#and i got top surgery last year! i didn't post about it a lot but

[somekindafairy]

god i know this is a dangerous thought game to go down but sometimes i really do just wish i realized i was trans earlier, like i really am out here feeling like a real person for the first time in my life in my 30's huh. :/

[nothorses]

hi! you just mentioned you got fishmouth top surgery and I’m curious because I haven’t heard much about that kind of surgery and don’t know anyone else who’s gotten it. how was the nipple healing process? do you have full nipple sensation still? if these are too personal you don’t need to answer and I’m sorry! tysm

Nah I'm happy to talk about- especially now that it's mostly healed!

My nipples healed pretty quickly; it took about a year before I started getting sensation back, and at 3 years, the side that's healed normally is pretty much back to normal in terms of type of sensation (initially it was very tingly and weird), and getting there in terms of overall sensitivity. It also hardens & stays partially tense the way nipples usually do.

My left side had a lot of fluid during the initial post-op that they thought would go away on it's own, and it did reduce a lot, but it hasn't really gone away completely. That side is still much more numb, though it doesn't hurt or anything. That nipple still doesn't harden.

I really should go back to my surgeon again and try to get that revision. again. Insurance denied it last time because my chest was Already Masculine Enough, and I got all the way to court and still couldn't get them to cover it, so like... I just need to get my surgeon, PCP, and therapist on my side and try it again now that I have new insurance and a medical reason to back some of it up.

Fishmouth doesn't necessitate nipple grafts at all; your nipples stay entirely attached the whole time, so the healing process is a lot faster and more complete, and you don't risk rejection of the graft. Plus you heal faster in general; even my initial recovery was about 2-3 weeks shorter than double incision would have been. It's also only available to chest sizes under a certain threshold, and isn't as easily shaped into a masculine pec kind of shape, so 🤷‍♂️ my only regrets are that I wasn't louder about the shape I wanted upfront (I know I talked about it a little bit but I should have verified understanding), and that I didn't get some support behind me before I fought insurance on the revision the first time.

[2hoothoots]

So I was going through your blog (again) and found some of your stuff mentions fsau Raz having ADHD, as somebody with adhd I’m intrigued, may I have some of those headcanons (canons??) related to that? Also, I would give “a penny for your thoughts” but I’m out of pennies, so here’s various images of a drawing of ur blorbo I put next to my animals, note that a rock had to be added in one picture to keep him from flying away (BONUS: his now permanent place with the wifi guardian frog)

NOTHING brings me more joy than seeing physical drawings of these guys, like, out and about. in situations. thank you for this gift, and ALSO for the great ask because it's a perfect chance to ramble

so first of all, canon Raz having ADHD is very real to me. he's constantly fidgeting and moving around, getting distracted by sidequests and scavenger hunt objectives, always talking to himself out loud, gotta write everything down so he remembers it because there's so much to DO!, running away from home because his dad yelled at him one time and now Raz assumes he must hate him forever... i could go on, but i think there's a lot of room for interpretation there!

in my headcanon, he never got diagnosed as a kid. maybe there were some notes about it in his reports each year, sure - but a little hyperactivity and distractability never seemed to slow him down. he excelled in lessons and on missions, and when he was with his family their performances gave him something to focus that energy into. it was only really when he turned 18 and graduated to a full agent that the cracks started to show.

because there's a big difference between the responsibilities you have as a minor, and the responsibilities you have as an 18-year-old living away from home! one who's expected to cook and clean for themselves, and take care of adult life stuff, and also work the 9-to-5 office job he's just graduated into that involves sitting in front of a computer and write reports all day.

short-term, he found he could get himself to power through a deadline with energy drinks and psi-pops (a lot of psi-pops...)

long-term, something had to give. he was working himself to exhaustion, constantly stressed, swinging between days spent staring at his computer screen doing nothing and all-nighters desperately trying to finish his paperwork before the deadline. it just didn't make any sense to him. he'd finally started his job as a Psychonaut, he was living independently like he'd always dreamed, he'd gotten top surgery after planning it for so long. he should have everything he ever wanted. why wasn't he happy?

following a deep post-surgical depression, about a month before his 19th birthday Raz was living out of his car, couch-surfing or sleeping in his office. he got kicked out of his apartment after falling behind on bills and rent. it wasn't that he didn't have the money, it was all just too much for him to stay on top of.

he'd probably have stayed in that misery hole for a lot longer if Frazie hadn't marched into his life and demanded he let her help him move into a new place, or she was telling mom that he was homeless. together, they sorted through all of his possessions from the last place - everything that had been hastily shoved in his car, or tossed in a box in his office, piled in a heap that was giving him anxiety even looking at it.

things do get better for him from there.

when he eventually explains things to Hollis, she gently suggests that he should get a roommate. he ends up moving in with Phoebe, and they become pretty good friends after a couple months! something about having another person around to help do the chores and wash the dishes and share the space helps, even if it takes him a while to admit it.

he gets his ADHD diagnosis, and finding the exact right medication and dose is a journey he's still on years later - but they're a huge help in getting him to actually knuckle down and finish his work on time. and the whole thing ends up being a chance for him to take a step back and really think about what he wants to do with his life. he'd always assumed that being a Psychonaut was his dream, but he'd never really reckoned with what that dream would look like before.

in the end, he sticks with it, but also decides to follow Lili's example in branching out. he applies to study a part-time Bachelor's in Psychology on a remote course, and gets accepted. juggling missions and paperwork and study and relationships (because the whole thing made him realise he also wasn't setting aside any time for himself, and wow, dating is a thing) is a lot - but he manages to figure it out, day by day.

(Lili comes back to the Psychonauts after graduating. she and Raz have both changed a lot over those four years, but on their first mission together they hit it off like a house on fire - and the rest is history!)

[strawberryblondebutch]

before the season starts, do you have predictions based on the current rosters/draftees? who do you think will be standout players? who might have the best season? etc etc

Making me flex my creds after a couple bourbons, I see you!

The Good: Boston is the team to beat this year. They didn't lose any of their stars this year (to retirement or free agency), they got my No. 1 pick of the draft in Hannah Bilka, and Frankel/Soderberg still make the best one-two goalie tandem in the league. The only question mark on the roster is if the new-look D corps can take some of the pressure off the goalie.

Montreal didn't tweak much of their roster, nor did they have to. ARD is aging out of her prime, but you've got a window there with her, MPP, and Stacey that you need to maximize. Hope that you can get a draft seed that doesn't rematch you against Boston and maximize what you can get from your role players. O'Neill was sneaky good last year and is only 26.

The Bad: Toronto is going to regress. You can bookmark this and come back to clown on me if they get the top seed again, but I don't see the pieces lining up for a second year in a row. Campbell isn't a strong enough goalie to stand on her head every game, and they were carried by an offense that will take a hit as Spooner works her way back from major surgery. I don't expect her to hit the wall as hard as, say, Tyler Seguin did after his season from hell a couple years ago, but you never want to be in a spot where your sparkplug is a step behind. (At the time of this post, Toronto also only has five goalies under contract, which... remember what I just said about Soupy standing on her head? Yeah.)

Ottawa has one big regression candidate as well, and that's Maschmeyer. Masch not only has the most mileage on her body from last season (not her fault, Abstreiter was working through injury) but she has a newborn at home, and I anticipate the Cole Hamels problem coming into play. Hamels, for those who didn't follow the Phillies in the late aughts, had a newborn at home right before the 2009 playoffs and suddenly forgot how to pitch, because he was sleeping maybe two hours a night. I think the Charge knew Masch was primed to take a step back, and that's why they swung for Gwyneth Philips in the draft. Philips was lights out in college - not sure how she'll adjust to senior-level play.

The Ugly: Let's talk about the elephant in the room that is Minnesota. A title hangover is real, and it's made worse by the behind-the-scenes drama. When I say that I expect Britta Curl to be a liability for the Frost, I'm not just talking about her Twitter personality. I had the misfortune of watching her on the Badgers for five years, and she may have decent counting stats, but I noticed a selfish, whiny player, which carried over her to her national team play. On D, you're expecting Clare Thompson to be a major contributor after an extended break from competitive play. The one good thing you can say about Minnesota is that Heise is finally healthy. You can't tell me that AC injury wasn't bugging her the back half of last season. I do think Taylor needs to add one step to her game, and it's physicality. A lot of that was being snakebitten by injury, but she has the frame of a power forward, and she needs to be throwing her weight around like Knight does.

