#and i am SO grateful bc everything else in my life i care abt so deeply and judge myself so harshly for/over

[angelstrawbabie420]

1 epic thing my autism gave me is complete lack of shame around my interests/hobbies like obvs unless it is something bigoted ala harry potter there is nothing anyone can say that will stop me from feeling zero embarrassment from participating in it and i cannot be bothered by being told i am “cringe” like my brother in christ there are far far more important things to focus on/be aware of as a person such as not being a piece of shit so if ur issue with me is my interests i cld not care less who give a fuck. ykwim.

[tasteleeknow]

is there a fic or something you’ve written that YOU believe is your best work yet like the best piece you feel like you’ve ever written but it didn’t get as much attention as you anticipated? and is there a post that you didn’t try as much on but the amount of attention it got still shocks you ?? 😅😅

I don’t write fics but I know I get sooo mad when in school i have to write papers & the papers I don’t try very hard on & write in a few hours do WAYY better than the papers I take hours or even days writing 🙄🙄🙄. Just recently I got an A+ on my final report that I did an hour before it was due while another paper that I wrote for a different class & actually tried on (spent DAYYSSSS writing) I received a D- 😭.

Sorry for the little rant but I’m genuinely curious LOL

the amount of work and time i put into writing has ZERO impact on how 'well' it does lmao for sure. hello stranger is my first series and i have a document of thousands of words with tables all full of character building and planning and it's... so much work. the chapters get like 500 notes maybe compared to one shots which usually get between 1 to 4k. i don't actually mind though bc i get way more feedback on the series. like ppl put essays in their reblogs and send me messages and all that. i care more about that than the notes, especially because the majority of notes are likes.

i actually tend to find the things that don't get flooded with likes have more ppl who will message me personally and be really passionate about it. i wrote a fairy!au that didn't do as well as most of my other minho one shots but i had ppl making moodboards for it and edits and all of that. which again, i appreciate more than likes.

koala still has the most notes and its one of the first things i wrote so i KNOW the quality of the writing is worse. also when i posted it i was convinced ppl would hate it like i was ready to hit delete. after that did so well i've just been like no fear tbh like how i feel about something seems to say nothing abt how others will feel. i just post and vibe.

i really don't think there has been anything i've posted where i was disappointed in the amount of attention it got. maybe aftercare with minho ?? it's a drabble but it had a label put on it literally 2 minutes after i posted it so it got very little exposure. i really am just grateful in general like my writing gets a lot more eyes on it than i ever would have expected so i really feel like i have nothing to complain about. i do just wish more of the eyes were... active rather than ya know silent/passive.

lmao in school i literally did everything at the very last second. i had a very severe undiagnosed case of adhd and was really just coasting the entire time. i remember having to convince teachers id hand something in and then just keep stalling until they actually just gave up or forgot about it. then there was like ONE TIME for some reason i really clicked with the content, it was a maths assignment and it was satisfying to my brain, so i spent a week on it and ended up helping a bunch of my class with it at the public library on the weekend and i got the highest mark possible and then never did it again. no lessons learned just 'well thats nice moving on'. but in uni when i was forced to actually do the work the assignments where i started earlier and tried harder did meh and the ones i didn't at all did well. so yeah, i get it. D- on something you'd worked so hard on..... i'd lose it hfjdsk i remember once handing something in that i'd worked harder on than anything else in my entire uni life and i barely passed and i was like yeah never trying again. and i didn't. and everything was fine. what's the lesson?? idk trying is overrated just vibe gfhdjs

sorry for MY rant hjds

[troglobite]

alsdfkjas

nothing like having what you think is a normal conversation w your mom abt feeling like shit and all of the medical things making you feel like shit and how that might be related to neurodivergence and social trauma but there's no fucking research on it only for her to say

"what trauma?"

"what? i already said"

"no, what trauma did you experience?"

cue wishing i was fucking dead

bc clearly nothing that has traumatized me in my life is REAL trauma.

real trauma is only the stuff that's happened to HER, not me.

being bullied for years doesn't bc i wasn't beaten up

being fat, mixed race, autistic, and queer my entire life and childhood and getting bullied for it doesn't count bc i wasn't assaulted, sexually or physically

nothing abt my life and anxiety and my friend groups abandoning me and turning on me was traumatizing, clearly

the only things that're traumatizing are SA, a guy's face on the news after a shooting (which i also fucking experienced, for the fucking record), and dealing w my horrible aunt. also being poor, but not in the way we were poor when i was a kid, only being poor in the way when SHE was a kid. bc it wasn't as bad for me.

nothing abt my life was traumatizing, nosiree!!!!

wow i wish i was fucking dead

doesn't matter how many times i've mentioned or discussed complex ptsd and how it's an ongoing thing

doesn't matter anything i've talked abt

or fear or stress or anxiety or anything

or the fact that just this summer, being alone for several weeks in a house full of spiders literally traumatized me

so i left the conversation after briefly explaining being bullied & the thing this past summer and just said "sorry i'm so fucking weak and pathetic"

haven't gotten a response back

it's just every fucking time i think there's been progress made--

like with these MEDICAL diagnoses i now have, she can BELIEVE me abt the pain and discomfort and misery i'm in, and how difficult things are for me

but now apparently we've backtracked on EVERYTHING ELSE

apparently i am untraumatized

apparently we're back in a world where only SHE'S traumatized (and talks abt it and names it but refuses to fucking do anything about it) but NOT ME

bc i'm weak and pathetic and my life is uninteresting and uneventful and unimportant

and it doesn't matter that being autistic changes what might be traumatizing to me

none of it matters

all that matter is that my pain is less than hers

it was less than my brother's

less than my dad's

less than my cousin's

less than everyone else

she dare fucking say to me as an adult that i sholudn't and can't compare my life to other people

but as a kid whenever i felt bad all i fucking heard was "so and so has it worse, be grateful and thankful for what you have. it could be worse."

my pain is never enough. it never matters. even when i'm in there talking abt how my stomach is burning and in active pain, i have the world's weirdest headache, i'm dizzy and tired and woozy and i'm scared something is wrong

i'm tired of having to wait to DO something abt my autoimmune diseases

i'm tired of feeling like shit, i'm tired of ibs, i'm tired of scientists and doctors not knowing WHY

i'm tired of how being autistic and being who i am predisposes me to do this stuff

but it's not enough

it's not enough reason to be in pain or traumatized

it's not enough, it doesn't pass the test or meet the bar

i'm weak. the ultimate conclusion is that i'm weak. and that is the only reason there's anything wrong w me. and there's not anything REALLY wrong, bc that would mean i wasn't weak. but i am weak. i'm weak and pathetic and i'm never suffering as much as others and i should be grateful. i can't ever complain bc i should be grateful bc things could always be worse.

doesn't matter if i SAY THAT at any point, it still doesn't mean i'm allowed to cmoplain at all.

and this is validated by basically everybody i know

"wow that sucks."

and then silence and nothing else

bc no one cares or thinks it matters and they're sick of listening to me complain bc i shouldn't be complaining

i am weak. i am pathetic. i deserve worse. i'm a baby crying over a papercut. and i wish i was dead.

[8bitgarden-sys]

Anyone else think in the last great american dynasty, Bill MIGHT have been the bad guy? Like yeah everyone else, but like… “women with madness,” self hate and internalized ableism, “their men and bad habits” —- UM HOLD ON

“The DOCTOR had TOLD HIM. to SETTLE. DOWN.” But it must’ve been her fault his heart gave out.

Like he, correct me if I’m wrong, knew what his town was like. They knew they’d all blame her when he died and he didn’t care (right? I’m willing to hear other sides! Bc its very possible that he had some kind of addiction or disorder that made things way more complicated than the song had room for! So maybe bad guy isn’t exactly what I’m saying)

But yeah we have an alter, Benji, who (tw for this stanza of abuse (non graphically mentioned) holds most of our what we call “roommate trauma” which was just a specific longish form traumatic event that happened in our life before we even knew we had DID, but HE—Benji—was the host. So he was the one experiencing like pretty much all of the gaslighting and predatory and stuff.

When he listens to this song, he cries. It’s his #1 swiftie song (tied for him specifically w all too well 10 mins if u’ve been following me for even 24 hrs u probably know that) bc of the end. “I had a marvelous time ruining everything.” We say more about that in a swiftie eras themed video essay we did which I’ll link here if ur interested—warning i SERIOUSLY messed up the backing music and it does get very loud at some times. If u think u can handle that and still hear what I’m saying, give it a shot! If u can’t and are still interested in what we said, dm us and we’ll send u the script we read from! But anyway the thing that resonates w us, and Benji the most, the most, is this:

Our “first” experience w tlgad was we were finally in the mood to listen to new music (any other neurodivergents feel me?) and we wanted to try folklore. I didn’t like it at first—and before we continue, I LOVE it now. I have a personal problem I’m working on, if i think something will be very one way and it’s just not it completely turns me off no matter how good it is and I need time to be ready to accept that it wasn’t what I thought, and it will be beautiful.

