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youremyonlyhope · 3 years

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Starship Rewatch

10 years ago today (well, yesterday since I’m posting it a day later), 15 year old Hope curled up on her couch to watch a new StarKid show called Starship right as it dropped. This was the first time I got to watch a show when it was posted since I didn’t become a StarKid fan until a months earlier. I was so excited.

And now, I’m rewatching Starship for the first time in full in at least 5 years I think. I listened to the soundtrack twice earlier today, singing along at my desk at work (thank god no one else was here tonight to judge me). I still know so many of the lyrics. And so many little jokes and stuff were flooding back. Starship was my favorite StarKid show for a long time, so I’m so excited to watch this again to see if it’s still my fave.

This post ended up being really long, so you’ve been warned. But it also includes pictures of the crocheted Roach and Bugette plushies that I made as a teen.

OH. THE OLD LOGO. AHHH. I already have so many feels. The future is now! I can’t handle this. The nostalgia! The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. My facebook account to this day says I am a Starship Ranger at the G.L.E.E. because I’ve never bothered to change it. Also, shoutout to anyone from the StarKidPotter FB and EFST days if you’re reading this. AHHH IT’S CHRIS AND ERIC. Ok I might have to pause 20 thousand times during this Starship Ranger ad to acknowledge all the StarKid cameos. Tyler! “We come to conquer... in peace!” Tyler I love you. Brian and Richard! I forgot they painted Richard BLUE. Britney and Ariel! Nicholas Joseph Stauss-Matathia! I see that StarKid’s website has shortened his name to just Nicholas Strauss but remember the days when we’d purposefully say his full name? Anyway, I literally just screamed “NICK” when I saw him because he was always one of my faves. The Old Snatch was and still is iconic. Devin and Lily! The Wizard God himself, AJ Holmes. God... remember those AJ Holmes appreciation days where we’d make Chuck Norris-like memes about AJ? So much is rushing back from the depths of my mind oh my god... It’s been so long yet it feels like yesterday... “Someone really *static* F- *static* -ucked up big time” Love it.

2 minutes and 22 seconds in. I’ve written so much. I had to pause before Joey started singing to take a moment. I love this show so much. I love these goofballs so much. And they’re all so young. Most of them are younger than I am now. This is insane.

Ok I have to promise myself not to pause as much now. *Spoiler, I failed*

“I’ll fight off this gamma radiation if it’s the last thing I ever do!... We’re going down! This is the last thing I’ll ever do!” Oh my god. Look at baby Joey. He hasn’t even graduated from college yet. And that Bug puppet! Someone remind me to dig up the pictures of my crocheted plushies of Starship puppets since I made Roach and Bugette and gave them to the StarKids at SPACE and Apocalyptour. (I also did Rumbleroar, but the bugs were my own pattern I made so I was more proud) The camera is focused in on Bug instead of Joey’s face. I love it. So much. Brannnttttttt. My god. Am I gonna freak out over every single entrance? Roach pretending to die, he’s the best friend ever. “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.” “Or the one bug, I know.” Oh man, when that line comes back... “Dirt eater” “Exoskeleton polisher” “I wanna build honeycombs” “The bug that ruins your picnic” “A fly on the wall!” That line came back to me earlier today and I died. Remembering that line was like 50% of the reason I listened to the soundtrack today.

Nick Lang! Julia! LAUREN LOPEZ. THERE SHE IS. Lovebugs, I can’t. *Sentimental music* “You could come over to my nest and I could... tear off your head and let my larva devour your body?” How did I forget that line? The way Lauren has to kick Bugette’s larva sack to walk. But the way that it also works so well with the character. I can’t. The Mosquito Brothers!! I forgot they show up so early. “This is our sister, Sweetheart” “...YO.” I CANNOT HANDLE JIM POVOLO. The “zzzz”s like buzzing as backing vocals instead of the usual “ahs” and “oohs.” The things you don’t appreciate until years later. Darren, you genius. That is such a good detail. For a second I couldn’t remember who the Overqueen is played by. 99% sure it’s Jim (It is). Also. Overqueen like ovary... and it looks like a giant vagina. That had to be pointed out to me later. “FLATTERY WILL GET YOU... everywhere.” Why did I forget that line too? “I’m a starship ranger” “Quiet you, you’re drunk” “No I’m drunk!” I remembered that line probably like... 2 minutes earlier when I noticed Joe huddling in the background and realized that line was coming up. The way Joey lets go of the puppet so both he and the puppet walk away with their arms limp... so cute.

Before even pressing play on part 3, I can hear February saying “Let the record show I am super ahead of schedule.” and I’m dying. I forgot about Brian as the escape pod. Denise Donovan! That Star Trek prop. I’m dumb so I can’t remember if it’s a communicator or what. But I know my Uhura Barbie had a mini one that I lost within a month probably. “OxyGen” “Schience” I can’t. “Mission Log... I think I just heard a spooky noise.” How am I forgetting all of these amazing lines? “Pika-pi!” AHHH I JUST SCREAMED. “My stars, I seemed to have landed in a field of these aMiNals!” I can’t. “Can I tell you guys something?” *port de bras and falls gently to the ground* “Hello!” “TOTORO!” I’m dead. The balloon mechanism on the mosquitos! I forgot about that! “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUUUUGGGGG” Ok something I noticed but didn’t mention earlier. The bug puppet that Joe uses when he says “I had my heart set on nourishment” is the same one red and pink one that Julia used when talking about wanting to be nourishment. When Julia actually gets eaten, she’s using a different bug puppet, the green and pink one, but the same character voice. So, I can’t tell if they intentionally had her play 2 bugs so Joe could be one of them later, or if it was a mistake. I might also just be overthinking things. “ME THINKS IT WENT THAT-A-WAY” I cannot handle Jim Povolo. That scream Joe does as he slimes her. Woah I originally wrote “There seems to be no signs of intelligent lifeforms anywhere” earlier and then deleted it since I don’t know why I found it remarkable. And then looking at the comments of this part I see someone mentioned a Toy Story reference. So that’s why that line stuck out to me. Aww StarKid. There are so many Disney references in this show.

THERE SHE IS. THERE’S MY GIRL TAZ. The pew pew effects how could I forget that! “Hey Taz. You’re pretty tough for a chick.” “I was just going to say the same thing about you.” “Woahhhhhhhh” JoMo oh my god. “My spectrometer readings are off the wazooooooo” That line kills me. Why am I JUST NOW noticing, 10 years later, that Tootsie enters this scene with his gun facing the wrong way. Oh my god. “I saw the empirical proof that science killed god. It’s comforting to know he was once alive though. I like to think that when he died, he went to heaven.” Oh Tootsie Noodles. “...What the hell kind of name is that?” “He’s got bear hands??” Why do I forget all of these lines??!? That record scratch and freeze frame to go “BOOOOOO” oh my god I forgot that. “Like the other day, he was in the cafeteria, just cah-rying in front of everybody.” BOOOOOOO. Here we go, Taz’s amazing Up monologue. “And when Up, cuts an onion, the ONION is the one who cry.” HELP. Also 99% sure I used that joke for AJ appreciation at least one year. “Now take a walk off my knife” What a line. So awesome. I remember having a profile pic on FB that was the text of that monologue and the image of Lauren screaming “WALK IT OFF” I’m still convinced that first “WOO” from the audience that we hear when Up enters is Darren. “I do not peepee sitting down” “Huh??” JoMo’s face as if he’s trying his hardest not to laugh and I can’t tell if that’s him breaking character or if Krayonder is actually trying not to laugh. “I peepee like big boy, deadgoddamnit. So stop making fun of me because it hurts my feelings” I’m dying. Also, deadgoddamnit is amazing. “if you don’t go out there and die for something, then I will kill you for nothing.” I remembered the mirror scene, just seconds before it started and already started laughing. “You’re not a failure, overall.” “Allow me to introduce you to the final member of your team. MegaGirl!” I forgot how DRAMATIC that was. I also forgot that’s how MegaGirl comes into the story.

I need to stop pausing every 5 seconds oh my god I’ll never finish this tonight if I don’t.

“All hail AstroBoy” That was the funniest line. “MegaGirl, can you kill humans?” “No. But I’d like to.” I can’t handle it. “A horse ate my cousin! Me and horses got a feud.” #1 MegaGirl doing the “I’m watching you” hand sign. I can’t. “Hey. Miráme. *Slaps* NOW ESCHUCHAME” amazing. “Or that time. You taught me calculus... CALCULUS WAS TOUGH.” I never went past pre-calc. Nope. Ah. Get Back Up. One of my fave songs. “And now we dance.” Dylan’s “OW” as they lean back. “Ok Idiotas. Say something nice. Or I will kill you.” It’s all so iconic.

“So you still think being an egg planter is lame?” “...Yes.” The larva oh my god. I forgot we see one before the end. That’s Jaime playing the larva I think. Life is definitely one of my all-time favorite StarKid songs to this day. I wish it was longer. I love it so much. And I love that its instrumental is scattered as a motif throughout the show. “It’s a short, small thing we lead. With so much potential, pointless or essential, which one can I be?” Wow. Near Pippin levels of giving me an existential crisis. Also wow Joey improved his singing so much between AVPS and Starship. “My name’s Bug” “*Gasp!* Like a bug??” “Uh... no.” “Good. I’m February, like the month, but a person.” I should start saying that honestly. “I’m Hope, like the concept, but a person.” “You boldly go where every man -hey- woman -bark woof- or data dog has ever gone before! Sorry K9DX” Adorable. Joey’s subtle little double nod he makes the Bug puppet do when he’s shocked she thinks he’s a Starship Ranger. Amazing. Ah he said goddamn not deadgoddamn! February should have known right then he wasn’t human! “Take my claw” that too. "The only thing that needs to rest are your jokes, because they are so tired.” “Woahhhhhh” No but like... why don’t I use that line in everyday life... “Now I am slightly less weak.” “Ok. I’m going to shoot this metal bitch!” I’m dying. How did I forget the Taz/MegaGirl rivalry?? “That thing is a R-O-B-O-T man” “Can’t fool me with numbers, Krayonder.” I’m dead. “The stack of hay was my cousin!” #2 The way Meredith says “barometric pressure” is great. And Tootsie saying “Well you must take real good care of it, because I never would have guessed.” He’s such a sweetheart. “Nobody shoot dammit, nobody shoot.” “KILL KILL KILL” I never really liked Hideous Creatures but it’s so cute to see MegaGirl do the choreo robotically. I love that the Gap hasn’t changed. “Cool it skank, you do not know me.” Another line that I forgot until a split second before it was said. I’m so glad whoever edited this added some pews going in the wrong way for Tootsie’s gun. I know I definitely noticed Tootsie’s gun was backwards during this part, but I don’t know if I noticed it was backwards in that very first scene too. I forgot about MegaGirl tossing out Specs. That “MEGAGIRL!!!” scream from Joe though.

“Never in my 6 long days of life.” Underappreciated joke. Also, I think this is the 4th unique upright bug puppet. We got red/pink, green/blue, green/pink, and now red/blue. Also, Nick Lang is a great puppeteer. “Yes, I helped her escape. But I swear, never in a million years, did I think I’d be caught and yelled at for it!” Oh I forgot Bugette is the witness. Jaime’s angry face behind Joey is killing me. “He didn’t know the humans were evil.” “Oh, they’re not.” “Shut up!” Humoons and hoomans. “And no more singing or dancing” *gasps of horror* “The Overqueen has overspoken.” “Well, that’s not gonna help your chances with Bugette” Oh Roach. “PERHAPS.” Jim destroys me.

God the 4-person Pincer puppet. Amazing. Dylan’s arms being strong enough to be above his head for 10 minutes straight. Amazing. Also, Nick Lang is so emotive as a claw. It took me a sec but yeah JoMo is the tail. “There were? Where are they?” Joey’s face. “Tell me all about her” The claws under the chin I can’t. Hey StarKid, I see you throwing in an ad mid-video before Kick It Up a Notch. You’re lucky I love and support you guys. “Put ‘em together and what have you got?” bibbity boppity boo. More Disney references! This scene is full of them. Man, remember when we were all blown away by Dylan’s voice in this song the first time? Like we could tell he could sing in AVPM/S, but his songs were just so jokey and only his long “Welcooooooooooome” showed us his talent. But then Kick It Up a Notch happened. And we FINALLY appreciated Dylan’s beautiful voice. “I pushed it to the limit.” and “To coin a phrase, be a man.” more Disney. I might be overthinking this and will have to rewatch Life to confirm, but I think the camera zooming out as Pincer reprises Life is just like the camerawork when Bug sang it originally. If so, then wow even when filming their shows StarKid really thinks it all through. (Update: It totally is referencing the original zooms for Life and that’s amazing. Except it’s zooming out instead of in. I LOVE the attention to detail even in filming the show. I’m gonna guess that’s Liam’s doing.) All I can see when I hear Bug’s chorus of this song is Jaime and her SPACE tour dancing, which they incorporated in Apocalyptour as actual choreography. Because they’re goofballs. The kick line. Love it. God. Even though it’s not my favorite song from Starship (just because I love Life and Beauty more), Kick It Up A Notch is one of the best StarKid has ever done. I really has everything. Dylan’s gorgeous voice. Not one but two reprises of earlier songs to throw Bug’s own words back at him. Jim’s bass line. Awesome puppets. Disney references. It’s so amazing. I love how all the comments are either about Dylan’s voice or Dylan’s ability to hold his arms up for a 10+ minute scene or both.

"Gameover man, gameover!” “I feel like cutting open your belly, and filling it with jelly” *Gasps* Oh my god, I put on the captions for a second, and the caption said *Sad spayed puppy noises* “I am in charge of this mission now.” How did I forget about the mustache until 2 seconds before it happened? “She’s got the mustache now. *Kisses head* I love you” Oh my god Tootsie. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SECOND STACHE. There’s an ad right when we see Bug’s human form and I can’t even care because look at him! Ahhh. And the blue headband! Ahhhhh. Joey you’re so adorableeeee. “Bug? Well that’s a fine name.” His concerned face then the relief. Adorable. “Thank you sir. I am a tough bitch.” “Getting nothing but bug muff?!?” I love the slight delay the audience has before laughing as they realize what was just said. “Bug. You hard, ese. You flame.” I die. “Up there. In Space!” *dramatic pointing* No I totally didn’t just do the dramatic pointing with them... no that’s not in my muscle memory from 10 years ago... why would you think that. I’ll rave about Status Quo after it’s done. “But, what if I miss you?” Awwwwwwwww. And that “Just look up.” screenshot was used for “This.” memes in the fandom for years.

Oh Joey. Status Quo is such a good song too. And he really did improve as a singer to sing it. Earlier this week I remembered that this week is also the 10th anniversary of that time Darren was hopping from city to city every single day to promote the Warblers album. And at one point in that week he did a livestream that I remember rushing home to watch. In that livestream, I am 99% sure he sang Status Quo as a little sneak preview for Starship being released later that week. (Just checked, yep he sang it in a livestream on April 20 2011) God I love this song. Then the version the boys all sang for SPACE Tour was beyond beautiful too. Ahhh I love this musical.

Ok. It’s almost midnight. I started this 3 hours ago. I’m probably not finishing the show until 2am at the rate that I’m pausing and stopping to comment. But OH WELL.

“Dr. Spaceclaw” wow. “Leaving them behind was of little consequence, but a pleasure.” Oh Megagirl. “You did a very good job today too, son.” “*Gasp* Thanks dad.” That Star Wars fake-out though. Speaking of Star Wars, I really need to rewatch Ani now that I’m actively a Star Wars fan unlike last time when I still wasn’t invested in the movies I just watched them. How did I forget about Jaime playing Junior’s new mom?? ...Does Junior get an alien incubating in his chest... is that foreshadowing... I can’t remember. (This was like... half a foreshadow) This scene is funnier now that Breredith is married. The way Junior says “Phew” I’m dead. I remembered how they restrain MegaGirl once again 2 seconds before it happened oh my god. “We deserve bubbles on our skin.” An iconic line. “Well thank the long dead god you made it, Bug!” The crunching of the handshake, I can’t. Oh someone in the comments pointed out that Bug and February are doing the Tarzan hand thing while Up’s asking Taz to see a movie. Adorable.

