#and i MIGHT. probably wont but MIGHT. come back and add something if i feel like i need to

[miifu666]

Hi I’m a big fan of your blog , love how you draw the characters!!

How do you think monkey king and suklha would court each other.

Helloww ♡♡♡

Funny you ask that!!! 😭 i just finished a doodle about that too!

Since Wukong's a hot tempered and unpredictable monkey king with a high self esteem. I like to add a bit of Monkey facts in his behaviour. Ofc besides the fighting the gods to keep his lover i dont think thats normal monke

From what i know, male monkeys usually start the flirting to enter a sort of consortship with the female. So i believe, Wukong despite the virgin that he is. Would be the first one to show interest.

Monkeys usually spend time with their future mate during courtship, so i figured instead of eating and talking to eachother to spend time. Wukong would challenge Suklha during the first few stages of courtship, if Suklha manages to outwit him he would let out these noises thats a mix of excited chirps and amused chuckles. Seeing Suklha managed to beat him in his own challenge is akin to her saying

"oh you're good, but ill try and beat you to show you im capable of being beside you"

even better when Suklha lets him groom her properly, it would take hours upon hours for him to show her that he's a good mate to keep her pretty and light colored hair clean. Suklha sitting down and waiting for him to finish, only to groom him back with her own pinchers is a sign that she accepted Wukong's feelings. (In his head anyway)

This works with Suklha, too. Centipedes spend time with their mates to start the mating ritual. Female centipedes usually release certain pheromones to attract the male interest. Wukong might notice how she has a more enzymatic scent, floral and berry-like, reminding him of the tree peaches in flower fruit mountain. This works with monkeys, although i think they release a certain odour when they want to mate rather than... courtship-

This in turn, makes Wukong more physically affectionate towards Suklha. His hands never leaving her waist whenever they talk to someone, glaring at anyone who dares to come pick her up like some sort of harlot. Wukong would compliment her to make her pay attention to him more whenever they're in public, of course this is Wukong. Hes not that good with compliments-

Suklha : you dimwit! Ive told you before how to do it!

Wukong : It seemed like i was right at first! Why are you getting so mad over! Just because you're decent-looking doesn't mean you can reprimand me however you like!

Suklha : ...?

Wukong , counting his fingers : Smart, quick-witted, courteous! Just because you're all that doesn't mean you can shout at me all you want!!

Suklha : i..

Wukong : AND STOP LOOKING SO GOOD

Suklha : IM BREATHING???

Wukong : WELL YOU LOOK GOOD DOING IT

Lastly, it would be a hard way to recognize but Wukong would speak towards her with a deeper tone of voice than usual. He'd even try to talk to her more calmly than yelling high-pitched like usual.

He'll smile more and probably do anything, yes even kill some demons and yaoguai to get an object of her desire or something that reminds him of her. Like a red jacket he saw in a village near the mountains, he'll snatch it and put it on Suklha without any word. Not even a "here's a new jacket" nope. They're already this deep in the courtship stage, she should understand what he means when he gives her things. He might glare at Suklha whenever he sees her missing the object he's given her, no words, just bites and glares.

All in all, it would be a bit chaotic. Like seeing your two best friends slowly getting together. Especially Suklha who despite showing interest in the courtship, suddenly denied Wukong of her answer after his proposal. Of course, this isn't done out of spite. She knows the consequences of accepting his proposal and she wont let a creature of this world suffer due to her. Suklha is a trickster, but she still has a heart.

[wooahaes]

under the sun [jeonghan]

pairing: non-idol!jeonghan x gn!reader

prompt: darl+ing inspired fic.

word count: 11.5k~

warnings: skinship. food + alcohol mentions. jeonghan denying his feelings a bit. one kiss with dubious consent (reader is drunk and kisses jeonghan) that gets addressed and apologized for.

daisy’s notes: me fighting for my life trying to finish this fic before the end of july

< day 3 || masterlist ||

summary: It all starts when you wake up in a field without a name or any memories to define yourself with. Thirteen men take you in as one of their own, and slowly you begin to wonder what is going on within this world… and between you and one of them.      

Jeonghan worried about you more than he would ever admit out loud. Despite the fact that he knew you were cared for (by everyone, but especially by Chan, who seemed to follow after your every step like a puppy--overjoyed, no doubt, that he was no longer the “new kid” in the group), you were still on the quieter side. It was too early for him to know for sure if you were just a quiet person, like Minghao, or if you were uncomfortable. While Seungcheol led the group well, a watchful eye on everything and any potential problems, Jeonghan was always the one who served as the shoulder to cry on or a listening ear when Seungcheol was too intimidating to approach. Sure, he could tease from time to time--but it was always toward people he knew could handle it (no bad days there) and out of love.

So Jeonghan snuck away after he helped the others wash laundry one morning and found you out in the gardens. There were enough people that your absence wouldn’t be missed if he just happened to steal you away for a little break.

“You look tired,” he said from the foot of the tree you were picking fruit from. “Do you wanna take a break?”

“Chan told me not to,” you said with a concerned frown. “If you need to rest, it’s okay. But Chan said that it just creates more work for the others when--”

“It'll be okay,” he said. “It’s better to rest than to overwork yourself.”

Truthfully, Jeonghan knew you were overworking yourself. Always eager to pick up a task whenever someone needed a favor done, or making sure to put your all into doing chores correctly so that it would be less stress on anyone else. You shouldered the work the same way Seungcheol did without much of a fuss. Maybe that was why Jeonghan worried about you: you seemed to be cut from the same cloth as Seungcheol in certain ways. He wondered if you felt the need to “earn your keep” even though they would have let you stay if you physically couldn’t.

“How many were you supposed to pick?” He nodded up at the ripe peaches just within your reach.

“Enough for all of us.”

“And how many do you have?”

You looked away sheepishly. “Like... maybe twenty.”

“You don’t need to do anymore,” he said. “You did your part. The others can handle the rest. Come take a nap with me.”

“But--”

Jeonghan extended a hand up, “If you get in trouble, I’ll take the blame. You need to rest before you burn yourself out.”

With a sigh, you relented: you’d leave your share inside the church at the very least before going off with him. So he smiled to himself as he watched you search for a safe enough place out of the way to leave your picked fruit, and extended his hand back out to you. When you took it, he merely gave you a reassuring squeeze before heading out toward the river. He’d mapped out nice napping places forever ago, and he was sure every single person in the group (except you, but you’d learn in time) knew where all of them were. On other days, he’d bring a blanket with him. Maybe next time he stole you away, he would--or maybe the two of you could hide out in the attic, cozy on that bed underneath the sun window. It was usually a pretty good spot to nap, especially since everyone tried to clean that room first when they were on cleaning duty. Less people to disturb Jeonghan’s rest.

Yet he didn’t want to nap anymore when he was lying out in the grass. You had sat down next to him, still sitting up and watching the river pass by. If you looked close enough, you could see the occasional fish. The river always felt so clear most of the time, and yet occasionally you’d see one darting through the water--almost like the universe was taunting you.

“Are you adjusting well?” Jeonghan asked, finally sitting up after a few minutes of just watching you silently sit there. “You can tell me if you’re having a tough time. A lot of people do, to begin with.”

You looked up, uncertainty etched into every feature. “I’m fine,” you said, and Jeonghan could tell it was a lie. “I mean... I’m adjusting. It’s just taking some getting used to, that’s all.”

He frowned. Despite the way you seemed to get along with the youngest three in the group, Jeonghan noticed that you still seemed a little quiet around the others. Soonyoung you’d cuddle with during some nights (usually because he wanted you close by--he liked cuddling and you seemed happy to let him snuggle in), but the others... Jeonghan had kept an eye on and an ear open for any concerns. Joshua had outright told him that he was worried you might change your mind about staying--something he and Seungcheol had talked about one night.

Which Jeonghan understood. Seungcheol had told him you wondered if there were other people out there. Jeonghan had questioned it, too, before Seungcheol told him that he hadn’t seen anyone else. He wanted to leave, too. That was before they found Joshua. Truth be told, Jeonghan still wanted to go--only when it was getting too late for him to think straight. He’d made peace with that urge long ago, yet it still scratched at the back of his mind, begging to be let back in.

Would you go with him if he asked? Jeonghan pushed the thought away. No point in thinking about things like that when he had a group to help care for, you included.

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked quietly. “I know I can’t relate to being uncomfortable, but I’m happy to help if I can.”

He watched you breathe in slowly, eyes fluttering shut for a moment. He could practically see the way you were weighing your options: open up to Jeonghan, or shoulder the problems longer on your own. Is that why Seungcheol seemed so attached to you sometimes? Because you were a little like him? Even though the reasons differed, both of you seemed to carry the weight of your problems alone despite there being others there ready to help lighten the load.

“I dunno,” you finally said after a slow exhale. “It’s not that I don’t like being here with you all, it’s just...”

“Just?” Jeonghan prompted. You can tell me.

Another deep breath. “I just feel like I’m intruding on something. Chan and Hansol and Seungkwan always try to stick by me--Chan more than the others--but... I dunno. Sometimes it feels like I’m not fully 'one of you’ now. Especially since I couldn’t remember my name on my own.”

Jeonghan frowned. Jihoon had pointed out the pale gray lettering in the collar of your shirt that day--it felt right to say it to you. Maybe it was a mistake, but Jeonghan didn’t want you to go by a name that wasn’t fully yours longer than you had to. Everyone else had hated it--some more than others--and there had been relief in getting that key part of themself back. Was it wrong to tell it to you instead of letting you remember? Would you even remember without his prompting?

“It’s dumb,” you traced a finger through the small patch of dirt, “but... I think all of you are close enough already. Even Chan seems to be a part of the group more than I am, you know? Chan can go off with you or Hansol or whoever and fit right in. I’m just... here.”

“You don’t think we like you?”

“It’s not that--” You looked up. “I just don’t feel like I fit in. Sometimes you guys tell stories that I like listening to, but I can’t help but feel left out of a joke. I don’t want that to stop you guys from reminiscing, I just... I wish I knew how to make memories with you guys without feeling like I’m forcing myself where I don’t belong.”

Jeonghan had already begun formulating plans in his head. He wasn’t going to force the group together, but... Sometimes they’d get together for things. Maybe he could push the others to put something together, an open invitation for everyone to be a part of it. Just to be together as a group again. Hansol had that old projector that he liked to set up sometimes to watch old films with them--maybe Jeonghan could bring that up over dinner one day just to put the idea out there.

If you weren’t feeling like part of the group, then Jeonghan was sure he would fix that. If Seungcheol was right and the fourteen of you were all that’s left, you needed to stay together. Seungcheol had enough on his plate. Jeonghan could handle this.

He laid a hand over your own. “You do belong here if that’s where you want to be.” He looked you in the eyes, “Do you want to be here?”

You nodded. “I think so.”

“Then it’s okay,” he said. “You’re still new. Just give it a little more time.”

You smiled at him after a moment, more genuine than the nervous ones you’d given him before. “Thank you, Jeonghan. I feel a little better.”

“If you ever need to talk, you can talk to me,” he said. “I’ll take care of you.”

Jeonghan found Minghao working in a corner, painting a little tree onto the landscape. He sat down beside him, watching him work slowly but happily. Despite the fact that Minghao got along great with everyone else, the guy liked to have his moments alone--and Jeonghan had, admittedly, given him that. Minghao had been painting alone for the past hour, and Jeonghan would give him space again if that’s what he wanted.

“Minghao,” he said, voice soft enough to keep the conversation between them. Mingyu and Seokmin were working on dinner that day. “Do you remember when you used to guide us through meditation?”

He nodded, not looking up. “It’s been a few weeks.”

“Would you like to do it again?” Jeonghan watched as Minghao added a little red apple into the tree. “I think it really helped us before.”

“Did it?” He looked up just for a moment. “Some of you fell asleep.”

Soonyoung had, and so did Seungcheol. Admittedly the two that Jeonghan fully expected to last time--it was a few days before Chan’s one-month celebration and Seungcheol had been a bit tense about the whole thing, which meant Soonyoung was going to get tense because he wanted it to be good as well. Jeonghan knew the tension would come again in a week when your celebration was closer.

“Because it helped,” Jeonghan insisted. “If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. It looked like you enjoyed it last time.”

Minghao nodded along, brows furrowed slightly as he thought it over. “I’ll see if anyone’s interested.”

“Ask Mouse,” Jeonghan said. “They might be interested in meditation.”

Minghao nodded. “I will,” he said. “Did they say something?”

Jeonghan shook his head. “Just trying to make sure they’re included.”

A soft chuckle. An eye roll. Jeonghan almost definitely knew what he was thinking: team mom Jeonghan was back. He had a track record of doting on the other members and making sure they were being cared for.

“I’ll talk to them,” Minghao said after a moment. “I don’t know if they’ll be interested.”

Sure enough, you were. Jeonghan had agreed to be there when Minghao had gathered them in the church a few days later. While not everyone was partaking (a few of them were working on getting things prepared for dinner later, opting to prioritize prep-work over meditation), Jeonghan was happy with the turnout. The chairs had been stacked and put away, Jeonghan sitting in the back as he watched Minghao slowly weave in-between the different people lying on the floor--you included. Minghao stopped near you at one point, not pausing in his speech at all as he crouched down and gently moved you into a more comfortable position.

The air grew quieter for a moment. “Better?” Minghao whispered to you.

You merely nodded, and then Minghao continued on, calmly speaking in that same even tone of voice. He stepped over where he’d just positioned your arm a little further out without any sign of annoyance at his own decision, continuing to slowly walk between the different people. He paused as he looked at Jeonghan, giving a tiny nod to the others. It’s not too late to join them.

Jeonghan merely raised a hand to signal that he was fine. He didn’t need any meditation. You needed the group activity. Maybe Jeonghan could talk him into doing another yoga day sometime--that had been fun to watch last time. This worked, too, though. When Minghao’s back was turned, he saw the way you opened your eyes just for a moment--meeting gazes with Mingyu--and then smiled at him. It was something small, but it was a little connection that was being strengthened through shared experience. That was what Jeonghan had wanted.

Jeonghan noticed the way Seungkwan was about to head outside until he saw the scene before him. Minghao had given him a pointed look--everyone knew that he was going to do meditation today, and Seungkwan was one of the ones who hadn’t felt up to it. Jeonghan quickly rose to his feet, making his way to the edge of the room and gesturing for him to come over--avoiding anyone sprawled out a little too close to the walls. With an open hand, Jeonghan kept his arm outstretched for Seungkwan to make his way over, gently guiding him out of the church. He quietly shut the door behind him, standing out in the warm summer air with him for a moment.

Seungkwan had already been mid-apology when Jeonghan asked if he wanted to go for a walk with him. Just down to the river, where they could walk together for a bit. By the time they’d get back, Minghao’s meditation session would be over. So Seungkwan nodded, agreed, and walked a step behind him as the two went together for a while.

“Have you come up with anything new with Seokmin and Soonyoung?” Jeonghan asked at one point, hands tucked into his pants pockets. Sometimes the three came up with their own little songs and dances that they’d show off after bringing everyone together. It was nice and always a fun time.

Seungkwan looked up, humming in acknowledgement before thinking the question over. “There’s something we’ve been doing,” he admit.

“Jihoon’s still working on things,” he said. “I think Hansol has, too. Maybe we should have another music night.”

Seungkwan lit up at the suggestion. “Why now?”

“Why not?” Jeonghan continued along, hands still lazily hanging from his pockets with each slow step. “They’re fun. Jihoon’s comfortable showing Mouse his music, even though it’s not done.”

None of it ever is. Not the songs Hansol worked on in his spare time, not the songs the trio worked on: nothing was ever finished. Jeonghan had heard Jun mutter a lyric that he later heard from Minghao. When he asked, neither of them knew the song--they both said the same excuse that it was probably something they knew in their old life. They made things work, though: Soonyoung had been the one who proposed Jihoon share his songs with the others an eternity ago.