I listened, two years ago, to tlgad and turned it off at the line “it must’ve been her fault his heart gave out.” (Real life and major character death when it’s not an essential part of a story trigger me, and I wasn’t ready. No one’s fault)

I did ever pick it up again until…

The Eras Tour was added to Disney+. And we just were lucky enough to have it.

And she starts playing it, and i think I remember being like “oh god oh gos oh god its this oje irk it i can do this” but 1) i am SO grateful that this was my first REAL experience w it bc while i love the original one just the same the eras tour one hits different and 2) we cried so many happy tears hearing the end for the first time, and the performance??? How every actress and actor and taylor herself and EVERYONE did so well to make a very vivid story line that I finally got it, I got it, I got it, and it was beautiful.

And finally.

The way Taylor yells it.

“There goes the LOUDEST WOMEN THIS TOWN HAS EVER SEEN!!!!! 😍🥰💘☀️💃💪

So healing.

Ok i thought this was gonna be a 1-3 stanza paragraph but here it is. Ig what i personally want abt this post is to hear what ppl are personally thinking about (at any detail ur comfortable with, with proper trigger warnings) the song, what it means to help, if it’s helped them?

Anyway, I’ll reblog if i’ve forgotten smth.

[kazuwhora]

KAZUWHORA'S 2021 MUTUALS APPRECIATION POST !!

hi friends!! to follow up my blog updates post, I wanted to make a small post with some of the mutuals I interact with the most to show my appreciation! if you're not on this list, I still care and appreciate you so much, I just have a horrible brain!! and if you're a follower and not a moot, please know I appreciate you more than anything <3

sar hi baby. ilysm I hope you know that. my real life bf. the loml. ilysm and I love that you feel safe n comfortable enough with me to vent and send me voice messages abt stuff and u let me do it back. im so thankful 4 u and I will be ur scary mean dog <3 ily forever and everything u do. ur perfect <3 you matter so much to me. you are worth so much to me. and you deserve to be happy!

✿ @nanaminshousewife ✿

✿ @nanaminshousewife ✿

M BABY you are literally the sweetest creature to ever exist. I'm so beyond thankful for you and everything you've done to support me since I created my blog. you've always been one of my biggest supporters and you're so kind to me. I appreciate it more than u will ever know and you deserve the entire world and more!

✿ @dracutora ✿

DUUUUUCKKKIIIEEEE u make me laugh for real. I'm so glad I somehow found your blog and followed u bc the energy you give and radiate is so special and fun. your mind is genuinely amazing and everything you think of and come up with makes my jaw dislocate fr. as fucked as ur mind is ur a good person with a good heart and that's something I can appreciate, love, and indulge in <3

✿ @dreamingofsappho ✿

zehr <3 you really supported and validated me when I needed it most and you continue to do that after the fact. I appreciate you so much and everything you do for me and all the hype you give me and just everything. you're so talented, and so so sweet. pls be confident in yourself. you're worth it.

✿ @keizos ✿

hi zaire! you're such a wonderful presence in the writing community. I remember when I realized you followed me I almost choked and cried. I was so shocked that someone so eloquent and talented was following my measly blog with under 100 followers! I'm very grateful for the vibes you bring to the community and the work you put into uniting it <3 you're so wonderful

✿ @xianoii ✿

solar baby <3 I'll always support you no matter what you do and I hope you know that! I remember feeling so warm and happy seeing your posts when you were @/kazuphobic because I loved seeing someone else love kazutora as much as me, especially when it was a time where kaz didn't have as much hype! I love you so much and I want nothing more than for you to love yourself as much <3

✿ @ssanzuu ✿

hi my love!! I wanna tell u that whenever I see your posts or your url in my notifs/on the dash I'm always so happy and excited to see you. you're such a warm and supportive presence on my blog and I'm so thankful for all your support <3

✿ @r-indou ✿

JANUARY sometimes u make me cry because of how sweet you are. your sweet sweet tags on reblogs of my posts, your constant support, all of it. you're just amazing. I love you so much and I'm so glad you're here, and you're so smart and worthy of the whole world <3

✿ @01-20-1992 ✿

HANNNNNNN ik u have been on a bit of a break but ur another person who whenever I see ur url I just feel happy and excited. I love seeing your sweet tags and I love seeing your contributions to the community. you're amazing and I don't deserve you <3

✿ @01-1987 ✿

ALY ALY ALY god all my mutuals are so sweet and ur no exception to that. you're so kind and sweet and supportive and it makes me cry bc I can never express how grateful I am for you and everything you do to make me feel confident ab my work. ilysm and ur so smart and big brained and ur heart is even bigger. ily <3

✿ @manjiroro ✿

kai bb you have also been one of my og followers since under 100 and ugh you're just so soft and sweet and it makes me wanna be soft and sweet too. I'm so appreciative of the hype you give me and the koko pictures you leave me <3 you're always welcome in my inbox whenever you please

✿ @mqtsuno ✿

HIIIII I cant even lie I was nervous when I saw u were following me because I loved your writing sm and I was like omfhijde are they following me fr and I hid in terror bc u intimidated me hardcore. but you're so sweet and kind and I love everything that comes out of your mouth and fingers <3 marry me

✿ @s-shinichirosgf ✿

EVERY TIME I GET AN ANON I GET HOPEFUL ITS U fr I can't tell you how much your messages mean to me when you send them. the compliments, the support, all of it. you're so kind hearted and it's so admirable. please never change and if anyone tries to walk all over u call me over and I'll fight them for u >:)

✿ @8kh ✿

hunter!!!! ive said this once but I'll say it again: I was scared af when I realized u were following me for real. I had like 30 followers and I just about cried because I was like FUCK what if my shit isnt good enough like help someone help. ur literally otherworldly and the content you create and put out deserves all the support and love it gets and I'm so honoured to be mutuals with someone as elegant and talented as you <3

✿ @bokebelle ✿

HELLO SWEET THING we're more recent mutuals but I wanted to add you in here because something about your energy and your aura is so calming and warm to me. whenever I see your icon on my dash I smile, and you seem to bring this comforting sense of energy with you wherever you interact. thank you for supporting me and always hyping me up <3 you're amazing

✿ @blueparadis ✿

hi paradis <3 im so thankful for your support of this blog. you're truly a sweet person with nothing but love to give and it's so admirable. I wish I were able to be as kind and loving as you are. thank you for always brightening my day with your replies <3

✿ @hoeruchiyo ✿

TEE HI im unmarried and waiting for the ring on my finger. you're such a good writer and ur so funny I genuinely love u and everything u do and post so pls be mine. I can't wait to see more content from u in the future and u have to tag me in everything.

✿ @azurexsnake ✿

snake ur so hot please fuck me immediately im going 2 cry. I don't even remember how I found your blog but I'm so glad I did. your content is A+ and you yourself as a person is just so cool and like collected!! anyways lets pls get married

✿ @festive ✿

AHH your blog is beautiful, really. I'm really glad I found you and your blog because everything you do is so amazing!! you're so sweet and such an amazing person with an amazing brain. I'm thankful for you <3

✿ @mommysano ✿

khoosha marry me lets be gfs mikey can be included <3 every time I see u all I think is smart and elegant bc thats what you are. you're so cool and just, composed its idk I FUCKIGN LOVE IT. I'm so glad I follow you <3

✿ @blondbirb ✿

birb you're so sweet. I want u to know whatever you choose to do whether its write for tr or not I will always support you. you're so kind and supportive to me and no matter what I'll be there!!! I love talking to you and I'm so thankful for you letting me vent.

✿ @scummy-simp ✿

hi lennie <3 I love interacting w you in the server. you’re truly so kind and sweet and validating!! thank you for always listening to me vent, or sending me asks, and supporting my blog in general <3 you’re very special

✿ @suyaluvs ✿

SUMIII you’re just so peachy. idk how do describe you. sweet, loving, caring, validating, all the works. I love seeing you on the dash and I appreciate you so much. I look forward to more content this year <3

✿ @wakaslut ✿

LAST BUT NOT LEASSST u know im not good or halfway capable of expressing my appreciation for irl friends the same way I do for online friends so im gonna try my best here and pretend like im not currently dming u rn watching howls moving castle. anyways I GIVE U SHIT SO OFTEN SOMETIMES I DO FEEL KINDA BAD FOR MAKING U SO EMOTIONAL FORGIVE ME I try rly hard to suppress my dickish entp tendencies but sometimes its so hard. anyways im so thankful 4 having a friend like u in my life bc I've never had one like this before and it's refreshing <3 SO TY OK IM DONE NOW

✿ @svnzus ✿

HELP I COULD HAVW SWORN I PUT U IN HERE AND IT DELETED OR SONWTHING I SWEAR IM SO SORRY abtways ur so sweet to me I don’t deserve you 😭 your reblogs, asks, all of it. Im so thankful you exist and I’m more than thankful for your sweetness and support 🖤

[windose20s]

i probably won’t read it until tmrw ( i’m going to bed soon ) but i would love to know about this mmj story interpretation :D i may not know a lot abt pjsk but i’m rlly interested in ur interpretation !!

THANK YOU FOR ASKING OML i should probably revise this in the morning as its like. 12:45 am rn but i DONT care i am so autistic abt these silly idols

i’ll be using exclusively 3rd person and using canon prns here for readability but do keep in mind that i am haruka irl and that may be affecting how i interpret the story!! under the cut <3

ok so uhhh this is very loosely from memory its been a while since i’ve read the unit story (hence my note at the top abt how i should revise this in the morning lol) but a very brief summary for izaya:

minori hanasato really wants to be an idol!!! she’s been inspired by haruka kiritani since she was small (middle school? idk she looks really young in the art so maybe earlier) and works really hard to try to achieve her dream. unfortunately, she gets rejected from every auditon she attends. suddenly, haruka retires from idol activities. haruka starts going to minori’s school.

a lot of drama and training montages and virtual singers later, minori puts on a show to convince haruka to return to being an idol, this time with her (and two other retired idols that go to her school other than haruka) indie group instead of her previous employer. this show inspires haruka to not give up and reminds her how much she loved being an idol in the first place.

ok now to the actual interpretation part lolol

some people claim mmj’s story to be unhealthily positive (idk i think? again it is very late at night), but i..don’t really think that’s the case.

minori is very grateful for everything haruka has done for her, albeit through a stage/screen/what-have-you. haruka had shaped her unending optimism about becoming an idol. in the story, minori is stated to have failed at least 50 (i don’t remember if theres more but there’s DEFINITELY at least 50) auditions, but her hope never wavers. it’s deeply concerning to see the creator of her hope and belief in the fact that tomorrow will be a better day in a state where Haruka is obviously denying what she wants to do in favor of her fear of the unknown.

Everyone can see that Haruka misses being an idol. Miku acknowledges it, and Miku is aware of their feelings directly (bc sekai magic), so it’s true.

I’ve definitely seen people saying that Minori ‘dragged’ her unitmates back from their retirement and normal lives. But…the only reason they came back is that they wanted to. She didn’t force them to do anything. Airi and Shizuku are not doormats (Airi especially), they would tell her if she was unwelcome to involve them in idol activites.

Minori has big dreams, but theyre ultimately achievable for her (albeit through a lot of luck and fate of three popular retired idols going to her school being willing to join her, but still). For most of her life, she’s looked up to the concept of idols and the thought of delivering hope to the world. She wants to make the world better. She wants to be what Haruka was to her for someone else.

anyways live laugh love minori hanasato

[sunsbled-archive]

no but seriously can i just. drop a rant abt Lukas bc i love him so much he's my comfort muse.

he's so giving even when he says he's not. he grew up doing everything everyone asked him to and feeling incredibly guilty when he forgot. and it only worsened after leaving home. he doesn't consider himself a person anymore because the person he used to be died legally so now he thinks he's nothing more than the shadow of someone that used to live. he thinks he's the worst kind of person for putting his family through that pain (hell, when his childhood friend discovered he was still alive he thought maybe he should've died for real just to spare people the pain of eventually finding out he's still alive) and he thinks he doesn't deserve to still live.

everything he does is to make other people feel better, to make sure nobody around him has to feel the same misery he feels every single day. there's no way to sugarcoat how much he hates himself and it breaks my heart because he legitimately thinks that he does not deserve anything good. even when people tell him that he does. he wants to believe, wants to wake up one day and feel good. but he doesn't and hes given up working on feeling like he's a good person. now everything he does is just to feel like he's worthy of good things. because in his head he can't be a good person, not if he willingly subjected people to the pain of losing someone.

and he tries so fucking hard, too. he'd willingly take a bullet for a stranger if it meant that they goet to live because in his eyes everyone else deserves to live and experience another day. he constantly gets hurt because he can't sleep properly so at night he tends to wander around and every time he catches someone trying to harm someone else he intercepts. he instinctually is protective of the weaker person in a situation already but nowadays it's ten times worse because the second someone's at a disadvantage he's willing to fight their battles for them.

but he still smiles, he's still grateful for everything good and everyone in his life even if he thinks he doesn't deserve it BECAUSE he knows what it's like to not have your kindness acknowledged. he's genuinely such a broken soul but he still tries to piece it together enough to function as a human because he's so ready to give the pieces left over to other people. and he can't even see that. he's saved lives before, he's helped people and i am sure there's people he's inspired to better themselves and he doesn't even know. but he smiles anyways because in his mind the strongest people are the ones who smile even if they're in pain. because he wants to feel like he's in control over one thing at least, even if it's his smile.

and i can't stretch this enough. he's so giving!!! he'd readily give his last shirt to someone else. he's regularly broke because he keeps donating his money or buying things for people who can't afford it. he's living on the bare minimum because in his mind material possessions aren't what he needs. the most expensive things in his apartment are all for his dogs, too.

and he loves so, so much. he has so much love to give that he doesn't know what to do with it because he sincerely loves the world and it's inhabitants even if it's horrible. he has such a big heart and everyone he meets is always met with kindness and absolutely no assumption. he makes.it a point to meet everyone face to face, to get a clear picture of people before he judges them and i wish i could do that every time. he sincerely doesn't care what people look like because the world's been so cruel to him and he's received kindness from the most unlikely looking people so he just kind of. made it a point to never judge a book by its cover. i love him so much because Lukas finds beauty in everyone. because he sees people for who they are and not for what they present as. even people everyone's absolutely terrified of are just potential friends to him.

and he's so thankful for every little thing to. he seems like an idiot but he remembers every small detail about the people that give him the time of the day. they mentioned they like something passing YEARS AGO? he remembers!! they did something as simple as lend him an umbrella five years ago?? HE KNOWS!! HE REMEMBERS!!! he says he's stupid but he's so incredibly perceptive of people and how they feel and what they do he's gotten really good at reading people. but he doesn't use that against anyone or for his own gain!! he reads people but he respects that there's a reason they keep things to themself!! he doesn't prod or question u less they give little hints that it's okay for him to do so!!

and he always asks for permission for anything!! because he knows what it's like to have things done to you without consent so it's always so incredibly important to have permission for everything to him!!

in conclusion: lukas is, and always will be, my baby and if you squint you will find that there's a piece of him in any of my muses

[coepiteamare]

about me? tag games

tagged by the lovely @yeojaa! thank you for the tag!

tagging: @bratkook​ (because you’re gorgeous but also hi! i want to talk to you more but i’m so easily intimidated 🥺) idk anyone else who doesn’t mind their face being shown, but if you want to, consider yourself tagged by me 💕🥰

post your favourite/most recent photo of yourself 

i do not like my face unless it doesn’t look like my face? but i’m trying to be better about accepting it/taking pictures because it’s the one face i’m going to get. and lovely noor always hypes me up 🥰 this is my most recent one...from one year ago! all of my photos are from aerial performances lol which is why the outfit is very sparkly. (...i don’t know why my lips are always pursed someone help me)

the first thing that came to mind was my tenacity and stubbornness. it’s a double edged sword, especially when i get unnecessarily competitive with the stupidest things (there have been many times when i would argue with my therapist for the stupidest things for the sake of “winning.” jesse, i’m so sorry), but it’s funny at times. 

the first thing that came to mind was my tenacity and stubbornness. it’s a double edged sword, especially when i get unnecessarily competitive with the stupidest things (there have been many times when i would argue with my therapist for the stupidest things for the sake of “winning.” jesse, i’m so sorry), but it’s funny at times. 

i dont know if this a personality trait, but my willingness to learn? i like to be openminded because there is so much out there that i do not know. and there’s so much that i had (and still have!) to unlearn and re-learn and learn to be a better human being. and a lot of that isn’t possible without being willing to learn and open-minded! 

