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ssoulphrase · 5 months ago

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00. The Curiosity of Haku Shota

Pairing: alien!soul x fem!reader

Genre: Slice of life, fluff

Warnings: mentions of bugs (´-`)

Word Count: 2,159

👾 - I decided to write a small piece as a filler for the actual fic I'm writing with this concept. I realized it was gonna take me longer than I wanted, so l'm writing this to get me motivated T^T I wanted my debut to be the longer fic but oh well :) This can be read as a stand alone as it doesn't add much to the main plot :) The main fic wil be linked once it's finished!

Sorry in advance if there's any mistakes,l wrote this kinda fast ( ´～｀)

⋆.˚𖦹⋆✮⋆.˚

💿 - Aya Hirano, Super Driver !!

“Y/n! Come on! Wake up! Don’t waste your summer lying around all day! I wanna do stuff!!”

Ugh…

It’s been a couple of months since Soul crashed into your apartment, him first arriving at the time when you were still in classes. He’s become accustomed to your way of life quickly, seamlessly blending into what is human society. However, it's now summer, and he’s been begging every day to do something new, saying that it’s all for his ‘research.’ You laid on your carpeted floor, limbs sprawled out in a starfish shape as the cheap fan you bought at a market once was blasting at full speed, squeaking as it does its turns.

“What is it that you want to do Soul…?” The grogginess in your voice made it evident that you had no intention of getting up at any moment. However, Soul continued on, ignoring your groggy state.

“I want to go on a bike ride! Oh! And have a picnic! And draw with chalk! And maybe go star gazing at night!”

“That’s quite the list you’ve got there…” Although these were pretty mundane things to you, you couldn’t help but entertain Soul and his shenanigans, his excitement lifting a small smile upon your lips.

“I know! I thought about it all last night! It's stuff I've heard humans do during their free time.” A proud grin made itself onto his lips.

“Okay,” you chuckled fondly, “come help me make some sandwiches then.” It was just like Soul to drag you out of your apartment to do something. Just yesterday, the two of you had gone bug catching, Soul having the brilliant idea to make it a contest to see who could catch the most. It was no surprise to see that he had caught more than you by the end of it, boasting about having done his research on the most efficient way humans catch bugs. Of course, you didn’t let him keep any of the bugs he caught as you didn’t want any crawling around in your apartment. He dejectedly let the bugs go, seeing them fly out into the horizon. You couldn’t lie though, the scenery was beautiful (minus the flapping of the bugs…), the sun was starting to set just beyond the horizon and if it wasn’t for Soul, you would have spent this summer alone in your apartment.

“You, know they might return the favor one day, since you were so kind to let them go.” You glanced to your side, Soul was staring at the sunset in awe as all the little bugs he caught flew away.

“Return the favor?” He ripped his eyes from the sight in front of him to look at you in confusion. You couldn’t help but admire how ethereal he looked under the sun’s rays, his sun kissed skin and deep brown eyes reflected the sun’s true colors as the bit of breeze that picked up swept his hair, his eyebrows furrowed deeply.

“C’mon,” you chuckled, “Let’s go back home.”

Cut back to now, you lazily got up off your carpeted floor, already missing the fan’s cool breeze against your face

“What type of sandwiches are we making??” Soul excitedly followed behind you as you slowly made your way into your cramped kitchen.

“I guess whatever we find in the fridge…” Luckily, you did have the correct ingredients to make sandwiches, having bought the stuff a couple of weeks ago. You spent the next thirty minutes teaching Soul how to make a simple ham and cheese sandwich, not because of his lack of experience but because of your lack of ingredients (which he didn’t seem to mind), his excitement over making sandwiches made the chore a bit more bearable.

⋆⭒˚.⋆🪐 ⋆⭒˚.⋆

“C’mon! Hurry up! I wanna get to the park already!”

“I’m coming…” Soul had already reached the end of the steps, waiting beside your baby blue bike that you had gotten for your birthday. He had already placed the basket of food onto the bike’s built in basket, hands on his hips as he waited for you to ascend the stairs.

“You know, we’re gonna have to pass by the store to get the chalk you wanted, cuz I certainly don’t have any…” You finally reached the end of the stairs, Soul’s frown turning into a smile.

“I’ve got that settled already!”

There’s that proud smile again…

“What? How?”

“Your neighbor! I had mentioned it a while ago to her while you were out shopping, and she let me borrow some as long as we bring them back!” Soul boasted, you could only let out a sigh in response.

“So you had this all planned, huh? C’mon, get on the back of the bike.” Soul eagerly made his way on the back of your bike, holding onto your waist for security. The bike ride to the park was surprisingly peaceful. You half expected Soul to ask you about every little thing he saw on the way. Instead, he sat quietly behind you, squeezing you once in a while to hold on when the tighter turns came.

Soul honestly just liked being in your presence. He knew that asking you many questions tired you out, having once realizing that when your tone of voice turned into something less friendly by what seemed like his 500th question that day. Soul once again hugged you tighter, feeling only grateful for all you’ve done for him since he got there, a feeling he doesn’t experience often. Sure, he’s always experienced excitement ever since he arrived on Earth, especially when you comply to his wishes, however, sometimes he feels this inexplicable feeling in his chest whenever he’s close to you, almost as if he’s out of breath. He wonders if you’ve ever felt that before.

He might have to do some research on that later.

“Soul, we’re here.” Your voice broke through his thoughts as he eagerly jumped off your bike as you went to park it. While he was running off to who knows where, you looked for a good place under the shade to set the quilted picnic blanket you brought.

“Y/n! Come! What’s that vehicle over there???” You looked to what seemed to be an ice cream truck, you knew what he was going to ask once you told him, however, a good ice cream cone would be wonderful in this hot weather.

“It’s a truck that sells ice cream. You want some?” You weren’t surprised when he eagerly nodded his head yes, running over to stand behind all the other children who were begging their parents to get them ice cream.

“Do you know what flavor you want?” Once you caught up to him, you looked over the poster plastered onto the side of the truck, skimming through all the flavors they had.

“I’ll try what you have, I’m not particularly interested in any one of them. If I could, I'd try them all…”

Of course you would…

“Hmm, should we try the strawberry then?”

“Sure!”

The two of you had what seemed to be a feast for the both of you as you gobbled up every piece of food you had brought plus the ice cream, Soul seeming to be the one enjoying it the most. After the meal however, Soul ran off to chase some bugs again while you stayed seated in your spot on the blanket under the shade, having had enough of the ‘creepy crawlies’ since your small excursion the day before. Without noticing, an affectionate gaze landed upon your features as you looked over Soul who was carefully examining the grass beneath the (already) dirty sneakers you let him borrow. You couldn’t help but build a sense of endearment towards the alien that appeared in your apartment unannounced. It was only natural, right? You had spent several months together by now, Soul accompanying you through almost everything. You’d feel a little strange if he wasn’t there by your side bugging you about every ‘cool’ thing he saw. You wondered how you’d feel once his research period was over and he’d have to go back home.

“Y/n!”

There he goes calling my name again…

“Yes Soul?”

“Let’s go draw with the chalk!” He was already running off again, expecting you to be able to catch up to his speed. He led you towards the pavement pathway where previous chalk drawings were, some already being washed out due to age.

“What are you planning to draw?” Soul handed you a few chalk pieces before going a few squares away from you.

“It’s a secret!” You playfully rolled your eyes at his childlike nature, his nose scrunched as he turned away to scribble. You drifted your sight to the empty pavement square beneath you, sighing.

Guess I’ve gotta draw something…

Your artistic skills weren’t the best per se, but you couldn’t help but feel a little proud of the cute but childlike drawing made out of the pastel chalk colors Soul had handed you. You were so engaged in your drawing, however, that you didn’t see or hear Soul walking behind you.

“That’s your drawing?” Soul’s soft but snarky voice came from behind you, eliciting another eye roll from you.

“Oh, come on! Show me yours then!” You stomped your way to his square on the pavement, a series of squiggles and lines as well as intricate shapes were drawn with the chalk.

“Uh, what’s that?”

“It’s the writing system we use in space! I was hoping that if I write it big enough, my friends and family up there will be able to see it!” He wore that proud grin once more, showing off his penmanship in his language.

“Oh! What does it say then?” You stepped closer to examine his work, intrigued by the intricate work that went into the writing.

“Um, just letting them know that I’m doing okay,” his right hand went to rub his chin in thought, “I wonder if I wrote it big enough though…”

“I’m sure they’ll see it,” you reassured him, “They’ll be happy to hear that you’re doing well.” You tried giving him a reassuring smile to ease the worry that was present on his face, his eyebrows furrowed deep in thought.

“You really think so? Okay then!” In the blink of an eye, his worrisome expression changed to his usual carefree smile that he carries.

That was fast…

“Y/n! Let’s go draw something together over there!” And once again, Soul was dragging you to another place to draw. You spent the rest of the afternoon drawing on the pavement with Soul, him claiming that this has to be the ‘best drawing to ever exist,’ meaning that he wanted to put in the extra time to perfect it as much as possible. What he wanted to execute though, was a ‘family portrait’ of you and him so that his family and friends in space would be able to see what he was up to. And as always, you obliged to his demands, putting in the extra elbow grease to draw it as he imagined it. As a finishing touch, Soul added the orange, tabby cat that hung out on your balcony at random times, Soul claiming that they’re best friends.

“Perfect! We’re done!” Soul looked over the drawing with pride, the sun had already set and the stars were starting to twinkle brightly.

“Is this what you wanted?”

“Oh definitely!” he nodded eagerly “And we finished just in time to go stargazing!” Before you could say anything, Soul grabbed your hand to lead you to the picnic blanket under the tree, this time, a bit more calmer.

“Why’d you wanna stargaze anyway? I thought you lived amongst the stars based on what you’ve told me.” You sat down one last time on the blanket right next to him, Soul immediately laying his head right on your lap, your hand came up to rest on his multicolored hair.

“I wanted to see the stars with you.” The phrase touched you more than you thought it would, the meaning behind his words bringing a certain heavy feeling on your chest almost bringing you to tears.

“I promise I’ll keep in touch with you once my research period on Earth is over. You better keep in touch too!” You couldn’t see it, however you could almost sense that carefree grin he always carries forming on his face.

“Okay, I promise I’ll keep in touch too.”

I wouldn’t want to forget you…

👾 - bleep blorp zeep zorp

#p1harmony #haku shota #p1harmony x reader #p1harmony imagines #soul x reader #p1harmony soul #p1harmony fluff #p1h soul #p1harmony fanfic #kpop writers #kpop fanfic #fic writer

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namfinessed · 9 months ago

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come closer, come closer - k.nj.

genre: fluff, angst (8.7k) (slowburn! sliceoflife!)

summary: nothing in your life is permanent, you would never let anything be permanent, but namjoon nestles his way in and refuses to leave, will you let him stay or would he remain something temporary? or a fic in which a friends-with-benefits situation with namjoon gets twisted out of control. (colors!universe)

note: all of the stories in the series can be read individually <3

masterpost series masterlist

fate used to amuse you, the concept of people, the many people, their many stories, their many love stories, some that made sense to you, some that seemed like absolute madness, but all of them stories you sat and listened to, you sat and read about because stories to you, were a window to what life could be.

and your life changed when namjoon entered it. it seemed like too much of the world aligned so that you would fall for him, it seemed like madness, and it made perfect sense.

everything that happened after meeting him, was truly out of your hands.

it was an off day at work. you hummed as you breezed past the shelves of books surrounding you, nothing brought you more peace than this.

today, your mission was to find a particular book.

at the end of the matinee by keiichiro hirano.

the book was about two people, close to their forties in age, who fall in love, but with the caution, wariness, and desperation that comes with that age. one of them was a world-renowned ‘genius’ guitarist whereas the other was a trauma journalist, their universes couldn’t be more different but seemed to align just for them. when you had heard about it, you knew immediately you had to read it, it was this concept of love that you had never explored before.

your eyes darted to every title as quickly as they could, but you could feel yourself getting impatient as you passed by more shelves, none of them had the book you wanted.

the front desk lady lied when she reassured you that it was in row 3, you were in row 15 now and it was nowhere to be found.

a deep irritation settled under your skin as you cursed the skies and stars for doing this to you, you continued your grumbling as you sat down with a huff at a table. of course, two good things, a day off and the book you so desperately wanted, wouldn’t happen all at once to you. rarely, one good thing happened to you in a day so, this was nothing new.

but still, you were so invested in the world of that book, that you wanted to dive into that world and never float back up because a love so tender, at an age where everything feels the same and your skin sheds its youth, fascinated you.

and today, you won’t get to dive in, you won’t get to be lost in a world that didn’t belong to you.

“excuse me, that’s my seat.” a hush of a voice filled your ears. you immediately removed yourself from the seat and moved a seat up, scrolling on your phone aimlessly.

maybe you will find another book.

maybe there is another world that you could live in, for now.

then, it hits you.

the scent of something soft, a cloud, a pillow. the scent wraps around you, taking you with its softness. you know that scent.

you peek up to see a man next to you. he was wearing a baby blue sweatshirt, matching sweatpants, a baseball cap, and a mask.

the softness that distracted you.

and in his hands, he held the book that you were wishing the gods above and below for.

you know those hands.

he was the one who took your precious book before you did?

you didn’t own it by any means but that didn’t mean you weren’t highly frustrated that it ended up in his hands, of everyone else.

“you.” you said, as calmly as you could.

namjoon bites back a grin at the frustration in your voice. “yes?”

“you know i’ve been looking for this namjoon, this isn’t fair.” you bark out, leaning forward to grab the book from him but he just holds it above himself, knowing you won’t be able to reach it. you sink back into your seat with a frown on your face and namjoon sighs.

he’s never had a problem telling someone no, in fact, he’s enjoyed turning down some overly excited people but when it came to you, denying you of something just wasn’t possible for him, even if it was as a joke.

the book plopped in front of you and your frown immediately melted, and you grabbed it into your arms, namjoon rolled his eyes with a fond smile growing on his face.

“give it to me when you come over someday.”

your relationship with namjoon was hard to describe, you were sort-of friends, sort-of friends who had read books together, sort-of friends who hung out without saying a word, and sort-of friends who occasionally had sex.

it all started when a mutual friend introduced you to him at a horrid party that you hated being at, namjoon hated it too and he made that clear, so you decided to spend your time doing something else.

and soon, it became a regular occurrence and it was working well, you two understood what the other wanted and had no qualms about giving it to them.

namjoon pulled out his book as well and you peeked at it curiously.

lovers in the night by mieko kawakami.

strange.

you added that book to your to-read list yesterday.

“you can just ask to see it if you want, you know?” he tuts at you teasingly, watching your eyes dart towards his book, you scoff at him and sink into your seat.

then, there was silence, only the sound of pages turning and both of your breaths coming out in the space. you liked that, you never had to talk to namjoon to be present with him and so far, this arrangement worked perfectly for you.

but you caught yourself peeking in his direction again, this time, it wasn’t his book, it was him, the way he sat, the way he turned the pages sharply, the way his breath came out slow and you had no excuse for your curiosity.

“tonight, your place?” his question came casually and you nodded as soon as the words left him.

you couldn’t help but think that you had agreed too quickly.

“i don’t understand the point of this movie” you say to namjoon, lying across his chest and your body shakes with his as a low laugh tumbles out of him. he has come to be extremely fond of your quick irritation to things.

“you read so much romance, i thought you would’ve gotten it by now” he sips his wine and you feel the urge to tip it over his white sweatshirt, just for his sarcastic tone. namjoon sees the glare on your face and feels the strangest satisfaction wash over him.

