#and i liked it! bit of a mess. objectively good? not really. but i’ve enjoyed a lot

[sammygender]

spn s10 finale ate. sam as sacrificial lamb :(. can’t believe they fucking killed charlie

[mingtinysworld]

Shards of Lust

Pairing: Jeong Yunho x fem!reader

Genre: smut

Word count: 1k

Summary: you see your boyfriend sporting a new finger accessory and he notices you staring. He wouldn’t be a good boyfriend if he didn’t show you what he could do with it right?

Warnings: MDNI, fingering, sharp object included don’t actually do this irl

Network: @newworldnet

A/n: OK SO RIDKSJSKSK THE FINGER THINGS LIKE HELLO it’s actually been driving me crazy. I want to be fingered by him so bad like you don’t understand. Also sorry this was the shortest I’ve ever written💀 but hope you still enjoyed. Please like, comment and reblog ilyyyy. - J:)

You wake up groggily, slowly rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. As you sit up in bed you can see Yunho getting ready in the hotel mirror. He’s almost ready for the Coachella stage, just finalizing accessories and details. He looks very handsome in his black suit, looking like he’s ready for a business meeting.

You let out a sleepy sound and catch Yunho's attention through the mirror. He gives you a soft smile and you attempt to give him a smile back, even though your eyes are almost glued shut. You crawl to the edge of the bed and sprawl out, looking at him upside down.

"Good morning sweetie. Did you sleep well?" He asks.

"I guess. The time change is still messing with me though." You say with a pout.

"Aww baby, I know. It's alright, next week we'll be home and you can sleep in peace." He assures.

You nod along as your eyes graze over every inch of him. You observe the strange ring like accessories that he's putting on. He slides them on with ease and then flexes his hand in and out. You feel hypnotized and feel your eyes boring into the mirror. You unfold yourself from your pretzel form and go to stand behind Yunho.

You fit your chin against his shoulder and wrap your arms around his waist, breathing him in. He tilts his face downward and gives you a soft kiss on the forehead.

"Hi baby." He says gently. When you don't say anything and just freeze, he's concerned for a split second. He follows your line of sight and sees your transfixed stare on his hand. You're looking at the contraption that sits prettily on his index and middle finger with curiosity. It makes his hand look robotic almost, and the sharp tips glow menacingly, weirdly inviting in a way.

He watches you take it in, totally enjoying your reaction. He's pretty sure he can read your filthy thoughts at this point, from the way your breathing has stopped completely.

"You really love these, huh?" He asks with a knowing smirk. He wiggles his fingers, and you're broken out of your trance. You redden as you try to act normal, clearing your throat and making eye contact with Yunho.

"I-i mean I just think they're really cool! I've never seen anything like it." You trail off uncertainly.

He turns around to face you and grabs your elbows to guide you to the edge of the bed once more. He sits you down gently and crouches in front of you, looking up with sultry eyes.

"Do you want a demonstration?" He questions. You give him a quizzical look, mind completely blanking.

"W-what? A demonstration of what?" You ask with a nervous gulp.

He flexes his hand and looks down at it. "How this works. How it feels." He leans closer, his lips mere millimeters from yours.

"Please." You plead with a hushed murmur. You’re not exactly sure what you’re pleading for. His lips are finally on yours and he kisses you with a quiet intensity, stroking your exposed thighs. You hum into his mouth, enjoying the feel of his touch on your skin. He drags his hands up higher to the waistband of your shorts and tugs lightly. You get his message and lift your hips high enough for him to slip off the material. He takes your underwear with it, leaving your bottom half exposed. You wiggle a bit impatiently and he stills your moving hips with a firm hand.

"Now be good for me alright? I don't have much time so let's make the best of it." He reminds you of the fact that he has to leave for rehearsals soon. You stay still and anticipate what's to come. He spreads your plush thighs apart, strings of arousal stretching in between. He chuckles quietly to himself and moves even closer. He lays his whole palm against your cunt and you shudder from the feel of the cold metal against your most intimate part.

He moves up and down slightly, making you release shallow breaths. Still keeping eye contact with you, he slowly enters one armored finger. He goes slow as to not hurt you with the sharp tip, although you wish he would just destroy you. He gauges your reaction and is pleased when he sees you trying so hard to not squirm. He speeds up the force of his finger and you gasp and hold on to his shoulder.

"Another one please." You choke out.

Yunho looks at you concerned for a second, but immediately complies as he sees the state you're in. Your eyes are glistening with unshed tears and your mouth is making the most sinful sounds. He can feel his pants tightening with every whimper you let out, but his focus is totally on you for today.

He adds a second finger and you can feel the noticeable stretch instantly. His unforgiving pace makes you see stars and you clench around him, making him groan with gritted teeth. You squeeze his shoulder again, needing something to ground you. The cold metal drags against your walls and sharpens the tight feeling in your core. Once he hits your spongy spot you're done for. Your orgasm washes over you and you gasp from the intensity of it.

Yunho pulls his fingers out and sees that the metal is completely covered in your juices. Before you can stop him he puts the fingers in his mouth and makes a show of licking every inch clean. You groan in humiliation and throw yourself back to lay flat. He chuckles at you and grabs tissues to help clean you up. You stare at the ceiling and process everything. You loved the experience so much, wanting to do it all over again.

Once you're clean and clothed Yunho gets ready to leave, he kisses you goodbye and heads to the door. He gives you a silly finger wave and you wave right back, but before he can shut the door behind him, you hold it open and lean towards him and whisper.

"I think we might have to make that lil gadget into a regular occurrence."

[henry7931]

Haunted By A Horny Ghost

Travis:

6 months ago, I purchased my house and I got an amazing deal for it. Granted I’ve heard some of the rumors about it being haunted but I don’t really believe in that stuff. Or I didn’t until now!

I’d hear an occasional creaking of the stairs or some noise in the hallway. I always told myself that I’m just getting worked up from some made up story. And at no point did I actually see any evidence, no shadow figures, objects floating, idk things ghost do.

And I have a lot of personal stuff going on, being single and young can be tough. And I have a lot of bills to pay.

But a few weeks ago, my step dad’s nephew Brad (or my step cousin) came to me after a bad break up and needing somewhere to live— I figured a roommate for a little bit could help me save up some cash.

Brad is your typical straight guy, loves sports, goes to sport bars at night when he’s not at his construction job.

I figured living with him couldn’t be that bad. That said, in practicality he’s a bit of a slob at home and his room is a mess. Dirty laundry laying everywhere, he brings over his buds and girls over for late night hook ups. He can be a bit of a pain at times but I have to remember that I’m getting half of my mortgage paid right now.

But one night, Brad came home late like 2 in the morning. I was still up myself. I was supposed to have a guy come over that night since I knew I had the place to myself but unfortunately he cancelled last minute.

So I was a little drunk and horny. When I heard the Brad’s Uber pull up, I peaked out the window to see if he brought anyone home. Luckily, it was just him clumsy climbing out of the car.

As I watch him approach the door, I see him struggling to get it open.

I roll my eyes, I guess I’ll help him out.

I head to the stairs, when I hear the door finally open up. I start to turn back around when out of nowhere I hear Brad screaming on the top of his lungs.

I rush down the stairs only to see something that I never thought I’d ever see…

Brad is standing by the shut door while astral smoke shaped like a person forces itself down his throat.

Unsure what to do, I stood frozen in one spot. I watched whatever was forcing itself into Brad go all the way into him.

His eyes close… and then reopen. He takes a deep breath of air.

“God it feels so good to breathe again! Wait a minute, am I drunk??”

He starts laughing to myself and I try to back up. I take my back leg and try to step backwards. But the floor are wooden and old. As I step back, he hears it and looks directly at me.

“Oh it’s you! Travis right?”

“Ahhh shit!!!”

I rush up the stairs running in a panic. All I can hear in the background is Brad’s voice saying, “Wait!!! Stop running!!”

I get to my bedroom, I lock the door and try to think of a game plan to get out.

I look around my room, think to myself— I could tie my sheets together and go out the window.

That’s when I hear a knock.

“Travis, it’s me. I don’t know what all you saw but can we talk?”

What can I do? Risk the chance of breaking my neck by going out the window or reason with the ghost now inhabiting Brad not to kill me.

“Travis! I promise I’m not going to hurt you!! Please open up!” he says banging louder.

I look around my room for something I could use as a weapon but unfortunately the only thing I can find is a clothing hanger.

“Hey im going to open up but you better not try anything funny!” I say back to him holding the hanger in hand.

“You have my word, I won’t harm you.”

With the coat hanger in one hand, I carefully unlock the door and open it.

Standing outside of the door is Brad’s body, grinning at me.

“Well hi, what are you going to do with that coat hanger?”

“Protect myself!” I blurt out.

He starts laughing at me and says, “well fyi if you hit me with it you’re just hurting this guy. Plus, he’s a lot taller than you.”

“Fuck, fine.”

I lower the coat hanger and let him come in.

He glides into the room and he seems to be enjoying himself.

I watch him and he eventually says to me, “so ask the question you want to know the answer to.”

“Huh?”

“I know you want answers, so ask.”

“Okay… are you a ghost?”

“Yes”

“And is Brad still alive?”

“Also, yes— he’s in here but in like a dormant state while I drive.”

I feel somewhat realized to know that Brad’s okay.

“So why are you possessing Brad when I’ve been here longer.”

“Well who’s to say I haven’t possessed you?”

“WHAT?!?”

“Kidding, no Brad’s my first time taking over someone. I honestly wasn’t sure if it was due able but I did it! The real question you should be asking is what made me choose tonight to try and take over Brad.”

“Okay, why tonight?”

“Well… Travis, I’ve been watching you since you moved in. I hope that’s not too creepy. Being a ghost and stuck inside a house, leaves me with very little to do. But you and I have a lot in common. Both of us are gay, we share a lot of the same interests. Hell you and I even like the same porn. I guess what I’m saying is that, I have a bit of a crush on you. And after seeing you get stood up tonight, I felt like you deserve someone to uhh— keep you company.”

I was shocked, not only has a gay ghost been watching me for over six months but he’s now flirting with me?

“Sorry if this is a bit much but I find you to be so attractive. And now that I have a body, I was hoping you would be down to have a little fun together.”

“Uhhh I don’t know what to say, it’s a bit strange since that is Brad’s body.”

“Oh really? So you didn’t sneak into his room the other week and take his dirty socks just to jerk off while inhaling them.”

“Oh god you saw me do that?”

“Yeah and it was hot as fuck! Listen, I know Brad’s body may not be your first choice but he’s straight guy cute. And I know you’ve thought about him in ways you’d normally wouldn’t admit. But right now, I’m in control of him and you can do whatever you want with me.”

He starts pulling off all of Brad’s clothes until he’s fully naked. I can’t help but stare at Brad’s massive dick swinging between his legs.

He gets into my bed and reaches for Brad’s cock. He gingerly play with it while watching me.

“Travis, please join me. This cock is so eager right now, you can smell my big stinky feet. I haven’t bathed all day…”

He runs brads fingers between his taint and balls. He lifts up his hand and sniffs it.

“Fuccccckkk, you need to come get a whiff of my balls.”

I’m so hard now. I walk over to him and out for Brad’s left foot. I bring it up to my face and sniff it.

I feel myself slowly lose control of the situation and just accept all of the lust running through me.

“I knew you like these feet Trav. Here come taste this cock.”

He holds it up like a prize, I take it out of his hands and press the head of it to my lips.

It’s so warm… I lick the tip of it and rub my tongue down his shaft. When I get to his balls, I take in a breath. Just consuming the smell of them.

“That’s it, doesn’t that smell so good.”

“Mhmmm…”

I pull off my clothes and I notice his eyes go straight to my dick.

“You wanna touch it?” I say to him.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to touch it.”

I come closer to him and he gently touches my dick. He makes a moaning sound and I notice pre-cum leaks out of Brad’s dick.

“You have the handsomest dick I’ve ever seen,” he says to me.

“Thanks haha.”

“No I mean it. You’re so cute Travis. Between your green eyes, brown curly hair, that freckle right above your happy trail, your sexy hairy legs, and those beautiful feet. Can I see them?”

“Sure.”

I let him take my feet into his hands and watch him press them against his face.

I let him lick my soles for a minute before he stops to say, “ you wanna take this up a notch?”

I nod my head and he pulls me in for a kiss. I can taste the whiskey Brad was drinking earlier.

We start making out and both of us are tangled up, our feet rubbing up and down on one another’s legs. Both of us have each other’s junk in our hand.

I feel around until I grab on to one of his butt cheeks.

He let’s do so much to him. Suck on his toes, sniff his pits, play with his nipples… and in return u let him do the same.

By the end, it’s morning. We’ve spent the entire night just edging each other.

By this point, he has Brad’s toes wrapped around my dick and I try to hold back but my cock has been toyed with for over 4 hours now.

I let out this loud moan and streams of cum squirt onto Brad’s feet.

He keeps stroking it with his toes until every last drop has been drained out of me.

He takes Brad’s cum soaked feet and licks every inch of them off.

He calls for me gesturing for me to finish him off.

I grab his dick and force it down my throat. I do it over and over until he immediately comes down it.

Both of us exhausted, lay back in my bed. I cuddled up to him and say, “hey thanks for tonight. By the way, what’s your actual name?”

“It’s Sebastian but you can call me Seb.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you Seb.”

I curl up to him and soon pass out.

By one the next day, I wake up and thought last night may have been a weird dream. I look over and Seb isn’t in bed with me.

I get up to go pee and walk past Brad’s room. But to my surprise he’s not in bed.

I walk to the bathroom and see Brad naked looking at himself in the mirror.

He turns around to me and says, “Yo! What the hell Trav, have you heard of knocking?”

“Oh sorry Brad!”

“HAHAHA just messing with you! It’s me Seb.”

I feel blood rushing to my dick knowing that last night wasn’t a dream after all.

I walk over to pee and peak over at Seb.

He’s checking Brad’s body out in the mirror and starts flexing.

“I tried to leave his body this morning but I don’t really know how to…”

“Oh,” I say to him.

“Not that I’m in a rush to leave but I guess I really didn’t think this one through.”

“Well I don’t mind having you around.” I say to him.

I finish peeing and turn around to him. My eyes focus on Brad’s bubbly butt.

I grab his cheek and he lets out a yelping noise. I press my morning wood on his ass and he grins.

“Someone’s perky this morning.”

“I guess I’m just excited to have some more fun with my new ghost friend.”

“Well I have nothing better to do in the after life so I’m all yours for the day.”

I kiss him on his back and say, “whenever you’re done with the mirror come to my room.”

Seb follow me and we start an entire day of fooling around and talking.

I spend hours with his feet with my head at the end of the bed while does the same with mine. Both of us rubbing and playing with each toe. I just love how hairy and smelly they are.

Seb tells me about his previous life, how he used to live here and died from a freak accident one day. He seems like he’s been lonely all of these years.

“It was so refreshing seeing you move in, I was so bored for so long Trav. Then walks in this handsome guy.”

“Well my life hasn’t been too exciting either, I guess you can I’ve been lonely too.”

I feel him tickle my sole.

“Hey!”

“Sorry couldn’t resist!”

Days passed and Seb still could not figure out how to get out of Brad. Which I didn’t know if he was lying or not. I honestly didn’t want him to leave.

And by a month, Seb figured out Brad’s job and all of the things he needed to know to pretend to be him.

3 months in and we’re officially together. Seb loves all of the new video games he’s missed over the last 20 years while I just love watching him.

And we get soooo kinky! I’ll suck him off while he plays some game.

