#and i certainly got by without it so i don't like making my summer advice about buying ridiculously priced dog treadmills

[darkwood-sleddog]

Hello, I adopted a senior malamute last October, and this is the first summer I’ve had her, and she’s the first arctic breed dog I’ve had. We had no issues walking a couple miles in the winter (we live in Ohio), but now that it’s summer, she seems to struggle in the heat, so I’ve kept the walks shorter. I’d like her to stay in better shape, especially because her hips aren’t the best, but other than walking at ridiculous hours of the day (summers here are warmer now than when I was a kid), I’d like to find a way to get her more exercise without her having to deal with the heat so much. Also, my house doesn’t have a lot of floor space, and she doesn’t really play with toys. Also, also, I’ve found that she’s pretty easy to train, though she gets bored with too much repetition. I was hoping you’d have some ideas or suggestions for us. Thanks!

Ohio isn't that much different than Vermont (having lived in both states). Both have humid summers and cold winters. The not wanting to play with toys and getting bored after repetitions is pretty normal malamute behavior (hello SIGURD). If you do any training sessions indoors (especially when trying to combat heat/need for stimulation) keep things short and fun!

I consider my dogs summer to be their "vacation" from longer, harder working and walking, but they do get exercise most days. While most dogs get their fittest in summer months as their people are able to do things longer, with arctic breeds it's going to be the opposite. Keep walks short and yes, my recommendation would be to walk at those ridiculous times of the day if your dog is really struggling to adjust (early morning is going to be cooler than late evening as it's had all night to cool vs heating up during the day). You can also look for alternative locations to take your pup that might not be as hot, easy to access swimming areas, shaded trails, etc. Honestly, anything to get away from pavement and lack of trees because you would not imagine the difference in heat dirt + trees makes vs asphalt + no trees (usually a 10 degree difference here in VT on the same day). But you should also keep in mind your dog's hips and don't go anywhere she might overstrain herself. Even if you go on a short walk, bring water for your pup. Mine are happy for a drink even less than half a mile out on a hot day (on a dirt road and shaded area even).

Other things to consider:

-has she lost her winter coat? in my experience this makes a MASSIVE difference to an arctic dog's ability to acclimate to summer. Some dogs do not drop their coat on their own like it should (often time spayed females and dogs with the long coat gene), and may need extra help achieving this through grooming.

-because my dogs have less activity in the summer months i reduce their caloric intake, this also keeps them cooler as they aren't burning through calories, but please talk to your vet before doing any caloric reductions, especially with an older dog. My reductions are only ever enough to maintain body weight with reduced activity and/or drop any unwanted weight that accumulates post sled/winter season.

Also if it is super hot it is 100% okay to give your dog a day off from activity besides potty breaks. Mine are useless rugs when it gets above certain temperatures and would be very uncomfortable if forced to participate in activity. If she needs stimulation on hot days i'd reserve lots of brain games and indoor training specifically for these days.

[putschki1969]

Hello dear Sarah, I hope you are well, I want to ask you a question since you are very expert on the subject, When kalafina existed (it hurts to say that😭) I was a teenager I couldn't buy their merchandise now that I can I want to know if I buy something from them, do they still make a profit or not?My friend says not anymore, if I want to support them, I better buy their materials as soloists. Please give me some advice.

Hello there!

I am so, so sorry! This reply is long overdue. I had this in my drafts for way too long. These days, I've really been struggling with summer fatigue and can't get motivated to do anything except the bare minimum. As a result, lots of asks have remained unanswered in my inbox/drafts.

Without further ado, let's get to your question〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

Disclaimer: Take everything you read here with a grain of salt. Even though I would consider myself to be quite knowledgeable on the matter, I don't have all the facts.

I think your friend is correct. If you are buying Kalafina releases (CDs, DVDs/BDs/etc) or merchandise (live goods etc) right now, it is very unlikely that the girls will profit from it.

The way the Japanese entertainment industry works, idols/singers often don't have any rights to their music (especially in a case like this where they don't have an active part in the creative process). From what we know, the members of Kalafina were most likely managed in a very common and traditional "employment dynamic" with their talent agency "Space Craft" , meaning that after the label (Sony/SACRA MUSIC) got its sizeable share, the agency basically pocketed all remaining earnings from Kalafina's activities and then distributed a contractually agreed upon percentage to the members in the form of a monthly salary. As the creative force behind everything, I would assume that Yuki Kajiura probably had a more favourable arrangement with Space Craft along the lines of a client <=> management relationship and therefore received earnings directly with a certain percentage going to the agency but I'm only speculating here. Considering the amounts of money that went to the label, the agency and Yuki Kajiura, it is likely that the girls received a quite meager share compared to everyone else involved. Not saying they weren't paid decently, it was obviously more than enough to allow all three of them to live comfortably (or luxuriously in Keiko's case - keep in mind tho that her family is well-off) but certainly nothing too crazy.

After leaving Space Craft, I very much doubt that Keiko and Hikaru would have financial gains from any Kalafina-related sales. Wakana on the other hand might profit indirectly from such purchases because she's still signed up with Space Craft. Some official Kalafina merch is still available in the Space Craft online store so if you buy anything from there, the money would obviously go to the agency. All other merchandise items that are floating around online or in stores are almost certainly second-hand goods so no profit is made except by the seller/thrift shop. As for music releases from official shops or distribution partners, I'm actually not sure if Space Craft would still receive a cut from that. I guess it depends on their arrangement with the label. I definitely wouldn't rule it out. (YK is probably getting something).

Long story short, if you want to support the girls, the best option currently is to buy their solo stuff. However, that doesn't mean that you should give up on your dream to buy Kalafina releases and merch. Even if the group is disbanded, it is a good thing to signal that there is still demand for them. Also, if you ask me, nothing feels better than to own physical merch/releases. My Kalafina shrine is one of my biggest sources of happiness and pride.

[olderthannetfic]

This might be an odd or personal question, but could I ask how you started knitting and where you started as a beginner? Or what would you recommend? I’ve tried to join clubs and groups irl, but there’s so much drama and gossiping. When I said I didn’t want to take part in that aspect, they started ostracizing and gossiping about me. Any websites, yt channels or books you’d recommend for a beginner?

--

Haha.

My friend, this does not even register on the scale of deeply personal or odd questions people have sent me.

I've been trying to remember exactly how I started and why (like, even before this ask). I think it was on a family vacation to Scotland the summer before I started college. That would have been in 1999.

I taught myself from one of those awful 90s pamphlets with the line drawings. They're a nightmare compared to being able to see someone do the motions in person or even in a video. I had some awful plastic needles and no guidance on yarn and just knit with what I found at some shop there. Do not recommend!

I achieved what I wanted during college, which was to make a nice cable-knit sweater that I still wear, and then I got frustrated with crappy acrylic yarn and drifted away from knitting until a year or so ago.

The fact is, I basically didn't do beginner projects. I moved straight from making one rectangle to making grandiose sweaters or whatever else struck my fancy. (But if you want to know, I was using Viking Patterns for Knitting and a bunch of Alice Starmore books, all of which you can still buy.) I know plenty of people who did it this way, but you certainly don't have to.

And you definitely don't need to learn from a terrible 90s printed pamphlet!

Luckily, nowadays, you can find a tutorial on just about anything on Youtube. I enjoy watching the technical and historical types discuss quirks of knitting you might not think of without years of practice or research.

Roxanne Richardson is great, for example.

Look for somebody old, not wearing a lot of makeup, and not talking about their indie dyeing/yarn business and you'll avoid most of the clowns who learned to knit five minutes ago and now want to be knitfluencers.

When I want a super simple technique tutorial, I usually end up looking at either Nimble Needles or VeryPink Knits. I find her super annoying, but her tutorials are spot-on. Norman's voice is much more soothing and I just enjoy his presence more, but both of them have good ultra close-up shots of what they're doing (which lots of vloggers don't because it requires special equipment).

I'd just figure out what kind of finished products you want to use knitting for and then find patterns and tutorials geared towards those.

Cables are relatively easy. Stranded colorwork requires a fair amount of physical coordination and some people find it rather difficult at first.

Circular needles are far more popular than traditional straight ones for people starting today.

Cotton yarn is relatively less nice to knit with than wool for most people, but it tends to be the natural fiber available at a low price point from major retailers.

Picking up general tips like that by watching various youtubers will help you pick a project that won't be too painful to work on.

People who naturally knit loosely should consider grippy bamboo or wooden needles. People who naturally knit tightly should consider slippery metal ones.

My biggest piece of advice is that you're usually better off with something "hard" that you actually like rather than a "practice" project you don't care about, at least after you've made like one rectangle to practice doing a knit stitch at all.

--

Finding community can be hard, and yes, some crafting hobbies are infested with drama.

But if you just want to know how to knit, you're way better off with some video tutorials and a nice pattern you like.

[patibato]

[Bitter Sweet Sixteen] 002-A15 - Nearly Space Monkeys

Kiroku: …

… …Sigh.

*bwing*

Dewawa: Oi, Kiroku?

What've you been doin' all this time? You just starin' stupefied at the blank lantern with a depressing face?

An hour's already passed with nothin' done, yeah? You think you've got time? Get to drawing.

Kiroku: …Dewawa.

Rouzel: Hé, toi! Taisez-vous!*

This is when we must amass our forces for the sake of Kiroku producing magnifique art!

You must cease bewildering him with unnecessary mots!

KB: It is a simple task to stay silent and watch over him intently. However, the crease between his eyebrows cannot be overlooked.

Kiroku, are you still worried?

Kiroku: … …

Dewawa: Huh? You ignorin' us? Even though we're takin' the effort to give ya advice?

Rouzel: Non! Pressuring him is non merci! Kiroku has his own rhythme!

KB: If you wish to hold your tongue, I do not mind.

Having said that, to venture a guess, idly passing the time like this must not be a desirable state of affairs for Kiroku either-

Kiroku: …Sigh. It's like KB says.

… …

*knock knock*

Kiroku: …Yes.

*door opens*

Gannosuke: Pardon me! How is your work coming along? I brought a bento for lunch, but-

…It appears you've still not made any progress whatsoever.

Kiroku: … …Yes.

Gannosuke: And yet, that expression. It looked adequately pained.

Kiroku: …

Gannosuke: As I partake in the arts myself, I understand. The pain of creation certainly exists.

I want to style eyelashes that are groundbreaking and fresh, yet soothing to the hearts of those who see them. Even with that spirit-

No matter how much I think, my hand just won't move. Ideas don't come, leaving me at a loss… there are many such days.

Kiroku: …

Gannosuke: However, you must not stop fretting and thinking! Without pain, you will not be able to create wonderful art!

…Do your best. I'll excuse myself now.

Kiroku: …Thank… yo……

*door closes*

*bwing*

Pinfu: Owah~! Look at this bento~! Deeelish~! Packed full of soy products~! Hurry and eat it~!

Kiroku: …

KB: It truly is a high-class bento, worthy of being called a treasure chest of local specialties. However, do not touch it yet.

Pinfu: Ueeh~… no way are you making us wait~…

Dewawa: Anyway, is there anything worth worryin' about at this point? Can'tcha just draw as you like as always?

Rouzel: It's not something so facile!

