for that!

It’s long fingers latch onto my ankle and drag me, without thinking I spin and scratch at the floor for any surface to grab but there’s nothing, I look up, blue. “Peeta!”

“Jude!” And then i’m underwater.

— —

I yanked upward, gasping for air as my eyes adjusted to the pure chaos still ensuing taking in whose in front of me, somehow I find it in me to smile “Cressida”

She smiles back, quickly shooting something behind me “Reunion later, duck!” I do as told as she shoots again but my luck has run out, while she’s not looking one leaps at me, sending me onto to my side as I reached up with both hands, sending the restraint strap into its razor sharp mouth.

Within a second it’s teeth have torn it to nothing and now there’s nothing blocking it from- Peetas gun comes down and smacks it off me as he drags me to my feet “You okay?!”

“Let’s get the hell out of here now!” He nodded, no doubt agreeing before latching my now free hand with his before he began to swing his weapon at anything that was in our way, Cressida was helping others up the ladder as we made our way.

I looked over my shoulder wuickly to see Finnick wielding his spinning trident, he was incredible to watch as he tore down mutt after mutt, he yelled somehting at Katniss causing her to run towards the ladder… Without him.

“We can’t leave Finnick!” I yelled over the screeching to Peeta, he glanced over his shoulder before killing another two mutts.

“We don’t have time! Finnick can protect himself” But that wasn’t good enough, I raced in front of Peeta running to the bottom of the ladder, praying Peeta kept any mutts from getting to me for the moment.

“Cressida, your gun!” The moment the words left my mouth I knew the request wouldn’t be accepted, I’d be a psychotic case days ago there’s no way, suddenly a gun dropped into my hands. “Thank you!”

I turn around to face Peeta, knowing for the moment that he was right. Finnick could protect himself, I shot at any mutts that were close to Peeta before ushering him over, planning on sending him up and staying to help Finnick get up.

“I can get him and I both up, you go” Peeta says quickly taking the gun from me without fight since I wasn’t expecting it, I almost want to fight for it back but a mutt comes for me and he quickly pushes me behind him to shoot it before turning back to me “You won’t sacrifice yourself for this, I won’t let you”

I stiffen at that, glancing over at Finnick whose slowly started to make his way over to us, and then I look back at Peeta “Don’t you dare die, Peeta” And then I climbed up the ladder, quickly being pulled up by Katniss and Cressida.

My heart hurt at the lack in number that now looked back at me as I finally let out a breath and feeling a chill wash over me from my wet clothes and hair but my heart stilled, Pollux was sat crying… Castor.

I would be the same if those two boys don’t climb up that ladder, I spun on my butt to watch the hatch Id crawled from, they had to make it. They both had to make it…

The moments ticked by and the screeching only got worse as the bullets flew until they stopped and I finally gave up- Finnick sprung from the hatch, quickly pulled himself up and rolling, my heart leapt as I kept watch not letting myself hope and then the blonde comes and I want to cry tears of joy.

“Nightlock, Nightlock, Nightlock” Katniss quickly says, dropping the holo into the hatch and killing the rest of the mutts that deigned to follow us.

Finnick smiles at me, opens his mouth to no doubt play off the whole situation but my arms are around him and i’m crying, I can’t stop. Everything over the past few days has built and built and built til this moment and I nearly lost them… Finnick and Peeta. My head shot up, locking eyes with him. I raised my right arm and quickly tossed it around Peeta, though there wasn’t much room we made it work. They were alive.

“I knew you loved me” Finnick sighs out as I let myself chuckle and pull away, letting myself hit him “Ow! I could be a hit from death y’know!”

I let out a breath “I wanna punch you but I am so glad you’re still here to annoy me”

“Are you guys always-“ Peeta begins with a smile but he’s cut off.

“Guys! We gotta go, they’re here.” Gales alarmed voice breaks the few moments of content, but we’re straifht to our feet and following the rest of the group “Keep Moving!”

I lose Finnick and Peeta as Gale is rushing us into a hall full of hundreds of orange pillars, and when things couldn’t get worse Peacekeepers began to rain down bullets.

“Don’t let them escape!” I hear a muffled voice as another volley of bullets fly but i’m frozen at the doorway, everything in my body is telling me to move but I can feel the itch grab its hold.

Let them get you, you deserve everything that is coming to you.

Suddenly a hand latches on to me, my eyes dart up and see brown, It’s Messalla, we hadn’t spoken but he’d come back for me “Come on, kid!”

He doesn’t waste a moment, dragging my dead feet behind him, somehow dodging the bullets, he picked up his paste now and once my legs got moving he finally let me go.

“Alright, almost there we just got to-“ Suddenly some of the numerous lights I hadn’t noticed turn on, including the one right on top of Messalla.

The beam sucks up his entire form, evaporating him in seconds. Just like that, another one of us is dead. I want to freeze and scream at the peacemakers thinking that any of this was okay, but i’ve got too much momentum, I would meet the same end. Yes… The pressure in my head isn’t an itch, it’s almost stroking, pleased to finally get what it wants.

I try to plant my feet into the ground but it’s too close and i’m going too fast. I slam my eyes shut at the smallest hint of heat before i’m grabbed by my elbow and pulled to my right.

I hear a few of my hairs singe in the light before my body is getting pulled again. NO. I wince, letting my free hand dart to my temple as my feet matched the ones beside me, but my foot catches but the arm that saved me once, pull me up and balance me.

“I got you!” Finnick yells over the chaos, weaving through the flickering lights as i try to grasp the last two minutes. He’d saved my life, it wouldn’t be the first time, I shake my head knowing the more I let my own voice torment me its wish will come true. Knowing if the others were okay would help but I can’t see anyone else, the lights so bright I had to look away whenever they turned on.

It was better i focused on Finnick and I and hope the others make it until I see Cressida umoving, looking passed me with a horrified look. Messalla… I feel guilt rise in me but I still grab her as we pass, I couldn’t lose her too. Not Cressida. “Come on! I’m sorry but come on!” I yell to her and we’re finally making progress through the hall when a crack sounds behind us.

Though I know whatever I find behind me won’t be good I look anyways, in sections the floor cracks and shatters, slowly and slowly makes it way too us. All of this to kill you, stop fighting.

I grit my teeth, turning my head forward and pushing my body as fast as it could go, I wouldn’t die here. But it’d be better for all of them if you did… It grows louder each time, flashes of me kicking Mitch into the oil comes back to me and my hand reaching for Peetas throat. No, no, no, no.

Peeta, Katniss and Gale stand waving their hands at us but I can’t hear them, Give up, give up, give up. It screams now. The shattering behind us gets worse as I dodge left to miss a light, a bullet skims past my ear, I keep running. Give up, Give up ,GIVEUPGIVEUPGIVEUP.

I crumble to the floor, pressing my forehead to the ground, begging begging begging, it to stop. I slam my eyes shut, covering my ears praying they would just stop. YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED, DIE, DIE. Snows voice is harsh and shatters my skull as I cry out, no no no no, it was meant to be gone. It couldn’t be back, I couldn’t take it if it was back.

I reach for my heart-

Hands quickly lifted me up my arms, and then suddenly their hands meet my cheeks and everything is silent, my eyes snap open as whimpers leave my lips uncontrollably, blue is everywhere and I want to crawl into a ball again, he should never have to see me like this, not after I gave him so much hope…

“We’re nearly out of here okay?” I don’t respond, my eyes darting all over his face but my hand lays forgotten at my side. “I can’t lose you, Jude. Not again, alright, I-“ He looked utterly terrified, but continued anyway “I love you” And then, his lips were on mine and my mind clicked, warmth spread from my head to my toes. I love you, it repeated over and over in my head like a symphony. And I love him.

Peeta’s never lied to me, and I know in this moment, if I took my Nightlock pill I’d be killing him all the same. He was my life just as much as I was his, every breath I took was for him and I’d keep fighting. For him.

