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continuations · 2 years ago

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Thinking About AI

I am writing this post to organize and share my thoughts about the extraordinary progress in artificial intelligence over the last years and especially the last few months (link to a lot of my prior writing). First, I want to come right out and say that anyone still dismissing what we are now seeing as a "parlor trick" or a "statistical parrot" is engaging in the most epic goal post moving ever. We are not talking a few extra yards here, the goal posts are not in the stadium anymore, they are in a far away city.

Growing up I was extremely fortunate that my parents supported my interest in computers by buying an Apple II for me and that a local computer science student took me under his wing. Through him I found two early AI books: one in German by Stoyan and Goerz (I don't recall the title) and Winston and Horn's "Artifical Intelligence." I still have both of these although locating them among the thousand or more books in our home will require a lot of time or hopefully soon a highly intelligent robot (ideally running the VIAM operating system -- shameless plug for a USV portfolio company). I am bringing this up here as a way of saying that I have spent a lot of time not just thinking about AI but also coding on early versions and have been following closely ever since.

I also pretty early on developed a conviction that computers would be better than humans at a great many things. For example, I told my Dad right after I first learned about programming around age 13 that I didn't really want to spend a lot of time learning how to play chess because computers would certainly beat us at this hands down. This was long before a chess program was actually good enough to beat the best human players. As an aside, I have changed my mind on this as follows: Chess is an incredible board game and if you want to learn it to play other humans (or machines) by all means do so as it can be a lot of fun (although I still suck at it). Much of my writing both here on Continuations and in my book is also based on the insight that much of what humans do is a type of computation and hence computers will eventually do it better than humans. Despite that there will still be many situations where we want a human instead exactly because they are a human. Sort of the way we still go to concerts instead of just listening to recorded music.

As I studied computer science both as an undergraduate and graduate student, one of the things that fascinated me was the history of trying to use brain like structures to compute. I don't want to rehash all of it here, but to understand where we are today, it is useful to understand where we have come from. The idea of modeling neurons in a computer as a way to build intelligence is quite old. Early electromechanical and electrical computers started getting built in the 1940s (e.g. ENIAC was completed in 1946) and the early papers on modeling neurons can be found from the same time in work by McCulloch and Pitts.

But almost as soon as people started working on neural networks more seriously, the naysayers emerged also. Famously Marvin Minsky and Seymour Paper wrote a book titled "Perceptrons" that showed that certain types of relatively simple neural networks had severe limitations, e.g. in expressing the XOR function. This was taken by many at the time as evidence that neural networks would never amount to much, when it came to building computer intelligence, helping to usher in the first artificial intelligence winter.

And so it went for several cycles. People would build bigger networks and make progress and others would point out the limitations of these networks. At one time people were so disenchanted that very few researchers were left in the field altogether. The most notable of these was Geoffrey Hinton who kept plugging away at finding new training algorithms and building bigger networks.

But then a funny thing happened. Computation kept getting cheaper and faster and memory became unfathomably large (my Apple II for reference had 48KB of storage on the motherboard and an extra 16KB in an extension card). That made it possible to build and train much larger networks. And all of a sudden some tasks that had seemed out of reach, such as deciphering handwriting or recognizing faces started to work pretty well. Of course immediately the goal post moving set in with people arguing that those are not examples of intelligence. I am not trying to repeat any of the arguments here because they were basically silly. We had taken a task that previously only humans could do and built machines that could do them. To me that's, well, artificial intelligence.

The next thing that we discovered is that while humans have big brains with lots of neurons in them, we can use only a tiny subset of our brain on highly specific tasks, such as playing the game of Go. With another turn of size and some further algorithmic breakthroughs all of a sudden we were able to build networks large enough to beat the best human player at Go. And not just beat the player but do so by making moves that were entirely novel. Or as we would have said if a human had made those moves "creative." Let me stay with this point of brain and network size for moment as it will turn out to be crucial shortly. A human Go player not only can only use a small part of their brain to play the game but the rest of their brain is actually a hindrance. It comes up with pesky thoughts at just the wrong time "Did I leave the stove on at home?" or "What is wrong with me that I didn't see this move coming, I am really bad at this" and all sorts of other interference that a neural network just trained to play Go does not have to contend with. The same is true for many other tasks such as reading radiology images to detect signs of cancer.

The other thing that should have probably occurred to us by then is that there is a lot of structure in the world. This is of course a good thing. Without structure, such as DNA, life wouldn't exist and you wouldn't be reading this text right now. Structure is an emergent property of systems and that's true for all systems, so structure is everywhere we look including in language. A string of random letters means nothing. The strings that mean something are a tiny subset of all the possible letter strings and so unsurprisingly that tiny subset contains a lot of structure. As we make neural networks bigger and train them better they uncover that structure. And of course that's exactly what that big brain of ours does too.

So I was not all that surprised when large language models were able to produce text that sounded highly credible (even when it was hallucinated). Conversely I found the criticism from some people that making language models larger would simply be a waste of time confounding. After all, it seems pretty obvious that more intelligent species have, larger brains than less intelligent ones (this is obviously not perfectly correlated). I am using the word intelligence here loosely in a way that I think is accessible but also hides the fact that we don't actually have a good definition of what intelligence is, which is what has made the goal post moving possible.

Now we find ourselves confronted with the clear reality that our big brains are using only a fraction of their neurons for most language interactions. The word "most" is doing a lot of work here but bear with me. The biggest language models today are still a lot smaller than our brain but damn are they good at language. So the latest refuge of the goal post movers is the "but they don't understand what the language means." But is that really true?

As is often the case with complex material, Sabine Hossenfelder, has a great video that helps us think about what it means to "understand" something. Disclosure: I have been supporting Sabine for some time via Patreon. Further disclosure: Brilliant, which is a major advertiser on Sabine's channel, is a USV portfolio company. With this out of the way I encourage you to watch the following video.

youtube

So where do I think we are? At a place where for fields where language and/or two dimensional images let you build a good model, AI is rapidly performing at a level that exceeds that of many humans. That's because the structure it uncovers from the language is the model. We can see this simply by looking at tests in those domains. I really liked Bryan Caplan's post where he was first skeptical based on an earlier version performing poorly on his exams but the latest version did better than many of his students. But when building the model requires input that goes beyond language and two dimensional images, such as understanding three dimensional shapes from three dimensional images (instead of inferring them from two dimensional ones) then the currently inferred models are still weak or incomplete. It seems pretty clear though that progress in filling in those will happen at a breathtaking pace from here.

Since this is getting rather long, I will separate out my thoughts on where we are going next into more posts. As a preview, I believe we are now at the threshold to artificial general intelligence, or what I call "neohumans" in my book The World After Capital. And even if that takes a bit longer, artificial domain specific intelligence will be outperforming humans in a great many fields, especially ones that do not require manipulating the world with that other magic piece of equipment we have: hands with opposable thumbs. No matter what the stakes are now extremely high and we have to get our act together quickly on the implications of artificial intelligence.

#artificial intelligence #ai

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mysticetus · 2 years ago

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what kind of things have you learned from taxidermy, anatomically or otherwise? i've recently gotten much more interested in natural sciences and taxonomy and i'd love to see the kinds of things you learn in specific fields related to it :)

:D! awesome ask

its hard to draw a line between prior knowledge and gained knowledge with my taxidermy internship because im already a biology major and im currently in my third year. i also did some things in high school (mostly work at an animal hospital and summer docenting that involved specimens and public education) ... so i came into this internship with knowledge on basic things like physiology, organ systems, the names of bones, etc...

but i also didnt know that much about ornithology, which was ironic since i was exclusively working with birds. on the educational side i got a lot of hands on experience meticulously breaking apart and separating avian skeletal, muscular, and organ systems... if you ever have the chance to attend a necropsy or do a dissection, i think this is the best way to learn about physiology. you get a really good sense of scale and the durability of the body.

the actual process was way more straightforward than i thought. it mostly just involves pulling skin away from muscle, which is a lot easier than youd think...id say 80% of the process is breaking through fascia, or the connective tissue under the skin. otherwise its mostly stripping muscle and tendon from bone, or in the skull's case, excising the eyeballs and scooping out the brain.

you get a really good sense of different tissue types. there were times id sever tendons to clear the muscle away, and then incidentally discover that if i pulled a tendon it would flex a certain toe...

but the actual process of taxiermy itself doesnt really require much knowledge or even professionalism. even though we were creating specimens for a professional natural history collection, most of my colleagues were students with unrelated majors and our teacher was a neuroscience grad student. like. she didnt know what i meant when i named certain bones while asking her questions.

if you want to learn more about physiology getting the opportunity to skin and dissect animals via taxidermy is great. if you wanna know more about taxonomy, id recommend looking to do curation work in a natural history museum, since that involves more organization of specimens and will have you learning their scientific names, families, etc. as well as gain a familiarity with the diversity of certain clades.

hope this answers it...i am happy to elaborate or talk more about it. thanks for giving me the chance to talk about my work :)

#ask

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postnoktmeza-fela-amorado · 2 months ago

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Chem Lab Technician Graduate (yeah, I never got the title) Reviews Furry Porn Game

Dr. Doe's Chemistry Quiz is a furry porn game created by Alfa995 which can be played in Newgrounds. It gained some meme traction solely based on the fact that it is a furry porn game, that's all, its sexual content is actually quite tame and vanilla.

As the title suggests, in the game the titular Dr. Doe (who's a female deer obviously) takes you through a 10-question quiz on basic chemistry (almost trivia-like) questions. Its sexual element comes from the game mechanic consisting that each time you get a question right, the doctor will take off a piece of clothing. If you succesfully answer all ten questions right, she shall stand naked in front of the chalkboard, exclaiming that she's proud of you and will finally introduce the "special prize" the doctor first mentions at the start of the gaming experience, with a "Tell me, ever fucked a deer before~?"

The chemistry aspect of such game interested me as a great enthusiast of such subject, I could go in deep here of my history with it but I have done that already many times in many spots.

Is it a brag to say the quiz is easy for me? I mean, it's not supossed to be complicated, this is not the final test for a lab class, they are motherhecking questions in a porn game, but I know some of this stuff isn't like common knowledge, so.

I will of course admit that I don't always get a perfect score on my first try everytime. A question that I always struggle with is the one about the composition of aqua regia. To be fair we never worked with it at the lab. There was a lab practice that included it but we never actually did it with such because apparently of how potentionally dangerous it can be, aqua regia is a mixture of nitric and hydrochloric acid, toxic corrosive cocktail, dear my.

Also the question regarding the atomic models. I know very well in my heart Thompson and his British Christmas pudding, but sorry Rutherford and Bohr, I can't remember which one is one with you two.

The quiz ofc is silly at times, with Hank Hill being mentioned in the question about the propane formula, the one about the formula for nitric oxide which is literally NO, and the question with the answer of Half-Life 3 release being the correct pick for which one is the longest half-life.

Then there was a question about which of the following elements is not real. All the options were elements named after countries, the answer was Mexicanium. The doctor after such exclaims how she is not ok with such, and tells us proudly how she will discover an element in the future to name it as such.

