#and i feel like nobody likes me bc im weird and annoying and ugly

[actual-corpse]

Just watched a youtube short that was about in school suspension (ISS) and, like, got hit with PAIN. Visceral pain.

My Pre-8 school had what was called In School ISOLATION (ISI), and nobody seems to know wtf I'm talking about (like, even in high school the kids who didn't attend my pre-8 were so confused)...

We were sat in a dimly lit room, darkest room in the whole school building, in tiny cubicles, barely big enough for a child, facing the grey cinderblock wall. In dead silence.

Upon entering, you were given two packets. Some bullshit Boomer psychological questionnaire making you reflect on the actions that lead to your being in ISI. "Why am I here?" Was at the top of the packets in bold typeface.

After you finished the packets you were then given some busy-work that was related to whatever was being taught in class that day.

You couldn't do your homework in there.

You couldn't read.

If you finished your work for that day, they just found some other busy-work to give you.

The ISI monitor was a real bitch... like.... even kids outside of ISI called her a (child equivalent of the word) bitch.

Does this make sense?

Does it make sense to do this to CHILDREN?

[tonycamonte]

[darlincollins]

darlin and david hcs

(first section is platonic, second is romantic au!)

they're both introverts surrounded by many extroverted people so i imagine sometimes at social gatherings they'll just briefly recharge in a corner and sit in silence next to each other like 😐😐 and that's their bonding time

the emoji faces are not entirely accurate though because they both definitely have RBF on another level. any time they sit next to each other they look like they're kids in trouble waiting to speak to the principal- darlin is slouching against the wall going >:/ at something across the room and david is sitting with his arms crossed like >:| but they're just hanging out! having fun watching the chaos even!

speaking of which i imagine on at least one occasion these two did end up in the principal's office for fighting- someone else started the fight, darlin finished it, and david jumped in to help them. after they both get dismissed david is chewing them out and darlin asks why he even got involved if he disagreed with what they were doing- david just goes 'because >:(' and refuses to say more (what 'more' is may depend on platonic vs romantic situation)

extreme antagonistic energy but in a funny way- once they're closer i think they snark at each other a lot in a good-natured manner

i know they weren't super close before but they both strike me as very observant people so i think both of them remember more about the other than the other person thinks they would- one of them going 'do you still do x?' or 'oh, that's from y, right?' and the other person is surprised they were even paying attention back then

also though the delicious angst of them also. Not really knowing each other anymore...

this is a very involved hc i have so i'll keep it brief but angel finds an old monopoly board in the back of the closet at a pack hang-out and there's giant claw marks on it- they show it to everyone and ask what happened and suddenly asher is choking on his drink, milo vanishes from the area, and david and darlin are glaring at each other until darlin goes 'i don't know, david, what did happen?' and an argument ensues- the upshot is that gabe once had them all over for a friendly game night and things got ugly when someone cheated at monopoly (but nobody will confess to doing it)

idk if they've ever hugged before but i think it would be so funny and they'd both be so weird about it- im imagining david kind of awkwardly going in for it and darlin going 'lmao what the fuck are you doing', making david both flustered and annoyed while darlin clowns him until he's finally like 'SHUT UP IM GIVING YOU A HUG DAMNIT' and they have the world's most awkward hug (bonus points if darlin has to stand on their toes for this)

in my very self indulgent au where darlin and david are close friends they would make. SO much fun of him for being ~in love~ after he meets angel like nuclear level teasing... but one day...

david:

darlin:

david: so... 😏 sam, huh?

darlin: NOT ONE FUCKING WORD-

and they never live it down, rest in peace LMAO

whenever they play smash darlin plays jigglypuff bc it annoys david, which is also why they always agree with angel when angel and david are having a debate about something silly... darlin at all times: 'i wasn't listening actually but david is wrong'

--------------- ROMANTIC AU ------------------

running theme for them i feel like is 'things i didn't know how to say but wish i had'... literally zero communication braincells in this relationship they are both just staring at each other going 😡 because how DARE the other one stand there looking like that... the pack is so close to locking them in a closet

anyway this is both funny and angsty because on david's part he's thinking maybe if he'd said more or done more darlin wouldn't have gotten so distant and for darlin they're thinking if they'd just been able to connect with anyone or admit they needed help none of this would have happened and BOTH of them are also deeply repressing their feelings because they think they missed their shot

kitchen dates? no, kitchen WARS. i hc darlin can cook, they simply choose not to- anyway this combined with them sharing a somewhat competitive nature means one day they're watching a cooking show and darlin goes 'this is dumb i could do that' and david is like. 'no you fucking couldn't these are professional chefs-' anyway they have very fierce competitions trying to imitate these shows but darlin always tries to sabotage david, thereby derailing the whole process because he has to teach them a lesson ;)

lmao actually i think many of their favorite activities involve competing with each other... david teaching darlin how to play video games and their household becomes a place of war every so often

they are still not great at communicating oof... they're both so used to carrying everything alone that they don't really Get at first that now there's another person there to help them and they also are terrible at vocalizing their emotions so it takes them both a while to get things out BUT they're working on it together!

darlin also wants david to take breaks more often but they're less likely to make plans with asher and milo and more likely to just. Tackle david and refuse to move (and then call asher while laying on him)

david also voted most likely to show up at darlins work with food because he knows they didn't bring any and also to every so often just put a glass of water in front of them and glare until they drink it

[pastelslytherin]

SORRY I WROTE AN ENTIRE AUTOBIOGRAPHY BUT THANK YOU SOO MUCH!

Also I'll reblog on my main! It's just in case the matchups are actually closed or sum I don't wanna seem stupid on my main acc 💀 THANKS

Ok so I want my matchup for Attack on Titan 💪🏼

As for age range, keep it as people who were in the 104th! Aka teenagers lol

I'm male and bisexual but I sort of have a preference for men

I'm tan with brown hair, uhh ngl I'm pretty short 🗿I mean I'm still average but on the shorter side, I just gotta be honest here 😬 LMFAO but I don't think I'm ugly though, my eyes are dark brown and I think I have nice eyebrows?

