#and i know its my own fault but. idk
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#literally so fucking tired of everything#im in genuine pain with my tendon and its gone on for months#so im using crutches to help walk easier#like im considering taking them to harry just so its easier on me and im not in pain#but my sister doesn’t believe i’m genuinely in pain#feel so lonely rn too#and i know its my own fault but. idk#tired of not ever feeling good enough or like i don’t deserve friends#anyway#being neg lol#peach talks
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#sars cov 2#covid 19#i've interacted with 4 different friends/acquaintances in the past month alone who have all been hospitalised after having a stroke#(and in one case multiple strokes)#one who i visited in hospital over the weekend had a (unmasked) nurse coughing up a lung in her room 👍#and one of them who had to undergo surgery also had to be moved to a different hospital#bc the ward they were keeping him in was full of confirmed covid patients 👍👍#idk how many times it needs to be said before it gets through people's heads but VACCINES ARE NOT ENOUGH#and encouraging ppl to rely solely on them when there are already plans to jack up the prices so you have to KEEP PAYING for boosters#for an ONGOING mass-disabling event is so laughably unrealistic and absurd and flat-out demonic#you need to mitigate the actual spread of covid by WEARING A MASK + fighting for CLEAN AIR/proper ventilation in public spaces!!!!!!#ppl are so eager to forget the whole 'break the chain of transmission' thing and how effective masking is and so this is where we're at#'i got infected and infected other ppl who might die or become permanently disabled but it's no big deal bc no one else wears a mask#so if /i/ didn't infect them someone else would have anyway so it's not my fault and really its got nothing to do with me and my choices'#if everyone is responsible then no one is responsible - that's how it works right?#it's no wonder some ppl go rabid at even the sight of someone wearing a mask and minding their own business#ppl seeking treatment for unrelated conditions/illnesses and then dying from covid caught in hospitals#due to lack of npis/basic mitigation measures - no regulations no accountability#we truly live in a hell (''new normal'') of our own making#anyway none of this is new news at all i mostly thought it might be good to share the info graphic abt signs of stroke#covid has been given free reign and chances are increasing as to how likely you'll encounter it happening to someone you know at some point#also heart attacks and pots and alzheimer's etc etc etc
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" ᵀʰᵉ ᵗʳᵘᵗʰ ⁱˢ ᴵ ᵃᵐ ᵈᵘᵉ ᵃ ʰᵃʳˢʰ ˡᵉˢˢᵒⁿ "
(print edition)
It's here, it's here! I'm absolutely not mad at how it turned out. And a very big thank you to @floating-goblin-art for giving me their blessing to have it printed. 🖤🤍
#sleep token#floating-goblin#i think it actually cut the tiniest bit of the bottom of the mask off#but thats totally my fault bc ive no idea what i was doing#oh and its just an 8 x 6#idk but I still love this and him and floating-goblin for creating it and now it really can haunt me#inside my phone and out#also supporting artist with donations for their work while i also get to fawn over my very own piece of it#im excited and happy#🖤💫#you can find the orig post on floating-goblins page if you want to see it better#if i dont stop looking at it istg#*ahem* “you know you hypnotize me alwayssss..” ✨️
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1 week until surgery...my brain keeps trying to talk me out of it bc i dont Need it and im scared of medical environments and Pain but i have to remember this is one of the only things that has ever made me consider wanting a tattoo and also the only thing that's made me Excited For and Wanting visible scars...
And also I've been making "i want sterilization and testosterone" meltdown tweets every other week for many many years so we're scratching one off the list LOL
#talkys#i even told me dad like my life is at a standstill bc theres too many choices. i dont have a passion so i could be anything but#i cant pick a future...! but this is the only thing ive ever been sure abt#like genuinely truly bc i still dk if i want top surgery and I know id be grappling wirh finally going on hrt if i had access to it#bc im Scared of my own decisions. if i make a decision and hate it it will be my fault#this is the only decision ive ever been sure of even if i dont need it even if i never ''need'' it#the One True Dysphoria Subject (other than *** ****** * **** of course but nothing can be done abt that.)#i dont want my body to be capable of it i want it to be mine forever and not something tragedy can happen to.#also abt the scars thing: i was more against ir a few yrs ago but along with top surgery being a more demanding surgery ive#never rly liked the thought of scars. like. idk. just adds insult to injury that my body had to be modified instead of being born right#but this? i want visible scars i get sad that ppl say they (understandably) fade away easily. symbols of honor#i dont like permanence (lmfao) in other categories so i wouldnt get the neutered tattoo but its adjacent to wanting the scars lol
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i think i may have created way to much pressure on myself when i tell people to send stuff that theyve tagged me in that i've missed. like yes i'd love to be able to read everything you guys send me but im gone most of the day now and its just not possible anymore. it kinda makes me sad because ive probably missed out on so much because of the sheer amount of things in my mentions.
