#and i am still stuck where i was 6 years ago. and I'll never be able to be out and transition like that
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#allow me to keep hatred envy and poison in my heart for a minute#you know that earthshattering intense friendship you have as a queer teenager that ends badly and haunts you for the rest of your life?#my one of those was between me and another trans guy#i haven't spoken to him in like 6 years. but i have just seen a photo of him and it made me feel murderous#because he came out to his parents while we were friends. and now he has clearly been on T for a while#and i am still stuck where i was 6 years ago. and I'll never be able to be out and transition like that#and after everything he did to me i just cannot bring it upon myself to be happy for him.#that should fucking be me.
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Looped Sun 2
Loop #16
They didn't stop looping in time, but at least they had eachother. Grian had to admit that it was almost fun with Scar around, definitely felt less lonely with someone else to talk to.
Loop #19
It took 3 loops for Scar to suggest having some fun with this, spice it up. Grian hadn't expected stealing Martyns and Ren bit would be their objective this time but he didn't mind. Getting to be king and screaming "red winter is coming" was actually quite funny and being all shady in Last Life was nice too. As Secret Life comes to an end Scar whispers.
Scar: Alright alright, let me be king next time ok?
Grian laughs at the suggestion just in time for-
Loop #21
Grian had noticed soon that not every loop started the same exact day a while ago but he never expected to wake up already during Limited Life.
Surely things couldn't get weirder then that.
Loop #26
He spoke too soon. This time around he woke up as he was singing a piece of paper, a declaration of indipendence, while wearing a very weird blue american indipendence outfit together wih people he had never met before.
He just went along with it of course and fighting against a weird masked guy for indipendence had been a breath of fresh air but Scar was still missing and Grian was very confused the whole time.
Well until ...
Scar: Thank you Soot, however I think that I could run this country far better!
Grian: Scar? Where were you!? ... What are you doing!?
Scar: That's why I'm going to run myself! Vote for Scar 2020!
To be fair it took some times for things to go badly.
Grian: This is your fault you know that right?
Scar: Hey! Look! At least the country didn't explode or something-
*Boom*
Grian: ...
Scar: ...that wasn't me.
Loop #31
Grian: Damn I didn't bring enough tnt to rig the enchanter. How did I forget??
Scar: Don't worry! I got some!
Grian: Oh thank... where did you get it?
Scar: I kept it in my second inventory from last loop.
Grian: Your what?
Scar: We have a second inventory now! Didn't you notice!
Grian: I see it now ...how?
Scar: It keeps stuff safe from one loop to the other! Cool right!?
Grian: ... Like an enchanting table? But for loops?
Scar: I guess?
Grian: How are you not freaking out about this!?!
Loop #33
This time they woke up early, back in season 6! Grian doesn't understand why Scar doesn't care because he does! Why can't someone explain it to him for ender sake.
Loop #36
Someone explained it. He and Scar woke up somewhere completely different and it was confusing and scary but they finally got answers.
Grian: So our universe is part of a big big big tree?
Anakin: Yes, like every other.
Grian: And the tree is what, under maintenance?
Anakin: Basically.
Grian: And so we are stuck looping?
Anakin: You don't need to pretend to be calm, I can feel your emotions in the force.
Grian: So... we are stuck? Forever?!?
Anakin: Not forever forever, until the tree is fixed-
Grian: So possibly for billions of years!?!
Anakin: Some of the older loops have been going for trillions even.
Grian: ... I'll... I...need to think.
Anakin: I'll write some useful terms down so you can read them once you aren't... You know.
Grian: Guess I have all the time in the world to come to terms with it... Scar is going to hate that he didn't get to meet you.
Loop #37
Scar: ....soooo what you up to?
Grian: Memorising these terms Anakin gave us.
Scar: Ooh sounds...fun!
Grian: Every loop has an anchor, without it the loop can't exist. I tought I was the anchor but it's not possible because I was sent to a different loop last tims.
Scar: So am I the anchor?
Grian: You were missing for the first loops Scar... the only option that makes sense is that both of us are anchors. But even then...
Grian underlines the term "co-anchors" a bunch of times.
Scar: Does that mean I'll get to meet Anakin Skywalker?
Grian: Probably? One day?
Scar: Wooooho!
Loop #38
They were waiting for the moon to crash when Scar posed the question.
Scar: Do you think we can just... stop the moon?
Grian: Hmmm... I guess I never tought about it, why?
Scar: I don't know, just thinking.
Grian: I have an idea...
Loop #43
Scar: Grian what are you doing?
Grian: You remember how last loop started in s7?
Scar: ... Yeah?
Grian: I decided to keep something in my pocket this time around.
Grian took out a golden gauntlet with 6 colored glowing stones.
Scar: ... The button?
Grian: The button.
Grian snapped and the moon disappeared.. He then carefully removed and pocketed it again.
Grian: Well, I'm surprised it actually...worked...
Scar: But what happened to it?
Grian: I just made it really really small.
Loop #51
This was unbearable, Grian tought it was weird when this loops Timmy was acting like an incapable child, then he became worried when he saw that Scott was a pacifist who wouldn't hurt a fly, and then Cleo started burning down literally everything and he started to question his life choices. Everyone was barely themselves, it was like they had been replaced by very cheap imitations.
(Poor Grian had to walk into fanonland)
Loop #67
Scott Smajor liked to think he was often in control of the situation. Not many people liked that about him but if he died it was by his decision.
He didn't feel very in control at the moment, back in the Last Life with Grian and Scar being completely different from what he remembered them being... And he didn't like it one bit.
Scott: Ok ok, stop it!
Grian: What do you mean? We aren't doing anything wrong!
Scott: It isn't right! You are supposed to be in a team with Jimmy and Martyn and you Scar should be alone on a mountain!
Scar: ...
Grian: ...
Scott: ... Sorry that was-
Grian: You remember too?
Scar: New looper! New looper!
Scott: ...uh?
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Writer Interview Tag
I was tagged by @tavyliasin a pretty long time ago to do this, but I figured I'd finally get to it. Thank you so much for tagging me Lia, I'll try to answer these questions to the best of my abilities! Your interview was as delightful as it was insighting to read. I tag @miradelletarot and @likethelightfromorionabove. But no pressure to fill this at all! This text contains some descriptions of mental illness, and some pretty personal stuff. I don't get into the nitty-gritty of these subjects, but I still wanted to give a heads-up.
When did you start writing?
I cannot really put an exact date to when I started to write to be exact - as I have been imagining and writing stories for as long as I can remember. I know when I was a little child I was writing down stories even though I could barely make an interesting string of words. Unsurprisingly enough, they were about horror and fantastical creatures. So not much has changed in that regard.
Although writing has never been my #1 passion, that goes to drawing. But it has been a constant in my entire life with intervals. Before I actively started writing fanfiction I hadn't written anything creatively for over 6 years I believe! Before that I always tried to create original stories with original characters.
Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?
This is a hard question to answer, as I have such a hard time reading in comparison to writing. I have ADHD, and either have to struggle to even attempt to finish a page in a book, or read a 500 page novel in one go. There's no in between! Although I have noticed I like to read the same themes and genres as I write about, even if it is to learn about said themes and genres and how to write them. I do have a whole collection of books, but they're mostly about art, art history, plants, nature, flowers, and some comics. Other than that I really like to get more into Warhammer 40k novels, mostly because I really like dark fantasy/sci-fi. I also really want to read more fantasy erotica books, horror (gore, paranormal, and anything that sends chills down my spine), and anything about real life mysteries!
Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?
Sometimes I say that the things I want to write about are far above my actual writing skills. This rings true for this question as well - as many of my writing friends know, English isn't my native language even though that's the language I write my stories in. I feel like I am far better at conveying my thoughts and emotions into writing in the English language rather than Dutch (and I think it's kinda cringy to write fanfiction in my native tongue to be honest). But this does mean my vocabulary can be lacking any diverse words at times, and grammar can be confusing at times. Thankfully I have a space where people want to help me out, and that thesaurus.com is free.
With that being said, I don't really aim to emulate any other writers. I have come across some amazing writers who post on AO3 who inspire me, but for now I'd like to hone my writing skills and see where my style takes me.
Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?
I have my own 'work' room in my home I used to write from, but ever since busting my knee even further last May I have found myself to be far more comfortable on the couch so I can keep my leg straight. It also happens to be the calmest place during the times I tend to write the most - which ranges from 8 pm to the early morning hours. But for my own sake I try to not keep it as late as I used to the past few months. Mainly because I don't want to mess up my biological clock too much while I'm stuck at home healing from surgery as of right now.
What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?
It really depends on my mood, what's happening in my personal life, and how inspired I feel at the same time. I always try to make myself as comfortable as I can, and tend to my needs first; am I too hot? Too cold? Do I have coffee, am I hydrated enough, and aren't there too many distractions around me? Sometimes, when I really want to write but feel like I can't I sometimes take my ADHD medication which does the trick. But I only take it if I am sure I feel good both mentally and physically as it can have averse effects if I don't.
Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?
Trauma, angst, inner conflict, and even more trauma! Trauma comes in many forms, expressions, and manifestations. And I am not surprised at all I am writing about it. I am surprised about how much catharsis I experience from writing it, and how often I ended up writing about these themes. You might not be shocked to read that I suffer from C-PTSD and anxiety with some depression on the side. I have dealt with mental illness and traumatic events for most of my life, and it feels like I have some form of control and acceptance if I write about them in my own writing, especially in my fanfiction. With that being said, I have never really written my own specific traumatic events into my writing as that's a bit too much. But they often fall in the same themes, like SA, physical and emotional abuse from family, witnessing horrible events, self-destruction, manipulation, and having to make awful decisions in order to protect yourself. I relate heavily to them, and in some ways it gives me some closure.
What is your reason for writing?
The biggest reason is that I felt this growing need and compulsion to write something specifically I wanted to read about. I have always written for myself, and will continue to do so. This rings especially true for fanfiction, which is also a reclamation for my own wants and needs. I have always wanted to write fanfiction, but for the longest time it was labeled as cringe and stupid in the circles I found myself in. I was so shy and embarrassed of what I wanted to write (and draw) about, so I have never truly been active in a fandom. I was a lurker at most, too scared to show where my imagination and creativity takes me about certain characters - let alone about my own OC's. But thankfully I grew far more comfortable in that ever since stepping foot in the BG3 community, where your OC is literally a part of the story if you want them to be! I remember @tavyliasin and some others literally had to beg me to link them to Weeping Willow as I was so scared of judgement even though I very well know they wouldn't ever make fun of me. Ever since then I have become what one might describe as unhinged in a sense. I have reclaimed being cringe, and happily yap about my oc's, canon characters, in any smutty, angsty and dumb scenario I can come up with. I am not hurting anyone, and I am having fun. And that's what's most important.