As for my personality: ok so I'm ENTP and yeah I'm pretty loud, people say I'm funny and I hope so, I love going to big parties, I HAVE VERY MUCH FOMO (fear of missing out) and therefore ALWAYS involved in some sort of fight on accident 😂😂 some not-so-good traits I have would be I have seperation anxiety WHICH ISNT BAD just can probably get annoying for others. I want someone really understanding. I can have a bad temper, but I don't take it out on my friends, more so I get into problems bc of it! I kinda want someone who can calm me down for that 😅

As for hobbies: LOVE COMICS, VIDEOGAMES (story videogames only), I LOVE DRAWING, I actually really like watching wrestling as well 😄, AND I LOVE DEBATE (friendly debate ofc).

Also I'm really good at any musical instruments cause I've been playing the viola for 9 years 😶 so yeah people ask me for answers for music class

as for likes: I love tacos, pizza, donuts, parties, having philosophical discussions on the kitchen counter at 11:00 pm very strong on that actually

I really like people who are good listeners! And who are, god I hate using this word, but uh geeky? UGH I HATE USING THAT WORD!! but yes people who are into comics and videogames and all of that 💪🏼

Dislikes: READING GODDD I HATE READING IM SORRY I LOVE COMICS AND GRAPHIC NOVELS BUT GOD NO I HATE READING

As in people, I really don't like rude people, ik that's kinda basic but I really don't. I also don't like (in a romantic way, I love these people as friends) overly smart people or overly dumb people, WHICH IS MEAN but like overly smart people make me feel dumb, and overly dumb people I can't trust to help me with homework 😶

And yeah I'm currently a student but I plan on becoming an occupational therapist (aka kinda just someone who works with kids who have a disorder I have and struggled with growing up 😅)

Love languages: I love both quality time and physical touch but also appreciate words of affirmation. I feel like I just ruined the whole point of this since I said everything 💀

But yeah in general quality time is my favorite to both give and receive! Like when you're together and just having a good conversation alone?? My favorite thing! Especially if it's in the kitchen at 11:00 Pm

But yes I want this matchup to be romantic, and for anyone I don't want...again just nobody old and not Mikasa ONLY CAUSE SHE REMINDS ME TOO MUCH OF MY SISTER 😂😂😂 IT WOULD WEIRD ME OUT LOL

THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN IM SO SORRY FOR WRITING MY ENTIRE LIFE STORY LMFAO ITS A BAD HABIT I NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING LOL

Hello lovely anon! You assure you that you’re perfectly fine! I appreciate all the details of your request :) I hope you’re having a wonderful day!

Also, I’m so sorry this actually took forever :,D I had trouble picking and choosing characters because I feel like you can get along with A LOT of people. 

I match you with..

JEAN KIRSTEIN

Jean would match your energy and your tastes so well. He’s your natural one-up for parties, and the two of you could share a brain cell, for better or for worse. You’re both very sociable and can have rather intellectual and philosophical thoughts. He can seem like a hardass at first glance, though he has a huge soft spot for you. If anyone picks a fight with you, you know he’ll have your back and won’t hesitate to throw some hands for you. He’s a bit rough around the edges and can be crude in calling out someone’s BS, but he’s fiercely loyal and protective for you. 

He really loves spending time with you, and he’s very adamant about including you in group outings. It just doesn’t feel the same without you. He’s a super romantic guy, but he would definitely try to act cool about it, even if Connie and Sasha are ragging on him in the background. He’d be a bit quieter when it’s just you and him alone, but that’s just because he’s very comfortable with you. He can say anything that’s on his mind, and you can do the same. Overall, your relationship is very exciting, energetic, and communicative. 

Headcanons:

Like you, Jean loves a good conversation and would love to challenge you in debates. He’s good at coming up with counterarguments so the exchange can just keep on going. You could spend the whole day having a theoretical debate with each other and not realize it. Sometimes, your voices could escalate to the point where it sounds like you’re ARGUING arguing, but you and Jean are really just having a very passionate debate.

Jean thinks he looks good playing string instruments, but he’s not that knowledgeable in music. He usually comes to you for music tutoring, though he mostly likes it because he can hang out with you.

You’ve made a habit to have taco/pizza nights with Jean. It’s not the most “romantic” date, but it’s absolutely perfect. You usually take turns paying for each other’s food and try a different kind of taco or pizza everytime. If he notices you’re feeling down for some reason, he’ll surprise you with a donut. 

Behind all his grandeur, Jean can be very soft and quiet with you, as mentioned before. While he’s listening to you talk, he sometimes just brushes a knuckle along the frame of your face. He’s also really tall, so it’s easy for his eyes to just wander down to you. 

Late night talks with Jean are the most intimate. You two are just alone in the kitchen. Jean is probably cooking omelettes for you to impress you, while you sit on the counter and talk about anything. Sometimes you may talk about the grey areas of morality or you may talk about the characterization of some heroes and villains from video games or comic books. He mostly listens to you, but he’d also give you an honest answer of what he thinks. 

He really loves that you spend time with him because it makes him feel appreciated, and he feels energized being with his loved ones. Though, he would notice if you feel anxiety of being left out, and he would be quick to address it. He does everything he can to understand you and to make sure you also feel appreciated. 

Other potential matches:

Bertholdt Hoover

Pairing with Bertholdt for you is almost like when opposites attract. Your more extroverted and outspoken personality compliments Bertholdt’s more introverted and quiet personality, and you both tend to favor quality time. He would be so happy to just be near you, albeit he can be shy about it. He’d honestly be quite starstruck and amazed by your outgoing nature, and it takes him forever to talk to you. He likely shares some of your niche interests in comics and videogames, which he would have a lot of thoughts and feelings on but he doesn’t share them openly. He’s not at all confrontational for debating, but he does have a lot of introspective thoughts and is extremely observant. He can be a calming and gentle presence for you, especially when you might need reassurance. He also has perfect hands for hand holding, and the utter height difference is really cute. He would be one to truly appreciate and admire you and your goals.