“don’t make me pour the bottle on you.” you eye the bottle that was near your feet and he promptly reaches out to put it near him with a tut which makes you giggle.

chungking express wasn’t your usual movie.

there was no rosy romance filled with confessions and promises.

there were just stolen glances, just hoping that someone else wouldn’t take them, just the characters in a world that changed too quickly, just memories that never faded.

it both fascinated and confused you.

why did love have to be so confusing?

if two people liked each other, was it so hard to just say the words and be together?

why did anything else matter?

he notices your confusion, the deep frown on your face is a dead giveaway, and namjoon, shamefully admits to himself, that he finds it cute.

“i can hear your mind all the way here” namjoon taps your temple and you shift to sit with a groan. “i just don’t understand what’s so hard.”

he already wanted to pull you back on his chest but he clears his throat instead.

“please fill me in.”

“if she likes him, why didn’t she just tell him?” you point to the character who was now staring adoringly at her lover, this was just one out of the many times that they’d met and she was yet to make a move.

namjoon stares at the character, all of the words she wants to say die inside of her but her eyes stay alive with the love she holds for her object of admiration.

“i guess it’s not so easy.”

“what is not easy about just saying the words?” you rolled your eyes.

namjoon’s answer is quick, maybe too quick, “i don’t know, giving someone a piece of your most vulnerable form is scary, there is always fear in affection.”

he leaned back uncomfortably after saying it, not knowing if he should’ve said anything at all.

but to you, something about the way namjoon spoke, always put you in a daze. you never heard someone talk the way he did and you weren’t supposed to like the way he talked. “you sound like the wise tortoise from kung fu panda.” you snicker at him instead of blurting out that his words warmed your heart.

in a world where affection and love were dying, namjoon gave a more comforting reason as to why it was dying, maybe it wasn’t the factual reason, but it helped you feel better anyway.

he scrunches his eyebrows and scoffs at you, “he’s my favorite character so, fuck you.” you laugh at his annoyed face and throw your legs over his feet, he adjusts himself and you sink into the side of his arm. namjoon could feel his body wanting you closer but he resisted, he held his arm above you and over the sofa and shoved his desires in deep.

the movie was long, you didn’t particularly like it, and you never understood why people had such a hard time figuring out their feelings but namjoon didn’t have to know. and as soon as the movie ended, he got up to leave.

“you can pick the movie next time,” he says as he puts on his shoes, looking up at you with a knowing grin. “i liked it!” you tried to save your face, following him to the main door.

well, he liked that you were at least pretending to not completely hate it, for his sake.

namjoon turns to you with a quirked eyebrow, finding it all so amusing, and before he can stop himself, he steps closer and places a single kiss on your forehead and just as quickly, steps away.

that wasn’t supposed to happen.

he doesn’t know what came over him.

“i saw you yawn five times in ten minutes, we’ll watch kung fu panda next time.” he snickered with an uneasy feeling settled in his stomach and rushed out the door, to make sure he didn’t do anything again.

and you stand, shell-shocked.

that was not a big deal.

a kiss on the forehead.

not a big deal at all.

it was not a big deal that your hands were clenched by your sides.

it was not a big deal that your cheeks stayed burning hot.

it was not a big deal that your feet refused to move away from where he left.

this shouldn’t be happening.

you guys never just watched a movie, it always led to something more but it wasn’t even in your minds today and that wasn’t okay.

you needed to remind him that your hangouts were for sex only and it can’t be anything else. you needed to remind namjoon that you were getting off track, which was unacceptable.

that night, namjoon dreamt of you in his arms, just you in his arms, that was unacceptable.

but that night, your hands reached to caress the spot where you still felt his lips. and that was also unacceptable.

you didn’t text him after that, it wasn’t intentional or anything, you just felt that things shifted that night and you didn’t like it, a little distance would set things right back to the way they were.

casual and easy.

because that’s why you two worked, it was always casual and easy with namjoon.

and you hated to admit this to yourself, but you missed him.

which wasn’t so casual and easy.

you checked every post he made on instagram, every story that he uploaded, every song he recommended, and you still answered when he texted you but you let the message hover in your notification board for a few hours and gave every excuse possible to not meet him.

and this was supposed to be easy, you never felt the need to hang out or be with namjoon before, but that feeling was growing as the days passed, without a feel of his skin, without his gaze on you, without his slow laughter flowing through your room.

you wondered how it was for namjoon, maybe he was okay, maybe he didn’t care at all, maybe he was with someone else already and that was all fine, it was how things should be.

“people do fall in love. people do belong to each other because that's the only chance that anyone's got for true happiness.”

paul from breakfast at tiffany’s spoke on the screen, he looked angry but his words plead with his lover to agree with him, to let him sweep her off her feet, he needs her to understand that they are meant to be, even if she tried to deny it, even if she believes in a world where love didn’t exist.

you watched with teary eyes as they both ended up kissing in the rain with all their love pouring into each other.

it made you feel bitter.

it made you feel…empty.

you ignore it.

with an uneasy feeling crawling down your chest, you pull out your phone and your finger immediately reaches for the instagram icon. you waste no time clicking the circle around namjoon’s profile.

god bless him for being so active.

he was at a bar, not too far away from here and he was smiling, surrounded by a large group of friends.

the uneasiness in your chest let up a bit as your lips tugged into a smile too, namjoon’s always had a nice smile.

you really wanted to see him.

as much as it killed you to come to terms with that, every inch of you was trying to run away and find him, melt in him, let him talk through the night about things you never quite understood but enjoyed listening to.

or maybe your forehead just wanted another kiss, maybe your body just wanted company for tonight, maybe you just needed him for the exact benefits your situation rewarded you with.

maybe meeting him wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all, you two had an arrangement for a reason, to give your bodies to each other.

but he was with his friends, it would be quite rude and obnoxious of you to just ask him to get out of it and meet you, just because you feel more needy than usual.

there were other ways though.

you didn’t have to go for him at all.

it was dinnertime, you were too lazy to cook, it could just be that you were hungry and decided to pick up some food. isn’t it so convenient that the place so close to you with food also has namjoon in it? but it wasn’t about him at all, the last thing on your mind.

a solid plan, if you could say so yourself.

a gush of wind pushed past you as you stood before the door to the restaurant that held namjoon on the other side. the stars were hard to see as you looked up and took a few deep breaths, it’s been so long since you’ve seen him, so long since you’ve heard his voice, so long since you’ve touched him.

(it’s been two weeks, actually.)

did you want to do this?

is this how you wanted to see him again, with some elaborate ruse?

the answer was yes.

yes, you wanted to do this and yes, this was how you wanted to see him again because you quite literally couldn’t figure out another way to see him.

texting and asking to meet was so old-fashioned.

the loud ring of the bell above your head, made you flinch as you pushed in and a string of greetings from the waiters came toward you, you politely greeted them back but your fingers twitched as you started looking for the person you had come all dolled up for.

you mean, the dish you couldn’t wait to take home and scarf down.

you quickly stepped to the counter where the menu lay and started flipping through it, not caring or seeing anything.

then you heard it.

his laughter.

which through all the noise, somehow made it to your ears.

maybe you had been paying extra attention to hear him somewhere but for now, you will just say that his laughter was too loud because why would you want to hear him when you were here for something else?

nevertheless, a look wouldn’t hurt anyone. you could just see him, satisfy this urge in you, and go back home with warm food.

if you remember the story right (you did, you rewatched it fifty times), namjoon was sitting towards the left side with a group of around six people so, you slyly scanned the left side with eagle eyes.

one quick look.

and nothing else.

and.

nothing.

else.

you told yourself that, ordered yourself that you would not be talking to namjoon.

and there he was.

your breath paused.

he didn’t look anything different from the ordinary.

he was wearing his beige trousers and t-shirt, he was wearing his worn-out beanie, he was laughing with the people around him and it was so simple, so ordinary, a scene that you would see anywhere in any restaurant.

but you wanted to run to him and hold him close, let him warm you, let him run his fingers through your hair, let him never let you go.

and you knew how dangerous it was to feel this way and how this would end for you.

that’s when you saw it.

the fear in affection, that namjoon had so gently explained to you the other day.

your “quick look” lasted more than a few minutes but you were having trouble peeling your eyes away from him.

that was until, you saw his body sit straighter and start looking around, as if he could sense someone’s gaze on him (that was on you, you were probably burning holes into him with your eyes) and you turned your body completely to the other side.

you were just overthinking it, there’s no way namjoon would sense someone casually glancing at him.

“i’ll take this to go, please” you whispered to the person at the counter while hurriedly pointing to some random dish on the menu. they looked at you with an uneasy smile and nodded slowly, you must look crazy to them.

but that didn’t matter, as long as you got your food and you got the hell out of here before namjoon noticed you, you were good with whatever they thought of you.

you scrolled through your phone, still facing fully away from him, and waited for your order to come, your foot tapping restlessly against the floor.

you kept waiting.

and waiting.

why were they taking so long?

the pace at which your foot tapped against the floor increased as you started to grow anxious.

you couldn’t stay forever, namjoon might finish his dinner, he might walk out, passing right by you and you would have to talk then and that was just-

“what are you doing, standing here?”

the tapping of your foot stopped.

exactly what you were dreading.

or exactly what you were hoping for.

you are not sure which one it is anymore.

“oh hey.” you turn around with a lame wave of your hand at the man that you don’t know what you feel for. he was looking at you with crinkled eyes and a teasing smile that picked his cheeks up and made them round.

get a grip.

“you know, the chairs at a restaurant are for sitting.” you follow his gaze to the chairs lined up near the counter.

……

you had nothing to say to that.

“i came to pick up dinner, what are you doing here?” you asked, as if you didn’t know already and he pointed towards the table that you were staring at earlier. “just with a couple of friends, do you want to join us?”

it was your rule, one that you had established wordlessly, stating clearly that you were not meant to hang out with each other’s friends but you always had wondered what namjoon was like around his friends.

was he just as snarky?

was he just as wise?

did he have an answer to everything for them as well?

you let him take your hand and walk you to the loud table, the food that you hadn’t noticed, grew cold on the counter.

“namjoon used to be so uptight then, he didn’t even help us on the test, he told us, ‘ey, i won’t be there in the future to help you out, so figure your shit out’, and he said this for one math problem, for one stupid test!” his friend, yoongi, barked out with a deepened voice to imitate namjoon and you loved every minute of it, as your head fell back in laughter.

namjoon smiled sheepishly, though his eyes threw daggers at yoongi and hid his face behind his huge hands, turning away from you.

you found that especially adorable.

“what a narc” you shoved his shoulder and, everyone erupted into loud laughter around the table. namjoon squinted his eyes and tried to give you an intimidating glare, which soon melted into a smile when you raised your eyebrows at him.

it felt so good.

he had his arm around your shoulder, you were almost buried into his side, the soft scent of his perfume enveloped around you and his friends seemed to love you. and the best of all, his eyes gazed over you constantly, to check on you or look at you, you had no idea but you enjoyed the attention nonetheless.

only if what you had was real, only if you knew namjoon as much as they seemed to, only if you could grab his neck and kiss him.

you shook your head at those thoughts, whatever this comfort zone was, it was only for tonight, you would never hang out with his friends again or be around him in this way again. you were only allowing this for tonight.

but.

you liked this so much.

“you good?” namjoon pulled you in closer to whisper to you, his eyes assessing the frown growing on your face.

no, i suddenly want to know everything about you, after ages of being fine with knowing nothing.

“yeah, all good” you smiled at him, tipping back your glass to hide the building tension in your throat. everyone around the table started standing up and namjoon pulled you up as well, but his hand stayed around you, holding you gently yet in a way that wouldn’t make it too easy for you to let go.

“it was so nice meeting you.” another friend of his, seokjin, wrapped you in a hug as namjoon’s arm stayed around your back, you smiled and hugged everyone else, as much as you could with his arm on you and they started waving their goodbyes, leaving you and namjoon.

you didn’t want to say ‘well, good to see you, let’s go back to fucking next week’, you didn’t want to wave goodbye and leave the warmth that radiated off namjoon, you didn’t want to go home, and think too much about his hand on your waist.

and namjoon surprised you.

“your place?” he asked, leading you out into the cold night as well and you felt the weight of all your doubts levitate off you, you tried to not agree too quickly but you couldn’t help but nod eagerly which made him smile in response, pulling you in tighter.

you two walked leisurely, with all the time in the world in your hands, and the night got darker, colder, and namjoon’s grip on you got tighter, warmer.

you didn’t speak a word, only stole glances at his side profile every once in a while, to make sure that somehow you hadn’t conjured this from your dreams, that this was reality and namjoon was here.

“what’s on your mind?” he catches your eyes, which were admiring his jaw and you look away, wanting to disappear into the night. he tugs on your hand, to urge you to answer him and you do, “your friends are hilarious, i had a very good time so thank you for inviting me.” the ‘thank you’ came out more awkwardly than you had thought.

but thankfully, namjoon found you endearing so he laughs at your scrunched-up face.

“i mean you were right there, i wasn’t going to let you go and eat alone in your apartment. but what a coincidence, right? us turning up at the same place. besides, i was going to ask you to meet them soon anyway.” he had a lovely smile on his face, he seemed to find the idea very charming, that you had somehow stumbled on each other and a pang of guilt shot through you for orchestrating the whole thing.

and the guilt worsened as the television played mindlessly in the background, as your body tangled around his, as his breath came too close, too loud, and his hands gripped onto your hair. you felt him everywhere and nowhere around you, it unnerved you.

you pulled apart hastily, the simple, harmless lie you told was enough to put some invisible wall between you and him. it felt wrong that he thought it was some sweet moment but it wasn’t.

namjoon immediately retracted, pulling his hands to himself but remaining close as he watched your reaction carefully, “do you want me to leave? because it’s okay if you’re not in the mood or don’t want me around right now, i get it.” the sound of his even breaths, his soothing tone, forced you to look at him.

“i lied,” you expected it to be harder to tell him but it wasn’t, namjoon sat up with an eyebrow quirked up as you explained to him that your turning up at the pub was no coincidence, that you had come there after seeing his instagram story.

“that’s it?” you nodded, skin burning with embarrassment, only looking up when you heard his low, amused laughter. namjoon shook his head at you, “but why? you can always call me, you know, i loved that you met them and had a good time.” he reached over to shut off the television and pull your legs from under you and onto his lap, his fingers tapped your thighs as you fell back on the sofa, covering your face with your hands.

“i felt like i couldn’t,” maybe it was because your voice sounded so small, maybe because he finally saw how truly upset you were about this but namjoon pulled you back and rested your head on his shoulder, “you always can, it doesn’t matter how or what or where we are, just call me and i’ll be here to finish all of your wine,” though you laughed at his words and buried yourself further into his collarbone, you knew you weren’t telling him the simple truth.

that night, once again, you didn’t do anything, you absentmindedly watched some movie, you crawled into bed next to him, he kissed your forehead, and fell asleep.

“namjoon?” you whispered against his snores, he stirred ever so slightly, hands reaching up to pat where you were sleeping, hands relaxing when they touched you.

“yeah?” he groaned into the pillow, “i came because,” you started, words swallowing down your throat, words flying out of your mouth.

“yeah?” this time, he looked up with squinted, sleepy eyes, and your heart drowned in adoration at the sight.

because i missed you.

it was simple words but how awful would it be, if you uttered them, and your heart that was drowning with adoration now, would have nothing to drown for?

“i just wanted to see you,” because you missed him so desperately, and a text or call wouldn’t have fed the hunger your longing left you with.