But I do admit I still sometimes struggle with the embarrassment of writing fanfiction. I still sometimes get laughed at by friends outside of the internet when I tell them about it, along with being made fun of because of it. But I try to stand my ground, always saying that they can laugh what they want, and rather make them feel weird for making fun of me having fun. It is still a process, but it is a part of reclaiming my love for myself and thus claiming space for myself.
Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?
Honestly? My work doesn't get that much attention at all, so when it does I am beyond elated and often screenshot and save any comments I get on AO3, discord, or tumblr to look back on. But I especially love any comments from readers who are as unhinged about my writing as I am - give me all the caps lock and keysmashing!!
How do you want to be thought about by your readers?
Like I said before, I don't have a lot of readers. But I do hope that those who do actively read my work think "Wow, this person really cares about the characters they write about.". I want them to remember me by my passion, weather that's from a heartbreaking scenario, an insanely detailed smut chapter, or something that sparks fire of anger within them as they read about it. That despite my shortcomings in language and ability to describe what I see in my head, they see the love and effort I put into it.
What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?
Like I mentioned in the previous question, I truly believe my passion for wanting to put the images I have floating in my head into words to share it with others is what I think is my greatest strength. I never really try to leave anything for the imagination. Aside from that, I think my other strength is that I try no matter my shortcomings. I have heard before that I am very much persevering when it comes to my goals.
When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?
While I always try to keep in mind what a potential reader might like to read, I usually stick to what I want to read about. As I mentioned before, I started writing again for me, and to reclaim it as a form of self-love.
How do you feel about your own writing?
Honestly? I often feel like I suck at writing, no matter the love I put into it. Even though I know I have improved massively (sometimes I reread the very first chapter of Weeping Willow to see how far I've come), I never feel good enough. I am aware that that's because I'm insanely critical of myself to a torturous degree - something I have to overcome as well. I often feel like I "might as well not do it if I am not the best at something" knowing very well I am never going to be the best at anything as that's not how the world works. But that takes me back that I'm doing this for myself, not for a prestigious title, an award, or recognition from those at the top in this field of writing. Although I do admit I love any validation I get. But reminding myself that I'm doing this for myself, that there is no repercussions if I quit except for regret and that same need to realise my stories into actualisation that made me write in the first place. So I have to keep going, so I won't drive myself crazy with the sense of unfulfilment.
Thank you so much for reading if you've come this far, I feel like these questions were very much needed to remind myself why I'm writing and received motivation to get over any blockades I have as of now. So sad I'm too tired to write right now though :')
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Online Grimoire/journal Page 2
Page 2 is yet another tarot reading. I feel like tarot is maybe the first step that is easy enough for me to do in my witchy practice and then post here. I find it beneficial to journal, but sometimes journaling is hard because without knowing what I'm feeling, how am I supposed to write about anything? I succumbed to that Zenful Note Tiktok shadow work book. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but still not entirely helpful from a current self-care place. Obviously it's a shadow work book, so it's more past focused but right now I don't think I need to try to understand my past. Not quite yet. I will eventually, but to be able to understand my past self I need to understand my current self.
4 years ago, I thought Tarot wasn't super necessary to self care or witchery in general. It seemed hard, and it kind of is, but now that I've taken a couple days to actually consider it and try it, I think it's going to be extremely beneficial for me to be able to help myself, as someone just now coming back into things.
Tonight was my first tarot reading in very long time, aside from my Getting To Know Your Deck reading. (<-link if you're curious)
Let's get right into it! <3
I looked up some self care Tarot spreads but none of them seemed right for my personal needs currently, so I created my own little three card spread. I'm using the Antique Anatomy Tarot deck for this!
At what point did my life [get to where it is now] and less caring for myself?
The Moon - Pisces - 9 - Blue
Key words: Preparation, mastery, wisdom, introspection, dreams, calm, sadness, grief, boredom, illusion, unknown, deception.
My interpretation: By the looks of it, it seems like by pulling the Moon, the deck is trying to tell me that there are many things that have happened over the past couple years that could've contributed to the way I am today, but that I shouldn't place blame on one singular thing, especially if me asking this question means i'm trying to put majority blame on anyone who isn't me. But aside from that, in 2021 I had a friend commit suicide, and for a very long while I grieved that. Not too long after, I got into a relationship with, you guessed it, a Pisces. The relationship did cause me a lot of personal sadness, he wanted things I wasn't ready for, and I did things I regretted out of boredom in the relationship. Both of those are things I could pinpoint of where it sort of started, between grieving and friend, grieving a part of myself I lost because of a relationship I was in, and then grieving a part of myself I wasn't proud of/never knew of because of that same relationship.
Interestingly enough, the word "mastery" came up, which only stuck out to me because I agreed to join a team of people to "master" a hobby I enjoyed, which has inevitably added even more stress into my life and caused me to fall a little deeper than I would've if I hadn't agreed to do that.
2. If I continue the way I am, what can I expect from my future?
3 of Elixirs - Water - 3 - Purple
Key words: expansion, groups, growth, nurture, mystery, dreams, prophecy, high power, connection, social pleasure, gathering, good times
My interpretation: Ha Ha Ha. You know this isn't what I meant. Or, maybe you genuinely didn't know, maybe next time I'll have to be more specific. If I continue the way I am, of course I'll gain more "friends", be in a bunch of different groups of people, have more social pleasures, connections, and good times, but at what cost was the real question? Maybe by not giving me an answer directly, the deck is trying to tell me that I haven't put anything at risk quite yet. Maybe I am overthinking, or I have anxiety, or I believe I've hit a level that I haven't yet. Maybe I really will just have fun and a good time.
3. What, if anything, needs to change for me to better care for myself?
Knight of Blades - Air - 6 - Black
Key words: fairness, solution, values, witty, fair, inventive, fear, power, mystery, pain, assertive, arrogant, quick witted, severe, impatient, argumentative.
The Knight, as a person: Assertive, [manipulative?], typically friendly but if insulted, temper can be severe.
The Knight, as a situation: Rapid change, "seize the day", easy to get swept into the madness. You can do anything as long as you keep a clear mind. Be self-assured, but try not to cross into arrogance.
My Interpretation: Yeeeeeah. This is about me. It's gotta be, I can't think of anybody else in my daily consistent life who is like this except for me. Also, the element here is Air which I have a very air dominant chart. It only makes sense that this is me. Which, given the question I asked, makes sense. What needs to change for me to be able to take better care of myself? I need to be able to practice my assertiveness without being aggressive. The 2 go hand in hand for me. To be able to continue to do the things I'm doing that I'm scared are hurting me, I need to be able to keep a clear mind, keep my values in order, keep my power over these things or else I'll just continue to hold on to this fear and become worse than I already am. I don't exactly know how I need to do that, but it seems like when I figure it out, it needs to be rapid. No more being patient and slow with myself, rapid changes seem to be the way the deck is telling me to go...as long as I don't get swept away into the madness of what I already have going on, or swept away in the madness that rapid changes may trigger if I go that route...hm.
This reading was necessary for me to be able to confirm things I was already halfway considering. While I didn't get a lot of help on the roads I need to take, I have a clearer idea of why I may need to go certain ways than others. Granted, my questions were slightly open ended, less asking for direct guidance and more asking about why things are the way they are. Maybe the next time I come back to the topic of this reading, I'll ask better questions about more specific guidance. Also, the deck said it was going to be real and not sugar coat things to me and I see what it means now. Very nice, Antique Anatomy. Well played and thank you <3
Thank you to anyone who read this as well. See you next time! I promise not everything I do will be tarot related, but right now this is the easiest way to get back into my practice. <3
#witchcraft#witch#wicca#green witch#kitchen witch#pagan#witchblr#witches#tarot#baby witch#tarot spread#tarot reading#self care#witchy#witch craft#beginner witch#eclectic witch#pagan witch#witchcore#witch community#witchcraft 101#baby pagan#hellenic pagan#paganism#divination#tarot deck#tarot cards#tarotcommunity#tarotblr#cartomancy
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Burnout or love?
Tumblr looks different now, but I'm still the same. Still working in academia, doing phytoplankton stuff, but not in Japan. I move back to the UK in December 2021 after getting offered a postdoc in Liverpool. Hopefully in January, I'll start my permanent job at the National Oceanography Centre - as a marine biogeochemical model developer. Funny how 11 years ago, I had my first interview to be an Oceanography student. Now I'm going to work there. Time flies..
Life in Japan was quite miserable. I cheated on my (now ex) boyfriend with a colleague. It was a short affair too, but he ended our relationship. I tried making new friends, but I feel sort of worthless that girls in Japan are all very skinny and very prim and proper. I stopped eating breakfast, which spiralled into not eating anything. I ran 5k every evening, and swam 3k 3x a week. I have never felt this pretty before, but everyone said I looked like a holocaust survivor. I still love my job, but I hated everyone (apart from my boss) there. So I need a way out, and I ended up applying for a postdoc with this famous professor, and thanks to divine intervention I got the post. My mother said I am allowed to move back to the UK if I got to normal BMI, so I tried. I even got myself a psychiatrist and a cocktail of mind altering drugs. I just cant stand being surrounded by skinny Japanese girl, so I tried my best. Eventually, I got back to normal bmi after 5 months, and I also got my (ex) boyfriend back, but not for long.
The first year in Liverpool was fun, I get to do 3D and very complex model with many state variables, and different nutrients and plankton component. People were impressed with what I have done, until I joined a cruise from the Falkland Islands back to Southampton in February 2022. It was a 6 week cruise. My (then) boyfriend wasnt keen on me joining the cruise but I enjoyed it a lot. I love the routine, and seeing different plankton swimming about, talking to different scientists, and do yoga almost every day. I have never felt like a scientist before. Almost every day I strive to do my best.
However, after the cruise, I feel like something snapped, and I cannot do science anymore. I feel like it's hard to go back to the normal routine of looking at model output and wondering what might be going on in 2100, under RCP8.5 scenario. My brain fried so hard I think I failed every task. My boss even snapped at me for not being able to ask the 'big picture question'. Perhaps I'm a bad scientist from the beginning and its just somehow lots of people have been carrying me around. I feel like everything is blank and bleak. Maybe I should quit science?
I started getting my 'consciousness' back a few months ago, and only started to grasp what is happening after repeatedly being told off by my boss (what a man with infinite patience). I am starting to grasp what I can do and slowly crawling back into the depths of hell. However, since I know my boss is not keen on me as a postdoc, I decided that I have to leave. So I apply for a different job, a permanent one, and a job where I, hopefully, does not need to ask big picture question. I like getting stuck in and do the coding, and plot my results so I can brainstorm with others to see what is wrong with plankton? Why are things happening like this? I suppose I will never be at my boss' calibre.
Now everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive. I'm starting to hate going to the office and make small talk. I used to enjoy swimming, now it feels like a chore. Eating or cooking isn't enjoyable anymore. Cakes taste stale. I am living on microwaved rice and instant noodles. I dont want to be too skinny again, because I have never swam this fast. The pills that kept me sane dont seem to do their job anymore. All I want is just lay in bed and not doing anything, and cry.