Hier! Monsieur Akuta said he had high hopes!

Pinfu: Gyaha! Pressure~ the worst of the worst~

KB: Indeed. And these lanterns are for the real deal.

Pinfu: It's analogue~ which means~ mistakes can't be redone~

Dewawa: Like human relations?

Kiroku: …Right.

…Human relations… can't be, redone…

Rouzel: Kiroku wants to show a merveilleux piece to Monsieur Akuta, who was so interested in his images!

Kiroku: …But, my tastes, are… weird.

……I like stuff that's…… different, to regular people.

KB: He's looking forward now, but sooner or later, laying bare your own ideas and tastes will-

Dewawa: So you don't want Akuta to deny you?

Kiroku: …

Dewawa: The hell's with that! Laaame! Pushover!

Rouzel: As for moi, I comprendre Kiroku's feelings!

KB: Truthfully, everyone wishes to be liked by people. …That's how it is.

Pinfu: I'm hungry~ Can we eat already~? We should~

Kiroku: …

Sigh…

Gannosuke: …Oh my, it's pitch black. I suppose Kinugawa-kun will have gone back…

Kiroku: …

Gannosuke: NUOOOOOGH! Y-you surprised me…! What were you doing without even turning on the lights…!?

Kiroku: ……

Gannosuke: Could it be you've stayed there without even the slightest movement all this time? Though you appear to have eaten your bento…

Kiroku: …Yes.

Gannosuke: Pushing through too much can be counterproductive… is what I'd like to say here, but. The reality is that we're short on time before the Summer Festival.

Kiroku: …I.

…I'll stay… overnight…

Gannosuke: That's no problem. Are you able to prepare your own meals?

Kiroku: …Yes.

Gannosuke: That's good. Please do your best. I've got high hopes.

*door closes*

Kiroku: …

*bwing*

Ripris: High hopes~… he says. Sen…pai…zzz.

Kiroku: ……

Ripris: You feel… happy, but… it's late at night… Aren't you gonna… fall asleep today… already?

You can just… put in the effort tomorrow, it's fine… Do the bare minimum and… it'll be over in a couple hours…

Kiroku: …I don't want to.

Ripris: …Why nooot…? There's no point… in trying your best…

With the blackboard at the old school building… you did your best to draw, and yet… it exploded into… tiny tiny pieces.

Kiroku: ……

Dewawa: Seriously? Even though he said could finally draw without worryin' about anyone looking?

Even though he went all the way to the old school building to draw, since he'd stop everything if he was seen~?

Actually, if people found out he likes this kind of art, they might say the same stuff as back then, yeah?

Pinfu: Gyahahaha! Gonna say cru~el things again~!

Kiroku: …

KB: Is this about when he ended up wounding the heart of his one and only precious friend?

The matter that even now continues to simmer within Kiroku's chest - and remains unresolved.

Rouzel: Tout le monde! Stop digging up Kiroku's traumatisme!

It certainly is true that his meilleur ami said his belle image is disgusting!

Cependant! That was tit-for-tat! Simply said in the heat of the moment!

Pinfu: To begin with~ it's Kiroku's fault~ for saying something insensitive to someone sad about transferring schools~

Kiroku: …

Ripris: But but… saying "disgusting" in response… is terrible… zzz.

Even though it was… something he made for them. …Well, not like it matters either… way…

KB: Kiroku hurt them first. It's a case of reaping what he sowed. Kiroku understands that too.

Kiroku: …Yeah.

…I can't… express myself to others with words… to humans…

……Words, are… scary.

Dewawa: Aren't you just a coward?

Kiroku: ……

Sigh…

Momiji: Kiroku-kun, are you alright?

Kiroku: !?

Pinfu: Ararara~ Has someone caught us talking~?

KB: How will you shrug this off? Kiroku.

Dewawa: Sure is a sight, huh?

Momiji: Uum, those finger puppets…

Kiroku: Th-these are… finger guards, for… my work.

Momiji: I see. They're rather cute ones, aren't they? …By the way, aren't you hungry?

Gannosuke-san messaged me saying you probably weren't going to eat dinner with the state you were in…

Kiroku: …

Momiji: I made onigiri and miso soup, so eat up if you want.

Kiroku: ……

Momiji: And then - once you've eaten, would you come out for a bit?

Kiroku: …Where.

Momiji: The Yokai Art Museum!

Momiji: How interesting. An art museum built in a maze of complicated alleyways…

Kiroku: ……There are… four buildings…?

Momiji: Right! It's all split into four buildings.

Back when pirates were still around, the roads were apparently constructed like this on purpose to protect the town, but now they've used the old buildings that remain to make the art gallery.

Kiroku: …

Momiji: (His eyes are sparkling… I'm glad I brought him along… It'd be nice if this change of pace became a source of inspiration.)

I'm sure you want to take your time to absorb it by yourself. We'll decide on a meeting place, and then you can do as you please!

Kiroku: …Yeah.

Kiroku: ……

(…They're all really interesting. I can't get bored. I want to see even more…)

…?

Portrait Corner Signboard: "Turn the Yokai Dwelling within your Heart into a Portrait"

Kiroku: …The yokai… dwelling in…… my heart.

(I've found a hint… I think.)

Staff: Hello there! Would you like one?

Kiroku: -…!

*footsteps*

Kiroku: (…That, surprised me.)

(I should've, at least responded.)

(…? Something's moving on my back. My… backpack?)

(Maybe it's the egg.)

Ah…

*cracking*

Kiroku: …Huh…?

*Rouzel speaks in English a lot, the effect of which obviously doesn't translate well, so it's been supplemented with French (disclaimer: I do not speak French)

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Masterlist

[adore-gregor]

Seeing your posts really motivates me to try taking up tennis 😊😊 But the truth is, it's a bit intimidating for me. I have no idea where I'm supposed to start. I'm also not a very athletic person either :( And I don't know if I can afford private "lessons" with a tennis coach. Can you tell me about your own experience with taking up tennis? And some basic first things to know? Like do i have to sign up for a club? How do i find one? Do i need to buy my own equipment and such?

This makes me so happy to hear! 😁😊

I get that, but i feel like trying sth. for the first time is intimidating for everyone. :)

Well I don't think that's a problem when you just start playing tennis as a beginner. At first the bigger challenge will be to be able to hit the ball accross the net with some control a couple of times, rather than your endurance. Rallies won't last long and with most beginners their shots are still slow, therefore it won't be that taxing. :) I'd say by improving your tennis skills and simply playing so will your fitness level. But you could also go running or do something on the side like biking to help with that if you want to.

Also let me tell you I even have some teammates who are not that athletic who play in the league so it's really not that much of a problem. In tennis it's a lot about how well you can move the ball to make your opponent run more, so if you have the skill you often can get away with it. Of course it's more difficult against someone very athletic and fast but for the start definitely not an issue and definetly not if you just play for fun. 🙈

A private coach is very recommendable but not necessarily a must. You could also ask some higher level tennis players who play for a club/compete, if you know any, if they could teach you for free as they usually have good technique and hopefully are also alright at teaching.

I would also be happy to help with that but i'm just assuming you probably live somewhere far away so.😅 I mean it's definetly helpful to get the technique right from the beginning but you also learn from playing or instruction videos can be helpful too ig.

My experience:

I started playing when I was 14 years old, with coaching lessons right away. I got into the sport as a friend of mine played and at first we always used to play in the garden without a net 😆 and yeah i found it fun so I gave it a go. I joined the club in my town (the only one) as there was no other and no free option. About two year after I was invited in the women's team as they thought I was somewhat talented ig and by now I have been playing tennis for almost 10 years and i'm competing for my club.

And yeah my parents payed for my lessons as I was still very young back then. That my mom also picked up tennis shortly after certainly helped with her supporting my love for the sport. She is actually good at tennis herself and also plays for the team, she also always gets quite a few points of me, which many of my other teammates can't. My dad also played tennis.😄

But yeah I finance my private lessons partly with my own money from summer jobs and my parents support. The coach I regulary play with charges 20€ an hour and another coach who trained us as a team 40€. The 2nd one is like a really well known and highly valued one in my area and trained with some atp players when he was younger, so like a really good player but didn't quite cut it to become pro. So yeah it isn't cheap.

But what I would advice take group lessons, it's much more affordable as the price is split. So I would recommend this to save money.😊

I usually have team training once a week for the most part of the year and I used to take individual lessons once a week on top of that. But not right now because i'm busy.

Regarding clubs: it's helpful to meet people to play with because it can be difficult to find someone. Also it's much cheaper to pay a yearly fee for a club if you pay regulary than pay extra each time. But if you live in a city there might be free courts, idk this is at least the case where i live and maybe also some networks for tennis players to connect, i think there are apps for that. You can find clubs on the internet.

Equipment: you can rent but again buying is cheaper in the long term. But ofc if you know someone you could also borrow equipment. With rackets I would recommend buying them somewhere you can first try them and with knowledgable consultants. So they can recommend you the right racket because tbh i don't even know see through all the technical aspects of a tennis racket.😅 It's the most expensive piece of equipment and it would suck to get it wrong, some rackets could even lead to overuse pain if they're too heavy for example.

Just some general advice:

Most important is to enjoy playing.^^

I would recommend you to also play matches early on, just for fun. It helps you improve a lot and get used to the nerves of competing. (if you ever want to try that) I wish I had done it way sooner.😅

You will loose a lot at first, I also did but don't let it discourage you. 😇 Tennis is a sport where differences in skill are very clearly visible. Focus more on the improvements you can see in yourself. Results will catch up at some point.

Hope this is helpful and feel free to ask if you have any more questions 🤗🤗 and i hope I didn't discourage you in any way because tennis is a beautiful sport 😉

[backchattingdancer]

Hello, and Merry Christmas! I'm Pearl, your Secret Rocker Santa :D This has been really fun, and I enjoyed chatting with you! A lot of the music you recommended was really good, and I promise I'm still working through the rest haha

I'm glad to hear your recital went well, that's awesome! I love that song too, I played it over the summer along with some other Mendelssohn. He's one of my favorite classical composers! If you liked Venetian Gondola Song, I'd look into his Song Without Words: Consolation, it's one of my all-time favorites! I've been playing piano for about 7-8 years, it's definitely one of my strongest passions :) I have a side blog where I post videos of me playing if you want to check it out: @pearl-plays-piano ! Besides that, I play a little ukulele and have been taking voice lessons for around 9-10 years. I wish you luck in your competition!

I'm getting it cut pretty short, kind of around ear length with these kinda swoopy bangs that kinda fade into the back from the front...if that makes any sense haha It's kinda hard to style at the moment, but I'm starting to get the hand of it haha I try to go for a 'feathered' look, but sometimes it just kinda hangs there and I can't get it to do anything...let me know if you have any advice!

I hope you have a happy Christmas! Let me know what you got, and if you ended up getting the flower book you wanted! :D

~ Pearl :D ✨

Hi @pearls-place!! It's so lovely to finally know who you are :D I've really enjoyed talking with you as well!

Yes, I am going to be working on those! My teacher gave me a Songs Without Words book, and now that I've finished with this one I'm going to be working on Venetian Gondola Song #2 :) That is certainly a long time- I'll be sure to check out some of your work!

That does sound like a lovely style- I'm sure you look wonderful. I can't really say anything about it now since I don't know some rather important things like your hair type 😅 But my advice for now would just be to experiment a lot with different styling routines and figure out what works best for you.

Happy Christmas to you as well, I want to hear what you got! :) I got some clothes and a small makeup palette from my mum, and my sibling got me a couple packs of gummies (I absolutely love gummies)- they're so wonderful, they also got me this perfume I've been wanting! It's supposed to be orange scented but it really just smells like citrus gummies, which is honestly even better. I know they ordered the book, but it sadly hasn't arrived yet. I hope it will soon!

It's been so lovely getting to know you this past month- I hope you have an amazing Christmas, and my best wishes to you for the new year!

[oonajaeadira]

So here's the deal, you are by far the friendliest blog I have interacted with so I'm gonna ask you for some advice. Only if you're up to it of course! I have this guy I worked with for two summers, he had a girlfriend when I knew him (not sure if he still does) he has not spoken to me since August and now he wants to hang out, I am terrified that he means as a date and I do not want that at all. Any ideas on how to say no thanks without being the bitch?? Again you are not obligated to advise me just thought I'd ask!

You think I'm friendly? You need to meet some of my moots. There are so many friendlies around here....

Dang it I'm so sorry, this got long. I'm a chatty ass.

Well my first question is, are you amenable to hanging out with him if it isn't a date? If so, you could just say, "Sure, it would be nice to have some friend time." That could very kindly be your roadsign for him.

If he isn't going to make your life difficult, you could always ask him what he wants. Sometimes the very simplest honesty is best and gets the point across in a way that shuts down follow-up asks. Although, if he is pushy and says that he would like to date you, it's really best if you just give him a plain no, coupled with a sincere compliment. A little sugar for the medicine. "I think you're a an amazing artist/fun to be around/good person, but I don't think we should date." Any further pushing and you can gently ask him why he would continue to pursue someone who has told him kindly that they are not interested? That certainly isn't in his best interest.

I know it feels awkward to straight up ask. You don't want him to make fun of you for assuming if you're wrong, and you don't want him to feel bad about it if you aren't. But you will run into less hurt / cause less hurt in the long run and prevent things dragging on if all parties communicate and are on the same page from the very beginning. (This goes for all relationships--friends, lovers, coworkers, even with your grocery bagger. It really takes practice, but I assure you, after a while it gets easier and makes your life so much less stressful.)

And if you're afraid that it might make things weird between you, hang a bell on it. That is, call out the obvious. "I'm sorry, friend, this is a really awkward question, but are you asking to hang out as friends or as a date? Because..." And follow it up with your "because." If you just leave it hanging on "are you" then he is the one trying to determine what you want to hear. You are putting him in the vulnerable position and if it's a date and you turn him down, then you just set him up to shoot him down. But add that "because" clause, take the vulnerability onto yourself, intone that it's making you feel a little vulnerable to ask the question, and tell him why you need to ask it. "Because I'm not looking to date anyone," "Because I don't think I want that," "Because I would rather remain friends." Whatever your reason. It takes the pressure off him and makes things less awkward in the long run, it gets to the point up front so things don't drag out.

If you don't want to hang out in either capacity, you probably should just say no. But I understand if you feel that's too forward. There is a softer out, you can just say "Possibly; let me think about it." If he asks what that means, you say it again. "It means we can possibly hang out, but I'd like to think about it." (What you're doing here is telling him there's a boundary that he's come too close to. You're allowed to have personal boundaries, and if you need someone's permission, I'm giving it to you.) If he pushes, then he's being rude and you have an excuse not to take him up on hangouts. But if he lets it drop, yahtzee. You don't have to answer right now. And it's also the kind of answer that may make him think. If you didn't say yes right away, maybe you don't wanna hang out with him, and maybe he won't ask again. After all, how would you view someone who said "possibly, let me think about it" when you asked them to hang out? As a human being living in our delicate human society, I would feel like that person doesn't want me around enough and either isn't worth my time or I'm not worth theirs...or I'd try not to be so sensitive and realize that I've overstepped their boundaries and should back off and let them make the next move.

Will that cause him to think you're a bitch? Maybe. It depends if he makes it about him or about you. Is there a 100% proof way to get out of spending time with this person when you don't want to and not be thought of negatively? No. But. You have to remember that you really have no control over what other people think of you. No matter what you do, people will form their own opinion. That's not for you to control. Yes, of course you want the people you love to want to spend time with you and think highly of you. so you do your best to treat them in a way that will make them think that way. But here you have a person you may not really want to spend time on. You could turn him down in the most gentle way possible without a stitch of cruelty and he could think you're the biggest bitch in the world just because he didn't get what he wanted. That might happen. You are not responsible for his happiness or his opinion of you. There are plenty of other people in the world who hold high opinions of you. The alternative is that you don't turn him down, you suffer through hanging out with him....why? So that he thinks you're nice? (Which he still might not because you can't control his thoughts?) And then when you finally can't stand it anymore and snap and ghost him, then he REALLY thinks you're a bitch?

If he's a mature human being he may be hurt at first, but he will remember you later as the person who was honest to him up front and did not string him along just to be nice. And THAT is admirable.

But go forward remembering this:

You're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.

You will never be able to control the thoughts of others, so the faster you can give up worrying about what someone thinks of you, the happier you will be; just worry about being the person YOU want to think highly of.

And if you want to be compassionate, always give answers that are a combo of truth and kindness.

I hope that helps, love. <3

[spotofimagines]

Rivals Last ~ Jadon Sancho

A/N: So I had this in my drafts before he signed with man united but that's fine, we move, we adapt. A third piece for the @footballffbarbiex summer challenge. Hope you enjoy it :)

Warnings: none - reader is female

Summary: You love both your brothers dearly, but being in the football world with them can make some things a little complicated.

gif by @archivesbvb - gif by @ermuellert - gif by @italynt

Being a footballer meant living in a special world. Being in a footballing family meant living in a special world too. Being the younger sister of Lucas and Theo Hernandez meant living in a really special world. But nobody told you just how crazy it would be for all three of those things to apply to you.

You truly love watching your older brothers play football. They teach you something new during every match you see; even though you play as a striker, their movements and handling of the ball always inspire you to play better. After all, it was their defensive skills that helped you become a good goal scorer growing up since they never let a tackle go unchallenged in the park and you had to find out how to manoeuvre around them. A lot easier said than done.

Currently Lucas is signed with Bayern Munich. In his time there so far, he has learnt the heritage, history, and importance of wearing the badge and defending its honour in every match they play, especially derbies. Having supported Lucas, it quickly became easy for you to support Bayern Munich too and celebrate their victories like it was your own team. You'd always managed to do it with the clubs both your brothers played for, letting the atmosphere of the fanbase carry you away.

You have just finished your second season in England with Manchester City women's team. You'd settled in nicely now, having learnt a lot of the English language and culture already. The experience was made so much easier because of the help given by your welcoming teammates and the staff that translated things into French and Spanish during your first months there.

Fans were a little disappointed during the 2019 summer transfer window when it was confirmed all three Hernandez siblings would be leaving Spain to play separately in England, Germany and Italy, joking that no one could know what might happen with you all so far away. However, to you, it made things easier, as Lucas and Theo would stop making so many awful jokes about each other's clubs, only to join forces to diss your club even more afterward. Now the only connection you have to the clubs you all play for is the want for your sibling to win with them. And it is a great feeling. A welcome change of pace.

But no new change to your life felt as good as your blossoming "relationship", situationship, whatevership, you have with Jadon Sancho.

It all started with you flirting back and forth on social media, which turned itself into countless hours of DMs no one else could see. You congratulated his goals and he congratulated your wins. All the light-hearted teasing and the warm-hearted compliments stayed in your own little bubble. The only thing peeking out was your silly inside rule that if you were going to comment on a post, it had to be emojis only, stretching to a few words if you really couldn't help yourself - but it would earn you taunts from the other for the rest of the night.

Some eagle-eyed fans noticed how you'd been liking each other's posts every time they appeared for a while now, but it just added to the fun and thrill you got from flirting with him so much.

You weren't meant to be forming a bond with Jadon. He played for your brother’s rival. He was supposed to be the enemy. Someone you should dislike with a snap of your fingers. Certainly not a boy to fall for like you have.

You couldn't help yourself. Lucas and Theo had helped you since you moved to England by being the steady rocks they always were, cheering you on from afar. Your new teammates had helped you since you moved to England by introducing fun things for you all to do together and taking you under their wings. But Jadon had helped you in a different kind of way. He gave you a new kind of comfort and reassurance when you talked. He became someone to turn to with all your interesting news and your curious problems. He told you the good places to visit around the city that he remembered from his time there and taught you English slang to make your teammates laugh. You spoke three languages to varying degrees now, and you'd managed to pick up more German vicariously through Lucas in two years faster than Jadon had done living in Germany in four years, so you'd clue him into rude German phrases you had asked Lucas about, alongside the French and Spanish swear words he used more often than English ones now when you text. 

Even though a language barrier comes up once in a while, you have both learnt behaviours from each other and crave the contact you share. Jadon was starting to drop everything to send replies to you, a change his teammates have noticed and jokingly mock him for. Little did they know the unknown girl they joke he is smitten over is the sister of their rival.

Theo is the one in your family you usually tell about the boys you go out with; boyfriends and dates have been shared with him since you were 13 and doting on your first crush. He does the same with his girlfriends; asking advice and telling you more than you need to know at times. So, when you all went home for a bit of family time around Christmas, nothing could stop him from noticing the tell-tale signs that you had something going on. He already figured out through persistence that it was another player you were getting involved with, and his insistent questioning hasn't stopped in his search for who the player is.

But you keep it hidden from Lucas, and you don't know when you'll tell him. He has been your protector since you were kids, comforting you on sad nights when no one else was there, teaching you little secrets about how to navigate through the world, he even punched a boy who teased you once at school. The idea of telling him you were chatting romantically to another player would be trouble enough, but telling him it was a Dortmund player might just end up in another schoolground incident. You hadn't wanted Theo to know for fear he'd go dishing your dirt to Lucas, but he discovered it on his own and there was nothing you could do.

Who knows what might become of this thing you have with Jadon, and lord knows your eldest brother owns a hard as nails death stare that just might do Jadon in, but for now you actually quite like having the secret. A little mystery tucked away up your sleeve.

The rush you always get when Lucas calls your phone as you're typing a text to the Englishman,  feeling as though the first words from the other end will be shouts of how he knows everything and he'll never speak to you again for keeping it a secret, fills you with dread at times. But it never is the reason he calls, and it turns out he is just making plans or has something funny to tell you. But the way your heart thumps as you go back to texting Jadon, that is part of the chase you have to admit you enjoy.

Hardcore fans online have noticed the past few months that when you do interviews in English, the odd slang term comes up during jokes - terms you hadn't used before and stem more from London boroughs than northen towns - so speculation of how you'd learnt these things easily coincided with dating rumors.

