#and his only chance of leaving the airport alive is by leaving with him

[igayorhm]

Realizing Fyodor has orchestrated all of this to not only obtain the tri-polar singularity but also to probably get Atsushi alone with no one to get in his way has got me shook.

[cinnamoneve]

𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐱𝐢𝐚.

oneirataxia \ one-er-tax-ea \ (n.) - the inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality

❆ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: gojo satoru x gn!reader ❆ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: satoru's perception of love changes as he learns what it really means through you ❆ 𝐰𝐜: 1.8k ❆ 𝐚/𝐧: another self indulgent character study ahaha....we are so back... ❆ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: none :3

i want to be loved. 

all he knew about love was what’s been shown to him in media. songs about pining, books about lust, and movies about soulmates who weren’t meant to be. maybe that’s why rom-coms had secretly always been satoru’s guilty pleasure.

he wasn’t really sure what ‘love’ looked like, in any sense of the word. familial, platonic, romantic–any iteration. he grew up pretty well protected and sheltered, his parents leaving his handling to a bodyguard or dedicated nanny. where maternal and paternal love should live, there’s a soft hole in his heart filled instead with expensive toys, a home cooked meal that wasn’t made by a parent, and extravagant trips to keep his location a mystery.

satoru didn’t mind it. at least he didn’t think so–it’s all he’d ever known. being so sought-after and sheltered as a kid made it difficult to make and keep friends. primed for the world of sorcerers since his birth shook the balance, satoru never had much of a chance to be a kid at all, really. 

it manifests where you least expect it. his apartment is cold and independent; no notions of family anywhere in the sparsely decorated penthouse. all of the money in the world couldn’t buy the love that was stunted in his life. it’s hard to bridge that gap when you don’t see the gap at all. satoru sees no issue in it. he’s slowly started to fill the apartment with nods of his personality. a picture of the two of you, a ‘thank you’ card given to him by a student, a book megumi recommended to him collecting dust on his coffee table. he doesn’t really have time for reading, anyways.

before you met, satoru imagined love to be something different. love was crying in the rain, dancing with your lover like you didn’t care who was watching. it was running through an airport before they took off, catching them at the gate and convincing them to stay. it was red roses garnished with a bow. it was playing your favorite song on a speaker outside of your window, getting your attention by throwing pebbles at the glass. 

it was some of those things, sure. not in the way the two of you loved.

you taught satoru what love was in a different way. he didn’t think love could be so…normal? not grandiose. moments of love are between the big ‘movie-moments,’ he’s realized. he can’t remember exactly when he’d fallen in love with you, but there’s a few moments that stick out to him.

he’d first come to recognize what gentle love was when he came home from a long mission. he’d been gone for about 3 weeks, with very little contact. only small updates that he was alive to keep you at bay. maybe it was the lack of familial love that keeps him at an arm’s length. he stinks at communication–it’s probably his most fatal flaw. a bit of an isolationist at heart, satoru needs to constantly remind himself to keep in touch with his own partner. he’s learning to be better at it, and you’re learning to be more patient. a relationship is a compromise, after all.

he finally walked in the door, unannounced and unplanned. it was about 2 a.m. when he slithered in, taking his time to be extra quiet in the late hours. the house was silent, dark, and your shoes were by the door. must be asleep.

satoru walked to the bedroom, exhaustion and frustration clouding his headspace. what he really needed was a shower and a long rest, but he’d try for the former in the morning.

first, the smell of his cologne hit his nose. it wasn’t offensive, but it was a little overbearing–where was this coming from? he’d certainly not worn it in this room in nearly three weeks. he turned a soft light on to get undressed, and you shuffled in your sleep. and then he saw you.

satoru almost took you for a stranger. you were using his pillow, sitting on his side of the bed, wearing his sweatshirt. you looked like an angel there, sleeping so soundly that he barely wanted to move the bed and get in it. so he didn’t, just for a bit. the hole in his heart was slowly filling back up, and it hurt his chest a bit in a way that made it feel like it’d burst. nonetheless, he grabbed your pillow that you’d tossed aside and laid down next to you. 

and his nostrils burned a bit.

you’d sprayed his cologne all over the bed. the scent was a little overwhelming, but everything in him was too enamored to even think straight. he scooted the pillow a bit closer to you, snaking his arms around you to pull you closer to him. this was sweeter than anything he’s seen before; ‘this is love,’ he thought to himself. 

i want to be loved.

satoru didn’t realize that he’d always wanted this. he just didn’t know what he was missing out on. and here you are, proving it again and again. is this the love he dreamed of? that he saw in everything he watched? he wiped his eyes.

something about this interaction changed him deep down. and while you weren’t awake to see this one, satoru had a similar reaction on two other occasions.

one was his birthday. 

there’s something beautifully tragic about crying on your birthday; are you crying that time is passing? crying that you’ll never be that age again? if there’s one thing that binds humanity, crying on your birthday has to be close to the top.

you were eyeing satoru when you asked him about his birthday plans. he brushed them off, saying that celebrating his birthday was never a priority.

“you’ve never had a birthday party as a kid?” you ask.

“mm, nope,” he responded flatly, “i didn’t really celebrate my birthday when i was younger. it was like any other day to me, y’know?”

you huffed, pouted, and said okay. he’d figured that was the end of it, until the day came along.

satoru walked in from work, again, to a dark apartment. mildly annoyed, he flicked on the lights to see you standing in the decorated house, wearing a dorky little party hat.

“surprise!” you cheered, blowing into a cheap paper horn.

satoru smiled, amused, “what’s all this?”

“happy birthday, honey,” you finally walked through the streamers and balloons on the floor to greet him with a kiss. “sit at the table,”

he took his coat and shoes off, slowly walking to the dinner table as he admired the work you put in. it was decorated very childishly–a homemade banner, bright, primary colors as the main points sticking out. streamers, balloons with cartoon characters on them. there was a lone party hat on the seat at the head of the table. 

you motioned to it, giggling.

satoru smirked. “do i have to?”

“it’s your birthday. you absolutely must.”

this was definitely a child’s hat–the rubber band snapped as soon as he got it around his chin. suppressing a giggle, he fiddled with it as he got it to stay in his hair. as soon as he did, the lights dimmed.

and there you were, walking to him with a cake in your hands, candles being covered by your hand to stop any breeze. you sang as you set the cake in front of him, putting your hands on his shoulders and gently kissing his cheek when you were done.

the frosting was uneven, the candles used before. “happy birthday” was written poorly across the top–it was all of his favorite flavors made by the one who knew and loved him best.

satoru had been to birthdays before, but it seems like he’s never attended his own.

“you have to make a wish before you–hm?”

before you could finish, you look at satoru. he’s looking down at the cake, a tear running down his cheek. he looks up at you, hand finding the side of your face to pull you into a kiss. he didn’t say anything about it, just kissed you and blew out his candles.

you let it go, smiling to yourself as you cut him a piece of the homemade cake. satoru kept the party hat, secretly. at least, he thinks it’s a secret. you ignore it whenever it rolls off the top shelf of the closet, carefully putting it back with anything else he’s looking to hide. 

satoru doesn’t know what’s tying him back to that party hat. it’s made of a flimsy cardboard, with the rubber band chin strap broken from the moment he tried to put it on. he still can’t bring himself to throw it out, though. so at the back of the closet it will stay.

the first moment, you weren’t awake for, the second, maybe you could excuse. the third and most incriminating was, again, at the beginning of the relationship. it was the first night you stayed at his apartment; before you moved in, before you called your relationship anything concrete or official. the two of you fumbled it along, figuring it out along the way. satoru took the move of inviting you to stay and spend the night.

so you did. it didn’t take long for you two to make out on his couch, satoru eventually carrying you to the bedroom as you both fell out of your clothes. infatuation, maybe; something was keeping you both clawing at the other so desperately. it was your first time together.

you weren’t really sure how many partners satoru had before you, and frankly, you didn’t care. he treated you well, he respected your boundaries, and he checked in before he made any move further. honestly, he was a gentleman.

it took you by surprise when halfway through, he hovered over you and stopped his moans. you weren’t sure how long you two had been going, but satoru had both hands at the side of your face as you felt something hit your cheek. sweat, maybe?

no, tears. he was crying.

you reached your hand up, thumbing away the single tear from his pretty cheek.

“why are you crying?” 

“i-” he mumbled, “i don’t know,”

it’s okay, you thought. overwhelming hormones? sudden rush of dopamine? was he embarrassed? who knows. maybe you’ll ask another time.

you reached your hands around his neck to pull him down to your face, reaching up slightly to give him a soft kiss. a delicate one. he deserved to feel delicate, to feel loved.

and he did. that’s why he was crying. that’s why he cried during your first time together, cried on his birthday, and cried on a random thursday morning when he saw you in bed.

it’s unconscious. by the time he realizes what’s happening, there’s already a tear rolling down his cheek. but that’s all it takes for him to feel gratitude, warmth, and the realization that the love he’s always craved is closer than he could’ve imagined. 

all content © cinnamoneve 2024. do not repost, modify, steal, or copy without permission.

[samandcolbyownme]

Summary: full one shot based off of this snippet - I added more details to this one.

Warnings: SMUT18+, strong language, fighter!Jake, fighting, mentions of blood, cuts, bruises, punching, kicking, kissing, alcohol consumption, hair pulling, tiny bit of blood play, biting, scratching, unprotected sex, filth

Word count: 5.3k | not edited

Y/n’s outfit did this fic - here

You stared down at the ticket in your hand, leg bouncing up and down as a raging pace as you wait, very impatiently for your plane to finally be ready.

You wanted to get out of there, your hometown was nothing but stress and tears. You thought that coming home for a little would help things - but in reality, it only made them worse.

Made you want to leave and never look back.

And that’s what you did.

You felt full relief inching closer and closer, but you knew you weren’t going to fully get that until you were on that plane, on your way to LA.

“Now boarding flight number 225 to Los Angeles…”

You glance down at your ticket and jump up, tossing your bag strap onto your shoulder as you wheel your slightly beat up suitcase behind you.

——

As you unbuckle your seat belt, you glance out of the window, smiling as you see the sun shining down on the new world outside.

You stood up, grabbed your bag and waited as patiently as you could to get off of the plane.

You wrapped your arms around yourself as you looked around for options on how to get yourself away from this airport. There was a small strip of places that looked alive and open.

You walked into a place called, The Night Owl - fitting, considering it’s almost midnight.

You look around, sighing at the dead energy inside the bar. You give the older bartender a small smile as you walk up to the bar, setting your bag down on the seat next to the one you take for yourself, “Can I get a glass of wine please.”

He raises his brows, “Any particular kind?”

You shake your head, “A good one.” You laugh weakly and he nods, giving you small smile, “Coming right up.”

You look around, nothing really catching your attention, which is boring, to say the least.

You let out a sigh as you turn back around, reaching out to take the glass immediately after the bartender sets it down, “Thank you.”

“Eight dollars whenever you’re ready.”

You nod, digging into your purse. You lay a ten down, “I don’t need change.”

“Thank you.” He nods and as soon as you go to take a sip, some guy slides in between your hair and the one your bag isn’t on, “Haven’t seen you around here before.”

You instantly regretted coming in here.

“Just waiting on a friend.” You lie, trying to just get him off your back.

“Ah, okay. So one time thing, then yeah? Do you live around here?” He continues to pry and you let out a sigh, “Those are some pretty deep questions for someone I don’t even know the name of.”

He stares at you for a few seconds, “Oh shit. Sorry, I was just so caught up in your beautiful-“

“I’m not going home with you.”

He nods, “Straight to it, alright.” He takes a swig of his beer as he walks away and you can’t help but laugh when his friends boo him.

Probably the highlight of the night.

——

You finish your second glass of wine and Mel, the bartender, comes back over, “Can I get you one more before I start closing up?”

You tilt your head, “Just put a little blackberry bourbon in a glass for me.”

He nods, “You got it.”

As you wait for your drink to arrive, you pull your phone out, hoping there’s a slight chance it would turn on.

But no luck.

You sigh, tossing it into your purse as Mel sets the clear glass down in front of you.

“Thank you.” You gave Mel a smile before digging in your purse.

He nods and you lay a twenty down, “Keep the change, Mell.” He smile, “Thank you, y/n.” You nod and look down at your drink, mind racing about why you decided to move to L.A.

Why did I come here? Because you couldn’t be around your family any longer.

Do I have a reason to be here? Because you need to grow.

Can I really fit in and-

“This seat taken?” A deep voice pulls you from your thoughts and you look up, slowly turning your head.

A, very tall, guy with a beanie covering his black choppy looking hair, stands there with a small smile on his lips.

He was fairly cute, you couldn’t lie, so you shake your head, “Not at all.” You smile and sit up, turning towards him slightly as he sits down.

“I’m Jake.” He holds his hand out and you look down, shocked when you see his busted up and bruised hand, “Um.” You tilt your head as you take his hand, “Y/n.”

You couldn’t lie, your heart started pounding a little harder when your eyes were met with his bruised knuckles.

It wasn’t something you were really expecting to see right off the bat, but you still felt - safe.

You look up at him and a smile spreads across his have as you speak, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Are you okay? Do you need like medical attention or something?”

He shakes his head, taking a sip of his drink, “Nah, nah. I’m alright, sweetheart.”

Your heart skips a beat and you can feel your cheeks growing redder.

“Thank you for asking.” He smiles and you nod, “I mean, if you say so.” You laugh slightly, eyes moving back down to fixate on your freshly manicured hand in his.

The deep colored bruising and the dark red scabs not only intrigued you in a, what do you do on a daily basis kind of way, but also in a wow nothing has ever turned you on like this before way, too.

“You can ask.” Jake’s voice causes your eyes to snap up to his, “what?”

He chuckles, sipping on his drink, “I said. You can ask.”

“Uh, ask what?” You play dumb and Jake squeezes your fingers that are still lingering on his palm. He leans in and his eyes move from your lips to your eyes, “Ask me what I do to make my hands look like this.”

You felt your stomach flip and you tilt your head slightly as your eyes move between his.

A slight smirk plays with your lips, “Tell me, Jake.” You circle his palm with your fingers slowly, “What do you do to get your hands all beat up like this?”

Jake looks up at the clock, “Actually, come with me.”

Usually, a guy telling a girl he just met to, come with me, would usually raise red flags, but you’ve basically held Jake’s hand the whole time have been sitting here chatting.

Jake, as already said, and still as weird as it sounds, makes you feel safe, so you had no problem following him to his car.

“Here. You can put your bags in there for now.” You nod as you watch him open the back door. You nod and toss your duffle in before Jake lifts your suitcase and lays it on the seat, “Alright.” He closes the door and holds his hand out, “Follow me.”

You take his hand, waking with him around the building of the bar you were just in, “Where are we going?” You ask as you walk under Jake’s arm.

He turns, arm still on the door, a smirk on his lips as you look back at him, “You scared, darlin’?”

A smirk grows on your lips as you shake your head, “No. I trust you.”

He nods, taking your hand into his again, “Atta girl.”

You smile to yourself as you look around once you reach the bottom of the long staircase, “What is this place? Looks like an old subway station.” Your eyes fall to him as he stops and you can hear faint shouting and chanting coming from, somewhere.

Jake reaches for the handle of the old door, “You’re good.” Your eyes watch as his busted up and ring cladded fingers wrap around the handle, “And this..” he opens the door, “..Is how my hands get all fucked up.”

You raise your brows and he nods towards the open door, “Just stay with me. You’ll be good.”

You walk in and the shouting grows louder the further into the green lit room you go. Jake walks you up to a balcony and your eyes scan down over the scene below you, taking in what you’re actually witnessing.

You take a sharp breath as the one guy below in a ring formed by the, what you can only assume is, members, takes a bad punch to the jaw.

“Knocked out.” Jake says in a low voice as he leans in towards you. You smile slightly, “So what..” you bite your lip and look up at him, “You fight for a living?”

Jake turns around, crossing his arms as he puts an unlit cigarette in between his lips, “You can say that.”

“I know he’s here!” A guy, who is very angry, yells which catches both of your attentions. You lean over and Jake stops you from going any further by putting his hand flat on your chest.

You look from Jake, back down to the pit below you, and see a guy spinning around slowly, looking at each crowd member in the face, “Webber. Where the fuck you at, brother?”

You look over at Jake who shakes his head laughing, “I knew he’d show up sooner or later.” Jake flicks the ash off of his cigarette.

“Is he looking for you?” You ask as your brows shoot upward. Jake nods, “Uh huh.” He lets out an exaggerated sigh and holds the burning cigarette between his lips as he starts to take his rings off.

He extends his hand out to you, “Can you be a doll and hold these for me, please?”

You nod, looking down to your hand as you bring it up and open it, allowing him to drop his collection of rings into your palm.

He flashes you a smile, “Thanks, now stay close to me on the way down and at the front of the ring when I’m in it, got it?.”

You give him a few nods as you stuff his rings into your pocket before quickly taking his hand, following him down a rickety looking spiral staircase.

Everyone looks towards you and Jake. Their eyes moving between the two of you, and right now. In this moment, you have never felt so out of place somewhere - and your cream colored cardigan was surely bound to make you stick out like a sore thumb.

Jake pulls you through the crowd, his grip tight on your body. You did feel super safe with him, especially now with knowing he can actually fight. You stop as you get to the opening and Jake shrugs off his jacket, “Heard you were lookin’ for me.”

Your eyes scan up and down his back. His tattoos, scars, fresh and old bruises moving with his muscles.

You take his jacket as he extends his arm back, almost like muscle memory. The guy cracks his knuckles and then lifts his hand to his chin, “Wanted to take a crack at knocking you down from your rankin’ a lil bit.”

You were interested to know what Jake’s rank was.

He cracks his neck and Jake puts his hand to his ear, “And what rank would that be?”

The guy across from him laughs, “I’m here to remove your title as undefeated champion, Mr. Jake Webber.”

Undefeated champion.. You feel your heart beat harder when you hear the words roar off his tongue. Your breath gets caught in your throat.

You were the safest person in this room.

Jake slips his shirt off over his head, you also take that and drape it over his jacket. Jake quickly stretches his arms a few times and shrugs, “Let’s see you try.”

He motions with his hand, “Bring it, big boy.”

Even though you were smiling behind your fingers, you were nervously chewing on your nails, too. You just met this guy and if he gets hurt, it’s like you’d be able to feel the pain, too.

The guy wasn’t any bigger than Jake, though. Well, ego wise, definitely.

Jake looked back at you, giving you a wink before looking back at the guy walking over to him, fists balled and ready to swing.

You hold your breath as you wait for the first punch to be thrown.

Jake moves, getting them to walk in a circle, getting the crowd amped up right before the guy swings on Jake, groaning in frustration when Jake dodges it.

The longer you stood there, watching it all play out, the more you felt like you belonged there, and walking in with Jake really seemed to help that - hell, especially now with knowing he’s an undefeated champ and all.

Jake swings, popping the guy in his jaw and he laughs, “I think you have the theater and the ring mixed up, there pal.” Jake shoots, cocking his head, “I’m here to fight, not dance.”

The guy lets out a loud yell as he runs towards Jake, and you gasp as Jake’s back meets the dark, blood stained concrete below him.

The guy pulls his arm back just to swing but Jake quickly manages to escape and get two punches to his face before scurrying to stand up.

You were impressed, absolutely mesmerized with seeing Jake like this. The sweat glistening off his body in the glowing green lights.

The way he can take more than a punch and not bat an eye, fuck. You practically had to wipe the drool off of your chin before anyone noticed.

“Come on, Jake.” You mumble to yourself, bouncing up and down in your spot. Jake’s head snaps to the left as he eats another punch, his cheek busted open slightly, but not as bad as the other guys. Yet.

Your lip is pulled tightly between your teeth, biting down harder each time Jake gets hit. Your eyes watch as he stumbles back, falling at your feet.

Before you can bend down to try and help him, he’s already halfway up your body.