I initially thought that I am starting to lose my sanity because I met someone on the cruise, and fell in love. I split up with my (ex) boyfriend just before I stepped on to dry land, to be with this guy. It worked and fortunately he loves me to. He moved in not long after we finished the cruise. I have never been with someone I love, and maybe this whole 'my brain is broken' thing is because my brain chemistry is not in balance. But I dont know, with him around life do get a bit easier, but all i want to do is just joking around with him and go for long walks on the beach. I cant be bothered doing science anymore, or even just living in general. Have I been showing symptoms of burnout?
I hope my new relationship will last forever. I do hope that he can see me shine, and stays in love with me. I hope my new job will bring me a some happiness, and can make me shine brighter than before.
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Dynasty Origins
It doesn't seem like that long ago that we got together to try a new fantasy football format. A league with not just one keeper, but where you can keep multiple players together for their whole careers if you so choose. While there was a lot of interest in trying out the new format, I wasn't sure if it would stick for us or not. Here we are nine years later though, and not only has it stuck, I personally get excited every year for this format, and it seems like something we will keep going for a long time. I believe dynasty has made me a better fantasy football player, by forcing me to put some time researching players I would have never spent time on before. The pressure of every transaction potentially effecting your team for years to come is a thrill I don't get from a regular league.
As we get close now to a full decade of dynasty, I wanted to take a look back to the draft that started it all. How many players are still in the NFL since then? Who were the original busts and steals? Who the hell even are some of these guys? I'll answer these questions and more in part one of a nine article series I am looking forward to writing about our dynasty league. I haven't written much before about dynasty, which is a shame, considering how much crazy history this league has created the last eight years. I hope you all that read this enjoy some of the wild moves and stats that have shaped the league today as much as I enjoyed researching it all.
Without further exposition let's go back to 2016. Ten original members, of which eight are still operating their original teams took part in, what is likely for many of us, the longest fantasy draft we had ever participated in. 22 rounds of drafting with more time on the clock than usual. Each of us were faced with a puzzle of how do I build a team that can win this year's championship, but still be good in the future?
The first round was a who's who of hall of fame/high caliber fantasy stud players. Even though a few would only have a couple more top fantasy seasons left in the tank, I can honestly say that all ten first round picks were valid and the owner would probably make the same pick all over again and feel good about it.
1. Antonio Brown John
2. Odell Beckham Jr. Paul
3. Cam Newton Joucken (Now David)
4. Julio Jones Deron
5. Todd Gurley Donny (Now Alan)
6. Ezekiel Elliott Cory
7. David Johnson Radin
8. DeAndre Hopkins Sarah
9. Adrian Peterson Wilson
10. Rob Gronkowski Turnage
The league nailed the second round as well, with one exception: Brandon Marshall, pick 16 by Donny. Now I know what you're thinking, Brandon Marshall a bust? But he was a hell of a player. I agree that Brandon Marshall was a great receiver at the borderline of being a hall of famer in fact. The only problem is, Marshall produced hardly anything for Donny. In the final three years of his career from 2016-2018, Marshall produced a grand total of 88 receptions for 1,078 yards and four touchdowns. For comparisons sake, Marshall produced a whopping EIGHT single seasons that beat this three-year span mark in his career. Considering how many more productive players were taken after him, it's safe to say Marshall was a bust when it comes to our dynasty league.
Going down the list, I decided to look at the first seven rounds for any other busts that stood out, as it's difficult to say picks after that would really qualify as a bust. Seven more players stood out.
Eddie Lacey pick 25 by Donny. To say he hardly produced at all for Donny would be an understatement. Lacey would only play two years for Donny, before eating himself out of football. He failed to score a single touchdown in those two years. Drafting two busts in his first three picks was a huge setback for Donny, despite the fact that he actually drafted some steals that I'll go over later. Donny would give up his team to Alan after a few years of mediocrity which has to be strongly attributed to the two busts he drafted early in the league's first day of existence.
Jordan Reed pick 35 by Cory. Unlike the previous players, Reed at least gave me one season of competent TE1 level play. The problem is, that isn't near enough production out of a young tight end taken in round four that you are expecting to be a mainstay of your team for the next decade. It's easy to look at Reed now as a great case of a physically dominant player that just couldn't stay healthy and put it all together, but back in 2016, he was actually coming off an incredible season, and the sky seemed like the limit. In 2015 he had 87 receptions for 952 yards and 11 touchdowns, despite even missing two games. In 2016 he had 66 receptions for 686 yards and 6 touchdowns, but was never really fantasy relevant again after that.
Thomas Rawls pick 39 by Paul. This was the first player drafted by anyone in our original draft that made me stop for a second and say, "Wait, who was that again?" I vaguely remember him being on the Seahawks, and actually found an old article talking about him as the next fantasy breakout star as he replaced Marshawn Lynch, but he never was able to really accomplish much at all in the NFL. He was dropped by Paul on October 4th of 2016, picked up by Radin on October 26th, where he remained the rest of the year, but then Radin cut him heading into the 2017 draft and he was never heard from in our league again. Not good for a 4th round pick.
Carlos Hyde pick 40 by John. Carlos Hyde was an absolute force at Ohio State, and while he did have some O.K. years for John, I had to include him because he just never lived up to the superstar potential we saw at Ohio State and there were players with much better careers taken after him here.
Eric Decker pick 41 by John. The very next pick in the draft, also by John, Eric Decker was coming off a 1,000 yard, 12 touchdown year. Still in his late 20s, it was safe to assume he could be a solid WR for several more years. Instead, he completely declined, with an injury in 2016, sealing his fate as a wasted draft pick. He would retire after the 2017 season, not producing much of anything for John.
Kelvin Benjamin pick 54 by Radin. We all know Benjamin is now a meme for how an NFL player's career can go wrong by deciding to be fat instead of a professional athlete, but we often forget that Benjamin actually showed a lot of promise and fantasy relevance coming off the first two years of his career. Unfortunately for Radin, he didn't get any of that production. Benjamin totaled just over 1,000 yards and four touchdowns over his final four years combined before retiring a total waste of talent.
Josh Gordon pick 67 by Radin. The final bust of our original draft was Josh Gordon taken a round after another young, tantalizing, but controversial receiver Radin had taken in Benjamin. Josh Gordon burst onto the scene in 2013 with 87 catches for 1,646 yards and 9 touchdowns. He was a pickup that won people championships that year and became a fantasy darling because of it. Even more than the stats, Flash Gordon just passed the eye test as the next great superstar NFL player. The only problem was the NFL was in the dark ages when it came to weed, and Josh Gordon wasn't willing to give weed up to make a lot of money and have a great NFL career. It's crazy to think that Gordon ended up being in the NFL for over a decade, recently being given what must be his 100th chance with the Titans in 2022. He never really did shit in our Dynasty league, despite being picked up by half the league at one point or the other.
Enough of busts, what about steals that stand out in our original draft? I came up with 9.
1. Tom Brady pick 70 by Turnage. While this may not be the greatest steal of the first dynasty draft, it still popped out of the screen at me. Tom Brady ended up being Turnage's QB1 for 7 years, and put up some fantastic fantasy seasons during this time. The rest of the league was probably avoiding him, assuming he would retire soon, but to get that kind of value for so many years at the very bottom of the 7th, absolutely qualifies as a steal for Turnage.
2. Travis Kelce pick 76 by Donny. How was a guy that would go on to break the TE position in fantasy football, and is still active on Alan's roster today as a bona-fide superstar, not taken until the 8th round? In 2014, and 2015 respectively, Kelce had close to 900 yards and 5 tds each season, so it's not like he wasn't already fantasy relevant. What else can I say except that we missed on this one as a league.
3. Tyler Lockett pick 90 by Turnage. Lockett can be a bit controversial when it comes to fantasy because some people hate his inconsistency at times and see him more as a boom-or-bust WR2 but honestly... looking at this draft and some of the players going at this point, who wouldn't have signed up for a long career of WR2 play? Tyler Lockett remains a strong player on Turnage's team today, although interestingly, he did briefly lose him. On November 13th 2016, Turnage dropped Lockett for Dontrelle Inman (yikes.) Lockett remained a free agent for the remainder of 2016 and was taken in the third round by Deron in the 2017 dynasty draft. Deron then dropped Lockett for some guy named Javorius Allen. Turnage picked Lockett back up on September 17th, 2017 where he has remained since.
4. Derrick Henry pick 95 by Cory. It's wild that such a fantasy stud like Henry was taken all the way in round 10 of his rookie season in our draft, but his story gets even wilder from there. He didn't stay on my team, and had quite the journey through our league, but that will be a story for another day when I do the "Wacky Waivers" article.
5. Dak Prescott pick 99 by Paul. To find a longtime QB1 quality player so deep in the draft in a two QB format is impressive to say the least. Love him or hate him, Prescott has been a good fantasy player since his very first game. Paul would later trade him to Cory, where he has been rostered since.
6. Stefon Diggs pick 102 by Paul. Just a few picks after Dak, Paul had another slam-dunk pick in Stefon Diggs. The only problem is he would go on to trade Diggs to Deron for Jerrick McKinnon later that season. Ouch. I'll talk about that trade and more in my trade evaluations article.
7. Zach Ertz pick 105 by Donny. Donny must have a good eye for tight ends, because this was a home run all the way in the 11th round. Ertz is still an active player in the NFL today.
8. Justin Tucker pick 118 by Joucken. I knew it was a kicker year! But seriously to find a likely hall of fame kicker in round 12 when you would start considering kickers in normal formats anyways, is well worth it. Tucker is still on David's team today as the NFL's top kicker most years.
9. Jared Goff pick 201 by John. You have to go all the way to the 21st round of the draft to find another pick that stood out as a steal, and it was a good one. While Goff hasn't always been a QB1 necessarily, he's been a good player for John for his whole career which should continue for many more years. I have to give Goff credit; a lot of people were calling him a bust early in his career, but there's no doubt now that he has established himself as a reliable real-life and fantasy QB.
We missed on several undrafted players from this season including DeVante Adams, Tyreek Hill (to be fair he was a 5th round rookie in 2016), and Adam Thielen.
Other notes: The first dynasty draft was 22 rounds. We would expand the rosters to 24 players, where we have been ever since in 2017. Of the original 220 draft picks, 14 were team defenses. This means 206 individual players were drafted. Of those 206, just 41 players remain active in the NFL, or just under 20% (19.9%) of our draft picks.
Of the 41 active players, 4 are kickers, 5 are defensive players, 13 are QBs (six of the QBs are now backup players) leaving just 19 skill position players. Of these 19, 6 are no longer fantasy relevant at all, 5 are draftable, but no longer must-starts, (OBJ, Zeke, Cooks, Ertz, Boyd) while 8 players can still be viewed as fantasy starters: WR Diggs, RB Henry, WR Lockett, TE Kelce, WR Amari Cooper, WR Evans, WR Allen, and WR Hopkins.
