#and i feel like ive been on the verge of a breakdown/panic attack since i got into my car this morning so like. grahhhhhahahahh

[cryptidapprentice]

genuine question: is it normal for me to have such intense negative moods the week before my period (+ its Super Hot) 🧍🏽‍♀️

[ralvezfanatic]

hi guys >_<

um so i've js been in this depressive thing since like.. November and ive been struggling to write and do a lot in general

my mental health has seriously been declining rapidly and i literally had two panic attacks on Monday and Tuesday and idk what to do

im really sorry, its been difficult for me to do anything, ive been so unmotivated and i feel terrible for not being able to finish even one request

im probably just going to take a small break until i feel better. I'll try to write but im saying im on break to put less pressure on myself and not feel as bad for not writing

i know nobody forces me to write or post, but it feels stressful for some reason, so its not helping my mental health

I've had this in my drafts a few days but finally posting because i feel like im on the verge of another breakdown so ya ^_^

[uwuowotf2waslife]

The mercs with an s/o who is on the autism spectrum? If you want to

 as a person with diagnosed autism( ASD that later changed to SCD but concidering my countrys lack of proper diagnosis and non-existant support when i was growing up, im not sure,it might was a result of chronic abuse or i was a really weird kid) its my duty to answer this ask,

always know that you are perfect with all your imperfections 

just because maybe your brain is wired different it doest make you less of a person

you are poetry

Scout

-my boy has adhd ( probably undiagnosed until he was examined by Medic) so you two might have a little problem at the begining.

-he might be the closest to a jack russel in human form, but he cares about you and is willing to sit down and do his research so he can understand you and your struggles. He isn’t a hypocrite, he is a hyperenergetic bundle of daddy issues and is sure he will annoy you from time to time, he annoys pretty much everyone except his mom on rare occasion, he is a hanfull and he knows that years now. But he also has come to understand that everyone has struggles and little things that make them more special than others.

-if you have problems with communication , he’ll be your mouth .Problems with sensory overstimulation? he will escort you to the safest place and hug you tighter than he thought hes capable of. People mistreating or bullying/insult you? the bat is in his hands and his ready to hit home runs on their balls. You might not be the perfect couple, you will struggle like every couple and have fights and arguments, but he is ready to phase every difficulty that comes on your way. He loves you and he is here for the ride even if its bumpy.

Soldier

-( I and i think a big part of the community claim he is actually autistic) Probably the most tricky of the mercs, since at one side he might completely relate/understand you and the relationship go smoother than soft butter on bread, or he might have problems communicating the relationship problems with you.

-as all relationships you two must sit down and communicate your problems. Believe me he isn’t mentally retarded ( a horrible misconsumption ive seen being thrown around), yes he is stubborn and can’t read social cues to save his life, but he is a loyal beefcake with a golden heart hardened by a lifitime of war. He knows he isn’t the perfect man, he has nightmares and panic attacks on the regualr after so much trauma in his life. But he also knows that if he S/O needs him, it doesnt matter if its a small or big thing, he is ready to go through hell and back to make them happier or more comfortable 

-you can’t stand loud noises? copy that privet, he will stop yelling/ screaming around you. Certain things make you uncomfortable/ anxious? hes at your side and he is ready to snap necks...you have his heart and his adoration, he ain’t a coward or a pansy, you’ll win over any challenge that comes your way like the absolute unit you are and he is there to assist

Pyro

-fresh from the start they can recognise you have autism, i lowkey think they might be ( actually in young adults asd and mild schizophrenia can be mixed and confused by not good qualified doctors, its been years since i read that study so correct me if im wrong) or have really good gut insticts. Either way, they know you are struggling and trie in subtle ways to help you

-did an important call without stuttering? hug and smooch on the crown of your head, completed all your work/homework? they will cover you in stickers and cuddle you in their pillowfort, stood up for yourself? my girl theyll make a huge cupcake tray and youll two will eat while watching sappy disney films

- you won’t struggle as much, i see them as more easy going than other members of the team. But they also have big issues that may create problems in the relationship that you both need  to work on. They are more than a handfull and they aren’t unaware of it, they spended years locked inside their own head doing god-knows how vile and harming things to their mentality and body, they can’t believe they are alive and they wake up every day next to the most beautifull human being they have come across their lif, ( Y/n). You will bond slow but strong , you are their sunshine and theyll make sure their sunshine shines no matter what they have to do

Engie

( lowkey i think is canon he has some form of high-functioning autism, just hide its behind the southern warm and soft hospitality)

