#and i cant play next week because i have like 3 important exams

[some-internet-stranger]

These barbies are on a mission

[toughreset]

Broken Dreams - Going through the quarter life crisis with adult ADHD

I fear time. I fear time a lot. Not just because I’m turning 26 this week but also because I do not have anything to show for the last 25 years. And I’m not talking about the typical quarter life crisis where someone might say “I do not own a house yet”, “ I have no partner”, “I’m stuck in a deadbeat 9-5 shitshow and I do not have any energy later to do anything” or other typical shit like that…

My quarter life crisis is way worse, something like this: “For the last 5 years I have done nothing but stare at a screen 12 hours a day”,

“I always wanted to be successful by 25 but I have not even had a job”, “I wasted 30 000€ on instant gratification and the doctor says that I’m in no working condition”.

I suffer from two quite debilitating illnesses, ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome. This first causes difficulties with concentration and inhibition.  This causes the brain to seek out instant gratification like a meth-addict.

I am in complete hell at the moment, unable to act and wasting time. Been in a paralysis of analysis for the last 5 years. And medicated it with all the instant gratification. Never had sex, never had a job, no degree, no job, never been on a date, no savings, no investments and no future. I wake up to this hell every morning and there are so many things to do that I just freeze. 

It does not help at all that got hooked into motivational videos and self-help books. Been indulged in those for the last 6 months, several hours a day. Wasting the most important years of my life.

I’m probably the best procrastinator on this globe. How do I know that? Because I procrastinated everything, university, health, relationships, social situations, saving, investing, my hobbies. Everything. 

I basically paused my life for 10 years.  I understood all the time that success or even safe, normal life requires hard work. And a lot of it. Every day I keep telling myself the same things: tomorrow I will start studying, this is the last time I watch youtube, this is the last time I talk to these people, this is the last time I will call the crisis hotline.

And what do I really want? I want to be a rockstar, architect, engineer, game designer, entrepreneur, youtuber, film director, comic book artist and so on…

And the reality is? That I’m in psychiatric care. That I’m unable to focus more than 5 minutes at a time. A guy who has not done a hard day of work in his life. A guy who is blind to time and wastes 12+ hours a day on things that do not take him forward in life. A guy who has not touched his guitar in 2 months because he thinks it is a waste of time and cant get him a job. A guy whose doctor told him that he is not in any condition to work or study. 

So many things that I would like to try out but only one lifetime to try out.

But I just can not act. At nearly 26 years old I just panic everyday thinking that time is passing and that I still have not taken the first step towards the success that I want.

The world is filled to the brim by addictive stuff, and the most addictive of them are not even illegal. Video games, porn, internet surfing and youtube. 

Not only are these things ruining your brain but they cost you the most precious resource of all: TIME. Time to love, time to learn, time to explore, time to dream, time to LIVE. Time spent can never be regained. Time is the dimension through which all things must pass. 

And what happened to me? I got hooked to the worst time sucks imaginable: porn, video games and youtube. 

I remember starting the 1st year at university for the 4th time. I went to one lecture and after that played the Witcher 3 for TWO MONTHS straight, morning to evening. I could watch porn from morning till evening several days in a row even though I needed to prepare for an exam… Which of course I would skip due to not having any self-esteem left in me. I watched all the motivational videos and life hacks. I bought candy and soda every day. Watched all the top animes. Bought every super pill there was. Went into almost all the traps on the internet

I’m not stupid, I’m just a very good example of what happens to a child when they get unrestricted internet access at a very young age. I’m just a very good example of someone who gets welfare while having ADHD and addictions.

Now I’m broke and have nothing to show for it. The days are getting shorter and I’m getting older. Not knowing what to do next or what to aim at. 

But now I am at a crossroad.

Sacrifice all my time to a single goal or to take my own life?

It feels like balance is just not possible anymore after all that wasted time. 

I am suicidal, I am scared of wasting even a single moment. And still I do. Living with a disease that makes self-discipline nearly impossible and realizing that all of your dreams are highly unlikely to ever happen due to so much wasted time and the repercussions that created.

Always dreamt of being the educated, lean, charming, effective and fulfilled man with a purpose and a partner.

Now I realized that I am the total opposite of that.

What did I do yesterday? I was paralyzed, in my bed staring at the ceiling and processing the fact of whom I’ve become.

Last night I got so bitter and resentful that I thought I would kill myself right then and there…

Today in the morning I looked in the mirror to see the most hateful eyes I’ve ever seen… The resentful eyes of someone living in their self made hell...

[kevkesblog]

Translation: Kai Havertz portait in ZEIT newspaper (January 2019)

NOTE: Hey guys! This time I tried something new. I translated an exclusive portrait the german weekly newspaper DIE ZEIT did with Kai in January. They interviewed him as well as Kai’s family. Its very candid and has alot of details. I hope you guys like it, since DIE ZEITs writing is usually very difficult - even for germans. And I apologize for spelling errors as usual. 

The original text in German

Kai Havertz: the peace itself

 (January 23, 2019)

People praise Leverkusens national player Kai Havertz, 19, for his serenity with the ball which put him on the radar of many European top clubs. His parents start to realize that he is likely becoming world famous.

By Jörg Kramer

The most promising german football talent these days picked a table very far behind in an restaurant somewhere in Cologne to order himself some spagetti gnocchi – inconspicuous.

There is no star posturing with Kai Havertz. The 19 year old could even go through as a normal university student; with his bright hoodie and somewhat cheap and not even special occurence.

And with his voice, which has this typical regional dialect, without the typical empty phrases that young football player use to often in order to cover up their meaningless sentences. But people know his face by now. So thats why he doesnt sit right next to the entrance.

He belongs to the celebrities of the football scene. European top clubs are scouting the young men in stadiums, team mates from Bayer Leverkusen praising him and forecasting him to have the potential to become a world star.

He already scored nine goals this season, decided some games by his own and played his first games for the national team. Havertz became the centre of his clubs game by playing at the centre midfield. His role only changed slightly and the importance of his role not at all, since Peter Bosz took over as head coach. He views this very relaxed and talks in an restaurant somewhere in the Belgian Quarter of Cologne about Leverkusen being the „perfect place“ in order to develop as a young player. And thats where he wants to give his all for the last half year ahead. Ooops!

His last half year? That was a slip of the tongue of course, he meant to say the next half year. Because his contract with Bayer is still running until 2022 without an exit clause. But things now are developing in a rapid way which runs parallel to his explosive performance currently. Its just a matter of the perfect timing that someone like him will end up going to Barcelona, Manchester or at least Munich – a choice between summer 2019 or summer 2020 maybe.

Havertz walks over his misspelled sentence like nothing happend. Once in Nuremberg in the middle of a turmoil of an rainy game, it seemed as if he stopped – as if he was reconsidering the situation with him having the ball. Like if somebody pressed a ‚Stop‘-button. And he chiped to ball in an cool and unemoitional and scored.

Coaches and team mates are citizing his body language, he says. So he works on looking more aggresive. He even participates on useless discussions between his teammates and referees after controversial decisions on the pitch, in order to get a penalty for the other team or some revenge. But it doesnt really look good him when he does it, he admits – even after a though tackle or when going after the ball. „I’m a player that shines with his tranquility.“ A nice sentence that gives away his elegante style of play.

Havertz remained an artist on the pitch. Every foul is a sign of weakness. Everytime he gets the ball, which is his job as an offensive player, he never runs into his opponents – he anticipates. „I try to imagine, which options my opponent has, what he would do if I were him.“ He then runs with a planned pass way and he gets the ball.

Havertz learned in the past almost two and a half years all systems and tatics of modern football. Starting with a radical system, almost a raid-strategy under coach Roger Schmidt, by which the goal keeper kicked the ball high and it flew wide over the pitch – almost always directly aimed at Havertz‘ head – because he is 1,88 meters tall.

Then the mixed system under Heiko Herrlich. He always had to look for his team mates before he passed. Now with Bosz, a planfull offensive style with flat passing. He runs through all the chapters. The first began on October 15, 2016.

It was a Saturday. A day where the Havertz family from Mariadorf near Aachen still couldnt realize that their youngest son, will probably end up living off football and perhaps even become famous. They cant really believe it up until today, says Anne Havertz, his mother.

On that day – October 15 – Kai was a youth player, in a big house next to the woods in Mariadorf having breakfast – when suddently coach Schmidt called. Lars Bender, professional Bayer-player who was supposed to play against Werder Bremen that evening, got injured and had to quit. Kai had to come to Bremen, immidiately! His mother drove him to Leverkusen. A special shuttle took him to Bremen. His whole family was sitting in front of the TV that night.

Kai was sitting on the bench as expected. Then, during the 83th minute, the commentator saw already more than the viewes and said: now we are experiencing a debut. Kai Havertz was ready to get subbed. In the real Bundesliga. Anne Havertz said: „Oh my god!“.

(Credit: Instagram: kaihavertz29)

Kai’s mother, who worked as a lawyer until she got pregnant with her eldest son, came to the restaurant in Cologne one day after Kai to talk about life as a family of an future world star. She brought her husband – Kai’s father, and her daughter Lea, Kai’s sister. The sister is studying marketing and digital media in the city.