You knew what was coming, as he drug his face up extremely really close to yours.

Your heart is beating at a high rate speed. His lips press to yours, giving you a sloppy, but still the hottest kiss you’ve ever received in your life, before he pulls away, a cocky smirk on his face.

The crowd goes absolutely mad, but you ignore that as you hold your stare on Jake. Focusing on him to get yet, another win.

You were also too into watching him completely obliterate this prick, to realize that Jake’s blood was smeared on to your face now, too.

“Alright. Alright.” A guy goes out, pulling Jake off of the weakened figure lying on the ground. Jake stands up, turning out and holding his arm up.

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

And so do you.

The arm that isn’t holding his jacket gets thrown into the air as you jump up and down smiling at the people around you.

You were so proud of him, and he noticed that right away.

Jake looks around for a second before locking his eyes onto you again. He smirks and nods his head, cocking his jaw as he snatches the money from the guy’s hand and immediately walks over to you.

“That was so ho-“

He cuts you off as he pulls you into him, his arms going around your waist to lift you up off the ground as his lips meet yours.

You don’t even cringe at the new blood mixing with the dried blood on your face,

“C’mon.” Jake sets you down on your feet, arm still around your body, “Let’s get out of here.”

He leads you up the steps and back out into the hall, immediately pressing your back against the old brick wall. His hands cup your cheeks, thumb smearing his blood over your skin, “You look so pretty with my blood on your face.”

You smile and lick your lips, “Sorry for being so blunt but you are incredibly, fucking hot.”

He pulls you in and kisses over your cheek to your lips, “I hope you don’t have any plans tonight, because you’re coming home with me.”

You rest your head back against the wall and bite your lip, “As a matter of fact, my schedule is free.”

He smiles down at you, “Good.” He steps back pulling the dented pack of cigarettes from his pocket, offering you one before taking one for himself.

“Sure.” You smile, “I can get you a n-“

“No need.” He lifts the lighter and you inhale as the end starts to burn. You close your eyes, feeling the buzz from the nicotine do its thing.

“Come on.” He extends his hand out, waiting for you to take it before he behind leading you towards the exit door. He holds it open, his head moving as he watches you walk by him and he’s immediately back to holding you against him as he walks you back around the bar to his car.

“You sure you want to come home with me?” Jake asks as he opens his car door. You look up at him, “I promise, me falling for a serial killer wouldn’t be the absolute worst thing to happen to me.”

“That’s.. actually..” Jake laughs slightly, “I’m sorry?”

You laugh, shaking your head, “That’s a story for another time.” You go to get in the car but stop, looking back up at him, “If I even make it that long.”

Jake laughs, rolling his eyes as he sighs, “Only time will tell.” He laughs again as he shuts the door and jogs around to get in.

“So can I ask about.. that..” you motion to where you walked from and Jake nods, “Of course. What do you want to know, sweetheart?”

Jake starts driving and you purse your lips, “How do you know when you’re done fighting, like does it have to end in a knockout, or whatever?”

Jake reaches over and your hand instantly moves to interlock your fingers with his, “So basically..” he chuckles slightly, “It’s not over until I win, but yeah. Most of the time it’s by knockout, or if your opponent taps out.”

“Have you had that happen?” You look over at him and he nods, “Oh yeah.” He laughs, “Plenty of times. Guys think they’re all big and bad until they realize they can bark but they can’t bite for shit.”

“Aren’t you scared?” You ask, quieter than the last and he looks over at you for a few seconds before looking back onto the headlight lit road, “Of what?”

You shrug, “I don’t know. Can’t you die doing that?”

“You can die doing anything, y/n.” Jake chuckles, waiting a few seconds before he continues, “I mean, I was at first.. I guess?”

He shrugs, “My first fight.” He clicks his tongue, “I remember this clear as fucking day. My friend told me about this underground fight club that his friend took him to, and you need to know people to get in to this, right?”

You nod, smiling at the excitement in his tone, “Next thing I know, Colby is pushing me into this ring and I come out two hundred dollars richer. So I started working out, boxing mainly just so I can stay in shape with this.”

“I mean.” You shrug, biting down on your lip, “The way you held onto that..” You furrow your brows, “Oh what is it?”

He looks over at you confused and you smirk as you squeeze his hand with each word, “Undefeated champion?”

He smirks and shakes his head, smiling big as he pulls into the parking stall, “Oh..Did I forget to mention that?” He looks over at you and you nod, “I mean, I guess I can let it slide.”

“Yeah?” Jake asks tilting his head.

You smirk over at him, unbuckling your seatbelt before you lean in, “Yeah.”

Jake’s seatbelt is undone and he’s closing the space between you with his hands on your cheeks and lips on yours.

You moan lowly against his lips and push yourself up off the seat to lean more into him.

Jake slides his hands over your shoulders and down your arms, “Mm, alright. Come on. I need to wash this off.” He nods down towards his hands as he leans back.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind, I’d like to take a look at your cheek, too.”

Jake stares at you for a few seconds and your brow twitches, “Is that.. did I cross a line?”

He shakes his head, hand reaching over to gently cup your face, “No, not at all.” His thumb gently brushes over the dried red marks, “Just never had anyone who cared about me like that.”

You lay your hand on his wrist, patting gently, “Well, you’re giving me a place to stay tonight, so I feel like if I can help out in anyway-“

“Stop that.”

“Stop what?” You laugh, looking up at him, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just, I basically left home without a trace, looking for somewhere no one knew what my name was.”

“So why did you tell me what it was, y/n?” Jake tries to fight back a smirk and you shrug, “I think I just knew I’d be safe with you.”

You were like a shot of espresso to Jake.

As soon as he seen you, he couldn’t shake this constant feeling that he needed to know you, and to say that he was shocked when you obliged to go with him on a random side quest in the middle of the night was an understatement.

“Y’know..” Jake says, hand still laying on your cheek, “That was my best fight, and I’ve been doing this for..” he blows out a breath of air, “Four years now?”

“Because of the guy calling you out?” You tilt your head into his hand more and Jake’s eyes immediately move to your face, voice low as he subtly shakes his head, “Because you were there.”

“Me?” You ask as if he was talking to someone else, which gets him to laugh, “Yes, sweetheart. You.”

You shift around in your seat, the more you sat here and just talked with Jake, you’re finding out all you need to know - and you weren’t leaving without him.

“Can we.. go inside.” You move your eyes to meet his and he nods, “Fuck yeah we can go inside. Hold on.”

He gets out, running around to open up the back door of his car to retrieve your luggage before moving to open up your door, “Okay, here we are.”

You smile up at him, shaking your head as you take his hand to get out of the car, “Thank you.”

He nods, “Silver key, top lock. I got these.” He motions to your bags and you just cannot stop smiling with him, “Okay.”

You take the keys from Jake’s hands, your fingers brushing against his and you feel that same adrenaline you felt back at the fight, starting to course through your veins.

You swallow, turning on your heel to walk up towards his door. Jake’s eyes were burning into your back, he knew there was something about you, just like there was something about him.

You push the door open, moving out of the way for Jake to go in but he stops, “Ladies first.”

You feel shy and giddy around him.

You’ve never felt this was with anyone. You always close everyone out, scared to let them in, but maybe you needed this change.

Maybe this change came with added bonuses, but you weren’t complaining, not anymore.

You walk in, turning around after finding the lights, to see what you can help Jake with, “Don’t your hands hurt, Jake?” Your eyes move from his face to his hands, “They look like they do.”

He shakes his head as he walks over to you, finger tilting your chin up so he can kiss you, “Mm fine, love. Okay.” His lips go back to pecking yours and you slide your hands up his chest, “Is this a one night stand?”

“This is whatever you want it to be, baby.” Jake kisses down your neck, “I just have this feeling like you’re supposed to be in my life.”

You lean back slightly, nodding as you look at him, “That’s how I feel.”

His hands slide down your sides before he gasps, “Oh shit.” He pulls your cardigan towards him, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think I-“

“It’s okay. Do you have a washer?” You look up at him, not really worried about the blood. He nods and you smile, “Then I’ll just wash it later.”

You eye the mark on his cheek, but he kisses you to distract right before you can say anything about it.

He backs you up into the wall, his hands slipping under your t-shirt to grip the skin of your waist, “We don’t ha-“

“I want to.” You cut him off, quickly regaining his lips back onto yours. He bends down slightly, tapping the back of your thighs and you jump into his grasp.

He puts one hand on the wall while the other moves to your neck, gripping gently as his hips hold you up.

Your lips part as he slowly squeezes tighter, a moan slipping out as your eyes roll back.

Jake’s lips pepper your face in kisses before he releases his grip, “Bed then shower?”

“Yes.” You whimper out, “please.”

Jake smirks, setting you down on your feet so he can lead you up to his room. It would be a lie to say you made it there without your hands roaming each others bodies.

You were eager to see him shirtless again, the sight alone had you swimming in a pool of your own lust.

As soon as you’re in the room and the doors shut, clothes start flying off. Each of you taking turns to undress the other, getting to impatient so you revert to ripping your own clothes off.

Jake tackles you onto the bed, his lips trailing hungry kisses up and down your neck and over your collar bones, “you are so beautiful.”

You run your hands through his hair, just now realizing he managed to keep his beanie on the whole time he was fighting, “Wait.”

Jake looks up, a nervous look on his face and you smile as you shake your head, “No I still want to do that.” A look of relief washes over him as you laugh slightly, “I just realized that you kept your beanie on your whole fight.”

Jake laughs, “That’s because he hits like a bitch.” His eyes scan over your face, “I’m so glad you were there.”

You smile, “I’m glad I got the last flight to LA.”

He leans in, kissing your lips as you feel the tip of his cock rub the outside of your pussy, “Jake.” You slide your hand down, earning a gasp from him as you wrap your hand around his cock to guide it inside of you.

“Oh shit.” Jake groans, bucking his lips slightly which makes you dig your nails into his shoulders, “Fuck.”

You let out a whine as you dig your heels into his lower back, urging him to go all in, “P-please.”

You look up at him, his lips parted as he moves to brush hair from your face, “I need to just.. fuck you feel so good.” He moans against your lips, slowly pushing his cock into you more, “I’m going to ruin you in the best ways possible.”

You whimper at his words, “I trust you.”

You could tell by Jake’s delayed reaction that, I trust you, wasn’t something he heard often anymore. Which is true, he took everything anyone said anymore with a grain of salt.

Mainly the girls he actually tried to give the time of day to, but with you, it’s like he was told directly by the being that created you - you were his and he was yours.

“You don’t have to-“

Jake cuts you off, “I trust you, too.”

You smile, biting down on your lip when he shifts his hips slightly, “Shit.”

Jake’s hand returns to your throat, squeezing slowly as his hips start to move, “You feel so good.” His lips are right by your ear, his voice low, “Gonna make you mine.”

Your back arches up off the bed as he thrusts his cock into you, hard. A moan is ripped from your throat as your legs tighten around his waist.

His thrusts are hard, almost punishing.

But if Jake thinks you’re the least bit uncomfortable, he stops to make sure you’re okay, and you honestly loved that.

“You okay? You’re kinda starin’ up at me in a daze, babe.” Jake laughs slightly and you nod, “it’s your cheek, I think you opened up your cut again.”

Jake brings a hand to his cheek, thumb rubbing over the freshly leaked blood, “Mm.” He winces slightly, “These are always the worst ones for me.”

“Do you want-“

“No.” Jake turns his attention back onto you, “You’re all I want to focus on right now, okay?” He bites his lip as his eyes move to his red colored thumb, “Can I?”

You glance over and nod, looking up at him as he starts to slowly thrusts again. Your brows furrow and your face twists with pleasure as he brings his thumb over, dragging a red streak down your cheek.

He groans at the image, hand snapping down to your hip as his thrusts grow harder.

Your hands find themselves entangled within his hair, moaning out as he attacks your neck, leaving little purple marks scattered all over your skin.

You earn a groan from him when you pull, squeezing his cock tighter with the walls of your needy cunt.

“You keep doin’ that an I’m about to be done for.” Jake groans, “Fuck, baby. Doing so good.”

You whimper at his praise, arching your back and he takes the time to slip his arm under, holding you to him as your legs fall to rest over his thighs.

He uses his other arm to hold up his weight as he thrusts into you at a, now faster, pace.

He had you screaming at this point, the tip of his cock continuing to bottom out against your best up cervix, you knew you were going to be sore tomorrow.

“Need you to cum for me.” He breathes out, “Can you do that for me?”

You nod your head quickly, eyes screwing shut as you listen to his praise continue, “Such a good girl for me.”

“Taking me so well, sweetheart.”

“Fuck, yes, just like that. Oh fuck, just like that.”

Your vision goes white and your grip on Jake tightens as you moan loudly into his ear.

“That’s my girl.” Jake moans, his thrusts growing more sloppy by the second, “Where do you want me?”

Your legs tighten around his waist, answering his question - just in the nick of time, too. You feel his cock twitch inside of you, his cum being held in by his slowly softening cock.

“Fuck.” You breathe out as you look up at him, pushing his sticky from sweat hair off of his forehead.

He nods, smiling as he lays beside you, “Agreed.”

His hand searches for yours, and when he finds it, your fingers are instantly interlocked with his, taking a few moments just to lay there in the comfortable silence.

“Do you want to go for a shower?” Jake asks, tilting his head up to look at you. You look over at him and nod, “Only if you get one with me.”

“That was the only way I was offering it.” Jake smirks, moving to stand up, “Come on, my little fighter. Gotta wash this blood off your face.”

——

I hope you liked this! Tell me your thoughts! I love you all so much, thank you for reading! 🖤

Likes and reblogs are majorly appreciated!

[sidekick-hero]

(steddie | 2.4k | teen | tags: future fic, steddie in their 40s, second chances, mutual pining, happy ending | @steddielovemonth Love is the hope for a future together by@acasualcrossfade | AO3)

"I don't know, Robbie. I mean, it's been years! Even if there ever was a 'spark' between us, it's probably long gone."

He doesn't look over at Robin as he says this, pretending to be engrossed in grading papers. They both know that he hasn't made a single mark on the paper in front of him since Robin burst into his house with her spare key and announced, "Eddie's coming to the wedding."

"Inside voice," he had chided her, even though April was at her friend's house doing a school project. Old habits die hard.

Plopping down next to him at the kitchen table, Robin had happily ignored him as she continued, "Lucas just called me, it's going to be a surprise for Dustin. Eddie's finishing the tour two days early, so he's coming straight from the airport. But he will be there, Steve!"

Trying his best not to show how his heart had started beating faster as soon as Robin had mentioned Eddie's name, Steve had shrugged nonchalantly. "That's nice, Robbie. Dustin will be over the moon."

"That's nice, Robbie." She repeated in a surprisingly good imitation of his tone. They definitely spent too much time together. "You can act indifferent all you want, Steve. I was there when you refused to leave the house for a whole week when Eddie went to LA, remember? I held your hair when you puked your guts out after drowning your sorrows when Eddie brought what's-his-face to Max and Lucas' wedding. You two belong together, Steve! You just had bad timing. You've never both been single at the same time - until now. That must mean something. Maybe he's not just coming for Dustin, that's all I'm saying."

Which had actually led them to discuss whether Steve should put them all out of their misery by finally growing a pair (Robin's words) or decide that whatever had been between them that summer, when Eddie had recovered from almost being eaten alive by demobats, was long gone (Steve's words).

"I beg to differ, Dingus. I saw the way he looked at you at our little 'Fuck Off Upside Down' anniversary party. He spilled his beer when you walked in the room, Steve. No one else did."

"He's clumsy. You know that. I'm surprised he never fell off the stage," Steve jokes. He's not sure who he's trying to convince, Robin or himself.

Robin's expression changes to something more serious as she puts her hand on top of his, still holding his red grading pen in a white-knuckled grip. "Steve, listen. I'm not saying you have to do anything. You and Eddie have been friends for almost twenty years. We've all been. You're not going to lose him no matter what you decide. But," and here she takes a deep breath, "I just want you to be happy, Steve. You deserve to be happy. And I know that you're not unhappy, I know that. You've got April and you've got me and you've got the kids, even though they're scattered all over the country. But I also know that you've never stopped imagining a future with him, have you?"

"He kissed me," Steve blurts out, and to Robin's credit, she doesn't react except for her hand on his to twitch in surprise. She makes a questioning sound in her throat, clearly waiting for more.

"The night before he left. We had this big going-away bash, remember?" She nods. "We all got pretty drunk after the kids left and you and Vicky had gone to sleep in the guest room and I had offered to sleep on the couch so Eddie could have my bed. His back was still bothering him and he had a long drive ahead of him the next day. But he insisted on sharing and I was too drunk and tired to argue. The next morning he got up very early, probably thinking I was still asleep when he got dressed and left. Only he didn't leave. At least not right away. He came over to the bed and kissed me. On the mouth. And he said, 'You'll always be my almost, Stevie.'"

Robin looks at him with wide eyes, and Steve thinks that maybe he should have told her sooner, that maybe he violated some code between them because they tell each other everything. But something about this morning had felt, well, almost sacred in a way. As if putting it into words would make it less so.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Robbie. I just..."

"You had to keep it to yourself so it would always be the one dream you could turn to?" Robin suggests in a soft voice, and Steve wouldn't have said it like that, but she's right. Every date that didn't feel right, every relationship that went down the drain, hell, even when his marriage imploded on him, he thought of that one kiss and dreamed of a life where Eddie would have stayed. Or where Steve had followed him.

"Oh Dingus." Suddenly, Robin's arms wrapped around him in a hug, and it wasn't until he saw the wetness on her shirt that he realized he was crying. "I can't promise you it'll work, but I really think you should talk to him. Your life doesn't end at 40, Steve. You can still have the future you've always dreamed of."

Steve nods against her shoulder, tightening his grip on the best thing that has ever happened to him besides April.

Dustin and El's wedding is a small affair, just family and close friends, which is basically the same in their group.

Steve tries his best not to show his inner turmoil and mostly succeeds. There are handshakes that turn into tight hugs, hellos that turn into stories about kids and grandkids, neighbors, vacations, jobs, life. It's great to see everyone. It also helps distract him from the butterflies that have taken up permanent residence in his stomach for over a week now.

It works until everyone is about to take their seats and Eddie still hasn't shown up. He's supposed to be one of Dustin's groomsmen, along with Lucas and Mike and Will, while Steve is actually Dustin's best man. He only cried a little when Dustin asked him to.

Just as the officiant is ready to start without him, the heavy double doors open and Eddie walks in like Aragorn into Helm's Deep (Dustin insisted that Steve watch the movies if he didn't want to read the books, and Steve may have thought of Eddie more than once while watching Aragorn, sue him).

He rushes to his spot next to the other groomsmen, ruffles Dustin's hair as he passes him, and mumbles, "Sorry, shrimp, the airport lost my luggage." Then his eyes fall on Steve and he freezes for a moment before giving him a bright, dimpled smile. "Hey, Stevie," he whispers before stepping to the end of the line of groomsmen.

Steve is glad that Hopper is recording the whole ceremony, because he doesn't hear a thing that's being said.

Later, everyone gathers in the dining room and Hopper and Claudia each give a heartfelt speech before it's Steve's turn. He has everyone toast to Dustin and El's future, because while the past may have brought them together, it's the future that belongs to them and their love. He forces himself not to look at Eddie as he says this, knowing that his face would give away his thoughts.

And then Eddie stands up to say a few words as well, something no one expected him to do.

"I've known Dustin for 20 years now, and the only time I ever doubted that he was a genius was when he let El go without a fight. But you know what? I was wrong. Dustin and El may have taken the scenic route to get here," Eddie tells the guests, "but sometimes that's the best way to get somewhere. If you're willing to take the long and winding road, the road less traveled, as Frost would say, you know that whatever's at the other end is worth it."

Steve desperately wants to believe that Eddie is not just talking about Dustin and El, but he doesn't even look at Steve when he says that. He just sits down again next to Robin at the table right next to the one where Steve is sitting with Dustin and El and their parents, because Steve is part of the family, too, as Claudia had pointed out.

