#and i forgot to change the results from a week to a day....but the single blog!! is in the works

[ofgentleresolve]

me when i see my mutuals in my notifications/dash:

[justwinginglife]

Sorry for the many asks I just worked up the confidence for these stories so what if y/n and soshiro hoshina are dating she also in the defense Force but never got hurt so one day she does and plot twist she and gen narumi are half siblings

@darktntmoon I'm going out of order with your requests, sorry! Gonna start with this one first.

Thicker Than Blood

It was difficult living up to a prodigy.

Tracing their footsteps, chasing their shadow, reaching for them, grasping for them, but never quite able to touch them, and always only ever seeing their back as they faded further and further from view.

This was what it was like to be related to Gen Narumi. And you were constantly reminded every single day that you only shared half his blood, half his greatness, half his talent. Even despite you having a better upbringing than he did (honestly, you didn't even know he existed for half your life), having money, having support, having training, you still fell short of his genius. And it killed you.

When you first found out that you had an older brother, you were ecstatic. You thought he'd be your biggest supporter but he was only ever your biggest critic. By the time you'd met him, he'd gotten it into his head that results were the only thing that mattered. Blood didn't matter, money didn't matter, only results. Only hard-earned results. And you worked hard but it never earned the results that he expected from you, never earned his praise or respect. For all he knew, you might not have even been related to him after all, with the progress you were making. So he waved you off, treated you the way he did anyone else. You weren't worth his energy. You couldn't even make it into his division, you were that much of a disappointment. In fact, no one in the entire Defense Force knew you were even related to Narumi because he was that disappointed.

But then you met someone wonderful. Someone who saw you, who saw all your potential. All that training that you had thought amounted to nothing in Narumi's eyes- it meant something to Hoshina. And for that, he meant everything to you.

Narumi always had his back facing you, only turning with the slightest amount of interest if you did anything impressive. But Hoshina- Hoshina's eyes never strayed from you, he stayed with you every step of the way, helped you up if you stumbled, and praised you when you flourished. You never even got hurt in a single battle the entire time you’d been in the Defense Force because he was always by your side. You'd spent all this time walking behind Narumi, and now you were walking beside Hoshina. It was the nicest change in scenery.

You gave him your strength, gave him your weakness, and he took it all and loved you anyway. You felt like you were enough for the first time in your life. You felt needed, you felt wanted, you felt like you finally belonged somewhere, with someone.

Hoshina filled your days so sweetly and so completely that you even almost forgot that you were related to Narumi at all; that is, until he showed up to a Defense Force meeting, sulking, nursing a black eye with an ice pack. You had a sneaking suspicion that Hoshina had something to do with it, but he wouldn't tell you a thing about it, he just shrugged and simply said, "Gee, I wonder how that could've happened. Must be some slippery floors in the First Division." But later that day, your suspicions had been confirmed when another officer told you that Hoshina had caught Narumi commenting on how someone like you shouldn’t even be in the Defense Force and Hoshina had decked him in the face for it.

He was always protecting you and you just hoped you could be strong enough to protect him when you needed to.

But that chance came sooner than you would've thought.

Only a couple weeks later, the base was under attack. Captain Ashiro was off base and Hoshina- as the highest ranking officer- had the responsibility of taking down the strongest of the Kaiju that were attacking. Of course, like the considerate bastard that he was, he drew the Honju somewhere far away, somewhere he could fight them without fear of anyone else getting hurt.

You had known exactly what he was going to do, and you started to go with him, but he begged you to watch over the base. Begged you to help the other officers. You didn't feel very honorable when the first thought that came to your mind was that you didn't give a shit about anyone else but Hoshina. That thought almost made you want to turn in your Defense Force badge; you weren't noble and selfless like all the other officers, you'd only joined in the first place to make Narumi recognize you. And then you'd stayed because of Hoshina. You'd do anything for Hoshina.

Which is why, when he held you close, kissed your forehead, and pleaded with you, told you that you were stronger than any of the other officers here and they needed you to stay with them, and he needed you to stay with them, you stayed. Against your better judgement, against your own will, against the pounding in your heart, against the trembling in your lungs, you stayed for him. You protected the people he loved.

But you loved him too, immensely, and when you heard Okonogi's voice crying out on the comms for Hoshina, pleading for him to be okay, you couldn't keep your promise to him anymore. You couldn't stay put and just wait for him to die. He could be mad at you later as long as he was alive.

You decided if you were about to incur the wrath of the Vice Captain later, you may as well throw the Captain into the mix too. You stole her weapon from its case, she was off base, she wouldn't be needing this, but you did need it. Your pathetic little guns wouldn't be enough help to Hoshina even with your combat power as high as it was. You needed something that packed a higher punch.

As you raced towards the training grounds, lugging the heavy ass weapon beside you, you cursed your feet for not moving fast enough and you cursed Hoshina for taking himself as far away from you as he could possibly go without taking the fight into civilian territory. The idiot was too selfless for his own good. You'd have to scold him for that later. And then you'd give him a big kiss afterwards- you never could stay mad at him for long.

When you finally arrived, you didn't even have time to be worried about how banged up your boyfriend looked, you just needed to get into position and get the job done. You could panic about his injuries afterwards. You ran up the stairs of a nearby building and lined up your -the Captain's- gun. Your lungs were aching, chest heaving, as you struggled to catch your breath (how the fuck did the Captain run with this thing?) but you knew you didn't have time for pain. He was in pain. You'd never forgive yourself if you couldn't save him, if you couldn't do this one thing for him after everything he’d done for you.

It was almost like he knew you were there because he had the Honju lined up in the perfect position for you to fire. So you did. Again and again, until you felt like the stress of firing was burning you from the inside out. The pain consumed you and you collapsed on the ground, leaning on the gun for support. Did you kill it? Did you do it? You didn't have time for pain, you needed to get up. Needed to make sure the job was done. Did you kill it? Did you do it? Was he okay? You didn't have time for pain. You didn't.... have time....

The next thing you knew, you were waking up in the hospital with Hoshina at your bedside.

"Did I.... do it? Are you... alive?"

He chucked, squeezing your hand tightly. "Yeah, baby. I'm alive. You did it. You were a lil flashy, but you did it. Dumbass. I love you."

"I don't appreciate you stealing my weapon, but I do appreciate you saving the base." Captain Ashiro stepped out from behind Hoshina.

"Oh yeah, there's some people here to see you, by the way." Hoshina moved aside to let her approach you.

You immediately moved to get up and salute her, but she waved you off.

"At ease soldier. You're allowed rest for now. You will have one hell of a punishment later, though." You winced. "Yes, ma'am. Sorry ma'am."

"And there's one more person to see you." Then she stepped aside to reveal your brother leaning against the door frame.

"Well? Aren't you going to come in? Big brooother." Hoshina teased.

Narumi glared at Hoshina. "I still haven't forgotten what you did to my eye, jackass."

Hoshina smirked. "Well if I'd have known you were going to be my brother-in-law, I would've punched you a little softer. Just a little."

Your eyes widened as you took in the exchange. How was Narumi here? Why was he here? And how did everyone suddenly know he was your brother? You were sure Narumi had kept it tightly under wraps and you hadn't wanted to go around telling everyone that you were his failure of a sister either. But here he was. And you didn't know how to react. Did you salute him? Did you still pretend you didn't know him? Did you... cry to him like a little sister? Absolutely not. He was probably only here because you’d finally managed a semi impressive feat. That had to be it. Using someone else’s gun no less- you wondered if he even fully counted this as your win.

Hoshina turned to you, interrupting your thoughts as he wiggled his eyebrows at you playfully. "Can you believe this guy? He barges in demanding to see his sister and the Captain and I are all like what sister, you have the wrong room. And then he goes BRIGHT RED when he has to tell us that you're related to him and he wants to check in on you."

Right on cue, Narumi's face began to flush.

Hoshina pointed at him. "See! Just like that! Ha!"

Narumi grit his teeth. "Shut the fuck up, Hoshina. Can you just.... can you just give me a minute with her?"

"Sure, big brother, stage is all yours." Hoshina laughed.

Narumi glared at him again. "I meant alone."

"Alright, alright, let's leave them be." Captain Ashiro dragged your very pouty boyfriend out of the room with her. The last thing you heard before she shut the door was "But I wanna see how he apologizes. Does he grovel? Do you think he grovels, I think he's a groveler."

You bit your lip to keep from smiling. Hoshina would turn this serious moment into a joke. You hadn't even spoken to your brother in awhile, but you were sure he wasn't a groveler.

He cleared his throat again and you snapped to attention, all thoughts of Hoshina fading. "So you... you uh, look pretty banged up."

You snorted and when he glared at you, you coughed and looked away. "Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of what happens when us lowly officers go into a fight- we get hurt afterwards. Something you wouldn't know anything about, I know."

He sighed and sank into the chair beside your bed. He wrinkled his nose and you could tell he was probably grimacing at how warm Hoshina had made the seat. He didn't want anything to do with Hoshina, let alone sit in the chair he had been sitting in, beside the sister he didn't accept.

"Alright, cut to the chase, why are you here Narumi?"

He bit his lip. "It's... it's Gen, actually."

You raised an eyebrow at him. "Who's this Gen guy? I thought only people he respected and cared about could call him Gen."

He coughed. "I do... I do care about you. You're my little sister, of course I care about you."

You blinked. Then you blinked a couple more times. "I'm sorry, since when are we related?" That came out more bitter than you expected but it was still honest.

He winced. "Yeah, okay, I deserved that. You're just the only family that I've got... especially now that... now that Director Shinomiya is... well anyway. I never wanted you joining the Defense Force. I never wanted you following me here. I had nothing else but this. You had a whole life and you threw it away for me. To chase after me. I just thought I could keep you safe if you didn't get involved with me. First Division gets all the gruesome missions, I thought I could just deny your application and that would be it. Didn't think you'd run off to the Third with that piece of shit." He jerked his thumb towards the door, where Hoshina was peeking in through the little window.

You couldn't help but giggle at Hoshina's face smushed up against the glass as he tried to listen through the door. When Captain Ashiro yanked him away, you laughed again.

Narumi cracked a smile at your laugh. "You seem okay. I think you'll be okay. I'm glad you're... you're okay."

You turned to face him again. "Well I'm... I'm glad you came to see me. And... thanks, for telling me all that stuff. You didn't have to and you still did, I know it was hard. I appreciate it."

He looked down and fidgeted with his zipper. "So do you think... I could maybe... be your brother again?"

It was your turn to smile. "Only if you're okay with Soshiro being your brother in law."

He rolled his eyes. "I finally get to have a little sister and of course I have to share her with some shithead. Fine. I'll do whatever you want. But if he decks me in the eye again, I swear..."

"Make her sad again and I'll do it again in a heartbeat." Hoshina appeared behind him. It appeared he had successfully escaped the Captain's grasp and was now eager to join in on the conversation.

You beamed as he rejoined your side, holding your hand tight in his and leaning down to kiss the top of your head.

"You two really love each other, huh?" Narumi grumbled, crossing his arms like some grumpy child.

You gazed into Hoshina's eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, we really do."

"Fine, fine. But if you make her sad Hoshina, I'll deck you instead."

Hoshina nodded firmly and held his other hand out to Narumi so they could shake on it. "If I ever make her sad, I'll deck myself."

And that was that- your whole family, your whole world, was right there in one room. At last.

[womenloverlmao]

Forgot Something?

(Yes, someone else has probably written this but I decided to write one of my own :)

TW: normal criminal minds shit.

Summary: Reader is set on the fact that Spencer forgot something when he got called into a case late but he cant figure out what that could be.

Imagine season 4 Spence? Possibly? I don't even know man. 

You and Spencer had gotten used to not always being together. You and agent… or, rather, Dr. Spencer Reid, resident genius and pretty boy of the BAU had been together for around a year and a half. It was a lot, but you grew used to it. 

After coming to terms with the fact that you wouldn’t always have your boyfriend around, you learned to value the time you spent with him. Moments like this; you were curled up together, the result of coaxing your germaphobe out of his comfort zone (and into another). Lying on your sides, his head against your chest with your leg over his waist. You would have fallen asleep there if it weren’t for that sound. 

Oh, that God-forsaken sound. 

The sound of Spencer’s phone going off. Sure, you were used to him going away for cases, but that sound honestly caused a trauma response. You removed your leg from him as he went to get his phone from the bedside table. He picked up, and said some stereotypical responses… well, the stereotype when you went to work on profiling rapists, bombers, murderers… you get the gist. 

He got up and changed, before grabbing his bag that he always had ready. You quickly followed behind him. Sure, you were only in a ragged t-shirt and panties, but you weren’t the one leaving. It was around ten at night. You wouldn’t have realized that he had muted himself if you didn’t see him unmuting. “Yes, I’ll be there in fifteen,” he said. “Okay, thank you. Got it.” 

You grabbed your arm as whoever it was on the other end hung up. “I’m sorry…” he tried to start. 

“No, don’t apologize, Spence. It’s your job. I’m not upset, I promise,” you cut him off. 

“I still feel awful.” 

“Don’t. You’re gonna go save some people, or whatever it is that you do,” you smile. 

“Well, technically-” 

“Spence, I’m gonna repeat the ‘don’t’. Go do your job, okay, baby?” 

He sighed. “Okay…” He walked to the door, almost opening it before you stop him. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” You asked. 

“I thought- I thought you just told me to do my job?” He responded. 

“I did, but not when you forgot something.” 

You could see the gears in his brain turning as he tried to remember what it was that he could have forgotten. There was nothing, he had every single thing in his bag. He could so clearly picture everything he had put in there. “Forgot something? No, I have an-” 

“Eidetic memory, I know.”

“I didn’t forget anything?” 

“Yes, you did,” you stayed on your point. 

“What did I forget?” He was genuinely confused. 

You rolled your eyes. “Where’s my kiss, Spencer?” 

He had an ‘oh shit’ moment in his head. “That’s… what I forgot?” 

You nodded. He couldn’t help but laugh a little, you had him fully convinced he forgot something for a minute. He walks over again and presses a gentle kiss to your lips. “Better?” he asks.

“Yep.” You smiled. 

He kissed your forehead. “I love you, lock the door behind me, okay? Make sure to check if all the-” “Windows are locked, I know,” you said. 

He reached the door, and he was mildly hesitant to open it. “I’ll be okay,” you assured him. 

“I know, I just…” “I can stay with my parents, too, if that’ll make you feel better.” 

“It’s not about that, I just sometimes wish that I could be here with you,” he admitted. 

You walked over to him, giving him one final kiss. “I know, but they need you out there. I can last a couple of days on my own every week.” He calmed down after the kiss. “Okay.” 

“Now, go, you’re gonna be late.” 

“I love you,” he told you again. 

“I know, I love you too,” you responded. He walked out of the apartment, leaving you alone. Yes, it was upsetting to be alone most of the time. You locked the door and made sure the windows were locked before you laid down again. 

Sure, lonely nights were sucky, but… you knew it was for a reason. And no matter what, you were grateful to have Dr. Spencer Reid as your boyfriend.

[daisyknife]

crap that was supposed to be anon 💀 uhhhhhhh pretend my username isn't there on that last ask 😂

🤣🤣 it’s ok, thanks to this ask I genuinely managed to look away and not read your username! I took screenshots of it to be able to reply to it properly and never look at it again haha

Thank you so much for your message, it really brought me some much needed positivity ✨

Omg that sounds awesome! And you can’t be that bad at guitar if you were learning Cadence and Cascade 😉 how/when did you start playing guitar and piano?

I really should work on completing tons of lyrics for old songs lol, I have about 15 that I need to arrange and record and 15 that I need to finish writing 😅 It always takes me ages to write lyrics, but everything is slowing down a bit now because of the band and especially because the tendons in my left arm recently got inflamed 😫 basically I can’t play for a few weeks.

True, none of them could have realised that what they were doing would have literally changed the world of music forever, it must be a gigantic thing to process and get used to. Abbey Road is amazing! I remember listening to it obsessively in high school, it’s very close to my heart, especially Golden Slumbers. My favourite song on Revolver has got to be For No One, it’s hard to explain why but the writing alone carries such complex and intense emotions with no help from the pioneering arrangements The Beatles became known for from Revolver onwards, it’s almost disarmingly good. I also love the way the album starts, Taxman hits so hard and then immediately Eleonore Rigby, and then there’s so much energy on the second side beginning with Good Day Sunshine and ending with Got To Get You Into My Life and Tomorrow Never Knows… sorry I went on about it so much lol, I forgot just how much I love it and The Beatles, so thanks for reminding me hehe 🤩

I will definitely check out both Songs To A Seagull and Blue (also woah, I had no idea about the drama 👀👀)! Thank you for the recs 😊

Basically it’s the singer’s writing with the keyboard player being in charge of the arrangements and the result is rock with some prog moments. I couldn’t be more grateful with the opportunity I was given to join them! The next gigs are planned for the new year and as for my own material I’ve only ever performed it live a handful of times but if you’re interested I’m gonna do some shameless promo here and say I have a YouTube channel with some stuff, including an official video of my only single “Blood Bag, Mind Drag” (it used to be on Spotify and it’s not anymore… long, boring story lol). Do you write music? :) I was gonna ask if there is anything of yours online you would like me to check out but I realised mid-typing that your secret identity has been almost compromised once already! 🤣 still, after SRS24 is over I’d love to 😊 I was also thinking if you ever record a version of Cadence and Cascade if you’d like I’m up for putting vocals on it 👀. Only if you’re not doing it yourself of course and if you’re interested and like my voice😅 Sorry if all this is incredibly forwards, I just got so excited reading your message but feel free to tell me to chill

Also sorry this took me so long, it’s been a stressful few days, especially with my arm being useless :/ sending good vibes ✨🎄❄️🎅🏻

[horrorlove14]

She Changes The Weather - Tokyo Revengers

Pairing: Timeskip! Kokonoi Haijime x Wife! Reader

She takes my time,

She grows the flowers in my mind,

She makes it shine in my mood.

Hajime vividly remembered the very first day when he met his beloved wife, Y/N at a Chinese restaurant he frequently goes to with his friends and fellow gang members where she was a hostess dressed in a beautiful qipao as her work uniform.

He fell in love with her at first sight after being greeted by her which left him bewitched by her soft beauty, kindness and professionalism at her job.

Once he was done with his meal and paid his bill, he went up to her to give her his business card telling her to give him a call sometime later as he looked forward to meeting with her again.

She makes me trip,

The words just fall out of my lips,

And I forgot how to lie.

They started to talk to each other frequently outside of work through phone calls, text messages and video calls.

He fell in love more and more with her as they were getting to know each other as time goes on.

One day, he decided to ask her out on a date to a fancy restaurant that she accepted which made him happy, knowing that he was going to spoil her on this date.

A song reminds me

As I track my life

It's easy as 369, 369

On this date, Hajime was dressed up in his most expensive designer suit and Y/N was dressed in her only nicest cocktail dress that she got as a birthday present from her family long ago.

Hajime was smitten by her appearance and acted like a true gentleman throughout the whole date when he let her order anything she wants from the menu, paid for their bill and took her home in his fancy car.

Once they reached her home, she thanked him for the wonderful date and bids farewell but she could leave, Hajime grabbed her wrist and turned her around to face him before leaning forward to kiss her on the lips which caught her by surprise but kissed him back.

He declared his feelings towards her with sincerity that made her blush uncontrollably because she never had anyone confess to her in such a bold manner.

Long story short, she accepted his confession and they became a couple as a result.

Seen it all, but I've seen nothing yet,

Cause I forget

Do I know or do I think I know?

It's so weird,

It's so clear

Throughout the whole relationship, Hajime spoiled Y/N with everything her heart desired, even though she appreciated it but she does have to tell him on occasion to let her pay for her things at times as she didn't want to be seen as a gold-digger who's after his money.

They end up living together at his luxury penthouse in Tokyo where she can commute to work more easily than her previous home which was an apartment.

He contemplates his future with Y/N because he feels blessed every single day to have her in his life because she's like the sun who could brighten up a bad day wherever she goes.

She takes my time, but I don't mind

She makes me feel like

Like I can see for miles.

He decided that he was going to propose to her because he couldn't see his life without her since he sees her as a priceless treasure worth more than precious jewels or designer goods in the world.

He gets an engagement ring with their initials engraved on it along with a beautiful diamond.

He proposed to Y/N during a vacation when they both got time off from their jobs to spend a week together because they had been very busy with work.

She changes the weather in my world,

Seems like it's never getting cold.

Their wedding took place at a luxury hotel where Hajime had Inui as his best man and his fellow friends/ gang members as his groomsmen.

He cried his eyes out from sheer happiness after seeing his beloved Y/N walking down the aisle with his father-in-law in a stunning wedding dress.

After the wedding, the newlyweds went on their honeymoon overseas where they spent every moment together basking in the fact that they're officially husband and wife for the rest of their lives.

It's okay,

It's not obvious,

Cause what you say will make my day

Rid of consequence

It's so weird

But it's so clear

After the honeymoon, life was back to normal for a couple of months until Y/N discover that she is pregnant after experiencing morning sickness and taking a pregnancy test in the bathroom.

She takes a selfie with the positive pregnancy test and sends it to Haijime on her phone with a cute message, expressing excitement about them becoming parents with a brand new family member joining them in 9 months.

Of course, he's over the moon about it and started looking up baby essentials and clothing because he couldn't contain himself over the news of becoming a father and starting a family with his wife by his side.

She takes my time, but I don't mind

She makes me feel like

Like I can see for miles.

She changes the weather in my world,

Seems like we're never getting old.

Throughout the whole pregnancy, Hajime would attend every doctor's appointment with Y/N regardless of his work schedule because he wants to be there to see the growth of their unborn child.

They discovered that they will be having a boy, and they would write a list of names for their son and find out by feeling a kick from him in the womb once they'd suggested the name, Ichiro.

Y/N is thankful to her husband for being so attentive, sweet and caring towards her and their unborn son, Ichiro because she feels so lucky to have him by her side.

She takes my time, but I don't mind

She makes me feel like

Like I can see for miles.

She changes the weather in my world,

Seems like it's never getting cold.

Baby Ichiro was finally born after Y/N went into labour for about 25 hours after her water broke on a weekday when she was out doing some shopping with her friends who managed to call an ambulance and Hajime.