Historia Reiss

She’s a very thoughtful person and can round out some of your rougher edges, and she’s super encouraging and supportive of you. She usually settles fights before they happen, and she’s the type to stick by your side no matter what happens. Surprisingly stubborn, she would also call you out on your temper and would be there for you to help deal with your temper. She might not be as extroverted as you, but she loves a good party, especially if it’s with you. She’s an attentive listener and would be genuinely interested in your perspective on things. You could hold a conversation forever with her, and she would ask questions to keep your train of thought going late into the night. She would also be a big fan of your artwork and drawings.

———

I hope this was alright!

Please look over this post before submitting a matchup request :) Thanks!

[funny-house]

huhu u got me to watch opal the other day since u keep talking abt it and im glad bc i Really Enjoyed It but !! anyways , i saw u mention mirror man doing makeup for someone and i keep thinking about it so Thoughts Incoming sorry in advance lmao. i think he would like to do claires makeup (and teach her abt it in general) when she gets a bit older,, both bc it seems like a legitimate hobby he would enjoy (i imagine if he werent Like That he probably could have been a makeup artist or something similar!) and bc he would like to ‘prettify’ her a bit.

and ah well,,, a lot of parents Like Him sometimes try 2 make their child a carbon copy of themselves or of an image they enjoy so if he grew to like claire more or already does like her enough for that (or just, wants things to revolve around him More) hed try to nudge things in that direction. and in his own way i think He might think hes doing something good, he knows when he was her age he would have killed to have a parent so eager to help him learn makeup and stuff but. claire isnt him. she probably isnt even interested in it at all but shes kinda desperate for Nice Moments and also doesnt wanna risk making him angry so she goes along with it. she always has her head in the clouds so all the things hes saying is too much at once but shes trying to comprehend it,,,,,

nd he keeps giggling at her for how awkwardly she moves her arm when putting on foundation and blush nd gets kind of annoyed with her for repeatedly flinching when he tries to help her with mascara nd teases her a bit for trying to taste the lip gloss (and keeps pointing out a flaw or two on her face “well, youve always had a sort of weird shaped face but youve always had the cutest little smile, its like Mine :)”) but they do it !! together !!! and nothing (that) bad happened !!!!!! so claire is happy,,,,,,,,,,, until that inevitably opens the gates of him trying to pick out what she wears for her and “””suggesting””” hairstyles for her and getting manipulative and even flatout Angry when she doesnt do what he wants her to (bc even when things Seem like theyre about claire they Are Not, its what He wants for her , in the end its still all about him) but, ive rambled enough to you already <:o) sorry for talking so much i just wanted to chat a bit abt opal with you !!!! hope ur doing well hehe . and im sorry this is rambly nd probably incomprehensible i just did a lot of work hkehri

ohhhhhhhh !!! FIRST  I am super glad that all my constant rambling about this man has allowed you to go watch Jack Stauber’s awesome little short, it’s really good and deserves all the support !!!

also i totally appreciate you wanting to share your thoughts with me ;u;

AND I TOTALLY AGREE  the whole idea of him projecting himself onto her, trying to take over her, I think that is so fitting for the short itself tbh, because it’s a reflection ( mirrors, hehe ) of what the mother wants from Claire as well. The thing that terrified Claire near the end is the mother reaching to hold onto her, specifically after the mom said that she was going to become just like her. The idea of her becoming her parents? it terrifies her, clearly!!

And Mirror Man, he is what they call a “archetypal narcissistic abuser”, in my eyes at least,  and it would be really really common to see someone like that not only be so controlling and self absorbed that they treat their child like a decoration to themselves, but also use that child, especially as they get old enough to have opinions on the situation, to turn them against their partner-- such as.... the mom

so picture this

Claire is like 10-12, and she’s bright and she’s got a good heart but she’s WELL and truly Affected by the years of being brought up in that ridiculously toxic hell hole-- I mean house no idea if the grandpa would live that long uhhh in his state, but even if he does, he’s still very sick, disabled, and senile and he isn’t going to be much help. and Claire, she’s starting to have Opinions,, on how things are running around here,,      but in swoops Mirror Dad

He’s like........ it’s your mother’s fault. Oh, absolutely, have you seen her? I mean look at her, she’s disgusting. she’s a drug addict, she’s a drunk, she’s ugly, she’s the reason you feel like this-- and maybe some of that is understandable, i mean she’s a real mess of a mom, no mistake, but hey

Nobody’s going to tell Claire who made her that way! Nobody’s going to tell her Mirror Dad was the one who trapped her in an unloving, possibly violent relationship, with a kid, and ripped apart every inch of her self worth !!!

Nope. she just sees the aftermath. So mirror dad...... turns claire on her. And she starts to side with him on things and she starts to even kinda talk like him maybe even....... learns how to do that dark and scary insecurity voice of his and one day She walks by the.... Reflection Chamber and Mirror Man is there in that way He Always Is in that seat he always sits in, and he says something very very odd to her!   he raises a finger and curls it in and says    come sit on my lap you haven’t gotten too big to sit on my lap have you?? come here!! and i mean Claire is still very very uncomfortable even being near him, and this feels like a trap, but i mean she can’t just say no, and there’s a part of her that’s kinda hoping... maybe he really is trying to be nice. and so she does and she sits with her but you’ll notice he is never looking directly at her. Even as she’s approaching literally right in his line of sight, he stares straight into her reflection, never her face.  It’s like she’s not even real unless she’s in those mirrors.

And he tells her he wants to do her makeup! yay! how fun! and he tells her to close her eyes and pout her lips and try not to flinch when the sculpting starts or he’ll use his deep voice-- and how he’s going to finally FIX her. Goody!! then maybe the constant barrage of insults and negs and criticisms will stop!! (p.s. they wouldn’t have )

And so she opens her eyes..... and the face of her abuser is looking right back. It’s her face. Or it used to be-- now it’s literally his and it’s hideous-- it does not AT ALL belong on that body, and the only thing left of her is her big shiny eyes

and she  S C R E A M S that way Claire does,,,

but this time, loud enough to crack the mirrors, and stun the dad just long enough for him not to catch her in his hands when she leaps off his lap and books it for the attic the attic, the view of the billboard with the same worn out, not updated ad for Opal’s in the window. She locks the door, it doesn’t take long for mirror man to come banging on it, telling her she’s ungrateful, she doesn’t deserve what little she has, taking back every nice thing he ever said, etc,,,

and Opal just starts clawing off the makeup/clay/whatever from her face in the mirror’s glass reflection, putting her hair back into the pigtails her father said made her look stupid

but she isn’t Opal, she’s changed, she’s aged, but Opal-- she’s always the same!! happy!! cared for!! and what is she supposed to be under the makeup? huh? Who is she besides the abuse she’s put through, that billboard and what it sells to her?  she doesn’t know! nobody does nobody ever bothered to get to know what it even means to be Claire.