He even lets me tie him up. Which is sooo hot to me.

I’d like to think of that night as a fresh start for the both of us. And I couldn’t be happier with my horny ghost boyfriend!

[gretavanfleetposts]

Nothing Breaks Like A Heart - Part Three of Make Her Happy

Author's Note: The long-awaited part three! I'm a dually incredibly embarrassed that this took almost an entire year to finish. The time really got away from me LOL So I'm very sorry for that but I hope you all enjoy (and fingers crossed it was worth at least some of that wait)

Content Warnings: lots of swearing, bit of drinking

Word Count: 6k

Part One - Make Her Happy

Part Two - Give Me Shelter

One of the last things Jake had said to you before he'd left was that you should talk to Josh. And that was exactly what you hadn't done.

In fact, you’d let two weeks slip by like sand through your fingers without poking or prodding the topic even once. You’d clung to your avoidance like battle armor and if you were honest with yourself, you feared losing Jake just as much as you feared losing Josh.

So you and Josh hadn’t spoken and nothing had changed, nothing other than the fact that it felt Jake had been keeping his distance. Or maybe you were just more sensitive to his absence now that it felt necessary.

Damn him for being a good brother. For being better than me.

He was better than you, it seemed. Because he had put you to bed two weeks ago and left under the impression you were going to do the right thing and instead, you'd avoided your problems and had once again come running to Jake to have him make you feel better.

No, not to make me feel better. Just to play a stupid game. That's all.

He must have heard the honk of your car locking because you had barely made it to the front door before he was suddenly standing there in your way, a look on his face that somehow tangled caution and amusement into one jumbled mess expressed as a half-quirked smile and eyebrows that dipped low in the middle of his forehead. It was an expression that quite matched how you felt, butterflies and guilt and all.

“I take it you two didn't talk.”

Is it that obvious?

“What a way to greet a lady,” you said with a sudden scowl as you pushed past him through the doorway and led yourself to his kitchen.

To say you weren’t quite ready to broach that topic would have been an understatement.

“Why do you seem so chipper?” he asked from behind you as he followed your path through his home.

“I can't be happy to see you?” you threw back at him as you dropped your tote bag off your shoulder and onto the pristine marble of his kitchen island with a familiar muffled clang of a glass bottle shrouded by thin canvas to dull the promise it rang out into the air as it was set down. A little something for the soul.

“I guess I’ve admittedly grown a little bit more used to being greeted with tears. But this is a nice change.”

He gave you a sweet smile but paired with the way his eyes seem to wilt at the outer corners, you could see the sadness it held. It reminded you of the guilt you carried around with you constantly lately, only with a new object of affection. How selfish of you to think that this hadn’t taken any toll on him at all.

Your eyes turned soft. “I'm sorry. I am. You've been my sunshine these past several months. I hope you know that.”

Even as you said it, you knew it couldn’t begin to articulate what it was you really felt for him. But it was enough just to see the rose of a deep blush tinge his cheeks red and turn his smile suddenly bashful.

“Happy to provide,” was all he said in that typical, raspy, almost sleepy voice of his.

It was hard not to chuckle at the things he found too intimate to take in stride. It was fine for him to call you what he had in bed but heaven forbid you call him your sunshine…

“Don't think I didn't notice you dodging my original question though,” he added, breaking your concentration.

Oh yeah. My problems. How lovely of him to remind me.

You quirked up an accusing eyebrow. “Like how you dodged my compliment just now?”

“Ever so expertly,” he answered, this time with an unabashed smile that spread his lips wide across his face.

You felt your gaze dart away before you could even stop it, a heavy sigh pillowing in your chest before expelling into the air like a pot on the stove blowing off steam to keep from boiling over.

“I need one night of just…not talking about it.” You’d had plenty of nights of that, actually. What was one more? “Or thinking about it, preferably.” And then to really catch his attention and maybe even further drive home your point, you reached into your bag to uncloak the wine.

There was a specific smile he always donned when alcohol was present and when it took hold, you knew you could take it as an agreement to drop it, at least while there was a full bottle to contend with.

He took it from your grasp with only a dutiful nod, turning the dark glass over in his hands to inspect the label despite the fact that he likely knew nothing printed there would catch his eye. You had one sense of taste that trumped all others when it came to using fermented drinks to bandage your wounds: cheap.

“What am I if not a seasoned distraction?” he asked, already digging into a cupboard to procure two large, round glasses.

“That's why I seek you out,” you answered with a smile as you watched his hands work and tried your hardest not to think back to that first time he had served as your distraction.

“Well, hopefully that’s not the only reason.”

It was that comment that caught you and sent your stomach into a twist unbecoming of someone who was very much not single, especially given the way it suddenly brought the memory of your second time to the forefront of your mind, a time when it was hardly a distraction so much as it was a necessity in that moment. 

No, distraction wasn’t the only reason you were there. Comfort either. You’d grown to long for his company in a much deeper way. It wasn’t company in general he was providing you with, it was his and his alone.

And the game, of course. Mostly that.

“What's on the agenda for the night?” Jake asked as if he hadn’t just sent you into a deep spiral of thought that you’d been hoping to avoid that evening.

At least he’d been kind enough to pour you a glass of wine without you asking.

“I brought candyland since you owe me a rematch for what you did last time.”

The memory of your pieces scattered on the floor along with every card in the deck like a colorful patchwork quilt that you'd made him clean up both times he'd done it brought an earnest smile to his face.

“I'll flip the board again if you don't let me get tipsy first.”

You certainly didn't have to wonder if he was serious so with the preservation of your game in mind, you agreed with a nod and a, “Seems fair to me,” as you reached out for your wine. But he was already retreating by the time your fingers reached the air that the temptation in a glass once occupied.

“Come here,” he said with a mischievous look overtaking his face. “Something I want to show you.”

This time it was you left following him through his home, both glass stems tucked snugly between talented fingers like he was beckoning you to chase him if you wanted yours. And you did want yours. That was why, despite the sudden flurry of nerves that his look seemed to conjure in your chest, you did as you were told and followed him.

I swear to God, if he's talking about his dick…

You actually weren't sure what you'd do. Probably not the decent thing.

But to your surprise, he led you to a usually barren room save for the red Persian rug warming the middle and the walls outlined in vintage instruments ready to be plucked off the wall and played. Except today, the center of the room wasn't barren as it had been for months.

The room opened up to greet you with a warm mahogany welcome in the shape of a baby grand piano that instantly made your fingers itch. It wasn't so different from the piano you'd been toying with at the party where you and Josh had met. Of course, you weren't as good a player as he was but you certainly knew your way around.

“Figured we rehearse here enough it was worth the investment,” you heard Jake say from behind you where he now stood watching as you carefully perched yourself onto the little matching mahogany bench.

“My God, she is beautiful,” you breathed as you opened the fallboard to uncover a full set of vintage ebony and ivory that seemed to practically yearn for your touch.

Your fingers danced out a quick melody that warmed your joints as much as it did your demeanor. You hadn't played much lately. Actually, you hadn't really played at all. But there were some things that stuck with you, worked their way into your bones, maybe into your very DNA. And this was one of them.

“Does this mean you're going to learn?” you asked, turning your focus back to him as you swiveled to find his face.

“I'd need a teacher for that and I refuse to let Sam fill that role.”

He gave you a cheeky smile that you read instantly. It was an open invitation for you to take on the role of said teacher, so you stood and, taking your wine glass from his hand finally, made a grand sweeping gesture toward the now unoccupied piano bench.

He took his seat, pretending to throw his imagined coat tails over the bench, earning a giggle that swished the wine in your glass. You hovered not too far behind him as he cracked his knuckles and cleared his throat, making a quite thorough display of his preparation only to put fingers to keys and press out one of the more off-key renditions of twinkle twinkle little star you'd ever heard. And he was met with another giggle that seemed to only encourage his actions.

“Oh that's amazing. You must teach me your ways,” you joked with a smile as you set your glass down on the floor just out of the way.

“Save me, please,” he answered with a hoarse laugh, finally slowing his fingers to a halt but keeping them positioned on the keys.

You approached him slowly, coming up close behind his back to stretch your arms over his shoulders and let your fingers find rest overtop his just as delicately as your chest grazed the wide plane of his back. You could smell his cologne strong on his neck as you guided his fingers to better position them amongst the keys, your breath dusting his cheek with each exhale. And you swore you could almost tell that he was holding in a breath if you paid close enough attention to the movement in his shoulders that seemed to have suddenly stilled.

Somewhere among your skin resting against his and your hair tickling his neck, the world around you seemed to grow still and quiet, fading into a background of white noise and blurred lines. And then you pressed your fingers more firmly into his and a striking chord sliced through the air alongside whatever breath Jake had been holding.

“There, just like that,” you said in a voice far shakier than you had hoped it would turn out to be.

But he was silent, letting you guide his fingers slowly up to a new chord, or outstretching a pinky to hit a further key as yours nudged it, never saying a word. He let you play that way, through him, feeling the notes through the strength and dexterity of his talented fingers that fit so snugly beneath yours and obeyed your every command.

“I knew I was good at something,” he joked in a whisper that barely traveled up above the note lingering beneath your hold until he turned his face dangerously to the side to face yours.

It brought his nose only an inch from yours but what felt even more dangerous were his eyes and the quick flicker they made to your lips, resting parted and practically panting. You didn’t even realize your own breathing had picked up until you suddenly became aware of the heat reaching your palms, heat he could likely feel radiating through his skin still resting beneath yours. And just as quickly as the moment had been conjured, he turned his face back to his hands and yours retreated entirely just before you darted over to your glass of wine to down the contents while he continued to fiddle with keys.

“You're a good student,” you commented as evenly as you could as you took a seat on the bench next to him. A much safer spot than where you had been.

“You’re a good teacher,” he answered with a quick flash of a smile in your direction, fingers still tripping over keys and filling the air around you with a disjointed music that you admittedly didn’t mind.

“Well, maybe not as good as you.” It came out rather absently as you had taken to fiddling with a random key yourself, turning your attention to that instead of the familiar pounding of your heart in your chest, a rhythmic reminder of the effect Jake had on you.

When he turned to face you again, you could feel his eyes hot on your cheek. You wanted to be brave and face him but there was something about his knowing gaze that made you feel that much more defeated. You felt like a terrible person, in all actuality. How could you have fallen for your boyfriend’s brother? Was that actually what you had done or were you just using him like a bandaid? Did you even know anymore?

Maybe it’s just the sex I like.

“Is that why you're here?” he asked, his gaze somehow even hotter than before. “You need another lesson?”

God, can he read my mind?

For a brief moment, you found yourself debating it. It didn’t feel like that was what you had come for but you certainly weren’t ignorant to the need that radiated through your body every time he so much as glanced in your direction. But you also weren’t ignorant to just how wrong it really felt. However it had felt that first time, hesitant as you had been, the glances you stole now didn’t feel that way. They didn’t feel harmless. They didn’t feel like something Josh had signed off his approval on.

And for now, the guilt rang strong enough through your body to stop you from doing something worse.

“I'm here to beat you at candyland,” you answered, eyes finally braving his face only to be greeted by a smile that seemed to be growing by the second.

“Well that's just not going to happen.”

—

“That is cheating!” you yelled over the board as you angrily moved Jake's piece back several spaces behind yours.

“It is not, my piece was planning on being there this whole time,” he argued back, grabbing it from your hand to return it to the space he had just placed it on with his hand that wasn't gripping his wine glass like his life depended on it.

You weren't sure if it was the booze or the antics of the game, but his British accent was starting to slip out the more uncivilized he got and you were trying your best to be stern despite the smile it was holding permanently to your lips.

“It doesn't matter what he was planning on, you didn't roll high enough to go that far!”

He gave you a displeased shake of his head as he finally took his piece back, “accidentally” knocking yours over in the process.

“I don't think you're playing this right,” he mumbled before chugging the remaining contents of his third glass of wine.

“I'm sorry you don’t get to just do whatever you want,” you laughed as you wrestled another card out of his hand seeing as it most certainly was not his turn.

“Well that is too bad, isn't it,” he said gruffly although even he was struggling to keep the smile off his face and commit to the bit.

The day had grown so late that darkness had finally come to greet you and this was your third attempt at a civilized game, which you were beginning to think was simply impossible with Jake. He just couldn’t seem to stop cheating.

Let’s not read too much into that.

By the time you had maneuvered all of the cards away from him thanks to that all-too familiar gleam in his eye, he sat back in his seat to let a comfortable silence grow between you both, silent glances exchanged as a buzz settled over you both. But in the silence and the calm grew that familiar heat, a buzz brought on by more than just the alcohol consumed that night. There was something about it, those quiet, gentle moments, that turned the volume of tension about the room up several levels, like you couldn't trust yourselves to be around one another in such a still moment without busying your hands and your bodies with one another. Like you were always just waiting for the next opportunity for it.

That was how it felt: like you were waiting. And suddenly in the haven of golden light in your little secluded pocket of the night, in the quietness of his gaze trying to stay fixed to anything but you, you felt you shouldn't be there.

Why had you come?

Jake cleared his throat and nudged your empty wine glass. “You want more?”

You gave him a light shake of your head and an answer just as soft. “I'm driving.”

He nodded in return and cast his eyes to his hands. He almost looked nervous. Why would he be nervous?

When he met your eyes again, you could tell he was searching your face for something. But what it was he was looking for, you had no idea. And if he found it, you had no idea of that either. But as you gazed back, you found yourself unable to look away, unable to hide your face or your eyes or your feelings from him. Whatever it was you were feeling, you let him see it there on your features like a book written just for him.

It's him I want. That's why I came.

It seemed to hit you all at once and suddenly the need for action seemed just as real.

“I guess I should go.”

Before I do something I shouldn't.

He nodded again, adding an almost silent “okay” that somehow made the task of getting up all the more hard. But somehow, your feet shuffled and your legs moved and your body, which seemed to be of much more sound mind than your actual mind, moved its way to the kitchen sink, wine glass in hand.

“You don't have to do that,” you heard Jake say from behind you.

Close behind you.

“I don't mind,” you answered quietly as you continued to turn the faucet on and rinse the glass.

That was when you felt him at your back, arms emerging from either side and his hands, practically shaking, entwining themselves with yours to steal the glass away from your grip.

“Here,” he whispered, “let me.”

Fuck.

You weren't exactly sure what it was that suddenly surged through you but the moment the glass was set safely on the counter, you turned into his arms to face him, lacing your fingers into his shirt buttoned ever so lazily. And the move brought your mouth mere inches from his, your bodies practically pressed tight to one another.

There was greed on your lips, greed you wanted him to taste.

“Jake, I want you,” you whispered without even an ounce of shame, finally giving in to what you had been fighting all evening.

It was met with his eyes winding tightly shut as a blow of frustrated air pushed from his lungs. “Don't do that to me,” he shook his head. “That's not fair.”

“You're right, it's not fair-”

Your lips were practically on his when he suddenly pulled back several steps, out of your grasp.

“This can't happen,” he said sternly, although whether that was for you or for him you weren't entirely sure.

What you were sure of though was the embarrassment seeping into your very being. And then the guilt. They seemed to freeze you in your place.

God, what am I doing?

What was worse was that you had thought he wanted you too. Had you read it all wrong? Had you read everything wrong? Was he only entertaining you because he could see your desperation so plainly in everything you did? Was it only pity he felt for you?

Josh had no time for you and now Jake didn’t want you either.