I smiled lightly when he pulled away before whispering “I love you too”

He squeezed my cheek a little tighter, whether he knew the way his touch effected me I didn’t know but I was grateful all the same when he let go and intertwined our hands within the second.

“I’m definitely not losing you now” And my heart exploded in joy.

———

part (1, 2, 3, 4)

I CAN NOT APOLOGISE ENOUGH AND MORE BECAUSE PART 4 ISNT DONE IK IM SORRY, ITS ALREADY HALFWAY DONE BUT IM SO SORRY GUYS

IDK WHAT HAPPENED TIME IS MOVING WAYYYY TO QUICKLY😭

taglist baddies: @yazminetrahan @solarbxby @abbersreads @antonietta18 @jennaaaaaaaaaaaa @imobssesedwithtoomanysheet @sipsthecoffee @life-ugh @sunnydays-funnydays @bilesxbilinskixlahey @sadierosec @molyyyt @goosy-goose @beaniebeensbaby201

(i promise i tried to add everyone that commented to be added but some of you i couldn’t find xx)

[suffering-frombrain-rot]

Obey me brothers + crew watching MC do a diamond painting

I've never done a post like this before, let alone anything for this fandom, but I'm doing a diamond painting myself, and these boys decided to rotate in my brain while doing so. I hope ya'll enjoy this crack post!

Lucifer

-he thinks it's an interesting concept

-he likes checking in on your progress as you place the tiny gems on the right spaces

-far too tedious and time consuming for him to do

- if he ever had a break, then he'd maybe like to try it out with you

-he'd let you work on it in his office while he works as long as you SWEAR you wont make a mess with the gems

-if you do happen to spill some, he'll make sure you pick up every last one, double and triple check that they're all accounted for

-if you give it to him, hed definitely frame it and put it either in a hallway or in his room

Mammon

-he thinks its dumb, why would you spend so much time doing something like that when you could just get a premade one or the same image without the gems?

-he loves watching you do it, he'll say all that to your face, but we all know he'd wanna watch you the whole time

-gets exited when you send him updates, but he'll just respond with a "nice" or something

-he'd wanna try it out with you so you get him one of his own

-he spills the crystals all over the sticky part on accident

-doesn't know how the tools work, he'd also put them on upside down on accident

-he'd frame your finished one and hang it above his bed~

-he's never letting his see the light of day

Leviathan

-he'd play lots of puzzle games, so he sees the appeal in doing something like that

-it's said in a group chat, idk what it was called, but he likes to be able to be in a room with a person and do two completely different things, he doesn't need constant communication or even doing the same thing as the person really to be happy in their presence

-so I'd like to imagine he'd love having you work on your project on the floor of his room while he plays a game or watches a anime

-he'd occasionally check up on you to see your progress!

-maybe he'd order his own of Hana Ruri off Akuzan to work on with you the next time you bring it over to his room

-I don't think he'd hang it anywhere if you offered to give it to him, boy has too many posters on his wall anyways

-he'd say that you worked too hard on it to give it away to someone so quickly

Satan

-my true love <3

-anyways

-Satan is an art enthusiast and gives me a 'try anything and everything' type of vibe

-he'd want to do one with you, he'd make a date of it and everything

-get him a cat one PLEASE!!!

-he'd probably also like one of the starry night, but cats are the top priority 👌

-he'd start to get a bit impatient over time, and a little frustrated if he makes a mistake or spills the gems everywhere

-but he has you with him, so he can easily laugh it off and go back to working on it

-especially if you're enjoying doing it with him, that's the most important part!

-he'd probably want to trade with you once you both finish with them!

Asmodeous

-Also very artistic, like Satan

-he'd comment on how you're doing

"Wow! Your hands are so steady~"

"You have such a nice concentration face!"

-all the compliments might get frustrating if you're trying to focus, but it's okay because you love him

-he'd get one to do with you once you finish your first one, he'd love the closeness of working on such a long project with you

-he is very VERY good at the placement of every gem, he does nails and makeup as well as art occasionally so it is only natural

-he wants it to be perfect

-definitely posting work in progress pics on Devilgram

-takes pics of you working for himself~ he loves the candid shots

-and of course posts the final products together once ya'll finish

-he'd let you hold onto the one you did together so you can look at it and think of him~

Beelzebub

-he'd try to eat it

-it looks like little candies

-candy goes in his mouth

-simple math

-but seriously, make sure he's not gonna eat it if you do one of these around him

-he'd try his hardest to help you out if you ask, but I don't think he has the hand-eye coordination

-like Levi, I think he'd like to watch you in silence as you work on it

-maybe do some workouts while you work?

-he'd probably want to hang it on the fridge since that's where he is a lot of the time, and the others can look at it when they're in the kitchen :)

Belphegor

-Belhpie probably wouldn't care all that much

-he'd think it's pretty, but watching you work on it is putting him to sleep

-he'd probably also want to help you with it, just so it doesn't take you too long

-he can just tell that working on it hurts your back from being hunched over for too long

-go lay down with him, it'd be much nicer, he could rub your back as you both fall asleep

-there's always tomorrow to work on it

-he'd wanna show your work to Beel once it's done

-hed also wanna hang it on one of the walls on his side of the room

Diavolo

-LET HIM DO ONE TOO

-PLEASE

-IT LOOKS LIKE SO MUCH FUN!

-he'd watch you do it, then try to learn the best ways to do one himself

-(may be projecting a little here) he wouldnt know that you could place more than one at a time

-gets well over a quarter or so of the way through before realizing the long thing at the end of the pen you can use to place multiple down at once

-he feels silly but that's okay because hes having fun!

-he'd get one for Barbs too so the three of you could work on it together during any free time you have

-Puts too much pressure while going to pick up the gems and spills them all over out of the tray

-you help him clean them up every time, and you frequently have to use tweezers to take the gems off of the spaces of the picture they spilled on

-even if it's a messy process, you both have lots of fun making them

-he'd put it on his desk in a frame if you gave him yours

-you probably gave it to him as compensation for his messed up one

-shows it off every chance he gets

Barbatos

-if he sees that you're struggling with your project, he'd take over for a bit to show you the best way to do it

-he's like an annoying art teacher that keeps correcting your project when you didn't ask for it

-it's fine though, just tell him you don't need help and he'll respectfully leave you to your work

-he'd make you tea and snacks while you work if you're someone like me who gets too absorbed in your work to take a break

-also would massage your shoulders while idly talking with you about whatever topics your conversation leads

-he'd organize the bags of gems for you, makes sure everything is neat and tidy weather or not you ask for it

-if you wanted to give it to him, he'd happily set it up somewhere visible in the castle

Simeon

-Ugh!

-he'd love watching you work on it!

-he thinks its so pretty how it comes together and becomes so vibrant!

-he'd go and get several to bring up to the celestial realm

-he'd love working on them outside in the light of the celestial realm because of how shiny they are!

-he'd definitely hide things from you just to mess with you

-you need a certain color? Simeon has it in his pocket

-you set your tool down to do something else? He's grabbed it

-will give it back if you kiss him~ he promises <3

-he'd cherish it forever if you gave it to him when you're done!

Solomon

-he'd use magic to mess with you

-inverting the colors, making the colors the same, placing them on the spots for you with magic

-TELL HIM TO STOP

-the fossil has no right

-anyways hes like Simeon with the prank pulling

-he'd stop once you tell him and will revert the changes, then would go back to watching you peacefully as you work

-would be so so happy if you gave it to him, he'd brag to the others that you gave him such a personal and intricate gift

-he's gonna get killed by the others some way or anthother

-but that's fine

-he loves toying with death

[aimlesspixel]

Isat Scintillation - Side Stories V1

I more so wrote these as a way to practice getting a feel for how the different character's think and act but since they are events in my fic I figured I may as well put them out there! Please make sure to read Chapters 1 and 2 first before biting into these.

