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wavesoutbeingtossed · 3 months ago

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The TTPD Deep Dive (Part ?)

It’s no secret that I have a lot of Thoughts about The Tortured Poets Department and it has lived rent-free in my head since it came out earlier this year. I’m absolutely blown away by how underneath the chaos, it’s actually an exceptionally cohesive story and is probably the closest to a concept album Taylor has ever done.

There are so many themes that have stood out to me over the last five months, and there’s one in particular that I think not only drives the entire album, but ties into previous albums to help deepen understanding of it.

This is it, my fangirl magnum opus, my months of posts consolidated into one place. This is also my disclaimer that this is just my interpretation of the album, and my summary of the story it tells, and I don’t pretend to have any special insight or authority. I’m not saying I’m correct at all, do not take any of this as fact, it’s just what it sounds like to me, and these are my silly not-so-little thoughts about it.

(Under a cut because it’s way too long and involves discussion many may not care for or be sick of.)

Come one, come all, it's happening again (I'm thinking too hard about Taylor music)

The overarching theme in TTPD to me is: Grief. If you’re looking at TTPD as a story being told (instead of just as someone’s real life), the inciting incident of TTPD is loss, and the grief from that loss is what drives the narrator’s actions and the fallout, as well as unpacks those complicated feelings and how they apply to the her life in general. By the end of the standard album, it’s also about recovering from that pain, moving on from it and learning from it.

The loss specifically is the loss of the dream of having a family (with one’s partner). One thing that is abundantly clear both on the top line and under the surface in TTPD is how Taylor (as a person and as narrator) longed not only to for marriage but specifically parenthood, and the fear and then realization of losing that chance absolutely wrecked her— which is why the next lover’s (the conman's) wooing worked so well, because it preyed on that yearning. Yet that loss also dovetails into the grief of many things: of youth, of idealism, of relationships, of ideas, even of self, which causes almost a deconstruction of a belief system to piece one’s life back together by the end.

THE CONTEXT

TTPD weaves in the topics of marriage and motherhood both explicitly and in the subtext, in various forms and scenarios. The cheating husband in “Fortnight.” The wedding ring line in “TTPD” the song. “He saw forever so he smashed it up” in “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys.” All of “So Long, London.” Running away with her wild boy in “But Daddy I Love Him,” fantasizing about weddings and joking about babies. The imaginary rings in “Fresh Out The Slammer.” The cheating husband (again) and the friends who smell like weed or “little babies” in “Florida!!!” “You and I go from one kiss to getting married,” “Talking rings and talking cradles,” and “our field of dreams engulfed in fire” in “loml.” (And arguably: “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all.”) “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short,” in “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart.” They may not sound like much on their own, but they paint a picture about how the topics pervaded her thoughts and her writing, and in many cases express her desires, and her pain.

It’s something that goes back several albums when you pick up on context clues. You get the first hints on Reputation with “New Year’s Day,” and “you and me forevermore.” Then Lover is very forward with it: “Lover” is basically wedding vows, “Paper Rings” is very engagement-coded, “I Think He Knows” is cheeky but low-key “you better put a ring on it,” “It’s Nice To Have A Friend” has wedding/marriage imagery in the last verse. As a self-professed diaristic writer, it’s the type of stuff one presumably doesn’t put out there unless those conversations have already happened, and she was very excited about it at the time it was released.

Then the pandemic happens and folklore comes out, and while there is still happy love there (“invisible string”), there are also the first indications that something has happened to put a halt to whatever future she once dreamed of (“hoax,” “the lakes”) and that she’s trying to reassure herself and him that it can still happen even if she’s scared it might not (“peace”). Notably, as far as I can remember it’s the first time Taylor explicitly brings up the idea of family (with her partner) with “you know that I’d give you my wild, give you a child,” which stood out at the time because it’s so incredibly vulnerable, but it’s even more poignant when you really take in that the whole song is like a confession of her deepest worries, and this is her vowing to give him these things that she holds most sacred if he’ll let her. These are what she cherishes most dearly and wants to return in kind: her youth and commitment (my wild), the family she craves (a child), unconditional support (swing for the fences/sit in the trenches) and understanding/compassion (silence that only comes when two people know each other).

Evermore follows an even darker path, and suddenly the album explores relationships that end and grappling with loss. There are toxic relationships (“tolerate it”), dangerous marriages (“no body, no crime,” “ivy”), failing/broken relationships (“Coney Island,” “champagne problems,” “happiness,” “‘tis the damn season”), as well as grief (“Marjorie,” “evermore”). Even some of the happy songs have uncertainty in them: in “willow” she’s begging for him to take her lead, like she’s still trying to decipher him and ask him to commit; in “cowboy like me,” still a beautiful love song, she’s thinking, “this wasn’t supposed to work and we were supposed to bail on each other but we fell in love instead”; “evermore” is about the depths of severe depression (and more) with the love story being the one saving grace in her darkest hour. And it’s also notable that after all the “fiction” writing, shortly after this album she writes “Renegade” where she’s telling the subject: I’m ready to start the next phase of our life now, why aren’t you? Is it me you don’t want after all? It’s like there’s something telling her that this stall might not just be a stall.

Midnights is a jumble (in a good, but in hindsight, also sad way) with the “sleepless nights” concept, but it seems pretty clear now that the themes and events and relationships she was revisiting tied into a lot of what she was feeling in her present life. I wrote the cliff notes version awhile back, but she’s questioning so much of her life that’s reflected in past events and relationships. Am I actually always the problem? How did we lose sight of each other and what we had? We only seem to work when we block out everyone and everything else. Can we ever go back to when things were good? Why are you neglecting me? I once thought I was going to lose everything but you saved me in the nick of time, can that happen again? I chased my career, but did I give up my chance at having a family in the process? Nobody knows what I really suffer from behind closed doors and I’m all alone.

And so on, which in retrospect now that we have TTPD, is very much what she was grappling with in private while writing and releasing the album. The inspiration behind the songs may have been different events and muses, but regardless of their origins they all end up feeling too familiar, like she's seen this film before (ahem). We’re seeing her view of commitment change too, or rather how she writes about it: she’s not making the outright declarations of it like on Lover, or even the implied ones on folklore, nor is she talking of the dark side of it like evermore. For the most part it’s a return to the early days of some relationships, before things got hard, or the end of them when there was nothing left, and also pushing away the discussion of it altogether by the outside world. “Sweet Nothing” is a sweet slice of life, but even at that, it’s the peace of the home in conflict with the pressure of the outside world. Now that we have “You’re Losing Me,” which was written at the same time as the rest of the album, we can probably deduce that she was going back to the start because something happened that made her doubt the future.

THE SETUP

So much of Midnights directly ties into TTPD, and I said in the post I linked that it’s like Midnights is asking the questions that TTPD answers. But there’s one song in particular on Midnights that sticks out to me as being key in the broadest sense to understanding the state of mind that led to the events of TTPD, and that’s “Bigger Than The Whole Sky,” because the way it expresses grief is reflected in the theme of mourning a life built and the dreams along with it that are never realized in TTPD. There are several instances in TTPD that are basically variations of: “every single thing to come has turned into ashes,” and that’s what makes her snap, and leaves her vulnerable to someone who promises her those things when she’s bereaved at losing them in the first place. (In other words: “the deflation of our dreaming leaving me bereft and reeling.”) The song tells a story about how that loss of hope colours one’s entire mindset, and in some ways is a bridge to TTPD to understand what such a low point feels like.

I think that that grief, and most importantly losing hope for an imagined future in its wake, is fundamental to understanding TTPD on so many levels: both the decline with one partner that kept her hanging on then led her such a dark path, and why she fell for the conman's apparent bullshitting because it offered an express pass to what she was losing with her partner. And I also feel like it plays a part into the ruminating she’s doing all over Midnights, trying to make sense of where she finds herself when she’s writing the album, which directly leads to “You’re Losing Me.” Loss permeates so many of the stories on Midnights: of lovers, of innocence, of youth, of faith, of control, of life’s work, etc. “BTTWS” is just one of the ways in which it is expressed so fully, capturing that deep depression and subsequent extinction of faith in something that once felt assured and very much wanted. (Which is also mentioned in her writing process in the “Depression” playlist on Apple Music.)

If you understand why that feeling of loss in general across so many parts of life is so important to Midnights, then it illuminates so much about the “narrative” in TTPD too. If on Midnights she’s wrestling with the seeds of grief and loss (on multiple fronts), TTPD is her reckoning with it in its full form. “So Long, London” is the song that is the most explicit about it: How much sad did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I’d go before I’d have to go be free? You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? I died on the altar waiting for the proof. It’s the sequel to “You’re Losing Me.” It’s, the air is thick with loss and indecision, I know my pain is such an imposition, I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier, I’ve got nothing left to believe unless you’re choosing me, my heart won’t start anymore, but from the other side of the break.

This is highly speculative, but if you follow the thread about the topic and the relationship as told from Rep through TTPD, in broad strokes it goes: young love with a serious connection (Rep) -> growing up and making life plans (Lover) -> something happens that delays those plans or makes them grind to a halt (folklore) -> serious doubts arise and cause a loss of faith in their future (evermore) -> struggling with the loss of that future and trying to make sense of the problems in a last ditch attempt to save the relationship (Midnights) -> fallout from that grief after the blowup of the relationship (TTPD). Understanding that progression of events (through the music) explains not only the storytelling side of TTPD (e.g. the jump from the partner to the conman) but also how the experiences/muses blend in the music, and how the music that on the surface is about the short-term relationship is really driven by the destruction of the long-term one.

Following the music, it’s IMO implied that Taylor (the narrator) was holding out for marriage and family with her partner, for years, and it seems like it was at one point a shared dream until something happened to pump the brakes, and seemingly on her partner’s end. And extrapolating further, given how the sorrow expressed in former albums bleeds into TTPD, it sounds like a plan that had been concrete in some form before it had fallen apart, and losing something that once felt so tangible is what drives her in her grief to find any kind of respite from the pain. Which is why the situation with the conman becomes so appealing as the one with the partner splinters further and further.

(If everything you’ve once touched is sick with sadness and you don’t want to be sad anymore, what are you left to do?)

THE STORY

So (one part of) the story kind of sounds like this from the standard album: the relationship with her partner as well as his mental health slowly deteriorate and he withdraws emotionally (“London,” “Fresh Out The Slammer”) and physically (again, “London,” and “Guilty As Sin?”) and takes his resentment out on her (“London” and arguably “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” even though I don't want to get into muse speculation here). As she sinks deeper into her own depression as a result, the weight of the failing relationship starts feeling like a cage— or a noose (“London,” “Guilty”), but coming to terms with the loss of their life together and the future they’d dreamed of was killing her (again, “London,” but also “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart”).

Enter the conman who she reconnects with at the very point where this is coming to a head (knowing that IRL she reconnected with him around the time Midnights was being worked on) , and if you read between the lines, she confides some deeply personal things to him (“Down Bad” and “hostile takes overs”/“encounters closer and closer,” “Smallest Man” and the entire sleeper cell spy imagery which is one of my favourite things and I could write a whole essay about the meaning of it, “loml” and “A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme”). Then after she’s confided these secrets to him, he insinuates himself back into her life (“Guilty,” “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man”) and sells her a dream that HE can give her all these things she hopes for (again, “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man,” “loml,” song “TTPD,” “Broken Heart”).

But the thing is, he only knows these are the things she wants because she’s revealed it to him, and presumably, told him that was what she was losing by staying with her partner. And instead of the normal response of, “that is really sad that your partner is not supporting you and you deserve to be treated better,” to a friend in growing distress, it seems like it was, “well I can give you all those things!!!! Right now!!!! Trust me!!!!” And worked on her until she believed it, and jumped at the chance at a precarious time in her life. And one thing I want to underscore is: Taylor has agency in the situation always, it’s not like she’s been kidnapped and brainwashed. (In fact, she implores on songs like “But Daddy” that SHE is in charge of her own choices, good or bad.) She chose to rekindle the friendship and then relationship, and she chose to eventually leave her long term relationship for another man, and she reiterates on the album that she owns this all. But it’s also: nothing exists in a vacuum, and she makes choices based on emotions and information she has at the time, which is why it gives so much whiplash.

THE ALBUM

When you look at it as, the situation with the conman only happens because of what happened with the partner first and that the appeal of the conman and the fantasy he sells her is a direct reaction to that, it makes the “swirliness” of the music make so much more sense. And for much of it, even many of the “conman” songs on the surface are really “partner” songs underneath.

Fortnight

A suburban gothic allegory about a broken marriage with a distant husband with a wandering eye, which makes the rekindled romance with the neighbor so appealing. She’s miserable caged in her stifling house because she’s been abandoned by her spouse, so the reappearance of this past love reignites the passion that’s dead at home.

TTPD

“So tell me, who else is gonna know me?” “I chose this cyclone with you.” I’m gonna kill myself if you ever leave. Everyone knows we’re crazy. She’s laying it out there that she’s already in a dangerous state of mind, and she’s actively putting herself in more danger by pursuing the conman. “At dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on, and that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart exploding,” spells this whole thing out so clearly: whether it’s an actual event (likely) or a metaphor for the promise he makes to her, the reason why it makes her heart explode is because it’s the thing she’s been waiting for forever with no movement, and here this person comes in and slips it on her finger in an instant like it’s nothing. (And eventually, as we’ll come to know, it is absolutely nothing to him.) You mean it could have been this easy this whole time?! (Well, no. Not until a certain other suitor makes his appearance later.) It feels like she’s finally getting everything she wanted in the blink of an eye! How lucky! How convenient! What was that about the get-love-quick scheme you say? (Unsaid: the reason why this feels so urgent is because there’s a sense that time is running out in so many aspects of her life and not just the obvious. Which reappears later on.)

Down Bad

“Did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” sets the scene for this euphoric experience in the moment that starts to feel violating once the dust settles (which is then followed up in “Smallest Man” and the spy mission on her). The bridge spells out how he weaselled his way into her life, preyed upon (intentionally or not) her emotional state, sold her a dream and then vanished, without the benefit of hindsight yet we see later in the album.

The alien abduction metaphor is pretty brilliant, because it shows both how she was desperate to escape the place she found herself in, and how much it screwed her brain to then be left stranded when the affair was over. “[I loved your] hostile takeovers, encounters closer and closer,” is so evocative because it details how the situation came to be: his overtures under the guise of friendship blurred lines until he made her an offer that she eventually couldn’t refuse (hostile takeovers) as he infiltrated her life more and more intimately. The sad thing is that the song has parallels to how her relationship with the partner started too in earlier albums, in that they ran away to live in their own bubble (or planet) only for him to metaphorically abandon her as the years went on. (Oven, meet microwave.)

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Being continually emotionally broken down by a person who knows he’s hurting you but still acts the way he does. (The original voice memo version makes this even clearer and it’s rather heartbreaking.) “He saw forever so he smashed it up,” speaks to the loss of a future the person became scared of, and the original lyrics (“he saw forever so he blew it up”) somehow cut even deeper to me because it feels so much more intentional.

Also in the original version, “he was my best friend and that was the worst part,” also speaks not only to the loss of an entire partnership in the wake of this hurt, but also to the feelings of betrayal that the person you trust so deeply has the ability to hurt you in this way too, and how it’s a one-two punch of not only losing the relationship but also your closest confidant. (It’s like the sequel to “Renegade” and the missiles firing to me.) Again, there are shades of both/many situations in the song, pointing to an unfortunate pattern in some ways. The situation in “My Boy” is part of why she was so low, and why the “get love quick scheme” was so appealing later on. And it dovetails nicely into…

So Long, London

The most explicitly “partner” song that puts a coda on “You’re Losing Me,” and is Track 5 because it’s the emotional underpinning of how she got to where she was, and drives the events of the rest of the album. It spells everything out: He withdrew, she tried to fix it for both of them, eventually even that stopped working, he was oblivious to or minimized how badly she was suffering and his (in)actions couldn’t reassure her, he wouldn’t move forward on their future plans and stewed in his own struggles, she was spiralling out of control trying to hang on and ultimately felt like she was going to die if she didn’t leave.

But Daddy I Love Him

Like a direct reaction to “So Long, London” in that she breaks free from the death of one relationship and throws herself with reckless abandon to the next, fuck the haters. How dare you judge me, when the relationship you think I should have stayed in was killing me? (Dutiful daughter all the plans were laid. All you want is gray for me.) Fuck all of you, I’m going to choose whoever I want! (So what if I have a baby with HIM, huh?! I tried doing it the proper way and look where that got me so now we're back to square one) It’s again her imagining how wonderful and freeing this “wild boy” is going to be for her, and how wrong she’ll prove everyone. THIS TIME she definitely got it right. So what if she has to run away! So what if she scandalizes the whole town! They don’t know what she really wants or needs anyway! She’s the only one of her (hee-hee-hee) and she’s the only who gets to decides how this goes. (Because: she longs for control in a situation she’ll eventually realize she has little of it in, which we’ll find out is a recurring theme in her life.)

Fresh Out The Slammer

Also spells out what happened with the partner in the first verse and the pre-choruses, which is what makes the conman so appealing as the imagined jailbreak. The bitter loneliness vs. the sultry passion she builds up in her head as she awaits her release from prison is key to understanding the two sides of the story in the album. There’s this whole outlaw imagery (which is also carried through in “I Can Fix Him”), but it’s contrasted in the end with her and her reunited lover sitting on park swings like children with “imaginary rings” — because “Ain't no way I'm gonna screw up now that I know what's at stake.” What’s at stake is lasting love and the promises that come with it (marriage/family) that are precious and time-sensitive. The imaginary rings are both a nod to the youthful dreams of her and her new/old lover, but also has a double meaning to me because those promises aren’t built on anything together; they're made up, intangible. (They’re no more concrete than the plans that went up in smoke with the partner.) Like with most of the conman situation, it’s all a fantasy in her head that has yet to happen, and as we find out later in the album, reality ends up leaving much to be desired.

Florida!!!

Broadly speaking, it’s running away from your problems and wanting to disappear from your life. (But again: the life she’s disappearing from is the cheating husband she may or may not be feeding to the swamp-- another miserable marriage.) What kind of flies under the radar though is the “I don’t want to exist,” line, which points to her dire state of mind that led her to fleeing to that metaphorical timeshare down in Destin. In many ways about cheating death.

