#and i just can't do it anymore
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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well - webtoons is over, gang
#sci speaks#if everyone would please just read the blog at it's intended home on tumblr#and please stop getting me to waste my energy on all these other sites that i hate then that would be primo wonderful#tapas and webtoons are actual shitholes. convenient to read sure whatever. but i hate the format anyway#and how they treat their creators.#not to mention the way tapas gamifies their interface so you're like on a fucking gambling site?? like if temu were a webcomic service?#what happened to the internet being a free and fun place for anyone to post anything.#noo. copyright laws because we want to make money we can't just host anything out of the spirit of fun and freedom#what about the money??? what if we risk money??#internet used to be a better place. i hate the earth as it is right now. the internet is like a mine that corporations dug into.#and destroyed. right in front of my eyes.#it used to be a beautiful green pasture with wildlife roaming and now it has been flattened and turned into an ugly shopping mall.#the things i do for you guys who really. really wanted me to archive it somewhere else.#i''m not doing it anymore. it is here until tumblr dies or we all enentually die and all our efforts are lost to the sands of time.#nothing matters in a cosmic sense anyway. enjoy it while it's here.
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When in doubt, Soup it out.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#lan wangji#a-yuan.#wei wuxian#Yes I am skipping over LWJ's panic at WWX joking about giving birth to A-Yuan. It's funny bit but there are many more to come!#The last time these two sat down together the tensions were so high. The peace is nothing more than a layer of cold fat on the surface.#It's not 'really' them coming to see eye to eye. It's them not having the energy to say what they really want anymore.#LWJ is very defined by his jealousy and the conflict it creates with his need to put his feelings aside for the perceived greater good.#To live a life where you are always second and never ever allowing yourself to be first...#If other people can be at peace and happy - it has to be worth it right?#If he orders a plate of food that he will struggle to eat but is the favourite thing of the person sitting across from him#Is it not worth the sacrifice?#But remember! You can't take anything for yourself ever. No matter how much you want it.#He did it once before and he regrets it so much. So all he can do is accommodate.#And WWX? Well. You can't let anyone in if there isn't enough water to splash around in.#Keep things shallow and they just move on. Even if you'll miss them when they go - this is just how things are now.#No more teasing and trying to pull a reaction from LWJ anymore. You'll never be more than someone he can't stand so what's the point.
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this country is a fucking embarrassment
#what do you MEAN a competent woman and an objectively idiotic sex criminal are so so so so close in the election#us election#political#stria speaks#i can't even show my face anymore this is just so so humiliating. even if kamala wins. this is embarrassing guys#good post#2024 election#donald trump#kamala harris
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It's interesting how Buck's love interests are all written in a way that ends because of the reason they meet/happen in the first place and then of course, we have Eddie.
Abby, who changes Buck's view of a healthy relationship but then turns around and ghosts him, making him wait for months on end and letting him realize she's not coming back on his own.
Ali, who meets Buck during a dangerous situation in his line of work and then leaves him for how dangerous his work is.
Taylor, who lashes out at Buck for using her as a fake date and saying she thought she could trust Buck to be a friend who then ends up using him for her career and chose to put his friends in danger.
Natalia, who's there to help him embrace and deal with his temporary death but it leads to their break up because of the constant talk surrounding death when Buck's not comfortable with it.
We can't confirm for Tommy till it ends but it's important to note how he offers to get Buck into his interests like flying and muay thai yet doesn't show effort with Buck's interests like dressing up according to the bachelor party theme despite Buck being stressed about it. And we also have the fact that the entire reason they got together was due to Buck's jealousy for Eddie which he then claims to be was for Tommy. Makes me think they are either going to end because of differing interests OR because of the jealousy issue popping up again.
Funnily enough, every scene above has an Eddie parallel:
Eddie co-parents with Buck and not only does this not stop after a dangerous event but Eddie also has Buck down as a legal guardian (healthy relationship - Abby).
Eddie is in the same dangerous line of work and they have each other's backs. This happens right off the bat too.(dangerous job - Ali).