[collxpsedhexrt]

Matchup tingsss 🥺👉👈

just a warning i type this in a shit post format bc im too scared to talk about myself in a grammatically correct manner because i hate myself

huge note: my type is BIG w big ol shoulders and big and tall and did i mention big so yeah cuddles ok thanks bye i also updated a photo of me- bc i suck at describing my appearance

👀

👄

ok so anyways lets a gO

NOTE: i dont label my sexuality sorry idc who to swing for ion like swinging i like hugging thanks ok bye also im EXTREMELY mentally and emotionally unstable haha ok thanx 🥺😳💅

꧁𝙰𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎꧂

I am 163cm and 190lb (I am also very peculiar about knowing my exact measurements, height, and weight all the time?? Confusion???)

I am one pasty ass bitch despite being (excuse the lele pons moment) LaTiNa👁👄👁,,, I have very long warm black hair that is either wavy or borderline kinky curls no in between,,,, I have amber eyes and have FrEcKlEs everywhere but not like super intense,,, i could probably put a photo (and i will at the end-) bc idk how to describe my ugly ass morbidly obese bleached walrus headass face tbh??

Not to be an annoying basic bitch but i supposedly have an hourglass figure but im more plump so ig i have a more motherly appearance- idk tbh my body dysmorphia says i look like patrick star on my 600lb life so lets get poggers in the chat, tea?? tea sis?? who’d knock me tf up im ugly doe ahaha 👁👄👁

꧁𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢꧂

hngh i never stop apologizing- even if u knock me down multiple times ill keep going back to you and forgiving you, and thats on daddy issues

im an empath and like a lot of spiritual stuff like tarot and stuff,,, wont get too into it bc im inexperienced

GIFTED.CHILD.BURNOUT.

also bc i like gaming i can be “one of the bros” and tbh i LOVE being a semi-stereotypical jock-like gamer boy like “oHH YEASAH *crushes soda can on my head* GAMING TIME BOOOYYYYSSS” and i kinda forget im a girl sometimes bc i (gross warning) can like,,, burp wit da bois 😳👉👈,,,,

I am an INFJ-T (the T means im a shitshow!) and ion wanna get too much into my uh,,, issues w/ eating,,,, but basically lets say it causes a lot of dizziness on my end but like im still obese so its ok lol

also im like,,,,, the runt of the group like literally nobody likes me (at least thats what i tell myself aHEM-)

and also i have eXTREEEEEEEME trust issues like holy fuck nobody can catch a break

Oh shit wait i should say idk what i am in terms of sexuality literally nothing fits me ahaha but i am an afab female lady girl as far as i know bc im not currently in a safe place to explore these things, Jimbo!

also im so sorry for being messy im spacing things out so it can be an organized mess im so so sorry i love you anf thank you for taking your time to read this i love you and appreciate you!!

I am a libra sun, and a pisces moon and rising so that means im a crybaby bitch but to the third power (^3)

oh shit yeah im also a hufflepuff

basically i like to make everyone laugh and im not good with serious shit but when it comes down to it sometimes i can take on a maternal role when comforting friends but u will never get me to admit it..... wait-

꧁𝙷𝚘𝚋𝚋𝚒𝚎𝚜꧂

ART ART AND MORE ART OH MY GOD FUCK OH GOD OH FUCK SO MUCH ART- im specifically into the character design and i actually plan on going into game development in coolegg

👁👄👁👉👈

i havent sang seriously in like,,,, years tho bc my choir teacher kicked me out the choir bc my brother was having a life saving surgery the day of a performance anD I NEVER FORGOT IT KAREN. meaning ion let shit go like that bc im an insecure and emotionally broken biTCH

ok i love games- from little big planet, outlast 1/2, detroit become human, beyond two souls, TO OVERWATCH YES I LOVE YOU OVERWATCH, and aminal crossigng uwu

ok so anyways i mean yeah uh,,, i also like writing poetry sometimes and writing but im like yuri (ddlc) and cant help but be borderline pretentious with using over complicated words despite my shit grammar here lol

but yeah

i also live on a farm and i love taking care of my chickens duckies turkies andn pheasants mvmvmbm,,,, i lvoe themn,,,,fhfjdjd,,, OMG I USED TO HAVE GOATS AND GUINEA HENS BUT FUCKINGNG CORONA VIRUS MADE IT HARD TO CARE FOR THEM SO WE HAD TO SELL THEM AND HMMMMMMM ANGERY

but on another note i hav doggies and uwu!!! they v cute best dogeis ever 100/10 recommend these dogies,,,,

꧁𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚢 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜꧂

im a hermit and quarantine is just fun to me

I have a high pitched voice so my friends deemed me the god of anime voice thank u

But honestly i find my voice creepy, it’s as if my voice is ghostly and haunting. That’s in real life, but say we called on discord.... I’m loud and obnoxious but i always make people laugh, only when im on a call like that does my personality change so much.

im an amazing host tbh,,, “Hey- I have tea, coffee, coffee with foam, water, milk, juice, soda, and i could make you some food!” “Do you want some popcorn? Are you sure? Do you need a blanket? Would you like for me to turn on the humidifier?” I WILL SPOIL PPL ROTTEN WITH LOVE AFFECTION FOOD AND DRINKS GALORE

“hhnngh,,, maybe if im good enough of a host it will fill the void,,,”

oh also i have a weird accent bc im puerto rican

👁👄👁✨

UPDATE: ADDED LIKES/DISLIKES!!! and love tings

꧁𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎꧂

my love language is physical touch mainly but i can channel it through making food n stuffs uwu

I rarely if ever fall in love. but when i do, i crash hard. I become putty in the person’s hands, willing to take (metaphorical) beating after beating and insults and cruelty just for their love to be reciprocated. I become totally helpless and obsessive, memorizing their schedule and things they like. Treasuring every memory of when we can be physically close to one another, platonically or not... I become my “best self” and my performance rate drastically increases, but my mental state drastically decreases. I become horribly depressed and anxious, always making meticulously calculated movements and always showing that im willing to support them with everything.