- when you confess, he hugs you ( a big thing coming from him since i dont consider him a touchy fella)  and returns the confession that he is too. He knows each person experiences different so he won’t press you for explanations or description of what you have is excactly. He just assures whatever happens, he is there to help you with

- doesn’t really change how he views you, but he takes the initiative for things like talking to strangers, calling to order or things that you struggle with, but he doesnt baby you. You are an adult person and will be treated as that, even if sometimes he feels he needs to “help” or “protect” you

-one of the most  easy going of the mercs, but his work is his priority so there will be long arguments about it. He understands your frustation, but he is a workaholic years now before you came in his life and can’t bring himself to change that. His work is his routine, the only comfort he knows and the only place that accepted him for who he is. But, he will be more elastic and have more breaks/ days off even if it means the project will be finished an hour or two later, unless it has an urgent deadline. He knows he can be very cold and emotionless, he is an engineer, not a spy for that reason. Furthermore he has his own times when he is stubborns or has an anger explosion because something broke/didnt meet his expectations or got way too invested into something that turned to be worthless/ uselless so he isn’t the one to judge if you are in a sour mood or you have your own “ explosion”. After all said and done, late at night when you are both alonein his workshop he will just cradle you in his arms and make a silence promise to always be there for you through thin and thick ( as we say to go through 40 waves and 40 more ) because you are something that no machine or creation can emulate or recreate, you are ( Y/N) and you are the love of his life.

Demo

-arguably one of the three more knowledgable of the mercs in the topic of mental health department. Being raised in an orphanage i doubt he didnt had at least a dozen other kids who had from high to moderate to severe autism ( during the 20th century it wasnt uncommon for people with autism to be thought less human or that the family of said people couldn’t provide for them in severe cases so theyd be dropped on orphanages and psychiatric hospitals)., so he has some first hand experiene with what autism is. It isn’t something for him in all honesty, after so much trauma and hardship in his life he is at peace that peopleare different and their brains are rarely wired the same

-he also know he isn’t ideal, he acts really stupid when he is drunk and his alcohol consumption alone is a very big problem for any relationship he ever had in his life and i doubt he is the image of psychological perfection, but he also knows that if you are willing to keep him around you have seen him wasted out of his mind, he is more than willing to put up with anyof your quirks or difficulties.

-you want to stim? go ahead he’ll leave the room/the house so you can stim to your hearts content, you want to stay? sure thing lass, hell sit in a corner and drink a bit while you have your thing. Work/ school/ home life is stress full and you are in the verge of a breakdown? he has already wrapped you like a burrito and he is holding you while you cry/vent, you dont want to be touched at that moment? hell take you to an open field and you can blow things up to get all those feelings out of you. He isn’t ideal, he is at peace with that, but now that you appeared in his life, you became the apple of his eye. He’ll cherish you and protect you both as body but as a mind and a soul for whatever shit life throws at you, he was never one to back down a challenge.

Heavy

-due to the language barrier and his nature as a quiet man it’ll take him some time. If you bring it up he’ll simply nod and run to Medic or Spy for translation. He isn’t shy to do a doctors worth of research so he knows what he has to deal with, he knows his english is broken and would prefer to have a migraine over the amount of books hes read than make you feel uncomfortable. Probably will ask advice from Medic ( the most qualified on the team) untill hes satisfied he knows enough.

-probably the sanest of the mercs, but he isn’t perfection. He had to endure famine and death from very early in his life, always be the stone his family anchored on and most people on his life, so he has his own big problems. At one side he is used to so many things, he is somewhat indiferent. You aren’t harming anyone nor its life threatening, so it doesnt really change what he feels about you. All people have flaws, noones perfect and if they do think they are perfect, they are very, very wrong. I won’t lie to you, some times hell get confuse with your behavior or will get tired of being the “ anchor” of the relationship, but he will never admit it. He survived the Gulags and years in Siberia, this is nothing but a walk in the park for him. He isn’t a fuckboy, he doesn’t want you just for some fuck and then hell forget you exist, he is much more sentimental than he appears to be. He beginned this with you because he sees you more than a body, he sees you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with even if itll be a challenge, he was never a quiter and he wont be now.

- don’t expect much communication help from him, unless its in russian. But whenever you feel the tiniest bit of self-doubt or anxiety his arms are open to embrace and warm you with  his love. He might was raised among anarchy and war, but he is a gentle giant with a heart bigger than Russia herself. He knows you two will struggle especially on the communication domain but he is willing  to do what it takes to make your life easier/ less challenging. He came here to stay, only if you allow him 

Medic

-Arguably the most medically qualified of the mercs, but considering the era of his studies hes at least rusty on modern terminology and general understanding of what autism is. Nontheless his a doctor ( with or without a medical license) and i doubt he ever followed the rules of ethical and unethical medicine. He is a healer primeraly and he can’t claim to be the most mentaly stable of the team.

