#and i fuck it up every time. but i tell myself as soon as i leave the building Go Right Not Left Go Right

[fanfictiongirlie]

Marvel: Unplanned Chapter Five

Parings: Bucky Barnes x Reader (First person written though)

Description:

"It says...it says it's positive doll" His voice matching mine in a quiet shaky whisper.

"Fuck... I'm pregnant?"

"Yeah doll, you're pregnant"

"Fuck" I whisper.

Rating: Explicit

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, smut

Chapter Words: 2,809

(I have the urge for every Marvel fanfic I write to have a seperate timeline where nothing bad happens, and everyone is happy)

When the little notification on my phone told me I was 14 weeks pregnant, I smiled softly to myself, I walked to the kitchen to make myself lunch, my hand gently resting on my tiny bump, it was barely there, but I could tell it was an actual bump, even if the others couldn't. 

Once in the kitchen I started making myself lunch, dancing to the music in my head as I cooked. Until I felt a nudge in my stomach, I stopped cooking my spoon dropping onto the kitchen counter. 

"Bucky!" I yelled, knowing his super soldier hearing would hear me, soon he was rushing into the room, his book in hand. 

"Doll, what's wrong?" He asks, his voice laced with worry. 

"Come feel!" I say, giggling as I reached for his hand. I took his hand in mine and placed it against my stomach. 

"Just wait" I say excitedly. We waited for a few moments until the little nudge happened again.

"Is...is that...did the baby just kick?" He asks, his eyes wide, he looked at me with a mix of surprise and awe. 

"You felt it?" I asked.  Bucky nods, a smile slowly spreading across his face. He looks from my stomach to my face. 

"Yeah doll! I felt it...It's really real now, isn't it? We're having a baby..." He says quietly. "Yeah it's real" I whisper, my hand stroking my lower stomach, just below where Bucky's hand was. He looks at me, his perfect blue eyes filled with a mixture of emotions, there's excitement, wonder but also a hint of nervousness. 

"It's growing in there, doll. Our baby" He whispers. 

"Yeah it is" I say, moving my hand up to rest on his as he still held my stomach. Bucky looks down to my little bump again, his fingers slowly tracing over me. 

"Still can't believe this is happening, we're gonna be parents doll" 

"Don't say that, it send fear through me" I chuckle lightly. Anxiety prickling up within me, the baby nudged again in my stomach, making my chest flutter. Bucky chuckles, his hand moving so he can pull me into a hug, he kissed the side of my head as he held me tight. 

"Yeah, I get it..It's a big responsibility, but we'll figure it out, together" He whispers in my ear. I take in a deep breath, a conversation we needed to have rested heavily on me, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. 

"Bucks, we need to talk" I mumble into his shoulder, he steps back and raises an eyebrow at me, a look of concern washing over his face.

"What's on your mind?" 

"We...haven't spoken about our relationship" I say, my voice shaking a little. His expression grows more serious, he takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. 

"Right...our relationship...It's complicated, isn't doll?" He asks, a nervous chuckle leaving his lips. 

"I know before the pregnancy, we said we'd keep it casual...but, like is that something you still want?" I ask quietly. I watch as he looks at me, I wished I could read his mind. 

"Honestly doll" He starts, his hand running through his hair and down the back of his neck "I'm not sure, at first I didn't want anything serious, it was easier that way...But the more time we spend together..." He stops, his words trailing. 

"Yeah...same here. Maybe we shouldn't worry about you?" We've got enough to worry about" I say nervously. Bucky says nothing for a moment and watches me, his eyes softening. He nods slightly. 

"Yeah doll, you're right..Let's take things one step at a time" He says hesitantly "We've got the pregnancy to focus on, we don't need another complication to the mix"

"Yeah, exactly" I say unsure. 

"Promise me one thing doll?"

"What's that?"

"Promise me, we'll be honest with each other?" He asks, I smile softly. 

"Of course, Bucky...Can I ask you something?" I ask, he nods, looking at me with a mixture of curiosity and concern. 

"Can we still sleep together? Or will that complicate things more?" I ask, my eyes trailing down his muscles. His eyebrows raise slightly. 

"I..." He pauses "I don't think it would complicate things, it we're honest with one another about what is means" 

I smirk and lift my hand to hold his jaw, I stepped closer, pressing my body against his. I giggle softly as his breath hitches slightly, his eyes flicker from mine to my body, a mix of surprise and desire in his gaze. 

"Doll..." He murmurs, his voice low and a little hoarse. 

"Mmm yes Bucky?" I ask seductively as I run my nail across his jaw and down his neck, leaving a faint red line. He swallows hard as I trace down his neck, he shivers and let's out the smallest moan. His eyes darken with want. 

"Doll, you know what you're doing to me, don't you?" He asks quietly. I nodded eagerly smirking. Bucky's previous restraint snaps and with a swift, fluid motion, he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling my tighter against him, his lips capture mine in a hungry, intense kiss. I smiled against his lips, wrapping my arms around his neck. 

Bucky deepens the kiss, his tongue exploring my mouth as he presses his body against mine. His hands roam over my body, rubbing over my curves and softness, holding me firmly against him. 

"Mhmmm Bucky" I moan against his lips. I felt his lips turn up into a grin, his voice sending shivers down my body, He breaks the kiss, his lips moving down to my neck, kissing and biting the sensitive skin, his hands holding my hips. 

"You drive me crazy doll" He mutters between kisses, his voice low and rough with desire. 

"Let's go to my room" I smirk. Bucky nods, his eyes full of desire as he takes my hand in his, he starts pulling me towards my room. When we reached my doorway, he gently pushed me against the door, pinning my body, his eyes burning with want as he looks down at me. 

"You're mine" He whispers, his hands roaming over my body, pulling me closer. 

"I am?" I smirk, trying not to let it go to my heart. I watch as he grins, his cheeks flushing a light red as he lowered his face to the curve of my neck, where he nips and kisses along my skin. His hands move down my sides and then back up again, his touch rough and possessive. 

"Yes doll" He murmurs against my skin, his voice low and ragged "You're mine"

I giggle softly and open the door to my bedroom, I take his hand and pulled him into my room. 

"Thought we were keeping it casual?" I ask, a playful smirk on my lips. 

"Plans change, you're too damn irresistible" He murmurs, stepping close to me, his body pressing against mine, he reaches up putting both of his hands on my hips. 

"Aw, you're cute" I smirk, pulling him with me as I walked backwards to my bed "We'll talk about that later"

"I'm not the cute one, doll" He whispers, I move to lie on the bed and he crawls on top of me, his eyes looking over my body, appreciating every inch of me. I press my lips to his as I start lifting his shirt, feeling his body as I move my hands. I hear his breath hitch, his hips moved down to grind against me. 

Once his shirt was off, I moved forward to kiss his neck, my tongue licked at his skin as my hands rubbed over his shoulders. 

"Doll" He whispers, his voice a little gruff "Keep doing that, and I won't be able to hold back for much longer" 

"Please don't hold back"

I watch as he grins at my words, his eyes dark with desire. He captures my lips in a passionate kiss, his tongue exploring my mouth as he presses his body impossibly closer to mine. His hands roamed over my body, mapping every curve and contour of my body as he lets out a low growl against my lips. 

"You're impossible to resist doll" He murmurs between kisses "And right now, I don't want to resist you."

"Hmm good" I say, licking his lips. His eyes don't break away from mine as his metal fingers move to my shirt, undoing the buttons one by one, his fingers nimble and impatient. His lips move down to my neck, leaving a trail of kisses and little bites as he finally gets my shirt off. My arms fly down to my stomach, covering my small bump feeling a little insecure. He stops kissing my neck and looks down to my stomach. 

I watch as he frowns and moves his flesh hand to my stomach moving my arms, his fingers trailed lightly over my bump, he looks at me, his expression serious and sincere. 

"Don't do that doll" He says softly "You're beautiful...And this..." He says, his hand gently stroking my bump "Is our baby, it's not something to hide"

"I'm sorry, I'm still getting use to it" I say quietly. He smiles at me, his eyes locking onto mine. 

"You don't need to apologise doll, it must be a lot to adjust to, but please don't feel like you have to hide it from me, I think you're beautiful" He whispers, he then leans down, moving his body to brush his lips against my stomach in a tender kiss. I smile fondly at him, feeling my heart beat faster than it had been. 

Bucky kisses a trail along my stomach, up my chest, he unclasps my bra and throws it across the room, his tongue darts out to play with my nipple. 

"I want...I want you so bad, doll" He whispers against my skin. 

"I want you, take me please?" I beg, my voice sounding pathetic. 

"Do you know have any idea how hot it is, when you beg like that?" He purrs, his eyes darkened with desire, his voice low and gravely. As he spoke he moved his body up, his lips leveled with mine now. 

"You like that baby? You like hearing how bad I want you? I need you Bucky, please?" I beg, looking up at him through my eyelashes. He lets out a low growl, I could tell he was starting to loose control, his eyes burned with a fierce, primal need as he looked at me. 

"You drive me crazy doll, begging me like that" 

I moved forward kissing him again, he kissed me back with a ferocious intensity, his tongue delving into my mouth, tasting me as I tasted him. His hands moved down the sides of my body, caressing me, I ran my nails gently over his back, hoping to leave marks in his perfect skin. I moved my lips from his, kissing along his stubbly jaw and down his neck, I sucked marks into his sink, each time he moaned I thrusted my hips up into his. 

We both take a second to wiggle out of our trousers and underwear, finally naked, I kiss his shoulder as his fingers move to touch my wet pussy, his metal fingers slide down my folds spreading me, as I moaned filthily, gently biting into the skin of his shoulder. 

"Fuck" I whisper as he pushes two metal fingers into me. He had been reluctant to touch my pussy with his metal fingers when we first started sleeping together, but when he realised I got wetter at the use of his metal appendages, he used them more and more. I moaned loudly and spread my legs further, his fingers moving inside of me faster, the stretch hurt a little, but I liked that. 

"God, you're so beautiful" He whispers. 