Lucas had seen the speculation online; seen fans trying to put your interactions with the Dortmund player together through both your instagram stories and comments and the tweets you both had liked about the other. Lucas had even grown suspicious of the little questions you asked him about Germany, German phrases and his lifestyle there, not knowing why you would need nor want to know those things. But Lucas doesn't believe it. He knows that you know better to mix with a Dortmund boy.

Sometimes an older brother just doesn't get it quite right…

Soon, the chance will come to really see if your connection is something you can build on. Jadon's new signing with Manchester United has been confirmed and he will be moving back to England. It is a great opportunity to get to see him more often, rather than the odd rendezvous point or clandestine trip during small breaks in the season. You'll spend more time face to face instead of over the phone. You'll get to wake up in his bed and him in yours, without needing to sneak away from hotel rooms afterwards. You'll maybe even get to go on a proper date, just the two of you, where you can flirt across the table your joined hands rest upon. Hanging out with Jadon won't be the first time you've spent time together in person. However, getting a full day with only the two of you where you won't have to pretend you hardly know who he is, and you won't have to pretend your eyes aren't meeting across the group of people you're in - it fills your stomach with knots and butterflies.

A certain pressure has fallen off you now Jadon has no growing rivalry with Lucas, but not completely. You won't be able to take back the way their teams made the other feel in the past, but the fact there won't be more of it next season comforts you a little. The biggest thing that will hold you back from going public before the new season starts will be the media, but that is an issue you can't even begin to worry about yet. You are too caught up in the excitement of being in the same town as Jadon to care. Rumours are spinning crazier than ever about you two as some of your liked tweets about his move got reposted by sports pages and fan blogs - now joking about him being your rival instead of your brother's - and yet it didn't stop you, no longer all that bothered about keeping a low profile now you both will be living away from Lucas. If he gets mad, all he will be able to do is shout down the phone, and whilst you never want that to happen, you know the time to flourish with Jadon and capitalise on the foundation you have already built is better than ever, brothers be damned.

There are big changes coming for the both of you, yet one thing will remain the same no matter the outcome of your relationship. You can't quite stop being football rivals.

[thecookieraakshas]

hey this is weird but im also a biotech major (btech) and im in my 3rd year and my ass doesnt have any idea how and when to do internships any advice

HI!

So I'm finishing a 3 year BSc Hons degree and I recently got an internship for my bachelor's thesis. So I can tell you what I have experienced myself and what I have gleaned from my seniors and faculty.

There is no bad time to do an internship. I honestly wish I could have done atleast one more but certain global pandemics that must not be named meant that I couldn't do any for the bulk of my college life. But internships are all about your own skills, time management and interests. You can find part time ones during week days or full times ones during the summer break.

The harsh truth I have noticed is that getting research internships at prominent institutes is really difficult without knowing someone or having some kind of contact to get face time with your preferred researcher. HOWEVER, you should still try to contact these professors and researchers anyways. So you can do that by:

Going through the institutes website and look at their departments, faculty, professors, research groups and recent papers. Focus on identifying what exactly matches your own interests.

Prepare a CV - look through examples online. Put your information across in formal language and proofread over and over again. If you feel like your CV is lacking, sign up a course or two on Coursera, EdX or NPTEL. (Pro tip - You can just audit the course instead of paying for the certificate in Courser and EdX. The course page will have a free track or an audit option). Put almost everything in your CV in a detailed but concise manner. Try to Google "how to put ____ in a CV". Limit the size to two pages MAX.

Identify specific researchers you want to work with and familiarize yourself with their work (you don't have to go too in depth but just get an overview). Prepare a cover letter for each researcher you are interested in. And make sure to express your interest in their work and why exactly you are interested in the topic.

Send your cover letter and CV to their email id. Sit tight and hope. You can remind them of your application maybe a couple of weeks later if you don't get a reply.

You will be rejected by most of them. It's alright. It's almost certainly not personal. Try again with the next researcher.

A lot of institutions, companies and other organizations also generally have specific slots open for interns especially during the summer. So, you can find out if your university or one of your teachers can help you sign up for these or notify you when the applications are open.

NGOs are an excellent place to gain experience and contribute to society while also building up your merits and your CV. And NGOs are always looking for volunteers and interns. So, you can try to narrow your selection down to the kind of work you are interested in and apply to their HR department or even go in person of that is possible. Some NGOs also take in interns from different states to work from home with online resources. So you can look into that too.

I'm including some links to resources about making CVs and drafting cover letters:

Basics of building a CV:

Basics of cover letter drafting:

Yeah that's about how much I know right now. This is by no means an exhaustive guide. So try to reach out to a teacher you like for further guidance. You can even send them your CV and cover letter drafts so they can help you hammer out any and all kinks.

All the best!!

[theyarebothgunshot]

Rose, I'm sending you this ask because you seem to be a very kind & grounded person and I don't know where to put this feeling, but my best friend of fourteen years has ghosted me this summer and I feel adrift. Just profoundly sad without being able to explain to most people why without sounding like a whiny loser. This friendship has sustained me for so many years when I felt alone in the world, they were literally my emergency contact and #1 champion and my platonic endgame 'side by side rocking chairs when we're eighty' friend.... And now they've just seemingly ripped me out of their life without explanation or reason. This spring & summer has been one of the darkest and most perilous of my life (for m.h. reasons) and she just-- vanished in the midst of it. I'm far away from home and her right now so it's easy for her to do that, and after repeated attempts to contact her and make sure she's okay because this is entirely unlike her, I got a "i'm just busy 😘" text from her a month ago, then nothing. And this is not a "friends since we were kids and just grew up into different people" kind of thing, which I certainly experienced when I was younger. But an adult friendship built over 14 years of shared blood sweat and tears and it's just... gone. I've never felt so alone in my life.

Sorry, I know you're not an advice blog & there's nothing you personally can do! So I hope you don't mind this public ask. It just helps to be able to share this with someone who I know has a kind heart and might be able to empathize. I've been a quality-over-quantity person with my friends as I've gotten older and that suddenly has not paid off. I love the community you've created here of our fellow spn/cockles perceivers, and I'm a fandom nobody with few followers/friends so maybe some of that communal warmth might help me now. - 💔

first of all, i am really sorry you are feeling so sad and upset about this, although it is perfectly understandable. you can always message me if you need a listening ear <3 on or off anon, whatever you want.

i'm sorry that your friend is behaving like this. ghosting is really immature, especially when you've known each other for so long. a part of me hopes that she really IS just busy and will make time for you soon, but even if that is the case it is kind of shitty that she hasn't been there for you during a period of time where you have been struggling with mental health issues.

i am also someone who doesn't have a lot of friends but who values those i do have, very very much. so i can sort of imagine how you must feel right now, and it sucks. i hope that you can at least confront her at some point in the future and straight up ask her to be honest since that's the least she can do. but seeing how she has responded to you a month ago, there is a good chance she wouldn't tell you, and that is also something to keep in mind.

if this doesn't change, just know that you are worth so much more than this and yes it is terrible to lose a friend when you have known them for so long, but in the long run, you are better off without people who treat you badly. even if it hurts.

i am giving you a big hug <333 hope that it helps even a little bit.

[loulougoingsolo]

DIYing a Bold Hair Choice

So, as we all know, we live in troubling times. I've personally been living in quarantine-like arrangements for about a month now, and although I've been mostly doing alright, some things have proven to be hard. I was supposed to have my hair professionally cut and dyed this week, but I had to cancel the appointment, and at the moment, I don't know when I'll get to visit the salon for the next time. So, I had to take matters (or scissors) to my own hands.

I'm a DIYer, but I've never cut my own hair. I've also had it professionally dyed since I was 15 or so. For a short period, I only had it bleached and cut by a pro, but then dyed it myself with a pretty intense cool shade of red - but other than that, and a few toner touch ups, I've always relied on professionals. So I was in a bit of a pickle, when I realized that I'd have to either DIY or have my grey roots grow wild for months. And because my hair is short, the roots way too grey for my age, and I had all this time ln my hands, there was really only one way this could go.

When I go about a DIY project, my first step, always, is thorough research. I had an idea for what I'd attempt to achieve, so I went on Youtube and searched for diy haircuts. I got some good tutorials, but most of them were for long hair - and I also got suggested GMM episode #989, in which Rhett and Link battle in cutting their own hair (wigs). Can I just say, they predicted the Tiger King craze long before Netflix:

So, I immediately figured I would not be able to follow yhe hair styling tutorials of this GMM episode. First of all, I could only find one pair of scissors even remotely sharp enough to cut hair. They were not sharp enough. Secondly, the longest part of my hair barely reaches my chin. I would need to really commit to every snip I make, or I'd end up with a bald hair style, instead of bold. As attractive and gorgeous some people are with a fully shaved head, with my head shape, that was something to avoid at all costs.

Another thing I was worried about was that I'd probably end up cutting my own finger, like Link. I've always found it extra difficult to see my own reflection in a mirror and try to do accurate motions according to the reflection. Simply put, my brain gets confused. Also, I don't really have a way to see the back of my head through the mirror at all. How the crap am I supposed to cut anything?

At this point, I understood that the actual haircut was going to be the tough part, so I decided to focus on the dye. Since I cojldn't just go to a big supermarket to buy the equipment, I had to order the dyes online. At this point my plan was simply to buy a multitude of wild colours to mix and match according to my mood, so I ordered a tub of Midnight Blue, Daffodil Yellow, Flamingo Pink and Cerise dyes, all by the brand La Riche Directions. These dyes are semi-permanent, sonI knew they wouldn't cause permanent damage to my hair, and at this point, that was kind of my goal - whatever I do, I don'g want to ruin things too badly. But, because I'm familiar with semi-permanent dyes, and I've had pretty much every shade on the spectrum on my hair at one point, I knew I might require an extra step to see results. Which is why, "just in case", I added a hair lightening kit to my order. I figured, I'd make some lighter strands on top, to have some colours show properly.

By the time the dyes arrived, I was already pretty fed up with my grey roots. I watched the GMMore which followed the hair cut episode. Rhett, who won the haircut challenge, got to decide what colours would go in Alex's hair. Alex had done the smart thing and bleached his hair professionally to be dyed in this episode, but he somehow agreed to letting Rhett and Link add the colours.

When Rhett explains everyone how he and Link used to dye eachother's hair back in the day, I realize that even though I'm technically watching a DIY hair tutorial, they aren't actually doing it themselves. It's quite different to put dye on someone else's head than your own. (Also, something I didn't notice back when I first saw this episode: Link says it would be crazy for him to have his hair dyed, but looking back, he most certainly had his hair dyed at this time.)

It was slightly alarming to see that Alex was worried about how things would go. I could hardly expect to achieve anything much better than the guys, since at least they had the studio lighting and a full team to help rhem not screw up. I had a mirror in my dark toilet, which is barely big enough to stand in.

I also forgot to buy vaselkne, which was a big mistake - although I don't think it's even possible to buy a container that big here. Why would they have that at Mythical in the first place? But something about seeing how much trouble the guys were having controlling the unmixed streaks of dye and all that vaseline made me worried.

At this point, I need to tell you that seeing the blank canvas which was Alex's hair, I, now the proud owner of a 40 % bleack kit (which apparently is the strong stuff), decided I was not going to waste energy by trying to dye my hair without bleaching, only to find out that the colours didn't show. So, I mixed the bleach, put on a worn-out t-shirt, used hand lotion to vas up my forehead, neck and ears, and then just went for it.