Get yourself a man like Tootsie who won’t stand for you talking down about yourself. “Maybe this was all part of God’s plan. He made before he died.” I love the dead god jokes. I remember years ago some kid on facebook was like “The dead god jokes are offensive” and I was like “It’s a sci-fi musical about a bug in a human body but sure worry about god being dead.” but probably in an even more immature answer. I’m just mesmerized by Tootsie and MegaGirl’s verses. God. The first Dylan and Meredith duet. Amazing. And MegaGirl’s confused face is great. “Don’t press that button, or we’ll all be sucked into space.” So... Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Oh shoot... ok wait no I’ll comment on that when we get there. God that is such a cute love song. I wrote barely anything just because I love that song so much. Would love to know where Tootsie’s taking her though.

Oh my god this scene! I forgot about this. How could I forget this. “Well the world always looks a little bit brighter, from on top of a lap.” I had remembered Bug sitting on Up’s lap, but not Specs. This is the part I forgot. Adorable. Ahhhh so cute. The Specs/Krayonder relationship was apparently cut from the filmed version, but was present if you saw it live. These moments are adorable. And I love how this is the second person JoMo’s had to carry in this show since he also carried Denise earlier. “Why if it isn’t Bug, my oldest friend.” and “Don’t say that, my dear.” are adorable. Oh wait. Up sat on Bug’s lap. Not the other way around. Ok. I didn’t remember this scene as well as I thought I did. I’m dying. I didn’t want to write anything during this, but oh my god “That son of a bitch Optimus Prime” I forgot that. I love the audience’s reaction to “The entire right side of my body, it’s a robot” because they all gasp, and then laugh at themselves for gasping. I knew there was something he couldn’t do without crying. I didn’t remember it being “Sir I Wanna Buy These Shoes” Christmas Song. It’s ok Up, I haven’t listened to that song in full in years. I can’t handle it. But Christmas songs in general make me cry too. Oh Up said goddamn instead of deadgoddamn too. Hmm... Aww the mother spider story. “I think the old you was just killing out of hate.” “Oh I was.” I’m dying. Awwww the nose kiss. I definitely remembered that. “Deadgodspeed soldier!” The way Joey misses catching the keys and also Darren’s “Woo!” in the audience again. So great. That 12 minute scene is just adorable and the Up story is so dramatic and hilarious.

Hmm finishing before 2am might be ambitious... “Hahaha. Then I’ll shoot him!” “Taking care of my business down on the planet is that cool with you?” Brian’s delivery of that line has always intrigued me. “How much I care about my MegaGirl unit’s survival is also a percent equivalent to zero” Rude. “You are nothing like my boyfriend, Tootsie Noodles.” “Yes, well - wait WHAAA” This scene is so different now that they’re married. “Ha. Ha. It was cute.” “You’re... a toaster.” *Slaps* Ok 1) I used to use that insult all the time and only half ironically. I was a strange teenager. 2) She just hurt a human... isn’t that against programming, or can she just not kill humans? Evil angry Brolden is something we need more of. I love Brian as a villain. More please. “You stupid goddamn robot” So I guess they say goddamn and deadgoddamnit. I’m overthinking the evolution of language in this universe. Also Brian’s screams while being choked are amazing. I’ve never forgotten those, if anything they’re better now.

AHHHH I REFRESHED AND DELETED ALL OF MY STUFF FOR BEAUTY. Kill me. I’m so mad. Let me try to recreate it but I hate myself. I was saving this draft after every part but OF COURSE I don’t save after my favorite song and then refresh.

Oh poor Meredith. Her white wig doesn’t let her blend in as much when she’s in the hoodies playing a bug. “Oh hey Bugette, we’re just trying to get Bug laid!” That bug had to know about Bugette’s crush though? That’s just cruel. “The ending is killer” ruuuuuuddddddddddeee. I know I had at least one more point, but that’s lost to the ether. Beauty is probably my fave, if not tied with Life. When I was listening to it earlier, I was overcome with emotion because it’s just such a joyful song. These days I cry over happy stuff almost as much as I cry over the sad. And these lines just hit so hard... I love it. I love this song so much and this scene so much. “Bug. She excreted her filth for you. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!” Brant Cox is so good. It really is a shame he’s not in anything else besides AVPSY and the 10th Anniversary with everyone else. “I do accept you for who you really are. A genius.” Well February, you’ll be glad to know that you thought of that, so you’re the genius. Wow. Junior’s 25, Brian was 25, and now I’m 25. This really was perfect timing for the 10th anniversary. Also I do not feel 25. “Suck off!” amazing.

I’M SAVING THIS TIME.

Ok next part. Luckily I was only 1 minute into the next part when I refreshed. Still so mad at myself... “Someone really firetrucked up big time” (Dead)God I love that line. I also used firetruck unironically. Once again, I was a strange teenager and I didn’t like cursing and I still don’t. “This is so weird, I’m so used to the scrambly version.” (It was while writing this line the first time that I refreshed and lost Beauty....) Ok as I watch AJ, it’s hitting me that he almost definitely came to the set during rehearsals and filmed his part since it’s not a green screen like the rest of them. “The hunters have become the hunted, and it’s wabbit season.” “That was a good video, until the end when it got sad.” Thanks Bug. “I think, I just had a think” See February’s smart. “I’m in a weird situation” Love that line. “Bug is a BUG!? I DON’T BELIEVE IT” Oh Junior. Dylan’s insulted face at “I am not... a dumbass.” So I can’t tell if Brian forgets he’s trapped when he moves his arms into a more relaxed position to lean on the column and then puts them back, or if it’s purposefully staged that way. Brian’s acting while he pretends to be shy and embarrassed about his evil plan is amazing and adorable. Brian has a good evil laugh, why don’t we get him as a villain more often? Also I was gonna make some sort of joke about Nick as Pincer’s left claw vs. Robert as Snarl’s left paw, but I’ll leave it be.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WEIGHT TAZ WAS LIFTING JUST FLOATING UP TO THE SKY WHEN SHE LETS GO. I just laughed out loud. “Damn that G.L.E.E. They’re always making twisted abominations of everything!!” I cannot handle it. And the wink. Poor Darren but also not poor Darren at all. I was just now WRACKING my mind for who could possibly be playing Pincer’s tail if JoMo was being devoured by mosquitos. It’s Brant. Literally the entire cast is currently onstage. Ok Krayonder’s been getting his blood drained for 3 minutes, why is he alive? OH I FORGOT KRAYONDER GETS UP AND SHOOTS THE BUGS. Ok and he gets chopped by Pincer’s claws too so HOW does he survive? StarKid answer!!! I forgot how dramatic this musical gets when you got both the bugs and MegaGirl coming after the humans. Aww the Vulcan salute from Specs. “I changed my name. To Tootsie... MegaGirl.” I love the reactions of the people in the audience who immediately realize what that means. I hear at least one “oh my god” that sounds like sobbing. Awwwww Tootsie’s “that’s real” speech and “I’d love you if you was the horse that ate my cousin.” (#3) just... get yourself a man like Tootsie MegaGirl. He is perfection. God the downloading love scene is so cute. I can’t handle it.

The Up saving Taz scene is so dramatic. Then Brian and Jim just calmly walk offstage. It kills me. Also why did Jaime just continue to lie there? “I just needed to learn how to kill with my heart.” Not exactly what Bug meant, but it works. God Taz climbing onto Up’s back is still the most hilarious thing ever. Whoever thought of her climbing that way was a genius. So funny. I always wanted to try it. Holding the gun up to her head like a blowdryer always gave me anxiety. Making the door out of a scrim that can be backlit was genius. Oof and bringing back “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs. Or the one bug.” just hurts. Poor Bug. My heart. This is probably the line that sticks with me to this day and I do think about sometimes.

Ok it’s now 2am and I still have 2 more parts.

I sorta love that Joey didn’t have the time to change into his blacks so he’s still in the Starship Ranger suit while playing the Bug puppet. “Save the Overqueen. I love her.” Awww. “Roach, I’m gonna get the job done if it’s the second last thing I do.” Love it. That Kick It Up A Notch Reprise though. Brian, you should play villains more often. Also remember all of us being like “LUPIN CAN SING?!?!?!??!!” “Lucky for me, God is dead. When you see him in hell, tell him Junior sent you.” Deadgod I love that line. This whole deadgod thing was just leading up to that amazing line. Oh no Bugette! Bug saying “maestro” oh my god. “DFSDSJFDSJKFDS... I’m dead.” I forgot that part! Oh my god the way Brian flicks the glasses back down on his face. Ok so I saw Lauren wiggle her way behind the mucus sac, but I didn’t see Nick come onstage. I rewinded, and I guess the zoom in shots on Brian and Joey were timed so we can’t see Nick join Lauren to be the first larva to come out. Oh well. And I love the crowd cheering as Junior dies. “And bingo was his name-o” That callback though. I forgot that the Overqueen eats Bugette’s body while crying. “Or Bugette! Oh...” Also god Roach is adorable.

Last part. 2:21am. Here we go. Krayonder got his blood sucked out by giant mosquitos and was cut up by a giant scorpion, but all he needs is a bandage around his head. Awwww the soft “I Wanna Be” playing the background as Bug begs the team to accept his bug form. Bug being so mad “It’s that bastard Pincer isn’t it?” and then being so happy that Joey does the little nose scrunch thing. So cute. JOEY’S FACE WHEN DENISE KISSES THE BUG PUPPET. Cannot believe I forgot that until 2 seconds before it happened too. “I now pronounce you man vs. machine. Fight!” WOAH. Why in the WORLD did “eep op ork ahah” come back to me. I was able to say it WITH Joey. That was straight from the DEPTHS of my teenage brain oh my god. I forgot about that oh my GOD. THAT’S INSANE. I FORGOT SO MUCH STUFF BUT I REMEMBERED HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN BUG.

And the Beauty reprise.

God I love this musical. It’s still my fave StarKid show I think. And I’m horrified to see that it has only 500K views for the last part, so only 500K people have watched it all the way through after 10 years. That’s disgraceful. It’s amazing. Watch Starship.

It is 2:32am. I started at 8:50pm. Got sidetracked when I had to rewatch the Beauty part of Act 2 again to make sure I got my notes back in the post. Took a few bathroom breaks. But this is mostly because I paused every like 10 seconds to make a comment, so it took 5 and a half hours to watch a 3 hour musical. This why I take forever to watch things while liveblogging. I take too long to writing notes.

I’ll probably just post this in the morning. Gotta proofread for mistakes before posting.

Ok it’s the next afternoon. This post is literally 5,000+ words and takes 20 minutes to read according to a online word counter. I’m sorry to whoever read this entire thing. Your reward is the pictures of the Starship plushies I crocheted when I was 15 and 16.

(Ignore the bad lighting and my horribly chipped paint. That’s the only picture I have of the Bugette one since I gave it to Lauren Lopez a day later. I started making another for myself shortly after but never finished. Maybe I should finally finish the second one... hmm...)

#hope rewatches starkid #guys i'm not kidding it's 5000+ words i wrote a lot i commented on basically every single second of this 3 hour musical

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lockdownuk · 4 years

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Lockdown Diary Part 10

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online. Day 271: Work was dominated by Qfiniti again, including a meeting with Jon and staff from the States, where I found my self taking control to get the next steps in process (and then, Dave Stewart, the SCCM engineer fucked off and put an OOO message on Teams telling me he’s off until Tuesday (it’s Thursday)...and I am off on Monday!) But, I have to say this project does float my boat. Got a text message and then a call from PCH for another laser eye appt this coming Monday at 12.30pm. I mentioned to the lady that phoned that I will have to square it with work (I won’t, but she doesn’t know that) as I can’t afford to lose my job - it just seems the hospital, while under pressue with the admin and the clinic availability - I get it! - just aren’t seeing the issues for the patients. Plus, Peterborough has been declared a Tier 3 from Sunday under the new lockdown scheme, the highest tier. Great...I really want to travel to a highly infected area! managed to find an online booze shop that does Gordon’s and Famous Grouse and will deliver beforee Chrimbo, so I’ve placed the order for dad and Rita’s gift. I spoke with Dad today, he hasn’t heard about his vaccination yet which is a surprise (he’s in the first draft being over 80)

Day 272: Typing on day 273. Work was that manic shit at the end of the dya when I’ve got time off. I am only off on Moday but still had to tie up loose ends, complictaed further by Jon being off next week and Sueanne off this week and the Qfiniti project! In the evening I only mamaged three beers. I ate too much. Plus my sugars were all over the place and way too high! I ordered a torch a couple of days ago (£17), it arrived today. It takes rechargeable batteries or 3 AAAs. Apparently, to get the best performance (i.e. brightness) you need the rechargeable batteries in it, so i charged ‘em. Fucking hell, I’m glad I did - it’s brighter than the sun. It opens up my late walks in winter, for sure.

Day 273: While it was a very late (but sober) night yesterday (gone 4am before lights out) I was up before midday. Usual walking etc. plus gave the bathroom a clean (albeit with wipes, but I did mop the floor - and used the water to also mop the kitchen). Now I am about to stick a pizza in the oven, plus wedges (to have with microwaveable chip shop curry sauce) and watch This Is 40 which is coincidentally on telly tonight - the coincidence being clips of it are on TikTok a lot right now. I am on my second beer and am going to have a smoke right now as well. Lastly for this entry, I have been using my AudioPro speaker today, it pisses me off it’s not WiFi capable but, thru Bt, it does sound fucking good - revisiting James works very well to demonstrate the speaker’s prowess.

Day 274: I have another Paypal a/c. I have been getting emails to my standard gmail account from Paypal saying they are going to charge me £9 for an inactive account which I have been largely ignoring since my paypal a/c has a specific email address. Anyway, I tried to log in, after a password reset and, hey presto, I do have another one, with £35 in it, having just been fleeced of £9 for the aforementioned inactivity, fuckers. It’s registered with the old Market Place address and phone. When I try to transfer the £35 to my card, it wants to confim it’s me by calling the phone, which I can’t amend. Oh, and you can’t contact Paypal direct. Fuck knows what to do! Other than that, usual Sunday, a tad more relaxed since I have tomorrow off, but not that much now I have an eye appointment in Tier 4 Peterborough (it’s been up’d from tier 3)! Up at 1.30 pm (I watched This is 40 and The Guvners last night with lots of beer), feeling worse for wear but, stair climb and a 6 miler acheived!

Day 275: I was at the hospital for 3 hours. The laser clinic didn’t start until 1.30pm so, why my appointment was at 12.20, not even the consultant could understand. 15 minutes of lasering - horrible but I am used to it. It took so long it pretty much fucked my day off up completely. I got a Christmas card from Karen, in the actual post, so, a mail shot. It’s depressing.

Day 276: Back to work and it’s definitely in wind down mode. I’ve decided to compile a list of things I have done this year. It will be on the postive side, such as all the steps I’ve walked and getting an article published about my photography, but it will also include randon facts like getting bitten by a dig twice and not having a haircut. I’ll get it done so I can post in at new year, hopefully be a little inspiring, a little silly and a lot of showing off!

Day 277: Work, again, was quiet. It’s fucking pissing down now, as I type at 21:50, and has been all day. It’s causing havoc and there’s flooding everywhere. I could walk down St. Peter’s Road tonight ‘cos of it (had to go up New Road, Springfield Road, down Latham Road). Soaked a lunhtime and tonight! With a new variant of Coronavirus, France stopped frieght crossing the border. That’s now been resolved but tyeh back log has/is affecting certain food stocks in the shops, of which, fresh veg might affect me for Christams dinner (I plan to do a chicken breast with stuffing, pigs in blankets, yorkshire pud and shed loads of veg. I’ll nip to Co-Op tomorrow morning and see what’s vaialble. It’s a half day at work ‘cos of Christmas Eve, so I can nip out somewhere in the car if need be, as ong as the flooding has subsided. Or I could just get shitfaced and have burgers and pizza.

Day 278: Christmas Eve. Sueanne let me finish at 11.00am so, very shortly thereafter, off for a walk I went; it turned out to be a stop/start affair - flooding as the Nene had burst its banks, ended up doing more of a circuit round town. Bumped into Andy Smith (and his son) and, after that, Ash and Denise. Ended up doing just under 11.5km in 2 and a half hours.Knackered! As I type, I have a chilli on the stove, beer on the go, all the veg and chicken breast bought with no shortages, as feared, for tomorrow’s lunch and looking forward to eating. getting drunk, smoking, listening to music, watching telly....all over the next two/three days.