favourite body part of yours

my ankles? i have a friend who really likes my ankles. (they’re weirdly tiny? i have small hands, but if i wrap my hand around it, i can almost touch my thumb and middle finger. they’re also super weak though so i lose my balance quite often and have stretched my ligament a few times). or my eyes i guess. to be honest, i really don’t like my body but i’ve been trying to practice body neutrality more, trying to understand that this is the body i’ve been given and while i may not love it, it does what it needs to do and i’m very fortunate and privileged to be able bodied on the surface and mostly able bodied in general! 

favourite aesthetic/style on yourself

ohhh a tough one. i really like oversized sweaters and shirts with short shorts so that it looks like i’m not wearing anything underneath? one of my friends likes to associate that look with me. i also love sundresses, the ones that float and settle gently when you spin. 

what are you most proud of?

my friends! my friends are a great source of my pride and joy and i’m very proud and grateful to be able to have them in my life, that they have seen me through my ups and downs, that they’re willing to call me out on my bullshit and still sit with me when i’m low, and that they love me. i’ve made quite a few reckless decisions, but the friends i keep and made, they’re some of the best ones i’ve made in my life. but...if we’re going for a more direct answer, how much care and affection i give to my friends! sometimes i’m not a great friend because i’m unable to work past my depression and si and thoughts, but i think for the most part and when it counts the most, i try my best to be present with my friends and check in with them, sending them messages, and doing everything in my power to let them know they’re loved and appreciated! i wouldn’t be where i am today without my friends. 

a trait people say they like about you

i’m cackling. i actually had to ask my groupchat this: they said they like how excited i am about things/when i care about someone/something i care A LOT about them and i’m invested 200%. “you call it being a nerd abt things you like including marvel, queens gambit, etc. I think you carry it into how you love & care for ppl too. i feel that way when you tell me that you’ll read my papers even tho they’re long & annoying or when you bring me food bc you remember I had been craving it or when your randomly text me things out of nowhere & just check in on me to see how I’m doing” “i like how excited u get abt things. it’s nice knowing u want me to be a part of ur world.”

a personality/physical trait that you used to be ashamed of but now appreciate

oh dear. for physical, my eyes? they’re monolidded and they don’t fit western/korean beauty standards, so as a kid, they were one of my biggest insecurities. but now, i’ve kind of come to peace with them? it makes makeup harder because there’s things that i can’t do (not that i have the talent to pull off intricate eyeshadow looks anyways) but we work with what we’re given. 

personality wise...i’m not really sure because i think i’ve grown and changed a lot, but a lot of things have stayed the same and i don’t really think i was embarrassed about my personality? there are lots that i don’t like that i’ve come to accept, however. i’m work very much in extremes: i’m a leaky faucet or breaking dam. i’m all or nothing. i feel too much or too little. i used to hate it, but now, it’s just whatever. i’m very ambivalent about it. 

favourite colour on you?

blue! i really like wearing blue and black and white? i think blue is just very versatile and i associate a lot of my personality to it. black and white is...well black and white haha. i feel like they look good with anything but i don’t own a lot of them, for some reason. maybe when things get better, i’d like to thrift some more black and white pieces. 

favourite clothing on you

MY DOCS! even though they’re high key a bitch and i bought them because the girls i worked with encouraged my desire to buy them (2/3 of my female coworkers at levis wore docs with their jeans and i felt like it was validating me to finally make the purchase after 3 years.) they go with almost everything and they make me feel like i can stomp all over my insecurities! i like jeans (probably from my short stint at levi’s), especially the high waisted ones. my favourites are the painter boys (loose, lots of pockets, wide legged) and the wedgie (that name is ridiculous, no matter how many times i see/say it). i love my ripped wedgie jeans with my docs. as for tops, i love cardigans but do not own any.

an aesthetic you want to try but are too scared to

CROP TOPS!!! crop tops and skin tight clothing? because of my body shape, i know they look good on me but i just am not comfortable in them? i would also love to try thigh high boots at one point in my life. also, the all black, professional aesthetic? idk what it’s called, but the blazers and black turtlenecks and slacks? would love to try, but that section intimidates me

things you like getting compliments on the most

i’m awful at receiving compliments unless they’re sarcastic ones hehe. but i like getting compliments on my writing? or on the things that i do that make other people happy and loved? i like receiving compliments on the things that i do for other people! (not that i do them to receive compliments though!)

lastly, do you love yourself?

ahahahaha 🙃

[acryofhelp]

It has been such a long time since I last used tumblr. It used to be a fun distraction. Even when I read thousand of posts about different subjects that I care about and silently agreed with....it felt like it wasn't real. Like my life was nothing more than a bundle of wrong choices and way too many "I am scared to"'s. I am still scared. I am stressed and anxious and sometimes very depressed. Yes I have my friends and family. No they don't know everything about me. My best friends do. But sometimes it feels like not even they understand. Don't get me wrong...I love them so much and I am grateful for them....but I feel the need to write this here. To Express my thoughts in a way it won't reach them and hurt their feelings. Maybe it is selfish...who knows? It is just frustrating yk? Wanting to be yourself. And constantly having people undermine you. I am bisexual. I hear lots of comments abt my sexuality. "Just choose one. Bisexuals are cheaters" and so on. My best friend thought bisexuality means excluding other gender identities and didn't hesitate to say that to my face even though I have had this discussion with her many, many times. No. It is not like that. I can fall for cis or nonbinary or trans or genderfluid people just the same. I myself am genderfluid. So I took it pretty hard. Like she was telling me i am invalidating my own existence. Yes i am genderfluid and i am proud of my gender identity. It took me such a long time to realise that there is nothing wrong with me. It was so hard to accept myself and it still is sometimes. In March of this year,right before the quarantine, we went out with some other classmates of ours. They started saying how nonbinary/trans people are way too extra for asking people to use the right pronouns. My best friend agreed to them knowing my gender identity, knowing how hurtful it was. How I would feel like crying bcs it feels just so frustrating to have people use the wrong pronoun. Misgender you. I was glad i had to go to a class so i got up and said "if someone would call one of you girls a he you would freak out and put out your boobs to show you are a girl. You are no different and no better." And i left.I am polyamorous. When I first told my best friend that I was invited to join a polyamorous relationship she freaked so bad. She acted like it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I laughed and said I wasn't interested anyways. It was a lie. I bottled it down. Deep deep down just like I did with everything else and it was eating me from the inside out. I came to terms with this too. Yes I can be in both monogamous and poly relationships. I have so much love to give. Sometimes I feel like my feelings...my pain don't matter. I am going to start a very stressful year in my life. And I can't keep bottling in everything. And I can't tell her all I said here because it would hurt her. But I felt hurt, betrayed, left aside. I feel like the moment she doesn't need me, she treats me like I don't matter. But at the same time she has been there for me through so much. I don't know if this is a toxic relationship. Somehow all my relationships are toxic. They wear me out. I am tired. I am just tired and I want it to stop. I am not writing all of this for any kind of attention because I don't care how many people see this. I am doing this for myself. Because for once I want to stop putting myself second. For once I will not care about other people's feelings and just for mine. I am tired indeed. Tired of feeling this way...tired of letting it happen. Maybe one day I will show her all this. When I man up. But for now I will post here every now and then...to let off some steam. .to help deal with everything. If anyone had the time and read all of this thanks for listening to my ranting and I hope you have an amazing day

[one-abuse-survivor]

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

[mercemerry]

     ( maya hawke, trans female, she/her, fire emblem: three houses ) * &. i know it must be scary for you, leonie pinelli, after surviving the takeover. to turn into someone like leighanne “leigh” phillips, a twenty-five year-old pool lifeguard at the delmare & student at castle town university, right here in castle town. just remember that you are as honest as you are competitive, and to be wary, be safe, be true to who you are : neutral through and through. ( hywia )

      hey howdy hey what’s UP my DEERS ( please don’t murk me ) i’m back with . . . hopefully my last character for a while ?? i don’t really have any plans for anyone else as of Yet - leonie is a character i,,, absolutely adore but never thought i’d pick up in the beginning but holy HELL i love her and i’m so excited to write her and i’m here to defend her from all slander. click for more abt her under the cut !!

