#and i just literally went through my messages of people who were worried and whatnot

[korracrat]

Oh hey guys. Guess it’s been a while hasn’t it?

Well I am ok-ish? I think? Umm I’ve been in and out of ER’s a lot lately and have been devoting literally all my time into not dropping out of school. I WILL be back, most likely when I am finished with my summer classes around July. 

I will have a longer update later.  I am currently being tested for MS and a bunch of other shit. Like I keep losing my vision and routinely blacking out as well as the issues with my digestive tract earlier in the year, long story short not only is my body systematically shutting down but we’re also still not sure what is doing it.

Also doesn’t help that I was locked out of my account for a while as well.

I am more often on Twitter: https://twitter.com/DontWriteDown

Also my boyfriends tumblr is @former-wizard. He might also post updates about me as well.

See y’all soon (most likely this weekend if i get all my homework done)! And sorry for freaking y’all out! (And I thought the issue with my inbox was bad before lol)

@trappist-k @die-forellex @n-k-y @terrasu @greeneryandcoffee @nanasity @papallion @obsidea @jesuspimp @lesbxdyke @werevampiwolf @kaybirdie512 @pageofmemes @mentallybrokengay @cieraxx13 @joeyisanolive @l-401 @wanna-taka-bout-it @inventorbenny @mostly-a-queer-being @zuzuthejerkbender @wheel-deal @neighborlyarson @cambriascolex @glumshoe @setmybuttocksablaze @elric-chan @blitchen @will-write-for-food @exdeath-chan

[justdontaskme]

Actual Winners (Ona Batlle x Reader)

A/N: Little bit of writer's block and a rough few weeks but I got something done. I don't love it, but think this might be as good as I can get it. Follow up fic to I Got You. Hope you enjoy!

The nerves currently wracking your body made this day a living nightmare. It was like each move you made was being watched, and it made your skin crawl. You don't know why but you just felt off since the end of practice.

It continued throughout the entire day. While it was normal to be nervous the day before one of the biggest games of your life, it seemed like there was more to it. At dinner, your head was shifty as your leg furiously bounced up and down, gaining Leah's worried attention from her seat next to you. 

Everyone could tell that something was off about you, but none of them knew how to help. 

Just as dinner was about to end, Alessia had come over and shoved her phone into your face. Confused, you grabbed the device from your United teammate. 

The smiling face staring back at you immediately put you in a better mood. 

“Hola, cariño,” your girlfriend grinned when she saw the small upward tick of your lips. “Alessia told me you are sad. Are you okay?”

Hearing her voice literally went straight through your heart. You couldn’t identify why, but you suddenly felt the need to cry. Opening your mouth, you tried to speak but nothing came out. 

“Mi amor?” Ona tried again when you didn’t respond. 

Again, no words came out. You felt a nudge to your side, turning to your best friend who tilted her head towards the door, knowing that you probably needed this conversation with a bit more privacy. 

Nodding your head, you quietly excused yourself, promising Alessia you’d return her phone in a few minutes. Your journey was short, as you couldn’t even make it to your room. Instead, you camped out in the empty stairwell about one floor up from the dining room. 

“I miss you,” you whispered, pouting at the camera. 

Ona’s face softened, and at that moment you really wished you could reach through the camera to touch her soft skin. Seeing her briefly for the quarterfinal game wasn’t enough. You wanted more. 

After the quarterfinal game, Ona had told you she was going to take a short vacation with her brother but promised to be back for your game. Communication was limited during this time. Your schedule was busy with training and whatnot with the team while Ona was always in places with spotty service. 

When she unfortunately missed out on the semifinal against Sweden, you were a little disappointed. The post of her and Mapi holding up England's flag with a message of support was nice, but it wasn't the same as having her there.

“I miss you, too,” Ona replied. “I don’t like being away from you, but I love watching you be great.” 

“But I’m not.”

“Don’t be like that,” Ona pleaded, her head falling onto the pillow next to her. “You are so amazing, mi amor, and I wish you could see that.”

You rolled your eyes, “You’re the only one that thinks that.”

“I am not. I promise. So many people look up to you for different reasons and I’m so proud to call you my girlfriend.”

At her words, you felt a sudden burst of emotion, tears falling down your face. You were overcome with love for this girl, your emotions getting the best of you. Ona had immediately started apologizing at the sight of your tears, afraid she had said something to upset you. 

Quickly, you reassured her it was the exact opposite. She always knew how to make you feel ten times lighter. You asked her to stay on the line and detail her trip just so you could hear her voice some more before the eventual goodbyes. 

****

As you stood at the front of the tunnel, the loud cheering literally vibrated throughout your body. The pounding in your ear, the beating of your heart, it made everything feel so real.

If anyone had asked you ten years ago if they thought you'd ever play for your country, let alone represent your home country in a Euro final, you would have called them crazy. Yet, here you were. You closed your eyes and let the sounds of the stadium fill you up. 

"You alright?" Leah asked, taking her last trip up and down the line and checking in with each player. 

The sound of her voice spooked you from your trance. Your best friend fixed you with worried eyes as she saw the trepidation in your eyes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

"It’s okay,” you quickly reassured you. Your breathing returned to normal as you remembered where you were and what you were about to do. “Is this even real?"

Her eyes brightened as a large smile grew on her face.

"You better believe it, Y/N. We've made it," she clapped her hands against your shoulder, jostling you back and forth a bit to shake out your nerves. 

“Who would have thought that the two of us would be here now?”

"I did," Leah smiled cheekily. 

You shoved her lightly with a roll of your eyes, "Let's win this."

"Don't forget to look good in front of your girlfriend," Leah winked, your answering blush led to her burst of laughter. 

Ever since your phone call with Ona last night, the team had been relentlessly teasing you about your sudden change in mood. Some joked about the dopey smile on your face, others complained about how they hadn’t thought to call Ona earlier. You took all the teasing in stride, proud of having such a beautiful girl who made you feel all warm inside. Now, you just wanted to prove that you could be the girl that Ona saw in you. 

****

The German team was composed and pressing hard. After playing for more than a hundred minutes, your body was about to give up. You could feel the exhaustion creeping in as your legs started to cramp. Slowly, you found it harder and harder to catch your breath. But you had to keep pushing. 

The clock on the jumbotron just kept climbing, and you wished it would just freeze for a second so you could catch your breath. There was barely ten minutes left of the game. The creeping anxiety of having to go to penalties crept up your shoulder. You and your team were determined to keep that from happening. 

Desperately, you turned to where you knew Ona was sitting with your family. Your girlfriend made eye contact, signaling for you to take a deep breath in. Following her instructions, you stood up straight, filling your lungs with air before slowly letting it out. 

The breathing did its job in recentering you. You flashed Ona a smile in thanks and a quick thumbs up before turning your attention back to the game.  

With a corner kick in your team’s favor, you looked back at Leah, telling her you were about to join the fray while she agreed to stay behind. You weren’t necessarily a target in the box, but you were going to jump on any kind of rebound and be ready to send in a cross to one of your teammates. 

Lauren went to take the corner and you all lined up. There was a scuffle in the box as soon as the ball came in, and you waited outside the box anxiously. You watched as Chloe managed to get a foot on the ball, but a German player managed to stick their foot out and deflect it at the last minute.   

Unfortunately for them, the ball had bounced just out of the box in front of you. Feeling as if you had nothing to lose, you ran onto the ball, striking it as it came down on the second bounce. 

You held your breath as everyone watched it sail over every player's head, slipping right past the German keeper who could only get her fingers to brush the edges of the ball, but not enough to stop it. 

For a second, you were completely shocked. The ball hit the back of the net, sealing the win for your team in the first major competition of your life. 

When things started to click into place, you finally snapped out of it. Turning around in your spot, you found all of your teammates running towards you with huge grins on their faces. Seeing Alessia, you immediately started running, jumping into her awaiting arms as she spun the two of you around. 

You felt others jumping onto the two of you from all sides, almost like a standing dog pile. As the pile broke, you felt Leah grab your shoulders shouting how proud she was of you before pressing a kiss to the side of your head and telling you to get back into position. 

As you started to head back, you glanced over to the family section, quickly finding the eyes of the person you loved so much. Instinctively, you pressed a kiss to the tip of your first two fingers before pointing her out in the middle of the crowd. 

Even from your spot on the field, you could see the blush rising on her cheeks as your brother was jostling her shoulders in jest. She blew you a subtle kiss in return, which amped you up for the last few minutes of the game. 

When the final whistle blew, you made eye contact with Leah, crushing her in your arms when you two finally reached one another. Neither of you could really speak at the moment, disbelief and pride coursing through your veins. 

"We did it!" you shouted at each other, happy tears slipping down both of your faces.

Leah eventually passed you off to Lucy who you'd always felt was like an older sister to you. The other defender had rocked you back and forth before the two of you turned to the family section and waved to all your supporters. 

The stadium was buzzing, but all you could focus on was the Spanish defender staring back at you with your jersey from the quarterfinals on her back. 

After the ceremony and lots of celebrating with your teammates, all of you finally made it out to the hotel conference which was closed down specifically for friends and families of the players. 

Weaving in and out of the bodies, you were searching for your family, finally finding them with Leah's family near the back. Your parents engulfed you immediately, congratulating you for everything. Your younger siblings clung to your sides, asking if they could see your medal and the trophy before running off to find their friends. 

And finally, after what felt like a lifetime, you were able to greet your girlfriend, drawing the younger girl into your arms. 

Neither of you said anything, just soaking in the embrace. It had only been a little over a week since you had seen her, but that was long enough for you.

"Congratulations, cariño," Ona said into the side of your neck, pressing a soft kiss just under your ear.

But that didn't satisfy you. Instead, you pulled back enough to see her face before drawing her face to yours and kissing her like you wanted to since you first saw her in the stands with your England jersey on. 

"I love you,” you declared, holding her face in your hands as your eyes explored hers. “So much.”

“I love you, too.”

Carefully, you removed the medal from around your neck, gently placing it around your girlfriend’s neck. 

“No, no. This is yours,” the Spanish girl tried to return it to you, but you rested your hands on top of hers. 

“I want to share this with you,” you said, pulling her hands away from the gold piece, and lowering them to her sides. “I couldn’t have done this without you. And I wouldn’t have wanted to do this with anyone but you.” 

“Then this is ours,” she said, holding your hand with one of hers as the other travels back up her body until the gold medal was laying in the palm of her hand. 

Her words stirred something in you as it fully pieced everything together in your mind. The two of you were living this life together, and there were still many more memories to share with one another. 

[delicrieux]

☆ﾐ 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 “𝚘𝚑”

PART 10: BIG DICK IS BACK IN TOWN

y/n is back in brooklyn for the holidays. thinking that a stream will make her feel less homesick for cali, she starts working on her famously titled hentai.free.srv. what was supposed to be a relaxing stream turns into a special delivery about two hours in.

─── corpse husband x reader ─── soc. media + written fiction! ─── word count: 2.2k ─── ❥ req: Here's one... You know those apps for delivery like Domino's or whatnot... What if reader is streaming Among Us with Corpse, and reader mentions they're hungry and Corpse offers to order them food, and readers like no no it's fine... Then there's delivery at the door (Corpse ordered beforehand) 

author’s note: fucky format is also back in town baby!!! also if you find any mistakes - no u didnt <3 thank u everyone for enjoying this story sm i literally cant believe how feral yall going strawberry cow was a nuclear explosion im still recovering tbh. got an ask a while ago and decided to incorporate it into myso. happy holidays everyone! myso will continue on monday!

ultimate masterlist.  ҉  myso masterlist   ҉   previous.  ҉   next.

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Indeed, being soft on any social media platform was the biggest disgrace and needed to be eliminated post haste. Moreover, it was a slippery slope - once you start flooding your timeline with cute imagery and heart emojis, what will stop you from posting inspirational Facebook quotes? Disgusting. If Rae were here, she would chide you (not you thinking about her as if she’s dead or something). For once in your life, you feel like you deserve it. 

Alas, you hope this little chaos you’ve caused is enough to throw everyone off. The stans, especially. You know the hashtags, you’ve seen ARMY scourging for info online with the same fervor and ruthlessness 1 Direction fans hacked airport security cameras just to spy on the boys. If you had any dirty secrets online, they are out to the public now - thankfully, besides the Harry Styles stan account (with edits and all), you have nothing. Though, now that you think about it, exposed nudes would have been better than your Punk!Harry edit receiving almost a million views. God, your life’s a fucking mess.

Your fans aren’t the only ones out for info - you, too, are trying to decipher Rae’s message. Code: Barbecue Sauce. The two of you had come up with it roughly two years ago, around the same time when you promised that if you didn’t find significant others by the time you’re 40, you’ll just marry each other. It was one of the many rules found in your friendship codex. Barbecue Sauce signifies information - an exchange of information. And depending on how it ends or begins (”So I’m sitting there” alludes to Rae, “On my titties” alludes to you), secret data on that person is given away, usually free of charge. 

But why? And to whom did Rae give away what? You had pestered her mercilessly and even sent some voice messages where you were crying. You were only crying because of a video of a grandpa smiling you saw on TikTok, but you are a snake, and so you put those tears to good use. If streaming doesn’t work out, you’ll just become an actress. Hollywood would love you. Your PR firm sure as fuck wouldn’t, though.

Rae was having none of it. She said you’ll figure it out eventually. Told you to channel your superior puzzle skills. You were quick to remind her that you can barely count to ten without having an aneurysm. Oddly serious, she admitted that she worries for you sometimes. Why only sometimes?! you demanded. She merely sighed. uttering under her breath something that sounded closely to “Boke.”

You leave her for barely a week and she’s already neck deep in the gay volleyball anime, hoodie and cardboard cutout and everything. Your life is falling apart.

But Brooklyn is nice. It had snowed when you stepped off of the plane. Thousands of snowflakes sprinkling into your hair, dotting your cheeks and nose. You missed this sight back in Cali. You missed your parents, too. 

Home cooked meals, old sweaters, your old room and about 40GB worth of old high school pictures on your computer. You went through them all one night. Some were stomach churning, cringe inducing nightmares. You were especially fond of those. Texted some of your friends that were still in Brooklyn, met up, decided to bake. Bad idea, Rae was the resident chef back in Cali. Besides laughing till your stomach hurt, and almost burning down your kitchen, nothing all that significant happened. Somewhere down the line, at about 3 am, half-way through a cheesy rom-com you had the overwhelming urge to text Corpse.

That’s where the problems really started. God, you missed California, missed being in the same timezone with a guy you hadn’t even met yet, how embarrassing is that?! You missed skating around and taking pictures of the beach in the setting sun, sending it to him, silently wishing he was with you to admire the view. 

You really want to call him. And to hang out with him. But for some reason, the thought of that springs up immediate anxiety and you shy away from asking. Him sending you cute good morning texts doesn’t help, either. Maybe it’s better he doesn’t know that you’re a blushing, stuttering mess each time you read “baby”. 

Late evening. Your stream is already set up, people are slowly trickling in and you greet them with a grin and a soft “Hello! Hi hi!”. You did your best to make your room a perfectly chaotic backdrop - led lights, an embarrassing amount of anime merch and plushies. You always try to balance out your weeb side by dressing hot as fuck for your streams - today’s inspiration just so happens to be egirls. Mostly because you watched one too many egirl make-up tutorials on TikTok, and also because you’ve been listening to Corpse’s song all day.

Yeah, no, who are you kidding, you dressed up this way because you were hoping Corpse was watching your stream. You didn’t forget your cat headphones, either. You know he likes them. You want to make him suffer. Perhaps then, finally, he will ask you out, so you wouldn’t have to.

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“I feel like,” You start when you put away your phone, staring idly at the chat, “I feel like I need a new name for you guys. Calling you guys after two years of streaming is just... weird, no? I also don’t respect men so I don’t want to call you guys. Like, so many creator’s have, like, a name for their fans. Uhm, Cody Ko has the chodesters, Kurtis Conner has, uh, folks? Kurtis Town? Citizens! Markiplier has mommy issues--” You can’t help snorting, “So, I’ve been, like, thinking - I know, shocking! - so I was thinking I’m gonna name you cockroaches. Because you’re grimy little shits impossible to kill. And also then I can use the legendary Minaj meme ROACHES!”

Your stream enthusiastically echoes ROACHES, making the chat swim. Yes, if anyone would enjoy such a name, it would be your audience. You’re as equally proud as you are disturbed.

“Well, anyway.” Leaning back into your chair, you throw your arms out with a bright grin, “Big dick is back in town, baby! If you noticed the backdrops different, it’s cuz I’m in Brooklyn now. Don’t ask me when I will return to Always Sunny, I don’t plan that far ahead.”

While Minecraft boots up, you decide to answer a few questions.

r u dating sykkuno?

You want to smack your head into the keyboard, but as it is, you can’t exactly afford a new one, so you refrain, “No, Sykkuno and I are not dating, we are just good friends. Uhm, I’m not sure how much I’ll have to repeat this, but, we really aren’t, so if the roaches could chill - Oh my God, that sounds so stupid, I love it - uh, yeah, if the roaches could chill that’d be great.”

the roaches lmao sounds like we’re a sports team

“Oh shit, yeah it does, uh-- maybe I can make like, jerseys or something. That’d be cool, I think.”

how disappointed are your parents with the way your life turned out?