Guilty As Sin

Yes it’s the “masturbation song,” but again the nuance is that she’s left to pleasure herself because her partner has abandoned her emotionally and even physically, i.e. “my boredom’s bone deep.” To be blunt: they aren’t even intimate anymore, so she starts fantasizing about the guy she used to have chemistry with who’s reentered her life and is making moves on her. And realizing that she’s now finding release in another man (albeit imaginary) breaks her even as it reinvigorates her because she finally understands that the relationship she’s in is effectively dead. (“Am I allowed to cry?”)

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me

This isn’t about relationships, but about society and its reaction to them in a general sense. But again, she’s left to stew in all this anger and hurt as she’s been abandoned at home, then abandoned by public opinion, and the public attack on her is part of the origin as well as the end of that story. The trauma inflicted upon her detailed in the song is the reason why she felt trapped in the first place, which led to the decisions she’s made and habits she’s leaned on ever since.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

This is one of the few songs that is the most completely conman-coded, and shows when the delusion finally breaks at the end of the song. She spends the whole song being like, “no really, I alone can make him better! You’ll see! I know he’s gross, but he’s mine! It’ll be fine I swear! You don’t know anything! Uuuuuum hmm wait actually what the fuck—“

Loml

Oof. THE song. Again the surface reading is about the “conman” who comes in and sells her the lie, but the pain is because all the dreams she writes about are HER dreams and implied that they were the dreams she built with her partner that the conman sold back to her. I could do a deeper dive on this but most of the song is applicable to both relationships, which not only shows the “swirliness” of her writing, but also how they both ultimately did the same thing to her in different shades.

The bridge and the last chorus are kind of fundamental to understanding it all, and her ending it with “you’re the loss of my life” is about, among other things, how falling for this trap blew up the life she built and dreamed of for good. (I could talk about this one forever.) “You shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles” to “Our field of dreams engulfed in fire” is a hell of a line and progression, and again, indicative of what the real driving force behind the whole album is. The shit-talking is because he took her dreams (of marriage and children) and hyped it back up to her tenfold whether in a moment of his own delusion or for more nefarious reasons — much like how the man prior kept promising these things but never followed through, which left her vulnerable to someone who appeared to offer them enthusiastically. The field of dreams isn’t just the one with the conman, it’s the one with the longterm relationship she’d built the dream with in the first place, because the conman’s actions are part of the reason the LTR went up in smoke. (Not the reason for the rift, but the consequence of the final break.) And THAT is why it’s the loss of her life, so completely.

When she says “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all,” IMO it’s not just the fake future that the conman lures her into, but also (and perhaps mainly) the once-real one she had with her partner and the loss of which that made her susceptible to falling for the con in the first place. There’s honestly so much between the lines in this song that covers every theme and speaks to the grief of seeing the life she imagined slip away, slowly by the first man then annihilated by the second.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

The juxtaposition of “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short” and “He said he’d love me for all time, but that time was quite short” sums it up to me (and parallels “loml”), because they are two different situations, but they cut her just the same. In the first, “that life” IMO was the life they’d built with the dreams that went along with it and it was too short because he never followed through, and in the second, the “time” was quite short because it was the frenzy of the whirlwind romance that fizzled as quickly as it began. The life that was too short led to the time that was quite short.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

This is definitely THE conman song. The rage, the shame, the violation, it’s all in there. But the key to it is the bridge and the espionage imagery woven through it. A honeypot scheme is when spies target a mark and seduce them to gain their trust and their privileged information for their homeland. So her likening him to a sleeper cell spy who set her up just to mine her deepest secrets and use them against her is a heavy, loaded statement. And implied: that valuable information she unknowingly held were her longings of marriage and family (the aforementioned shit-talking about rings and cradles she never got to have), and more importantly, those dreams preceded him reentering her life and then beginning his mission on her.

The insinuation then is: she confesses these are her deepest wishes which are now seemingly unattainable in her current situation (e.g. with her partner) -> he convinces her HE will give them to her and make the dreams she pines for come true -> she falls for him and blows up her life to make it happen -> he gets what he wants (thrill of the chase/sex/the idea of her/whatever his intent was) -> he abandons her when he gets what he wants, or rather it isn’t what he wants or can handle -> she’s left a) all alone b) with dreams unfulfilled c) with no answers d) feeling used at having her most sacred wishes used against her.

Again, the song is unquestionably about the way the conman absolutely destroyed her, but he was able to do that because there was this thing she wanted more than anything, that was dying in her previous relationship, that he was able to prey upon to seduce her, then discarded her and her dreams as soon as it was inconvenient for him while absolutely hollowing her inside out. (And again: the devastating thing is that this also applies to other relationships she’s written about, in different ways.)

The Alchemy

Not about either the partner or the conman directly, but it (loosely) touches on her finding herself after the whole oven-to-microwave experience and opening herself up to life and love again. #GoodForHer

Clara Bow

This isn’t about the romantic relationships on the surface, but it is about how damaging the entertainment industry and public life are on women, and how women are only valued for their beauty as commodities until they can be discarded and destroyed in the process. Which I think plays into the circumstances that led her to make the decisions that she did years ago, and why she makes the ones she does now. (But also, being valued for physical traits and appeal for the male gaze brings us to…)

The Manuscript

The “original sin” that kicks off all of this. Again, at first light this isn’t about the partner or the conman, but the person it is about is the reason why she has made all the decisions she has ever since in relationships (and that’s Mr. Plaid Shirt Days from “All Too Well”). The realization that her first serious adult relationship is what cemented these patterns, and this view of herself and her worthiness in relationships, is profoundly sad. An older man who valued her for being so mature for her age and implying that the mature activities ahem associated with that were the performance benchmarks in her ability to carry a relationship, only to leave her, was earth shattering. She placed her faith in this person, but then the way he treated her changed her view of love and of herself.

She took his innuendo about “pushing strollers” as a sign of potential commitment, whereas he ultimately meant it as foreplay, and she was too young and naive to know the difference. So not only did she learn from that that this man (and men) didn’t view commitment and family the way she did and that it was something to be toyed with, but she also learned that her value to them among other things was sex. Imagine being an idealistic 20 year old and your boyfriend ten years your senior tells you, “if the sex is anywhere near as good as our dates have been, we’re going to be making babies before you know it,” (e.g. this is relationship is serious) and then he dumps you: does that imply that the sex was not in fact that good? (E.g. that you’re not worthy after all?)

No, obviously from this side of life, it’s because he was a commitment-phobic playboy, even if he did love her, but she couldn’t have known that at 20 and instead internalized that shame. But, it did send her on a path of how she approached sex and love and relationships for over a decade afterwards. And her coming to the realization that that first act of (perhaps unintentional) manipulation is what informed her actions thereafter helped her break the pattern. Her worth to men is not just sex, she has value and her hopes and dreams have value, she doesn’t have to change into a different person to please anyone, because if that is what they want, they won’t ever want her anyway.

It’s been described here on Tumblr by people more eloquent and astute than I as a song that encapsulates the album as this: one did it slow (partner), one did it fast (conman), and one did it first (first love)— and that is haunting. After years of men minimizing her dreams and desires, if not outright using them against her, she’s finally at the point where she can let it all go and move on for good. (There’s a whole other tangent about consent and shame and manipulation, but that’s an entirely different kind of discussion. But it is so devastatingly contrasted with “you said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine, and that made me want to die.”)

THE SUMMATION

This is just my interpretation of it, but in going through the standard album, it feels pretty clear how cohesive the album is about a story of love and loss and grief, then reckoning with what caused it all in the first place that set a person on this path. It’s a formative experience at a young age that was traumatic and led to certain coping mechanisms and a shaping of one’s self-perception, as well as the reaction to external pressures that try to dictate behaviours and influence how one feels one deserves out of love which makes it harder to know when one absolutely deserves more and better. And leaves one struggling to cope with loss when there isn’t anything else to hold onto. Then in light of one’s life blowing up, learning to find oneself in the aftermath all over again.

On another tangent that is somewhat related to the theme of loss, the way she writes about the two main muses on the standard album also ties into how the situations converged to create absolute carnage on her emotional and mental well-being. With one situation, she’s talking about a concrete life that crumbles under the weight of their struggles; with the other, the entire thing is a fantasy that she builds up in her head, and when it comes to fruition it falls far, far short.

If you look at the “microwave” (conman) relationship, you realize that almost everything she writes about it happens before it actually becomes reality, and it’s mostly her imagining how great it’ll be, but with few exceptions, when she writes about what actually occurred, it doesn’t even come close to living up to her expectations. “Fortnight” is an imagined future where she escapes to Florida and his touch finally starts her stalled engine (ahem). “TTPD” is perhaps the most positive retelling of their time together, but even that implies he was better off stoned and when he sobered up he succumbed to his demons all over again, and more importantly she conveys how she also is in extreme distress, barely concealed by the veneer of being infatuated with him. (E.g. saying to that she’ll kill herself if he ever leaves her — the implication is that she is absolutely serious about it when she “felt seen.”) And that the warning bells are going off in her head, but she feels like this person is the only one she can be with (because they’re equally fucked up and the chaos he brings into her life makes her feel alive when she felt so close to death).

“Down Bad” is the most explicit about being in love, but she’s also left completely confused and disoriented by him disappearing, wondering if any of it was real and the seeds of violation creep into her consciousness (“did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” “Waking up in blood.”). “But Daddy” is her imagining she can tell everyone to fuck off for telling her what to do with her life. “Fresh Out The Slammer” is her fantasizing about this man while feeling trapped in her relationship — but never in the song is she actually reunited with him; she’s using him as the projection of all the things she’ll make right after being wronged by her partner. “Guilty As Sin?” Is very obviously about her fantasizing about sleeping with him, but again it’s such a minefield for her because it hasn’t happened yet; they’ve only just reconnected. “I Can Fix Him” is the only song other than “TTPD” that shows them actually together, and it’s the one where she keeps saying, essentially, “I know he’s gross but I can rehabilitate him into an upstanding person, trust me,” until the mic drop at the end of the song where it finally hits her that no, she can’t, because this is who he is, not the person she’s built him up to be.

“Loml” is when it all comes crashing down, and the song emphasizes everything he did and told her, e.g. that she’s the love of his life, but she doesn’t return the sentiment in the song about their time together. Because now that it’s past tense, she knows it wasn’t actually love. (And says as much in the album epilogue poem.) “Broken Heart” is her reeling in the aftermath, but again, it’s “he said,” not “I loved.” And then there’s “The Smallest Man,” where she eviscerates him: he also pursued an idea of her but didn’t care much for the real her in front of him (who else is gonna know me?), he love bombed her only to hurt her (crushing her dreams), he was constantly stoned (and not just in the funny munchies kind of way), and he wasn’t even a good lover (despite the fantasy she’d created before). That last point is especially striking because she spent albums singing about the importance of and pleasure in (sexual) intimacy in the relationship with her partner (sometimes to both their own detriment) and how it was at times the only way they could connect, but in this case, the idea she hyped up and acted on in her head about this lover never panned out in practice. She spells it out in the epilogue: it wasn’t a love affair, it was a mutual manic phase.

In contrast, there’s a lot more tangible action in the “oven” (partner) parts of the album, showing how hard she tried to make the relationship work in real life instead of just in her head. All of “So Long, London” is her detailing how she tried to break through to him and support him, even when he rejected it and pushed her away, thinking she could carry them both until they ultimately sank, but she did it because she “loved this place for so long.” (The place? Not just the city, but the home and perhaps most importantly, him.) In “Slammer” she stayed with him even as things disintegrated for “one hour of sunshine.” (E.g. holding onto the rarer good times even as they were fewer and further between, hoping things would eventually turn around.) And like in “London,” she held on despite people in her life pleading with her that it was hurting her. (Which is also echoed in “Slammer.”) In “Guilty” her boredom is “bone deep” because the passion that once drove their relationship (and papered over their problems) has finally gone out too, so there’s nothing left to hold onto, leading to her fantasizing about the new suitor, which makes her realize her relationship has passed the point of no return. “Loml” is about the conman on the surface, but the undercurrent of all the things she says about him is that he was co-opting the dreams that she was clinging onto for dear life in the previous relationship, which is why the con is so painful; the field of dreams he sets ablaze isn’t just the fake painting he sold to her, but the original artifact (her life with her partner) too.

All the physical and emotional labour she puts into the relationship with her partner ends up reflected in the fantasizing she does in the one with the conman, which is why it is so confusing in the moment and so lethal when he leaves her without any answers. She wants to get married and start a family with her partner which keeps getting stalled; the conman mock-proposes which makes her think he’s immediately serious (“TTPD,” “loml”). She feels caged by having to hide with her partner and shrink herself; the conman promises he’ll stand by her side publicly and let her shine (“Smallest Man”). She sinks into a deep depression in her loneliness as the relationship with her partner careens off a cliff; the conman convinces her they’re meant for each other in a them-against-the-world way (“Down Bad”). The intimacy (in all senses of the word) in her relationship with her partner fizzles; the conman stokes the fire by sending her secret messages and reigniting passion (“Guilty”). She spent years trying to help her partner to no avail; the conman makes her think she has the power to reform him (“loml”). She feels misunderstood by her partner; the conman acts like he’s the (only) one who truly gets her (“TTPD,” “loml”).

In short: there’s nothing that the conman does or says that isn’t a direct response to what her partner did first, and it’s even worse because the conman knew how much her partner’s actions hurt her and he used that privileged information to paint a picture of what he could give her, but in doing so in some ways aimed at her heart with even deadlier accuracy. (I’ve likened it to him borrowing someone else’s life for his own joyride, until he crashes the rental car and flees the scene.) It’s why in the aftermath, the difference in emotions are so different: she feels nothing but rage and violation towards the conman for getting in her head and using her, whereas her feelings towards her partner are more complicated. There’s anger (at her lost youth and being taken for granted), but there’s also sorrow (at their lost life and future), disappointment (that he never could step up the way he’d promised or she’d needed), even compassion (towards his struggles) and a tiny measure of appreciation (for the good times they did share).

When you look at the bigger picture, the story the album paints is just so painfully normal. You have two people (Taylor and her partner) who once loved each other deeply, and despite warning signs early on telling them they have fundamentally different needs and ways of living their lives they fight like hell to make it work (the epilogue) until those warning signs become grenades that destroy their home (“My Boy,” “London,” “Slammer,” arguably “loml”). Having already been through at least one rough patch/break/breakup that she felt almost destroyed her (harkening back to Midnights on “You’re Losing Me,” “The Great War” and “Hits Different”), the final and fatal downward spiral of the relationship (“YLM,” “London”) and the grief over losing that future sends her into a tailspin, just at the time where a flame from the past (the conman) reenters her life and tells her all the things she’s been longing to hear and feel (“TTPD,” “Down Bad,” “Guilty,” “loml”) and, crucially, missing from the relationship that was once her entire life.

So in her panic, she falls prey to the (empty) promises of the past lover (“loml,” “Smallest Man”) and decides he’s actually what will save her from the free fall, because the alternative (that she will end up in a situation she doesn’t think she can survive) is too painful to bear. When she finally acts on these circumstances (leaves her partner/runs to the conman), she snaps, acting on pure emotion and adrenaline (“But Daddy”), but before she knows it, the new lover abandons her, and she’s left to reckon with the fallout of the episode and process everything that has happened (“Down Bad,” “loml”) — with the conman, with her partner, with the choices made in her adult life personally and professionally which leads her back to the moment she feels set her down that road at the start.

The TL;DR of this unintentionally long essay is that the reason the conman affair was so serious was precisely because it was meant to fulfill the promise of what was her life with her partner. To me, a large part of the story is that she projected that life onto the conman (or he projected her life back to her for his own purposes) because she wasn’t ready to deal with that massive grief and the life raft he offered felt like the only alternative to an even darker end. Whether the conman actually believed what he told her, or he went along with it or encouraged it because it served his purpose, we’ll never know, just like we’ll never know the finer details of what went on (nor should we). But no matter what, the album is just an extreme deep dive into all the ways grief can consume us, and whether it’s a long, drawn-out death or a sudden, inexplicable one, it can turn a person’s life into such a trainwreck that they act in ways unfathomable to even them, let alone the people around them. It can also unleash repressed trauma and mental illness that can crater your sense of self. And when those situations are compounded? It makes for a nearly impossible type of breakdown to unpack. (Which is why you might need a 31 song album to process it.)

#What if i told you I’m back lol #Time for me to finally just post the thing after it’s been sitting in my drafts for so long so I can rid myself of it lol #Writing letters addressed to the fire #the tortured poets department #Consider this a treat before Eras comes back for its swan song leg idk #Would you believe that as long as this is #i deleted quite a few chunks of it from the original draft i sent to a friend(s) in the interest of ~propriety~#Because they were a little too rambly and um— ~speculative~/personal/etc and we are flying too close to the sun #And i tried to be as tactful and more or less stick to things we can point to in the music and such #So hope people catch my drift lmao but also iykyk i guess #I have so many other themes I want to talk about but I never have any time #I have so much more i want to say and yet #wavesoutbeingtossed: The Anthology #Also if things get weird i will turn off reblogs/delete the post tbd #This is not an invitation to get into muse ranting or debate in my inbox and I ask that you please respect my boundaries :)#Midnights #lover #folklore #evermore

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babydollmarauders · 2 years ago

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i absolutely love the el!hughes series. What about a blurb of them telling ellen and jim, luke and quinn and the team?

i got very carried away with this one. it’s not even a blurb anymore, it’s a fic 😭

it’s been a week since Jack and i found out i’m pregnant, and Jack has been itching to tell everyone.

i was able to hold him off until i could make it in to a doctor and get an ultrasound done, just in case the tests were wrong. but that happened yesterday and our results confirmed what we already knew. i’m pregnant.

now, Jack has spent the past twenty minutes just staring at the ultrasound pictures while i get ready for the day. i can hear the guys all yelling around the house, Ellen scolding them to be quieter.

my thoughts spiral as i think about how everyone will react when we tell them.

“hey. where’s your head at, pretty girl?” my eyes shift in the mirror to look at Jack’s reflection. he lays in the bed, sitting up against the headboard with the ultrasound pictures clutched in his hand, but rather than the pictures, he now looks at me through the mirror.

“are they gonna be mad?” i whisper, my hand coming down to lay on my stomach, already feeling protective over my unborn child. i obviously haven’t started showing yet, but it’s insane to me to think that someday soon, i’ll have a baby bump there.

“is who gonna be mad, baby?” he stands from the bed, pacing around it to reach me. he steps behind me, his hands flexing along the sides of my waist.

“your parents. your brothers. everyone.” i mumble, slightly embarrassed over my insecurities. “i mean, your parents didn’t even have Quinn until they were in their thirties; are they gonna look down upon us for having a baby when we’re so young? we’re not even married yet.”

“hey.” he coos, using his grip on my waist to twist me around. my gaze settles on my feet, afraid to face him. “look at me.”

i lift my eyes to look in his, the blue instantly easing some of my anxiety.

“they’re not gonna look down upon us. we’re young, sure, but plenty of people start families at our age. or even younger.” he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear, smiling down at me now. “besides, the marriage argument is kinda moot seeing as we only have five days until you become Mrs.Hughes.”

my face heats at the reminder. the idea of vowing to love him until death do us part only seems more exciting in this moment. i’ve waited for this moment for three years, and before that, i could only fantasize about dating my best friend. and now here i am, five days away from our wedding day. if someone told fourteen year old y/n that she would be marrying her hot hockey player best friend, i surely would’ve thought they were insane.

“they love you, and they love how happy you make me. even if they aren’t too supportive at first, once they see how happy i am about this, i promise they’ll be even more excited for it than we are.”

“did you just call our baby an ‘it’?” i laugh, lightly smacking at his chest.

“well, we don’t know the gender yet! i don’t wanna assume!” he replies, pulling me flush against his body. “you feeling better now?”

“yeah, i think so.” i admit. i crane my neck, pulling him into a soft and slow kiss. applying all my love into this kiss. pulling away, i brush my hand against his cheek. “let’s go tell them, yeah?”

“really?!” his eyes light up in excitement, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he pulls back to properly look at my face.

“yeah, babe. let’s tell them we’re having a baby.”

it’s no more than five minutes later that Jack and i stand in front of the living room couch. having successfully kicked Trevor and Cole, who were cuddling, off of it in order to seat Jack’s family. Trevor, Cole, Alex, and a couple of Quinn and Luke’s friends who are in town, stand behind the couch.

“you guys aren’t calling off the wedding are you?” Ellen’s voice is frantic.

“Hughesy, if you let that woman go, i will single handedly kick your ass.” Trevor raises an eyebrow at my fiancé, making me laugh. i blow a kiss to my closest friend since high school, after Jack.

“what? no! we’re not calling off the wedding.” Jack rolls his eyes, smacking my still outstretched hand away from my lips. he glances over at me and i steel my nerves, giving him a single nod.

“y/n is pregnant.”

the room is silent for a moment and i’m forced to scan people’s facial expressions for reactions; Jim and Ellen are stoically blinking at us, Quinn wears a smirk while Luke wears a slight frown, Trevor and Cole grin from ear to ear, and Alex smiles softly at us.

i clutch Jack’s hand in mine in order to ease my nerves.

“does anyone have anything to say?” i mumble. sensing my feelings, Jack turns his head and presses a kiss to the top of mine.

“i- um-” Ellen stumbles over her words.

“are you guys happy about it?” Jim cuts in, which makes Jack smile, nodding his head.

“yeah, we’re really happy.” he tells his father.

“scared! but happy.” i confess.

“then we’re happy for you!” Ellen cheers, standing to pull us into a hug. “oh, my baby is gonna have a baby!”

her reaction causes me to let out a deep exhale, letting the stress leave my body.

Jim hugs us next, bidding us a congratulations before Quinn swoops in.

“congrats, guys! and thank you!” Jack and i exchange a look, our faces scrunched in confusion.

“thanks! but what are you thanking us for?” Jack questions.

“because Luke and i made a bet on when you’d announce it. i said before the wedding, he said after. i won!” my eyes widen at Quinn’s words.

“what do you mean, when we’d announce it?” i ask him.

“when did you guys find out?” Jack chimes in.

“well we didn’t know know. we just googled y/n’s symptoms and pregnancy was the first result that came up.”

“you two couldn’t have waited a week?” Luke calls as he walks over to us, followed by Trevor, Cole, and Alex.

“i could barely get your brother to wait the week that we did wait. i don’t think he would’ve been able to handle another one!” i joke, patting Jack’s chest lovingly. the guys all laugh and Trevor throws an arm around Jack’s shoulders.

“congratulations bro! you’re gonna be a dad!” Trevor cheers, patting Jack’s chest a bit rougher than i just did.

“hey! i’m here too! ya know, the woman with the human growing inside of her!” i laugh and Trevor drops his arm from Jack’s shoulders, instead opting to pull me into his arms and pick me up in a hug.

“congratulations, y/n/n! hope you don’t get sick too much.” he tells me as he sets me down. at the mention of getting sick, i start to feel slightly nauseous.

“oh, you asshole!” i look towards the ceiling, swallowing and willing it away as Jack starts rubbing my back. the other guys all tell us their variations of ‘congratulations’ and ‘happy for you’ as we take a seat on the couch.

telling Jack’s family was the nerve-wracking announcement, but now Jack and i are back in New Jersey for training and we’ve decided to tell the team.

most of them were there for our wedding over the summer, but we opted to wait to tell them until a little later when the entire team could be together. besides, i know the other WAGS will want to throw me a baby shower, and our gender reveal is extremely soon.

“you ready?” Jack asks as we stop in front of the tunnel of the practice rink. the day just ended for them, but everyone is still out skating laps and talking with one another, making this the perfect opportunity for us to tell them all.

“yeah.” i shrug. “i’m not nearly as nervous for this as i was for telling your parents. besides, at least one person in there already knows.”

i point to Luke who stands on the ice watching us.

“you’re being weird!” i call out to him, causing a laugh to bubble up his throat.

Jack takes my hand, pulling me onto the ice. i shuffle behind him, not wearing skates.

“hey, y/n/n!” Nico cheers, grabbing my other hand to help me across the ice.

“hi neeks, thank you!”

“whatcha doing here?” Dawson asks.

“actually, we have an announcement to make.” i tell them, speaking just loud enough for all the guys to grow quiet, turning to look at Jack and i.

“oh Hughesy, don’t tell us you’re retiring already.” someone groans.

“what? i’m not even twenty-five, dude.” Jack scrunches his face in confusion, looking around the rink.

“no, no one’s retiring. or at least, not Jack.” i laugh. “i’m pregnant!”

it’s silent for barely two seconds before the entire practice rink erupts in cheers. the guys are quick to skate over, piling into a group hug around us as if we just scored a hat trick.

Jack’s hands grip my hips, making sure i stay upright on the ice.

“congratulations you two!” “congrats!” “happy for you guys!”

a chorus of different congratulations of every kind is thrown at us from all different directions.

“wow you really wasted no time during that honeymoon, huh?” Bratt jokes.

“actually, they wasted no time before that.” Luke pipes up. “they found out two weeks before the wedding.”

“and you waited until now to tell us?!”

#el!hughes au #ask faithlynn ✨#jack hughes x reader

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sugar-omi · 11 months ago

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Hello ! I was mentally torturing myself and I thought that I could share my heart wrenching thoughts. (No I'm not utterly traumatized, in a good way I promise, by the cheating on Cove with Baxter fic.)

Buuut... in step 3, if we like Cove and didn't confess he does. It's an adorable moment however, Cliff's reaction about our new baby couple left me wondering. He says that MC and Cove's relationship will either end up with the breakup of a lifetime or a marriage. Even if, it is meant to be a lighearted comment, it says a lot. So don't you think that MC's could feel pressured (by their family) to date Cove, even if they like him ? MC could be in love while also being so confuse about their feelings for him and being unable to say if they're just trying to fulfill their families wishes.

That was a lot, so feel free to answer or not. Sorry for my English and have a good day ! :p

no bc i think about this a lot, but in the way of how would i act if this was actually my life? n i also think about loving cove so much, it feels like an obsession, loving him so much that it chokes you up.. i just get this so much n im really glad you brought this up bc i wasn't sure how to bring it up myself!!!

tags : Angst / Hurt/Comfort, ramble. a very big ramble.

synopsis : MC is very overwhelmed by their feelings for cove, and the expectations of others.

your whole life has been this small town, this sleepy street out of an even sleepier town. the most excitement and life you get is from your neighbor, someone who has always been there since life began to matter.

and even if you have a bunch of friends from school, there's a big difference between them and someone you see every morning and before bed.

you have to find opportunities to see them, to see derek, to see lee, but seeing cove tomorrow is always guaranteed.

so it's obvious you'll catch feelings for him, and if those feelings turn to love, it's such a strong feeling for someone so young. it's a feeling that'll drown you, choke you up, it keeps you up at night and you feel like you could cry because everything about cove is so perfect, he's so lovely and kind and he turns what could be a nightmare into a dream.

but it's such a fragile feeling, and it takes something so small to break it.

even if it's obvious, so obvious that cove loves you back, especially when he asks you on a date. but just like he's worried about, what if this feeling between you is just because of how small this town is, and the even smaller distance between you and him.

and that your families are only so close because your parents have been conspiring on you two since before you even knew of each others existence.

and that you have only had this many opportunities to fall in love because his dad bribed you to be his son's friend, your parents urging you to be kind to the new neighbor, your sisters insistent teasing about your 'baby boyfriend', lee asking about the obvious tension between you when you're 13 and can't even breathe the same air without blushing.

even derek asking if you like anyone, and you can't forget baxter asking how long you and cove have been living together...

there's no way that the nosy neighbors and passerby's haven't made comments about you and cove. i won't even bring up your school mates, who are probably relentless about how close you are.

someone definitely tells you that cove likes you. and tells cove that you like him.

as if you didn't know, as if it wasn't so obvious there was something.

so many people dangling this tension in front of your face, teasing you, prodding you. so many people, especially the older folk, anticipating the obvious. or what they think is an obvious ending to the story of two neighbors.

it's scary. because what if this feeling is just anxiety? what if this feeling is just built off all the nights you fantasized about him? built off all the times your sister visualized your wedding to cove over dinner.

what if the heat in your cheeks is just because your classmates are yelling across the hall about you liking cove, or cove liking you.

what if it's just because the teacher is telling you two to "get a room" or "you can makeout later, get to class!"

and god the way cove looks at you. the way he acts around you, the things he does for you.. it just makes your heart flutter more. so much more

but it also scares you. what if you disappoint him? ruin what you have? it terrifies you. and your feelings terrify you even more.

you're so in love with him you feel like you could fly. you would give him the world, sun, moon, and stars. you'd hand it all over to him on a silver platter, and still give him more.

it's all scary.

such intense feelings, and so many expectations. all that combined with your overthinking, your fears that eat you up in the night.

you can't be at fault for not confessing, or rejecting cove. but why does it hurt so much?

it haunts you for a long time, the guilt, the look on cove's face, trying to avoid why there's awkward tension between you... but i hope you get over it. even if you don't, i hope you realize why you did it

it was easier to dissect your emotions from everything else once you've had a chance to grow and experience life outside sunset bird.

and your and cove's worries about your relationship and feelings only being true and sturdy because of all the adults around you urging you together, is easily found false (to an extent, everyone still brags about setting up certain events to get you two close) when you two are still a thick as thieves

so if you or cove confess in between step 3-4, or you or him confess in step 4, i hope you feel comfortable accepting it now that you don't feel as much pressure having a happy ending with cove

and even if you do, you're the only one cove will want, so take your time, and maybe this time, you can get through your fears with a little communication this time?...

#olba #our life: beginnings & always #cove holden #cove holden x reader #cove holden x mc #ramble #hurt/comfort #angst

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grapejuicestyless · 1 year ago

Text

Endless Empathy(People Pleaser pt.2)

Harry Styles x fem!reader

Summery: A continuation of the People pleaser short writing that is both linked in my master list on my page and on the top of this part!!! This Can be Read separately!

Angst to fluffy(kinda!)

Read part 1 here!

If you asked Y/n Y/l/n what her favorite feeling in the world was, it wouldn’t even be a second thought as to what her answer would be. It was so obvious to everyone who was lucky enough to be consistently surrounded by her energy. Y/n loved love.

It wasn’t necessarily the feeling of being loved. The girl, as much as she had drifted off into daydreams, fantasizing about her silky white wedding dress and her ideal bridesmaids, her desire for the feeling of love cut much deeper.

It was the knowing feeling that she could give back to someone who needed it. The fuzziness she gained every time she could provide a sense of reliability to someone close to her. The idea she was able to earn their trust because they were just that close made her feel less alone on the nights she spent across the world from her home.

Y/n loved that feeling. The way it would spread from her chest and expand into the pit of her stomach, making it all fluttery and warm. So much so, she found herself altering herself to fit the impossible standards she held herself to.

She found herself doing things she really had no desire to, her passive aggressiveness only grumbling through her lips when she was sure enough she was alone, out of ear shot. Quickly, her lack of want would be overtaken by that euphoria she felt again, the intense sense of happiness making up for her discomfort she subjected herself to.

From afar, it looked like an addiction. The girl constantly itching to do good, to be better. To be the best version of herself in order to lift those up around her, to make everyone proud of her. She wanted people to not feel ashamed when her name came up in conversation. An addiction so bad, the girls need for approval and longing to please everyone at once, her body often moved before her mouth could catch up. Her mind could be screaming no, but she would already have said yes.

It’s not like it had a cure. How can you cure a pathological people pleaser? You can dote on them and smother them as much as you want. Do anything they need, go out of your way to make their life easier, but ultimately your effort will only make it worse. Devoting your time to someone who doesn’t want it in that way. They begin to feel like a chore, an inconvenience that they need to make up for. And the cycle begins again.

——————————————————————————

A burden is often what I felt like these days. Feet swung over the arm of the couch, head pressed back on the cushion that was Harry’s lap. His hands brushed between my hair, which had been stuck on my forehead in an intense sweat that I had broken into while rehearsing for our upcoming show in Cardiff.

We’d only reached As It Was by the time Harry decided it was time for us to conclude our soundcheck.

It was confusing, the way he said it. Almost like it was directed towards me. He sounded like he had been worried, eyes focused in on mine carefully.

Maybe it was because of the scene I’d caused just the show prior or the fact I was sure I was probably shining under the stage lights in my pooling sweat that caused an uneasiness to rise in Harry’s mind.

“Y/n? You ready to call it?” I blinked rapidly, opening my mouth, I was a fish out of water. Sentences became impossible to correctly piece together as an extra layer of heat covers my face. A blanket of blush covering my already irritated face, I felt embarrassed.

Why would he stop such a crucial part of each show for me? What if something had happened during our closing songs tonight? The unsettling lump in my throat expanded into what felt like vomit rising, even with my throat completely dry. The idea that something could be jeopardized, ruining the great experience that is Love On Tour, could all be caused by my inability to keep pushing for just a few more songs made me sick.

Yet, the look Harry gave me as his hands slipped around my waist, lips caught in a worried line sent an all familiar struggle in my bones.

I wanted to make it right, make sure everything was double checked. There would be no issues and everyone could have their two hours of love promised by Harry and the love band, but I also longed to make sure Harry was content, constantly unbothered. If I continued to push the bile down hard enough, I could focus on doing what’s best for one person, forget about everyone else involved.

So it became a blurry mess, between the moment Harry called soundcheck quits to where we found ourselves now. Cuddled up in the relief that was well filtered air conditioner. Harry’s hands tangling and detangling between my hair, pulling lightly on my scalp to relieve any possible pressure, his eyes fixated on the TV which played some ninety’s sitcom with a beautiful group of friends that the public was made to believe were considered average.

While he seemed content in the position he was in, in the moment, I couldn’t put my mind to ease, the anxiety that I could do exactly what I feared most poisoning any sense of relaxation I had previously.

How do you make everyone happy at once when nobody seems to be on the same page? How can you spread love evenly when you’ve already spread yourself so thin? My face was greyed, mind plagued by my deepest fears. My harshest wounds.

Realistically, Harry’s final decision had benefitted the entire crew greatly. Everyone tired and worn from the continuous heat wave that was a blanket over the earth at the moment. But the way it was phrased, the way I was shot sympathetic smiles made me uneasy. As if their benefit was more of a loss and a waste of time.

Looking up at Harry, I studied his face carefully. He seemed at ease. Unbothered by it all. His eyes trained on the screen, a soft laugh escaping his throat. Completely relaxed. Like he didn’t realize I was just barely a foot below his eye level, eyes watering as I slowly died. I promised him to stop being such a push over, such a people pleaser, but you can’t cure a sickness that’s not truly an illness.

How can you love someone you don’t know is sick?

——————————————————————————

I wish I could say I stuck to my word. Continued to be the person I vowed to become after my incident weeks ago. Stopped being a push over, stopped forgetting about myself. Stopped putting on other peoples shoes before my own. But I’m not a liar.

The air was thick, the humidity unforgiving and unrelenting all morning. Everything felt off from the minute my foot left the hotel room booked for the crew. Yet, I took no time to dwell on my own feelings, pushing back the unsettling pit in my stomach and focusing on the day ahead.

Elin sent a quick text to our band group chat. An old one we’d made without Harry to surprise him for his birthday. It was short and simple. The flags were there, ruby red and waving in the wind. The fact that the request was hidden from the one person who pushed back for me. The only person who could say, “no” for me without anyone protesting.

She wrote, “Hey, y/n/n! I’m running a bit late. Would you mind picking up some coffee and treats for everyone? I’ll send the address for the shop!” It was less of question, I realized, reading it back. More of a request or even a demand. Still, it was short and a simple task. Nothing unmanageable.

She sent the location, and only then did I fully recognize my regret. The shop was almost thirty minutes away from the arena, without traffic. Considering morning rush hour was in place, I could count on being late.

But I had agreed. The guilt of being late ate at me, but even the thought of letting everyone down was nauseating. Making my head spin and eyes water at even the slightest vision of their frowning faces and furrowed brows.

So, I got in my car, ignoring every text as I broke every law of the road to reach the coffee shop as quickly as possible. Eyes squinting at the morning sun and arms sticky from condensation.

——————————————————————————

When I arrived to the arena, it was bustling. The stage crew rushing around to find parts of equipment needed for the upcoming soundcheck, managing security debriefing down the hall for barricade procedures. The heat almost unbearable in each hallway.

It all led to the one room that everyone gathered in. A larger dressing room that was more of a living room. Colder than most of the building and more decorated too.

Laughter filtered through the cracked double doors, cold hair slipping through like a small taste of what heaven felt like in that moment. You could see everyone standing in a circle, cups of water held loosely in each one’s hand as they joked around as a tight knit group of friends would.

They must of smelled the goods, it must have wafted because without even a noise being made, Nyoh, Pauli and Mitch were looking straight at me. Smiles painted on their faces wide and welcoming, reflecting their actions as I was swarmed by every single band member at once. Hands grabbing at the donut box and tray of coffee all but ripped out of the palm of my unsteady hand.

Their gratefulness was overwhelming at first. Supplying me with that addictive euphoria I longed for with each task I put myself through. They hustled around to take a peak at what I had bought. Ready to stuff their faces with a little of each as I settled in for the day.

Silence fell over the room suddenly, a deep breath being inhaled only to be held. Almost as if someone was trying to find something to say, but had come short. Unable to figure out the right articulation of their statement.

“What, is something wrong?” I smiled sweetly, walking over to the table. Sarah shrugged, turning to me with a sweet smile, hand on my shoulder almost like it was a support for what was about to be said.

“Oh, nothing. We just don’t really like these flavors.” Nyoh shared bravely, smiling halfway, still focused on the opened and not crinkled donut box.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry guys, I wasn’t told if you guys wanted anything specific. I can run back and get some more?” Somehow, even in my greatest efforts, I still came short. Guilt eating at me that I had probably ruined their morning. Delaying their breakfast because I had to be a screw up. It made me sicker than the pit in my stomach this morning had made me.

“No, no. It’s okay. I’ll just order some online. It’ll be here quick.” My face looked just as blank as my mind was.

In that moment, I lacked all ability to respond. Thoughts running wild, much to fast to say anything except a pathetic squeak.

“Oh.” Is what I said. If I wasn’t such a coward, such a push over, a walking talking door mat, I would’ve yelled. Ripped the hair from my scalp.

“Why did you make me drive all the way there this morning if you could just order it? What about the money I spent? Are you going to pay me back or is this just another involuntary favor I’ve gone out of my way to complete?” If I was Harry, which I’m not, I would’ve said that. I would’ve yelled and cried and defended my name with all my willpower. Not letting anyone interrupt. I’d have some self respect but that wasn’t me.

I am Y/n Y/l/n. The girl who sits in the back of the stage, doing so much for so little. The girl who gives up everything for everyone because she can’t control it. Because she’s sick in the head.

So I said, “Oh.” Like an idiot. My throat dry and my eyes watery. I nodded, firm and short. Ready to make my exit.

Everyone turned back to their circle, laughing again as the order was placed. In a room full of my brothers and sisters I couldn’t help but feel out of place. Unappreciated. Suddenly, it was like my endless empathy and compassion wasn’t enough for them. It wasn’t good enough. And if that wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good enough.

And as I disappeared behind the double doors, not a soul called back for me. A ghost to everyone. Unappreciated and unaware of the intense heartbreak I was facing.

In this moment, I believe it’s where it got bad. Worse than ever before. My brain no longer silently resisting as my entire being longed for that nod of approval and the appreciative conversations that came after it.

It continued, like this, all day. My feet padding against the pavement and onto the tiles of the hallways. Sweat sticking to my forehead and dripping down my neck. It looked in my shirt.

All day I’d been running around helping. The itch to be better, to do better overwhelming. If it was fetching a water bottle for the sound guys or searching up and down religiously for a missing headset for the lighting crew, I was first on the scene to assist in every way possible.

Each nod and smile sent my way fueling my addiction. Each action I pursued further breaking my promise to Harry more and more. I felt myself slipping away.

I just wanted to be good. Longed for it every waking minute. Like if I kept pushing, kept reaching that desired feeling, achieving each goal to make another persons life easier, I lost more and more of myself. Stress building like a ton of bricks throw on my shoulders. The weight unbearable. Heavier and heavier each minute.

Harry had finally shown up, ready to begin soundcheck. His in ears hung around his neck carelessly. White shirt stuck to his body in sweat. The words crinkled to a point where they were unrecognizable. His shorts were short and shoes light on the floor. He looked satisfied, light and well rested. The opposite of everything I felt.

“Hey, angel!” He called enthusiastically.

For the first time that day, my cheeks lifted from a genuine smile. Not one caused by a success in helping another person, or a result of devoting all my time and energy to another. But because someone who never asked anything of me and still held as much if not more appreciation for me had welcomed me into his arms without any requests.

I let myself melt into his touch, eyebrows relaxing and heartbeat slowing for the first time all day. His lips rested flat against the top of my head, arms held tight around mine, chest pressed against mine. We were a sweaty tangled mess but I couldn’t have been happier.

“Ready to do some test runs?” He questioned, moving back to brush away beads of sweat that had collected on my rosy face. I nodded eagerly, though inside I felt weary and panicked at the idea of having yet another long task to do.

Another swift peck was delivered to my forehead, Harry’s hold retreating from my body. He led the way to the stage before stopping.

“Shit, I forgot the waters. Y/n, would you mind grabbing them? I left them by the water fountain.” I nodded, blinking harshly. My feet pivoting away from him, shoulders hunched and muscles tensed.

My feet moved quick, running down the halls to find the pack of water bottles Harry had instructed me to grab.

The plastic was soon in my line of vision. Full and cool to the touch. They were heavy. Nothing I couldn’t carry normally, but the unforgiving tension within my muscles made it hard to move. Multiple times I stopped to set it down, breath jagged and heavy. Hands slipping away from the plastic cover as my palms were lathered in sweat and leaking water from inside the package.

And suddenly, the hallways that was once so short became longer and longer. A never ending straightaway that only felt hotter and hotter with each step. My mind weighed me down. Pulling me into a spiral of negative thoughts and emotions. I began to believe I couldn’t do it. No, I knew I couldn’t do it.

No matter how much I wished, longed to do the only thing Harry, my best friend, my lover, had ever asked of me, I couldn’t physically continue. The bricks building finally reaching the maximum and breaking the camels back. This final request dealing my final blow. And each thought, each straining muscle crashing underneath it.

The crash was loud, when I went down. Knees hitting the floor, the sound of bones hitting concrete muffled by the squeak of water exploding throughout the thin passageway. The plastic breaking and the singular packages of the liquid bouncing around. Running off and away.

Only then did the panic reach an all time high. As if the severity of it couldn’t get worse. It did. My hands reaching out to grasp at any stray bottles. Holding them close to my chest. Keeping the few I could reach close to my body. I shook, unable to breathe suddenly.

Maybe it was the humidity, or the heat. Maybe it was another heat stroke. But no, to anyone passing by, or anyone who could have seen it from an outside perspective, it was clear that this was not the weather. This was deeper than that. This was pure panic. Something I’d buried for years all surfacing at once like a tsunami of pain washing over my lungs and drowning me in it.

A sob racked through my body, the cry escaping my clenched jaw with such force, my throat burned after. The rising nausea Id felt all morning turning out to only be a lump of anxiety that had grown ten times its size and finally escaped its cage.

Everything hurt, in that moment. My lungs on fire and my eyes crying themselves a river. The tips of my finger scratched at my throat. The only breaths that manages to get in and out being the gasps for air between each sob. I tried to grab my throat, grab my chest. Anything to make it easier to breathe. Yet, my hands were locked around the water like a vise. I couldn’t pry myself away from it if I had tried.

My head pounded, my body growing weaker, aching into less of a dull pain and more of a searing sensation pricking across my skin like pins and needles.

My ears were ringing, downing out everything other than the heaviness of my breathing and volume of my cries. So much so, I hadn’t heard the heavy footsteps rushing in my direction. I hadn’t seen Harry in a full sprint rushing to my aid.

No, in my full blown panic attack, I hadn’t even been able to process he was there with me until his fingers curled around my shoulders and his green eyes looked into mine.

I watched his mouth move rapidly, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Still unable to hear, eyes moving too fast to read his lips.

“H-Harry I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.” I all but yelled. My breathing loud, sounding of a wheeze.

Even in my state, the dining intense and my body still burning, I understood he was doing his best to calm me. Familiar with the feelings that had overtaken my body.

In the mess, he has somehow managed to rip the water from my grasp. My hands flying to his shoulders, head buried between his shoulder and neck. His shirt wet with my tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The words came out like a prayer.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t know why I was sorry. Maybe for not doing my job I promised him. Maybe for adding stress to his already full plate. Maybe it was me convincing myself I was only becoming more of an inconvenience to him. Either way, I felt him shake his head.

“Don’t say that. No, stop apologizing. Fuck, stop it.” He begged gently, hands rubbing along my spine in an attempt to soothe me.

In some ways, it worked. The ringing fading into the background and my lungs becoming a little less tender. But the burning was still there and breathing was still a struggle.

I shook my head against his skin, eyes shut in embarrassment.

“I’ll pick it all up. I’ll clean everything that spilled. I’ll-I can fix this.” I pleaded, more for myself than for him. He held me tighter.

“No. No you won’t. It’s not your problem. Y/n, stop. Stop. Please, listen to me.” He sounded more stern than calm now. A different approach being taken to get me to snap out of it.

“Y/n you did everything you could and that was more than enough. You are more than enough. Please, believe me. Please, try to understand my perspective.” By now, my eyes were dry, all my tears used up. My breathing heavy but manageable. The gasps fading into soft hitches of breath from my intense sobbing.

“You promised me, you promised that you would stop doing this. Stop overworking yourself for the benefit of others. And I believed you, but I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have because I know you. I know you better than anyone here, so I know you’ll never change.” I looked at him through my eyelashes, slouching further into myself, I sat away from him. Head pulling itself off of his shoulder to face him.

“I’m so-“ He cut me off, not wanting to hear another apology slip past my lips.

“I wish. I wish you could see what I see. How everyone else sees you. How you’re more than enough even without all these extravagant attempts to ease our stress. Y/n, you do so much more for us in one week than we could ever hope to do in one year. You put yourself last in every single situation. You’re selfless and the most empathetic person I have ever had the privilege to know. You’re brave, a-and passionate about everyone. How can you not see that? That this enough? You just being here is enough?” It was like the roles were swapped. My eyes drying while Harry’s filled with tears. Filled to the brim along his waterline. He blinked them away, my thumb quick to find the few that fell past his eyelashes and wipe it from his skin.

“I wish I could promise you that I’ll change, Harry. I wish I could tell you I’ll never do this again, but if I’m completely honest, just for a second, I can’t do that. It’s like, my brain is wired specifically to aid to everyone else’s issues. I can’t rest until I’ve done everything I can, Harry. I just can’t. And my chest hurts. It physically hurts me not being able to make everyone happy. I just feel like I’m always doing something wrong. Like I’m disappointing everyone.” I ripped myself open completely with my confession, showing a vulnerability I hadn’t even had the courage to admit six inches away from a mirror.

“I don’t expect you to change, love. I just hope that one day, you’ll be able to see what we all see. What we all recognize everyday. That you’ll figure it out.” His hands held mine. His steady hands drilling my shaky ones.

My eyebrows furrowed into a sad expression, but it was a good sad. One that needed to be expressed.

“I love you.” It was quiet, barely a whimper. My throat dry and eyes puffy. He smiled, sighing softly. Not out of irritation, but admiration. A soft smile playing on his face.

“I love you more.”

In that moment I felt less of a failure and more like a success. Like ultimately, even if I had failed myself in more ways than I could possibly count out loud, ultimately, in some odd, twisted way, I had won. Guilt continued to eat at me and my stomach would always twist at the idea of letting someone down, but it was lesser than before. Being told I was more than enough sparked something small inside of my brain. I couldn’t promise to change, I couldn’t promise to stop overthinking and pushing myself down. But I knew I could get better. I could work on it. I know that, and I’m thankful for that.

#harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #peoplepleaserpt2 #people pleaser #fine line lyrics #hslot harry #hslot23

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mlove44lh · 1 year ago

Text

Don't hurt yourself

Chapter 8 - Redemption

Masterlist

Previously chapter

Warnings: angst, swearing, mention of loss

Words: 9,247

there are probably some mistakes in the translation. I'm a bit rusty. Soryy

“I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade. My grandma said "Nothing real can be threatened." True love brought salvation back into me. With every tear came redemption and my torturers became my remedy. So we're gonna heal. Me and you.”

Day 0

“I've dreamt about this for so long that I cannot even recall when this idea first took root within me.

I've memorized and held in my mind every tiny detail of this day. I've spent hours envisioning how it would unfold, researching without even having someone in mind to share this dream with.

And yet, even with all the planning and rehearsing every step in my mind for this perfect day, I never anticipated it would be as perfect as this.

The sky is clear and without clouds. And even though the wind is present, it's almost imperceptible on my skin, even with my arms uncovered.

Just for this weather in the middle of November, I could already consider this day a miracle, as evidence of a love that will be eternal and is already perfect.

The veil gently sways around me. I catch a glimpse of my guests through the sheer fabric that surrounds me. I know I have all my family and friends present, and I'm overjoyed that everyone is finally gathered. But I couldn't look at anyone else now except my future husband, who awaits me at the altar with a smile that assures me everything will be okay in our new life together.

And I believe him with a confidence I didn't know existed within me.

His dark eyes shine like never before, a privilege I've never witnessed. I know I grip my father's arm with a certain strength, but I need to feel the tension in my fingertips at least to prove to myself that I am still alive, and this is not a dream.

What reassures me is knowing that, even though I am a dreamer, I could never fantasize about such perfection.

It's as if my entire life has led up to this moment.”

Day 2,520

I waited for something. Something big, like in the movies. Something that would make me change, that would make everything fall into place perfectly so we could leave it all behind.

Even after all that, I waited. After the disrespect, after hearing from the mouth of the most despicable person I've ever known all the horrible things he was capable of doing, after being called scandalous for a behavior I know was unforgivable. Even after all of that, I waited for something.

But that something never came.

Real life is cruel, and these kinds of things don't happen. Sometimes what seems real is indeed real; sometimes the one pulling the trigger is the same person who vowed to protect you. And this kind of betrayal is the worst of all.

I was forced to stop believing in my personal fairy tale when the prince charming drove a knife into my chest.

I was yanked out of my perfect life, and the jolt was so strong that I don't know how I survived.

I look at my ring finger and even though the wedding ring is no longer here, the mark will probably last for a long time, as a visual reminder of all this.

The room is cold, and I feel his gaze on me, which makes the feeling of suffocation even bigger. My gaze remains low; this is the last place I want to be.

The door opens and the silence is cut by the mediator who introduces himself and then sits down between the four of us.

My heart races as I realize what is about to happen.

"We can begin the hearing."

Day 365

"I didn't think it could get any better after we got married, but I've never been so happy to be wrong.

The year has flown by, and all our time together has been precious. Even though Lewis isn't always present, when we're together, it feels like all the challenges of jet-lags and sleepless nights become insignificant.

One of his hands blocks my vision while the other guides me gently by the waist. I feel Lewis laughing behind me, while I become more restless than ever.

The hustle and bustle of London is miles behind us. Lewis drove, which is unusual since I'm usually the one behind the wheel.

I have no idea what I'll find here, so I eagerly await the revelation I've been waiting for hours.

"You know I hate surprises."

"I know. But you're going to like this one." He stops walking but keeps his hand over my eyes.

"It's our first wedding anniversary. It had to be something big."

"Something big?! Lewis, I got you a watch."

"And I loved my new Rolex. And this gift isn't exactly just for you; it's for both of us.”

Lewis removes his hand from my eyes; it takes me a few seconds to adjust to the brightness. The sunlight illuminates a large field surrounded by greenery. The weather is chilly, but the sunlight makes everything seem warm and cozy.

In the midst of two tall trees stands a house with a white-painted facade. Windows adorn the front of the house, along with some flowers planted around the residence.

It's a beautiful, delicate home, large enough for a family to live in, yet not so grand as to be intimidating. It's the perfect refuge for a lifetime, surrounded by the people you love.

I spend a few seconds observing the facade. Lewis steps away from my side and comes in front of me. His smile is huge, and I can tell by his expression that he's waiting for me to say something. But I wouldn't know what to say when I don't even know what I'm looking at now.

"What do you think?" His expectation implicit in his words.

"Lewis...” It can't be this, he can't have just bought a new house for us. “What is this?"

"Wait. I want you to see inside."

His hand fits into mine, and Lewis practically drags me inside. My excitement is so overwhelming that I can hardly think straight now. This is so much more than I expected.

The living room is spacious, and the wooden beams make everything cozier. The furniture is already arranged, and it's as if they've taken every detail from one of my dreams.

"There's a pool outside." He opens the large glass door, revealing more outdoor space. “We can put a big table here for when we have guests.”

His words come out quickly, like an excited child with something new, his eyes shining like two stars as Lewis divides his gaze from me to the entire house. He doesn't take long to return with his hand in mine, leading me to the second floor of the residence.

The master bedroom adopts a lighter tone than the rest of the house, covered in wood. The white paint on the walls makes the room even more spacious. Everything looks clean and new.

"You really did this?" My voice comes out almost in a whisper, and I then feel the urge to cry that hits me. “Lewis, it's perfect.”

"It's ours," he says. His voice is lower compared to minutes ago; the excitement seems to have eased. "I planned over the last year."

"This is... I'm speechless. It's perfect. But how would we do this? I mean, with our work and everything else."

It would be madness to move to the countryside from London at a time like this, even though it feels like a dream.

"I may have anticipated things a little. But we can come in a few years. This could be the house where we'll grow old together and raise our kids. It's the perfect place. We just have to wait a bit, and in the meantime, we can come whenever we want some time alone. 45 minutes from London and no neighbors for a few blocks sounds good, right?"

I can only smile. The idea of having a family by your side and growing old together is still something that can truly move me.

"Yes. It sounds perfect."

He smiles.

"Come on, I want to show you one last thing."

I can barely take in the details of the room before being pulled again.

Lewis opens the door to the room next to ours; unlike the others, this room has no furniture. A large window is situated in the middle of one of the walls, illuminating every corner of the room. I stand still at the door while Lewis finally calms down behind me.

"There are two more rooms like this, still empty." I feel the excitement within me as soon as I realize where Lewis is going. "We'll set them up together, at the right time. For our children. Let's fill this house with happiness, Y/n."

I turn to him, and I feel some tears escaping from my eyes. I couldn't be happier about this surprise.

I press our lips into a kiss that takes a while to break, just so I can speak before returning to him.

"This is all I want.”

"There are no children in common between the couple, and the divorce seems to be agreed upon by both parts. If there is no impasse with the last proposed agreement, I believe there is no need to extend this hearing."

‘Divorce. Agreement. Both parts.’ It looks as bad as it sounds. How could there be agreement on something as painful and profound as this? That's not what happens, I'm not here because I want to, I'm here because I need to be here, I'm here because I owe it to myself and the part that died inside me. I owe this as justice to the girl who believed so much in fairy tales. So no, there is no agreement whatsoever with this situation.

I glance at my lawyer and gesture to speak with him, but it doesn't become necessary. His throat clearing draws the attention of the few people in the room.

The proposed divorce agreement in the document I left with Lewis that morning was denied, as were the other two made by my lawyer. It seems there was some kind of impasse between what Lewis desired and what his representatives sought.

So, I waited for the counterproposal, and when it came, I tried to come to terms with it. There was much more for me than I asked for in the previous agreements, and much less than what I could receive if I had the slightest interest in a legal battle. The perfect agreement between a remorseful man who thinks money buys karma and the lawyers protecting his empire.

But overall, it wasn't that bad, except for one detail.

"There is a disagreement from my client regarding the agreement proposed by Mr. Hamilton."

They look at us with curiosity. Lewis raises his gaze full of doubt, which meets mine.

"And what would that be?" The mediator settles into his chair, leaning towards us.

I could vomit if I had ingested anything. I wish I could just accept anything proposed and leave right away. But I don't want to leave with anything other than what already belongs to me, and I certainly have no interest in something that would keep me tied to Lewis in any way.

I know this is another thing I shouldn't do. Especially if the hypothesis in my mind proves to be true. But I don't care anymore; I have every right to use the shell of a bad person at least once.

I have the right to escape from him.

"My client is no longer interested in the shares related to Mr. Hamilton's companies. As well as the residence in London. We would like to present a counterproposal, where the shares would be transferred back, and the house would be entirely in his name, if there is agreement, of course."

I watch my lawyer pass new papers to the mediator, who carefully examines each one.

I want to disappear from his life in every way possible; I won't heal if I don't distance myself from him. Continuing with the shares in my name would put me in moments like this. Trapped at a meeting table with him by my side. And the house would only remind me of everything that never was. I don't even want to drive past it, even though it's a new residence; it's infested with ghosts for me.

"What?!" Lewis diverts everyone's attention, even from the mediator, who is still examining the papers in front of him. "What are you talking about? These shares are rightfully yours, Y/n. We earned this together." Hearing his voice in person after so many weeks makes me want to cry.

"Mr. Hamilton, please. Only your lawyer has the right to speak at this moment, okay?" The mediator's voice becomes slightly louder to draw Lewis's attention.

There's a lot of disbelief in his gaze, while mine overflows with sorrow.

If only it were just businesses and numbers, the only things we conquered together, all of this would be infinitely easier.

"Don't do this. The shares are yours too, you know that."

Lewis completely ignores the mediator and continues speaking directly to me. His gaze reveals pleading, as if he's seeking redemption and the only way to achieve it is to ensure I end up with millions in shares.

It's tempting. But we're talking about a woman with a wounded ego and immense pride. So, thanks, but no.

"Mr. Hamilton, please."

The mediator seems a bit nervous. Meanwhile, his lawyer becomes restless and leans in to speak with Lewis.

"If she's giving up willingly, you should consider it. We're not talking about something small, Lewis." His lawyer's voice is low, but within this tiny room and with everyone else silent, it would be impossible not to hear his words.

Lewis still looks at me, and I still look at him. I haven't opened my mouth to respond to him, and I don't intend to. All I want is to leave this place soon with what I want, or rather, what I don't want.

"I don't care about that." Lewis responds to his lawyer, but still looking at me. I could even say there's a hint of anger in his expression, if only I still knew this person in front of me.

Day 1,397

“Waking up to the smell of coffee at home is one of my favorite things because I know when it happens, he's home. And it couldn't be any different; he promised me he would be.

My arms wrap around him as soon as I find him in the kitchen. His bare torso is warm and makes me feel at home like nothing else ever came close to achieving.

His hands hand me a cup of coffee, and our lips come together in a kiss full of the longing that seems never to go away, no matter how close we are.

"How is it possible for someone who hates coffee to make the best coffee I've ever had in my life?!"

Lewis laughs before placing his hands on my waist.

"You say that because you're in love with me and like everything I do. Literally, everyone who's had my coffee didn't like it."

"That's because they don't know how to appreciate the strongest coffee that has ever entered their system." Laughter echoes through the apartment. "But seriously, honey, as much as I love it, you have to go easy on the amount of grounds. I could stay awake for days if I had more than one cup in the morning."

His hands tighten around my waist enough to make me sigh. I place my mug with the hot liquid on the counter and soon bring my hands back to his bare back.

I see the smile fading from his face, replaced by a serious expression.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking."

"Want to share that?"

"I'm not sure you'll like the idea very much." A shy smile returns to his lips and my curiosity rises. "I know that wasn't the plan. But I can't stop thinking about it."

His eyes are no longer in contact with mine.

"Come on. Tell me."

"Well." He seems anxious, perhaps genuinely concerned about my reaction. "I think, maybe. If you want. We could start trying to expand the family."

My smile drops.

Not because I don't want this, but because I want it so bad that just the idea of Lewis also wanting it even before what was planned between us makes my stomach churn with happiness. I don't know if it's because of Lewis's strong coffee or my excitement, but suddenly I become aware of my accelerated heartbeat.

"I mean. If you still want to wait, we can. I know you have your work, and..."

"No!" I interrupt his train of thought. "I just wasn't expecting that right now." I have to think about the words before I can say them. "Lewis. Are you serious?"

I pull his face back to mine and force him to look at me. We are so close to each other that Lewis must be able to feel my own heartbeat against his chest.

"I've been thinking about this for a while. I know we agreed to wait until after Formula 1, to move to London and start our family. But I don't think I'm going to retire anytime soon, and I want a family with you now. And I know it will be crazy to have a child in the middle of all the travels and chaos of our life, but..." His smile grows even wider. "It will be our child, right?! If there's someone who could handle all of this, it's him. Or her."

My excitement is so overwhelming that I can hardly think of anything to say.

I know my eyes overflow with happiness and emotion, and I see Lewis's eyes mirroring the same.

I pull him closer to me, pressing against him with no desire to let him go anywhere.

"You know how much I want this." I pull him into a kiss that ends up being a bit messy due to our excitement.

"Is that a yes?" Lewis separates us for a moment to speak.

"Of course!"

"We'll take a break so that Mr. Hamilton's lawyer can review the counterproposal and to calm things down a bit.”

I watch both of them stand up. Lewis leaves the room almost running, while his lawyer follows him with the new papers in hand. I feel numb, I need to tap my feet on the floor a few times to make sure I won't fall when I stand up.

“Y/n. Are you sure about the counterproposal?” Adam, my lawyer, turns his chair towards me. His voice is low even though there's no need for it. Since there's no one else in the room. “I know you have your reasons, but we're talking about over fifty million. That could become much more over the years. Giving it away like this to him could be a mistake. You could at least sell them.”

"No. I don't want anything more from him, Adam." His expression reveals what he doesn't say, which makes me feel the need to justify myself. "I'm not saying this just because I'm hurt, I'm saying this because I really want out of this, I don't want to deal with anything related to Lewis anymore. And I know it may sound crazy, but every penny coming from those shares would only make me feel even worse. So yes, I am positive about my decision."

"Alright. I understand." His compassionate look kills me. I turn away from his expression to avoid dealing with that pity stamped on his face. "I think they'll agree, there wouldn't be a reason to delay this any further."

"I hope so." I don't wait for a response, leaving Adam in his place and stepping out of the room in search of fresh air.

Day 1,716

"I promised I wouldn't disappoint myself this time. I thought it would be easier not to see what I wanted for the seventh consecutive time. But no. Every month, it just hurts more.

I stare at the small plastic object in my hand as I feel a lump in my throat.

A damn red line.

One. Just one.

I feel Lewis's arm around me and his face resting on my shoulder.

We started trying a few months ago. We knew that if we waited for the perfect moment, it would never come. We travel all the time, and Formula 1 takes up a good part of Lewis's life. Besides, it's a dangerous sport.

But the desire for our children proved to be so big that any potential problem seems microscopic in comparison. We have a serious relationship and stability, as well as plenty of willingness and love, what could be missing?!

So, I stopped taking the pills and waited for it to happen. But it didn't. Not in the first month, not in the second, it started to bother me in the third. But I didn't imagine it would reach the seventh unsuccessful attempt.

I try to contain myself and pretend to myself that everything is fine. We're young, we have plenty of time to make this happen. But the frustration is written all over my face.

"We can keep trying,” his voice comes out muffled because his face is resting on me. “It's the best part anyway,” he jokes.

A soft laugh escapes my lips.

“Yeah. Maybe next time, huh?”

I take the test out of my field of vision and look at Lewis. He adjusts his posture and nods while looking at me attentively.

Maybe he's waiting for some kind of outpouring, or even restrained tears. But there isn't any. Not because I'm not feeling sad, but because it wouldn't make sense right now. Especially when he's just minutes away from leaving home for another one of his countless work weekends. A tearful wife wouldn't be the best thing to leave on his mind before all the concentration needed for a Grand Prix.

“We could consult with a specialist if you want.”

He stands up and goes to his suitcase.

“No. I don't think it's necessary now.” My face betrays my words. The question of why a pregnancy hasn't happened yet has been weighing on my mind for months. “We can wait for some more time.”

He sighs.

“Alright.” His hands rest on the handle of his suitcase. “I have to go. Will you be okay?”

“If I say no, will you stay here with me?” Compassion fills his eyes, making me immediately regret what I just said. I truly wish he would give up work sometimes, but I would never ask him for that. Not wanting to be inconvenient, and already knowing the answer. “I'm kidding. Go, go save the world, number forty-four.”

“You're my world.” Lewis walks over to me and plants a kiss on my forehead. That makes me smile. “See you on Monday.”

I go down the dozens of stairs arranged in front of the court. I sit down on one of the steps before reaching the end of them.

The streets are bustling. It couldn't be different on a Tuesday morning. I try to focus on the lives of people swiftly passing by, hoping to distract myself from the lump in my throat.

There are so many things on my mind that I can't even concentrate on one of them. It's like a buzzing is taking over me, leaving no room for anything else. Neither my expectations for a new life, nor the object kept in my bag, nor the hypothesis that should be consuming me, nor my marriage dissipating while I watch it all, nor my exhaustion. None of this is enough to make me feel anything.

I notice his presence beside me through my peripheral vision. He sits down, leaving almost no space between us but without touching me. I don't move to look at him or to move away from his figure. I remain focused on the people walking in front of us, wishing at this moment to have the life of the lady strolling peacefully with her dog through the streets of Monaco.

"How did we get to this?"

Of all the things I expected to hear from Lewis after weeks of not talking, this would be the last of my assumptions.

I don't think much before responding to him.

“I don't know.” I feel his gaze on me, but I still don't turn to him. “I don't think it happened at a specific moment. If only we could attribute it to one exact thing, it would make things easier.”

I can hear his breath next to me; he seems shaken, restless in his place.

“Y/n, if I could go back and undo what I did...”

“It wouldn't change a thing.” I interrupt his speech. I couldn't bear to hear Lewis's lamentations, especially at a moment like this, where I'm so detached from my own self that I'm not even aware of my emotions. “Our marriage ended before you cheated me. It ended long before that, long before losing our child. It happened, I don't think it's a good idea to keep tormenting ourselves thinking about what could have been. Because it wasn't. Simple as that. We're here today.”

He stares at me; I know he's looking into my eyes, and from the position of his body leaning towards me, I can deduce that he longs for my reciprocity. But I don't want to, and I can't look at him right now. As much as all my instincts honed over these years are begging me to go towards him.

“What if we kept trying?" He doesn't even believe in his own words. The sentence comes out like a final sigh.

“We tried for a long time. But we gave up at some point. We kept giving up on small things until they turned into huge things.”

This is the end. I know that. I've had it in my mind for a long time, and I'm sure of this decision. But it should hurt less. I should at least have the ability to breathe or to face my — still — husband.

I don't feel my words coming. I just feel the need to say them, maybe because I need a conclusion. Or because I got used to sharing everything with him, and that's still something that needs to go away.

“I don't feel happy to be here today. Maybe I should have fought more, and you too. But despite that, I know this is the right decision. And even if you don't admit it, I know you agree with me. There's no point in thinking about what could have been done when, in the end, we're here today. And nothing will change that.”

Finally, I gather the courage to look at him. He looks like a complete stranger, a totally different person than he used to be.

His gaze, which was always the thing I loved most about him, now doesn't have the same effect on me. Everything about Lewis seems off. And even though I'm close to him, I don't feel him here.

The person by my side has become a stranger. I'm overwhelmed by grief for someone who is alive and in front of me but is nowhere near who they used to be.

I stare at him for a few seconds before speaking again.

“That's the only regret I have. This habit of deceiving ourselves, the complacency we let take over our marriage. Because if we had realized earlier, if we hadn't let it get to this point where we both ended up hurt, then I would remember all these years with immense happiness. But that's not what happens. I can't even look at you because it hurts so much.” I watch tears invade his eyes right in front of mine. I feel anger and regret at the same level. “And that's the part that kills me. Knowing that the best years of my life will be the most painful to remember.” Only when I stop to breathe do I realize that I'm also crying. I let the tears flow freely down my face as I continue my train of thought. “I don't know if this feeling will change. If with time, it will get better, all I know is what I'm feeling today and what I'm living today. And I've decided that from now on, this is what I'm going to focus on. The present.”

He doesn't say anything for some time.

We stare at each other without any intention whatsoever. There's nothing to be said that would make any difference.

“I'm sorry.” I barely recognize his voice, just like the rest of his being.

“I know. Me too.”

Day 2,125

“The notification sound on my phone breaks my focus from the TV program. I grab the device resting on the couch cushion and check the notification. As soon as I read the message, my boredom is replaced by another wave of hope, as it has been happening every month for over a year.

The notification arrived, and Lewis is home today, things that almost never happen at the same time. Maybe this is a sign that this month will finally be the one that works.

Everything is seen as a sign for a desperate woman.

I jump off the couch and head towards our bedroom.

Lewis is lying down, his attention fixed on the large TV, airing the same program I was watching in the living room. The realization leaves me confused, and even a little sad. Why would he prefer to stay away from me than do exactly the same thing he's doing here, next to me?!

I swallow my wounded ego and ignore the unpleasant feeling that this understanding left me. After all, what we need to do is much bigger than my tantrum.

I climb onto the bed and approach him. Lewis doesn't bother to move.

I straddle his lap without any difficulty. My kisses start on his lips and are instinctively reciprocated by him, but his hands remain inert. I grind on his lap in an attempt to stir something. Nothing.

I move my kisses towards his abdomen, and it's only at that moment that Lewis takes some action. Not the one I wanted, of course.

“Y/n. Love. Not today, okay?*

His hands come to me, not to enjoy more of my touch, but to stop me from continuing. This irritates me, but it doesn't prevent me from continuing. I return to his neck and distribute kisses on his skin, with no intention of giving up what I need.

“Come on. It'll be quick.”

I lower my hands to the elastic of his sweatpants while still showering him with kisses, but my movements are interrupted by him.

“Y/n, stop! I said no.” His voice is loud, which makes me stop immediately.

He moves away from me abruptly. Lewis gets up without any care for how he leaves me on the bed.

I feel embarrassed like never before, anger comes in the same dimension.

”Lewis, what the fuck?!”

“I'm tired of this shit. What do you think? That I'm a damn robot you can press a button and get whatever you want? That's ridiculous.”

“I thought you wanted this too.”

Lewis's breathing is audible; he's restless as he stares at me.

"And I want to, but not like this. When was the last time we had sex because we were horny, not because we're obligated to fuck every time your phone notifies you about your fertile period, Y/n?"

"I don't know, Lewis. I'm trying to get what both of us want here."

"Yes, you're trying that by becoming the coldest person on earth. What's the next step? Do you want me to come in a jar and hand it over to you?"

"That's actually a good idea. It would make things a lot easier."

Sarcasm slips out of me effortlessly. I feel anger rising in my body. And anxiety too.

"For God's sake!" He enters the bathroom but leaves the door open. I hear the running water from the tap for a few seconds before he speaks again.

"What the hell do you want, Lewis?!" My voice erupts in a scream.

He comes back quickly to stand in front of me.

“My wife!" He yells too. "That's what I want, Y/n. Can you bring her back?! Or has this obsession taken her away too?"

My frustration is so intense that I feel my throat burning with tears that want to fall. We've never shouted at each other, never fought like we are now. Everything feels like a horrible and senseless chaos.

"I had a terrible weekend. And you didn't even bother to ask how things are. I asked you to come with me to the Grand Prix, and you chose to stay here, probably to consult with another doctor to tell you exactly what all the others have said, if there's any other doctor left in Monaco that you haven't consulted. You're so blinded by this idea that you forgot to keep living your life."

A humorless laugh escapes my lips.

"Oh, poor little thing. You had a terrible weekend? I had a terrible year, Lewis! And I'm not crying because no one came to console me or anything like that. I'm trying to do what I should, what both of us want. You don't have the right to judge me for that." I get out of bed and walk towards the door. Frustrated and overwhelmed by guilt. Today could have been the day, but it wasn't. It wasn't because he didn't want it. "Grow up, Lewis. And if you want someone to pat you on the head, go find someone else, because it won't be me."

It's the last thing I say before slamming the door behind me.”

“I think we should go back inside.”

His voice breaks the silence between us, which has lingered for some time. We stopped talking minutes ago, but we didn't feel the need to move away from each other.

I think we both know that this is the last time we stay together like this. There's no guilt in wanting to prolong this moment, as sad as it may be.

I nod as I look back at him.

I know this was the opportunity to finally tell him what I believe is happening, but I simply can't. It was too hard to get to this point, and sharing my suspicions would only hurt him and further delay the inevitable. I don't need to subject him to that, because if I'm truly right, I know this issue won't be something that lingers for long. And if I can spare him from this additional pain, that's what I'll do.

"I'll sign the papers. If that's really what you want."

"No. That's definitely not what I want, Lewis." I stand up alongside him. "But it's what we have to do if there's still any respect left for what we both lived together."

We enter the grand courtroom together, taking small steps. We walk side by side without any hurry towards the cold room that awaits us, not saying a word. No need for more lamentations. Certain of what will happen, uncertain about the future we hadn't imagined without each other.

I return to my seat, my heart racing as everyone settles in.

"My client agrees to the counterproposal," his lawyer breaks the silence.

"That's good. Now that both parties agree, you may finally sign the documents, please," the mediator seems almost relieved.

The knot in my throat chokes me. I want to escape from here, I want to cry like a baby right now. This hurts like hell. I didn't think I would have a breakdown at this moment, not when everything is so close to ending.

