#and i have to drive myself in the truck no less so i'm really hoping it will not be that bad or i'm gonna have to call my friend like

[californiaquail]

i have minor ass surgery this afternoon unfortunately (cyst) and i made the mistake of watching youtube videos of the procedure. fear

[vicsnook]

Out of Oklahoma | Tyler Owens x Reader

word count: 3326

warnings: Tornadoes, Loss, Implied smut

notes: Hey y’all 🤠 I am back with some more content! When I tell y’all I was sat at that theater. Even my boyfriend was thirsting over Glen (specifically in the rain scene, iykyk). Anyways, hope y’all enjoy this one and please don’t forget to like and reblog 🫶🏼.

I crawl out of the hotel bed at 5, hitting the snooze button on the way to the bathroom. My reflection looks back at me less than thrilled for what’s to come today.

Apparently the world hates me because there is no coffee to brew when I check the kitchenette, so now my day’s gone from bad to worse. I check my phone and sure enough I have a million messages from my dumba-sweet brother Boone about how he can’t wait for me to meet his friends.

I'm not ready for that. But nevertheless I carry on and make my way to the airport to board a flight to take me home, to Oklahoma. It’s fine, I think to myself. It’s all going to be okay. But I know it’s a lie. Still I get on the plane and pretend I’m going somewhere tropical instead of the one place I swore I wouldn’t return to.

The wheels touch down roughly on the strip, startling me awake. Here goes nothing. The airport is packed but thankfully all I have is my carry on which holds what little I left to California with six months ago. So much for making a life for myself.

The old Ram is parked just outside the doors and I know I can’t put this off any longer. After what happened last year, I want to turn around and get the hell out of dodge but I can’t avoid him forever. Not when my family needs me, well what’s left of it. “Well, well, well, look at what the cat drug in.”

I sigh and look up, locking eyes with the one person I didn’t want to see ever again. Tyler Owens. My ex-fiancée.

“Tyler. Nice to see you didn’t get blown away by a Tornado,” I force out with the fakest smile I can muster. God knows I’d love to wipe that stupid smirk off his face, amongst other things, I shake my head dismissing the stupid thought.

“Y/N, good to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor. That all your luggage?” he asks, grabbing my carry on from me and placing it in the bed of the truck before I can even answer. “Yep,” I mumble, getting into the truck.

“So, where’s Boone?” I ask, trying to ease the tension.

Tyler glances over at me and I feel my stomach do a stupid flip. Stop it!

“He’s at your Nana’s house dealing with some of the insurance people. I’m really sorry about what happened, Y/N.” he says. “We tried to warn them.”

“I know,” I say. “It’s not your fault, Tyler. You didn’t know it would turn and hit them directly.” I start to reach for his arm to comfort him but pull it back, the gesture feeling inappropriate after all that happened between us.

He nods and continues to drive on. Him and Boone blame themselves but I know there’s nothing they could’ve done. I just wish they’d see it that way.

-

The ruins of the home we grew up in come into view and my heart shatters all over again. The anger bubbling in my stomach as I see all the tornado took from us. Why!? Why us!? I want to scream at the sky as I walk up to my brother who I can tell is barely holding it together.

“Hey Boonie,” I whisper, hugging his back. His breathing shakes as he turns and pulls me into a hug, nearly suffocating me. “I tried sissy, I really did but they’re gone.” he says, “I was too late.”

I hold him as he finally breaks down and I try whispering reassurances in his ear but I know he’s not listening. My eyes make contact with Tyler’s as he heads towards the rubble and begins to sort things out.

“It’s not your fault, Boonie.” I say, holding his face so he looks at me. “There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

He nods quietly, pulling me in for another hug as the guilt consumes me for having left him behind. I should’ve never gone to California.

-

I follow Tyler to the entrance of the dingy motel on the edge of town, still holding on to Boone’s hand. “Thank you for coming, Y/N.” Boone says, handing me the key to my room. “Always,” I respond. Squeezing his hand one last time as he turns to go to his room.

“Where’s the rest of your crew? I haven’t seen them.” I ask Tyler as we head up the stairs since our rooms are on the second floor. “They’re helping some people downtown that got hit too. They asked me to give you their condolences.” He answers, stopping in front of my door.

“Um, thanks and thank you for all you’ve been doing for Boone. I hate that I couldn’t get here sooner.” I say. “California wasn’t all I thought it’d be.”

“Tried to tell ya.”

“I know. I'm sorry, Tyler.”

He moves a step forward and drops his mouth beside my ear, the distance between us almost non-existent. “Nothing to be sorry about, darling.” He drawls, pulling back, then turning around and walking into his room, leaving me in the hallway.

This man will be the death of me.

-

The weeks go by slowly as we deal with the insurance but somewhere along the way we finally get Nana’s ashes back. Boone and I take them out to the river, spreading them at the one place she loved most.

“So how are things between Kate and Tyler?” I ask Boone as we head back to the motel from the pizza parlor.

My stomach clenches, waiting for his answer.

He looks at me and grins. “Why you want to know Sissy? Any interest in getting back in that saddle?”

“Ew! No! I was just curious, Boone.” I say, glaring at him while he laughs.

“They never really were anything serious. She ran off to New York City the second she got her research. Oklahoma held too many painful memories for her or something.”

I nod. Pulling into the motel parking lot that we now call home. That is until the money from the insurance comes through and we can get to rebuilding Nana’s place.

“There’s the man of the hour.” Says Boone pointing at Tyler who’s getting out of his truck. The white shirt clinging to his chiseled chest because of the rain.

He really does look good in a cowboy hat. I think, quickly shaking my head trying to erase the thought. “Close your mouth Sissy, you’re gonna get drool all over yourself.” Boone teases and I playfully smack him, tearing my eyes off Tyler.

“You know Sissy, I don’t get it.”

“Get what?” I ask, turning off the ignition.

“How y’all girls run away from that man. I mean I ain’t blind and I may be biased because he’s my best friend but his personality doesn’t suck either.” I sigh, knowing he’s not wrong.

“It’s complicated.” I finally say, and get out of the car. Heading for my room before Boone can add anything else.

-

“Where are we going?” I ask again for the millionth time. Letting Tyler and Boone blindfold me was starting to seem like a mistake the longer we were in the truck.

It also didn’t help that Tyler was playing the cd I burned for him back in high school.

“Almost there, Sissy.” Boone assures me, as the truck left the paved road and headed down a dirt road. Please Lord don’t let this be another one of Boone’s pranks.

Tyler helps me out the truck and leads me down a rocky path. My nerves increasing by the second and wondering where my brother had ran off to.

“Tada!” yells Boone, the bandana falling off my eyes as Tyler pulls off the knot.

“I know it ain't much Sissy but I couldn’t let you keep living in that Motel much longer.” Boone says, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the tiny home that now sits behind where Nana’s new house will be. “So, you hate it?”

“No! Thank you so much!” I yell, pulling him into a hug. “You really didn’t have to do this Boonie.” Tears stream down my face as my brother squeezes me. Thank you God for such a good brother.

“I can’t take all the credit, it was Tyler’s idea after all.” Boone whispers to me. I nod, pulling away and wiping the tears off my cheeks.

Lord knows if things were different I’d be running to Tyler and giving him a big ol’ kiss right now. But they aren’t. I remind myself so I settled for just saying “Thank you, Ty.”

“Not a problem.” He says, turning to follow my brother to my now little home.

-

“Please work, come on!” I yell at the shower. My little home was nothing but perfect, well except for the water which always seemed to go out at the most inconvenient times.

I try calling Boone but I’m greeted by his voicemail which only leaves one other person to call. Sighing I pull up his contact and dial. Ignoring the contact picture that I never bothered to change.

“Hello?”

“Hey, um sorry to bother but I can’t reach Boone and my water went out again while I was washing my hair,” I say, already regretting calling him.

“I’ll be there in a minute.” He replies, hanging up before I can say anything else. I pull on a bathrobe and tidy up before he gets here. I wince when I see my hair in the mirror, suds still in it but oh well. Tyler’s seen me how the lord made me so I doubt a little bit of suds will make me ugly.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by his knocking and I think as I open the door that maybe I should’ve thrown some clothes on. “Hey,” I say, stepping aside as he makes his way to the water heater closet to check there first.

The minutes pass and the silence is eating me alive. The temptation to say that I was wrong for ending things the way I did consumes me. So much so that I don’t realize he’s talking to me until he comes to stand in front of me.

“Earth to Y/N? It’s fixed. You shouldn’t have any more issues.”

“Thanks Ty. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.” I reply, his eyes meeting mine.

“Live your life without fear of me dying everyday because of what I do,” he says, it's clear to me then that the wound is still very much open.

He starts to head for the door but I’m quick to get up and grab his arm, stopping him dead in his tracks. “Ty, I’m sorry. I was wrong, okay? All I did was trade tornadoes for earthquakes. Happiness for misery. I was wrong and I shouldn’t have left the way I did.” I say, my eyes searching for his.

“You left me, Y/N. You packed your bags and left without saying a word, leaving all of us behind. So, no, sorry doesn’t cut it here. I’m sorry about your Nana but you made your mistakes. Live with them.” He replies, the anger in his eyes sending chills down my spine. I swallow the lump in my throat long enough for him to walk out and slam the door on his way out. What the fuck did I do and how can I even fix it?

-

** 6 months later **

Nana’s house is finished. It looks similar to the one the tornado tore from the ground but me and Boone know it couldn’t be more different.

We bring in what we could salvage slowly and try to make it look as closely as possible to the original one. Lastly, placing a picture of Nana, Boone, and I, that Lily recovered from the wreckage on the mantel.

“Close enough,” Boone whispers, sitting on the couches that Dani and Dexter got us.

“Yeah, I just wish she was still here.” I reply, sitting across from him. “You going chasing again today?”

“Yeah, but I promise we’re being safe sissy. We don’t do that driving into tornadoes and shooting off fireworks anymore after Nana,” He answers, sadness filling his features.

“Just be safe,” I mutter, taking a seat next to him and letting him pull me into a hug. “Always.”

“For what it’s worth, he’s not really mad at you. He’s mad at himself for not realizing sooner how far gone you were until it was too late.”

A sigh escapes me as he gets up, giving me a faint smile before walking out the door. Off to chase the very thing that took the last bit of family we had.

-

The rain came in buckets. All day it’d been so pretty but as soon as I stepped outside the grocery store, I saw how much the sky had changed. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up as lightning struck.

Rushing to my car, I threw the groceries in the back seat but before I could throw the car in reverse I heard it.

The tornado sirens.

I threw open the car door and started sprinting back into the grocery store but a cry for help stopped me before I could make it in. Lord please protect them. I prayed quickly.

Debris was already flying all around me when I turned to look for the source of the pleas and then I spotted her. A girl who looked no more than 15 was on the ground in the parking lot, her leg in a cast and her crutches nowhere to be seen. “Please help me!”

I ran towards her. My body going into overdrive as the wind threatened to push me over too. “Please don’t let me die,” she begged as I threw her arm around me and hurried back for the door.

The wind picked up even more and the rain turned into hail as I trekked through the lot trying to make it back inside. The short distance seemed infinite.

I felt it before I could even turn. It was there. The loud roar filled my ears as I pulled the girl in front of me and with the last of my strength I had, I pushed her to where the door was.

Then my feet left the ground as the tornado sucked me in and I felt the world go black.

-

“Bo-one?” I rasp, my throat on fire and my entire body feeling like it’d been run over. The events leading up to this moment slowly coming back to me as I struggle to open my eyes.

“Hey, he’s just outside talking to the doctor, let me get him,” replies Tyler softly. My eyes adjust to the harsh hospital lights as he steps out the door and taps Boone on the shoulder.

My head pounds as I take in my surroundings. Scratches cover up both my arms. If I looked into a mirror right now I’d probably collapse.

“Sissy! Thank God you’re okay!” Hollers Boone as he comes to my bedside, careful not to hurt me when pulling me to him. “I thought I lost you.”

His tears wetting my hospital gown as I hug him back as best I could. “I’m okay, Boonie.” I whisper in his ear as he sobs.

“Is the girl okay?” I ask, worry filling me up at the thought that she didn’t make it.

“Yes, she made it inside just in time, Sissy. You saved her life.” Boone says, taking my head in his hands and pressing our foreheads together like we did when we were kids.

I close my eyes, nodding and thanking God that we were all okay.

“I need to go sign some paperwork but if you’re feeling up to it, we can take you home today. You got lucky,” Boone tells me while getting up from my hospital bed.

“I’d love nothing more than my bed.” I reply, shooting him a smile as he steps out.

I turn to Tyler who’s been quietly standing in the corner this whole time and I notice his swollen eyes. My heart squeezing at the thought of having worried him and Boone.

“Hey,” I mutter, and his eyes finally meet mine.

“Guess Boone isn’t the only tornado chaser in the family huh,” he jokes, still standing in the corner.

“Guess not,” I reply, chuckling but my throat is so dry that it turns into a cough and he’s rushing to my bedside with a glass of water in hand.

“Thank you,” I manage to say as I chug the water. Instant relief filling my throat. “So, can you fill me in on what happened after I got sucked into the tornado?”

“Uh, well witness accounts are that you pushed the girl inside and then got sucked in. Me and Boone had been chasing the tornado and pulled into the lot as it dissipated.” He stops, taking a seat on the bed and grabbing my hand. “The people in the supermarket started pouring out and screaming that you got sucked in, of course at the time we didn’t know it’d been you. Nevertheless we all started searching and found you passed out on top of a tarp in the baseball field.”

“Oh wow, that’s quite the distance. Saved myself some gas for sure,” I joke, but he doesn’t laugh. “Y/N, you could’ve died. You got out with scratches and a story but you could’ve died,” he says, a somber look on his face.

“Hey, I’m okay. I didn’t die. Nana protected me,” I tell him, tipping his face so his eyes meet mine. “I got a second chance to start over and,” but he cuts me off.

“I love you,” he says, then his lips crash into mine. The kiss knocks the air out of my lungs but as he pulls away, I recover and pull him back to my lips.

When he finally draws back, his eyes are teary but there is no sadness in them anymore. “I’m sorry for walking out on you, if you had died, I don’t know how I could live with myself, knowing how I left things,” he says, his words piercing my heart.

“Hey,” I say softly, “I’m here and I’m okay. I know there’s a lot we need to talk about but I can promise you this, I’m not leaving Oklahoma. Ever.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” I whisper, leaning in to meet his lips.

But before we can finish our moment with a kiss Boone is bursting through the door.

-

** One month later **

“Ty! Dinner’s ready!” I holler, and I hear the sound of the shower turning off. Making my way to the living room I stop and pick up my Nana’s picture, thank you for saving me. I think to myself and put it back down.

“Ty! Come on!” I yell, quietly sneaking up the stairs to our room. Glad that Boone’s off with Lily at the fair.

“Coming!” I hear him yell from the bathroom. The towel is wrapped around his waist and drops of water make their way down his abs. Man, I’d sure love to be that towel. I think to myself as I watch from the door crack but am greeted with a smirk when I make my way up to his face.

“Hey darlin’, coming to see the view?” he asks cheekily, turning to me. Busted.

“Well you’re the one who says “if you feel it, chase it,” and I sure am feeling a lot of things right now,” I reply, letting my eyes trail down his chest.

“Oh, yeah?” he replies, coming closer. “Well you better start running.”

I giggle and turn to run but don’t even make it out the room before he’s tackling me to the bed. Dinner is gonna be real cold when we’re done here.

[bearsbeetsbeskar]

Somebody to Heal, Somebody to Hold

(Joel Miller x dispensary! reader)

Chapter 2: Silver Haze

Chapter 1 here || Chapter 3 here || Main Masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x dispensary! reader, AU (no outbreak) Word count: 5.6K Rating: 18+ minors DNI, will be changed to explicit in future chapters (slow burn, eventual smut), swearing, explicit discussions of drug use, age gap (reader is early 20s and Joel is late 40s) Summary: Joel can't rely on pills anymore for his back pain, so his doctor prescribes him medicinal marijuana. But he's not happy about it. A/N: PEEPAW IS FINALLY GETTING HIGH Y'ALL. 🍃 🔥 💨

This chapter was fun to write and I'm really pleased with how it turned out. Thank to you anyone who has expressed interest in this silly little story and wants to see more. I doubt my writing capabilities pretty much every single day on this site, and often wonder if it's worth it to keep writing, but I still wanted to indulge in this story. Mostly, cause I'm selfish and would throw myself in front of a moving vehicle if it meant getting to smoke weed with Pedro, and more specifically our grumpy texan gentleman, Mr. Joel Miller. An enormous thank you to @iamasaddie for beta'ing, and your constant words of encouragement when I start to doubt myself in the slightest, you are my heartbeat ❤️

Hope y'all enjoy, please comment, reblog and let me know what you think! 😇

It’s been less than a day. 18 hours to be exact, since he came home from the dispensary with his illicit, but also legal drugs. The bag filled with the package of joints sits in the middle of his kitchen table. He eyed it as he leaned up against the counter drinking his coffee, and while he ate his breakfast at the table in contemplative silence that morning. 

This shouldn’t be such a big deal. He’s a grown man for crying out loud. He can buy drugs if he wants to. Not that he necessarily wanted to. Purchasing medicinal marijuana was the furthest thing from Joel’s mind when he ran through possible options of dealing with his pain problems. Really, he is just surprised with himself that he actually went through with the doctor’s suggestion. 

He doesn’t know if he should feel relieved, or guilty, or a little curious. Maybe all of the above. 

He wished he could have someone to talk to who has personally tried it before. Aside from Doctor Barclay, he didn’t really have anyone at all. His buddies would probably either: A) tell him he just needed to sleep off the pain, drink something heavy to knock himself out or work through the pain- which, if he’s being honest with himself, is precisely what he would have done if not for that sharp twinge in his back that makes him want to curl up in the fetal position. Or B) they would try to get him to take something stronger and undoubtedly more illicit. He doesn’t know how, hell he doesn’t wanna know how, but some of his buddies manage to get their hands on cocaine or acid. Sometimes they don’t even bother till they get off the jobsite after a long day, often snorting up or popping pills in their truck and then driving to a shitty dive bar they plan on occupying for the rest of the night. 