I did watch quite a few proper tutorials. They taught me, firstly, that 40% was a no-no. Secondly, never bleach something that has already been bleached, especially, if your hair has multiple colours. Forth, never start from the roots, as they get bleached faster (this ended up being the only rule I followed). And, above all, go to a professional.

So, I added the bleach to my hair. First I tried sticking to just a few strands, but then a blop of the bleach fell on the wrong spot, and I figured, why not just go full head. I did. I left the stuff on for maybe 20 minutes, and after that I got scared and rinsed it off. Then, I used a silver toner, and was left with a fascinating mix of orange, yellow and white hair - and a strand of persistent green from my previous dye. But it was blond enough for my plans.

Alex had a beautiful mix of blue, pink and purple in his hair - and that accidental splash of green - and after considering thoroughly, I decided to go for these colours, too. I mean, pink, purple and blue are my jam. Also, as much as I wanted to go full rainbow, I figured it would be an impossible task to keep the different colours from mixing, and that might result in brown, which is the colour of defeat. So, I went with midnight blue, flamingo pink and cerise, and wasn't too concerned aboit getting the colours mixed together.

This is how Alex's hair looked on the episode, before he rinsed the extra dye off:

I couldn't find any good photos of his hair after it was rinsed, but tgere was one which suggested only a faint shade of blue stuck.

And finally, here's what happened with my hair. Now, I'm not posting my face here, just the hair. Imagine a white blop with green eyes below the hair, and you'll get the idea. In the first two pictures is my hair during normal times, and just before I diyed it. It looks particularly nasty in the just before hack job pic, because it was adviced not to wash your hair before bleachkng to save the scalp - but as you can see, this was not a fun thing to see in the mirror each morning:

After I had dyed my hair, I did some snips here and there, and also, because I was able to borrow a hair clipper from my dad, some clipping - which in my books, saved the day. The haircut is pretty botched, but I actually absolutely love the colour. And the criss-cross shave despite it being pretty bad - it also looks badass in real life. The picture taken outside shows the pink colours more accurately, but the cut shows better in the other pic. There are a couple of ways I can style this later on, but I kept styling to minimum for starters, because I didn't want to cause extra damage to my hair:

So, this has been the story of how I diyed my hair during quarantine. My mom loves the whole thing (I showed it to her yesterday while taking them groceries), and although there are some spots in the back which could have more colour in them, I'm pretty satisfied. I know my hairdresser is going to weep when she sees me, but she'll get over it.

So, in conclusion: Would I do this again? Yes, but I'd definately leave the cutting and bleaching to the pros. Also, now I can't really bleach again for a while. But I'm actually thinking about taking the dyes I have to my hairdresser so she can dye my hair properly with them, in a healthier way, once all this chaos settles and it's safe again. I'd probably need a slightly darker, permanent colour to the roots, but I absolutely love these insanely bright colours. And I'm so going to try the full rainbow this summer, too.

Would I recommend this to others? Yes, but with caution. The direct semi-permanent colours are safe and won't damage the hair, but bleach does. My hair is naturally a tad too dark to show bright colours properly, so I took the risk. I was also mentally prepared to shave the whole thing off and wear my mythical hat for the summer - but I'm happy that wasn't necessary. If you aren't willing to risk damaging your hair, stick to semi-permanents.

To end this post, here's a selfie I took yesterday on my grocery store trip in full safety gear (I have a paper mask under the scarf):

Stay safe! Do things that make you happy! BYMB! 💗💗💗

[islelight]

i don't care that you're closed i want lea to give kairi a forehead kiss bitch

princess  kisses  //  @fireize //  closed

      THE  LAST  FEW  MONTHS  have  been  difficult  (  has  it  been  months ? she  really  has  no  concept  of  time  at  this  point .  it  could  be longer ,  it  could  be  shorter .  all  she  really  has  to  go  on  is  that the  seasons  seem  to  have  been  changing  every  so  often  — not  on destiny  islands  though .  no  on  the  islands  an eternal  summer  reigns   ) .  difficult  for  more  reasons  than  she  can  count  as  well .  though  perhaps  as  people  say  it  has  to  get  worse  before  it  gets  better .  she  would  most  definitely  consider  the  most  recent  days / weeks  things  getting  worse .

      IT  HASN’T  BEEN  FOR  NOTHING  however .  no  everything  has  a  purpose  in  this  world  —  even  pain .  the  only  question  is  whether  one  is  willing  to  suffer  through  such  pain  to  meet  their  own  goal ,  &  for  how  long  for  that  matter .  kairi  may  consider  herself  a  strong  person  but  even  those  with  inordinate  strength  will  fall  under  the  weight  of  their  own  pain  &  misfortune .  she  can  think  of  a  few  off  the  top  of  her  head  that  she  knows  personally .  but  that  says  nothing  about  their  own  strength  or  resilience  it  simply  says  where  the  breaking  point  was .  all  heroes  fall  eventually ,  it’s  only  a  matter  of  when  or  how  they  fall .

      SHE  CAN  ONLY  BE  GRATEFUL  that  she  hasn’t  crumpled  under  her  own  guilt  &  self  doubt  as  she’s  made  strides  to  move  on .  she  cannot  speak  for  herself  for  herself  in  the  future  however ,  for  who  knows  what  the  future  will  hold .  she  can  only  trust  in  herself  &  put  trust  in  her  friends  that  everything  will  be  okay .  

      SOMETIMES  SOME  FRIENDS  are  more  helpful  than  others .  it  sounds  cruel  to  phrase  it  in  such  a  way  but  what  she  really  means  is  sometimes  certain  friends  are  more  helpful  for  certain  occasions  &  when  she’s  feeling  a  certain  way .  like  aqua  or  riku  (  sometimes  terra  too  )  are  always  a  good  to  go  to  if  she  wants  to  talk  out  what  she’s  feeling  inside  or  something  that’s  troubling  her .  they’re  good  listeners  &  tend  to  give  good  advice  so  she’ll  usually  go  to  one  of  them .  the  twilight  town  gang  &  people  like  ventus  are  for  when  she  needs  to  lift  her  spirits  &  have  a  little  bit  of  fun  in  her  life .  they  always  know  how  to  make  a  day  fun  &  bright .  people  like  namine  are  just  to  talk  to  for  hours  or  not  talk  to  (  she  finds  namine  is  one  of  the  only  people  she  can  comfortably  share  silence  with  these  days  ) .  sora  —  he  was  everything .  everything  &  more .  her  best  friend  in  every  sense  of  the  word .  she  doubts  there  will  be  anyone  who  will  be  able  to  replace  him  &  fill  the  gaping  hole  his  absence  has  left  in  her  heart . 

      BUT  WHO  KNOWS ?  times  are  changing  &  changing  more  hurriedly  by  the  day .  every  day  she  comes  across  new  faces  &  worlds  —  so  many  things  she’d  never  dreamed  of  just  a  few  years  ago .  &  now  in  more  recent  weeks  with  her  project  with  namine  she’s  had  old  things  coming  back  to  her  as  well .

      KAIRI  WILL  ADMIT  she  was  surprised  at  first  when  namine  first  proposed  the  idea  of  helping  her  bring  her  memories  of  her  past  back .  she  didn’t  know  she  could  do  that ,  didn’t  know  anyone  could  do  that .  she  figured  she’d  just  have  to  rely  on  herself  to  regain  her  own  memories .  perhaps  she  was  a  bit  naive  in  thinking  this .  after  all  she’s  affiliated  with  some  incredibly  powerful  sorcerers  since  her  time  becoming  a  keyblade  wielder .  surely  one  of  them  would  have  some  knowledge  on  how  to  help  her .  though  it  turns  out  they  were  both  useless  in  the  end  as  neither  of  them  even  bothered  to  reach  out  &  ask  about  her  memories . 

      IT  DOESN’T  MATTER  THOUGH ,  no  what  matters  is  that  she  has  namine  here  &  now  to  help  her .  frankly  she’d  rather  have  namine  to  help  her  anyway .  she’s  a  much  more  pleasant  person  to  be  around  in  her  own  opinion  &  it  gives  kairi  an  excuse  to  spend  more  time  with  her  other  half .  

      THE  WORK  BRINGING  BACK  her  memories  is  grueling  &  almost  painful .  she  would  describe  the  sensation  as  like  staring  into  the  sun  for  a  long  period  of  time .  they  come  in  flashes  at  a  time ,  each  time  more  clearer  than  the  last .  in  time  she  begins  to  notice  recurring  faces  —  a  kind  looking  old  woman  &  a  boy  with  a  mischievous  grin .  she  assumes  the  woman  is  her  grandmother  as  she  still  had  some  memories  of  her  intact  before  meeting  with  namine .  the  boy  on  the  other  hand  is  completely  new  to  her  yet  all  the  same  he  bears  a  familiarity  that  she  can’t  quite  explain .  

      KAIRI  FINDS  HERSELF  DRAWN  to  the  boy  as  she  gains  each  new  memory .  from  what  she’s  seen  he’s  a  positive  figure  in  her  life ,  probably  part  of  her  family  judging  by  the  vibrance  of  his  red  hair .  kairi  didn’t  know  she  had  family  —  the  thought  that  she  could  have  a  brother  or  a  cousin  or  whatever  out  there  …  haunts  her  every  waking  moment .  she  has  to  find  him  if  he’s  out  there  somewhere .  &  if  he’s  not  she’ll  have  figure  out  what  happened  to  him .  she  owes  it  to  him ,  this  mystery  boy  who  looked  at  her  with  kind  eyes  &  a  goofy  grin ,  who  most  certainly  impacted  most  of  her  childhood .  but  first  she  has  to  learn  his  name .  

      IT’S  FUNNY  HOW  MEMORIES  WORK  like  that .  she’s  seen  several  scenes  of  her  spending  time  with  this  boy  &  she  still  doesn’t  know  who  or  what  he  is  to  her .  she  hopes  today  will  be  the  day  she  learns .  she’s  growing  rather  impatient .  but  she  knows  these  things  take  time .  she’s  not  the  one  actually  restoring  the  memories  so  who  is  she  to  act  like  things  are  taking  too  long .

      THOUGH  IT  SEEMS  DESPITE  her  growing  impatience  &  probably  bad  attitude  it  seems  her  prayers  have  been  answered .  though  it  comes  as  a  blessing  &  a  curse  as  when  she  hears  the  boys  name  fall  from  her  past  counterpart’s  lips  she  feels  her  heart  drop  into  the  pit  of  her  stomach .  she  doesn’t  need  to  find  him ;  he’s  been  with  her  all  this  time ,  fighting  with  her ,  laughing  with  her ,  going  to  get  ice  cream  with  her .  all  this  time  she’s  been  wondering  about  her  past  &  her  family  &  her  family  was  right  in  front  of  her .  

      SHE  BOLTS  UPWARD  in  the  chair  she  &  namine  have  been  using  as  they’ve  restoring  memories .  she  instantly  springs  upward  out  of  her  seat  &  sprints  out  the  door ,  shouting  a  hasty  excuse  &  goodbye  as  she  exits .  she  has  to  go ,  has  to  see  him  —  hopefully  namine  will  understand .  

