#and i know it but it bothers me in the sense that im not doing anything crazy good fjkzkfkakf
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do you see anyone other than me? (baby please) | rafayel (lnds)
✮ tags ; rafayel x fem+ afab!reader, established relationships, dom!reader, sub!rafayel, gentle femdom, oral (m!recieving + some f!recieving), anal (m!recieving), praise kink (so much), dirty talk (SO much),pegging / topping, top!reader, bottom!rafayel dry orgasms 18+
✮ wc ; 6.9k (come on man)
✮ a/n ; reader and mc do not share a personality in this. reader is intentionally meant to have like... a more serious personality. so they are mc but not at the same time if that makes sense sdkjskj.
also i know this guy but only a little bit. i was planning on binging the main story after caleb got released but got ?? caught up writing this?? this has happened twice im so scared
✮ synopsis ; making sure rafayel actually forgives you is at the top of your priorities.
When you come home from the office, take your shoes off, and turn the corner into the living room—you know without looking that Rafayel is in a mood.
Not a good one.
It’s something in the air, a lingering tension that makes all movement stiff as you attempt to navigate through the unease. You find Rafayel on the couch. Soft, deep lavender waves tussled like he’s been tossing and turning - pressed into the side of the couch. All curled up small.
Somehow, you just know what sort of attitude you’ll be met with. You know your lover well enough to know that he’ll be moody but you’ve less confidence in regards to what that mood may be.
Taking a deep breath, you step into the wide expanse of Rafayel’s living room and studio. His head turns, bangs falling in his face as you slide your work bag off from your shoulder to set aside. Your keys, noisy as you set them down, even gently—trying to leave the air undisturbed. He’s looking at you from over his shoulder but realizes he can’t completely see you that way. Instead of standing to his feet to come greet you, he drops his head back on the arm of the couch to stare at you upside down in a tense silence.
You give him a look. His mood is sour. Maybe more than you thought. He smiles first, then frowns unhappily before turning his attention back to what he was doing. You hear small scratching noises—he’s sketching. You wonder how long he’s been sitting there doing that, since he usually just prefers to paint without thinking too hard.
After that, he doesn’t look at you. He doesn’t greet you, either.
“I’m home.” You say evenly. You think about being placating from the jump, but without knowing his exact reason - you worry you’ll only worsen the state of affairs.
Rafayel hums. “Welcome home.”
Your brain wracks through every possibility on what could be the source of this level of moodiness. Sometimes, his moody behavior is for kicks but it’s not this time. If it was, he’d lay it on thickly. Act theatrically towards you, get in your face about it.
But he’s tense, forceful—every scratch of his pencil is too harsh like it’s rife with irritation. You tread carefully.
“Can I sit with you?”
“Why are you asking? Don’t you live here too? Just because I bought the couches with my money doesn’t mean—“
“Rafayel.” You say, interrupting him. He scowls at you. “Can I?”
As if more bothered by you being level, he huffs. It’s followed with a business smile over his shoulder. “Sure. Do whatever you want.”
You choose to sit on the empty end of the couch where Rafayel does his sketching - fitting yourself in the gap of his space near his feet. You slide yourself in then gently lift his legs into your lap. Rafayel gives you a look when you do this, clearly debating on whether or not he should reject your act of goodwill. Ultimately he stays.
Notably, while his pencil is still scratching on paper - you think by this point he’s not really sketching anything at all.
“I got off of work late,” You explain. You rest your hands on his calf gently. “There was an incident near the station but it was a false alarm so I ended up being cleared.”
“Oh? Is that so?”
Warm, you think. You nod.
“There’s been a lot of Metaflux increases in the residential districts close to our headquarters. It’s odd.” You explain. Rafayel is quiet, looking at his nails disinterested. You go on, not taking offense. “Strange as it is, there’s been no active threats. Still, given the location, it needs a lot of man power to be investigated.”
Rafayel sits quietly, unreadable. You continue on. “So it’s been busy. I think we’ve cleared the level of threat, so another team will probably take over soon.”
“Hm.” Rafayel says, a petulant edge to his voice. Warmer. “So that’s why you’ve been so late this week. I guess it’s good that nothing happened. It must’ve been difficult, so difficult if you could barely spend time with your one and only lover. But I guess it’s fine, it’s not like there’s anything you can do in that circumstances. Well, you could’ve done a lot but if it didn’t occur to you there’s nothing to be said, then again—why would it—“
Hot. “Rafayel.”
“What.”
“I’m sorry for being late,” You say.
A beat. His frown deepens.
“And?”
You pause before answering, smiling apologetically. “For not keeping in contact with you more.”
Some of the life returns to him. You’ve deduced the source of his bad mood, which means the only thing left is to alleviate it. You don’t like seeing him upset. He’s quick to forgive you, always optimistic and trying to keep your relationship lighthearted.
But there is an underlying desire in him that makes you more conscious about any minor infringements. Despite himself, Rafayel is more concerned about you liking him than he’ll ever let on in his life. Even when he’s upset, he’ll forgive you - but the feelings linger until they explode. When he gets like that, it’s much harder to comfort him.
It’ll fester if you don’t apologize properly. You know him well enough to know that and you love him well enough to not want to see when disaster strikes.
(Plus, there’s something about the way he’s still pouting. He’s trying to relax, but it’s there. It’s cute to you. It makes you want to kiss it better.)
“I’m sorry,” You offer. You reach for the hand resting in his lap and he lets you take it, though it’s limp. You press a kiss to the back of it, eyes full of affection. “I’m not used to having someone wait for me,”
Rafayel makes another face at you, unreadable. “Not just anyone.”
You laugh lightly. “That’s true.”
Squeezing his hand tighter, you kiss it one more time. “Can I make it up to you…?”
“I don’t know. Can you?”
“I’d like to,” You offer, another kiss - just higher on back of his hand. Closer towards his wrist. “Whatever you wanted.”
“Whatever I want is a tempting offer, Miss Bodyguard. What a talent for bargaining you have, indeed. Maybe you should try bidding a one of my auctions, just to see.”
“I’d bid too high off the bat. I’d go bankrupt,” You tease back, a sweet lilt to your voice that makes Rafayel’s eyes shimmer, fond of your wit. “Would you be willing to keep me if I gave it all up that way, I wonder?”
“Since it was for me, I could consider being merciful.”
You give him sincere but small smile and Rafayel seems to warm up seeing it. He can be coy, even playful about his affection but there’s something about him today that feels more shy then it does anything else.
“If I can ask for whatever I want,” Rafayel starts. “Maybe we could start with paying back your dues. After all you owe me your full undivided attention after your week of neglect.”
“That’s easy.” You say, charming. Rafayel makes a face at you that makes you want to laugh. “I wanted to give you that anyway. Is that all?”
“Are you telling me to be more demanding? You think that’s a wise choice?”
“If it makes you happy, I’ll play the fool.”
It’s corny, deliberately not something you’d say to anyone else or at any other time. Something that Rafayel might say to you in a different circumstance, so in a way you’ve simply beat him to the punch. He goes through several feelings, each passing over his expression. Amusement to disbelief to embarrassment even he can’t cover up too easily.
Great risk comes with great reward. Yours is a smiling Rafayel, boyish and amused. Color returned to him, a playful air of mischief about him.
“Well if you’re that desperate to make it up to me, then I guess I could try to forgive you. Gosh, you must be so desperate if you’re willing to act this way. You’ve totally fallen for me, haven’t you?”
Yes, you think. Too much of that at once and he’ll get shy again. You’ll have plenty of coaxing to do later so you keep the thought to yourself. You smile at him instead. “So, you’ve anymore demands for me, my liege?”
Rafayel hums before breaking out into a grin. “Hmm. For now, just one.” He offers you his hand. “Take me upstairs.”
__
Rafayel has a way about him, with you and only you, that makes you especially weak to his advances.
Whatever those advances are, however taxing on you they may be—there’s so rarely a time where you can tell him no. He likes having that much influence over you, no matter what his particular mood is. If he’s feeling the desire to keep you under his thumb or be at your mercy. Whats central to him in each instance is that he has the full breadth of your attention, your desire, and most importantly—your lacking will to resist.
You like it all because you like Rafayel. Like how it feels trying to hold onto him as he slips between your fingers.
If someone asked you what you like most, though - it’d be this.
Not quite at your mercy but expectant of your devotion. Crystalline eyes and long, straight lashes blinking up at you with unwitting demand, crowding around you mercilessly. A gaze that weakens you, disarms you, demands your propriety.
“What are you thinking about?”
His words come out more annoyed than he wants them to. Your eyes come back into focus to Rafayel on top of you, in your lap as you lean against the headboard. His weight settled like he’s something that fits there perfectly and he does. Your hand reaches for his lower back, eyes tracing down the damp skin. Button shirt opened just loose enough to catch glimpse of his collarbones, with only boxers underneath. Your hands run down his sides, smooth down his bare thighs - mesmerized by cream colored skin that begs for blemishes.
