#and i never actually stopped having the bad opinions that redacted talked me into

[tronlightcyclerun]

aaaaughghghhg sometimes i remember that im 17 and theres at least one timeline of me being 17 and in the computer and i was doing the exact opposite of what im doing now . i really just *** **** ********* ** ***** didnt i . what the actual fuck am i doing

[ooctlt]

I think the etiquette of ask blogs is a forgotten art. what I'm saying is (imo) it's not that people don't want to play, it is they don't know HOW, and more importantly they don't understand that the game exists to begin with. obviously you do not have to teach people the rules because your time and energy is finite but idk. it feels like from some of your OOC responses that you assume people know the rules and are playing badly, but I genuinely think people (me) just don't know what you are wanting them (us) to do. and also they (i) don't know how to tell if they (i) are playing the game correctly.

An example I am genuinely confused about is, is inciting a "shut up" answer a signal that the game is being played correctly, because we are inciting a reaction from the character? or is a "shut up" answer a signal that we are playing wrong and need to do something different? I'm sorry. I really love your art and seeing the story unfold but I'm confused and I want to play and I don't understand how.

yeah ive had a couple people tell me this has been the first active askblog in a while and the concept of askblog etiquette has been forgotten- @thatneoncrisis and i made a diagram:

link to full-res image

a "shut up" reaction will hopefully show whether or not it's a closed path of exploration: if you have gideon sweating, going "pshhh its nothinggg" it means there is something worth exploring. if you have harrow slamming the door in your face, that is an advance that wont work on her

transcript under the readmore:

DEAD END QUESTION ANON: CAMILLA DO YOU THINK HARROW'S HOT?

"Please stop talking to me."

This question is BAD because it's BLUNT, INCREDIBLY PERSONAL and founded on INCOMPLETE KNOWLEDGE of their relationship.

NOTE that its not that shitty questions will NEVER be answered, its that 1) they have a LOWER chance of being answered and 2) they have a HIGHER chance of being made fun of in character

gideon: haha who thinks harrow is HOT

DECENT INCONSEQUENTIAL QUESTION ANON: CAMILLA DO YOU LIKE TO DO ANYTHING FUN WITH HARROW?

"Sure. We run a lot of errands together."

This kind of question may not advance the plot, as it is INCREDIBLY BROAD yet NONINVASIVE. They're good for quick 1-3 panel answers. May generally be met with a less EXCITING answer.

It might also be DIFFICULT TO ANSWER because a broad question could include MULTIPLE ANSWERS - asking "do you guys go out" could not be answered SUSTAINABLY, because i cannot draw all the places they visit

ANON: EVERYONE, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CLOUD / WATER / MOLECULAR STRUCTURE / BONE / CAR / COFFEE BRAND/ BOOK CHARACTER?

me: "i have to do so much research"

NEAT QUESTION CAMILLA HAS HARROW EVER ASKED YOU TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER SHE WAS EXCITED ABOUT?

"Yes, actually. She once invited me to [REDACTED], I didn't know she liked that sort of thing."

This question is SICK AS FUCK because not only do you learn something SUBSTANTIAL about the characters, you have stumbled upon A NEW PLOT BRANCH, one that actively deepens character connections and their past within the world. It specifically remarks upon a MEMORY* rather than AN OPINION and will typically be LONGER.

Another good option is to PROMPT something following this:

ANON: CAMILLA, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY TAKING HARROW OUT TO DO [REDACTED] THAT SHE LIKES BEFORE XYZ?

and this can then spiral onward…

*DM, ONE TIME I ASKED ABOUT A MEMORY AND I GOT A RUDE ANSWER; WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

It's not that this topic can never be spoken about, it's about WHEN you asked it and HOW you said it, or even WHO you asked.

Some topics, like the nature of HARROW AND GIDEON'S UPBRINGING are too recent for them to talk about, it has only been TWO YEARS since they left and there are SPECIFICS about the situation that the AUDIENCE hasn't discovered yet. There are things like GIDEON'S PARENTS that she CANNOT answer because she DOESN'T KNOW and answering multiple asks with I DON'T KNOW becomes repetitive and dull for both the DM and PLAYER.

BUT! She can learn! Over time, when the time is appropriate and feels the most natural for STORY PROGESSION. Think of it like a BAD ENDING in a visual novel. You START OVER and ask a DIFFERENT QUESTION, or approach it from a DIFFERENT ANGLE. If Gideon reacts poorly to someone congratulating her leaving BAD CIRCUMSTANCES, consider talking to her about the FUTURE. Instead of trying to pry at Camilla to see if she had an INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with Pyrrha, try to ask about other things in that period of her life, like how they met or what caused her to move out.

FINALLY, if you'd like an ask to be answered out of character, your best bet would be to goto @notedchampagne and send it there. If you'd like an ask to be answered SINCERELY or you don't want SNARK, you can specify this in the ask, but know this blog may not be your thing.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Edward Schlosser

Published: Jun 3, 2015

I’m a professor at a midsize state school. I have been teaching college classes for nine years now. I have won (minor) teaching awards, studied pedagogy extensively, and almost always score highly on my student evaluations. I am not a world-class teacher by any means, but I am conscientious; I attempt to put teaching ahead of research, and I take a healthy emotional stake in the well-being and growth of my students.

Things have changed since I started teaching. The vibe is different. I wish there were a less blunt way to put this, but my students sometimes scare me — particularly the liberal ones.

Not, like, in a person-by-person sense, but students in general. The student-teacher dynamic has been reenvisioned along a line that’s simultaneously consumerist and hyper-protective, giving each and every student the ability to claim Grievous Harm in nearly any circumstance, after any affront, and a teacher’s formal ability to respond to these claims is limited at best.

What it was like before

In early 2009, I was an adjunct, teaching a freshman-level writing course at a community college. Discussing infographics and data visualization, we watched a flash animation describing how Wall Street’s recklessness had destroyed the economy.

The video stopped, and I asked whether the students thought it was effective. An older student raised his hand.

”What about Fannie and Freddie?” he asked. “Government kept giving homes to black people, to help out black people, white people didn’t get anything, and then they couldn’t pay for them. What about that?”

I gave a quick response about how most experts would disagree with that assumption, that it was actually an oversimplification, and pretty dishonest, and isn’t it good that someone made the video we just watched to try to clear things up? And, hey, let’s talk about whether that was effective, okay? If you don’t think it was, how could it have been?

The rest of the discussion went on as usual.

The next week, I got called into my director’s office. I was shown an email, sender name redacted, alleging that I “possessed communistical [sic] sympathies and refused to tell more than one side of the story.” The story in question wasn’t described, but I suspect it had do to with whether or not the economic collapse was caused by poor black people.

My director rolled her eyes. She knew the complaint was silly bullshit. I wrote up a short description of the past week’s class work, noting that we had looked at several examples of effective writing in various media and that I always made a good faith effort to include conservative narratives along with the liberal ones.

Along with a carbon-copy form, my description was placed into a file that may or may not have existed. Then ... nothing. It disappeared forever; no one cared about it beyond their contractual duties to document student concerns. I never heard another word of it again.

That was the first, and so far only, formal complaint a student has ever filed against me.

Now boat-rocking isn’t just dangerous — it’s suicidal

This isn’t an accident: I have intentionally adjusted my teaching materials as the political winds have shifted. (I also make sure all my remotely offensive or challenging opinions, such as this article, are expressed either anonymously or pseudonymously). Most of my colleagues who still have jobs have done the same. We’ve seen bad things happen to too many good teachers — adjuncts getting axed because their evaluations dipped below a 3.0, grad students being removed from classes after a single student complaint, and so on.

I once saw an adjunct not get his contract renewed after students complained that he exposed them to “offensive” texts written by Edward Said and Mark Twain. His response, that the texts were meant to be a little upsetting, only fueled the students’ ire and sealed his fate. That was enough to get me to comb through my syllabi and cut out anything I could see upsetting a coddled undergrad, texts ranging from Upton Sinclair to Maureen Tkacik — and I wasn’t the only one who made adjustments, either.

I am frightened sometimes by the thought that a student would complain again like he did in 2009. Only this time it would be a student accusing me not of saying something too ideologically extreme — be it communism or racism or whatever — but of not being sensitive enough toward his feelings, of some simple act of indelicacy that’s considered tantamount to physical assault. As Northwestern University professor Laura Kipnis writes, “Emotional discomfort is [now] regarded as equivalent to material injury, and all injuries have to be remediated.” Hurting a student’s feelings, even in the course of instruction that is absolutely appropriate and respectful, can now get a teacher into serious trouble.

In 2009, the subject of my student’s complaint was my supposed ideology. I was communistical, the student felt, and everyone knows that communisticism is wrong. That was, at best, a debatable assertion. And as I was allowed to rebut it, the complaint was dismissed with prejudice. I didn’t hesitate to reuse that same video in later semesters, and the student’s complaint had no impact on my performance evaluations.

In 2015, such a complaint would not be delivered in such a fashion. Instead of focusing on the rightness or wrongness (or even acceptability) of the materials we reviewed in class, the complaint would center solely on how my teaching affected the student’s emotional state. As I cannot speak to the emotions of my students, I could not mount a defense about the acceptability of my instruction. And if I responded in any way other than apologizing and changing the materials we reviewed in class, professional consequences would likely follow.

I wrote about this fear on my blog, and while the response was mostly positive, some liberals called me paranoid, or expressed doubt about why any teacher would nix the particular texts I listed. I guarantee you that these people do not work in higher education, or if they do they are at least two decades removed from the job search. The academic job market is brutal. Teachers who are not tenured or tenure-track faculty members have no right to due process before being dismissed, and there’s a mile-long line of applicants eager to take their place. And as writer and academic Freddie DeBoer writes, they don’t even have to be formally fired — they can just not get rehired. In this type of environment, boat-rocking isn’t just dangerous, it’s suicidal, and so teachers limit their lessons to things they know won’t upset anybody.

The real problem: a simplistic, unworkable, and ultimately stifling conception of social justice

This shift in student-teacher dynamic placed many of the traditional goals of higher education — such as having students challenge their beliefs — off limits. While I used to pride myself on getting students to question themselves and engage with difficult concepts and texts, I now hesitate. What if this hurts my evaluations and I don’t get tenure? How many complaints will it take before chairs and administrators begin to worry that I’m not giving our customers — er, students, pardon me — the positive experience they’re paying for? Ten? Half a dozen? Two or three?

This phenomenon has been widely discussed as of late, mostly as a means of deriding political, economic, or cultural forces writers don’t much care for. Commentators on the left and right have recently criticized the sensitivity and paranoia of today’s college students. They worry about the stifling of free speech, the implementation of unenforceable conduct codes, and a general hostility against opinions and viewpoints that could cause students so much as a hint of discomfort.

I agree with some of these analyses more than others, but they all tend to be too simplistic. The current student-teacher dynamic has been shaped by a large confluence of factors, and perhaps the most important of these is the manner in which cultural studies and social justice writers have comported themselves in popular media. I have a great deal of respect for both of these fields, but their manifestations online, their desire to democratize complex fields of study by making them as digestible as a TGIF sitcom, has led to adoption of a totalizing, simplistic, unworkable, and ultimately stifling conception of social justice. The simplicity and absolutism of this conception has combined with the precarity of academic jobs to create higher ed’s current climate of fear, a heavily policed discourse of semantic sensitivity in which safety and comfort have become the ends and the means of the college experience.

This new understanding of social justice politics resembles what University of Pennsylvania political science professor Adolph Reed Jr. calls a politics of personal testimony, in which the feelings of individuals are the primary or even exclusive means through which social issues are understood and discussed. Reed derides this sort of political approach as essentially being a non-politics, a discourse that “is focused much more on taxonomy than politics [which] emphasizes the names by which we should call some strains of inequality [ ... ] over specifying the mechanisms that produce them or even the steps that can be taken to combat them.” Under such a conception, people become more concerned with signaling goodness, usually through semantics and empty gestures, than with actually working to effect change.

Herein lies the folly of oversimplified identity politics: while identity concerns obviously warrant analysis, focusing on them too exclusively draws our attention so far inward that none of our analyses can lead to action. Rebecca Reilly Cooper, a political philosopher at the University of Warwick, worries about the effectiveness of a politics in which ��particular experiences can never legitimately speak for any one other than ourselves, and personal narrative and testimony are elevated to such a degree that there can be no objective standpoint from which to examine their veracity.” Personal experience and feelings aren’t just a salient touchstone of contemporary identity politics; they are the entirety of these politics. In such an environment, it’s no wonder that students are so prone to elevate minor slights to protestable offenses.

(It’s also why seemingly piddling matters of cultural consumption warrant much more emotional outrage than concerns with larger material implications. Compare the number of web articles surrounding the supposed problematic aspects of the newest Avengers movie with those complaining about, say, the piecemeal dismantling of abortion rights. The former outnumber the latter considerably, and their rhetoric is typically much more impassioned and inflated. I’d discuss this in my classes — if I weren’t too scared to talk about abortion.)

The press for actionability, or even for comprehensive analyses that go beyond personal testimony, is hereby considered redundant, since all we need to do to fix the world’s problems is adjust the feelings attached to them and open up the floor for various identity groups to have their say. All the old, enlightened means of discussion and analysis —from due process to scientific method — are dismissed as being blind to emotional concerns and therefore unfairly skewed toward the interest of straight white males. All that matters is that people are allowed to speak, that their narratives are accepted without question, and that the bad feelings go away.

So it’s not just that students refuse to countenance uncomfortable ideas — they refuse to engage them, period. Engagement is considered unnecessary, as the immediate, emotional reactions of students contain all the analysis and judgment that sensitive issues demand. As Judith Shulevitz wrote in the New York Times, these refusals can shut down discussion in genuinely contentious areas, such as when Oxford canceled an abortion debate. More often, they affect surprisingly minor matters, as when Hampshire College disinvited an Afrobeat band because their lineup had too many white people in it.

When feelings become more important than issues

At the very least, there’s debate to be had in these areas. Ideally, pro-choice students would be comfortable enough in the strength of their arguments to subject them to discussion, and a conversation about a band’s supposed cultural appropriation could take place alongside a performance. But these cancellations and disinvitations are framed in terms of feelings, not issues. The abortion debate was canceled because it would have imperiled the “welfare and safety of our students.” The Afrofunk band’s presence would not have been “safe and healthy.” No one can rebut feelings, and so the only thing left to do is shut down the things that cause distress — no argument, no discussion, just hit the mute button and pretend eliminating discomfort is the same as effecting actual change.

In a New York Magazine piece, Jonathan Chait described the chilling effect this type of discourse has upon classrooms. Chait’s piece generated seismic backlash, and while I disagree with much of his diagnosis, I have to admit he does a decent job of describing the symptoms. He cites an anonymous professor who says that “she and her fellow faculty members are terrified of facing accusations of triggering trauma.” Internet liberals pooh-poohed this comment, likening the professor to one of Tom Friedman’s imaginary cab drivers. But I’ve seen what’s being described here. I’ve lived it. It’s real, and it affects liberal, socially conscious teachers much more than conservative ones.

If we wish to remove this fear, and to adopt a politics that can lead to more substantial change, we need to adjust our discourse. Ideally, we can have a conversation that is conscious of the role of identity issues and confident of the ideas that emanate from the people who embody those identities. It would call out and criticize unfair, arbitrary, or otherwise stifling discursive boundaries, but avoid falling into pettiness or nihilism. It wouldn’t be moderate, necessarily, but it would be deliberate. It would require effort.

In the start of his piece, Chait hypothetically asks if “the offensiveness of an idea [can] be determined objectively, or only by recourse to the identity of the person taking offense.” Here, he’s getting at the concerns addressed by Reed and Reilly-Cooper, the worry that we’ve turned our analysis so completely inward that our judgment of a person’s speech hinges more upon their identity signifiers than on their ideas.

A sensible response to Chait’s question would be that this is a false binary, and that ideas can and should be judged both by the strength of their logic and by the cultural weight afforded to their speaker’s identity. Chait appears to believe only the former, and that’s kind of ridiculous. Of course someone’s social standing affects whether their ideas are considered offensive, or righteous, or even worth listening to. How can you think otherwise?

We destroy ourselves when identity becomes our sole focus

Feminists and anti-racists recognize that identity does matter. This is indisputable. If we subscribe to the belief that ideas can be judged within a vacuum, uninfluenced by the social weight of their proponents, we perpetuate a system in which arbitrary markers like race and gender influence the perceived correctness of ideas. We can’t overcome prejudice by pretending it doesn’t exist. Focusing on identity allows us to interrogate the process through which white males have their opinions taken at face value, while women, people of color, and non-normatively gendered people struggle to have their voices heard.

But we also destroy ourselves when identity becomes our sole focus. Consider a tweet I linked to (which has since been removed. See editor’s note below.), from a critic and artist, in which she writes: “When ppl go off on evo psych, its always some shady colonizer white man theory that ignores nonwhite human history. but ‘science’. Ok ... Most ‘scientific thought’ as u know it isnt that scientific but shaped by white patriarchal bias of ppl who claimed authority on it.”

This critic is intelligent. Her voice is important. She realizes, correctly, that evolutionary psychology is flawed, and that science has often been misused to legitimize racist and sexist beliefs. But why draw that out to questioning most “scientific thought”? Can’t we see how distancing that is to people who don’t already agree with us? And tactically, can’t we see how shortsighted it is to be skeptical of a respected manner of inquiry just because it’s associated with white males?