The character along with her creator are Mexicans, such as myself. And it was then when I was reminded of little me. Little Ari also dreamt of there being an element in the future named after our nation, I dreamt of discovering elements and naming them after Mexico, and me, my family members, and the great people of science; and them having weird and unrealistic properties. I think I still have the little drawings I did of such. I sure was set into a memory lane right there.

Everytime that in media I see incorrect lab practices, I always point such out. I mean, I even have a tag in my main blog for unfastened lab coats. But I mean, let's remind ourselves of what we're talking about here, a porn game, it's a porn game; are we really gonna talk about "realism" in such an environment? Also, Alfa965 already has a video of such (it's in YouTube), of pointing out the doctor's not very safe lab practices.

I would say that fucking at a lab's only appeal for me would be the fact that it's not allowed and one could see us, but personally I don't think I even that kind of person. It's not a very comfy place, I myself can't position myself comfortable when I try to take a nap there (I am a very responsible student), those metal tables are hard as hell. But maybe this game doesn't even take place in a lab, we see no hard indication of it and it well could be a regular classroom where the theorical part of chemistry gets taught.

About the sex scene itself in the game, it's a simple one. It's not like one can ask for much but I would suggest to add a second sex scene with perhaps a new pose as the reward for the hard version of the game (which gives you only ten seconds to answer the original harder questions).

Once you beat the game, a new option in the menu will be available for you to access to the sex scene without having to do that test again. But if you do it again like I always do, the doctor will comment on how such is not necessary anymore and even wonders if the player actually likes to do the quiz. She might be right.

What even is the conclusion here? Uhhhhh.

I'm not horny for chemistry, very dissapointing conclusion.

I wish I could go back in time to pick another career actually.

#miaj blogaĵoj

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karlachgale95 · 2 months ago

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Hearts of the Multiverse-Chapter Seven: The Bidding

A/N: If you’re here from Tiktok, welcome! Yes, I saw it haha. I actually thought it was funny, and I thank the OP for all the reads it got me. I understand that this crossover is a bit…ambitious to say the least. However, I’m just paying homage to some stuff I love. I really love Sailor Moon S. It is my favorite arc of the series. If this goes successfully, I might do Super S and Stars multiverse style haha. I did change the rating to mature because I wrote some innuendos for Angel Dust and Astarion. However, I am not showing anything explicit. I don’t like writing that stuff, to be honest. No hate to people who do. It’s just not my thing. I’m more about fluff and adventure. So, without further ado, I hope you like this chapter. Be sure to let me know what you think in the comments below!

And so, Miles and others joined Rei’s study group. It started as pure interest for Sokka. He wanted to see how stuff differed from the Southern Water Tribe (The Four Nations, really). Katara thought this was a great idea and became interested herself, reluctantly bringing Zuko into the group. Miles noticed that some *cough* Minako, Usagi, and Makoto *cough* would struggle with a lot of math, science, English, history, and anything that wasn’t the humanities. Considering he was a top student, he helped them. Giorno joined because he was great at math, especially anything statistics based. Arven was behind in his own studies, so he joined after Nemona insisted they join. Luz was on par with Giorno. Hunter was also a pretty fast learner; truth be told, Miles thought they joined because they had fun hanging out with everyone. Josuke joined because he also needed to study—like a lot. Lillie helped when she could, although most times, she was talking to Gideon. Pav and Kakyoin would occasionally come over and help, since there were a lot of people who needed it. Adora trained instead, and Starfire took an interest if Robin were in the study session. Anne actually did study with them, something about needing to master MLA skills (to which Luz and Miles gladly helped). Sometimes Kaiba, Robin, and Connie would stop by to report anything they found, or study. Connie and Robin seemed impressed by Ami. Connie wanted to keep up with Ami somehow even after everything had returned to normal. Though Miles would tell her, that’s not necessarily a good idea. Even Kaiba seemed impressed by Ami. And, admittedly, Miles was, too. She solved the hardest mathematical equations he’d seen.

“Miles, is number eight right?” Mako asked, holding up her paper in front of him.

He’d been popular around the study table. He did know what he was talking about, but it was a much-needed ego boost. Funny thing was, Mako asked him a lot more than the others, despite Giorno probably being the best at math.

He glanced over the problem and gave her a smile. “Yeah! You got it, Mako!”

“Haha!” Mako cheered, pumping her fists in the air. “Thanks Miles! I would’ve never understood these dumb logarithmic equations without you.”

“You would’ve gotten it,” Miles assured her. “You just needed someone to show you a play-by-play.”

“I suppose so,” Mako said with a small giggle.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT NEGATIVE SEVEN?” Josuke and Usagi asked in unison.

“You two really shouldn’t copy each other’s answers to try and get out of work,” Rei said, sipping a cup of tea. “You’re both really bad at math. Why didn’t you ask Ami, Giorno, or Miles for help?”

“Because then the math will have won, Rei,” Josuke insisted.

Usagi laughed. “Yeah! He’s right!”

She slammed her homework down on the table and pointed to the problem in question, “In the name of the moon, I’ll punish you!”

It was quiet for a minute before Josuke gave her a pity laugh. She hung her head. “Oh, come on, that was funny.”

“We’re not here to make jokes,” Zuko said sternly. “We’re here to study.”

“You’re just mad you had to join,” Katara teased.

“I agree,” Giorno spoke up, albeit a bit hesitantly. “Zuko is right. We’re supposed to be helping you study.”

Zuko, caught off guard a bit, seemed suspicious, and then a little guilty. Guy was hard to read. Giorno didn’t react, even if he noticed.

He turned to Miles. “Miles, Minako is struggling with this bit of theory, I don’t have the answer, do you think you can help her?”

“Sure,” Miles said, taking a glance at the textbook.

It was on dark matter. It seemed so long ago that he was studying dark matter in his dorm room, trying to find a way to get back to the other universes. Now that they were in one messy conglomerate, he dreaded who would come by the shrine next. He was surprised Gwen hadn’t. Apparently, both Pav and Kaiba had stuck to their words of not letting her know where they were. He didn’t want to see her—not right now.

“It’s matter that doesn’t absorb, reflect, or admit light,” Miles explained. “People theorized it could be used to cross dimensions—universes even.”

“Then why aren’t we using it?” Sokka asked.

“It’s all speculative theory, some people say,” Miles said. “Though, I know it’s real.”

“How?” Zuko asked.

“Used it before…by accident,” Miles said with a laugh. “And so have people I fought. They’re the scary ones. Villains who can travel through dimensions should be taken seriously.”

Voice of experience.

Rei frowned. “You don’t think the heart snatchers could be from a different universe, do you?”

“It’s possible,” Miles said honestly. “I’d worry about those two senshi who seem to be out for their own ‘mission,’ too. They’re probably more dangerous than your villains of the week. Maybe THEY’RE from another dimension.”

Usagi shook her head. “I don’t think so. We’re all senshi. We have to be similar somehow. They always give the crystals back.”

“They almost gave Unazuki’s back too late,” Sokka pointed out. “She could’ve died.”

“Maybe try talking to them?” Katara suggested. “I think both of you have a point. They fight the daimon just like we do. You could try to convince them to join up. After all, Usagi, you said the senshi are supposed to be a team. So, there could be other reasons why they’re hesitant to help our team.”

“You need to be careful,” Zuko murmured. “People who are driven by their own goals and motivations, no matter how flawed, can be too determined to their own point of view. It might be hard to get them to talk to you—or compromise.”

“Good advice,” Giorno said.

Again, another stare. At this, even Giorno seemed confused.

“Hey, excuse us for a second,” Miles said, pulling Giorno into a disconnected room. Once he was sure no one was watching, he asked, “Dude, what are you doing?”

“…Trying to be friendly.”

“Dude, that is not friendly. That’s suspicious! Muy sospechoso!”

“It’s not as easy as it looks. The people I’ve dealt with did all the interpersonal stuff better,” Giorno said.

“It’s easy,” Miles said. “You’ve just gotta relax, you know? Just be natural. Talk like you’re talking to your friends.”

“Those aren’t a sure thing where I come from, Miles,” Giorno snapped back. He sighed. “Look, I appreciate the advice, it’s simply harder to know who’s your friend for the sake of business and who is eventually going to stab you in the back.”

Miles was quiet for a minute. Of course, he knew what that was like. The insinuation of doubt was almost insulting.

“I know you’ve said your friends betrayed you,” Giorno said. “But at least you have a good family. You’re fighting hard for your dad. It’s admirable. I never had any of that. Not that I’m whining, but you have to understand where I’m coming from Miles.”

“I—,” Miles began. He cut himself off. He had a feeling this was the first time Giorno had opened up to anyone, maybe ever. “No. You’re right. I wouldn’t know. I’m sorry.”

He kind of chuckled. “The first time I talked to Gwen, I ended up ripping her hair out.”

Giorno blinked. “What?”

“I was taking my uncle’s advice. He was super good with girls, and he taught me the shoulder-technique.”

“Do I dare ask?”

Miles reached his arm out and loosely touched Giorno’s shoulder. He raised an eyebrow and said, “Hey.”

They were quiet for a minute before they both started laughing. Miles was sure it was the first time he’d ever seen Giorno laugh in the month they’d been here.

“Did that actually work for him?” Giorno asked.

“He swore by it,” Miles said.

“I guess it would work better on someone who was actually interested in that kind of stuff.”

“No girlfriend back home, huh?”

“Not interested in it. Relationships would get in the way of my actual interests: reform. There’s too much corruption in Italy. A lot of things I’m still working on. Also, I’ve never been too keen on the idea of a relationship. It just never struck me as something I wanted.”

“So, you’re ace. That’s cool.”

It was quiet for a minute before Usagi called out, “Gio! Can you help me with this probability question?”

Giorno smirked. “Future queen of the moon. Whatever that means.”

“If you figure it out, let me know.”

…

This place was much more grandiose than most taverns he’d stayed in; the cobwebs were a nice touch. Astarion never knew demons to be incredibly hospitable creatures, but the lovely owner and proprietor of this place was kind and generous—her girlfriend—a bit more frightening. She reminded him of Lae’zel. Unfortunately, he also met someone who painfully reminded him of himself. And he could only trust people like himself so much.

Fortunately, people like himself made for great conversation.

“So, a vampire…I bet you’ve lived a while,” Angel mused. “Sleep around a lot?”

“Darling, I lost count over a hundred years ago.”

“Any of ‘em any good?”

Astarion scoffed. “A seldom few.”

He turned a coquettish smile to Angel. “And you?”

“I do this shit for a living,” Angel bragged. “Though, I’m always better than the other guy.”

“You must have a contract with someone, then,” Astarion said. “I’m sure neither of us believes in bodily charity.”

Angel shifted in his high-heeled boots and chuckled nervously. “Heh. Yeah. That’s a good way of putting it.”

Astarion had been at the hotel for a week now. He’d joined when some wayward priest and another vampire had found him, starved, and hiding from the sun. He wasn’t sure how they had gotten here, but he knew the blonde adonis and his loyal disciple were up to something. One didn’t live with Cazador as long as he did and not figure out when a plot was brewing. If it didn’t involve encroaching upon his safety, well, Astarion didn’t care. Besides, he’d shown him kindness by taking him to his hotel. Little Miss Demon Sunshine kept him fed.