(”Maybe we might know part of it, if it’s a song someone else wrote...” )

It’d been a while, though, since the last one. Sure, they shared music with one another during Chan’s celebration, but before then... Jeonghan was sure that the last night they had dedicated to it was a week before Chan showed up.

Seungkwan hummed to himself softly as he thought, brows set in tight concentration as he weighed the options (to do or to not: the only options he had) against one another. When Jeonghan said he’d talk to Seungcheol about getting it set up, Seungkwan slowly nodded, as that must have helped tip his decision over.

“Okay,” he said. “But you have to help set up.”

Jeonghan laughed warmly, throwing an arm around Seungkwan’s shoulders. “I will,” he promised. “You just get the others together. We’ll figure out plans once I distract them.”

Seungkwan accepted that and, once the two returned to the now-finished meditation session, already went off to get Seokmin and Joshua to go find Jihoon. Jeonghan saw the way you lit up as you talked to Minghao about something, and he casually slipped into the conversation to see if maybe he could push you toward Minghao. If nothing came of it, then fine, but at least it meant that maybe the two of you would grow closer as people in general. He’d been talking about meditation and ways to find peace.

“Like with your paintings,” Jeonghan had casually said, an arm curling around you.

Minghao nodded. “Right. Painting helps, too.”

“Why don’t you show them your work?” Jeonghan gently nudged you forward. “Maybe they’ll take up painting, too...”

Minghao raised his brows, and Jeonghan was sure that if you hadn’t been watching him, he would have mouthed a ‘What are you doing?’ to him.

But you’d grown a little more excited, “Oh! I’d love to hear about them, actually,” you then grew a little more sheepish, most likely over remembering the fact that you and Minghao weren’t exactly the closest so far. “If... that’s okay, I mean.”

Jeonghan could see the way Minghao lit up, though, and he happily obliged. Which meant that you had that cute twinkle in your eyes again, and Jeonghan found himself smiling as the two of you went off--Minghao taking your hand as he guided you down into the passage leading back to the main room, just to secure you. He’d heard your happy giggle as you went, and he let out a quiet sigh.

As long as you were happy... then Jeonghan would be, too.

Music nights were common enough occurrences, for the most part. They already knew how to set up the church to make things look nice: the stage set with a microphone and the acoustic guitars, chairs lined up in rows (some of them with designated seats, as if it’s their own little VIP preserved seating, with those little plush animals to designate each person). Seokmin roped Mingyu and Jun into helping with making snacks for this, and Jeonghan can hear Joshua and Jihoon as they check over everything to make sure tonight will be ready. Jeonghan, on the other hand, was focused on the seating arrangements. Sure, they could sit anywhere... But he’d quietly picked up the tiger-striped hamster that’d been sitting in a chair next to a mouse, and set the otter from the end of the row next to it instead. He hadn’t noticed anything sparking between you and Minghao, but you and Chan...

Well. He left his rabbit plush on your other side. Just to ensure that you’d be able to enjoy yourself tonight, and to play wingman for Chan. The guy probably needed a little help considering how flustered he’d get with you.

People began to filter in once Seungkwan gave word that everything was prepared. There was a loose enough schedule for tonight, starting with Seungkwan performing something he’d been working on with Seokmin and Soonyoung, followed by either Jihoon or Hansol performing whatever they’d been writing lately. From there, they’d play it by ear: plenty of the others had things to share. Dances they’d choreographed, songs they’d grown better at playing... And Jeonghan would stand by, watching as people took their seats. He noticed the way Chan lit up upon realizing he’d be next to you, and he’d already warmly greeted you with that love-struck look on his face that everyone else seemed to notice except you.

Jeonghan settled in on the other side of you, and didn’t fail to notice the tiny way you shifted a little closer to him. He chalked it up to the fact you seemed to be drifting toward him a lot more lately, probably because he’d been trying to include you in things more. It was a guaranteed space where you felt loved and appreciated. That was all he’d let it be, at least.

Wonwoo had been asked to essentially emcee the beginning of the night, and he’d been the one to introduce Soon-Seok-Seung (which... in Jeonghan’s opinion, still felt off, but maybe a smidge better than the previous ‘Soon-Seok-Kwan’) in a song they’d been working on. Which made Jeonghan realize something: you, despite hearing Jihoon and Joshua sing, had no idea how talented all of them were. Music was something that unified all of them, and Jeonghan wasn’t afraid to say that all of them were pretty talented at it.

“Are you going to do something?” He’d whispered to you as Chan went to prepare for his own performance.

You shook your head. “I don’t think I’m as good as you guys.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, and when you nodded, he decided he wouldn’t push. “That’s fine,” he said. “You can stay here and enjoy the others’ performances with me, then.” 

Of course, this wouldn’t ring true for too long. Once the night devolved into singing other songs they’d found on records and whatnot, Joshua had pulled him into a duet. Jeonghan had tried to dodge it--he’d already told you he’d stay with you, after all--but Joshua had taunted him a bit and it’d been enough to get him up to sing. He’d do one song and then go back to you (although now that he saw the way Chan was holding your hand, the two of you happily snuggled together... maybe he’d stay up a little longer).

He kicked himself a little for noticing the way you lit up when you heard him sing, and for the way it made his heart flutter a little. He already liked you from the first day you came, but this only endeared you to him further. But if anyone asked if he felt anything over the fact that Chan was so lovingly holding onto you, he’d deny it. Not while Chan clearly felt something for you. Not while other people did, too.

Instead, he settled for pulling you into the next group song that they’d begun singing at the top of their lungs. Although your voice was far quieter than the others, he could hear you underneath the cacophony of chaos around him. Every lowly sung syllable hit his ears, alongside the warm sound of your laughter at the others dancing goofily, throwing themselves fully into enjoying this song. Soonyoung had turned, seeing you, and Jeonghan recognized the twinkle in his eyes.

So with a light shove, he pushed you toward Soonyoung, who’d extended a hand to you. You’d shot him a look over your shoulder, but Soonyoung happily swept you away into dancing with him instead. The way you laughed would stick with Jeonghan for the rest of the night, leaving him with a warm sense of joy over another job well done. You’d fallen asleep in Soonyoung’s arms that night, giggling as he and Seokmin continued to pepper kisses onto your skin, saying something about teaching you one of their dances sometimes.

When Jeonghan woke up the next morning, he realized how much you looked like you belonged there. You always did, in his eyes, but now... It truly felt like you were one of them in every way, happily curled up and completely at peace in a way he hadn’t seen before. You were finding your home with them.

Jeonghan smiled to himself at the thought.

A few days later, Jeonghan had called out to you as you lounged around the common area, a book you’d borrowed from Wonwoo in your hands. You held it to your chest as you made your way over to where he was packing wrapped meals into a bag alongside Jun and Joshua, and he’d already begun to fill you in: the three of them were going on a little picnic outside today. The weather wasn’t too hot, and they’d been wanting to go out for a while now...

“Do you want to join us?” He asked. He nodded toward the other two, “It was their idea.”

(Jeonghan, unfortunately, did not notice the look Jun and Joshua shared behind his back--which said to you that Jeonghan had just outright lied to you.)

“Are you sure?” You glanced over to Joshua, who’d continued to pack extra food into the bag. “I don’t want to bother you guys--”

“You aren’t!” Jun piped up immediately, making his way over. “We’d be glad to have you, if you want to come.”

With the extra support, you agreed to come along. The blanket had been handed to you to carry along, and you followed along behind them as they talked casually. Joshua and Jun seemed to head the charge, while Jeonghan lingered behind, just to stay in step with you. He’d waved casually enough to Soonyoung, who had lit up with realization that the five of you were going off for some sort of picnic, and darted off while calling out to Jihoon. Maybe you should have realized then and there that this wasn’t going to be limited to the four of you. While Joshua had found a cozy place for the four of you to eat, it’d barely been maybe twenty minutes at the most before you heard Soonyoung yelling for you all.

And where there was Soonyoung, there was the rest of the group. He’d found you five with ease and took off running, carrying a bag and a blanket in his own arms.

“What if we wanted to come?!” He huffed at Jeonghan more than Joshua or Jun, who’d giggled at how pouty the man had become.

Jeonghan had smiled, shoulder bumping against yours as he shifted into a more comfortable sitting position. “We didn’t say you couldn’t--”

“You didn’t tell us where you were going,” Chan whined as he made his way over, already taking up the empty space next to you. “That makes it look like you guys wanted to be alone.”

Jeonghan had rolled his eyes, making a comment that they found you all, didn’t they? Soon enough, everyone had joined all of you, blankets spread out and the conversation flying as you all ate yet another meal together. It was something you truly began to appreciate during your time living with them: breakfast and dinner together always felt like a way to center you all. It brought you all together, and it reminded you that you were cared for. Even now, Jun casually fed you a piece of fruit when he saw you eyeing it in the spread he’d set out, too far for you to reach casually since it was settled between himself and Joshua. There were plenty of dinners where he did the same for you, or he served you extra rice to make sure you were eating well... It was sweet to see. Jeonghan would wordlessly move the fruit closer to you after a moment, continuing on in his conversation without a care.

Eventually, the remnants of this meal was set aside to be carried back in when all of you decided to head in for the day. While you had been happy to sit with Jeonghan on your picnic blanket, the others had brought along other things to do. Mingyu had pulled out a ball to kick around with the others, already bringing up a game they must have played before you came--which had fired up Seungkwan immediately when he claimed that the last victory was a fluke. You watched as part of the group broke off and into two teams, taking the ball off to a more spacious area to hopefully avoid disrupting the rest of you. Wonwoo had decided to pass on the game this time, though (although not without Mingyu pouting at him for abandoning their team). You had pulled out the book that Wonwoo had given you, and you noticed the subtle way his eyes lit up with joy when he saw you’d brought it along, and he made a small comment that you should tell him how you like it eventually.

Jeonghan had been watching Seungcheol with the others when he spoke up a while later, mind seemingly elsewhere this entire time. “You know,” he said, “we almost left this once.”

You turned to him. “You... almost left?”

As if on cue, Joshua had been making his way over to rest for a few minutes, settling in on the other side of you. “Yeah,” he said. “Before Jun came, actually. It was... a really, really big fight we had with Seungcheol.”

Jeonghan nodded along, not quite looking at you past a tiny glance before he continued to watch Seungcheol. “When I first woke up here, Seungcheol hated how I kept asking questions all the time. He’d already accepted a lot of things as fact. But I didn’t know them, so I would ask.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And when I asked him why we don’t move on, he asked me why we should leave when we have everything here? And... I thought he was right.”

“And then I came along,” Joshua said, “and I asked a lot of the same questions--even after I saw Jeonghan end up with a fever because he’d asked too many. Whenever Cheol wasn’t around, we’d keep talking about things. Wondering what else was out there, why we’re staying here when there could be people out there.”

Jeonghan continued the story from there, “We agreed on a lot of it. And one day, I think we were both tired of never getting answers. So I looked at him, and I said, ‘Shua, let’s leave together.’ And he looked at me, and said ‘Jeonghan, let’s leave.’“

Even recounting the story now... Jeonghan felt an odd sense of familiarity with those words. As though they weren’t exact, but they were close enough to invoke a feeling that had long since been sleeping in his soul.

“So why didn’t you?” You leaned forward a little, trying to gauge anything from his face.

And with uncanny timing, Jeonghan and Joshua spoke together: “Cheol.”

Joshua shifted in his spot. “We went to Cheol, and we told him we were going to leave. And... I don’t remember who started crying first. It was one of us,” he leaned to where he could see Jeonghan,  “because Cheol didn’t cry until after--although he definitely looked like he was going to at any moment--”

“It was me,” Jeonghan openly admitted, voice a little softer while did so. Not out of shame, from what you could tell. Jeonghan never seemed ashamed of his emotions. “But you cried after I broke.”

“Neither of us wanted to leave, but... I don’t know. We kept questioning it, and it felt like we were trapped here without real answers.” Joshua’s gaze settled on Seungcheol, who’d nearly run into Mingyu while chasing the ball. “And then Seungcheol started crying because we were all he had.”

“We were all any of us had,” Jeonghan tugged at the grass, pulling up loose strands. “But if I had left with Shua, then he wouldn’t have had anyone. He opened up to us after that, actually. He tried to leave a few times before I came along. He’d pack a bag, and walk, and eventually end up coming back here in the end because it was the safer place to be.” He looked up, “So when he kept saying he didn’t think anyone was out there... He meant it.”

“Would you leave?” You asked, curling up a little tighter in your spot. “Now, I mean.”

Joshua didn’t hesitate, “No. You’ve never seen the city, Mouse. I think we’re really all that’s left now.”

And Jeonghan said nothing, only nodding along as he didn’t meet your eyes.

Joshua popped up from his spot. “You wanna play?” He nodded, offering a hand to you. “I think I’m gonna join back in.”

You shook your head. “I’m happy here with Hannie,” you said. “But thanks, Shua.”

“Keep this stuff to yourself, by the way,” Joshua said as he stretched in place. “We’ve never really told the others about it. We didn’t want anyone to think we’d take off one day.”

With the secured promise that you wouldn’t tell, Joshua ruffled your hair and returned to the game, running in to try and steal the ball from someone else. Jeonghan, however, remained quiet. You turned, watching him as he merely continued to watch the game, his gaze always returning to Seungcheol. And now with Joshua back in, he’d glance his way sometime, too, and linger a little too long...

“Jeonghan?” You said quietly, and he looked up with a hum. “Would... you leave?”

He shook his head. “This is home,” he said. “I don’t think I could leave it for anything now. Like Joshua said... If you’d seen the city, you’d know.”

“Then... Can I?”

“No.” He paused, realizing how harsh he had sounded with that serious edge to his voice. “Not now, I mean. Maybe next time Seungcheol takes some of us to scavenge. It’s okay,” he said, sliding a little closer to you. “Chan hasn’t seen it, either, and I think Hansol hasn’t, too... It’s a hard truth to swallow. You should enjoy not knowing while you can.”

“But I want to see it,” you frowned. “I just... I need to see it for myself.”

Ignorance is bliss, Jeonghan wanted to tell you. But he didn’t, because he knew the truth: ignorance was something that could swallow a person whole after a while. It was something that made you turn to someone you love wholeheartedly, and say Let’s leave together. Those words still rung in his head even now, the weight of them and a decision that wasn’t seen through resting on his shoulders. Sometimes he wondered what would have happened if he and Joshua had just... left. Would they have come back? Would Seungcheol even accept them back if they did? Or would the betrayal have been too much for even him, so determined to keep this group of people banded together that he took on his position in a direct attempt to make things easier for the rest?

Even weirder, those words haunted his dreams in this strange sense that he had said something similar to them. Had he? Jeonghan was sure that he said those exact words to Joshua, too. Maybe that was why they were so close now, soulmates of a different variety but soulmates nonetheless. They must have met in a past life and come together again, as if drawn to one another.

If Joshua was a soulmate to him, then Jeonghan felt as though he had more than one. Call it him being sentimental for the twelve--now thirteen, with you--people that he lived with, but sometimes he felt as though life brought them all together for a reason. There had to be a reason why they all seemed to fit together in this puzzle, as though they were always meant to be with each other. Jeonghan wondered where you fit in. He still felt complete with you there, yet it felt... different. Seeing you for the first time was a far different feeling than when he found Chan. There was no subtle sense of recognition that he felt in his soul, just.. peace. He felt at peace when you came. How peculiar.

“Mouse?” Jeonghan said quietly, waiting until you turned to him again. “Please... don’t leave us.”

It was vulnerable in a way you didn’t expect, based on the way that you looked at him--all wide-eyed and brows raising at his words. Yet you reached over, resting your hand over his, curling your fingers around it. That, too, made him feel at peace.

“I won’t.”

Jeonghan found himself drifting. Not in the sense that he used to, back before even Jun had joined the group. He was drifting closer to you, as if there were this invisible pull that always brought him to you even when he was wandering aimlessly. Sometimes he wondered if the two of you were tied together with a little red string that neither of you could see, always bringing you to one another. At first, Jeonghan thought it was his own worries that made him find you and try to pull you into the group. Now, he was sure it was becoming something else: something he wasn’t quite ready to face. Something he was less willing to name, too...

So he turned his attention to the fact that this was well into your third week of living with them. Next week meant hard work to get everything ready to celebrate you coming into their lives. Which, in Jeonghan’s eyes, meant that now was the time to take things a little easier. The weather was hot outside, and that meant it was the perfect time to not push themselves, but enjoy life a little more. He woke up early just to greet Seungcheol, wordlessly setting a cup of tea before him with one of those little cherry desserts Seokmin had made the day before.

“What?” Seungcheol looked up, already knowing that Jeonghan wanted something. This was the way most people tried to butter Seungcheol up, after all... because Jeonghan had started it.

He merely smiled, resting his head in one hand. “You’ve been stressed lately.”

“Just ask already.”

Where was the fun in that? Jeonghan chuckled, “I was thinking that we could take today and go to the lake together. As a family.”

It earned a tiny snort from Seungcheol: while they were a family, Seungcheol knew as anyone else did that throwing it around now was just meant to sway him further. “Jeonghan...”

“Just one day,” he pushed. “All of us deserve a day off. We can always afford it, you know.”

Seungcheol wiped away crumbs from the corner of his mouth, chewing slowly as he thought it over. Then he met Jeonghan’s eyes again. “You’re still worried about Mouse.”

Well, shit, that was... too spot-on.

“You shouldn’t be,” he said, looking back to the little dessert in his hand. “You’ve already done a lot for them.” Then he paused, gaze lifting to meet Jeonghan’s, “Unless... they said something to you?”

“A few weeks ago they said--”

“I meant recently.”

Jeonghan frowned. Couldn’t he just dote on you without it being this big thing? He always doted on people. Why would you be any different? “I just want to make sure they feel included here. They were right: people tend to pair off neatly. Chan always keeps them involved, but what about the rest of us?”

“We’ve been getting better about it,” Seungcheol said. “Are you worried about them not staying? They already made their decision.”

“I know, but...” He sighed. “I did the same, and Joshua and I almost--”

“They’re different,” Seungcheol interrupted. “Jeonghan. You can be honest with me.” He set aside the remaining piece of the dessert, fully turning to face his friend. “I’ve seen the way you look at them sometimes,” he lowered his voice, “as more than a friend.”

Jeonghan swore his mouth went dry within seconds. Shit. “I don’t feel that way about them,” he lied. “I just want them to be happy here--”

“It’s not a bad thing,” Seungcheol stood up, picking up the empty cup and plate. “You should be honest with yourself.”

“I am,” Jeonghan followed after him. “I love them like I love everyone else.” That was his job, in a way. Seungcheol was the leader of this group, Jeonghan was the heart. Joshua was a balance of them both. The three of them worked together to help lead--the same way Soonyoung and Jihoon could step up without hesitation when they needed to. Jeonghan always saw his job as being the one who openly loved and embraced people now, just to help things feel more like home.

Seungcheol looked up. “You pushed them toward Minghao when he brought everyone willing into a meditation session. And you did it again with Soonyoung, when he invited them to dance during our music night. You practically shoved them toward him,” he crossed his arms. “If you’re falling in love with them, then accept it, because I think they’re starting to fall for you, too.”

“They aren’t.”

Seungcheol sighed, shaking his head as he walked past. “If you’re going to reject them because you don’t feel the same, then do that. But don’t lie to yourself and pretend you don’t feel anything for them.” He paused for a moment, looking back, “start getting our bags ready. I’ll come help once I tell the others where we’re going.”

Jeonghan lit up with joy, planting a tiny kiss against his friend’s cheek before taking off--laughing at when Seungcheol groaned and told him to knock it off with the affection right after when he got his way (a teasing statement, surely: Jeonghan wasn’t afraid of skinship with Seungcheol in the slightest). Seungcheol eventually joined him alongside the others, filling bags with spare clothes and everything they would need to go off for a day and enjoy the lake. He smiled to himself when he saw you with Chan, packing your own bag as he excitedly talked about the last time they took a trip out to the lake. He’d been dunked under the water that time... a few times too many... but it was still a nice trip he’d enjoyed. He’d already warned you that some people would get competitive, since he already saw that Soonyoung was packing a ball to toss around. 

If you’re falling in love with them, accept it. Jeonghan stopped what he was doing, repeating the words again and again. Was he falling in love with you? It was one thing to think that you would ever fall for him when he merely showered you in affection to make you feel more at home... But what about him? He liked you. He knew that he did. But love? Could he even love a person after knowing them for a few weeks? Maybe that was the part that made him hesitate so much. He felt a sense of love for you, but that was entirely different from capital-L Love. There was something different in what he felt for you, sure, but...

The thought hung with him far longer than he meant for it to. Jeonghan wasn’t jealous. Except... he felt something when Soonyoung threw an arm around your shoulders, pulling you in tight on the walk to the lake. He felt that same annoyed something when Joshua looked him in the eyes and pressed a lingering kiss into your hair, smiling at him knowingly. He felt it again and again when Mingyu was too affectionate, when Chan held your hand...

Oh. Fuck. Jeonghan shut his eyes, head falling back lightly against the tree he’d been sitting against. “You might be right.”

Seungcheol hummed, looking up. “About?”

“You know what.”

And then he let out a soft chuckle. “I know.”

The day of your celebration arrived quicker than he expected, and Jeonghan felt... antsier than he usually did on these days. There was always this shared sense of anticipation when these days came, this nervous energy filling the room as they prepared to celebrate either the decision to stay, or the decision to keep staying. When he hit his two year mark, postponing the celebration the same as Seungcheol did so that they could celebrate it with Joshua... he remembered staring at himself with this realization that this was it for him. That the day he and Joshua  looked at each other and decided to leave was long since gone. Sometimes he felt this tiny desire to go out and look for real, to know for sure that they were the only ones left in the world, but he’d learned to live with it. Maybe one day, if things changed, they’d all leave together. The idea of leaving (whether that be alone or with Joshua or with you, if you would have him...) lost its appeal over time. This, Jeonghan had decided, was home. The people here were home.

You, too, were home. Jeonghan had become certain of that over the past few weeks. Seungcheol had said as much in his usual speech, too.

The celebration slipped through the night like sand through Jeonghan’s fingers, gone all too soon. He’d committed the lines of your face into his memory, the way you smiled, the sound of your laughter... Every evidence of joy, Jeonghan wanted to remember. Even though he, like everyone else, didn’t remember what came before all of this... He could still make new memories. He could memorize the way the light danced in your eyes, the way the last rays of sunlight kissed your skin as it peeked through the curtains. The way his lips lingered on your cheek as he planted a kiss onto you, the same as everyone else did, for what felt like a few seconds too long. He’d commit the warm way his chest felt like it was glowing to memory, too: that was because of you. That much he was certain of. Who else had come along and made him feel like he was filled with sunlight so easily?

With almost everyone in bed, Jeonghan found himself enjoying the quiet that often followed big nights like these. He’d made himself a cup of tea, already making mental notes of who he would have to check on come morning. Chan had drank a lot alongside you tonight, so that already marked down two, and he was pretty sure Seokmin and Soonyoung did, too (Soonyoung was the one who kept leaning forward to kiss your cheek, even happier to do so once he was met with your happy giggles)... He was sure that he’d end up on clean-up duty with Seungcheol and Jihoon to get a head start on sweeping up petals and scrubbing at dried paint, while the others slept in a bit more before getting some sort of breakfast together.

“Hannie?”

He looked up from where he’d been standing in the kitchen, right in front of the sink so he could wash his mug and go straight to bed, to see you lingering in the doorway. You looked exhausted, and he felt his heart soften at the sight of you.

“You’re still up,” you rubbed at your eyes, mindful of the streaks of paint on your skin--a result of the others breaking out the paints alongside markers. Slowly, you made your way over to him, stopping just a few steps away. “Are you okay?”

The slight slur to your voice only made him worry a little. Had you gotten back up because he wasn’t in bed yet...? “I’m okay,” he said. “I thought you were going to cuddle with Seokmin--”

“Why do you do that?” You cut him off there, brows drawing together. “Why... Why do you keep pushing me away and toward Channie and the others?”

That was... one way to put it, maybe. “I’m not pushing you away--”

“You are!” You frowned, and then repeated a quieter “You are... I don’t understand what I did to make you not like me.”

“I do like you.” He set aside his mug, taking the few small steps he needed to be in front of you. Jeonghan gently took your face into his hands, your eyes snapping up to meet his, “Mouse... I care about everyone here. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I don’t.”

“So why,” you curled your fingers around his hands to pull them from your face, yet you didn’t let go, “don’t you want me around? I wanna... I wanna be around you, Hannie. Just you sometimes.” You squeezed his hands. “I... I think I love you...”

“You don’t love me like that,” he said quietly, “it’s okay, Mouse--”

In a rash moment of needing to prove him wrong, you leaned in, kissing him without a second thought. Jeonghan didn’t think at first, either, as he kissed you back as his soul had been so deeply craving to do so, eyes fluttering shut. Yet reason kicked in quickly, and he realized you weren’t sober right now. He pushed you back by the shoulders, hands lingering there as he searched for the right words to say. He saw the way your confidence seemed to dwindle down and extinguish out, leaving a smoky version of the you he loved in its place.

“We can’t,” was what he said. Not like this refused to go past his tongue, uncertainty squeezing in his chest. Did you even want to actually kiss him? Or were you just drunk and affectionate in the way Soonyoung was? Why couldn’t he just... believe that you loved him as much as he wanted to?

Your eyes began to water, and your name died on his lips as you pulled away, already babbling off an apology for bothering him. Although you tried to get away, Jeonghan stopped you.

“It’s okay,” he tried to say, hand loosely curled around your wrist, “you don’t need to apologize--”

All at once, the dam broke, and you began to cry more. Your words were muffled as you buried your face in your hands, but Jeonghan could make out the apologies you kept spilling, saying something about how you loved everyone there but you had started loving him more. That kissing him was bad and you hoped he didn’t hate you...

“Jeonghan?” Seungcheol called out as he came in, fully awake in a way that made Jeonghan’s heart lurch. Shit, was he listening? Did he see what happened? His gaze flitted over to check on you, and then he met Jeonghan’s eyes again, “Are they okay? What happened?”

Jeonghan wasn’t sure what to say. “They’re just overwhelmed,” he lied, trying to spare you any embarrassment. “I think they drank too much.”

It was clear on Seungcheol’s face that he didn’t believe any of it. “I’ll get them to bed,” he said, “and then we can talk. Alright?”

Jeonghan sighed, nodding as he leaned back against the counter. He watched as Seungcheol gently wrapped an arm around you, speaking in a low voice about how Seokmin was still waiting for you--and that he could help cheer you up. He played into the lie, though, saying not to worry about chores come morning, that you could sleep in with the others who drank a little too much, too. The room fell silent soon enough, and Jeonghan shut his eyes. When did all of this become so complicated? He felt like other people would be upset or mad that you had impulsively kissed him like that, yet... Jeonghan couldn’t be angry with you. Not when he grew weak and kissed you back because loving you and being loved in return was the one thing he wanted more than anything else.

The quiet footsteps signaled Seungcheol’s return, and Jeonghan lifted his head to watch his friend as he grew closer with each step. 

“Joshua and Seokmin are taking care of them,” he said, slowing to a stop a few steps away. “I told them the lie you told me.”

Jeonghan let out a sigh. “I can’t get anything past you.”

“You can,” a tiny smile tugged at the corners of Seungcheol’s mouth, “just not this.” He crossed his arms, leaning against the counter, “So? You can talk to me.”

Normally, Jeonghan might try to weasel his way out of these conversations. Seungcheol dealt with enough as it was, and he wasn’t fond of adding onto that weight. But he merely looked up. “They kissed me. And I pushed them away because they’re drunk.” After kissing them back, a voice piped up in the back of his head, you greedy--

“But that’s not all,” Seungcheol spoke up, drowning out that little voice before it could go any further. “Jeonghan, I... I didn’t hear everything they said. If something’s wrong, I need to know.”

“They said that I keep pushing them away,” Jeonghan hugged himself. “And that they think I don’t like them.”

“But you do.” Seungcheol let out a quiet sigh. “Jeonghan--”

“They’re not wrong,” he said. “I have been pushing them toward other people because I do like them. If I stop spending so much time with them, these feelings will go away.”

“Do you want them to?”

Jeonghan decided enough was enough. He turned, fully facing Seungcheol. “Tell me you’ll be okay.”

“What?”

“I know how you feel about them,” Jeonghan said. “The reason I’ve been trying to push them away is because I feel like I’ll betray you if I actually let something happen between us. You love them, Cheol. So do I. So does Chan, and I think Joshua and Hansol do, a little, too.” He curled his fingers into his arm, digging them in to ground himself. “The others I know will be okay, because we’ve talked. But will you actually be okay, or are you going to just say it because you always put the rest of us first?”

Seungcheol said nothing as he watched Jeonghan, brows drawing together as his words sank in. “Jeonghan--”

“If you say no, I’ll wait until we’re all ready to take this step.” Jeonghan took a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “This isn’t just something that affects them and I. It affects all of us. Things are going to change,” he drifted a step back, bumping into the counter as he leaned against it once more. “So I want to know everyone’s ready to deal with that.”

Seungcheol slowly nodded after a moment. “Jeonghan...” His eyes met Jeonghan’s a moment later. “I wouldn’t stop you--”

“That isn’t what I want to know.” Because I know that, Jeonghan watched him for a moment. I know you’d never stop any of us.

Another slow nod. “I promise,” he said in a low voice, just to keep it between the two of them, “I’ll be okay.” His voice returned to its normal volume a second later, “We’re all adults here. I want them to be happy. If they’re with you, then I know they will be.”

Jeonghan chuckled warmly at the thought. “Just with me?”

“You know that I mean,” Seungcheol rolled his eyes. “Really... Sometimes I feel like we’re immature about these things.”

Jeonghan shook his head. “I just needed to hear you say it.” If he heard Seungcheol say it, then he could fully let himself believe it. He could then finally let go and let himself fall fully, embracing the sweetness of a love reciprocated with everything he had.

“So...” Seungcheol grew closer, his shoulder almost bumping into Jeonghan’s now. “You fell for them.”

He nodded. “At first I just liked stealing them away to have a napping buddy during chores, but... I don’t know. They’re sweet,” he shrugged, “and at some point, I realized I was falling for them.”

“Is that why you pushed them away?” Seungcheol watched him. “Or were you trying to matchmake them with Chan?”

Another warm laugh bubbled up from Jeonghan. “Both. Before Minghao organized the meditation session, I actually pushed them toward Chan. But it’s a little obvious they only see him as a friend.”

Seungcheol nodded along. “And you said you talked to him?”

“He got mad and said he’s an adult who can handle this kind of thing,” Jeonghan said. “And maybe that if I didn’t treat them right, then he was going to try and steal them.”

“That’s true of all of us,” his shoulder bumped against Jeonghan’s, the two chuckling at the thought. “Do you think... in another life... we’d even be having this discussion?”

Jeonghan lifted his gaze to meet Seungcheol’s, brows furrowing as he mulled over his words for a moment. “What?”

Seungcheol opened his mouth to speak again, but stopped, shaking his head. “Never mind. It’s nothing.”

“It’s not. Talk to me.”

Seungcheol pushed off. “Maybe another time,” he said, walking off, only to stop and look back to Jeonghan. “Take care of them,” he said, “I know you will, but... I just need to hear you say it.”

Jeonghan smiled a little. “I will,” he promised.

Whether you were avoiding Jeonghan or if Jeonghan was avoiding you, you weren’t sure anymore. For the past few days, you’d been trying to avoid him. The morning after your celebration, you woke up with a killer headache and the sickening memory of the fact you’d kissed Jeonghan. When you tried to apologize to him, he merely ruffled your hair and said that it was fine before making sure you were feeling alright. The laid back nature of that talk was enough to make you decide to keep to yourself, your worries that he was hiding how he felt were running rampant. When you tried to ask Seungcheol about it, he merely told you to give Jeonghan a little space--only confirming the idea that you fucked up, to be honest--and talk to him about how you felt when you felt the time was right.

“I just don’t want to ruin things between us,” you told Chan one day, long after chores were done, while you were resting on your stomach as you watched him search through the games that were downstairs. Seungkwan and Hansol would join the two of you soon enough, but you’d rather keep this conversation between you and Chan. You already knew what they’d say: Hansol would tell you that you should talk to Jeonghan about how you felt, and Seungkwan would call you silly for worrying so much.

“You won’t.”

“But how do you know that?” You sat up, pouting at him. Yet when Chan didn’t meet your eyes, realization struck. “Wait. He said something?”

He turned, wide-eyed that you’d guessed. “No--”

“Channie,” you got up, making your way over to sit next to him. “Is he mad at me? Just tell me if he’s mad at me. I’ll apologize again if he is--”

“He’s not mad at you.”

Despite the relief that statement brought you, you still felt as though something was off. You watched as Chan looked through the games again, although it felt like he wasn’t quiet looking now that you were seeing him closer. Like he was just distracting himself. “... Channie?”

“I...” He paused, and then turned to you. “I like you.” He said quietly. “And I know you don’t like me the same way. But I do, and I still want to be your friend,” he paused for a second, gauging your reaction, “so if that changes your mind about hanging out today, then that’s okay.” He paused, “I just... I wanted to tell you for once.”

Your gaze softened. “Oh. Chan...” You reached for his hands, taking a deep breath as you let everything sink in. “Thank you for telling me. I... I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way, but I do love having you as my best friend.”

That made his eyes light up. “Your... best friend?”

“Yeah!” You beamed, squeezing his hands. “You’re my best friend here, Channie. You’ve been here for me since the beginning. I really do appreciate you being honest with me, and... and if you need time to deal with this, then that’s okay. You can just tell me when. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re my best friend and that I still love you.” 

His eyes were twinkling, and he turned away for a moment, “Really... I didn’t think you’d be so...” He trailed off, “but I still love you, too. I’m glad you’re my best friend, too.”

The two of you grew closer as Chan wrapped you in his arms, squeezing tight. You smiled, hugging him back happily. If he needed the time to get over his crush on you, you could give him that as long as it still meant he’d be your friend in the end.

“Am... I interrupting something?” Joshua called out from the entrance to the room. “I can go if I am--”

“No!” Chan called out, pulling away from you. “No, we’re just--We talked. It’s nothing serious, just--” His cheeks were growing redder. “Do you need something?”

“Hansol said you guys were going to play games,” he made his way over. “Have you picked one yet?”

Chan shook his head. “We got distracted talking...”

“Great!” Joshua sat down. “There’s actually this card game I wanted to show you.” He turned to you, “Mouse, can you go get the deck from upstairs? Seungkwan likes it more.” 

You furrowed your brows. “What?”

Joshua gestured vaguely in the shape of a stacked deck of cards, “There’s this cute deck of cards that’s upstairs. We brought it back from our last trip into the city. They’ve got flowers on one side and the stripes on the other with the suit and numbers and stuff. I wanna use that deck,” he said. “Please?”

Chan looked between the two of you. “Um... I can go get it--”

“Mouse needs to know what it looks like,” Joshua pushed a little more, “in case we ever lose it. Just so they know what we’d be looking for.”

“You aren’t making any sense--”

You stood up anyway. “It’s with the other games, right?”

Joshua lit up immediately. “Yes! You can’t miss it. It’ll stand out, trust me.”

Although you swore you heard the sound of Joshua smacking Chan’s arm as you walked away, you continued on your little quest without much thought. The trek from the room you’d been in up to the church wasn’t too bad, although you’d always hate scaling the ladder into the attic. Was it really so vital that you get this one deck of cards? There were a few downstairs, and you thought that deck was down there anyway because Seokmin had used it for a game with a few of the others--you included. But maybe there was a second one you weren’t aware of.

The moment you could see into the attic, you realized what Joshua had been doing. “Jeonghan?”

He made his way to you quickly, helping you into the attic. “Hi.”

“I was supposed to--”

“That was a lie,” Jeonghan said quickly. “Joshua said he’d find a way to get you up here.” He took a few steps back, not bothering to try and hide the dinner that was sitting on a blanket he’d spread out on the floor. “Can we talk?”

You nodded, although you looked down at everything he’d spread out. “How did you--”

“Shua.” Jeonghan slowly sat down, patting the empty spot near him. “He helped with all of this, actually. I asked him to.”

After a moment of hesitation, you sat down and faced him. One way or another, the two of you hadn’t spoken all that much in the past few days... and now Jeonghan had prepared dinner for the two of you, likely to have alone. You might not have seen through Joshua’s not-so-subtle ruse to get you up here until now that you were thinking about it more, but you were definitely able to put two and two together now that the only person you needed to focus on was Jeonghan.

“So you...?”

“I love you.” He said it out loud, unafraid to finally let himself say it. How long had he fought against it? How many times had he pushed it away while trying to think of your own happiness by pushing you toward everyone else...? “And I denied it because I thought you’d be happier with someone else. I’m not sorry that I pushed you away that night, but I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner.”

Truthfully, you couldn’t blame him for pushing you away: you were drunk. Even though you wanted to kiss him now... You didn’t like the idea that your first kiss with him was like that. “Jeonghan... I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“You were drunk,” he said, “you weren’t thinking. And... I kissed you back at first, too.”

“That’s still not an excuse,” you quickly said. “I crossed a line. I shouldn’t have done it--”

Jeonghan nodded. “Right. So let’s let it be in the past now,” he said. “And... Talk about us and what comes next.”

What comes next... The idea made your face grow warmer, heart beating a little quicker than before. Jeonghan wanted something to come next, and so did you... That meant a lot to hear out loud, to be honest. “So.. You love me?”

He nodded. “I... I think I do. At first, I thought I just wanted to help you feel more included here. I wanted you to be happy. And... I don’t know--I think I realized it at some point and decided that your happiness came first in more ways than usual.”

“Do you normally put everyone else first?” You frowned a little. You understood it would happen sometimes but...

He sheepishly nodded. “I’m used to it. Seungcheol and Joshua do it, too. We watch over everyone together. That’s... That’s our role, I think.”

“So....” You toyed with a loose string on your sleeve, not quite meeting his gaze now. “You were pushing me toward other people?”

Another nod, although he seemed a little more factual this time around. Like it was something he just needed to admit and move past. “I was. I decided I would do anything to make you happy, even if it meant watching you love someone else.”

“Was I not obvious enough?” You asked quietly. “I mean... I always ran off with you whenever you asked. I spent a lot of time with you--I went to everything that you arranged because you were involved.”

“Not for the others?” He raised a brow.

“For them, too,” you said. “I just... I knew you were doing it for me. So I’d go and be a part of things so that your effort wasn’t wasted. I liked being a part of the group, but I liked seeing you happy.”

“Well...” Jeonghan shifted so that he’d be sitting a little closer to you. “Then that’s something we have in common,” he smiled. “I like seeing you happy, too.”

You had a feeling you knew what was coming next. So you moved a little closer. “Hannie?” You felt your face grow warmer. “Can... Can we have a do-over on that whole ‘first kiss’ thing?”

He chuckled warmly, reaching up to brush a strand of hair from your face. “So you want to kiss me again?”

“You’re such a dork,” you sighed blissfully, “yes, I want to kiss your stupidly handsome face again. For real this time.”

He chuckled. “As you wish.”

Jeonghan leaned in, letting you close that distance between the two of you as your lips captured his in a gentle kiss. The first time you kissed him, it had been impulsive, and something he’d leaned into out of a need to be closer to you. Yet this time that need was far softer, far gentler than it had been before. It was as though letting himself love you wholeheartedly made him feel safer in taking things slower, in kissing you far gentler the way he thought all first kisses with someone so beloved to him should be (not that there was anyone else on the same level as you). He cupped your face, eyes fluttering shut as he felt you smile into this kiss.

When he drew back, he saw the way your confidence seemed to burn brighter in you. You pulled him back in for another quick kiss, as if it was your way of having the last word. He’d let you have it this time (but next time? He’d fight a little more, just to leave you breathless and to tease you further). This time, he just wanted to admire you, hand still cupping your face as he ran his thumb along your cheek.

“Things are going to change between all of us,” he said gently. “Are you ready for that?”

You thought, for a moment, that hearing it would have brought this sense of dread. The two of you would have to face everyone at some point and announce that your relationship had changed, and that did mean the dynamics among the group would shift a little, too. Yet with Jeonghan saying it to you... You felt ready. If you faced everyone with him by your side, hand-in-hand, you would be fine.

“I am,” you said after a moment. “Are you?”

And he smiled, leaning in for another kiss. “As long as I have you, I will be.” He knew deep down that he could face anything as long as he had everyone together, especially if he had you right beside him. His lips ghosted over yours for a moment. He drew back, quietly saying your name. “Let’s stay together.”

After a moment, you nodded, taking his hands in your own. “Let’s stay,” you said, taking his hands in your own. He weaved his fingers with your own, holding on tight. “Together.”

general taglist: @twancingyunhao​ @wonuziex​ @synthetickitsune​​ @gyulbabie​​

under the sun taglist: @shiningstar-byulxx​ @twogyuu​ @strawberri-uyu​ @bbmyungho​ @thedeeppoet​ @heeseung-lover686​  @bfwonu​ @fifty-shades-of-mischeif​ @blackwhiteandshadesofgradient​ @dreamhannies​ @yourfavoritefreakyhan​  @amethyistheart​ @jeonnyread​  @nap-of-a-starr​ @anidolcalledaoife​ @vernxnsfool​

[nicepersondisorder]

anyway since i remembered what i wanted to say. beware the rant of the (new)barista under readmore

so. we have new types of coffee in the coffee shop and some of them are straight up Weird. like who the fuck came up with americano with coconut butter. like what the fuck is that. it's called "americano bulletproof". the only thing thats bulletproof is a bulletproof guarantee that you'll end up shitting your guts out after that drink💀 or like. cappuccino snickers that tastes Nothing like snickers???? fucking peanut raf tastes more like snickers than snickers cappuccino 😭

also recently someone came in and ordered a raf Only with cream. as a cream-intolerant person that order terrified me. thankfully we're not allowed to spend so much cream so that woman just got a regular raf. get fucked lmao

and also people ask for americano with milk????? isnt the whole purpose of americano - to be on water???? like. if you wanted some milk to your espresso you couldve just ordered cappuccino or latte or even flat white if you wanted a stronger coffee taste. americano with milk is an abomination and i judge everyone who orders it. get a better taste or dont drink coffee at all (<- im becoming a coffee snob /hj)

anyway im a big fan of cappuccino with "peanut in caramel" syrup. it has a really nice smell and a pretty strong but nice&sweet taste. to me. we usually add around 25ml of syrup in the medium sized cups but i personally like to add like. 35-40 ml of peanut in caramel syrup bc i habe a sweet tooth and sometimes im too lazy to add sugar lmao. my second favorite is peanut raf. it has peanut butter in it >:D

[sydsaint]

Drink Prime Baby!!!!

Summary: Logan realizes that he might have a hopeless crush on his manager at the worst possible time. Five minutes before his triple-threat match on Mania weekend.

The alarm on your phone blares from it's spot leaning up against your vanity mirror. 'Mania Time' flashes across the screen in bold letters, reminding you that it's almost time to head out and meet up with Logan.

You finish curling your hair and switch off the curler before grabbing the hairspray and dousing your hair so every curl stays neatly in place. "There." You smile at yourself in the mirror. "Okay. I can clean this up later. Logan is probably waiting for me." You push all of your vanity supplies away from you and silence your alarm.

You pocket away your phone and grab your security badge off the back of the chair before heading to the door. You exit the ladies changing room and head off to find Logan backstage.

After weaving through the hectic backstage are for a while, you spot Logan's business partner and friend, JJ ahead. You quicken your pace and head over to him.

"JJ, hey! Any idea where Logan is at?" You walk up to JJ and greet him.

JJ turns around and flashes a friendly smile at you. "YN, hey. Damn, you're looking nice." He comments on your done-up appearance.

"Well it is Mania weekend." You giggle and flip your hair playfully. "You're looking all done up and nice as well. No prime costume for you this year?" You tease him playfully.

"Logan's got someone else for that this year." JJ chuckles. "And speaking of Logan. There he is now." He nods behind you.

You turn around and spot Logan as he comes into the room looking ready to go. You smile at him and wait for him to head over to you and JJ.

"Logan! There you are, champ! How are you feeling about tonight?" You ask him.

"YN!" Logan reaches your side and gazes down at you, a soft expression plastered on his face.

JJ watches his friend greet you with a larger than life smile. He's known Logan for a long time now, and he doesn't think he's ever seen that twinkle in Logan's eyes before. It's a bit odd to watch.

"Of course I'm ready!" Logan nods at you with a confident smile. "Wow, you look great, by the way." He adds in a genuine tone, his voice fluxuating a tad.

"Thanks, Logan." You grin back at him with a slight flush to your cheeks. "Now remember what we discussed, alright? Let Randy and Kevin do all the heavy lifting. They might be acting like friends right now. But that wont last long." You remind him, switching over to work mode for a moment.

Logan nods. "I got it." He assures you with a smile. "You aint worried about me? Are you YN?" He teases you jokingly. "You going to hang out back here with JJ?" He adds. "Offer still stands to come hang out with me and my new Prime guy."

"Yeah! I'll see you on the other side, YN!" Logan matches your energy before strutting over to the curtain.

"I'm alright." You shake your head. "And no. I'm not worried about you. You've got this. As always." You assure him. "Go get 'em tiger! You got this!" You pat his shoulder and offer one last confidence-boosting smile.

Your hand lingers on Logans arm for a second longer than needed. JJ takes notice of this and raises his eyebrows slightly.

JJ watches silently as Logan disappears through the curtain. He stands for a moment and watches Logan's entrance on the monitors before he turns to you.

"How long have you and Logan been working together, YN?" JJ asks you curiously.

You turn away from the monitors to answer JJ's question with a small shrug. "Umm, almost a year I think." You answer him.

"Right. You too are so close! It seems like longer." JJ chuckles. "The two of you make a good team." He adds.

"Thanks!" You beam. "I try my best. But to be honest, Logan does most of the work." You joke.

JJ laughs again and nods. The two of you go back to watching the match on the monitors for a while. You move through a whole mixed-bag of emotions during Logan's match. Something that JJ can't help but pick up on.

"You dating anyone right now, YN?" JJ asks you seemingly out of the blue.

"What? Umm, no. Not at the moment." You turn to JJ with a surprised look on your face. "Why? You trying to hit on me, JJ?" You joke with a quirked brow.

JJ rolls his eyes playfully and shakes his head. "I was just curious." He insists before turning back to the monitors.

"Okay." You nod and do the same.

You and JJ watch the rest of Logan's match. Logan ends up picking up the win and you jump for joy! JJ laughs to himself as he realizes something. His best friend has a thing for you. And you might just feel the same way.

Logan comes through the curtain a few minutes later pouring sweat with his title belt slung over his shoulder. "You won!" You rush over to him in excitement. "I knew you could do it, Logan!" You dive in for a hug but Logan puts a hand out and stops you.

"Woah there!" Logan stops you from making contact with him. "Easy now, YN. I am covered in sweat right now." He points to himself. "You come any closer and you're going to be soaked as well. And you look way to nice right now to be messing that up." He chuckles.

"Right." You laugh at yourself and drop your outstretched arms back to your sides. "We at least have to take a picture to commemorate this moment." You retrieve your phone from your pocket.

Logan nods in agreement and leans down to your level so you can snap a picture with him. You take the photo and go to post it on your socials while Logan walks over to JJ to chat for a minute.

The best friends and business partners greet one-another and shake hands.

"Congrats, man." JJ greets his friend with a proud smile. "How you feeling right about now?" He asks Logan.

"I'm great, man!" Logan chuckles. "Riding that high after that win, man!"

JJ nods and glances over at you on your phone a few feet away. He turns back to Logan and decides that he's got to give his friend a little push in the right direction.

"It sure would be the icing on the cake if you finally got around to bagging the girl too, huh?" He asks Logan, nodding toward you at the same time.

"The girl?" Logan replies in confusion. "What? Who? ....YN?" He turns around to you still typing away on your phone.

You look up from your phone at the mention of your name and look over at Logan and JJ. "Yeah?" You put your phone away and turn your attention to the pair. "What's up you two?" You ask them.

"Nothing." Logan replies sharply. "JJ's just giving me a hard time is all." He adds jokingly.

"Alright." You nod. "They want us for the media scrum after the show, by the way." You add, turning back to Logan. "Do you want to go cool off before they need us?" You ask him.

Logan nods and adjusts the title on his shoulder. "Yeah, that'd be good. You want to hold onto this for me?" He takes the title off his shoulder and offers it to you. "I'd rather you hold onto it than let JJ get his grubby hands on it." He jokes.

"Sure." You giggle and take the belt.

JJ and Logan head back to the locker rooms and you hang around backstage and wait for them to come back. While waiting you secure Logans title around your waist while game-planning some PR stuff for later.

Back in the locker room JJ confronts Logan while he's cooling off and getting changed.

"Logan, man. About earlier. I didn't mean anything about the whole YN thing." He tries to clean things up the best he can. "Its just...we've been friends for a while man. And I don't think I've ever seen you look at a girl like you look at her."

Logan bows his head, gaze casted to the floor and an awkward silence falls over the room. JJ sits silently and waits for Logan to answer him.

It takes Logan a couple of minutes, but he does eventually come up with an answer to JJ's accusation. "I don't know man..." Logan rubs the back of his neck. "YN...she's great. Pretty and super smart. And so good at what she does." He smiles to himself. "I don't think I'd even be a champion right now without her."

JJ laughs and pats Logan on the arm. "It sounds to me like you've got it bad buddy." He chuckles. "So why haven't you told her how you feel?"

"I don't know man." Logan sighs. "I guess because I don't know if she feels the same." He admits. "I don't want to lose her. I can't do this job without her at my side." His gaze drops to the floor again.

JJ can't help but laugh again. It's like something out of one of those cheesey romance movies his girlfriend is always dragging him to see. Logan looks up and frowns at him when he starts laughing and JJ has to take a minute to compose himself.

"What's so funny?" Logan huffs at JJ.

"Nothing man." JJ wipes a fake tear from his eye. "Logan, man. She's into you. Trust me on that, mate." He assures Logan.

Logan bites the inside of his cheek and shakes his head, unsure if JJ is messing with him or not. "Are you sure?" He asks JJ. "You really think that I should tell her how I feel?"

"Yes!" JJ hops to his feet. "Come on! Put a shirt on! Then wipe that pathetically nervous look off your face, head outside, and go kiss your manager!" He hypes Logan up.

"Okay okay!" Logan chuckles and does as he's told.

JJ stands back and walks his pep-talk at work. Logan throws his shirt on and strides out of the room in search of you. Logan weaves his way through the backstage area with JJ hot on his heels. He finally spots you hanging out in almost the same spot he left you in earlier. You are leaned against the wall casually and typing on your phone. Logan's title belt is secured neatly around your waist as you wait for him to come back.

"Holy shit." Logan freezes up when he gets a glimpse of you with his title, all his confidence suddenly gone from his body.

JJ comes up behind Logan and sets a hand on his shoulder. "You got this man." He assures Logan before giving him a small shove forward.

Logan stumbles forward and swallows hard. He stumbles over a few words before coming up to you with an awkward, "Hey, YN."

"Hmm?" You look up from your phone. "Oh, there you are! And you look nice and fresh now!" You grin and playfully reach up to ruffle Logan's fluffy hair.

"Yeah." Loga chuckles nervously. "You make one hell of a champion, you know that?" He adds, gesturing down to his title.

You giggle and blush a bit before moving to hand it back to Logan. But he stops you before you can reach back and undo the latch. "YN, there's something that I need to tell you." He explains.

"Okay." You nod, arms dropping back to your sides. "What's up? You look nervous." You recognize the uncharacteristic look of nervousness on Logan's face.

Logan rubs the back of his neck again as he tries to search for the right words to say. "I know that we've been working together for almost a year now. And you've been the best manager that I could has asked for." He smiles at you. "But the truth is...I don't know if I can go on acting like that's all you are to me anymore."

Your heart skips a beat as Logan reaches dow ad grabs your hand tentatively. You've been keeping a hapless crush on your favorite blond media star for so long now. And he here is, confessing that he feels the same way that you do about him.

It's like a dream come true. And you aren't sure what to do.

You lock eyes with Logan, breath caught in your throat. Neither of you are willing to move a muscle, both of you too scared to make a move.

"Will you just kiss the poor sap already, YN!" JJ shouts from across the room and a smile cracks on your face. You take JJ's advice and grab a fistful of Logan's shirt before yanking him down to your level.

You crash your lips to Logan's and feel him smile against your lips. His hands snake around your waist and slide up your back before pulling you into him as close as he can. JJ cheers playfully for the two of you, and a couple of bystanders chime in playfully.

You break away from Logan once your lungs start to burn from lack of oxygen. You let go of his shirt and wrap your arms around his neck breathlessly.

"This doesn't mean that you're done being m manager, right?" Logan asks you playfully.

"Not a chance." You giggle. "I'm your ride or die now, Logan Paul." You grin and lean up for another kiss.

Logan happily kisses you again, gentler this time. "That makes me one lucky son-of-a-bitch." He grins.

[taintedtort]

prompt ✧ who’s the lalalalalala vs okokokokok

characters ✧ xiao, wanderer, venti, childe, albedo

warnings ✧ gn!reader, none!

a/n ✧ stolen from tiktok + these are all kinda obvious but i liked the idea anyway (not proofread and idec abt typos or anything)

XIAO

✧ okokokokok

he’s ready to listen to you talk all day long. nothing is more soothing to him than your voice. whenever he’s away from you, he longs to finally be done with his daily duties so he can come back and listen to you ramble about your day while you play with this fingers. wont take his eyes off you while you speak, he wants you to know he’s paying attention and enjoys listening to you. he might not add much input, but he’s nodding along.

"tell me more about what you did today."

WANDERER

✧ okokokokok

he’s content with listening to you talk as long as he gets to lay down, preferably on you. if you talk with your hands a lot, he may hold them so you don’t wack him in the face if he’s resting his head in your lap. if you absentmindedly run your fingers through his hair while rambling, he‘ll melt. if you do that, he‘ll probably fall asleep. you’re not boring him, promise, you’re just too comfortable.

"keep talking, i’m not asleep i swear."

VENTI

✧ lalalalala

he can get a little hyper and start ranting on and on about things, especially if he’s drunk. sometimes he’ll just tell you stories about things he’s seen in his past, usually before bed, like a bedtime story. he‘ll also sing you to sleep if you ask him to. he doesn’t let silence overtake you two, always finding something to talk about. he’s also very lively while he speaks, his face letting you know every emotion he’s feeling while his hands exaggerate his words.

"may i tell you a story?"

CHILDE

✧ lalalalala

don’t get me wrong, he loves hearing you speak, and i think if you’re also more of a lalalala person, you two would just have deep conversations all the time. if not, then don’t worry! he can find something to talk about and entertain you for a bit. he likes talking before sleeping, those before bed talks are the best. waits the whole day to tell you what happened when he went out just so he can tell you before bed. most of the time one of you ends up falling asleep mid story.

"let me tell you what happened today—"

ALBEDO

✧ okokokok

he‘s fine with silence, so he doesn’t feel a need to fill it… or so he thought. when he’s huddled up in his cave working alone for hours on end and finally hears your voice calling out his name, he swear he gets butterflies. when you sit and ramble to him, you sometimes think you’re being too talkative and annoying because of his lack of interest. he’s fully absorbed in his project, tuning you out. well… that’s what it seemed, but he was listening to every word you said and making mental notes. when you abruptly stopped talking, he turned his head to you after a few seconds.

"what’s wrong? you were telling a story, please continue."

[nicxxx5]

why mike wheeler is autistic

these are some of my thoughts on why i think mike wheeler is autistic. 

he has narrow special interests (dnd, science, writing)

he only has a couple of friends, also with the same interests as him (it is common that autistic people have a difficult time making friends)

he hates change (he didn’t like the addition of max into the group without being made aware of it first, instead of using highschool as an opportunity to be someone else like lucas did he went back to doing things that brought him comfort like dnd, he’s always the first to notice when something is off with will (him missing/being possessed))

he is very logical (dustin and lucas ask why they can’t just let his mom deal with el when they find her in s1 and mike reasons that they’ll get caught for sneaking out so they have to handle it themselves, he rationalizes most of the plans in the party (in s3 when lucas says they win if they get the mindflayer out of billy mike reminds him that they wont because it didn’t work with will, jonathan thinks he’s ridiculous for wanting to go to suzie for help in s4 but mike reasons that she is the smartest person they know)) he also doesn’t budge much on his thoughts when it comes to this

he has a difficult time with his emotions (he mixed up romantic and platonic feelings with el, he also didn’t know how to properly confront her about this when he realized), he becomes overly emotional often (when he realized hopper knew el was alive the whole time and he got angry and broke down)

he is a people pleaser (he cares a lot for his friends, especially will and el, which is why in s4 he kept pretending he was in love with el because it’s what he thought she wanted, and why he hid how will leaving affected him because he didn’t want to make their friendship awkward with his newly realized feelings)

he’s not bound to societies standards (to a degree) (why he continues to play dnd even though he gets made fun of and why the upside down wasn’t a difficult concept for him to grasp because to him it made sense easily) 

he misses sarcasm (s4 at suzie’s house)

he misses double meanings to things (his conversations with lucas in s3 about el, he took most of what he said literally)

he is very blunt (often he is quick to tell things how it is even if someone gets upset with him)

i did this pretty late at night and kinda on a whim so it’s probably not my best. let me know what you think or any ideas you have and i might add them to it!

[sh0tanzz]

idt it’s just me but I’ve been hearing hearsay that Anton has been super hard to read recently bcs of heartbreak. I actually asked one of non briize irl friends to do a reading for him and she’s felt his energy be closed off and heartbroken since February. Whether it’s romantic heartbreak is smth else but apparently there’s a high chance it could be? And could have apparently had a A LOT to do with his dating scandal and “New Jersey girlfriend” back home. How do you feel about his energy rn?

based on his current transits alone Anton is more than likely going through a time of transformation and changes within his life that are turbulent and in a way exhausting

more under the cut

pluto is aspecting his ascendant, venus and mars

his sense of self and how he showcases himself to the world, overall aesthetics, relationships and dynamics…as well as his drive motivation and desires for this moment of his life are changing most likely for the better

are all these changes -bad- necessarily..probably not all bad but change can be very uncomfortable or scary especially when it’s unprecedented or not calculated within your own boundaries . and this doesn’t mean that Anton is generally unhappy or displeased with life but there could be significant changes happening.

neptune is squaring his midheaven..he might feel worried or insecure about how his private life or personal issues might affect his career or image so it could possibly be about the scandal from back at that time

his moon is aspecting jupiter AND chiron..there are big deep feelings emerging and coming to the surface he has to sit with them privately to make sure they don’t spill out and bleed onto his work and outside dynamics. but it will be VERY beneficial for him to feel them out and release them

luckily his sun is sextile saturn which sounds like it would add an overbearing weight of responsibility but it’s rather giving him discipline and a sense of stability to work through this without it affecting his outside life

he might possibly be dealing with a power struggle atm between with who..im not sure yet..it could even be between him and himself

im not sure if it exactly has to do with the scandal from some time back i'd have to look back at transits from then (I probably wont bc its clear this is something he'd want private)

all I’ll say is that for readers especially tarot readers at this time if you attempt to do readings on anton be very considerate of his energy AND his energy’s consent and if it feels like you’re not getting let in or that you’re hitting a wall it’d be best to back away until you feel his energy is opened

[heartsforjngwn]

enhypen spending time with s/o n the dorms 🫶🫶

[ ✧.* ] . . . SPENDING TIME IN THE DORMS. ENHYPEN MEMBERS

wc: 520 | warnings: mentions of food! lmk if i should add more 🫶 | note: my first ask ackk 😭 tysm anon for this and i hope u like it 🥹💕 btw tysm to @yenlsv for helping me out with ideas for the hyung line lysm bestie 🫶

HEESEUNG — one thing about hee is he gives off comforting energy (all of them do tho) movies and cuddles are def he and s/o’s bonding. they would probably watch a super cheesy romcom or a super sad and heartbreaking movie. i feel like chocolates and ice cream will be their go-to snack during their hang outs while s/o is wearing hee’s shirt.

JAY — they will def cook or jay will attempt to teach s/o how to cook. of course, accidents are avoided given that jay is there. but when jay leaves s/o alone for a bit to go to the bathroom or something, he might come back to their dorm’s kitchen in a horrible mess.. jay gives up in teaching s/o but lets be honest, he probably loves her still the same (might be even more than before)

JAKE — i feel like its the same with hee tbh. instead of a super cheesy romcom tho, he and s/o might watch a “kids” movie. like disney binge watching or just their childhood movies. rio might be their go-to or aladdin. i feel like their snacks would be candy, preferably sour. they’ll laugh at each other’s facial reactions randomly as the movie goes because of the sour taste of the candies.

SUNGHOON — feeling like sunghoon and s/o would be binge watching a series. mean girls and legally blonde are def both of their faves. they might argue on which to watch first but they end up on deciding through rock paper scissors. honestly, chips would be their best friend during all of their binge watching life episodes. cheese dust on their fingers are their worst enemy and one of the other would probably lick their fingers while the other would wipe it in a tissue.

SUNOO — for some reason every time i think about sunoo i always think ice cream, skincare, and hair. s/o and sunoo would have a mini salon in the room and sunoo would attempt to cut s/o’s hair to curtain bangs or dora bangs while having a big bowl of ice cream on the table. after their failure of being a barber, they just end up experimenting with sunoo’s skincare because why not.

JUNGWON — you cannot convince me that jungwon and s/o wouldn’t sit together in the living room while wearing each other’s sweater, just cuddling and scrolling on their phones or something. something also tells me they would attempt to bake or cook but unlike jay, they end up in getting the cake/dish burnt. of course they wont give up and try again but like the first one.. it end up horribly wrong.

RIKI — idk bout yall but he def plays genshin. s/o would use a super op healer or buffer like bennett or kokomi and just support and watch him solo the boss with an op dps character like hu tao or ganyu. s/o and him would farm artifacts and stuff together up until their eyes cant take it. they def would fall asleep while fighting a boss and wake up in the morning with their entire team dead.

© heartsforjngwn — 2023

[undeaddollz]

omg I loved the request for older! Sibling! Reader, it’s very rare in the fandom unfortunately.

could you possibly add to that trope with this prompt: One day the bowers gang are hanging at (depend’s on who the sibling is) and Reader just walks into the kitchen in a top and they just have scars. Just scars on their back or front of arms, just a scar that certainly wasn’t by being reckless or self inflicted.

wether it be they used to be bullied heavily, they got into fights a lot, (if Henry then maybe their dad’s abuse), maybe even a rare occasion where Reader might’ve been in a deadly situation and somehow survived.

I just need older sibling reader to be loved more than younger, and always female, reader.

ok im gonna do how each guy would react if it was their sibling! idk if you want it like a fanfiction or something! (i might make a hashtag for older sibling bowers gang cause i honestly love writing this...) if you guys love older sibling reader PLEASE request prompts i love writing prompts

HENRY BOWERS - the scars are likely from butch - henry knows that butch obviously beats on you too but you never let him know the extent cause c'mon, thats your little brother, you don't want him to see that. - when he sees deep scars like that he freaks out and starts yelling - he really does care about you more than everything, he's yelling saying shit like "i'll kill him" "what the hell did he do" - although he knows he can't really go against butch - he makes you sit still while he basically covers you in scar cream, glaring if you move while breathing - he cancels any plans he had and you guys spend the day together, you don't really talk about it but henry keeps his eye on you all day VICTOR CRISS - probably some sort of bullying scars

- he's shocked when he see's them, cause he had never heard of any bullying issues from you or your guy's parents

- a little upset you didnt tell him even though he was probably young when it occurred

- he tries to get you to talk to him about it

- when he finds out its a bullying situation he starts to feel guilty..maybe he should stop bullying the losers...no no. that's different. they're freaks, you're his older sibling, you're cool.

- later in the day he barges into your room with your favorite snacks, drinks and candy, actually paid for by him..for once, since he usually bugs you for money

- you guys watch a movie together and he tries to not stare or bring up the scars

BELCH HUGGINS

- scars are either from bullying or some sort of fight

- freaks the hell out.

- even though you aren't bleeding he acts like you are

- goes to get some scar cream and says you HAVE to use it

- silently thinks the scars are badass but he wont tell you that

- you guys go on a silent drive, minus the radio playing, you just listen to music and don't talk

- he treats you like glass that whole day

- tries to cook for you since your guy's mom is working, emphasis on tries. its horrible but you try to eat it anyways. ...you guys end up ordering pizza.

PATRICK HOCKSTETTER

- the scars could literally be from anything

- he doesn't exactly care.. but he wants to know how you got them

- probably the first time he really has a conversation with you, in a long time at least.

- he had stopped making drawings for you when he turned 10 but this day he comes into your room with a drawing, its just with brown and black and its mostly scribbles but you can make out two people who look like you and him

- he doesn't love or care for you but you're a part of his routine so he doesn't want you gone, he doesn't want his routine disrupted so he tries to keep you around.

[suffarustuffaru]

hey so not too long ago, i saw a post from rz twitter that said that during the first loop where subaru meets otto, when subaru met the witch cultists and were chanting something to subaru before they left, that these cultists left because some outsider (who's therefore an enemy to their witch and its prophecy) was nearby. And the tweet said how that "nearby outsider" was actually otto who stayed behind because he was worried that subaru, (whom he met only as a customer in that loop and otto had already fulfilled his job) would succumb to danger. And despite frufoo's warnings, it's heavily implied that otto had in fact died in that loop waiting for subaru to come back. And the replies were saying that it's common knowledge?

First of all, is that true? I can see how one would come to the conclusion that the cultists left because otto, an outsider, was nearby. But i haven't seen proof of the implication that otto died from that loop. Secondly, with this perhaps being true, does that confirm that any loop in which otto was nearby and subaru is in danger, that otto risked his life for him? Some ppl say "but the whale incident!" But like you said way earlier, otto came back to him after pushing him off, and it's implied that he died trying to save subaru. There's no loop i can recall otto leaving him to the dust, even when he doesn't know who subaru is. And thirdly, Otto get some self-preservation skills, you barely knew the guy and already risk your life for him. What the fuck.

HAH anon your ask intrigued me so much i immediately went to the anime to try and confirm this. and bc the anime is the closest bit of info i got wjdndn i dont have arc 3 ln or access to arc 3 wn (i do not understand japanese either, sadly) but!! while the anime doesnt explicitly confirm otto died in that first loop his character debuted in, i think its definitely a possibility that he died to the witch cult there. (if anyone knows the lore on this for sure though feel free to add?? yeah)

also regarding about whether this is common knowledge or not—id argue its kind of not, at least in certain circles, bc im gonna be completely real i had to double check the anime to see how well i remembered it bc its 1. been a while since i’ve watched season 1 in full and 2. when i was looking at it on my first watch i was focused more so on what the hell was happening to subaru, rem, emilia camp rather than otto, who at the time seems like just some random guy who wont appear ever again. but also maybe im a little too used to people misinterpreting rezero over on reddit ajfbdnd bc some people STILL completely forget that otto went back after pushing subaru off the wagon. and some people still forget ottos died for subaru even though its super obvious in arc 4?? so i dont think ottos involvement with subaru across loops is really common knowledge? or at the very least its not common for Certain portions of the rezero fandom bc i see ottos whole fixation on subaru gets glossed over at times. but i do genuinely think moments like the first loop with otto are probably easy to sort of miss if youre not paying attention. but also again i might be a little bit brainwashed by rezero redditors misreading things bc the amount of people that forget otto went back for subaru in the white whale loop made me doubt my own memory of that scene to the point where i rewatched it in the anime just to be sure wkdndnd. i dont really see any english rezero people talk about this loop in particular too unless theyre referring to you know, rem arlam and emilia camp dying. but anyway moving on for now…

alright!! lets go over this scene i suppose. the anime doesnt go into like. Specifics, like how the tweets you mention do anon, but it does have some interesting stuff.

in the anime, the first loop with otto happens in episode 14 to about the beginning of 15, but the focus is of course more so on subaru, rem, arlam, etc, bc rem left for the mansion and subarus trying to get there quickly so he pays otto to do that. otto takes the time to warn him before they even set off, not only for his own sake but also for subarus:

but you know, bc ottos desperate for money bc hes in debt, he takes up the job. but once otto and subaru actually get to the road leading up to arlam and the mansion, otto stops bc frufoo’s frightened and shes warning them of danger—

but subaru being subaru jumps off anyway and leaves. he says this quickly before he goes:

otto replies by trying to call out to him desperately as he runs away:

your point about ottos self preservation is super interesting anon because otto DOES have self preservation skills. he almost kind of prides himself on it, sometimes—as a merchant, especially from a merchant family, hes been raised to treasure it. to go for things that work in his favor. especially with his bad luck fucking him over too. and he can be slightly morally ambiguous at times, so he is Very aware of self preservation and staying out of trouble. but at the same time, leaving behind innocents does kind of weigh on him bc. well hes still human. that and the further into rezero you get, the more clear it is that ottos self preservation skills just get thrown out the window the moment he sees subaru. like otto takes a significant amount of time on screen to complain about danger or trouble hes found himself in, or go on and on about how the moment he sees danger, hes just gonna turn around and run—but its just COMPLETE AND TOTAL BULLSHIT SOMETIMES. he has plenty of chances Every Time to turn around and run and the moment subaru enters the picture, he doesnt take it. the only exception to this was him leaving subaru in greed if, but thats because he saw that subaru didnt give a shit about him and even then. he made that choice FOR subaru’s sake too, bc he recognizes that greed if subaru is just gonna micromanage everything and deal with it on his own. otto knows he’d just be another burden to subaru, so he leaves to lessen the load.

main route otto though? yeah youre absolutely right his self preservation is way beyond dead at this point. his self preservation is absolutely gone when it comes to subaru. this first loop is an example of it—while of course ottos you know treating subaru like a stranger bc thats what they are, he goes out of his way to warn subaru repeatedly. at first it looks like its mostly just for his own benefit bc hes Also in danger here, but then he says that he cant just accept taking subarus money and items. he talked about how hed accept subarus payment just a few minutes before this?? and we know in retrospect that he desperately NEEDS money bc hes in debt??? and subarus giving him an out right now to just leave and not look back but he still hesitates and frantically tries calling after subaru??? he has EVERYTHING to gain from just taking the money and subarus things and just leaving, but we dont actually see him leave on screen.

and then right after this, we cut to subaru running to arlam. of course, the witch cult stops him, and in the anime, all they do is circle him, then bow (to foreshadow how the witch cult + petelgeuse think that hes one of them, im assuming), and then they disappear without saying a single word.

its interesting to note though that when they leave, they run towards the direction subaru just came from. which is where otto was.

and then subaru keeps continuing on to arlam and the mansion where he finds out that the witch cult Basically wiped everyone out there. episode 15 continues this loop and then quickly ends it bc subaru is having a mental breakdown finding everyones corpses and then he promptly proceeds to die to puck (iirc?) inside the mansion. and thats all the details the anime gives about the ending of this loop. so no clear hint like the white whale loop that otto Died from this, but i think the implication is definitely there if you choose to read into it. (again, im not sure if the ln adds more details to this or not, but iirc the anime doesnt touch on this much.)

its strange that the witch cultists that find subaru just. up and leave in the direction where we Know otto likely is, bc 1. the cultists move Fast and 2. only a couple minutes passed at most, so its likely that otto is Still There, even if he did start trying to leave. even then though, i think its in character for him to still be there and try to wait for subaru. or, at the very least, otto waited there debating with himself on whether he should just leave or not. waiting there satisfies both his self preservation and the guilt he’d feel if he just abandoned subaru—he doesnt go any further to minimize the danger to himself and frufoo, but he doesnt completely leave just in case subaru comes back or if otto decides to move forward and check on subaru or something. but then we see subaru find everyone at arlam and the mansion dead, and we the audience know the surviving witch cultists left in the opposite direction (where otto is) after killing everyone at arlam, so—i think theres a connection there. as in: yeah. if otto was still there, hes probably dead.

additionally, of course later in arc 3 we see that otto gets captured by the witch cult. this time he was captured bc the witch cult caught him hurrying to get to another location for its job offer, so the witch cult captured him to interrogate him on what exactly he was doing iirc?? so in that sense yeah he was caught by the witch cult for being an outsider getting into witch cult territory while they were in the middle of doing shit (and he likely wouldve been killed if ricardo and the others hadnt rescued him) o.O

but yeah thats all the animes got regarding the first loop (aka ottos official debut into the main story as well)!!!

“There's no loop i can recall otto leaving him to the dust, even when he doesn't know who subaru is." also anon youre so right for saying this bc. yeah i cant recall any loops either bc every time otto is there near subaru. hes risking his life for subaru. hes so incredibly ride or die that its concerning. it kind of boggles my mind that some people overfixate on how he pushed subaru out of the wagon in the white whale loop and YEAH that was fucked up, but not only does he feel bad and die trying to go back for subaru later, but when you watch that scene in the anime and think about it from ottos perspective. yeah some guy you just fucking met is yelling at you about how you apparently forgot about some person youve never heard of in your life, hes yelling at you to go back and TOWARDS THE WHITE WHALE when all youre trying to do is save both of your asses, he starts trying to wrestle with you while youre both being hunted down by the whale, and then he starts rambling to himself about how maybe its his fault the white whale is chasing after both of you while you keep hearing the white whales deranged thoughts in your head the whole time bc of your dp??? its a miracle otto didnt push subaru out of that damn wagon sooner and its a miracle otto even decided to go back for subaru after all that T^TT any person in ottos shoes would be RUSHING to push subaru out of that wagon.

but like. once you think about it - yeah Every Time in the main route that ottos been near subaru and theyve gotten into danger? otto actively puts himself at risk for subarus sake. and he doesnt always die or get hurt for it, but we know that he ALWAYS goes out of his way to help subaru. hes been like this since his debut in arc 3, practically, regardless of whether or not he actually died there. bc he still Lingered around and tried to warn subaru not to leave.

so what im saying is that so much of ottos screentime is spent helping subaru in some way.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

Another brain moment….. (I formed a thought) I think that in a poly relationship with stsg a lot of problems that would occur in regular relationships with only one of the boys would become much easier to work around and figure out. For example, One of these things, I think, is satorus dislike for emotional vulnerability and sincerity because it makes him uncomfortable and/or scared, since those things can be used against him (which he knows is irrational because you and suguru would never use those things against him, he knows). But then when you add suguru into the mix, communication about these things would become a lot easier — because it means he’s there to step in when he knows satorus usually endearing childishness isn’t necessary in the situation and is most likely upsetting you. Because emotional vulnerability, I think, comes a bit easier to suguru than it does to satoru and he’s there if you really want to have a serious conversation about things that either of them do that might be upsetting you. Obvi not hate to my gorgeous babygirl princess wifey satoru! But he’s got trauma and trauma comes with trauma responses that make things like showing his emotions to people (even if he would hang all the stars in the night sky for them) hard and suguru is just the perfect man to help both him and you with that. Ughhhh I love them so hard….. I need to wrap them both up in a fluffy blanket and kiss them silly :((

STSG ANON u’re back!!! and here to feed us once again!!!!!!! :D

I AGREEEEEEEE U GET THEM. i trust u w my life. this is so real so true AND such a genuinely interesting discussion …. this is just me spitballing my thoughts so might be a little incoherent but!!

i think that individually both satoru and suguru have their issues, mostly related to intimacy and emotional aspects, and i think having each other would help them deal with that. not that i dont think reader could help them improve because they definitely could!! but i think the relationship benefits so much from all three of you.

first of all!! like u already mentioned anon; satoru absolutely has issues with showing emotions and being vulnerable and thats something that i think suguru in particular would be so good at managing. hes patient and gentle and he would never judge either one of you. def the best communicator too!! i see suguru as the anchor of the relationship, in a way, a safe place for you both.

and and and!! i love how u mention this: he’s there if you really want to have a serious conversation about things that either of them do that might be upsetting you. bc!! its so true & important!! i think theyre both caring and understanding and very kind, but theyre not perfect, and even suguru can probably appear a little condescending and arrogant sometimes.

but i think u’re so right anon — sugu will take ur worries seriously, and i think gojo would step up if sugu wasn’t hearing u out. (which wouldnt be a common occurence at all but like.. i think that if he’s 100% convinced that he’s in the right and maybe feeling more stressed than usual then its kinda like talking to a brick wall lol. but when that happens gojo knows he has to step in and make sure both of u communicate properly <33)

and on the topic of suguru… here’s the thing. i think sugu and gojo have very similar issues, they just deal with them differently. i see suguru as a bit of a hypocrite; he urges you and satoru to open up, but wont really do so himself. in a way i think he might be even more closed off than satoru. he’s in tune w his emotions and definitely good at dealing w them himself which is why i think he chooses not to talk to you about it — because why should he bother you with something he can handle just fine on his own? and in this case his tendency to just give and give works against him, because obv you want him to open up to you too!!

and i think this bottling up of emotions is something toru would be good at managing. because he would push suguru, maybe a little too much, maybe they’d argue for a while — but suguru would open up. for sure. i think he’d benefit from that push. and if you’re there to be a kind of mediator, to soothe him while satoru takes the more assertive role, then i think things would work out well. you just balance each other out!!

and and and!!! i think these two are such a good duo. sugu covers the bases that gojo doesnt and vice versa, and i think that no matter what issues reader has they could manage it. intimacy issues, trust issues, emotional issues in general — they can handle it!! sugu is just so endlessly patient and easy to open up to, and satoru can give you the push you need while also being so endlessly supportive and reassuring and i think they could fix me i mean you.

i got carried away again phskdjd I LOVE HEARING UR THOUGHTS ANON <333 i ALSO need to bundle them up in blankets and kiss them silly . tysm for feeding my poly stsg brainrot ily 🥺🥺

[coolertheory]

anyone want my curious family headcanons. yes you do come here. long post warning