His expression bewitches you even when your mind had prepared you for it. You smile almost lazily, drawing him just a little closer to you until your noses touch. “Of you.”
He scoffs at you. “Is that so? Not that you have no reason to think about your perfect, darling lover—it’s just that it seems like he’s the last thing on your mind these days, so you know,-“
You kiss him. It’s only partially to shut him up. It’s mostly because him talking makes you look at the shape of his mouth, the curve of his lips—the way he’s pouting at you. It’s almost too much. You part after a minute, careful not to deepen the kiss.
He has something to say after the fact, dazed - hands on your shoulders trying to give himself the room to speak before you kiss him again.
But you don’t relent. You kiss him harder, a hand around the back of his neck - slipping your tongue against his lips in the way you like. He doesn’t concede. You’re not really expecting him to. He kisses back even harder like he’s trying to prove a point - teeth digging into your lower lip. A little too sharp for human, but perfect for him.
You pull away breathless. A hand still on the nape of his neck, sliding around enough to feel his pulse under your thumb. Thump, thump, thump—rabbit quick. You smile at him suggestively, proving him displeased.
“Don’t interrupt me. Trying to kiss me when I’m airing out my complaints is unprofessional and rude, I’ll have you know.”
“I’m sorry,” Your lips brush his jawbone. “It’s hard to think about talking when you’re half-naked on top of me.”
“You can be so vulgar. It’s shocking. You’re usually all serious and about work and then sometimes you look like a dog waiting to be told it can have the treat on it’s nose,” Rafayel says airily. Fake haughty, voice colored with coyness. You look up at him. “Does it really count as making it up to me if all you’re doing is lusting after me?”
You don’t deny him at face value. “You set the standard. You tell me. Do you feel like I’m still making it up to you or should I work a little harder?”
There’s something between you. A spark of electricity that fizzles and pops, tension deepening. Rafayel likes playing tug of war with you. Even though he’s expecting to be pampered - there’s nothing easy about letting him. But it works when you keep yourself even. Eager. Having your desire and lust for him out in the open gives him the power again and he likes that, even when it’s mostly pretend.
“Work harder. You have to earn your paycheck Miss Bodyguard.” He says. You laugh a little, sitting up a little straighter.
“Yes boss,” You reply. You lean forward, pulling his weight down as your hands slide underneath the loose, flowy button up. Your hands find his waist, holding his sides before gliding them up on the planes of his back. He’s got lean muscle, a swimmers build that feels tight to the touch.
You kiss him on the lips again, tongue sweeping against his lower lip. Rafayel playfully rejects it when you do. You pull away one hand to cup the back of his neck and force the kiss deeper, tongue pressing the closed seam of his lips until he yield and lets you. He melts at the gesture rather unwittingly, the softest little whimper sounding as you feel your tongues touch. It’s a wet, hot kiss. Mouth sticky with spit and saliva.
“I’m working hard so you shouldn’t be too hard on me,” You say playfully. Rafayel rolls his hips, makes a noise for you as he huffs. “I want to make you feel good.”
“You’re—“
You interrupt him again. Not with a kiss on his mouth this time, but a chaste one to the very corner of of it - trailing down the soft curve of his jawline. You make the pressure on his neck featherlight. Thin skin prone to being sensitive, he melts at the soft touch. Cranes his neck up subconsciously to give you access to it. In the spirit of pampering him, you bite at the skin with a genuine hunger. Marking each bruise with a kiss first, you sink your teeth into him without remorse. Incisors scraping the delicate area before you suck hard, broken capillaries throbbing underneath your tongue when you lick them after the fact.
Deep, deep shades of red and purple bloom all over the column of his throat. It doesn’t feel like enough to you still.
“My neck hurts from all your biting.” His voice comes out in wet pants, betraying the sentiment. You laugh warmly at his attempt to diverge.
“Does it? Should I be gentler, then?” You offer. After you feel like you’ve marked his neck enough, you press another feather-light kiss right where his adams apple sits. Another on his clavicle. When it gets to his collarbone - you don’t do anything more than brush your lips.
Rafayel whines. It’s a throaty sound that makes your whole body break out into a shiver. Such a pleasant sound on the ears that your mind pictures instantly what other sounds he might make if you just had your way with him. It uncovers a selfish part of you. You could flip him over on your bed and take him if you wanted. Fuck him until he sings as punishment maybe for being tempting like a siren drawing a lone sailor into deep waters.
You keep the thoughts to yourself, and keep your composure. You ask again instead. “Come on. Tell me. Do you want me to touch you more gently?”
He fusses in your lap. You grin. “What’s the point in being gentle now if you’re being so rough to begin with? The change would be just weird, you know.”
“I guess it would,” You let yourself lick the same places you just kissed. You bite then hard enough to leave a mark and Rafayel arches himself into it. “It’s better like this then, right? If I leave marks all over you, then maybe you’ll feel less lonely when I get busy again.”
“I should get to leave them on you too. Your memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. A physical reminder might do you some good, yes.”
His voice is trembling, despite himself. You pull away to look up at him, and catch sight of a fragility you sometimes forget he’s capable of. Brows drawn into a furrow, lips pulled into a pout. Like a wound reopened inside of him that he’s so desperate to cauterize but can’t. You want to kiss the lines between his brows and get on your knees for it. A proof of your affection.
“I’m sorry for being careless,” You say, sincere. Rafayel looks ready to quiet you, concerned about the mood but you proceed anyhow. You lift his shirt up and hold it to his mouth, and he bites without your instruction. Bare chest exposed to him, you flit your gaze to his face. “I can’t do anything but try to beg your forgiveness. Still,”
You kiss his sternum, your hands on his waist. You fingers trail down his sides, hands sliding back up to chest. His nipples are hard, damp skin cool to the touch. Your warm him with your fingers, rolling over the sensitive tips. Rafayel makes a muffled noise, his cock twitching responsively.
“All I ever really think about is you,” You say. Rafayel gives you a long, unreadable look as you toy with his chest. “I’m not the type to half-ass things so my thoughts always revolve around you. Finishing work to come home to you. If you’ve eaten or if you locked yourself in the studio to paint all day. If we should go somewhere together on my day off.”
You lean forward and stick your tongue out, taking his nipples into your mouth. You roll the other one with your hand to increase the pleasure - content as you watch his face begin to flush. He watches you so closely, the tips of his ears burning a bright red. You suck hard, wetting them with saliva before you take them gently between your teeth and tugging.
“I’m not good at balancing work with play. I’m also not very friendly so you’re the only person I’ve ever spent so much time dating” You hum, nuzzling his skin. “I’m sure down the line it’ll be harder. But, if it helps, it’s true that my heads always filled with you.”
Your hands grip his waist, pushing his hips forward slightly as you suck and bite his chest again. A line of saliva connects you both as you pull away - teethmark indentations in their place.
“I want to make you feel good,” You maneuver Rafayel until he’s underneath you. His expression reads as overwhelmed but the faint blush blooming all over his skin and the hazy look in his eyes makes you confident he’s feeling more than just uncertainty. More like restlessness. A desire to be touched as he lays on his back with you looming over him. “And to touch you everywhere.”
You lean into him, trailing kisses down the his chest. You can feel his pulse quicken again as you touch him, spreading his legs as you put your thumb inside the waistband of his boxers.
Like this, he looks especially enchanting. The sleeves of his shirt pulled over his palms, button-up bunched up underneath his chin, and tight gray boxer briefs snug around his hips. Your bedroom, dimly lit, casting shadow on the sinewy muscle. His chest heaves with anticipation, stomach tense as your lips trace a path down from chest to navel. Excitement wracks through his body.
You put a hand on his stomach and look up at him. “I want to leave my mark on all of it. I want your body to remember I felt this deep inside of you and shiver. You’ll be able to think of me half as much as I think of you.”
Rafayel heaves, eyes glossed over. “Shit, you’re so unfair. It’s like you have two personalities or something. Are you tricking me? Is it actually you in there?”
You smile a little, pleased by his reply.
You follow your instinct, sliding his boxers off and tossing them somewhere. Rafayel is hard. So hard it looks like it hurts. The tip of his cock is ruddy, wet with pre-cum and swollen. His dick is long. Stands up with a straight curve. You breathe on it, making Rafayel flinch with anticipation. Your eyes flicker up to his face, terrible pout betraying his feigned moodiness..
“Don’t tease me,” He voices. Arousal strikes through you like hot iron at the whine of his voice. Almost pitiful.
“Not today,” You promise.