The rest of the evening is kind of a blur until everyone gets up to go to the ballroom where the dance floor has been set up. Dustin and El open with their first dance, "You and Me" by Lifehouse, and Steve has never been prouder of his little brother as he watches him lead El across the dance floor with the biggest, toothiest smile on his face.

"They've come a long way, huh?" says a voice next to him and Steve doesn't have to turn around to know it's Eddie.

"Yeah. I'm glad they made it." Steve agrees, his eyes never leaving the dancing couple. More and more people are joining them now, and Steve can feel the fond smile on his face grow.

Eddie's hand rests on his arm as he steps around Steve to face him. He extends his other hand to Steve, palm up, and asks, "May I have the pleasure of this dance with you?"

As if Steve could ever say no to Eddie.

Just as they step onto the dance floor, "You and Me" fades out and the next song begins. It's "Unchained Melody" and Steve suspects that Robin had a hand in it. It's the song Steve listened to a lot after Eddie left and she once complained that he ruined the song for her. Apparently not enough to put it on the playlist when he and Eddie hit the dance floor.

"I always kind of liked that song," Eddie tells him, and Steve snorts. "No, really! It's not really metal, but I don't know. I just feel it, you know? It's real." Eddie explains, veering close to rambling territory.

"Is that so?" Steve has to ask as he slowly sways, his hand in Eddie's and his arm wrapped around Eddie's waist.

Eddie hums quietly in agreement. "Back in '86, when I was trying to settle down in LA, I used to listen to it for hours." Eddie admits quietly and Steve's heart is suddenly in his throat. "I felt every single word and every single word made me think about what I was leaving behind."

"Eddie," Steve begins, only to be gently silenced by Eddie's finger against his lips.

"Please, Stevie, I have to say this now or I never will. So please, just listen, yeah?"

Steve crosses his eyes to look pointedly at Eddie's finger against his lips before looking back up at Eddie, who snorts at the gesture. "Brat," he teases, taking his finger away.

"Okay, I'm listening," Steve tells him, and mimics zipping his lips.

Eddie's eyes sparkle with amusement and affection, and something deeper. Something that makes the seeds of hope in Steve's chest tentatively open and reach for their sun.

"Stevie, sweetheart, you certainly know... I mean, you must know that I..." Eddie rambles and Steve has never seen him so lost for words. He doesn't say anything, but he brings their joined hands to his mouth and kisses Eddie's in silent reassurance.

Eddie's eyes find his and the expression in them is so unbearably soft that Steve almost has to look away. No one has ever looked at him like that before. "You were always the one who got away, Steve. My almost. Even when I was with other people, you were there. On every stage, in every hotel room, on every stretch of highway, you were there. And I almost told myself it just wasn't meant to be. I had you as a friend and that was a gift I never thought I would have, I shouldn't be greedy and ask for more."

He takes a deep breath, like he's steeling himself, gathering every ounce of that incredible courage Steve has seen time and time again, even as Eddie keeps insisting he's a coward. Steve knows better, and Eddie's next words prove him right once again.

"But the funny thing is, it never stopped me from hoping for a future with you."

They stop dancing, if you can call what they were doing dancing, and look at each other, eyes searching for answers. For reasons to hope.

Steve is the first to break the silence, a soft grin on his face. "May I speak now?"

That makes Eddie laugh softly and he nods.

"Is this what you want? A future with me? Because that means a future with a middle school teacher with a little pet tornado who's currently staying with her mom. You have to mean it for her as much as you mean it for me. This means being all in, Eddie."

Steve hates that he has to say this, that he can't just fall into Eddie's arms and kiss him senseless. But Eddie needs to know what a future with Steve means. If he wasn't sure he wanted that kind of future, then they couldn't have one together. At least not the way they both wanted it.

Eddie cupped Steve's cheek in his hand, his smile growing with every blink of his chocolate eyes. "Steve, I know who you are. I know what it would mean to be with you, and I want it so much that I can barely stand another day without it. I love your little pet Tornado, she's adorable and funny and she has great taste in music. No idea where she got that from, though," Eddie teases before sobering up. "I want to be a family. This tour was our last for at least two years. The guys need a break and so do I. And after that, we don't know yet, but whatever it is, it will be something we agree on together. You and me and April."

Maybe Steve should ask more questions, be more cautious. But he's waited twenty years for this, and he can't wait another second to finally kiss the man he's always been in love with.

He's ready for his future to begin.

[elektramustdie]

Missed this.

You and Ryan had been apart way too long. While you loved when he was on tour because of how much he loved his fans and performing, you hated being apart from him. 

But it was moments like this, when you finally reunited and all hell broke loose, that made it all worth it.

"I've missed you so fucking much baby" Ryan groaned against your mouth, frantically tugging up the skirt you wore specifically for this occasion.

You had gone from the airport straight to the arena where his band were performing. You couldn't get a flight at any other time, and there was no way you were waiting until after the show to see your husband.

With your bags sent to the hotel, and your panties removed and tucked into your bag as soon as you got off the plane, you were ready to reunite with the love of your life.

"I missed you too lovey, so so much I couldn't breathe" you gasped, popping the button of his pants undone as your head tilted back to expose your neck to his lips.

"Can't have that can we darling, I need you alive and breathing... always" he began marking a particular spot on your neck, the place he knew drove you absolutely wild. His fingers caressed your bare mound, slipping lower to collect the arousal between your folds. "Always wet for me aren't you, even kept your pussy free so I could play"

"If you want me breathing then don't leave me alone, could have me wet for you all the time if you weren't touring..." you didn't mean it, not really. But Ryan knew you were only teasing him, making him feel bad so he'd fuck you like you wanted.

"Yeah? Left my favourite girl all alone, didn't I? How do I make it up to you baby?" he kissed you again, spreading your thighs wider on the table as you pulled his cock out of his undid pants, jerking him off in gentle strokes.

Ryan had kicked everyone out of the dressing room as soon as he saw you. He assumed you'd be waiting at the hotel for him when he got back, so he was utterly surprised when you showed up at the arena in his favourite skirt and those strappy heels that drove him so crazy he wanted to fuck you while you wore those and only those.

He had you on top of the makeshift makeup table quicker than you could say hello to the other boys, his lips on yours before he said a word. It was all so rushed and dirty, and you loved how much he still lusted over you.

"Fuck me like I deserve Ryan, make me cum around you" you begged, slipping your fingers in his hair and looking up to him with doe eyes you knew he adored while your other hand guided his cock to your cunt.

Ryan would've done anything you wanted when you looked at him like that.

"As you wish princess"

He hooked your legs over his arms so your knees were close to your chest, your hand dropping to the table to keep yourself balanced. He pushed in quickly and in one go, a choked cry that Ryan had to muffle with his mouth escaping you. 

He felt so good, too good even, and you had missed the way he filled you up so well, hitting every spot inside you without even moving.

Ryan began thrusting in at a fast pace, knowing he had to make you cum as quick as possible so the two of you could get redressed and the other boys could come back in. They knew what you two were doing in here, so there was a good chance they wouldn't want to come back in any way until the room had been cleared of the smell of sex.

You gripped his hair tight in your hand, biting down hard on your lip as you tried to quieten your sounds. While the boys knew what you were doing, you didn't need some poor crew member hearing you cry out around your husband's cock.

"You like it when I fuck you like this? Yeah you do. Look at you, already clenching around me like you're cock starved" he teased, the pure look of ecstasy evident on your face.

"Mhmm... feels so good, oh god Ry I've missed this-missed your cock" you whined, clenching your core around him as his thrusts continued bruising your insides. You knew you'd be sore, but you didn't care one bit, not when it felt this good to have him fuck you this hard.

Ryan pushed you to lay flat and pressed your thighs together, holding them against your chest in one hand as he pressed his thumb to your swollen clit with the other. You slammed your hand against your mouth to hide the scream that erupted at the feeling of him touching your clit.

He smirked at the sight of you desperately trying to hide your noise behind your hand, “Look at you pretending to be concerned of other people hearing you, bet my filthy girl actually wants everyone to hear how good your husband’s making you feel, don’t you? Want everyone to know that I’m yours and you’re mine, don’t you princess?”

You nodded frantically, tears welling up in your eyes at the tight pinch building in your core. You would’ve done anything for him to make you cum.

“Say it” he demanded, rubbing harder against your clit in a motion that had your back arching up from the table.

“Y-yes! Want everyone to know” you could barely form a sentence, “Make me cum, please baby, please... need it so bad” you gasped, trying to hold your orgasm off until Ryan said that you could cum. 

“You’re so good asking permission baby, you can cum whenever you’re ready... Fuck, I love you so much” He leaned over you to give you a deep kiss, the deeper angle making you cum instantly.

Your legs tightened, freezing against your chest while your body vibrated as your orgasm rushed through your core in white hot pleasure. You cried out against his mouth, fisting his hair as your clit pulsed, coming down from the high of your orgasm.

Ryan came soon after, only a few more thrusts being enough to have his hot cum shooting into you and filling you to the brim, leaking onto the table when there wasn’t anymore room. He sighed and slumped against you, his head falling to your chest as he let your legs fall open on either side of him to accomodate his body. 

“I love you so much Ry” you sighed, lifting his head so you could kiss him again. 

“Love you more, baby, ‘m so happy to see you” he smiled, standing straight and pulling you up into a sitting position. You winced at the movement, watching him slowly pull out of you. 

Cum poured out of you and onto the table in an instant, making you both moan out loud at the sight. Ryan dipped his fingers into your heat, collecting your mixed climaxes on two fingers before bringing them to your lips.

You happily licked his fingers clean, keeping it on your tongue as you brought Ryan in for another kiss. Your tongues flicked against each other, moaning while a mix of cum and spit was exchanged between your mouths in a way that was so filthy it riled both of you up again, Ryan’s cock hardening against your thigh.

The two of you were like horny teenagers, and you would’ve happily used Ryan’s cum as lube to fuck again if it weren’t for the loud banging that started on the dressing room door. 

“Hurry the fuck up in there and light a candle, I need to shit” His band mate yelled through the door, you both groaned.

Moment ruined for sure... but there was always later when you got back to your hotel suite...

[thewulf]

Time is a Gift || Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw

Summary: Can I request a Bradley x Reader where they are really good friends (can be stationed anywhere idc) and reader just lost a really important family member to her (mom/dad/brother/sister) and only Bradley really knows her pain of losing somebody you love so young... Read Rest Here

A/N: Very sad but sweet. Goes out to those who've lost somebody close too soon. Thank you for the request!

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Y/N

Word Count: 2.7k +

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to be here for the rest of your life. You still had so much to learn from her. She was supposed to be there for your wedding, if that was ever going to happen, for the birth of your children. She was supposed to be the world’s best grandma. But she never even got the chance.

 An aneurysm took her from the world two weeks ago. Your life changed entirely in those two weeks since you got the dreaded call.

One night you hung the phone up with an “I love you.” Then the next morning you got the call from your dad. She was gone. Just like that. At least it was painless. At least it was in her sleep. That’s the only thing that gave you any sort of solace. She didn’t suffer. But she was gone. Your mom. Momma. Mommy. Your rock. Just gone. Off into the night and never coming home.

Sure, you’d had your blow out fights with her when you were younger. But as you got older you got closer with her. She was your best friend. Your biggest cheerleader. Your number one confidant. The person you went to when you needed just about anything. Just gone. Poof. Like the wind.

It felt like you couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Merely going through the motions. A zombie of your former self. You didn’t even remember the funeral. You didn’t remember hugging your brother goodbye at the airport. You didn’t remember a damn thing that first week. Fragile. Broken. A shell of your former self.

Your dad dropped you off back in San Diego after the two weeks of leave you’ve been given. It all felt so pointless. So helpless. Your favorite thing in the world, flying, didn’t even spark an interest. The thought of going back to work in a few days made you physically ill. You couldn’t anymore. There wasn’t a point. This devastation of the reality of the situation hit you the hardest. She’d never got to meet the man you’d marry (or so you thought). She was robbed of so much. Her life cut impossibly short.

You and Bradley were normally tied at the hip. You all but ignored him for the last two weeks. Only giving him a few responses in your absence. It was hard to feel bad. It was hard to feel anything. It’s like she took a chunk of your soul when she departed the earth.

Bradley couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand not being able to talk to you. Talk you through it. He knew how it all felt. He knew better than anybody what it was like. His mom passed not that long ago. He could help you. But you wouldn’t take it. You refused it. Only giving him enough to know you were fucking alive.

He’d seen you at the funeral. But you were just a ghost of your former yourself. A body without it’s host. Something going through the motions. He’d tried in the small amount of time he got with you. It wasn’t enough. You were too far gone to hear anybody at that point.

He knew you were coming back today. When you didn’t answer his text, then the phone call, then another text he knew what he needed to do. He had to come to you. As your best friend. As the man who loved you more than anything in the world. As the man who was so enamored with you he couldn’t possibly imagine a life without you in it. Without your bright smile that made your eyes crinkle up in the corners. Without your infectious laughs that’d bring any sane man down to his knees. You’d helped him as much as he hoped he could help you. If you’d let him in.

He knocked on your door only to be met with utter silence. You had to be back though. Your car was moved into the driveway. You were home and you were isolating yourself. It broke his heart thinking how lost you must’ve been. Lost without somebody to guide you through the unimaginable.

The tears dried up after a week of crying. But the numbness… the numbness didn’t ever seem to fade. Not even when you slept. It only seemed to grow stronger. Take your over inch by inch day after day. You’d screamed and cried and let it all out, but she was still gone. You would never be able to talk to her again. Get her advice on a boy or an outfit. You’d never be able to cry into her shoulder when you got your heart broken again. She just didn’t exist anymore.

You heard the knocking. Oh, you heard it loud and clear. But you couldn’t get up. The bed was swallowing you, consuming your entirety. Not that you were upset about it. You wanted it to. What was the point? She was stripped right from you. A sick twist of fate.

You also heard the lock click open. The front door opened and closed softly. It was Bradley. You could tell just by the steps he took. By the sounds he made. He’d always had a spare key. For as long as you’d lived close to him he had a key to yours and you to his. For emergencies of course.

“Y/N?” He called from down the hall. Even if you wanted to there was no sound that came from your mouth. You pulled the comforter over your head. Maybe he wouldn’t see you. Maybe.

It didn’t work. He’d spotted you almost instantly. Because he was Bradley.

“Y/N?” It was a whisper now. He didn’t turn the light on as he walked into your bedroom. His heart shattering as he inched closer. He pulled the comforter down only to see your sallow face. Had you been eating? Were you even taking care of yourself?

“Hey, sweetheart.” He whispered bringing a comforting hand to your head. Softly, he brushed the tangled hair out of your face. Face contorting seeing you so… broken. You were usually so polished and poised. A brilliant smile always adorning your precious face. He was a sucker. A sucker so hopelessly in love it hurt. Seeing you like this made his sucker heart implode in itself.

You still hadn’t said a word. It made him more than nervous. He walked to the other side of the bed taking a seat in the spot next to you, “I’m here Y/N. I’m here.” He watched as you slowly rolled yourself to face him. Flicking your eyes up to his more than concerned face. It made you feel something. Something for the first time in two fucking weeks.

“Bradley…” You managed to croak out after not speaking for what felt like two weeks. The conversations were kept short between you and your grieving father.

His eyes softened even more as he witnessed the tears falling down your face, “Hey, I’m here.”

“I’m so tired.” The tears the seemed to have dried up were now freely falling from your face once again. He’d brough you back from the dead just by being there for you.

He nodded scooting a bit closer. Brushing the tears out of your face with his thumbs, “I know. Time doesn’t heal all wounds Y/N. You’ll miss her every damn day. Some days more than others. But there is a gift time gives us.” Gently, he palmed your chin to look in his direction, “Time softens the pain and blurs the painful memories.”

More tears raced down your cheek. Bradley opened the floodgate that seemed to be stuck closed. Your heart ached for him. Not even realizing how much you’d shut him out over the last few weeks. It hit you how bad you needed him right then and there as he inched his was closer and closer towards you.

He knew it too. He saw the flash come across your face. He saw the way your eyes downturned. He knew you through and through, “Come here.” He sat up on the bed so you could cuddle into him. Knowing exactly what you needed in that moment.

Immediately you pushed the comforter aside in favor of him, “Bradley.” A sob escaped your throat as you clung to his chest. Clung to something that was alive and breathing.

“I know sweetheart, I know.” He ran a few fingers through your hair after he pulled you all the way into his lap squeezing you tight. You were falling apart right in front of him. He had to be strong for you. Had to be the rock that was suddenly take from you.

“It hurts.” Your voice raised an octave. You felt like a six your old child having a meltdown. Your eyes were bloodshot from the salty tears that sprung back to life. Your nose was running like a faucet. You felt like you couldn’t breathe from the sobs that wracked your chest. You felt broken. Broken beyond repair. Not even sure if Bradley could help.

“Shh.” He pulled your head into the crevice of his neck and rocked you back and forth in his arms, “Remember that summer that was hotter than beyond belief? God what was that? Twenty some odd years ago now?” He knew he had to get you thinking about something else. Pull your pretty little head out of the deep dark spiral it was in.

You nodded into him. You were eight and he was ten. Your family had just moved in across the street the winter prior. Your parents had tried to get the two of you to play but neither of you were having it. Afterall girls had cooties and boys were disgusting. That was until you were playing outside one day. You’d caught a rogue football with ease. Bradley invited you to join him and some of his friends. Thank God you did because the rest was history.

“It was so hot. Over 100 degrees and mom wouldn’t let me come inside.” He smiled remembering how he felt like she was torturing him.

You hummed letting his talking take over, letting it completely distract you from reality. It felt good to be cuddled up in his arms. Like you were meant to be there.

“And your mom let me come inside for a freeze pop. A blue one.” Bradley grinned remembering. He always thought it was so funny how your brain held onto the seemingly most random memories. Little did he know why his brain held onto it. To help you right now. He understood why all the sudden.

“I remember thinking how lucky I was then. To have found you as a friend. Your mom treated me like her own son. I’d never felt so loved by somebody other than my mom.” He squeezed you just a bit tighter recalling that memory so vividly.

It made you smile. Somehow someway he’d done it. But then the tears started flowing again. Both happy and sad as you relished the memory. Happy you’d gotten to experience it but so sad you’d never get to make new ones with her.

“What is it?” He asked seeing the tears break free once more.

You sniffled for a moment trying to find the will to talk, “Bradley…” Another sob escaped you as you kept grabbing at his shirt. Feeling the material fist between your palms. It kept you grounded as you tried to come back to life.

“You can talk. You can cry. You can scream. You can punch me for all I care Y/N. Let it out sweetheart. I’m here for you. I’ll be here for you through it all.” He kept running his hand through your hair. He knew how much it normally soothed you just hoping it’d help a bit.

You held onto him. Held onto him like your life was dependent on it, “I wish it was me instead of her.”

He shook his head quickly before pulling you back. Looking you right in the eye and pleading with you, “Please don’t ever say that again. Please Y/N. You have to know how loved you are. How cherished you are by everyone you meet. You’re a light and we can’t live without you.” He paused a moment before adding, “I can’t live without you.”

It brought on another fresh set of tears. Ones you couldn’t pinpoint the emotions of. A mix of love, anguish, hurt, comfort, and everything in between seemed to roll down your cheeks once more. You’d wished you could stop. It never seemed like this would end. The world seemed to be showing you a much darker place lately.

He wrapped you back up. The worst is that he knew exactly how you felt. How your world was falling apart. Your person ripped fresh away from you. He wished he could take all the pain away from you. He wished and prayed. It wasn’t fair. But then again, when was it?

“I love you.” He whispered as he continued rocking you back and forth in his arms, “You are so adored.” He continued holding you.

“I’m so sorry.” You sounded a mess as you buried your face in his chest. You didn’t really wish your time on earth to be cut short. It was the sadness talking through you. Your mom would be so pissed you’d even say that.

He brought his hand up to cradle the side of your face into his chest. Almost as if you were a newborn baby. The overwhelming sense of comfort it brought on you was not lost. He was more than a best friend and you knew it. He knew it. But neither of you did anything about it. Comfortable in the state the two of you operated in. Nearly lovers but not quite. Tiptoeing on an invisible line.

“It’s okay.” He held you so close you found solace in the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Slow and steady, here to calm you. Everything about him seemed to relax you just a bit. He allowed you to breakdown so fully in front of him. He was prepared and ready to pick up the crumbling pieces of the delicately built house that was now toppling down on top of you. He was ready though. Ready to be there for you. Always waiting in the wings ready to catch you if you needed it.

“Time is a curse.” He kissed the top of your forehead as he’d done hundreds of times, “Time is a gift. A beautiful gift.” He let you soak that in before continuing. He wanted you to really process the words.

You sighed feeling utterly relaxed under the gentle rocking and his light touch. His all-encompassing grip he had on you. You breathed in the sweet scent of Bradley A mixture of soap, leather, and single malt scotch. A scent that soothed you more than you realized.

“Thank you Bradley.” It came out so faint, but he heard it. Gently, he gave your sides a squeeze.

He nodded his head to the rhythm of the rocking motion he had you in. You were slowly succumbing to the effects of it all. His heartbeat, his smell, him. You were on the brink of falling asleep on him, “You got it sweetheart.” He placed another gentle kiss to your forehead, “I was told that grief is just the absence of love. A place where love can’t flow. Redirect that love into something new.”

You nodded into him feeling the weight of the world slowly being lifted off your shoulders. Your eyes drooped as you held onto him like your life depended on it.

He had thought you might’ve fallen asleep before you spoke again, “I love you. You know.” Your eyes shuttered closed for what felt like the final time that night as sleep threatened to take over.

Bradley smiled. His grip on you only getting a little tighter as his fingers squeezed just a bit harder, “I know sweetheart.”

You hummed a sweet sound. A soft smile caressed your fast before your breathing slowed. He watched you as your slept on him. Making a few maneuvers in the bed he laid your head in his side pulling you close again. Still letting you hear his heartbeat but laying down this time.

“I love you too. More than you’ll ever know.” He placed one last kiss on your forehead before closing his eyes hoping to join you in a dreamless sleep.

Permanent Taglist (Message me or comment below if you want to be added!): @loving-and-dreaming @kmc1989 @memeorydotcom @matisse556 @dempy

[sugolara]

Begin

ft. Katsuki Bakugo x Shoto Todoroki x Izuku Midoriya x fem! reader

Synopsis: After a deadly virus leaks all over the world, every country is forced to close down it's borders and airports to prevent anyone from coming in and out. Though, it's to late for some people. The dead has rose and is looking for revenge. Cw: gore, quirkless! au, apocalypse! au, zombie! au, weapons, death, angst, lots and lots of blood, cannibalism, suicidal thoughts, slow burn

series m.list || next

The sound of trees swaying and their branches filled with leaves crashing onto nearby trees sounded peaceful to the h/c hired girl. The birds would occasionally chirp as some flew from the oak trees while others attended to their new chicks that had just hatched in their nest. She listened to the wind blowing near her ear and watched as the clouds passed by in the bright blue sky.

Her forehead began to collect beads of sweat as the blazing sun shined down on her figure. With her back resting on the uncomfortable road, she began to wonder just how long she had been laying, waiting for somebody to bring her back to reality.

Her movements were so still that if anyone were to spot her they'd think she was one of them; a rotter. A cruel vicious flesh eating monsters who preyed on the living, wiping out almost every human civilization. Their only goal is to eat, no matter how big their stomachs would be bugling.

The dry bloody clothes, hair matted, exposed skin covered in dry smeared blood and dirt only added to her looking like one.

Beside her left arm was her dirty bag that she used for all her school years and a pistol. Only an empty water bottle rested inside the bag. If she had to guess, she'd say it's been at least a few hours since she's seen her family. She's positive that none of them survive the massive horde that shredded her family's farm.

She felt hopeless, but most importantly a coward. She should have stayed longer, fought longer. Maybe if she had stayed then someone would still be alive or she would have at least gotten the chance to say a final goodbye, but she didn't. She could still hear their shrilling voices echoing in her ear as they pleaded for help.

Her tired eyes slowly blinked as a bird that had left its nest flew away. Her left fingers twitched as her instinct kicked when she heard approaching footsteps. However, she didn't bother getting up and instead let herself relax, hoping that a rotter was the one coming for her so she could see her family again.

But the world had different plans as the sun was blocked and her eyes came in contact with a pair of lively green eyes, concerningly looking down on her.

His green locks are matted, eyebags are formed just above his freckles, a dirty faded yellow bag rests on his shoulders, and he's holding a wooden r39 rifle with a scope. His dark clothing and even his bright red shoes are dirty.

His eyes scanned her exposed skin and when no bite or scratch was revealed and the sign of her chest moved he let out a soft sigh of relief escaping his lips, "Are you okay?"

He took a step to his side, having the sun blind her eyes. She reached an arm to cover her eyes as she sat up, her back bones feeling relieved to be off the concrete floor. She took in a breath, feeling rather hopeless to see another human, "I'm fine."

He could sense her feeling so he encouraged a small smile to fall on his lips, but his eyes then moved when her left arm reached to grab her pistol. He quickly kicked the gun away before aiming his own rifle at her, his finger inches away from the trigger, "I don't want to do it, so please, don't make me."

The girl looked up at him, her hand going back to her side, "Relax. If you're going to shoot, then do it, but just know anybody from a mile away will hear you."

She then looked towards the gun, "Besides, the chamber empty."

He looked unconvinced and approached the gun. His back was never turned to her even when he let his rifle down to check the chamber. To his surprise, she was right, it was completely empty.

He again let out a sigh, placing his rifle back on his shoulder and looking at the girl, "Sorry, you can never be too careful these days. Bad enough we have the dead walking. Last thing we need is for people to attack each other."

She tried sitting up, in the process she had winced when she had forgotten she sprained her ankle. He quickly moved to her and helped her get her footing, "Why'd you pick up the gun if you knew nothing was in there?"

She shrugged, her ankle slightly hurting, but it wasn't anything too bad she couldn't handle, "I guess I just wanted to give you some sort of comfort. Don't know."

He removed his hand from her once she was able to stand on her own and reached to grab her bag before giving it to her, the gun next. He noticed her bag wasn't heavy. If someone were to be one their own he figured the person would be stocked with supplies, but he also realized where she stood. On a road possibly an hour away from Musutafu, "Are you alone?"

She nodded, grabbing her bag and placing it on her shoulders, "Alone with my fellow bugs."

The comment wasn't meant to be funny, but it had the male smiling, "Do you know where you're heading?"

"Wherever this road leads to." She shrugged, unsure of what to say and wondering how he could smile when he felt like he threatened just minutes ago.

He may have just met her so he didn't truly know her, but one thing is sure, he didn't want to be alone. That's no way for a human to live and he was getting bored of having nothing to share like he did with his friends, who he hoped were still alive.

"Well," His smile was still on display, "I don't have a camp and I'm all alone. I also don't really know where to go, but I do plan on leaving the city since it's more prone for the dead. It would be nice to have company, so...do you want to come with me?"

She looked at him. A part of her wanted to go back to her farm, but she didn't know if the rotters were still lingering and she couldn't take them all herself. She honestly hoped that someone in her family at least made it out, but judging from what she saw, her hope was lost.

Even if she wanted to go back, she didn't know what direction to take. She ran with no looking back until she gave up to exhaustion, leaving her lying on the road she stood at. Maybe this was a sign that this was the end of her journey with them. Her family, and her fathers lesson will always be engraved in her black heart, but she should let bygones be bygones.

Her family would understand and she of course wouldn't want to take the male, who stood in front of her concerningly eyeing her as she hasn't responded to his question, back to her family's farm and endanger him. He looked too kind for death.

"Okay." She said, placing her pistol on the waistband of her jeans, "I'll go with you, by the way, I'm F/n L/n."

His shoulders sag, feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks, "Izuku Midoriya." 

[so-many-fandoms-here]

(English isn’t my first language so feel free to correct any mistake you notice <3)

• Characters: Suguru Niragi (kinda ooc), fem!Reader

• Genre: fluff, slight smut at the end

• Warnings: mentions of violence, guns, death and sex

It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you soon

Part 1 | Part 2

𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼

Your original plan was to surprise Niragi. Your heart beat like it tried to escape your body when you left the airport heading to the trains, and it really started to hurt when you left the train again heading to his old apartment where he used to live with his parents, hoping at least his parents would be there. What if he doesn‘t want to see you? What if he doesn‘t like you anymore? You were so deep in your thoughts that you weren’t even bothered by those weird guys, almost knocking you over because they tried to run away from the police. The last thing you noticed was the sudden fireworks in the middle of the day.

And now you are here. Wherever here is. Yes, you’re in japan but everything is different. The majority of the people who suppose to live here is gone, only few are left but none of them has a single clue what the fuck is going on.

So you walk trough the streets, scared for your life, as you should as you will find out a tiny bit later. Not knowing what to do and afraid of every step you take you decide that you will die a lot faster if you are alone and it’s the best if you find a group of people.

After a few miles you see a ramen restaurant, or more whats left of it. You gently knock on the door, not sure what you wish more for, that someone really opens the door or that it remains closed. You are just about to leave, thinking the building is empty, when the door opens and a woman, not much older than you looks through the crack. „I‘m scared“, you whisper after a while where the woman just stares at you. Then she opens the door completely, asking you to come in.

Maybe she will kill me, you think to yourself, deciding that it isn’t a big issue, since something or someone is probably gonna kill you in this fucked up world anyways soon. Turns out there are a lot of people inside, about twenty you guess. You let yourself sink on a chair and feel how the exhaustion hits you and right after the woman closed the door again she asks: „Do you know anything about this world?“

You tell her what you already know. Something about games and visas that will kill you if they run out but that you haven’t been able to put everything together so that it makes sense. And then the people tell you what they know and a tiny part in your brain wishes that you would have stayed clueless.

The group of twenty has soon become a group of fifteen, then ten, then four and with every death you see, you become colder. At first you saw a person who lived, who loved, who cried, who went to school so they could get their dream job. Now you see corpses, waiting for the time to rot away what makes them look human. It’s not like you don’t care. You know very well that if you get the chance you will break down, cry, scream and throw up but now you have to function. You have to survive to get the chance to break down in the first place.

The last game you played split the group of the remaining four completely. One died, the other doesn’t want to leave the corpse and the last one just disappeared right after the game ended. Now you stand here again, alone just like on the first day. Your eyes focused on the corpse of your comrade. You ask yourself if it’s even worth all of it. Is Niragi still alive? Will you ever see him again? Or will you die before you find him or whats left of him?

„Are you alone?“ you turn around to the person who disturbed you in your hopelessness. „Yes“, you say not caring anymore if he would rape or kill you. „Come with me.“ You act like you think about it so that he won’t think you are naive, but you already decided that you will go with him. Everywhere is better than being alone again. „Where are we going?“ you ask after you two already walked for he while. „The Beach“, he says leaving you just as clueless as before. You don’t feel like asking any more questions so you just follow him, hoping he would actually bring you somewhere.

Turns out that The Beach is in fact a resort, now filled with hundreds of people who are trapped here too. The guy brings you to another man, who called himself Hatter and was the founder of this… yeah whatever this is. He explains a bit about how the things roll here. You can eat, drink, sleep, have sex, anything you want as long as you give him the cards you earn when you win a game. Fine with me, you think as you go to the room he gave you the key for. It was almost to good to be true. The only thing you have to worry about now are the games.

Although you were still beyond exhausted after you sleep for at least ten hours, you are too curious about this place to just stay in bed until you have to do the next game. So you stand up, put on a bikini hatter gave you which obviously is part of some weird dresscode, try to memorize exactly where you room is and then you head off towards the pool downstairs.

The pool is full with people laughing, drinking and fucking. Music is playing and everyone around seems to be pretty happy too. It is a bit unsettling seeing laughing people in the situation you’re all in but you also get that they maybe try to ignore it all too. Maybe would cry and scream too when they get the chance too. You look around and see a tiny group of girls about your age sitting on a table so you take all the courage you have and approach them, praying you will find a group again. To your relief the girls are super nice and gladly adopting you into their group.

After a bit chitchat and one way too sweet cocktail you feel yourself easing up a bit and damn, no amount of sleep could have you regain your energy that quickly. After ten hours of sleeping your body may be rested but not your mind. Talking to these girls about normal things, and not the cruel reality and a few sips alcohol really helps to keep your sanity.

You are laughing about a joke one of the three cracked when you first hear steps behind and then feel a presence beside you. The girls are quietly looking at you, almost looking afraid. You try to keep calm. Don’t let whoever is beside you think that you are weak in any sort of way. „Who have we here?“, the mysterious person asks and you freeze. Not because the others did freeze too, not because of the barrel of the gun that digs into your back, it was the voice that makes you freeze. The voice you know better than anyone else’s, even tho it sounds a bit different. „You’re the new one I suppose.“ There was something in the tone that makes him sound insane but you know it’s him. It’s the man you collected from the floor after he got beaten up. The man who you started fights for. The man who bleed over the floor and the sink because his bullies pushed a needle through his tongue. The man who‘s name you moaned when you felt like you and him would mold together. „Suguru?“, you whisper as you slowly turn your heads toward him. He is right in the middle of licking his lips and showing his tongue piercing off when it hits him like a stroke. As fast as possible he removes his rifle from your back, not able to do anything else.

You were already in the middle of thinking about how he doesn’t recognize you anymore when he grabs your wrist and storms off with you. „What are you doing?“, you ask without getting an answer. He drags you along the floors until he stops in front of a door, the one to his room you assume. He unlocks it, drags you inside, closes the door again and presses you against the wall, almost locking you into the corner of the room. Your back hurts because of the edge of the door you’re leaning against.

„What are you doing here?“ he asks, completely out of breath. „I could ask the same“, you reply, overwhelmed with everything that is happening right now. „What are you doing in japan?!“ he asks more specifically this time. Heat rises up to your ears and you can’t look him in the eyes at first, because you were afraid how he would react. Just like when you told him you’re moving away.

„I wanted to surprise you“, you eventually admit, still looking at the floor. „I wanted to go to the apartment you used to live in, hoping at least your parents would be there and that they would tell me where I would find you.“ It takes everything on strength that’s left inside your body but you look up, right into his dark eyes. „I told you it‘s not a goodbye.“ A weak smile appears on your lips but because of Niragis lack of reaction it dies right away. „It’s okay if you are overwhelmed with the situation. I understand. I also understand if you don’t want too see me at all. It‘s just“ As you notice that your voice is about to crack you stop and act like you have to clear your throat before you continue. „I missed you. And I feel dumb to admit it but I hoped you missed me too. I hoped you would still like me.“ After you say it out loud you realize how stupid, how naive it was. You silently wait for Niragi to say something, to scream at you or to kick you out but nothing like this happens. You even expect that he points his gun back against you but he just stands there looking at you with the same shocked expression he has since he saw you ten minutes ago.

You take a breath to say something, not sure what exactly yet but you don’t have to think of any words anyways. First you hear him dropping his gun, then he forces his lips so hard on yours that your teeth clash together. Everything happens in the blink of an eye and you need a second to process everything. As soon as your brain starts working again you place your hands on either side of his face and try to pull him even closer to you. You melt into his arms and you almost forget where you are as his tongue glides into your mouth, dancing with your own. The metal of the piercing, almost as warm as his tongue itself, glides clacking over your teeth. You two part for a second which you take to admire his face. „I knew the piercings would suit you“, you breath, guiding your hand up his head, over the piercings on his eyebrows, then over his nostril and down again, back to his cheek. He laughs quietly and just as he wants to kiss you again someone aggressively knocks at the door.

Niragi, obviously more than annoyed, looks up against the wooden door and yells. „What do you want?“ „You’re still on patrol!“, the voice on the other side of the door answers. „You can fuck that bitch later.“

His annoyance turns into blind rage after the comment of the other guy. He quickly pushes you away from the door, picks up his rifle, opens the door and aims straight at the head of the man in front of him. „Watch out who you call a bitch“, he warns. „It’s rather funny to blow someones brains out.“ With that he turns back to you. „I will pick you up later, that’s fine with you?“ You nod, smiling wide. While leaving you let your hand glide across Niragis upper arm as you pass by, giving him one last grin before you head off to the girls on the pool again.

The girls don’t dare to ask what that was with Niragi and you and so you four continue your chat about everything and anything, acting like nothing happened.

Niragi in the meantime tries to go past the pool as often as possible so he can at least catch a short gaze of you here and there. Today it feels like he is walking for forever around those stupid environment. But then, eventually, they let him go. If his pride wouldn’t be that high he would run to you but instead he tries to act cool even though his insides scream.

With his gun thrown over his shoulder he leans down, his head right next to yours, tongue showing off the piercing, then he whispers: „Let’s head back to my room and continue where we were disturbed. Sounds good?“ You move his hand towards his face, acting like you want to hold him by his chin and sneaky pressing your middle- and ringfinger right at the spot where you assume his main artery. Smiling knowingly about the fact how fast his heart races you stand up and take his hand. This time you are the one that drags him away from the others. As soon as you two were inside the building and no one was near, he suddenly stops and pulls you back to him. „What was that about?“, he asks, not needing an answer. He knows. „Your heart races“, you reply anyways, voice almost melodious.

In his room he makes sure his gun is secured before he throws it next to the bed. Then he grabs both of your hands, sits down and pulls you in his lap. As soon as his hands are all over your body again you realize how bad you missed him. It hits you like a wave and you put all your love and affection into the kisses you shower him with. His lips, his cheeks, his jaw, his neck, nothing is left out as his hands roam over your body. He wishes he could touch you everywhere at the same time and crawl inside you, laying his head on your heart to feel your heartbeat all the time. „Did you had many relationships?“, his voice is shaking a little bit because he’s not sure if he really wants to know. „A few but never something serious“, you answer honestly, then stopping the assault on his neck to look him in his eyes. You see the storm inside them and all the pain he had to deal with alone while you were gone. „What about you?“ „Fucked around a lot. Literally. But never anything serious either.“

While you look at him, he realizes that the piece of his heart that went with you was in good hands. He did expect that when you will hand it back to him, it’s already dead. Stabbed by a knife without you even noticing it was with you the whole time. But here he is. He may be in a twisted world full of murder and slaughter but you are here too. Right here, right now, sitting in his lap so for now he lets The Beach be The Beach, the games be the games and just focuses on the moment right now. Focuses on your lips, your skin, his erection caused by you. „You won’t be leaving me again, you hear?“, he says while letting his hand slips underneath your bikinitop and feeling your bare breast fitting perfectly in his hand. „You‘re mine“, he whispers again. „You’re mine and I’m yours.“ The words seep through your ears into your whole body, leaving goosebumps all over your skin behind.

You reach behind your back, opening the strings of your top and letting it drop to the floor. It didn’t even took five more minutes until you lay under him, his naked body pressed against yours. And you still feel his heart racing. „Are you nervous?“, you ask, being one hundred percent sure he won’t answer honestly. And of curse you are right. „Me? Never“, he lies, chuckling. „Are you?“ You think for a second. „A little bit. You are a whole new man.“ Dark eyes looking down in your own, telling you what he would never say out loud. He changed, but not the way he feels about you.

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

Skeleton's S/O goes to another country for a business trip for a few weeks. On S/O's flight back home though, the plane reported to have crashed at sea, and the survivors were not found till after a week (everyone in the plane miraculously survived by the by). How would their reunion go?