The Lawsuit era and The Dispatch era - both where they "betray" each other but manage to work through it (betrayal/lie - Taylor).
Eddie doesn't pressure Buck to talk about his temporary death until Buck's ready and is more focused about him living than in his death (death doula - Natalia).
Eddie who has different interests than Buck (poker, basketball and UFC/MMA) but also manages to show interest and actively takes part in whatever Buck comes up with; he suggests their outfit for the themed party AND ends up staying there for Buck even when others leave (different hobbies & showing interest/taking part - Tommy).
Absolutely fascinating when you start noticing that Buck's relationships keep failing for one reason or another and then we have him and Eddie who face the same sort of situations but they still come out of it stronger together.
It's clear that there's a reason Buck is able to overcome anything when it comes to Eddie (that conversation with Maddie about being there for each other even at their worst 👀) and we've already established that everything Eddie looks for in a partner is already something he has found in Buck. So really, all that's left is for them to realize that hey, the one I'm looking for is right in front of me! 🤷🏽
And yes, it's been said to death (hah) but you don't find it son you make it. And Buck and Eddie have already made it.
#character meta#relationship meta#think whatever you want it's up to you#but narratively tommy is a plot device#there's no if's or but's about it#I'm saying it like it is#the parallels between Buck's LIs and Eddie is insane#i just thought about making one about it since we mostly talk about how Buck fills all the things Eddie needs in a partner#this is my interpretation of how they've basically written themselves into a corner and the only possible way to go forward is with Buddie#doing anything else is a disservice to the characters and narrative so far#as Tim said#it's only natural and this is it#buck and eddie just naturally embody the ideal partner for each other#tim minear if you make me go through another destiel i will actually personally come and eat your kneecaps i can't do it anymore bro#it's literally all there!!#it's a masterpiece#i don't trust you enough but in Oliver ryan and jlh i trust#buddie#911 abc#eddie diaz#evan buckley#evan buck buckley#911 spoilers#I'm too lazy to tag all the characters because they're unimportant#the entire point of the post is Buck's LI vs Eddie anyways#so there
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I want to throw up
#'just do whatever you can' / 'that's your motto eh?'#and then sanji saying this shit#i can't do this anymore i am actually sick#one piece#black leg sanji#usopp#sanuso
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My copium where they all survive and they are an iconic one eyed trio
Also some random sketches because 266-267 have been killing me emotionally thank you
#genuinely how the fuck do they go back to society after this???#for how Megumi would lose his eye#I saw some really cool fanart a while ago where he got some scarring post-possession due to Sukuna's weird face thingy#Forgot where it was but I thought it was so cool#and wouldn't it be fucking hilarious if they all have one eye at the end of this#Hell if you wanna cope you could throw Gojo in there too with the eye theories#This should not be funny but it is to me sorry#Gege just mutiliating peoples eyes for some reason#As it stands Yuji and Nobara are matching in canon since he supposedly can't use RCT anymore#Unless he fucking dies before they reunite#I swear to god gege#bro has been throwing too many death flags#Yuji feels like a ticking time bomb every chapter I keep thinking hes gonna die every week#Any way happy sunday yall#jjk#jjk spoilers#jjk 267#jjk267#my art#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#nobara kugisaki#jjk art
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What the hell is this 😭😭😭😭
#fernando alonso#did jimmy come up with this or is this just nando??????? I CAN'T TELL ANYMORE BC HE COULD JUST DO THIS#f1
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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#polls#personally i dont like it but thats only because i dont like fandom. the type of stuff that gets the most attention#in fandom usually just annoys me idk. how to explain it in a way that wont come off as me saying#fanfic or whatever is evil its just the fact that it just bombards alot of the conversations?#i prefer it when the thing i like has 10 fans and theyre all on one message board or forum#like for example mtvs downtown is getting popular but apart from annoying#'me and the mid nerd guy i copped by being weird and sexy' posts its not awful....#but then smth like... clone high or smth i suddenly cant remember ppl just got so annoying abt that show??#like i cant stand it i dont even bother watching it anymore plus its just weird to me now like i can't watch it regardless#im just rambling but personally i do not like it. like i dont want what i like to get a revival#i dont want anything new! i just want to enjoy the thing and move on 😭#fandom seems to prioritize shipping and memes over evaluating or simply just enjoying something!#this goes for anything. music film tv books....
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The intensity of his stare
#i can't do this anymore#i swear making eye contact with him would just heal me#i think i would desintegrate right on the spot#also i'm happy cause making gifs felt fun again after a long time ����#papa emeritus iv#copia#papa iv#papa 4#popia#the band ghost#ghost bc#papa copia#ghost band#eye contact#my gifs
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Another voted fanart friday character back from March! Vash the Stampede ✨✨✨
#digital art#digital painting#illustration#vash the stampede#trigun#trigun 98#body horror#scars#tw body horror#tw scars#just in case!#also man I can't do multiple fanart fridays anymore but these are still so fun omg#only once a month now but let's GOOOO
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smitten 🦋
#illustration#aesthetic#butterflies#fantasy#flowers#maximalist#romance#sapphic#purple#pink#magic#digital art#art ph#art fart#prinsomnia#portfolio#this piece was a bit of a “one for them one for me” sorta thing#i've been so busy with my day job and just clearing out my backlogs and it was so hard for me to realize day by day how little i do for mys#myself anymore.#more and more i feel trapped in a really fucked up world. but nothing that a nap can't fix!!#i hope life has been kind to you. and i hope you have been kind to you. <3
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miss detective...
#editsbysandal#neve gallus#dragon age#veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#can't believe i'm teaching myself how to do edits in CSP just for her#i don't mess with photoshop anymore but man this makes me wish i did
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Making Incorrect H:SR Quotes Until I Run Out of (hopefully) Original Ideas - Pt. 3 - Random Screenshot Edition
[Pt. 1] [Pt. 2] [Pt. 4] [Pt. 5] [Pt. 6]
#hsr spoilers#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr textpost#hsr incorrect quotes#honkai star rail memes#hsr memes#honkai star rail meme#hsr meme#stelle#hsr trailblazer#boothill#jingliu#bailu#dan heng#blade#kafka#jing yuan#yanqing#dr ratio#aventurine#sunday#ough so many character tags. what a mess of a post. as always i sure do hope none of these have been done before!#anyways i've once again spent too long on these and can't tell if they're actually funny anymore but oh well i'm still postin' em#i've once again struggled and done my best to make good ID's in the alt text but i still don't know if they're done right aaaaa#also realized while doing so that i forgot to put Jingliu's face over the tumblr post's icon but i'm not fixing it now! just pretend i did#i don't believe i'll make any more like these bc it's harder than you'd think to find the exact images/screenshots to fit with the posts#but these were most of the ones that i felt needed the extra context anyways. now i'll return to my usual lower-effort edits#oh god also ignore how the sandpit one is flipped. i had to do that to get them on the right sides to match the messages 😭
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the lamb: yall mind if i explode into tentacles
havin a little fun with the lamb and potential tentacle body horror because i think sometimes they should be gross. why SHOULDN'T these God creatures be an affront to the nature of creation
#cult of the lamb#cult of the lamb fanart#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#cotl oc#cotl fanart#i was just like what if the lamb was like a gross resident evil enemy#*gasps softly* las plagas cultist.......#also i headcanon that narinder can still do that gross face thing but he can't do much else. so he just bothers everyone with it#everyone eventually gets used to it and narinder is like FINE i guess no one appreciates theatrics anymore. fuck off.#the lamb as disgusting and monstrous as ever: hey stop scaring her she's very sensitive :(#neves: *isn't paying attention to the sermon* why is there goo everywhere i hate it here#every sermon has a splash zone. pray u are not in it#U can tell how I got progressively lazier drawing. Sorry.#*continues to shove my oc in your faces*#my art
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