Day 279: I don’t even remember going to bed last night. As a direct result I got out of bed at 2.30pm. I couldn’t even be bothered with Christmas dinner, let alone anything else like exercise. I’m just about to have chilli for dinner (it’s 8.10pm). Watch some telly then try an go to sleep before midnight. No booze! I did talk to dad earlier. Day 280: Typing on day 281. A better, more productive day. Up @11.00am exercise and walk as usual, although the walk was a different route due to flooding. In the evening I could hear ‘storm Bella’ raging, so windy! I cooked a christmas dinner of sorts, chicken breast with Thyme, all the veg, roasted spuds and parsnip, stuffing (a first for me, albeit co-op stuffing mix), Yorkshie and pigs in blankets. It was smashing! A few beers and The Hitman’s Bodyguard, alays a fun watch. A better day, as I say, but I am feeling particular deflated this Christmas. Day 281: Typing on day 282. I realised, about mid afternoon, that Monday (tomorrow) is a bank holiday so no work. It was a great realisation but, also, worrying that it dawned on my like I’m an old person! Nevertheless, a nice long walk - bumped into Baz & Kate and had a nice long chat, then El & Camila, Aaron and Eva for another, shorter chat. I also saw Denise & Ash along the way. Fog video called later in the evening for a chat too (he told me how he fell asleep at the dinner table, fuck he makes me laugh - unwittingly - when I need it most!) A regular social fest! A repeat of last night’s dinner and a few beers - it was a good day albeit I am in a proper low ebb.

Day 282: Up at midday after a 4am-er. A very long walk (1.75 hours) and a hodge podge dinner (remaining chilli, roasted spuds and peppers, steamed cauliflower and runner beans, grated cheese) - it’s nearly ready, I’ll type the review tomorrow. I realise that this is the first time in 21 Christmases that I have at least talked to K. Is that connected to my mood slump? I reckon so. So, as that fact dawned on me, I then considered, should it be the case next Christmas, it will not be the first in along time and, as such, more manageable....fuck knows how I manage to accentuate any little positive but, thank goodness I do. Day 283: Work was a sedate affair today, fuck all to do really. Sueanne is now follwing me on Insta...I shall invetsigate on how to exclude posts to individuals, methinks. Tea, last night, was fucking lovely. More of the same tonight-ish - currently I am roasting spuds, peppers, garlic, chillies, tomatoes - it’ll all go with left over pigs-in-blankets (5) and a burger. I’ll have bisto beef with mustard on it. I can’t wait! Day 284: Typing on day 285. That meal was fucking lush! Checked on the car todfay and it would not start. Something is draining the battery so I will have to give it a run every day until I can get Julian to sort it. So, I WhatsApp’d Karen to borrow the portable starter. She dropped it off for me. We had the briefest of chats at the doorstep, first time we’ve spoken in weeks. She mentioned my hair! Day 285: NYE. I have just got back from walking to Cottersock and back. I would not have been able to do so without my new torch! I finished and published my double letter quiz on FB, including to the Virtual Pub group and the Oundle Chatter. It’s had some good feedback, I’m rather proud of it. I am going to make chicken casserole now (with dumplings - a first for me, I even bought some flour), have some beers and get a bit stoned. Before that, I am going to finish off my list of things I’ve done this year, including steps wlaked and hours listening on Spotify. I am quite proud of that list too.

Day 286: I fucked the dumplings up, added too much water, so that didn’t happen but the chicken casserole was good, just about to finish it for tea tonight. I also had pizza last night and went to bed at 5am. I have had a lot of good feedback on my list of 2020 achievements. I proud of it. K sent a happy new WhatsApp last night, around 00.30.

Day 287: No booze last night, so I was up before the alarm today (about 10.00am) Two walks, one on my own, another with Fog with a couple of beers. I fucking loved it! Watching datrts (World champs semi finals - been texting Dan while the first one has been on). Going to watch The Aviator later...I’ve not seen it before which surprises me. Why it surprises me I do not know, since I know I haven’t seen it. How the fuck can I be surprised by a fact I’m completely aware of? Day 288: I didn’t watch The Aviator ‘cos Logan Luck was on at 11:55pm on ITV4. Great fildm...I can’t believe that I very nearly paid for it (rent from Sky or Amazon). A late one last night and quite pissed. Thinking about it, having afew beers with Fog in the afternoon made it quite a long sesh for me! Up at just gone midday today, nice long walk (Cotterstock) which was mde long by a painful right ankle - I must have turned or twiested slightly sometime. Still, it survived. Back to work tomorrow - Chrimbo and New Year all done and dusted for the 55th time in my life!

Day 289: First day back at work of 2021. Boris announces another full lockdown in England (there’s a new strain of Covid19 which is seeing huge numbers of infections every day, over 50,000 per day).

Day 290: Something is up with my right foot, the little toe pad. It’s bloody sore. If it gets any worse it’ll affect my walking and exercise. I phoned Anne Bennison to talk about it, she just wants me to go and see her which i donlt want to do if poss, pandemic and all that.

Day 291: Wearing my sandals instead of the M&S slippers and my foot/toepad is already feeling bteer. However, I did inspect my Merrell boots, just in case, and the sole on te right is really worn down, in just three months. I have sent a WhatsApp to CotswoldOutdoors, where I got them from....let’s see what they say! It’s all kicking off i the US - pro Trump protestors have storm the Capitol Building, where congrees was being held. Only in ‘Merica.

Day 292: Busy at work with rolling out Qfiniti - all that project work was pretty much for fuck all since the SCCM package has to hand held. It’s feckin’ freezing today, below freezing, slippy af on my walks. I have been shopping tonight, £106 in Corby Tesco. That does include 8 cans of sapporo.

Day 293: The fracas at Capitol Hill on Wednesday left 5 dead, it looks like Trump will be impeached. He’s already said he’ll not attend Biden’s inauguration. In a fucking world gone mad, it’s another level of madness. It’s really cold -3℃ tonight, more of the same tomorrow. Makes for brisk walks. I’ve just had chicken balti pie and chips for tea. It was so nice that I burnt the roof of my fucking gob. I’m on the Sapporo and about to have a smoke then watch Jack Reacher. I’ve (kinda) earnt after the first 5 day week for a while.

Day 294: Well, last night saw another late one...5am by the time I :went to sleep. Up at 2pm today with no instention of any exercise or walking or housework or fuck all, really. But, I did my exercises and a 9 mile walk. While I walked I came across Banners, quick 15 min chat and listed to Stage by David Bowie. He’s all over the radio right now as it’s his death’s anniversary tomorrow and his birthday yesterday. It’s a fucking good live album. A few beers tonight, eating trash, watching FA Cup highlights then End of Watch later. Posh played today (first time in a while due to Covid infections) drew away to (shitty) Lincoln 1-1. Good point as Posh were down to ten men after 67 mins for a second yellow for handball in the area. Lincoln missed the pen. Fucking funny. Chorley, the non leaguers who knocked Posh out in round 2 of the FA Cup, beat Derby in round 3 today (albeit derby fielded an academy side of 11 first timers due to Covid ) - a great day for them!

Day 295: Up at 2pm swearing blind I’d not walk or exercise (again!) but, of course I did. I’ve done over 25 miles this w/e! End of Watch was brilliant last night. Well worth a rewatch, so emotional. I am making butter chicken as I type. I’ve added extra onion, garlic and, of course, chillies. It’s the spiciest butter chicken I have ever tasted!

Day 296: One of those frustrating days at work when no problem of request I try to resolve goes without a hitch. After a 7km walk in the evening, took the car for a spin and cleaned the bathroom. Fucking knackered. It’s 11:30pm and I’m in bed typing this on the iPad! despite getting up so late, I feel knackered. 11pm bedtime for me, I reckon.

Day 297: Fucking busy at work, the States rolled out a new Okta trust policy and it caused mayhem. Meant my evening walk didn’t start ‘til gone 6pm. When I got back, clened the hall and stairs, made chilli (which I am about to have for tea (gone 10.15pm!) and showered. I’m, again, fucking knackered! Posh played Portsmouth in the EFL Trophy 3rd round at home. Won 5-1. Nice.

Day 298: Had an electrician rouind for the EICR cetrt. He was here until 2pm and it was a pain in the arse, having to work upstairs plus, with having to cut the electricity, all the smart devices lost their settings. And it was freezing up there.

Day 299: Work was impossibly infuriating. Not one pc remote session went to plan! It was pissing down a lunchtime during my walk but, I have to say, the cheap TargetDry coat copes fine in heavy rain for short periods. Everywhere is flooding again even though the rain turned to sleet. By my evening walk, it was dry but bloody cold. Then, when I got in I cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor and the bathroom’s as well. I fucking done in! Chatted to dad today - same as ever!

Day 300: What a fucking work at week! I am so glad it’s Friday. To celebrate, I ordered new walking boots: Scarpas £121!

#diary #Tumblr diary #lockdown #COVID19 #lockdownuk

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prorevenge · 6 years

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A social media marketing agency fires me while being sick without any notice or explanation.

I worked for a social media marketing company. I'd been there almost a year and hadn't used any of my 14 paid days off. I was the only contract worker, but I didn't complain. The money was ok, paid the bills, and my degree was not in business.

It's Saturday. I got from a whole day of running errands, it was raining and nasty, I was wet and cold, I felt sick. I emailed to my team and HR that I'm feeling sick and will be updating them. I felt it's important because there was a big pitch the whole agency was bending over. On Sunday, I felt it in my bones. I wrote another email. I didn't want anyone else to get sick before the pitch. Monday morning I was pouring gallons of shit water from my ass. I threw up twice, couldn't eat, couldn't swallow even water, couldn't sleep, couldn't move, no health insurance. I sent another email on Monday saying I feel worse, sent what I was able to finish to my manager and the team and wished luck with the pitch.

It was strange that this time I didn't get any, "get better," "sorry to hear that," etc. I was so sick I wasn't thinking too deeply about it though and decided to mindlessly binge on Netflix. Tuesday morning, I'm asking if all looks bueno. No response. I'm texting to my manager because this wasn't normal. No response. Then, I couldn't log in to my email. I got locked out from my work email. Doesn't take a genius to notice that something wacky has been going on. I got all my shit from Dropbox and whatever accounts I had on an external hard drive. I started making peace with the thought that I'm being fired. I just didn't know what for.

The next morning I see an email from HR with the subject "Effective Immediately" and saying, "Due to your repeated absences and your abuse of the paid time off, it was decided to terminate your employment." That's it. No further instructions, nothing. I tried to call my manager, but he didn't answer. He texted me later that day to give the address where my belongings should be delivered. I was still sick on Thursday. On Monday I got an email asking to sign it and send back. No instruction if I should do it by mail or email, just a lot of words reminding me what was in my contract: confidentiality blah blah blah, non-compete clauses blah blah blah, company's intellectual property blah blah blah. It looked like it was copied from an online template. I asked HR to send me a copy of my contract as everything was on my company's laptop. The contract was worded the way that working or even contacting with their clients could put me in legal trouble.

I got another job almost 2 months later. With maxed out credit cards and a $3K loan, I felt little helpless. They treated me like a piece of trash. After winning the pitch the agency has been bragging on social media about how amazing and millennial they are. On the company's social accounts they were trying hard to turn every little thing into a huge win. For me, every day was harder because the new job sucked, I felt excluded and didn't feel I'm the part of the culture. So, I've been checking the old agency's social media like a maniac. It got so bad I had to delete the Facebook app from my phone and install some chrome extensions to prevent me from visiting their social media. I stopped going to the gym, was eating unhealthy, broke up with a girl who actually liked me over a stupid argument, was stressed, and felt like a loser.

One day they posted a blog with so much praise for themselves... I cringed. While scrolling through everything people were saying, I realized that their pride blinded them to anything but positive feedback.

After 3 months since I got fired, my bank offered me skip a pay or something like that for 2 next months and I used the $700 to buy as many fake likes, follows, views, etc., as it was possible. From 2K they went to almost 50K followers on Facebook. They were getting 300-500 likes on their Instagram posts, their Twitter also jumped high from only 200 followers. After a week the $700 got me, I decided to go full in for another week and added $500 to the revenge budget. I was more selective, knew more, had better sites for cheaper, I was posting comments everywhere praising the agency, I even created a fake site which was "featuring" the best social media campaigns and ads. I created fake 2 months worth of content in the form of "awards," "special features," and fake polls, and then featured this agency on the front page. Every comment was retweeted, shared, commented back, thanked. It seemed they enjoy the ride a lot. From 1-2 post a week before I got fired they jumped to 2-3 posts a day on every platform. They were so full of themselves they thought they got all of this with their hard work.

2014-2015 was the golden era of Facebook and social media for this type of activities. After over 2 weeks of the hype, suddenly, one of their most cocky posts of theirs got 0 likes. Null. These fools were so caught up in the chase of their 'hard-earned' success, they didn't even check who likes their shit, who follows them. Those were bot accounts, all of them probably in India, cheap as hell, from some scammy sites you don't want to associate your business or name with, or even your IP. The agency had almost 120K followers on Facebook at some point. Going from less than 2K followers to 120K, imagine how the engagement went down. All their organic posts were non-existent. The whole agency looked like idiots because it was apparent from the outside it's all weird and that the hype's fake.

They were trying to get that hype back they started writing useless blogs like more pointless and worthless content would fix anything. Their headlines were screaming "clickbait," their posts and the volume of images they were posting looked desperate. One day... Oops, their FB is "not available." They got blocked! Since there were hundreds of thousands of the same cases in review (blocked accounts for similar schemes, etc.) and they had $0 ad spend on that page, they would wait months to get their account back. They had to create a new FB page, a new Instagram account, and after they shared again the link with their "we're honored to be featured..." I replaced the URL to link to another business in San Francisco lol and removed their entry from the front page. I wasn't even aware at the time, but after these 2 weeks of imverybadass behaviour they lost a few crucial employees. I heard a rumor they left the agency in the mid-project and someone inexperienced, with no fucking clue and their own projects had to finish it. It had to be a shit show. The client refused to pay and eventually they lost every single client they had on a regular yearly contract. From 25 employees, in less than 1 year, they went to 9! I don't think they realize even now the ratios of likes to comments was suspicious. 2K likes on a photo post with only a single comment saying "Amazing!", posted by Rakesh Johnson from nowhere, with the profile pic of an anime character...? You need to be a true-born idiot to buy that, and they were "an agency."

They still have fewer FB followers than they started with before firing me. They gave up on Twitter. Instagram is also bad, no engagement, no regular posts. Overall, $1,200 bought me back my self-esteem, which I consider money wisely spent.

As of today, I've been talking to that girl I screwed up with and things are looking promising. I'm making more than my previous manager (according to Glassdoor), and he is still with the same company, not having any client on any sort of retainer fee. Only small projects, zero social media activity, almost a dead company, with no talent wanting to work there, and a bad reputation in the area Imagine, a social media marketing company gets kick out from Facebook... laughable. Bunch of egocentric people who got the taste of their own bitter piss. Sometimes I really want to add another nail in the coffin, but I'm a better man now. I moved on and don't consider them worthy of my time. This post is my final goodbye to this issue.

TL/DR: A social media marketing agency fired me for being sick. Got their ass kicked by their own ego and have been recovering ever since.

(source) (story by PierceJames)

#prorevenge #by PierceJames #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #revenge story #last10

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bard-dadsquared · 5 years

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In other news, I do need validation. Long angry rant is about to happen.

The other day I called my Ex on fb so he could talk to our son. I made a comment later that day how he looked like he hadnt been sleeping and how he seemed like he may be depressed, and the person i was talking to was just like

"Poor guy :(("

To which I just shrugged and told them that I didnt feel bad for him, everything he's feeling, he brought on himself.

They said "I feel kinds bad for him because I know he loves you!"

And I'm just???

Maybe he did?? Maybe he does?? But that doesn't negate all the shit he did to drive me the fuck away. I loved him too once. But then everything I said, everything I felt, everything I tried to ask for fell on deaf ears.

I don't feel bad for him because when we moved to the duplex in Texas, he left all the loading and packing to me. It was up to me to find people to help me move stuff to the new place and make sure everything was packed and ready to go. All he worried about was his PC and his desk. Hell even my brother and I had to put my bed frame together because he hadn't done it.

He was an asshole everytime we had to go back to the other house to help clean up too and got mad once because my mom asked us to bring something and he didnt bring it.

But things settled down mostly. I hated how i was expected to do almost everything but it was manageable.

