#goldenphoenixgirl

[feminist-minimalist]

You Can Care and Still Be Angry at Them

I think the hardest thing about my own personal traumas is that I absolutely see the humanity of my abusers. Take Urissa. Yes, she was a rapist and overall awful human being, but at the same time, I still felt her hurt each time she took a blade to herself and started to take out all her trauma on herself.

Even though Urissa never gave me the space to deal with my own traumas, I still felt it was my duty to give her the space to deal with hers. I was angry at her a lot. For many reasons.

She coerced me into playing a game where she pretended she could get pregnant despite her hatred and abuse towards random kids we would meet. As well as her IUD. I still felt sorry for her trauma with regards to forced abortions and the like. But I was still angry at her for assuming a pro life angle when I knew her better to be pro-choice. I knew she was working through some pretty intense pregnancy trauma at the time. But she didn't have to take out her trauma on me.

Same with drugs and the bodily autonomy angle. Maybe it is her choice to do drugs and to force a hypothetical pregnancy on me to get me to stay with her. Maybe she's just "working through her trauma". But I never signed up for that mess. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle to play the committed boyfriend. But how long was that going to last? Why am I the coerced and forced enabler to her addictions? She literally played the bodily autonomy angle to try to coerce me into buying her heroin and crack cocaine. I refused. But she made me out to be the awful one by saying shit about bodily autonomy and how shitty a boyfriend she thought I was.

I wish I could say that an involuntary admittance to a psych ward would have helped Urissa. But I know the damage that could do. I also knew the damage if I forced medical care on her. So I was often stuck.

I hate Urissa not because she challenged my views on bodily autonomy and not because she was a deeply challenging person. I hate her because she really should have known better than to take out her traumas on me and others. I hate the positions she put me in. I resented her for taking my sleep and feelings of relative safety away. I resented her for a lot of things she did to me that were unfair and traumatizing.

But she still had rights. And I still know that involuntarily committing someone could do more harm than good.

I still don't know if I ever did the right thing with Urissa.

[guyghoul]

I wonder how all of those rape/harassment cases that became public around this time would affect Golden Phoenix Girl... did not one of her stories involve a senator? Also, was not one fundamental concept behind her stories her anti-parents rapind and whoring out her?

I wonder how things would have happened has she gave her stories around this time...

[bondsmagii]

a few things I remember: angrynerdyblogger, accent challenge, tagging every single selfie post with #i am a boy, The Creature, #The Walking D, Gordon Ramsay restaurant tingz, rationing cheese slices, milk curdling, the blog fish you could feed, goldenphoenixgirl, The Vanishing feat. a blank blog and a few lines (assuming it was a poem)

this is like my own personalised version of We Didn’t Start The Fire and it’s what’s playing in the elevator as I descend into hell.

[hestiasroom]

anyone been on here long enough to remember goldenphoenixgirl? what a freaking trip that was

[oceanic--mess]

Back during the goldenphoenixgirl shit I was one of the angry 'how dare you' messagers. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I thought I was standing up for someone but I was just being manipulated into harassing someone over a non-existent "poor urissa being doubted" narrative and wildly overstepping in the process. The fact she was linking someones' ask box should absolutely have been a red flag. I don't have the tumblr account anymore but I think I harassed you on magicalbiscuits

Holy shit, this was so long ago. I forgot about all that. I think i was 14 or 15 at the time, so I don't know if I really had any right to say anything on the subject at all, but her being a grown ass adult definitely shouldnt have tried to get thousdands of people to harass me for saying there were holes in her story.

It takes a lot to come to me about it, years later, and if you'd like to speak privately I'm more than happy to do so :) I hope you're doing okay, now.

[mysteryofthings]

Reading about

goldenphoenixgirl. JFC.

[mentalhealthwarrior]

Who is Golden Phoenix Girl?

tw: mention of abuse and flashbacks, non-graphic. 

Some old GPG posts must be circulating, as I recieved 3 asks about her today. For anyone looking for what happened to Golden Phoenix Girl/GPG/Ivy/Urissa, I have written a non-dramatic representation of facts. 

When the mental health community on Tumblr was still pretty small, and my blog had just started up, I started following goldenphoenixgirl. She is a survivor with a horrible story (TW: Basically everything.) 

She gave advice, and made videos on her blog. Some posts were helpful, but probably mostly due to her abusive past, she was often outright mean, abusive and misleading to others. Her blog also contained stolen art. (Her abuse does not excuse these actions, merely explains them.) She also had flashbacks relating to a murder, which many people wanted investigated. 

People got upset with her and she got a lot of hate. Then she was doxxed, putting her in serious danger, and she deleted her blog.

Her story is backed up by evidence in police reports and first hand accounts from some witnesses to her abuse, and is absolutely true.

there are many other claims that cannot be supported and should be ignored as there is no evidence to support them. 

In conclusion: the story linked in this article is absolutely true, and should be read and discussed. It is important to many survivors that steps are taken to make sure this doesn't happen again. However, Golden Phoenix Girl as a person can be dangerous to deal with, and her actions caused many people to turn against her. 

The actions of this community were dramatic, and many were morally questionable. 

The only known thing about GPG at the moment is that she is safe. 

[feminist-minimalist]

I'm Really Not OK

I had to go to the hospital for SI and was just discharged. I don't want to go to my job anymore. I don't want to do school anymore. I just want to relax. I want to sleep. I want to recharge, and I don't feel like I have the time.

[bondsmagii]

top 10 pieces of INTERNET DRAMA

god I don’t even know if I have 10 pieces that I can even talk about let’s see what I can do

everything that happens with sixpenceee tbh I’m living

when myself and @karlacton took down goldenphoenixgirl

BONE STEALING

covfefe

dashcon

all that shit surrounding the bear and the police officer

“buy my silence. permanently.”

fyre festival

when I got booted out of an admin position on a sideblog and the site owner lost her shit and tried to frame me for sending hate to a five-day old baby, somehow

ngl… the thac drama. that was wild

wow what do you know I managed it without violating any non-disclosure agreements 

[greenassin]

Does not Golden Phoenix Girl have 2 sisters?

I honestly don’t know. I don’t know much about her family. I didn’t delve into her nonsense as deeply as some of the other people rallying against her did. I mainly reblogged things other bloggers were posting and transcribed her gross video.

[feminist-minimalist]

Psychiatric Wards & Hospitals, My Experiences

I've been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, a few other things that seem to have been merged into these diagnoses after further context and I've had some odd experiences as psych patient.

First, let me say this: sometimes, they *can* help. They *can* be a way to decompress and stabilize. Everybody's experience is different as is everybody's mental health team and psych ward/hospital rules. This serves as a disclaimer to say that I am not a licensed mental health professional.

That said, I have to say, they are not the best and have served me more bad than good. Let me explain.

The first time, I called the cops on myself. I was angry and distraught that I had tried to seek him out for support because I was feeling really suicidal and depressed about my time with a hostile and toxic work environment. Even though I left, I still felt the effects. The cop was professional, caring, and receptive, to be fair. But..also, a Jordan Peterson follower. So....eh. Not great, but not terrible. I kind of just tuned out. I had a chef's knife to my chest, but called the cops before I took irreversible action. I still can remember how sharp it was, with the tip brushing up against me but also how annoyed I was that I didn't think I could press down hard enough.

So, the hospital. Honestly? I had a mixed experience, but in some ways, kind of was really...all right. I called the cops on myself to get help, and I really did feel connected to the patients there. Food was fucking amazing. I slept a little better. Had some meds. The only bad parts? An annoying conspiracy theorist for COVID as well as a misogynist, and a few other people that I just...honestly felt sorry for but still were these angry balls of addiction. They calmed down after awhile and though they were still struggling, were ok conversationalists. The only bad part? One of the employees there kept saying "he's still your dad", which didn't help though it was meant in a loving way and I took it in the spirit they were implying. Still was invalidating though. The experience after coming home sucked. I was going through it with a bad landlady. I got her fired though. Still sucked to go through.

Next! So the next hospital. Really not great. It was an inpatient/outpatient facility and they knew me on an outpatient basis. Or I thought they did. I never felt respected by them as an abuse survivor. While I did CBT shit, they kept trying to diagnose me with something that was obviously untrue. Doesn't matter what it was now though since I ceased services and really made it clear I wasn't happy with them. This was in Florida during COVID. So. Yeah. That caused some problems considering I was definitely one of those "mask up and vaccinate" types and everyone else really wasn't. It literally caused so much stress with their neglectful attitude towards my very real complaints and concerns that it brought up this trauma from BEFORE Urissa. I had body memories of my Uncle Scott tackling me out of nowhere when I was a toddler. Big drunk guy who was a careless idiot. There were witnesses but I never went to the hospital and no charges were filed even though I was crawling around. I barely could stand after he tackled me. We weren't playing football and I wasn't interested in sports. So...yeah. Anyway.

That was probably the most directly damaging one. The way they framed me was acting out. But I had been repressing this shit FOR YEARS and unsafe people and places were essentially a "get over it" thing for the people I went to for help. They also misdiagnosed me. I had to argue with them to change it. It sucked. I got blamed for things that weren't my fault.

Again though, food was fine. People mostly fine except for some annoying patients and caregivers. But the reasons why I was there was dumb. I felt like I was heightened into a psychotic break *because* caregivers weren't caring. I came back a little better with a new perspective with my trauma finally jostled, but I was gobsmacked by the mistreatment there and at UNF. Wasn't suicidal on admittance, but definitely was in a position to have a full blown PTSD flashback, turned psychotic break. I was there to get permission for a medical withdrawal, which turned out to um...not be needed. Also, UNF campus security was attempting to silence and dismiss my issues. They did that.

Next!

Moved to a different state. Felt the walls closing in after I failed my truck driving skills test and didn't have a plan to return to uni (back at uni now of course though). Confronted poor family support, financial support cut off. Emotional support always nonexistent. So. Here's the thing with that. I had tried to kill myself by starving myself and not drinking water. I went to Lovelace and they said "eh" and threw me out. I tried again. I went to my uni hospital. They checked me out. Did find my vitals to be off and a thyroid problem. Gave me fluids. Sent me to psych hospital. Guess what happened? They turned me away when I called them out on giving me an inappropriate medication! They basically told me "yes, I think you need help, but no inpatient.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I still don't know how to feel about that. I mean. I'm glad I could have my sleep apnea device at home. I'm glad I got some food (still dealing with food insecurity due to being a student and not eligible for food stamps). I'm glad I could masterbate in the privacy of my own home. But still. Food good. I felt really bad. And I was hoping for three square meals til I felt better after my suicide attempt since I had no money, but I had Medicaid!

Anyway, I think the takeaway here is that, yes, in some cases, they can help. But all I can think about are the injustices and annoyances of some of them. I'll say this much. I wasn't comfortable as a sexual assault and rape survivor forced to spend time around other people with no fucking privacy. Other people definitely exposed themselves on purpose and seemed to kind of prod me over that fact. It was deeply violating. Fuck you that One Florida Mental Hospital.

Now there was one time where I went to a psych ward just to get away from Urissa. And I really was having a major dissociative moment where I was like "what the fuck is this chick doing"?!! And that really was just a floor. No privacy. No bed. Just a fucking chair with a table like in a school. Now. I will say this. I loved being away from Urissa. I loved being able to sleep (albeit in a chair like Grandpa Simpson). The burgers and fries for food was good. Really good. But I still was just...not having any space for myself. The caregivers were overworked. But I got some time to decompress from my abusive rapist.

And that's that.

No. You are unlikely to be 100 percent comfortable and unbothered in a psych ward. I wasn't allowed electronics in any of the places I went to, which made it worse, or have any space for myself. I hated not being able to masturbate. But I never just fucking jacked it in the open like some of the other patients I was with. Sometimes you'll deal with people that will not help you get better. The only reason why I'm saying that wellllllll yes, they can be helpful is that if you are someone that has always kind of self-parented, was neglected, but still figured it out, you'll have a space to ponder without those family members that don't help and no school or work to work through it on your own. With That One Florida Mental Hospital, I literally had a psychotic break to help me through it. I've never had psychosis before or after. It was literally just my brain going "LISTEN TO ME, YOU ARE TRAUMATIZED WORK THROUGH IT!!!!" But the fact that they just kind of diagnosed that instead of straight PTSD always irks me.

Also, if you are obese and short, good fucking luck if you went in involuntarily without allowable clothes on the floor. Because when I went in, the scrubs kept breaking and actually exposed me involuntarily and that's not great for people who have been sexually abused and raped.

They really are a mixed bag. And if you wanna get better, you really have to advocate for yourself and make good faith attempts to plead your case if you are unheard.

Good luck with them! You deserve a therapeutic relationship with your caregivers and to be heard on your concerns!

[guyghoul]

The Golden Phoenix Girl – Part 2.5: Whore Slap

...I recant this. What I wrote here was toxic to both my readers and myself.

The original post is still here if you wish (because I do not want to run away from my mistakes), but I do not want the original post in plain view anymore.

[bondsmagii]

a-for-effort-f-for-execution replied to your post: top 10 pieces of INTERNET DRAMA

holyshit i forgot about goldenphoenixgirl

wish i could haha..........

[ghostie-pie]

just tried going to urissa/GPG/dirty fucking liar's blog and it's been turned into an "archive of her statements"; it's being run by a few mods and i don't really know what's going on. anyone know where she went?

[non-binaryjustice-archive]

I am not interested in messages about GPG. As a victim of much less serious abuse, I can see the signs of abuse. I have known people who have lied about abuse and I can tell the difference. You all have been very immature with this, and for your sake I hope it's not too late for her. You all disgust me and I am not interested in you trying to convince me that she's some kind of liar.

[greenassin]

Any follow up from goldenphoenixgirl? I still have her sisters facebook url and always wonder if she teuly did everything urissa claimed, and if so are her children being abused :/

I haven’t heard anything about gpg since the hype died down, nor do I know anything about her sister. Her original blog still belongs to the person archiving everything and the two known url’s that she fled to have nothing on them.

The only person I’ve heard anything about child abuse on was the blogger that was initially involved in bringing gpg’s abusive behavior to light. The accusation was made that she was abusing her children because she disagreed with something gpg was saying and as per the norm gpg tried turning it into an attack instead of taking responsibility for the shit she was spewing. As far as I can tell that woman’s children are in no danger. I’ve seen much more support for her parenting skill than I have condemnation of them, so I think it was just gpg trying to start a witch hunt so that the attention would be drawn away from her own bullshit.

I don’t know anything about her sister, but judging by everything that’s been brought to light about Urissa I have some real doubts that anyone she’s accusing of anything is actually guilty of the claims.