Though, one thing he did note is that he and the so-called radio demon did not get along. He sensed an unease, something the blonde had against the demon. Perhaps he was doing some sort of surveillance on him, but as to what purpose, Astarion wasn’t sure. Admittedly, the always-smiling, Radio Demon possessed a charm to disturb and set himself apart from the others. Astarion had talked to him once, and once was enough.

The white-haired prosecutor mainly kept talking to Miss Sunshine, her angel girlfriend, and the bartender. They seemed to get along the best.

Right now, Angel and Astarion were keeping a casual eye on the television (or the visual sending stone as he preferred) in the center of the room. Some broad-shouldered, tall, dark, and handsome was speaking: “Anomalies have been growing at an alarming rate. There has been no sign of universal disruption, but we are keeping a continuous eye out for anything or anyone who could prove to be dangerous for public safety and wellbeing.”

“Manipulation at its finest,” A dark and deep voice mused near them.

“Gods damned!” Astarion shrieked, shrinking back from the silent eavesdropper. It was the other vampire, Dio. “How did you bloody do that? I’m usually the first to sense if someone is near me, thank-you-very-much!”

Dio smirked. “Isn’t blasphemy contrary to what is supposed to be practiced here?”

“He’s got a point,” Angel said with a small laugh. “You done sinned, gorgeous. You should be punished.”

Astarion flustered and still perturbed, straightened out his clothes. He looked to Dio. “Did you want to speak with us?”

“Only for a moment,” Dio said. He leaned in. “The cat-man can’t say anything, but I’ve noticed that both of you stay away from Alastor. Why is that?”

“He’s a dealmaker,” Angel explained. “He makes unfair deals with other sinners to gain an advantage. Weird sinner named Mimzy once said he killed a lot of overlords just to gain their powers. It’s surprising that Hus…well, it’s surprising that anyone who ever makes a deal with him lives to talk about it.”

“I see,” Dio said, rubbing his chin. He turned to Astarion. “And what do you make of him?”

“Darling,” Astarion said, taking a swig from a shot-glass of blood. “I’ve met far too many people like Alastor.”

‘And like you,’ he wanted to say. But he held his tongue. He didn’t want to exhaust his resources in this strange, new world so quickly.

“In any case,” Astarion said. “I’ve put my days of making deals with ever-lasting binding terms behind me.”

“Hey, good for you, man,” Angel said, taking a sip from his own glass. “At least one of us can say that.”

“Is there any way to get out of a demon’s contract?” Dio asked.

“Don’t know,” Angel said. “It’s never happened before, I mean, unless the contracted dies, I guess.”

This wasn’t the answer Dio was looking for. He grimaced and crossed his arms. “I’m sure there is…”

Angel placed his glass down on the bar and put a hand on Dio’s shoulder, “Well honey, if you find one, let me know.”

Dio chuckled. “I’m sure I will…and likewise, Anthony.”

“Wait…how did you?”

“Alastor has his ways of obtaining information, and I have mine,” Dio said simply.

Astarion sloshed his glass and without thinking much guessed, “The priest?”

Dio grinned, more devilishly than any of the inhabitants. “He’s knowledgeable, yes. And he helps when he can, but I’ve seen more to this world…this scheme than most. I refuse to give up. Perhaps if I kill the bastard.”

“Uh, what?” Angel asked, almost in disbelief. “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve heard. Look, whoever you’re trying to get out of a contract, it’s like I said, it doesn’t stop at the contractor’s death. It stops with whoever’s signed a contract.”

“That’s usually how it works,” Astarion nodded. “It’s always stacked in the disadvantage of the poor bastard who’s signed the damn thing.”

“I suppose you two would know,” Dio said, his face souring. He sat down on one of the more comfortable chairs and held his head in his hand. “To think I’d been brought back to finally fix my mistakes and to have such a huge disadvantage thrown at someone I was supposed to protect.”

“Did…did someone you care about sign a contract with Alastor?” Angel asked. “Look, you don’t have to tell me, but I get it, you’ll want to help them. I want to help someone get out of his contract, too. Maybe there’s something we’re not seeing, huh?”

Astarion didn’t respond. Something was off. He’d told his fair share of lies. Perhaps Dio was telling part of the truth, but there was still something lurking. Both he and Alastor, however much in opposition they may be, were the same men. He knew it.

He knew it because he was much the same. And poor Angel Dust, just like Tav, more concerned for the emotional ramifications than his own safety, seemed genuinely upset. Internally, Astarion groaned. He’d do what Tav did for him; he’d make sure Angel didn’t get hurt or used for some nefarious purpose. He figured he owed that to someone.

“If you can find a solution, I’ll help you break your contract, Anthony,” Dio said. “Anyone who should help I, Dio, will be greatly rewarded.”

With that the blonde vampire stood. He gave Astarion an unreadable look. “And I mean anyone. I’ve been told you were freed from your own personal enslavement, correct?”

Now Astarion shifted in his boots. “It was more of a group effort.”

“Then you should find your group,” Dio said. “There are forces at work here—ones not to be trusted. I assure you, I will soon gain enough power to put an end to anything that would hurt those of us who never had a chance—those much like ourselves. If only you will help me, I’ll help you. I swear it.”

“Alright then,” Angel said, surprisingly confident. A feeling Astarion wasn’t currently feeling. “If you’re so trustworthy, you could at least tell us who you’re fighting for. I’m not gonna help some asshole who wants more power for the sake of power.”

Dio flinched and turned away. “It’s my son. He’s made a terrible error. I must help him.”

“For real?” Angel asked. “How old is he?”

“Only fifteen.”

“Only fifteen?” Angel repeated. “Jesus, I knew Alastor was bad, but not making deals with kids bad.”

“We shouldn’t talk about that too much here. The prosecutor has agreed to help find any loopholes. If we work together, there is a better world for all of us: no contracts, the sun on our faces, redemption. It’s within reach!”

‘Of course there is, Cazador,’ Astarion’s mind screamed.

However, Angel looked, in that moment, hopeful. So hopeful that Astarion decided he would keep quiet.

“I’ll do what I can,” Angel whispered. “But you’re right. Maybe we should talk about this somewhere else.”

He grinned his voice dripping with suggestion, “Perhaps somewhere secluded. You can join, Astarion.”

“I’m flattered, but I’ve decided to not do that for now. I have the choice, now,” Astarion said. “Still, I suppose I’ll dig around. I don’t exactly trust Alastor, either.”

Not that he trusted Dio, but if Alastor were making deals like that, with children, no less, well, that was definitely Cazador behavior.

“And I want that choice, too,” Angel murmured.

Dio smiled, almost triumphantly. “Then we’ll meet elsewhere. I’ll give you the location later, as a precaution.”

He sauntered off. Angel was clearly puzzled. At least Astarion wouldn’t fall for anymore tricks.

Or he was almost sure he would not.

…

They’d split up. Bruno went with Abbachio, N (after promising to keep her safe) went with Maya, and he was with Edgeworth today. They’d been at this for a few weeks now. And there was no blooming friendship between Kaiba’s association and their own. Edgeworth frowned more than usual, which was an amazing feat to surpass. The two had gone to meet someone on a hiking trail. It was a woman, who worked with a doctor, apparently, she and her partner had been tipped off to a possible match of someone who fit Rose’s profile. Gideon had received the call and told Phoenix to go talk to her.

As they walked the dirt paths in the woods, they noticed some people singing and playing instruments, just happily walking along. Something about two lovers divided by a war.

The one with the shaggiest hair stopped, realizing that he and Edgeworth were on the path. “Oh hey, fancy-dressed nomads.”

“We are most certainly not,” Edgeworth objected. He turned to Phoenix, “Well, perhaps him if we lose this case, but certainly not me.”

“Actually, we’re here to meet with a woman who might know of a man by the name of Rose,” Phoenix explained, cutting a quick glare at Edgeworth.

“Rose, huh?” the man repeated. He scratched his chin and drew out a red, wooden guitar (?). “I know a song about some roses.”

Before Edgeworth or himself could protest, the man started playing and singing a new song:

Rose of red

Rose of blue

Once with dread

Now bloom anew

Wanting more

May get to shore

Or perish on the journey

When a more deadly root

Takes their place

Edgeworth furrowed his eyebrows. “Those last few verses lost their rhyme scheme.”

“Scheme-schmeem,” the man said. “Name’s Chong by the way.”

He gestured to the woman, “My wife, Lily.” He pointed to the other, stockier guy, “And that’s our friend, Moku.”

“Charmed,” Edgeworth said dryly.

“Come on, Edgeworth, I’m sure they worked hard on that song,” Phoenix said with a small grin.

“Yes, well, we have places to be,” Edgeworth said, grabbing his arm.

“Hey,” the woman, Lily called out, as they shuffled away. “Be careful, there’s some bad vibes back that way.”

“That’s why we’re booking it now,” Mako said.

Edgeworth stopped and paused for a moment, almost making Phoenix trip over himself. He stood still for a moment and shook his head, pushing forward. “It’s nonsense, Wright. Pure nonsense from vagabonds who speak absolute gibberish.”

“I don’t know, couldn’t they have been talking about one of those monsters?” Phoenix suggested. “They’ve been popping up more, you know.”

Another pause. “Hmm…perhaps we should consider turning back. Though, if we do, we’re both ruined. It wouldn’t matter if a monster were up ahead or Gideon Graves, himself, really.”

Phoenix was quiet for a minute. Sensing the tension. He grinned and nudged Miles’s shoulder, “You sure there’s a difference between them?”

He saw, for a brief second, Miles crack a smile. Mission accomplished. Then back to a frown. Phoenix didn’t mind. It’s just how Edgeworth worked. Honestly, it was kind of admirable to be so dead set on his goals and sense of doing the job correctly. Preferable to his days as the so-called ‘demon prosecutor.’ Edgeworth’s whole perspective had changed for the better. At least now, they could work together to find the absolute truth.

At least now they could spend time together.

“We should take some caution, going forward,” Miles said, “After all, you have a horrible habit of injuring yourself on these cases. Monster or no, let’s make sure there’s no more hospital bills in your near future.”

The grin was still slightly there.

Phoenix shook his head. “Hah. You wish, Edgeworth.”

Solemn was the best way to describe his next look. “I don’t.”

And then there were times when Edgeworth was completely unpredictable. He walked ahead of Phoenix; what had he said?

The two walked in silence until reaching somewhat of a clearing. On one of three stone benches a pale woman with long, red hair sat, waiting patiently. When she spotted the two, her lips formed a small smile.

“Mr. Wright, Mr. Edgeworth. I’m glad to make your acquaintance.” She got up, and shuffled a bunch of papers, thumbing through them methodically. “I’m sure you know why I’m here.”

“You are Dr. Knight,” Edgeworth assumed.

The woman nodded and held out the stack of papers towards them. As Edgeworth hesitantly reached for the papers, the magatama activated. At least ten psyche-locks popped up around the woman. She was lying—lying more than anyone he’d seen so far.

“Wait,” Phoenix said, pushing Miles away from the woman. “Why are you really here?”

The woman seemed slightly taken aback. She quickly regained her composure and shoved the papers towards Phoenix. “I suppose you’ll do, too.”

Not even thinking, Phoenix shoved the papers back, causing them to flutter—

No. Not flutter. The papers glowed. Glowed and swirled around into a vertex, sticking together to form some sort of humanoid monster. Words moved and floated across its body.

“Papella only needed one of your DNA signatures to attack,” the woman explained as Phoenix backed away. She turned to the monster. “Take this man’s heart and then Mr. Edgeworth, as well. I can make this into a double success for us! Come back to the lab when you’re finished. I have other places to be. More hearts to check.”

As she disappeared, someone yanked Phoenix away by the collar of his shirt. “Wright! Move!”

Having their situation sort of register, Phoenix acquiesced and started running with Edgeworth. However, they weren’t too far when something grabbed Phoenix’s ankle, sending him careening to the path below. The monster chuckled as it put down its foot (which looked and felt like a heavy paper weight) down on his chest. It outstretched its palm toward his chest.

For its effort, a suitcase was launched at its head and the prosecution threw a right hook. However, it caught Miles’s hand. He winced.

“Edgeworth!”

The monster, almost effortlessly, tossed him in the air and sent him colliding into a tree, knocking him out cold.

“How annoying. He’ll have his turn,” the monster said, glaring at Edgeworth. It turned back to Phoenix, a nefarious grin on its face. “Now it’s your last chapter.”

“Oi oi!”

Someone literally swung in, faster than any human he’d ever seen. They kicked the monster in the head so hard, it went face-first into the stone benches. The figure landed just a few inches away from him. He kind of looked like Spider-Man. But he wore a vest and a lot of spikes, even on the back of the mask. He held out a hand to Phoenix.

“You alright, mate?”

Phoenix barely nodded. He, at that moment, had to get to Miles. He needed to know he was okay. The monster, having regained its composure, looked from Phoenix to the possible Spider-Man. It leapt into the air, landing directly beside Miles. It grabbed him by his collar, holding him up in the air.

“Don’t come any closer or pretty boy gets it.”

“Put him down!” Phoenix yelled.

“No way! Maybe I’ll kill him first, and then you! I’m sure my boss doesn’t care which way it gets done. So long as it gets done.”

“Right, and who was that boss again?” the British Spider-Man asked.

“Like I’d tell you.”

“Sure you don’t want to?”

“Hell no! I’ll kill all three of you!”

A bird tweeted in the distance. Another echoed in another tree. And then the creature’s arms were severed from its body. A blond girl in a cheerleader’s uniform covered by scaled armor held the arm in one hand and a pink sword in the other. Edgeworth was caught by a person who leapt down from one of the lower branches. They had teal hair, glasses, and dressed like they were in some sort of English, medieval society. Another boy with brunette hair, similar armor, and two hooks impaled the creature, tearing two gashes through its side.

He kept a specific hold on the monster. “Hey, Guzma, you want your Golisopod to help drench this old wad of tissue?”

From the opposite tree came a voice that chuckled darkly. “Heh. Sure. Golisopod! Water beam!”

One man with white hair and strange shaped glasses, Hawaiian shirt, t-shirt, shorts, and gold necklace resembling the letter ‘S,’ beside him was a hulking, white monster with huge claws. It spat out a plume of water at the monster, drenching it.

The monster cried out at the teenage boy tore through it with his claws, ripping it in half. It lost its form and turned into regular papers, as it had been before.

Phoenix was almost too stunned to speak. However, there were pressing matters at hand. He looked to the teal-haired individual holding Miles. “I-is he okay?”

This person was checking his pulse and nodded. “Yes. Just seems like he hit his head hard. I don’t sense any serious damage, though.”

Phoenix was quiet for a minute. “Not that I’m not super grateful, but who are all you people?”

“I’m Guzma. I’m the big, bad boss who beats you down and beats you down…well…I’m Guzma. Not so much a boss anymore. If I’m gonna fix the system, gotta break those hierarchy roles, right HB?”

“You learn well young Golisopd,” the British Spider-Man said with slight amusement in his voice. “I’m Spider-Man. Well, one of them, at least.”

“Name’s Jet,” the kid with the hooks said, sticking a grain of wheat in his mouth.

“Sasha Waybright,” the girl with the sword said with a bright smile. “Man, these things are waaay too easy to kill.”

“Don’t jinx it,” the teal-haired person warned. “My name is Raine. Who are you two?”

“Come off it, Raine,” Spider-Man said. “These two are those famous ace attorneys. All about keeping the current system in place, yeah? Even I’ve heard of ‘em.”

“The three of us,” Sasha said, gesturing to herself, Spider-Man, and Jet. “Keep up with news way more than these two do.”

“Hey, I invent the news,” Guzma protested.

“Look, it doesn’t matter,” Raine said. “We need to get these two to safety. Those monsters have been popping up way more. Let’s get out of the park.”

Raine began by trying to shoulder Miles alone. Phoenix hopped up and ran over to help them out, ducking under his other shoulder.

“You two must be close,” Sasha remarked. “He basically dived in front of that monster for you. It’s sappy, really. Cute couple goals, though!”

“You shouldn’t make assumptions,” Raine said.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Sasha said, showing off a bi-pride pin on her cape. “I would know.”

“It’s not like that,” Phoenix said. Even if he felt that way.

But why had Edgeworth done that? He made fun of Phoenix for being careless and reckless. Hell, he’d thought he’d never live down the Kurrain-shrine-bridge incident. Miles yelled and yelled at him, even when he was still in the hospital. And it wasn’t like Edgeworth to be so hypocritical.

So why?

…

A day like this was rare ever since he’d hopped over to this new universe. Everyone was inside, having fun, and Miles was able to take a break outside, by himself. “United in Grief” played through his headphones, letting him escape, if just for a minute. There were no monsters, no impending doom heading for his family, no Miguel O’Hara, no radio demons, and no need to be Spider-Man.

And then someone tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

He looked up to see Makoto holding a piece of cake that smelled and looked delicious. It even had a small candy flower at the end.

“You were missing out. I thought I’d come find you,” she explained. “I’ve been told my cakes are pretty good by one of the hungriest princesses I’ve ever known.”

Miles grinned and took the cake. “How many princesses do you know?”

“Including Starfire and Adora? Three. And Zuko’s a prince, so…”

“He’s a prince?” Miles asked in disbelief.

“Yeah. He’s pretty open about it now. I guess you just have to get to know him. He’s got a girlfriend and everything. And Sokka said something about his first girlfriend turning into the moon. Maybe they have a moon princess, too.”

“Wow. I really don’t know a lot about anyone here,” Miles remarked.

That creeping guilt over being so reclusive seeped into his consciousness again. Maybe it wouldn’t kill him to make more friends than Giorno. Though, the thought of trusting anyone still seemed stupid.

“I don’t blame you, you know,” Makoto said out of the blue.

“What do you mean?” Miles asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Back at Mr. Iroh’s tea place, you said you’d do anything to save your dad, even if all those other people who told you to sacrifice him for the ‘sake of the greater good’ told you otherwise. I’d give anything to go back in time and save my parents.”

She stared off into the stars. “Sometimes, at night, I wait for them to come home. But they never do. When I go home, to an empty apartment, sometimes I just feel like crying so bad.”

Miles felt something tug at his heart. She’d been alone? For how long? Did anyone else know about this? He reached out to put a hand on her shoulder but thought better of it.

“I’m sorry. That must be really hard to cope with.”

Mako nodded. “It is. No one should have to go through it.”

She dabbed at her eyes and pulled him in for a hug. “Which is why I’m going to help you! I’m sure Usagi will, too! You two kind of remind me of each other, doing things your own way. I’ll beat up any other Spider-Man who tries to stop you!”

He laughed. “Thanks, Mako. If…if there’s any way I can help you, I’ll repay the favor.”

He meant it. She seemed so genuine. It almost threw him off his guard. Almost.

“Just…try to make more friends here. Talk to Usagi. I know you two would get along. Her dreams are similar to yours. Don’t be so secluded. We need other people to help us. I think even Giorno is getting the hang of it.”

A slight breeze coursed through the air. Makoto shivered. Miles took off his big, puffy coat and handed it to her. “Don’t worry. My suit keeps me warm. Let’s head back in.”

She hesitantly took his coat and nodded. “Thank you, Miles.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Maybe he could make more friends here than just Giorno.

#jjba #pokemon #pure heart crystals #ace attorney #miles morales #owl house #sailor moon #across the spiderverse #avatar the last airbender #kaolinite

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dutifullytoocloud · 1 year ago

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My obsession with colour

Happily occupying my thoughts this week. influencing both what music I am listening and coincidentally what I am reading. I actually ordered the book last Friday and had it on my doorstep the very next day. I wasn't even sure if the order came through. Just finished reading up on "Isabelline", a variant in the grouping of White. I really like the book despite the book reviews. So its coffee table trivia, as some have labelled it, suits me just fine. When it comes to subject that infuses art, science and history I'm all for it and I will continue to weave through it slowly at my discretion as there is no due return library date and in some ways its really a reference book. "The Secret Lives of Colour" by Kassia St Clair" has happily found its place in my household. As for playlist, urged by Billy Sloan radio broadcast suggestions, which I always succumb to. I just enjoy music themed challenges. I am sure that most of the obscure song selections would not get a look in and an Aussie suggesting Aussie songs on a Scottish radio station is kinda taking the piss....loud and proud I guess. Hey the music from this part of the world is pretty impressive and vice versa. I have grown up with an immense appreciation of music coming from Scotland. Here's my colourful full list.....no longer unnecessarily overwhelming a facebook page and on your own blog you have that freedom to do as you will.

Songs about colour in general

Colours fly and Catherine's wheel- Simple Minds- Why I love - its fireworks its the colour and the motion working together.\

Love is full of Wonderful Colour- Icicle Works- An advisory tale with a positive outlook

Jimi Hendrix- Bold as love- Geez how to wrap up so much in 5 minutes. Genius. Concise and yet has the ability to get your brain ticking overtime in regards to imagery and meaning. Guitar and drumming are both out of this world.

Now for those blue songs- Adore the colour

Bullets and Blue eyes- The Silencers, could of picked a few from "A letter to St Paul" such as "Blue Desire" and " I see Red". But when it comes to dynamics, "Bullets and Blues eyes", really kicks in.

Blue Light Disco- Olympia....she's almost Australia's answer to Joni Mitchel and I swear she must of grown up listening to her music. Dealing with the subject of refugees making the life threatening decision to make their way to Australia perilously by boat. The 1st glimpse of land are the lights in the distance, casting its blue haze. Her lyrics are poetry. " And hope falls like cut kite strings Releasing paper parts from their diamond dreams" Again concise and brain clogs churning.

Out of the Blue- Roxy Music- That demented electric violin it takes you to another realm.

No Blue Skies- Lloyd Cole- Soulful melancholia, and makes me think of being 21 again playing it on cassette.

Blue Bell Knoll-Cocteau Twins- Elizabeth Fraser and her angelic gibberish and mystifying atmosphere. Played this song to death when we were holidaying in Toowoomba. Especially at the end of the day after visiting Federation style houses. It was just so apt.

Blue Day- Mi Sex- New Zealand 80's, great voice and sad loss.

New colours

Green- Alex Lloyd- love the song and also love the film clip. Students reactions show what power music has on people from all walks of life.

Silver tongue- Zulu Winter- I don't think this band is around anymore. Sometime great debuts are really a summary of what a band has gathered in their entire lifetime to that point, and to come up with more is a huge challenge.

Red Letter day- China Crisis- much respect, " Diary of a Hollow horse" was released in 1989 is a great record and a band I have followed on and off. "Christian" from earlier on in the 80's is divine. This song easily led onto the next song choice from a different artist and album that had the same song title "Red Letter day"- but I was taken back more so by the bonus song- "Jet Black the Night"- Lostboy aka Jim Kerr.

Golden Brown- The Stranglers- I was 11 when I 1st heard it and its a song that had a huge bearing on why i am equally obsessed with music as I am with colour. I would hide under my bed to avoid household chores just to hear this song. Its about "escapism" and it was.

New Gold Dream- Everything falls into place. Loving this version at the moment.

youtube

#Youtube

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cogsandsprings · 8 months ago

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Sorry to hijack your (maybe?) vent post, but I have an answer to this! I’m a political science student studying queer politics and I have long asked myself the question “how can marginalized people support conservatives who obviously hate them?” Fortunately, political scientist Zein Murib has written a book explaining the phenomenon, “Terms of Exclusion: Rightful Citizenship Claims and the Construction of LGBT Political Identity” and it’s FASCINATING. From Murib’s own website:

So, yeah. Unfortunately within-group marginalization (white gays being racist, misogynistic, and generally bigoted) is a feature not a bug of the assimilationist movement. Murib cites a lot of scholarship on identity construction and agenda formation that is so interesting to read and think about!

The entitlement these people have to the benefits of whiteness preclude them from organizing for any purpose other than to secure benefits they feel have been wrongfully denied to them. But of course they haven’t examined any of this, and they may even fully believe they are literally talking about “rights” rather than “whiteness,” and so when the rest of us talk about liberation and freedom for all marginalized people, they naturally go “wait but what about me?!?! 🥺” It threatens them to think about liberation, because they never wanted to be free of the system; they wanted to be the one holding the whip and taking in the money and receiving the protections. So white cis gay men of course are gonna talk about how disgusting vaginas are, and how they just have a PREFERENCE IT’S NOT RACIST, and how they’d LOVE to support Palestinians if only they weren’t so homophobic, ad nauseum, because their true audience for these “jokes” is the ruling class: white cis straight men and they will try to use any avenue to connect with that audience.

As a white person myself I’ve learned that once people of color leave the room white people (LGBTs included) that I never would have clocked as racist will turn to me and say the WILDEST racist shit simply because I am also white and therefore must also be seeking the benefits of whiteness. It’s our responsibility to cut that shit off at the start so that the queer community can actually BE a community and not a VIP club for the most privileged to get protection while the rest rot.

In terms of other marginalized identities I can’t really speak to so thoroughly. But I do know about colorism, which I think we all ought to have a grasp on by now. And visible vs invisible disabilities and “high vs low functioning” (i.e. convenient vs inconvenient) autism. So i can definitely see how rights claims can reinforce the existing hierarchy of society within any particular group, not just the queer community.

Book recommendations for LGBTQ+ Politics (we need to read, y’all, I’m SERIOUS):

“Terms of Exclusion: Rightful Citizenship Claims and the Construction of LGBT Political Identity” by Zein Murib (the book discussed above)

“LGBT Politics: A Critical Reader” edited by Marla Brettschneider, Susan Burgess, and Christine Keating (contains 30 articles from 6 different areas of LGBT politics)

“The LGBTQ+ History Book: Big Ideas Simply Explained” published by DK (if huge blocks of text intimidate you this book is great! Has excellent cross-referencing system that leads to Wikipedia level rabbit holes and lots of images)

“LGBT Inclusion in American Life: Pop Culture, Political Imagination, and Civil Rights” by Susan Burgess (I have not gotten to read this yet, but Susan Burgess helped edit the reader above so I trust her, and my thesis hinges on public opinion so I WILL get around to it!)

Anyway thank you OP for giving me an excuse to rant! I’ll see myself out now.

like for real so many people who are in marginalized communities (thinking of white cis gays here but i've seen literally every other demographic do this) are getting WAY too comfortable making straight up bigoted comments and micro-aggressions about groups they're not a part and then claiming you're too sensitive and that it's just a joke. and this is coming from someone who actually loves offensive humor (when it is done right and is, yknow, actually humor). like i haven't seen this type of shit since i first started using the internet in the early 2010s. i'm genuinely not sure if people have always been like this and i'm just seeing it more because more people are online or if there has been a genuine societal shift. also, again, why is it marginalized people doing this to other marginalized people? like, you realize the systems of oppression that you're catering to and licking the boots of hate you too, right?

#queer shit #politics #i am also tired of people saying they want freedom and then refusing to do any of the actual work for it #do the work yall!!!!!

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bookswithdora · 2 years ago

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The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood - Book Review

*May contain slight spoilers, read at your own risk*

Summary:

Olive is a third-year Ph. D. candidate who finds herself involved in a kinda fake relationship with one of the Stanford professors to try and convince her best friend to date the boy she went on a couple of dates with. However, it seems that only one kiss will not be enough for her friend to be convinced and as a good friend and scientist, Olive soon finds herself in a lot of situations that require her to interact with one of the best-known douchebags in their campus’ history. Although, through their interactions, Olive soon finds out that there might be more to professor Adam than it seems.

Review:

Okay, I liked it. I didn’t love it, but I liked it. Kind of. Okay, it sucked except for the fact that it is a romance in stem and the fact that Adam seemed to be an okay guy, even though I have no idea what kind of a person he really is. But I still want to say that I enjoyed it as I would any light read with a bit of romance in it. It is bad, like bad but still not that bad. Okay, I’m done with this.

So, where do I start? I really liked the fact that I was finally able to read a book about romance in stem where the science is actually accurately represented (as far as I am aware) and where there is actual mention of their work on it and how the entire process of research flows. Olive being 26 and female who is not originally from the US made the entire thing more interesting since even I, a literature student from across the ocean know how misogynistic the field she works in is everywhere, even here in Europe, and especially in the US. Therefore, having her, a young, female student that is making great steps in discovering something that could improve mankind as the main character was very appealing.

However, that is where the appeal of the entire story ended for me. As soon as I read the first chapter and her explanation for kissing Adam, I swear to you, I slapped myself on the forehead. I couldn’t believe there is a Ph. D. student who would, in a situation where she is not able to actually communicate with her *best friend* what she feels, kiss a random stranger in the lab she working in. At one of the well-known universities in the world. At an age where we should all be well aware of how wrong kissing someone without consent is. I simply couldn’t wrap my head around it.

The miscommunication trope is rarely well executed and needs to have a lot of coincidences and situations that could realistically prevent you from finding out the truth in order to be done right. Here, it was just plain stupid, to be fair and honest. You don’t know how to communicate with the person you claim is in a way as close as family to you. What kind of a friend are you then and what kind of friendship do you have with that person anyway?

I understand Olive being insecure about herself, her feelings, her work, and her relationships due to her past and the way she is treated on the daily, and that would’ve been a great point to start the character’s journey with, however, I feel like there was no journey for Olive in this book. Her progress in one straight line in the book with a slight incline at the end, and that was it. No progress, no development, no nothing. The situations she found herself in did give her a great opportunity for it, however, it seemed that the writer simply didn’t know how to use them.

Oh, and yes, who sits on their boyfriend's lap during a lecture?! Who? Who would actually put sunscreen on their nakey boyfriend during a picnic in front of other professors and what kind of an esteemed professor would do it in front of his colleagues? Call me old fashioned or whatever, but there are some things that are simply not done in a work/study environment and are simply not that well received by the academic community, that was just… I have no words for it.

And while I did go giddy at some of the things Adam did or said and I liked how gentle and open he was with Olive, I just… I don’t know who he is. He is sulky and inapproachable and he buys her coffee. While all of that is nice and I really like grumpy love interests in books, he just had no other personality than being a grump. And it irritated me to hell because I really wanted to fall in love with him with all the small acts of kindness he did for Olive.

People do already talk about the fact that there were little to no descriptions of Olive and that is true, however, it never bothered me as much in this book. Her personality was more bothersome to me, to be quite honest.

The sex scene was okay since they did have that awkward talk in the beginning, however, Olive being a biology student who thinks that there is something wrong with her brain since she is on the asexual spectrum simply didn’t work with me. Like, I know that is not your point of research girl, however, you should be aware of the existence of the asexuality/demisexuality concept with being in the field. If it was someone who never got a good education in any type of way and/or the way human sexuality works, I would’ve understood it, however, you can’t tell me that she wouldn’t have had a clue about it. It just… I can’t wrap my head around it.

The ending was cute, and the point of conflict was reasonable, it fit in and it was well-written. I liked the way it all blended to come to the escalation it came to. Those are some of the things I would’ve said that made it a bit better.

I am not saying that it’s that bad. It was a fast, light read for me and I would’ve read it even without knowing how many things I would be bothered with, simply because of the representation. However, it didn’t deserve more than 3 stars. Out of those three, two are for Adam for his politeness and his affinities towards putting his tongue to good use.

Thank you.

#book blog #book review #the love hypothesis #ali hazelwood #olive #adam carlsen #stanford #women in stem #book #books #book quotes #books & libraries #bookblr #biology #research #academia #classic academia

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cinnamonest · 2 years ago

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I loved your student x teacher posts for Childe ❤️❤️ could you possibly write one for Ayato? Rich boi might be one of those private school honor students who gets anything he wants or maybe he’s home schooled with a personal tutor? thank you 🫶

omg he would be the biggest overachiever kid but also I am loving the idea of rich kid!Ayato, I love rich boys with an subtle arrogant flair and he's the perfect candidate

For reference, the past Teacher X Student posts can be found here:

Childe (Part One)

Childe (Part Two)

Xiao

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Working in a private school environment has its ups and downs. There's a lot of benefits, sure, but the thing is that those benefits can often be downsides in and of themselves.

For example, the most elite of private schools tend to bring a lot of very strict parents, and thereby kids who have been raised with high expectations and rigid enforcement of behavior. Consequently, they're usually very well behaved, making life easier in that regard for faculty.

On the other hand, such kids also have a tendency to be perhaps a bit too prideful with themselves, see themselves as above certain rules or having to listen to authorities, are showoffs, or simply suck up to the teachers a bit too much (and yes, even as the teacher yourself, those types still can be a little irritating). These kids come in surplus, higher amounts than you would find in "normal" schools, and thus, this presents both a higher amount of both the positives and negatives that come with that.

Not that you're really complaining or anything. For the most part, they're all very pleasant students to teach. You get plenty of wonderful students that are a delight to have, even if some have their moments every now and then. The few truly not-so-great ones are the minority, and even then, the fulfillment you get from enriching lives and all that makes it worth whatever inconveniences you have.

There's also another element that can be even more of a challenge to deal with than the students themselves: the parents. In this environment, it's a well-known, terribly-kept secret that administration chooses which students are to be taken into higher degrees of consideration, given more leeway and assistance, and so on, based on their parents' donation history to the school. There seems to be a trend in which those students from the absolute wealthiest of families always seem to get the highest degree of special treatment and favoritism in several areas of the student experience.

Not that those kids are necessarily bad themselves, no, plenty of them are still great students. And some of the elite families have very pleasant parents and children alike, very wonderful families all-around.

You're actually familiar with two students exactly like that -- a pair, actually, siblings. Parents are involved in politics or something like that.

Their daughter is more or less the ideal student, successful in everything she does, and notably, has inherited the social prowess befitting someone of her status. Their son, likewise, is a high achiever, but focused particularly on academic and scholastic achievements rather than social status.

You've seen Ayato's records on file a few times before. The type that excels in everything. Every academic subject. Whereas some kids might say they're more of a "math and sciences" person while some say they're more of a "fine arts person" and others still a "humanities person," he is all of them. No one area is better or worse than the other beyond maybe a single point or two in his grade average, which are all borderline flawless, very close to if not right at a perfect score.

To your knowledge, he's involved in some sport or another, and excels in that too. A few extracurricular activities, too. He takes part in each one of those scholarly national and regional competitions they have for maths and essays and the like, and has come back with some sort of recognized finalist award each and every time. He's in the nation's respective honors student chapter at your institution. He's on the student council, too. You heard another teacher say that with his current standing, he's more or less guaranteed to be his class's valedictorian.

And you... well, actually, you feel a little pity for him when you think about it. Sure, you're certain he enjoys a lot of those things, but you also can't help but think that some of that probably isn't really his own choosing, but rather expectations that have been set for him that he has been conditioned into meeting at all costs. You see it a lot with the students at these types of schools.

You're certain it does have its costs. The one thing you haven't seen him doing a whole lot of is talking to other students. He eats lunch in the classroom while he works, since he takes so many of those special, higher-level classes. He seems to always be working on something school-related, even during otherwise free time where others are socializing.

Not that he isn't well-liked or socially apt, because he certainly is -- capable of winning over anyone, charismatic and persuasive. He just doesn't seem to have enough time to really socialize too much. He's the sort of student who is popular with everyone and well-liked by everyone, but has never had the time to form any particularly close relationships. Everyone is an acquaintance, he's on everyone's good side, but no one is truly close to him.

You're somewhat surprised he comes to talk to you, one day at complete random, walking into your room with a soft smile and a hand held up in a greeting gesture. Surely he doesn't need any help. He's always done very well in your class without needing anything.

And you're right. As it turns out, he wanted to ask you to write recommendation letters for him to turn in for various universities. You're unsurprised when, after you ask as casually as you can, he gives the names of some of the institutions he's considering: all incredibly prestigious, renowned, and notoriously low-acceptance ones, the sorts of places most kids don't apply to simply because they know they stand no chance. But for him, of course, it doesn't really surprise you, and you honestly doubt he'll have much trouble. If there's anyone set to land themselves a spot there, it would be him.

Still, it puts quite a bit of pressure on you to write the best letter you can.

You do wonder to yourself why you were his choice of teacher to go to. Sure, you like him plenty, but who doesn't? All the teachers are fond of him. You've never really had any one-on-one conversations or anything. Perhaps he's looking to study a field related to your subject. There's also plenty of that happening in these elite environments -- many kids with business or politically involved parents are already set to inherit said business or enter directly under their parents' career, and will be accepted into a high position as soon as they are ready. Some actually study for the field, but a lot of them simply go to a university for the "college experience," and simply study something they find interesting, even if it's completely unrelated to their future career. Still, you'd imagine someone like him to intend to study in a way that's dedicated to his career... well, whatever, it's not something worth pondering over too much.

So you go through with it. Normally, writing these letters doesn't take very long, honestly you just kind of write one very generalized letter, then replace the name and a few descriptors here and there for each student you write one for. For him in particular, though, you make sure to add a lot of attention-catching words that you know admissions people like to see, fluff it up to make him sound like the best student to ever walk the face of the earth and all that, then send it off to the front office to be organized and sent out.

He drops by again to thank you for it, after school a few days later. Common courtesy, nothing out of the ordinary, a lot of students do that sort of thing where they always come to thank you in-person, especially here where they're all raised under a strict concept of manners and customary practices. He shows up at your door, pleasant in expression and voice, I just wanted to stop by and thank you for... and so on. The usual. You smile and nod, and likewise give the standard response -- oh, you're so sweet, I'm happy to help... A set-in-stone sort of dialogue, as if the lines are predetermined by the social norms.

And then he adds something else.

I'm incredibly grateful. If you'll allow it, I'd like to repay you. Are you busy this coming weekend?

That part catches you off-guard, though. You sit still for a moment, blinking, hands still resting on your keyboard.

...Huh? Well, no, I don't... have anything...?

He doesn't seemed to be fazed by your clear bewilderment. He keeps that same soft smile, says that's perfect. He was a bit worried you'd end up being busy... making reservations before asking probably wasn't the best idea, but he just got ahead of himself, you know? Anyway, your address is already on the school's directory, so no need to give it to him. Just be ready by eleven-thirty in the morning or so. We'll just come to your door.

You're still rather puzzled, he's moving so fast into whatever he's referring to, but you gather the jist, that he wants to take you somewhere, which, of course, strikes you as rather odd and somewhat inappropriate.

But before you can try to find the words to voice that thought, he adds that his sister also wanted to come, she likes you plenty too and all. The two of them just wanted to show their appreciation.

Anyway, dress formal, but not too formal, you know? Somewhere in the middle. Will that work for you?

I... well, I... I guess I...

Great. Everything works out well, then. See you then. He nods, turns and gestures a goodbye, makes his way out the door while you're still blinking and sputtering and trying to process the interaction that just happened, not even close to being able to formulate a response.

...

Well. That was... a bit strange. It's a bit burdensome, really, you'd be much happier just spending your day at home at rest, you don't need to be shown appreciation in this way. And isn't it a bit odd to do something like this, considering your relationship to each other? It just seems like such an unusual proposal under the circumstances that you don't really know what to think of the matter.

Still, he means well. And besides, his sister being there makes a huge difference in terms of appropriateness. If she wasn't, well, maybe then you'd have to have a brief discussion about how it's probably not very acceptable, but since she'll be there, it's alright, you suppose.

It's probably just yet another one of those things where these wealthy young students go above and beyond on everything they do. You once had a student give you a rather pricey gift card as thanks for tutoring, and there was that other one that went on a trip abroad and brought back fancy souvenirs for every teacher, even. To these kids, expensive or time-consuming gestures have far less significance than they would to a normal person. So sure, it's odd, but you can rationalize how he would think it was something that he was supposed to do. Still, you have no idea where you're even going, and, well, you don't know him well enough that having an extended one-on-one conversation will be anything short of horribly awkward and uncomfortable.

You don't see him again for the remainder of the week, except in-class, where he doesn't stop to talk or anything, merely comes and leaves with the bell as everyone else does. You almost forget, until you get the reminder from your phone on Friday night, and begrudgingly go to find something you can wear. You're still rather bewildered by the whole thing.

But no matter how bad you thought it could be, that could never compare to how bad the awkwardness actually is, the day of. It's so, so, so unbearably awkward, coming out to meet this boy you really don't know that well, forcing yourself to return the smile and wave he gives you as you walk up to him as you talk, oh, you're so nice to be doing this...

...And then, you turn your head to look from side to side and...

...Didn't you say Ayaka was coming?

Oh, her? Well, it turns out she had something come up. She hates to miss this, but turns out she had a previous commitment that she forgot about. Such a busy girl, she's always doing something, haha. Anyway.

He just sort of immediately moves on, switching the conversation to the present moment -- it's a really nice place you're going to, his parents go there quite often, you'll like it for sure... he just sort of goes off on that, leaving you no opportunity to speak, sort of quietly shifting you over to the car... which does have someone else in it...?

Oh, yes, that's the family's driver. Don't mind him, his job is to just drive without saying anything.

Anyway.

He's fond of that word. Conversational navigation is a skill he's become rather good at over the years, largely out of necessity, considering his prospective future. When someone is starting down a path of conversation that they probably shouldn't, all one has to do is distract them, change the subject, engage them with another matter and steer them away from matters that will only go down an unwanted path of dialogue.

Yes, anyway, what a quaint little area you live in. Although these buildings are dreadfully close to each other... and there's no gates around the whole area... how unsafe. He thought that a private institution would pay teachers a little better than that. Maybe you're just frugal.

He keeps talking. You wouldn't deny he has a certain charm about him, he's an easygoing person to talk to, even if it is still quite awkward. He mostly focuses on questions about you and your work. You in turn ask him a few questions -- has he heard back from any universities yet, does he have any idea of what he wants to study, so on and so on... for someone who you've always perceived as quite the perfectionist, it turns out he's actually quite indecisive in that regard. Says he doesn't know yet, doesn't really have a place or a major in mind. Plenty of time to think on that.

You want to get this over with, nonetheless. It only gets worse when you arrive at your destination -- one of those places you would never even think about going to yourself, where everything in the building looks like it costs a fortune, down to the tablecloths and curtains. It makes you uncomfortable. And oh, oh no, the menu doesn't even have prices listed next to the options, one of those places. You're tense.

You almost feel kind of guilty, even. All you did was write a copy-paste sort of letter. Was that really worth this...?

In contrast to your unease, he's very calm and relaxed. You're pretty sure there's no way he doesn't notice how tense and uneasy you are, but he doesn't say anything about it, just keeps talking. He knows the owner of this place, actually. You see, he and his father met a decade ago in the such-and-such region (a word you could never hope to pronounce) of such-and-such country (one you've only heard of a few times in your life) at a resort his father was at on a work-related trip and... are you alright?

He finally seems to acknowledge your tension. You give a wavering, forced smile. I'm just not used to something so nice, haha...

He just chuckles. Don't worry about it. I wanted to do something nice for you, after all.

The words themselves are perfectly innocent, kind even, but there's something in his tone of voice, the way he says it, that makes you hold back a shudder. It's just so, so unbearably uncomfortable. You force another smile.

You get the cheapest-sounding thing you can think of, but of course he notices that -- really, don't worry about it, get whatever you want -- and after a bit more pressuring (almost like he wants you to get something expensive or something), you go a step up and get something that sounds like middle-ground. You're just grateful he can't have them bring out expensive wine or something, since he's not quite old enough for your region.

He talks like someone far beyond his years, in the sense that he's like one of those (usually, they'd be middle-aged, not a high schooler) men that seem to know everything about everything, are well-versed in knowledge of this or that place and the quality and make or origin place of everything in the room. You just try to listen, let him do the talking, hope it'll be over soon. You hope no one you know sees this, that you don't get spotted in some horrible coincidence that someone else happened to be here at the same time... people might think this was something... weird.

You keep up the same casual conversing as you leave, as you get back in the car (was that poor guy just waiting in the parking lot this entire time? He hasn't moved from the space he let you out in...), about this or that. Little things about the school, classes, the future. All the way back, until you see your place in sight, a quite welcome relief.

...But you feel like you need to say... something, before you leave. There's a lingering thought in the back of your mind.

As per norms, the conversation begins to close as the car slows. That sort of conclusive tone, well, it's been wonderful, that sort of thing. You get out, he gets out, walks you to your door, saying something about how he's sure you have a lot to do before Monday, so he'll leave you to it, thanks you for your time, hopes you enjoyed yourself, all the usual... But you voice your concern, slightly cutting him off, feeling it necessary.

Hey, ah, by the way... um...

He pauses. Tilts his head, raises his eyebrows, waiting for you to speak. You swallow.

Ah, don't take this the wrong way, but... don't mention this to anyone, alright? I just... I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea.

He doesn't get offended, nor does he seem amused or anything. He just smiles and nods. Of course. No worries.

You're glad he understands. You bid him goodbye, say you'll see him next week, go inside and practically collapse on your bed. Ugh. The whole ordeal was exhausting.

It feels sort of relieving, but odd at the same time that he just sort of... leaves it at that. Doesn't mention it again aside from once, a very basic 'it was great seeing you' the next Monday, and then just sort of... returns to normal, for the rest of the week. Doesn't say a thing. Though, you do find yourself making eye contact with him more in class, he always seems to be looking directly at you. He always gives you one of those warm, closed-eye smiles when you gazes meet.

It's not until the following Thursday that something happens that's a bit... off-putting.

School let out for the day twenty minutes ago, most of the kids have left, and you also intend to leave as soon as you print a few things off. You make your way to the printer they have towards the front office, get what you need, head back to your room.

As you approach your door, you catch a familiar face coming down the hall. She raises a hand up as she sees you. Hello, Ms ____. Gives you a warm smile.

You haven't really spent that much time around Ayaka, you only ever had her in one class, but she's much like her brother in the fact that she's generally well-liked by everyone, on account of having a very pleasant, kind nature.

You smile back, unable to really wave since your hands are full. Oh, you're still here?

She says yes, that she merely forgot something and went back to go get it before leaving. A casual exchange like any other. But you figure it would be odd if you didn't mention the other day, you should probably acknowledge it, for the sake of social norms if nothing else.

Oh, and by the way, sorry you couldn't be there the other day. It's fine, I know you had other stuff going on. Tell your brother thanks again for me!

She's silent for a moment. She blinks, still smiling, but she tilts her head.

Hm? Sorry, what do you...?

A moment ticks by. A second. A third.

You shake your head, giving an awkward chuckle. Oh, nothing, sorry, I got something mixed up for a second there... A-anyway, ah, well, you have a great day, okay?

Oh, okay, ah, you too...

You walk off before she can say any more.

....

You don't like the feeling the interaction gives you. You can't get any work done, the rest of the afternoon. Your mind is far too distracted, sorting out all of your thoughts.

He wouldn't outright lie to you, would he? And if so, why?

...Well, you can think of one reason. You're not stupid. But he doesn't seem like the type of kid to be... like that. And besides, there was a valid reason to do something nice, it wasn't as if it was out of the blue. It would be horribly embarrassing, and you'd feel quite guilty, if you accused him of something that wasn't his intention regarding the whole thing. You decide not to say anything at the moment.

And neither does he. She must not have said anything to him, as he doesn't mention anything about his sister, merely greeting you as normal the next day.

Nor does he seem overly attached. You do start to notice that he lingers, after the class is over, will stop by for just a few moments to speak with you just for a moment, a very basic how's your day going sort of thing, before leaving in time to get to his next class. It's a bit odd, but it's not overstepping any boundaries or anything that would be unacceptable. You've formed close, pleasant relationships with students before, those students who just seemed to like you, in a purely normal way. They just particularly like you, and it's nothing more than that. There's no reason to think any differently of him.

He's not trailing you all the time, not smothering you, he's not overbearing. The only other thing you notice is that he often catches you on the way out when you leave for the day. Naturally, he's involved in so many extracurricular activities, that he doesn't leave school at the same time as everyone else, often staying behind for various reasons -- he's the president of some club or another, he's in the student council, so on and so on. Often times, as you're leaving for the day, you hear him call out to you, smiling and making his way over. Says he was just about to leave too. What good timing. He walks you to your car, but he never gets pushy, always bidding you farewell without any trouble or clinginess.

See, if he were acting only on impulse, he certainly would, but he's a very self-controlled, calculated person. He knows not to go overboard, to ensure he doesn't smother you. That would only irritate you, and he can't have that.

And even if he doesn't show it outwardly, he's very, acutely aware of the signals you give off, the subtle messages of the things you say and do. He could tell how uncomfortable you were that day, how awkward you seem to talk to him. But at the same time, it's the kind of discomfort caused not by you disliking him or anything, it's more situational, he can tell that much. Likewise, he can tell it's getting better, you're much more comfortable around him now, whenever he speaks to you.

Although sometimes, he prefers to just watch you from a distance. You're so cute. He's memorized the time of day you eat lunch -- most unfortunately, you were assigned a different lunch period than his classes -- and often he can see you out the window, always eating at the same spot. He enjoys just watching you go about your day, doing all your little tasks and the like.

You do feel odd, as if being watched, sometimes, but a quick glance around shows nothing, so you assume you're just overthinking things, being paranoid. You've been trying to ignore it.

And things just sort of stay like that. There's no gradual increase in the intensity or frequency of his interactions with you. He doesn't get too close, neither physically nor in the social sense. He's always polite, never pushy, always seems to exit conversations just when it's about to cross over the line of being normal for a student who is just very fond of one particular teacher.

He does get you gifts. His family went on a trip for a week, he brings you back some sort of fancy champagne and chocolate made in that country from the trip. But to be fair, Ayaka also brought a little trinket back for every teacher, she's done so more than once in the past in fact, so you figure it's just normal for them... you tell yourself so again when he gets you one of those super expensive watches, around the winter break. How generous. Still, it's no big deal (and you're not sure if you even have much use for it anyway...).

The only other thing you can't shake is the feeling of staring, how you can feel his eyes on you as you stand at the front of the classroom. That odd feeling you get sometimes when he's not around. The way his eyes fixate on you when you're talking with each other. It's all so... odd.

But he never escalates, never does anything inappropriate. So, you don't see any reason to confront him or try to stop him.

Sure, maybe he does have a teacher crush. That seems obvious to you, as time goes on. He does let something slip every now and then. Things that aren't necessarily inappropriate, per se, but the occasional compliment that is obviously not normal for a student to say, things like telling you you look nice that day, that you have such a pleasant voice, that you're just so enjoyable to talk to, with such a sincerity in his voice it goes beyond a casual, normal interaction between two people of your sort of relationship. But even so, if he does, he's self-controlled about it, never goes too far, never does anything warranting having to say something to him about it.

In truth, he realizes that it would never work, that it's not a realistic fantasy, that it's unwise to even consider actually pursuing it. Thus, he's resolved to just enjoy the time with you that he has. He knows better than to let it go too far, to get carried away, and thus never takes things any further. You think that's a very mature way to handle it, if that is in fact the case.

And thus, you just... say nothing. You imagine he knows you know. You're polite and pleasant to him, neither encouraging anything more nor discouraging him in any way. You think it's a good balance.

The months pass. It always teeters on the edge, coming just barely short of the line where, if crossed, you'd feel something needed to be said, but it never is crossed.

About three-fourths of the year passes in total. For those in their final year, as he is, a lot of them are getting anxious, excited, lots of feelings all at once, as they draw nearer to closure on their current "chapter of life", as some call it. Still, they have a while longer to go, but nonetheless a lot are already thinking about the future.

You were anticipating NOT having to handle the year-end events. They rotate which teacher gets assigned to it each year. Some gathering they host at an off-campus venue that goes on all night, a teacher is assigned to essentially stay a while just in case something bad happens needing an ambulance to be called or the like (the requirement for a teacher to be there for a while was implemented after there was such an incident when a kid fell off the side of a staircase a few years back), but the general practice is that said teacher leaves after a while and the kids are left unsupervised... probably for the best, or else said teachers would probably be under legal obligation to report the sheer amount of underage drinking, among other questionable substances being passed around. Besides, it's off-campus and not official, so they don't have to have someone there the whole time.

And you, well, you did it last year. It's a high-energy social event, it's always loud and annoying and you end up leaving with a massive headache, so you were hoping to be spared this year.

He asks you out of the blue one day. You were expecting that maybe, towards the end of the year, he'd try to come spend time with you in some way or another, but you were not anticipating him to ask you to meet outside of school once again... especially not for this.

He comes into your room after classes have ended for the day. Comes straight to you, rather quickly rushing over, visibly excited -- it's endearing, really, whenever he gets excited like that. He's normally essentially forced into an unusual degree of maturity and seriousness, it's cute that even he can have moments where that very energetic, typical teenage-boy type of excitement shines through even still. He smiles and says that he has something to ask you. You’re aware of the event, right?

You say yes, of course, you’ve been to some in the past before… why?

Well...

He smiles. It just so happens that he and his sister volunteered to host the venue, since they have a suitably sized estate and all. His parents agreed to it.

Would you happen to be willing to volunteer as the designated chaperone? It would really make her quite happy.

It's almost like that day, months ago now, that he asked you to go out to eat as thanks; you sort of stare and blink, caught a bit off-guard by it. You try to formulate a response.

Oh, well, ah...

She'd love for you to be there, he adds. Oh, and of course, he would want you there too. But you know, forget him, he wouldn't want to be demanding or anything, he just knows how much she really likes you, and she wanted you to come, so...

It's a bit odd. You really don't know her all that well, you've never really spoken to the girl very much. And considering last time... well, you're not sure what happened there, maybe it was all a mutual misunderstanding. You can give him the benefit of the doubt. You'll be aware and cautious about it, so it's not like you're naively walking into it unaware.

You agree to it. Lots of people will be there, so it's not like he's got you one-on-one, and hey, maybe they'll spare you for several more years after this.

You insist, in the coming days, that you really don't need to be picked up by a driver, you can get there yourself... eventually, he relents and gives up trying to get you to agree to be picked up again. You're not really dreading it, per se, but you're not exactly looking forward to it either. It's a matter of the fact that you'd really enjoy just staying home... but, these two have been good kids over the years, so at least you can feel good knowing you're doing something for them.

You still have to more or less force yourself to get out of bed that day, make your way over there... you were given the passcode to get past the gate. There's a lot more people than you expected... did they bring the entire high school...? It's also very unpleasantly loud. Really loud, the kind of loud where you can physically feel the music vibrate against your chest, can't hear yourself think over how loudly they're talking and yelling as they move around. Sigh. Kids these days.

You don't have to go looking for Ayato. He's already striding up to your the moment you walk up, asks if you had any trouble getting in, more or less immediately starts talking about... well, you're not certain. You can barely hear a word he's saying, both the music and the kids themselves are so loud. And most of them fairly intoxicated too, you're pretty sure he's the only one that isn't... you suppose you'll just have to turn a blind eye and pretend you didn't witness that part, or any of the filled coolers laying around.

He notices your discomfort more or less immediately. Ah, too loud for you? There's a quieter room inside, if you would prefer to go in.

You nod. If it's not too much trouble.

Hm?

I said, if it's not too much... You end up trailing off, shaking your head and not bothering to even try to speak over the noise, just gesturing and letting him take you in. At least the house is a ways away from all their neighbors, the people here all have a lot of land surrounding each house.

It's immediately quieter inside. You're led into a foyer area, then into a hallway... all very empty and quiet. You pass by various rooms, each of which have some purpose or another, additional rooms for various purposes the average house would not include. You reach a staircase headed down. He doesn't say much. You follow behind. You realize you didn't actually run into Ayaka at all... you suppose you'll have to talk to her later.

You end up in a... room. Not a bedroom or a living room or any sort of standard, definable room that the average person has in their home, but rather, some sort of extra lounge room in the basement. It's not the sort of average damp, cold, grey sort of basement, no, they have the whole thing furnished, there's a huge TV, a fridge, carpet, and so on... and it's completely devoid of people. Empty. When he said there was a quieter place inside, you were still assuming that meant that there would be other people, not an empty room... at least it is quiet. You can still sort of hear the noise outside, but it's all muffled.

He doesn’t seem bothered by it. So loud out there, it's much better in here right? Nice and quiet. Do you want something to drink? Hang on, there’s bottled water over there in the fridge, he’ll get you one. He’s moving and talking rather fast, you can barely get a word in – you can’t help but wonder if it’s intentional, to prevent you from saying anything, and if likewise he’s moving around so much to prevent you from speaking to you directly.

Go ahead, sit down wherever you like…

…You know it’s too much. You shouldn’t be doing this, allowing it. But it’s peaceful in here, whereas out there… and you only have to stay here a short while, right? That’s how it always goes, the teachers are just there arbitrarily to ensure it doesn’t seem completely without supervision, no one actually needs you to be out there. He probably just wants to talk to you some more.

You sit, but very tensely, body rigid and ready to stand back up at any moment. It would also, of course, be rather bad if anyone walked in here. You wouldn’t get in too much trouble just by being in the same room alone, but it wouldn’t look good, for sure.

But you also can’t just tell him you want to leave. Not when he comes over smiling as he does, extending his hand to give you your water, that soft, endearing expression.

He’s not doing anything wrong. You would feel awful if you hurt his feelings in some way.

You can just stay a while. Yes, that will work. Just stay another hour or so, entertain conversation with him, excuse yourself and say you have to head home. You can even get up every few ten minutes or so to go check on the crowd of kids, right? Better in here than out there. You trust him not to actually do anything bad.

So you sit there. Stiff and uncomfortable. You’re on a sort of sofa, with you pressed right up against the arm of it, trying not to make it too obvious you’re leaning away, and with him sitting more towards the middle. You try to break the tension. So, have you decided on what you’re doing after graduation yet…?

It’s a good transitional question, it helps get a conversation going. Ah, yes, he’s planning to go to this institution… it wasn’t his first choice on its own, but he decided he wanted to stay somewhat close to home, you know? Still undecided on a field of study, but he has a few things he’s been considering…

You talk for a few more minutes. It goes back and forth, back and forth. He finishes answering one question, but before you can ask another, he asks you one of his own.

What about you?

You tilt your head, give a soft hm?

Oh, he just meant… what are your plans for the future? Didn’t know if you intended to stay here or not, is all.

You shrug. You haven’t really thought about anything other than staying right where you are, really, and unless circumstances pull you elsewhere, you were more or less intending to stay at this school until retirement.

I see.

There’s something off about the tone of his voice. As if that answer was somehow incorrect, as if he has thoughts on it. His expression is rather flat and neutral. You pause. You ask him if something is wrong.

And just like that, he returns to that soft, more pleasant sort of resting smiling expression. Ah, well, no, it’s just, I can’t help but think you must be under a great deal of stress here, you know?

You give a sheepish laugh. Well, it certainly is often sometimes stressful, but you like what you do.

There's a pause.

Do you have any other passions and hobbies, outside of work? I was just thinking, you probably don't get a great deal of time to work on them.

To be fair, he's right about that part. You sigh, say yes you do, you list off some of the things you enjoy doing. Haven't had any time to work on them recently though, you add, just too busy. But it's alright, you'll get around to it eventua--

Have you ever considered early retirement?

The question seems to pop up out of nowhere. You raise your eyebrows. Huh?

He doesn't seem deterred by your confusion. In fact, he seems like he really wants to bring up the matter, almost as if he's been waiting to do so. Leans forward, elbows on his thighs, interlacing his fingers.

It would be ideal if you had the financial support, right? Perhaps you should consider it. You're so very busy, it must be incredibly stressful, it's really not good for you. It leaves you with no time to go out and do things for yourself, no time to meet anyone. If you were able to quiet your job, think about all the things you could do! Surely you have hobbies and passions you'd rather be pursuing, yes? And you probably want a family, no? You'd need to have far more free time for that. Besides, you're really at the age where you should be thinking of settling down and marrying and having children, don't you think?

...He seems to catch himself. His mouth opens again, like he had more to say, but he stops short, goes quiet. Ah... well, never mind that. Uh...

You can see a sheepish unease on his face. He realizes he stepped over that boundary, the line he's been so perfectly teetering on the edge of all these months. For just a moment, it breaks his composure, you see a slight sense of panic in the way his eyebrows furrow, the way he leans back just ever so slightly.

And you, well, it catches you off-guard, almost shocked at the boldness of such a thing to say. Struggling to think of the right words, you blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

That's not appropriate.

Maybe you could have worded it differently, but the audacity of saying something so out of line does take you by surprise.

He doesn't react poorly, though. As quickly as his composure broke, so he regains it in the same few seconds.

Ah... my bad. Apologies.

But he pauses. There's a hesitation in his body language, the way his lips part like he's going to speak. Like he knows he shouldn't keep going, but has to, a sort question refrained from asking for so long that the urge is unbearable.

..Just... out of curiosity... would you not want that opportunity if it were extended to you? Because... It's just that...

You stand up. An abrupt motion, it causes him to go silent.

You take a deep breath in, sigh. You shake your head, hold a hand up to your head, rub at your temples.

This has gone too far.

You don't explicitly say out loud what you mean by "this". You don't have to. There's a mutual understanding. You both keep pretending to not know, keep ignoring it and refusing to acknowledge it, but you know it comes as no surprise to him either that you're aware.

There's a silence that follows. He doesn't seem angry or distraught. His eyes go wide for a moment, he looks startled by the suddenness, but his expression goes cold, neutral, eyes slightly narrowing, face otherwise expressionless. But he doesn't say anything.

It's my fault, you add. I allowed this to go on too long.

And you do mean it -- you think back now, you feel guilty. You should have nipped it in the bud sooner. And finally, you finish --

I'm sorry. Really. You're a good kid, you really are. I just... this isn't right of me to be down here. I should go.

You grab the bag you brought with you. You take a step back. The silence is so horribly uncomfortable.

His eyes close. There's an obvious disappointment on his features. He takes a deep breath in and out, but nods.

...I understand. Do you need any help getting to your...?

No, I'm fine. You start to turn away. Thank you, really. I'm... grateful for everything. I just... sorry. This is just how things have to be.

And you leave. You turn, you walk as fast as you can without breaking out into a jog, footsteps rapidly clacking against the hard floors.

You make a beeline back out, ignoring the volume, keeping your head down. Don't stop to talk to anyone -- most of the kids themselves are too intoxicated to notice your presence anyway. You make a straight path for home. You realize you never did get to go see his sister... but you get the sense she probably didn't even know you were there in the first place, much less was the one that wanted you there.

You feel ridiculous for shedding tears over the matter, but you can't help it, as you lie there in bed after getting home. You don't bother to eat or shower, merely crawling under your covers as you feel your eyes water. It's all so uncomfortable and unfortunate, and frankly, you feel horribly guilty. You had opportunities to stop it, you probably should have. Now you probably hurt the poor thing. And how are you going to handle seeing him again from now on? It's all so much, it's overwhelming... you wipe your eyes, trying to blink the accumulated water away before it actually starts to run down your face. You resolve to try and rest now... you can handle everything when the morning comes. You can't take anymore tonight.

...

...Well, that certainly did not go over well.

He normally doesn't like to be particularly dramatic, but it would be a lie to say he didn't more or less feel like he's been stabbed in the chest. Ugh. He ends up slouching back, laying down and staring at the ceiling... now that racket from outside is starting to sound even more annoying.

He wasn't expecting much, granted. Knowing it was unrealistic, he tried to push away indulgent fantasies where it went perfectly, like some sort of cheesy pornography plot... although maybe he should have gone with the original plan to give you alcohol, that would have worked better... he wasn't dumb enough to take you to a bedroom, but still, this couch is very wide, it would have worked just fine... ugh. No, no, this is the exact type of unrealistic fantasy he was referring to. Never mind that.

He really, really, really didn't want to have to do this. To do something that hurts you. But you're being so difficult. He's been so nice to you, and he's been so careful to hold himself back, to not be overbearing. And yet, this is what he gets in return for all that time and effort spent. Did you not even comprehend what you're being offered?

No, of course you didn't, now that he thinks about it. You were so caught up in recognizing and reacting to any acknowledgement of whatever... thing you have between you is, that you didn't actually stop and think about what he was actually saying. Maybe you will, now. You'll go home, think back over his words, understand exactly what you're turning down. There's no way you would actually reject it, if you're in your right mind and in a steady, stable emotional state. Maybe you'll come back tomorrow and apologize. Surely you won't wait until Monday to speak to him again.

He can forgive that. Yes, even though you were incredibly hurtful, he understands you're just concerned about your perception of social norms and doing the right thing and all. 'This is just how things have to be.' That was what you said. Yes, so you do want it, even if you don't realize it, you're just allowing yourself to be held back by all these... unnecessary outside forces, getting into your mind. He understands how that happens. It's forgivable.

He'll give you one day, then. Rather than acting on the backup plan now. You have twenty-four hours before he actually starts going down that path.

If not, though, well... he can't afford to have this take too long. He's already considered, too, the possibility that you may try to get him in some sort of trouble, too, and he can't have that... so he has to be proactive, and take care of you before you can get him in trouble.

He's already told his parents it may be necessary for them to speak with the school, that he was having some issues with a particular teacher... if he says nothing, they'll just forget about it, but if he brings it up again, adds in some... fabrications, well, they'll surely want a word with administration on his behalf.

In fact, maybe he wouldn't even have to come up with something to accuse you of. Pretty sure his parents donate more money to the school annually than your salary, even. They can afford to lose you easily, might not even take convincing. Blacklist you from the entire region of institutions. And what will you do then? Come crawling back and apologizing? That would be quite nice, actually... but he's not so cruel as to wish that on you.

Regardless, he's sure you're going to come around, once you're convinced to reconsider. Maybe an opportunity isn't quite enough. What you need is a little push.

#.ay #lena's asks

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