Then he wanted to move and find a new job, which was fine, he sorta?? Let me know what kind of jobs he was applying for and where. But when he got an offer, he accepted it without even talking to me about it. The job he took he was going to start in two months and I had less than a months notice to pack all of our shit and leave not only that but they didn't offer relocation and he was going to be getting a little less in pay. We had less than a month to move Which again- he barely helped with. All the sorting through shit and packing was left up to me once again. I ended up leaving almost all of our stuff behind because I couldnt fucking take it with me to my moms.

I gave Virginia a shot and i was more miserable than I've been ever. I was expected to do everything. EVERYTHING. I decided to go to California. I had originally hoped that in doing so we could save some money and he could use the money we saved to get stuff for the apartment to make it more comfortable.

Which didnt really happen until April. After being with Family in Cali for a while, seeing how well lucian was doing and stuff, I honestly didn't wanna go back. I went back to sign the lease and then again a couple months after my aunt died because of how tense things were at the house, i figured it'd be a last ditch effort to save things.

But no. I tried to tell him how I felt. I tried to tell him what bothered me, why i was so depressed. I told him I felt lonely, I told him I felt like i was expected to do everything. And it always. always felt like I was talking to a wall

I told him I wished wed go out and do things more, that itd be nice and I might meet people. He wanted me to meet people online first and then meet them in person. Which totally defeated the purpose of getting me out of the. House to socialize, and even if indidnt make any friends then at least I got out and was productive. But he doesnt like leaving the house.

I told him countless times that I felt like it was unfair that he expected me to do so much work around then house with minimal help, but nothing changed. He thought helping more meant cleaning the kitchen and making easy dinners.

And while I appreciated it in wished hed help more with the living room too, or the laundry, or anything else literally. The most recent time I brought it up he managed to turn it around to finances and told me that he doesnt spend money on himself because he spends it all on me and Lucian. He told me that if i didnt get what I wanted I essentially acted like it was the end of the world.

Granted yes, I'd get disappointed and my displays depending on my mood or whether or not the item was seasonal or limited edition varried from minor to being a little mopey (i really tried not to be, most of the time i was usually more upset about the ungodly cost than anything.)

Then he invades my privacy, not once but twice I found out. This son of a bitch logged on to my discord, TWICE.

The first time he did it was a day I cleaned the whole apartment. Like I vacuumed, shampooed, cleaned the kitchen counters the best in could, did the dishes, took out the trash, wiped counters and the stove, did several loads of laundry, picked up in the bedroom.

As soon as he got home i went to my room and I guess thats when he did it. He logged onto my account on the computer and opened discord, and went through my messages.

That's literally the only reason he asked me for a divorce. Was because he had seen I've been thinking about it for a while.

And then for whatever reason he did it a second fucking time.

The irony? The first time he did it?? If hed just fucking come to me, I was gonna ask him for a divorce myself. But then he did it, and while it was a huge relief at the time, it would have taken every ounce of willpower not to slap him if I had known then that he was only asking because he went through my messages.

We managed to work things out to maintain some civility for Lucian's sake, and i was okay with that! I was glad we seemed to have cleared the air a little bit.

But then I thought about it more, he never actually apologized to me for anything. He never actually apologized for the messed up stuff he did or said, and he doesnt think he did anything wrong by going through my messages. In fact he thinks he was justified because "I needed to know how they really felt."

And then when I admitted some things I did or said was messed up, he didnt even actually own up to his bullshit. He had to lump me in with him

"Cant we bith admit that we both did and said fucked up shit?"

Like?? That's whaT I WAS JUST DOING. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME???

Then on my way to CO I find out??? He tried to say he does everything himself??? Inwas looking into the requirements to fly with my cat and dog because originally i was going to fly to Colorado. I dont remember which airline I checked, but I checked the requirements for the airline he was gonna send me on, and then he tells my step dad hes tired of doing everything himself.

WHAT???

I looked it up!! I thought I was gonna fly with a certain airline so that's who I fucking looked it up for!!! And hes trying to say he did all the footwork HIMSELF?! If I'd known he was considering another airline I WOULD HAVE LOOKED THAT UP TOO, BUT I DIDNT. Then He has the audacity to say hes tired of being the only one doing all the work??

Are you fucking kidding me????

No, nuh uh. Fuck him. I dont think I hate him surprisingly but FUCK IM LIVID.

I should by all rights hate his fucking guts, but dont, if I did the sight of him would send me into fits of rage as would the mention of his name.

But God damn I am PISSED OFF at him. So fucking pissed off. I mean for all I know hes hacked my account and is reading this right fucking now.

If you are Alex, FUCK YOU for everything you've put me through these last couple years.

fuck him. I don't feel bad for him in the least. I know I'm not fucking perfect, but I fucking tried. I gave him more chances than he fucking deserved. He held me to unfair standards, he expected me to clean house in 2 hours or less, expected me to cook every fucking night, constantly tried to tell me my mental health is harder for him than it is for me, tried to tell my family that he does all the fucking work (okay I cant make phone calls but I can do fucking research you fuck), made me out to be the bad guy constantly, doesn't own up to his bullshit, put me through all this and EXPECTED ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR GOING TO CALIFORNIA, went through my fucking discord, and countless other bullshit.

Yeah no I don't feel bad for him. Not at all, he had plenty of chances to work with me to avoid all this and he chose to ignore it. The only attempts seemed to be when I wasn't with him.

I have a lot of baggage and issues, but I fucking deserve better than that.

If hes in emotional turmoil because of what happened. He brought it on himself. I fuckin tried.

If me not feeling even a little sorry for him makes me a bad person

Then get me my fucking demon costume.

#blue.txt #long post #negative #ask to tag #I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST

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foxsoulcourt · 6 years

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Tag game

I was tagged by @fuzzballsheltiepants . Thanks for your patience love! (Never did get the f*%!ing spacing all ironed out)

LAST

drink: Green tea phone call: Grad school mate + former co-worker Katie about her resume + possible next steps text message: My husband saying he just finished his 8 hour drive to Montana song you listened to: Can I get a Witness - Marvin Gaye time you cried: Last night over an intense episode of Madame Secretary (S01 E16/Tamerlane)

EVER

dated someone twice: Yep. Still friends w/them kissed someone and regretted it: No

been cheated on: Nope. But, ummmm, I ended one of my first really serious relationships by making out w/someone else while she was away. I know, that’s a horrible a thing to do. It’s a long story.

lost someone special: You bet gotten drunk and thrown up: No, I HATE throwing up! And a big night out is 2, maybe 3 glasses of wine

fave colours? Lime green, teal, turquoise, deep purple

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE I?

made new friends: Yes, including a few dear ones here in this Tumblr world

fallen out of love: With ideas + patterns of behaviour; very few people

laughed until you cried: Frequently; more customary is my Laugh + Clap™

found out someone was talking about you: Ugh, yes. At previous job

met someone who changed you: Several

found out who your friends are: Yes, in several lovely ways

kissed someone on your Facebook friends list: On the cheek, yes

GENERAL

how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Been off FB for 6+ mos, but if I logged back on...hmmmm...3/4? do you have any pets: None in the house right now; there’s a humingbird who hangs around when I’m outside. Yes, it’s the same one. do you want to change your name: No, I love it what did you do for your last birthday: Oh, this year was a fun one! Both daughters were home from far away. Dinner out the night before where I def laughed until I cried! Woke up really early that day to find a most wonderful fanfic surprise: FOUR, count them FOUR (!!!!) chapters of @spanglebangle ‘s Doe & Josten: Deductionists . They were particularly enjoyable because that’s where this beautiful sloooow burn started to heat up for real. Finished the chapters in between hanging out w/daughter H, cosplaying Delirium w/a crew at ECCC. Oh yeah, AND I had my pic taken w/Andrew + Neil at that same con! What a day. what time did you wake up today: 7:30 am what were you doing last night at midnight: Turning on the dishwasher before I went to sleep what is something you can’t wait for: Figure out what exactly I will negotiate people to pay me for in my next professional step. (OK, I CAN wait, but/and I’m low key excited about it.) what are you listening to right now: All Blues radio show have you ever talked to a person named Tom: All the time; he’s one of my besties; infrequently with the bro-in-law version (He’s kinda mean) something that gets on your nerves: Fast, agressive drivers, particularly male most visited website: Tumblr, AO3 hair colour: Is it brown? Dark blond? long or short hair: Short-ish + textured; I guess it’s a 21st century shag what do you like about yourself: I am unbound by age + enjoy making connections from wee ones to elders

want any piercings: Nope, I’m content

blood type: I don’t remember. I KNOW I should know, but all I know is it’s not unusual

nicknames: Ms de Milo relationship status: Married zodiac sign: Pisces, Leo rising pronouns: She/her fave tv show: Madame Secretary. Cannot get enough of that salty, open-hearted, badass boss lady + her family + staff tattoos: two - tiny constellation of three HP stars + a small stalk of forget-me-not flowers right or left handed: right-handed ever had surgery: Yes, each related to bringing children into the world + the after effects piercings: Ears + left nostril sports: Sports? No. Activities? Yes! Yoga, walking, bike riding, swimming, hiking vacation: We’re in the ‘visit kids at college + older parents’ phase in life, so trips more than vacations. However, there’s a glimmering possibility of London for spring 2019. trainers: New Balance eating: Right this minute yogurt + nuts + one of the last tasty in-season peaches drinking: still water i’m about to watch: Drama Actresses Roundtable The Hollywood Reporter + finish up season 1 of (all together now) Madame Secretary waiting for: A thoughtful, productive next step in the US Supreme Court Justice nomination process want: finish retooling + living out my definition of success at this point in my life

get married: already decades into that adventure; now refining the experience for the next chapter career: I help people + the organisations they are in effectively navigate change. It’s kind of like organisational therapy to be honest. hugs or kisses: It depends on who; cheek/cheek kiss + hugs w/family + close friends lips or eyes: Eyes shorter or taller: Taller older or younger: Depends nice arms or stomach: Yes hookup or relationship: Relationship; my brain + body shut down at the mere idea of a hookup troublemaker or hesitant: Yes. My modus operandi is watch first + then either ask the question no one else wants to ask or make an observation which stirs the pot. (It’s part of my professional tool kit)

HAVE I EVER?

kissed a stranger: Not so much drank hard liquor: Yes lost glasses: No turned someone down: Yes sex on the first date: Nope, not even close broken someone’s heart: Yes had your heart broken: Yes, in both love + work been arrested: No cried when someone died: Yes fallen for a friend: Yes

DO I BELIVE IN?

yourself: In many ways, most of the time; a little dodgy right now in the professional capacity miracles: Absolutely. Well, not those goopy fantastical ones. More along the lines of everyday small wonders, y’know like that quote attributed to Einstein, “There are only two ways to live your your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

love at first sight: Not really, although I think if your intuition is finely tuned you know pretty quickly whether it’s going to work out or not. kiss on the first date: Depends on the person + the date angels: Less in the Hallmark movie sense, more in ancestors watching out for us sense.

OTHER

best friend’s name: Four because no one person should ever have to shoulder that much responsibility - Bill (husband), Libby (since childhood), Tom + Rob (met in adulthood) eye colour: Some kind of greenish-hazel business fave movie: The most current one which sparks social commentary. Right now: RBG; looking forward to Captain Marvel. favourite actor: If I absolutely have to choose one, then Frances McDormand favourite food: Artichokes

extrovert or introvert: Gregarious introvert. When I need to facilitate groups I’m on; the rest of the time solitude or similar please favourite flower: Forget-me-nots, zinnias, lavender favourite hello kitty character? No idea

Tagging @higgins5 @i-h8-u-no-u-dont + @andreaminyard because they tagged me on similar thingies a reallllly long time ago + @sig66 because I want to get to know you better.

#personal #long #tag game #get to know your mutuals #thanks for asking

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literaryfaeriecorner · 4 years

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02/21/2021: Promotions, Old Friends, and Yellow School Buses

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February 21st, 2021

somehow i received a promotion at work last Friday even though i am literally probably one of the LEAST motivated people teaching at that school... fuck. so... now, instead of just being a regular-schmegular teacher, i am now the '6th grade head social studies teacher' which means that i have to run planning meetings for the social studies team, attend morning meetings discussing whole-grade growth and failings, and solutions for how we're going to get the kids to... not suck. uuuuuuggggghhhhhh!!! and this is for the rest of the year and the next!!!!

apparently, i am the 'perfect person' for this position because all of my classes have consistently performed better than the rest... but between you, me, and the entire internet, that speaks more to the abilities of my students than my own personal abilities as a teacher. i don't believe i'm a sucky teacher or anything but the fact remains that between work, grad school, delusional lovesick-related episodes, mental illness, and other varying distractions, i am not Doing The Best I Can. in fact, i'm literally in survival mode 95% of the time. the other 5% of the time, i'm in manic-as-fuck mode. so... do i really DESERVE this promotion? who even fucking knows? i like to believe, however, that i'll eventually figure out how to bullshit this new responsibility as well and no one will be the wiser. i mean, if this promotion came with a financial boost as well, i'd be more inclined to not fuck it up but, like... i'm doing more work for the same weak ass pay... i'm not as motivated with kind words and encouragement than i would be with a solid boost to my pay grade. anyway... whatever.

i was on tumblr the other day (i am fasting from all social media sites during the day for Lent but tumblr doesn't count because i literally just reblog five or six posts into the void, look at sad literature quotes, and log out just to do it all over again the next day... i am not addicted to tumblr as i am to twitter, instagram, pinterest, and linkedin... yes, linkedin. my quest to escape my job has led me down a very weird and addictive path) and i came across this post by user beetlejuices:

"isn't it all about old friends? like everything? all of it?"

and it is. i think so. i really do.

one of the things i've been conscious of in my early adulthood is that i am still chasing after the friendships i had in middle school. i wrote about this two Lents ago too. there is a memory that i remember so vividly in middle school and it reminds me constantly about how i felt so loved and appreciated and like the world couldn't go on without me if i somehow left or disappeared or went away. i think about it all the time. that is how freeing and loving and whole it is. just a simple memory of being three hours late to school (after a huge, blown out argument between parents who should've divorced years ago) and being startled by a flood of texts that starting pouring in at 7 that morning.

ashley: YOOOO where r u? they snagged all the donuts from the corner store!

alysha: you missed the bus this morning?

ashley: i bought donuts off eman 4 u... say im the best :D

kiera: U MISSED CRYSTAL'S FAT HEAD ASS SLIP DOWN THE STEPS LMAOOO

kiera: u're always here early u good?

alysha: are you coming 2 school today?

ashley: are u ok?

Christyl: don't forget we have a test in math!! where are you?

kiera: babe?

ashley: are you ok? why is ur phone off?

alysha: i just talked to ashley are u ok?

Christyl: where r u?

kiera: i just talked to ashley r u ok?

kiera: none of ur sisters r here either... u ok?

ashley: i'll call again @ lunch

alysha: pls be safe

Christyl: i'll tell the teacher you're sick and maybe you can take it tomorrow

Christyl: are you ok?

and even more messages that were sent during and inbetween classes... i thought it was a bit too late (and too time consuming) to respond to them all individually so after being signed into school three hours late, i decided to wait for all my friends at our table in the cafeteria to surprise them before explaining my mess of a morning. i was nervous because i thought they would be mad at me for some reason. but as soon as they saw me, ashley, alysha, kiera, and christyl, they came barreling towards me screaming my name. it was an entire scene. people looking at them crazy and then raising their eyebrows at me, not seeing what the big deal was. i probably looked the same exact way that i did the day before. unspectacular, bookish, awkward. they couldn't see what the big deal was. it embarrassed me but it thrilled me at the same time.

they nearly knocked me to the floor pushing each other to get to me first trying to steal the first hug. in the end, i stretched my arms out as far as i could and they all fell into them. we probably looked a mess. a tangle of brown legs, arms, frizzy hair, loose braids, and scuffed dress shoes. i remember feeling so loved and wanted. i felt bigger and grander than i was. i had stopped the world for five entire minutes and i didn't do anything. i was just existing.

i don't really talk to any of the girls anymore. i follow them on social media and i wish them happy birthday every year and we're all on each other's close friends list on insta... so i still know a few, if not all, of their secrets... but we'll probably never be as close as we were in middle school. and that's ok. i still love them as much as i did when they tackled me in the lunch room that day. i still root and cheer for them like we still spend every night after school on the phone for hours talking shit and planning presidential campaigns and gossiping about boys. i will never forget that day in the lunchroom. ever. and, like i said, it has only occurred to me now, as a young adult, that i've been chasing that kind of friendship and sisterhood since it happened.

i like to treat all my friendships as mini-romances. i remember a tweet that said, "friendships ARE romance," and i agree. i think i'm in love with all of my close friends, if not all of my friends. it's embarrassing (just a bit) but i have probably fallen in love with all of my friends at least once or twice. this is especially true for my group of college friends (at this point, they are really family). i have been in love, at least once, with all eight of them throughout our four years. i don't actually find this embarrassing like i said earlier. what's embarrassing is that this information might embarrass other people which, in turn, would thoroughly embarrass me. but the fact itself doesn't embarrass me. that is how i am. i fall in love and out of love at breakneck speeds. i think it's important to be a little bit in love with your friends.

i really enjoyed being in undergrad and planning literal dates between all eight or nine of us. and we would call it that. "what are we doing for our date next weekend?" "so who's going on the date tomorrow?" "are we cancelling the date or does the weather not matter?" (the weather always mattered.) my favorite college date was valentine's day senior year. we all went to korean-style karaoke and ordered so much food and drink we could barely stand to sing. we were all sat around the tv singing horribly to mariah carey or beyonce or rapping to nicki minaj verses. we took so many bad pictures and tone deaf videos and we kept leaning or hugging or holding each other's hands. that's another thing i love about my college family. most of us are touchy-feely people. i am a touchy-feely person. i'm southern and my mom is ridiculously gooey so one of my love languages, inevitably, is touch. i, usually, reign it in A LOT unless i have a partner but in college, i somehow discovered a whole group of people who loved to kiss each other on the cheek and hold hands and lean on other people, and lock arms. i felt at home. really.

maybe it's not only about old friends, though. maybe it's about feeling at home.

there was another post on tumblr and i think about it a lot. it's a screenshot of a tweet from twitter user @HumbleCore.