Mirabelle

Mmph, Siffrin still looks like their pushing themselves a bit to keep up this pace. Don't they know how important rest is for recovery? He doesn't want any of us to worry i bet. I know we're going to reunite Bonnie and Nile but that doesn't mean that we can't slow down.

I wonder what Bambouch is like I know it's close to the sea but not much more than that. I'll ask Bonnie sometime.

Still I can't believe we managed to save Vauguard. We really do owe Siffrin I overheard her talking to them back when we just finished discussing our plans and if she's right we really didn't have any chance at victory without them. I'm so glad that we managed to save them from the time loop.

"Mirabelle is something wrong?"

"Oh madame! No nothings wrong, just lost in thought i suppose." "Alright well I'll leave it at that then I'm not particularly good with feelings. Besides that though i was curious if you'd like to discuss books?"

"Oooh would you really?! I have so many to recommend! Like the cursing of chateaux castle! And-"

"Slow down, yes I'd love to and please don't shout in my ear."

"Oh• sorry Madame."

"You were excited, in my endless magnanimity i shall find it in my heart to forgive you this time."

"Of course Madame I thank you graciously for your forgiveness (with a giggle)."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Odile

Working too hard huh? Siffrin definitely worked too hard back in the house especially with the almost ending the world business... It's been bothering me a while, how come Siffrin and the king both knew wish craft? I mean they did start the loops (according to that star looking fellow named loop and our conversation with them) with wish craft they accidentally did so how did they know about it?

My best guess is with the last thing the king said about his country. If they're from the same place that may explain it.

Actually that explains a few other things too like why Siffrin said they can't go home and their poor memory I mean the whole thing with the king was no one could remember his country right? I can't imagine how that would affect someone who grew up there and moved to live elsewhere before everyone couldn't remember.

"We know you're all excited to see us but we need to find an inn so we can rent a room for the night." The kids apologize and run off. Honestly I'm glad we have the time to talk with the locals and such, not having the stress of Vaugaurds imminent doom looming over is a great change of pace.

We've come through here once already but we were collecting orbs then so I'll just ask the defenders around here.

"Welcome! Welcome! Are you looking for a room today?"

It's a bit impressive how fast Vaugaurde is able to continue regular operation after such a large scale emergency. "Yes what kinds of rooms do you have?"

"We have single, double, and triple bed rooms available"

No reason to change tradition "The three bed room please."

"Of course here's the key I'll show you to the room"

The room is pretty spacious for a three bed inn room. Maybe they're treating us since we just saved Vauguard. That's probably it honestly. Well i wont deny a little special treatment as long as we're still paying properly

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Next Side Stories collection will feature Isabeau and Bonnie btw so hopefully you're looking forward to it!

[bvannn]

Weekly Update January 3, 2024

I am endocrine sick again, I probably will be for another week. I took my medicine at the normal dose but I have a hunch that the dose needs to be adjusted and that’s why I feel like shit. Blood tests wont be done for another week and idk how much longer after it’ll take to get back to me. I was doing art decently pretty early on in the week but I’ve layed off the past 2 days and will likely continue to do that for a bit.

Music: I got another instrumental piece done I think, I might add samples if I can find good ones but I might not. I got a little drawing done up so I can animate a little loop for that in front of a piano roll animation probably, I just need to sit down and throw that together + a thumbnail. I have a cover sketched for a batch ‘album’ to get a bunch of my other instrumentals out (not quite all of them but still a lot), I just need to finish it and those can get throw out there. LF is done basically, I might go multi-export it to tweak the vocal volume, but otherwise it just needs visual. I am going to try to stick to my one-song-a-month plan, but instead of finishing another old idea I had a new one while I was delirious, and got some cute lyrics done and more outlined so it’ll be a new one this month. I don’t have a name decided yet, it’s a sad little ballad about birds. Also since I figured out how to install the IK bundle I bought I’ll maybe mess with that more. My grandmother is potentially getting a new computer so I might grab her old one’s hard drive so I can finagle some files around and install the rest of the stuff.

Comic: I feel like shit because I barely did anything for the comic. I looked over my thumbnails, didn’t like the one I had for page 16, redid it, did the sketch, started lining it and had to stop mid panel because I got sick. I’ll probably try to chip away at writing stuff while I’m sick, I had some ideas for the loose thread stuff I came up with years ago finally coming together yesterday at the grocery store, and might be able to actually get a tertiary comic concept together, but again it’s not as solid as O’Malley or Backstage right now so it won’t be a priority. It’ll just maybe be doodle fodder while I’m sick.

Uhhh epithet TTRPG right. I got a bunch of tokens done early in the week. And some more scriptwriting done on the tutorial video. I need to get maps done, that’s going to be the bottleneck for a while. If I feel well enough to boot up my computer today I have the assets to get the last of the stage 2 maps done, but I’d want to make some more decorations for them too. Stage 3 is a science lab building so shouldn’t be too hard to get a tile set for. Once I’m feeling better honestly I might try to crunch myself to get the rest done. Maybe.

The other small animation thing: I believe all the assets are done other than some credits text, which I might just use a text tool for honestly. Again I just need to sit down and animate, I’m just a bit blocked, burnt out, sick, whatever other excuse I have, it’ll get done when it gets done.

Next week I don’t really have a concrete plan. I think I’ll try some easy writing stuff for now (comic and lyrics for this month’s song), and I’ll try some pixel art stuff to ease myself back into map making. Some pixel art people over on Bluesky found me and seem to like me so I kinda want to give them more of what they like. Plus pixel art can be done while my hands are shaky from the whole sick thing. Once I’m better I’ll finish comic page 16 and get back to token making. Everything kinda depends on my health, but I’m doing what I can. Also make sure you drink plenty of milk everyone, or if you can’t, get plenty of whatever your calcium source may be.

[honeygrandpa]

tw warning: family death and animal injury

this has probably been the worst week of my life. on sunday my uncle had a heart attack on his way home from a trip so i drive from ga to tn to pick up his wife and then 10.5 hours to ia to get her to the hospital before he passed and we didn’t make it time. then i drive her back to tn and stayed with her because she couldn’t take care of herself and she wouldn’t eat (she’s diabetic so this was a real problem) and she didn’t know how to pay her bills or how to live without him. i got back to ga yesterday and then today, my dogs were outside on the chain and 2 neighbor dogs came into our yard off leash. 1 of my dogs attacked 1 of the neighbor dogs and that dog has to have an emergency procedure in the morning to drain the wound. i know legally it wasn’t my fault but i feel so so awful and i don’t know what to do. i don’t have the money to pay her vet bills. with all of the travel with my uncle, im already have debt on my credit card that i can’t pay off. and i have to drive to ia again next week for the funeral and pay for boarding for my dogs. i paid $1000 to a trainer who says they specialized in aggressive dogs last year and she basically told me to not bring them around other dogs. my dogs are rescues and they used to be ok around other dogs but my brother’s dog bites people and made them really nervous and ever since 1 of my dogs bit his dog to keep him away from me, they’ve both struggled with dog aggression. they like little dogs and calm dogs but get really bad around bigger energetic dogs. everything is awful and i really really don’t know what to do. im also struggling to finish my master’s degree and already am taking an incomplete for my culminating project so i have more time to finish writing. i am struggling to get everything done and apply to jobs so i might end up being too late to get a teaching job before the school year starts and i turned 26 this month so i wont have health insurance and i wont be able to see my therapist even though my panic attacks have been worse than usual this year and ive had really awful ones where i cant stop throwing up a few times this year when i used to have the really bad ones once every few years. im overwhelmed, i cant afford to move out of my moms house even though she doesn’t want me here, and im never going to see my favorite uncle again. i cant even afford to take care of these dogs but ive been trying for like 3 years now because they needed a home after being abused and neglected by their previous owner. they’re also the only thing i have in my life that make me feel happy most days. like lucky is currently in my lap, licking my tears. i don’t even want to consider it but should i give them up? i probably wouldn’t make it without them but i really don’t know what to do. should i try to pay for the neighbor dog’s vet bills with my credit card?? the neighbor told me that she doesn’t hold me responsible and that she’ll keep her dogs on leashes going forward but she said this while sobbing with her hands covered in her dog’s blood. i don’t think this week could get worse honestly. ive never cried so much in one week