      THE  TRIP  TO  TWILIGHT  TOWN  is  short , partially because  kairi  exceeded  the  recommended  speed  of  the  gummiship  this  time  around  (  yen - sid  will  understand ,  she’s  got  a  long  lost  brother  to  reunite  with .  she  didn’t  kill  anyone  on  the  way  here  so  that’s  what’s  important  ) .  she  hops  out  &  finds  herself  rushing  around  the  city  like  a  madman  trying  to  spot  any  sign  of  him ,  a  lock  of  flaming  red  hair  or  black  leather  boots  —  anything .  though  it’s  not  until  she  reaches  the  ice  cream  shop  (  she’s  not  surprised  in  the  slightest  that  that’s  where  she  found  him  )  that  she  spots  him .

            LEA ,  KEYBLADE  WIELDER  &  NOW   —  HER  BROTHER .

      HER  EMOTIONS  GET  A  little  bit  to  the  better  of  her  as  she  reaches  him ,  not  greeting  him  like  she  normally  would  but  instead  rushing  to  him  &  wrapping  her  arms  around  him  in  a  furious  hug .  she  can  feel  the  tears  running  down  her  face  as  she  buries  her  face  into  his  black  shirt .  she  feels  lea  go  stiff  with  shock  then  resting  a  comforting  hand  on  the  top  of  her  head  he  asks  her  in  a  voice  that  she  would  consider  a  mixture  of  protective  &  gentle  if  she’s  been  hurt  somehow .

      SHE’S  SILENT  &  MERELY  shakes  her  head  against  his  chest .  she  finds  the  words  hard  to  muster .  what  do  you  say  to  someone  who  you  until  that  moment  you  had  not  known  what  they  really  meant  to  you ?  there’s  no  instruction  guide  on  how  to  speak  to  your  long  lost  brother  you  forgot  about  for  over  ten  years .  so  she  suppose  she’ll  just  wing  it .  

      SHE  LIFTS  HER  HEAD  UP  from  his  chest ,  her  eyes  red  &  puffy  from  tears .  she  lets  go  of  his  waist  but  instead  clings  to  the  front  of  his  shirt  as  she  struggles  to  form  her  words .  finally  after  a  minute  or  so  of  silence  she  chokes  out .  ❛    did  you  know ?  —  did  you  know  you  were  my  brother ?    ❜ 

      IT’S  ALMOST  AS  IF those  very  words  stopped  time  itself  for  how  still  they  made  both  of  them  at  that  moment .  if  kairi  hadn’t  been  so  close  to  lea’s  chest  she  would  have  questioned  if  his  heart  stopped  beating .  on  the  contrary  his  heart  moves  rather  rapidly  —  just  as  hers  is .  the  moment  doesn’t  last  very  long  however  for  in  a  few  moments  she  can  hear  him  speak in  perhaps  the  most  quiet  voice  she’s  ever  heard  from  the  man . “ how  long  have  you  known ? ”

      SHE  TELLS  HIM  ABOUT  the  memory  restoration  she’s  been  doing  with  namine .  he  nods  silently  but  kairi  can  see  a  dampness  in  his  eyes  that  is  most  undoubtedly  tears .  he  begins  to  apologize  in  usual  fashion  &  she  stops  him  almost  immediately .  she  knows  he  had  a  reason  for  not  telling  her  &  she’s  not  angry .  telling  her  earlier  would’ve  probably  made  things  more  complicated  than  finding  out  this  way .  she’s  just  glad  he’s  here ,  that  he’s  alive ,  that  he’s  here  with  her .  she’s  lost  so  much  in  the  past  year  she  can  be  grateful  to  gain  something  in  this  cruel ,  cruel  world .

      LEA’S  FULL  ON  CRYING  now  &  kairi  never  actually  stopped .  together  they  make  a  pair  of  very  emotional ,  soggy  looking  siblings .  kairi  feels  her  knees  give  out  &  her  brother  (  it’s  so  strange  to  say  that  )  is  quick  to  catch  her ,  sinking  to  the  floor  as  well  as  he  wraps  her  in  a  tight ,  protective  hug .  neither  of  them  want  to  let  go ,  or  more  like  they’re  afraid  to .  they’ve  been  without  each  other  for  so  long  the  idea  of  parting  now  sounds  unbearable .  she  feels  a  slight  bit  of  pressure  on  her  head  &  realizes  he’s  pressed  a  soft  kiss  to  the  crown  of  her  head .  she’s  never  seen  such  softness  from  lea  before  —  then  again  it’s  the  first  time  lea’s  ever  really  been  her  brother .  in  return  she  rises  herself  up  a  little  &  plants  a  gentle  kiss  to  his  cheek .  she  doesn’t  recall  a  time  they’ve  ever  been  that  affectionate  with  each  other  save  perhaps  for  times  from  their  past  but  there’s  a  first  time  for  everything .

      SHE  HEARS  A  SOFT  chuckle  &  she  raises  a  brow .  lea  pulls  away  &  points  to  the  very  pink  lipgloss  mark  left  on  his  cheek .  she  feels  herself  flush  in  slight  embarrassment  but  she  laughs  too  all  the  same .  she  hopes  her  makeup  mishap  didn’t  ruin  their  moment  but  perhaps  there  will  be  other  times .  they  do  now  have  all  the  time  in  the  world  or  so  it  seems .  so  she’s  just  going  to  lean  into  her  big  brother’s  chest  &  let  the  time  pass  by .  

[patibato]

[Bitter Sweet Sixteen] 002-A22 - Go For It!

Kiroku: … …

Nanaki: Hey, Kinugawa-kun. I'm on break, so I've come to see how you're doing.

Kiroku: Ah… …

Nanaki: I heard your lantern isn't quite finished. What happened with it?

Kiroku: … …It's, up… there.

Nanaki: Aah, that one there? …Woah.

Kiroku: …

Nanaki: …

Kiroku: (…He's just looking at it without a word…)

(In the end, even from Nanamegi's perspective, the things I make are…)

Nanaki: This lantern.

Kiroku: Ga… Gannosuke-san… said! Even if…!

(Even if it's unfinished, it's fine to…)

-put… up…!

Nanaki: Gannosuke-san said it's fine to put up, even if it's unfinished?

Kiroku: (H-he got it…)

Nanaki: I see. I guess I agree with him. It'll be a waste if the rain soaks it, but—

It's amazing. It's got this unique, distinctive feeling, I'd want to put it up. I mean, you got inspired by that, right? The egg?

Kiroku: ……Huh…

Nanki: It's cute and creepy, I like it.

Kiroku: …!

Nanaki: Right, I've gotta get back to work. See you later.

Kiroku: (I got… praised… I got praised…)

(…But, no, Nanamegi's sociable, unlike Isotake. I'm sure, he was just… flattering me by acting impressed.)

(…Because in the first place, it's unfinished.)

…Whatever his true feelings… the wound is… shallow…

*rainfall*

Old Man A: Gosh darn it, this is no good. Blasted rain… started comin' down a bit.

Old Man B: Sure is. …Well, the weather radar said so, no helpin' it. Not got any of that fancy weather control equipment.

Old Man A: Would be best to announce the cancellation ahead of time. I'll get ready right away.

Nanaki: …

…Hey, Andy*.

*beep*

Andy: "Hello, Nanaki. What do you need from me?"

Nanaki: There's rain today.

Andy: "That's troubling. Have you prepared an umbrella?"

Nanaki: I don't need an umbrella, so don't order one. …I need advice. Just a little.

Andy: "Andy will answer anything you ask."

Nanaki: I wanted my new song to be listened to, but… it's raining. Why does everything always end on a bitter note?

Andy: "Perhaps because you are in love. That bitter feeling is proof of it."

Nanaki: No no no no! What are you saying all of a sudden. I'm not in love at all yet! …Am I?

Andy: "No, it's love."

Nanaki: No no no… huh? That's not right, is it?

Andy: "It's love."

Nanaki: N-no—

*beep*

Akuta: "Hey hey heeey! Coming in from headquarters! Private Nanamegi, respond at once~!"

Nanaki: …Still bursting with energy, even with the rain. Something happen?

Akuta: "I have a mission for you! I think they're about to announce that the festival's getting cancelled, but-"

"I want you to jack it~! And broadcast my voice instead! You can do that, yeah?"

Nanaki: Huh!? What are you…

Andy: "That must not be done, Akuta-san."

Nanaki: Andy, quiet down. —That's no good. I CAN do it, since I'm in charge of sound, but I won't. No way.

Akuta: "Why not! Do it! Don't you wanna be popular!? If the Summer Festival's a success, we'll be famous overnight!"

Nanaki: …

Akuta: "I'll be super popular, and play tag on the moon! With bunny girls and bunny boys and mochi too!"

Nanaki: …

Akuta: "Do you feel like giving up?"

Nanaki: !

Akuta: "The more you give in, the more boring this Summer'll be. That attitude will render your life tedious."

"Don't worry. It's just like that egg swallowing boxer said."

"It ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward!"**

Nanaki: -… …But still, what's impossible is impossible…! You can't stop the rain through force of will…!

Akuta: "You're so stubborn! Idiot! Goat!"

*beep*

Nanaki: He hung up.

Andy: "To be exact, he is certainly "big-headed"."

Nanaki: …Later, Andy.

… Sigh…

…

(—That way of thinking is too childish. Right? What will highjacking the announcement do?)

(It's not realistic at all, and might trouble Chief. In the end, there's no chance of stopping the cancellation. I mean, the sound of the rain hitting the tents is only getting stronger and stronger.)

(Right. It's fine to stay doing nothing. Like Kurama said, just struggling is useless. A waste of effort.)

…

I know that. I know that, but…

(I feel like something's dying, just sitting here… gh.)

—Aaaugh!! Enough already!! Akuta, you dumbass…!

Old Lady A: No, you see… on our end, you said you'd get it ready, so we prepared the appropriate items…

Ushio: Yes, for the millionth time, I'm sorry.

(Ah~ what a pain in the ass… they just keep going, over and over.)

Old Lady B: Wasn't it more or less your idea? Providing baby castella?

Old Lady C: You said they wouldn't be normal ones, and have specially made syrup on them…

Ushio: Which is why, like I said, I'm sorry about that.

Anyway, is there any reason to be so particular about it? The sponge alone is delicious enough.

(And regardless, we're gonna have to close up soon with the rain anyway.)

Old Lady B: Why you! You'll be in trouble if you don't take more responsibility for the things you say! You're dragging others into it!

Ushio: Yeah, that's why I've apologised so many times? What else am I supposed to do? You're dealing with a high schooler here—

Sakujiro: Excuse me.

Old Lady C: Ah, the gentleman in charge! Just what kind of education are you giving them!?

Sakujiro: I've only heard what was said just now, but it appears he has been rather impolite. Terribly sorry.

Old Lady A: We're rather busy ourselves, you know.

Sakujiro: Indeed you are. Even we, who only arrived here a few days ago, clearly see how much effort the residents here put into the festival.

He has also worked hard to contribute in his own way, yet as you can see, the threat of rain is here regardless. He's at an age where he's not yet immune to these kinds of situations, so…

Please, madames, with your hearts as deep as the sea god, do not take him lightly.