This sort of perspective is not confined to Twitter and the comments sections of liberal blogs. It was born in the more nihilistic corners of academic theory, and its manifestations on social media have severe real-world implications. In another instance, two female professors of library science publicly outed and shamed a male colleague they accused of being creepy at conferences, going so far as to openly celebrate the prospect of ruining his career. I don’t doubt that some men are creepy at conferences — they are. And for all I know, this guy might be an A-level creep. But part of the female professors’ shtick was the strong insistence that harassment victims should never be asked for proof, that an enunciation of an accusation is all it should ever take to secure a guilty verdict. The identity of the victims overrides the identity of the harasser, and that’s all the proof they need.

This is terrifying. No one will ever accept that. And if that becomes a salient part of liberal politics, liberals are going to suffer tremendous electoral defeat.

Debate and discussion would ideally temper this identity-based discourse, make it more usable and less scary to outsiders. Teachers and academics are the best candidates to foster this discussion, but most of us are too scared and economically disempowered to say anything. Right now, there’s nothing much to do other than sit on our hands and wait for the ascension of conservative political backlash — hop into the echo chamber, pile invective upon the next person or company who says something vaguely insensitive, insulate ourselves further and further from any concerns that might resonate outside of our own little corner of Twitter.

--

==

This has been going on for over a decade. The correct response is to mock and laugh at the people complaining, and point out that they're not ready for the big wide world outside their kindergarten mindset, so they'd be better off going back home to mommy and daddy. Not validate and endorse their feelings. We need to get back to that.

[cooloddball]

This is going to be a super long analysis of jib3 starting with the opening ceremony to the closing ceremony so brace yourselves. 

Please note I believe in the breakup theory so maybe my opinion in this one might be biased so please don’t come for me, lol.

I will put it under the cut to avoid overcrowding your dashes with cockles shenanigans. 

Also, watch out for profanities and mature language.

And so it begins...

Opening ceremony

The camera used to record the opening ceremony is shaky. 

Misha, Jason Manns, and Jarpad seem to be having a lot of fun together and Jensen is just looking at his besties talking to the man he loves and he knows he can’t have that so he just stands there looking at them. Poor guy.

Jarpad asks who took Misha’s riffle? Things are awkward, I honestly don’t know what’s going on.

Misha kisses a plushie while making eye contact with Jensen and Jensen is like “oh, oh, wow” while making eye contact with Misha. LOL. Jack help me. This is a lot!!!

Jensen takes a plushie from Sebastian and Jared takes the one Misha had.

Are you guys flirting about trying to see whether you can keep plushies alive?

Misha throws something at the fans, I think he was throwing treats from earlier or whatever it was and Jensen says “Misha is still throwing” I mean why?

Cockles Panel

Jensen is so extra in this panel.

First of all, when he and Misha come out (no pun intended) a song starts playing and he starts dancing. Jensen is usually so poised while dancing but he is over the top throwing his back and shaking his tush for the mish.  I think he was trying a little too hard. Misha spares his ex-boyfriend’s tush a glance smiles and looks away. LOL. The whole thing was cringey, tbh. It was so unlike Jensen.

When Sebastian touches Jensen’s shoulder and says something to Jensen, he [Jensen]  laughs way too hard. I would say he laughs abnormally-it’s loud and he throws his whole body into it like he’s trying to prove what Sebastian was funny and it probably wasn’t. He laughs so hard he ends up right on Misha’s side. and Misha laughs at that though.

Rich says something about something in the sac that hurts(It’s incoherent) and Jensen says it hurts right here pointing at his heart (I can’t hear what they are saying exactly so if anyone knows please let me know)

I don’t know if Mark P. was going to hug Jensen or not or he was pointing at something behind Jensen, but at that moment, Jensen sees Sebastian going to hug Misha and whips his head away from Mark P’s direction so fast he almost broke his neck.

Sebastian humps Misha (these two are so playful I love them) and Jensen is just there acting awkward 

There’s a comment by Rich about “It’s over, the convention’s over I’m no longer your bitch” I don’t know who this is about.

Now, now, now. This whole time Rich is doing a kissy mouth with his fingers on the monitor behind Jensen and Misha. His hand is right where Misha is standing (you’ll understand once you watch it) so Jensen makes a kissy face back and Misha is blushing? Ummm wtf is going on here?

Jensen also does something strange that he never does during cockles panels he pulls his seat away from Misha.

Misha makes a very weird comment about Sebastian’s libido drying up and they have a weird conversation about libido and Viagra ads. It’s weird.

It gets even more awkward Jensen talks about bringing a total stranger, and a blind date. And it goes downhill from there with them. The it wasn’t you it was me speech. It was special. So heartbreaking. It was clearly not about the show but about their relationship. I always have a difficult time getting through that part. It’s so awkward that the fans are just there wondering what the hell is going on.

They decide to take questions and the fan is all over the place so Misha interjects but Jensen won’t let Misha say what he wants to say so he says, “This is why you make it awkward. You never let people finish what they are saying.” Ouch. Domestic dispute vibes anyone?

The way Jensen is looking up at Misha when he’s answering that question. It’s like he wants to sear his face into his memory before they leave Rome.

Jensen is explaining to a fan how one of the four sound stages they had on set was full of furniture and Misha adds “and soiled mattresses”  I mean what was the reason? Did they soil the mattresses with their [redacted]

A fan mentions something about Dean and Cas so these two adorable dorks smile and share a look. Things are starting to look up. Thank Jack.

The fan says something again (I can’t make out what he’s saying) but it must be something nice because they look at each other with smiles on their faces again.

Jensen playing with the head of his microphone. Is it just me or did the temperature rise a notch higher?

The way they look at each other when the fan says to help him choose the hottest female cast member on the show 

Then something freaky happens they say the exact same thing as twins or bffs do sometimes. LOL.

When they start talking about the hot women with the fans Misha moves his entire body and now instead of looking at the fans, he is seated facing Jensen.  The tension is simmering down.

A point to note is that in all their panels they always sit angled facing each other as opposed to facing the crowd save for this panel and DCCON 2019. But for DCCON I can understand that they weren’t comfortable being meant to be a J/2 panel and a creation event. So you know some people in that crowd are super mean to Mish and others to Jensen, so they had to tread carefully. But I digress back to the chaos.

They ask who wants to have a cockles panel the next year and they both raise their hands. I thought that was sweet

 It’s adorable how Jensen keeps repeating everything Misha is saying.

Misha forgets himself and moves too close to Jensen to listen to the song on the phone. Jensen turns to look at Misha, I don’t know what that look is but Misha backs away laughing.

Jensen’s face journey while listening to that song is gold.

Misha moves closer to listen to the song.  I have to say the way they are standing is not usually how two bros listening to music usually stand. If you know what I mean

 Misha agrees that’s definitely Jensen singing. Of course, he knows because Mr. “Jensen sings to me all the time”

He looks so proud of him.  I’d venture to say he’s happy to hear Jensen sing because he has always been so shy about that fact about himself. He even gives him a standing ovation. That’s so adorable. He loves him. My heart.

Jensen is so cute trying to deny it’s not him singing that song.  Yeah, it’s you, Jensen. Even your ex agrees it’s you and we bet he knows how your voice sounds in all kinds of situations ;)

we get a tingly feeling so we know it’s you. Jensen’s adorable smile when Misha says that. Aww.

The way they are not even looking at each other but they are seated the exact same way.

Allow me to explain to my friend here. Explains how his parents didn’t know whether he was a boy or a girl. Misha with the steel chair, “when did they figure out that you were a boy?”

How many years did they call you holly?

For six to seven years

Is it just me or is this conversation a flashback of teenage twink-lesbian Jensen years?

Fan asks whether Dean will ever forgive Cas. Watch Misha’s body language, he is trying to pacify himself by rubbing the back of his neck and fumbling with his shirt.

When Jensen says “ No!” without a moment’s hesitation, Misha looks distraught? I don’t know maybe I’m reading too much into this but I feel like this hit too close to home being that they were most likely broken up.

Misha however has a different opinion, “I think he has” 

Jensen says, “Wishful thinking” and that elicits a smile from Misha.

A fan asks about Dean giving Cas the trenchcoat back and things get interesting.  Weirdly, that Jensen can’t say the word gay out loud. He literally uses the word “unmanly” in its stead in the guise of censorship? It’s not a bad word Jensen you can say it. However, Misha and the fans say the word so I’m wondering who is censoring Jensen’s use of that word. He eventually says it but super fast.

Jensen says that saying “I always knew you would come back” is not something he would say to another human being, especially a man. Jesus, there’s nothing wrong with saying that to another human being you care about. He’s the one making it gay. He was extra when answering that one.

They spent one and half hours making that scene just to end up not saying anything and it ended up looking gay anyway. Anyway, that’s interesting.

 Jensen angles his body towards Mish and says in a very low soft and sexy voice “I guess I really hoped that you would come back some day” I would venture to say that Jensen at the moment in the panel was actually saying them to Misha. Who knows though?

They talk about it a whole lot for something that bothered him that much. 

Misha being so excited about recreating a scene when a fan told Jarpad he’s amazing and Jarpad said "you are welcome. 

 “I think I understand what she wants. I’m not sure what she’s gonna get.” This is a very good line Misha. I will be using it often.

The way they awkwardly stand too close and whisper to each other. Umm…what is going on here?

Jensen folds over laughing because of something Misha says. They are back. The tension is almost 90% gone now and they are in their element.

The chaos of recording the alarm ringtone for the fan was just great to watch. They kept getting closer and closer and I think they might have shared spit at that point. Gross….LOL

The way Misha is sitting is he you know.

Jensen asking Misha whether he was saying anything or just screaming while they were recording. I think he just wanted to see Misha smile.

Jensen’s joy when a fan mentions that they have Misha’s résumé.

Jensen saying the word shit made my day. I curse a  lot and it made me feel validated somehow.

Misha calls him dickhead in return and Jensen stops functioning and laughs instead . He also gets all hot and bothered trying to fumble with the lapel of his shirt.  He does this a lot when he is turned on. He has a humiliation kink I think.

They start talking over each other about Misha’s special skills. Looks like Jensen might have known beforehand because he went straight for that. Or maybe he didn’t know but he knew since Misha is a mad genius there must be some amazing things in there. Either way, it was a good moment.

OMG Jensen is so excited and the way he motions to Misha to bring that résumé to him, LOL. This man was thirsty AF.

He even goes down from the stage to meet Misha and invades his personal space trying to reach the résumé. I think this is the moment the tension between them dissipated completely and they were back to some form of normalcy.

Misha holding Jensen’s shoulder trying to get his résumé back. Unsucessfully, I should add.

They read something funny and they fold over laughing and spin around like overjoyed seals. It is far removed from the mollusk family but at least it’s still a sea creature (I don’t know what I’m saying please don’t mind me)

Jensen is still on his knees laughing and can’t get up. As I said, he is being too extra in this panel.

 Misha is trying to talk but they both can’t stop laughing. I think Jensen laughed so hard he got an extra set of abs that day.

Jensen is still laughing and you know what he is laughing at? Misha’s special skills being acting on camera. I mean it’s funny but man, prayforjensen.

 They are still laughing. Jack, help them.

The way Jensen looks at Misha with pure adoration here makes me so happy and reminds me of the fictional characters they played being all heart eyes for each other.

 Misha laughed so hard he cried.

Jensen trying to read the next ‘special skill’ Misha has but he can’t even talk because of how funny he thinks it is. He’s trying so hard not to laugh but he can’t help himself.

Jensen agreeing and also asking the audience to agree that Misha has a knack for certain accents. Accent kink anyone?

 Jensen is so excited when Misha starts Tibetan throating singing and does the unicorn laugh facing away from the crowd. Bet he has experienced Misha’s Tibetan throat singing skills on a personal when they are (loud overhead helicopter noises followed by thunder rumbling)

Jensen falling to the ground after feigning a heart attack once he saw that Misha is a certified EMT. I mentioned before that I honestly, 100% think he wanted mouth to mouth. There’s no other explanation. He could’ve feigned a nose bleed or just about any other illness but he chose to fall on a dirty floor and lay down so Misha could either give him the breath of life or straddle him. Luckily for him his dream came true 7 years later at Jib9 when straddle gate happened. But I digress

Too bad Misha was still mad at him and heartbroken so he kicked him instead.

Jensen knowing that Misha kayaks seems to be part of his personal knowledge. Maybe they did it together sometimes.

Horseback riding. Hmm is it just me or do they seem awkward here?

 Misha is so close to Jensen’s armpits. Must be missing his man’s musk and being held in those muscular arms again. Poor baby.

Misha can’t talk because of how funny he finds bicycle touring. I mean…I don’t see what’s funny but I guess he knows why it’s funny.

Misha laughing and raises his legs because Jensen is elaborating on the bicycle touring. Maybe it’s an inside joke or maybe it’s no longer funny to me because I’ve watched this panel like 5 times.

 I think Jensen’s goal was to see Misha laugh and be happy because he turned to look at Misha who was still laughing hard and the joy on Jensen’s face. Aww.

Misha gravitating towards his man again. He must smell really nice Misha. And those arms. Bet he used to lift you against the wall and (this fucking thunder won’t stop rambling. Are chuck and Amara fighting again?)

Jensen marketing his man’s carpentry skills but then makes sure to make it ‘no homo’ by saying he would never sit on anything Misha has built. Sure Jan. Then he circles back and says that he knows that he can build things.

Misha walks away from him and he looks up to make sure where he is going. Maybe he was afraid Misha was walking out on him. (PTSD from their breakup?)

They mention acting on camera again.

And laugh 

Jensen keeps talking about the acting on camera and watches to see if Misha is still laughing  He still is and Jensen is happy that his baby is happy. He looks at him again and he is still happy that Misha is still happy. Then once the laughter dies down he starts talking about bicycle touring  and checks again to see if Misha is laughing which he is so Jensen throws his head back  unicorn laughing and then looks at Misha again to see that he’s still laughing. Then they look at each other and say something maybe it’s about that was a good laugh. Jensen is wiping tears from his eyes because of how hard he laughed  Misha does the same. That entire thing was insane and they seemed to love it.

 Jensen starts saying that being this happy or goofing around is how they are on set sometimes and have to take a 5-10 minute break and Misha doesn’t seem too happy at the mention of the set. 

Jensen knowing that you can buy résumés on eBay. Did he buy Misha’s and then plant someone in the audience to bring it up or? Okay, yeah I know I’m reaching here but it’s probable.

 I guess my theory wasn’t farfetched because Jensen says that he’s pretty sure that Jarpad put it on eBay the previous night so maybe he is the one who did all that to win Misha back?

Jensen knows the appellation clogging is a stretch. Seems like Misha has told him about it before.

Jensen looking at his watch to see if they have time for  Misha to be telling a story about his high school sweetheart and now wife. I bet he wishes Misha could tell their love story so openly. He can’t stop looking at Misha.

The way Jensen is looking at Misha here. WTF man? He’s literally confused about what the question is.

The personal space question. This whole thing was just so many things. It was awkward, cringey, thirsty, funny.

when the fan asks whether there’s a funny fact between Jensen and Misha. I almost fainted. What? And Jensen repeats it. The two men are so stoic. They are not even looking at each other. They are looking at the fan like the way a statue stares at you, unmoving. Cringe.

The room is so quiet. Poor girl, I hope she didn’t feel awkward afterwards because if it were me, I would’ve cried from how stoic they looked and how quiet everyone was.

How they both scratch themselves, Misha on the head and Jensen on the nose. Maybe the question hit too close to home

Jensen turns to look at Misha as if to say ’help me out here man. We don’t wanna disappoint our fans.”

Misha gets it because he gets up. This whole thing is gold.

The way Jensen breathes out in anticipation. I know it was like they were playing a skit about personal space but why was he breathing like that? Shouldn’t he have been playing it as ‘uncomfortable’ not ‘turned on.’ Boudoir mannerisms.

Moving on Misha is unsure on where to touch Jensen 40.31. This is weird in and of itself because usually, they don’t have a problem touching each other’s faces, tush, eggplants, (jib4 anyone), backs et cetera. But now it’s weird? *cough* breakup *cough*

Misha touches Jensen’s ear and Jensen literally moans. He frigging moans people. In case it is not clear in the video, here is an isolated audio version of it. Jensen is also fumbling with his shirt like he’s all hot and bothered. Just like Misha did earlier. Was Jib3 their couple’s therapy that reminded them how happy and horny they made each other?

Jensen is really not answering the question, to be honest. He’s fumbling for words and trying so very hard to make sense but his word are  incoherent.

Misha going in for the nose dip. I know friends do this all the time but you have to be very close and familiar with someone such as a friend friend or a sibling for you to poke a finger in their nose. I mean noses are slimy and eww…anyway. That happened. They seem so comfortable with it. Jensen I love you but please stop talking.

The way Jensen looks at Misha. He has the cutest smile on his face as if saying thank you for making that fun and making me horny, I still want you.

Misha wiping his pinky that touched Jensen’s nose on his pants. (I wanted to add something disgusting about what heshould’ve done with that pinky but I won’t so let’s move on)

Jensen wiggling his nose.

When Misha suggests that Spn moves to Nickolodeon. Jensen laughs a bit too hard.

Misha talking about spn being a puppet show reminds me of how he mentioned them having a puppet show in Jensen’s backyard after the show is over.

Jensen also saying that in a way spn is a puppet show. I mean is someone making snide comments about how their strings get pulled and sometimes they are not happy about it. Like how they fired his boyfriend. It seems like it’s an inside joke.

They named the plushie Zippy aww :))

For jack’s sake guys, the way they look at each other when they mention that the  résumé was the highlight of the panel.