You took a few steps away from the sink, aimless, wandering, before your face fell into your hands, to hide it, to soothe yourself, to try and disappear.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated frantically, practically in a panic. “I don't know what I'm doing. It's just…it's not working.”

“You need to tell him that.”

God, the sympathy you now heard in his voice might have made you feel even worse.

“He knows that.”

“Babe-”

“I plan to,” you burst suddenly, hands falling away from your face to make way for the much louder sentiment, as unsure as it sounded. “I'm going to,” you repeated, “I just thought…”

You trailed off into nothing, totally defeated. You weren’t sure what you had thought but god, you were tired of this. Why was this so difficult? Why was this so complicated? Why hadn’t Josh just shown up like he was supposed to?

You looked to Jake somehow hoping he could give you the answers you were searching for but he looked just as confused, just as lost. And the longer you looked the more he looked…something else entirely.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked almost desperately.

You stuttered. “I mean…I think it's obvious. Or…maybe it isn't, I don't know, I just-”

“We can't be together,” he suddenly blurted out.

If his previous rejection hadn’t hurt, this certainly did. And it brought back to you the words he had said two weeks ago on the couch over pizza and comfort, only this time they seemed to form a coherence they hadn’t quite had when he’d spoken them then.

‘He knows I'm not the answer’.

And then the words that cut a little deeper. A little sharper.

‘Maybe that's why he sends me. He isn't worried about it’.

You wrapped your arms around yourself, all-too aware of what your body language was giving away. You had read it all wrong.

“I…I know that,” you answered quietly, pathetically, even though it wasn’t the truth. Not even close. “I know that.”

His eyes found your face again, this time more frantic, like he knew what he had just done but didn't have any choice in the matter. He raised his hand to your elbow, leaning in as he gripped you. He might have shaken you to try and get you to understand what he was saying if he thought that would go over better than his fingers alone.

“Listen to me, I'm telling you you need to do the right thing. He's my brother. But I can't…I can't be your answer.”

Those damn pesky tears were back, and with a vengeance. If you didn't dart out of there sooner rather than later, you'd be nothing but a puddle of salty water on his kitchen floor and you suddenly had no desire to let him see you that way.

There was anger there too, as misplaced as you knew it was, forming just as quickly and swelling into something so hot it practically blurred your vision. You felt almost lied to. Talk about fucking mixed signals. But you let out a long, terse, “okayyy” without even meeting his eyes, already mentally planning your escape.

“I love you, I do. I love you too much to-”

Bullshit.

“No, I get it,” you interjected before he could drive the knife any deeper. “It's good to know where you stand. Thank you.”

He called out for you more than once but it fell on deaf ears. You were already out of the house.

—

“Where were you?”

Good God, can’t the universe give me a break?

Josh's voice coming out of the near darkness startled you. You knew he was there. You'd seen his car in the driveway when you pulled in. But something about it felt like he was catching you in the middle of sneaking out. Or rather, sneaking in.

“I was out,” was all you said as you sat your things down and kicked off your shoes. You prayed your eyes weren’t still red and puffy from the crying you did on the car ride home.

“Just out?”

There was concern in his voice. You could hear it without even fully seeing his face where it was, shrouded in shadow that seemed all too fitting for the conversation you knew very well was about to be had. He could have easily been hiding from you. Fuck, you wanted to hide from him too.

You wanted to spare him the sigh that was brewing in your chest but it barreled out of you before you could stop it. “I needed to get my thoughts together,” you explained as you stepped further into the house and into the hall where you could better see him.

That was a mistake.

There was already pain in his eyes. Already a redness that you suspected was from his own tears. He knew where this was headed as well as you did.

Fuck, this might actually kill me.

“Why doesn't that sound good?” He gave you a nervous chuckle and the only smile he could manage, both of which fell flat.

“Josh, I…” There was actually nothing coming to your mind, try as hard as you did to think of the right thing to say. To think of anything to say for that matter. But he took pity on you instead and cut right to it. Something you might have been thankful for under any other circumstances. Well, maybe you still were thankful for it given these circumstances.

“I know,” he said without prompting. “I've been spread so thin lately-”

“For a while,” you corrected, only a tinge of the bitterness you felt biting into your tone. “And it's not really feeling like ‘spread thin’ so much as it is not making the time for…certain things. Things that should be a priority.”

Well that certainly sounded bitter.

“I know, baby. I've been wrapped up in a million little things. We're working on a new sound but it has required more of me than the others.”

You felt yourself wince at the pet name, a lump in your throat forming almost out of nowhere and suddenly threatening to strangle you.

You fought against it to push the words out. “Josh, I hear you, I really do, but this just isn't sustainable for me.”

He nodded at this but you could tell he was deep in thought. And his silence seemed to drag on for an eternity. Agonizingly. But when he finally broke it, you found yourself missing that silence.

“Does this have something to do with Jake?” he asked, raising his eyes to yours to undoubtedly impress upon you the importance of the question.

Suddenly you felt cold despite the sweat practically pooling in your palms and the heat flaring in your ears. You couldn't face him and tell him that you had fallen for Jake after all of the late nights you'd spent with him. You couldn’t admit to him the embarrassing truth that you had gone to seek him out, lying to yourself about why the whole time. And you certainly couldn’t admit to him how often you had thought of his brother when you found yourself alone over the past few months. But Josh seemed to glean every last one of those secrets from your silence alone.

“Where were you?” He finally asked the question you'd skirted around when you'd arrived home.

You didn't rarely hear Josh with anything you could call stern in his voice but you heard it now in his question. And his eyes begged the answer from you just as desperately as his tone did.

That was when you began to feel the tears well up for the second time that night. Your undereyes wouldn’t recover until the next week.

“Josh-” you croaked out, although he didn't seem to need you to finish whatever thought you were weakly stringing together into words.

“I shouldn't have let him do it. I shouldn't have let him near you that way.”

“It wouldn't have mattered,” you tried.

“Yes it would have. We wouldn't be here right now if I hadn't pushed you into his arms.”

“If it hadn't been him, I would have just been alone. All alone, Josh.” Even with the tears streaming silently down your face, you said his name pointedly enough that his shoulders seemed to slump and whatever anger was brewing for his brother was waning. “All alone for months and months thinking my boyfriend couldn't care less. Hoping I would at least get a text from you that time rather than Jake acting like some sort of carrier pigeon, as if that was any replacement.”

You'd never seen him so hurt. You'd never seen his face droop and fall that way, his lips melting downward at the corners and the liquid warmth of his eyes almost freezing over. Even his curls seemed to lose their bounce. He was wilting right in front of you and it only made it harder to breathe. It only made it harder to stand there and face him and say whatever the fuck it was you’d been putting off for that very reason.

If you don't do it now, you never will.

You wiped at your tears as best you could, trying to pull yourself together. “It hurts me,” you started. “Having you so close and yet so far constantly, it hurts me and I just can't do it anymore. And I don't want to wait until I resent you. I can't sit around waiting for that to happen. It'll kill me if I ever feel that way for you.”

Tears were now pouring down his face as he shook his head. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

If he said anything else, you could barely hear it above the racing of your heart in your chest and the dam breaking somewhere behind your eyes. It was like a tsunami when it came, folding you over until you slumped around yourself on the ground to let it wrack through your body. And he was there just as quickly, holding you despite the fact that he most certainly didn't have to. Clinging to you and his sorry's.

You weren't sure how much time passed as you sat there. You could hardly feel it ticking through your tears and a feeling that felt awfully close to regret. You couldn't feel the passage of the wind and the world beyond the strength of Josh's arms holding fast to your form, knowing that when he let go, he wouldn't have this opportunity again. It almost felt cruel, like a moment you should have had among many others but was stolen away from you all at once. So you basked in it. You bathed in it. You memorized his touch and his smell and the way it felt to be supported, even if you hadn't felt it in a while.

You had your reasons, you knew that. Had to remind yourself of it, even. But at the moment, you had nothing but him.

The tears always dried though. They always racked your body and stripped you of your strength and energy and when they vacated, just like they always did, you were left sitting, leaning against the wall of the hallway, in an almost daze-like state. Stuck in a limbo between sorrow and anger and humor. Every emotion you had seemed to sit at the edge of your being waiting for a moment to pounce in a state like this, and you were always left wondering what would take hold next.

Josh mimicked your movements, sitting opposite you like a mirror into what you probably looked like. And for a while, you sat in silence.

“I just want you to be happy,” he said after several moments. “That's all I've ever wanted.”

You nodded and sniffled, wiping your eyes and your nose with the back of your hand like a toddler.

“I know.”

“I mean it.”

I know.

You nodded again but this time when you spoke, your voice was even.

“I know.”

You tapped your fingers against your knee, butt going numb against the hardwood floor and eyes feeling stiff at the corners thanks to the dried tears accumulated there. And it was funny in a way that really wasn’t funny at all that as you sat there and stared at Josh silently, you couldn't help but think to yourself how beautiful he was.

Fucking twins.

“Does Jake make you happy?” Josh asked suddenly, studying your face.

The short answer was yes but the long answer?

‘He knows I'm not the answer’.

“I don't know,” you admitted. And you hoped he believed you when you said it because you really didn't.

You liked how he made you feel. You liked that he was there when no one else was. But was he the answer? You had no idea, actually. Maybe you wanted him to be more than he actually was. Or maybe, just maybe, you just liked having sex with him.

Ha. Well, that's at least some of it. Not that it matters anymore.

You were shamelessly giggling to yourself at the entirely humorless situation you found yourself in even before Josh joined in, bringing his hand to hide his mouth like he was in on the secret joke and attempting to keep it just that, a secret.

“You should probably decide before I have a chance to kill him.” And then after a moment, he added, “Well to be honest with you, I might just kill him anyway.”

You couldn't even explain why but that did you in, spurred a full on fit of laughter. And somehow, Josh found himself laughing right beside you.

Typical Josh. Always a bright spot. Even if it hurt him to be.

—

You hadn't left your house in days. Hadn't washed your sweatpants in as long either. The takeout boxes were certainly piling up too. And had you already finished off the last of your wine stockpile?

Gonna need to hit the grocery store soon. Or Instacart, at the very least.

And when your couch hadn't been occupied by friends spoon-feeding you whatever therapy you needed, be that advice or ice cream, you found yourself alone with more thoughts than you cared to deal with.

And one name in your mind that you avoided at all costs.

You hadn't even texted him that it was over. Hadn't called. Hadn't seen his face or heard his voice or even uttered his name. But God, you felt it, that ache. The longing. The familiar itch that he had scratched for you one too many times that now begged for nails to rake across it.

Relief. You wanted him. You maybe even needed him. That was what the emptiness had shown you. Whatever it was that he even was to you, you missed it. You craved it. But in your hour of need, he was the last thing available to you. And you were certainly stubborn enough not to chase.

Until you eventually weren’t stubborn enough.

You had no idea what had possessed you to rise from the couch that day, throw on a sweatshirt to shield you from the rain, grab your car keys, and drive to his place. You had no idea what possessed you to jump from your car and brave the violent sheets of rain that threatened to topple you as your fist made contact with his door a bit more angrily than maybe it should have. And you had no idea what had possessed you to do all of this just to say what it was you said.

Maybe I enjoy getting hurt.

You weren't invited in. In fact, you weren't even greeted with any words. He seemed breathless the moment he opened the door and his brain caught up with his eyes, whether that was thanks to your unruly appearance made all that much worse by the rain or simply the fact that you were the last person he expected to see standing on his porch after what he had said. After what you had done.

Probably should have run a brush through my hair before coming here.

And then you blurted it out.

“I ended it.”

The rain raged on in an angry war against you but you stood defiantly, like there was some ground there to hold. And maybe there was. It certainly felt like there was. If it wasn't the rain, it was his eyes, staring dangerously into yours and then, even without a single utterance from him still, you saw it. It was undeniable and unmissable.

Jake's eyes flickered down to your lips where they lingered for what felt like an eternity but in actuality was about two seconds. Two of the longest seconds you'd ever felt, waiting for someone to do something about it.

“I just thought you should know,” you added.

And then you left.

[melpomenismask]

Vedic Astro Thought,

(Warning: i do not edit these and I will NOT be trying, so just read please lol.)

I’m starting to suspect serpent yonis need to stick together. As a girlie with a rohini mars chart ruler, and having learned about the myths surrounding rohini and mrigashira, that curse of attention for serpent yonis is genuinely unbearable. I thought it was a Venusian or Nodal condition, but neither of them have the sense of vulnerability and danger of a serpent yoni’s ability to intrigue and attract attention without even trying. Imagine you’re a snake in the park, enjoying the grass and nature, wanting to have a nice little day, maybe eat a mouse or two, who knows, you’ll figure it out. Then you slither into a family barbecue, and suddenly everyone’s screaming, trying to stomp you, etc, or maybe a small group of people find you and are fascinated, so fascinated they poke and prod you, maybe they’re a bit rougher, and you have to lie there because if you even react slightly they’ll attack because they’re afraid of you, and all the while you’re just a tiny little snake!

I thought of this because of Hidden Octave’s Rohini video on YouTube, which I absolutely relate to, but I felt a bit out of place because I’m not someone who’s actively courted or sought attention, it was inflicted on me by everyone around me. I was abused, bullied, attacked for no reason but grown adults, and object of peers sexual interest as a child, and it seemed like if I asserted myself even slightly, I was suddenly the most terrifying thing in the room when I’ve been “playing dead” the entire time. I’ve found this has made dating impossible for me because I am so traumatized by how people react to me that I can’t even be myself anymore (trying to get back to it though) because I now automatically doctor myself to NOT provoke, because all it brought is danger, drama, and mess.

I have also been the provocateur in cases though, not because I was desperate for attention, but because I took difficulty connecting as REAL potential because that person didn’t inflict all their reactions and fears that had onto me immediately until I sought them out further, then I realized I had just found a milder version of all the people who mistreated and misunderstood me before—but the one person that stuck with me as someone I genuinely felt a connection to was a fellow serpent yoni: our rohini mars conjuncted. The moment we met and it became even vague knowledge we had interest in each other, drama from everyone around us ensued and it bled into our already unformed but genuine connection because we were both victims of the same burden of the inherent ability to intrigue and provoke. Unfortunately the guy was also saturnian and lunar, so he was very internally unbalanced and I have had to move on for my own sake to find someone I deserve, because he has a long was to go before he realizes the drama isn’t a part of him, just a reaction to him. It’s hard to unlearn, but only another serpent yoni really gets it. You’re not even doing anything, and everyone seems to watch every move you make while also being repelled if you come too close.

Which brings me to my point. In America, there’s a famous couple from a sitcom called The Office; their names are Jim and Pam. The actor Jim was a national heartthrob in his heyday as the character and has went on the make pretty good movies, the actress for Pam pretty much did that show and nothing else really big happened for her, but she did well, but she hasn’t really moved on from the glory days from what people seem to say about her—even alleging that she’s a bit obsessed with Jim’s actor in real life to the point he had to publicly “shut her down”. Jim’s actor is a Rohini, Mrig, and Magha (hence his “glory”) guy, while Pam’s actor is Dhanishta, some Jupiter influences, but not that much serpentine energy, just a rohini mars. I find the lunar aspect of rohini so compelling because when that energy holds you, you’re genuinely in some different reality, but because of how that serpent yoni energy intoxicates you. Of course if you’re also serpentine, it also violently rubs salt into the wound of how hard it is to find someone you genuinely connect with, but hey, I digress, I swear I’m totally fine and not having an existential crisis about love right now.