People can reach his father in an emergency by dailing 1-1-0. He is a police officer working at the police station 3 in Cologne-West. He says he is really impressed, about how cool and routinely his football playing son manages post-game interviews and how we stays cool when people recognize him in public and everybody is watching,

The Havertz family is still perplexed about a football world where colleagues of their son, order their own cooks to cook for them at home. And whenever he puts his legs into an special bag in order to regenerate. Almost the whole family – except his oldest brother and the dog – are having apple pie and salate and looking back at the stages of his career, which started at Alemannia Mariadorf. Kai skiped two age-groups. He then played with older players than actually intended. Then he transfered to Bayer Leverkusen. All because the scout was tough but not intrusive like the other scouts. By the age of ten, Bayer drove Kai to training sessions three times a week.

4 year old Kai Havertz (Credit: kicker tv)

He was still among the smallest players in the team by the age of 14. Then suddently - a growth spurt which resultet in issues with his knees and his back. They were responsible for Kai loosing his fixed spot on the team. This was also the hard time because he left home and moved to Leverkusen. The club doesnt have an academy so he stayed at a guest family – the family of the stadium announcer from Bayer, together with two other players. A year later he moved into an apartement with his older brother, until Jan had to move to Nuremberg – he has a marketing job at adidas now.

A lasting memory: endless discussions within the Havertz family about the overarching question: does the boy need a german high school diploma (Abitur)? Will he pass the tests when he is travelling around with his professional teammates?

Kai Havertz attended the Landrat-Lucas-Gymnasium. An elite school of sports where he could skip classes in the morning for training. But he always had to catch up school stuff from the day. Once he played with Leverkusen at the DFB-Cup at Sportfreunde Lotte. He was subbed late, it went into penalities and after the team was eliminated from the cup he arrived home late – at 3am. At 8am he had an English exam.

The family became a team. His mother and sister helped him with biology exams. One day the young football player said to his family, he has no power left anymore. „But he never said: I want to quit!“ his mother insists. This was a breaking point by which his parents thought about quitting and stop pursuing the Abitur. But suddently coach Roger Schmidt intervened and said Kai should pull through. The whole Bayer team will support him.

The Abitur became a factor of will power, a test of life. The school supervisor of Bayer, a former athlete herself, said something memorable: it will shape his whole life if Kai quits school now. Whenever something becomes difficult, if something goes beyond your pain barrier, he will always have this option to quit in his head, that you can just give up.

Kai Havertz choose the pain, the Abitur. Now he will always choose the hard way if the theory of his supervisor holds.

On this January afternoon in Cologne, he is being asked what other job he would have picked if it wasnt for football. He likes the job as a barber, for men’s hairstyle. He smiles. Some curls are hanging on his forehead from left to right. A Barber. He wouldnt have needed an Abitur for that.

He is a genius at football. He won the German junior championship with Bayer and scored 19 goals in 29 games. He got awarded as a Under-19-player as the best of his age with the Fritz-Walter-medal from the DFB. Kai made it onto second place on his position after Marco Reus from Dortmund in a list of the football magazine „kicker“ which they publish every half year – but seven spaces in front of Munich’s Thomas Müller.

Coach Heiko Herrlich says Havertz reminds him of Toni Kroos. Football critic Reiner Calmund compared him to Franz Beckenbauer. His head goals remind him of Michael Ballack. Mesut Özil was always Kai Havertz idol, because of his tranquility with the ball and his ability to read a game. Sometimes Kai misses the final conciseness in front of the goal, which was visible after the recent 0-1 loss against Borussia Mönchengladbach.

Having the ability to remain calm, even when you get tackled is the result of a deep confidence in your own strenghts: screen your surrondings – in short time if necessary – and then make the right decision. Joachim Löw praises Havertz „good orientation“, something he said about Özil years ago. What he means is a certain sense of space on the pitch – an inner compass. Something that has to do with attention and memory. Havertz, who is a master of navigation, doesn’t even need practice. Some creatures have special senses and are able to find orientation on earth through a magnetic field – like migratory birds for example.

Kai Havertz likes watching Champions League games. And while watching them, there is always a wish inside him to participate as well whenever the big games of the quarter- and semifinals are on. „I think you can only reach that level by going to a top club at some point“ he says.

Mother, father and sister Havertz say, they don’t expect things from him. Something they never did in his career. But if someone asks them, who will follow Kai in a foreign country to get used to everything – they start to think about it. They would alternate. One week his mother would visit, next week his sister and then his grandmother maybe.

Kai Havertz still has a room back home in Mariadorf. Back in the day he used to have posters from FC Barcelona. So it could happen maybe one day, that youngsters in Barcelona will have posters with Kai Havertz on them.

++END++

[reaganmats]

3/4 Week 5 & 6: Bali, Visitors and Midterms

I haven’t blogged in a while because the past couple of weeks have been incredibly busy and I apologize. I was in Bali, Indonesia from February 8th - 12th, my cousin visited me in Singapore from the 15th - 18th, and I had a lot of projects and mid-terms to catch up on. However, I will be posting by the end of this week about my Recess Break where I traveled to Hong Kong and Taiwan.

My time in Bali was an absolute blast! Going to Bali, I was a little skeptical because I thought that it would be another version of Hawaii, but it wasn’t. I went with a group of eleven people and I can honestly say there was not a single dull moment while we were there as we were constantly moving or enjoying our beautiful Airbnb. My friends and I arrived in Bali on the 8th at 11:30 pm and spent that night getting everything situated. 

Our first official day was Saturday, February 9th, we woke up at 8:30 am with a couple hours of sleep and first went to a beach to do water sports. It was about $50 USD per person to do parasailing, banana boating, and doughnut boating. The beach itself was “okay”, but the activities were definitely fun and unique despite being from Hawaii. Afterwards we went river rafting and saw some of Bali’s most beautiful waterfalls, villas, cliffs, and scenery. Later that night we went to explore Kuta Beach, which is Bali’s version of Waikiki, and experienced some of Bali’s coolest venues. 

The next couple of days we went sight-seeing and visited the volcano, coffee refinery, Bolong Batu Beach, Holy Water Temple, and a waterfall. Overall it was probably one of the most exhausting four days of my life, but worth every second. However, Bali is a tourist trap and was a lot more expensive than anticipated despite the strength of the USD. Even though I loved Bali and had a lot of fun, it made me realize the beauty of Hawaii and how unique it is. 

After returning to Singapore on Feb. 12th and having a mini-vacation, I immediately had to begin studying for mid-terms the next week as Kristyn Fujii ,my cousin, fellow BESTie and Freeman Scholar, came to visit from the 15th-18th. Fellow Freeman Scholar, BESTie, and Shidler student, Shannon Mau helped to give Kristyn a tour of Singapore. We visited some of Singapore’s main attractions that I have seen before like the Merlion, Spectra Light Show, Gardens by the Bay, and Marina Bay Sands Hotel, but we also were able to experience the Flower and Cloud Domes, Haji Lane, and Sentosa Island. 

“Work hard play hard” may be the saying, but for most of the month of February I was just playing hard, which meant that I had to catch up on all the studying for mid-terms. I had to prepare for my mid-term for my FIN 3102, my research proposal for JS 1101, and homework assignments for my other classes. The reason so many things were happening this week was because Recess Week, equivalent to Spring Break, is the week afterwards. I also had to worry about booking my tickets and airbnb to Hong Kong and Taiwan. Overall it was definitely the most stressful week of my exchange so far, but I survived. 

One of the biggest perks of studying in Singapore is that it is really easy to get cheap flights to other Southeast Asian countries. That also means that learning to balance traveling and studying is very important. I feel that it is much more important to study smarter rather than studying harder. If you study for a little bit every single day it will be a lot more efficient than studying a couple of days before the exam or writing a paper. NUS students study weeks in advance so you cant expect to do well if you just study a couple days before. I might be learning how to travel, but I am also learning how to study as well. 

[the99thchapter]

34

the following are entries from my lunadiary.

2018.12.24 p.m. 01:54  - the last week of 2018 x - let the past be bygone they say, little did you know, the sufferings and obstacles i had faced, To be where i am today never forget your struggles because they're a reminder for every hardship 

2018.12.27 p.m. 08:34 the luxury of happiness x - to feel happy is a luxury because not everyday is filled with joy So If i get to feel happy for every one second I'll be grateful i don't want to feel nothing Forever

2019.01.17 p.m. 05:06 Tbh - Hypothetically speaking, i don't know if I'm passing my stats and cma paper. I didn't revise in depth and I'm just guessing answers. Reminder to myself that if i failed, it was because i wasn't being hardworking enough. I was being complacent. I deserved this. 

2019.04.01 p.m. 11:15 what happens next?  - howto: cope with a broken friendship are there any cures for it? Guidebooks, therapy or prayers?I lost a friend because of my actions. Came to realization that I'm always hurting others. I know how it feels like, and I'm doing it to the people i love. I am the worst.

2019.04.11 p.m. 05:38 My parents.  - My mom thinks I'm here to ruin her life. Look, I'm not trying to make anyone cry or get hurt. But it always come back to the fact that i cause great pain to the people around me indirectly. I made my family cry. I made a friend cry. I make myself cry. It's like i am this terrible person who's causing so much pain to others. I don't get better. I get worse. 

I know my mom has been looking at me like I'm a monster for a while now. Years. She doesn't say it but i can tell. I'm no longer treated like a child, i get scolded like a stranger and I'm not worth of importance anymore. I think this is the universe way of telling me that I'm on my own and i should just deal with it. My dad wants to get closer to me but i push him away repeatedly. I'm a mean person but getting closer means opening up walls and i don't intend to do that. After having broke a parent, this parent should stay away from me. I hurt people so he shouldn't have to deal with me. He's a great dad but he's unlucky to have me. 