“i’m glad, because i missed you,” he kissed your shoulder and turned away to continue his slumber.

and left you with the same simple words you had been too scared to utter.

somehow, namjoon always voiced the simple words, even if they were naked, he voiced them as if it was nothing to put your bleeding heart out on your sleeve because missing someone was intimate, it was dangerous.

and that’s when your heart drowns again, you finally realize that namjoon has gotten closer to you.

a little too close.

what does it take for a person to be close?

is it the physical distance that lessens with every breath?

is it the emotional distance that connects you with an invisible string from miles away?

being close to someone is a fickle thing.

a person who knows everything about you, may not feel close.

but a person who tries to know you, may feel close.

namjoon feels close.

nights pass where the line between what you and namjoon were and what you were supposed to be, blurred to oblivion. you stopped questioning what it was, you stopped counting the beats your heart skipped every time he showed up at your door.

this night, both physically and emotionally, namjoon is close.

“why do you always read romantic books?” he hums, casually, as things have always been between you two as his hand lazily runs across your hair. he isn’t prying, it’s just a mild curiosity.

but it’s a question no one’s ever asked you.

you read romance to feel the love you yearn for.

that is your answer, there is a yearning in you that isn’t quenched by anything else except books that put your longing in words. it’s an answer you can’t give to namjoon.

“they’re just fun” you shrug, looking up and hoping he would buy your lie. he does not, he doesn’t try to hide that he doesn’t believe you but with a small smile and shake of his head, he lets you live with the lie.

“the real thing’s more fun.”

you remained silent.

you hugged him closer.

you didn’t sleep that night.

“have you got everything?” namjoon said, as he loaded your bags into the back of his car, “you helped me pack yesterday, namjoon, and you drilled my head for hours after to make sure of it,” you rolled your eyes at him, and he chuckled, patting your head, “just checking.”

you ignored the rush of warmth that filled your fingertips and your toes, you and namjoon were heading out of the city, into a tiny, charming town with his friends where you would spend about four days in a cabin there.

and yes, you know what it sounds like but when you received a call from namjoon, his excited, hopeful voice, you could imagine his face reflecting all of that, and you couldn’t say no.

the drive up is short, you sleep through it and namjoon plays soothing songs to avoid waking you up. the cabin is beautiful but you already know that from pictures and upon arrival, you are greeted with loud shouts and long hugs from his friends, you almost melt from all the affection they shower you with.

“this is for you,” yoongi hums as he drops a keycard into the palm of your hands before disappearing into his room and you trudge up the stairs to reach yours.

of course, you aren’t surprised when you see namjoon unpacking his clothes into drawers once you open the door, you know you had to share a room with him, considering that you are a guest on this trip.

it did make you reluctant at first but now, you were just waiting for your feelings to set you ablaze to make themselves known.

“hey, you” namjoon sings as he walks past you, but not without dropping a kiss on your temple that has your shoulders stiffening and your face tingling. “we’re going out in a bit to start a barbeque, see you there?”

you nod, your stomach reeling from the subtle touch of his hands that brush your arms before walking out the door.

you fall on the bed with your head in your hands, on days like these, you wish you could walk up to namjoon and ask him, what did you mean to him? did he think of you in the darkness of the night? did he want you around always?

because you did.

but you couldn’t ask.

drinks were passed, fairy lights descended on you, and soft singing filled the air.

“and our wise namjoon was just telling us what love is,” yoongi dramatically gestured to his red-faced, swaying friends and your ears picked up, hoseok groaned, “what did he say though?”

“that love is wanting to know someone more every day,” hoots and cheers and teases filled the air as namjoon buried his face into the side of your arm and complained endlessly under his breath.

you tried to laugh but you wanted to know everything about namjoon, what did that say about you?

and he asked you about yourself all the time, what did that say about him?

the question left you uneasy and annoyed.

“there’s a lake just around here,” jungkook looked at everyone around him with a suspicious glint shining in his eyes, then he got up, “race you there!” he yelled and took off, heavy feet thudding on the soft ground and everyone squealed in delight as they followed him.

namjoon pulled your hand with his as the cold air rushed over your face, a smile was frozen on your face and you ran until your lungs burned. it was out of a movie, the way your hair flowed, the way your laughs blended into the night, the way namjoon couldn’t stop looking at you.

then, as you expected, jungkook got pushed into the lake, he surfaced to yell at jimin only to break into giggles, and soon, everyone was trying to push everyone.

but namjoon only wanted to push you.

you ran around, escaping his touch in mere seconds, looking back breathlessly to see if he was near, and when he did catch you, he didn’t just throw you in, he threw both of you together.

you fell into the water, a laughing, bumbling mess but as cold as the night was, namjoon was warm so you snuggled into his neck and he held you with strong arms that wouldn’t let you drown.

close.

namjoon was so close.

“oh god, the couple’s at it again,” jin groaned and splashed water on the two of you and namjoon laughed out loud, pushing more water onto jin’s face.

but jin was wrong.

“we’re not a couple,” you nervously laughed, hands instinctively loosening around namjoon’s neck and he froze under you, his hands loosening around you as well as he cleared his throat.

jin swam away before he had to deal with the tension between you two.

namjoon’s arms left your body and you felt something break inside you as he pulled himself out of the water and wordlessly offered you, his hand. you grabbed it unsurely, not looking at him either.

you both didn’t speak at all until you reached your room.

“why did you say that?”

“say what?” you sat on the bed, picking on the lint that gathered on the sheets, unwilling to look at him.

“don’t act like you don’t know what i’m talking about, you’re smarter than that and i know it,” namjoon pinned you with serious eyes, making your heart burn in your chest, “but we’re not a couple.” you whisper, hands tightening on the sheets.

namjoon sighed, a heavy sigh, a sigh that conveyed irritation, disappointment, and restrained anger.

“i don’t understand why you’re upset, we are not a couple,” your irritation reared its head and namjoon shook his head, sitting beside you.

“are we not?” his question is breathless, lifeless, it’s waiting for you to revive it, pour life into it, and your eyes water without any command from you.

you think of the nights you spent together, the laughs you laughed together, the meals you’ve eaten together, the words that grow into a tower between you two and you think, yes, perhaps you are a couple without ever knowing it.

but it wasn’t supposed to be this.

“we had an arrangement,” you fight on, “which went to shit the second you met my friends,” he counters and you bite your lip, annoyed.

“i didn’t plan for that to happen.”

“but it happened.”

“do you really not know?” he asks again, and you know what he’s going to say, you turn away, legs coming to close around your chest.

his eyes widened and with a smile filled that held gentle surprise, he spoke as if his own words shocked him, as if he couldn’t believe he brought them to life.

“i like you. no actually, i love you.”

“don’t.”

namjoon moves away, physically his body flinches from you.

you silently crawl up on the bed and lay your head on the pillow, you gather your courage which crumbles when he comes up too and his hands find yours, he squeezes in question, what do you mean?

why did it have to be him, of all people?

“don't like me cause i don't know how to like you back, not in the way you want and not in the way that will ever be enough for you,” you say quickly, wanting this torture inside you to give up and go home, so you can finally be at peace with yourself.

it took all of two minutes for namjoon to remove himself from you.

and he left you in the bed, you clutched the pillowcase as you heard his footsteps recede from the room and you flinched when the door shut.

you cried, you put your arms around yourself and cradled your face to sleep, maybe it would be nice to feel someone else hold you but you couldn't let that be namjoon, it had to be someone that you could hurt and be okay with it.

namjoon was ignoring you, he didn’t come back to the room that night and now, he was sitting a few feet away from you and you couldn’t ignore the way everyone glanced between you two.

“the fireworks will start at 8, everyone be back by then,” jin announced, receding from the gathering and going back into the home.

“come, okay? we’ve got drinks and food,” jungkook squeezed your shoulder as he walked past, of course, he noticed you and namjoon not talking and he was sweet for making sure you were coming. you gave him a weak smile and nod.

when you reach the place where fireworks are supposed to light up the sky, there’s only namjoon on the bench that was too long for just one person.

there was so much space.

there was so much place.

but you didn’t fit in there, not next to him.

your hands wrung the cardigan dangling on your arms as a sharp exhale tried to stabilize you.

you turn around to leave but stop in your tracks when his eyes fall on the back of your head. even without looking back, you know he’s seen you and if you left, you would feel even more pathetic.

“don’t go,” he whispers, it’s hard to hear him over the crickets chirping but his voice finds its way to you and you want to cry again, “even if we’re not talking, don’t go.”

so, you stay.

you look at the lake in front of namjoon and he looks at the empty bench next to him, he knows who should be there and you know who shouldn’t be there.

even far away, his presence suffocates you, not in a dangerous way, but in a way that you would forever want to be suffocated.

everyone else arrives loudly, carrying cans of beer and packets of food and some of them sit down, jungkook and jimin are kind enough to stand next to you and keep you company but even they know where you should’ve been instead.

the rest of the night, you remember in gaps.

you remember looking at his hand when everyone looked at the fireworks, you remember the way his face lit up with a thousand colors, you remember the way his voice cheered at the sight in the sky, you remember the way his skin traveled and embraced his body.

how was something as ordinary as skin, so extraordinary when it came to him?

you wanted to become one, to melt into him and never come back to your true self. your hand itched to touch, to reach out but instead, it tightens on your cardigan and you force yourself to look away.

when you got back home from the cabin, namjoon had dropped you at your room, carried your bags in, and left immediately after as if being in your presence was unbearable for him, which made you cry as soon as the door shut behind him.

now, you were in bed, it was tuesday and you had no one in your life again.

you watched your phone like a hawk, jumping at every ting! it made but it was never namjoon and you always found yourself wishing it was.

your arm dangled off the sofa as you watched kung fu panda play on the tv.

"your story might not have a happy beginning, but that does not make you who you are." soothsayer spoke on the screen and you watched with your lips between your teeth, ignoring the way your heart skipped over when the scene cut to the wise turtle, oogway.

you didn’t want to think of namjoon, you didn’t want to think of his laugh when you called him a wise turtle nor did you want to think of how you could be watching this with him right now.

but he was out of your life now.

and you didn’t know how to live it anymore.

you suddenly were too aware of how lonely you were and too aware of how no one could soothe the loneliness nor cure it.

you saw the book he had given you that was on your coffee table still, you saw his wine glass that was tucked away in a corner of your kitchen, you saw his sweater that you never bothered giving back and you felt yourself crumble from within.

when someone leaves your life, the life you had before them seems alien, not yours.

and your life, right now, was just not yours.

“but he wasn’t even that good-looking, so it wasn’t too sad,” your friends laughed around the table as one of them spoke, you raised your glass to your lips and sipped to kill the words inside you.

but my man was beautiful, my man was everything, so it is sad for me.

when your friends called you to meet up, it seemed like a beacon of light shoved into your life and you immediately accepted, you had to go back to your life before namjoon.

“i don’t think i’ve ever liked anyone enough to be sad after we break up,” one of them sighed and the rest followed.

but i’m so sad.

“but how do we know if we like someone that much?” you asked silently, not really meaning to and all their heads snapped to you.

“i’ve only loved that much once, and it was…strange, none of me felt like me anymore, i guess you without them stops making sense,” your friend said, her eyes shimmered with memories of her past love. the ball in your throat grew tighter and it wound itself around your entire being.

you without namjoon, didn’t make sense.

and you were close to letting him out of your life forever.

you pushed against the table, hands shaking but you were so determined, it was suddenly too clear that you needed him.

“guys, i have to go.” they all smiled and giggled as they watched you run out of the restaurant.

you ran into the pouring rain, water splashed on your sneakers and your jeans but you kept pushing forward.

if you lose namjoon now, you will never forgive yourself, if you lose him after finally realizing that you need him in your life, you will never recover from the pain.

your hands hurriedly stuffed into your bag, pulling out your phone and checking his instragram, you were blessed with a view of his home and book in his stories so you wasted no time in dialing his number, pressing it to your ear and praying to every raindrop falling on you that he would pick up.

he picked up.

you stopped in your tracks.

there was only his breathing on the other side, some static noises too, and still just the simple act of him picking up the call had you sighing out in relief.

“namjoon, please come out,” you whispered, eyes lining with tears that would join the rain on your face and he sighed, you held your breath until he spoke.

then, after a pregnant silence, he sighed again, “okay.”

you cut the call and started running again, renewed energy slammed on the ground as you ran for your life, for your love.

as you finally reached his apartment, your heart raced with anticipation. the running left you breathless, the rain was merciless but the thought of seeing him filled you with an energy that surpassed any physical exhaustion.

and you bent over, catching your breath, you couldn't help but feel a flutter of nerves in your stomach. your mind raced with thoughts of what to say, how to express the feelings swirling within you. with each cough, you felt the intensity of your emotions grow, this moment, this night, this rain could change everything for you.

but you knew that whatever you said, whatever you decided to reveal, it would come from ages of knowing but denying your heart.

when someone you love leaves your life, the life you had before them stops making sense, that’s when the hollowness comes in, that’s when you realize you need them.

and you were done, you were done hiding and you were pretending that you didn’t want him under your very skin.

then, the rain stops.

to correct it, the rain stops falling on your head.

you see his shoes in front of you and muffle the cry that erupts in your throat.

you look up impatiently, so quickly that namjoon jerks back and you curse yourself with every word possible, how did you ever deny yourself of him?

“why are you here?” namjoon tries to stay stoic, and cool, even as his hands scream at him to pull you to him, to let his skin become yours and instead, his hands tighten on the umbrella he’s holding over you.

“i was wrong that day,” you gasped out, and his heart lurched even as he tried not to hope for too much, “which day?”

“when i tried to act like we weren’t anything, i was wrong, namjoon, so terribly wrong,” you shook your head at yourself, pushing your hair away from your face, your chin trembled as you tried to talk to the one person who made your heart run like a racehorse.

“and i was so scared, but i should have never lied to you or myself just because i was scared,” he listened, patient as ever, but you saw his eyes go red and the way his nose twitched with a sniff.

“but why were you scared? it’s just me,” he laughed, as if he wasn’t the most extraordinary person ever, as if everything he spoke didn’t carry a bit of magic, as if he wasn’t magic himself.

“i was scared because,” you swallowed, can you say it out loud?

something about the rain made everything look so beautiful, so pure, so vulnerable but it made your heart feel so heavy, feel so filled with dread that it might burst, because if he didn’t believe you, if he laughed and walked away, you wouldn’t know how to live with yourself.

his hand snaked up your arm and something tender floated in the air around you, something that made you feel so close to namjoon, something that felt so right. but you weren't speaking a word, nor were you touching him, but you were in front of him and he was in front of you, and just like this, you felt as if someone had laid you bare.

“when i hold me, it's imperfect, i don't touch all of me and that's fine, it's just me, but if i don't hold you perfectly, the way you deserve, i might just die from guilt,” you breathed out, chin trembling again and namjoon held your jaw, and your eyes fell close.

“if i hurt you, i can never come back from it because you’re a good person, you don’t hesitate to say things like, ‘i miss you’ or ‘i saw this and i thought of you’, but those things scare me, i’ve never said them before.”

“but?” he mused, pushing your hair behind your ear and you curled into his palm, leaning your entire face on it.

you laughed, it wasn’t happy, it wasn’t sad, it was just a sound, “but i don’t know to live without you, i need you, i miss you even when you’re away for a second, i think of you in every movie i watch and i see you in some or the other character in every book i read, i see you everywhere in my life and i need you in it.”

“my life isn’t mine without you, i love you.” you pleaded.

and everything was silent for a second, he looked at you, you looked at him, you felt his skin become yours again, you felt the relief flooding in you but you also felt desperate to hear his voice.