“My parents are actually not disappointed at all!” You say with a cute little smile, “Uhm, they’re both really proud, actually. They’re glad I found something I love doing and made a job outta it. Dad finds my Youtube videos endearing. Yes, they watch pretty much all of my videos, unless I explicitly tell them not to. And yeah, with all the fucks and thirsting for anime characters. Uhm, it was very embarrassing at first, but I mean, after a while, shame just...doesn’t exist anymore, I guess? Funny thing about my parents, actually, when they watch my videos-” You eye catches a comment, “Oh! No, they only watch my Youtube videos. They don’t know how to use Twitter, thank God. Uhm, anyway-- when they hear a name they don’t know, like, I dunno, Dabi, or something, they google--” You’re grinning by now, eyes crinkling, giggling softly, “--who that is, and buy me like, merch and stuff. It’s really cute. 

can i be adopted by ur parents plz

will you and corpse ever collab?!

You were about to answer, though the man of the hour himself decides to do it for you.

Corpse_Husband: yes.

Okay, not to say your heart skipped a beat, but it totally did. With a pleased smile, you nod, like one of those bobble head toys sold at the dollar store. The motion is oddly reminiscent of Sykkuno’s own nod. Perhaps you had picked it up from him. The chat seems to notice.

pack it up, sykkuno

More questions pile about this mysterious collab you and Corpse are planning. Yeah, you’d like to hear more about it, too, since he single highhandedly decided one was happening right now. Corpse remains silent. Fine, keep your secrets. 

“Okay, guys, oh, I mean, roaches, Oh my God--” You’re covering your mouth, giggling, “-calling all roaches, calling all roaches, calm down. Everyone grab a snack and a blanket I’m turning up the music volume so we can all chill. Entering chill zone. Entering chill zone. Roaches, prepare.”

we are prepared

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An hour or so passes and you grow hungry. It shows with the amount of cakes you had baked in your server. Currently, you find yourself throwing eggs at the wall of one of the renovated houses, your face scrunched in concentration and slight frustration. 24 of the 50 eggs have been wasted. “What’s a girl gotta do to get some chicks around here?” you had uttered under your breath, until, finally, a screech - the egg finally spawns a mob. Your mouth falls open, “Aww, look!” You approach it, so small, walking in zigzags beside you, “It’s a baby chicken! Die, bitch.” The baby chicken is no more as you swing your bedazzled (you have mods) diamond sword. You’re cackling by the time the dust settles.

y/n is a child murderer

“Roaches,” You address your fan-base, spurring another fit of laughter - you can’t get over the name, “I think I’m like, forgetting that eating in Minecraft won’t actually make less hungry in real life.”

take a break and go eat queen <3

“Fuck no, we starve and die like men. Now I actually really need another chicken.”

Another twenty minutes trickle by and you’re trying to lure back a panda from the jungle when there’s a knock on your bedroom’s door. Whipping your head to the side, you slide down your headphones. At the same time, your mom pokes her head through the ajar door, “MOM!” You scream, “Get OUT of my room I’m playing Minecraft!” But your yell has no actual bite to it, as you don’t manage to hide your smile. Your mom laughs, doing some sort of sign language and motioning for you to follow her with her head. That or it’s some sort of performative dance. 

“I’m live right now,” You tell her, pointing at your screen. She knows this already, though, “do you want to say hi?” 

The roaches spam the chat with friendly hellos. You mom, quite impatient now, waves you over. 

“Sorry, roaches, mom needs something. Be back in a bit!”

Stopping the stream, you rush out of your seat and pleased she slinks into the hallway. “What’s this about?”

“Your pizza came.”

“My what now?” You echo, confused.

“Domino’s. You ordered pizza?”

“What? No? I was busy with the stream, I never--”

Thankfully, you had managed to grab your phone from your room before you exited. You almost choke on spit once you read the messages.

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You decide that it’ll be impossible to stream after experiencing what you had just experienced. You tweet out a quick apology to the roaches (God, that fucking name) and say that you had a breakdown but you’re okay. That is as a close to the truth as you managed to muster. It’s a sad sight, chewing and crying; your mom winced when she saw your state - disheveled hair and rundown eyeliner and everything. “D’aww,” She had muttered, caressing the top of your head, “don’t cry my little raccoon.”

If anyone was ever to ask you where did your chaotic nature come from, you’d answer with my mom. To make yourself feel better, you took a selfie - duck face and peace sign and the horrible 2000′s angle. Sent it to Rae. 

looking hot, her message read. 

thanks, was all you replied with.

You couldn’t just leave things as they were. Once you calmed down, you wanted to text Corpse, but how would you follow up the ungodly caps lock and screeching? Impossible. An idea sprung to mind, one that was brave. Taking the first step.

Instead of sending a text, you sent a voice memo.

“Thank you for the pizza, it was delicious.”

You voice still sounded a bit raspy. His reply was instant. Your heart skipped a beat. He sent a voice memo back.

“Glad you liked it, baby.”

He was going to be the death of you.

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tags (in italics is those i couldn’t tag! make sure all’s ok w your settings!) : @littlebabysandboxburritos - @fairywriter-oracle - @tsukishimawh0re - @ofstarsanddreams - @bbecc-a - @annshit - @leahh19 - @letsloveimagines - @bellomi-clarke - @wineandionysus - @guiltydols - @onephootinfrontoftheother - @liamakorn - @thirstyfangirl - @lilysdaydreams - @pan-ini - @mxqicshxp - @tanchosanke - @yoshinorecommends - @flightsandfantasy - @liljennyx3 - @slashersdream - @unknown-and-invisible - @sinister-sleep - @fivedicksinatrenchcoat - @mercury–moon - @peterparkerspjsuit - @unstableye - @simonsbluee - @shinyshimaagain - @ppopty - @siriuslystupid - @crapimahuman - @ofthedewthesunlight - @mythicalamphitrite - @artsyally - @corpsesimpp - @corpsewhitetee - @corpse-husbandsimp - @hyp-oh-critical - @roses-and-grasses - @rhyrhy462 - @sparklylandflaplawyer - @charbkgo - @airwaveee - @creativedogs - @kaitlyn2907 - @loxbbg - @afuckingunicornn - @fleurmoon - @yeolliedokai - @truly-dionysus - @multi-fandom-central707

more tags are in the comments bcs tumblr only allows me to tag 50 people max 💙

[midgardianweasley]

The Royal Ball

The Royal Ball

Loki laufeyson x Fem!reader

Summary: There is an Asgard ball being hosted in the palace, Y/N is yet to find a date to accompany her. She’s disappointed when a certain God doesn’t ask her, however, what happens when he sees someone else getting a little too close for comfort throughout the night?

Warnings: lil bit angsty, self doubt, JEALOUS LOKI, fluffy ending

Word Count: 3.3k

Message/ask if you’d like to be added to the taglist!

Requests are open loves <3

Y/F/N - Your Friend’s Name

It was a beautiful autumn’s day, crisp brown leaves were falling off of the large trees in the courtyard and scattering the cobbled ground. Loki and I had been wandering around for some time now, discussing everything from the books we’ve been reading to the dreams that have come to us in our sleep.

“And then this huge ghost thing was chasing me around the halls! and if that wasn’t weird enough, you popped up-”

“Ah, seeing me in your dreams are we, darling?”  Loki chuckled, taking great pleasure at the fact that he had made an appearance in my subconscious, completely ignoring my distress at being chased by a supernatural being.

“Funny you should say that, right after seeing you, I woke up. The sight must’ve given me quite the scare.” I scoffed, a smile unable to stop itself from making its way onto my face, eyes meeting his, face etched with shock. With a hand to his chest, he spoke again in disbelief.

“You have truly offended me, love. I never knew you had this side to you.”

“What can I say? I’m a woman of many talents.” I winked, nudging his side slightly with my elbow.

“Really? Can you produce illusions?”

“No.”

“Look inside other people’s heads?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Turn yourself into a snake to scare your eight year old brother?”

“I still can’t believe you did that”

“My greatest achievement yet.” He smirked, the memory never failing to amuse him.

His stories always had me in awe of his capabilities, even if it was to give his brother a long-term fear, it was still an incredible talent. Whenever he tells me of his latest adventures or tricks, I always think of how well his title fits him. God of Mischief. Maybe that’s why I liked him much more than what a best friend should, not that I'd ever admit it. Not to him anyway.

We soon found ourselves standing next to one of the windows of the hallway, the crystal clear glass giving a beautiful view of the city of Asgard. From here, you could see the Queen’s gardens, full of flowers in all different colours and types, grass cut to perfection. You could see the families in the town, walking around the different buildings, children playing. It was lovely to watch, seeing everyone enjoy the seasonal weather and the light bounce off of the windows, it was ethereal.

“I never get tired of this.” I sighed, voice only slightly above a whisper

“Tired of what, love?”

“Just, this. This view, this kingdom, it’s incredible.” I looked up at Loki, trying to see if he was seeing the same beauty that I did. He was already looking at me when I met his eyes and upon seeing the way they sparkled, I assumed he did.

“Actually, speaking of the Kingdom, I have something to tell you. There’s-”

Abruptly stopping him from continuing his sentence, voices were heard from the other end of the hallway, though we couldn’t make out the words until they came closer. We gave each other a quick look of confusion before turning to see where the commotion was coming from, hearing the quick and heavy footsteps before being able to put names to the faces.

“Loki! Y/N!” A deep voice bellowed. Was that Thor making all of that noise?

Before I could process any more information, a blur of a pastel pink dress was in my face and hands were placed on my shoulders. I smiled down at the slightly out of breath figure using me as a support stand, it was Y/F/N.

“Wow, Y/F/N, you sound much different than when I spoke to you yesterday, did you drink something funny?” I chuckled, receiving a glare from my friend and a quiet laugh from the God beside me. Thor soon appeared next to Y/F/N, hands on his hips and head thrown back as he tried to compose himself.

“My God, Y/F/N, you run fast.” He pants.

“Care to tell us why you’re both running like madmen through the palace?” Loki speaks, one eyebrow raised in curiosity and what looked a little like concern.

“We..had to..tell you..there’s a ball..next week.” Y/F/N spoke, a bit more stable now, but still in between breaths.

I felt my eyes widen, a ball? I didn’t know Asgard held balls.

“Father is opening up the palace next week to neighbouring kingdoms, in hopes to be closer with them, open Asgard up to more trade opportunities, build relationships and whatnot.” Thor explained, emitting a loud sigh to come from Loki.

“I was just about to tell her, brother. Thank you for interrupting.” He rolled his eyes, half joking, half serious. I reached up and patted his shoulder gently, a small smile on my face.

“Maybe next time Lok” He nodded in response, I didn’t get a chance to comfort him much more before I was being pulled away by Y/F/N. With a small huff of surprise, I gave Loki a glance, silently apologising for our conversation being cut short, receiving a shake of his head in reply, affirming me to not worry about it.

“So.” she begins. “We need to find you a date and a dress. I’m thinking blue. I’m wearing purple so it’s probably best to avoid that one. Hmm. let’s see..oh! I know! we could- Y/N? You listening?” I snapped my head around, not missing the sly smile that was plastered all over my friend’s face.

“Y/F/N, don’t-”

“Loki! He has to be your date. You could wear green and match! If he’s even going to wear green, I'm sure I can get Thor to find out, I assume they’ll get ready together. And black accessories! I have so many ideas.” She clapped her hands, over-excited about the opportunity to plan this evening for us. Except for one minor detail.

“That sounds great, Y/F/N, it sounds wonderful, you’re just missing something.”

“Missing something? Oh, if you mean our hair then i’ve already-”

“No, not our hair. Loki hasn’t asked me, and I doubt he will.” I spoke, the second half coming out more as a whisper, my heart dropping a little at the thought. He’d never really expressed having those kinds of feelings for me and I'd always seen him be close with different girls around the palace, he’ll probably ask one of them.

“He might ask you, you never know what’s around the corner.”

“I guess so, we’ll have to wait and see.”

And that was the last we spoke of it before she went into full planner mode again, while I continued to ponder over all of the thoughts running through my head. I mean, he could ask me, right?

--------------------------

He didn’t.

After talking about it with Y/F/N, I had a glimmer of hope that maybe I was wrong, maybe I hadn’t noticed something that she had, that Loki would approach me and ask me to be his company for the evening.

I spent the next couple of days with him, hoping he would ask me, everytime a pause would appear in conversation, maybe he was finally going to do it. And everytime, a little bit of the hope I had, had fizzled out.

I’d even considered other reasons as to why he hadn’t asked, maybe the King didn’t want him and Thor to have dates so that they could mingle with members of the other kingdoms. Of course that theory had flown right out one of the Palace’s windows when Y/F/N told me that Thor was going to be her date. I was right then, he wasn’t wanting to go with me.

I guess I understood, I’m the best friend, we’d always been that. I think a part of me just thought that maybe he, like me, wanted something a little more. Clearly, I was mistaken.

Y/F/N and I had been getting ready for a while now, our hair was styled to perfection, our dresses were on and both of us were fully accessorized. We were looking at ourselves in the mirror, doing spins and curtseys and gushing over how good the other looked.

“You look amazing tonight, Y/N, really. Loki is missing out.”

“Thank you, and I'm sure his date is beautiful.” I spoke, fidgeting with the fabric of my dress, trying to avoid the subject and the twisting knot in my stomach at the thought of him with someone else all night. “You look incredible! You were right to pick purple, it’s definitely your colour.”

“Y/N’s right, you look gorgeous.” Thor declared, leaning against the doorway sporting a black suit and a dark purple tie, the perfect match with his date’s dress. I could feel my eyes light up when seeing how happy the simple, yet effective comment had made Y/F/N. Rushing over, she engulfed Thor in a hug before leaning up slightly and giving him a peck on the cheek.

“Ah and can’t forget, Y/N, you look stunning tonight.” He gestured to me, arm almost scanning me up and down.

“Stop, you’ll make me blush.” I laughed. “You both head off, I’ll catch up.”

“Are you sure? We don’t mind waiting?” Y/F/N questioned.

“Don’t be silly. You guys go on ahead, I'll meet you there.”

With a nod and a wave, they were off. They really did look like a perfect match tonight. I continued to look at myself in the mirror, fixing any stray hairs, flattening any kinks in my dress. Realistically, I was probably trying to prolong leaving for as long as I could. I was excited, but I was turning up on my own while everyone else had someone, it was a bit nerve-wracking. I still wanted to look my best though.

“Stop trying to convince yourself that you look good, you could literally blow an army of men away by looks alone.” A voice spoke, I spun to see who was speaking, the flash of green was enough to decipher who it was.

“You look lovely tonight, darling.” He grinned, the pet name had set off butterflies in my stomach.

“Thank you. As do you.”

“Well, I did put in an effort, nice to know it’s appreciated.” He joked, a breathy laugh left my lips, entertained by his words.

“Yes, well, I'm sure plenty of others will too.”

“The eyes will never leave me, I'm sure. Unless they’re on you, then I'd be surprised if I get even so much as a glimpse in my direction. Someone is a very lucky guy tonight, that’s for sure.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked, confused by his statement.

“Well, they get to be beside you all evening, it’s a beautiful view.” He winked.

It could’ve been you, I thought. I knew he was joking, however that didn’t stop the fire in me from igniting.

“I could say the same for you, someone is a very lucky girl.”

“I’ll be sure to let her know if she ever thinks otherwise.” Joking, again.

So he had asked someone. Albeit disappointed, I'm happy he’s happy. Though I still wish I was the girl in question, I couldn't stop him if he was interested in someone else. That wasn’t fair.

Giving him a brief nod and a tight lipped smile, I picked up the front of my dress a little bit and made my way out of the room and downstairs to the ball. I could still enjoy myself, the night is young, I've got this.

------------------

“It was crazy! And let me tell you, my dad was so angry with me. He didn’t let me serve Turkey again after that year.” Charlie, a guy that I had met an hour or so ago, finished his story of the Christmas horror he had, allowing me to relax for the first time that evening. Up until now, it had felt like all I’d seen was either happy couples, or stares from across the room. Usually the second and usually Loki. The same Loki who had a girl’s arm linked with his and was looking at him like he held the world in his grasp. I broke the gaze, finding it difficult to look at the pair for any longer, as I turned back to Charlie so he could have my attention again, a lazy smile was present as he took a sip of his wine.

“I don’t blame him, really, it sounds like you started a riot!” I exclaimed, sending us both into a full on belly laugh, thinking back to the story. This continued for another five or so minutes, laughter turning into a low chuckle, as if we were about to be told off for how loud we were being. Just as my hand had reached his arm to help hold me up, saving me from laughing myself into the ground, Loki and his date had made their way over.

“Enjoying ourselves, I hope?” He beamed, taking one look at me before giving his full attention to Charlie.

“Yes, yes we are, thank you. How about the two of you?”

“Ye-”

“It’s been fine, yeah, good. So, what’s your name then?” Loki interrupted, his date having no choice but to leave him to respond instead.

“I’m Charlie Fernsby.” He held his hand out, greeting Loki. A gesture that was very awkwardly not reciprocated as he let his hand fall back to his side before Loki spoke up again.

“Charlie..Charlie, now, isn’t that a girl’s name?”

“Loki!” I scolded, giving him an evil side glance, what was he doing?