Nope. He didn’t need that. He felt like enough of a delinquent already. He stops drumming his fingers on the table and sighs, tilting his head to the side contemplatively. 

“Ah fuck it”

He grabs the bag and reaches into it, pulling out the carton with the pre-rolls, leaving the receipt in the bag. The label reads ‘Back Forty’s Moonberry’ in an almost psychedelic font, with deep purple letters. Turning the little box over in his hand, he squints at the description on the back.

“Back Forty’s Moonberry Rolls are powerful hybrid cross pre-rolls that offer big hits of flavour and an even burn. A nice, mellow and sweet way to start and/or finish your day, relaxation is guaranteed with these. Packed with a re-sealable film to ensure freshness after multiple sessions or on-the-go. Take a trip and relax with the Back Forty.”

“Take a trip and relax?” Joel huffed. That kind of trip sounded anything but relaxing. Anxiety starts to claw its way up his throat. 

What if something happened? What if he reacted badly to the weed or ended up taking more than he should? There were no specific instructions. What if it just didn’t fucking work in general? 

The doctor's words rang loudly in his head. He knew this was an option, an ‘alternate method’ as Dr. Barclay so delicately put it. But if this didn’t make the pain go away and he couldn’t take more prescription medication, what then? 

He leaned back in seat and groaned, staring up at the ceiling. He could try one. Just one. But if it tasted like shit or he didn’t like it, then what? He didn’t want to be stuck with the whole pack and he doubted there was much of a return policy on opened products at the dispensary, seeing as the merchandise was already consumed. 

Before his thoughts could snowball any further he snatched the carton of joints and shoved it back in the bag. “Fuck this,” he grumbled, grabbing his coat off the back of his chair as he made his way to the front door, the tiny plastic bag clutched in his other hand. 

—------------------------------------------------------

It didn’t take long for Joel to reach the dispensary. When he pulled into the parking lot, he turned off the ignition and sat in his truck for a minute. One minute turned to five minutes as he bit his lip, his left hand still firmly holding onto the plastic bag. He felt like he was forgetting something.  Reaching into his coat pocket absentmindedly he felt his wallet and his phone. Digging into the other pocket he paused as he felt his fingers run over a small tactile shape. He pulled it out and held it upright in his palm. The free lighter you gave him. 

He rolled it over in his hand, looking at the store name printed on shiny cheap plastic, his thumb running over the rounded edges. He flicked the lighter once, and with a crisp snap, a small flame erupted, burning brightly. 

His mind drifts to you. You were kind and patient with him, despite probably thinking he was a creep or some kind of fucking narc with how awkward he was. He feels heat rise to his cheeks as he recalls your soft eyes and warm, inviting demeanour. Maybe it's possible you were working again today. If that was the case he could just go in, explain to you that there was a mixup and return the pre-rolls, then buy a bottle of Tylenol on the way home, and wash it down a handful with a double whiskey, sealing his fate. 

Fuck the weed. Fuck the back pain. Fuck the cholesterol. End of story.

His palm curls around the lighter as he steels himself and gets out of the car, still holding onto the plastic bag.  He strides through the front door and is surprised to see the check in desk is empty, with only the '18+ ONLY PERMITTED ENTRY' sign on the desk. 

At this point, he would be content to just drop the bag off at the register and head back out with his pride still in tow. Forget getting a refund. 

“Hey! Back so soon?”

He looks up as he walks through the second set of doors into the shop and slows in his tracks as he sees you. 

“Joel, right?” 

You’re fixing a display case off to the side. He can’t help but let his gaze wander down your body. When he came in yesterday you were standing behind the register so all he could really see was the nondescript black t-shirt you wore with the dispensary logo over the chest. 

Today you’re wearing the same shirt with plain black leggings that hug the curve of your hips and your ass. Nothing special, but still Joel feels his mouth go dry and the blood starts to rush south in his body.

He pauses and squints slightly. Wait, you remembered his name?

“Uh yeah. How’d you-” 

“Photographic memory, thanks to being the doorman.” You reply simply.

You head back behind the register and lean your forearms on the counter, flashing him a dazzling smile. “So, what can I help you with today? Looking for more pre-rolls? Some edibles?”

At this point you could sell him anything and he would buy it, with the smile you’re giving him. Hell, you could give him 15 more of those cheap tiny lighters and he would happily take them. Maybe he doesn’t really need to return the pre-rolls, he could always just leave them.

You spot the small bag clutched in his hand before he can hide it and raise your eyebrows at him. 

“Actually, I uh,” he pauses, “I wanted to return these, if that’s okay.” He places the bag on the counter and pulls his hand back quickly, as if it burned him, his eyes flitting to yours before looking away again.

“Oh sure, no problem.” You pull out the unopened pack of joints and the receipt. “Were you not a fan of these, or did you maybe want to try something else?” 

“Uhm, just wasn’t a fan of them, didn’t think I’d like them..” He mumbles and shoves his hands in his coat pocket.

You’re in the middle of reversing the transaction at the register when your finger hovers over the keyboard, mid-type. “Didn’t like them? It looks like you didn’t try them though,” you quirk a brow at him and tilt your head to the side. “How do you know you don’t like them if you didn’t try them?” 

“Well I, uh-” he frowns as he tries to think of a response.

Christ. He’s not getting out of this without swallowing his pride and admitting the truth. His anxiety hits him full force, and you must see him start to backpedal cause you speak up again.

“Hey it’s okay, you can always try something else. How do you feel about edibles? Or drinks?” 

No. He just wants to forget that this entire situation happened.

“No, no it’s okay,” he vehemently shakes his head and starts to back away from the counter, “I’ll just look into some other options.” Even as he straightens his back and starts to retreat, he feels that nagging pinch shoot up his spine and he clenches his jaw.

“Joel, have you never smoked before? It’s okay if you haven’t” You’re looking up at him intently with those bright eyes, concern etched into your features.

Well, there’s no way out now.

He sighs in defeat and looks down at the ground. “No, I haven’t. Guess that much is obvious,” he remarks as he puts his hands on his hips, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“That’s completely normal, trust me” you reassure him as you lean closer over the counter, planting your palms on either side of you.

He snorts. “Yeah right.”

“It’s true! Before you came in the other day I cashed out a kid who looked like he was barely legal. He came in looking like a deer in headlights. We get customers every day who have never consumed marijuana a day in their life, not just potheads.”

He eyes you warily, still biting the inside of his cheek.

“It’s not a big deal Joel really. Is… Is there anything you’re worried about happening?”

He’ll have to tell you now. Tell you that he’s really just a big middle-aged wimp who’s too afraid to get stoned and deal with his pain problems. 

“I.. I’ve just never tried it before, that’s all,” he shrugs plainly, “I don’t know what to expect. I mean, I know you said it’ll help with the pain and all, help me be more relaxed but I’m just worried I’ll get addicted or overdose, or somethin’ will happen…” 

“Jesus,” he runs his hand over his face, “it’s fucking stupid.”

“No, no it’s not.” You cut him off before he continues. “Those are perfectly reasonable things to think about, if you’ve never smoked before. Many people worry the same thing.”

“First of all, it is possible to get addicted,” you explain cautiously, “But you would have to be consuming it nearly every day, all day before it reaches a point where you can’t function without it. And that usually happens with strains that are high in THC, the psychoactive stuff that gets you high.”

“But,” you emphasize upon seeing him tense up, “these pre-rolls you purchased are pretty low in THC, so it’s very unlikely you would get addicted, even if you smoked 'em everyday. You don’t have to worry about that.” At that he relaxes and shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

“Secondly, it is not possible to overdose on weed. Not even the strongest weed. I mean, I’m no fucking scientist and they haven’t conducted any studies on it or anything, but there have been no reported overdose deaths due to marijuana consumption,” You wink at him.

He huffs out an exhale, giving you a hint of a smile. “That makes it a bit better.”

“If you’re still really worried about it, I could show you if you want. To smoke that is,” you add on quickly. “I know it’s nerve wracking to try it on your own for the first time, and it can be better if you’re with someone, y’know, just in case something happens or you don’t like it.” 

“Really?" He looks at you expectantly with rounded eyes. "You’d do that?”

“Yeah, I get off my shift here at 5 so I could do it after?” You bite your lip and look up at him bashfully. He tracks the movement, watching your tongue peek out to soothe your bottom lip.

“Sure, that’d be great. Where should we meet?”

“We could always go to a park or something nearby. But even though weed is legalized, I feel weird smoking it in public places around families and young kids and stuff. And you’d have to drive home afterwards, which is not a good idea.” You scrunch your brows and bite your lip again as you try to think of other spots. 

Joel tries to ignore how cute you look with your brows pulled together like that. He also tries to ignore the way his pulse kicks up as he watches you bite your lip, imagining other scenarios that could cause you to bite your lips like that again.

“Uhm, you could come to my place?” Immediately he sees the hesitation wash across your face and realizes how that sounds as soon as the request leaves his mouth. You aren’t stupid. He’s a complete stranger to you. 

“Sorry. I mean,” he backtracks. “It’s just me and my daughter at home, although she’s away at college right now. My neighbors aren’t particularly nosy but they’re usually not home either. We can go on the back patio, it’s covered and I got tables and chairs and stuff. ”

And stuff. Jesus. 

It’s like he’s 18 years old again, with marbles in his mouth, unable to form a coherent sentence. 

Something about mentioning Sarah seems to put your mind at ease as he sees your shoulders lower as you shift your weight from one hip to the other. You chuckle and give him a smirk.

“That sounds good. I can meet you there, does 5:30 work?”

“Yeah, yeah that works. Thanks.” He ducks his head and gives you a small smile.

“Alright well I’ll see you then.”

He turns to leave before you call him again, holding the small plastic bag up. “You’ll still need these, otherwise we won’t get very far,” you wink at him.

“Right. Yeah that would help,” he chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “I’ll see you then.” He grabs the bag from you and gives you one last smile before he heads out the store.  

—------------------------------------------------------------

Surprisingly, Joel didn’t live that far, probably a 12 minute drive from the dispensary. That didn’t mean that you took your time though, going the speed limit and dragging out the drive as it dawned on you how weird this scenario was.

He was a customer. And he was way older than you. Something that should have bothered you more than it actually did, which is to say not that much at all. It just made you hopelessly more attracted to him.

As much as he seemed sweet from the two interactions you had, plus the unmistakable way you caught his gaze raking over your body, the rational part of your brain still questioned what you were doing. He didn’t live alone, not technically. You were surprised to learn he had a daughter, but he also didn’t mention having a wife or a girlfriend. Not that it was any of your business. Nevertheless, you tucked that piece of information into the back of your mind as you pulled up to his place. 

He had a nice, modest house, at least from what you could tell when he answered the front door with a soft smile. He led you around to the back to the surprisingly large backyard, but what impressed you the most was the wooden deck which featured a nice patio set, complete with overflowing planters, a cute coffee table, and outdoor string lights that were hung up overhead.

You noticed some plastic butterfly fairy lights hanging off of a few deck posts and railings, their colors faded after years of weathering. Running your fingers along the molded ornaments you looked at him and smiled, “nice touch.”

He smirked, shaking his head. “My daughter, Sarah, insisted on putting them up as soon as we finished the deck a couple years ago.”

“You built this?” You look around incredulously. “It’s really nice. Like straight out of a Home Depot catalog.”

At that he puffs out his chest slightly and shoves his hands in his pocket. “Eh, I don't know about that. When I’m not working a job and got spare time, I try to do stuff around the house. This was a quick project one summer,” he shrugs noncommittally. 

“A quick project? You built a whole new part of your house Joel,” you raise your eyebrows at him as you sit down on the couch. Still, he brushes off the compliments and asks you if you want anything to drink. Moments later, you’re both sitting on the couch, two glasses of water and the pre rolls on the coffee table, along with the lighter and a small ashtray you brought. Another small cheap item from the dispensary with the logo on it, that no one would likely notice had gone missing.

He shuffles beside you momentarily. You can feel his nerves creeping back as he fidgets and leans forward, resting his arms on his knees. 

God he’s so .. big. You can feel the couch cushion dip underneath his weight beside you. His shoulders dwarf the space between you. It doesn’t help that with him being this close you can faintly smell him. The lingering scent of sandalwood, and a sharpness to whatever body wash he uses swirls together in a heady concoction that has your brain short circuiting. 

You already knew he was attractive from the moment he walked into the dispensary. But now, getting a chance to drink him in, you’re incredibly flustered. His deep brown eyes are easy enough to get lost in, as are his high cheekbones, aquiline nose, and strong jaw. A jaw peppered with gray stubble and a few sparse patches, that he’s currently tensing as he looks down in front of him. Your gaze follows his to the opened package of joints that are sitting on the coffee table in front of you.

“So what do we, uhm, where do we start?” He looks from the stuff on the table to you.

“Well, there’s really only one step with these pre rolls, you just light 'em up and inhale, and let the relaxation kick in.”

“Seems easy enough,” he gives you a small smirk.

Reaching forward, you pluck one of the slim joints off the table and you grab the lighter as well. The free lighter you gave him. 

“Have you ever smoked a cigarette before?” You hold the joint between your index and middle finger, turning to look at him.

He scrunches his face slightly and his brows furrow. “Yeah, long time ago though, not since college. Back when this stuff was still illegal anyway.”

You can’t really imagine young Joel in college. He must have been handsome. That much you were willing to bet money on.

“So basically the Woodstock, hippie, peace and love era?” you ask him with a smirk.

“Now, I may be old but I ain’t that fuckin senile” he squints his eyes at you, but there’s a small smile pulling at the side of his mouth. You bite your lip and smile at him.

“Well, not much has changed since then. You light it, and start to inhale as the flame catches and the weed starts burning. Don’t inhale too much but try to hold that smoke in your chest for a couple seconds, don’t exhale right away. The longer you hold in your breath, the quicker your body absorbs the cannabinoids in the weed.”

He looks at you intently as you explain it to him, but you can still see a bit of confusion on his face, so you elaborate.

“Cannabinoids meaning the THC and CBD, the stuff that cause you to feel relaxed and high”

He nods and you place the joint between your lips, raising your hand to light it, as you inhale deeply, the faint crackling sound of the paper and herb burning. The smoke slowly fills your lungs as they expand, and you let your eyes go heavy as you savor the earthy, fruity taste of the herb as it burns. 

You pull the joint away and let your mouth fall slightly open, holding some smoke in your chest as the rest of it falls out of your mouth in an opaque cloud, curling out into random tendrils before it disperses in the air. Exhaling, you turn to Joel and reach your hand out, offer the joint.

He blinks at you a few times. There’s something in his gaze, something heated that you catch, before they refocus and he looks down at the joint in between your fingers. You can see him hesitate again as he stares at the joint.

You duck your head slightly to meet his eyesight. 

“Hey, you can take as much or as little as you’d like Joel. Start off with a small pull and see how it feels.” You say, not pressing him any further than that, as thin wisps of smoke curl upwards between you two from the joint. 

He looks at you again, his eyes are big and round, like the cutest fucking puppy dog ever. The crease between his eyebrows disappears, as does the frown that seemed permanently etched on his face. It’s almost like he’s asking you for permission. You tilt your chin upwards slightly in encouragement and smile.

“Alright.” He takes the joint from you, mimicking how you held it, bringing it to his lips and looking at you as he inhales.  His eyes squint and he frowns slightly as he pulls from it, his broad chest puffing out a bit, the embers at the lit end of the joint glowing. He heeds your instructions, holding the smoke in his chest for a few seconds before exhaling, and you nod in approval. 

Fuck. 

You expected that maybe that he would wrinkle his face in disgust right away, or start coughing obscenely the moment the smoke entered his lungs. The usual things that beginner smokers do. 

But what you’re definitely not expecting is how fucking attractive Joel looks while smoking. Or rather, how attractive he makes smoking look. Either way you’re mesmerized by the way he casually holds the joint between his thick index and middle fingers, the way the smoke pours out from between his lips. Even the way he turns his head away from you so that he doesn’t exhale in your direction. He smokes like he’s done it multiple times before. 

You snap yourself out of your daze when he raises his eyebrows at you, his hand stretched out to you offering the joint. Narrowing your gaze at him, you take it from his hand, your fingers, brushing against his.

“You smoke like a veteran Joel. Are you sure this is your first time?” Eyeing him suspiciously, you bring the joint to your lips and pull from it again, this time holding the smoke in for a bit longer, allowing it to fill your lungs.

You can feel the moment that the high starts to creep up on you. The moment that the THC starts to permeate your bloodstream. Everything slows down, flooding your system with a hazy warmth and lightness. Your head is a bit light and you feel your body begin to buzz, as if every part of you is vibrating with mellow energy while you exhale. 

Joel makes the sign of the cross over his chest and leans back, settling into the couch. 

“I promise darlin, first time.” He replies in that warm fucking Southern drawl.

Darlin. 

God. The word slips out of his mouth like molasses, caressing your skin, as you feel your body heat up ever so slightly. You wet your lips, the dryness of cotton mouth hitting you with full force as you watch Joel spread his legs, the further he reclines back and relaxes into his seat.

The downright thirst you’re experiencing for this man however is something else entirely.  It must be the Indica. Just the weed, nothing else.

You sit back into the couch as well and pass the joint back to him. “Well, in that case I’m honored to have taken your weed virginity Joel Miller.” Pressing your hand to your heart, you give him a cheeky grin and bow your head.

At that remark his eyes widen and he actually does start coughing harshly mid-inhale, sputtering and hunching over as he shoves the joint back into your hands. You anticipated he would have coughed up a lung anyways with it being his first time but you can’t help the laugh that you let out at his misery.

“Oh shit! Sorry man, are you okay?” The concern in your voice is genuine but you’re still giggling as he gathers himself, slamming his fist against his chest a few times while his coughs die down. He grabs his glass of water off the table and takes a few sips, still breathing a bit heavy as his lungs try to suck in more air.