I find it hilarious how that reactionary pattern just KEEPS happening in different octaves; apparently between them as cast members, then Jim’s actor as the heartthrob boy next door in love with the married girl (rohini and its love triangles), and the married girl stuck in a marriage that she is miserable and used as an ego crutch in. I mean, sure, Pam is great, but it wasn’t her longing, her clinging to something that just felt right that made the story so romantic, it was all Jim from the start keeping it alive, because if Pam didn’t luckily love him back that boy would’ve been stuck. He “moves on” in the show, and does it easily because he can, and he enjoys the company, but it doesn’t matter because it’s so empty. He’s so kind and loving for Pam because he feels safe and at home, but he can’t just sit around for a woman who turned him down, right, so the serpent has to find another place to hide in. He clicks well with anyone because that’s what serpent yonis do. We can react with you and mirror but that’s just because we’re conditioned that way because of how the world treats us from a young age, not because you’re special. And it’s hard to watch him try to move on when he so clearly just can’t detach—think of two serpents intertwined, that’s the way I think we serpent yoni types want to love. An eternal, safe, vitalizing embrace. Snakes are cold-blooded but they are creatures like the rest, but for some reason unbeknownst to it, the other creatures don’t seem to agree, and all the snake wants is to find a little home, hunt, and live in peace.

This ISN’T to say we don’t know what we’re doing when we’re doing it, but when we’re not doing anything, we’re still somehow “doing it”, specifically for Rohini because Lunar influence is rife with confusion and illusion. All you want is to be out of the darkness, to know that the shadows aren’t scary, that you can come out too and be yourself in all your snake-ness, but it never seems to be over, the curse of attention, and the madness just seems to follow you. Whether it’s from the world or the budding madness in yourself from never finding solid ground to just see everything clearly for a moment and make sense of things. It’s a hellish trap of constant reaction (which I personally hate, hence why I consider it hell).

I was also surprised by the YouTube comments and the intense shift in sentiment around Jim and Pam from the show. It used to be THE dream romance, people wanted their own Jim, people wanted their own Pam, people wanted to be Jim and Pam. NOW, people seem to hate them. Now they’re pretentious, uppity, the worst ones out of the show for their light transgressions while all the insane people are still acceptable to make space for. They’re literally just the “normal” characters in a sitcom with a sweet love story, and people lose their fucking MINDS about them, when they are literally not even that special. They just love each other deeply, and that simple truth creates a labyrinth of envy and intrigue, and I see that pattern for rohinis and serpent natives often. They are just themselves, it’s very nice, and no can seem to handle it normally.

Jim and Pam are sweet. Jim is sweet with normal human character flaws, but it seems everyone (even in the show lol, go watch) is hellbent on making him something more provocative, chaotic or malicious than he actually is, which is just extremely rohini. Hi, Norma, hi, Marilyn. We never get a break until it kills us or we find our “charmer” we can trust and love without fear of the curse rearing its ugly head again. Sometimes it just kills us.

In my opinion, serpents need their snake charmer, who can dance with them without fearing their differences, or a fellow serpent. Considering the state of humanity right now—maybe look for fellow snakes instead of a magical “charmer”, someone “normal” and grounded like Pam is for Jim in that example, or like the non-flashy guys Marilyn Monroe married. We want to be seem and understood, but I think we can only understand each other. If you’re a serpent yoni maybe keep out an eye for people with that nakshatra energy in their chart, because they won’t be as oddly disturbed and provoked by you like the others probably are. It’s hard enough out there, so use cheat codes. Life is shit and we make it better out of luck, faith and perseverance. And love, of course. 🥰

From a friend. :)

[hismercytomyjustice]

My husband effortlessly outmaneuvered my OCD today. I am still in awe.

I didn’t want to go to my piano lesson. Last week was ROUGH. On top of still struggling with this more advanced piece, I had major migraine brain fog.

The good news is that I didn’t want to fake my own death or wind up in near tears after. Yay, progress! But it wasn’t the best experience otherwise. It was just really frustrating and humiliating to struggle so much.

This more advanced piece has been triggering my OCD like crazy too.

I told him I didn’t want to go today because I hadn’t practiced enough.

He responded with “So?”

It was exactly the right answer. Even though I still tried to push back with, “I haven’t made enough progress.”

And he was just like “The point of you going is to practice. And you did practice.”

“I haven’t practiced enough.”

“Not going isn’t going to help with that.”

T^T !!!

(extended OCD rant below the cut)

I had similar convos with my therapist where she’s insisted that the only thing I need to do for piano is show up for my lessons. That is the only expectation.

My piano teacher would disagree with that, lol. But I get what she’s saying. Because my desire for “doing it right/enough” is my perfectionism OCD talking.

Which is why piano is such good unintentional ERP for me. Because it upsets my perfectionism OCD so much. My therapist has said this multiple times now.

Lol, I also finally told my piano teacher I have OCD and that my OCD loves piano. In that it loves to tell me how bad I am at it. He was telling me last week, “Just play through, it doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Which has become his new mantra for me lately. orz I was playing some for my husband too to show him how far I’ve come and he said the same thing because I kept stopping when I’d mess up. “Just play it through.”

It is SO HARD TO though. Especially with how hard my OCD focuses on every single mistake I make. Which just leads to building anxiety and more mistakes.

I’ve had moments where I’m struggling while practicing and have literally had to tell myself “practicing will only help, it can’t make you worse at this.”

Because lord knows avoidance is one of my favorite compulsions. Because you can’t be bad at something if you don’t do it, amirite? (｡��̀ᴗ-)✧

God, I also realized my OCD has eased up a bit when it comes to writing (sort of), but now it’s decided to focus on replying to comments on my fics instead. Something I genuinely enjoy doing because getting comments fills my heart with rainbows. It gets riled up with me trying to leave comments too.

My perfectionism OCD has decided this is a great time to overthink every single word I type. Just a constant stream of “You have to give the perfect reply to a comment, otherwise people won’t think you’re grateful enough for them taking the time to comment and they won’t want to read your fic anymore and they’ll hate you.”

And “You’ve left comments on other fics that people have said made their day. If you don’t leave a good enough comment or if you don’t comment at all, they’ll think you don’t like their fic anymore. You know how happy getting comments makes you. If you don’t comment on everything you read, that makes you a bad person.”

None of that is true, ofc. I know it’s not true. I know it’s not even logical. But it is all triggering my avoidance SO HARD. Because I can’t mess it up if I don’t do it at all! So now I have a bunch of comments that have piled up and a bunch of fics I’ve read that I haven’t commented on and I’m starting to ruminate on all of it.

And it’s just like…so objectively ridiculous. That’s not self-compassion, I know. But like, it feels so absurd to be in an OCD spiral over this. Where I am actively spending more time agonizing (ruminating) over the fact that I haven’t done either than it would take to just…reply or leave a comment on a fic.

Like. This is not a life or death situation. This doesn’t even have to be a situation! And yet the spiral continues. I stress, I avoid, I stress about avoiding. And I waste time and energy and brainpower on all of it.

I have the same issue with the other fics I’ve promised too. I’ve been deep into the final chapters of my kid!Alastor fic and hyper focusing on it as a result. But I have been talking about posting Part 8 of my Radioapple series for so long. I threw 8k words at it like a month ago and then started overthinking it and then started worrying about falling behind on my kid!fic. The same for the BG3 oneshot I drafted. All I need to do is edit it so I can post it. But editing to me = executive function (writing somehow does not…?). And, again, I wanted to get caught up on my kid!fic. So now I feel guilty for not finishing it and posting when I said I would.

None of this is anything I should feel guilty for! And I know that. I am doing all of this FOR FUN.

It is supposed to be fun!

AND YET.

Ugh. Not me over here like “My OCD hasn’t been that bad! Why can’t I get anything done?”

Because it picked new things to obsess over and I was late to the party on realizing that. ( ˶ •̀ ⤙ •́ ˶ )

I’m glad I’m meeting with my psychiatrist tomorrow. My depression has been better but now that I’m aware my OCD is ~clinically severe~, I’m hoping maybe she can help get me on something that will do more to help with it. Because while the meds I’m currently on are preventing me from a full blown relapse, I don’t think they’ve been very effective at straight up treating my OCD otherwise.

I’m really hoping a different medication will help. It’s just frustrating to be putting all this work into therapy and all, but not seeing more of a reduction in my symptoms.

Literally one of the questions on the YBOC is: “How anxious would you feel if you were prevented from performing your compulsive behaviors?”

I told her it wouldn’t make me anxious because I don’t WANT to do the compulsions. And if I had a magic button in my head that would make them easier to resist, it would be the greatest thing ever. The compulsions are what’s making me anxious. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m obsessing or compulsing.

So then I get frustrated and upset at myself for not getting things done and it’s only then that I’m like, “Wait, is this an OCD spiral?”

If I could get better at recognizing them sooner and acting sooner, I think it’d go a long way toward helping me. The thing is, I don’t know if this is a medication thing or a me thing and tbh I’m worried it’s a me thing. That I’m not doing something right, and that’s why I’m having such a hard time with it all.

I really hope that’s not the case. Like, I am DESPERATE to get out of these never-ending loops. I just really, really hope that the will is already there and that a different medication can help get my OCD under control enough for me to actually make progress.

T^T Guess I’ll find out tomorrow. Lol, not me stressing now that my psychiatrist is just gonna be like “Your problem is that you aren’t trying hard enough!” Because I think my problem is trying so hard to the point I unintentionally actively sabotage myself… Like I’m trying to fight perfectionism OCD with gasoline instead of water or something.

Ugh. Fingers crossed she can give me some better insight into all this tomorrow.

I’m just curious now too if my OCD has always been this bad and I’m only just now realizing it, or if it’s just been worse in general over the past year or so for whatever reason.

FIX ME, SCIENCE! FIX ME!!!

[allys-corner]

Started Out Rough - Part 1

Summary: A big mishap on your first day leads to a blossoming friendship between you, the new teacher, and Eddie, the school's janitor, but will a secret come between this new pair.

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Reader

A/N: I know this has been done a bit, but I still really like the concept. Also don’t know how long this story will be, but hope you enjoy :P

Nerves were high when you stepped out of your car on your first day at Lincoln Middle. Dusting some imaginary lint off your clothes, you gather your things and head inside. You had already met most of the teachers and staff and set up your classroom already, but now it was time to get your first set of kids. Walking into the room, you are instantly hit with a nasty odor. Digging throughout the room turns up a giant wet patch in the far corner of the room trailing down from the ceiling all the way to the floor.��

“No, no, no, this can’t be happening,” you drag your fingers through your hair roughly “on my first day, seriously!” 

<><><>

After having a short meltdown, you track down the closest teacher you can find and ask them what to do. They point you towards the janitor’s closet and you’re on your way. Lincoln isn’t the biggest school, so you don’t have much trouble locating the room; that and the man dragging out a cart of cleaning supplies. The first thing is all the rings on his fingers and the second thing you notice is the mop of curly hair bobbing to a rock song (judging by the mini air guitar moves). You try not to alarm him as you approach, clearing your throat. 

“Hi there, I’m sorry to bother you,” he whips around yanking his headphones off quickly as you power on, “but there is a pretty big leak in my room, and they told me to come get you.”

“Oh yeah, of course, I can help with that.” he seems to trip over his feet at being caught off guard before righting himself “Um, let me just grab the stuff and I’ll meet you there.”

Before you can get a word out, he’s digging through the small amount of supplies gathering things he may need. Although with how flustered he was by this new pretty individual, he ended up with a handful of vent tubing before deciding against it. He hadn’t noticed you in the silhouette of the room door, standing there with a grin a mile wide, until you spoke up once again.

“Don’t you need me to tell you what room I’m in,” you teased.

A sheepish look bloomed on his pale face. 

“Right, what was that room number again?”

<><><>

“Trust me I’ve been around my fair share of preteens.” 

“You wouldn’t strike me as the paternal type” you remark taking a seat on the edge of the desk. You had been enjoying the pleasant conversation floating between you two.

“Oh, I’m not. I’m more like the cool uncle that will let you try his cheap beer and drive his piece of shit car.” Eddie stops smiling for a minute, “sorry for the language, it just slips out sometimes”

You giggle before answering “it’s okay, I’m sure all these kids,” you gesture to the empty classroom “can forgive you.” You look back at Eddie’s beaming smile before you have to look away from the brightness.

“So, how long do you think it will take to get fixed,” you question while helping Eddie clean up a bit.

“Well the good news is that this problem only takes a couple hours to fix, but the bad news is I’ll have to order a replacement part so it will probably be more like a week or so,” he finishes with a sympathetic smile. 

“Oh great!” you rub your forehead for a moment before looking back at the mess in the corner, “well, is the fan staying too?”

“I don’t know, let me ask him” Eddie steps over to the object bending down like he was talking to a small child, “Mr. Fan, do you plan on staying here all week?”

Eddie responds dramatically to the fan’s unspoken reply before bounding back over to you.

“Welp, he said it’s non-negotiable.”

<><><>

Though the first day started out rough, the following morning had you in good spirits. You had picked out a nice outfit, your hair decided to cooperate for once, and your toast was golden brown. It was almost like the universe was trying to tell you something. 

Ignoring the good fortune as though to stave off its departure, you slide into your car and set on some soft tunes, too scared to jinx it. The ride in is fast and before you know it, you’re behind the desk in your classroom. Setting down your things, you begin to organize the papers surrounding you. Before you can get too far into your task, there’s a soft rapt on the door frame. Turning around you expect to see your boss standing there, but instead you get Eddie. 

An unexpected smile takes over your face, as you turn to greet him fully. 

“Hey there, what brings you over?” You ask.

“Well actually I just wanted to say good morning,” he reaches behind his back and pulls out a cup “and to give you this. I hope you like it, I tried to get you something that everyone likes.” 

You blush unintentionally before fumbling for the cup,

“Oh thanks, you didn’t have to get me anything.”

“It’s nothing, I usually try to get some for everyone when I stop on my way to work. Though, I should get your coffee order for next time.” 

You grin teasingly, “Would you be mad if I said I’m a tea drinker instead. So usually, I just get some green tea with lemon or raspberry.”

Eddie sits there stunned a moment before recovering, “I guess I can live with that, but if you don’t wanna drink it you don’t have to.” 

He goes to take the cup, but you pull away fast.

“Nope, this is good too! Thank you very much.” 

With a goofy nod, he turns to leave the room but not before saying, “if you need anybody to eat lunch with, I’d be happy to introduce you to some of the other teachers.”

With an enthusiastic agreement from you, he retreats out the door and within ten minutes your classroom is teeming with kids. 

<><><>

Lunch couldn’t come fast enough. With the kids still getting used to you and you getting used to the kids, and not to mention an unannounced visit from the principal, Mrs. Ottoman, your mind was screaming for a break. Although you had agreed to have lunch with Eddie and co., you didn’t really know where you were supposed to be going. Before you could worry yourself too much, you step outside the door and see Eddie waiting for you. You try not to look too flustered as you give him a tired smile. His eyes portray understanding as he gives you an empathetic look. Before he can speak though, you interrupt, “don’t ask yet, just lead the way.” 

He turns with a short laugh before heading off towards the main doors. Walking out, you take a left and start heading towards a small structure in the distance. Upon closer view, you realize that it's a small sitting area with a few benches and some nice natural shading. There are a few people sitting at the furthest bench from the doors, but other than that no one is there. Eddie heads towards the others, and you follow a few steps behind. 

You don’t know why you were nervous though because Eddie helps you fit right in. He starts off with a quick introduction: Steve the preppy boy gym teacher, Robyn the sexy librarian, Nancy the scary maniac of a math teacher, and Billy the heartthrob of history lessons. Then, he drags you to sit right next to him. You had brought a packed lunch with you, but it seems that the teachers wanted to treat you to a new school lunch. 