"Fuck..Thank you" 

"You don't need to thank you doll" He mutters, his fingers moving faster "It's just the truth...You're perfect, beautiful..... and mine" 

"Yes! Fuck, I'm yours" I squeal as I come around his fingers, my tight hole tightening around his fingers. 

"That's right doll, you're all mine" He growls, his fingers fucking me through my orgasm "All mine" 

"Fuck, Bucky..Take me, I need you" I begged, my legs shaking slightly. I hear him let out a low, guttural moan as I beg, his body tenses. He moves his metal hand to grip his cock, his fingers not even meeting around it, he moved slightly, the head of his cock rubbing up and down my pussy, covering himself in my wetness before he plunges forward pushing his huge cock inside of me slowly, so slowly that I felt the veins of his cock against the walls of my pussy. 

Once he was fully inside of me, he rested his forehead against mine, both of us breathing heavily, we hadn't slept together since before we found out about the pregnancy, and in this moment, I could feel how badly he needed this, he needed it as much as I did. He moved his metal hand to hold onto my hip as he slowly started to fuck me. His flesh hand came to hold my jaw, his thumb moving against my cheek, our eyes met, not moving away. Our bodies moved perfectly together, the act felt too intimate this time, but neither of us stopped as he moved with one another. 

His hips moved faster, and his metal hand moved down, two of his fingers snaking down to circle my clit. I moaned loudly, and wrapped my legs around his waist, his cock moved deeper within me as he moved his hips away and slammed back into me, I squealed loudly in his ear as I felt my body shake against his, I came hard, my legs tightening around his hips as the feeling washed over my body. 

"That's my girl" He groaned, his hips fucking harder into me, his groans became louder and his hips faster as he came hard inside of me, spilling into me. 

"Fuck" I mumbled as his hips stopped, his cock was still inside of me, softening slightly. 

"Damn doll" He groaned slowly taking his cock out of me "You drive me crazy...That was amazing"

"It really was" I whisper as I watch him collapse beside me, his breathing ragged and labored. He drapes an arm over me, pulling me against his, his face nuzzling into my neck. 

"Bucky..."I say very unsure about what I was about to say, I didn't look at him, only looking up at the ceiling. "Maybe, we could try... you know... being together?"

Bucky sits up, his eyes widening as he looks at me. "You mean...being together, as in a couple?"

"Yeah?" I say, unsure. I felt my heart thudding against my chest, scared as he stares at me for a moment not saying anything. And then a slow, genuine smile spreads across his face. 

"Doll...really?" He asks, his eyes wide and hopeful "You want to be...an official couple? With me?"

"Well I mean, we're already having a baby together, why not?" I say, smiling. I watch as he reaches his flesh hand out to cup my cheek, his eyes sincere and serious. 

"Doll, you have no idea how happy you've just made me"

"No, tell me?"

"I didn't realise before, or maybe I did, but being with you, starting a family with you, it just feels right, I know we didn't plan it, but doll, you make me so happy"

My eyes soften at his words, I felt my cheeks flush and my heart swell. 

"Oh wow Bucky, funny how we hated each other a few months ago" I say chuckling. Bucky copies my chuckle, his eyes sparkling with amusement. 

"Yeah, who would of know?"

"Yeah...I'm glad we slept together that first time" 

"Me too doll, me too"

"We're gonna be a family Buck" I say quietly, moving my hand to rest over my little bump. "So tell me, do you want a boy or a girl?" 

I watch as Bucky ponders the question, his hand moving up to gently stroke my hair, a small smile crept onto his lips. 

"Honestly doll, I don't care, as long as it's healthy, and happy, that's all that matters" He explains. 

"Yeah definitely" I agree "But I think I want a girl"

Bucky grins, his eyes lighting up at your words. 

"A girl huh? I bet she'll be just as beautiful as you"

"Oh please, I'm not that beautiful" I say rolling my eyes. I watch as his eyebrows furrow at my words, his expression serious as he looks at me. 

"Doll, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen"

"Shut up" I laugh. 

"No you" He grins, before moving over to press his lips to mine. He pulls me closer, and holds me as we lay there together. 

(I do not consent my works to be posted anywhere else, by anyone other than myself)

Taglist:

@quinquinquincy @jaybbygrl @wintrsoldrluvr @sebastians-love @learisa @hi172826 @ravennablue @purplecolordeer @a-small-blue-nebula @buckitostan

[bueckerrss]

notions - azzi fudd

summary𞠬: your relationship with azzi has been amazing. but is it too good to be true?

warnings: arguments, angst, heartbreak, mentions of y/n, toxic! azzi. many time skips, kinda rushed. bad writing (?)

pairing: x reader

tags: @patscorner @pbueckerslover @h34rtsformilli @cosmopretty @st4rrzynight @xxloveralways14 @authentic-girl03 @paigebuxkets @alaninavae @sophswbb

masterlist | taglist

𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻𖢻

LOOKING AT HER i knew i had lost the battle. she left without looking back, i looked up as i tried to swallow my tears. she walked away, like she didn’t just break my heart.

that was it… all along it was just a game for her. i played the fool, letting my guard down too soon.