You making yourself comfortable between Rafayel’s legs, sticking your tongue out to taste him. He smells like soap and skin, but the scent is still so arousing. Your head is heavy with it, senses suffocating, hands stabilizing themselves by grabbing hold of his thighs. Rafayel looks near overwhelmed from even the slightest touch. It’s uncharacteristic for him to be so quiet. Almost meek. He must be aching for you more than he lets on.
You let his cock rest against your face, nuzzling it with your cheek. His cock responds sweetly to the lewd act. He lets out a sigh about, subtly trying to shimmy away from the touch. Unable to win against your grip, he sinks back into the bed and takes a long breath.
“Keep your eyes on me,”
In the business of spoiling him, you leave your teasing to a minimum. You gather spit in your mouth and spit it onto his cock with force - relishing the his breath hitches. How his eyes widen just slightly. You stroke his shaft with a tight grip, bringing your head down suck lightly below the shaft of his cock. His head falls back again, mouth open in a silent plea.
Rafayel keens for you when you work him with the warm, wet cavern of your mouth. You use your hands to fondle him while you shift your attention to his length. Your lips placing hot kisses up until they stop at the slit - tongue dipping into and tasting precum. Salty and warm. You wet your lips again and brush them against his cock - watching the way his expression shifts at the sensation, lightly sucking as you build yourself up having him in your mouth.
He pitches his hips with desperation that spurs you to give him more pleasure. You open wide to take his cock into your mouth. The weight of it feels good. Arousal clouds your mind as you hollows your cheeks and stick your tongue out over your lip. He’s throbbing so hard it makes you lightheaded.
A minute passes as you just hold him in your mouth, getting your jaw used to the sensation before you put in work in making him feel good. Like steel over your velvet, you use your tongue to lap at the sensitive skin while spitting and drooling. You’re making a mess. The room echoes with the filthy noise of you swallowing and choking on Rafayel’s cock.
“Oh, fuck.”
Your eyes flicker up to Rafayel, trying not to crack a smile at the state of disarray he’s in. His expression is so twisted from pleasure. All of his features reflective of it. His blush seems to creep down even further the longer you go. Your body gradually heats up, core throbbing as you take him down. Take him slowly into the narrow canal of your throat, eyes watering.
You ease yourself down the very base - nose pressed against his navel, tongue over your lip. Rafayel’s fingers curl into the sheets underneath you trying not to buck his hips.
“Get off of me, I’ll cum.” He says, almost panicked. “Your throat feels so good. Y-your mouth is so hot and it’s making me feel so good, can’t—I can’t. You gotta get off or—”
His words of protest fall on deaf ears as you spread his legs even further. Wanting to make him feel better, you part them.
You’re greeted by pretty pink hole - already wet for you. A stream of spit follows as you pull off him.
Rafayel heaves in relief.
“You got yourself ready,” You say, less than ask. Rafayel rolls his eyes.
“So what if I did?”
“I wanted to do it for you.” You reply, pretending to sulk. “Told you I wanted to spoil you.”
He blushes further. “Don’t you have any sensibility? You’re doing more than enough. Being excessive, even.”
“I don’t believe in being excessive when it comes to you,” You hum. Sitting up, you reach over the bedside table for a bottle of lube. You pour it in excess on your two fingers before coming back down between his legs. The bed creaks under your weight.
Lube drips from your two fingers onto Rafayel’s hole, thick as you push the excess with two fingers. Both go in so smoothly it makes you smirk. He’s soft inside. It’s so easy for you to put both fingers inside of him, even easier to find his prostate - swollen from arousal. He must’ve fucked himself open like this on three fingers given how easily yours follow.
“It’s so wet inside. You must’ve really wanted me to fuck you.”
“So what if I—aah—did?”
“Well, I wanted to take you apart nice and slow.” You say, slowly rubbing your fingers against his prostate, pleased by the little oh noises he makes when you. Cum spills from the tip immediately. He’s so sensitive. You divulge your plans to him as you stretch him. “First with my mouth once or twice. I was going to save fucking you for the end but—“ You push your fingers deeper. To the knuckle. His eyes shoot wide open before his voice breaks into a moan. “Since I’m making it up to you you, I was wondering if I should just cut the chase and make you cum on my cock over and over and over. Maybe you’d prefer that.”
Rafayel’s eyes go wide. You feel a sense of accomplishment knowing without him telling you. He clears his throat, strangely sheepish.
“It’s not like the other stuff feels bad or anything—“
You make eye contact with him, sitting up on your knees. Your other hand cups the back of his neck as you press a third finger inside - fucking it in slowly. Rafayel moans unabashedly as you do. His skin is feverish as you press your forehead to his, noses brushing. The wet sound of you stretching him open makes you dizzy, shared breaths between you filling worsening your appetite for him.
“It’s not what you want though, is it? Not today anyway.” You say, leaning close enough to kiss. You don’t follow through, your voice low on a whisper. “Tell me how you were picturing me fucking you in the shower. I’ll give you whatever you want today,”
Rafayel seems to let go of the last threads of fight in him as you approach like this. You’re in the thick of your wanting for him. Your body and your mind hunger to make it feel so good it looks like carnage to everyone else. To be pleasured so ruthlessly he can barely move
He’s rarely too shy but right now he’s in the depths of his desires. He moans sweetly like this. It’s not a sound you can coax out of him easily. It sounds so perfect still. Mouth fallen open, his hands finding purchase in the back of your shirt.
“Want you to fuck me deeply,” He pants, like it’s straining to even thinking about it. “N-not too fast, but not too slow either. Want you, hngh,” Shivering, he tries to speak coherently as your eyes meet - lips barely touching but almost. “To p-praise me and—“
You grin. “You want to pampered while I fuck this pretty little hole, right?”
You push your fingers in harder. He whimpers. It’s loud and broken and makes grip on you tighter. He just nods. “Please. Fuck, please - need it now. In me, please.”
It’s exactly the words you’re interested in hearing. You kiss him on the lips deeply. He sinks completely into the touch, malleable under your fingertips.
“Shh, I know.” You hum, soothingly. Rafayel whines from the loss of contact as you pull your hand away.“You earned it. Just a little more.”
You stand up again on your knee, stripping yourself of the remaining garments left on your body from the work day. You unhook your bra and take it off along with your tank top in one go, tossing it somewhere on the floor.
Next come your slacks, tight from the way you’ve tucked silicone cock up against your stomach to be ready to fuck. You put it on earlier while he bathed - tucking it in your pants to keep it out of the way. Seeing you unzip your work slacks and have a heavy silicone cock fall from them evokes a reaction in Rafayel that endears you endlessly. A bitten lip while a shiver wracks through him.
Deciding your pants will get in the way, you make quick work of wriggling out of them completely before returning between Rafayel’s legs. You spit in your hand and stroke yourself with it, wetting your cock before letting it rest against Rafayel’s own.
“How do you want it?” You ask.
“Like this,” He says, unmoving. He seems certain on that end but he’s hesitating. “But I want you to…”
He looks away. You try not to grin but fail.
“You were being so bold a second ago,”
He rolls his eyes. “Well a second ago someone was trying to rearrange my insides so I didn’t have to think very hard,”
“So, should I do it again, then? I think we’ll get better results that way.”
“You’re so noisy. I don’t pay you for this,” He pauses. “I want you to hug me while we… like be close to me.”
You pause before smiling gently. You’re so charmed by the innocence of it. It’s so unlike him. Being away from you must’ve bothered him more than he cared to admit. Softening, instantly - you lean forward and press your lips to his forehead.
“Sure. Anything else?”
“Ugh. Not for now. But it’s annoying. I should be running you into the ground by now but here you are,”
“Making good on my promise?,” You finish. Rafayel doesn’t refute you. You kiss his shoulder blade. “Anything you want today. I’m yours.”
“Say it again,”
“All yours.”
He wraps his arms around your neck and pulls you down. “…Hurry up and fuck me then.”
Complying with his wishes, you sit back on your knees as you line your cock up with Rafayel’s entrance and push. He gasps as you slide the fat head of your cock in, a wicked smile on your face as you watch his hole stretch out and around you. Three fingers is more than enough prep. It makes filling him so easy.
Still, the stretch - the feeling of being full is nothing like just fingers. You watch as Rafayel’s body adjusts to it. Inch by inch, you rock your hips forward gently until he’s swallowed your cock up half-way. He’s trembling as you lean forward. Waiting for you to bottom out before he pulls you forward for as much skin to skin as he can have. Your chest squishes against him.
When his hips roll for you to go deeper, you take it as a sign. With all of your strength, you hold onto his waist bury yourself inside of him in another single thrust. His nails dig into your shoulder, his voice next to your ear as you. Tightening his grip, he cries out at the sudden movement
You can feel him shake underneath you, cock clenching hard while you hold him.