Only three RBs from the original draft are still active in the NFL: Zeke, Henry and Ameer Abdullah (so random he's still active)
Not counting team defense's, 9 players remain on the team that originally drafted them:
K Tucker on David's team
QB Aaron Rodgers on Radin's team
TE Travis Kelce on Alan's team
WR Tyler Lockett on Turnage's team
Qbs Kirk Cousins and Russell Wilson, and WR DeAndre Hopkins on Sarah's team
QB Jared Goff and WR Brandin Cooks on John's team
There are a couple of defenses still on their original team:
Denver on David's, and Pittsburgh on Turnage's
Overall, here are how many currently active players each of us drafted:
Cory: 8
Deron: 6
Sarah: 5
Paul: 4
Wilson: 4
Donny: 4
Turnage: 3
Joucken: 3
John: 2
Radin: 2
Final section, who the hell is he?
Jeremy Langford pick 71 by Turnage (sounds vaguely familiar)
Gary Barnage pick 104 by Deron (sounds like a TV attorney)
Omar Bolden pick 121 by John
Kamar Allen pick 143 by Joucken (doesn't even have a Wikipedia page lol)
Charles Sims pick 158 by Joucken
Clive Wafford pick 170 by Turnage
K Candler Catanzaro pick 215 by Cory
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DICEY I S DRUNK
Needdd to write my note before i ctb in a week ish so
Fuck u mom how dare you fucking give up on me. Picking new family and popping out kids like a goddamn pez dispenzer instead of like faking interest in shit i actully enjoy for five mins.
Same goes for dad but extra FUCK you for never visiting when you had the chance and extra extra fuck you for getting sick and losing what little ego you had left so you dont even recognize me anymore. Asshole move.
FUCK YOU EMILY GOD FUCK I LOVED YOU AND I ONLY FUCKING LEFT BC I KNEW I COULDNT STAY AWAY IF YOU EVER CALLED BACK AND IM STILL WAITING FOR IT 6 GODDAMN YEARS LATER. Im sorry too. I wish I'd had the help i needed before we tried to run away. I wish my wife coulda seen me at my best instead of my worst and ill never stop dreaming of a world where at least you're happy -even if itsone without me, Bc as far as i know you're probably dead and its all my fault. It never got better for me but at least im in control and hot now.
I'm sorry Sebastian. JP and FL and Kitsu. For my own good i shoulda stayed out of it. But at least i tried unlike you idiots. At least you had only one dead kid that year, if not for me there'd be two so fuck you. I just wanted to do some good for all my fuckups and i couldnt stand the idwa of another dead qu*er child. I miss you all, I hope missing me eats you alive.
To my new friends.
Skye, plz dont beat urself up over this one,.its my choice. Im not the same as her and you couldnt chamge anything, you just got caught in the crossfire.
Maddy, be smart be safe be yourself. Fuck someone and chase that femboy.
Thylia.. fuck you're the first real person ive met in a decade. I wish id met you sooner. Be strong.
Pip. Make a goddamn choice girl. Either be yourself or play it safe and be miserable. This life is hell and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. You still have a future, just be smart about it. Finish college, chase your passions. Transition quietly, practice looking how you want and move far the fuck away when its safe. Everyone goes through an ugly phase and thats fine. And seriously SERIOUSLY, just chill the fuck out and go with the flow.
No one else is worth mentioning. You all betrayed me. You all said id be nothing but a burnt out worthless fag and then you made that reality not me. I hate you all for it. Hopefully these bottles do me in.
Emi.. Alex.. whatever you go by now, howdy stranger. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry my ideas abt love and passion and loyalty were so fucked up.. it really was how i was raised and it still really was my fault. There isnt a day that goes by i dont wonder what would have happened had i stuck around for a few more days and let us both cool off. I was completely obsessed and jealous and who could really blame me, I clung to that stupid dream for dear fucking life for years and when i finally had the chance the world literally came crashing down around us. If not for covid, if not for SPDs fucking power trip, if not for how i was raised if not for how broken i was if I had just listened to you and respected you fuck our dream could have come true. I love you. I'll never love anyone else, I've always loved you since the day you were quietly introduced and sat in Mr. Baker's class across the room all those years ago. I knew then and I know now 14 years later that you were always my better half.
I hope eternity is real, I hope I suffer for it. This shitty trailer has been my exile for 4 years and in a week it will be my tomb.
In truth if id had any courage at all id have ended it a long time ago, but im a total goddamn coward even piss drunk on a work night. Im still praying you'll save me but i know it wont happen, it cant happen. I'll never change, I'll always be the crazy ex, always be another person that abused your trust and chased you across the city we were supposed to grow old in. I hate everything i was, and everything i had to be to survive and everything i am now. I don't blame you, i don't even hate you.
You were always right.
I still love you.
Dicey,
(Formerly Lusy, formerly Lyrah)
Fuck you all, i give up
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forgive me for just using this as a diary right now but I'm just feeling really emotional -- that's putting it a bit neutral, I feel bad.
I'm moving -- not across the world or across the country or even across the state, but to a town literally bordering Providence, where I currently live. It's literally only an 11 minute drive to where I am now but I don't have a car and it just feels like I'll be so far away from all my friends and favorite cafes and bars, even though it's objectively not really true -- the bus goes right here, I can get an uber, or even just take the hour-long walk. But I won't feel ensconced in all of my friends the way that I currently do, and I guess if I'm being honest I'm a bit nervous about the area. I literally had a dream that I was living in some sort of Dickensian boarding house, with a too-small door that was too small for the frame, so everyone could see in, which is absolutely absurd of me. I keep thinking that I should have just moved into another place here, with roommates, just dumping all of my stuff into a storage unit and staying within the student bubble, even though it also makes me a bit queasy to think about Brown now that I'm being offloaded for essentially the third time.
The other thing of course, is my strange relationship to my current apartment. I haven't really been happy here for a while -- I've had two housemates, practically strangers, and the shared spaces of the apartment have felt practically like a no-man's land. I've been longing to live on my own, to have my own space (to be able to walk around naked, to be able to invite people back here, to have guests over) but last time I did that I went a bit stir-crazy. But then, that was 6 years ago (my god) and I had the same misgivings then about leaving the east side of Providence and things were fine (admittedly, federal hill is different from Pawtucket -- though I'm telling myself that I'll only be a few blocks into Pawtucket. )
Six years -- I really was a different person when I moved into this place. I mean, visibly physically different too, unfortunately. My life was completely consumed by Jan, then, and of course that's the other thing. I don't think about him as much any more, or at least I didn't until I began the move and kept finding signs of him everywhere, little and big reminders of his presence. I love you so much, Jan, I really do, though I know things would never be the same even if --- well, hah.
I guess I'm also now just thinking about my relationship to objects. I've always loved things. I've always taken a pleasure in shopping, in collecting, in, well, hoarding. For the first time in my life I've really come to feel strangled by my possessions. I mean, I basically moved just to find a place to store my things, though I feel so silly about that now; on some level I feel that I should have just shoved my things in a storage unit and left for the summer, but instead I'm stuck because of furniture, because of objects. I think this might genuinely change my relationship to material things a bit. I don't think I can take the same pleasure in them now that I know how they're holding me captive. I can't make the same mistake again, but then I always make the same mistakes.
I still can't really see what my future is going to look like, the big ambient anxiety undergirding everything else I do. But then, that's another story, and I've gone on long enough, venting to nobody (who would possibly read this far.)
I feel like praying. I hope that I get whatever I was looking for when I started typing this out.
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To all Orthos, the winter holiday month is just in a month or very close to being in a few days, so my question is, what are your plans/ideas for the holidays :D
🎁🎄🪔
PS do any of you believe in Santa?
🎅🏻
I omitted dorm swap Ortho but this is still a long one!
Post Chapter 6:
My family generally celebrates the holidays as one big thing where one parent has a big meal with us around New Years and the other does the same the next year. It kinda sucks, but we still get presents! Uh, that’s assuming Idia and I are allowed home for the break this year. If not, we’ll probably do what we did every year when we were kids- anime marathon, lots of sugary snacks, and a speedrunning contest while we wait for “Santa” to show up and get caught. (it’s one of the researchers in disguise, I think my parents hired him, though he is weirdly committed to the bit-)
Pre chapter 6:
I’m not really sure! I like to try to involve myself in the NRC festivities, though. I know Kalim’s got a party going, maybe I can drag Idia, and the choir sings at every dorm, but I can’t join that or my body gets too cold to function!
I know Idia will be willing to spend Christmas night with me, and we’ll probably play a game or watch a movie!
Unfortunately, I don’t believe in Santa. I’ve seen way too much on the internet. Way too much… I do think Kalim does, though.
On a better note, I love your emojis!
Tartarus:
We’re not going to be doing anything different than usual! There’s not much else to do but sit around and wait. Maybe we’ll wander around! But there’s nothing to do around, its all dark, heheh! Nothing to eat… Nothing to see…. It only encourages me to escape!
As for what I want to do... I want to sit by a nice warm fire with some hot cocoa Switched (Orestes):
I’ve never celebrated any holidays. I suppose I’d just be doing the same thing as usual.
I only hope those carolers stay away from Ignihyde this year.
Human:
Honestly, the only thing I have planned is the elaborate trap me and Idia make for Santa every year. Neither of us believe in him (little too old) but it's become a tradition to see just how bad of a trap we can make.
So far we've got 17 different parts to it and it lives in Idia's workroom. It's also fun trying to sneak it home with the Charons watching.
My favorite holiday tradition is definitely sticking my head in the fireplace to see my hair turn red, but I don't think that's what you're asking.
I am looking forward to New Years though! The Kingdom of Heroes always does a huge celebration and if we play our cards right we're usually allowed to go. They have confetti.
RSA:
I'm not sure if I'm going home for the holidays or not. I'll find out soon enough when I get kidnapped!
But if I don't, I'll just hang out with the other RSA students. We go into town and buy stuff to do a secret santa every year! I got Neige last year and used that to ask him out. It was fun spending time with him and Chenya then.
Though if I hang out with Idia we'll probably have a chariot race for the nostalgia, paired with some gaming and snacks. I haven't kept up on any of my games in a few months because I was too busy with school so that'd be fun too.
Either way, I'll be having fun with my loved ones!
Before the Incident:
I love the holidays!!! My parents don't really pay attention to holidays (I think Mom managed to get stuck in her room from the 15th to January 9th of the next year a few years ago!) but Idy always goes on a Christmas movie marathon. We don't exactly celebrate Christmas on Christmas every year, or New Years on New Years, but I think it's still nice to get to spend time together!
I do believe in Santa! He comes in my house, even dressed in a STYX uniform! I used to wonder if secretly STYX was a workshop for Santa, but Idy says that's ridiculous.