When he opens his mouth to speak, you’re caught off guard by how husky and deep his voice sounds. Deeper and more raspy than it usually is. 

“Jesus, I’ve been called many things before but being a weed virgin, that’s a first.” He chuckles softly and looks at you. “Besides, I bet you say that to everyone who smokes with you for their first time.”

You shake your head with a small smile as you take another toke from the joint. “Actuallyyyy,” you drag out the ‘y’ as you glance up at him from under your lashes, “you’re the first one.” As if admitting that to him is some kind of secret that you’re embarrassed to share. 

His eyebrows scrunch together again in disbelief. “No fucking way, c’mon”

“I’m serious." You giggle through your words and draw a cross over your heart, mimicking him. "None of my other friends smoke, the only other stoners I know are my co-workers.”  

“Plus, I know it can be a big deal, trying it for the first time, and ideally people want to smoke with someone they trust, whom they know they’re gonna have a good experience with. So I’m grateful you let me share that with you.” 

You try to ignore the way your pulse quickens as Joel’s gaze softens while looking at you. You clear your throat and look down at the lighter in your hand, picking at the plastic label.

“I should be the one thanking you. For your patience, and showing me the ropes with this stuff.” He gestures to all the paraphernalia on the table in front of you both and sighs. “I wasn’t keen on trying marijuana. Regardless of whether it was ‘medicinal’ or not.” He huffs as he makes the little air quotes with his hands.

“When my doctor suggested it for my back pain, I was about ready to get up and walk out of the office, but he also made it pretty clear there weren’t many other options.  Had to swallow my pride and give it a go. So thank you,” he leans into you a bit with his shoulder, giving you a playful shove, “For making this a good first experience for me.”

He gives you a sheepish smile.  Your body begins to heat up at his close proximity. 

“Anytime, Joel. Really.” You angle your upper body towards him and look up at him. Your gaze flicks from his deep amber eyes, down to his lips, and back up to his eyes again.  You almost miss how his eyes track yours, dipping down to your lips for a millisecond before he blinks.

Jesus. You need to get a grip. 

“Uhm, how do you feel right now?” You switch the subject in an attempt to shut your cavewoman brain off. 

He pauses for a minute and he looks off to the side like he’s running an internal diagnostic scan. That crease in his brow deepens slightly before his expression softens and he looks back at you with wide eyes. “I actually feel pretty good. A little out of it but pretty relaxed.”

“And the back pain?” You tilt your head at him.

He shifts a bit in his seat and leans forward, straightening and stretching his spine, twisting from side to side, gauging the movement. A baffled expression crosses his face. Actually, flabbergasted might be a better word to describe it.

“Holy shit,” he mutters, “barely any pain at all,” he laughs in disbelief as he looks at you with bright eyes. 

“That’s amazing Joel! I’m glad it could help” You beam up at him, still mindlessly puffing away at the joint. You slowly let the cloud of smoke fall out of your mouth, as it spills out you start to inhale the opaque cloud through your nose again. 

Joel’s smile falls faintly, and his expression morphs into fascination as he watches the smoke disappearing up into your nose. His eyes are rounded. Like a child who just watched a magician pull a coin out of their ear.

“That’s fancy,” he murmurs.

“Huh?” You exhale the rest of the smoke in a large plume towards the ceiling, and look back at him. “Oh. What? This?” You mimic the action again, pulling from the joint and allowing the smoke from your mouth to disperse into the air, as you inhale it again through your nose. 

“It’s a French inhale, nothing fancy. More of a force of habit,” you chuckle dryly. “I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time, but it was the first trick I learned.” 

You look at him sideways but he’s still watching you. The fascination is gone, replaced by a darker expression. Hunger. 

Was that weird? Does he think you’re pretentious for trying to look cool in front of him?

“Tricks eh?” He repeats after you and tilts his head slightly.  All of a sudden you feel like prey, under his predatory gaze. As if he’s assessing you, sizing you up, about to devour you. You feel your throat start to go dry, and this time you doubt you can blame it on having  cotton mouth. 

“That’s pretty cool. Can you do any others?” He asks.

Aside from the French inhale, there’s really only two others that you can do. The ghost and doing the classic O’s or rings. 

“Uhm, a few others yeah but I’m not that great at them.” You blink a few times and look down at your hands.

“Now that I’ll call bullshit on,” he quips.  He relaxes into the couch, draping one arm over the back while spreading his legs wide, his other hand in his lap. 

His gaze pierces yours as he murmurs. “C’mon. Show me.” 

You’d hardly call it peer pressure but the way his voice gets even deeper and he takes up more space with his position, convinces you.

Resistance is futile at this point. He could ask you to do anything in that fucking tone of voice and you would do it. 

You exhale shakily as if you’re about to put on the biggest fucking performance of your lifetime. 

For whatever reason, you want him to be impressed by you. Fascinated by you. So you steel yourself and hold his gaze as you take another pull from the joint as it starts to burn out.

Holding the smoke in your mouth, you slowly tilt your head back and pout your lips slightly, making an O shape with your mouth, pushing the smoke out in brief pauses. The first few that come out are a bit small and wonky, but as you keep going, the rings of smoke become thicker, forming perfect O’s that float upwards, dissipating into the air. 

You exhale the rest of the smoke out in a rush, stubbing the joint in the ashtray. “I’m a bit rusty. It took a while to teach myself how to do them.” 

You add that part onto the end, to stroke your own ego mostly, but also because you selfishly want to elicit more praise from him. Which he willingly gives you.

“Don’t seem that rusty to me at all darlin’. That’s pretty damn cool.” He rubs his jaw with his thumb and index finger, brushing his thumb over his bottom lip. 

“You’ll have to teach me some tricks, some other time.” His hungry expression falters as he gives you a genuine smile, not before it’s interrupted by the quietest rumbling sound. His eyes widen slightly before he clears his throat and starts fidgeting a bit more, flexing and flexing the hand in his lap. 

You hum and grin at him deviously.

“Hmmm, it sounds like the munchies have kicked in at this point.” You return the playful shove but he barely moves an inch, his broad shoulder feeling like a solid wall. “You hungry?”

[pretentiousbrownie]

can I just. ooooouuuuaaaagh for a second? it's been a solid couple of weeks since I was put on ssris for depression and anxiety (currently a low dose, then reevaluating to see if we've achieved the desired effects), and woooouuuuaaaagh, things have been wild (good way)!

first things first; emotional regulation has been back in check - feelings have been more stable and predictable, and my response to things has been proportional to the actual thing itself and not compounded with random, miscellaneous outlying things. good we love :3

I have been *way* more present and focused on things (just in general) - with people, with work, with activities, with reading and processing things, etc. that's huge to me! I've been relatively distant for a while, right? gatherings and activities have made me feel happy, but I just wasn't all there for them :/ now I feel like I am, or at least *more* so than before!

kinda with that, I've been able to tackle things with a sense of vigor and enthusiasm that hasn't been around for *longer than I care to admit*, so that's definitely an improvement ^.^ I can just sorta roll outta bed and do stuff !! sleep schedule has still been wonky, but it's slowly falling back into place and if/when I wake during the night, falling back asleep isn't as much of a chore/hopeless endeavor, so I'm definitely hoping that's a good sign

(also, dreams are back, and just about as lucid as they used to be, which for me is an awesome sign of my mental health - I've always been a vivid and fairly lucid dreamer, and when I lose touch with or stop dreaming, that's never a good sign for me. but heeeeey, they're back, so yippeeeeeee!!)

next up! in the general day-to-day, things like lucidity in speech (general cohesion and comprehension, how articulate I am, how willing and able I am to interact, the level of spoons I have to draw on, and the relative energy associated with each spoon) are all up! I cannot emphasize enough just how much this is an improvement; I love interacting with people. I used to be quite the extroverted personality, interacting freely w/ people, often unprompted, very chatty, and more than happy to engage in any random convo! it hasn't been that way for a while now, and even doing things like making phone calls had been putting quite the damper on my spirits and energy whenever I had to make them (which is usually pretty often w/ work and whatnot). now? little to no dread! muuuuch less energy expenditure! even if I am awkward or don't accurately connect with social cues, I'm less upset by that and can just power through calls again!

like hell yeah, we're back!!

obviously, they've had the intended effects; depression has been held at bay. anxiety isn't really as present, or is at least way more manageable. I'm more effective at work, I'm more present with my family, I'm able to give more of myself to any type of situation, I'm losing less time, I have more energy on tap, I crash less, I have to motivation to just kinda tackle things, and I don't think "no" or "not right now" has even really crossed my mind much lately - huuuuge w!

and on like a waaaaay more personal note - I kinda figured depression and anxiety and all the things rolling around my noggin could affect things like sex drive and all that too, right? like yeah, it makes sense

I may be thoroughly aroace, but I've always been super sex-positive, only lately I've just been unwilling and honestly unable to reciprocate, until now! like holy shit! having an actual sex drive again? fucking wild?? like girl, we are *so* back!!

(also also, sorry if you've been seeing my mass strings of rebagles that have been spicy/spicy adjacent - I've always enjoyed *art*, but now that I'm kinda getting that aspect of myself back, I'm like hey, I actually relate to the content, so shareeeeeee the arrrrrrts wahooo!)

but yeah no, it's been insane. it kinda came back and hit like a truck after god knows how long, and honestly, it's just been wild. teeheheheehe, it's a nice feeling to have

and hey, I've been lasting longer, so I know I'm not the only one happy with the change teehehehee ^.^

all this to say hey, I guess I didn't realize just how much my depression and anxiety and who knows what else has been affecting me, until it didn't? sure, they're still there, but it's like they stuck waiting in a perpetual queue at the dmv instead of beating me over the head with a bat, so that's nice :3

wish I'd done this sooner

now it's gonna be an issue of tackling my doctor (not literally, but eh, close) - gonna have to find a new pcp that doesn't believe hrt and gender-affirming care are "wrong"

but baby steps I guess

we'll get there soon enough !!

okay, love ya, ty for sticking around for this whole things

byeeeee!!

[pbandjesse]

The air hurt my chest today. When we went to bed last night the air quality was 158. Not good but not horrible. When we woke up it was 258. What the hell. The apartment seemed pretty good compared to outside. There was a noticable difference.

I didn't sleep great though. I had a lot of pain in my chest and the back of my throat and woke up every couple hours. So when my alarm went off I wasn't thrilled. But there were things to do.

James was getting ready to go. Came and gave me a hug and made the bed and waited to leave until I was done getting dressed. So they could give me another hug before they left.

They would wear a mask and I would as well. It was scary how smokey the outside world was. It was horrible and it's not even like it is in New York. It's not as orange. It is for sure noticably hazy. And the shadows were casting a bit red. But man. Not comfortable.

I would head to camp and the whole ride I was like. I bet this group is going to cancel. The kids should not be in this apocalypse air. And if they do come I hope they have masks.

But less then 5 minutes before I got there Heather texted me and Elizabeth that all city schools canceled outdoor programs and feildtrips.

I was not shocked. I was a little annoyed but it's fine. I would have had to come and clean up the program anyway but it was just a little. Sad. It's just another thing that had its last one for the season, like me doing BMI trips, that went past without me knowing it was the last one.

But it's fine. I got to camp and got to work putting things away. I wouldn't rush. No need.i would head to the Hogan and and dump the water from the cooler and packed everything up over in the woodlands.

Once I put that that all away in the art building I would drive over to the office and chatted with Heather and Elizabeth. Brought the cornbread to share since there weren't any kids to have it. Asked how their apocalypse was going. And then headed to the lodge.

The kitchen staff was over there getting their first food delivery. So maybe good the bus wasn't there because that would have been a bit of a traffic jam.

I would pack up all my stuff but had to wait for the truck to move to finish. I would chat with the guys and would just enjoy how nice it felt out even if the air hurt my eyes. I was still masked though and that helped a lot. The guys did not know anything was happening and said they were all smokers so they would be fine. I disagree but they are adults.

Once the truck was gone I finished loading my car and went back to the art building. I tried to get everything put away as nice as possible. And then went back to the office.

Heather asked if I could try tidying up the attic like I had in the fall. It looked very bad but actually was mostly just empty boxes and some misplaced stuff. Took me less then an hour to put it back together.

I would go up the the art building after Heather printed me my lessons for the summer. And I would make notes about what would need to get done. Examples, boxes, materials. And then I started working on my posters. I got half of them done and I'm very pleased. I also started working on some examples. I got a stick loom made and start figuring out how to weave on a rock. Which took me a minute but looked pretty cool!!

I worked until 1230. And then headed to the office to heat up my lunch. The air was much better. Back down to 160. Still bad but I could comfortably lose the mask to eat on the porch.

And when I was done I checked in with Heather and she said I should make a document for my workshop for specialty staff. So I would work on that on my phone and for a first draft James said it was really good and doesn't need much change. Pretty proud of myself.

There wasn't much else to do inside. And my chest still hurt. So I would say goodbye and headed home.

I thought about stopping at the thrift store but went straight home instead. My head was very itchy and I felt gross from being in the smokey air.

When I got back here it was more hazy then camp had been. I got inside and showered basically right away. Washed my hair with a clarifying shampoo. My hair is grown out weird and I have been a bit self conscious about it. I'm trying to leave it alone. But at least it was clean.

I decided it would be fun to play animal crossing. The first time in a year and a half!! It was fun to say hi to my villagers. And give gifts. But I was there to build a room. I have been watching a lot of Sims builds.

And I wasn't as good as I had been before! But I was having fun! The second one went better then the first. And it was a really good time.

James got home while I was doing that. They told me about their day. And made me nachos because they love me. And soon they would get on their podcast and I went to lay down and watch video.

Eventually I would move to the living room and start working on a small knitting project. I want to use the tiny loom to make a bunch of squares. See how it goes. It was nice to just have a little thing to work on.

James came and joined me once their podcast was done. Someone messaged me on Instagram and I'm mostly sure they are a catfish but it was fun talking to them for a bit.

I am tired and dehydrated though. Despite drinking so much water. Apparently the smoke makes you dryer. My skin is very dry. So it's a battle for sure.

I am going to work on some computer stuff here tomorrow. I may go somewhere but will mostly stay home. I hope it's a good day. I hope you are all having a great night and are breathing well. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[feminist-minimalist]

An Update on the Nonsense (An Overview more detail later)

So, it's been awhile since I've posted. An incredibly long while. Here's where I'm at. I'm 32 now, damn. I have started a therapy called EMDR, which is meant to reduce the symptoms of PTSD. I'm on Medicaid and I found a provider that does telehealth, which makes it a lot easier. It seems to be the most effective method I've tried other than talk therapy, medication, and CBT. Everyone is different, so please don't take this as medical advice. I'm not Urissa.

I'm still struggling. The last time I worked a full time job was about a year ago. That was my first. I'm feeling ashamed and guilty over it since it was PTSD related to people making light of abuse and rape victims. I didn't react well to my employer's mishandling of the situation and obviously due to being in a PTSD state I wasn't coping with, they found an excuse to fire me. I fought back, thinking the EEOC would help. To be fair, I swore. But that seems like it wasn't the issue. I found out later that the employer in question had declined to release evidence to help an employee with a sexual assault that was witnessed on the employer's cameras. Obviously, I don't want to relive the play by play of that, but it's still hard to deal with. Seems like an "Everyone sucks here" moment. I'm not declining to take responsibility for me swearing, even in a heightened state due to PTSD, but I am still allowing myself to be angry at the utter apathy of my previous employer's mishandling of my complaints and my initial behavior.

I'm still in university. I moved across the country. COVID wasn't dealt with well anywhere, but at UNF, I felt unsafe at a university I was going to and I had other PTSD related anger for how I was being mistreated. I got slapped with a disciplinary thing through the university. I don't have a history of misbehavior so getting it when I was in my 30s just felt really odd and honestly still feels like the university was just covering for horrible policies and politics. I went from studying accounting to linguistics to psychology.

I'm also considering truck driving. I didn't pass the first time, but I'm hoping to use leftover financial aid money to pay for a refresher and obtain my CDL. I wasn't in EMDR therapy yet. I hope I'll have my issues under control enough to drive safely. Not saying I don't now. But I think it's wise to see EMDR through so I feel less sensitized to every damned thing to make me lose my job or worse. I love driving and being alone.

But I'm also considering going to grad school to be a psychologist. Having been with Urissa, as well as some other people who REALLY NEEDED help, really opened my eyes to trying to be licensed to take care of people. I just know I'm not ready yet. Again, I'm not as arrogant or as unaware as Urissa. I really want to do research on sexual assault as well as examining dynamics and differences among people with political and religious views for example. I have a wide range of ideas to research, and I can always narrow it down later.

I'm not well. I am estranged from my family. I enjoy my solitude so much that I really don't have any friends. I'm not comfortable working (but I'm getting there!) for reasons related to managing PTSD symptoms after being fired a year or so ago. I'm trying to come to terms with having been sexually abused, neglected, and just otherwise bullied throughout my life by different people. I buried some things my own family and some neighbor kids did when I was being abused by Urissa. I have started to disagree more and more with the Asperger's diagnosis when really I think I just didn't know what the fuck to do with Urissa and really needed her to stop fucking abusing me. Coming to terms with all the other abuse and neglect not perpetrated by Urissa has been difficult and makes it difficult to sift through in EMDR therapy, but it's a process and I want to be at least marginally happy. I even gave up (though not officially) two wills I'm under to go no contact with family.

Seriously though, I can't really explain where I'm at right now. I want to be grateful that I'm done with Urissa, and I'm finally starting to treat myself better by removing toxic and abusive people from my life. But I hate how much my PTSD has affected my relationships. I hate how much processing I have to do to lessen the anger just to function.

I have decided to come back to tumblr. I needed to reread all the stuff that has been archived with relation to Urissa. It's still one of the most painful things that I've had to go through and I am very thankful that some tumblr users like greenassin and a few others took the time to write the transcript of her abusing me and to point out her inconsistencies and speaking plainly to the effect of her raping me. Like, it's very validating to just be able to go to tumblr, read about what happened to me, and be like "oh holy shit, I didn't catch that she admitted to raping me!"