I particularly have a thing for tall guys with big shoulders.

꧁𝙻𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜/𝙳𝚒𝚜𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜꧂

OK THIS IS UNDERRATED BUT I LOOOVE PEWDIEPIE PLEASE DONT HATE ME I JUST LOVE HIS HUMOR ANDN,,,,, 🥺👉👈

god i just- idk i have mixed feelings abt amberlynn reid bc obviously shes super hurt n stuff but shes done so much crap i just HNNGNHH,,,, ANGERY,,, but i show support sometimes but i aint ever giving her my money by subscribing

I also like (cue the angry mob) fnaf-

homestuck and harry potter r also LIFE

i dont like when ppl are egotistical unless theyre charming,,,, bc if theyre charming i 100% feed their ego.

i HATE when people do self destructive things (IM A FUCKING HYPOCRITE) like “NO- nO dont fRICKIN do that- BAD. here, let me make you some food...”

anyways heres that promised picture if this ugly mug

[tfw-no-tennis]

hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps 

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls 

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting 

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family 

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy 

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch 

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK 

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH 

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact 

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS. 

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought) 

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi) 

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh 

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute 

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father 

gon is so precious ;_; 

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint 

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways 

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent 

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm 

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood 

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite. 

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please 

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill 

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee 

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing 

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo 

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good 

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :( 

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes 

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls 

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope 

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force 

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua 

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow. 

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky 

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death 

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny 

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that 

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face 

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

 i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol 

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii 

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh 

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic 

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN????????? 

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family 

PREDICTION CORNER: 

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly 

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven 

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[dilfhakyeon-moved]

thoughts on each nct unit

oh thats a good one... ok this got so fucking long IM SORRY

nct 127 - i love them a lot they're obv my main fandom and as individuals they're breathtaking just like all of nct but... the line distribution is always terribly unbalanced with mark and taeyong eating up the entire song every single title track. moreover i definitely have a problem with taeyong's voice ( though that's not only in nct 127 ) and it really sucks because in baby don't stop he had sung lines and his voice was perfectly fine - they're obsessed with making him a rapper and they shouldn't ? he's a great vocalist, sm should acknowledge that more often. i get wanting more rappers but like if you're gonna have a rapper idk make it one of the boys who barely get lines like sicheng or yuta lol, even jaehyun is more of a vocalist than a rapper so making him a rapper is weird... johnny's right there anyway he needs lines too and i think he is supposed to be a rapper so. i really wrote a lot just for taeyong i'm sorry skshsjsb just a bit annoyed his actual skills get overlooked by sm even though he's nct's poster boy with mark.

we need ot10 back together soon but honestly having sicheng in both nct 127 and wayv was... a terrible move. very different units, both very busy bc they're focused on different marketing when it comes to who they want to reach, sicheng will have to sacrifice more than one nct 127 or wayv comeback to be with the other group that's promoting at the time like we saw with superhuman, wakey wakey, while he was with wayv for regular and take off ( even tho he got no real lines in regular... clowns sm ). it's just a shame sm can't even stick to their actual units and give them proper managing. also nctzens need to realise taeil & doyoung aren't the only vocalists, jaehyun is amazing and in fact so is jungwoo ? nobody ever talks about his vocals but he is... great hello ? i'm gonna waste so much time on hyuck rn so hold on.

the way sm won't acknowledge hyuck's vocal prowesses also bothers me. he's been improving a LOT and if your focus is on hitting high notes this boy can hit crazy high notes just like taeil, sm just won't give him the lines bc they're milking taeil's voice and that's all they use him for ( which i hate... i love taeil so much when will sm treat his artists right lol !!! ). he's also a great dancer but i think people forgot he was great because of his hiatus and like ok but he's been back for months haha. one last thing... let the members collab w/ artists who aren't jason derulo please n thank yooou.

now... to stop criticising sm's management for now... nct 127 is a great subunit. the members have real chemistry and work off one another very well, the unit remains diverse and the songs are PHENOMENAL. i don't care what anyone says about cherry bomb or firetruck it's just that people have bad taste i won't hear it. the visuals are always amazing, except johnny's wig in wakey wakey but that's in the past... i like the differences we see from cb to cb and yet it remains true to nct 127. you know which subunit you're listening to even with the contrasts and that's Cool, yeehaw ! i think i can shut up abt 127 now lmao.

wayv - TRANSCENDENT. seven members, not too few nor too many, the line distribution isn't too bad for once ( except regular but that's just how regular is i GUESS, also ten is definitely being favoured ), the main dancers get to show their abilities ( though i'd have enjoyed more centre time for sicheng in take off bc... that was really ten's song in all aspects lmao ), i don't know about the other wayv rappers' singing abilities but chill rapper lucas was a good pick. i'll say yangyang and hendery aren't too bad either ! xiaojun's vocals make a man dreamy ( i am a man ), kun... should get more lines hehe of course he should i love his voice and he just doesn't get enough yet. like i said they really favoured ten with their actual debut, looking forward to see how they handle the line distribution in the future. the management must be a bit different given wayv isn't only sm from what i understood ? it's a bit too soon for me to properly have an opinion on wayv aside from what i said about sicheng earlier and well, the line distribution and centre time overall. ten is my wayv bias but like, the others should still get some attention, they're not idols just to look pretty in the background lol.