[furmomz]

task 141 + vaqueros x germen reader

pt1

A/N: for this story the reader will be a female this is my first story have mercy on me it might be bad and sorry for the bad english its not my first language (reader wears war paint in like a skull almost its scary to see but its cool)

summary: reader call sign chaos (reader got the call sign of chaos after decapitating a man with a sniper rifle u were known to be ruthless and shown no mercy a lot of soldiers feared u. u may be short but u had a strength of a bear u could take down an enemy soilder that was 2x bigger than u). after valeria escaped the prison the los vaqueros and task 141 are now trying to find her they got a tip from someone that Valeria was hiding in germen soil and is working with some sort of mafia so the boys go on a mission to stop whatever she was planning. ( however, then need the help of germen special forces to hunt her down and arrest her since she is no longer in mexican soil.)

it was a regular day on ur base as a lieutenant. you were helping the new rookies on their training it was a long day and you can feel ur head pounding from all the screaming u need because of the rookie "Du Idiot, weißt du nicht, wie man eine Pistole nachlädt?!!" (you idiot do you not know how to reload a pistol?!!) you just stood there in anger and in disappointment of the rookie staring dagger into him as he struggles to reload his pistol. he flinched from the sudden scream out of u he started to apologise and get nervouse u could see he was starting shake struggling to put the loaded magazine back into the pistol. hours past as you were still stuck with the same group of rookies. it felt like it had been years with the rookies but it was probably because of the headache u have otherwise u liked helping out new rookies. the training session finally ended u walked over to the kitchen of the base to make yourself the strongest coffee u could find hoping u last throughout the day when u got to the kitchen u meet ur captain and u greeted him.

he greeted back with a smile he seemed to be in a good mood today. he then spoke up "Chaos, um 17 Uhr gibt es in meinem Büro ein Treffen mit unseren anderen Teamkollegen. Es gibt ein paar Dinge, die ich besprechen muss. Komm nicht zu spät" (Chaos there is a meeting at 5pm in my office with our other teammates there's a few things i need to discuss DO NOT BE LATE) u replied with a simple nod. u wanted to make ur a coffee and leave the kitchen because it was starting to feel awkward as both of u were silent when u finally had ur coffee made u took off hoping to take a 5-minute break in peace and quiet hoping ur headache to go away and praying that u wouldn't have to go get medicine despite u being strong and scary u hated taking medicine. u took ur coffee and looked at ur watch making sure u wont be late for the meeting u still had an hour left so u opened ur new cigar pack. putting one in ur mouth and lighting it.

when u finished ur cigar u made ur way over to the meeting that captain held in his office with 5 minutes to spare u thought it was better to be early than late. u reached the big wooden door in front of u and u hesitated but u knocked twice waiting for the captain to give u permission to enter after a second the captain said "Komm herein" (come in!) u turned the door nob and pushed the door u walked in the room and u saw a couple of ur teammates waiting for the others u took a seat next to ur captain as u greeted ur teemmates after what felt like forever everyone was in the meeting and ur captain started to speak up "Wir haben ein neues Ziel, eine Frau namens Valeria." ( we have a new target a woman named Valeria.)

A/N: okay this is just a small part of the beginning idk if yall will like it but tell me if u want a part 2 or something if there is anything wrong please let me know so i can improve and i might be able to do some request if guys have any!

[darkfeanix]

FIC WRITING REVIEW 2024

Not tagged, but rather stolen shamelessly from the meme lord of my dash (you know who you are) who posted theirs and said anyone who wanted to share with the class could do so.

Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some qualitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please don’t eat glass but don’t feel like you have to do this either. Artists and gif makers, please also join in with any quantitative or qualitative stats or facts you want to share about your year.

Words and Fics

4 fics published (time between most two most recent: approx. 7 1/2 months)

7,022 words

Top 3 Pairings

Shadowheart/Male Gnome Tav

Um... N/A

None

Top 5 4 3 by Comments

Perspectives (6 threads, 12 total)

The Life and the Death of the Wild at Heart (3 threads, 5 total)

Feel the Sun Breaking Through AND Never Gonna Give You Up (both 2 threads, 3 total)

Top 5 4 by Kudos

Feel the Sun Breaking Through (10)

Never Gonna Give You Up (9)

The Life and the Death of the Wild at Heart (5)

Perspectives (3)

Top 5 4 by Hits

Feel the Sun Breaking Through (249)

Never Gonna Give You Up (203)

The Life and the Death of the Wild at Heart (32)

Perspectives (29)

Fandom Events in 2024

Feast of Lights Not-So-Secret Santa (and I promise it will be finished just as soon as I've finished this university thing)

Writing Reflection

So, when I was writing those Shadowheart/Erino stories, I had a lot of big ideas, but sadly a lot of those big ideas never went anywhere (as so many of my big ideas are wont to do). And then there was a lot of upheaval in my personal life, around the time of that last BG3 fic, and in addition to take a leave of absence from university, I basically took a leave of absence from finishing stories. I have so many WIPs that I started in that period, many of which will probably never see the light of day. I crossed many fandom lines.

The long-awaited announcement of the imminent release of Dragon Age: The Veilguard trailer reinvigorated my love for that franchise, and with it a small creative spark was ignited. I wrote Perspectives with, again, big ideas of what would come after the game was released. I enjoyed the game, and there were moments of inspiration, but I never really wrote anything for that first character (Hissera, my beloved daughter, I am sorry T_T), and I haven't been able to commit to a second playthrough either.

This next year is going to challenge me on the time management front as my PhD once again becomes one of my main priorities, but I still really want to write fic, and I don't want another 7 1/2 months between posting. Small ideas feel like a good approach. Maybe even unconnected stories for a change; just some one shots without any expectations placed upon them.

Completely unrelated to writing, but still creative, I'd also like to have a go at learning to crochet this year. My mum crocheted as a hobby, and all of her crocheting stuff is still there. It'd be another way of keeping her memory close.

[diva2007]

i treat ask games like surveys this is make me admit stuff by lost-head-adventure or smth idk its deactiviated

Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

not including messages i consider too private to share on tumblr. yes

You talked to an ex today, correct?

nope.

Have you taken someones virginity?

no i dont think so. all of my partners have been more experienced than me

Is trust a big issue for you?

yes ): im working on it

Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

i like lots of people but as far as "crushes", no not recently. i should though

What are you excited for?

my partner system to get home from work. our next grocery run. autumn. my birthday next month

What happened tonight?

i posted about that today but, other than all that, i ate some pizza... honestly i should write or record or something tonight

Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no? wasted chicks are super funny

Is confidence cute?

confidence is hot yeah

What is the last beverage you had?

a monster. i should get water or something

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

none but i dont really talk to a lot of people. only the women in my family and i cant trust them. its not about being the opposite sex tho

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

yes

What are you gonna do Saturday night?

its sunday rn but yesterday i cried so hard i gave myself a headache and listened to a new album

What are you going to spend money on next?

probably a new microphone or sushi

Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

yes

Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes? of course

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my partner system, but specifically mar, rich, robin, and trent

The last time you felt broken?

today at like 7pm

Have you had sex today?

yeah lol <3

Are you starting to realize anything?

being 23 aint shit. i dont know fuckin anything.

Are you in a good mood?

its alright. could be better

Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yeah theyre chill

Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

no thank gawd. otherwise id be the type of douchebag to go around calling my shit hazel.