-he might be many things, he knows hes at least crazy by normal standards and has made extremely questionable choices in his life,but he cares for the people he is close to, lovers and collagues alike. He won’t try to ‘change’or ‘medicate’ you; unless you specifically ask him for, like yes he has defied any sort of ethical medicine and has played god many times in his life, but he knows that if he changes you, you won’t be ‘you’. You will be you still, but nothing more than a lobotomized version of yourself and he fears that. Let’s be real, he probably choosed you because you are a smart individual ( that includes both street and book smarts alike) so if he “killed” your smart he would essentially kill you and this doesnt sit well with him.

-feeling down? no worries, the doctor is here ( afterhe finis hes re-connecting snipers new kidneys). Stressed? Archimedes will be your own personal cheerleader and the rest of the flock won’t let you all stressed and alone while Medic is working. In the simplest of works,he wants you to know that  he might be a madman on the field and the medbay, but he is also your lover and that means he cares about you. He doesnt care if act a lil strange or you have some special things about you, guess what? he doesnt cares. H e never cared and he will never cared, all the greatest minds had something  special about them and you are no exception. He chosed to have a relationship with  you and you accepted the love request of a surgery-happy maniac , im sure he is beyond equiped to handle you in all aspects. He might not be the most touchy but he will make his point across that you are someone who means wayy to much for him to change

Sniper

- ( i highly think he is autistic, just the way hes potrayed in most fanfics he acts lowkey autistic, mostly in the communication and sociable part) growing up in the middle of nowhere probably he has never even heard ‘autism’ as a word , so his very lost. (another headcanon of mine is that he is also iliterate) You need to explain to him what autism is and how it affects your life. He has a non-pleasant expression on his face, because he realises most things that you say what that “autism”is and the thing it has are things he actually  has and felt throughout his life. He looks like hes having a religious expierience and when you are done he only nods and hugs you almost mechanically.

-he will need some time, not because ofyou, but because of him. You might think he is breaking up with, butin reality he just needs some time alone to sit down and think about all the things you said. Its one of the biggest revalations he has experienced on his life and it has hit him like a wall of bricks.

- after a few days he will return to the base and will ask you to meet with him on the most secluded of his snipers nest. While you prepare for the upcoming breakup, he actually showers and wears somet hing nice for the first time in a while. He goes out of his way to make the sniper nest a bit more “ comfortable” even bribe spy into giving him one of his fancy wines. Once you go up the nest and you two meet, he is the most clingy he has ever been and almost drinks the whole bottle out of pure anxiety. Once his tipsy enough he actually confesses that from the things you said, he found out hes also autistic. Que him basically clinging you like a broken koala baby while half-sobbing to expell all the tension he  has inside him. Please pet his hair and rub his back,he will melt and quit his rugged manly man persona for that moment. He needs you there, he needs your soft touch to ground him while his whole life comes crushing down and a weight he never imagined is being lifted from his shoulders.After that, its quaranteed you two won’t be seperated ever again, he needs you to ease all this pain he has gathered from his troubled life and he will provide you the world and the stars.

Spy

- he knows what autism is( as a spy he should know about human psychology/mental disorders just to know how to impersonate any person with or without issues) and he is a very observant man. He has above average attention span and knows how to read body language so he has figured you are autistic a long time ago. He is just waiting for you to open up about it or confess it, but he also knows the social stigma around autism so he keeps his mouth shut because he really doesn’t want you  to feel uncomfortable or ‘naked’ in front of him

- i heavily headcanon him to be at least depressed/having an ugly anxiety disorder or even a dissosiative disorder considering a big part of his life is carefully crafted theater , so he can’t say he is any more better than you.Furthermore he never really cared about what society thinks about mental ilnesses, whos here to judge who sane and not? he has seen so much shady things behind closed doors of “ pure” people he has lost all respect for what society thinks its normal and what is weird or not acceptable. Yes he follows the rules of “good” society but thats more of a habit than a need. Plus have you seen what the good ol’ society behind close doors? yap youll need a good bible study and some church to wash away the sins.