Ignihyde Dorm Leader:
Hm, well I'll spend until the 22nd at school with my dormmates. We usually throw a big party before everyone leaves for winter break with a huge gaming tournament. After that, I'll probably do my gift exchange with the other housewardens (and Ace) before heading home for a bit. I painted a nice set of cards for Ace with things from my family history (gonna see how long it takes him to notice the one guy in there 10 times), I got Deuce some blastcycle supplies to go with the nice one I got him last year to fix up. I made Sebek a weapon that changes between a few types. I got Epel and his grandma a trip to come see STYX (and I'll be participating in their sled race sometime). Finally, I got Jack a bunch of socks. I don't know why he wanted them but when I asked him that's what he said he wanted so. I got him 200 socks.
Idia has a big fancy job and I'm not sure he can actually get off work to come visit, but I do have plans to get dinner with him at least on the 30th. School starts up on the 3rd so I'd have to go back then, but I'll probably stick around the school a little earlier to comfort anyone who got left behind.
Definitely looking forward to ice skating, throwing snowballs at my friends, and getting to cozy under a nice blanket.
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6/7/23
23:19
Today has been a day of recovery still; just want to talk about some things I've been thinking about.
It's been a hard week. Some good things have happened recently though. I got a job for the summer (and hopefully a bit beyond, if I can manage my schedule well), and secured a place volunteering in a research lab, to start hopefully sometime in mid-July.
I got extremely sick on Monday, where I woke up with a super sore (started feeling it Sunday?) throat that got progressively worse through the day til I ended up with an excruciating headache, full body muscle aches, and intermittent nausea. I thought it was the flu but now perhaps just a viral bug, because the worst symptoms were that night and I've been getting better every day, though it was really, really awful. Last time I felt anything near that was two years ago where I got so sick I called 999 because I thought I was going to die.. hah. I remember phoning him and trying not to cry, because I just wanted a parents reassurance and felt so alone and like such a child. I felt it again that day.
I ended up sitting in the bathroom shaking, and I stuck three fingers down my throat to make myself throw up finally to try and get the nausea to go away. I vomited twice, the only meal I had that day and it was as disgusting and awful as every other time I've thrown up. Truly I think it's the worst physical experience. I ended up back in bed, feeling so cold but sweating and restless and I was waking near every 30 minutes in a state of near-delirium. Didn't think I'd be able to sleep more than an hour straight through but I think my body was so exhausted it just sort of gave up. Sore throat, headaches, no apetite still for days after, but I had a proper meal again on day three, so there's that. Eating more today too, though it's not enjoyable. Had to call out of work but hoping to make it into my shift tomorrow.
I also start moving out tomorrow. I want to say it's annoying, but ultimately I think it just saddens me. Moving itself isn't really a big deal, I think I just get tired of this impermanence, the repeated transitions and largely the reminder that I do it primarily alone, and I'm alone because he died and I have few friends. It's hard to think about.
I also had therapy yesterday. We went over an international trauma questionnaire, and I'm supposed to get some feedback on during the next session, but I did look it up after and read through the assessment criteria. I think it stands to reason that I may have CPTSD. I've suspected this for some time now, but thinking of it actually being concrete, my current reality, has been very jarring. Also quite upsetting.
I've been thinking a lot about loss again. Loss of family, friends, and thinking about past experiences that won't be repeated. People I most likely won't ever see again. Conversations that won't happen. Love that I can't make known. It's been really hard.
Being unwell meant I've been on bedrest and it's meant my mental health started to slide. I've been feeling distanced from friends, though one has been reaching out to me every day to ask how I am and if I need anything, and that's been really really nice. Still I wish I had more friends, more connections. Could feel like I'm cared for more often, because it feels so extremely rare. That people's care for me is made known, and I really feel it. I wish it wasn't like this. It's like at moments I reverted to being a child again, sick and wanting nothing more than to be nurtured, taken care of completely but the harsh reality and overarching background is that I won't ever experience that again, and I don't think I'll experience anything similar to it either.
I think I'd like to let myself be open to a soft and careful love. I'm deathly afraid that it's never ever going to happen.
I talked about being tired, in therapy, about feeling it both mentally and physically. I have felt psychologically tired for a very long time. Every day takes energy and effort that I think should be impossible for me to gather. This quote, by Anaïs Nin -
Life requires an effort I cannot make.
Yeah.
#entry#i think there was supposed to be some structure to this but i lost track#i think its time to go to bed
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6 July 2023
i think i have given up. i'm still going through the motions of course of applying for jobs, going to interviews, but i have truly given up. i suppose anyone in this position would. most importantly, i'm tired of feeling disappointed from receiving multiple interview rejections.
and i see a bunch of people on reddit who graduated years ago and try forever, for 2 years or so, to get into a career without success and i don't want to hold out feeling terrible for the rest of my life.
woke up with a throbbing headache that is still here. spoke to another career coach, whose services i'm not considering seriously due to his extraordinate, extornionate prices. he and his colleague were puzzled that i wasn't getting any jobs, then they grew steadily convinced that i was doing badly for interviews and scrabbled for excuses to blame me (ie it was supposed to be a telephone call, but the place i live in has really bad reception so i ask for a teleconference instead. so i kept the camera off to emulate a phone call and also since i just woke up and they said, do you really keep the camera off for all interviews? how big of an idiot do you think i am?)
it can't be that i have the social graces of a potato. and it can't be that i don't prepare for interviews as i do. i run over potential questions with chat gpt and keep some main points in mind. i look up the job and the company and keep the important details in my head. it also, realistically, cannot be that interviewers are bloodhounds and can sniff my suspicions that i will never get a job/ my fatigue. i know folks who are on the spectrum who get jobs, so it's not like they're unemployed forever.
so i don't know what it is. i'm not an evil wicked witch and i'm also not a raging criminal. maybe i am really that unlikable or unlucky and what is there to do about that? maybe i will slog for 5 or 10 years or for the rest of my life like sisyphus and the least i can do is sometimes manage to laugh about it.
and i suppose i could try to analyse these feelings, since it looks like i'm in for the long haul. i feel fatigued from the extreme anxiety, worry and helplessness and most of all fatigued of the fatigue. i keep wanting to come up with better snarkier answers for people who have no empathy for my situation.
i'm also angry i suppose at the absurdity of these reddit posts ranting about the same situation, then followed up by an edit "guys, i got the job!". if anyone's ever had to interview for a job at this rate, then got it, i'm probably the other candidate that didn't get it.
i'm also trying to think if i've ever been in a similar situation where i've been stuck for years on end. i suppose one is that i felt like i was stuck in sg for over a decade, but then i moved and all of a sudden i just didn't have to deal with feeling like that anymore. it just so happened that there was a visa and that i'm with an irish person.
i try not to be sucked into thinking it's over, and it's truly over. it's just so tempting. the thought that i'll rack up hundreds, if not thousands of interviews and somehow still never get a job. my whole personality has become the person who is trying to get a job.
so what can i do? my head hurts.
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•//~//•''
#vent#duude I dont know whats up with me recently but I'm just.#I feel bad. and I can't really do much about it#idk. i had therapy today and sometimes I feel like I get stuck in these loops where I just.. talk about the same thing for a month#and we figured out the fix the first time but I just. refuse to fix things..#idk. i think its making everything worse because I know I can fix some things if I just got around to it#plus also summer is coming and that means.. unhealthy coping mechanisms are back (yay /s) and its just.... :(#one of these days I'll have it all figured out#and I'll start the 5 year plan for happiness I made 6 years ago#but until then. its just bad.#like... idk... sometimes I forget that the people in my real life are just... how people live#and its because im just so scared of letting that happen to me#and its.... I dont see how thats not how I'll end up.. you know?#and I hate it. and nothing I do to try to change that has ever worked. in all this time. so its just.... awkward#its like.. I'm trying to escape this box. but the box is impenetrable and the other people in this box with me have made their peace with it#and I'm.. worse than they ever were. but I'm still trying to break out#and keeping this hope is only draining me and making me feel worse about myself. but I know if I stopped I would never be happy.#because this isn't a happy box.#but am I even happy now? or is my hope and effort just making me weaker. sadder. just like everyone else in this fucking stupid box#idk. I'm over it. kinda not seeing a happy ending in this current moment. but whatever. life goes on.... it always does#does any of this make sense? is anyone even reading this? do I even care if anyone is..?
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Stitches // 3
Pairing: Frank Castle x Reader
Summary: There are some things that you could never escape from.
Warnings: mentions of gun violence
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 BONUS
Fret not young padawans part 4 is in the works 😌
MASTERLIST
-----
Sweetheart,
By the time you're reading this I'll be long gone. I'm sorry for leaving you, again, I guess that's just who I am. I show up and leave just as quickly. After everything that went down here in New York I can't stay with you because you deserve better than me.
You deserve someone who would make you breakfast in bed, take you out on the town every once in a while. Someone who cherrishes that big, beautiful heart of yours, who is able to scream that he loves you from the top of the fucking Statue of Liberty. You deserve so much more than what I can give you.
I'm a plague Y/N, I destroy beautiful things. It's not like I want too but it's a part of who I am. I couldn't allow you to risk your life to be with me. I love you, you know I do but our time has come to an end.
You're probably thinking that I'm a fucking asshole and you're right. I am an asshole for ending things like a coward but I couldn't do this face to face or else I would've changed my mind about leaving.
I let you down more times that I could count for one lifetime and I'm so sorry. My words probably mean jackshit to you right now but it's the truth, I am sorry.
Do me a favour, stay safe and watch your back for me please.
Take care sweetheart.
~ Frank
My fingers traced the old ink from the letter Frank left me a little over a year ago. Reading it again didn't hurt any less than the many other times that I did.
After he had finished whatever he had come here to do he did keep part of his promise, he showed up in my apartment just like the time when he needed me to stitch him up. Things were going good two months in, well, I thought they were but he still left.
This time hurt way more, instead of growing a pair of balls and break things off with me face to face, he left me a letter. This just increased my hatred for him, he messed me up pretty badly. For weeks I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep in my bed, hell I could barely breathe because everything smelled like him in my home.
I remember the days where I'd never drink much, when I thought that there was more to life than spending the long nights at the bottom of a liquor bottle but here I am, a year later still affected by his absence.
I'm pathetic, I fell for the one man that I wasn't supposed to and where did that get me? Nowhere fucking good in life.
"Hey Y/N, someone's here to see you." Karen stuck her head into my office, acknowledging her. I shoved the letter back into my handbag before going out the door. A curly haired brunette with a badge on her hip smiled over at me, agent Madani.
"Agent Madani, what brings you here?"
The last time I saw this woman was during all the crap that went down when Castle was doing what he had to do and now she's back which can only mean one thing.
He's back in the city.
For the love of God, I just want a break.