My parents are great people and they've been through a lot. My existence is nothing but a nuisance since the beginning. Please, universe. Do them a favour and do myself a favour. Get rid of me. Help them. Save them. That's all I'm asking. 

2019.04.23 p.m. 10:59 Plus one - all i ask for is a man who has a good heart. Someone who is polite in words and actions. not necessarily pious but does his five daily prayers without fail. Able to guide me on the correct path and be my jodoh in jannah. protect me from the evil and love me for who i am. Respects my family as a whole and accepts us for who we are. 

2019.05.09 p.m. 02:03 day 4  - Ya Rabb, i ask that you strengthen my iman. Encourage my heart to perform the five daily salahs and to dzhikir a lot. In this holy month i want nothing but truly your blessings. Taufiq hidayah. Rahmatilah kami semua, terimalah segala ibadah and amalan kami. I'm striving to become a better muslim in the eyes of no one else but Allah SWT. The most gracious, the most merciful.

  2019.07.08 a.m. 09:38 What is wrong with me?  - These words are haunting me at night. Every time i close my eyes, i hear it. "Why are you like that?" "You're not good enough" "The world doesn't need you" "Stop being useless to us." "You're a bad person." Hey, Reality check, i am indeed what these statements truly meant. I know for a fact that no one actually likes me. I radiate bad vibes negativity. People pretend to like me. My personality's kinda fake. Is this why no one wants to stick by me? Is that why the friends that i have now are only pitying me? What do i lack? How can i be a better version of myself? What is wrong with me? 

2019.08.01 a.m. 11:31 the first of august - D-23 to my birthday! To an age that society defines as a brand new decade! My 20's will be the coolest. I can't wait to get my first full time job, to graduate with my diploma, to hop on an airplane, to travel to cities, discover the world, meet people, find love and connection, try new adventures and to simply help the needy.  

2019.08.26 p.m. 02:18 - today i had my last exam for 2.1. the end of a semester. right now I'm sitting i’m the mrt. On my way to bugis. To buy film. But all i can think about is Will today be the day? What if right now is the moment? 

No current commitments. No plans. Just myself. I'm thinking about how in the midst of being surrounded by work to do, i have no time for myself. To recharge, to check in and ask if I'm truly okay..Because I'm not. I really am pushing or suppressing emotions. I'm not allowing myself to let go. No anxiety attacks lately. Am i getting better? Or is this just my mind playing tricks?

2019.10.01 p.m. 10:57 cbtl  - I have work at 8 am which I've decided not to turn up for because i think it doesn't matter if I'm there or not..i love the nature of this new job and the learning outcomes from it but it's been 3 weeks and it's tough. i get that it requires the ability to be quick and precise but i just cant you know? With this particular mgr breathing down my neck every single time, i feel so tensed?? i know the reality is that not every job will be easy but i don't think this barista thingy will work out for me :(  and I'm not deciding to ditch work just bc i can't handle things, but I'm tired from getting belittled for minor tiny ass mistakes i do. Why do people find the need to raise their voice and speak in a degrading manner while pointing out my mistakes which are so frickin small in front of others? To train me to be vigilant next time? Is it working? Yes. But did it hurt my self esteem? Totally. You saw my igstory lately... the one about smacking my face? It still upsets me :( I wasn't rude or anything i was honestly in a confused position. Because i genuinely did not know the exact ingredients to make iced latte (i wasn't taught yet) and the same mgr thinks i do even after telling her i dont!! I asked her if it's made from iced water base but she kept emphasising the word 'ICED LATTE' indicting that i was dumb and she got fed up and said it's milk based + I'll smack your face..rude. She could have told me. The thing about me is that i remember lists really well so if she'd told me at the beginning we could have avoided this moment that ruined my day and hurt my feelings. I know it was my fault for not practicing much last week so that's why when i was asked to make hot espresso drinks it caught me off guard. I told the same mgr that i did not have much opportunity to do so bc the other workers mostly made the drinks and she still belittled me. Also i had to make this drink called Hot Vanilla which is similar to Hot Chocolate and i remember DISTINCTIVELY that one of my colleagues taught me to use cold milk as base so i did the same thing and one of the other colleagues saw and again... in a loud degrading manner pointed out my mistake and proceeded to say things like "YOU ASK AND ASK SO MANY THINGS THEN DON'T BOTHER REMEMBERING SO U ASK FOR WHAT" in a really mean tone... that was uncalled for. i had to choke up my emotions and reply an apology in a joking manner like i always do bc idw to cry.

2019.12.18 p.m. 09:39 the decade in recap - 2009-2019 i was 10 years old then but I'm 20 years old today. I really grew up uh? I went through so many things. I did them. I became who i am today. 

2020.01.21 a.m. 08:45 three weeks into the new year and I'm already over it - year, please be nice to me. I've cried way too much. I don't want to be sad all the time. I want to feel like myself again. It's been years...that for some reason happiness and a good life can't work hand in hand for me. 

2020.01.23 p.m. 08:57 work hard and work smart?  - I studied only two days prior. But in those last two days i put in a lot effort. I sacrificed sleep, my health, hygiene and everything into utilizing every second to absorb as much studying as i can. I convinced myself that i can do it. I can make things work. But did it? I took my tax paper and did mistakes...obvious unforgivable mistakes that i actually practiced so hard on but still did it. I took my finance paper and my mind decided to omit the one information that i needed to answer that question even though I've memorized it repeatedly in my mind beforehand. It's really times like this where i truly am disappointed with myself. I could have done better had i put in more effort. I could have aced it if i did my preparation early. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I'm not as good as my peers. This whole week was so tiring for me. I was alone and realized that i am ALONE alone. My friends? They don't even care about me unless i took initiative to approach them. It's been suffocating lately, trying to take in all the crap that I've been getting. I'm so tired of crying. I don't even want to feel happy anymore. What's the point....

2020.02.19 p.m. 01:06 1 down, 4 more to go - auditing.... you're not my cup of tea. I'll admit it. in the beginning i didn't understand what was going on. but after literally crash coursing on the whole module this past week, i can say i still don't get it. But nevertheless i think i did ok for the paper. Idk. I thought I'd failed my mst only to be surprised by the score. So maybe the universe will work the same way this time. Or not. 

So today i will be going on a full-blown revision marathon for my three papers next week. I'm pinning my hopes on getting at least B+/A for FOT and FOI. IF? we'll strive to get one level about the bare minimum. 

I hope this semester sees an improvement in gpa or maintenance of my current one. Would really break my heart to see it plunge down. To future me, we'll be okay. If we're not, don't beat yourself to it. While the whole "grades don't define you" advice does give a sense of relief, it means shit. Grades matter... At least for university. 

Remember that one day we'll get a degree. Failure isn't forever. 

2020.05.30 a.m. 04:37 Why i don't ask about my jodoh in prayers  - while i do romanticize love based on fiction and the amount of love series i watch, i don't necessarily crave for it. I used to, but i don't. One reason could be that i am not surrounded by many malay guys and two, i am not in a position to be able to experience it. It's both. I don't try and I'll not try. 

[datingadviceonreddit]

