#and i dont want to portray myself as incapable

[xerospaced]

There's this guy, Dr Russell Barkley, he does talks on ADHD. I've come across a fair bit of his content on various platforms.

Every time I see one of his videos I end up in tears. Usually within the first few minutes.

He speaks very plainly and clearly about the function of ADHD. He presents a realistic picture of what is happening and what is required.

I came across this one:

In typical fashion, I found myself crying within a few minutes.

Because other than schooling I have never had a support system. I have never had a single person in my life really hold me accountable. I have never had anyone work with me to create some kind of structure or consistency.

Everything he said, even within the first minutes, resonated with me so deeply. Because I honestly have no idea if I can do this alone. And it scares me that I might wind up getting nowhere because I am lacking in support.

ADHD is manageable. But it is damn near impossible to manage alone.

I just don't know where to go from here.

[lucasmeows-blog]

Why Daredevil series is so good

I was re-watching the Netflix Daredevil series.  I really love Daredevil, I read a lot about him, one of my favorite stages was the one Bendis wrote (after his success they gave him the ultimate universe, he was director of marvel and everything went to hell) he rethought Frank Miller's style, brought many great supporting characters and in addition to that unique tenure where his secret was in danger and he tried to convince the press that he was not daredevil while they investigated him. Bendis ends his stage with Matt going to jail and another very good stage begins

The thing is, the series portrayed the best of comics with an interesting three-dimensional character development: the bad guys aren't just bad, the good guys aren't totally good, they're all human. The daredevil series is faithful to the comic in the sense that it captures its essence and adapts it to reality (we all know that Daredevil has the gallery of the most ridiculous villains that exist)

The chosen color palette seems very appropriate to me because in a comic you can look good in his red devil costume but finding someone dressed like that would be quite ridiculous when what Matt was looking for was to instill fear in his enemies (or was that Batman?)

 They gave Karen an importance more than being the love of Matt's life that in reality the only thing she basically does is leave him and come back to leave him again. Karen never earned my love in comics, especially for selling Matt's identity FOR A SINGLE DOSE OF DRUG

I mean she could have asked for a lot more. However I had liked his return as a feminist activist who wanted to destroy the porn industry. The thing is that they gave her a personality from the beginning and a greater participation in the series, was not only the pretty secretary that both lawyers fall in love with (she had to be a naive and hegemonic blonde because they were going through times much more misogynistic than now. In fact the subject of misogyny in comics is left for another day to delve deeper)

 and the most important thing Karen is not alone to break Matt's heart and screw everything, he is convinced by the truth and becomes a reporter (a bit abrupt maybe but I accept it)

I always liked that formula from the comics where a client with a somewhat unusual problem presented himself, a difficult case that was not credible that Matt accepted when he learned that he was not lying and investigated the case as Daredevil. Something I really appreciated about the series is that Foggy is the first to find out his secret, Foggy always deserved more and was always treated as the naive friend of Matt Murdock, I think they gave him some of the respect he deserved, also many will remember his incredible bad luck in love, but the relationship with Marci that although it is a little strange ends up being pretty? I dont know

     What impacted me the most: Wilson Fisk and Bullseye, are one of the biggest villains daredevil faced, I had no faith that they interpret them well but OH MY GOD. I empathized with both of them and then I worried about myself. But it is great, I mean yes, maybe it is not the size that Kingpin has in the comics and it took a long time to put on his white suit but they show how he is building his empire, manipulating and convincing people, it was like a construction, when he finally Put on his white suit is like  ready. He did it, he became the Kingpin.

     I never thought Bullseye could be portrayed in any way other than a psychopathic killer incapable of feeling. They show us as a beginning, it reminds us that it necessarily had to be a person who lived in society until he got fed up and became what he is. It was quite ingenious and interesting, also a way of talking about mental health, and touching on that subject I would have liked to see a little more about Melvin Potter "the gladiator", who if you read comics you know him, but if you don't is going to be only the man that makes the costume for daredevil. I found his story very beautiful because it was not easy for him to recover, he needed Matt's trust and he became a very tender and sensitive giant human that unfortunately was easy to manipulate. Justice for Melvin. 

    I like that too, there wasn't a big obsession with saying who they were and remembering him all the time, they just were (I talk about the super cliche conversations where they yell daredevil, he yells the name of the villain and then replies -you'll never catch me daredevil because I ...- and they say his name and tell his whole evil plan). 

    In general I liked everything about the series, I love it, I found it so perfect, a work of art. It is the best adaptation I have ever seen and we know that the story of the comic is not perfect in its entirety. I was amazed at how good the scripts were, the character transformations, the tense moments, the way they portrayed Matt's heightened senses (haha I can smell the suit, Matt you should know that sounds super weird). Yesterday reading the credits I came across the list of thanks, and I understood why they managed to capture that essence. Look at those writers, that team, it's just incredible.