"I need you to come with me, I could use your help with something." Foggy and Matt emerged from the neighbouring office most likely wondering what Homeland Security wants with me.
"I can't, I'm at work." I was about to return to my stack of files but she had other plans.
"Look, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't important. You remember Pete Castiglione, he could use some encouragement to start talking." my fists were balled up tightly at my sides, knuckles most likely white. I do not want to go, I do not want to see him but I know she'd most likely drag me out of here in cuffs.
"Fine, I don't know how long this is going to take so I'll see you guys tomorrow." collecting my bag and cellphone from my office I turned off the lights before following the woman who is responsible for the drunk state I'm about to be in after this.
Damn you Frank.
The towering buildings blurred as we drove past them, the car ride has been quiet so far, it better stay that way because I'm pissed off.
"Thank you for coming, I didn't know what else to do."
"Let me guess, you pulled him out of whatever hole he was in to come handle the Billy situation so you wouldn't have to be the one to pull the trigger yourself." she trained her focus on the road ahead, not saying a word because I was right.
"You really are something else Madani, you know that?"
"He was Billy's friend okay, he knows him better than anyone so he might know where and how we can find him but he's not talking to me about anything."
"Have you forgotten the way he operates, alone, that's his specialty. He doesn't let anyone know anything unless he doesn't have a choice, so my guess is he probably has already found some way to get intel on Billy's whereabouts." she took a right, taking us down to the parking garage of an apartment complex.
"Look I get that you're not happy to be here but please, you're my only hope here." rolling my eyes I got out of the vehicle, she immediately followed suit leading the way.
One long elevator ride later and a couple doors down the corridor she jabbed the key into the lock, here goes nothing.
"You suck at this you know."
Frank and a girl were sitting at the breakfast bar playing a card game, neither of them looking up yet.
"You're back early Madani."
"Not really, I brought company though." he did a double take once his eyes landed on me, there goes my heartbeat again, racing like I've just ran a marathon.
How the hell did he get much sexier since the last time I saw him? His hairstyle suited him, his faded sweatshirt failed at concealing his well built physique.
Stop these thoughts right now Y/N!
"Are you insane Madani? Are you trying to upset me?" his jaw clenched repeatedly as he spoke to the other woman in the room.
"Good to see you too, asshole." I placed my bag on the counter and moved to sit on the couch. The more distance that I put between us is best for him as I'm one wrong word away from breaking his nose.
"I wouldn't have gone to her if I wasn't sure she'd get you to share whatever info you got on Billy." the couch dipped beside me beneath the blonde's weight.
"He's really outnumbered with the oestrogen surrounding him now huh."
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
"Amy, you? No wait, let me guess, you're Y/N.” Quirking my eyebrow I just stared at her as she spoke more.
"He mentioned you a couple times-"
"Kid, bedroom, now. Don't make me tell you again." defiantly she remained seated and from the dragging of the chair on the floor I could tell he was now on his feet, her eyes opened wider.
"Go on Amy, we can talk later." I watched as she all but ran into the room and locked herself behind the door. He was pissed off I was dragged into the middle of whatever the fuck this is and I don't want to see her get roughed up by him.
"You really have a way with women." I fixed myself on the couch so I could look back at the two without straining my neck. Madani was already at the door ready to leave, like hell she was.
"Where are you going, you said you needed him to talk, don't you want to stay to hear what he has to say?" I don't trust myself to be alone with him again but she didn't seem to catch onto that as she left without another word.
"Fucking fantastic."
Our eyes locked briefly and I could already feel my resolve start to chip away one small piece at a time. I should've stayed at work, I'd rather be listening to Foggy go on about his concerns about Matt's nighttime vigilantism.
"Hey."
"Is this going to keep being a thing? You show up to New York, get into trouble, I somehow get dragged into it all and then you leave, because if it is, I'd rather shoot myself, it'd hurt fucking less." he took two steps forward and I stopped him in his tracks. Hurt and guilt washed over him.
"Sweetheart I-"
"Shut up, you don't get to call me that, not now, not ever." rage coursed through my veins as I got off the couch, I am so sick of hearing the lies that he spews from his mouth.
"Let's get one thing straight Marine, I'm not here to take a walk down memory lane, I've had enough trips there in the past year. I'm only here to help Madani get whatever she wants from you, understand?" his eyes got red and he cleared his throat, looking anywhere but at me.
"Loud and clear ma'am."
"What do you have so far on Billy?"
"From his notebook Madani swiped from his hospital room I could tell that he took my final words to heart while I bashed his face against the glass and dragged it on the shards." he brushed past me, dropping himself on the couch
Get away from him Y/N
"That's all?"
"Yeah."
"Bullshit." heading over to the fridge I managed to get away before he could take a hold of my hand.
"You know what's bullshit, this! What are we doing here Y/N?"
"You can't seem to walk away from this part of you the same way you walk away from everything else." cracking the seal to the water bottle I took large gulps wishing that it was alcohol instead.
"A year Frank, it's been a long ass year since you hauled ass around the country leaving me with a fucking letter!" screw this, crossing the floor I now stood in front of him, I wanted him to look me in the eyes now.
"What do you have to say for that huh? You promised me something and then decided to break it with no regard for my feelings."
"I left because it was the right thing to do Y/N, I couldn't be around you. I knew that sooner or later somebody would be knocking on your door looking for me." frustrated he stood tall, rounding the coffee table to get to me
"Yes I should've ended things differently between us but I couldn't. I couldn't look you in the eyes and break my promise to you. I love you too much to do that, plus I had already overstayed my welcome in the city."
"What?"
"After everything that went down, the CIA and Homeland gave me a chance to start a new life. They wiped all traces of me from all the databases, gave me new documents, some cash and told me to get the hell out of here or else they would charge you with aiding and abetting a wanted fugitive. They threatened you Y/N."
Of course they did
"I couldn't watch them tear down everything you've worked so hard for, so I left. If you want to be angry at me, go right ahead but I walked away to protect you."
"Must have been easy for you."
"Easy for me? It pained me to leave you, writing that fucking letter I cried, hell I cried a whole damn lot to fall asleep and when all the tears dried up I found myself drinking to numb the pain. So you tell me, does that sound easy to you?" his voice broke at the end, he wasn't going to hold up much longer and neither was I. My vision was blurred as I fought to swallow the lump in my throat. He took a couple steps closer to me running his open palms up and down the length of my upper arm.
His touch was my final straw, the tears flowed freely. I hated crying, I hated that he makes me feel like this. I tried to break free from him but he only held on tighter. All my senses were overloaded with him, his presence, his touch, his forehead pressing against mine, his scent, his breath fanning against my skin.
"You broke me."
"I broke us sweetheart." cupping my cheek he pressed his lips against my temple and I wrapped my arms around him, crying into his chest.
God, I missed him
"I love you Y/N, I never stopped." using his index finger he tilted my head back, his tears were also flowing down his face. Despite them being red from the tears I saw that he was sincere, he really meant every word he said.
"You're a pain in my ass Castle and yet still I love you." he didn't hesitate to kiss me, the taste of his lips melting away the rest of my reservations. We finally reconnected after so long, both of us getting completely lost in one another; so wrapped in each other we hadn't heard the bedroom door open.
"You guys want the place to yourselves?" Frank and I laughed as we broke apart, Amy stood in the doorway with a mischievous smile on her face.
"Yes!"
"No, he's not getting lucky in that department anytime soon." the door shut behind her as she returned into the bedroom.
"I'm sorry, how long is anytime soon?" his hands travelled from my waist to the globes of my ass, giving it a firm squeeze.
"As long as I feel Castle."
"We'll see about that sweetheart."
"I'm sure we will but for now let's focus on the reason you're back in New York." completely detaching myself from him I sat on the couch, he followed suit draping my exposed legs over his lap.
"Why are you lying to Madani?"
"She wants me to help her find him to bring him in for good ol' justice." he massaged my calves as he spoke.
"If I had just put a bullet in his head none of this would've been happening." I gently rubbed the back of my hand soothingly against his cheek.
"Which brings me to my next question, why didn't you? He shot Madani in the head, you got shot in the leg, you found out he played a part in the most traumatizing experiences in your life. So why did you let him off the hook?"
"Because he begged me to kill him and death was too easy, I wanted him to suffer for everything he'd done."
"So the next time you see him you're pulling the trigger."
"Damn right I am but Madani, she won't allow that."
Her holier than thou act would surely get her killed if she doesn't play her cards right. I mean, she was already on the brink of death with the bullet Billy put into her skull.
"What are we going to do?" his head snapped in my direction
"There's no we in this, she risked your life by bringing you here, I don't want you anywhere near this. Especially since there's someone that's after the kid and I as well."
"What did you get yourself into, Frank?"
"I was at a bar one night, saw a team of assassins going after her and I saved her from meeting her maker while taking a shot to the ass. Went to a motel out of town, they tracked us there, you know who came out, made a huge mess of things, cops showed up, we got arrested. Then the man after us came an-"
"You got shot, in the ass.'' The laugh that I let out would have woken up anyone that was sleeping next door. Frank did not find the situation amusing, his features stone cold.
"It ain't funny."
"It is! Okay, okay, continue."
"The station got shot up, I then convinced them to let me go after the bastards and that's when Madani showed up to bring us here; after all of that, I still don’t know the full story behind it." I couldn’t hold in my laugh as the picture of him taking one to the ass crossed my mind again.
“Keep laughing sweetheart.” he eased me down on the couch and fit himself between my legs, lips attacking my neck with kisses. Taking my left hand he guided it below the waistband of his jeans and boxers.
“This hurts like hell.” my fingertips gently traced the poorly stitched wound that now decorated his once unblemished ass.
“That’s definitely leaving a scar.”
“I didn’t have you to stitch me up nice.”
“It’s nothing you can’t handle.” my fingers found their way into his hair, holding him closer to me.
“You know what I can’t handle?”
“What?”
“Lying here with you with so many clothes on.”
“This is why I offered the bedroom, no sex on the couch people.” his body shook violently against mine, his laugh taking over his entire body as the door slammed shut yet again.
I forgot what his genuine laugh sounded like since I haven’t heard it in so long. It’s nice and carefree. The corners of his eyes crinkled, a toothy smile now sat on his face. I loved seeing him like this, so happy and forgetting about the bad that’s outside whenever it was just us two.
Frank and I
----
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Yes, doctor
summary
You go to a doctor’s office nearby every year for your annual appointment. Every time a nurse comes out into that familiar waiting room you get a little nervous. You had never liked doctor visits. This time your usual doctor was out, and there was a fill in you hadn’t met before. When the doctor enters your examination room, you were pleasantly surprised. Denki Kaminari, the boy you had been fawning for all throughout high school, would be your doctor today.
female reader
both are adults, around 20-25 years old
h/n = hero name
content warning
medicalplay, bondage, slapping your pussy, degradation, punishment/reward, desperation, edgeplay/orgasm denial, dumbification, breeding, sex toys, thigh riding, y/n pees herself
full fic by spice🥧
After checking in with the receptionist, you sat down in one of the plush chairs in the waiting room. You were a pro hero, and a pretty recent graduate from UA high, having graduated 5 or 6 years ago. This doctor's office was specifically for heroes, so it was pretty fancy to say the least. The reason it was only for heroes was so they could have specialized doctors and nurses fit to deal with quirks, and they were hand selected by the Hero Organization to handle confidential quirk information if needed.