“No, no it’s okay. Yeah, it can be used for girls too, but it's common for boys to have the name Charlie.” Polite as ever, he responded. A mischievous look made its way onto the God’s face. Oh no.

“So, I take it your parents wanted a girl?”

“I- I’m sorry?”

“I assume your parents wanted a girl, considering they’ve given you a girl’s name?” I rolled my eyes, this teasing was unnecessary.

“Charlie, let’s go and get a drink.” I tried to tug him away, only to be halted by another sentence leaving my best friend’s mouth.

“It was only a question, I'm sure he doesn’t mind answering, do you Carl?”

“Charlie.”

“That’s what I said.”

“You said-” I tried to interject, but he was quick to stop me

“I know what I said, Y/N, but I'm speaking to him. Let him answer the question.”

Loki’s date was long gone by now, she’d left to speak to another group of people, presumably another few couples, leaving us three to have this discussion, thing, whatever you would think to call it.

“I’m just saying, maybe they would’ve preferred a daughter, seeing as they’ve very obviously made that clear.” He beamed, expecting me to join in and agree with him, I don’t find this funny. At all.

“Can you excuse us, Charlie? Loki, A word.” I pointed to the door, giving him a look implying for him not to test me.

“I’m in trouble. Wish me luck Carlos.”

“Charlie.”

“I know, that’s what I said.”

I pushed him all the way out the door, into the hallway and round the corner so as not to disturb everyone else’s evening. When I’d made sure there was no one else around, I looked up at the Asgardian, my arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed, I wasn’t impressed anymore.

“So, are we out here for some hide or seek, or?”

“What the hell was that in there?!” I raised my voice slightly, his need to always make everything a joke wasn’t working this time. He had his night, his date, he didn’t need to come over and insult mine.

“What was what, darling? I was making conversation.”

“You were making fun of him.”

“No, I showed some concern about his parents choices, that’s all. Friendly advice if anything.” He looked a bit more frustrated with me now, as though he was stating the obvious and it was going over my head. I wasn’t having it this time.

“No, Loki. You weren’t and you know you weren’t. You had your date, she was fine, you were fine-”

“Well-”

“Let me finish. Everything was fine. Until you caught sight of me having a friendly conversation with another guy who wasn’t you. But guess what Lok, I’m allowed to do that! I’m an adult, I can speak with whoever I like!” My arms were all over the place now, my frustration was starting to show itself, it seems I had a bit pent up.

I saw his lips move, I heard something, but it was so quiet I couldn't make it out.

“Speak up, Loki. I can’t hear you.”

“I said, if you think he was just being friendly, you’re clearly out of your mind.”

Is he serious?

“Are you- Loki, you have no right to make a judgement on who and how and why I interact with other people. Not that it should matter to you anyway, you’ve spoken to other women before and I've never said a word or tried to stop you. Why does this matter so much?”

Silence.

“No, please, go on, tell me, enlighten me as to why this bothered you so much tonight, because trust me, I'm dying to know, truly.” I was shouting now, I just wanted answers for his behaviour, I didn’t think it would be this difficult.

His hands had made his way into his trouser pockets, eyes looking everywhere before settling on mine. He looked conflicted, I wanted to drop it when I saw his troubled gaze, but I couldn’t go back in there without an explanation.

“Ple-”

“I like you, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear, love? That I was so uncomfortable seeing some you get close with some guy that I had to embarrass him in front of you? Something I'm sure my father won’t be so impressed to hear, but there, you’ve got your confession.” His voice had gone much louder than mine, taking me by surprise, so much so that it took me a minute to process what he had said. He liked me?

He turned to leave, I assume because I hadn't said anything for a matter of minutes, but I gently grabbed his arm, tugging him back towards me. I looked up into his eyes again. I was so close that you could see the specs of different colours spotted in them, they were flawless. This view beats the Asgard view anyday.

“Why didn’t you mention this before?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know. Worried I guess. We’d never spoken of moving past friendship and I didn’t think you’d be interested.”

“I’m more than interested, Loki.” I grinned, my smile meeting my eyes, never leaving his.

“Not Chelsey?”

“For the love, it’s Ch-”

I couldn’t say his name, a certain pair of lips had stopped me from doing so. As they molded against mine, my hands went up to tangle themselves in his hair, his hands falling to my waist and pulling me closer, I didn’t even think that could be possible. We pulled away when we needed to catch a breath, foreheads falling against each other, smiles painted on both of our faces.

“I bet I'll be in your dreams again tonight.” He whispered.

“I bet I'll be in yours.”

“Always are, Darling. Always are.”

taglist: @horrorxweasley

[jimines]

Whats actually happened between you and taemaknae? I read about it on the tea blog and still confused

This is an insanely long story so I'm going to put it below the cut so for anyone interested in this absolute shit show, continue on.

Essentially, I posted these headers about a month ago:

It was a set of like 8 colours and it was the first time I had ever posted any headers or anything. The issue nic had with these, was the ripped paper bottom. Because apparently you can trademark that. I had asked a (now ex) “friend” of mine if she knew where I could find the ripped paper effect because I had seen the effect on the header of her network blog and I had been trying to find a similar thing for months and google images never gave me anything good. She ended up referring me to google images anyways and after like an hour of dedicated searching, I found this ripped paper effect and used it. This ex “friend” went on to tell another friend of mine that I had "asked where nicole gets her resources for her headers" and then screenshotted my dm as "proof", which still confuses me because I never mentioned nicole there lmao. I've seen the screenshot.

Tell me where I said nicole. It was literally just a question born from seeing the header they had on their network lmao. I feel it’s important to mention I didn’t know this person ran said network at that time, which is why i said “these people”.

This other friend then came to me and just said my headers "may be seen as similar to nic's” and said she noticed it on her own and never mentioned my other “friend” approaching her. I was confused because other than that ripped paper effect that I know many people on tumblr use, I saw no similarities. Nic's headers are usually more complex and more than just a coloured background with a little effect in it. I just wanted to make some simple headers for fun because I was bored. But, regardless, I messaged nic about it to make sure she didn't feel the same way. I told her a friend of mine was worried nic might think my headers are similar to her's and I assured her that if she found them similar I would take them down, no questions asked. Nic told me she was surprised this friend brought it up and told me that it was entirely up to me if I found the headers similar. She never once told me she felt they were the same, never mentioned anything about them, she insisted it was up to me to do as I pleased. So, since I genuinely found no similarities, I left them up.

About a week went by and things between nic and I were fine, or so I thought, based off the fact that she was interacting with my posts, sending me cute asks and replying to a lot of my comments and stuff being kind and whatnot. Then, I decided to post a small list of my creations and the series I had running at the time. 

After that, all of a sudden I got an influx of rude hate anons:

To anyone I mentioned the anons to, they agreed with me, you cannot trademark circular icons. This anon also accused me saying “just the fact that you had an anxiety attack about it proves you copied them” Like no sweetie, it’s called three strangers walked into my house and I got anxious.

Despite me not seeing the issue, I messaged nic, assuming she wouldn't care about the icons (it wasn't like I was taking her exact work and copying and pasting them as my own) and that made her very upset. When she responded to me, she was incredibly heated and gave off the vibe she was waiting for me to message her about it. 

She said things like "this has actually been bothering me for a while", "i expected you to be able to read between the lines and delete the headers", "i don't know who that anon was but clearly they recognize my style". For starters, she never told me that she was annoyed with me, she was being very kind to me publicly. And I have no idea how I was meant to “read between the lines” of what she said especially considering how kind she was to me the following days. I also never accused her of knowing this anon, she just insisted it wasn't her and she didn't know them right off the bat. She also insinuated that I copied my gifs from others as well, which ticked me off because I made my 100+ layer psd myself thank you very much. But I kept my cool, and I told her I had no idea she felt the way she did, and I told her I would delete the headers (which i did as the conversation was going on), and that I would stop posting my icons and bringing attention to them because no one ever paid it any mind before that point. And I asked her “please tell me straight up the next time you have an issue with me because I am generally pretty dumb with social cues”, I have my adhd to thank for that. And instead of replying, she just blocked me. And conveniently, the hate anons stopped dead right after we blocked each other and I haven't received any since.

Also, these are the kinds of icons I posted:

Looks pretty generic and idk, universal, right?

Then, as I've recently found out today, she was in an "anti-loverjimin" groupchat with at least 2 other bloggers. 

Which explains why this all went and fell into place. I know who the two other bloggers are because of what happened two days later but I won't name them just yet, but these two people had been "friends" with me for several months. So, a day or two after nic blocked me, all of a sudden some good friends of mine were blocking me and not talking to me when I asked what was going on. I found out soon after it was because nicole and those two now ex “friends” of mine had taken old dms I sent them and were showing them to people. And I will go into detail about them but I won't name the people they are about for privacy reasons.

Before I move on, to clarify some lies nic has been spreading about me, I never once shit talked nicole to my friends. One of these ex friends also said I was trying to get people on my side. I would have reacted to this all very very differently if that were the case. I would be dragging everyone through the fucking dirt but I don't get off on drama or micromanaging what my mutuals do. My issues are with these people, if you're still friends with them that's your decision i could not care less. So, back to it, the only thing I said about nic was that she and I had a stupid small fight over icons and that she was spreading lies about me, based off of what nic said to jordan.

That exact message, or slight variations of it, was sent to anyone I interacted with because I didn't know if nic was going to stop at jordan or try and get to everyone I fucking knew lmao. Some of the people I messaged this to told ME nic had done this kind of thing before, that she has sent hate anons, launched hate campaigns, cancelled people, etc. Over stupid shit like icons lmao.

Here are some responses I received after I mentioned nicole:

And nic or one of her friends also took it upon themselves to send anons to that tea blog to blow shit up and named everyone and made it an even bigger mess when they saw no one was actively trying to fight me after the dms got out. 

I also love that in this following ask, they named my two “friends” that were behind the whole dm drama and backstabbed me, as well as two other people I never badmouthed, that story was twisted. But we’ll get into those details shortly.

And she also told people I clout chased big blogs and only cared about notes. At one point, yes, I did care a lot about my statistics. However, never once did I think clout chasing was worth my fucking time or energy, Nic is the biggest clout chaser on this damn site and there are receipts of that, ask jordan lmao. And I couldn’t give two shits about my statistics anymore lmao, much less anxiety that way. Do I still crave validation sometimes? Sure. But it's not a driving force of my tumblr experience like it used to be.

But, moving on to the dms, the first one was sent when I first came back to tumblr full-time and didn't understand why people self reblogged things, I found the pretence of self reblogging annoying and greedy and I complained about it and it was a comment fuelled by two bloggers that i would see sr a lot on my dash. But I never thought THEY were annoying, as these people are saying I did, it was self reblogging I found annoying and as you can see I have come to understand why people sr and I do it myself too. I didn't even know these two bloggers at this time either. That dm was cropped to hide the fact that this "friend" agreed with me and hid the date as well so it seemed recent, and was sent to one of the bloggers I mentioned as an example, someone I had since become good friends with. 

I didn’t befriend one of the people I mentioned there until mid to late June. That friendship is now over thanks to this drama and all the lies. The second friend of mine they went after was never spoken about in dms, they went and turned her against me through lies and manipulation so that friendship has ended too. And while those two were doing that, nic went off to try and turn jordan against me.

There was a particular user on here that I did say some nasty things about but we weren't friends, as many people have been made to believe. I was particularly mad at this person in those dms and was hurtful, I admit, and I have since apologized and owned up to all of it to these people. I did call them fake and/or two-faced. 

And what in the gassing me up bullshit was their response though lmao. I also sent this following dm before I even talked about the issue with this person. They urged me to continue and to name drop the person, and I stupidly thought they were trustworthy.

My reasoning for what I said wasn't unwarranted though, I don't make a habit of going around shit-talking people, unless they do something to me first. I vent when I am upset and this person had sent me a passive aggressive ask and then denied sending it when I asked and I thought that was just very fake, especially since she was so kind to me in dms before the ask came in. But all of these dms were cropped too to hide timestamps and responses, and in most cases, like those screenshots prove, these "friends" either gassed me up or egged me on to continue ranting or to name the people i was mad at and they had agreed with me on several, several occasions. Turns out they were trying to get dirt on me to use in their cancel campaign. But the point is, nic has made me out to be this horrible person that befriends "big blogs" (an overrated statement) and then shit talks them behind their back without remorse. Yet it was one person I said rude things about and I, again, owned up to it all and apologized to them the first day. I would've done it sooner had I a) remembered feeling the way I did all those months ago or remembered the dms themselves or b) felt that way still after meeting them. But neither is the case.

I find it really amusing though that these people wanted things to be kept quiet and didn’t want anyone they spoke to to talk to me about it because I was going to “out them on my blog” and “make a big scene”, then they three went and made it a big fucking scene and ruined my friendships. I’m familiar with this pattern of manipulation as it has happened to me in real life before and it’s the most childish bullshit to witness.

Before this callout day for nic, I had never once been directly rude to or about her, same goes for those ex “friends” that betrayed my trust and friendship. The fact that they plotted against me in a group chat while still actively talking to me and being all buddy buddy is just disgusting. Both of them were talking to me that day at the same time they were sharing the dms and shit-talking me to my friends. But yeah, that's my side, the untwisted side, of the whole story. I tried to be mature and talk to nic and when I didn't do what she wanted me to do, she blocked me and launched the hate campaign with dms and the power of photoshop. I’ve been hesitant to make any of this public because it was meant to be a silent ordeal but I’ve grown tired of her constantly publicizing everything without consequence while I remain silent like I promised.

[meher-sumedha]

Gwynriel Headcanon - Leaving the summer court.

Azriel's POV

Yes besties, it's time to leave the summer court.

Azriel picked up Gwyn and rushed inside the huge mansion, Tarquin in front of him leading the way.

Will she be alright? Is it my fault? Is she safe with me? Just please be alright.

Millions of thoughts were running through Azriel's head but the main one was, I didn't get a chance.

He took her to the medical room where the doctor had to literally shoo them out and heal Gwyn. He couldn't stop his racing heart. Couldn't stop pacing across the floor. Was this the last time he had ever heard her say, I never yield.

It was not. He wouldn't believe they. Couldn't. To even consider the fact when he might not see her beautiful eyes or her smile or hear her laugh, was too painful.

After what felt like an eternity, the medic came out of the room. "She's alright, I had to give her a few painkillers and they may have some side effects" The medic told them.

"Is she awake?" Azriel asked. "Yes, you can go back inside if you want, but not more than two people" The doctor didn't even finish replying that Azriel ran inside the room. That water poodle followed him.

"Heyyy" Gwyn said, her voice light and cheery. Azriel went and knelt beside her right side. "Are you okay?" Worry shown in his eyes and features.

"Of course I am" Gwyn said droopily and started touching his face. What the hell was going on with her?

"Gwyn are you okay?" The poodle asked. I'm gonna kill this son of a bitch.

"Yeahhh, I'm okay, why are you both being such buzzkills? Her gazed turn to Tarquin. Drunk. She was definitely drunk.

"What the hell did your medic give her?" Azriel asked Tarquin. "That medic is the most advanced medic in the Summer Court, she told us that she had given her a painkiller and it might have some side effects" Tarquin said.

Gwyn started playing with Azriel's lips. Running her hand all over them. Plumping them, pushing them together and whatnot. Amusement shown clear in his eyes.

"You have nice lips, they're very soft" Gwyn said and started giggling. Azriel couldn't hide the sense of proudness that arose in his chest.

"How do you even know that? You have never kissed him" Tarquin said sulkily. Azriel smirked but Gwyn removed her hands from his face, which upset him.

"Is someone jealous? " Gwyn said and turned away from Azriel and towards Tarquin. She started giggling. Tarquin smiled and said, "No, I'm not", "sure doesn't seem like it" Gwyn said and Tarquin chuckled quietly.

"Come here" She said to Tarquin and started flapping her hands like a baby. Tarquin followed, amusement shown clearly in his eyes. He put his face in Gwyn's hands. Gwyn started playing with his hair, "You have nice hair".

Oh no she didn't. This statement immediately sent a pang of jealousy in his chest. A HUUGE pang.

"My hair's nice too" Azriel said, knowing he sounded like a child to get Gwyn's attention. "Well you never come close to me so I don't know how your hair is like."

"Well you can touch it now" Azriel said desperately, he wasn't going to let a mud puddle win. Gwyn turned her attention to him and Tarquin huffed. "Come here" Gwyn said and Azriel did that. She propped herself up now.

"Come closer" She told him and he did. His face was directly in front of hers now. "No need to be so uncomfortable dumbass, lie on me" Gwyn said. Azriel followed obediently.

He lied down on her, putting his support on his elbows so he doesn't crush her with his weight. His face was directly in front of her stomach.

Gwyn took Azriel's face with one hand and started stroking his hair with the other. "You're right, you have very nice hair" Gwyn said and kept playing with his hair.

This little statement made him feel like a little boy. A little boy who was appreciated for a little drawing he had made. He loved the feeling.

After a few quiet hours, Gwyn decided to fall asleep, her back on the headboard and with Azriel still in her lap. He too slept with her and woke up after a few hours. He looked around and saw Tarquin sleeping on a nearby sofa.

He suddenly got a message from Rhys in his mind, which made him pick up Gwyn and leave without hesitation.

Beron has the book.

A/N : Hey besties, hope you liked this small chapter. Tomorrow I'm going on a trip so you will be getting multiple updates. Also I forgot to add the tags lol. I just added them.

