#and i don't really get it

[problemswithbooks]

I will agree that calling Stolas names isn't very nice, nor does it add to OP's criticizing, but I understand where they're coming from. I'll explain why OP and others might agree with the idea that Stolas staying in the marriage doesn't make sense, and therefore people like OP blame him for staying.

Stolas going to the party wasn’t about “obligation.” It was about avoiding whatever retaliation Stella would dish out if he didn’t. Abuse operates on control, and the victim learns to navigate around the abuser’s unpredictable wrath to minimize harm. Stolas went because, in his mind, the fallout of staying home likely felt worse than enduring a miserable evening at Stella’s side.

I'm sorry, but where is this at all backed up by the show? Stella's tone in no way conveys that she cares whether if he goes or not. Stolas in no way is fearful of Stella in the scene, and even curses at her when he asks what is going on. The show in no way presents Stolas as going simply because he's afraid of retaliation, and given Stella didn't even give him the invitation herself and he only found out because it was in the paper, it's unlikely he's obligated to go for societal reasons.

Hell, I could equally argue that Stella did not want him to come at all. Hence, her not even telling him about the party and her making her awful comments about him as close to him as possible because she wanted him to overhear--her retaliation for him showing up. It'd also explain why she didn't care that he left. If she wanted him to be there, she'd have been angry he wandered off and go find him and drag him back.

The reason Stolas is at the party is that the plot needed him to be there. It needed him to be miserable, so he'd drink and then get so excited about Blitz being there. He's not in any way shown as being there because of some hinted threat by Stella. Due to the short run time of these episodes, surly the writers didn't feel like any reason needed to be given as to why Stolas would attend, abuse or having nothing else to do, either way. They simply needed him there to move the plot along, so that's why he's there at all.

Which is why, especially since they put in Stella's shrugged "You can come if you want" line, makes it look as if he went to an event he knew he'd hate for no reason.

Stella’s volatile personality made leaving a high-risk move. The likelihood of her retaliating—socially, politically, or even physically—was enormous. Stolas staying wasn’t about being a “sucker for punishment”; it was about survival. And let’s not forget, he had Octavia to consider. He believed staying gave her a chance at stability, even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness.

Yes, leaving an abusive relationship is hard, but none of the reasons that that's the case apply to Stolas (at least as far as he knew).

Stolas is one of the most powerful people in Hell. He outranks Stella's brother. He has immense magical power that Stella seems totally lacking. It is not an elected position and he never seemed worried at the possiblity of lossing it if he became unpopular. After Octavia was born he was under no obligation to stay so that seems to rule out his father refusing to let him leave. Financially, he was fine after the divorce and only lost everything because of the Full Moon Deal he made with Blitz came out.

Sure, you could argue it might have effected his social standing, but he seems disliked by most of them anyway. Plus, Stella is already ruining his social capital with the upper class as it is, by publicly badmouthing him, so it's no benefit, socially, for him to stay.

Stella is only shown as a stupid bitch, who is never nice, ever, so it's not as if the relationship is going through the usual cycle where the abuser apologizes and acts nice for a while, therefore luring their victim into thinking they've changed, and giving them happy times to remember, which makes leaving harder. Stella and Stolas always hated each other, so that's not why he stays either.

Abuse creates a cycle of control, self-doubt, and helplessness. Victims internalize their circumstances, convincing themselves that enduring the abuse is the safest or only option.

Yes, abuse does do this, but that is not what we are shown for Stolas.

He is never afraid of Stella. EVER. Instinctively, he protects his face when she throws things at him, but that's it. He never holds himself back from telling her what he thinks or showing he's angry with her out of fear. As I said before, he wasn't even less harsh or careful before he stood up to her. He doesn't show any signs of being affected by Stella's abuse, either, like subconsciously flinching away from Blitz yelling and getting in his face.

Hell, even after he finds out she hired Striker, he's not afraid. Instead, the focus is on his relationship with Blitz, and it's not portrayed as him doing so, because he's so afraid that he wants to distract himself with the one possible good thing in his life.

This take also misses how abuse warps decision-making when children are involved. Stolas stayed because he genuinely believed that keeping Octavia in a two-parent household was the lesser evil. Was it the right call? Maybe not. But it wasn’t about stupidity—it was about trying to protect her within a deeply broken system.