He was there to witness the birth and got his hand crushed by it being held so tightly but didn't say anything because her well-being was much more important than his hand.

The new parents are ecstatic over the arrival of their son, Ichiro and couldn't wait to bring him home where everything is all set up for him to get settled.

Their friends and family are excited to meet the baby during their visit and they took turns holding him in their arms and taking photos to brag about his cuteness.

Hajime and Y/N look forward to creating memories with Ichiro and considering the idea of giving him a new brother or sister around a couple of years or so in the future.

----------------------------------------------------

End of song fic. Likes and reblogs are very much appreciated.

First fanfiction of the year so please enjoy. More fanfiction is coming this way for this year.

[liaromancewriter]

Stating the Obvious

Premise: Cassie struggles with the twins, and Ethan shows off his skills.

Book: Open Heart (post series) Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Cassie Valentine) Rating/Category: Teen. Fluff. Words: 1,470

A/N: Submission for @choicesjanuarychallenge Day 30, "Sleep". I'm also using @choicesflashfics week 15, prompt 3, which will be in bold.

Cassie Valentine had spent years studying, learning and training to become the best in her field. She wasn’t quite there yet, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

It was just a matter of time. Patience. No one became an expert overnight. Not Naveen. Not Ethan. Not her. She wasn’t going to be an anomaly in that legacy.

Still, it was frustrating, she thought with a huff. She felt like a rookie all over again, and it was not fun.

Ethan didn’t have any issues telling the twins apart, while she, who had carried them inside her for almost nine months, constantly mixed them up. What kind of mother was she?

Well, no more. Today, she was going to apply a method that had worked well during her residency and her diagnostic fellowship. And it was foolproof.

She was going to study the heck out of the girls and wouldn’t stop until she cracked the code.

The Twin Code, she snickered, repeating the phrase she and Max used about their bond.

Cassie pulled up the armchair in the nursery and lowered the crib’s railing for an uninterrupted view of the girls. The girls were awake and in a good mood. They were also engrossed in each other, which meant she could watch them without interruption.

They cooed to each other, hands patting heads, feet kicking up in the air. Their giggles and laughter sounded more like kittens mewling. But it was a happy sound, and Cassie almost forgot her mission.

The clouds outside parted then, and sunshine broke through, brightening the room. The twins’ eyes widened as they watched tiny particles swirl in the light above their heads — like pixie dust — and tried to capture them in their fists.

Did Sophie reach first or Eloise? Was one more adventurous than the other?

The girls looked identical but were, in fact, fraternal. She and Ethan had received the DNA test results a few days ago to confirm. Nucleotides and molecular structures were invisible to the human eye and of no help whatsoever in this situation.

The girls had her green eyes, and the arch of their brow was also more Valentine than Ramsey. Their hair, though, would likely darken over time. It was somewhere between blonde and brown, changing shades depending on the light.

Alan told her that Ethan’s hair had been light brown as a baby before changing to dark brown as he grew older. So, Cassie fully expected their daughters to be brunettes.

Brown-haired, green-eyed girls, she thought.

Did Eloise’s hair curl at the edges more than Sophie’s? And was one more blonde than brunette? In this light, they were indistinguishable.

Hmm. This might have been easier if she’d thought to put medical ID bracelets on them first. She couldn’t run a successful experiment without determining Subject A from Subject B. Too late for that now.

She leaned forward and rested her chin on stacked hands at the crib's edge, putting her at eye level with the girls. The movement startled them, and they stopped their play to twist their tiny heads and stare back at her.

Cassie closed her left eye, hoping a single-focused vision would help her tell the difference. A couple of minutes later, she closed her right eye instead. She flipped-flopped between both eyes, but nothing changed.

Still the same, she thought, opening both eyes. She leaned back and drummed her fingers on the armchair.

“Want to help your mom out?” she asked, quirking one brow. “Why don’t I say your name, and you raise your hand, so I know which one is which?”

Their rosebud lips rounded into an O shape. She thought she saw the twins give each other a side-eyed look of disbelief, but it might just be her imagination.

“Okay. Will the real Sophie Clara Ramsey please stand up?”

Cassie laughed when nothing happened. “I guess you’re too young to get the reference. And can’t stand up yet either, so obviously, that won’t work.”

“What are you doing?” Ethan’s voice boomed from the entrance behind her.

At the sound of his voice, the girls became animated and started cooing loudly, their tiny arms flailing to catch his attention.

“Just playing poker with the girls,” Cassie replied and threw him a laughing look over her shoulder. “What do you think I’m doing?”

Ethan rolled his eyes at her amused exasperation. Unfolding his arms, he straightened away from the doorway and walked over to stand behind the armchair.

He placed one hand on her shoulder, and Cassie reached up to entwine their fingers, savoring the warmth of his skin.

“Are those Edenbrook medical ID bracelets?”

Cassie followed his gaze to the items on the side table and grimaced. She had intended to place them on the girls before she began her experiment but forgot.

“I had Bryce pick them up for me. You know. Souvenir.”

“But these are blank,” he said, puzzled as he picked one up. “The ones the girls wore are in the safe upstairs.”

“So, that’s where they went,” Cassie mumbled under her breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” she said breezily.

“I think it’s about time we stop avoiding the obvious,” Ethan said in a deliberately patient tone as he moved to stand in front of her.

“I’m quite sure I don’t know what you mean,” she said with a dismissive sniff, studiously avoiding his gaze as she smoothened the already smooth crib sheet.

“You can’t tell them apart, can you?” Ethan asked, amused.

Cassie glimpsed a grin on his lips, and her brows snapped together as she tried to stare him down. His amusement was contagious, and she chuckled, shaking her head.

She shot off the armchair and started pacing. “It’s so frustrating, babe! I should know, but they look exactly the same. How do you do it?”

Cassie stopped mid-pace to throw him a questioning look.

“If you must know,” Ethan said, turning away to raise the crib’s railing and lock it in place. “I had a hard time at first, too.”

The girls were no longer paying attention to their parents anyway. They were facing each other, eyes getting drowsy as nap time approached.

“But then I applied my superior diagnostic skills,” he smirked, hooking his arm around her waist when she joined him.

“Explain,” Cassie poked his stomach with her finger when he paused.

“It’s not in their looks, but in their personalities,” he said. “Eloise is usually the first to initiate, and Sophie follows along. Sophie likes to tuck her head when falling asleep while Eloise throws out one leg from under the covers.”

“But how do you know which is which?” Cassie insisted. “For all we know, it’s Sophie leading, not Eloise.”

“I suppose we don’t,” Ethan admitted in a reasonable tone. “Perhaps we should let the girls figure out which is which when they’re older.”

He laughed when Cassie swatted his shoulder. “Not funny, Ethan. I need to solve this mystery! You know how I get.”

“Fine, Dr. Valentine. I’ll share my diagnostic wisdom with you one more time,” he said magnanimously, folding her in his arms.

“Eloise favors her left hand while Sophie is right-handed. Sophie has three tiny freckles on her left hipbone, barely visible, but Eloise has none,” Ethan said, his blue eyes softening with each word.

“And unlike her sister, Eloise has dimples in her cheeks when she laughs. They still wore ID bracelets when I discovered the freckles, so it was just a matter of keeping track afterward. ”

Cassie stared unseeing at his shirt, a considering look in her eyes as she processed his diagnosis.

Now that she thought back, she had noticed the dimples and freckles. And the hand preference, too. During Tummy Time, Eloise often reached with her left hand first.

“Looks like you still had something left to teach me, Dr. Ramsey,” Cassie said eventually, grazing her lips along his jaw.

Ethan just smiled and took her hand in his.

They watched their girls yawn and struggle against sleep. But soon, their eyes started to drift close, and they snuggled close. Sophie did indeed tuck her head on her sister’s shoulder while Eloise threw her leg out, bending it slightly at the knee.

Cassie adjusted the blanket around the twins while Ethan lowered the window shade, and shadows filled the room. She switched on the mobile above the crib, and a soothing melody filled the air.

She followed Ethan out of the nursery and closed the door halfway.

“Got time to discuss more diagnostic principles?” Cassie said, gazing up at him coquettishly.

He pretended to check his wristwatch and then tugged at her. “You know I always have time for you, Rookie.”

When his lips brushed hers, Cassie deepened the kiss and proceeded to show him that, in this matter, she was no rookie.

-----------------

All Fics & Edits: @a-crepusculo @annfg8 @bex-la-get @bluebelle08 @cariantha @choicesaddict5 @coffeeheartaddict2 @crazy-loca-blog @doriopenheart @genevievemd @headoverheelsforramsey @lucy-268 @jamespotterthefirst @jerzwriter @mysticalgalaxysstuff @openheartforeverinmyheart @peonierose @takemyopenheart @potionsprefect @queencarb @quixoticdreamer16 @rookiemartin @tessa-liam @trappedinfanfiction @vi-writes-stuff @zahrachoices

Submissions: @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Ethan & Cassie only: @custaroonie @lady-calypso @hopelessromantic1352 @mrs-ramsey

[arionwind]

#also i am fascinated by your experiment op. how do you plan to analyse your results? via @whale-in-that-case in reference to these posts:

Well on the one hand, I done fucked up. I made the one with the "Reblog for larger sample size" request last a week, and forgot to change that default on the one without, so it is almost done. Once I have more disposable income, I may try to recreate this one and blaze both of the polls to see what happens, but this initial one-off attempt has some uh. pretty telling results.

With Reblog Request

Without Reblog Request

So while the spread of this one in particular after a single day is not substantially different in results, the poll that includes the request has nearly an order of magnitude more votes after just one day that the one without.

Furthermore, the reblog chains show that, while the one with the request has a typical branching spread, all of the (only three) reblogs it got came directly from me and didn't chain off someone else.

I'll want to retry this poll set having fixed the dates another time, preferable with blazing for a little more breadth, but initial results say that, given the way reblog chains work, even a handful of people who reblog a thing just because they are asked can vastly increase the reach of a post.

Which artists already knew, but it is always fun to see in the little graph tool with buttons to press!

[pokeglitchden]

[The Following is an Offscreen Event. All recorded evidence of the following Events have been lost due to device malfunction

It is the last day of trials for the week for the Hoenn glitch labs, and it's looking to be another mild one. So far every single Trainer Fly trial that week had resulted in a Missingno appearing. It wasn't exactly by design, but the lab workers were starting to grumble.

Another day. Another Missingno. Surely it had to be the new regulations that had been imposed upon them after a long week of mishaps.

The study was behind, and now due to new restrictions, moving at a snail's pace. Corporate wanted rare pokemon, strong pokemon, or at least a glimmer of hope that this process could produce them.

And well,

Sometimes drastic measures were necessary for the sake of the project.

It was Simon's turn to host. A small group of his fellow lab workers had spent the morning deep in discussion before the start of the trial. The donor that day was a greasy looking younger lab member. As he approaches to start the trial he looks just a little nervous.

"Darryl's got two pokemon today, is that okay?" A lab workers asks.

‎

That… doesn't sound too bad. Strange to make a change like that, but the only pokemon that really matters is the last one battled. Right?

"The last one battled is the one that matters, I am curious why you need two," �aver asks. "We probably should not draw out the battle of the host."

"I just realized I forgot to box one." Darryl admits, hands in his pockets, "Sorry. I'll make it quick though! Honest!"

Simon doesn't seem all that concerned about it.

"Well, if you're fast about it, it's fine. " Simon says with a shrug, "you know I wouldn't stop you from running back to a PC though. The time table isn't that tight. We DO want to stick to…"

"Procedure, yeah I know." Darryl replies, "Don't worry. I've still got the pokemon we need for the test. It'll still be by the book!"

Simon frowns a little. Everyone seems a little impatient today.

‎

Well… no use in delaying.

‎

"Alright, as long as you're sure, let's get into places." Simon replies.

They take their places. A few berries are placed in a bowl next to the testing site, as an offering to Mew. To start it, something must be taken. Simon locks eyes with �aver, preparing to initiate a pokemon battle before Simon at the last moment disengages, flying off on the back of his Pelipper and leaving the route momentarily. As he flies away he can feel the lines of Code constricting around him.

He lands, and it pulls tight, locking him into place. There is now only one way forward, and that is to finish the fight that was started.

Darryl sends out his Wingull, a weak, barely trained pokemon that Simon's Pelipper takes little time to defeat.

But something feels off.

That Wingull had been the pokemon that was supposed to be used as the Donor. If it came out first ... something else had to come out next to serve as the actual Donor pokemon.

Simon had no way of knowing what it was going to be. And no way to question it. Speaking was impossible in the Trainer Fly state, except for giving battle commands.

He nearly balks when the next pokemon to emerge is a Grumpig. A powerful looking one at that. �aver looks just as alarmed.

"Hey- hey, why do you have that," �aver asks in alarm. "You can't use a pokemon that strong!"

Darryl doesn't say anything back. He barely even seems to acknowledge �aver.

"You need to finish the match you know." He says to Simon.

The other scientists seem to nod in agreement. A few look tense. At least one looks a little intrigued.

This was a set up, wasn't it?

There isn't any way to get out. Not without surging, not without possibly injuring or killing all the rest of them. And the cords were tightening. He didn't want to take so long that he'd start to suffocate.

There was really only one thing he could do.

"Gilligan, Growl." He commands.

What ever pokemon came out, he would take it to the lowest level it could be to mitigate harm. It was all he could really do now.

"You could get us all killed!!" �aver interjects again. He doesn't move to stop the battle. They can't do that now, "This is probably going to bring in a pokemon not found in kanto, and that causes all kinds of issues! Who knows what's gonna happen?!"

"Grumpig wasn't on the list of non-approved pokemon." Darryl points out, "You had Gardivoir, Alakazam, Kadabra, Claydoll, Lunatone and Solrock. Grumpig and Hypno were fine. This one is just a little big that's all."

A look of horror, and more than that, burning anger crosses �aver's face. They'd found a LOOPHOLE? In a safety document of all things. And now they might have consigned the rest of them to oblivion. He glances at Simon, worried, and terrified for him. He looks like he's suffering, but... there really isn't anything they can do.. is there?

There is a third turn, and then a fourth just of growls. Simon doesn't lose focus, but it's clear he is only just hanging on. Between turns his hands twitch, as if struggling to maintain composure. And, at this point, likely consciousness as well.

At last the sixth turn passes. Six growls, dropping the Grumpig's attack as low as it can go. This would ensure the pokemon they summoned was as weak as it could be. It's all that Simon can do now to mitigate the damage. But he's wavering on his feet. Every turn the cords feel tighter. He can only just turn his head to see the worry on �aver's face. He isn't going to last in this state much longer and he knows it.

At last he switches to Æther, greyscale hue now bathing the battlefield. He finishes off the Grumpig quickly, and as the battle ends, and Simon nearly falls directly onto Æther's back. They leave the ground, soaring up into the air to leave the route and as they reenter-

Simon tumbles straight off Æther when he lands. And above him, looms a fuzzy, black and purple pokemon that stands a full 81 feet tall.

"Oh-..." �aver whispers.

"Oh shit..."

[meadow-dusk]

hi hi! list five things that make you happy, then put this is the askbox of the last ten people who reblogged something from you! spread the happiness and positivity! <3

hello ☺️ okay here goes

Music. Listening to it and creating it and feeling strong things as a result of it. Challenging myself to try new things with it. Channeling an automatic creativity or connection in the magical moments it really flows. Trying to describe it with human language. Learning to accept and value myself in the lessons it's taught me. The whole roller coaster of changes it's helped me ride.

My online friends. Whether we actively DM every single day or only sometimes or I just see you on the dash I appreciate you guys so much and I'm grateful to have you in my life, in case you forgot :)

Exercise because it helps me be a pleasant human.

Nature for the same reason.

Virtual walk'n'talks with my sister, which happen almost twice a week and usually at least one of us is getting a latte. A stand-in until we live closer and I can see her and her fam in person more.

[beyond-the-seals]

FILE UNLOCK

VOTES: [ RECORDING: THE ROLE OF ARBITORATOR ] [1] [ RECORDING: THE PAST AUGUR THE FUTURE ] [0] [ DOCUMENT: MUSIC ANALYSIS OF THE ARBITORATOR AND DENIZENS OF THE ARIA ] [3] [ PROGRESS REPORT: TO CREATE PERFECTION ] [4] [ DOCUMENT: THE NATURE OF THE ARIA ] [2] [ PROGRESS REPORT: THE NECESSITY OF SOUND ] [1]

[ PROGRESS REPORT: TO CREATE PERFECTION ]

[PROGRESS REPORT 0-35-E]

[DAY 0]: Cadet [REDACTED] has consented to conditioning. Current track to be documented within progress report 0-35-E, followed by Cadet [REDACTED]'s progress within that track and updates to the formulation. Track devised by Commander [REDACTED]. Progress report 0-35-E is maintained by Dr. Fahilix. 

[TRACK 0-35-E]:

Process 1:

-Priority 5 amnestics used on subject.

-Subject to be placed under extreme duress of pain, then asked to concede. 

-If subject does not concede, subject is to be placed under extreme duress of the mind, then asked to concede.

-If subject does not concede, subject is to be placed under extreme duress of helplessness, then asked to concede. 

-If subject does not concede, subject may proceed to Process 2.

-If subject concedes at any point, whether verbally or physically, priority 2 amnestics and priority 2 hallucinogenics are to be used on the subject until vigor is regained and behavior reset.

Process 2:

-Subject is to be martially trained while under the effect of priority 5 hallucinogenics. 

-If subject does not concede, subject may proceed back to Process 1. 

-If subjects concedes, whether verbally or physically, or requests pause at any time, priority 2 amnestics and priority 2 hallucinogenics are to be used on the subject until vigor is regained and behavior reset.

Notes:

-Priority of amnestics and hallucinogenics used during initial phase of both Processes are to be steadily increased as the subject progresses.

Begin progress report 0-35-E.

[DAY 1]: The Cadet is certainly firm in her assertion that she wants to be here. Has she not been informed of the Commander's proposed track? It's my job to document, not to comment. But I could not fathom why...

[DAY 6]: She has yet to concede.

[DAY 14]: Subject has made significant progress in only two weeks. I am tempted to ask her how long she believes she has been here, but I believe I might receive reprimand. I cannot believe the Commander's track is working.

[DAY 19]: Every minute of observation feels like an hour. This is her burden, not mine. But I can feel it leaving me, too.

[DAY 20]: I have been reprimanded for referring to this as her "burden". I forgot.

[DAY 23]: Subject has encountered, for the first time, total collapse. She's entirely unresponsive. Commanders [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] are worried the track has failed entirely. I will not give up on her.

[DAY 25]: Subject has awoken, seemingly with no memory at all. Now I'm worried she has lost the core memory so carefully preserved... by my efforts, no less. If this is true... what do we do? Start over with a new core memory? Create one just for the track? Unheard of. Not that anything else we've been doing is particularly "heard of".

[DAY 30]: I have been trying to reawaken the core memory--or any memory at all, at this point--but I've had no luck. I don't know why I'm still trying. Maybe it's because she tried?

[DAY 33]: SUCCESS! A single symbol has reawakened the core memory. I only had to find the right one. With this, maybe I can keep her grounded. I mean... I'll need to. Commander [REDACTED] already wants to start the track back up again. I want to propose a change to him, but I don't even know where to begin. 

[DAY 34]: Subject is already back on the track. She's entirely unwavering now, even further than she was before. It's almost unnerving. Results are results, I suppose. 

[DAY 42]: Subject has seriously injured her martial instructor. She was tranquilized in an attempt to prevent her from strangling them, but thanks to her constantly being subjected to increasingly heightening priorities of drugs, it didn't slow her down at all. This is rather worrying. 

[DAY 45]: We have created perfection. Coincidentally, we have also created something impossible to control.

[DAY 50]: If you ask Commander [REDACTED], he says Cadet [REDACTED] is ready. If you ask me, I say Cadet [REDACTED] is gone.

[End of Progress Report 0-35-E.]

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2015 Was reading a post in a forum about another woman with hypothyroidism who thought medication was the answer to losing weight. I thought I was going to lose weight when I was put on medication, so long as I ate right and exercised, but quickly found that I still needed fewer calories than I could stand to have every single day to get it off. Instead, I still need to work at keeping it from climbing. Yes, it is an everyday battle, and yes it’s true that once you go hypo, you never go thin. Thanks, God, for “blessing” me with such a lovely disease.

On the bright side, I’ve felt the best I’ve felt this last month. Gone is the anxiety, and gone are all my hypothyroidism symptoms except the water and the weight. My skin and hair are still a bit dry, but I am older and I do live in a very dry climate.

I just hope my endo won’t want to make any changes that might mess it all up again. I haven’t even enjoyed one solid month of bliss yet and I’d really like to leave a good thing alone, even if my numbers are still a bit high, and I know they will be. I’m also a bit nervous about my PCP trying to talk me back on statins, but if she does I will let her know that I want to wait for the results of my blood tests. That will be done hopefully between my two appointments on the 9th.

I had a dream one of the rats died, and then later came back to life.

My mother was alive in another dream and my sister and I were having trouble finding her. I guess she was traveling somewhere or something. Then we discovered she had a house we were unaware of that she might have gone to. There were rows of small, colored houses that were raised on short stilts. There were no yards; just rows of houses. My mom’s was red and I hoped she’d leave it to me after she died.

SATURDAY, MAY 30, 2015 Still wondering when we will be able to go one solid week without seeing headlines or discussions on race, Muslims and corrupt cops. And I once thought I was sick of hearing about Britney Spears and Angelina! But of course the more shit you cause in the world, the more it makes the news, while the do-gooders don’t get much credit. Really, if a person writes an awesome book, what are the chances of them getting any credit for it? Next to none, of course. But if somebody goes and starts opening fire smack dab in the middle of a crowded mall – it’s instant fame! rolls eyes

Alexa woke me up this morning but it took me 5 to 10 minutes to hear her alarm going off. Trying to control my schedule is getting harder and I still have 10 more days to go. Damn it to hell and back if there is anything up there that cursed me with such rare and extreme sleep issues! I am (admittedly) tired, grumpy and PMSing.