nct dream - as individuals i LOVE them of COURSE i do... but this subunit's concept is a bit clanky to me. the whole graduating thing leaves a bitter taste in my mouth especially considering mark just graduated which means the 00 liners will graduate this year... all four of them... and hyuck hasn't even made a cb with dream yet. they'll probably introduce new members in the upcoming months but watching it unfold makes me worry about an nct dream with just chenle and jisung, now i'd love a song with both of them but maybe not as nct dream lol. thankfully they also hope they'll be able to have nct u songs as og nct dream which is what i was definitely hopeful for so it might happen, not yet but maybe some day.

sm made nct dream but everyone including nct dream got SO attached to the og unit it just feels like it can't work, especially since it's been three years and no new members have been introduced yet. it's been og nct dream up until december 2018, there had been no changes, sm just... handled this bad once again ? lmao. idk how to explain it but that sums it up ? aside from that i have nothing to say about the line distribution and all, i think it's handled pretty well on dream's side... even though the only dream content we've gotten this year was dnyl akshdjh. i love it of course but like it's not an actual dream cb so it's a bit... yeah.

and now the one we can all agree on,

NCT U THE BITCH

this unit has SO MUCH potential. it could be used SO WELL if the management wasn't done by sm. we could get the best bg content sm could put out without shinee and ot9 exo but we are let down TIME and TIME again. i won't even develop on that because i know everyone thinks the same so i don't have to do the maths for you skhsjsdjdhdj, this just gets me so Mad i hate sm's management so much. it's like they think that bc they've got the best artists out of the big 3 and so they can just do whatever they want and it'll pass but i can't STAND THIS holy fuck bring back f(x) you fuckin uglies stop clowning rv let suju disband at LAST do SOMETHING RIGHT

tl;dr the boys good sm bad

[jerek]

Let me fall in love with my own reflection for just a minute like let me be really annoying for 2 seconds bc i want to say some shit i KNOW sounds conceited but i have to say it

I’m still not over that “oh god nobody let this girl get on testosterone” person Because like.

Listen. Listen. To Me.

Do all of you REALLY think im in danger of lying to my therapist to get a letter for testosterone? Let’s be real, I could be Mega Masc and they still wouldn’t want me on that Gross Dirty Beard Sauce, because they think i’m cute.

For them, I’m a girl who would be so pretty if she wore makeup, a girl who would be so pretty if she’d get a pixie cut and stop wearing that mullet, a girl who’d be a ten if she shaved her legs and her armpits and wore a bra.

It’s because I’m Vaguely Curvy But In All the Right Places and I have a generic face, and a regular cishet girl voice, and I’m Such A Heartbreaker Its Such A Waste, How Could I Do That To Those Poor Men Who Must Be Fawning Over Me, but that’s only what people think in their subconscious.

People say it’ll mess up my body, but what they really mean is somewhere in that same vein as “why would you get a breast reduction if you were So Blessed naturally? what about the husband that i think you’ll eventually have but really only exists as a metaphor for what i think men desire of me?”

What, they think, are you DOING with your Good Body?

There are so many bodies I could have that would make life harder for me. There are so many traits that would incur judgement, so many wrong places to have curves, so many wrong places to have no curves, so many things I could be born with. And I wasn’t born with exactly everything I ~Should~ have but even and ESPECIALLY hell Mostly people who look like me or ‘better’ than me, i know they feel this way, and I can still hear that familiar refrain I once heard, playing out in the back of their mind:

“Well, you’re so pretty, and you’re not done growing, and if you were only my daughter...”

I’m not trying to make myself ugly. I don’t think my body right now is ugly, in fact i think it’s just as cute as you do, albeit for different reasons. I don’t think the body I might end up with is ugly: I’m not losing anything I valued, or anything i thought made me pretty in a way that mattered to me, whether it be the way gravity holds my chest, whether it be the smoothness at the edge of my jaw, whether it be all the hairs i don’t have on my arms or all the squeak in my voice.

I’m not trying to make myself ugly. Like a tattooed woman lancing words into her skin, I’m just trying to show what nature would otherwise choose to be invisible. I’m peeling back the layers that chance genetics made me wear.

I might have been a pretty daughter once, and i feel for all the therapists who wanted to be one when they were my age, but it was never something i wanted— only something I got used to.

If i could choose at birth, I might not choose to be a handsome boy, but i would certainly not choose to be a pretty daughter.

Even still, I want to be someone with brown eyes just a little darker than my mom’s, a bump in my nose bridge, with weird eyebrows that are too small and too strong at the same time, with my shaggy mullet growing out of my head just fast enough to give me a new style every month, with acne and adhd and autism and disassociative issues and a little more in front than in back because in high school they called my mom “overhang” and all that God gave me when he thought up his best OC, do not steal.

I’m not Pretending To Be Trans because i’ve got some rapid-onset Can��t Say I’m Cis syndrome, i’m not going on hormones because i think it’s cool, and i’m definitely not doing it to rebel against beauty in any way anyone might see it.

With all this stuff I’m happy with, with all this stuff I think makes me happier than a Pretty Cis Girl body ever could, with all this stuff i DON’T want to change, what’s a little testosterone on top of that?????? And if i don’t need it, well, who’s to blame if it makes me dysphoric but myself?

Nobody has to stop me being stupid. Nobody is responsible for my bodily choices. If you think I’m putting my mental health in danger, go ahead and let me.

And again, like ive said before, if you really think I’m hurting other people by doing this, you can go out and protest the laws that allow informed consent HRT. Neither that nor telling me i’m Secretly Cis is guaranteed to stop me, but I think deep down you know which one’s more likely to stop me.

[iliterallyhatethis]

Still thinking about sisters not thinking I can handle anything. It's frustrating to be here bc it feels like none of them know me.

Megan snaps at me pretty much everytime I open my mouth.

Robert is Robert. He continues to ruin everything.

I still can't come out to mom no matter how hard I try I just can't say the words out loud and it sucks and my heart hurts so bad I want to tell her SO bad but im still just so. Scared.

Sarah snaps all the time too and she also doesn't think I can do anything she just also things Megan can't either and im sick of this cycle tbh.