I try to hold myself together, to keep my breathing in check and not show how close I am to bursting into tears and screams. I think I do well in that, as the only person who notices my instability is the only person in the room who is in the same situation as I am.

His red eyes betray a nearly palpable pain.

It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be ending this way.

We promised we would die together, old and gray, in our house with the white façade surrounded by flowers in London.

It wasn't supposed to end in a cold room at the first instance court in Monaco. This is so damn unfair.

Lewis takes the white papers that were handed to him by his lawyer. His hands shake, but only I notice. He doesn't avert his gaze from mine, not for a second, not even as he picks up the black pen placed in front of him. He wants to be sure. He wants one last confirmation from me.

Day 0

"Our hands fit perfectly. I instantly feel calmer with his touch. I step away from my father as I approach my fiancé.

“You look perfect.” He whispers in my ear as he gets close. The emotion in his voice is clear. Lewis plants a kiss on my cheek before turning to my father.

They shake hands. My father pulls Lewis into a half-hug, I know something is said in the midst of it by the older man, but I don't hear what. Just the possibilities that pass through my mind are enough to make me laugh.

Lewis doesn't take long to turn back to me; now his attention is entirely mine.

"Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, we are gathered here on this special day to celebrate the love and union of two souls who have decided to embark on this journey of life together.”

The celebrant begins to speak. My heart races, and the smile on my face feels like it will stay there forever.

Lewis looks more handsome than ever. His happiness manages to make him even more beautiful, as if that were possible. I want to look around, see if the flowers arranged are the ones we chose, or if everyone we invited is present. But I couldn't, I couldn't look anywhere when I have the best thing in my life right in front of me. Moving his mouth and telling me "I love you" without making a sound. Just for me to know, just to make it clear.

“Marriage is a unique moment, as it is the union of two individuals who choose to share their dreams, joys, and challenges side by side. Today, Lewis and Y/n, you are taking an important step in your lives, a step that represents the promise to love and care for each other, regardless of the circumstances. The journey of love is marked by highs and lows, but it is the partnership and complicity that will help you overcome all obstacles together. Love is the force that binds your hearts, making you stronger, braver, and more willing to face any adversity. Now, I ask for everyone's attention for the vows of the newlyweds.”

Anxiety consumes me even more, but I am excited to finally be able to say the words I have been holding inside me.

I turn to Alessia, who stands behind me. She hands me the small piece of paper I entrusted to her earlier.

I try to breathe a few times before starting to pronounce the words written by me on the lined paper.

“I think it's not news to anyone here how much of a dreamer I am. Everyone who knows me has heard about my fantasies at some point.” My laughter is accompanied by that of my guests. “Many of them I judged and was aware of being impossible. After all, I know that nothing can be perfect.” I take my eyes off the paper and lock eyes with Lewis for a few seconds. “I never thought I would be so happy to be wrong.”

I try to hold back the tears as I speak, but I know my emotion is implicit and one step away from taking over me.

“You showed me that my unrealistic dreams are not only possible but even better than in my imagination. Love transcends what I thought was impossible. Your love showed me that even the bad parts are worth it if I have you by my side.” Lewis smiles in a way different from the usual, tears fill his eyes too. Which only makes me even more fulfilled. “I never imagined that I would marry that guy I met by mere chance on a night out with my friends. Not because I didn't like you right away; because I think it's clear how I was already won over by you before even knowing your name.” His laughter echoes within me. “But because I imagined that when I found the love of my life, the feeling would be different. I would be afraid, anxious, uncertain at times. After all, that's what my mind and all love stories make us believe. That it has to be complicated to be real. But that's not what happened, everything between you and me was natural, it felt right from the beginning.”

I need a few seconds to breathe, look at our guests for a brief moment, and can capture all the emotion present in the room.

How is it possible for a moment to be so magical? How could all of this result in anything other than the perfection of a life together? I thought I was sure of something until now, but this feeling shows me otherwise. There is nothing within me greater than the conviction of the right decision for the love of my life.

“I took a while to realize that this is the essence of true love. The kind that happens fluidly and unconditionally, without pressures, fears, or insecurities. In you, I found the security and comfort I didn't even know I was looking for. Now, looking back at everything we've been through, I realize that every step that brought us here was guided by destiny. Every moment we shared, every laugh, every tear, everything was part of a carefully written plot for us to find each other in this perfect fairy tale.”

“And, my love, I promise to keep cherishing this feeling that binds us. Because it was by your side that I learned that true love doesn't need to be complicated or uncertain. I thank chance, destiny, and all the forces and entities that brought us together. I am blessed for this, and there are not enough words to express my gratitude at this moment. May our love continue to grow, to blossom, and may we face every challenge together with courage and complicity. Because if I'm by your side, I know there's nothing to fear, and we'll be fine as long as we're together.”

I articulate the last sentences while looking into your eyes; they are already engraved in me even before writing them.

Lewis presses his lips together; there are a few seconds of silence before we laugh at each other. In a mix of tears and happiness.

Knowing that it's now his turn makes me more anxious than minutes ago when I started my speech.

“Oh God.” He whispers with a choked voice. “How do you expect me to say anything after that?”

“Just breathe. I'm right here.”

Our hands connect again. I tighten my grip on him, waiting for the time Lewis needs to prepare.

Eventually, Lewis brings his hand to the pocket of his pants and takes out a folded piece of paper.

I notice the tremor in his hands. But his smile remains intact.

“Y/n…” He looks at me for a few seconds before returning his gaze to the paper. “I could spend hours here telling you how certain I am that you are the love of my life. How you showed me a life that I never imagined would be mine. Or how you taught me so much that I don't know how I survived before I met you.” The hand holding the paper tightens with a certain force, but his expression, in contrast, brings me peace. “But there are not enough vows of love to tell you what I would like now, Y/n. I don't think there's a combination of words that comes close to expressing what I really want, what I feel inside me. That's why I'm not going to try, not at this moment, not in this way. I will show you, every day, what no phrase at this moment could. And that's my promise to you.”

I feel an euphoria that could be mistaken for anxiety; each word of his envelops me in a way that I even feel numb, as if floating in an almost immortal state while I listen to him. Everything within me echoes that this is the moment, the pinnacle of genuine happiness. It's the moment I intend to remember every day for the rest of my life.

Simply, the best moment of all.

I even make an effort to set aside the awareness of my emotions a little. I'm not sure what could happen if I completely surrender to what I'm feeling. It's like a nirvana, and I hope it lasts forever within me.

Lewis pauses for a few seconds before continuing.

“You are the best part of me. I am my best version when I have you by my side. And for that, I promise to cultivate each of these things that move us, promise to take care of this love and never let it go away. I promise to remember every day how lucky I am to have a wife like you, even in those moments when you drive me crazy wanting something and not being sure what, and thinking I should be a deciphering master.” Everyone laughs, tears mixed with happiness on our faces. “No. It's okay, actually your ability to confuse me is one of the things I love about you.”

“You are light. You are happiness. You are peace and a storm at the same time; you are my foundation, the love of the life of someone who never believed in fairy tales. You are my fortress, and I hope to be yours. So, I'll be here, always right here, by your side. Making sure you are always content, always supported, never alone. Never alone.” He emphasizes the last sentence. His eyes glued to mine. “I love you.”

His gaze, intense and suffocating, seems to penetrate my skin, but I maintain composure, hiding the storm unraveling within me. Any gesture from me could end up prolonging this unbearable moment, and honestly, I don't know if I could endure another hour in this room.

I resist the temptation to look away and, instead, just nod slightly. In the ensuing silence, I try to capture every detail, every line on his face, as if this were the last time I would see him. His eyes, which once shone with love, now reflect only the shadow of what we were. His Adam's apple moves, and his gaze shifts away from mine, finally releasing me from this anguish.

The fingers holding the pen are tense, white from the applied pressure. The fine tip touches the paper, leaving a trail of farewell.

A final uncertain glance.

The last second as wife and husband.

I can't believe it ended like this.

But that's how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a suffocating silence, marking the end of something we swore to be eternal. The last trace of our connection fades away, and now all that remains is the journey unfolding before me. A life now redefined by the absence of what once was us.

[…]

I enter the apartment, and exhaustion takes over my body.

It's still mid-morning, but it feels like days have passed since I woke up.

My new home is nothing like the previous one; it's a simple apartment with three bedrooms that seems to have the perfect size to avoid feeling cramped but also not so large as to leave me lonely.

The apartment of a single woman.

The walls are predominantly white, with a single exception in the living room. I painted one of the walls blue on my first day here, a choice that now seems too impulsive. I look at that wall and feel a twinge of regret, but the idea of repainting it is simply inconceivable.

I don't even like the color blue.

Suddenly, I become aware of the object I tucked into my bag days ago, and for the first time since the purchase, I feel anxious about the possibilities it holds.

I close my hand around the strap of my bag and walk to the bathroom, no hurry, but my heart beats unevenly.

I lock the door behind me, even though I'm alone, a habit I haven't lost even after leaving my parents' house.

My breath would be audible even if the house weren't in the absolute silence it finds itself in.

I do what I've done at least two hundred times in my life; there's no need to look at the instructions. At this point, it has become muscle memory. The ritual unfolds in silence, marked only by the subtle sound of paper and plastic.

With care, I return the test to its place in the small box. Hesitation hangs in the air, a prolonged pause before facing what I already know. The urgency to find out competes with the reluctance to confront. I'm not ready; I don't want to relive all of that again. The fear inside me grows to proportions I've never experienced before. If I had the slightest strength, I could have a breakdown now.

I leave the bathroom, seeking more space, trying to alleviate the suffocating sensation. The small box still in my hand.

The indicated 3 minutes have passed; the instructions say to disregard after 15 minutes. I have 12 minutes, 12 minutes to avoid the answer, 12 minutes where I still pretend not to know anything, where I can continue to delude myself for another brief interval. 12 minutes that allow me to postpone the inevitable confrontation, as if ignoring the clock could freeze the reality that may await me.

There are tears. Tears that I don't know if they're of sadness, joy, or a complex combination of both. Each drop seems to carry the weight of a journey, mourning the past loss, the uncertainty of the future, and the unexpected surprise of the possibility of a new life forming.

There's a trembling smile playing at the corners of my lips. It's a smile marked by vulnerability, fear, and resilience. The irony of discovering this right after the divorce seems to hang in the air, but there's also a flame of courage that ignites within me. A strength that arises from the need to face this chapter alone.

There is confusion. My heart feels like a maze of contradictory sensations. The duality of emotions manifests in thoughts that collide, in doubts intertwining with fearful hopes. How to balance the fragility of a new life with the pain of a previous loss? Or rather, two losses?

There is fear. It feeds on the vulnerability of being alone. The specter of the past loss still looms over me, a shadow that whispers fears. The uncertainty of what is to come.

There is happiness. Happiness that arises from the understanding that life, despite its painful twists, goes on. A new life, an opportunity to start over, even if the scenery seems daunting at first glance. It's the hope that ignites in the face of darkness.

I gather the necessary courage and hold the object firmly. I take it out of the box.

There are two lines.

[…]

Life unfolds, it happens, even though I may want to stop it at times. Choices and changes, at times, leave eternal scars. And if it hurt enough to leave a mark, it means it should always be remembered.

Before me, there is a blank canvas, a path never treaded before, where I carry my baggage and memories that I'm not sure will fade so quickly.

The pain makes room for resilience, a chance for redefinition. Life shows that the ability to move forward is the source of overcoming, even when the future is unstable and uncertain.

Even in the quietest corners of my story, there is a subtle melody that continues to play, reminding me that, despite everything, life persists, transforming into an eternal flow.

Life metamorphoses, flowing like a river that, even in the face of obstacles, finds its way, reminding me that persistence is the essence of existence.

However, this same persistence, although it is the force that makes us move forward, can also be the cause of pain, of giving up, and of exhaustion.

Learn when to say goodbye.

N/a: OMG I´M BACK!😭

I won't even justify my absence. I simply couldn't write for a long time. But I hope it was worth it. Here it is, the last chapter, finally. I hope to be able to write again and bring more stories. Thank you to everyone who followed and had patience. ❤️❤️

#au fanfiction #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fluff #lewis hamilton smut #lewis hamilton x reader #daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo #f1 #formula 1 #george russell

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themotherofblood · 2 years ago

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After reading this I really imagined Ms blood bag making Dae Dae and Rhae watch all vampire content with her 🤭🤭🤭🤭

A/N: uh absolutely, I could gush about it about it for days so I wrote you a little blurb hehe

Vampire!Daemon x reader x Vampire!Rhaenyra

synopsis: Ms Blood Bag watches Twilight with Daemon and Rhaenyra.

This is a blurb, aka it is very short.

“Wait so you can turn babies?” you exclaimed, the movie paused as you ran back from the bathroom to squish yourself in between Daemon and Rhaenyra.

Movie night and it was your turn to show them movies—just about them.

“It is not a done thing,” Rhaenyra pet through your fuzzy hair “it is true, their blood thirst can be hard to control, but we don’t burn them alive for it.”

“Are you two the vampire government?” You asked inquisitively, toying with the rings on Rhaenyra’s hands.

“No, we like to remain—observers.” Daemon hummed pulling your legs onto his lap.

“So you go out in the sun, with daylight rings?” You pointed at their signet wedding bands.

“The others do, we don’t.” Daemon said as a matter of fact.

“Stake to the heart?”

“You can try, I can’t promise I won’t beat your cute ass red.” Daemon mused, chuckling at how your body went stiff. Still healing from the through spanking Rhaenyra had given you.

“Can you sparkle?” You looked up at Rhaenyra.

“Hmm, I wish.” She whispered before leaning down to kiss your forehead.

“Now we can watch the movie without you babbling, or we can haul you back to bed for more productive activities, hmm?” Daemon warned, pinching your sides to make you giggle.

Rhaenyra hit play again, the lights in the theatre room automatically going off as a soft song began playing through the speaker. You smiled wider at Bella once again, but most at the lace of her gown and Edward looking damn handsome.

Rhaenyra looked to Daemon with her lips pursed, holding in a chuckle at the way your heartbeat fluttered as your gushed over Edward, knowing her husband feeling jealous as he clutched onto your calves harder to endure another forty minutes of your childish girl crush.

“Kisskisskisskiss,” you muttered under your breath as Bella and Edward said their vows.

Daemon groaned at the back of his mouth as you kicked your feet in happiness as the sealed their marriage. Oddly fantasizing Daemon and Rhaenyra with you instead of Bella and Edward.

Taglist (thank you 😭)

@fav-goddess @you-youuuu @funnybunnyxxx @evattude

#daemon targaryen x reader #daemon targaryen x reader x rhaenyra targaryen #daemon targaryen x rhaenyra targaryen #rhaenyra targaryen x reader #vampire au #daemon x rhaenyra #daemyra vampir au #vampire!rhaenyra #vampire!daemon #daemyra vampire au

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mrs-monaghan · 2 years ago

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Hi, it's KY here :)

How is everyone feeling about the Taennie news? Knetz have fully accepted the truth and moved on, I suggest I-fans need to do the same. (Jennie is known for having dating news come out regularly, so it's not a big deal for BP fans. For Armys, the sane ones, we've known for a while now haven't we? It's not a shock anymore.)

I read the comments on my previous ask and don't worry! I will not be sharing anything sensitive whatsoever. I find it funny when other shippers say things like "How is it possible that K-fans can keep things to themselves?" I don't think I've seen anyone else address this yet so let me tell you why.

K-Jikookers are mostly queer. Yes, you read that right. Unlike other shippers, who are straight women that self-insert as one of the members (like they do with TK) we support them as a couple. This means that we don't want to date either of them, and we don't self-imagine as their partner - we know that they're unavailable because they're exclusive to each other. You get me? And we know first hand how terrible it is to be queer in a conservative society. There are actually very few real romantic shippers in Korea, (again, KM is the only romantic ship that has a substantial fanbase) simply because it is so hard to accept two men dating. This is why you will see K-Jikookers on Twitter all being close friends/meeting up in person, because they are kindred spirits. I think it might be hard for westerners to really understand. How do I emphasize this more? The older generation in Korea, anyone older than 30+, is deeply homophobic, to the point where they see anything LGBT as western influence and pervasion. Being American, I know it's hard to grasp that level of homophobia - it's not hate comments about your sexuality or people refusing to sell you a cake for a gay wedding. It's social death, rejection, parents disowning their children, getting fired from your job. I'm not kidding. Do you think us, as queer fans who love and support KM, will willingly out them?

We would never, ever, ever do that, because we know the repercussions. Some Jikookers like to fantasize about their coming out, and I want you to understand: the K-side is terrified of that day. Yes, we all think it will happen in due time, but we are very very scared. You think the hate that JM is getting now is bad? You think people sending food to JK's apartment is bad? Nope. You haven't seen anything yet. You understand what I mean, right? Their coming out will not be a cute post. It will be a carefully orchestrated move complete with a legal and PR team. If/when they are out, their lives will be in immediate danger. I truly believe they will leave the country for a bit, maybe even months, maybe a year. There will not be any public sightings, fan meets, concerts. KM know this very well too. I'm sure there's already a plan in place for it.

And anyone searching for KM evidence on K-Jikookers social media, I would say don't bother. It's almost impossible. The white day photo leak was a massive mistake, and I know exactly who leaked it because they were removed from all group chats immediately. K-Jikookers were very very angry with them (and also cussing out foreigners...please, we all need to keep our mouths shut and keep stuff within our own circles.)

-KY

KY has spoken. We appreciate your services and await your next drop in.

I too, the Jikookers that I know, I have never seen them self insert themselves. Those are y/n idiots who do this shit. Not even in private spaces do I see this happening. We support them as a couple, despite how hot we may find them. We understand and believe they only have eyes for eo.

We appreciate the commercial break KY. Now back to the headline

TAENNIE IS REAL!!!!!

#ask shaz #bts ask #jikook #kookmin #jimin and jungkook #taennie is real #taennie #jikook is real

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writingforcuteppl · 1 year ago

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Fantasize

PAIRING: Takemichi Hanagaki x Haitani!Reader

SUMMARY: Even if you know Takemichi will soon marry Hina, that doesn’t stop you from fantasizing about him.

GENRE: Suggestive

WARNINGS: Mentions of wanting the other person to cheat, some explicit scenarios (sex, blowjobs, cumshots). MANGA SPOILERS.

WORD COUNT: 1.8k words

Everything started one day when your brother introduced you to Takemichi. He and Hina were searching for a DJ to have at their wedding.