What do you want right this second?

a haircut... jack... a punch to the jaw. (not sft text beyond this point to the end of the answer) to be dressed up in vinyl lingerie to match someone elses military gear and ride his dick while gagging on his fingers

What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

nothing. id end up in jail

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

nah i recently dyed my roots again. its black but im a natural blonde

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

usually people who arent intentionally witty are unintentionally hilarious so thats hard to picture. but if our humor just isnt compatible i mean. maybe. probably not tho that speaks to a lot of other shit

What was the last thing that made you laugh?

@fuckin-pistol-whipped's replies

Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yeah. sunset eyes, if this somehow gets back to you, im sorry i didnt give you a better warning. ill be back sooner than you know. it wont be months this time. i want to figure something out but i dont want to keep giving you half promises. soon, i dont know when. i love you. it means something, i swear.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

yeah id say so

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

sometimes <3

Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

oh yeah for sure. i think we're in a situationship. maybe we're dating? idk i cant rember. god i need to see him again soon. i should watch some videos or smth

Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

nah but i usually drink diet soda. if im buying it out at like a gas station or smth ill go full sugar cuz its just a one time thing but. i think i drink two diet cokes a day. i dont always finish em

Listening to?

+ shuffle queue

Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

yeah but i prefer pen tbh. i keep like two hand notebooks a pencil and a pen on me at all times

Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

probably at his house with his cats. or with his band

Do you believe in love at first sight?

i believe in instant chemistry but love is kinda something u collaborate on. its like a living thing. ive recently figured out that two people can be in love and still wanna maim each other a little bit from time to time

Who did you last call?

@fadenkreuze but thats like a given. it was @antichristxsuperstar in front

Who was the last person you danced with?

my cat. it counts, in my book

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

we were having sex and i guess my mouth just looked that good hanging open and drooling

When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

i dont think its been a year but. it was probably springtime i wanna say-- no, late winter. valentines day cupcakes. mini ones.

Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

nah im not a hugger. he knows i like him ok tho

Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

i dont believe in embarassment. but yea sometimes i make a fool of myself. usually it makes em giggle and then its fine <3

Do you tan in the nude?

i do a lot of things in the nude but i dont tan. im goth so

If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

i dont remember it

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

yes actually it was rich. hey rich

Who was the last person to call you?

Do you sing in the shower?

yes sometimes but i sing all the time

Do you dance in the car?

Ever used a bow and arrow?

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no theyre an art form. i think A musical can be cheesy but not all of em. having said that ive never been a huge theater person but ill watch a bootleg every now and then

Is Christmas stressful?

it doesnt have to be but some people make it stressful. its lonely tbh

Ever eat a pierogi?

yep. theyre p good

Favorite type of fruit pie?

peach

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

equestrian, veternarian, rockstar.

Do you believe in ghosts?

"do you believe in barometric pressure" "do you believe in wool fibers" "do you believe in the oxidation of metals"

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

all the time

Take a vitamin daily?

Wear slippers?

yes and i encourage others to do so as well

Wear a bath robe?

nope too warm and humid where i am

What do you wear to bed?

the buff

First concert?

it was a festival for nu metal bands in like 2008 or something. metalfest i think it was? or something close to that name. i dont remember all the acts that played but mudvayne was there i know for sure

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

in my town theres only a walmart but i prefer target

Nike or Adidas?

Cheetos Or Fritos?

fritos are more versatile. remind me of chilis and soups

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Favorite Taylor Swift song?

Ever take dance lessons?

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

yeah. professional cocksucker

Can you curl your tongue?

some people cant do that?

Ever won a spelling bee?

this is a traumatizing memory for me i refuse to elaborate

Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

yes often. usually during sex

What is your favorite book?

i hate these questions cuz then i forget every single book ive ever read. idk ill say the most recent book i read. the long hard road out of hell by marilyn manson

Do you study better with or without music?

with but it has to be instrumental or so loud its mind numbing owwww speaking of my ear fuckin hurts fuck you billy corgan

Regularly burn incense?

not anymore

Ever been in love?

Who would you like to see in concert?

obvious answers are like. mm. nin. slipknot (but like in 2002 or smth).

What was the last concert you saw?

in person? i dont even remember. its been over a decade

Hot tea or cold tea?

cold tea always preferable

Tea or coffee?

coffee. also cold

Favorite type of cookie?

sugar cookie or chocolate chip

Can you swim well?

nah

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

yes??

Are you patient?

extraordinarily

DJ or band, at a wedding?

either or. both? both

Ever won a contest?

nope

Ever have plastic surgery?

nah

Which are better black or green olives?

ew

Opinions on sex before marriage?

theres another type of sex?

Best room for a fireplace?

the den

Do you want to get married?

yes

[obsequence]

hi so this is for if you care about my writing ! my new blog is @suturism and im gonna be posting updates about my wips on there alongside my other mainblog shit :) i also have a twitter by the same username but i really just tweet abt random shit on there lol , but feel free to follow me if u want !!

im about to ramble a bit so if tail lights is your concern that's below here

obviously , i barely wrote last year , especially compared to the year before that . i didnt really make an effort in my writing at all after about march or so . and it wasn't lack or motivation or ideas

for a lot of people , it's really easy to write TO cope with like difficult situations but for me that's just . not it . im a very tunnel-visioned person and i can really only focus on one goal at once , and my goal for 2023 was literally like: survive . because of life situations plus my own health . i also didnt know whether id have to get extended care , so i didnt want to start any like big fics or anything during that time because i didnt know if id be able to update . thats the primary reason i didnt write much

the second is literally just insecurity and posting anxiety which sounds stupid LOL but it's super real for me . im really trying not to be so self conscious about what i post and to be content with the fact that i have progress to make , but it's hard at times . esp because (imo) tail lights was lackluster and i REALLY want my next multichapter to be better and something i can be proud of . so up to this point ive kinda been too anxious to post much if im being honest ! but i can feel that ebbing and it's simultaneously exciting and scary !

the third reason is just that like up til recently i didnt see a point !! my perspective towards writing has been really negative for a while but now im like rediscovering my love for it in my own and others' works and im just so . it makes me gush and also ANGRY because i feel stupid for neglecting it for this long LOL

so yeah with that: tail lights haha . im sorry but this the official funeral :| better now than holding out hope .

its status is basically: i have no PLANS to finish part two and i dont WANT to finish part two , so dont anticipate anything . not saying it wont ever happen if one day my feelings change but like i really dont see that happening so

i just have too many ick feelings associated to continue it and also enjoy it , so i really am sorry about that

BUT just because i am less invested in tail lights doesnt mean it isnt important to me still !! i appreciate everyone who read it/kudosed/commented/holds it dear 🖤 more than you can ever know . writing that showed me that people WILL actually read what i write , and that they care about it too , and thats a priceless sentiment i cherish

and with THAT: new writing !

so i dont wanna say anything super concrete but what im posting next is PROBABLY going to be yellowjackets related , but it may be saltburn or even tlou !! ill probably write a fic or two related to tlou after the remastered comes out depending on how much content we get and if its anything i can work with :)

but yeah if u read this far thank u for caring about my writing i love you

[goodfully]

long time no post.. life updates? grad school really is kicking my butt</3 i finished up my first year tho and am currently taking classes over the summer semester as well. i'm trying to pick myself back up and be more alive again, but it has been difficult honestly hahaha

it's funny bc halfway through last semester, i thought i had to drop out of grad school or else i was going to kms, but here i am still in school and still alive! also ofc with all the protests more recently (free palestine!), i think i was just so drained of everything. on the other hand, i'm happy with the papers i had written in my classes and i just submitted one of them to a philosophy and education conference, i really hope it gets accepted... i also just paid my overdue housing fees and tuition for the summer semester.. LOL help

readings updates? i read milton's "paradise lost" over last semester for a class and it was absolutely brilliant honestly. genuinely i need to read the bible LOL anyway i had started reading iris murdoch's "the black prince" but i haven't been able to continue reading past the nussbaum's intro since my classes started again. i also really desperately want to read steinbeck's "east of eden" hahaha but i only have time to read stuff i have to read for classes. i imagine that i wont be able to finish reading dostoyevsky's "the idiot" and tolstoy's "anna karenina" either until after i graduate... it makes me a little bit sad, i wish i had more time. i guess that's why i haven't posted anything here either, since the reason i made a tumblr account in the first place last year was to ramble about "the brothers karamazov" and "my brilliant friend" and i havent read a single book for fun this year so far</3

admittedly, i've been feeling sooo alone..! one of the things on my summer bucket list is to start seeing a therapist but i still cant get myself to do it hahaha i dont think theres anything a therapist could say to me that i havent already thought about to myself. i think what i actually need is get diagnosed, is it autism or personality issues or ocd..? but what do i know, right! regardless.. i'm also just so busy with my jobs and with my classes and with resting by self isolating in all the times between.