"HUGE NEWS: finally found my best friend from middle school on FB. We've both been looking for each other for over a decade. I told her I think about her whenever I play any boardgame or drive by a church. She told me she uses my name as her password at work. A perfect reunion."

when i read that the other night, i cried. i don't know why. it was heavy and ridiculous and i was worried my roommates would hear me. i don't know why i cried. at all. and even typing it out like that made me want to cry again. the feeling is not as strong or as overwhelming as it was the first time but it's still there.

i think about a best friend i had in first grade. even before i thought of ashley as my best friend (i have known Middle School Ashley since the first grade. i thought we were destined to be best friends forever and ever and ever, which is what i wrote in her middle school yearbook). his name was Malik. or Malique. my memory fails me. but anyway, i loved him like crazy. we didn't do anything without the other. we shared lunch together, we HAD to be partners on every field trip, i cried when Ms. Sanchez moved my seat from his in an effort to stop us from disrupting her lessons and i hated her for an entire week. (a very long time from a first-grade perspective.) even now, i think about him whenever i go to petting zoos or farms and when i ride on yellow school buses with my students.

Malik/Malique was my first kiss. we were hiding from Ms. Sanchez and the other chaperones so we could pet the goats one last time. while we were hiding behind a barn, he kissed me. "for good luck," he said. and then we sprinted across the farm to get back to the goats. and we pet them again before Ms. Sanchez found us and ordered us back on the big yellow school bus where we held hands for the entire hour-long ride back to school.

it's very silly to think now but in high school when i was trying to determine whether i loved my first boyfriend or not i remember thinking, "well, does he make me feel like Malik/Malique?" it's silly but sweet. at fourteen, still comparing the way he made me feel behind a barn at 5 years old to how another boy, years and years later, made me feel. it is silly but i think it's sweet.

i don't actually have any interest in finding Malik/Malique or knowing for certain what he does or how he's doing because i seriously doubt i had such an impact on his life, but i hope he's well and alive and happy because that's what i always naturally hope for when i pass petting zoos or farms or see bright yellow school buses.

so, yes. i think everything, us, our relationships, the entire world, is about old friends. all of it. every last bit of it.

i have a whole-grade data analysis, 300 pages of reading, and two mini-papers for classes to finish before tonight so i'm going to get going... i just wanted to write about old friends first.

#on love #on friendship #on teaching #on community #stream of conscious #crushes

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challia · 7 years

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Goodbye Petyr Baelish. Thank you Aidan Gillen.

I have to admit, this is a very difficult post for me to write. It took me almost 4 days to get my shit together and be able to turn my thoughts into words. Four days of mourning and healing my broken heart a little bit. But here it is. Think of this what you want. It is not a summary. It is not a judgement post. Just my emotions thrown down in front of you all here on Tumblr, because I just need to get it out of my system to be able to move on.

My adventure with Game of Thrones begun with the start of the first season, years ago. It was something totally new and surprising. I have been a huge LOST fan before, and The Walking Dead as well so I thought not much on tv could surprise me. I was so wrong. GoT turned out to be captivating, intriguing and addictive series and before season 1 was over, I was done with the books. All of what was written so far. I fell in love with some characters immediately (Tyrion), some had to grow on me and prove themselves with their actions (Jaime), some I had a love/hate relationship with (Cercei), but one character always stood out. Always was different from others. Too original, too special and too exceptional for all this bunch of personalities, protagonists and villains. He got my attention from the very first episode he appeared in. He intrigued me. He was kind, nice and funny, but behind that smirk and blue eyes there was hidden darkness. His smart one-liners, his good (or bad) advices, his intelligent and captivating dialogues with other characters..I got to love his character immediately. First in the show. He had a handsome face of Aidan Gillen, an actor I knew nothing about at that time, not built for a knight but slender and elegant way about himself, very much suited for the court and the position Petyr Baelish was in. He was very intriguing. Not clearly a good, “white” character because it was obvious he was hiding something, but not also a bad guy. So after I read the books, got to know his story better, especially the story that happened before the show, before Sansa, before the war and everything...That is when it hit me. I knew he will always be my favourite, that I will always root for him, that he will for me always be the only person worthy of this stupid Iron Throne because he was the only one who fought for it so hard and worked for it. I know Jon/Aegon or whatever deserves it by blood. I know Cersei is the Queen and for some people, she is the rightful Queen. Petyr is a tragic character. A boy who had nothing but through his hard work, not always fair, not always good, sometimes ruthless and cruel..but he did get power that he wanted. It was love that ended him. We all knew that it will. From the moment he took Sansa from Kings Landing we all knew where it was heading. There could never be a Petyr and Sansa on the Iron Throne. Even though so many people wanted it. There was always death’s breath on Petyr’s back but truth is, he always provoked it. He teased it, but some things cannot be manipulated.

At some point, I always knew it was going to be Sansa to kill him. And I was even ok with it. I thought I was. But when I heard her speaking in the Great Hall of Winterfell, when she said his name...I left the room. I couldn’t watch this. I came back a few minutes later and asked my husband if it’s done. He said yes but I could see he was really upset and annoyed aswell and he is not a fan. Littlefinger’s death should have been done better. And I don’t mean his begging for his life because seriously, who wouldn’t? Wouldn’t you cry and go on your knees and beg for your life it it was in the hands of the person you love? But the whole Winterfell plot was very poor in my opinion. Arya has become some crazy zombie psycho killer, btw I couldnt stand the triumph on her face when LF was being accused by Sansa, it was disgusting. Sansa struggles to maintain her postion, everyone knows that. But seriously, if she wanted justice, she should have ordered a fair trial for Baelish. Even Tyrion had it. Twice even. Or a trial of combat. Instead she just murdered him. She didn’t give him any chance to defend himself. And she may cry all the tears in the world but thats something I will never forgive her.

So it is over now. Littlefinger’s story. At some point also Sansa’s because their stories connected and became one. I think I am relieved. Because with all the stupid, idiotic and pathetic things that DDs gave us this season, I won’t have to worry they will ruin my beloved character even worse. And people love to ruin. To be mean and cruel. I read some of the reactions of GoT fans from my country on FB. The last episode was streaming here in the major cinemas and ppl could go and watch it there. Their reactions frightened me. Especially this one: “the best moment was when Arya killed LF and everyone started applause”. Shit. What kind of world do we live in? What kind of people watch the show and how much of it can they really understand?

One last word about Aidan Gillen’s performance. I really have no words for it. This guy deserves all the Emmys, Globes and Oscars, seriously. In 2 minutes he went from self righteous, through defensive, disbeliving to complete mess and a child that had always been within him. I love him and always will for giving this character such depth and all the emotions we could experience. Best actor on the show, no doubt.

Well, that’s it. Sorry for long post. I am heartbroken but in time it will heal. There is no justice for our loved ones i think, not even in fictional worlds. But we know these characters for years, we bind to them. And 7 years is a lot. It feels like loosing a true friend, someone important. But some day it will get better, let’s us all remember it.

“ There is a sadness in this world, for we are ignorant of many things. Yes, we are ignorant of many beautiful things - things like the truth. So sadness, in our ignorance, is very real. The tears are real. Then the day when the sadness comes - then we ask: "Will this sadness which makes me cry - will this sadness that makes me cry my heart out - will it ever end?" The answer, of course, is yes. One day the sadness will end”. The Log Lady, Twin Peaks.

Goodbye Petyr Baelish.

Thank you Aidan Gillen.

#littlefinger #Petyr x Sansa #petyr baelish #game of thrones #gameofthrones #sansa stark #petyrxsansa #aidan gillen #sophie turner

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studydreamrepeat · 7 years

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I’m a very goal driven person. Without a clear goal in mind I begin to flounder and struggle, uncertain of where I should redirect my efforts. So, as I reconsider my career goals and relationship with academic research, I thought some reflection might be useful.

I entered college with a very specific career goal in mind. I wanted to be a pharmaceutical researcher, working for a (large, well-paying) corporation on developing drugs for clinical trials and/or consumer use. Chemistry and biology were my favorite subjects in high school; lab experiments were my favorite part. I had an amazing experience during HS where I spent a year doing community outreach for a grassroots air quality organization. The experience had been so amazing because they were actually measuring the levels of air pollutants in the air with the help of graduate students at a local university, and I got to help them measure the levels of nitrous oxides in the air. I reported my results to city officials and even presented at a youth conference in DC, where I spoke to my local and state representatives as well as EPA officials. Doing real-world lab techniques, learning about the chemistry and the biological effects, and seeing my results be used in real life outreach and legislation had enraptured me. I was sold. I wanted to do something similar with my life, but in pharmaceutical research I saw a better connection to my interest in disease, better pay/job security, and more real-life influence by developing medications. It seemed perfect. Three years later, I have no idea where that enthusiasm went–but it’s totally gone. I’m now changing my major. Again. A B.S. in Biology is what I’m switching to, making it my third chance. I entered college pursuing a B.S. in Biochemistry & Biophysics, as there was no plain biochemistry degree (which seemed ideal, with biology and chemistry being my favorite subjects)–but switched out within the year. Following a poor first term (C’s across the board, with the exception of a history course), my adviser scared me out of the program by convincing me that I would never survive the rigor of the remaining calculus and advanced chemistry classes I would have to take. If I couldn’t excel in general chemistry right out the gate, how would I survive the school’s advanced physical chemistry series where straight-A students were known to struggle for passing grades? That seemed like a fair criticism. I switched majors that spring. I aced the rest of my self-written gen chem labs and went on to ace organic chemistry as well, driven by pettiness to deliver a subtle “fuck you” to that particular adviser.

There were other, more valid reasons for my leaving the department, but the success I forced myself towards out of sheer bitterness has always entertained me. I switched to a unique degree after biochemistry, pursuing a B.S. in Biological Research. I loved the department, adviser, and coursework. I got to customize the classes I was taking and elected to focus on toxicology. The other great thing about the degree was that it required nearly 20 credits of thesis research experience. I tacked on a chemistry minor and a certificate in medical humanities, thinking I was set for the next three years.

Within two weeks of joining the department, my adviser had been contacted by a doctoral candidate looking for an undergraduate to work with him. He was a program alumni needing extra hands for his natural resource isolation research in a pharmaceutical sciences lab. On paper it seemed like a great fit. I jumped on board even though natural resource isolation wasn’t my real interest. I was willing to learn about anything, and for the first few weeks natural curiosity carried me. I’d heard horror stories of how difficult it was to get a proper thesis project, and was relieved to have it seemingly handed to me. In person, it was more of a disaster.

Of the four other undergraduates already affiliated with the lab, three of which were also women, I was the only one who regularly came in. It didn’t take long to find out why. A majority of the researchers (not that there were many) came from cultures that are known for poor treatment of women. I was, after a few months when I finally thought to ask, told it had been quite some time since there had been a post-doctoral or other faculty researcher in the lab, and that the last one had not stayed particularly long. I consider myself a friendly person–I make eye contact, smile, and exchange pleasantries when it seems opportune. I was now in a setting where I was actively ignored. I was largely expected to learn by just doing what I was told. Questions were rarely answered, and trust me–when you’re holding a bottle with a giant label declaring CARCINOGEN for the first time, you’re going to have questions about how to proceed.

I was isolated from everyone but the other undergrads and my mentor–when he was gone, I could occasionally convince one of our post-docs to help me find the right compounds, before he would return to his bench where he would scroll through FB for a majority of the day. My PI rarely spoke to me, and he was often gone from the country for weeks at a time. With only general chemistry under my belt, I didn’t know enough to really appreciate what I was doing. I struggled. Things got better and I started to understand, only to get lost again when our project shifted in another direction, then back, then back again. My mentor was surprisingly patient through all of my confusion–far and away, he is the only reason I even survived a year in that lab.

Paperwork caught up with me. My depression returned, worse than ever. This time I struggled with anxiety symptoms that I had somehow evaded in all my previous experiences with mental illness. My grades started looking like the long end of a bell curve. I gave up part of my Christmas break to stay in town to work in the lab, only to spend those days working on an unrelated project.

Halfway through the school year, I was casually told my thesis project would be changed to something involving gene operons. I would be working with a lot of bacteria, rather than the genetically modified yeast cultures I had been working on in my resource isolation. I hadn’t taken general microbiology yet, much less bacterial genetics or any other relevant class. I was just starting a class in cellular biology and barely knew what a gene operon was. My opinion had never once been asked through this process. It was never once suggested that my mentor and PI had been thinking of switching my project. They decided without me or any input from me, and when I was told it hadn’t been a proposition or question–they were very honest in telling me the decision had, somehow, already been made. Had they asked me, I would have been happy to go along with it. That my opinion on what I would be spending the next two years working on was regarded as unimportant was very frustrating.

I was starting from square one again. To this day, I still don’t understand a lot of the techniques I used or data I generated. The only thing I understood was that I was getting damn good at electrophoresis. I had no funding, so I continued to put in my hours without pay. For most of the year my efforts were considered null even though I was in the lab logging more hours and generating more data than many of the paid researchers. It seemed I had gotten my acknowledgement when funding finally came that June, nine months after I had started. It turned out that the grant had actually been secured for me by my adviser who knew I was staying in town for the summer to continue my research. Now four months into this new project, I still didn’t understand the basis for most of my experiments, didn’t understand how to analyze whatever data I was continuously generating, and generally didn’t know what was happening. The lab was becoming emptier. On occasions I would arrive and find the lab was just closed for the day, lights off and doors locked. My mentor was busy with his prelims. There was no support or acknowledgement of my frustrations. I remember one day where I repeatedly asked for clarification, followed the directions I was given, and was then told I had done it incorrectly and had to redo it. I messed it up again because the numbers I had been given was wrong. I remember tearing up in the lab and managed to excuse myself for the evening, then crying out of sheer frustration in the women’s bathroom.

I wasn’t the only one frustrated. One of the other undergrads left the lab, citing the lack of support and poor treatment, including some degree of sexism, from the professional researchers. The lab was falling apart at the seams. Water occasionally dripped from pipelines running above our workbenches. The equipment was all older than I was, and the bigger equipment was twice my age. Our fridges wouldn’t maintain their temperatures. Experiments would frequently be delayed for a day or two while my mentor tinkered with equipment, trying to fix things that someone else had broken. Someone had broken a rubber ring on the fermenter and tried to replace it with a ring of parafilm. We had two HPLCs, and one of them was broken the entire year I was there. When questioned, I was told fixing it would be pointless because if we had a second working one then someone would break it knowing there was still the second. When we started having weekly lab group presentations, sharing our data and progress, it devolved immediately. One person would present, and the rest would sit around the table finding the most useless and particular questions to ask in an attempt to one-up the presentation. We stopped having meetings again as our PI flew in and out of the US. The problem with the lab wasn’t that we were complacent or poked fun at each other and each other’s research, or asked legitimate questions to encourage growth. It was openly hostile. Asking for help accomplished nothing. Undergraduates were not encouraged to ask questions in the lab or ask for help. We also weren’t allowed to work without someone else in the lab, because it was well understood that we didn’t know what we were doing and were a danger to ourselves.