It was the first time he ever saw you, mainly because your brothers constantly tried to protect you from the world of delinquents they were part of a few years ago. Everyone knew they had a little sister, but they didn’t see how you looked until now.

It was by accident, really. They always made sure you never crossed paths with formal members of the Tokyo Manji, wanting to keep you as innocent and clueless as possible.

Kakucho suggested Takemichi to have Rindou as the DJ and also mentioned Rindou would gladly do it as a wedding present. So he made his way to the Haitanis’ club. Since it was noon, he knew the club would be closed, but lucky him, it appeared that it was stock day, so suppliers were coming in and out of the club.

As he entered the club, he saw you over the club’s counter, making sure everyone left all the stuff where it was needed. Something about the way you commanded the suppliers reminded him of your brothers. He was scared but intrigued at the same time since he could see a younger but also prettier girl version of Ran.

“Excuse me…” Takemichi tried to get your attention from the papers that were in front of you.

“We’re closed,” you answered as you turned your head to the man who rudely interrupted your reading, but your breathing got caught in your throat. In front of you was a really handsome man with the most hypnotic and sweet blue eyes you’ve seen in a while. He was easily as old as your brothers, maybe younger, but just for a few years. Even if he wore the most casual clothes, someone his age could wear, he still managed to take your breath away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, but I’m looking for someone. Rindou Haitani.” The man before you was now looking into your eyes, and it was as if you had forgotten how to speak.

“I-”

“Takemichi! Kakucho mentioned you were going to come!” You heard Rin shout from the second floor of the club. Since when did your brother know someone as polite and pretty as Takemichi? He wasn’t one of the club’s associates since you knew all of them thanks to you being way better at the administrative part than your brothers, and they never really talk about their personal lives…

As Rin was making his way down the stairs, you and Takemichi never broke eye contact. He gave you one of the most charming smiles you’ve seen. He was like a prince. Your heart was about to come out of your chest. He couldn’t be real.

“So, what can I do for you, Takemichi?” Rin asked, and you noticed he was already next to you. He seemed… nervous?

“Kakucho, he mentioned you could or well, would you like to be the DJ at my wedding? At the same time, I would also prefer it if you were there as a guest, not only a staff member. After all, you’re a friend of ours, so we also want you to enjoy the party.” You stopped hearing Takemichi after he mentioned the word “wedding,” of course. Someone as endearing and perfect as him was already taken. You couldn’t help but feel jealousy. Who was the lucky girl?

“I would love to be the DJ for your wedding, and you don’t need to worry. I will have someone I trust to take over my DJ duty so I can also enjoy the party.”

So unfair… Why he has to be taken? Even worse, soon-to-be-wed? Rin was able to see some discomfort on your face, but he attributed it to the fact that Takemichi was an unknown face to you. He couldn’t be more wrong.

Takemichi has been the first man that has actually caught your attention, even if it hasn’t been ten minutes since you met him. Maybe it was because he seemed sweet. Perhaps it was because, physically, he looked cute. You don’t know what Takemichi has in order for you to be so in a trance. For god’s sake, it’s not like you’ve never seen a man in your life. But there’s only one way to put it in words: he has beauty you’ve never seen before.

Ran and Rin never had a problem when it came to guys trying to swoon you over. They always treated you like their princess, so you wouldn’t let any guy that speaks sweetly to you and gives you trivial presents win you. And it worked. See, you are spoiled. Your brothers always make sure you have whatever you want cause you ask for it, not because you are really deserving of it.

“Thank you, Rin. Hina and I really appreciate it” Takemichi couldn’t be more thankful. Takemichi’s gaze moved from Rin to you, not knowing anything about you yet.

“Oh, she’s our sister.” After introducing yourself to Takemichi, him and Rin started a conversation, which, if you’re honest, you weren't paying any attention to it, and that’s when your mind started to wander.

First, you looked at his hands. They were slim, and his fingers were thin. His hand seemed to be soft. They didn’t seem as calloused and rough as your brother’s. You wanted to know how they would feel on your skin, how those hands would make their way through your silhouette. You think Takamechi would treat you as his most precious possession.

Then you paid attention to his voice tone. You wonder how he would sound whispering sweet nothing in your ear, how he would sound moaning and whimpering. He would sound so sweet and innocent, you think.

Nothing in Takemchi strikes you as mean or rude. He seems like the kind of person that treats everyone and everything with respect, and that made your whole stomach jump. Takemichi is definitely the knight in shiny armor that saves the princess.

The more you saw him, the more you wanted to feel the way he would hug you or kiss you. And that’s when you abruptly stopped. He’s taken. No good girl should be lusting over an engaged man. But at the same time, you were only fantasizing. It’s not like you would be a homewrecker by thinking all these things about Takemichi, right?

After that, you’ve spent all night making scenarios with Takemchi. Most of them were the fluffiest, most domestic things you could come up with. Some weren’t as innocent as the previous ones. You were sure about something. You would let Takemichi do whatever he wanted to you. He needed to use you as his fuckdoll after a long day? You would be ready, legs open, so when he arrived at what you imagined was your shared home, he could use you as his stress relief. There may be times were he would get hard out of nowhere (he seems like that type of guy), and you would gladly give him a blowjob, no matter where you are or what you’re doing, as long as Takemichi cums all over your face or mouth, you wouldn’t mind being a little messy for him.

These types of scenarios were the ones that fucked up your little brain the most. You were craving physical contact, but you wouldn’t accept it from anyone. The idea of another man touching you, who wasn’t Takemichi, was discomforting. You could even say disgusting. That’s when you realized you were down bad for a man that was going to get married.

Months had passed from your first encounter with Takemichi. After that day when Takemichi met you, he told Hina he had finally met Ran and Rindo’s little sister. Hina couldn’t be more excited to finally hear more about the mysterious sister the Haitani brothers overprotected. Then she told Emma about the encounter, and soon everyone was curious about the youngest Haitani sibling. So that’s when Hina got an idea, what if they invited you to their wedding?

She knew Ran and Rindo would be hard to convince, there was a reason no one, except for Takemichi, who met you by mistake, knew you, and she was well aware it was because your brothers didn’t want you to know how violent they once were. She also knows she can convince anyone. So with the excuse of it being the most important day of her life and with the promise that no one at the wedding would talk about the past, Ran and Rindo gave in.

And that is how you found yourself hearing the best man’s speech at their rehearsal dinner. You couldn’t feel more guilty. Earlier, Ran and Rindo introduced you to Hina, and she seemed like a really good person, with not a glimpse of evilness or sketchiness in sight, which made things worse, at least for you.

You’ve been fantasizing about the man that looked at her fiancé with complete adoration. And the worst part was you were jealous. You wanted him. You wanted to be the one next to him. You wanted Takemichi to look at you the way he was looking at Hina.

Ran could see you were uncomfortable, and he attributed it to the fact that you didn’t know anyone at the wedding. He didn’t think it was because you felt mad, sad, and disgusted at the same time.

Maybe this was just an infatuation, a passing desire. You are used to having everything you want, and knowing this is the first time you won’t get what you want was infuriating.

You felt sad mainly because this was the first time you had been really attracted to someone, and knowing that not even in a million years, he won’t be by your side was discouraging.

The evening was finally over, and you were in the room your brothers booked only for you to use.

You close your eyes as you lay down on your bed. Why did you agree to come in the first place? Ran made it clear that if you didn’t want to go, they wouldn’t force you to attend the wedding. But you knew the reason. You knew you wanted to see Takemchi. And you knew you needed to stop. So you made a decision. This was the last night you would let your mind fantasize about Takemichi. And suddenly, Takemichi was by your side, kissing you, caressing your cheek, and telling you he didn’t care if he was about to marry Hina. He was going to run away with you. He will leave everything behind and start a new life with only you. And you sighed as you opened your eyes. That was never going to happen. Nothing was ever going to change. The only thing you could do was fantasize.

n a v i g a t i o n

t o k y o r e v e n g e r s m a s t e r l i s t

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allwaswell16 · 1 year ago

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Happy Fan Fic Writer Appreciation Day 2023!

In honor of this day, here are the first lines of fics written by some of my favorite One Direction fan fic writers! This post gets longer every year, but we are incredibly lucky to have such talented writers writing fic for our fandom. I truly just had to stop somewhere though. (You can find previous year’s lists and my other recs here.)

Harry stretched in bed with a smile.

“Ah!” Louis hissed when the needle touched his finger.

Wanted: Dog Walker.

Harry’s stomach growls as he walks down the pavement toward Mercury Chicken.

Louis woke up to someone grabbing his ankle and tugging lightly.

Everyone is expected to be back in the office a minimum of two days a week starting the first full week of December.

Harry is drunk.

Louis is late.

Harry leans his forehead against the thick glass window, peering into the nursery, trying to figure out which one of the babies is his.

The first time Louis sees him, it’s from the stage.

Oli can't remember a time when Louis Tomlinson wasn't an integral part of his life.

“This is really good, mate.”

Harry had always fantasized about being in a romantic comedy.

If you had told Louis Tomlinson a year ago that he would be celebrating his birthday by kissing the man who has turned out to be the love of his life on a Church Street park bench in Burlington VT (where he now lives) as the snow drifts softly down, he would have told you that you were extremely imaginative.

He was back.

Louis Tomlinson is in a foul mood.

“Doctor!” Harry’s voice calls from deep within the recesses of the TARDIS’ vast wardrobe, the room shaped like a massive wagon wheel with a lounge in the center. “I think I found it!”

When Harry hurt himself in front of all of his coworkers, he thought his Christmas Eve couldn’t get any worse.

Louis surges forward, his arm shooting through the automatic elevator door on a reflex when he sees a familiar looking woman striding towards the elevator.

Louis opened the door, carefully pushing against the old wood on its rusty hinges.

It was a once in a lifetime storm; a hurricane had come to the Mediterranean.

Louis is running late for coffee with his mates.

“Don’t.”

Thunder cracks through the inky sky as Harry scurries into the bar.

The studio lights were bright.

“Are you fucking with me?” Louis wails, then metaphorically claps a hand over his own mouth.

Seven.

“Lou, I have an idea and need your help.”

Louis is three pints in when he notices someone looking in his direction.

They’re about to be caught.

If there was anything people needed to know about Louis, it was that he was not a morning person.

It was a nice normal day.

Louis fidgeted in his seat, his knee bouncing from the force of his pent up energy.

Observant.

Louis slams his tray on the slightly sticky table and pulls back the chair.

It starts, as any great story starts, at a dinner party.

Harry relaxes in the bathtub, sliding down so the water covers her shoulders.

Louis nervously tugs at the collar of his shirt.

“Thanks for shopping at Victoria's Secret. Have a great day!”

Harry couldn’t breathe.

Louis has been single for 369 days, and the last place he wants to be is at a wedding.

The moment Harry clocked in, he was already rolling his eyes and wishing he could clock out.

Louis was so fucked.

Harry hummed along with a song he didn’t know the words to as he changed Max’s diaper before bed.

♥ Thank you writers! ♥

@lululawrence @nouies @louandhazaf @haztobegood @greenfeelings @londonfoginacup @disgruntledkittenface @pocketsunshineharry @kingsofeverything @jacaranda-bloom @thedevilinmybrain @laynefaire @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @phdmama @absoloutenonsense @neondiamond @crinkle-eyed-boo @evilovesyou @brightgolden @sun-tomato @becomeawendybird @fallinglikethis @jaerie @littleroverlouis @sadaveniren @ladyaj-13 @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @2tiedships2 @perfectdagger @all-these-larrythings @alwaysxlarrie @reminiscingintherain @homosociallyyours @skipperxao3 @greenblueish @waterloux @beelou @daggerandrose @itsnotreal @lunarheslwt @loveislarryislove @thinlinez @hellolovers13

#fan fic writer appreciation day #ficrec #1dficvillage #hljournal #hlcreators #trackinghappily #trackinghome #tracksintheam #1dsource #hltracks #I'm only sorry I couldn't put it every single writer i love!#and I tried this year to put in only active writers in our fandom #listen i've been agonizing over this post for months oof #but i didn't want to NOT do it #just know i love you all

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straightouttasantacarla · 3 months ago

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Can you write a luke Patterson fanfic where the reader is also apart of their own band? 🥺🥺

Still into you ( Luke Patterson x reader)

Warnings : brief mention of alcohol but no one actually drinks brief swearing not a lot of use of ( y/n) pet names ( babe baby)

very fluffy. The story also takes place in 1994 a year before the boys death

READERS POV

" Thank you everyone for coming tonight . Until next time!" I smile while running off stage with the rest of my band. E just performed one of the biggest shows for our band tonight . One step closer to playing the orpheum. " That was sick guys!" My bandmate and lead guitarist Natalie cheers. " We're gonna play the orpheum soon." " That we are Nat. if we keep performing like that we will be opening for bands like Green Day , The Smashing Pumpkins , hell maybe even Blink 182." I fantasize draping an arm across Natalie's shoulders.

" Someones at the door." Darcie calls out. She walks over opening it and there stands my boyfriend Luke Patterson and his band mates. He smiles brightly walking over to me. "Hey baby. You were great out there." My bass player Crystal clears her throat behind us making us turn around. " Right sorry you were all great out there tonight . " Crystal smirks, " Thank you Luke." All the other girls giggle and thank him too.. Alex walks over bringing me into a hug. " I'm so proud of you. You too ladies!" He says making sure to compliment them so he doesn't make anyone feel left out.

Luke walks up behind me kissing my cheek."you guys should come over to Bobby's. we've got a party set up with snacks and drinks." "Snacks?" Darcie hops up off the couch . "Drinks? What kind of drinks?" Yazmin my drummer questions."soda water juice I don't know." " Alcohol ?" Bobby shakes his head no. " My parents would kill me if we had alcohol " " damn it." Sighs Yazmin. " Come on guys lets go." Luke grabs my hand leading me to his car.

* TIME SKIP*

We arrive at Bobby's which is also the boys' studio. The studio is decorated with balloons streamers and there's even a banner with our bandwrote across it. In the middle of the room is a table with different snacks and drinks. " Babe you didn't have to do this or us." "Yeah well we wanted to. You're our friends and we are proud of you guys." I hug him while holding his face kissing him. " I love you. " I love you too" " hey lovebirds come hang out with us." Reggie butts in.

We all sit around for the next few hours playing games talking about music and filling up on junk food " hey darcie come here." She walks over to me sipping on her Capri sun like its Don Perignon. "What's up?" " I think I wanna play the song." darcie smiles. " Great I'll go tell the girls." "Thank you you're the best." I hug her before she runs off to get the girls. " You having fun?" Luke wraps his arm around my shoulder "yeah I am. Again you didn't have to do this. " Babe you guys literally played one of the biggest shows of your career. You're closer to playing the orpheum than we are." He laughs. "Maybe." "Y/N" come here." Natalie pulls my hand dragging me to over to the boys' instruments.

I walk up to the microphone stand adjusting it to my height. " Boys if we can have your attention wed like to play a special song. " The boys sit down to watch us. Like looks at me with love filled eyes. Yazmin starts in on the drums as I sing.

"Can't count the years on one hand

That we've been together

I need the other one to hold you

Make you feel, make you feel better

It's not a walk in the park

To love each other

But when our fingers interlock,

Can't deny, can't deny you're worth it

Cause after all this time I'm still into you"

I smile as I grab the mic off the stand dancing around.

"I should be over all the butterflies

But I'm into you (I'm into you)

And baby even on our worst nights

I'm into you (I'm into you)

Let 'em wonder how we got this far

Cause I don't really need to wonder at all

Yeah, after all this time I'm still into you"

I continue dancing as the look of love grows in Luke's eyes.

" Recount the night that

I first met your mother

And on the drive back to my house

I told you that, I told you that I loved ya"

* FLASHBACK *

I still remember the first night met Emily. She was so welcoming and so sweet. Her and I got along so well we baked cookies after dinner. When Luke took me home sat in the car thinking about how in love with him I truly was. "I love you Luke." Luke braked and pulled off to the side of the road. " What?" " I love you Luke Patterson." He took one last look at me before kissing me. " I love you too" Ever since we've grown more in love with each other day by day.

* FLASHBACK OVER*

"You felt the weight of the world

Fall off your shoulder

And to your favorite song

We sang along to the start of forever

And after all this time I'm still into you"

I sang the chorus once more as I jump and dance around feeling the happiness of the song.

" Well, some things just,

some things just make sense

And one of those is you and I

Some things just,some things

just make sense And even after all this time"

I make my way over to Luke standing in front of him.

" I'm into you and baby not a day

Goes by that I'm not into you."

I pull Luke up off the couch to sing the chorus with me our voices mixing together in the perfect harmony.

" I'm still into you."

We finish the song looking into each others eyes forheads pressed together. " I love you." We say in unison laughing before kissing. As we pull away our friend clap for us making me giggle. " That song was incredible." " Thank you. And thank you again for being the incredible inspiration"

AUTHOR SPEAKS:

Thank you for reading. I really appreciate those of you who read my stories and interact with my post. I hope those of you who read this story enjoyed it. The song that helped me write this story was still into you by Paramore. As always my requests are always open so feel free to leave suggestions.

#luke patterson #sunsetcurve #sunset swerve #julie and the phantoms #luke patterson x reader

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stellarboystyles · 1 year ago

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Eclipse

actress!oc and actor!harry blurb

"Babe, car's here!" Harry shouts, slowly jogging up the stairs to check on "Almost done?"

"Almost." she utters quietly, trying to focus on the task at hand.

"No rush, love." he reassures, adjusting his watch. "We're early this year."

"For once." she mumbles, putting in her last earring. "I'm just glad we don't have a team here this time."

"Me too." he agrees. "M'sick of people in our damn house."

She laughs at his lighthearted remark. Usually when getting ready for award shows, especially ones like this, most people will gather a whole team; assistants, manager, stylists, and sometimes designers to make sure everything is how it should be and everyone's on schedule.

Basically, every event is treated like a fucking wedding and Paxton is sick of it.

Despite the nature of her job, she's is an introvert. Plain and simple. She needs alone time to recharge and just be. And when you're a critically acclaimed actress who never takes a break (even when she's supposed to), you don't get recharge time. You don't get to just be a human on her couch. It's always her own doing, of course. But don't worry, Harry forces her to relax every once in awhile.

"I'm honestly over all that right now."

"Think we just need some alone time." he tries, raising an eyebrow at her through the wall. Even though he hasn't seen her yet there's already a little thrill inside him.

She takes one more look after smoothing her dress down. "I'm ready now."

"Oka-woah."

Harry never fails to bask in how attractive she is, and Paxton never fails to feign annoyance from it. She rolls her eyes and he's already objecting.

"Don't roll your eyes at me." he bites, hands in his pockets as he strolls over to her. "I'm allowed to look."

"I didn't say anything."

"But you wanted to."

"And how would you know?"

"Love, no offense but I know you well enough to know what you're thinking most of the time."

"Yeah, I know." she grumbles.

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means it annoys me."

"I know it does." he stands behind her in front of the mirror she's using and throws her a wink. "Why do you think I do it so much."

"You are so-"

"I'm what?" he pushes, faces inches away from each other. "Sexy? Smart? Charming? Funny? Attractive?"

"All of the above."

They're both smiling as she pulls him into a kiss in front of the mirror. It started out innocent.

For her.

He quickly tries to deepen the kiss, finding her hips. His palms try to snake down but her rationality steps in before his in the form of a giggle and a push on his chest.

'C'mon." he whines.

She can't deny him for very long. Never was able to. He radiates this essence of sex sometimes that she can't explain. It's almost addictive, like she has to have it if the mood is right.

The mood is always right with him.

"We have to go."

He picked up on Paxton's thinning resolve rather quickly, and decided to use it to his advantage.

"My love." he's speaking into her ear, the sultry voice filling her head. "Am I really gonna be crucified for fantasizing about kissing..."

He kisses her ear. She has to fight her eyes from closing in pleasure. His eyes lock on hers for a moment through the mirror and she has to hold her pride.

And holding,"

He squeezes her hips.

It takes everything in her not to exhale too loudly.

"And touching,"

One of his hands moves to smooth down from her ribcage, stopping just below her belly button.

"And fucking," he growls into her ear this time. "My gorgeous fiancée?"

"Later."

He glares at her in the mirror, because he knows she's right.

"You win this round." he kisses her head one more time before taking her hand.

She won the next round, too. Nine VMA's! Harry was so incredibly proud of her. Being her plus one is his favorite thing to do these days.

"Are we getting takeaway?"

"No." Harry laughs, shaking his head sliding his hand around her waist as they walk out of the venue and into the car. "You think I'm not taking you out when you look this good? Hell no. We're goin' out."

Paxton had a love hate relationship with the level of charm Harry had. It was so high at times she wasn't sure why he still tried so hard to impress her after two years of being together.

"Where are we going?"

"Wherever you want." he kisses the top of her head before opening the door of the car that was waiting for them.

"I want sushi."

"Nobu it is."

He can sense her hesitance of going to somewhere so public. He knows she'd rather go to some hole in the wall in...different outfits, obviously. So he changes the subject.

"So," he holds up one of her moonmans. "Are we going to have to dedicate a whole room for these things, or..."

"Stop." she gushes, as if to say, that's ridiculous. "We're not those people."

"What's that mean?"

"No." she giggles. "We do not need a room for Oscar's."

"Oscar's, Grammy's, Golden Globes, Brits-"

"Can't we just put them in the studio?"

They shared the same look and laughed.

"Maybe we do need a room for these things."

She scrunches her nose in response. It was a weird feeling, coming to terms with little things like that. But he was looking at her in the most adoring way.

"Don't look at me like that."

"What?" "Am I not allowed to look at my gorgeous fiancée-"

"Are you crazy?" she gasps, gingerly hitting him on the shoulder, gesturing toward the driver.

"He's inner circle, relax." he mumbles.

"Inner circle is exactly how things get out."

"Am I that much of a dick that you don't want people to know you're marrying me?"

"That's not true and you know it."

"All these people that we know, our friends." "They're so happy, then they go public and it's too much."

"Everyone already knows." he argues. "Since when have you ever cared about what people think?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

"Exactly."

"I don't. I mean, I try not to. But when they're in your face screaming that you're-"

"Don't." he interjects, shaking his head with a wince. "I don't care. They're jealous."

"I know. I'm just scared."

"You don't need to be."

"Your heart 's too good." he lays his head on her shoulder. "That's your problem."

He was right, and she knew that deep down. Was life really worth living if it was only behind closed doors? Staying in hiding simply because she didn't want people to gossip seems pretty coward like at the end of the day.

They knew the strength level of their relationship. It could never be torn down by some petty comments on the internet.

"I don't want to pretend anymore."

#harry styles #harry styles blurb #harry styles fluff #harry styles writings #harry styles one shot #harry styles fic

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jaimebluesq · 1 year ago

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MDZS/CQL - Not a headcanon or a theory, just a canon divergence fic idea that may not ever be written but gave me such a *light bulb* moment today that I had to write it down:

(NSFW-ish topic after the Read More)

So Jin Guangyao and Qin Su did not 'dally' before they married, so she wasn't pregnant at the time. And since he discovered the truth of her parentage the night before the wedding, even though he went through with the ceremony, he was determined to prevent a pregnancy. He pleased her in other ways, and spun a tale of some sort of incident that affected his 'performance' to explain why he would/could not have intercourse with his wife and was unable to father a chil, and she loved him enough to believe him and accept him as he was.

But though she never said anything, he could tell she was disappointed - not at his lack of 'performance', but because she had longed to be a mother (also think of the time period - her value as a woman was much based on her status as a mother/wife and ability to provide her husband an heir, like it or not) and this was something he could not give her.

So he began to think of alternatives.

While he's brooding over this and other issues, he plays host to Nie Huaisang, who is yet again escaping his responsibilities and saber practice by coming to Lanling. Jin Guangyao never minds - he's fond of him, like a close friend or brother, and Qin Su's always enjoyed Nie Huaisang's company (he helped her in her efforts to pursue Jin Guangyao, and also put in a few good words to her father when he was hesitant to let her marry). Jin Guangyao, while watching them together, has a thought - that in another time, where her parentage had been known in time for them not to marry, that perhaps she might have been married to Nie Huaisang, and he would have given her the children she dreamed of having - and between the two of them, they would have such pretty, talented children.

And that's when he has his oh moment.

After Nie Huaisang's visit, Jin Guangyao chooses a night of beauty and romance, with luxurious food and excellent wine and a starry sky, to hold his wife and talk with her about many things, and leads the conversation to them having children. She tries to insist that she's fine, that she loves Jin Guangyao and would happily give up being a mother to be with him. And then he says: "What if we invited someone into our bed? For us to share, and perhaps for them to give you what I cannot?" She immediately protests, but he can tell the idea holds some appeal to her. So he drops the subject for a while and thinks on it further, and the more he considers various 'candidates', the more he realizes Nie Huaisang is perfect - no desire for responsibility, a reputation for spending time in brothels with both men and women (and thus a more casual attitude toward sex), well-loved by both Jin Guangyao and Qin Su, and more importantly, is not someone Jin Guangyao fears might steal Qin Su's heart from him.

And so Jin Guangyao brings the subject up again, but in a teasing manner - saying Nie Huaisang spends so much time with them that he might as well be sharing their bed. She laughs and playfully slaps his arm. He continues, his words becoming less teasing and more considering, even lustful, as he admits that there had been times when he worked in the Unclean Realm that he had fantasized about kissing Nie Huaisang (Qin Su already knew of his diverse leanings), and says he would quite like to watch Qin Su's face as someone else brings her pleasure. And then Qin Su remembers the conversation they'd had the one night. She asks if he's bringing that old subject up again, if that's why he's speaking of it. He admits he's been thinking on it and the idea has become more and more appealing. He asks her not to outright reject the idea, to think on it for a couple of days, and if her answer is still no, he will accept it and never bring it up again.

Before she's given her answer, they make love one night, and she surprises him by saying something suggestive, like touching herself and asking if A-Yao wishes it were A-Sang's hands on her - her words almost hesitant, testing. He responds positively, they grow more into it as they make love, and they fall asleep happy in each others' arms.

A day later, she says she believes she would be willing to try.

They have drinks with Nie Huaisang on one of his many visits and Qin Su brings up the subject - Nie Huaisang almost chokes on his wine when he realizes what she's suggesting. And Qin Su is very honest - saying outright that she and Jin Guangyao cannot have children and she hopes a child may come of whatever 'arrangement' they can come to. Jin Guangyao makes certain to show that he's very on board, but leaves most of the persuading to Qin Su. Nie Huaisang had looked tempted from the very beginning, already glancing at husband and wife with appreciation, but does not agree until he is reassured that nobody outside the three of them would know of it, and that if there is a child, that he's not expected to be a parent (a fun uncle would be all right).

And so they have a sensual, affectionate night together, just the three of them, and they all enjoyed it enough that they made it a regular thing. And when Qin Su became pregnant, none were the wiser that the child was not Jin Guangyao's. Jin Rusong was loved by them all, adored by his parents and spoiled by his Uncle Huaisang, and things went well for a time - the arrangement continuing even after Rusong's birth because it made them all happy, and if they were to give Rusong a sister or brother, all the better.

And then Nie Mingjue died.

Nie Huaisang began to pull away more and more, and no matter how much Jin Guangyao or Qin Su tried to reach out to him, he was too mired in grief to do more than welcome a consoling hug. Eventually Sect Leader Nie felt well enough to socialize with his old friends, but he never continued the arrangement, and Jin Guangyao and Qin Su watched their friend become the Headshaker, worried for him but not knowing what to do for him other than help him when he came crying on their shoulders about not knowing what to do about some issue or other.

And then one day the worst happened - Jin Rusong was killed by a madman angry about the watchtower project. Qin Su was devastated, and Jin Guangyao grieved his son - because he was his son, no matter what their blood said. Jin Guangyao basically lived on auto-pilot, making the funeral arrangements and comforting his wife, all as he felt numb to the core over the loss.

When the sect whose leader killed Rusong was decimated, few questioned it - it was only right that a man avenge his son's death, and few people could find fault in a grieving father.

Except... Jin Guangyao hadn't done anything. Whatever bandits or mercenaries or whoever had destroyed the sect, none of it had been his doing. He was as confused as he was numb - but he was satisfied to let people think it was his doing, if only so they would be wary of him and of hurting his family.

Years later, lying on the floor of Guanyin Temple, Jin Guangyao realized that perhaps he should have questioned the sect's decimation more. If only he had realized then just what lengths Nie Huaisang would go to avenge the death of family, of someone he loved...

#jin guangyao #qin su #nie huaisang #sangyaosu #jin rusong #story ideas #dunno if i'll write it but wanted it out there

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imagines--galore · 2 years ago

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Can you do an arranged marriage trope between victorian or contemporary Sherlock x reader, where they start as being shy a little but because friends and then falls in love ?

Pairing: Sherlock x Reader Rating || Genres || Warnings: T. Romance. A/N: Okay so since I have a similar request for a Victorian Era AU, I will be picking the contemporary Sherlock instead : P And I changed the timeline of their relationship a little bit, like it goes from friends to shy to being in love. Hope you like this!

"When you said we would be taking a pre-wedding trip I certainly did not expect to be rescuing you while you were hanging by your wrists above a vat full of dangerous chemicals." You commented as you stood on your tip-toes to untie Sherlock's wrists from the pulley he had been hanging from.

"Given how exciting our lives are pre-marriage, think of what we will get to afterwards." He suggested as a way to shift the dynamic of the conversation. He had known you long enough to know when you were angry.

And right now, you were a little annoyed with him.

"I was enjoying a very good book when I received your message Sherlock. I do not like having my reading time disturbed."

Ah! So that was why you were annoyed. He had probably caught you at a time when you were at some pivotal moment in the book.

"I'll buy you more books to make up for it." He said, rubbing his wrists where the skin was already chafed a little from the tightness of the rope.

Instantly your very body language changed. You grinned up at him, eyes shining with an excitement he had come to find endearing.

It surprised a lot of people when you told them you were engaged to Sherlock Holmes.

They definitely thought you were playing a practical joke when you would explain it was an arranged marriage done by your parents no less.

When you were children.

Your mother was best friends with Sherlock's and the two of them had fantasized about having their children marry. So when you were born only a year after Sherlock, your mothers had sealed the deal and announced the both of you engaged. But only within the family of course.

However, you would not meet your betrothed until you were nearly nine years old. Your father's job as a military man required him to move a lot, but once he finally retired and decided to take up a position at the Royal Military Academy, you finally settled down in England.

And that was when you met Sherlock.

You had always been a shy little thing, and when faced with two boys who were a little older then you, you barely left your mother's side. And while the older of the two only greeted you before turning away, the younger brother asked if you would play with him. On your mother's encouragement you accepted his invitation.

And that was the first time the two of you met.

Of course neither of you knew of your mothers arrangement, both of them deemed it was still too early for either of you to know. And while they wished for their dream to become a reality, the two mothers knew they had to be realistic about it. What if you fell in love with someone else? Or if it happened to Sherlock?

It was best to let you navigate your childhood unaware of the true nature of the relationship you shared with Sherlock.

The mothers hoped if not a marriage, then perhaps a friendship just as deep as their own could bloom between the two of you.

And bloom it did.

From that day, you and Sherlock were near inseparable. You would play together every chance you get. It was rather early but anyone could see the friendship dynamic between the both of you. While Sherlock was good at reading people and only looked at the outer picture of it all, you tended to be more sensitive and could pick up on the emotions and inner-most thoughts of another person.

Simply put, he was the brain, you were the heart.

You would prevent him from offending too many people with his bluntness, while he would help you fight off whoever sought to hurt you.

Given your slight stature, you were the target of bullies at school and Sherlock, despite not going to the same school had the tendency to go to the Principal's office of your school more then he did his own.

Your teenage years were awkward to say the least. Where you had always been overlooked and teased, you were now starting to receive attention and praise. A lot of which was from boys. And while you found it flattering, you never really acted on any of their propositions.

Probably because you were busy getting into trouble about the countryside with Sherlock. The both of you were always getting into some mischief or the other and there were times when one of your parents had to come and pick you up from the police station. No charges were made, but you did get into innocent trouble every now and then.

You hung out with Sherlock, you were bound to get in trouble.

But then one day everything changed.

The both of your had been rummaging about the attic in your country home, looking for something to do, when you came across a box that held letters.

Letters your mother had written to Sherlock's mother while she was overseas.

You had always admired the friendship between the two of them, so you decided to read them. Sherlock moved on to exploring other boxes, leaving you to come to a startling discovery.

One that changed your entire perspective when it came to your friendship with Sherlock.

Sherlock, sensing something was wrong had returned to your side. You had been too stunned to stop him from reading the letter you held.

The one that confirmed the true nature of your relationship with Sherlock.

Within the hour you had both confronted your mothers about it and the truth was revealed.

Yes.

The both of you were engaged since childhood. But they both explained their reasons for not telling you and despite the absurdity of the situation, both you and Sherlock had agreed that it had been a logical decision.

However, your friendship would never be the same.

Suddenly holding hands with Sherlock, caused you to blush. Hugging him had your heart beating fast. Hearing him praise you had you flushing with pleasure.

And you weren't the only one effected by the shift in dynamic.

Sherlock was more protective of you when it came to other boys. Where they had spoke to you before, they now found Sherlock looming over them behind your shoulder. He had always valued your opinion, but now he made sure to seek it out.

Then there was that sudden shyness and almost cautiousness the both of you carried about you when around one another. It certainly didn't help that the both of you were in your late teens, which were the prime years of awkwardness and shyness.

A brief touch of hands at the dinner table would result in a discrete glance at the other out of the corner of the eyes.

A sudden hug would have the both of you a little red in the face and laughing awkwardly.

And then there were the kisses.

While the both of you had exchanged cheek kisses over the years, more so on your end, they began to mount in number with each passing day.

You had been the primary cheek kisser throughout your friendship. There were times when you couldn't help yourself, especially when Sherlock was being adorable. He had always frowned in annoyance when you kissed his cheek and when you had been younger, he would actually wipe at his cheek.

But now?

Now he would stare at you when you kisses his cheek. And when he kissed yours for the first time and run off, you had stood at the door of your house for a good few minutes before going back inside.

From that day on, a challenge brewed between the both of you. One where you would keep count on how many times one had kissed the other. The funny thing about it was that neither of you had outlined the rules or even pointed it out. It had just sort of happened.

Suffice to say the amount of cheek, forehead, head, hand kisses shared between the both of you began to increase in amount.

They were all innocent in nature, with an almost playful nature behind them.

A game between two teenagers discovering the true extent of their feelings for one another.

But despite the new changes, your friendship remained strong. You still got up to mischief together, and were ready to protect one another. Not to mention you were always there for one another no matter the time of day.

Then there were the jokes.

The jokes about what the two of you would get to once you got married. They were all made in good fun, and as a way to tease one another. Sherlock would try to jokingly lord of you as the husband, but you would quickly put him in his place as the wife. Then there were the playful 'My dears' and 'Love', though those quickly became real.

Neither of you knew realized at what point your friendship changed into love, but you both came to the realization on the same day.

It was raining, and the both of you were caught in the downpour, prompting you to take shelter in a rundown shed. Shivering you had huddled close to Sherlock, who had been more then ready to wrap his arms around you.

Something had compelled you to tilt your head up. Only to catch Sherlock's lips with yours.

He had been leaning down to kiss your head when you shifted.

The both of you had instantly pulled back. But only a few inches. You could still feel his warm breath against your lips.

Your gazes met. A question brimmed in his eyes, and somehow you were able to give him the answer he needed with a shift of emotions in your own eyes.

So he kissed you again, this time with twice the enthusiasm, which you returned tenfold.

That had been years ago. Currently you were formerly engaged to Sherlock Holmes. He had suggested the two of you go off on an impromptu trip to an exotic location before the wedding was to take place. It had surprised everyone when the news was announced, since trips like these were done after the wedding.

But then you and Sherlock were not a conventional couple.

You solved crimes for a living for goodness sake. Of course you weren't conventional.

The trip had turned out to be a case Sherlock had been working on, and while any other fiancée would've been angry to have her significant other distracted by something else you weren't even bothered. You knew Sherlock from the inside out. He would've returned to you with his full attention when done with the case.

Though you hadn't been expecting to come to his rescue.

"You do know I expect compensation for rescuing you while on vacation." You hummed as you watched him rummage through a drawer to retrieve the file he needed to send some crooks to jail. Finding what he needed he straightened up.

"And what is it that you require, my dear?" As soon as he asked the question, Sherlock knew he would regret it, given the devious gleam in your eyes.

Reaching up to press a sensual kiss against his lips. You pulled back a moment later, only for him to follow you with his lips, intent on carrying on kissing you for longer.

"Marry me. Today.”

#sherlock x reader #sherlock x oc #sherlock x y/n #sherlock holmes #sherlock #bbc sherlock

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