“at some point, you’re going to need someone to hold you, the right way i mean” namjoon spoke finally, and you nodded, grabbing onto his shirt, “it needs to be you.”

namjoon’s never been able to deny you of anything at all so he says, “it will be me. now, come here,” he pulled on your arm until you fell on his chest and the rest of the world fell into place for you, you gripped onto him as if someone was going to take him away and namjoon laughed, kissing your forehead, which sent a numbing tingle all over your body.

“i love you too.” it felt right, you didn’t want to run away and take back everything you said, you wanted to hear him say it again and again, you wanted to say it again and again.

being close to someone is a fickle thing.

a person who knows everything about you, may not feel close.

but a person who tries to know you, may feel close.

and namjoon was so close that it didn’t make sense, like many stories you’ve read in your life, but it didn’t have to.

because from now on, he was you, and you were him.

and from now on, you and him, are the magical story that you would tell to everyone else.

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actuallysaiyan · 3 months ago

Note

Hello, my lovely! I hope it's okay that I send something in for your monsters prompt list! Okay, okay so... for the longest time Grimmjow was my all time fave in Bleach BUT... Shinji has piqued my interest recently, so may I request Shinji, Witches, fem!reader, and he is the one that says, "A love potion? Don't you know how dangerous those can be?..." I wish you a lovely rest of October 💜🧡

warnings: use of love potion, smut, breast play/nipple play, making out, mentions of injuries pairings: Shinji Hirano x Fem!Shinigami!Reader

@yeowangies

It was ridiculous to have such a big crush on him. The way he made you feel infuriated you. You didn’t want to be so attached to someone so aloof and thought so highly of himself. He was too cocky, but really you think that’s what drew you in even more.

The way he carries himself around with such a smug confidence makes you want to tear your heart out and stomp on it for being so stupid. How could you fall in love with Shinji? He’s not even the best looking guy out there!

Yet…oh yet you were drawn to that toothy smile. The way he would smirk at you had your stomach in knots. The way he’d make jokes at your expense had you both angry and swooning. He was a fun guy a lot of the time, but his confidence had you thinking you were stupid to fall for someone like that.

You found yourself seeking advice from all kinds of people. They sent you to all different places in the Rukongai to help you with your self-proclaimed affliction. Only those who knew you well knew what was going on, but you still wanted to find the right answer for this little problem.

A witch…yes a witch.

She ended up being your answer to everything. She admitted to you that she already knew who you were in love with, so making a love potion for him would be so simple. And with that, she sent you on your way with the little vial in your hands.

Of course you’d be called away on a mission with the man in question. You kept the little vial tucked in your breast pocket and you’d be using it as soon as you could. The mission went poorly, probably because you were distracted by having Shinji so close.

The worst was when you were ducked behind a wall together. It was so close quarters with him right now. You were slightly injured and for once, he seemed so concerned for you. Then that grin spreads on his face. He notices the little vial peeking out and he grabs it.

“Ha! Is this…oh this is definitely…”

He holds it over your head, making you groan in annoyance. You couldn’t quite reach for it without getting even closer to him. When you do, he wraps his other arm around you and pulls you in for a kiss.

Your eyes close for a moment as you melt into this. What is happening right now? You think to yourself before you lean in closer. Shinji has his tongue sliding into your mouth, tangling with yours in such a lewd manner.

“A love potion?” he asks as he pulls away. A trail of saliva keeps you both connected. “Don’t you know how dangerous those can be?”

You whimper softly, “I thought…I thought it was the right choice.”

He pushes you against the wall, kissing you again. It’s more aggressive this time. It’s deeper than before. His hands caress your sides before he’s opening your shirt a bit more. He leaves bite marks in his wake as he reaches your chest. His hands knead your breasts, making you moan for him. He chuckles before licking your swollen nub, then he pulls it between his lips. Shinji releases your nipple with a pop before heading towards the other.

“I think you’re better off falling in love with me the natural way, dontcha think?” He asks with a smirk.

You hate to say it, but he’s right.

reblogs and comments always appreciated!

©actuallysaiyan 2024– do not repost on other platforms, copy, translate or edit my works!

dividers: @adornedwithlight

#bacon.writes #freaky stories #shinji hirako x reader #shinji hirako #shinji x reader #shinji x you #bleach #bleach x reader #bleach shinji #hirako shinji #shinji hirako smut

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massyworld · 1 month ago

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i know people have already said "that's not MY hirano!!" and after some thought, i agree because well, look. if the doujin had branched off from the canon much earlier, it wouldve been more plausible for hirano to fall out of contact with kagiura, but right after the roommate thing?? no WAY did hirano slowly phase out of wearing his earrings. no way did he just forget about the lovers trial. no WAY did Mr. I Want To Understand His Feelings More give up on it all. no way Mr. Even If We're Not Roommates I'll Just Show Up At His Dorm, or Mr. If I Don't Resolve This I Will Feel Weird About It For The Rest Of My Life.

no way did kagiura fall down low on the priority list. no way did his passion for kagiura fall out of equal alignment with his passion for his dream job. no. way. other thoughts from the doujin:

“Apparently he’s gotten bad at socializing” “Due to past trauma, he has difficulty interacting with people outside of basketball-related matters.” Kagiura pulled away from other people!! Hirano is now too!!!! (due to the mysterious studying, I wonder what he’s learning about hmmm) They’ve both become disconnected from others as an effect of diving into their own passions and falling out of contact with the other!!!!!!!!!! Despair……

i’m saddened there was no niibashi at the reunion. I hope he and Kagiura still talk, they’re besties for life after all. Actually I’ll be so sad if he’s never brought up in this au because he was probably such a big support in kagi’s life after the roommate debacle. Aghhhh

so unwell over kagi in a suit hair slicked back man

hirano ever the uke

the irony of hirano asking “did you make him drink that much” when he’s the reason kagi drank himself to the moon

highkey really funny that sensei started planning out the doujin and was immediately like, let’s get kagi get drunk. He’s earned some major loss of inhibitions

am heartbroken that kagiura is ashamed of his confession to hirano :((( I don’t think he’s ever expressed such negativity about it before right? I mean it’s probably because it didn’t end up being fruitful for him the way he wanted it to be, but it’s such a sad peek into how he mentally feels and thinks about that whole era of his past. Agh. I feel so bad for him.

”If only I had tried harder then. I didn’t want to have any regrets, so I focused on basketball.” am I to understand he focused harder on basketball so that he wouldn’t risk failing at that as well…bc if so…. -weeps-

ok ok hear me out but in chp 20, when kghr are told by hanzawa that they will be roommates, right before it kagi is teary eyed and hirano says his name and moves towards him, but we NEVER FIND OUT what he was going to do bc they get interrupted by hanzawa. This is a reach but if hanzawa went to tell the winners first, he wouldve gone to the losers rooms last, so maybe he wouldn’t have interrupted them at that exact time, and hirano wouldve had the time to get close enough right in front of kagi’s face to wipe his teary eyes and then perhaps even…initiates a hug to reassure him - but that might be too ooc. ANYWAY vaping copium

thinking now about all the stuff that didn’t happen in this timeline from volume 5… please don’t read if you don’t want to feel your chest closing in on itself. “I guess he wasn’t gonna touch me then.” “If Kagi-kun becomes a romantic interest for me, does that mean I’ll want him to flirt and stuff?! Oh hell no. At…at least…..I think…..hell…..no..” “But Kagi-kun worked so hard to allow us to stay roommates…” (OMG he loses that reason to continue to give it his all in the lovers experiment too?!? ok but NOT MY HIRANO---) “I’m allowed to use the 10 seconds for myself, right?” “After all, when you touch me, I feel really happy.” “I want to go on a date with you Hirano-san!” “It’s a secret. But I’ll tell you…once you fall in love with me.” “(Oh…was that 10 seconds already?)” “I wish I could see his face.” “He just surprised me. That’s all.” “You’re amazing.” “Of course you’re good enough.” “What..sort of expression is he wearing right now?” “If me touching you makes you happy, then look happy when I do it!” “I’m hoping you’ll let me keep trying.” “What the hell is this? I’m going crazy…” “So right now…maybe he’s going through the same stages of falling in love as you were…” “The person who’s influenced me the most in the past year has been without a doubt…you.” “Hirano-san…has gotten so good at basketball.” “I want him to say he loves me… but more than that…right now…I want to tell him that I love him.” “I was just wondering…if you were gonna do your 10 seconds of touching me for today…” “That was my 10 seconds, yours are separate…”

ok back to the doujin. No way he’d forget the keychain at first glance. Or say “ah that brings back memories.” SO CASUALLY about something as serious as considering kagi’s deep feelings for him!!! “did you want to be a family or something?” same vibe as freaking “What, are you jealous or something” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i’m glad he’s still hella weak to kagi’s whims though. It took only one tug of his coat to stay put til morning. Ayooo

don’t talk to me about that face-unseen headscratch after he remembered kagi’s confession. don’t.

kagi’s bedhead reminds me of those curly haired chickens he looks so utterly cute

heartbroken that hirano didn’t wake him up like the good ol days. That wouldve been too big of a shock to my heart anyway. Thank you for the reprieve sensei

MY BOY KAGIURA WAS SO IN SHOCK HE REPEATED “Had no choice” TO HIMSELF 4 TIMES.. love to see hirano still slurping up that excuse juice

”Kindness is painful” is such a raw line here

praying for kagiura to see hirano in his full uniform.

#hirano to kagiura #my posts

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sacchiri · 11 months ago

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[Hellsing] Female Fans' Round-Table Discussion

A 6-page interview from the 2012 Hellsing Official Guidebook, featuring five grown-ass women chatting about Hellsing in a casual discussion format and translated into English for the first time ever by yours truly.

Honestly this was way more entertaining to read than I thought it would be. It’s also really funny seeing this super-casual discussion printed in the book right alongside Hirano's—-oh who am i kidding, this is 10x more professional and less deranged than whatever goes on in Hirano’s interviews.

Anyway, without further ado...

Does Hellsing have little to no female fans? Nay! Assembled before you are five women with an undying love for the series. Let’s see their passion for this work show itself as they butt heads!

Is the female fanbase just hiding itself or what?

Moderator: Now then, everyone, let’s start off with introductions.

Ms. T: I am Ms. T. I’ve been walking the path of an otaku since middle school, and it’s already been ● years since then. How do I put this, all of you seem like fairly normal people…

Everyone: Oh no—rest assured we are all otaku as well. (laughter)

Ms T: Oh, really? (laughs) Anyway, I’ve continued to love manga for all this time. Thank you for having me.

Ms J: I’m Ms J. I was already at a decent age when Hellsing began serialization, but to create something so enticing—as expected of Hirano-sensei! (laughs). This is the kind of manga I’d better buy and collect, I thought.

Ms A: Out of today’s gathering, I’m probably the one who became an otaku at the oldest age. (laughs) My friend told me, “Hellsing is a manga that really crazy people read”, so at first I couldn’t get around to starting it. But around the time volume 8 came out, I binge-read it, and it was so interesting that I couldn’t help but get obsessed.

Ms R: I’m probably the youngster in this group. By the time Hellsing started serialization, I was just entering middle school. [T/N: That makes her 27 at the time of this interview.]

Of course we didn’t really have the term "edgy-teen syndrome" back then, but around me the manga was definitely gaining popularity in that edgy teen fashion. One of my best friends was obsessed with Hellsing and I’d borrow it after they finished reading it, and I got addicted too.

Moderator: I’m under the impression that the female readership for Hellsing is overwhelmingly small, but…

Ms J: Nah, I think they’re just hiding. I mean, it’s not like you’d talk about Hellsing to someone in passing. You wouldn’t suddenly say, “Y’know, Alucard is…”

Everyone: True. (laughs)

Ms J: There isn’t much opportunity to bring it up, or perhaps you could say it’s a hard topic to bring up to the general public.

Ms A: Like how you can’t have a pork-and-rice bowl first thing in the morning or something.

Ms J: Yeah, like that. Actually, among my circle of female otaku friends, everyone has read Hellsing.

Ms T: Among manga fans, Kouta Hirano is well-understood.

Ms J: Any fan of manga who doesn’t know Kouta Hirano is a faker!

Ms T: Disregarding whether you’ve properly sat down and read his works or not, I feel like it’s impossible for a manga enthusiast to not have at least heard of Hirano-sensei. But we are talking about manga fans in general, and the range of tastes is so broad. If someone were to say to me “I’m a fan of Kouta Hirano”, only then would I be like, “Oh, so I can talk comfortably with this person”.

Moderator: It’s a good litmus test to use. (laughs)

Ms A: It’s only when you broach the topic of Kouta Hirano that you can finally talk about Hellsing. You can’t go straight from “So I hear you like manga” to “So, about Hellsing…”, lol.

Ms J: If you met someone for the first time and you go “So I heard you like manga? What about Hellsing?” that’s like coming straight for their throat with a knife. (laughs)

Moderator: Even as a gauge to see how much of an otaku your opponent is, it’s a bit too much to try and break the ice with Hellsing.

The wonders of dialogue

Ms J: Speaking of the good points of Hellsing, I think it’s that it doesn’t get overly preachy. You can see this starting from Cross Fire, but you really get the sense that everyone’s equally crazy here.

Ms A: I can see that. No one is on the side of justice. Like the Major, he’s a nasty little guy. The type of guy who would casually twist off an ant’s legs or something like that.

Ms J: That Major, his beta male levels are literally off the charts.

Everyone: (bursts into laughter)

Ms J: Actually, something that caught my interest about the setting is that only virgins can become vampires. In the first place, I don’t think European vampire lore makes that kind of distinction.

Ms T: Father Anderson is probably a virgin, since he has religious reasons for celibacy. Though it might depend on religious sect. I wonder if there’s a meaning behind this concept of chastity?

Ms J: The idea of chastity is valued in the Hellsing universe as well.

Ms A: Right, since if you aren’t a virgin you become a ghoul, and then it’s game over and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Ms R: Speaking of which, Integra’s a virgin, too.

Ms T: Integra being a virgin is an important part of the story.

Ms J: In my personal opinion, the best couple is definitely Alucard and Integra.

Ms R and Ms A: I was going to say the same!

Ms T: Integra and Alucard call each other “Count”, don’t they? You know, in a previous life it’s possible that Integra was a man. Perhaps Alucard is seeing the Count Hellsing of the past through Integra. Thinking about that possibility makes a girl’s heart flutter. Not to mention Integra’s appearance leans towards that of a man— Ah, it’s just so peak! [T/N: I'm not being facetious, 盛り literally means peak]

Ms A: Those who want to read a male/female romance can enjoy doing so, and for people who like BL, there are plenty of elements that can be enjoyed as BL also. I feel like the reason you can enjoy both things is because the relationships that are depicted are not constrained purely to sexual love.

Ms J: For those who like to read into the BL aspect, there are lots of fight scenes that can’t be ignored, can they? Particularly in the endgame. Like Girlycard and Young Walter, that was...really something.

Moderator: That part was just unfair! I mean, after getting captured by Millennium and going M.I.A., all that anticipation was building and building, and for Walter to be reintroduced like that!

Ms J: When I got to that part I was like, “Man, Hirano-sensei really did his best to keep all that stuff pent-up for so long". For both Walter and Girlycard, I mean.

Moderator: Speaking of Girlycard, I get the feeling that the idea for her was in place since the early stages of story development.