-

“i was wondering if you would like to go out with me?” she smiled softly a little pink tint on her cheeks as she looked around.

i stood there shocked before i nodded my head yes, i hugged her with a smile on my face, “here these are for you” she said handling me a small buque of flowers but not any flowers, my favorite flowers.

“thank you!” i said taking it my smile getting bigger as i took it, “you really didn’t have too!” i said “no, i wanted to” she said “come in!” i said opening my door more for her to walk in. as she walked in she sat down on the couch frantically typing on her phone before i spoke “would you like any water or anything?”

“a water would be fine” she replied not looking up from her phone, i came back with a cup of water “here you go” i said smiling “thanks” she said taking the cup but not looking up.

-

“are you seriously accusing me of cheating?! why would you think that? shes just a friend y/n!” a drunk azzi argued “the way she was looking at you did not seem like it!” i argued back trying to hold back tears, not of sadness but of anger. “great now you’re crying! jesus fuck y/n!” she said pinching her nose bridge. “you know what call me when you’re sober.” i said walking away from her.

as i walked down the streets the cold november breeze made my face flush more red than i already was, i took deep breaths trying to calm myself down, she’ll come looking for me i know she will…

five seconds turned into five minutes and five minutes turned into five hours… i did other things to try and keep myself from calling her.

i shut my phone off slamming it down on the nightstand trying to get some sleep. the bedroom door slowly opened as azzi stumbled over to the bed and leaning over to plant a kiss on my cheek “i’m sorry baby” she whispered into my shoulder and lazily planted a kiss on it before going to sleep.

a feeling in my stomach was telling me she was not apologizing about the situation..

-

“flowers for the most beautiful woman ever” said azzi as she walked in to the living room “what, why did you get me flowers?” i said putting down my laptop and grabbing them, “just because flowers?” she smiled softly i opened my mouth to say something before her phone went off “who is it?” i asked trying to see the contact name before she pulled it away “oh it’s paige, i’ll be back” she said walking away.

after a few minutes she comes back, “sorry beautiful but i have to go they scheduled a last minute practice, i’ll text you when i can” she quickly said before grabbing her keys and jetting out the door. ‘follow her’ something in me said i held back but before i knew it i was in my car following her to someone’s house.

i've never been here, i don’t recognize it.

i was outside waiting for forty minutes before azzi came out looking happier than when she walked in, hair slightly messy a shorter girl following behind her before they kissed goodbye, i quickly snapped a few pictures before i drove off. ‘just a friend my ass!’ i thought as i drove back home.

argument after argument came out of the situation.

i knew that these destructive tendencies were not going to go away, it was like a war every day a never ending cycle. something i couldn’t brush off, something telling me to fight for this relationship.

slowly, i realized my mistake, she was just playing me. toying with my emotions, making me play a fool just to feel her love.

i should’ve known but i was ignorant thinking everything would change for the better, soon disappointment washed away my thoughts of a better relationship.

she played games all the time, and i always fell into her trap.

[needy-princass]

‎‧₊˚✧survival - first round ✧˚₊‧ sometimes when i'm edging myself, this is what i imagine

your head was dizzy and your ears were ringing a bit when you started to gain your senses again. your memories were blurry, the last thing coming to your mind was arriving home after a long day of university, then nothing.

you felt cold, your whole body was shivering so you tried to move your hands, reaching for the blanket but you couldn't. as you became more conscious, you realized that both of your hands were restrained above your head. panic flooded you and you opened your eyes. your legs were forced apart and tied to the end of the table on which you were laying. you were completely naked and vulnerable.

"now that our last contestant is awake too, let's start the show." you heard the voice of a man from behind you, he was using a microphone. but wait, what? contestant? panic rushed through you as you tried to look around and you were able to see some tables next to you with naked women on them, just as you were. as you lifted your head and looked ahead of you, in the not so far distance you noticed a whole audience. a whole fucking audience with screens in front of them. you didn't have time to panic, the announcer continued. "welcome to our annual whore competition. the rules are similar as usual. we will announce a category, you place your bets on whichever whore you think will go on the longest without an orgasm and then my colleagues will start to work on the sluts, and you enjoy the show."

what? no, no, no, no, no. this can't be happening right now.

"the first category, just for some warm up, is stimulating the clit, and only the clit until an orgasm is reached. please start placing your bets while my colleagues step next to their assigned whores."

a man, at least 20 years older than you, calmly walked next to you and smiled smugly. he was taking in your whole body with his eyes, looking hungry as hell. you were afraid. very afraid. you tried to struggle your way out of your bondage but it was firm as fuck, there was no use.