Old Lady C: …Well, it certainly is a shame for it to rain after you've come all this way.

Old Lady A: It is said that city kids don't go through these kinds of things, with their weather control devices and all.

Ushio: (…Hmph.)

*ringing*

Sakujiro: Excuse me, it's my phone…

(It's from Chief. How did things go, I wonder…)

*beep*

Announcement: "Aaah, this is a message from the executive committee. Though today is Shodoshima's Summer Festival, due to the rain…"

Ushio: …See. It's getting cancelled anyway—

*static*

Akuta: "Nanakiii, it okay for me to speak now? Ah, it is? Okay okay! Aah aah, mike test!"

"And so, it will be cancelled—NOOOOOOT!"

Ushio: …Huh?

Gannosuke: Wh-what on earth… what's happening!? That was Akuta-kun's voice just now, was it not!?

Kiroku: … It's not… getting… cancelled?

Ushio: Why—

Why would I know!

Sakujiro: …

Momiji: Hello! Sakujiro-san? It's me! I somehow managed to borrow a weather control device from Kobe!

Koharu: Howdy Sakujiro-san, been a while. …Be sure to tell Kafka we've repaid y'all with this, 'kay~!

Momiji: Right, Koharu-san accompanied me here, so we're together! We're just about to set up the device…!

Old Man D: No, we're grateful that you borrowed such a fine device for us, but there's no point in setting it off now.

Old Man E: Yeah. It's a waste. Each shot of this costs a fortune, yeah?

Koharu: No worries. We—Kobe have said it's fine, so hit it.

Momiji: (Right… they said it's to repay us, so Kobe just handed it over without even asking why, even though it's too expensive to be worth it to them—)

Koharu-san, I really am grateful!

Okay, I'll head over right n… hey, Sakujiro-san, you haven't said anything for a while, can you hear me?

Akuta: "Bet you thought it'd be cancelled~ I, too, thought things would be delicious that way."

Momiji: (Huh? Is that Akuta-kun's voice coming from the phone…? Sakujiro-san's stopped speaking too, just what is—)

Akuta: "Alright everyone, you ready~?"

"Ten seconds to lift off~!"

*"Andy" is an AI assistant unique to the game's setting

**Akuta's quoting Rocky Balboa

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Masterlist

[aquarianlights]

Omg, I just got goosebumps for you seeing the pics from Tulane!!! I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU AND HAPPY FOR YOU!!! You've worked so, so, so, so hard to get where you are right now and I'm over the moon that it's going the way it should be!!! You're a rockstar, sir, don't ever forget it!!!

Ahhh gosh THANK YOU!!!! It’s so good to hear from you!!!

I really have worked incredibly hard. I have never worked so hard in my life and that is not an exaggeration. It’s looking like I may finally have stability and permanence and something good. I have said that before, but could it actually be true this time? I’m not sure. All those other times, I never actually got a chance to get going into a routine and into an on-campus program or a long-term job. I would end up moving around too much and would find any excuse to force big change. I have no idea why, either.

I have absolutely NO idea why permanence has been such a HUGE problem for me since I turned 18. I mean, I only moved once in my entire life from the ages of…well, being born to the age of 18. And then I finally moved out for college at 18 and that was the second time I had moved in my ENTIRE life and that just started a nomadic process. I never intended it to be. I had intended to move to Jax and just…settle there till my bachelors and then move only for the sake of my masters degree and maybe my Doctorate, too. And then from there, move only for the sake of jobs and internships and work studies and such.

I have absolutely no idea why moving became such a big thing. I’m so aggravated that moving became such a big thing for me and that I could never make anywhere feel like home and that I *STILL* have yet to find anywhere that feels like home. Coz even my parents house certainly doesn’t feel like home. It feels like my own personal hell, honestly.

Why has permanence been such a ridiculous problem for me? I’ve been kept wondering all these years “when will it end?”

I’m hoping the answer to that question is “now”.

It was fun for a while, I will admit. Seeing new places, traveling the US, meeting new people and online friends all over the country, getting to experience new state feels (I would say cultures but uh…states don’t really have their own “cultures”, do they? lmao), getting to explore who I am in all sorts of different situations, getting to “find myself”… That was great and all, but it was also incredibly lonely, emotionally taxing, occasionally traumatizing, and monetarily draining. I began craving permanence years ago.

Everyone always said they envied me for being able to just…get up and go travel around the country at will and still stay in college and finish my degree via online courses. Everyone was always so envious of how I lived my life…just taken by the wind wherever it felt like leading me and being as impulsive as the most extreme borderline can be (typical me, sigh).

But I always secretly envied everyone else. The second I got exactly what I craved in a place (an apartment, a house, city life, suburban life…), I would want the exact opposite to an extreme extent. I was living in a very suburban “city” (which was so spread out that I hesitate to call it a city at all…it was a college *TOWN* with a downtown area that had a night life) and we were so far out that it was quiet af and I was just staying temporarily until my medical issues cleared enough for me to go back to NOLA because I couldn’t stay with my parents anymore and my roommates wanted to move FURTHER away and into a neighbourhood and such…and all I wanted then was to go right smack dab into the middle of the fucking French Quarter (aka, like the middle of Times Square or the middle of Boston, etc…) and just get an apartment above one of the shops there. And I would have done it, too, if I had had the money and the physical ability. And then I would have absolutely hated it because that is ridiculous and I would have wanted peace and quiet and would have moved as far away as possible or even gone back to my parents house in the middle of NO WHERE in the woods in that tiny town of barely anyone where I am isolated from everyone…and then I would have been beyond miserable THERE and I would have moved back to NOLA where I could have an extreme city atmosphere again and the cycle repeats.

Now? Now I have found a wonderful apartment in Metairie which is a suburb but with a city vibe to it. It’s not the kind of place you are walking around and it’s not densely populated like cities are—it’s spread out—but it is right outside the real city parts of New Orleans and it has shopping malls and hotels and lots and lots and lots of shops everywhere.

But I’m going to be living alone in quite the lavish apartment. Sun-room, sky lights, vaulted ceilings…washer and dryer inside my apartment…and it’s cheap as fuck for a Metairie apartment, too. Since it’s owned by a corporate place that has complexes all over New Orleans [I think I counted over 20 complexes], they can afford to keep their rent ridiculously low. I honestly couldn’t believe I had found it. It wasn’t advertised on zillow or trulia or anything…I found it indirectly so I got really lucky because I almost ended up in Harahan a bazillion miles away from everything lololol. And I was hoping to move back to Metairie since I lived there before.

However…when I lived alone before (the one and only time I’ve ever lived alone), it was absolutely DISASTROUS…so I’m terrified it’s going to go that way again. But somehow I just don’t think it is—I don’t think it will for many reasons that I won’t get into unless someone asks coz they’re very specific and good advice for anyone younger looking to move for the first time or anyone who has had similar problems with permanence/moving too much. I know your struggle. And even though I don’t know WHY it happens, I know how to fix it. Haven’t put it all into practice yet, but I move on the 1st so…we’ll see!

But to think that permanence may be a legitimate thing for me now?

I told my mother that I would be staying here for 2-3 years this time when I moved back. I knew in the back of my mind that I really didn’t mean that. I ALWAYS say it, but when does it actually happen? Never. It has never happened even once. I used to go into it saying it AND believing it, but these past few months, I’ve given up believing it. And now all of a sudden, it’s becoming a reality.

And I think it’s because I actually have all of this motivation out of NO WHERE…and because my depression is gone.

Why do I have all of this motivation out of no where and why is my depression gone?

Because I’ve *FINALLY* found my purpose in life.

I was fucking MEANT to be a surgeon.

I knew I was meant to work in the medical field from the moment I was cognizant. I just always thought I was meant to work in the veterinary medicine field! If only I had known ALL THIS TIME that I couldn’t work in the veterinary medicine field…it would have saved me so much trouble.

I am CONSTANTLY wondering nowadays whether I would have done well or not if I had gone into veterinary medicine right off the bat in my freshman year in 2010 and figured out that I wasn’t meant for veterinary medicine and switched to human medicine. I am wondering this every day because I didn’t have the drive I have now and I was going to college for my PARENTS in 2010 and was going for them only for a few years and you can see it in my grades and my GPA. You can very literally see in my grades and GPA when I started going to school for myself and not my parents. When I started enjoying school and actually caring about college. And I had SUCH severe depression that I was cutting every day and doing so many drugs and drinking so heavily that I was an alcoholic. A severe alcoholic. I’d go as far as to say I was a drunk back then. I woke up with a drunk. I drank all day. I couldn’t sleep without alcohol. That went on for literal years. And the drugs were worse than ever then. I was attempting suicide so often that it was almost every other day. I was hospitalized so many times that my medical bills were through the damn roof and I was institutionalized so many times that I had to drop out of college at one point for two whole semesters.

So I just constantly wonder what would have happened if that incident with the golden retriever in 7th grade hadn’t have happened and I hadn’t have given up on veterinary medicine and I had believed I could do it and had believed I was smart enough and that I wasn’t an idiot and I constantly wonder whether I would have made it through and actually started to be happy and had my depression go into remission or something of that nature if I had tried veterinary medicine and found out I couldn’t perform my job correctly and then gone for human medicine instead and discovered how INCREDIBLE I am at it and realized I would one day be a surgeon (hopefully).

I have thought about this thoroughly…and I have mostly come to the conclusion that it would have made me more depressed because I could barely do the bare minimum of my course work then and it was such light coursework that it makes my high school and middle school homework assignments seem ridiculously heavy. I thought maybe IB and the few AP and Honours classes that I took (coz they weren’t offered at IB level yet) in high school had just over-prepared me, but no. I just wasn’t in my core classes yet.

And since was just barely scraping by in those classes by doing the bare minimum of the assignments and barely EVER coming to class when I was in on-campus classes and not online classes, I don’t think I would have passed ANY of my veterinary courses to ever even get a feel for whether I could do it or not. And if I had taken ANY of the premed courses I took this past semester……….. Idk if you’ve seen my medical instagram (medschoolmaverick), but the AMOUNT OF WORK AND EFFORT THAT WENT INTO JUST THOSE THREE SUMMER CLASSES WAS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!

When I was at school, I would be staying on campus and doing work. Between classes, I was working. Before class, I was working. After class, I was working. When I got home, I was working until it was time to sleep. I’d get up early to do work at home before getting ready for school. I’d listen to my class recordings while getting ready. I listen to my class recordings while driving everywhere. I listen to my class recordings while mindlessly making flashcards or doing anything else that is a mindless activity (instead of listening to music or watching netflix or whatever). On the weekends, I would study with my study group. When it was time to split up, I would go home and work on the assignments that were due Monday. Sunday was my ONLY day off. That was the day I would do laundry, catch up on cleaning and whatever else needed to be done…all while listening to class recordings and in between quizzing myself with flashcards and doing whatever work needed to be done or going over notes.

The amount of work I put into those classes was……was beyond anything little Killian was capable of. I don’t think little Killian would have passed, to be honest. And that would have made him even more depressed and would have increased his suicide attempts…and would have made everything worse. Because he would have thought “Oh. So I can’t do anything, then. I can’t even do the one thing I’m passionate about. I guess I can’t major in anything.” and then when I finally got rid of my depression years later at around age 25…I wouldn’t have tried to pursue medicine again and that would have been an enormous loss.

So…you know what? I’m glad I didn’t start until now. If I hadn’t have had all those horrible issues, I would have been angry at myself. But I DID have all those horrible issues, so it’s just better this way. …………..isn’t it?

I hope I’m right.

It just sucks that I’m going to be in my 30′s when I start my residency. I’ve talked to professionals about it and they say I actually have an advantage over other residents because of my age. I will have more life experience to draw from and should be much more confident, among many other things they listed. 

But then there’s the fact I do have osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, ehlers danlos type 3, 5 herniated discs [4 lumbar, 1 cervical], and microfractures along my spine and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it except try horrendously dangerous procedures that could ruin my life forever and take my medical career away from me like an epidural, spinal block injection, trigger point injections, or even surgery. Those are my only options left. I have NOTHING else…

My new Rheumatologist put me on an NSAID called Etodolac and it seems to be helping but not enough. I still can’t get out of bed in the mornings and have to wait a whole hour for it + my narcotics to kick in. And I still have to use it in tandem with my narcotics. But I have been able to lower my narcotic dosage. Whether I do or not depending on the day is a choice now. I only have to take three-four pills a day regarding my narcotics as long as I take my two Etodolac on time. Whether I take the ~20 narcotic pills a day is now completely a choice whereas it wasn’t before. The Etodolac helped THAT SIGNIFICANTLY. I just maybe need to be able to increase the dose or something…I’m not sure.

ANYWAYS…I’ve ranted long enough. I haven’t been able to rant to anyone in a LONG fucking time and I ALWAYS feel safe ranting to you so…here I am LMAO. But I’m gonna shut up now coz I desperately need to go to bed. I have to purchase my textbooks tomorrow and somehow hope they are in e-book form because I physically cannot be carrying the physical books around campus with me. :/ Idk what to do for the rest of my life…I can’t carry heavy things on my back in a backpack like normal people or in a messenger bag off my shoulder like normal people and I have to be so much more mindful of my spinal health…but I need to be able to get to classes on time so I can’t be going to my car all the time, you know?? And I don’t know how many books will have e-books in the future of my schooling. I have a good decade of schooling ahead of me, ya know, between residency and all! For all of those years in school… for the next minimum of 7 years, I need to be able to carry an INSANE amount of books and medical equipment. I don’t know how to do it with all these issues. No one else I know who is in school has these issues to contend with…no one else has to carry this amount of stuff on their back on a daily basis. I just don’t know how to do it. It’s been suggested I get a rolling bag…but I’d really rather not…

This is my Fall semester schedule:

Like…how the FUCK do I carry that kind of weight? Ya feel??? I need to get e-books and keep the physical copies at home. I’m gonna talk to them about it tomorrow, but… :| We’ll see.

I’m just SO SO SO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really really am!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I can’t believe it’s finally real. I just…it’s really happening. I—Killian Roswell—am going to Tulane University!!! I can’t even believe this is reality. I just cannot even fathom that this happened.

It’s fucking real. Haha. Incredible. :)

I’m so damn happy!!

Thank you for being proud of me…because I really did work hard. I worked hard to get into Honours Society, too. And I worked hard to try to get into Phi Theta Kappa, but I wasn’t accepted because my GPA was slightly too low, but she’s allowing me to come to meetings because of how close my GPA is and I’m expecting to bring it up by next semester so I’m expecting to join Phi Theta Kappa for my last semester at Delgado.

Okay I really need to stop ranting now.

I have a BIG day tomorrow!!!

I am actually hoping that books don’t take too long because…I’m actually hoping to do a little something tomorrow that is going to shock everyone depending on how much my books cost. :)

Goodnight. THANK YOU!!! Sorry to rant for so long. I just really, really needed to. Haha.

[realtalk-princeton]

i'm a potential '25 deciding between stanford and princeton. i really love both schools but i've heard intimidating things about how social life at pton can be competitive, and the concept of eating clubs feels a tiny bit cliquey (but i can also see how eating clubs foster a really strong sense of community!) would you say people at pton are happy? is it easy to form close relationships/make friends? is there anything you don't like about pton? (why did you choose pton?) thank you so much!

Response from Ocean:

It’s true that certain aspects of social life at Princeton are competitive.  However, I wouldn’t say that social life as a whole is competitive.  There are certain “prestigious” clubs that require bicker or an interview/application process, but by and large most clubs are open to everyone and it’s very possible to just decline to participate in those competitive types of activities.  They’re not essential or central to Princeton life in that sort of way. 

Eating clubs are a little bit different.  I haven’t really noticed them to be “cliquey”, exactly, as everyone I know who is in an eating club has many friends in other eating clubs or not in eating clubs at all.  Although there is certainly pressure around that aspect, I don’t think it’s any different than typical Greek life on most campuses -- maybe even less so because club members don’t actually live at the eating club, and aren’t required to do fundraisers or volunteer work together in the way a fraternity or sorority might.  

I would say it’s pretty easy to find and make new friends.  It’s a small community (slightly smaller than Stanford), so you see a lot of the same people over and over.  If you run into someone from your class at the dining hall, for example, it’s easy to sit down with them and strike up a conversation.  Would I say people are happy?  Right now I’m mostly noticing a lot of stress and depression among students, mostly mourning the lack of a normal school year, what we lost to the pandemic, and so on.  But I wouldn’t say we are more depressed or stressed than the average student at a prestigious institution.  During my mostly-normal freshman year, I was mostly very happy.  

As for things I don’t like about Princeton... well, you pretty much hit the nail on the head with the competitive aspects of social life.  I also wish there were better support systems in place for students who are struggling, but I think this is an “America’s healthcare system is shit” problem rather than a Princeton-specific problem.  

I chose to come here mostly because of the financial aid package, to be honest.  I didn’t get into any of the other competitive schools I applied for so it was basically Princeton or my local university, and Princeton was cheaper and much better quality.  Other contributors feel free to add on!

Response from TNTina:

honestly although this post might get quite long, i think it would probably be better the more contributors respond to this, because everyone’s experience is unique and everyone has different things they like and dislike about princeton.

i chose princeton because it was the best school i got into - i did not know prior to college what i wanted to study, and princeton is on a holistic level a very well rounded school. i still think it’s a very well rounded school as a whole, but if there are specific fields you think you might want to go into, i advise you consider this more heavily in how you choose a school. princeton, for example, doesn’t offer b. arch degrees. i’ve also heard that pre-med here is a big grind, and the grading is harsher compared to other similar schools. if there are specific professors you admire, consider that - i have a friend in east asian studies who gushed about a specific professor who was a total legend in the field and she was able to engage him in one on one interactions at princeton. if you’re interested in an experience like bridge year, also consider that. to top it off, i’ll just comment a few things that i think are unique to princeton that i like and that i don’t like. 

positive: access to professors - i may just be really lucky but my major has just been one of the most positive aspects of princeton to me. my professors have been overwhelmingly accessible and accommodating; they have checked in on me when i’ve struggled with personal problems, they have arranged meetings with me on the weekend last minute; princeton’s undergraduate focus really shines through. 

alumni connections: princeton does reunions (like the actual event) like no other school. truly, i think the alumni network is by far the strongest of any school in this country. i can’t speak for experiences at other schools but there have been times i have needed advice and reached out to alumni - i’ve been lucky for sure, but there has not been a single alum who hasn’t replied to me and devoted a considerable amount of time to talk to me. the internship i’m doing this summer i probably got in large part because i vibed with an alum i got in touch with.

neutral: single major: you can’t double major at princeton, and you wouldn’t have the time to even if you wanted to. in retrospect, i definitely wanted to double major if i went anywhere else, but without the single major policy i also don’t think wouldn’t have found the department i’m currently in.

independent work/thesis: you should really think this one through. thesis is mandatory for all undergraduate students, and a good amount of your time here will be spent doing research. this is a huge grind and a bit of a pain for a lot of people but it is also really really beneficial for grad schools, and i’ve heard from several alumni that it is also really impressive to employers (at least in some fields). it is also just a very unique intellectual experience. 

negative: eating clubs. i really am not a fan of the eating club system for several reasons. i do not think they are ‘cliquey’ necessarily, but at the very least they pose logistical challenges - if you are in different eating clubs than your friends or you’re not in an eating club, in your later years it becomes hard to get meals with friends. it’s also logistically difficult for underclassmen, and i think it exacerbates an artificial class year divide, as most upperclassmen eat in eating clubs and underclassmen will often have limited opportunity to eat with their upperclassmen friends. the eating clubs also pose an absurd cost (the main reason i did not join a club). and despite how much they might deny it, each eating club does have a different reputation and thus has a tendency to attract people who vibe with that reputation. eating clubs also have extracurricular/social affiliations to a degree, and i think this also exacerbates a tendency for people to just group with people who are similar to themselves. this is not to say that people don’t do this naturally in society and at other schools though. on a more positive note though, i will say though that i think ocean is right about the fact that people do not typically identify very strongly with their eating clubs and their eating affiliation does not define them in the way that a frat or sorority might. if i had to choose, i would definitely prefer 70% of people being in an eating club than 70% of people being in greek life.

best of luck, you have some fantastic choices - and i really think you can’t go wrong here! 

[cherinotes]

Hi, congratulations on your grades. I got decent grades without studying (75% in the complicated classes, 85% in the easy ones and 98% in English (my second language) ) and because of my behavior I got 4/5 and 5/5 in all the classes so I don't study because I'm lazy. And I hate that because now I'm going to a school that is really hard and gives bad grades easily. Can you give me tips to start studying? My summer holidays are starting.

Me, too. I was super lazy when I started studying haha. These may not be the best tips but they certainly helped me out!

buy things you want to use

I would save up money to buy nice pens and notebooks when I can instead of clothes and nice food. Then it forces me to use those utensils to make the money worth it. HORRENDOUS piece of advice but hey it helped me out haha.

find friendos

This is probably hypocritical coming from me since my friends at school don’t give two hot dogs about school but find people who’ll support and understand you! Even though my friends hated school, they supported and understood me when I couldn’t hang out or when I had to go home early.

readings!

We had to read a lot of textbooks and stuff for psychology class and haha I was the only person who would read and take notes. because of that, i was ahead of the class, i understood the class better, and used it more as review!

studying in short intervals

in psych class, we learned that cramming does not help at all. Distributed studying works the best! basically you break up what would be a potential 3 hour study session to 3 days of one hour studying. I always look through my notes even for just a small bit.

for me personally, i never study the night before the test. Too stressful for me so i just don’t do it.

find a place to study

room, cafe, library, whatever works well! i like to change up my places so i can get a breath of fresh air

MUSIC

alright i didnt actually get into k-pop until my sophomore/junior year and i only started listening because I couldn’t think in English if I listened to music in English. I ended up listening to piano or classical music but eventually decided to move into foreign language. now i’m just kpop trash.

These are the ones that come to mind haha. You dont have to like school to do well in school, I can assure you that. You just need to have the right mindset. Think that you can do it and really believe in it!! Best of luck, too!!!