I feel like shit bc Megan and Sarah have certain things in common that just sorta put me in this weird doghouse where I live as the sibling that's too weird and gross bc she doesn't shave and embarrassing bc she's never dated anyone but who nobody would ever like anyway bc she's weird and gross. And it's like. I can't know that they think that. But some of it they just SAY to me and it's like.

I already don't feel like I could ever be loved romantically and I'm trying to find that value in myself bc it's there so can we stop please

Do we really need to constantly remind me that other ppl find me ugly and annoying and weird and excessive and every other negative adjective I don't want to name for fear of spiraling worse than I already am?

I've had to spend so long to feel confident in how I look and it's so hard to stay that way next to you two anyway so can we not add fuel to the self hatred fire? It's one I've managed to keep low for a LONG time for me, I don't have therapy rn and I'm living here with yall, I REALLY am not in a space to work on this in a healthy manor.

Idk I'm just. I'm this place to of like. Sarah brought up ppl being bad kissers and I just felt like shit even more bc here I am a 20 almost 21 yr old who's never kissed anyone and I know that's not really that abnormal but sometimes it really does just feel like shit. And it's this thing of like. 1. It scares the shit out of me for a plethora of reasons that will be explored later but hopefully in therapy 2.i wish I had just gotten it fucking over with already so it didn't feel like it was looming so much 3. I can't expect to be a good kisser when I've never done it before and I think that of everyone but I live with cruel ppl who think that's too nice a way to live and it pisses me off and makes a recluse a little bit tbh. I don't trust you guys and that sucks bc I. Love you you're my family. But I miss living with someone I TRUST it's only been 2 weeks and I miss Annie so much I iwhs I wasn't in this situation

[survivedeathvalley]

EPISODE 2 - “CHICK FIL A FOR EVERYONE, IT’S RAINING FRIES, HALLELUJAH!” - GABBY

I wanna establish myself as a strong force in this game. When people open skype web and remember they have to be active here I want them to think, "Oh I gotta deal with that bitch Misty too" And I intend on getting to the bottom of who voted for me... Paul [Kage]

Guess who helped start a new alliance! :) Basically Kat, William and I are part of a 3 person alliance called "The Chaos Crew". I feel fairly comfortable working with these two because they both said they were supposedly new to ORGs (don't 10000% buy it), also it would be in all of our interests to stick to a 3 person alliance to make sure that if in the case we do attend tribal we can at least tie if not be in the majority. 

I don't really understand this cast. They're really bad aliases. Yikes... I was talking to that one guy on my tribe with the normal-sounding name and I told him I didn't like making small talk because everyone is "fake". Then he said "I'm not fake! I promise". So I responded that it's not like anyone is fake in *that* way, but it's because of the alias thing... then he thought I was asking him for an alliance. What the fuck. Then he exposed to me that he's NEVER played orgs before and he's SO out of the loop, which might be true, but I don't want to take any chances. I think he's just bad at playing dumb.

http://imgur.com/j0q7pWl

I'm glad that Marco is gone, but I can't help but wonder who voted for Misty.  I hope she doesn't think it was me.  

chick fil a for everyone, it's raining fries, hallelujah!   I have to remember Sunday that I can't be working if I'm not around because Chick fil a does not run on Sundays, I can feel myself forgetting already. 

Misty and I want to work together for the long run, and I'm already scared I'm going to tell her too much info and she'll figure out who I am.  On another note, I noticed the viewing lounge the other day and I wonder if Issy is playing in this, because she's in the VL.  I'm pretty sure she hates me?  We played Arabia together and I lied to her a lot and blindsided her a lot and I think it would be SO FUNNY if we were working together in this, I almost feel like maybe she's Mattie? Thinking back she reminded me of Issy a bit. 

Girl Idk but if we lose I'm voting off the biggest threat in our tribe now that's the tea!

I want Paul out tbh. Me/Bianca/Gabby/Mattie alliance would be the dream. I wanna take control of this tribe. Idk what has gotten into me but I wanna be like Sandra in Game Changers. If we lose, I do plan on making a fake account for Paul and making some fraudulent receipts of him saying he wants Gabby out................... Whatever it takes, you know?

i honestly keep forgetting im in this game! rip me! and also like i think im gonna start impersonating karen so people think I'm her

Nothing has happened yet

https://youtu.be/xB5CQqqra0o

Ummm, so ummm, unmmm, I have no idea what tribal will be like tomorrow

Note to self: NEVER PISS LOGAN OFF.  <3 Paul has got to go, I liked him better when his account wasn't working.  Also I think I figured out who he is because he kept putting a different name instead of Paul when we were doing the challenge.  I don't know that person outside of this game though and can't remember what he said his name was to save my life.   I hope that maybe Misty, Bianca, Mattie and I can vote together to get Paul out of this game, his smart mouth is going to ruin it for all of us.  He was also the more pissy person towards Mattie when she was messing up.  And true, I was lowkey annoyed with her too but then she told us she had dyscalculia and one of my friends has that, and I could see how this challenge could be difficult for her. We should have started it YESTERDAY, i felt like suggesting it but I just... never did.  UGH, I'm so ready for a switch or something, Panamint is dropping like flies and I just hope I'm in a good enough spot to stay another round. 

This tribe is?? Interesting I guess. We don't communicate like at all. Nobody answers pms (including me) and when we do it's like very vague and messy. Alex sends haha every other word and it makes it very hard to see if he's serious or not? I like Jenny she seems cool hopefully we can work together but the rest of this tribe idk 

We just lost.. and of course I was the only one to NOT participate. I'm sure I'm on the chopping block, because at this point I'm pretty sure there's no inactives to hide behind. I'm still gonna push for Paul to go home though. Maybe not be as aggressive as I planned to be.. but I will try to make it work. I trust in Bianca and Gabby so hopefully they keep me safe!

So we lost. Which I expected. And I originally thought I'd be the target, since I fucked up so much we kept having to go back. But Tanner never showed up to participate and everyone has to participate so we lost for that reason instead. Which means that I'm a little safer than I was before, and Tanner is most likely going home. I hope. I'm kind of glad he fucked up tbh, because I think we would've gone either way and now I get to be safe.