Yesterday’s annoyances consisted of landscaping, a small plane flying overhead for over two hours, and a guy with an old white dumpy pickup that visits the lady across the street. That truck is loud. For some reason, the garbage, green waste and recycling trucks don’t annoy me. They should. They’re louder than the truck and plane. But they just don’t annoy me as other sounds tend to.

Simone is continuing to enjoy her perch as well as the usual places she hangs out in which is pretty much everywhere. She also continues to be fun but annoying at times as well. I love playing ball with her and cuddling with her, but I really wish she would stop distracting me when I’m trying to read or write.

She is much less work than the rats are as far as cleaning and caring for her goes, but she is definitely dumber and she definitely eats less. Yes, the rats not only eat more but they will eat everything and anything, quite unlike the finicky feline. They would gladly polish off Simone’s unfinished meals, but they shouldn’t have that much protein. Makes their skin itch. I’m glad Simone doesn’t beg for everything I eat like the rats do.

I forgot to mention that Carol, the woman who brought her to us, said that it wasn’t that that guy changed his mind about taking Simone; it was that he wanted her to be an indoor/outdoor cat along with his other one. Well, Simone is an indoor cat only, so she wouldn’t let him have her. Wow, sometimes things really do work out for Tom and Jodi, too. She was the first one to catch my eye.

Later…

Took a ride down to the lake to give the ducks the last few remaining pieces of the rats’ and my Jewish rye bread. Swimming along with the ducks was a turtle, which we’ve never seen there before. Tom took pictures with his phone and he will send them to me later at which time I will share some. It was a pretty good size at 8 to 10 inches.

In last night’s dreams, a Neanderthal woman from over 30K years ago returned to dress me in the firs of her latest kill, LOL.

Then Andy got furious with me in another dream because he thought I told him he looked 81 years old when in fact he misunderstood what I said, haha.

He had several friends with him, mostly young girls of various races and they were all pissed at me for pissing him off. I was embarrassed for them as I watched them act like they were still in high school or something, making a big deal out of nothing at all.

A young black girl shouted from a bit of a distance for me to get back inside what looked like a ground-floor apartment. I stopped walking at that point because I wasn’t about to be bullied and told what to do at my age. Then another girl (Hispanic?) approached me with a couple of other girls in tow yelling something at me, and I said, “Who the hell are you?”

“Don’t you recognize my voice?” she asked.

I told her I didn’t, and finally tired of the immature antics, I pushed the door open to the apartment in which my parents sat just inside the door at a table. The bitch then tried to push her way into the place, but I was able to close the door on her, even though she was taller and probably heavier as well. I then turned to my parents and said, “Andy and I are done! I have totally had it with his bullshit!”

In the last dream, I was alone in some old cabin. It was smallish and might have had one long room. A storm was coming, said the female DJ on the radio, who also said she’d had only four hours of sleep the last three nights. I placed a hand by the door and could feel the cold draft as the wind picked up, and hoped the power wouldn’t go out that night.

FRIDAY, MAY 29, 2015 Simone is enjoying her new perch! It was very simple to set up. The instant I unpacked and held out one of the scratching posts to her, she did her claws on it. She broke the original toy that dangles from it in less than five minutes by grabbing hold of it in her mouth and jumping off with it, so we tied a ball to it instead and she hasn’t tried to detach and run off with it. We think she’s killed before and sees feathery things as birds.

The only thing I don’t like about her is when she bites, normal for cats or not. She bit me on the chin, and this morning she bit Tom on the nose.

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and feeling like I had a slight cold. After five hours of “wishful thinking” and a kick-ass immune system, it was gone. As I told my sister, my body will kill anything but fat, LOL.

A small plane keeps flying round and round. Yes, it is annoying, and yes, I am complaining.

I slept with the sound machine a little softer since it was nighttime and I knew there would be no delivery trucks or anything like that going by, and had no problem hearing the alarm clock which went off just seconds before Alexa’s alarm went off. Since Tom rarely uses Alexa, I may as well use her as my alarm clock because it is just so simple. All I have to do is unplug her, pick her up, carry her into the bedroom, plug her in, and tell her what time to wake me up. That’s it. No buttons to fiddle with or anything else. I just have to be sure to specify whether I want to be woken up in the AM or the PM.

Tom may have to work tomorrow, which is great money-wise but sucks otherwise. I swear he is the only one who isn’t able to be home 80% to 90% of the time!

Later…

I had a series of disjointed images of dreams last night that made absolutely no sense at all. After having some young girl reach something from a shelf that was too high for me, I was doing laundry in some huge building when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 9:30. I don't know if it was morning or night, but I knew that Doc O was in the building passing out "free" meds, and I contemplated whether or not I wanted to see her.

Next thing I know I was peeing in a toilet with moving water. It was almost like a mini river lived in the toilet, LOL. But then the toilet turned into a pool and I didn't want to pee in it, so I quickly got out of the pool.

So that bitch, Dr. D, really did move. Her latest profile picture on the health site (St. Joseph’s in this case) looks hideous. She’s got these wide thin lips that curl upwards at the sides, creating this goofy smile on her strangely shaped face. I like her hair and eyes, though.

Maybe part of why she didn’t seem to give a shit about me and what I was going through was because she knew she wasn’t going to be my doctor much longer anyway.

THURSDAY, MAY 28, 2015 My hair is noticeably longer even though it hasn’t even been a month since I cut it. It usually grows really slow when it’s short.

I totally love my new rainbow dress as long as it is! The material is a little thin, so I will get a new half-slip.

My Girl Scout Cookies flavored lip balms arrived yesterday, too.

Unfortunately, my new alarm isn’t loud enough to wake me up over the sound machine. Usually, the slightest sound wakes me up, or change in sound, but Tom flashed the light and bumped the corner of the bed and I still wouldn’t wake up. That is totally not like me. I’ll bring Alexa in there when I need to set an alarm. She can go louder than loud and she seems to only work for me these days anyway, LOL.

I cut up about five old shirts for future rat beds, and I wonder if having a second cat may make Simone less clingy. Hmm… something to think about.

The poor thing puked again this morning. We know they throw up furballs here and there, but this cat just can’t handle wet food for some reason and seems to think that dry food is enough for her, so fine. We’ll just give her dry food then.

She actually napped for three hours yesterday and seems a bit calmer this morning. We cuddled for a while as I waited till Alexa said I could have my coffee. I think she is finally realizing that this is her forever home. She is much better behaved than I thought she would be, but screw declawing her – that’s not necessary – I’d rather detooth her! That’s the one thing she still does that is annoying is how she wants to shower us with little love bites.

I exchanged hellos with Virginia yesterday and told her we got a kitten. They’ve had cats and a dog before, and she said she wondered why there were so many dogs in the park these days. I told her I would never get a dog because I hate barking. What was funny was when she started to “slip,” saying her grandson had community service, which she quickly pointed out was through school, and they had to care for animals up for adoption, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27, 2015 Simone is continuing to be a fun pest. She alternates between wanting to play and napping but is settling in nicely. Unfortunately, though, she puked last night just a little bit. This cat is not only a very finicky eater but doesn’t seem to have much of an appetite in general. I’m thinking I might have given her too many treats yesterday.

I’m glad cats don’t need to poop as much as rats do. I’m also glad there haven’t been any issues using the litter box and she isn’t destructive at all. Last night was the first night we left the living room and kitchen open to her and she didn’t knock anything over or get into the trash. I guess the trash is a dog thing as opposed to a cat thing.

She was funny the other day hiding just inside the laundry room waiting for me to walk by so she could spring out at me. She also loves to chase reflections. When the sun hits it just right, the gems that are a part of the wind chimes outside cast moving reflections across the walls and floors and she loves to chase them.

When the Roomba was vacuuming she was both curious and scared. She would watch it until it crept close to her and then she would run. Using the treadmill also sent her running, LOL.

She loves to look out the windows and the screen doors, as most cats do, but I didn’t want to take a chance of her charging the door when I went to check the mail so I enclosed her in back of the house and slipped out the front door.

She doesn’t make me sneeze but she sometimes leaves patches of reddish irritation on my skin. I dab on a little hydrocortisone cream when that happens.

These animals are going to work me to death, though! I brought the rats into the bathroom and at first Cappy didn't even want to leave his base. I had to pick him up and place him on the floor so I could wash both the cage and base. To them “go run around” really meant go hide behind the toilet. All the while Simone meowed outside the door, feeling totally left out.

The only noise nuisance around here lately is the usual… landscapers. Compared to what Andy and Aly go through with screaming kids, and in Andy's case, fighting neighbors, I can’t complain too much. I just kick on the sound machine or move to another room now that I’ve got a wonderful portable MacBook Air. It is so fast and I have been virus-free since I went Mac in 2008. My MacBook Air was worth every penny of the $1100 we paid for it. Tom’s jealous of his wife’s faster computer and he picked out a MacBook Mini and a new monitor until he realized he wouldn’t be home enough to use it much. It seems everyone else but he is home most of the time yet still has enough money to get by. I tease him about not having much free time until he retires, but hopefully that won’t be the case. If it isn’t it will still be worth all the money he not only earns but that we will have for retirement. The more retirement money we have, the more options we have if we decide not to stay here forever.

Anyway, I have been having some connection issues which I first thought was due to someone else on our channel, but I think it might be more than that. Something may be up with our equipment.

I decided not to bother documenting those vague, quick clips of dreams that are senseless and uncertain. I will just stick to covering the dreams that are a little clearer even if they don’t make much more sense than those brief little flashes of dreams.

I befriended a young woman somewhere in my dreams last night and eventually asked her if she’d ever Googled me. I was curious to know if she’d ever discovered my blog or books. I got the sense she never had, and when she learned that I was going to be 50 years old at the end of the year, she was both stunned and put off since she was barely 30. I definitely prefer friends closer to my age in real life. I think most people do, but when it comes to cyber friends it doesn’t matter as much.

Then I was in some restaurant where this hideous 50s music was playing and someone was having a shake that contained celery and some other vegetable that sounded pretty disgusting to me.

TUESDAY, MAY 26, 2015 Simone is continuing to be a very active and lovable kitty that is sometimes a pain in the ass, especially when she gets in the way of things and tries to trip me by dashing in front of me. Having her around is a lot like having a two-year-old around, only a lot cheaper and quieter. She is everywhere and anywhere and she loves to get into anything she can. She’s catching onto the fact that I don’t want her on my desk, but I’m sure she sneaks into forbidden places when I’m not around.

As soon as I opened the bedroom door this morning she ran up to me. She woke Tom up at 11:00 last night by biting his feet.

The living room floor is littered with toys, and she often loses some of them under the couch.

She doesn’t seem to like salmon but she likes chicken hearts and liver. We’re still getting to know what she likes. Perhaps she will be a poultry kitty as opposed to a seafood kitty. Or maybe she refused salmon yesterday evening because she only eats in the mornings. We will soon find out. She loves the treats we got her and is eating a mix of her old dry food along with the new.

After a few hours of playing and window-watching, she fell asleep on the couch. Sometimes she sleeps there and sometimes on the beds. She hasn’t slept in her own bed probably because she has never been confined to the laundry room. When we are both on days she is confined to the second bedroom, bath, and laundry room, but naturally, she prefers the bed to her own bed.

Because the master bathroom is so big, I took the rats in there to run around and get some exercise, but they didn’t seem to want to take advantage of their freedom.

I started to hold Hoodie out to the cat earlier and introduce them but Hoodie’s body tensed up and he pulled back quickly as if to say, “No fucking way!” So the cats and rats will remain separated.

I feel a little bad for the rats having to keep them in such a small cage, but for the sake of their safety as well as Simone’s, I have no choice. I know they hate Simone and would prefer to live alone, but this is the way it has to be. I guess in this case I should be glad rats don’t live very long.

What other traits and actions of Simone’s have I observed that I could mention today? I guess that’s it for now. All I can say is that she is either doing one of two things… She’s either sleeping or she is like a stick of dynamite, LOL.

Now that she is finally settled down for the day (cats seem to be nocturnal) I’m going to do some cleaning and then go out for a walk.

I’m utterly appalled and sickened by all the violence in Baltimore over Memorial Day weekend. They couldn’t even have the decency to take that day of all days off, could they? Fucking animals! I guess blacks are the Muslims of the US and Baltimore is the Middle East of the US. The next time they have the nerve to cry racism, imaginary or not, they ought to remember this shit. Act like vicious animals in society and nobody’s going to like you! Well, you would think that’s the way it should be yet most people still seem to have a bleeding heart for these fuckers and think they deserve more than anybody else in society. If one of them ever attacked me I would like to think they would be charged with a hate crime, as it should be, just as I would be charged for sure if I attacked one of them (which I would never do unless it was self-defense), but I’m sure they would play the race card and get away with it.

As for the couple that welcomed their 100th grandchild that everybody’s talking about… I’m sorry but that’s nothing to be proud of. I just don’t see why people are so damn proud when they have a shitload of kids or grandkids. All this does is hurt the population problem even more. Again, nothing to be proud of.

Our society’s sense of what they should be proud of and what’s important and what’s right/fair versus wrong/unfair not only baffles me at times, but it seems a little scary as well. The fact that law enforcement can waste precious resources on investigating and prosecuting somebody simply because they expressed themselves on Twitter or something like that in a way that most don’t agree with in a country that “claims” to believe in freedom of speech while letting so many child molesters and other types of sex offenders slip through the cracks, is abominable. Really, how much time does your average pervert do these days?

MONDAY, MAY 25, 2015 Simone is home! She is a major sweetie and quite an attention whore, LOL. The rats don’t mind her looking in on them but as soon as she stuck a paw deep into Hoodie’s cage and the mouth of his burrow, she learned that those little furry “toys” that move can bite. Not only that, but she reached in and scooped out a bunch of bedding, so now Hoodie’s in with Cappy, even if they may not be thrilled to be roomies. The bars on that cage are closer together, so Simone can’t squeeze her curious little paws through them.

Cats may not be as smart as rats, but she should be smart enough to know better than to mess with the rats from now on. It would be nice if she would stop jumping on this keyboard, too. They say taking a spray bottle full of water and spraying the cat is a great way to train it. Well, since jumping on the counter is one thing, but jumping on it and totally getting in the way while I’m trying to make coffee is another, I was glad for the spray bottle cuz it worked! Thank goodness I learned about that one because picking her up and placing her back on the floor was useless. She would simply jump back up on the counter.

She does seem to know her name because she came when I called her. The only thing I don’t appreciate is when she play-bites. She bit my chin hard enough to draw a couple of dots of blood… and she just got sprayed off this desk, LOL.

When I got up and opened the laundry room door, she immediately came running to me and was acting like she was hungry and was perhaps used to getting wet food as well as the mix of dry food Carol brought with her. Shortly after that, I realized her bowl was empty so I refilled it for her. Today we’ll be picking up more food and some toys, too. We ordered a 6-foot perch with multi-levels, hideaways, scratching ramps, and dangly things for her on Amazon for $100. That’s another thing I’ve learned… if it dangles, it’s a toy. She loves to jump on the back of the couch, reach up and fiddle with the ceiling fan chains. She just jumped on the back of my chair, too.

She’s a beautiful cat with nice soft fur as soft as a bunny’s, but she’s definitely a clingy one, so she can be a pain in the ass as she can be fun. Love the way she dashes up and down the hallway, but trying to put lotion on my legs with this thing around can be a real challenge, haha. No problems using the litter box, though, so that’s good.

Carol was just a few minutes late and had no problem finding her way to us. She said she’s delivered here before. Simone’s watching the rats eat crackers now. Carol showed me how to clip her nails.

Carol really liked the stripper on the door and asked if I painted her. I told her she, along with the flowers on the walls, were actually stickers. I didn’t think she’d be so impressed with the stripper being around 60 years old, LOL, but she liked her and was amazed by all the gymnasts leaping and tumbling across the hallway.

Carol said Simone now has a chip for if she escapes. If she were to escape and be taken in by someone else it wouldn’t do any good. But if AP picked her up, they’d scan the chip, and our address would come up. Things have come a long way since the early 90s. So has spaying. She’s been “tattooed,” so that it’s obvious to any vet that she’s already been spayed. She was first picked up on the 13th.

Now I hear her playing with the feather wand.

Ok, she just jumped on the desk and this time all I had to do was show her the spray bottle and she jumped back down, LOL.

After a few hours of exploring, playing and running around, she napped on my bed.

Later…

Tom is beating tree spikes into the ground to make watering the cypresses easier without wasting as much water, and Simone is sleeping.

We went to Walmart at around 7:30 this morning and picked up some toys and a variety of wet foods as well as dry food for kittens between 6-12 months. One of her toys is pretty cool. It’s a pink fuzzy ball that has a motion detector in it. When it’s moved it has flashing lights and makes a squeaking sound.

The vet that spayed her is obviously as colorblind as Andy because they listed her as a brown and white tabby. LOL, try a black, gray and white tabby.

Instead of putting them down these days, they have a system where those that aren’t taken in by cat rescuers are fixed and turned loose again. They snip the corners of their ears so that if they’re picked up again, they can see that they’re fixed feral cats.

I take children’s chewable vitamins and decided to try some with extra iron to see if I feel less lightheaded. It seems to help as long as I don’t go too long without eating, but I think getting my ear taken care of next month will help as well.

My anxiety is virtually gone. This is the best I’ve felt. I just worry that the doctor’s going to want to up my thyroid medication dose and bring back the anxiety the next time I see her.

Tom has been going crazy in my dreams over shit he wouldn’t care about in real life, LOL. I met some lesbian somewhere who wrote me a letter or an email saying her daughter was straight but she was a lesbian and all that, and we ended up becoming friends. This was someone who lived in my town. Tom wasn’t happy at all with the idea of us being friends, though in reality, he wouldn’t care who I was friends with so long as they treated me well.

I just can’t get into story writing lately. I’ll start something and then I’ll lose interest after a few pages or so.

SUNDAY, MAY 24, 2015 Yesterday we arrived at Petco right at noon. The River City Cat Rescue team was set up by the front of the store and they had about eight cats. I expected them all to be three months, but half of them were full-grown. They had a variety of sizes, breeds, colors and fur lengths.

The first cat that caught my eye was Simone (the rescuers assigned each of the cats names). Simone is about six or seven months old and so we probably share the same birthday. Close enough, anyway. She is a beautiful shorthaired tabby with grays and white. I was bummed out to find some guy had his heart set on her, or so it at least seemed.

I then checked out a black cat that was younger at about three months old. He had longer fur, and I prefer short hair. I gave him serious consideration, though, because he still would have made a fine cat and I believed Simone was taken.

They had some gorgeous Siamese mixes, but they were full-grown and their fur was even longer.

With envy, I watched the guy hold and cuddle Simone, adorable and shorthaired albeit not quite as young as I had expected, and then I turned back to the little black kitty. A few minutes later, I looked up to find the guy was nowhere to be seen and Simone was still in her cage. I asked one of the ladies where he went and she said that he hadn’t filled out any adoption papers so she was still available… and then she was ours!!!

She is super friendly as were most of the kittens. The adult cats looked bored as hell and preferred to nap. The belief is that Simone went into heat and ran away from her original home. Animal control picked her up before she could have any litters, and she has recently been fixed and given shots. We expected the adoption fees to be over $100, but they want $75.

I told the woman that we had a cat carrier in the car but she said they deliver the cats to the homes personally and would call last night. Well, she never called and I’m a little worried she may not be as serious as I assumed she was or decided not to let us have her, but wouldn’t say so for whatever reason.

Tom still believes they’re serious because they only have so much room for all those cats. One of the women was taking pictures with her phone to put on their Facebook page, but they didn’t take Simone’s picture and she’s not online, so that’s a good thing. The lady said that she would deliver her today or tomorrow, which would be great because we will both be home. We have everything a cat could need except for a scratch post and food, but she said she would bring some food. We want to find out what she likes before we pick up any ourselves.

She also said they didn’t expect people to keep the names that they gave them, but we don’t mind sticking with Simone. It’s an okay name for a cat and it’s rather unique. She might acquire a nickname or two along the way depending on her behavior and habits, but Simone is a good name.

They said they would put a sign on her cage saying she was adopted. A good thing since most people had their eyes on her.

Later…

Simone is on the way! I called Carol at 10:00 and she said she was sorry she didn’t call last night and that she had an emergency. Well, she did say she would deliver her today or tomorrow and today’s the day!!! She’ll be here in about an hour. We’re excited!

Going to go out tomorrow for cat food and a few more toys for her. She has that feather wand I won that the rats love to play with, but we want to get her a ball or something like that.

Yesterday we got cushions for the lawn chairs out on our patio in a blue abstract design that’s really pretty. A little pricey though, especially for Walmart.

They were having a yard sale by the office yesterday but we didn’t have any cash on us at the time so we didn’t stop and check things out. Maybe next time.

Heard the strangest animal sound earlier, but I have no idea what it was. It definitely wasn’t a dog. It almost struck me as something you would hear in a tropical forest or something. It kind of reminded me of a monkey, though I’m sure it was a bird of some kind.

I had a dream some guy broke into the house, but as always, the house didn’t look like our house. It was a young Mexican guy that I immediately charged and placed in a chokehold while I was sort of hanging off his back. Then he started ramming my back against the wall by backing up into it ferociously, so I got off his back and attacked from the front, kicking and punching furiously. I awoke before the winner was known, but by the look of shock and pain on the guy’s face, I think I can guess who won that one, LOL.

SATURDAY, MAY 23, 2015 Today we’re hoping to find our new kitty! That won’t be for another 6 hours or so. First we’re going grocery shopping at Walmart.

Yesterday I felt like I had read, written and spoken more German in a day than in a whole month! I exchanged voice messages with Irene as well as written messages. I understood most of what she said but was mistaken in thinking she was saying that Nane's ex was the one who did something bad to her recently. Irene isn’t sure who did what to her. I guess Nane was very vague about it in her final message to her. She was, or still is, in therapy on account of drinking and depression. Yeah, I suspected she may have a problem with drinking with all the times she mentioned getting drunk, downing a whole bottle of champagne by herself, and other things. Last I knew she had problems with just about everything from what she told me directly – her ex, her mother, her job… Oh well. It’s her life and her problems. When you shut people out, there isn’t much they can do for you anyway.