Jensen saying the more dirt you dig up on Misha, the more rewarded you are. Aww, someone’s trying to win his man back by any means necessary. You go girl…I mean Jensen.

He talks more about how he’s looking forward to next year when fans have more dirt on his friend Misha. Jensen didn’t want to leave the stage, he was lingering so he could spend more time with Misha.

It’s over guys.

Closing Ceremony

I know you didn’t ask for the closing ceremony but here you go. It’s a free gift.

Can I just mention how Jarpad is an overactive puppy? He has to play with anything and everything he finds.

The mc announces Misha twice for some reason. The second time Jensen looks in Misha’s direction with a small smile on his face. He [Jensen] is also chewing vigorously.

Jensen and Jarpad being typical dude bros and karate chop Rich. This is why the difference between his relationship with Jarpad and Misha stands out. He would be too busy making heart eyes to Misha to kick another guy. LoL.

Jensen hulking out when Jarpad is taking a video of everyone. Lol. This video keeps reiterating my point that his relationship with the two men is just different.

Jensen keeps looking in Misha’s direction, Misha who is busy talking to Steve and having fun. Let me also mention Steve is Jensen’s bestie and so are Jarpad and Misha, but I’m sure that Jensen felt some type of way, jealous when they were having so much fun with his man and he couldn’t. Jarpad also takes a while filming Misha for Jensen of course. They remind me of me having a crush back when I was in school. Wait, did Misha look at Jensen? It’s hard to see because the angle of the video is not expansive but I guess he was.

As soon as Jarpad gets back, Jensen takes the camera from him and starts filming fans. I’m sure he just wanted Misha to look at him

Rich mention’s Misha and something about acting on camera and Jensen licks his lips looking at Misha (I think).

Jensen then vigorously grabs the microphone from someone immediately and mention’s Misha. Jarpad’s reaction at that moment tells you everything you need to know about what’s going on between Jensen and Misha. It looks like he is pleading with Jensen in his head saying, “Don’t embarrass yourself bro. Please don’t” but it’s too late.

Jensen again talks about Misha’s résumé and specifically about acting on camera, the thing that made Misha laugh out loud during their panel. Someone’s smitten. Defending his ex-man.

Jarpad goes to whisper something to Misha. And they laugh while Jensen is thanking the jib staff for doing an amazing job. But when he sees the duo laughing, he loses track of thought and says “and they are all getting married”  dude what ??? How do you go from thanking people who worked on the convention and in .1 seconds you are talking about they are all getting married? Who is? Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? No one gets it, he says he’s kidding and gives Jarpad the microphone, spares a glance at Misha and he seems distraught from that moment on. I wish I could see Misha’s face through all this.

He’s glancing in Misha’s direction again. Man’s got it bad. What?! Oh to be loved by Jensen Ackles. Misha must be a prize, I know he is a mad genius and gorgeous and sexy as hell with that golden skin that looks like it was dipped in gold and honey, big blue eyes that are bluer than the bluest blue, but Jensen wtf man? You are in public.

 I think Jarpad is telling Jensen something maybe it has to do with what he and Misha were talking about earlier?

And it’s over people.

Overall, I agree with the breakup theory. I mean the way these two were acting around each other was very strange. If you watch Misha and Jarpad, they seem okay from the opening ceremony up till the end but Jensen and Misha are just being weird.

The panel was mostly fun but their body language told a story that something was definitely going on between them. 

@littlewolf2703

[another-cancer]

Chapter Eight: What's a period?

First Previous Next

Masterlist ao3 

Summary:

Trouble is brewing back at the order as Marinette learns some awkward information in Gotham.

Notes:

Back from hiatus!

Welcome back friends, with a revised outline I can finally confirm the story to be sixteen chapters! This story has grown a lot from the original Maribat march outline that started it all. Thanks for joining me as we continue this journey.

Updates will be back to the regularly scheduled Tuesdays.

This can also be found on AO3 @another_cancer and Wattpad @another_cAnCeR

Enjoy!

///

Stealing was almost second nature to Marinette. After leaving the order, burglary became her way to survive. With her skill set, it was easy. After all, all, once you kill people to survive there isn’t much that is considered challenging within the realm of crime. It was an outlet for the violent side she developed with the order. One that didn’t cause any real harm. She stole from the rich. They weren’t missing any of it anyway, and half the time that didn’t even notice.

She typically pawned the items off to the strangest people and never to the same one. While she may be dead as Ladybug, Marinette has contacts all over the world. Under false names of course. She was extremely paranoid. The girl could rival Batman in paranoia.

On one particular heist, she had a run-in with another thief. However, she wasn’t quite concerned about her surprise partner when Catwoman was standing in front of her.

“Hello,” Catwoman said with curiosity.

Marinette just stared.

“Quiet, huh, well either way that bag looks pretty full, hope you won’t mind if I take from this place too.”

Catwomen took jewels, that was a lot more noticeable than the stuff Marinette took. It would leave a trail. A trail Marinette didn’t need to be connected to her.

“Please don’t take anything noticeable,” Marinette mumbled.

“What was that kitten?”

She repeated slightly louder, “Please don’t take anything noticeable.”

“But what would be the point of stealing unless to piss off the rich people who live here?” Catwoman asked with a grin, “Unless you’re taking for your own personal gain.”

Mental note: Catwoman didn’t like people stealing for their own gain. Marinette wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

“I have kids relying on me, I can’t let this shit trace back to me,” Marinette carefully explained.

Catwoman examined Marinette. Truly taking the girl in by slowly scanning her body. She noticed the slightly raggy clothing she wore. Marinette didn’t wear a mask which made her look like a bit of an amateur to Catwoman. However, when the woman arrived at the house earlier no alarms had been triggered suggesting the girl did a good job sneaking into the house. It was risky, the girl clearly wasn’t new to this.

“You live on the streets,” Catwoman said.

It wasn’t a question, just a simple statement.

She continued, “You’ve stolen before. And you aren’t native to Gotham.”

All statements.

“Correct,” Marinette simply offered in return.

“Fine, let's get out of here and you can explain more to me,” Catwoman said as she headed the way she entered.

Marinette followed. She wasn’t quite sure why, but it felt like the right thing to do. On the other hand, Marinette was confused by the fact the notorious thief ended up taking nothing, had the woman really been so easily convinced by her.

///

B a c k i n T i b e t

“Masters,” a teenager greeted as they were welcomed into the elders' chamber.

“[REDACTED] you have been called upon by the gods, we hope you will accept the honor and visit them. They will give you a mission that you shall complete.”

Once again the unspoken words being: if you don’t do it you die.

“Thank you, I will visit them immediately.”

No one was ever called upon by the gods. At least no one is normal. In [REDACTED]’s lifetime, they could only remember one person who ever got the chance to meet them. Ladybug. And now Ladybug is dead. [REDACTED] assumed they were becoming the new golden child. Oh, how wrong could they ever be.

///

B a c k to G o t h a m

They were in a warehouse, mostly abandoned. It would be a good place to kill someone. But Catwoman wasn’t going to kill her and Marinette gave up that lifestyle a long time ago. In conclusion, no one was going to be killed, but Marinette’s paranoid brain kept reminding her this would be a good place to kill someone.

“How long have you been stealing?” Catwoman asked seemingly out of nowhere.

Against her better judgment, Marinette replied, “When I was nine.”

“You’re a runaway.”

“Technically an orphan, but runaway also works.”

“You're not even from around here, god the whole system is broken if kids not from Gotham are running away to Gotham,” Catwoman muttered.

“I’m not a kid,” Marinette corrected.

“You look ten, you’re a kid, who is looking after other kids, god that makes it so much worse.”

“I’m sixteen,” Marinette lied, she wasn’t going to give the woman her actual age.

“I wasn’t born yesterday, you’ve barely hit puberty, kid have you even gotten your period yet?”

“My what?”

Shit. She did not mean to ask that out loud.

Catwoman didn’t expect that. Fuck how was she supposed to explain puberty and periods to this girl?

She decided bluntly, “It’s when you bleed from your vagina.”

“That’s natural? I thought-”

It had never been explained to Marinette in the past. She thought something was wrong with her, but then it stopped. It had only happened twice so far, and the bleeding was always fairly light.

“Kid I think it’s time you had a talk.”

Catwoman gave a basic rundown on periods and puberty, she even pulled out some pads and tampons she had stored in the warehouse. By the end, Marinette had a bag filled with period products and a new talk to give some of the street kids.

“I never caught your name,” Catwoman said.

What the hell she had already told the vigilantes mine as well tell the rogues too. It’s not like they would be able to find anything on someone who doesn’t exist.

“Marinette.”

“You’re a good thief Marinette,” she complimented.

“Thank you.”

“I’ve been considering taking in an apprentice lately, you know, try and imitate the bat a bit. And you're the girl who keeps picking fights with Scarecrow right?”

How the hell did she know that. Never mind, it didn’t matter, Marinette had to turn down the offer anyway. She worked alone and wasn’t interested in being a sidekick.

“I won’t be your sidekick, I have things of my own to worry about.”

“Aw too bad, I was really hoping you’d say yes, show that Bat he’s not the only one who can have a bunch of kids following him around, but I get it you gotta keep yourself safe and those kids you said you look after. Good luck!”

And with that, she was sent on her way. What a strange day.

///

B a c k i n T i b e t a g a i n

“Tikki, are you sure about this?” Trixx asked.

“I am sure,” they replied, hushing the other god, “Lila Rossi please approach.”

The teenager kneeled.

“Lila Rossi, you have been called in front of the god due to your mastering of illusions. My chosen Ladybug has managed to gain balance in her soul. Ladybug now holds destruction that rivals creation. You will retrieve her from Gotham City and return with her alive. Do what it takes as long as she lives.”

Lila was stunned.

“But Ladybug is dead.”

“You humans are fools, she never died, I allowed her to roam without informing anyone to see if any of you incompetent fools would notice. However, she has gotten too powerful recently,” Tikki explained.

“I understand,” she stuttered.

Trixx moved to the front of the room, “From this day on you will leave behind the name Lila, and you will become Volpina.”

There was a bright light and then darkness. Volpina was outside the chamber.

“Lila,” an elder started.

“Volpina.”

There was an understanding, the elders bowed down to her, and Volpina’s mission started.

///

“I really don’t like this sugar cube.”

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion on my chosen, Plagg,” Tikki sniped back.

///

Notes:

Next week: Marinette has a couple of stalkers and a backstory that goes further back than she remembers.

[prideandprejudice05]

Hi anon! I hope you don’t mind but I am answering your ask here instead of as an actual ask bc I would like to redact my real name! I’ll explain a little more as to why :)

TL;DR Yes I am she from wehaveabucky :) I’m glad you found me! I’m doing much better than a few years ago when I was on that blog which is always good! I’m no longer really an active part of the mcu fandom as I don’t hold as much enjoyment for it anymore however I am writing and making gifs for Star Wars over on my sw side blog @spotchka and do occasionally reblog marvel stuff here :) as for why I no longer use my real name on tumblr, it is for my own protection. I now go by ‘plum’ (an old cheesy nickname) and would like to ask anyone who knew me from my old blogs to not refer to me by my real name on the internet!

If you would like the full story… tw that this story contains mentions of anxiety, depression, stalking, suicidal thoughts and actions and paranoia so I will be putting it under the cut

I’m sharing this now because I would like to encourage young people to STAY SAFE on the internet. I know this is an extreme story but please be really cautious with what information you share where and how accessible you are to strangers!

I deleted wehaveabucky some time before the summer of 2019 (I can’t remember when exactly because I have the worst memory for anything pre summer of 2019 ajsjjskkaksksdjs) bc I was in a very dark mental place and struggling with university

unfortunately, I was never too safe with my identity on tumblr and even linked my Instagram on that blog. furthermore on wehaveabucky, I was rightly and frequently very vocal with my political and personal opinions. unfortunately, some troll would harass me on tumblr daily, sending me messages and making new accounts to tell me I was a liberal whore and a slut and anything else you could think of. I got unsolicited dick pics from this person. They would tell me they wanted to kill me and wanted r*pe me. when I deleted tumblr, this moved to Instagram.

In the summer of 2019 i was travelling around Asia and the harassment ramped up to an unbearable point. This person, whom I would block repeatedly but would then just make new accounts to harass me from, commented on every photo sexual or violent things about me. I didn’t make my Instagram private bc I enjoyed sharing photos of my travels and I realise now this was a mistake. By the end of summer I was going insane. I was paranoid and anxious. I hadn’t told anyone about this guy because I was scared and didn’t know if I was overreacting, but the comments would only become more frequent and more graphic. I emailed Instagram at the time and got a automated response telling me how to block someone.

Eventually I went private.

Unfortunately this didn’t stop them.

After I privated my Instagram account, multiple accounts popped up requesting to follow me. When I went to them, they were accounts of my photos and me but with graphically violent or sexual edits and captions.

That night I had the biggest panic attack of my life and was so exhausted, depressed and overwhelmed by the situation that I tried to take my life.

Luckily I was staying with my parents at the time as they live in Hong Kong and they managed to talk me off the ledge and I deleted my Instagram account.

Even though I was now off the internet, my anxiety only worsened. I feared that this stalker already knew too much about me and would not restrict himself to the internet realm and I would eventually encounter him in real life. I grew so paranoid that I convinced myself he had learned information about me because he was actually one of my friends and because of that I lost friendships. I accused people in a panic without thinking and then isolated myself with no friends around me.

I moved back to England for my final year of university. My anxiety and depression had got so bad and I was hurting myself frequently.

This is when I started a job in a hotel working breakfast shifts. (It was a horrible job and I hated every minute of it but that’s besides the point.) After working there for two weeks, the Chef decided to ‘initiate’ me into the staff by pulling a prank. The oven in the kitchen sounded like a phone that rang and rang till you opened the door. At the time I didn’t know this.

In the middle of service, chef called me over and told me someone was on the phone for me. I instantly started to panic. I hadn’t told any family member or friend I had gotten this job and even though I tried to tell myself it was maybe just the manager calling from upstairs, I also feared it was my stalker. When I picked up the phone and there was no one there, I was convinced it was him and burst into tears. The chef was very kind and apologised and explained the situation but I unfortunately still had a massive panic attack and hid in the bathroom for twenty minutes.

Luckily at this point, I realised I was spiralling into a dangerous place. I decided to reach out to my GP who prescribed me medication and reached out to the mental health services at my uni and was able to get 6 weeks of talking therapy, which gave me the confidence to book in with a regular therapist.

I have been very fortunate to have never heard from this person again.

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in the last few years and my progress has been hindered thanks to rona, but I can honestly say I am in a better and more well-equipped place than I was then and even before :)

Im really sorry I derailed what was a very positive ask and made it a very heavy story! I just wanted to take the opportunity to share and hopefully encourage people to be more aware of cyber safety!!

[moon-in-daylight]

Stay the night / Count Orlo x reader

Summary: It’s the evening before Catherine’s birthday, and knowing what her plans for the special day are, you have to decide whether if you warn Orlo or not.

Words: 2.2k

A/N: So remember over a month ago when I said I wanted to write Orlo fluff? Well, I wasn’t able to write it until recently. I didn’t edit this and I’m posting it at 2 am so forgive any typos that you may find. I’m just really impatient once I finish writing something and I really can’t wait to share it 😂 Also, thanks to the anon that sent this because it practically gave me the whole idea for this fic. Sorry for the delay 😅

Orlo’s mellow voice echoed through the empty room as he read aloud for the both of you. Written words came out of his tongue naturally, as if he was the one choosing what to say instead of just reading the thoughts of another person. He had that gift of making the most boring writings sound like poetry when he read them for you. You were sure that even the dullest treaties he had to redact for Peter would sound delightfully sweet, if he was the one reading them.

The loving tone he used when he knew you were listening, the dedication he put into every sentence, reciting every word with a passion you had rarely seen in any other man at court… As you leant your head on his shoulder, you wished you could enjoy the soothing sound of his voice just like you used to do every night. But, much to your disgrace, this wasn’t just any other night.

Maybe it was for Orlo. As far as you could tell, he was oblivious to all the chaos going through your mind. And you wished you could be as well as you tried to focus on the way he took and released the air around you as he spoke.

He didn’t have the slightest clue, but tomorrow would be a decisive day for the two of you. Not only for the two of you. The whole of Russia could be marked forever by the events that were to come. Tomorrow was Catherine’s birthday, and as one of her most loyal confidantes, you had been chosen to carry the burden of knowing what her plans for the day were.

You had thought that she was joking at first when she told you that she was pregnant, and you even laughed when she let you know that all she wanted as a birthday gift was her husband’s head on a silver plate. But you froze when you realized she was being as serious as ever since she had arrived that godforsaken excuse of a court. She was determined to take the step, to finally kill Peter and take his place the next morning. Seeing the passionate way she spoke of the events that were to come, you knew nothing could have make her change her mind.

It wasn’t that you weren’t glad that Peter was about to get what he deserved. You hated him with every fiber of your being and you couldn’t wait for the moment that he paid for everything he had done to your country, that was why you had chosen to take part in her coup and drag Orlo into it as well. But as the moment of taking the final step approached, you couldn’t help but torture yourself with all the horrible outcomes your plans could bring.

If the coup failed, a quick public execution would be the most desirable destiny for you. Your body trembled when you thought about the physical tortures and punishments you would be subjected to if Peter identified you as one of the plotters. But that worry you felt for your well being didn’t even compare to what you felt when you thought of what losing Orlo would be like.