-eventually when you confess to him,he doesn’t really act. He knows its a heavyemotinal moment for you but he can’t open up for his own problems, at least now. But he will embrace you for now and say all the sweet words you need to hear...untill the same time he gets drunker than he can and confesses to you in french all his psychological troubles while he cries on your chest. He won’t let go unless he wants to vomit and he will cling to you for dear life while he experiences one of the ugliest meltdowns he has experienced in the last decade. Probably will wake up with a monster of a hangover, but once he feels you wrapped around him and feel your heartbeat on the bones of his back something will meltin him. He will gather whatever strenght he has, turn around, give you one of the most genuine smiles he has ever given in his entire life and peck your lips bore he starts whining and requiesting you to either kill him or fetch medic. Perhaps one day hell say all the things he wants to say in you mother tongoue but for now, just know he will cherish you and love you like the most exquisite poetry that has graced his life

[startledbirb]

.....

[prestisssimo-tempestuoso]

Yo, are you ok? Anything we can do to help or does venting to us help enough? But yeah the "you're an adult now!" thing kickstarting anxiety makes sense, I mean I got a bill for college for the first time and I almost had a panic attack so. You're not alone???

hahaha oh god my college days (strange to say this, to admit that it is now behind me) were just basically a constant never-ending queue of one panic attack after another, triggered by the smallest things and honestly im still not over it. i think we’re supposed to approach these things positively, think of them as markers of progress (not that ive ever gone to a therapist), but in reality it’s very difficult to treat them with that attitude, isn’t it?

thanks for this message, btw, and yeah, venting on here does help a lot. im surprised i still have followers at all lmao. it’s just, all night ive been hyperventilating and on the verge of tears ever since i got off that phone call, and ive just been trying to distract myself via shows and youtube videos and stupid gacha game content and it’s working very very slowly.

i don’t understand why some Adults feel like it’s necessary to say that kind of thing to you at all. ive come to the tentative conclusion that it does nothing except stoke their own egos. look, we’re trying really hard, okay, we’re new at this whole life thing. we don’t need you to remind us of the things we’re supposed to be responsible for now, it’s hard enough without you heaping expectations on us like this is a test and we’re school children. we’re adults, making our own decisions, ruining our own lives. i understand that we’re responsible for more than ourselves now, but it’s hard enough without your constant need to remind us to Perform, Or Else. because that’s what these “you’re an adult now“ speeches are, basically. they’re ultimatums, and they really serve no purpose except to make the speaker feel good and the listener feel belittled and inadequate and panic-stricken. is this really so hard to see?

so yeah. basically did nothing productive tonight except trying unsuccessfully to wind myself down from this whole mini-breakdown. you know. just another saturday night. oh well.

these messages really help distract me too. don’t feel pressured or anything because i promise you i can talk into the void all day by myself, and that helps too. but i wouldnt mind if someone wanted to send me thoughts about a shared hyperfixation or recent show or something like that. but and im ashamed to say this but im horrible at responding to people in a timely manner. but i’ll see it and i’ll love you.

anyway, congratulations on beginning college! hope online classes aren’t too hard on you if that’s what your university has decided on doing. personally i find that some classes are even easier when it’s conducted through virtual meetings, while others...not so much. but at least everybody is in it together, including the professors, who’ll usually be more understanding considering the situation at hand. it’s a very strange world we live in now.

[mismasereti]

I'm always conflicted when someone asks me "good news or bad news first"?? Anyway what does it matter. The good news is I'm moving houses with my sister wife and boy I'm I excited,its warm and cozy, I love it.The bad news is I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown,ever been on a roller coaster?? Well that's exactly where I'm at right now,only difference is I feel like I don't have a safety belt on,so I'm bound to fall off any second now, forgive me dear reader if I sound pessimistic this time round but I'm on the road to depression with a touch of anxiety and constant panic attacks and if that's not dreadful enough I feel like im draining and causing havoc to everyone around me with my relentless hunger for negativity ,take for instance I kept my roommate up till 1.00pm last night ranting about God knows what!! And just this morning I got my sister into an altercation that had absolutely nothing to do with her which agitated her during lent season!!Even heaven knows that's foul,I could go on and on but I'm sure you get my concern when I say I'm overburdening and sucking the energy out of everyone I get in contact with simply because I'm in a direful state of mind .I must admit the emotional support Ive been getting since I was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety is amazing, but it's only fair to acknowledge when you are toxic and take a step back !! It's inconsiderate of me to converge my instability on people and Im scared that if I keep doing this people I love will end up detesting me or worse cut me off completely and worse case scenario I end up alone and miserable.

[mc-dankenstein]

yup here’s another vent post it’s not really like last time where i was basically in the middle of a fucking breakdown but there’s just too much pent up shit i need to figure out and deal with and i feel like i’m going insane?? uni is literally sucking my will to live from me. or, well, what was left of it i guess. like, i knew it was gonna be bad, but it’s just so much worse than i could’ve ever imagined?? btw this is just gonna be me dumping out all of my stupid problems and pretending they’re valid when in reality they’re just so insignificant compared to what so many people are going through so please just stop reading, i’m not in the mood for sympathy or ppl trying to “make it better”, i know your intentions might be in the right place cause i truly have found some wonderful friends here who i know care abt me, but i cannot find it in me to try and pretend something’s better because of our conversation rn, nor do i have the strenght or the time to actively try and make it better myself. i’m just ranting to get this shit out. of. my. system. bc i feel as if i’m gonna explode otherwise. things are not good. i’ve been crying a lot more and a lot more frequently again, i’ve been having attacks and i’m once again feeling super fucking anxious all the time. i can’t talk to my family about it, i can’t talk to my friends about it, bc the result is always either them telling me “it’s normal” or me bursting into tears out of fucking nowhere and i can’t let them see that. ive been studying nonstop for months now to the point where i can’t sleep properly anymore cause the only things going through my brain are a countdown to my next exam i’m probably not gonna pass and the thought i could at least use the time i’m wasting by trying to sleep to study more. and like everybody’s been telling me it’s okay, no one passes exams on their first year anyway, but we all know that’s not true. even my mom’s been trying to be supportive in her own way but i know it’s just her trying to make me feel better when she’s actually so fucking disappointed in me, she’s always been, especially since i started manifesting all my stupid anxiety symptoms i’d been trying to hide for so long, even if she tries not to show it i know i’m just a disappointment to her. she’s been calling me to ask me how i’m doing and to tell me to relax a bit in between study sessions and each and every time i’ve been on the verge of tears and i had to try and calm my sobs so that she won’t hear them through the phone. it just hurts so fucking much to be so far from what she’d deserve from me, and it hurts to be back to square one after literally everybody told me about how much i’d changed and how much better i seemed to be doing, how much more confident and strong i looked and i feel like a fucking moron for allowing myself to believe what they said. for a while i actually thought “y’know what? i actually am doing better” and yet here i am now, studying my best years away and not even getting any actual results from that other than frustration, anger and disappointment, i still have not passed a single goddamned exam and everybody around me feels like i’m stable enough to carry all of their emotional luggage as well as mine. and i feel like shit about phrasing that last one that way bc it seems like i’m not a supportive friend who only wants to see the people i care about thrive and be well when i like to think i am. this has been such a shit year, right from the start. and it still makes me sick that i wasn’t there for all of them when they needed me the most. in the span of less than two months my new uni friend, the only person i feel like i’ve connected with since i moved to the other side of the fucking country, has been opening up to me about her own anxiety problems, her bad relationship with her family and the fact that uni gave her panic attacks for the first time in her life; one of my best friends from home told me she attempted suicide, and i still can’t think about that without blaming myself for disappearing bc my brain just couldn’t handle shit then and i needed some time off from people in general, so i didn’t text her, i didn’t call her, we just briefly saw each other when i came home for less than a week in may and then a whole week of silence. i KNEW her past experiences, i KNEW she’d been having a lot of issues with depressive episodes and i KNEW she needed me and yet i did the asshole thing and just couldn’t pick up the fucking phone to send her a single text cause i couldn’t handle a conversation with another human being when i was about to shut down completely, and i didn’t know anything about what happened until i finally did text her a week later abt some stupid shit i’d seen on youtube and she told me everything got so bad that she tried to drink bleach and end it all. i would’ve been too late and i didn’t even realize. if she succeeded i would’ve sent that text and nobody would’ve answered. and i’ve been trying to react in the way i think is best for her, and she says i’m really helping bc i know how she feels and what she’s going through, but in reality i honestly don’t know what i’m doing and she’s the second person i know other than me who’s been suicidal, and she’s the second person i’m so terrified to talk to sometimes, even though i know from my own experience they need to have someone who cares about them to reassure them and just be there, because i’m scared shitless i’ll say something and fuck everything up and make it worse for them. i talk to them like i’m so strong since i’ve been through the same things and put up this mask of someone who’s actually better now, but i actually sincerely and honestly have no idea how to handle the situation. and then there’s my other best friend who i honestly have been treating like shit. she’s going through so much and i’ve been so distant and she doesn’t deserve that. even typing this out is exhausting and it’s making me feel so fucking guilty bc i have another exam tomorrow and i should be studying instead, and everyone keeps telling me “just relax, you’ve done enough” or “it doesn’t really matter wheter you pass it or not” except that it does. it does for my mom, it does matter because it would prove that i’m not really wasting my time and my parent’s money to be in a university where i so clearly don’t belong, it does because every time i’ve tried i’ve gotten so frustratingly close to passing that now i’m just fucking angry. i think i had a train of thought i wanted to follow in the beginning but now idk anymore and i’m tired and angry and i seriously need to go study so fuck it, i’ll leave it at this.