You picked up one of the magazines from the table across from you and flipped through it, eyeing various support item ads and making mental notes of them to show to your costume designer.
"Y/n?" a voice called.
You looked up, and a friendly looking nurse greeted you with a warm smile.
"Hello." you said quietly, getting up to follow her into the hallway.
"It's an honor to meet you, H/n!" she said excitedly, as she led you to a small room to take your height and weight.
"Thanks! Thank you for taking such good care of us heroes."
"Only the best for the people who protect us from villains!" she said cheerfully.
After taking your measurements, she led you to another room.
"Here, change into this, and your doctor will be in shortly!"
She handed you a paper gown.
"Thank you!" you said.
After she left, you put the gown on and sat on the bed. You waited nervously, trying to remember if you were due for any shots, when you heard a knock.
"Are you dressed? May I come in?" a familiar sounding voice called.
"Sure." you said.
The door opened and you knew who it was the second you saw a flash of that familiar bright yellow hair.
You couldn't believe your eyes.
"K-Kaminari?"
"Please! Call me Denki. We were friends in high school, weren't we?" he said with a bright smile.
"Y-Yeah.. you didn't become a hero?"
"Nope. Everyone at UA and in the pro hero world looked down on me. Well, except you, Deku, and Red Riot, that is. So I became a doctor to prove people like Dynamight wrong. Do you still talk to anyone from our class?" He asked, taking a seat at his computer and typing in his password.
"Yeah, Deku and I patrol together sometimes and Mina is still my best friend."
"Oh, Mina! I forgot about her. She was nice. Anyway, how have you been? Feel sick lately? Cough? Sore throat? Fever?"
"Nope, I'm all good." you said, trying to avoid his gaze.
"Are you okay? You seem.. nervous." he lowered his voice.
"I-I'm fine. Sorry."
"Okay. Well, I'm gonna ask you a few questions, and then we can get started."
He began to ask questions, your cheeks heating up more and more with every embarrassing question about your sex life, menstrual cycle, bowel movements, and so on and so forth.
Denki laughed suddenly.
"Look how red you are- calm down it's just me!"
You laughed quietly.
"Alright, well, I'm just gonna make sure everything's okay, and then you can be on your way!"
"Sounds good." you said, relieved that he wasn't asking any further questions.
He had stopped asking questions, yet that warmth in your cheeks stayed there as you watched him wash his hands and put gloves on.
He started by checking your reflexes. After you almost kicking him, he moved on to check your eyes and ears.
He pulled out his stethoscope.
"I'm gonna listen to your heartbeat really quick okay? Tell me if I'm making you uncomfortable! Sorry, it's gonna be cold."
Shit. He's gonna be able to tell how nervous I am..
You tried to steady your breathing, but it just came out ragged, embarrassing you further.
He moved the stethoscope with a confused look on his face, before taking it off and putting it back around his neck.
"Are you okay? Your heart is beating really fast. Should I refer you to someone or are you just nervous?" he asked, scribbling something down on a clipboard.
"N-Nervous, sorry."
"Oh yeah! You had a crush on me in high school, didn't you?" That explains it!"
"H-How did you know?"
"Mina told me. After we graduated, though. I never got to reach out to you about it, but I liked you too."
"Y-You did?!" you breathed.
"Mmhm. Now try to calm down a little so I can get some accurate measurements."
"Okay, sorry."
You took a deep breath, and he continued trying to get an accurate reading, but god.. he was just so hot, so concentrated, and he smelled so good..
"Hey. Y/n. Earth to Y/n." he said, looking up.
"Sorry!" you said again.
"It's not a problem," he smirked. "Come here."
And with that, he pulled you in for a kiss.
You gasped against his mouth, before melting into it, your hands finding their way around his neck, clasping in the back. You felt one of his hands wrap around you waist, the other still holding the stethoscope in place.
You broke the kiss.
"You gonna move this?" you asked, touching the hand holding the stethoscope.
"Why? You wanna take this further or something?" he asked.
You cast your gaze downwards as he pressed it harder onto your chest to the point where it started to hurt.
"D-Denki.."
"Use your words, princess. What do you want from me?" he said, laughing. He could hear your heartbeat steadily climb, he loved the look of nervousness covering your face, you desperately trying to form words.
"I-I want you."
"Hm?" he said, pressing harder. The loudness was starting to hurt his ears, but it was so worth it to see you flustered.
"P-Please! I want you!"
"Good girl." he said with a smile, removing the stethoscope and placing it on the table.
He sat in his desk chair, facing you with crossed arms.
"Undress please, I need to make sure everything looks okay."
"O-Okay."
"That's 'Yes Doctor' to you."
"Yes doctor."
You took off the gown and tossed it aside, facing Denki, who was smirking at the sight of your naked body.
He stood up and took off his shirt, followed by his pants, leaving him in only his boxers, his erection poking through with a bit of precum already showing. He then wrapped you in a kiss again, his hands finding your breasts and kneading them until your nipples were hard.
You let out a soft moan as you caressed his face.
He pulled away.
"Look at you, making a mess on my table." he gestured to the wet puddle that was forming between your legs. "I'll have to punish you for that.
He pulled a roll of bandages from the cabinet and smirked. He bandaged your hands on either side of you stuck down onto the table, making sure you couldn't move them. Then, he bandaged your feet down onto the table, again, making sure you couldn't move them.
Your dripping cunt was exposed to him, and you could barely move.
"Dripping for me like a bitch in heat, I've barely touched you, princess."
"D-Doctor- please-"
You were cut off by two fingers lightly grazing your wet pussy, gathering your juices on them. He then stuck them in your mouth, causing you to gag.
"Suck."
You did as told and sucked your wetness of his fingers, your face a shade of red from embarrassment.
"Such a good girl, following the doctor's orders. Now let's see. I have to examine other patients too, so if you'll excuse me." he started to put his clothes back on, smiling while you looked at him shocked.
"Oh don't be scared. I'll be back for you soon. And I have something to keep you company while I'm gone."
He pulled out a small pink vibrator with a tiny remote from his desk drawer.
"When I found out you were my patient, I had a feeling things would go this way. I came prepared."
He attached the vibrator to your clit, drawing a gasp from you.
"No cumming until I allow it okay? See you soon, princess. Oh- and I almost forgot."
He grabbed the bandages again, and put them over your mouth.
"Can't let anyone hear you!" and with that, he left the room and locked the door.
You sat there, stunned, legs open, dripping wet, with a vibrator attached to you. It wasn't on yet, either. It was just sitting there. You tried to shake it off of you, or at least break the bandages, to try and get some relief, but they wouldn't budge.
And then it happened. The vibrator started at a very low shake, making you gasp once more, trying to close your legs to relieve the pressure.
Your head was spinning when it went up to the next level again. You were squirming, bucking your hips, anything for it to stop. But alas, it went up to the highest level.
You nearly screamed, but managed to stifle your moan. And then, it stopped.
This cycle went on for an hour, the vibrator randomly turning on super low, jumping to high, staying off for a bit, it was pure torture, and it wasn't enough to make you cum, either, so you just had to bear it.
About 30 minutes into this torture, you realized something even worse. You had to pee.
You were sweating, shaking, panting, face bright red, trying not to piss yourself, when the vibrator stopped and the door jiggled. Your heart nearly stopped, afraid it was some poor doctor who would have to see it.
But you were relieved to see your doctor slip into the room.
"My my- you're quite a mess!"
"MmhmmmhmmhhMMM!" you tried yelling at him through the bandage on your mouth.
"Princess, use your words! Oh wait- you cant!"
He detached the vibrator from your clit, and removed the bandage on your mouth.
"I'm gonna examine your pussy, okay?"
"Y-yes doctor."
You gasped at the feeling of his freezing cold hands touching your pussy lightly.
“Are you sensitive here…?" he touched your clit, smirking as you squirmed.
"Or.. here, perhaps?" he lightly circled your entrance with his fingers.
"Y-Yes doctor! I'm so- I'm so sensitive- please- give me an examination or a checkup please- I need to- I need-"
You were babbling, forgetting how to talk.
Suddenly, a hand came down, smacking your pussy. You moaned loudly, looking up at him with tears gathering in your eyes.
"Princess, doctor can't understand you. What do you want?"
"Doc-Doctor I- I need bathroom... please let me go to the bathroom.. th-then we continue."
"Ah, I don't think that's necessary. You may hold it."
"Doctor! Please!"
"No can do, princess. Doctor says no. Do I need to dumb it down more for you? Is doctor speaking too many big words for you to understand?"
"W-Why can't I go pee..?" you said in a small voice.
"Because! You follow doctor's orders, not your own. Doctor says no, you only listen to doctor."
"Y-Yes doctor."
"That's a good girl. Now let's start your examination."
He came over and took both of your breasts in his hands. He rolled your nipples in his fingers and kneaded your breasts until you were whining, face red from embarrassment.
"Is my princess embarrassed? Let your doctor take care of you. He knows what's best. Don't be embarrassed."
He stopped playing with your breasts and moved down to your pussy. Without warning, he dipped his fingers in and curled them painfully slow.
"Doctor!"
"Shh."
You obeyed, stifling your moans as he brought you closer and closer to an orgasm with every slow curl of his fingers.
"Do-Doctor- I'm gonna- p-pee..."
"Okay. Go then."
"B-But Doctor-"
"I said, go princess."
"Yes doctor..." you said, ashamed, as piss pooled out of your pussy, dripping onto the floor.
He continued to finger you slowly as you peed.
You hid your face with your arm.
"Don't be embarrassed princess, I already told you."
"G-Gonna c-cum."
"No. You're not."
He removed his fingers with a sinister grin.
He then slipped his shirt off, followed by his pants, again, leaving him in just his boxers and the gloves he had on.
He peeled your restraints off slowly, looking you in the eye. You looked back at him nervously, trying not to shake.
He then picked you up, surprising you.
"You can wrap your legs around me, it's okay."
He was holding you like a child, but it didn't last long. He put his knee against the wall and let you down so you were sitting on his thigh. He then pressed another kiss onto your mouth.
"Ride." he commanded.
You began to grind onto his thigh, your moans coming out breathy and short.
He reached down to your clit and circled it, and sent a tiny jolt of electricity through his fingers.
"Doctor!"
"Shh princess. Breathe with me okay? In, out. Just like that."
As he led you through breathing, he was sending more electricity to your already abused pussy, making it near impossible not to cum.