Orlo had been your friend for years, and now that your relationship was finally developing into something more, you couldn’t bare the thought of losing him. For years you had been meeting in the library at the most remote times of the day, sharing his company and a decent book in the dim light of candles being all you needed to clear your mind of the idiots you had to deal with at court. He had been the most important person to you ever since you had arrived that awful place, the only person that had showed to you some real, uninterested kindness.

You hadn’t been able to avoid developing deeper feelings for him almost immediately, but thinking that he wasn’t interested in you, you had kept them a secret for years, hoping that way you wouldn’t lose your closest friend. You had felt utterly stupid when, after coming back from his unfortunate trip to the front, he had decided to tell you what he truly felt for you in an act of alcohol-induced bravery.

Only a few weeks had gone by since you had gotten together, and honestly not much had changed in your relationship. You still did the same things you had always done. You talked for hours on end, share any and every interesting book or quote you read with each other, go for a walk through the palace gardens… The only difference was that you no longer had to hold yourself back when you felt like grabbing his hand or giving him a little peck on the lips.

It felt as if you had been wasting your time all those years, and you weren’t ready for what you both had to be over. Catherine’s birthday could mean the end of everything you actually enjoyed about that place, because even if you succeeded in getting Peter out of the throne, there was still a high risk that either you or Orlo had to sacrifice your lives for the cause.

You hadn’t mind dying back when you had first joined the coup. Back then, you didn’t have anything to hold on to and you wouldn’t have mind to give your life for a greater good. Now that you had Orlo by your side, you were scared of losing the one good thing that you had.

For the first time since you could remember, you were terrified.

His voice seemed to be drifting away from you as you felt a sharp pain inside your chest. It wasn’t fair. You would never forgive yourself if something did happen to Orlo the next day. You would always remember that you had been to one to drag him into that situation.

“Orlo…” You called his name in a low tone, immediately gaining his attention as he looked away from the book and right back at you.

You wanted to apologize to him. To tell him just how terrified you were and ask him to run away with you far away from that palace, move to another country if needed. You had more than a bad premonition about the following day, and your heart pounded in your chest as you struggled not to share those anxious thoughts with him.

This could be the last night that you got to spend by his side. He seemed so blissful there, reading to you. So calmed and unaware of the horrible thoughts that clouded your head… You couldn’t tell him, you couldn’t make him carry that burden too. Orlo deserved every second of happiness he could get, and you wouldn’t have been able to be the one bringing him bad news. He’d know about Catherine’s plans when he strictly had to, not a second earlier.

“Am I boring you?” He innocently asked as he put the book on his lap, trying to disguise his true fear of being boring with a kind smile and an amusing intonation in that question. He had slowly learned to become comfortable around you, vulnerable. But sometimes you could still see glimpses of old shy, nervous Orlo when his insecurities hunted him.

“Of course not.” The reassurance you gave him seemed to bring him back to that previous state of peace he had been enjoying during that whole evening. “I could never get bored of you.”

He didn’t need to give you an actual answer for you to notice his disbelief of your words. A simple, practically unnoticeable blush of his cheeks and the way his eyes immediately avoided looking directly at you were enough for you to notice the incredulity he still demonstrated at the thought of someone being able to love him.

“I hope you know I mean it.” You added, reaching his cheek with one of your hands and caressing it softly as you removed the book that still laid on his lap so you were the one resting above him instead.

Grabbing his chin carefully, you guided his stare so that it would meet yours, his chocolate brown eyes reflecting some of the dim light of the room. He had removed his characteristic glasses recently, and you weren’t quite accustomed to see him so… Naked yet. The absence of them allowed you to look into his eyes with no barrier in between, and though you had to admit you kind of missed that accessory of him, there was no comparison to what getting lost in his uncovered eyes felt like. You could get lost on them for hours.

Observing the way he stared back at you in deep affection and devotion, you even forgot about everything else going on for a second. For just that one moment, you could pretend everything was okay.

“Remember when we met?” Your fingers traced the outline of his jaw as you recalled the first time you had seen him.

“I got scared when I heard the door because no one else but me used to spend time here.” He evoked his memories of that first day too. “You were surprised when you saw me too. You were crying and you had run in here hoping you could be alone.”

“The Ladies here can be really mean.” You smiled at him as you remembered how you were affected by the comments of other people when you first arrived the palace. It had been long since you last cared about those things. Truth was you had stopped caring about the Ladies’ opinions once you had started to prefer Orlo’s nicer ones instead.

“I tried to comfort you.” Orlo kept relating the events of that day as he let his hands rest on either side of your waist, embracing you softly. “I didn’t know what to do, I felt so bad that you were suffering so pointlessly… I read some Descartes to you, because it always helps me to see things with perspective…”

“Conquer yourself rather than the world.” You recited one of the quotes Orlo had read to you, the one that had been printed in your mind since that day.

“I’m sure I bored you more than I helped you relax.”

“That’s not true.” You intervened again, refusing to let him indulge in his own negative perception of himself. “You helped me a lot. You didn’t have to, but you stayed with me until I felt better. No one else would have done that.”

When he looked away from you in embarrassment, you decided to draw his attention back at you by kissing him on the lips. He should have been accustomed by now, but he still froze for a few seconds every time you kissed him unexpectedly. Far from being bothered by it, you felt touched whenever you got that reaction from him, and you delighted yourself when you finally felt him moving his lips against yours one the initial shock was over.

It was those little things that had made you fall so deep for Orlo. Those were the things you were most afraid of losing. Thinking about the fact that it could be the last time you kissed him, you deepened the kiss as your fingers started to play with the few locks of hair that fell messily around his head.

“I love you, Orlo.” You whispered softly, quickly hiding your head in his chest. “Please, don’t ever forget that.”

It was inevitable that the tears started forming in your eyes, and you couldn’t hold them back anymore when Orlo surrounded your body with his arms. Bringing you even closer to him as he repeatedly kissed the top of your head.

“I love you too.” He muttered, the feeling of guilt while seeing you cry overcoming every shyness he could still have left. “I… I’m sorry if it sounded as if I don’t. You’re the most important thing to me and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you. I’m really sorry… Please, don’t cry…”

“It’s not your fault.” You quickly assured him, once again refusing to let him self-flagellate. “It’s okay.”

“What is wrong?” Orlo asked, trying to clean the tears that already felt down your cheeks as you silently calmed yourself. If you died tomorrow, you didn’t want that you crying was the last memory he kept of you.

“Nothing is, I promise.”

You knew you hadn’t sounded confident enough for him to believe you, but you weren’t able to tell him what was really going on. All you wanted was to enjoy that night with him and stretch it as long as you could in fears it was actually going to be your last. Cuddled against his chest, you wished for him not to ask anymore questions, fearing that you wouldn’t be able to keep the secret from him much longer.

His hands kept moving up and down your back as you tried to calmed yourself down.

“Is there anything I can do?” Orlo worriedly asked, still trying to help despite not knowing what the situation was. You had always admired that of him, his predisposition to help even when he didn’t know how.

Focusing on the calming rhythm of his breathing, you tried to find the right words to express what you needed without ruining this evening for him.

“Would you stay the night with me?”

“Of course. Anything you need.” He agreed, wrapping you tighter with his arms.

Accommodating yourself inside his embrace, you wished for a way to be able to stop time in that precise moment.

[c0rpsedemon]

i am curious, as someone who’s only exposure to arthurania was reading jane yolen’s young merlin as a child, would you mind saying why hnoc is a bad adaptation? i’m super curious but no worries if not <3

this has been sitting in my inbox for months bc i kept telling myself i needed to write a full essay with proof from medieval lit to make myself feel smarter.  however, since i’ve recently lost all credibility bc i can’t articulate points to save my life, and since i’ve realized that i could answer this in a just a couple paragraphs, now seems like the right time to answer this ask. sorry for the wait.

under a cut bc length

also warnings for mentions of racism bc this is hnoc we're talking abt and sexual assault bc this is med lit we're also talking abt

the basic problems are pendragon polycule itself, the story beats of the album, the fridging and lack of characterization of morgan le fay, the clear influence of pop culture arthuriana, and whatever the fuck happened with gawain/e.

pendragon polycule is... just not a good take.  there’s a bit in the lancelot-grail abt arthur viewing lancelot like a son (and lancelot not giving a shit abt him).  also arthur knew his parents for years before lancelot was even born.  plus lancelot just Doesn’t care abt him and i can’t stress this part enough.  arthur repeatedly tries to have guinnevere killed, mostly in the lancelot-grail, and guinn didn’t really have any say in marrying him bc she was a teenager.  lancelot and guinnevere is a lot better but that’s not saying much.  guinn doesn’t exactly treat lancelot too well... like at all, BUT it’s not intrinsic to their relationship and is completely caused by medieval misogyny and i’m all in favor of modern retellings saying fuck that.  but also lancelot has multiple pseudo-canon boyfriends (this is med lit after all), and one pseudo-canon husband so like... there were better options.  (also lancelot’s husband is basically in a lavender marriage with guinnevere’s maybe girlfriend who most authors just eventually forget abt as the story progresses).

this next one is a problem with a lot of modern arthurian works bc the inclusion of elayne of astolat is too much to ask apparently.  the grail quest isn’t tied to the fall of camelot, it just happens to be one of the last grand adventures the knights of the round table have.  the event that traditionally sets off the fall is the death of the maiden of astolat/the lady of shalott/elayne of escolat/she has a lot of names, her story has a few variations but usually she either is cursed to stay in a tower and weave and only be able to see the outside world through a mirror positioned across from her window, until lancelot rides by and she rushes to see him out of the actual window and her mirror shatters, setting off her death, or she lives with her father and brothers and takes care of lancelot bc he was injured for a time and she gets to go on adventures to find him and she’s friends with gawaine and she dies bc lancelot rejects her and this version’s a lot more fun but also more happens which makes it harder to explain.  the way her story ends however, is that she dies after she makes arrangements for a glorious boat to drift from astolat to camelot carrying nothing but her dead body and a letter explaining that she died of love for lancelot du lac and the court mourns the death of such a beautiful and young maiden (her age varies a lot but i’ve always read her as a young teenager at most).  but the important thing is, camelot is doomed from the moment she washes up on its shore bc she’s an omen of the end and has symbolic meaning and all that, the maiden of astolat washes up on camelot’s shores, the court mourns the loss of a maiden in her prime and she marks the end of camelot’s prime as well, morgan le fay reappears after being presumed dead and warns arthur of guinnevere and lancelot’s affair, aggravaine and modred conspire to bring lancelot and guinnevere’s affair to light, they succeed but lancelot escapes, guinnevere is to be burnt at the stake and lancelot rescues her, killing aggravaine, gaheris and gareth (gawaine’s brothers) in the process, gawaine drags his uncle and camelot to war bc he was driven mad due to the loss of his brothers, lancelot accidentally kills gawaine, his best friend and maybe boyfriend (i have RECEIPTS), and gawaine forgives him on his detahbed while lancelot and guinn rejoin arthur, meanwhile modred, who practically had the throne handed to him, usurps and invites the saxons in, camlann happens, and camelot is destroyed.  no where in there is the grail quest.

morgan le fay is honestly the most questionable part of the album bc there’s not a single text where she dies.  like....  at least with eurydice in udad she died in the original... there’s no basis for morgan dying.  also she is NOT modred’s mother and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar, she interacts with him once in the vulgate bc she had three of her nephews over and that’s IT.  it’s a horrible take which originated in the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley who is an honest to god monster for reasons i don’t want to trigger tag this post for.  also she’s one of the most dynamic and thought-out characters in the entire canon and they just made her a watered down morgause (modred’s actual mother, morgan’s sister, canonical milf)... there was no reason for it to be her apart from the fact that she’s more well known......

pop culture arthuriana is,,, one of my least favorite things.  no, morgan wasn’t modred’s mother, no, morgause wasn’t abusive but her husband sure was implied to be, no, aggravaine didn’t kill his mother, that was gaheris, he loved his mother, you’re only saying that bc he has a reputation as the “evil” orkney, no, the once and future king is not a good descriptor for arthur, stop making me read it, no, morgause wasn’t the one to initiate the thing with arthur resulting in modred, no, lancelot and arthur weren’t friends, no, tristan wasn’t a self-centered asshole, tennyson is a fucking liar, no, galahad didn’t have sex or want to, he’s one of the first ever explicitly asexual characters out there, no, galahad’s conception was NOT consensual, lancelot was tricked, and no, elayne of astolat wasn’t galahad’s mother, she’s implied to be younger than him.  those are just the big glaring ones, but i swear it’s bc of arthuriana’s reputation as a mythology and the connotations belonging to that word (no one true canon (which is true but there are still things that just AREN’T canon, not completely written down, passed by oral tradition) that causes ppl to see mediocre modern texts and go “oh. well this is abt as close to the original as i’m going to get” and don’t bother to look into so much as malory (who i only name bc he’s one of the most well known medieval authors with the most commonly used storylines, don’t read malory kids, he’s a mediocre-at-best writer even by medieval standards).  the big perpetrators of modern arthurian tropes are the books the once and future king by th wh*te, who is a shitty person and lets it bleed into his writing (which isn’t like... nice to read or anything, seriously why do ppl love this book so much it doesn’t have redeeming qualities), and the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley (it’s poorly written, the story is a mess, and mzb is honestly a monster and one google search will tell you that), and unfortunately the writings of tennyson, which are mostly good but he clearly didn’t read the povest (a later text that’s also my favorite, known for significantly improving ppl’s opinions on tristan, isolde and co.) before deciding he hated both tristan and isolde and he has HORRIBLE takes on them.  high noon over camelot is SEEPED in pop culture arthuriana and i think it would have been so much better if the band had read so much as a SUMMARY of the events of le morte.  it’s evident in the song “the once and future king” bc it’s,,,, literally named after one of the worst books in existence.  it’s shown in the morgan le fay thing, and it’s shown in the pendragon polycule thing.  and hell, i think you can even explain away the lack of elayne of astolat with pop culture arthuriana, bc ppl have had bad takes on her ever since th wh*te combined her character with that of ela*ne of corbenic, and the band probably went “huh, let’s write lancelot’s abuser out of this” and they would’ve been right to do so if that’s who elayne of astolat was.

the final big issue is gawaine, the closest thing the genre has to a protagonist, he’s pretty much canon bi and, in some texts, arospec, he’s a dashing knight of great reknown and he derails every romance to steal hearts, commit murder, and make out with every knight and lady mentioned.  and in hnoc he’s... racist.  that’s it.  it’s,,, almost completely unfounded by the arthurian canon and shows a major misunderstanding of his motivations (like i said earlier, he wants to avenge his brothers bc there’s a reoccuring motif of how much the orkneys value family).  i say almost bc in one text it’s his motivations for killing palomydes but i’ve never heard it mentioned by name bc that’s just what it’s known for.  most arthuriana fans just look away from it except when critiquing hnoc but that one text is an outlier, shouldn’t be counted, and i highly doubt the mechs made hnoc gawain how he is bc they found this text.  it’s just a bad text.

hnoc has,,, quite a few more minor issues, such as villainized ladies of the lake (their ONLY crimes were sealing away merlin bc he tried to assault teenage nimue/ninniane (proto-nimue/vivianne from the vulgate), and that one time vivviane/ninniane kidnapped adopted baby lancelot), assigning brain to merlin (y’know,,, the predator who helped arrange the [redacted] of arthur’s mother and tried to assault a teenager,,,) although merlin is portrayed in a positive light throughout modern arthuriana so i don’t think they knew, giving a song to pellinore, who my perception of has been forever altered bc i was introduced to him through malory and the explanation of torre’s conception, which you can just look up “sir torre arthurian” to find out abt if you can’t just Guess, if they wanted a song abt the questing beast palomydes was Right There AND has been associated with the questing beast for longer, but once again i don’t think they knew.

also namedropping a bunch of knights in the fiction is... it Suggests a bigger world full of all these other stories but they just don’t work bc the world of hnoc wasn’t designed in a way where the appearance of half these characters would make sense.  like,, tristan is referenced as dying in the grail quest in the same sentence as bedevere (one of the characters who is known for almost always surviving), but tristan Isn’t one of the knights who dies on the grail quest, his possible deaths (ignoring the potentially happy ending of the povest for a second) are either being murdered by his uncle, king mark (bc mark married tristan’s gf to try and get tristan killed and also to spite him), bc he was driven into a fury bc of tristan and isolde’s affair, or he’s injured and only isolde (the best healer in the world) can save him so he sends for her and if the ship he sent for her is supposed to fly white sails if she’s there, or black sails if she’s not, and the ship flies white sails but his wife (also named isolde) says it’s black sails (the why depends but usually comes down to jealousy), and so he gives up bc he thinks all hope is lost and usually succumbs to his injuries, either way isolde dies of a broken heart over his body.  there’s no way for the tristan and isolde story to play out like it’s supposed to in the world of hnoc, just as there’s no way for any story with gawaine (and Oh Boy are there a lot of stories with gawaine) or pretty much anyone else, without severely altering the canon.

of course, there are still parts of hnoc i like a lot, most of the music i adore and i just like the idea of space cowboys and the secret good hnoc that lives in my head.  and it has one of my favorite characterizations of galahad, even though galahad hnoc is nothing like galahad arthuriana.  it’s not GOOD but i like it and it’s fun to turn my brain off too, and i’ll always value it as my introduction to arthuriana.

also there are modern arthurian tropes i do like such as characters being genre-savvy/knowing they’re fictional/knowing they’ve done this before (which hnoc does wonderfully!) and bedevere-as-the-storyteller (everyone say thank you lord tennyson).