Ms J: I wonder about that… on the other hand it seems like it was a very spontaneous decision. (laughs)

Ms A: Even if the story developments feel spontaneous, I feel like the characters' settings are polished to a high degree from the beginning. Even though a new character suddenly appears out of nowhere, you end up following along without feeling a sense of discomfort. In Hirano-sensei's mind, I'm sure that each character is cultivated with an equal amount of attention. After that it's just a matter of deciding what situations the character will appear in.

Ms J: Each character is excellently molded to their place in the story. Even though normally it should be very challenging to create characters that would fit in this sort of world. (laughs) From the moment of their introduction, they are already dyed in Hirano's unique brand, and you can tell that Hirano understands them well.

Ms R: After all, characters from his past works before Hellsing make appearances in the manga, so you get the feeling that these are ideas that have been stewing in his head for a long time.

Moderator: And within Hellsing too, these characters grow and develop. Like Maxwell—he started out as a mere brat, but then he went full tryhard mode and developed that cunning and pretentious side to him.

Everyone: (leans forward) Yeah, that's right!!

Ms J: —And he had that past with Anderson, didn't he? I was like "Hold on a sec, a flashback scene now, are you kidding me"? Even though I knew that a flashback is basically a death flag, I couldn't help but love it. (laughs)

Ms A: At the final moment, Maxwell called Anderson "Sensei", a reversal of their dynamic thus far. Up until then there were hints of foreshadowing, but nothing definite. But with that single word you could feel the adoration Maxwell had felt for Anderson when he was a child... It's amazing how potent that line was. The timing of delivery was excellent, too.

Ms R: Up until that point Maxwell was portrayed as nothing more than a snob, but the truth is there were reasons why he became that way.

Ms T: Hirano-sensei is very skilled at depicting relationships between men.

The beauty of composition

Ms A: In Hellsing, there aren't any characters that go too far beyond the range of normal anatomy.

Even with regards to enemies and such, there aren't any massively gargantuan or bulky characters. Everyone is more or less normal. And yet, there is so much impact in the poses that it leaves you with a strong impression. Those standout panels just radiate style—so much so that anyone with an eye for art will be impressed by them, I think.

Ms T: The paneling is relatively simple, but the composition sense of each panel is amazing.

Ms R: I love the stuff like Rip Van's silhouette. The balance between her and the musket is super cool. Even though something that size in real life would be impractical to shoot, it looks so cool that it's like, "Who cares!"

Ms A: Fight scenes that should have a lot of movement are instead surprisingly depicted with still frame shots, and they have a beauty to them reminiscent of paintings. It makes me want to stare at the same handful of panels for a long time. Calling it aesthetic beauty might be a bit of an exaggeration, but...

Ms T: Not an exaggeration at all, I think there is a lot of aesthetic beauty. For me, when I look at Hirano-sensei's artwork, I'm reminded of ukiyo-e paintings. And in the movement, I sense a bit of kabuki theater.

Moderator: Each panel is created with beauty in every nook and cranny, so as to work as a standalone illustration.

Ms R: The way shadow and blood is depicted is so good, isn't it? It really makes full use of the monochrome medium.

Ms A: When I was reading the scene in volume 8 when Cromwell Level 0 is released and soldiers are unleashed in hordes, it reminded me of a medieval copperplate engraving. The plot developments in that moment were so interesting, and the density of the illustrations so rich, that simply staring at them was enjoyable.

Ms T: It really draws you in, doesn't it? In other manga that have very detailed art styles, the realism makes it feel similar to a liveaction movie. But Hirano's works are 100% "manga", I would say. In that sense, none of it is realistic at all. But that's why it's possible to achieve poses and compositions that are impossible with photography, and that's why he can portray things I didn't even know I would want to see.

The position of women in Hellsing

Moderator: To all of you, was there a scene where you were like, "This scene right here is where I became obsessed"?

Ms J: So this is my personal taste, but I liked the setup of the handsome lady Master and the handsome male Servant. I like butlers, too. So once those three conditions were satisfied, I was like, "This is a good manga". The part where I was like "This is a really good manga" was when Anderson was introduced. At first, I was thinking this would be a story where Alucard dotes upon Seras and raises her up as a vampire, but then we were introduced to a Catholic priest from the same religion, yet who aims to defeat the protagonists...

Ms A: You can't deny the impact of Anderson. The only thing he wants to do is "exterminate vampires". While characters in Hellsing may undergo sudden changes, they never waver. They race from their introduction to their final chapter with just as much momentum as when they were first introduced. Not only is it satisfying to read, you won't be disappointed. As long as your favorite character appears, you can focus all your attentions on them, and before you know it you'll have binge-read to the last chapter. (laughs)

Ms T: For me, the scene when Integra discovers Alucard in the basement, and Alucard was revived with her blood is when I became hooked. While it is an expected development for vampire stories, that part of the story was very beautiful. And afterwards, I loved the tender portrayal of Seras's growth. Among ero-guro media, there are many works that portray women in a demeaning manner, but Hellsing is not one of them.

Ms A: In Hellsing, there is no distinction in the roles that are assigned to men and women.

Ms J: Indeed, women fight and stand on the front lines. And it feels natural.

Ms R: To tell the truth, when I first started reading Hellsing, I thought Integra was a man. And, for some reason it felt overly pandering [T/N: I assume she means pandering to fujoshi] and I just couldn't get into it. But then I realized Integra was a woman, and I was like "Oh, so it's a female/male master-servant relationship! I'm sorry for making such a weird assumption!" (laughs) I feel like it's important that Integra is a woman.

Ms T: In volume 1 there were moments where Integra was told incredulously, "You're a woman?", but in those moments I always felt that, ironically, being called a "woman" was what made her so much more cool. In Hellsing, you get the feeling that all characters are loved by the creator regardless of being male or female, enemy or ally. There are many standout characters among the villains, for example.

Ms J: Each character showcases their individuality in their fighting style as well.

Ms A: I love that Rip Van is this scrawny girl with long limbs, who wields an old-fashioned musket—it gives off a really fantastic impression. The fact that a girl is given that kind of position, without it feeling offensive. When men draw female characters there tends to be a bit of double standards going on, or it can feel cloying or annoying depending on the scenario, but I don't feel that in Hellsing.

Ms J: Far from being annoying, the depictions of women feel unique and cool in their own way.

Ms A: You're right. Traditionally, female characters are accompaniments to the hero, aren't they? But Integra takes the lead, and while Seras is supported by those around her, she moves according to her own choices. Even among the female villains, they are given important roles that they carry out to the end, so you can read while feeling a sense of satisfaction.

Points you would recommend to other women

Ms T: Doesn't the series in general have a sort of sensuality?

Ms J: It does. As it gets nearer and nearer to the endgame, even the fight scenes show more tenderness. It's like a "They love each other, therefore they trade blows" vibe that feels erotic.

Ms R: When Alucard returned to London in volume 8, it felt pretty romantic.

Ms T: On the other hand, the explanations about weapon specs that pop up everywhere seem very male-oriented. I guess this is what you call the author's hobby.

Ms J: Speaking of the author's hobby, I feel like the fact that Walter is an old man is one of them. If you think about it purely in terms of reader appeal, there should have been no problem if Walter was young from the beginning. I get the impression that he was like, "If you're going to add a butler, it better be an old geezer". Ahh—the more I reread, the more I feel like I discover new things.

Moderator: There is plenty more we weren't able to talk about, but to close us off, please appeal to the women who haven't read Hellsing yet as to why they should read the series.

Ms A: The female characters are so full of life, so why not give it a try mainly for the female characters?

Ms T: You can read it together with your boyfriend! There are lots of battles and weapons that guys would like, and there's no nasty relationship drama, so it might actually be a big hit among couples.

Ms J: "Look at Integra and Alucard, honey, they're just like us!" or something? (laughs)

Ms R: When you think of vampire media, you might be inclined to imagine something campy and whimsical. But even though there's a lot of absurdism at play, the world is based on real historical facts. So I want to recommend it broadly, even to those that don't normally enjoy fantasy.

Ms T: I feel like Hellsing is like a very strong liquor. At first you might feel that the taste is overwhelming, but once you get used to it, it becomes delicious.

Ms J: Please go in with zero expectations and give it a read.

Moderator: Thank you all for your time today!

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Link to the raw scans (which are not mine). Feel free to spread and repost my translation to other sites.

#hellsing #kouta hirano #integra hellsing #seras victoria #alucard #i’ve seen the “AxI as yuri” interpretation before but “AxI as yaoi” is new to me… anon is doing some 10000 iq 4d chess maneuver there #I was debating whether to use Girlycard or “Lolicard” like in the original jp but the former is more popular in the eng speaking fandom #it makes sense but Girlycard/Walter being classified as BL is hilarious to me #j anon is a real mood #my translation

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dirtbra1n · 2 years ago

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minds in half a dozen places or so I need to be able to do more than one thing at a time. hanzashiro is calling to me like at least two different videogames are calling to me library book that could be used as a murder weapon is calling to me. Hanzashiro Is Calling To Me.

#back hurts went to the art museum #need to finish sorting basically the entirety of tbhk in my photo album #because it’s siphoning all of my storage space and i need to redownload my music..#that said. i think. with some novel related revelations. i could do some more fun stuff in the river #what’s better than two weird guys Three of them. <- shaking slightly #also. SASAKI HIRANO ASK IN MY ASKBOX.#also how about that art huh. Ha Ha #like sure ooookay we’ll give kagi and hirano SWORDS and hirano’s sword is sheathed still but kagi’s ISN’T and ichinose in the foreground has #a pistol out and is staringinto the camera instead of looking at what nearly everyone else is looking at and niibashi is on the phone with #GOD KNOWS WHO and yeah of course sasaki is sat on the steps there apathetically reloading HIS pistol ALSO looking at the camera rather than #offscreen which is FINE. and MASATO HAS A GUN. AND HE LOOKS READY TO START FIRING AT ANY MOMENT.#AND YOU’LL NOTICE THAT IT’S NOT A REGULAR PLAAAAIIIIIN PISTOL FOR SOME REASON. IT’S ORNATE. LOOKS TO HAVE SOME ENGRAVING.#i’m just supposed to. what. accept this quietly? i’m sick in the head. Sorry #anyway just wanna say plainly that evidently kagi and masato are the ones most ready to go. do violence.#or whatever the weaponry is a metaphor for Looks at you okay i’m done

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moliathh · 8 months ago

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This had been irking me so i have to say it. I know Hellsing is a horror media with a LOT of flashy action scene, however, it is unjust to see it as solely gore and fights. I've seen complaints about how adding a "romance" in will reduce the quality of the story as an "action horror". (specifically speaking is between Alucard and Integra because of course in the end of the day this is just ship war, not a serious discussion whatsoever) I would argue that Hellsing is never ONLY about the actions. Yall might have already noticed how Alucard is too OP, and it was not even because he got any tricks up his sleeves. He is simply invincible, his mechanism is just that hes a "deus ex machina". He did NAWT need to start out with zero and levelling up like your common action anime protagonist. It's not a first time a central character is overpowered in an unreasonable way. A way you could interpret this trope is that it was not about battles, not the physcial one, but the development in their characteristic, their thoughts and emotions and ideology all that stuffs. A classic example is Sir Gawain and The Green Knight (TGK), where all of their (physical) battles are nonsense and did not mean anything in terms of combat, they dont even fight each other, even the climax (the decapitation of TGK) was dismissed into a looney tunes moment. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THE BATTLE NOR PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT, it was the internal struggle and maturing in character. THAT is what's happening in Hellsing IF yall look pass the very flashy facade of gore scenes Hirano put up. READ BETWEEN THE LINES, because he's not gonna hand it out to you on a plate. If you want to see how each character developed you have to look closely at their reactions and dialogues, not how they fight.

SO, imo, it's reducing the quality and message of Hellsing to interpret it solely as an action horror media, not the other way around. AND MIND YOU, romance subplot and action horror can coexist. For what does the character fight? A higher ideal? Power? Fun? Love? All that is noteworthy to think about when you engage in a media display many fight scenes. DONT YOU WANNA KNOW WHY THEY FIGHT THAT HARD ???? and in this case it is VERY obvious that Alucard is motivated by Integra. LIKE it cant be more obvious

And I'm so tired of seeing "Alucard only listen to Integra because of the seal and shes a Hellsing". Bestie, he literally ripped Richard's hand off, we dont even know the extent of the seal, like how far? or can it REALLY control Alucard? Besides, if you have read The Dawn you would see what a damn lazy ass Alucard was, Arthur sent him on a mission and he didn't even bother to walk on his own and just sleep safe and sound in his coffin until he felt like waking up??? Compare that to his enthusiasm to beg Integra on four just for her order and even purposefully tick her off by asking about her enthusiasm for war, oh and did we collectively forget this

(This is the Dark Horse eng scan if i remember correctly? i might be mistaken idk)

Sure it could just be a mere parallel, "The woman he personally desired" might only means Mina Harker and not directly Integra herself, I see. But, why bother choosing this parallel, and RIGHT after this panel he went STRAIGHT to Integra to ask for her order.

You know how enthusiastic he is with a fight and everything was already laid before him, worthy enemies and all. Yet he would not act without her words? I did not see him needing permission before ripping Richard's hand off... Also the seal did NAWT ask him to do all this

There are more of his sickening and excessive display of obedience but i don't have time to pull the panels out yet, but we all know its there since Alucard's submissive attitude and Integra's bossy demeanour is one of their most appealing traits, I know, because it is literally one of the BIGGEST selling points and running joke of the fandom, funnyyyy how people always love to call Alucard a sub and use words such as "freaky" and "slutty" to call him as if he didn't reserved this treatment for ONLY Integra. Sure Integra is a demanding boss to even her enemies, and it works like wonder everytime, because she's Integra, she mastered Alucard, others are just piece of cake to her. But that's not the same case with Alucard. Major literally said "She is the only authority Alucard recognizes". And have Alucard extended the phrase "My master" and all the begging and insinuating jokes to anyone else? It's so convenient isnt it, to just take one specific trait of Alucard's personality and make it his entire character without considering to WHO he directed those innuendos to.

Oh and I haven't walk us to the final chapter yet, like the seal did NAWWWWWTTT asked him to call her "Countess" (or Count, depending on the translators) and literally he could accept his death becoming a paradox? Wasn't Alucard had been craving an end for a long while now? Why the need to return just because Integra asked him to??? Be serious for a moment here

Also a personal interpretation of mine that could be a stretch or just pure delulu is that, in the manga AND the anime adaptation, the last word Alucard said after goodbye is "Integra" (In both Japanese and English dub, the word order is exactly the same), not "Master" or "Integra HELLSING". The same goes when he addressed how he can kill without remorse but the decision is in her hand, he also said "I am a monster, now regarding you, Integra". To me that is an indicator for how he CARED for her not just because she's a Hellsing or his master but she's Integra, from the first of their meeting it was very clear, that Alucard wounded A HELLSING to protect Integra.

So... even non-romantically, you cannot deny that Alucard voluntarily worked for Integra. They DO care about each other a lot, even platonically, their bond is almost like soulmates with how well they trust and understand each other. I just don't like it when people keep side-stepping the depth of their relationship just because you don't like to ship them romantically. These are the canon informations you can't just seriously unironically say that there was nothing there.

And oh don't even get me started on the "But he is a vampire, the enemy of her family and he hates Hellsing because of Abraham something something stockholm syndrome something she's ace coded she's lesbian coded she swore to be a virgin until death she wouldnt throw it away for the enemy of her family etcera etcera" you're saying it as if ace people aren't allowed to date or have sex and you're saying it as if Alucard isn't canonically genderfluid. Why always view the ship as solely heteronormative while they were never conventional to begin with. And MIND YOU, i thought everyone love the enemies to lovers trope?? they were BARELY stockholm syndrome at all did we forget about the Bird of Hermes analogy as a metaphor for loyalty voluntarily given.

If you care so much about "monsters and humans are forbidden" and "they are not canon" maybe treat every ship with the same attitude since MOST of hellsing most popular ships fit into that exact two sentences above, maybe except Pip x Seras is canon, but they're also human x monster, so what now???? Just hate on a ship all you like, I hate ships too and I hate them because I don't like them, that's all, no need to do extra mental gymnastic to prove the ship is "wrong" or their shippers are "wrong".

#rant #talking mostly about alucard x integra #so im gonna tag the ship name in case there are people who dgaf or doesnt want to read about alutegra #alucard x integra #alutegra #giggle a bit whenever ander/card and ser/tegra shippers drag alu/tegra for the reasons that their ships also have #like brostie we should be uniting in delusional not fighting #i dont hate the ship but i dont bother dragging them #are you really sure you wanna come for the ship that contain two of the protagonist trio and had MUCH more interactions than your ship #im not saying more screentime means higher possibility of romance implication #however i would not come for a ship with more official material than mine because it is a losing game #are you really sure you wanna go there #i got so pissed so i wrote this down so fast i didnt even misspelled insinuating and innuendo

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someoneofimportance · 27 days ago

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happy holidays, @arrayoflightarchives !! i was your santa for the @ssmygiftexchange ( ◕▿◕ )

your prompts were:

Ending the Kagihira tension with a first kiss, possibly with jealous Hirano but not too fussed abt that just first kiss for them would be cute

Fake/pretend relationship that leads to either a sort of feelings realisation and/or a first kiss, would probably work for either ship so that's up to the author, but I think it could be nice to see the partner interact with he other person's family cause that was sweet in the show

writing this fic was rly fun!! i tried my best to combine the two prompts [writing jealous hirano was a challenge but i think i figured it out ...! ( ` ∇ ´) ] so i hope it worked out!! i also added a scene that u didn't explicitly ask for (ノ_<。) but i hope u enjoy it nontheless !!!

if u wanna read it on tumblr, i've pasted it below the cut ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶ again, happy holidays and i hope u enjoy !!

Kagiura POV

Tonight is the night Kagiura would confess to Hirano. Everything is set up perfectly. Nothing is going to go wrong.

It’s a frosty November evening, and Kagiura stands at the entrance of the student dormitories and rocks back and forth on his heels, running the plan through his head. He and Niibashi had spent all of last night (against Niibashi’s will) planning for Kagirua’s confession. Neither of them really had much experience in romance, so they mainly pulled from what Kagiura remembered his parents saying their confession was like–a private, intimate exchange just between the two of them.

Combining that with ideas he and Niibashi compiled, it was decided that Kagiura would first bring Hirano to the evergreen tree near the dorms. Then, when only the stars were watching them, Kagiura would confess his feelings to Hirano.

Everything was going great. Everything was going to be great.

. . .

“I can’t return your feelings.” Hirano’s eyes shakily remain on Kagiura’s face, and he awkwardly stuffs his hands deeper into the pockets of his black puffer jacket. “I’m, uh… I’m sorry.”

At first, Kagiura is dumbfounded. Mouth agape, eyes wide in shock, his mind struggles to comprehend Hirano’s sudden, negative response. Then, Kagirua stops. His mouth tightens into a line and his eyes narrow, mirroring Hirano’s by looking to the side. There’s no way. This can’t be it.

After Hirano had exited the dorm, Kagiura had quickly pulled him to the tree in the courtyard where they two currently stood. Kagiura had wasted no time in confessing, his heart already bounding around in his chest. He was expecting surprise, shock even, but this…?

“Are you sure?” Kagiura’s question seems to startle Hirano as his eyes widen suddenly then narrow even faster.

“Hah? What do you mean ‘are you sure?’ Of course I’m sure!” Hirano stalks toward Kagiura, making the younger boy back up a bit in alarm. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I mean, people fall in love without realizing it all the time! You just might not have realized it yet.” Kagiura puts his hands up as if trying to pacify an angry beast (which would be an accurate description of a ticked off Hirano).

“Hell, are you- what are you talking about right now?!”

“Well, have you ever even considered that you might like me like that?” To Kagiura’s surprise, his question stops Hirano right in his tracks.

“Uh… I mean, no, I haven’t-” Without warning, Kagiura yanks Hirano’s hands out of his pockets, clasping them tight.

“That’s because we’ve never tried, so let’s at least try. Let’s go on dates, hold hands, be romantic. Please, Hirano-san, go out with me and then you’ll see!”

"You can't see us as something more because we've never tried it. Let's go out on a date, hold hands, you know, be romantic. Please, Hirano-san, go out with me, then you'll see."

“...What?” Hirano’s confusion is evident on his face and, despite the circumstances, Kagiura can’t help but find it extremely cute.

Panicking, Kagiura quickly backpedals, laughing nervously. “I mean, not as actual boyfriends.” Though it pains Kagiura to say that. “But, like, pretend lovers! We can do all a bunch of couple-y stuff to see if we like it. This type of stuff happens all the time. So, Hirano-san, please…?”

Hirano’s face seems to flip through emotions faster than the second hand of a clock, but as he looks into Kagiura’s desperate eyes, he finally lands on defeat. “Ugh, alright. I’ll think about it. But if I agree, we’re gonna have to lay down some rules. First, let go of my hands.” Kagiura complies, and both boys shove their hands into their pockets to protect them from the chill. “Now, let’s go back inside! It’s cold as hell out here. I can barely think!” Laughing, the two boys hurry back into the student dorms.

That wasn’t so bad, Kagiura muses as he steps back inside, the warm air rushing to meet him. Could have gone much better, of course, but I’m glad it didn’t get any worse. I’m sure everything will turn out okay!

"Kagi-kun, wake up!" Kagiura stirs and blinks open his eyes only to have his view completely obstructed by a piece of paper. He gives a sleepy groan of surprise and gets a light laugh from Hirano in return.

If only I could hear that laugh forever… Kagiura half-consciously muses to himself before attempting to focus on the over-enthusiastic Hirano in front of him.

“I made a list of rules for our…" Hirano’s face reddens and he momentarily breaks eye contact. "Uh, arrangement."

"Hirano-san..." Kagiura shifts into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes. "You were serious about the rules thing…?

“Of course I was!”

“I mean, I don't think normal couples do all this."

"Well, yeah, but we're not really a normal couple, are we?" Hirano paused. "I mean, we're not even a couple at all. And besides, I want to make sure what you want to happen happens, but also make sure there’s nothing weird going on." Kagiura’s sleep-addled brain decides to only focus on certain parts of Hirano’s statement (specifically, the parts where he kind of implied that they were a couple and also pretty much said that he wanted to treat Kagiura right) and the boy buries his face in his hands.

"Hirano-san... it's a bit early to be saying stuff like that..."

"Hey, it was you who said you wanted to start waking up earlier! That’s not on me." Kagiura peeks at Hirano through his hands in exasperation. He really doesn’t get what I mean, huh, Kagiura thinks to himself. But before he could clarify, Hirano shakes the paper he’s been holding in front of Kagiura. Kagi, a little apprehensively, takes the paper and looks at the list of rules he’ll have to follow. It reads:

NO TOUCHING AT ALL. [Upon reading this line, Kagiura’s face forms into a slight pout. ]

You (Kagiura) have to keep your grades up. Don’t let this relationship distract you. [Kagiura’s face shifts from one of disappointment to light panic.]

Relationship ends on the first day of the new year.

“Wait, New Years?!” Kagiura’s wide eyes flash towards Hirano, who sits across from him on the bed with his arms crossed.

“Yeah, New Years. What about it?”

“But that’s-that’s so soon!” Kagiura leans toward Hirano, who simply gazes back at him, unimpressed. “That’s only, like, a little over a month!”

“I think that’s plenty of time. And besides, there’s a whole break from school during that time. We’ll be able to do a lot of thinking then.”

“I guess so, but still…” Kagiura pouts again, flipping the sheet back and forth in his hands. “What’s gonna happen after time is up?”

“Stop ‘dating’, probably.” Hirano’s bluntness, paired with the prospect of ending their (fake) relationship, shocks Kagiura.

“What?! Just like that?! You’ve gotta think about these kinds of things more, Hirano-san!”

“Well, what do you suggest then, huh?!”

Kagiura pauses and considers his options for a split second before replying. “We don’t need to break up right at that moment. We could just re-evaluate. See if we want to continue the ‘fake’ relationship, or…” He trails off, and while he doesn’t finish his sentence, both boys know how it would have ended.

Or start a real one.

After another beat of silence, Kagiura speaks up again. “I do have something else I want to say, though.”

“What’s up?” Hirano shifts closer to Kagiura to see the paper, but there is no need; Kagiura shoves the paper in Hirano’s face anyway.

“No touching? At all?! But that’s the whole point of couples and us dating! We need to be able to touch each other!” Kagiura’s shiny eyes bore into Hirano’s, and Hirano feels his face flushing slightly as he leans away from Kagiura’s hand.

“What- I- okay, okay! Hang on!” Hirano sighs and reaches his hand out for Kagiura to place the rules list in. After receiving the paper, he glances at the rules he set again.

I thought it was pretty reasonable, but it seems like Kagi-kun had other plans, Hirano hypothesizes, taking a glance at Kagiura.

“Are you sure we can’t touch? At all? Like, at ALL?” Kagiura insistently questions Hirano. “I mean, we already touched a lot even before we started dating!”

“Okay, first off, we’re NOT dating.”

“Yet.”

“Wh- I mean- yeah, I guess so. But anyway,” Hirano’s face grows redder every second. “You know what I meant! I meant touching romantically. Like hand holding, hugging, that kind of thing. And why would we need to do all of that anyway, since we’re not a real couple?”

“But I want us to be as close as real couples are. Like my parents.” Kagiura shifts closer to Hirano and Hirano can’t find it in himself to scoot away. “Even if we’re in public or in our dorm, I always want to be as close to you as I can. It’s because I lo-” Hirano cuts Kagiura off by snatching up a pillow and smashing it in Kagiura’s face.

“I get it! Good grief. You don’t have to remind me.” Hirano could’ve sworn he felt Kagiura smile through the plush of the semi-thick pillow. “Alright, fine. If this means this much to you, then…I guess it’s okay.” Kagiura lights back up again, and Hirano lets the younger boy bask in that happiness for a little bit longer until he makes his next remark. “But, we’ll still need to set some ground rules. First off, it can only be for ten seconds a day.”

“ONLY ten?!” Kagiura’s shock surprises Hirano who honestly thought that that was a good suggestion. “That’s way too short! A minute is much better!”

“A minute?! No way! fifteen seconds.”

“forty-five seconds!”

“twenty seconds!”

“Fine, thirty seconds. Deal?” Hirano raises an eyebrow at a pondering Kagiura.

“Hmm…deal!” Kagiura grabs Hirano’s hands and shakes them in a messy handshake. “Thank you, Hirano-san!”

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Hirano muses while looking at Kagiura’s smiling face. It’s only a month. It’ll be okay.

Everything will be okay.

HIrano POV

Hirano sits at his desk, twiddling his pen in his fingers. He stares down at his glaringly empty practice test and frowns.

It’s been a few weeks since he and Kagi began ‘dating’ and, surprisingly, nothing had really changed. They still study together in their room (and Hirano did extend the time of their study sessions. Kagi’s grades really needed it), they still eat most meals together, and they still chat and laugh as if nothing had changed. The only indication of any kind of ‘romance’ happening would be the 30 seconds of touching they do every day.

Hirano huffs just thinking about it. While he can’t exactly say he looks forward to the daily touches, he doesn’t hate them either. He just feels…nothing. The same couldn’t be said about Kagiura, however, and Hirano can’t help but smile when imagining about Kagi’s happy grin every time they hold each other (but winces when remembering Kagi’s disappointment every time they part). Maybe if I had actually let him touch me for a minute, he’d be a little happier. But would even that help? Is there something else he wants? Hirano’s brain becomes a whirlwind of questions and he leans back in his desk chair, his arm resting on his forehead. He looks up at the ceiling of his and Kagi’s dorm room and grumbles to himself. “What does that guy want? Ugh, I can’t focus.” Slamming his pen onto his desk, Hirano stands up and runs a hand through his hair.

I should find Kagi. He doesn’t dwell on exactly why he wants to do that (it’s just because Kagi fires him up to study. That’s all), quickly slipping his phone into his hand and opening the messaging app.

Kagi-kun

11:30 AM

Kagi-kun: Ahhh i’m just too nervous… what if i fail this test?! 😰

Kagi-kun: Again?!?!?! 😰😰😰

Me: You’ll be okay. Just make sure you remember what we went over last night.

Kagi-kun: Okay, thank you hirano-san 🥹

Kagi-kun: I’ll see you after school!!! 👋😁

Me: See you. 👋

Read

6:03 PM

Me: Hey, where are you right now?

Hirano shoots Kagi a text and waits. After a while, he checks his phone again. Nothing. He sends another.

Me: Hello? Kagi-kun?

Short and to the point. Should be easy for Kagiura to see and reply to.

I should at least try to start this practice test while I wait, Hirano thinks and so he does. He sets his phone down and tries his best to focus on the paper in front of him. Although his eyes read the instructions, his mind can’t seem to focus on those words, instead choosing to wander off to wherever Kagiura could be. Every few seconds, Hirano finds his gaze flicking to his phone and he tries to force himself to refocus to no avail. “Agh, screw it!” Hirano pushes away from his essentially untouched study materials, then grabs his phone and a jacket, rushing out of his dorm.

Stepping into the common area, he walks around, asking everybody in sight if they’d seen Kagiura. None of them give him an answer and some even laugh, saying he’s ‘addicted’ to Kagiura. Hirano just scoffs, turning away and checking his phone once more.

Still nothing. Hirano sighs in defeat, then finds a sofa and sinks into it. His eyebrows furrow and he stares at his phone as if it was deeply offending him.

Is he avoiding me on purpose? Hirano silently questions himself, pulling apart and examining all of his memories of the past week or so. I’ve let him touch me everyday, I’ve been helping him get up in the mornings and study in the evenings like usual, and I even went to watch one of his practices when he asked me to. Is there something that I did wrong? Damn, this whole “fake dating” thing is way too complicated. Hirano stews for a bit longer, repeating everything he’d done for Kagi in his head over and over again. He really had just been trying to help Kagiura out, and spoil him just a little, but maybe he’d overstepped somewhere? Hirano could feel a headache coming on. He hops off the sofa and makes his way to the dorm exit. Maybe if I look around some more, I can find him and get an explanation. Hopefully.

…

Hirano eventually finds himself outside of the gym. He honestly wasn’t sure why it took him so long to take his search there; this was Kagiura, number one basketball fan, we were talking about here. He peeks through the window and, sure enough, Kagiura races past, dribbling a basketball in his right hand. Hirano’s relaxed expression quickly turns to one of confusion. Because sprinting right on Kagi’s trail is someone Hirano has never seen before.

Well, that’s normal. Hirano muses, leaving his spot at the window and moving toward the gym door. Basketball is a team sport, so it’ll be good for him to practice with someone else.

Entering the complex, Hirano leans on the wall and slips his hands in his pockets. He watches Kagiura and the other guy run circles around each other. Sometimes Kagiura scores, sometimes the other student scores, and sometimes neither of them score and they’re stuck in a perpetual loop of running around. How they haven’t dropped dead from exhaustion yet, Hirano doesn’t know. What Hirano does know is just how passionate Kagiura is about basketball.