hmm i've gotten five more piercings since the start of the year and i've been somewhat keeping track of time based on when i got my piercings and when i'll get my next one... i don't know what this means but it's just been a little concern of mine that i can't seem to ground myself unless i can feel a part of my body "healing"...

also.. happy pride! global queer liberation! ahh, happy pride to fellow aroace ppl! haha thats another thing ive come to terms with recently. as far as my "summer bucket list" goes besides potentially seeing a therapist, i'd like to kiss somebody, get my hair dyed, get more piercings haha, go to a club wearing just a binder and a mini skirt, get back into learning calc and sketching..! alright, i think that's all for life updates here... tbh this is probably more for me to vent hahaha all the best wishes

[tera-91]

Half-cooked thoughts part 2

So I wrote up that last rant over several days. Most of which is still right.

Pupper 1 is healing from surgery and is not being a very good patient. Taking the medication has become better once we figured out how to hide them in food. But also said pup is definitely feeling better and is trying to do things which should be done at a later stage in healing. We still need to just walk and take things slow, but this little tazmanian wants to just run and play.

The other needs a recheck. Im hoping that we having gained much weight back. Because of pup 1 I havnt been able to take pup 2 on as many walks that we probably should be going on. We had been doing so well with losing or at least maintaining weight and not gaining. But now that I have typed this, when I take the pupper in for a weight check it will be higher …

The part from the last rant that is kind of wrong has more so to do with my job. I listened to other people both family and co-workers, I tried to speak to the manager to see if we could come to a better understanding as it one put it there is mis-communication on both sides. I am in a position I absolutely hate. This manager seems to just focus on insignificant parts and talks in circles. So I might still have a job and I might not. It was clear as mud in the conversation. I wont know until the next schedule comes out and even then it sounded like it wouldn’t be back to “normal” amount of hours, just something to keep me on payroll as the manager said they have to speak to another manager.

I guess if I keep my job and we come to a little bit of a better understanding cool but if not I feel like that conversation sort of justified my leaving in the first place.

I guess on the bright side. While I hurry up and wait anyway. It will give me a little bit of distance and I can try to accomplish other things. Which would be great as I just found out it is unlikely for me to qualify for aid as I go to school to try for a better job. Im going to start the process to appeal it to get someone to give it a second look but the first year wont really be a problem for me as I don’t need many classes so the cost wont be crazy. At least I hope. I have some saved up. But when I get into the actual program, if I understand it correctly is like 10k. I’m not sure if that is total or per semester. Which if its total I may be able to do a semester or two but otherwise without somekind of financial help I wont be able to do.  So I either need this job or figure something out in the next handful of months if the appeal doesn’t pan out.

I wont be twiddling my thumbs the whole time as I wait to find out. Or at least I say that. I have lists upon lists of things that I need to do or ideas I can pursue. I need to just not procrastinate and do them.

The problem sometimes though is I don’t know if I’m actually procrastinating or if I’m just burnt out. Like sure I have a list of all the videos I can make of the current recordings I have. I also have a list of chores that need to be done around the house to keep it clean and upkeep. I have a third list of items I need to buy at the store. I could probably make a list of video ideas that I would have to write scripts for. I could also probably write a list of stories with basic info of how it should go. Plus I need to finish my book. I made a promise to someone that I would have that thing finished and published in just over a year from now.

But honestly.

Right now my brain wants to do all those things to a point of I don’t know where I want to start. To edit I need time. Which I need to wait for the pupper to be taking a nap. To write I need other projects to not be bugging my mind. To clean/upkeep I need to figure out a place to start. I am bad at time management I never know how much time something will take me. Usually how it goes is if I feel like something will take me a long time, it doesn’t. If I feel like something will take me a short time, it doesn’t. But If I think something will take a short time so I decide it will take a long time, it doesn’t, I was right the first time it doesn’t take that long.

So then I just get to a point where all I want to do is to binge watch TV shows or Youtube videos.

Well anyway. Today is a new day. I have already written almost a thousand words.

I only have one more shift before I am in limbo. At least it’s a short one so I have the rest of the day to work on things.

Maybe I can look over my lists and make a small list. Get at least one item from each list done. The weather is nice. Might get a thing or two done out there. The weather lately has made it really difficult to keep the outside from being chaotic. Right now part of the yard has been taken over by wild flowers. Normally I would really like this, to feed the various insects and animals. But these flowers are really tall ones and I know I have a snake taking up residence in that area. A good snake, but still I would like to see it for when my pups are out there so we can keep a friendly distance from each other.

[axesilly]

i cant afford therapy so im going to talk about my troubles on here because i dont know what else to do 👍 i dont know if this will reach anyone but it might make me feel better. sorry if its a bit lengthy, ive had these feelings for a while

for the sake of anonymity and my own safety i will not be mentioning any names of people, towns, or schools :]

so im in college, im an art major. im from a small town with nothing to do except go to a mall the next town over and im going to college in another small town 5 hours away from home. this small town also has jack shit to do unless you drive 45 minute to an hour away. im currently in my spring semester of my freshman year and i have gotten so absolutely mentally and physically drained since i got a fast food job. i got a job making pizzas at yknow one of those big chain corporations pizza places, and the store i work at has only been open a few months. its absolutely chaotic and no one knows how to do anything except a few select people. my boss, the general manager, also doesnt know how to do anything because its his first time doing something like this. one of the other managers also only works there because hes friends with the general manager and he is not the greatest person, as he tends to sexually harrass the staff including a friend i made there. now ive already put in my two weeks last saturday, but that doesnt take away from how drained this job has made me.

Since the spring semester started ive been constantly piled with work (one week i was scheduled 6 days in a row when i had a big project to work on, i had a breakdown at work to my general manager), writing assignments, and project after project. (not even kidding my drawing professor gives us a new project the same day we turn one in) in my senior year of high school i loved fine arts and i believed that i wanted to follow in my art teachers footsteps and pursue my love of art and make art for my career. and while i do still love fine arts and making art, i just cannot do this constantly. since just before my spring break i started not going to my classes as consistently and i swore to myself i would start going again after the break. well that break just made it worse it seems because everything has just gone more and more downhill. i have still been missing classes because some days its difficult to get out of bed and i do not have the motivation to go to class just to sit there and not be able to pay attention for an hour/hour and a half. im behind on a project for one of my classes because i havent gone since ive been back from spring break (two weeks). i have an exam for one of my classes soon and im not even close to prepared. i had a 3 page essay due last night i started but havent finished (luckily i can turn it in a little late). it may sound lazy but these are my real struggles with my mental health. i feel trapped here. i do have a license and a car, i do have transportation so i can go places, but its such an old car it has so many problems (one which has arisen recently being if i stop somewhere and turn my car off, it wont crank back up immediately and i have to wait 10-15 minutes, and once it is on i have to revv it to make sure it stays on). so because of car problems and currently living in a small town im frustrated because it feels like i cant go anywhere to do anything fun. i feel trapped in my dorm and in my mind.