There is a lot to talk about, I just wanted to highlight those general aspects, as I already said I really love daredevil, I really like his relationship with Ben Urich and the numbers narrated from his perspective, it broke my heart a little that this character did not exploit but it is fine It doesn't have to be exactly like the comic. I think the proper enemies had to be carefully chosen to display, I also believed that the owl was going to survive and become a major villain eventually but it didn't. The series is really good, anyone can watch it and enjoy it, you don't have to be a comic fan to understand it. The coordination of fights, the camera movements, the lights, the scenery, the scripts, it is beautiful to see.

The man without fear. (Oh and Charlie Cox was so sexy)

[dear-yandere]

—ask collection!

a collection of mostly very old chats and sweet asks that i never got around to answering! thanks for the patience and love!! 

beware, fairly long post... woops....

chat asks.

darling: Eu-jin is best boy. Change my mind.

vanya: i am physically incapable of fulfilling that request, how dare you do that to me... i’m biased since he’s my own oc, but i would die for my (very best) boy eu-jin... who can resist such a gentle yandere that loves you so whole-heartedly?

that reminds me! he’s actually based off of kuroyuki and gekkamaru from the otome nightshade, so if you want similar characters by any chance, do check them and the game out ♡

darling: I was watching the dub for Part 5 of JoJo's Bizarre adventure yesterday...Mista called himself Daddy and I like- sdfghjfgsdhnhnmj!! My heart can't take this--

vanya: WAIT HE DID???? i’m not even big on daddy kink and reading that made me go 😳 this is vital information to know... what episode was this??? for research purposes, of course. gotta perfect my yan! mista, after all~...

darling: for yandere songs, have you heard of the major to minor covers by chase holfelder :O? the way he delivers the lyrics in some songs (betty, all i want for christmas), added with the key changes to minor, is really fantastic, and gives a stalker-ish vibe imo! and he's a really good singer in general

vanya: i have!! a good chunk of them are actually on my personal yandere playlist, so i end up hearing them frequently when i’m writing!! i haven’t been keeping up with his uploads recently, so ‘betty’ is completely new to me and just, wow???????????? this man is an absolute god send for us “romantic” horror fans... ♡

this ask gave me such a lovely idea, though, darling: assigning yandere types/mbti based off each of chase’s minor key covers. i think i’ll do that just for you. ♡

darling @blossomiich​: I reread some of your old character interaction asks and saw the one with Jotaro hugging his Darling after a panic attack and the elephant seal plush reminded me of the iconic C H O N K Y ringed seal plushie that was kinda trending and I can totally imagine Jotaro having one of those >w< that's so adorable!

vanya: i honestly don’t remember that interaction, but then again i don’t remember most things hmghng so i looked it up and

j...just imagine star plat hogging it and not letting joot cuddle with it 🥺 the duality of man...thank you for this cute image...

darling: Umm, sorry for asking this. I'm just curious because of your bio language in your header. Are you Chinese too, perhaps?

vanya: no worries!! i’m mixed guyanese (indian, chinese, & possibly black and/or portuguese), but my family only celebrates (or rather, acknowledges?) our indian descent, since the majority of our family is predominantly east indian. 

my header is actually a quote from a danmei novel (and one of my all-time favorite fandoms), tiān guān cì fú (heaven’s official blessing)!

darling genki stan anon: Omg you're writing for free now, i didn't expect that one lol. It's a cute show innit? Not a nagi stan but I feel like nagisa has that kinda unsnapped personality that would make him peak delusional yandere material lolol like oikawa but less threatening and without his head being up his own ass 😂. Hope you're doing well!! -gsa

Gdjsjs im such a fool, i think my last ask said something about not thinking you'd write for free when i literally just pointed out kisumi on your sideblog LMAO my bad 😅 😂 also ill hold back on the gen chan requests because ive already asked so many in the past! Thank you though 🥺. Also feel free not to post this, it can just dip into my onesided chats with my lil flower 💐 so long as you receive them im fine 😌 -genki stan anon

vanya: nagisa isn’t my favorite (kisumi is), but gods if he wouldn’t make a great yandere. honestly, out of the iwatobi boys, nagi is probably the most unhinged. i wouldn’t peg him as delusional, at least not at first; i think he’s very lucid and knows exactly what he wants and how to manipulate people in order to get it!!! kisumi is fairly similar now that i think about it... i might... have a type...

please feel free to send in gen-chan requests whenever you want!!!! i’m kinda super asocial, so it’ll take me a while to answer, but i love getting asks from you since you’re so sweet and excitable!!! your little flower reads and cherishes them all!! 🥺

also darling genki stan anon: Sorry for spamming you with asks hdjkdks, u dont even need to reply im just kinda brain empty venting here whether you recieve them or not 😂 i just needed to confess that while yes i am #1 gen simp, and he is undoubtedly my fave oc of yours but that Ilya tentacle smut had me very much so highkey kinda 👀, had to re read the genki oral style drabble to bring my head back. He dont even need to worry about luca bc that man a thot. I think therin is a thot too but like lowkey, a classy thót -gsa

vanya: omg i’ve kept this one for forever mnmghngh i might’ve even answered at some other point, now that i think about it... but i just 🥺 gosh i hope i find my muse soon, because i really wanna write you a genki fic 🥺 hhhh

the ilya tentacle smut was so in character for that boy... i have no clue how to write monsters, much less tentacles, but i’d honestly do anything for him 🙏 kinky russian boy...