This is gonna be a long story and may not be as full of thrill as you might expect, but I would really appriciate any advice or insight I could get, so bear with me, if you can.Tldr: Manipulative ex gf thanked me for getting her through school and family isssues for 8 years by screwing her coworker and letting me find the used panties.Since there´s a lot of talk about abuse in relationships I´ve come to think about my last relationship and whether my (27m) ex-gf (25f) emotionally abused me. This is in no form a talk of physical abuse, but coming out of the bubble I was in, when I was still with her, I think that some things she did to me would be considered insane, if a guy did that to his girl.For background: I met my ex-gf when I was 18. She was 16 and seemed like the sweetest girl in the world. She was exactly my type, sweet, caring and came from a shitty family background, which I absolutely do not. Not only did I fell madly in love with her, I also wanted to help her overcome all the losses and insecurities she had dealt with. Her father was a women hating alcoholic pos that died when she was 13 and most likely killed himself. He had told her literally since the day she was born that she was trash, because she was a girl. When the nurse said he had become father to a wonderful daughter he replied with "well the dumb ones loose their cock". So that´s the kind of guy that had indoctrinated her to think she was worthless and would end up like her mother. Her mum was kind, but also one of the dumbest and most ignorant people I have ever met. During the 8 years of our relationship I have met so many new "step dads" for my ex, that I´m pretty sure I must have forgotten some.For the first two years our relationship was seemingly fine. I showed her that she could become anything she wanted, helped her with school, with bullies, her idiotic mother, her ignorant brother and so much stuff, my life basically consisted of nothing more than making sure she was alright. She had depression, an eating disorder and on top of that she had a habit of taking care of any animal she could get her hands on. When we first met, she had three cats, two bunnies and a horse. When we split it was still three cats, a dog, the horse and a pony. Financing almost everything about them alone and taking care of them 24/7 while doing school or working. This has made up a huge part of our live and tbh - I miss this so much it breaks my heart.I admired her for caring for all of them and over the years I got so involved I took care of the animals like they were my own. I have spent nights and days at our barn making sure the horses were fine and raised our dog for 7 years with her. Loosing the dog was the worst part for me honestly.Anyways during the first two years she kinda looked up to me I guess. I helped her through school, getting a job and eventually to become a nurse. I accompanied her to exams, even pretty much wrote a major paper for her (I know) and what not.I cant really tell at what point the dynamic shifted but I guess it was somewhere around our third year together. She always had a temper and when she got mad, it was like all she could see was red and the things she sometimes said to me were so humiliating and mean that today I would walk out the second the first thing came out of anyones mouth.It got worse and worse and to give you a bigger picture I will list some things out of the last two years:- She twisted anything I said all the time. Sometimes she raged all of a sudden over a thing I had allegedly said the day before. She made up entire conversations that had never happened and when I called out this bs she came up with things like "so youre calling me a liar" and the fight continued from there on- she constantly accused me of cheating even though I was carrying her on my hands like a princess, caring for her and her pets 24/7 and if I got mad, she got even more mad, insisting that I had no right to get mad over the accusation, because that would be a sign they were true. I had caught her texting at least two guys she lied to me about in a semi explicit way, but of course when I caught her it was my fault.- She called me names, yelled at me, told me to fuck off and when I left she said if I would leave we´d be done.It was like that at least once every two weeks, probably more often.Im sorry if this is a little confusing to follow. It is hard to grasp being humiliated and manipulated over a course of years and put it into sentences.Still, here is something that really stuck with me.I was going on walks with her horses and her at least four times a week. It was hard work, and she constantly told me how bad I was at handling the horses and what not, even though pressuring me and punishing me if I did not come along, because she had more work to do then. When we went on walks we would bring large garbage bags and gloves to pick up the horse sht. We were walking through neighborhoods and streets and didnt want to leave it jus there. That one day she told me to get the bags so we could go. I went into your shed, grabbed them from the usual chair they were on and put them into my pocket. These are regualy folded trash bags from a role like you probably use every other day. So at some point the horse does its duty and I hand my ex-gf the bag, she unfolds it and sees it has a giant hole at the bottom which was not visible before. It was a fabrication mistake which you could only see once you really wanted to use it. She then screamed at me on a street in full daylight with people around how dumb I was to not see this before, if I could do anything right and tbh, it was the ususal talk for me. I told her there was no way of knowing for me and that I had just taken them from the usual place. She then told me that she had already known that apparently the whole role had been like this but she did not throw them away. So she knew I would grab these and it would play out like this or just didnt think about it herself. She literally screamed at me and still insisted I was too stupid to do basic tasks and here comes the part that was really bad for me.Apparently she had also forgotten to bring the gloves we use to pick the shit up and since it was my fault the bag was broken I would have to pick the shit up with my bare hands. I really dont find horse shit gross compared to dog or whatever shit but it still is what it is and it was a lot. There was screaming at me not to be a little bitch and pick up the shit and find a way the bag will hold it. The worst thing for me about this that I was actually on my knees, over the pile and I was so close to pick it up, it makes me sick thinking about it. Eventually I told her Im not doing it, she just walked away silently and told me once we´re back at the barn I could leave.Now you wonder, why I didnt leave. Its simple. I loved her more than anything. She had a habit to apologize so sincerely a day after her usual tantrums, I just believed her. She would come a day later and tell me that she would just get consumed by rage and couldnt help but talking like while at the same time not meaning anything of it sincerely. Shed tell me shed love me, be nothing without me, love the way I treat her and her animals and that I should believe her that nothing of what she says in rage mode is what she actually feels. I always believed that. For 8 damn years I believed this shit.The last year was one of the best and still the worst. We moved in together after she had finished becoming a nurse and me almost finishing law school. We had fixed her relationship with her mother, her brother, got her her dream job and I dont want to be an asshole but I had guided her through all of it. Her family was a full on nightmare when it came to communication and I had always felt like the only sane person at the table being with them. The reason this is important is, I always excused her irrational behaviour with the trouble and stress that was always constant in her life. Her horse had also been sick for years and for the first time we could sleep without fearing it would be dead on the grass the next morning.So the foundation was good. At least thats what I thought. I remember two weeks before the relationship ended, she asked me whether I was still planning to marry her. I looked at her as honestly as I could and said yes and I meant it with all my heart. You shouldve seen the look on her face. She was the happiest girl in the world and I was sure this would be a turning point.Then she had a christmas party from work. I drove her there so she could drink. Told her to enjoy herself, she had deserved it after all the stress and I would pick her up till 3 in the morning because Id have to feed the horses at 7 and needed at least a bit of sleep.She did not react to my messages once and came home at around 5:30. Told me she had danced a lot with a coworker that had hit on her prior and I was pissed, but trusted her and did not want to ruin her one night out right after it ended. That was on a friday. The next morning, saturday, everything was fine. I had taken out the horses and we went on a 3 hour walk with them in the afternoon and I had to study after that for the rest of the day. She was sweet to me but kinda hung on her phone a lot and always made sure to take it with her everytime she left the room, which was kind of suspicious to me but I thought Id just be paranoid.So far everything still was fine. On sunday it all changed. She got up in the morning and was pissed right away. We had plans for the day and she canceled them because of light rain which usually never bothered us. She acted pissed until early afternoon and suddenly told me shed go see the horses. I wanted to join her but she wanted to go alone and walk there. That was a thirty minute walk in rain and by the time shed have walked back once she was done there it wouldve been dark outside and people got robbed a lot where we had to walk. I let her go and once it was time to feed the horses I got in my car to suprise her, so she wouldnt have to walk home in the dark. When I arrived all hell broke loose. Suddenly she told me that ever sinced I moved in with her she had no real home anymore. That I was just a dog to her, not a real man and that I was taking the air she breathed from her. She said shed go to bed early cause thats the only time she could spent without me. Just to note this here, she had yelled at me numerous times because I couldnt go to bed with her because I had to study.The idiot I was I still offered her to ride her home and then go to my brothers place so she could get some peace and we had a chance to talk at night or in the morning. Well she did not have any of that and told me to fuck off. I drove to my brother, she walked home and we only talked the next morning when she broke up with me and kicked me out.Two days later she called me to tell me something. Of course we couldnt meet at a neutral place, I had to come to her and we talked were our (her) horses stood with my australian shepherd I had raised for 7 years and never saw again after that day. She told me she had fucked her coworker. I dont know what happened at the christmas party but I guess they did not fuck there, but made out or something. Then the day after she kicked me out she went over while his gf was at work so they could screw. Not 24hours later after she had broken up with me, who had taken care of her for so long. She did not tell me this to rub it into my face. She wanted to come clean I guess. But the worst thing about this was what she told me after that confession. She said she knows how bad she treated me over all these years, the things she said to me, the manipulation and all of that and that she had come to the realization, everything she ever told me while she was raging and then took back was what she truly thought of me. That I was no man for her, just a dog following her orders. She had no reason at all to tell me this, I dont know why she did it, but even tough this was 1,5years ago I still think about this every day.I left and wanted to hug my dog one last time. That little thing was so shaken, she wouldnt leave my ex-gfs side, leaving my last interaction with her, her backing away from me and completely refusing to let me touch her. Thinking of this makes me die a little inside. The next day I went over to our flat to get my stuff. I had to go through the laundry basket to get the last of my unwashed clothes out of there and right on top was the thong completely covered in jizz she wore when he fucked her. The nicest present she could have made me to get the hell out of there. Did I mention that the day after she fucked him she actually called me, panicking and asking me whether Id remember the last times she had taken her pill. I had no idea of the other guy at that point and assured her the last time we had sex was a while ago so it woulnt matter.Guess she panicked after he nutted raw in her.The funny thing about this is that this and her cheating was one of the things that kept me from suicide. It was a really close call in all honesty, but even though I was in such a bad shape that I lost 60 pounds in 8 weeks because I could not eat or sleep the last bit of pride kept me alive. I did not want to go out because of some bitch that rather fucked some other cheater than keeping the one that loved her more than himself.Hats off if you made it this far. I will end this on a positive note. Im taken again. Shes wonderful. I have grown as a person so much, I think Im nowhere near the same guy and never will be again. The day my ex saw me updating my relationship status on facebook, she stalked my gf and since you could see the bar shes a waitress at, she was there the very next day checking her out. Accompanied by her coworker of course, who is still with his gf that he cheated on.My ex messaged me lately because covid, wishing me and my family the best after I had not heard from her in about a year. I replied with "thanks, you too." I want to be a good person. Im glad I made it out of this abusive (?) relationship. Will put a tldr at the top and fix typos later.God I miss my dog. via /r/dating_advice

[bristoluni-acs]

Money Management

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfXaKIG3j-shttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfXaKIG3j-shttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfXaKIG3j-s***PLEASE NOTE***: This particular post will continue to be updated when new sources of funding are found. Please do let us know if you find anything of use!

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Student loans dropped 1 month, 14 days, 19 hours and 0 mins ago (and counting). And in that time, you were probably living your best life, not realising (or ignoring the fact) that the next student loan will drop in over 2 months?

In this week’s post, we’ll be focusing on the importance of staying afloat, how to manage your funds and where to get help if needed.

Money tends to be the main source/trigger of a mental health issue. Trying to avoid dealing with it would only just exacerbate your problems., esepcially if you’re stuggling to stay afloat in other aspects of your life. Being a university student, theres a huge debt looming over your head, but it doesnt mean you cant find ways to make things easeier for yourself. 

You may have now noticed that Bristol is acautlly an expensive place to live in, especially with the amount of funding the governemnt gives to students who dont live in London. So, having a good budget and extra sources of income will come along way!

Budgets

Creating a weekly/monthly budget can go a long way. Yes, it may be long and boring, but its not by force to continue a lifestyle of just indomie (I mean indomie bangs, just not for a daily meal for 3 months straight). Heres an example.

Having a budget has many benefits, such as:

·     You’ll have greater control of what comes out of your account

·     You can see where your money is going (them £5 here and there for lunches really do add up)

One of the key issues that many students face is their finances. Having very low income can play a significant part in your overall wellbeing. Therefore, it is very important to keep track of such.

Amending rent plan

Most of you will be in halls and would’ve set up a payment plan with the accommodation office for your rent. You would have noticed that the first payment is significantly higher than the last two payments. This can be amended. If you have already paid the first instalment, but feel that you still need to amend it, you can contact the student funding office and get it sorted. This can be quite helpful as your last student loan payment tends to be the highest out of all three.

Unidays, Totem (NUS extra), Student beans etc.

Make use of these student discounts, they are designed to make student life easier!

Health/Medication

If you know you have to get prescriptions often, there are two options for you. Either get a Pre-Payment certificate (PPC) or “Help with NHS Costs” HC1. PPC is paid for, but in the long run, you’ll save more money if you have to get two or more prescriptions a month. The HC1 form entitles you to free NHS treatment i.e. prescriptions, glasses, dentist etc. The process takes up to 8 weeks but can be very helpful!

Funding your studies:

Getting a Job

You really thought I wasn’t going to mention getting job in a money related post. Obviously, this is good if your contact hours aren’t intense and you can manage, you’re time efficiently (click here for tips). The university has a “temporary staffing service” that is essentially the best for students. They have suitable term time positions if you want to get a job. Have a look at the stores/restaurants Bristol, a lot are looking for staff especially for the Christmas period.

Make SMART use of your student overdraft

This doesn’t mean that go neck deep in overdraft to get those Balenciaga’s...

University bursary

By now you should have received notification on whether you’re entitle to the bursary and how much. you can check on MyBristol>Fees and Funding> Bursary and payments. If not. And you believe you’re are entitled, you can contact the student funding office. On most occasions, if you’re entitled but and haven’t received notification/not showing up in bursary and payments is because you told SFE that they shouldn’t share info about your application with the university. This is how the university assesses if you’re entitled to further funding or not

University loan

The university has set up a scheme where any student can get a loan of up to 350. They are there to help in instances of falling short, but you’ll DEFINITLY have money coming in SOON to help pay back. This should be a last resort, as its money that you HAVE pay back within 30 days. Failure to do so can result interest being added. The first 200 can be given without questions asked, the last 150 or asking for 350 in one go, you’ll have to explain what its for and how you plan to pay it back. Bear in mind, the university can prevent you from sitting your exams if you owe them money. So, like I said before, only do so if you know you’re going to get enough money to cover that and survive i.e. bursary/student loan

Financial assistance fund

This is another scheme the university has set up to help those in need. They aren’t guaranteed and they do assess your outgoing (as in they will like at your bank statements to see where your money is going). The process can take up to 6-8 weeks, but if you’re successful its very helpful!

Sponsors

I’ve heard about stories where students were able to secure funding from firms. But obviously this is if you have solid connections/managed to network effectively

Scholarships/Grants/Bursaries from the university: http://www.bristol.ac.uk/fees-funding/search/

Local authority bursaries and the likes

There are few charities and local councils that offer extra funding for a variety of reasons.  I’ll try to keep this page updated as soon as I find any new sources of funding that may be of help

Londoners!

This section is for you. The list mainly consists of opportunities for students who live in the relevant boroughs.

Barking and Dagenham

https://www.lbbd.gov.uk/financial-support-for-pupils-and-students

Croydon

https://www.croydon.gov.uk/education/adult/financial-support

Greenwhich

https://www.thedrapers.co.uk/Charities/Grant-making-trusts/Sir-William-Boremans-Foundation.aspx

Lewisham

https://www.thedrapers.co.uk/Charities/Grant-making-trusts/Sir-William-Boremans-Foundation.aspx

Southwark

https://www.southwark.gov.uk/jobs-and-careers/southwark-scholarship-scheme

http://localoffer.southwark.gov.uk/youth-offer/money/19-25-education-money/

Scholarships/Grants/Bursarys based on degree

Computer Science

Google: https://www.employ-ability.org.uk/internships/google-europe-scholarship-for-students-with-disabilities-2019/712/

Medicine

NHS student Bursary: http://www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/Students/816.aspx

Law

Denise Coates Scholaship: http://www.bristol.ac.uk/fees-funding/awards/denise-coates/

Other Scholarships/Grants/Bursarys

The Vegetarian Society: http://www.vegetariancharity.org.uk

Graham Trust Bursary Scheme: https://www.foundationscotland.org.uk/programmes/graham-trust/

Leverhulme Charity: https://www.leverhulme-trade.org.uk/grants-undergraduate-study

Yellow Jersey University Triathlon Scholarship: https://www.yellowjersey.co.uk/yellow-jersey-university-triathlon-scholarship/

Scholarships/Grants/Bursaries for International Students

Australia

The Australia Day Foundation UK Trust: https://www.theaustraliadayfoundationuktrust.co.uk/

Canada:

https://www.scotland.org/study/saltire-scholarships

Mackenzie King Memorial Scholarships:

http://www.mkingscholarships.ca/index-e.html

US students:

Those that are here for a semester/short period: https://www.internationalstudentloan.com/study_abroad/

For those who are/will be here for full time: https://www.internationalstudentloan.com/foreign_enrolled/

Saltire Scholarship: https://www.scotland.org/study/saltire-scholarships

Marshall Scholarships: http://www.marshallscholarship.org/

Fulbright Commission: http://www.fulbright.org.uk/going-to-the-uk/postgraduate-student-awards/awards-available

Non Country Specific

(THIS ONE IS TIME SPECIFIC. DEADLINE IS TOMORROW): http://www.chevening.org

Commonwealth scholarship: http://cscuk.dfid.gov.uk

That’s all for this week lovelies.

Remember, a wise man once said “STAY IN YOUR FINANCIAL LANE”. 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfXaKIG3j-s)

Sandra x

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List of available services at University of Bristol, around Bristol and online services. All those with the asterisk (*), means that they have a long waiting list for treatment:

Uni:

Student Wellbeing Service* - they offer counselling, CBT and other services http://www.bristol.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/services/student-wellbeing-service/

Bristol Nightline - a free helpline you can call between 8pm and 8am. If there’s a time you really need to speak to someone, and you’re not comfortable with speaking to a friend, family etc. This service is only over the phone, and it’s for free. They are similar to Samaritans. They are 100% confidential and are run by students.

http://bristol.nightline.ac.uk or 01179 266 266

BigWhiteWall Free service (through the uni)

“It is a digital support and recovery service for people who are stressed, anxious, low or not coping. It provides an anonymous online community who share troubles and support each other.”

http://www.bristol.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/services/big-white-wall/

SHERPa - They offer emotional regulation classes i.e. help you find ways to understand and deal with your emotions. However, they are only accessible via the GP

More help, that is provided by the uni, can be found here:

http://www.bristol.ac.uk/students/wellbeing/services/

Around Bristol:

IAPt* – a directory of NHS backed services in the UK. The link below should take you to all the services available in Bristol

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/Psychological-therapies-(IAPT)/Bristol/Results/1068/-2.588/51.455/10008/2909?distance=25

Online:

Headspace

With headspace, there are several ways to access it:

•    The have a Free version/trial if you don’t want to commit yet

•    The fully paid versions

•    The fully paid version, for free, if you have Spotify premium on the student discount

https://www.spotify.com/uk/headspace/student/

[kawaguardian-blog]

While snacks are great. You know whats better? More meals in a day. Typically 5 to 6. But the difference is smaller meals, more often. Why? A few reasons.

1. Brain food! Your brain doesn’t consume calories or stored fat the same way the rest of your body does. It mainly uses glucose. Which is often in any good source of carbohydrates. Glucose also isnt stored the same as other sources of energy, so it is burned though quicker. This is also why you tend to crave sugar after a long study session or a exam or long lecture. Your brain has eaten up a good portion of its souce and needs to replenish. So highly recommend having a few mashmellows when you feel brain dead after or during study. Reward your self, you just used up a lot of brain energy! This is also why you should have a breakfast. Otherwise your brain is running on pretty much nothing after a long night.

2. Healthier for you. Your body is in a weird stage where its like “ok, you are in good supply, but not over eating (seen as preparation for starvation, stores fat quicker). We going to start using storage more consistently and not store much more”. This is more of a long term effect, and can take a few weeks before it starts to fully effect. But it is better for your body to be at this stage, it can also help with hormonal or mental problems (in my personal experience). Also if you are wanting to shead off those few pounds that you just cant seem to work off, this is the better way to go. It happens slower but it healthier for you overall.

3. You get to eat more variety! The main problem the three meal plan has is that there is only so much of your daily intake of veggies and fruit you can get in one sitting. The 3 fruit, 7 veg doesn’t leave much room for anything else you need in a meal. However if you are having more, but smaller meals; Its much easier because half of it can literally be 1-2 of those serves. Have fruit with or for morning two or three. Half a small plate of salad with half of what ever else you want for noon and after. And you are pretty much covered for your daily recommendations.

4. Less likely to feel hungry. Eating more often means the only time you might feel hungry is because you may have lost track of time and missed your usual eating. So its less of a “in pain while i wait” and more of a “oh right, i need to eat”. Remember that everyone would need to intake different amounts because everyones bodies are different. Taller or larger set people are likey to need more then a short or skinny person, but not always. A small plate is a rough estimate. Play around with the portions everyday to find your intake sweet spot.