Undertale Sans - He kinda already gave up and the police officer had to tell him three times that you are actually and live and fine. He just breaks down in Papyrus arms because his feelings are doing the roller coaster. He refuses to believe it fully before he has you back in his arms. He's not letting go ever again.

Undertale Papyrus - Papyrus refused to believe you were dead despite everyone telling him to get ready for the news to come. He just knows you're fine. He doesn't know how, but he knows it. And he never had been so glad to be in denial when you're finally in his arms again, only with a broken leg. Papyrus tells you he was not worried at all, but the way he's shaking tells you otherwise.

Underswap Sans - Blue is actually the one responsible for your rescue. The government wanted to give up the search, but Blue refused and teleported inside the government building to tell the President eyes in eyes what he was thinking of his bullshit. He refused to leave before another rescue team was send, and god he was so right because that's when they found you, floating on a wing of the plane in the middle of the ocean. Blue is actually decorated after this. But he really doesn't care. All that matters is that his S/O and 235 other people almost die of starvation in the middle of the ocean and the government failed to rescue them. He becomes the main figure of the trial to come.

Underswap Papyrus - Honey knows you're not dead. He is so bonded to you he would have known if you were dead. He tried to convince the rescuers he's not crazy, before Blue takes things in hands and do the exact same thing that above. Honey is so relieved when he finds you again, and he's so glad his instincts were right. You're traumatised, but that's ok, he is too. Neither of you never go on a plane after this.

Underfell Sans - He was already mourning, because he saw the pictures of the plane, and he's a mecanician, he knew there was no chance of survival. And yet, here you are after a week, perfectly fine, and he just can't believe it. He feels a little guilty he just thought you were dead, but for once, he is so glad he was wrong. Red hugs you close and he promises you he will stop not believe in you.

Underfell Papyrus - This was a very long week for Edge, who is taking your disappearance really badly. He's the one who leads you to the airport! He should have known! This is all his fault! He can't stop feeling guilty and angry. If he had come with you, maybe you would still be alive. When he got a call to tell him you're alive, he does something he didn't do in a very long time. He bursts in tears, both relieved and horrified because you had to fight for your life an entire week and he was just at home doing nothing! He is scared you hate him forever and is very surprised when you just fall in his arms and crushes him in a hug. He doesn't understand.

Horrortale Sans - Well, for once, being in denial helped. Since he refused to listen to Willow, he thought that S/O's plane was just late all this time, and look, he was right! Willow should listen to him more sometimes. He doesn't get why everyone is crying, it's not a big deal, but ok, the hug is nice at least.

Horrortale Papyrus - Willow is devastated when he heard about the crash. For the whole week, all he did was crying in his room until he passes out, again and again. Oak and Toriel tried to comfort him, but in vain. They both got scared he might fall down, and it could have happened. But at the last moment, when he decided to give up, he got the call. He couldn't believe it. He took the first plane to come and find you, wherever you are on the planet. He needs to feel you in his arms to make sure it's real. Once he has you, he doesn't let go. He is so relieved you are alive.

Swapfell Sans - Nox was kinda lifeless since the crash. Just there, but not really. Rus tried to stimulate him a little, but he doesn't react even more. Even after the call, he doesn't believe it. His brain can't take the news. It will take a long time to realise it's true and that you're waiting for him. Nox immediately cry in your arms when he snaps out of it.

Swapfell Papyrus - Rus is in a terrible state when you see him again. He looks sleep deprived, and he smells like alcohol. Rus just drank to forget, again and again, and only stopped after Nox destroyed all of his bottles. You're very worried about him, but that's ok, you two will have some time to heal together.

Fellswap Gold Sans - Wine is coming to rescue you lol. Since the government was too slow for him, he bought a plane and he went to search you. After he finds you, he goes back to the government building and screams at everyone until everyone, even the President, is crying like a baby. Clearly he has to do everything in this country. You should name him king or something.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - Well, he just asks Wine. Wine can't stand to see Coffee sad, so he's going to the same thing than above. He has a savior syndrome, if you can't tell.

[blackink-onpaper]

The Descend and the Resurface

Damian Hart x OC

Summary: OC comes from a complex background, and in the midst of trying to save it all and help her family she enters a strange arrangement, which will change her life forever.

Masterlist 🖤

Tags: Beyblade, Beyblade Metal Masters, Julian Konzern, Jack, Damian, OC, mention of suicidal thoughts, team Starbreaker, team Excalibur, dr. Ziggurat, Hades Inc.

Chapter 24

From hazy memory, I recall my final days passed slow and fast simultaneously. Zeo helped me with my suitcase and went to the airport with me, holding me in a tight hug as I cried. It just wasn’t fair: why does everyone deserve to go back to their lives while I can’t possibly move on? Why does everyone have a happy ending while I don’t even know what happened to Damian?

Upon my return, I found my room crowded in fresh bouquets of the most beautiful flowers, all from Julian. Each had a handwritten note: apologies for his “unforgivable behaviour”, apologies for ever letting me go, promises and pleas for another chance. He also came by one Sunday morning to beg my hand back. I truly believe his repentance, turns out he realised he loved me more than he thought. That day, he left promising he will wait as long as it takes and earn my trust and love back. The final days of the summer slipped away in tears of heartbreak, of worry and nescience. Each day brought less news, even the gossiping and theory-plotting voices dimmed down eventually, distracted by new events. Everyone seemed to move on, except for me. As the leaves changed colour, my mind ran across different shades of emotion as well: my worry occasionally soured into hatred, boiled into anger, or sunk into depression. Some days I believed he selfishly ran away on his own, some that he has passed away, and on others that a worse fate than both found him. On a particularly rough night a month after he dissapeared, the thunderstorms reminded me of the cracks left in my sad heart: we didn’t even have a picture together, or something to remember each other by, nothing. Nothing but a painful memory. That night I considered ending it all, thinking we might finally be reunited as I looked over the balcony down into the garden. What stopped me was the thought he might still be alive. The thought he might be looking for me as I was looking for him. The thought that he loves me.

I am sitting next to my bedroom window as a misty autumnal morning wakes up with the rest of the world. Every day the thoughts from that night keep me going. Hope against fear of the unknown. Hope against a painful imagination. My parents are worried about me, and I agreed to start therapy under the condition that it was with dr. Carlisle. I felt comforted speaking to him because I felt at least somehow closer to Damian, imagining him speaking to Carlisle all those years. Julian never ceased his support for me and my family, sending fresh flowers, gifts and letters regularly. Through the letters he repeatedly expressed his sadness over being blind to how much he loved me, and that he fights his urge to contact me every day, choosing to write letters instead. In my pain and suffering, I constantly considered giving him another chance because I missed the warmth of an embrace, a shoulder to cry on. But my contemplation always circled back to the reason why I was crying in the first place.

Even though I had completely lost all contact with Jack, I kept a somewhat regular streak of occasional calls with Zeo. His new life brought out his cheerful side, and I was so happy for him. I hoped Jack and Damian had found the same calm happiness. The same lift of liberation that filled him with life made each of our calls more spaced out, but I was thankful for each one nonetheless; I couldn’t blame him for moving on, or for not sharing my pain. All of my friends told me I should move on, but they didn’t understand time doesn’t heal all wounds: it heals only the ones you know how you got, and that you know are going to pass. In other words, time only heals the wounds you know have an end, but how can time fight against an unknown end? An unfinished story?

A/N: Even though it is a short one, I wanted this chapter to reflect the first in the sense that a lot had been said in a few words. I wanted to highlight what Camila is going through right now, a pained heart every day with little to no new things in her life (Lana’s “Dark Paradise” is the literal soundtrack of this chapter).

If you have a moment to spare, please let me know what you think! And thank you so much for reading my fic, each like means so much to me and I appreciate each returning reader! Don’t be shy to ask questions!

[chaletnz]

Coffee Tour at Doka Farm

In the morning I was treated to a very early, very cold shower in temperatures that were definitely not the 30 degrees of Jaco! I packed my day bag quietly for my tour and then sat in the main living room where there was a little cat curled up asleep that I must not have noticed last night. The driver was right on time for pick up and I was the first person so had my pick of the seats, although he asked me to sit right behind him. I sat there until we arrived at the next hotel for pick up but it was too cold and windy there to do it all day! It was cool to see the city of San Jose wake up and come alive at 6am as we drove through the streets to pick up all the tour participants. Everyone walking around was carrying an umbrella – it was a 100% chance of rain today, and they seem to trust the forecast! One queue at a bus stop ran all the way down the street, around the corner and down the next street, it was organized mayhem! Our driver introduced himself as our tour guide Max who had his first coffee at 6 months old. He told us that the traffic is crazy in San Jose because 2 million people visit everyday but luckily we were heading out the opposite direction. Once everyone was picked up, our last folks were picked up from an airport hotel, Max gave us the itinerary break down for the day. We’d be spending it in the Alajuela province which is famous for its mango which is unfortunately not in season! Our day began with a visit to Doka coffee farm owned by the Vargas family at 5000 feet. On the drive us Max gave us all the facts about Costa Rican coffee – it’s Arabica only, 95% of Costa Rican coffee is exported to other countries, coffee grown at 3000 feet tastes like citrus and coffee grown at 6000 feet tastes like sweet fruits. Max also told us about how he gets woken up at 4am everyday by his 2 cats Catalina and Nutella – one cat has another house though. As we drove further up into the coffee plantations Max explained how coffee productions is one of the biggest industries for migrant workers from Nicaragua. 200,000 Nicas work in coffee plantations in Costa Rica, another 200,000 work in banana plantations, and 200,000 more in pineapple plantations. These migrants get around $20 a day, which is much better than the $4 a day they would get in agricultural work in their home country just across the border. They are also given housing as part of their employment since they do the work that Costa Ricans are unwilling to do. At the Doka coffee farm, we started with our buffet breakfast where I finally tried gallo pinto on my last full day in Central America! I also piled up my plate with fried plantains, sausage slices, a tortilla and some fruit. They had 3 black coffees on offer, made from their own coffee beans. The standout was the Peaberry which I ended up buying a bag of to take home with me.

Max took us on a tour around the plantation, we first saw the peeling machine that has worked for 160 years without electricity and Max explained how the coffee harvest is synced with the school year so that the teenagers can also come to help pick the cherries when all hands on deck are needed. A sack of Costa Rican green coffee beans, washed, peeled and dried, goes for about $300 but up to $4000. In comparison the average price of a sack of Brazilian robusta beans fetches $100 meanwhile the most expensive sack is a geisha tree specialty from Panama which sold for $200,000. The peaberry is also more expensive as it’s a perfectly formed seed but smaller than average, they need to be handpicked out of the regular seeds. Max explained that the sweetest coffee is grown at the higher altitudes, but the honey process can also lead to sweeter coffee. The honey process involves leaving the greasy layer on the beans rather than letting them ferment to wash it off. When it dries, the honey process will take 12 days to dry the greasy layer too whereas the fermented beans would only take 5 days. The beans are all dumped outside in the sun to dry, with the workers walking through the beans with a rake to move them around for even-drying. After the tour we were led purposefully to the gift shop where I purchased the peabery blend for just $9 as well as some chocolate coated coffee beans for Alanna. We then piled back into the van to our next destination - the Poas volcano.

[eliospeachie]

10 Peachy Years pt.1

⚠️DISCLAIMER⚠️

This story is heavily inspired by the book/movie called "Call Me By Your Name", I do not own the story, the character Elio, Samuel, or Anella. This story is a work of inspiration, using the script as inspiration.

Part 2 is linked below

2k words

He didn’t plan to leave the country last second, no one really did. But, there Vante was, sitting in an airport with his face covered up with sunglasses, a beanie, face mask, and even a hoodie on for extra measure. He didn’t want anyone to see him, he didn’t need to be seen like this, not after what had happened. He was just lucky to be alive and to be able to get a place to stay last second.

With the summer around, a lot of people were more than willing to rent out their homes or anything at a good price. Vante didn’t want a hotel or a home, he didn’t trust himself to be alone. He didn’t think it’d be smart to do. So, he rented out a room he had seen an ad for online, one that was in a huge home not too far away from town with an orchard of peach trees in the backyard that belonged to a daily of three.

He had bought the plane tickets and the room for the whole summer an hour before he boarded the flight with nothing more than a duffel bag as his carry on shoved with last second clothes and an ipod as a carry on item. When you’re wanting to leave behind your entire life, you don’t really want to pack that much. And when you’re filthy fucking rich, you can just buy what you need when you get there.

The plane had landed early in the morning, taking some time to change out of his clothes into something more comfortable. Even though no one would suspect Vante of being there, he still kept on his face mask, though he changed his hoodie and sweatpants for a pair of shorts and flannel he bought at the airport.

He got a taxi to go to the house he would now be residing in, his eyes watching everything pass them by, a smile never leaving his lips. He was more than excited, it wasn’t every day you get a chance to live a new life and it also wasn’t every day that your new life would be in Italy. Call it ironic, but the brunette found himself to be more than lucky.

He arrived at the house not too long after the taxi had picked him up, admiring the beautiful stone as they pulled into the gravel sidewalk, an older man and woman stepping out of the house just as Vante stepped out, large smiles on both of their faces. They didn’t seem too old, maybe old enough to be his parents actually.

“Hello!” The woman cooed, stepping over to Vante and held onto his hands, placing kisses to his cheeks. “Oh darling, welcome! I’m Anella and this is my husband Samuel!”

“Hi, it’s nice to be able to meet you both.” He smiled at the greetings from Anella, turning to Samuel to shake his hand, a small feeling of nervousness in his stomach. “I know you guys have my name and all but..can you just call me V for a while? I prefer that right now.” That, and not everyone in Italy was named Vante. He didn’t want to risk hearing a fan saying his name and sounding the alarms.

Both parents didn’t mind, simply agreeing and went into small talk about the flight and drive to the home, already asking how V liked Italy even though he had only been there for an hour at most.

“Ah, Elio can help you with those bags! Here, let me call for him.” Samuel went to the front door yelling the name he spoke of only to get no response.

“Samuel, he left earlier, remember?”

“It’s alright, I can get it myself. It’s not heavy anyways.” V chuckled softly, throwing the bag over his shoulder, using a hand to brush back his dark locks. “Is Elio your son?”

“Yes, he is!” Anella smiled at the mention of her son, sighing softly as she led both V and her husband inside, V already entranced with the home and took in what details he could on the way in. “He should be home in time for lunch. Hopefully you two can become friends.”

“Oh, I hope so too.” V chuckled softly, though knowing that might not be true. V wasn’t the best with kids so he was pretty sure that he would have a hard time making friends with the boy. But he couldn’t say that to their faces. Not when he hadn’t even met the boy just yet. “Your room will be up the stairs, the last door to your left. We put some spare clothes in the closet for you to wear when you would like to.”

Elio nodded and gave a gentle thank you before he went to the room that would now be his room for the next three months. It wasn’t that big but it wasn’t small either, just big enough for a desk, bed, and the big dresser with the clothes as promised. He went to the door that was next to the dresser to find a bathroom and then another door. Out of curiosity, he opened the second door to show another bedroom. However, this one looked lived in. There were posters on the walls, books sprawled here and there. It was probably the son’s room.

V took a much needed shower but put on the clothes he had gotten at the airport, sighing to himself as he rubbed his face and went to the window, opening it up. It was nice, the air, the crispness of it. It probably smelled that much fresher with all of the trees near them.

Soon, it was lunch. The three sat at a table outside underneath string lights that weren’t lit up just yet, it probably usually was for dinner and for events. The idea sounded cute, hopefully he would be able to see it tonight.

“Where is that boy?” Anella sighed, taking some juice to pour into her cup.

“Patience, my love. Perhaps he got too caught up. Maybe he’s on his way home now or-”

“Sono qui, sono qui! Scusa, sono così in ritardo, non volevo..” A boy suddenly ran in, one who looked about V’s age. He had a head full of curly hair that had been in a shorter cut, freckles spreading across his nose and cheeks, thick eyebrows, and piercing blue eyes. He was..handsome. The boy turned to V, a small smile on his lips as he nodded his head as a little greeting, sitting down in the chair next to him, though a bit farther, shaking his hand. “Elio. Nice to meet you.”

“V.”

The lunch went on smoothly, V mainly sitting in silence as he ate except for answering small talk questions and complimenting the food as he ate. He couldn’t help but steal a few glances at Elio every so often while sharing barely any words with him. Lunch was done fairly quickly, Elio excusing himself to go back to seeing his friends, saying he’d be back for dinner.

And that’s how it went on for the next few weeks. The two boys barely exchanged words together, him mainly staying in his room, out with his friends, or somewhere that V wasn’t. But, one day he got lucky, going into the kitchen where Anella was peeling some peaches, Elio occasionally stealing a piece of the fruit, him and his mother giggling as V walked down, smiling at the two. It was cute to see a family together.

“Oh, V! Buongiorno! Come hai dormito?”

V stood there in the doorway for a second, trying to figure out what the woman meant as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his shorts, his mouth open as his brain tried to search for an answer. “Uh..”

Elio laughed a little, taking another piece of fruit from the bowl. “She asked you how you slept.”

“Oh-” V chuckled with the other two, shaking his head a little in embarrassment. “Yeah, yeah I slept pretty good. The bed actually seems to get more comfortable each night.”

Anella nodded, lightly smacking Elio’s hand when he tried to steal yet another piece, muttering something to him before turning back to glance at V, placing the mango peels onto a napkin on the side. “Were you wanting something to eat? Perhaps some juice?”

“No thank you, Mrs. Perlman. I was actually wondering if you knew where a good cafe close by would be? I want to go into town so I can maybe grab a thing or two from the shops and thought it would be nice to stop by at one.”

“I can show you one.” Elio pitched, catching both Anella and V by surprise, mainly because he didn’t expect the other to volunteer. “I can show you around the town as well. And I’m sure I can help you be your translator.” He took himself off the counter he was leaning on and walked past V, lightly patting his arm as he did. “Come on, we can use the bikes.”

So, the two took the two bikes as Elio said and rode into town. It didn’t take long, five minutes or so? The ride was quiet between the two as they went in, stopping at the cafe Elio had mentioned. He, of course, ordered for the both of them, getting them some blueberry muffins as well since they both didn’t have breakfast.

“Are you from around here?” V asked, looking up at the other sitting across from him while taking a bite of the muffin on his plate.

Elio shook his head, reaching into his pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes, placing one between his lips. “No,” he answered simply. “We used to come here during the summer. And Christmas and a uh..another holiday. But dad grew too attached to here so now we live here.”

“Christmas?” V chuckled, his eyes on the pack of cigarettes. It hadn’t been too long since he last smoked, he was trying to quit, having a cup of coffee every time he wanted one. It was kind of working, only if the coffee was black. When Elio held the pack out to him, as if asking if he wanted one, it took everything in V to shake his head with a polite no, turning his eyes towards the muffin instead.

Elio hummed, taking the lighter and lit the stick between his lips. “And Easter too. We are Jewish, English, American, Italian, French... somewhat atypical.” He laughed a little, taking a puff of the cigarette and moved it away to blow the smoke away from him.

V hummed, nodding his head a little. “I see. What do you and your family do here?”

“Mm, wait for summer to end.” Both boys shared a laugh at that, V shaking his head.

“No no, seriously. What do you do at least? Besides the waiting and hanging out with your friends all of the time?”

Elio sighed a little, his smile staying on his lips, placing the stick back between his lips as he spoke once more. “Transcribe music. Read books. Swim at the river. Go out at night.”

V nodded, tilting his head as he took a moment to look the man over. He could see that, Elio at his desk with headphones over his ears and scribbling on a piece of paper what notes he heard or laying in his bed with a book in his hands. It didn’t sound that surprising.

“Let me ask you something,” Elio chimed, making V snap out of his little daydreams of the other. “Why did you choose to come to Italy if you can’t even speak Italian?”