"please, please, please let me go. please i promise i won't tell anyone, just don't do this to me." you whispered with teary eyes but the man's smile just grew wider.

then, the sound of a bell, and the bets were placed. "wonderful. the gentlemen who will work on the whores will do everything exactly the same. same pace, same motions. i will tell them when to speed up or slow down. you may start the first round. use only one finger at a slow speed."

the man next to you licked his lips, then the inevitable happened. he touched your shaved, bare pussy. he pushed his middle finger to your clit and started to move it in slower, circular movements, just like when someone starts to masturbate.

you closed your teary eyes and bit your lips. you decided the best tactic would be what you do at the gynecologist. just dissociate, think about something else and it'll be over. but this was a very hard task in this situation. you felt the man's stare on your face while he was rubbing your sensitive clit.

"contestant 3 is starting to get wet." you heard a voice of a man from a distance.

"everyone may speed up your pace, you can use two fingers." said the announcer and every man did so. you felt some kind of warm feeling at your lower stomach when more of his skin was rubbing yours as a quicker pace. no, no, no.

"contestant 7 is also becoming wet." the man announced next to you how shameful you were. getting wet in this fucked up and twisted situation? really???

you bit your lips and tried to ignore everything but soon his fingers were moving a bit more smoothly as your clit, which was dry up until now, became slippery and wet.

"ah~aah~" you heard someone as she tried to quiet her moans and the man who was working on her announced that she, contestant 6, had an orgasm, finishing last place on this round. he was ordered to stop touching her completely and the girl got 2 points.

"everyone else quicken your pace, you can use 3 fingers but only work on the clit. any kind of motion is allowed."

the man working on you stopped the circling and started to move three of his fingers quickly from left to right on your already sensitive bead, which made you moan in surprise. you quickly bit your lips and tried to think about anything else. you couldn't allow yourself to cum in front of so many people.

moaning and the sound of heavier breathing started to fill the area, this third quickening of pace broke everyone who was silent until now and two girls even had an orgasm, so the got 3 points, and only three remaining contestants remained, including you.

you felt your juices reach your thighs and your asshole, which was all the more embarrassing. the hot sensation in your lower stomach was growing dangerously.

after the two girls came, the order of full speed and four fingers were given out and the man working on you started to abuse your little clit in an impossible speed.

"aahhhh" you accidently let out a moan and started to pant as you were fighting a dangerously close orgasm, while one of the girls came, so it was only you and another woman. your hole clenched around the air, you felt hot in your whole body and the sound of your wet pussy being abused was all too much, but you tried to hold on. you can't lose. you can't lose your dignity in front of these people. no. you have to hold out.

the only other girl whose pussy was being played with came with a loud moan, meaning that you were the winner, who was able to hold out for the longest time without an orgasm.

you thought the torture would stop. that the random man, whose hand was soaked in your pussy juices would leave your sensitive clit alone, but the next order to him was to make you have an orgasm, whatever it takes, but only by playing with my clit.

so, he grinned, removed his hand from my pussy and put on a black glove with bumpy tips. he circled with it around my pussy to make it wet and slippery, making me tremble because of the new sensation, then started to abuse my little clit again, with an insane speed. i cried out, arching my back, clenching both of my holes. i've never felt anything like this before.

it didn't take long for my already sensitive clit. i had a loud, messy orgasm, my hole was pulsating, i was able to hear it, it was so juicy. this is so shameful.

i will continue with the second round soon, i hope you enjoyed it.~~

[donnerpartyofone]

I should really be ashamed to complain about this but since there's nothing left of this world anyway (TL;DR everything is so remarkably shitty now down to the smallest little annoying details, exponentially shittier than it was five and then ten years ago, and it's fucking crazy-making):

For work, I need to watch a movie that I know is on Prime. I go into Prime and look up the one-word title. It gives me a short list of "top results", not including my movie. Under "top results" is a slew of other lists of movies, broken down by varying made-up subgenres; at a glance, none of the titles even contain the word I searched for, and none of them have anything to do with what I specifically want. I close the Prime app and open Plex, whose search function immediately tells me that the exact the movie is in Prime, and links me to it. By clicking the link in Plex, I am able to watch the movie on Prime.

I don't know what Prime is thinking. There seems to be an assumption that when I look for one exact thing that I know I want, that that's not really what I'm doing -- I'm actually secretly saying "Uh, I dunno, just like, pitch me something, find something to sell me on, I don't really care." How the fuck is that better business? Because Prime refused to serve me something that I explicitly asked for, in favor of pushing a whole bunch of shit I don't want but that it assumes is more popular with other people, I almost didn't use their service at all. There was no world in which I was going to give up on my actual requirement and just allow myself to be forced into some other unrelated, unwanted waste of time. And this is not because I'm such a frugal and conscientious consumer, I'm not really that smart even, but I wanted A SPECIFIC THING and if I didn't get it, then that would be the end. Why is there no way for me to get the FULL MATCHING RESULTS, why is there only "top results" and then a bunch of shit I didn't ask for? When did the search function just become like a random, vaguely-related recommendations engine? How is this supposed to help Prime get my business? I mean really, I didn't enjoy this experience, but how does this strategy even serve their own corporate greed?

YouTube does a similar thing to me where it will notify me about a new video from one of my subscriptions, and if I click on that, the app opens with the video playing in a little tiny reduced window shoved to the side of all these browsing options. Like as soon as I say "yes, I want X," YouTube instantly doesn't care; it only wants me to keep shopping around for other stuff that I have not said "yes" to already. It's like a bad boyfriend who isn't interested in what you actually consent to, he's only interested in what he can bully you into, that you would have otherwise avoided.

