#and i fear the longer it goes on the more depressed I'll be and i won't be able to keep going

[neonpigeons]

hate when the distractions stop working and the the horrors take over

[theoddest1]

Hazbin Hotel episode 5 is a rushed mess.

May just make this a continual thing where I review the episodes from here on out.

-Right off the bat, the pacing for this episode is probably the worst out of all other episodes so far. Things just begin abruptly (Lucifer's first song with Al for instance), no build up, 5 months have passed in only 5 episodes of barely any progress or focus on Charlie as a character, a random character that didn't need to be introduced but was anyway ruined the flow further, and this stupid ass rivalry all on the basis of who's the "better dad" is legit the most random conflict of any conflict so far. That will get a point all on its own along with some of the other things mentioned. The pacing left no real breathing room aside from 2 moments: Al's rise to power and Husk n Al's convo. I wanna say the second song would be a 3rd but it just resolves an issue that was present for seemingly years and pulled a "Stolas" with having a song or sob story as an excuse for the lack of effort to reach out and be a better dad. Lazy writing and pacing overall.

-5 months....5 months have passed with barely anything revolving around helping sinners or trust built around the main cast SHOWN ON SCREEN. We are told important information opposed to witnessing the progress itself. This is not only lazy but extremely jarring cause it feels as though episodes were skipped and bonds feel unearned. They get easily resolved in what feels like seconds, and we're just supposed to....deal with it. Angel and Husk barely interact throughout this episode, which, after the crazy ride they had, with the knowledge of a SEVERAL MONTHS passing by as well, you'd think Angel would be shown to be more chatty with him....which he doesn't. Nothing crazy, just small bits of them interacting and enjoying each other's company. Nah. We get that next episode, and even THAT'S lacking. I'll tackle that in a separate post. But yeah, 5 months, and we have yet to see the other guests' views and how it has changed for the better or the process of them realizing WHY they would go for redemption. How that has affected them. Nothing of note has come about from any of these. No other sinners have joined. No other demons seem interested in Charlie's Hotel. Nothing. We are told things have been done, yet it feels like we are still at the starting line, or well, a foot away from it and miles away from the finish.

- Lucifer is a joke. I don't mind me a goofy threat, it adds a charm to them but also shows that they take so little seriously due to their immense power....not Lucifer. No, that guy just....is a joke. Dude is in his mansion making fucking toy ducks for some reason and just has depression (show said it outright, not even depression is spared from "tell don't show")

He does literally nothing, doesn't seem to WANT to do anything, and no one respects the guy. Nearly all in the Hotel lack fear, intimidation, or admiration for the guy (Pentious is the only one who seems to exhibit admiration of some kind). The closest we got is being uncomfortable. That's it. Then there's his scuffle with Alastor. Tell me why he feels the need to argue with this sucka again? Cause last I checked, Alastor is a mere overlord, and Lucifer is The Devil. Wtf is this randomass rivalry that just...S T A R T S? Why does Lucifer get intimidated or moved by Al? It makes no sense. Lucifer has been alive far longer than humanity itself, but nah this random fuck who looks like he robbed a blood bank got him weeping insecurities? I'm supposed to take this sad excuse of a character seriously? How many of these carbon copy characters will Viv make until I finally end my suffering???

-Wtf is Alastor's deal? Why is he so pressed and annoyed? One moment he is as cool and collected as a cucumber and showing only SLIGHT annoyance (Vox and His song), then he goes to meetings and speaks with people far older, far more experienced, and/or far stronger than he show no interest and he gets pissy? How insecure is he that people not caring where he's gone or thinking his ideas are wack is what leads to his eye twitching and him throwing a random ass cuss. Seriously, THAT'S what got him to swear? That his idea for the hotel's name is stupid? BFFR! You can not be serious right now, THAT'S what gets him going? You'd think with how witty and chill he was in the pilot, he would find a quick and a effective smart-ass comeback, not essentially bitch at The Devil. This makes Alastor look like a thin-skinned wannabe, too cause these minor ass comebacks are why he has lost his edge along with some randomass song number?? And at the end of the day, Al just couldn't be damned anymore to even care by the end of the episode, he doesn't speak with Lucifer or give any stank looks, doesn't speak with Charlie, does NOTHING pertaining to the issues prior, nah, he just stands there and watches after telling Mimzy to go away. Some say he did this to simply piss Lucifer off, but that doesn't make sense (not saying it ain't true, just saying if it is, it's nonsensical). First off, if that were the case, why was he annoyed even BEFORE seeing the guy?

If he only wanted to get a rise, why is HE getting angry? Trolls usually don't care enough to be this pissed. Second, wtf would he even gain from doing this? What to help push Lucifer to be a better father to Charlie, request by Lilith to Al so that Lucifer can get his act together?? If so, that's the LAZIEST shit I have ever heard. Lucifer is such a joke, he needed a SINNER to get him back on track....

Regardless, this whole father shit by Al comes out of nowhere and ruins the goddamn flow of the episode. Prior to it all, Al has shown NO interest in anyone and has done jack shit. Wtf does he even do? He's done ONE thing so far and that was help for the commercial. Alastor has shown to be completely useless as of now.

-Charlie, why is she treated as tho she isn't a grown ass woman? She's babied to hell and back and despite being the daughter of Lucifer, hasn't shown any of her abilities to help the hotel. So Lucifer can summon shit but not her? Is she that useless? Also, gotta love how she never asks her dad about the Valentino situation to help Angel out. Man...what a great ass friend. She also doesn't find it weird that Al is just suddenly...babying her? She has zero awareness of everything, I guess, which is getting annoying now. You're over 200 years of age (went to high school in the 1800s according to what her comic was about, but guess that's retconned based on what happens in the following episode).

So she doesn't use her abilities to tidy up the place, she doesn't act her damn age, she doesn't do anything to help her sexually assaulted friend. What a damn joke, just like her dad.

-Mimzy shouldn't have been in an episode about Lucifer. Plain and simple. Her character should have been introduced in one of the earlier episodes. Not during fucking this. And we got a repeat of the pilot with Alastor's backstory retold. So they're down to retell his rise to power but not to make at least a proper recap of the events that happened prior? Key word....PROPER.

-Husk caring about Mimzy bringing trouble is actually fucking stupid. Because of the lack of proper build up to him now finding more reason to like the Hotel, it feels forced that he would be worried about what danger Mimzy brought. And on top of that, yeah...ALASTOR IS RIGHT THERE. You know who else is there? LUCIFER. I get it, Lucifer stood by and watched as the Hotel was being swatted, but he also sang a song about providing what Charlie asked for, meaning if she had asked her dad, he woukd be down to help, so WHY TF IS HE WORRIED???? Also , is Charlie just INCAPABLE of fighting for herself?? "She doesn'twanna hurt sinners-" so she had no defensive abilities??? What???? Also, that's a damn lie, she fought Katie Killjoy on live Tv. Are no other damn people capable of protecting the Hotel??? Why did Al need to step in for that? They were just LOAN SHARKS.

Anyway, the scene where Husk is probing Alastor about Mimzy and treating him as a pet is decently paced and the tone was pretty neat, sucks that this feels like their way of showing that Husk is also under a leash like Angel rather than him being treated as a joke, which btw...horrid way to compare the two. Wanna know why? One is subjected to an onslaught of sexual assault whether he was pushing Val's buttons or not, and forced to be assaulted by various men around him, passed around like a thing. The other is Husk, who legit disrespected Alastor and had to push at him to get such humiliation and terror, and guess what....Al still ended up pushing Mimzy away after she did end up bringing trouble, so he did essentially listen to Husk in his own distant way. This is the ONLY TIME we see Al be downright mean to Husk and probably the only time. Angel has been subjected to nothing but horrid assault after assault no matter the situation. So I better not see anyone say, "SEE LOOK, THEY'RE BOTH ABUSED" stfu. Nothing about their situations are even remotely similar. Just cause the chains are the same doesn't mean the users are. EDIT: Ima say this before people act like I excuse this. No, I am not excusing Alastor's actions. I am pointing out what happened on screen. Husk mocked Alastor, Alastor retaliated out of anger(much like how Angel retaliated at Husk in ep 4 after Husk kept arguing and mocking him) by pulling out the chains to shut him up. He didn't even hit Husk. Again, I'm not excusing it, just pointing out how vastly different Husk and Angel's situations are and how one overlord reacts compared to the other....who is a straight-up rapist.

-Both the songs are mid/ok but pulled down by the awful storytelling....shame. I at first was not fond of Lucifer's voice.....it's ok now, I guess. Idk. I'm still not really feeling it, though.

Episode sucked ass

Pacing was all over the place

ALASTOR AND LUCIFER ARE PISS BABIES

[ezziefox]

The Reason Why I Can't Move On in Writing + more depressing thoughts

I think I just realized why it's so hard for me to surpass three or four chapters max when I begin to write my new books, or why I always find myself taking a break and taking forever to get back to it, and when I do, the momentum that might've never been there in the first place is lost and I don't know where to pick back up in my WIP.

I recently became more and more aware of how much time I spend on social media. But that's not the big issue I'm talking about here. It's my attention span and my anxiety.

Addressing the Anxiety

There are a lot of things in my life that I get anxiety about, and it largely comes into play whenever I'm writing in my free time. As I still attend high school, I don't get much free time, but even in my free time I fret about how much time I have. Because when I write, I love to get lost in it, listening to my music and all. But, as a person who has a strong hatred for my school especially and nothing can ever fix that hatred (the pandemic ruined everything for me in that regards), every time I open Word or some other app to begin my writing, instead of thinking about getting lost in my work and getting in the moment and writing seamlessly like I did when I first discovered Wattpad back in the summer of 2020, I instead focus on how much time I have to write what I want to.

And because of this constant timer and thought in the back of my head, instead of getting lost in what I love to do, I am instead constantly fearful and anxious of my time running out before I have to go to bed to return to the very place that depresses and maddens me to my core. And I have nothing nor no one to blame but my own mental health. But I still can never find myself liking school to at least make myself feel better. I wish I could attend a different school, even in a different country. I really wish I could have a restart so that I can have an open mind and freeer mind to continue doing what I love.

And in times when I get endless time like I've never before like summer, that idea of endless time and "soon I'll be able to do what I want to do with no push or setbacks" quickly dries up and goes out the door. Especially when my trip is close to ending, all I can ever really think about is how much time I have left. I'd rather spend it procrastinating and "having fun" whilst still realizing that it will come to an end, rather than get lost in my writing and when I shut the computer and look up, it's time for all fun to end — the free paper is burned.

I genuinely don't know how I'm going to get through this part without a complete mind reset and change of environment. As it goes for the mind reset part, my mind will never change. Not without a significant change in my life. And I hate that. But my mind refuses to be unstuck from the place it is in now.

As for...

Addressing My Short Attention Span

Because of the aforementioned anxiety with time I addressed, I've begun to consume my media (entertainment & procrastination) in short form so that it feels like I've gotten in so much fun in such a short time that I feel satisfied. How to explain this in simpler terms?.... Well.... I'm constantly fearful and anxious of my free time ending that I convince myself it's been longer than it's truly been by watching short-form content such as YT shorts, Instagram reels, and when I watch actual full-length videos, instead of watching completely through the video, I simply listen to it for a short while, and to get the gist of it and thoughts on it, I read through the comments while watching as little of it as I need to before I quickly lose interest and go find a different video to watch.