Tag List : @trashforazriel @katiebellf @imsointobooks @positivewitch @shisingh @hlizr50

[weirdcanucks]

Highlighting Canucks Podcasts #2 - Area 51 Hockey Podcast

Here is an excerpt from Area 51 Hockey Podcast in which guest Brock McGillis discussed in length about the concrete steps to change hockey culture. I transcribed this powerful message. Listen to the full episode where McGillis shared his journey from closeted goaltender in OHL, to the verge of suicide, to becoming an influential advocate for the LGBTQ+ community here 🎧[x]

Sam If Hockey Canada or any one of those leagues were to, say, hire you in the role that Kim Davis kind of has in the NHL, but with more concrete actions than I think Davis has been able to do in the NHL, what what are kind of the first things you would do in that role?

Brock McGillis I would recognize all the issues. I think that is the first step. You need to recognize all the issues. And in terms of social issues and why they exist. And I've already thought this all through, and I know them all. Hockey is incredibly insular, arguably of all sports, maybe the most insular. And let's keep it to male team sports for now. Most sports are played at schools. Hockey is not. Even school teams don't play at school. Hockey is played when you sent off to arenas, when you're isolated in arenas. And then if we take like elite hockey, let's say you're matched up based off your age group. So from the age of 7, through the age of 15, you're with essentially the same kids six nights a week for eight or nine months of the year. And with the same coaches in a room who came from the same culture. And you're together there more than you are with your family, than anywhere else besides maybe school. And even at school, most of them go to school together and hang out with hockey players at school. So you have this insular environment and the way the culture is set up right now, they tend to majority come from similar socioeconomic backgrounds, are predominantly white. They are presumed to be straight and all these things. So let's just take that. So from the age of seven, you start talking the same walking, the same dressing, same because you're around each other so much. And we've known society people become products of their environment.

So you grew up, then by the time you hit 16, you moved away from home. I don't know any other sports where that happens. You are that young. So you move away from home or as consistently as in hockey. You move to this new community with 22 other hockey players who have moved away from home into this community and each other essentially. And now you're together seven days a week and you're out the arena even longer. And then you're traveling around the province or whatnot, northern the United States or in the WHL across multiple provinces. And you're together all the time. So once again, that culture of the language you use, the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you act... you're going to start to mimic each other. It's normal and it influences the older players, influences the younger players, just like in minor hockey. The culture is continuously copied and the cycle is vicious. And they're also influenced by the coaches who came from the same culture and management who talk the same way, dress the same way, act the same way, etc. Then once they hit like Junior and whatnot, they go home in their off season. And who are they going to hang out with? Their buddies they grew up with. And the only people they really spent time with are the hockey players they've hung out with since they were seven. And they're going to train for hockey, then go back and do it again the next year. And it's over and over and over. That's the reason why they're not exposed to anything else. And they're taught put your head down, worry about hockey. You're not allowed to have hobbies. It's very conformist. You're not allowed to enjoy anything else besides hockey. And in locker rooms, all you can talk about are partying girls and hockey when you're a teenager. So you have that aspect. OK. So that's kind of the root reason why this exists. And then you see the social issues are the biggest problems and hurdles in hockey culture.

OK, to recognize each one. And then what do you do? In my opinion, you start off by humanizing them. We're seeing society right now through the Black Lives Matter movement that even hockey players are speaking out publicly. Something that they kind of knew existed but didn't know because players probably didn't say how racist the sport and culture is to them, because they have either conformed or afraid to, in a sense don't really speak out on matters because then they are "the other" and they are seen as different. So they kind of have to fly under the radar. Same as being gay. But we're seeing in society that when things have been humanized for these players, they've spoken on it. So you need to humanize it, and I think the easiest way to humanize these things are taking hockey people who have the lived experience within the sport to humanize it. I'm very fortunate that I am masculine presenting, I am cis gender, I am a white man who happens to be gay that grew up in hockey culture and also worked in hockey culture afterwards. So I can infiltrate that culture very easily. And so when I go into a room and speak to players, it may have and it's sad to say, but it's just reality, a little more impact than somebody who's never been in the culture trying to talk about being gay in hockey, and the impact of being gay in society and the language we use and and whatnot. So we need people with the lived experience within it, who understand it, to humanize the issues for the masses within the sport and for the parents and for the coaches. Because then once it's humanized, hockey people are softies. They act like these tough, rugged, hypermasculine men, but they're actually real soft. And you can tug at their heartstrings and you can pull at them a little bit. And when you do, they become more engaged. They'll be willing to learn. You just got to teach them why they need to learn.

And we haven't done that, so that would be my first step. And then from there and take educators like Courtney, educators like Cheryl MacDonald, like, there's so many out there who study the different areas within the sport of hockey. And they're not utilized. They're not utilized by the culture. And it's so foolish to me that we have people in Canada who study this stuff for a living and are the best in their fields. And hockey isn't utilizing them? So from there, after you humanize the issue, you have academics that can put the programs together in a manner because they've been in the culture that people will relate to it, want to learn it and be a part of it, instead these stupid videos.

Then once we've done that, we have to break the conformity of the sport. So one exercise I do when I go into locker room after humanized through my story, my struggle and how I empowered myself, et cetera. I do a little breakout where I will try and break the conformity by saying, "OK, you tell me that you're going to fight together and you're there for each other. They're your bros. Yet all you're allowed to talk about are women, partying and sports. Share something with me you wouldn't typically tell a teammate that you enjoy." So I started thinking about it and I did a podcast with Ben Fanelli and Ben's really insightful guy. You should read his story sometime, if you don't know. It's pretty fascinating. And I said "Ben could imagine being in a locker room and reading a book for fun?" He's like, "oh my God, you'd be harassed." And like, “yeah, you'd be the fag.” He goes, "Yeah." And I start thinking about Dougie Hamilton. Dougie Hamilton is a six foot five defenseman who can skate, and he's a right handed shot, that should be every team's dream. He is a point per game defenseman in the NHL. He's been traded twice because he can't fit into the culture, because instead of going for beers and drinking and partying and all that, he enjoys reading. He enjoys museums. He loves history and art. Like when did knowledge and the pursuit of knowledge become a bad thing? But it is in this culture, which is one of the issues, which is why everyone's so fearful of allowing people like myself in, allowing the academics in, or allowing anyone else in to shift it. Because then where's their place? Right? So you need to break down those barriers of culture. So one time I went into, I had a player, say, a major junior team, a tough guy, stood up and said, "I love writing poetry." Then another kid stood up and said, "if I don't make the NHL, I want to be a zoologist." Then a first year player literally jumped out of his seat and said, "I love animal documentaries." And the coach stood up and said, "I love Broadway musicals. And my wife and I go to them every summer." Now they're bonding on a deeper level. Now, hopefully, if that continues, at some point, they can stand up and proudly talk about being Muslim in a locker room. Then the gay kid could stand up and say, I have a boyfriend, and we stop judging people for their differences and recognize we're all different. But we've conformed to a culture, because I know, personally, I can walk into any mall in Canada and I will tell you which kids play hockey. I go to school, as part of my speaking is going to schools because I am passionate about shifting culture within youth, because I think it's the only way we're going to ever fix things. And we saw it with the zoomers in Trump's rally the other day. It's phenomenal. But I think they're the ones who are going to fix humanity. And I actually ask questions. And when I do, I intentionally pick out the kids I know are hockey players, because I can tell looking at them and I go "you play hockey, right?” And they say, "yeah."

Then from there we have to put in better systems to evaluate coaches. Teachers have to go to school for how long to become a teacher to work with children. But these coaches spend as much, if not more time, and they take a little course online, like really? And they're influencing society and future generations? We have to invest more in the system we put in place or evaluating them. We should have people that are third party on each team, to ensure that nothing is done out of line with the coaches and we have to continue engaging with them and teaching them, because this can be more difficult for them because they're older. And they've been ingrained in this culture. Or, in this culture longer, it's ingrained in them.

Then after that, put rules in. After that, put punishments in. And suspension or fine is not gonna do anything. All you're doing is telling them just shut up so it won't be as obvert. But it's still going to exist. The problems will still exist. At that point, they should have to sit down with people either within the culture or the academics and do deeper dives into why this is happening and sit down with the parents and find out why they're making comments like this. Like I saw a video recently of Tony DeAngelo and and how his father said, "yeah, I said the same stuff." Well, we should sit down and help educate them so this doesn't exist any longer, instead of just a five games suspension and then they're back, and all of a sudden they're saying worse things. Or, for that matter, most of the time the suspensions aren't even called because referees and officials don't want to ruin kid's career and don't want to get this kid labeled or they may be homophobic, racist, sexist themselves. So they don't call it.

And so the whole culture has to be reformed. And I think those are the steps in reforming it. And if you do punishment first, which has been done or any leagues will argue they do. It doesn't work. It doesn't work! I've been looking at this every day for four years. And this is the only path I see the shifting in it. And it seems it's doable. Why wouldn't it be? They charge thousands and thousands of dollars. You can't put money towards this? And investing in people's futures?

[gotboredwrote]

I’ll Keep You Alive // RMT

Pairing: Roger Taylor x Fem!Reader Word Count: 4.5K Style: One-Shot Warnings: Medical discussions including seasonal allergies/appendicitis (w/blood added in), angst, fluff, swearing Summary: Just because he’s in a band that’s doing really well doesn’t mean Roger doesn’t care about what he used to study. No, he doesn’t want to be a dentist, but he still remembers a bunch of stuff from his biology studies. Little does he know, he would be putting it to use on tour. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: Request/idea from @bensrhapsody, but changed a little bit to better fit what I feel comfortable writing (I got permission, don’t worry). Also, I have her to thank for the title partially as well because I’m a dumb dumb who can write the story but not the title. Never written for Roger before, so hopefully this is up all your alley’s, Roger-stans! (#dontcomeaftermeifitsbad #please #rememberimadeakybabe)

Masterlist

~

Being a roadie had its perks, sure. For one, you got to get close and personal to bands that you otherwise would never be able to afford to see live. Among other things, you got to travel the world, get in shape from moving around so much, and you got paid to top it all off. Not such a bad gig, if you were the one being asked. You had gone on one tour with Queen before, and they liked you enough to ask you to come back for a second one. Of course you took the job, it was never a dull day around the four of them. They each had such distinct personalities, and despite being literal rock gods, all four were wildly smart. Each in different realms, too. Which came in handy from day to day. Brian could tell by the look of the night sky before if the weather was going to be good or bad, John could always help with any tech that broke or malfunctioned, Freddie was a jack-of-all-trades kind of guy, so he helped out where he could, and if anyone was ever not feeling good, Roger could usually tell them what they needed to feel better easily, cheaply, and quickly. You hated feeling like a bother, but one day, you seriously needed Roger’s help, because you feared for your life.

~

[flashback start]

You knew first hand that Roger was really good at helping people get better when they fell ill. On the first tour you went with them, your allergies started kicking in towards the end of the tour, considering it ended in April that year. You were almost debilitated because your body was taking in new pollens and whatnot that it was not used to defending off. Your body was trying its best, but in the end, it was futile because you fell ill anyway. To top it all off, you forgot to pack your usual allergy medication, so you had nothing to help you fend off the sneezing and coughing. Obviously, you really could not hide being sick. Someone will pick up on it, whether the tone of your voice is one octave lower than usual or they hear you sneeze six times in a row. One night, it got really bad, and you were having choking fits every single time you came close to drifting into a slumber, promptly waking you up. Little did you know, you were loud enough to wake up the bandmate on one side of you, and someone from the costume department on the other side of you. The costume designer just checked up on you in the morning, not really thinking anything of the noises coming from your body. The bandmate felt differently. You coughed out of surprise when you heard someone knocking at your door at almost 2:00 in the morning. Slowly, you crawled out of bed, tossing a throw blanket around your shoulders because you felt cold to the touch despite your body breaking out in a sweat. When you got to the door and looked through the peephole, you saw a rat’s nest of blonde locks going in every single direction, leaning up sideways against the door. Before moving your hand to the handle, you knocked quietly to signal to Roger that you were going to open the door so he would not fall sideways into your room. When you looked back through the peephole, hand now on the handle, he had gotten your message and was standing facing the door. You lightly pulled it open, grimacing slightly at the bright lights of the hotel hallway.

“Hi, Roger. Why are you awake?”

“It’s your fault, love. I’m right next to you and I can hear you hacking up a bloody storm.”

“I’m sorry, Roger, it’s just my fucking allergies.”

“You sure? It sounds worse than that.” As if on cue, you hunched over into what felt like the four hundredth cough attack that night, and when you finally stopped, your breathing had turned into wheezing.

“Alright, go sit on your bed, I’ll be right back. I’ll prop the door open so you don’t have to get back up.”

Before you could ask him why he was leaving already, he was out the door, so you just trudged over to your bed, plopping down on it making it bounce lightly and squeak quietly. You were only alone for about fifteen seconds and then Roger came back in, holding a medium-sized black make-up bag. He shut your door and walked over to stand in front of your bedside table.

“Roger, I’m not sure what they taught you in biology school, but make-up is not going to make me feel better.”

“Oi, shut it. Want my help or not, Miss Sarcasm?” He spoke through a smug smile.

“Fine, yeah I want your help. What do you need from me?”

“First, I need you to tell me you trust me.”

“What? Why?”

“Are you really going to make me explain why?”

“Um, yeah. You can’t just say that and make me not be concerned about trusting you.”

“Fine. Basically, on a previous tour, one of the roadies, her name was Maria, got really sick. Like, caught the bad flu strain that was going around that year. I offered to help her by giving her some medication for the nausea and lightheadedness, stuff you can get over-the-counter, but she assumed I was going to drug her. She came about one piece of paperwork away from filing a lawsuit against me and the band. I really don’t want to go through that again when all I’m trying to do is be a nice person.”

“You know, for a drummer in a rock band, you’re pretty eloquent and thoughtful, Roger Taylor.”

“…um…”

“That’s my way of saying I trust you.”

You could hear him breathe out a sigh of relief, probably a combination of knowing he was not going to get sued as well as not having to hear you cough for much longer. He asked you to tell him what all was happening with you so he could see if he had any medication that would cover most of your symptoms. Turns out, everything you described really was just severe seasonal allergies, and he happened to have a stronger allergy medication than what you normally took. He just told you to keep the bottle and use them at your discretion. Follow the instructions on the bottle and you should be good as new within a few days.

“Thanks, Roger. You didn’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know that. But at least this way we both get some sleep, eh? I’ll let myself out. See you tomorrow, love.”

“Goodnight, Roger.”

[flashback end]

If only what you were currently dealing with felt like seasonal allergies. It was not even allergy season, it was the end of November. And the tour had just started less than a month prior. At first, you assumed that you were just having back muscle spasms. You had never experienced them before, so you just guessed this is what they felt like. When the pain first started, it started on your lower right side, and just felt like you pulled something. It went away after a few minutes and you never thought anything of it. Then it happened again, but a little bit more forceful.

“Jesus, is this what contractions are like? Count me out for that.”

Trying to make a funny situation out of the pain you were feeling was not really the smartest plan of action, but it was the only one you could come up with at the moment. The pain kept coming in waves, and each wave was worse than before. Eventually, after a few hours of dealing with the pain on your own, it stopped. Out of thin air, it just went away. Normally, that would be the kind of thing to make a person do a double take and ask themselves ‘what is going on?’ Not you, though, you were just thrilled that the imaginary back contractions were over and done with. Moving on with your day, showtime nearing, you kept doing your job, exchanging words with other roadies and the band here and there. Not once feeling uncomfortable again. You watched the show, and for the first time in four shows, nothing went wrong. All the electronics performed the way they were supposed to, Brian did not snap any strings, nor did John, and Freddie managed to keep his mic stand in once piece. Roger threw a drumstick during a particularly fast song, but you had gifted him a cup to put on his drum kit so he could keep spares in there to grab in case of such an event. It came in handy more often than he would like to admit. After the show, you congratulated the boys on another performance well done, and proceeded to travel back to your hotel room. You guys did not have to travel tonight because they had two sold out shows in a row at the venue they were at, so it was nice to have an actual bed for once. This time around though, you were on a floor that was just crew members. All the band members had rooms on the floor above you guys. Not that any of you minded, it was not like you had a reason to mind. Around three in the morning, you awoke to the feeling of those strange back contraction pains again, this time accompanied by some serious chills. Then you felt it – the pit of your stomach dropped, and you were over the hotel toilet in record time. Initially you thought that maybe this was how your body handled food poisoning, considering you had never had that before. Then you looked at what had come out of you. Bloody.

~

“Roger…Roger?”

You were dragging yourself up the stairwell and down the hallway to his room, calling out to him hoarsely. You knew that he would never have heard you, but you tried, nonetheless. You got to his door, knocked once, and then collapsed on the floor. Startled, Roger shot straight up in bed and sprinted to the door, only in his underwear but not caring. When he opened the door, your head fell flat onto his floor, and he could hear the strangled moans coming from your throat. He could also see the sweat pooling on your forehead, a small bit of dried blood and vomit on the corner of your mouth, and how you were hunched over in the fetal position clutching your stomach.

“Roger…it hurts so much.”