VIDCUND

post-psp he becomes the estranged relative that fucks off and disappears. he comes back about 10 years later like… surprise 

in those 10 years i like to think he lived in some apartment in belladonna cove as a horticulturist or something to do with plants

his natural hair is dark brown due to recessive genes or however genetics work idk man

he started dying his hair blonde sometime before he started college to “reinvent himself” but oops! once a loser always a loser. also to fit in more with his family

besides circe and his brothers his only friend in school was the librarian. they were on first name basis

everything about his life is just profoundly Sad and Pathetic. look up the price is right losing horn sound effect his whole life can be summed up with that

his wardrobe is stuck in the 1970s and only wears warm tones

had a really close relationship with his mom. slight daddy issues

extreeeeme perfectionism. probably wont even do anything if he know the outcome isn’t going to turn out well

secretly jealous of his siblings for various reasons but will he ever admit that? fuck no

JENNY

jenny is actually just a nickname, her full name is genevieve! i feel it fits in more with how her other brothers are named 

also her green eyes are actually eye contacts, her natural eye color is brown. all the curiouses have shitty vision

was good friends with lyla grunt in high school

dropped out of college after finding out she was gonna have johnny

had him without the rest of the family knowing, they just assumed she was busy with her nursing degree and only had time to call instead of visit

her favorite song is our house (the one by graham nash) she hums it a lot!

oh trust me shes a huge fucking nerd just like the rest of her family. was very apparent when she was in school but after college you’d have to really get to know her to know that

puzzle enthusiast of all kinds. (crosswords, jigsaw, sudoku etc)

was the photographer/spread designer for the yearbook committee

adds a smiley face at the end of all her messages :-) just like me fr

PASCAL

he had a pet lizard that he got when he was 8. her name was eunice and he took her everywhere. to the dismay of literally everyone

his childhood dream? to become a mailman. 

sparkling water enjoyer…

most definitely becomes a pta parent when tycho starts going to school. also chaperones for all of his field trips

proud member of the neighborhood watch. which contains literally only 2 other people 

favorite genre of music is songs that sound like if you just spammed the auto predicted words on the keyboard over and over again (stuff is way by they might be giants, once in a lifetime by talking heads, yaknow)

in his free time hes always on some forums about obscure topics. sorry to say this but he’d probably be a redditor

somehow ended up on a gameshow once. didn’t win anything though. he thinks being on it is the crowning achievement of his lifetime 

his car looks like this 

LAZLO

his favorite movie is bill and ted’s excellent adventure (i promise my profile+pinned has no influence on this what do you mean guys hahahaah) and the other quintessential stoner movies 

because of his high cooking skill and scientist career, his career ends up being in the field of molecular gastronomy. food science, baby!

shared a room with vidcund before jenny moved out for college

oh in middle school he absolutely had that like, that gelled spiky porcupine looking hair that boys had in the 90s-early 2000s

i feel like he’d be the perpetrator of some in-universe version of an early 2000s meme in the same vein as none pizza with left beef or operation baja blast

speaking of baja blast. his favorite fast food chain is taco bell. 

favorite mode of transportation? rollerblading. 

collects novelty mugs

one of those guys that can solve a rubix cube in under 10 seconds

MISC

the smith family house is actually the curious family’s childhood home

they all have matching “C” middle names:  jenny celeste curious, pascal calliope curious, vidcund cecil curious, & lazlo caelum curious. vaguely space related except for cecil i just liked how it sounded

they’re mixed white/filipino from kitty and glarn respectively ;-)

okok this is a general headcanon but. i like to strangetown “takes place” in 2008, because my timeline is:

base game [2008] -> psp [2008-2009] -> strangerville [2018-2019]

anyways this is relevant because birthday headcanons! i havent come up with actual dates but... jenny (1968), chloe & lola (1972), pascal (1974), vidcund (1976), lazlo (1980)

yes chloe & lola are 3 years younger than jenny but i like to think aliens age really slowly so they still look like they’re young adults  

[myopicry]

I've already sent you an ask (more like a ramble on aesthetics and its relation to women) around a week ago, you're probably inactive atm (which isnt a bad thing btw!) but i'm gonna send another thing in (something unrelated to my last ramble lol).

now that i've spent time both in radfem/"terf" spaces and trans positive/inclusive(?) ones, i've noticed how scared the latter are of being even *slightly* associated to the former. it's oddly funny and kind of silly when you think about it. ppl have talked about this before but i'm referring to stuff like "op is a terf" and "terfs dni". the latter has been especially poignant to me recently for some reason: a trend ive seen is that ppl often write that in their bio after having created a post which some radfems or GCs reblogged/engaged with and they've used the classic "so terfs have come across this and i just wanted to let it be know that i dont like you guys" (altho worded much less kindly). it's like they're *terrified* of being perceived by ppl who share their views as even just somewhat affiliated to the "other" in any way, shape or form. or they're terrified of the other following them and interacting with their content. it feels very defensive and overly "loud" to me, idk?... the "op is a terf" has been talked about a lot in the radfem/GC spaces, so this might be a shorter section (update: it's not, lmao), but as that one post said: "it's a thought terminating cycle". I think that's one of the reasons i haven't checked out what the hell these "terfs" were actually saying and arguing (apart from screenshots of JKR tweets) for so long. it rlly proved to me how engaging with media from other "sides" is crucuial, even if you probably wont agree most of the time. if anything, i think i just wanted to be a good ally: i love debating and i wanted to know how to respond to "terf rhetoric" better. i remember feeling surprised by what i saw, not feeling the immediate "this is illogical and bad" feeling, and having trouble arguing against certain points. i couldn't even find good counter arguments from other ppl. and then there was a domino effect (altho i havent adopted all radfem and GC POVs and dont consider myself as a radfem or rad leaning/GC). even some trans friends of mine were surprised when i reported my findings to them. i'll stop here even though i can talk about this for much longer, but those "terfs/radfems dni" bios rlly stick out to me now and made me think lol. hope to see you back soon! ~🪼

hi hi! apologies for the delay! I did in fact spend some personal time offline, it was quite nice and it is probably a much healthier thing than spending most of my day on tumblr lmao but I can't deny I did miss speaking openly about my opinions on things, especially certain observations that I absolutely would not be able to discuss with my irls unless I wanted to sit them down for a multi-hour lecture just to make sure I wasn't misunderstood ^_^|||

anyway I just saw both your asks (eloquently written as ever!) and will respond to this first just because I saw it first lmao. not much to add other than maybe rambling myself about some of my own similar experiences and what not. you've put it into words great though! there is almost this "mystical" denouncement of terfs/radfems/gender criticals who are mislabled as just radfems etc. within trans spaces, and as I've looked more and more into "terf" ideology this kind of hatred really does go back far, to a point where it's basically impossible to even mention radical feminism or gender critical feminism without immediate hostility. like a sort of legend or custom, being wary/outwardly hateful of the demonic terf. maybe this is why when I heard gender ideology being likened to a religion, the analogy really clicked with me, because on some level trans-inclusive spaces really do make terfs feel like "the devil", some root of all evil, the parallel to the "divine" that they liken themselves to. I'm fairly atheistic myself in regards to just religion in general, so understanding being gender critical as essentially "gender atheism" helped me realize how logically flawed and slightly harmful a vehement belief in trans ideology could be, just as a non-critical perspective on any religious ideology can be.

I definitely relate to the point of basically falling into the radfem rabbit hole accidentally. I don't really feel like I'm properly a radfem or especially an activist (I do just write what's on my mind and that I can't really get engagement from my pre-existing social circles lol) and I honestly got into the ideas not through radblr but imageboards and forums through my bad habit of looking for material to "invalidate" me as some kind of "doom-scrolling" practice, but instead of finding blind hatred (even in the most niche of internet corners, where the ideology does get radical indeed) I found logical, cogent arguments and reasoning for why these people were so against gender ideology. I mean, yes, there was still hatred, but there's hatred on every corner of every internet space, and it also made me realize how my belief in not committing "thought crimes" by even entertaining "terf" rhetoric was simultaneously making me blind to the genuine flaws and ickier aspects of the trans + queer community that I was just sort of ignoring with cognitive dissonance. as a woman and someone with really god awful people-pleasing habits, I was unfortunately quite good at ignoring things that made me uncomfortable in order to maintain social acceptance and a good reputation in the eyes of others, and even if I don't share every radfem or gc belief, I can't deny being exposed to them all was absolutely integral to unraveling some of that unhealthy behavior.

based on my personal experiences, it is really actually quite disheartening to see that "radfem/terf dni" thing happen so much online. you really can't expect to never challenge your own thinking. in fact, challenging your preconceived notions is the only way you can grow as a person in your personal philosophy and conception of the world. I get it though, it is probably scary to engage with the "forbidden fruit" if your whole self-proclaimed all-accepting community says that this is one thing that is absolutely intolerable and will get you kicked from this welcoming "club". I will say, having opened this proverbial pandora's box of theory, I get a bit more angry and cynical at the state of the world (how did I never notice the staggering affects of misogyny before?), and I get a bit more sad that I'll never be able to have that unquestioning community with people who are supposed to understand me. I wonder if there are more people who would honestly be able to understand the nuances in critiquing gender ideology out there, but they fear that ostracization too. if by some random chance anyone like that ever reads this exact post (lol what are the odds) I always like to remind people that a burner email and account on something like tumblr is incredibly easy to set up!

alright, lemme get to your other ask because it is really interesting and thanks again for visiting!! I genuinely missed engaging with this kinda stuff offline, and I also get tired being the one to drip feed new ideas to people in person. it's really nice to just get a nice well written insight to engage with unfiltered (well, as unfiltered as a tumblr post under a pseudonym can be lmao)

[sleepis4theweak]

FLASHBACK AU QUESTIONS, YOU SAY? FLASHBACK AU QUESTIONS YOU SHALL RECEIVE (Or at least somewhat related to the au questions...)!!

How did you originally come up with the story? Have you planned it out? Have you made any changes since you first thought of it?

What's your fav Mikey dynamic? Do you think it shows in the comic? My personal fav is PB & J duo :>>

Who's your least favorite character in the comic to draw?

Who's your favorite character to draw?

Where did Madame Bishop (I forgot her name- she had one didn't she?..was it Joanne? MAN I HAVE AMNESIA) get that scar from?

IS... IS MIKEY GONNA STAY DEAD...? 😰

Can we have a sneak peek by any chance? :3

What do you think Madame Bishop (...yeah might be Joanne...) would have been like in the doomed timeline?

ALRIGHT THAT'S ALL I CAN THINK OF, I'LL LEAVE YOU OFF WITH A PUN : Have you heard of the theory that no two people see color the same? I guess that would mean color is just a pigment of our imagination 🤔

YAYYAYAYAYYA THANK YOU I GOT VERY EXCITED TO ANSWER THESE YAY!

ANYWHO LONG ANSWERS BUT:

1- This was honestly supposed to be a two part comic. The entire au is based off of experiences I have had (minus the whole dying part of course) with my cousins and or brother. The first part was about Donnie and Mikey- and Mikey having the puppy dog eyes that Donnie couldn't do. That was about my cousin! It was supposed to just be like oh look Mikey can do puppy eyes. And then I saw something about how kids that struggle with understanding emotions can practice expressions in the mirror sometimes* and was like haha I should add this since it's actually something I used to do as well! THEN I wrote the line about him wanting to be the youngest and I mean... my brain went straight to "now what if Mikey dies"...

I didn't expect people to like it as much as they did tbh... so when people started to really comment on it I was like okay I should bring Mikey back to life... But then it turned into a whole au...

It's almost entirely planned out now! And most comics are still based off of stories of things that have happened with my cousins or brother! (Like how I smashed my cousins legos because I was angry at him.... its a long story lol).

*(It can also be something that kids with autism do... and someone actually pointed it out! ->)

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2- Thats a really hard one... I think my fav has to do with the situation I guess? Or how I'm feeling? But Donnie and Mikey are probably my favorite overall! But only by a teensy tiny bit.

Raph and Mikey are my favorite angst wise, and the ones I can relate to the most. Leo and Mikey are really fun, and I really like using it to explore responsibility.

I think it does show in the comic! I mean I went straight to the PB & J duo- and then with Leo and Mikey I really explored responsibility. With Raph and Mikey it was shorter, but it was a lot more emotional for me personally. And right now Raph and Mikey are really getting the spotlight. Though Leo and Mikey are the main ones in the next update! :)

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3- DONNIE. OMFG DONNIE IS SO RECTANGULAR AND ITS TERRIBLE. ITS WHY HE'S HANGING HALF IN HALF OUT OF A LOT OF FRAMES BECAUSE I HATE DRAWING HIM. I've definitely gotten better at him tho! Example for u ->

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4- I think Leo is the easiest to draw, with Mikey coming in second! My favorite to draw though is definitely Mikey. I like his mask tails :) Also he's my favorite in general hehehe

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5- LMAO I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE NAME JOANNE CAME FROM IM LAUGHING SO HARD- THATS HER CANNON NAME NOW. ITS CANNON HER NAME IS DR. JOANNE BISHOP.

She got that scar from an experiment! Idk which one... but she was experimenting on something and it freaked and scratched her! :3

It isn't too important to the story, but it may add some depth/explanation to some of her reactions later on.

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6- ... lemme tell you, I have gotten this ask so many times... BUT CONGRATS I WONT DELETE THE ASK THIS TIME JUST FOR YOU <3

Usually I answer the ask, wait until I'm sure the person sending it saw my response and delete it to keep the mystery alive hehe... but I won't delete this one.

No. Mikey is not gonna stay dead. I mentioned it in the first one, but the comic was supposed to end with him maybe dead maybe not... but since the au is continuing... I don't like it when characters die :( Its sad so he was never gonna be actually dead. So yes, he will come back! Its just gonna take a bit...

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7- YOU MAY! I was considering which spoiler to give you... but I've decided to give you a big spoiler... just cropped. :) Because I'm evil like that :))

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8- Hmmm.... idk to be honest, I haven't thought about it... I think she would be just... even crazier. Like batshit insane.