therin is definitely a classy thot, the kind that only bangs the finest concubines then turns around and slut shames you for banging the very same prostitutes gbfmngnfg rules don’t apply to him, in his kingdom...wish that were me tbh ✊😔

sweet asks.

darling one: i've read almost all of your dazai and chuuya fics and i love them so much!! your formatting is also super aesthetic just a question, i saw on your kofi that you also draw so i was wondering if you drew all the header arts?? bc they're all super pretty :) have a great day!

darling two: Just wanted to say love the writing and the way your format your posts is so aesthetically pleasing. One day I hope my posts looks half as good as yours because I legit can't get over how pretty and organized it looks.

vanya: omg thank you so much!!!! one of my bffs, yue, is to thank for the formatting and aesthetic choices, really! if you wanna see more of her aesthetic formats and posts, she actually runs a few blogs! you may know her as @milkscafe​, formally @milkaaton! i adore her and her aes choices so much 🥺

as for the headers, i don’t draw 99.98% of them! i have drawn a couple, but they’re so few and far in between since i almost never finish my art wips haha... my older posts are lacking proper credits because i’m an absolute idiot, but i’m slowly working my way backwards to credit them all where possible! they’re all indeed super pretty!!!

have a great day yourself, my love!!

darling: THEY’RE NOT BAD CONTENT, I LOVE THEM ALL

vanya: this was in response to a now-deleted lil blurb but i kept it in my inbox because i wanted to say i love u very much and seeing this ask each time i open my inbox makes my heart skip a beat ♡

darling: Listen I love your writing, you inspired me to start it myself! I've always loved to write, and read of course but your style and concepts just stick with me. If you where to write something besides Yandere content/fandom content and started your own series? I would read the shit, out of it. I'm always nervous to interact with my favorite writers because you know, I'm afraid of the impression I'd leave but I just wanted to say this anyway! 💞💞💞🔫😳

vanya: wowowow fgfnmgnfmngfg that’s such a high compliment my brain just gmfnbgmnf go boom fogjfngnfg and thank you for the interaction, us writers truly appreciate it no matter how awkward or nervous you think you may be / come off!!!

darling one: As a writer, your post struck a nerve with me. I don’t send feedback to writers I like nearly as much as I should (and certainly not as much as I’d like in return as a writer). So, as such, I’m going to start doing that when I can, starting with you.

You are an incredible writer. You were one of the first yandere writing blogs I found and you’re still one I check in on regularly to see what you have been working on. You can portray a sense of suspense and intrigue in a natural way that many other writers - published ones included - struggle with. You delve into the darkness without it feeling forced, and you have an amazing grasp on the psyches of the characters you write for (which is a quality I adore in writing and strive toward myself).

I’m not great at ending these things so I guess.. you keep doing you? Because the you is great and I appreciate it.

darling two:  hey. i'm here to tell you that from the bottom of my heart i love you and your writings. i really admire your writing skills. you inspire me. one of your posts once saved me from a nervous breakdown. thank you for everything you do. you're a wonderful person. good luck!

darling three: I wanted to tell you that thank you for writing such wonderful beautiful writings and that you take time to edit and write I hope you are taking care of yourself 💖❤

darling four: Thanks. I was having a hard time and deleted all my apps, but as soon as i opened my phone my first instinct was to look at your blog and i got my motivation back. Thanks (:

darling five: Hi ! I just wanted to say I really enjoy the stories you write and how they are detailed so well ! Stay safe and I hope you have a good day/night ! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

vanya: ahhhh, these are very old asks mostly dating back to my “tumblr writing community is dying” post, and i’ve kept them this entire time because i’m just so starstruck. i have no clue how to reply to compliments, so i’m not sure what else to say besides that these asks made me very happy and got me through a few insecure moments!!! i’ve actually been feeling a little down about my writing recently, mostly because of lack of motivation / inspiration, so revisiting these really warmed my heart, so thank you truly ♡ i’m certainly keeping the originals in my inbox until the end of time!!

darling @monstrously-obsessed: psst, this local cryptic mom thing send all of their love for you 💕

vanya: your local herbo says she loves you very much momster 🥺 mwah

also, to the anon worried about my safety:

thank you so much for pointing that out!!! it hadn’t even crossed my mind when i made those ocs, so i appreciate your concern! i was contemplating revamping those two as is, so this is a great place to start! thank you again!!