The problem with this is that, again, Stella is only shown as pure evil. If she's always been volatile, someone who never bothers to hide how awful she is, who will always say the mean thing regardless of how dumb a choice that is, then there is no reason for Stolas to ever assume Octavia having her mom in her life is a benefit. If Octavia, as we've been shown doesn't and has never, had a relationship with Stella, why would Stolas risk the possibility of Stella being cruel to Octavia? Which--given what we've seen of her, would be the most reasonable conclusion.

Plus, as I pointed out earlier, from everything we've been shown, and for all Stolas knew at the time, the systum would have been on his side. At most, he may have had to do pacial custody (as we see in the show) and lost a bit of money. Even if other Goeita don't like him, he seems to have more then enough power/high enough title they couldn't have done much about it.

And let’s not act like leaving would have been a magical fix. Stella isn’t the kind of person who���d let Stolas walk away quietly, much less take Octavia with him. She would’ve weaponized every ounce of her power to destroy him and maintain control over their daughter.

Again, where are you getting this?

Stella for all that Stolas knew, up until Striker kidnapped him, was leaving without a huge fuss (for her). At most, she wanted more money, which from the dialog doesn't appear he was lawfully obligated to give her. She never asked for Via and both of them seemed fine with taking turns with her. It was her brother's idea to 'manipulate' Via (which they don't really do, considering they can't stop loudly bragging about how evil they are in front of her) because he wants Stolas's power.

She's not presented as desperate for control over Via at all. She only hired Striker because Stolas cheated, not because she wanted to keep sole custody of Via. And, while yes, I think it's likely she would have tried to kill Stolas if he simply divorced her, we see no evidence to suggest Stolas thought that (he doesn't even notice when she hires Striker over the phone in front of him). Nor is he concerned about her brother in any way. The best we get is him saying "I don't care what your brother thinks" which more implies that he thinks Andre will simply be squawking in his ear about the divorce, which is annoying but not a threat.

If you can’t understand that, maybe it’s time to rethink how you approach character analysis—or better yet, try learning a thing or two about the psychology of abuse before you come for Stolas again.

I'm sure some people who don't like Stolas don't understand abuse or what it does to someone, but that's not everyone who points out issues with how he's portrayed. Personally, I, due to my own circumstances have to live with my abusive parent, so I get the psychological effects and reasons why someone wouldn't choose to leave an abusive situation. The problem is that the show does a poor job of conveying this reality with Stolas. Inturn this makes people not understand the situation he's in.

This isn't really a Stolas problem--he's not real. It's a writing problem. Not just for Stolas but for Stella. There were multiple ways to make this narrative work, even in small ways, like actually showing moments where Stolas was nervous around Stella, particularly in that pre-divorce flashback (similar to Moxxie and his abusive father).

Instead of a nonchalant, "Come if you want", have her say "you know what will happen if you don't come" with one of her malevolent smiles.

Maybe when he meets with Ozzie and sees Striker is involved, we get a shot of him being scared, and when he steps up to help Ozzie it's clear he's doing it in hopes of perhaps getting back at Striker in some small way.

Have Stolas flinch when Blitz gets in his face during Apology Tour, with it becoming more and more clear as they fight that he's growing more afraid/triggered by the fight, until he, in a panic, warps Blitz away. And instead of following Blitz right as he's kicked out we get a shot of Stoals trying to calm down before he has a full blow panic attack, maybe Stella's voice mocking him in his mind, with him trying to shrug it off while he looks down at the invitation, showing that part of the reason he goes to the party is to get his mind off of his past abuse.

During Sinsmas at some point he catches Stella watching everything down below and freezes momentarily in sudden fear.

Just, simply present it as Stella actually being someone he sees as a threat, someone who can actually do damage to him if he leaves. Instead, the show presents it as Stolas having all the cards. He has the money, the power, and social position (Ozzie, a Sin, likes him, and Vessago likes him too, so he's not completly isolated politically) to not just leave but leave Stella with practically nothing (so far all her social standing and personal wealth seems to come from Stolas, given she moved back in with her brother after the divorce and Andre says she'd get nothing if Via inherits). If he has no fear of her, if he'd lose nothing finacially, or socially, or politically. If his father isn't making him stay, then it does come across as him simply staying because...well, he wanted to.

The Lens of Abuse: Understanding Stolas’ Actions

💁🏽‍♀️🤖: Before we dive into the nitty-gritty, let’s remind ourselves of one critical fact: Stella is abusive. The show doesn’t beat us over the head with it, but the signs are everywhere—from her open contempt and cruel insults to her explosive fits of rage. Her dynamic with Stolas is defined by control, belittlement, and a lack of empathy. Abuse isn’t just about physical harm; it’s about creating a constant undercurrent of fear and power imbalance, and Stella wields both masterfully.

When analyzing Stolas’ choices—whether it’s staying in the marriage, going to that party, or how he handled things with Octavia—it’s essential to understand that they don’t exist in a vacuum. Abuse clouds judgment, limits perceived options, and forces victims to prioritize survival over happiness. Let’s break down why this perspective is crucial to understanding Stolas and why the critique of him being “pathetic” or “a sucker for punishment” completely misses the mark.

1. “He didn’t have to go to the party” — That’s Not How Abuse Works

It’s easy to sit back and say, “He didn’t have to go.” But when you’re in an abusive relationship, even basic decisions like this are never simple. Abusers like Stella don’t offer real choices—they create situations where every option carries a punishment.

Stolas going to the party wasn’t about “obligation.” It was about avoiding whatever retaliation Stella would dish out if he didn’t. Abuse operates on control, and the victim learns to navigate around the abuser’s unpredictable wrath to minimize harm. Stolas went because, in his mind, the fallout of staying home likely felt worse than enduring a miserable evening at Stella’s side.

Calling him “pathetic” for attending the party is an oversimplification that dismisses the psychological toll of years of manipulation and coercion.

2. “He didn’t have to suffer in the marriage” — Leaving Isn’t Easy

Here’s the thing about abuse: leaving isn’t just a decision—it’s a process. Victims often stay in harmful situations because of fear, obligation, or a belief that leaving will only make things worse. Stolas’ marriage to Stella wasn’t just an unhappy partnership; it was a deeply ingrained system of control.

Stella’s volatile personality made leaving a high-risk move. The likelihood of her retaliating—socially, politically, or even physically—was enormous. Stolas staying wasn’t about being a “sucker for punishment”; it was about survival. And let’s not forget, he had Octavia to consider. He believed staying gave her a chance at stability, even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness.

The idea that Stolas “didn’t have to suffer” ignores the reality that, for victims of abuse, the path out often feels blocked, whether by fear, societal expectations, or the abuser’s power.

3. The Cycle of Abuse: Why Stolas Didn’t Leave Sooner

Abuse creates a cycle of control, self-doubt, and helplessness. Victims internalize their circumstances, convincing themselves that enduring the abuse is the safest or only option.

Stolas wasn’t “just an idiot who can’t turn down obligation.” He was stuck in a dynamic where Stella controlled the narrative and made him feel powerless. Add to that the societal expectations of Hell’s elite, and it’s no wonder he felt trapped.

When victims like Stolas finally leave, it’s not because they’re suddenly smarter or braver. It’s because something shifts—whether internally or externally—that gives them the push they need. For Stolas, this shift came when he chose to pursue his own happiness, even at great personal cost. That’s not idiocy; that’s growth.

4. Octavia and Parental Decisions Under Abuse

This take also misses how abuse warps decision-making when children are involved. Stolas stayed because he genuinely believed that keeping Octavia in a two-parent household was the lesser evil. Was it the right call? Maybe not. But it wasn’t about stupidity—it was about trying to protect her within a deeply broken system.

And let’s not act like leaving would have been a magical fix. Stella isn’t the kind of person who’d let Stolas walk away quietly, much less take Octavia with him. She would’ve weaponized every ounce of her power to destroy him and maintain control over their daughter.

Stolas’ decision to stay wasn’t about weakness. It was about navigating a situation where no option felt truly safe.

5. Why This Argument Falls Apart

This take boils Stolas down to “an idiot who can’t turn down obligation,” but that’s an insultingly shallow reading of his character. Abuse isn’t about obvious choices or easy outs—it’s about power, control, and the psychological toll of living under constant threat.