[theboardwalkbody]

59 QUESTIONS:

Flounder told me to do 59 of those questions. I started this last night and needed to take a break. I tried to answer completely and honestly and it may have really soured my mood. By question like 20 or so it’s basically pictures of Joe Gilgun every other question. lol I felt it was easier to post photos than answer with words since I wasn’t too happy. But I’m sure if you delve into this you’ll really see where the depression and self-loathing caught hold of me again.

1. selfie

post-shower selfie. also, shout-out to Joe.

2. what would you name your future kids?

Boys: Thomas Richard (or if I had two boys Thomas and Richard). Thomas is a name that’s p much been in every gen of my family except for mine because everyone had girls and not boys. So I’d bring that back. Richard was my grandpa’s name so I’d also bring that back.

Girls: Natalie, Elizabeth, possibly Ellie, maybe Megan. 

3. do you miss anyone?

Of course. One’s a they’re-not-here-anymore thing and the others more of a we’re-growing-apart-as-people thing. 

4. what are you looking forward to?

You know, I really am looking forward to starting this new job. Not just for the money it’ll provide me with and the possibilities of me being able to do fun things like go to the friggin’ aquarium (most of this sort of thing I am already making plans to do lol oops) and see the solar eclipse but also because it feels like I’m finally DOING something. It feels like I’m finally taking this nursing-track seriously. I’ve got myself in a hospital doing career-related work. It’ll have benefits which I need to stay healthy. It’ll support me. It almost feels like Day One of this job is where my TV show starts. Day One is my Pilot episode. It’s gonna be JD walking into Sacred Heart, it’s gonna be the TARDIS landing in my yard and the Doctor saying, “run”, it’s gonna be Spongebob getting his fry cook spatula. In my mind I keep comparing it to Scrubs a lot. Like this is where we see me go from PCA to Nurse and this is where I will finally make Work Friends and maybe grab dinner with them after a long shift and maybe one day a cute employee will see me in the cafeteria and we’ll start dating. I just feel like maybe this job will be that life changing. That this is where my story starts - the story people want to see - and that’ll change my life. Or kickstart it. I know that that all sounds horribly idealistic and is not at all reality, it’s just not how life works, but that’s how excited and hopeful it’s making me.

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

Lately Joe Gilgun’s been handling that. lol (and by lately i mean for like a year now). But as far as people IRL... not sure. Everyone has their days. One day this person will make me smile another day this one will. Everyone has bad days where they just rub each other the wrong way - it happens. But I feel like the people who are close to me make me smile pretty well for the most part. 

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

Not really. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend and it took me two weeks top to get over him. Then again, I wasn’t even that big into him anyway. I’ve had a couple friendships melt away and those took longer to get over. Not sure I’m entirely over them. I think it just depends on the strength of the relationship and probably also the type. I really don’t peg myself as one who would find it hard to get over failed romantic en-devours, based on that past experience. 

7. what was your life like last year?