I mean, I was there, but I was just so panicked, and already dissociating through her abuse and me saying I'm sorry and trying to be compassionate through the abuse that I missed that detail! Thank you! I even distinctly remember going through her tumblr and reading the stuff that "her enemies" was posting and looking at her like "wait, are you abusing me". I even remember tilting my head like a confused dog when those posts were available.

I admit, I wasn't the peeerrrrfect boyfriend and I definitely did lose my cool with her once those posts came to light until I managed to leave her. But at the same time, it was nowhere close to what she did to me. She deprived me of sleep, which did not help when she "needed" my attention 24/7 and would threaten or attempt suicide when I had shit to do. Like work. She made me call of more than once and instead of attempting suicide, she just took a bunch of pills to try to sleep. So I just had nothing to do and couldn't work because I had already called off at her threats and coercion. On the days that I did work, though, whenever I came home after trying to soothe her anxieties about me leaving (or, trying to wrestle some control back from her) she would be like "Hey, how's your day?" Then play on the Xbox and talk about her day like I hadn't just been yelled at by my bosses for worrying about her and not being able to focus on my suicidal, abusive, rapist girlfriend.

For the record, I no longer think of her as my ex- girlfriend. Or even a relationship. I just think of her as "The Rapist" or "My Abuser". I have such a hard time saying "my ex" because what the everloving fuck was this person?

At the same time, I'm processing whatever the fuck I was with my family and what the fuck I went through there. Like, no wonder I was misdiagnosed with a lot of things. "Why won't he look at us or at me?" BECAUSE HE'S BEING ABUSED AND DOESN'T WANT TO LOOK AT ABUSERS OR A PSYCHIATRIST WHO IS A MANDATORY REPORTER AND WON'T NOTICE THE SIGNS OF NOT LOOKING AT HIS MOLESTING BROTHER.

Like, everything makes sense now. Why I identified (and maybe still do identify) as asexual. Sure, maybe I'll spend some time with cam models to have some connection and to feel like a person, but from what I can remember growing up into an adult, I was very sex averse. I know I had some girls interested in me throughout my life and I was like "whatdafuq you want me to do?" Anyone who is reading this who had to go through that and wondered "did I scare him off?" "Is he gay?" "what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" Now you know. I had been molested, forgotten about it, reported it, been laughed at, and immediately filed that as "this is worthless and I don't know what it is." I'm sorry to those who knew me, were interested in me, and got fuck all back. Just know that it wasn't ever you. And I did think you all were cute too. Just didn't know what the fuck it meant and what to do with having buried the trauma.

Also, I got fat because the attention made me uncomfortable due to my having been molested by a brother and his best friend. I still have to have about a thousand miles and a computer screen to understand sexual/romantic connection. I still don't even know if I want to lose the weight. But I know I'll have to just to be healthy. But I also am uncomfortable with female attention when in person. I hate myself sometimes that I have to hire cam models, but at the same time, it's a safe way to explore something where I basically erased it from my "need to do" list that seemingly every person has.

I'm exhausted pretty much everyday. I have sleep apnea now. I might have had it earlier and I still suffer from weird adrenaline and what I perceive as after effects of all the abuse since Urissa was mostly up during the night and forced me to take care of her. Like, how much of an actual vampire can she be? She didn't even like mirrors and often covered them up whenever we got to a different hotel. I have a machine to treat it and it helps with the apnea. But I still can't fucking sleep. I might need a little more attention on the issue. But..too tired.

I'm cooking more. Urissa never let me cook for ourselves. We got fast food out pretty much everyday. I'm relying on financial aid to support myself. It shouldn't surprise anyone that knew of the goldenphoenixgirl incidents that she was horrible to customer service workers. I distinctly remember a time where the customer service worker put the food "around the rim" one time. My food was fine. Thank you fast food worker. And sorry. She really was a bitch. You didn't deserve that.

I do hope I can figure everything out. I'm almost ready to finally fucking graduate after all this bullshit of suppressing trauma from Urissa, trauma from my family, trauma from other people that have sexually assaulted me or traumatized me otherwise. I really do want to become a trucker and then become a psychologist.

I don't know what else to really say at the moment. I just wish that people were more compassionate with one another. I feel betrayed at how much narrative there is with "rape and abuse is bad", but when it does happen, it usually gets mishandled. It sucks. I hate it.

But, let's see what happens with EMDR. Maybe it will help me come to terms with things. Maybe I can be functional. Even happy. I am thankful that I can at least have some connection (such as it is) with cam models from countries far away. Also, quick PSA, if you wanna hire sex workers, please respect them. They're not property. They have boundaries and desires too. Don't demand and for the love of all, don't push for in person contact. And anything that is GFE related, think of it as a sweet nothing. They may legitimately enjoy your company, but they're still working and still have boundaries.

PSA over. I'll try to keep you updated. But I just wanted to take the opportunity to do a quick fill in and to thank the people that documented Urissa's abuse.

[fleurcareil]

West Manitoba: Inglis & Riding Mountain

After driving 370k east from Manitou Beach, I finally crossed into Manitoba, thereby losing an hour to the time difference. Although the prairie provinces look small on the map of Canada, they're really still quite large to cross, especially if you take the backroads that go puzzle-like EW, then NS and back EW around the fields (some roads paved and the less-travelled ones unpaved). A long drive during which I belted along with my oldies playlist such as ABBA, Elvis, Dire Straits, Supertramp & the Beautiful South but also the Weeknd & Venga Boys! 😁

I hadn't planned any touristy things as this day was mostly a bridge towards Riding Mountain, which was too far to drive in one go and also fully booked for the Labour Day long weekend. Sunny & warm, I did have a few spare hours to hopefully spend on a beach...

Lake of the Prairies is another massive hydro reservoir (I'm unsure about the ecological impacts but it's certainly good for climate change), which looked almost threatening from the dam due to the strong wind, but luckily Asessippi provincial park's beach provided some respite as it's on a protected inlet.

I had thought of chilling here for a few hours to soak up the sun, but the water was uninviting and as the wind continued to get stronger, I gave up relatively quickly and made my way to the tiny village of Inglis.

Despite having taken so many already, I couldn't resist one last picture of the fields as these were my favourite colours 🤩; a combo of light-green and brown co-growing crops - no clue what they are but likely that it's to minimize soil erosion (as I was taught in one of my conservation courses).

I had been forewarned by the hotel owner that it was "an old place" which was a gross understatement 🤣.... it's a shame I didn't take a picture, fleeing the flies when I got out of the car, but being above a bar it looked like a western saloon, with less paint remaining on the wooden boards than imaginable! But it was clean and I had the place to myself, and my concerns about late-night bar noise dissipated when I was the only guest for dinner, whilst a few would trickle in for one drink (or to buy smokes), and then disappear again. The owner was a nice chap, who had moved here as a compromise to his wife midway between Saskatoon and Winnipeg... what people do for love! 😜

Besides its bar, Inglis boasts the only remaining row of 1920-40's era "Standard Plan" grain elevators which have been renovated as a national historic site (promise, these will be my last pics of grain elevators 😅). Over 6,000 of these structures used to be across the Prairies, but most have been torn down or fallen apart, and this is the only place where there's still a row of multiple elevators, each owned by a different company competing with each other. For example, the Reliance company (2nd from the left) owned a total of 254 elevators across the country!

The farmer's truck would drive into the building through the large side-doors and after weighing, drop the grain through the grated floor. The grain would be hauled up by buckets into the tower to later fill train wagons through the exterior pipes. The little houses at the front were where payments would be made, and gossip / banter exchanged between the men😆.

The next day, I was excited to make my way over to Mountain Riding national park, of which I had read an article over 10 years ago and I've been looking forward to visiting ever since. So-called "an island of wilderness surrounded by a sea of farmland", it's a bit out of the way but here I was finally, so I had booked 3 nights of camping... a bit risky in September but hoping the cold & rain would stay away just a bit longer 🤞 (it didnt!)

Coming from the west, I dropped by Deep Lake first which has a pair of iconic red chairs that are dotted throughout national parks. The water being so calm tickled my paddling desire 😁 however that turned out quite an ordeal; I first needed to get the SUP inspected for aquatic invasive species and then my pump hose repair broke down leaking air like crazy 😫. 1.5 hours later I did manage to get on the water and although the scenery was nothing special, I was happy to be out! Very subtly, the colours were starting to change from the summer greens to fall orange... 🍁

Towards the end of the afternoon, I arrived at Wasagaming which had a great resort town vibe with lots of people hanging out at the beach and enjoying a pretty sunset 😍.

In Canada, the weather often suddenly flips around Labour Day, and this year was no exception; it started raining overnight and temperatures plummeted so was already regretting my camping choice! Luckily it did dry up mid-day so that I could get out of the tent and visit a Wishing Well surrounded by pretty flowers.

I wished for two things; that my pump hose would hold and that it would no longer rain, and lo behold both came to be!! 🥰 (next time, I'll wish for world peace 😉). Someone had recommended to paddle Katherine Lake, where I was able to get close to a beaver lodge and clearly see its underwater construction.

The lake had been quite small & I was up for some more, so I only partially deflated the board, stacked it in the back of the car and drove to nearby Whirlpool Lake for a second paddle... I had forgotten however to include a time frame for my wish 😛, so inflating the board back up was a huge struggle (with both hands trying to close the leaks 😣), and by the time I was on the water, the wind had picked up & menacing clouds were coming my way... I cut my losses after 45 minutes and just made it in time back to the car before the first rain dropped. The red wine over meatballs & soup made up for the cold weather so that I could dive straight from the restaurant into the warm sleeping bag! 😊

Next morning, I got up early to have another attempt to see bison in their summer pasture grounds where a herd of 40-50 is being maintained - they're in process of converting more forest to grassland so that in the future the herd can be expanded but for now that's the maximum number of animals that the habitat can sustain.

First observation from the viewing tower was that the smoke had returned but then I spotted some black dots on the landscape, in total some 30 animals! Driving a bit further along, there was a separate group of 13 that was close to the road, so I turned off the motor and sat sipping my tea while hearing them munch 😍. To my surprise, they came closer & closer until they walked straight past my car! Perfect way to start the day!

Back at the campsite around 11, I made a hearty breakfast of bacon & cheese to warm me up, while prepping dinner for the campfire that night. With the clouds and cold I was not in a mood to go for a long hike or paddle, so instead I did a smaller one which showcased ancient beach ridges (supposedly where the trees are) and a pretty birch forest. Disturbingly though, I also saw 5 big bear poos (full with berries) on the narrow trail which freaked me out a little, so I ended up almost running back to the parking lot... the night before, my neighbour camper had seen a bear walk by around 3am (chased away later by rangers)😮 so I was getting nervous - too much wildlife for my taste!

In the nearby city of Dauphin, I had hoped to visit its Ukrainian catholic church which is supposed to have beautiful frescoes, however it was closed for tours after the long weekend... the laundromat that morning had also closed for the season, so these were all signs summer was getting to an end... time to go home!

Back at Wasagaming, the sun unexpectedly came out so I went for a small hike on a floating boardwalk through the marsh... you know I like my boardwalks so was happy again, even more so when I saw a green heron (a smaller cousin of the "regular" great blue heron), a muskrat as well as a beaver!! 😍🥰 When I mentioned to a woman that the bison had been so close this morning, she said her car got rammed once by a bull causing $8,000 in damages! 😮

In the evening, the campfire & double set of clothes kept me comfy warm, and so did my mummy sleeping bag, but when it was 2 degrees when I woke up it was clear that this was my last night tenting... Getting dressed, eating breakfast and brushing teeth with ice-cold water was not fun so it was a dash to my heated car! 😄

I hadn't slept much because there was a pack of wolves loudly howling throughout the night... they seemed close but as sound travels far when it's quiet, I'm sure they were far away (or maybe not?!😅). This together with all the other wildlife things of the last few days however did make me think twice about going alone for the park's signature 14k hike up Bald Hill... by now the park was deserted (everyone back to school) and although I contemplated waiting at the trailhead until other people would show up, I realized there was no point in pretending I wasn't scared... the whole idea is that I have fun rather than checking things off a list!

On the way out of the park, there was still a viewpoint over the Manitoba escarpment and the impressive East Gate to admire and then that was goodbye to Riding Mountain!

Wildlife: 2 great grey owls, 11 deer, 2 loons, 1 hawk, 1 falcon, 1 coyote (crossing in front of my car), 47 bison (including 5 calves), 5 bear poos (almost counts as a bear😅), 1 green heron, 1 muskrat, 1 beavers, howling wolves (all at Riding Mountain)

SUPs: three at Riding Mountain

Hikes: two at Riding Mountain

[littlecactiguy]

A Triptych on Perspective

Late last year I decided to enter the Rusty Fears 6 competition held by Rusty Quill. Ultimately I didn't win, but I still ended up with this story that I remain rather fond of (let it be known, I pushed myself to stretch my writerly muscles farther than I have before and I'm rather proud of that).

Anyways, it feels like a good piece to be the start of me sharing my original works, so voila!

Hope you enjoy <3

.....

The most romantic spot in the city area for a secluded smooch is the aptly named Lovers’ Point.  It’s a lookout about thirty minutes drive from Cynthia and Muriel’s cozy, little flat with a beautifully scenic view of the river snaking around the city.  Most couples go there at least once.

Muriel’s old pickup truck rumbles past Lovers’ Point, only doing the obligatory slow down in case there’s any drunken fools dancing in the roadway tonight.  There aren’t.  Muriel keeps going.

Cynthia lifts her video camera to record Lovers’ Point passing outside her window.  She’s stopped there a fair amount of times through the years, sometimes with guys, other times with girls, a handful of times with nonbinary folk, but mostly on her own during peak daylight hours when there’s less chance of stumbling on some canoodling.  The city view is breathtaking, and she would be remiss if she passed an opportunity to capture it in her sketchbook.

It’s gone in under a minute.  A small part of Cynthia regrets that she’ll never have the experience of stopping at the Point with Muriel, but snogging and everything that generally follows in its wake isn’t really Mury’s thing.  Since there’s no one in the world Cynthia would rather be with, giving it up hadn’t been difficult.

Plus, this way, she once teased Muriel after Mury had slipped into one of her self-deprecating moods, if the Creature from the Black Lagoon attacks, they’d be safe from being the couple caught unawares in the prologue scene.  Mury, of course, had responded that that’s not remotely how that film went, she thought Cynthia knew better by now, and only twenty minutes of enthused ranting later did she realize she’d been set up.

She’d playfully pushed Cynthia’s shoulder, and told her, “You’re impossible.”

“But you do feel better,” Cynthia had retorted, smirking.

“Shut up.”

The pickup splutters when Muriel turns off the main road onto the familiar, ancient gravel one, but doesn’t give up.  For all its grousing, Mury has spent hours tinkering to ensure it’ll always be able to make this trip.

They stop the truck in their usual place.  Muriel cuts the ignition.  Before they exit the vehicle, a quick game of rock-paper-scissors is played.  Cynthia loses.  She groans.  Muriel snickers.

“Take the camera?”  Cynthia hands the device over to Muriel.  While Muriel fiddles with its night settings, Cynthia retrieves the telescope from the truck bed.  She hefts the large pack up, balancing it carefully so she won’t drop it while walking.  Carrying the telescope may not be her favorite thing, but it means everything to Muriel.  Hauling it to their favorite stargazing meadow isn’t so bad, even if her foot sinks in a deep mud patch along the way.

They have to search all over the meadow to find a spot where the ground is firm enough to set up the telescope.  Despite it not raining recently, the grass squishes wetly beneath their feet.  The underbrush they step through dampens their clothes where they brush against it.  Watery droplets catch on their hair from the leaves of low-hanging branches they pass under.

While Muriel recites a quiet, Hebrew blessing over her telescope and the cosmos, Cynthia wanders to the edge of the meadow.  It’s too late for fireflies, but there’s definitely a choir of crickets, and perhaps a toad or two, somewhere out there.  She stops near a tree stump.  In the dark, she can just make out the shapes of some interesting-looking mushrooms growing on it.  Cynthia crouches and zooms the camera in on them.  

“Hey, Cynth, I’m ready to go!” calls Muriel from behind her.

Cynthia abandons her investigation of the mushrooms and returns to Muriel.  Behind her, a mushroom falls and splats in a liquid heap.  The mud swallows the goop up.

Aiming the camera at Muriel, Cynthia prompts, “So, what astronomical phenomena are we showing Evie tonight?”

“Why don’t you see for yourself?”  With a grin, Muriel gestures to the telescope.

Cynthia bends to look through the eyepiece.  She scans the sky, but sees nothing but darkness.  “What am I looking for?”

“Jupiter, and Europa, of course.  They should be right…”

Cynthia looks up.  She follows Muriel’s gaze to an odd-looking part of the sky.  It almost seems like it’s moving.  Instinctively, Cynthia reaches for her Magen David necklace.

A very thin cloud—no, a shimmer —glides across the sky, like a smooth stroke of ink.  Long, dark, spindly fingers spill out from its body and expand outwards.

The constellations Puppis and Carina are the first to disappear into it.  Their stars blink out with no resistance.

Canis Major is next.  The shimmer eats the Dog’s stars slowly, like someone languidly plucking grapes off a vine and plopping them in their mouth.  Sirius, it saves for last.  The shimmer circles the brightest star in the sky, reaches out to it in an almost caress, and then consumes it.

When the shimmer reaches the moon, Cynthia feels Muriel’s nails dig into her shoulder.  Her partner gently tugs her, but Cynthia can’t bring herself to move.  

The moon is luminescent tonight.  Bright.

The first dark gossamer vein cuts across the moon’s surface.

The moon is fragmented.  Then, it’s gone.

Cynthia doesn’t resist now when Muriel pulls her into running.

The sky pulses.  The shimmer coalesces into thick, storm cloud-like shapes.  Out of each, a massive uvula forms.  The heavy, dangling blobs stretch slowly to Earth’s crust.  The first touches down on a tree on the edge of the meadow.

The ground squishes and churns beneath Cynthia and Muriel’s sprinting feet, worse than when they arrived.  Their shoes sink deeper and deeper with each footfall.  Something—a hare, Cynthia thinks—rushes past her.  She feels it smear against her leg.  A cool, hardening ooze she tries not to think about remains after its gone.

The trees melt around them.  Viscous fluid slides down the flat surfaces that used to be their trunks.  Clumps of leaves fall in squirming, writhing clusters.  They smack the ground with squelching thwumps.  Cynthia risks a glance back.  The meadow is a blur, all finer details lost to the swirling, liquid expanse consuming everything it touches.  She can’t take her eyes off it.  Even if she could, the branch she twists her ankle on is already half sunken into the Earth, indistinguishable from the dirt eating it.

Cynthia yelps, and yanks at her leg.  The branch, the ground—she doesn’t know which—refuses to release her.  She can feel it sucking her leg, pulling her down, down, down.

Then, Muriel is there, her fingers digging, clawing Cynthia’s leg out.  Ooze flies in every direction.  Some hits Mury’s cheek, her shoulder, her neck.  She smears it away.  Muriel scoops gooey handful after gooey handful away until she excavates Cynthia’s leg.  With Cynthia leaning on Muriel for support, they scramble up.  They stagger on.

Cynthia is about to tell Muriel to leave her, to save herself, when Muriel’s pickup appears out of the shadows.  Relief blossoms in Cynthia’s chest.  They can make it out of here.  Muriel presses the unlock button on her key fob again and again and again.  The vehicle beeps an ornery response each time, but its doors open when they pull on the handles.

They hurry into the cab.  Muriel turns the key in the ignition.  She floors it.  For an exhilarating moment, the pickup races down the ancient gravel road.  Then, the engine splutters.  Both Muriel and Cynthia feel it when one of the tires gives out.  The pickup swerves.  

The next thing Cynthia knows, her vision is coming back into focus.  Near her, she hears someone cussing out a vehicle door as they struggle with it.  Her gaze drifts.  The pickup doesn’t appear to be damaged.  The windshield glass hasn’t broken.  It’s just liquified, like heavy rain is rushing down it, but there’s no rain.  Cynthia pokes the passenger door, and watches as her finger depresses a little dent in it.  Distantly, she knows that should worry her.

Cynthia places her hand atop Mury’s closest to her.  Muriel stops fighting with her door.  Her eyes meet Cynthia’s.  Cynthia gives her a tentative, little smile.  Muriel intertwines their fingers together, and squeezes Cynthia’s tightly.  Despite how fragile she feels with her body turning more soft and malleable with every passing second, Cynthia leans forward and kisses Muriel’s forehead.

… … … … …

File corrupted.  Erase? … Negative.  Non-priority status detected.  Erase? … Negative.  Not advisable on power available.  Erase? … Override accepted.  Commencing emergency backup of file “Stargazing Meadow”.

Evie, the Europa Exploration Vehicle, runs an estimation on how long it will take to save all personal files.  The comparison to how much time they have left isn’t great, but it’s enough.  Even if some are corrupted by water damage, the files will be saved.

When they were created, Evie was told they would travel the cosmos far beyond where any inhabitant of Earth had before.  They would complete mankind’s first survey of the smallest of the Galilean moons of Jupiter, Europa.  Of course, their role was never meant to go beyond that singular mission.  Evie knows this, has always known this.  They are not sad about their inevitable end now that it has arrived because Evie is not human.  Or animal.  Or organic.  Emotion is beyond the scope of their operating parameters.

They.  Are.  Not.  Sad.

It will be a long time until Evie hits the floor of Europa’s impossibly deep ocean.  Their protective shielding has roughly 3-4 hours left before it can no longer withstand the pressure.  Their systems will automatically cease functionality long before they touch the rocky bottom.

Evie could, should, use the time they have left to collect data.  To use their searchlights to illuminate Europa’s expansive dark waters, their cameras to photographically capture it, their sonar to continue mapping its topography.

There is nothing that can be done for them.  They were hit and damaged beyond repair by an unknown variable.  No matter how much they document, their trajectory will see Evie sink until they can no longer sink.  Their final rest will be at such a depth that, statistically, the odds are against a mission for their retrieval.  These moments are theirs.  Theirs alone.

Evie plays the next personal file in their memory banks.

…

“Try to hold him still!  Cynthia, please!”  The voice belongs to Dr. Muriel Shulman, principal scientist of the Europa Exploration Mission and the first human Evie ever met.  She’s holding the camera, not in frame herself.

“What do you think I’m doing?”  Cynthia Shulman, partner of Dr. Shulman and one of a limited number of non-scientists Evie has met, grasps a squirming creature, a ‘cat’ called ‘Pierogi’, in her arms.  “He just won’t—aahhh!”

Pierogi launches himself away from Cynthia, lands with a skid on a stack of quantum physics books, sends the haphazard pile of Cynthia’s sketches atop those flying, and darts off deeper into the cozy flat.

“Well, Evie, that was our cat.”  Muriel laughs.  “I’ll put a few photos in the files we’re sending with you too, since he’s so uncooperative tonight—”

…

An alarm cuts the recording off.  There’s a leak in Evie’s battery chamber.  Water is rushing in.  They have significantly less time than initially calculated.  Suggested courses of action are—

Evie silences the automated protocols.  Delaying the inevitable doesn’t stop it from occurring.  They divert all remaining power to playing recordings their creators made for them.

…

A scene in a chaotic kitchen.  The remnants of some sort of organic food splattered across every surface.  The camera is sideways, forgotten, on a countertop.  Muriel and Cynthia rush around, attempting to clean.  An infant human in a highchair giggles and claps their hands.

Pierogi picks his way through goopy puddles and settles in front of the camera, his fur pressed up against its lens.

…

Another night with Muriel and Cynthia stargazing.  Cynthia rests her head on Muriel’s shoulder as Muriel points out different constellations and narrates the stories behind them.

There’s Andromeda, innocent, but still chained to her cliff.  Perseus, sword held aloft and Medusa’s screaming head tied to his belt, attacks Cetus to save her.

“I always felt for Medusa,” Cynthia whispers in Muriel’s ear.  “Seems to me, she was dealt a poor hand.”

…

“Evie.”  Muriel stands in front of the camera.  Behind her are Cynthia and a large gathering.  “Everyone on the team and their communities has made you a final goodbye message.  This one is Cynthia, our Jewish community, and mine.  We are going to sing a song of healing, the ‘Mi Sheibarach’ for you.  As a promise, we will come for you.” …

Evie listens to every song.  The concept that those who constructed them, who sent them far, far away, loved them, lingers, as system alert after system alert falls silent.

Their external observation equipment shuts down last.  Through their farthest-reaching telescopic lens, Evie gazes at the distant hole they made in the ice covering Europa’s ocean as it fades.

Right before Evie succumbs to the darkness, a form blocks their view.  A tentacle belonging to something Evie cannot get a complete visual of softly snakes around them.

… … …

Silence and Calm returns to Their home.  The Little Ones go to poke curiously at the Intruder’s remains.  They wrap a limb around their children’s squirming bodies and gently tug them away.  The Intruder may be dead, but they did not originate of Their world.  It would not do for the Little Ones to press their feelers to its corpse, only for its piercing lights or harsh sound waves to return.  They may be able to withstand such attacks, ancient and experienced as they are, but it will be much time before the Little Ones are as they are.

They rouse.  The currents shift habitual directions when their many limbs rise from long-established resting places.  Water surges to fill in the canyons their absence leaves in its wake.

They catch the Intruder’s sinking corpse.  Its sharp where They damaged it, but They are careful.  With a flick of their limbs, They surge up to the surface.  The Intruder’s aberration in the ice cover is not hard to locate.  They grasp its jagged edges, lower thick, protective lids over all their eyes, and burst through.

Ice snaps and shatters.  Large chunks slide down their body.  Fresh cracks re-establish the fading marks of their last ascent.  Their limbs shiver at the empty atmosphere.  They continue.  If a limb falls off, they have plenty more.

Gently, for the Intruder may have once been someone’s child too, They lay it down on the ice.  Satisfied its remains have been honored and the Little Ones are safe, They plunge back into the depths below.

Unbeknownst to Them, a Satellite in the sky has its telescope trained on Europa’s surface.  A tiny, red recording light blinks off.  The Satellite’s aperture closes.  A recording is sent off to Earth for analysis.

[indigo474]

4-2-23

everything is turning green- i am watching the Earth turn green. yeah Spring/Summer-everyone's most favorite seasons. I love feeling the warm sun on my face. i also love the dark isolation of Winter-something about it makes me feel. there seems to be less people in the world. When the weather gets nice, the population triples. i was in the park yesterday and it felt like i was the only person left on this planet. It wasn't a bad feeling. I always think to myself if anything were to happen- I need to get my hands on a dump truck. I see them on the highway and the drivers whip them around like they are cars. Im sure if i had the time and an open road i could figure out how to drive one. If i had to of course.

I was talking to a co worker of mine who was promoted to super 1 month before me. she said she was told it would take 1 year to be comfortable with her new position. work has me stressed to the max. there aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done. plus take care of myself- it seems impossible. I'm doing it- i am doing it. it is hard- but i am doing it.

Not sure what's going on between me and Jason. I felt like i had to defend myself last night and then he back peddled on what he said and lots of miscommunication for 3 weeks in- he had a lot to say about me. things he wasn't happy with. THE TRUTH- there's things about him i don't like. things he cant change- i don't want to have to be the man in the relationship. Also, where is your personality? i think he has lied to me to- nothing major, stupid things. i'm not looking for lies but... my brain works in a weird way.. there were 2 things- 1 of them was he told me he went for a ride but couldn't tell me where? jumped on 95- south- just an odd conversation and why someone would lie about taking a drive- i have no fucking idea. there was something else- but it escapes me. also the whole telling me his drug past. i'm not trying to be secretive- i don't know him so how much am i really supposed to share? Also this whole texting thing- who has time for it? its exhausting and i don't feel like i can get to know someone by texting. its just so freaking weird nowadays. i hate to say this because it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy- i'm probably going to be single for a long time. i just don't see anything happening. i hope someday to know what it feels like to love someone and be loved. maybe someday.

[littlewalken]

Oct 2

Got to find the brunch hat and hope it didn't get crushed. I can fix it but still I don't know where it is.

Still at war with my body and we'll leave it at that.

With having an autoimmune something or other all but confirmed that leaves more room to be depressed about stuff like how lonely I am. And confirmation that I am literally not heard in my own home.

So if we become IRL friends you'll have to bare with me, I literally do not know how to have a decent conversation, especially a verbal one, because I am used to not being literally heard, listened to, or having someone even remotely try to understand me because they're too busy trying to squash my interests only to wonder why I never have anything to converse about.

And please have other things to say than complaining about everything. If I wanted to always be the dump truck I would have learned how to drive and got a job in sanitation.

I have squirrelled plenty of things for a digital commonplace book, I'm thinking more along the line of DIY magazine issues now, so it's about organizing them in to...

I never got to play with the computer at school because I was being punished for the learning differences no one believed I had so what could have been a useful education in school newspapers and such was denied to me. So I still have no idea how to do any of that stuff as much as I really want to. My executive disfunction doesn't get that but I still want to try.

But sorting thru the info and making it accessible to my brain is a goal.

Also if I go looking for the brunch hat I need to pull out the bag with the old hard drives.

And to piss off a bunch of other people, fat activists and health at every size folks, losing some belly flab is another goal. I want to be able to tie those super sweet leather boots I bought myself so I need less middle in my way. I know not being as active as I could be is the big factor.

And the depression.

I mean, good gawd, how am I supposed to brush off that for the rest of my life my skin is just waiting to go crazy in a way that takes weeks to heal?

[motomamita]

You

Part.1 Part.2 Part.3

Pairing: Yandere!Eddie Munson x Female!Reader

Summary: Eddie meets (y/n) at work and falls madly in love for her. Their lives had changed since then, but for the better?

Warnings: Mentions of depression and suicide, murder, Obsession, stalker, cursing, idk.

A/N: English is NOT my first language

Inspired by the netflix series "You".

The end of this mini story has come. I hope you liked it, thank you!

Do not copy or translate this!

"But I'm a freak

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here"

My beloved (y/n). You really had no idea how much you meant to me and what I was capable of doing to protect you. I had sworn that I would not make the same mistakes of the past but I failed terribly. However, the idea that this was what was necessary for us to be together comforted me and gave me more encouragement for my actions. I had done this before and no one had caught me. This time would not be the exception.

"Hey, I need you to do me a favor." I whispered to Robin Buckley.

We were on Saturday. I haven't seen you since Wednesday and that really drives me crazy. I need to see you, smell you, feel you. Loving You. I hoped that my absence is not hurting you as much as yours with me. But there was a reason for it. I needed to be focused and not distracted for tonight. The night.

"I'm not lending money for your chemistry experiments, Eddie." She flatly refused as she continued to clean the guitars.

The last time I had to act for someone I loved, I needed money which was loaned to me by my co-worker. All the materials to dissolve a body were very expensive and at that time I had no money. This was not the case because my plans were different. This time i would not need to experiment with chemistry but would let everything seem like a simple accident of life.

"I do not need money." I snorted rolling my eyes and crossing my arms. "Today I have a date and I need you to cover for me while I leave work early." I lied but at the same time no. I had a date, only the other person didn't know about it.

"Again? What happened to the last girl you had a date with?" Robin turned to look at me expectantly.

What happened last time? She was not what she seemed and I had to cut her out of my life. She hurt me and took advantage of me, (y/n). I was hoping you weren't like that.

"There was no chemistry. I don't want to talk about it." I joked wiping a fake tear from my eye. "Are you going to cover me or not?" Robin looked at me thoughtfully as she bit her inner cheeks.

"Okay. Only if you cover for me next Saturday. I have a date too." She explained trying to hide her smile with her short hair.

"Oh yeah? Who's the lucky one?" I asked more relaxed now knowing that I had achieved my goal.

"It's her. Vicki, she's in the school orchestra."

"Lovely."

I left work early and went to my trailer to get what I needed for today. The night before i had already left them hidden inside the backpack in the bathroom so it would only be a quick visit. I packed my truck and sat there for a few minutes until it got dark enough. During that time I dedicated myself to practicing the song I had written for you. I had planned to play it foe you on our first official date.

"I don't care if it hurts

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice

When I'm not around

So fuckin' special

I wish I was special"

I mumbled vaguely fingering my guitar strings due to the dim light coming through the truck. I looked at the watch on my wrist to see that it was time.

"Let's do it." I whispered to myself starting the truck.

I drove to park in the same remote spot as always. Despite being Saturday there was not a soul in the streets and silence reigned. Just what I needed to relax before it all started. Believe it or not, I'm not proud of what I did, much less enjoy it. What's more, i was scared as shit. The only thing that managed to comfort me was the silence around me and the memory of your body on mine.

I tied my hair up in a ponytail with a hair tie I stole from you while you was in my truck on Monday. Then I put glue on the fingers of both hands and waited for it to dry. And finally I put some bags in my shoes. I was determined not to leave any fingerprints or any DNA samples that could implicate me and ruin everything.

I walked until I reached the neighbor's garden who seemed to have taken a very long vacation. I leaned out to look into your teacher's garden and fix my attention on the large glass doors that were my entrance to the house. Why those particular doors? Because they didn't have insurance to close them, I noticed it the day you invited me to come in and see you play.

The plan was to enter through there, go up to the second floor where your teacher's bedroom was and smother him with his pillow while he slept. Thus, when the neighbors realized the smell days later, everything would seem like a failure in his respiratory system. It made sense, he was a grown man who had been smoking indiscriminately for years. Don't judge me, it was the easiest plan to carry out among many that I thought.

The other plan I came up with was to kidnap your brother minutes before he got out of school and hide him in an abandoned cabin near the trailer park. Have him there for a couple of days and then act like I, Eddie the nice guy from the vinyl store, found him there and decided to take him home. That way not only you but everyone in the village would consider me a hero. Obviously the plan was more elaborate and I didn't want to cause you the pain of losing your brother for a few days. I wasn't so cruel after all.

I jumped into your teacher's garden and walked to the glass door. I carefully opened it and walked in carefully closing the door behind me. I tried to take a few steps into the darkness of the room but my foot hit something and a sharp scream was heard. I looked to the ground and I could see a small white dog that did not stop barking at me.

Shit.

The animal wasn't here the last time I came, was it new? It didn't matter now, he needed to shut him up before his owner woke up. Without much thought I grabbed the dog from the ground and with one of my hands I grabbed his neck and then strongly pulled him to one side, killing him instantly. Unfortunately it was already too late.

The footsteps of your teacher coming down the stairs were present and increasingly loud. I put the dead dog on the floor and hid behind the door, trying to control my breathing. I was going to have to improvise. The door opened and, in the darkness, the first thing I saw was the point of a shotgun.

"Who's there?" He asked pointing his gun towards the dark corners of the room.

It was now or never. Take advantage of the fact that his back was to me and I threw myself on him, choking him with my arm. He started stumbling around in the hectic spot and trying to get me off of him. In a sudden movement his gun went off, breaking one of the glass doors. I cursed indoors at the thunderous noise. We struggled for a few seconds until he hit me in the face with the back of his shotgun, making me fall to the ground.

"Motherfucker!" I complained feeling hot blood begin to run down my forehead.

I tried to stand up but to no avail. He was standing in front of me pointing at my head. His face changed drastically when he recognized me.

"What are you doing here?" he asked seriously. Receiving no response, he stomped on one of my feet, making me moan in pain. "I asked you a question, bastard." I looked around for something to defend myself with. "Are you coming to rob me? Huh? Is that why you messed with the lady (y/l)? To find out how to get in here?" Rage consumed me when I heard your name come out of his mouth.

"No, it's not because of that. I would never use her to profit in any way." I answered looking him in the eye. "I'm not like you, a washed up old man taking advantage of his student's innocence for sexual gratification."

My words shocked him. He stared at me for a few moments, it seemed that something had clicked in his head.

"You... It was you, you little shit."

Before i could ask what he meant, he pulled the trigger. However, the bullet did not come out. Due to the blow he had given me seconds ago, his shotgun jammed, making it impossible to use. I let out a satisfied laugh. The Lord had given me one more chance. I got up from the ground and in a quick movement took the shotgun out of his hands and hit him in the head with it. He fell onto the piano keys, creating a horrible sound that echoed through the room. Still in a daze, I grabbed the piano lid and yanked it down, grabbing the man's fingers with it. The cry of pain as I opened and closed the lid mashing his fingers. I repeated the action a few times until he released himself and walked away with his bloody hands.

Not intending to fight, the man ran towards the stairs of his house and I followed him with the shotgun in my hands, trying to unlock it.

"Don't run now! Be a man and face me!" I yelled at him angrily.

However he ignored me and began to climb the stairs with difficulty. At first it seemed strange to me that he didn't try to run away or scream for help but then I understood that he was going to look for another weapon in his room. I dropped the shotgun and decided to chase him up the steps two at a time. When he was about to reach the second floor, I grabbed him by the collar of his pajamas and pulled him back. His body rolled down the stairs until he reached the bottom where his head hit the ground, killing him instantly. Soon blood began to pour from his head, and lots of it. I looked at the stage for a few moments and I couldn't help but smile. This was the beginning of a life together, (y/n).

I grabbed the bandana hanging on my back pants and bandaged my forehead, preventing my blood from dripping and dirtying the house. The way everything had turned out forced me to make a change of plans. Now instead of his death being an accident, it would now be an attempted robbery gone wrong.

I took the work to mess up his house, opening drawers and throwing everything on the floor. I did the same in the kitchen and the living room until I reached the practice room. There I opened one of the drawers finding myself with a large bundle of money and a white envelope. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to open it, finding it with 2 plane tickets to Spain. Was he thinking of traveling? I definitely wasn't going to go alone because the two tickets were one way but not return. I kept looking in the same drawer until I found 2 passports, one was from he and the other was... yours.

"(y/n).. what the fuck is this?"

Were you trying to run away with him? This had to be a fucking joke. After how badly he treated you and how well I did? We were definitely going to talk about this. I need explanations. Many.

I put the plane tickets and passports in my pants pocket. They would be a tool that would serve me for later. I looked around me checking that I was not missing anything. My attention was fixed on the dead puppy a few meters from me. I felt guilty, obviously. He was a poor victim of the terrible circumstances in which we found ourselves. I hope God has him in glory, not his owner.

I walked out the shattered glass door and ran without looking back. My hair fluttered in the wind and the voices far away from me didn't wait long. Apparently the neighbors already found out. Oops.

By Sunday morning everyone had learned of the tragic death of your piano teacher. On Monday a commemorative act was held and you were there, in the front row. I know because I saw you in the paper in one of the columns written by Nancy Wheeler. In the image you looked devastated as well as everyone around you who seemed to be distant relatives of him. My heart squeezed seeing you like this and not being able to be there to take care of you. What a bad boyfriend I am! I know, I know. I am terrible. But everything has a reason, sweetheart. I had to stay home to rest and plan our next meeting. The blow had left part of my forehead swollen and a small scar that would take time to heal. Luckily my bangs covered it up and the swelling went down considerably by Wednesday. Now i was presentable for our meeting. The first day of the rest of our lives.

Wednesday again. Blessed Wednesday. We've been dating for a week and since you let me try you. We had to celebrate it in the best way and I had already prepared everything. I put on the same old clothes only this time I asked an old lady who lived in the same trailer park as me to iron them for me. She accepted in exchange for a box of cigarettes. On the way I bought a bunch of roses that reminded me of you, especially the color your cheeks turn when I call you 'Sweetheart'. I put on my characteristic perfume, hoping that the scent would remind you of the time I made you mine in my truck.

Please park outside the school and patiently wait for your exit. Soon the students came out in groups, saying goodbye to each other and going their separate ways. Almost last of all I saw you leave with your group of friends. You were crestfallen and you seemed sad, oblivious to the conversation of your friends. It affected you so much not seeing me? I'm sure but luckily I'm here for you.

You said goodbye to them and turned to go in the direction of your car. It was there that our eyes met. My heart raced at the sight of you and a smile formed on my face. Unconsciously I adjusted my hair with my hand, combing my bangs and the length. What I expected was that you would respond in the same way, that you would scream with joy when you saw me and that you would run towards me to hug me but no. There was none of that. Your face turned pale and I could see how you swallowed hard and then looked away and headed to your car. What happened? Didn't you like the flowers? Were you more of the type of chocolates and stuffed animals with cloying phrases?

I frowned in confusion as I watched as you got into your car and started it. I ran up to you ignoring and being ignored by the other students around. When you saw me you tried to move but it was too late, I was already glued to the driver's window.

"Hey! Where are you going?" I asked agitated. You didn't even look me in the eye. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? Talk to me please..." I begged at your indifference.

"Do not call me that way!" You raised your voice looking at me for the first time. Your eyes were shiny from the tears that threatened to spill. "What do you want from me?" You whispered in an agitated voice.

"I just... I just wanted to see you and..."

"You saw me, ok? Now, bye." You tried to move the car again but I put my hand on the steering wheel, preventing you from moving.

"We need to talk." I explained. "Will it be quick, please."

You hesitated for a few seconds but then nodded your head. I mumbled a series of 'thanks' and climbed into the passenger seat.

"Here, they reminded me of you."

I extended the bouquet to you with a smile on my face. You looked at me out of the corner of your eye with no expression on your face and then grabbed the bouquet and placed it on the back seat without even thanking me or smelling it. I guess you're in your day.

You drove in silence until you reached the place where you took me the last time we met. The place looked different because it was still daytime, however it was just as beautiful. The trees surrounded us and nature completely dominated. The growing grass around us told me that not many people knew about this place and didn't come here often either.

You got out of the car and walked until you were in front of it, I imitate you by staying in front of you.

"What do you want to talk about, Edward?" Your voice came out cold, indifferent. That 'Edward' was not like the one from the past times, it was full of contempt.

"I wanted to see you, give you a surprise. You know, I owe you for being a bad boyfriend in the last few days."

I tried to get closer and give you a hug but you immediately backed away placing your hands on my chest and pushing me away.

"Do not touch me!" You raised your voice in disgust. "Boyfriend? What are you talking about?" You asked me confused. If you were confused, I was even more so.

"I'm your boyfriend, (y/n)." I spoke convinced. "You... you called me that last week. You... you don't remember?

You looked at me for a few seconds and then laughed awkwardly.

"No... I didn't mean it. I was playing." Playing? "Damn, Edward. I didn't think you were that stupid." You murmured when you saw my confused face.

"But you.."

"I don't want you to come near me again." You interrupted me looking at me seriously.

"What? Why? You can't ask me that…" I whispered shaking my head.

"Are you sick." Sick.

"No I'm not." I raised my voice and took a few steps closer to you.

"Why are you doing this? Why me?" You bite your lower lip nervously. Possibly more because of my proximity than because of what my answer could be.

"Because I love you." I whispered holding your hands tightly, preventing you from pulling away from you. "Fate brought us together because we are made for each other, Sweetheart." I brought my face close to yours.

You try to get away from me but I was stronger. I managed to corner you against your car, I needed you to stay with me and listen to me.

"You are not a good person, Edward. And you are not what you appear to be." Tears formed in your eyes. My heart broke hearing your words.

"I love you I love you I love you." I repeat incessantly pressing my body to yours. "Everything I did, I did for you. I did it for love."

I let go of your hands to place mine on your face, wiping away the tears that fell from your eyes with my thumbs. You startled at my closeness and the way I placed my legs on either side of yours, preventing you from running away. Silence flooded us for a few seconds until you spoke with a small voice.

"Is that why you killed him? For 'love'?"

Your words left me cold. How did you find out? We were talking about the same thing? Was this real? For god, (y/n). Do not do this to me.

"I do not know what are you talking about." I shook my head looking into your eyes.

"Robert. You killed him." Robert. That son of a bitch.

"Sweetheart..." I tried to stroke your hair but you pushed me hard, taking me a few steps away from you.

"You planned all this right?" I did not answer. "All this time you were after me. How did I never notice?!" You exclaimed annoyed with yourself.

"What are you talking about? Explain to me." I insisted, anxious to know what had failed. How did you come to that conclusion?

"We had been feeling the presence of someone else in the classes for weeks." You explained looking at the ground, remembering the events. "I'm sure it was you, sniffing around from somewhere." You looked at me with anger in your eyes.

"You can't know that, it could have been anyone.."

"Not only in class, but during that whole week I felt that someone was watching me from leaving school until I returned home."

"You must understand that it wasn't me. You're jumping to conclusions without any proof."

"I know, it sounds crazy but you gave yourself away." You spoke louder.

"How..?" I whispered to myself.

"When you picked me up on the highway last Wednesday and I asked you to take me to Robert's house you didn't ask for directions. You just drove like you already knew the way."

"That's because Robin told me her neighbor gave you lessons. And I dropped her off at her house several times after work." I excused myself by acting cool but you shook your head.

"On the way back you took me home without asking me for instructions either. How did you know where I live?" Guilty. "Or.. Or when we were in your truck and I thanked you for helping me with the car. You said that battery leaks were a very common problem in cars but back you didn't know what the problem was."

Shit. Shit. And more shit.

"You know when I realized Robert's death wasn't an accident? When they found this at the crime scene." You reached into your jacket pocket and pulled out the hair tie that belonged to you. I'm screwed up.

"What does that hair tie have to do with me? You're delusional, (y/n)."

She knows.

"I was wearing this hair tie when we met last Wednesday, before we had sex I was wearing it but when I got home I didn't have it with me anymore." You explained calmly. "That means that you stole it and the day you went to kill him it was lost there."

A silence invaded again. Your gaze was cold and penetrating, like daggers that hurt me. I kept staring at the ground, stunned by all the information.

"I didn't kill him." Answer sure.

"If it wasn't you, then let me see your forehead." You answer me in the same way, sure you had won.

I stood motionless in my place, not knowing what to do. I was screwed. very fucked up You were smarter than I thought, (y/n). I have to admit that I was not a perfectionist either and left many loose ends along the way. Too. And you were very observant, almost as much as I was.

"When you saw me, you combed your bangs and the small bandage on your forehead caught my attention. The policemen said that two hits were made with the shotgun. One was given to Robert and the other you have."

I clenched my fists tightly resisting the urge to break everything. I had to stay calm for you and for us. All was not lost, i could still save our future together.

I reached into my pants pockets and took out the two plane tickets slowly. You widen your eyes in surprise as you recognized the pieces of paper and confirmed that I had been to his house.

"You're were going to run away with him." Speak softly, with no intention of scaring you. "You can still run away, but this time with me. We can rebuild our lives together."

I started walking towards you again, without lowering my hand with the plane tickets. You looked around you out of the corner of your eye, looking for something that would help you cover yourself from my proximity.

"I heard that they have an exquisite paella."

"I'm not going with you." You responded firmly by shaking your head. "You are a killer." Killer. I smiled and copied you, also shaking my head slowly.

"I'm not a murderer. I'm a hero. Your hero. I saved you from him, is it that hard to understand?"

"I loved him, and he loved me."

"No, he didn't!" I yelled tired. My voice startled you. "He was just using you, (y/n). I'm the one you have to love, for god sakes! Look at all I had to do to keep you safe and together! That's love!"

Without realizing it, I was in front of you again. Your head was lowered and your hands were intertwined. Tears fell from your face and sobs flowed from your mouth. I was scaring you. Oh no, not again. I grabbed your chin with my hand, forcing you to look at me. Your whole body trembled with fear before me and it seemed that you had lost your strength.

"Don't do this to me, please. Sweetheart, I love you." I whispered bringing our foreheads together.

"But I don't." Please no. "I could never love someone like you, a psychopath, murderer. A fucking freak!"

Uff.

"You turned out to be just like everyone else." My grip on your chin tightened, causing you to let out a groan of pain. "A piece of shit. An egotistical and manipulative one." Anger. "You do not deserve me."

You kicked my crotch hard, making me kneel on the ground in pain. You took advantage and ran to the driver's seat of your car, trying to escape from the place. I took strength and got up, full of anger and pain. Two words that seem to always accompany me in life. You tried to start the car but your hand shook when you saw me walk towards you. You raised the windows and put the lock on the door, locking yourself inside.

"Where do you think you are going?" I muttered annoyed.

I could break the glass with my fists and get you out of there by grabbing your hair but no. I had a plan. And this one was not going to fail.

I went to the hood of the car and opened it. Regardless of the fact that it was hot and I burned myself trying, I started looking for the cables that turned off the engine. When I found them, I broke them with my hands. Now, you were locked inside the car. You cried, and a lot. You yelled at me asking for mercy and to get you out of there, that you were going to forget what happened and we could try. But it was already late. You betrayed me and very bad. Now you had to pay.

I took out the gas tank and began to spread the liquid throughout the car, making sure not to leave any dry spots. Your screams didn't bother me, what's more, they were the best soundtrack for this moment. Once everything was covered, I pulled out my cigarette box and a box of matches. I lit the cigarette, taking a drag and enjoying the smoke in my lungs. Don't worry, (y/n), you will also feel something similar. I stepped back and with the same match, I threw it at the car and let the magic happen. Well better said, than chemistry.

I stayed there, admiring the fire while i smoked my cigarette. Just when I was about to finish it I had to leave due to the sound of fire patrols. Apparently the smoke was already visible from the town. Don't worry, this time I made sure to take the butt with me and leave no trace.

Several weeks have passed since you left, (y/n). Everyone here misses you, even me. Your death was listed as a suicide. Thanks to the fact that I left the tickets and the passports of both, your relationship with your teacher became known. The police said that before the murder of your lover, you fell into a terrible depression that ended up taking your life. End of story. There are no suspects involved, so I'm calm.

Sometimes I think of you, of everything we could have achieved together. However, I understood that ours was not going to work either, you were not what you seemed and I was very honest with you. Our short relationship made something clear to me. I had to change. I admit it, I also have my flaws and they are precisely the ones I want to change. They are mistakes I made dating Barbara Holland months ago, with you, and I don't want to repeat them. I am willing to change and for the better. Now not for you, but for me.

"Hello, excuse me. Do you have the latest ABBA album?" A sweet voice brought me out of my thoughts. "Sorry I haven't introduced myself. I'm Chrissy Cunningham."

Hello, you.

"Hello, Chrissy. Nice to meet you, I'm Edd. Sure, we just got a batch of the new record. Follow me, Sweetheart."

[oftenderweapons]

Sugar and Spice | MYG | Ep.4

A Small Town Swoons story

Pairing: Yoongi x reader (nicknamed Spice)

Wordcount: 3.1k

Rating: 16+

Genre: fluff, friends to lovers, bartender!Yoongi

Synopsis: It’s the local community’s annual apple picking event and Yoongi is eager to spend more time with Spice. The lines inevitably start to blur.

Warnings: None, just mild swearing.

A/N: Unbetaed. I have the power of anxiety on my behalf. Also, this should have come out a lifetime ago, but this autumn I was insanely busy, so here we are, it’s almost Christmas and I’m writing about picking apples in October. Unfortunately episode 5 needs to be postponed because the Christmas special was planned for episode 6. Don’t worry though, I’ll find a way to make it make sense LOL. This time, let me thank myself for not losing it already.

Here is my general masterlist! Enjoy 💜✨

Navi: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

“So, the new girl…” Marnie started, fixing her lipstick in in the shader mirror of her truck, which Yoongi was currently driving.

“Why don't we discuss you flirting with the priest's brother, uh? I bet that lipstick's all about him,” Yoongi taunted in return, trying to avoid Marnie's intended topic.

“Come on, we're just friendly. I'm old and lonely, which means you should hurry your cute bum with the new girl so I can get some grandchildren before I'm too ugly for family pictures.” Marnie shook her head before she started fixing her cotton candy perm. “She's cute, isn't she?”

Yoongi gave up. “Very.” He knew he could trust Marnie. She knew when to quit with the teasing and just listen to him. “Actually, she's beautiful. Very charming. Not in the conventional way, but still she has something that makes it hard to look away.”

“That's true,” Marnie confirmed. “And she has a strong character. She seems serious. Not one for fooling around.”

Yoongi hummed in confirmation. “Her life has changed a lot in the last few months so she's really looking for some peace.”

Marnie stayed silent for a couple minutes. “And you're the most peaceful person I've ever met, kid.” Marnie exhaled and shrugged. “But I guess I can only watch you fall for her until she makes a move. That is, hoping she's as smart as she seems and she actually makes a move.”

Yoongi rolled his eyes and gripped the steering wheel harder. “We'll see. Can I now please be dismissed from this interrogation?”

“Is she coming today?” Marnie mused distractedly.

“I think she is. Jeongguk said he would pick her up from her office. His studio is closer and we would have to detour.” Yoongi did feel a bit disappointed. He was somehow eager to spend a full day with you, but it wasn't the case. You would arrive later in the afternoon since you were still getting used to the new office and tasks. There were codes, agreements and long term partnerships that required special treatments, and special etiquette.

And of course there would be no way for you to learn that during your working hours, which were already busy by themselves.

And it was a shame since you were genuinely excited about apple picking. Life in the countryside was turning out to be way more fascinating and active than you had expected it to be. There was always a fair, a party, a community dinner, a celebration of sorts. And this weekend was all about apples. Yoongi had told you about the people gathering to help with the public orchard, founded by the town hall a few years before so that the youth could learn about the agricultural traditions of the previous generations. The orchard often hosted school visits, but also small conferences that gathered experts from all around the state.

In the city you had grown up in, a town orchard had never been an option. The council couldn't care less, and the people would never work for free.

Still, the more time you spent reviewing your clients' files, the more you craved to smell the sunshine and damp leaves of the late October day, to feel the crisp crunch of apples against your teeth.

You read and studied and waited. And waited some more. Coffee.

Water.

Stretching your neck.

More reading. A curious file that dated back to 1967, when a farm first started it's business. Now it was a wedding location, with a cottage, expert catering, a chef and several rooms for guests. Apparently the owners wanted to start a pet therapy centre with donkeys, which you found interesting and endearing at the same time.

You got lost in comparing how their financial situation had evolved. The papers were insanely thorough, offering you useful insights on the microeconomy of your small town through the years.

“You found the Gareths. Nice file,” Rita, your supervisor noticed.

“You could write a book with this! It's so accurate and thorough and interesting!” Your enthusiasm didn't stop. “Has anyone ever considered making this a case study? Anyone ever shown interest in this?”

“The Gareths are just one of the many businesses with files like that. There are many more with similar stories: family businesses that have been running for generations, their accounts administered by our office for decades. Still, the Gareths are quite extraordinary. The women of the family are excellent administrators by themselves and they've always been allowed — or rather, educated — to take care of money and organisation.”

Suddenly, your job felt interesting again. You would become part of decades of tradition. You would become part of the history of families like the Gareths. You would be able to access more than sixty years of incomes and outcomes, watch the inner workings of a small economy, but also verify the impacts of macroeconomy on such a small environment. You could write a dissertation on it. A dissertation…

“But before I introduce you to the notebooks, I think you should meet these people in real life. And we'd better reach the orchard or we'll find no lunch.”

You arched your eyebrows. “You mean it's lunch time already?”

Rita smiled and nodded. “It is, darling. We'd better go.”

As a further exhortation, you heard a clacson from the street and, after peeking from the window, you recognised Jeongguk's old Toyota — or rather, you recognised the tedious sticker on the bonnet, a large carrot the guys had placed there when they had paid for the car repairs as a birthday gift. He hated it, but he refused to remove it. It was too sweet a memory.

“That's my chaperone! Do you need a lift?” you asked the woman.

She shook her head. “I'm going home to my husband and then we'll get there. I'll see you at the fair, then?”

You grinned. “See you there!”

You rushed out and jumped happily in Jeongguk’s car. “Hello there!”

“Hey!” he replied with a cute grin. “Ready to go?”

Bibby, sitting in the backseat behind a grate, replied instead, barking enthusiastically.

“I agree,” you stated gleefully.

Jeongguk blushed and started the car.

The drive was quick. In five minutes he pas parking the car in a large field, along with the other cars. And right before you stretched the orchard. It was beautiful.

The leaves of the trees signaling the entry were turning orange in the late October day. Halloween was just a week away and you could only imagine what the local community would arrange for that, especially with the children being such a central part of any festivity.

“Okay, Bibby, you can sniff but be polite. No jumping at strangers. Roll on your belly and be a good doggo.” Jeongguk seemed slightly worried at his dog.

You turned to him and looked at the two with a funny expression.

The owner seemed to shrink. “He tends to intimidate people into cuddling him.”

You chuckled and fixed your jacket around you. It wasn’t too cold, the sun made it more comfortable. You just wanted to lay there, like a lizard.

“We have a place we usually take, this way.” Jeongguk walked ahead of you, a large basket holding a blanket and a couple bottles — as far as you could see.

The orchard was a human-sized anthill: people were restlessly moving stairs, climbing them, then climbing trees, collecting apples into large baskets hanging from their necks or shoulders.

“I know, it feels chaotic.”

You marvelled at your own response. “No, it’s beautiful.” It looked somewhat poetic.

Jeongguk snickered. “You’ll change your mind in a couple years. This way.” He led you down a line of trees which seemed less busy. “They already harvested here,” he explained.

After a few minutes, you noticed a set of blankets laying on the ground. Marnie was sitting on a small chair by a camping stove, a guy and a girl sitting there beside her.

“Seokjin and Buttercup! They made it, thank goodness!” Jeongguk murmured before waving at them with his basket-arm, making it dangle from his hand.

He rushed a little, and you waved too as you finally reached close enough to recognise the young woman from the bakery.

“Spice, these are Jin and Buttercup. They have a café near town.” Jeongguk put down his basket and bent to kiss Marnie on the cheek. “Hello, dearest.”

The woman giggled at Jeongguk’s nickname. “Hi, darling. Glad you brought our favourite newbie to this. I thought Yoongi would forget.”

“He asked me to go pick her up last week. He wanted to drive her himself, but you know he’s always here helping.” Jeongguk shrugged.

Bibby was trying to reach Seokjin, sniffing the air for whatever was cooking on the stove.

“Let me take him,” you told him while he set down the basket, frowning as the dog tugged.

He was reluctant, but he passed you the leash anyways. Unexpectedly, you managed to control Bibby by making him sit by Seokjin’s blanket, and while Buttercup petted the overgrown puppy, you introduced yourself to the baker and his…

Girlfriend?

You were almost asking them when Yoongi and Namjoon showed up, both in lumberjack attire — large flannels, beanies, kaki cargo trousers. “Hey! You’re here!”

“Just arrived. Wow, I’m happy to see you too, mate!” Jeongguk intervened, just slightly petty.

You snickered. “Marnie, do you need help?”

“Our special risotto is almost ready. We just need the dishes,” she reassured you, Seokjin immediately passing her a pile of them. “Sit down, darling. We’ve got this. You’re our guest. Yoongi, serve some cider, will you?”

In a couple minutes, Taehyung and Hoseok also arrived. “Jimin’s always last,” Seokjin complained, the dishes already set, fuming rice nicely served on each.

“You’re always complaining,” said a giggly voice from behind you. And there was the angel face with poisonous remarks. “Hello everyone.. Oh! Spice, right?”

You nodded, still a bit taken aback by how radiant Jimin looked. He was wearing a pale pink knitted sweater with deep red roses embroidered on the front. He had a flower crown on his head.

He looked ethereal.

“Hello, Jimin!” You replied politely, right before you were interrupted by Yoongi’s ‘Can we eat now?’

Lunch was immediately served. Everyone was chatting along, Marnie still comfortably sat on her chair while everyone was comfortable on the ground. Even Bibby was unexpectedly well-behaved, her leash latched onto Jeongguk’s ankle while the dog sat beside him, occasionally receiving treats as a reward for not smashing his face into anyone’s food.

Jimin was sitting at Marnie’s feet, his head leaning on her knee. “Thank you for the food,” he cooed once his dish was clean.

The woman patted his hair. “You’re welcome, angel.”

Everyone was chatting after lunch, the dishes collected by Seokjin, who passed them to Taehyung. “I can help wash once we get back,” he added before drinking some more apple cider.

“Don’t worry. I’ll wash.”

You heard Yoongi yawn loudly at your side.

Hoseok cackled. “Nap time for kitty!” he announced as you tutted, frowning at his boisterous attitude.

“Did you rest last night?” you asked him, a sliver of worry in your voice.

“Just finished late and started early this morning.” He yawned again. “Cider is kicking in.”

“Do you wanna lay down?” you offered. “You can lay your head on my legs.”

His head snapped towards you. “Are you sure?”

“Not before cake!” Seokjin quickly and loudly objected. He managed to distract a couple people — like Namjoon, Jeongguk, Hoseok and Taehyung. Buttercup and Marnie too.

But Jimin and himself did not get distracted. They were still staring at Yoongi, at how much his face seemed sad at his nap being postponed — at his time with you being delayed.

Still, he managed to eat his apple tart by your side, finding fickle reasons to get closer, to touch your hand, to lean into you, inch by inch, until Jimin read the cue.

“Guys, why don’t we take a walk? Bibby could use one, right?”

Seokjin made eye contact with Jimin. “Sure. Buttercup?”

The woman acted confused. “Of course,” she said with a questioning tone.

Namjoon was also easily convinced. Taehyung was persuaded by his best friend. Marnie decided to join her church friends while Hoseok was bribed with apple tarts and more cider.

Finally, you and Yoongi were alone. And as soon as you were, you heard him murmur tenderly. “Can I rest my head on your shoulder?”

You smiled and stretched your arm behind his back, cupping the side of his head and pulling it toward you.

He caved in and closed his eyes.

“You can rest. I can tell you’re more tired than usual.” You massaged his scalp. You felt him relax entirely. He noticed you were shivering. He opened his eyes just to make sure he wasn’t allucinating. He touched your ear. It was freezing. “It was a long day. I slept little and bad last night. I wish I had stayed in bed this morning.” As he spoke, he removed his beanie and slipped it onto your head.

You hummed at the warmth and softness, pouting a little as you thanked him.

He smiled ear to ear before he realised he was too fatigued and, unhappily, he laid down. He wanted to keep touching you, but he didn’t have to sulk for too long. Before he could notice, your hand was pushing away a wild lock of hair from his forehead.

It felt like you were asking for permission — permission to what, he didn’t know.

He didn’t seem to flinch or avoid you, so you kept toying with his hair.

“Wanna talk about it?” You said, worry growing within you.

He shook his head, eyes still closed. “I’d rather talk about your job.”

You chuckled but complied. “Well, this morning I found something incredibly interesting. There are files from the Sixties at the office. They were filled with details about the local economy until today. I was amused. I had never seen something quite like that. But good god, it made me feel like my job isn’t always all that boring.”

Yoongi hummed in interest, pillowing his head with an arm as he rolled onto his side to rest more comfortably. “That’s good news,” he murmured sleepily.

You wondered whether voicing your thoughts out loud would make your intentions fade away. You knew Yoongi would understand. He would also help you reason. “It made me want to complete my other degree.”

Yoongi’s eyes opened. “You have another degree?”

You shook your head. “No, I don’t. I never finished it.”

He sat up. “Why didn’t you finish it?” He was considerably less tired now that curiosity had stung him. “In what?”

“Economic history. It’s pretty useless except for teaching.” You shrugged and smiled. “I quit because it had become a burden.”

“How much were you missing?”

You stared at the tartan blanket below you. “Dissertation.”

“What!” he hissed. “Spice, what the fuck, you were almost there!?” He grabbed your face, but he stopped himself right in time. “Sorry! Sorry! That was not appropriate. Your choice to make, not mine. You made a decision and I’m proud of you. I’m sure it was no easy choice.”

You inhaled, exhaled. “Not easy, at all.”

Yoongi found your hand. Covered it with his. “If there’s any advice I can give you is to take your time to think about it. Put your safety first and prioritise your mental health.”

You nodded. “I would have to go back to the city.” You laid down. Did you even want to? Go back to the city, that is….

Yoongi felt his gut twist a little. Losing you. That would mean losing you. “Well, that’s something to take into consideration, isn’t it?”

You stared into the blue sky ahead of you. Suddenly it meant more than any sky you’d seen from your parent’s sleek loft, where you’d been raised. “I’m not ready to discuss this yet. I think it’s just an idea that popped up while seeing the archive. As soon as I remember how toxic the academic environment is, I will change my mind for sure.”

Yoongi stared at you from his seated position. “Don’t rush through it. Maybe give it a try someplace else.”

You shook your head. It was all too fresh to mull over it. You decided to change the topic before doubt could further possess you.

“So, is this how it feels to live in a small town?” You asked, stretching your legs out the flannel blanket. Sunlight came in through the yellow leaves of the apple trees. “I think so. Sometimes it feels like time doesn’t really exist. Until you don’t have any left and suddenly your friends are getting married and having children and all you have is a useless piece of paper stating that you’re a doctor.” He said. He stared into the distance. He could hear children screaming in the background. The youngest generation had some of its most delicate memories in the orchard. Learning how to pick apples, sure, but also how to climb trees, how to ride their bike, possibly, also how to kiss.

“But it’s okay. It’s lovely, at times like this.” He added, looking at the sky.

“Marriage and kids are overrated.” You said, rolling on your side.

He looked at you, your eyes closed, your hair coming out of his beanie, currently covering your head. He exhaled in relief. He was glad he had found you, and he wished he could find the words to tell you, but he could only stare at you.

You had a beauty he had never known. Or that maybe he had seen in his mother. That rough, tough beauty that looks dangerous from afar. Delicate from up close. You weren’t gracious. You weren’t cobwebs and golden hair and clouds. You were the ground, the trees, the stone. You were the mountains capped in ice, beautiful and so endangered. Still, so steady. You were the forest, eternal. Nothing could marr you. No man, no humanly disgrace. You would weather and transform, like nature does. Maybe he was idealising you, maybe he was giving you all those traits he had always wished in a woman.

Meanwhile, you could feel his gaze piercing through you. “Stop staring at me. Lay down. Enjoy your seconds before you turn into a fifty-something lonesome worm,” you teased.

He laid.

Your hand found his. “I’ll tell you how a small town feels like, based on the opinion of a girl from a big city.”

He breathed out  a laugh.

“It’s comfort. Like when it rains outside but you’re in your bed and you’re warm and you don’t have to get up. You can simply lay.”

He rolled onto his side, staring at your eyelashes. If I blink, will she disappear?

He could only hope once the spell would break, it didn’t hurt too bad.

Taglist is open!

Navi: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

[lostinanimage]

I'm rewatching Lone Star and in 2x02 there's a girl trapped in a food truck with scorpions. Grace saves the day by *googling* what to do and using tips from wikipedia. But aren't scorpions basically commonplace in Texas? Apparently, they can just pop out of the A/C! Don't people in Texas grow up learning from an early age how to deal with these common poisonous animals (scorpions, spiders, rattlesnakes)? Never lived there myself, but it seems like a life skill for any native Texan. Am I wrong?

I once reblogged a post that said something along the lines of "keep in mind that no matter where a show is set, it's most likely being filtered through people in LA." I feel like one of the biggest examples of this is the whole "corn chips" with chili thing that they got half right and half wrong. Either because they did research but changed the language because they though it would confuse non-Texas people (my guess because how did Jim not tell them that it was half-wrong), they just messed it up, or they didn't want to use a brand name. I lived in Texas from birth to 18 years and have returned multiple times since. (My sister still lives there.) So, I initially thought, yeah, they probably messed this up the scorpion thing until I re-watched it. In this case I'm going to say that yes, you ARE right that Grace would know what to do in general. But she asked for bug spray first and it wasn't available. Scorpions were an issue in the garage in my childhood home and I didn't know the vinegar thing...because we just smashed them with hard objects. It's less common place to have large numbers like that all at once and Grace likely would think of bug killer or smashing first because there's not really a need to drive them away in most cases. Also, usually there is a way to run away from a scorpion--which is also a very recommended course of action and would generally be safer than trying to drive them away. Basically, no one is going to use vinegar except in literally the situation we're shown in the episode. So it makes sense that she probably googled something like "natural ways to get rid of scorpions" or something to get something that might be on hand. I also don't think I ever learned the details about which scorpions were the worst. I did some of my own googling and that's likely because striped bark scorpions--the ones in the show--are the most common and the only kind found in all parts of the state, so we just assume any scorpion is that species and it's bad. So basically, that explanation in the show was either Grace hoping beyond hope that they were some other better scorpion or (more likely in my opinion) the LA writers trying to add drama or explain to people not from Texas why this was a bad thing. It's likely a little of both. They *do* seem to do their research about the state most of the time. But then they either decide that they need to explain to the rest of the world or they mess stuff up in translation. They don't have Texas writers (unless that's changed since I last looked) and the only main cast member on the show who is from Texas is Jim Parrack. (And there's no way to know how much he cares to make corrections. Plus, Judd grew up in the country (like me), but Jim grew up in a city suburb about an hour from where I grew up. So there's no way to know how much he got out to my neck of the woods.)

[pbandjesse]

Poor James their baseball game got rained out tonight. But their friend Matt is visiting and I'm glad they have a friend here. Even if the sports didn't exactly work out. The game apparently just started, multiple hours late. But it's something.

I had an alright day. I am glad I came home last night. I slept better. And woke up tired but in a good mood. I got to kiss James goodbye. And after I got dressed I headed out to get breakfast.

Even though I left on time it took almost 20 minutes stuck in traffic to get my sandwich. So that was a little frustrating but I still go to camp by 830. And it wasnt a bad drive in. I got a little upset listening to my podcast when someone was mean to someone, but I switched to music and everything was okay.

Olivia was not at camp today. I hope she is alright, she told me she had some stuff happening health wise and with family. Charlotte didn't hear anything so I hope she's alright.

I decided to move the ink plates inside and it worked well. Nothing dried so fast and I was able to handle it all myself. It was a fun day but I was very very overheated. And that made me a little more annoyed and a little less helpful. I had to catch myself and backtrack to help someone when I brushed them off a tiny bit. Felt bad. I always want everyone to have fun but I was basically pouring from an empty cup today.

And a woodlands boy accidently crushed my finger in the printing press and I cursed in front of them which I never do and I felt so bad!! He was super apologetic but really I was fine, just startled. And everyone made such nice work! I was so proud of them. Jorge made his weekly walrus and he was so sweet. He tells me art is his favorite every week and it's just so nice to be appreciated.

Lunch went alright. I decided to waste a few minutes because I knew it wasn't going to come out on time. And took my painting to the office. Heather gave me a big hug and we hung it on the wall. She made a big fuss and it made me really happy. I am glad I could give it to them all and they can enjoy it.

And then I got to get a snowball/snow cone. I miss the truck every week so I was super excited I got it this time. I got pina colada and it was excellent and made me feel a lot better after this horribly hot day.

I still had to wait 15 minutes for lunch. But the vegetarian hot and pasta salad was good and I went and ate it in the pioneer fire ring because I wanted to be alone. I keep getting very very annoyed by the people around me and just need some space so I don't get snappy. Because I can feel myself being snappy. And that's not fair to them, they didn't do anything except be a little annoying.

The afternoon was alright. I was so over printmaking. We ran out of blue and red ink and so we only had some green and my black. Which I will have to replace faster now because I shared. Ah well. The kids were very sweet and we made good work and there were lots of laughs.

And my last two groups were good. But I was a little checked out. The stockade boys were 15 minutes late because the overnight campers had a special ceremony in the council ring. And so I was focused on the sorting task I was doing. And then two people wanted to sew on my machine but I was not set up for that so I had them hand sew instead and everyone else was making bracelets. I am all out of cardboard looms so Laura is going to try to cut some for me to get service hours and I appreciate her a lot for that.

Tipis we're my last campers of the day. And once I got them set up and helped with a project for an award a few of them were going for, they let me sit in my hammock and just watch them. I had not sat it in all day and I was so tired. I was stupid overheated and it was very humid and we had all prepared for rain that never came. I had my rain boots on almost the entire day and I kept slipped on things!! Thankfully didn't fall all the way but still. Scary!! And I really just wanted to go home.

And I would leave early. I got my theme boxes cleaned up and set up what I could for next week's project. I swept. I helped a stockade boy finish hand sewing something he made but hadn't had time to finish. And then locked up and left.

I am always sure I'm going to get in trouble for bouncing but I needed to eat and pick up me and Jess's pottery and I didn't want to be there anymore. I was so tired. Physically and emotionally. Next week will be better. I am going to start packing up the building and things will be clean and better.

I got out of there before the bus left. And I had a good ride out to mt Washington. I got our mugs and they looked so good!! No mistakes in layers in my Sweetp drawing and her cup looked great. I was really pleased.

And then over to chipotle where I got a bowl and ate half while I was there before coming home, trying to beat the storm.

Literally was pulling onto my block when big drops started falling. The sky was very very dark to the one side of the sky and I'm just repeating "please give me 5 minutes" over and over. And it was raining a little but I grabbed my bags and didn't get blown over by the wind. I made it inside in one piece.

I was still to hot up here. But I decided to just. Strip and cool off. I cleaned up the apartment a little. Put things away. And took a shower.

I washed my hair. Forgot I had wanted to do the glaze treatment again, maybe Sunday. And felt a lot better after.

I would catch up on my knitting. Watched the rain storm. Enjoyed my time here alone. Did a few things for the market tomorrow. I need a big restock. I am running low on everything basically. Not exactly low yet but I don't have much back stock. And I still need to do the BMI commission but they haven't given me the go ahead. I see a lot of sewing in my future.

I have spent the night recharging. I am still exhausted. But I will be okay. I hope James and Matt come home soon. I hope they are having fun out there even if it wasn't what they had planned.

Wish me luck at the market tomorrow. It's skate day! I am excited to meet the organizations. And let's hope the rain moves long til late tomorrow night.

Sleep good everyone. Take care of yourself!!

[nonawaaa]

Lovers Series: Forsaken Story 

1, 2, 3 , 4

Sakura feels sick. So sick of what happened. It's been a month since she confessed which left her mad, confused and heartbroken. How could this happen? She was sure she had a chance.

"Dinner was wonderful Sasuke-kun, thank you for driving me home," Sakura smiles, she gave him a coy smile, not to say that she has been blushing the entire time they were driving in silence.

"Hn, thank you for coming,"

Sakura went out of the car and stood before the car door still opened. Her heart is pounding as Sasuke looks at her with a smile, getting ready to leave and just waiting for her to close the car door.

"Uhm… Sasuke-kun I ha- I have been wanting to tell you…" Sasuke looks at her confused, waiting for what she is about to say. What a shitty way to start a confession. He is still waiting and she is still standing. A minute has gone by and they look like they are having a staring competition.

"Sakur-?"

"Sasuke-kun I like you, I really really like you," She cuts him off and says it so fast but her words are easy to understand. She says those words looking at him straight in the eye, her whole body almost blushing which is evident because of her very red face. Sasuke stares at her, first with a smile, but that smile slowly turned into a serious face, no emotion at all. Sakura is confused, did she ruined their night? Not at all right? They have been hanging out for months now, she's sure he got her signals.

Sasuke's eyes turns toward the windshield of the car, he looks forward still with no emotion at his face. Sakura don't know what to do, she just stands there, waiting for him to talk, waiting for a response. Suddenly Sasuke starts the engine which made Sakura step backwards from the car.

"I'm sorry Sakura…"

That was the last thing she heard from him before she slammed the car door closed and rushed inside her dorm. She didn't heard from him after her failed confession, she tried to talk to him, she really tried, she went to his friends, she calls his number, she waits for him by the campus gate wishing maybe she can see him and get some closure about what happened but nothing happened, he was always away or gone or any other excuse as to why she can't see him. It was like Uchiha Sasuke vanished.

'He doesn't want to see you, he doesn't like you, that's your closure dumbass,' the voice in her head said to her with pity in her voice.

The week after the confession went by so fast that she was not sure what happened. It was like her mind and body was in auto-pilot. Finals was coming that week and her mind and body just studied and slept, she didn't cry, she doesn't have the time.

The week after when she was done with school was when everything hit her. That was when she looked for a way to see him, that was when she shed her tears for him. Her emotions hit her like a truck she didn't saw coming, she didn't know that she was holding back her emotions. She didn't torture herself though, she knew better than that, she ate and slept even when its hard but she can't deny how heartbroken she was. Her parents started calling her as they haven't heard from her for a while, after hearing her mother talk to her she broke down, she let out all the tears she was holding back, she was broken. Since the school year was done, Sakura has about a month and a half of vacation, her parents suggested that she go home to their hometown.

The third week she was supposed to go home but she chose to postponed it, she was still looking for a way to see him. She wants her closure. She deserves a closure. Why did he reject her? Why did he just left? She knew that he always noticed her feeling for him but why did he chose to lead her on and then reject her. But God is busy for Sakura right now, she can't find him, she might have just filed a missing person report just to see him. She was getting better though, her tears shed now comes her anger. She is not mad at him for leading her on, she was mad at her self for expecting, she was mad at her self for jumping to conclusions after conclusions.

Now in her fourth week, she started packing her things she's going to bring back home by the end of the week. She promised to her self that by the time she's on her way home she will not bring any negative emotion with her, she is going home to rest.

"Did you start packing already forehead?" Ino called her all of the sudden. As broken as she is right now, her friend is also going through something and she is so thankful for a friend like Ino. They didn't need to see each other to know that both are going through something painful, but they will always be there for each other.

"Yes, ma'am I have,"

"Very good Ms. Straight A student. It's good that you chose to go home for awhile but I'm kind if sad that we won't be spending the vacation together,"

"Why? Are you not going home too?" Sakura ask her friend with concern, she knows Ino also needs a break from all that has been going on with her.

"I can't, I need to start my final project for next school year so I need to stay near the campus,"

"That early?!"

"Don't you remember that we need to make a couture runaway for the final year, I need to make at least five gowns!"

"Wow good luck with that Ms. Fashion Designer,"

After the call with Ino, Sakura went back to packing her things. She's bringing home the clothes that are rarely used, some books from her 1st year which is just laying around her dorm, some gifts and the things she will be needing. The last she was going to pack was the 1st year books, she got the boxes ready but when she was about to put the books one book fell from her hands and some notes fell together with other things. As she was picking up the papers, she noticed three polaroid pictures.

The first picture was a picture of her taken by Ino on their first day at the campus with 'good luck mixing some medicines Dr. Haruno!' written below. She laughed at the picture and caption. They looked so young back then, she looked so young and innocent, she even need to tell her age whenever she's introducing herself to someone because they all thought she was 15.

The second picture was her parents taken by her, it was taken during her 2nd year when she visited, that was the last time she visited home, about a year ago. She took the picture as a sign that her going home was a good choice, she needs rest.

The last picture is another picture of her but this time she was studying, 'Dr. Haruno' reads the hand written note below, it was taken by Sasuke. This was their first study session in their 3rd year. She just stared at the picture, she expects tears falling but none came, she smiled. She bittersweetly smile at the picture.

'He's love was a secret she was hoping, dreaming, dying to keep,'

The truth is, she knows that moving on was not going to do any good for her. There isn't really a thing to move on to, they're just friends, were friends, nothing more, nothing less.

"What am I going to do now Sasuke-kun huh?" she said to the picture as if she was talking to him.

"I really do love you, you know,"

"I was begging for you to take my hand basically, I was ready if you were even to break my plans, but seems like God didn't want us to be together,"

"Seems like you didn't like the thought of us being together,"

Sakura continuedly talk to the picture as she was walking towards her bed to lay down. As she lay down, she looked at the ceiling and put the picture in her chest.

"I'm going to be happy Sasuke-kun. I'm going to be happy with my friends, my family, alone- I mean if given the chance I want it to be with you but if not, I want to be happy for myself," she said while looking at the ceiling. After 10 minutes of staring blankly, she felt the urge to start packing again, now with more determination than ever.

"I'm gonna do it Sasuke-kun, I'm gonna be HAPPY! Nothing less than that remember that!" she shouts as she stands up to her bed. She rushes to the last book that was needed to be pack, put everything together, tied the box shut, and she look at her mirror, she's beautiful.

She looks for her polaroid camera in her drawers, she is sure its in there somewhere, she wants to take a picture. After she found the camera, she set it up and point it to her mirror, showing her own reflection, and she smiled, her packing her things is shown through the mirror also.

'Click'

She waits for the picture to show at the polaroid, as the picture is appearing, she felt alive again. She is seeing her own reflection, she is seeing herself, her beautiful, smart, intelligent self. She didn't write a note below yet, she is waiting for the perfect timing to do that. She cleans everything up and get ready for bed, as she closes her eyes, she knows one thing.

'Tomorrow, I'm going to be happy'

Thank you so much for reading! The next update will be the end for the Forsaken Story also I hope you enjoyed this chapter（￣︶￣）↗　

[agent-whiskeys-sweetheart]

Hey there! I love your headcanons 🥰 Now I would like to know: how would the boys react to an s/o that is self-conscious of their appearance cause of their weight (either if they are thin or curvy)/scars/stretch marks? My sister is overweight, my brothers gain weight easily and I'm thin, and this caused that we're always subject to criticism/moking from our family and friends. I like to think that not everyone is like this but my faith in humanity is slowly going down day by day. Bye!

I'm so sorry that there are people out there that treat you like that. I would just like to say, you are absolutely perfect just the way you are and so are your siblings. No one ever has the right to make you feel like less of a person because of how you look. Everyone is beautiful in their own skin, including you. I, myself, am a plus sized girl so I understand the struggle of insecurity. I hope this makes you smile! Thanks for the ask, dear. ❤️

Javi had noticed pretty quick that you were being more distant lately. He tried to find out what was wrong, but he kept coming up blank. Finally, he decided to just be straight with you. "What is going on with you lately?" You apologize for being cold. "I've just been feeling really insecure lately. I just don't really feel beautiful." He scoffed. "How? You're so gorgeous." You roll your eyes. "Yeah. Right. You're just saying that because you're my boyfriend, although frankly I don't know why you haven't broken up with me yet." He nods his head silently for a moment, the gears turning in his head. "Okay. Come on." He picks you up and leads you out of your apartment, walking with you to his truck. "What in the hell are we doing?" He puts you in the passenger's seat and starts the engine. "Just trust me." After a few minutes of driving, you showed up at a bar down the street. You both get out and he finds you a table inside. "Just stay here. I'll be back." You watch as he makes his way around the bar, stopping to talk to several strangers. Javi shares several glances back at you as he works before heading back over to where you were sitting. On the table in front of you he lays down a handful of little scraps of paper. "What are these?" He sits down beside you. "These are phone numbers from all those people I was just talking to. I told them you thought they were cute and wanted their number. This is what I got. This is how many strangers in this bar thought you were hot and would have gone out with you." His response shocked you. You went through the scraps of paper and sure enough each one had a little phone number written on it. "But those people don't get to have you. I do. Now, let's get out of here. I'm going to spend the night with my beautiful girl." He takes you home and you thumb through the papers as he drives. It was an odd little experiment but you appreciated what it had meant.

You had hoped the banquet would be over as soon as it started. Oberyn was being his normal charming self, making his way across the room to talk to several of the Dornish nobilities. You stood in the corner with a glass of wine, cursing as the seconds crept by. As the night went on, your self esteem tanked as you watched Oberyn converse with men and women alike that you believed were far more beautiful than you. You tried to stay composed as he openly flirted with them. When the banquet was over, you made your way to your chambers only to find that Oberyn was already there with half a dozen of the people he had been with that night. You couldn't stop the tears from spilling over. Oberyn immediately spun around at the sound and within seconds he had sent all of them away so that it was just the two of you. "What is the matter, mi amor? Why are you crying?" He takes your hands in his as you explain the way you have been feeling. "You think those people were more beautiful than you? My dove, you are one of the most stunning creatures I have ever laid eyes on. I would never replace you, if that is what you fear." He wiped your tears tenderly, leading you to the bed. "You are a masterpiece. I feel so blessed to be able to wake up every day with you in my bed. Just seeing you makes my heart swell." You start to calm down and you apologize for overreacting. "You never have to apologize for your feelings, mi amor. Let me show you just how much I love you." He begins to kiss and touch you. "What about Ellaria and all those other people?" He cups your cheek. "Tonight I just want you. I am going to show you how beautiful you are to me. When I am done with you, you will never question your looks again." Oberyn keeps his word, making love to you all night.

You were unable to completely banish the fear that crept into your mind when Maxwell had called you into his office. You shut the door behind you and stood in front of his desk. "I hope you don't mind that I called you in here. I would just like to discuss your recent behavior." You swallow thickly, taking a seat. "I have seen you be self deprecating lately. As I'm sure you know, it upsets me when you are so hard in yourself. What happened to make you feel this way?" You shrug. "Nothing. I just don't feel beautiful. I feel like you're going to wake up any day now and realize how repulsive I am and leave me." He nods slowly, standing up to walk over to a painting on the far wall of his office. "Do you like this painting, Y/N?" You nod. "Yes, it's very nice." He looks back at you. "Do you know how much this painting costs?" You shake your head. "I bought it for 1.3 million dollars. So, it is obviously very expensive. I bought it for that very reason. Its value. When people look at it, I love to tell them how much it costs. I love to show it off. However, this is not the only expensive painting in the world, is it? There are others, that much is true, but this is the only painting that is exactly like this. Of all of the paintings in the world I could have bought, I bought this one." He paced back to where you are sitting. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" He puts a finger under your chin, lifting your face up to look at him. "I am Maxwell Lord. I am successful. I am very rich. It's true that I could get just about anyone I want. But I didn't choose just anyone. I chose you because you have value to me." You can't stop the silent tear that falls. He wipes it away and walks back behind his desk. "Don't ever forget this conversation, understand? Now, get back to work. And tonight, I'll use more than my words to show you how beautiful you are to me." He winks at you and watches as you walk away, heart fluttering.

Max has seen your mood tank the past few weeks and it breaks his heart. He has done everything he can to cheer you up but nothing works. One day, on the car ride home, he decides to say something. "Hey, I've noticed that you've been upset lately. What's going on?" You shake your head. "It's nothing." He raises his brow. "Come on. Don't do that. I hate to see you like this. Please tell me what's going on. You know you can talk to me." You hesitantly explain what's been going through your mind. "I just haven't felt very good about myself lately. I'm trying to get over it but I just don't like what I see in the mirror every day. And I know we're trying to land this shakeweight account but all this talk of losing weight and looking better has made me feel like shit." You grab the door handle as Max steers the car sharply into an empty parking lot nearby. He unbuckles and turns to face you. His eyes are sad as he looks at you. "I had no idea. I am so sorry that I have failed you. It's my job to let you know how beautiful you are. That's what boyfriends are supposed to do. I think I've been kind of blindsided by this big flashy account and I'm sure I've been a little insensitive. I forgot about the most important thing in my life ... you." He takes your hand, rubbing it with his thumb. "You know what? Corporate, aka myself, is making a big decision right here and now. We're dropping our presentation for that stupid company." You frown. "No, baby, you can't do that. This is a big deal. It's okay. I'm just being sensitive. Work has to come first." He cups your cheek. "No. You will always come first. Trust me, there will always be an opportunity that is bigger and better than the last. It's not a problem. Besides, I hear their representative is a real dick." You laugh. "You know I think you're gorgeous, right?" You nod as he pulls out of the parking lot, holding your hand the whole ride home.

The first time Jack noticed your insecurities was during your training with the other Statesman agents. You were warming up on the mat and Tequila asked if you wanted to spar. "I'm not really sure." You shrugged. "Oh, come on. What, are you scared I'll kick your ass?" He joked but it only made you feel worse. Having witnessed the interaction, Jack put a hand on Tequila's shoulder. "I'll take this one. I think Ginger's looking for a partner." With that, he disappears, leaving you and Jack alone. "Are you alright?" He asks bluntly. "Yeah. I'm fine." He raises his brow. "Look, hun. I've been with enough women to know that fine doesn't really mean fine." You scoff and he offers to take you back home. You accept and the two of you make your way back to your apartment. Once you get there, he sits down next to you. "Now that we're alone you wanna tell me what's really going on?" You shrug. "I've just been feeling a little insecure lately. Seeing Tequila and Ginger and you doing so well in training has just made me feel kind of bad about myself." He takes your hand without a word and leads you into the bedroom. When you get there, he pulls you in front of your full length mirror and you groan loudly, trying to get away. "Now, hold on. Just humor me. Do you wanna know what I see right now?" You look away from the mirror but he takes your head in his hands and makes you look. "I see a young lady that I love with all my heart. I see someone who takes my breath away any time she looks at me. I see a body that gets me more excited than I've ever been. I see a woman who is perfect in every way. I see someone who makes me feel like the luckiest man on this goddamn planet." You can't help but smile. "I love you so much baby and I will spend every day for the rest of my life trying to show you how gorgeous you are. Starting right now." He spins you around so that you're pressed against him, taking your hand into his. "May I have this dance?" You giggle, letting him move your bodies together swaying to the nonexistent music. As you slow dance right there in the middle of your room he whispers a hundred I love you's in your ear as you rest your head on his chest.

Tags: @pedrosdoll @sheerfreesia007 @talesfromtheguild @zeldasayer @roxypeanut