Tonight, as I write this to save it as a draft to post tomorrow, I've been trying to fix my attention span by sitting through some of the old content I used to watch, that being documentary-type videos. It's been going well so far. I've sat through all the videos and seldom went to the comment section. I didn't skip through any of them or anything like that. However, I did stop in the middle of one video to come and write this right now. I knew I could've waited until tomorrow, but I feared I wouldn't have been able too convey the emotions of realization that I am feeling right now as well and explain it as well as I am feeling it.

——

I'm hoping that this truly is my issue, and that once I fix my attention span, I can at least get through writing more chapters, no matter how long it takes. I'm fully aware that especially once school starts back, so will the anxiety leeching itself onto me. But anything is better than nothing, right?

Sigh.

If you're just like me, or something like it, my advice to address and sort out your attention span. And if it's within your reach and capability, your anxiety too. It's these things that hold us back from accomplishing anything in life, and writing is something we wish to accomplish, so if you can, find a way to conquer them. Do what I currently can't.

All of this deeply saddens me. I don't know where to go next, if I even want to move, or what will find its way to me next. Needless to say, I don't have much hopes for the future, but at the same time I do.

I like to tell myself I always give up, and then I realize that I never truly do and it's always f*cking with me. Sometimes I wish I would just give up, because no matter how much I want things or desperately hope that some miracle will grant certain things in my life, I always end up f-cking myself over in the end. I am mentally f-cked and tired. No matter how many breaks I get, it never seems to be enough for me.

And I always want more. I get told I already have everything. It's just so much going on in my life from family, to friends, to my own mind that just constantly fucks me over and disregards me in every way. I don't want to drop any personal information regarding the people around me, so that's all I'm gonna say about that.

You know, today I realized that it's one thing: being a kid and never truly realizing how much something or someone in your life is mentally f-cking you over, versus growing older and you're only a teen and you realize it in real time as it's happening. Earlier I wished that I could just be the former: be a kid that doesn't realize the mental gravity and toll that's being taken on me as I have no one but my cousin in my life that truly understands me and went through the same experiences as me and it's mentally f_cked her too.

[levis-nut-dump]

~Broken~

TW: mentions death, suicide, and depression

-The guilt of the explosion of Armin's colossal titan is consuming him

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You and Armin Arlert have been together for some years now. At this point in your relationship, you know all his fears, hopes, dreams, and regrets; So the fact that something was so clearly bothering him and you had no idea what consumed you whole. Armin's always been the sweetest. You've been with a lot of trash, so he was like a sweet release, and you wanted to be that for him. You had no idea what was weighing on him, but you knew he didn't deserve to carry it alone.

You walked into the living room of your shared cabin in the woods. "Hey, Armin. I was thinking maybe we can go into town and get something to eat?" You suggested. He hasn't been out of the cabin in weeks, not since he got back from Marley to get Eren.

Armin turned around and gently smiled at you. "That's ok. I'm not really in the mood for it." He said.

"Armin, baby, you haven't left in weeks. You need fresh air, your friends, Mikasa." You look down. "Is this about... Sasha?" You pry, trying to finally figure out what's gotten your boyfriend in such a funk.

"Um. Yeah. I am still pretty torn up about that." Armin looked down.

"Armin, if you don't make the time to see your other friends you're just going to regret it. Maybe we can go to the cemetery and bring her flowers on our way out?" You suggest hopefully.

Armin got up and walked up to you. He's a short guy, but compared to you he's pretty tall. He tucked your (H/C) hair behind your ear and kissed your forehead. "(Y/N). Thank you for always trying to take care of me. I'm just not ready to face the world today. I'll tell you what. You run into town and pick up something to make, we'll cook together tonight." He said.

You smile brightly. You always loved to cook with Armin. "Ok!" You agree without hesitation.

You quickly get dressed and you're nearly out the door. "Bring a knife." Armin says from the couch. You grab a knife and once again you're almost out the door. Armin turns to look at you, blue eyes twinkling. "I love you (Y/N)." He said softly.

You smile. "I love you too. I'll be back." With that, you were off.

*Two Hours*

You finally get home with the ingredients to make steak pasta with Armin. It took a little longer because you wanted to visit Sasha's grave to tell her you're thinking of her and to be able to tell Armin how well-decorated her grave is. "Armin honey. I have food a good news!" You shouted.

Silence.

"Armin?" You call out again. After more silence, your mind goes back to before you left.

"I love you (Y/N)"

You drop the bags of groceries and search the cabin. Finally, you get to the bedroom and see a horrifying sight: Armin is hanging from the ceiling fan with an old sheet tied around his neck.

"No!" You scream a blood-curdling scream. You pick up the chair he kicked to the ground and stood on it, trying to cut him down. You cut through the sheet with the knife he told you to bring and Armin fell to the floor. "Armin?" You asked. You put your ear to his mouth and heard no breaths. You lay him flat and gave him CPR.

After a few minutes, you were ready to call it a devastating loss till your partner gasped for air, shooting up. "Armin!" You shout.

"(Y/N)." He said softly, smiling at your beautiful face, brushing the tears off your cheek

"What possessed you to do such a thing?!" You sobbed.

"I killed them all." He said, before falling asleep.

You checked his pulse and when you knew he would live, you laid him gently on your shared bed, took the sheet and knife, and sent for Hange to check him out.

You walk around your cabin, shocked, heart pounding, listening for any signs of his movement telling you he is awake. You pick up the groceries and set them on the counter. Right next to them, you see a tear-soaked letter in neat handwriting. "He wrote me a suicide letter?" You must've run past it.

As you read, you covered your mouth so your cries didn't wake Armin out of his much-needed sleep

(𝓨/𝓝), 𝓟𝓵𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓰𝓲𝓿𝓮 𝓶𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓹𝓾𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓪𝔀𝓪𝔂, 𝓘 𝓭𝓲𝓭𝓷'𝓽 𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓽 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘 𝓭𝓲𝓭. 𝓘 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓵𝓲𝓿𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘 𝓭𝓲𝓭. 𝓢𝓸 𝓶𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓵𝓲𝓿𝓮𝓼 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝓮𝓷, 𝔀𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓷, 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓬𝓱𝓲𝓵𝓭𝓻𝓮𝓷 𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮, 𝓽𝓪𝓴𝓮𝓷, 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽? 𝓒𝓪𝓻𝓻𝓲𝓪𝓰𝓮𝓼? 𝓛𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓼? 𝓔𝓵𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓽𝔂? 𝓘𝓬𝓮𝓬𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶? 𝓦𝓱𝓸 𝓭𝓮𝓬𝓲𝓭𝓮𝓼 𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽'𝓼 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓱 𝓹𝓮𝓸𝓹𝓵𝓮'𝓼 𝓵𝓲𝓿𝓮𝓼, 𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓔𝓻𝓮𝓷… 𝓒𝓮𝓻𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓶𝓮. 𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓪 𝓶𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓼𝓾𝓬𝓱 𝓪𝓼 𝓶𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯. 𝓨𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓹𝓾𝓻𝓮 𝓵𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽, 𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓼, 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓰𝓸𝓸𝓭 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓻𝓮𝓬𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓵𝔂 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓬𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓭 𝓮𝓿𝓲𝓵 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓭. 𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓼𝓽, 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓘'𝓶 𝓫𝓻𝓸𝓴𝓮𝓷. 𝓘'𝓶 𝓪 𝓶𝓾𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓻. 𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓪𝓼𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓷 𝓲𝓼 𝓾𝓷𝓯𝓪𝓲𝓻, 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓘 𝓪𝓶 𝓷𝓸 𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓷 𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓻. 𝓣𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓽𝓪𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝔂 𝓸𝓷𝓮, 𝓾𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼 𝓭𝓲𝓼𝓰𝓾𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮 𝓲𝓼𝓷'𝓽 𝓮𝓷𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓾𝓹 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓸𝓷𝓮𝓼 𝓘'𝓿𝓮 𝓽𝓪𝓴𝓮𝓷, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓹𝓮𝓸𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓘 𝓫𝓾𝓻𝓷𝓮𝓭 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓸𝔂𝓮𝓭, 𝓘𝓽'𝓼 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓯𝓪𝓲𝓻 𝓘 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓰𝓮𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓵𝓲𝓿𝓮 𝓲𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽. 𝓛𝓲𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓲𝓯𝓾𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓘 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓶𝔂 𝓵𝓪𝓼𝓽 𝓫𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱. 𝓛𝓸𝓸𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓸𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮, 𝓐𝓻𝓶𝓲𝓷

You drop to your knees, sobbing into your hands. How could you not notice? How could you leave? What if you weren't back sooner?

[living-and-awaken]

I spend so much time bottling up emotions I forget what it's like when someone actually wants to hear how I'm truly feeling. After being 100% open about where I'm at, crying, and just being heard.... I just. I don't think the other person realized how much it means to a person like me. I spend so much time in depression without being able to tell anyone how I truly feel. How emotionally hurt I am and the distress I'm in. Always being the one to help others without judgement but being deathly afraid to be helped and opening up in fear of being judged... It's nice.

So I know most people don't realize it or think too much of it... But check on your guy friends.

Let them open up and be 100% honest without judging them. Most of us are in some sort of emotional distress but society tells us our mental health doesn't matter as much. A lot of us feel like we need to be emotionally strong, always, and too never be vulnerable. Some of us bottle stuff up and let it eat at us and damn near take us out. I've been in so much pain recently. I forget that my mental health matters and there are people that are genuinely concerned about me and actually want to help/listen.

I understand being a male has "societal privileges" but for a lot of us, we don't get to benefit from the privilege and we feel like we aren't heard. And when we do try to speak about where we are at, it's usually met with more of a negative response than a positive one, only making us close up more.

For a long time I was told to "man up" or that I was too emotional for a guy. I needed to get over it. I need to be the strong foundation for others. I'm not allowed to talk about how I'm truly feeling and if I do, I need to leave most of it out because guys shouldn't just go around showing vulnerability. I've been told all these things in one way or another. I don't think a lot of people realize how much guys hold things in and are so afraid to be open about where we are at.

More men are committing suicide and I've lost a couple over the last few years to it. You all have almost lost me... I don't want to die alone but I feel more and more hopeless as time moves further along. When I say I've been at my breaking point for a long time now, I mean I've been one thought process away from ending it. I've been so close to the edge, the smallest nudge could send me over.

I'm not saying all this to receive pity. I'm saying it because I'm so scared of what will happen to me if I don't let it out. Being scared to die alone is the worst fear for me because the more time that passes... The closer I am to ending it without trying to find out what will happen and if I'll have someone in the end. The longer I remain alone, the worse my fear becomes a reality, the anxiety builds, and the closer I get to giving up because it seems so much more like a reality, that I can't fathom the point of continuing to live on an ever dwindling hope that my fear won't come true. You would think there would be more of a reason to continue but when the hope lessens, the reason to live and fight that fear also goes with it.

I really went off on a tangent here. I'm sorry everyone. If you get one thing out of this, if any of you actually read through it... I want you to check on your male friends. Some of us are not okay.