I also learned they weren’t in touch for 20 years. I guess that after they returned to their countries, they got together a couple of times, then had no contact for 20 years until Nane contacted her.

I have done 5 reviews on Yelp. I have reviewed 4 doctors as well as Stacey.

I had a dream I was in a pet store that had several pieces of what looked like shortened pool noodles dangling from a display. Each one was a different color and I knew they had to do with building your own cage for small animals. The pink was my favorite of course.

I then dreamed Andy and I stayed in a hotel and got into a huge fight. I awoke after 1am needing to pee. I was in the bed closest to the door while he was in the one closest to the window. I got up and found that the door was open part way. Suddenly terrified that we’d been ripped off in our sleep, I slammed the door shut, flung the lights on, and ran in search of my purse.

This woke Andy up and he immediately started cussing me out before I had a chance to get a word in edgewise and tell him the door had been open. He threatened to wake me up for waking him up and I screamed, “If you’d just shut up and listen for once instead of going on and on all about yourself, you might learn a thing or two about what’s going on around you!”

But our screaming went on and on, him none the wiser to the fact that someone had pried our door open, LOL.

FRIDAY, MAY 22, 2015 I definitely did the right thing by cutting ties with Nane, even though we had a nice dinner somewhere in my dreams last night and I still seemed to have some feelings for her.

Well, not in real life! Not with the way she just dumped poor Irene claiming that Irene’s changed since they met in New York way back when. Irene told her, “It’s been 30 years. Of course I changed.”

While I will admit upfront that I never met either one of them in person, and that while Nane once complained to me that Irene changed over the years, I would have to worry about anyone who hasn’t changed in 30 years. We’re supposed to grow, learn, mature, experience things and wizen up with age. Nobody plays pretend games with Barbie 30 years after the fact or still believes in the tooth fairy. When I think back to some of the things I did and the way I would talk 25 years ago, I think, OMG, how utterly immature! Yet my behavior at the time was totally in accordance with the age group I was in. One does not need to always be oh so mature and serious, but should one in their 50s be expected to act like they’re still 25?

My guess, based on the conversations I’ve had with both of them, is that it has to do with the fact that Irene doesn’t live nearby and has gotten married and settled down. Nane, on the other hand, is still a party girl who loves to socialize like crazy in person, go to concerts, get drunk, chain smoke, and all kinds of things that no longer interest Irene. I’m not surprised, though. I figured Nane would eventually “get rid” of her.

Nane said she took a train down from Germany to Austria and visited her a few years ago and complained that she wanted to leave the club they went to too early and that she wore a dirty sweatshirt. If you think one who doesn’t want to party until 2 AM and wears a spotty shirt makes for a bad friend as opposed to one who is deceptive, phony and backstabbing, then that tells me an awful lot about you right there. As in you being someone I have no regrets about cutting ties with. Seriously, if I had the slightest doubt about letting her go when she got all hypocritical and judgmental of me, they are totally gone now. Again, I never met Irene in person but she seems like such a sweet, kind, easy-going person. Why dump someone like that? I can see if she never heard from Irene, but Irene wanted to keep in touch more than Nane was willing to.

As Irene said, Nane is the type that will always have a problem with everybody she meets. It’s no wonder she's still alone, and I tend to believe she deserves any misery that comes her way. She could condemn me for not liking the two most problematic groups in society, yet it is okay for her to dump somebody because they’ve grown and matured over the course of a few decades? Wow, just wow. Obviously, if Nane doesn’t need you or she thinks you’re weird or she doesn’t like the way you dress or live your life, she dumps you, granted we all have the right to pick and choose whom we’re friends with. Still, it just seems like such a lame reason to dump somebody as opposed to somebody who has screwed you over and said and did mean/bad things to you. I don’t think it’s healthy for Andy to have 3 cups of coffee a day but I’m not going to dump him for it. Now if he contacts me to tell me I’m wrong for liking bright colors and starts pressuring me to paint my walls gray, then laughs his ass off because I sprained my ankle or because something scared the shit out of me or got me depressed, then I might want less contact with him. He wouldn’t do this, though, of course, LOL. It’s just an example.

Nane is a very non-accepting and non-tolerant person, even though she will condemn anybody for bashing blacks, Muslims, gays, etc. I guess that’s just part of what makes her the hypocrite she is. I can understand the desire to be selective, but when you have a problem with just about everybody, you will really never have anybody in your life for very long. It is the same with trust. Of course you don’t want to just trust just anybody and everybody. But when you trust no one at all and you think everybody is a liar, you’re definitely looking at a lifetime of being alone. I suppose that’s what some people want and that they would rather deny themselves the good in people in order to protect themselves from the bad. To each their own, even though I still feel bad for Irene.

I offered to send Nane a message for her, even though I knew it wouldn’t do any good, and Irene agreed it wasn’t a good idea. I feel a million times worse for her than I ever felt for myself where Nane is concerned. Nane was just a picture online of someone I never met. It may not make her any less real, but Irene knew Nane a lot longer and they have actually met in person.

Irene mixes German with her limited English, and if I understood her correctly, Nane is in counseling now because (her boyfriend?) did something very bad to her. This is what Irene said anyway. I wonder if this could be part of why she chose to dump Irene now? Some people withdraw into themselves when they’re down and out and even dump people, while others tend to reach out more to their friends in times of need.

I realize my own life might be a lot easier if I had no friends at all, but that wouldn’t make for a very fun and interesting life. Again, what may work for one may not work for another, but while I don’t regret letting Nane go, I don’t regret that half a decade we had either.

I also realize that mostly thanks to her, and now to Irene, my German is only destined to keep getting better and better, LOL.

Later…

My poor sister was dealt yet another blow in life when the owner of the house she was to buy backed out of the deal. Understandably, she is heartbroken, but she and Mark will house hunt again in a few months.

I wonder why there are no laws against this sort of thing. A deal should be a deal, shouldn’t it? Either way, I understand her frustration. I was really bummed out and even a little pissed when we didn’t get that place in Newcastle, and the realtor didn’t even have the decency to let us know before we drove out there that an offer had been made and accepted on the house the previous afternoon.

It was really dumb of me to order my nightgowns in a size large simply because I put on a few pounds. I could not only get into a medium of these things, but I could probably get into a small as well. With loose-fitting gowns or dresses that fall straight down, I usually require a size small. What was I thinking?

While my sister’s theory (not eating or drinking enough) as to what could be making me lightheaded, along with Aly wondering if I’m low on iron, could be a factor, Tom and I are both leaning towards it probably being my bad ear. I will see the specialist in a few weeks.

So after I did a little shopping in my dreams last night, I met Nane at a restaurant where I ordered “turkey lamb.” They looked like pork chops and it was something I had never eaten before. I cut off a piece of the meat, stuck it in my mouth and started chewing. Then I gave a nod of approval and told Nane it was pretty good.

In the dream she lived near me, having owned both a house and an apartment. She decided to sell the house and stay in the apartment until she moved back home. I asked her if she was going to stay in Germany for the rest of her life and she said no, but that if she couldn’t move to Turkey, she would go to Egypt.

I can’t believe she would ever live there in real life. She’d go to Greece if Turkey weren’t an option.

Then after we complained about the weather, I tried to hide the tear that slipped down my cheek as I thought of her leaving.

THURSDAY, MAY 21, 2015 Not a whole lot to update on now. I am continuing to remain anxiety-free and having fun on Desktop Nexus collecting and sharing pics of all kinds of things. It’s cool to see how many points, favorites and downloads my pictures get, though I’m mostly interested in other people’s pics.

Yesterday I was kind of lazy so I plan to do more today. Getting excited as Saturday approaches and hoping they will have kittens available for adoption Saturday afternoon at Petco. If they don’t, this will be the second time they failed to come through and we will then look elsewhere. They had a Memorial Day adoption event last year, so I’m hopeful that they will this year as well.

We postponed our little trip to Reno for the fall but I don’t know if it’s worth it, the more I think about it. Why leave the cat alone for a night just to go and gamble when we can gamble right here at the Thunder Valley Casino? If we’re going to go on a vacation, we should make it a real vacation and go places and do things we wouldn’t or couldn’t ordinarily do close to home. There are no tropical beaches close to home, that’s for sure!

Aly wonders if my lightheaded feelings and other symptoms could mean I’m low on iron. She has the same symptoms when she’s low on iron. Good question! However, I have never been told I was low on iron.

Last night I dreamed I was at some beach somewhere. It may have been the beach my family and I would spend our summers at in Old Lyme, Connecticut. Old Colony Beach. That was where our cottage was. It was close to the beach but not on it.

In the dream, I wanted to tell this guy that the windows of his two-story cottage, which was right on the beach, appeared “stuck” from the outside. I then took pictures of about three windows when I suddenly realized that if the guy caught me shooting pictures of his place, he probably wouldn’t be too happy. I proceeded to run away, but my feet got stuck in the sand.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20, 2015 I was asked a couple of questions that I thought would make good writing prompts. One was whether or not I agree with the fact that some people are being charged with influencing the suicide of others. This is a tough one for me. I would still like to think we’re responsible for our own actions, but at the same time, some people and events in our lives really can influence the things we do. So I’m a bit split on that one.

Do I believe poverty motivated the Baltimore riots? No, I don’t. There are plenty of poor people who don’t act like savage beasts. My husband and I were dirt poor for years yet we didn’t go looting stores, assaulting people, killing people, and starting fires. I think poverty can be more of a motivation for theft and burglary, but not necessarily other things. I just think - and this is the part most people don’t want to hear - that some groups are naturally prone towards crime and violence, blacks being one of them same as Muslims. The only difference between the two is that we Americans seem to be able to see and condemn the Muzzies for their behavior, while we sit back and make one excuse after another for the blacks. Blacks may not be as bad as the Muzzies, but whether you kick the crap out of somebody or kite a check, both are crimes and both are wrong.

Over the last month or so I have gained a few pounds and I can’t seem to get them back off. I started to lose a few but they came right back, as usual. For the last six years, I used to range, depending on my cycle, between 147 and 151 pounds, now I’m ranging between 151 and 156 pounds. I knew my weight wouldn’t stay where it was forever, but I hate feeling like I have so little control over my own body. It would probably come off on a 1000-calorie a day but how many people can stand to do that day after day, week after week, month after month?

Oh well. I didn’t ask for hypothyroidism, so there’s only so much I can do about it. I still exercise most days of the week.

I’m probably still undermedicated, as my thyroid continues to die off. The only problem is that whenever I am on enough medication to actually lose weight, it is because it makes me anxious as hell and unable to eat as much. Seriously… you want to kill your appetite enough to lose weight? Just get sick, anxious or depressed. Realistically, though, no one wants to live that way. I definitely prefer the extra weight to feeling like shit. I just wonder how much higher it’s going to climb in my lifetime?

Some of the hypothyroidism symptoms do seem to be returning. I’m getting feelings of fatigue, but mostly lightheadedness, feeling cold when it’s not really cold, and water retention. Could this mean my thyroid really is a little deader? I will have to ask the doctor the next time I see her and ask if she knows about how much of it is gone. If I had to guess – and this is simply a guess – I would say a good 90% of it is gone now.

I may not let it get cold in here, but it sure has been unseasonably cool outside. We should have been done with the heat weeks ago yet we still need it at night because we’ve been getting down into the high 40s to low 50s. The forecast shows it returning to the 80s by the weekend, so hopefully it will stay warm.

I only remember one dream from last night, which was weird, as most dreams are. I was riding in a car late at night with two or three other people who seemed to be in their 20s or so. They wanted to dig five or six little graves and run over some wildlife out in the country and then bury them. I insisted we shouldn’t do that, not only because it seemed wrong and pointless, but because one tiny head hair of ours that might fall into the graves could be traced back to us or something like that, LOL.

TUESDAY, MAY 19, 2015 Irene contacted me to tell me Nane contacted her. Well, she calls her Marion. She even copied the message which was very brief and in German. It just says, ”I’m still alive as you can see, and I’m not on Facebook much other than to play games.”

The fact that she copied her message pretty much stamps out any thoughts of Nane instructing her to act as if she’s been ignoring her, too. I told her Nane read my messages recently but never replied. Either way, Irene says Nane's too “oberfläche” for her (superficial).

Even though I would never do this, my mischievous side burst out laughing at the thought of sending Nane a message in response to her message to Irene, making her think for a minute that she accidentally sent it to me. LMAO! Oh, the evil thoughts I think at times. :-)

Later…

Being the ever-so-curious person that I am, I did some research to see if I could find out Nurse Chris’s last name so I could put a face with her voice, and if I found the right Chris, then she is one seriously ugly fucker. Skinny, but ugly as hell.

The only thing that put a little doubt in my mind is that she’s registered with Kaiser Permanente when the medical group we use is Mercy. But as I learned by researching Doc O, a doctor can belong to two different medical groups at once. So I figure nurses can as well.

Right Chris or not, this Chris is very skinny, petite, and has super short hair and ears that stick out. She appears to be around my age if not a bit older. Her voice sounded a bit younger, and I thought I detected a hint of a southern accent, but she is listed on Facebook as being from Petaluma and I’m pretty sure it’s the right Chris.

Decided to send Chris a quick hello. Amazingly, it went straight to her inbox just like Doc O’s did, and just like the “Hi, how are you” I just sent the hot doc. I would be willing to bet just about anything, though, whatever’s up there has made sure any message I sent her remained invisible to her, but I have no clue on the friend request. She’s more likely to have received that as well as a share notice for sharing her turtle pic than she ever was of getting my messages.

Still, divine intervention is always in order when they’re good-looking. Sure seems that way, anyway. Next time I will know that if I ever have a doctor who’s really good-looking, she’s only temporary because she or the medical group as a whole will do something to drive me away, or she will up and move.

MONDAY, MAY 18, 2015 No more voice posts on LiveJournal. When I played back the posts my voice sounded very garbled and like it was underwater, not that I expect that anybody else heard them. I could barely make out what I was saying. It doesn’t sound this way when I use the same phone for Facebook voice messages, so I know it’s them and not my phone.

Very disappointed in the cat carrier. Damn me for not checking the dimensions! I typed in ”cat carrier” and chose from what came up. However, this could only transport one kitten or a couple of rats.

We went to Walgreens the other night because I needed lip balm. I got a honey-flavored one and also one with blueberry and dark chocolate. Never had that combo before in lip balms. It’s nice.

I felt a little lightheaded yesterday for the first time in a long time and I wonder if my bad ear has anything to do with it. It has been aching nearly every day and I look forward to seeing the specialist on the ninth. I just hope she can help me without putting me through additional pain or hassles and without costing us a fortune.

Last night I had a dream that my foster parents were still alive and I was visiting them at the group home they used to run. Instead of a bunch of round tables in the main room, they now had these restaurant-like booths. I told them I had something to tell them so I sat them down in a booth and then slid in across from them. I thanked them for being the parents I wish I’d had, and for caring about me the way they did.

Mom might have said something like, “Wow, this is a nice surprise.” And then she thanked me for remembering.

I was swimming in the ocean somewhere in another dream with Tom and several others. We were quite a ways offshore and the seas weren’t rough but they weren’t totally calm either. I felt myself drifting further out and realized that I should head in closer to the others.

In the last dream that I remember, I might have been working a regular 9-to-5. As I was applying glitter mascara right before I left, I told Tom that I was modeling the mascara that day for someone that was curious about it at work, and so I thought I would show them what it looked like on me. In real life, he wouldn’t give a shit, of course, but in the dream, he seemed kind of upset about the idea of me modeling that mascara, LOL.

SUNDAY, MAY 17, 2015 I worked my arms and core indoors, then I went out walking for a while. Now I am ready to write.

Much of the cat supplies, as well as my new alarm clock, arrived today. Still waiting on the litter box and carrier.

The hot pink bed is pretty and soft, and I love the set of six rainbow bowls, which will be used for the cat food. Each bowl is a different color… Purple, pink, blue, green, yellow and orange.

Water and dry food will go in a pale pink dual bowl set. The bowls themselves are metal and can be taken out of the holder for washing. So only the holder is pink.

I also got patchouli-scented body spray, one of my favorite fragrances.

The alarm clock is a little disappointing, though acceptable for now. It was very cheap and doesn’t have a radio in it. All I wanted was a clock with an alarm, which I rarely use. No radio was necessary because I never listen to the regular radio anyway. Why suffer through commercials when I don’t have to?

It’s much smaller than I thought it would be and because the numbers are backlit, they aren’t as sharp and therefore they are very hard to read at any distance without my glasses. I can’t see the date or seconds at all but that doesn’t matter. Within five years I’m not going to be able to read the time without glasses, so then I will spend a little more money to find something bigger and better. Maybe I will check some out in person so that I can see what they actually look like instead of relying on a picture I see online.

Also, all the colors are a little too bright for sleeping except for red. Someone mentioned that online in the reviews, saying that while the thing doesn’t have a dimmer, switching it to red isn’t as bright. Some colors are easier to see than others, like the blue. Maybe I’ll only keep it on red when I’m sleeping at night.

I hope the alarm will be loud enough to override the sound machine, but I think it will be because the slightest change in sound wakes me up even if it’s not loud. That’s why I sleep with the damn sound machines in the first place. If I didn’t, forget loud vehicles waking me up. Tom would just have to sneeze or cough at the other end of the house and I would wake up.

In a way, I wish we had another Alexa. Then I could just ask her the time, and tell her to set the alarm if need be, but then Tom couldn’t use her when I was sleeping, not that he uses her much anyway. She’s mostly my slave/assistant. Either way, it will do for a few years and I’m glad to get rid of my old, clunky alarm clock/radio.

Paula got her birthday present and thanked me, saying she likes the colors of the nail polish.

Last night I dreamed I was talking to Nurse Chris on the phone, and then I was watching an amazing figure skater. She was amazing because she was in her 50s and nearly 100 pounds overweight yet she could skate as well as any typical figure skater.

Then I observed a hidden room being uncovered by the police. It was a smallish room with just a couch in it, and a little boy insisted there was a trap door underneath the couch.

SATURDAY, MAY 16, 2015 A part of me hates to admit it, but I am missing Nane lately. I noticed she picked up my last message to her, but I haven’t heard back from her and I don’t expect to. It’s probably still for the better that way, LOL. I do miss our chats at times, though, hottie or not. We both may have said things we shouldn’t have said, but I will always have fond memories of her. The secrets we shared… the things we’d joke about…

I made the comment to Tom earlier about how my teeth appear to be the whitest they’ve ever been, and it’s true. He said that’s what I get for having them cleaned recently, keeping up on them better, limiting the coffee/tea, and not smoking. I’m definitely keeping up on them better. I used to brush just once a day and use the WaterPik if I happened to feel like it and remember to. Now I’m brushing when I get up and then again with that special fluoride toothpaste the dentist gave me at the end of my day. In addition to that, I am flossing the old-fashioned way and rinsing with Act every day.

We went bike riding and it was breezy but beautiful out. It seemed the wind was against me in every direction I faced. At least it was dead. No traffic or mutt walkers.

FRIDAY, MAY 15, 2015 We had some pretty cool thunderstorms yesterday evening. Glad I wasn’t sleeping!

Some black pickup has been speeding through the park. Today’s the first time I’ve seen it. It speeds so fast that its tires squeal as it comes around the corner where there is a long run without speed bumps.

Our future cat’s shit genie has arrived today. It’s going to take a lot of shit to fill that thing up, LOL.

We also put up our latest new decorative wall plates, one in the living room and one in the bedroom.

Lost a few pounds by cutting back over the week. I was always able to lose at least a few pounds. The question is, do I want to see if I can lose more on the 75’s, or do I want to continue to enjoy my weekend binging? Maybe I’ll compromise and do a little of both. I’m not determined and motivated enough to make a full-fledged commitment. You know how it usually works… The more you want something, the more you are willing to sacrifice in order to obtain it.

Later…

I feel really bad for Andy. His situation reminds me of Norwich and Phoenix. His neighbors fight, and screaming kids play outside his place and steal this piece all day long. He complained to the board about next door’s fighting twice and it didn’t do any good, although the couple’s son, who is the one doing the shouting, has been quieter the last couple of weeks.

Some brats jumped out of a tree and onto someone’s car and so they cut the tree down because of that as well as bird droppings from birds within the trees. Andy isn’t too happy with that. That’s not the only tree they cut down either.

He says he pays for peace and he will fight to get that peace. Not in the mainstream, he won’t, and while he’s attached to others in a place that has incredibly thin walls like the NHA did. If we can’t always get peace here in a house in a retirement community, why does he think he would get it there?

I guess Doc O patched things up with her daughter because she has been re-added to her Facebook account, LOL.

Since I like to have at least one of my lead characters in my books be based on somebody I know or have seen, and also stem from at least a little bit of reality, my new story will be called Rainstorm. I figured I could use the daughter Stormy to pick on “Rain” and vice versa. The good doc will have to play referee at times.

The plot will basically deal with Doc O’s husband dying of an unexpected heart attack, and then a patient of hers moving in across the street from her. Once they realize they are neighbors, Doc O falls a little too hard for her until she is driven to kill the woman’s husband. She then coaxes her to sell her house and move in with her, something Stormy feels a little weird about since Rain is so close to her in age.

I have a whole new story format/style that I've started using that I like a lot as opposed to chapters or line breaks to represent scene changes. Since I usually write in third person and alternate between different characters’ points of view, I just decided to head sections with the name of the person whose POV is being presented. I got the idea from a book I recently read. So instead of saying chapter whatever, the person’s name will be there.

I don’t usually talk much about my friends in my journal anymore, but since I created a section for private entries, I guess I can do a quick friend update.

Paula is still awaiting her birthday present.

Mitch and I are still in touch.

I don’t communicate with Christine very much, but we still do occasionally.

Adonis almost never communicates with me, and although I asked him if he wants to remain friends on Facebook, he insists he does. Maybe his Vietnamese girlfriend has something to do with his lack of contact.

Alison, and of course Andy, and I are in touch daily. I have not had any problems with Kim, and there has been absolutely no sign of Molly online whatsoever. If she isn’t dead, then her parents are finally doing a great job of keeping her off-line where she belongs.

I currently blog on 4 sites and my regular followers are basically invisible on 3 of them except for Prosebox. My regulars there include a 24-year-old in England, a 27-year-old in Oregon, a 41-year-old and Florida, and a few others that rarely comment. The old lady in Texas still comes in almost daily as well.