And, last but unfortunately least... New York. For what it's worth, they will get a Fillier deal done now that they've indicated they're open to a shorter contract. I really like the Schroeder/Levy tandem. The coaching change will do them well. Now that I've given them their flowers, I need to be mean for a second. The Sirens do not have a player who can quarterback their offense. I love Alex Carpenter deeply, but she thrives as a second choice. She buries the greasy goals that snipers and true playmakers leave out for her. Abby Roque is the same way. That was my worry about taking Fillier 1OA - Princeton fucked her up. They took a dynamic, play-driving forward and made her a passive floater. Now she's on a team of people who hang around the zone, waiting for something to happen.

Players to Watch: I'm excited to see what Izzy Daniel can do with competent players around her. Her counting stats in her Patty Kaz year weren't great, but that'll happen when you're dragging along a husk of a team. Minnesota must have seen something in Hymlarova that I didn't. I've watched a lot of St. Cloud State hockey, and they're. Well. Not terribly great. Brooke McQuigge was sneaky good for Clarkson, perennial thorn in the rest of the NCAA's side. Elle Hartje has a good hockey IQ and 200-foot vision (though she doesn't solve New York's dynamo problem). Anna Wilgren adapted very well to Mark Johnson's system last year, which shows an adaptability that will come in handy in the pros.

[hey-august]

I both love and hate talking about myself, so I'm gonna step out of my comfort zone a bit and share a lil update about why I've been less active lately 🩷

tl;dr - Am feeling sad. I'm still writing because it makes me happy, but it'll stay slow until things start turning around.

So last year was a heck of a time for me - pretty much the entire year had something going on that was stressful. (Slight tmi: This was the first time I that normal health cycles went all wonky from the stress, which only added to the feelings.)

I was on a new team (after 5 years with my prev team), there were restructures and layoffs, I no longer work with two of my favorite managers who were such pillars of support and work friends, my partner and I had to have a few tough conversations, and my dog had to have multiple surgeries for broken legs over the course of 6 months.

On top of that, I didn't prioritize time for myself, or time away from work, well. I didn't take more than a few days off at a time until earlier this month.

I realized that I was starting to feel burnt out and things were not getting better. My self esteem was dropping and not bouncing back.

I took off a full week earlier this month, which helped. I also started therapy.

This past weekend I got together with family, which we haven't done in-person in more than 10 years. It was nice and full of bonding, but we also unpacked a lot of unhappy memories from childhood. I think that chipped away at some of the healing that I hoped to get from the time off.

ALL THIS TO SAY, I'm feeling a little funky, emotionally. A lil sad, ya know? A little broken. I want to do things that make me happy, but it's hard. And the happiness seems to only last as long as I'm doing the thing.

But it is getting better. Even if it gets worse, that's part of the process sometimes. I don't like it, but it's gotta happen. So don't mind me if I'm quiet, if I say "I'm good!" or if post other things more often than stories.

I'm still here, still writing, and I'm always so happy to see yall pop up in my notifications and show up on my dash. 🩷🩷🩷

[entamewitchlulu]

I wasn't initially going to say anything, but i. honestly, i really just, could use some emotional support, i guess.

there's an awful lot going on in my life right now that's making me pretty miserable. to top it off, I recently got news from my dad that our dog, Indiana's health has gotten a pretty bad prognosis. the long story short is, he could possibly have cancer, and while there's surgery that could help, he's 15 years old, and even the prep exam for the surgery could be fatal for him. so it's unlikely that we'll end up going through with it, and a really hard decision has to be made about whether to let him go now while things are still mostly okay, or wait until things deteriorate.

I moved away from home for the first time just six months ago, and one of the things I was most upset about was leaving my dog behind, knowing he was getting old. I live an hour and a half away from home now, and I have been able to go home to visit just once in that time. I've seen him only once in the last six months.

Indiana is everything to me. I know he can't be with us forever, but the pain of not being able to be there during the last months of his life is destroying me. I have no idea what things are going to look like, if we'll have another year or two with him being in the world, or if I'm looking at a world where he isn't there anymore as soon as the next few weeks. I'm working 40 hours a week and I have a cat to think about now, so I can't just drop everything and go home to be near him for a while as much as I want to.

I'm not asking for anything in this post like surgery money or anything. Just......support, I guess. Living alone means there's no one to give me a hug most days, and I'm coping badly with it all. It's just another piece of bad news that's breaking me, and all I want is to feel a little less alone in facing it.

I just want people to know how much I love him. He is the sweetest, kindest, most loving dog I've ever known. He was found in a junkyard living in a truck and when we adopted him he didn't even have a name, just a number which was the date he was taken in by the shelter. He has a tiny little tail that wiggles like crazy when he's happy. He loves sitting in the car, not even to go anywhere, just to hang out. He's a huge fan of cheese and memorized the sound of a cheese stick opening so that he could get a small bite of mine whenever I had one. He's so good at "shake" that when you have a treat for him, he will paw the air wildly with one paw and then the other to show you just how good he is at doing it and how much he deserves his treat. Sometimes he gets the zoomies so insanely that he has to bolt all around the yard, in and out the door so fast that you'd think he was a cheetah in another life. He can turn on a dime. He's scared of fireworks and loud sounds because we made the mistake of taking him with us to a historical reenactment once and all the muskets and cannons scared him. He learned how to pull a cart once but we never kept up with it. He knows the word "rabbit" and loves to chase them around but never catches them. When he's happy to see you he'll press his whole head into your knees and lean so much that he almost knocks you over. He likes to press his whole body against you. When he lays down he sometimes splays his paws out to either side like a seal. His favorite toy is his stuffed rabbit and he cuddles with it all by himself.

I love him, so, so, so, so much. I can't be with him right now and it's killing me. I'm grieving him before he's even gone because I can't comprehend a world where he isn't in it and I don't know how else to prepare myself.

I don't know how to end this. He's still with us right now, but I don't know for how much longer. Please hug your pets for me tonight. Hold them close and remind them how much you love them. We don't get to have them in our lives forever as unfair as it is. I only wish it could be a little longer.

[solradguy]

I hope this isn't too inappropriate a question, but I was wondering if you have any advice when it comes to binders? Like, I know a lot of the minutia, but are there any companies you recommend that make good ones? I'm new to the whole actually-doing-it part and I've found conflicting stuff so I though it was better to ask someone who went through that whole thing already. Tbh I don't know anything about your transition and you might not have even did much of that but you're like the main transguy I know

No worries at all!! I'm really comfortable talking about trans stuff and what I've had to do to get where I am, so if you have any other questions please don't hesitate to toss 'em my way and I'll do my best to help out. The only major trans stuff I haven't done yet are any surgeries and changing my name/legal gender marker (pain in the ass to do in Ohio....).

I got kinda lucky and don't really have much boob tissue going on so I don't bind very often, but I do have two GC2B binders: a full tank and a half one. The full one is a lot more comfortable, imo, because I can tuck it into my pants and it kinda like smooths my entire situation out instead of squishing just my upper body and chafing under my ribcage lol. Unfortunately, GC2B's binder quality has dropped BAD in the last 5 years or so. If you can get one for free or dirt cheap then it might be worth it, but otherwise I'd avoid them.

One of my other trans masc buddies has some binders from Underworks that he really likes. He used to have one of the GC2B ones and it got a huge hole right in the middle of it after less than a year... As far as I know, his Underworks ones are still holding up and it's been over two years now. He did say that they were pretty stiff when they first came in and that washing them with just a tiny bit of fabric softener helped. Be careful using too much fabric softener on them though or they'll loosen up maybe too far. Here's their site: https://www.underworks.com/tri-top-chest-binder

I've seen people say Shapeshifter's binders are good too, though I don't personally know anyone who has one by them. They're a lot more expensive than the Underworks binders.... Here's their site: https://shapeshifters.co/

Make sure you read the sizing charts!!! The very first binder I ever bought was WAAAAYYYYY too small because I didn't read the chart very well... I've found that following the chart and then going up one or two sizes fits the best, depending on how big your chest is/how much compression you'll need.