He did not even say a word. He ran over to his hotel phone, and you could barely hear him utter the address of the hotel before you passed out. The next thing you knew, you were woken up by the feeling of an IV going in your arm, as well as the feeling of a moving vehicle. An ambulance. How did you get here? Why was Roger looking at you like that? Then the waves of pain struck you again, and you remembered everything that had happened not thirty minutes prior.

“Oh…God…”

“Ms. Y/L/N, please try not to talk or move, we are trying to prepare you for emergency surgery as soon as we get to the hospital.”

“Emer…gency… surgery? For… for what?”

“Relax, love. You’re gonna be fine.” Roger’s voice broke through all the beeping and liquids sloshing around, grounding you in the scary situation. “I’m just glad you came and got me when you did.” You could feel his hand clamped around yours, sweaty. “I may know how to help with allergies, but this is out of my area of expertise, love.”

“Roger…”

“Hush, love. Try to relax. We’re pulling into the hospital now. I’ll be right by your side when you wake up.”

You tried to respond, but you felt the general anesthesia hit you, and you were out like a light. Roger watched as they moved your body from an ambulance gurney to a hospital gurney and usher you down the hallway following the signs that said “OPERATING ROOM.” He followed you as far as he could, until a male nurse held his hand out flat in front of Roger, forcibly stopping his movement and almost knocking the wind out of him.

“What the fuck mate—”

“Sorry, sir, you can’t go further than this. Please wait in that waiting room right over there. I’ll be sure to have a surgeon assistant come update you throughout the surgery.”

“But—”

“I’m sorry, sir, it’s hospital policy. If you could, please make your way over to the waiting area.”

Roger huffed angrily and full of worry, but did what the nurse told him to do. He sat down, seeing all the magazines and children’s games sitting on the tables in front of him. He was too distracted. He was terrified. The last time he knew someone who had to have emergency surgery did not make it out alive. Those two words strung together instantly usher a sense of panic into him that he does not have a way of controlling. The last thing he wanted was for you to not feel good in the first place, but having to sit face to face with the knowledge that you laying in a gurney could be the last image he saw of you was too much. He started to sob. Sobbed himself to sleep. The nurses just watched in pity.

~

“Sir?” Roger felt someone nudge at his shoulder, but he did not fully stir awake yet. “Sir?”

“Huh, what…”

“Sir, I just wanted to update you on the girl you came in with.”

Roger was brought back to reality when he fully opened his eyes. The bright white lights shining above him, the smell of cleanliness, and a lady in scrubs. A little bloody.

“Y/N?”

“Yes. We’re done the hard part. Her appendix has been removed successfully, before any serious rupturing happened. Some small ruptures here and there, but nothing major. Now all the doctor has to do is remove any fluid in her abdominal cavity and stitch her up. Once she’s finished, we will wheel her to recovery and bring you over to her as well. This should all happen within the next hour or so. Is that okay?”

“Yeah… yeah. Thanks for the update, I’m, uh, going to try to go back to sleep now.”

If he had not fallen into such a deep sleep, he would have had more to say. More questions for the nurse. But the nerves he had felt when he saw how broken you were earlier took all the energy out of him, and once he sat in something even the littlest bit comfortable, he passed right out. Just like you had when you hit the floor of his hotel room. Roger laid his head back down on the side of the chair, thinking of your smiling face as he drifted back into the land of sleep. Almost praying that he would get to see it again.

~

Like clockwork, the same nurse from earlier woke Roger up, this time less groggily, and she instructed him to follow her to the recovery area. Where you would be. The fact that he was actually walking there almost brought him to tears. He would get to see your smile again. When he was finally in the back, he saw that they had placed a chair next to your bed for him, with a few magazines. He was told that he would get to sit with you while you were still under the influence of the general anesthesia, but that you would be awake within twenty minutes. He nodded at the nurse, offering a quiet ‘thank you’ and proceeded to sit in the chair. Twenty minutes. He waited over two hours, surely, he could wait twenty minutes to hear your voice again. He could at least see you now, so… baby steps. He tossed the magazines to the floor after realizing that there was no way they could be more interesting than the woman lying in front of him. He scooted his chair forward so his knees were almost pressing against the side of your bed, and he laid his hand on what he assumed was your thigh based on your profile under the sheet. He lightly squeezed, and simultaneously the tears spilled from his eyes. Ones he did not realize were even threatening to fall, nor did he realize the reason for.

“Hi, love. I, uh… I don’t know why I’m bloody crying. But here we are. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you this time. I know you like coming to me for help when you don’t feel good, and… I feel like I just made you break your trust in me. I, uh…” Roger choked a little bit on his tears. It was not like you and him were the closest of friends. If he was being honest, there were other roadies he considered better friends than you. But for reasons outside of your control.

Then it hit him. Like a ton of bricks. There were the roadies whose names he did not know. There were the roadies who he was friends with, and the ones he had previously had a slight friends with benefits situation with. There were the roadies who made him angry. The ones who made him sad. There were the roadies he practically considered family because they had been with him since Smile. Most of these roadies, except for the ones from Smile, never came back for a second tour. Then there was you. You did not fit into any of those categories. He knew your name, he was friends with you, but not with benefits, you never made him angry or sad, you were not with him in his Smile days, and Roger was the one who wanted you to come on a second tour. You had created your own category. There was a roadie he loved.

“I need you to wake up, love. I… need to let you know that I’m gonna get you through this recovery. And that I am never going to let you get sick or hurt again, not under my watch. If you do, I’m going to make you better.”

“Is that a promise, Roger Taylor?”

The tears stopped at his head whipped in the direction of your quiet voice. Your eyes were still almost completely shut, but he could see you looking at him. His heart fluttered when he made eye contact with you, and the tears started up again.

“Yes, it’s a promise, love.”

“Good. Now, please go get me some ice chips, my throat feels like a vultures crotch (we love a borhap reference), and my stomach feels like an anvil landed on it and is somehow twisting it in all directions.”

“You got it, darling.”

~

You were allowed to be discharged the same day, so Roger carefully wheeled you to the taxi he called, and then slowly helped you to the elevator so he could bring you to his room.

“Roger, why aren’t you taking me to my room?”

“Didn’t I promise you that I would be taking care of you? Answering to all of your becking and calling?”

“Are you forgetting that you have a show to do?”

“And I will be helping you until the moment I have to walk onto stage, and the minute we are done, I’ll be right back here helping you.”

Roger carefully helped you lay back on his bed, almost tearing up at the sound of your groans from bending over. Once you were comfortable, with about fourteen pillows behind and surrounding you, he walked over to his phone and called room service.

“Hello, this is room 5667. I’d like to put in a request for the #6 dinner for two, and two pints of [your favorite ice cream {or other dessert if you are lactose intolerant} flavor] to be delivered ASAP. Name? Roger. Thank you.”

“Roger—”

“No words from you. I am eating dinner with you, and then I will be finding a movie for you to watch during the show to enjoy with your favorite dessert. And you cannot pay me, or try and get out of it.”

“If you insist.”

After dinner, Roger flitted about his room gathering up the things he would need to take to the show that he did not keep with the roadies, and you watched him move. Tons of people that you talked to, fans that did not realize that you worked for them, would air their thoughts on the man to you. ‘Such a womanizer!’ ‘A dirty cheater, the wanker.’ ‘Hot down to every single molecule, but not a good personality.’ At first, when you started working for them, you were afraid that they were going to be true. You thought he was going to be an asshole. And he could be. If he was truly mad. That was a very small percentage of the time, despite what people thought. All other times he was a big softie. Kind of melted your heart. Not in the ‘I have feelings for the drummer of a band’ kind of way, just at the fact that a human could be as kind and thoughtful as he was despite the bad boy nature he tried to present himself with. He stuck to your side like a golden retriever, and while you appreciated being doted on, it was a little bit funny seeing it be someone like Roger. You giggled to yourself at your thoughts.

“What’s so funny, darling?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. I promise.” You could not stop the wide grin from overtaking your features as you spoke.

“Nobody likes a liar, love. If it didn’t run the risk of popping your stitches, I would be all over you, tickling you to get the answer from you.” Very golden retriever like, that’s for damn sure.

“Okay, okay. If you must know, I was just thinking about how different you really are from the image you present yourself with.”

“Explain?”

“You present yourself as the bad boy drummer that all the girls go crazy for. And I won’t be the person who denies that it has worked for you, in more ways than one, more than once. But I’ve seen you in more situations than band ones. I’ve seen you when you’re vulnerable.” You had to stop to take a drink of water, your throat still pretty dry from the tubes during the surgery. “You really aren’t a tough guy. You’re… genuinely one of the sweetest men I’ve had the pleasure and honor of knowing. You are something else, Roger Taylor. And I feel like I haven’t seen you act the way you do around me around other roadies. Regardless of any circumstance.”

You saw the way Roger tensed at your words, but thought nothing of it. Little did you know, he was fearing that you figured out his feelings. Being the tough guy he is though, he thought of a way to dodge the words you said with a jab of his own. Luckily, he had just finished setting up your movie and getting your ice cream, so he could say it as he walked out the door.

“Well. You have the next three hours to figure out why that is, love. Expect a quiz when I return.”

He lightly placed his hand on the top of your head, ruffling your hair, electing to do something more friendly than kissing your forehead or something, as to not give anything away. And out the door he went. As soon as you heard the door close, you let out a breath you did not realize you were holding in. He had not even made it out the door before you knew what the answer to his quiz would be.

~

Sweaty. He was sweaty and wanted to shower. By the time he had made it to his room, his shirt had been removed he just wanted to flop down into bed and pass out. After the adrenaline of the show, his brain had completely wiped his memory of you still seated in his bed. You heard the lock of his door, but made no effort to move your head to look in his direction. As soon as you heard the door close behind him, you spoke up.

“I mean something to you, don’t I?”

Roger almost completely jumped out his skin.

“Bloody hell… Y/N, I-I forgot you were here.”

“Did I get your quiz right?”

“Wha—”

“The reason you treat me the way you do. It’s because I mean something to you, isn’t it?”

“I think you need to be more specific than that love, that could…that could mean a lot of things.”

“I don’t want to sound stupid.”

“You won’t. I promise.”

“Do… you have feelings… for me?”

Roger just stared at you, wide and glossy eyed, mouth slightly agape, trying to hid how nervous he was. Hands sweaty again.

“That’s why I promised to take care of you. I hated seeing you with allergies.” He started to cry openly. “Imagine how broken I felt when there wasn’t anything I could do for you when you were…practically dying on my hotel floor.”

You just watched him pour out his soul to you, letting him plead for you.

“And-and-and I know that you’ve probably heard the stories of me and certain fans. The women. Have I done that shit sometimes? Yeah. But ever since you’ve joined the team I haven’t. I haven’t done anything. Not even really thought about other women.”

You believed him.

“Would you ever give someone like me a chance?”

“C’mere.”

Roger made his way over to you slowly, unsure of what you were going to do. He was nervous as all hell, because he had never felt like this about any of the women he met, and he did not want to lose you. Eventually he got to the side of his bed where you were sitting, and you motioned for him to sit on the other side of you. Roger felt like he did something wrong, but when he finally plopped down onto the other side of the bed, you reached up to grab his cheek.

“I would have walked over to you and kissed you myself, but my stomach hurts too much.”

Roger laughed with his whole heart and soul. He truly did not expect you to want him back. It made waiting all this time for any form of intimacy so worth it. He kissed you with more passion than he put into his drumming. He even got a little bit too into it and started to move his down your torso, and the minute you felt his fingers below your chest, you grabbed one of the pillows situated to your side and smacked him in the head.

“Hey! What was that for? I was getting into that.”

“Stitches, wanker.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry, love.” Permanent Taglist: @bensrhapsody @chlobo6 @gardnerlangway @xtrashmammalstefx

Roger Taylor Taglist: n/a

// If you want to be added to either taglist mentioned above, or the one for another character I’ve written for, send me an ask here! //

[freshlyjuicedbeetles]

Welcome to the Neighborhood - Chapter 3/ The Baby Shower - Drakgo Fiction

@sweet-or-sarcastic // @anavrp // @sophiecooper18 // @random-emerald-thoughts // @benjimators // @marvelousavengfulslytherin // @littlevirago // @evielovesfood // @dianenguyenbjh // @brianaisontheinterwebs // @saultnpeppah // @poisonivy123 // @dragonrider167 // @dangerouswxmen // @galevwide // @disneyevilprincessblog

Shego was nearing the end of her pregnancy when she finally conceded to having a baby shower thrown for her.

She still felt self-conscious and uncomfortable about being pregnant. She never really wanted kids or imagined she would have kids until things got serious with Drakken. Shego felt like pregnancy wasn’t in her nature, but there she was, seven and a half months pregnant with a baby girl to be named Rhea.

Just as uncomfortable as she was mentally, she was physically. Shego wasn’t sure she could go through this again. Just because she didn’t have a period didn’t mean she didn’t bleed from somewhere else! More than once she had to deal with a nose bleed and even her gums bled at one point! She was still nauseous and always hot. She felt as big as a house. She hated it! She hated being pregnant! If anyone thought she was caustic before…

Her work life may be the only thing that was faring well in her eyes. Just around her third month, Shego was granted maternity leave. Her job was too dangerous for a pregnant woman. Thus, she went back to her old stomping grounds, substitute teaching. And okay, maybe this time around she enjoyed the littler kids more than the older.

Shego often caught herself wondering about the child growing inside her when substituting for the lower grades. She liked the way one student had her hair done and would have to remember it for Rhea. She wondered if Rhea would be the bubbly little girl with bright eyes or the quiet reader with a thirst for words. Inevitably, she would run into trouble makers whose parents let them get away with far too much and say to herself Rhea will not be like that.

Jill and Savannah, her longest friends, constantly pestered Shego about letting one of them throw her a baby shower. Shego never saw the point of a shower. Rhea had everything she needed already, and everyone (that Shego wanted) would be at the hospital when she was born. A shower felt like she was showing off she was pregnant and felt greedy to her.

Then, her own mother took things into her hands. Shego literally received an invitation to her own baby shower in the mail.

It wasn’t that Shego was estranged from her mother like she was her father. On the contrary, they spoke daily, and she had an amazing relationship with her mother. Her mother, Kate, simply knew her daughter well enough to know that if there was to be a shower, she’d have to take it into her own hands. With the help of Jill, Savannah and her son-in-law, the shower was planned behind Shego’s back. The only thing Shego did for the shower was to make a post on the neighborhood Facebook group to warn everyone that the neighborhood may be a bit crowded car-wise but that she would make sure it wouldn’t be an issue. Yeah, she may be a former villain, but she hated it when people were inconsiderate.

Shego sighed and admitted defeat. Apparently, Drew wanted to throw one and Rhea was just as much his as she was hers and Shego couldn’t deny him anything.

The guest list was short. Just the parents to be, Jill, Savannah, Kate and Drakken’s mother, Miriam. Shego’s brothers were invited, but none wanted to risk getting their heads bitten off by their hormonal sister for not using a coaster.

Kate also knew her daughter well enough to know that Shego would be unlikely to participate in any games or activities that weren’t Cards Against Humanity or something just as politically incorrect. She herself conceded, planning a simple dinner and gifts party, though she was willing to bet she could get Drew to bob for pacifiers.

Shego did allow decorations which matched the theme of Rhea’s nursery; Starry Night by Van Gogh. Her room was painted deep blue with gold stars and glitter in the paint and fairy lights. The motif spread out into the living room with blue and gold crepe paper and streamers.

Kate did make her daughter wear a plastic tiara and sash for the party which Shego only put up a minor fuss about. She bribed Stephanie with the promise of a full month of early morning childcare for Rhea’s first month of life in Stephanie wore them.

Just as dessert was about to be served, there was a knock at the door. Drakken and Shego stood to answer the door, with Kate behind them. Shego peaked out a nearby window and sighed.

“Who’s that?” Kate asked.

Shego groaned, “Our annoying neighbor, Janice. She tries to get us to go to church with her, like, every Sunday.”

“I’ll take care of her,” Drakken said, his napkin still tucked into his collar, before he opened the door.

“Hello, Janice. We’re in the middle of our baby shower. Can we do this later?” He asked, eager to get back to the table a second helping. He noticed Jill eying the last dinner roll and she noticed that he noticed.

“Oh, it won’t take long,” Janice said as the party gathered behind the once evil doctor and sidekick. “I saw your post on the Facebook and thought I should bring over my homemade lemon squares!” Janice beamed. Drakken wasted no time in grabbing one for each hand and chomping down, “I make them with Youthful Essential Oil’s lemon oil!”

Drakken grimaced once the taste got to him, “Tastes like perfume. Why not use the actual lemon?”

Janice’s face deflated, she clearly never thought of that.

Drakken kept eating, “Yeah, these are terrible.” He started smacking like a toothless duck and grimacing at the taste but continued taking bites. “They taste like my grandma’s perfume.”

Savannah took a tiny piece and gagged, “It tastes like literal bile!” She said with her hand over her mouth.

Mama Lipsky shoved herself between her son and Shego. “Ya gotta get lemons from the orchard off highway 51.”

“Well, I don’t know what is sprayed all of those lemons. Pesticides and such.” Janice argued, holding her dish of perfumy lemon squares protectively.

“That’s Old Man Jenkin’s orchard. Everyone knows he’s been using natural stuff to get rid of pests since forever.” Jill said peaking from the back. “Like ladybugs and whatnot.”

“Who knows what’s in that bottle,” Shego said, “Essential oils are not regulated by the FDA. They can put anything in there. They aren’t even cleared to go on your skin, let alone in your mouth.”

Shego looked to Drakken, starting on his third piece. She shrugged, he was a lost cause anyway.

“Well, I guess it’s an acquired taste. Stephanie, I would love to host a pox party for your little one, my Jeremiah still needs to get the virus!” She said excitedly, “Oh I have so much to share you with you about those nasty vaccines!”

“You don’t vaccinate!?” Shego yelled. In fear of catching anything that could harm Rhea, she covered her mouth and nose in precaution. She hid behind her husband as a human shield. At this point, looking idiotic in a plastic tiara and sash were the least of Shego’s worries.

“I remember getting the smallpox vaccine in 1967 when I was a little girl. I still have the scar!” Mama Lipsky said proudly. “Have you ever seen someone with smallpox? It’s not a pretty sight.” She chided Janice.

Janice began to stumble over her words, trying to preach her message. “The science just isn’t there.”

“My husband is a scientist!” Shego screeched, her free fist clenched, still covering her mouth and nose.

“Yeah, vaccines have proven their merit, like, a million times over by now. Anyone who says otherwise is falling for pseudoscience and dribble.” Drakken said as he began to pull apart an oily lemon square in his hand, “Can I use this as cologne?” He asked Janice seriously.

“Lady, what do you do for a living?” Jill asked, her hands on her hips, “Where’s your degree?”

“Okay, that’s enough of this,” Kate said, wrangling everyone back inside.

Shego broke away from her mother’s guiding arm, “I don’t want you or any of your little toxic cretins around my family!” She hollered, “I will call the CDC to tent your ugly ass house of biological horrors!”

Drakken quickly scooped his wife up and closed the door.

“Steph, what did I tell you about antagonizing the neighbors? This was supposed to be a fresh start!” Drakken whined.

“Oh yeah, I’m antagonizing. Don’t come crying to me if Rhea is born with toes on her forehead because of those idiots!”

“Well, you did say that your neighbor Michael’s shoes were last season,” Savannah said, deliberately riling her friend up.

“Well, they were ugly!”

“Let’s have cake and ice cream!” Kate announced, trying to break up the tension.

The ruckus died down with the addition of dessert and the party resumed.

Drakken and Shego were cuddled on the couch, his arms around her as she leaned on him and her legs kicked up on the cushions. Everyone was in a deep discussion about what kind of parents they’d be as the couple laughed and enjoyed the company.

“Steph’s totally gonna be one of the tiger moms, but not like the crazy strict kind.” Jill said, adamantly, “the kind that goes Hulk if someone bothers their kids.” Still holding her plate of cake and chocolate ice cream, she flexed her arms and frowned deeply, her voice growling, “You hurt my kids! I hurt you! Roar!”

Shego laughed and rolled her eyes, playing the ends of her hair.

“Well, my Drewbie will be an excellent father!” Mama Lipsky smiled.

Then, there was another knock at the door.

Shego’s hands instantly flared green, “If that Karen Hun Bot is back you’ll have to squeegee her off the sidewalk after I’m done with her!” She yelled, standing up as fast as she could (which wasn’t really that fast anymore) and waddling to the door.

She threw open the door about to yell, “WHA -oh.”

On the doorstep stood more neighbors, Juliet with the elderly Miss Hazel on her arm, a small quilt slung over Juliet’s free arm.

“Janice get to ya first?” Juliet teased.

“You have no idea. C’mon in. Want some cake and ice cream?” Shego asked.

Of all the neighbors, Shego liked Juliet and Miss Hazel the best. Both were independent who didn’t take shit from anyone. Miss Hazel was wise and friendly and Shego could bitch about others with Juliet.

“No thank you, dear.” Hazel said, “We just popped over to give our congratulations and our presents.”

Juliet took a cookie that Mama Lipsky made as everyone sat back down.

“I hope this works with your color scheme,” Hazel said, offering the quilt to Shego.

“That’s why you asked me about the colors!” Drakken said in sudden understanding, snapping his fingers.

Hazel grinned and nodded.

The quilt was the size for a baby and simple with wisteria blossoms on the corners. “Is this for us?” Shego asked, hoping she was not misunderstanding and making herself look like a greedy fool.

“Indeed, it is.” Hazel answered, “I’ve been watching the wisteria you planted. I’m glad they’ve taken off so well.”

“It’s my favorite flower,” Shego was genuinely appreciative. “You really didn’t have to go through all the trouble…” She had only spoken to Hazel a few times. It was mostly Drew who knew her as he helped install her video doorbell, remote controlled and adaptive technologies that would help her remain independent. It was a win-win for him; he got to tinker and was paid in baked goods.

“It’s no trouble, darling,” Hazel said with a dismissive wave of her age gnarled hand. “It gave me something to do with my time. Every baby needs a handmade blanket.”

Juliet herself gifted several boxes of diapers and burp rags as well as a few new toys and treats for Commodore Puddles so he wouldn’t feel left out and act up.

The night ended with Shego realizing that neighborhoods and baby showers weren’t that bad.

[pupcrimes]

I love those dreams where you're sorta awake but its like you're on idle mode so you have a bit of control over what's happening. Like, I was just dreaming about being a girl football player (weird randomly generated character but I went along with it) who was supposed to be focusing on the Big Game happening later that day, but she saw the human personification of a duck who was looking for his girlfriend and I decided to help him rather than do my thought exercises or whatever it is football people do before sport time. And we went all over this school dormitory building and I was starting to get worried that maybe she left altogether without saying anything. But then he spotted her reflection on the floor and my thoughts on that quickly changed to "oh god she's still here she didn't leave him she's just dead" so we ever so slowly walked into her mostly-packed dorm room, this guy making some strange duck noises (bc he was a duck remember, i literally watched him transform into a human) and there was no response so we kept getting closer and closer... until the girl fucking screamed!!! Startled me so bad I jumped back almost all the way to the door. Duck guy didn't seem to care so I left him to it. Caught up with my friend who I will just call Dog Walker (he was walking a tiny white dog. it was originally a black chihuahua but i decided that wasn't cool enough so poof. tiny white dog) and we tried to find stairs to go back down to the main level of the building but everytime I found one I thought them unsuitable for Dog Walker, though I suspect those options were not fully rendered in my dreamscape because each one gave me such a sense of foreboding that made me immediately say no. Then we went UP some stairs to I guess what was my room and Dog Walker started telling me that I should be focusing on the Big Game but I decided not to do that because there was a closet full of clothes and I am very incapable of not rummaging through clothing stuff in my dreams, its like my favorite thing. So I told Dog Walker that I was focusing on the Big Game by looking at clothes bc there was going to be a Big Interview afterwards and I was told by Coach to look presentable. Found a strappy vintage pepsi crop top; it was in pretty poor condition so I set it aside to give to a specific person in my waking universe. But the final outfit ended up being a flared red skirt with a floral pattern on it, a different crop top that looked like the top to those sexy teacher costumes which was white with red accents, and an apron of all things?? also white w red accenting, namely the stitches being red and there being a panel of red ruffled fabric sandwiched between two white ruffles around the entire edge as well as the pocket being lined with red as well. Just... really digging red lately. But anyway Dog Walker started talking about the Big Game again and I was tired of it so I changed the entire fucking dream. Was making my way downtown (walking fast!!) to get to this store on the corner of the next street that turned out to be A.Z. Fell and Co.!!! Aziraphale and Crowley were both there and it looked like they were remodeling, getting rid of some of their furniture items and whatnot, none of the books were there. But anyway the in-dream me started to handflap so hard bc excitement!!!! And then I had to wake up bc text messages

Anyway yeah. Controlling tiny aspects of dreams is fun and neat

[committoreality]

I like a pic. It's been four days and nothing and I'm not comfortable reaching out bc I think that if a guy is interested he would make it known. He seemed that way but the night we saw each other I was nervous and self conscious and maybe he felt (saw) that energy. I feel really regretful about it And I think maybe that's why he isn't interested. I wanted to go to the bathroom but I was too nervous to and I didn't check in the mirror to see what I looked like. I know this may sound silly but

It doesn’t sound silly at all. I was actually in a really similar situation, where I went out with this guy who asked me out and who seemed really into me. We were so compatible and it was one of the easier and most natural dates I’ve ever had. And prior to that date we were texting a lot and he was saying how he thinks I’m so funny and interesting and beautiful. And now I’m getting the picture that he is just in it for sex and was just saying those things.

I hate to say it because it seems like such a bleak picture, but men lie. Guys tell you what they think you want to hear and aren’t actually sincere about it. Also, I was talking to this other man for months. We would call eachother every day and talk all the time. And then he’d just drop off the face of the earth for a week or so an use the excuse that he sabotages relationships, and doesn’t know how to be consistent blah blah.

I think the thing to really realize and come to terms with is that there are so many factors that make you compatible. And I’ve met guys who I’ve really liked and hit it off with, but it just wasn’t the right time for me or we were looking for different things. Sometimes it’s just them. Especially guys under the age of 25 are so rarely interested in something real. And even if they are they don’t know how to go about it for whatever reason.

I honestly wouldn’t overthink it or worry that it’s something you did. Even if I were to meet a great guy right now I wouldn’t start a relationship because I’m moving in a few months and will need to focus on my studies and work. So it’s not that I don’t meet some good people it’s just that I’m mentally closed off from the possibility of a relationship developing to a certain point. 

And finally, just because you had a great date and like him doesn’t mean you’re compatible or would have a good relationship. Sometimes it takes time to really find those things out. And I was thinking about that today with regards to the guy I went out with who I was really taken by. When you get to know someone through text or through a few hangouts, you don’t actually have a sense of that person- what they like, what their lifestyle is like, how loyal they’d be etc. 

It’s really easy to build up in your head this sort of fantasy story. We have one positive experience with a person and get hooked on that feeling. We want to prolong the positive sensation so we dwell more on that feeling and project it into the future. And that becomes dangerous when we use those fantasies to inform out expectations. because happiness is reality - expectation. 

It is normal and fun to envision things with the people you like. But as a woman living in this era and given what dating is, I would caution letting those fantasies seep into your expectations. I don’t generally trust men until after the 4th date. And that’s only if I have a genuine good feeling about their intentions. 

A while ago I was seeing this guy who acted like he wanted to be exclusive. And he’d tell me how he wanted to go away with me on a weekend trip and he was talking about all of these beaches he wanted to check out together etc. And he was so into me, much more than I explicitly was with him- and then one night after we had a date I told him that I want him to initiate our next hangout because I’m getting sick of texting first. And since I said that I have literally not heard from him… Not that I care because I wasn’t invested in him at all. But that’s the thing, guys can and do deliberately say things they think you want to hear to get what they want in the moment. 

I honestly could give you so many more countless examples of men I’ve dated or who have asked me out who have just blatantly lied to me and deceived me. Not to say all men are bad, but I just find guys in their early 20s to be deceptive and manipulative. So as much as it’s easy to say don’t take it to heart or don’t worry about it- if this guy can’t take the time to send you a few messages then he’s probably not interested and definitely not worth your time. There is no point in pursuing someone who can’t keep those simple promises, and who is inconsistent. Don’t make time for people like that in your life. 

I know it sucks to feel lied to, or to feel rejected, or whatnot. But like I said, there are so many reasons why someone doesn’t continue to show interest. And I truly believe that so much of it has to do with where that person is and what kind of lifestyle they want to pursue. And once you decide on that, people can do a damn good job of shutting out possibility or ignoring what could potentially be a good thing. 

(Disclaimer: I’m sure there are women who are just as deceptive and manipulative- having not dated women I cannot speak to this but if there are men who read this and feel outraged or have similar experience with women, please share your stories or leave me a message. Also not saying all men are terrible [quite the opposite I happen to deeply value men], but given my biased sample I haven’t found too many 20 somethings who are all that transparent and loyal.)

[sunyoonandstars]

BTS Scenario 1.3.: Them being too busy with work to make time for you (while you are having a hard time)

I know, I’m probably a little late to this. But I just stumbled upon the whole ‘Kick J-Hope out’-issue that arose back in 2014 and couldn’t believe what I read. The hateful comments so-called fans left, including a hashtag demanding of BTS to kick out J-Hope (among other members such as Jin and Jimin) for being ‘fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘lacking talent’ and whatnot literally made me cry. Not only because I couldn’t stand the thought of our sunshine being hurt and discouraged like that, but because I was once again shocked that actual humans could do something like that to one another, bullying an innocent person they don’t even know, cowardly hiding behind their laptop screens, having no idea how big of an impact their cruel words could and would have on the other persons mind and life …

Things like that have to stop!!!

And - at least I believe that to be true - Hoseok is deep down a very insecure person, who is always trying to do his best, to improve for the sake of himself, the fans and the members, and always be the hope and the bright sunshine, everyone needs him to be, sometimes probably putting on an act and forcing himself to smile even though he is having a hard time himself. And I know from experience that the tough / sunshine act can be incredibly strenuous, so I deeply respect him for his strength and attitude. J-Hope doesn’t deserve such hatred. Nobody does. 

So, to give our sunshine and his stans the love they so much deserve, here comes a scenario for you! Enjoy! Fighting!

(By the way, I previously posted a similar scenario for Jin and Suga, check them out if you like!)

The Scenario 

They’re busy with work, and don’t seem to be able to make time for you, so you keep dropping by. Because you also have a very demanding schedule and only ever get a few days off a week / month, so you desperately want to spend your valuable free time spend with your love …

angst, fluff, hurt/comfort

3. J-Hope / Hoseok

Officially starting to date and commit to Hoseok was the best decision of your life. Or so you thought at first. Of course, he was one of the most caring, endearing, positive, sweet and strong people you knew, and he tried his best to shower you in affection and make you smile whenever he got the chance. But lately, those chances seemed to make themselves scarce, and increasingly so. Hoseok had received thousands upon thousands of mean and hurtful comments on social media throughout the last months after falling on stage at a performance on live TV and practically ruining the show, at least in the eyes of countless so-called ‚fans‘. Though the members had handled the situation with grace and tried to shrug it off jokingly later on in an interview, Hoseok took the criticism and hate he received pretty hard and has been practicing relentlessly ever since. You couldn’t take them anymore, those disrespectful people trampling about on his heart, the hundreds mean comments and memes roaming around the worldwide web, solely created in order to make fun of your love, calling him a a club-footed horse, to name only one of the offending nicknames heartless haters had assigned to him. They had no idea what they were doing to him, and it broke your heart to see your hopeful sunshine so distraught and discouraged. You tried your best to support him in any way possible, but couldn’t help but feel helpless, watching him dance to exhaustion each and every day. Whenever he thought you or the members didn’t look, you could witness his precious smile fade and fall. Something you could under no circumstances allow to happen, just standing idly by. So you dropped by the studio every day after university without exception, even if you were sick or tired, bringing by healthy snacks and bandages for Hoseoks maltreated limbs, trying to get him to eat and take a short break now and then. He mostly refused. „No, thanks, honey. I know you mean well, but I have to get this right, I have to improve, to become the dancer and artist my fans deserve. And that won’t happen by taking breaks.“ You knew, disagreeing with him on this wouldn’t lead anywhere, so you merely ruffled his sweaty hair, giving him an encouraging smile. „Alright. Fighting!“, you cheered him on, making a cute gesture, actually managing to educe a loving smile from him before he turned the music back on and concentrating on practicing the choreography again, you watching him all the while, seated in one corner of the dance room, amazed at his beautiful body and what it was capable of. Hours went by and you finally decided to turn in for the night, almost having fallen asleep on the studio floor. Hoseok didn’t even notice you leaving, still completely absorbed by his dancing, even though it was already long past midnight. Already at the door, you looked back at him one last time, tears starting to fill up your eyes, desperately hoping he would at least get some sleep tonight. You left the food you had brought on the threshold, a sticky note attached to it, saying:

I love you, Hobi! Don’t overwork yourself! Your life & body are very precious to me! Remember to EAT & SLEEP! Your body needs fuel! You won’t make any of your fans happy by dying of exhaustion…  -.- - Much love, your biggest fan! Don’t ever forget how amazing you are

You had ended it with a number of hearts you had quickly scribbled onto the pastel pink paper. As you turned to go you wished your little message would make Hoseok smile before going to a hopefully peaceful sleep. On your way home you fell asleep in the bus, incredibly tired after a long and strenuous day at the university and library, having spent your last remaining energy on supporting Hoseok. The bus driver woke you politely when you had reached the final stop, informing you that there would be no more buses departing from this stop tonight. Confused and still half asleep you blinked against the bright streetlights, now out in the cold, some place you’d never been before, not being able to recognize anything in your surroundings, having no idea how you would get home from here. You tried to make out a close by street sign in order to pinpoint your location, however it was far too dark and you weren’t able to spot one, so you decided to wander around the deserted streets. You took out your phone, planning on using a navigation app to find your way home somehow, only to discover that your battery was running dangerously low. „Shit!“, you cursed, your voice echoing unnaturally loud in the dark of the night. You felt a shiver run down your spine, not only because of the cold but rather because you can’t help but picture horrible scenarios of danger and violence, a mysterious stranger creeping up to you in the darkness, not a soul around to come to your rescue, however loud you would scream for help. No, this was not some thriller. You were just an ordinary girl, walking through an ordinary street on an ordinary Friday night. Nothing would happen to you, of that you were sure. You just had to keep on walking at your regular hurried pace, not letting strangers see how desperately lost you really were, fighting back the tears of anger, fear and fatigue. Angry. Yes, you were angry. At yourself, for being so stupid. How could you have fallen asleep in a freaking night bus!? You were better than that! Stronger than that! After all, your strength and positivity were two of the things Hoseok loved most about you, and you had to stay strong, no matter what, not only for yourself but for him, too, in his time of hardship. Only now you realized how big a toll Hoseoks situation had taken on you, as well, to which extent you had neglected your own health and happiness over the last few months to be there for him, and how much energy it had cost you. And suddenly, you just couldn’t carry on anymore. Couldn’t be strong anymore. Having wandered around this strange and desolated part of town for over an hour already, you ultimately broke down, plummeting to the pavement, grateful for the stinging pain in your knees, which finally allowed your tears to fall. For countless minutes you just sat there in the middle of the street, weeping freely, shaking in the cold breeze. Only your phone vibrating in the pocket of your sheer jacket brought you back to your senses. When you took it out, the screen showed Hoseoks face, flashing the sweet smile you loved so much, brightly gleaming in the darkness. He was calling you, at half past two in the morning. You quickly looked up to the starless night sky, praying that nothing bad had happened to him. You cleared your throat, swallowing the remaining tears, so he wouldn’t hear them in your voice, before you eventually answered the call. „Y/n, where on earth are you?“ He sounded decidedly worried, his voice growing into a high pitch as he kept on speaking. „I came by your place after practice, hoping you were still awake, because I felt so bad about letting you leave like that. I found your note, so sweet, honey! But when I let myself in your flat was empty. It looked like you hadn’t been home tonight. Where are you?“ „Hobi, I’m lost! I fell asleep in the bus, they threw me out at the final stop and I don’t know where I am! I’ve never been to this part of town, and it’s so dark and cold. I have no idea how to get home!“ You couldn’t help it, contrary to your intention bursting into tears again at the sound of Hoseoks soft and familiar voice. „Please, honey, don’t cry! It’s gonna be okay!“ „I’m really scared, Hobi …“, you reluctantly admitted. „Of course, you are! Wandering around in the middle of the night all by yourself is incredibly dangerous! I can’t — My heart can’t take this! I don’t even dare to imagine what could happen to you!“ You could hear him inhaling deeply over the phone. „Now, do you have no idea at all where you are? What line was the bus you took?“ You closed your eyes, trying hard to remember. „It was definitely the blue line, that’s all I can recall…“ „Okay, y/n, just stay were you are and try to keep out of harms way! Avoid strangers and dark alleys! I’m coming for you! Do you hear me? I’m coming for you!“ „No, Hobi, you must be so tired. You have to get rest! You have a concert in a few days!“ Your phone beeped repeatedly, reminding you of its low state of battery charge. „What is that sound, honey?“ „It’s the battery. My phone is about to die. I —“ „Don’t worry, honey. Let’s just end the call now to save some battery. I’ll locate you through the app, try to keep your phone running for as long as possible! Disable any applications you don’t need at the moment. And remember, y/n, it’s gonna be okay. I’m coming for you, okay? I promise! I’m coming your you! See you soon!“ He hung up before you even got a chance to reply, and you instantly missed the sound of his voice, having allowed you to forget about the lonely cold and the frightening darkness for a few precious moments. You couldn’t help but feel proud of Hoseok for handling such a terrifying situation comparatively calmly, overcoming his fearful nature to venture into the night in order to come to your rescue, not even thinking for one second about himself. Promptly, you felt an intense warmth growing around your heart, being reminded of his love for you and the reason both of you kept fighting so hard for this relationship to work. After a few more minutes, your phone eventually died, leaving you cut off from Hoseok and the rest of the world. But knowing that he was coming for you and not doubting him for a second, you stood your ground with certainty, shivering in the cold, embracing yourself to preserve as much body heat as possible. Hobi is coming for me, you kept reminding yourself, having trouble staying awake by now. Hobi is coming for me, I just have to hold out for a few more minutes. A jolt went through your limbs, shaking you out of your sleep, as you felt your body being lifted up from the cold ground. „Shh, it’s okay, honey, I’m here now“, you heard an all too familiar voice whispering into your hair, leaving no time for you to panic. „Hobi“, you murmured, weak and still half asleep, your voice muffled by the soft fabric of his shirt. „You really came.“ „Of course, I came, y/n. I promised, don’t you remember?“ You could feel something heavy on your shoulders, and figured that he had wrapped you in his coat before he’d lifted you up to carry you in his slender but strong arms. But he must be so tired, you kept thinking to yourself, trying to free yourself from his embrace and get back to your feet. However, he didn’t let you, holding on to you tightly. „Hobi, please, put me down. I’m awake now, I can walk by myself. You must be exhausted after practicing yourself half to death, not having eaten all day. I can’t even bear the thought of robbing you of your last strength. I’m fine, really. Put me down.“ He paused, holding you away from his body in order to sneak a look at your face, smiling one of his bright, hopeful smiles. You couldn’t believe he still had the energy left to pull off one of those. This man was a marvel.   „Y/n, I would do anything for you, you know that, right? And I realized that I didn’t appreciate the efforts you made over the past few months. I was so focused on my work, I didn’t even realize that you were the only thing that kept me going. Your smiles and your daily visits gave me the strength to go on. So, now, please let me repay you, hmm? Or I’ll tickle you senseless right here and now.“ You couldn’t help but laugh at the image. Yes, his tickles were indeed powerful. „Okay, if it makes you happy“, you agreed reluctantly, smiling up at him. „But don’t overdo it.“ „Don’t worry, the taxi is parked right around the corner.“ So you leaned back into him, burying your face in his chest, soaking up his comforting scent, until you put you in the back seat of the taxi, seating himself next to you, gesturing you to lean against him. Gladly you rested your head on his shoulder, gradually going back to sleep. You woke up in your shared bed to Hoseok kissing your cheek repeatedly. „Good morning, sleeping beauty“, he greeted you, as you slowly opened your eyes, extending one hand to ruffle his fuzzy bed hair, at which he smiled, turning his head to quickly for you to react, placing a soft kiss in the palm of your hand. „I tried to make breakfast“, he announced with pride, smiling widely. „However, I failed miserably. So I cheated and called Jin over to help me out.“ You couldn’t help but laugh at that, still sleepy, Hoseok joining you immediately. „So, come on, wakey wakey!“ You pulled a pillow over your head, not yet ready to leave the warm comfort of bed. „Don’t be a party pooper, y/n! Get up! It’s PANCAKE TIME!“, he declared, beginning to tickle you until you finally burst into laughter and fought back, the two of you now involved in a raging tickle war, until you rolled out of bed, falling to the ground and onto each other, laughing even harder. „Okay, okay! I give up! Bring on the pancakes!“, you sighed, still out of bed, raising your hands in playful resignation. Hoseok got up first and extended a helpful hand to you, effortlessly tasing you to your feet, capturing you in a tight hug. Suddenly, he let go of you, bringing some distance between the two of you so he could meet your gaze. The look in his eyes was caring and warm, his soft features caught in an affectionate smile. „What is it?“, you asked, feeling your cheeks blush. „I just love you so much, for everything you are and do for me. You can’t even imagine how much you mean to me. I have never met someone as warm and caring as you.“ „I have“, you replied. „You.“ „Aww, you’re too sweet to handle“, he giggles, blushing himself now. „But now, let’s have those pancakes. I even asked Jin to put in some chocolate chips.“ „Chocolate chip pancakes? They’re my favorite!“ „I know“, he replied, grinning happily, lifting you up on his hips to give you a piggyback ride to the kitchen, repeatedly spinning around on you way there, letting butterflies dance in your stomach and making you laugh out loud in excitement. When you reached your destination he carefully put you down, placing a breathless kiss on your lips. „This is so much fun, y/n. Everything is with you, really. I can’t believe I missed out on this, on you, because of some idiotic fan rant. I’m so glad and crazy grateful you went through this with me and never left my side. I won’t ever forget that. I love you, my hope.“

*************************

Hope you liked it and it did out Hope justice! 

Thanks for reading! Take care! 💜

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All GIFs used are NOT mine. Credit goes to the initial creators. Thank you for your hard work and dedication.

© 2017 @a-r-m-y-g-i-r-l​ ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

[mrfreezebug]

Idk I’ve mentioned a few shitty exes in passing before. But I never go into detail. And idk man due to recent events I’m just gonna vent a little bit about a piece of emmett dating history. CW: Bad bad bad relationship things  tl;dr tl;dr tl;dr  s orry if you’re on mobile 

So like YEARS AGO I got technically broken up with 3 times over a three month period which resulted in me being stoned out of my mind for three weeks straight and shit faced when i wasn’t up all up there. I just felt horrible. And through all that... I managed to meet someone who seemed super chill, fun, and nice and junk. And while we were casually seeing each other I got to meet new people and swing with them a lil. It was super therapeutic and they seemed so open minded and like they knew themselves so well... and I was still so lonely that I thought even though I didn’t have feelings yet I admired the FUCK out of them in the moment and thought i could grow to really like them?? We talked about it a lot and they sounded super understanding. Even though they constantly asked if I was ready they kept telling me they wanted "easy” as much as I did... But once I let go of my apprehensions of getting with them officially...  It turned out to be a big mistake. SO shit happened and once we became official the person who I was seeing before who ghosted suddenly messaged me bein all “sorry babe” and I was all: “I gotta tell u something” And so I told them I was seeing someone else on accounta how they just ditched me for a month with no response. And they asked me who And I told them And they told me to get the fuck out that they were a trash person. They also guilted me for moving on. “I leave for a week and you’re already on to someone else??” like R U K I D D I N G M E and I thought they were just being a salty jealous piece of bitch so I told them to chill. But they wanted closure and I’m nice so I said ok to meeting up in person. But the person I was seeing currently said they feared for my safety and that I’d cheat on them with that person. (Needless 2say they did not like eachother) And I was just??? “I wouldn’t cheat and what sorta safety concerns r there” And they were all “they’ll rape you or something and I don’t want to date someone who puts themself in the position to be raped” That was a pretty big red flag lmfao.

I should have just told both them to fuck off then but Ive never learned to really just leave anyone like that before. Im way better at it now but before I didn’t want to break ties with the only person who seemed to want to be around me and make me happy at that moment... so I just ignored that gross comment and I just told the other person we couldn’t meet.

But sure enough that weird kinda controlling situation turned into 8months of a hellish relationship where they were just SCREAMING at me for EVERYTHING. Like they literally screamed all the time. There were more times I was being yelled at than not??? Other people often told them to even calm the fuck down in public. It was wild. The screaming bullshit got to the point where THEIR friends came to me to see if I was okay. They’d literally sit me down and ask me if they physically harmed me. Which, they didn’t but there were threats surrounding every time I forgot something or messed something up. Nothing like serious but, honestly? Who for real who says “it makes me want to smack you when you can’t remember basic things.” Thinking back to this rn is so shocking to me. Idk man.

A few times they would get way too into my face and I’d have to physically shove them away because it was too intense. Just yelling. Right in my face. I can’t even remember why they were yelling. They were just always over reacting over something small I did. It all blurred together at some point. I just know I was always either zoned the fuck out or crying.  They also would often brag about being able to make people cry also. Like “I can make anyone cry. I know what to say to I get to people the most.” And it’s fucking gross, as well as a common thing I’d run into with other friends n shit. Idk why controlling people always end up with my wimpy ass. BuT ANYWAY I also couldn’t use my computer, go to conventions, or see friends without dealing with their controlling ass. So that was also a bag of shit. My life was fucking MISERABLE Talking to them only got me so far. Like five minutes of potential mutual clarity in any situation before they’d go on a rant about their problems and it’d basically end with me saying sorry with no progress. And I was still so soft spoken then when I tried twice to break up w/them it failed. It makes me want to go back and SHAKE MYSELF like why did I put myself through that for THAT MANY MONTHS???  Another kicker: similar to my experiences with other partners I was coerced into sexual situations probably every other week tops?? By threatening to break up with me, or tell me that I suck as a partner, telling me I make them feel ugly, etc… shits fucking weird like here I was crying like 9/10 times they guilted me for not wanting sex, my face is fucking UGLY and they still wanted it?? SHIT MAN. I cried during sex a lot. It fucks with me to this day. My initial instinct is to be too afraid to say no to sex.

But they actually ended up breaking up with me bc I went to go hang out with a friend and not tell them. It was probably more of a threat to try to control me but I saw that opening and booked it so far away, man I went to Denny’s that night for the first time without worrying about upsetting them for not answering their texts right away. I actually felt BAD that I didn’t care tho?? It was dumb but this thing is still a bit of a problem for me. Even if logically they deserve to feel bad, I feel horrible for hurting anyones feelings. They seemed WAY torn up about the break up. I made some empty promises like an idiot. Telling them I’d see how I felt if they worked on their anger issues and shit. It was so fucked up when I was alone with them I felt so bad for them. I felt like I really hurt them or that I owed them something for the times they were nice to me and paid for my shit and whatnot. I also have trouble staying mad. I always just forgive and wanna move on. So we’d actually meet up with peeps at gay events n what not, I was friends with their friends at this point and I didn’t want to rock the boat with anyone even when they tried getting me back at the most random times. But I’m hella distant from people in general. It gets me into trouble with people I genuinely used to like let alone with people who stress me out lmao So they’d send me paragraphs of friendship break ups and delete me from everything then message me and try to readd me again and then get upset again that I don’t “check in on them” how “I don’t care about anyone but myself” and just all around stress me the fuck out. I just have a hard time checking in on people bc of various reasons. I’m working on my self confidence for it. And I don’t want to make people stay if that bothers them. So I just kinda let them come and go but the constant confrontation is STRESSFUL. It makes it harder to check in on anyone who pulls that shit tbh.

And NOW they’re trying to do it again after a few years and like I feel BAD again and like I should be over everything tbh it was YEARS AGO BUT I REALLY DONT WANT TO CARE ANYMORE.  IM KINDA PATHETIC T H E   E N D

[rayheechul]

as i sit at home and eat my nuggies ...

If i don’t get this out of my head i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep tonight and wake up at 5am for my opening shift ... and this could just be me overthinking or over-analyzing but it’s on my mind and i thought it would be best to let you know.

I’m not angry at you or upset or anything. I’m just a little sad? I was really looking forward to getting nuggies with you, even if you were not planning on getting anything to save money. I thought it would be a nice to see you after work and just chat about your day and my day and whatnot. But then I saw your message saying you were going to Chipotle and biking -- which is completely okay if it wasn’t for the fact that I interpreted it as you’d rather eat with whoever it is you’re eating with and go biking instead of chilling with me for a bit like you said you would. I don’t know if you actually got anything at Chipotle or not (to save money) but i had planned on treating you to nuggies. So that’s where the majority of my sadness(?) comes from. To me, it felt like you chose friends over me and i know that’s probably far from your intentions but that’s just what it felt like with the way we communicated or whatever. I know how much your friendships mean to you and I would never say “no” to you wanting to hang out with your friends -- that’s not the kind of person I want to be and that’s just not in my nature. I guess i’m just wondering if you thought of how i would have reacted given you had already agreed to meet me for nuggies. Regardless of whether or not you decide to buy dinner, i think i wouldn’t have thought too much of it if you had asked if you could do a raincheck and we can grab nuggies together some other day because you wanted to bike with friends ... i don’t know. 

but this brings up another point that i’ve been holding back from saying because i don’t want it to be a big deal and whatnot ... but from my perspective whenever you hang out with Tony or Zuber or Jeff (disclaimer: not pinning blame on them, just an observation) you start lacking consideration and sympathy. And i get it -- you guys joke around a lot and like to have fun and make lighthearted jabs and be carefree and that’s 100% okay with me. As someone who usually observes your interactions with others from the side, i notice that you’re quick to make judgement and you’re thoughts don’t extend to factor in how other who might be involved with whatever you’re doing my think or feel. An example would be today when I went through my shift feeling like I wasn’t worth having a short dinner with. Another example would be when we went swimming and you asked for a back/butt massage. Maybe i wasn’t comfortable with doing that in such a public setting (I wasn’t but i’m just saying that to prove a point). If i had firmly refused, i would expect that you would say something to Tony and Jeff and be disappointed and point out how Vanessa does it for Tony or whatever and then I’d feel pretty shitty. 

there are other small things here and there that bothered me but i never thought worth bringing up because i don’t want to get between you and your few weeks left up here in Davis with your friends. i don’t want to be an obligation that takes you away from what you want to do. you know i support pretty much anything you do or want to do as long as it’s not illegal or unsafe. i want to continue to look up to you and feel like i’m winning at life because i have a cute, kind-hearted, generous, and thoughtful boyfriend.

so while i’m eating my nuggies (they’re like medium-sized today, could be bigger) and trying not to think about all the sad things, i want you to know that i am still working on what i promised the last time we talked -- that is to be more open to hanging out with you and your friends and being more considerate of your feelings. what i ask of you, if it’s okay that i do, is to be a little more considerate to people around you. it’s not just me but Zuber ... that one time you guys were hanging out and never asked if Zuber had work the next day until i did and he said he had a 6am shift but it was 11pm already and you and whoever else we were with were thinking of going to McDonald’s or something ... i know you and Zuber have been friends for super long and tease each other and whatever but he didn’t want to tell you about his 6am because he didn’t want to ruin the fun and to me that’s such a selfless thing to do and literally no one else asked about his schedule. Those times you tease me in front of friends (ie. judging something about me, sharing something about me that i may not have been comfortable with, rather loudly proclaiming my breath smells or my ears are dirty or whatever) actually hurt my feelings a lot and while it’s fine if you lightly tease me when it’s just us two, the more this happens to less i feel like i’m enjoying myself when i’m with you and your friends. I don’t think i’ve ever heard Tony say anything bad or tease Vanessa in a way that embarrasses her but that could be that she can easily take it as a joke or whatever ... but personally it hurts to be teased among your friends when i’m at work boasting about how you cooked me food after i had a really long day at work or how you saved me from having to get my car towed when the tire popped or how you make me small gifts from hand (for cat bb but i say its for me) and basically showing you off because i feel like i’m the lucky but unworthy one.

anyway this is getting long and i have to sleep but if you’d be interested and free, i was thinking of trying to making curry rice for dinner on wednesday. if you want some and are free ... no worries if you can’t it was kind of a last-minute thing i thought of doing. 

hope you had a good bike ride and got home safe. love you and goodnya-eet.