WOW that was longer than expected, i feel very passionately abt this, when i was planning to write a fully sourced essay i meant to include a bit at the bottom with recommendations to get into better arthuriana and i think i’ll keep that in this post.

if you like hnoc for the arthurian music i’d like to suggest heather dale’s arthurian music to you, she does occasionally fall into the trap of modern arthuriana (some parts of lancelot and arthur being close, morgan as modred’s mother), sometimes she’s just wrong (galahad at lancelot’s trial, a lot of tristan and isolde), and her stuff is kinda straightwashed sometimes (sir gawain and the green knight, for example) but i’d be lying if it wasn’t catchy, and it’s not quite as bad as hnoc adaptation-wise.  culwch and olwen is pretty accurate (albeit abridged bc culwch and olwen has SO many tangents), as is lily maid (it’s abt elayne of astolat!).

if you liked hnoc for king arthur... in space! then may i recommend to you my own fanfic? it's not posted yet but the second i finish writing the first chapter i'm going to make a Big Deal out of it that'll be impossible to miss!

if you want to learn abt arthuriana through tumblr-osmosis like i did at first, i’d like to recommend the love of my life @acegalahads, first and foremost (it’s me on a sideblog i’m just obsessed with myself), and i can’t recommend my arthuriana mutuals over there, @/gringolet, @/merlinenthusiast, @/jcbookworm, @/elayneofshalott, and @/elaineofascolat (the elayne urls have been popular recently), also i know for a fact that my mutual-in-law, @/itonje makes great arthuriana posts that i look forwards to whenever i open the tag.

here are a few good reference posts, a quick guide to the characters, a guide to characters of color, and a much more comprehensive intro to arthuriana post with even more texts linked to it.

if you want to ease into med lit, i’d like to introduce you to pre-raphaelite poetry, alfred lord tennyson and william morris are my favorites, although tennyson can’t be trusted with tristan and isolde.  the poem the lady of shalott is basically a rite of passage for arthuriana fans, although when it comes to tennyson’s writings abt elayne of astolat, i prefer lancelot and elaine, which is part of his much larger story, idylls of the king.  for morris, don’t trust what he says abt aggravaine killing his mother, but my favorites of his are sir galahad, a christmas mystery, which sounds like a shitty disney sequel, and palomyde’s quest, which i blame for my love of palomydes (that and the one bit of the povest where he asks tristan to be his greatest enemy and that he wants nothing more, gay ppl,,,,).

if you want to read abt lancelot and his husband, there’s the lancelot-grail cycle, which i believe was taken off of archive dot org and i think i found it on @/tobeisexhausting’s blog but don’t quote me on that.

the povest, which was a religious experience for me and i can’t reccomend enough if you want to like tristan and isolde, is here, i don’t know who scanned it but i think i found it on @/lanzelet’s blog

the dutch texts are just good in general, here’s a link to their section of a(n unfinished) site for hosting various texts by my former mutual @/reynier (who’s no longer on tumblr).  i’d like to recommend lancelot and the white hart specifically bc it’s mainly just just gawaine being gay for lancelot.

if you want older works, here’s my scan of the history of the kings of britain, and here’s culwch and olwen and pa gur.

oh wow this is even longer than i thought it would be so i’m going to wrap this up by saying that i always love to talk abt arthuriana more than anything if you have any questions or just are curious!

[falloutboywife]

i want to start this off by saying i am infintitely grateful for all the support i've gotten while i was away, and i cannot express enough how much it means to me to know i have so much support during such a frustrating part of my life, even if i'm only showing you guys one part of it. i cannot tell you enough how thankful i am, and i'm going to respond to as many messages as i can tomorrow because this has taken a lot of time and energy for me to write and piece together emotionally

i definitely think the other week when i made that lengthy post about my identity and my place in online spaces may have been a bit of an overreaction, however while i've had some time to think about it on my own i think that just avoiding tumblr outright is causing me to become pretty insular in how i'm perceiving the entire situation, which isn't made any easier for me considering when i ask my friends who've been seeing it unfold what their opinions on it are, their responses have been pretty mixed.

as a whole, i think that being in online fandoms, as an outspoken artist (outspoken in this sense meaning redacted and fat kid fuckery, both shameful and heretical topics few dare to mention), tends to inflate my ego in a way i don't really find desirable. meaning people who are super kind and friendly towards me and who give me a lot of positive attention, while reassuring and definitely welcomed, tends to lean into people admiring me for reasons i don't really understand, and this can also end up trapping me into a certain role to fulfill in a community because of the kind of attention i tend to reward and validate, i.e. fat kid fuckery in my dms, which leads to the expectation of me being this sort of bastion of hornyposting where all evil (affectionate) thoughts are encouraged and endorsed.

on the other end of the spectrum, and if you know what i'm talking about then you know, i tend to attract a lot of negativity from people i've never interacted with or had any intention of interacting with, and this has been an issue for me pretty much the entire time i've used social media (me adding hornyposting as a facet to my personality is really recent, like i only started doing this late 2017 and i'm really tired of it by now but. again. it's what people expect of me, more on that later), and i'm not entirely sure how to make it stop. granted, when i was a lot younger, i was genuinely an asshole, but i want to stress a very important thing i think very few of my followers on here are aware of

i'm 28 and only just now aware of the fact that i'm autistic, and i was misdiagnosed with bipolar when i was 13 and because none of the treatment or therapy worked, i always thought there was something really wrong with me, so i couldn't actually learn how to cope with a lot of my problems in a productive way until recently. so yeah, i was a jackass when i was younger, and i can be a jackass in private sometimes when i'm under a lot of stress, but having this realization about myself is really helping me a lot on its own

and being autistic, people can think i'm annoying or obnoxious or irritating and that, juxtaposed with content or opinions they might personally disagree with, can make people very angry just inherently. i've spoken with my friends about how i can't seem to shake off any drama that i really, really have nothing to do with or any interest in, and the only ones who could really relate were other autistic people. my own friend actually told me that she thinks this is something i'm just going to have to struggle with my entire life, because even if it's not being horny or advocating for sexual positivty, i'm ALWAYS doing something that will piss someone off

(quick disclaimer: i know some of you are probably going to try to engage in bad faith arguments with me saying that i'm calling all my haters ableist, and if anyone tries to insinuate that this is the conclusion i'm coming to, i'm not only ignoring your ask but blocking you as well. i'm also not answering any asks trying to insinuate that i "need help" simply because of the type of fiction i enjoy, when the issue was HOW i was engaging with it, which i think i have made exceedingly clear.)

i think it's funny that me clearly being into waycest and clearly being into babystump is lost on people to the point where they feel they need to make callout posts "warning" people about the fact that i'm...openly and unabashedly interested in this shit, but the very second i say "actually i'm asexual but i'm glad you guys are so sexually open about yourselves and your interests" i lost more followers than any active campaign trying to cancel me, which is exactly what i fucking mean when i say this is what people expect of me

so i can't really make anyone happy in the current environment i've curated for myself because it is expected of me to maintain this personality and continue engaging in this nature of content regardless of my own personal feelings on the matter, because if i want to break free from it then i risk pissing people off. i also can't just act how i want or make the kind of jokes that i want or enjoy the kind of things i want anyway because simply by having a mental disability that effects how i engage with people socially, i am risking ostracizing myself by pissing the wrong people off and ultimately making things a lot worse than they otherwise would be

however. However. even if this is exactly how i feel, this isn't entirely a situation that is exclusive to this current blog, and when i said in the beginning i was taking this too seriously, i still mean that, and i think that my own personal problems with being in online fandoms stem from external factors that have nothing to do with this website. i'm almost 30 and a lot of my life this past decade has been very stagnant due to severe depression, with no real progress towards furthering my life in any meaningful way, and i think that what i was really frustrated with when i made that post was this very factor. in conjunction with this, i use online spaces a way to try to find an open and accepting community of people i can befriend and be myself in, because my undiagnosed autism has historically made it difficult for me to really socialize with people in a productive way that didn't make me feel like an outcast. i think a combination of the fact that online spaces are becoming increasingly more difficult for me to adapt to, as well as incresingly unfulfilling, adding to the lack of fulfillment in the rest of my life, was the subconscious realization i came to when i decided to make that post and take a break from tumblr for a bit. i'm frustrated that i have no fulfillment in my life, and i can no longer find it in online spaces that i used to enjoy and find so much meaning in

this being said, i'm actually doing shit with my life at long last. i'm enrolled in classes for an english degree, and i'm going to subsequently get an associates in creative writing that i'll be able to complete in a single semester after the fact, leaving me with two whole degrees under my belt that i can use in developing my future in the literary world. i'm taking my art more seriously as well, although i only post my bandom and lotr drawings on here, and i'm thinking of making an instagram account to start posting my art on there as well, as a sort of portfolio. i'm sick of this ongoing feeling of there being no meaning in my life, and i'm sick of feeling like i'm just wasting away and putting my mind to no use, and the immense joy i got just from seeing my class schedule for the fall semester made me realize that i am an intellectual, i'm an academic, and i'm in love with media and literary studies and this is what i find meaning in. this shit makes me so fucking happy and when i finished the picture of dorian gray the other day i IMMEDIATELY went on a tirade about its themes and symbolism just to myself and that, alone, was so fucking rewarding. i've been watching movies with my friend sweaterangst and just describing the themes of the horror used in the fucking texas chainsaw massacre movies made me feel so fulfilled even if he might have barely been listening LMAO i find meaning in seeking out complex and thought-provoking pieces of work and i

absolutely

am not getting that being on tumblr and talking about how i'm gonna let the fat kid deepfry me at the state fair (affectionate) (delusional) (severe)

with that being said, yes, i'm still asexual and i don't get fulfillment from purely sexual discussion, but i think i'm still gonna be answering asks about the sexy stuff so long as i find it engaging to a degree. i'm gonna start trying to use the guys you say as creative writing exercises because in the beginning that's what the fucking smut started as LMAO but i lost the plot a while ago and just let myself stagnate, like i said. i'm still gonna blog about bandom stuff but now that i have no reason to treat social media like it's all i have, and now that i'm breaking out of my depressed state in more meaningful ways, i think i'm gonna start blogging about a lot more things too and try to start having fun on this site again.

five nights at fat kid's is back, baby

[theros]

44 34 24 14 and 4

44. Something you like about your OCs in general?

gods. This is a really hard one to answer because I don't really know like... what I like about them all overall, as a group? Man I'm just in a corner making my action figures kiss.

34. Do you have any twin characters?

Yes actually! Nael and Kalvarian, my [redacted] ocs. (not a bad source, just a small fandom and I do not want them to descend on me if this post ends up in the search. I have very strong opinions about the author and the writing and about 99% of fans and would much rather hide in a corner with 4 friends whose opinions I do not hate.)

ANYWAY. They're fraternal twins, both binary trans, and unfortunately I will never finish the fic I have about them meeting the canon characters and causing confusion because canonically there's a sex-based caste system and the twins each match one of the castes of their actual gender. Every time I try to pick up the fic again I just can't seem to keep writing it, even though I had a whole outline for it and several scenes written from all across the timeline.

The sad thing is that as of the last time I checked the fandom tags on Ao3, it was the only fic touching the possibility of trans characters in this incredibly sex-based world and power system.

But anyway yeah, pretty much inseparable twins who would absolutely die to protect each other (and almost did twice) and who understand each other better than anyone else because they're apparently the only trans characters in multiple planes of existence.

... gods, one day I really should try to finish that fic. And maybe rewrite the published chapters since they're. Very very old and my writing has gotten a little better.

24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why?

That's honestly a really really hard question for me? Half my ocs would probably not actually like me or my own insecurities would act up because they're so much stronger and cooler than me and I am a Basic Earth Person. Hm... Maybe Savai or Kolasi, my FFXIV Warriors of Light? Preferably before the storyline breaks Kol and makes her go from incredibly friendly peppy sunshine child to bitter and hurt and kind of lashing out at everyone. I dunno, I just feel like I'd end up swept along with her lol, grabbed by the arm as she runs to find something fun to do while we hang out, or a neat skill she could teach me. Sav is incredibly awkward and shy and 100% would not talk to me, but he's very expressive nonverbally and I'd be able to talk and hang out with him, and maybe make him smile by panting and stumbling to a chair like "Is she always this energetic????"

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

OKAY SO THIS IS THE REASON IT TOOK SO LONG TO REPLY TO YOU AND IT'S BECAUSE I WROTE OUT LYRIQ'S WHOLE DAMN STORY BUT NOBODY NEEDS THAT LONG BORING SUMMARY GOD

To shorten that WAY the fuck down, local pacifist and protector of her youngest sibling is forced to stop being a pacifist in order to try to protect people better and find her missing sister, only to run into her other sister and be forced to kill her because she's become a homicidal vampire fuckhead.

4. A character you rarely talk about?

... *picks up several warrior cats ocs and dumps them on the floor in front of you*

Granted, most of those don't have any actual character building done beyond color, place in clan, basic personality. So if I have to say someone who's at least a little more built out... Derek (VH, the ex-vault hunter on vaulthuntersuggestions, whose name I probably misspelled again bc I can't bloody remember how I spell his name each time).

Borderlands kind of became a minor trigger for me back in late 2018, so I really started neglecting VH as a character and not giving him nearly as much attention as my other "main" OCs. Hence his pretty stagnant state on VHS, without much in the way of character development. I really shouldn't even try to lump him in with my main OCs; I do because he has his own blog but his muse is so weak he really doesn't qualify.

Still, he is my beloved old man trying desperately to pretend he isn't actually a giant softie and dork and is definitely a rough-around-the-edges merc.

[theotherackerman]

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan.

NOTES:

Tuesday, January 19th

 song: epiphany-taylor swift

chapter twenty-two: epiphany

Zeke was working at his desk when he heard his brother’s voice down the hall. It must have been time for Eren’s appointment. Zeke had been too involved in the paperwork he was doing to even realize the time.

His last patient had been a wreck.

More so than normal. Everything was in order now.

At least Zeke had hoped.

Zeke remembered the words Pieck had said to him. Maybe Zeke already had the family he had longed for.

But he still had unfinished business with one part of his family.

He looked over at the picture of his mother on his desk.

Dina had got the short end of every stick. Her family had mostly passed away by the time she had married Grisha and the living family…

Well, they wanted nothing to do with her.

Zeke thought of Levi.

His mother had been cast out due to being pregnant while Zeke’s mother had been cast out for marrying a man she loved.

Zeke made peace with Grisha, at least in his head.

But his mother’s family?

The ones who abandoned her?

Those he wanted revenge on.

Now he had the perfect opportunity.

Well, at least he thought he did.

He still had a lot of things to get in order before he could.

“Have you read the file yet?” he heard Levi’s voice behind him. It caused Zeke to jump.

“How did you get back here?” Zeke asked as he turned around. “Also I thought Mikasa was bringing Eren.”

“I walked through the door. How else would I get back here? It’s snowing. She doesn’t like to drive in the snow.”

“Right. Parents’ car accident. You mentioned that.”

“So did you read the file?”

“No,” Zeke sighed before standing up and closing the door.

“Why not? You’ve been bugging me about it long enough,” Levi said before taking his usual spot and sitting down.

“Because I know there’s going to be a lot of shit in there from the Reiss family about my mom,” Zeke said before sitting back down at his desk.

“It’s not an opinion. It’s only only facts in there. What would Kenny do with an opinion?” Levi huffed.

“I do not know!” Zeke yelled. He sighed and then took off his glasses. He ran both of his hands down his face before putting his glasses back on.

“Are you doing okay over there?” Levi asked after a moment.

“Yes...no….maybe. I do not know right now. I am worried about Eren. I am worried about my friends. I am worried about that damn file. It may have more information that I am not ready to know about the shitty Reiss family. My mother was the only surviving Fritz. Now she’s gone and the Reiss family couldn’t even be bothered to care about her passing. Just because she married Grisha. Her entire life was ruined by that man.”

“But she did love him.”

“Unfortunately for everyone involved, she went to her death loving him. Have you read the file?” Zeke asked as he looked at Levi.

“Yeah, there’s some very interesting things in there. You should give it a read,” Levi said before he stood up. “And Eren’s fine. He’s better than the last time I saw him. I’d say something if he wasn’t.”

“Yes, I suppose you would.”

“Read the damn file.”

“I will. I will read it this week.”

“Good,” Levi said before he walked out of the door, closing it behind him.

----------

The snow was picking up as Mikasa watched it fall. She still hated the snow. She hated driving in it more than anything. She had been surprised when Levi had told her he was taking Eren to therapy and not to worry about it. After feeding the dogs and taking them on a walk, she had begun her daily chores. They hadn’t taken as long as Mikasa would have liked.

So she sat in the sun room watching the snow. She was worried about Levi and Eren’s return. She was worried if Sasha and Historia had made it to the indoor farmer’s market safely.

“Stop staring at it,” Ymir said before poking Mikasa in the shoulder. “Historia and Sasha are fine. I’m sure Levi and Eren will be back soon.”

Mikasa simply nodded.

“Still having writer’s block?” Ymir asked as she sat down in a chair.

“Yeah, unfortunately.”

“Maybe you just need a break. You don’t have to write a song everyday, you know.”

“I know it’s just...it’s the way I can get my feelings out, you know? Better than a real journal. I can make allegories and no one will know what I’m talking about.”

“I disagree. Some of us know who your songs are about.”

“Really? Then how many songs have I written about you and Historia?”

“I dunno. Like six.”

Mikasa smirked.

“Wait, is it more?”

“But I thought you knew who my songs are about.”

“Did you write a song about all of us?”

Mikasa nodded.

“How many?”

“A lot.”

“Okay, what song is about Levi and Hange? Because there’s got to be at least one I’m guessing.”