Here's a big spreadsheet document of a lot of other trans resources with comments on specific things for each site too, like where they're based, shipping details (if the packaging is discrete or not, etc), if they're a charity, and so on. There are other binder websites listed and sites for other gender affirming clothing and packers and stuff too: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1lSKoxVant40alYL-MZAP9QekUxjl3mH2EB3MidSk0b8/edit#gid=0

There's also this post with even more resources, but it might be a bit overwhelming going through it all right now haha Including it anyway just in case: https://solradguy.tumblr.com/post/719033735814742016

Good luck!! I hope you're able to find one that both fits and is comfortable to wear for long periods ^^

[benevolenterrancy]

Fic author interview!

Thanks for tagging me @morporkian-cryptid I'm taking a leaf out of your book and being a bit late responding, oops ;;; (also, like my last one, posting this on my art/writing blog despite getting tagged on my other blog :P)

@meso-mijali @rose-of-pollux @yarrayora @sorrel-scribbles @auxiliarydetective @pazithigallifreya

1 How many works do you have on AO3?

76!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

667,467 apparently, which feels like way more than I expected. Then again, I also didn't expect to have seventy six fics on there either...

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Lost In Translation (7,256 kudos) An Overwatch fic. I was baffled when it did as well as it did while I was actively posting it and frankly I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that it's still head and shoulders above every other fic I've written. I think it must be from people sorting by kudos and creating a weird positive feedback loop.

How To Torment Cats (And Witchers) (2,124 kudoes) A very light-hearted Witcher one-shot with Ciri and Dandelion

Standard-Issue (1,143 kudos) Another Overwatch fic, this one about McCree's recruitment into Overwatch

Sunlight and Sea Foam (1,102 kudos) A Witcher mermaid!au. This one I'm still pretty pleased with, it was a lot of fun to write.

Mark My Place (952 kudos) A post-canon MDZS fic in which I get to lavish love on Wei Wuxian! A pretty impressive kudo count given that it's only a few months old

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Generally I try to! I really appreciate getting comments and I want to let people know that <3 Fandom is the most fun when it's a community and the only way to get that is to actually connect with people. Also I personally appreciate it when an author responds to comments when a new chapter drops because it helps me keep track of fic updates, so I often do that too for on-going stories :3

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don't really go in for anything without a happy ending ^^;; Maybe In My Hands I Held The World purely because I didn't finish it and stopped writing in the middle of the all the hurt and never made it to the comfort? Or Promises Misconstrued just by virtue of it.... well, being what it is.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

We only believe in happy endings here!! I really couldn't narrow it down, I like a happy ending... The Celestial Shell Game was a pretty recent one MDZS fic that was just pure post-canon fix-it and reconciliation and lightly bullying the juniors

7. Do you write crossovers?

I do from time to time, but most aren't ever cleaned up or completed to the point of posting -- they're just Fun For Me fics.

My only completed crossover is a Torchwood/MASH fic called An Officer's Guide to Surgery, Shelling & Pterosaurs. It was honestly just a wild ride to write. Very proud of how that one turned out

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A bit, but not for years. The only one I specifically remember was someone who was very unhappy that I wasn't including individual chapter content warnings, I guess because they've never read a novel?

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not often, I am Very Ace, but it does happen occasionally. Bound and Held was my most recent one, which was really just 20k of pure kink exploration because Geralt and Dandelion just have the vibe

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so...

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

One! An old Les Mis fic got translated into Chinese years back :3 that was very flattering that someone would want to go to that amount of effort

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Me and @meso-mijali will co-write stuff from time to time, but nothing that's ever made it to completion. I do use her relentlessly to help me solve plot dilemmas (or make new plot dilemmas, depending on how things are going)

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Could not tell you, 100% depends on sort of mood I'm in sorry xD I bounce all over the place. At the moment I am deeply into wangxian, to the surprise of no one following me on tumblr at the moment

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Well, any of my three current fics I'd love to make some progress on >:/ but I'm still hopeful about getting them finished, albeit slowly and painfully. I have a Hogan's Heroes dating sim that me and @meso-mijali have been working on but the longer it goes undone the more I suspect it never will be *sigh* it took so much planning but it's hard to pick up again in the middle. I also had a Lupin soulmate au called Mosiac that I feel bad about dropping. I still quite like the concept but I'm stuck on where to go next with it...

15. What are your writing strengths?

Uhh... I dunno, there must be something because people seem to enjoy my work well enough but I'll be damned if I know what it is. I think I write high intensity, sensory-based scenes pretty well? At least I like doing them a lot. And I get complimented on my character voices sometimes, so hopefully that!

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Pacing >:/ I will ramble and ramble and ramble and then need to go back and cull things until I have a fic that's even halfway readable. It's so hard to get good pacing down.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Big fan, I'm always here for a bilingual bonus. Either I understand it and get a little thrill out of it or else I just google translate it real quick. As for me writing it I generally don't because I don't want to fuck it up beyond reason... sometimes I might dabble with French if it's character appropriate.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Les Mis! I'm too terrified to reread anything from my Les Mis era because god only knows what my writing was like back then, but it was such a warm and welcoming fandom it's what finally gave me the nerve to starting engaging in fandom space as more than observer

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

...I'm not sure I have one, if I want to write about something I generally do, even if I don't get it to be "publishing" worthy... Maybe Hogan/Kinch? I really like that ship, but I've never written much Hogan's Heroes fic to begin with, I think I only have one published work, and I find it a hard one to write shippy things for

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Huh... I'm not sure. There a number of fics I've written that I still really really like and will reread (the author's amazing! she knows exactly what I like!) I'm really proud of my Torchwood/MASH crossover, it's my longest fic and took the highest level of technical skill to write. I also tend to reread A Poet Under Pressure fairly often because I do love tormenting Dandelion u.u

[silverraes]

My Top 9 albums of 2023

tagged by @mysterygrl20 tysm <3

my taste in music is kind of all over the place so prepare yourself for a wild ride, although I also listen to a lot of kpop (I've kinda been slacking on keeping up with releases over the past year tho oops) and we definitely have some overlap in favorite albums

I apologize in advance for how long this post is going to become but you're really opening the floodgates by letting me talk about music lol

(it's been a very dry year for my favorite metal bands or this list would've been even more chaotic lmao)

1) Dear Insanity... by DPR Ian

while I struggled to rank most of these, there was absolutely no question about my #1 album of the year. I only just discovered DPR Ian in 2023 and he very quickly became my favorite artist ever. you might have even seen me talk about this album an unhealthy amount of times already lol. he's just such an insanely good artist and every single song on this album is just soooo damn good.

part of why I love him so much is also the story he tells throughout his music videos and just how insanely good all of his MVs look and how well the visuals fit the music so I feel obligated to link the MV to my favorite song off this album:

(some flashing lights in this one, folks, be warned)

2) The World Ep.2: Outlaw by Ateez

everything Ateez releases is immediately getting added to my favorites, what can I say. I didn't have the money to go to their 2023 tour but I did see them live in 2022... absolutely worth the one and only time I ever caught corona. not a single bad song on this album, they're all absolute bangers.