There’s no way of explaining how exhausted or ill working in that specific setting had made me. It was a collection of small things. The inherent frustration of research–constant failure and constant redesign–barely registered through the entire experience. The frustration of not being able to express myself, being isolated, lacking financial/intellectual/mental support, and not having working equipment built up to become hair-pulling. I stopped wanting to come to lab. Then I stopped wanting to go to school. For a while I entertained just dropping out completely and fulfilling my life’s dream of becoming a subsistence potato farmer in rural Idaho. My partner patiently reminded me my life goals were bigger than potatoes. My friends reminded me my life goals were more than potatoes. My family wanted me to have more than potatoes. Everyone severely underestimates potatoes. All the meanwhile my family life devolved in the background. There were three months where at any given point I had a family member in a hospital. I was constantly on the edge of a mental breakdown.

I left at the end of August for a week’s vacation, which extended into a month because of a medical emergency. Away from the lab–even with other major stresses–my anxiety receded. I was coping better with my depression. I resolved not to go back and I didn’t. I withdrew from the lab, citing family responsibilities and health problems. I was, and am, completely disenchanted with lab-based research. My career goals had been decimated because I don’t believe I have the discipline or willpower to pursue a PhD. I am skeptical of the quality of any letter of recommendation or reference I could get from that lab because of how my PI rarely interacted with me and the way I suddenly made my exit, abandoning a lot of responsibilities. Exhausted by research, never mind a full thesis, I am switching majors to a good and simple Biology degree and taking my minor and certificate with me. I’m not sure what my new career goal will be. MD, PharmD, JD focusing in health law, or maybe a MS or PhD in a different field.

Despite the frustrations and discrimination my peers and I dealt with in that lab, I learned so so so much and am very grateful to have gotten the opportunity. I learned a lot of lab techniques and shortcuts. I learned how to present and communicate my research, how to interact with vendors, how to get funding (alternatively: how not to get grants), and saw a lot about graduate school and what it really took to get a lab-based research degree at the doctoral level. I saw my mentor’s frustrations, even with his decade of experience, and how it was shaping his career and effecting his family life. My scientific writing improved. I pushed myself to new limits and, optimistically, I’d like to say I grew as a person. I also learned some things that I’m glad I haven’t taken for granted, which is what I don’t want to do with my life. I learned how to put myself and my health first, even if it means giving up on amazing opportunities. I learned how to tell when something was becoming too much for me to handle or deal with. I learned where my breaking point was, which is at an 18 credit term with 20 hours a week of research (orgo chem, physics, cell bio, and tech writing made for a pretty brutal term).

Even with the disastrous experience I went through with academic pharma research, I still want to have more research experience–just in a completely different field. I’m going to pick research that I am interested in and because it’s what I want to learn more about, not because I need research experience to fill a requirement or to bolster my resume (although that’s a bonus). I’m looking at PIs who are focused in health literacy, or quantifying legislative effects, or nanotoxicology.

If you want to do research, it ought to be something you genuinely care about or are interested in. Sure, you can do it if you’re indifferent or if you’ve scrounged up some everyday curiosity for it, but after a couple hundred hours you’ll be pretty goddamn miserable. No matter what it is you’re doing, if you’re going to put hundreds of hours into something, make sure you care about it. Those are hours you will never get back. Even in labs where there is support and people act like decent human beings, research is still not an easy task. I’d like to think we call it research because you have to constantly be searching for reasons to continue.

There are reasons worth continuing. There are reasons to keep pushing forward and hunting down the answers to your questions. Your discoveries may be small at first. History is made by small discoveries and a random spattering of luck. But your discoveries, no matter how revolutionary or mundane, are still discoveries. Your work can lead to a cure. To a difference in the way we interact with other species. To a difference in the way we interact with each other. You can change the way we use certain materials, or the way we use the world. You can change the world.

#this took a much more autobiographical turn than i was intending it to #idk man i just wish i had someone who had told me this when i was starting as an eager young stem major #proofreading your own post is for the weak #it's nearly 2am i'm going to bed guys #studydreamrepeat #long read more is long

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np254 · 7 years

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No, it’s not a click bait. I quit social media and am in rehab.

Let me explain:

What

I deactivated my Instagram account.

I deleted the Facebook app on my phone. I cannot completely deactivate my account, because I am administrating a page (hence the responsibilities). I only access FB from my phone in case of emergencies. Everyday, I check my notifications once or twice from my laptop.

I logged out of Tumblr on my phone and deleted the app. Visits reduced to 2-3 times a week.

The only social-networking app I am still using on a daily basis is Messenger, which is more like a messaging app.

When

From October 13th. Undecided end date.

Why

1. My clean history with social media

I have been socially active all my life and been using my social accounts very consciously for years. Ever since my childhood, my parents have taught me about the importance of moderation when it comes to social media. Even though I have had 2 emails (not one, but two!) for 11 years (and I am 20), my parents have given me guidance on managing these from the very beginning. It was the same with Facebook (which I’ve also been having for about 10 years) – during the first few years, I never went online without parental controls. And for that I was thankful.

Even when I gained full control of my socials, which was about 7 years ago, everything was still going well. Although I have a lot of friends in school and from my social activities, social networks have always been there for its initial purpose – to help me stay in touch with people.

Even when I took charge of my social media accounts, I still used them with caution and consideration. On Facebook, I only connect with people whom I have actually met in real life or whom I have heard about/talked to or with whom I have many mutual friends. My Instagram account has been private from the beginning and I have my own “rules” when accepting new followers. It explains why my social circle is not massive but the interaction rate is remarkable.

At once I could confidently state: “I am a Digital Native, I know my way around social networks”.

2. The addiction

In the beginning it was very subtle. The addiction.

The addiction is young. It started since I went to Germany to study abroad 2 years ago. At the time, I wouldn’t say that it was an addiction. However, it was definitely slight overuse. As I started my “adult life” on my own in a country far away from home, away from any kind of supervision whatsoever, I allowed myself to do whatever I want as long as it’s justifiable.

Somehow I felt the need to update my life online constantly, mainly because: – of the distance. Being so far from each other, I wanted to keep my family informed about my new life – of the time-zone difference. Being online constantly helped me stay informed about family and friends at home. – Germany is beautiful, I had a good life and I wanted to brag about it So I ended up being online a lot. Luckily, I had a group of five girlfriends and we spent a lot of time together cooking, chatting, baking and studying, so I was distracted from my phone and laptop.

After the first year, I moved to Hamburg. Around this time, I started my hobby with analog photography and this blog. I also started my course at the HAW. Here we learned about the importance of our online presence – whether it is necessary and what are the risks. I decided that an online presence is inevitably necessary, since I am a hobby photographer and later on want to work in the media.

I think I did a good job maintaining my online image. I am on every social networks and my profile on each network is carefully though-over and well-drafted. They coexist in harmony with the same username and together they portray different aspects of my personality exactly how I want them to.

It would be nice if I stopped there. But I didn’t.

I craved validation, but my craving was the worst type – I didn’t actually need validation, I just wanted to put myself and my life online, and for that I would feel satisfied enough. The thought that everyone knew how great/not great my life was fed my ego. In my head, I told myself that I am doing a great job sharing with people the often unnoticed moments in life (very noble, I know). Of course, I was ecstatic when someone responded, but that was not the main point.

Now, I will include another factor that played a role. But I also want to disclaim that I do not intend to put all the blame on it. It was only unfortunate that among many other reasons, a long-distance relationship also contributed to the growth of my addiction. Along with my own craving for validation, I had another justified reason to post about every little thing in my life.

From there, everything went downhill. I was online all the time, and I mean the literal meaning of the phrase. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. The first thing I do every morning was checking my phone for messages from the night, notifications on every social networks, emails, Facebook newsfeed and Instagram feed. This ritual took at least 30 minutes every morning, often an hour. If I didn’t do this, I could not wake up. You can say that my brain delved into new notifications to wake myself up.

Then, during the course of the day, I was online constantly, even when there was nothing more to check. Social networks are programmed to be addictive, to this I agree. Even when I had something to do (e.g. am in a lecture), I would still occasionally pull out my phone, completely unawared, and aimlessly scroll through the feeds. When I had read everything, I would turn to the “Discover” tab, which both Facebook and Instagram have. The vicious cycle went on and on.

Besides from checking the feeds, I also posted content. I trust my taste and my aesthetics, so I invested a lot of time in choosing and editing the photos that I post. A little while ago, I reached the peak of my addiction, where I spent excessive time on content for my Instagram story. I would edit the photos in 1-2 apps then design the layout with beautiful text description in another app. Just to post to a virtual story that will only last for 24 hours. When I was bored, I would write quotes. To have nice hand-writing by smearing your finger on the touch screen is not the most efficient thing to do. I wrote and rewrote until the quotes looked decent and met my aesthetic standards. All that too, served the Instagram story that is only visible for 24 hours.

I agree that there are people who have to do this for the sake of their career. They could be professionals who do this for a living. Considering that I am neither a professional nor earn any cents from my social accounts, I was wasting so much time for nothing.

A few examples of my “creations” for my Instagram story:

Each of these took about 30 minutes.

The bad thing about the situation was that, I didn’t actually posted a lot on Facebook and Instagram. I only checked the feeds too frequently. Therefore, my addiction went unnoticed for a long time, since nobody, even myself, ever addressed my overuse.

It came to the point where I could not part with my phone or my laptop anymore. I would switch between my phone and laptop. Either one of them was always on, sometimes both. I would even check my phone while my laptop was booting or loading something. From time to time, I found myself in distress because I could never finish the book that I found interesting, or invest time in self-improvement as I did a year ago. Despite my distress, I never succeeded in cutting down my online time to spend time on other things. I just couldn’t.

3. The breakpoint

A month ago, something that happened had shaken me awake and rewired my way of thinking. My apologies for not explaining what this “something” was, for it is a personal matter.

I realised that I would waste my entire future if I didn’t make a change. I felt my mental capabilities deteriorated. I saw that I was not missing out on the virtual world, rather the actual world.

I did not want to live my life anymore, and I was the one who caused it all.

I have thought about seeking help, but I figured, maybe I could still cure myself, as long as there is a strong self-discipline. With this mindset, I started out on my personal rehab. It is still happening. If it goes wrong, here you can read in black and white, i promise that I will seek professional help.

How’s it been? What have I learned?

It has been difficult, of course.

Like every other addiction, the cravings are unbearable. It’s especially hard when I check my socials in the morning or before I go to bed. If I lose control, I can scroll on forever.

The most noticeable thing are random moments. Sometimes when I find something funny, or an interesting thought passes my mind, I feel a very strong urge to post something onto my Instagram story. Other times, I would open the “Social Networking” app folder on my phone, where I have remembered the positions of every app, and tapped intuitively, only to choose the wrong one (because I deleted some).

From this experience, I learn that the nice moments in life should be enjoyed in person. Even when there is no friend around to share with. I learn to find joy in them. Getting used to not instantaneously share everything online is hard, often times I find myself reaching for my phone, then put it away, then look around to find a familiar face, then look up to the sky and smile to myself. As if there is a sacred secret between me and an unknown Significant Power.

Solitude and happiness may seem like they will never go together, but happiness is actually in its purest form when you can share it with yourself and the universe. The happiness you feel is a whole, and you feel it with your entire heart and attention. Most often, we try to share our happiness, forgetting that it should be felt by us first, before it can be shared with others. Otherwise, the happiness would lose its purpose: to fulfil one’s soul.

Another thing I’ve learned, is that I do not need to prove my emotions. Honestly, people do not give much attention to what they see online, because the flow of information is endless, so they jump from this to that, quickly forgetting what they have seen. No one has noticed that I stopped using Instagram, even though I had been posting actively. As my account is deactivated, you can’t find me or tag me. From this I learn that life is not a stage and you don’t need an audience. Nobody will judge you if you are not happy, and the fact that you are happy and you show it does not do anything for anyone else, if they don’t truly care about you.

And people who care will go out of their way to make sure that you are fine. Even if you do not post anything on social networks, they will try to reach you. Such a short and simple message like “Hey, how are you doing? Haven’t heard from you in a while.” can light up my day brighter than 50 likes on a pic on Instagram.

Do I feel FOMO?

“Fear of missing out” has become a chronic disease. Funnily, I felt like I have always been having FOMO ever since I started using social media. No matter how often I check my feeds, I would still miss out on something.

To me, it doesn’t make any significance when I stop using social media in comparison to when I still used them in terms of FOMO. It’s not like I have stopped informing myself about the world. Quite the opposite, I read the newspaper regularly to know what is going on in real life.

The only problem that I currently still can’t solve is that I do not know what my friends abroad are doing. I have very good friends from school, with whom I do not talk very often but like to keep up with them via their social media accounts. Now that I am going completely sans Instagram, I don’t have a clue how they are doing, and simply hitting them up via Messenger just to ask if they are fine seems awkward and weird.

So far, this is my experience from one week with massively restricted social media usage. The struggle and the journey continue…

Deep down I wish that something good will come out of this.

I quit social media

#addiction #digital native #experience #facebook #insight #instagram #modern #np254 #overuse #problem #rehab #rehabilitation #social media #social networking #social networks #tumblr #Writing

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asleepinawell · 7 years

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Tagged by @thetwelfthbunny thanks!

The last 1. drink: half a bottle of iced tea (in the shower) 2. phone call: my brother 3. text message: i got a verification code for logging into a website. so exciting! 4. song you listened to: Midnight by Caravan Palace 5. time you cried: I honestly don’t remember

Have you ever 6. dated someone twice: yes 7. kissed someone and regretted it: nah 8. been cheated on: nope 9. lost someone special: sort of 10. been depressed: hah yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yep but not in years 3 favorite colors 12. black 13. turquoise 14. silver In the last year have you: 15. made new friends: sure 16. fallen out of love: nah 17. laughed until you cried: yes though i can’t remember why 18. found out someone was talking about you: nope 19. met someone who changed you: don’t think so 20. found out who your friends are: nah 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: definitely no General: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: basically all of them...but i don’t really use fb 23. do you have any pets: one obnoxious feline who is currently yammering non-stop 24. do you want to change your name: nah 25. what did you do for your last birthday: went to work. really that was it. 26. what time did you wake up: 7am-ish. My alarm goes off at 8:30 and I gain consciousness around 9am so this was not ideal. 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: reading fanfic i think 28. name something you can’t wait for: taking a vacation where i can just sleep 31. what are you listening to right now: the banshee cat shrieking because it’s within 2 hours of her dinner time and she wants to make sure i know this 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah 33. something that is getting on your nerves: there’s been construction work going on in my apartment complex since i moved here 8 years ago. every time i ask about it it’s almost done. it’s been almost done for eight years. it’s like apartment complex gothic. 34. most visited website: tumblr probably. ao3 in my phone browser. also thesaurus.com and wikipedia 35. hair colour: brown 36. long or short hair: long 39. piercings: one cartilage piercing in my ear 40. blood type: O+ 41. nicknames: none at the moment 42. relationship status: i have a lot of computers 43. zodiac: gemini 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: don’t really have a favorite 46. tattoos: got 5. working on getting a 6th. just got an idea for a 7th. 47. right or left handed: right

48. surgery: had a cholecystectomy after several of my internal organs tried to kill me. good times. had two of my wisdom teeth out forever ago.