[oscar-isaacs-number-one-bitch]

One Major Update on Me and a Few Other Words on My Best Friend and How Incredible She Is

So, as some of you may or may not know, I had been engaged for nearly a year when, a little over six weeks ago, my now ex-fiancée and I split up.

It's been a very rough time. It was a decision I made (for reasons I won't relate here except to say it would not have been a good marriage), and day in and day out afterwards, I struggled. I'd been struggling for a long time, and I will continue to at least a little bit. That happens when you've been so close to someone you would marry them and then you realize you can't. Each and every day was the same. No way to lift myself back up from the pit of grief I'd fallen in. I'd been so perpetually depressed, I didn't even have the energy to fake my way through most of my classes. I woke up barely able to move and went to bed unable to stop the pangs of loneliness and heartbreak from encompassing my heart and wrenching the waters from my eyes, no matter how I struggled. Breaking your own heart for the sake of doing what's right is a horribly shitty thing to feel. Only a few people knew what happened, and even now, I'm sure there are those who are not aware.

One of those people, in fact the first who knew, was my best friend. I've only posted about her a few times, so you may not be as familiar with her as you should be, but what you really need to know are these things: her name is Allie, we've been best friends since day one of freshman year, she's as beautiful as they come, we're basically the same person, except she's way smarter than me, I love her so much, and I would literally die for her and would immediately kill anyone who ever tried to hurt her no questions asked.

Allie had been there since the beginning. In fact, she was the one who had encouraged me to ask my now ex-fiancée on our first date. She's always been there for me through everything and I'll always be there for her. When my relationship started going south, she was there. When my relationship had its ups, she celebrated with me. She was there for every part of it. Needless to say, she was concerned about me when the relationship started getting to the point where I was just more upset and frustrated with each passing week. And she let me know that; she hid nothing from me. But she didn't pressure me one way or the other because she knew that ultimately, it would have to be my decision. And I made that decision. And it broke me in half.

One part of me wanted to die, the other just to rest, and neither side would get what they wanted for a long time. But two nights ago, Thursday night to be exact, something happened I did not expect, let alone prepare for.

I was completing my sixth week of grieving, as previously mentioned. I woke up that morning literally crying because I was in just such a low place that I couldn't shake the horror, the unfathomable depths of how sad I really was. You know that scene in Batman v Superman (a terrible movie, but I'm making a point) where Superman dies and that music comes on with the really high voice in sort of a cold operatic fashion (it's actually a really great piece of music)? That was what I felt like, but the entire morning was like that. I was just... empty. I had nothing left. Life had drained me of all the tears I held and yet still was ripping my insides, slowly extracting everything from me as if pulling an ingrown hair from the skin.

I went through my entire day with only one thing to look forward to, unsure if I could even muster the strength to go through with it, or if the strength was even still there, I was so emptied of everything that countered sorrow. I was to spend the evening hanging out with my best friend, Allie. And y'know what? I had fun.

I had a good time. We went by Walmart to complete her Halloween costume (we're going to be Green Arrow and Black Canary so watch for that), then to Best Buy and Ulta, our destination spot it seems any time we're in the mood to shop. Then we went back to campus to the bistro (it stays open later and we hadn't had dinner yet) located directly above the cafeteria, which was now closed. We got our food, sat down, and started to talk.

(to give a little background: a week or so before, we had been on a date and had discussed the possibility of getting together again - we had fallen into the freshman trap years previously - and all seemed okay, like we could handle it, but shortly afterwards when we were watching a movie at my house, i made her very uncomfortable, likely by getting too close to her, and i will always regret that i ever made her feel like that)

We talked about what happened and I apologized for what was honestly an unintentional "rebound" of sorts (I don't tend to rebound, I just move my affection from one place to the next, but it always stays with that next person until they decide they don't want it anymore). And she was very understanding about it and didn't hold it over my head whatsoever because she knew what I was going through and how horrendously hard it was.

And then, as we were sitting there talking, she did something I'll never forget for as long as I live. She was talking about our friends and how during the dark times of my relationship, our friends and even people she didn't know would come up to her and ask if I was okay since they knew we were friends and thought she would know. She related to me how she was afraid if I had gotten married, the issues in my relationship might have turned physical and then, it happened. As she continued, she began saying that if anyone were to ever hurt me, she would take the hammer to them and as she was saying these things about how she would kill anyone that ever tried to hurt me and reassuring me with everything she had that I would *never* lose her, ever, she began to tear up. To cry.

Now, she's cried plenty of times before, we all have, but she rarely ever cries in front of me. It had been years since I last saw actual tears start in her eyes. But as she was talking about how much she cared for me, there it was, the water of relief, of sorrow, of joy, of pain, of love. She pulled out a tissue and wiped her eyes, and told me again that I would never lose her. And frankly, I didn't know what to say back. What could I? Just tell her the same? Any words that might be adequate enough to even indicate how strongly and deeply I feel for her certainly don't exist in the English language or any language I've ever heard of. So I just sat silent, and we talked past relationships and other miscellaneous items until it was time to go.

We hung out in her dorm lobby, where she works the desk, for the next four-ish hours and I started, as we sat together and talked, and laughed over vine compilations and whatnot, to feel something grow in me. A feeling that I didn't recognize but I had a vaguely nostalgic remembrance of. I wasn't sure what it was, but it was like out of a crater, water began to rise. And that night (any night really, but particularly this one), I could have literally just spent time with Allie all. night. long.

The next morning, that feeling was all consuming, so complete I couldn't fathom that I was finally feeling this again after so long: it was hope.

Real, tangible, complete, powerful hope, the kind I hadn't felt in literally years, since before my high school days. Sure, I'd felt other versions of hope in my previous relationship at points, but nothing so potent, so immediate as this. I almost couldn't name it at first I had so forgotten what it felt like.

And for the first time in such a long time, I knew that I wasn't just going to heal, I would get stronger. Things weren't just going to return to being okay, they were going to get better. The future wasn't just something to go into, it was something to look forward to. And I'm not just okay. I'm hopeful. Whether intentionally or not, Allie gave that to me just by being who she is, just by being her. And maybe she'll see this, maybe she won't, but just in case, I have a message for her:

Allie, you are a miracle to me. For the first time in many years, I have experienced hope and you brought that to me. You are such an amazing, incredible person and I love you, I really do. Anyone who tries to hurt you, I will kill and I would willingly die for you without a second's hesitation. You're one of the smartest people I know, you're the most beautiful person on Earth, and the strength I see in you is greater than that of at least half the Roman empire, probably more. You are my *best friend* and you don't ever have to worry about losing me either. Not ever. Thank you for being who you are. I can only one day hope to express in any language just how much you mean to me. Thank you.

[overly-ironed-waffle]

questioning everything

So the last few days have been rather emotionally taxing on me. It was particularly difficult a few nights ago when it first started, because it started during the peak of a manic episode-- which then led to me having a huge mental breakdown and manic freakout. Since then, I’ve been emotionally exhausted and continuing to deal with this crap (I’ll get more specific in a minute) but I’ve been too worn out to get extra angry like I initially did. Instead, I have been becoming increasingly upset and emotional and just... tired. I don’t like dealing with this.

So basically, the gist of it, (and if anyone wants to actually read the whole, very long, incident, I have screenshots I can present to you) is I posted in a private group I am in that is meant for parents who support their trans children. (Another waffle fact: my eldest daughter is AMAB) So I made a post about a conversation I had with her, and somethings she said that were worrying to me. Seven year olds shouldn’t experience depersonalization, but she was describing symptoms of it. I was looking for support from other parents in this situation.

However, I was met with things that felt hostile. I was then reassured it was not meant to be aggressive, so I let it go. When I came back the next day, the person who I originally felt aggressed by, had continued to talk about how my post made them uncomfortable and how I was attacking them by calling them aggressive and hostile, etc, and then started telling me that I was playing the victim.

I didn’t see where I was playing the victim. I got defensive, while also clarifying some backstory and other points of interest that were brought to my attention, and I pointed out that I felt like they were being aggressive, not that they indeed were being aggressive. I asked where I was in the wrong and playing the victim, and then was met with “the fact that you fail to see this is sickening to me”, and “I feel abused and gaslit by you”.

So now, I am apparently playing the victim while also abusing and gaslighting this other person-- but all I’m trying to do at this point is understand what I’ve done wrong. So I continue to ask for clarification, what did I do and where did I do it and how can I fix it so in the future I avoid doing it further?

THAT is met with “not my job”, then continues to accuse these things of me, and then when I ask them to back their claims, they again tell me “it’s not my job to tell you how you are oppressing me. check your privilege”

So let me get this straight now. I’m playing the victim, while abusing, gaslighting, and oppressing this other person. I fail to see it, and inquire genuinely so that way I can avoid it in the future, but since I am incapable of seeing it myself, it is not their duty to back the claims they are making because it’s “sickening to them how toxic” I am.

Then the moderators get involved. They shut it down, and messaged us individually.

.......and then I am attacked by the mods. I am, without context, sent resources on gaslighting and oppression, and when I continue to ask them for specific examples, they never give me them. Instead, they get increasingly frustrated with me and continue to give me vague blanket statements like:

“I’m going to go more thoroughly into it (this afternoon hopefully) if you need me to, but I’ve skimmed through it with a fresh brain, and I wanted to share these thoughts with you. So gaslighting was being called out because when people pointed out the problematic things in the post ([waffle note: the things that were pointed out were in the way I phrased certain things about the situation my child and I are in]), you were saying it wasn’t meant that way, and seemed to be lashing out at folks (especially [unnamed]) about it. Like flipping it around. Does this make sense? The reason why abuse was being called out is because allcaps is considered, online, to be yelling. So when one is setting out on someone, swearing, and yelling, it can certainly be seen as abusive behaviour.”

To which I responded with this:

I feel that all of that is stretching it. Gaslighting is to manipulate someone psychologically into questioning their own sanity, memory, or perception; trying to gain power by causing the other party (or parties) to second guess themselves. It is where the abuser presents false information and or twist the story around and then when (if) it is called out, they deny it and claim that the abused is imagining things or try to point out that if they are that blind to see it, there’s something very wrong with them. It is a way to make them question everything. At no point do I see that in my postings. Claiming gaslight is an incredibly heavy claim. I was not providing false information or attempting to twist things around to gain power or to shut [unnamed] down at any point. I was constantly trying to defend myself and my post, EXPLAIN myself and my post, and then find out what I did wrong (which feels like the majority of it at this point). I am not going to claim to be gaslit, but I can point out a perfect example of it in the thread (with direct quotes) (I can also actually give examples of playing victim, with direct quotes): ——[unnamed] constantly referenced me playing a victim and continuously said that it’s toxic behavior and needs to stop. When I called them out on that and asked where I was playing the victim, they refused to give me an example, and instead simply said “You ARE playing victim, [my name]. I don't know how you could possibly deny that and it's sickening to me.” as well as “I am maxed the fuck out with your victim playing and I'm not going to be able to stay here peaceably with you.”  And then when I continued to ask and essentially beg for an answer so I could understand, I was told “^^ not my job ^^”.   So I explained that if they are going to make claims, they need to back them up because I am clearly failing to see where I am playing victim. In response to this, I was told “Check your privilege. I'm sure I'm not the only one seeing you play the victim and I don't need to explain to you how you are being oppressive to me.”  So suddenly, I went from playing the victim to becoming the oppressor.

When someone makes a claim, the moment they refuse to back it up with fact and instead just spew out “I don’t need to tell you”, that is a form of gaslighting. When they are telling you that you are presenting toxic behavior and the fact you yourself are incapable of seeing it, they are presenting the characteristic of attempting to make you question everything. Here’s the thing about me that has apparently been the issue among this whole thing: when someone points out something critical about myself, I take it very seriously. And I do my best to try and understand what it is, because I see it as a place for self-improvement. And so when I am genuinely asking for answers, and they refuse to give them to me but I am failing to see it, then I don’t know what I can do to fix it. That’s all I have been trying to do. As for the claims for abuse, yes I can understand why yelling and swearing can be seen as that. However, I intentionally stayed clear of swearing as much as possible because of that. As well, I was using caps as emphasis through frustration. The only time I swore, I said “shit biological father”, and then when I exasperatedly asked “what the hell did I to” after having asked several times prior to that (without “the hell”) with NO response. At no point was I swearing directly at people, calling them names, or presenting abusive behavior like that.

Then I went on to explain the entire situation of the post, basically in a play by play in the time and order of everything, since I feel like everything is being completely misunderstood. I spent about two hours on this.

All I received in return was the following:

I thought you were willing and able to self-crit. I vouched for you with the other admins and said I thought you just needed someone to be patient with you. I put hours worth of emotional labour into this. Are you white? Because you sure are acting super entitled about this whole thing and everyone’s energy.

That was the last thing they said to me. I responded with the following:

I'm sorry, now I’m really confused. How am I acting entitled? Because I want answers to claims and still have yet to get specific ones? I literally just spent over an hour and a half trying to explain in detail to you why I am feeling attacked and why I still fail to see what I have done wrong. I recognize I was on the defensive side. We have already established that. Self-crit does not mean “go and find where you were abusing the other person”, because some people are not capable of seeing that about themselves. I have been genuinely trying to ask everyone where I went wrong, with specific examples, and no one will give them to me. Self criticism is the act of criticizing ones own faults and weaknesses. Clearly, I’m not doing that well enough for the rest of you, so please HELP me. That’s all I have been asking for. HELP. Please. I continue to give examples and detail as I try to resolve this, and everyone else who continues to talk to or argue with me just beats around the bush and doesn’t get into specifics. Things do not get solved with vague explanations, especially when there is apparently a specific problem that someone is failing to understand. All I am trying at this point is understand. Clearly, no one else understands that. I’m sorry if you’ve been putting hours of emotional labour into this; but that’s what happens when you volunteer to moderate things. You’re going to get dragged into uncomfortable situations sometimes. Perhaps you have put hours into it with the other mods and whatnot, but as for helping me understand anything, I haven’t seen that kind of detail. I continue to receive vague blanket statements that try to just encompass large aspects, that don’t actually give me an explanation or example of my behavior.

You no longer have to waste your emotional labor, time and energy on this and me now. I've removed myself from the group because I do not feel comfortable, safe, or welcome there and I don't want to continue being a part of this anymore, period. I'm sorry for the inconvenience and for apparently being completely and utterly blind to my faults that no one is willing to help me see. I would work on improving myself, but can't without knowing what specifically I need to work on. But I no longer wish to continue this, as it has been causing too much emotional distress the last several days. I am done being guilted into feeling confused and angry, it is affecting my ability to emotionally function properly at home. Honestly this whole thing has been triggering for me and very reminiscent of my relationship with my daughter's father. But I'm not being listened to, so I'm done explaining.

 Thanks for trying.

So I sat with this for a while. The convo I just shared between myself and the moderator happened right before I had to go pick up my daughter from school. When I sat in the car, I picked up with my overthinking from the last several days over this whole situation, and I kept going over and over and over it in my head, trying to see where I went wrong. Where was I being an abusive party? Am I really in the wrong? Did I do something so blindingly, painstakingly obvious, that it really is sickening that I don’t see it? I am questioning myself and absolutely everything.

And you know what that has done?

It has me questioning even more outside of just this situation. I’m questioning all of my actions, everything I say, I’m questioning my sanity completely.

Why?

Because I feel like this is a habit that people in my life present; I am regularly blamed for things, and things are made out to be my fault, and then it’s a problem when I fail to see it.

I thought that perhaps I had worked hard enough on myself that I had moved past a point that this would continue to happen, because if it was happening so much then maybe it was me? I did so much self exploring and so much healing and work to rebuild myself, to try and move past that.

But it is still happening. Am I still the problem? Have I always been the problem? Will I continue to be the problem? How can I fix this? Why is no one helping point out what I clearly cannot see? I so badly want to get better but I can’t when no one will help me.

I’m just... I’m so tired.

Today has been too much. The last few days have been too much.

I just want to stop feeling like I need to battle myself over all this... self-work stuff.

I just want help.