[strawbnie]

what are your favourite movies/movies you'd want someone to watch if they wanted to get to know you?

hey hi i love this ask so much and i am absolutely going to indulge and go haywire in this answer

dirty dancing: strap in because this is going to include at least 3 80s movies but I Digress. this movie is very vivid in my mind from my childhood (even though i’ve probably watched it 3 times in the past year not to mention…. every other year), and it’s just such a perfect source for (a) my gigantic bisexuality, (b) my obsession with dancing, © being kind, and giving, but not letting that mean letting other people walk all over you. The fact that Frances has all these dreams that seem improper or trivial to her family but she still /She Still/ chases after them is the BIGGEST life lesson that has stayed with me.(for the record: dirty dancing 2: havana nights, which is - i think - disproportionately and UNJUSTLY shit on, is one of the best movies i’ve ever seen and it absolutely changed my life and i love it and id add it to the list too if it wasn’t part of this franchise)

guardians of the galaxy: i don’t think i need to explain much about this other than that this movie is the manifestation of everything i value both visually and morally and most importantly; how i handle all conflict. not to mention that movies where the underlying theme is the Power of Friendship make me nut harder than an oak tree

ferris bueller’s day off: this movie means so much to me i am literally incapable of being lowkey when i talk about this movie, i hyperventilate and my hands move too fast and i have such a fondness for matthew broderick in this film and just??? my personality is a cursed amalgamation of cameron and ferris and this movie explains my personality with such perfect precision it’s CRAZY and that’s all i’m going to say on it because i’d need days to talk about this movie to my satisfaction so jot that down!

unaccompanied minors: i always refer to this movie whenever anyone asks me what my favourite movie is because it just. Is. it’s a constant. It’s a feel-good christmas movie that took me until THE END to realise; fuck, there’s no santa claus there’s no magic elves it’s just a bunch of kids in an airport where all flights r postponed bc of the blizzard - but i still think it’s the best and most ASTOUNDING film exploration of christmas magic that’s ever been attempted. That’s christmas magic, that’s it. this movie captures it to a T. these kids finding themselves and friendship in one another and it’s just the BEST cast of personalities I HAVE EVER experienced and thinking about it makes goosebumps rise on my skin i literally cry every time i watch it?? to the point that it’s ridiculous. We used to rent it (back when renting dvds was a valid practice) and i’d watch it All Year Round. We rented it every fucking week that’s all u need to know.

amelie: acts as karma in karma’s stead. most unconventional love story i’ve ever seen play out. always, ALWAYS makes me feel happier at the end of it than i’d been at the start. literally the source of why i speak the way i do, why i use the words i use, why i conceptualize most things i do. also perfect example of Just Be Fucking Kind. i love this movie so much and the soundtrack BANGS

dead poets society: i steer as far away from sad movies as i possibly can - i’ll watch them, i’ll enjoy them, i’ll praise them - but i would never subject myself to them more than once. hah. here’s where the tide turns. dps means so much to me on an intimate, cosmic level i don’t know if i m ready to talk about. it has the saddest movie plot twist i can even think of, and i dehydrate myself every time i watch it, but it’s still one of the most positive movies and influences in my life and growth as a person, and while Sad Things Happen, i don’t think of it as sad. It ends so positively, it shows you that there is so much good, and evolution, and new opportunities to be taken in every corner of life. I just love it so fucking much!!!!!!! FUCK

Cinderella (2015): this movie. this FUCKING movie. the prince falls in love with cinderella for the things she’s said to him, for the way she manages to shake up his worldview with just one conversation, not just because she’s pretty. The stepmother is so vivid, and real, and there’s a REASON for her malice, it’s not just mellow theatre - it becomes so real; and yet, you still Hate her, you understand the whys of it, but it doesn’t JUSTIFY any of her behaviour. That decimating “i forgive you” at the end killed me. Most visually gorgeous movie i’ve ever seen, with such an engaging love story. “Have courage and be kind” is stuck in my head forever; i don’t think i could describe to you how deeply this phrase changed me

ever after: my other favourite cinderella adaptation. The prince falls in love with Danielle for her personality, they actually spend time together; his classism is confronted - by danielle herself, and by his advisors. He takes responsibility and uses his privilege for good. Leonardo Da Vinci is in it - there is no unnecessary love triangle involving danielle’s best friend, there is only healthy love and support and this movie is just boundless magic that never ends. And just like with unaccompanied minors - it took me until the end to realise there was no magic portrayed in it the way it usually is. I still maintain it’s the best fairytale film in the world, and there is so much magic in it (u just have to know where to look).

mamma mia: for those of u who know me, this needs no explanation. I think if u just watch the movie you’ll get it, and me, 100%

Pride: GOD, OKAY I DONT” THINK I CAN TALK ABOUT THIS MOVIE N O T IN ALL CAPS. THIS MOVIE IS EVERYTHING TO ME I COUDL WATCH IT? FOREVER. REALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF GAY PEOPLE, A DISCUSSION OF THE VERY REAL, VERY PAINFUL HISTORY OF AIDS, AND RIOTS, AND BEING GAY - WITHOUT THAT TAKING AWAY FROM THE LIGHT TONE OF THE MOVIE. THIS MOVIE IS SUPERIOR TO EVERY OTHER FUCKING MOVIE OUT THERE I AM SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH THIS MOVIE AND I WANT TO CRY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT HTANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT

you’ve got mail: i’m going to take this last spot to also suggest watching literally every other romcom that’s ever been made (sleepless in seattle, can’t buy me love, just like heaven, imagine me and you, confessions of a shopaholic, leap year, etc.) because those are a very good, concise summary of who i am as a person but this one specifically is my Title Choice because just. god i don’t have the Energy or Brains to even think about explaining why im just. So happy this movie exists. I’m literally so in love with the characters in this, and the cinematography of it and the plot and their DYNAMIC and everything - everything about this movie has me soft at the heart

[cum-om-me]

Personal Entry:

Otter here, first i guess itd be fair to explain a few things up top.

Firstly Otter is a metaphorical alter ego which was created based of a nick name given to me in highh school.

I was coined as "the nomadic Otter" due to my well known history of drifting continuously through this existence being born in a foreign land not to many continents away,but like a gracious river otter flowing with the rivers which eventually reach the seas, i was always stoned more naive, but ironically zen. I was brought here by my single mother at four yrs old, my father was never in the picture nor was i allowed to speak about him or inquire about him to my family and those who may have any information regarding the history of my own coming into being.

We became permanent residents four years later and im currently going through the process of naturalization. I went through the american education system since pre kindergarten so naturalization has occured as an outcome, but just isn't finalized and paid for so i am now going through that initiation. Ive paid and gone through the preliminary round.

We landed in a small town in texas, age four. Came to california at fifteen, twenty years id moved one year to, year and a half due to my mothers profession In the medical field, sometimes, or i guess i should say almost always, we would have to go to where the work was most needed in order to sustain our basic living, taking us all over texas and parts of southern california. After eighteen yrs of age, i left home with duffel bag and a guitar because i wanted to escape the conventual fate planned for me by my elders.

Nature loves courage.... And it is Apparently so.

Of course there are so many factors and so much information to divulge to add the proper context to the point im trying to get to in the conclusion of this story. Im afraid id diverge so ill have to return to all that some other day.

Now that you understand where the otter ego within me (pun intended) was teased and entertained as an ideal character for the person i am, its seeds didnt really start sprouting till last year (2019) and its peaked above the mud, i can explain my newly found understanding of the purpose of using this "alter ego" "character" "avatar" to be able to dissolve the borders of my own limitations as a person creating art. To be able to truly entertain these thoughts through the medium of the otter avatar and not as the man, for it has been increasingly difficult for me to be able to contemplate and philosophize with my peers and the community of souls i once accepted as my tribe, in a way of intellectual taste and progress.. Now it seems the bridges between me and the village are dissolving and im trying to understand why. I stand on the side which i believe to be that of the importance of knowledge of self, critical thinking, and responsible skepticism in order to be able maintain reason within the tribe, to perserve that which is most human in our nature, in comparison to the madness we have seen over and over throughout history displaying itself in obvious patterns of repetition that consumed mobs rabidly, making itself its own enemy. Lets use a symbolic metaphor. The snake eats its own tail in the delusions of unity to find when its finished nothing remains but its mind left exposed, and without protection from even the weakest but competent prey.

You see the metaphors are simply the inner poet, using symbolic visual linguistic tools to paint a clearer picture.

We are a story driven organism, just ask the keepers of morality and the stories of god which has defined the basis of our now hypocritical society using it like a crutch too old to withstand the withering of time, frail and ready to snap like a twig beneath ones feet.

As george carlin once said "no one seems to notice, no one seems to care" and every debate that has naturally transpired in my social structures as of late has lead to a point where logical conclusions, non threatening ones at that, lead to the opposing side raising their white flag and settling for mediocrity. "I dont care, leave me alone"

Then the attack on personality and character are used as a defenses to preserve the beliefs already founded due to the uncomfortable nature of growth.

I sit and watch as i always have the flicker, flame and smell of the bridge burning in blazes right before my teary eyed soul.

Am I no longer included, wanted by the collective community? Has my own pursuit for knowledge, understanding, truth and the inner rapture of personal discovery lead me to ruins door? Am i incapable of getting out of my own way? Can you even go to far within yourself?

No one wants me to feel but its not ok to feel nothing at all

To think but, only on the agreeable subjects of status quo

To speak when spoken to but to only speak what is conveniently easy to digest by a still watered mind threatened by the chaos of waves beating on the shores of its shared sands.

Has erosion driven us mad. Have the corrupted springs poisoned our waters too far beyond repair.

Must i reluctantly recluse amidst the tides and hide underneath lonely currents that travel vast desserts beneath oceans.

Pandemics, parks closed, beaches are now illegal to its native children, by a seemingly upset stepdad whos love is equal to obedience and incapable of parenting,it seems theyre now gunning for the fringe, the free, the open, the love expressed through physical incarnation as its own self love for its own existence, through the odd, differnt, freaks, weirdos, mutants, prophets, and visionaries

Why should i fight for those who dont care about their own person their, own freedom.

Why stand for those who wouldnt even stand with you, nor for you.