Strap in: Last year was a fucking hot mess. I mean personally as well as whatever the fuck the universe was doing. I started off last year entering Nursing III. I was excited because OB/PEDI was the rotation. I had JUST managed to pass Nursing II the week before Christmas and I truly felt like the luckiest person alive. I went into Nursing III with the impression it wouldn’t be harder than Nursing II BUT I wanted to do well anyway because OB/PEDI is where I want to be. The rotation was hectic and I was feeling the pressure and I ended up struggling. I failed the class by 2 points. Somewhere in the midst of all that I got into Preacher and so I took to drowning my sorrow by thinking of Joe (watching interviews and stuff). And man was I full of sorrow. The entire rest of May and the entirety of June I fell into such a fucking state of depression I was starting to forget literally everything. I lost an entire week of memory to depression during that period. Despite that I got a job as I’d run out of money and I started passing the time doing that. Until I got over the initial “if i mess up im fired” anxiety and got comfortable, at which point I called out frequently because my depression was like “fuck you you’re staying in bed - MENTAL HEALTH DAY LOLOLOL”. I was accepted as a re-entry student and got to try a second attempt at Nursing III. My job told me to go fuck myself (they wanted me to work friday - sunday plus one day during the week minimum - my class schedule was monday, thursday, friday and sorry i wanted a day to rest and a day to study - plus. that friday was non-negotiable. gotta love retail) and fired me. But whatever. Back to school, my priority, I went. I bought physical copies of my books to accompany the online versions. I went to the library to study. I actually studied. I excelled at clinical and I did well on all my exams except one. And then the final came up. And all I needed was a 75 to pass. My average was a 77 for christ sake. But nope. Bombed. 0.7 point failure. I got my grade three days before christmas. I tried to kill myself in front of my mom and my sister (in front of the christmas tree) with my grandma and my sisters boyfriend one room over in the kitchen. I cried for hours in my little sisters arms. I’d ruined christmas. My life was over. 0.7 points and ‘sorry, you failed out of nursing school - the last 4 years of your life was pointless’. I tried to appeal. I tried EVERYTHING. The dean of nursing told me I had no case for an appeal (my failure was my own), my only option was to re-enter the program and start from scratch. I asked her, as calmly and composed as I could muster being on the verge of tears, what steps I needed to take to re-enter. She told me, “do you really want to continue to waste your time and money at an institution you’ve already failed?”. I wanted to fucking kill her. I wanted to slit my own throat right in front of her and bleed out over her desk. I cried instead. I was so pissed at myself. Why couldn’t I be a Normal Adult and not cry until I got outside the fucking building at least? I spent the last two weeks of the year with my head so bruised it hurt to touch it or lay down on a pillow even, trying to forget literally everything, how I literally ruined my own life because I wasn’t smart enough, by sleeping as much as I could and spending the hours I was awake thinking about Joe because at least thinking of him made me a little happier. 

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

Yes. I cry with literally almost every emotion.

9. who did you last see in person?

My grandma.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

I tend to be. The only time I am not is if I am so overwhelmed I don’t have the energy. Or if I am so upset I’m literally having a breakdown. Then I’m not. 

11. are you listening to music right now?

No.

12. what is something you want right now?

I kinda just want to go to bed. This whole thing has gotten too personal and I’m like half on the verge of tears and half so angry at myself I could scream.

13. how do you feel right now?

See above. I was alright before that, though. Believe me I was.

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

I don’t fucking know. Men are disgusted by my appearance and usually do not appear within a 30 mile radius let alone touch me.

15. personality description

i have to be honest with you. this whole thing has made me very upset and angry with myself so i really dont think im in the right place mentally to answer this question. 

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Yes, and I feel bad about it to this day because they’re not around anymore.

17. opinion on insecurities.

I’ve got a lot of them. Also, Insecurity by Scars on 45 is a really good song, if that’s what you were asking.

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

Read the above question about what my year was like and ask me that again.

19. have you ever been to New York?

I have been fortunate to go to NYC quite a few times. Benefits of having a friend who lives there. However, the amazement of it has certainly worn off. It’s a little frustrating to see how some people become so elitist about it. Yes, it’s a cool place, but listen, just because it’s a cool place doesn’t mean every other place is shit. It’s kind of annoying to watch your friend go on and on about how they’re a “native” and therefore “non-natives” don’t understand how awesome their city is while at the same time actively hating all the parts that make people like the city in the first place. It’s hard to explain. But I’m over that elitist attitude.

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

I still can’t stop listening to Hamilton. I guess my current fav song off that is Washington On Your Side.

21. age and birthday?

25. Aug. 24th.

22. description of crush.

(I’ve not got any crushes that pertain to my actual real life so there’s Joe again). 

23. fear(s)

i have quite a number of those and lately ive been having like ‘flashes’ of scary situations while i’m out and about and have been mini panic attacks in public. so that’s not going well.

24. height

4′11.5″ is what the medical charts say. I think I can be an honorary 5ft.

25. role model (answered already)

26. idol(s)

see # 25

27. things i hate (answered already)

28. i’ll love you if…

you show me any shred of kindness and human respect.

29. favourite film(s)

Twister. Runners up: Forrest Gump, DragonHeart, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, and Holes.

30. favourite tv show(s)

Preacher, The Pacific, Generation Kill, Boardwalk Empire, The 100 (tho it’s an on-off love), Once Upon A Time (also on-off), Mr. Robot, HOUSE, M.D. CSI: NY, Viva La Bam, Jackass, and I used to really like Doctor Who and Torchwood. Misfits, Skins (UK, of course). 8 out of 10 Cats. I’ve got an on-off thing with 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. Big Fat Quiz.... 

31. 3 random facts (answered already)

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

girls. remember #14

33. something you want to learn

Enough to get my friggin license and get out of school that’s for sure.