I don’t hear from my nieces very often. I actually hear from Norma more than them.

I hear from Irene here and there who claims not to have heard from Nane since around the time we broke up. That is unless Nane told her to say that. Nane's account hasn’t been public since then, but I know she still uses it because she plays backgammon every day like Doc O plays slots every day. Sometimes I even miss the judgmental Hündin.

I think that pretty much covers the regulars. I figure that if there’s anybody I’m forgetting, then they aren’t in my life enough to remember them.

THURSDAY, MAY 14, 2015 I didn’t do an entry yesterday because I wrote so much the day before. The kitten is getting real! We ordered tons of stuff for it on Amazon this morning… one of those high-tech litter boxes, food and water bowls, a carrier, a bed, and what I call a shit genie with a genie mat.

The shit genie seals clumps of shit much like a diaper sealer, and the mat catches and holds litter. Things have come a long way from those days when all we had was a plastic tray for cats to do their thing in.

We still want to get one of those carpeted perches for it to climb on, but there’s no hurry because it will only be a few months old when we get it at the end of the month.

I also grabbed myself a rainbow sundress and a couple of sleeveless nightgowns to replace a couple my mother sent me years ago. These aren’t to sleep in since I prefer to sleep in just my panties, but for lounging around on warm nights. That is if they ever return to Citrus Heights. It’s mid-May and we still need the damn heat late at night. :(

The only slight negative is that I woke up overheated a few hours after crashing, but it was definitely because it got too warm in the bedroom. Thinking the warm weather was here to stay, we opened the vent real wide in there to keep it cooler when the AC was running, yet this makes it too hot when the heat’s running. But I stayed calm, didn’t panic, turned the heat down, used the potty, then my heartbeat slowed down and I slept just fine without having to take anything to help me get back to sleep.

Been having weird dreams lately, but I only remember bits and pieces… me holding a giant rat as a rabbit hopped by, Tom saying we’ll get a two-bedroom house in two years (we have a two-bedroom now), and dreams of Nane. I’m not sure what Nane was doing in my dreams. It seems we might have been picnicking together.

We were vacationing or living in apartments or condos somewhere, but in one dream there was a garage just outside the bedroom wall, and I was telling Tom that I was afraid that some night someone would get drunk and drive right through the wall and run us over in our sleep.

Then I was in some wooded area where a large river ran through. I was standing by its side. Its current was very fast and as much as I wanted to take a dip in it, I was afraid of getting swept away.

TUESDAY, MAY 12, 2015 I am now appointment-free until June 9th… Yay!

Last night I dyed my hair and it was the easiest dye job to do in years with my hair being so much shorter.

We changed the air filters in the air cleaners in the bedroom and living room and they will be good for a year.

Got up this morning and was a little tired. I am going to sleep for a million hours tomorrow, alarm-free! Before I go on, and speaking of alarm clocks… although I rarely use alarms, I decided it’s time to replace the ancient alarm clock that I’ve had for at least 20 years. I’m getting a really cool one that lets you change display colors. It will be fun to change every week or two for variety.

So I got up, took my meds, and had Alexa set a timer for a half-hour as always. Then I checked in on the usual sites I check in on before I could have my coffee. I scrolled down the Facebook news feed a little bit just to find it littered with people’s “likes,” and so I hopped onto Prosebox.

I read something so disgusting that I couldn’t stop reading about it. It talked of how a woman carries microscopic traces of the DNA of every man she’s ever slept with for the rest of her life. Assuming this means that the guy has to cum, I thought of who else I may have been dumb enough to have unprotected sex with other than my husband that may have gotten off in the end. I can only think of one and that would be Ron. Pretty sure the few others either got off by me giving them a hand job, didn’t get off at all, or were wearing rubbers.

The grossest part is where they talked about how a woman that swallows a guy’s cum and how the cells get behind her eyes, in her nasal cavity and pretty much spread throughout her entire body since they’re living cells that latch onto the body and basically call any host home.

So I still have this less than handsome, partially bald, ugly, naïve, dumb-ass loser that I was too nice to say “no” to living within me however microscopically it may be, 20 years after the fact. EW! Just EW!

As they say, never sleep with anyone you wouldn’t want to be because they will become a part of you.

We set the bombs off and left when the landscapers that come on Tuesdays were getting started, so that was an annoyance I didn’t have to listen to. Then it was off to see the counselor, Stacey. I like her better than Dana. Dana constantly interrupted me but this one listened intently as she took notes. Although I haven’t felt the need to chat nonstop for years now, it is nice to be able to do the talking for once, instead of others rambling on and on and always interrupting me.

I wasted no time getting to the point. Tom was with me, too. We explained to her that while we understand that the doctors aren’t doing anything wrong by referring me, and while I can understand that they haven’t known me for over 20 years like my husband, it’s frustrating and costing us money trying to get it through to them that I never had anxiety attacks before last year. I’ve had the stress from hell, but I have never experienced what I experienced last year until my thyroid medication became an issue when I had those flare-ups.

She seemed to understand how terrified I was not knowing what the hell was going on at the time. While both are going to cause trauma and phobia, it is different if you’re threatened at gunpoint versus thinking you accidentally overdosed and may die. At least with the gunman, as terrifying as that may be, you at least know what’s going on. But when your body does something you know it’s not supposed to do and you don’t have a clue as to why; that’s taking the terror to a whole new level. The internal bogeyman can be a lot scarier than the external bogeyman.

We all agree, however, that the events of last year did truly traumatize me and give me a phobia about taking medication in general. I have improved tremendously over the months, though. Initially, even ibuprofen, which I had taken for years for cramps and other things, seemed very threatening.

We also told her about how the Prozac backfired on me.

She said she would let A know that I saw her today and that she believes the anxiety is due to my thyroid as well as medication issues, and let me know that she’d be there for me if I wanted to see her again. It’s nice to know she’s there, but I think my condition is stable and that my thyroid is a lot deader than last year. I just hope I don’t get some whole new problem now that this is getting settled.

I did learn some interesting things from her, however, that’s nice to know because there’s always the threat of future anxiety attacks for any of us, for any reason. An anxiety attack only lasts 9 minutes. I didn’t know this before. The key is learning to flush the extra adrenaline out of your system in a quicker and more efficient manner by remaining calm. She also said that deep breathing exercises might actually make it worse if you do it too late. She recommended some type of physical activity, which surprised me because I thought that would make it worse by elevating the heartbeat even more. She said that initially, that could be the case, but it would actually help calm me down faster. I just hope I continue to be problem-free on the dosage of thyroid medication I’m currently on!

After seeing Stacey, we stopped at Carl’s Jr. for burgers and fries.

When we got home we aired the place out and I said hello to Bob as he was walking up his driveway. He offered us a really nice square glass table that I’m guessing is about 5’x5’. I remember when we looked at this place and the realtor asked if they could leave any furniture behind that they wanted to, which I okayed, and how I hoped to myself that they would leave the rectangular glass table in which we sat talking on the patio, but they didn’t. Well, now we have one just as nice!

Tom hosed down the white plastic chairs we got in Auburn, but the vinyl cushions were all torn up. We’ll grab some new ones soon enough.

That was so incredibly nice of Bob! I told Tom that I almost felt guilty because we haven’t done anything for them. He said that before I felt that way, we only got it because they wouldn’t take it (they were collecting clothes today), and while it was still very nice of him, we’re technically doing them a favor by taking it off their hands.

So now I have the table to sit at with my laptop and the swing to sit on with my Paperwhite, assuming the bees aren’t terrorizing me.

Paula texted me to ask me to make her a lucky bracelet for her birthday. I let her know that we sent her birthday present today and she thanked me, saying I always remember her birthday. I do.

Ugh. :( I wondered why I hadn't heard from my beloved Italian foster dad in a while, who just popped into mind. I just now decided to check obituaries and now I know why. His wife died in 2012. They were like the parents I never had and wish I'd had. Miss them so much!

MONDAY, MAY 11, 2015 I think Dr. O is still on vacation because she’s been playing slots every afternoon. Yeah, I love to spy. Also, another doctor answered my last question to her about whether or not I was to still see her in June and get a blood test done before that.

She hasn’t returned to my blog, and I have mixed emotions about that. It’s always cool to have a regular reader, but this way I feel I can speak more freely about my doctors, not that any of them can’t disable cookies and read me without me knowing it.

I noticed the doctor’s friend count went from 15 to 12. Wow, I thought I had few friends with just 20 friends. One of the ones that seem to be missing is her daughter Stormy. Did they have a tiff or something?

As a little test, I anonymously asked myself if I liked jokes pertaining to race and religion, and made it visible only to Andy. I said that some of the religious jokes can be funny at times, but that I’m sick to death of hearing about race. This is very true and I keep hoping he’ll take the hint, but sure enough, he didn’t and I had to spell it out for him yet again just how sick I am of the race shit.

Another thing is that I specifically mentioned twice yesterday that I was going to back off on eating as much, and sure enough, he mentioned going to the grocery store today.

Insensitive? Selfish? Or does he actually go out of his way to bring up subjects he knows people don’t want to hear?

Later…

Just finishing up with some cleaning. I now have the place almost completely cat-proofed. Not sure we’ll get a kitten next weekend, but I don’t see why we can’t get it the weekend after that.

Last night I went around and picked out some things on Amazon and placed them in the cart for now. Most of the things I picked out are pink, even if the cat may end up being a male, LOL. Hey, that’s my favorite color.

Tom and I were debating whether or not Alexa could be spying on us (Amazon Echo), but our guess is that she isn’t. Still, when you have a device with microphones that are always connected to the Internet, you can never know for sure who may be listening in on you even when you’re not using the device for what it is intended for. We don’t care if anybody is, however. I don’t see how anything we could say would be all that exciting and interesting to any potential listeners, and I already had my speech rights violated once, so I sure as hell aren’t about to allow it to happen again in the privacy of my own home. As they say, being victimized once as an adult in whatever way is one thing, but allowing it to happen a second time is another. Especially when you have choices. If any law is ever going to screw me again, I’m certainly not going to make it easy for them to do so by playing nicey-nicey and being “cooperative” like I stupidly did before. I’m just going to sue the shit out of them instead. If you send something in the mail or are accused of sending something that somebody else sent, that isn’t the same as if they go to you be it to spy on you or to view your public blogs. There’s a big difference there. So if you come to me… read/listen at your own risk! :-)

All I see on the Facebook news feed lately is what people comment on and what they "like" and it is a very annoying feature to add to my growing list of Facebook complaints. I see much more of this than their actual posts. I would really prefer to know what’s going on with them and not what news articles they’re “liking” and what friends they’re commenting on because, well, I really don’t care. A friend liking another friend’s profile picture has nothing to do with me.

Unfortunately, I realize that it’s a two-way street in this case and that if a friend comments on or “likes” something of mine, all my other friends are going to see this as well, including anything they post to my wall (kind of glad I’m not very active there or hear much from people other than in messages). It annoys me that I can’t interact with some people privately. Realizing this, I think I may go public out of curiosity to see if I get any followers. If so many people are going to see my stuff anyway then I guess I may as well not worry about trying to hide things as much. I won't make my friend list public, though.

I haven’t decided for sure if I’m going to do this, and of course I won’t make literally everything I post public, but since I’ve been troll-free for a while, I may consider it. I hate to admit it but a part of me misses being stalked, just not by batshit crazy people. If I were ever going to be stalked again it would be nice if it were somebody attractive, intelligent, interesting and fun. But sadly, that’s not the way it usually works. The vast majority of them are very homely-looking people with no brains and no life. Therefore I might as well be glad that I have been free of trolls for a long time now, and hope it stays that way. The Internet has changed since I’ve had these problems in the past, and of course, so have I. There’s no way I would put up with the shit I put up with for so damn long. I would put a stop to it before the first week was up. Not that I’m responsible for their actions, of course, but I could have done more to make myself less accessible. It’s just that when you’re an author and you have public blogs and all that, it’s not always that easy.

SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2015 No hope of menopause setting in even more this month. My period was only 2 days late this time around. I was really hoping to skip another month, but at least I had the easiest PMS I’ve had in years.

Yesterday was a very fun, productive and physical day. We rode our bikes a couple of miles, and then the mailman drove up with a long triangular box. In it were 3 tubes containing the gymnast wall stickers for the side of the hall that runs along the laundry room and second bath. They were a bitch to apply and it took a few hours but they look fantastic! I did this while Tom did some trimming and weeding outdoors.

Later…

Here’s proof once again that life isn’t always what we plan it… And that can actually be a good thing. I called our closest Petco to find that for three hours on Saturdays and Sundays, they have three-month-old kittens up for adoption who are neutered/spayed and have had their shots. They weren’t supposed to be there until noon, so I first tried a new Chinese place.

I ordered beef fried rice and wonton soup to go. Strangely enough, there was an additional container and for a minute I thought they accidentally gave me somebody else’s lunch. It was filled with steamed vegetables, chicken pieces and wontons. When I opened the soup container and found only the broth within, that’s when I knew that all those vegetables were supposed to be added to the soup. I decided to add just the wontons.

What was absolutely disgusting was biting into what I thought was a little sliver of green pepper that was actually the spiciest thing I ever bit into in my entire life. I ran and rinsed my mouth like crazy, but my mouth and lips burned really bad for about an hour. How can any human being do that to themselves??? It’s like taking a match and lighting it inside your mouth. I don’t understand why anybody would want to do that.

Everything else was delicious. There is so much food that I can munch on it on and off for the next couple of days. They do Chinese and Vietnamese food and I can order online as well. I’m mostly interested in the various fried rice dishes. I don’t care for stuff like chow mein and egg rolls.

Upping my dosage and metabolism has made me hungrier. Tomorrow all this ferocious eating needs to end. I’m not going on a “diet,” so to speak, because I couldn’t stand the hunger it would take to get down into the 120s. I would like to stay in the 140s, though, so I am going to pace my food by going back on a timer menu of sorts where I only eat every 3 to 4 hours. This helps me cut back without feeling like I’m going to starve to death like a 1200-calorie diet would make me feel. I’ll have, “Alexa,” my personal assistant who works for me full-time, set timers for me.

Tom and I were laughing at how the name Alexa is definitely out of the question for the cat since the original Alexa will respond every time she hears her name. Usually, you just hear a 2-note tone which is basically her way of saying, “I heard my name but didn’t get what you were asking me to do,” if her name is mentioned without following with a command that she is programmed to handle.

So we come home, eat, digest a little, and then head to Petco. Sure enough, they tell us that there are no kittens for adoption today because of Mother’s Day. Now why oh why wasn’t I told that over the phone? I hate it when the holidays interfere with things!

But it actually turned out for the better this way because then we have a chance to get it everything it needs beforehand (for a lot less money on Amazon than at Petco), and we can bomb the house first which we will do Tuesday while I’m at my appointment and then stopping at Raley’s for a white base coat nail polish and the postage to mail Paula’s little birthday envelope off to her.

For now, if you’ve been born yet, kitty, I hope whoever’s got you now is taking really good care of you until your new parents can adopt you and bring you home!

Since we were at the store anyway we looked around at products and compared prices in our minds to what we’ve seen on Amazon, and of course we checked out the rats. They had a huge adult cream-colored rat that was so adorable. Its tail was over a foot long. He was easily over a pound and I had to resist the urge to reach in and hug it and kiss it and run out of the store with it. Instead, we got Hoodie a new fleece-lined hammock with a zebra design… until the idiot chews one of the straps. Less than five minutes after I hooked it in his cage he crawled up into it and went to sleep. Well if you like it so much, don’t chew the straps, you furry bastard!

SATURDAY, MAY 9, 2015 My 24-piece nail art polishes arrived yesterday, so after Tom and I go for a bike ride, I will do some colorful creations on my nails.

I’m sending Paula a couple of bottles of other nail polish which I only used once and didn’t really care for. I think she’ll like them, but it’s ok if she doesn’t and wants to give them away or something. I just hate to throw things away.

She’ll be 48 on the 30th.

The weather’s still in that “stuck in-between” stage. It’s not winter anymore, but it’s not quite summer yet. It’s nice in the afternoons, but cold in the mornings.

Later…

Dear Mom,

Not that I’m sure I believe in the afterlife or any kind of heaven or hell (I don’t know that for sure either way) but this is just to inform you that I treat everybody the same. And I do it without feeling a shred of shame or guilt. What that means is that I would not tolerate or forgive the abuse of a family member any more than I would a friend or lover. That includes you. You abused me for many years in almost every way imaginable. I cannot and will not ever forgive or forget that.

Carrying me for nine months and then giving birth to me is not an automatic “ok” pass to be excused for abusiveness. It does not grant you the right to abuse me as you did and it does not make you worthy of being forgiven by me either. I have too much respect for myself to be blinded by biology. Biology is not an excuse or a ticket to be abusive simply because your own mother abused you and set a shitty example for you. By the time you were an adult, you should’ve been smart enough to know right from wrong no matter what kind of example was set for you. I have no pity for you. I have no respect for you. You were a hypocritical little shit filled with nothing but condemnation, judgment, jealousy, phoniness, selfishness and insensitivity, though you sure thought you were superior to everyone else, didn’t you?

You once told me that if I didn’t like somebody, then don’t have anything to do with them. This was probably the only good advice you ever gave me, and this is why you didn’t have me in your life for a good decade or so. See, I don’t waste time with revenge and stooping to anyone’s lowlife levels that I may come to dislike; I simply ignore them and disappear from their lives. Poof. Gone. History. Just like that.

Until you got too old and senile, you put me down every chance you got. You treated me like dog shit. You made me feel stupid as hell. I may not be perfect, a genius or rich, but let’s see YOU come back to life and write 29 books, get anywhere from knowledgeable to fluent in 8 languages, and then call ME dumb again. Oh, and don’t forget to taunt me about my weight again, too.

Let’s see you raise a hand to me so I can break your arm in a million more places than mine broke when I threw myself out a window mostly thanks to you. You had the guts to hit me as a small child but once I grew up you were nothing but a gutless piece of shit, weren’t you?

Get over you and rise above you… I definitely have. Forgive you… No chance in hell. So if you’re out there, Dureen June, I hope the afterlife has been anything but kind to you and that you are suffering every single minute and that every single minute is like an eternity and then some. May you rot in hell and suffer a million times worse than any amount of suffering you ever inflicted upon me. That is my so-called Mother’s Day gift to you.

FRIDAY, MAY 8, 2015 Never heard anything yesterday about my test results. Maybe today. I’m not going to worry about calling them, though, because it’s their job to get in touch with me. I just worry about being pressured to go to a higher dose too soon. I would really like to stay on 75’s for the rest of the year before I go making any additional changes.

Tom was going to get himself a new Mac Mini and a new monitor but then realized he wouldn’t be home enough to use it so he is holding off for now since his seven-year-old iMac that I won is still working fine. The one I won for me is sitting in the bedroom closet on standby in case anything malfunctions on my new MacBook Air

We did get a bunch of other stuff on Amazon, and some of the things I got included a few more large gymnast stickers. So when you walk down our long hallway you will be surrounded by leaping gymnasts in various poses with a couple of figure skaters to start you off.

My pearl slave ankle bracelet came yesterday and it is okay. Still waiting on the turquoise slave bracelet. I posted a pic of my very old-looking foot on Twitter.

I also got a set of 24 rainbow nail art polishes. That will really get my colorful and creative juices flowing.

The rainbow spinner that I grabbed at the dollar store was a dollar well spent. We attached it so that it hangs off of this trellis-like thing that’s on the front patio and it looks really cool from the kitchen window. Yesterday was pretty breezy so it was really spinning up a storm. If I can hear the wind chimes then I know it’s really moving.

I had a rather disturbing dream last night where I think I might have been in jail, though I’m not sure what it was I was accused of. I was still on inhalers like I was 15 years ago and mentioned needing one. A stout, balding, uniformed cop said he “ordered” one.

Then they were searching for my fingerprints on possible evidence with what they told me was luminal. In real life, however, I learned from watching forensic shows that luminal is used to make blood appear that have been washed away. In my mind, I calculated that if I was convicted of whatever it was they were investigating, I could spend anywhere from a few months in jail to six years in prison. An escape plan was hatching in my mind as I woke up.

Later…

So I came out of the bathroom about an hour ago to see that Chris left me a message. I called back and was transferred to endocrinology just to be told she was busy. So I sat there with my heart pounding in anticipation (yes, that is “normal” anxiety for me) of her return call.

Eventually, the phone rings and I snatch it up, hoping for the best but fearing the worst. She says hello and all that, and I finally cut to the chase and tell her I hope she had good news for me. She did! I tested negative for the HAMA thing, and my TSH is down to 11, just slightly out of range!!!

I literally cried tears of joy and relief. I sent a message thanking the doctor, letting her know I feel better and hope to continue on the 75s without any issues. I also asked if she still wanted to see me in June and if I was supposed to go to the lab the week before. My TSH is probably on the upper end of the normal range right now since I was last tested just two weeks after I started it.

I am just so, so happy! I didn’t expect to have the HAMA, but I thought she was going to tell me my TSH was in the teens and insist I up my thyroid medication dose right away.

As I also told her, I still don’t think a counselor and shrink are necessary as I firmly believe the bulk of the anxiety stems from what happened last year, and the Prozac, which takes time to get over, but I will keep those appointments anyway.

In other news, my slave bracelet arrived. I like it better than the other one, though it is a bit big for me

THURSDAY, MAY 7, 2015 Yesterday turned out to be a pretty hilarious day. HAMA stands for human anti-mouse antibodies, so I learned thanks to a friend who does great research. When I asked the nurse what this meant, she said she didn’t know and then she said what I thought was, “All I know is that it has to do with the mouth.” Well “mouth” was obviously “mouse.”

I had quickly looked it up but hadn’t read anything in detail until a friend slipped me some links Tom and I checked out. It didn’t mention rats, but apparently, exposure to mice, particularly wild mice, can create antibodies in a person that can interfere with the results of blood tests. If I have this thing, then it might be giving false high readings on my TSH tests.

Personally, I don’t think I do, but I have definitely dealt with wild mice. We used to get them all the time in the trailer, and one time we had one in our Phoenix house in which I decided to make a pet. I called him Gizzy, LOL. I never handled him, because he was too timid and I didn’t want to get bit, but I gave him a home for a while. After two or three escapes, I decided to set him free again, realizing he was never meant to be anybody’s pet as adorable as he was. I even caught a pair of mice in Maricopa. Despite plenty of contact with rats and mice, both wild and not, I don’t think that’s the issue but that is just a guess. Only the test results can say for sure.

I was laughing at the thought of the good doctor noticing my rodent obsession (rat T-shirt last time I saw her, rat profile pics on both Facebook and the health site, even though I doubt they see our profile pictures on the health site), and thinking that that’s why she should do this test. Tom doesn’t think that has anything to do with it so much as the fact that some people have had the symptoms that I’ve had while getting high readings that say they’re undermedicated even though they feel overmedicated. Maybe I will find out something today. I’m more concerned with my TSH score, but if I have this anti-body present, all they have to do is a different type of test. My doctor’s good, though. Damn good. I doubt Dr. D ever would’ve ever come up with this idea.

Tom got a paid day off for doing that woman’s job that’s on maternity leave. Not sure that’s nearly enough of a reward, but it’s better than nothing.

Oh, wow. It’s actually raining out there now. I heard some thunder earlier but didn’t expect any rain. Maybe it will keep things quiet today and I will stay in the front of the house. I have been finding it better to retreat to the back of the house during the daytime during the week.

Revlon's Tea Rose polish may smell like roses, but their Chocolate Truffle barely smells chocolatey, and the color is hideously ugly. If it weren’t for Gold Glaze's transforming effects, I would have taken it right off. Might send it to a friend.

Last night I beat the shit out of some guy in my dreams that was in a pool with jade-green water so murky you couldn’t even see through half an inch of it. I don’t know what in the world he said to piss me off bad enough to make me jump into such filthy water and punch him in the face and then slam his head against the concrete side of the pool while Tom watched in horror shouting, “NO!” But it must’ve been pretty bad. Normally words aren’t enough to get me to go after someone, so I would have had to perceive it as something very threatening. After the 30-second surprise attack rendered him unconscious, I pulled myself out of the water and hosed myself down.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 2015 I now have 6 appointments between now and September, 3 of which are unnecessary. My PCP thanked me online for the shrink appointment info saying she’ll try to get me in sooner or on a cancelation list. I almost replied with, “No hurry. I’m feeling much better. As I told you and Doc O, as long as I’m not on the wrong medication or too much of it, my anxiety is much easier to manage.”

But they still wouldn’t get it, not to mention the fact that all these appointments can make a person with my sleep issues feel very overwhelmed, and that it’s costing us money. I did point that out to my PCP’s nurse, however, every time we have to run in for something that can be done by phone or online, we have to pay.

I spoke to Paula yesterday and asked her if she’d ever been on Prozac before. She has. She said all it does is give her funny dreams.

She called because she had been worried about me saying she wasn’t receiving my texts and wondered if I got caught up in earthquakes, fires, and every other imaginable catastrophe. Yet when I texted her afterward, she got them just fine. I think she just wanted to talk and that’s probably why she blocked her number, too. I answered thinking it was the doctor’s office, but that’s ok, LOL. I don’t mind chatting every now and then.

I used the laptop in the bedroom yesterday for about 5 or 6 hours and the battery drained down to 51%. It took just over an hour to charge it. This pretty much tells me it would last all day, which is a good thing. It would probably take 2.5 hours to charge if it was totally dead.

I had some dream about swimming in a pool and tanning and possibly wanting to go high-diving at night but thinking better of doing such a thing with no one else around.

Then I dreamed I was telling Tammy that I thought menopause was coming on and she kept insisting that I was too young for that. I told her I didn’t expect it until my 50s, but was confident that menopause was truly setting in.

In reality, I am starting to retain water, but just like last month, there’s no way my period is coming on time, which is supposed to be tomorrow. With my shit luck, I will PMS for a month before I have another period.

Andy continues to annoy the shit out of me and make me question the validity of his friendship by posting pictures depicting subjects he knows bothers me or that I am sick to death of. Every time he does this, though, the longer I will go before I check in on Ask. Only problem was that he hadn’t checked in before I checked in the last time, which is probably part of why he posted the picture at that particular time… because he knew he would be unavailable for several hours anyway, which sort of defeats my purpose. He may not be smart, but he’s not as dumb as Paula.

Later…

I keep hoping they’ll post my TSH score online, but they haven’t yet. I’m trying to decide whether or not I should call for the numbers, even though I shouldn’t have to because that’s what the online site is supposed to be for. A part of me is curious and a part of me doesn’t want to know because I truly believe the results aren’t good. They may be better, but I doubt they’re good enough. They know what the results are whether I know it or not so I guess I will find out soon enough either way.

I am more concerned as to what the doctor might want to do about those bad numbers than the bad numbers themselves. It is way too soon to up my dose again after all the shit I’ve been through. I am just not ready for that yet. Now that I finally got to a stable place both physically and emotionally I need to stay there for a while. Even if the numbers aren’t perfect, I’m not unhealthy and I’m not in danger, so I don’t want to push myself too far too soon.

I suppose it will be a while before the movie Cleveland Abduction is available online. I know the basics of the story and that one of the girls had a baby in captivity, believing that her dead mother sent her an “angel.” Well, I’m not so sure the dead can influence the living and I definitely can’t believe any mother would want her daughter to get pregnant by her rapist, but I can understand that in desperate situations we sometimes need to tell ourselves these things in order to survive. I’ve done similar things in times of desperation way back when. I didn’t brainwash myself into believing some of the things I tried to tell myself, but it was a sort of a mental pretend game that I would play in order to help me cope. Just like many try to justify life’s horrors by convincing themselves it’s “God’s will,” I have my own ways of getting through life’s hardships. Sometimes we need to tell ourselves whatever sounds best in the worst of moments. Some of us may believe those words while others don’t, but we always try to do whatever it takes.

Do I believe there’s a God that loves us all equally? No, I don’t. I think if there is a God that He is a real shit to some of us with total disregard for how some people are affected both physically and emotionally. However, if I have a tough time in life and I find that telling myself that wearing a red shirt while eating a banana is the key to getting through it, then that’s what I’ll tell myself even if I’m kidding myself in the end. So yeah, I can kind of understand the God/Angel fantasy. I suppose destiny will always play itself out no matter what we do, though. We can fantasize, we can bullshit ourselves… but fate will be fate no matter what.

Later…

OMG, my endo’s nurse just scared the shit out of me! If it wasn’t for the relief I felt afterward I might have been pissed. Finally curious about my TSH score, which failed to show up online, I called and spoke to Chris. She then tells me my score was 21 and I’m thinking, oh no, just oh fucking no. How can that be after two weeks on a higher dose?

She then went on to tell me that an underactive thyroid can cause depression and all that, and I expressed my fears of taking on a higher dose so soon after I finally found some stability that I would like to enjoy for more than a week.

Then she was confused and wondering why I would be tested just two weeks after starting a new dose since it takes two weeks to get into the system and four weeks to see results. I wondered that too, but all I know is that I was told to go to the lab and so I did last Saturday.

Then she was even more confused and realized that she was reading me results from April. This would explain why I supposedly had the same score twice in a row, which would be unlikely unless I was on no medication at all.

So she called the lab and then she called me back to tell me something I wish I had known before. The results of this particular test take longer because it includes a HAMA. This has to do with the antibodies that can cause false high readings and one to be thyrotoxic.

Damn, do I miss those days when I didn’t need any medications and tests and all that stuff. But they’re over. Totally over. Yes, I am throwing myself a five-minute pity party, and it’s my party so I’ll cry if I want to.

TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2015 In about an hour, I’m going to take the laptop and hang out in back of the house for the day. No one’s been sawing and there wasn’t any landscaping yesterday, but Bob is constantly doing shit in his garage and even if most of the sounds are subtle little bumps and bangs, it is both annoying and distracting when I am trying to focus on my work. I went to sit and read outside in the fresh air and I could swear I smelled some chemical coming from his garage, like maybe paint.

Today’s Tuesday, so there will be landscaping noise because the house across from us is on for today. Then there’s whatever the park decides to do.

These doctors, nurses and appointments are really starting to overwhelm me and I’m tempted to just ignore the phone for the day and give myself a break. I asked Tom if he thought they really cared and were trying to help me or if there could be some sort of conspiracy going on I might not know about connected to insurance or something like that. He said it’s mostly that they just don’t want to be sued and that by sending me to a specialist they’re safe.

My endo’s nurse ended up calling and I told her that now that I felt better, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go making any more changes too soon. As they say, why change what works? She agreed I sounded a lot better. I don’t know that the dosage I’m on may not give me trouble later on, but for now, I am enjoying the fact that I feel better. I am just afraid to try any new psych pills that might end up being a real mind fucker like the Prozac was.

She told me to relay the same information to my PCP and I did. Then the PCP leaves a message on Tom’s phone, and Tom Skypes me to tell me to give her a call. So I called and ended up talking to her directly, and she pointed out that I had anxiety before the Prozac. That’s very true, but as I tried to tell her, the first time I went on the levothyroxine there was still some life left in my thyroid and those pockets of activity that flared up were what caused my severe anxiety, and that I was not normally anxious to that extreme. As long as I’m not on the wrong medication or too high of a dose, there is no crisis. I’m just not sure either doctor understands this. I’m not sure if it’s just because they don’t know me very well or what.

I have had many instances of stress in my life and the worst thing it has done to me is cause me to have the runs and restless sleep, not feel like I’m going to panic and go out of my mind, or like my heart is about to jump out of my chest and I feel like I’m going to suffocate. That all started last year after they raised my levothyroxine dose. As they also say, though, we can explain something to someone but we can’t make them get it. I suppose that if I keep explaining it, sooner or later it will sink in, but I’m not that patient. I can kind of see why they may think I come across as more anxious than I actually feel at times. I’m naturally energetic and that may be taken as somebody who always has bad anxiety.

Nonetheless, it won’t kill me to tell the same damn thing to a counselor on the 12th and then to a shrink in July even if we’re the ones that have to pay for it in time, gas, and money. Unless my PCP and endo pull strings to get me in sooner, which is what they would like to do. I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s okay guys. I’m off the Prozac. I don’t want to kill myself. Relax!”

There is still a risk of an anxiety flare-up, however, because other things in life can cause that, and I don’t know that my thyroid is 100% dead yet. I slept great last night and didn’t get raced awake by my heart, be it due to anxiety or menopause or whatever.

To add to my already growing list of appointments, my PCP wants to see me in a month. I have no idea why. What must I see her for in a month that I can’t tell her online or by phone? Just because some of us have money doesn’t mean we want to throw it away frivolously. Every time I have to see a doctor or specialist it costs us. $25-$35 may not seem like much, but it adds up in time.

I had a dream that Tom and I were in Boston. It definitely couldn’t have been on a vacation because that’s the last place we’d go. However, we stayed at a hotel in which I knew that Mary G/D and her mother worked. In reality, I want nothing to do with her and I don’t see that changing in the future after the way she used me so badly for many years from jail and then decided she didn’t need me afterward while throwing some false accusations at me on her way out of my life. She was an extremely needy, naïve and paranoid person. She’s probably still using some abusive rich guy to feed her shopping addiction.

Regardless, in the dream, I met up with her mother who was half the age she would be in real life. She had long straight silver hair but it didn’t make her look old or ugly. She knew who I was and she didn’t seem to like me at all. I don’t remember what she said but she started voicing some rather judgmental opinions about me about something or another. I eyed her pregnant belly with disgust and a little judgment of my own, knowing that she got knocked up by Mary's present boyfriend, and told her to let Mary know that I was around before I turned and went back to my hotel room.

MONDAY, MAY 4, 2015 I was falling asleep thinking how wonderful the weekend had been just to wake up an hour later with my heart racing. I thought I was over that shit! Why does the past love to return to haunt me and why have I been having these things? Did I just get overheated? Is it menopause? Anxiety? My medication?

It raced really fast for a few minutes. Even my brain felt like it was sizzling or something, and I took lorazepam to help me fall back asleep. After that I was fine. I didn’t wake up a million times and I had no more “heart attacks.”

I was in the middle of dreaming that Tom and I were on some boat or ship. I don’t think it was ours. A storm was brewing and he wanted to see if we could get to a particular place before it got bad so he opened a door to check the weather conditions out. It was very windy and cloudy so I told him to forget it. If my heart hadn’t raced me awake I probably wouldn’t remember that dream.

The lady who lives diagonally from us with the double-door garage was having it worse. I got up at 2 AM and a half-hour later I was aware of car door slamming. My first thought was that it was next door. Wondering what the hell they could be doing at that hour, I looked out the window and saw fire and ambulance had pulled up to the other house. The woman was loaded into the ambulance and her husband followed in their car.

Just got a notice from my endo doc saying:

I am glad you are able to articulate all this more openly as I believe it is part of the healing process. We will GET to a good place in time with all of this. Let me think of next steps but certainly one is to help the anxiety calm down with medication that agrees with you. I will work with Dr A to help get you in for a medication evaluation with a psychiatrist. Once the anxiety is more settled I think we can tackle the thyroid. Hang in there! DR O

So I Skyped Tom and asked him what I should reply with, and he said:

No need to reply…they can talk all they want then we'll do what is best.

As I sit here and mull her words around in my mind, I’m not sure what to think. I have mixed emotions about things right now and with good reason. I don't want to end up a walking pharmacy I was as a kid, but at least I have rights to my life now that I didn't have before. At 16 years of age, I simply couldn’t say “no” to any medication I didn’t want to try or that I didn’t like the effects of. Now I do. I don't want to treat anything physical or emotional unless it is absolutely necessary to my well-being.

Again, I’m not sure a counselor, shrink and medication are necessary if they just give me the proper dose of thyroid medication. I never had anxiety problems this severe before, so why now, even though I happen to feel fine at the present moment?

I appreciate the doctor not giving up on me and I appreciate her doing her job and trying to get me to a better place where I feel better and I’m healthier. I’m just afraid that their efforts may make me worse as the Prozac did. I don’t want to get worse trying to fix something that may be able to be fixed simply with the proper dose of thyroid medication. So I have mixed emotions like I said. I respect the fact that they’re the experts, but sometimes I think that maybe I still know myself best and that they’re getting a little too carried away. I guess time will tell. Either way, I definitely don’t want to go through the physical or emotional hell I have been through all over again, and I know there are no guarantees that I won’t.

There are other fears as well. I became addicted to and acquired permanent side effects from the Navane I took many years ago. Well, I don’t want to become dependent on pills any more than I would on alcohol or illegal drugs and then suffer long-term consequences. So unless it is absolutely necessary, I don’t want anybody playing God with my brain chemistry too much. Yes, I’d rather get addicted than feel like I’m going to die, but if there’s a better, easier way, I’d rather that.

I thought about it for months and finally decided that getting my hair straightened might damage my already damaged hair, and decided that I was sick of long hair anyway, so I cut it off. It’s not only easier to deal with and more manageable this way since it’s very curly and I have to dye it regularly, but it will make it easier for swimming season.

I got it done at Supercuts and the girl did a great job. It’s to the shoulders with a slight layer in back to keep it from poofing out, and some face-framing. The whole thing took only about 15 minutes and when she was done she put some anti-frizz product in it that smelled really good. The whole thing cost just $16.

Tom told me we could go anywhere I wanted and I could have any service I wanted. That’s really sweet of him, but I never saw the point in paying $60 for the same cut you can get for $16 whether you have extra money or not, and I guess we’re doing pretty well right now because we calculated that if he were suddenly jobless and didn’t get unemployment, we would be okay for 10-11 months. Either way, the prospect of ever becoming poor again seems like nothing compared to the physical and emotional hell I’ve been through the last year.

Between bike riding and tons of walking through giant parking lots, I got a lot of exercise yesterday. The lady at Supercuts told us we had a 25-minute wait, so we walked to the nearest store, which was a dollar store. I got a cute Rainbow spinner to put outside, and this dangly thing with gems and butterflies to hang over the bar across the top of the bench swing to give it a little decoration.

I felt a little flustered by the time we got back to Supercuts, so I decided not to go walking around Target across the way like we had originally planned and to just go back home and relax.

With all we have going on, we decided to postpone Reno until the fall. We are still not sure when and where we will get a kitten, but I guess we can start looking around.

So tell me… what’s the point of hiding our Facebook friends if Facebook is going to announce on the newsfeed that so-and-so is now friends with so-and-so? And why does Facebook need to recommend our friends to our other friends? I swear there is not one stitch of privacy on Facebook. If I post to one friend’s wall everybody else has to know about it and I don’t see why it’s their business no matter how trivial the post may be. Everything I “like” and comment on is pointed out to my friends, and while I don’t necessarily mind them knowing what I “like” and comment on, it still doesn’t pertain to them so it seems pointless. This is one of many reasons I continue to limit my usage of the site. I use it more to check for messages and collect pictures than anything else.

SUNDAY, MAY 3, 2015 Yesterday was a rather enjoyable day. Oh, some have asked me if I have any plans to try any other diets anytime soon. Naw, not worth the hunger just to lose a few pounds that only come back.

We went to Walmart and not only got groceries but a few other things as well. We got a new silverware set that looks expensive but isn’t, and I got a bottle of hot pink nail polish as well as another one of those scented polishes in Chocolate Truffle.

Got a few wax melts, one of which I had before called Purple Sands that I really like. I also got a Latte Mocha and Honeysuckle, which is in the warmer right now. Got a small bottle of White Shoulders perfume too. Maybe next time I will get Emeraude.

After we came home and put the groceries away we headed for the lab. This time there was a girl there named Kylie that I had never seen before. She was friendly and was able to draw blood on the first try. The only problem was that we had to wait a whole hour. The waiting room was so jam-packed I was amazed there were no screaming brats present.

We’re hoping for single digits, but not expecting them. I don’t understand for the life of me why the doctor has ordered this test so soon but I guess she must have her reasons. She told me she thought I needed 100 or more micrograms and unfortunately she’s probably right. Either way, she is a much better endo than an amateur shrink and I won’t hesitate to tell her that either, LOL. I don’t hold the Prozac backfiring on me against her, though, because I know she was just trying to help. For now, I will continue on with the 75s unless they become a problem again.

After the lab, it was home to good food and good relaxation.

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2015 There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Prozac was responsible for my latest round of hell. I have a feeling that the doctor is still going to claim that she’s never heard of the symptoms I had and basically imply that I’m full of shit, but I don't care. The only thing I'm unsure of at this time is whether or not I can adapt to 75. I’m also tempted to pull out of the counselor appointment and say look, "I know my body and I know what's normal for me. As long as I’m not given too much medication or the wrong kind of medication, there is no crisis."

I find it rather disturbing that two “professionals” told me that my heart racing me awake was anxiety when in fact it was the Prozac.

Blue lives matter, black lives matter… rolls eyes I don’t know who’s more pathetic. The pigs or the animals we call black people. I just know that I see a scary similarity to the savage beasts in the Middle East. Only difference is Americans loathe and refuse to tolerate those overseas while they have all the love in the world for the sick, dangerous and destructive scum we’ve got living right here. Tom says it’s all about being poor. Oh, please! We were poor for years. But did we ever go beating and robbing innocent people just because Jesse’s mutts pissed us off or something like that?

Funny how half of the pigs being charged with Grey’s death (and I do believe it was police brutality) are black. Yet people will still use race as a crutch. Everything always comes down to race in this country, even when race has nothing to do with the situation. What I know of the Grey case is obvious – it was about police brutality. Not about race. Not unless half the officers involved hate their own kind. Still, they’re not going to do shit to the cops. Cops are free to kill all they want.

So heartbreaking that the Wayne County prosecutor had to resign simply for expressing her opinion about shooting the protesters. What’s wrong with this damn country? I agree with her! If you’re going to act like animals in society you should be shot and die like animals. Black people DISGUST me with the savage beasts they so often are, much like ISIS, resorting to violence (mostly upon those who are innocent) when something pisses them off. No matter how violent we get, cops are going to continue to brutalize ALL races because that’s simply what cops do. Only difference is that the media is going to focus on black victims.

I continue to have mixed emotions about Andy. It is hard to believe that the same person who could care enough to send those cheesecake samplers would go out of his way to do things that he knows bothers me, but it’s more than obvious that this is the case. His obsession with posting pictures of violence and fire, especially when it involves blacks (pics of the Baltimore riots), really disturbs me. I don’t get what his goal is. Is he trying to push the acceptance of blacks on me? Or does he simply enjoy offending, grossing out, and annoying others? I asked if he could post things depicting things of a more peaceful nature (hey, looking at flowers puts me in a better mood than violence) and his reply was “Not yet,” and then he goes and posts another pic of the animals rioting.

Again, I am torn between hanging onto him and cutting ties. He frustrates the hell out of me, not just with his immaturity and his forgetfulness (be it his fault or not), but with the way he seems not to care about how others feel and with his selfishness. No matter how many times I tell him that a particular thing does not interest me, he seems to push it on me more. I’m amazed that I don’t have to hear about his God fantasy a lot more than I do. It seems that everything to him is about celebrities, sexy young guys, and violence.

If I asked myself if I would be friends with him if we were meeting today for the first time, the answer would honestly be no. I just know that if I let him go he would be devastated and I don’t want that. I don’t hate him; I am just annoyed by him and sick of him at times. But Andy's not one you can easily “cut back on.” You kinda gotta be all or nothing with him.

At the same time, I know I have to consider my own feelings. I have a feeling that if I told a counselor exactly how I felt about him, they would probably tell me that given how often I have doubts about him I should probably let him go. But would he let me go if I let him go? Or would he stalk the shit out of me every chance he got and try to reach out to me through my friends? This is someone that’s friends with some of my friends. Well, just Norma to be exact. The point is that disengaging myself from him may be a lot harder than it was to detangle myself from Kim in Molly. Speaking of Molly, something must’ve happened to her. This is the longest I’ve gone without any blog views from her.

Still, the frustrating question remains… do I put up with Andy's negative side, or do I let go and hope for the best?