BEFORE THE SNAP  /  L E O N I E  P I N E L L I .

soooOOOOO. okay. in FE3H , Leonie is a student of the Golden Deer house/class and like a few of the other students , she’s a commoner instead of a noble. and right off the bat you find out one thing - that she’s an apprentice of Byleth’s father , Jeralt , and he’s her hero and she idolizes him.

this !! was from an instance where Jeralt stopped by her little hunting village and rescued the people of her village from poachers ; he basically taught Leonie a few things she knows , and she referred to herself as his apprentice since. 

it was because of him that Leonie knew what she wanted to do - she wanted to be mercenary , especially one that could succeed the man she idolized.

so flash forward to years later at Garreg Mach’s Officers Academy - Leonie got in through her entire village basically paying for her to go , and for that she baaaasically accumulated a lot of debt from it. she’s really frugal with her money because of this. but turns out !! jeralt’s there , and he brings his kid , byleth , with him , and leonie sort of forms a one-sided rivalry with them since they’re pretty much the next-gen and Leonie wants to prove she’s on-par with them , if not better , because they’re pretty much Jeralt 2.0 in terms of fighting premise and that was Leonie’s goal.

eventually , though , this rivalry turns into Leonie being attached to Byleth through mutual grieving once ( spoiler alert ) Jeralt bites the dust , as well as Leonie making a promise to Jeralt that she’d watch over Byleth if anything happened to him - essentially , filling Jeralt’s role , but not in the exact way she expected.

a few cool things !! leonie is really skilled in hunting & fighting - she makes a very good cavalry unit with skills in lance & archery - i’m setting her up to be my bow knight on my current playthrough - and holy hell she has a LOT she can boast about. she’s just a really good unit and could probably level a battlefield by herself with minimal grinding in-game.

her personality is very honest & truthful , but blunt in a sense that more often than not , even if the situation doesn’t call for it , she WILL speak her mind and give brutal honesty if she believes in it. sometimes , she’ll immediately say what she’s thinking , even if it’s here jumping to conclusions or snapping impulsively. i... honestly really adore that about her , since it’s not very similar to me , but i kinda wish i had her bravery in that sense.

but hOLY HELL is she determined & hardworking and she’s actually a pretty cool person - she’s what i call a chaotic lawful because she’s,,,, a subtle kind of chaotic that still has her own code. she’s also REALLY GOOD at managing her time & money and kind of sees every single opportunity she has to train and work hard and yeah leonie is no fucking slouch and we gotta stan that.

she’s one of the gd members who regularly says ‘fuck’ but also ‘watch your fucking language’ if, like, lysithea or sb swears. the one who probably contributes to as many chaotic fuckshit shenanigans as she tries to fix.

anyways i’m gay and i am sOOOOO excited to write her !! i’m not exactly dECIDED yet in what path i want to pull her from out of either verdant wind or crimson flower , since i love leonie staying with the deer and can’t really see her wanting to ally with the people who killed her mentor ( twsitd , who worked with the empire briefly ) but also a timeline where she follows byleth and fulfills her promise to jeralt - who was also extremely suspicious of the church. it’s INTERESTING and i haven’t figured it out yet.

also she’s a chaotic bi bc i’m a chaotic bi that loves to project.

also okay i just also wanna say pls no. ‘leonie wanted to [REDACTED] ur dad’ jokes they kinda,,, sorta,,, make me rly uncomfortable esp since leonie sees jeralt as pm her mentor and Nothing More so if u could just refrain from tht i would b !! grateful.

AFTER THE SNAP  /  L E I G H  P H I L L I P S .

okay soooOOOOOOO. trigger warnings here for parental death & murder. 

so she survived the takeover , and remembers all of the events of her past life , but . . . leigh phillips did not have a good time here in castle town.

she grew up firstly with a family who wasn’t doing so well - they were happy , certainly , but they lived in a bad part of delaware & it wasn’t the best scenario because there were a lot of times leigh went without basic needs. but they made it , it was okay.

thought things really changed when leigh was a teenager , just shy of sixteen years old when her parents were murdered during a home invasion & she was the only survivor.

still a minor - scared & alone - she was taken in by a family friend and her husband who were perhaps waaaay more well-off than she was. this essentially was a tragic rags-to-riches story , where a girl who had nothing lost everything she had , but was taken in by a loving home that gave her everything she ever wanted.

and in castle town , that sorta-kinda was her reputation. she was coddled & cared for by her foster parents and didn’t really have to do anything to support herself - she got a job at the local rich people hotel as a lifeguard , but she didn’t need it. she had a full ride in college paid for by her foster family & anything she asked for. 

THEN SHE WAKES UP.

wakes up as in , she wakes up with this new past & life in castle town and the thing is . . . leonie ?? isn’t a fan of living the rich kid life. isn’t a fan of not having to work. isn’t a fan of allowing herself to be coddled & protected & sheltered and basically have everything served to her on a silver platter.

she finds out how this happened and while she doesn’t condemn the people who took her in - because they are good people - she starts defying it in any other way. she starts working odd jobs at other places and saving any penny she gets. and this is weird , because everyone else in castle town knows her as this spoiled rich girl who would get all of the best things she wanted and now ?? she wants to live on her own ?? support herself ?? she’s shopping at walmart and the thrift store ??

hell yeah.

leigh’s whole mission is to pretty much break away from that reputation that was created for her in this fake life ; and that , in turn , basically has her trying to morph back into one more like home. she currently is living by herself , but is still employed at the delmare since , yeah , it’s a job , and any job will do. but she doesn’t really want to rely on her foster parents anymore for support , since they did a lot for her but she doesn’t like the idea of overstaying her welcome.

so it’s sorta-kinda a case of leigh is acting . . . VERY DIFFERENT from how she would prior to her realizing she’s actually leonie pinelli from fodlan and not someone else. so it’s gonna be a reALLY interesting dynamic to play and i’m so so SO excited for it.

anyways !! i’m gonna be heading to bed , but tomorrow i’ll be back for plotting & stuff  and will do some replies/starters and maybe even some wcs to get the ball rolling for my girl !! love y’all xoxo

[kae-karo]

things i’m grateful for

okay preface: i hate the reason thanksgiving was invented ofc but i do love the concept of taking a day to sit back and remind myself of the things in my life that i’m grateful for so here we go (and pls i encourage y’all to take some time and do the same) anyway feel free to read below the cut if y’all want way too much insight into my personal life lmao

my friends

without question, my experience both in the phandom and like in life in general has so massively improved thanks to these lovely people and i can’t say i’d be as happy a person as i am without them

of course my incredible gcs (jolly best friends and dickmates, “moderate sex references”, we have goldfish memories, katashen, and the gc that always changes names lmao) and the lovelies in them @thereisnobearonthisisland @philsroots @uselessphillie @daliensgrandads @severaltortillascollector @dnptrqsh @dip-and-pip-trash @transhowell @dreamdilddy @hey-itskxt @dreamdilddy @freckliephil @philsdrill @phloridas @lovestillaround @legdabs @amczingphil @phantasieslide @maanjha @manialester @sleeplessnightwithphan @phandumb @imnotinclinedtomaturity @auroraphilealis @ineverywordisay @glitterydanandphil @kerasines @workinprogress91 @merridewhoo @natigail @swissfuckingcheesegdi @phastelpink​ @stick-it-to-the-phan @phanarchy

my dearest friends irl with whom i never spend enough time and often bail on bc i’m tired of existing around people, but who never fail to be lovely and kind and wonderful friends anyway. i’ve known them for eight years now and i am so lucky to have found them and to still be friends with them

a very good friend of mine who taught me everything i know about customer service and just being a diligent person (she’s also literally the reason i link everything so uhh thank her lmao) who i consider my lesbian big sister and who i’ve been so so lucky to get to reconnect with and will get the opportunity to work with starting in december and who even remembered one of my fave bands like after literally two years when i only mentioned them one time i love her

my family

whomst thank fuck are not on this hellsite but i love them all dearly

my sister who’s like still figuring her life out and doing a way better job of deciding what she enjoys doing than i ever did and like she’s younger than me but it’s a constant lesson that hey look it’s good to be true to yourself and do what you want. and i’m so grateful that we don’t fight the way we used to, that we’re like partners in crime and that she actually likes spending time with me and thank god she’s not gonna see this bc she thinks i get too sappy sometimes but i gotta make up for hiding her glasses when we were younger and literally forgetting about them for two weeks okay <3

my parents who have always been steadfast supporters even when they don’t love my choices. without them, i wouldn’t be where i am today, i wouldn’t have the level of independence i do today, and honestly i wouldn’t have learned to find the strength to follow my own path. i also can’t thank them enough for supporting even when they don’t understand, like they literally do not understand dnp but my dad found out they were doing ii and asked if i would want tickets for christmas and my mom always asks about my writing

my grandma who, bless her soul, has been completely alone without my grandpa for two years now, after having been with him since she was sixteen, who reminded me (unintentionally) that people who are suffering from mental health issues (she’s had depression for years now) can so greatly benefit from having someone reach out. i’m grateful for our weekly calls where we just catch up, because sometimes i go for a year without seeing her in person (usually just for the holidays) and it’s good to know how things are going with her. i’m also eternally grateful to her for reminding me that people are just people. my parents often talk about her as if she’s some one-dimensional character who only has a handful of (negative) personality traits, and it’s nice to get to know her on my own

the rest of my extended family, who, although i’m not nearly as close to, are still always fun to see during the holidays, and i’m immensely grateful that i don’t have the kind of family that i dread seeing. there’s always entertainment, overflowing alcohol (not that i partake, but everyone else has a fuckin blast with it), and laughter and although i occasionally feel a bit outside the circle (lots of cousins getting married/in relationships/etc and uhhh can’t relate lmao) i never fail to look forward to seeing everyone

y’all

yeah ik it’s cheesy but i do really appreciate y’all so much? like. i just read this note i made to myself abt something unrelated a year ago but i’d offhand mentioned that i was so so thrilled to have almost a hundred people following me. like it just blew my mind that so many people were interested in what i had to say, in my writing at the time, etc. and now,,,,,i mean. jfc i can’t even begin to fathom what i must’ve done to deserve all of y’all, and to deserve you all being so kind. like since the minute i joined tumblr i saw/heard horror stories of mean anons, of people being rude for the sake of it, etc etc. and like. of the literal thousands of asks i’ve gotten, i can count on one hand the number of even vaguely unkind ones. it just makes me so immensely happy to know that such lovely, kind people want to participate in this blog. so please know that i appreciate the existence of every single one of you not just uwu bc u follow me and that’s what i’m supposed to say or w.e but bc you’re out here making a positive impact on the world and on me, and you’re the kind of lovely person that i’m so glad i have the pleasure of existing alongside

dnp

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ u knew it was coming, but honestly i am grateful to them as people

they set such fantastic examples for how to be good humans, constantly donating their time to good causes, reminding us to take care of ourselves, and doing their best to figure themselves out which yes is so incredibly important bc it’s this amazing example of how people aren’t any perfect shiny version of themselves, they’re real and raw and imperfect and that’s why we love them???? and by extension, that teaches us self love and love for others

that’s another thing i really didn’t realize at first - how much self-hatred i was harboring, how much internalized homophobia (toward myself! never others) and how much i just accepted about the world (heteronormativity, misogyny, the lack of diversity in media, the list goes on) and a lot of things said by both dnp and by the phandom have helped open my eyes to things like that. and dnp helped me realize that being ace isn’t a bad thing??? which was such a horrible thing i’d held onto for years and years

so i’m so grateful to dnp for existing, for being who they are and how they are and for encouraging the wonderful kindness and acceptance that they want to see in the world

my therapist

and to daniel and depression for convincing me to see one. i’ve let go of a lot of the baggage i was holding onto over the time i’ve been seeing my therapist and i’m grateful to her for, well, doing her job. and for doing it well, and for asking the questions that i didn’t think to ask, to get at things i didn’t think about before. and for reminding me (not directly, but by virtue of her existence) that honesty is one of the most important things to me

my job

or just generally the jobs i’ve had over the years that force me to interact with people, because it’s taught me that nobody’s ever angry or upset for no reason, and that people who are angry or upset and mean are not mean because they’re actually trying to be vicious but because they’re suffering in some way. so it’s a daily reminder to treat everyone with kindness and not take things personally, because ultimately most people are not intentionally vicious people. and i’m grateful to my job for reminding me how meaningful it is to me to help others

#privilegecheck

i think it’s important at this point that i stop and remind myself that i was born with a lot of privilege that makes my life immensely easy compared to others. i’m grateful for my upbringing and the ways that i’ve benefited from my privilege, but i need to acknowledge that i have benefited. not everyone is as lucky, and i need to be mindful of that in the things i do and say, and in the actions i choose to take, and - when i can - i should be using my privilege to help others

and finally, my greatest of thanks goes out to the fic writers, the gif makers, the edit makers, the phan artists, and all the other lovely people who make this community so wonderful

[jwoogf-remade]

i have such good people in my life.

i'm just sitting here, and realizing how loving everyone i know is. my heart beats for all of my friends and mutuals. i haven't had the best days and i just,,, i don't understand how i got so lucky. everyone always does their best to cheer me up in the best ways possible, and i'll never understand how i'm just so damn lucky to have these kinds of people in my life??? i'm overly affectionate, and i think that sometimes that scares people away. also the fact that i'm a bit of a crackhead. but you guys just stick by my side, no matter how crazy i get sometimes. i'm so freaking grateful, and i'm so lucky to be where i am today. i'm so lucky to have you all in my life. i love everyone, so much. my heart beats a million times a minute for you. i'll always be here if you need anything. i promise i promise i promise.

@angeltual maddie, my heart is so soft for you. you're such a genuine person, and i will never understand how i got so lucky to be your friend. you make me smile when i just simply see you on my dash. please know you are loved times a million, and i love you times a million. you're so kind to me, and i will never understand how i got SO darn lucky. thank you for being such a good friend to me. i can never thank you enough, angel. you truly are an angel. i love love love you, maddie.

@gukkscafe you have made me smile so many times to the point where i can't count, shay. i am so grateful that you've been there for me through all of my hard times. you're so loving, and i am so lucky to have you by my side through everything, even though i'm a pain in the ass sometimes for not responding on time. you still tell me you love me and appreciate me. you hype me up when i'm not in the best moods. you listen to my horrible ranting. you comfort me when you can. you're there for me, and i will forever be grateful for you, shay. i love you, with all my heart, you beautiful human. i am so damn lucky to have you as my best friend. yes, my best friend, you dork.

@goner-jimin rayne, you're the softest human i have come to know. we've been through a lot together, and we've been friends for a year now. you're my longest internet friend, and i hope one day we come to meet each other. so i can hug you and squeeze you. you're so kind, and i love how you're always there for me. you listen, and although you never really know what to say half the time, i appreciate you being there for me and doing your best to cheer me up. it really is truly appreciated. you're truly appreciated. i promise to always be here for you whenever you need me, just like you've been for me. you're loved, i love you so much.

@hobioh / @silksmoothie JUHI!!! you are the sweetest human to exist, and i want you to know that i love love love you. we don't talk as much as we used to, but i want you to know that i'm always here for you if you ever need anything. you are so incredibly funny and you deserve ALL of hobi's kisses hehe i hope one day you marry that man 😔✊

@hobichus OMGGG parker!!! you are so so so freaking soft n sweet! i know we don't talk much but you are still so sweet and adorable. you make my heart clench with softness :(. you're just so adorable, parker :( like,,, my heart is ZOOMING just writing this. i love you, and i hope we talk more :(

@junguwuz eve!!! omg!!! i love you so so so much :( you are so kind to me, and i love talking to you. i message your inbox from time to time, and it's just always a good time when we talk. you're so so soooo nice and literally just a cute lil fluffball,, jungwoo would LOVEEE you!! hehe he would find you just as cute as i do 💗💗💗

@jenology cy :( omg i love you with all my heart. i know you probably won't see this, but i love you. i really really really love you. we text on imessage now and i love talking with you. i am so so so happy to be your friend and to have found you one day out of the blue. i would love to talk more and more and get to know each other more and more. i am so grateful and lucky to have you in my life. although we suck at responding and have two different timezones, i still enjoy talking to you when we can talk. you are the sweetest, most lovable human i have come across. please let me know if you ever need anything, i'll always be here, bello angelo.

@jenos KRYS!!! oMG you are literally so charming and adorable and yet also freaking funny. like you don't even know states,,,, even though you live in CALIFORNIA. omg krys seriously HSBDHSBDB you crack me up everytime we talk, and i hope you're doing well over there on the west coast. you're such a lil dork and i love you, you dweeb. hehe seriously i love you and i'm always here for you if you need anything. 💗💗💗

@jeonssky sky you are literally such a fuckin dork. and we both really suck at responding to each others messages, bUT ITS MOSTLY YOU BC YOU ALWAYS SAY "oh shit i didnt know you messaged me" HSHDHSH omfg sky you are a mess and we've been trying to talk like normal human beings for the past like two months but we always fail like dysfunctional human beings. but i love you, and i appreciate you a lot. you are really close to my heart, and i just can't thank you enough for being so kind to me and chatting with me. i'm really comfortable with you, and it's weird bc im normally not this comfortable with people i've only talked to for a few weeks. anyways, i love you bitch, pls take good care of yourself.

@jaeminslovr ABBY!!! you are so so so sweet :(. i don't understand how i got sO lucky to have you in my life. you're a fellow gemini venus, and it just warms my cold soul, bc you're so loving and lovable and caring and soft. you knew who i was already and it was sO sWeEt. i hope we talk more so we can get to know each other better :( i love you i love you i love you 💗💗 please let me know if you ever need anything, sweet human.

@pentagonexobts omg :( omg i just love you so much. you're always there for me, and you always check up on me and you're SOOO SO caring. you message me everyday to check up on me and see how i'm doing. you read my lil rants and you just care so much. and i want you to know that i care so much abt you too. it's easy to tell you care abt me, and i appreciate that so much. i finally know your name now HSBDKSJDKS but in all seriousness, i love you. and i'm always here for you if you need anything, just as you have been for me. i appreciate you with all my heart, thank you for being such a good friend to me. truly.

@sopeduo MIA OMG!!! you are so so so cute and adorable. let me just GET THIS OUT OF THE WAY REALLY QUICK!!! i love you, so so so darn much. you're such a good friend, and you're so accepting. you're really funny and although everyone bullies you, i promise to not bully you 😔✊ i mean at least not too much LMAO but in all seriousness,,,,,, i love you. and i still listen to that playlist you made me. it still warms my heart to the core, and i still smile while listening to it. you're so kind, and i wouldn't trade you for anyone else in the world. you're my cute lil name twin :( and i love you to the cheeze and back 😔✊💝💗💓🧀

@seokheaven omg frick you are the love of my life. i love you so so so so so so so so darn much. you make me feel so happy and so loved, and i am so lucky to have you in my life. i will never stop loving you, i will never stop caring for you. you make everything so much easier, and i miss you all the time. i'm clingy and i love you so so so so much baby. you're so understanding, and so caring. you've accepted me through everything and been there through everything. i will continue to love and accept you just as much as you have me. i won't ever leave you, i love you. so so so freaking much. thank you for being the best person out there for me. i love you. just,, so freaking much. 💖💕💘💓💗💝💞💝💗💓💕💘💖 i love waking up to your messages and to all the hearts you send every morning. i truly am the luckiest human to exist.

thank you for sitting through my sappy paragraphs and reading them, if you read them. i love all of you with all my heart. and i want you all to know that i am incredibly lucky to have all of you in my life. if i forgot to add you, i am sO soRrY. i'll probably rb this and add you along to it if i forgot. i was just looking through it in alphabetic order, and you know how tumblr hates me with all its soul :(

but seriously, i love all of you. so damn much. so so so damn much. please know that i'm here for you, whenever you need me. thank you for being so amazing to me, and treating me well.

i am so lucky to have you.

[teachers-are-nerds]

why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

[izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

Now back to the other situation. I have had time to think. I was wrong for sure for not properly expressing my feelings. I actually spoke with my new little friend about it and he gave me some insight and advice. A lot could have went better. For both of us. I definitely need to work on that still. I’ve been doing pretty good lately just not this time, again :/.

I think I’m just scared? Is that the word? Like I’m scared to speak up bc it’ll create a problem or drama. Like he’ll think I’m catching feelings if I speak up or I’m scared he’ll avoid the convo cause he thinks i can’t be an adult. I’m also aware i may be projecting but he wanted avoid the conversation so that didn’t help either. That’s what triggered me a little. I wanted to leave it alone but I couldn’t. And when i expressed that, I didn’t get the response I wanted back. I’m trying to be understanding and say I did say “bye” which triggered him. But what about what triggered me? Why couldn’t the response have been let’s talk about it later when we aren’t riled up? Why couldn’t it have been different, better? A lot of why’s and what if’s. I don’t blame him either. And this is where working on my communication in a polite way comes in. I didn’t give myself the opportunity too and I’m disappointed in myself since I’ve made a lot of progress. Neither did he.

I just wish he understood where i was coming from. it’s not about having expectations it was the lack of communication. We had plans that day. We created a newer bond and spoke everyday for a while and then it went cold turkey. Am i not supposed to feel a way? And he says he forgot the plans but he never forgets and has been thinking abt stocks and looking at stocks all day. I just wish he communicated that. Create the boundary, go ahead, but acknowledge my feelings about it too bro. We’re friends now I understand that. I’ve accepted it. I just thought we were best friends living our best lives.

Can i be honest i also felt it? When he fell asleep i knew it wouldn’t be the same once he woke up. I felt the shift. I can’t explain it. I just lowkey knew he wouldn’t hmu after asking to stay on the ohone while he slept. When I asked that he asked why? I told him bc he stood w me last time for a little, and it was just for a little bot to sleep with him. His response? “That was an accident” An accident my guy? He WANTED to stay. He initiated it. And as i was falling asleep o heard “you falling asleep cutie”, i quickly ignored that. And he restarted the hand thing and kiss. The first time we spoke on the phone again. I was just trying to leave so I just went along with everything. But again part of me knew it’d end up like this again. So I enjoyed the experience. And I’m grateful for the days I got to speak with him in happy moods. To experience bestie him for a little.i hope it was the same for him.

I have a lowkey ptsd from this time last year. I feel like history repeaTed it’s self. i feel defeated as well. I didn’t communicate properly and it ended up with me feeling, not as badly as last year but a similar feeling. And i want nothing to do with that. I deserve to be happy this year.

I don’t know. Again it’s not me catching feelings. I know that. I like the comfortability and convos as a close friend. I can understand being busy but going cold turkey like that w no communication sucked. And of course me not communicating that properly made it suck more. And i can accept responsibilities in that.

More recently, we haven’t talked much about the situation. Or since then. And we probably never will. I mean we “talked” and established boundaries like not talking everyday. I asked if we were good just to see if he was so I wouldn’t drag. Cause there’s still a lot for me. But i don’t want my energy falling on deaf ears with anyone anymore. I’m personally not satisfied and I will have to accept life for what it is. Mostly bc i feel ignored but i could just be projecting. Im not upset about the situation just feel defeated history repeated itself. Another small situation happened... so when I was fighting w my cousin I didn’t a really have anyone else I wanted to call but him. My family doesn’t like that family and would definitely pull up and fight too and i don’t want that. I could’ve hit up my two other friends but they’re older women w kids and it was late on a weekday and they work. So my next bet was my friend but I forgot he was working. I texted him i got into an argument w her and got no text back. I texted right after he texted too. I get it. He’s at work. I gave it a few minutes before I came back to my senses and took care of myself and texted him sorry for involving him. I got no response till the next day in the afternoon. Which is fine. I can understand people have lives but dang man it hurt. Don’t call me a bestie or friend if ya can’t be that. One thing abt me Im there for my friends. Even when I can’t mentally handle it. That’s why I say I’m too nice. And I know my place now.

I’ve decided to keep my distance for good. I don’t want to be close anymore. We can be friends from afar and hit each other up on important dates or if needed. It’s never any beef. I’ll always be there. Just don’t want any drama. This situation really takes me back to this time last year. And it ended the same exact way. Lesson learned. Distance and boundaries creates. The old and best memories will never be forgotten. But it’s time we lay us to rest. Rip

I feel like reading this back to myself again, sounds like I’m super sensitive and making things a big deal. But my peace and mental health come first now. Not anyone else. If I feel uncomfortable somewhere I’m removing myself. And I’ve been doing so good with that. That’s also how you lose people though and it sucks. Not everyone can be understanding, not even a little. Those are other stories for another day though.

I’m asking God to take the situation in his hands and to bring us back to whatever situation we end up in when we’re both ready. Until then I’m staying away from anything that doesn’t make me question myself or them.

[prettysei-remade]

graphic design is my passion actually the last time i made a graphic of any kind was when i was like 10 and i have sadly Not magically improved since then rip;; also dont worry the comic sans is ironic im not that awful......or am i 

hey there angels (instead of demons bc ur not demons ur all angels get it haha), it’s me, ya maknae! this is a very looooooong post so buckle in, my pals

AHEM 

exactly this time last year, i was probably laughing and/or crying at the thought of ever having mutuals here, much less having too many to do a proper follow forever in a rush the day before i post it (rip) so becAUSE i ran out of time and would probably give up in the middle, i decided to just talk abt how much i love everyone in the Stream Team gc and also make a shitty graphic so i could bless ur guys’ new years with ot13 and make it seem like i know what i’m doing :) 

ok im gonna get sappy for a sec and then u can all get to the part u actually care about (the part that’s also sappy but directed at specific people) 

my friends!! my loves!!! the bestest people on the planet!!!!! i love you <3<3 you guys are the sweetest, kindest, most understanding, most hilarious group of friends in the world and i’m so fucking lucky to know all of you. you make me laugh,,you make me cry (in a good way),,,,,you make me like myself when i dont feel like it,,,,im so?? blessed??? to have people to talk to and scream abt kpop with and be myself around. i’m more comfortable with u guys than probably anyone else?? like. even irl because 1) i’ll probably never come out, 2) none of my friends know anything abt kpop, and 3) none of my friends are rlly.....aware of the things my brain tells me about myself sometimes. which brings me to the last thing before i start yelling abt u all in alphabetical order: 

thank you guys for being the Good Brains to help out when my Mean Brain gets too mean. 