V couldn’t hide his little laugh of embarrassment, looking off to the side and leaned back in his seat, starting to pick at his nails. It was a little habit he had grown to do it the past few weeks, picking at his hangnails. “I needed somewhere to go last second. I wanted a bit of a summer getaway and uh..what better place than Italy?” Both of them shared a laugh once again, V taking the last bit of his muffin. “I do want to be here for a while though so I might as well learn, right?”

“Maybe I can teach you?”

[sjsmith56]

Catching Up - Part 20, From There to Here - Bucky Barnes One Shots

Summary: On the flight to Siberia, Steve and Bucky talk, trying to begin to get caught up after so many years apart. Later, after they battled Tony Stark they speak with T’Challa, who offers Bucky sanctuary and a chance at treatment. Told from Bucky’s POV.

Length: 8.2K

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, T’Challa, Shuri.

Warnings: Angst, guilt, despair, sadness.

Author notes: I thought a good one shot would be an account of Steve and Bucky's flight to Siberia then to Wakanda after the confrontation with Tony Stark. In the movie Captain America: Civil War there were only a couple of brief scenes shortly after they left the destroyed airport in Germany then another just after they touched down in Siberia. I hope you enjoy this interpretation of that time. Some scenes from the movie are included but I chose to use different dialogue.

<<Part 19

🌌

After the battle at Leipzig Airport

"Damn," said Steve, looking at the rear display in the quinjet as we flew away from Leipzig Airport. "Rhodes...."

"What happened?" I asked, unbuckling and coming towards the pilot's seat.

Steve was quiet for a moment then took a breath. "Not sure but Colonel Rhodes suit was damaged. He fell to the ground."

It was as if all the air was sucked out of my lungs and I almost stumbled. Another person, hurt or worse, because of me. I could feel my eyes burning as the tears threatened to fall. Steve quickly put the jet on autopilot and got out of the seat, grabbing hold of my shoulders.

"Bucky, don't," he said. "It wasn't your fault."

"We just destroyed an airport, and a man has been hurt, possibly killed, because you and your friends were fighting for me," I said. "Of course, it's my fault. How many people were injured in Bucharest, then how many did the Soldier kill in Berlin when that man activated me?

I slid down to the floor, slouching against the wall. I was done. Everything the authorities said about me was true. No matter what, I brought death and destruction with me. Wiping the wet from my face I drew my knees up and rested my arms on them.

"I know you don't want to hear this but I'm going to keep saying it," said Steve, kneeling down in front of me. "We chose to fight for you. The special forces in Bucharest were there to kill you. You had the right to defend yourself and I could see you pulled your punches and tried your best to make sure to leave them alive. As for the Winter Soldier, what he did is on that fake doctor, not on you. He knew what would happen and he used you to get information then to get away."

"Doesn't matter," I said. "The result is still the same. HYDRA turned me into a killing machine and that's all I've known for 70 years."

"That's not true and you know it," he said, sitting back on his heels. "Summer Alder-Marsh, her granddaughter Megan, and her friend Tamsin Murray."

I looked up at him in surprise. "How do you know those names?"

"Rebecca told me," he said, studying my face for my reaction. "Then I sought them out myself."

"Rebecca? Is she still alive?" My voice cracked. Was it really possible? Did Summer connect with my sister? "She knows about me?"

"She knows what was done to you," confirmed Steve. He stood up and held out his hand. "We have a long flight to Siberia, and I think we need to talk some things out before we get there."

Grabbing it I stood up and watched as he double checked the autopilot settings then he gestured to my seat.

"You hungry or thirsty?" he asked. "We usually keep some energy bars and juice on here." I waved him off, but he got some for himself. "First of all, I never really got the chance to thank you for pulling me out of Potomac. I was ready to die for you, Buck, you know that."

I nodded. "When I saw your face, all bloodied up, and you said those words, it came rushing back to me. All the times I intervened in a fight for you, then telling you that I was with you until the end of the line after your mom's funeral. I knew you were familiar before they wiped my memory. I told them I knew you and Pierce hit me several times. Then they wiped me, brought out the Soldier, and told me to finish you. I would have."

"It was your last mission," said Steve. "Several HYDRA operatives that I believe you dropped off in front of the police station confirmed that Pierce didn't care if you made it off the helicarrier alive. I figured you were in control of yourself and were already trying to make things right when you left those guys there."

"Is that why you told me to go?" I asked, looking him in the eye. "I was watching you, making sure they didn't try to finish you off in the hospital."

He smiled. "Yeah, I also didn't want the authorities to get you, either. No one wanted to believe that you actually saved me and that you were watching out for me. Where did you go between Washington and Townsend?"

"I had a list of HYDRA safe houses that I got from the bank," I answered. "Got some money from them, and some weapons, bought some clothes. That was fun." I grinned. "Couldn't believe how tight blue jeans are."

Steve grinned as well. "Took some getting used to, didn't it? I often wore khakis, they're like a looser fit casual pant. Probably not your style but they were more like what we used to wear. But Townsend? How did you know those women? They wouldn't tell me much, just that they helped you and helped change your appearance, so you weren't as recognizable."

I told him about the botched hit job on the bridge in 1971 and being taken in by Summer and Seth. Said the two nights there were like heaven as they were so accepting of me. I described the wonderful feeling I had helping to dig that stump out with my shirt off, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin, then all of us working together to rip it out of the ground. My face must have reinforced how incredible it was as I described listening to the birds flying overhead out in the field. Then I told him about making it to Brooklyn, and seeing Ma from the back stoop but deciding not to knock because I didn't want them to hurt her.

"Is that where you left the book, The Hobbit, with the inscription from Summer and Seth?" he asked. "Rebecca showed me after she told me of Summer phoning her and giving her the message from you. She thought it was a crank call, except Summer described you to a T and told her about the Winter Soldier. When I confirmed it, she told me where to find Summer. She reminded me of Peggy, except Summer didn't have dementia."

I looked at Steve. "Peggy is alive?"

"She was," he said, a look of sadness crossing his face. "She died recently. I visited her but she wasn't always there. She said some things as well that didn't make sense about looking for you." I could see the pain on his face as he thought of her. "So much sadness, so many unrealized dreams. She was still beautiful, inside and out. Summer and Tamsin were both like that, except I got the feeling they were quite different from Peggy."

"I'm sorry about Peggy. She was special. Remember in the pub in London when she kept paying you more attention than me and I wasn't happy about it? Thought I lost my touch."

Steve smirked. "That was a highlight of my life. All those years of being in your shadow and all I needed to do was gain a hundred pounds and grow a foot in height. If I had known it was that easy...."

Neither one of us said anything and I got up to where he got the food, offering him more then taking some out for myself. I took a bite of the energy bar and drank some juice then looked at him.

"They were called hippies," I explained, returning to the subject of Summer and the others. "They left behind normal life for one that was more in keeping with nature. Townsend was supposed to be called Eden, that's what they called it when I was there. Seth, and several of the guys were Vietnam War veterans. They understood my issues, which led me to believe that wars don't really change, nor the men that fight them. All they wanted was to live a peaceful life and make a living with their own hands. I liked it there, very much. I would have stayed."

"I met your namesake, James Marsh," said Steve. "Can't believe he was the child of hippies. He was even more straight laced than I was supposed to be during the war."

"You were," I replied. "You had an image to uphold, and you took that seriously. Did he know I was there?"

"Yeah, Summer told him that they helped you," replied Steve. "He was upset at first, but I had some of the HYDRA files with me and shared them. He was more understanding then. His daughter, Megan, she was smart suggesting you go to Europe. Said she cut your hair for you and thought you were one good looking man. You kept under the radar for a long time."

"I had help," I told him. "Roma in Croatia. They adopted me, took me under their wing and helped me get to Romania, found me that little flat, and kept me working. Their leader was from New Jersey, a guy named Jovan. I helped some of his people fight off some Russian mobsters." I saw the look on Steve's face. "I didn't kill anyone, but I made sure they knew who they were dealing with."

"That explains how the CIA knew where you were," said Steve. "They must have had an informant who kept tabs on you."

"No," I scoffed. "There's no way they knew I was there. Unless ...."

I told him about the con man, about him knowing about me and using that to get most of my money and the list of the European safe houses. It was his suggestion to go to Romania. He looked at the computer on the quinjet.

"You know how to use one?" he asked. "I'm still learning on it, but we could look him up."

"I wasn't permitted," I replied. "It can be tracked you know, electronically."

Both of us reached for it to shut it off. We sat there quietly for a time, not saying anything.

"Rebecca, did she ever get married?"

"Yeah, she did," replied Steve. "She went into nursing in 1948, graduated at the top of her class and served in the Korean War. Met her husband there, a sergeant in the army, Harvey Proctor. He demobbed after, they got married, and he went to school for his accounting certification. She had her first daughter in 1956, a son in 1959 and another daughter in 1962. She went back into nursing when the youngest was 12. They lived in Brooklyn. She lives in a senior's home in New Jersey. Harvey died about ten years ago. She has 8 grandchildren and three great grandchildren."

I was happy for Rebecca. It was hard to picture her all grown up and married. All those years, gone and never to be reclaimed. I sighed and Steve looked away.

"I found your parent's graves," he said sadly. "They're buried in Green-Wood Cemetery. Rebecca said they used our life insurance to buy the plot. It also paid for Rebecca's tuition and wedding."

"You assigned your life insurance to my parents?" I asked, surprised at first, then realizing that if the situation was reversed, I likely would have assigned some to his mother.

"Once Ma died, they became my parents," he stated. "Your dad died in 1965. He suffered a heart attack and then they found cancer in his lungs. Your mom lasted until 1991." He made a face, a disgusted one.

"What?" I asked.

"You were given a posthumous Medal of Honor," he said. "It was presented to your mother and sister in 1991, a month before your mom died. Alexander Pierce was there."

He didn't have to say anything more. I wanted to hit something. My final jailer, the man who kept me imprisoned and loaned me out to every authoritarian or terrorist group in the world to make money for HYDRA stood in front of my mother, offering his sympathies on her loss. I could just picture that sanctimonious smirk of his as he told her what a gift my service was to humanity. He used those words on me, in Washington, just before he put me through the machine and scrambled my brain one last time to make me kill Steve.

"Who killed Pierce?" I asked. "They're sure he's dead?"

"A man named Nick Fury," he replied. "Pierce was his boss at SHIELD. HYDRA had infiltrated it from top to bottom. Fury knew something was up with those heli carriers and Project Insight. Then you were assigned to kill Fury."

I reacted, searching my memory for who this Fury was. "Bald guy, with an eyepatch?" I asked to Steve's nod. "I killed him, didn't I? They said it was mission complete."

"You hurt him, but he was a smart man, and he faked his death," said Steve. "Had us all fooled, except for Maria Hill and a small squad of people she trusted. Then he showed up at the Triskelion, with Natasha already there in disguise. She was the redhead at the airport that let us go. They forced Pierce to cancel the launch and implementation. Except Rumlow tried to override it."

"Rumlow was my handler," I said. "Bastard of a man." I could feel the anger filling me and it must have bothered Steve because he put his hand on my shoulder. "He was abusive, encouraged his men to treat me like shit."

"He's dead," said Steve. "Died in Nigeria. I was there. He knew who you were to me because he brought it up. Thought it would make me weak to know how broken you were."

"I am broken," I said, looking him in the eye. "As long as those words are there, I'll never be free of HYDRA. Someone will always know them."

"We'll get you help, Buck, I promise."

There was a beep coming from the cockpit and Steve went over to see what was going on. I sat there, thinking of the fact that although I was free, I was still a prisoner of my programming, and of people's beliefs about me. Steve came back.

"Course adjustment," he said. "Why don't you get some sleep? I'll keep watch for a few hours then we can switch. You know how to pilot one of these, right?"

I nodded. It had been programmed permanently into my brain, just like all the weapons, and forms of killing had been engraved into my muscle memory. Steve went behind me and pulled on a handle, releasing a berth, just like on a train. It was already made up. I unstrapped and removed my leather jacket then took my boots off and laid on the berth. Even though I was desperately tired I wasn't sure I could fall asleep as my mind was racing, especially with what I knew was waiting for us in Siberia. I must have been more tired than I thought because Steve woke me up several hours later.

It was dark outside. He looked exhausted and we switched places. I sat in the pilot's seat and turned all the lights off, except for the night lighting in the cockpit. Soon I could hear him lightly snoring and smiled, remembering the sound of his wheezing whenever he slept over at our place when we were young. So many times, I thought he would stop breathing but the next tortured breath always came. Maybe that was part of what made me remember him. He was my brother in so many ways.

HYDRA knew of our connection. They exploited it many times; telling me he didn't care about me, then that he was dead, which technically he was for almost as long as I was a PoW. They even told me that he had joined HYDRA and was a much better soldier than me for the cause. So many lies, so much pain and torture, and for what? To keep me bound to them as their weapon, not even regarded as a man but as an asset to be used. I was done with all that. No longer would I kill for anyone.

A small glimmer outside the cockpit window attracted my attention and I dimmed the cockpit lighting while I peered outside. There were lights in the sky, green at first, then red and and white. It was like watching curtains being drawn across the sky as the lights flickered and moved. A memory of reading about the aurora borealis occurred to me and I watched it for some time, fascinated at the beauty. After about an hour it slowly faded, and I turned the cockpit lights up.

I heard a snort and turned back to see Steve waving his hands in the air. He must have been dreaming but before I could go over he suddenly woke up and his eyes opened. Raising himself on one elbow he saw me watching and he let out a breath.

"Bad dream?" I asked.

He sat up then came over and sat in a seat behind me. "Yeah, Sokovia," he said. "Fucking androids."

Turning around in surprise I looked at him. "Language," I smirked. Then I stopped bugging him when I saw his face. If it was bad enough to give him a nightmare, then it was bad. "You lost people."

"We lost a whole country," he said. "That's why they tried to rein in the Avengers."

I looked at him. "What do you mean they tried to rein in the Avengers?"

"Said we were too reckless and that we caused too much death and destruction. They came up with something called the Sokovia Accords which was to regulate the activities of so-called enhanced individuals. The Avengers couldn't go into a situation without approval from a UN appointed panel."

"Well, that's ridiculous," I replied. "They blamed you for what evil people did? It's not like they play by the rules."

Steve shrugged. "The thing is they wanted all of us to sign it and agree not to act unilaterally. It was an infringement of our rights, ultimately meaning that if any of us was walking down the street and saw a crime being committed, technically we weren't permitted to intervene unless a UN panel gave us permission. That's an extreme example but it's how I interpreted it. I wouldn't sign."

"Good," I replied. Then a thought occurred to me. "The others, your friends who helped ... did they sign?"

"Nope," he replied. "They stood with me, mostly for their own reasons. But when they gave the shoot to kill order on you after King T'Chaka was killed without even confirming that it was actually you who set off the bomb ... they were not happy. That action meant that any one of us could be set up just like you were, and they would assume the worst about us. Natasha signed but she helped because she trusted me."

"She's the one who let us go," I confirmed. "I think I knew her, a long time ago, when she was younger."

"It's possible as she knew about the Winter Soldier, that you shot through her to kill a scientist she was helping," said Steve. "She was originally a Black Widow but was turned by Clint."

I breathed in suddenly as a flicker of the face of a girl, maybe 14 or 15 suddenly appeared in my memory. Then the memory of seeing that face again outside Odessa when I took out a scientist but didn't kill the witness, a red headed woman who looked familiar to me at the time.

"Then I must have met her because I was loaned to that program for a time," I said. "It was brutal, pushing those girls to the limit of their pain tolerance. Those who came through it went on." I looked out the window. "They wanted me to breed with them. Girls, young girls." I shook my head in disgust. "I wouldn't and I was punished for it."

Glancing back at Steve I saw a combination of pity and disgust on his face, and I turned away. He put so much on the line for me, and I wasn't worth it. Standing up I went to use the head, wanting to splash some cold water on my face. When I came out it was already lighter out and Steve was in the pilot's seat. He turned.

"We'll be there soon."

I sat behind him. "What will happen to your friends, the ones we left behind?"

He shook his head. "I don't know but I'll deal with it."

"I'm not worth all this," I said. "You know that. I've done terrible things, evil things."

"You didn't have a choice," he replied. "They forced you, tortured you into doing it."

"I know. I resisted; I really did but I still did it. It's all there, part of history. Officially I killed dozens of people, that I remember. How many don't I remember, Steve?"

"Bucky ... don't do this to yourself," he said. "We'll find a way. I promise."

I didn't answer because part of me did feel guilty, did feel like maybe I should face a firing squad. While I was in Bucharest more of the memories had resurfaced including one that shook me because I killed someone I knew, Howard Stark. He and his wife were targeted because he had found a way to duplicate the serum that changed Steve and I was sent to retrieve that serum. That was the serum that was wasted on the super soldiers in Siberia where we were headed. I wanted to tell Steve what I had done but it stuck in my throat. Neither of us had liked the man very much when we were in the Howling Commandos, but he was a genius and he invented a lot of things that the unit benefitted from, explosives, weapons, even bullet resistant clothing. He must have remembered me that night as I had recurring nightmares of him calling me Sergeant Barnes while begging for his and his wife's lives. Just for that I deserved to be punished.

"We're here," announced Steve and I stood behind him as he hovered over the frozen wasteland below us. "There's a weapons locker at the back of the quinjet."

I went to it and pressed the control to extend it, choosing a familiar looking gun. Steve finished his checklist and came back, picking his own weapons, then putting his shield on. Pressing a control, the back ramp lowered.

"Remember Rockaway Beach and the freezer truck?" he asked.

I smirked. "When we bought hot dogs with our train money?"

"When you tried to win a bear for that redhead," he replied. "Her name was Dolores, but you kept calling her Dot."

I remembered and gave out a short laugh. Fuck, we were so young then. With a nod, Steve put his helmet on, and we stepped down the ramp. There was a snow vehicle parked there, no doubt left there by the fake doctor. Even though there was light snow the tracks were still visible as were his footprints, so he hadn't been there very long. We stood in front of the entrance to the facility then looked at each other before stepping into the darkness inside. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.*

Some time later

It didn't hurt. Not really, except for the shock of my titanium arm being gone. The beating I took at the hands of Tony Stark hurt more. That suit of his packed a punch but together Steve and I disabled him. Once he learned what I did I knew he wouldn't hold back. I couldn't blame him, not really. He reacted the way a son should when he learned the man in front of him was the man who killed his parents. Part of me wanted to give up, to let him have his pound of flesh but when he started laying into Steve it was like the 1930s again. I couldn't not be involved, couldn't let him hurt my friend. So, we fought him together and left him inside the HYDRA facility to make our way back to the quinjet. After that, we didn't know where we would go, except away from here.

Then we saw him, the Black Panther, Prince T'Challa of Wakanda, the man who tried to kill me in revenge for killing his father. What was most surprising was that he had the fake doctor, in cuffs and was herding him towards us.

"I am sorry that I did not believe you, Sergeant Barnes," he said, in that crisp and precise accent of his. "The Colonel here has confessed to my father's murder and to framing you for it. I am taking him in."

"You may want to take another passenger," said Steve. "Tony Stark is inside. His suit isn't functioning."

"Where will you go?" asked the prince. "The damage to the arm is extensive."

Steve and I looked at each other. "We haven't got a clue," said Steve, "but we'll find somewhere that will treat him, not just for the arm."

T'Challa tilted his head, in an inquiring way. "I have commands implanted in my mind," I said, then nodded at the prisoner. "He found the book with the command words and activated me in Berlin to spread chaos while he escaped. As long as they're there I'll be at risk of being reactivated. Do you still have the book?"

The prisoner's face was sullen, and he didn't answer at first then T'Challa leaned in close and murmured something to him. A look of acceptance passed over the man's face.

"Yes, I will give the location to the prince," he said, then he looked at me. "My apologies. You never asked to be made into a weapon. My grief over the death of my family in Sokovia overwhelmed me into taking the actions I did."

I wasn't sure I accepted his apology but at least he would face justice for his crimes. As for me, I didn't have any idea who would have the ability to fix an arm designed by a madman, or a brain tampered with as much as mine had been. As we walked into our aircraft T'Challa told us not to take off yet as he put the man into his aircraft and made sure he was secure. Then he came into ours and looked at both of us.