The important thing about eating is you should eat for the future. Not the past. Dont eat a bunch because you missed a meal. Eat enough to both satisfy yourself and support yourself till the next meal.

The problem with that and the three meal set intake is that really, we dont have a stomach big enough to last that whole way. Which is why snacking is a thing in the first place.

There is a reason they recommend snacks for young children between main meals. Because their stomachs are smaller yes, but because its setting them up for better growth. Both physically and mentally. Thats why “brain breaks” are becoming a thing in most schools. Eating less, more often is just better and more efficient.

But just because our stomachs are “bigger” as adults. Doesn’t mean we need to fill them, or break from the healthy eating style suggestioned for us as children.

Help yourself! And eat more often!

Another tip is to try drinking water half an hour before eating. It helps with hydration, digestion, and a more comfortable eating experience.

SELF-CARE TIPS FOR COLLEGE

- Have at least 8 glasses of water every day,  don’t forget to eat, and take your medications.

- Energize and take 20 deep breaths every day.

- Love your life every day.

1 - Do what you love: What brings you joy?  What you’re passionate about? Take time to tap into your humanity and your creative side, every day.

2 - Reevaluate where you are in your life. Is this where you want to be?  Shape your own career path.  Academia is not the end all be all for any of us. Think about your short- and long-term goals every day.

3 - Set priorities and boundaries – without apology. Remove toxic people from your life. Block out times to take care of yourself and make self-care just as much of a priority (or perhaps even more so) than other aspects of your life.

4 - Get new role models not role-martyrs. Stop glorifying people who gave it all until there was nothing left a long time ago.  Make your role models people who make time for themselves, for family, and for friendships.

5 - Create a wellness manifesto and community. Hold yourself to this mantra, and check in with a community that keeps you accountable.

6 - Treat yourself A cookie, a cup of coffee will do.

7 - Unplug for a few hours Social media can be fun, but it can be too much of a distraction. Try to unplug your phone, laptop and iPad for an hour. Try to read a book or spend time with friends.

8 - Sleep enough. Your health is important, prioritize yourself.

9 - Spend time outside It helps clear your mind, helps you focus on the positives. You return calmer and more focused.

10 - Be with loved ones. They make you feel better, and give support. You deserve to be surrounded with people who make you happy.

11 - Spend some time by yourself. Everyone is different, you might want to spend time with people, and some time by yourself. Read a book, ride a bike, take a shower, doing things that make you feel like yourself. Admire your accomplishments and celebrate with aromatherapy every day. Hum for short intervals of time every day. It’s very calming and supports heart health.

12 - Add what helps you …

Picture source: Pinterest

[sey2017-blog]

// August 29 2017

To describe the past week and a half? I would say... bipolar. 

I finally finished my first week of work. I met some really good people. David, the 29 year old artist/white guy, Jinny 22, Henny 23, Stella 23, JiHun 23, Jung Hyun 25 were all my mains this week. I had dinner with a girl named JunMin, which was fun and sometimes I walk to work with Mina when I run into her. People in Korea are really kind in terms of helping you out. Stella treats me like her own sister already and I’ve known her a week and a half. If I spill something on my shirt or have wrinkles on my shirt she would help me straighten it out, she introduced me to people that would be good to network with, put in a good word for me at work so I can work in my desired section, and gave me a lot of advice for work- opportunities that I need to take and how to do better than the other interns that are going to come. I JUST met her and she was bending her back doing things I wouldn’t even have thought to do for my acquaintances. She even showed me the best bathroom in the building to poop (without me even asking). She... is the definition of the real MVP. She also called me randomly and we chatted this weekend til 2AM. Jung Hyun Oppa also lent me his portable charger when I was going to fix my phone, tried to trouble shoot my phone, walks me to the station, gives me directions everywhere, etc. I slept over at Jinny’s house and she let me sleep in her bed alone, shower, and even made me breakfast after knowing me for a week. People are just really kind and feel like family fast in Korea as opposed to America where people need some time to become close. 

They are leaving this week and it will just be me and JiHun left for the interns....  I met SO many people! Last thursday I went to an event where all the interns of all offices gathered and talked to the ambassador. More people than I’d meet in a year in Eugene! I also saw this really handsome man that I saw last month but it turns out he works at the US embassy too. I realized I definitely like the dark hair dark eyes tan skin look. It makes me feel good that I met all these nice people and am excited for the interns that will be coming into our office. I also realized that I had been only hanging with people my own age for a long time, andd now that Im with a lot more people in their 20s, age is more negligible than  at other ages. Like how I can have good convos with the guy that’s 29 even though he’s 8 years older, as opposed to if I was 11 and he was 19. I’m going to take it as a true sign of being an adult. 

Working at an embassy is interesting. There is a lot of exclusivity. I can go into areas other people can’t because I have a badge, and I get to escort guests because they can’t go anywhere without an escort. But also, there are a lot of places I don’t have access too, like the Base. The base is where the american diplomats and their families live. I got to go to a party in the base two nights ago and it was interesting because when I mentioned going in the base, my fam/friends were shook and excited because not just anyone is allowed to go. I don’t know how I feel about this exclusivity thing. People are definitely NOT treated as equals, and I think that kind of bugs me. Also, it bothers me that kids of diplomats can just get jobs and get paid for it in the embassy just because they are the kids of the diplomats, while we are out here working for free. Jinny was complaining to me about having to go to work (she lives 10mins away and has a shuttle that takes her which would make it 4 minutes) and she gets paid and does less work, and I just told her to stop complaining. Also her sister was telling me how she works in the embassy and just naps and nobody notices (and she gets paid for it). Jinny joked about her and i skipping work the next day and the other interns said if Sey does that she will get fired!!! and Jinny said oh... I can’t get fired... cuz the Americans view me as their own kid messing up.... because they are also diplomats like my dad. I understand people come from different backgrounds,  but that just didn’t sit quite well with me and just bugs me. It doesn’t make sense that something that’s supposed to be so professional like diplomacy can be run that unfairly (from my point of view). I’m realizing that maybe it isn’t what I thought it was.

When I went to the intern lunch, I saw grad students that were 23, who had passed the FSO exam and would be going to DC in the fall to start their careers as diplomats. At that young age! I was so impressed. Also, listening to the ambassador’s story of travels, diplomacy, and experiencing different cultures, I realized what an important and meaningful job being a diplomat was and it made me more interested in becoming one. Being around people who have accomplished a lot and are going places makes me set my sights even higher and be excited for my career. 

I’ve also been very discouraged as well. My family got annoyed with me and thought I was being rude cuz i was cranky when I napped and didnt eat dinner, and they were passive aggressive with me for a couple days. They aren’t that interested in what I have to say about work, and always seem to be stuck in their own bubbles, which is fine. One night I didnt want to go home because I was annoyed at my fam and I just sat on the swings outside my apartment and had my alone time. I feel like I have to watch my actions at home and at work and can never truly be myself or have alone time. I havent had time to watch TV or my hobbies and even writing this is such a treat for me. I’ve teared up multiple times because I’m so drained from dealing with family, not having enough alone time, being so tired, and I have to take care of myself. It was fine doing it in eugene but here it’s discouraging because they wanted me to stay in this city instead of moving so they could take care of me and they havent been doing that that well. Sometimes they try. yesterday i treated myself at Daiso, an asian dollar tree and I bought stuff that I like and a cute bulletin board to remind me of people who I can be myself around. I put up messages from nomuna, jessy and brenda from nomuna’s birthday gift last year. It was a friendly reminder. 

My family is going on a vacation without me because i cant get the days off. They didnt even talk to me about it they just said... “can u get 11th off?” and i said hesitantly “uhhh....” and then the other aunt said “whatever she cant it’s whatever” so i think im going to be home alone. I got mad at mom last week cuz she wrote me 10 pages on how I should act around my family. She said dont just do ur dishes, do EVERYONE’s dishes. Dont be picky with food, say this to gma, act like this to this aunt, like that to this aunt, blablabla. I got mad at her because I already feel so uncomfortable living with family here because... they seem to care less about my work or day than even my friends back home. It’s just so weird that they are family but are less family than my friends and that’s just so uncomfortable to me and awkward. I was very open at first sharing my day but i can tell they don’t listen attentively and brush things i say off. they DO have their way of showing love, such as calling me when it’s raining LOL (which is useless like wtf r u gonna do by calling). I just miss being myself, and I miss being heard. 

I went to a party on Sunday and it was SUCH a blast!!! Koreans know how to have a good time. We played TONS of games and I won at most of them. :) I also realized how quiet I was compared to other people and thought to myself, “ i am so awkward in group settings”. 

Last friday, I went to Han river with the childhood friend. it was an AMAZING time. We sat on the grass and ate pizza and joked around and took pictures of the city and walked across the bridge of life / suicide bridge and read the quotes. He is probably the only one I truly 100% feel myself around in Korea, and I really like hanging out with him. 

There are also so many couples here. Couples kissing, couples hugging, couples in couple shirts, couple shoes, couple pants, couple hairstyles.... Too many couples. It makes me feel single and I aint even single. I miss bryan a lot too. I just miss having someone there to experience everything with me and knowing all my problems and asking how my day was in person. After being here, I am even more appreciative that I have someone who I can really truly be myself without having to filter myself. It makes me miss home, but in all honesty, I just miss the people.  

Also, I get fat shamed a lot here. By my gma, by a kid in an elevator, basically by random people like aunts too. And i hear a lot of other crap too sometimes, about my personality, about my habits, but fat shaming is the most prominent. The fact that i can hear that stuff and not give a flying f/laugh about it really has shown me i don’t care about what people say and am really confident in who I am, which I think is something good I realized. I truly believe that if you want to go far, you should not be able to let people’s opinions or judgments deter your belief in who you are.

It took a while to write this. But the point is, I miss my friends, but I’m making new ones, staying busy, having fun, trying to treat myself and love myself once in a while, and even if I can’t be myself most of the time, I really am trying to find some alternatives. These past weeks have been so eventful, so busy, and I am so blessed to meet so many good people and to be learning so much. <3 

[bbgleeproject]

[2/7/17, 10:30:56 AM] Ruthie: (*) WILL YOU BE TRYING TO SHOWMANCE ANYONE THIS SEASON? (*) [2/7/17, 10:31:11 AM] julia rae: yes [2/7/17, 10:31:15 AM] julia rae: matthew henning

[2/7/17, 11:07:54 AM] julia rae: who do you guys THINK i should showmance with [2/7/17, 11:11:34 AM] elizabeth: me [2/7/17, 11:12:14 AM] julia rae: ur right

[2/7/17, 11:27:09 AM] julia rae: can you guys give me dares to do in the housechat [2/7/17, 11:27:15 AM] julia rae: like fight someone, call someone out [2/7/17, 11:27:40 AM] julia rae: can i be like a saboteur [2/7/17, 11:28:08 AM] Ruthie: You can call out whoever you want! [2/7/17, 11:28:36 AM] Ruthie: We almost had a saboteur this season but we decided to not. [2/7/17, 11:28:44 AM] elizabeth: i dare u to tell matthew henning you want a showmance

[2/7/17, 11:29:18 AM] julia rae: done [2/7/17, 11:30:40 AM] elizabeth: i dare u to be like nvm rhea wanna be in a showmance

[2/7/17, 12:18:19 PM] julia rae: On 2/7/17, at 12:15 PM, Rhea <3 wrote: > Yes Julia, let's showmance! I just saw your message u mad? [2/7/17, 11:03:20 PM] Ruthie: (*) NICHOLAS WON HOH.  HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT THAT? (*) [2/8/17, 5:31:23 AM] julia rae: i feel very good nicholas and i are best buds

[2/8/17, 8:36:29 AM] julia rae: i wanna fight someone [2/8/17, 8:36:35 AM] julia rae: I'm going to random.org the cast [2/8/17, 8:36:44 AM] julia rae: and then fight the #1 person

[2/8/17, 8:42:05 AM] julia rae: me fighting the hoh? [2/8/17, 8:42:10 AM] julia rae: I will after noms .

[2/9/17, 10:48:07 PM] Ruthie: (*) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NICHOLAS WINNING POV? (*)

(*) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN YOUR CLIQUE? (*) [2/10/17, 3:33:09 AM] julia rae: I feel good about Nicholas winning bc hes prob one of my closest allies and we best buds!! but we've been fake fighting a lot on call so it seems like we don't like each other hehehe [2/10/17, 3:33:35 AM] julia rae: and then the people on my clique are alright, I like andie and julia but like dom is gross

[2/10/17, 9:31:59 PM] julia rae: I wanna fight someone [2/10/17, 9:32:01 PM] julia rae: who should I fight [2/10/17, 9:32:04 PM] julia rae: any suggestions?

[2/11/17, 9:34:08 AM] julia rae: new day [2/11/17, 9:34:11 AM] julia rae: new person to fight [2/11/17, 9:34:22 AM] julia rae: any suggestions? [2/11/17, 9:34:26 AM] elizabeth: me [2/11/17, 9:35:13 AM] julia rae: I think dom's going to go [2/11/17, 9:35:15 AM] julia rae: so I wanna fight him [2/11/17, 9:35:19 AM] julia rae: for no reason

[2/12/17, 10:58:54 AM] julia rae: zach has been really annoying me!! inside and outside of this game!! [2/12/17, 10:59:07 AM] julia rae: so me and matthew henning came up with a plan to get him out this week [2/12/17, 10:59:15 AM] julia rae: I don't feel like dealing with his ass anymore

[2/12/17, 11:03:00 AM] julia rae: ya nic blocked me and I don't know what I did or why [2/12/17, 6:22:35 PM] julia rae: chrissa flirting with julia roxy bc she's picking the hoh? [2/12/17, 6:22:44 PM] julia rae: me: takes notes

[2/13/17, 12:07:34 AM] Ruthie: (lips) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ELIJAH WINNING HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD? (lips) [2/13/17, 4:15:22 AM] julia rae: i feel really good we're pals so he ain't gonna nom me [2/13/17, 4:18:23 AM] julia rae: he's also my showmance [2/13/17, 4:18:35 AM] julia rae: insert finn and quinn gif

[2/13/17, 10:47:26 AM] julia rae: yes [2/13/17, 10:47:29 AM] julia rae: love elijah [2/13/17, 10:47:38 AM] julia rae: and I heard hes putting up colin/zach [2/13/17, 10:47:43 AM] julia rae: and that's good w me

[2/15/17, 1:17:27 PM] julia rae: I HAVENT BEEN IN MY DR SINCE MONDAY!!!! [2/15/17, 1:17:36 PM] julia rae: WHO SHOULD I FIGHT [2/15/17, 1:17:39 PM] julia rae: give me a name

[2/15/17, 6:33:42 PM] julia rae: so apparently I'm being backdoored, which I don't really care about since I KNOW I'm staying [2/15/17, 6:34:36 PM] julia rae: like I have Nicholas, veronica, colin, zach, andie, julia, matthew, Sydney for SURE as votes and they WONT flip on me [2/15/17, 6:34:49 PM] julia rae: Elijah is so stupid because me and all my friends will go after him [2/15/17, 6:34:51 PM] julia rae: so like??? [2/15/17, 6:34:59 PM] julia rae: hes going to be evicted next week [2/15/17, 6:35:46 PM] julia rae: but in a way, I hope he does nominate me [2/15/17, 6:35:54 PM] julia rae: ive been wanting to fight someone for so long

[2/15/17, 8:54:11 PM] julia rae: IM SOOOOO HAPPY [2/15/17, 8:55:00 PM] julia rae: OKAY SO ELIJAH IS GOING DOWN [2/15/17, 8:55:04 PM] julia rae: THE VOTES I HAVE FOR SURE [2/15/17, 8:55:07 PM] julia rae: NICHOLAS [2/15/17, 8:55:11 PM] julia rae: VERONICA [2/15/17, 8:55:14 PM] julia rae: ZACH [2/15/17, 8:55:15 PM] julia rae: ANDIE [2/15/17, 8:55:18 PM] julia rae: MADISON [2/15/17, 8:55:19 PM] julia rae: MATTHEW [2/15/17, 8:55:21 PM] julia rae: COLIN [2/15/17, 8:55:25 PM] julia rae: AND IM STILL TALKING TO PEOPLE [2/15/17, 8:55:31 PM] julia rae: BUT IT SHOULD BE AN EASY VOTE [2/15/17, 8:55:40 PM] julia rae: AND BOTH ME AND ANDIE ARE STILL IN THE GAME [2/15/17, 8:55:42 PM] julia rae: GOD BLESS MADISON

[2/15/17, 8:57:12 PM] julia rae: UPDATE [2/15/17, 8:57:17 PM] julia rae: I HAVE SYDNEYS VOTE [2/15/17, 8:59:25 PM] julia rae: I CANT BELIEVE THE HOGS GONE WILD PREMADE LIVES ANOTHER DAY

[2/15/17, 10:37:45 PM] julia rae: also I'm not very worried about Elijah and chrissa campaigning against me [2/15/17, 10:37:50 PM] julia rae: not to be mean [2/15/17, 10:37:57 PM] julia rae: but they are both not very smart [2/15/17, 10:38:36 PM] julia rae: so I could definitely manipulate and be able to control the others more than they will be able to

[2/16/17, 8:16:00 AM] julia rae: ok so this is the first time i've ever been nominated early in a game [2/16/17, 8:16:17 AM] Ruthie: :( [2/16/17, 8:16:18 AM] julia rae: and like,,, i understand why i'm not i'm so good at campaigning why [2/16/17, 8:16:20 AM] julia rae: wow

[2/16/17, 8:16:32 AM] julia rae: i think the vote should be 9-2 [2/16/17, 8:16:35 AM] julia rae: wooooo [2/16/17, 8:22:47 AM] julia rae: okay so matthew told me he's for sure voting to keep me and he's been campaigning for me nicholas is keeping me and he told me once he's out of his exam he has info to tell me andie is campaigning to keep me veronica, zach, sydney said they're all keeping me madison said she's keep me (which would make sense she did renom chrissa and i am in an alliance with her) julia told me she's keeping me and also told matthew rhea told me she'll think about keeping me but matthew told me she got her vote nic doesn't even have me as a FUCKING CONTACT SO FUCK HIM and then colin said he'd keep me but i think he has chrissa vote but whatever

[2/16/17, 8:31:28 AM] julia rae: i'm so stressedt but i think once andie campaigns to everyone i should be good [2/16/17, 8:42:33 AM] julia rae: connor capps voice i don't go prejury

[2/16/17, 8:07:01 PM] julia rae: okay so there were 4 votes to evict me which is kinda sus??? [2/16/17, 8:10:00 PM] julia rae: I hope rhea knows for not keeping me I'm going after her [2/16/17, 8:10:12 PM] julia rae: if I win hoh, I'm nominating Elijah and nic with rhea as a backdoor [2/16/17, 8:10:13 PM] julia rae: sooo