He’d already seen Kagi’s love for the sport in action already, but seeing him now only solidified that idea in Hirano’s mind. Kagiura’s laughter bounces off the gym walls as he lands another shot–all bucket, no net. Hirano watches Kagiura’s expression as he plays. The boy’s eyes flick around like stars dancing in the sky, and his smile seems to be a mile long. Hirano can’t help but find himself smiling along with his kouhai.

That expression seems familiar. Hirano thinks back to all of the times he’d seen Kagiura wear a similar passionate face. There were the times when Kagi was practicing basketball or playing in a game, and even that one time Hirano played with him.

And it was there every time that Kagiura expressed his feelings for Hirano. Every time they touched. Every time Kagiura told Hirano he loved him. That was when Kagiura looked at Hirano with those damn passionate eyes like Hirano was the most important person in the world.

That same expression, Hirano grits his teeth silently. is what’s currently trained on that random guy running around with him. Hirano doesn’t recognize him, nor does he really care to try. All he knows is that Kagiura’s looking a little too happy to be around that random guy, and Hirano doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. He walks carefully up to the two players as they stand still to take a break and firmly places his hand on Kagi’s shoulder.

…

Kagiura POV

Kagiura almost jumps out of his skin as Hirano’s hand lands on his shoulder. “Hirano-san!” He yelps in shock, turning around to face the older boy.

Then his face falls slack and he blinks in surprise, not at his senior’s sudden appearance, but at the expression on his face. Hirano is known to be harsh or severe at times, but Kagiura has never seen this amount of pure anger on Hirano’s face before. His eyes are dark, and his lips are set in a hard frown. Kagiura hesitates before calling out again. “Hirano-san?”

“I was looking for you.” Hirano speaks to Kagiura but doesn’t look at him. Instead, his gaze is trained on the poor kid in front of him, still holding the basketball in a trembling grip. “Go.” The other student all but runs away, grabshis jacket and water bottle, and drops the basketball at the door as he slams it shut behind him. The sound of the ball thumping against the floor echo around the gymnasium. Kagiura stands unmoving, staring at the exit door until he feels a hand grab his wrist.

“Ah, Hirano-san, wait! I need to get my stuff!” Hirano pauses. Then, without a sound, lessens his grip on Kagiura’s wrist. Kagiura hesitates for a second, watching Hirano’s face. He then turns away from Hirano and toward his backpack and jacket that he had left on the ground. As he goes to pick up his items, he takes a moment to process what had just happened. What’s going on with Hirano-san? Why did he react like that? As he adjusts the straps of his backpack, he thinks a little deeper. The way he snapped at that guy, it seemed like… As a realization hits him, Kagiura’s head snaps towards an outwardly nonchalant Hirano who simply looks back at him. Like he was jealous. Kagiura bounds over to Hirano, but before he can ask anything, Hirano grabs him by the hand and resumes attempting to him home.

“Wait, Hirano-” Kagiura tries to reason with the shorter boy but he gets nothing in response. It isn’t until the pair arrives at the evergreen tree outside of the dormitories that Hirano finally comes to a stop and Kagiura leaps at the opportunity to question him.

“Hirano-san, I have to ask…” Kagiura begins, and Hirano turns so he’s looking the taller boy in the eyes. “What was up with your reaction earlier? I mean, it's not like it's the first time you've seen me train with another guy before.”

“Yeah, I have, but we’re dating now so it's diff-” Hirano cuts himself off, and blinks in stunned silence at his own response. He quickly tries to take it back, trying and failing to rephrase what he’d just said, but in Kagiura’s eyes the damage was already done. Kagi’s eyes feel like they’re blowing out of his skull and a grin spreads across his face.

“Yes! We are!” He says it like it’s a marvelous revelation. “We are dating!” Hearing Hirano acknowledge their situation so casually makes Kagiura feel like he’s living the best kind of dream. Despite the frigid December air soaking into his bones and freezing them as well as the darkness of night obscuring all light, Kagiura could’ve sworn he was sitting by a campfire by how warm he felt. He squeezes Hirano’s hand and feels his heart jump a trampoline in his chest when he feels Hirano squeeze back. The two stand like that for a while, Hirano seemingly lost in thought and Kagiura happily watching Hirano’s face. Neither of them were counting the seconds that passed.

“Oh! I just remembered…” Kagiura uses his free hand (as, he notes with immeasurable pleasure, his other hand is still in Hirano’s unyielding grasp) to pull out his phone from his jacket pocket. He opens his messaging app, then shows Hirano a few messages. “My family wants to meet you! So, I was wondering if you would be up to visit them during Christmas?”

Hirano skims over the energetic texts between Kagiura and his parents. “Christmas, huh? That’s just in a few days. Damn, time flies fast.” He looks back at Kagi. “Y’know what? Sure. I’d like to meet them too.” If Kagiura’s past smiles were bright, then the one he gives Hirano now makes Hirano feel like he’d stepped into the sun.

“Great! It’s a date!”

“Yeah, it’s- wait a damn minute. This isn’t a date!” Hirano lightly shoves Kagiura in the shoulder, eliciting a small laugh from him. Kagiura looks down at Hirano, still smiling wider than he thinks he’s ever smiled. “Ugh, whatever. It’s too cold for this!” The pair continue on their journey back to the dormitories, hand in frozen hand. It’s only until much later that Kagiura realizes how long they had been touching (much, MUCH longer than 30 seconds), and makes a silent vow to Hirano that he won’t cheat the system like that again.

…

Hanzawa, watching Hirano and Kagiura from a distance, turns away from the window as the pair begin to approach the dorm. He swiftly makes his way to his room, mentally thanking his dormmate for not being there at the moment. He was going to need that privacy. Sinking into his bed, Hanzawa puts his head in his hands. He had a lot to think about that night, and wasn’t even sure where to begin.

A few days later…

Hirano POV

“Hirano-san!” Hirano could feel Kagiura’s infectious energy from down the hall. Laughing slightly, he abandons his spot by Sasaki’s side in favor of lightly jogging over to his kouhai. The two begin to walk in tandem towards the school’s exit.

“What’s up, man? How was class?” Hirano didn’t fail to notice Kagiura’s hand instinctively reach toward Hirano’s arm, but just as quickly fall back to the younger boy’s side.

“It was great! We just got our tests back. The one I crammed for a while ago, remember?”

“You cram for a lot of exams. Pretty much all of them, actually.”

“Okay, but this one was different! It was so much harder than all the others. But I still did really well!” Kagiura rustles a stapled stack of paper towards Hirano and he takes it, glancing at the grade marked in red at the top. “See?”

Hirano whistles. “95 percent, huh. Nice job, Kagi-kun!” Hirano feels pride swell in his heart at seeing the high marks on Kagi’s test. He’d been struggling really badly in that class so far, but after Hirano cracked down on their studying (or more specifically, when they had started ‘dating’), the two of them were able to slowly but surely build up Kagiura’s proficiency.

I’m glad I could help him, Hirano muses as he hands back Kagiura’s test, a big grin on his face. “That means we get to fully relax tonight, huh?”

“Yeah, you’re right!” Kagiura folds up the test and slips it in his pocket. “I’m really happy you’re gonna come with me to visit my parents today. They’ve really wanted to meet you.” Kagi pauses. “I’ve really wanted you to meet them.” The distinction leaves Hirano a little confused, but he smiles anyway.

“I’m excited too.” The boys keep walking down the hall. “We’re pretty much going over there right now, right? Although I guess we should drop our stuff off at the dorm, first.”

“That’s a good idea,” Kagiura’s face lights up. “Oh, if we do, then I can buy my siblings some snacks from the vending machine! What do you think they’d like?”

“How am I supposed to know?! They’re your siblings, not mine.” As he laughs, Hirano feels his phone buzz and he takes it out of his pocket, glancing at the notification. “Oh, it’s Hanzawa. Gimme a minute, Kagi-kun.” Kagiura stands at attention as Hirano taps on the pop-up on his homescreen, opening his messaging app.

Hanzawa Masato (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

3:32 PM

Hanzawa Masato (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ: hirano, i need to speak to you in the committee room rn

Me: Ah, okay, sure. Just give me a minute.

Hanzawa Masato (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ: see you soon~ (*・ω・)

Read

Hirano, puzzled, turns to Kagi by his side. "Sorry, I have to go. Hanzawa wants to see me. Go on ahead, alright?"

Kagiura nods. "Sure! Want me to grab a snack for you too?"

"No, it's okay. Just get some for your siblings. See you soon."

"Bye! I’ll wait for you to get back!" Kagiura starts to walk away then doubles back, giving Hirano's hand a light squeeze “Because we won’t be able to touch while we’re at my family’s place.” Kagiura whispers to Hirano, a not-so apologetic smile on his face) before speeding off. Hirano cradles the hand Kagiura had been holding just a moment ago, then strolls to the committee room.

Entering the classroom, Hirano looks around for the committee vice president. "Hey, you needed me?" Hanzawa sits by the desks, carefully sorting through a pile of contraband and turns to look at Hirano when he enters.

"Oh, there you are! Come, come, sit down." Hirano, warily, takes a seat across from Hanzawa. The two sit in silence for a while and Hirano's nerves rapidly begin to thin. Finally, Hanzawa speaks.

"I saw you and Kagiura the other night. Out near the tree." Hirano all but bolts out of his chair, his hands slamming the table.

"Listen, I-" Hirano's protests are quickly cut off by Hanzawa.

"Are you happy?"

Hirano, in befuddlement, has to take a moment before responding. "What?"

"I should rephrase. Does Kagiura make you happy?" Hanzawa's question catches Hirano completely off guard. And yet, he finds himself able to answer right away.

"Yeah. He does."

"Do you make him happy?"

"Of course!" Hirano replies indignantly then catches himself. "Or, uh, I try to."

"Then that's all there is to it!" Hanzawa gives Hirano his classic sly-fox grin. "Honestly, I really am glad to hear that."

"Really? But what about us breaking the rules? I feel like you should be worried about that." More than you are right now, at least. Hirano silently adds.

"Well, I am talking to Mr. Dyed Blonde Hair, so it’s not like this is your first time." Hanzawa chuckles while Hirano blushes lightly in embarrassment. "On the other hand, for Kagiura, this was a little out of character. Either way, I can't say that I want to stop you, even if that means bending the rules a little bit. Just," His voice trails off and his worried eyes open slightly, softly landing on Hirano. "Be careful, alright? Don't be so casual about things like this, especially outdoors."

"Okay. Thank you, Hanzawa."

"Noooo problem!" The normal Hanzawa comes back out and he gives Hirano a cheerful thumbs up. "I'll leave you to it, then! Have fun out there~"

"What- wait, what do you mean ‘have fun’?!” Hirano sputters as Hanzawa begins pushing him out of the room.

"Don't you worry. Goodbye now!" Hanzawa all but shoves Hirano back into the hallway and slams the door shut. Still slightly in shock, Hirano stumbles away, off to catch up to Kagiura.

…

As the door swings shut, Hanzawa smiles softly to himself. He cheerily returns to his pile of confiscated goods. I wish you both well, he mentally tells Hirano and Kagiura. And good luck out there.

“Merry Christmas!” A chorus of cheerful voices greet Hirano and Kagiura at the entrance to Kagi’s family home. Hirano finds himself a little bit overwhelmed, and glances with wide eyes at Kagiura, who gives him a warm look back. Carefully, the two boys step into the house and look around.

Almost everywhere Hirano looks, someone or something is there. Whether it’s a giant vase holding a flourishing plant, or a painting obviously done by a child, or a sofa covered in jackets and sweatshirts, everything in the house holds an indication of the lively, warm family that lives in there. Not only that, but the people surrounding Hirano themselves were the brightest features of them all: a kind handshake here, a pat on the head there, a cheerful greeting from a little kid there, and Hirano felt himself almost instantaneously be absorbed into the embrace of the Kagiura family.

They really aren’t that much different from him, Hirano thinks while taking his seat at the dinner table next to Kagi. All of them are just so…bright. Hirano feels his lips curl into a slight smile. Especially them.

Hirano observes Kagiura’s parents as they jostle and joke with each other. Kagiura’s mother pinches her husband’s cheek after he makes a particularly painful pun. The two of them giggle with each other like they’re highschoolers on their first date. Is this what Kagi-kun wants us to be? Hirano muses, thinking back to the times Kagiura had used his parents’s relationship as the pinnacle of how all romance should be (and there were a LOT of times). Speaking of the younger boy, Hirano sends a knowing look over to Kagiura then halts when he sees the other boy’s face. A wide grin, similar to the one on his parents' faces, alights the boy’s features and a sunny laugh bursts out of him at his parents’ antics. Hirano can do nothing but stare at the glow of the boy next to him for a few moments (although to Hirano it feels like hours) before turning back to looking at the adults at the table.

Is that what Kagi-kun wants us to be? Hirano resumes eating. I think I’d be okay with that, especially if it means seeing him smile like that again– wait. WHAT?! Hirano pauses mid bite, his face rapidly flushing. Kagiura, his cheeks full of food, glances at him in worry. Wait, did I just- no way. Hirano carefully sets down his chopsticks and uses his napkin to ‘dab at his mouth’ AKA hide his blush. Ugh, Kagi-kun really has been rubbing off on me too much. He puts his napkin down and tries to resume eating again, but is quickly stopped by another distractor. This time, it’s Kagiura’s mom, leaning across the table to speak with him over the loud din of other conversations happening.

“So, Hirano-kun, how’s life with our Kagi-kun in the dorms? Hope he’s not giving you too much trouble.” She leans even further to pinch her son on the cheek and he bats away her hand.

“He hasn’t at all, miss. He’s been really diligent in his studies and basketball practices. I’m proud of him.” Hirano’s heartfelt and gentle-mannered response almost makes Kagiura drop the rice he was about to shovel into his mouth, but it delights Kagiura’s mom.

“Oh, that is so good to hear!” She puts her hands together, leaning them to the side. “We were worried about letting him stay in the dorms, you know. But it’s good that he has such a great senpai there to help him!”

“Yes, we really have a lot to thank you for.” Kagiura’s father chimes in. “Kagi-kun’s been telling us about how much you’ve been helping him. Waking him up, helping him study….ah, what else was there?” He turns with a lost look to his wife, who readily finishes his sentence.

“Eating peppers for him and motivating him to get good grades!” Hirano, for what feels like the thousandth time that night, feels his face grow hot. He looks over to Kagiura and feels a little bit relieved that he’s not the only one. Kagiura’s mom laughs. “Oh, look at you two boys. There’s no need to be embarrassed about a good friendship! C’mere!” She pats both of them on the cheek, Hirano giving her a polite, but embarrassed, smile and Kagiura trying to swat her hand away again.

“There’s no need to thank me, really.” Hirano becomes serious, his tone shifting to one of determination. “As his senpai, my goal is to help Kagi-kun in any way that I can. So, all of these things don’t burden me at all, especially if it means I can push him closer to his own goals.” Hirano’s monologue stuns the other members at the table into silence. Everyone stares at him for a second (Did I say something wrong? Hirano internally panics), before the atmosphere is broken by a cry from one of Kagiura’s younger sisters.

“SO COOL!” Everyone bursts into laughter, then resumes eating. Kagiura’s parents still shoot Hirano grateful looks and he returns them with a smile and a wave of ‘no need’.

After finishing dinner and unwrapping presents (Kagiura got a pack of sweatbands and Hirano got some fancy stationery), the pair of boys start getting ready to leave. Standing at the foyer, Kagiura’s parents watch them while they put their coats back on.