"May I?" he asked, gesturing to the remnants of my destroyed arm.

I nodded and he approached it, then gently raised it to peer inside at the circuitry. His lips pursed as he examined it then he straightened up and looked at me.

"How is it attached to your body?"

"They removed my original shoulder, even though it survived the fall from the train," I began, noticing Steve wincing, as he still felt guilt for not coming to look for me. I squeezed his shoulder as I knew the thought that I survived that fall wouldn't have occurred to him at the time. "They built a metallic version and attached it to my skeleton. I'm always in pain from it. The arm weighed so much it changed how I walked and how I moved but they never tried to improve it for my sake. It was meant for one thing and one thing only."

I didn't say it out loud, but the prince nodded sagely, understanding. Once again, he asked if he could take a closer look and I undid my leather jacket, exposing the shoulder area. Gently, he reached inside and touched the metal plate of the shoulder unit feeling the extent of where it was grafted onto my body. He tried to keep his face neutral, but I could see the disgust on his face. Then he placed his palm on it and lifted it off, looking me in the eye.

"For how many years have you had this monstrosity attached to your body?" he asked.

"Since 1945," I said. "They updated it in 1951 after another super soldier destroyed it, tearing it in half."

Steve shifted and looked questioningly at me. I shook my head, not wanting to talk about it right then.

"I would like to offer you sanctuary in Wakanda, Sergeant Barnes," said T'Challa. "My country has the technology to replace the arm with a better prosthetic."

"I don't want it," I said, with certainty. "I won't kill anymore."

The prince tilted his head again as he nodded. "Then at least let us remove this shoulder and replace it with something more natural feeling. It will be a vast improvement on this." I gave him my agreement. "As for the things done to your brain to make you compliant ... our scientists in Wakanda, one in particular, can help you. We have ways to duplicate the layout of your mind. She can develop treatments, testing it on the duplicate before finding the best way to undo what was done to you."

"Another mad scientist?" I questioned him. "I don't think so."

"My younger sister is far from mad," smiled the prince. "Irritating, yes. A pain in my backside, sometimes. But she is gifted intellectually and will treat you with the humanity and compassion you deserve. Nothing will be done to you without your consent. I guarantee that as the next king of Wakanda, Sergeant Barnes. At the very least we can give you a safe haven."

His offer was unexpected, considering that just days ago he was ready to tear my throat out. But his gaze and his voice were steady, and I could feel the empathy that flowed from him. This was a man of his word and he had just thrown me a life preserver.

"You're willing to let me stay if you can't remove the words?" I asked, feeling the tears forming in my eyes.

"Yes," he replied firmly. "If it proves impossible to undo then we will provide you with a means to live a life of dignity on your terms."

"Alright, I accept," I said. "What now?"

He looked back outside through the ramp. "I will be delayed but I can input certain commands into your quinjet that will give you admittance to my country. You will be met by a ... delegation who will be expecting you." A slight smile creased his face. "Do not be alarmed by their demeanour as they are protectors of the royal family first, the country next, and are just doing their duty. But they will escort you to the medical centre where my sister will be waiting. I will join you when I can."

He followed us onto the quinjet and Steve gave him access to the flight computer. He also used our communications equipment to contact his country, I assume advising them of our arrival as he spoke their language. When he was done, he straightened and faced us both.

"They await your arrival," he said. Then he turned to Steve. "Your friends who assisted you at the airport have been imprisoned in a facility called The Raft. It is a very secure place, located under the waters of the North Atlantic Ocean. There is a possibility I may be able to assist you in finding it, but we can discuss that in Wakanda."

"Didn't you sign the Accords?" asked Steve.

A slight smile crossed the face of the young prince. "My father helped draft them but no, I didn't sign as they didn't know at the time that I was enhanced," he said. "It was not our intention to make the world aware of my existence. I don't think they envisioned that a single man would be able to do so much damage and make it look like another man's fault. Once I have ascended the throne, I will begin lobbying for them to be amended. A man shouldn't be stopped from doing the right thing because of a piece of paper." His gloves suddenly disappeared, and he offered us each his hand, shaking ours before he exited. "I will see you soon in Wakanda."

Steve belted me into the seat and took his place in the pilot's seat. He started up the quinjet and lifted it into the air then pushed the throttle getting us up to speed before turning the control over to the programmed autopilot. Stepping past me he looked in a compartment and came out with a first aid kit, then went to the head with a container, coming out with water, soap and cloths. He stood in front of me.

"You going to let me assess your injuries and clean you up?" he asked, a smirk on his face. "Goodness knows you did the same for me many times when we were young."

I returned his smirk and nodded, undoing my leather jacket. He helped me ease it off, then pulled the singlet I wore underneath off. Gently, his hands pressed into my sides as he watched my face for reaction.

"You're telling me you're not in pain," he said. "Your face gave away nothing."

"I'm in plenty of pain but I wasn't permitted to show it," I replied. "I'm pretty sure I've got a couple of broken ribs on my right side. If you can just bandage them up, they'll start to heal within the hour."

"What else does your serum do for you?"

"Mostly the same as yours, as it's the re-creation of the one made by the man who made yours," I said. "Increased healing capability, strength, stamina, ridiculous good health although they did their best to make me sick by the shit they fed me, slowed down aging, better reflexes, improved eyesight and hearing. I've been programmed to know a bunch of languages. Some of them I didn't know until I started reading them and found I could understand them. You know, just the standard super soldier serum with a few tweaks thrown in."

He cleaned the blood off of my torso and wrapped an elastic bandage around my middle, then turned his attention towards my face, gently cleaning the blood off.

"My memory improved," said Steve. "So did my ability to plan tactics." I gave him an incredulous look, remembering some of the things he planned when we were Howling Commandos. "Yeah, I'm still a reckless bastard sometimes. Even though I'm not comfortable with computers, it seems I have a predisposition to easily learning how to fly even the most advanced aircraft."

"Don't take this the wrong way but has it made you a better lover?" I asked. "I noticed certain physical changes in myself, not that I've had the freedom to go out and test it."

His face turned pink. "Well, I'm not a virgin anymore, if that's what you want to know," he said. "Lost it to a showgirl on the USO tour, didn't I tell you that? I guess I didn't because I lied and you gave me a pep talk after you tried to steal Peggy from me. The showgirl seemed happy with me. Peggy and I ... after you died, we spent a night together but it was more for finding comfort than for pleasure. We never really got that dance that she talked about. Since I woke up, nothing and no one."

"Not even the blonde?" I asked. "Sam told me who she was."

"The kiss was it," he answered. "Another lost opportunity."

"If you hadn't been frozen for so long, would you have gone back to Peggy after the war?"

"In a New York minute," he said, taping a bandage on a forehead cut. "She was it for me and she knew me before I was changed. We were friends first. When you're better, are you going back to being the old Bucky?"

"I don't think so. I don't think he exists anymore. It will probably be a long time before I get the chance to find out."

He tapped me on the shoulder to indicate I was finished and left to pour the bloody water down the head. I could hear the tap running so he must have stayed in there to wash up himself. When he came out, he had his jacket in his hand, wearing just a white undershirt underneath. He went over to another compartment and opened it pulling out a gym bag. From that he pulled out another undershirt and tossed it to me, pulling a T-shirt out for himself. When I struggled putting mine on, he helped. Then he grabbed some more energy bars and juice which we both inhaled.

"A scientist with the Avengers figured a super soldier needs 10,000 calories a day just to function," he said. "How did you manage with the shit they fed you?"

"I guess that's why they put me back into a frozen state so many times," I replied. "Maybe so they didn't have to feed me so often. Although I remember sometimes them saying I was in too long. It made me weak which kind of defeated the purpose of having me."

"Perhaps the Wakandans can decrypt some of the files on you and find out more," said Steve. "With all the manpower and time HYDRA invested in you I can't believe they would deliberately starve you unless they did it for a reason."

"Yeah, everything they did had a reason," I said, sarcastically. I shifted and felt the pain of my ribs, making me inhale quickly, forgetting the conditioning. Steve put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm okay, just can't move too quickly. Can we talk about something else?"

For a while we talked about Brooklyn and how much it had changed from our day. He lived in the city, but found the time to visit some of our old haunts, at least the ones that were still there. We talked about us sharing a place once all of this was resolved. It was hypothetical but in a way it felt good to think about the future when the present was looking so bleak. As we sat there musing of what used to be and of things to come I remembered something that he said while we were on the way to Siberia. I don't know why I thought of it at that moment, perhaps a fragment of a forgotten memory had just nudged itself into my mind.

"You mentioned something about Peggy, about looking for me."

"Yeah, she was mostly crying when she said it and I was more concerned about calming her down," he replied. "She just said she was sorry that she failed. The nurse at the nursing home said she often blurted out things about her work. We would be having a nice conversation then it would be like a switch went off in her mind and she thought I was still lost in the ice."

He looked at me expectantly but whatever glimmer of a memory I'd had was gone and I shook my head. At that moment I yawned and he pulled that berth down, gesturing for me to take it.

"Rest," he said. "I'll catch a few winks when you wake up."

I wasn't going to argue with him as I was exhausted. That fight with Stark took a lot out of me. Sleep came quickly and was only interrupted by Steve's baritone voice waking me to say we were there.

"What happened to having your own rest?" I asked.

He grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm a super soldier. I figured you needed it more. They've taken remote control of the aircraft. They did once we entered their airspace. You gotta see this place."

Offering me his hand he helped me off the berth and put me in the pilot's seat while he stood behind me. It was an incredible view, with green mountains, waterfalls, and blue-green lakes. Then it seemed like a curtain opened before us and we saw a city that seemed to be right out of a science fiction novel. Tall towers, some of them covered in cascading vegetation, were interspersed with a monorail snaking its way through the city. It was incredible and both of us were speechless.

Effortlessly, whoever had control of the quinjet landed us in an open plaza that had many soldiers, both men and women, lined up in formation. The women, from what we could see through the cockpit window, had shaved heads. We looked at each other, in a slightly concerned way, as both sets of guards looked very capable. Steve helped me on with my jacket but we left it unbuttoned as we could already feel the heat and humidity of this exotic place. Pressing the button that opened the ramp we waited for it to lower and a guard of six women were lined up with another woman waiting.

"Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes," she said, in a no-nonsense voice. "I am General Okoye, the commander of the Dora Milaje. My king asked me to meet you here and escort you to our medical centre."

While she spoke I recognized that both of us, but especially me, were being assessed. There was no doubt in my mind that this woman was an experienced soldier. Her manner was authoritative but also professional and extremely confident. I had no doubt that these women soldiers were fully capable of handling two super soldiers, reinforced by how they moved when we began our walk. There was also the way she said "my king", as if she felt a personal responsibility for him. Then I remembered what T'Challa had said about our delegation. They were protectors of the royal family first, then the country. In other words these women were his personal guard, responsible for the safety of an enhanced human, who likely didn't need much protection.

The next few hours were a blur as they efficiently but patiently helped me clean up first then change into soft white hospital wear of pants and a wrap around top. Their voices were soft, always with a please and thank you while they asked me to lie in place while scans were done of my body. Blood was taken from me, with my permission, also done quickly and professionally. It was like nothing I had ever experienced with HYDRA and quite frankly, I found myself distracted by the modern equipment that surrounded me, wanting to know what each piece was and what its function was. They answered all of my questions. Even though there were three Dora Milaje present with me at all times I never felt threatened, nor did they seem to be afraid of me, just on alert. Steve was shown somewhere else that he could clean up. Occasionally I saw him in the background, talking with a very young woman who I assumed was Princess Shuri, T'Challa's genius sister.

Finally, the meeting between me and the princess happened. She was definitely a younger sister. Her attitude reminded me of Rebecca. I felt at ease with her almost immediately.

"Sergeant Barnes," she smiled, as an attendant helped me remove the wrap around shirt I wore. "May I touch you?"

Her eyes flickered to my damaged arm then focused on the shoulder. I gave her permission and she ran her fingers over the seam between metal and skin, pressing in occasionally then she stepped back and nodded at the attendant who helped me put the shirt back on. She wore a beaded bracelet that she made a hand motion over, bringing up an image then projecting it to a solid background so it was visible to me.

"Whoever did this to you was a monster," she said, her indignation obvious in her voice. "You told my brother that your shoulder was intact at the time of the initial injury?" I nodded. "They removed a functioning part of your body in order to put in infrastructure to support an arm that must have weighed almost 60 pounds. It was inhumane, as they integrated it into your ribs, and your spine. It must be painful for you."

"It is," I replied. "Does this mean you can't do anything about it?"

She smiled, then patted my arm. "It's coming out," she said with assurance. "First I want to remove the remnants of this arm. It serves no purpose anymore. Once it is off we will begin the construction of a shoulder insert to replace what was forced on to you. It will still be metallic but we will use vibranium which is much lighter, stronger, and will not provoke an immune response as this one has done."

Her eyes were sad as she said that and I guessed she had recognized the still red scars on my back and chest for what they were, my own failed attempts to claw that metal hardware off of my body. She spoke of being able to construct a prosthetic and fully functional arm out of the same material. I was dead set against it at first then she showed me some film of amputees in their country who had been given limbs of the same material. They were from all parts of their society and other than the metallic appearance of the limbs there was no evidence that the function was for anything other than to live a normal life.

"I know you have experienced a great trauma, and that titanium arm forms part of it," she said carefully. "A vibranium arm will feel much more natural to you. If you choose to never wear it, then that is your choice. Please allow me to make it possible for you to have that choice when we have completed your treatment."

I agreed and then we moved on to the next topic, the code words. The prince had sent word that he had the book with the code words in hand. Whether there was another copy of it was unknown but not dismissed outright. I had thought about it while all of these tests were being done and had come to a decision, my decision.

"I think I should be frozen again while you figure out how to deal with the words. I don't want to be accidentally activated. The chance of me hurting someone or worse is too great."

"I agree," she replied. "I have an idea of how to render the words harmless, but it will take a lot of testing to verify my process. It won't be tested on you but on a virtual model of your brain. There was so much more they did to you, but I am still trying to understand their process and we need to decrypt more of the files on you before we begin treatment. Sergeant Barnes, I promise that your recovery will be a priority for me."

I reached out and grasped her hand, as much to reassure myself as to reassure her that I trusted her, and I did trust her. A team of people came in at that moment and my shirt was removed while they began to remove the remnants of my old arm. They were constantly checking on me, asking if I was feeling pain which I assured them was bearable, so pleased was I that I would never see that appendage again. When they were finally finished with the task of disassembling it a temporary cover was put over the exposed workings of the shoulder unit then an attendant helped me get a clean undershirt on.

At that point Steve was allowed in. Obviously, he had been told of my decision and I assured him it was for the best. I could see the prince just outside of my hearing range speaking earnestly with his sister. He had the book in his hand and handed it to her.

"I have the location of my friends," said Steve, noticing where my attention was focused. "I have to go to them."

"I know," I replied. "It's okay. I'm not going anywhere. Until these words are out of my head, I think this is the best place for me." I put my hand out and shook his, trying to maintain my composure. "Thanks for believing in me."

"There was never any doubt," he said. "I'll be back when I can."

The prince came over and offered his hand to me, reiterating once more that I was in a safe place and they would do all that they could to help me. With a deep breath I hopped off the table and went over to their cryostasis chamber, already a vast improvement on the HYDRA one. The cover on this one was fully transparent. I wouldn't feel like I was being sealed in a coffin or a torture chamber. As I stood on the platform, a nurse attached many different leads to points on my skin. Then I was strapped in and I watched as the cover came down. The last thing I remembered was a gentle cooling sensation on my skin then nothing.

*Henry V, Act III, Scene I, written by William Shakespeare.

Series Masterlist

Part 21>>

[leonbloder]

Surrounded by Miracles

The other day, while I was scrolling through my social media feeds while at the airport, I came across this incredible story: 

On August 9, 1942, Navy Signalman 3rd Class Elgin Staples was aboard USS Astoria (off the coast of Guadalcanal) when Japanese cruisers attacked the ship.  The Astoria was ultimately sunk, and over 200 crew were lost.  

Though wounded, Staples put on his life belt and jumped into the ocean before the sip went down.  He was later rescued by a US destroyer and, after months of recovery, returned home to Akron, Ohio.  

As he returned home, he examined the life belt that had saved him and noticed it had been made in his hometown.  When he informed his mother of this, she told him she had gotten a job at that factory after he shipped off.  

Upon closer examination, she saw something that shocked her.  The inspector number on the life belt was hers.  She tearfully told her son that she had personally inspected the life belt that had saved his life.  

After reading this story, I was blown away by just how many odds-defying things had to happen for this sailor to return home alive because of a life belt his mother's plant had not only manufactured but that she had held in her own hands.  

It's almost too easy to attribute this to Divine Intervention, and on the surface, it's hard to argue against this kind of incredible coincidence being guided by the hand of God somehow.

But when you think of the hundreds of thousands of mothers during World War II who were informed of the death of their sons and daughters instead of being reunited with them, the miraculous nature of this story loses some of its luster.  

How does a grieving mother mourning the loss of her son read this story?  What about the mothers of the 200 sailors lost on the Astoria the night that Elgin Staples went into the water? 

Doesn't this speak to an arbitrary and perhaps capricious God who picks and chooses who is saved and who is lost and then punctuates the salvation with a too-good-to-be-true miraculous story---the kind of story that might inspire some but leave others feeling forgotten? 

If you have ever listened to someone relate a tale of good fortune and against-all-odds survival, triumph, and the like and asked yourself, "Why didn't that happen to me?" you know exactly what I'm trying to say.  

Why did their partner live, and mine died?

Why did their child become a success, and mine is an addict?

Why did their marriage survive, and mine didn't?

Why did I get this diagnosis when so many others are healthy?

The story of Elgin Staples and his mother is an amazing one, to be sure. It speaks to the power of connectivity, to the ways we do little things that might have an incredible impact on people, most of whom we never know. 

Staples' mother inspected thousands of life belts that saved the lives of thousands of sailors.  It just so happened that she got the chance to experience firsthand the importance of what she was doing because one of those belts saved the life of her own son.  

Life is sometimes like that.  We get surprised by the mystery of it.  How we connect to the world, and the people around us overwhelms us.  

And God is in the midst of all of it.  God is in the miraculous moments and the moments of shock and dismay.   God is with us when what could have been lost forever is restored, and God is with us when we feel like we've lost everything.  

There isn't a single moment of our lives when we are not surrounded by the presence and love of God, no matter what we are facing.  And there are miracles in those moments if we are brave and open enough to seek them. 

Sometimes they are abundantly evident---right in front of us.  Other times we must look harder, let go of our fear and dread and dive deeper into whatever the moment brings.  

The fact is, miracles surround us.  We are constantly encountering odds-defying experiences.  These are the gifts that God brings to us even when we are suffering.  And it's these gifts that can give us hope when all hope seems lost. 

May you find the miracles around you every day.  May you discover the joy of knowing you are surrounded by a God who loves you beyond any love you could imagine. 

And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and always. Amen. 

[mvillamemoirs]

october 2020

Saturday, October 31st, 2020

-Today is Halloween and it doesn’t feel like it one bit. It feels like there’s nothing to be celebrated due to so many restrictions like COVID, my court thing, and financial responsibilities. Being an adult is hard. Sometimes I do have thoughts that if I were subtracted from the world, my anxiety and problems wouldn’t matter, but that’s obvious because I wouldn’t be alive. Got to remind myself that I am worthy, no one’s judgments matter but my own, and what matters is how I treat people while catering to my needs, too. I studied a lot for anatomy and psychology, checked out a lot of apartments, the search is fun but things in my future are getting serious. I feel like today was my only chance to go freely about what I want to do.