“Fuuck,” He goes stone stiff underneath you before starting to tremor more violently. “Fuck, oh fuck.”
Realization dawns on you a few seconds later. “Did—did you cum just from putting it in?”
He opens his eyes and frowns at you.
“Shut up. I didn’t get to cum earlier.”
You laugh. “You’ll kill me being this cute. I don’t know what to do.”
“I could give you an idea if you’re going to just sit there,”
His impatience amuses you.
“Sorry. I’ve got you. Cum as much as you want.”
You anchor yourself, pulling out slowly and internally groaning at the resistance as you do. How his hole grips onto you so tight it feels nearly hard to move despite know how stretched he is. A phantom sensation fills your waist as you feel his stomach shift as you thrust.
Heeding earlier requests, you use your hips to set a pace to fuck Rafayel the way he wants. The ins and outs of his body come naturally to you now. Finding the right pace, the right motion, the right angle - all come easier to you than you even remember. On muscle memory, you hike Rafayel’s legs up and begin to fuck him deep. Not too fast, not too slow - but consistent in grinding against that sweet spot. Deliberately thrusting your hips up, you try to direct all the remaining focus into fucking him as good as you can.
You know you’ve hit the right places when his grip on you gets tighter. His legs locked around your back, Rafayel is a mess underneath you even when you’ve barely begun. Like he can’t stop cumming, his body helplessly wound as your hips clap his ass.
The moans that come out of him, broken and sweet. More angelic then pornographic but lewd enough to make you dizzy with the urge to pin him up and fuck him harder. Groaning when you fuck him just right. You can feel his cock against your stomach with how close your bodies are as you grind - twitching. Pre-cum leaking in long spurts and wetting your skin.
You coo at him feeling it start to be easier to fuck him.
“It’s just like a pussy, huh? You take me so good inside of you. It feels like you were made for it,” You press kisses wherever your lips can find the skin. On his face, his mouth, on his shoulders. You can barely make sense of your own filth, your mind moving on it’s own as your body chases its own arousal. Your clit is grinding against the base of your strap-on so well like this, you could easily chase the high and find your own orgasm with seconds. You’re too busy paying attention to make well on it. “I like when you act cute like this. Usually you’d put up a fight about it but you’re asking without fuss. It’s precious seeing you fall apart on my cock.”
He moans your name like an incantation, another dribble of cum spilling. He can’t stop cumming. Just shuddering beneath you, his face in your shoulder and panting like he can’t find the words.
“All mine, yeah? Everything, all of you. It’s all mine to tend to, so you can be as selfish as you want.” You hum, encouraged by the whimpering repetition of please in his voice. He’s being so pliant, so good. You can’t help yourself. “Take when you need. Cum when it feels good for you. I want you to feel good. Want to make you feel so good you can’t stand it. Think you can do that? Come on,”
Rafayel moans brokenly into your neck. “I’m g-gonna cum so hard, fuck—feels like I can’t stop, please don’t stop, fuck me,”
“Shh it’s okay. I wont stop until you tell me.” You tuck yourself against his neck, kissing it before biting his ear lobe. He gasps. “Don’t think about anything other than cumming for me.”
“Fuck,” His nails dig into your biceps, coiling you around as you get close. “Fuck me. P-please—I’m cumming, I’m cu -“
Rafayels whole body stiffens under the weight of your body. You fuck him steady, pinning him down as he cums. His cock pushes hard against your stomach, twitching helplessly as his cum spills in streams. His back curls up, gripping onto you tightly as he moans loud and unabashed, euphoria splintering through his muscles. You fuck him through it until he rides out his high - his body loosening up as soon as it passes.
The sound of cum unsticking from your skin as you part from Rafayel makes you grin. You pull back out of slowly and get on your knees. You use your hand to wipe the cum off of your stomach and smear it against Rafayel’s hole.
“You made a mess,” You say brightly. Rafayel pants, looking up at you. Before you can ask, his voice trembles. He weakly reaches for your hand.
“Let me make you finish,” He says, abrupt. You blink at him owlishly. “Please.”
“Isn’t this about you?”
He frowns, looking at you seriously.
“It is. And I’m telling you I want you sit on my face and cum on it. Please.”
You give him a look before breaking out into a laugh. You stand onto your knees and undo the buckles of your harness - shimmying out of them. “I can’t refuse you if you ask like that but I don’t think it’ll be long.”
“It’ll just be once for now,”
“For now?”
He nods matter-of-factly. “You still owe me after the crimes of neglect you’ve committed against me.”
“Right.”
“And I’ve decided I want to exercise my rights to eat pussy until sunrise.”
“I see,” You say bemused. “And this is… revenge I take it? And not perhaps, an act of goodwill towards me.”
“I have no reason to show you good will, do I?”
You break out into more laughter.
“Right. We’ll be even after today then, at least.”
“Hurry,” Rafayel says again, after settling it. Same puppy dog look in his eyes as before, back in instant. You can’t help but be charmed by how quickly he reverts back into desiring your attention.
Rafayel lays down as you take your strap-on off and crawl over towards him. Deciding you’re not done with him for the day - you stand on your knees just over his chest and spread your pussy apart for him to see. He’s not expecting it, evidenced by the way his eyes go wide at the sight.
“Even without cumming, making you feel good turned me on this much. Is that what you were hoping to know?”
Rafayel goes flush again. “I never said that.”
“So difficult,” You hum. “Come on. Can I sit?”
Rafayel barely masks his enthusiasm as he nods. You crawl over him further before carefully setting yourself above his face. You try to avoid letting the full weight rest on him, but Rafayels hands are on you in an instant. With the same desperate grip he had while you were fucking him, he pulls your thighs down until your pussy is in his mouth - tongue out and lapping up wetness instantly. You shiver at the desperate movement of his tongue.
It gets your body hot all over again. Your fingers thread through the purple strands of hair for anchor as you push yourself against his willing mouth like you’re fucking his face. Your own desires hadn’t crossed your mind until now, but now that you’re aware of it - that familiar restless lust returns to you tenfold You shiver as the familiar flames of arousal stoke back up inside of you.
Your gut honeyed, sticky lust making your limbs feel thick. You use your other hand to tweak your nipples as you rock your hips back and forth. Rafayel lies underneath you obediently, eagerly - his hands helping you move at the pace you want without complaint. He always manages to surprise you. His willingness to give to you making you feel weak in the knees.
Already so worked up, it takes you hardly any time to reach your climax. You feel it in your waist, body going slack as the knot inside of your stomach uncoils. You let out a short cry, hands tightening in Rafayel’s hair as you cum all over his face - swearing as you do. You feel Rafayel moan against you, reverberating through you as you ride out your high and finish.
You pull away from his sated, pulling back to see him wiping his chin before licking his fingers. The look in his eyes sends an amused sort of arousal through you.
“You look like you’re going to eat me.” You say. Rafayel nods.
“I mean… I’m certainly trying.”
You laugh tiredly, swiping your thumb against his cheek with a smile.
“After we clean up and have dinner,” You say. “I have some mandatory time off so I won’t be called in.”
“I won’t let you sleep,” He says, clingy again - face pressed against your thigh. You grin. His many moods make you so weak to him.
You bend down to kiss his forehead.
“I wasn’t planning on it.”
✮ a/n ; rafayel fans . let me know if this was okay im lacking confidence but i had writing him. i want to keep like a spoiled housecat maybe.
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From Under The Desk
JaycexFem!Reader
Modern College AU
You have a paper due at midnight. A very important one. You absolutely CANNOT afford to be distracted.
Jayce distracts you.
Warnings: 18+ (this is basically just smut without plot tbh.) Reader is AFAB. Oral sex, cunnilingus, descriptions of genitalia. Small age gap? Like, only a year or two. Does that count? Idk let me know if i missed something <3
You scrubbed a hand across your face, exhaustion tugging at your eyes. It wasn't actually that late- it was only about seven pm. But, you'd stayed up all of last night writing this damned paper, only to go and spend a full day in class afterwards. And now here you were, hunched over your desk like a vulture pecking at your keyboard.
Getting the words down was the easy part. It was making them make sense that made your brain hurt. The amount of words you'd back-spaced over was probably comparable to the ones you'd actually kept.
You took a swig of your energy drink, wincing as the carbonation hit the back of your throat. You don't know why you bothered honestly; it wasn't doing anything for you at this point.
It was then that you heard the lock on the front door click, and the telltale shuffling sounds of someone entering your tiny apartment.
"I'm home!"
You heard Jayce's muffled voice through your bedroom door, but you made no effort to tear your attention away from your computer screen.
"Hon?" You heard him call again, "You home?"
More shuffling. Then, he knocked softly on the door before opening it. "Hon?" He repeated.
"Hey," you said automatically, fingers still flying across your keyboard.