Some of us are tired and ready to leave. A lot of us are hiding it because we are told it's off-putting or weird to open up. So check on your guy friends... Really all your friends. But I guarantee you some of your guy friends are barely hanging on but too afraid to talk about it.

I don't want to lose anyone else.

I don't want to lose myself.

[synergysilhouette]

X-Men: Evolution (Season 5)

(REUPLOAD)

The finale is here! I hope you enjoy it. Maybe someday I'll make a sequel series. Lemme know what your favorite epsiodes of the remake are, and make sure to check out my other posts that remake the first four seasons.

The New Normal--Sees the remaining powered X-Men search for Magneto while Cyclops sinks into depression and Professor X and Mr. Sinister reach out to Moira MacTaggert, an old friend of Charles'. She reveals that she not only has a son (named Kevin), but that he is a mutant, with his powers giving him an insatiable craving for energy, as well as allowing him to possess others. Moira had kept him in isolation on Muir Island before he managed to escape following a surge in his powers and possesses a woman in a nearby town named Eva Bell, who was on a trip from Australia. Professor X realizes they are being followed by a depowered Polaris, who hopes Xavier can help her find Wanda to reverse the damage she's done. Deciding that Proteus is a bigger issue, Xavier communicates with the X-Men to come to Scotland. Meanwhile, the New Mutants continue going to school, but Cypher finds that Prodigy is frequently being bullied by students who believe he still has his powers due to his academic prowess. Warlock, who is partially fused to Cypher, scares the bullies off, not realizing that he may have inadvertently added fuel to the fire. Risty overhears that Magneto is missing, and while she appreciated his absense, she finds that following him going MIA, the Brotherhood has officially disbanded, having planned to do so following the battle against Dark Phoenix. Realizing she may need him to reinvigorate the team, she decides to find him herself. Meanwhile, Graydon makes friends with Josh Foley, a recent transfer student who also hates mutants. Graydon doesn't realize that Josh is also a mutant, known as Elixir of the Hellions. All the while, Cyclops has admitted himself to a mental hospital, having difficulty with no longer being a mutant as well as having lost the love of his life and his youngest brother, who he didn't have a lot of time with.

2. Proteus--Sees the X-Men arriving in Scotland, with Wolverine happening to pass Eva on the street. Realizing that Proteus has possessed her, the X-Men engage in a fight against him. After subduing Nightcrawler and Wolverine, Proteus attempts to possess Storm, but Moira successfully scares him off. Similar to the comics, he possesses his father's body, only to be defeated (but his father is injured, not killed), and Colossus punches his energy form, rendering him unconscious. Following the skirmish, Professor X offers asylum to Eva, who is a mutant. With negative feelings towards mutants slowly dying down, she is hesitant to take him up on his offer, but reconsiders when she realizes that the hatred against mutants won't go down significantly any time soon. When Proteus is contained once more, Sinister confronts Moira, revealing to Professor X that she too is a mutant. Back in New York, Cypher and Prodigy make friends with Fabio Medina, a transfer from San Diego. While curious as to why he transferred, Fabio runs away from them out of embarrassment and fear. Warlock warns Cypher of someone watching them, and he sees Wither, Penance, and Empath are on school grounds, watching them. Cypher realizes with horror that the Hellions have infiltrated Bayville High. Having heard that Emma Frost was AWOL, he wonders who is in charge of them now and what their game is.

3. Wither Away--Shows a flashback to when Kevin Ford first developed the power of disintegration (circa season 2). He killed his father, and when he was on the run, he befriended Kitty Pryde, who offered to let him join the X-Men. At first he accepted, only to be arrested for murdering his father. When Kitty (who doesn't even know his name) attempts to plead his case to the X-Men, Professor X states he didn't want to involve the X-Men with the authorities. Kitty goes to save him herself, but he feels betrayed by the X-Men, who he believed helped other mutants. She tries to get him to reconsider, but cannot reach him before Selene arrives who uses her telepathy to erase her mind of Kevin (though she vaguely recalls this encounter while hanging out with Lance and seeing Wither in one of her classes). Taking advantage of Kevin's vulnerability and pain, she creates illusions in his mind, making him believe that she is his mother and giving him the name Wither. She makes him an inside agent while joining the Hellions: Warbird (whose brother was one of the earlier X-Men who was killed during a mission), Penance (brainwashed against Emma Frost to hate the X-Men, making her embrace her red diamond form), and Elixir (taken in by Frost in exchange for her silence about his powers), as well as Empath and Firestar, who naturally made their way into the group. It's also shown that while the X-Men battle Proteus, Fitzroy, his assiant Bantam, and Shinobi manage to steal a technovirus from Sinister's labs for Selene. Shinobi notices Sinister's extensive catalogue of mutant DNA, but overlooks it when Fitzroy muses about being a part of Selene's schemes but never being invited into the Hellions by Emma. Together, they make a pact to kill Emma and the Hellions to curry favor from Selene--as well as get revenge on Emma, who not only ignored Fitzroy, but fled the Inferno Club.

4. Nevermore--Sees Emma Frost in hiding, having realized that Selene had slowly swayed her students out of her control shortly before the Phoenix Saga, and that this was done in case the Inferno Club had not been brought under Selene's control. Deciding to take a look inside Penance's mind, she finds that her brainwashing has been reversed by Selene, and that Penance is motivated by her own rage against Emma Frost. Seeing Elixir and Penance are against her while Warpath and Empath have flimsy allegiances, she realizes her only chance is to convince Firestar to become her ally in order to be an inside agent. Before she can enact her plan, she is approached by Magneto, who is a broken man, accompanied by Sabertooth. Magneto explains the cause of the the depowered mutants, which he calls the "scarlet evening", and that given the human's slow acceptance of remaining mutants (though most assume all of the mutants have lost her power), he has come to believe that is the best they will ever come to equality. Emma will not stand for this, and inquires about Wanda's location. Meanwhile, Risty attempts to weed Josh out of Graydon's life, only for him to expose her as a mutant. Graydon renounces her once more, and she tearfully leaves the school, vowing revenge against Elixir. She meets up with Destiny, who has been unsucessful with reforming the Brotherhood, given that there's only two members left, one of whom is romancing an X-Man. However, she notes that Toad has agreed to accompany them and find Wanda.

5. Regretful Actions--Sees Emma Frost once more inquiring about Wanda's whereabouts. Magneto simply taps his head, asking that if she reads his mind, that she leave her be. It's revealed that before the events of Asteroid M, Magneto bought an island known as Genosha where mutants could live peacefully. However, following the attack of the sentinels in New York, they decimated every mutant on the island. Wanda read his mind following the scarlet evening and learned about the island. Wanting to hurt him more, she took Pietro and fled to the otherwise uninhabited island. When Emma asks what makes the move so hurtful, Magneto suspects that Wanda knows he had a deep love for his children, albeit heavily misguided, and that he feared the day sentinels would return to the island and kill them. Emma is intrigued, revealing that after having read Penance's mind, she discovered Warpath and Elixir have lost their powers and hopes that if she restores their powers, then she will be able to convince them to join her against Selene. Sabertooth reminds her of Magneto's words, and that he still has his powers. He jokes that she won't want to end up like the other members of the Inferno Club, and she wonders if he knows what happened to Shinobi Shaw. The men say that they hunted down the other members following the events of Dark Phoenix, only to find them dead. Similarly, Mastermind also died following the event of the scarlet evening. They wondered if Emma would be next, as Magneto still had sympathy for mutants, especially one around the age as his daughters and with the same powers. Emma points out his favoritism resulted in his son's derailment and Wanda casting that spell. Silently, she sends a psychic message to Prodigy in order to convey the message to the X-Men. Cypher recalls Emma's friendliness when inviting him to Massachusetts Academy, but is weary of what her motives are. Emma states to Magneto and Sabertooth that she won't seek out Wanda, and that she needs to visit a friend.

6. Genosha--After bargaining with Emma for Wanda's location, the X-Men and Mr. Sinister come back to New York and create a small team led by Wolverine. Polaris volunteers to try and reach her sister, while Havok volunteers to go with her, a relationship starting to blossom with them. Emma joins as well, and to everyone's surprise, brings Scott back from the psychiatric hospital. He insists on coming with the team, revealing that since being admitted, Emma had disguised herself as one of his nurses and the two bonded. He states he wants to protect her and Emma claims Wanda will have some sympathy towards him, though Professor X is suspicious towards both of them. Finally, Magik pleads to come along, saying that when her power is restored, she could easily teleport them away in case something goes bad. Seeing that Kurt's abilities can only take them so far, Professor X concedes, much to Colossus' protests, but still agrees for Kurt to come along. The team departs for Genosha, and Storm wonders how Magneto will feel about this course of action. Destiny arrives, horrified that Professor X did not join the X-Men. Before she can explain, she is attacked by Legion, who has returned following hearing of the Phoenix's departure. However, seeing that Xavier is one of the depowered mutants, he decides to take Charles to Genosha so he can get his power back so they can fight and Legion can break him down psychologically. As they depart, Mystique stares at the injured Destiny in fear, her power slowly distorting her appearance. At the sight, Mr. Sinister disappears.

7. Nothing to Lose--Sees a wheelchair-bound Pietro tell Wanda about how beautiful Genosha is. She reluctantly agrees and asks him if she wants him to repair "them" yet, but he says "not yet." He asks her if she's feeling better, and she replies that she doesn't know what better feels like. They sit in silence for a while and are about to apologize to each other when Wanda senses someone is nearby. Upon investigating, she finds that Toad has made it to the island, proclaiming that he's come to bring her back home. She warns him to leave while Quicksilver questions how he got on the island. Toad replies that while he had plans on coming with Mystique and Destiny, he stowed away with the X-Men. Before the twins can respond, the X-Men appear, hoping to talk with Wanda. She is unreceptive, battling them with everything she has. Emma notes that the reality-changing spell she casted seems to have taken a toll on her, even weeks after casting it. As a result, the match is slightly more balanced. During the fight, Nightcrawler and Magik are in hiding. When the X-Men fall back, Magik reaches out to her, asking for her powers to protect her brother, and that if she restored them, she would take the X-Men and leave. Polaris, hoping not to enrage Wanda, agrees with Magik and doesn't ask for her powers back. Wanda slowly concedes, and begins the spell. However, while giving Magik her powers back, Wanda is mentally attacked by Legion, who hopes to "encourage" her to give Professor X his powers back. The two telepaths battle for supremacy, while Emma observes, revealing that she persuaded Cyclops to come and help because Wanda's powers could bring Jean back. While she wants to help Wanda and get on her good side, she doesn't want to turn Legion on her. Nightcrawler and Polaris attempt to reason with Pietro, who has grown depressed following his injuries. Emma telepathically tells him that Magneto regrets his actions, but Quicksilver turns a deaf ear, despite being hopeful. In the end, Wanda is still able to defeat Legion, knocking him unconscious and stripping away his telepathic abilities. Still angry, she turns her rage on the X-Men, with Magik using her powers to help them escape, albeit with a strange delay in her powers. The X-Men regroup at the Mansion, uncertain about what to do. Meanwhile, Cypher, Prodigy, Shadowcat, and Jubilee attempt to befriend Fabio, who has recently fell under the influence of the Hellions. Prodigy notes that they need to get Empath out of the picture, as his power manipulates other people's emotions.