Friday, October 30th, 2020

-Went to work, love my boss’s enthusiasm as he was in the Halloween spirit in his costume. He felt hurt with me leaving yesterday 45mins after 5pm to get my therapy done, was i? I need to become more aware of how I am presently and keep my communication transparent. This morning me and MS agreed that we have outside lives and need to find the balance with patient flow while respecting time outside of business hours.

-Went to Dannys, had dinner, I feel like isolating myself from everything to get my moment of silence and isolation. I feel like things are moving fast, and I need to find time to relax and zen out. I need a breather from a busy week with work and school. I am okay, I adore friends like Steph checking in, but I really do just want space to move at my speed and spend time with myself again- Danny included.

Thursday, October 29th, 2020

-I feel like this period and the cycles of the moon are throwing me all out of whack. I feel a lot of ups and downs, have a long checklist to do, I am lacking in a lot of things- journaling helps, I feel like family judges (mom, meilani) and work is too. I need to kill this paranoia and stay on track with myself and focus.

-Went to dinner at Rays house for his mom’s birthday, I wanted to bring Danny but he was working, I had therapy, and I don;t now if it’s appropriate to bring a new face around during some one else’s celebration to take away their shine. I see me and Danny growing more and want him to make more effort coming around my family. Sometimes I feel alone when it comes to my circle of friends.

Wednesday, October 28th, 2020

-Cramping a lot at work. I don’t feel in the mood for anything at all. I feel disorganized with my life. Do I really want to do PT for my studies. Still pursue CMT in the meantime? I don’t like feeling wishy, washy with things, but I also don’t like the idea of not knowing.

Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

-Woke up in the morning, walked nala, did zoom class, went to work, walked nala again after work. Brought Danny lunch afterwards. Reflecting about Danny, am I doing things because that’s what I would want done to me versus exerting care in general? I need to take a step back and say ‘No’ sometimes, too, especially if I have tasks to do and so on.

Monday, October 26th, 2020

-Picked up Danny from the airport, called out of work to relax and get study time in. Felt productive and nice to have the house to myself again.

Sunday, October 25th, 2020

-Went to Lokahi, kept tabs on the Steelers, 6-0 baby. Find myself getting depressed and in my feels regarding the court situation. Time to study for psychology and read, read, read!

Saturday, October 24th, 2020

-Went to Lokahi for a shift, left by 1245 to go to Meilani and Drus house to head to Antioch for Roman’s 2nd birthday celebration at the park. It amazes me how loose they are with the COVID thing going on. A bit freaked out and made me realize that I am thankful to keep to myself outside of work, Danny and Steph. It was nice to see family, Brod brought up my dad, and I was okay with hearing about it. Not sure how Meilani feels, but it’s getting better when that subject comes up. I feel the love in the air overall!

Friday, October 23rd, 2020

-Went to Stephs and target, too, after work.

Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

-woke up in the morning, walked nala, did zoom class, went to work, got off and walked nala again.

Wednesday, October 21st, 2020

-Woke up at Dannys at 430am or so, went outside to go have a smoke with him and came back to cuddle.

-Woke up, texted boss about coming in an hour later, it’s really no biggie at this rate about losing hours as I enjoy myself.  “You can always make money, you can’t always make memories.” Plus, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before he takes off to Texas for the next few days. Hopefully this will give me time to clean my car, get ahead and study, and have solo dolo time. Breakfast at Los Gatos cafe, went to bills cafe and then airport.

-Went to work after dropping Danny off at the airport. It was a weird vibe there of course. Pushed through some billing, then did work in the back. So much tension with one person in the building- who cares.

Tuesday, October 20th, 2020

-Had class and dissected the sheep’s heart. It’s interesting adapting to this online learning. I was a bit frustrated with identifying calves and parts of it. Luckily things got easier as I cut the sheep heart open, and went from there. I’m getting better at actively asking for help when things are unclear to me, as well as communicating with my Mom. 

-Went to work, MS called me fake- but whatever, she doesn’t know me and can judge all she wants. It’s annoying having a whiny co-worker, who’s incompetent and complains about so much, but does less. Whatever.

-Went to grab mountain mikes with Danny. Had wine at his house, enjoyed each other’s company. Rewatched queen of the south with him, even though I binged watched it before-no biggie.

Monday, October 19th, 2020

-Went to work, Milenna caught an attitude. My vibes were up with everyone including patients. She is so prissy, stuck up and angry with the world and it’s so annoying catering to her needs. She’s a spoiled one but that’s not going to stop me from enjoying life. I’m so sure of myself and what I bring to the table at work and people, so I’m going to continue having a great time. Glad it’s not only me who think she’s condescending- i thought I was losing my mind for a bit.

-Went to stephs for a bit to build a tv stand. I was getting excited that Danny might’ve gotten off work early, but nope. Ended up leaving Stephs pretty late, but found myself in bed at 3am.

Sunday, October 18th, 2020

-Woke up and left Danny’s place since I had to go to work at Lokahi. Very easy day with only one practitioner, but didn’t get to leave by 3pm as I wanted to. It’s okay as long as she got the help and support she needed. Finished all of my tasks early, so all I had to do was study for the psych midterm due tonight.

-Met up with Danny for an hour before he had to go to work at the Plant. Mentioned about the sex thing and it got him fired up. We’re definitely headed in the right direction with open communication and trust. He was aggravated about going into work when he didn’t feel like it, told him I would drop him lunch which I did after scoring an A on the multiple choice portion of the midterm.

-Made shoyu meat and brought it to him on his lunch. Timing was perfect and he mentioned about someone testing positive for COVID on his line and didn’t know what to do. I told him to report it because other people can be going home to kids or elders and it shouldn’t be a hush-hush situation at Tesla as COVID is a global pandemic.

-Came home, studied for a bit and attempted to do anatomy homework. Then went to bed by 1:10am.

Saturday, October 17th, 2020

-Super excited for my massage, got a lot of studying done before. Danny had to go to work, so after the massage, I went to SF to meet up with Aneshia, catch up, get the bread and come back. Some paranoia of wear and tare on my car, but Aneshia is totally worth it without a doubt. I love her, and she really is like family.

-Almost got into a fight with Danny, it made me realize I need to be clearer with my communication as he was expecting me sooner without knowing I was barely leaving SF. We squashed it, talked it out, and went to grab dinner. It’s getting easier with him, and I love this open communication we’re having.

-Realized today was Holly’s last day at Lokahi- she’ll do great in her future endeavors. Wish I bonded with her more, and even got treatment from her. Glad she’s moving forward to Berkeley.

Friday, October 16th, 2020

-Today’s was Daphne’s birthday, texted her after work. It kind of slipped my mind, but I haven’t heard from her as far as any plans. Work was productive, worked on collections and patient focus.

-Hung out with Danny and stayed at his pad the rest of the evening. 

Thursday, October 15th, 2020

-Woke up, did some laundry, class made me a bit irritated as the professors wifi kept shutting off. We only had class for an hour so I gave Nala a bath, did some laundry, made food and went to work. Came home and walked Nala. Had therapy session, did some studying as homework was due.

-Texted Yolanda for her birthday, she’s planning on having a beach day this coming weekend. . we shall see if it happens or not.

Wednesday, October 14th, 2020

-Work went really well. Getting better at getting to know patients and verbiage.

-went to stephs after work to play with Henny-super cute dog! I’m really digging her new studio. She made me dinner, hung out and just chilled til super late to come home to Nala.

Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

-Woke up this morning, walked nala, made breakfast and attended my zoom class. I like how it feels as if a productive bug bit me. I really need to get my grade up in Anatomy, and I see myself maintaining and studying ahead of time for this upcoming psychology midterm.

-Came home, ate dinner, walked Nala. Wondering if me and Danny are going to work out. Time to back to studying.

Monday, October 12th, 2020

-Went to work, vibes were up- it made me really appreciate the work that I do and that I love my job.

-Came home and walked Nala. Tried to get some studying into the evening knowing that I have a proctored test coming up. NHI massage classes were supposed to start tonight, but still no word from the financial advisor until the school director reached out to me. Felt like all they wanted was my money, but something in my gut was telling me to wait for it. I think I was being overambitious with putting things on my plate regarding educational reasons.

-Still sad about the issue with Danny. A bit irritated. How are we supposed to work out in the long run if he blows up on me and shuts me out.

Sunday, October 11th, 2020

-Woke up, walked nala, studied all day- felt very productive! It’s nice having all of this time to get quality studying in. While walking Nala I was thinking that this is a good move, as I can focus and make moves to a better, brighter future.

-I feel more accepting with whatever is happening with the whole Danny situation. Had an enlightening moment when I turned to alcohol when I’m feeling down. It reminded me of the exact same feeling of the 4th of July weekend when getting arrested. I can’t just pick myself up and shift my mind to a happy state when all of this upsetting, unfortunate things are happening. I can’t keep thinking things are okay, when they’re not. I have to make a better habit of facing reality for what it is. Makes me feel like I find the good in people and zone in on it, when really I should also acknowledge the bad things, too. I feel played by Danny. I feel like this time I really tried to make things work, and he just doesn’t care when he drinks too much and I don’t feel like sliding through.

-I see myself smoking more cigarettes, but made a bigger effort smoking a few puffs versus an entire stoge in one sitting. 

-Went to stephs to get out of the house. Helped pack up a couch from my house and followed her to her place. Over indulged in junk food while watching Big Daddy, and instantly feel regret by putting crap in my system.

Saturday, October 10th, 2020

-Woke up a bit late to get to my ortho appointment. Feeling numb to everything. Had my braces tightened, came back home and walked Nala. Studied before meeting up with Aneshia to get my baked goods that she made. Talked to one of my favorite aunty’s in the meantime to get my mind off of Danny. It was very refreshing heading up to SF and catching up with Aneshia and Rodney- made my entire week, and was definitely a boost to feeling crappy about the night before regarding Danny.

-Thinking about talking to Theo again, or just to get it in- but I don’t want to keep repeating history and open up that chapter.

-Knocked out very early to catch up on sleep from the night before. I don’t feel as bothered about Danny as much. Still bothered, but I have to let it go. Fool me once, shame on you- this is the second time- what the hell was I thinking.

Friday, October 9th, 2020

-Went to work, excited that it was a short day. Started thinking about all of the school work I’d get done, and catch up on studying for anatomy. Vibes were up. Tried to sneak in a study session in a morning lab- kind of backfired as my boss didn’t like it, but felt very useful with going over histology slides with another professor.

-Came home, studied very hard. Talked to Danny who was at work, apparently he got in a fight and needed a ride. I came to get him and blow in his intoxalock, and brought him to his Dad’s house. Still told him I was going to help Steph move into her new place, and wouldn’t be free til 930pm. I don’t like cancelling plans, and this is a big thing for my bestfriend.

-Nighttime plans with Danny backfired. I think we’re done. Arguing over calling dinner, and he lashes out on me as he’s drinking all day. So flustered- feel defeated. Ended up drinking with Steph and having pizza for the night. Found it hard to sleep due to how bothered I was with the whole Danny situation. I guess we’re over.

Thursday, October 8th, 2020

-Very productive day in the morning with laundry, taking my dog out and cleaning. Did my class session via Zoom- very tuned in. Went to work and felt it dreading a bit. Milenna mentioned she was ‘over the day’ and misery loves company- and that kind of mental attitude threw me off big time as I started to feel out of it too.

-Filled out registration to become a CMT- super excited. Just have to figure out finances and financial aid, too. The intro to sports massage was a good class, I feel motivated to get it done!

Wednesday, October 7th, 2020

-Went to work, vibes were up and meshing with everyone. Taking time to think about my response versus instantly reacting helps a lot. I feel more patient.

Tuesday, October 6th, 2020

-Woke up in the morning to Danny calling me saying that he brought me coffee and breakfast. Second time around and it’s making me take note of how sweet and thoughtful he is. It’s the little things. Still have to remind myself not to have expectations, take situation as it is. Grow and cheer for each other.

Monday, October 5th, 2020

-Focused at work, focused on patients and making connections while getting notes done. Very productive and feel balanced as a worker. Still need to work on TIRP, medical records, etc.

Sunday, October 4th, 2020

-Went to Salinas with Danny to his aunts house. It’s so nice out there, it feels nice to get away from SJ. Itching to travel more, but COVID and airlines make me feel weird. Not comfortable yet, but looking at this time as a moment to save up and focus on my studies and work.

Saturday, October 3rd, 2020

-Walked my dog in the morning, had some breakfast and mimosas with Danny before my part time gig. Very productive day. Studied a lot for school. I feel admired by Danny, I like this whole being friends then more pattern we’ve got going on.

Friday, October 2nd, 2020

-The morning at work went really well! Excited for Umar to take off to celebrate his birthday. I’m so thankful for him as a coworker level, and friend level. I appreciate his work and drive, too! He’s consistent and that’s what I like in general with anyone and everyone. It’s embarrassing how the intern can also see how MS is a bit lazy and prissy. It reassures me that it’s not solely me and in my head.

-Excited to see Danny after work. Made pasta and chicken. If I reflect back on everything this week, ‘me time’ looks like it’s going to be well-needed and deserved.

Thursday, October 1st, 2020

-Woke up extra chipper today and fully rested. Did my online class- had so many questions for the professor. Reflecting on the test and past chapters to date, it always seems so easy once you overcome it, but never during it. Reminding myself that this is growth. Skeletal and muscle system seems more complex versus bones and cells now. But it shouldn’t be this hard since i work in a chiropractic office.

-Anyways, work went really well. It’s been going well for some time now. It’s all about perspective and getting things done. Keeping communication open with patients, because without them I have no job.

-Went to Dannys after he got off of work. Expressed my stress and irritations with school, also our schedules overlapping, and with CMT classes starting soon, he might hardly see me even less now. I love that he wants me to keep going now versus waiting down the road. I even like how he sees us living with each other to make even more changes with work. I like this side of him that i’m seeing more of. He seems more patient with me and vice versa, and I feel very at ease with him now than i did before.

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

I'm going to have to (respectfully 😉) disagree with you about Walker. Warning: This got super long, so sorry about that. More after the cut.

Disclaimer: I haven't seen TFATWS in a long time so I may be forgetting a few things. Forgive me if so.

The first is I think it's important to remember that Walker stole a vial because he was obsessed with the super soldier serum (enough scenes were proof of that, most notably the one he has with Bucky) and the series was clear enough in showing Walker was not mentally stable - which of course the serum amplified as we know.

The discussion regarding the shield is about who gets to wield it. I don't think any of us have a problem with heroes killing people (at least I don't) but the circumstances of how those people are killed are the important part here.

Walker is running after Nico yelling "where is she?" referring to Karli. The next thing Nico does is yell he didn't do it, so they're both talking about two different things, but once Walker puts his foot on Nico's chest (this is after taking the serum) it's obvious he's stronger than him and Nico doesn't stand a chance. We, as the audience, see this clear as day. But as we also know he's not mentally stable and the serum only made that worse, he goes straight for vengeance and kills an unarmed man who is in fact surrendering at that very moment.

Now, you say Steve has killed before. Of course he has. But were any of those murders vicious? No, they weren't. He kills because he needs to stop the bad guys, not because he's enjoying those kills. I think it's clear that Walker had no issue enjoying this kill (think of Thor with Thanos in IW, it's the same thing).

When you mention that Nico didn't want Walker to do what he had done to him earlier, I agree with you. But that's the thing: we expect heroes to be better, we demand them to be better. And Walker failed at this. Compare it to what Bucky does to another Flagsmasher I think in the very same episode: he tells him to stand down and he walks away leaving him alive.

Now, the other thing is this idea that Sam and Bucky were mean to Walker from the start "for no reason". That is not true. They didn't like him, yes, but they had enough reasons not to.

First, Sam thought the shield was going to stay in a museum to honour Steve but then he finds out on TV that not only the government wasn't going to do that, but they had lied to his face and given it to a new guy. And this new guy is on live TV saying Steve was like a brother to him despite the fact that he had never actually met him?

And as if that wasn't bad enough, he tells both Sam and Bucky "I am the government" and most importantly he calls them "Cap's wingmen". Wingmen?! How insulting is that? And of course, he had the gall to call off Bucky's therapy. Walker didn't want an actual team, he wanted to be a leader and he expected everyone else to be his "sidekicks". If that's not enough reason to not like him...

(And this is not counting the times we see him losing his temper with other people and the many times Lemar has to intervene to cool him down)

Now, you mention they attacked Walker to get the shield back, but that's not true. The very first thing Sam and Bucky do is try to talk to him (much like Steve had done with Stark in the airport in CW). Bucky even told him to "not go down that road" to which Walker replied "I'm not like you" (kind of a jerk thing to say to Bucky of all people, don't you think?).

As for Sam, his literal quote is: "Listen, it was the heat of the battle, okay? If you explain what happened, they may consider your record". How is that going for the attack? That's Sam being sympathetic to Walker, trying to reach out to him. But at that moment we get two close-ups of Walker's face and we can tell that he's not mentally well. He doesn't listen to anything Sam or Bucky say to him, and they start fighting.

Walker was going for the kill during that fight (he even tries the exact same move he had made on Nico twice on Sam and once on Bucky), but Sam and Bucky weren't trying to kill him at all. In fact, once they break Walker's arm, Sam tries to convince him to stop, but he won't listen so they have to render him almost unconscious to finish the fight. So, I'm sorry but no, there is no way this fight was Sam or Bucky's fault.

Oh, and two more things. They worked with Zemo, yeah, but only because they needed him. I wouldn't say they trusted him or they even liked him (even though the series does try to make him sympathetic, but that's another story) - like Bucky said, they only had him around because they needed him. And the blood on the shield is a symbol, much like the shield is a symbol itself. It is there not because Steve had never killed before or he had never tainted it with blood before, I'm sure he did many times, but it's the how that matters. That's why that shot of the bloodied shield is so huge.

If we're talking about accountability, I can't for the life of me comprehend how Walker got off scot-free for Nico's death, mostly because the Avengers were put on the spot many times for a lot less. If Sam had done that, you think they would have been so forgiving? I find that hard to believe.

I still believe his saving of the van is framed as a redemption of sorts, which tied to the fact that he walked out of Nico's murder (oh, and lying to Lemar's family) as a free man, is kinda annoying, if I'm being honest. And again, not mentioning that he wanted to show up at the funeral guns blazing and he didn't give a damn how many people would die from that (Sam and Bucky have to convince him not to).

Walker was framed as unstable from the get go, and if he's going to be a morally grey flawed character then I'm all for that and it sounds super fun to watch, but he can't be a hero and sure as hell he can't be Captain America. US agent? Sure, but not Cap.

Good is not a thing you are. It's a thing you do.

Credit to the original Ms. Marvel comics for that quote

A sentiment that is sadly lost on the current MCU

That quote is perfect 👌

I'm afraid Phase 4's core message is the exact opposite of that. You're good if we frame you as good regardless of your actions. And if we frame you as bad no matter what you do, you will be considered a villain.

Loki is the only one in the series who doesn't do anything wrong, who doesn't commit any crime or who doesn't abuse his power. Mobius and Sylvie murder people and commit awful crimes, but those are swept under the rug while Loki is condemned.

John Walker abuses his power, he murders a surrendering and unarmed man in plain daylight, he's willing to risk the lives of many to get Karli.... but he saves a van. He was "good" all along.

Ikaris betrays his team and kills Ajak but he goes on a tirade about how hard it was for him to know the truth as if Ajak hadn't known it for longer than him and carried the weight with her for years. But hey, he gets a lot of compassion while she gets none. Poor thing, he wasn't all bad.

And sometimes the movies handle things right, like what Wakanda Forever did with Namor, but the fanon misses the point completely and justifies his every action.... surely influenced by the way Marvel is treating a lot of their characters lately.

Dunno, I'd rather have movies that judge actions regardless of 'who is doing what' because that's how you make stories interesting. In the past, Marvel would write imperfect heroes and relatable villains who had a point.... but now the heroes act like villains and the bad guys have more morals than them.... but they're still framed as evil 🤷‍♀️