now comes the college problem. the college i go to currently is a nice school, i get 8 meals a week on my meal plan included in my tuition. theres several places to choose from the eat at, theres a gym, free health exams i think. but its driving me insane seeing the same old brick buildings every damn day. i currently dont have a roommate so im in a dorm by myself which probably contributes to this feeling of lonliness. i dont really have many friends, i had more last semester but they did not keep in touch. i do have one friend that i appreciate very much and she always worries and wants to help when she sees im upset. shes a real one. but seeing the same things, learning about the same repetitive lessons every single day, has driven me insane. my art history class has been the same topics since the start of the semester, its all been about works of art pertaining to jesus, and mary, and god and the angel telling mary shes pregnant and marys purity and this symbolizing that and i understand why its important to learn about these works of art and how they have shaped art today, but i cannot stand hearing the same things over and over. im not a christian, and i dont believe theres anything wrong with christianity as long as youre not hurting anyone with your beliefs, but these topics are so repetitive ever class i have. the semesters almost over and we havent even gotten to modern art yet, and in my opinion thats what truly matters to learn about because thats what we as artists would need to look at to have a reference for how we should make our art right? art is about expressing yourself and we need to see how others making art in the modern era are expressing themselves as well. and on the topic of expressing ourselves, my drawing class, every single project, my professor has us stick to such strict criteria. one of my projects my professor actually really liked, i liked, but she took points off because i had my girlfriends name written very small where you could barely even see, because we were not supposed to have any text. i feel like i cannot even be creative and truly express myself with these projects. i dont feel like i have any real freedom with them. i love fine arts and i love making art, but not when its like this. i want to be able to make my own art that actually expresses my feelings, not someone elses criteria. because of all of this my grades have been rapidly dropping.

now i have already made the decision weeks ago that i will not be returning to this school in the next fall semester. i discussed this with my mom already as she does the majority of my paperwork and things for this stuff. she wants me to transfer to a college closer to home so i can atleast get a general studies degree. but thats not what i want to do either. she told me not to flunk my classes this semester because that will make it difficult to transfer me to another school, but how do you expect me to get good grades when i constantly feel like im in hell in my mind. i mentioned wanting to maybe take a gap year, she doesnt want me to do that. school is horrible for my mental health like this, i dont understand why society thinks we should just have everything we want to do with the rest of our life figured out immediately out of high school. well i dont. and i dont want to stay in college immediately out of high school. i want to go live my life! me and my girlfriend are long distance (we have met in person several times and shes actually coming to visit me this month, but just seeing each other for a week at a time is not enough) and i really want to go live with her! i want to enjoy living and living with the person i love more than life itself! i currently dont feel like i can do that here or back home. i want to move somewhere else with my girlfriend so we can both be happy and love life. i want to move out of state to a slightly bigger city, nothing crazy like new york or atlanta, but just somewhere bigger than a small town with nothing to do whatsoever. i do have a place in mind but im not going to say where. and when i move, after a year i can qualify for in state tuition and pursue something that makes me happier. ive always loved animals and marine animals so i was thinking i could major in zoology and marine biology and work at an aquarium or something while im working on my degree. and i dont fully know how the paperwork and things work for transferring and such, especially after a break, so i could be in the wrong, but is it really wrong for wanting the best for myself?

and to be honest with myself i know exactly why im in college and its not to get a degree. i was raised constantly being compared to my siblings. my brother is trans (which my parents are very obviously not too fond of) dropped out of college and joined the military. my sister dropped out of college after a semester, got married to a horrible man who she just recently divorced after having two children with him. and being compared to them all my life, especially to my brother, made me want to be better than them. i wanted to be the one, as the youngest, to be the first one to get through college immediately, all four years, no problem. but its just too much for me. and dropping out, moving away, im terrified. im terrified that my parents will be disappointed in me. im terrified of that face my mother makes, that tone of voice, when shes disappointed in me for something. im terrified of getting lectured and told why everything i want is wrong. its irrational. and im terified if i move away i wont have her support anymore. i wont have her to lean on when i need help with something. i was never taught where to go or how to do stuff for applying to colleges and transferring. i barely know how to do my taxes.

now i really dont know what this article-like rant of a tumblr post is gonna do. i know i dont really have a following and i dont really post on here. but i just thought itd make me feel better to collect my thoughts and put them all together like this. so far the only people concerned about me have been my girlfriend and a couple of my friends ive told about these problems. not even my professors are concerned about me, i havent even gotten a single email or question about how im doing. they say theyre all for mental health but when a student stops coming to class as often suddenly and starts failing or not turning in assignments its none of their business and i must just be getting lazy and im a horrible student yknow? anyways i think thats about it for this. again i dont really know what this will do but i hope someone has advice or support or something. im going insane here.

love to anyone else suffering similar struggles <3

[breadstick4breakfast]

An in-depth guide to Cursed Tank Simulator.

You can play the game here.

Chapter 1: The Garage.

Hello, new recruit! Welcome to the TDF, or Tanmk Defense Force. Things get a bit complicated around here, so I'll be showing you around. Let's start with the place you'll be visiting the most, the garage.

Oh, look at that! They already finished your tanmk! Well, this one belongs to you now. Now, I know what you're thinking, and we'll get to that later, but first you need to know a bit more about how our tanmks are built, and how you can build your own!

In order to demonstrate how tanmks are built, we'll take apart your tanmk and slowly rebuild it as we go along. Good? I don't care what you said because you don't have a choice in the matter.

Now, we've decapitated your tanmk to inform you of how important the hull of the tanmk is. After all, there are turretless tanmks, but no hull-less ones. The hull is responsible for the speed of the tanmk, how hard it is to penetrate the lower half, et cetera et cetera.

We've given the tanmk its head back! Don't think that the turret is any less important than the hull, though! The turret allows you to shoot directly behind you, after all. But only a fool would think that we were done. Let's move onto the last part.

Your tanmk is whole again! Now, the gun on your tanmk is downright the most important part of your tanmk. You can be an impenetrable monster, but if you can't fight back, you aren't going anywhere. On the other end of the spectrum, you can be a nigh unarmored tank, but with a strong gun, you can make quick and precise snipes, or be swift and attack first, disabling your opponent for a swift kill. P.S. Also, here's a cheeky strategy, you can shoot the gun to disable it, making it easier to neutralize the enemy. Until they repair it, that is.

Well, anyways, it's about time we got more specific. This is probably gonna screw with your neurons or some shit, but we might as well do it so we don't have to tear the tanmk apart again. Engineers!

Alright! Now we can see the internals of our tanmk. Let's start with the most striking part of this x-ray view, the crew. Your crew is irreplaceable, and should be protected at all costs. You can see four crew members in this tanmk, those being the gunner, the commander, and the two drivers. If the drivers are dead, the tanmk won't be able to move, and if the gunner is dead, the turret won't be able to turn and the gun wont be able to shoot. The commander is there to be able to replace any member of the crew.

Now, just below the feet of the drivers, you can see the transmission. The transmission delivers power to the sprocket, which drives the tank. If the transmission is out, then the tanmk won't be able to move until it is repaired.

It's a bit difficult to see the rear of your tanmk from this angle, so let's move around to the back.

Much better. From this angle, we can see a few more things. We'll start with the big blue box on the right. That's your ammunition, and your tanmk holds 250 shells in that little box. One small issue, though. If you know how a bullet works, you know that there's a bit of primer in each one of those shells. If your ammunition is hit in the wrong spot, it can detonate, which is very bad for your crew. So make sure to protect it!

The smaller grey box is your fuel tank. If it's hit too hard, it can start a fire in the back of your tanmk! This is pretty bad, obviously, especially because it's right next to your ammunition! If the fire burns for too long, it could set off the primer in the ammunition!

Now, the black part. That's your engine. It works similarly to the transmission, in how when it's destroyed the tanmk becomes incapable of moving, but other than that, it's repairable.