There were all the fixings for sandwiches and several different sides along with two kinds of soda. The amount of food was overwhelming, but Nancy jumped in to help you make your plate. Eddie gave you a quick whisper to let you know that Nancy had fixed everything up so you could thank her properly, before digging in himself. Before long the questions start pouring in,

“So, where did you move from y/n?”

“I moved from Oregon. A small town about 20 minutes from Portland.”

“Oh! I have an aunt that lives in Oregon. She says it's very pretty up there. Don’t know why you'd move here instead.” Robyn gives a short chuckle.

“Well actually I used to live here a while ago, but I had to move away for a while. My moms gotten kind of sick recently so I’ve moved back to help her and my nephew, Rylee.”

With looks of genuine concern, they all try to speak at once with reassurances. You look on with a meek smile before Eddie drags the attention away from you. 

“Nancy, what is this mushy stuff anyway?” he says loudly, with an obnoxiously disgusted look on his face. The look is so odd on his face that you can’t help but giggle. Then Nancy, ever the mother, looks on with a glare while slapping his hand from the container. 

“It’s sauerkraut, genius. You would know if you didn’t have the appetite of a five year old.”

“Hey! Mac and cheese is a perfectly balanced meal in my book.” Eddie slams his hands on the bench while standing up abruptly. Nancy just looks on with a spent stature.

“Exactly my point, nimrod.”

[lukkabloom]

Fun facts abt residents according to Ikevamp Radio (ヴァンなま) Part 5

The last post of this series, featuring episodes 13-15!! Let's get on with it!!

Episode 13: feat. Dazai’s VA Yashiro Taku

Makki messed up his lines a bit so he said “Subas” instead of “Sebas” (so cute)

Dazai’s happy that Vincent enjoys baths

Dazai baths a bit earlier than them, that’s why they don’t usually meet

Dazai’s writing a novel about a “married woman and a blossoming love and desire—” Sebas: “Nonononono! Stop!” bc it got too out of control

Sebas: “Master Vincent’s here, so let’s keep it at the same level as an educational children’s TV show” Vincent: “were we so strict about it here?”

Dazai agrees to answer some questions for Sebas & Vincent as they were curious about him

Vincent first asks him what the object he hung in the entrance where it makes ringing noises when the wind blows it. Sebas: “Rather than Dazai-san’s personality, you’re more interested in that, huh?” Vincent: “well, it was really pretty, so I got curious” Dazai teaches that it’s a windchime, tells him that it allows people to enjoy the summer with both their eyes and ears

Vincent got curious abt ways Japanese ppl spend their summers

Dazai says he used to watch fireworks, look out at the sea, eat shaved ice. Dazai asks Sebas if he’s done something similar, Sebas replies “Yes, I’ve also gone out to watch firework tournaments (花火大会). When I was in Japan, I’d wear a yukata and go out to watch them” Sebas also enjoyed caramel-apples and goldfish-scooping (金魚すくい)"

Dazai: “It may seem normal, but Sebas has had a childhood as well, huh?” Vincent: “Really. Sebas didn’t become Sebas as soon as he was born…” Sebas: “...what do the two of you think I am?”

Dazai explained that the best part of the fireworks tournament is the atmosphere. The sound of fireworks and the geta (shoes you wear w/yukatas), the enthusiasm of the happy individuals, and most importantly, women wearing yukatas. Vincent: “Yukata… It’s what you typically wear, a type of clothing in Japan, right?”

Dazai: “Women in yukatas are especially good. The skin you can see from their hair raised up, and their skin lightly coated in sweat—” Sebas: “Nonononono—”

Dazai: “... are you excited?” Sebas: “...yes” Dazai: “Oh, you are excited.” Sebas: “A little bit” Dazai: “So even Sebas can get excited” Sebas: “the topic of the conversation ended up a bit off, so I had to put a stop to it”

Dazai: “Even for Sebas, don’t you have a favorite yukata for women?” Sebas: “Let’s see… for women’s yukata, I like a dark blue color. Also, I prefer when the hair is tied loosely near the ends. I also really enjoy it when they fix a loose strand of hair…” Vincent: “Umm.. Sebas?” Sebas: gasps “I apologize. However, Master Vincent must also have a color that you’d like a woman to wear?”

Vincent: “Hmm… I think any color would fit, but probably bright colors would fit the most.”

Dazai likes graceful (?) colors like a deep purple to contrast the color of their skin, make them look prettier

Taku is really good at drawing?? In the “Van Gogh’s drawing section” the VAs had to draw in the theme of “Ikemen Vampire light novel! By Dazai Osamu” and Taku drew (the real) Dazai & it was really well-drawn?? (Dazai draws Dazai haha)

��Can you tell me… your name?” segment comin up!! First up is Vincent! His options were “It’s really hot… let’s just take everything off” “Since it’s hot… do you want to take a shower together?” “I can make you forget about the heat” “Hm? The thing in my mouth? It’s ice. You want it?” The chosen line was the last one. After saying his line for the last time, he continued “Here. Ahhh~” (listening to it when it’s winter was kinda counter-intuitive but… it was nice ig)

Dazai’s options were “If you’re hot, why don’t you take off your clothes?” “We can reenact that passionate night that will make us forget about the heat” “You don’t like the heat? Then, you can spend the time with me until the season becomes cooler” and 4, which is a combination of all three (Which was the one selected)

His voice is so good??? “(y/n), it was a really hot night. Until it cools off—no. Can you stay here with me forever?” He actually said his lines properly unlike Morishi and Makki so it was even more amazing 

And Sebas’s options HERE WE GO “You need guts… to go in saunas” “Do you want to start a chilled Sebas?” “I can make you feel cooler. *insert terrible pun* (吸血鬼のお尻が９個で９ケツなんちゃって)” (I can’t translate the pun itself bc it wouldn’t make sense, but just know that it’s a pun involving vampires and 9 butts lol) and option 4, “Even when you’re struggling in the heat… you look beautiful” The chosen one was the second option “Do you want to start a chilled Sebas?

There were two funny options (options 2 & 3) I didn’t know which was gonna be chosen

Anyways there was “Yoshihiko, do you want to start a chilled Sebas?” Makki: “Yes, please” the last one he said was “(y/n), do you want to start?” and the others were like “start what??”

Episode 14: Vincent & Sebas w/an audience once again

This happened at the time of Ikevamp 1st anniversary, this episode celebrates this event

They also talk about the 1st Ikevamp election & the rewards players get when each resident completes a certain goal (place within a certain ranking, gets more votes than a certain character, etc.) Makki and Morishi create their own goals for the election too.

For Morishi, if Sebas places within 10th overall, Makki and Morishi will do the radio while drinking. For Makki, if Vincent gets first, he plans to telephone an audience member live during the radio

Very unrelated but you can tell Morishi really knows his game knowledge since he knows what blanc was, as well as the ikevamp 1st anniversary song when it played in the background

The theme of this episode’s “I love yu” segment is “Thank you, and please take care of me from now on too”

Sebas was already in the baths when Vincent entered, he said he’s been waiting for Vincent for the past three hours Sebas: “I was conversing with the audience, and before I knew it, three hours had passed” 

Vincent: “Audience? We’re in front of an audience? When we’re naked?” Sebas: cough “W-well… please don’t worry about that”

Vincent & Sebas reminisce about the time they had spent in the baths together (April Fool’s w/Leo, Sasuke entering the bath w/them, turning into idols)

Vincent asks who Sebas has been talking to, Sebas replies, “Don’t worry about that, my angel”

Vincent says that he’s been enjoying his time w/Sebas in the baths, but he’s worried that he’s relying on him too much. His solution? To change bathing times with Sebas

Sebas is shocked. “My oasis… is about to disappear… Lost on Eden… Master Vincent, I won’t record your voice or take pictures of your angel smile or shiver and shiver because I want to see you! So please! Please! Rethink your decisions…”

Vincent says it was all a joke. Wanted to scare Sebas for a bit, and apologizes for scaring him

Sebas is relieved & forgives Vincent. Vincent admits that he likes spending time w Sebas, to which Sebas agrees.

Sebas keeps referencing the audience, Vincent: “Hey, Sebas? You’re seeing things that I can’t see, right?”

The next segment is the “Ikevamp radio 1st anniversary awards” The first award is the “best guest awards” with the nominations being Tsuda Kenjiro (Leo’s VA), Sato Hisanori (Theo’s VA), Yashiro Taku (Dazai’s VA), Horie Kazuma (Comte’s VA), and Morishima Syuta (Sebas’s VA). Ofc Morishi won that category

2nd award is the “Best Drawing awards” the winning drawing is “Movie ‘Love promised under the cherry blossoms~my love is always full bloom~’ PR poster by Makki”

3rd category is the “Best Word Award” with the winning word being dyungyun (obv). In happiness with his word winning the category, Morishi performs voice percussion

No “Can you tell me… your name?” segment today :((

Episode 15: The last episode I can get my hands on…

Morishi wants to go on a vacation trip w Makki. Makki asks him where he wants to go, to which Morishi replies, Paris, the Louvre Museum.

Makki: “What will we be doing there?” Morishi: “Going to the Louvre, looking at some paintings, then opening the door. And then be like ‘What? When I opened the door, there are 12 historical geniuses…?' And we’ll stay there, just the two of us” Makki: “No, I don’t want to!”

Morishi: “I think it’ll be a while until the two of us actually go on a trip together. It would be more realistic if Sebas and Vincent did instead. So! Scenario-writer! Please write about a situation where Sebas and Vincent go on a trip together! And Yamada Shiro-sensei! Please draw an illustration like that as well!”

They announced the winners of the Ikevamp election that happened that year & the merch/events released to celebrate certain characters’ poll victories

“I love yu” skit! Starts off w Sebas saying “Sigh, it already ended. The Ikevamp election. Oops, I shouldn’t be thinking like that. Ta-da! (in a Doraemon-like voice) Historical genius observation journal! I need to note the other’s excellence here. Just like usual, Master Napoleon was very courageous, and Master Leonardo was as sexy as usual. Sorry, my angel, Master Vincent was an angel as always—”

Vincent: opens the door “Who. Is. An. Angel?” Sebas: “Master Vincent?” Vincent: “Really, I’ve been drawing all day, and I’m so exhausted” (he says this is a rough tone) “Sebas, I’m going in, so I need you to move to make space for me” Sebas: “oh, o-okay”

Vincent: “The temperature’s a bit lukewarm, so it’s not that satisfying. Well, I’ll let you off the hook for this one” Sebas: “Master Vincent? What happened to you? It seems you have a different tone than usu—” Vincent: “It’s just a part of your imagination, Sebas!” Sebas: “Yes! Of course!”

Sebas asks what’s happened to Vincent, asking if he got into a bloody argument w Theo. Vincent replies “We don’t get into arguments! That’s uncool!” 

Sebas asks if Vincent’s hit his head somewhere. “If that’s true then, I need to take him to a doctor—” Vincent: “I need you to leave me alone!” Sebas: gasps “Master Vincent?”

Vincent: “From now on, I’m going to change.” Sebas: “Change?” Vincent: “Yeah. I’ll keep on going on a bike that I stole from who-knows-where and break the windows of the school at night and I won’t be manipulated by the adults! (It’s basically what delinquents [ヤンキー] in Japan used to do)”

Sebas: “Why do you say things like Ozaki Yutaka and Keyakizaka46? That isn’t like you, the great angel Vincent—” Vincent: “If you keep on calling me ‘great angel,’ it’ll only make me upset!”

Sebas: “Master Vincent’s—Master Vincent’s ‘idiot’ (ドアホ). I don’t know what happened to you, but please open your eyes. Take this! Perverted butler, Sebastian’s forehead flick of love!” Vincent: “Gah! O-ow… Huh? I—”

Vincent: “Sorry about that Sebas… It seems I lost myself.”

Sebas asks what had happened, Vincent promises Sebas that he wouldn’t laugh at him. Vincent: “I-I wanted to be a different self. Do you remember the one event where we asked who she (MC) likes? Hearing the results of it, I wanted to be more liked by her… so...”

Sebas: “Master Vincent, please listen carefully. What if I had wondered the same thing you had, and become like Master Arthur, saying ‘Hey, can I kiss you?’ (in Arthur's tone) What would you think about me?” Vincent: “I would think it’s very repulsive.” 

Sebas: “Of course. Or like Master Shakespeare ‘I would like you to dance on my stage in the theatre’ (in Shakespeare's tone) What would you think about that?” Vincent: “I would think it’s very scary”

Sebas then tells Vincent that he understands his desire to change, but does she (MC) actually wish for that? I think she likes Vincent as is.

Discovered that there’s a Ikevamp LINE stamp and honestly it looks pretty good link here (idk if I would ever use it considering I only ever text my family members... lol imagine sending a sticker of Isaac to your parents haha)

Because Sebas got more votes than 1 suitor, Morishi will do ikevamp radio while drinking (sad that I couldn’t find the episode) they were planning to drink the blanc that will be released soon

No "Can you tell me... your name" segment im sad

And... that's the last episode!!! I'm really happy that many people enjoyed reading this as much as I did when I watched & wrote this. I'll be looking for more of these radios & in the future I'll see if I can write things similar to this as well. Anyways I hope everyone has an amazing rest of your day/night :))

[kkaisarion]

lay me down

some raindrop hurt/comfort for @forlorn-crows aftercare prompt. because sometimes sex doesn't go quite as planned, and that's okay.

rating: explicit pairing: dom dew / sub rain word count: ~1000

read on AO3 or below

--------------------

“I want you to treat me rough tonight.”

As Dew walked down the hallway toward Rain’s bedroom, he thought back to the water ghoul’s words from earlier. Rain had sidled up next to him in the kitchen, whispering them shyly in his ear. Dew had immediately felt a pang of want inside and smiled dangerously. “Be careful what you wish for, Rainy,” he told him, his dark tone at odds with the chaste kiss that he placed on his cheek.

Dew reached Rain’s door and raised his hand to knock, but then stopped. Changing his mind, he wrenched the doorknob open and barged in without announcing his presence, ready to stalk up to Rain and pull him forcibly into a deep kiss.

Instead, Dew stopped short at the sight before him. Rain was naked on the bed, draped seductively against a mountain of pillows. His half-hard cock lay invitingly in the crease of his hip, and the pale expanse of his skin was unmarred, just begging for Dew to cover it with bruises.

“Fuck, Rain, you’re such a slut,” Dew growled, stripping his clothes off as he strode over. “You couldn’t even wait for me?”

Rain shook his head and spread his legs open so that Dew could settle in between them. “I’ve been thinking about this all day,” he breathed against Dew’s lips, grinding up against him.

Things moved quickly after that. Rain was so keyed up already, it didn’t take long for Dew to reduce him to a trembling mess. And it didn’t take much to make him start crying, either, not after Dew shoved his cock into Rain all the way to the hilt, without any warning.

Now, Dew looked down at Rain as he fucked into him, drawing a choked-off gasp out of him with each hard thrust. A long line of bite marks decorated his neck and ran down his chest, each of them placed lovingly by Dew to stake his claim on the water ghoul.

Suddenly, Dew lifted his hand and slapped it hard across Rain’s cheek, making his head whip to the side. Rain let out a cry of surprise and gave Dew a wide-eyed look. Pre-cum leaked out of Rain’s cock as he jerked his hips up to meet Dew’s next thrust.