"Those who trade freedom for security deserve neither"

-Benjamin Franklin

Yet who am i to claim that anyone deserves anything or doesnt. So regardless of the I Dont Care Generation emerging. I choose to care for not what is principles of good or evil but what i intuitively feel is sincere and right. So I must begin with myself and only in following intention will i be able to incite any real change. By making a difficult choice and knowing that it feels as though the risk is worth the gamble.

So now ive heard loud and clear and i have nothing else to let go of but this. So ill hold my tongue and wish for the best. For the eutopia not the the sneaky slip into distopia.

There's nothing further i can do other than create, experiance, enjoy, let go, and face the music, To put it as Alan Watts did, " this doesnt mean you wont jump when you hear the bang, or that you wont feel fear, but youll accept it, and the person who understands the tao in the morning my sleep peacefully at night"

"Once the mind has been extended it cant ever go back"

-Terrence Mckenna

I hope that you know ive accepted the multitudes of possible outcomes for our future, i may be optimistic but i feel prepared, oddly prepared. This isnt a statement or message based on fear but something none the lesse my heart cannot hold in.

So Otter is born so to speak to embody the imagination im trying to let out without it being taken seriously, but sincerely and within the temple of the timeless. Art.

Without it having to be the me, the person, that funny feeling between the eyes that screams out I, who finds himself walking away from flames due to trial and failure in channeling its own expression. I will not desist i just must evolve and create the platform on which i may rebuild. The system updated and the restart brought about change. Now we begin again. Full of breath, with new found vision, i forgive myself for my failures but i wouldnt ever be able to look at my own reflection if i didnt try until i got it right. I vow to myself and olny to myself for thats the only source of validation needed to exist freely, sovereign, that i will do my best to be who i am meant to be, the being and self of my choosing.

"Most people spend their lives trying to find themselves, lifes about creating yourself"

-Bob Dylan

So in conclusion i know im different, and it may be intimidating but you cant just get rid of it, turns out you must overcome it, and the only way out is through and for me that began when i went within.

I am all for the rules, and being apart of this country and its society and obeying social order but as John Locke wrote in "Common Sense" that this is an unspoken agreement between the govenrment and its people that so long as they are just in ruling us" we will have to obey the law but there must be a way for its people to regain its country when tyranny and injustice is getting in the way of democratic processes and this is coming from a almost fully naturalized immigrant that came here to seek safe haven from a Democratic country plagued by unfairness. It would be a pitty to see it happen to a promise land founded of rich ideals. To those ive come to see as my own brothers and sisters, i love the ideal of true patriotism but where has it gone? If i need to be more protective of my personal privacy so that i may be able to practice my philosophical self studies, music, and comedy, to persue basic creative thinking methods openly. Then i choose this mask nit the one i was told to wear since birth. Theres always an person beneath the mask playing into the drama of this darma and we get into yoga with its fun to preten that we loose ourselves and assume the identity of the character portrayed in the scene in order to truly bring the crowd to the edge of its seat in awe and anticipation of the beauty of its poetry that at the end when the play is concluded both protagonist and antagonist join hands and the audience cheers for both equally for the dazzling deception and its cleverness for playing on the emotions of the observer.

Then the cast returns to the green room and become again who they were naturally.

Im 26 and ive found my character and im ready to submerse myself in its divine play and get involved participate, get lost in the mask of the person which is temporary but the spark behind conciousness seems to be the driving energy of existence benevolent, and eternel. Worth gambling so, now we roll the dice and hit the mystery button, just like the amnesia serum we gave ourselves before conception, into the womb we went. Only when you awaken your consciousness in the dream do you get to control the avatar, lucidly.

It doesnt seem to be a requirement, more like an EXPERIANCE badge rewarded for interesting work in the feild.

These again are ideals, not truths, thoughts and patterns worth examining and if capable entertaining till the conclusions and realizations of truth or delusion run their course. If you havent reached that point you havent really thought it through logistically right?

Lets discuss this comment below.

[nothingneverforever]

Yesterday (2019)

When I’d just seen the trailers and promo stuff for Yesterday, there was some great excitement in me. I loved The Beatles years ago, I mean, I really really loved them, I’ve got about 15 books on them, borrowed my mom’s credit card to shop online for DVDs of all their original movies when I was 14, etc etc, so Yesterday’s premise added up and seemed to look like something I’d enjoy: Danny Boyle, mysterious ultra-niche alternate reality in an otherwise utterly regular world, some kind of deadpan irony about the whole situation…

Then it came and went in cinemas and I never got down to seeing it. So I watched instead this film review by DazzReviews on Youtube, titled “Yesterday Missed A MASSIVE OPPORTUNITY (SPOILERS)”.  It’s a short and simple analysis of key weaknesses of the film, being that its actual contents greatly pale in comparison to its great potential. Even without watching the film, I understood Dazz’s gripe because even seeing snippets of the film bored me. It is such a unique, and almost cute idea afterall: a blackout causing selective loss of memory in every single individual in this world (save for 3, later to be discussed) where post-blackout, The Beatles and other cultural/social phenomenon do not and have never existed. Our protagonist, who pre-blackout was a struggling singer/songwriter, then decides to release Beatles songs from his memory as his own, thus gaining global popularity and attracting immense adoration. It’s not novel, perhaps reminiscent of time-travel narratives idk, but it’s still fun right?  

Yet even after watching this review video and understanding the film’s flaws and being able to imagine how disappointing the film would have been, watching it in full for myself was still an upsetting experience. Google tells me that Yesterday is of the ‘Drama/Fantasy’ genre, which gives me a good starting point for my critique: how utterly un-fantastical it is.

Our protagonist Jack Malik is LITERALLY the most vanilla, ungrateful, boring, not-alive, nothing-at-all, annoying, pathetically male (in terms of tantrum-throwing and ingratitude) character I have ever seen. None of this is hyperbolic, his character literally sucks so freakin much omfg, absolutely devoid of any redeeming or even remotely INTERESTING qualities at all. In fact save for maybe one scene (which I will talk about below), I don’t think there was another single second in the entire film where we saw him smiling. This is not to say that he’s portrayed as especially tortured or depressed in demeanor, merely to indicate his absolute dearth of warmth and personality.

Meanwhile, it becomes clear as the boring film progresses boringly that Yesterday is in fact nothing more than a love story. The cute Beatles twist is merely a device to show us how Jack and his “love interest” Ellie (inverted commas cos their love sucks omfg I cant imagine that ANYONE viewing it is convinced) were in fact meant to be, with Jack’s momentary superstardom existing to show him that all he ever wanted was his old life, the one with Ellie (even though they were never together because THEY ARENT EVEN MEANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE OKAY….). But, just as Jack’s character itself is flawed and awfully written, our female protagonist Ellie is SOOOOOO early 2000s. Just think of the most typical stock supportive, sweet, pretty, unfailingly kind and patient female whose presence is taken for granted etc etc… So her stock sweetie pie female character coupled with the most unbelievably charmless and unlikable male character make for the most unshippable couple you could possibly imagine. We are supposed to be charmed by her obvious-to-everyone-except-him love for Jack, supposed to have our heartstrings tugged by the singular scene of teenage schoolgirl her standing by the wings of the stage with hearts in her eyes while teenage schoolboy him sings a most soulless rendition of Wonderwall but it literally does absolutely nothing. The means has not met the end! This is a grossly uninspiring love story and there is no fantasy whatsoever!!

Honestly how is this even a Danny Boyle product? But then again… Zhang Yimou, boasting the incredibly genius Raise the Red Lantern (1992) on his resume, also did The Great Wall (2016) so I guess even heroes have the right to bleed or even the best fall down sometimes or something. OMG WAIT  I just googled the film again and not only is it directed by Danny Boyle but also written by Richard Curtis LOL wtfffffffffff okay this is the worst film ever seriously

Early on just after the global blackout thing, before Jack becomes the huge superstar that he does after his music (“his” music) is released into the world, when he first decides to use the songs of The Beatles, he is cajoled by his parents into performing for them in their humble living room. (by the way his parents are played by Sanjeev Bhaskar and Meera Syal who I have LITERALLY seen in about 1000 British TV shows and movies by now… idk maybe Yesterday was intended as a semi-ensemble cast film? Since there are other “appearances” by other known faces… ok whatever.) I guess this scene of him, superstar-to-be, sitting down at his piano in the claustrophobic living room with his parents exaggerating their domestic inclinations and comforts (by holding their cups of tea and settling themselves into their sofa-chairs etc) is meant to be comedic, we’re meant to laugh at how his parents have no idea the genius that is about to be released unto the stratosphere embodied by their all-great son Jack Malik, and it’s a predictable scene: his parents get disturbed by the bell and other things in the first 10 seconds of his performance, so Jack has to begin Let It Be 4 times over and never gets past a few lines… and okay, it’s funny because they are treating Jack’s “performance” as such because he has never before produced anything worthy of actual attention and has never performed in any manner that has demanded any respect given that he was an absolutely mediocre singer, but the scene is ruined by how Jack was written to have to react. Instead of taking it in his stride and recognizing that his parents are taking it so lightly because they have no idea how big the song is going to be because they have had no reason to expect anything great of him before, Jack throws a big fucking tantrum and asks why they cannot and have not respected the greatest song to ever be written etc etc… and okay, maybe this was intentional because we are to infer that Jack’s reaction is a projection of his own insecurities about releasing entirely unoriginal songs as his own, perhaps he has doubts about whether they would do as well as they did when The Beatles themselves released them, perhaps he has doubts that he is the right person to do this at all, anxieties and fears about being able to get away with it all… Sure, but I don’t want to give the writers the benefit of this doubt. If I were to watch the scene with my eyes and ears and not my brain, all I’d see is a dumbass manchild with a temper and ego problem incapable of accepting responsibility for the decisions he’s made, plus being unnecessarily cruel and disrespectful to his simple parents who want only to support him, if superficially. Basically, he’s dumb and the worst protagonist you’d want for a romcom.

But let it not be said that I am an extremist with my views: there was one sub-plot that showed promise and that made me think perhaps there was more to this film than the nothingness it had conveyed hitherto. When Jack played in Moscow, as an opening act for Ed Sheeran, we saw the haunting face of a large man in the crowd, carrying a knowing look in his eyes. It gave us a great sense of unease, seeing his concerned face contrasted with the throng of pretty girls screaming their hearts out (you know, à la “Moscow girls make me sing and shout”). Then later we see an English lady (played by the iconic amazing Sarah Lancashire who I know and love so so much from Happy Valley), who like the Russian man, carries the same speculation in her sharp eyes, as she sees Jack manically making his way through Liverpool, visiting key landmarks like Eleanor Rigby’s grave, Strawberry Fields, Penny Lane etc because, as she says to him later, “you cant write songs about places you’ve never been to”. So anyway, this odd pairing make up the only 2 other known humans in the world who for unexplained reasons also remember the existence of The Beatles, and thus recognize that Jack’s positioning of the entire Beatles discography as his own original work to be fraudulent.

So we as audiences who hardly care for this dumbass Jack but have still held on to some hope that the film would bring us some element of surprise and karma for this annoying fraud (whose singing voice by the way is literally the most forgettable ever), we would have loved nothing more than for Jack to face the sound of music (as Mother Mary comes to him). But instead of, I dunno, chopping his head off or outing him to the world, the mysterious duo thank him for bringing their much beloved Beatles songs back into the world, the whole who has forgotten them. They thank him for doing justice to the memory of the greatest band of all time, and together the duo and Jack dance and cheer in a side room minutes before Jack goes out to perform for the biggest crowd he’s ever played to. It’s just…  lame and not even a satisfying easy way out. Oh remember above when i said there was literally only about one scene of Jack smiling, this was it. And he only smiled because obviously he was relieved at not having his secret revealed to the world by these two..... ughhh WE DONT WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY!! WE HATE U!!

Okay haha I shall end this as I do all my other ‘reviews’… by saying that I’m lazy already and cant really be bothered to continue but shall conclude by proclaiming that this film sucked… not in a remotely camp or quiet or interesting manner either. It was just boring and bad and of great disrespect to the music of The Beatles.

 -------------------

Omg I have just attempted to read some actual reviews of this film and some actually think it’s ‘charming’ and ‘surprisingly moving’ and that the leads have ‘chemistry’………….. that’s literally the fakest thing I’ve ever heard lol bye bye!

[mlmshadowhuntersource-blog]

Ive heard a lot of stuff about how m/m should write m/m fic and it can be disrespectful and fetishizing if ur not. Im sort of figuring out who I am, but I'm pretty sure that im a boy and i know that im bi. I dont have a dick and I've never been in a relationship. Is it disrespectful for me to write m/m, especially if when I end up realizing I'm fluid or something? I mostly wrote smut as an outlet, but I dont want to fetishize anyone. I'm not trying to, but people do shitty things w/o realizing

Sorry if that’s long and bad punctuation, I was running out of space and im an anxious person. Basically, I just dont know if I can consider myself an m/m author, bc I’m bi and… not technically a boy? Idk?

Hey! So let me start off by saying that it’s absolutely 100% ok to be uncertain about your gender, it’s totally normal. And, overshare maybe, but neither of us have dicks either. Also, not every mlm is binary trans! I myself am non-binary/genderfluid, but am mostly male-aligned, and so am comfortable with being referred to as a mlm. 

M/m smut written by non-mlm isn’t inherently fetishistic, that’s not what either of us ever meant to say. It’s just that mlm cannot fetishize other mlm for being mlm (but can absolutely fetishize trans mlm, mlmoc, disabled mlm, etc), and sometimes have the personal experience to write more realistic content. But! Not all of us. 

So, the short answer is no, you’re not being disrespectful for writing m/m smut. Just like mlm are not totally incapable of writing fetishistic content. The key is to be aware and do research if you need to, and maybe ask someone who is mlm questions if they indicate they’re comfortable with that. 

-Ira

Hello! And hey dude, it’s great that you’re figuring yourself out - I’m very proud of you (and Ira is, too, probably) for being comfortable enough to question and explore your gender. And on the binary trans thing - I have a hella complicated relationship with my gender but I consider myself a nonbinary trans man.

mlm SHOULD write m/m fic- absolutely, but it isn’t inherently disrespectful or fetishistic to write m/m fic if you’re not mlm. What makes something fetishistic is how the author portrays the [marginalized] group, not who the author is.

Someone isn’t automatically being disrespectful and/or fetishistic by writing mlm smut or mlm couples in fic because that in and of itself isn’t disrespectful/fetishistic. How they choose to write our sex [life] or our relationships is what determines whether or not it is fetishistic/disrespectul.

I hope that made sense???

- Tyler

tldr; you’re not automatically being disrespectful or fetishistic with writing mlm smut (as a mlm or as a non-mlm). and do research - ask mlm blogs (and/or us). get mlm to beta your fics.

also good luck on your gender questioning journey m’dude!