#auburn's rambles <3#i dont know uhhh i think i just had an epiphany#all of my posts have been downers lately I AM SO SORRY#but also i think. it stems from people using me too#like people send me asks telling me about stuff i missed instead of talking to me to talk to me#and its not their fault because i told them to do that but it makes the mean part of my brain tell me that theyre just using me#to make their own audiences bigger like what happened in the past#its jus t kinda tiring idk#but everything has been a little tiring lately#on the bright side i finished my exam!!! so now i just need to work on chemistry stuff and my art paper ^^#and since the event starts tomorrow hopefully i'll be able to get a few letters in hehe
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good news for all my haters: im not coming back. not properly. i think social media and being around ppl in general is destroying me so im gonna just focus my energy on other stuff
ill probably still be a little bit active occassionally but for now i think il just stick to posting art etc. im moving to sheezy.art (which is down for maintenance rn but opens for registration again on fridays!) bc the energy there is much nicer for me.. but ill still post on here and insta. im also gonna be working on building my own website again!! so bookmark it and maybe some day itll have cool stuff on it.... :]
#idk ill see how this goes but ive been like lurking here for a couple days and every time without fail it makes me feel shitty#may not be a permanent thing but i have a couple safeguards in place now to stop me from getting sooooo bad. i think#i deleted all the apps off my phone. which has helped a lot esp deleting insta for reels#and i actually made another blog for like if i ever go Cazy again. for like vents and stuff . altho if im not on social media at all it#shldnt be a prblem#i wont share that but u can ask for it if u want. tho unlikely ill post for a while idk#for the record my neocities has like nothing on it rn. its essentially a series of tests from when i started last yr#and got nowhere lollll.. but im hoping to have a lot of fun with it soon#lol this whole thing is a little stupid. and i feel bad but just know its all my own fault. my own issues etc#its happened b4 itll happen time and time again i think. so im just gonna part ways w it#from now on if im gonna overshare it has to be in a lengthy edited well written blog post !!!!!!!!!!!#oke. bye#i do actually have smth to post later on my rnm blog but whatevaaa#oh ill start up my queues again too
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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off
#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an#actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall#flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government#i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just#fucking let me burn#anyways#sorry#free palestine#any other#jumblr#girlies (gn) relating to my vent#bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people#and its such a fucking shitty feeling#like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center#like just say you hate jews and fuck off#i cant look at this shit anymore fuck#idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down#im so fucking tired#and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this#and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only#and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race#like there arent jews of every race#the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder#were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly#like fuck i just#dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target#idk what to do I'm just#desolate
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Oh god. 5 months from today I will lose student status. Bro I've never been anything else What will I do
#well ok ill be a phd student lol but you know. that's not legally or practically a student#everything is going so fast now. and it's my own fault for being good i didnt even think id be this fast. but i am#and idk when ill get a phd position i might have to register as unemployed in the interim#idkkk how much difference it will really make or if it's more of a symbolic thing im scared of#its too fast i havent listened to Vienna by billy joel enough recently and forgot to slow down.#p
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oughh......
#laya plays dragon age#da2#oc: liam hawke#this happened a bit ago already & i wanted to draw sth for it but idk if i will finish that#but i gotta yell abt them anyway because OGH.#i have a lot of emotions about this quest ok#bartrand was the perfect scapegoat he was perfect to direct all the rage and pain at all these years#years of imagining gleeful revenge while bartrand is gloating and laughing like an evil soulless bastard#and then you meet him and he is just. a pathetic husk of a man with barely any own will left#and whats worse. varric is so so torn up about it#varric. the guy who never makes anything about him and who will always handwave and joke when something hits too close to home#drops all efforts to be smart and is just. desperate. begs hawke to not kill his brother#and liam wants to want bartrand dead so bad. he wishes he could look him in the eye and enjoy taking his life#and he knows varric will listen to him if he insisted. he knows when it comes down it it varric will yield to his decision#but he sees this broken guy who is barely the villain he kept projecting onto him and he sees varric and he sees two doomed siblings#and knows what its like to lose your sibling to your own blade#and he cant do it#and he hates it so much. but he wont do it.#and its the reason why i cant decide who dealt the killing blow for bethany bc it makes this scene juicy in different ways#if varric kills bethy its equally wanting to spare each other their siblings blood on their hands#as it is taking some form of revenge (on liams part). we both killed each others siblings. now we are even#the revenge part would still be there if liam did the blow on bethany himself. you made me do that and now i will take bartrand for it#but its also much more i know what its like. i wont make go through that too#if varric killed bethy and then also bartrand it would be more#''its my fault she is dead. i will take the revenge she/you deserves if you tell me to even though it will hurt me#dunno. all good variations i will. have to rotate them in my head more#or maybe just never decide idk they can be in canon limbo forever#anyways thats it for shouting into the void about them for now it Will happen again
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posting for e.x.a.r. - [ 'it's out. keep it out.' ]
#i'm pretty sure sar posted the whole drawing on their blog awhile back#anyway it's almost 5 am we should be asleeeeeeep but i wasn't gonna kick xar out yk#idk how the hell they made that track but it scares the hell out of me#music#my music#i never know what to do for the artist tag for our own stuff cause not all of us say who made it (and we don't always know)#and the name we chose for like soundcloud and stuff is kinda mostly a placeholder i guess???????#depends how we spread the projects i guess#why am i always posting music in the middle of the fucking night when nobody is gonna see it#🙉🙈🙊#ITS NOT MY FAULT VULNERABILITY IS SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!#:/#okay bye#is it still considered an album art if it's just one song#i won't change it cause xar don't want me to but#i just wonder#okay actually goodbye now#i need a snack and sleep#love u all <3
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love seeing friends join and talk in this little discord knowing that MY bestie actively Tricked Me Into Joining by saying he was joining too and then he left me to die 💔💔💔
#SLASH DRAMATIC it was. my own fault. i KNEW BETTER i KNEW how busy he was i KNEW he couldnt/shouldnt join another exchange... and yet.#also i did need the extra push i think or i wouldve been too scareds to do it. now that im Here its like i might as well u know...#ALSO also idk if he actually meant to join or not? he mightve meant and then forgot OR it was a lie but either way its Really funny#ill just be soooo trembling shaking crying the entire time as well#itd be so much easier if i had even ONE published fic for this fandom but no. 26k wip that im nowhere NEAR done with#its fine its fine its so so fine#alyalyoxenfree
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u know that whole "theres a whole world out there we're unaware of" thing that usually gets applied to like, unheard of network tv shows, the zynternet, suburban family trends, etc? thats how i feel when i hear about like, in person events or whatever via some random reel, like showing some massive hyper specific event with like hundreds of people doing some activity or at some place w zero context or explanation, seemingly in america just like me, that i have never seen or heard of in my life. like where did this come from? was this always a thing? is this a thing that only popped up in the last 3 years like a lot of weird specific trends? im not judging im just confused 😭
#like i just saw a reel of what seemed to be a rollerskate? dance battle? rave??? festival? with like. hundreds of atendees#and a specific term used to describe them that ive never seen or heard before#or there was some college party festival thing i saw vids of last yearish where everyone was wearing fringed pants and there were like 100's#of ppl dancing outside a gas station??????#but i do expect that w college sport culture somewhat#or when someone brings up a restaurant/club as if everyone had heard of it#idk if this stuff has always been a thing and social media just illuminated it more#or its just stuff u find out about as an adult and the whole time ive been an adult theres been a lot of bullshit going on#OR if its rly stuff that popped up post covid whrre ppl were trying to come up with events#like im pretty sure those massive interactive art events are a new thing#or the meow wolf stuff#selfie museums are also new but not post covid#but like idk ive heard of those things#its kinda like#yknow that video of all the cybergoths dancing under that bridge????#that was like an expected amount of people for that imo#its like theres anime convention level events happening for niche hobbies#i think in theory its cool im always just confused and apprehensive when ppl bring up stuff as if its a given#w absolutely zero preambe#*preamble#which isnt anyones fault except my own for having autistic childhood trauma based insecurities#this is me working out in real time why these things throw me for a loop#OR the very real knowledge that a lot of people are desperate to become influencers & grifters and sell u bullshit#and catering to a hyper specific market is one way to do that#anyway do u know what i mean or was this always a thing and these r just the ramblings of an insane person
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how do i have almost 15k words for this stupid thang and i havent even posted any of it. maybe i should post the first few bits for my birthday. get me some dopamine.
#had all of october to post this one as part of kinktober and now its the last week AND the first section is all setup so theres#not even any kink yet. huge fucking L#im just getting kind of frustrated with my own inability to write this#i know its not really my 'fault' like ive just been having a bit of a shit time irl and its difficult to get into the right vibe to write#in general and then esp this one. but i really really loved the idea and had a lot of fun writing what ive got so far#so to feel that drop off sucks yknow#anyway. idk lets see maybe ill get inspired soon
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Please try to find some sort of therapy or something because you have So so much more potential and worth than you think you do and its earnestly so saddening to see you resigning yourself to a fate you don't deserve
its ok because its my own fault honestly :[ im going to try to stop complaining now that it's just becoming more and more evident that im just choosing not to take da reins of my own life
#anonymous#skunk mail#im trying to get myself back to optimism#bc there Is a rare potential opportunity for me#but i dont think im going to take it or the other help offered#the stuff i have going on with my family is far too complicated#on top of now thinking my life would be worse if i moved im going to be honest and say i literally dont want to waste 8 hrs of the day if i#can help it.#ill be struggling to keep myself alive much less draw and if my art improvement stagnates even MORE i#dont know whats the point of sticking around#im literally just useless member of society and actively deciding to do so#so obviously im not going to get anything i want nor do i deserve it. im not willing to put#the work in. its too difficult. i dont want anything that much.#its my own fault#idk how ill feel in a few months once ive missed my only chance but its how i feel now#i was so determined and resolved for a few months and was even planning but all it took was one conversation#to bring me back to reality so how would i even survive on my own if im this weak and naïve lol#i dont know.#delete later
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love posting about ev and an as if theyre in love. i mean are they? i have no idea. nary a clue
#my post#theyre my ocs youd think id know#the answer is um um uh in some versions in my head theyre dating but thats like not canon#they are. an approximation of what an aromantic person thinks being in love looks like#idk they hate each other they both literally have no one else in their lives its kindof their own faults theyre scared of letting anyone ge#close again they dont know what theyll do if anyone else leaves theyre nasty and bitter and it barely has anything to do with the other#person at all.#until eventually it starts to dawn o both of them that theyre not leaving. and that they really dont WANT the other to leave. and that they#actually kind of... LIKE... hanging out all day#idk and then they make out sloppy style#thats a lie they dont do that#idk they dont get much of a chance to be normal bcus then everin dies so. who knows what they wouldve been#<- smiles#actually#i know#i know because originally everin was gonna survive#anddddd they wouldve lived happily ever after and ran away from this place and never looked back and seen the world and eventually bought a#home in a village in the middle of nowhere where no one knows who they are and no one will ever come looking. and they have a community and#friends and life is beautiful and bright#however none of that happens anymore because everin dies and andoras is left behind to perpetuate the cycle of vengeance and violence#my bad
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thinking about it sex work isnt inherently less safe than doing any other 1:1 meeting work (a thing youd do a lot in home care as a nurse for example), it's the structures and stigma that make it less so
#i havent done sw ive only done healthcare#i would actually like to do sw#the societal and structural issues around it which are not the fault of swers is whats keeping me from trying it#that and i am in fact not a very hard worker and i have a very niche look/vibe#like theres a market but i fear it might be saturated compared to how many ppl are into it and how many restrictions i have#idk#anyway what i mean by structures is like the way you need to self establish your safety network vs if you go to a client in eg healthcare u#workplace likely knows where you are. also the stigma and hate against swers vs stigma against many other professions#(anyway ymmv im just musing around my own area)#im afraid of being doxxed by you know whats and its already almost happened and theres info connected to my name id rather not be there#so thats sorta my Main Fear like i would wanna keep anonymity if i were to do it and thats hard and im quite recognisable on even like#live video if you really really wanna cause me trouble w like future employers or sth in other fields#ANYWAY#treewhispers
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