49. piercing: wasn’t this #39

50. sport: running but i haven’t in a while 51. vacation: bed or my living room...i like day trips more than long trips 52. pair of trainers: solomon...because you don’t have to tie laces

More general: 53. eating: just had some pasta 54. drinking: iced tea 55. i’m about to: put laundry in the dryer. it’s an exciting night here. 56. waiting for: the weekend 57. want: someone to put my clothes in the dryer for me. maybe i can work out a deal with the cat in exchange for feeding her early. 58. get married: nope 59. career: I’m okay with my career Which is better: 60. hugs or kisses: eh 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: don’t care

63. older or younger: doesn’t matter but not too much younger 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hook up or relationship: hook up 66. troublemaker or hesitant: both Have you ever: 67. kissed a stranger: not that i can recall 68. drank hard liquor: oh yes though i no longer drink

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: hah yeah and i’m completely blind without them 70. turned someone down: yep 71. sex on the first date: no 72. broken someone’s heart: yes 73. had your heart broken: no 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: nah Do you believe in: 77. yourself: i believe that i will one day find the strength to go deal with my laundry 78. miracles: nope 79. love at first sight: nope 80. santa claus: i don’t think i ever did 81. kiss on the first date: sure 82. angels: nope

Other:

83. current best friend’s name: pass 84. eye colour: brown 85. favourite movie: man i have no idea

i feel so boring.

tagging some folks @lost-in-the-fission @canadianwheatpirates @imageryofinterest anyone else who wants to

#mp #personal #answers #i forget what tag i was using for these #ah well

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 5 years

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It turns out purposely messing with your targeted ads isn't a good idea

Facebook is convinced that I am a young mother with a love of kraken-themed decor.

Unless you count my cat, who is 11-years-old and the animal equivalent of the grumpy old man from Up, I absolutely do not have a child. But for the last six months, my feed has been inundated with ads for baby products, from nasal suction devices to teething toys that look like plush versions of a bad acid trip.

Over the summer, my cat underwent a veterinary procedure that, to spare the nasty details for the faint of heart, required me to dab antibiotic ointment on his butt twice a day. Because he had a knack for getting out of his cone of shame and getting ointment everywhere, I put him in diapers for the day after the surgery. But diapers made specifically for pets are absurdly expensive, so I bought a pack of (human) infant diapers online and went on my cat owner way. I started seeing ads for baby products that night.

I know big tech companies have too much on me already. I've been on social media since I was 10-years-old, entering my email and date of birth on Neopets and Club Penguin, so my data has likely been tracked for more than half of my life. I'm online for a majority of my day, and I've accepted the fact that my digital footprint runs too deep for me to ever truly go off the grid.

Which is exactly why I've started fucking with my ads.

It's not just weird baby products. I've been curating my ads to show me extremely specific cephalopod-shaped home decor. After months of carefully engaging with ads, I've finally cultivated what I want to see on my Facebook feed.

Image: screenshot/morgan sung

SEE ALSO: All the social media opt-outs you need to activate right now

I'm not the only one. Caroline, a Twitter user who tweets under the handle @defundpoppunk, also curates their ads. After clicking on specific Facebook ads, they managed to prune their feed like an artisanal algorithm — a concept first floated by Twitter user @JanelleCShane — into a masterpiece: Unreasonably baggy pants.

It's like a cursed personal data-laden bonsai tree.

I click every ad I see on Facebook for weird pants in an effort to train Facebook to show me the weirdest pants. I think it's finally starting to pay off: pic.twitter.com/nS1oMl1Mv7

— olivia colman's oscar (@defundpoppunk) March 12, 2019

Caroline says they searched for jogger-style pants before, and has been getting ads for them ever since. For weeks, they've been clicking on any ad featuring "vaguely interesting-looking" pants.

Like me, Caroline is fed up with the unending lack of privacy we have, and started engaging with their ads just to mess with them.

"So at first it was a little bit of private trolling just because I know e-comm [e-commerce] people take their click through rates really seriously," they told Mashable through Twitter DM. "But then once I started my targeted ads actually changing, I got a little more deliberate about it out of curiosity."

Aside from being an "amusing reminder that everyone is being tracked online constantly," as Caroline said, playing with targeted ads is like playing a game.

There's something deeply satisfying about knowing that even though I as an individual can't really stop power hungry tech giants, I'm giving them a digital middle finger by engaging with the "wrong" ads. It's the online version of the Florida man who runs into hurricanes with heavy metal and American flags. Realistically, messing with my ads won't shroud me from the inevitable tracking that comes from being online, but it feels like I'm making it slightly more inconvenient for large corporations to know everything about the real me.

Shoshana Wodinsky, a tech reporter at Adweek, gets why deliberately polluting your targeted ads is entertaining.

"These kinds of big tech platforms are really powerful," she said during a Skype call. "They're like multibillion dollar companies and the fact that they screw up sometimes is kind of funny. Part of it's definitely punching up, but part of it's like, even these behemoths are somewhat fucked up."

Wodinsky has also experimented with purposely muddling her digital presence; she once changed her Bitmoji to be pregnant to see if it would affect her targeted ads. (She told Mashable that she is very much not pregnant, and during her interview, she said that the only children she has are her two cats.) Although she said it started "as a joke," she wondered how far she could take it.

"Realistically, I know that me pretending to be pregnant isn't going to do anything, but it's kind of like looking outside of the fishbowl," she said. "It's fucking over the big businesses, and who doesn't like to do that."

i gave myself a pregnant bitmoji to see if it would screw with the way ads are targeted toward me and..... im here to tell you that nothings changed pic.twitter.com/SmfWkpRGys

— שוש (@swodinsky) February 13, 2019

fb thinks im preggers,,,,,, success

— שוש (@swodinsky) February 13, 2019

Less than half an hour after creating the Bitmoji, her ad interests included "motherhood" and "breastfeeding."

It's unclear what prompted Facebook to include those options in her interests — it could have been her Bitmoji, or it could have been the fact that she tweeted about it.

Realistically, just clicking on and engaging with specific ads won't do much to your digital footprint; if you really wanted to go deep, you'd have to change your entire online behavior. Your ads aren't just targeted based on what you interact with on specific social media platforms, but what you search and interact with across the entire internet. Thanks to the cookies Facebook uses to track users, regardless of whether or not you're logged in, you can leave fingerprints all over the web. Truly tricking the algorithm would mean a complete overhaul of your search habits, your social media, and whatever personal information is publicly available.

Meddling with your ad preferences by intentionally engaging with them sounds like a harmless prank, but it might have a dark side. Dr. Russell Newman, a professor at Emerson College who specializes in internet privacy, surveillance, and political communication, worries that any engagement with ads can have long term consequences.

"You might feel like you're exercising some bit of control, but in fact, you have none," he said during a phone interview. "There are unknown ways that the game you are playing right now will affect your future existence, and you won't really be able to know."

Newman stresses that we really have no idea what information can be pulled from our online interactions, and how it can be used in the future. Because internet users are "seen in a particular way, quantified in a particular way, and identified in a particular way," he says, engaging with certain ads and showing a preference for certain ads can preclude certain options. He worries that engagement like this can affect life-altering factors like credit score. It sounds far fetched, but Newman said convincing advertisers that my cat is actually my baby, for example, could possibly affect my future health insurance premiums without me even knowing.

"All the decisions that are going to be made about you going forward," Newman said. "Or the rest of your existence, are going to be based on the truth provided digitally."

Washington Post editor Gillian Brockell experienced the insidious side of online advertising last year. Shortly after she delivered her son, who was stillborn, the credit company Experian sent her an email prompting her to "finish registering" her child to track his credit for life. She noted in a viral Twitter thread that she had never even started registering her baby, and it was particularly cruel that companies wanted his information after his death.

I find this hard to believe. I'd been using Experian to check my credit regularly, & I'd never received any spam like this from them before, just a monthly email saying my report was updated. + the ad didn't say “family protection solution.” it said “register your child.” 3/ pic.twitter.com/dUPRxyWRKH

— Gillian Brockell (@gbrockell) March 12, 2019

"These tech companies triggered that on their own, based on information we shared, Brockell wrote in a piece reflecting on how she never asked to be targeted with parenting ads. "So what I’m asking is that there be similar triggers to turn this stuff off on its own, based on information we’ve shared."

Newman emphasizes that while Google, Facebook, and Amazon market themselves as a search engine, social media network, and online marketplace, respectively, the companies have a greater goal: advertising.

"It's notable that you're saying, 'My privacy is gone, so I'm just going to roll with it,'" Newman said during a phone interview. "The problem isn't that your privacy is gone, the problem is that we don't actually have a nationwide regime set in place in regards to privacy."

Luckily, there are a number of ways to scale back on ad tracking, from opting out of social media data collection to using private browsers.

Here's the bottom line: It turns out messing with my targeted ads probably wasn't a good idea. As satisfying as it is to make it slightly more inconvenient for advertisers, purposely engaging with ads for kraken-specific products is less damaging than limiting the data that advertisers can hold over me. Since my conversation with Newman, I've stopped haphazardly clicking on strange ads and opted out of sharing across my social media presence.

But old habits are hard to break, and I admit that when I'm scrolling through Facebook before bed, I'll still linger on ads that include octopi.

WATCH: BTS' 'Boy With Luv' shatters viewing records on YouTube

#_author:Morgan Sung #_uuid:649b666d-c788-3e44-a782-9379dd2624d2 #_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_revsp:news.mashable

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hpsfacebook-blog · 5 years

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How I Recovered a Hacked Facebook Page

You always hear about people's Facebook accounts getting hacked, and often see the consequences of it (constant event invites to random sales with dodgy links). However after working around social media for so long I always thought I'd seen it all, and wouldn't be fooled like so many others before me. So when I got hacked and had a Facebook page with 25k followers stolen from me, I was left feeling like a true sucker. But I got it back, and actually found a friend in a guy who had taken me to hell and back, from a country I'd never even heard of. It starts fairly typical of any hack story you'll find on Yahoo! Answers or on the Facebook community boards. I woke up very early on Wednesday morning to check my pride and joy, a Facebook page I'd organically grown to 25k followers in the space of 2 months. However, I was on alert as I discovered the following message in my inbox, posted by "Facebook Pages": "Dear Facebook user, After reviewing your page activity, it was determined that you were in violation of our Terms of Service. Your account might be permanently suspended. If you think this is a mistake, please verify your account on the link below. This would indicate that your Page does not have a violation on our Terms of Service. We will immediately review your account activity, and we will notify you again via email. Verify your account at the link below: =============================== **insert dodgy link here** =============================== Thanks for being part of Facebook Community. " I gave this a quick skim and believed it to be legit, partly because I was half asleep, and partly because I definitely had infringed copyright laws with a few of my posts. Looking back I should have noticed the grammatical errors or checked the profile that the message came from (which was a blatant fake) but nonetheless I clicked through to the link, which took me through to the page below. Facebook phishing Without thinking twice about it I entered my details, which directed me back to Facebook's help page. I then messaged the phony "Facebook Pages" profile from my page to tell them that it was done, and that I was waiting to be reviewed. Feeling like I'd sorted the issue, I left the page and got ready for work, promising to check out how the review had gone before I left for the day. After getting ready I went to log into my Facebook account but was having no luck. I tried my details again only to notice that it wasn't my password that was incorrect, but my email address. In fact, it was saying that my email address was not registered with any Facebook account. I was perplexed but tried again, this time logging in with the email Facebook provides on default ([email protected]). This got me in, and it was at this point that I knew there were some serious issues. Facebook had informed me that somebody in another region had tried to access my page. They'd done more than that.. this hacker had actually got complete access to my account, and proceeded to change the email address to a spammy looking Gmail account. Not only this, they'd posted porn images on a bunch of local pages from my account, sent several friend requests and, to my dismay, removed my admin status from my beloved Facebook page. I was freaking out majorly, and for a number of reasons. My page was a big deal, but the account was also linked to my credit card and PayPal accounts, not to mention the probability of getting temporarily banned for posting porn everywhere. I messaged the page a few times and got ignored, posted to the wall and got banned, and after not hearing from Facebook support I'd pretty much conceded defeat. However before I gave up I thought I'd talk in a language we all understand: Tom: I'll pay you for the page back. Just name your price and I'll pay it. Hacker: $1000 Success! No way was I prepared to pay that kind of money, but at least the hacker had recognised me. I just had to keep him talking, get him to understand what he'd put me through: Tom: Sure, just send me your PayPal details. USD yeah? Hacker: You can send me via westerunion or moneygram Just the fact that they said 'me' seemed to change the conversation. This wasn't a robot, there was real human being behind this, probably somebody who could be reasoned with. Tom: Would you consider being a nice guy and just giving it back? I worked very hard on the page Tom: You're from Europe yes? What good is this page to you? No response for 12 hours, it was time to bait him: Tom: Just send me your details and we'll make the arrangement. Money gram please Hacker: okey Hacker: i will send you details just in case Hacker: you are a nice guy too but man i need some monney even if you don`t send me 1000$..at least 300$ talk to you later Tom: Don't we all need money. I was going to sell this page soon anyways. Hacker: Can I trust you? Tom: Trust me in what way? Hacker: I actually post stuff on pages I get. But this seems that you really give much time on it. Hacker: When can you send me the money? Tom: I could do it immediately. But how can I ensure you'll give me ownership back? Hacker: You will have my word. First I make you editor. Add me and I'll make you editor right now. Next thing I see a friend request pop up from a name I won't mention, but could barely pronounce. The display picture was of a pretty girl looking away from the camera. Considering their last status update was back in 2012 I concluded this was fake. Hacker (now using fake profile): When should I post on your page? I will only post once a day Tom: What's your site? Let me have a look at your content Once he sent through his site I knew that I was dealing with a pro hacker, but an amateur online marketer. It was poorly designed, had spelling and grammatical errors everywhere, and the fact that the visitor counter he'd installed was still in double digits was proof that it wasn't doing too well. He gave me back editor controls of my Facebook page (I could post but not do much else), which was a start, but I continued to go in with a soft approach: Tom: Can you make a comedy post?(it's a comedy fan page) Then we post that one first, and slowly just post all kinds of stuff Hacker: I thought you had money:P. Lol. Tom: What do you mean? Here is more information in regards to hack online fb 100% gratis have a look at the website. Hacker: I mean, I don't really have the life you have. Tom: Where are you from? Hacker: Kosovo Tom: Ah Pardon my ignorance, but I'd never heard of Kosovo before. I've barely travelled outside of Australia, and have never been to Europe. I quickly read up on it on Wikipedia to discover Kosovo's brief history - it had only been a country as of 2008, when it had unilaterally declared independence from Serbia. According to Wikipedia Kosovo was known to be "Extremely vulnerable to organised crime and thus to money laundering", so everything was starting to make sense. Hacker: just send me 200$ i will give this page to you I sensed that there was somewhat of a power shift taking place. The site he showed me was struggling, which was why he had proceeded to hack other pages.. in a way to grab some quick traffic. Tom: Hey listen but, if you start posting on this page you'll currently get no interaction, nobody will click man the base is too small, you might get 10 clicks tops a post. Hacker: This isn't the first page I use for posting. I know what I'm doing on this Tom: Man I own my own content site, similar to yours. There's a reason I haven't posted yet.. the base is too small it'll just destroy the page. Hacker: oh Tom: If we grow this page we can make money. Off affiliate deals and off your website's AdSense Tom: I'll split it with you. Just let me continue to grow the page From this point on the subject matter of the conversation completely changed. He asked one more time for money, but it became more an opportunity for him to pick my brain, to learn more about growing a website. I showed him blogs of mine and gave him advice on what he can do for his page. In the space of about 10 minutes this clever, manipulative hacker became like a kindergartener on his first day of school, soaking into his brain everything I was throwing at him. Tom: Do you ever get content ideas from reddit? Hacker: Whats reddit Tom: Omg really? Man, this will help you more than any money I could give you. Hacker: I will not even think of removing you from your fan page or something Hacker: I just learnd something. And that's good. Hacker: Btw thanks for sharing We went on about content strategies, SEO, etc for a while, but I had a few more questions to ask him. This was so fascinating to me, I'd never been hacked, let alone got the chance to communicate with a hacker. Tom: How many pages have you hacked? Hacker: Hundreds man. Tom: What's the largest Hacker: 600k Hacker: But don't say hacked lol sounds stupid Tom: What's your actual name? Hacker: Elvir Elvir was opening up, and he proceeded to tell me more about himself. He's a 22 year old economics student, trying to make money of websites in his spare time. He still had a.blogspot domain which he wanted to change but he couldn't afford a domain, and he wasn't getting enough traffic to generate AdSense revenue. We continued talking for the next 2 days sporadically. He'd ask me various questions around online marketing, while I was trying to get to know more about him. At this point I thought it was time to see if I'd completely reimbursed him. Tom: hey can you make me admin? i need to add my account so i can post vid again. Hacker: I make you admin now. (and he did) Hacker: But I really need that help from you Once I got admin status back I quickly deleted him off the page, changed all my login details and made a new account to manage the page (just in case he could get back in). Despite this however we still talk a few times a week, usually when he wants advice on how to write a headline, or how he should fix his page design. I actually even sent him over some money for a domain on a $15 prepaid credit card, which he was thrilled about. I know that most situations don't end as positively as this - it sounds like nearly everybody who has their Facebook page hacked virtually loses it for good, and Facebook doesn't try to help out in the slightest. But it made me learn that there's still a human element, a vulnerability if you will, in everyone. What started out as one of my scariest online experiences actually turned into something of fascination, and my experiences with Elvir in Kosovo sure went a way into affirming that's there a little bit of good (and evil) in all of us.