3) Take Me Back To Eden by Sleep Token

I only just discovered Sleep Token in 2023 but I absolutely fell in love with this entire album and their style in general. almost got to see them live but then I ended up getting surgery on the exact day of their concert... :')

4) OO-LI by Woodz

I am a Woodz stan first and a human second. I'm convinced this man is incapable of releasing bad music, everything he does is just so damn good and I love how he explores a bunch of different genres while still making all of his music just sound like him y'know

also honorable mention to Amnesia which is only a single album so it didn't make the list but if you like more eerie stuff and the general vibe of his music, definitely check it out, I love it so much

5) On My Youth by WayV

WayV will forever have me in a chokehold. they've been my favorite NCT unit since their debut and honestly also the only unit I managed to properly keep up with over the last year ashgasj. I just really love their style of music and how they've actually been sticking to it

6) The Name Chapter: Temptation by TXT

It's truly been a TXT kinda year for me, I've been listening to them a lot. there aren't many songs on this album but I still love it so so much, all of the songs are great and Sugar Rush Ride is such a unique title track

7) Dark Blood by Enhypen

honestly Enhypen are part of the reason why I might have to update my top 3 kpop groups to a top 5 lol. all of their albums so far have been great and this one was no different, I still listen to a lot of the songs on it on repeat

8) RUSH! (Are U Coming?) by Måneskin

well what can I say, Måneskin have had me in a chokehold ever since they won the Eurovision and I actually got to see them live in 2023! drove all the way over to Berlin for them and everything, great album with great songs. I love both their more rock-ish songs and their slower songs and this album has a great mix of both (although I wish there would've been some more Italian songs on here)

9) MONO by K.Flay

K.Flay has been one of my more underrated faves for a couple years by now and I'll take any chance to gush about her music. there's just something very unique about K.Flay's music and this album certainly didn't disappoint. honestly, the only reason why I ended up putting this one on the "last" place is that I haven't listened to it as much as the other albums on this list

Honorable mentions!

bc once I start talking about music, I just simply can not stop at only 9 albums and this list isn't quite chaotic enough yet to properly describe my taste in music lmao

ODD-VENTURE by MCND

this is a rather recent one so I haven't listened to it enough for it to make the list, but I love everything MCND put out and this is definitely also a great album! (plus the title track is yeehaw kpop which is incredibly creative of them and I didn't know I needed that in my life)

HAPPYPILLS by Utsu-P

and this is where I expose the true chaotic nature of my taste in music lmao. Utsu-P's music is the perfect clash of world's between teen-me's obession with vocaloid and current-me's love for metal. I didn't include this album bc I still haven't gotten around to listening to all of it, but the songs that I did listen to, I absolutely loved

Phantomime by Ghost

oh you thought you made it through an entire post of me talking about music without mentioning Ghost? Hah, fool. jokes aside, this is an album full of cover songs so I didn't include it but it's still full of bangers. I reached audio cap now but I'll include their Jesus He Knows Me cover bc this was an absolute treat to witness live:

if you've made it this far without getting whiplash: congrats!

tagging (as always, no pressure, feel free to ignore this): @negrowhat @fallsouthwinter @spicypussywave @thisisworsethanitlookslike @supanuts @buddhamethods @alienwlw and anyone else who wants to do it!

[vampelune]

new year new... idk

haven't made a proper new years post in a while. i think this year kinda earned one.

tw: death, suicide, and so on

so... 2023.

where do i start?

a lot of good. and way, way more bad. but i don't want to lose sight of all the good because of it.

for the first time after knowing these guys for over a decade, i met my best friends nate, kathy, and kai in real life. spent over a week together with them, went to a con, got to share a bed with them the whole time, and force nate to eat a bunch of american food.

but. a month later, kai killed herself. and i'm still dealing with that. probably will be for the rest of my life. she was my best friend, i would call her my soulmate, my sister. she meant the world to me. i wish i could've spent every day of the rest of our lives like we spent that week in DC. i regret all the things i didn't do yet with her. all the things i couldn't do for her, to help her.

i miss her. a lot. i've just gotten to point finally, after she passed on aug 28, where just the thought of her doesn't make me spiral into misery and cut myself. i still get the feeling sometimes---i travelled again for the first time since our trip to DC, to see my childhood best friend graduate, and the entire plane ride was miserable. i just thought of her the whole time, because the last time i'd been on a plane was to see her, and then to leave her. and i kept thinking about how much i fucking wished i could've taken her back to vegas with me. she joked about it, when they dropped me off the airport, got out of the car and pretended like she was leaving with me. i wish she could have.

she made the year really stressful. from her new relationship to the constant troubles that came with it, to her psych ward visit, and then her constant attempts. over and over. and i had to keep stopping her, fighting with her. found out her whole philosophy on suicide---that it's her body her choice, and therefore anyone not wanting her to kill herself is being selfish, and that it was just a difference in philosophy. it was difficult. the conversations i had with her, i didn't want anyone else to hear. unfortunately it all spilled out, and then she took her own life.

i would've dealt with that for the rest of our lives if i had to, though. if it meant i could still talk to her, to see her again. i would've foiled her suicide attempts and argued with her and fought with her about it until we both grew old if i had to. i wouldn't have had to, i hope. but it was hard to convince her that there was any life to live other than this, for her. that she wouldn't feel this way forever.

it was a difficult year, if not for that already, but on top of that i was still dealing with the aftermath of a bad, drawn out breakup. so while trying to help her, i was barely able to help myself cope and move on from that---the fights and the shitty words and feelings. i felt pretty close to trying to attempt myself, last year. i'm better now. back on my medication. and while my self-harm is still an issue, it hasn't been for a couple months. its still on my mind, though. not always but a lot of the time.

i've been struggling pretty badly with feeling like i don't have a place in the world. worsened by the obvious, you know. i place a lot of my self and identity on the people around me---so who am i if not his boyfriend, if not kai's best friend? so much of my self-perception revolved around them.

there was a good month or two where i sort of just like... didn't want to exist, or accomplish anything. it's hard to describe but i felt like---why bother with transitioning? why bother with top surgery? HRT? legal documents? all that? if she's not here. i was her best friend, and she was always so proud and happy for me when i made progress---when i started growing a stache, she'd point it out everytime we video called and say "ooh, you look like a man, so handsome", or the more common, "you look like a fag". when my voice started dropping a bit, she noticed. it dropped even more this past month. i wish she could hear it.

this is certainly nsfw, but it makes sense in the context of our relationship (she was always very openly sexual around me, and vice versa. it was just part of our dynamic), but when we met up in july, i let her do... a lot of things lol. including suck on my nipple. which, yea, sounds weird, but it made sense for us. i told her now she had to live long enough to see me get top surgery, so she could test out if i still had enough feeling in my nipples. she said she would. so, for a while after she died, i felt like... i can't? or, why should i? if she won't be there, for me. if she won't be there to see my results.

it's really hard, thinking things like that. i'm struggling to not start crying right now. which is a miracle, honestly, i haven't been able to cry as much since i started T and yet because of her i've cried more in the past few months than i have in the year and a half since i started T.

i really miss her. i wish we could've done more, together. the week i spent with her felt like what i'd wanted my life with her to be for years. nearly a decade. you know, you grow up a mentally ill teen on the internet with all your most important friendships being these long distance people you've never met irl, and you talk and talk about what your life could be if you all lived nearby. and then for one week, that's what my life was. and i've never been happier in my life, genuinely. i wanted that to be my life, forever. it felt so comfortable and easy; i've notoriously had some bad anxiety issues about meeting up irl with people for the first time, i sort of shut down and go non-verbal, struggle to socialize or talk. but with her, kathy, and nate---i felt none of that. none of it. everything was so easy. i wasn't anxious or scared or anything.

i loved being with them. i loved doing mundane things like shopping at walmart and target with them while they pushed me around in the shopping cart. loved going to hot topic and picking out clothes with them. loved seeing the barbie movie in theaters opening week with them. going to a convention with them, something id' wanted for so long, because conventions are such a big part of my life and all i'd ever wanted was to share it with them. we cosplayed together. i put kai in my mikan cosplay, it fit her so well. when we went to the danganronpa meetup at otakon, she fit the part so easily even though she was kinda nervous. i still look at the pictures.

she really was a perfect mikan. nate was junko, you can see him on the right there, i was komaeda, and kathy was chiaki. it fit us all so well. i wish we could do it again.

it's been hard to wear my mikan cosplay again, after that. knowing she wore it.

i miss her a lot. but i'd be remiss to not mention that despite how awful this year was, i am hoping for a lot better in the upcoming one, and i'm going to make it so. and i know last time ifelt this way, a pandemic suddenly happened and things got worse, but i'm really gonna try, lol.

so what do i hope for, this year?

i'm going to see kathy & nate again, mark my words. i already have plans to see kathy in february and i'm going to enjoy myself the best of my ability, even if it'll be hard to be in her house again, considering the last time i was was when kai was there, too.

i want to get my passion for art back, and i think i'm already on my way to it. i want to get back into painting, both digitally and physically. and to draw with emotion rather than the intention to just make something pretty people will like.

back to the gym. rather stereotypical, but i gained a lot of weight after kai passed, and i want to get back in shape now.

drawing more things im passionate about rather than making myself stuck fixated on one interest.

top surgery. i wanna figure it out. even if i cant get it this year, i want to figure out what i need to do it.

a job hopefully. of some kind. just want to feel more stable money-wise if i can.

im just going to do things that ive wanted to do for a long time. im gonna stop putting it off. and just do it. because the time will pass anyways. so i want to do it now.

happy new year, everyone.