“Look at you, you’re loving this,” Dew groaned and hit him again, on the opposite side.

“No, don’t,” Rain moaned, clutching Dew’s hand tight. “Please, don’t hurt me.”

Rain’s protest hit Dew like a truck. Objectively, he could see that Rain was enjoying himself. Still, Dew’s hips stuttered before he quickly tried to recover and settle back into an even rhythm.

“Dew, are you okay?” Rain asked, panting a bit.

“Yeah,” Dew heard himself say. “Of course I am.” He had to be, right? He was supposed to be the one in charge here.

But Rain wasn’t buying it. He pushed Dew backward to make him pull out, and then sat up and brought his hand up to gently cup Dew’s face.

“You look like you’re about to cry,” Rain said, tilting his head.

Was he? “No, I’m not,” he denied, even as he heard how thick his voice had gotten.

“Dew, baby,” Rain murmured, looking at him with those calm blue eyes of his that made Dew want to dive in and get lost in them forever. “Tell me what’s wrong. Please?”

“You were begging me not to hurt you,” Dew said in a small voice. “I would never hurt you, not actually.”

“Oh,” Rain realized, and suddenly Dew was being dragged over and manhandled into Rain’s lap. He resisted at first, still trying to cling onto the notion that they could just keep going, but then gave up and collapsed into Rain’s arms.

Rain pressed a kiss into Dew’s hair and held him tight. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” he said.

“I know,” Dew said, not entirely believing him.

“Listen, Dew,” Rain insisted, drawing his head up so that they were looking directly at each other. “You were making me feel good. I know you’d never actually hurt me, not if I didn’t want you to.”

“Really?” Dew searched Rain’s eyes for the truth, and found so much love and affection in them that it made his heart squeeze.

“Yeah, really. You always take such good care of me, I know I’m safe with you,” he said, making Dew let out a low whine and burrow into his neck.

The two of them sat there for a while, Rain running his hands soothingly up and down Dew’s back. Eventually, their breaths evened out and fell in time with each other.

When Rain started to lean back, Dew panicked and gripped his arm. “I’m just going to get a towel to clean us up,” Rain told him, but Dew refused to let go. So instead, Rain grabbed a discarded shirt off the bed and used it to wipe both of them down.

“Do you want some water?” Rain asked as he reached over to the nightstand and picked up a glass. “It’s been sitting there for a couple of days, though,” he warned as Dew took it from him.

“Gross,” Dew muttered after taking a sip of the stale water, but then shrugged and gulped down the rest.

Dew lay down and tugged Rain along with him, so that the two of them were on their sides facing each other, legs tangled together. Feeling calmer, Dew stroked his thumb across Rain’s cheekbone and softly kissed the spot that was still pink from earlier.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted,” Dew started to say, but Rain drew him into a long kiss to stop him from apologizing more.

“We’re going to do this again another time,” Rain promised. “We’ll make it good for both of us.”

Dew trailed his finger lightly along the bruises on Rain’s neck, already imagining all the different things that he wanted to do to him. Rain gave him a small smile, as if he could tell what he was thinking. Then Rain leaned over his ear and said something so filthy, it made Dew blush.

“Would you like that?” Rain grinned.

“Yeah,”  Dew swallowed hard. “Tell me more,” he whispered, and Rain did.

[tomorrowxtogether]

BEOMGYU: “I don’t want to lose to myself”

TOMORROW X TOGETHER The Name Chapter: TEMPTATION comeback interview

2023.02.10

The object of BEOMGYU’s affection, and that which he wrestles most passionately with, is himself.

You said you retested your MBTI a few months ago and this time you got I[ntroverted].

BEOMGYU: I’m still mostly like I was whenever I’m around the other members, but my personality has changed a lot since debuting. It used to be that, if I had time off, I would go out no matter what, whether to see friends or go shopping by myself, but ever since I debuted I can count on one hand how many times I’ve gone out to see friends. I used to really look forward to meeting new people; now I feel a little awkward in those situations. I have a perpetually public-facing job so now I like spending my personal time quietly on my own. I think I like that sense of absence. (laughs)

I feel like you have the opposite energy, too. You create a fun atmosphere when the situation calls for it, like when shooting variety shows.

BEOMGYU: If I’m set to film a variety show for three hours, for example, I privately make up my mind to act crazy during that time and absolutely nail it. I can feel that I’m losing my energy while filming lately. But still, I’ve enjoyed variety shows ever since I was little, and I want to be entertaining, so I try not to hold back. I really like watching 2 Days & 1 Night and if you watch the people on it, they really go all out. They make their own stuff throughout, inventing their own rules, like, “Whoever loses should jump into freezing water.” I think that’s when I understood that, when it comes to variety shows, the more all-out you go, the more fun it is.

Since you’re so notable for your energy on your own variety shows, do you feel a sense of responsibility when you do other shows?

BEOMGYU: A little bit, maybe. The other members are pretty shy and feel some amount of pressure when it comes to variety shows. TAEHYUN used to always say, “I’m really grateful you’re there to carry us on variety shows. I’ll go along with what you’re doing. I trust you.” That eventually made me feel responsible, which made me feel like I had to be the one to carry the show no matter what. (laughs) Now I think about how I need to keep the other members’ energy up while having fun myself, too. I’m always looking at the plan whenever doing a show and thinking, Hmm, so that’s the vibe they’re going for; I should do this or that—because I know you have to put in an effort for every part.

What was it like getting ready for the year-end performances? In the behind-the-scenes footage for 2022 MMA you were so passionate that you personally asked for a reshoot of the prerecorded parts.

BEOMGYU: We really put every last ounce of ourselves for every awards ceremony. We absolutely had to put on a good show this time because we were working on it even when we were in the middle of touring. It was like a war zone. But there’s so many different variables at awards ceremonies that you never know how it’s going to turn out, even if you prepare 200%. So, I think we have to try again if we have a chance whenever we look different performing than we have in mind or there’s a part we mess up. All of us are really ambitious about our performances, so even if I feel satisfied with where we’re at, if someone else isn’t quite satisfied, I don’t make a stink. We just say, Sure, let’s do that again, and follow along. Because we know we all have to find no problems with the performance for it to be perfect.

I bet you really wish you could’ve done the part where you use a lighter to set a rose on fire and throw it back.

BEOMGYU: I thought that was the best part, actually. I was supposed to take the rose and the lighter out all in under five seconds, but the rose got all crushed in my clothes so it wouldn’t come out. I had to improvise to save the moment, so I just stared at the lighter and pretended to throw it away. I was half losing my mind (laughs) but I just thought, If you don’t have teeth, use your gums, and did that. It was too bad, but more people than usual told me it was a good performance. It made me feel better to think the performance was decent after all the passion we put into practicing for it.

People said that they can tell how carefully you study when they saw your cover of V’s performance for “DNA” by BTS at 2022 SBS Gayo Daejeon. It was also well-received for how incredibly well you adapted it to suit you specifically.

BEOMGYU: Heheh. (laughs) I’m always really determined to do a good job when I cover their songs. I really wanted it to be good this time, too, so I watched videos of their performance so, so many times when I was practicing. I can’t do it like they can, but I still wanted to do it as closely as possible, so I kept thinking about his attitude, starting with emulating his facial expressions, and what they wanted to express through the song. I was inwardly proud because the response after was really good.

You tend to put a particular amount of effort into the way you express yourself on stage. Did the way you study come about as a result of all your experience?

BEOMGYU: I try not to forget how I first felt when I heard a song. I base my studying on the things that come to mind when I first heard a song or saw the rough choreography—things like how certain parts should be expressed or the parts I really want to bring to life. And I usually get better at things while shooting music videos. When it’s captured on camera, I check how it looks and think, Oh, maybe it would look better if I did it like this? And make lots of adjustments myself.

Can you use “Sugar Rush Ride,” the lead single off your new album, as an example?

BEOMGYU: For this song, it’s really all about attitude. I felt like I had to be sort of a sexy, crazy guy. (laughs) For example, for the part that goes, “Come here more, let’s play more,” I had a really serious vibe at first. But, I mean, when we shot it, I tried acting more like a crazy guy. (laughs) I added a sweet-and-salty feel by laughing my head off then pulling a straight face right at the end while I make a beckoning motion with my hand, and people really seemed to like that a lot better, so I made some adjustments. I’m trying different things like that to come up with a decent final version. And the vocals were harder than I imagined. The part that goes “saenggak-eun” in the intro aren’t low enough to sing easily and aren’t high enough to use my chest, so it’s a really ambiguous pitch for me. The pronunciation of “saeng” and “gak” is vague, so when you sing them together, it feels like they get caught in your throat. That was a bit challenging, and “gimme gimme more” is just three words long but I had to make my voice lower and rougher than I expected so I could sound sexy, and I had to make the ending sound like it’s spreading out. I had to think carefully about how to bring out the emotions in detail.

What were you trying to express through the lyrics you wrote for “Happy Fools” (feat. Coi Leray)?

BEOMGYU: I wrote the part in the first and second pre-chorus that goes, “I’m like a butterfly / A honeybee who’s always working.” I’ve been that kind of butterfly before, too. (laughs) There was a difficult period after I debuted where every day felt the same—like running on a hamster wheel. That’s the feeling I was writing about—the feeling of going to work every day and the Sun already being down whenever I got off and the feeling of wanting to see the sunset. Ants and bees work nonstop, so I thought about how many things they might be missing in life, not knowing how beautiful the sunset is or how nice and cool the breeze was.

Your idea of happiness changes every year. What does happiness mean to you at the moment?

BEOMGYU: That’s hard for me again lately, actually. I used to try and look for happiness around me in easy ways, but lately, rather than chasing some vague idea of happiness, I’ve felt it’s important to deal with the situations immediately facing me and do so wisely. It’s possible for negative emotions to creep in when you’re busy like this and there’s less time to sleep and there’s limits on how you can deal with the stress. I always end up regretting it later on if I let those emotions take over me. But if you get a grip on those passing emotions and overcome them, time keeps passing anyway, and you don’t have to pay any mind to unnecessary things as a result. I feel more relaxed lately after practicing that.

It sounds like you’re learning to control yourself rather than being pushed and pulled by what’s around you.

BEOMGYU: Exactly. Haha. (laughs) So these days it feels like I’m spiritually enlightened. (laughs) I managed to let go of a lot of emotions, and rather than holding onto my immediate thoughts or concerns I’m living for one thing: wanting to do a good job on promoting this album with the other members—just being healthy and having a good time while doing what we want, without worrying about what other people think. That’s how I want to do things.

SOOBIN said recently that it must be fun to live the way you do.

BEOMGYU: I think I live a fun life thanks to the other members, though. I’m always having fun and feeling strong, even when I’m mentally and physically tired, thanks to them. I can rely on them so much that it makes me think I would’ve had a really hard time if I had been a solo artist rather than in a group. I feel like we’re really family now.

Given how often you share specific details of your life with your family when you were a kid in Daegu, it seems like your past memories play a big part in how you maintain your current level of happiness.

BEOMGYU: Music might be the only way to revive memories of the past, don’t you think? I can listen to some music that’s tied to a memory and, no matter how bad I’m feeling, that memory comes back to me and I feel happier for a bit. It’s weird, but when I listen to my cover of “Wonder” now, all my thoughts, worries and feelings from that time come back to me and it actually brings me comfort. It’s calm and sad songs rather than upbeat ones that make me feel like I’m being empathized with so I can slowly break out of feeling like I need to be comforted.

I guess your dad knew that and that’s why he made you a playlist called WHEN COOKEY SLEEP.

BEOMGYU: I share a streaming account with my dad and he makes playlists for me now and then. He continuously adds music to playlists that he’s categorized, like songs that are good for sleeping or that I have liked ever since I was little. He never said it directly, but it made me feel he’s always watching over me without having to say a word and he’s always been there for me.

Why do you so carefully choose to cover songs like “Wonder” and “you!” that reflect your tastes and sentiments?

BEOMGYU: The only thing that lets me fill up a whole song with my voice and express myself completely in video is a cover song, and that’s why I wanted to express myself in that way. I wanted to show people what kind of voice I have and I felt that genre would showcase my voice best. We make the songs on our albums as a group, so we have to sing in a way that harmonizes with the idea behind each song and with all the other members. My cover songs are a slight rebellion against that limitation. (laughs) With “Wonder” I wanted to show a side of me that was different from the bright me everyone knows, while “you!” was about expressing how thankful I am for certain people. I thought MOA would really like it if I could shoot “you!” in Japan, and I was lucky enough to be able to film it in Tokyo.

I feel like you’re someone who knows what he wants, what’s happening around him and understands himself really well.

BEOMGYU: I reflect a lot on myself—how I feel at a given moment, and even what I can do if I feel personally underwhelmed about something regarding an album we made. I think that’s possible because I continuously look back on those seemingly insignificant thoughts and feelings instead of overlooking them.

What made you think during the world tour that you’re “nothing without MOA”?

BEOMGYU: I couldn’t be a part of all the performances during the tour because I wasn’t feeling well. I really revealed my vulnerable side to MOA. But they cheered for me all the same when I got back on stage, they smiled with us when we sang happy songs, cried with us when we sang sad songs, and seeing that filled me with so much strength. I could feel that they were understanding of me no matter what was happening with me and that they love me. So partway through when I had to leave the stage I thought about how the people there had been waiting just for that day, and I decided I had to at least try to make it to the end of the performance even if I felt like I reached my limit and had to get off again, and went back on stage. Most importantly, I didn’t want to give up on myself and admit defeat.

You also said that only made you more certain why you do the work you do and made you love it that much more.

BEOMGYU: I was actually a little more accustomed to MOA not being there because of the pandemic stretching on and on so long. Spending that time together laughing and crying made me think I shouldn’t assign any particular meaning to the past three years when we couldn’t see MOA. I picked up a paper airplane at the last concert that said, “I was having a hard time and feeling sick but I’m better now thanks to you guys.” It was really, really comforting to me because it was the exact same thing I felt. That I’m no different from anybody else and can still be such a big source of strength to someone, and that I can get strength from this many people—I felt that’s the sense of meaning that exists between singers and fans. That’s when that idea really solidified for me: I have to put even more effort into my singing and dancing for these people.

[bastionbibi]

Hi, Drabble Anon here and I’ve taken your suggestion into consideration and have decided to put ghost au and swapover au to ao3 once I get my computer fixed! Thank you so much for answering to these little drabbles, I’m really glad you’ve enjoyed them. As thanks, here are a few things for you in regards to the aus, I hope you have a good day/night:

Ghost au:

- It’s very common for ghosts to attach to people they know, whether it be family, friends, loved ones or even animals and people they hate. If they don’t have anyone to attach to, they linger on in familiar places until their soul eases enough to move on.

- When it comes to interacting with the living and corporeal, at a baseline they can make their presence be sensed via warm feelings like the ones Taka’aki feels whenever his family hugs him. Each ‘warmth’ is distinct but if it’s someone they hate then it’s either cold or really hot. However, as Hiromitsu said, it requires concentration, determination and pinpointing what you want to do, hence why Date phased through Takagi. This also applies to manipulating objects but sometimes when a soul wants to protect something or someone, they can instantly pinpoint and interact with things around them like when Date was holding back the rubble.

- When a ghost dies, to others they look about the age when they died but to the living, there’s ‘markings’ so to say that shows how a ghost died. Taka’aki nearly had a panic attack when he tried to capture his parents in a picture and saw the stab wounds he found on their corpses on them in bloody red. Taka’aki also withheld the urge to hold back tears when he saw a crossed out heart over Aoi’s chest and a bullet hole in Hiromitsu’s.

- Depending on how angered/determined a ghost is, they can briefly appear to the living and manipulate things heavily correlated to their deaths. For a ghost who was stabbed to death, they could either make someone feel a horrible stabbing pain without killing them or ease the pain of someone being stabbed. You can imagine how Jodie’s dad looked to Vermouth when a body of fire with gunshot holes in his chest suddenly appeared.

- The Kudos have a very strange connection to the dead, something Yusaku is strangely oblivious to, citing it as normal. Yukiko mostly shrugged and adapted to the strange stuff.

- Bad Omen is not the only non-ghost entity.

Swapover au:

- Melkior doesn’t have family, at least not anymore. No one knows why he’s hunting down the Black Organisation of his world but he does care for those he trust in his own way.

- Rachel often spars with her Sonoko whose also known as the boxing queen/the princess of kicks. Phantom Magician is both impressed and terrified of her.

- Some swapped characters haven’t had their roles fleshed out yet since swapover is a newer au but I do have some plans.

- Taka’aki haven’t heard from his brother in a while but Scotch still checks up on him to ensure that he remains safe and out of the black organisation’s sight.

- The swapped Akai family is a bit more… complicated so to say.

And now, a teaser for something that’s still in the works:

*Brring!* *Riiing!*

“Hello?”

“Finally, you’ve picked up! I’ve been trying to call you for ages!”

“Well I’m sorry that my life’s constantly busy with murder cases every damn week!”

“And? That’s no reason not to miss movie night!”

“Again?”

“Hey, wasn’t my idea and we all need the breathers after what we went through. We’ll be meeting tomorrow, same spot.”

“Ugh.. fine, I’ll come. But I’m bringing the alcohol. Last loop was hell…”

“Yeah, that’s understandable… I’m still not over it honestly, all the more reason to have this movie night.”

“Do I at least get to pick a movie?”

“We all do, so no worries, you get your chance!”

“So long as we’re not watching another Speed Racer.”

“Oh come on, that’s a classic!”

“For you it is.”

I have had this in my inbox for close to a month now and I'm so sorry for not publishing it till now... I forgot about it, only when I got a notification for a new message did I open my inbox again.

I'm glad that you're thinking of posting it, maybe you can send me a link for it when you do?

I know that you answered a lot already and you don't have to elaborate on this ofc! But I keep wondering what happens if they're haunted by a malevolent spirit, like the spirit of someone you killed or someone who actively wants revenge since the only spirits we see for now are those who wants to protect the living.

Wouldn't it be interesting if Conan is haunted by one of those too??

Also, I don't wanna pressure you ofc but I LOVE the swapover AU so much, because while I do like detco characters, their author rarely ever delve deep into their characterization, I mean, Sonoko is the best friend of the protag but we rarely ever see her outside of her days as being rich, having crushes, and while she has her moments, for someone who's been in the series for so long, I think she deserve more development. We got a few episodes with her being a detective lately which is good! But I can't help but wishing her and other characters gets more episode that doesn't just involve some recycled murder plot ya know.

And swapping their personality and using them as comparison to their original ones can give a new POV of that, if you ever publish it, please send them here aha

ALSO WHAT DO YOU MEAN "last loop"?? Are some of them trapped in this? I need to know AAAAAA. Again, thank you for sending me these.

[everygame]

Dead Island: Definitive Edition (PS4)

Developed/Published by: Techland / Deep Silver Released: 31/05/2016 Completed: 10/11/2023 Completion: Finished It. Trophies / Achievements: 41%

After playing through Until Dawn and Dead Space I wanted to keep the Halloween theme going, and so, somewhat randomly (cough saw it was installed cough) chose to play this, and didn’t actually realize until I sat down that I went from Dead Space to Dead Island like I’m about to play a Dead Rising next or something (I’m not.)

This was a daft choice for the Halloween theme; When I think Halloween I think ghosts, witches, Draculas and that, probably in a spooky house, maybe doing the monster mash. Zombies on a tropical island? It just feels… unseasonal.

Of course, and to this game’s detriment, you only really enjoy the island resort vibes for really a couple of hours of this game, before you’re shunted into a pretty generic town with (boo!) lengthy sewers. (I suppose you do go to a jungle after that for a bit.) It’s all a bit emblematic of the game, which has a fairly enjoyable loot shooter-adjacent design (you don’t do a lot of shooting, mostly hitting zombies in the head with blunt objects)  but seems to suffer unforced errors all over the shop, some of which are, at best, very problematic???

I’ll start with that, actually. Developed by Techland, a Polish company, the game has incredible “I’ve never met a Black person” energy. I played through it as the rapper Sam B and he’s an absolutely brutal stereotype that makes Barrett in Final Fantasy VII look like a nuanced portrayal. It gets worse, however, as once you get to the jungle you start to deal with the local indigenous population, who are portrayed… just imagine all the stereotypes. Yeah, all of ‘em.

The narrative, overall, is a pretty unpleasant mess, with the male characters hideously unsympathetic (some really dark stuff is implied to have happened to one of the female characters, and the male characters’ response is actively hateful.) It makes the game literally impossible to recommend, and being originally developed in 2011 doesn’t feel like much of an excuse.

(Interestingly, the developers of Dead Island 2 worked with a diversity council to try and avoid these kind of problems, which would make me think “good on Techland” but Dead Island 2 was developed by entirely different developers and went through development hell for eight years. So that’s, uh, that.)

It’s all so… unnecessary, as well. As a loot shooter-like (is that a genre?) it’s not exactly like you’re there for any sort of story other than “survive” with most of the pleasure in getting bigger and better blunt objects to hit zombies in the head with. Even here, taken alone, it’s a bit hard to recommend. Combat is clumsy (I never felt satisfied in my understanding of either my or enemy attack distances) the loot is often insanely underwhelming, and the upgrade trees are a mess (there’s an entire tree for your “fury” power that I doubt any player of this game ever upgrades ever.) It almost feels like a shame losing interest in this before you’re halfway done (before the story starts getting really stupid) because the first hours are oddly well paced; the introduce human enemies with guns what felt like right at the point where you’d be getting bored with just hitting zombies, and it’s sad that it’s not long after that you find yourself stuck in boring, samey sewers for what feels like forever, and then you’re just stuck chewing through this until you finish it by defeating a hilariously underwhelming final boss.

Anyway. I played this so you don’t have to.

Will I ever play it again? I think the concept is strong, actually, zombie loot shooter-like, so part of me is like “Maybe Dead Island 2 is ok? I mean… different team! Diversity council!” but this was just so underwhelming I’m sure if I want a loot shooter-like I can do better somewhere else. And I’m definitely not interested in Techland’s own follow up, Dying Light.

Final Thought: Oh hang on, I just noticed I own Call of Juarez: Gunslinger, and that’s a Techland joint. But I own it, so I’ll have to play it. A game set in the old west? That can’t be problematic at all! I’m sure it’ll be fine!

Support Every Game I’ve Finished on ko-fi! You can pick up a digital copy of exp. 2600, a zine featuring all-exclusive writing at my shop, or join as a supporter at just $1 a month and get articles like this a week early.

[ijemmaokafor]

Winter is Coming (with @fleetsummers)

Fleet and Jemma organize the pantry, indulge in some gossiping, and philosophize on matters of the heart.

Fleet: -bounds in from outside, pink-cheeked and bright-eyed- Jemma! Sorry, sorry, I think I'm a little late, I got in a tiny bit of a leaf heap situation with Luna. -laughs, brushing stray leaves off his coat and then strips off his gloves and scarf- It's still kind of weird whenever something normal happens. Like running through raked-up leaves with a dog.

Jemma: Don’t you ever apologize for a bit of frolicking. Besides, it gave me time to get uuuuus -she retrieves the item from her bag with a flourish- a new scale! It’s got a tare button and everything!

Fleet: -his eyes light up and he claps, clasping his hands as he looks at the scale with hearteyes- No! OH my gosh, that's gonna save us so much time. And math. I'm good at math, don't get me wrong, but I'm also lazy.

Jemma: I don’t know it’s max capacity, so we should probably save it for the small stuff, but I’ve asked the raiders to look for one of those hanging scales, like in grocery stores? But bigger, if possible. Gonna need to raid a butcher shop soon now that we’ve got a real livestock operation.

Fleet: Stop, stop, you're making me wanna make a shopping list. Do we ... can we do that? For the raiders? Or is that frowned upon?

Jemma: DO IT. They won’t be able to get all of it, or something might have to wait. It’s kinda up to the head guy to prioritize things, and he does right by the town so we trust him to make those calls. But I’ve got an in with him that I’m not averse to exploiting.

Fleet: -pauses in pawing at the scale, a little taken aback- Really? We're talking about Isaac here, right? The one who bit my dad?

Jemma: -tempering her excitement- Yes. Not his finest moment. Is he alright? Your dad?

Fleet: -is quiet for a moment- The thing is, Jemma ... I kind of understand why Isaac got mad. I don't think Daddy's exactly the sort of man that you'd want going after a woman you care about. It's just Ike didn't have to hurt him like that, so savagely.

Jemma: I don’t think anyone would disagree with you there. Probably not even Ike, if he were able to be objective about it. Ike on his own has a lot of demons. Add his complicated history with Mayra to the mix and…well it’s no excuse. He usually has raiding as an outlet. He hasn’t had that outlet in a long while. Your dad just said that wrong thing at the right time.

Fleet: I know my dad's far from a saint. Even Uncle Sol didn't want to go see if he was okay after he got hurt. -toys with his scarf, thinking about it- I mean he did go, after I poked him a little, and that's probably not great of me because they have their own history together and I'm sure Uncle Sol has valid reasons for being estranged, but ... look at where we are now! Look what we've survived! I want them to move past it all!

Jemma: -she smiled, a little sadly- Maybe they will, some day. And hey, if Sol went and saw him ‘cause of you, that’s a hell of a testament to how much he cares about you.

Fleet: -frowning slightly, looking down as he folds his scarf up- It's probably hard for other people to understand why I'm so protective of Daddy since it's almost like he...enjoys riling everyone up. But I think it's just a show, y'know? Deep down I think he wants to belong, it's just being rejected outright if he shows how needy he is would mess him up worse than existing as some kind of pariah. I dunno. Maybe that doesn't make sense.

Jemma: It makes a lot of sense. You been told before that you have high emotional intelligence?

Fleet: No! I've been told before that I'm high maintenance, does that count? -laughs, shoving his scarf and gloves aside- I come from a big family so I'm used to all the work, y'know, all the compromises and stuff to get along. Did you? Come from a big family? Or is it working with the public that makes you so diplomatic?

Jemma: -pulling out her notebook and pen- Working in local government is what did it. I was an only child, and I was lucky to have a really level-headed family. Not calm, exactly, but…gracious. Gave each other a lot of grace, immediate forgiveness, that kinda thing. Didn’t have a lot of need for mediating, y’know? Did you like the big family thing?

Fleet: -pushes up his sleeves, taking out his own notebook and pencil as they're getting down to business, as well as one of their prized calculators- I loved it. So many cousins, and then family friends on top of that who were basically cousins, and aunties, and uncles, and everything. It was messy but I always had an audience and a shoulder to cry on. -sucks on the tip of his pencil, looking at Jemma thoughtfully- It shows. The graciousness. I don't mean this in a dismissive way but you seem sorta ... unburdened.

Jemma: I always wanted siblings. I had tons of friends all through school, so I was never without company, but I was SO jealous of my friends with brothers and sisters. -reflects for a moment- I try to let go of as much as I can. Make room for carrying the good stuff with me. Easier said than done sometimes.

Fleet: I'm nosy. You might have noticed by now. But! -tosses his head a little- You are, as we just discussed, a very gracious person so I'm taking full advantage of that. -smiles, reaching over to hold her hand for a moment- Plus if we're gonna be doing a job as persnickety as this one together, I think we should feel comfortable with questioning each other! I get extremely shirty about how to categorize certain things and I fight with claws.

Jemma: Oh, I love a workshop mentality, by all means, reconfigure our systems if you’ve got ideas for improvement. But you don’t have to bring out the claws, I rarely put up enough of a fuss to warrant them.

Fleet: Really? Okay, good, I'll take you at your word on that. -heads towards one of their shelves- I thought I might be stepping on people's toes doing things my way but honestly, every here's very agreeable. Except Zack. But I think I found my own way around him.

Jemma: -raises her eyebrows as she starts making a chart- Oh, do tell. He’s one of the tougher nuts to crack around here.

Fleet: -in between reporting back on their stocks for her chart- We got off to a rocky start, that's for sure - I didn't think I'd get bullied for being queer the minute I got to town! -he snickers at the ridiculousness of it, clearly unbothered- I think Zack isn't used to people not being afraid of him, but understanding what he's capable of. He doesn't scare me but I know what he could do if he's pushed. It's a delicate balance. Gotta get a boy too puzzled by you to keep on trying to threaten you.

Jemma: -she hums in laughter to herself- Well then, maybe we’ll just make you the town Zack-whisperer. Between you and that ex-wife of his, it sounds like he’s in good hands. Nobody else has given you trouble, though?

Fleet: Nooooooo, I'm a ray of sunshine, nobody has any beef with me. Maybe they will with his House of Usher ex, but that's none of my business. -trots over to Jemma- Level with me. Has anybody in town ever given you trouble?

Jemma: Nothing serious. Council meetings have involved spats sometimes. I’m a big proponent of getting rid of the precinct protocol, so that causes occasional head-butting. Your dad flirted with me a little more than I cared for, but it seemed harmless. The only person I ever had genuine trouble with got booted from town ages ago, for unrelated reasons. So nobody these days!

Fleet: -hangs on her word, eager for the gossip- Who is it who likes the precinct protocol? Ermano and Isaac? Dr. Brandon doesn't seem the type. My dad flirting with you - that I believe. I hope he hasn't tried anything since then. He seems a little ... -shifts, measuring this out- ...fixated on Mayra. Has nicknames for her, got this healing salve from her....

Jemma: I think it’s mostly that they’re just comfortable with it. No one is opposed to another option, it’d just take a lot of work and it’s taking a while to convince them to make it a priority. -she winces a little at the mention of Mayra- That seems like potential trouble. Not to meddle or anything, but she’s awfully vulnerable right now. And no disrespect to your dad, but Cole seems just the type to foster all her bad habits

Fleet: -pushes in a little closer to Jemma- That's what I'm worried about. I don't know if she's overly trusting, or if she thinks my dad's attractive, or she thinks she's just being nice and helping him out, but it's ... it could be trouble. Maybe I should talk to her. Maybe it would have more of an impact coming from me, because I'm his son and I love him.

Jemma: My guess is equal parts trying to be helpful and lowkey attracted to him. But if you talk to her, maybe be gentle about it? She’s not one to be told what to do.

Fleet: -breathes out, gratefully- Thank you. That's the best possible advice. This isn't something I wanted to really have to try and find somebody to talk to about, who wouldn't act like Daddy's already committed a crime right off the bat.

Jemma: -she shrugs- I’m a woman dating a guy with a propensity to rub people wrong. I’m all about benefits of the doubt.

Fleet: Yeah. What's, uh ... what's that about, anyhow? -holds up his hands for a minute- Not trying to be confrontational, believe me, considering the Zack of it all. But I think mine's a little more to do with vanity. I'm horribly full of myself.

Jemma: I love the guy. Our first interaction was kind of insanely vulnerable. He’s shown me his soft underbelly and…and I love him. Can’t help it. Wouldn’t want to if I could.

Fleet: -chews this over for a few moments- I've never felt that way with a lover, insanely vulnerable. Physically sometimes but that was the point. Never emotionally. I always went for older men who were emotionally unavailable because then I didn't have to worry about their feelings. -grimaces, thumbing his nose- Kind of obvious that I have daddy issues, that's unavoidable, but at least I figured that out early.

Jemma: Sometimes that makes all the difference--just knowing what your issues are gonna be. The emotional stuff is my favorite part, truth be told. Even when that means heartbreak, I just can't pass it up.

Fleet: You're braver than I am, Miss Okafor. -shakes his head, going back to the shelf- Maybe someday it'll seem worth the risk to me. But not now. Right now my heart stays in its shellac.

Jemma: Nothing wrong with that. But all that talk you were doing about reconciling and making the most of the end of the world? Seems like that heart of yours is already eager to be put to use.

Fleet: -pauses, then turns to look at her- Okay, you are reaaaaaally good at this. Anybody ever tell you you have astronomical emotional intelligence?

Jemma: -full-on belly-laughing- Yeeeaaahh, it was a self-selling point on my resumes back in the day. Believe me, I can verge into preachiness with it, I've had more than one friend remind me they wanted a vent session, not a therapy session. But it comes in SUPER handy nowadays.

Fleet: -laughing too, distracted from what he's doing- PLEASE tell me you used it as a humblebrag! I love a good unrepentant humblebrag. But seriously, though - this really is the time for it. Have you found that? Like, your most exaggerated traits seem almost mild now because everything else is so amped up? It makes me wonder just how OTT some of the people in town were normally!

Jemma: -nodding aggressively, then patting his arm- Y'know actually, my favorite thing to look for in people was how into the whole rat race they were before everything went down. Like sure, life has gotten objectively way harder and worse, in a lot of ways. I don't blame anybody that misses the things that used to bring them comfort. But in some folks, you can almost watch them, in real-time, totally come to life in this new reality. There's a guy named Doug who used to run a hedge fund, dude was almost a billionaire, but it turns out his great peace and passion is water filtration. The guy's obsessed with charcoal and experimenting with ash. He never would have known!

Fleet: -repeats, solemnly- He ever would've known. I'm kinda looking forward to discovering what I never would've known about myself. I'm starting off small, I guess - branching out the kind of guys I'm into. I wouldn't have done more than glance at Clint before, since he's undeniably cute, but now I'm going on an honest-to-god date with him.

Jemma: Clint!? Quiet bayou Clint? Oh, now he must've taken a shine to you to come out of his shell like that. Good for him. Good for you! -sighing with a smile- This is all a shit show in so many ways. It's easy to forget that here behind the walls, with all the safety. And it's not a smart to forget it. But, it's also kind of a gigantic gift.

Fleet: Maybe that's my thing. Sniffing out diamonds in the rough, at least when it comes to paramours. -giggles a little, considering that word that had puzzled his uncle- It's probably bad that now that I'm here I've completely switched off the part of my brain that thinks about that kind of survival skills, for past the walls. -makes a determined face- I'll give myself till the end of the year to purposely not think about it and then I'll go back to being more mindful.

Jemma: It’s not bad, honey, you’re still very new to the whole concept of safety we’ve got here. Enjoy it while you can, there’s always a reality check around the corner.

[viscountessevie]

And of course not to mention day drinking on set with heavy equipment … explain this detailed please 🙏

From this bit of my Bton S3 Production Commentary:

ANON THANK YOU FOR ASKING *cracks knuckles* I’ve been waiting for someone to ask this. So the outline of this answer is actually a paragraph I cut out from the post linked above because Triv said I was being too harsh and Champagne Fridays is mostly a joke. Which is true but also if it is as bad as I imagine, it is a really fucked up thing to bring to work. Especially on a film set with heavy equipment and machinery which brings me to my mini thesis on why Champagne Fridays Are Unprofessional AF!

Okay so quick disclaimer, I will say a lot of the timing and excessiveness is speculation based on what I observed in NC’s stories and the way she & her friend-coworkers on set hype it up. Here’s to hoping Bton is ACTUALLY being professional and responsible for once and it’s not as bad as it seems 🤞🤞

For those who do not know, early on during Bton’s production of S3 in August, Nicola started this thing on set called Champagne Fridays. As the name suggests, the cast and crew drink champagne on set on Fridays. From NC’s stories, she and her make up artists are seen drinking it while they do HMU (hair & make up) for her so that indicates the start of the shoot day/in between scenes for touch ups. I have also seen her take story pictures of having champagne with the clapper which tells us she is drinking with the camera crew during takes/lunch break, basically in the middle of the shoot day. 

[More Under The Cut:]

I don't care if it's Friday and TGIF, it's extremely unprofessional to be introducing AND condoning (this is definitely on the Producers too) something called Champagne Fridays and documenting drinking on set at the start and during a shoot day. If I had to compare it to a everyday sort of job: imagine going into the office and drinking at the start, in meetings and on break throughout the day all while vlogging about it 🤡. It’s just not good etiquette or something you do during work. 

As someone who has been trained as a Producer, here is why this is such a hazard to the job and something that Execs and Producers by right should be shutting this down: 

1) Occupational Hazard: With the HMU team, fine they can just mess up her makeup. However with the camera crew, it is highly dangerous as they handle heavy equipment like huge film cameras, heavy lights & stands, and other similar tech equipment that require care and caution. Someone can be seriously hurt if the crew was tipsy/drunk while handling the tech stuff. Not to mention they are VERY expensive so it would cost production even more money to replace it. 

2) Alcoholism: This practice is very exclusive to people who enjoy and can consume alcohol. If the objective is to keep up morale and encourage team bonding, Champagne Fridays has failed in that respect and does a terrible job. It excludes people who may be recovering alcoholics (also potentially triggering relapses), Muslims or anyone else who abstain from drinking for whatever reason and are not comfortable drinking. Especially in a workplace setting. 

2b) While I am sure they moderate, it still does encourage alcoholism and what if someone can't handle their liquor? Their jobs will be sloppy and would have to be redone - once again costing production’s money and wasting everyone’s time (I actually once joked is CF why they are doing reshoots for S3 - I really hope not, that would be so messed up) 

No matter how you cut it, it just seems tacky to be excessively drinking on a weekly basis and encouraging others to do the same while you are all working and supposed to be present and sober! 

This may sound harsh and I may be bias because its Nicola but honestly if anyone else even Simone or Jonny had done it - I would have absolutely had this same reaction and rightfully criticise my faves. (Speaking of Jimone tho, why couldn’t NC have done an ice cream truck too? That was so cute and inclusive of everyone!!) 

I am harsh because this is what was taught to me in Film School. If my team had done this on one of our sets, we would have been suspended and failed the credit. On actual sets here, it would have been an immediate firing. That’s how serious and dangerous involving alcohol on set is. It really is a slippery slope to being a harmful practice that is cause for concern and safety on set. 

After all this being said, I do hope it was aboveboard, moderated drinking and most times done AFTER the shoot was done for the week and they had the next day off. If it was during the shoot days and at the start as seen in her stories, then it is definitely worrying for the reasons mentioned above. 

[retphienix]

@sablesablesablesable replied to your post “Ingame notepad, macros I'll be using later game no...”:

Hey how did you like this game? I’m on a bit of a bender about it so I’ve been looking for people who play it

​The short answer is I really liked it.

The long answer is that when I played it I intended to give it a "real shake" later on, and the later on in question has not come up:

I bought it, played it for a few days, then tabled it for later with no regrets and a good mood attached to the experience.

Due to the time between then and now some details are fuzzy, and yes 100% I'm still looking forward to when I come back and decide to give it a full playthrough and my attention (like so many titles lol), but I think I can sum up my take on it something along the lines of-

It scratched an itch I had for a very specific brand of monster tamer a-la Dragon Quest Monsters but it did so many things that felt like its own identity (whether those things are an amalgamation of other monster tamers I can't promise to know).

I did feel like the extreme amount of customization and "ways to improve your team/gameplay" options was "arguably" bloated, but I also concede that I fully enjoyed the mess of options and never felt like any one option was required so much as included- like I enjoyed the in-depth planning through macros so you could basically program if-thens into your monsters attack patterns, but that's also something I wouldn't be in the mood to do "All" the time, but the option being there is objectively cool.

The writing was silly which was appreciated but also did make me gloss over and ignore a great deal of it- like in an attempt to take itself less seriously to differentiate from the bland and uninteresting dialogue in say pokemon it went full circle to being uninteresting sometimes (key word sometimes).

The monsters are fun; I won't say they won my heart the same way the classic Toriyama designs in DQM have, but a very important part of a monster collecting / battling / team making game like this are those designs and I was very much enjoying exploring them all :)

There's more on my mind about it, like I vaguely remember you having control over the colors of your monsters after breeding which I found "eh" because I'd like stability to the designs but also it was an option and having the option is cool- and also this could be a bad memory moment lol

But overall I'd just say Siralim Ultimate was a lot of fun- definitely a game I'm looking forward to playing more of. It gave me that classic "Just grind some levels out and unlock new stuff" vibe that DQM always has thanks to all the random dungeons you can dive in to grind out resources and levels. Very good "Chill and play" kind of game.

[glittersandsourcherries]

Cheatercheaterbestfriend (part 1) | Elliot x Reader

Summary: Elliot comes clean and tells you about what happened on Saturday

Pairing: Elliot x Reader

Word count: 1.2k

Warnings: mention of cheating, swearing, mention of use

Note: Can you guess where I got the title inspo from?

part 2

-

You considered Jules as one of your best friends. Until tonight.

You fastened you pace in the barely-lit street, impatient to see Elliot after this insufferable dinner with your parents - being a child of divorce sucked.

He was playing guitar in his bedroom when you arrived and had a pen in his mouth, likely writing music. Although you enjoyed listening to him play, you took the guitar from his lap and replaced it with yourself. Now aware of your presence, Elliot took the pen from his mouth. He opened his mouth to say hello, but you cupped his face and kissed him, not letting him time to place a word. His lips felt appeasing against yours, turning your mood completely.

Elliot slid his hands to your waist, breaking the kiss. ''Hi.'' He bumped his nose against yours before stealing a quick kiss.

''Hi.'' You smiled at him sweetly, snaking your arms behind his neck.

It's crazy how the sole presence of someone you love can uplift your mood.

''Sorry for the wait, my parents were arguing about who I'll be spending Christmas with this year. As if I can't make my own decisions...'' You sighed, tired of all of that.

You thought joint custody would satisfy everybody, but it turned out to be a whole mess. Now they're fighting for you like you were some object they split the cost of to get. It's ridiculous and exhausting.

Confusion washed over Elliot's face. ''Isn't Christmas in three months?''

''I know.'' You absentmindedly played with the curls at the back of Elliot's head. ''They never cared much about Christmas, New Years, birthdays, Easter or even Labor day, but since the divorce, they're very into holidays. My mother wants to start celebrating Hanukkah just to spite my father and have me for a whole week! We aren't even Jewish!''

Elliot laughed.

''I got them to let me make plans with friends for New Years, so I can spend it with you. Wouldn't want to miss our first New Years kiss.''

At the mention of a New Years kiss, Elliot's face churned and his eyes dropped down. It was easy to guess that something was bothering him.

''Eh, before we make any plans like that, there's something I need to tell you.'' He gently pushed you off of him and had you sit in front of him instead, meaning it was serious matter.

The last time you heard those words, it was from your parents who were announcing their separation. You bit your lip and tried to calm your nerves. Whatever Elliot was going to say wouldn't compete with that announcement.

You watching as he chewed on his bottom lip, visibly nervous. ''I've been trying to think of the best way to tell about this, but I don't there there is a good way so I'm gonna take the bull head-on and say it. Jules...kissed me.''

You almost got up and told him to fuck himself, until you realized what he had really said. Jules had kissed him, not the other way around.

A deep frown creased between your eyebrows as your head bubbled with many different questions.

Why would Jules kiss someone else when she has a girlfriend? Doesn't she know the meaning of being faithful? How could she do that to Rue? Your heart was hurting for her. She didn't deserve this.

And why did she kiss Elliot? Didn't she say she was no longer interested in men? If she was confused about her sexuality, couldn't she have picked someone else to experience on? There's a billion men on earth, why did she pick yours? Was it to piss you off?

''When was this?'' you asked calmly.

''On Saturday,'' he replied, his eyes casted down to his lap, unable to meet your eyes after dropping the bomb. ''She arrived here first so we hung out while we were waiting for you and Rue to get here. We were talking and laughing and I don't get why, but she...kissed me.''

You nodded, taking in the information.

''Did you kiss her back?'' Your voice faltered.

To you, this was the most important part. Did Elliot kiss her back? His answer was going to be compelling. It's what will decide the fate of your relationship.

If Elliot kissed her back, there will be no forgiveness. Being a very loyal person, fidelity was very important to you and you could never take back someone who cheated on you, someone who betrayed you.

Elliot shook his head immediately. ''No. Of course not,'' he replied, looking at you with sincerity.

That was all you needed to hear.

.

''I hope not,'' you snapped, taking a seat beside Kat to put on your roller skates. ''I don't want to see her face again.''

''I get it, girl,'' Maddy said. ''If one of my best friends crossed me like that, I wouldn't want to see her face again.''

Before you, Cassie dropped one of her skate, her face looking like she had seen a ghost.

''You okay, Cas?''

She gave you a smile, concealing her real emotions. ''Yes. It just slipped.''

You returned your attention to your skates, pulling at the laces to tighten it.

''It's good that Elliot was honest and told you. Maybe he's got bigger balls than I thought.''

A chuckle left your lips. It's not only the balls, you almost said, but didn't want to start a conversation about your boyfriend's private anatomy.

''Talking about Elliot, where's your man?'' Cassie asked.

''With Rue. He wanted to wait and give Jules time to tell her about the kiss, but it's been weeks and it doesn't seem like Jules will tell her. Elliot feels bad hiding this from her. He doesn't want to be a homewrecker, but she deserves to know.''

''Hopefully she doesn't relapse again...''

Kat gave Maddy a dirty look. ''How can you say things like that?''

''I'm being serious. Rue loves Jules so much. Her heart will be broken. We all know what she'll turn to to numb her feelings.''

Shit. You hadn't thought about that.

When you told the girls about Jules kissing your boyfriend, Kat was the only one who remained friends with Jules. She said she didn't want to pick a side in a conflict that didn't concern her.

Maddy, Cassie and Bb all sided with you. Especially Maddy. Like you, Maddy was a deeply loyal person. To her, cheating - even just a kiss - was unforgivable. Cross her once and fear for your life.

Not feeling like waiting after Maddy, who seemed to take forever to tie her skates, you took Cassie's hand and went on the rink. Having been an ice skater when she was younger, the blonde was very skilled at this and taught you tricks. You were no pro-roller skater, but you didn't fall on your ass every ten seconds.

You watched Cassie perform a successful spin, wishing you were at that level. ''I need you to teach me that,'' you begged.

Cassie's answer was blocked as your head turned in direction of where Maddy and Kat were.

Your jaw clenched. ''What the fuck is she doing here?''

Seeing Jules made your blood boil. How dare she showing up at the roller rink as if nothing happened?

You abandoned Cassie and skated over to the side, rage in your eyes. ''Bitch, I'm gonna fuck you up!''

Terror flashed in Jules's at the sound of your threat. She looked at Kat and Maddy for help, but the latter shook her head.

''Don't look at me like that. I'm not gonna hold her back if she want to fight.''