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brocolirose · 7 years

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I have lost sleep.

So to speak. When I fall asleep, I’m a log for at least 8 hours. Such a waste of life. (Look at me, being an angsty teenager at age 27. That’s what 4:30AM sleep-deprived cynicism looks like.) But this pattern of not going to sleep before 4AM has been recurring very often in the past 2 or 3 weeks, and this time I mustered up the focus to write down those things that bug me, and those things that stress the fuck out of me. Hear Me Ramble.

One of the biggest challenges I face with journaling as an activity is choosing the medium. Putting pen to paper is the most satisfying, sensorially. Tracing the letters, forcing myself not to write in a jumble, whiting out mistakes and re-writing on top.... They’re the small, irreplaceable pleasures. Typing is a lot less about fine motor skills and less emotionally invested (at least in my case -- I put a lot of thought in the form and content of manuscript text) -- but it is much quicker, much cleaner, much more flexible, and above all easy to reference. I sometimes read my very old blog posts, and I wonder both at how much/little different I am from back then and at the fact I have actually journaled/blogged so little in the past 7 years. Where did my writing go ?

Well, to put it bluntly: it probably went in the sinkhole of Facebook comments, for the most part. I spent so much time fighting losing battles. Then you give up on Internet crusades when you burn out from the broken-record conversations. Anyway I don’t recall writing a lot more besides that and getting my college degree in Korean studies. Boy did I learn how to properly scratch paper in those 3 years. (Funny thing is: my laptop kinda broke down in the first year and needed to be constantly plugged in, so I couldn’t really bring it to campus and use it to take notes -- so I got really good at switching my color gel pens while scribbling.)

Anywho (I love this silly little word), writing used to be a way for me to process my feelings and thoughts, and somewhere along the way it just got dropped. There was also a time I took a lot of photos and went through the trouble of sorting my favorites, editing them and showing them (in my FB photos, ifyou’re looking for impressive). But one then the other vanished, mostly around the time I got a first boyfriend, and then when life became a busy whirlwind (to my standards -- I need a loooot of leisure time -- not having found my calling and whatnot). I’ve made a few feeble attempts at writing over the past year, to deal with my depression, in the context of therapy -- but I got hung up on the medium, and never could find consistency.

But fuck it. Pen and paper is a pain to carry around then review. Livejournal is as good as dead. So here I am, on my last long-standing blog. A kingdom of isolation, stranded on the far shores of.... well, Tumblr. Whatever that means.

(It’s a 5AM ramble now, woohoo!)

Oh I have a bit of that rice drink and matcha, let me drink that to quench my thirst. Yummy.

If you’re still reading this, wayward voyager, let me reward your patience now and tell you what has been stressing me out. See, I have been living and working full time in a different country than my own, living on my own (and then with a flatmate) for the first time in my life, making good money (considering the job), and getting a taste of adulthood I never had before. But this “time away” has not gone according to plan (life, duh) and shit started hitting the fan 6 months in. It’s been nearly 4 years since I realized I had nearly all the symptoms of chronic depression, and so far no doctor, therapist or counselor has contested this self-applied diagnosis (nor did they diagnose anything on top, which is a relief). But here in Cork I was suddenly forced to take care of it, and for the first time I had a proper network of support to guide me toward the help I needed. In Paris I never had the time or energy or interest to look up the help myself, and mom paid rent. Locked in a situation where I needed to provide for myself, but couldn’t carry out my work because of recurring breakdowns, and refusing to fold back onto my Paris mommy-shelter, I left myself few rescue routes: get better, or end it. You might have noticed I’m still here.

(or am I?)

Long story short, this year has really helped me tie up a few loose ends, and opened up the path to resolving other issues, instead of drawing a curtain on them.

- I mourned a friendship (or two); - I took responsibility for my feelings in general, and figured out the emotional hardships I was willing to tackle in a long-distance, polyamorous relationship (there have been many); - I started to really get the wisdoms of Buddhism and Stoicism, and it helped me keep a less dramatic outlook on life; - I Netflixed the months away, and caught up on a lot of shows I would have never seen otherwise. (honestly I don’t remember a fifth of it, and the remaining less-than-a-fifth is very unlikely to be useful in daily life or conversation, and I’m just not a TV-show-fangirl -- so we may bar this whole thing as a huge waste of time and money, but I’ll own this.) - I have never drawn so much in a very long time. I posted a lot of stuff on Instagram lately, relatively speaking. Paradoxically I got myself a new laptop in January to do more digital stuff, but ended up, over the last 6 months, filling out a drawing pad instead: twice bigger than the previous one, and filled twice faster. My brain’s a twat. Or maybe just my expectations are. Fuck me, whatever. - Now that I’m coming to grips with emotional hygiene, I’ll be able to start building some financial hygiene. Because I wasn’t able to save more than my ass’ skin and what it takes to keep it dry, warm, clean and peachy.

I’m also figuring out that instead of being a nice smart badass waiting for her chance in life, I am more of a wasteful cowardly fuckwit with delusions of grandeur -- while paradoxically knowing my life is shit, yes. (not top-grade never-getting-out-of-there shit, but still shit. Entry-level shit, if you will.) But I used to think that I deserved better and just didn’t get the starting boost I thought I had deserved by virtue of being born with whatever beautiful brain I thought I had been endowed with.

Truth is: although I’m human and thus inherently flawed, so far I’ve done a pretty terrible job of picking up the skills needed to progress in life as an autonomous adult. Just to say I’m not as smart as I like to think I am.

Somehow this thought is liberating. It’s good to be an idiot. To embrace being a dimwit. No need to impress anybody, even myself.

That doesn’t mean I will let everything go strapless and become even more thoroughly irresponsible and aimless than I already am. I simply want to acknowledge the very likely possibility that I’ve been setting the bar a little too high for myself by factoring in a stellar intellect that flirts with no other stars than those wriggling over the seabed floor.

So there: I’m stupid, and it’s okay. It just means I should get my sheep in a row and work harder, otherwise my peachy ass becomes crisp bacon. (hmmmmmmmmm bacon 🥓)

(It’s 6AM, I wouldn’t mind some bacon and eggs.)

Hmmmm I didn’t get too much into detail, and I suppose I’ve rambled enough because I don’t feel like going on. But it felt good. :) So I’m going to close off by saying that what stresses me out is that I may not be fully ready when the day comes that I have to fly back to Paris (July 5th), and I’ll have to leave plenty of stuff here because I didn’t move my butt to expedite my stuff back nor sell what I could. And I’m afraid of losing other friends as I figure out how to go about being a polyamorous, sliiiightly bisexual person with values that do not bar flirting with someone who happens to be somebody else’s “other half”. I’m also scared I won’t find a livelihood whose required work won’t drive me crazy or suicidal.

Because I’ve experienced these things. But I’m not afraid of going stag on a backpacking trip across Europe and more. Because, of that, I am clueless.

#diary #depression #redemption #cork #ireland #polyamory #lost friendship #backpacking #late night ramblings #sleepless #sleep deprived

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autisticplumeriaartthings-blog · 5 years

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I’m about midway by way of Zucked: Waking Up to the Fb Catastrophe by Roger McNamee. It’s going sluggish as a result of what I am learning makes me so indignant, sad or alarmed about my #1 vacation spot on the Net. Almost every web page causes me to stop and assume not nearly Fb’s betrayal of so many billion trusting customers, but in addition that this guide confirms a rising concern I have concerning the deteriorating relationship between individuals and know-how generally and my frustration that both self-regulation by tech corporations and the power of our authorities to protect us in conditions akin to this have been thus far just plain impotent.

I am those who initially came to Fb to share thoughts, concepts and footage with associates. It grew to be a supply of perception and knowledge for my most up-to-date five books and it was an ample supply of latest enterprise leads. For over ten years, Fb has offered me with ample returns on my vital investments of time.

Less so now.

Zucked is just not the primary e-book that warned towards Fb, but it’s made extra highly effective and credible because the source is Roger McNamee, who I contemplate to be among the most credible voices in know-how.

I’ve recognized Roger since we have been both just starting careers associated to the enterprise of know-how. We have been never shut, but we did share a ardour back within the early 80s for the promise of private know-how, greatest described by the late Steve Jobs as a “bicycle for the mind,” talked about on this e-book. I’ve lengthy adopted his thought management in areas to know-how as a primal transformative pressure.

Stone Wall Forward

Zucked is giving me this very disturbing picture that billions of individuals are driving their mental bicycles at breathtaking velocity down a particularly long and darkening tunnel on the finish of which is a stone wall.

Most of us really feel this sense of tunnel. We experience along surrounded by individuals who see what we see, assume what we expect, oppose those who are totally different from us and hold peddling alongside despite mounting proof that the journey might finish badly.

We humans have grow to be a divided lot. Civility between us has deteriorated as has trust: We’re more and more disinclined to seek out widespread ground with one another and we debate political and social issues with stridency and mistrust: We really feel that righteousness is on our aspect and this who disagree are evil, deranged, dangerous or all three.

Roger McNamee believes the wrongdoer that has achieved probably the most to distort our perceptions is Facebook, and in the half of the ebook that I have accomplished, he makes an overwhelmingly compelling case.

Manipulating Minds

Fb, as chances are you’ll know, is the most important company in historical past. More than 2.2 billion individuals log in no less than as soon as month-to-month. That’s about one in three individuals on Earth if you get rid of these with out digital entry or youngsters underneath age five or seniors who’ve lost the power or want to make use of computer systems.

However wait. Sadly, there’s extra.

Fb additionally owns Instagram, which has 1.5 billion customers and WhatsApp with a few billion extra. In fact, there’s overlap, but a conservative estimate of these three social networks provides us a minimum of three billion distinctive users, most of whom go to more than as soon as every day; some of us much more.

Fb and its two largest subsidiaries are manipulating the hearts and minds of half the world’s individuals, extra by orders of magnitude, than any company in history, greater than twice the variety of individuals controlled by the Chinese language authorities as we speak; more than the variety of individuals suppressed by Germany, Japan and Russia throughout World Warfare 2.

In accordance with McNamee, the empire is beneath the management of just two individuals Sheryl Sandberg and Mark Zuckerberg.

The Virtuous We

McNamee served as Zuckerberg’s mentor from 2006-to-2009, starting shortly after young Zuck dropped out of Harvard the place Facebook started by facilitating the power to seek out dates for frat boys at elite universities. It turned much more than that extremely shortly when Zuck and Silicon Valley found each other.

McNamee says he has written this broadside to sound the alarm, to warn us that Facebook has created the type of Filter Bubble that Eli Pariser wrote about a number of years again. This bubble filters what we see in order that we like virtually all of it. We speak virtually unique with individuals who share our views. This establishes the concept that each of us is a part of a virtuous we (my words). This is completed in fact by rigorously calibrated algorithms. This social insulation is dangerous sufficient, however it worsens by orders of magnitude when algorithms pit the virtuous we towards the evil them: individuals simply assume in another way about political and social points.

The tools that Fb makes use of usually are not inherently evil: no tools are. You should use a hammer to build a home or bludgeon a spouse. It’s as much as the consumer, and Fb has lengthy defended itself for not being liable for the hate, bullying, swindling and despicable conduct most individuals have witnessed on Fb.

McNamee points to the work of a well-intentioned individual, who I consulted a few years in the past. Stanford Professor BJ Fogg, who fathered the idea of Persuasive Computing: how computer systems can be used to vary their angle and conduct. When I knew Prof. Fogg he talked enthusiastically about Persuasive Computing benefitting humankind, making us tolerant of variety.

McNamee says Fb uses Persuasive Computing as a device to not profit humankind, however to control it. It is Fb’s energy software not for the customers who’re the product however for advertisers which are the purchasers.

Fb found that when individuals are pissed off, they submit extra, the hyperlink extra, they stay on the social community longer. The corporate is agnostic about how it impacts individuals, so long as it permits them to realize revenue by sticking extra advertisements in entrance of our faces: From the corporate’s perspective you and I and another three billion individuals are not there to be entertained or in any other case made completely satisfied; we’re there to turn out to be knowledge factors for advert mongers.

With out Ethics

All the things we see and everybody instructed to us to Comply with or Like, every Group we’re invited to hitch is calculated by algorithms and based mostly on the perpetual collection of our knowledge. These algorithms, in fact, have machine intelligence, however they are devoid of different human qualities together with ethics, compassion, empathy, humor, irony, nuance or any want to discover a widespread floor between people who as soon as would respectfully disagree.

Filter Bubbles, Persuasive Computing and ever-more effective algorithms manipulate us and make us addictive. We belief newcomers into our private bubbles as a result of they know individuals we all know. This sound comforting in itself, however it reinforces what we already assume and introduces few new thoughts to ponder—until they piss us off or scare us. So, in case you are like my spouse, Paula Israel, who’s enthusiastic about protecting animals within the wild, you may be fed all types of stories and pictures about horrible things being executed to wolves or whales. For those who hate Donald Trump, you may be selected to get tons of studies on the obscenities he foments each day; and when you consider that America should not be the place it has been for welcoming the drained, poor, huddled plenty of the world, you’ll be fed pretend information about rapists, terrorists and drug runners massed at our southern borders plotting to destroy a neighborhood close to you.

Facebook’s knowledge has found out that once we are outraged, horrified, indignant or saddened, we keep on the social network longer. We share extra, we like extra, and we publish extra, and it has designed and calibrated it in order that we do this.

Brexit as a Petri Dish

The outcome, in fact, has an incredible deal to do with the mess we are in. Hackers and faux information mongers discovered to good voter manipulation throughout Brexit in 2015. Then they took what they discovered there and refined it to serve Donald Trump in 2016, and nothing has occurred to stop it from occurring once more within the US or anyplace else where there are purported to be free elections.

They have hired individuals to deal with the issue who have resigned in frustration, shortly after beginning. Basecamp, has stopped promoting or being current on Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp. In April, Proctor & Gamble set Facebook –and Google—on notice to vary their practices or lose the ad help of the world’s largest shopper products company. In the event that they depart, you’ll be able to assume others will comply with.

But to date, all this noise and concern, all these congressional inquiries and media diatribes haven’t prevented Fb from reporting larger and larger riches quarter after quarter after quarter.

I feel that is as a result of we addicts maintain coming back and permitting the algorithms to control our eyeballs.

A few of what I simply stated is in Zucked, while some are my own conclusion after reading simply half of this essential e-book. Like most of my readers, I’ve turn into increasingly concerned about Facebook’s choice for algorithms over ethics.

I have not yet completed the ebook as I mentioned. I’ve reached some extent where McNamee has shaped a small group of highly capable and influential people who are speaking to the media, advising influential elected officers and of course, writing articles and this e-book. They’re chatting with anyone who listens within the hope that if Fb won’t change itself than the federal government ought to do it for them.

In Silicon Valley’s strongest circles, there is a very lengthy historical past of Libertarianism in business: the consensus is that the tech business can self-regulate itself better than the federal government can do it. I have lengthy been of that thoughts, however this ebook has already satisfied me in any other case.

There’s little proof that the tech business will self-regulate with any higher integrity or effectiveness than the oil and fuel business of an earlier period where the government needed to break up Commonplace Oil in 1911.

Our business has been all concerning the legend of startups on the world’s financial system. Entrepreneurialism is on the shortlist of hope for the longer term. It’s a great dream full of fantastic tales, but the fact is that the miracle of the startup has been eclipsed by seemingly indestructible giants like Fb (and Google who shares lots of Fb’s questionable algorithmic manipulations).

As for me, I’m not about to go away both Fb or Google. My work still is determined by these platforms in an awesome many ways. But I am chopping back, increasingly more each day. Actually, I see Roger McNamee on the platform as properly.

I imagine there is a vanishing point someplace in my not-too-distant future. I might favor the break-up of Facebook by authorities, but I worry that each Congress and the Supreme Courtroom would shield the interests of shareholders and advertisers than of us, three billion addicts.

The post Zucked: When Algorithms Replace Ethics appeared first on Tech Amender.

#Blog #Cybersecurity #data #Digital marketing #Digital Technology

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