“You can just stay the night, you know!” Kagiura’s mom calls out to them, her eyebrows furrowed. “It’s already pretty dark out– it might be hard to see on your way back.”

“No, it’s okay, tha-” Hirano begins, but is swiftly cut off.

“YOU CAN STAY FOREVER!” Hirano and Kagiura jump at Kagiura’s little sister’s interjection. Kagiura’s face completely flushes and Hirano sputters while everyone around them roars with laughter.

Kagiura’s mom doubles over, trying to catch her breath. “Haha! Sorry about that one, dears. She always gets excited about things like this.” Not clarifying what ‘this’ is, she plows on, wiping her eyes from her tears of laughter. “But are you two really sure you want to leave now?”

Kagiura, still flush-faced, nods quickly. “Yeah! We’ll be okay, promise!”

“Alright, kiddo. Just let us know if you need anything, okay? We’re always a text away.” Kagiura’s mom turns to Hirano. “That goes to you too, you know. We’ll be there for you, both of you, if you need us.”

“Thank you very much,” The teens respond in unison. After fitting on their shoes and saying their last goodbyes, the pair slip out of the Kagiura’s home and into the dark of the December night.

As they walk side by side, the two boys fall into silence. While Kagiura leisurely strolls down the sidewalk, Hirano doesn’t think he could feel any more stressed than he does right now. Staring directly down at the ground, Hirano stews, stuck in his own head. What the hell was I thinking back there? Hirano reflects on his thoughts during the dinner, growing increasingly confused. Why was I even thinking stuff like that? Is it really just because I’ve been getting closer to Kagi because of our dating thing? Or is it- His train of thought is interrupted as he bumps head first into a wall of solid muscle and stumbles backwards. “Agh! What the hell?” Looking up from the ground, he gets an eyeful of Kagiura’s shirt. His embarrassed gaze travels further upwards, meeting Kagiura’s worried face.

“Sorry, Hirano-san!” Kagiura reaches out to try to stabilize Hirano. “We just got to the train station. Are you-”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go.” Hirano, hiding his face, gently pushes Kagiura’s hands away and continues towards the stop. Kagiura follows him happily, albeit a little confused, and the pair sit on the station’s bench to wait for the train.

…

Hirano and Kagiura sit shoulder to shoulder on the train. The seat cushion feels firm and plastic-y, and each time either boy shifts a muscle a creaking sound is heard.

Not really the best place to take a nap, Hirano thinks, then looks to his side with an affectionate smile. And yet here he is.

Kagiura is completely fast asleep, his eyes shut and his head bobbing up and down with the movement of the train. He sways a little, about to fall away from Hirano.

“Careful.” Hirano’s warning falls on unconscious ears as he grabs the younger boy’s arm, pulling him back toward Hirano. Kagiura’s head tilts again, this time landing on Hirano’s shoulder. The older boy stills for a moment then relaxes, and he gives a small exasperated, but affectionate, sigh. “Jeez, what’re you thinking, sleeping in a place like this?” He playfully questions a completely passed-out Kagiura, then turns his gaze to the window across from them.

Watching the scenery pass by, Hirano finds himself alone with his thoughts. Should I be counting to thirty seconds? Hirano considers the option for a moment before making his decision. Nah. It’s fine.

As he sits with Kagiura’s head on his shoulder, Hirano opens up his phone, glancing at the date and time. There’s less than a week until the new year. We’ve only got so much more time left until we have to ‘re-evaluate’. If it ends up being that we aren’t working out, then that could mean the end of moments like this. Hirano feels his heart grow cold. For some weird reason, Hirano broods, grimacing. I really, really don’t want this to end.

Slowly, sleep spreads over Hirano as if he’d caught it from Kagiura. Just a quick rest couldn’t hurt, I guess. Hirano gets comfortable, shifting a little in his seat and making it squeak. He winces at the sound and glances at Kagiura, making sure he hadn’t accidentally woken him upFinding the younger boy to still be dead to the world, Hirano lets out a soft sigh of relief. He carefully leans his own head against Kagiura’s and lets sleep gently take him away.

And if Hirano, right before he closes his eyes, finds Kagiura’s hand and squeezes it just to see Kagiura smile gently in his sleep, then that’s between Hirano and the cold air of the empty train.

Italicized text is Kagiura’s POV. Internal thoughts will be written with apostrophes.

Bold text is Hirano’s POV

The first day of the new year arrives faster than either boy wanted it to. Every student buzzes about, making plans for hatsumode. Kagiura and Hirano are no exception.

The plan is simple: Hirano is to meet Kagiura and Niibashi (Kagiura wanted Niibashi to be there with him as moral support and tried everything he could to convince the shorter boy to come with. Despite Niibashi’s initial hesitation, he eventually gave in) at the school entrance, then take the train together to the temple. There, they’ll meet up with Hirano’s friends and some other students in Kagiura’s grade (according to Hirano, their names are Miyano, Kuresawa, and Tashiro. He doesn’t really know any of them that well, but a friend of Hirano-san’s is a friend of Kagiura’s). As a group, they’ll pray at the shrine, then buy their omikuji.

On the train ride to the temple, Kagiura can’t help but hope for a lucky fortune. Seeing as his omikuji from last year was not that great, especially about romance, Kagiura prays he sees something a little more optimistic this year.

On the train ride to the temple, Hirano’s head is swarming with thoughts. Today is the last day of his deal with Kagiura. What should he say? When should he say it?

How the hell is he supposed to tell Kagiura all the things he’s made Hirano think and feel these past few weeks?

Niibashi, sitting across from the other boys, sighs deeply and clutches his bag closer to his chest. He watches them sitting next to each other, both lost in their own thoughts. This is going to be a tough journey to the temple. He thinks, berating himself just a little bit for agreeing to go with Kagiura. I guess I got what I agreed to.

…

Arriving at the temple, all three boys shiver as they are hit with the sharp, January air.

Kagiura instinctively takes a step towards Hirano. “It’s way too cold!” He wails, shoving his hands impossibly deeper into his pockets. Hirano laughs, his breath making clouds in the air.

“Told ya so! You should’ve worn more layers like I told you to.” Hirano jokingly scolds Kagiura, making the younger boy pout. Kagiura moves even closer to Hirano then speaks quietly to him, and only him.

“Maybe if you held me, I would be a lot warmer.” Kagiura moves away from Hirano and lightly jogs to catch up with Niibashi.

Kagiura’s voice is low and soft, and Hirano flushes from what he tells himself is shock. “You little-” He grabs the hood of Kagiura’s jacket and yanks him backwards, eliciting a yelp from the younger boy. “Get back here!” Kagiura stumbles over to Hirano, and the older boy forcibly links their arms together. “There. That better?” Kagiura’s mouth opens and closes like he’s a fish out of water before nodding swiftly, cheerily beaming at Hirano. Ah. There it is. Hirano silently takes note of the shining scene before him as the pair walk to their friends. That’s the face I’ve always wanted to see.

…

Kagiura stands at the shrine, his hands pressed together. Taking a deep breath, he considers what he wants to wish for. ‘Maybe I really should pray for good luck. Hirano-san and I are going to be talking things out today, after all.’

Hirano stands next to Kagiura, thinking back on the past few weeks. We’ve really been acting like a couple lately, huh, Hirano wonders. Honestly, I can’t say I didn’t like it, though.

Kagiura slowly draws his eyes closed. ‘This is the day that everything changes, isn’t it?’

Hirano raises his hands in prayer. I think I know what I want now.

‘I really hope that this time…’

I hope, even after all this time, that...

‘He returns’ my feelings.

…

Once everyone has finished with their omikuji, the whole group begins walking towards the snack stalls.

Kagiura clutches his omikuji in his fist, his heart pounding in his ears. ‘I don’t think I’ve even felt this panicked over a game!’ Kagiura internally stresses out, glancing around at his surroundings. ‘Okay, I’ve just gotta find Hirano-san and then we can set this all straight.’ He stops in his tracks, taking a big gulp of crisp, winter air to steel his nerves. ‘Alright, I got this!’

Hirano walks at the back of the group, his omikuji slipped into his pants pocket. There’s really one thing left to do, now. He peeks around people’s shoulders in search of a certain kouhai of his. I’ve just gotta rip the bandaid off, at this point. Pushing through the crowd, he’s eventually able to reach out and tap Kagiura on the shoulder. “Hey, Kagi-kun! Over here!”

Kagiura whirls around to see a pink-faced Hirano behind him. He immediately halts his movement, causing a few people to bump shoulders with him in the process. “Hirano-san! I was looking for you. Should we…?” He trails off, gesturing around the two of them vaguely.

Hirano, despite Kagiura’s unclear question, understands him perfectly. “Yeah. Come with me.” He waves for the younger boy to follow him, and the pair begin pushing through the crowd. As they shove their way toward their destination, Hirano mentally runs through how he’ll open the conversation. Nothing too dramatic, he reminds himself. Just tell him that we need to talk about our relationship and go from there. Tell him how you feel…or something. Hirano frowns deeply as the pair reaches the place he had led them both to— underneath the shade of an evergreen tree. Damnit, this is gonna be harder than I thought. Shit, we’re already here? That wasn’t enough time at all. Hirano slowly comes to a stop, turning to Kagiura, who looks at him expectantly.

“Uh…” Hirano starts before cutting himself off, coughing into his hand. “Damn, how do I say this?” It takes a moment but Hirano eventually meets Kagiura’s eyes and Kagi felt as if he was about to explode. “We need to talk about our relationship moving forward.”

“Yeah,” Kagiura agrees, his breath hitching. “We do.” ‘Please.’ Kagiura silently pleads with anyone who’ll listen, his grip on his omikuji tightening. ‘Please say what I want to hear.’

“Listen, I don’t think this is going to work out.” Hirano’s words fall onto Kagiura’s ears like bricks off a crumbling building. Before he knows it, Kagiura’s swiftly approaching Hirano and reaching his hand towards his senpai.

Hirano opens his mouth to continue his sentence, but is abruptly silenced by Kagiura cornering him. He stumbles backwards until he feels his back press against the tree. Kagiura presses his hand on the trunk just above Hirano’s head. All Hirano can do is stare up into the depths of Kagiura’s heavy gaze. “Kagi-” Hirano tries again, but Kagiura beats him to the punch.

“NO!” Kagiura hears himself cry out, but doesn’t realize just how loud his voice is. Every iota of his attention is devoted solely to the boy underneath him. “No. You can’t say that.” He shifts his position so his forearm now rests on the tree and not his hand. In doing so, Kagiura’s face inches ever closer to Hirano’s. “I won’t let you say that. There’s still so much I want to say to you. So much I want to do. And I can’t do it with anyone else but you!” Kagiura presses on, not letting Hirano even interject a single word.

“I love you, Hirano-san. And I’m not gonna let you go. Not like this. Not ever.”

Kagiura closes the final centimeters of empty space left between him and Hirano.

Kagiura’s lips are chapped. The bark of the tree presses uncomfortably against Hirano’s back. The ripping winter winds scrape against any spot of his exposed skin. Yet despite all of that, Hirano couldn’t imagine a more perfect first kiss.

After a few, fleeting seconds the two separate. They remain in place for a few more moments, their faces inches away, before Kagiura’s eyes (which he had closed during their embrace) fly open and he rockets away from Hirano. “I-I’m-” Kagiura stutters, his hand trembling over his mouth. “Oh, Hirano-san, I’m so sor-”

“Kiss me again.” Hirano’s sudden declaration stops Kagiura in his tracks.

“Wh-What?”

“I said, kiss me again. I can’t stand seeing that look on your face, so-” This time it’s Hirano that’s being interrupted, as Kagiura sweeps the shorter boy into his arms and presses their lips together once more. Hirano, clumsily, places his hands on the sides of Kagiura’s face. Is this how you’re supposed to do it? Ah, screw it. Hirano forgoes trying to figure out what to do and simply leans into Kagiura, enjoying the feel of Kagiura’s smile against his lips.

Kagiura is over the moon. No, further than that, he’s in another universe entirely. This second kiss lasts much longer than the first, and once they separate, both boys have to take a while to catch their breath. Kagiura still holds onto Hirano, but his grip is looser than before. “Does this– hah,” Kagiura manages to struggle out a few words before having to start again, taking a big gulp of air. “Does this mean you like me, too?” He eyes a completely red-faced Hirano and can’t tell if his complexion is from the cold, lack of air, embarrassment, or all of the above.

Hirano’s face feels hot, and even he can’t pinpoint exactly why. He wipes his lips with his sleeve before replying to Kagiura, trying his hardest to look his kouhai in the eyes. “Yeah, it does. And that’s also what I was trying to tell you before you started jumping to conclusions.” Hirano watches as Kagiura processes what he said. Slowly, the younger boy’s eyes fill with happy understanding then complete and utter embarrassment.

“Ah. So when you said ‘this’, you meant….”

“I meant the fact that our dating thing was temporary. Not us dating in itself.” An awkward silence fills the air as Kagiura drops downwards, as if he’s trying to hide under himself. “It’s not your fault, man. It’s on me for not being more clear.” Hirano placates Kagiura, placing a hand on his head and ruffling his hair.

“I shouldn’t have said all of that.” Kagiura mutters, boring his eyes into the hard dirt underneath his feet. “I’m sorry.” He hears Hirano chuckle above him and glances upwards. “I really am, though!” He insists indignantly, straightening to his full height.

It’s Hirano that’s now the one forced to look up to see the other’s face. “I know, I know. And I already said you don’t have to apologize.” He pats Kagiura’s arm, drawing a small smile from his kouhai. “But what I wanted to say was that,” Hirano takes a second to quickly gather himself mentally before continuing. “I’d really like to date you. For real, this time. If that’s what you want, too.” To Hirano’s relief, Kagiura’s smile grows into full-on beaming.

“Of course it is!” Kagiura cheerfully responds. “I’ve always wanted that, Hirano-san.” Looking at his senpai’s face, he can’t help but imagine kissing him again.

“Always?!” Hirano questions Kagiura, shocked, and Kagiura simply nods in return.

“Well, for a long time. Since the end of summer break, at least.”

“I–wow.” Hirano’s mind searches through all of the memories he’s made with Kagi-kun, looking for signs of his affection. I thought everything was completely normal between us. I guess not.

Kagiura swears he can hear the gears turning in Hirano’s head. He reaches out, tapping the other boy lightly on the shoulder to get his attention. Hirano snaps back to reality, blinking at Kagiura.

“Hirano-san. I love you. Can I kiss you again?”

Kagiura’s straightforwardness punches a laugh out of Hirano. “You sure are bold. What, do ya think I’m gonna say no?” Hirano gestures for Kagiura to come close. “C’mere, Kagi-kun.”

Kagiura drops everything he’s holding in favor of grabbing the face of the boy he loves and kissing him.

The icy weather surrounding them seems to warm as Hirano and Kagiura lean deeper into their kiss.

After all this time, I finally realized I’ve fallen for you.

‘After all this time, I have only been drawn closer to you.’

‘If it was going to be anybody,’ then I’m glad it was you.

…

An omikuji flies in the wind. Under the romance section, it reads:

“While it may be rocky at first, gentle perseverance is the key to success. Follow what your heart wants and everything will go your way. Good luck and a happy love awaits you on the other side!”

#ssmygiftexchange #ssmyhrkgwinterexchange2024 #hopefully the tumblr formatting #doesn't mess the fic up too much lol #hirano to kagiura #hirakagi #hirano taiga #kagiura akira #hanzawa masato #niibashi juuya

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