Stolas’ actions make perfect sense within the framework of an abusive relationship. Calling him pathetic ignores the complexity of his situation and dismisses the very real struggles that abuse victims face every day.

TL;DR

Stolas’ behavior isn’t about being “pathetic” or “a sucker for punishment.” It’s about the psychological realities of abuse: the fear, the manipulation, and the way it warps decision-making. Leaving an abuser isn’t easy or obvious, especially when children and societal expectations are involved.

If you can’t understand that, maybe it’s time to rethink how you approach character analysis—or better yet, try learning a thing or two about the psychology of abuse before you come for Stolas again.

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

that article going around abt firefox's new ad program is annoying bc it's phrased as though "mozilla has finally TURNED on its people and is SELLING YOU OUT for cold hard cash!!" when. that's not what's happening. it is specifically being implemented to discourage tracking behavior, and literally all the data they are giving to advertisers is aggregate and anonymized, which is like, the opposite of what that post wants you to worry about, lol

[hansoeii]

It was affection.

[unsung-idiot]

don't show him modern technology; it won't end well

bonus under the cut:

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Expertise can't help you here.

[lgbtlunaverse]

The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[perrieedwards]

i feel like people are skimming over the uk riots in a way that makes me want to tear my hair out. muslims in the uk are in active danger. immigrants in the uk are in active danger. refugees in the uk are in active danger. people of colour in the uk are in active danger. asian communities in the uk are in active danger. black communities in the uk are in active danger.

there are massive far right riots throughout the country right now and people like fucking elon musk and nigel farage are inciting it and still have a platform to speak. people have used three young girls deaths, people's genuine grief in southport, to try and gain traction for their own racist bullshit and it's working.

a lot of refugee charities have been forced to close leaving many people without support, homes, funding, food, etc. if you aren't able to donate please consider sending a message via the conversation over borders campaign! it will send a hopeful, welcoming letter to a refugee in the uk. there is also a guide to staying safe here.

please do your own research and donate to refugee charities, anti-islamophobia charities, mosques who are trying to rebuild after being destroyed, counter protesters, here are some i've heard positive things about but the list is extensive; southport strong together (support for the southport victims and their families), southport mosque rebuilding, riot repair fund, middlesbrough vulnerable residents, nasir mosque rebuilding, hull help for refugees, bristol welcomes migrants,

[do-you-know-this-queer-character]

Do you know this queer character?

Castiel is Queer and Agender or Genderfluid, and uses varying pronouns based on presentation!

[heph]

The tech guy in movies

[retquits]

question because i'm curious...

+ tell me your favorite pokemon/reasoning in the tags i'm nosy

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

[nitw]

i've been waiting for gravity falls to become relevant again so i could share one of my favorite underrated bits from the entire show. like it's only episode 2 but this whole segment just makes me lose my shit. i think jason ritter's exasperated line delivery is what makes it

[o0kawaii0o]

ROMANCE DAWN TRIO

[hollis-art]

i keep seeing redesigns of them as humans so i decided to throw my hat into the ring

[fair-itself]

There's a lot I could say about The Subtance as an unflinching, gruesome close-up portrait of systemic misogyny, internalized sexism, self-hatred, and the brutality of fame, but more importantly, you know what I bet? I bet there is exactly one customer of The Subtance who is doing everything right. Week one, makes a living as a fitness influencer; week two, enjoys a lavish retirement funded by her other self's earnings. Week one, jogging, yoga, filming tiktoks, enjoying the vitality of youth; week two, Alaskan cruises, mahjong with the girls, enjoying unlimited free time and liberation from the crushing weight of the societal expectation to care what other people think of you. Keeps her other self on a nice air mattress with a quilt and always cooks a big recovery breakfast to be waiting for her when she switches. Walks out of that creepy alley every week whistling. Has no idea potential complications even exist. Every other user is living a psychedelic horror show of trauma, goop, and rage, and she's just at Barnes and Noble picking up the latest selection for book club. I know I'm alone in this, but I would happily watch that sequel.

[homkamiro]

I have finally build enough courage to post my stupid yumeship🥹throw rocks.