[oediex]

Every now and then I am reminded of the fact that a lot of things that I used to do, I just can't do anymore.

Like, I was watching Heartstopper yesterday and the characters go bowling for an episode and I realised, I can't really go bowling anymore. I mean I could, but it would cause me a lot of pain and it would probably not be very good for my back.

Sometimes I forget that other people don't have back pain every day. That they don't wake up some days, like I did today, with their back feeling vulnerable, like a twisted ankle that feels like you could twist it again at any moment. I'll see people make certain movements and remember, "Oh right. Without pain." I just forget, sometimes, that the normal experience is to not experience this pain. To have freedom of movement.

I reblogged a post the other day about how being disabled is a traumatic experience. And it really is. And I think that on top of that, there is also the traumatic experience of becoming disabled, which is a whole different beast entirely.

I think if someone, for example, becomes disabled from an accident, then people generally understand that experience might have been traumatic. The experience itself, of course, but also the becoming disabled. Going from being fully abled to being disabled. It's quite a change. (I imagine becoming more disabled than one was previously probably is as well.)

I didn't have an accident, of course. I just woke up one day with back pain and it never went away. It actually just got worse and worse, until I had surgery. And then after that I still had pain, but it wasn't as bad as before the surgery, but then it did, slowly, get worse and worse again.

I don't know when I first realised that I was disabled now. It was probably sometime after the surgery. I knew beforehand that it wouldn't resolve all my back pain. I had asked my neurosurgeon, very specifically, what I could expect from it, and she had informed me, very clearly, that the radiation to my leg, and the resulting loss of sensation and muscle weakness, would be resolved, but that the back pain likely wouldn't. And she was right. But it wasn't until a bit after the surgery, when I had recovered from it but there was still pain every day, that I realised my life would not be what it was before it all started.

Maybe the fact that it's getting worse again is the reason that I've been thinking a lot more about the trauma of it all. Slowly realising all the things I can't do anymore. Maybe finally slowly recovering from my latest serious depressive bout has given me the room to think on this. Maybe it was sitting in front of my neurosurgeon again, after two years, and the words just falling out of my mouth, like a waterfall, that was the last push to understand how traumatic this has really been.

Quite a few people over the last few years have praised me for how I've dealt with my back problems. I think they mostly refer to the nine months before the surgery, the surgery itself, and the recovery from said surgery. At the time, I wasn't in regular therapy, but I did have a few sessions right before and after the surgery, because I was quite worried about what it would do with my mental health. And the truth is that I dealt with it really well. People aren't wrong when they praise me on it.

But I think maybe I myself didn't anticipate what this would be doing with me longterm. That's understandable, of course. By the time of surgery, I'd had back pain for only nine months with the anticipation of a resolution. And after the surgery, my pain was reduced a lot compared to before it. And with it, what I was capable of doing was broadened again. But I couldn't, at that point, have imagined what over two years of back pain would do. And what it would do with me as it slowly got worse again. And what it really meant that this was forever.

My back pain came on very suddenly, but becoming disabled was a process. One I don't know the start of. And the trauma that comes with it, is something I think I haven't really dealt with yet.

This is my body now, and I am not okay.

[starlightmoon96]

Yandere Optimus /Yandere Megatron x OC character chapter 1

I don't use it anymore but I have a FanFiction account with stories still on it, one of my most views was a story called Forbidden sugar. I stopped writing it back in 2019, I still get alerts when people like or follow because of that series and I thought why not and post it on Tumblr

___

Chapter 1.

This story was inspired by mutable Yandere themed transformers stories, what I haven't seen yet in any yandere themed stories which caught my curiosity was a Sugar baby character. I know what a sugar baby is and Sabina isn't like normal ones that everything knows about. Sabina is a 23 year old art college student and works as a librarian, she's on scholarship and a very gifted artist. on the side does sugaring to make more and help pay bills a lot like Enjo kosai or compensated dating. All she does is go to dinner with them or either simple dates nothing sexual is involved, Sabina get a lot of luxurious gifts and money from all the men she dates. She's very popular that gets lots of requests, Sabina is beautiful which is why she gets so many requests. In fact one of her clients owns an art gallery and featured some of Sabina's works and sold her work for half a million and gives haft the money to Sabina for her art, sugaring is just a side job she loves art and reading books and making pastries for her friends and coworkers. Also Sabina is mention in the top women that are living dolls in America, and often is called a living doll with no surgeries needed. She doesn't wear any doll clothes nor doll makeup, all her looks are natural. Sabina has beautiful sapphire gem eyes that gets her a lot of compliments she also has very long brown hair that she loves, it was so long it goes past her hips and not to close to her knees normally keeps it in a brad. Since very long hair is popular and it suited her.

Just imagine any yandere male would knowing that there female senpai is a sugar baby

"About four weeks ago Sabina was on her way back to her apartment from work when she was abducted by an unknown perp. Shortly after she found herself in a holding cell by giant alien robots she had heard rumors about, she knew better not to pissed of any of them so she never spoke she didn't know why she was taken either. When she was about to give up praying for something to happen after being captive for three weeks her prayers were answered, Sabina heard a commotion. Voices of her captors shouting something in a different language she didn't understand and shooting. Then new faint but audible voices, she knew they didn't belong to her captors. With saving her voice not from speaking she yelled out for help and yelled it loud as she could with every last breath in her, not long after she yelled for help she head something's voice yelled out to her

"Where are you?"

"Over here!" Was what she yelled out to the voice, within minutes she hear banging from the cell door and the voice outside of it asked

"Are you in here?" With that Sabina answered with a smile on her face

"Yes."

"Brace yourself, I am going to shoot the lock." From all the yelling Sabina did she was tired and weak she couldn't help but fall on the ground just before the door was open it was hard for her too keep her eyes open, trying to keep her eyes open a light was shining behind him and in her state she really make what she was fully looking at. He walked up to her and got on one knee. Sabina looked into his eyes and made out the soft blue glowing eyes looking at her

"There is nothing to fear. You are safe now." Hearing that made her smile before passed out on the ground and saying two words to him

"Thank you."

"The next think Sabina knew she woke up she felt something in her arms and wanted to move but felt pain going through her body and decided against it. She also felt something thin in her nose and realized it helped her breath.

"Ah. You are awake? Quite early for your state you have been?" It was kind and warm female voice thanks to her blurry vision she couldn't see her face well enough to make out what she looked like just let and she asked her

"Where..Where am I?" Right after she answered that the nurse answered her question

"I'm nurse Loveless you are in a Hospital. They brought you here in a critical state but you are now stabilized." When the nurse looked at her she noticed her eyes that made her smiled

"Oh my such lovely eyes you have there like sapphires."

"They?" Was the one word she repeated to her and the nurse asked her while she was scribing something on a clipboard

"Can I get your name?"

"Sabina…Sabina Rose." Was what she said to the nurse and she said to her

"Sabina Rose? What a beautiful sounding name."

"Who brought me here? Do you know?" Hearing Sabina say that the nurse answered her

"Optimus Prime. Leader of the Autobots." Sabina didn't look surprised hearing that but she did repeat his name one before the nurse spoke to her

"You are not surprised or in shock. Why?"

"After two weeks of being captive by alien robots that should surprise me? And it's nice to know the name of the bot that saved me."

Before the nurse left she gave Sabina her bag that was reported to the police station in the lost and found luckily everything was still in there looking through her phone she saw several miss called form her now sugar daddy along with her friends and coworkers, she of course called them all explaining what happened and not telling them about the whole alien robots from outer space thing that had happened to her. She simple said she was abducted for two weeks and was just rescued, they of course wanted to see her about they couldn't. She did promise to call when she was cleared to leave, after some time nurse Loveless came back with a tray of food for Sabina for her lunch she didn't complain about she was hungry. After she left Sabina started eating what was on the try hospital food wasn't very good in any hospital, but not eating anything for a while made everything taste good. As soon as she was done she heard a few knocks came at her door that caught her attention while placing the try on the ground.

"Come in." Hearing the door open made her directly where the door was too, since she would now fully see. She say the bot the saved her she recognized his build.

"I remember you, you're the one that rescued me?" Was what she said to optimus she was a little confused seeing him around human size seeing in stepping in the room and closing the door.

"Although you were a lot…bigger and taller than what I remember? What do you go by?"

"Optimus. Optimus Prime. Leader of the Autobots. I am the one who saved you from the Decepticons." Was what he said to her and she said to him with a warm smile on her face and she extended her arm towards him

"It's nice to meet you Optimus I'm Sabina Rose." With that optimus carefully shook Sabina's hand and came closer to her and asked her

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine. Thank for asked." Sabina noticed that optimus was still holding her hand and she asked him

"Um Optimus can I have my hand back?" He let go of her and said to her

"My apologies Miss Rose." She smiled at him while she looked at him

"Please call me Sabina you don't haft to be formal with me."

The two had a long conversation with one another, Sabina told optimus that she was going to art collage and working part time as a librarian. Optimus told her about himself when he was still on cybertron when he was a data clerk, how he would read in his free time. Then Sabina mentioned she also loved reading in her free time, reading was one of her inspirations for her art when she can't get inspired by anything else. She even showed him her sketch book that was in her bag he was amazing how full of life each drawing was, each paged looked as if any of the drawing could come to life. The second Sabina was drawing on a blank page she didn't noticed just kept staring at her, his attention was to her sapphire eyes. He'd never seen a human with those type of eyes, he was captivated by those eyes like blue galaxies. Optimus realized that from the moment he met and saw Sabina he fell in love, he loved everything about her more when he opened that door. He loved her voice a voice so high and sweet and pure that echoes in his spark, he loved her small delicate hands watching those hand make beautiful works on art right in front of him and he loved the feel of them they where do delicate and the softest he's ever felt. Optimus loved her hair he loved long as soon as Sabina was done she smiled to him while she showed him her beautiful drawing of a blue bird, Optimus loved her smile it made him happy and his spark raise. He wanted to keep that smile for himself, Optimus wondered what would other humans think? What would his Autobots think of the two of them?

It took three days for Sabina to fully cover and was approved to leave the hospital, optimus offered her to drive her back to her apartment. He took his offer it was a four hour drive to get to the apartment complex Sabina lived it, it was a pretty safe and clean area it was a nice building it wasn't old and it looked recently build. Before optimus left and Sabina stepped on the sidewalk shutting the passenger door with her bag in her hand he asked her

"Sabina where are you attending your classes again?"

"I spoke with the dean yesterday with the doctor I can go back to my classes tomorrow and is allowing me to catch up what I missed. Why do you ask?" Was what Sabina said to him and he answered her

"I have some free time in my schedule tomorrow. If you like I could take you to your campus." With that Sabina smiled as she spoke

"Wow you would really do that, I'd love too." Before she continued she was interrupted by the sound of thunder that made her look up at the ow gray sky

"Looks like it's about to rain? I should get inside, my morning classes start at eight you might want to get here early?"

"The two of them said their goodbyes Sabina ran inside the building while optimus drove off, the first thing Sabina did when she got inside her apartment was taking a real shower. Before that she got a call from her current Sugar Daddy Richard that kept calling her making sure she was alright, Sabina told him that she just got back to her apartment. From the way he sounded over the phone he was very happy about it, after the call ended she took her shower that lasted for two hours. She had to really wash her hair since it hadn't been washed in weeks property, she missed the feel of her body wash the smelled of vanilla her favorite sent. After she shower Sabina wore her comfortable baggy clothes the second she put on her slippers there was a knock at the front door and a man's voice

"Flower delivery for Sabina Rose." I opened the front door seeing a delivery man holding four dozen beautiful red roses in his hands the delivery man handed her the flowers and she signed for them before he went off.

"Have a nice day ma'am."

"You too." Was what she said before going back into her apartment shutting the door while still looking at the flowers she noticed the card and it said.

"Look in the bouquet." She set the flowers down on my table looking threw it I pulled out a black necklace box that was hidden in the flowers. Sabina opened the lid and was very surprised at what was in it, inside the box as a note and a solitaire blue sapphire necklace pendant.

"Please take this necklace I saw this and it reminded me of your eyes, I'm happy to know that nothing terrible happened to you Sabina. Love Richard." Was what the letter said she took the necklace out of the box and held it in her hand.

"I've seen this necklace these cost thousands." When Sabina was about to put on the necklace her phone started ring, of course she picked it up

"Jasmine hey I was thinking of calling everyone?"

"You just got back?" Was what her friend said over the phone Sabina sat down on her love seat while she was talking

"Yeah I did, I'll be going to class tomorrow too."

"You didn't get injured did you? Can you still use your right hand?" Sabina barely chuckled hearing that ad she answered her

"No my artist hand is fine, although I won't be running for a while my ankle got hurt pretty bad. I'm not wearing a cast but I haft to wear a brace for the next two months." Right after she said that she heard her friend say in a worried tone

"But what about the BTS concert you said you would go to one with me, you bought all of us those VIP tickets."

"Can you just go without me, I'm not really into Korean." Saying that only made Jasmine yelled over the phone

"EVERYONE LOVES BTS! YOU ARE GOING AND YOU'RE GOING TO SEE WHY EVERYONE LOVES THOSE BOYS!" That got Sabina little worried as she was talking

"Alright, okay I'll go I'll go." She sighed as she was still talking

"Is there anything special I need for this concert? The second she heard that her friend answered her

"You got an amazon prime account right?"

"Yes." Was the one word she said and she still heard her talk

"Get a pen and paper your writing a list." Sabina repeated the last two words she said with a worried look on her face

"A list?"

Sabina woke up around six in the morning the next day, she went to bed early missing her bed and got a good ten hour sleep at that. She did her normal routine like any college student, brushing their teeth making breakfast and coffee and picking out what to wear. Being an art student she really couldn't wear skirts or long sleeves, so she picked out and wore dark blue jean short overalls that showed off her long smooth legs and a playing short sleeve gray shirt. Because of her ankle brace she couldn't wear sandals so she had to go with black converse, of course she redid her brad and wrapped it in a high bun. Before she left with her bag strapped around her shoulder Sabina put on her new sapphire necklace, she loved it and now it brought out her eyes. She walked down the stairs and when Sabina was at the ground floor she pushed open the glass door and looked at the parking lot and saw a red truck with blue flames, that made her smile she waved at Optimus and he honked back at her. Sabina ran to him and he opened his driver's door for her, she got in and closed the door and put her bag on passenger's seat.

"Thanks again for offering to take me to my university optimus." She said that while she buckled herself in Optimus started the engine and drove off. Sabina heard optimus's voice threw his radio.

"How far is your university?

"It's a fifteen minute drive, it takes me forty five to get there by foot." Was what she said to him before he was about to speak to her Sabina's phone started ringing and she answered it.

"Naerim hey had a feeling you would call? Yeah I'm heading to our university right now should be there in about maybe ten minutes traffic isn't bad." Sabina smiled as she was still talking

"Oh so Jasmine told everyone I'm going, and let me guess you're all staying at my place?" She didn't look so surprised and sighed before speaking

"I should have figured you all are dying to see my apartment. You think you and Yuko and help and show me where to buy snacks, I go to China town right? Yeah we can go after our classes are over I don't go to work till tomorrow I talked to my boss yesterday. K see yawl soon." With that Sabina ended the call and sighed then optimus asked her

"That call sounded intense?"

"Yeah kind of all my friends want me to go to this Korean concert called BTS, there supposed to be world famous with billions of fans. I'm not much into foreign music and rock concerts but they said I'll quickly change my mind hearing and seeing there concert." Was what she said to him, for the past five minutes optimus wanted to know about Sabina's friends she didn't mind telling him about them. As soon as optimus stopped near the collage Sabina exited and walked to the collage like the other students, which greeted her. Even all of her friends where there greeting and hugging her one at a time, also a lot of guys where giving her welcome back gifts like either flowers boxes of chocolate. Optimus witnessed it as he was driving off, he had no idea I was so well know and had many admirers. He didn't like it not one bit, luck for him was that Sabina didn't realize was that she dropped her apartment key on the passenger seat where she sat. That gave him a good opportunity and excuse to go in her apartment while she's attending her classes Optimus wanted to know more about her, everything about Sabina. He knew they would be cameras in the apartment building so he could just walk up to the door, once he got to the building he activated his holoform. A tall very attractive man that looked a lot like him if he where human, his holoform wore a red jack with blue flames and white shirt under it with blue jeans with black belt and black boots. Before exiting the grabbed the key off the set, it didn't take him a while to find Sabina's apartment door the room number was on the key. When he open Sabina's door and went inside he was surprised there was very expensive furniture and the inside was much bigger than he thought, it looked like it held four rooms and a massive living room and kitchen.

"Sabina can afford living here?" Optimus said that brushing his hand on the love seat, his eyes were drawn to the large bouquet of red rose on the table in front of the love seat that made him to start to grab the leather. He quickly released his grip making sure that there wasn't any tires in it, the first room he went into was the art studio. It made him very happy seeing her paintings looking at different types of landscapes from different parts around the world of mountains and lush rich marshes, some of animals and flowers. His most favorite was the largest canvas in the center of it all, Sabina draw a self-portrait of herself in almost all gray colors. The only thing was wasn't gray where her sapphire eyes and the sapphire gem floating in the center of her hands like magic, seeing that it wasn't completely done yet on the right lower corner. Optimus gently stroked the painting with his fingers stopping at the paintings lips.

[windwardstar]

[Image description: two photos showing my chest which has the double incisions and grafts from top surgery, and slightly newer scars from a revision The first photo is straight on, the other at an angle. End description]

My chest is finally flat! And healed enough to show off!

I didn't post a lot about getting top surgery last summer and that was because from the first few days it was very clear to me that I had been left with a lot of excess skin and tissue, that my surgeon hadn't made my chest flat. It caused a bunch of dysphoria and I had to consciously force myself to disengage from ruminating over how my chest still wasn't right. And then spent the past year dissociating from my chest to the same or greater degree than I had pre surgery. I also didn't want the mental health struggles I went through because of it or any photos to be used against others to convince them not to even have top surgery because look this person had surgery and it came out bad and didn't solve any of the problems and only made things worse.

But at the start of the month I was able to get my revision where the excess tissue and skin was removed. And it is something I love and no longer have to avoid thinking about, looking at, or touching.

So this post is for that. A (delayed) celebration of finally getting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Because the first time I had to deal with a lot of post-op depression, and this time I've not had any. (The only downside is that now I get distracted by how flat my chest is and doing happy dances and the have to rush to finish getting dressed so I'm not late to work)

And also to say, I was fortunate in knowing myself well enough to know that the problem wasn't that I regretted getting the surgery or that my failure to feel the joy wasn't because I made the wrong choice, but because i was still left with something that caused me dysphoria in the same way it had prior and that a revision to make my chest properly flat would fix it. I also got told by people that my chest looked fine that I didnt need to get a second surgery, but now post-revision everyone can see the difference and agrees it looks better. Don't let other people make you doubt yourself when it comes to pursuing revisions or top surgery in the first place.

[still-a-morosexual-help]

@🌹anon asked about my ocs sometime back and as I was answering it rn I accidentally deleted the entire thing😭😭😭😭😭

I'm gonna try and write whatever I remember again✌️:

Yes I did it again (shut up);

I'm such a fucking idiot, I found the "deleted ask" hidden deep in my drafts - apparently it went there when I lost my internet connection but instead of getting saved at the top of my drafts it got saved on the day anon first sent me the ask so somewhere in the middle between other drafts??? Anyway:

!!!You asked for it!!

They were all created for some game or another (characters I'll be able to toss away once I'm done playing the games) But I ended up falling in love with all of them🤡

I can't draw people for shit & I don't wanna describe appearances so I'm gonna use picrews (with links added for anyone who wants to use 'em too)

Starting from first created to last & answering it like I'm making them character profiles for a dating sim (but leaving out the three from Choices 'cause I don't know if they can be considered proper ocs rather than just characters the game handed us? Also leaving out the others from fictif because they're not as well developed)

1. "Lex" Alexandra Lane

(Lex after Lex Luthor and Lane after Lois Lane because I think I'm funny)

[1] , [2]

Origin: Love Island the Game S2

25 at beginning now 26 years (Birthday: November 16th)

5'5"

She/Her

Bisexual

Professional Cellist

English/British because the game didn't give me a choice

Married at 26 (because the game gives you no option), will definitely have a couple kids at some point

No gross out factor - probably ate bugs as a kid. Probably will still eat a bug off the ground if dared to. Biggest point of pride is that she can do a backflip in heels. Loves fashion/beautiful clothes that are usually stupidly expensive. Biting her lip and making bedroom eyes at every single person but really just wants to fall in love and settle down. Hates confrontation/any sort of fight but also really wants to know everything about everyone's business. Good at being the mediator. Always the big spoon. Actually pretty buff - can absolutely bench you.

2. Eliza Ramskin

(Eliza after the official name of the porcelain apple doll sitting in a box on my cupboard but then I decided I didn't want it to stand for Elizabeth so now it stands for "A Lizard" after the rubber gecko pasted on my bedroom wall. Ramskin: a bad pun because of the game)

[1] , [2] (yes the little frog is supposed to be me)

Origin: Obey Me!

23 at beginning now 26 years (Birthday: April 21st)

5'10"

They/Them

Queer

Wildlife Photographer

Has chronic pain

Has a scar over one eyebrow - will smugly tell you a cool story for it. In reality dropped a jar of peanut butter on their face. + top surgery scars

-> Essentially just om! gen MC with a background and name. Have you read my post about gen MC's canon facts? Have you read any of my gen MC theory posts, where I take individual canon facts & connect them to see what happens? Have you read any of my obey me! fics? Can you remember what general MC was like in them? Then you know exactly what Eliza is like. But still, here are some of my favourite parts:

Ambiguously human. Would fight God at 2am in a Denny's parking lot and WIN. They're very lowkey an asshole but underneath that they're kinda nice but underneath that they're a bigger asshole but underneath that they're even nicer and so on and so forth. Surprisingly down for murder. 0 self preservation + 0 shame + 0 fear + max drive & determination + max stubborness + max can do attitude + unconsciously charming + actually pretty strong + danger kink + horny = the world's greatest monster fucker.

3. Len

(Len's short for Lenora which she no longer goes by but irl named after my Lenova laptop, No surname.)

[1] , [2]

Origin: The Arcana

31 years (Birthday: June 7th)

5'11"

She/They

Bisexual

Same occupation as the game's MC

The only one who has a defined body shape in my mind and that body shape is plank of wood

Pitch black eyes that reflects no light. Vague cryptid energy. Stoic, cold yet thin polite smile that seems very surface level. Posture's so good just looking at her makes your back hurt. Warms up once you get to know her; is caring and gentle and understanding and soothing but also stuborn and tough/harsh/strict. Responsible but also has no problem breaking the law if needed. Dreams of travelling the world. Gives off black cat energy but is a dog person. Sadistic in both the sexy and unsexy way. Bad puns. So much untapped potential to be a super villain. I think I accidentally just created a female version of om!'s Lucifer...

4. Vale Knight

(Vale after welcome to night vale which I hadn't watched at the time, Knight from the same place but it's also a pun because of what happens to them in the game)

[1] , [2]

Origin: Last Legacy

28 years (July 10th)

6'0"

They/Them

Queer Polyamorous

Same occupation as the game's MC

Not only are they a weeb they're an ASSHOLE. The kind of person to get stabbed because their first instinct was to mock the mugger. Decided to dye their hair for cosplay once and then went "wait a minute -" A shameless flirt until someone flirts back and then they're a flustered annoyed mess. Had a lot of jobs over the years, currently a barista - doesn't want to be a barista forever but doesn't know what they want to do (other than gaming, watching movies/shows/anime, reading books/comics/manga) until they accidentally discover a passion for medicine and go to nursing school

5. River Bouwmeester

(River after Lake from Infinity Train which I've never watched, Bouwmeester because it's a Dutch surname meaning "master builder" because they work as a home renovater)

[1]

Origin: Monster Manor

27 years

5'1"

He/They

Queer

Same occupation as the game's MC

American (because the game gave me no choice) with probably Dutch origins from their father's side

Couple of big scars here and there

BIG "I can fix him energy". Moves around a lot = not much possibility for a long term stable relationship = oblivious and shy when it comes to romantic attraction. Strong, patient, practical. Very little can rattle them. Came from a long family line of home renovaters/builders (of the magic, strange & weird) but no close living family. Unironically loves bob the builder. Trying very hard to forget about the fact that they're extremely lonely by keeping up a very positive optimistic attitude. Their truck is their pride & joy. Absolutely loves their job even though it's what causes them to move about so much and so makes it hard to form close connections. Very friendly from the first moment but isn't tolerant of anyone's bullshit.

6. Roo Kidd

(Roo after the baby kangaroo from Winnie the Pooh, Kidd because the baby kangaroo was a kid. Surprisingly the actual meanings behind both names fit with their character/circumstances)

[1] , [2]

Origin: Twisted Wonderland

16 years (Birthday January 10th)

5'7"

He/They

Gay Demiromantic Asexual

Wears reading glasses

Lots of small scars from scrapes and scratches all along body

Always cold + loves cute clothes = wearing summer dresses and instantly regretting it. Head in the clouds 7 outta 10 times. Has never felt romantic attraction before - believed they never would and was 100% okay with that - so the one time they did start feeling it went "wow I'm really into this friendship" and stayed oblivious for an annoyingly long time. Also similarly oblivious to romantic attraction directed at them. Kinda klutzy. Big wet eyes. Big bright smile. A ball of sunshine but also really snarky. "This might as well happen" energy. Fast with quick reflexes and a sharp eye for detail. A cunning edge that comes out only during emergencies. Strength of a wet noodle though. Gets a shitty impromptu/accidental haircut that leads to him buzzing it all off and having to grow it back.

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #63: 7 years on T & hysto retrospective

Hi everyone!! The title says it all. I wanted to include all of my phallo consults in this as well, but a few items are last-minute up in the air, so I'll write a separate post for the phallo consults omnibus.

As always, please don't reblog or screenshot and repost. Links are fine. Writing transition updates over the years has been really good for me and I always hope someone finds them helpful. But at the same time, the larger public is awful about bottom surgeries and I'd rather not subject myself to that ire.

This post has a general content warning for discussions of sex, genitals, body image and body/gender dysphoria.

7 years on T

I stopped doing annual T updates a while ago, because after the first 2-3 years most of the bodily changes are basically the same bodily changes cis men go through as they age. This year I made a point to celebrate 7 years, because that's an absolutely wild number, and I think it's important to acknowledge my T anniversary when it comes around. Testosterone has fundamentally changed my life. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here without it. I'm so grateful to be in a place mentally, physically, financially, and temporally that I can continue to access it.

I started taking Finasteride this year bc my hairline is getting a little thin. This is, again, more a factor of being in my later 20s than anything else. I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did. It was one of the first times I experienced and male body image issue that had nothing to do with being trans. Normally, I'm so grateful to live as a man that most male body image issues don't affect me. I don't care that I'm short or a little round or I have wider hips. I'm so grateful to pass and live full-time as a man that it doesn't register. This one was different, and I'm not quite sure why, but I'm going to try and not obsess over it.

Off and on the last four years, but seriously the last two years, I started working out and lifting. At first, I mostly ran, especially during the height of the lockdown when it was the only safe way to work out. I love running but I always wanted to be strong and see what my body could do. The past two years I've been working with an online trainer and my strength has really improved!! I'm hitting personal bests in the gym and it's stopped feeling like a tedious chore. I'm actually excited to go now. That's an amazing feeling and I'm always really happy when my friends or family call me strong.

Hysto retrospective

It's been 7 months since my hysto back in January. The recovery for that was longer and more difficult than I expected. Being cooped up in the house and feeling really weak and gross, on top of the bottom dysphoria I kept experiencing having to constantly discuss lots of parts I hate having, was really hard on me. I feel like, over the last two months, I've shaken off a lot of the lingering depression from that. All that being said, I've healed very well, and I'm so happy I got my hysto.

One of the worst, dysphoria-inducing nightmares for me was getting pregnant. It was so bad, it prevented me from seriously dating cis men for years. T is not birth control, and even with protection and respectful partners, the fear and anxiety were just too much for me to handle. I knew that once I got my hysto, I'd probably feel more confident dating men, but I didn't realize the extent to which that would be true.

I've felt way more confident to date around and hook up since I got my hysto. I've gone on more dates with cis gay men than I ever have before, and even though they ultimately fizzled out, I have never had that level of dating confidence in my life. It's so, so gender affirming when cis gay men are attracted to me. I always felt like I lost something, being a bisexual man who was too anxious about being trans to participate in any kind of gay male culture in NYC. This is by far the biggest gift my hysto gave me and I'm so happy for it.

[cantbelieveyouregone]

Level 65 - 5 Years, 5 Months On Testosterone

Well, it's been a hell of a long time since I last did this. Almost like a pandemic happened and made me forget because there were slightly more pressing matters at hand. But it's just past trans day of visibility, so figured I should provide some sort of update here.

First big change since you last saw me do this is that I got top surgery. I'm now about two and a bit years past when it happened, and it wasn't completely smooth sailing. Surgery itself went fine, but I ended up having some of my stitching come out during recovery. That's, like, a whole other story, though. It could take up several paragraphs here. I got the periareolar one done, with my chest being just on the borderline of being too big for it, but I begged them to let me have that one, as it'd always been my preferred one if possible.

I'm still trying to get on the waiting list for bottom surgery, but even trying to get through to the GIC to make progress is a nightmare right now. I don't help my case by being someone who absolutely despises making phone calls, so I only try getting in touch by email. I've asked to be put on the list, twice, but I have not received any confirmation if it's happened. Really wish that I wasn't dependent on this whole GIC system, but here we are.

Besides that, in terms of testosterone changes, things have been pretty stable for a while now. My voice hasn't gotten much deeper for like a good couple years. I am a hairy boy - saw it coming, thanks to having beheld my dad swimming, and seeing that we were three for three in having facial hair among my grandfathers and dad as well.

I am still a very physically weak man. Exercise took a backseat for a lot of the lockdown period of the pandemic, as well as me doing very little exercise post-surgery on surgeon's orders. I've really only started picking it up again relatively recently, after moving out of the house I always take these selfies in (my old room - now my dad's work from home office - still has a mirror in it). I can do only about 15 push-ups before I have to stop for a breather, as my endurance has remained atrocious. I managed to do ten bicep curls in a row per arm with dumbbells weighing 8.5kg each, but I truly just reached that point. I can do like 100 sit ups on a workout bench or 50 on the floor in mostly one go, though. And I can do a plank for like two and a half minutes on a good day. So, y'know, I'm not in terrible shape, but I could be better. I want to do bouldering more regularly, but that requires breaking my existing routine to do so, so I find it hard to go very often. At least me and my flatmate walk in to work some days.

I have gained a noticeable amount of weight, compared to my last update, but that's honestly more to do with the fact that I moved out and got a job. My flatmate works at the same place I do, so we go to work at the same time. So I actually eat breakfast every day because they'd quickly notice if I didn't. Lunch is covered by our work, but it's Deliveroo from select places, so it's not the healthiest stuff we have as options. And dinner, again, flatmate and I get back at the same time and make dinner together most nights. Might not seem like a big deal, but before I had a job and moved out, I regularly slept in and didn't have a proper meal until dinner time. So funnily enough, I'm not surprised jumping from one meal a day to three has caused weight gain.

My mental health is an open question as always. I've described myself as "one thing going wrong away from a mental breakdown", and I still think that's accurate. I'm still on meds for anxiety and depression, and I still feel noticeable effects when I forget to take them. I don't think they're going away any time soon. Top surgery has helped with some of the mental health stuff, since it's one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis, but... y'know, bottom dysphoria still exists, and it's bad. I did make some friends during university which helped to make things tolerable when I definitely otherwise would've been alone, since I pushed a lot of my high school friends away after I dropped out. I'm not in a relationship, and not only do I have limited desire to be until I learn how to take care of myself better, but I still have no idea what anyone would see in me.

I never know how to end these things. I don't know when I'll next remember to actually do one of these, because it's been a long-ass time since I did it before. Maybe I'll do a more detailed update about my top surgery experience. Maybe the folks that follow me ain't here for this, but if my post makes it across the dashboard or in the search of another person going through it, maybe it'll be helpful.

It's kind of why I started doing this in the first place.