"Hey, you." You could hear the smile in his voice, and it made your stomach flutter a little. "I picked up some takeout for dinner- I even got those little crab rangoons you love."
In your head, you meant to say something like, 'Wow! Thank you, my love. Im so excited to eat my favorite food with you!' But you didn't, leaving only an awkward pause in the back and forth you could barely call a conversation. You scrolled back to the top of your paper to re-read it, skimming for mistakes. Ah- there's a typo here. It should be "perceived", not-
"Hey, are you okay? Did you hear me?"
"What?" You bristled a little bit, annoyed to have been interrupted. You finally turned around to acknowledge him, trying to hide your chagrin. "Oh...sorry. Um, thank you. That was thoughtful."
It had taken a moment to force your eyes to focus on him, after staring at a bright screen for so long. When they did, you found he looked significantly more chipper than you felt. That made sense, you supposed. He had been freed from the confines of student life already, no longer bogged down by trivial things like homework and exams. Lucky bastard.
His eyes grazed across your face, then the rest of your body- and stopped when he found something interesting.
"You're wearing my hoodie,". He said. Irritation clawed at your stomach, and you swallowed the 'so what?' rising in your throat. You really just wanted to get back to work.
"It's comfy," you said instead, shrugging. "Sorry. I hoped you wouldn't mind. Do you want it back?" He shook his head, starting towards you.
"No, it looks good on you. Keep it on." He leaned down to peck you on the cheek, and you smiled tiredly at him. His hair was slightly tousled from a long day at work, and his chiseled cheekbones were smeared with grease. His cologne was mixed with the smell of coal and something vaguely chemical. Truthfully, what you really wanted was to yank off the hoodie, and his clothes too, and pull him into the shower with you- but there was no time for that now. You swiveled your chair around again, going back to your work.
"Im sorry," you said, "This paper is due in a couple of hours and I need to get it done. You should go ahead and eat if you're hungry. You don't have to wait. And please take a shower."
"What?" He teased, "You don't like the smell of hydraulic fluid?" He wrapped his arms around you and dropped his chin on top of your head. You found it difficult to keep yourself upright under his immense weight.
"No, I don't," you huffed. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but I need to focus on this. But once I'm done, I'm yours for the rest of the night, okay?"
The weight was lifted as he moved away from you, chuckling. "Alright, Alright. I'll leave you to it. God, it's kinda hot when you're mean to me. Maybe you should do that more often."
You swatted his arm, staring incredulously, and he ducked away as he laughed again. "I'm not being mean to you. I thought I was being pretty polite all things considered."
"You are mean to me," he whined. "You wont even let me give you my love and attentioonnn." He gave you fake puppy dog eyes, and you snatched a pencil off your desk, holding it up like you were going to chuck it at him.
"Get out," you warned. He held up his hands in surrender and backed out the door, eyes full of mirth.
"I bet you'd be nicer to me if you ate something."
You threw the pencil as hard as you could, but he shut the door before it reached him, and it bounced off the wood instead. You heard him cackling on the other side, before you heard his heavy footsteps move away.
You huffed, running your fingers through your hair. It was greasy, and in need of a good combing-through. You hadn't really had time for a shower yourself; but it could wait a little longer. You went back to your pecking.
Too soon, you heard the bedroom door open again. "Back already?" You asked mechanically.
"Already?" He repeated. "It's been like an hour." You glanced at the clock on the bottom corner of your screen. He was right. You'd been so focused that you didn't realize how long it had been.
"Whoops." You still didn't cease your typing.
You felt his weight upon you the same as before, forcing a wheeze from your lungs. "Why are you so heavy?" You huffed.
He chuckled, and you felt the vibrations against your back. The two of you stayed there like that for a moment, and you rubbed your eyes again. His warmth was comforting, and dangerously cozy. You were going to fall asleep at this rate. You shrugged, trying to get him to move off of you- but he didn't budge. Instead, he pressed his face into your neck, and his hair tickled your cheek. It was still damp, and you could smell his shampoo- like mint, and something darker, more earthy. You tilted your head to kiss the top of his own, breathing in the scent; but never taking your eyes away from your computer.
"Your food's getting cold, love." His breath tickled your skin, giving you butterflies again. "You should come eat something. You'll feel better."
"Can't," you muttered. Even if you wanted to, the caffeine you'd been chugging all day dampened your appetite, despite your empty stomach. He was probably right, but if you stopped now, you might not be able to start again. You had to capitalize on your focus; you couldn't afford to lose it.
Jayce brushed his lips against your jaw, pressing little kisses into the bone, and down your neck. He trailed a hand down your arm, the one opposite to him, and slipped it across your thigh, into the space between your legs-
'What do you think you're doing?" He stood up straight, taking his hand back. You glared at him, half annoyed, and half aroused. It was only now that you realized he wasn't wearing a shirt- just a pair of sweatpants that accentuated his girth in just the right way. You could see every muscle he worked so hard to build on full display, and your breath hitched. His tanned skin was just as damp as his hair, still shining with water. You wondered if he'd even bothered to dry off when he got out of the shower.
"I'm sorry. I can stop if you really want me to," he said gently. He looked down at you with something on his face you couldn't quite read. He wasn't frowning, nor smiling. His eyebrows were quirked upward just slightly, eyes half lidded. His expression was somewhere between lust and fatigue, you decided. Maybe he'd had a long day, too.
You blinked, trying to keep your eyes open. Maybe you didn't want him to stop- but you had to get this done if you had any hope of graduating next semester. You couldn't afford to fail this class. You looked away from him, feeling torn. In the corner of your eye, you watched him kneel beside you, and felt the weight of his head in your lap. He slid his hands around your waist, one of them between you and the back of your chair, and the other across your lap.
"You don't have to stop," you said quietly. "But I can't, either. This is important."
"Is that what you want though? For me to keep going, I mean?"
You nodded, swallowing thickly. "I do. I just need you to understand that I'm not ignoring you to be mean; I don't want to hurt your feelings because I'm not being an active participant."
He lifted his head, shifting himself between your legs. He had to duck and curl himself up awkwardly to fit himself underneath your desk- it was kind of cute, actually, watching him trying to fit his giant shoulders and long legs into such a tight space.
"I don't think that at all," he said when he was finally comfortable. "I know this it's important to you." He slid his hands up your thighs, letting one of his thumbs land on the spot where he knew your clit to be. He stroked it gently through the fabric of your pants, and you bit your lip to stop the gasp trapped in your throat. His other hand grasped your hip, massaging the soft malleable flesh of your curves with his thumb. He rested his cheek on your knee, looking up at you lovingly.
"You just seem so stressed," he said. "I wanna help you relax." He punctuated his words by swiveling his hand around, sliding his fingers under the curve of your pelvis. Well, 'relaxed' isn't the word you would use to describe yourself right now. A coil had wound itself inside your stomach, and your legs were tense with anticipation. In his hands, you were putty. You couldn't think straight anymore. You tried to focus, tried to keep your eyes on the prize. You were almost done here. Just a couple more paragraphs to go, and then you could-
"Oh-" you gasped involuntarily, something girlish and high pitched. Your face burned with embarrassment- you'd never made a noise like that before. But you couldn't help it- not with the way he was sliding his fingers into you now. You hadn't even realized he had managed to tug your pants down enough to expose you to him.
His other hand, previously on your hip, had slid up your sweater. It was on the small of your back now, pressing you forward. He drew his fingers out of you, slowly, and you bucked your hip forwards with a groan. He was moving so, so slowly. He was being so gentle and sweet, you thought your teeth were going to rot and fall out of your skull. He leaned forward, kissing your stomach, moving down to the side- to your hip, in the crease of your skin where your pelvis met your thigh. You shivered; his lips brushed you so lightly it tickled a bit. Your fingertips buzzed with electricity as you tried to keep typing. But then you felt his tongue sliding between your folds and you couldn't do it anymore.
You let your eyes flutter shut, letting him finally overtake your thoughts completely. You buried your face in your hands, trying to control your ragged breathing as he moved his tongue up, and down, slowly, gently. He pushed his tongue inside of you, lapping at you like he hadn't had a drop to drink in days. You whined, sliding a hand under the desk to grab his hair, to bring him closer to you. You could hear him panting, feel his breath against your pubic mound. His movements grew more desperate at your touch, ever eager to please.
You laid your other arm on the table, resting your head on it like a pillow. You really couldn't stop the sounds escaping from you now. Every gasp, moan, and whimper from you only seemed to further spur him, urging him to move faster. He alternated between fucking you with his tongue, reaching as far inside of you as he could manage, and moving back up to lick tiny circles around your clit.
You moved your hips with his rhythm, desperate for more friction as you felt yourself growing closer and closer to the edge. "Jayce," you whispered shakily, "I-I'm really- mmmfh- close-"
He didn't let up even a little bit, even when you leaned back, pushing his head against you so hard you were worried he'd suffocate. You were almost blinded by pleasure, the coil winding itself tighter and tighter- until it finally snapped.
You cried out his name like a prayer, over and over again as you shook. You clamped your thighs around his ears, wrapping your legs together over his shoulders. You tugged on his hair like it was a lifeline, feeling every crashing tidal wave of your orgasm in full force as your back arched away from your chair. You practically sobbed, your eyes watering. You couldn't help it. It was so good.
He finally stopped when he sensed you'd had enough, slumping in your chair like a rag doll as exhaustion racked your brain through the afterglow. He pulled back, his face shiny with spit and slick. You smiled at him, before letting your head flop back as you closed your eyes.
'That was hot," he whispered. You snorted, not opening your eyes. You felt his fingers brush your skin as he pulled your pants back up, and shivered slightly when the cold wet fabric of your underwear met your overly-sensitive groin. You pressed your toes against the floor to push your chair from under the table so he'd have room to get out.
"That didn't take very long, either" he teased. "You must have been pretty pent up." You heard shuffling as he stood, and you finally opened your eyes when you felt his lips brush against your forehead. You flicked his shoulder.
"You're just good at what you do."
He smiled, his eyes flickering across your face. You reached up to rub your thumb across his chin, trying to wipe off some of the remaining fluids. He grabbed your wrist and pressed a kiss into your palm before you could withdraw it, never taking his eyes off of you.
"Come eat something, please," he whispered. You sighed and glanced at the clock again, considering it- it was almost 9:15. There was still time.
"Alright, alright," you resigned. "Give me five minutes, and I'll be right there."
Jayce made a face you couldn't discern, and let go of your hand. "Okay," he said, and stepped out of the room.
He came back ten minutes later to find you still at your computer. "I couldn't wait any longer," he said- making you jump.
"Augh, I'm sorry, Jayce," you said- and you meant it.
"It's okay," he shrugged, "I had a feeling this might happen. You get so sucked in sometimes. It's endearing, actually."
He set two styrofoam boxes next to you, and opened another for himself. "I thought I would just bring dinner in here. Maybe I could help you edit? Make things go a little faster so we can get you in the shower?" He smirked, sitting on the edge of the bed. It was lodged into the corner of the room, with the desk beside it like an oversized nightstand. There'd be no room to move about, otherwise.
You cracked open the first box, choosing to ignore his quip, and your mouth watered at the sight of your favorite food inside. Ugh, even cold it smelled amazing. You shoveled it into your face with the flimsy plastic fork, newfound hunger making itself evident. You looked to Jayce, intending to thank him for the meal; but you found he was looking at you expectantly.
'What?" You asked through a mouthful of food.
"Did you want my help?"
Oh.
You swallowed.
"Sorry. Um, yes. That might be nice honestly. I could use a break."
He set his food aside, chuckling. "The first one wasn't enough?" He teased. You scowled, only pretending to be upset.
"Whatever man. Switch me places." You stood up to give him your chair, and he complied- though he had to pull the lever under the seat to lower it, to make room for his mile-long legs.
"Alright, let's see, here..."He squinted as he read your work, and you took the opportunity to admire him. God, he really was incredibly handsome. His long, calloused fingers looked enormous over your keyboard compared to your own. His bulky shoulders hunched forward, pulling the skin of his back taught over his muscles. You bit your lip, feeling your arousal coming back through your fatigue. He glanced at you, and you blushed when you caught him staring; as if you hadn't been together long enough by now that this wasn't embarrassing. But he still never failed to give you the warm-and-fuzzies so to speak. He smiled, laughing through his nose.
"What're you looking at?"
You twirled your hair with exaggeration. "Oh, yknow. Just this cute guy I have a crush on, or whatever," you flirted. He rolled his eyes, still grinning to himself.
"Eat your food, dork." He looked back to the screen, and you did what you were told.
It didn't take long. You wolfed down your dinner so fast you even surprised yourself. You stood to collect your trash, and kissed the top of Jayce's head before heading to the kitchen to dispose of it properly. When you came back, he was already standing up to stretch.
"It looks good to me," he said- with his arms over his head, his obliques were in full view and it made you just about weak in the knees. "I think it's ready to submit, if you're happy with it."
You thought about re-reading it one more time- just to be sure- but your brain was so foggy with exhaustion (and maybe some arousal). You trusted Jayce's judgement, too. He'd graduated summa cum laude last year, after all. You were sure he knew what he was talking about.
"Thank you, love. I really appreciate your help." You patted his chest with a weary smile, and sat down to submit it. When you were finally able to click your laptop shut, you were just about to collapse. You looked over to find Jayce already waiting for you in bed, and he opened his arms for you.
"C'mere, you," he crooned softly. You complied, shutting off the table lamp before you crawled across the blankets to meet him. He pulled them over the two of you, pressing a gentle kiss on your forehead. You buried your face in his chest, breathing in the scent of mint and clean bedsheets. You suddenly felt self conscious, remembering you had forgotten to bathe.
You sat up. "I'm gonna take a shower real quick actually-" but he yanked you back down before you could move, burying his nose in your hair.
"Nooooo," he mumbled. "Stay with me."
"Jaaaayce," you whined, "I smell terrible. Wouldn't you rather I got cleaned up before bed?"
He didn't move, keeping you pinned between his arms. "Mmm, girl stink."
"You- what?" You sputtered, laughing at the absurdity. You tried to move, but he was already snoring softly. You couldn't tell if he was faking it or not, but you gave in anyway. You tangled your legs with his, letting his warmth overtake you and carry you to sleep at last.
#arcane#arcane fanfic#jayce talis#fanfiction#arcane jayce#jayce league of legends#jayce x reader#wattpad#writing#arcane smut#smut#Jayce wants to help#boy does he#this may or may not be based off my real life husband WHO SAID THAT
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maffhew who refuses to say runebergin torttu because he knows hes gonna butcher it so bad he might be kicked out of the country the second he tries and staunchly avoids that by going "the one dessert that barky is going to have to explain 😃"
sasha who gets faced with the most generic description of everything hes ever eaten in his life so far because of maffhew and going "???... oh you mean runebergin torttu!"
"he did good he liked the food and he likes the finland so far so its good" sasha says with so much pride now that all the anxiety has left his system that his husband teammate is enjoying his country and doesnt hate it
media availability | 10.29.24 (x)(x)
the smile of a man who knowlingly doomed his husband and said husband using all his brain power to context clues his way to whatever the fuck he just got asked that his brain is running hotter than a mid 2012 macbook air thats somehow still alive in the year of the lord 2024 but girl does she chug along shes louder than a fighter jet
#matthew tkachuk#aleksander barkov#florida panthers#2425#the famous vanha kauppahalli date™#we know how bad he is at pronouncing words not in english he does not want to fuck up his husbands language in front of him#(the nhl stars try to speak german video has entered the chat)#different attitudes here lmao#“he did good” mate he was... eating food... what... what is there to praise here..?#i shivered sweet mary and joseph sasha this is how you praise maffhew? yeah id be an annoying little shit about it too#whatever they have. unexplainable. i wont even bother#im glad to see pie and cake are still very confusing for esol#somehow ive had the conversation with several different people in my lifetime and realised even i dont know what the fuck it is#in the sense that when i translate pastries into english for my american friends i just pause and go#wait... i think this is a pie... but its called a tart in spanish but its also kind of a cake? and- [windows reboot sound]#ive had to do this with pastafrola and im like please just eat it dont make me explain im gonna cry if i do#I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS IN AN ENGLISH CONTEXT BECAUSE IT DOESNT EXIST IN AN ENGLISH CONTEXT TO ME JUST EAT IT#“so whats the difference between a torta and a tarta and isnt a tarta kinda like a pie-” “stop asking questions you dont want answers to”#you have no idea how upset i get trying to explain#im glad sasha at least protrays a little of that frustration by going “i dont know english word” girl SAME
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xmen media absolutely pavloving me to think any mention of magnetism will lead to magneto being involved so imagine my genuine shock when i was watching episode s2e12 of evolution and it was offhandedly mentioned the cage hank was being held in was magnetized yet magneto wasnt involved in the ep at all. like where did he go ... you've tricked me ....
#snap chats#chat can someone tell me why i bother trying to watch Anything during the daytime my family irritates me sm 😭#this why i stay up to 4AM for this ... but i cant do that cause i have SCHOOL TOMORROW#ew can this week be over already im already thinking about everything i have to do and i want to eat rocks#whatever this is xmen rambling time#its SO funny like as soon as them fucks say 'magnet' im already snapping my fingers like 'ok name drop him already lets go'#i hear 'magnet' and i feel my spine tingle like a fucked up magneto sense. like cmon i know he gonna be mentioned any second now#xmen forever ruining my ability to be normal about magnets. like magnets and magnetism were already sicko but ..
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I’m sorry but I don’t really understand what’s wrong with the Bendy books not being canon. I should put into account that I haven’t read any of them so maybe my opinion will change if I do end up giving them a read but let me get back to the main point. I’ve been in the FNaF community and let me tell you, they don’t take kindly to the TFTPP books. They constantly complain about what is canon or not and how it stinks that the books are now reliant to understand the lore when back then they were optional. If you ask me I think Paul and Mike dodged a bullet with this decision by just straight up telling the fans if the books are canon or not while Scott keeps it ambiguous. My final point is that there are other franchises that do this sorta thing, not just Bendy. Take for example, Sonic the Hedgehog. There’s a lot of spinoff tv shows and comics but most of them aren’t considered canon to the main games (Although I think Prime and IDW are canon though I’m not sure) so I don’t see why Bendy gets flack for doing the same thing while Sonic gets a pass.
What do you think?
I think you should read the other posts where I have literally explained this so many times instead of explaining to me stuff I already know. I am literally so sick of people like you expecting me to write a new response EVERYTIME you need it explained to you those situations are DIFFERENT. Here are the links, they are all in the Ramblez tag on my blog, it's not hard.
There. Go read my other posts I know you have nothing else to do but expect strangers to treat u like a baby and hold your hand through these topics but I am not being paid to be ur babysitter. Also if you can't even bother to read the books you think shouldn't be canon, you're not allowed to have an opinion on this. I'm literally gonna make a fucking banner at this rate just telling people to check my ramblez tag before asking me a question on a topic I've gone in depth on. If you still have questions that's fine but you're literally explaining to me shit I already know and being rude about it.
#ramblez#sorry but I am so sick of this#I have better things to do with my time then have to answer EVERY SINGLE ASK that comes to me explaining in a condescending tone#why someone doesn't like my opinion when they didn't even take 5 seconds to actually READ WHAT I SAID#if u can't be bothered to actually read my reasoning I'm not gonna write a special essay just for you!#I'm not a fucking essay writing robot guys at some point you gotta either word your questions in a polite and kind tone#or take the time to read through what I have ALREADY SAID ON THIS TOPIC BEFORE ASKING ME SOMETHING I HAVE#ALREADY ANSWEREDDDDDDDDDDD#also the sonic comics are literally canon you are literally just fucking wrong abt that lmao#sonic fans love idw being canon so Ig ur own point makes no fucking sense#but u still came to tell me it in a smug rude tone so thanks for that#im literally a fucking sonic fan and no prime isnt canon dumbass#I also used to be an extreme fnaf fan so yes I know this shit#dont come to lecture me when you are the idiot speaking confidently abt shit u dont know#literally fuck you I know ppl like u dont care but like Im a person#if ur gonna ask me a question on a topic Ive spoken abt several times#at least be polite abt it fucker
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Just so I stop bothering others cuz I’ve been super annoying the last few days- (It’s all fun and games but my shame kicks in and I have been trying to supress it), and also because I’m starting to get a little baffled about what I receive, I’m going to be a lot pickier about which asks I actually do respond to.
Unless they’re interesting, relevant (especially this), or seem fun I’m probably just gonna not.. Which almost feels counterintuitive to how I do things nowadays because I admittedly rely on being prompted by others a lot. Especially since trying to muster up the guts to post even the most asinine art I can think of feels like a shot in the dark. It feels almost like getting permission and having a safety net of sorts because I know beforehand that somebody wanted whatever it is I could offer. I don’t really feel useful or involved otherwise. But, I digress.
Don’t get me wrong I DO REALLY LOVE THE ENTHUSIASM, it makes me really happy to see 😳😭 and i’m flattered and super grateful. But, I’m really not like… some all-knowing person, and the more… esoteric the questions get, the less I have to say. If anything at all. There comes a point when I wonder how much is just a joke to gauge a reaction or something rather than genuine interest.
I could be reading too deeply though.
Yeah that’s it really.
#cozy texts#i also. this might sound weird.#but i also do have /some/ awareness that there are plenty others who WOULD want the#amount of interaction i have been getting the last couple days for their own work#so me even saying what i said might even look insulting.#or that i am being ungrateful#i swear i am#i really am.#and this isnt even a post where im saying ‘send less because im bothered now >:(‘ its not that.#im just going to be a little more selective now.#dw i am prepping gen stuff i know i keep saying that but im just a bad artist who isnt great at coming up with basic imagery to look at.#i cant name other artists off the top of my head at all. but they’re all just way better.#theres a few things being made. im trying anyway.#The tags are just yapping now. Im being a bit more vague than i’d like.#I Dont think im making any sense.
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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Seeing what presents my baby sister gets and realising I really drew the short straw by being the firstborn
#Demon Spawn#+Extras#tell me why this three year old got a pet budgie for her birthday? she cant even spell yet#none of my siblings have ever had personal pets i wasnt allowed a hamster when i was 12 and neither was anyone else but the 3 year old??#she got her own heat pool for her birthday as well and a barbie dream house taller than her for Christmas#and what did i get childhood trauma perfectionism a fear of failure and anxiety#my mum always goes over the top with the youngest girl it happened with my middle sister in that 5 year gap before my mum got pregnant again#i didnt even make it 2 before my mum was pregnant so i never really got to reap the rewards of being the youngest#the lil ones get spoiled to hell and they get a mum with a fully developed frontal lobe and chiller parents#being the oldest sucks there are no benefits to it only responsibilities#btw im not mad at my sister or whatever its nice for her that she gets to have these things#but what do you mean i got the shtty childhood parents and i still have to argue to be allowed to bare minimal at 23 when the 3 year old#gets special treatment that the rest of us wouldnt even bother asking for cus we dont have all the things that came before that point#my issue is that the preferential treatment she gets is useless to her. she didnt ask for a barbie dreamhouse and she cant even play with it#because shes too short whe doesnt need her own pool because she cant even swim yet she doesnt need her own tablet she cant read yet#she shouldnt have her own pet when she cant understand what it means to own a living creature#especially when we dont currently have any other pets in the house#my issue is that the spoiling doesnt even make sense for her age she cant enjoy it cus it doesnt make sense yet doesnt mean anything to her#my mum wants to spoil her cus shes her littlest girl but shes had 7 kids before this she knows whats age appropriate and this isnt
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im distraught, my rook has elgar'nans vallaslin.....
#I DIDNT KNOWWWWW#i just LIKED IT#IM NOT EVEN ACTUALLY DALISH IM FROM NEVARRA!!!!#IN MY CANON I GOT THEM AFTER THE WAR OF THE BANNERS TO FEEL MORE CONNECTED TO BEING AN ELF!!!!!#ITS WHAT THEY GAVE ME DURING MY RITUAL!!!! I DIDNT CHOOSE THIS!!!!!#how in dai did i end up with mythal and junes and this time....i chose fuxking elgar'#i cant#i just cant#how did this happen#they need to refresh your memory before you go into these characyer designers 😭#i could not have chosen worse i swear#not im stuck thinking about rook finding put about the gods and being horrified to the point of puking#just like 'hold on i need a second' and all you hear is them barfing as soon as theyre out of sight#i dont know whos bellara and davrin have though but i bet neither of them are as fucked up as i am abt it#i wanna believe rook heard all the elven stories growing up from elves who joined the mourn watch so they werent totally in the dark#when they got their vallaslin? but obviously didnt know the whole truth until the plot of veilguard 8 or so years after the fact#like i feel so bad for the dwarves im so upset for harding especially as a syrface dwarf but holy fuck theres three of us with slave marking#none of us are okay......#why isnt davrin more bothered than he is by this he seems like he should be so pissed about being lied to#but im also confused cause i thought the dalish elves were specifically from the south#so dmetas crossing threw me off a bit#but whatever i was raised with the dead in the necropolis what do i know😭#i cannot believe this#i need to go back to dai and swap my two main elves tattoos tho i feel like darcy should have had mythals and mahanon should have junes#it would make more sense#i never did finish my beloved qun in that one either#im so nostaligic for that game#long before the traum of this one
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does anyone have any advice on how to feel alive again
#me @ me: no one cares#sorry to keep depression posting i just dont know what to do#its hard to stay positive when everything feels so fucking bad all the time#covid shit is stressing me out. election shit sucks so bad. my health is bad my mental illnesses are mental illnessing#and if one more person at my stupid fucking job makes a fucking comment about my fucking mask im actually going to start killing#im so serious. i really cant do this anymore#why dont people care about other people it makes no sense#why are people so fucking horrible to each other. everything is so fucking horrible#one of my coworkers literally right now has covid and on our zoom call he was like well the vaccine wouldnt have done anything anyways#are you sure about that??? because you sound like you cant fucking breathe#idk i just feel hopeless and bitter and exhausted and like nothing will ever be okay ever again. and im At Work.#how are you supposed to combat this. what are you supposed to do.#no amount of cognitive fucking behavioral therapy is going to fix the fascism or the climate change or the pandemic or the or the or the#like literally why bother. it doesn't matter nothing matters!#i just want to go home#but then when i get home im like fuck. i really want to go home.
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I have no idea why this is like The Thing with me and i knowwww its ocd but i remember having this hang up fairly young and i have no idea if there was some sort of something that made me start thinking like this. Or even if it's productive at all to try and figure that out.
#^and that bothers me i like to always know the reasons im doing whatever im doing even if theyre irrational#if that makes sense#radar.txt
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I can't stop thinking about Orpheus and Eurydice...
#im too tired to type a bunch now but i might later. might just bother my gf with it with no warning#but god it gets me because with every telling and retelling my first thought is 'god please dont turn around'#and then i remember that it wouldnt be orpheus and eurydice if he didnt...#he loved her so much that it would not be the same story if he didnt turn around#all love to jasper in deadland (a musical retelling in which he doesnt turn around) i love that musical#if i recall correctly he wanted to turn around but eurydice appeared and reminded him not to#thats a good musical but it definitely takes its liberties so idk why i brought it up#but anyway. youre telling me that if you spent hours days or weeks walking. unsure if your lover was even there#you wouldnt go insane with the unknowing? the longing? you wouldnt turn?#or alternatively depending on the telling. if you were walking ahead of your lover and they tripped#you wouldn't instinctively turn to help? or if you made it out you wouldnt immediately turn?#forgetting that your lover wasnt there yet. in your enthusiasm to have them back?#youre telling me that you wouldn't turn?? do you even love them???????#and also. ive heard this take before. its about grief#its about losing a loved one and always 'turning back' even though you know that will hurt. that will make you 'lose' them again#(spoken as someone who has a number blocking app to call someone i miss just so i can hear her voice in her voicemail)#thats literally 'turning back' the way that orpheus does#idk if that point made any sense but it made sense in my heart#god im going insane thinking about orpheus and eurydice and its not making sense but it will. it all will
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Actually talking about dreams reminded me that i had a dream with Grim before he even had a name or was even a character of mine!! I can't believe i forgot about that the only reason i even know about it is bc i found some old text messages where i talked about it and it must have been such a defining moment i decided i must share it with someone at 03:40 am
Reporting from the future, according to past me: "the god of death visited me in my dream" and "he was very fun" and "he sang to me in latin". I also thought it was an omen but wasn't sure if it was a good or bad one. I also said "hes a trickster ofc hed love to visit you and scare you" (to friend i was messaging). Thats literally just Grim. Like all of this fits him except he looks a little different today; like his hair isn't pale blond its just white, and his eyes aren't dark but red, but i guess. They can be dark. At the same time. He visited me before he even existed and that's a little freaky tbh i hope he visits again soon
This does help answer a question thats been bothering me since the parley happened which is what language do him and his majesty speak? And auden for that matter. Bc ofc i write in English but other languages do exist still, and both grim and the lord speak most languages (so the interpreters weren't even rly needed with the humans) but that doesn't mean they just speak english bc i write in english bc that seems unfitting to me.. now ive decided they just speak latin in reality. Or some other form of lost language no one else speaks. That or if they are speaking to someone else, then they speak the language the person they are talking to speaks. Same with the Doctor actually, since it "talks" in people's thoughts, and whatever it says is interpreted in a way unique to each individual, so if its communicating with a Spanish speaking person for example then that person would hear its words in spanish bc thats what they understand and thats the filter their brain interprets things through. But it doesn't rly talk it just kinda beams its own thoughts into people, so it technically speaks all languages, but also doesn't speak any.
#Auden's story#oc grim#oc his majesty#oc doctor#dreams#whump#the language question has been bothering me for so long bc i knew they don't actually just speak english bc thats a human language#and neither of them are human and both of them are older than language itself#so their mother tongue cannot just be today's modern english that doesn't make any sense#the dream is also freaky bc i literally never dream with people i dont know#like i dont have strangers in my dreams especially not this detailed#if i do theyre just some average looking blob of unimportance#but he was so clear in my mind i remember him so clearly and he looked absolutely nothing like anyone i know#i rly just felt like i was visited by some fucking guy#but some fucking guy who knew who i was and seemed to have more personality than im usually able to imagine#like i dont just “make up guys” in my dreams they gotta come from some media or real life is what im saying#and he wasn't like that#i choose to live in a world where he exists actually thank you for understanding#i need to post more fun fact type posts about my guys they are so important to me
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for the past couple of months I’ve found myself to be so like anxious and depressed whenever I log on here and I couldn’t figure out why??? like when I was getting a lot of interaction and attention it stressed me out and now that I don’t get as much it fucks w my mental but then I realized. I’m simply just pmsing. and what SUCKS is that I pms for a full like two weeks so half of the month I’m like “why do I even bother on here. what’s the point. I’m talking to the void constantly. I need attention but I can’t ASK????” and it’s simply. the PMDD. the Prozac hasn’t kicked in yet, I fear.
#this is torture#and omg my co star today was like#you’re creating distance betwee yourself and others and they don’t wanna keep crossing it to talk to you#OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT#and it makes so much sense omg I get so scared of reaching out to people#cause I think that THEY think I’m annoying or don’t wanna be bothered#and sometimes I genuinely just don’t know what to say#and I feel so isolated but I’m doing it to myself 😔#anyway what I’m saying is. I want attention ALSJDKDJFJ#idk I just feel weird every time I come on here#I think I should take a break but it’s such routine for me to log on morning and night#that I would feel empty not doing it#bc I like reading and seeing you guys but I also think im not stable enough to not see my own stuff getting interaction#I’m just whining I’m sorry agskddhd#tw: vent#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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i love when hiring managers play cute little games with applicants in their job descriptions on seek.
#life#about me#shut up ilona#ilona's jobhunting thoughts and woes#ilona's work dilemmas#ilona's work thoughts#like to be fair this IS for a local music agency where i am#so it makes sense that i'd have to know some basic (and very googleable info) about an aussie singer that we might have in our portfolio#...ie. missy higgins#but also. the 'include the phrase crafting success or we wont even bother looking at you application' is rude asf#and yeah yeah i get both of these things are also testing the 'ninja of detail and accuracy' shit they have throughout the rest of this ad#and it's also a play on their business name bc ~creative industry~ people are insufferable so r.i.p me#they also keep saying 'must be a wizard with tech' in the JD#but im still applying because this engages little 18yo me in her entertainment industry course so much and booking bands headspace#and also bc my old cadetship job REFUSED to let me do any event planning/booking/organisation stuff bc apparently.....#....'it's NEVER been relevant to you and your journey so just accept that we wont let you do it'#NO!!!!!!!!!!!#scream crying while trying to not to throw my laptop out the window while applying to this role either this week or next week#even though they defs want an event management or marketing student or grad from uni or tafe#but FUCK EM
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I'm starting to think the reason I'm not as good of a writer as I want to be is because I like writing more than I like reading.
#which isnt to say i dont like to read#but i find it so difficult to get interested in new fiction#why would i bother reading stories other people wrote when i could just write mine?#i don't have this issue reading nonfiction ive been so into nonfiction#and i feel like THAT has helped me write better just by teaching me about more things so i can make worlds make more sense#but one time i told somebody i was writing a story that's kind of a zombie apocalypse but for plants and they said#'oh that's exactly like this other book' (i forget the name) 'you should read that one!'#and it made me unreasonably angry#i don't care abt someone else's story with a vaguely similar concept. i care abt mine.#and i know this makes me seem like an asshole and i probably am for this specific thing#but i read every book i could get my hands on as a child#and then as soon as i was able to write my own stories that stopped being the case#like all that reading was just training me to do what i can do now#and i think if i could just get over my disinterest in other ppl's fiction books and start practicing deconstructing what makes a good stor#i would start improving my writing more#and short stories! fuck. i hate reading other ppl's short stories unless they're written by friends#but as im starting to submit my short stories to publishing magazines n stuff#im realizing i'll have a better chance of getting published if i read the other stuff those mags have posted before#and write what they want to have submitted. but then it's not necessarily what *i* want to write. u know?#i don't know how to fix this fundamental problem of me preferring writing over reading#(and this applies to fanfic too btw. i hardly ever seek out fic to read unless a friend sends it to me. and often i like it when they do!#but not as much as i like writing or reading my own writing.)#just why would i READ when i could be WRITING and writing is so much more FUN
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