💙 

@byungjoo 

laura!! idk if u think abt this as often as i do (probably not) but like,, remember before we were friends and we had that ““discussion”” for abt .2 seconds regarding toppdogg going on the unit and then i thought u hated me for a couple weeks and then we became like the most amazing friends?? well reminding you of that is basically my long roundabout way of saying that our friendship is kind of a miracle to me, and i’m so so thankful that you’ve become someone i can trust with anything and not be judged for it :’) you always know what to say and you always make me feel special when we talk and just?? wow...don’t forget me when you become the biggest bts blog in the world......i saw one of your gifsets that had like 5k+ notes and almost shed a tear i was so proud of u.. i love you and thank u for being amazing all the time!! and for introducing me to twice and gfriend aka the most amazing girls!!! and of course....#laurjoo5ever <3

@gipsydangger 

yo jo (that was lame im sry you deserve better) you havent been in the chat for super long but you’re One Of Us and also 1/2 of the Official Ruby-Got-Me-Into-IZ Squad so lots of love for you!! thank you for singing all star with me in an attempt to cleanse our chat of ******** (im just (all)starring out his name so he doesnt find this post and try to eat my heart again), thank you for being so nice and thoughtful and sweet and all the other amazing things youve been already, thank you for giving iz a shot and somehow becoming a fan in like 5 minutes (???amazing) you!! are a rock star!!! wow!!!!!!

@hjjxxn​

ok alex i know you’re not tec h ni c a l ly in the chat but lets be real;;you’re still my Toppklass Queen ;; ur adorable! ur so kind! u work so hard! ur such a sweetheart! forget toppklass queen, u r the queen of my heart 💖 i cant believe we’re both hojoon stans AND yoongi stans it’s like we were meant to be friends or smth idk?? and you got me into winner and sent me the bEST videos of them holy shit im still laughing abt the one where theyre dancing to ‘hello bitches’ jshdkahds and mino’s duck song,,i cri :’( you have the best taste so i’m vv grateful to know you in the first place and! talking to you is super fun even tho we dont do it often <3<3 ilu <3

@itsachocolatecake 

jess <3 our leader,,mother,,,resident Cutie Pie <3<3 i am so fond of you?? you’re loads and loads of fun to talk with and the chat would be so different without u, i’m not even gonna imagine it!! instead im gonna remember how you always cheer me up right away and help me remember whats good about myself and tell me that i’m not alone and give me great ideas for metaphors involving brains (like mental brains not physical brains)!!! our mutualness (mutualism? mutuality?? idk) goes waaay back, like, relatively, so thank you for following me in the first place bc it means we’re friends now !! love you <3 

@kimsanggyum 

kaliiiiiii!! my wonderful fellow scorpio (AHEM i mean what im not a scorpio who said that i’ll fight them) ur super fun and cute and as soon as you joined u fit right in even tho we’re all kind of weird and now you are One Of Us and it’s kind of hard to believe that you havent been since the beginning?? you’re such a cutie and i love love love talking to you and stuff <3 jdkjsldf dog pics are one of the many ways to my heart and your dog is amazing!!! thank you for sharing!!! you are amazing!!! tell canyon monroe i love him (again) and tell him from me to be nice to laura too,,anyway!! love u lots <3 

@lapillity 

melia. you. are. the. best. my text posts never go noteless bc of you :’) you’re honestly truly just the greatest?? not just bc you like my text posts tho, youre genuinely sweet and suuuuper nice like,,i cant say anything bad about any of the Stream Team tbh but MELIA!!1! you would have to murder a man for a not-justifiable reason for me to say anything bad about you :/ i think you are an Angel and you’re so cute??how are u so cute i dont get it :(( thanks for being my friend and also helping me reject that guy that one time,,without you i definitely would’ve screwed things up tbh so seriously!! thank you and i love you <3<3 

@minty-sugar-kpop 

minty i think i should tell u now that whenever i type “rip” on my phone the next suggested word is always “minty” :’) we’re always screaming abt kpop groups together like!! when clap was released u screamed about seventeen with me!!! when i told u i was getting into twice u screamed about twice with me!! when nothing else is happening u scream about toppdogg with me (and the rest of us)!!!! i love that youre as excited about your fave groups as i am about my fave groups because it helps remind me that it’s NOT weird to be really super extremely dedicated to things that make u happy and i still struggle with that sometimes so.... thanks for being you i guess?? also for getting rid of ******** from our chat with the power of ot13 :’)) love you <3<3<3 

@reallyabananya

kat!! my Superhero!!! the lifegiver for minsung stans everywhere;; i am so grateful for literally everything you’ve ever done in your life but specifically 1) translating every. single. one. of minsung’s often long and very complex posts, 2) being my role model for running an update-esque blog! like!! if kat can do everything she does for her blogs and translate stuff and be so efficient at everything, i can do it for my one tiny little blog!!, 3) working so hard but always being so so sweet to everyone and being so amazingly humble all the time and being somebody i admire not only as a blogger but as a person too <3 (wow that was che e s y lol) im love you!! <3 

@saltygot7 

hi kendall! another scorpio wowie!!! of course i say “another” bc i already mentioned how kali is a scorpio,,it’s not because i’m a scorpio. because i’m not haha. anyway. im sorry i let ******** come between us, i know you didn’t mean to create a demon that would eventually possess both you and your phone and try to eat all of our hearts. i know and i’m sorry and i love you!!! i also know that you still think those asks u sent were hilarious but i forgive you bc i know you love me too <3<3 i can’t believe my Ultimate Bias and the true visual of our group loves me!! wow!!! thanks for all your amazing selfies, they always make me smile :’) you rlly know how to cheer everyone up and get us in a happy mood and just,,,thanks for always being your lovely self! love u lots <3 

@sunshinesanggyun 

bella 💕 i love you, i love you, i love you 💕 idk if you know this or not, but you were actually my first tk mutual <3 i remember when i got the notif that you followed me back and i was so excited because this person!! this person with an amazing blog and who i already thought was super cool!! wanted to follow me!!! i still think it’s amazing that you wanted to be my friend but i can’t really say that i “can’t believe it” anymore because i can;;; you’re my friend and i’m your friend and i love you!! i’ll remind you of that every day if i have to. you’re the other 1/2 of the Official Ruby-Got-Me-Into-IZ Squad (along with jovano) and it makes me so happy that you’re a fan now too!!!! you’re just awesone tbh?? you help me with my shitty stuff and i try my best to help you with your shitty stuff and!! you’re one of my best friends!! i’m so so happy and lucky and blessed and thankful to know you! never forget how much i love you forever 💕💕💕 

@toppdoggzz 

jacqueline;; the awesome aunt that’s super nice and who helps people when they’re sad;;(i can’t remember jess’s exact wording but it was True);;;; you’re so cool and amazing and honestly i find it incredible how you’ve been with bts from the beginning!! is that a weird thing to say as a compliment?? shdfsdhkd sorry but sticking with a group from debut is really admirable, especially because bts didnt start out super big but you stayed with em anyway :’) you’re such a star and you reblog my selfies when i ask you to (btw ur tags on my latest selfies had me cryin;;find someone who will compliment you every day like jacqueline complimented my decent-ish selfies;;) and you’re so great to talk with and yeah!! i love u!!!! 

@zombietwink 

isaiah. i hope u believe me when i say, from the very bottom of my heart: you are the Meme to my Internet Connection, the Cherry to my Bomb, the Chanyeol to my.....You. idk. you take my worst text posts that i make at like 3am and add the best things to them and make them Good and i love our convos in the replies of my posts alsjdsfjjs also can i just say?? i’m still not 100% sure what the whole thing is with like the “kin” meme (i get what it is but i dont rlly Get It u know) but literally any mention of it ever reminds me of you :’) it’s actually astounding how many memes make me think of you tbh..anyway, ur very very cute and soft and nice and youve been mutuals with me for a Long Time so thanks for thinking im cool enough to follow!!! and for still following me!!! love you <3 

wow that took a long time but it was worth it!! tho i honestly wouldn’t blame you if you just skipped everything and only read the little section abt you lmao 

well, happy new year! i hope lots of really good, and happy, and lovely, and wonderful things are waiting for you in 2018 ✨✨✨