[2/16/17, 8:52:29 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (*) How do you feel about Chrissa leaving? Do you think there will be a buyback? How important is HOH? (*) [2/16/17, 9:27:35 PM] julia rae: okay it pisses me off that in every game I play with rhea I try so hard to work with her and be loyal to her and I literally campaigned to her for HOURS and she still didn't keep me?? every fucking game for some reason rhea is always after me and it pisses me off because she had no reason to keep chrissa, like I sent her PARAGRAPHS on reasons why she should keep me and why I'm a good ally. its just so annoying because I'm always loyal to her in games and it fucks me up. so I'm not trusting rhea at all and shes just going to be a useless pawn ill nominate every time I'm hoh because god knows she probably wont win a comp [2/16/17, 10:38:34 PM] julia rae: okay literally fuck veronica. she's so fucking annoying and she's so hypocritical and problematic and she voted me out because i "attacked" elijah??? but what gets me mad is that she literally lied to my FACE and lied to literally all of my friends faces that she was voting to keep me and it's just so sketchy because i know she's working with elijah and nic and she was apart of the plan to backdoor me and andie bc she REFUSED not to use the veto and that's so sus i'm jsut so mad like i deadass thought she was my friend?? and for her to literally lie to me and then fight me about it makes me upset and mad like i didn't do anything to her and i've been and was going to be nothing but loyal but obviously not anymore

[2/16/17, 10:40:43 PM] julia rae: i'm not even going to bring up the amount of personal attacks she's made on people for no REASON

[2/16/17, 11:05:48 PM] julia rae: i'm glad i have andie in this game bc without him i'd feel completely alone so woo

[2/17/17, 10:25:01 PM] julia rae: PHEW IM SAFE [2/17/17, 10:25:15 PM] julia rae: AND ANDIE IS GOING TO NOM ELIJAH AND VERONICA SO IM SO HAPPY

[2/18/17, 12:42:27 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (*) WITH SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE HOUSE WHO DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST?? WHO IS DEFINITELY NOT TRUST WORTHY??? (*) [2/18/17, 12:59:44 PM] julia rae: phew i gotta lot to say for that question i'll answer in a sec [2/18/17, 2:03:24 PM] Ruthie: okay (party) [2/18/17, 2:08:55 PM] julia rae: okay so I know I definitely cannot trust veronica, colin, Elijah, nic and somewhat rhea. I don't know what I did to any of them for them all to hate me but its whatever. I probably trust andie the most and then I somewhat trust Nicholas and matthew hennning. I know Nicholas wouldn't betray me until at least jury but what worries me is that hes close to veronica and probably reports everything I say back to her which is kinda scary. I need to talk to him to get his true opinions about the whole veronica situation bc I'm pretty sure he feels cautious of what he says around her. but ya for now I'm going to stick with andie/matthew/Nicholas and hopefully I can get closer to Madison/zach and have them rly trust me soon

[2/18/17, 3:37:10 PM] julia rae: okay so like andie is going insane [2/18/17, 3:37:34 PM] julia rae: which is kinda good for me bc it takes the target off my back but people are seeing us as a duo [2/18/17, 3:38:02 PM] julia rae: so imma need to distance myself from him a bit and just look like I’m alone and then maybe people will feel bad for me and not target tme

[2/21/17, 11:57:12 AM] julia rae: update: i made a deal with colin that if i vote to keep him we won't go after each other AND i made up with veronica so i think i'm in the clear as of now

[2/21/17, 8:05:39 PM] julia rae: i'm in the car with my DAD I DONT HAVE TIME TO DO THIS WHAT THE HECK [2/21/17, 8:05:51 PM] julia rae: whatever i don't need an advantage to be successful . [2/21/17, 9:19:05 PM] julia rae: can I do hoh now

[2/22/17, 10:53:52 AM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (party) WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON SUES TAKEOVER??? (party) [2/22/17, 1:20:20 PM] julia rae: eh I definitely think itll benefit me in a way, since my clique wasn't that helpful since I'm good with both roxy and andie so even if they were in power id be safe either way I think [2/22/17, 1:20:35 PM] julia rae: but I think its good for me

[2/22/17, 6:52:13 PM] julia rae: the songs that describe the hosts are brave honest beautiful and dope by 5h (inlove) [2/22/17, 6:53:44 PM] julia rae: ill do the other two when i have a computer

[2/23/17, 4:20:30 PM] julia rae: I'm going to go on a rant about rhea bc I was thinking about this last night and it rly PISSED me off. so I never did ANYTHING to this bitch to make her not trust me. literally in johto I was a loyal ass hoe to her and she knew it. she was the one who BACKSTABBED ME and if anything I should not trust her, but no shes so "afraid" of me and its so annoying because I literally haven't done shit to her in this game OR in johto. another thing that pisses me off about her is that she acts like her vote is so IMPORTANT LIKE BITCH THERES LIKE WHAT 12 PEOPLE LEFT?? YOUR VOTE DOESNT REALLY MATTER. she was acting like her voting me out was such a "big" move but OBVIOUSLY THE VOTES WERENT THERE LOL. it pisses me off that this game is filled with idiots. like colin, veronica, nic, AND rhea all knew I was staying and they didn't even try to get me out. they voted me out to piss me off and it fucking worked. like that's so annoying why would you vote in the minority if you KNEW THE VOTES WERENT THERE ???? hello??? I swear 60% of the people in this game don't have BRAINS. also I DONT KNOW WHY IM SEEN AS SUCH A BIG THREAT??? I HAVE DONE NOTHING IN THIS GAME OTHER THEN FIGHT ELIJAH FOR NOMINATING ME. which by the way, was also incredibly stupid bc he pissed off me AND MY FRIENDS??? AND I STILL STAYED???? like I'm not staying I have that much power in this game but I kinda do, like the people who went against me are now my friends/alliances target. ugh people annoy me [2/23/17, 4:22:45 PM] julia rae: also news flash: RHEA SUCKS AT GAMES AND SHES NOT A MASTER MIND!!! ALL SHE DOES IS DO WHAT PEOPLE TELL HER TO DO, AND IF SHE DOES MAKE HER OWN DECISION ITS USUALLY SO STUPID. IVE HOSTED HER IN GAMES AND I KNOW HOW SHE ACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING. UGH SHES SO ANNOYING I CANT WAIT UNTIL I WIN HOH AND PUT HER ASS UP :- )

[2/23/17, 9:51:32 PM] Ruthie: WHO DO YOU THINK WON THE MOST RECENT ADVANTAGE? ;)

[2/23/17, 10:00:51 PM] julia rae: I HAVE NO IDEA!!

[2/24/17, 10:03:41 PM] Ruthie: (Party) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WILL DO WITH THE GOLDEN POWER OF VETO? (party) [2/24/17, 10:05:04 PM] julia rae: hehe I'm deff going to use it on matthew and hopefully talk zach into backdooring roxy (party)

[2/27/17, 2:29:03 AM] julia rae: i'm going to make a music video staring my cat it's going to be so great get ready [2/28/17, 5:01:18 AM] julia rae: its uploading right now [2/28/17, 5:01:28 AM] julia rae: y’all better appreciate it i spent 1.29 buying a song

[3/2/17, 1:37:06 PM] julia rae: isn’t it funny how the 4 people who evicted me (+elijah) is going to be evicted back to back to back to back to back? it’s going to happen. [3/2/17, 1:37:16 PM] julia rae: no one FUCKS with me. [3/2/17, 1:37:20 PM] julia rae: FUCK you rhea.

[3/3/17, 9:21:24 PM] AshleySarah ~Glee Host~: (party) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MADISON BEING BACK IN THE HOUSE? (party) [3/3/17, 9:23:43 PM] julia rae: honestly thats probably one of the best things that could've happened. I don't think shes after me and I could easily manipulate her

[3/4/17, 1:34:09 AM] julia rae: I DONT HAVE ANYTHING MICKEY MOUSE [3/4/17, 3:05:16 AM] julia rae: THIS IS RIGGED [3/4/17, 3:05:21 AM] julia rae: YALL ARE IN KAHOOTS WITH SYDNEY [3/4/17, 3:05:26 AM] julia rae: AND DOING THINGS SHE HAS [3/4/17, 3:05:31 AM] julia rae: THAT I DONT.

[3/4/17, 3:07:19 AM] julia rae: DO SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE [3/4/17, 3:07:27 AM] julia rae: SYDNEY CANT CATCH UP!!!!!! [3/4/17, 1:16:15 PM] julia rae: ive given up I'm so tired and don't have the energy to run [3/4/17, 1:16:23 PM] julia rae: sydneys going to win so I'm cool with that [3/4/17, 1:16:26 PM] julia rae: we both hate rhea

[3/5/17, 10:05:38 AM] Ruthie: (Party) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT COLIN AND SYDNEY BEING CO-HOH THIS WEEK? (party) [3/5/17, 8:47:56 PM] julia rae: honestly I love Sydney but idk what colin will do as a renom so I just have to hope andie doesn't win pov

[3/7/17, 11:39:26 AM] Ruthie: (Lips) WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR FAVORITE AND LEAST FAVORITE COMPETITION THIS SEASON? (lips) [3/7/17, 11:39:59 AM] julia rae: all of them

[4/7/17, 3:44:57 AM] julia rae: dr from jury: I’m rly glad zachs in jury, if tho i was rooting for him i don’t feel so alone anymore<3