8. Rerun--Sees Mojo kidnap Warpath, Penance, Wither, Multiple, Angel, and Rogue in order to bring some fresh faces into the program, noting that the mutants always seem to give him high ratings. At first they all reject the game, but Mojo promises to give the Hellions very interesting information if they happen to win against the X-Men, and if the X-Men win, they'll be told of a plot against them. Either way, the incentive will give good ratings! While they fight, Prodigy convinces Iceman and Pyro II to engage in PDA around a bored Empath at the mall, hoping that he'll be interested in trying to make them resent each other. Iceman protests, but Pyro II jokes that if he can overcome brainwashing once, he can do it again. They reluctantly concede to go through with the plan, and it works, with Empath delighting in causing the ice and fire users to resent each other. While distracted, Jubilee and Cypher try to convince Fabio that the X-Men are more trustworthy than the Hellions. Fabio just wants to lay low, but promises to think about it. Before they can convince him further, they are interrupted by Fitzroy, who steers Fabio away from them. While learning about Warpath, Rogue (still adjusting to having Gambit's powers) attempts to appeal to him by telling him how she didn't trust the X-Men at first either, and that she doesn't blame him. She sees Warpath has doubt in his mind, and invites him to join the X-Men. The whole time, Wither is observing, recalling his own distrust with the X-Men. However, Warpath declines her offer out of loyalty and friendship with the Hellions. Silently, Wither agrees with this, still brainwashed by Selene. Eventually the X-Men are defeated, and Mojo reveals to them Fitzroy and Shinobi's plans to kill them. They are enraged, but Wither convinces his teammates that Selene would never allow them to do that and they must have gone rogue. The Hellions swear revenge while everyone is taken back to their world (which includes Psylocke and Angel on a date). Mojo realizes to his horror and frustration that the show was second in the ratings to a re-run of the Dark Phoenix saga. When the Hellions return, they tell Fabio they wouldn't hold it against him if he didn't join them.

9. Those We Lost--Warpath hears rumors of his brother Thunderbird being sighted around his hometown in Arizona. While there, he indeed finds John Proudstar, though he is placed under a trance and does not recognize Warpath. When Warpath discovers that several more people in his tribe who had died were resurrected, he tracks it down to Selene, Fitzroy, Bantam, and Shinobi, who used the virus sample to bring people back to life. Remembering what Mojo showed the Hellions about their teammates' betrayal, Warpath engages in a fight with them, though he is no match for them. However, he grows enraged seeing Fitzroy drain the life from his people to fuel his time manipulation only to resurrect them once more and kills Bantam, allowing Fitzroy to only use his stasis abilities. When the Apache's gods turn on the trio, they turn the revived Apache people against Warpath in order to escape, but Warpath prevents them from reviving Batntam. He knows that Fitzroy will no longer time travel--a skill he wasn't confident about to begin with. When he returns to Bayville, he advises the team to disband, having confirmed that Selene is killing mutants and then resurrect them so that she can become a goddess. Firestar, Empath, and Elixir take his words seriously, while Wither is in disbelief and Penance decides to risk staying with the Hellions if it means she'll get revenge on Emma Frost. Meanwhile, Fabio makes friends with Eva, who recently transfered to Bayville High following joining the X-Men and goes by the codename Tempest. Having overheard the conversation between the Hellions, he decides to join the X-Men under the codename Egg. Meanwhile, Rogue works with Gambit in order to better control her powers and Emma tries to placate Cyclops and keep him from trying to visit Wanda again.

10. One Left--Takes place a month later, following the X-Men discovering the first human to develop mutant powers since the scarlet evening. A team made of Psylocke, Rictor, Storm, Magik, Nightcrawler, and Multiple accompany Professor X and Emma Frost to Alaska. They find the child has been kidnapped by an anti-mutant group known as the Purifiers. Rictor pretends to be a potential pledge in order to sneak into their base. Discovering that they have the baby, he attempts to rescue her, only to be forced to evade Mr. Sinister, who wishes to study her. Most of the X-Men face off against more sentinels while Magik and Nightcrawler rescue Rictor and Emma holds off Sinister (and reminds Sinister of his deal with Professor X, after having read Charles' mind). Rictor is concerned with Magik using her powers since they were restored while Wanda was being attacked and seems to be "glitchy." Magik tells him not to worry, but she accidentally teleports them to the mansion in front of Havok and Polaris. She tries to teleport them once again, this time bringing Havok and Polaris with them and accidentally leaving Rictor. This time, it becomes apparent that they've traveled into the future--a dystopian future. Magik tries again, only to realize to her horror that they are in Limbo, the in-between dimension she usually travels through. And if that wasn't bad enough, they left the child behind in the future. During this time, Cyclops, Beast, Gambit, and Wolverine are delivering Legion to Moira, who will help keep him under surveillance. Quietly, Moira speaks to Beast and Wolverine about a secret she's been keeping for a while.

11. Darkchilde--Starts with Magik attempting to teleport them back to the future, but her powers are uncooperative. Nightcrawler, recalling the limbo demons from "Shadow Dance," becomes unnerved and agitated, arguing for Magik to hurry. She screams and suffers a breakdown, sobbing. Nightcrawler apologizes, and a new figure appears, announcing himself as Azazel, a demon of Limbo. He offers to help Magik restore her powers, revealing himself as Nightcrawler's father. Nightcrawler is receptive to his father wanting to spend time with him, and Magik is eager to get her powers back. Polaris and Havok note that the two seem to have forgotten the severity of their current situation, only for Azazel to glance at them and they let go of their concerns. For what feels like a long while, Magik slowly gains her powers back, albeit taking on a demonic appearence and taking on the name Darkchilde at Azazel's suggestion. He also tells Kurt that when he was born, he wanted Mystique and Kurt to come to Limbo to live with him, but Mystique refused to believe Kurt was his son, as he appeared human in contrast to Kurt's elf-like characteristics. He explains that while he can't visit the human world often, he could peer into it, and observed Kurt growing up. When Polaris and Havok attempt to get through to Magik, Azazel has demons imprison them. Meanwhile, the X-Men barely escape the sentinels, with Rictor communicating with them from the Mansion about Magik's glitching powers. Mystique, her powers unresponsive following Destiny's death, hunts down Selene, posing as a cult follower in hopes of reviving her lover. Selene accepts this patronage.

12. King and Queen--Sees Azazel offer Magik the opportunity to become the Queen of Limbo. Kurt, semi-hypnotized by his father, tells her to accept, but she asks about Polaris and Havok. Azazel reveals he has helped them recover their powers, and that they now go as the Goblin King and Queen, going to Earth to help bring about Selene's plan, revealing they made a bargain to help her become a goddess and that they would reign over the Earth. Testing her, Azazel has Magik use her powers to send them back to Earth, and she obliges. Upon meeting Selene, she tells them they will "take Genosha by storm," revealing she plans to resurrect the mutants that died there, as well as killing Wanda and then infecting her with the virus to make her Selene's slave. Mystique carefully observes, having become Selene's assistant. She asks Selene about Shinobi and Fitzroy's whereabouts, to which she replies they are taking reprieve in a penthouse in New York, where the Hellions have been invited to a party. The four of them make it to Genosha undetected, taking advantage of Wanda's still weakened state and Pietro being a paraplegic. Havok easily captures Quicksilver while Wanda and Polaris fight each other, with Polaris blaming Wanda for all the misfortune that has occurred. Just when Wanda is about to win, she collapses, but Polaris hesitates to kill her, telling Havok that she escaped. Havok is the same with Pietro, simply knocking him unconscious, and they share a romantic moment before Selene to resurrect the mutants of Genosha. It's shown that Wanda and Pietro's bodies are thrown into the water surrounding the island.

13. No Survivors--Sees the Hellions (including Warpath) going to a party hosted by Shinobi Shaw and Trevor Fitzroy, hoping to kill them before the duo gets the chance to do so themselves. As the team looks for them, Fitzroy betrays Shinobi, drugging him and taking his father's ring, a symbol of power. He also reveals Selene had reprogrammed some sentinels for them, turning them on the Hellions. Hearing about the commotion, Shadowcat, Jubilee, Bezerker, Wolfsbane, and Sunspot attempt to help everyone evacuate (despite their lack of powers), but are overwhelmed by the amount of sentinels. Shadowcat attempts to reach out to any psychics around (similar to how she reached out to Professor X in the original version of "Rogue Recruit"), reaching Emma Frost, who is visiting Cyclops, who returned to the psychiatric hospital. She is mainly concerned with the Hellions, but understands saving the New Mutants will help the X-Men continue to trust her. However, she is horrified to find the members of both the teams dead, as the sentinels focus on her. Meanwhile in Limbo, it is revealed that despite his extensive powers, Azazel is unable to use his teleportation abilities and to permanently escape Limbo, and is fascinated that Magik's powers are unfazed by this, as she easily allows demons to cross into the real world to assist Selene in Genosha. He travels to Genosha, telling Magik that she was in charge of Limbo (she was the Queen, after all), and that he would visit occasionally. Nightcrawler is hurt to be left behind, but Azazel's lingering hypnosis makes him more compliant. Magik ponders if her powers are still glitching, as she feels she's opened a portal somewhere. At the end, the X-Men are shown investigating the rubble of where the mutants are, noting that Fitzroy is gone while Emma is comatose. But amidst the rubble, there are two people still alive. The first is a traumatized Elixir, while the second is someone who looks familiar, claiming her name is Hope Summers.

14. New Age (Part 1)--Starts with Mr. Sinister and Professor X on Krakoa with Egg, Tempest, Elixir, Hope, Magneto, and, to everyone's surprise, Moira and Proteus. Sinister asks if they should begin, and Professor X says yes, hoping that Destiny was right. Meanwhile, Selene has gathered enough souls around her to become a goddess, but demands her followers to get her even more souls. Mystique berates Azazel for his allegiance to Selene, though he states he planned on going back on his promise. Mystique isn't surprised, as Selene has not resurrected Destiny, and reveals that he left her after Nightcrawler was born, claiming that his children were linked to his dimension. He used this connection to Kurt (who was with Magik at the time) and guided him to Limbo. With Magik's limitless power, he was able to escape. It's shown at this time that Trevor is still alive and wearing Sebastian's ring, and Havok and Polaris are slowly becoming free of Azazel's brainwashing. The powered X-Men (with Cyclops manning the jet) arrive to Genosha, and Storm comes across Thunderbird. They engage in combat, and for a brief period, he seems to break free of Selene's control, telling Storm of the Ghost Dance, a ceremony that staves evil spirits and protect them from Selene. She thanks him, and knocks him unconscious. While she tells the X-Men, Nightcrawler and Magik are slowly coming out of their trances, deciding to go back to Earth. They (along with the X-Men) engage in an extensive fight against Selene and her followers, with Mystique, Havok, and Polaris defecting to the X-Men's side. Though Selene has the advantage, she is attacked by new arrival Hope Summers, a somehow repowered Magneto, Wanda, and, the most surprising of all, Jean Grey and Vulcan. All the while, Cyclops watches from the jet in shock.

15. Dawn (Part 2)--Starts with Magik banishing her demon powers and creates a large stepping stone that drags the demons back to Limbo, including Azazel, which causes Nightcrawler to give a tearful goodbye. He embraces Mystique, who comforts him for once. Meanwhile, the Ghost Dance protects the X-Men as they continue to fight Selene. As a final act of rebellion, Thunderbird stabs Selene in the chest with her own dagger. Her reign already over, she explodes in a ray of light, and the resurrected bodies collapse. Fitzroy surrenders, and as the dust settles, Cyclops jumps out of the jet and runs to Jean. It's revealed that during her fight against the sentinels Emma's psyche took sanctuary in his mind, allowing their bond to grow quickly, and Jean interrupts an intimate sequence going on in Cyclops' head. Deciding to compartmentalize, Jean shows the team to Krakoa, a living island Professor X has bonded with for the purpose of making a sovereign nation, albeit in a secret location, unlike Genosha. Using Sinister's DNA catalogue and the powers of Proteus, Egg, Tempus, Elixir, and Hope (confirmed to be the baby Magik accidentally left in the future), known as The Five, they are able to resurrect any mutants. Magneto, in his grief over hurting his children, was willing to kill himself to see if it would work. He found it not only worked, but also restored his abilities. Jean was the second mutant to be revived, and it's revealed that Destiny was the third, having predicted this years ago cryptically to Professor X. Wanda, still in turmoil over her feelings, is uncertain over joining a remorseful Magneto, but restores Quicksilver's powers (at his request) and offers to restore everyone she took powers from if they wanted to live on Krakoa. Toad, also on the island, attempts to smooth things over with Wanda, but she (lightly) rebuffs him. The Hellions, Thunderbird, and even Shinobi Shaw are revived, and many familiar characters join Krakoa, though Professor X reminds them that they are still expected to go to school. Finally, Professor X gives a speech about not giving up on mutant-human relationships, the rules of Krakoa, until finally: "To me, my X-Men."

I know I changed a lot, but I hope you enjoyed my interpretations! Originally I was gonna do the creation of Krakoa followed by a Necrosha storyline (inspired by Immortal X-Men #1). I also wanted to adapt the 2021 "Trial of Magneto" arc, but maybe another time! Unfortunately I couldn't fit as much filler as I would've liked, but maybe I'll come back and edit it!

[propertyoftoru]

Tag game: Get to know me!

Thank you @abiaswreck for the tag! :] 🖤

1. Birthday?

8/11 (me and binnie are birthday twins)

2. Favorite color?

I'll say black but i dont really have a favorite!

3. How tall are you?

5’5 (and 3/4 thank you very much)

4. How many pair of shoes to you own?

somewhere around 14 idk i gave up on counting

5. Favorite song?

for skz probably ssick or easy but not skz probably ohio is for lovers by hawthorne heights

6. Favorite movie?

oh probably either the scream movies or unironically the twilight movies (theyre my childhood comfort movies)

7. Who would be your ideal partner?

Someone who makes me laugh and takes the time to understand me.

8. Do you want children?

I've said no for a really long time but i think if i met the right person and the circumstances were ideal then maybe.

9. Have you gotten in trouble with the law?

Not really other than a few times of being a stupid teenager nothing serious though. Watching my parents screw up a lot when i was young probably had a lot to do with that.

10. What color socks are you wearing?

oh god i hate socks so much. i only wear them when i have to and not a second longer.

11. Favorite type of music?

this is such a cliché but i really do listen to everything. edm, pop, pop punk, metal, sad songs, happy songs, hell on occasion even a tiny bit of country (only carrie underwood lets not get carried away)

12. How many pillows do you sleep with?

2! One horizontal and one vertical. Kinda like a half body pillow i guess? idk i have to be hugging something to fall asleep.

13. What position do you sleep in?

im a diagnosed insomniac so really whatever position my body finally passes out in... there's a lot of tossing and turning most nights.

14. What don’t you like when you’re sleeping?

Bright lights (a tv or any sort of light on an appliance) or dead silence i need a fan or rain or SOMETHING.

15. Have you tried archery?

Yeah actually my grandfather used to take me hunting when i was younger. I never actually killed anything but i got pretty good at hitting cans and targets :]

16. Favorite fruit?

ohhhhh either strawberries or blackberries or pineapple... idk i love fruit so much.

17. Are you a good liar?

I can be when I have to be. I hate lying though it always brings drama and negative energy.

18. What’s your personality type?

INFP-T

19. Innie or outie?

Innie

20. Left or right handed?

Both! but I mostly use my right!

21. Favorite food?

Pineapple pizza (fight me Christopher Bang)

22. Favorite foreign food?

Oh my grandmother makes Jag on special occasions and its one of my favorites. Other than that as of recently ive been eating japchae so much i literally have a craving for it like every other day.

23. Are you clean or messy?

sigh. my room? depression disaster area. Everything else in my life? Severe OCD neat freak (im talking labels, sorted by color and size, the whole nine yards)

24. Most used phrase?

buh. it really has no meaning its just a sound i make about 200 times a day. i also swear like a sailor so if not buh then probably cunt or fuck.

25. How long does it take you to get ready?

Depends on where im going and whos gonna be there. anywhere from 10 minutes to 45 minutes.

26. Do you talk to yourself?

Of course, im the funniest and smartest person i know. (on a real note my hyperactive imagination goes crazy so i spend most days rambling to myself about nonsense.)

27. Do you sing to yourself?

All day everyday like im in a fucking musical or something.

28. Are you a good singer?

Eh. ive been told i am but i think i could be decent if i took lessons.

29. Biggest fear?

Sharks/The ocean (its more a fear of the unknown because what the fuck even lives down there)

30. Are you a gossip?

Absolutely not. I learned my lesson in middle/high school that shit brings nothing but bad vibes and negative energy.

31. Long or short hair?

I wish i could say short because my hair drives me crazy most days but i also hate how i look with short hair so long i suppose.

32. Favorite school subject?

English or Criminal Justice/Forensics

33. Extrovert or introvert?

introvert but situational extrovert (ill be extroverted if theres someone more introverted than me solely because i cannot stand awkward tension) not quite an ambivert but somewhere close to one.

34. What make you nervous?

Groups of super outgoing people. I always get too afraid to talk in fear of ruining the flow of conversation or being talked over.

35. Who was your first crush?

idk probably justin bieber or nick jonas

36. How many piercings do you have?

4. Both of my ears and both of my nipples. i want to get my bellybutton done soon though.

37. How many tattoos do you have?

9 but im hoping to work on my leg sleeve again soon.

38. How fast can you run?

Depends on whos chasing me.

39. What color is your hair?

Brown right now. It was half black half blonde but i wanted to focus on getting my hair healthy for a while.

40. What color are your eyes?

Blue/Green/Gray depends on who you ask and the lighting in the room.

41. What makes you angry?

Not much im a pretty calm person but when im playing video games thats a different story.

42. Do you like your name?

No. My father chose it and i dont speak to him.

43. Do you want a boy to girl as a child?

IF i had a kid i would want a boy 100%. As someone whos mother had 3 babies when i was 16/17/18 i can confidently say little girls are the spawns of the devil and little boys are rays of sunshine.

44. What are your strengths?

Mental fortitude and my empathy for others.

45. What are your weaknesses?

I give second (and third and fourth) chances to people that do not deserve it.

46. What’s the color of your bedspread?

Light gray but i keep lots and lots of blankets around too.

47. What’s the color of your room?

Gray and dark blue.

Tagging for fun! Ignore if you don’t want it do it! Or ignore if you don’t feel comfortable!: @bbyquokka @lino-ppang @alphadisaster @aspenwritesstuff +anyone that wants to do this.

[mcrimson]

Sea

The fear that goes through my bones is like the cold waves of the sea clashing against me for its to quiet in my mind, to deep.

I am afraid of my own hunger for I don't know the depts of it, I don't know if I'll be consumed for I am more than one living in this body

So many creatures use me as a home for there is to much space in me, for me to live here all alone

These creatures thirsts for the life I have and the death that I will experience one day

For there existence won't disappear after my death.

These creatures live in the sea of ones consciousness

They have many names such as depression and anxiety for they are brother, sister, mother and father

Some days I wish I was alone in this body of mines, for I fear the day theses creatures paint my sea in the color of my own blood

I don't understand why these creatures choose me but I feel my soul getting weaker as the days pass by

Actually I'm not even sure if its been days

How long have I been trapped within my own mind, I'm wondering now

I'm not even sure if I'm in control of my own body anymore

For I no longer feel heat of day or the cold of night`

As I watch my life like a viewer would watch a show

I realized I was no longer In control of my life

Maybe I should give into temptation

Or my intrusive thoughts

Will anyone cry for me at the end of the day

I mean I never made any connections with people in this life of mine

If I have made any they were all bad anyway

[zeciex]

Have u seen the finale?

How is it going to be incorporated with Vow?

Aemond scene with Heleana is gut wrenching, good thing in Vow he has Daenera so he wont feel alone but would he order to go to Harrehal like he did with Heleana? Or is he going to plead with her because he doesnt wanna leave her in KL.

Yes, I've seen the final.

Spoilers maybe?

So, over all:

Alicent's character will likely be vastly different with a smirch of the depressed bitch from the show. I honestly think that the show fucked up majorly with her character by trying to keep her a 'victim' forgetting the part of season 1 where she was a victimizer for years (!!!) and I think she's been wildly out of character, especially with regards to her going to Rhaenyra and selling out her sons (yes, sons, all of them; Aegon, Aemond, Daeron) and her whole family; Otto and Gwayne, just to save her life. I have no idea what they're going to do with her next season and what plan they have for Helaena because I fear that they're diverging A LOT from canon.

While Rhaenyra might remain indecisive and overly cautious, it is only because the Greens have her daughter--she will still make some decisions and moves, like... the fucking war has begun and her son were the first blood spilled in it, she wants her throne and her daughter.

Gwayne will be more involved but on a... more superficial, but fun level lol

Daemon will get haunted at Harrehnal, especially by his own actions and he'll have vivid dreams--some of them like the show, but he will NOT see the future, he will NOT be a dragondreamer and connect with Helaena (???) and he will not be as major of a screw up as he was (hopefully). Daemon is already fighting for his queen, even if he feels that she isn't fighting for herself.

B&C will have a bigger impact on multiple characters and is remembered for longer

Helaena will continue her dreams and foreshadowing, but she's not asteral projecting to link up with her son's murderer to tell him that 'hey, so everything is set in stone and I'll send Aemond to meet you so you can kill him'

Helaena will be more devastated and fragile after Jaehaerys's death

Maelor is still very much alive??? He exists in a Vow

Aemond will make some of the similar decisions as he does on the show, he is fighting to keep his family alive and while they might not agree with his decisions, he every much does it because he thinks he knows whats right and how to protect them.

Daenera will also likely try and make up for some of the bad decisions by trying to influence him

Alicent keeps some of her book decisions/season 1 characteristics

I haven't decided on whether Aemond asks her to come to Harrehal and she says yes, or she refuses but is then told of his fate at Harrenhal and then goes on her own accord before Rhaenyra takes KL

I cant believe I say this but I miss otto

I know what they're doing with Alys, but Im not sure I agree to have her guide Daemon through these stupid ass realizations so that he believes in a higher power and she's just setting everything into place--I mean she could set everything into place, but like... I still don't understand her motivations? Is she just there to guide them?

[coolstorysister]

lyric starters 28

So far, so fake.

I don't wanna answer the phone.

Take me away.

The world is twisted.

I know you wanna distance yourself from me.

You took it all away from me.

Your apologies are only selfish with vain intent.

So what?

Name no names.

Maybe when we're old or dead then we could all hang out.

No one likes this anyway.

Tell me what I want.

Tell me what I want to hear.

Heaven is a place we can't afford.

Life goes on.

The peace feels nice.

Maybe I should find another ride.

Maybe I should go and buy a gun.

Maybe it's enough to get by for now.

I'm having the time of my life rotting in the sun.

Seasonal depression tortures you.

I'm just the type.

I'm not obsessed.

I'm fine.

Pain is unavoidable at times.

I understand.

That's kind of why I'm here.

Please stop.

Don't worry.

I can be your freak.

I will eat you up alive.

Why won't you save me?

We can hear you loud and clear.

Let the good times roll.

Would you say it was a good show?

Give up.

I can't hear you.

This is only a distraction.

Let's play.

Let that shit go.

I'll feel through the dark without you.

All flowers die.

Once you get me going, I don't know how to stop.

I lost my way.

I was only being kind, but you mistook me for weak.

How could I?

You'd be wise if you thought twice.

What remains?

You should take it from me.

Who invited you?

Everyone is a bad guy.

Karma's gonna come for us all.

I guess it really depends.

Just gotta wait and see.

Turns out, I'm living in a horror film.

I'm both the killer and the final girl.

Who are you?

Never said I wasn't petty.

You can bet I don't regret it for a second.

It's a pleasure.

It's a reckoning.

I'll do better when you're better.

Shut your eyes.

Turn off the news.

I feel useless behind this computer.

That's just barely scratched the surface of my mind.

We don't know the half of it.

All along we called it normal.

If you have an opinion, maybe you should shove it.

Might be best to keep it to yourself.

This is why I don't leave the house.

Time is fleeting. See what it brings.

Everybody says goodbye.

Kill the competition.

I pretend it isn't there.

I'm trapped in yesterday.

The pain is all I know.

This is all I know.

I'm lost in these memories.

I'm tired.

I will always be afraid.

I try to keep this pain inside.

I will never be alright.

I used to think that I messed up.

I thought I'd always regret letting you go, but all that regret went away.

I realize that everything happens for a reason.

Losing your love ain't the end of the world.

She asked me how I was doing and I didn't know what to say.

Honestly part of me hoped it was true.

I ran out of time.

Intentions only get you so far.

What if I'm just a selfish prick?

I'm always running out of time.

I was just so tired.

There was traffic.

You know it's a lie.

There was a fire.

Be there in five.

Why we gotta be in a rush?

My watch is just for decoration.

Look, I showed up early for once.

I got voices in my head again.

Tread carefully.

I got problems.

I got issues.

I think I need some therapy.

I battle depression.

I'm back with a message.

I'm past the point of no return.

I'll brandish a weapon.

I'm swimming with sharks.

Nowadays, everybody's so sensitive.

Just get in the car.

I got enemies trying to get rid of me.

I can feel your energy.

You are not a friend to me.

I have been to places that you never wanna go.

I could do some damage.

You'll never get rid of me.

It ain't a mystery.

When I die, I'm taking everybody with me.

You're never gonna get me.

I'm a motherfucking god.

I'm a time bomb.

I can't control the monster any longer that's inside.

The pain and sorrow left us hollow.

Death is calling.

Come and save us.

Here today but gone tomorrow.

The pain inside is the fuel that drives.

One day you're gonna figure out that everything they taught you was a lie.

Watch the world burn.

The fear keeps you alive.

Take back your life.

Your help is on the way.

You needn't worry.

You know that zero is one more than null.

Come and meet your new gods.

You should mind your trust.

There's no other way around.

If you're gonna break my heart, smash it to pieces cause I'm not gonna need it.

I showed you mercy.

Say what you're gonna say anyway.

Nothing really means as much as you do.

I should be on my way.

He will tear your city down.

He will slay you with his tongue.

I should have listened to my old man.

You know you can't hold me forever.

What do you think you'll do then?

There's plenty like me to be found.

Spillways

[shinra-makonoid]

I think I need to get that out of my system but these past days I've been thinking a lot about my mother. It's due to a lot of things: for example during volunteering I cross paths with a lot of moms and they treat me like a son. My views regarding palliative care made me reflect on how I used to think about those things as a teenager when she was sick. Wanting to go into healthcare when she was a nursing assistant makes me feel connected to her. There's this particular nursing assistant in the hospital that I love because she's like my mom and I gifted her a bunch of things because she jokingly asked me for it. I watched nursing assistants take care of patients, the same way my mother probably took care of them. She's everywhere I look, and it makes it even more special. If everything goes well in medicine, after the second year I could work part time as a nursing assistant too. Walking in her footprints.

There would be an endless amount of things to say in regards to the path I chose when I was in highschool and how her sickness and death probably influenced me away from healthcare (that and a lot of other things too, but I think that's a part of it).

About how it still influences me today, especially in regards to my interests in pain management and suffering, as she was suffering from fibromyalgia. I'll always remember, back then when she was telling me about it and how nobody knows why that happens (it was not well recognized then) and I said "maybe the brain just... Pushes on the pain button?" And this is exactly what is considered to be fibromyalgia today.

I wish she was alive today. Not because I'd want to tell her I'm trans, or because I got a job, or because I traveled for work, saw fancy things, or because I want to be in medschool, but because I am someone today who would have been capable of holding her hand, when I wasn't able to before. I wish we could talk about the past and reflect on it together as adults. I wish she knew how much she defines me today, even though I tried so hard moving away from her in fear of turning like her, as my father kept weaving that as a threat or as a criticism (which is nonsense, I am neither my father nor my mother).

She was barely a mother during my teen years, because of the alcohol, her depression, heart issues, fibromyalgia, traumas from my father and probably religious trauma from JWs. But I am confident that despite it all, she loved me. And I didn't, because I couldn't bear the disabilities she carried, I wanted only to flee to build myself from the ground because I had no healthy space to grow. I was relieved when she died, because she did not bring me down anymore, I didn't have to watch her self destruct and suffer anymore.

Now, many years after her death, I do love her. I could carry her, all of her. Her pain, her issues, they wouldn't hurt me anymore, or at least not as much as when I was a growing teen. And the grief took a different shape because of it. It's no longer a relief, it's a loss. I lost my mother. We will never talk again. I'll never see her again.

I will never be able to hold her hand, take her inside my arms to whisper "It'll be okay, I'm here, I love you" and mean it.

[hababa]

have been wrangling with anxiety and uncertainty and self-rejection around top surgery for the last few months but feel like i'm digesting these fears day by day and getting a bit more clear-headed about my decision. long elaboration to no one under the cut

im like 70% certain that i'm going to go through with double incision that i have scheduled for february 2024. sometimes i feel like i should wait a bit longer until i can afford or access non-flat/inverted T anchor/radical reduction (not worried about preserving nipple sensation but don't want to be unproportionately flat to my tummy and hips. god im so jealous of cis men and their stupid sexy little man boobs. i want just a liiiiiiittle fat left there, just enough to still look male). my surgeon said he would leave a little bit of tissue there but his other results i've seen online seem to be really flat, like prepubescent cis boy levels of flat, and i dont think that will match my body well cause i'm not skinny. there doesnt really seem to be a lot of surgeons that can do non-flat top surgery for NB folk around the UK/europe and i dont want to wait three or four more years before i can afford it in america or access it with nthanos, the idea of having boobs like this another few years sounds like hell. especially considering i would be giving up the option to have DI in the next few months (i anticipate if i cancel i will feel very depressed afterwards), and especially the more my body masculinises on testo. im also worried about my breasts growing bigger than i want which they might do w methods that preserve the nipple stalk - they won't with DI. compared to the pre-op chests i've seen of people who got inverted T, my boobs are really big and saggy so i also worry that if i do get to that point where I can access inverted T they won't be able to operate on my big fat fucking boobies lol. my nipples are super low down so idk if they'll even be able to preserve the stalks and achieve a masculine chest. idk idk.

i'm able to name now that i'm reckoning with a fear of losing control. i can't control the chest that my surgeon will construct while i'm under anaesthesia. i can't control how my body will look post-op (though i can imagine and suggest to him what I want), can't control if i'll like my new figure (though i can estimate that my self-image will improve overall? it'll be a huge adjustment...). i can't control if 10 years down the line i will have regretted transitioning (and my inner transphobe has a lot to say about that..) . it feels really frightening at times. the way i see myself and others see me is going to change permanently. i worry of my dysphoria travelling south to my hips and bum once the attention is away from my boobs. my fear speaks with the tongue of a facist and tells me that my body is going to look weird and ugly. and when i'm tired and i havent taken deep breathes for a while, it just goes on and on and on and on like that...

i think strangely i'm still a little in denial about being trans. i've been having trans feelings and gender dysphoria since i was like 16 (8 years wtf!!!) and even though it ebbs and flows - some days i can leave the house braless in a t shirt and ignore the dysphoria, some days i can't even look at my chest without wanting to rip them right off me - it's always there. denying it or feeling it deeply, i am having a very trans experience of life rn. i only started tangibly transitioning a few months ago this year w starting testo, changing my name and coming out. i've spent so much time denying and suppressing my transness because i was afraid about what other people thought of me. makes sense to me that i have internalised that ignorant, judgemental voice. it served to protect me for a long time, to tell myself "don't bother, you'll be a freak, you're not trans youre traumatised / mentally ill, you're throwing your life away, people will judge you, you will not be safe."

if i take a moment to distract myself, not think about it, relax, then come back to it, contextualise it, and ground these worries back down to reality, i feel more certain in wanting top surgery. i wore a binder for the first time in a while today (i can't bind very often because of neck/shoulder/back pain - a motive in itself for surgery) and was reminded that i really like how my figure looks flat, and that i can't get flat enough from binding. i tried living as a masculine woman for a long time and it felt like part of me was withering away in secret. though i can't really picture what i'll look like in the future (an... androgynous, dykeish, effeminate man? lol), the idea that these boobs will stay on my body until the day i die does feel unreal to me, makes me feel sad and frantic like i've got to get out of my body. once i get top surgery i think i'll be able to experiment with my style more because i won't have to exclusively wear dark colours to hide the shape of my chest. i'll be able to work out with more ease. my back pain and posture will improve. i wont have to be in this constant compromise between wanting to feel masc/good but having to deal with my huge boobies. i'll hope i'll feel more confident in my masculinity. i won't have to wear uncomfortable shit on my chest once i'm healed up. i think it'll take me some time to adjust to my new silhouette and i think i will feel a bit dysmorphic about the shape of my body BUT. i have spent a lot of time looking at other trans men/mascs top surgery results and i don't judge them nearly as hard as i judge myself - it gives me hope that i can become okay with looking trans. i like seeing the effect T has on me (minus the acne and the hair thinning lol), and often i'm attracted to other trans people FOR their transness. ultimately it helps me best to ask myself what i want, and right now I want to learn how to stop comparing myself to cis people and put more attention into celebrating trans bodies in all their delightful wonkiness. i have hope i can get to a neutral point with my body rather than scrutinising myself for not looking cis.

[overwheat]

This is just a venting, putting feels into words and off my chest post.

In the end I'll know I'll be fine, just gotta feel my feels, continue to work on managing my emotions and just take things one day at a time.

---------

Being self aware of your emotional triggers, while a good thing, really sucks when they randomly get hit by such little things and throws you off cause now you're emotionally down while mentally working to not let your thoughts spiral and dramatically overthink everything.

The big one for me that's been hitting lately, probably due to it being winter and holiday season now (woo seasonal depression), has been seemingly getting sidelined and ignored by people which makes me feel excluded, like I'm not wanted and so my fear of abandonment goes off.

When those feelings overtake me all I instinctively want to do is just withdraw from everything and isolate myself but, having figured out it was a coping mechanism I developed as a kid, I've grown to really not like doing it.

For me I know it can be a good thing to do for a little while to process emotions and such but, I also know it can turn long-term which is the part I don't like and am afraid of doing cause I don't wanna shut people out.

-----

I was on my own a lot growing up due to my mom and first step-dad working all the time and throughout elementary and middle school I had almost no friends so I was rarely invited to anything and got bullied a lot.

I wasn't aware of the impact this would have on me at that time and didn't realize how lonely I actually was until High School when the friend group I became a part of did stuff together constantly, hung out everyday after school and on weekends and this continued after graduating and well into our twenties, it was awesome.

Suddenly I had a group of people that included me and wanted me there, it was a sense of family I hadn't experienced until then and slowly over the last decade I've been realizing how fucked my childhood really was.

Now being in my mid-thirties, most everyone I'm still friends with from then and my early twenties have other priorities in their own families, spouses, careers with differing schedules and personal projects they focus on so we're not doing stuff all the time like we used to.

I am genuinely happy for all of them, I fully understand that life happens and it's not like I'm expecting them to make me a priority or anything.

It's just with being single (have been my entire adult life) and better understanding what I went through in my childhood, that feeling of loneliness is back cause I'm mostly on my own again.

I can function fine on my own and be perfectly content with entertaining myself since that was my entire childhood, so it's not that I have a hard time doing that, it's just that it's all I ever really knew until High School and since having gotten that experience of being with people that wanted me around and included me, I really don't want to go back to being that alone.

Logically I know none of what I'm feeling is really true but seeing everyone I know finding love, success and striving in their personal growth I feel like I'm falling behind and being outgrown. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone to be deeply close to, to be a constant part of their life, I feel like I'm not wanted around anymore and that I'm easily replaced and that I don't matter to anyone.

I know it's not fair to myself to compare where I'm at with others but emotions do what emotions do and when these feelings manage to hit, they hit painfully hard and makes pulling myself out difficult.

----

Earlier this year I found out about and figured out that I identify as demisexual, which made a lot of past experiences make so much more sense and why it always felt like I was constantly late to the party in wanting to woo anyone.

It just takes me longer to know if I actually have a romantic interest in someone since I need a strong emotional connection with them. Also explains why I've always been a fan of the friends to lovers trope in media.

With most of my past experiences by the time the realization I was interested happened, the other person was already romantically unavailable.

Ultimately in life I really want someone to be partners with, not just in a romantic relationship.

I want a best friend to go on random adventures with, to snuggle up and watch shows and movies, to sleep & wake up next to, a partner in crime, someone to love and be loved by, someone to fully trust can be there for me and for them to have that trust in me when either of us need support and for us to want and put in the work on growing and building our partnership and individual selves, someone to just experience life with and come home to and talk about our day.

I want to be emotionally and intimately wanted and to know, to trust, that want is genuine and to give that feeling to someone in return.

I am absolutely terrified though that I'll never have that experience, forever be the third wheel and that I'll die as alone as I was growing up.

[kittenmeow4050]

I hate going out by myself. I hate how anxious I get. I hate how paranoid I get. I hate how there's always something that reminds me she's no longer here and what I'll never have. I hate how a smell triggers my traumas. I hate it all, I hate how it puts me right back in a place that I thought I escaped from.

Today is just that. I'm at my favorite thrift store. I'm looking around the stuffed animals and I see a dozen unicorns. That was her thing, I would buy them all for her if she was still here. A baby girl cries in kids section, the mom bounces the baby around in her arms to console her while she looks at onsies. I smile but it also makes me sad. It's not fair that she's gone. We had a bond that i cherish and I wanted so much more for us. The memories start to trickle in. I start to tear up. I miss her so much... I want that between my husband and I. Something that is ours and loved. I want a second chance. To get it right. But I know it will never happen. I wipe away the tears I let escape and move on.

I'm still thumbing through the long sleeve knits when I feel someone's gaze on me. I look around to see what looks to be a homeless man. He looks dirty and scary. The look he is giving me is also scary. I avert my eyes and continue to look, or at least pretend to. I contemplate leaving. Fuck these clothes, I don't need them. But I also think I'm over reacting. I choose to stay. I have a knife in my pocket. Hopefully I won't have to use it. I get in line ready to leave when suddenly I'm gripped with fear. I glance behind me to see the scary homeless man. The panic starts. I think about leaving again. My mind goes into every 'what if' scenario. I'm frantically looking around when my eyes stop at large sign near the exit. 'RESTROOM' Oh thank whatever deity is listening. I take my cart and get out of line and go to the restroom to compose myself. I take my time. My head is spinning, my heart is racing, my vision is blurry. I contain my panic and leave the restroom. I look around. The scary homeless man is gone. I grab my cart and continue to shop now that I feel a little safer.

I finish my shopping and go to check out. The line is long. A man awkwardly tries to find a place in line. The line moves up a little, he only had a handful of things, I have a cart almost full. I tell him he can go ahead of me. He nods and takes his place. The smell hits my nostrils, I jerk my head up and immediately start looking around the store. I realize the scent is coming from the man I let go in front of me. I take a deep breath and take in the scent, as to confirm its really the same. It is. I'd recognize anywhere, Wolfthorn by Old Spice. My mind is immediately transported back to when I first found that scent. Cold December nights spent in my Honda Accord. Talking, kissing or... other things. Wrapped up in a person that I thought would save me from my abuse and depression. I shake my head and try to snap out of that rabbit hole of memories.

I just want to go home and be with my person and stop feeling like this. I don't feel like this when I'm with him. I'm better, I can function, I can focus and breathe. But he's not here. I'm alone and I hate it.

[opie-nixx]

You're not Illiterate. (CHAP. 10)

Lenny: "When we doin some readin?" Lenny practically prances over to Sean with a cup of coffee

Sean: "Not now Lenny, please. I've almost got it anyhow."

Lenny: "I told ya I'd have you readin. Okay, now come on, I can't do it if you won't let me try." He argues. Arthur and I watching from afar.

Sean: "Look, what's the point of readin anyhow? Just puts silly idea's in me head.

Lenny: "Exactly, that's the point of readin."

Sean: "Another day, please." Sean looks down, sharpening his knife.

Lenny: "Fine, but you can't avoid avoid me forever." Lenny walks off. I've seen this go on for weeks while Arthur has been healing. I push myself up.

Arthur: "What are you doin?" He chuckles watching me walk off.

Y/n: "He's gonna learn." I march my way and hop up on the table next to Sean.

Y/n: "Why you givin him a hard time?"

Sean: "Readin's stupid." He mutters out. I light up a ciggerate and take a small puff.

Y/n: "You know, I hate doing math. In fact I suck at it." I chuckle.

Y/n: "Learning new thing's can be a pain in the ass for you to understand especially when you feel like an idiot for not knowing what everyone else does." I take another drag.

Sean: "Why you tellin me this?" He sighs.

Y/n: "You're not alone when it comes to this shit, in fact you have more people here than I did learning. I promise you no-one is gonna make fun of you for not knowing a word. We have all stuttered on a word or mispronounced it." He looks at me and I give him a small smile holding out the ciggerete for him to take. He takes it while giving a long sigh.

Sean: "Foine, I'll learn how to read." I giggle.

Y/n: "Fuck yeah. You irish bastard. LENNY! Get back here with that book!" I yell over to him, hopping off that table. I take my place next to Arthur.

Arthur: "Ain't you Miss Encouragement." He says sarcastically.

Y/n: "Life is hard and depressing enough, why not live a little?" I retort.

Arthur: "I guess." He pulls me closer and plants a kiss to my cheek. His beard scratching my face. I turn to him.

Y/n: "You need a trim, my good sir." I giggle running my hands through his long hair.

Arthur: "You don't like it?" He gives his beard a stroke.

Y/n: "I have nothing but adoration for how you present yourself. But give the beard a trim....and keep the hair." I give him a peck.

Arthur: "I know this is off the subject..but..uh..How old are you?" He kinda whispers.

Y/n: "Oh? I guess you don't know much about me?" I chuckle, rubbing the back of my neck.

'I know you though.'

I can feel Arthur's gaze on me. I lightly blush as I turn to look at him.

Y/n: "20...I'm 20." Arthur's color drains from his face as he begins to choke on air. I can't help but hold my stomach while I laugh my ass off.

Arthur: "You screwin with me, woman!?" He mutters out taking a few deep breaths.

Y/n: "No, I'm very serious." I wipe the tears from my eyes.

Arthur: "I'm 36."

Y/n: "Niiice...heheh."

Arthur: "I gotta head out into town to help Micah and Bill with somethin. Possible job." He says standing up putting his hat back on.

Y/n: "Mmmkay. I come with."

Arthur: "I really would prefer it if you stay here."

Y/n: "I'd prefer it if you didn't argue with me." I make my way towards my horse. Arthur behind me.

Sean: "Wait for me. I'll ride wit ya's." He says standing up and practically running away from Lenny. My eye's widen with fear a bit as I watch Sean.

Arthur: "You okay darlin?" He asks putting his hands on my hips and giving me a concerned look.

Y/n: "Yeah.." I snap myself out of it and flash him a smile before putting my foot in the stirrups and climbing up. Arthur shares another concerned look.

Arthur: "You can talk to me ya know."

Y/n: "I know that, darlin." I lean down and give him a peck.

Sean: "Can we get goin? I don't want to watch you two weirdo's suck faces any longer."

Arthur: "Shut up." He grumbles before mounting his own horse.

The ride was filled with Sean talking about his pa which I understood why they all wanted him to shut up about it. He just goes on and on and some of his words I don't even think it was english. It was like his own word with his thick irish accent. I'll admit it was funny but I was worried about him dying. I was going to do anything I could to keep him alive.

'You're a good person.' I smile to myself.

Arriving in Rhodes made me feel like I was working in a saw mill from all the dust I was inhaling. We all hitch on the side of the bank where we saw Micah and Bill.

Micah: "We been waiting for you, Arthur."

Arthur: "Well, I’m sorry to have kept you."

Micah: "Come on. Let’s get going." We all trail behind him as we begin making our way to the saloon.

Arthur: "What's the plan?"

Micah: "We’re meeting a couple of the Grays over at the saloon. They spoke to Bill about a job… needing security." I pull out my carbine and eye the rooftops.

Arthur: "After the farce of stealing the horses for them, why we doing this?" They begin to bicker with eachother. I completely ignore them until we come to a pause.

Arthur: "This don't feel right." He snarls. I see a man on the rooftop of the Sheriff's office. As if time slowed yet again I immediately drop my gun and tackle Sean. I hear the man fire and a burning sensation in my shoulder. I let go of Sean and grab my shoulder. I scream at the top of my lungs. Micah glancing at me and then shooting the man on the roof and the one's around. Micah, Bill and Arthur all take cover as Sean drags me to cover. The sound of guns firing and bullets flying surround the whole town.

Arthur: "Y/n! You okay!?" I try to keep pressure on the bullet wound and look everywhere.

Sean: "She's foine! She's just bleeding bad!" He stands up from his cover and fires away with his shotgun before returning to look at me.

Sean: "You look sick." He leans me forward and I groan in pain as I grit my teeth.

Sean: "We have a problem! The bullet is still in her shoulder!" Arthur screams out a few curses as he goes awall shooting most of the bastards in the head.

Bill: "You bastards will have it now!" He laughs.

Y/n: "I..I don't feel so good." I slouch over and up chuck everything that was in my stomach. Sean rubs my back and moves my hair out of the way.

Sean: "It's okay, we're almost done here." He says reassuringly. A ringing fills my ears as I begin to cough up the dust from town. My sight going hazy.

Y/n: "I'm so glad you're okay." I smile as I fade out of consciousness.

Arthur: "You...idiot Bill!" I feel myself get ripped up off the ground bridlestyle. I scream again in pain. The smell of campfire fills my nostrils and I part my eye's a bit and notice Arthur is carrying me hauling ass across town.

Y/n: "This fucking hurts, Arthur."

Bill: "She needs a doctor!"

Sean: "There's 1 we passed walking down."

Micah: "Do we really have the time?"

Sean: "Oi! That ain't a question!" He snaps.

Arthur: "Shut up Micah!" My head lolls back as I struggle to keep them open. I hear a loud bang.

Sean: "You! Help her!"

Bill: "She lost a lot of blood and the bullet is still stuck in her shoulder." I feel myself get set on a chair. Then I hear a man take cautious footsteps towards me.

Arthur: "Don't try nothin funny or this will be the end of your petty life." He threatens. I feel my shoulder begin to ache as I take deeper breaths to try and soothe my wound. I grunt.

Doctor: "Shit! I'm gonna have to pull it out now and stitch her up fast." He stutters out in fear.

Arthur: "Do it, God Dammit!" He shouts. My eyes shoot open as I hear the man grab his utensils. My heart begins to race even harder. I whip out my knife as he the doctor comes at me with clamps. The doctor flinches. Micah and Arthur rush me slamming me back in the chair as Micah tries to pry the knife out of my hand.

Arthur: "Jesus woman!"

Sean: "He's tryna help yew!" Tears brim my eyes from the pain as my breath becomes labored. Arthur hold my body against the chair as Sean holds my legs in place as I began to thrash them around. Arthur puts his forearm in my mouth.

Arthur: "Bite me if you have to, this is gonna hurt baby." The doctore hesitates before digging the clamps into my shoulder. I scream into Arthur's jacket as I clench down. Arthur grunts in displeasure. Hot tears rush down my face as I feel more of my blood ooze out and a stinging ache in my arm. Suddenly I feel the bullet be grabbed and ripped from me. A stream of blood shoots out from where the wound was.

Doctor: "Cover her wound and keep pressure!" He gets up and runs to the back of his office as Bill keeps a gun on him. I whimper and cry as Arthur slowly removes his arm and gives me reassuring words and giving me kisses. The doctor reappears with a health cure and gauze.

Sean: "Yew did so good, Y/n." Bill even grunts in approval.

The doctor removes Arthur's other hand. He pours the health cure in the wound making me hiss in displeasure. He takes a clean cloth and wipes out the wound, patting it dry. He applies an ointment in the wound.

Doctor: "I need her shirt off so I can wrap it." He stutters nervously avoiding eye contact with us. Micah, Bill and Sean all slowly look at Arthur. He grunts as he begins to untie my corset.

Arthur: "Look away you bastards." Sean moves himself from my lower half with a deep blush as he turns around as do Micah and Bill. Arthur swiftly pulls my knife out and cuts the laces on my shirt and corset, my breasts falling out and my nipples hardening from the cool air. My breathing becoming more steady. The doctor pulls out a syringe filled with some sort of liquid.

Doctor: "This will help with the pain and help her get some sleep." He injects it into my vein in the arm I was shot in and then begins to wrap my shoulder as Arthur rubs my head. Once he finishes Arthur takes his jacket off and helps me slide my arm's through it.

Arthur: "Let's get you home." He buttons it as he helps me make our exit, the other's close behind.

Micah: "You tell anyone about this we come back for you." He says threateningly keeping a gun on him. Arthur lifts me up on his saddle and mounts behind me. I lean back into Arthur's chest. He wraps 1 arm around me while taking the reins in the other. He calls for my horse to follow. He gives me a kiss on my neck while whispering gentle words in my ear.

Arthur: "You did so good for me, girl." I would be lying if I said I wasn't getting a bit of pleasure from hearing him say that to me. I chuckle dryly.

Y/n: "I love you." I drawl out. He plants another on my neck before whispering.

Arthur: "I love you too." He whispers lowly. I begin to fall asleep and I hear him whisper shout at Bill and they all begin to argue.

I awaken to Arthur gently coaxing me awake.

Arthur: "We're here beautiful." I open my eyes and lazily look around. The swamp muggy air bringing back some moisture into my lungs. I feel Arthur slide off and I let my body slide down into his arms. He walks me back to his tent.

Dutch: "What happened?" Arthur gives him a menacing glare.

Arthur: "That whole damn thing was a setup. Sean would've been killed if she didn't take the bullet."

Dutch takes a glance at me and apologizes. Arthur waves him off as we walk into his tent. I hear some tense hushed mumbling.

Y/n: "Please be nice. It's not his fault." I sit on his cot.

Arthur: "He's a fool." He grumbles sitting with me.

Y/n: "Please?"

Arthur: "Fine."

Y/n: "I love you." I say.

Arthur: "I love you too." I lean over to him and slowly lean in and plant my lips on his. Arthur pulls me into his lap without breaking the kiss. My breath hitches from this.

Arthur: "Easy, girl. We don't wanna hurt your shoulder now." He whispers out a smile on his face. I glare into his blue eyes. I shove him back into his wagon wall. A small slam emitting from that action. He chuckles. I begin to undo his belt buckle and pants as I smash my lips onto his. He holds his hand up at either side of me unsure of what to do with them. I grasp his cock in my hand and stroke his tip with my thumb. He grunts into the kiss. He tries to take over dominance, but I bite his lip.

Arthur: "Jesus!" He chuckles. I pant.

Y/n: "Stay." I stand up and unbutton his coat and take off my own gun belt and pants. His eyes watching my every move. I see his member begin to pulse. My eye's flick between his own eye's which held nothing but love and lust and his cock which had to be an impressive girthy 6 inches. I climb back on top of him and he places his hands on either side of my hips. I position myself at his tip. He moans.

'Not so fast cowboy.' I rub my wet clit all over his tip. He tightens his grip into my hips.

Arthur: "Please, baby." He begs. I slowly slide down on his tip and bounce just on that little bit. He only takes so much before he pulls me down on his length. I yipe from the shock of taking it all in so suddenly. He takes 1 hand off my hip and over my mouth. I moan into his hand and place my hand on his shoulders as I begin to bounce and grind on his member.

Arthur: "Y-y/n." He moans out. His hand falls from my mouth and right back to my hip.

Y/n: "Daddy." I moan out.

Arthur: "Say it again." He drawls out. I feel that same knot form in the pit of my stomach.

Y/n: "What?"

Arthur: "Call me daddy." He demands softly. I feel that knot slowly untie as I begin to grind on his cock.

Y/n: "Daddy, shit!" I whisper shout as I bury my head into his shoulder. I feel my pussy begin to throb as it releases every bit of it's juices all over him. I begin to slow down.

Arthur: "Oh, no you don't." He quickly lays me down on the bed and begins to thrust hard and fast. I begin to mewl from the  stimulation.

Arthur: "I'm almost there, darlin." He grunts out eyes flicking between me and my breasts that bounced with every thrust.

Y/n: "Arthur, you're so good." Both our eyes meet as I feel him to pick up his pace nearing his end. I feel another knot form and untie as he pulls himself out and cums all over my chest. I flick my eyes to him and to his cum. He stands up and grabs his coat and wipes me off. I try to regain my breathing, while he crawls right next to me giving me the most innocent look.

Arthur: "I didn't hurt ya, did I." I shake my head and crawl into his chest. I fall asleep to his heartbeat as he plays with my hair.

[pastelwitchling]

in light of that anon commenting on how the show never had michael apologize.... could you maybe write something where they don't get back together as easily (maybe alex and forrest don't break up) and michael has to actually fight to get alex back? 🥲

The amount of fics I've written for this! 😆

I'll try to tag as many as I can now, but not from the one shot collection because it's just way too long and there are too many, so you'd have to go through the whole collection to find them, but I'll tag the longer works here. I'm pretty sure this is most, if not all, of my malex happily ever after fics in which Michael fights and lowers his walls for Alex. (Future Rin edit: It is indeed all of my malex happily ever after fics.)

Lost Alex has been depressed, and Kyle comes to Michael for help.

Fearless Alex is moving, and Michael is scared.

Come With Me Alex notices the airstream in the Wild Pony parking lot.

Hurts Like Hell Alex and Forrest get into an accident, and Michael's upset that Alex is asking for Forrest when he wakes up in a hospital.

For Forever Michael fears he's pushed Alex away for good.

Remembrance After Alex makes an angry wish, Michael wakes to a reality where the two never met.

Cosmic Alex decides he's done with Roswell, but Michael doesn't want him to go.

Home, Love, Family Alex is hurt, and he calls Michael for help instead of Forrest.

Stay With Me Alex goes to talk to Michael after he finds out about Forrest's proposal. The second chapter is the happy malex ending.

The Other End Alex is leaving Roswell, and only wants to see Michael one last time.

Hidden Away Max and Isobel being witnesses to Malex's love in a cabin outside of Roswell.

Shrapnel Alex's PTSD comes back to haunt him after a narrow escape from death.

Forget Me Not After an attack against Mr. Jones, Michael forgets that he ever dated Maria.

More Than a Dream After an attack from Mr. Jones, Michael wakes up to find himself in a dream world where he and Alex are married.