(I guess the physical-world equivalent would be the type of consumer who is in a permanent, almost subconscious retail therapy spiral, where they do way more browsing and buying than they do using and enjoying. The person's home is full of unopened packages and they probably wind up re-buying a lot of stuff because they don't even know what they own. This is probably every company's ideal customer now, and maybe this is why if I order an item from an online store, that store will email me every single day to try to make me buy the same exact item again, as if the thing I want is only the pleasure of buying, rather than owning and using the item.)

It drives me crazy when I see these arguments online about how you're a stupid idiot if you think that the internet is shittier and more intensively commercialized than it used to be. I think it's often that the cohort of people who are really techy and net-savvy overlap with people who are a little conservative in that way where they are instantly enraged if they hear some soft-hearted rube complaining about the dominant system. If this type of person sees a post by some glum little liberal about how the internet used to be more fun and easier to use, they will immediately shit right on top of that guy's head just to be spiteful, often using a small armory of data to gaslight the plaintiff into thinking that their problems are imaginary. It's the same as that thing that happened recently where a bunch of mean-spirited libertarian-flavored blogs started making all these posts explaining that the American economy is doing awesome and anyone who thinks that inflation is happening is a stupid piece of shit. Which was like, OK fine, all those graphs and numbers you got from right-wing think tanks look great; I take it back, there's no inflation or whatever, but now you have to give me a different word to use to describe why I can't afford anything anymore and everyone I know is in a constant, desperate search for a place to live where they won't starve.

[angelmush]

the other day i walked around the golden lake w my love and the sun was setting hot and orange and we watched a brown duck preening through the weeds, ducking her head under the dark water. the cool lake swallowed up my tired feet to the ankles and we counted the dog walkers with their curly panting doodles and their handsome german shepherds and their whip smart little terriers and we admired the careful construction of a sand castle whose moat held determinedly against the lapping of the waves. we could feel in our chests the persistent thunderous thumping of celebratory music at the finish line of the lakeside 5k, welcoming each gasping runner across its bounds. and i felt like crying. i felt like curling into myself and crying. we walked through the swamp of the bird sanctuary afterwards and listened to the woods sing and croak and groan and then we went and got ube and yuzu gelato and devoured it suntired and sweating on the couch in our living room. and i was so overcome w a deep and true unshakeable happiness and a sort of confused grief that i wanted to sob and sob and sob.

[cashmere-caveman]

hello everyone :) inspired by this post by @burrowingregg, please enjoy my thoughts on "what if crozier fucking dies and little becomes captain"

if he dies before sir john

one of two outcomes. sir john either doubles down ("we have to find the nwp for francis!"/"well now that the haters are gone its time to have Real Men Solve This Like Champs") or he goes hm. maybe this is a sign and actually this is a dire situation. perhaps we should pack it in men

i dont rlly have any thoughts on this except i am rlly curious what this would do to fitzy. does he ramp up the charming pretender routine now that he's the uncontested no1 son and crozier cleary didnt know what he was talking about or would this be an early wakeup call and jumpstart the fury beach convo w blanky?

if he dies pre ep4 (tuunbaq)

the lashing would not turn out this way bc little wouldnt have hickey punished as a boy -> less men would berth on erebus

mutiny later maybe? definitely different

(is this a good moment to squeeze in some solittle bc they have to cooperate to keep all the men in check.)

definitely better communication within terror command bc the lieutenants will know little is going to hear them out i think and since little sucks at asserting authority hed have to rely on them more than crozier did

weird tension between jopson and little i think. is it sexual. is it antagonistic. actually maybe i could see jopson joining a mutiny in a crozier dead scenario hmmm…. heres how hickeyjopson can still win !!1!!!!!

if he doesnt survive the withdrawal

jopson.exe stopped working

maybe i could see jopson joining a mutiny in a crozier dead scenario hmmm…. heres how hickeyjopson can still win !!1!!!!! (1).docx

joplittle coworkers to enemies speedrun. i think jopson would grieve so fucking much but then go Ah! We compartmentalise this emotion! Nothing easier than that :) and then hed be so fucking passive agressive as the new captains steward without even realising bc WHY does little walk around alive and hale when little was the one who got crozier the alcohol that killed him how is that fair (jopson is Not at a point where he is willing to confront the fact that he himself was just as much an enabler as little, if not more so)

also sidenote but he wouldnt shave little since that actually never was in a stewards job description in the first place lol no homoerotic blade to throat interaction for you, sir!!

i do think little and fitzjames would work well together! they did a good job on coordinating the carnivale and fitzjames is not someone who lashes out a lot, which is good bc little does not deal well w getting screamed at

i think blanky would become elemental. w crozier dead and (assuming carnivale still happens) mcdonald gone hes the last brit who speaks inuktitut fluent enough to communicate w silna Plus hes one of the v few remaining high ranking arctic veterans

(what would change in a scenario like this if my good friend and upcoming romance novel love interest graham gore - who was an arctic veteran and even competent and charismatic - was still around? food for thought)

what would hickey do? the object of his obsession is out of the picture so he cant get revenge for getting whipped, he still wants to go to his tropical vacation and i think w crozier dead he would switch to survival mode 3000 (he is always already in survival mode to begin with, but i mean the point at which he switches from playing defense to offense) sooner. if the captains dead theyre fucked for real whats holding him back? hickey voice in fact what is holding anyone back? men, we need to confront the situation!

i really think this might be where thomas "shouldve been a news reporter" jopson would shine. that nosy bitch knows about Everything going on, and in a situation like this where every information must be handled in a v tactical way so as to Manage The Situation i think there would be a great deal of avenues of action open to someone in a position like his. especially, i think, bc to me a great deal, if not to say the entirety of jopsons optimism and endurance and focus is simply build on this vast foundation of trust he has in crozier and w crozier gone, what happens to all of that? there are a few ways this could play out imo

a) he instead reorients himself toward the next Authority Figure, which in this case would probably be Fitzjames. I do think it is unlikely, simply bc due to crozier dying during withdrawal the fences would not yet have mended entirely and jopson Will Hold A Grudge. it wont be little, for previously mentioned reasons, even though i dont think jopson would be able to realise that himself. he does not have a lot of interactions w the other lieutenants up until then (not counting serving dinner etc) and since iirc they had not been called into the Sobriety Meeting i dont quite know about how much he would trust them. so unless sth drastically changes during the walkout the options would be fitzjames or little and i personally vote no on both

b) he would retreat into himself and simply Wait. wait for what? u ask. well :) he would wait. and then, maybe one day he might even React. but for now, he would Wait, and Pay Attention

c) i realize this is quite a shrewder reading of jopson than what dave k has said of how he sees him but as i said earlier to me a lot of jopsons "goodness" hinges on crozier providing him w the trust he needs to unfold these qualities. and w that gone, i think that leaves him as someone v smart, in a position where he has access to a lot of information, and also in a state of absolutely crushed hopes and reopened trauma. and that certainly does put you in a state of mind doesnt it?? atp his trust in the remaining leadership might be v fragile and he would certainly wonder how any of this would go on. so hed either implode and fucking idk. wither. (which, for the record, i think he would Not do) Or! he would decide that alright. no one left to handle this but himself so time to take matters into his own hands! youve shot smaller hawks than this tommy its time to get out of here! which, again, is where i think a possible hickey alliance, maybe via billy, might take place. if jopson and hickey would team up for a mutiny they would definitely constantly be daydreaming of killing each other <3 not to be me but i would read the fuck out of a hickeyjopson mutiny vs a solittefitz alliance. give me intrigue! give me bastardry! give me some fucking losers dishing it out in the canadian arctic over the worlds worst buffet options!

this is not necessarily a full point on its own but more of an addendum: i genuinely think jopson has it in him to pull a dundy. aka i think he v much does strike me as someone who would stage a quiet not so much mutiny but a quiet usurpation of power through simple calculated ruthlessness. which! speaking of usurpation!

option d) jopson decides that hes the only competent bitch left and the only way to ensure everyones survival is to go full grima wormtongue and become the puppet master advisor to littles captain. little would actually let this happen and might even welcome it. we know this guy is genetically engineered to follow orders. dont say i never did anything for joplittle enjoyers!!!

crozier dies during the walkout at any point:

i dont really have anything big for this. it would be bad but depending on what has happened at that point (how scurvy ridden is fitzjames? is jopson a lieutenant yet? has hickey killed irving already?) it might not change too much tbh

if he gets shot during morfins suicide it would be disastrous i think but it might actually make the men come closer together again maybe? if little becomes captain then and there maybe the mutiny might get prevented or at least postponed bc little would let the marines get their armed patrol and thus they might not be as resentful/mistrusting toward command. ofc little As A Captain trusting tozer and getting fucking bamboozled by him if the mutiny still happened would be an even worse look lmfao. that is if morfin shot him. if it was however a Marine who shot crozier…… well. i think thered be an execution first thing at daybreak! and any and all weapons would be under lock and key w extra attention to the point that i think not even armitage would hand them out. plus lbr it wouldve been tozer in this scenario w the killing shot so! armitage without tozer…. does that poor lad even know how to exist when he is not in sols orbit. how would hickey exploit this….. (also extremely evil version is jopson shooting crozier which is so evil that we do not consider it. goodbye)

if crozier dies pre tuunbaq attack id be curious if the (attempted) hanging would still happen. i personally think it would, simply bc hickey would definitely try to start some shit and fitzjames would be wary enough to order a post mortem on irving plus jopson would definitely catch that rat. maybe he would actually hang, even, but that depends on whether little as his captain or fitzjames as the overall expedition commander would give the little speech beforehand. if it's fitzy, either him or hickey in his response would run out of time before the tuunbaq shows up and hickey would escape, but if it's little theres a real chance he would shortly state some dry facts let hickey speak for two sentences of last words maximum and then get it over with. and now That would be a fascinating scenario to explore. crozier gone, hickey gone, camp in ruins, dozens of men dead, fitzscurvy left in charge. would there be a second mutiny? des voeux, perhaps? or billy himself (he was also an architect of this!!! he went to burn the fucking maps!!! billy was not regular rat who marrydivorcemarried the evil rat he was evil rat no2!!! simply a less flashy (fleshy….. hah) flavour!!!) just quietly absconding w a bunch of men into the fog? what would tozer do, if he had survived and hickey hadn't?