Going for a TSH test this morning. The only thing is that I have to go to the bad vamps. Yeah, I hate this lab. Nothing but incompetent bitches work there. So… I’m sure I will be coming home with plenty of bruises. At least I didn’t have to fast all night and this morning. I’m just not sure why the doctor wants me to get tested now and not closer to our next appointment in six weeks.

Decided to place the large gymnast silhouette sticker in the hallway and she looks fantastic there! I’m going to add a few more to the other side at some point. I’m just not sure we should have painted that hallway such a bright, blinding pink, LOL.

Had some weird dreams last night, all right. For some reason, I felt compelled to tickle Tom’s foot in his sleep, but he never woke up. Then I saw what I thought might be a mouse hopping along the wall before I got up and wandered around the house. The house had multi-levels and didn’t look anything like our house. Some rooms were huge and others were tiny.

Then I dreamed I had a girlfriend in her 20s who reminded me of Nancy K. She kept insisting she was all or nothing and since we “did it” we had to be serious. I don’t know if I was young again as well, but I seemed to have serious doubts about her. I wasn’t exactly turned on by her appearance even though she wasn’t ugly, and I didn’t like how young and immature she came off as.

FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2015 I spoke with my endo doc’s nurse and told her something that only Tom knew until then. Something I should have told my doctors upfront, but was afraid to, thanks to past experience. Even Tom urged me to speak up about it.

When I was on Prozac, I not only noticed throat pain and had more trouble sleeping, but I became depressed and even had thoughts of dying. As those of you who know me well know, or have read in my past journals on other sites, I attempted suicide in my teens when I was a ward of the state and in a horrible place. After surgery set my arm and I was released from the hospital, I was returned to that same horrible place and treated so badly that I was almost sorry I didn’t succeed in ending my life. So even though it’s not the 80s and this is an entirely different situation, coming clean has backfired on me before, and I remember that. I finally realized that the only way my doctors could help me and understand what was really going on was to be upfront with them, so I told the nurse about those feelings. Prozac typically causes this in those under 25, so I definitely wasn’t expecting to end up feeling so bad.

The first few days I actually felt rather relaxed. This doesn’t mean 75 mcg of levothyroxine is right for me, though. This dose definitely causes me an uptick in both physical and emotional anxiety. However, I am going to continue it until Saturday when I get blood drawn. The doctor has ordered another TSH test.

Originally, the nurse was calling to tell me that the doctor had never heard of throat pain being connected to Prozac and that she felt I should give it another chance. As I told her, though, no matter what the numbers say, I always feel best on 50 mcgs and I don’t even need the lorazepam on that dose. Furthermore, as she agreed and confirmed, 50 mcg is NOT life-threatening. My thyroid, or complications caused by it dying, probably wouldn’t kill me or cause great harm to me for many years with absolutely no medication at all, so 50 certainly isn’t going to hurt me and it is better than nothing. I feel kind of shitty on nothing at all, better on 25, and best on 50.

Even someone who had their thyroid completely removed was telling me that even though their numbers appear a little low at 175 mcg, they can’t handle going to 200 without feeling jittery and unable to sleep.

I have no problem seeing a counselor to help me deal with the trauma of what I’ve been through over the last year and what anxiety I may naturally have which is nothing compared to what I can get from too much thyroid medication, but fuck the psych pills for now. Last night I slept the best I slept in nearly 2 weeks with NO racy heart wake-up calls. I have NO doubt in my mind that Prozac was the culprit in causing me throat pain, waking up with a racy heart, depression, and thoughts of dying. I already threw the shit away, and I wish the makers of the crap would pay us back for what we paid for it as well as Tom’s lost wages during the day he had to stay home and babysit me because I was so freaked out by how bad the shit mindfucked me. I’ve got the lorazepam to use as needed and I’m okay with that. I’m NOT okay with taking additional medication just so I can stand a higher dose of thyroid medication that may be somewhat helpful but not necessary. Again, 50 is plenty sufficient enough. A little extra weight and dry skin/hair aren’t going to kill me. I’ve also got the beta-blocker for if my heart rate gets out of hand.

Sometimes we really do have to do what’s best for us as individuals and not what’s best for the majority.

Even Andy was concerned when I told him I was starting Prozac. I told him to relax, the suicidal thoughts and depression happen mostly in younger people – and they do – and so I thought I’d be fine. Wrong! I totally get how this and other drugs can cause Robin Williams and others to either become depressed or kill themselves. Not that I didn’t get it before, but going through something like this can really wipe out any last vestiges of doubt and ignorance as to how a foreign chemical can mind fuck you and make you do things you wouldn’t normally do, especially when your life is just fine otherwise. I may not be a millionaire but I have just about everything a woman my age could want yet all I could think was, if I just didn’t exist…

After talking to the nurse I sent the doctor this:

I will take the 75s and get a TSH test probably this Saturday when I can get a ride. I just felt compelled to apologize to you directly for not telling you about how I became depressed and wanted to die on the Prozac. When I was younger and had feelings like that and confided in others, it backfired on me, and I remember that even though times have changed. I should have been more upfront with you. To make a long story short, when I was 17 I was a ward of the state and in a horrible place. I threw myself out a window and broke my upper arm. After I was released from the hospital I was returned to the same horrible place and treated so badly I was almost sorry I did not succeed. I know it is not the 80s and you are not them, but Tom has been the only one I could discuss such unwanted feelings with till now. Your nurse made me feel so much better and I am glad I told her. Thank you for continuing to work with me to help me feel better. As for the higher levothyroxine dosage, I honestly do not know that I can take that for much longer due to both the physical and emotional anxiety I get on that particular dose. There is what the numbers say and then there is how I feel, and on 50s I feel much better and I do not even need lorazepam, even though I know 50 may not be enough thyroid hormone for me. Since 50 is not life-threatening and better than nothing, I would rather take that and feel better than have to take other pills just to tolerate a higher dosage. For now, though, I will take 75s till I am tested and use the lorazepam as necessary. Again, I am sorry I was afraid to admit how I felt earlier.

Later…

Now that it has been a whole month of treating the fungus in my toenails, and now that the warmer weather is setting in, I decided it was time to polish my nails. I hate bare nails, even on dolls, LOL. The treatment made it a lot better although it is not 100% cured. I can always hit it again when the weather cools down next fall if I want to. It isn’t dangerous or painful so it doesn’t have to be perfectly cured. It looks better, though, and the nails aren’t as thick and bumpy which makes them harder to trim.

My thyroid is dead, my heart beats too fast, and my cholesterol is too high. But I'm alive! Yeah, I am still feeling much better now that I got the Prozac out of my system and now my worst problem, once again, is dealing with the daytime noise. Every single fucking day I have to hear landscaping coming from somewhere around here and it is annoying as hell.

Really hope Tammy doesn’t get settled into her new home and then get hit with daily landscaping too, and have to listen to some guy saw and hammer shit in his garage without having the decency to shut the damn door. I haven’t heard any of that lately here, but the landscaping is insane. Because she doesn’t have a lot of leafy trees and there doesn’t seem to be any common areas (I didn’t know the people own the land in the place she’s moving to), the worse she may have to deal with is lawnmowers since there seems to be a lot of grass where she is. Still, I hope she isn’t disappointed and as surprised as I was to learn that retirement communities aren’t that quiet. I suppose different communities have different noise ordinances. Here, anything goes as long as it’s daytime. I could blast the shit out of my music all day long if I wanted to, not that I want to do that. The only time I crank it up is when I’m cleaning or to drown out the landscaping.

Is she rich or something, though? She refuses to tell me how much the place costs and from the looks of it, it looks like a very expensive place to live. How does a couple go from a low-income apartment to that?

I had a dream that she, Larry, and I were all in Hawaii. They were lounging by a pool or something like that when I walked by them in my swimsuit and said I was going to go down to the beach for a swim because I didn’t know if I would get the chance to do it again. They just shrugged as if to say, “Whatever.”

In another dream, I was decorating a backyard that sort of reminded me of the one we had in Phoenix. There were these huge shelves that were kind of shaded and I considered setting up the rats’ cages there.

Then I was sitting at a long table. Andy was to my right and some Indian people (not American Indian) were across from me as well as to my left. I started to explain Indian culture to Andy, and then I stopped and asked one of the other people at the table if it would be okay to tell him what I learned about their culture and they nodded. I don’t remember what the hell it was I told Andy, though.

My parents were alive in the last dream and we were staying in a cabin in the woods. I went for a walk at one point and got lost. The darker it got, the harder it was for me to find my way back and I knew I would have to find a place to rest till morning. A medium-sized white dog with long thick fur approached me and kept me warm for the night. The next morning I found my way back, much to my parents' relief.

Never mind. Tammy just told me they paid 69K for the whole thing, the house is 4 years old, and they pay $160 a month for cable, lawn, and trash.

[thegirlwhotalksaboutherlife]

Last week 21/12, I went to Clarity to get help. I couldnt help myself anymore, I keep thinking about my situation. Every single day. So my friend encouraged me to go to Clarity. I’d be lying if I wasn’t nervous cus I was damn nervous. I even thought of myself “is this going to be okay? If i tell everything about my situation, would this be on my medical record? And yada yada” I was overthinking alot and my friend calmed me down. Thank god without him I wouldn’t be so brave to go to Clarity. So while I was having my lunch with him, I tried to call Clarity and texted them. But there were no answers, I wanted to give up and my friend told me to go their office, which we did….. took 2 hours while waiting for them to attend us 😓 heh. After 2 hours, I went to meet the psychiatrist and asked her if she was available today. Sadly, she was fully booked til late night (damn I know). So i asked her if there any psychiatrist available today, she told me most of the therapists were on leave due to Christmas (silly me). Then Alhamdulilah, my other friend recommended me this psychiatrist but different branch. I tried calling her first but she didnt pick up, after few mins, she called me back. So I asked her if she was available today, she said she can meet me at 4:30 pm and I agreed. So I went home to freshen up and dad called me and he was asking me where did I go. So i had to tell him the truth and I cried infront of him. So he agreed and told me to meet my therapist. So yeah, met my therapist and told her everything. My case, my mom, my family, my life and I vented out everything. She told me I have PTSD due to my case and we talked for about 1 hour or more I forgot. She told me to take the depression test and the results were bad. She said she thought I had stress and depression. But sadly, I was diagnosed as Depression, Stress and Anxiety. But it felt good to vent everything from ur shrink. I think it was a good decision of me seeing Clarity but I wonder after the 6 sessions I go through with her, what if it didnt work out? What if I am still the same? Which I am worried about. Of course my siblings didnt agree with me seeing therapist. They said do u even have depression? What kind of counseling are u attending? Sometimes people dont know if ure okay or not. They see us we’re okay but deep down we are not. This is Bruneian’s mindset, they said pray to Allah, I did pray to Him. But it is still the same? So I decided to go on medical treatment. They said meet Ustaz and tell them u want to change and all? This is Malay mindset. Sigh, whatever Fuck them anyway. I just want to get better and new version of myself. So I will be seeing my therapist next week Wednesday and I hope it goes well. I just want to change myself and focus on myself. I hate the old me, the overthinking, pessimistic person. I have to admit, my thoughts are all negative and since I was a kid, my thoughts were all negative. I dont know why but I guess my parents were never supported me when I was kid? I dont know. But anyway, i guess it was a decision meeting my Therapist. InsyaAllah, 2024 will be different and going to better than previous years. Aamiiin.. ❤️

[sinners-go-to-drink-the-wine]

Dirty Laundry 

Pairing: Danny x Reader

Word Count: 3.8k

{Author Commentary: Your best friend Danny is home from tour... and he’s single. Old header got flagged, so I had to re-upload.}

CW: 18+, minors DNI. (SPOILERS) mutual pining, friends-lovers, mild teasing, being picked up/carried, biting, oral (f!receiving), fingering (f!receiving)

Danny coming home from tour was always exciting. You’d stayed in contact the best you could while your childhood best friend traveled the world with his band. But you’d known each other so long the stretches of not talking were no cause for alarm. And the end of the tour was always a bit more consuming as it all ramped up to the final show. Aside from sharing a few silly posts and keeping up with his social media, you hadn’t had any interaction the past few weeks. When he’d texted you his plans for the end of the tour he promised lots of time for the two of you just to hang out and catch up.

But something in you missed him extra hard this time. And when you saw him again you couldn't deny you hugged him extra hard. He'd returned the hug, seeming to match your energy as his strong arms wrapped around you, holding you in and lifting you as he straightened slightly. He'd of course made sure to set you down safely before releasing you from his arms and smiling down at you. You'd spent the rest of the day together, just chatting and accompanying him through post-tour tasks.

That's how you found yourself sitting perched on the washing machine in his family's laundry room. You were ranting to him about some of your family drama while he sorted through his dirty clothes for the next load. The washing machine sounded, cutting you off to signify the end of its cycle. “Time to dry!” Danny gently but swiftly held your waist, shifting you from the lid of the top-load washer you were sat on, onto the top of the front-load dryer.

You’d instinctively gripped his forearms, though it seemed to take barely any effort on his part. Once your hands trailed off his arms, he casually resumed his laundry, opening the washer and transferring its contents to the open dryer you were now sat on. You lifted your legs out of the way so he could close the dryer. When he straightened up he was standing between your parted knees. He braced a hand on your knee as he leaned over you to adjust the dials on the dryer and press the start button. His warmth and smell enveloped your space for a few moments. Danny’s go-to deodorant was a cool, softly masculine lavender, that mingled with the warm woodsy notes of his hair products for an intoxicating result. The old machine started to rattle beneath you as the heavy wet clothes inside tumbled around. The vibrations traveled through you, catching you off guard. Instinctively, your legs closed slightly, hugging the sides of Danny's hips. His hand remained on your leg just above your knee as he leaned back, raising an eyebrow at you curiously.  "You ok?" "Yeah-” your throat suddenly felt dry, “it just surprised me. …forgot how clunky this thing is…" You shared a laugh. His hand slipped off your knee as he turned back to his laundry basket.

He started filing the washer with the second load he'd separated. As you watched, your eyes lingered on his arms. They were certainly not the same as the last time you'd seen him in person. You'd noticed his change in concert attire to display his further developed biceps lately. He was currently sporting a Michigan Wolverines shirt, the same one he'd had since highschool. He’d always been eye-catching, but he’d definitely stepped into it more lately. And you absolutely loved it. His growing confidence was so heartwarming to witness from your previously lanky, quiet friend. But all these warm feelings for him came with a new undertone, a more complicated feeling.

"What do you want to do while we wait for the dryer?" He asked as he poured laundry detergent into the washer and started it. "Well, you have clothes that need folding… I could watch a movie while you do that", you jested. He smirked as he closed the washer and turned to you. "What do you want to watch?" "Hmm…" You drummed your finger against the edge of the dryer as you considered. "Something nostalgic…Princess Bride, maybe… no- wait! Stardust! It's gotta be Stardust, we haven't watched it in sooo long!" He laughed as he stepped in front of the dryer, waving a finger at you, jokingly "Only if you help fold." "Fine. Help me down." You could easily have hopped off the dryer, but he’d volunteered to show off his lifting abilities before, why not give him another opportunity? He stepped forward, taking your waist as your hands rested on his biceps once again. He slid you forward, lifting you slightly over the edge. When he gently set you down there was a few seconds you were stood between him and the dryer as he smiled down at you. His hands left your waist and he went to the laundry table, gathering up an already dried load.

You followed him to the other area of the basement where there were some old couches and a TV.  He set the laundry on the coffee table in front of the most central couch as you grabbed the remote, flipping through various streaming sites till you found one that had it. “Yes!” you cheered, settling into the couch. Danny laughed before tossing a shirt from the clean pile over you. You laughed with him as you pulled it off your head, examining it. It was a large warn-in plaid button-up in a faded grey-blue. “Can I borrow this, actually? Need something comfy, if we’re just gonna hang out here the rest of the night…”. “Sure” He looked back at the sweater he was folding, seemingly smiling to himself. You stood up, stepping behind the couch, out of his line of sight, to change. You pulled off your blouse and bra, buttoning the shirt up three-quarters of the way so the neck hung open comfortably. The hem hung just past your shorts, and the sleeves well past your hands. You worked on rolling them up as you made your way back around the couch. Once the sleeves were cuffed just below your elbows you looked up, meeting his eyes. He cleared his throat, giving you a smile before placing the folded shirt in his lap on a growing pile. You chuckled at his acting like he’d been caught. You took a shirt from the pile, joining him in the folding. He’d already done most of it, so the two of you made quick work of the last few items.

“So… does the new dedication to your curl pattern mean I don’t get to mess with your hair anymore?” You teased him as you stretched your legs out to rest your feet on the table. He placed the last sweater on the pile, “Hmmmm… I’d have to make an exception…”. Even as he    feigned hesitation, he shifted onto his back, resting his head on your lap and flipping his hair from under him so it draped over your other thigh. His eyes fluttered closed as you smiled down at him, parting his bangs delicately so they framed his face. Your fingers sunk into his hair, resulting in a contented hum.

The movie rambled on in the background as you aimlessly ran your fingers over his scalp. Danny’s eyes remained closed, and you were distracted taking note of the freckles that dappled his cheeks and nose after a long summer. ‘I want to kiss them… Woah.’ Your eyes darted up, though you weren’t really looking at the screen. ‘Where’d that come from?’ Your hand had stilled, and your leg shifted a bit anxiously. He started lifting his head, meeting your gaze when you looked back down. “Want me to get up?” Your response was a little too prompt, “No.” Your free hand rested on his chest, gently guiding him back down reassuringly. He looked up at you skeptically. “You’re not telling me something…” His hand came up to rest over yours. “Did something happen while I was away?” ‘Yes.’ “No.” He tilted his head, raising his eyebrows at you, waiting for you to go on. “I-” The buzzer sounded on the washer. You looked over your shoulder, then back to him. “I thought the washer might be done soon. I was right, see?” “The dryer’s gonna be another twenty minutes.”, he followed up, not giving you the out. When you offered no response he sat up slightly, supporting himself on his elbow on the far side of your legs so he was still stretched across your lap, his face now closer to yours. “What is it?”

Your eyes traced over his freckles and down the bridge of his nose, settling on his lips. “I-” “Huh…” his parted lips formed a small smile as he seemed to make a connection. You barely had time to glance at his eyes before he was leaning in, pressing his lips to yours. Your eyes closed as you kissed him back, grateful you didn’t need to say anything further. Your hand on his chest made its way to his shoulder, then his neck, before cupping his jaw. His free hand was gently holding your waist. His kisses were soft, lingering.

You opened your eyes when pulled away. He sat up, still smiling, “We can do this in a better position.” Your face flushed as you wordlessly followed his lead. He sat back on the couch, guiding you onto his lap. Once you were straddling him, resting on his thighs, you held his face gently, running your thumbs along his cheekbones. His warm hands rested on your thighs above your knees, smoothing up and down slightly. There was a slight hesitation in the movement. "Are you… nervous?" You met his eyes. He chuckled "I just kissed you… after knowing you most of my life… I just finally kissed you." He squeezed your thighs gently, emphasizing his inflection. You joined him in a slightly shaky giggle. You finally leaned in and kissed the apple of his cheek, then the other, then the side of his nose, before fully kissing him again.

You immediately deepened the kiss when he parted his lips, taking him in. His hands glided up your thighs, under the hem of his button-up and your flowy shorts. A small sound escaped your mouth as he squeezed your upper thigh. He used the small pause to shift his kiss to your neck. You bit your lip to repress another sound. He knew. He knew your sensitive spots, where no one else could touch. His lips and tongue working down your neck felt like heaven. When his teeth grazed the pulsing vein in your neck your hand drove into his hair, desperate to hold him there. You could feel him smile against your skin as one of his hands withdrew to brush your hair away from your neck. He pulled the collar of the button-up open more, kissing the top of your shoulder. “Love when you wear my clothes…” he nuzzled the area before exhaling a warm breath across your skin. When he spoke again his voice was, different. “It always drives me crazy.” His teeth bit down on your damp flushed skin between your neck and shoulder.

A long trilling buzz interrupted any possible thought you were trying to form as the sweet sting of his teeth subsided. “Oh…” you said quietly. His lips had pulled away softly. His forehead rested on your shoulder as he started quietly giggling. You’d begun laughing too, at the sudden shift in the atmosphere. Danny lifted his head, sighing with a smile. “We’re gonna have to move again, sorry.” He lifted you as you started getting up. Once you were both on your feet, however, he was picking you up, swiftly taking you back to the laundry room.

He sat you on the dryer, with a devilish smirk. He took the clothes out of the dryer, dropping them in a basket before moving the wet clothes to the dryer. Once he straightened up again his hands slid up your thighs as met you for another kiss. He reached around you to start the dryer, the familiar rumbling traveling through you. You gasped, this time against his mouth. With a short “hmh” he pulled your hips towards the edge, so you were pressed into him. Your hands gripped his shoulders as a small sound escaped you. “Yeah… ” his hands on your hips held you down, intensifying the rattling thrum traveling up your core, “I noticed that…”. Your face flushed with embarrassment as he kissed your cheek. “Danny-” “I’ve been noticing you…” his lips brushed over your ear as he continued in a slow, teasing voice “and think… what happened while I was gone… is you finally started noticing me too…".

As he'd spoken his lips had started hovering lower towards your neck. His hands had worked open the next button on the already loosely buttoned plaid shirt. He'd started kissing softly down the front of your neck, making you tip your head back and sigh. Ha paused to nibble and kiss along your collarbones. You giggled as his curls tickled the underside of your jaw. His hands released the final button, gently parting the open shirt. His hands slipped in, holding your sides. He looked up to meet your eyes and you shrugged the open shirt off your shoulders, letting it hang around your elbows and across your lower back. Your breasts were now fully exposed, as you wordlessly gave him permission to continue. He bit his lip for a moment as his eyes took you in.

When he finally ducked his head, his warm mouth met the soft skin of your breast with a gentle, open-mouthed kiss. It truly felt like being worshipped. After repeating the treatment to your other breast, his kisses trailed down your stomach. He looked up at you again “I’ve been dreaming about this- literally.” “Oh you have no idea-” you were cut off as he trailed his tongue up your center. Your hands fisted in his hair as he licked over you fervently. He lowered his face slightly to lick into you. His gorgeous nose pressed into your clit, making you jolt forward, threatening to slip off the edge. His hands caught your hips, lifting you back slightly as he chuckled against your inner thigh. “We should probably find somewhere less precarious…”. You nodded, smiling and laughing breathily, your cheeks fully flushed.