34. most embarrassing moment

i have a lot of them. one time i tried to talk to a guy i had a crush on. i talked to him the same way i wrote fanfiction at the time. (girl finds unloved outcast, girl asks him if he wants to be friends, ultimately they become inseparable and fall in love and live happily ever after). he was weirded out. i persisted for a few days. i IMed him after stalking his myspace. he called me a slut and told me to never talk to him after complimenting his haircut (which i couldnt have known unless i saw him IRL as he posted no photos and i still hadnt told him who i was). it made the rest of the year awkward. i was 14. don’t do that, kids.

35. favourite subject

i like sciencey stuff in general. but if i want easy a’s i got for english.

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

1. become the best damn nurse in the ‘verse and help ~all the babies and kids 2. have a large happy family 3. be financially stable and healthy enough to take said large happy family on vacations and such

37. favourite actor/actress

38. favourite comedian(s)

(there’s more but they’re the only ones I have gifs of)

39. favourite sport(s)

I quite like tennis, actually.

40. favourite memory

Eh, I don’t really know - to be honest. IDK if it’s because I don’t have one or because depression makes me think I don’t have one or if it’s because I often look back at past times that were fun and wish ‘why can’t I go back, I miss it’ rather than ‘That was great, what a good time’ like I assume most people are supposed to.

41. relationship status

single as fuck. yes, i am bitter about it. and very lonely.

42. favourite book(s)

Living Hell - Catherine Jinks the Across the Universe series by Beth Revis Rapture - John Shirley (prequel to BioShock) The Stand - Stephen King 11/22/63 - Stephen King Under the Dome - Stephen King The Islander - Cynthia Rylant

43. favourite song ever

Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon. I like the way it sounds. It calms me down.

44. age you get mistaken for

i have no idea, but i do know no one bothers to ID me for alcohol anymore.

45. how you found out about your idol

I’m going to bang my head against a wall.

46. what my last text message says

my mom: “we’ll go next week then” me: “OK”

47. turn ons

48. turn offs

not being treated with mutual respect (ie a dude expecting he’s entitled to things or who thinks he should get more than he gives out). one of those guys who considers relationships to be the “ball-and-chain” trope. like don’t bother then.

49. where i want to be right now

with Joe. I am over this questionaire. D:

50. favourite picture of your idol

STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY IDOL. HERE’S A GIF OF JOE AS CASSIDY.

51. starsign

virgo

52. something i’m talented at

i have no talent.

53. 5 things that make me happy

and also good food.

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

my financial situation (are we a nation of states? whats the state of our nation?! i’m passed patiently waiting, i’m passionately smashing every expectation. every actions an act of creation. i’m laughing in the face of casualty and sorrow, for the first time im thinking past tomorrow - and i am not throwing away my shot!) also literally everything because Anxiety™.

55. tumblr friends

Marisa and Heather and Flounder, you don’t count because I knew you since The Womb (Middle School is the womb apparently) and Kenny if we’re going by people I talk to frequently and also got on FB and the like. But if you wanna be friends just drop me a line. 

56. favourite food(s)

Chicken fingers with fries (and honey mustard and ketchup) is my go-to meal whenever I am out. I also like pizza from my fav. pizzeria (I mean or any but mine’s the best). Mozzarella sticks, penne vodka, ham and cheese subs/ham, salami, cappicolla, provolone subs (italian subs). French toast (homemade tho), waffles (eggo only), pancakes, grilled cheese, cream of broccoli soup but NOT cheddar broccoli, baked ziti (with ricotta or you did it wrong), mac and cheese, Guinness steak and mushroom pies, toasted pb&j sammiches, fluffenutter sammiches, english muffin pizzas are good in a pinch, chicken goo, cheeseburgers (only from mcdonalds tho so...) and once a year i have a hotdog. OH no - I love auntie annes pretzel dogs and i get those often so disregard my previous statement.

57. favourite animal(s)

turtle, axolotl, sharkies are cool, puppies (but not the scary ones that barked at me on my walk) and kittens and i really like reptiles.

58. description of my best friend

(photos apparently swimsuit edition and look at those fucking hideous life jackets that we had to wear per contract until out of sight from camp personell. DIDN’T STOP ME FROM SPLITTING MY FOOT OPEN AND NEEDING STITCHES NOW DID IT). Also Flounder’s swimsuit was cooler than mine. And yes I am short.

59. why i joined tumblr

Kiera had a tumblr and I wanted to be cool, too, so I made one and forced her to follow me and I followed her and she doesn’t use this site anymore because she decided red.dit and ifu.nny were better uses of her time but i cant escape, i dont want to.