last minute death scenarios

anything w crozier dead before hickey could capture him would not change much i think. maybe hickey would deflate some upon the news but hed still capture goodsir and still die as a wannabe new god. i think the real tragedy would be if little was left as the only captain after fitzjames' death. that man was Not made to carry such a burden and dundy would smell the blood in the water and ursurp him early i think, which ironically might lead to a scenario where there could be a sliver of hope for survival for the healthier parts of the crew

if crozier died during the capture bc hartnell didnt take the bullet hickey would fucking kill whoever fired that shot (i do not remember who it was. golding? was it golding? i fucking hate that guy i can easily belive it was golding) and i think hartnell and little and whoever else was there would either escalate the situation into a shootout to avoid the mutineers taking croziers body for food (lbr hickey would love to eat that old man) and die right then right there or maybe get themselves captured bc everything is just pointless now (unlikely outcome imo the tension would be too high) OR theyd somehow get the fuck out of there, organize a party of men to take the mutineers and have a final showdown (unless dundy intervened and ursurped ofc) which means: tuunbaq survives!!! yay :D good ending for silna :) she has not lost the tuunbaq so maybe even no exile <33

if crozier just died during the final tuunbaq fight: no changes at all

which concludes my thoughts! this turned out way longer than i expected and honestly did not focus on little v much but it was super interesting to consider all these scenarios so thank u burrowingregg for giving me the idea to begin with :) i would also be super curious to hear everyone elses thoughts on this so please do chime in!!

[kn11ves]

my comic is live right now!

kyle and rex is an absurdist drama set in a stagnant afterlife where everyone lies, cheats, manipulates, and hurts each other in order to gain political power and admiration from the public.

with characters constantly haunted by ghosts of the past, trying to stay on top of the food chain despite constant betrayals and having their secrets held up above their heads, comes back kyle, from his long stay back as a guiding spirit on earth, to take back reigns of the throne in the inbetween. though much like everyone else, hes got a long list of dirty laundry that many are aching to reveal. there are no real friends here.

⸻

updates every 2 weeks, at 6:30 pm central US time! (SP & ENG)

WEBTOON: english link + spanish link

TAPAS: english link + spanish link

FANEO: spanish link

[immortalsins]

going boxing for the first time in months (at a new place, with my brother) and i wish i was normal i wish i could chill and enjoy my day without getting stressed over absolutely nothing

[phagodyke]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[stellacadente]

i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get

[homogranates]

i'm so serious when i say that school makes me wanna rip my flesh off

[rubiesintherough]

.

[fionnaskyborn]

there's something to be said about the very specific feeling of frailty you feel when you come face to face with just how little you've experienced. twenty-odd years on planet earth and you haven't really watched all that many movies. an unlived life facing an uncertain future. i do not know where to point the finger of blame because i live untethered from my past, floating in the present with no clear point of reference no clear definition of who i am or what happened to me and how i turned out the way i am (fucking. can you guess why five is my favorite game. insert that one lyric from that one modest mouse song.) but you're still here, and you can still learn, and you can catch up, but it still feels like you're a pitiful little nobody looking for excuses trying to explain why you're still new to the whole being alive thing. i've got a good head on my shoulders, though, for all that's worth, so i think i might be fine.

in other news, i watched scarface tonight. it was certainly a movie. don't really understand how the movie made it big, but it did have some damn good music. i mean, i don't know. i'm still learning about the world i live in. maybe it really is as much of a masterpiece as people make it out to be and i'm too dumb to see the reason why it's considered a classic. maybe i'm right. i can't tell at the moment. it's kind of a beggars can't be choosers situation - if you ain't watched that many movies, then you can't really be a good judge of quality. but, oh, well. it's one more movie watched. it's a win because i watched a movie. and i'll watch more movies.

[momochiiee-reblogs]

Being screamed at for things that aren't my fault seems to be a norm in this house

There's cookware scattered an dirty? Guess who gets blamed for it? The exact one that almost never has spoons for cooking in the first place

I live cleaning the trail after me so they won't have any reason to scream at me, but my brother leaves absolute messes behind him and the screams are for me

Fuck off

[angelnumber27]

I want to murder the love I feel for the man that cheated on me twice and beat the fuck out of me every day while claiming he loved me more than anything

[aeide-thea]

amazing how over and over and over again you can realize you're framing a situation in terms of 'i think they might be displeased with me :( what can i do to fix myself it :(' instead of 'actually this interaction is making me feel bad and i should probably just step away from it' and yet. you know you'll do it again! because the childhood conditioning lingers!