Danny helped you down, waiting for you to gain your footing before taking the basket of fresh clothes from the dryer by the handle and trailing you along behind him. He tossed the warm clothes on the couch, letting them cascade across it, a few falling to the floor. "Are you expecting us to fold those- ?" "Nope." He lifted you nonchalantly, tossing you on the couch. You landed on the pile of warm, familiar, fresh-smelling clothes, sinking in slightly. 'Oh'. Your cheeks warmed as you realized where this was headed. Soon he was hovering over you, eyeing you like something he was going to devour. His smirk only grew when he got to your face. "Are you embarrassed, ‘cause you like it?" He knew it, it was surely written all over your face. But his taunting only furthered the scarlet tinge across your cheeks. Your kiss-swollen lips parted slightly but you were at a loss for words.

“That’s ok”, he chuckled softly against your ear. His hand cupped over your breast, teasing your nipple between two fingers before it smoothed down your side. His fingertips trailed along the hem of your shorts. “Can I take these off?” “Yes, please-”. He kissed your jaw before pulling away to slide your shorts and panties down your legs, tossing them on the coffee table by the folded clothes. When he returned to hover over you your hands trailed up his abdomen, under his shirt “-And get this shirt off!”. He smirked at your assertive tone. “-Not that I don’t love it, but- it’s kinda in my way.” He tossed his head back and laughed earnestly before pulling it up, over his head. You almost licked your lips at the sight of his elongated torso and flexing arms. He tossed the shirt down with a low sigh that sent a shiver through you.

As he leaned over you again, his middle finger slid between your folds. Then it was trailing back up to circle your clit. His dark, hooded eyes and cascading curls hovered over you, just out of reach. You pulled him down by the back of his neck, meeting him in a deep kiss. You gasped against his lips as the pleasure caused your hips to arch off the couch instinctively. He smiled against your lips as he traced over your entrance once more, but it was only a tease. His fingers were back to cunningly working you up as you continued to chase more contact. Your hands ran over his shoulder, exploring what you could reach of his upper back. One of your hands sunk into his hair as the tension inside you began building again. “Dannyy-” You whined, trying to spur him on. He chuckled before kissing down your neck. “I’m getting there” he chided gently before shifting further down, resettling between your legs. Not what you’d expected, but you certainly weren’t complaining, especially after the small taste you’d gotten earlier.

His strong arms linked under your thighs. His warm hands gripped your hips, pulling you the rest of the way to his waiting mouth. His lips closed around you as his eyes fluttered shut. You reached down to brush his bangs back from his face. You had to have the perfect view of his strong brow and dark lashes beating against sharp cheekbones, even the freckles that dotted the bridge of his nose. But the cherry on top was the lewd, earnest sounds from your best friend as he devoured you. As your vision started to go fuzzy from the pleasure building in you, you resigned to dropping your head back into the soft cushion of one of his many sweaters.

His hands clamped around your thighs as they started to quake. “Danny- !” this time the whine was more choked and admittedly desperate. He pulled away ever so slightly, causing your eyes to dart to his, ready for protest. His dark eyes piercing through his soft brown lashes at you, halted any words from forming as he instead spoke. “D’you still want my fingers?” “Yes. Fuck, yes please.” He smirked as his hands retreated from the tops of your thighs. His right hand smoothed up the underside of your thigh, pressing it back so your leg was bent out of his way His other hand trailed a single finger down your center, where his eyes were now trained. “Could you hold your legs up for me, -better access…” his eyes met yours as your face burned red again. “Uh, ye-yeah…” you bit your lip as you lifted your other leg, holding them both under the knee. It was certainly an exposing position, making your heart rate increase. But before you could bother feeling too self-conscious, you felt Danny kissing each of your thighs as he assumed his position. A small whimper escaped you as you heard Danny’s mouth wetting his finger -despite you already practically dripping- before sinking it into you smoothly.  

Soon his lips were closing gently over your clit with the softest of kitten licks as his finger curled deep inside you. It was as if he already knew your body intimately. His gentle beckoning gradually increased as your whines grew more desperate. “Danny, please- ” He pulled away to lean over you again, his finger barely pausing. He hung over you, his lips just out of reach, his black crystal necklace dangling teasingly from its short cord around his neck. “What do you need?” “More- of you-” He smiled at you, kissing your cheek as you felt a second finger nudge into you. He waited for you to adjust before resuming his rhythm. The calloused pad of his thumb meeting your sensitive clit forced a small gasp out of you.

He was kissing over your neck as the pressure began building in you yet again. Your hands had begun to slip and he’d noticed you struggling to focus as you attempted to keep them up for him. His free hand relieved one of yours, giving you permission to let go of the other. Your hands immediately reached for him, one burring in his hair at the back of his neck, the other cupping the side of his jaw. You brought his face up to yours, kissing him messily, filthily- but it was the  best you could muster as your pleasure neared its peak. His nose grazed the side of your face as he cooed “ It’s ok, you can let go for me”. Your orgasm overtook you, your legs quaking as his fingers continued their expert rhythm. When you finally released all tension, your hands rested tiredly over his shoulders as you breathed deeply. His fingers left you, and when your eyes opened again he was watching you, fondly, as he wiped his hand on a clean t-shirt, before gently wiping you as well.

You reached for his belt, but he took your hand, giving it a small squeeze and smiling, looking over you sheepishly. “No need, I uh- actually…” “Oh…” you sat up slightly to see a dark spot had formed in his jeans. You couldn’t help the Cheshire cat grin that spread over your face as you searched Danny’s sheepish face. “You must really like me or something…”. Danny dissolved into laughter, before swooping in to kiss you again. When he pulled back he smiled at you as his hands stroked your sides. “Don’t worry, plenty of time to explore everything else… we don’t have to do everything we’ve been imagining tonight, just cause we finally acknowledged… everything.” You nodded, trailing your hands gently up his arms in satiated bliss.

“And, Danny… “ “Hmm?” his eyes met yours and you smiled at him tenderly. “You don’t have to be ready for everything either… You weren’t single for a long time, and as much as I’m glad to know you were thinking of me too… you deserve to take your time…” He looked down, trailing his thumbs back and forth absently “...thank you.” After a few moments you sat up properly and he lifted you to sit on his lap. He stroked your arm gently as you both  enjoyed the comfortable silence for a bit. “I think I am ready for a shower, if you want to join… ” he offered. “I’d love that… after we get this dirtied laundry back in the wash...” You both looked at the flattened, sweaty clothes covering the couch around you before laughing again.

~

{Chapter 2 >>>}

Author Commentary: Annnd I may have written myself into needing a part two, again. Let me know if I should write more of this Danny. I can’t believe this is my fist solo Dannyxreader fic, and I’m sorry I haven’t posted in so long! I have a Jake fluff coming soon~

Feel free to share any thoughts!! & let me know if you want to be added/removed from my tag list~

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[doyelikehaggis]

Rowing the Rarepair Rowboat: Romanogers | Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff (MCU)

Requested by @blairwaldcrf

The meeting is probably about to start. No one has tried to call in the last ten minutes or so which makes a nice change from the twenty texts and voicemails waiting on both phones. It's a good thing Natasha silenced them after the first three, but she's still surprised that Steve, as a light sleep as he tends to be, hasn't stirred at all.

She's more relieved by that, actually. It's been so many restless nights of him getting out of bed after an hour of trying to drift off. So many three am cups of coffee. Too many crack-of-dawn runs around the streets of New York. She's been toying with suggesting he see a doctor for some kind of help for the last week or so.

Her phone buzzes somewhere on the floor. She ignores it once again. Something she severely hopes is not going to come back and bite her when she does finally get around to checking it; knowing her luck, there's some kind of world-ending event occurring and she's closing her eyes to it for the sake of letting Steve get in a few extra hours. It's worth it.

Steve's phone buzzes this time and she groans quietly into her pillow. Now that she's thought it, there's a pit in her stomach, growing concerned that something might actually be wrong and it's not just Tony lecturing them for not being "responsible."

She carefully unwraps herself from Steve and goes to roll onto her side to find her own phone. She's stopped mid-search, dangling over the edge of the bed as Steve's arm curls around her with a gentle tug to bring her fully back.

"Leave it," he murmurs into her shoulder. "I checked mine when you went to the bathroom. Nothing's wrong. They cancelled the meeting."

"Why?"

"Well, we weren't answering and nothing of importance has really happened to update on recently. All of the texts and calls are from that group chat Thor added us to. It's him and Darcy and... Korg, I think his name is, arguing about some video game."

"I forgot to leave that chat," Natasha says, silently scolding herself for not doing so when this is the result. At the very least, she needs to mute it.

Steve chuckles quietly, but it fades out as he kisses her shoulder, then buries his face into the back of her neck. It's only just occurring to her that she has no idea how long he's actually been awake, potentially just lying there with her arms wrapped around him, pretending to be asleep.

She turns herself around in his arms now to get a good look at his face, having been staring at the back of his head for the better part of the morning. There are dark circles under his eyes but they never really go away. His eyes themselves look a bit brighter than they do most days, even with the half-lidded, sleepy look to them.

Sighing softly, she strokes his cheek. He smiles and lets his eyes flutter closed again, enjoying her gentle touch. It's almost a shock to her system. Someone embracing her touch, trusting it implicitly, so much so that he lowers every single guard and makes himself vulnerable to her.

She swallows hard. Then she kisses him, startling him momentarily. He quickly melts into it and kisses her back, curling his arm a little more securely around her.

"Did you sleep okay?" she asks in between, peering at him as he opens his eyes again. "You seemed peaceful. For a little while, at least."

That pretty smile crosses his face again. It somehow still manages to make him look like some innocent boy despite his full beard.

"I'm always peaceful when I'm with you," he replies, but when she raises an eyebrow, he drops the evasive tactics. "Yeah, I slept okay. I've not been awake that long. Drifting in and out since you got up."

Natasha finally smiles back. "We could just... go back to sleep now that we don't have anything important to do. Not that I planned on actually getting up for that anyway, but you know."

"Sounds good to me."

[kuromochimi]

Traces of You

Haitani Ran, Haitani Rindou, Hanma Shuji

a/n: So this is actually like a tokrev version of my old sakusa fic. This is also a result of me wallowing in pain from Taylor Swift’s new version of the whole Red album. Scenarios are inspired by the songs stated after their names ~

Content & Warnings: angst, break ups, toxic relationships, brief mention of sexual topics but nothing to explicit, cheating, lmk if I missed any! :)

Hanma Shuji

All Too Well: “Cause there we are again when I loved you so. Back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known. It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.”

Hanma lived a life of uncertainty. One which exposed him to blood, sin, pain, and crime. And you knew that. You knew that but you still chose to venture into his world with no intentions of changing him and his ways. Looking back at it, all you could remember was being so drunk and intoxicated by his words, his kisses and the feeling of his touch. It was a love so passionate but fast burning and you were smart enough to run before the fire could burn you bad.

You were the one thing he was sure of. The anchor he had, wherever he went and whatever he did didn’t matter because at the end of the day, he could come home to you. He didn’t know how he ended up so deep in his love for you. In a blink of an eye, you became his only weakness. He couldn’t care less about losing anyone and anything except you. He loved all of you. Yours was the love he felt was most genuine. The one he was certain would last him a lifetime. He loved seeing you get giddy over the simplest things like when he’d bring home food when he gets to come home early. When you’d shower him with kisses and thanks every time he came home safe. How you’d scold him a little while patching him up. It made his heart swell to know someone was worried about him like that. In his world full of chaos and temporariness, you were the one permanent and real thing that kept him grounded.

But when through his eyes he saw love and adoration, appreciation for your presence, with vision clouded by the love and happiness you brought him, he didn’t notice how much of you was being taken by being with him. Behind the kisses of thanks for coming home safe was immense worry and heavy anxiety, sleepless nights, bags under your eyes. When he saw relief and love while you cleaned his wounds, he failed to notice the little trembles you made while caressing his bruised body, the fear of seeing him that way over and over again. Too enamored with the notion of you, he forgot to look at you without rose colored glasses… until you’ve had enough. You’ve run out of love and so you left.

Haitani Ran

I Almost Do: “In my dreams you’re touching my face and asking me if I wanna try again with you… And I almost do.”

Having someone to run to, someone to call and love, someone to give words of assurance and comfort. You were lucky enough to have had Ran Haitani for those things. He never failed to make you feel loved. But now as you look at the empty living room, it’s been a week and his coat was still hanging from the arm rest of the couch where he left it last. His favorite mug on the dish rack, left for no one to use, his tooth brush still in your shared bathroom. Traces of him littered your place and you wanted nothing more than to call him and run to him like it was the easiest thing in the world. But every time you had your phone opened on his contact page, a tap away from calling him, you’d recall the disgust you felt. Betrayal, and pain when you opened your bedroom door to see him in bed with another woman. You threw him out faster than he could ever utter a single word and you haven’t seen him since. Sometimes you’d think about him coming back to you, begging on his knees for you to forgive him, and it scared you that you think you actually would. It’s taking all of you to not jump right into his arms because he was your safe space. The one you’ve grown familiar with, the man who knew all your little quirks and habits and accepted you for all that you are. But love can’t always be enough to be able to fix such rifts.

You hoped that someday you would finally not want to see him, not want to just let him back in… so you started picking up his things, stuffing them into a box. Bit by bit, you were going to erase him from your life. Definitely not now. But someday.

Haitani Rindou

The Last Time:

“This is the last time I let you in my door.” ; “This is the last time, I won’t hurt you anymore.”

Exhilarating. Being in a relationship with someone as spontaneous and outgoing as rindou made you feel alive. But you were just a sixteen year old doe eyed girl. You didn’t know better. Back then, all you knew was that rindou made you happy and loved and nothing else mattered. But things can’t always be so carefree. It was fun being high school students, sneaking out at night, speeding on his motorcycle across the wide roads at 2am.

“Rindou, we have to grow up”. You told him as he stood in front of your doorstep. Your relationship was centered around childish roots and as much as you denied it, the fact of the matter was that you both didn’t grow into two people who could see eye to eye anymore. Rindou missed you. The you who would gladly jump out the window to be able to see him. Now you had your own place and didn’t even have to sneak out yet you refused to join him in his wild endeavors. He missed the you who willingly patched him up after fights and gave him kisses to supposedly help him heal. But things were different as adults. Bigger risks, bigger consequences, more at stake of being lost. What he wanted to do could lead you to situations which could possibly get you in trouble. Situations you didn’t have the luxury of getting into now that you were a full grown adult. For the last time, you tugged him close, hugging him before finally letting go and closing the door behind you. Rindou walked away with a smile and a heavy heart. At least he won’t hurt you anymore this way.

[remcycl333]

you don’t need to be happy to be manifest!! but...

who doesn’t want to be happy?

(long post alert, sorry in advance lol. but please read it all the way through, i really think it’ll be worth it<3)

ok, to preface this, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. i’ve manifested great, positive things while i was in depressive episodes. i manifested wonderful things with tears streaming down my face. BUT, i think something a lot of people overlook is that it’s really beneficial to feel positively about your desires.

this is something i realized a few months ago, saw great results from, and then forgot all about and, well, stopped seeing the progress i wanted. but i’m back on track now, don’t you worry.

(i’m going to be using the example of my sp, bc that’s what i have the most experience with, but this applies to literally anything u r manifesting) 

i’ve made a few other posts saying pretty much what i’m about to say in this next paragraph, so if you’ve already read those, i’m sorry for repeating myself. just bear with me lol. 

so i came to a realization a few months ago--and i don’t exactly remember how i came to this realization--that i kind of...hated my sp? like i fucking resented him. and i was like, wait a minute, that’s not right. i love my sp. that’s why i’m trying to manifest him! so why do i feel like this?

i used to focus on manifesting in steps, so naturally the first step was contact. so i’d be affirming all day every day “my sp is texting me right fucking now😡“ (and other variations) and then when he didn’t text me, it’d just make me angry at him. but technically, he didn’t even do anything wrong?? sure he didn’t text me, but he had no clue he was supposed to? idk it was all complicated and weird. and then when i wasn’t mad that he didn’t text me, i was having arguments with him in my head, preparing for some weird fight that my brain just assumed was going to happen whenever we did get into contact. which is weird, bc my sp and i never fight. like, this is my ex. yet i literally cannot tell you a single fight that we have ever had. we literally get along perfectly. we have never fought (or even argued) once in all the time that we’ve known each other. yet my brain was always fighting him. and it was just, exhausting?

and so one day, when i was troubleshooting, i realized: rem, if you were in a relationship right now with your sp, would u hate him? would u be constantly fighting with him? god i fucking hope not! 

now, what would i be thinking? i’d be laying in bed at night, hugging my pillow, thinking about how much i love him. reflecting on how happy he makes me, how perfect he is, how good he makes me feel. i’d be thinking about how he is the most perfect boyfriend i could ever have asked for. i’d be content after spending a long day with him, excited to spend the next day with him as well. 

and during the day i wouldn’t be wondering why he wasn’t texting me. if anything, i’d be wondering why he was texting me considering we were literally hanging out, together, at that very moment! 

i would trust him. i’d be walking on cloud nine. i’d be content. i’d be...happy. 

now, in no way am i saying that you need to be happy 24/7, or dancing on air, or feeling intense butterflies in your stomach. you’re allowed to have other emotions. you’re allowed to feel anger, you’re allowed to break down and cry! you’re allowed to have bad days. but if you’re feeling these negative emotions about your desire, i want you to try your hardest to release them. i don’t think any of us want to have breakdowns over our manifestations and cry about them, but if it happens, it happens. just pick yourself up afterwards--or stop it before it even really begins, trust me, it gets easier to do this--and maybe do a few deep breaths to calm yourself down, and remind yourself why you’re on this journey in the first place. once again using the sp example, it’s because you love your sp. because they are perfect for you! they make you happy. you love their smile, their laugh, the witty conversations you have with each other. you love being in their arms.  you love when they’re in your arms! they did something that made you fall in love with them, or want to be in a relationship with them. what was it? focus on that. 

enough with the sammy ingram (i could go on a whole rant about her) style affirmations. with the “he’s going to fucking text me, he has no choice, he’s my fucking boyfriend and he does what i say.” like....ew?? i used to say shit like this, and it was really what started making me resent my sp. i was ordering him around in my head, creating this weird dynamic between us (which, he wasn’t even aware was there), and getting mad when he wasn’t doing what i was ordering him to do. looking back, it was borderline psychotic. it was just turning it into me against him, and that’s not what i wanted at all. i want to be in a relationship with him, with mutual love. i don’t want to be his boss, or his mom, or his fucking military sergeant!! (i don’t even know if that was the proper term bc fuck the military, but u guys know what i mean lmfaooo)

(disclaimer if u use these types of affirmations and they work for you, go for it. but i used them for a while and they just weren’t it for me. carry on)

i guess what i’m trying to say is, those affirmations weren’t making me feel good. they weren’t making me feel like a “boss ass bitch”. they were making me feel...like a bitch. and strangely, powerless. i’d say these affirmations, or just bland ones where i wasn’t necessarily demanding my sp to throw himself at my feet and kiss my shoes and tell me he is nothing without me, and ultimately, if i wasn’t feeling resentment, i was feeling...nothing. 

once again, i want to make this so so so clear, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. but my belief? if your affirmations aren’t making you feel joy, or excitement, or contentment, then what’s the fucking point? if you think of your desire, and don’t feel positive feelings about it, then you might have lost your way a little. 

don’t worry!! it’s an easy fix. easy, and even...fun? rewarding? comforting? i just want you to take some time--laying in bed at night is the perfect time to do this in my experience--to think about why you want your desire so badly. do you want money? think of how great life is going to be once you have it. of all the stuff you’re going to buy, for yourself, and maybe even for others. don’t focus on the problems you want to fix with it right now. think of that clothing item you’ve had your eye on, or that book you’ve been wanting to read but haven’t felt like “wasting” money on. think of how excited you are to buy those things, because you’re going to! think of the good. not the bad.

remember: you create more of what you focus on. focus on the good, get the good. focus more on the bad...get more of the bad. 

your manifestation is done. it is created. it is on it’s way to you. it is here! all there’s left to do is feel excited. it’ll be here any moment now, how fucking exciting is that! it’s safe for you to be happy. it’s safe for you to focus on the feelings you would have if you had it, rather than focus on affirming specifically to bring it to you. it is safe to be happy. 

i used to affirm solely for contact, all day every day, and sometimes i’d get it. but it’d be short lived, my sp would be distant, etc. but then once i started focusing on truly living in the end and basking in my love for my sp, thinking about how perfect and amazing he is, i not only got contact (without having to specifically affirm for it), but he was actively engaged in our conversations, making up new topics to keep the conversation going, asking me about and expressing interest in my hobbies and interests, bringing up and reminiscing on old memories of our previous relationship, complimenting me, flirting with me, asking me to hang out, etc. shit i was not getting when i was “he is so fucking in love with me and he’s texting me right fucking now”-ing all day long. i started focusing on how amazing and perfect and good to me he was, and that’s exactly what i got in my reality. who would’ve thunk? 

and you know what? yeah, he fucking loves me. he misses me and he wants to be with me. but that’s a given. but that doesn’t fucking matter. i am the only person who matters in my reality!! sure he loves me, but do i love him??? that’s what the universe wants to know. that’s what truly fucking matters. the universe brings me my desires. so i’m gonna fucking desire it! 

guys, please trust me on this. just try it out, with whatever you’re manifesting. this could be what you’re missing. this could bring your manifestation to you. i promise, if you’re like i was and feel resententment or anger or hatred towards your desire, this is going to make you feel so fucking good. just stick with this for a week or two. i promise, you’ll see movement.

and remember, there is no one to change but self. don’t change them (or it), change your perception of them (or it). 

let’s make manifesting fun again!!! it’s the perfect tool to bring happiness into your life. so fucking let it!!!! 

so no, you don’t need to be happy in order to manifest. but....maybe, just maybe, prioritizing your happiness isn’t such a bad thing. i mean, who doesn’t want to be happy?