“There’s a few,” Mikasa said before she moved over to her keyboard. “There’s a few just about Levi though.”

"Really? You should play one of them,” Ymir said before she moved over and sat down on the piano bench in front of the keyboard.

Mikasa sat down next to her and began to play.

The song sounded melancholy.

“ {lyrics redacted due to copyright}. ”

Ymir’s father had been a soldier like Levi. It wasn’t something she spoke on very much. She wondered if her father had felt like that. She couldn’t remember much about him. Had what he saw been too much for him in the end?

Mikasa and Ymir hadn’t realized that Levi and Eren had returned. They didn’t know that they were in the living room, hearing every word.

“ {lyrics redacted due to copyright}.”

Eren made his way over to the sun room.

It was a good thing as Levi had started to tear up. He looked at Sawney and Bean. Both were sitting there, wiggling.

Sometimes Levi wondered if he had done right by Mikasa, as every parent did. But to have seen her grow, to see her music grow with her. He was proud of her.

He had ideas of who all the songs were about. It wasn’t rocket science for him to figure out. He and Hange had even made a guessing game out of her music.

“Eren! How long have you been here?” Mikasa said as she stopped playing the piano.

“Just got in with Levi.”

Levi wiped the tears away before making his way over to the sun room with the dogs in tow.

“What are we doing for lunch, brats?” Levi asked as he leaned in the doorway.

“It’s your turn to cook, Ymir,” Mikasa reminded her.

“Alright, so what are we ordering?”

“Hey!” Ymir countered.

“Go see what Annie wants,” Levi said as he walked out of the sun room.

-----------------

The Blouse family farm stall at the indoor farmer’s market was doing very well. In fact, due to Historia’s personality, they were doing much better than they had in previous years.

Sasha didn’t speak much about the year with the drought where they almost lost the farm. Connie’s family had helped so much. She would never be able to repay his family for all the help they had given her family.

This year, the winter crops were doing great, they were preparing for spring corps.

Things were looking up for Sasha.

In fact, Niccolo had finally got the guts to actually call Sasha for once.

And it didn't go well.

In fact, it went in a completely bad direction.

They had been chatting about how Connie was searching for something to take on his date with Ruth Kline. Somehow, Sasha had let it slip that Connie had put a lot of effort into their dates especially after he had taken her virginity.

"Wait, Connie was your first?"

"Uh, yeah. Why does that matter?" Sasha asked.

“But you’re still friends…”

“Yeah? Is that a problem?”

“Is that a problem? Yeah, it’s a big fucking problem.”

“Wait, why? I thought you liked Connie! I thought you guys gamed together.”

“Yeah, we do but that’s besides the point.”

“Please inform me of what the point is then.”

“He’s your first. That’s special, right? That means something. He means something to you.”

“Well, yeah, he’s my best friend. Look, I really don’t like what you’re saying right now.”

“I’m just saying that there’s something there. And you could be tempted.”

“Tempted? What because I can’t control myself? Because I’m not loyal to a relationship that has been nothing but sexting and far too little conversation? Let's not forget that you forgot to tell the name of your band and that Eren was in it.”

“How was I supposed to know that you knew Eren?”

“Gee, I don’t know. The photos on my Instagram? The photos on Facebook? Oh, wait. That would require you to take an active interest in what I actually do.”

“I take an interest in what you do!”

“Then why do our conversations only revolve around sex, band stuff, and your culinary career?”

“Well, that’s because...you don’t really do much.”

“Excuse me?”

“Wait, that came out wrong.”

“This conversation is over.”

“Sasha, wait.”

“No. Fuck off, Niccolo. Don’t call me.”

“Sasha…”

Sasha hung up on him, not wishing to hear anything else. She sat down on her bed, frustrated by the whole situation.

Sure, there was a part of her that understood that Niccolo was just jealous.

But there was literally nothing for him to be jealous of!

Her relationship with Connie was nothing more than platonic now. She loved Connie. She truly did and no one would ever come between them.

They had fallen out of love after high school. It hadn’t been a bad break up or even slightly messy.

Some relationships just run their course and they’re over.

That had been Connie and Sasha but despite that, they had stayed the best of friends. Something that would never change. No matter who they dated.

Niccolo though….

Sasha had hoped that he would step up.

Take her on a real date.

Spend time with her.

But he hadn’t.

Then his jealousy right now?

That wasn’t something Sasha was willing to put up. Her friends came first before whatever romantic partner came along.

If Niccolo didn’t like that, then he was free to leave.

------------

At band practice, everyone noticed the change in Sasha’s mood.

She didn’t have to say anything. She just wasn’t her normal perky self.

“Alright, spit it out,” Ymir said after they finished playing an older song.

“What?” Sasha asked as four girls stared at her.

“Something is bothering you,” Mikasa spoke up next.

““Yes, no. I don’t know. Things aren’t going with Niccolo,” Sasha said.

“Why?” Annie asked.

“Well, there’s the whole we can barely talk to one another in person factor. Oh and he doesn’t like that I’m very good friends with my ex,” Sasha sighed as she leaned up against the wall.

“Does he not realize how small of a town this is? I mean Annie’s ex is building our studio and Armin doesn’t care,” Historia said as she crossed her arms across her chest.

“I guess not. I’m just not going to talk to Niccolo for a few days. Connie and I were years ago! He just happens to be one of my best friends. He’s been seeing Ruth Kline, you remember her? She was in our geometry class. She doesn’t care that Connie and I are still friends. Niccolo should trust me, right?” Sasha crossed her arms across her chest.

“He should. Maybe you’re right about not talking to him for a bit,” Mikasa said.

“I am. I’m not going to let him bring me down. The farm is doing well. We’re getting a studio.”

“There’s my Sasha!” Ymir yelled as she moved behind the drum set and wrapped her arm around Sasha’s shoulders. “But seriously, say the word. He’ll be dead.”

“Ymir, you can’t solve everything with violence,” Historia said as she rolled her eyes.

“Says the girl who saw me at the supermarket and punched me in the face,” Eren said as he leaned in the doorway of the sun room.

“Okay but you kind of deserved that,” Historia defended.

“Yeah, no. You’re right. So who are you killing?” he asked.

“Considering your friends with the enemy, we cannot reveal our plan to you,” Ymir replied.

Annie rolled her eyes, “it’s Niccolo. He freaked out because Connie and Sasha are friends.”

Eren frowned. “Weird. I thought he knew that. Either way, I’m not getting involved but if you want me to talk to him, Sasha….”

Sasha shook her head. “I’m just going to give him some space and then we’ll go from there.”

“I thought you’d be more of a wreck after therapy,” Annie said as she looked at Eren.

“Huh? Oh. No. I’m good. Magath seems to know what he’s doing sometimes.”

“He was even okay directly afterwards,” Mikasa chimed in.

“Thanks for your confidence.”

“No, it’s just...when I went to therapy, I used to feel emotionally drained afterwards,” Annie explained.

“You went to therapy?”

“I did too. It’s a shitty little thing they force you into when you’re in foster care. So they can say they’re taking care of your mental health. It’s mostly just a therapist who doesn’t want to be there and asking you a shit ton of questions without actually listening to your answers,” Ymir said before she began just playing random chords on her base.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Annie said with a shrug.

“I had to go for a while after my parents died. It wasn’t too bad,” Mikasa shrugged.

“If you get a therapist that actually cares, you’re lucky. The ones assigned by the government...it’s clear they hate it there,” Ymir said before she stopped playing.

“Try being in the military,” Levi called from the living room.

“Does Zeke get paid by the military?” Ymir asked.

“No. He just specializes in PTSD,” Eren explained.

“Why that of all things?” Sasha asked.

“I don’t know. His mentor did too. He’s really proud of Zeke. His name is Tom Ksaver and he had a pretty messed up past from what Zeke told me.”

“Alright, Jaeger. Get out. We’ve got to practice,” Ymir said before playing her bass again.

[orchidbreezefc]

OH SHIT YALL ARE WE PUBLICALLY TALKING ABOUT THE SHIT THE KFAM CREATORS PULL? IS THAT A THING WE’RE TALKING ABOUT NOW? I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

first: im not going to go into issues i have with the show itself. yall heard the helen keller episode and the walt storyline/the character voice a white dude used for him same as i did--my input won’t be necessary there i think. i also recommend the blog @kfam-tea​, thank you for your service, for being an archive for creator-based shit, the current snafu and their history, etc.

this is about my personal experiences with the creators. there’s plenty of behavior by the FANDOM that i don’t appreciate, especially in the official discord--where it’s specifically encouraged and cultivated--and maybe i’ll indulge myself with that in a separate post, but this i think will be more relevant to more folks’ interests and the current climate.

so. remember ep90, “if you’re hungry and you know it”? it’s the one where maggie calls in to apply and gets treated like shit by our protagonists for 15 minutes. comments are made about her breasts. they try to dissuade her from applying for the job posting they’ve been advertising because chet would sexually harass her and rather than address that they’d rather just.... warn off every female applicant? maggie through the conversation is trying to make amends for her wrongs (i.e. high school drama and attacking a guy who sexually harassed her so badly for years she quit her job) and talk about her efforts at recovery, and she is mocked, both in the way she is written and in the way sammy and ben talk to and about her.

it was bad. it was very sexist and bad, and nothing was said about it for a month (7/15-8/15), at which point ep92, “words: greater than pen, greater than sword” aired, which contained lily tearing sammy to shreds over it. ben wasn’t there, which was interesting, because it did create a dynamic where our resident socially aware lesbian (who solely bears the burden of educating people when they are being shitheads and is richly rewarded by being widely regarded as an unlikeable bitch by the fandom and many of the characters) rightfully confronts and gets an apology from a gay man for being half of an extremely misogynist shutdown of a woman. meanwhile, his hetero counterpart and unassailable purehearted fandom darling is not yelled at for his misogyny, and gets to have this Very Important Lesson relegated to him offscreen later. i mean, presumably? i’m pretty sure we never hear whether that actually happens.

still, it was a pretty thorough discussion of how gross that conversation had been, and it was addressed and apologized for in the show itself by the characters (or one of them), which was more than i expected. it regained some lost trust. it was clear to me that the kfam team had received the same sort of outcry from the fandom that i had seen in more private servers, and these were their amends. i decided to tweet at them applauding the effort. this is how that worked out:

[ID: a tweet by me that reads: “@ KingFallsAM hey.... today's episode was good. this was a good way to respond to fan criticism and the apology is appreciated. thanks.”

the official kfam account quote tweeted this to respond: “This was an intended storyline, we don’t course correct. We have ALWAYS had imperfect characters that learn and grow and will continue to. Also... we only saw one tweet even mention it. But thanks?“

a fellow fan, whose username and icon have been redacted, replied to the official kfam account’s response with: “I feel like there’s a less sarcastic way to respond to this tweet. I’m a diehard fan, however I saw quite a bit of criticism about thesexism[sic] in the recent episodes. I too was under the impression that it was a course correction, regardless I am glad that there is character growth“]

so. that was a cool thing. like, i do owe that other fan my life and will show up for them in their hour of need for being the only one to publically stick up for me despite being a stranger, but that sure was a quote tweet that a multi-thousand-followers account used to dunk on my under-100-followers account for trying to pay them a compliment!

i mean, really. the passive-aggressive ‘but thanks?’ at the end? and them saying not that they didnt course correct in this case where followup (a month later) was planned, but that they don’t course-correct, as in they never do that--was a clear statement of ‘we don’t accept fan criticism or feedback on writing OR representation and take it into account, ever’. hey kfam, pro tip: when you say 'thanks for accepting our apology i guess' it really sounds like you didnt feel like you needed to apologize in the first place. which is a pretty bold attitude to take about an episode where a character apologizes for being sexist.

like no wonder you only saw one tweet about it if that’s the attitude you present toward criticism (and, as @kfam-tea​‘s blog thoroughly proves, it is and has been, consistently). i know the risk of backlash is definitely why i hadn’t said anything about 90 in public up to that point. but yeah, 'nobody told us that episode was disgusting in our samebrain discord server that contains the literal creators who have a history of backlash, so can you really say there was fan criticism at all? maybe it was just in your head. after all, if we did something wrong with the intention to correct it a month later, did we really do anything wrong in the first place? checkmate'

tl;dr im not surprised by the new developments. my hearts go out to the MINORS, who are specifically cultivated as an audience by the sfw policy of the official server, who were publically chewed out by the grown ass author on twitter for requesting tags, warnings, or really any sort of discretion or consideration at all on nsfw content.

p.s.: here’s something kyle said on the discord in response to a conversation in which i criticized ben’s behavior during an episode (i.e. said he should apologize and take responsibility for a hurtful thing he did even though he did it by accident, or at least have it acknowledged in the show or the fandom that he did a hurtful thing--another post, perhaps) and the rest of the discord dogpiled me until i cried and shut down and stopped defending myself or speaking at all because i couldn’t deal with inviting any more argument:

[ID: a discord message from kyle that reads: “Thank you all for talking about this maturely and with your words. I’ve personally never seen that heard[sic???] of this scene with that POV attached but that’s the beautiful thing about this show and shows like it, is[sic] that we all kinda copy & paste ourselves on these characters and situations at times. Everybody’s opinions on the situation is[sic] valid with their own personal context of the scene.” two people have reacted with blue heart emojis.]

how magnanimous, kyle. wouldn’t have described the preceding argument as civil even if i did understand how anyone could possibly do anything on a discord text channel that didn’t qualify as using their words, but thanks? somebody literally DM’d me to ask if i was okay because without having ever talked to me one-on-one before they could tell i was deeply distraught by the end, but i’m glad you got to be the benevolent author and shake hands with both sides for a swift shutdown of dissent well executed. /s

[currentfandomkick]

Miraculous Team and the Batboys

Longer update, wrote the ao3 version first this time. if you want to find me there, crazyjc.

--

Thankfully there weren’t any akuma attacks that day or that night. Marinette was glad to get some sleep for once. Her body, confused and used to a few hours a night, got her up early.

Marinette decided to help with the morning rush—quick to handle the register and make adjustments to some people’s orders (no extra charge for the exhausted high school and college students) when she managed to find someone as dead as she was after an akuma messed up her commission schedule and sleep was skipped for a week.

“Wow, you’re getting the ‘Please Don’t Let Me Die Again Yet’ special.” Marinette turned before the zombie could speak. “Maman, watch the register, someone looks worse than midterms and commissions me.”

Once Maman took the register again, Marinette worked on her disaster drink that only a few particular customers knew of from her personal menu--mainly the dead college and high school students insane enough to pull a weeks worth of all nighters like her. And baby parents that liked her parents bakery.

Gurarana beans instead for the extra caffeine with her special blend of licorice root, peppermint and green tea poured in--double the caffeine with less effort, glucose for the brain fuel, sweet and mint for wakeup and focus, and green tea for lasting energy boost.

“Here, this should keep you up and a bit more functional than usual.”

The man raised an eyebrow.

“Oh my god, what got Finals Angel up this early?” One of the regulars almost yelled, staring at her with a look that screamed the universe was going to collapse in on itself, and they were now anticipating this outcome until they got their morning fix.

Marinette shrugged, moving to the next customer as the dead man took a seat and pulled out his laptop. She continued to help until it was getting close to class.

“Maman, the rest of that brew is under the cabinet for the laptop zombie, I’m taking my morning delivery now.”

Maman took over while Marinette made her way to school, passing out the usual deliveries as she moved about.

“Adrien, your insult to caffeinated monstrosities everywhere.”

“Thanks Marinette!” The blond held his (essentially) hot chocolate with one pump expresso, and five three shots of caramel on top of whip cream.

“Chloe, why you have me grab something this sweet this early is only further proof of your crimes against humanity.”

“You’re welcome Dupain-Cheng.” The girl nabbed her (in Marinette's opinion) low caffeine sugar water--licorice root with half a bottle of honey, and lots of ice with whip cream and honesy drizzled on top. She would never understand that order, but was too afraid to ask at this point. She might be taking the Bee thing too far.

“Alya, thank you for being a sane coffee person, Nino, we are having a talk about your scheduling.”

“Thanks gurl." Because close or not, Alya was an addict with a simple and reasonable coffee that restored Marinette's sanity while making it.

Nino groaned as he took his pastries and three cream, one expresso. “Not again, I still haven’t recovered from the last time.”

Marinette shrugged. “Your mistake, not mine.”

“Oh, did you get my cookies?” Sabrina asked.

Marinette rolled her eyes with a fond smile. She likes Sabrina when she isn't in full cling mode, and giving her boxes of pre-paid cookies put together on Marinette's whims? Very calming after dealing with Adrien and Chloe's offending orders. “Yes. You paid for a different set everyday.”

“Thanks!” Sabina examined her current mix, more obscure cookies since Marinette got them before the morning rush.

“Markov, please tell me Max got some sleep last night?” Marinette asked as she handed another of her special “Max needs a nap but is to stubborn to” order--which is essentially an energy drink blend with a few slow-release teas mixed in.

“Affirmative. He got the requested minimum of three hours. I will ensure he gets more once school is out.”

“I’ll take what I can get.” He was less prone to akumatazation with more sleep, and Hawkmoth does like using Max. Marinette likes knowing she can have her teammate in the field without wondering if he'll pass out.

Marinette took her seat by Alya. They weren’t as close anymore, but it did mean Lila was alone in the back and didn’t see the group document.

“Class, we have a new student today!”

Marinette frowned. She wasn’t informed of any newcomers. She looked over at Chloe who huffed. She didn’t know either then.

“Class, this is Damian Grayson from America. His father is here on business and will be joining us for the semester!”

Chloe and her shared a look. With Chloe as the current president and Marinette as the head of the welcome committee, this was very last minute for them not to be informed. Especially as Bustier had the time to since both were here early.

Alya shot her a look.

Marinette shook her head. She really didn’t know, and it bugged her.

Alya narrowed her eyes as the new boy came in. Black hair, stood too straight and Middle Eastern. She wondered what his first language was briefly--someone in school was bound to be fairly fluent. If it was related to Arabic, Rose would be a good translator. Her and Adrien both have Mandarin now, and her English was passable to Americans--not so much for the UK. Alya has Spanish while Nino has Portuguese covered. Chloe was good for UK English and so was Adrien, but those two weren't good for new kids... especially from the America. Mylene, Ivan, Nathaniel and Juleka were bad at talking most of the time, so they were no-gos...

And she still had to finish Ali's commission… This would be a headache if they were an old Chloe-type.

“Damian, why don’t you tell us about yourself.”

“No need to. I do not plan on making friends.”

And he was worse than an Old Chloe-type. There went her free period for commissions.

The entire class shared a look, and Marinette wanted to groan. This boy would be in for a rude awakening—there was no escaping friendship in Bustier’s class. And anyone difficult? They would sent Marinette as envoy--hopefully Alya didn't make easy.

“I presume my seat is in the back?”

“Actually,” Alya stood up with a grin, “I was going to sit back with Lila to help her catch up in our next class.”

Marinette froze as she realized what Alya was doing. Keeping the new kid from Lila was good, but she also needed to keep Alya from falling for Lila’s lies again. And she has no clue on his preferred languages and uh!

“Alya,” she hissed.

“Don’t worry, I got this.” Alya moved to the back with ease before the boy could say a word.

Marinette hit her head. Why was her friend like this?

“I guess that means you’ll sit next to Marinette. Marinette, can you show Damian around during your free period?”

Marinette knew that tone. There was no refusing without a lecture on being a good role model and another reprimand for stepping down from class representative and student government when she got more commissions and needed more time.

“Of course Miss Buster.”

Damian took his seat without saying a word.

Marinette decided it was better to stay silent with this one--he didn't want friends, and would only be here briefly. She could respect that, even if she could feel the others scheming otherwise.

“What do you mean you know—“

“Oops,” Lila grinned. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

And that was what Marinette was hoping to avoid.

Damian twitched next to her. Marinette sighed, “One sec, I need to remind someone to check her sources before getting ahead of themselves… again.”

Nino shot Marinette a sympathetic look while Marinette linked three redacted articles that starred Lila as her main source.

“And done.”

Damian raised an eye brow at her. “You aren’t going to pester me, correct?”

Marinette rolled her eyes. Honestly? “You made your stance clear. I’m here as the actual head of the welcoming committee, and during free period I’ll just need to know your interests so we can avoid the parts of the school that aren’t relevant for you, and to make sure you have an idea how to handle akuma attacks since I’m going to guess they didn’t tell you about that before you applied.”

“tt,” Damian leveled her with a scowl. “Of course I know about them.”

Marinette didn’t bother to hide her surprise. “So you know where to go for shelter, the drills, the apps and news sources that are good for tracking, which hospitals are contactable during attacks and which ones go into lock down, oh and what actions are allowable and not as civilian aides to the miraculous team?”

The boy froze before her. He didn't then.

Her face slid into a more neutral one--keeping her gloating to herself.“That’s what I thought. I have a few flow charts in the committee room to grab since its an info dump and no one processes those well, and your learning style may benefit from it for all I know.” Marinette made sure not add ‘since some people can’t be bothered to tell me.’ The new boy clearly wasn’t interested in friendship, and despite what the class thinks, she is not friendship-nip.

“I…”

“Class, turn to page 67 of your textbook. Marinette, make sure to share with Damian.”

“Yes Miss Bustier,” Marinette moved the book between the two of them, ignoring Damian besides checking where his eyes were on the page before turning as they followed along.

Once their free period began, Adrien had a Chloe guarding him against the Lila octopus, with Sabrina flanking his other arm as backup.

“I take it those three are together?” Damian asked once they left.

“No, Chloe doesn’t share her friends well,” Marinette explained as they moved through the halls. “And it keeps away his fans, so no one stops it anymore.” Not unless they wanted the Mayor’s ire at least. It was very effective against Lila.

“I see…” He was watching her. She wasn’t sure if it was an American thing or just a tic of his. Possibly both.

“That’s where the teacher’s offices are for before and after school,” Marinette gestured to one wing. “All the doors are labeled, so its easy enough to find who you’re looking for as long as you have a name. You’ll find most of the school services there as well, minus the nurse who’s room is closer to the quad.”

Marinette smiled when they got to welcoming committee room. None of the other members were there at the moment, but the file cabinet was. She grabbed one of the ready-made packets and grabbed a spare Bustier Class packet too.

“Here’s the information for being new in Paris, everything from common places to eat, the good hole-in-the-wall places itemized by what you’re looking for, everything relating to akumas is on the red papers, and the yellow is the school’s map and procedures.” Marinette handed him the blue folder, then the orange. “This one is the Bustier-class specific one approved by Miss Bustier. It lists everything from class rules, what caused various akumatazations with the victim’s consent to disclose it, so not all are listed, and it has your schedule and the class outing dates plus who’s interested in what on the pink pages for possible friends, but you said you weren’t interested so we can skip that.”

Marinette watched him look over the papers for a moment, waiting until his attention was back to her. “Now, anything you have a vague interest in that you might have some random inclination to do at Dupont during your free periods, before or after school?”

Damian raised an eyebrow at her.

“Its you let me tailor the tour for you, or you have to go all over the school and talk to me the entire time, when we both know you’re really not interested.”

“Tt.”

Marinette shrugged. “Have it your way, now, on with the tour!”

--

Damian gawked at the core ciruculum including what he knew was more college level than high school level. Then there was the fact these students had access to multiple state of the art facilities tailored to current students interests on campus, with little issue getting them apparently.

“How does your school get all of this?”

The pigtail girl almost laughed at his question. “I guess they just sent you here since we have the most flexible curriculum routines then.” The girl shifted how she stood. “Dupont is an experimental school, everyone is given high expectations on entry but as long as you keep up with grades the school gets whatever any student requests—a few years ago we had one kid that was allowed to do rocket science as part of his program, he went to some German facility with a translator every other day. Alix has a blanket permit to do street art and installations on public property, as long as she gets her design approved and can give them her schedule as long as she helps other student with history classes. I get full access to any designing materials as part of my deal with the school in exchange for doing any school event costumes and tailoring jobs that I get a two week notice on.”

Damian nodded along, processing this new information. Suddenly, the high amount of akumas from graduates and current students of Dupont made sense. They were specialists, extremely skilled at their crafts and more likely to be knowledgeable than the general population on a variety of topics.

--

Marinette was glad for their hour-long lunch. “I’d ask if you wanted someone to eat with you, but you look like you need some time to process. I’ll check in before school ends.”

She ran home, noting that the man from that morning was still there but looked much less like he would keel over sometime soon. She knew that brew would help. She grabbed a croissant and ran upstairs to finish Prince Ali’s latest commission—a variant on his usual princely attire that was more maneuverable but still formal enough that no one would notice when he wore that one instead of the traditional one.

She had a feeling he was going to use it to sneak away from his guards.

She set an alarm and got to work.

She was quick to leave once the alarm sounded—she gave herself an extra five minutes this time.

“Hey, you’re the coffee angel, right?”

Marinette turned to see the man from that morning, now much more alive.

“I guess.” Marinette knew not to give out names to customers unless her parents deemed them not-stalker-y.

“Thanks, that thing actually worked. What’s in it?”

Marinette smiled at that. “Sorry, that’s a secret not even Maman and Papa get to know.”

“Huh,” the man processed her words. “Guess I’ll have to keep coming when I’m low then.”

Marinette nodded. “Guess so, good to see you’re no longer a zombie monsieur!”

She ran off at that, not sure what to think of them yet, other than if they needed that drink regularly, they might be worse than her. And she has heroing as an excuse. He doesn’t.

--

Holy shit was not expecting this response.

Thank you all so much, was not expecting this much positive response and i think my brain broke a bit, in the good way.

So, we have a new fan to Marinette's secret menu, and a Damian slowly realizing why the school is targetted who is also going with the 'I don't do friends' thing, again.

leaving this one as a poll: Damian calls out Lila by the end of the day for how Marinette and him end up as friends, or he puts together Marinette is doing a lot for the class by the end of the day and wants to figure out why, especially after reading the Ladyblog during lunch, or any other ideas.

Any ideas on how Marinette meets Dick and Jason for when she meets the next round of Batboys?

@worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @littleredrobinhoodlum @northernbluetongue @kceedraws @pirats-pizzacanninibles @theatreandcomicfreak @daminett4life @catthhay @weird-pale-blonde-person @amayakans @chocolatecatstheron

[unfortunately-inlove]

What would I say if I reached out to you?

I don’t, because I’m scared that it will cause you undue distress or it will crush me into a million pieces again if you react with hostility. And I think waiting for you to see the message and answer it (or not answer it) would give me a stroke tbh. But if I did, what would I say? Would I keep it short and to the point?

“Dear (redacted), please don’t feel pressured to respond to this message if you don’t want to. I don’t want to cause you distress and if hearing from me is upsetting, you don’t need to reply. If you don’t answer I won’t reach out again. I just wanted to say that I think of you often. I wish that we were at peace with each other and that we could simply live on the social media edges of each other’s lives. I hope you love the life you have now. I hope you’re able to remember most of our memories fondly. Be well.”

Or would I tell her everything in one, huge message?

“Hey, it’s me. Don’t feel pressured to respond if you don’t want to. If you don’t answer I won’t reach out again.

I wanted you to know that I think about you often. And I’ve thought a lot about talking to you, but I haven’t up til now because I didn’t want to cause undue pain or distress. I did unblock you on everything just in case you ever wanted to talk to me, though.

I want you to know that I am still so sorry for what I did. I shouldn’t have told Austin. There’s no excuse I can give that ever would make it okay. You know it was never my intention to out you to your father or to school though, and I never wanted to harm you. I was overcome with emotion at the time because I was concerned for your soul because you were becoming wiccan. And Austin saw me crying and he and James and I took a walk, and it came out as one of the reasons I was worried.

I only say all of that as an explanation but not an excuse. I’m older, and less of an idiot, and have more self control. We were both subject to a certain level of religious indoctrination and intolerance and that heavily influenced my actions, of course. But I wasn’t a kid, I was 17 and I shouldn’t have said anything that wasn’t mine to say. Regardless of the beliefs pumped into me from school (and other influences, of course.) Again, just an explanation of my actions but not an excuse. I wish that James had talked to me first before he told you what I did so I could have told you myself instead. I wonder if that would have changed anything, though.

But it took me a long time to realize that that event was just the final nail in the coffin of our friendship, I think. There were a lot of things that I didn’t even remember had happened until we weren’t friends anymore.

You kissed me. New Year’s Eve. Did you have a crush on me? Or did you just kiss me to kiss a woman? You had me and Julianne watch porn with you, on your porch when we were kids. I saw a woman put a lightbulb in her vagina. Your physical boundaries with me were odd, and I never realized it because I loved you and didn’t think anything negative of you. You had me spoon you, when you were cold. Was that platonic?

Towards the end of our friendship (the last year or so) I always got the vibe that you thought I was stupid, or at least not as intelligent as you. I remember confronting you about it once on the phone, and you apologizing and saying it was “a part of you that you didn’t like.” The funny thing is, I actually can’t remember a single instance of you talking down to me. But I remember talking to you about those instances on the phone, so I know they happened. This is how I found out that my brain represses memories that make me upset. That’s why I didn’t talk to you about most of these things; I forgot that they happened. I literally forgot that you kissed me. You were my first kiss, technically.

The things that happened after we split caused me to basically want to kill myself 24/7. You dating Austin when you knew that I loved him. I thought you did it to spite me. Did you really like him? I cried in the school bathroom for hours when he asked you to prom with cooked he had decorated himself.

I also saw the text your mom sent you, on the bus ride to kings island for our senior trip. The one where she told you to ditch me at the trip with a laughing emoji. That really broke my heart. Your mom was like family to me. Did you tell her the truth of what happened? Did her opinion of me change so intensely because of the truth or did you tell her something else?

Talking to your dad in the parking lot before our senior prom. He called me Miss Claire, as he always did, said long time no see, and asked me about my new car. I told him I bought it for 400 dollars from a friend, and he was shook and said that’s what he paid for his first car back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. Did you tell him we weren’t friends anymore? Did he know?

Honestly, I feel a little bit like you experimented on me from childhood into our teens as you were discovering your sexuality. But I did it to you too in a completely different way. You gave me a sexuality crisis for a long time, haha. So it’s a little unnerving because I had completely forgotten it but I can hardly blame you. But as we got older it just felt like you didn’t like me as much anymore or saw me as an equal.

My life is better now. I went to a lot of therapy and stopped wanting to die. I went to college, dropped out of college, and enrolled in cosmetology school. I made new friends and resparked old ones. Honestly the best thing that came out of our relationship exploding was that I reconnected with two of my best friends from grant county and I see them often now. Courtney comes to spend the night at least 3x a month, except when she goes home for the summer. I joined several dnd groups. I met what I’m pretty sure is the love of my life and we’ve been together for almost two years now, and he’s proposing to me on our 2 year anniversary. Copy cat died in august of 2020. I got two kittens named Winter and Tobi Tangerine. I also fixed my relationship with James too, though we’re not as close as we used to be. I got older. I got less stupid. I tried to make less regrets and keep my mouth shut more. I stopped getting involved in other people’s shit and it’s benefitted me greatly.

Speaking of getting involved in other people’s shit, I did kind of lose my mind after we imploded and I did a lot of stuff to people and poked my nose where it didn’t belong. I anonymously texted Maci’s dad to tell him she regularly drove over 90 in a 55 with her feet on the dash and that I was worried for her safety. She found out because I had to ask trace for his dads number and he ratted me out and she was rightfully pissed at me for being a nosy jackass. She also told me and Becca about how bad she wanted to punch Kelsey in the face, so I told Kelsey she said that and they were both mad at me. I don’t think I would have done this stuff normally but I wasn’t in a good frame of mind and thought I was helping when I really was just ruining the friendships I had left. I figured that out later in therapy tho.

I hope you’re doing well at college. I look at you and your moms Facebook page maybe 2x a year or so, and just think about everything all over again. I saw you got a boyfriend a while ago, and I wish I could have heard you excitedly tell me about it. I wish that if our friendship did end, it would have ended peacefully with us just texting each other less and less until we simply coexisted peacefully on the edges of each’s others lives, occasionally liking each other’s Facebook post. Rather than going out in an explosion of bad decisions and bad feelings.

I hope you’re well. I hope you love the life you have now. I hope you’re at peace with who you are. I hope you’ve forgiven me. It’s ok if you haven’t. I just hope you have.”

[existentialburden]

all!! please talk about your ocs!!!!

:OOOO I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU.... (for real thank you I’m super out of it rn, assignments have me fucked up) this is goin under a read more because I am going to go OFF

who’s friends with who? what are the squad dynamics like?

okay so with my ocs let’s start with C9 in general! the entire session has a sort of tense vibe with everyone together but it’s the type where they all know if they need to they can rely on each other. it’s just the situation making them all volatile.

for squads Aila has her moirail squad with two of my pal’s ocs, Lyla and Kodi, and it’s just all comfort there. Lyla and Kodi make sure that Aila doesn’t go off and fume by herself when she’s pissed off, Kodi and Aila make sure Lyla’s not just staying in the depression hive that is her room, and Lyla and Aila make sure Kodi doesn’t hide away and sew for hours when he gets upset. it’s mostly a “get the fuck over here and socialize instead of dwelling on every bad thought” crew but sometimes it’s just about sitting in the same room as someone else. and sending memes to each other. she also considers Dukkel a friend, but that vibe is more of a “Dukkel is manipulative and Aila is too volatile to be effectively manipulated” sorta deal. they hang out though and genuinely enjoy each other’s company so I’m counting it. she’s also pals with Joel (not mine)- she does think she has a crush on him? but she’s always real unsure of these things. either way she likes being around him and he likes being around her. that vibe is “awkward but in a cute dorky way”. also friends with Hurlii (also not mine) but they’re... dating?? hate-dating??? they both refuse to pin that down but they sit under the stars and vent a little bit to each other and get out their emotions and it’s cute. I’ve written about them cuddling before it’s adorable. her and Louise swap memes sometimes so y’know what that’s a friendship too. and she talks to a group of horrorterrors who gossip about her sessionmates with her. Aila has a lot of connections because she’s the Session Leader and also she’s tiny so everyone goes “:O a baby....”. sort of the same way you let your little sibling hang out with you and your pals because they get so excited about it.

Hope is friends with a DIFFERENT pal’s oc, Kori. their vibe is also comfort and chillin. Kori reassures Hope that no, not being able to talk to people is not bad and people don’t hate you. Hope listens when Kori talks about timeline stuff and helps her take precautions to soothe her anxiety. they’re also the alchemiter squad figuring out how to make new objects all the time. they stick real close. Hope’s also pals with Kodi! Kodi actually mediates between her and Aila. Hope can cut loose a little around Kodi and ends up with a surprisingly carefree attitude around him. things are a LITTLE awkward between them but they’re buds. Kodi keeps her in check. (Hope’s also friends with Lyla, kind of? they’re hate-dating but they are so soft for each other.) she used to go play poker with some SBURB constructs but :( no more.

Fantra is moirails with Panda (just assume if they don’t end up with their own list they’re a pal’s oc okay) and they vibe. there’s a little more flirting than necessary in their friendship and they DEFINITELY cuddle. they’re actually really adorable. again, I don’t know if dating counts, but Fantra’s dating Lyla and they’re cute but still sort of figuring things out. Fantra gives Lyla all the attention she asks for and it’s adorable.

Dukkel is sort of friends with Aila but I already talked about that. she doesn’t have a lot of friends other than Ails, actually. it’s. kind of sad? but he doesn’t really go out of his way to befriend people. she has more connections, just not... positive ones.

NOT ALL OF THE ALPHAS ARE FLESHED OUT SO I SWEAR THEY HAVE MORE CONNECTIONS BUT

Mell is pals with Dott and they’re fucking chaotic. I adore them but oh jeez. Mell’s the Responsible One and she’s not responsible at all she just used to pick Dott up from parties and then hold her hostage to help redesign furbies. they’re great. actually, the entire alpha session is great because they’re all in a D&D group. Mell sometimes chats with Cole and thinks he’s alright but also a huge NERD and jokingly makes fun of him for it. Cole doesn’t mind because he is, in fact, a massive nerd. (also Mell ends up dating Lyla it’s a whole thing don’t worry about it they’re adorable)

outside of her session she’s friends with Orca in a sort of “hey this kid needs more friends. now they’re the designated little sibling of the squad” way. she teaches them cool new horrific crafts. Mell just can’t let them sit there when their two friends are busy smh come join in craft time and also here’s how to play D&D. it’s real nice!

Cole is dating Peri! they co-DM in oneshots and he fleshes out NPCs while she worldbuilds and it’s adorable. they’re soft and sweet and cuties. also chats with Mell as I said before!

ALTS: the session as a whole is messy. everything runs fine but it’s less a team and more a bunch of people forced to work together. they’re pretty good at doing things they don’t want to do, though, so gg.

Enny’s friends with Juli. Juli calls her out on her bullshit and Enny holds Juli accountable for her own messes. they’re more functional than they look. Enny is also friends with Kods (not Kodi. alt Kodi.) and they consider themselves siblings even if the specifics are a lil wild. they threaten each other but they don’t usually mean it. they care about each other. also they shared a creepypasta phase that tbh Enny never got over. she’s also kind of pals with Jess but in a “thank you for helping me keep these guys in check. in return I will not swear at you” kinda way and just. mutual understanding of being stubborn when it comes to working at things. 

outside of just the alt C9 crew (and delving into SPACE PIRATE TERRITORY): Enny’s also pals with Cece (yet another pal’s OC! the only pal mentioned that technically doesn’t work on the Official C9 Stuff but whatever I love him so much. all of the ones mentioned “outside their session″ are his <3!!!!) even though they stopped hanging out as much. Cece taught her how to paint and have a decent hobby and Enny appreciates it every day. their friendship is dear to my heart. makes me feel nice. Enny is friends with Tate too! they roomed together on the spaceship and even though they aren’t too talkative with each other sometimes that isn’t necessary. also kinda pals with Jody? they don’t hang out too much but Enny secretly thinks she’s a friend. they’re the short Light player squad. too curious for their own good. it got kinda hard for them to talk to each other in person because of an incident but Enny still thinks she’s cool and nice. and there’s Echo! Echo’s her friend and therapist who taught her how to talk about her feeeeelings. which is VERY important. everyone say thank you Echo. Enny enjoys his company and y’know it’s sometimes (SOMETIMES) nice to be totally open. hard but nice. well. it’s complicated. but thank you Echo. .....ENNY IS ALSO PALS WITH [REDACTED]. in “canon” right now they’re “rivals to acquaintances” but they have pet names for each other so what is the truth. they’re very cryptic and trade information but that means Enny’s actually very honest with him so they’re. adorable. they care a lot about each other and try to help each other when they need it. it’s so cute. I’m soft for them. they’ve always had a certain level of respect for each other and I VIBE WITH THAT. love me some respect and comfort in this house. also they totally cuddle.

Deuuuux is friends with Juli. Juli may be blunt and harsh in her humor but Deux vibes with it. she knows she’s just being snarky for the sake of being snarky. they hang out and it’s all very cool and fun. also pals with Kods, but that’s a LITTLE more strained. they still hang from time to time but it’s hard for Deux to tell when he needs his space. also hate-dating Jess but no, actually, they end up being like “wait this is stupid I don’t think I actually hate anything about you. which makes this just dating. ...heck yeah.” Jess keeps tabs on Deux’s volatile mental state and Deux makes sure SHE’S doing okay. like hey take a break. you deserve good things too.

outside of the alt C9 crew Deux is close with Wynn! they have a more sibling bond than anything else. found family. added onto this because Deux actually has a real squad, holy shit, is Echo! Deux is the Official Captain, Wynn made the spaceship they’re on, and Echo is the ship advisor. Deux goes to them when she wants a second opinion on things, which is a lot of the time. Echo is constantly side-eyeing Deux’s depression. it’s hilarious and I love them A LOT. SO MUCH. Deux and Wynn are also the ship chefs, though Wynn more so than Deux. I choose to believe they work on recipes together but that’s just me. Deux is also friends with [REDACTED 2], even if it was shaky at first. they bond over their annoyance at [REDACTED]- and they both get the feeling of being overworked and then looking over at other people goofing off. like damn, a little help here please? they’re so tired. Deux is so tired. someone give her a break.

West! is not C9, technically, but they’re still mine so :P. West is best friends with Fern and they game together. they like to try and fuck up games with West posing hypothetical glitches and Fern pulling them off. also they just hang out and it’s all fun times with them. West is also kinda pals with Alex- sometimes they hang and Alex gave West his old glasses for them to pop out the lenses and wear so that was cool of him. they just vibe and Alex thinks it’s nice that West appreciates their humor.

outside of their session they’re friends with Ulfort and Hazel! they’re a squad. Ulfort is the Responsible One, Hazel is the Bad Influence, and West is the Impressionable Chaos Enabler. I love them all. they goof and have a good time but also worry about each other and that’s real sweet. also Enny and [REDACTED] but in a parental figure sort of way so I’m only including it here and not in Enny’s- also because it’s only in certain aus. also only in certain aus is their friendship with Orca. they bond over similar excitable traits and they started out a little rocky but they’re friends!

Hazeee is also best buds with Fern! sure Haze is crushing on Fern but that doesn’t mean they aren’t pals. they support each other emotionally and also they’re totally both furries. like Fern COULD show her fursona to West and they’d support her but it’s not their interest so they don’t really know how they’re supposed to react so Fern and Haze get the fun of a mutual interest. Haze is also pals with June- xe’s Haze’s right-hand. June helps advise Haze and proposes new ideas and also teases Haze for crushing on Fern. it’s all in good fun though.

Fern is just pals with West and Haze and they’re both her best friends. no she will not rank them. she shouldn’t have to.

outside of her session sheeee’s totally in love with Ulfort and Rita. interacting with Ulfort she’s likes to try and make him flustered a lil bit. with Rita she’s much more shy about it. it’s so cute. she thinks they’re both very very pretty. this is still only in certain aus because otherwise they don’t interact... ...unless? hmu my boyyyyy show me the canon we could have had/can have [eyes emoji]

June is best friends with Alex. they thrive off their differences but June enjoys getting to just have FUN with Alex and Alex loves having support from June. they hang ALL THE TIME. they support each other and tease each other and make sure they know where the lines are. June’s also pals with Haze as mentioned above!

outside of xir sesh June’s pals/something else ;) with Orca. but like. only in certain aus. they’re. how do I describe this without getting into the aus. uh. they’re cute as hell okay? Orca spoils June and June lightly teases Orca and they’re adorable. they care about each other so so much.

Alex is besties with June and pals with West. yes he plays favorites :P.

Theo and Fate are best friends and found-family twins and they’re chaotic as a duo. Fate describes emotions to Theo and Theo describes colors to Fate and that’s adorable but Fate’s encouraging Theo to make horrorterror deals and Theo’s like what if I abused my god tier powers instead and it’s CHAOS. I love them so much. no one else they’re all they’ve got babey!

Luca is dating Elli and Julius (who are also dating) and they’re a squad all on their own. Elli and Julius are weebs and Luca makes fun of them for it but he’s the one dating them so rip. Luca loves them both so much but him and Elli have more of a “childhood friends” vibe (because they are) and Luca and Julius have a “flirt vs one very pretty boy” vibe (because that’s exactly what’s going on these aren’t vibes these are just what’s happening). they’re all ADORABLE. none of them have any other friends but specifically Luca doesn’t because he’s mine and he’s lonely. rip.

Orca is pals with/dating June as mentioned above! and pals with West! and friends with Mell!

I’m not gonna get too into the SBURB 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO squad because the friendships aren’t entirely fleshed out but Pistol and Spike are friends and Spike’s totally crushing on Pistol and it’s cute. they’re cute. I rest my case.

I’M GONNA DO THE REST OF THE QUESTIONS IN A REBLOG BECAUSE DEAR GOD.

[splazbee]

A guide to Reverse Asra (and how to avoid it)

I’ve seen some people already covering the reversed routes for the characters, but I found the need to try and understand first hand.

So, after a lot of pain, I found my way to the Reversed Asra route. There are several keys to getting it, which is the same for all the characters: feed into their bad habits and negative traits. Don’t push them to change. For Asra, those negative traits are as such: his tendency to run away, to push away the problems, isolating himself and an obsessive need to keep MC safe.

The first three are all aspects of one problem. When talking with Asra about our past, he told MC about the argument they had. Asra wanted to escape the town, leave the people to fend for themselves and him to find a safe place. He wanted to go with MC, but MC wanted to help the city. 

Here are some roots of the problem, and Asra can react in different ways. In the Upright route, Asra learns how to stand his ground in face of adversity, how to let people in and let them help. He can make MC grow. The other, Reverse reaction, is to regret even more not keeping MC safe and going to extreme heights to do so. He already gave up a part of his heart for MC to return to life, what more wouldn’t he do?

Encouraging his desire to run away, making MC look and act helpless, therefore making Asra believe MC would never survive without him, is the recipe for the disaster that is the Reverse route.

And here is why.

I went aaaall the way back to when MC and Asra went to his Sanctuary out of Vesuvia. MC is asked by Asra if they would prefer a big, bustling city, or a remote place. Answering remote appeals to his want to run away, especially with the apprentice.  Clap and a half for escapism everyone. 

The next choice is possibly not the most important in this whole scheme, but even choosing how to ride Beast can have its weight. Sitting in front is more adventurous, while sitting behind Asra? It already shows MC relies on him, in a way literally hiding behind his back.

I forgot to take my note in this choice, so i forgot where it was exactly in the midst of important choices, but it’s about MC’s dream. Telling Asra the dream about MC and him going off in a separate dimension or universe all of their own was a good one, welp, (a little maybe spoiler) lets not plant ideas in either Asra’s or MC’s head, m’kay?

Helping the villagers. While you do help them anyway, the way you go about it matters. Picking “We’re busy”, even though that is not exactly true, makes MC seem very callous, and selfish. Asra is shocked for a moment before he laughs. While picking this choice made me feel guilty, it does its job of isolating MC, and therefore Asra, from the outside world.

Next, relying on Asra to deal with the well. Again, enforcing the notion that MC needs to rely on Asra to do all the heavy lifting, and Asra, being the precious bean he is, shows once again that he would do anything for MC. This is not shaping up to be a healthy relationship people, especially for Asra.

Not taking the initiative and asking Asra to dance, and instead sitting in a faraway corner with him - isolation again.

Next the choice of going back directly to the palace, or first visiting the shop - this is avoiding the problems, leaving them for later. Running away from them. Not literally, not yet, but going there.

Meeting Muriel is the next on the chopping block. The most important bit is MC’s reaction to meeting him - whether MC is happy to meet him, or feeling nervous. Choosing nervous shows an unwillingness to meet new people, slight suspicion of them, and most importantly - a dependency on Asra.

Following this is MC’s opinion on Asra and Muriel. The choices being “Good thing you got away” and “Good thing you had each other”, based on previous statements, it’s written right there on the box which answer makes it more likely to get the Reverse route.

When Asra is confronted about his vanishing habit by Julian, MC saying “You’re always there for me” sounds suspiciously supportive, but it isn’t really, not in the long run. Telling Asra he has a vanishing-into-lands-unknown problem right in his face provokes change. In a positive direction, god forbid. I’m saying this sarcastically, but while he cares about Muriel, Nadia and Julian, if MC tells him to do something, he will follow it to the dot. Telling him he is always there for us just keeps him blind to his faults.

And so, we reach THE TRIAL. Picking the choice of Asra telling the people he’s innocent? Nicely packaged, but ultimately a bad decision. Asra keeps his secrets close to his chest, and while we all love this floofy boy, it is a fact he has quite the dark side. So he also lies. Condoning that is not okay. Him telling the truth challenges him. It’s against him. But he trusts MC, so when MC wants him to tell the truth, he changes. He grows.

Next up, MC asking Nadia to stop the fight is a bad choice, though I don’t believe it to be such a major one. But it shows one thing: no matter how much MC relies on Asra, they don’t truly believe in him or his abilities. This exact thing will play its role again in a later choice.

The next few choices are a bit foggy for me. I’m pretty sure in the next choice, picking “Let me help” is an Upright choice. Because wow, MC doesn’t want to rely on Asra and actually tries to be equal with him, like a healthy relationship should be? Whaaat?

When asked by Asra what MC would do in his place, I am confused as to which one is the Reverse choice. To me personally, “I’d do anything” seems to validate everything Asra has done for us, making it a situation of ends-justify-the-means. While I’m very happy that he did resurrect MC, because we wouldn’t have a story without that, it may push him into thinking that its always all in when it comes to MC. Pushing his protectiveness into an obsession.

“Why am I here?” and the “...” option seem to be the next Reverse choices. The first one shows that MC is still relying on heir teacher to explain things to them, a bit of naivete that kindles at Asra’s protectiveness. It’s a similar situation with “...” MC has no idea how to react, and need Asra to support them.

I’ll be shorter for the next choices, as this is getting quite long. “Did it change you?” seems to be the next Reverse choice, because “I’d do the same for you” is supportive, but i could be wrong here, as I was very conflicted. Trying to cancel the Masquerade is again avoidance of problems and running away. When it’s about Faust the “You’d do the same for me” seems to be the reverse choice. To me it feels like MC implies they don’t really care about Faust, and who would be so mad as to not like her, amirite?

Next up, dealing with the Devil. I picked No for his first offer, and then yes after he made Faust vanish. He confusion and fear broke me. Next I chose to tell the Devil that indeed, the Masquerade was enjoyable, but now we are so far into this Reverse hell, I don’t even know if it matters anymore. The next choice is very transparent - MC telling Asra they can’t do this alone after MC is left stranding in the Half world (what was the term for it again?)

Trusting Scout and telling the Magician MC doesn’t feel safe with him also aren’t very obvious to me.

Next up - Asra’s confession!!!  I trembled as, when in the face of his declaration, I made MC stutter out an “I... um...” Get yourself together MC, this boy needs love.

Magic realm time! Choosing the “I just want this to be over” shows the now infamous in this essay need to escape and get away, preferably to some isolated place. When confronted with the magic chains, “Find a safer path” shows MC unwillingness to stand up to adversity, and, well, a lack of courage. How will MC deal with the Devil is now beyond me (pun not intended, but the foreshadowing is too good for me to redact this).

Interactions with Asra’s parents. As with Muriel, an unwillingness to meet and trust new people, no matter how close they may be to Asra, must be shown. To me shaking hands seems more impersonal, and later not commending the spell Asra’s dad crafted. When in a timed choice attacking the tree is too straightforward, so the Reverse answer should be when MC goes into ‘helpless’ mode and just going “what do we do?!” Then right after, unwillingness to trust Asra’s dad to heal us, making Asra do it, and the poor boy is so jittery and nervous and afraid and stressed he can’t cast the magic fully and/or correctly.

Here comes LUCI! Asra presents MC with the idea of trapping Lucio. And here comes that point from waaaaaay back up at the gladiator battle, where MC doubted his abilities and his decisions. Picking “I’m not so sure...” and then completely disregarding Asra’s advice about approaching the water, shows a complete lack of faith in Asra, unwillingness to listen to him and sealing the deal of his protectiveness of MC turning into an obsession.

SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 20

Finally, we have come to the Reversed route. Asra goes completely into a tunnel vision mode. Where in the Upright path, he suggests we use MCs blood to give the immunity of our magic to all the guests of the arcane feast, in the Reversed path he completely focuses on running away. Asking where we should run, the oasis or the shop, trying to find the right way in the maze. 

At a moment he says “... we can escape. Make sure the ritual fails. That’s... that’s all we can do now.” and when Muriel’s charm starts to completely give out Asra says “You can escape. Run far away, live your life...” In answer to MC choosing to say “I don’t think I can”, he apologizes. 

“I... I’m so sorry, MC. I wanted to protect you, but...”

Everything we started with. His desire to escape, run to a faraway place, protecting MC. All traits present thorough the story, fed by choices of at least 11 books. This is what causes the Reversed end.

He turned into a scared, helpless wreck of a man, desperate and trapped in his needs. And even if at the table, MC finally tries to take a stand and use Magic, its finally revealed why we can do what we can do, but seriously, we all knew we were the Fool already. Even then, MC has go make a deal with the Devil.

This is the end of this long, long essay. I’ll probably make a summarized version of this. More people will be inclined to reach the end at least :D