"Doct-Doctor ple-please, m'cumming! Let me cum, please!"
You could barely form coherent sentences, you were so focused on trying not to cum.
He placed his hands under your armpits and lifted you up again, holding you once again, like a child. He placed you onto the table again, the wetness from your legs audible.
"I think it's time for Doctor's cock. Are you ready for doctor's cock?"
"Yes doctor! Pl-please! I n-need y-your cock! Please! Breed- breed me!"
"Of course princess."
He finally removed his boxers and gloves, climbing onto the table with you. He put your legs up into the mating press position, and shoved his full length in.
"Aah! D-Doctor- feels so- so good! Please!"
"You said you were a virgin, right?" he asked as he snapped his length into you again.
"Y-Yes doctor."
You could feel every vane, the slight curve, every twitch of his cock as it hit your walls.
"Y-You've never had anyone hit your g-spot then?"
"N-No doctor! I-It's only for you- only you!"
"If you cum without permission, I'm gonna make you cum again. Got it?" he asked with a grunt, as he tried to find your spot.
"Y-Yes doctor!
He began to rub your clit, sending more bliss falling over you. You had been trying not to cum for around two hours now, and it was at this point, slightly painful. You were overstimulated and you hadn't even gotten to cum yet.
His eyes rolled back as he hit that spongy spot- and you almost screamed. You moaned loudly, fingers gripping into his back, toes curling. All you could see was white, and you heard a loud squelch.
"Pr-Princess! You squirted.. what a b-bad girl... c'mon, I know you've got another one in there for me! This time cum WITH permission though."
"Y-Yes doctor!"
He continued to snap his hips into yours. You gasped when he bottomed out, hitting against your cervix. He rubbed your clit harder and continued to pump into you, hitting your g-spot and cervix with every thrust.
"M'gonna cum s-straight into y-your pretty little w-womb. I'll fill you u-up with my kids! You'll be s-swollen and pregnant- you'll be m-my princess f-forever! D-Do you like the s-sound of that?"
"Yes doctor!" you cried out blissfully.
"G-Good girl! C-Cum wi-with me!"
His pace stuttered and his cock twitched hard as hot white cum filled your womb. You couldn't hold back your second orgasm as you came around his cock again, pussy fluttering wildly.
He pulled out slowly, and wiped his now soft cock off with a tissue.
"Princess. You're leaking."
He gathered the cum that was dripping out and pushed it back in.
He got dressed, but when you tried he stopped you and told you to sit back on the table.
"I see you're on birth control on my charts, by the way. Let's take you off of that. And since your heartbeat was a little fast, I'll schedule you back about a week out, how does that sound?"
"G-Good. T-Thank you."
"No problem! Oh- you're leaking again, here."
He pulled out a small plug from his drawer, gathered his cum on his fingers once again, pushed it back inside, and inserted the plug into your cunt.
"Take this out when you know you won't leak my cum anymore."
"Y-Yes doctor. Thank you."
"Oh- and take these every day until next week when you come back for me, okay?"
He handed you a small bottle with tiny pink pills in it. You read the label out loud.
Stimulation In A Bottle for low sex drives
"Low sex drive?"
"Yeah. Coming off your birth control might mess you up a little, it could mean a lower sex drive, or double the sex drive. Best not to risk it, princess."
"B-But-"
"I need to hear a "yes doctor" from you, please."
"Yes doctor."
"Good, now get dressed, I'll see you next week. Oh- and the janitor will clean the pee up. I'll just say it was a child."
"Yes doctor."
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my first ever anime was probably pokemon when i was like 6 but it didn't impress me much. like it was in romanian dub (a sin against god) and i still remember ash's voice. i remember an episode where he was stuck in a cave with all of his animal child soldiers being all sad dying and shit. other than that nothing much but misty was cute. 2/10
first actual title that has put a beginning to the brain damage that will never heal was sailor moon. it was on a russian channel, in russian dub. everyone else has kept their japanese names but they made usagi into bunny for some reason??? they aired one episode per week on saturdays at 11 am. my parents didn't like that i was so invested in this cartoon so they made the channel it aired on inaccessible from our tvs, and every saturday i'd religiously go to my bff's house to watch it. we were 8 and we were watching sailor moon. when hotaru appeared it did something horrible to me, i was literally SO obsessed with her it felt like i was possessed. i've never seen the whole thing as a kid tho, they cut it off midway the season when those cross-dressers appeared, and i watched it all as an adult about 4 years ago. it's not a good title, objectively speaking. but it IS iconic as hell. 5.5/10
we had this romanian channel that aired cartoons for toddlers the whole day but would change its whole brand (including the name) at 8:00 pm and only show japanese anime. most of it was aired in original with romanian subtitles, tho a few titles were in english dub with romanian subtitles for some reason. anyway my bff stumbled upon inuyasha there one day and was like you should check it out it's just like sailor moon! and at first i refused. because it felt like if i did i would be betraying sailor moon. some would call it autistic stubbornness (which it was) but i like to think it was my guardian angel trying to shield me from a future of pathetic nerdom (failed, alas). i did end up checking it out though, and man... it was BAD. because unlike sailor moon, it was airing monday-friday at 8:45 pm. this 8-9 years old child has been lost to society. kikyo is still my fucking queen i'd die for. they never showed the whole thing, idk maybe they didn't buy it entirely or didn't sub it entirely but they'd cut off at around episode 110 so i finished it as an adult. i rewatch inuyasha every 4-5 years and honestly my bias aside it's not a bad series. a bit corny and repetitive but it comes with the genre i guess. objectively it's a 6, but i'll give it a 7/10 because it's the series of my childhood.
slayers would air before it, at 8:20 pm. i liked it but was never overly invested, probably because the character designs are ugly as hell. all the openings slap to this day. due to not being particularly invested i don't remember much except that they never showed the degenerate side of it so i never met the bikini girl, thankfully. i think that it's way better than most of the trash yall grew up with and lina is best girl. 6/10
the stuff after would change often, but i remember that trigun and cowboy bebop were kind of on rotation at 9:10 pm because they are short. both good, solid titles. rewatched them both as an adult. trigun is better than cowboy bebop but both are 8/10.
third thing that was on rotation was kiddy grade, which nobody knows about because it's weird ecchi. idk why it was there. i was obsessed nevertheless. or rather, OBSESSED. lumiere from there was on the same level as hotaru and kikyo (mostly bc my bff and i each had an assigned girl lmao she was an usagi/kagome/eclair kind of girl). it felt weirdly pretentious for something that showed so many pantyshots of supposedly underaged girls. rewatched it as an adult too and like... i can't be objective here lol i loved it so much as a kid. 5/10. the objective score would be lower. but the ending song is SO good i'm still obsessed with it...
when the short stuff all completed their rotation they started airing yu yu hakusho at some point. i fucking hated it so much, it was SO boring, yuusuke was a repulsive asshole, botan was boring and pink so i didn't like her, keiko was just some guy and i hated literally everyone else. except kurama. i liked him because he looked and sounded like a pretty girl so he was one in my head, and his demon form looked like inuyasha (i hated the dude himself but loved the title you see). i've been a shounen hater since birth i guess but i was frothing at the mouth as i watched all 100+ episodes of that shit like 3 or 4 times in a row. all they do is train and fight and there's no girls. lame! 3/10
#after that i discovered the internet at age 10 with its more free access to more stuff. with its elfen lied.#and at 11 we got internet at home and in the same year went for limitless so it was over for my brain for real#they aired other stuff like tokyo mew mew and random short anime i don't remember but these titles i imprinted on severely lmao#oh also there was gravitation my introduction to yaoi... i was positively obsessed with yuki eiri. which proves that he's female-coded#bc i didn't give a fuck about male characters as a kid (i was so smart back then for real)#anyway very thankful that they didn't buy naruto or bleach or one piece bc you all seem to be struggling so bad
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Apartment complex:
A Stairwell Encounter
Maria had been working the nightshift about 8 months. It was physically and mentally taxing and it also destroyed her social life but she loved the work and you can't beat the pay.
Around 3 months ago she was heading up to her apartment at 6:30 when there was a slam and then a young man dashed past her with a hurried apology followed by frantic muttering about the time. In that first encounter the only thing she could determine was his hair was a very light blond color.
From that point onwards he became part of the routine showing up right around 6:30. He was always in a hurry but never nearly bowled her over as he did the first time they met. He might have been taller then her but he ran with quick strides and body hunched so it was hard to tell. He was heavily layered and fairly strong as he was always carrying a backpack and two duffel bags that would sometimes clank and clunk like they were full of tools. He was constantly slightly rumpled like he had made an effort to dress nicely but then fell asleep in his clothes. He always said hello but never really stuck around long enough to get a hello back.
One day on the way up the stairs there was the familiar slam of the door shutting and then the sounds of rapid foot falls that signalled his arrival. However, today he stopped when they met on the landing.
"Hey this might be a little awkward but we pass each other every morning and I thought hey why not get to know a fellow tenant. I'm Andrew I live in 4b."
"Maria 3a, I didn't think anyone was in 4b because of the . . ."
"the wasps yeah. They're a pain but I'm out during the day when they're most active and at night they mostly leave me alone as long as I stay off the balcony. Every so often you get one of the brave ones in the apartment but it's not a big deal."
"you ever got stung?"
"only once, but boy did it hurt. I swelled up like a balloon. Never doing that again if I can help it. What about you, I heard 3a had a bit of a rat problem, that still ongoing?"
"unfortunately, but I work nights and they mostly hide during the day so I really don't see them that much"
"well if you never need any help with that I am actually pretty good at pest control"
The talks with Andrew in the morning became part of her daily routine. It usually was nothing more then a "hello how you doing?" But it added a comfortable bit of human interaction into her otherwise socially deficient life. It got to the point that she began to look forward to her little chats with Andrew.
"Hey, you wanna grab a bite to eat one of these mornings? I mean I like hanging out with you, and with our schedules morning seemed like the best time."
"don't you have to be at work every morning?"
"My hours are more flexible then it seems. I just like getting an early start"
"Okay, any idea on where you wanna eat?"
"well what about the sandwich shop on 7th?"
"Didn't that place get hit by a tank when the military moved in? What about the bistro on the corner of Jenkins and 9th?"
"The Ivey infested it last week. We can't go to Mike's his place became a Nest"
"Why don't we keep our eyes open for a place that didn't shut down during the apocalypse and if we don't see something in a week we can have a picnic or something"
"sounds good to me. I'll let you know if I see something. I gotta go."
With that Andrew dashed down the stairs heading for his job, while she climbed up towards her apartment to get some sleep and maybe check if she still had that sundress she got a few years back.
#multichapter#post apocalypse#reference to apocalypse#military#apartment#wasp sting#wasp#fiction#rats#giant insect#giant rat#maria the undescribed#meet cute#i think#trying to plan a date in an apocalypse#picnic#andrew i have been informed is shifty
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