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THAT PUN MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD- THANK YOU FOR THAT AND THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK IT MADE MY DAY <3

[tadpolesonalgae]

Okie i'll copy you for a bit a do the quote for each comment thing so i dont get lost hehe

I don’t know? I think to us as readers of the series I kind of agree, but then he cooperated with the alliance, and also I’m on the side that if anyone should be able to see through his mask it should be the IC since hello Rhysand? UTM? CoN???? The idea of a mask/persona???

honestly this is one of the million problems with acotar because yeah when i say the ic has no way of knowing that eris isn't all bad i mean sjm keeps writing the story like that but you're right it doesn't make any sense. i mean even apart from eris doing literally what rhys has been doing since forever, how am i suppose to believe that mor knows all truth or whatever her powers even are and that rhys is a mind reader, and azriel and amren are supposed to be able to read people so well, that azriel's shadows see things that others don't but they still think eris is as bad as beron. that and both eris and mor kinda have made it seem like there's something else there (i genuinely think sjm planned on making mor and eris mates or something but then people started calling her out on having no diversity and she made mor gay out of nowhere). im also pretty sure its common knowledge in the ic that yes eris dumped her over the border without any other help which sucks but he didn't actually hurt her (that was kier) and one look at the autumn court would be enough to tell them that mor would have been hurt even worse if beron had seen her so how did they not put 2 and 2 together. i guess he still hurt her enough and as her friends they probably wont ever forgive him but it doesnt make sense logically for them to still think eris is the same as beron

This might sound hypercritical or conflictive but I’m not writing/don’t want to write Mor to be a bitch? I like Mor and while it might add to the angst and drama to have her be cruel to reader I just wouldn’t be able to commit to it 😭 In my mind it was Mor acting on the hurt reader has caused her and while it was unnecessary, emotions should be let out?

im sorry to say but mor was in fact a bitch but i get what you're saying like she's justified in her anger (in a way) but yeah trying to make someone who just attempted suicide feel bad about themselves is beyond bitchy. but im saying this as someone who doesn't really like mor most times (to me there's no depth to her character tbh like she was just there as the obligatory female friend for feyre, if you compare how developed cass and az are to mor... yeah she just falls flat idk if its bc cass and az will become the main characters in their books and mor might not get one or if its just not so great writing coming from miss maas once more)

Azriel calling Mor out??? After some of the things he’s said to reader????

i feel like this could be a good turning point though. like imagine azriel heard it and calls her out and has to admit not only to himself but out loud about all the shitty uncalles for comments he's thrown reader's way but even while admitting to it, deciding that he wants to be better to her and calling out mor on her bullshit is one way of doing it. also calling out mor is especially significant because of the whole he was in love with her for 500 years (i refuse to go with sjm's shitty ass "he loved her for 500 years and one day just stopped" bullshit - if she was a decent writer who cared a little more about character growth and plot instead of superficial romance tropes and smut she would write a whole book for azriel with no love interest but of him finding his own way and letting go of his love for mor that lasted for 500 fucking years before ever thinking of making him fall for someone else anyway i digress)

That would be so ooc of reader but I think it would be funny (in theory) for reader to suddenly do a 180° and act with them how she does around Eris and snap something smart and sassy back 😭🤭

i hope the ic gets to see her being herself with eris though and realize they really dont know shit about her

But then also idk how much the ‘thinking loudly’ was amplified by Rhys and Feyre’s bond, so whether it would even apply to reader in that way?

honestly sjm refuses to explain anyone's powers or even how magic works atp so who knows

also i saw another ask of you going in on cc and i would like to join a little. i have to start by saying i havent read the books bc i didn't do anything wrong but from the bits I've seen her writing really has been going downhill and it shows the most in the cc books. i never thought she was an amazing writer tbh like acotar reads to me like a teenager book almost but with smut so it's supposed to be ya and if it wasnt for fanfic i wouldn't be here or even remember the books. i read the first one and already had to skim through some of it but then the 2nd one was a bit more promising, unfortunately the 3rd book was going downhill by the chapter, i dont even like to talk about acosf because how is that supposed to be a book about healing when everyone that's supposed to love nesta treats her like shit and most of it is just smut that does nothing at all for the plot. so im not surprised that not only has cc been having a lot of these critics but also that sjm doubled down on the smut in that book. i also heard some of the characters are kind of copy paste from acotar but again i havent read the books. i honestly dont even know if i'll read any other acotar book because they keep getting worse and whether elain ends up with az or lucien or az with gwyn or elain, i dont think sjm will be able to pull a good book out of it when there's this big mess between all of the characters i mentioned plus her insistence on making the ic act like assholes to each other, creating a found family to make it shitty is just dumb in my opinion, but i know for a fact im not gonna read any of the other sjm series (even though tog is supposed to be the best one) and even if i did i wouldnt touch the modern fantasy if it was the last book on earth tbh. technology ends up taking a lot of the magic out of fantasy and obviously im reading fantasy because i like magical aspects. one of the reasons the later books fell off for me too tbh, she started modernizing things too much (like leggings and cans of soup?? when there are no factories or anything?) like the spring court had so many fun magic things and then velaris was a city with clubs, the moonstone palace and the hewn city felt more magical at times than the court of dreams.

i also agree that one of the biggest problems with the later books is the amount of smut. i like smut as much as the next person and dont mind reading pwp but in fanfictions not in books i pay for and that are written by professional authors. sjm tries less and less to write good characters and to keep up a plot because she knows her fantasy books were one of the first of the "spicy fantasy romance" to become popular and she's not losing that place and smut sells so who cares about a good story? definitely not her.

and with the bryce thing you're absolutely right, from what i've read she acts like a petulant selfish child most of the time and correct me if i'm wrong but she's not supposed to be like 19 like feyre so she's a grown ass woman. and yeah i definitely think sjm made her plus size because again she got called out for having no diversity in her books but treats it really weirdly. im someone who may not be plus size but pretty close to it and the way sjm writes bryce definitely gives me weird vibes. what i've seen most and even some people talk about is that a lot of characters keep mentioning how they're attracted to bryce, like sjm doesnt expect us ymto believe bryce is really hot by the descriptions she's made unless she keeps reminding us that people wanna fuck her. idk it may just be a bit of my trauma reading into it

im sorry if this ran too long im a bit drunk apologies - 🧶

Warnings: CC spoilers!, plus a little more slander, please consider looking away if you like the series! 🧡💛

‘when i say the ic has no way of knowing that eris isn't all bad i mean sjm keeps writing the story like that’

Right? Please miss Maas I want everyone to get along and be happy, let the drama between Eris and Mor be solved so that everyone can be happy and peaceful 😭

‘how am i suppose to believe that mor knows all truth or whatever her powers even are and that rhys is a mind reader, and azriel and amren are supposed to be able to read people so well, that azriel's shadows see things that others don't but they still think eris is as bad as beron.’

Also we’re kind of kept in the dark about specifics too? Mor’s just said to have ‘truth’ but what does that mean!! Can she force people to tell the truth? Can she see things in their true form?? Has she come out of the cave and seen the sun and the shadows it casts???? (Plato’s cave reference 😎)

Like I can understand to a degree why Rhys doesn’t look into people’s minds and appreciate that part of his character—that while he is morally greyish he has his own rules if that makes sense? He has his own perception of right and wrong which makes him interesting? But I might be confusing canon with fanon here 🫣

And yes I can see how miss Maas has written the IC to be flawed and Eris even says how Rhys is blinded by his love for his family so he has trouble seeing truths or discrepancies in those around him?

‘(i genuinely think sjm planned on making mor and eris mates or something but then people started calling her out on having no diversity and she made mor gay out of nowhere).’

Haha I hadn’t thought of it like that!

I’m still unsure what I’d choose between no representation vs. bad representation? On one hand it’s kind of disheartening/irritating to see sexuality used as such a cheap plot point? Unless miss Maas expands on it properly it’ll feel kind of useless to me? But then on the other hand representation is representation, like at least it’s becoming more prevalent in general media? I think another angle is some of the issues with acotar wouldn’t be as problematic as they are if the book series wasn’t so popular? But because it’s liked by so many people it’s also under much more intensive scrutiny when I don’t know if Miss Maas even planned for it to be taken so seriously as it is in some places? Not that the analysis is a bad thing, though, it’s interesting to see different things pointed out if I’d missed them the first time? (Particularly with Emerie and her descriptions of beauty? I hadn’t noticed it in the first read through but then saw some other people pointing it out, as well as other things?)

‘but he didn't actually hurt her (that was kier) and one look at the autumn court would be enough to tell them that mor would have been hurt even worse if beron had seen her so how did they not put 2 and 2 together.’

I suppose while Eris didn’t hurt her, Mor was in an extremely vulnerable position and the with Eris already being from the autumn court it would be easy to make the assumption that he would have inherited the beliefs in his father? Also with the saying of ‘if you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem’—I think that’s contextual, but for the sake of the point it’s making, I’m using it here—Eris didn’t do anything to help Mor that we know of, and also according to Mor’s narrative Eris said some cruel things, but then on the other hand since Eris hasn’t done or said anything exactly to contradict what Mor’s said so I’m not going to blame the IC for being protective and standing with her on what was likely an extremely traumatising moment for her? Honestly I guess it would be kind of weird and shitty if they doubted her to be honest 😭

‘im sorry to say but mor was in fact a bitch but i get what you're saying like she's justified in her anger (in a way)’

I expressed myself wrong, sorry 😭

Mor definitely said something bad, but I’m not going to write her in cbmthy to continue making horrid comments like that when nobody else is around, it was kind of a one-off thing so hopefully she won’t be a bitch in the rest of the story, just temporarily 🤭🧡💛

‘yeah trying to make someone who just attempted suicide feel bad about themselves is beyond bitchy.’

Hard agree, I might even have to say it was a little uncalled for 🫣😳🫢

‘to me there's no depth to her character tbh like she was just there as the obligatory female friend for feyre, if you compare how developed cass and az are to mor...’

I think in the books/canon she’s a bit contradictory? Maybe? With how harsh she is with Nesta and how gentle she is with Feyre? I can understand it I suppose, thinking of it through Mor’s perception, but it does sometimes feel like Mor was added just to be the one to add drama to the books? There might be something to say about how Mor and Amren are written as female characters as opposed to the batboys who we’re supposed to like and are romantic interests? Fanon Mor though 🧡💛🫂😭

‘like imagine azriel heard it and calls her out and has to admit not only to himself but out loud about all the shitty uncalles for comments he's thrown reader's way’

Okay so this is something I (maybe unnecessarily? I’m genuinely not sure) want to stretch out for a bit and give it time so it doesn’t magically disappear? With Azriel facing some of the things he’s said to reader and why they were so hurtful to her? I think him knowing she tried to kill herself will speed things up, but only to a certain degree since there’s still a lot they don’t know about one another?

‘i refuse to go with sjm's shitty ass "he loved her for 500 years and one day just stopped" bullshit’

I guess one might be able to argue he was naturally coming out of it already but it there’s no evidence to really support that? I guess it would be difficult to implement it though due to the nature of where the story started and who it follows, but it would have made more sense in my opinion if we somehow got to see Az beginning to lose feelings for Mor, but because that would require something to be set before Feyre came along I guess it would be impossible 😭

‘i hope the ic gets to see her being herself with eris though and realize they really dont know shit about her’

They probably will, however reader is the one who intentionally or not does change how she acts around people? To a certain extent reader does try to act more ‘appropriately’ around them? Like she would never speak to Rhys the way she speaks sometimes to Eris 😭 Though I can imagine it might be funny if she accidentally did and then slapped her hand over her mouth because she hadn’t meant to 😭

‘i never thought she was an amazing writer tbh like acotar reads to me like a teenager book almost but with smut’

I was wondering, did you know anything about acotar before you started reading it? I went in blind since a friend recommended it to me, so I had no idea about how popular it was or anything, but I can see how if someone had heard how hyped up people were about it and then read it, it might fall flat and be super disappointing?

‘but also that sjm doubled down on the smut in that book.’

I know I feel quite strongly that Bryce and Hunt didn’t really have that much of an emotional connection compared to their physical one? Though to be fair I also love seeing emotional vulnerability so maybe it was just a difference in taste? If you’re someone who liked that kind of lust-fuelled romance that’s fine, but personally it wasn’t my cup of tea :/

It also felt like when Bryce and Hunt introduced that ‘no sex’ rule (I think maybe in CC2) it was Miss Maas realising she hadn’t built up and kind of tension between them and had jumped into sex way too quickly and so was trying to dial it back which irritated me? I skipped over I think all of the sex scenes in CC2 because I just wanted them to hurry along and get back to the plot? Also I feel like Miss Maas was trying to make them kind of freaky to appeal to the smutty side, like with the dry humping, the electricity (I think a vibrator might have also been used but I skimmed the scenes so I can’t remember) it was just too much for me when I wanted to read about what was happening and wasn’t interested in their relationship at all 😭

‘i honestly dont even know if i'll read any other acotar book because they keep getting worse’

I know I won’t be reading another CC book and will just wait for someone to very kindly write a summary for it, but I’m desperately hoping she won’t mess up another acotar book 😭

If she does though, isn’t it such a relief we have fanfiction? 😭

‘like the spring court had so many fun magic things and then velaris was a city with clubs, the moonstone palace and the hewn city felt more magical at times than the court of dreams.’

I absolutely adore that factor in fantasy books! I particularly like Holly Black’s version of fae, where they live off the land more and are much more tricky to deal with? More folklore-esque, and I wish we saw more of that kind of thing in acotar 😭 I agree the Spring Court with the will-o-wisps was so lovely—To Old Gods is one of my favourite pieces in that aspect and I want to write and read more of that kind of ancient/slightly mythical/sometimes eldritchy magic 😭

‘i also agree that one of the biggest problems with the later books is the amount of smut. i like smut as much as the next person and dont mind reading pwp but in fanfictions not in books i pay for and that are written by professional authors.’

I used to enjoy reading smut in books (I only started reading regularly and realising I enjoyed it in the past four years) because it was new and exciting but I think now if it’s in professionally written books I absolutely adore it and author has nailed emotional connection? And yes, pwp in fanfiction? Great! Love it! But the amount of smut in CC was unbelievable and I suppose that might be how you feel about acosf? I have to admit I liked it but I think it’s heavily to do with enjoying the characters 😭 Bryce and Hunt in CC? I don’t want to read about that, please spare my eyes 😭😞

‘so who cares about a good story? definitely not her.’

I think I disagree with you here? Maybe? I can’t remember the CC books in particularly great detail? 😭 I think actually for the most part I did find the plot parts a little slow, and Bryce and Hunt made it worse for me, however I loved the ending to CC2, and I enjoyed the asteri story but I think the power levels got out of control? (Don’t even get me started on how Bryce literally doesn’t earn her magic, it infuriates me so much!!! Feyre, Aelin, and Nesta all went through some kind of training and Bryce literally just touches a stone then inherits starlight and has the audacity to say she worked for it? Babes, no.)

And actually with miss Maas being lazy in writing—her using a pill so that Bryce can understand the acotar world was so obviously a deus ex machina. It was so cheap and basic there wasn’t a single amount of thought that went into it.

‘and correct me if i'm wrong but she's not supposed to be like 19 like feyre so she's a grown ass woman.’

Yup. She’s twenty-three 😐

‘what i've seen most and even some people talk about is that a lot of characters keep mentioning how they're attracted to bryce, like sjm doesnt expect us ymto believe bryce is really hot by the descriptions she's made unless she keeps reminding us that people wanna fuck her.’

Honestly that wasn’t that big of an issue for me? Like I get it’s fantasy so I can excuse every love interest and even some who aren’t being attracted to the fmc, but I did definitely have an issue with how lust-fuelled and physical it was 😶‍🌫️

Like with Feyre and Tarquin it’s made clear they’re both attractive/beautiful people but I got the impression that ultimately they liked (?) one another for who they were? To an extent they had a kind of understanding and felt more honest?

‘idk it may just be a bit of my trauma reading into it’

Not sure how much it will help but I’m sending you internet hugs :/ 🫂🫂🫂

‘im sorry if this ran too long im a bit drunk apologies - 🧶’

Haha, don’t apologise it was fun getting to discus all these things with you!! 🧡💛

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

no tw warnings i dont think but mention of coming out (no bad reactions tho) also mention of pain medication

so i just i just impulsively came out to my mom and im feeling so much right now.

i was asking my mom a question on what my reaction was to finding out a family friend was a lesbian, and she asked if i thought that i was and i said no at first then i decided to say “i probably am” and she was completely fine with it so im so, so thankful and lucky for that, i just dont feel like im ready to come out i did it on impulse and i just wish i could go back 15 minutes and shut up lmao. im crying and shaking and i know its cause i wasnt ready to do that and not because of a bad reaction i just wish i would shut up sometimes. im on pain medication for tooth nerve pain and i’ve noticed its makes me more talkative and impulsive than usual and i just am feeling a lot of regret. again im so grateful she had a good reaction i just wish i didnt say anything cause this isnt how i planned on coming out. im really trying to focus on the fact she had a good reaction and i know this feeling will pass, sorry just needed to vent she said she wont tell anyone and i really hope she keeps that promise i just agh why do i do this stuff😭😭hopefully this doesn’t come off as me being ungrateful or anything like that, i know so many people have came out or been outed and didnt get good reactions or support and again im so glad thats not the case for me, i just feel i wasnt ready and its a intense feeling at this moment. i guess i would like any advise you might have to deal with this feeling also some support and kind words/reassurance if that’s possible. thank you for listening <3

Hey anon,

I understand the feeling of impulsively sharing something personal and regretting it, even if the other person responded well. It might help to use this experience to reflect on what it would look like to come out in an ideal way, and how you can achieve that moving forward, if there are others you plan to come out to. It might also help to focus on the reaction rather than the delivery - it's okay to want it to be a special and planned moment, and it's okay if it's not sometimes. It might be more important that the person you're telling is supportive.

If anyone would like to add any comments, please feel free to do so. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun