#and i knew i had to make some shit up

[soobvape]

mid-november, not early but late enough that the sky’s gone black.⠀a highstreet he can only remember the name of if he looks it up.⠀2019.⠀1085 words.

???⠀yohan’s been worming around in my brain for.. a while. i hope i did him justice! for @mins-fins — find yohan @m3loria

yohan didn’t really know why he was out, why he was wandering the streets this late. he hated the cold; hated the way it bit at his skin like it was trying to crawl inside him, hated the way it made his nose run and limbs tired, unable to do much except struggle. and still, there he was, out in it anyway. he’d only left in the first place because he felt he needed to clear his head from all the nonstop worries clamouring for attention inside it, but then he’d blinked twice and found himself in the middle of a not-quite-empty city street with a tingling fingerstips and only a faint idea of where he actually was.

but his wallet wasn’t on him, and he couldn’t see any taxis around anyway, so he simply kept on walking, eyeing the shoelace that was bound to come undone sooner or later. cars drove past, the moon shone on, and it felt like seoul fell a little quieter as yohan tried to see the good in his longer-than-expected excursion.

one—more time to think. although maybe that one was a double-sided coin. his mind was only good to him for so long before the what if’s began to creep in alongside them, before derailing it completely. he hoped he’d make it back to the dorm before it got to that point.

two—fresh air was good for him. staying cooped up inside while practicing, even if it was for the good of his future in the long run, probably wasn’t the healthiest thing to do. it wasn’t that cold, he was just.. being dramatic.

as soon as that thought crossed his mind, a fierce breeze whipped by and caught him on its way past, his shoulders hiking up in an involuntary shudder. no wallet, and no scarf, either. yohan couldn’t quite remember where he’d left it. maybe it was in the corner of their usual studio room, where a whole number of other items had began to gather up: stray beads from one of taro’s bracelets, a hoodie of hajoon’s, a book in english junmin had left there that yohan couldn’t quite pronounce the name of. and maybe his scarf, too.

in a way, with all of their compiled belongings—evidence, laid strewn across wooden flooring. evidence they’d been there at all, evidence they’d tried and trained and left a part of themselves there while doing so. evidence to look back on if they made it. if they didn’t—it felt like they were sort of.. a thing. an entity. yohan was just looking for words other than group. it didn’t feel right to call them that, not when there hadn’t been anything set in stone, yet. it wasn’t like he had a say in who came and who went.

but.. a group. something about the word made a warmth spread in his chest. he wondered if he’d have taken such comfort in residing in the five letters had he never chosen the idol life. had he been—well. normal, he supposed was sort of a fitting description.

a group of highschool boys just like the one he’d been imagining were crowded under the awning of one of the shopfronts ahead of him, hoodies and bomber jackets over their blazers and starch uniform shirts; ties loose or discarded completely. yohan kept his head lowered as he walked past, eyes drifting back to them after he’d made it a little way ahead. they were laughing, a cigarette perched between the fingertips of one while another tried at a shitty lighter over and over, the mirth wracking through his shoulders not helping at all with the task of making a spark catch on—hindering his progress further, if anything.

still, none of them seemed to mind, only amusing themselves with the struggle and breaking out into a collective cheer once the flame finally sprung to life, and the boy rushed to light the first smoke.

again, his thoughts wandered to whether he would’ve ended up like that. if that—if he hadn’t chosen the trainee life, if he’d stayed in school, if he’d made more friends, if he’d let himself be goaded into doing things he probably wasn’t supposed to just for the fun of it all (“you only live once, hannie!” they’d jeer, and maybe he’d grin, maybe he’d let himself be persuaded)—he’d made one different decision, nothing would’ve been the same.

he supposed the possibility wasn’t exclusive to the wannabe idol route. you choose one life, you discard another. it wasn’t exactly a hard concept to understand. but the dream of—performing, was the only thing he could really stand to call it right now. stardom was a hope he didn’t allow himself to have—was something people gave their whole lives away for. normalcy slipped through your fingers and fell out from under you the second a contract was signed: smoke from your lips, sand from your palms.

a near-collision with a stranger snapped him out of all of his spiralling thoughts, and he felt his cheeks flame as he stuttered an apology, only for the woman to brush past him and continue on her way without another word. head forcefully cleared and leaving only embarrassment in its place, yohan stole one more look back to watch the smoke from the schoolboy’s cigarette curl upwards into the november sky, already pitch black even if it hadn’t even made it past ten, and then turned back. kept his head up. walked on. 

maybe he’d make it, maybe he wouldn’t. maybe he needed to stop saying maybe, full-stop. the only thing he needed to do was get up, do his best, let hajoon drag him out to whatever newest barbecue restaurant he’d found, to read one of junmin’s books even if he barely understood them, to look in the mirror and tell himself that whatever happened, happened. he’d said it himself—it wasn’t like he had any say in his future, not after he’d practically signed it away. all yohan could do now was try, and hope he came out on top.

try. hope. the two words rang out in his head, louder with every step he took; running circles around one another, and yohan felt the tension in his shoulders start to loosen. go with the wind. smoke in the air, forced flame against a filter. he was going to get home, go to bed, wake up, and be fine. 

and when that thought crossed his mind, his own affirmation, he felt like he believed it for the first time in a long one.

[kit-screams-into-the-future]

drawing your favorite guys being silly is very effective at keeping The Horrors at bay

bonus doc from a different canvas:

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

good night and sweet dreams to the best, sexiest, sluttiest, smartest, realest, most based, valid, relatable, girlipop, sympathetic, cunt, fun, cool, feminist, aspirational girlboss character in dead boy detectives: doll spider <3

good night to her and no one else. i hope the rest of y’all have a bad night and terrible dreams.

[simptasia]

LOST: Season One

[humanmorph]

i do still (occasionally) (also when keith mentions it) think about how noone really interacted with phrygian much outside of their humanoid shape much (room, place, objects etc), and when they did it usually went with a general sense of that being so strange / weird / kind of offputting. and of course part of it is that it's jokes from the cast & saying things like 'i don't want to party inside of you' are just kind of funny, i guess*, and on the other hand (watsonian) i can buy it from the characters who were raised with/under anti-branched propaganda, HOWEVER

Get over it!! Get over it!!!!! Skill‼️ Issue‼️

[lokh]

every day im reminded that though my parents may have wanted a dog they clearly did not want to take care of a dog

[puppyeared]

i think the reason why im so drawn to spirit tracks and pkmn scarvi is that having the legendary/princess as a companion rather than a goal that marks the games completion makes me feel satisfied the way i would after helping a friend

my brother always teases me about how I still havent finished botw after almost 7 years bc "id rather be out picking flowers" which i wont say is untrue. and yes i know Zeldas been holding off ganon for 100 years, yes i can get some sort of idea what her relationship with link was like by recalling memories and going through her diary. ive always loved botw for its unique storytelling and setting which makes it stand out, because it lets you get to know who you're saving.

but because theyre memories, it only works if theres something for the player to investigate that already happened. its retroactive (but effective nonetheless)

on the other hand, spirit tracks does something similar but instead of having the player try to piece together memories and interpret them as a spectator, you actually have an opportunity to get to know zelda yourself by talking to her and working together. besides making it a gameplay mechanic, giving the player control over how they interact with zelda makes it so much more personable.

and I find that making the goal feel personal instead of an obligation gives me more of a reason to work towards it. I know what kind of person botw zelda was but as the player, shes still very much a stranger to me. but spirit tracks zelda? thats my friend!!!! she invited me to go to the beach after we get her body back!!! i dont want to whip her to make her move faster thats mean :(

you know how hostage negotiators are trained to introduce themselves and get to know the person theyre negotiating with because its harder to hurt someone when you know what their favorite food is? its kinda like that, because it feels like im helping a friend than being told or led to do smth

and although i havent played scarvi myself, i feel an attachment to koraidon and miraidon even just watching playthrough clips because its like!! thats my weird scaly dog!! it loves sandwiches and we're friends!!! you know!!!!!!

[screambirdscreaming]

I used to like saying "gender is a social construct," but I stopped saying that because people didn't tend to react well - they thought that I was saying gender wasn't real, or didn't matter, or could be safely ignored without consequences. Which has always baffled me a bit as an interpretation, honestly, because many things are social constructs - like money, school, and the police - and they certainly have profound effects on your life whether or not you believe in them. And they sure don't go away if you ignore them.

Anyway. What I've taken to saying instead is, "gender is a cultural practice." This gives more of a sense of respect for the significance gender holds to many people. And it also opens the door to another couple layers of analysis.

Gender is cultural. It is not globally or historically homogeneous. It shifts over time, develops differently in different communities, and can be influenced by cross-cultural contact. Like many, many aspects of culture, the current status of gender is dramatically influenced by colonialism. Colonial gender norms are shaped by the hierarchical structure of imperialist society, and enforced onto colonized cultures as part of the project of imperial cultural hedgemony.

Gender is practiced. What constitutes a gender includes affects and behaviors, jobs or areas of work, skillsets, clothing, collective and individual practices of gender affiliation and affirmation. Any or all of these things, in any combination, depending on the gender, the culture, and the practitioner.

Gender encompasses shared cultural archetypes. These can include specific figures - gods and goddesses, mythic or fictional characters, etc - or they can be more abstract or general. The Wise Woman, Robin Hood, the Dyke, the Working Man, the Plucky Heroine, the Effete Gay Man, etc etc. The range of archetypes does not circumscribe a given gender, that is, they're not all there is to gender. But they provide frameworks and reference points by which people relate to gender. They may be guides for ways to inhabit or practice a gender. They may be stereotypes through which the gendered behavior of others is viewed.

Gender as a framework can be changed. Because it is created collectively, by shared acknowledgement and enforcement by members of society. Various movements have made significant shifts in how gender is structured at various times and places. The impact of these shifts has been widely variable - for example, depending on what city I'm in, even within my (fairly culturally homogeneous) home country, the way I am gendered and reacted to changes dramatically. Looping back to point one, we often speak of gender in very broad terms that obscure significant variability which exists on many scales.

Gender is structured recursively. This can be seen in the archetypes mentioned above, which range from extremely general (say, the Mother) to highly specific (the PTA Soccer Mom). Even people who claim to acknowledge only two genders will have many concepts of gendered-ways-of-being within each of them, which they may view and react to VERY differently.

Gender is experienced as an external cultural force. It cannot be opted out of, any more than living in a society can be opted out of. Regardless of the internal experience of gender, the external experience is also present. Operating within the shared cultural understanding of gender, one can aim to express a certain practice of gender - to make legible to other people how it is you interface with gender. This is always somewhat of a two-way process of communication. Other people may or may not perceive what you're going for - and they may or may not respect it. They may try to bring your expressed gender into alignment with a gender they know, or they might parcel you off into your own little box.

Gender is normative. Within the structure of the "cultural mainstream," there are allowable ways to practice gender. Any gendered behavior is considered relative to these standards. What behavior is allowed, rewarded, punished, or shunned is determined relative to what is gender normative for your perceived gender. Failure to have a clearly perceivable gender is also, generally, punished. So is having a perceivable gender which is in itself not normative.

Gender is taught by a combination of narratives, punishments, and encouragements. This teaching process is directed most strongly towards children but continues throughout adulthood. Practice of normatively-gendered behaviors and alignment with 'appropriate' archetypes is affirmed, encouraged, and rewarded. Likewise 'other'- gendered behavior and affinity to archetypes is scolded, punished, or shunned. This teaching process is inherently coercive, as social acceptance/rejection is a powerful force. However it can't be likened to programming, everyone experiences and reacts to it differently. Also, this process teaches the cultural roles and practices of both (normative) genders, even as it attempts to force conformity to only one.

Gender regulates access to certain levers of social power. This one is complicated by the fact that access to levers of social power is also affected by *many* other things, most notably race, class, and citizenship. I am not going to attempt to describe this in any general terms, I'm not equipped for that. I'll give a few examples to explain what I'm talking about though. (1) In a social situation, a man is able to imply authority, which is implicitly backed by his ability to intimidate by yelling, looming, or threatening physical violence. How much authority he is perceived to have in response to this display is a function of his race and class. It is also modified by how strongly he appears to conform to a masculine ideal. Whether or not he will receive social backlash for this behavior (as a separate consideration to how effective it will be) is again a function of race/class/other forms of social standing. (2) In a social situation, a woman is able to invoke moral judgment, and attempt to modify the behavior of others by shame. The strength of her perceived moral authority depends not just on her conformity to ideal womanhood, but especially on if she can invoke certain archetypes - such as an Innocent, a Mother, or better yet a Grandmother. Whether her moral authority is considered a relevant consideration to influence the behavior of others (vs whether she will be belittled or ignored) strongly depends on her relative social standing to those she is addressing, on basis of gender/race/class/other.

[Again, these examples are *not* meant to be exhaustive, nor to pass judgment on employing any social power in any situation. Only to illustrate what "gendered access to social power" might mean. And to illustrate that types of power are not uniform and may play out according to complex factors.]

Gender is not based in physical traits, but physical traits are ascribed gendered value. Earlier, I described gender as practiced, citing almost entirely things a person can do or change. And I firmly believe this is the core of gender as it exists culturally - and not just aspirationally. After the moment when a gender is "assigned" based on infant physical characteristics, they are raised into that gender regardless of the physical traits they go on to develop (in most circumstances, and unless/until they denounce that gender.) The range of physical traits like height, facial shape, body hair, ability to put on muscle mass - is distributed so that there is complete overlap between the range of possible traits for people assigned male and people assigned female. Much is made of slight trends in things that are "more common" for one binary sex or the other, but it's statistically quite minor once you get over selection bias. However, these traits are ascribed gendered connotations, often extremely strongly so. As such, the experience of presented and perceived gender is strongly effected by physical traits. The practice of gender therefore naturally expands to include modification of physical traits. Meanwhile, the social movements to change how gender is constructed can include pushing to decrease or change the gendered association of physical traits - although this does not seem to consistently be a priority.

Gender roles are related to the hypothetical ability to bear children, but more obliquely than is often claimed. It is popular to say that the types of work considered feminine derive from things it is possible to do while pregnant or tending small children. However, research on the broader span of human history does not hold this up. It may be true of the cultures that gave immediate rise to the colonial gender roles we are familiar with - secondary to the fact that childcare was designated as women's work. (Which it does not have to be, even a nursing infant doesn't need to be with the person who feeds it 24 hours a day.) More directly, gender roles have been influenced by structures of social control aiming for reproductive control. In the direct precursors of colonial society, attempts to track paternal lineage led to extreme degrees of social control over women, which we still see reflected in normative gender today. Many struggles for women's liberation have attempted to push back these forms of social control. It is my firm opinion that any attempt to re-emphasize childbearing as a touchstone of womanhood is frankly sick. We are at a time where solidarity in struggle for gender liberation, and for reproductive rights, is crucial. We need to cast off shackles of control in both fights. Trying to tie childbearing back to womanhood hobbles both fights and demeans us all.

Gender is baked deeply enough into our culture that it is unlikely to ever go away. Many people feel strongly about the practice of gender, in one way or another, and would not want it to. However we have the power to change how gender is structured and enforced. We can push open the doors of what is allowable, and reduce the pain of social punishment and isolation. We can dismantle another of the tools of colonial hedgemony and social control. We can change the culture!

[inklessletter]

I know this isn't the place to cry and whine but I just need to let out of my chest that I've been trapped for a while in a neverending chain of disappointments, and I feel like I can't take it anymore. But that's a lie, because everytime I think that, I can take another one.

[cator99]

I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care

[thrill-kill-kult]

I’ve mostly been thinking about this in the context of an AU I created, but I’ve been thinking a lot about Toki’s transition out of his parents’ home and into the real world.

I imagine he left before he was 18 and had to support himself entirely from before that in order to get himself out. And like idk I’m just thinking about the moment when he finally moves out and he’s sitting on a bed that he bought that’s in a room he can call his own, and like he thinks he’s going to be instantly happy and that everything will be perfect, but then he has to reckon with the fact that it isn’t, and now he has to deal with grieving his old life and trying to fit in to a new life he doesn’t really understand and keep himself afloat.

[seapiglet]

The only way I would've accepted seeing pre-fall Crowley and Aziraphale together is if they were like in the Heaven cafeteria, Crowley complaining to a celestial dinnerlady that the lunch options all look bad ("the food hadn't been that good lately"), while Aziraphale walks by in the other direction, needlessly worrying about something. Neither notices the other. They were this close and yet!

Perhaps Aziraphale and another angel are even discussing some rumour about angels starting to ask questions of The Almighty and expresses concern.

Keep in the "how much trouble can I get into for asking a few questions?" or whatever from Crowley but have it be with the disgruntled dinnerlady or one of Lucifer's crew he was presumably hanging out with. Show one of these soon-to-be-cast-out angels casually mentioning to him that they're thinking of bringing up a few of their concerns to "the boss" and would he be interested? It's worth a shot after all. What harm could it to?

Just anything to make it less fucking needlessly dramatic and serious.

[tenwhiteandalusians]

is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5

[hardrockshrimp]

Found a copy of Head On (Samson) from 1980 and look at this picture of Bruce from the insert :3

[weaselweaselweasel]

I’ve come to expect that my dnd group will never be ready to run a game session nor are they interested in rescheduling

Still I shall hold out hope that my game next Sunday will be happening because if they all cancel the day before for the fourth time in a row

I may have to go Michael Myers on their asses

[gotta-bail-my-quails]

man i thought i moved out to escape my family but it turns out i've jumped from the pan into the fire because holy shit my guys what the fuck??