Now before we move on, I want you to understand a few extra things. You can have a line-up of four different tanmks at a time to take into battle, and you can repaint your tanmks and even decorate them. Got it? Cool. Let's go talk to Joe.

Chapter 2: Economy.

Here's Joe's Shack. Joe here lets me and you buy parts off of him. and incorporate them onto our tanmk. Though nothing in life is free, and makes us pay for the parts. Don't worry, though, because you can get money from contributing to battles.

Before we get to blueprints, we gotta understand how to get the materials for 'em. At the end of every battle, everyone gets a few free crates. The quality of these crates depends on the tier you fought in (we'll go more in-depth on tiers later), but overall its the same. You can open the crates in your garage.

We can... ignore what's on the paper right now, but the point is that the engineers will sell you copies of their blueprints for you to build using the materials that you get in the crates. Joe doesn't sell them, so their blueprints are the only way to get the exclusive parts.

Chapter 3: Battling.

Now, you want to get onto the battlefield. Well, first you're gonna need to know a few things. Different parts have different armor thicknesses, meaning that they either won't be penetrated by certain cannons, or can be penetrated easily. Different parts of the tanmk have thinner or thicker armor, so you may not be able to penetrate the front of a tanmk, but if so I recommend you go around them and try to penetrate the sides or rear of the opponent.

You're gonna want to understand the different types of shells you're gonna be using, so we'll be going over the most important three; AP (Armor-Piercing), HE (High Explosive) and APHE (Armor-Piercing High Explosive). AP is your everyday shell, when it penetrates it breaks up into shrapnel which can damage different modules. HE is an infantry-grade round, and due to being such has below average penetration. However, if it does penetrate, it causes havoc inside the tanmk, and can often one-shot opponents. APHE is the best of both worlds, and few cannons are able to accommodate it as such.

The #1 most important part of tank warfare as a whole, nonetheless tanmk warfare, is situational awareness. If you're speeding through town in a light tank with a big gun, and you don't see the enemy tanmk at the end of the road, you're gonna get blown up. If you don't see the flanker, he's gonna put a shell straight through your side.

(Now... There isn't much to go over here, huh... Most of it is just common sense...) Oh! Tiers! Nearly forgot. More advanced parts are separated by tiers. You start out in tier 1-2 servers, and can eventually progress to 11-12! (Even I haven't gotten there yet...)

Now, here's a good tip. Treat every corner like there's an enemy behind it. If there isn't, better safe than sorry. If there is, you now have the reaction time to (possibly) shoot them before they shoot you, which is a good thing, if you couldn't tell.

Chapter 4: Closing Thoughts.

Now you're ready for your first battle. Go out there and detonate a panzer or something! I don't know, I'm not responsible for you beyond this tutorial.

[dogboyboyshorts]

OK NOW TIME FOR SOME SPLAIN'N

so the reason i haven't been on for the past... two months? is because i gave myself a rule about logging back on. see i had been reading clive barker's books of blood, the first volume, and while i did enjoy it, it was taking a bit so i was like ok. how about im not allowed to open tumblr until i finish this book (and at that point, the last two stories were "sex, death, and starshine" and "in the hills, the cities"). and i procrastinated on finishing it. for TWO MONTHS. but im back now! and im glad i took the time off because i had a great time and it was really helpful for clearing my head of brainrot

for the next week, maybe two weeks, idk maybe less, im just gonna be on like normal, but after that im going to try to finish at least one short story in-between log-ons. so im planning on getting the second volume of books of blood, and then once im done with all of those im moving onto jorge luis borges. hopefully this means my usage will be spaced out enough that i wont get turbo brainrot, and hopefully this will also incentivize me to read more since ive been struggling with that all year. so if i disappear again, dont worry! im just likely just procrastinating and am probably having a great time in the real world. or just on other sites besides this one, lol

i realized i mentioned i've been on pinterest, but i also realized i forgot to link my username! you can find me on pinterest here and on reddit here, and if ive been offline on tumblr for a while, you can probably contact me through there if you wanna check up on me.

STUFF IVE BEEN DOING:

over the period i was absent i managed to get cast in, rehearse for, and then perform a one-act play at my local theater over two weekends! as you can imagine our schedule was pretty tight, but i think we managed to pull it off really well considering everything. ive also been taking some classes that have been super duper interesting and i wont say too much cuz i dont want to dox myself, but i have been learning some rudimentary asl and its very enriching for a poor little boy such as me.

comic books! after exactly a year away i went back to the original joe kelly run of deadpool, and lo and behold it was just as great as people said it was! besides that im making my way through the utterly massive chris claremont run of x-men comics, with the help of some handy omnibuses i've acquired online. be prepared for nightcrawlerposting. i literally started the series because i thought he was cute and im so glad i did. and im also reading doom patrol!!!!!! im nearly done with grant morrison's run (i have like five issues left??? crazy) and then im gonna be moving on to the rachel pollack run, and after that, im skipping right to the gerard way run!

IN THE FUTURE

its october now which means im going to try to watch all the horror movies i didnt last year. and we're also coming up on one year of genocide so i want to be able to help at least somewhat, at least a little bit more than i already have been. ill be making a separate post for this but im planning on opening a few donation commission slots, maybe five, maybe just three. ive been struggling to output anything artwise so i hope drawing something for someone else can make that easier for me.

anyway, good to see everyone again! here's hoping things turn out okay for all of us. brace yourselves for a tumult of fandomposting after this message, ive been itching to dive back into the tagsearch for too long!

HEY GUYS HI

OK!!! HELLO!!!! YES IVE BEEN DOING FINE ITS GOOD TO SEE YOU. IM GOING TO CHECK MY NOTIFS REAL QUICK AND THEN ILL GIVE AN EXPLANATION

[crookedkryptonitebeliever]

i’ve noticed that you update language barrier pretty much everyday with very little time or days between every update. i was wondering how you update it so fast? do you already have most of the story finished but just adding some last minute touch ups and/or checking for grammar mistakes? or do you just do one chapter a day in a impressively short time? i’m curious since what i noticed writers tend to take some time updating their stories so it was just really new to see someone update theirs so frequently. 

I shit u not, at this point im a degenerate neet

I wake up at 1pm, have one meal until 1:30pm abd then sit in front of the computer until 2am in the morning, typing away, each chapter i try to go for 4000 words but never able to reach them most of the time, so usually its around 3500 plus

It all started with me breaking my leg 💔 before that i had a job and shit but now nyeeh i cant really do shit without breaking down crying how painful my leg is, so im doing this to cope and stuff

If u look closer theres a lot of leg and foot injury mentions recently, especially when it comes to Yandere Best Friend

I dont do touchups and grammar check, or even check for plotholes or continuity- i rely on my vague recollection of the previous part , then i publish my chapters hot out of the oven, right after add a bunch of tags, link my masterpost and previous posts , at that point my brain is fried thru n thru and thars why my author's note looks like it was written by someone on fucking molly

How i write is by checkpoints or specific sentences that I want to be added in the story- and in between each checkpoints i pump out filler chapters, these filler chapters can range anywhere from one chapter or 7 fuckin chapters

U kno that wordy translation about "she who is divine" bullcrap? That is A checkpoint, everything else past the Giant vs 2718 fight was just filler lol

Fun fact, part 11 where theres a lot of angst with 2718 is considered a filler chapter 2 me

As soon as i put out a post, i go straight back to my drafts and work on the next part

The reason why thers so many fillers is cause i try not to use timeskips all that much, the pacing between chapters are usually within a 30 hour timeframe (with the exception where reader fell into a comas cause i dont want to write the entire journey back, i thought it would be boring as hell to just describe 2718 put a foot in front of his other foot repeatedly)

The next major checkpoint is probably like lightyears away, i try to churn out as much as i can before the end of this month, where ill restart uni and wont have any time to update AT ALL, lest i fall into dormancy until i break my other leg

Language Barrier is just one long bullshit session lol