Now this is the truth tea and I can't wait to see all my devious villains with me at merge bc it's obvious the other two tribes are stupid enough to actually win a challenge *giggles* 

https://youtu.be/BS93E9_5f1o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpsXJTPAOYE

I think everything is peaceful right now but I just hope everything isn't under the table and no one is targeting me.

Nobody wants to be the first person to throw out a name! It's so annoying! Nothing is happening! Wait, maybe they have an alliance *facepalm*

I dunno what I said last, but I think it was to the effect of I really suck at that flash game and I hope that the people on my tribe are better at it than I am. And... they were! They were actually a lot better than I was at it and I think one person (Alex maybe??) made up the difference of my failings https://media.tenor.co/images/9d06a86bdcd648c964e322559fdd3b80/tenor.gif We won the immunity challenge and avoided the first vote off of the season because that's what you do when you're immune I guess. Anyway, it looked like the Panamint tribe that did the worst decided to vote off their inactive player to increase their chances of success. I'm assuming this will be the strategy for most tribes moving forward anyway. https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/99/39/d8/9939d80aafd7f1217af815bd1f7ab42b.gif 

The reward challenge was the degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon thing that is always really fun - https://media.giphy.com/media/Ff2LmUUzZQAeY/giphy.gif I did the best I could at it so that I would look like an asset to my team... perhaps. Gotta plant those seeds that I'm of value so people will start inviting me to be part of their alliances and I'll become less likely to get the boot. We lost, but luckily it was just reward and then Kai went back to the Devil Hole to dig for an idol or something. So.. maybe Kai has an idol now? At the moment, I'm not too bothered because I don't think that I have given them any reason to play it.

Next challenge rolls its ugly head out of bed and I can see myself crying. I literally wanted to sit out of this one because I hate these types of challenges. They make my knees weak and my heart break. http://www.gifimagesdownload.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Disgusted-cute-gif.gif It's a counting endurance challenge... WITH A TWIST ™ because you can only respond with odds on odd minutes and evens on even minutes... and I wasn't online to ask to sit out so I get to help count!! Rather than um... being a flop I decided to OVER DO so that people will want to pull me into potential future alliances since these challenges are the opportunity to bond over the fact that you hate your life. https://media.tenor.co/images/12ef9945086f38f2b314cdd6206fa1dc/tenor.gif

This dude named Tanner who Kai and some other people keep calling Eddie (suspicious?? I dunno, nor do I care tbh.. just weird honestly) didn't participate in the challenge at all and has more or less disappeared. http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/shrg-1.gif While concerning because people disappearing is not necessarily a good thing, it has made the first vote an easy target. Our tribe needs strength and somebody that we can't rely on to play is definitely the opposite of desirable. Also! Fun facts! Alex and I worked really closely and very consistently on this challenge and we shared with each other afterward that we were each equally glad to have someone to rely on throughout the thing... and then Alex did some weird alliance pitching thing that made me slightly uncomfortable. They were like.. "We could be more ;)" and I was like... stop with the wink face and just ask if I want to ally with you. It's giving me creeper vibes. https://m.popkey.co/98eb3f/1xWo0.gif So we decided to form an alliance and to pull in Wash as a third so that we will be able to control votes moving forward. I guess that'll be something... assuming it sticks and is successful and all of the other permutations are fun... also, given Jenny's chaotic nature she's probably going to out this alliance the moment she gets to a swap so she can stab them in the back.

I feel bad for not doing reward fuck i might go home fuck this

https://youtu.be/H4LrsvmlSAA

Ok, so episode 2 in a nut shell... Kat, William and I started a 3 person alliance called the Chaos Crew which is kinda cute I guess, hopefully since there are 3 people in the alliance it will secure them as a number more. Then we had the reward competition which was the wikipedia thing and my type A personality legit did the entire comp for our tribe. I really wanted us to win and have a possibility of being sent to satan's asshole. So we won!!!! And we got an idol clue :) also I convinced them to let me go to the hole. I decided thatd itd be smart to send the same people as last week because itd put a larger target on their back and if they found an advantage it would at least be in a known area.  Basicalllllly, I found this cute Zirusikisisiaasdas Idol which works as a normal idol but also randomly gives another person protection, but my ass tried and tell most people that I found nothing (a rock). This is good for the most part unless it chooses the person I am trying to idol out. Then we had the reward comp which was the ugliest fucking counting endurance comp ive ever had to do. So basically, Giruga, Justin, and I did the majority of the competition even though I was on a fucking road trip on mobile so that was wild. Layla legit did little to nothing which made the entire tribe kind of mad, thus theyd be an easy vote in a future tribal probs. I think Giruga and I working on this competition and communicating during it made was a lot more beneficial for our relationship... basically I suggested that we made a good team in the comp and I was wondering if he'd want to work together and he said yes!!! So im basically working with everybody on the fucking tribe whew. We won immunity because we are the only tribe to finish it which has me shook, but that means we have a significant advantage going into a future tribe swap or merge :). I have feeling that next episode is going to be a tribe swap, but we will see!

I was told to make a confessional. Also I'm going to make an alliance so if I'm gone you'll know why.

So....we lost....again. But it's no sweat this round because I have my alliance with Gabby and Misty, which gives us majority. I love a good majority. The plan is to vote out Paul because he is literally a mess and a half. After that disaster is handled, we can hopefully move forward and not have to go to tribal again. I'm really praying that I can go to Devil's Hole again because now that I have my glow stone i have better chances of maybe finding something that could really turn my game around. But who knows? Only time will tell

I swear, i'm a good egg, i'm going to make a confessional whenever i'm asked to. :o) Okay so....  I just got asked to join an alliance with Paul and Mattie...  now I'm going to have two alliances, how exciting is this gonna be. Time to start making some choices and hope for a swap because someone is going to know i was playing both sides soon! 

Well fuck me with an Iron Dildo I think it worked!

If I go home this round... I just........... It doesn't feel natural. I GUESS it's my fault for not being on skype all day yesterday/today but? I was busy. Whatever. If I stay, Mattie better watch the fuck out. They think they can vote me out? Surprise bitch

EP 2 EDGIC: